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I recently moved back to my hometown. My wife, Helen, and my kids, John and Mary were driving with the rest of our things. And would arrive tomorrow morning.
If I was being honest staying in the new house alone wasn’t my ideal idea for my first day in the house.but it was what it was i thought.
I grab one of the boxes from my backseat. I leave the car door open since I had more boxes to get.
I walk up on the white wooden steps of the porch. I fumble through my pockets for the little single key to the house.
I unlock the door as I walk in with the box. I sat the box in front of the stairs. As i was walking out to get another box something fell on my head.
A little single note with the words monster in red ick. It looked a little sloppy my 10 year old son had better handwriting then this I thought.
Must of been something the previous owners left behind. I continue to get the rest of the boxes. After I was finally finished I decided to relax on the couch we had moved here a few months ago.
But as I make my way to my new living room I see a newspaper on the couch. I pick it up Flipping it to the front page. I saw a picture of a girl on the main cover who didn’t look older than 13.
Vivian Myers
I knew exactly who she was. She was murdered back in 26. Her murder quickly became famous. Even the big city folk knew her story.
This newspaper was even from 1927. A year after her death. It didn’t make sense why it was here as it was 1946 now.
I just chopped it up to the previous owners leaving it. I throw the newspaper aside and I lay my head down on the couch.
I unexpectedly fell asleep after a minute. The drive here plus carrying the boxes exhausted me.
I was having a nice calm dream. But I was soon lead to a more eerie and vivid dream. I was in the middle of the woods.
I was quite familiar with these woods. I used to come here with my pa after school. We used to hunt animals for dinner.
But I felt like I wasn’t myself in this dream. I heard a voice in the distance calling somebody’s name but I couldn’t quite understand it. It was like it was muffled out
I began to run I felt fear all over me like I was scared for my life. It felt like i knew I was gonna die soon. But somehow I knew deep down that these weren’t my memories but someone’s else.
It was like the dream was controlling me. I continued to run. I was running like a wild cat in different directions and turns.
I was desperate not to let this thing get “me”. I began to feel dizzy. I slow down and I suddenly stop. My vision was hazy and my chest was pounding at the same time.
I felt like I was dying. I fell on the ground lucky not hitting my head. But the pain in chest got more severe. And my vision was more hazy. I also started to see black dots.
I lift my head up. Desperately trying to get up but I couldn’t. I started to cry I knew all hope was lost I suddenly feel an awful feeling of dread and fear.
I have never felt this scared. It felt so real this whole dream felt so real. I see a pair of boots right in front of me. I then feel my hair get yanked up. I look at the person who yanked me. He was muffled out to. I couldn’t see a single damn detail on him.
He then says a few things as I stay silent. But like him and the name he called out his voice was also muffled out.
I couldn’t understand a damn word he was saying. Shit i didn’t even know if he was a he.
He takes out a knife from the back of his pants. his grip on my hair still tight. I could see the knife clearly. it was not muffled out.
Which made me have more fear. I try to run but he yanks my hair back. I try to shake and scream for help. But he was way stronger than me. And my voice was also muffled out. I felt hopeless. I start to cry.
Which wasn’t muffled out. I felt the knife touch my throat it felt cold. At that moment I stop moving. I just froze.
It was like a very sharp hunting knife. Before he could kill me though i awoke as I darted up and breathing heavily. I was sweating all over and felt goosebumps. I hear a loud knock on the door. Along with my children’s excited voices.
Were they already here?. Did I really sleep through the rest of the afternoon and the whole night. I open the door as my kids come running in hugging me.
“Welcome to your new home children” my wife Helen says walking in the door.
“John you get the room up stairs on the right and Mary you get the room up stairs on the left understood?” I say to my children
They nod and both say yes. Right after they run up stairs to their new bedrooms. I walk up to wife hugging her and kissing her forehead.
“How was the drive here?” I ask my wife who looked awfully tired
“The kids…. William they won’t listen to me” my wife says you could tell she was exhausted by the tone of her voice.
“I’ll take care of kids, you get some sleep you look tired Helen” I say as I take her hand leading her to the couch.
“I’ll go get one of Mary’s blankets you just lay here” I say as I leave and headed up the stairs.
I turn to the left where Mary’s room is. I was about to enter until I heard her voice.
“Hello…. I’m Mary what’s your name”
I fling the door opened. I look at Mary who is just sitting Chris cross on her bed. No body else was in here.
“Mary who were you talking to ?”
Mary looks around with a confused look on her face the Shrugs and looks down.
“I don’t know… no one I guess” she says quietly. I almost couldn’t hear her.
I was a little confused I would sworn i heard Mary talking to someone. I then remembered my wife who was without her blanket .
“ Mary your mother needs one of your spare blankets” Mary nods in response and gets one of her blankets out from one of the boxes.
Mary runs up and hands it to me. I take the blanket and I head back downstairs to my wife. When I got there she was already asleep. I put Mary’s blanket over her.
I go to my wife’s car to get the rest of the boxes. After a couple hours my wife wakes up to make the kids and I dinner.
August 4th 1946
The new house was nice. The new school that the kids attended was also pretty nice. The neighbors were as nice and welcoming as everything else. I think I’m gonna like it here.
I had just came home from work when my wife came storming towards me with tears.
“Me and you need to have a conversation” she said grabbing my hand and taking me to our bedroom locking the door behind her.
She was crying and shaking like she was terrified.
“Helen what is the meaning of thi-“ before I could finish my wife interrupted me
“Our daughter said she made a friend and this friend apparently lives here in our home William.” My wife starts to take deep breath’s from crying as she continues.
“Mary said her name is Vivian. And get this Vivian said you’re a bad man. MARY SAID YOU KILLED THAT LITTLE GIRL A FIVE YEAR OLD DOESN’T MAKE THAT UP WILLIAM”
I just stood there looking down with a confused expression wondering where my daughter got this information from. And then I remembered the newspaper and thought maybe she saw it and picked it up.
“She probably got this from a newspaper that was left here about that little girl Vivian” I say trying to calm my wife down
“William I’m worried about her ever since we moved she has been talking about that girl” my wife says with tears.
I walk over to my wife to embrace her and comfort her as I stroke her hair.
“Don’t worry love I’ll have a talk with her I’ll take care of it” after comforting my wife I head down to the kitchen where the back door is. Mary always comes to the backyard after school it’s like her daily routine.
As I open the main door I look through the screen door to see Mary wasn’t alone. Mary was sitting on the ground playing with some grass. And there was a girl sitting next to her with her hand on her back. She was facing the other way so I could only see her back. but she was way older then Mary I mean it wasn’t hard to tell.
I open the screen door which caused the girl to give me a side glare. I could now see one side of her face. It was decayed and grey and her face had cracks and her eyes….
Her eyes were fully black. They had no color to them at all. I could feel her glare it was strong it almost frightened me. The only thing normal about her was her dark brown hair.
“MARY COME INSIDE SWEETIE”
Mary looks up at me and says okay. I only look at my daughter as I try to not look at that girl. Mary runs in the house past me.
I look at Mary as she past me then I look back at the girl. She was now standing looking straight at me with her black eyes. Her hair and dress were getting blown by the wind.
She was wearing a dark blue polka dot dress with black slippers. Her glare was pure evil. it sent me goosebumps.
I knew who she was but it was impossible. It was that 13 year old dead girl back in the 20s. It was Vivian Myers
I closed my eyes and shook my head a little. And when I opened them she had vanished.
Was I seeing things or was my daughter really talking to this dead girl. I was confused.
So confused that having a talk with my daughter slipped my mind completely. I just needed to lay down and rest it was probably just stress from work I thought.
I went up to the bedroom to take a nap and get some stress off. Like before I was having a good dream but then I was back to the dream I had when we first moved.
I could hear the voice but this time it wasn’t muffled out.
“VIVIAN, VIVIAN”
He called out by his voice I could tell he was male. I started to run just like before. I started to feel dizzy again. No no no I thought. I couldn’t feel dizzy not this time.
But like before I fell. I attempt to get up but failed I try again and failed. That’s when I see a the same pair of boots walk towards me. He yanks my hair up making me look up at him.
It was me a younger version but definitely me.
“You really thought you could run from me Vivian?” I say as I giggle
“No no no Vivian no one runs from me” I say as I smile “and if they do they don’t make it far just like yourself” I say with a chuckle
“ and to think all you had to do was accept my damn hand in marriage but no you can’t do that since I’m 20 years fucking old” I say loud and with anger
“AGE DOESN’T MATTER WHEN ITS TRUE LOVE YOU BITCH” with that I take out my hunting knife my pa gave me and I slit the girls neck.
I could feel the pain. It felt so real. Vivian struggled to breathe as she held her neck to stop the blood. I couldn’t take it. It was torture. It felt too real
I look at the myself as vivian says her last words.
“I’ll… be ….. back” and then vivian fell unconscious.
I wake up breathing heavily. I could still feel the pain from the dream for at least 5 seconds. After I calm myself down I look at myself in the mirror.
Why, why now is that memory hunting me. Yes I killed that girl 20 years ago and that little bitch deserved it.Then another note fell on the ground. I picked it up and turned it to see what it said.
I kept my word didn’t I :)
I rip the note and throw it. There was no way that bitch was back she was dead. I then began to hear giggling behind me. I turn around quickly to see no one. I hear it again behind me and I turn to see no one.
I began to hear the giggling everywhere around me. I cover my ears and close my eyes but not even that can stop it.
“STOP FUCKING WITH ME AND SHOW YOURSELF YOU LITTLE BITCH”
Then everything fell quiet. I thought it was over I took a deep breath until I hear a whisper directly in my ear. The voice was Like an echo.
“Okay” with that I get yanked off the ground by my feet making me hit my head hard on the hard wood floor.
My vision starts to get hazy but before I fell unconscious I saw her. Vivian standing over me with a sinister grin on her face as I could hear her giggle.
September 15th 1946
I woke up with a bright light almost blinding me and a throbbing headache . Once I was able to adjust my eyes I realized I was in a hospital with my wife beside me.
“honey you’re finally awake oh the kids are gonna be so happy” she says as she put her hand on top of mine. She had a smile on her face and looked relieved.
“Helen…what happened” I ask with an exhausted voice. Helen puts her hand on my cheek as she puts a fake smile on.
“You fell and hit your head on the hardwooden floor. You were in a coma for a month” she says with a worried expression.
I sit up as I look at my surroundings. Was all that real?. Did I really see Vivian or was it all a dream. I was confused and didn’t know what to think.
Helen told me that the kids were getting babysat and were at the house. After we signed some paperwork for my release we were in the car on the way home.
The ride home was silent. When we pulled in the driveway way I felt shivers go down my spine as I gulped a little. Something about it didn’t seemed welcoming at all.
Once we entered I was greeted by my kids. They were happy and had wide smiles on their faces.
“How about you get some rest upstairs honey” my wife says as she puts her hand on my cheek.
All I could do was nod and walk upstairs. I was starting to feel a little tipsy. As I walked up with every step I started to feel more and more dizzier.
I finally make it up the stairs now desperately trying to get to my bedroom. My vision starts to blur and even though I knew I was close to my bedroom it was like it was getting farther away from me.
I start to panic and adrenaline kicks in for a little second which was enough time for me to get to my bedroom and pass out in bed. But at least I’m safe now.
September 16th 1946 12:00AM
It was night. I still had my eyes closed but I could tell it was late. I slowly peeled open my heavy eyes when I feel a sharp pain in my stomach.
I could feel the blood flowing out my body and my gasping for air as…..Vivian chokes the life outta me.
She looked different from the last time I saw her. Her skin still looked very grey and decayed. And her eyes were still solid black. It was her jaw it was dislocated to the right side bad.
Just like when I stomped on her face with my hard boots with all my force until her jaw dislocated.
She was looking right in my eyes as they widened. Her giggles sounded sinister like she was gasping for air and giggling at the same time.
She puts the knife down and turns my head to the side. I see myself just laying there passed out. Then it clicked Helen.
As soon as I make the connection Vivian reaches in helens open wound and starts to pull out her organs while laughing.
Like she knew I was witnessing this and feeling the pain as well. I heard Helen’s screams as she tries to hold on to life.
But she failed and died right there. I go in to a silent mode as I just see darkness for felt like forever.
Until I finally did wake up. I peeled my eyes open as I hear giggling. I already knew who it was. Vivian tearing my wife’s guts out as my kids were tied to the end of the bed.
screaming to no use as they had duck tape over their mouths. Vivian must have noticed I was awake as she turns her head to me all the way around along with a loud crack.
She laughs menacingly just this time her jaw wasn’t dislocated. I began to pass out from shook and enter that silent mode again for a while.
September 16th 1946 3:00AM
When I woke up again I was still tied to my bed. this time my kids were no where in sight. I turn my head to Vivian’s backside as she played jump rope with my dead wife’s organs.
I was disgusted at the scene as she giggled. Then she stoped and it was like her body went lump. She drops the organs and turns her head to me and smiles.
“Oh you’re finally awake!” Vivian says with joy as she giggles.
Her voice was strange it was like an echo. She turns around and we make eye contact. I froze as I knew she was waiting for me to say something but I was scared. More frightened than I’ve ever been.
“Y-you’re j-j-“ i mumbled before Vivian interrupted me.
“Oh my jaw you mean this”Vivian says as she dislocates her jaw with her hands.
I screamed at the sight as she was laughing with her disfigured jaw. She soon puts it back in place and stops laughing which made me go quiet as well.
“I’ve wanted 20 long years for this William now it’s my turn to have some fun, with you…and you’re pathetic family” she says as she starts to laugh again.
My eyes widens as i remember about my kids. It was like she could read my mind as she instantly stop laughing.
“Let’s play a little game”she says in a quiet tone which made it more sinister. “I’ll be back” she laughs as she says those words.
The last words she said to me before I slit her throat. I tried to get free from the rope before I realized it was chain. I was pulling as hard as I could but it wouldn’t budge.
I heard footsteps and my bedroom door open as I stoped moving. As soon as Vivian came in sight I saw she had my two kids holding them by their collar.
“Pick William, which one lives and which one dies” Vivian says as she laughs.
“NO LEAVE THEM OUT THI-“ I yell out before I’m interrupted
“Oh no no no we can’t have that then what would be the point of the game”she says giggling but then stops
“so choose which one lives and which one dies” she said in a quiet but more serious tone.
“P-please” I say as I start to sob
She smiles and pushes Mary down on the floor and holds John in front of her.
“Little Johnny it is then” she says as she picks up her knife and stabs the back of his head to the point you could see the knife poking out his mouth.
She pulls it out and starts to laugh. I saw Mary screaming on floor. I started to pull on the chains again to no avail.
“YOU SON OF A BITCH IM GONNA KILL YOU” Vivian immediately stop laughing after I yell that. Her body goes limp again as her head is down.
Then she starts to giggle quietly. “ kill me hehehe YOU ALREADY HAVE” as Vivian yells a gust of wind flows in the room knocking down picture frames and decorations.
Vivian starts to giggle as she starts to float up with her body still limp. The higher Vivian gets the louder her giggles become. Then wind picks up in the room as her giggles turn into laughter.
And then she reaches the top. She lifts her head up and opens her arms out. Her laughter turns menacing. And the wind is so strong that the windows are shattered and glass is flying everywhere.
Both the nightstands smashed into the wall one almost hitting Mary. Mary was screaming and crying as she had to watch this horror unfold. Vivian was still in the air laughing menacingly as she looked at me.
“HOW ABOUT WE THIS OVER WITH OKAY!”Vivian says as she continues to laugh. She floats down and walks beside me. She puts her lips close to my ear as she was gonna whisper something. And she did.
“Don’t worry I’ll let little Mary live” she whispers I start to paint as I know what was about to happen to me.
Vivian gets on the bed and stomps my jaw and with only 3 kicks she dislocates it. I tried to scream but I couldn’t. Saliva coming out my mouth as much as blood.
Vivian then lifts my head up by my hair smiling and giggling in my face. Looking at me eye to eye with satisfaction. She brings the knife to my throat as I realized it was the hunting knife my pa gave me.
The same knife i killed her with. She slits my throat with the knife and starts laughing. I fall back down on the bed as I try to stop the blood but my hands were chained.
It was like the dreams was only a fraction of the pain I felt right now. I gasping for air as I heard Mary crying and screaming along with Vivian’s laughter.
I died as my little girl tried to help me but failed. I guess you won Vivian

2 weeks ago I matched with a girl on FB dating and we hit it off so well, it's never gone this well before lol I really really like this girl and every time we talk I will drop whatever I'm doing and text with her. The only problem is her response times are...extensive to say the least, for example, my last text to her was 12 hours ago in the morning and she hasn't even opened it. I've been trying my best to understand that she has her own life and she isnt as free but it's been annoying having to wait an entire day to continue a little conversation. She always apologizes and I say its fine and I understand. It's been getting harder and harder to say its ok. I can't even bring it up because when she finally sees the text and responds, its continuing the conversation topic we started 24 hours ago. I've brought it up, asking her what time is best to message her but she wont give me a straight answer, she just apologizes...then disappears for another 10 hours. I should also mention that she lives across the border in Mexico and I'm in AZ so I can't exactly ask her out haha I've considered asking her to meet but I'm not sure. Need some advice (: thanks in advance!

In most cartoons, there is a very clear divide between good and evil when it comes to villains. You have the good guys who are clearly good, and the bad guys who are clearly, unabashedly EVIL - at least in the old days, while now they tend to lean more towards 'shades of gray' and sympathetic antagonists, even if they do a kind of bad job at it.
However, who were some 'this is totally the bad guy' era bad guys that...maybe had a point?
One example off the top of my head is Edgar from Aristocats. He was kind, loyal, and too good care of Madame and her cats and her entire home by himself. He clearly had no ill will towards the cats and tolerated a kitten climbing on his face to bat at his hat without any fuss or surprise - this was likely something that happened a lot. He kept Madame company and took good care of an aging and lonely old woman.
Without having any family to inherit her fortune, it only seemed logical that she'd leave everything she had to the person who was there for her more than any other - who tolerated living in a tiny, rather uncomfortable looking little room while there was a whole mansion of empty, lavish rooms that he could have taken - he probably could have moved into any one of those rooms without Madame even noticing, but he didn't. He respected her, and did his job well. However, Madame said that she was, instead of leaving her money to him, going to leave it to her cats.
Now, this would've been easy for him to get around - it's not like the cats could decide what happened to that money after she passed, so Edgar would basically be controlling it anyway - but how insulting and dehumanizing is it to have your life, all the work and companionship you've given - put below the value of a literal animal? A pet? He'd been serving her for who knows how many years, and he was put on a level below a PET.
Even then - he never tried to harm them. If he'd killed the cats and hidden the bodies, he would've gotten away with everything scot-free - it's not like the horse or mouse could say anything about it if they knew at all, but clearly they didn't realize what had happened at all until he told them. He could've just implied they ran away the same way as he did in the movie, only with them having no chance of coming back. It would all around have been MUCH easier for him to have straight up poisoned their food rather than just putting them to sleep, toss the bodies, and enjoy his new wealth.
However, he did not do that. He instead gave them sleeping medicine, very carefully took them out to the countryside - we don't know where his final destination was, as the dogs caused him to lose the cats, but he clearly never intended for them to be harmed - just AWAY.
When they found their way back, instead of killing them - AGAIN - he just tried to send them away again, only much further this time.
Now I get that from the perspective of people watching, it looks like he's evil and greedy, but the people in this world clearly don't know animals can talk and think. They aren't on the same level as people. Edgar took care of Madame and her cats loyally for who knows how many years, he provided her with companionship, with care, keeping her home clean and comfortable, giving her AND her cats rich hand-prepared meals and being kind and compassionate - and she put him below the level of an animal. That insult alone would've had a lot of people packing up and leaving, but Edgar was clearly living there and probably wouldn't really have anywhere to go or another job lined up quick if he just up and left because of how dehumanized he'd been and how she clearly valued him less than a pet. His logic of thinking the nine lives would mean each cat would actually live around twelve years was...pretty off, but that's silly Disney type logic and it's pretty well demonstrated that he's not the smartest guy.
Overall, I think his reaction - while not RIGHT - was reasonable, and he got pretty shafted in the end. I mean...he got kicked by a full grown horse into a chest that was going to be shipped to the other side of the world. He's probably dead.

Backstory: I (F 30) am in a LDR with a guy (M 34). We have been dating for 2 years now, and things started innocently enough. He was supportive, understanding, and affectionate. I was clear about my wants and expectations and he was about his, and we agreed on both.
We talked for a few months before we started dating and things started changing faster than I could wrap my head around as soon as we started dating (literally, the same day) but also just as I had enough he would restart the cycle and be nice again, and want to hug and share affection and apologizes for his mistakes easily, or finds a way to play the victim, but he has since taken control of most of my life.
That brings us to this week’s situation:
A friend of mine (F 29, who I have known for 15 years now) said that she is free to meet up later this week if I want to and if I am free as well. We are quite busy so we get these kinds of opportunities every couple of months maybe. And I would really like to see her and just talk about a book we both read recently.
The issue is that the time she is free is around the time when I usually have lunch with my boyfriend so the meeting would likely have to be arranged around that, and also I am straight up scared and anxious to tell him about it and basically ask for permission to go because he refuses any possibility of me having any friends in the first place and only accepts that I call them “acquaintances” and he is not fond of me going out without him (or at all), and if I do so it can be for maybe an hour or two. And me suggesting I go somewhere more often than not results in a fight (personal attacks from him and attempts to explain my standpoint to him) before either I convince him that I will still be in a relationship with him when I’m away from him (because he is convinced I would somehow betray him if I'm not with him all the time), or I get so emotionally drained from the insults and threats and him calling me crazy and saying that I am the only one in the world who would want to do something like that, that I give up on going and make up an excuse to not see my friends and family for another couple of months and apologize to him for even thinking about such a thing.
If I bring up any concerns about his behaviors he says that that is how and who he is and he doesn't intend to change and I should just accept it and change my behavior and mindset. Also that I should see that he is doing nothing wrong and is just taking care of me. I should change because that would make me better and if I don’t do so I am inconsiderate and selfish and evil for trying to ruin the relationship and him.
We are currently on the nice part of the cycle but me bringing this up might just take it right back into the not so nice part, I am afraid.
I am emotionally deprived and sleep deprived all the time so gathering the strength to stand up for myself when he starts twisting my words, feelings, and reality is difficult and not getting easier by the day.
I don't know what to do, how to do it. Am I asking too much? And I really treating him that badly by wanting to spend some time with someone else? Is having friends while in a relationship really so unacceptable? Am I crazy? Sometimes the answers are clear and then I am very angry about the way he treats me, other times it is all hazy and confusing and scary and guilt-inducing and I feel like my mind is in a blender.
TL;DR - I want to meet up with a close friend this week but am anticipating that my boyfriend will not be in the least happy about it and it leaves me feeling increasingly anxious.

Real talk I slept on this game forever because I loathe the entire BR genre. I fuck with action combat mmos mostly for the pvp but have been kinda burnt out lately. I've been looking for a good pvp game that focuses on melee combat -- turns out, outside of mmos there ain't much of anything in that same kind of style.
Cue me being desperate to get my pvp fix and I see Naraka and think "fuck it, its free I guess". I even told my buddy who decided to download it with me "hey be prepared for me to spend more time downloading than actually playing"
Then I played it for like 4 hours straight. And another hour today. And there will definitely be more tomorrow.
What I'm trying to say is, this game definitely hooked me. Combat is basically exactly what I'm looking for. I definitely have a lot to learn there but also I'm impressed because it feels pretty intuitive. And while yeah it's a BR, I kinda....don't really notice it? Like yeah I have to gear up and look for loot but that feels like it happens pretty quickly and then it's just off to the races looking for fights. I appreciate I don't really have to grind. I just queue for a game, get a little gear and go fight until I can't fight anymore.
All I've really fucked with is survival solos and duos, I know there's more stuff but like I just wanna say I slept hard on this game.....but it's dope.

Hello my broken friends...
One month and six days ago, my girlfriend broke up with me after almost five years of dating. Girlfriend? Dating??? Terms I wouldn't have used a month and seven days ago.
With this (rather long - tl;dr) story, I want to show you how the combination of difficult decision-making, fear of attachment and psychological problems from the past can end a love relationship that was probably destined to last forever. And how you can perhaps avoid such a mistake for yourselves for your next love partnership. (Hopefully none of the people who know me or whom I know will read this. But i guess that this isn't ikely to happen lol).
But let's start with a little back story: I, a young guy still in my mid-20s, have been a kind-hearted and nice person from an early age (at least most of the time). Because of my ambition, I always wanted what others had (not everything, but a looot of things). In elementary school, for example, I was once deeply sad that I had succesfully completed an eye test, even though most people "failed" and I actually wanted to have what the others got as a result - even if it was negative (having worse eyesight). I felt like I had to pursue hobbies or interests outside of school all day every day. In every thing I practiced, I was above average compared to my group - but I was never the best. That annoyed me - also nowadays.
Despite my rather introverted and shy nature, I was very social and LOVED spending time with friends. However, I was usually too shy in front of girls. In high school, with a lot of perseverance and luck, I met my first - and so far only - girlfriend and became more and more self-confident over time. Until... she broke up with me after two years. Two months later she entered into a rebound-relationship with another guy... my best friend; at the time. The reason for the break-up? I was far too jealous that they were doing so much together and that I would have changed too much... Yeah.
Well, the time after that was tough: a lot of bullying from both of them and a very good friend of hers. A whole school year full of frustration, doubt and suffering had to pass before I got over it - also thanks to a good friend with whom I met weekly at his place outside of school - and changed my character to what it is today... Well, more like how it was til' 2019.
Part of developing my character is that I have often had negative experiences in my life with expressing my emotions. When I have cried, I have received both comforting, but also negative reactions. When I was more happy, that didn't go down so well either. When I was angry, my parents always told me that I should keep myself under control because all the negative stress would damage my health. I usually only show emotions for a very short time. Meaning: I get upset, but cool down just as quickly. With my parents, however, I can get even more "provoked" if they try to calm me down when I'm upset or say that my anger would be too much. Accordingly, at some point I subconsciously decided to join the society that cannot praise itself or only rarely, but criticizes itself all the more - and shows no emotions.
Over some time, I had met a lot of girls, built up a large circle of friends and had dates every year from time to time. Always with the intention that it would lead to a relationship. I had almost never had a break from it, while one date fell through just before it ended, the next girl came into my life or something more developed from a previous friendship. But no matter how often and in what form I tried it: It was always over before it could develop into a relationship. Sometimes it was quicker, sometimes it was extremely strange, sometimes it was nothing at all. And I always had some kind of frustration or doubt until the other person met someone else - or until I did.
During my “last” attempt at the end of my school time, I was already sure that we could take the next step towards a relationship. Finally, after all this time, I could have a relationship again. But just as I said the words “I love you”, things started to go downhill with her. There were fewer messages from her and for a long time she made excuses as to why she didn't think it would work out. Years later, she told me that she just didn't feel enough for it, even when she really wanted to.
Each time, my ego was hurt in some way. I went above and beyond on almost all of these dates, only to fail to get the best possible result again and again. There was only one small "thing" after that: A girl I've met closed her relationship with her boyfriend only to ask me 2 weeks later wheter we should make "more" than only a friendship or quit the friendship. What did I do? I kissed her on her lips - without having feelings for her lol. This was only a 2-3 month thing and wasn't that important after all but it shows my bad decision-making even tho the time with her was very nice too. Nevertheless, I decided to let it go and finally focus more on myself: After all, I had mastered my A-Levels and could look forward to a bright future with 18 years. Meaning: focus fully on my hobbies, career and university.
When I wanted to start my studies full of motivation and when I was also extremely hyped, well... I got a chronic illness just before the first exam phase. Fortunately, one that is now very well treated compared to 20 or more years ago, but which still knocked me down in relapses for years and where I only narrowly escaped an operation. I had problems for 2.5 years and was hardly able to do anything apart from university. In summer 2019, I finally got the right medication, which is why I've been relapse-free since then and living more or less as I did before. FINALLY I can start my personal development - right? Well... As we know, Covid started just a few months later. And as a high-risk patient with a weakened immune system, I had to be extremely careful about what I could and couldn't do until 2022. So 5 years in which I could hardly invest any time for myself, but my mindset remained the same: no relationships, focus on yourself. PLEASE!
Back then, I was at the end of my first degree and had also completed my first work experience. However, even then I was no longer the person I had been for years: From the hugely positive "me" who made everyone laugh, who didn't take myself too seriously, who put a lot of positivity and effort into friendships... there hasn't been much of that left since 2020. For example, if I compare my private chats from the last years, I write far fewer texts, have much less of an idea of what to write about, use far fewer emojis and meet up with friends much less often - I generally only reply to some of them after what feels like 100 years. Want an spicy example? A friend who helped me a lot with proofreading my thesis, for example, sent me a five-minute voice message a short time later, which I only replied to... a whole month later. I was far from being a good and communicative friend. Not just with her.
I was also no longer as self-confident in my hobbies and interests and let myself be dragged down more and more by my opinion that I wasn't as good as I used to be. I didn't need more than necessary at university either and after my first work experience, I stopped trying to gain more of those juicy work experience which is important for my future. In fact, I was so "diligent" that I felt like I spent 2/3 of my time last year on my hobbies - and nothing else. This may be good for some people, but I knew that I didn't like it, that it wasn't enough for my future, that I suspected I was suffering from burnout and that I was living in a comfort zone that I really wanted to get out of. But somehow I couldn't. How could that be? Because it's hard to leave a comfort zone? That's true for a lot of people in this world, but for me there was perhaps another reason why this development happened. Which brings us right to the topic:
First of all: we "broke up" on good terms. Which makes things worse - as usual. It was never officially a relationship, if anything - it was an open one for both of us, but it was kept secret. It was actually a "friendship with benefits". That was down to me, because from today's perspective, I'm pretty sure I have attachment anxiety that stemmed from said bad memories of the past. Also, I HATE losing people from my life. I let a lot of people in and don't want to let any of them out again. Horrible imagination. My past relationship hopes have resulted in such scars insofar as I wanted to harden up and, as I said, focus on myself - as I wrote, however, this has been “somewhat” more difficult. I met HER at the end of 2018. At first, she wasn't really my type, but I quickly realized that I was quite attracted to her character. It wasn't just a very good vibe and a really positive atmosphere, but a direct connection that I rarely had before.
The interests and the whole vibe just harmonized very well and she also changed so quickly that I found her really attractive - also because she changed her look overall. From 2019, we started the friendship with benefits story, which lasted until last month. From around 2021-2022, everything went pretty much like in a normal relationship: we saw each other at least once a week, we did a lot of things outside, we wrote to each other regularly and were there for each other, we also went on vacation together. Everything was completely normal, except that I lied about what this truly was. Also to my parents, who I hadn't told anything about dating or other similar stories since my first relationship from school because it had somehow become extremely cringy and uncomfortable for me to talk to them about such things over time. I also told them that I would meet with my boys instead of her or any other girl that I dated. At the weekly meetings too, by the way. She was never at my place and didn't get to know my parents in all that time - but I did get to know her family. In other words, we hid a lot and even her family believed at some point that it was really just a friendship.
I was her first male experience and when Covid started in 2020, I thought the story was over because of the isolation rules. However, she wanted to see me more often again in the middle of the year and I knew that she must have developed feelings for me. Because I really liked her, I went along with it and we continued to meet her regularly every week - although I certainly didn't feel anything romantic at that point.
I certainly fell in love with her kind of early on (I'm guessing around the start of 2021, which would fit in well with the problems and negative development that had started), but at first I lied to myself and didn't want to admit it. I suspected that she loved me and didn't want to hurt her, but wanted to spend time with her, which is why we had this "relationship". The relationship was incredibly good. We were a very good match, never argued (the “worst” thing was when it was about my negative aspects for 20-30 minutes, but I was never actually angry with her, nor did I swear at her or anything like that - I always mediated and tried to be positive for her) and enjoyed every second together.
And... well, I wasn't the best guy when it came to certain things: Whenever she hinted for “more”, I blocked it out, knowing well from today's perspective that I had really hurt her back then. When I told my contacts (actually only a fraction) about it, I said that there was hardly anything from my side.
It's funny: I lied to everyone. Not just my love, not just my other friends, but myself included.
After she went to holidays last year with her friends; she kissed another guy - as she told me - out of spite and cause' her friends intimidated her. She told me about it in our first meeting after the vacation. She felt very bad and guilty. She also said that she would never have done that in a relationship. I had already been able to guess something like this through Insta stories and I was feeling incredibly bad at the time and had also felt pain. When she came back, we had a detailed conversation about “us” and when I asked her how she really felt about me, she admitted her love to me for the first time. What did I do? Well, I said that I also felt “something”, but that I didn't have enough love (which was complete nonsense, because I was actually consciously in love with her at the time) for a relationship. She accepted that too (!) and wanted to wait even more (!!!). Back then, it had been four years.
As I said, we did everything that is normal in a relationship for years. Apart from admitting my love (the highest of feelings was something like “you know how I feel about you” and lots of compliments), I did everything I thought I was able to do. Apart from the reasons above, I also didn't want a relationship because of my bad experiences with other women, thought that I could be more “free” without a relationship and that I couldn't focus on myself otherwise. But I did have that focus with her: she went along with everything, flew with me on vacation (purely for my own purposes) and supported me in the best possible way.
Well… And then, at the beginning of May this year, she told me that - over the last few weeks - she had been thinking with the idea that it would never work out between us and that she only wanted to see me as her best friend. She sort of “accepted” this from time to time and increasingly wanted to put an end to the idea of a relationship/future with me, which is why her feelings gradually faded. The kissing also seemed rather forced at the meeting, although it was still very intense four days before, after we hadn't been able to see each other for two weeks (she was ill). She was also very sad four days before when I wanted to go home and had hoped that we would see each other for longer.
Back to the meeting: When I painfully confessed my love to her straight afterwards, she was completely surprised and didn't believe it at first. But she said in tears that she still wouldn't feel it like she did once, that she was torn and didn't want to lose me and was thinking about it again, but couldn't promise anything. What made it worse was that she said that “it's probably the worst thing for both of us that you confessed your love to me right now”. After all, she thought I would be okay with remaining just very good friends forever. We often said to each other: “I hope it stays between us forever”. But we both meant it in a romantic way.
Since then, I've felt incredibly bad every day and couldn't sleep well. Just typical: Extreme pain in my chest and the thought of how easily everything could have been different. A simple “I love you” and the world would have been a completely different place. I told her that I was 100% to blame and that she shouldn't think for a second that she had messed up a potential relationship, too. Fate has given me endless opportunities over the past five years. It basically said to me: “BRO, CAN YOU PLEASE TAKE ONE? I want to see you in a relationship with her!". Well, it seems that a human can upset even his own fate. Because I never took one of the many chances, because I thought things were going so well and a change could ruin everything - which probably wouldn't have been the case...
Two examples, maybe?

1. In 2021, I asked her a riddle. Not much information, no reference to the current topic. I told her: “If you solve this riddle, we'll get married one day - I promise”. What was my question? “What comedy with historical content did I watch on YouTube this week?”. I didn't give her any hints, she couldn't check anywhere what I had watched or anything like that. Of course, the question was deliberately impossible to answer - because neither she nor I had anything else to do with the topic itself. The only thing I said to help was that she also knew the comedy. And what did she say within seconds? The right answer. I was absolutely flabbergasted and couldn't believe it for a second. How the hell did she solve this riddle? What were the chances of finding the solution just by guessing? The odds has to be as small as winning the lottery, right?
2. (of x million): My best friend from school started to talk to me about asking her out for a relationship - completely out of nothing during one of the increasingly rare meetings in February this year. I didn't understand why he brought up this topic in the first place, but he kept going on and on. It went on for about 40 minutes. Because I couldn't take it any more, I “promised” to bring it up at the next meeting with her. My best friend, who has no contact with her, told me at the time when she started to question the whole thing, perhaps as a last chance from fate, that I should discuss it with her. At the meetings before that, he only ever mentioned it very briefly. For example, when he asked at a few meetings before "what would happen if she didn't want it anymore at some point?", I replied: “Oh, she loves me so much, that won't happen. And if it does, sure, I'll be a bit sad, but it'll pass quickly". Stupid me.

But why did he then, exactly in February, keep on going on my nerves until I promised him I would address it? Well, obvious reasons...
Btw: Did I do it? Lol, of course not.
How often I wanted to say “I love you” to her in the last few months, since 2022 in fact, how often it was on the tip of my tongue, I swallowed it down again, even though it was already on my lips. But something inside me kept preventing me from telling her the truth about how I really felt. I always tried to convince myself that there was nothing there. When I thought about her at home with myself, I already imagined that she was probably the one I would one day start a family with. I had often dreamed about her and when I woke up, I was happy knowing that I had her. And yet... even then I always said “No, you don't want that right now”. Now I'm dreaming from what I could have had... There was only one time when I said "I feel the same" after she told me that she loves me. She was smiling as I never saw such happiness before on her face. Well... I surely had to say "Buuuut, you know not as much as you do - hehe"...
But when I first confessed my love to her a good month ago, I also felt extremely shitty, because that's when I realized how shitty I'd been to her in terms of relationship thoughts, to my environment and to myself in general over the last few years. This negative development, all of this made sense: I had lost my happiness and no longer questioned why everything was going so strangely and badly. I thought “Well, that's just the way it is - I'll fix it sometime soon”. But I didn't. I only got the happiness I told myself I had because of her. She gave me the strength and made me believe that my situation really wasn't as bad as it was. By saying that I loved her, I realized all of that. Suddenly - as so often - I realized what potential I had left behind, how I had only treated her like a friend who would stay forever anyway, because you have constant contact and physical closeness and the love can't disappear, right? She lives quite close to me and all our activities are also close by. Do you think I invested or spent as much time as I could have? I thought it was just because I didn't confess love to her, but no, even then I realized how blatantly negative my negative aspects were to her: My unpunctuality, my unreliability (postponing meetings shortly before because when I was angry about one of my hobbies or favorite football team), keeping a lot of things secret from my parents, practically stringing them along too, even though I never wanted anyone else myself. The male greed, demons in me always told me: “Brooo, you don't want to bind yourself yet, there are a few other experiences you could have before you get into a relationship with her”. I had three chances to have a ONS with other girls during that time with her, but I turned them all down because of her (I also communicated that to her). Like my demons told me that I would want it, but I never really wanted it.
But the worst thing was that I took it all far too much for granted, even though I always criticized other guys' girlfriends for this. The lack of appreciation also bothered her enormously, although she didn't even know that I practically idolized her in comparison to other things or people. I didn't interact as much and as openly with anyone as I did with her. Which shows how I was with many other contacts/friends at the time...
One thing as an example from March: She was on vacation and I told her that I really wanted to talk to her on the phone and see photos of her. What happened when she arrived there? I was distracted all day and instead of writing to her that it was going to be difficult today, I reacted in the same way as with other friends. Exactly: with NOTHING at all. I only replied in the evening. She also commented that she knows that I like her very much and vice versa, but that somehow she just doesn't feel properly appreciated and it's not the first time she's felt that way. She feels really appreciated and very happy every time we met, but everything outside of that was just... not enough. I apologized profusely and she accepted it - once again. As it was so often the case, it was once again one-sided.
I realized all my problems, including the fact that this friendship with benefits is a complete nonsense and that I secretly wanted what I had always talked myself out of: A relationship with her, my best friend, my first real love of my life.
When I drove home that evening in May, she looked sadly out of the window at me and told me at the break-up meeting in the end of may three weeks later that she actually wanted to run after me and talk to me again - but even then it was supposedly already too late and there were no more chances. Maybe - in reality - there were still some chances...
By the way, break-up talk: I confronted her in person two weeks after that evening and asked her if we wanted to talk about everything again in peace. At my house. The second time she'd been to my place. Within 5 years. She agreed. I still had some hope, after all, she still had told me in March that she loves me and in April we had also written that we missed each other very much. So I couldn't believe that all her feelings for me had really been blown away.
The vibe at this “last” meeting was the same as always at our meetings. Even soft physical contact, but only knee to knee - at best.
We first went through the last few years. I prepared a series of pictures of memories and wanted to hear from her what her feelings had been like during all that time. She said it was 50/50 overall - which I expected. I'm sure that the negative experiences (unpunctuality, unreliability, insecurity about the relationship, lying about who I'm on vacation with, pushing away feelings, etc.) have extinguished her love. Nothing worked anymore, 0.0 chance. She even had to start crying 2-3 times when she talked to me about certain things because it still seemed to affect her.
I had also structured the meeting it in such a way that I gave her joint pieces that fit to our "relationship"- bit by bit, which were supposed to explain our story again. She also found this really sweet, but it still left her a little cold somewhere, too. She was also very convinced that the negative aspects were not consciously from my part, but were there too often and she no longer wanted to compromise.
February was the time when she was torn and when she felt less and less, even when she tried to feel more again. But even during that time, I kept showing her that it wasn't going to work out and since she thought I didn't want a relationship anyway, she gave up completely. In a relationship, she would probably have tried even longer, she said. But she often talked herself out of it, that I will never love her, whereas most of the good times were actually when we saw each other. Everything else was rather not that great. She also said that we were “too different”. She really managed to talk herself into these things in order to be able to fully implement the protection mechanism...
I also gave her a photo collage with pictures of both of us, but that didn't impress her much either. Just like the suggestion to give it a try for 1-2 months until her Apprenticeship starts to see if her feelings could come back. But no matter how I turned it around, she said that she really didn't have any feelings for me at all.
I am shocked. She loved me so much for almost 5 years, fought so hard for me, wanted this relationship with me so badly. How could she lose it all so quickly? Leave all her feelings within 2-3 months? Lost her first love so easily? Somehow I still can't believe that it's really all gone and I still believe that any remaining romantic feelings are buried by disappointment and frustration. But... am I right about that? Love is not a game and can hardly be explained rationally.
She didn't even want to keep in touch with me as a friend (to respect my situation), even though she promised that she would definitely want to be friends with me again at some point. We haven't blocked or ignored each other anywhere, and she still interacts with me passively on two apps, even though she doesn't have to tho. But she probably just doesn't want it to go “completely” - can't explain why she does it. But well, after all, she wants to be friends again at some point.
We hugged each other strongly and tightly several times, I was also allowed to give her another kiss on the forehead (as we usually did when saying goodbye) and she also caught tears again in the car and gave me a big hug, but then said goodbye too.
It's just so brutal that I threw away a chance for the love of my life so easily because I was too confident about the "relationship" and thought that I didn't need to admit my feelings yet... even though fate has told me so often that I should. Incidentally, I went to see a therapist in the time before the break-up talk and was also very lucky because I found one straight away who still had capacity for me. I also told her this because I understood for myself that I had to change and optimize a lot and that I had already recognized completely different perspectives in the short time I had. I wanted to use this 2nd attempt more than anything else in the world. And I saw the future for me and with her as it should have been in the past - only I didn't have this realization before. I have even been able to eliminate all the problems that existed before: I started being hugely punctual (never been in my life before), I apologized to all my contacts who were acutely there for me on the issue for my neglectful ways. I told the truth to my parents, who I hadn't told about girls for over a decade. In fact, it was such a brutal backpack that I didn't even feel pain or sorrow a day later. And because all the issues that were such a hindrance to me making it a relationship are gone in no time at all, it makes it all the harder for me to accept my situation now.
Unfortunately, in love and in life, you rarely get a second chance when it's too late... (Why though?)
And you know what? I would probably never have had this realization if she had never ended it. I would have entered into a relationship at some point later; but improve myself? I probably wouldn't have done that either.
I'm a bit annoyed that I didn't get this second try - but can you really blame her? Of course, I invested a lot in this "relationship" and for her, too, including doing a lot with her without feelings at the beginning, although that wasn't my top priority. Even with the vacation story with the guy she kissed, some people wouldn't have continued it. Well, some in a relationship... in a friendship with benefits, that shouldn't be a problem, even though she always said it was “exclusive”. Oh yes, an exclusive friendship with benefits... I'd basically given her some more attempts other guys maybe wouldn't have given, but let's be honest: with everything she did for me and how much she invested in me, it was more than justified.
I'm also annoyed about the way some things have been. Things that make me wonder whether there is any basis for a future friendship? Since February, without talking to me about it because she was afraid that I would “leave her”, she has already thought about whether it would make much sense to be with me. In that time, she has felt my closeness, seen how I want her to be happy, even if I wasn't perfect, of course.
Nevertheless, she had me on her “path” to leaving. My negative aspects didn't suit her in the long run, I never wanted to see her negative aspects in a negative light or even address them - because I didn't care about them. I liked/loved her the way she is. She has distanced herself from me, even though she knows me and also believes that I only had to deal with heartache now, even though I need her as my best friend, as the nearest friend in recent years, more than ever before. I have to go through this shit alone now. Does a person who actually sees you as their best friend say during a break-up talk like this that they don't even miss writing to you, even though you wrote so intensely before and didn't even write a month before how much they would miss you? That they couldn't stay friends because who knows, maybe she'll have someone new in two months (she assured me that there was no one there and she hadn't met anyone yet, too. But I know that the next vacation with the girlfriends is coming up soon...)??? Of course she just wanted to cut it hard, but can you say things like that to someone who you know loves you, who you know so much and who you actually still like? Who you actually want to be big friends with again at some point?
Despite the negative outcome, I still didn't realize that day how bad my situation actually was: I've made a lot of mistakes in the last few years - as described. I've lost a lot of friends who have become normal contacts. And I always thought it wasn't so bad because she was the one who gave me that strength, this power. She was my best friend, but only in combination with true love. When her love for me waned, I wasn't that important to her anymore.
So I don't have anyone in my life at the moment who I can vent my thoughts, frustrations or anything else at any given second. Every piece of negative news stays inside me and fuels me further. Many contacts and my parents help me, of course, but none as intensively as SHE did or as very close friends would do normally. Things have also been going extremely badly at university recently. I messed up presentations and assignments, got the most difficult seminar due to too many applicants for other, better seminars...
So what else I've seen and learned about my situation since the break-up talk... is just brutal. After the first evaluation, my therapist suspects that I may have ADHD in combination with (severe) depression, which has probably been there for some time, but I never realized or wanted to realize it. But that would also be logical in the sense that I didn't understand what I wanted, that I always had to suppress my feelings and could never talk openly and honestly about them - with anyone. The psychological problems of my past ate up my present. In my hobbies, at university, in my career and... in my love.
And no, I'm not shifting the blame: because I allowed exactly this development to happen. And I already mentioned at the beginning of this text that I tend to struggle with decisions.
I want to get better, I've already become much more mature since last month. Much more productive. But it's still hard since the break-up talk. I'm in a lot of pain from the grief, feel sorry for my parents who are seeing me in pain, I'm in a deep hole. Why couldn't I say “I love you” just once? How proud and happy she would have been. She has occasionally mentioned that a few of her friends are already getting engaged and that she is afraid she will never be able to do it. She's in her early-mid 20s, so it's not an acute desire yet, but a medium to long-term one. A job, then a family, so that she can be really happy. And I would love nothing more than to be the man who can give her exactly that happiness. But my old, disgusting ego... has probably destroyed that chance forever. I know that I deserve this pain right now. After all, she had to suffer some too when I frequently pushed her hopes away. For almost five years, she thought it was a one-sided thing. And it was only when she no longer wanted it that I understood what a unique once in a lifetime gift of life I had missed out on. Brutal and so incredibly unnecessary. I cry every day, I get trigger from mutual memories, I don't know what to do with myself. The boy who wanted to be above average compared to those around him and was ambitious? He was below average when it came to love, catastrophic in fact. The only strength I can currently give myself? The small-hope of having a second try with her at some point, some day. With the love of my life. If she came to try again out of nowhere, it would be the only cure for my current situation.
Now we came to the end of the story. Actually, I could write a lot more, but I think this should be enough to understand the context quite well (apart from the fact that I don't think anyone is crazy enough to read it all anyway).
Saying “I love you” once or an invitation to a date in which I prepare everything romantically and ask her about a relationship - in March, for example - and I probably wouldn't have had to write you this text today; instead, I would probably have found happiness. And I probably wouldn't have to be afraid of never being able to forgive myself - even if the feelings are gone, this scar of this mistake can remain forever...
One month and six days ago, not my girlfriend broke up with me after almost five years of dating. One month and six days ago, the love of my life broke up with me after almost five years of a stupid friends with benefits bullshit. I will probably regret it forever, knowing how easily I could have gotten into a relationship with her and how moronically I behaved so often.
That was the story. Sorry for this incredibly long text. But I had to let it out for once. Even if probably no one will read the story completely.
What I have learned is: always be communicative. You have a person you can trust the most in front of you. A person who makes you happy in a way that no other person probably ever had. Have the courage and don't be too embarrassed to share thoughts that are deep inside you. All the problems you think you have are not worth mentioning. A great and strong love, on the other hand, is worth it. To lose it and then feel such pain isn't worth it. Knowing that it wasn't “just not meant to be” like it usually is, but that it really “should have been”, is something that hurts brutally. None of us humans should have to feel that way. I will learn from my mistake and hope that I won't be punished for too long for behaving so childishly and immaturely. But will I ever have another chance with this love of my life? Only fate can decide whether I deserve one last chance with her, a first real attempt with my new, yet-to-be-developed self... Maybe I also have to find my luck and love to myself again before I get the chance to earn her love back. I would do anything to be the best man she could have. Because before that, I was a sweet child at best.

While her parents were setting up the dining table, Adina gazed at the ticking clock in her room. Adina smiled to herself as she heard the gift-wrapping noise in her ears. She pondered what the surprise could be. Tonight, she would turn sixteen and she thought about how she was in the sweetest stage of her life. She tightly gripped her hands to her fluffy pink pillow and gave a squeaky squeal. Thankfully, Adina’s sister Mahi would be arriving soon with Aisha to bring her a gift. Also, Adina hoped her best friend Emma would be able to be there too.
When the doorbell rang, Adina’s eyes were glued to her cell- phone screen. Adina’s parents told her that she was not allowed to leave her room or else the surprise would be spoiled. Her fingers scrolled through each social media post one by one. She noticed Emma’s post with thirty likes. Emma wrote how thrilled she was for tonight. A comment underneath it said, “Adina is no fun.” Another comment below it said, “Why waste your time?” There were five thumbs up for each of these comments. Shocked, Adina kept on scrolling, seeing if there was anything else being said about her. Who were these people that she was friends with and why were they talking about her behind her back?
She heaved a sigh, tossing and turning on her bed with the blue light glowing on her face. There is no reason that Emma cannot be there. She promised her that she would come.
She should give Emma a call to see what she is up to and if she can make it. Adina dialed Emma’s number on her cellphone. The phone rang, but there was no answer. It went straight to voicemail. She called again. Still, no answer.
Adina dropped her phone beside her. She felt like someone stepped on her chest. Emma is no cheater. She cannot be. It was like these people wanted to ruin her life. For this reason, Adina just could not understand. She squinted hard at her phone. How could they write something like that the day of her birthday? And Emma’s post was written at eight in the morning. Her party is supposed to start at twelve. Right now, it is eleven thirty. Emma always comes earlier than that. Is she on her way?
In a few minutes, she began to sniff on her pillow.
“No, no,” She muttered under her breath. She pushed her tears away. She did not want to cry. Not on her birthday. She was assuming Emma would listen to these haters and end up bashing her party. She would not just trust people that easily.
Adina straightened out her pink midi dress that was embroidered with golden glittered flowers at the bottom and a ribbon on the waistline. She had been waiting to wear this for months, and she saved it exclusively for today. She felt breathtaking.
Adina had to find a way to keep a smile on her face. Her parents were devising a lot for her, and it was no doubt that she was thankful for that. She dwelled on the time when her parents bought her first bike for a surprise. She was only six years old.
“I am scared, Baba. I do not want to ride without you,” she whined.
“You have been doing well. Now it is time to see your balance,” he reassured her.
Her dad pushed her gently to let her be free. As she moved the pedals, she went faster and finally caught her balance. She was hesitant at first, but she was finally able to glide through the wheels of the bike.
However, the social media post kept getting in the way of these memories, provoking Adina slightly. She was now filled with mixed emotions; she was enthusiastic about her family’s surprise for her and worried about Emma not calling her back. Adina did not know how to react. She loved her family dearly and was usually someone who was overjoyed by the littlest things. So, Emma not showing up should have been only a slight problem. It was easier said than done though because she has been close friends with Emma since preschool.
Emma was born in Italy while Mahi was born in Bangladesh. Emma loved trying new things, especially different flavors of food. This is what Adina loved about her. Emma was always into Mahi and her family’s recipes.
As Adina put on her light pink lip gloss, her curled black hair shined in front of the oval shaped mirror. She was blooming to adolescence with her full lips and youthful cheekbones. Her deep brown eyes were defined in golden eyeliner. Her hair bounced as she shook it to the side to apply some more foundation. Just a little bit of makeup since it is her birthday, not too much. She wanted it natural.
Adina wondered if it was Emma when the doorbell rang earlier. Or was it her sister? She knew her sister would make it without a doubt like she always does, but Emma really wasn’t coming.
Startled, she heard her father knock on her door.
“Adina, your sister, and her friend Aisha are home! You can come out now.” He spoke.
Sister and her friend? How about Emma?
She brushed her fingers on her dress and elegantly opened the door, until she caught her lovely family singing and clapping to the happy birthday song. It was done in the most animated expression, and it was so sincere. But something was not right. Someone was missing at her special birthday party.
As her parents looked at her with overwhelming love, they embraced her. “Oh, honey! You look beautiful, just like a princess!” They told her.
Her mother stroked her cheek. “Is anything wrong?”
Adina tried to soothe herself in their arms and her heart melted there. “I am fine. Of course, I am. You both planned all of this for me.”
Adina looked all around her in awe. A happy birthday sticker was on the wall, with pink balloons everywhere. There were pink cherry blossom flowers in little vases on every table inside the home. There was birthday music playing in the background and cupcakes stacked in tall plates. Pink roses were sitting on the window. It looked insanely beautiful, and she could not help but smile for real this time. The pink lights were matched with the confetti cake that was waiting for her on the table. Her eyes widened at the sight of rainbow flames blasting out of these candles and the smell of sweet buttercream with whipped cream together all in one. How special.
Adina muttered “wow” under her breath and shook her head. Everything looked so ornate.
Adina’s sister Mahi, who was two years older than her, was also wearing a tiara over her hair. The tiara was silver with exquisite white pearls and diamonds.
Suddenly, Adina’s heart dropped. She was staring at Mahi’s crown in shock. It was twice as large as Adina’s crown that she was wearing. It looked like it was Mahi’s birthday, but it was not.
Wearing a crown is not a custom in the family, but since it was Adina’s special birthday, she wanted to wear one. She didn’t know her big sister would be wearing one either.
Adina thought to herself how her older sister is Miss Perfect at everything with her looks, intelligence, creativity, and charisma. Adina had looked up to her for her whole life.
Mahi sheathed herself in a silky bright pink dress, with a birthday tag on it. Her hair was also curled. Mahi, the girl with all the friends in the world. She is the most popular girl in school, and everyone stops when they see her to take time to appreciate her.
Adina quivered a little bit. “W-wait. What? Is this a joke?” She asked Mahi.
“Adinaaa. I am just joking,” Mahi said. Aisha elbowed Mahi with a side glare.
“That’s not funny!” Adina whined.
“Girls~,~ stop. Enough is enough! This is her birthday. Mahi, you should not have done that to her, and Adina, focus on yourself,” Her father strictly advised them.
Mahi and Aisha suddenly kept quiet and nodded, and Adina looked at her father in relief.
Mahi took care of Adina when she was a child. From dressing her up when her mother was busy cooking to braiding her hair and holding her hand and taking her to the bus stop. She knew how to look after her. Although she knew how to get on her nerves, it was done in a sisterly way. However, Adina did not expect her to go this far on the day of her birthday. Something seemed off about Mahi, and she noticed it.
As Mahi handed out her purple, pink striped gift bag, she gave Adina’s shoulder a tight squeeze. “Happy birthday, sweet sister,” she said with a diva expression. Mahi’s heels clunked on the floor as she walked away with her coffee latte and her best friend.
“Thanks,” Adina responded as her tears welled up. Adina was not someone to envy someone so easily, this was her sister. Adina tried comforting herself with positive reaffirmations. She tried to focus on the cake, but a wave of emotions stormed inside her slowly and all of a sudden. Everything began to look blurry. She tried to hold her tears back, but instead bawled her eyes out.
“Honey do not cry. Look at me!” Her mother cheered Adina on. “Okay, hurry up and blow the candles!”
Adina tried reading her mother’s eyes to see if she understood. Her mother’s eyes always spoke the truth that everything would be okay. This was her reassurance. She knew her parents told Mahi to make her birthday extra special for her. Her parents also knew about Emma not showing up. Besides, Adina’s parents wanted her to be happy for her birthday, and she owed it to them.
Adina smiled and let her breath burn off each shining candle. Everyone immediately clapped and cheered her on for her new chapter just to begin. Adina’s mother sliced a piece of cake, starting with Adina and then with everyone else. Tonight, they were having biryani, potato chops, and grilled chicken for dinner.
Everyone smiled at the sweet frosting of the cake on their plates. They knew they would enjoy it so much that they would all end up with no more pieces of cake left.
"Absolutely delicious," Aisha said trying the food.
Mahi patiently held onto the plate and served others extra food if they wanted more.
“Would you like some latte with that?” She joked when she served Adina. Adina laughed and shook her head a little. Oh, Mahi. But at least everyone was quite gratified and in good company. Adina’s parents were smiling and asking the girls about their future dreams and careers. Adina could see her family’s efforts in putting their heart and soul into this special birthday party for her.
When it was time to open the presents, Adina paused a little. She thought about how her friend bought her a friendship lucky charm every year. This year, there would not be any. She took another deep breath again.
Just move on, Adina. Her voice told her inside her head. But Adina could not listen to it. She fought it back by giving in to the thought that it could just be too early to move on that quickly. She reminded herself that she would overthink this later.
Adina was getting ready to open her first present. There was a tag on the gift bag that said “to: Adina, from: your sister.” The gift bag was small and light. She shook the bag, trying to guess what it was. It seemed it could be a little journal, perhaps? Every year, Mahi bought Adina something that Adina was obsessed with. This year, Adina really liked zebras.
Adina did not want to wait. She fiddled with the tissue paper and tore out the wrapping paper from the box. Inside was a silver necklace with a lucky zebra charm.
“Wow, Mahi. It is beautiful!” Adina was awakened by the brilliance of the jewelry dangling in her gentle hands. She cried tears of joy and attempted to put the necklace around her neck. She hassled to get the grip and the hook inside the hole. For a few minutes, Adina just forgot about all those problems that were revolving around her head. She was too focused and in the moment.
“Well, duh! That is why I bought it. Here, let me put it on for you, love,” Mahi said while looking at Adina compassionately.
Mahi gently locked in the key to her necklace. “Thank you so much, Mahi. You have no idea how much this means to me!” Adina responded excitedly.
“Oh, stop. Of course! You gotta love me!” Mahi said posing with her tiara.
Adina paused, looking at Mahi in admiration. Then she said, “You know what Mahi? It is your birthday too,” and gave Mahi a big hug.
“That’s my girls!” Adina’s mother said.
“There you go,” Adina’s father said.
“Lucky me. Now it is my turn. Open mine and tell me what you think,” Adina’s mother added.
“Don’t forget mine too, princess.” Adina’s father prodded her.
“I won’t, Baba and Ma,” Adina said while looking at the gifts and her parents with love, admiration, and respect.
Adina was excited. On a big box, wrapped in cupcake-pink gift-wrapping paper, she saw on it scribbled “Mama Bear.” She traced the letters with her fingertips before opening it.
Inside the box, she unwrapped a beautiful pair of pink sneakers. There were gems on the side, and they were perfect. It would match her long, silky pink skirt. Adina loved wearing sneakers with dresses and skirts, and this was something that she always wanted. She ran up to her mother and gave her a hug and kiss on the side of her cheek.
“Thank you so much, Ma!” She beamed with her hands clasped together to her heart.
Her hand went to her dad’s gift bag next. She slid her hand inside the bag, feeling soft cotton. She threw the tissue papers in the air and opened her mouth wide as she pulled out a pink sweater with the word LOVE in the middle. It was a Barbie pink color with a very feminine look, dazzling her eyes. Adina had been playing with Barbie dolls since she was a toddler, and this only brought her memories. Memories of when each doll would dance in her fingertips with little heels and long hair. She could style each one as she wished; often, they reminded her of her older sister who had always been so perfect. Adina’s eyes lit up at the look of the sweater that smelled like strawberry. She could not wait for it to be sitting on her skin.
Adina loved her parents so much. They always knew just how to make her smile. This sweater would now be a perfect match for her new pink sneakers.
While triggers kept lurking beneath her smile, especially of the comments she saw earlier on Facebook about her, she knew that if her parents were here, she would be all right. As she ran to her father’s belly to give him a hug, she knew she was safe and protected there.
“Thank you, Baba! Thank you, Ma! Thank you everyone!” She hugged her father and everyone else again.
Although Adina knew her parents would always be there for her, she remembered how her father would be leaving for a new job soon and her mother would be working all day and night. Adina was used to her parents always being home and didn’t know what would happen. Her sister would be the only one home then to look after her. She could not imagine how it would be.
Although she and her sister are close, Mahi and Aisha are now officially best friends. Would Mahi still have time to take care of Adina? Adina knows she often gets bored easily and does not know what to do with her time.
Mahi just started her first year of college, and Adina just started high school. Adina thought to herself how she should be living her life, not staring at the wall. So, she thought about trying to text Emma again to see if she would answer. Something may have happened that she didn’t know of? That was her hope here, though what she saw on Facebook hurt her. Words can have power, either for better or worse.
All Adina hoped for then was that Emma didn’t choose to respond to those comments supporting them.
When Adina and Emma were in kindergarten, Emma was the first person to share her crayons. They both colored on the same page. As both giggled, they drew monkeys, zebras, koala bears, and all the animals they learned about. When they were in second grade, they would chase each other in the playground. One time, Emma fell running backwards into the playground and Adina helped her up, taking her to the nurse’s office. They held hands on their way back to the classroom as Emma drank the water from the Ziploc bag full of ice cubes. Munching on the ice, Adina told her to keep it on her knee before it melted away completely. There was only a big bruise on Emma’s right knee, which now is healed.
There were so many more memories that Adina could think of until her birthday party ended, but Adina decided she would leave that for tomorrow. Today, she was going to finish the rest of her birthday with her family and savor each moment.
Everyone chit-chatted about their favorite memory with Adina and as she listened, she shook her head in amazement. What a miracle!
“Oh, Adina has a wonderful heart. All the heroic things Adina did, she did not realize how much of an affect she had made at an early age.”
“Like what, ma?” Adina asked.
“Well, you saved a kitten when you were five and bought it home,” her mother said.
“Really? I cannot believe that!” Adina responded, sounding surprised.
“What a hero!” Mahi laughed while rolling her eyes.
Adina tried putting the first puzzle pieces together. She could not remember saving a kitten when she was five and wished she could. That is probably because she was young.
“Where did the kitten go? Why don’t we still have it, Ma?” Adina asked while munching on the rice and savoring chicken in her mouth.
As her mother swallowed her food, she said, “We gave her up for adoption to our neighbor. She wanted to care for it since we were too busy to look after it. You and Mahi were only children.
“Ew! Animals in the house?” Mahi asked while scrunching her nose. “It would smell here!”
Adina responded, “But it is easy to take care of kittens! And they are clean. Right, Baba?”
“That is true,” Adina’s father said.
“So, can we get another one?” Adina asked.
“We will see. Once you finish your final exam we will think about it. How does that sound?” Her father pointed to the air. Adina’s father looked at her mother, who nodded in return. They both shared a similar reaction. A reaction full of patience and understanding.
“But how about now?” Adina asked.
“Not now, Adina,” her mother advised.
“Fine.” Adina crossed her arms to her chest, looking sideways.
Aisha fiddled around with her straight black hair and scanned the living room with her introspective eyes.
“I do not know about that. She will make this whole place a zoo!” Aisha laughed while tapping her foot slowly.
“Zoo?” Mahi asked, dumbfounded.
“What do you mean?” Adina asked Aisha, annoyed.
“How about we take you girls to the zoo for Adina’s birthday? It is her special day!” the mother suggested.
“And don’t say no,” the father warned them.
“What! Of course it is a yes. I want to go!” Adina immediately said after she took a breath in surprise. Now her day will be officially complete. With all the chaos, Adina is ready for some fresh breath of air. The gifts, dinner, cake, and hugs were the support she needed today. As a teenager, every girl wants their sweet sixteen to be special, and Adina can say that it was a mixed birthday full of emotions. It was a rollercoaster ride, for sure.
"C'mon ladies, let's go!" Adina's father said.
He opened the door, waiting for them all to exit. Once they were all outside, he unlocked the door, and they followed him to the car. Everyone buckled their seatbelts, and Adina's father prepared himself to drive.
"Everyone is good?" Adina's father asked. They all responded that they were.
It was a one-hour drive to the zoo. Adina’s heart raced when she thought of all the animals that she would see. Zebras, lions, tigers, monkeys, bears, reptiles, gorillas, giraffes, birds, cheetahs, and wolves were all waiting for Adina there.
Adina's father lowered his left window after slowing down his car. Then he stopped. On a man’s shoulder, red and blue parrots stood and greeted them hello. They were entering the gate. This man with an orange beard grinned at everyone who was with Adina and behind her.
“Hello. Welcome to Wild and Free Park. Tickets will need to be paid over there!” He pointed behind him, straight to the right.
Adina, her family, and her sister’s best friend all scurried over to buy tickets. After her parents were done paying for them all, they were anticipating the adventure to come. Mahi scratched her arm and waved a fly away in the air. Aisha nudged her shoulder with her elbow. They were all wearing caps because it was a summer day, so hot that if they took them off, their heads would burn. Adina stood there with a light in her eyes.
By the time they were inside the gate, Adina wanted to be friends with this whole entire zoo. The stripes on the zebras, beards on the lions, fluffy hair on the bears, and beautiful wings of the birds made her understand why she was in love with animals in the first place. She always wished that she could run as fast as a cheetah and be as tall as a giraffe. She wondered what it would be like to even fly like these birds. She was breath taken by these God given creatures.
“Wow. Mom. Dad. Look!” She pointed at the tigers and lions. They were crouching down inside a cage, looking fierce and wild. These animals were isolated from their homes, with no free place to wander about. They were restless and fatigued, but they seemed strong enough to leap. Adina was confounded to wonder why animals had to live in zoos just for the show of it. They deserved to be living on their own land. At least she got to go to the zoo today and see these animals closer than she ever had.
Adina whistled to the lions, hoping they would come near so she could stroke their head. The lions were lying down on their bellies, waiting for the hours of boredom to pass.
“Adina, stop! What are you doing!?” Mahi asked her with eyes as feisty as the tigers.
“Mahi, I want to see them closer. They look a bit thirsty. Don’t they? They need water,” she said.
“Yes, thirsty. Thirsty to bite! Keep your distance, sweet sister,” Mahi said.
Aisha laughed, “Watch me roar!”
Mahi kept staring at Adina. Then she let go, walked away, and continued exploring the zoo. Adina had not left the last animal yet. She did not want to listen to Mahi’s words. Adina’s parents were giving the girls time to look around and enjoy the birthday party.
“Hey, pssst!” Adina whispered to the lions.
“What is it?” the lion answered.
Adina jumped at the deep voice of the lion. Did the lion just speak? Adina’s heart was thumping inside her chest.
“You…. you can talk?” Adina asked him.
“Yes. I can. Finally, someone understands,” the lion said.
Adina stood there, lost in her thoughts. Was she hearing voices? They sounded muffled and a ringing occurred in her right year, after she heard this deep voice. She didnt~’~ expect this. From the distance, someone would probably think she's a crazy teenager talking to an animal.
“Talk to me. Please, help me.” The deep voice kept repeating and repeating. She felt like she was drowning in an ocean of voices.
Adina held both hands to her ears, clasping them tightly. She bent down her on knees, urging them to stop, but she couldn’t.
“Adina! What’s wrong? Come here. You are falling behind.” Adina’s father shouted.
Startled, Adina noticed her father’s alert expression. Oh, snap! She thought. She wished she could have communicated with the lion for a little longer. Was the lion really talking to her? Or was she simply crazy? She could hear voices. Did her father hear the lion speaking to her too?
“I’ll be back, Mr. Lion!” Adina said.
“Who were you talking to?” Adina’s father asked her quietly when she walked by his side.
“To the lion,” Adina said.
“Lions can’t talk, Adina,” her father said. “Be careful. They’re animals.”
“He won’t do me no harm baba!” She insisted.
“You cannot pet them without their permission. They said on the signs to not touch the animals unless allowed. What if they bite? They could be hungry or thirsty,” he warned her.
“But it’s my birthday, Baba,” Adina said as she swallowed a gulp of air.
“Me and your mother bought you here for your birthday, yes. We want you to enjoy it, but please try to be careful. You are just like when you were five, always running to animals and petting them. That is good, but not at the zoo unless you are working here.”
As Adina and her father walked under the shining sun, they stopped when they noticed a black and white striped-looking horse. The zebra gestured towards their direction from the cage and nodded majestically.
Adina smiled. “Baba, look! They are posing just like the necklace that Mahi got me,” Adina said.
“Yes, and you are wearing it. Let us take a picture,” he chuckled. “Smile.”
Adina smiled again at her father’s phone. She held a peace sign up in the air for her birthday. Her zebra charm was sparkling in the sunlight, illuminating the day and matching the zebra itself.

My older sister (20) is visiting us for the summer so she can work. She is a guest in our house. She brought her cat with her and of course, cats like to play. I have a habit of leaving my door open, and today her cat got into my room and jumped around and knocked down a big jug of water made of glass onto the floor. It shattered, of course, and glass and water was everywhere. Inside of my bag, on my computer, on the cables, etcetera.
I was in the bathroom when I heard it and she was in the hallway outside. She even asked why my door was open and I replied that she should close it then, but she did not hear me. When the glass shattered, I peeked out to see what the commotion was and she asked if I was OK because she thought it came from the bathroom, but I thought it came from downstairs.
When I returned to my room, I saw the broken glass and she saw it as well. She did not apologize, only make a pitiful voice (think "ohh..."). I went downstairs to fetch a broom and when I came upstairs I asked her to "help clean *your* cat's mess" and she was mad. She said "don't pin all the blame on me" and I was flabbergasted.
She did help, in the beginning, but not much. She picked some glass and we went back and forth on using a broom and I did not want to use it as it was wet (and also I wanted her to do it...). Eventually I outright asked her to do it and she refused. Then that evolved into an argument and her points were that it was my fault and that we would both clean it because it was my fault for leaving the door open, and that it would not have happened in the first place if I had just closed my door and she told me I should know to close my door. Mind you, she did not think of closing the door, either, and when I told her this she told me "what would that have changed if he was already in there?"
I told her I have a habit of having my door open and that it's her cat that is the problem. Her cat is her responsibility, an extension of her, and it is thus her responsibility to clean up any mess he takes. She does not seem to comprehend this and is hyper-fixating on me having my door open.
Everything is wet. My computer, my cables, my SKETCHBOOK. When I told her she made my sketchbook wet she just ignored me and to be fair, I ignored her because she started talking about a bunch of things and getting very angry (ex. "how can you keep your rabbits inside, then?" because my rabbits will not free-roam in everyone else's room and thus if something does happen they will chew on MY cables). I'm very angry about my sketchbook.
I told her she does not respect my space and belongings and she seemed so confused. She furrowed her brows and looked like me as if I was insane. She told me it was still my fault for keeping the door open, but it is still my space. It is still my belongings she damaged. Since she had visited us, I have respected all her thousands of toiletries on my bathroom counter. I have respected the space she takes up.
So, AITA? I understand I had some fault in leaving the door open, but this literally would not happen had she not had a cat, but she does have one, which she is responsible for.

Hi. I've been lurking for a while now, and though I'm not convinced of Steven's guilt, I'd like to consider other points of view that might help answer my question.
After reading the pinned post here, I've been struggling with the timeline of events from the day Teresa went missing.
Steven describes the day, for the most part, fairly consistently on each occasion. I know there's people saying he changed this one detail or seemed to be unsure about this or that, etc. But considering he has an IQ of 70 and has been thrust back into the spotlight after a wrongful conviction, you have to allow some discrepancy there. If it were me, I'd be so nervous and untrusting of the detectives, I'd have done similar things--pausing to think, answering unsurely about her appearance, etc.--because being forthcoming and upfront with certain details could actually make him look worse.
Remember, an IQ of 70 is like dealing with a child in a lot of ways. You need to put yourself in that mindset. You don't want to go back to prison. You're terrified that the truth isn't enough to save you because it didn't last time, and you don't trust anyone in that room. You're scared. Nervous. Someone you know is missing and you're being accused of being involved. Any adult with a lower mental capacity would be intimidated in that situation. Some states have laws that give these individuals more protection during questioning because of how often they're falsely accused based on their behavior. In otherwords, they're more prone to look or act in ways that most people would consider guilty for a normal individual.
Secondly, none of it makes sense. Let's say he did do it. He called and specifically asked for her to come to his house with the intention of assaulting or killing her. Planned his whole day around it. She came, did her thing, got back into the car to hand him that magazine and bam! He assaults her right there, in broad daylight, starts battling with her in his front yard in full view of anyone around, knowing Bobby is home. That his mom is probably roaming around on her golf cart. That if Teresa Halbach screamed even once, he'd be going straight back to prison and never getting out.
I don't buy it. I've been sitting here thinking, analyzing facts and the impact that eighteen years of prison would have on any man for a crime he didn't commit, and I gotta say, it sounds utterly ridiculous to think he'd risk everything to do whatever people think he did to her.
For context, I got caught stealing once as a teenager. Stole some stuff from a drug store and thought I'd gotten away with it as I walked out the door, just to find two men waiting outside to escort me back in.
I will never forget that experience. The humiliation. The horror of being walked back inside, of knowing everyone who sees knows exactly what you've done, and trust me, everyone was looking.
They took me in the back into a small room where they questioned me. Asked things like, "Why were you stealing this? What's your address? Give us your phone number. If you don't tell us we'll call the cops." I was so afraid I couldn't remember shit. I told them I couldn't remember, that I was so scared I couldn't think, and they thought I was lying. When they accused me of being deceitful, it only made things worse.
If you've ever heard the term "scared straight," then you can imagine the mark that day left on me. I was sixteen when it happened and to this day, I can't walk into a store without feeling watched, judged, or accused in some way. Needless to say, I've never stolen since.
So I can't imagine how an innocent man who spent eighteen years behind bars, barely managing to get released, could commit such an obvious, blatent, risky crime so soon after. A crime that was, by far, a thousand times worse than any he'd commited before it, right when he'd gotten a new lease on life, was about to get a large sum of money, and finally be with his family.
I think it's fair to heavily consider this, especially if you're basing his guilt on his past actions or overall character.
But let's assume he did do it. Steven Avery specifically asked for Teresa by name--said fuck it, who cares if everyone knows I set this up, or told Barbara beforehand in order to arrange the payment. I'll just wait for Teresa, hoping she drives up at the perfect moment because, shit. I have no idea when she'll actually be here. Let's hope Bobby isn't home, in clear view and hearing distance of her vehicle.
But let's assume he did it. Just went fucking crazy in the middle of his driveway in broad daylight, assaulted her, killed her, somehow managed to pull it off without her screaming even once. Then what?
He's got a dead woman in his driveway. A dead woman that he asked for by name, along with said dead woman's vehicle. Anyone could walk up at any moment. He's panicking.
What does he do with her? Does he drag her somewhere? Stash the vehicle? Wait for the cover of darkness to do whatever nefarious things he had planned? Or did he move her body from the driver's side to the passenger seat, managing once again to avoid being seen and transport the evidence so he could hide and dispose of it later?
What now?
He gets back home in a relatively short span of time, notices that Bobby is gone (thank God they didn't cross paths while he was murdering her) and manages to clean himself up, getting rid of any obvious evidence (was there blood? Did he get scratched or marked by the woman who was probably fighting for her life?). Then somehow, he remains calm and collected enough to think up a story about her giving him that magazine--which he's clever enough to take from the vehicle and place inside his home, just in case--and all before his Ma comes rolling up on her golf cart to deliver his mail.
I just can't see it. I can't imagine how he would be that stupid and messy and unprepared, and pull it off without a hitch. Not to mention the horror of being sent back to prison if a cop so much as looked at him wrong.
How many innocent men have endured nearly two decades behind bars, gotten released, then killed in the most brutal and sloppiest fashion imaginable, just to go back to prison?
I'm seriously asking.
And how many of those innocent men-turned-killers have so much controversy and doubt surrounding their guilt?
Tldr; I'm not here to argue with anyone, but I am curious as to how you think he did it. I want details; your best assumptions as to how he killed her and covered it up and made it fit into the known timeline of the rest of that day. If he's guilty, he obviously did it somehow, and I can't see him pulling it off alone.
Edit: I'm not here to argue the points I've stated. I'm asking a question that so far, not one person accusing him has taken the time to answer. If you think he's guilty, how do you think he did it in a way that corresponds to the timeline of that day, especially after she went missing? I'm only here to get your opinion on that, not to debate. Thanks!
EDIT: You know what, nevermind. I came here with an open mind wanting to hear things that might answer my question and let me see things differently.
But you guys are incredibly hostile. I'm being downvoted and argued with on points I've specifically asked not to discuss. I made my question very clear and nobody is willing to answer it, but everyone wants to shove their opinion down my throat.
I guess I assumed you guys might be reasonable enough to talk to without getting downvoted, laughed at, or talked down to. Sucks to be wrong about that.

1. Straight. Married for 9 years. Looking for chill guys who want to be genuine friends and text and chat. Open for any subjects. I’m a gamer, love comics, enjoy hiking and camping. Recently got into working out and hitting the gym. I listen to lofi when I work on projects. I have 25 tattoos and plan to get more. Would really enjoy having a buddy to talk about this stuff with. Also it’s not a deal breaker but it would be cool if you’re also a fan of porn. In the same way some guys are fans of sports or marvel movies, I am a fan of porn. Most of my in real life friends are prudes so I can’t really talk to them about porn or who my favorites stars are etc. so it would be cool to have a buddy to talk about that with. Do not mistake this as an NSFW post looking to share pics of our junk or be b ate buddies or anything like that. Porn to me is a fandom like any other fandom. Feel free to dm me! Looking for PLATONIC bros between 25-45 that can hold a conversation and won’t ghost after a day or two. I want to make a real connection and find my best bud.

TL;DR. Amazing girlfirend, long distance, broke up with me to make me fast track divorce. We were getting back together, and I caught her hiding an apparent booty call friend from me. Am I foolish?
I am at the tail end of a messy divorce after 15 years with (B). Toxic covert narcissism, and infidelity. When papers were filed and my ex started dating, I started talking to an old friend (G) wand we quickly connected. When my ex found out I was talking to (G) she went crazy and accused me of DV and has been fighting to take the kids and house ever since. the divorce is going on two years now.
Things with G were amazing, such an amazing connection. We were many hours apart and I would visit her every other weekend. We were making plans for the future and talking about marriage.
Apparently, due to my divorce dragging out, G became impatient and rather than talk to me about the problems she was having, she decided to break up with me, thinking it would push me to somehow speed things up. She didn't know that I am at the mercy of the court system here and have been doing everything humanly possible to get through the divorce. I was distraught and didn't know really what was going on behind the breakup.
Only a month after the breakup we started talking again and I began visiting again. Things got more and more serious and I asked G to tell me if there were others. I didn't want to be the other man without knowing. If things needed to be casual because of the distance, I could accept that. On several occasions she promised she would tell me, and that she wasn't like that.
FFW a few months, we are on the cusp of making it official again. G is sleeping and I am watching a movie on her apple TV. a Facetime Call Notification pops up from a guy I had asked about and she had previously laughed it off.
I looked into her phone and low and behold I found lots of texts. funny dirty memes I was sending her, she would send him, naughty photos she would send to me, she was also sending him...
I was livid and woke her. I told her that I know about the guy. she apologised and I said you lied to me.
The next morning I removed a bracelet that I had given her and left.
Over the last week or so, we have been talking, on one occasion we really opened up with each other and she vowed to win me back. saying I am perfect for her and that she needs me every day. That it was a huge mistake and that she had lost respect for herself.
While it is against my code, I decided to not ghost her and give her a chance to earn my trust back.
I wrote a nice letter to her and told her about being willing to try but it would take work from both of us.
since the letter she has sort of gone neutral. she has some crazy stuff going on in her life and is the type to compartmentalize things, so I understood when she asked that we put this on hold until she resolves her other issues in some days. really some bad stuff with family, so there is no doubt it took priority.
Inversly, I am a big communicator, and Im now loosing my mind a bit because of it. I made the choice to give her a chance and now it seems like she isn't interested. It could just be contrast between the both of our communication types. She is definitely the avoidant type.
She also has a a lot of childhood and adult trauma. Living alone in a house for many years, avoidant parents. abusive exs. the whole shebang.
When we have been talking I told her that I would record my thoughts and give them to her. Whether we get back together or not, I see it as good insight and closure on things for both her and I.
Here is the letter.
Am I a hopeless fool, reddit?
G,
This is not necessarily how I feel when you finally receive this. These are simply the thoughts that have come to me since I left your house.
I know sending notes is not the best way to communicate, but I have been cataloging my thoughts and trying to understand my feelings and yours. Getting good communication between us is also tough, so I am writing things here and will send them to you. I was hoping to talk about these things. It may seem silly, but I want things to work between us, and this closure could help both of us.
I am wired to communicate about important things, so please understand that I need to convey my thoughts and concerns to you at least.
When we argued the other night, and things got heated and aggressive, I felt treated like I asking to know every detail of what had happened with another man when I was promised several times that I was the only one. I was really hurt because it was not my intention or desire. It seems to be a conclusion made on your own or with someone’s advice. You could have talked to me about it. Instead, things went straight into saying that I wanted every little detail and that “that’s never going to happen.” That was an extreme conclusion, and I didn’t appreciate being attacked.
I want to see if we can be a couple someday, and not communicating is a big red flag for me and a problem. When we talked and started to work through things, there seemed to be value in us getting back together and committing to each other at some point. You told me so much about yourself, and we learned a lot about each other. You told me you wanted us back the way we were before you broke up with me. You told me that it was all a mistake and that we could truly commit to each other and be happy together. After our argument the other night, I’m unsure if that is the case anymore. I want to trust you, but it would take both of us working together. I understand that there are some issues with things in my past, and I’m happy to tell you whatever you want to know if you feel you can listen and try to understand, should you wish.
I have to proceed with caution now. I want us to trust each other, and I will. The alternative is that we both walk away. I love you and have hope, but my hope is fading with each of these bad interactions and the hot and cold treatment I have been feeling. I would like to know if you only needed to get me to a place where you still have access to me. We can only heal as a team, and I want us to heal. It won’t work if it’s your team vs. my team.
Given our distance and time apart, please understand that your word is the only thing I can rely on. I am troubled now and hypersensitive to everything said and done between us.
It bothers me to recall the times when I was told that it never mattered how late you stayed out or how messed up you got; you would never put yourself in a situation where I needed to worry about you. But that’s precisely what I was told is what happened. And then it continued, while I was coming around again, and being encouraged to come around again. The choice was made to hide it and lie to me, making me feel very disrespected. It made me feel like a fool, betrayed, and horrible inside. It made me question our heartfelt interactions before and after the breakup. I believe that nothing happened before the breakup, but after, the fact that there was that disrespect for me and our connection, our love, that I could be lied to like that and continued to be lied to on such a sensitive subject for me (and for you too if roles were reversed), has made me question everything between us, and the future we were planning.
I was thinking about our conversation recently, and something still bothers me. I asked why you hadn’t blocked that guy. I know we aren’t together currently, so there is that. I was told that you have a few friends that you have been with who are still connected in some way. I get that. So do I. However, I realized that this one person was the only one who was a direct participant in a situation that had real potential to destroy any hope of a future for us. If the roles were reversed, I can assure you that I definitely would sever contact. Are some photos and likes more important than our confidence in each other? It troubles me that his advances are just being ignored. If that is even the case. From all I can gather, it’s possible that nothing has changed, and it could still be happening. And we are still talking about a potential future together, even now. It troubles me that he is so close to town as well. I promised to trust you, but I believe this would be expected from me if things were flipped. I have already done everything possible to sever all contact with the one person who ever jeopardized our relationship in the past. There was so much anger, and horrible things were said when things got heated between us. Was that argument used to hurt me and lie again that night? Did things get heated between us because something happened again? Did something happen because we got angry with each other? In the middle of our argument, you asked me, “You want details?” Was I about to be told that something happened again, just to hurt me in that moment? What will happen when you see him in the bar? What will happen when we argue in the future?
Some of our recent interactions and how I have observed things going on make me wonder if the connection with him is still there in case things don’t work out with me. I wonder if anything has changed at all since I realized what was happening. The distance and time apart physically was something I was working to overcome before because I had no doubts about our future, but now it has made me very insecure about us.
I don’t like feeling like I am another option, and I don’t like feeling like someone else is an option.
These things mess my head up, mainly when we don’t communicate. I don’t want to control you and wouldn’t try. From a man’s perspective on women, that man is being kept as an option. I am being kept as an option.
It seems that commitment between us may not be possible until every day is available. Did you not believe that every day would come? This situation has put the idea of every day in extreme jeopardy for me.
I realized that maybe the need for frequent touch was strong enough that every two weeks wasn’t enough with me while we were together. I was focused on love, caring, and constant contact. I got caught up in trying to show love to fill the time in between, but I didn’t consider touch because I had the same need and could wait, whether we were together or not. If that is true, it doesn’t justify leading me on and lying. It could have been explained to me, and I would have likely still visited occasionally, knowing the situation. Was it all just booty calls? With him? With me? It wasn’t for me because I was convinced I was on the path to us getting back together. And I believed everything I was told.
You told me that, at that time, after we broke up, you lost all respect for yourself. What I have learned about your past makes me wonder if you never felt like someone truly loved you. Someone truly does love you, and with that, your words and actions hold great power over me.
This situation put me exactly where I was in my past in an extremely similar way. I promised never to allow myself to feel this way or be subjected to this sort of thing again. It surprises me in a good way that I am talking to you and even more so that I am working to find a path for us to be together. I promise this is in no way meant to make you feel guilty. It’s just that this has rocked my reality in a way.
Whatever comes out of this, I promise never to try to hold anything over your head in any way. All I am searching for is understanding between us. Please try to see the value in that. Please see the value in how that can build us up or at least give each of us some understanding.
My communication style may be incompatible with yours. I’m trying to determine whether we have a means and desire to heal.
I would like to know if this is a fool’s errand. I will not be happy to lose you, but at least I will have some closure. If it simply needs to be done and over, then tell me. I have to accept that possibility if that is how you feel.
I want to grow together and not apart, despite these challenges.
Here is what I said, followed by the thoughts that still keep me up at night. I may never get clarity on some or all of my thoughts. But at least you will know what has been running through my head.
“I need to be able to trust you. To KNOW you would not lie to me. If we are to ever really be together in a relationship, I need a similar level of commitment that I give. That would never mean control of you. Would never mean you couldn't be yourself or have your fun, or be free. That kind of disrespect and clear betrayal that you showed, is not something I will ever tolerate. If you ever do something even close to that, to me again, whether together or not, I will be gone and gone forever. These things. If you want a real relationship with me, are my
boundaries. Is this worth it to you? I will be keyed up on red flags, and expect communication. If we were together and still have the distance, would you be able to work together and collaborate? Find ways to make it as good and fulfilling as possible in spite of the challenges? Is commitment worth it to you? Because of what has happened, I would expect some complete truths to be told, hard truths.
I deserve that. I do want you and I do want a path to be together. I spent myself trying. And something in me did break recently. Would you be prepared to tell the real truth and help mend?
This is all very serious for me.”
And here is the other one.
“I need to have a talk with you when you are ready. I don't know where it will go.
I've been doing a lot of thinking. If I'm going to even consider being your friend or more, we need to talk about some things. I need you to be honest, and if I sense that you are lying it won't go well. So just give me the truth. I deserve that. I promise not to be rude or mean. I currently don't really have anything to lose. I understand if you can't call me. If you can't, then tell me.
I have to understand one way or another. We both do. I'm hoping there is a path for some healing between us.
I can tell you I wouldn't do this for anyone else ever. You still mean a lot to me, but I can't move forward in any way with you without this.
I still love you and want to figure it out, if you do. If not, or if it's too hard for you, I get it.”

1. Is he married?
2. Did you fall in love with him?
3. Did he know I was coming to spend time with you?
4. What do you want out of this with me?
5. Do you love me?
6. Do you want to commit to each other at some point?
7. Was something going on with him before we started talking in 2022?
8. Was it just FWB or more?
9. How did you rationalize lying to me?
10. Are you still talking to him?
11. Did you have a relationship with him?
12. Were you planning on breaking it off with him if we got back together?
13. Did you keep us both as options?
14. Some weeks before you broke up with me, you started going silent and got mad at me for asking. What was that about?
15. How do you suggest that we rebuild trust? I am having a tough time.
16. Is the distance worth it to you?
17. Will your trauma hurt me again if I let it?
18. Is every two weeks worth it for you?
19. Did the people at the bar know?
20. Did you break it off with him?
21. Can you tell me that nothing happened while we were together?
22. Can you promise me nothing could happen if we get back together?
23. Is it possible that we were not meant to be after all?

Hey everyone. This will be a little long fair warning. I've been lurking in this sub for a little bit now and I chime in from time to time but I really feel the need to make this post for the betterment of those who feel lost, hurt and confused from this horrible illness. I wanna start off by saying I was first plagued with this illness at about 16/17 years old. However I had no idea what it was, and it wasn't that bad initially, I thought it was hormonal acne of some kind since it started as little bumps on my skin, mainly back, shoulders and my chest, these were always the main spots where infections would pop up. I lived a norma life during this time and was not effected mentally or physically until about a year later. I was arrested for the sale and possession of marijuana. I was a local weed dealer, honestly just a kid trying to make some extra money started small then off to the races, was selling ounces a day for about 4 months until I was picked up by the dea on my way back home walking with my girlfriend. That time in jail I started to really see the infection get worse. Conveniently right after I got the hepatitis shot that all inmate's receive( it's very clear at this point morgellons are being put in these vaccination shots). Things started to get bad real fast. Crazy sores all over my chest and back. In jail we are wearing long sleeve jumpsuits and long pants so it wasn't apparent to other inmates. I did about a month and a half and got out with 2 years probation.during this time I was working on rebuilding my life. Lost a girlfriend and got another which I've now dated for 7 years, my ride or die to say the least. My symptoms got worse and worse but I pushed through, finished probation, no felony record thankfully, have stayed working the entire time and used money I made looking for solutions. Ive tried every single supplement under the sun and the only ones that really helped keep it at bay where collodials, zeolite and burdock root. But I didn't understand why these things helped still was learning. Fast forward a little bit my life was going pretty decent working 2 good jobs, then out of nowhere I got sick for a month straight with a cough that wouldn't go away, little did I know these mother fuckers get inside of your vital organs and begin reducing their function. This is what makes us feel sick. Go watch a documentary on YouTube called under the skin. U have to rent it, it's like 3-4 bucks well worth it. In this document they follow many people with the illness and highlight the beginning of the morgellons research foundation. There are people in this movie that talk about having organ failure of many kinds after getting morgellons. I know this is why this happened. I passed out on my living room floor one morning, woke up, and passed out again with severe pain in my stomach and my vision was going black. I thought I was going to die. I was rushed to the hospital where after many tests, they told me they believed it was my spleen, and I had so much internal bleeding that they had to take me into emergency surgery to find out what was the true cause to save my life. Few hours later after that I woke up, with my spleen removed from my body. The doctor who took it out told me that it was almost double in size, when normally enlarged spleens that need surgery are normal 1.25x in size. They said it was the biggest they had ever seen and if it ruptured inside of me I probably wouldnt have made it. So during my recovery in the hospital, I was drugged up beyond belief, I was in excruciating pain, felt like my stomach was being ripped open at all times (i was cut completely open). I without a doubt know now that morgellons are also in the pharmisudical drugs. After taking these pills over a extended period of time I began to flare up with this shit worse than ever before. It literally looked like alien creatures were bursting through my skin I had never been so scared, this was about 2 years ago. I knew that I needed to start making money again so I could get the supplements that helped me before last time I had flare ups in the past. Worked my ass off and ordered my burdock root, ZEOLITE, collodials, some ormus, and a couple other things. My symptoms got WAY better and life kinda went back to normal. Fast forward about a year and a half and again it started to flare up really bad, and guess what, this was at a time where I was smoking weed every day in mass quantities(was going through a serious depression, life had just been really tough and began to get to me). The supplements this time were not really helping. I knew the only way I could beat this shit is to fully understand what the hell it is. Morgellons needs to be throught of as something in between a parasite, and a fungus. Antifungal substances and antiparasitic substances do help morgellons. But what I have come to understand, is u have to be taking a particular combination of thinngs that work synergistically to eliminate all or most of these thing. So after hours, days and weeks of research. I came to the conclusion that I needed collodial silver, collodial copper, ZEOLITE, high allicin garlic, and potent fulvic acid powder. It wasn't until I took this combination of things until I just watched this shit start to completely go away. And it was fast too. I went from looking like a monster of some sorts. To me literally watching my skin heal DRASTICALLY every day, each day was very noticable how much better it was, not to mention my confidence and energy levels were so much better being that I was getting healthier. Fast forward to today, and I just wanna tell you guys. There is fucking hope, fuck anyone who says otherwise, the only reason we are being plagued by this shit is just because we don't understand the enemy we are dealing with. I'm almost fully healed I would like to think. No more sores, no more sick feelings, only very small bumps will pop up from time to time that look like acne but go away if I just up the dosage of copper and silver. The silver is antifungal, antibacterial, antiparasiticical, and it helps keep ur beneficial stomach enzymes in tact. Which helps ur entire biology. The copper is antiviral, antifungal, antibacterial, and it's main benefit is that it speeds up wound healing!!! Which is one of the main issues with morgellons, sores that won't go away for nothing. The ZEOLITE cages these fuckers and u piss them out, when u begin taking these things, the morgs will begin trying to escape through ur skin. DO NOT PICK AT THE BUMPS OR SORES IT WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE. I have a theory that when we pick at these things it just makes them borrow their way deeper into our skin. We must let them leave naturally. Cover up ur arms and legs at all times to prevent u from having the urge to pick, this shit will cause u to freak out and go crazy and be willing to do anything to get them out, just trust in the supplements they work over time. The fulvic acid is a potent detoxification tool, u will get detox symptoms from all of these in conjunction. Follow a strict healthy diet. YOU MUST CUT MEAT OUT OF UR DIET ASAP! this isn't a recommendation it is Mandatory if u want ur symptoma to get better. and fast as often as possible too to assist the detoxification process. Redmond real salt or Celtic salt added to distilled water this will pull them out through ur kidneys and the Celtic and Redmond salt have a ton of minerals to keep u hydrated and feeling good. Abstain from drugs, alcohol. And sex. I know the last one is a hard one. but for some reason having sex makes them angry for some reason. They don't want us having any fun I guess 🤣. If you follow all of these steps u will get better. I didn't want to be too long winded but I had to make this post as I know how you guys feel. I wish I had people with this knowledge to help me in my times of need so hopefully I can help even one of y'all. Stay strong, there is light at the end of the tunnel. If y'all have any questions feel free to ask

Yes long story but a lot happened on this date. 😅 this was back in 2019. Six months after I (24F now 19F then) got my heart broken for the very first time. I never was fond of love so when I actually experienced it I was devastated when I lost it. Took a while to get back on my feet but when I did I was immediately reminded of why dating sucks.
When I hit the six month mark from my break up one of my friends suggested I go on tindedating apps to get my mind off of my ex. Rebounding not the best solution but lead me to greater things. So I created a profile and immediately got matches. Back then I was heavily into memes and bonded with one dude let’s call him Dylan (21M then. fake name). We would send our meme collection and make a lot of jokes. Laughing again felt nice, not long after connecting I agreed to go on a date with him.
Now I want to clarify this guy was super nice and a good person. The odds were just not in his favor on how successful the date was considering all the signs pointed to it not working out.
It started with him picking me up. It was raining super hard that day so I waited at my apartment window to see when he arrived. He texted me he was there but I didn’t see any new cars pull up. I went outside on my balcony to get a lay of the land/parking lot. I spotted a jeep Cherokee that matched his description across the lot; two buildings down. I texted him explaining he was at the wrong building. He seemed confused on where to go so I told him to stay put and I would walk over. Unfortunately my sister took the only umbrella we had in the apartment for work. My umbrella was in my car that my sister also took to work. So I was forced to free ball it in the rain. It wouldn’t have been that bad if it Zeus wasn’t bringing his full wrath down on us.
I walked over to his car (couldn’t run due to a knee cap issues) and by the time I got in my make up was heavily smeared. I apologized for the confusion (not sure why) we did our greetings then as he backed out I started fixing my makeup. (This is sign #1)
As we drove I started to look around the vehicle. Some trash here and there but not too bad. There was rust on the car floor with a small hole. I was little anxious about the fact I could see the road underneath but have had my fair share of old cars. I’ve had cars so crappy I’d be on the side of the road so much; now I get anxiety anytime I’m in sketchy vehicles. As I was observing this a loud squeaking sound came from the dash. He laugh and said “sorry she like’s to squeal.” Then he proceeded to bang on the dash until the sound stopped. This encounter made me anxious in his car to and eventually from the date. (Sign #2)
Picking up the fact that he said ‘she’ reminded me of my ex naming his vehicle. He would also refer to the car as she.
So I ask “She? What is her name?.”
Him: “ah you caught that. Yeah this is my baby Megan.”
My smile dropped. Little did this guy know that two weeks prior I just kicked out my ex friend Megan for tons of drama. It was an ugly fallout from friends to roommates to strangers. (Sign #3) I didn’t tell Dylan this. Instead I complimented the name and changed the subject.
This whole time he was driving two towns over for our date (40 min drive). This town is where I actually worked but is also where my ex lived… I asked him where we were going; he responded with a name of my favorite chinese Buffet since he knew I liked chinese food. I was excited at first but then I remembered. My ex and I went there almost every weekend when I would stay nights with him. So many memories came rushing back of us laughing in the booths and getting our grub on. I still kept up the conversation but deep down I was questioning if I was actually ready to move on. (Sign #4)
When we pulled up he decided to park in the very back. So it was a walk to the front. I was a little disappointed since there were closer spots. Like I mentioned earlier knee cap issues. Nonetheless, I sucked it up and we made our way to the door. He saw I was stretching my back as we walked and thought it be a good idea to do the same. In an attempt to pop his back, this dude started twisting his arms/torso super fast, resulting in him accidentally clipping my head. (Sign #5)
He apologized immediately asking if I was okay. I laughed it off and told him I was fine even though I could feel the bump already forming, As we entered the restaurant he went up to the booth and YELLED “HOW MUCH FOR TWO.” I stood there embarrassed because everyone looked at us. I dislike being center of attention especially from a crowd. This will come in play later. The hostess stared at him in confusion then proceeded to explain the menu. We then got escorted to our booth which of course was the same booth my ex and I sat in for our first date. (Sign #6)
Once we got the drinks ordered we made our way to the buffet area. I grabbed my plate and immediately made my way to my favorite dish. Coconut shrimp. The way they made it here was a little bit different it had more of a sauce than the shavings and it was delicious. I started to pile it on my plate. I don’t typically eat out often so when I do I make it worth it knowing I’ll pay for it in the gym later.
Dylan walked over to me saying “wow that’s a lot of shrimp.”
Me replying with a big smile, “oh yeah it’s my favorite. Do you want some?”
Him: “No thank you. I’m allergic to shellfish.”
I look at him confused and my mind was racing: ~Isn’t coming to a chinese buffet a bad decision then? Granted he was being thoughtful doesn’t sound very safe~ I then proceeded to ask how bad was his allergy? He stated very deadly. I look back at my plate making note of everything in that restaurant that was considered shellfish. I knew if I wanted some action I couldn’t have shellfish on my lips. (I don’t know fully how it works) Even if we didn’t go there I didn’t want to accidentally touch him with shellfish residue. So I sadly scooped out the shrimp, put the plate in the dirty bin, and got a new one. I only got non shellfish items on my new plate and missed out on my favorite shrimp. (sign #7)
When we finally sat down to eat, conversation was going fine at first. I did notice that he had a habit of talking very loudly where I kept my voice consistently mellow/low for the restaurant setting. As we talked family’s of 5-6 were being seated around us with kids ranging 5-13. I usually curse like a sailor but with the kids around I tried to hold it back since I dislike public scenes. I let one slip then apologized stating the sailor comment. He said it was fine and he curses a lot too sometimes. Then he started very loudly saying every curse word in the book. I look over at the families and they were all staring at us. The parents with annoyed looks. I put my head down laughing it off then got back to eating. (Sign #8)
We finished our meal, got the ticket; then made our way to pay. As we were walking up to the front counter he moaned “my back” and started to do the arm/torso twist. I immediately stepped back. Unfortunately a waitress was walking by with drinks and she had to duck out of the way to ensure he didn’t smack the tray. Even with her daring escape two drinks did spill. She glared at us as I walked behind him and mouth sorry to her. (Sign #5 repeated)
At this point I decided dating probably wasn’t the best choice for me. However I was still considering doing the deed with him. As shallow as it sounds I’m 6ft he was 6’3”. This is rare for me to find taller guys. I don’t discriminate against short kings. I’m currently dating a short king myself. But as a tall girl sometimes it’s nice to not always being the tall one. Especially back then I never been with a tall guy. So we pay, hop in his car and I ask what’s next?
He told me he bought us a scary movie for us to watch at his apartment since I liked scary movies. Typically I wouldn’t have went but it fell in line with the end goal. His apartment was about 10 minutes away. When we arrived I was amazed how nice the apartment was. Like high quality designer apartment. Ten times nicer than mine; It had a warm cozy vibe. There was so much decoration to look at it even had a beaded curtain going to the laundry room to create a door. Complete 180 from his car. I told him I loved his apartment he responded “thanks my brother decorated it.” Then proceeded to point to where his brother’s room was. Ah was all I could say. Then he escorted me to his room which was straight ahead from the entry door. His room was nothing like the well decorated apartment. It was clutter with large furniture (shelf, bed, full size couch across the room from the bed, big dresser with tv on it) this made the room feel smaller and didn’t help it was little messy with clothes and trash. (Sign #9) this was a sign to me because of past experiences with my mother. She was a hoarder and we also had messy homes growing up so cluttered spaces aren’t ideal.
We sit down on the couch; him to my left and get the movie started. The movie was the Nun which I already seen but didn’t say anything due to not expecting to watch it anyways. He puts his now shoeless feet on the bed across from us to lay back. When he does this I notice his socks were the white and grey socks with a hole in each big toe. I dislike feet but the main problem was the fact my ex step dad use to have socks like that all the time with the holes In them. My step dad was very mean to my family so seeing those socks just made me frown. I hate the look of them and where they take me back too. (Sign #10)
I remind myself that he is cute and tall refocused on the tv. He had his arm around me as I lean into the couch/him. I waited for him to make a move but he never did. We made through the ENTIRE movie without a single move. I thought to myself maybe he was just being respectful to not interrupt it. He asked if I wanted to watch another. I told him yes thinking this one is the one stuff will go down. NOPE. I pushed up my chest giving him a view and even had my hand on his leg close to the goods. Still made it through the whole movie without anything happening. After the second movie he asked if I want to watch another. I responded with a sure thinking I’ll just make the move. 15 mins into the movie I sparked up conversation then kissed him. The kiss was interesting… I had my mouth closed only doing lips. This dude was kind of eating my lips with how wide he was opening his mouth. As we pull back I notice he is smiling ear to ear. I asked what? He then told me “I never done that before.” At this point all the puzzle pieces started falling into place. I was thinking of what to do next because I didn’t want to be this guys first time especially since I knew I wasn’t going to date him. Nor did I want to lead him on. (Sign #11)
So as we made conversation I texted my sister to call me that she locked herself out of the apartment and needed me to come home. Ten minutes later she called with her story of locking her keys in my car and the spare is in the locked apartment. I had the phone turned up so he could hear; he then asked if we needed to go and we did.
What sucked is we had a 40 minute drive all the way back to my apartment (this is why you drive your own vehicles!!!). I was already anxious in the car; however what made the drive hell was the playlist he choose. He was playing the Mary poppins musical playlist from the musical that just came out. What he also didn’t know about me is I dislike musicals. The only one I can stand is Rock of Ages with Tom Cruise. So the whole way back I just sitting there as this guy was jamming to musical music. (Sign #12)
By the time we get to my apartment I’m starting to get a headache from his high pitched singing. He turned off the radio looked at me, then immediately went to kiss me or should I say eat my mouth 😅 I leaned back and asked him to stop doing the mouth motion his was doing. He did and I told him that was better. I thanked him for the evening got out and waved him off.
I talked to him for a couple days after that unsure how to break it off. Then eventually told him I didn’t think I was over my ex and wasn’t ready for anything serious. He understood then we went separate ways.
After going through that date I concluded dating was overrated. I still kept the apps however for my ho phase I had. I know people look down on that type of stuff but during that time I was actually living. Going to parties and having adventures. It healed me in its own way. Then the next year after I met my now boyfriend and we have been together since.
Also to clarify I know some of the things I judge Dylan on were maybe harsh. The recent heartbreak didn’t help, Unfortunately for Dylan he just kept bringing back to places I didn’t want to be. I do hope he is doing well. The ‘signs’ I knowledge were not just on him. I was not emotionally mature back then and did have some stuff to work on. The signs I just took as messages from the universe that pairing wasn’t it 😅. I also hope you enjoyed the story. Would love outside input/thoughts on this interesting date.

(I am a 19 year old biological male writing this. This is a throwaway. Mods pls don't take down cause my account is new. The grammar in this "essay" kind of sucks since ChatGPT thought it was too explicit to fix. If you have OCD this might be distressing to read, might not be. I might just be insane. Also a repost since previous post did not format correctly.)
For my entire life, I have struggled. AGP, OCD, depression, sickness, etc. I am a tired, burnt out person desperate for relief.
I have turned to drugs in my past to cope, taking large amounts of Benadryl, stealing alcohol, making my own alcohol, snorting Wellbutrin, taking prescription medication from my Mother and Father, growing my own poppies for the opium. Recreational drugs, of course, do not help OCD, they serve as a temporary relief which will only make one worse in the end. It is hell to be addicted, and more hellish to escape.
My entire life I have struggled with loneliness. I am an only child (sort of… we will get to that later) with two aging parents who live in a forest preserve. I have only ever made “school friends” from the small schools near me. We talk at school, then never see each other outside of it. On the very rare occasion I did see someone from outside of school, I would feel great embarrassment. I don’t know why. I have made a few online friends, but those come and go. People online can never truly care about you the same way someone in-person can. Of course I am not the only one who struggles with this. Loneliness grows every year. Not enough of us know the simple fact that an online friend can never replace an in-person friend. There is just something about laughing with the person, reading their expressions, hearing their changes in voice. It’s just something that you can’t do online. As we grow more connected, we grow more apart.
One of my very first memories was one of OCD. I was in the car with my baby sister (again, will get into that later) and kept on pulling at my finger’s loose skin, but then a thought appeared in my mind, “If i don’t do the same with my fingernail, it will fall off”. This is my earliest memory of OCD, and for many years it did not progress past this. But nothing in life will stay constant. When I was a young teen going to bed, a thought entered my mind which would not leave it for 6 months, “Did i really turn off the sink?”. So, I checked. And I checked again, and again. It only got worse, it lead to me checking computers to be off, desks to be clean, sinks to be empty and off, toilets to be flushed, stoves to be turned off, doors to be locked, windows to be locked and closed, ovens to be off, fridges to be closed, freezers to be closed. To say it was hell would be an understatement. It was like my own walking nightmare. I did not have a good rest for months. I was always anxious, always worrying. It progressed from simply checking a few times to taking photos and then videos. My phone was always full of these useless videos that I needed to clear every single hour to make room for more useless videos. Until, one incredible day. It all disappeared. Of course not all, but the checking, it was gone. It was like I could fly. What little remained became more manageable. I drink a 32 oz bottle of water every night before I sleep. I make sure I have two pillows beside me at all times. I make sure my room is clean and dark. I was at peace like this for a few years, until my OCD came back in full force, but that is for after my AGP.
AGP, also known as autogynephillia, is my sexuality. There is no other way I could see myself or others in a sexual manner. I am wholeheartedly attracted to myself as a woman. In nearly every way. Remember that early OCD memory I referenced? My second earliest memory is one of autogynephilia. It was a crossdressing video on youtube. A man was “forced” to wear a bra stuffed with socks by two women. A T-Shirt was then put on him, followed by a medal pinned to his chest about being a cheerleader. When I saw this video I was deeply confused, but interested. Of course puberty had not started yet, so I could only stare at the screen in obsession wanting more. It felt taboo, and it felt good. It was a rush, like my very first drug. I watched quite a few other feminization videos after that, and loved them all. I soon learned people often called it MtF content, also known as “Male to Female” content.
So, on Mother’s day of some forgotten year, I searched up “Male to Female” on youtube, and read through the suggested results. MtF Animations, which I had already seen, MtF transgender, which was too complicated for my child brain, and finally I saw it, “Male to Female Hypnosis”. I wasn’t too sure what I was thinking, probably just thought I would see a crossdressing video with a more “magical” take. So I scrolled through, “MtF Hypnosis: EXTREMELY POWERFUL”, “MtF Hypno: PERMANENT AND IRREVERSIBLE, BE WARNED”, “MtF Hypnosis Full Body Change”, but then I saw it. I don’t remember its name, and I doubt it still exists, but I clicked on it around 8 AM in the morning and watched eight seconds. I clicked off, paused, and began to cry. I had no idea what I had done. I was convinced I was going to be turned into an adult woman the next day, and I cried. I’m not too sure what the crying was from. I think it was that I couldn’t hide the changes, not that I didn’t want them, although that could simply be modern transgender me coping. I spent the whole day with my mother, then went to bed. It sounds crazy, but I wish for any reader to listen to me. I felt myself changing at night. I turned to my side and the fat between my hips and ribs rippled. My heart beat was through the roof. I felt… like a woman. It scared me. I could not hide this. Now, for a more scientific approach, it was probably not the hypnosis which caused this. Our mind is extremely powerful and can change us if we believe in something incredibly hard. The placebo would not exist if this wasn’t true. It’s even a commonly accepted thing that the mind of a child is more powerful than an adult’s, for their imagination is at its peak activeness. Of course, our mind is still trapped by reality, so the only change I had was wider, more feminine hips, a slimmer waist. and a more feminine lower body in general. You could just laugh at this idea, but it’s what happened to me, and I will not argue about it. If someone is reading this and has any questions, feel free to message me, but this is what happened to me.
I was a child sexually abused. Maybe not by another living person, but this is how I see it. I was thrown into anxiety over sex at such a young age. Before I was ten I was already thinking to myself “I will kill myself before I get to 7th grade” just because that was the year students began to change for gym, and I wanted nobody to see my girlish body (I really hate typing that out, but that’s the only way to describe my body). Sexually abused children develop differently from their peers, many become awkward, many a form of asexual, many simply kill themselves before adulthood, and many become abusers themselves. To cope, I became a deeply transphobic, edgy and awkward individual. I was deeply transphobic for my entire middle school and high school years. I misgendered FtMs on purpose in my school and made fun of MtFs online. I thought they were all sick fetishists, who couldn’t resist it like I did with my AGP. All the friends in real life I have today are from that phase. They are bigots, racists and even Nazis. Of course even these people were “school friends”, but they have reached out to me recently, and I rejected them. Now, I have very few real life friends, and this troubles me deeply.
At the end of my senior year of high school I fell very ill. It was a mix of pneumonia, thyroid disease and asthma all kicking my ass. For those weeks spent in bed I had nothing but my thoughts, and I explored my mind deeply. I finally stopped stressing over that one mother’s day and how I could have changed it, I finally stopped making fun of transgender people in real life and online. I explored my AGP (cough masturbating to tg captions cough) and came to terms with my sexuality. But OCD always needs something to feed off of, to obsess over, and this new thing would be my newly discovered sexuality.
I have this one terrible thought which I will never tell anyone in real life. I’m really not an only child, I had a baby sister. I don’t remember much about her, in fact I only remember two things: That first OCD memory with her next to me on the way home from the hospital, and my mom crying over her body when she died. My parents both became extremely depressed, and when I say extremely, I mean extremely. I’m pretty sure my mom did not leave her room for months, and my dad was always quiet. He sat on the couch and stared at the blank TV for hours. As a young child who desperately needed social attention, this was jarring, to say the least. The words I said to my mother when I saw my dead sister were “Don’t worry, you will do better next time”. Those words haunt me, because I have this thought, what if I AM the next time? What if, subconsciously, my brain decided I should be a woman? Maybe it just turned a crossdressing fetish into a sexuality, one where I could be the daughter my mom lost. This is a depressing thought, one where I lack any independence. A lot of transgender people say they knew since they were kids, but before my sister’s death, I had no idea. I was a stereotypical masculine child. It scares me to think my dysphoria could be caused by a sibling I, quite frankly, was too young to love, or even know.
So, here I sit today, writing this. That thought never leaves my mind. It has always been there and will always be there. I have gender dysphoria, I hate having a flat chest and a masculine face. I hate having testicles. I don’t want to chop off my dick quite yet, but that day still may come.
So, my OCD continues to grow, and I feel more depressed every day. I have constant images flashing in my mind of me blowing my brains out with a rifle. Constant thoughts that if I’m not clean maggots will burrow into my skin. Constant thoughts of dysphoria. My mind feels like a prison at times. Now, this is all really sappy, edgy, cringey stuff in this document, but I promise you it’s all real. I have no reason to lie to internet strangers, and my OCD cares much less about a typed document than you hearing my voice. So, this is it. I typed this out after having a panic attack today. It certainly helped me calm down. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any comments you may leave below.

TL;DR. Amazing girlfirend, long distance, broke up with me to make me fast track divorce. We were getting back together, and I caught her hiding an apparent booty call friend from me.
I am at the tail end of a messy divorce after 15 years with (B). Toxic covert narcissism, and infidelity. When papers were filed and my ex started dating, I started talking to an old friend (G) wand we quickly connected. When my ex found out I was talking to (G) she went crazy and accused me of DV and has been fighting to take the kids and house ever since. the divorce is going on two years now.
Things with G were amazing, such an amazing connection. We were many hours apart and I would visit her every other weekend. We were making plans for the future and talking about marriage.
Apparently, due to my divorce dragging out, G became impatient and rather than talk to me about the problems she was having, she decided to break up with me, thinking it would push me to somehow speed things up. She didn't know that I am at the mercy of the court system here and have been doing everything humanly possible to get through the divorce. I was distraught and didn't know really what was going on behind the breakup.
Only a month after the breakup we started talking again and I began visiting again. Things got more and more serious and I asked G to tell me if there were others. I didn't want to be the other man without knowing. If things needed to be casual because of the distance, I could accept that. On several occasions she promised she would tell me, and that she wasn't like that.
FFW a few months, we are on the cusp of making it official again. G is sleeping and I am watching a movie on her apple TV. a Facetime Call Notification pops up from a guy I had asked about and she had previously laughed it off.
I looked into her phone and low and behold I found lots of texts. funny dirty memes I was sending her, she would send him, naughty photos she would send to me, she was also sending him...
I was livid and woke her. I told her that I know about the guy. she apologised and I said you lied to me.
The next morning I removed a bracelet that I had given her and left.
Over the last week or so, we have been talking, on one occasion we really opened up with each other and she vowed to win me back. saying I am perfect for her and that she needs me every day. That it was a huge mistake and that she had lost respect for herself.
While it is against my code, I decided to not ghost her and give her a chance to earn my trust back.
I wrote a nice letter to her and told her about being willing to try but it would take work from both of us.
since the letter she has sort of gone neutral. she has some crazy stuff going on in her life and is the type to compartmentalize things, so I understood when she asked that we put this on hold until she resolves her other issues in some days. really some bad stuff with family, so there is no doubt it took priority.
Inversly, I am a big communicator, and Im now loosing my mind a bit because of it. I made the choice to give her a chance and now it seems like she isn't interested. It could just be contrast between the both of our communication types. She is definitely the avoidant type.
She also has a a lot of childhood and adult trauma. Living alone in a house for many years, avoidant parents. abusive exs. the whole shebang.
When we have been talking I told her that I would record my thoughts and give them to her. Whether we get back together or not, I see it as good insight and closure on things for both her and I.
Here is the letter.
Am I a hopeless fool, reddit?
G,
This is not necessarily how I feel when you finally receive this. These are simply the thoughts that have come to me since I left your house.
I know sending notes is not the best way to communicate, but I have been cataloging my thoughts and trying to understand my feelings and yours. Getting good communication between us is also tough, so I am writing things here and will send them to you. I was hoping to talk about these things. It may seem silly, but I want things to work between us, and this closure could help both of us.
I am wired to communicate about important things, so please understand that I need to convey my thoughts and concerns to you at least.
When we argued the other night, and things got heated and aggressive, I felt treated like I asking to know every detail of what had happened with another man when I was promised several times that I was the only one. I was really hurt because it was not my intention or desire. It seems to be a conclusion made on your own or with someone’s advice. You could have talked to me about it. Instead, things went straight into saying that I wanted every little detail and that “that’s never going to happen.” That was an extreme conclusion, and I didn’t appreciate being attacked.
I want to see if we can be a couple someday, and not communicating is a big red flag for me and a problem. When we talked and started to work through things, there seemed to be value in us getting back together and committing to each other at some point. You told me so much about yourself, and we learned a lot about each other. You told me you wanted us back the way we were before you broke up with me. You told me that it was all a mistake and that we could truly commit to each other and be happy together. After our argument the other night, I’m unsure if that is the case anymore. I want to trust you, but it would take both of us working together. I understand that there are some issues with things in my past, and I’m happy to tell you whatever you want to know if you feel you can listen and try to understand, should you wish.
I have to proceed with caution now. I want us to trust each other, and I will. The alternative is that we both walk away. I love you and have hope, but my hope is fading with each of these bad interactions and the hot and cold treatment I have been feeling. I would like to know if you only needed to get me to a place where you still have access to me. We can only heal as a team, and I want us to heal. It won’t work if it’s your team vs. my team.
Given our distance and time apart, please understand that your word is the only thing I can rely on. I am troubled now and hypersensitive to everything said and done between us.
It bothers me to recall the times when I was told that it never mattered how late you stayed out or how messed up you got; you would never put yourself in a situation where I needed to worry about you. But that’s precisely what I was told is what happened. And then it continued, while I was coming around again, and being encouraged to come around again. The choice was made to hide it and lie to me, making me feel very disrespected. It made me feel like a fool, betrayed, and horrible inside. It made me question our heartfelt interactions before and after the breakup. I believe that nothing happened before the breakup, but after, the fact that there was that disrespect for me and our connection, our love, that I could be lied to like that and continued to be lied to on such a sensitive subject for me (and for you too if roles were reversed), has made me question everything between us, and the future we were planning.
I was thinking about our conversation recently, and something still bothers me. I asked why you hadn’t blocked that guy. I know we aren’t together currently, so there is that. I was told that you have a few friends that you have been with who are still connected in some way. I get that. So do I. However, I realized that this one person was the only one who was a direct participant in a situation that had real potential to destroy any hope of a future for us. If the roles were reversed, I can assure you that I definitely would sever contact. Are some photos and likes more important than our confidence in each other? It troubles me that his advances are just being ignored. If that is even the case. From all I can gather, it’s possible that nothing has changed, and it could still be happening. And we are still talking about a potential future together, even now. It troubles me that he is so close to town as well. I promised to trust you, but I believe this would be expected from me if things were flipped. I have already done everything possible to sever all contact with the one person who ever jeopardized our relationship in the past. There was so much anger, and horrible things were said when things got heated between us. Was that argument used to hurt me and lie again that night? Did things get heated between us because something happened again? Did something happen because we got angry with each other? In the middle of our argument, you asked me, “You want details?” Was I about to be told that something happened again, just to hurt me in that moment? What will happen when you see him in the bar? What will happen when we argue in the future?
Some of our recent interactions and how I have observed things going on make me wonder if the connection with him is still there in case things don’t work out with me. I wonder if anything has changed at all since I realized what was happening. The distance and time apart physically was something I was working to overcome before because I had no doubts about our future, but now it has made me very insecure about us.
I don’t like feeling like I am another option, and I don’t like feeling like someone else is an option.
These things mess my head up, mainly when we don’t communicate. I don’t want to control you and wouldn’t try. From a man’s perspective on women, that man is being kept as an option. I am being kept as an option.
It seems that commitment between us may not be possible until every day is available. Did you not believe that every day would come? This situation has put the idea of every day in extreme jeopardy for me.
I realized that maybe the need for frequent touch was strong enough that every two weeks wasn’t enough with me while we were together. I was focused on love, caring, and constant contact. I got caught up in trying to show love to fill the time in between, but I didn’t consider touch because I had the same need and could wait, whether we were together or not. If that is true, it doesn’t justify leading me on and lying. It could have been explained to me, and I would have likely still visited occasionally, knowing the situation. Was it all just booty calls? With him? With me? It wasn’t for me because I was convinced I was on the path to us getting back together. And I believed everything I was told.
You told me that, at that time, after we broke up, you lost all respect for yourself. What I have learned about your past makes me wonder if you never felt like someone truly loved you. Someone truly does love you, and with that, your words and actions hold great power over me.
This situation put me exactly where I was in my past in an extremely similar way. I promised never to allow myself to feel this way or be subjected to this sort of thing again. It surprises me in a good way that I am talking to you and even more so that I am working to find a path for us to be together. I promise this is in no way meant to make you feel guilty. It’s just that this has rocked my reality in a way.
Whatever comes out of this, I promise never to try to hold anything over your head in any way. All I am searching for is understanding between us. Please try to see the value in that. Please see the value in how that can build us up or at least give each of us some understanding.
My communication style may be incompatible with yours. I’m trying to determine whether we have a means and desire to heal.
I would like to know if this is a fool’s errand. I will not be happy to lose you, but at least I will have some closure. If it simply needs to be done and over, then tell me. I have to accept that possibility if that is how you feel.
I want to grow together and not apart, despite these challenges.
Here is what I said, followed by the thoughts that still keep me up at night. I may never get clarity on some or all of my thoughts. But at least you will know what has been running through my head.
“I need to be able to trust you. To KNOW you would not lie to me. If we are to ever really be together in a relationship, I need a similar level of commitment that I give. That would never mean control of you. Would never mean you couldn't be yourself or have your fun, or be free. That kind of disrespect and clear betrayal that you showed, is not something I will ever tolerate. If you ever do something even close to that, to me again, whether together or not, I will be gone and gone forever. These things. If you want a real relationship with me, are my
boundaries. Is this worth it to you? I will be keyed up on red flags, and expect communication. If we were together and still have the distance, would you be able to work together and collaborate? Find ways to make it as good and fulfilling as possible in spite of the challenges? Is commitment worth it to you? Because of what has happened, I would expect some complete truths to be told, hard truths.
I deserve that. I do want you and I do want a path to be together. I spent myself trying. And something in me did break recently. Would you be prepared to tell the real truth and help mend?
This is all very serious for me.”
And here is the other one.
“I need to have a talk with you when you are ready. I don't know where it will go.
I've been doing a lot of thinking. If I'm going to even consider being your friend or more, we need to talk about some things. I need you to be honest, and if I sense that you are lying it won't go well. So just give me the truth. I deserve that. I promise not to be rude or mean. I currently don't really have anything to lose. I understand if you can't call me. If you can't, then tell me.
I have to understand one way or another. We both do. I'm hoping there is a path for some healing between us.
I can tell you I wouldn't do this for anyone else ever. You still mean a lot to me, but I can't move forward in any way with you without this.
I still love you and want to figure it out, if you do. If not, or if it's too hard for you, I get it.”

1. Is he married?
   
2. Did you fall in love with him?
   
3. Did he know I was coming to spend time with you?
   
4. What do you want out of this with me?
   
5. Do you love me?
   
6. Do you want to commit to each other at some point?
   
7. Was something going on with him before we started talking in 2022?
   
8. Was it just FWB or more?
   
9. How did you rationalize lying to me?
   
10. Are you still talking to him?
    
11. Did you have a relationship with him?
    
12. Were you planning on breaking it off with him if we got back together?
    
13. Did you keep us both as options?
    
14. Some weeks before you broke up with me, you started going silent and got mad at me for asking. What was that about?
    
15. How do you suggest that we rebuild trust? I am having a tough time.
    
16. Is the distance worth it to you?
    
17. Will your trauma hurt me again if I let it?
    
18. Is every two weeks worth it for you?
    
19. Did the people at the bar know?
    
20. Did you break it off with him?
    
21. Can you tell me that nothing happened while we were together?
    
22. Can you promise me nothing could happen if we get back together?
    
23. Is it possible that we were not meant to be after all?
    

Been married to her for 19 years I’m 41m and she’s 38f had a really good relationship not a lot of issues She had an eptopic pregnancy back in February wouldnt go to the hospital no matter how much I begged sat in our bathtub for 3 weeks for hours at a time. She has a tubal ligation
The last week she was dealing with it she got laid off her job of 8 years (she worked remotely for a tech company) she got a 3 month severance package.
My stepdaughter her daughter that I raised as my own got put in a psych ward for stalking her b/f she’s 19 and is living with my in-laws she was supposed to go there to go to college
So about mid March I came home from work and she told me she finally had passed the eptopic I was like thank god that evening she had a really bad attitude towards me which I thought was odd like I said we had a pretty good relationship
Got ready for bed and she kept making remarks like she was trying to pick a fight she finally triggered me enough to start arguing with her and she exploded on me just going off about all kinds of things I’ve never heard her go off about and then she said she didn’t love me and wanted a divorce
My natural reaction was upset crying begging asking what the hell was going on ???
So I took a whole week off work to try to work things out with her and we made progress some days and some days she was a whole different person
One day we went out and ate and done some diff things and at like 1:00 she said she wanted to go home and go to bed so we went home I couldn’t sleep like that so I got up after an hour or so she calls my cell phone 30 mins later hollering I need you I ran back in the room and she said she has food poisoning and wanted me to lay in the bed and hold her so I did that for about 3 hours my left shoulder is bad so I had to roll over rest it every few mins soon as I would roll over she would push back and grunt for me to come back so I would I had to get up to make a phone call after 3 hours and I had to wake her up to get my arm back and she shot up like the undertaker and accused me of groping her and feeling her up in her sleep which absolutely shocked me I got angry and told her that not even remotely fair and she needs to give me way more credit Than that. I made my call and tried to talk to her but she was like I get it my bad and didn’t wanna discuss it anymore
Almost a week into it I was talking to her about something and she goes into a seizure it seems like I started panicking trying to get her to respond and she wouldn’t I said ok I’m bringing you to the hospital and she snapped out of it and said no hospital and went back into seizure mode I laid her in our bed and kept trying to talk to her and 30 mins or so goes by and she starts talking like a baby saying “brain no work” can’t her out dis ear” and pointing at her left ear 3 hours go by and she randomly snapped out of it and wants to watch tv.
The next day I said I’m gonna stay here with you and make sure you don’t have another seizure and she said “I think I’d like that”
About midday she got really bitchy and was complaining I was smothering her and to leave her alone I literally brought her food and sat on the foot of the bed while she ate.
The rest of that week was up and down and I came home on a Thursday to find her crying in the bed she said Buddha and Anubis came to her today and told her she was on borrowed time and she needed to make arrangements for the afterlife I tried to get some kind of logic out of her and talk to her and it was like talking to a wall. She said I just wanna cook dinner eat and watch tv together and I said ok and for that night she was my normal wife again the woman I married 19 years ago Went to work the next day kinda nervous she was gonna hurt herself trying to prove this Buddha and Anubis stuff I tried to text her as much as I could thru the day at work trying to make her laugh and smile so maybe I could keep her happy She was good with it till around noonish and she flipped and went into straight demon mode saying some really hateful things stuff she’s never said to me since I’ve known her I kept trying be funny and avoiding the negative I got home and I walked thru the door and she was in our bed and I could tell by the look in her eyes she was someone else. She said everything last night was fake forced and I don’t love you and I want a divorce.
I went outside to clear my head I came back and told her I loved her I didn’t want a divorce and that I would do whatever I could to make this work and she had a look of shock on her face like she wanted me to get angry or something and she said so what your saying is that I’m selfish ? I said no and repeated myself
She said I need space I said ok I’ll sleep in our rv tonight
I couldn’t sleep that night I started researching that eptopic cause I knew nothing about them found out some really shocking things about how serious they were with internal bleeding etc. I went in the house woke her up and told her she was going to the hospital non negotiable Got to the hospital and she said let me speak for myself at the desk I said ok she got to the desk and told them what was going on the nurse said are you bleeding or having pain ? And she said no he made me come and pointed at me and I’m standing there like a jackass. They put us in a room to wait for the doctor and she starts shaking her arms by her chest like she’s having a seizure I said are you ok? And she was like these machines and beeping it’s triggering my trauma and my autism I said it’s never done that before and she said I hid it cause I didn’t wanna be judged but I’m not hiding my autism anymore and I’m like you’ve never been diagonised autistic Doctor comes in and said she’s not pregnant but she needs to go to an ob ASAP and get checked because it’s very dangerous as he was discharging us she looked at me and said I ain’t goin to no ob
We were walking back to the truck and she starts cursing me out and was like I predicated this months ago the dead ppl and spirits that talk to me showed me this timeline months ago I finally was at my limit I snapped I said if you predicated this why didn’t you say this months ago ???? I said you know what I’m gonna go jump in traffic because that makes more sense than anything you’ve said the past week and she starts crying and freaking out which made me feel terrible so I calmed myself down
We fought and argued the whole way home I begged her to see a Counsler or something my work offers free Counseling for us and our families so she said she would call one
It was a sat and my daughter asked to go to her friends house after we woke up and I was like yep I gotta get away from here
I told my daughter she’s 16 in the truck I was worried about her mom and she was acting weird and she didn’t even let me finish and she was like dad I know she’s crazy she’s saying weird stuff and being mean and sleeping all the time I was like well at least I’m not the only one seeing it.
My daughter decided she was gonna stay at her friends overnight so I avoided coming home the whole day I came home grabbed my pillow and went back to the rv
About 6 in the morning my daughter texted me asking for me to come get her so I got her she had walked a mile from these ppls house and I was in a panic I asked what happened ? And she said the girls parents left them alone most of the night and they started drinking and and smoking weed and she is not supposed to do that and she wanted to get away from it and come home I said well at least I raised you right.
I came home and told my wife what happened and I said if something like that affected her that negative could you imagine what a divorce would do? And she was like she will be fine she’s strong. Made me really disgusted at her the way she acted
The wife said I’m going to the store I said ok she was gone for a few hours and came back and said she wanted to go talk I said ok
She said she got a counseling call lined up for the next day on Monday and she went to the Buddhist temple to pray and buddha came to her and told her she is to talk to her counselor tomorrow and make a decision by wed if she was staying or leaving and she needs to be more selfish.
I said what’s your plan for leaving ? You going to your parents ? And she said hell no I’ll never go to that toxic ass place and be around them especially my dad cause he molested me when I was a kid She said I’m gonna get a place and I said how ? No job. No vehicle and no money ? She said I got friends from school I said what friends ? I’ve never met them and she refuses to make any friends and the ones she gets she finds ways to ghost them she said it was from before I met you I said so your going to show up at someone’s house you haven’t spoken with for 20 years with no vehicle , no job , and no money talking about Buddha told you to leave your husband ? She’s like I’ll figure it out so that night I got a recording of her talking about Buddha and ghosts and doctors can’t help her and it’s gods will and all that
I tried to go to work the next morning and had a panic attack in the office I played the recording for my boss and said I don’t know what to do here they got the counseling ppl on the phone and they wanted to send a crisis unit to the house I said wait she’s talking to your counselors today can you get a message to her that she’s showing this behavior and maybe just have her watch for it and make suggestions as needed ? She won’t listen to me but maybe she will listen to her and they said yea I’ll get a message to her now.
I stopped at the local mental hospital and spoke with a doctor and played the recording and told him the story she said she sounded like she was in psychosis and she needs help he said try to get her to come voluntarily I can get a involuntary hold I told him about the phone counseler and he said that’s a good idea don’t go home till you know she’s done I said ok
Well that damn counseler told her I called and tried to get her to say my wife’s was crazy and she needs to change her emergency contact or leave cause I would try to have her committed
So I basically walked into the thunderdome when I got home she’s like I’m going to my parents cursing me and everything else I called 911 but they wouldn’t do anything cause the coroner is who makes the decision on emergency commitments so she left.
She claimed her mom was bipolar I mentioned this to her sister when she came to get her and her sister said that is an lie
My daughter refused to go with her I talked to her after she left and explained why did that and she said yea she’s crazy she said she was divorcing you because a Ghost told her you had affair with a 17 year old girl for 3 years I said well that’s a new one And she said you neglected her while she was having the eptopic and I said I begged her to go the hospital she said I know but she said mom said you should have sat on the floor and held her hand the whole time I said ok
She’s been at her parents the last two months she’s had some Contact with me she’s made up some pretty outlandish stories and said she’s the happiest she’s ever been she says she’s not coming home cause I called 911 on her and I’m not a safe person to be Around and I said so your safer being around the man you claim molested you ? And I’m unsafe because I was scared you would harm yourself ?
She’s basically dropped any parental responsibility she’s had and won’t come see her daughter she tried to use the no vehicle excuse I offered to trade my motorcycle for an suv for her and she said she has to have a “specific kind of car”. (Bmw) And she flipped to I can use my moms car anytime I said well you need to see your daughter and I get I don’t have a vehicle Her severance is about run out she thinks she’s got another month but she don’t realize they take taxes and the amount she’s been getting is after taxes She hasn’t even attempted to find a job she has a podcast that 8 ppl download a week she said she’s gonna make a living on that then it went to Im doing marketing for women in motorsports that failed so she said I’m going to law school for 8 years and I’m gonna be a lawyer for women athletes then she said she is starting a non profit and buying her parents house for 400k Now she’s writing a book and selling merch for her podcast
I finally confronted her about the ghost saying I cheated and she said yea I misinterpreted that vision wrong I’m sorry I said so why did you wanna leave ? And she wouldn’t answer me she said I’m just not coming home one day she wants to talk all day long then the next day she gets mad and says we talk too much and we only need to discuss co parenting as needed but she starts the conversation 90% of the time
I bought her a new computer to play fornite with my daughter online and she’s had it a month and yet to mention it to my daughter I got on her ass about it yesterday and she’s been harassing my daughter to play with her all day and now my daughter is like you had make her play with me I’m really not interested now tbh I love my wife dearly and I want her to get help and come home but I have no clue where to start with this I’m hoping she comes out of psychsis soon and maybe I can help bring her back to reality Her family hates me we are interracial and they’ve disliked me since day one I find it amazing she has hated them for 19 hrs and now they are the greatest ppl on earth

Summary: Your goal, sneak into the vampire ball because hey why not, you’re bored, and talk to as many as you can without being outed as a human. However, one vampire as seen through your clever disguise…
This is the SFW cut of this script, you can find the spicy/NSFW version on my members only Ko-fi.
Check out my other scripts here, and how to support me here! Scriptbin link here.
Terms of Use
This script is opened to be monetized and used, all I ask is that credit is given in your video description and that I am giving an audio myself to listen to the fill if not publicly available. If you choose to fill this script, comment a link to your recording on the reddit post or dm me at . Making small changes to the script and to the gender of the speakelistener is okay. Changing the title is okay- in fact encouraged- I’m just like cinematic titles.
Plain text for speaking.
(tone suggestions)
[SFX and description]
[SCRIPT STARTS HERE]
[SFX: a grand ball, people dancing and talking amongst themselves.]
Oh, why, hello there. Aren’t a pretty little thing. I don’t think I’ve seen you at one of these before, are you freshly turned?
[Short Pause]
Please, even if I had just forgotten you, I can tell you’re new just from the way you’re acting. Swirling the blood around in your glass, shifting your weight from one foot to the other, fidgeting with that necklace. All tell tale signs really, you’re not very good at hiding it.
I do not mean to poke fun, these events are… a lot to deal with, especially for the first time. If it makes you feel any better, I’m not fond of these events either. I usually just come for the free food, and to watch pretty things like you dance around, perhaps dancing with a few myself.
These fancier vampires like to have their meals fresh, so humans walk around.. It is rather entertaining, watching vampires eye up certain bloods, growing jealous when another vampire bites their prey before they can.
[Short Pause]
Oh, my apologies, I don’t believe we have yet been introduced. I am Lord Alexander, but just Alexander is just fine. And you are?
[Short Pause]
What a nice name, but I do wonder how you got in here with no title… maybe an act of courtesy from the hosts- although I very much doubt that. The vampire who turned you must have been very powerful to get in here without one.
[Very Short Pause]
I see, my apologies, it must be a sensitive subject. Not all vampires have a pleasant turning experience, and not all are lucky to simply be born as one. Although I will say I am the latter, I was born to be one, and I shall remain one until the day I die- naturally or unnaturally.
Although, with the amount of hunters and vampire raids on the rise, I fear my fate shall be the latter of the two deaths.
[Short Pause]
Perhaps some of us are as dangerous as those hunters say we are, but most of us are simply.. Existing. We cannot help with our diet, blood is the only thing that gives us sustenance. It would be like asking a human to stop eating, or trying to train a cat not to hunt a bird.
We don’t need to eat human blood, but it gives us the sustenance we need a lot faster. Have you ever tried to drink animals blood? Sure they are easier to acquire, plentiful to drink, but when I tried to switch the pigs blood, it took 5 bags full of blood before I felt I had quenched my thirst just enough to continue with my work. It didn’t fill me up, certainly didn’t taste good.
I’m sure the humans make a valid point of we’re hurting them, but if more were to donate their blood, or in the case of events like these- their bodies, some of us wouldn’t need to starve ourselves until it got too much and we just - well, do as vampires do and hunt down the food we need.
[Short Pause]
I have only killed a human once, maybe twice… the first time I did it, it had been weeks since my last feeding, and I knew I was pushing it, but I couldn’t find a reliable source of blood anywhere. I had another week to wait until my regular supply restocked and I was trying to wait it out until then…
That was until a little human stumbled upon my manor, asking something about being there to interview me, what’s it like to be a born vampire- and from a long line of vampires, part of nobility too. Just questions on a vampire's life, normal nosy human stuff.
So… I let them in. And answered their questions, went along with the charade for a bit… until I couldn't take it anymore when they started asking questions about food.. They kept talking and talking, their neck exposed as they just kept talking about silly human things- I wasn’t truly paying attention to what they were talking about.
Then I pounced on them. Pinned them down. Drank from them until they were nothing but a pale, lifeless corpse. It was quiet the scene, almost romantic.
[Short Pause]
Oh my- I’ve just been talking to you all this time and I am yet to ask you for a dance. Shall we take to the floor, little one?
(chuckles) I am aware you are not, but it simply a term I like to use for those newer vampires… to put them in their place a little, remind them of their place in society and that they are below me, it’s more of a subconscious thing I like to do, especially to the vampires who forget their place and try to use their masters name to force their way into circles they do not belong in. My apologies.
[SFX: Alexander taking the listeners hand, and leading them onto the floor just as another song starts]
Did you know how to dance before you were turned, or after? It is to my understanding that it is not a normal thing for humans to know how to do. With what little time they have on this earth, but it is so… intimate.
[Short Pause]
Perhaps, but being so close to someone, whether they are a stranger or someone you are pining over, it is rather enticing, is it not? Being able to bring them in close, feel their chest rise and fall against yours, being close enough to inhale their perfume…
(leaning closer) Maybe even sneak a kiss, just a gentle one against the back of their neck… everyone else is so absorbed in their own dance to notice what anyone else is doing.
It’s almost tempting… afterall, that dress does show off your neck very nicely, and that-
That is a beautiful necklace you have there, it is a beautiful shade of red, I’ve never seen that kind of necklace before…. Do you mind if I take a closer look? Not here, of course, I fear the other vampires might grow jealous if I start giving you so much attention.
[SFX: walking off together into a quiet room.]
(leaning in close) Indeed… I do not think I have seen such a necklace like this before… this must be where you keep your perfume, to help it remain strong all throughout the night. Although, this scent is all too familiar to me.
(whispering) Do you really think you could fool me, human?
[SFX: slamming listener against the wall]
Tsk tsk, not so fast, little human. I am not done playing with you just yet…
Did you really think you could fool me? I thought that story of killing a human would have made you run off but you are much braver than when I first thought.
[Short Pause]
Please, the moment I entered the room I could sense there was one more human than what I saw. I have to say, the disguise was pretty decent, better than what I’ve seen before.
Whoever did the spell or special effects make up to make your ears look pointy, give you fangs for - I’m guessing just tonight since you’ve been running your teeth along them all evening, clearly not had proper time to adjust to them.
I could read you like a book if I wanted to, watch your squirm, shift your weight from one foot to the other as you so desperately look for a way out, willing to do anything- maybe something drastic, to find a way out- but I’ll save you the embarrassment.
[Short Pause]
Oh you cute little human, I think you know perfectly well what I want. It’s what I’ve been looking for all night long.
(Whispering in ear) Entertainment.
As I mentioned before, these events are so boring, it’s the same old vampires, with the same old tricks and entertainment. You think a lord like me could use money to entertain himself, but money only gets you so far.
And well, I was just about to leave- until I saw you sneaking in. Peering through the window, before opening it just enough to slide in. That dress isn’t the best to move in, I might have saw a little more than what you wanted people to see~ but I won’t deny, that slit does suit you well. Shows off those beautiful legs of yours-
And then you walked to the bar, grabbed a drink, and glared at every, single, vampire that passed you by. You caught yourself before anyone else could notice, but I saw. I watched you from across the room, observed your every move before you even saw me coming.
Swirling that blood around in your glass, pretending to take sips-
[Short Pause]
(chuckles) Oh really? Let me guess. You’re here out of pure boredom, or maybe you’ve read too many of those vampire romances you humans do adore to write, so you’re here for lust instead. But trust me, they are fantasies, and nothing more. Or maybe this was a silly dare from a friend- some friend they are to let you wander in a den of vampires, all alone, without a single weapon- no way to defend yourself if a vampire saw through your disguise…
[Short Pause - before Alexander begins to laugh]
Oh you are simply too cute, little human. You couldn’t fight me off if you tried. I have you here, in this empty hallway, corner up against the wall. If you tried to run- you’d alert other vampires, and well, that door over there only leads to an empty office.
[SFX: listener trying to step away- Alexander grabbing them and pinning them against the wall]
Oh, little human! You really thought you could run away from me? Put up a fight? You know, which just one yell, I could have a dozen vampires surrounding us, ready to pounce on some fresh meat… and judging from how fresh your neck looks, you haven’t been bitten before. Who knows what a dozen, hungry vampires could do to someone as helpless as you.
You look so helpless, pinned up against this walls, your hands held above your head- I still have a hand free, I could roam all over your body… do whatever I like to you… maybe for now, just tilt your face up, so I can get a good look at those gorgeous, red lips of yours.
I bet if I kissed your lips right now I could guess the blood you were drinking earlier… May I?
[Short Pause]
Very well, little human. Let me lean in close… and get a good taste. I am getting awfully thirsty.
[SFX: KISS KISS]
Oh no… this won’t do. I don’t think I can satisfy my hunger by just kissing your lips… I need to taste you, all of you~

Summary: Your goal, sneak into the vampire ball because hey why not, you’re bored, and talk to as many as you can without being outed as a human. However, one vampire as seen through your clever disguise…
This is the SFW cut of this script, you can find the spicy/NSFW version on my members only Ko-fi.
Check out my other scripts here, and how to support me here! Scriptbin link here.
Terms of Use
This script is opened to be monetized and used, all I ask is that credit is given in your video description and that I am giving an audio myself to listen to the fill if not publicly available. If you choose to fill this script, comment a link to your recording on the reddit post or dm me at u/alvaaarscripts. Making small changes to the script and to the gender of the speakelistener is okay. Changing the title is okay- in fact encouraged- I’m just like cinematic titles.
Plain text for speaking.
(tone suggestions)
[SFX and description]
[SCRIPT STARTS HERE]
[SFX: a grand ball, people dancing and talking amongst themselves.]
Oh, why, hello there. Aren’t a pretty little thing. I don’t think I’ve seen you at one of these before, are you freshly turned?
[Short Pause]
Please, even if I had just forgotten you, I can tell you’re new just from the way you’re acting. Swirling the blood around in your glass, shifting your weight from one foot to the other, fidgeting with that necklace. All tell tale signs really, you’re not very good at hiding it.
I do not mean to poke fun, these events are… a lot to deal with, especially for the first time. If it makes you feel any better, I’m not fond of these events either. I usually just come for the free food, and to watch pretty things like you dance around, perhaps dancing with a few myself.
These fancier vampires like to have their meals fresh, so humans walk around.. It is rather entertaining, watching vampires eye up certain bloods, growing jealous when another vampire bites their prey before they can.
[Short Pause]
Oh, my apologies, I don’t believe we have yet been introduced. I am Lord Alexander, but just Alexander is just fine. And you are?
[Short Pause]
What a nice name, but I do wonder how you got in here with no title… maybe an act of courtesy from the hosts- although I very much doubt that. The vampire who turned you must have been very powerful to get in here without one.
[Very Short Pause]
I see, my apologies, it must be a sensitive subject. Not all vampires have a pleasant turning experience, and not all are lucky to simply be born as one. Although I will say I am the latter, I was born to be one, and I shall remain one until the day I die- naturally or unnaturally.
Although, with the amount of hunters and vampire raids on the rise, I fear my fate shall be the latter of the two deaths.
[Short Pause]
Perhaps some of us are as dangerous as those hunters say we are, but most of us are simply.. Existing. We cannot help with our diet, blood is the only thing that gives us sustenance. It would be like asking a human to stop eating, or trying to train a cat not to hunt a bird.
We don’t need to eat human blood, but it gives us the sustenance we need a lot faster. Have you ever tried to drink animals blood? Sure they are easier to acquire, plentiful to drink, but when I tried to switch the pigs blood, it took 5 bags full of blood before I felt I had quenched my thirst just enough to continue with my work. It didn’t fill me up, certainly didn’t taste good.
I’m sure the humans make a valid point of we’re hurting them, but if more were to donate their blood, or in the case of events like these- their bodies, some of us wouldn’t need to starve ourselves until it got too much and we just - well, do as vampires do and hunt down the food we need.
[Short Pause]
I have only killed a human once, maybe twice… the first time I did it, it had been weeks since my last feeding, and I knew I was pushing it, but I couldn’t find a reliable source of blood anywhere. I had another week to wait until my regular supply restocked and I was trying to wait it out until then…
That was until a little human stumbled upon my manor, asking something about being there to interview me, what’s it like to be a born vampire- and from a long line of vampires, part of nobility too. Just questions on a vampire's life, normal nosy human stuff.
So… I let them in. And answered their questions, went along with the charade for a bit… until I couldn't take it anymore when they started asking questions about food.. They kept talking and talking, their neck exposed as they just kept talking about silly human things- I wasn’t truly paying attention to what they were talking about.
Then I pounced on them. Pinned them down. Drank from them until they were nothing but a pale, lifeless corpse. It was quiet the scene, almost romantic.
[Short Pause]
Oh my- I’ve just been talking to you all this time and I am yet to ask you for a dance. Shall we take to the floor, little one?
(chuckles) I am aware you are not, but it simply a term I like to use for those newer vampires… to put them in their place a little, remind them of their place in society and that they are below me, it’s more of a subconscious thing I like to do, especially to the vampires who forget their place and try to use their masters name to force their way into circles they do not belong in. My apologies.
[SFX: Alexander taking the listeners hand, and leading them onto the floor just as another song starts]
Did you know how to dance before you were turned, or after? It is to my understanding that it is not a normal thing for humans to know how to do. With what little time they have on this earth, but it is so… intimate.
[Short Pause]
Perhaps, but being so close to someone, whether they are a stranger or someone you are pining over, it is rather enticing, is it not? Being able to bring them in close, feel their chest rise and fall against yours, being close enough to inhale their perfume…
(leaning closer) Maybe even sneak a kiss, just a gentle one against the back of their neck… everyone else is so absorbed in their own dance to notice what anyone else is doing.
It’s almost tempting… afterall, that dress does show off your neck very nicely, and that-
That is a beautiful necklace you have there, it is a beautiful shade of red, I’ve never seen that kind of necklace before…. Do you mind if I take a closer look? Not here, of course, I fear the other vampires might grow jealous if I start giving you so much attention.
[SFX: walking off together into a quiet room.]
(leaning in close) Indeed… I do not think I have seen such a necklace like this before… this must be where you keep your perfume, to help it remain strong all throughout the night. Although, this scent is all too familiar to me.
(whispering) Do you really think you could fool me, human?
[SFX: slamming listener against the wall]
Tsk tsk, not so fast, little human. I am not done playing with you just yet…
Did you really think you could fool me? I thought that story of killing a human would have made you run off but you are much braver than when I first thought.
[Short Pause]
Please, the moment I entered the room I could sense there was one more human than what I saw. I have to say, the disguise was pretty decent, better than what I’ve seen before.
Whoever did the spell or special effects make up to make your ears look pointy, give you fangs for - I’m guessing just tonight since you’ve been running your teeth along them all evening, clearly not had proper time to adjust to them.
I could read you like a book if I wanted to, watch your squirm, shift your weight from one foot to the other as you so desperately look for a way out, willing to do anything- maybe something drastic, to find a way out- but I’ll save you the embarrassment.
[Short Pause]
Oh you cute little human, I think you know perfectly well what I want. It’s what I’ve been looking for all night long.
(Whispering in ear) Entertainment.
As I mentioned before, these events are so boring, it’s the same old vampires, with the same old tricks and entertainment. You think a lord like me could use money to entertain himself, but money only gets you so far.
And well, I was just about to leave- until I saw you sneaking in. Peering through the window, before opening it just enough to slide in. That dress isn’t the best to move in, I might have saw a little more than what you wanted people to see~ but I won’t deny, that slit does suit you well. Shows off those beautiful legs of yours-
And then you walked to the bar, grabbed a drink, and glared at every, single, vampire that passed you by. You caught yourself before anyone else could notice, but I saw. I watched you from across the room, observed your every move before you even saw me coming.
Swirling that blood around in your glass, pretending to take sips-
[Short Pause]
(chuckles) Oh really? Let me guess. You’re here out of pure boredom, or maybe you’ve read too many of those vampire romances you humans do adore to write, so you’re here for lust instead. But trust me, they are fantasies, and nothing more. Or maybe this was a silly dare from a friend- some friend they are to let you wander in a den of vampires, all alone, without a single weapon- no way to defend yourself if a vampire saw through your disguise…
[Short Pause - before Alexander begins to laugh]
Oh you are simply too cute, little human. You couldn’t fight me off if you tried. I have you here, in this empty hallway, corner up against the wall. If you tried to run- you’d alert other vampires, and well, that door over there only leads to an empty office.
[SFX: listener trying to step away- Alexander grabbing them and pinning them against the wall]
Oh, little human! You really thought you could run away from me? Put up a fight? You know, which just one yell, I could have a dozen vampires surrounding us, ready to pounce on some fresh meat… and judging from how fresh your neck looks, you haven’t been bitten before. Who knows what a dozen, hungry vampires could do to someone as helpless as you.
You look so helpless, pinned up against this walls, your hands held above your head- I still have a hand free, I could roam all over your body… do whatever I like to you… maybe for now, just tilt your face up, so I can get a good look at those gorgeous, red lips of yours.
I bet if I kissed your lips right now I could guess the blood you were drinking earlier… May I?
[Short Pause]
Very well, little human. Let me lean in close… and get a good taste. I am getting awfully thirsty.
[SFX: KISS KISS]
Oh no… this won’t do. I don’t think I can satisfy my hunger by just kissing your lips… I need to taste you, all of you~

Honestly been debating on whether to repost this, but as I recently found out, dating apps suck, and reddit is just straight up better if you want to see what a person is like. I don't know if people just use it to plug their IG now, or if it really is that hard for some to put in some effort on their profiles to show even a tiny bit of personality. But anyway, enough of that random rant, on to the body of the post:
Looking for someone whose interests and personality actually align pretty well with my own. For now, I'm searching for someone who can fill up the moments of silence on the daily. Open to chat and calls, preferably discord.
Not really looking to rush things, even though I'm open to taking things further for the long-term. Hope you don't mind getting to know each other for some time first. Let's leave plans for any meetups for when we figure out if we actually get along and enjoy talking to each other.
You:

• Preferably someone who appreciates and is passionate about art. Film/TV, video games, music, illustration, anime, any media would do, what's important is you're the type to gush and share stuff about what you enjoy. Hopefully we have several stuff in common and our tastes are similar, and you can introduce me to new things that I might like.
• You feel that your hobbies and interests aren't just stuff to distract you from the daily grind, but something that makes the grind worth going through.
• You like convos with substance, and you enjoy arguing your stances on stuff. I like people who actually think about their beliefs, and not just inherit them from their environment and social groups. Though, don't think na puro serious usap lang habol ko lol, we can chat about everyday things, and you can rant to me.
• Someone with a strong-ish or assertive personality, who enjoys banteasaran, without taking things personally. If you think you're slightly bitchy or cunty or a hater (in a playful, non-toxic way please), that's a trait that I enjoy.
• You're the type who can enjoy just staying at home and hanging out and spending quality time with people whose company you appreciate. Ideally you're a little more outgoing than me, so someone can motivate me to go out from time to time.
• Working, educated, hygienic, cleans up well, good-looking, takes care of herself, close to if not normal BMI. We all know the drill.
• Being very eloquent is a big plus.
• If you have vices, I don't judge, as long as you're decently responsible.
• Not very interested in having kids.
• Superficial stuff that aren't required but would be cool:

1. A soothing voice that's on the lower side. Kinda makes me melt, ngl.
2. +/- 4 my age. If not, hopefully we're close in terms of mental/emotional maturity.
3. I'm attracted to any alt-girl type of aesthetic. Conversely, I'm not a huge fan of flowery/demure looks. Not a turn-off though, just a preference. Don't let this stop you from messaging.
4. I really just get along better with nerdy types. Not look-wise, but in personality and interests.
5. If you have a main reddit account, use that to message me. I like stalking people a little to see if we'd click.

Me:

• 5'9, glasses, curls, dimples, on the darker side, but I'm not sure if it's enough to be considered moreno. I'd say 7 to 8/10 on a good day, plus or minus one depending on your preferences. INTP, if that matters. Metro Manila.
• If you open with a pic and/or socials immediately, I will reciprocate if you're my type. No hard feelings also if I'm not yours, feel free to ghost, hope this goes both ways. No need to waste our time, so just do this if you exclusively want something romantic or anything similar.
• Homebody. I can enjoy going out, but I need to recharge afterwards. Really sorry if you're the type to put "loves to travel" in their bio. I also have a hard time being with people who have high energy all the time, my bad.
• Fit but not buff (yet). I go to the gym 3-4 days a week.
• Gaming is my major hobby, and I'm not just a valo/moba/sports only type of person. I appreciate it as a medium of storytelling as well. We'll get along very well if you're the same.
• Music taste is pretty diverse. Link to sample playlist. Also trying to get back into reading, recently bought an e-reader to finally push me into it.
• My sense of humor may be a bit on the edgiedarkecancellable side, but only if we're comfortable and that doesn't reflect my actual values/politics if we're talking seriously.
• Yes, I graduated from a "big 4" uni, since I've heard that people care a lot about that around here.
• Currently juggling work and self-studying for an eventual career shift (into tech).
• I currently don't have a car, and I don't have my own place bec I don't have a need for it since there are only 2 people in my household, including me. If those are dealbreakers for you, sorry.
• I can listen and communicate effectively/honestly, am competent at navigating emotions, and I don't bullshit or give empty praise. I've been told na it's easy to open up to me.
• I'm an open book, I can talk about anything, and no topics are uncomfortable to me. So feel free to ask anything, even personal stuff.
• Only been in one long term relationship. I'm rusty, have close to zero game atm, and the extent of my rizz is just being a decent enough conversationalist and not being cringy or a creep.
• I'm not even a big Haikyu fan, but Kei Tsukishima is probably the closest a fictional character could get to me in terms of personality. If you're familiar with him, you know what to expect from me. I'm more energetic in chats though.
• Honestly, you'll probably get more insight about me by the way I wrote this post. It's long cos I know what kind of person I want, and I hope you're the same.

Feel free to hit me up, even if you feel that the post doesn't necessarily describe you, who knows, we might still get along. It would be nice if you started our conversation with a question, plus points if it's something to argue about haha. Something about shared hobbies/interests would also work. I'm posting this late, so if I reply to you, it's probably gonna be the day(s) after.

I originally wrote this for a friend, but it ended up getting so long that I wanted to share it. Extremely long post ahead. Spoilers for 2077 and for Cyberpunk Edgerunners!
Cyberpunk 2077 is one of the best written open world games I’ve ever played, and perhaps even in history. It’s simply fantastic.
Ig I should start with the setting, Night City itself. Night city is almost its own character with the way that it affects and dictates the fate of the characters in it, and it’s also lowkey the reason why most characters make their really bad decisions, ygm. The City has a sorta disgusting allure, as it’s said to be “the city of dreams” in the 2077 universe, and to its credit, the city has birthed some of the most legendary figures in the cyberpunk world (that we know of). Morgan Blackhand, Rogue, Johnny Silverhand, Robert Weyland and Adam Smasher are the most noteworthy legends that I care to mention, and lo and behold they all come from the imfamous Night City. Despite it’s reputation as the “city of dreams” (lmao) NC is plagued by plenty of gangs, from the cyberpsycho Maelstrom gang to the implant robbing, human trafficking Scavs, to the netrunning Voodoo Boys that try to breach the blackwall (and if they are successful and fuck with a rogue AI literally all of humanity is finished). So basically, NC is home to some baaaad niggas, and the police force really aint that much better. Night City, like most other places in the Cyberpunk world, is home to a decadent crowd of corporations, with the biggest (or at least most relevant) being Arasaka. Don’t get me wrong tho, there are still other corp presences in the city, like Trauma Team, Millitech and Kang Tao (and maaaaaybe Biotechnica but u don’t really see much of them in game). Plus, corpos are arguably worse than the gangs, as they regularly partake in not so legal operations (like Meridith Stout getting fucking murdered if you tell Royce about her bugged money). So yeah, much like real life, corporate pricks are rarely better than the scum on the streets of NC.
Night City is a commentary on “the American dream” and how it’s a fucking lie. The idea of starting from the bottom and working your way to the top and everything being just peachy is, to be completely honest, a fantasy in both NC and in real life. Not one of the legends that you see ingame could be said that they have a better life (if they didn’t fucking die lmao) after they hit legend status. I’ll elaborate more later, but a base theme of Cyberpunk (or at least 2077) is that becoming a legend in Night City is worthless and always comes at an immense cost. Notice how the only truly happy and content characters in the game don’t really chase glory or a legendary status, but rather they’re just happy with their lot. Hell, V literally says those exact words to Viktor when they first leave his clinic. TLDR: NC is NOT a city of dreams.
Our initial group of main characters (V, Jackie and arguably T-Bug) have been completely hooked by the lie of Night City, with all of them dreaming of becoming a Legend. Jackie is the biggest perpetrator of this mindset, as he was the one that influenced V’s desire to become a legend in the first place (This next section will be about Jackie btw).
Jackie, imo, was a bit underutilised in the actual game, but nevertheless he’s an excellent character. He’s an ex valentino merc with a pretty good life by Night City standards. He has a girlfriend who loves him, he has his mum still alive, he has Viktor and he has his best friend V. Pretty decent lot, but not one that lasts long. Jackie’s fatal flaw is, unfortunately, his ambition, as if you remember he’s the one that took Dex’s job and encouraged V to do the same, and as we all know, Jackie ends up dead in a Delamain by the end of act one. Jackie is the embodiment of the “being a legend in NC doesn’t mean shit” theme, as he pretty much sacrificed his life (and V’s life too, although unknowingly) in the pursuit of glory, leaving his loved ones behind to mourn him. Worst part is, in his final act, Jackie slots the Relic into V’s brain, and although it was an act of love for his friend (remember, from Jackie’s perspective, the Relic job would have set V up for life), he unknowingly condemned V to death, pretty much ruining their life. I think that it’s worth mentioning Misty’s tarot readings too (ion believe in that shit but it lowkey works in the themes of the game). I would say Jackie is represented by The Fool card, representing new beginnings, a free spirit and endless enthusiasm, whilst V is represented by The Fool Reversed, that represents risk-taking, uncertainty and the idea of stepping into a situation that you don’t fully understand. That’s probably why you can find The Fool graffiti in front of V’s apartment. This brings me onto Dex and the actual job.
Gonna come out and say it, Dex is a bald bastard, and a far cry from the “fat ass black Jesus of the Afterlife” that Jackie describes him as. We don’t get much information about him, but we can piece together that Dex was a decent fixer until he botched a job somewhere in Pacifica, making very powerful enemies in the process (this could either be the Voodoo Boys, Mr Hands or even Hansen), and forcing him to hide out for two years. The Relic operation was supposed to be his triumphant return, but lowkey I think that he was gonna double cross V and Jackie from the moment they took the job. I mean, what fixer picks up two completely unknown mercs and gets them to rob Arasaka on their first job? Not to mention the lowkey shady shit that he does regarding the pay. A real fixer would already have a buyer ready for the Relic before the job even started, AND if Dex had any intention of actually paying V and Jackie, their cut would have been non-negotiable, have at least a reasonable estimate pay, and not just meaningless fucking percentages. I’m telling you bro, the deal fucking STANK, but V and Jackie were too blinded by Dex’s rep and the promise of glory to notice. Fucking gonks. But I guess they didn’t have the luxury of hindsight like us.
Before I forget, imma quickly mention Evelyn. Yk how earlier I asked you why she even risked her life for the Relic job? If you bring Judy in the Panam ending (SPOILERS IF U CARE) Judy says that after the Relic job, she and Evelyn would’ve left NC with the resulting cash and started a new life together. Unfortunately, Ev, just like V and Jackie, was in waaaaay over her head, as there was no way that she would walk away with both the Voodoo Boys and Arasaka breathing down her neck. Interestingly, Evelyn’s associated tarot card, The Magician, can interpreted as a spirit of resourcefulness in tough situations, as well as knowledge. However, I believe that The Magician Reversed better describes Evelyn as a character, with it representing getting manipulated and poor planning. Don’t have to be Einstein to connect the dots there 😭. Still tho, it was truly awful what happened to her. Fuck Scavs, all my niggas hate Scavs 🗣️🔥🔥🔥.
So that brings us to the end of act one. In summary, V and Jackie were completely fucked the second they took the Konpeki Plaza job, as even in the best case scenario they would end up A. Ghosted by Dex if the job was successful and hunted down by Arasaka, or B. Go with Evelyn and irreparably destroy their reputation as mercs by betraying their fixer AND having both Arasaka and the Voodoo Boys hunt them down. Either way, no matter how V and Jackie played their cards they were cooked regardless.
Anyway, I believe that Act one represents the bubble that most mercs live in in Night City. The idea of pulling off one big job and being swept up from the shit stained streets to the lavish life of riches and clout. What a bunch of horseshit. V and Jackie placed their self worth and their lives on that dream, and unfortunately they chose the wrong dream to bank on. In Night City, everyone seems to know what they want, but nobody knows what they need, which is another pretty big theme in 2077.
Alright time to talk about my favourite part of the game, the characters.
I’ll start with the one I have the least to say about, River. River is a pretty cool dude if you play as Vincent, but lowkey a bit of a creep if you play as Valarie. Ignoring that, I appreciate that he’s just a good guy in the pretty shitty system that is the NCPD. He’s like a foil to Takemura and Reed, because unlike them he doesn’t prioritise neither his position or the good graces of his authorities over doing the right thing. Hell, he’s willing to get suspended from the force for his nephew, AND he stands up to Detective Han when he finds out about the Mayor’s murder. Overall, he’s one of the only characters in a government/ corporate organisation with a fucking spine in the entire game, and he gives me hope that one day the NCPD won’t be such a shithole.
Speaking of corpos, Takemura. I’m pretty sure you already know my thoughts on the guy, so I’ll keep it short. Takemura is a good dude trapped by his ideals, a good dog to a cruel master. He’s loyal to a fault to Arasaka, yada yada yada. His endings are interesting, as he curses V and damns them to hell in every ending except for the Arasaka and Phantom Liberty endings. Although it’s implied that Takemura contemplates suicide (yk, cuz he’s reading samurai death poems) I like to think that he doesn’t kill himself, rather he takes his time to work through his problems and comes out a better man due to V’s influence, maybe even growing a pair of balls and leaving Arasaka. It’s a pretty optimistic interpretation I know, but I don’t think that Takemura would kill himself after any of the endings, especially since in the Phantom Liberty ending he’s still alive after two years, despite him being a fugitive and Hanako being dead (i.e. he has nothing to live for). If he didn’t kill himself then, why would he kill himself in any of the other endings? Or I could be completely wrong and V’s betrayal would have pushed him over the edge, turning him into a soulless Saka soldier. But I don’t think Goro would do that. “BETTER BUCKLE UP!!!” Takemura’s associated tarot card is a bit hard to pin down, cuz he appears around numerous graffiti around the city throughout the game, however I believe the first card we see him with is The Chariot, which represents self control, determination and rising action, however, when reversed, it can also mean self discipline to a fault and a lack of direction. Sounds very Takemura-ish to me.
The Arasaka’s themselves are pretty interesting to me as well, particularly Yorinobu. Saburo and Hanako are the worst kind of corpos, people that stand at the very, very, very top in a world of their own making, yet they choose not to benefit the lives of others that are suffering by their own hand. Often I hear people calling Adam Smasher the most evil character in Cyberpunk, but I personally disagree. Smasher is a horrible, deranged psychopath but he’s not the reason why the 2077 world is so shitty, rather he’s just one of the many, many symptoms of the corporate greed that is perpetuated by corps such as the Arasakas. To be so above everyone and everything and being capable of changing billions of lives for the better, yet choosing not to for no apparent reason other than to maintain your lifestyle of comfort, that is what I would call truly evil.
Whats funny is that the name “Hanako” means “flower child” because that’s what she is to Saburo; an ideal child to him, loyal and willing to preserve his empire. Yorinobu, the most moral (or at least least evil) Arasaka that we know of, is Saburo’s problem child, cuz he rebelled and shit with his gang the Steel Dragons. His name translates to “To depend on” or “to rely upon”, reflecting his nature of a less corrupt Arasaka under his control, which you can see take shape in every ending bar the Arasaka ending. Saburo roughly translates to “third born son”. At first, his name didn’t appear to have any meaning, however I thought about it for a while and I lowkey think I got something out of it. You might remember Mista’s repulsion to the number 4 in Jojo part 5, as in Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number. Similarly, the number 3 is considered a lucky number (not just in Japanese culture, but also ancient Greek and Roman culture), and is, ironically, considered a number of sincerity and understanding. This might be a reach, but I think that Saburo’s name holds significance, as Saburo is everything that his name is not. He is conniving, ruthless, and cold, even to his own family, and his pursuit of immortality through Mikoshi is just the cherry on top. Lowkey, I’m probably thinking waaaay too deep into it, there’s no way the niggas that named the Arasakas thought this hard about it 💀. But idrc that’s part of the fun.
It’s also worth mentioning that Hanako’s associated card is The High Priestess, representing divine femininity and important knowledge when upright, and secrecy and withdrawal when reversed, obviously referring to Hanako’s relationship with V and her concealment of her true intentions to resurrect her father. Speaking of Saburo, his associated card is The Emperor, exhibiting authority and fatherhood when upright, and obsessive control, domination and inflexibility when reversed. It’s a tad bit on the nose if you think about it lmao.
The final Saka scumbag I’ll talk about is the legendary Cyberpsychotic merc, Adam Smasher. Bro needs no introduction. Killed Rebecca and David Martinez, allegedly killed Johnny Silverhand, kills Rogue and Saul in their respective endings, and has been said to have a kill count literally in the thousands. Smasher represents a lot. He’s a cautionary tale of what selling yourself and your ideals to corps can do to a person, as well as what it takes to become a “legend” in Night City. He’s also the result of the worst of Night City and the type of people that the city rewards. In fact, he begs the question “If this is type of person that deserves to be treated as legend, is that status even worth pursuing?” I would would say no, because, comically, Adam Smasher is the best case scenario for becoming a legend in NC. He loves what he does, and he loves the sense power it gives him. He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone around him, nor does he have any current relationships when we see him. In a way, unlike most other NC legends, he is pretty happy and content with his life, at the expense of literally everyone he meets and his own humanity. If you didn’t know already, Smasher was a punk from New York until his body was obliterated by a missile, and Arasaka saved his ass under the condition that he works for them. He accepted, blah blah blah, did a lotta bad things, blah blah blah, I’m sure you knew that already. Like a twisted Takemura, Adam Smasher is like a rabid pitbull being released into a daycare by its owner. How fitting is it that in almost every ending, Smasher gets his brains splattered on the floor by a lone merc, ending his 90 year (rough estimate) life with a fizzle. Put down like a rabid dog. That’s what Adam Smasher deserves to be remembered for.
Anyway, enough about Arasaka goons. Let’s talk about our glorious queen Panam. I actually don’t have a lot to say about her, as she pretty much wears her character on her sleeve, if that makes sense lol. Panam’s interesting as she’s pretty much the only main character that is an outsider to Night City, being a Nomad and all, and that shows in her questline and her interactions with V and the city. Throughout her questline, Panam’s major struggle is deciding whether or not to rejoin her family or to continue to work as a merc in Night City. When you first meet her, she seems really pissed off after her car was stolen by Nash after she botched a job for 6th Street, clearly an indication of her unhappiness in Night City. It’s also important to note that Panam is introduced the the Strength tarot card, representing strength (duh), courage and compassion when upright, as well as lingering self doubt and raw emotion. Very Panam. You know how the story goes after that, she reunites with the Aldecaldos, finds a true friend/lover in V, blah blah blah. In my interpretation, Panam represents how there is much more to life than chasing empty dreams in Night City. In act one before meeting Panam, V and Jackie might as well have been surgically attached to NC with their determination to become legends in it, and the game INITIALLY (keyword) presents becoming a legend as the be all end all, the absolute pinnacle of a merc’s career. However, Panam is different to pretty much every other merc we see in Cyberpunk. She never once shows a desire to be the best in NC, even tho she’s clearly got a good reputation already (as she works for Rogue, a luxury not even V gets), and if she wanted too, she probably could climb the social ladder and get to at least Kid Weyland’s level. But it’s clear that Panam values other things over her reputation and status in NC, with the most obvious being her family. What Panam wanted at the beginning of her arc was some semblance of independence and the ability to live for herself and herself only, but what she needed was to be reminded of the family that she had left behind, yet would still do anything for her. I think that Panam is probably the most optimistic character archetype in the entire game, as the message of her character is literally that one fucking Vin Diesel meme; Family really does matter. Having people behind you when shit hits the fan is important, and there’s no shame in relying on others when you’re at your absolute lowest. This is even more evident in her ending, which is, imo, the absolute best ending in the game by a long shot. Even though Saul, Teddy and Bob did indeed die for V in the raid, they absolutely had no regrets, and if they really didn’t want to raid Mikoshi they could’ve stayed behind or backed out. After all, they would “walk through hell and back for you, brothesister”. Even though Johnny is disapproving of the whole Aldecaldo plan, by the time of the game’s ending he still hasn’t learned how to fucking rely on people, so his opinion is lowkey invalid. “You never stop learning hard lessons, but you don’t have to learn them alone” - dude from a random sidequest in Dogtown. It’s no wonder that the tarot card that Panam’s ending is associated with is The Star (jojo reference lmao), a card that represents hope, renewal, and the finding of a new purpose. One more thing, I think Panam ghosting V after the PL ending was super out of character, Panam would never do that, not after all the shit they went through together. Lowkey I think Panam could be dead in that ending, but then again, she said herself that she has trouble processing her emotions, so maybeeee she would call back at some point. Idk I’m just theorising at this point. TLDR Panam is the goat, love your family and friends, and I love bad bitches. 2 bad her fanbase are all gooners. Nobody seems to gaf about her actual character, even tho she’s one of my favourites 😭😭😭😭
Kerry time, baby. Lowkey, I really like Kerry, bro grew on me alot. I also think he has the most under appreciated arcs in the whole game. Long story short, Kerry’s an insecure ass dude that’s still stuck in the past, unable to separate his success as an artist from Johnny’s. Or at least he was. You already know what his deal is, washed up rockstar meets a friend/lover that he drags along to sabotage the UsCracks, he then meets said UsCracks, opens his mind a little and gains new friends and reignites his passion for music. But that’s not why I find Kerry interesting. Kerry’s central conflict that drives his illegal escapades is his fear of living in Johnny’s shadow, even 50 years after his death. V only goes to meet Kerry at the request of Johnny after he finds out about Kerry’s alleged suicide attempt. Kerry, of course, denies it, but I think that he didn’t want to appear weak in front of Johnny, both because he’s still lowkey not over him (like get a grip bro, it’s been half a century 💀💀💀) and also because his ego couldn’t handle being vulnerable in front of someone that he subconsciously perceived as being so much better than him. Kerry’s insecurities bleed into his actions way more than you might think, as Johnny always criticised him for “tying himself to a corporate leash” after he left Samurai. This singular line lowkey fucked Kerry’s perception of his career up, even though he never admits it until the rooftop scene. It’s the reason why he was so upset at his corpo manager making that deal with the manager of UsCracks behind his back, and it’s also the reason why he wanted to play one last gig as Samurai. Basically, Kerry was petrified of proving Johnny right, that he is just another corporate puppet and that he doesn’t actually believe in the shit he sings. I personally find that pretty relatable, as I’m man enough to admit that constantly being surrounded by people that you perceive as better than yourself really fucks with your perception of your own achievements, causing you to sell yourself short. Kerry’s arc is really great, as he realises that everything that he’s accomplished was because of him and his effort, and that he didn’t need to be subconsciously “competing” with the people around him, and once he finally realised that, he could actually enjoy his rockstar life. TLDR Kerry’s awesome, I love him and lowkey he just like me. More time should’ve been dedicated to his character rather than his romance, cuz it’s the second least impactful one imo.
Time to talk about my personal favourite long sidequest character, Judy Alvarez. Underneath her aloof attitude, Judy is really an optimist at heart, always wanting and using everything in her power to do the right thing. Her mindset shines through her entire questline, with the whole Clouds rebellion happening just because Judy wanted to do the right thing. Unfortunately, Night City does NOT like idealism, and Judy arguably goes through the worst trauma of any of the long sidequest characters (apart from maybe the Peralez’s). First her GF (maybe?) gets sexually assaulted and sold off to Scavs, then kills herself. Then, Judy rather healthily channels her anger and grief towards doing something good for Clouds, but unfortunately, she doesn’t think about the long term consequences of temporary liberating the club from the Tyger Claws, ending up with Tom getting killed and Clouds going down under if V chooses not to take Maiko’s side, or nothing changing in Clouds if V does take Maiko’s side, meaning her efforts were all for nothing. Judy has it fucking ROUGH, especially for a character that we know for certain is genuinely just a good person. It’s pretty fitting that her tarot card, Justice (found in the mission where V and Judy save Evelyn from the Scavs), is associated with her. The Justice card represents justice (obviously), fairness and truth when upright, and unfairness, shortsightedness and getting fucked over by situations out of your control when reversed. Getting fucked by situations out of her control is probably the best way to describe what happens to Judy throughout the entire game, hell, even her childhood home was washed away by some corporation without a lick of her input. Judy’s also the only notable character in the game that is completely alone in Night City, only having Evelyn as a true companion (until she… yk). Panam has the Aldecaldos, Kerry has his business and the UsCracks, and River has his family, but Judy has nobody. Similarly to V, Judy’s another character that Night City has taken everything from, and inbetween her love life with Maiko, Evelyn and debatably V (bro, she has DOGSHIT taste in women btw), her home that’s stuck underwater, and her friends at Clouds, it’s a wonder how she even gets up in the morning.
Judy has a lotta reasons to just crash out and integrate with the rest of morally bankrupt Night City scum, or at at the very least lose her optimism, but she chooses to still believe that there are people out there that want to do good. She also assumes the best in people, evident by her plan with Maiko having Evelyn’s suicide as the inciting factor (she thought that Maiko would have the same moral responsibility to at least try to do something about the safety of the dolls in Clouds). Some may call this trait naïveté or just plain stupidity, even Judy herself asks herself that question after the meeting with the Tyger Claw bosses, but the game shows otherwise. There are a myriad of characters in 2077 that choose to do good things purely because they were the right thing to do, with the biggest examples probably being Panam (helping Saul even though they constantly butt heads), River (getting to the bottom of the Mayor’s death, even getting suspended for it) and V themselves, and even Johnny if you have a high enough friendship with him. Throughout the game, V has many opportunities to do good things purely for the sake of doing good and helping others, and pretty much all of the character questlines in the game result from V just helping others out for seemingly nothing in return. In fact, this part of Judy’s character is best described by a line V can say after the Tyger Claw meeting; “There’s a difference between being a gonk and having faith in people”. Johnny once said that there are no good people, only good choices and shitty ones, but I think that Judy disproves that way of thinking. After all, if Johnny were right, then what the hell would you call someone that can still bring themselves to try and do the right thing despite being handed L after L? Interestingly, if you spare Woodman, you get to kill him with Judy later in her quest, and even after the deed is done Judy says that she feels “unsatisfied”, and will continue to say that she thought his death would make the world a better place. V can choose to either say “revenge rarely makes you feel better” or “the world is a better place now that Woodman’s gone” (both paraphrased). V is technically right in both outcomes, as Woodman’s death would most likely have saved a lot of dolls from his sexual abuse, but getting revenge on someone in an attempt to clear your conscience rarely, if ever, works. After all, Judy still had to deal with Evelyn’s death after Woodman had died, was still miserable (for at least a while), and still had no idea what her place in the world was. Getting revenge on Woodman didn’t magically make her problems go away, nor did it make her feel better, similarly to Clair admitting that she didn’t feel any better after killing the guy that murdered her husband.
I quickly want to mention Judy’s relationship with V. Regardless if you either play as Vincent or Valerie, Judy clearly cares a great deal about V, considering that V is one of the only “good” people that Judy knows (I put good in quotations cuz V is the player character, and can be as evil as the player wants them to be, but you can chock that up to ludo-narrative dissonance. Look that up). It’s also probably why she’s the most torn up if V kills themselves or dies during Don’t Fear The Reaper. I mean, her only and best friend or lover fucking dies right after her last friend (gf?) killed herself? That’s so rough it would be funny, but Judy’s reaction is so raw and visceral that it’s kinda hard to watch. Valerie and Judy’s relationship is also the most interesting imo, albeit a bit unhealthy, as they pretty much completely rely on one another through their respective struggles. V is the epitome of Judy’s worldview that there are good people in such a shitty world, and Judy is the positive influence that V needs to finally escape that shithole of a city. I said earlier that V was Judy’s rebound, and whilst that may be true, I like to think that by the Panam ending that their relationship became more than that.
Anyway, enough about love, ewww. The final aspect of Judy’s character that I want to discuss is her relationship with Night City and how it differs from other characters. Although she was born and raised in the City, Judy doesn’t hold it in high regard, quoting “this city either makes you an asshole or you get offed by one” in The Sun ending. And tbf, who could blame her after NC destroyed Ev, Clouds and almost destroyed her worldview and ideals too. If you complete her quest, Judy will leave NC in every single ending apart from the suicide ending, finally escaping the toxic ass environment of Night City. It’s no surprise that she’s a whole lot happier after leaving, moving to Oregon with her grandparents if V isn’t in a relationship with her, or joining V in the Panam ending. Even in the Phantom Liberty ending (that I fucking hate, mind you), she gets married, ditches NC and is finally happy. And you know what, good for her, god knows she deserves it 😭. TLDR Judy proves that even in a shithole dystopian world, there will always be someone trying to good, and that’s not a weakness, rather it’s a great virtue. She’s my second favourite character, and her romance route has the most depth and is the most interesting. Judy is peak character writing (except in Phantom Liberty). Anyway, enough about these frauds, let’s talk about the real star of the game.
🗣️🔥JOHNNY FUCKING SILVERHAND‼️💥💪 Can you believe that it’s taken this long for me to get to him??? Boy, oh boy where do I even begin? Ig I should start with his backstory. Johnny Silverhand (born Robert John Linder) was a musician and “revolutionary” of his time, being the lead singer of his band Samurai and also being the perpetrator of the Arasaka tower bombing in 2023. He was defeated by Adam Smasher and died after having his consciousness sucked into Mikoshi by Arasaka. This is the version of events that Johnny claims to have happened, but the game leaves subtle hints that he’s either lying or he may not know the whole story. This may enter theory territory, but it’s implied that the real Johnny (i.e. The non construct Johnny) actually died in his first encounter with Smasher, and the memory that construct Johnny has of getting Soulkilled is either a lie or fabricated. Furthermore, the lead narrative designer and creator of Cyberpunk, Mike Pondsmith, has stated “Johnny's recollection of the events that day are scrambled from the rad damage his body took and the process of recording his engram (CDPR and I have both agreed that Johnny is an unreliable narrator at best)” In this (https://www.reddit.com/LowSodiumCyberpunk/comments/lheqvn/comment/gn0g87h/?context=3) reddit post, if you care to read it. Bottom line is Johnny is an unreliable ass narrator, and a lot of what he says and recalls is either a lie or he just doesn’t remember correctly. Returning to his backstory, Johnny signed up for the army as a teenager and served in the second Central American war, got his left arm blown off and replaced with his iconic sliver hand, and finally he deserted the army, fucking off to NC in that shitty hotel that V wakes up in 2077.
Before I continue, I would like to quickly talk about cyberpsychosis and how it relates to Johnny. Basically, cyberpsychosis is the process of slowly losing your mind as you get more and more cybernetic implants, eventually resulting in the afflicted crashing out and going cyberpsycho, usually resulting in a lot of deaths. We don’t see much of the effects of cyberpsychosis in 2077, so I’m gonna bring up Edgerunners. In said anime, the main character David pushed his cyberware tolerance to the absolute limit without losing his humanity, and even he sorta lost it by the ending. Same with Maine, another major character. But basically, mild cyberpsychosis has been known to cause symptoms of lacking empathy, rash thinking and a loss of self preservation. Sounds a lot like a certain rockstar that we know, right? Johnny has been confirmed to have suffered from at least a mild form of cyberpsychosis from his primitive silver arm. Confirmed by Pondsmith (https://www.reddit.com/LowSodiumCyberpunk/comments/xklzsx/comment/ipffmf4/), knowing that Johnny is a high functioning cyberpsycho lowkey re-contextualises his entire character, as his cyberpsychotic tendencies perhaps led to his mistreatment of his friends and his almost deranged obsession with Arasaka. With that being said, I don’t think that Johnny’s cyberpsychotic tendencies can justify his destructive behaviour, as Regina’s fixer quests prove that cyberpsychos can be rehabilitated and return to society safely and effectively. So really, if Johnny ever seeked out help, he probably could’ve turned himself around and perhaps even prevented himself from fucking up every relationship he had.
To say that Johnny has a fiery, gung-ho personality would be a massive understatement. Unsurprisingly, due to his background of serving in a corporate government war, Johnny fucking hates corporations, citing why in his lengthy speech to V after they interrogated Hellman. “Corps've long controlled our lives, taken lots... and now they're after our souls! V, I've declared war not because capitalism's a thorn in my side or outta nostalgia for an America gone by. This war's a people's war against a system that's spiralled outta our control. It's a war against the fuckin' forces of entropy, understand? Do whatever it takes to stop 'em, defeat 'em, gut 'em. If I gotta kill, I'll kill. If I need your body, I'll fuckin' take it!” It’s clear that Johnny hates corporations in an abstract sense, hating the way that they’ve got the entire world in a chokehold. He even acknowledges that corporations are like hydra, and even if you destroy one, two others will inevitably take its place. Johnny’s main goal was to get people to “wake up” as he puts it. He wanted to inspire people to rise tf up and actually do something about the corps treading over them, and in that sense he’s right. After all, corps are only as powerful as the people allow them to be. Compared to most other motivations in NC, on paper Johnny is quite heroic. Too bad the way he goes about things borderlines on completely psychopathic. That brings me onto my next point.
Johnny was highkey a narcissistic hypocrite. He raved on and on about standing up to corporations for the good of the people, but he only ever directly challenged a corp when Arasaka kidnapped Alt, and even then he didn’t give a fuck about all of the innocent people that would most likely be killed with the bombing of Saka Tower. Also worth mentioning that he was convinced that Arasaka kidnapped Alt just to get to him (bro was so up his own ass goddamn 💀). Probably worst of all is that Arasaka tower’s bombing changed absolutely nothing in Night City. Smasher survived, every Arasaka survived and corps still ruled the city long after the bombing. The only things that Silverhand accomplished was murdering a shit ton of people and cementing himself as a legend of Night City, quite possibly the most meaningless legacy ever.
This brings us onto the 2077 timeline, when Johnny awakes inside of V’s head. I’m sure you know the story from there. They bicker, Johnny slowly warms up to V and vice versa, he sacrifices himself, blah blah blah. Throughout his time stuck in V’s head, Johnny slowly but steadily develops empathy and compassion for people other than himself, and by the end of the game he finally realises how much of a shit he’s been. I believe that there is no better quest to showcase his development than the grave quest “Chippin In”. In said quest, Johnny asks V to find and visit his grave, hoping that there was at least something that marked his death. Alas, he is disappointed, as when V finally finds the location of his body, there was nothing there. Just a pile of old scrap and garbage. When V asks what he expected to find, Johnny simply replies “I dunno. A marker? Something. Anything…”. This is Johnny at his most vulnerable you ever see him throughout the entire game. Even though Johnny had achieved legend status, not one person had bothered to track down his grave and pay their respects by giving him at least something. Just to know that he mattered to someone. Unfortunately for him, by the time he died, there was nobody that he hadn’t completely destroyed his relationship with. “Chippin In” is Johnny’s wake up call to finally stop abusing and abandoning his relationships, and the first one that he makes an effort to mend is his friendship with V. “Is it too late to ask for a second chance?” From this point onward, Johnny notably makes more of an effort to make up for the shitty ways he had treated his friends. For some, like Kerry and V, Johnny is able to reconnect and ultimately help them become better people, but for others, like Rogue, he finds that he can never really re-integrate into her life. This is because that Rogue, just like Johnny, had changed over the past 50 years, and she genuinely could not face Johnny after she sold out to Arasaka, viewing it as a betrayal of both Johnny’s and her own values. The tragedy of their romance is that by the time that Johnny learns that information, he doesn’t care, because he has changed, and put his love for Rogue over his hatred of Arasaka. Too bad that if Johnny lives, Rogue either hates him and thinks of him a coward in DFTR, bids him a less that tender farewell in any other ending, or just straight up dies in her ending 💀.
Johnny also happens to be the only character other than V to have multiple tarot cards associated with him, with the first one being The Hanged Man, also found in the “Chippin in” quest by Johnny’s grave. The card depicts a man hanging from his feet, a rather untraditional way of hanging. Perhaps the man is hanging upside down from his own volition? The Hanged Man represents resistance and indecision when reversed, and letting go and new perspectives when upright. Hmm… letting go of a lifelong obsession? I wonder how that relates to Johnny 🤔?
The next card that Johnny is associated with is The Lovers, found in the movie theatre after Rogue and Johnny’s date. The Lovers depicts two figures intertwined by their tongues (or a traditional embrace in most other tarot cards), with a bright background behind them. Behind one figure lies a serpent coiled around its neck, almost choking it, whilst the other has a wreath of burning branches behind it. The serpent whispers in lover one’s ear, guiding them to hedonistic pleasures and the easy way out, while the fire of the branches are representative of lover two’s determination and passion, both for lover one and perhaps for more. The Lovers upright represents the purest form of love and harmony, however I think Johnny’s relationship with Rogue fits The Lovers reversed better. The Lovers reversed represents a misalignment of values, that being that one lover’s priorities is not the same as the other’s. It can also represent unrequited feelings, representative of Rogue cockblocking Johnny after their date. I also think that The Lovers can apply to every relationship that V has available to them, but I really cannot be bothered to write all that shit out. You think about it. Johnny’s final associated card is Temperance, but I’ll talk about that in the endings section.
Basically, the message behind Johnny’s character is that no matter how badly you fucked up, no matter how cooked you may think you are, you are always capable of changing yourself for the better and helping others. By giving Johnny a second chance, V made him a better man capable of caring for others, eventually storming Arasaka tower for V and sacrificing himself just so that V can get their body back. An act that selfless coming from the same guy that told V kill themselves in the beginning? I believe that Johnny is absolutely worthy of a second chance. TLDR Keanu is my glorious king, fuck corpos and I need to buy some sweet ass red aviators.
Unfortunately, that’s the maximum character limit hit for this subreddit 😭.

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Helloo fellow date-needing people. Ill cut straight to the chase! Im a 24 year old guy, ive been single for a while now and i believe my heart is ready to try again and who knows, maybe find that special someone that i can connect with on every aspect, see into eachother's souls and vibe together like you haven't before, someone that can make you feel like you're flying all the time and give you the safest of spaces in the world :) (and also someone that will tell you all the fun facts about animals when going to the zoo)
A little about me and my hobbies:
Currently i am in Poland getting my Masters degree in architecture! Its going great and I'm experiencing a lot of new things!
And yes profession wise i am an Architect! Been so for a couple years, its hard but creative and thats what makes ya endure the dumbass work environment haha
I like to draw (mostly buildings for obvious reasons) but i also love to 3d model and make props and trinkets from shows and movies i like!
Speaking of, movies! I watch them, a lot. Nothing beats a cold winter night with a nice movie and a cup of hot cocoa in hand :)
Games! I love playing games like minecraft and stardew, but i mostly indulge in single player and indie games!
And i asked my best friend to describe me and he said "hectic, unstable, and weird but in a ""wtf is happening with this dude im intrigued"" kind of way"
As for music i listen to anything pop, rap, and indie! Some of Favourite artists are Kendrick lamar, post malone, imagine dragons, 21 pilots, arctic monkeys, the 1975 and the weeknd
So...take of that as you will xD
Id like to think im an empathetic, affectionate man. The most important thing to me in any relationship is communication so ill always make sure we talk about everything, no insecurity or overthinking is allowed! Im looking to find that spark. That "woah... Am i falling in love?" Kind of thing :) beggers cant be choosers but hey, if you put a goal in mind and work for it then you get it!
My preference:
Honestly i dont have much, as long as you're 18 to 30, and are willing to chat whenever you're free (but life gets in the way so its understandable when you have off days!), then this post is for you!! Oh and maybe there is a +1 for people in Europe haha, similar timezone and all!
And lastly, if you ask for a picture i shall send one no probelm :)
Dont hesitate to reach out! if you find this post, it means im still looking :) have a great night!!
Toodles~
Ps: to whoever keeps focus downvoting me, go touch some grass please and thanks :)

Hi friends! Long story short, I’m a 26 year old woman who gets hit on more often than I’d like. I am a very friendly and outgoing person so I always joke around and make friends quickly. This leads to some of those men asking me on dates. Just recently, I met a very sweet and funny guy on a flight and we hit it off. I am thinking he could be a good friend for me, but when we land, he asks if I’d like to get coffee sometime this week and asks for my number. I said yes, when my heart was really screaming NO. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’m not interested in anything romantic. It’s frustrating because I want everyone to be my friend, but most people want more than to just talk and hang out as friends. He messaged me again today and asked if I was free this week. I do not want to, but I feel bad.. but I should not!! I can’t help it. So my question is: how do you all do it? Do you just straight up tell people “I’m asexual” or that you’re not interested in dating? Do I say this from now on?