Adderall and aging

I started taking zoloft at the age of of 16 from constant over stimulation that had started once i hit puberty at 11 years old. The first few months on zoloft i felt happier than i had ever felt before to a pretty extreme extent. I didnt know this was an odd reaction to ssri’s especially since up to the age of 16 i had never done any drugs. I hadn’t ever even had caffeine before besides the low amount in soda which I rarely ever had. The reason im saying this is because there were nothing in my life i had experienced that was mind altering. This is why i didnt know at the time that i was really, really high on zoloft. Apparently it was obvious to my family who have said it was very obvious something was wrong once I started. I became the most extreme extrovert anyone could ever become. This all lead to me going from a normal 3.0 gpa to graduating with a 1.8 gpa. I became a drug addict in the worst way possible. I had become so impulsive. I went from being a kid who never lies or does anything bad to the guy who lies for no reason. I became a poly addict within months of starting zoloft. I became completely disconnected from not only friends but to my parents as well. This continued for 2 years until i finally stopped taking it at 18. Once i stopped taking zoloft i did a complete 180, well sort of. The addictions i picked up on zoloft for the most part stopped, except for one drug which i still struggle with. That being adderall and vyvanse. Thank the lord i never met anyone with meth during this time. There were other drugs i was addicted too as well while on zoloft like oxycodone, hydrocodone, weed, nicotine, xanax, Klonopin, alcohol and even more. I was addicted to all of these. I couldnt stop thinking about getting high. Its all i thought about. Always thinking of ways to get drugs. My parents had to buy a safe specifically for there prescriptions to keep me from stealing them. Even my own zoloft was in there safe because i would take 4 a day when i was prescribed to take one 50mg. I even abused tylenal(acetaminophen). My parents also couldn’t keep alcohol anywhere in the house since everynight after they went to bed i would search the whole house for it.

 Like i said though once I turned 18 i stopped taking zoloft and just like that all of my hyper focused drug cravings went away, all of them except for amphetamines which i still struggle with today. Also this isnt really related but when i was 19 i tried molly(mdma) with a friend which i had only had gotten because i started abusing amphetamines again which for some reason amphetamines also make me impulsive, but not to the same level as Zoloft though. Anyways when i took the molly, guess what it felt like?! It was literally the exact same head space and just over all feeling i had during the first 6 moths on Zoloft. It felt exactly the same, just it only lasted for a few hourse and made me very umm aroused, and a bit hyped. 

Im about to turn 21 in 7 days so it really hasnt been to long since my manic days.
Second time on ssri’s
Right around when i had turned 20 i began getting my first ever panic attacks. Most of them were the normal panic attacks, well normal probably isn’t the right word. I mean most of the attacks i had i could deal with on my own since they all happened at night when i was alone. One night though that changed. This particular night i felt that dreadful anxiety which i had been feeling for the past couple weeks already but it had never gotten to the point where it was too overwhelming for me deal with on my own. I was just laying in bed going to sleep, then it just happened in less than a second i knew i was gonna die. I knew this was it. I couldn’t breathe or i guess i could breathe but for some reason every time i would inhale it was just like i wasn’t idk. That immediate overwhelming feeling of death is the worst pain i hade ever felt. Worse than any physical pain id ever had, well i guess its the worst thing i’ve ever felt period at least at this point in my life. Because of this i went to the doctor. I refused to take ssri’s for it while also really trying to stay away from benzodiazepines for obvious reasons. So i perscribed Buspiron which is kinda in its on catargory. It’s non addictive and its not an antidepressant. So I took it for just about a month. Made me lowkey feel like shit. Constant headaches along with being really hot which is kinda problem since i work physical labor pretty much only outside all while it’s july. So unfortunately the only other option was ssri’s since im still on my parents health insurance my mom would never in a million years allow me take benzodiazepine which is obviously understandable. So i get a script for prozac cause it’s not Zoloft so maybe it’ll be a little different. Boy oh boy was it different. So basically the prozac ended up doing exactly the opposite of what the Zoloft did. I became more depressed than i had ever been by a landslide. Legit would fantasize killing myself. The first two weeks on prozac i would do nothing. Like straight up nothing but think about how amazing it would be to get relief by meeting up with my favorite tree. Eventually it went away for the most part. Then i stopped taking it 3 moths ago, so i was on it for 9 months total. I just felt normal on it for the most part. The only other thing it did that was bothersome was make me a little short tempered.
Ive just been curious if anyone else has experienced something similar to me.

I started taking zoloft at the age of of 16 from constant over stimulation that had started once i hit puberty at 11 years old. The first few months on zoloft i felt happier than i had ever felt before to a pretty extreme extent. I didnt know this was an odd reaction to ssri’s especially since up to the age of 16 i had never done any drugs. I hadn’t ever even had caffeine before besides the low amount in soda which I rarely ever had. The reason im saying this is because there were nothing in my life i had experienced that was mind altering. This is why i didnt know at the time that i was really, really high on zoloft. Apparently it was obvious to my family who have said it was very obvious something was wrong once I started. I became the most extreme extrovert anyone could ever become. This all lead to me going from a normal 3.0 gpa to graduating with a 1.8 gpa. I became a drug addict in the worst way possible. I had become so impulsive. I went from being a kid who never lies or does anything bad to the guy who lies for no reason. I became a poly addict within months of starting zoloft. I became completely disconnected from not only friends but to my parents as well. This continued for 2 years until i finally stopped taking it at 18. Once i stopped taking zoloft i did a complete 180, well sort of. The addictions i picked up on zoloft for the most part stopped, except for one drug which i still struggle with. That being adderall and vyvanse. Thank the lord i never met anyone with meth during this time. There were other drugs i was addicted too as well while on zoloft like oxycodone, hydrocodone, weed, nicotine, xanax, Klonopin, alcohol and even more. I was addicted to all of these. I couldnt stop thinking about getting high. Its all i thought about. Always thinking of ways to get drugs. My parents had to buy a safe specifically for there prescriptions to keep me from stealing them. Even my own zoloft was in there safe because i would take 4 a day when i was prescribed to take one 50mg. I even abused tylenal(acetaminophen). My parents also couldn’t keep alcohol anywhere in the house since everynight after they went to bed i would search the whole house for it.

 Like i said though once I turned 18 i stopped taking zoloft and just like that all of my hyper focused drug cravings went away, all of them except for amphetamines which i still struggle with today. Also this isnt really related but when i was 19 i tried molly(mdma) with a friend which i had only had gotten because i started abusing amphetamines again which for some reason amphetamines also make me impulsive, but not to the same level as Zoloft though. Anyways when i took the molly, guess what it felt like?! It was literally the exact same head space and just over all feeling i had during the first 6 moths on Zoloft. It felt exactly the same, just it only lasted for a few hourse and made me very umm aroused, and a bit hyped. 

Im about to turn 21 in 7 days so it really hasnt been to long since my manic days.
Second time on ssri’s
Right around when i had turned 20 i began getting my first ever panic attacks. Most of them were the normal panic attacks, well normal probably isn’t the right word. I mean most of the attacks i had i could deal with on my own since they all happened at night when i was alone. One night though that changed. This particular night i felt that dreadful anxiety which i had been feeling for the past couple weeks already but it had never gotten to the point where it was too overwhelming for me deal with on my own. I was just laying in bed going to sleep, then it just happened in less than a second i knew i was gonna die. I knew this was it. I couldn’t breathe or i guess i could breathe but for some reason every time i would inhale it was just like i wasn’t idk. That immediate overwhelming feeling of death is the worst pain i hade ever felt. Worse than any physical pain id ever had, well i guess its the worst thing i’ve ever felt period at least at this point in my life. Because of this i went to the doctor. I refused to take ssri’s for it while also really trying to stay away from benzodiazepines for obvious reasons. So i perscribed Buspiron which is kinda in its on catargory. It’s non addictive and its not an antidepressant. So I took it for just about a month. Made me lowkey feel like shit. Constant headaches along with being really hot which is kinda problem since i work physical labor pretty much only outside all while it’s july. So unfortunately the only other option was ssri’s since im still on my parents health insurance my mom would never in a million years allow me take benzodiazepine which is obviously understandable. So i get a script for prozac cause it’s not Zoloft so maybe it’ll be a little different. Boy oh boy was it different. So basically the prozac ended up doing exactly the opposite of what the Zoloft did. I became more depressed than i had ever been by a landslide. Legit would fantasize killing myself. The first two weeks on prozac i would do nothing. Like straight up nothing but think about how amazing it would be to get relief by meeting up with my favorite tree. Eventually it went away for the most part. Then i stopped taking it 3 moths ago, so i was on it for 9 months total. I just felt normal on it for the most part. The only other thing it did that was bothersome was make me a little short tempered.
Ive just been curious if anyone else has experienced something similar to me.

I started taking zoloft at the age of of 16 from constant over stimulation that had started once i hit puberty at 11 years old. The first few months on zoloft i felt happier than i had ever felt before to a pretty extreme extent. I didnt know this was an odd reaction to ssri’s especially since up to the age of 16 i had never done any drugs. I hadn’t ever even had caffeine before besides the low amount in soda which I rarely ever had. The reason im saying this is because there were nothing in my life i had experienced that was mind altering. This is why i didnt know at the time that i was really, really high on zoloft. Apparently it was obvious to my family who have said it was very obvious something was wrong once I started. I became the most extreme extrovert anyone could ever become. This all lead to me going from a normal 3.0 gpa to graduating with a 1.8 gpa. I became a drug addict in the worst way possible. I had become so impulsive. I went from being a kid who never lies or does anything bad to the guy who lies for no reason. I became a poly addict within months of starting zoloft. I became completely disconnected from not only friends but to my parents as well. This continued for 2 years until i finally stopped taking it at 18. Once i stopped taking zoloft i did a complete 180, well sort of. The addictions i picked up on zoloft for the most part stopped, except for one drug which i still struggle with. That being adderall and vyvanse. Thank the lord i never met anyone with meth during this time. There were other drugs i was addicted too as well while on zoloft like oxycodone, hydrocodone, weed, nicotine, xanax, Klonopin, alcohol and even more. I was addicted to all of these. I couldnt stop thinking about getting high. Its all i thought about. Always thinking of ways to get drugs. My parents had to buy a safe specifically for there prescriptions to keep me from stealing them. Even my own zoloft was in there safe because i would take 4 a day when i was prescribed to take one 50mg. I even abused tylenal(acetaminophen). My parents also couldn’t keep alcohol anywhere in the house since everynight after they went to bed i would search the whole house for it.

 Like i said though once I turned 18 i stopped taking zoloft and just like that all of my hyper focused drug cravings went away, all of them except for amphetamines which i still struggle with today. Also this isnt really related but when i was 19 i tried molly(mdma) with a friend which i had only had gotten because i started abusing amphetamines again which for some reason amphetamines also make me impulsive, but not to the same level as Zoloft though. Anyways when i took the molly, guess what it felt like?! It was literally the exact same head space and just over all feeling i had during the first 6 moths on Zoloft. It felt exactly the same, just it only lasted for a few hourse and made me very umm aroused, and a bit hyped. 

Im about to turn 21 in 7 days so it really hasnt been to long since my manic days.
Second time on ssri’s
Right around when i had turned 20 i began getting my first ever panic attacks. Most of them were the normal panic attacks, well normal probably isn’t the right word. I mean most of the attacks i had i could deal with on my own since they all happened at night when i was alone. One night though that changed. This particular night i felt that dreadful anxiety which i had been feeling for the past couple weeks already but it had never gotten to the point where it was too overwhelming for me deal with on my own. I was just laying in bed going to sleep, then it just happened in less than a second i knew i was gonna die. I knew this was it. I couldn’t breathe or i guess i could breathe but for some reason every time i would inhale it was just like i wasn’t idk. That immediate overwhelming feeling of death is the worst pain i hade ever felt. Worse than any physical pain id ever had, well i guess its the worst thing i’ve ever felt period at least at this point in my life. Because of this i went to the doctor. I refused to take ssri’s for it while also really trying to stay away from benzodiazepines for obvious reasons. So i perscribed Buspiron which is kinda in its on catargory. It’s non addictive and its not an antidepressant. So I took it for just about a month. Made me lowkey feel like shit. Constant headaches along with being really hot which is kinda problem since i work physical labor pretty much only outside all while it’s july. So unfortunately the only other option was ssri’s since im still on my parents health insurance my mom would never in a million years allow me take benzodiazepine which is obviously understandable. So i get a script for prozac cause it’s not Zoloft so maybe it’ll be a little different. Boy oh boy was it different. So basically the prozac ended up doing exactly the opposite of what the Zoloft did. I became more depressed than i had ever been by a landslide. Legit would fantasize killing myself. The first two weeks on prozac i would do nothing. Like straight up nothing but think about how amazing it would be to get relief by meeting up with my favorite tree. Eventually it went away for the most part. Then i stopped taking it 3 moths ago, so i was on it for 9 months total. I just felt normal on it for the most part. The only other thing it did that was bothersome was make me a little short tempered.
Ive just been curious if anyone else has experienced something similar to me.

Copied my post from the anhedonia page-
Decided to try it for my anhedonia- both emotional and sexual. Zero positive emotion, lots of anxiety and stress. Zero motivation to do anything, no sex drive, no erections even with viagra and cialis. Had to fake smiling and fake a sense of humor. Likely cause:
Age 16-31, severe stimulant abuse 1) 1500 mg plus per day of caffeine 2) high use of preworkouts containing DMAA for 2-3 years 3) pseudoephedrine use- 50-100 mg per day for weeks on end every year 4) a three year long addiction to adderall, often as much as 120-150 mg a day for days at a time 5) 3-6 benzedrex inhalers a day for weeks.
Also severe synthetic THC product abuse at age 30-31. I was going through a looper XL vape pen every 7-10 days.
This ultimately lead to a manic/ schizo breakdown and 8 day psych ward stay. I promptly threw the antipsychotics out once I left the ward and was schizo for about 4 months. Thought everybody was An Angel or demon and that God/ Satan were talking to me in my head. Ultimately came out of that after four months, at which point I became so depressed, I was suicidal for two months before trying 9-me. I also did two weeks of BPC-157 prior to that with no noticeable changes. 400 mcg a day if I recall correctly.
Day 1-2. I noticed a slight improvement in my mood. Still completely “blah” but slightly more neutral “blah” instead of “blah, I want to ki** myself.” Surpisingly, I messed up on dosing and only took 1.5 mg instead of 15 for these two days. I was shocked that such a small dose had a noticeable impact but I was in a VERY bad place.
After feeling something positive and realizing how powerful this stuff is, I moved up to 5 mg per day instead of my intended 15. I noticed: Desire for suicide was gone within a week. Less negative thoughts, less anxiety, more energy (but not an amphetamine like energy), slightly more motivation (still not great though). I noticed less general fatigue and sleepiness. Less joint pain (strange), more restful sleep, more nocturnal erections (never ever had them unless lots of viagra or cialis in my system), and more vivid dreams.
I eventually worked up to 30 mg a day for 2-3 weeks. I feel like a readonably functioning human being again. I’m not talking to any women right now to be able to properly monitor my libido but I would encourage people to try it for porn-induced ED.
After 30 days of using 9-me, I’ve been tapering down. Back to 1 mg a day now and my overall mood and demeanor is still doing so much better. Do I feel completely normal? Not entirely. Do I feel like I have the libido of a teen again? Not really. Do I magically get hyped from an energy drink like when I first tried one? No. I did not notice any increased stimulant sensitivity. I also didn’t notice increased skin sensitivity but I’m a ginger so I’m already sensitive.
I’m not 100 percent mentally but I feel like it’s simply a matter of time and maybe one more 9-me-bc cycle. If you are on your last straw with life, please give this stuff a try before you do anything permanent.

Decided to try it for my anhedonia- both emotional and sexual. Zero positive emotion, lots of anxiety and stress. Zero motivation to do anything, no sex drive, no erections even with viagra and cialis. Had to fake smiling and fake a sense of humor. Likely cause:
Age 16-31, severe stimulant abuse 1) 1500 mg plus per day of caffeine 2) high use of preworkouts containing DMAA for 2-3 years 3) pseudoephedrine use- 50-100 mg per day for weeks on end every year 4) a three year long addiction to adderall, often as much as 120-150 mg a day for days at a time 5) 3-6 benzedrex inhalers a day for weeks.
Also severe synthetic THC product abuse at age 30-31. I was going through a looper XL vape pen every 7-10 days.
This ultimately lead to a manic/ schizo breakdown and 8 day psych ward stay. I promptly threw the antipsychotics out once I left the ward and was schizo for about 4 months. Thought everybody was An Angel or demon and that God/ Satan were talking to me in my head. Ultimately came out of that after four months, at which point I became so depressed, I was suicidal for two months before trying 9-me. I also did two weeks of BPC-157 prior to that with no noticeable changes. 400 mcg a day if I recall correctly.
Day 1-2. I noticed a slight improvement in my mood. Still completely “blah” but slightly more neutral “blah” instead of “blah, I want to ki** myself.” Surpisingly, I messed up on dosing and only took 1.5 mg instead of 15 for these two days. I was shocked that such a small dose had a noticeable impact but I was in a VERY bad place.
After feeling something positive and realizing how powerful this stuff is, I moved up to 5 mg per day instead of my intended 15. I noticed: Desire for suicide was gone within a week. Less negative thoughts, less anxiety, more energy (but not an amphetamine like energy), slightly more motivation (still not great though). I noticed less general fatigue and sleepiness. Less joint pain (strange), more restful sleep, more nocturnal erections (never ever had them unless lots of viagra or cialis in my system), and more vivid dreams.
I eventually worked up to 30 mg a day for 2-3 weeks. I feel like a readonably functioning human being again. I’m not talking to any women right now to be able to properly monitor my libido but I would encourage people to try it for porn-induced ED.
After 30 days of using 9-me, I’ve been tapering down. Back to 1 mg a day now and my overall mood and demeanor is still doing so much better. Do I feel completely normal? Not entirely. Do I feel like I have the libido of a teen again? Not really. Do I magically get hyped from an energy drink like when I first tried one? No. I did not notice any increased stimulant sensitivity. I also didn’t notice increased skin sensitivity but I’m a ginger so I’m already sensitive.
I’m not 100 percent mentally but I feel like it’s simply a matter of time and maybe one more 9-me-bc cycle. If you are on your last straw with life, please give this stuff a try before you do anything permanent.

I’ve been struggling with my mental health for years. I’ve been told since the age of sixteen that it’s just anxiety and depression.
In my late twenties, I ended up in the hospital against my will for suicidal ideations. No plan or timeline, but my sister decided it was best for me. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Now at thirty, I finally got someone to listen to me but after I tried so many different pills, some that made me overweight (making my depression worse), some that made my thoughts worse, some that made me sleep all day long, some that made me feel nothing at all, and even one that my previous psychiatrist suggested when she thought I was bipolar. The most recent psychiatrist listened to what I had to say and told me it’s ADHD after five minutes of hearing me out. I started Adderall, and I got off Lamictal.
Today, I am a few months away from being thirty-one. I have hardly any friends. A friend group I thought I was a part of no longer speaks to me after a poly breakup. I don’t love my job anymore. I worked my ass off on Friday, five hours past my scheduled time, to work on a project because I never have time to do anything at work anymore. Even when I take extra time out of my personal life to work, I still end up being behind somehow. My partner is a wonderful person, but I am such a mess that I know I’m weighing him down. I feel like no matter what I do, I can’t solve any of the problems in my life.
A glimmer of happiness showed up in my life when I worked my ass off to get a role in a musical production that I really wanted. I beat everyone out for the part in a place I’ve never done a show. I went in super prepared, and I go to rehearsal like I’m supposed to, yet I’ve already made enemies for no fucking reason other than just being myself. Myself apparently just sucks.
I go to therapy once a week. I still take my meds. I sleep as much as I can. I can’t talk to my family about my mental health because, as you read, I end up in the hospital against my will, rather than getting any actual support. I’m at the point now where it feels like everyone would be better off without me because I’m trying so hard to fix myself but never can, so I’m just ruining everyone else’s life by existing. I just want to figure out what’s wrong with me and fix it before it’s too fucking late.

44F, 5'7", 173lbs, Caucasian Take Daily: 10mg Adderall (ADHD), 20mg Cymbalta (neuropathy & anxiety) Health conditions: Daily rectal bleeding from internal & external hemorrhoids, anemia, low platelets
Hello - I would like for someone to take a look at my chart to see what you think about my platelets fluctuating and my inability to keep my iron up. I have had hemorrhoids since 1999. I used to see what I would refer to as "typical hemorrhoid bleeding" maybe 5-10 days per year, max, when I wiped after a BM. In October 2022 I started having daily bleeding. I have also had 3 nosebleeds since October. I have anemia that requires iron infusions and my platelets have been out of range 5 out of 8 times they were able to be tested since 2022. I don't understand why my hemorrhoids have started to bleed so excessively. I don't understand why I am having nosebleeds. I don't understand why my platelets are not in range.
Here is my chart of numbers:
https://imgur.com/a/nBmvCm7
TIMELINE:
In 2019 (age 39), I visited a gastroenterologist because I was having some stomach issues and minor rectal bleeding. They did a colonoscopy and took some biopsies this is all that was noted: Removed 4mm polyp from descending colon which was focal colitis & negative for microscopic colitis. Noted a “questionable short segment Barrett’s esophagus”, mild gastritis, negative goblet cell metaplasia. Noted small internal hemorrhoids. Next colonoscopy recommended at age 50.
January 2022 (age 41.5), I had bronchitis and the doctor took labs. An incidental finding on the CBC noted that my platelets were 98K. I was referred to a hematologist. I have attached a spreadsheet which shows what my numbers have done since then. Hematologist diagnosed me with IDA and said not to worry about the platelets. I had one iron infusion in January 2022.
October 2022 (age 42) I started having daily rectal bleeding, with mucus and clots. It was coming mostly from the inside.
January 2023 (age 43) I continued to have a lot of rectal bleeding, but was overwhelmed with medical bills after iron infusions and checkups in 2022. I had one iron infusion in January 2023, but no additional follow ups or labs.
October 2023 (age 43) I had the first nosebleed of my entire life. Totally unprompted, no sinus issues or notable cause.
January 2024 (age 43.5) I was vacuuming and began to have heart palpitations. I thought it was from the Adipex I had been taking since May 2023. I stopped the Adipex and went to see my doctor. He did an EKG (Normal) and took blood at my urging. CBC showed 7.3 hemoglobin. I returned to my hematologist and he gave me 1mg of iron.
March 2024 (age 43.7) I had another 1gm of iron
April 2024 (age 43.8) I had a second colonoscopy. No findings, no biopsies. Noted small internal hemorrhoids and medium external ones. I had two nosebleeds this month as well.
May 2024 (Age 43.9) Visited colorectal surgeon, scheduled hemorrhoidectomy for July.
_______________________________________________________________________
I have been told by four doctors that severe bleeding from hemorrhoids is not common. Even still, I am proceeding with the surgery. Since I know a source of the bleeding, I am not too concerned about my hemoglobin, it makes sense. However, I do not understand why my platelets are going out of range? Also, why am I not seeing the high ferritin recovery numbers that others seem to get after they have infusions?
Any insight to this would be so helpful. I just cannot shake the worry that the platelets are something I need to investigate further. Thanks so much!

I’m in a predicament
My doctor prescribed me Adderall to help me with binge eating and aid me in weight loss
Me and my dad have the same doctor
I use it as directed on the bottle with the except of Saturday because that’s my day of rest I don’t workout I treat my self a lil bit
With diet and exercise so far I’ve lost 30lbs since January
Good things
Now my last check up the doc offered to up the dosage if needed. I told him I’d think about it
Now my dad, and I love him dearly I feel for him but the dude is very depressed, like he’s told me about his childhood a lot of abuse and he uses substances to cope.
He was given whisky at age 8 after his nana died
His main one is alcohol which to be fair he’s gotten way better he goes into work on Mondays there’s not 40 beer cans on the coffee table when I visit him.
He doesn’t drink till after lunch.
his other big problem is his sleep
He says he can’t sleep because his brain won’t quiet down.
I get it.
He can’t get his own prescription cause in our state it’s illegal with his heart condition
To sleep he takes Xanax but sometimes he just fucking blacks out doesn’t remember anything
He’s also a pot head both of my parents are
My mom definitely is able to limit herself way better than he can
Now here’s my issue basically I’m taking up the offer of my doctor to up my dosage and I’m also gonna pick up my normal dose and give that to him
The reason for that and the reason I agreed is that
Couple of years ago my Dad borrowed money from me to so he can get his legal weed card
Hunky dory he paid me back.
A week later I visited and he was in shock and I was like what was wrong
He told me he nearly got shot and arrested
Basically he went to this shitty part of town to buy a specific type of weed and the guy he was buying it from used him and his car to do some drop offs and they there stalked by the cops and this guy had a gun on him.
The woman he normally swaps Xanax for Adderall isn’t going to take it any more
So at work we took a break and talked it out.
My logic is look this fucking sucks but I rather try this then him risk getting arrested or shot.
Cause he’s gonna try if I don’t.
Now my victory was that I agreed to do it only if he finally grows up and go to the fucking sleep center get a sleep study done.
I feel bad I feel like I’m enabling him but also I don’t want him to risk getting involved with shitty people. I’ve tried getting him into therapy I’ve offered to go with him to AA meetings and stuff like that.

To the candidates in the Virginia Democratic Primary for Virginia 07:
Voting is underway already, campaign funds are greatly varied, and endorsements are split - though Mr. Vindman with the largest war chest has also secured the endorsement of the Washington Post. As I look about, it is difficult for anyone to know much of substance dividing the field, except to see that Mr. Vindman has made a national name for himself, while he does not have the local roots in practical government that the rest of the field has. If this was a one on one race, perhaps that would be sufficient separation, but the field is crowded and most people do not have intimate familiarity with local candidates. I ask first for each of you - how do you feel constituents should separate you from the other candidates you likely respect, when there is an absence of coverage on individual records in local news as local coverage is generally eclipsed by national news and local news has increasingly lost funding? Most constituents wish to have more efficient means of comparing positions and records. If constituents wish, how can they know you will not only win, but hold on to this district long enough to make an impact via advancing seniority? Are any of the candidates making efforts to make themselves more available to the public via either public media debate or online forums? In the modern era, most people will not have a willingness to vote outside of party preference in November, so much depends on the primaries.
Secondly, I have a more specific issue of concern.
I represent the group ADHD Advocacy which exists primarily online, but was founded where I live in the NOVA suburbs and where I am most familiar with local Virginia disability organizations. I'm a former prosecutor for the Florida Department of Health with ADHD, type 1 diabetes, and various other health issues which are either comorbid with ADHD, or can result from ADHD, such as the complications I have from an automobile accident, which people with ADHD have at a rate about thirty percent higher than people without ADHD, and which via traumatic brain injury can worsen all symptoms. I am also a former House of Representatives legal intern and the grandson of a representative and speaker pro tempore in the Florida legislature, who passed away at an early age due to a car accident.
A little less than a year ago, Representative Spanberger, the incumbent for Virginia district 07, was asked in Roll Call how the Adderall shortage ended up on her radar, and she said that it "hasn't been top of mind, because frankly, it's not a lifesaving medication" and then compared it to what she felt were greater concerns like infant formula and heart medication and insulin. As a person who has both diabetes and ADHD, I can say this is plain ignorance - one of the most cited experts in ADHD is the retired professor from Virginia Commonwealth University, Russell Barkley, PhD, and one of the ways he became most noted in research was his finding that ADHD lessened life spans on average by about a decade. There are plenty of other studies to back this since that time, noting how ADHD when unmedicated leads to more hospitalizations both for mental issues and for other concerns, such as accidents involving inattention and physical trauma, all of which I can help you in locating if needed, but the website ADHDevidence.org hosted by Professor Stephen Faraone also goes into the details of the International Consensus Statement on ADHD that covers the most repeatedly studied adverse effects.
For myself, as a type 1 diabetic, which is a comorbid issue, I have to rely upon my executive function to make sure I take insulin as needed and to monitor my blood glucose accordingly. It is hardly appropriate to dismiss these concerns.
Even more discoveries are happening continuously, such as recent studies suggesting that adult diagnosed ADHD is linked to a threefold increase in dementia as a senior, but that prompt treatment with a stimulant makes these people have no greater risk than the rest of the population - a neuroprotective state that could lessen many approaching national healthcare costs along with less tangible, but more valuable, reductions in family suffering. Numerous studies have long existed showing that proper ADHD care lessens numerous societal burdens, such as the needs for government benefits of those with ADHD brought on by unstable employment.
The stimulant shortage has been going on for the entire term of Congress that is currently ending. At the end of the year, it is expected to be more severe than it is now. Even if the medication was not life saving, this seems like an egregious example of the current incompetency of the Congress in addressing anything of importance. Fortunately for those of us with ADHD, the worsening of the stimulant shortage and ADHD awareness month will directly be accompanied by the general election, which provides an avenue to have our voices heard.
This year, a study by the Veteran's Administration found that veterans with ADHD who were treated with stimulant medication had a notably lower rate of suicide and other related deaths. This lines up with many other studies that show ADHD medications lower significant suicidal behavior - in some cases more effectively than antidepressants or mood stabilizers. However, an OIG report in April shows the greatest concern of the OIG is whether too many diagnoses are occurring and critique regarding the steps taken in ADHD diagnoses and care (but not parallel concern about properness of elimination of ADHD from diagnostic consideration or adverse events of lack of care) citing anonymous "primary care leaders" and not addressing the VA's own studies.
I cannot understand how the suicide epidemic, an epidemic which has been most notable in veterans is of such little concern - honestly I do not know how the Veteran's Administration has not been brought under fire for their mental care more often this term considering the largest mass shooting of 2023 was committed by a veteran preceding a suicide and shortly after VA discharge - a discharge that occurred despite continuous paranoid delusions brought on by white matter damage in his brain from his work in explosives training. That man did not have ADHD, from my knowledge, but it illustrates the quality of current "primary care leaders" and the mental health coverage they are providing for veterans. This is after a long string of veteran suicides in VA parking lots after inability to get care, if any have forgotten those veterans already.
An act to memorialize Rosalynn Carter that sought to improve mental health in this country, and one that acknowledges mental health is not a dichotomy, but a general state of human and societal fitness would be a welcome method of addressing this.
One of the causes of the stimulant shortage appears to be the shutdown of generic stimulant manufacturers in an attempt by the DEA to look tough after failures in addressing or preventing the opioid epidemic - in the case of the FDA signing off on Sackler claims of non-addictiveness, I could actually say (as someone who was involved in Florida's crackdown on pill mills) government agency failures and a revolving door with the pharmaceutical industry caused the first eras of the current opioid epidemic.
This is not to say that stimulants do not need government control - but the Nixon schedules that exist seem to downplay the problems of medications like benzodiazepines, involved in the deaths of Prince, Tom Petty, Chris Cornell, Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger and hundreds of thousands more who were noted only as statistics. These medications which affect long term executive function and impulse control were also the drug of choice for the mass shooter in the Las Vegas shooting of 2017 - a Trump era shooting that shattered all records - and as well for the incel ideologist in the 2014 UCSB Isla Vista school shootings. Benzodiazepines, I believe, were the route of the initial Sackler fortune, which may have influenced the current Nixonian schedules. Because oversight for psychiatric care outside of schedule II prescription regulations is low to nil, I would encourage a general task force to evaluate both the state of healthcare in this country and the legend drug schedules, though I have been told this requires more political will than any current politician could address - similar to regularly passing budgets without continuing resolutions.
An FTC investigation is currently attempting to investigate the causes of the various medication shortages, and numerous comments are those of people with ADHD, or who have a loved one with ADHD. Have you as a candidate submitted a comment for this investigation? Ten days remain for commentary.
What role do you intend to take to address these issues? Do you feel either party is more responsible for the shortage or for extending it and why? A similar question will be extended to those Republicans who seem to have a realistic possibility of taking back Virginia 07. If you feel you need more information regarding these issues, who will you look to for more information regarding these issues? Does your current knowledge or method by which you plan to address lack of knowledge indicate something about your capability to serve in Congress? Which fellow politicians would you look to in order to address this issue, and do you think it, or anything, can be done in a divided Congress?
This letter and all responses will be shared online (after certain elements of anonymization) via ADHD, veteran, and Virginia interest groups.
Sincerely,
ADHD Avenger, Esq.
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

• Margaret Mead

I’m 14, freshman in hs and I might be going legit insane. It all started in seventh grade when I was introduced to a group of girls who all had Ed’s. I was never a big kid, more on the slim side but jus like these girls I started to starve myself. I lost abt fifteen pounds and was extremely skinny. During the summer we stopped hanging out and I got a little better. In eight shit got worse tho, I broke my arm so I couldn’t play sports so I found worse outlets. I started to starve myself again and these girls only got more aggressive with the starving. I decided since I couldn’t play hockey cuz I was injured I would jus be a manager, which was stupid cuz the girls I would meet that managed led me down an even worse path.
She introduced me to vaping, LSDs, Molly, sneaking out to the city streets, andhow to get wit older guys. I was only getting skinnier plus I was high all the time and felt like I was having the time of my life. That was until one of guys I liked two grades above me, was friends wit the girls “sneaky link” she set us up on a two man. From there I learned he was the plug and started dating. He ended up lacing on of my carts and from there I was paranoid to smoke again wit that group and broke up wit him. She said I was lame, embarrassed me at school, and that group stopped being my friend.
I was forced to withdrawal and now I turned to binging for comfort. I went from 105 to 130, playing sports again but not really caring and my grades are better than they were at least. Sadly, at the end of my hockey szn I met this boy, he was 18 but he was a wrestler, I really liked home because he wasn’t like the other guys, he always treated me nice, I stopped binging again and started losing weight when we got close. He wasn’t a great person but I felt like he matched me, he was also kinda a druggie and illegal scammer. I would trip acid wit him a lot and spent a lot of time wit him. This ended. Abt a month ago when he went on his senior trip, blocked me, and started dating a girl his own age. Prettier, blond, and older.
I knew it was over but continued to do drugs and began to binge. My parents are never home, they don’t care. I’m only 14 and my life feels like it’s alr in fuvking shambles. I’m trying to get adderall because maybe it will help wit the binging and make me think abt my decisions better. I hate myself I want this to end

I’m 15 1/2 and just recently got prescribed 10 mg of adderall (about a week ago) and 2 days ago I bought 500 mg capsules of ashwagandha (once per day). I recently started weight training at the gym and read about ashwagandha and the benefits/cons and decided I’d try it out. The point I’m trying to get at is will this affect me really negatively or do the benefits outweigh the cons. I’ve done my research about cycling and what time of day to take it but I know there isn’t much testing surrounding teenagers taking it. The reason I wanted to take it is the boost in testosterone and stress relieving factors, I know I shouldn’t really be worrying about testosterone levels at my age but I can’t see a downside with having a bit more (I want to grow taller lol) I’ve not contacted my psychiatrist about this which I probably should’ve but I found no harmful reactions between the ashwagandha and my other medications. Do I stop taking it now or try it out for a few weeks? Would creatine be a better replacement?

People with ADHD are especially prone to claim this. Yet a stimulant is a stimulant. It's not like it becomes a sedative magically because someone has ADHD. Plus, one has to think many cases of ADHD are misdiagnosed due to so many other disorders potentially presenting very similar symptoms, but ADHD being a more salient disorder often results in that diagnosis. But it still helps those people. A stimulant is going to help anyone focus better, and at high doses will cause a feeling of increased energy and mood elevation. I haven't seen any evidence that the brains are so utterly different between ADHD vs. not that somehow a big increase in dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin isn't going to cause similar effects in both groups.
I say this as someone who was diagnosed with ADHD at age 9. But I feel like many of my fellow ADHDers simply want to feel more justified in being the ones that "deserve" stimulants more. In reality, stimulants help most people to an extent and make them feel good. Hence why the most common use in the past was for depression. I think they should be more widely prescribed for a wider range of reasons.
The DEA is very puzzling in that it has some drugs that aren't harmful at all as schedule I, and benzos are schedule iv vs. schedule ii for stimulants, but I think benzos are FAR more harmful. Methylphenidate being scheduled the same as amphetamines is also a joke. It's so much weaker than amphetamine, far less prone to cause addiction, and works in different ways. I could understand keeping adderall schedule ii, but Methylphenidate should be schedule iv. I've taken most stimulants in my life, and I've also taken modafinil/armodafinil. Modafinil is schedule iv but seems far more potentially addictive than XR formulations of Ritalin.

Age: 27
Sex M
Height 5'9"
Weight 160lbs
Race white
Duration of complaint: ongoing
Location: liver
Meds: Lexapro, trazodone, buspirone, buproprion, adderall
I have had several blood tests come back with high albumin, low globulin and a high A/G ratio. I drink relatively frequently and my Drs know this but do not seem concerned when the results come back. Do these results indicate liver damage? Should I be concerned about them? I've had 2 or 3 of these results and my Drs don't say anything about them when they come back

I can’t enjoy life. I haven’t been able to enjoy my life for a while now. Everything costs money. Now everything is so damn expensive and I’m living paycheck to paycheck. After I get paid, once I pay all my bills the small amount of money I have left immediately goes to gas, groceries, laundry, etc. I had to even cancel all my subscriptions (Netflix/CrunchyRoll) in order to have more money to get by. Now I’m broke and bored. It feels like job raises don’t even matter at work anymore especially in retail.
I currently make $22 an hour as a retail supervisor. I haven’t done anything nice for myself in months. When I get invited out I feel bad because I have to keep declining because I can never admit that I’m really struggling. Sometimes I resent my parents because it feels like I never had a fair shot at life like others. Grew up with a mother that was very financially irresponsible. I remember being age 19/20 and having to take out pay day loans along with my brothers so we could pay rent because my mom would randomly quit her jobs. I started working at age 16 to support myself and I got sucked into paying bills in my household because my mom refused to keep a job. All I knew was survival and never really got the opportunity to use my money for myself and my future. We always had to make up for our mom’s mistakes and carelessness. I try not to be a victim to my past but it’s rough and I’m working on moving on.
The worst part is improving your mental health also cost a lot of money. Therapy, medication, and Psychiatrist, etc. I haven’t been able to get my adderall prescription in two months because I ran out of money on my work medical card and couldn’t afford an appointment. I’ve been avoiding getting a second job because my goal was to find one good job but I’m tired of being broke. If I have to sacrifice some free time to make more money I’m going to do it.
Anyone else working two jobs? How do you balance?

The age old question of those of us with ADHD, it is currently 10 am and I hear birds chirping outside my window, after another long night of no sleep.
I have struggled with insomnia my entire life, was recently prescribed adderall (20mg, ER). My sleep schedule has suffered even more than it already was, and I have been falling asleep around 8-9 am and waking around 2-3 pm.
I am considering just taking my adderall right now so I’m not miserable the rest of the day today, and just going to bed early tonight to fix my sleep schedule.
Should I sleep some now or ride it out?

Trigger Warning : suicide. Backstory to give context; 34f, I was recently diagnosed. I started seeking out therapy 3 years ago, I've displayed all the adhd symptoms, but I guess because of my age/gender adhd hasnt occurred to anyone (including me). I've gotten the usual general anxiety, depression, and CPTSD. I've been through antidepressants and xanax, it just makes me feel nothing and sleepy all the time. It's hardER to function like that.
I got breast cancer, I got the full monte treatment with some heavy chemo, and I'm in remission (with no tatas lol). This stripped me of ALL my masking abilities and I was almost non functional (you know what i mean). My oncologist connected me with the psychiatrist in their network. After some time with him he suggested I may have adhd and wanted to evaluate me. I was stunned by the 50 page paper "quiz". It asked me questions that hit me at my core. I'm prescribed adderall xr and it has changed my life for the better in every way.
My mother has quite a few diagnosis under her belt, and I'm sure they've missed something. She has attempted suicide 3 times. I lived with my father beginning at age 8. At 63, she's still competent and holds down a full time job. In my adult life, we've become very close. I used to call her almost everyday (we live in different states).
She simply does not believe I have Adhd. She laughed when I first told her and stopped when she saw I was upset. She has continued to deny that I have it and I find myself reasoning with her and explaining myself!! She counters with the fact I was in gifted classes and was "a good kid". No, I didn't jump on coffee tables screaming and bite teachers, but I didn't talk to anyone at home! My mother was absent and my father and stepmother were too involved with each other to even notice my brother or myself. I masked hard and didn't realize it, my father wasn't really nice (he is now that he's old). It's so frustrating that she is willing to accept literally any other diagnosis but ADHD. It really feels dehumanizing talking to her about it. I don't want to call her like I used to. When I talk to her we avoid the subject, but it's heavy on me that she thinks of me that way.
So I'm thinking of cutting her off for a while. I can't stand the tension. I've sent her things to read for education and her response is to kind of laugh and say "yeah maybe later ha". I can't change or mind or convince her. I don't even think I want to at this point. I'm not going to ghost her, but I think I'm going to tell her just like I'm telling you guys. I'm going to say "getting the correct diagnosis has improved my life and I'm sorry you feel like you do. I have sent you education material and I'm sorry, but until you can accept this and be respectful.. I need to cut off contact for my well being." I'll figure out how to tell her she's welcome to come back when she can be more respectful.
I could cut her off at the knees, I could ask her how would she know because she wasn't there... but I don't want an argument.
Thanks for reading, i needed to get that off my chest. Hope you guys have a wonderful day.

I (27F) have an older brother, 33M. We didn't get along very much as kids due to the age gap, not for my lack of trying. I never really understood why my brother didn't really like spending time with me, because he was one of my favorite people in the world, despite all his bullying.
For context, I'll give some examples of what my brother has done to me over the years with some vague age ranges of when they occurred.
When I was about 3, my brother convinced me that red was orange and orange was red because I was learning my colors in preschool. He also used to steal food like tater tots off my little high chair tray and would pretend he didn't do anything when my mom checked on why I was crying (I was NOT a fussy baby/toddler, so it set off alarm bells when I did.)
I think when I was 4 or 5, my brother came into my room after I had already been put to bed, and he woke me up. Thing is, he was hovering over me with a scary mask on, only the hallway light, and a butterknife. Not sure I really have to explain why that was traumatic. I'm still afraid of masks to this day.
When I was around 10-12, my brother kept drinking all the milk or kool aid that I would make and never replenish/remake it. I told him to stop, he wouldn't, of course. My mom was fostering other children and didn't have time for squabbles like this. So I very visibly spit on top of the kool aid pitcher and left the lid off so it was seen. What does my (reminder, 17-19) brother do? He wrenches the bowl of cereal I'm currently eating out of my hands, spits in it, and shoves it back at me hard enough that it spilled all over me. Now, I'm not an angry person. I'm not a violent person. But I was still a child and fed up with being bullied by someone who was/almost an adult. I never tried getting physical before because I was so much smaller, but I hit puberty kind of early. So I splashed the bowl back at him to see how he liked it. He threw me to the ground and hit me. My mom had to break us up and told us we were both to blame, so he didn't even get punished.
Several times, he would turn the lights off on me when I was on the other side of the room in the basement away from the switch, because I was afraid of the dark for a very long time.
We had Sonic Adventure 2 we shared. If we ever fought about something, or I reminded him it was my turn, he threatened to say goodbye forever to my chao. I am extremely soft hearted so that accomplished what he wanted.
Sometimes I would notice my things go missing. I had assumed maybe my mom put them away somewhere and forgot, but I'm pretty sure I know what happened to them. Especially gamecube games-- Those discs were tiny! He was pawning them for drug and booze money. One time he was drunk and admitted he had been selling his adderall for other drugs. That came to a head one terrible Christmas Eve. Brother was home for the holiday and I'm not very clear on what events led up to it, but my parents caught my brother in the bathroom with a baggie of various drugs that he was already doing. He insisted it was just weed, but my parents didn't believe that. I wouldn't know, I only briefly saw the bag, but it was full of both a large green ball of like leaves and lots of white powder. It was a vicious screaming match for a few hours. I hid out in my room on a different floor and played a video game as loud as I could so I didn't have to hear my family. The screams died down after a while, and I cautiously went out of my room. My brother had left the house for a while. I had a few holiday assignments and decided to just crank them out while my family cooled off, and I did it at the dining room table because that's where our Christmas tree was too and I desperately needed that good cheer magic. I was quietly writing, not saying anything, not making much noise, when my brother came back in the house. He stopped off at the kitchen for something and muttered something rude and belittling to me. At this point I'm a preeten-early teen and he had already ruined the day that had always been magical to me before, as my grandma used to stay over with us on Christmas Eve. She had died rather recently at the time. And I can't tell you exactly what I said. I think I've blocked out as much as I can. I made some snide remark, something like 'at least I don't do drugs' and in the next second I was yanked out of my chair. My brother picked me up by the neck and slammed me against the wall. I know I clawed and kicked against the wall as hard as I could. I blacked out, and I woke up on the floor with my parents absolutely screaming at him that he could have killed me. As a side note to the whole ordeal, he never apologized, and it's made my adult life a lot harder as weed becomes more and more commonplace. Just the thought of it used to send me in a panic attack, I could feel the hands choking me again. I've gotten better about dealing with it, but I still refuse to have it in any part of my life whatsoever. It's cost me a few relationships.
When I was in college, my brother had moved back in with me and my parents because his girlfriend dumped him for being a piece of shit that worked at walmart and did nothing but drink all day despite having a state paid scholarship, that he wasted, because he couldn't keep his GPA above 2.8. He was a music major. The classes he took were things like 'History of Jimi Hendrix' and 'The Beatles'. He just partied too much to even attend class. He took the dog they got with him, not at all prepared for her. The dog is a high energy breed that is difficult to train, and we had two small 5-10 pound dogs at home. At 1 year old, bro's dog was about 30 pounds. He often left for several hours during summers/breaks when I was home, without telling anyone, knowing that I would either hear the dog cry if he crated them and feel bad and let them out or that I wouldn't banish them to a crate if they were already in a room with me. The dog bullied our other dogs and bit at everyone. Dog was incredibly overly protective of my brother-- Trait of the breed. I was back at college for a few months and had spent a good month mourning the loss of a 5 year relationship. I never really heard anything from him. Then out of the blue, my brother asks me if I can let him and dog stay for the night (we live 2 hours from the college) because my mom had kicked him out. The dog had bit her and she snapped at my brother to control his f'ing dog and he responded by calling her, the woman who birthed him, payed for his other college costs, paid back loans he promised to pay to other family members, never charged him rent, and he called her a f'ing female dog. She snapped. While I agree that my mom was completely in the right to do that, I have too soft of a heart to just leave him with nowhere to go. He promised it was just a night so he could get in touch with some friends closer to home and figure shit out. I let him come to me.
I really regret that decision.
At the time I had a new roommate (she was very nice though, I liked her) and a sort of FWB who doted on me for a little while. I texted FWB and asked if he could bring some alcohol by-- I was still 19 at the time, underage to buy it, but FWB was old enough and agreed the man could probably do with a drink. We stayed out on our little porch area to make sure that we wouldn't be disturbing my roomie in any way while we socialized. My brother got really wasted. He told me terrible things about our deceased grandmother (who he knew I had really loved growing up, and had no idea about who she really was because she had always loved me). And he laughed. He laughed when he saw the discomfort on my face. My FWB was feeling pretty bad for me and suggested we go to bed because it was also like 3 in the morning and both of us had class in the morning, so we go inside. The apartment has a shared common room/living room, little kitchen area, and laundry closet. My bedroom is on one side and roomie's was on the other-- Both bathrooms are also ensuite to the bedroom. So I went in and changed out of my clothes into something comfier to sleep in and crawled into my bed, letting my brother do his own thing in the bathroom. I'm just trying to rest and suddenly my brother is pulling me out of my bed and dragging me out of my own room. He's yelling that he's taking my bed, did I really expect him to take the couch? And I'm not very confrontational. I'm flustered, tired, and honestly a little afraid after the neck choke incident. FWB steps in like a hero and tries to calmly explain that its my bed, and I will sleep in it, I have been kind enough to let him stay and he should not be so ungrateful. Brother fucking loses his mind. Starts screaming his head off about how selfish I am and how reliant I am on our parents and won't be able to do anything on my own as an adult (I was financially dependent on my parents at 19 while in college, shocker). He starts drunkenly trying to pick up his dog's toys and searching for his keys, and both FWB and I step in and tell him he can't go driving like this, after like half a bottle of fireball. He at least needs to sober up before he can drive. I stand in front of the front door, as my brother is still searching for his keys, and there is no way I'm letting him out of here right now. Brother has found his keys, and starts pulling at me and hurting me. Lucky for me, FWB had been a pretty good wrestler in highschool. He got my brother pinned down and I snatched the keys, hiding over by the sink in case I had to throw them in there. He's screaming his head off and my poor roommate comes out and asks what the hell is going on because she knows I'm very quiet and tend to keep visitors in my room. I'm like half sobbing trying to explain and the FWB, still pinning my brother, tells her that we're trying to keep him from drunk driving. My roommate does not play around with that. She was in nursing school, and had recently lost a friend to a drunk driver. I don't know how it worked, but she put on her stern nurse tone and told my brother that he was free to leave when he sobered up, or she herself would be calling the cops on him, and both me and FWB could press additional charges for assault. He reluctantly agreed to this condition and FWB let him off the floor, but sat in front of the front door just in case. When he was sobered up, he left, saying 'I hope you like mom and dad, because I'm not your family anymore'.
And that was devastating. I couldn't stop crying. My FWB went back to bed with me and laid me down in bed and let me cry until I passed out. He skipped his class that day to be there for me. I know I don't paint a good picture of my brother, but I did/do love him. I thought now that we were older that he'd mellowed out and we could be good friends like I always wanted. I mean, I made like 300 fake facebook accounts back in the day to vote for his band to be a headliner at a large concert. Just a few years prior when he was home on a break he introduced me to a TV show we binged and he let my lay on his shoulder. (I was/am very touch starved but paralyzed by fear that I'm annoying the other person, and all my friends were made later in life and are states away). When Pokemon Go came out we would take late night drives around quiet places of town while hunting pokemon together. We traded off the controller on online battlefield games and compared scores and the most ridiculous deaths. I really thought that he loved me too, finally, after years of resentment.
He didn't speak to me for 2 years. I didn't find out until later, but my parents lied for him on my behalf that he still loved me and was just annoyed, and gave me birthday/christmas presents that they told me had been from him, just that he was working. I really treasured those objects when I didn't know the truth about them. I got a really stupid mug with the first letter of my name on it in pink and zebra print (two things I don't really enjoy) but I used that thing every single day.
So, these are glimpses into my previous relationship with my brother. I don't really remember when he started speaking to me again, but I sure know he never apologized. He had finally hit rock bottom and asked my father to put in a good word for him at (insert facility with decent pay and good benefits but hard work), which he had previously rejected by telling my parents that it was a shit job. My brother's name got put closer to the top of the resumes. He got in. It wasn't easy work, or comfy sometimes, but it paid well enough to endure that, I guess. My brother used to be rather athletic.
Between the cut off point and then, my brother had worked at a (also generic job) a town or two over and hated the commute. He also happened to find a girlfriend with an apartment sort of close by. She didn't like having him over because of his dog, and almost never let him do any overnight. But now that my brother had a better paying job, she was willing to move in with him, of course. My brother bought a house in our home town and she came with it. She pays a ridiculously low amount of rent to my brother.
If she was home and brother wasn't, the dog stayed crated up because she didn't want to deal with it. Both of them worked, but her job isn't at all difficult. And yet somehow, sometimes pulling doubles, my brother ended up doing most of everything. My brother, who didn't learn to do his laundry until his 20s, ate pizza every single day, and had left used condoms on the floor of his bedroom in our parents house when he left. He did most of the cooking because she says she's bad at it. But will make pies for her mom. When the holidays came around, instead of discussing or rotating, they will always go to her family first. If my brother can come to ours at all. He often misses entire occassions (we don't go out big, but like, cmon. Hand your dad the gift card on his birthday at least, not 2 weeks later).
I also used to get to hangout or see my brother sometimes. Maybe once every few weeks, and it was fun! It was the friendship I had always dreamt of. Now I can't even get him to do anything online with me from the comfort of his own home. I don't have a single text from him this year past 1/27.
At first, we all understood. She was quirky. I was quirky. We share several similar traits and interests. I used to like that and be excited to have a family member like me, but now I dread the day she becomes family.
Let's start with the smoking car. Me and my parents were driving near his street so we could cut through to the highway, and out of nowhere, black smoke starts coming from the hood. My father tells me and my mom to get out and he'll get it to my brother's and out of the road to look at it and see what was going on. This was like.... early August. It was very hot outside. Since I've 'been in the house before' and 'know what it's like' I am 'allowed' to come into my brother's house to cool off. But GF refuses letting in either of them, referring to the messy state of the house. Which, okay, fair-- But its HER messes. My brother cleans up after her. I learned later that GF snapped at him about his family always coming over unannounced and how she has to hurry to put on a bra and everything is messy and we can't just drop in its rude! She says, as her mother and brother do the exact same thing, in a house she doesn't own. But my family let it be water under the bridge for now. My brother called me a f'in a'hole for telling my mom about the conversation. Because my mom was livid.
The next thing is my father. My dad's family has a pretty big history of strokes and heart attacks, and he's had one heart attack. My dad had been in pain all day and he finally gave up at about 3AM and woke my mom up to drive him to the hospital. I don't have a license at this point, so there's little that I can do. My mom says the surgery he probably needs isn't even done here and they're transferring him, my mom asked me to keep my brother in the loop. So I told him about this and about the time they would reach the hospital, because my mom dad gran and I share locations. I asked if he would take me up, I had a bag full of things that might make him more comfortable or less stressed. The hospital they're taking our dad to is a little over an hour away. Everyone is more or less frantic. My brother is talking to work for him, I'm making sure that for however many hours that our pets will be okay and talking to my mom's work. We drive there and nothing major happens, but it was so... Uncomfortable? Tense. The thing that's hurting my dad is a blocked or enlarged blood vessel that cuts off oxygen to the tissue around it, which, cells die, and you really need your colon, the area my dad has an issue with. The thing is, until they can do the surgery, it was like he was a ticking time bomb. My brother takes me home when visitor hours are over and I hold my dogs tight. The next day is filled with lots of pricks pokes and prods at my dad so we don't go that day. We do go the day after, Friday. My brother's GF is in the truck with him. I'm not really paying attention to much of anything because for all we know my dad could die before we got there. Brothers' GF goes to get some snacks from the long drive and the fact that she's not exactly family yet. My brother, mom and I rotate who is away in the cafe and eating with GF. I see GF and my brother whispering angrily at each other. She's tugging at his arm. I manage to pick up 'We're going to miss my mom's dinner!" And I am just stunned. Her mother has a small family dinner every single friday and makes meatloaf. His GF wanted us to head back from our critical father, because she didn't want to miss a weekly event. And I really have to hand it to my brother for not snapping right then and there. He waited until we were in his truck and out of the hospital parking lot and says "How in the f'ck do you say something to me like that? Like, for real, wtf!" GF starts crying and says its a family tradition and her mom is all she has left-- False. She has her mom, sister, and brother, at least. Her father died in a car incident that hospitalized her as a kid. So my brother snaps again like 'are you seriously telling me you value a f'ing loaf of meat over a life? we have no idea what will happen, my dad could die within the hour and i'm not there, he could die tomorrow, how long d-" And GF cuts him off wailing that her dad is dead. Which, yes, is a horrifyingly traumatic experience. But she does not get to play the 'my dad is dead' card ten years after the fact, to justify leaving our possibly dying father before visiting hours ended. She tried to emotionally blackmail my brother by apologizing to me through tears that this must be so hard for me but honestly I was doing my best to block it out, staring at pictures of dogs in hammocks. I shared my brother's sentiment.
But wait, there's more! Remember that car accident GF had years ago? You would think that, if nothing else, she would be empathetic for someone/their family in a car crash? You'd be wrong! I was rear ended at 60 mph right in front of my house after coming home from work (the ambulance took me straight back to work lmao). The physical damage to me was pretty minimal, bruises and a sprained ankle because my foot was pressed on the brake, waiting for an opportunity to cross into the driveway. This was late October 2020. Covid regulations were pretty strict. So I was alone in a room for a while and in pain. My parents had followed the ambulance. My dad had actually heard the crash and went 'huh she usually comes home now' and runs over after seeing the wreckage. My parents had the crash footage, grainy, but there thanks to the cameras set up outside our house. I hadn't realized it by that point but I had a pretty good concussion, and I was hurt, and scared. I was texting my mom constantly but my dad had left his phone at home in the rush to get my mom and she hadn't charged her phone, they'd been in the parking lot for like an hour and a half already. They promised me they'd be back soon, they'll just pop in and let my brother know since he lives nearby. My parents didn't even ask to like, stay and sit with them instead of a cold car. My mom asked to pee and to borrow a charging cable (they had one, GF has the same model phone) given the, you know, situation. My brother barely cracked the door to speak with them. He said no, because GF was uncomfortable, because they were waiting for their second negative test to come in. Read that again. They had tested negative. It's not like my mom would go near anyone to the bathroom either-- The back door that's used more often is literally inches away from the bathroom door. My brother didn't even try to argue with his GF about his own home and some empathy for someone else dealing with a car crash. It absolutely disgusted my parents. And later on brother told me he got another earful about our parents just dropping in without notice and its like? Excuse me? Its his house!
Unfortunately, a tire popped on my parents' car when we were nearby. It was like, 3 years since the first issue with the car. I went inside and asked my brother to let my mom in because its raining. GF did not like that, and didn't realize I could overhear her down the hall, arguing with my brother and his family again. I went over the next day to my brother and he was actively cleaning up GF's mess so it wouldn't be as 'embarassing' for her. I sat him down and talked to him as realistically as I could. I have depression, anxiety, emotional abuse trauma, agorophobia, and very few friends. But I'm okay. He started very quietly expressing his frustration towards GF. She doesn't do much around the house or contribute financially, lets her family over but not his, him doing most of the cooking despite regularly pulling 12s. I sat there calmly, because of course I knew this. This is what makes the situation somewhat even more sticky. I asked my brother, "Do you actually love someone like that? Or are you afraid to be alone?" He's been in one relationship or another for most of my life. Lately he had been confiding in me about how bad his mental health was falling and I was like 'that's not a slump, that's. that's depression.' So when I asked my brother the question, he hesitated. That spoke loudly enough in my opinion. But then I also saw my brother's face crumpling as he admitted he just didn't want to be alone. GF wants babies but my brother knows with her medical history and condition on top of being so lazy and bluntly told me she would not be a good mother and hopes to God that day doesn't come. He is so unhappy being with her. We both heard the rustling of a comforter and my brother lowered his panicky voice and asked me to leave so she doesn't see me here. That is incredibly messed up, especially since its his name on the house. I haven't seen my brother at his house since then, and that was over 2 years ago.
During COVID, GF started working from home, and it stayed that way. My brother still takes care of most things.
In the mean time, he's proposed to her. Yeah. I managed to save things when all our faces dropped at the Christmas dinner he announced their engagement at. My brother calls her by a nickname that was also the name of a beloved family dog that had passed away only one month ago. My dad and my reactions at that time were genuine confusion and sadness about him bringing up our passed pet. Everything was pretty quiet after that. When we got home, I texted my brother and told him that hearing our dog's name in conversation after losing her so recently shattered us, be we were, in fact, happy for his engagement.
I lied.
None of us want him to marry her. I dread the day that I get a wedding invitation or GF shows up pregnant. She would be a terrible mother. My brother is aware of the fact that my parents think she's a rude, inconsiderate brat that only thinks of herself, from that earlier conversation that I talked to my parents about. My mom snapped that they don't have to like her, all they were required to do was be civil, and we are, so shut up.
At larger family functions GF tends to gravitate around me. Like I said, we have similar interests and personalities. And I have never told her to get lost or had it in me to upfront tell her we don't like her. I am absolutely horrible at confrontation, but my patience is wearing thin.
Last year my parents set up brunch for Mother's Day. We were at the table when my brother called and said they were going to urgent care because GF had another one of her migraines that make her vomit. Which, she takes medicine and has injectable solutions. Some situation always comes up with her right before my brother would come to us.
My parents tried again with the Mother's Day brunch last week. On the day of, he said that he was too tired to come, can we try next week? Please insert the eyeroll of the century.
Because of our clear dislike, my brother doesn't often bring his GF around anymore on the offchance she lets him. It occurred to me that my parents planned the same brunch as last year, and I was dreading my question. "Is GF coming with us for brunch?" They don't know. All my brother did was confirm the time and place. The thought of having to deal with her in the morning and pretend that I don't see her for what she is, is already exhausting me. I can barely get my brother to even play online with me. I feel like this has been festering long enough that at some point, its all going to overflow at once. But I am absolutely disgusted by how she takes advantage of my brother's fear of being alone and how the world revolves around her.
I had a dream the other day, actually, it was a good dream. I was at their wedding, and the priest guy said the standard 'speak now or hold your peace' and I stood up and loudly shouted OBJECTION! Every single person in the room turned to look at me, one because I don't raise my voice like that, two my patience is vast, and three, to upset me to this level of shouldering my anxiety by making a spectacle of myself. I then explained every detail, especially how much she was charged for rent, that my brother admitted he wasn't happy, and I wanted better for him than to just be an ATM maid.
If I bring this up to my brother again, I may lose him forever. But if I don't, he may be miserable together. And on the third side-- Do I actually really want my brothers' friendship at this point? Like, I'm definitely fed up dealing with his GF like she is. Plus, I pointed out and reiterated to him before that he admitted he wasn't happy.
I am very, very quiet by default. Never got into much trouble. I was and still am a gentle soul at my core being. If things get to a point where I cross lines of polite manners and call someone out on their bs, people around know that someone did something almost unforgivable. I'm wondering if my brother would know that.
TLDR; Brother's fiancee is disliked for good reason. My brother has isolated. I miss him, but also never want to see him again. I want to remind him that this marriage isn't a good idea, but I don't want to antagonize him.

Me (31F) and my fiancé (34M) been together for 6 years. When we met, we were broke 20-somethings working service industry jobs and probably having TOO much fun, but having fun. Neither of us was looking for a relationship but we fell in love. We now have decent jobs, a car we use for adventures together all the time, really love each other, and are generally supportive of one another. We’ve been engaged for a year and I have taken no steps to plan a wedding (which feels relevant…lol).
A few years ago my drinking got really bad. I’ve spent the last few years trying to get and stay sober- I’ll go 6, 7, 9 months going to AA meetings and not drinking then fall off the wagon for a week or two. Those 2 weeks are really bad. I’ve spent years feeling like everything wrong in our relationship is because of this. I feel so guilty and have regarded him as a saint. I’ve felt like he stays even though he’s seen the worst of me, because he is my safe place and because he loves me.
He told me last week that for two and a half years, he hid a drug addiction from me. He stopped late last year after a particularly bad argument between me, one of our friends, and him. He doesn’t usually fight with his friends that I’ve ever seen, so it was definitely jarring at the time, and pretty embarrassing. That fight made him look in the mirror at himself, he said. What bothers me is- he isn’t acknowledging that logic would follow he’s been that way to me plenty of times in the past, only there wasn’t a third party there to observe. Being an asshole to his good friend was enough to stop, but being an asshole to me was not.
I obviously understand addiction. But what upsets me is that during those years, he let me feel like everything wrong in our relationship was because of my drinking. That he stayed with me out of love and patience and the goodness of his heart. Now I can’t help but feel like part of it was because his addiction(s) didn’t seem so bad compared to mine. I don’t drink often but when I do I get really out of control – so as long as it doesn’t look like that, the drugs can’t be that bad.
Whenever I would react badly to something, he’d act like it was because I just “didn’t understand him” or because I was being unreasonable and asking too much. When we went on our first vacation together and it wasn’t the trip I was hoping for, for example. He would wake up in the mornings just furious I wanted to be up early so we could go out exploring. He stayed up all night one night by himself and slept through most of the next day, including during a particularly awesome drive (I was driving, I drove that whole trip). So there were plenty of moments I spent alone, and I started thinking, man, is this what vacation is going to be like for the rest of my life? He has been better since then, but now I realize it’s because he’s not on drugs anymore. When he could sense I was disappointed after that trip, he acted like I was breaking his heart for ruining the memory of it (he’s often used the phrase “breaks my heart” to describe the way my reactions make him feel).
I’ve been trying to get better about money the last year or two, and I kept wondering why he makes ~15k more than me a year but it always seemed like he had no money. One time I even asked “where does the money go, are you on drugs or something?” But he said I asked it in a hypothetical way so he wasn’t technically lying. Or sometimes I’d get upset or annoyed because he is messy, but instead of actually cleaning he would “shuffle things around” (his phrase). Like, I was prescribed Adderall in college, I know what it feels like to stay up all night rearranging furniture! But he was always able to turn it around on me, that he was just trying to help and I, basically, was just being a bitch. He always has the ~best of intentions~…
This is not the first time a boyfriend has used drugs in secret, unfortunately. And that part is forcing me to take a look at myself. Like am I just weak for allowing men to talk me out of my suspicions? I also have always kind of felt like, ok, we might not be 100% compatible about every single thing, but he is my safe place and we love each other and he loves me despite my flaws. I’m just can’t help seeing the whole situation a little differently now.
He regrets telling me because he didn’t think it would be such a huge deal, since he stopped using on his own last year. But I’m really hurt that he would let me take on all that guilt, all the time, that he was doing his best and I was hurting him by drinking. I know I WAS really hurting him, but he’s not as.. like.. virtuous as he let me believe. He says he didn’t lie to me because I never asked him outright, which I think is a bullshit thing to say. Just feels like he’s making excuses. When I tell him it feels like he is not taking ownership but instead turning thing around on me, he says he is trying to “meet in the middle.” So his idea of meeting in the middle is pointing his finger back at me, I guess. Like because I have struggled with drinking (spent all but 6 weeks of the last 2.5 years sober, btw), I don’t have the right to be upset about any of this.
When we finally talked last night, it devolved into an argument. All I want is for him to hug me and apologize and acknowledge how hurt I am. But that’s not what I’m getting. When I said “I was so lonely during a lot of that time,” his response was that he was ALSO lonely. Not an apology.
He's just not the saint I thought he was. Which is fine! I don’t need or want a saint. But he is not taking enough ownership of his actions. And for years he let me carry around the weight of feeling like the only one fucking up our relationship. We talked about my drinking in therapy SO MUCH. But like.. just because an addiction is quiet, doesn’t mean it’s not affecting the relationship. Again, it’s not even really the drugs. It’s the way he’s acted so virtuous for years, and the way he’s not giving me the apology I feel I deserve right now. That’s what I’m mad about. I’m at the age where some of my peers are already starting to get divorced. Some of whom I would’ve never guessed wouldn’t work out. So I’m just not feeling very confident about any of it right now.

TL;DR – fiancé hid a secret drug addiction for years. I struggle with addiction as well, but my struggles have always been out in the open. For two years he let me feel like my actions were the only thing holding our relationship back. He quit on his own 6 months ago. I am feeling both blindsided by the news and also validated, because over the years I have had some suspicions. Am I being reasonable? How do I convey how deeply important it is to me that he takes ownership of this?

here's the demographic and other info the rules ask for (my previous post was removed for leaving this stuff out):
age: 22 sex assigned at birth: female height: about 5'2 weight: about 130 medications: adderall, abilify, tranexamic acid (bc I'm currently menstruating and it won't stop...that's a separate issue lol), ferrous sulfate (bc I'm anemic bc of the nonstop menstruating). and I take b12 (bc im vegetarian) and fiber supplements (bc ferrous sulfate/iron tablets can cause constipation). and i just started vitamin c supplements to help with iron absorption..more on that below. smoking status: I don't smoke
so I have what seem to be mild allergic reactions when I eat fruit/drink fruity things. it's been this way for awhile and my mom has the same thing, only worse, and her dad also seemed to have had the same thing. the reaction seems to only be my throat getting sore.
fruits I have reactions to from what I know of and from what I eat: pineapple, oranges, tangerines, etc., limes, lemons, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, cranberries, (any berry really), cherries. there's probably more but I don't eat enough to really know for sure. watermelon doesn't seem to give me that reaction.
the reason why I ask today is the last two days I've been taking vitamin c supplement gummies in the morning like i mentioned in the info above, and my throat HURTS. I only had a few sips of my "apple burst" gatorade today so I don't think that would make my throat hurt this much. I've also been eating a lot of "doritos dinamita chile limon rolled flavored tortilla chips" (bc its my safe food right now) and also getting what seems to be acid reflux maybe? after I eat them.
idk im just confused and tired of this because I REALLY love fruit. I wish I could eat it everyday but it hurts and I dont want to make it worse.
does anyone know what's going on?

Dutch Test
Female 27 aprox 125lbs 5'2, Medications: 15mg adderall, conditions: Ehlers-Danlos hypermobility type, PCOS, POTs, and Craniocervical Instability
I have been struggling with my PCOS for the past 3 years. My PCOS symptoms include polycystic ovaries, hair loss, Acne (face and body), weight gain, a little more than normal body hair, rapid body hair growth, brain fog, fatigue, and severe depression. Might be worth it to mention that I had none of these symptoms, apart from depression, before 3 years ago, I never even got a single zit before the age of 21. I had a progesterone IUD from 20-25 if that helps. I have been treated with Spironolactone in the past. It was honestly life changing. My depression vanished, I lost 30lbs in 2 months, and all of my symptoms either went away or got significantly better. Only down side was that I was constantly bleeding on Spironolactone, nothing too major but I need a panty liner everyday.
After 3 months on 100mg of Spironolactone, I noticed my fatigue started coming back and my mood started getting a little worse. My dose was increased to 200mg and immediately felt better.
Another 3 months and the same thing started. They tested my free testosterone and it had literally doubled while taking it.
Cut to January of this year, my doctor wants to discontinue the Spironolactone because of the chronic bleeding. She wants to use this opportunity to get a clearer picture of my hormones and their metabolites. So I wait an excruciating 4 months and take the Dutch hormone test. I am a little confused by my results.
My 5a-Reductase Activity is pretty low, but all research I've looked into shows that it is usually high in PCOS patients. My DHEA-S is actually on the low end and my testosterone is high. I'm having trouble interpreting these results. I'm wondering if this is an expected result for someone with PCOS and hyperandrogenism. Should I be asking my doctors to look into anything else? Does anything here explain why my Spironolactone would stop working/not lower my testosterone? Dutch Test

I’m 16 and I have noticed some more impairments in my episodic memory recently, I have had significant difficulties in remembering my day to day life and events since I had been hospitalised for my asthma (blood oxygen of 52% for about an hour) and after prolonged substance use (marijuana, alcohol, nicotine for 5+ months), I did find a few studies that suggested prolonged use of amphetamine based medications in children with ADHD could possibly cause a reduction in volume of certain subregions of the hippocampus (namely, the left Cornu Ammonis 1 and left strata radiatum/lacunosum/moleculare sub regions) but said study didn’t have enough data to fully support that notion, and the participants were aged between 6 and 12 years, it also noted there were no significant effects on cortical thickness or surface area, it was also noted that further research was needed to determine if the volumetric decreases are directly associated with impairments in episodic and long term memory function, another study puts into question the effects of amphetamines on episodic memory retrieval, I have also seen it proposed that in long term use, resulting neurotoxicity can inhibit neurogenesis in the hippocampus, but to add; this is not me wanting to get off of Adderall XR (I was recently increased to 20 mg), I just want to properly voice my concerns and seek answers, I’m very worried my memory will stay this bad or get worse, I can genuinely not remember more than yesterday without being reminded and it is a living nightmare, my memory was getting almost as good as it had been previously but then I was put under general anaesthesia and I was thrown back to square one

I want to share a story of my life since I don't know how prevalent this is, who else has gone through similar things and whether i'm in a similar boat to anyone else.
Ever since I was young, as early as 5 or 6, i've always been using a computer. Back then I used to bide my time on flash games and watching pirated movies. My parents were not cautious with me on the internet, possibly due to that time being before we knew of any of the consequences of "iPad children" or even just the dark side of the internet being a rather niche thing to know about for the average person at the time.
At the time of this PC usage I also had every sony console and used to spend most of my day before and after school in front of a screen, playing san andreas, watching tv shows, cartoon network, nickolodean, there is very little of my childhood that wasn't spent in front of a screen of some kind.
Years pass and I am now 8 years old, I encounter sexual imagery and feel a curiosity towards it. Over time I constantly look to these images and videos, not pleasuring myself but simply watching out of curiosity. There does come a day sometime during this period where I gradually increase the intensity of what i'm watching, I'm not even joking here when I say watching cartoon p\*rn and playing cartoon p\*rn games was something I did regularly, eventually curiosity grew to lust, I had soon realised that I could pleasure myself during those viewings of content.
During all of this I had homework to do, eventually there would be exams to study for, things I had to do for my life which I would unsurprisingly neglect to do. I would neglect all my homework for games or anime or just TV. I wouldn't study due to my constant internal desire to look at a screen, it was like a heroin addiction towards a screen.
My parents would often tell me to study and do whatever homework I had, I would do my homework sometimes and other times completely neglect it, when you're in elementary/primary school it doesn't seem to matter too much as long as you did enough work in school.
Things get worse as I enter secondary school (Ages 11 to 16), in the beginning I would do my homework more often than not, and I paid attention in class, not being too distruptive or talking to others around me. But as time passed i became more neglectful of homework and extracurricular things, wanting to spend my time gaming with my friends online on my PC instead.
I regularly got detentions due to my laziness in doing my homework and I procrastinated everything to do with school. I woke up, went to school, maybe occasionally did stuff with friends then went home to game till midnight or later, repeating this cycle for 5 years of my life. Somehow I paid attention enough in class and got lucky enough to pass the big final exams at the end of secondary school.
The next stage of education, in college (UK Ages 16-18) were particularly bad, these are probably the worst years of my life so far. I had moved away from where I grew up, went to a different school in a new environment with new people, still addicted to my PC and I hated school. The subjects got harder to a point where you can no longer just pay attention to pass, I hated studying and spent all my time outside school on a PC, watching anime, gaming, sexual content etc.
I felt like a real degenerate, drifting through life without a purpose, borderline suicidal, I was failing my classes and had a horrible teacher that would often mortify me in front of the whole class due to my lack of ability. But then all of a sudden a blessing in the form of pestilence hit the world and I had a reason to not go to school anymore, COVID-19. COVID caused schools to shut down and the UK to go into lockdown where I could now freely spend all my time gaming, wasting time and just being lazy in general.
Months pass and life is uneventful, I make a decision to myself to resit a year hoping to change and work harder, to study harder, to move forward in life. But real life isn't a movie, the redemption arc of the real world is in most cases a tragedy, as is the case with me where my short-lived aspirations were quickly shot down by the fact that changing is not such an easy thing to achieve.
I struggled to even get started on studying, the virtual world had a grasp on me that I couldn't shake off, when I all of a sudden thought I wanted to study or do something productive, my body forced me back to wasting time like a curse. I thought I might ADHD and started doing some research into things like adderall and ritalin.
I aimed to obtain those things through the dark web, but I had no money as a broke student living in my parent's house. I instead looked to things like nootropics such as aniracetam, turmeric, piracetam, real questionable things. Regardless, during this time period it escalated to a point where I started doing drugs, I took edibles, I bought LSD thinking it might give me the life altering perspective or epiphany to change my life completely.
I almost died doing some shady xanax i bought and was sent to the hospital, worrying my whole family which made me feel a horrific shame internally, it really made me want to either commit suicide or change my life, and the easier one was more tempting.
After this I went through a whole year of trying various drugs, not studying, fucking around and whatnot, It would take me a whole year to decide enough is enough and quit all drugs.
I will skip a lot here but time passes, I get through school, There's exams which I don't study for because I can't, my body forces me away from it. Even though I decided to resit that year, I still fuck up the year because I can't study. My predicted grades were high however, which allowed me to enter a university on an unconditional offer, I got in without much effort studying something which I could give less of a shit about, that being Law.
My life is a mess, I need an overhaul while i'm still young, before I grow old unable to have even achieved anything. To this day, I still can't do any form of work without something compelling me towards a time waster.
I would like advice from anyone, I left a lot out of this story due to the length so if you have any questions let me know.
Thank you for reading all that I have written.