I have been facing stomach issues for a while after a hour or viral fever, for which I had to take antibiotics. My curent symptoms include diarrhea like stools and some lower rib pain on the left side (not sure if it's related)
I didn't change my diet in any way. I am taking yoghurt and yakult everyday and haven't seen any improvement. On some days I randomly get a good bowel movement. I don't face any nutritional deficiencies (so far as I can tell) and live pretty actively.
Recently I have realised that I have developed allergy to eggs. My lips swell up and my throat gets scratchy. Then a few days ago I had beer after a long time and it gave me almost an anaphylaxis like reaction which subsided after allergy medicine.
I have no idea what is happening to me. I feel like giving up without even trying any treatment. This is just a rant I guess. But yeah if someone has gone through something similar please chime in

How to keep your vibrations high to thrive through negative times

1. Stay hydrated: Filtered water with a pinch of Celtic Sea Salt added (see below)

2. Get outdoors as much as possible.=Natural Vitamin D

3. Eat Fresh Whole Foods=vitamins through foods

4. Mind your thoughts: choose positive uplifting thoughts, stay away from ALL negative thinking, and choose to embody happy feelings. Fear, Paranoia and Negativity are tools that empower the Dark Occultist Globalists (WEAPONIZED Negativity AGAINST humanity. See below)

5. Meet more positive like-minded people you resonate with, even if you might disagree at times they won't attack, belittle, argue with or demean you.

6. Get rid of TV and MSM=They program you with subliminal messages, subliminal energetic energies, and negative ideology (mind control/indoctrination). Don't let things you can’t control "control" you (see below)

7. STOP eating processed packaged foods/beverages, reduce to eliminate synthetic chemicals in pharmaceuticals.

8. Cash is King. Digital is part of the Digital ID and control through AI=Internet of Things (Mark of the Beast)

9. Spend more time in nature, walk outdoors, go barefoot and ground in earth to discharge negative magnetic toxins accumulated in body (see below)

10. Read books, light candles, meditate, sing, tap into inner creativity, get a calming hobby, learn to relax, and release workaholic materialistic obsessive ideology.

⬇️ https://youtu.be/rMyXexWoqXg?si=aqh-gp8IE53z92qh
Grounding/Earthing (People obsessed and possessed over the need to wear shoes except when sleeping are cutting themselves off from the PROVEN health benefits through grounding)
*
Integrative and lifestyle medicine strategies should include Earthing (grounding): Review of research evidence and clinical observations
Highlights • Earthing (grounding) connects people to the Earth's natural healing energy.
• Reduces inflammation, pain, and stress; improves blood flow, sleep, and vitality.
• Earthing is a simple, profound lifestyle addition requiring no effort or dieting.
• Earthing is a GROSSLY overlooked factor in health and healing.
• Earthing should be recommended by health professionals to patients.
Core components of alternative, lifestyle, and preventive medicine include nutrition, exercise, stress management, and relationships. Missing from this formula is the practice of Earthing (also commonly referred to as grounding; in this paper, we will primarily use the term Earthing).
Earthing simply means reconnecting the conductive human body to the Earth's natural and subtle surface electric charge, an effortless lifestyle activity that systemically influences the basic bioelectrical function of the body. Doing so surprisingly stabilizes the physiology, reduces inflammation, pain, and stress, improves sleep, blood flow, and lymphatic/venous return to the heart, and produces greater well-being.
These are systemic, profound effects. People often report that after they start Earthing, they feel and look healthier and younger. Those with pain report less pain.1 Even mood improves.2
Earthing is easy to do and often achieves rapid results, particularly for individuals with chronic health disorders. ⬇️ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1550830719305476
Grounding – The universal anti-inflammatory remedy
Grounding or earthing could be the anti-inflammatory antidote for modern man. It is one of the greatest kept secrets when it comes to our health and aliveness, and only a small part of the scientific community really understands the concept. Once health professionals and others realize that grounding is especially important in preventing inflammatory illness, an incredible effect on public health will be realized. The breath of validation from previous published data and real-life testimonials is a testimony of the earth's dramatic impact on healing the human body. ⬇️ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10105021/
Thriving Together Series: The Well-Being Benefits of Grounding
Grounding offers a diverse variety of well-being benefits. It is a simple practice that can significantly improve your health.
The benefits of grounding, according to this U.S. News and World Report article can include:
Stress and pain relief Less inflammation Better sleep More energy Improved circulation Reduced anxiety and depression Stronger immune system functioning ⬇️ https://wellbeing.gmu.edu/thriving-together-series-the-well-being-benefits-of-grounding/
Earthing: The Real Health Benefits of Planting Your Feet on Mother Earth
Earthing Benefits Earthing has real, research-backed benefits that include:
Reducing inflammation Reducing pain, including chronic pain Regulating the nervous system and cortisol levels Protecting the body from disruptive electromagnetic fields (EMF) Reducing jet lag Improving blood flow Restoring energy Improving sleep Faster wound healing Regulating immunity Improving mood Reducing blood viscosity (lowering risk of blood clots). ⬇️ https://bodybio.com/blogs/blog/earthing-benefits
A therapeutic method called 'earthing' offers health benefits ⬇️ https://www.cbsnews.com/baltimore/news/a-therapeutic-method-called-earthing-offers-health-benefits/
Celtic Sea Salt
*
Celtic Sea Salt Benefits ⬇️ https://draxe.com/nutrition/celtic-sea-salt/#Health_Benefits
What is so special about Celtic sea salt?

1. Rich in essential minerals
2. Maintains electrolyte balance
3. Supports digestive health
4. Enhances flavor naturally
5. Promotes better hydration
6. Benefits for skin health
7. Alkalizing properties ⬇️ https://longevity.technology/lifestyle/7-reasons-why-celtic-salt-is-the-miracle-salt-you-need-right-now/

Celtic Sea Salt Blog ⬇️ https://celticseasalt.com/blog/
What Is so Special About Celtic Sea Salt? The Health Trend Everyone's Talking About ⬇️ https://www.greenmatters.com/health-and-wellness/celtic-salt-benefits
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=celtic+sea+salt+organic+coarse&ref=scx_alster_rib_qb_llm_defaultdlsoft_0
The power of the mind
*
Mind this: Research reveals the power of the mind ⬇️ https://scopeblog.stanford.edu/2018/06/18/mind-this-research-reveals-the-power-of-the-mind/
Stanford researchers explore how the human mind shapes reality
“Our minds aren’t passive observers, simply perceiving reality as it is. Our minds actually change reality,” said Alia Crum, an assistant professor of psychology and director of the Stanford Mind and Body Lab. Crum and other Stanford researchers – including many who recently took part in a World Economic Forum IdeasLab panel and Worldview Stanford’s Power of Minds meeting, both sponsored in part by the Stanford Neurosciences Institute – are bridging medicine, psychology, education, business and more to understand not just what our minds can do, but also how they do it. ⬇️ https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2018/06/four-ways-human-mind-shapes-reality
7 Incredible Studies That Prove The Power Of The Mind
Study #1: Visualization creates results: Study #2: Smiling improves mood Study #3: Thought management lowers stress Study #4. The brain can produce serotonin on its own Study #5. People can “think” their way to releasing weight Study #6. Positivity and meditation prolongs life Study #7. The Placebo effect ⬇️ https://www.powerofpositivity.com/7-incredible-studies-that-prove-the-power-of-the-mind/
(The mind is so powerful that government/military/scientific agencies have weaponized mind control to harness the energy of each individuals mind to power nefarious agendas AGAINST humanity=Science Fiction is Reality)
*
Mind-Controlled virtual assistant on a smartphone device
2034-12-16 Adjusted expiration ⬇️ https://patents.google.com/patent/US20150045007A1/en
Nervous system manipulation by electromagnetic fields from monitors ⬇️ https://pubchem.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/patent/US-6506148-B2
CIA and NSA MIND CONTROL PATENTS ⬇️ https://groups.google.com/g/alt.tv.survivoc/H5rGBARu6yA/m/sULKiRH5mLIJ
Mind Control Patents ⬇️ https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.scribd.com/document/270126429/Mind-Control-Patents&ved=2ahUKEwigm5_a0pyGAxW7DzQIHe0NDOUQFnoECB4QAQ&usg=AOvVaw3epzaJE3DK0xerstUwE9_D
Directed Energy Weapons = Targeted Individuals Patents ⬇️ https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.ohchr.org/sites/default/files/Documents/Issues/Torture/Call/NGOs/VIACTECAnnex.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwigm5_a0pyGAxW7DzQIHe0NDOUQFnoECCAQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0bIw52iqlS2SEnaCYsSlgf
Methods and Systems for Noninvasive Mind-Controlled Devices ⬇️ https://patents.justia.com/patent/20210018896
A declassified CIA document dated 7 Jan 1953 [1] describes the creation of multiple personality in 19-year old girls. "These subjects have clearly demonstrated that they can pass from a fully awake state to a deep H [hypnotic] controlled state ... by telephone, by receiving written matter, or by the use of code, signal, or words and that control of those hypnotized can be passed from one individual to another without great difficulty. It has also been shown by experimentation with these girls that they can act as unwilling couriers for information purposes." BB 32
A CIA document dated 10 Feb 1954 [4] describes an experiment on the creation of unsuspecting assassins: "Miss [deleted] was then instructed (having expressed a fear of firearms) that she would use every method at her disposal to awaken Miss [deleted] (now in a deep hypnotic sleep) and failing this, she would pick up a pistol and fire it at Miss [deleted]. She was instructed that she would not hesitate to "kill." Miss [deleted] carried out these suggestions including firing the (unloaded) gun at [deleted]. After proper suggestions were made, both were awakened. Miss [deleted] expressed absolute denial that the foregoing sequence had happened." BB 36, 37 ⬇️ https://www.wanttoknow.info/mindcontrol?gad_source=1

Race Information

• Name: Cleveland Marathon
• Date: May 19, 2024
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Cleveland, Ohio
• Website: https://www.clevelandmarathon.com/
• Time: 3:39:xx

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	3:05:00	No
B	3:10:00	No
C	3:30:00	No

Splits (roughly)

Mile	Time
1	7:02
2	7:01
3	7:09
4	7:10
5	7:04
6	7:10
7	7:48
8	7:35
9	7:22
10	7:30
11	7:17
12	7:22
13	7:47
14	7:56
15	8:17
16	8:15
17	9:09
18	8:39
19	8:49
20	9:47
21	10:09
22	9:46
23	10:05
24	10:11
25	11:23
26	9:46

Training

29 M Pfitz 18/55 This was my first road marathon and my first planned training block I have ever done. My ultimate goal this year is to qualify for Boston so I can cross it off my bucket list and go back to trail running. I finally got a spot in the Chicago marathon this fall so I was planning on using this block/race as a stepping stone to get me ready for a 2:55 or below in Chicago. I had figured I could get into 3:10 shape for Cleveland, so that’s the goal time I set back in Jan of this year. I used that goal time for my pfitz training paces for the entire block. The training went well, and I adjusted the plan slightly to meet my needs. I work from home and can get most of my runs in during my lunch hour. With small kids at home, I did everything I could to not take away any family weekend fun. My schedule roughly turned into:
Monday – Workout
Tuesday - General aerobic
Wednesday – Med Long Run
Thursday – Recovery/Easy
Friday – Long run (don’t tell my boss)
We are usually very active on the weekends, but I would try to get an extra run on the treadmill for 30 minutes every Sunday as a “shake-out” for my Monday workout and a way to get a couple extra miles in. I was able to get into a groove and hit almost every workout on mileage and pace. I ran a half marathon week 12 at 1:31. A 10k time trial week 14 – 41m and then another 10k time trail week 16 where I managed a 39:45. My 18 mile LR with 14 mile MP was smashed. Really just felt like I nailed everything. Loved the plan, 10/10 would recommend. The book has so much great info in it as well.

Pre-race

My taper went well, Pfitz has a 3 week taper and based on some research (reading reddit threads, letsrun pages, talked to my crazy uncles, etc.) I decided to keep that 16th week at 50 miles instead of the 44 he recommends. Based on my races/time trials I was hoping I could manage a 3:05 but would still be happy with a 3:10. It being my first race, I knew that I could blow up and figured a 3:30 would be a “everything went horribly wrong” scenario. lol
So I live in Cleveland and as you might assume, our weather is total garbage from October til March. I had been watching the weather like a hawk, and saw it was going to be in the 60s w/90% humidity at the start line and would rise in the the 70s. I have run outside in 60+ degree weather maybe 5 times since Thanksgiving. At this point, I should have adjusted my target to a 3:15/3:20. I also tried to carb load. 750g of carbs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Featherstone nutrition has a great and easy guide on it. However, it sucked. Not sure if it helped at all, will probably just eat more but not kill myself trying to get to the carb levels. Went to the convention center Friday afternoon to pick up my bib.

Race

Morning of, woke up at 330. Coffee, bagel, Maurten 320. Gear check and packed my bags. Popped an Imodium on my way out the door as I typically do with my trail races. I got a parking spot in a garage 2 minutes from the start line. Got downtown around 530. Dropped off my bag at gear check and I found a nice place to sit and warm up. Got to meet Harvey Lewis and Sage Canaday, both really nice so that’s cool. I put 3:10 estimated finish time on the registration page, that’s good enough for Corral A at the CLE marathon so Corral A it is.
0-12
Went out with the 3:10 pace group and my plan was to stick with them until mile 18-20 then assess how I felt. The first three miles were about 10-15 seconds too quick. I knew in my head that it was not a great idea and that I should slow down, but I felt fine. I felt good. I felt strong. Everyone was chatting that it was probably a little too fast but the pacers didn’t yield. There is a pretty big hill at mile 7/8ish and I crushed it. Around mile 10 I started to feel a little warm, so I pulled off to the side, removed my bib from my tank top, put it on my tights, and took off my tank top. Every aid station I took a sip of water and dumped a cup on my head. I was running with a group of 5-10 people who really turned it on from miles 10-12. I loved their energy, so I stuck with them. We came to a split where half marathon runners went right, and marathon runners went left. They all went right. I went left. Uh-oh.
12-20
As I peel off left, I start to realize my mistake. These people I had been running with were kicking to their finish line. “Its okay, you are almost halfway and you are feeling strong. A little warm, but its flat from here until mile 20. Get to 20” Not 10 seconds later and I make a left turn onto a “flat bridge” that might as well have been Mt Denali. I laughed out loud, I knew I was screwed, and a wave of regrets flooded over me. I crossed 13.1 at ABOUT 1:31. I told myself that 3:20 was my new goal and I allowed myself to slow down and wanted to maintain about an 8min/mile the rest of the way. At mile 4,8, 12 I took a gel. I was planning on taking more at 15, 18, and 21. My gel at mile 15 didn’t go down well, and I developed an insane cramp below my rib cage. I had never dealt with that before so I was unsure if I was about to have a heart attack or if it was just GI distress. (That would be my last gel of the day.) I then passed a strong looking runner (he had a tracksmith tank and new alphaflys on) who had passed out on the ground and the crowd ran over to make sure he was ok. “oh shit, that would be me if I push it too much” As you could imagine, my mental strength was chipping away rapidly. I knew my family was at mile 17 so I held it together. Made it to them, dropped off my tank top, gave all the kids a kiss and high fived a couple dogs. I completed my trip thru Clevelands cute western neighborhoods and headed to the Shoreway.
20-finish
As I ran down the highway ramp to the Shoreway, this is where the wheels started to really fall off. It was hot. It was humid. I knew there was a huge hill ahead of me without an ounce of shade and the breeze was no where to be found. I said goodbye to 3:20 and just wanted to finish in one piece. This was an out and back portion of the race so I could see the strong runners at mile 24 coming back and they looked like they were melting. I took the shoreway out to lakewood, ran/walked between all the aid stations, had people doing yard work spray me with their hose, and focused on keeping my HR down so I could finish and not be one of the many people passed out on the Shoreway awaiting to be rescued by the EMS crew. It was only 70-75 degrees during the last 6 miles but I know everyone struggled immensely, it was really a suffer fest out there. Leg cramps, knee pain, and plantar fasciitis accompanied me for the last couple miles back into town but the crowd support was amazing and kept me going. Was ready to bust ass thru the finish line when I had to pull over to make way for an ambulance, how poetic. I hustled over the finish line with a smile on my face because you know what Andy glaze says. Smile or you are doing it wrong.

Post-race

Grabbed my medal, grabbed my checked bag, and found a shady bit of grass behind a tent and crashed. After a few minutes I was able to get up, find my family, and head home. Lessons learned.

1. Should have adjusted my goal time. I knew it was going to be hot. I was literally complaining to my wife every day for 10 days about how hot it was going to be. I let the EGO win. Went out too fast for what it was and blew up. How many times have I read this exact scenario online and vowed it would never happen to me?
   
2. I think I ate too much food in the morning which led to GI distress. The stomach cramp was debilitating.
   
3. Road marathons are a totally different beast, and I need more practice with all the nuances.
   

Next steps:

1. As upset as I am about the results, I am extremely fired up to get back to training. I am taking 3 weeks “off” and then going to start Pfitz 18/70. I will start the plan with workout paces around a 2:55 marathon pace but assess the training more closely as I go thru. I believe I am in 3:05-3:10 shape right now but need to be realistic on what I can accomplish in 20 weeks. A 2:50 is probably a safe BQ time but I would need a miracle.
   
2. I have thought about getting a coach, but I am not sold on the idea yet. I think my key is bumping up mileage, which I feel ready for.
   
3. Hoping to run a handful of races (10k-halfs) this summer to practice my Racing mindset. I am signed up for the River Run half in September, shooting for a 1:22. Cleveland has a ton of great stuff going on running wise.
   
4. Plan on incorporating more weightlifting for my lower body and core. Currently at around 200 lbs. Would love to run Chicago at 195 or lower but not trying to crash diet.
   

Geatraining tool notes:

• I am a sneakerhead. I ran in Asics metaspeed Edge Paris and generally liked them. My main training shoes were Boston 12s, superblasts, peg 39s, and some older race shoes (vaporflys, endorphin pro 2, etc). Will be looking for something new for this fall.
  
• Used a google sheet from Floberg Runs that I tweaked, really nice to have a clear calendar with my personal schedule laid out.
  

There are not a lot of race reports for the Cleveland Marathon, it is a great race and I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a spring marathon. I am happy to answer anyone’s questions about the race.
"Never regret thy fall, O Icarus of the fearless flight, For the greatest tragedy of them all, Is never to feel the burning light."
Made with a new race report generator created by herumph.

A common thing you hear in diet circles is: "Nutrition research was done with Grain fed beef/butter, but those results don't apply to Grass fed, which is super healthy!"

• What do the studies say?
• Design: In a double-blind, randomized, 12-week, parallel intervention study, 38 healthy subjects replaced part of their habitual dietary fat intake with 39 g fat from test butter made from milk from mountain-pasture grazing cows or from cows fed conventional winter fodder.
• Results: No differences in blood lipids, lipoproteins, hsCRP, insulin, glucose or glucose-tolerance were observed.
  • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3720277/
• There are not even any human trials comparing grass fed beef to grain fed beef, so I could disregard their claim just based on that. But I will compare them anyway:
  • An 100-gram serving (a little under four ounces) of grass-fed sirloin contains 65 milligrams of omega-3 fats, loin has 40 and rib-eye has 37. So even that 65-milligram amount is only about 22 milligrams more than that for regular beef and still far below levels in low-fat fishes such as tilapia (134 milligrams) and haddock (136). Salmon has 1,270 milligrams.
  • Grass-fed beef provides only .02 mg more of Vitamin E per serving than grain-fed beef, so if you’re concerned about your vitamin intake, you will be much better off looking towards carrots, almonds, and fortified products.
  • ALL beef cattle are grass-fed and raised on their mothers until they are weaned at about 7-10 months of age. There is a common misconception that cattle should not eat corn. But corn is a type of grass.

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A knock came at the door while Saphira was washing her hands in the basin.
“One moment!” she cried as she dried her hands on a nearby towel. She brushed her palms against her apron and made for the front door. Two familiar faces greeted her on the other side. “Espada! Goose! Come on in!”
Espada offered a curt nod and procured a bottle of dark wine from behind her back. “I know you’re avoiding the stuff, but Goose and I want to have a couple of glasses if you don’t mind.”
Saphira shook her head. “Not at all!”
“Thank you, thank you,” Goose sang as she skipped into Saphira’s home.
Saphira shut the door once they were all inside, then briskly returned to the kitchen, where two pots of stew cooked over her stove. She grabbed a mitten and cupped it over the knob beneath the pot, and pulled open the door. The fire was still going strong, so she nodded and shut it before setting the mitten back to the side.
“It smells delicious,” Espada said, taking a seat on the sofa.
“Thank you. It’s an old recipe of my grandmother’s. I hope you like it.”
“I’m sure it’s amazing.”
Saphira swung open a cabinet above her and plucked two glasses from within, holding them upside down with one hand. Years spent farming meant she had practiced hands, and she took great pride in her ability to accommodate friends and family. Grabbing a wine opener from a nearby drawer, thoughts of the last time she’d shared a glass with Matt pricked her tail. She strolled over to where Espada and Goose were sitting, cheerily humming as she gestured for the bottle of wine in Espada’s hand.
“It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve been here,” Espada commented, surrendering the bottle. “Keepin’ busy?”
“Every day is busy,” Saphira giggled as she set the glasses down. “Not that I mind it. I have excellent company.” She gestured to the crib against the back wall that Espada and Goose had built. Marie was happily playing with a few blocks that Goose had as a kitten. It baffled Saphira that Marie could already walk. Not that Marie could walk well just yet, but the fact that she’d picked it up so quickly and easily had Saphira wondering if she’d learned anything that early. “What about you?”
“Things are quiet lately, what with Matt and his Party gone. Demand for weapons and armor is low without ‘em. So I’ve been working the irrigation and home repairs lately.” Espada shrugged.
“Where’s Tabitha?” Saphira asked. Tabitha was a rambunctious woman, obsessed with dirt and everything beneath it. She had her heart set on being the one responsible for Junonia’s irrigation, and she worked as the village’s carpenter in her off time.
“We’re not sure, but she did mention checking out the other towns on Ni Island. Maybe she just got tired of this place.” Goose shrugged.
“It feels strange to take up her post,” Espada continued. “Not exactly my field of expertise. But it’s a living, and it’s oddly satisfying work. Besides, Goose is makin’ sure I don’t lose my touch.”
Saphira uncorked the bottle and set the opener to the side, blinking. “What does that mean?”
“It means you’re looking at a [Fighter],” Goose said with a toothy grin. “Been hearing all about Matt and his Party from Espada and the other girls, so I thought I’d make my own waves out there.” She emphasized the point by imitating an ocean’s current with her hands.
Saphira smiled. Ni Island wasn’t known for its plethora of adventurers. Most of them ended up calling it quits before Second Class—choosing quieter lives in tending to children, farming, cooking, or living off the land. She couldn’t think of the last time she heard of someone leaving Junonia. Well, except for Matt and his group. “Are you thinking of exploring outside the island?”
Goose shook her head. “Not yet. I’m thinking of hunting some small-time Encroachers for a few Bells. Espada’s been helping me.” She nudged Espada playfully.
Espada chuckled. “She has a good sword arm, so I’ve been teaching her in my off time.”
“Espada, you’re the best I’ve ever seen! You must’ve trained on Nyarlothep,” Goose said.
“Something like that.” Espada had always been tight-lipped about where she came from before she settled on Ni Island. Whenever she was asked, she’d shake her head and change the subject. If anyone pushed too hard, then she’d suggest they go on their way.
Saphira didn’t mind it so much, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t curious. Still, it wasn’t her place. She offered her own change of topic as she began to fill Espada and Goose’s glasses. “That’s so exciting, Goose!”
“It feels so good to train and Level. Don’t you think, Saphira?” Goose asked, leaning forward with eager eyes. She watched Saphira pour the wine, gripping the glass’ neck using her first two fingers and her thumb.
Saphira could hardly remember how long she’d dabbled in her Class after her choosing. Every catgirl selected a Class when they came of age, but it was a distant memory to her now. “A-ah… I admittedly don’t remember much.” She giggled and poured Espada’s drink next. “I know that I selected [Scout], though.”
“Huh. I would’ve figured you for a [Chemist] or a [Mage],” Goose said.
“I’d heard from Keke that [Scout]s were good at finding Encroacher parts, so I figured that I might become a leatherworker at some point,” Saphira said. She shook her head. “I’m not one for combat, though. I only ever reached Level 2.”
Goose nodded as she swirled her glass. “That’s our Saphira. Pure to the core.”
Saphira flushed and curled a lock of her hair around her finger. “Hardly.”
“You could charm the evil out of the Defiled,” Espada laughed before draining nearly half her glass.
Saphira wondered if Espada knew that wine was a bit different than ale. “That’s kind of you to say.” She could feel her cheeks growing hotter by the second. “I’m going to finish up dinner.”
By the time the food was ready to be served, Espada and Goose were laughing up a storm. Saphira set three hearty plates on the table, then strolled over to her daughter’s crib. Marie cooed and reached for Saphira’s finger, gripping it tight so as not to fall over.
“You’re so smart!” Saphira said in a high-pitched timbre. “It’s time for dinner!” She reached down and picked Marie up, cradling her in her arms as she approached the table in the living room. It was perfect for the occasion. She’d tried to share dinner with her daughter at the dinner table, but it had proven difficult with its height.
“Thank you for the meal,” Espada said with a nod. She’d finished her wine before dinner and didn’t seem any worse for wear. The same amount would’ve seen Saphira sleeping on the floor within minutes.
“Yeah, thanks!” Goose said.
“You’re welcome,” Saphira smiled as she took a seat across from Espada and Goose. Bouncing Marie on her knee, she plucked a fork from the table, skewered the steamed meozuna greens, and hovered the vegetable over Marie’s head. “Oh, look what I got you!” The kitten batted the air for her mother’s food, grabbing hold of Saphira’s wrist after the third attempt. Marie guided the fork to her mouth, nibbling on the soft veggie, and her tiny ears perked straight up. “Oh, what a good girl! Mommy’s little kitten is so smart!”
Goose and Espada watched with smiles on their faces as they picked at their food. Saphira continued to spoon and fork her food, sharing every other bite with Marie. To her relief, Marie was not a picky eater—Saphira’s mother had always liked to tease her about how fussy she was as a kitten.
“I can’t believe how fast she’s growing,” Goose commented while she wiped at her mouth with a handkerchief.
“I know, isn’t she beautiful?” Saphira glowed. “I love her with all of my heart and soul.” She and Marie touched foreheads, eliciting an excited coo from the kitten.
“It’s still so weird to me that Matt left,” Goose continued. “He’s such a…unique man.”
That was the perfect word for Matt. Saphira had never heard of a man traveling the other islands so quickly, nor had she ever heard of one working with the neighboring islands. It wasn’t unheard of, but she pined for Matt’s smile, his laugh, and his embrace. His presence brought so much hope and life to Junonia, and his absence was sorely felt.
Every day spent without him was another day Saphira spent worrying for his safety. As strong as he was, she feared that his kindness and consideration could bring him harm.
I hope you’re okay, Matt.
Espada snorted. “I can think of a few other words for him.”
Saphira guided another spoonful of potatoes into Marie’s mouth. “What do you mean?”
“We got off to a rough start.” She pushed her empty plate forward and leaned back against the sofa. “I was already pis—” She hesitated, glanced at Marie, then coughed into her fist. “I was in a bad mood that day. So I told him off when he tried to barter.”
Saphira gasped. “Espada!”
In a rare moment, Espada looked uncomfortable. “I work hard on my craft, and I wasn’t about to let him take advantage of me just because he was a man.”
“But they’re here to protect us.”
“I get that,” Espada said, her tone lowering, “I’ve just seen others who flaunt their influence, and I’m not okay with that.”
“I hope you apologized later.”
Espada blinked. “Sure. Yeah, I did.”
Saphira wasn’t quite sure if Espada was telling the truth, but she decided not to pry. “Well, it sounds like you’re on good terms now, then.”
Espada shrugged. “I think so. I gave him a few pointers when I had time.”
“You mean when it was convenient,” Goose jabbed Espada between the ribs playfully. “I know what those words really mean.”
Espada shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Sure you do.”
Marie grabbed one of Saphira’s bangs and pulled her closer. “Aauuooo?”
“Sweetie, you’re hurting Mommy,” Saphira said as she unhooked her daughter’s hand from her hair. She giggled and used her free hand to fix her hair. “You know, I’ve always wondered, Espada.”
“Hm?”
“What brought you to Ni Island? You know so much about weapons and armor, and you learn things so much faster than I would.” She tilted her head inquisitively. “Where did you learn?”
Espada didn’t answer immediately. “I used to work in Nyarlothep as a smith.”
“I knew it!” Goose cried.
A warning glance escaped the corner of Espada’s eyes. Goose quieted, and she continued, “I got tired of my work there and decided to come here instead.”
“A fresh start?”
“You could say that,” she said quickly. Her tone was flat and snappy. “I guess I just got tired of the politics and making weapons and armor for those who didn’t deserve them.”
“Well, I’m glad you decided to come to Ni Island,” Saphira smiled. This was a sensitive topic for Espada, that much she could tell. It was time to let the matter drop. What did it matter, anyway? “It wouldn’t be the same without you.”
Espada’s easy smile returned. “Thanks.”
The room was warm and comforting. As the conversation continued, Saphira eventually let Marie walk around under the condition that Goose sat on the floor with her. It was much easier to keep an eye on a curious kitten with multiple people. The three of them played with Marie, and when it was her bedtime, Saphira placed her daughter back in her crib and kissed her forehead.
“Thank you again for dinner,” Espada said. “It’s been a while since I had such a nice home-cooked meal.”
“You’re so welcome!” Saphira clapped her hands together. “We should do this again sometime.”
“I agree! Maybe next time I’ll bring the meat,” Goose said. “Fresh kill and all that.”
“As long as I don’t have to, well, prepare it.” Saphira swallowed hard. She couldn’t imagine being the one responsible for skinning and bisecting an Encroacher for food. She always left that to the butchers.
“Don’t worry. I could never ask you to do that.”
“Then it’s a plan!”
Espada and Goose waved their farewells, and Saphira shut the door behind them, leaning against its surface when they were gone. The room was quiet now, with only the crackling of the hearth and her daughter’s snores to keep her company. For a few moments, she couldn’t wipe the smile off of her face. She had the family she always dreamed of. Marie was every bit the blessing from Saoirse she imagined.
But the longer she stared, the longer she listened, the more empty the room started to feel. Her hands clenched into fists behind her, and her longing for Marie’s father heightened.
I wish you could see your daughter right now, Matt.
Espada Pro Tip: It was good to see you, Saphira. Don't be a stranger, okay? Let me know if your tools need maintenance.
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(As always, flyers are out Wednesdays, most store sales for the new flyer start on Thursdays)
Adonis

• Crab section (thawed) - $7.77 per lb -- Interesting! Could be fun for making neat meals!
• Coho salmon fillet - $7.77 per lb -- Wow! That's a great price for salmon!
• Sea bass (fresh, free cleaning) - $7.99 per lb -- Fair price for fresh fish.
• Basa filet (thawed) - $4.99 per lb -- Nice! It's not fresh filet, but it's a good price,.
• Chicken thighs (boneless skinless) - $5.99 per lb -- Not amazing, but ok for boneless chicken.
• Grain-fed veal blade roast - $5.99 per lb -- Interesting! It's a more tender cut, more delicate flavour, which might be nice!
• Beef eye of round - $6.99 per lb -- Good and fair price for eye of round. It's possible to find it for less, but it's a hunt. This is a regular Adonis deal.
• Rib-eye steak - $17.99 per lb -- Makes me think of a post I saw this week of a standard prime rib roast in Calgary sold at $55/kg, 27/lb or something. Which is crazy!
• Red greenhouse tomatoes - $0.99 per lb -- Awesome! Great price for tomatoes, but I found the other produce prices advertised were a little lackluster.
• Apricots (fresh) - $4.99 per lb -- Low-ish price for fresh apricots.
• Brick cheese (Cracker Barrel) - $5.77 400g bar -- Not under $5, but still worth snagging a bar if it means skipping a trip elsewhere.
• Cheese Counter - Canadian feta - $1.99 per 100g -- Nice! $2/100g for feta is good.
• Cheese Counter - Tuma - $2.29 per 100g -- Interesting! "Tuma cheese is renowned for its delicate mild milk flavour, and its smooth, velvety and firm texture."
• Cheese Counter - Akawi - $2.29 per 100g -- Ahh, this is a lovely cheese. Not cheap, but it's good stuff!
• Cheese Counter - Fior de latte - $2.29 per 100g -- Good price. This is the stuff you need for a Caprese salad!
• Pâté (Bretagne) - $5.00 for 2 150g packs -- Great price! These regularly go for $4 or so.
• Deli - Chicken breast (Solmaz) - $1.79 per 100g -- Nice!
• Deli - Smoked ham (Olymel) - $1.49 per 100g -- Excellent!
• Deli - Turkey breast (Alzahraa) - $1.49 per 100g -- More great deli!
• Deli - Prosciutto (Negroni) - $2.79 per 100g -- Ah! Nice! Different brand, same great prosciutto price!
• Walnuts and mixed nuts (Cedar) - $4.99 454g bag -- Nice! That's cheap!
• Almonds (Cedar) - $5.99 454g bag -- Good price for almonds!
• Pistachios (roasted, salted, Cedar) - $12.99 454g bag -- Pistachio prices are a little funny. $10/lb is really the price to aim for, but this isn't far off. And it's not uncommon to see 200-250g bags for $7-8 or more.
• Produce Price Rating: Medium, but always has well-priced chicken, the deli meat sale rotations are always fantastic, and just the overall variety of goods is refreshing. Personal favourite store.

Farm Boy

• Chicken breast (boneless skinless) - $5.99 per lb -- Fair price for chicken breast.
• Wild-caught Argentinian shrimp (23-30ct) - $7.99 340g bag -- This is a good rate on decent shrimp!
• Fresh sausage deal - $5.99 500g packs -- Nice little sausage deal here. Fresh sausage avoids the preservatives!
• Mini cucumbers - $5.00 for 2 6-packs -- Good price for mini cucumber.
• Fiddleheads (fresh daily) - $5.99 per lb -- Neat! These are fun to see on the shelf. Try a fun seasonal item!
• Hothouse tomatoes - $1.49 per lb -- Good price for tomatoes!
• Eggplant - $1.49 per lb -- Great price for eggplant! Often $2/lb or more!
• Zucchini - $1.49 per lb -- Good price zucch! You can find them for less, but you'll have to hunt for it.
• Green onion - $0.77 per bunch -- Nice! It's crazy to be happy about green onions for under $1…
• Blueberries - $2.99 full pint -- Ad is for 473g pints. This is a great deal! Worth snagging some!
• Produce Price Rating: High

Farmers Pick (can be a little late on their flyer) (https://www.farmerspick.ca/flyer-specials)
Food Basics

• Ground chicken (lean, Zabiha) - $3.88 450g pack -- Great price for ground chicken!
• Pork side rib - $2.98 per lb -- Good price for pork rib!
• Pork tenderloin - $2.98 per lb -- Great price for tenderloin. More often found for $4/lb.
• Fresh beef burger patties - $4.00 4-pack -- These are 1/4lb patties, meaning we're clocking in at $4/lb, which is honestly pretty good! Season them up and grill! There's also Selection 8-pack of buns on sale for 1.77. So, that's basically $10 for 8 burgers. That's value!
• Asparagus - $1.98 per lb -- Excllent! This is a great price! And it's not even the 340g bunches, no, this is per lb!
• Sweet peppers - $2.98 4-pack -- Nice!
• Sweet potato and sweet purple potato - $1.28 per lb -- Fair price for sweet potatoes. It's fun to see purple ones get lumped into the same bracket.
• Coleslaw kit (Green Giant) - $5.00 for 2 340g kits -- Great price for salad kits.
• Mini potatoes - $2.98 5lb bag -- Good price for mini potatoes!
• Strawberries - $1.67 454g shell -- WOW! Cross our fingers they're nice AND cheap!
• Cherries - $5.98 per lb -- Decent price for cherries. I like making homemade yogurt popsicles with fresh cherries. Bit if a pain in the ass to pit, but so worth it.
• Brick cheese (Selection) - $4.44 400g bar -- Nice! Sub-$5 bricks!
• Salametti (Matro) - $6.49 300g chubs -- May include other varieties
• Baby genoa (Mastro) - $8.99 600g chub? -- Hard to read the ad, but this is a good deal for a big chub of genoa!
• Mortadella (San Daniele) - $8.99 750g chub -- Works out to $1.20/100g, which is a substantial savings compared to the deli counter or buying it presliced and packed!
• BBQ Sauce and Mustard (Selection) - $1.00 each -- Nice! I personally love mustard and a good BBQ sauce. Might be nice to stock up for that burger night!
• Chips (Irresistibles) - $1.00 150g bag -- I usually don't point out chips and seed-oil-snacks, but this is a great deal!
• Produce Price Rating: Low to medium low

FoodLand

• Beef top sirloin steaks (AAA) - $7.99 per lb -- Great price for AAA steaks. Top sirloin isn't the best place to get a steak cut, but it could be fine. Have a look in-store and judge for yourself.
• Shrimp (31-40ct, Compliments) - $6.99 per lb -- Good price for shrimp, but note that these are small.
• Bar scallops (80-120ct, Compliments) - $6.99 per lb -- These are quite small, but they could be interesting to thaw, pat dry, and sear quick on high heat for use in salads. Or perhaps as a top to a risotto?
• Cucumber - $0.99 each -- Scene Member Price.
• Corn - $5.00 for 5 years -- $1 an ear!?!#@! Are they mad?! Do they not watch the news about boycotts and how consumers are pissed? And then you're going to charge them $1 for an ear of corn? My goodness…
• Produce Price Rating: Medium-high to high.

Freshco (price matcher)

• Bacon (Schneider's) - $3.99 375g pack -- Good price for brandname bacon. Sale also extends to some of their wieners and bologna.
• Frozen burgers (Compliments) - $9.99 1.13kg box (8-pack) -- This stretches us down into a $3/lb mark for beef. Which is pretty good all things considered, but know it's a processed meat. Read the ingredients: beef, water, bread crumb, soya flour, and salt and seasoning. You're paying for recovered meat mixed with bread crumb and flour. And the nutritional info on the pack reads 73% daily value of sat-fat in one 142g burger. A 152g fresh patty lands you at 60%. Know your food!
• Wild-caught Argentinian shrimp (23-30ct) - $6.99 300g bag -- This is a good rate on decent shrimp!
• Sweet peppers - $2.99 4-pack -- Nice!
• Mushrooms - $2.99 454g shell -- Great price!
• Green beans - $1.99 per lb -- Awesome price for green beans!
• Royal Gala apples - $1.49 per lb -- Good price for a nice apple variety. However, you can also sometimes score these for $1/lb if you wait and dig around for the sale.
• Blueberries - $2.49 full pint -- Nice! Another great blueberry sale!
• Produce Price Rating: Low to medium low (more on the medium side)

Giant Tiger (*note the VIP prices; sales begin today) (price matcher)

• Hotdog wieners (Olymel) - $2.47 375g 5-pack -- Sigh… Good price for wieners, but still… Don't overdo it. These are categorically terrible for you!
• Ambrosia apples - $2.88 3lb bag -- Great deal on a tasty apple variety that hits that $1/lb mark!
• Blueberries - $2.88 full pint -- Man! So many blueberry deals! Where are these coming from?!
• Romaine lettuce - $2.88 3-pack -- Nice! Fair price for romaine hearts.
• Baby spinach - $1.97 140g bin -- Good price for 140g. The prices of these bins are the weights are all over the place. Some places charge $4 for the same bin. And then some others charge $4 for 300g bins. Treat carefully!
• Canned tomatoes (Primo) - $3.00 for 2 796ml cans -- Good price for nice tomatoes. Funny enough, in this week's flyer, they advertise the Great Value (housebrand) tomatoes for 1.77 being 50c, but if you buy two Primo cans they work out to 50c less than the Great Value (confused yet? Lol)
• Fireworks - various -- LOL I just wanted to mention they got fireworks and firecrackers hahaha
• Produce Price Rating: Generally on the low side.

Green Fresh Supermarket (Vanier) (check https://greenfreshottawa20.wixsite.com/greenfreshottawa)

• Produce Price Rating: Usually very competitive, catering to Asian cuisine. Warning: their newest sales start on Fridays - so this is a late advertising of their sales.

IGA (price matcher)

• Hotdog wieners (Lafleur) - $5.00 for 2 packs 375-450g -- More hot dog prices for our analysis. I'm noting these to get a sense of what the heck is going on with these….
• Lobster (cooked or live) - $7.75 per lb -- Scene Member Price. 9.75/lb regular. Awesome deal!
• Tomahawk steak - $13.99 per lb -- That's pretty good for a fancy steak cut. I like thick cut steak because you can get that and crust without overcooking the meat. Pro tip: always salt and set your steak uncovered to dry in the fridge. That's what gets you a top-notch crust!
• Veal loin rack - $13.99 per lb -- This is more interesting than a value proposition. Expect a decent-sized rack to run you a pretty penny, but it should cook nicely. Remember to let it rest after it reaches the desired internal temp. Be patient!
• Whole chicken (fresh) - $1.99 per lb -- Great price!!
• Eggs (Nutri, Burnbrae) - $5.79 18-pack -- Not a ground-breaker price. Maybe it's just nice see some price stability in egg prices.
• Corn - $4.00 for 10 ears -- Excellent deal at 40c an ear!
• Cherries - $4.99 per lb -- Awesome!!! Cherries can easily reach into the $8-9/lb range.
• Bologna (Lesters) - $5.49 675g chub -- This is a good price for a chub. It's not fancy deli, but it beats the prices by 2-3x or more given you're paying 81c/100g.
• Deli - Cooked ham (Olymel) - $1.99 per 100g -- Speaking of deli prices, consider this unholy monolith slab of ham versus that slice-it-yourself bologna. This "hamalgum sibling" is 2.5x the price of the bologna by Lesters… Just saying…
• Produce Price Rating: Medium

Independent

• Pork back rib - $3.99 per lb -- Meh price for pork rib… $3/lb is good, but $4/lb doesn't seem worth it when it's largely bone anyway! I'd rather buy the duck they have for $4/lb….
• Atlantic salmon - $9.99 per lb -- Average price for pink fish.
• Beef striploin steaks (AA) - $7.88 per lb -- Good enough price for steaks, but FoodLand had AAA grade for the same price.
• Duck (fresh, grade A) - $3.99 per lb -- Good rate for duck.
• Asparagus - $2.99 per lb -- Meh rate. There's better.
• Strawberries - $2.49 454g shell -- Good price for strawberries.
• Butter (Lactantia) - $5.99 454g bar -- Sigh… I wish butter would come down in price…
• Produce Price Rating: fairly high with few exceptions

Loblaws

• Pork back rib - $3.99 per lb -- Meh price for pork rib… $3/lb is good, but $4/lb doesn't seem worth it when it's largely bone anyway! I'd rather buy the duck they have for $4/lb….
• Atlantic salmon - $9.99 per lb -- Average price for pink fish.
• Beef striploin steaks (AA) - $8.88 per lb -- Ben là là! Same AA steak, $1/lb more…
• Beef boneless blade roast (AA) - $8.99 per lb -- Ok price for beef… It's kind of meh… Consider visiting local butchers to see what they have going on.
• Duck (fresh, grade A) - $3.99 per lb -- Good rate for duck.
• Sweet potatoes - $3.99 5lb bag -- Great price for sweet potatoes
• Mini-cucumbers - $1.99 6-pack -- "Save $2". Ya, we know Loblaws. I've been saving $2 on these packs for months now at other stores.
• Blueberries - $1.99 full pint -- Great price for blueberries!
• Mango - $0.99 each -- Fair price for mango considering I've seen Loblaws charge much more for them. Also, I expect we'll see some nice sub-$1 deals in the future.
• Butter (Lactantia) - $5.99 454g bar -- More $6 butter.
• Produce Price Rating: fairly high with few exceptions

Provigo

• Pork chops - $2.49 per lb -- Good price for pork chops.
• Chicken breast and thighs (boneless skinless) - $4.99 per lb -- Good price chicken.
• Atlantic salmon - $8.99 per lb -- Good price for pink fish.
• Corn - $5.00 4-pack -- What?! How can we have these disparities… Maxi has theirs for 33c an ear. That's $1.30 versus $5 for 4 ears… Insane difference in price…
• Watermelon (9lb average) - $3.88 each -- Nice price for watermelon.
• Mango - $0.99 each -- That $1 deal again. "Save $2". Meaning regular price was $3. Insanity.
• Deli - Mock chicken (Gaspésien) - $1.29 per 100g -- Good price for deli, but it's mock chicken. I would refer back to the IGA deal on Lesters bologna. Buy whole chubs, slice it yourself, and save.
• Produce Price Rating: fairly high with few exceptions

Maxi (price matcher)

• Ground beef (medum) - $8.88 1.1kg -- About 2.5lb of beef, which clocks this in at about 3.50/lb. That's pretty good!
• Corn - $0.33 per ear -- Awesome price for corn! It's crazy. Provigo had their 4-packs for $5. Which
• Mini-cucumbers - $0.88 6-pack -- Very nice! A regular "good deal" is $2.
• Coleslaw kit (Florette) - $1.88 340g kit -- Great deal for a salad kit.
• Potatoes (Imperfect) - $4.88 15lb bag -- Excellent!!
• Mini-carrots - $4.88 2lb bag -- This is a good deal given a 2/3lb bag can be $2-3.
• Watermelon - $2.88 each -- Nice price for watermelon, but no weight advertised.
• Kiwis - $4.88 600g pack -- Pretty good. Can be as low as $4, but this is a fair price.
• Apples (Cortland, Empire) - $5.88 4lb bag -- Ok price for what should be over-winter apples. Mind the bruising.
• Fancy cheese deal - $18.00 for 3 -- Check the flyer and in-store for more details.
• Sriracha (Flying Goose) - $3.88 730ml bottle -- Nice! It's a different brand, but the price is right. I wonder what the difference is.
• Silk plant bev - $6.88 for 2 1.75-1.89L jugs -- Good deal.
• White vinegar - $2.88 for 2 4L jugs -- This might be good to get in advance of some pickling plans.
• Produce Price Rating: Generally medium low pricing! This store can post some impressive deals at times.

Metro

• Pork back rib - $2.99 per lb -- Good price for pork rib. It's that magical $3/lb mark. It's hard to find rib for less. And, I wouldn't pay over $3/lb.
• Beef top sirloin steak or roast (AAA) - $6.88 per lb -- Great price for AAA grade beef! They also have "platinum angus medallions" for 8.88/lb.
• Fresh sausage - $4.99 per lb -- Great price for fresh sausage. You can spend $1/lb more and get organic stuff by Dubreton.
• Cucumber - $0.77 each -- Awesome!!!
• Cauliflower - $2.99 each -- Decent. Not amazing, but decent given a head can go for $4-5 easily.
• Portabella mushrooms (Belle Grove) - $6.99 4-pack -- Hmm, I'll have to keep an eye out for prices on portabellas. This doesn't seem that bad off the hop. I know sometimes you can get 4-6 packs for about $4-5, though. But, you have to hunt around town for deals like that.
• Blueberries - $1.99 full pint -- Great price for blueberries!
• Cherries - $5.99 per lb -- Nice! Fair sale price for cherries!
• Watermelon (15lb average) - $9.99 each -- Trying to make sense of these watermelon prices. This isn't as good as some other deals. But considering on the same page they advertise 1.49/lb for sliced watermelon, it suggests this watermelon could cost you up to $22.
• Butter (Selection) - $4.88 454g bar -- $5 butter.
• Produce Price Rating: High. Kinda like Sobeys. You can see a 50% average mark-up compared to a lot of other stores. It's nice produce, but it costs you.

No Frills (price matcher)

• Beef burgers (No Name) - $9.99 1.36kg 12-pack -- Just more frozen burger musing. Basically much like the Compliments ones we saw earlier, but 113g each, but with more sugars and funny ingredients, and the same amount of sat-fat! (And they skip mentioning that 75%-ish daily value number for the sat-fat). Like, what the heck are "onion extract" and "corn syrup solids". Do they squeeze the onion and throw away the rind? And isn't solid syrup just solid sugar? lol....
• T-bone/Wing steak - $6.99 per lb -- This might seem like a good deal, but it's ungraded beef. Why pay this price when metro has AAA-grade steaks for a smidge less?
• Picnic pork shoulder - $2.44 per lb -- Excellent price! These are AWESOME for smoking and braising for pulled pork!
• Ground chicken or turkey - $8.00 870g pack -- Not bad. Works out to about $4.20/lb or so.
• Ground beef (lean) - $6.00 450g tube -- Really a meh price for "tube meat".
• Steelhead trout fillet - $9.99 per lb -- Standard pricing for pink fish.
• Asparagus - $2.99 per lb -- Ok price for asparagus. I expect better from No Frills.
• Green beans - $2.99 per lb -- Same with the green beans, I expect a bit better.
• Cucumber - $0.99 each -- Good price for cucumber.
• Mini-cucumber - $3.99 11-pack -- Fair price on the 11-pack. Meanwhile, Maxi has the 6-pack for 88c… Sigh…
• Watermelon (9lb average) - $2.99 each -- Good price for melon.
• Ataulfo mangoes - $5.64 5lb case -- This should work out to about 8 or so mangoes. Good deal.
• Pineapple - $2.99 each -- Good price for pineapple.
• Brick cheese (Armstrong) - $5.49 400g bar -- Hmm, ya, seeing some 50c to $1 upward pressure on cheese pricing a little everywhere….
• Earth's Own plant bev - $3.79 1.74-1.89L jug -- Good price. Regular floats well into the $5-ish ranges.
• Dry pasta (Italpasta) - $1.25 750g packs -- Good price for dry pasta. Stock up a little. Maybe there's a potluck pasta salad in your future.
• Produce Price Rating: Generally quite low, selectively amazing for some items.

Produce Depot (usually a little late on the flyer) https://producedepot.ca/

• Ground beef (lean) - $4.99 per lb -- Fair rate for ground beef. Considering No Frills is selling 450g tube meat for $6, I'd buy this in a heartbeat. It's just not stock-up pricing.
• Beef New York striploin steak - $12.99 per lb -- I wish they'd mention the grade, but if it looks nice, it could make for a nice BBQ item.
• Whole atlantic salmon (fresh) - $6.99 per lb -- Now, it's not filet and deboned, but it's a heckin' deal for salmon.
• Wild-caught squid - $8.99 per lb -- Perhaps there's calamari in your future?
• Hothouse tomatoes - $1.29 per lb -- Great price for tomatoes!
• Green and red leaf lettuce - $1.69 per head -- Great price for leafy greens!
• Sweet orange peppers - $0.99 per lb -- AWESOME price for peppers!!!
• Brussel sprouts - $1.49 per lb -- Fantastic price for brussel sprouts! Often over $3/lb.
• Blackberries - $1.49 half pint -- Good deal for blackberries. Lots of blueberries going around, though.
• Red seedless grapes - $1.99 per lb -- Fantastic price for grapes! Often $4/lb.
• Peaches - $2.49 per lb -- These are from the USA. It could be a they come out a little tough. Leave them on the counter to ripen, but eat them fast after that!
• Cheese counter - Landana smoked cheese - $2.39 per 100g -- I'm partial to smoked cheese. This could make for a nice fancy burger topping.
• Deli - Genoa salami (Mastro) - $2.59 per 100g -- This isn't fantastic pricing, but fair. A 600g chub can clock in at $10-12 or so, this deli counter pricing is fairly competitive.
• Produce Price Rating: Medium-low with very competitive specials on a shortened flyer. The small flyer is nice because it doesn't uselessly feature $6 heads of cauliflower and extremely high-price items that are either a confusion on the consumer, or an insult on the injury of not being able to afford supreme quality items.

Real Canadian Superstore (price matcher)

• Beef rib-steak (ungraded) - $7.88 per lb -- More ungraded beef at graded prices.
• Pork tenderloin - $3.49 per lb -- Fair price for tenderloin.
• Duck (frozen, grade A) - $3.99 per lb -- Fairly regular price for duck.
• Golden Pompano (frozen) - $2.88 per lb -- This is advertised a lot at the RCSS. I've never seen it elsewhere. Does anyone have experience with it?
• Dressed Tilapia (frozen) - $2.88 per lb -- Dressed means tail and fines removed,
• Potatoes - $5.50 10lb bag -- Great price for potatoes.
• Corn - $0.40 per ear -- Awesome price for corn. This is probably loss-leader territory.
• Watermelon (11lb average) - $3.99 each -- Good price for a big melon.
• Pineapple - $3.00 each -- Good price for pineapple.
• Produce Price Rating: Generally medium-low pricing, selectively amazing for some items.

Sobeys

• Chicken thighs (boneless skinless) - $5.99 per lb -- Fair price for boneless chicken. There's better out there, however.
• Beef striploin steaks (AA) - $8.77 per lb -- Scene Member Price.
• Beef sirloin tip roast or marinating steaks (AAA) - $8.99 per lb -- Hmm, striploin AA versus sirloin tip AAA… Might be a toss up. Sirloin is leaner and has less marbling. But AAA might lend to a tenderness. This may be give and take, here…
• Lobster (live) - $10.99 per lb -- Scene Member Price.
• Pork chops - $3.49 per lb -- Not a great price, really, but it may be your option if you're stuck with Sobey's this week. Ad mentions it includes roasts.
• Picnic pork shoulder - $3.49 per lb -- We saw No Frills offereing this at 2.44/lb. A $1/lb more isn't great, admittedly. But, it's an option.
• Asparagus - $2.44 per lb -- Good price!
• Green beans - $2.67 per lb -- Good price!
• Bok choy - $0.99 per lb -- Amazing price. I don't get how other places charge $2/lb+ for choy, and then you have Sobeys of all stores swooping in to corner that side of the market.
• Asian pears - $0.99 per lb -- Awesome price!
• Brick cheese (Cracker Barrel) - $5.77 400g bar -- More of this elevated cheese pricing… Hmm….
• Produce Price Rating: Generally a high price store, especially for produce. Some items are 50% more than more value-oriented stores. Kinda like Metro, some of the deals can be quite good.

Super C

• Chicken breast (boneless skinless) - $4.44 per lb -- Awesome price!!
• Atlantic salmon - $9.88 per lb -- Standard sale price for pink fish.
• Pork tenderloin (marinated) - $3.44 per lb -- Good price. Not amazing. But, pre-marinated? Hmm, makes for an easy meal.
• Corn - $1.88 for 5 ears -- Awesome price!! Under 40c an ear!
• Broccoli - $1.33 per crown -- Very good price for broc, especially if the crowns are nice. A good crown can easily range over $2.
• Radishes - $0.99 per bunch -- Nice! A good addition to salads or veg trays.
• Green onions - $0.99 per bunch -- Fair price for green onion. It's hard to find it under $1.
• Mini-carrots - $0.99 340g bag -- Nice!
• Mini-cucumbers - $1.99 6-pack -- Fair going-rate now for mini cuce. A very welcome change from charging $4 for these packs.
• Mini-potatoes - $1.99 3lb bag -- Good price for mini potatoes. There's still better value in regular size potatoes most of the time. But, sometimes, these sales can negate that value proposition. Plus, these are nice a thousands ways to Sunday. They cook very quickly, and are great oven-roasted, steamed, and BBQ'ed with other veg.
• Apples (Empire, Spartan) - $3.99 3lb bag -- Fair price for apples these days, it seems. I think we'll be hard-pressed to find certain varieties for under $1/lb for a while.
• Strawberries - $1.63 454g shell -- Awesome price!!!
• Pineapple - $1.88 each -- Fantastic!
• Oranges - $2.99 3lb bag -- Good price for oranges!
• Mangos - $0.99 each -- Good price. Mangoes should clock in at around $1 each. Enough of these $2-3 mangos…
• Cantaloupe - $2.99 each -- Good price/fair sale price for cantaloupe.
• Cherries - $4.99 per lb -- Wow! Great price for cherries!!!
• Brick cheese (Black Diamond, Ptit Quebec) - $4.87 400g bar -- Nice to see we still ahve sub-$5 cheese options this week.
• Fancy cheese deal - $18.00 for 3 -- Apparently includes 20 different varieties.
• Produce Price Rating: Generally low, but can creep into medium for some items. But, there's always something decent available!

T&T Supermarket https://www.tntsupermarket.com

• Produce Price Rating: Usually very competitive, catering to Asian cuisine. Warning: their newest sales start on Fridays - so this is a late advertising of their sales.

Walmart

• Ground beef (lean) - $3.97 per lb -- Excellent rate on ground beef! Make your own burgers!!!!
• Chicken or Pork kabobs (Marcangelo) - $7.87 480-640g 8-packs -- It's basically $1 a kabob. That ain't bad for a ready-to-cook item. But, note that this translates essentially into 8/lb at worst, or 5.50/lb at best. There are WAY better deals on pork and chicken around.
• Asparagus - $2.97 per lb -- Fair price for asparagus.
• Corn - $0.32 per ear -- Best price on corn this week!
• Potatoes - $4.97 10lb bag -- Good price for a 10lb bag.
• Coleslaw kit - $2.77 397g kit -- Good price for a decent-size slaw kit.
• Strawberries - $1.84 454g shell -- Awesome price!!!
• Pineapple - $3.97 each -- Not bad. I like to see $3, and less shouldn't be taken for granted. Remember, it takes 2 years to grow a pineapple. One bad fungal disease and we should see these shoot up to $6-8 a piece. Treasure well-priced pineapple!
• Brick cheese (Armstrong) - $4.94 400g bar -- Another $5 brick cheese sale.
• Produce Price Rating: A little all over the place. Some really good prices between a lot of average pricing.

Costco (Note that these are the online/shipped prices - reduce each item by $3 for in-store pricing)

• NOTE: NEED TO REVISE - --
• Paper Towel (Kirkland) - $27.99 12-roll pack -- 2-ply; 160 sheets
• Paper Towel (Bounty) - $27.49 12-roll pack -- 2-ply; 86 sheets
• Toilet Paper (Kirkland) - $25.99 30-roll pack -- 2-ply; 380 sheets
• Toilet Paper (Cashmere) - $24.99 40-roll pack -- 2-ply; 250 sheets (on sale)
• Dish soap (Dawn Platinum) - $18.99 2.66L -- Food Basics often has this jug for $10!
• Laundry detergent (Purex) - $24.99 9.24L -- 250 loads
• Garbage bags (30 gallon; large) - $15.99 100-pack -- Amazon has Glad standard 74L bags, 100-packs for $23, sometimes less if on sale
• Countertop green bin liners - $21.99 125-pack -- Amazon has Glad Compostable green bin liners 100-packs for $18, sometimes less if on sale
• Produce Price Rating: I need to do a proper check to be sure, but I find it's pretty average. There's an illusion of getting a good deal because of the bulk. Just be careful.

Jean Coutu (new sales start Fridays)

• Produce Price Rating: I have to start checking these just in case...

Shoppers Drug Mart (new sales start Fridays)

• Produce Price Rating: Sometimes they have cheap butter, eggs, and milk on weekends.

Some additional references!

• Grocery Review Google Drive Location https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1xhLvBP1smXb1eSnxAW5yyBjO2aYFLJHC?usp=sharing
• Cooking Tips and Recipes https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1TCcHm9y0kWIa3x18hznKN2ix0BPcUv-m?usp=drive_link
• Google Maps list of the Grocery stores in Ottawa https://maps.app.goo.gl/YT7cZmv8vMQWU4J59

Me and the wife of 23 years married,and even more as friends. HS sweethearts and welcomed our first child in 2017.Just an amazing Mother and could not ask for better.(like at all).She's THAT mom.took a year off work to be with our new born,until her job gave her a fat raise ,basically begging for her to come back.worked at the same company for 10+years,in child care with 1 year olds, became lead teacher and one point the face of the company t.v ad.
The kid never had a wet diaper for more than 2 minutes. I was just a follower now and just obeyed the process.I was to only work,and when home,wait for instruction(when it came to the child). Which I did so in compliance.The kid had started flash cards in their crib at 3 months. Never had bottled food or cereal as I was instructed to cook chicken,sweet potato,carrots and onions then blend it for their meals.And when it was time for bed ,we'd be sleeping together. All 3 of us, leaving no room or time for intimacy. Before the kid we were like rabbits on an island who didn't even bother to get dressed. But now it's just dirty and ick while the kid takes up our day and energy,as it should in my opinion. (Or groomed opinion).
She returned back to work,even got a sweet deal for our son even to go there. It was a much needed chapter for us,as it was all she talked about was having a kid.Mind you were this far now and haven't had any sex,and I just brush it off cause I kinda like catering to the kid and her. Then the unfortunate happens,she had a stroke in early 2023 that just crushed our world and took a devastating blow to us and our little "juice box" Kid's nickname.
It's been a year now since the stroke,and of course I'm not gonna even bring up sex.how dare I? Our insurance sucks, do all the care us left to me,and family. Family being the ones who stay with her when I'm at work.they just watch, they don't cook,or change her,move her.All physical,nutritional,medical needs are done by me,while also making sure the kid is well and cared for .it's been almost 3 years now,and never understood the "blue balls" theory until now.only problem is, I have like purple,and it's smooth at the bottom.wtf? I'm no scientist or physician,but NO dude has smooooth balls.i swear, if they get any smoother,the hairs will start self plucking at root.
I scheduled my first appointment ever with my pcp,and hope she can prescribe me with something because what's after purple? I didn't feel any pain or anything .but I need to seek a specialist or something,because some months to a year ago I had something very very weird happen to where I thought we were getting it on,only to have woke up,and realized it was just me and a morning mess.
I need help.tommorow is my scheduled doc visit.and I don't want to bring it up to the wife,as I needn't more stress on her.and I can't find any forums or FAQ of such. Has anyone had this smooth purple tadpole pouch before?

I don't really no where to start. I feel I've lost myself, consumed with anxiety and guilt and fear and regret and I fear, this new fear, that it's going to be the end of me if I don't start to get it out in some way, shape or form.
I guess I'll begin at the beginning...
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I had a difficult childhood with fairly neglectful parents. A mother who openly expressed she never felt she really stepped into her mom shoes until she gave birth to my younger sister, who is three years younger than me. She is my only sibling. My mother told me when I was a kid that she "had to love me", but when my sister came around "she was finally a mother and over the moon", or simply "I always always wanted a girl". I'm not sure if this could be attributed to Post-partum depression, not that she ever researched that or was daignosed with it. That's probably just me trying to pardon my mother or something to the effect. She was 17 when she had me and I'm sure times were different then, my parents both were raised religious, father christian, mother mormon. Maybe their guilt. I ask myself why they brought me into this world if I wasn't wanted to begin with. Or, give me up for adoption to a set of guardians that would have loved me better. I know I was an accident and that's not what gets me down, I get that life be lifing and what happened happened. My difficulties stem from the feeling that my presence never gave my mother any sense of purpose, responsibility or love, or concern. She was emotionally unavailable to me virtually my entire life and I feel like that caused many issues later in my life and how I perceive myself and what I deserve. Coupled with the fact that my neglect met such extremes that I am frankly shocked that I was never picked up by child care services, maybe things were different in the 90's. I'm not sure, I was just a child then.
Much of my upbringing I didn't receive a lot of the things most people would consider essential. As a baby my crib was the sock drawer, then I grew large enough to have a closet, then slept on the floor of a walk-in closet, then I had a single bed from what I recall for maybe a year or maybe two years and I remember feeling metal springs poke me in the my ribs and I recall it being uncomfortable enough for me to move back to sleeping on the floor next to the ratty old used mattress my father found from who knows where. I remember feeling like I had to keep that secret, that the mattress they gave me was uncomfortable enough for me to sneak sleeping on the floor next to it. I think I was really afraid as coming across as ungrateful. My father came from a third world country, so the "gratefullness issue" was address frequently by my mom because "I don't have it even half as bad as what my father had to endure. And she was probably right. But it just silenced me ultimately, didn't put things into a mature context for me. I just learned that I can't complain about anything ever. Anyway, that trend didn't really change when I grew older. grade 9-10 I was sleeping on the living room couch so my sister could have privacy and a bedroom to exist in for herself - which I realize is important for an individual so I encouraged her to have the bedroom. Although I figured my parents expected me to do this for my sister regardless. I was okay with making sacrfices for those I love, it was instilled in me from a very very young age.
I do feel like my father took advantage of me in the form of labour as well, having to do custodial work with my father from 10pm to 3am, at two highschools I believe he was contracted, at that young age I honestly enjoyed just spending time with my father I think, working alongside him. When I was in grade 2 and 3 I had garbage bag duty for all the students bathrooms, and I remember loving snapping the bags open by rushing air into the bag and making it blow up like a baloon. I remember the scary unlit shadowy hallways that I couldn't perceive the ends of. No bodies to see, it felt eerie but exciting in a way - like it was a whole different world.
School was a different experience for me. It was very stressful, my parents had to move a few times a year because they would dodge rent or just generally be selfish with their dual income. They loved to party hard on the weekends. I remember wondering why my father did this to himself all the time. Hoping that we could spend quality time on a saturday, but he wouldnt get out of bed until just before dinner. I didn't really understand hangovers or alcoholism and how it meant our plans would get cancelled. I think I remember trying to wrap my head around willful self-poisoning for entertainment and how could that be more enjoyable then spending time with your son? I couldn't tell my mother why I was so sad about it. Why I didn't want to move again and again and again. Why I found it so difficult to make new friends everytime I had to switch schools. Why I couldn't just do one single full school year with one class of students. It was so hard and at the time, I didn't know anything different. It was so hard to make friends and I think it created this approach to making a "new family" of friends when I became a teenager and young adult.
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I remember always wanting to be a "good kid". The "best kid" for my parents. I feel like my parents attached this moniker to me that made things harder for me to mature into a rounded adult later in life. My parents always flaunted me as this point of accomplishment, the accomplishment that I was "so extremely well behaved". I would strive to be super polite, and a good host, try to help out when my parents had their friends over, literally fill their cups when the opportunity presented themselves. I think I did this because I must have made the conclusion that if I was quiet, super polite, helpful and useful then I had value. That I could be loved. That I could earn this love from my parents through acts of service.
I remember feeling like my sister and I had extremely different experiences growing up. When my parents were at work I took care of her, cleaned and cooked. one time my sister told my mom to eff off when she was 5 and I was 8. My mind was blown. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had the bravery and courage to defy my mother. Looking back, my sister was just mirroring the language she learned from my parents from whenever they fought. I remembering seriously worrying and getting scared that my father was going to belt her, or use the coat hanger, which was his preference with me. I feel like my mom was always checked out and I'm hurt that she allowed my father to take his rage out on me. That my mom could care less about me being beat, but never my sibling. It was very confusing and difficult for me to process. Not that I really processed it much as a kid. I honestly just wanted to be loved and be the best child possible. Honestly though, 'm seriously so glad that my sister was spared all of that complete non-sense. I don't wish that on anyone in the world. There were some punishments where he would walk in and tell me to pull my pants down without explanation. I have memories of tearing up and saying I didn't know why this was happening, asking what I did wrong and he would just remind me that if I resisted then I would get it worse and to hurry up and get ready. My father has since apologized. I think it is how he was raised. I didn't know what to say in response, but I told him I loved him and it's in the past. But I don't know if I was being honest when I said that. My mother would still gaslight me to this day if any of this became topic of discussion, not that I'm guessing. A year ago she told me that much of my pained memories were false and this never happened. My father on the other hand typically stays pensive and unchallenging.
It seems so damned crazy writing all of this out, it feels like a heartbreaking novel and not my life at all. But it was and is my life. I have difficulties opening up and expressing my feelings and advocating for myself when the moments are true and appropriate to do so. I know it's the healthier way to communicate, but I was literally taught to stay quiet and be useful. Fast forward 20-25 years and I'm going to be 35 and I feel like just ending it all. Every year my birthday passes and I'll get a text from my family happy birthday. But they know I'm in a difficult place, they know I miss them, they know I love them and forgive them, I try the high road whenever I can but I just don't see the point anymore. they won't celebrate my life and existence, but they'll throw family gatherings for each other, birthdays, christmas, fathers day and mothers day.
On that note, another mother's day has recently passed and my mother never invited me over, I texted my father three weeks in advance in hopes of securing a time to come over and celebrate my mothers life with my family as a family. I felt particularly stung this mother's day when they celebrated and didn't text or call to invite me over. I live in the same small town so it's easy to hop over. I literally live three blocks away.
Anyway, my mother was diagnosed with cancer over christmas this year and I have been worrying for my mother ever since and thinking about my life with her and the mortal coil and the finite mount of time I may have with her. I feel like there is a large empty part in my heart that wishes my mother and I could go grab a coffee together. She can show me her ipad app art that she has been really excited about for a couple years now. She loves showing off her digital art and I love seeing her joy and how proud she is about her art. I just don't know why she couldn't feel the same for me, her only son. Maybe I'm just a her dissapointment.
I dropped out of highschool and left the family home when I was 16. I just couldn't work for my dad during the night AND go to highschool AND socialize. Something had to give. Unfortunately it was highschool and my parents didn't really care about that at all. They were just... fine with it. they supported my sister through college and she was fortunately able to graduate with a veterinary degree of sorts. she still lives with them now as she pays off her student debt, but I left and travelled and worked on music for over a decade so I admit that I was entirely out of the family picture for some time. But as I get older, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of my parents I fear that that is precisely what's been creeping up in my life.
five years ago I met the absolute most wonderful human being and I am so lucky to have my partner in my life. She and I are engaged now and set to be married. I hoped that the news would overwhelm my parents with excitement and joy. Maybe a facebook post about their son, share some family pictures or something. But they did nothing at all. I think they showed off pictures of the trip to Mexico that week instead.
I just don't really understand how I'm this unworthy of their love and unfortunately now I'm realizing that illusion that I am unworthy has infected my relationship with my fiance. I love her so much but when I can't fix everything in her life I feel like I am the failure and the guilt overhelms me so much and the guilt is such a strong motivator for me, and it usually motivates me into becoming the biggest doormat in the world. I've never worked harder for a relationship or invested this much energy. I feel she deserves it. But I don't advocate for myself. So I build up resentment. Like I clean the house constantly and work and help bail out of her bad spending habits and cover her rent without question and this and that. To be clear, she doesn't take advantage of me and that's not how I feel about it. But I do let this annoyance build up inside of me because I don't know how to communicate my feelings in a healthy way. I'm scared I'll lose the person if I speak up, or I'll be gaslit. Again, that's not my partner that gaslights. That's just generally how I feel I'll be treated if I open up with people. It all goes back to my childhood. It's affected every friendship and work relationship I've had since.
When I was 20-ish, 15 years years ago I did the classic, "seek the relationship that most comfortably fits into the patterns you experienced with your parents". And so I trapped myself in a horrific and extremely damaging relationship with a girl I'll call K. She has undiagnosed bipolaBPD, she would never seek help but self-medicate. She ended up in the hospital maybe four times for self-harming and this where she was considered to have these diseases by a few doctors on different occasions. Anway, it turned into a relationship of abuse and it wasn't exactly new territory for me. I was ashamed in that 8 year relationship. I wanted out so bad, but she would threaten to unalive everytime I tried to get away. Of course, some weeks would go by and i would get my hair pulled out of my scalp, a knife waving in the air in front of my face, spat in the face, kicked, punched, bit, a pot of freshly boiled ramen soup thrown in my face and eyes. What's worse is that I seeked police intervention on multiple occasions. Every single time the police visited, they talked me out of pressing charges, asking me " well if she doesn't have any place to go, then do you have a place you can stay at, or the shelter?". twice they talked me out of a restraining order, that legal proceedings would take forever. Adn de-escalting me from wanting to take measures to ensure my safety because she may end up on the street as a result. To this day, I absolutely wish I advocated for myself here and pushed for a restraining order. I'm so mad at myself for not doing so.
Unfortunately, fast forward a couple years into that relationship and one evening everything would finally hit the fan. I told her to never touch me again and I absolutely meant it. she had just yanked out the largest chunk of my hair to date, to the point where my scalp was bleeding and I could even see epidermal matter still attached to the folicle ends that were in her clenched fingers. My head bled a bit and I pushed her off of me. Telling her that I needed to leave, that I was walking to my secure jam space just a 10 minute walk away. It had a leather couch in a cold concrete basement, but hey at least I would be safe for the night and I could play my drums and try and blow off this anxiety and fear in a way that was safe albeit very noisy.
She hated that I wanted to leave and convinced herself I would never return. To be fair, that was the energy I had. I never wanted to see her face again and have her name on my lips after that night. So her tactic was simple, to threaten me with calling the cops and tell them that I violently pushed her. I called her bluff and said "go ahead and I will just tell them everything you've done - yet again. All I am doing is going to the space to sleep, I said, maybe play drums." She called the cops and told them she was pushed into a wall, and she felt very unsafe. Which yes, I did push her off me when she attacked me. In the past, I tried various tactics, to run away didn't work, she just always chased me down. Or sometimes I would just sit there while she was violent against me and I just "dissapeared" kind of like how I would when my dad used his coat hanger. This time, I just pushed her off of me, I was done with the relationship at that point and we both knew it. Anyway, she called the police, they arrived and when questioned I told them that I pushed her off of me in self-defence. I was drinking that night and it didn't help my case as I was arrested without question that evening and I was charged on the spot without question with domestic assault. It devasted me. I asked the police how this could happen lawfully. That she is an abuser and there is a history of this multiple times. That I've requested a restraining order. They explained that in quebec the laws are a little different and in the case domestic cases, if there is a male aggressor against a female, then the male is automatically charged to the fullest extent. I was absolutelyu devasted by this. I can't tell you the amount of fear and anger I felt in that jail cell that night.
I feel so incredibly betrayed by the justice system, keep in mind, this is law that from what I understand is only in Quebec, I was there for music at the time with an old friend whom I am no longer in contact with. I don't think the rest of the country operates under law in this way. Now I appreciate that they are vigilant about woman abuse victims, but the law shouldn't be this absurdly biased. It just doesnt feel just and fair to me. Covert abusers shouldn't be able to take advantage of the justice system in this way, but it happens.
It was an awful experience, I was homeless for a couple months afterward, not allowed to retrieve my belongings, so I lost all of my life "crap" that I had built up, years of hardwork and investment. I mention this because I realize later in life that I have intense collecting behaviour. maybe as a self-soothing behaviour. But I love building up collections of my hobby stuff as I have many and I feel they keep me regulated and it's a form of therapy for me. In any case, I lost everything when I left that whole situation. It sucks, although ultimately it's clearly best that I got out of that dreadful circumstance. I flew across the country to my hometown and to be closer to my family and old friends from highschool. It's quite a small town mind you.
Unfortunately, my classic tendency to hide and not advocate for myself created an opportunity for my abusive ex. A year following those events, despite me assuring her that I had to block her because I flew away to start a new life provinces away. That I wished her the best. That I even promised I would never tell a soul what she did to me. Not to mention that unfortunately we live in a society where nobody really has an ounce of sympathy for a male abuse victim. I had every intention to keep that promise, but she couldn't trust me ultimately. I think her logic was maybe to just beat her ex to "the punch". Kill or be killed or something like that. I don't live my life like that so I don't really know what her plan was. But she made a bunch of posts on various social media platforms for all of our mutual friends, music friends, coworkers etc. that the relationship was over and she was free. That she got out of a cycle of abuse and she was ready to start a new chapter of her life. She never used my name, just that she was glad she got away from her toxic and abusive ex once and for all.
It was exactly like that night a year prior, she threatened me with this outcome she could design for me, and I called her on her bluff by saying I was still going to block her and I can't control what she does with her life or how she conducts herself, but that I was out and to never contact me ever again. She made me regret that decision.
The posts she made that day got so many likes and support from so many of our mutual friends, even musician mates that were closer to me than her, and it absolutely destroyed me, not just internally but socially. I no longer make music anymore and it hurts to go outside into the world because it feels like everybody sees me as this monster. And still I don't have a voice to inform anyone otherwise - except my family and my fiance. I have no friends anymore. They all left my life with the belief that I did all of these horrible and awful things.
I just don't trust people anymore as a result and it's just caused me to become extremely bitter and depressed. I ruminate on the past, maybe in attempts to fix the past so I can move on. So I could do better, so I don't have to punish myself for my mistakes in the past. But it just reopens every emotional wound I have and they never get a chance to heal. That was maybe 7 years ago now and I'm still replaying these events in my head every single morning for about 1 - 2 hrs. Then I go completely numb for the majority of the rest of the day, shallow breathing, and the mildest sadness that mascarades as fatigue and disinterest.
There are some days where I seriously fear for the future and I just feel like every cruel soul will inherit this earth and that's the future, they built this world of suffering and they deserve to inherit it. Their toxic flag staked so deep into the earth in reclamation. The future isn't holding any seats for people like us. I'm so heartbroken and defeated. I feel like white-wolfing my fiance because she deserves better than this traumatized person that hides from the world. I feel like giving her my collection of collections so she can sell it all off and pay off her 10k of credit debt, then with this act of kindness I can go out not feeling like a guilt-ridden defeated loser. And leave on a high note.
When I'm alone, I get trapped in these ruminating cycles and it's the angriest I ever get. It's reached the point where I feel like I am actually reliving all this past trauma every morning and I can't do it anymore. I just feel like I am so at the end of whatever this ride was.
I don't have any friends anymore and everyone but my fiance thinks I am a monster and it's just unbearable.
I just don't even know. I am even afraid that someone will read this post and suss through all of this and make the connection. Then I'll get another new email or random throwaway account with an insta message that says "I told you you would never be able to get over me. You can move on, but you will never be able to erase the past. Never truly. You know where to find me."
It's haunting and it's poisonous. I just feel haunted and poisoned and I don't know if there is a snake oil potent enough or antitode true enough to get me back to the generous, lighthearted, energetic kid I once was.
To whoever was willing to read through all of this, thank you for hearing me out. I don't know what advice I am even asking for here. I'm hoping just speaking this out into the world in some way can alleviate this misery. I don't know.

Not a doctor but a biologist which makes me an incredibly annoying patient.
So it feels like every woman I know has this or has gone through this, but I am having really bad early satiety, distention, pain/pressure mostly under my left ribs, reflux, and frequent burping. My doctor put me on omeprazole which is helping with the reflux and is supposed to help with the bloating too but it isn't really. And now I'm just really curious about why I'm having upper GI bloating at all and why a PPI would help. I guess the distention is from gas because I'm burping so much but where is it coming from? I'm not having gas pains or passing gas in my lower GI, or having diarrhea or constipation. I don't think I'm swallowing extra air. Why will lowering the stomach acid decrease the gas in my stomach? Is the early satiety because there's gas taking up space in my stomach?
I was trying low fodmap for this for a while and it didn't seem to help much, but I also was having trouble adhering to it perfectly. But I am also wondering if it even makes sense because the idea is that fermentable sugars cause bacteria in the gut to produce a bunch of gas and lead to digestive problems - but in that case wouldn't I also expect lower GI symptoms? Does that logic make sense, or could there be something going on in the lower GI that is affecting my upper GI?
Lastly, this all started around the time I started an SSRI and has gotten progressively worse over the last few months. This led me to think that the dyspepsia could possibly be a side effect. My doctor is telling me that SSRIs don't cause dyspepsia and I'm just having anxiety and told me to double my omeprazole and my SSRI. My gut is telling me (no pun intended) this is not good advice and I don't like that she is not considering any other possibilities. I'm also extremely drug sensitive and it was incredibly hard for me to adjust to the current dose I'm on, and I'm already having other bothersome side effects to the SSRI. I also don't really get why the dyspepsia would keep getting worse as the anxiety has significantly improved. I tried to ask for some nutritional advice because I'm worried I'm not getting enough calories, let alone fiber, protein, etc. and was told "maybe this is a fun excuse to eat some calorie dense foods." So I honestly have no idea what to do right now. I feel like this isn't the right forum to ask for advice about what meds to take, but like, I'm not being crazy right? My doctor should be giving me better guidance than this right? And does anyone have advice on what I should be eating so that I can keep functioning at work, etc.?

Special thanks to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the NoP universe.
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I'd also like to thank u/xskipy10 for their awesome fanart of the main cast as well as their recent Tohba meme and their fanart of Michael baysitting. You're work is a treasure!
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Thank you as well to u/Accomplished-Golf-59 for his take on Michael, Teylim, and Tohba in his submission for the Banner Art Contest, and u/Spacer_Catgirl4969 for their awesome music video featuring a pixel-art Dohkar in his bar. Be sure to give ALL of these awesome creators your love and support.
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And let's not forget u/Guywhoexists2812 who has been an awesome source of memes as well as sick pixel art, such as THIS and THIS!!!! And even THIS!!!!!! And how could I forget THIS!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!
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Today, we join Dohkar as he finally completes his mission and puts an end to the horrors of the Five Meadows Guild once and for all. Now all that's left...is to pick up the pieces...and prepare for whatever comes next... And finally...a family is made complete... LETTUCE...continue...
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First
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Previous
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Songs Mentioned/Used: N/A
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Memory Transcript Subject: Dohkar, Venlil Bartender Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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I’m not sure what I expected to see or experience when I finally caught up to Albiel, but it wasn’t this. What I saw before me had me completely off-guard. Albiel, on the ground, with a plasma burn straight through his knee, and standing above him, was…
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“Jerrick…put…the gun…down…”
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I held my paws up, doing my best to talk him down. I hadn’t even SEEN Jerrick since the concert. Honestly, I hate him for what he tried to do to Mike, but looking at him now…all I felt as pity…
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His fur was stained from dirt, grime, and stars know what else. Just like Teylim, he had a collar around his neck, and his ears weren’t so much as pinned back, as they were just play glued back from all of the filth he’d no doubt been wallowing in this whole time. Albiel really did just lock him away in a cell the moment her was no longer useful.
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“HE DESERVES IT!!!”
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“I know. Believe me, I know. But this isn’t the answer.”
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Sure. I hated Albiel. I despised him. I detested him. And yes, I wanted to kill him, too. But for people like him, death alone isn’t enough. And it certainly wouldn’t help Jerrick in the long run.
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“Jerrick, listen to me. You’ve been through this exact situation before. At the concert, remember.”
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He flinched as soon as I mentioned that paw.
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“You could’ve hit that shit dead on. You and I both know it. But you missed on purpose, didn’t you?”
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Jerrick’s shaking got worse and worse. I could see the conflict happening behind his eyes. I could tell I was making progress when I saw the small twinkles building up in the corner of his eyes.
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Poor kid… Just a kid…
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“I…I-I just wanted a… j-just wanted him to-“
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“Be a father. I know… That’s what we all wanted. We were just pups, with no one to love us, to care for us, to help us grow.”
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At this point, I felt like I was talking to both of them now. I slowly took a step toward them, and then another, and another. I looked down at the pathetic monster at my feet. Bleeding…broken…and for the first time I think in his life…afraid…
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“We didn’t want some ‘grand purpose’. We didn’t want to inherit some empire. We just wanted a family.”
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I looked at Jerrick. I’d managed to get right next to him. I didn’t grab for the gun. I simply kneeled down beside him, and spoke calmly…
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“That’s why you missed, isn’t it? You saw what Mike had. You saw what you’d be taking away from them.”
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“It’s not fair… It’s just not fair…”
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“It never is…but you have to understand that you CAN still have that. I’m the proof. If I was able to walk away, and have a chance at a life and a family, then so are you.”
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For the first time, his eyes left his target and met mine. At that moment, I saw Jerrick for who he was, without any of the dogma, arrogance, or misplaced loyalty. He wasn’t an exterminator, PD patient, or a murderer. He was a child, just a child who lost his way.
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“You didn’t have to pull the trigger then, and you don’t now.”
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It was only then, that I held out my paw, and with more than a little hesitation, Jerrick handed it to me. Before I was tempted myself, I threw the thing down the hall. Before I could do anything else, I heard that same, smug, arrogant, if slightly choked up laughter coming from the absolute disgrace behind me. I turned to face my father, my abuser, my monster as his signature look of pride came back, his stupid horn glinting in the light of the building’s ceiling lamps.
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“So that’s it, then? Just like that? Where is all that rage and fire I saw in your eyes, when I held that sub-sapient primitive in my grasp, and threatened to find and kill that spawn of hers?”
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He’s baiting you.
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I know.
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“Even when you’re saving my life, you’re still a disappointment, Dohkar.”
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“I’m not saving your life, I’m just prolonging your death.”
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I held an arm out to shield Jerrick. I wasn’t going to let him bait me into attacking. Instead, I’d turn his stupid trick against him, and I wanted to make sure Jerrick was safe.
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“You don’t deserve to die, Albiel. You deserve to LIVE, to sit in a cell and rot just like all the others whose lives you’ve helped ruin, and watch as everything you built crumbles down around you. You’re no leader. You’re just a pathetic disgrace to weak to stand on your own if you aren’t stepping on someone else to feel taller. And I’m going to make you live with that fact for the rest of your miserable life.”
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And then, just a moment, the mask slips one last time…
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“I’LL KILL YO-“
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Whrp-prrrck!!!
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Before he can lunge at us with the last of his strength, my tail wraps around his neck, and before he can choke out another word, his head is slammed into the ground…at just the right angle…to snap that horn of his at the base.
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SLAM!!!
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CRACK!!!
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Just like that, it was over. Jerrick let out a shaky breath, staring down at our unconscious father figure. Before he broke down completely, I pulled him into an embrace. We just sat there, him crying, and me holding him in what was probably the first real hug he’d ever recieved.
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“It’s alright, son. It’s over… It’s over…”
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Eventually, he finally ran out of energy, and fell asleep. Once everything was calm, I placed a finger to my ear piece.
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“This is 1-2 Dohkar. VIP subdued. Objective complete. Patients evacuated. Hostages secured. All hostiles neutralized. Mission accomplished. Over and out…”
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Memory Transcript Subject: Teylim, Yotul Refugee Sponsor Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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My head was slightly foggy. I was barely paying attention to what any of the medics around me were saying. All I knew was my leg hurt, my ribs hurt, my pretty-much-everything-else hurt…and I missed my joeys…
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“There you are! I was hoping I could catch you before they moved you.”
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I turned my head and saw a pleasant, familiar, face approaching the cot I was laid out on.
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Heeheehee. Handsome face…
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These painkillers must be really something…
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“Dohkar! You’re alright.”
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“Yeah… Mission accomplished. It’s finally over.”
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“Good. Wait. W-what about Tohba, Michael, and Khornel? I heard them over the loudspeakers but-”
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“Easy, Teylim. Don’t strain yourself. They’re fine. They’re already on the way here.”
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My mind was instantly put at ease for the most part. My body protested as I took in a long breath and let it out in a relieved sigh. They were alright. My joeys were alright.
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[Transcript Time Progression: 15 minutes…]
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“So I don’t think I’ve EVER seen YOU cry before.”
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“I’m never living that down, am I?”
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“Oh, absolutely not. The great, brave, oh so stoic Dohkar putting on the waterworks for Little Ol’ Me!”
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“Pfft. Please. I was just sobbing in despair over getting stuck with two pups to take care of.”
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“Ha Ha.”
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Before I could chuckle at our stupid banter, my body quickly reminded me why that was a bad idea.
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Ow! Ow. Yep. Still hurts to laugh.
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Dohkar looked up for a moment and looked off into the distance.
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“Huh. Speak of the devil.”
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“MAMAAAAA!!!!” “TEEEEEYYY!!!!!” “MS. TEYLIM!!!!”
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MY BABIES!!
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We need our joeys.
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YES!
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With some effort, I turned my head in the other direction, and almost broke down instantly at what I saw.
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My joeys…all three of them. I felt a paw on my shoulder before Dohkar left.
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“I’ll…leave you to it… I still have to visit Clem and a few others.”
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After a moment, the soldiers guarding the field hospital let them through, and they immediately sprinted to my side. I couldn’t have them in my arms fast enough. After a solid minute of their voices combining into a jumbled slurry of “Are you okay”s and “I’m so sorry”s, things finally calmed down enough for a full conversation.
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“Mama….”
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“My precious…”
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Michael slowly lowered my Tohba into my arms, and as soon as he clung onto me, it felt like a massive piece of my heart and soul had been restored. He was alive! He was safe! They found him! And now he was back in my arms!
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“MAMA!!! MAMAAAAAHAAAAA!!!”
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“I’m here, Precious. Mama’s here…”
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It hurt. My body protested against the weight of my joey. My arms burned and my breaths were still ragged, but I didn’t care. I held onto my Tohba like I hadn’t held him in cycles, placing lick after lick on the top of his head. Once I was content with my grooming, I held an arm out to bring my other two joeys in.
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“Michael… Khornel… Thank the stars, you two are alright…”
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“Tey…” “Ms. Teylim…”
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“I heard you two over the loudspeakers. You did so well. I’m so proud of you…”
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We stayed like that for a while. As much as holding them hurt, I just didn’t want to let go. We did finally break free of our group hug however, when one of the soldiers came along and gave Khornel a salute.
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“Are you Ms. Khornel?”
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“Y-yes… That’s me…”
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“One of the other patients is asking for you. Clem?”
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“YOU FOUND GRANDFATHER?!”
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“Yes. He’s currently receiving medical attention but he’s stable. I can take you to him if you like.”
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Khornel jumped to her feet and almost sped off right there, but hesitated after looking back at the rest of us. Michael simply gave her a nod.
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“Go. We’ll catch up.”
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Every single feather she had ruffled in excitement before she let the soldier lead her away. I tried to listen as she got further and further away. Eventually, I was able to hear her.
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“Grandfather!”
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“Little ‘Nel! My Little ‘Nel!”
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I couldn’t help but smile.
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I’m so happy for you, Dear.
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And speaking of dears, I looked back up at Michael. We were alone now, just the three of us. He’d been remarkably silent this whole time. Now though, once he was sure no one else could here, he broke down completely.
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“I’m sORrY, TeY. I aM so, SO, SorRY…”
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“Sssshhhh… It’s alright. Whatever for?”
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“I sHouLD’Ve bEEn tHeRE. I ShOUld’Ve BeEN aT tHe hOUse. I shOuLdN’T hAve-”
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“Hey… Hey… None of that… Michael, sweetie look at me…”
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Michael sniffled and wiped away his tears, doing his best to hold it together. His bright blue eyes were filled with regret, regret that was entirely undeserved. All I had to do to prove it was point out the joey in my arms, fast asleep.
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“You found Tohba. You kept him safe. You agreed to stay behind even if you didn’t want to. And when the time came, you all found a way to help without putting yourself or the others in danger. You could NOT have handled yourself better today.”
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I strained to raise up my free arm and cup the side of Michael’s face in my paw, wiping away another tear streak with my thumb. I looked into my son's beautiful eyes with all the love I could muster.
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“I am SO…proud of you.”
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Without another word, he held my paw in his hand, nuzzling into it with his cheek. I finally had my boys with me again. And for the first time in a long time…everything felt like it was going to be alright…
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Memory Transcript Subject: Tevis, Magistrate Intelligence Operative Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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I walked around the grounds of the field hospital. All around me, human medics and professionals were tending to the patients and hostages. The raid had been a success.
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Albiel was in custody… UN Custody…
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Many of the other exterminators were deaf from WHATEVER THE HELL that human did over the intercom.
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I watched as a large Krakotl was led to one of the elderly patients by a soldier.
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“GRANDFATHER!!!”
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“Little ‘Nel!!!!”
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The two embraced, the smaller Venlil running his claws through her feathers.
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“My Little ‘Nel…”
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“I missed you so much, Grandfather. I’m so sorry I let you get-”
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“Don’t you dare blame yourself. I’m just glad you’re alright…”
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I shook my head and continued moving. So that’s another family that will need housing. Pretty much every patient here is going to be a personal settlement case all on their own, with, more than likely, PLENTY to say about the state in which they were held in…
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I watched a frantic looking Gojid enter the hospital constantly looking around.
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“Scolina?! Has anyone seen my daughter?! Scolina?!”
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The Gojid eventually made their way closer towards the Krakotl and old Venlil from before. One of the Gojid patients on a nearby bed seemed to hear his call.
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“D…Daddy…?”
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The two made I contact, and the younger Gojid was almost immediately tackle hugged by the elder.
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“‘LINA!!! My sweet little ‘Lina, I’m so sorry!!!!”
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“DADDY!!! DADDY!!!”
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They broke away from the hug for a moment as the older Gojid looked in horror at the burn scars covering the girl.
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“Oh, ‘Lina what did they do to you?”
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“They…said it would fix me… Am… Am I fixed now, Daddy?”
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Just hearing the words seemed to make the man break down entirely all over again.
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“There was never anything wrong with you… I should never have sent you to this place… It’s all my fault…”
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“Daddy…”
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Judging from the girl’s speech patterns, she must’ve been taken in while she was a pup, which meant lots of special education as well as whatever this human “therapy” was.
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What a load of sanctimonious-
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I calmed myself before I could go on a rant.
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After doing the rest of my rounds, watching more and more people reunite with their family members, I walked off and went make a call back to HQ. As far as I could tell, this was the rundown: The bar was now filled with dead and/or dying exterminators, the Guild Office was filled with dead and/or dying exterminators, Albiel was now in custody, there were still exterminators on the Guild roster that were MIA, pretty much all the patients were now out and able to give testimony, and I had a LOT more paperwork than usual to take care of.
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Yep! Just about NOTHING has gone to plan.
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Time to change that…
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[Warning!: You Are About To Access Restricted Files: Continue?: Y/N…]
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[The Following Is A Clip From A News Broadcast Archived By Magistrate Intelligence…]
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[The clip opens up on a well-groomed Venlil reporter behind a desk with the logo of “Prime News”...]
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“Tensions rise once more in the Soulroot District as events continue to heat up in their border village of Five Meadows. We here at Prime News have been following the events of what is now being labeled, ‘The Five Meadows Incident’ over this past month, starting with the failed assassination of a human refugee and seemingly ending with the temporary shutdown of the Five Meadows Extermination Guild as a whole. However, while the crisis with The Guild does seem to have passed, things are still not well in that small border town. We go now to our newest seeker, Rose McDermott, out in the field. Rose?”
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[The camera changes to view a female human reporter standing in front of what appears to be a border checkpoint…]
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“Thank you, Talen. As anyone who has been following this incident with us would know, just two weeks ago, I was just actually IN the town of Five Meadows, just outside the former Guild Office, watching as patients, hostages, and soldiers alike were treated for their injuries and traumas. However, before we could get any interviews, we were quickly escorted from the premises by Interim Guard officials. And while The Soulroot Magistrate HAS released a public statement regarding the situation, their actions have led many to question their intentions, this checkpoint behind me being one chief example. As said in their public announcement, The Magistrate is now enforcing a full lockdown of Five Meadows, stating their intent to track down any exterminators who escaped the raid on their office and are still considered, “at large”. However, after the events of the Five Meadows Incident, many incriminating recordings being leaked online, as well as the upcoming election, many are wondering if The Soulroot Magistrate truly had the people’s best interests at heart. Back to you, Talen…”
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[The camera changes once more to show the Venlil reporter. They seem to take a breath before reshuffling the papers on the desk…]
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“Now…you all watching are more than aware of my opinions on such things as Extermination Guilds and Predator Disease Facilities. But…this is a news station. We can’t just sit here blindly theorizing and getting lost in conjecture. My opinions aside, and leaving just the facts alone, it is clear that what has happened in this small town is nothing short of tragic. And we here at Prime News will continue to cover these events as they unfold. And to any who are in or even from Five Meadows, our hearts and minds go out to you, and we hope you remain strong in these uncertain times. This is Talen with Prime News…signing off…”
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[Clip ends…]
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Memory Transcript Subject: Teylim, Yotul Refugee Sponsor Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 24, 2137
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“I’d like to thank you for joining us today, Ms. Teylim. I do hope you’re healing well.”
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I gave a smile to the kind man on the monitor as I shifted on the motel room bed.
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“Thank you. It’ll still be a little while before my leg is able to be walked on normally, but otherwise, I’m healing well. Thank you, Dr. Jacobson.”
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“I’m glad to hear it. Now then, onto the reason why I asked for this group session. It appears there’s been a slight breakdown in communication between you and Michael…”
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I gave a confused look to Michael, sat on the other bed in the motel room. He shifted uncomfortably and simply looked down at his hands.
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“What kind of breakdown?”
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“It seems that ever since things have been…brought out in the open between you two, he’s stated that he’s been experiencing ‘guilty’ feelings whenever trying to express affection.”
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“Is this true, Michael?”
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“It’s just… I don’t know what it is. I felt like…like I was wasting your time…”
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“Wasting my time?”
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“Tey… Be honest… When…exactly…did you start thinking of me like your son?”
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I did my best to think back. Honestly, after the first time he sang for us was probably the first time I felt something like that, but at the time, I just thought it was leftover mom hormones from having Tohba.
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“Honestly, the first time I felt something akin to motherly love for you was after you sang for us the first time. You just…looked so sad, lost, confused, and scared, and I just…gravitated towards it. Afterwards, things calmed down somewhat, but when I really started feeling it was Thanksgiving.”
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“Oh. I wasn’t aware that you tried having Thanksgiving. It makes sense in a way, though. That holiday, along with Christmas the following month, have great emphasis on spending time with one’s family.”
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Suddenly, a horrifying realization popped into my head.
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“Oh no! Michael, we forgot to celebrate Christmas!!”
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“Tey, it’s fine. All the present deliveries got canceled, anyways.”
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“It is not ‘fine’! We are celebrating Christmas! I don’t care if I have to drag a tree into this room myself!”
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“Ugh… Fine…”
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After a moment of laughing at ourselves, Dr. Jacobson continued.
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Well, we’ve established that one end of these feelings truly began around Thanksgiving. What about you Michael? When would you say you truly started seeing Teylim as a mother figure in your life?”
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“Honestly…I don’t know… Not for sure, anyways. In some ways, it feels like she’s always been that way to me, but maybe that’s just because even after just meeting her, she was already treating me better than my own mom did.”
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Honestly, I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. A part of me was giddy that he’d apparently always thought of me as a mother to him, another part was completely shattered by just how much his birth mother had affected him. It was like hearing his tale of abuse all over again.
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“I think…once I got used to actually calling her that in my mind, that was when the idea actually became real. That’s when I really started thinking about her as my mom. Not A mom…My mom… But even then, I just…couldn’t say it, no matter how hard I tried. Like I said, in some ways it just…always felt like she was my mom. So when I think about how long it took me to actually start acknowledging it and expressing it… I just…feel guilty. I wasted so much time…”
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I turned and sat facing toward him. I couldn’t let him truly believe that.
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“Michael, it could’ve taken three days, three months, or three years. I would’ve accepted your love whenever you were ready.”
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“But you shouldn’t have had to! You shouldn’t have had to wait for me just to get over myself.”
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“Michael…”
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“The fact is…you were right. That egg donor that gave birth to me isn’t my mom…you are…”
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My heart skipped a beat as he looked straight at me, my mind filling with just those last two words.
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I…am…
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“You’ve done more to raise, love, and nurture me in three months than my birth mom did in TEN YEARS. And you DESERVE a son that’s actually capable of accepting your love and giving it back. And I just…wasn’t able to do that…”
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I felt my heart breaking more and more. I had no idea he’d been feeling this way, and I wanted nothing more than to help him through it.
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“But that’s over now. I’m done blaming myself for something that wasn’t my fault. I’m done letting the words of a monster dictate what I am. That’s why I want to keep having sessions with you and Dr. Jacobson. I want to get better. So that I CAN be the son you deserve.”
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Oh, Michael. If only you knew. You already are.
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With some mixed feelings, I pulled over my satchel. There was something I’d been meaning to give him for a while now.
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“Michael, you are already a wonderful son, one I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’ve already said that much. And I’m so happy you’re committed to getting better. There is nothing I want more than your happiness. When you were about to leave, before the concert, I was so scared I was about to lose you. The way you so easily gave up like that…it scared me. It felt like…like I failed.”
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“Tey, I-”
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That’s why…”
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I slowly opened up my satchel and pulled out a small packet of papers. They were a bit torn and faded after fishing them out of the wreck that was my office, but I managed to find them.
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“I got these for you.”
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I handed him the papers and watched intently as he read them. I won’t lie, most of it is legal mambo jumbo that even I can’t fully understand, but I could tell exactly when he got to the important bit. I’d memorized that one beautiful line:
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I, Teylim Andrews do hereby fully and officially acknowledge ________________ as my-
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“Tey… Are these…adoption papers?”
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“You’re only half right.”
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He looked up from the papers, his eyes full of shock and awe.
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“You ARE a full, legal, adult, by both human and Yotul standards, so I can’t technically ‘adopt’ you. BUT, what we CAN do, as legal, consenting adults, is BOTH agree to sign these papers, fully acknowledging each other as family, me as your mother, and you as my son. This does a LOT of weird, quirky things involving Venlil law, mostly involving inheritances and insurance. BUT the most important thing, is that by legally becoming a part of my family, the door is open to you for FULL. CITIZENSHIP. You won’t have to be a refugee anymore.”
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Michael was speechless, just looking back down at the papers.
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“Tey, I… I don’t know what to-”
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“You don’t…have to sign if you don’t want to…”
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He looked back at me, waiting to hear me out.
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“At the time, I’d only gotten these to show you as proof, proof that I really AM serious about this. I truly DO see you as my own, Michael. And paper or no paper, that much will never change. I truly, completely, and purely…love you. And I want nothing more than for you to be happy…”
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I looked down at my own paws. I knew that presenting him with this choice meant having to accept the fact that he might say no. So, I just curled in on myself and braced for it…just in case.
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“But…I know that you’re still healing. I was going to give these to you after the concert. But then you got shot, and even after that, you were still recovering. I wanted to make sure things were slightly calm again before going through with it. Now, I know it’s a big decision and I completely understand if you don’t feel comfortable-OOF!!!”
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Before I could even react, I was pushed backwards, fully wrapped up in a giant hug.
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“MIchael! What are you-”
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“I’ll do it… I’ll sign…”
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With just those five words, I found myself struggling to find a response. My heart was racing and I couldn’t even tell if I heard him right.
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“You… You mean-”
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“I want to sign! I want to be your son!”
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For a moment, I was still paralyzed. My rapidly wagging tail was the first part of me to move before I practically dove into him.
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My son! MY SON! MY SON!
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“OH, MICHAEL!!!!”
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I couldn’t contain myself. I hugged. I squeezed. I nuzzled. I licked. I kissed. I held…my son. MY! SON! And soon, not even a government official would be able to say otherwise.
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And then…as if I needed any more confirmation. He uttered four more words. Just four. Four words that I’d never heard him say before, at least not together, and not toward me. Still, hearing him say those four words…the last time I remember being that happy…was when my Tohba was born.
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“I love you, Mom…”
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Did he just call us…?
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Mom… Mom… MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!!! HE CALLED US MOM!!!
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“I love you so much, my joey! Mama loves you so, so, so much! Never forget that.”
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“Mom…”
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Our lovely, perfect moment was then interrupted by the only thing that could’ve made it more perfect. A small, adorable yawn came from the small crib behind us.
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“Mama…? Whad goin’ on?”
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I turned to see Tohba peeking through the bars at us. It appeared our little moment had woken him from his nap.
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“Hmmm… Tell me, Michael. Now that things seem like they’re becoming official, is there anything you’d like to say to young Tohba as well?”
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“\sniff** Yeah… I think there is…”
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I watched with bated breath as Michael walked over and plucked Tohba from his crib, before sitting next to me. Tohba, for his part, looked really worried, probably because we were both complete sobbing messes.
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“Mikey zhad?”
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“No, Bud. I’m not sad. I’m happy, happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
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Tohba didn’t seem entirely convinced yet. He only seemed to get more worried when Michael composed himself and took on a somewhat serious tone.
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“Bud? There’s something REALLY important you need to know. So, I need you to listen real close, okay?”
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Tohba’s fear only seemed to grow. The last time Michael said something like that was when he left for Twilight Valley.
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“Tohba… You…are the BEST…baby brother a guy like me could ever ask for. You hear me? The BEST…”
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Tohba’s fear and worry seemed to go away for the most part, only to be replaced with partial confusion.
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“Mikey…bwudhew…?”
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We both almost broke again just from that one, adorable word. Michael was quick to confirm it, nodding frantically as he tried to hold it together.
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“That’s right… And your big brother, Mikey loves you SO much, Tohba. SO…much… More than you’ll ever know…”
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“Mikey…beeg bwudhew…”
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Tohba seemed to take a moment to think, trying to truly comprehend the words he just said. Once he understood however, it was impossible to hide his excitement. His tiny tail became a blur behind him as his eyes lit up with glee. Before he could react, Tohba used his still developing hind legs to launch himself into Michael’s face.
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“BEEG BWUDHEW!!!!”
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“OH, JEEZ!”
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In a flash, Michael was knocked onto his back, laughing as Tohba licked and nuzzled every inch of his face.
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“MIKEY BEEG BWUDHEW! MAMA! MIKEY BEEG BWUDHEW!!!!”
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That was it. That was what finally broke me. I sobbed openly and clapped as my Tohba shared the amazing news with me. Mikey IS beeg bwudhew.
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Once his energy had wound down, Tohba saw fit to simply snuggle into Michael’s arms, letting out a long, contented sigh, as if anything that could’ve possibly been wrong in his tiny, perfect world had been made right again.
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“Wuv you, Mikey… Wuv you Beeg Bwudhew…”
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“I love you too, Bud. I love you so much.”
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I couldn’t hold back any longer. I rushed forward…and held my boys in my arms. And in this one…perfect moment, I could only think one thing.
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I love my boys. I love my family. I love my life.
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Next

I've just finished 28 days on carnivore. 43M. Diet before was a typical Australian/US style diet. Lots of carbs from bread, potatoes, chips, fries, sugars, processed foods and such.
For context, I went 100% full carnivore, no period of change. My foods consist of: Beef (Mince/Ground, Rib Eye, Chuck, Shortribs), Pork Belly, Bacon, Chicken wings/legs, Lamb (Chops, leg, fatty parts), Eggs, Grass fed butter.
CHANEGS:

• Lost 4.5cm in waist circumference.
• Lost 4.6kg/10lbs of weight
• Tracking using body scan (not accurate but a baseline each time) lost 300g/0.6lb of muscle mass
• Blood pressure - Was on strong dose of meds for 6 months, which gave me average readings of 130/90 when on the meds. Two weeks on carnivore and was taken off the meds. BP this morning was 105/75, no meds!
• Cravings - I've had very very few when I'm diligent on fat/protein intake. I haven't cheated once yet and thats had three birthday parties and two dinners out. I've found myself planning ahead and solving it before hand. More in tips below

ISSUES:

• Heart palpitations - The reasons I went to the Drs was I swear I was having a heart attack and needed more BP meds or a defib. It was awful. I've had more warnings of being in Atrial Fibrillation from my apple watch in the last 3 weeks than the previous year. Heart rates when rested hitting >150. I've since solved this. It seems to have been mineral/electrolyte issues. I'm now having potassium and magnesium supplements and it's gone. Resting heart rate back to 62-65 and no Afib for 4 days since starting.

TIPS:

• Electrolytes - obviously haha. Make sure you're hydrated, sufficient electrolytes and pay attention. That weak of those palpitations and feeling was awful and worrying. Now I couldn't be happier.
• Eat before events and add more fat. Before each birthday party I went to I had a large meal with additional fat. I had zero desires to cheat, eat cake etc. Worked great.
• Eating out - I had some food before hand. I also bring my own butter in a small container. I'll order steak, as for only salt and flames, medium rare. Side of veggies. Give the veggies away, add my butter on top and dig in. Another was a Greek restaurant. Fresh calamari/octopus, no seasoning but salt. Fried in butter (ask no Olive oil as natural for them to add) and added own butter. PPPPPN Prior planning prevents piss poor nutrition. Thats how it goes right?
• Mince and eggs is godly. But, tip is to flash fry that mince HOT. Give it some dark browning and char. It adds crunch and depth.
• Tried Redmond and Celtic salt - Prefer Celtic. Next is pure Himalayan Pink salt.

​
That's about it. Losing fat, getting leaner, feeling more energetic, and not at all bored yet of the foods. If considering it do it. Just watch out for hydration.

I feel like a fake because I’m not underweight (close but still) and only been on this on and off for a few years, but the past few months ive been “on” . It was different when I was single and isolating because of the pandemic, but now ive got a boyfriend and it’s literally most of what I think about. We will be watching a movie and my brain will be meal planning the entire time and zoning out. We will be intimate and I’ll be focused on my bones, whether I’m bloating, trying to push my ribs out. I constantly tell him about calories, last night I broke down crying saying that I just want to be able to eat. It was embarrassing.
Today I thought about a bagel with bacon, egg and cheese. I looked up the calories and was surprised that it was lower than I expected so I told him. Hoping he would say “yea let’s go get one!” He said “wow that’s high”. I was so mortified. Started crying. He asked if I wanted an egg and a piece of toast. I said yeah I guess. Are half of it. Too embarrassed to eat it all. I can’t eat enough around him and ive been trying to hit minimum nutritional goals but when im with him, staying over, im scared to for some reason. He met me when I was heavier and fell in love with me so why would he care? But that comment broke me. I of course came home… and I ate… but when we move in together, what will I do? My therapist says I’ll end up in the hospital if I keep up like this. My energy is so depleted that my performance at work decreased eased, I was yelled at for it a lot, and I quit, so now I’m unemployed. I hate my brain

Our 8 month has never really been a good sleeper. To add to that, he’s had significant feeding challenges since birth. He’s got a cows milk protein allergy, and is on hypoallergenic formula because of this, he has silent reflux (which was being treated by a combination of famotidine and ompeprazole, but we recently weaned him off the famotidine so he’s only on ompeprazole now), he’s also got a high palette and submucous cleft palette that also makes feeding very difficult. Because of all this he’s also developed a bottle aversion, so he’ll only drink about 2 ounces of formula per feed. We started him on solids about 2 months ago, and things have gotten better in terms of a decrease in his overall discomfort while feeding, but it’s a constant game of “is he eating and drinking enough” since he’s really only averaging around 10-14 ounces of formula per 24 hour period. Our pediatrician isn’t concerned with this since he’s eating around 10-12 ounces of well rounded solids per day, and gaining weight. She does want him on a multivitamin just to ensure he’s getting the proper vitamins and minerals. We’ve been fortunate that we’re able to put him in his crib fully awake, walk away immediately, and with no fuss, within 10 minutes he’s fast asleep. The problem is actually staying asleep through the night. For the past two months, almost like clockwork, he’ll wake up about 2.5 hours after putting him down during his usual bedtime of 7:30pm. He’ll usually wake up around that 10pm mark, and first open his eyes, kind of shake his head around and then within 1-2 minutes start crying until we come grab him. At that point we’ll feed him, where he’ll have anywhere from 1-2 ounces of formula. We’ll put him back in the crib as soon as he shows no more interest in the bottle, and within a few minutes of being back in his crib, he’ll fall back asleep. He’ll then stay asleep until anywhere from 2pm-5pm, where he’ll then wake up again in a similar fashion as the first wake and just keep crying until we go grab him and feed him. That second feed he’ll usually have a little bit more, somewhere between 2-3 ounces and every once in a while a full 4 ounce bottle. Our concern is, that because he eats so little during the day, these two night feeds are important to make sure he’s drinking enough both for hydration and nutrition. But at the same time, ideally he’s making that up during the day.
What do we do here given the feeding issues, do we sleep train in this situation?

Mario! Pluto Gang, gang, gang gang, gang
Look who I'm fuckin' again I had her on ice, but then I watched the ice get thin Now, does she sink or swim?
She had an attitude in the summer But she bein' nice again Double my price again Top of the charts, back in they hearts Nigga, he strikes again, woah Some niggas bitter with life and they hate me They wanna put knife in my ribs, woah Way this shit set up, I live like Ronaldo But I never been in Madrid, woah She said that that she workin', I told her come over And we can get right at the crib, woah She finish at six but then say she got court in the morning To fight for her kid, I told her I'd pray for the kid
What a time this is to be alive for this shit President doin' us in My window got blue in the tint (ooh) Did this shit once and I'd do it again
Look who I'm fuckin' again I had her on ice, but then I watched the ice get thin Now, does she sink or swim?
I got blue diamonds, blue tint, yeah (Blue faces) I got blue diamonds, blue tint, yeah (Jeez!) Ayy, ayy
Look who I'm stuck with again I had her on ice, but then I watched the ice get so thin, now Does she sink or does she swim, now?
Ayy, 'cause she bein' nice again Double my price again Top of the charts, back in they hearts Nigga, he strikes again, woah Some niggas bitter with life and they hate me They wanna put knife in my ribs, woah Nobody better, the show up and runnin' And I could put that on the twins, woah We not together but I get the info on you 'Cause I'm nice to your friends, woah, woah, woah, woah Yeah, they shouldn't have told me but they did
What a time this is to be alive for this shit President doin' us in My window got blue in the tint, ayy Did this shit once and I'd do it again
Look who I'm fuckin' again I had her on ice, but then I watched the ice get thin Now, does she sink or swim?
I got blue diamonds, blue tint, yeah (Blue faces) I got blue diamonds, blue tint, yeah

The link between Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction, Hard Flaccid Syndrome, Post Finasteride Syndrome, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome and advice on how to start your healing journey based on 8 years of research and personal experiences : pssdhealing (reddit.com)
Here are all my thoughts and advice based on my personal experiences, other people’s insight and helpful experiences, and research I have done on and off about pelvic floor issues from the past eight years or so. I am not claiming that any of this is revolutionary, but I hope it can help some of you out there to give you a head start on healing and advance our understanding of these conditions. As I am a 27 year old male with previous major problems with pelvic floor issues and hard flaccid, some of my advice may be biased towards my condition. However, I believe everyone can benefit from a lot of this because I really do think that all of these conditions that I mentioned are linked in at least some way, especially by pelvic floor dysfunction and sex hormone desensitization. I try not to come to these forums because it increases anxiety and negative emotions which leads to worse pelvic floor symptoms, so my apologies if I do not respond to your questions. For hard flaccid and pelvic floor affected people, follow my advice and I am confident you can heal and reach a place where your symptoms barely affect your life, if at all, which is where I am at now. The mentality of trying to find a 100% “magic cure” solution just leads to anxiety and catastrophic thinking if you have a set back which will only worsen your symptoms. You can and will heal. I know this is a lot of information, but try to implement just one or two things at a time. Focus on the present, and take it one day at a time. Don’t get overwhelmed. All of this is my opinion and not professional medical advice. Talk with your doctor before starting anything.
Post Finasteride Syndrome (PFS), Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction (PSSD), Hard Flaccid Syndrome (HFS), Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, and Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome all can have some similar symptoms. I believe that they are all either caused or can be exacerbated by androgen and estrogen receptor insensitivity and are triggered by medication, genital injury, and pelvic floor inflammation and dysfunction. The pelvic floor is rich in androgen receptors and estrogen receptors. However, without proper androgen receptor activation and sensitivity, the pelvic floor muscles don’t have enough DHT which line the tissues of the pelvic floor, genitalia, and lower urinary tract. DHT is vital for healthy sexual functioning in both sexes - it provides an anabolic effect to tissues to provide strength, stability, healing, and relaxation to tissues. As a result of androgen receptor insensitivity and lack of DHT, the pelvic floor can become chronically weakened, tight, and inflamed which reduces blood flow to the region leading to even more androgen receptor insensitivity and thus less DHT. These symptoms can cause psychological stress to the individual which tightens the pelvic floor further leading to more symptoms and less blood flow. One study found that androgen sensitivity has raised the possibility that androgens can be used to rebuild the weakened and/or damaged muscles comprising the pelvic floor - source. Some people may also have normal hormone levels in the blood when tested, but these hormones cannot reach or be effective in the pelvic floor tissues or brain due to sex hormone insensitivity and the lack of the blood flow in the region caused by pelvic floor tightness and dysfunction. It is also likely that there is a problem with desensitized estrogen receptors causing a similar mechanism of dysfunction because they are also found in the pelvic floor, genitals, and brain and are important for pelvic floor health, sexual functioning, cognition, and emotions in both sexes. The most important element to remember to help start the healing process for these disorders is to boost blood flow through supplements, stretches, and exercises which will increase both androgen and estrogen receptor sensitivity over time.
Many males with PFS, PSSD, and Pelvic Floor dysfunction are affected by the hard flaccid condition.
Post Finasteride Syndrome (PFS) caused by Finasteride, a 5-alpha-reductase inhibitor (5-ARI), plummets DHT levels in the body to try to help hair loss causing sexual dysfunction and pelvic floor issues. Androgen receptors that surround the pelvic floor, genitals, and brain become desensitized due to the Finasteride leading to less DHT binding to these receptors causing dysfunction and a tight, weak pelvic floor. The tight, dysfunctional pelvic floor now restricts blood flow which impacts healing and the delivery of testosterone to this area that further exacerbates androgen insensitivity leading to less DHT in these tissues. Since androgen receptors are found in the brain and androgens have neuroprotective effects, this could be one reason why some PFS and PSSD sufferers are also impacted cognitively. An herbal supplement called Saw Palmetto has also been reported to cause a disorder similar to PFS because it is also a 5-ARI that blocks the conversion of testosterone into DHT. Another disorder called Post Accutane Syndrome (PAS) is also similar to PFS and it reduces DHT as well through being a 5-ARI: “Isotretinoin, used to treat severe acne, has been shown to induce hormonal changes, especially to reduce 5 alpha-reductase in the production of the tissue-derived dihydrotestosterone (DHT) metabolite 3 alpha-Adiol G.”. PFS, PAS, and PSSD are thought to cause not only androgen receptor desensitization, but likely estrogen receptor desensitization as well.
For Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction (PSSD), SSRIs are also known to decrease androgens and down regulate androgen receptors. This study shows that SSRIs can have an anti-estrogenic effect as well and can even reduce the expression of estrogen receptors (ER), including in the hypothalamus.. As sex hormones get desensitized in the pelvic floor, genital region, and brain, it causes localized DHT and estrogen levels in these tissues to decrease causing emotional blunting, sexual dysfunction, pelvic floor issues, hard flaccid syndrome, and more. The pelvic floor dysfunction can then prevent the sex hormone receptors from being reactivated and sensitized due to restricting oxygen and sex hormone rich blood flow to the tissues. SSRIs can cause androgen receptor insensitivity and estrogen receptor insensitivity by severely inhibiting the serotonin transporter (SERT) leading to increased serotonin levels which desensitizes those receptors throughout the body. One key to help heal from PSSD is increasing androgen production, androgen receptor sensitivity, and blood flow to boost BDNF, SERT, and DHT levels to hopefully allow any estrogen receptor desensitization recover on its own over time after everything else is normalized. Once androgen levels in local tissues (pelvic floor, brain, genitals) are normalized again through androgen receptor activation and sensitivity, it will encourage the conversion of androgens into estrogens in these tissues via aromatase. It is also worth to mention that some community members are trying to restore estrogen receptor sensitivity via boosting estrogen in various ways including by taking hops extract which is a potent phytoestrogen. This is also interesting: Estradiol represents another important natural ligand for androgen receptors that may play an essential role for the androgen receptor function and the development of the male reproductive system.
As mentioned earlier, people with PSSD and other disorders might have normal looking hormone blood tests (testosterone, DHT, estrogen, etc), but the issue is that these hormones are not functioning in the brain, pelvic floor, and genitals properly due to androgen and estrogen receptor insensitivity. An important thing to also recognize is that the medical community still has no official explanation how exactly SSRIs cause all of these debilitating side effects, but they are still being readily prescribed without informed consent about the risks of PSSD. It is unfortunate that it is people like us on the internet leading the charge to investigate and inform. We all need to continue to do our part to spread awareness of these iatrogenic disorders to warn people about the risks of taking these medications because their medical providers aren’t likely going to. Thank you to the PSSD Network for helping to give a voice to the unheard.
Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction (PSSD): Biological Plausibility, Symptoms, Diagnosis, and Presumed Risk Factors
Androgen receptor (AR) inactivation in mice led to reduction in hypothalamic neural nitric oxide synthase (nNOS), indicating the regulatory sexual function of this neurotransmitter. Furthermore, activation of the pre and post-synaptic 5HT1A receptors was found to be correlated with inhibitory effect on erectile function. All of these factors are speculated to be involved in this symptom and might be related to epigenetic alteration of androgen receptor (AR) and estrogen receptor (ER) densities due to influence of SSRIs on the epigenome.
In male PSSD sufferers, the penile shaft can be rigid during erection, yet the glans of the penis remains flaccid.This symptom may arise from hypo-activation of the dopaminergic and oxytocinergic pathways. The glans of the penis, in particular, receives its blood supply from the deep dorsal artery. Perhaps this points to a selective arterial malfunction relative to pelvic floor dysfunction which usually accompanies PSSD.
Here is another interesting study that gives support to the importance of increasing blood flow to help heal:
If SSRIs produce sexual side effects by impairing vasocongestion to the genital region, it would be expected that pharmacologic agents that increase blood flow to the genital region would improve sexual functioning. Indeed, several anecdotal reports and studies have found that sildenafil (a drug designed to treat erectile failure by increasing blood flow into the penile tissue) was successful in reversing SSRI-induced sexual dysfunction in both men and women [8,9,87,88,109]. Sildenafil acts to increase blood flow into the genital tissue by facilitating c-GMP activity that is initiated by nitric oxide [19] and preliminary evidence suggests that the SSRIs may cause sexual difficulties by inhibiting nitric oxide synthase [39,118].
Here is a paper from a community member that hypothesizes that the main issue is lasting estrogen receptor insensitivity just to give another interesting perspective on Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction, Post-Finasteride Syndrome, and Post-Retinoid Sexual Dysfunction
As the body is starved of DHT, ARs upregulate in response. At the same time, ER activation is significantly increased as a result of the increased production of Estradiol during treatment (due to higher Testosterone availability by reduced 5a reduction to DHT) - eventually leading to ER downregulation.
Hard Flaccid Syndrome (HFS) - There are many men suffering from HFS and pelvic floor issues due to PSSD, PFS, heavy weight lifting, excess kegeling, or in the case I’m presenting here, physical damage to the genitals from excessive, vigorous sexual activity (my case) or penis enlargement exercises. When the genitals get damaged, an inflammatory process starts and the pelvic floor contracts to protect itself. Since the pelvic floor is now in a chronic, contracted state, it limits oxygen and sex hormone rich blood flow to the genitals and pelvic floor which leads to sex hormone insensitivity and negatively impacts healing, muscle relaxation, and DHT production in these tissues. Finasteride, Accutane, and SSRIs also desensitize sex hormone receptors in the genitals and pelvic floor tissues leading to hard flaccid and pelvic floor dysfunction. Since the pelvic floor tightness restricts blood flow, it is difficult for hard flaccid sufferers to reactivate and sensitize their pelvic floor muscle androgen receptors again to regain relaxation and strength in their pelvic floor muscles, including the ischiocavernosus (IC), bulbocavernosus (BC), and pubococcygeus (PC) which are in a contracted state; the IC muscle in particular is thought to be the most implicated in the cause of hard flaccid. We first need to promote relaxation in the pelvic floor by boosting blood flow through supplements and stretches because tight muscles are weak muscles. Once the pelvic floor is in a chronic state of tension, it is hard to heal from pelvic floor issues because you likely already had bad habits such as poor posture, unhealthy sexual practices, stiff muscles, sedentary lifestyle, unchecked anxiety, and other negative lifestyle factors. Along with supplements, exercises, and stretches, correcting these bad habits is necessary to heal to have an even healthier pelvic floor than you ever had before because it likely was already tight and dysfunctional to begin with before developing obvious issues, but it was more subtle and you had no awareness of your pelvic floor muscles until now. You have the potential to now become a much healthier person overall than you ever would have been without being affected by pelvic floor dysfunction and hard flaccid.
32% of women will develop a pelvic floor disorder in their lifetime which is double that of men. While childbirth and pregnancy plays a role in this discrepancy, women also have far less testosterone and DHT levels than men which I believe plays a major factor. Since women have less testosterone, their androgen receptors that line the pelvic floor don’t make enough DHT to adequately support these tissues compared to men. This makes them more prone to pelvic floor dysfunction that causes them a disparate amount of pain, tightness, and inflammation. Androgen receptors and their ability to convert testosterone into DHT play such a vital role in pelvic floor health and sexual functioning. This is mentioned in a research study: Prevailing scientific literature has indicated the presence of androgen receptors in the levator ani muscle and pelvic fascia. The existence of androgen receptors in the vaginal wall can play an essential role in the development of pelvic floor disorders in women.Thus, androgen-related disorders may interfere with the function of pelvic floor muscles. [Many people mistakenly believe that androgens are only important for male sexual health:](https://www.bumc.bu.edu/sexualmedicine/patientinformation-physicians/androgen-insuffiency-in-women/#:~:text=Androgen%20insufficiency%20syndrome%2C%20characterized%20by,of%20sexual%20dysfunction%20in%20women.] Androgens have a three-fold action on female sexual function. They (1) increase libido by providing the fuel for a woman’s psychosexual stimulation, (2) increase sensitivity and blood flow to the external genitalia, and (3) increase the intensity of sexual gratification.
What I see in all these conditions is that sex hormone receptors become desensitized in the pelvic floor and genital tissues either from a drug, pelvic tightness, or inflammation from injury leading to less hormones being produced causing sexual and pelvic floor dysfunction. The pelvic floor now goes into a chronic tightened state as a response, leading to less oxygen and testosterone rich blood flow to the genital and pelvic region which leads to more androgen insensitivity and subsequently less DHT. This all explains why many people who have these conditions are helped by supplements that improve androgen receptor sensitivity and blood flow, and why pelvic floor therapy and exercises are so helpful to many of them. Estrogen receptor insensitivity in the pelvic floor also appears to have a similar mechanical negative effect by leading to less estrogen levels in the pelvic floor and genital tissues. It is also possible that some people with PSSD/PFS may have subtle or no pelvic floor symptoms, but the medication still desensitizes sex hormone sensitivity in their genitals and pelvic floor tissues that is leading to sexual dysfunction.
Another study linking androgens and the pelvic floor: Levator ani and other muscles of the pelvic floor and lower urinary tract are sensitive to the anabolic effects of testosterone. Androgen receptors are also expressed in the pelvic floor and lower urinary tract of both animals and humans. Anabolic effects of androgens may play an important role in the female pelvic-floor and lower-urinary-tract disorders. Furthermore, the interactions between androgen and nitric oxide synthase and arginase have been demonstrated, suggesting that androgens may also participate in modulating the physiological functions of the lower urinary tract through nitric oxide. The action of androgens in the lower urinary tract and pelvic floor is complex and may depend on their anabolic effects, hormonal modulation, receptor expression, interaction with nitric oxide synthase, or a combination of these effects.
My solution to help heal and improve the well-being of people with these issues is to try to improve sex hormone receptor sensitivity and pelvic floor function through supplements, stretches, exercises, and boosting blood flow which will hopefully restore normal levels of estrogens and androgens in pelvic, genital, and brain tissues. The body has a tremendous capability of self-healing, but we need to support it through active recovery methods.
We will first start with supplements (this is not professional medical advice - talk with your doctor before taking):
L-citrulline - This is the precursor to l-arginine, and it will improve blood flow and levels of nitric oxide to help get oxygen and testosterone rich blood to the pelvic floor and genital tissues to increase androgen sensitivity. Nitric oxide can also induce smooth muscle relaxation which is important for relaxing the pelvic floor. Herein we report on a young man affected by PSSD who regained sexual functioning after 3-month treatment with EDOVIS, a dietary supplement containing L-citrulline and other commonly used aphrodisiacs.. I recommend taking at least 6000 mg daily by taking 2000mg three times throughout the day. The max dose is 10,000mg. Even potentially better, people report great results using Cialis to improve blood flow and healing rather than L-citrulline and some doctors will even prescribe it to women if you show them the evidence - talk with your doctor. “Tadalafil (Cialis) reversal of sexual dysfunction caused by serotonin enhancing medications in women”. L-Citrulline and Cialis are not recommended to be taken together.
L-Carnitine - This will improve the number of androgen receptors and their sensitivity to testosterone to increase levels of DHT in the pelvic floor, genital tissues, and brain. I recommend taking 2000mg daily. Acetyl-L-Carnitine can pass through the blood-brain barrier, while Propionyl-L-carnitine has a high degree of interaction with testosterone. Propionyl may be better for sexual and pelvic floor dysfunction, while Acetyl might help people suffering from the mental effects of PSSD. This study used each at 2000mg daily to improve erectile dysfunction along with Viagra.. I would work up to 2000mg each of Acetyl and Propionyl L-Carnitine along with Cialis instead of Viagra as it lasts in the body for much longer (36 hours) for increased blood flow healing purposes. You can also use L-Citrulline instead of Cialis as mentioned earlier. Discuss with your doctor before taking them.
Vitamin D - This vitamin, which acts more like a hormone, works directly with the endocrine system. It has its own receptors throughout the body and they are often in close proximity to androgen receptors. Deficiency in vitamin D is associated with a stunting of testosterone's effects on androgen receptors and a decline in testosterone levels. Vitamin D will encourage androgen receptor resensitization. One study found that higher vitamin D levels are associated with a decreased risk of pelvic floor disorders in women, and The levator ani and coccygeus muscles are skeletal muscles that are critical components of the pelvic floor and may be affected by vitamin D nutritional status. I recommend 4000IU of vitamin D daily or whatever gets your levels to 60 - 80 ng/ml.
If you have inflammatory issues or pain due to pelvic floor dysfunction, I recommend a fish oil supplement daily. I take fish oil, and I find that it helps limit pelvic inflammation. I also take Magnesium Glycinate to relax the smooth muscle that lines the pelvic floor and genital tissue. I recommend it for people with clear pelvic floor dysfunction, but others should be careful as research says magnesium is a 5-alpha-reductase inhibitor. Take quercetin and bromelain as needed if you experience pelvic inflammatory flare ups and pain, but just be careful as quercetin can also inhibit the production of DHT from testosterone as well. Some say fish oil blocks DHT too, but experiencing chronic pelvic floor pain and inflammation will do more harm to you than minimal DHT blocking. I recommend staying away from all DHT inhibiting foods and supplements for people with PSSD, PFS, and PAS unless you are experiencing pelvic pain and inflammation.
As always, discuss these supplements with your doctor to see if they are okay for you. Lower your supplement intake based on side effects. These aren’t a magic cure, but a tool to help you on your journey to recovery. Don’t do anything without doctor supervision, but this thread gives more evidence for the “cure” for PSSD/PFS being resensitizing androgen receptors and estrogen receptors along with enhancing blood flow as it details how some men recovered through taking high doses of androgens, post cycle therapy, and Cialis. This at least gives hope that a hormonal cure can be created one day by medical professionals. I would of course recommend trying to heal yourself naturally for a long time before doing any hormone treatments under the supervision of a doctor.
I also recommend doing some form of yoga or pelvic floor stretches daily to improve blood flow for pelvic floor relaxation and sex hormone receptor sensitivity. You also need to request to see a pelvic floor therapist for an evaluation and treatment. Learn how to do reverse kegels. Doing reverse kegels will be difficult at first because your pelvic floor is tight and you have little to no awareness of these muscles, so just focus on lengthening and relaxing the pelvic floor through stretches for now. Do not do regular kegels for pelvic floor issues. Learn how to diaphragmatically breathe in 360 degrees to create expansion in your rib cage and abdomen to encourage pelvic floor relaxation. Do not breathe through your chest, and “belly breathing” isn’t the right term because the ribs need to expand as well. You can learn how to diaphragmatically breathe through an exercise such as 4-7-8 breathing. Here is a great video on diaphragmatic breathing and another video. I cannot overstate it enough: retraining yourself to properly breathe diaphragmatically is the single most important thing that you can do to heal from pelvic floor issues. Be a student of breathing: study and take notes on how to breathe better.
Stretches/Yoga poses I recommend:
Hold the Malasana/hindi/yoga squat pose for at least 5-10 minutes at least twice a day, but doing it morning, mid-day, and at night would be the best. Some get great results holding it for 15-20 minutes.This is one of the most important things for your pelvic floor because it will help lengthen and release it. Doing them barefoot is also very beneficial to strengthen your ankles and feet which are connected to your pelvic floor. Again, remember to breathe deeply down into your belly and pelvic floor for all these stretches.
Begin your stretching routine with an Exercise ball ab stretch and Upward-facing dog/cobra pose. This will help stretch your lower abs and psoas muscles so that you can get more breath deeper down into your pelvic floor for the rest of your stretches. Some people say that these types of stretches aren’t great for people who have Anterior Pelvic Tilt, which we should fix, but I still do them as it is important to stretch the lower abs that are hard to get to. You can experiment with doing them sporadically instead of every time you stretch.
This is my current personal complete stretch routine I do in order 3+ days a week:
Myofascial release on my glutes with an orb massage ball but you can use any small hard ball (don’t do this if glutes are currently sore) > Calf stretch against a wall or a yoga block which is what I use > exercise ball ab stretch > upward facing dog > (optional) Do a handful of cat cows > Supine hamstring stretch with yoga strap or an IdealStretch tool which is what I use > Kneeling hip flexor stretch > flat on back supine single knee to chest stretch > then bring knee to opposite shoulder stretch > supine figure four > I do this stretch next right after figure four > Reclined bound angle pose > (optional) butterfly stretch > (optional) A little bit of downward facing dog to stretch the calves > (optional) Lizard Pose) > (optional) Half split stretch/Half monkey pose with yoga blocks > Half-pigeon pose > Child’s pose > Wall quad hip flexor stretch > Wall figure four stretch > Wall straddle pose > Wall happy baby pose > Flat on back while pulling knees apart > kneeling with one leg, other leg out to side for adductors > (optional) Frog pose with feet together > regular Frog pose with feet separated in line with the knees > Yoga squat/malasana > Corpse pose
All these stretches are the ones I found most useful in a routine. See what works for you and develop your own routine. Consistency is the most important. This long stretching routine may not be possible for you to complete regularly so make adjustments, but doing this routine at least 3 days a week is ideal. Stretches such as the yoga squat, supine hamstring stretch, hip flexor stretches, and wall stretches are vital and should be done most days to help relax the pelvic floor. For how long you should hold each stretch, just go by how you and your body feels. Really let go, breathe, and sink into every stretch. On rest days, doing some deep breathing in child’s pose, reclined bound angle pose, flat on back while pulling knees apart, and the happy baby wall pose is really great while trying to do gentle reverse kegels.
You can also work on more individualized stretches for posture to correct anterior pelvic tilt, muscle imbalances, and to release other tight muscles, such as the upper body. Listen to your body if you need to give yourself a rest day from stretching. Adding in a 30-60 minute walk/swim on rest days is incredibly beneficial as well. Eventually, you can also try to learn isometric PNF stretching to incorporate it into some of the stretches such as the kneeling hip flexor stretch and hamstring stretch.
After working to relax and lengthen your pelvic floor through yoga and stretches, I would begin gentle body strengthening exercises that are pelvic floor safe. The pelvic floor is a master compensator. So, if the glutes, adductors, deep hip rotators, transversus abdominis, and other supportive muscles are weak, then the pelvic floor is in the prime position to pick up the slack which leads to a lot of strain on the pelvic floor which results in tightness and dysfunction. You need to strengthen the surrounding muscles to relieve tightness in the pelvic floor. This is where working with a pelvic floor therapist would be helpful to point out safe individualized exercises for you. Yoga will help strengthen your muscles in a safe way too.
The glutes and transversus abdominis in particular are very important to strengthen. Glute bridge, single glute bridge, side lying leg raises, lateral band walks can help build up glute strength. Deadbugs, Bird Dog, 8- point planks, or planks with pelvic floor-friendly modifications, can help to strengthen the transversus abdominis (TVA). Abdominal work may be triggering to your pelvic floor symptoms, especially the 8 point plank, so you can instead look into hypopressive exercises to work the TVA without overworking the pelvic floor. These exercises will help you bring more awareness to your breathing, diaphragm, TVA, and pelvic floor which are all important for recovery. Here is how to find and become aware of the TVA. Do side planks for your oblique ab muscles.
For hip/abductors do the side lying hip abduction exercise, fire hydrants, and the shinbox lunge. For the adductors, do Copenhagen adductor exercise, cossack squats, and an exercise where you squeeze a soft ball between the knees just don’t do any crunch movements with pelvic floor issues. For hamstrings, Nordic hamstring curl/glute ham raises, and single leg bridge. For the back, do supine pelvic tilt. One person even reported that dorsiflexion exercises and stretches were one important element to solve his pelvic floor issues; this is most likely because the ankle bone, like everything else including even our jaw, is connected to the pelvic floor.
Like with anything, do all these exercises in moderation and stop if you sense your pelvic floor is not responding well to them - do them one at a time to see which ones your pelvic floor can handle for now. Here is an exercise routine from another poster that has helped many people. Just be careful of the ab exercises such as the ab wheel and 5 minute planks with your pelvic floor issues - don’t over do it or avoid it if they cause too many symptoms.
Myofascial release and foam rolling to release trigger points also helps a lot of people to relax their pelvic floor muscles and improve blood flow. The glutes are the most important area to target for pelvic floor issues when foam rolling in my experience if you only had limited time. Using a soft ball to lay on and breathe deeply can help release trigger points in the abdominal muscles and psoas which can help you breathe better and relax the pelvic floor. I haven’t done it, but you can also try out a massage gun for myofascial release; just be careful and don’t use it in sensitive pelvic areas. Some men and women also report success using a therawand to release internal trigger points that are causing them pelvic floor dysfunction symptoms.
Walking and swimming for 30-60 minutes are some of the best exercises to lengthen, relax, stretch, and release your pelvic floor, boost blood flow, and help to retain and build strength in muscles that give support to the pelvic floor. Walk or swim for 5+ days a week for the best results. The breaststroke and freestyle are very helpful for pelvic floor sufferers. Along with swimming, people also use an elliptical at a low resistance to help provide a cardio workout that is safer for your pelvic floor.
Fix your posture. Pelvic floor issues and hard flaccid syndrome are closely associated with Anterior Pelvic Tilt and other postural issues. Get evaluated by a physical therapist so that they can give you exercises and stretches to fix it. You could also look into the Postural Restoration institute and see one of their providers and try to implement some of their exercises. In the meantime, here is one video playlist on how to fix APT. Another video to fix APT says to stretch the hip flexors, lower back, while focusing on strengthening the abs, glutes, and hamstrings. Make sure that you sit and walk with good posture - watch this to learn how to walk correctly - activate your glutes during each step and push off with your back foot!. I also recommend getting a standing desk to try to avoid sitting for long periods of time.
Weight training can be effective for boosting active androgen receptors in the body to increase testosterone and DHT levels. However, you need to make sure that it isn’t making your pelvic floor symptoms worse which defeats the purpose. If you are going to lift weights with pelvic floor issues, don’t lift heavy, do any intensive ab workouts, or any other exercises that can put extra strain on your pelvic floor. Do lifts where you can sit down instead of standing up. Start with yoga, stretching, and gentle body exercises to relax your pelvic floor and strengthen surrounding muscles before incorporating consistent weight training. I highly recommend, however, just sticking with yoga and pelvic floor safe body weight exercises to build strength instead. Those with PSSD without pelvic floor dysfunction may benefit a lot from lifting weights, high-intensity interval training, and doing bodyweight exercises such as squats regularly to boost androgen receptors and DHT. Remember to see a pelvic floor therapist to get evaluated first before starting any weight lifting because many people have pelvic floor issues without even realizing it.
Work on your mental health. Anxiety can worsen pelvic floor issues. Just as dogs tuck and tense their tails when stressed, we tense our pelvic floors which are directly connected to our tailbone where we used to have tails ourselves in our evolutionary history. As we are impacted by sexual dysfunction and pelvic floor dysfunction symptoms, we become anxious along with other negative emotions which leads to more pelvic floor tension symptoms due to the fight or flight mode response causing even more anxiety leading to more symptoms. It is a vicious cycle that needs to break by not becoming anxious and negative when we experience pelvic floor symptoms or hard flaccid and instead let go, accept, and realize that it is a normal process when trying to heal because sometimes our muscles that are used to that tightness don't want to let go of the tension we hold in our pelvic floors. Daily yoga, meditation, stretching, and walking will help with anxiety. I would also see a mental health therapist because all of these issues are deeply traumatic and we cannot go through this alone. We often hold tension in the form of emotions and trauma in our bodies, especially our pelvic floor and genital areas. By openly talking about these issues with a therapist, it will help us process and release our emotions and trauma that we are holding inside our bodies to improve our anxiety, relax our pelvic floor, and to let go of all of our tension. Many people who healed their hard flaccid and pelvic floor issues said that solving their anxiety and negative thoughts by talking to a mental health counselor was vital in recovery. The mind-body connection is so powerful, and it directly impacts our pelvic floor. Those who are stuck in the cycle of experiencing pelvic floor symptoms leading to anxiety and negative thoughts will also benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you can do by yourself like in this video or preferably with a trained therapist. Here is an informative mini lecture on how stress impacts the pelvic floor.
I would also definitely go on a healthy anti-inflammatory diet. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, marijuana, and other substances. Avoid foods and liquids that can trigger pelvic floor inflammation such as highly acidic fruits and veggies, carbonated beverages, very spicy foods, and artificial sugars. To maintain a healthy gut to reduce inflammation in your body I recommend trying a low-histamine probiotic supplement along with eating healthy. You should also work on preventing or fixing constipation; eat a lot of soluble fiber to not get constipated - take a supplement such as metamucil if you have to. Check the Bristol stool shape chart to identify if you are constipated because even mild constipation can contribute to pelvic floor tension. This is because the constipation leads to a lot of pressure being put on your rectum and pelvic floor leading to the muscles becoming weak and dysfunctional. I am willing to bet many of you are constipated and don’t know it because it isn’t just whether you go regularly, it is also how your stool is shaped. People with pelvic floor disorders are at a high risk of constipation which makes their tension and dysfunction worse which then worsens the constipation, another cycle to fix. I recommend getting a Squatty Potty to reduce strain on the pelvic floor during elimination.
To help heal hard flaccid and pelvic floor issues, never watch pornography again (this is vital). Go on NoFap for 90+ days to help heal your brain and body from any unhealthy pornography and sexual habits you have partaken in. Pornography leads to involuntary kegels, a tight pelvic floor, desensitizes you, and messes up the dopamine and arousal circuitry in your brain. Don’t climax too often. Learn how to reverse kegel by yourself and during sexual activities. Never edge or regular kegel - it leads to pelvic floor tightness and dysfunction - just relax your arousal through a reverse kegel. Keep your pelvic floor relaxed during sexual activities.
Stay strong and never give up. You will heal. Thank you for reading.

When I was 25 I was a general manager at a restaurant . I was a workaholic and loved by my company. I was the youngest general manager ever in the company. I was also the only female in the region. I had an on again off again Greek boy friend. It was going no where because I wasn’t Greek. I met Andres at work. He hated me cause I was a bitch and could care less about his drama. All the girls that worked there begged him to hang out with him. There came a time where there were only two managers and we had to work day shift and night shift every day for 3 months. To have a day off the other person had to work a double. I chose to work nights and the other manager did days. I lived at work for those 3 months. Andres worked nights and so did his mother. I loved his mom Agnes always talked to me. Eventually I had a good working relationship with Andres. I was getting ready to more and was telling a cook I had no one to help me and it sucked. Andres said he was off that day and could help me. I was glad to accept his help. He was 19 and not my type. He helped me move and never left my apt. We had to keep our relationship a secret cause I would lose my job. He lived with me and it killed me when his mom said she was worried cause he was living somewhere else. After 6 months I got a new job because I didn’t want to get fired. Andres told his mother about us and she never really some to me after that. After a year he convinced me to move closer to his family and friends . He wasn’t horrible then so I trusted him. We moved into and apartment, painted, decorated and that was the beginning of the end. He could never keep a job. I called in so many favors to get him jobs and he would fuck it up. I met Maria at a party she was a general manager of a Mexican restaurant. She asked me to come work for her. I was completely in Andres’s world. He began to drink and party while I worked. The rumors of him cheating on me were everywhere. He started to get violent. The first time he grabbed my neck and slammed my head into a door multiple times I didn’t know what I did wrong. It became normal to be shoved into walls. He would break stuff and throw his blood at me. Holes in the wall, always degrading me. He would disappear, no calls, he would return drunk and I would cower in fear. My lease on the apartment was almost up and I was going to leave him. I was safe at work so I was always there. I covered bruises on my face neck and arms. I would come home and he and his friends would be smoking pot and drinking. If I didn’t have sec with him he would say I was cheating and then I was hurt. Then I found out I was pregnant. He was okay with it but it was a strange type of okay. I was not going to stay with him. I called my mom to tell her. She demanded I marry him so her first grandchild wasn’t a bastard. I did not want to marry him. I knew it was a mistake. My mom planned her dream wedding. She even picked my dress. I felt like I should have been happy but it was so not a happy time. I slept at my moms the night before. Andres and his friends drank. He did not invite his family and it should have been a red flag. As I walk down the path I could see how drunk he was. His brother was holding him steady. No heart felt vows just simple and easy. His smell was making me gag. The first dance was to a song that I let the band pick. The whole night was me talking to people and him staggering. Just to say it I want someone to get down on a knee and ask me to marry them, I don’t need a fancy wedding, I want to pick my dress and have vows that mean something. This was no fairytale. Being pregnant was great. He stopped hitting me and no more sex. I went to drs appointments by myself and worked. We moved again but into a townhouse so Abby could have a room. She had pretty white furniture and a pink quilt being hung by stars. I didn’t have a baby shower, I wish I did. As much as I was in my bubble of Abby but the fear lingered. He yelled, cursed. And disappeared. He didn’t help me with the move and I did it 6 months pregnant with my little sister and her bf. I cleaned up beer cans and bottles daily. He got a job that was an hour away. He drank all day at work and drove home so drunk. In the start of our relationship he got a dui I payed 13,000 to get it all settled. I was scared he would get another one but kinda hoped he would go to jail. I was at work and I had a bad headache. It was so bad and I haven’t had any issues. Maria told me to go see my dr I was 7 months at that point. I went to the dr and they looked me over. They sent me home and said rest. I got home and went to bed. My dr called and asked me to go to the hospital to get cheated. My arms were a little swollen and my BP was a little high. I asked my mom to drive me so she and her husband drove me to the hospital. I was admitted because I had preeclampsia. They hooked me up to monitors and I called Andre’s. He was home but could barely form a sentence. My step dad went to get him. My water broke and it was go time. I laid in the bed in pain. Andres barely walks in and came to kiss me he was so gross I couldn’t even stand it. When the dr came in and we talked I told my parents to leave the room cause I did not want them there the dr stopped me he said he need Andre’s to leave because he was so drunk he want my parents to stay so the could support me. I told him I’d have him sit till the baby was born. He agreed but said he would remove him if he became a problem. My parents sat in a corner and Andre’s slept. The nurse was so nice and spent time talking to me. I was alone, just like the whole pregnancy. After a few hours Abby was born and sent to the nice. She was a preme . My parents left and took Andre’s home. After a few hours my mom came back with a ride and slippers and she went down to the nicu to see Abby. She was so tiny but so perfect. My instant love for her made me no longer want to live this life. Abby came home after 5 days. Andre’s didn’t really help but came home drunk again every night. It started again. I was doing the dishes and I asked me to bring me his dishes. He threw his glass at me and hit right below my neck, the glass broke and as I was on the ground bleeding he kicked me a few times and left. Abby and I went to the hospital I got 3 stitches and broke two ribs he left for a few days. I changed to locks he kicked in the door, destroyed my rocking chair and came after me. I ran to Abby’s room and locked the door. I put her in her crib so she was safe . He kicked in the door grabbed me by the hair and dragged me down the stairs, I don’t remember much after that but when I woke up I was bleeding and he was gone. I crawled up the stairs got Abby feed her changed her and put her to sleep he came a few more times and just kicked the crap out of me. Abby was always safe. I got the doors fixed he was gone for about 6 days then my friend Maria called me and told me to leave my house right now. He boy friend worked with Andre’s, apparently he had been drinking for days and told Denise he was coming home to kill me and left work. I packed up Abby’s and left. When he got home he called me telling me to come home or he would start killing pets. Only thing I could do was call the police. They went there he was passed out with the door open. He got violent with them and he was arrested. He was in jail it was over. It wasn’t I didn’t answer his calls he call my step dad begging for help. I never wanted him to be able to tell Abby that I never tried to help him. My parent got him out of jail and he went to a Christian rehab. I was forced to go to church and invited church people into my life… it was fucking awful. I lived with my parents for 3 months he was gone and I was happy and free. At3 months my parents brought him home. My mom told me to try and save the marriage I rented us a house close to my older sister and we moved in. I worked and he stayed at home with Abby. I built him a gym in the basement. I went through the motion but I was not I love with him anymore. I came home and his brother was over and hanging out with Abby. Andre’s was in the basement and blasting music. His brother told me to take Abby and leave. Before I could react Andre’s walked into the living room naked. He started smashing stuff punching holes in the doors breaking windows I grabbed Abby and ran to the door his brother tried to stop him but he got me by the hair, I jabbed my thumb into his eye and got away. I went to my sisters house we were close at that time but she brushed off the fight and told me to get over it and go home. No one ever really knew the details except Maria. I went home he was asleep I slept in Abby’s room. I was off the next day he said it was a one time mistake and he wasn’t going to drink again. A few weeks went by and my boss asked me is I could pick up a bottle of wine for a gift. I went to the liquor store around the corner from my house. The guy saw my key chain and said are you Abby’s mom? He proceeded to tell me how cute she was and he sees her everyday. That was it I went home and stayed awake all night. He was drinking while he kept Abby and that was never going to happen again. I had to go to my mother and tell her parts of the truth. I took Abby and went to her house and told her some stuff. I never went back. I got a great divorce attorney who made sure Andre’s would take nothing and never see Abby again. He came by train the day to sign the papers I picked him up and he couldn’t form a sentence. Everyone ignored that he was so drunk. Just like that Abby was safe. She was all that mattered she saved me cause I loved her more than I loved myself. Without Abby I would have never left. The abuse was so bad. He told me he cheated on me the whole time I was pregnant so that I didn’t have to have sex he did me a favor. Also the night before our wedding he sept with a couple girls in my bed. He cheated on me our whole relationship. I’m lucky I didn’t get germs. No one has ever listen to me about the abuse, I was told I was dramatic, no one saw marks and they would have known if it was true. My mom blamed me for wasting her money on a wedding. He got deported 2 years later for beating up his girlfriend she called me to get sympathy. I felt so special that this handsome man wanted to be with me. I had no self worth. But I will never be fooled by a beautiful package ever again. I’m glad I lived but wish I could tell someone the full story and have them listen. I’m sad that I wasted so many firsts on him

Hello good people of Watts Island. I’m back to talk a little about Shanann’s friends and do something akin to ‘Who were they and where are they now?”
The idea behind this post came from “Beyond the Headlines: The Watts Family Tragedy” that I recently watched on YouTube. I have much to say about these interviews and the narrative that was and is forced on the public regarding Shanann and her relationship with Chris.
So, let’s get into it.
The Watts Family Tragedy Includes Never-Before-Seen Footage Beyond The Headlines Special LMN
Maybe some of you have seen this before and maybe some have not, me included. I came across this just a few nights ago and I feel there are some things that could be addressed. A “set the record straight” if you will. I figured that we would use this opportunity to talk about these women who call Shanann their “friend”, their connection to her and what has happened in their lives since this crime made them semi-famous.
Most of you know that I have researched this crime relentlessly. I have learned a lot about the people involved. I also became very familiar with the business of MLM’s and the dichotomy that exists in the friendships that develop within them. It’s all very, very interesting. After reading all of this, go back and rewatch the above video once again. It has a performance vibe to it. Shanann’s gruesome demise brought fame and glory to Thrive and its promoters and many of them still use their connection to her to bring in sales. We will get into that later.
The main characters to discuss in this video are:
Cristina Meacham, Cassandra Rosenberg, Cindy Derossett, and CBI Agent Tammy Lee. We will touch on Mr Rourke and Mr. Wrenn but this is about the women and their connection to Shanann. There is also a news reporter featured in the show but she is a paid talking head, so not of interest to me. She is merely the messenger of the narrative. She did not actually construct it. However, she had a big part in pushing it out into the world.
On with the show…
I want to start with Cristina Meacham. Before I give you my thoughts on her interview, I want to say that the loss of her husband, Deloye (DJ) is a tragedy and I feel for her and her daughter.
DJ was a retired US military serviceman. He was a certified diving instructor and owned his own recreational diving company in Hawaii called Deco Divers. On October 13, 2023, just two days after Cristina returned from Puerto Rico where she had attended the funeral of her grandmother, DJ passed away from complications that occurred while he was diving in shallow water. He suffered from some sort of emergency while in the water and died as a result. He was 53.
The Meacham’s appeared to have had a good marriage if you believe what’s on social media. But we all know that things aren’t always what they seem. That’s neither here nor there. Cristina and Nickole Atkinson have always seemed the most genuine of Shanann’s “friend group” (their words not mine.) Cristina struck me as honest. Yes, she is a hunbot. Yes, she does participate in an MLM. But she doesn’t sell the fake lifestyle like Shanann did. At least, not as aggressively.
I think the two women were close. Talking on the phone everyday. Brainstorming on how to coax more suckers into promoting Thrive. But Cristina’s livelihood didn’t hinge on building a bigger downline. Shanann had quit her job and Chris’ paycheck didn’t begin to cover their basic expenses.
Back in 2015, while Shanann was still working and making decent pay, money was extremely tight. The house payment alone absorbed over half of his monthly salary. After utilities, car insurance, minimum credit card payments, Shanann’s shopping habits, clothing and food, the Watts were well into the red. Shanann juggled the bills each month in order to try and keep them afloat. But it didn’t work and in June of that same year, the Watts filed for bankruptcy protection.
By Chris’ account, he was floored by the need to file bankruptcy. Shanann had complete control over their finances. She insisted and Chris wasn’t one to tell her ‘no.’ She chose to marry him, in part, because of that little fact. Chris was easily pushed around by his wife. He was conflict avoidant by nature. Combine that and his fear of Shanann’s italian temper and you have a recipe for financial disaster.
By the time summer of 2018 had rolled around their money problems were significantly worse. Shanann no longer worked that decent paying job. The girls were now enrolled full time at Primrose to the tune of $500 per week. Still, Shanann would pump hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars a month into promoting Thrive. This meant that the house payment would go unpaid for months at a time and/or only partial payments were made. The HOA had filed suit against the Watts for unpaid dues that stretched back more than a year.
Shanann knew that things had gotten to the breaking point where money was concerned. She used deceptive tactics to draw friends and family into the Thrive pyramid scheme. Maybe this is why Cristina Meacham always appeared genuine to me. Her sales pitch didn’t have the desperation behind it like Shanann’s. I suspect that the majority of the women promoting Thrive were in the same predicament as Shanann. Trying to keep a roof over their families heads is hard when your fake lifestyle soaks up all of the money. They continue to throw money at the Thrive monster in order to keep up appearances in hopes that some poor schmuck will fall for the same tired sales pitch and go all in on promoting the product. Downlines on downlines on downlines. It’s impossible for someone like Shanann to make this MLM business structure lucrative. It’s not going to happen. Most huns see it fairly quickly and this is why most of these “sales consultants” LOL actually throw in the towel in the first 6 months. The super hunbots with delusions of grandeur sacrifice everything they and their partner have built in pursuit of the life they “deserve” despite it being completely unrealistic. These women build teams of lovebombing stepford wives, all of which are hell bent on clawing their way to the top of the pyramid.
With this dynamic at play in all MLM’s it’s hard to know if the relationships between hunbots are legitimate or if they are a product of the MLM. Cristina may have been “close” to Shanann but in the MLM game that doesn’t necessarily equate to genuine friendship.
Let’s keep it real. Cristina was in the front row of the Shanann Show more than once. The first week and half of August 2018 had Cristina in the trenches. Shanann texted her literally day and night spouting hateful accusations at Ronnie and Cindy Watts. Followed by prolonged rants on why Chris didn’t want to touch her or talk to her. Cristina could surely see why Chris may have been upset with his wife. Anyone with any semblance of normalcy could read those text messages and see that Shanann was not a supportive or caring wife. She wanted her husband to choose her side in a battle she orchestrated against his family. A highly disordered personality has to be the culprit.
Cristina is used in the voiceover during the intro of the show. She speaks in a strange tone that I hadn’t heard from her before. I have watched an embarrassing amount of this woman’s social media content and believe me when I say that this voice is new.
Cristina has a lot to say about who Shanann was and while I don’t believe that their friendship was anything rock solid, I do think that Cristina knew Shanann better than anyone else outside of her husband and family.
Cristina was starting to get a picture of the real Shanann, though. The text exchanges between Shanann and Cristina during July and August 2018, were eye opening to me. I have read and reread some of those messages and found myself shaking my head in disbelief. Shanann was not a nice person. Cristina has had years to mull over the details. She didn’t seem comfortable with the way Shanann was treating her husband and in-laws. Her responses to Shanann’s vitriol are interesting. They suggest to me that after spending eight weeks at Saratoga Trail and watching Shanann in her element, Cristina was seeing things for what they were. Shanann wanted to be in control. If her wants and needs weren’t met, there was going to be a problem. She was a bully and a…bitch honestly. Cristina resorted to the obligatory head nodding after her initial attempts to encourage Shanann to be calm and level-headed failed miserably.
While Cristina and Koral were in Colorado in late summeearly fall of 2017. Shanann was in the throes of Thrive and most of us know what that entailed.
Shanann had quit her job at the hospital to Thrive full time. The girls were dropped off at daycare at approximately 7 am each weekday morning, where they stayed for nine plus hours. Chris was sent to retrieve them after his twelve hour shift ended at Anadarko. He brought them home where he was tasked with bathing, feeding, brushing teeth, administering meds, and reading bedtime stories, before putting them to bed by 6:30 pm. Shanann would often make Chris perform live for her Facebook friends in addition to his nightly dad duties. Giving piggyback rides on camera. Dutifully obeying his wife's demands to do pushups and squats with screaming children clutching his neck and head. All of this is punctuated by being the punchline to all of Shanann’s not-so-funny, mean jokes. The laundry was always waiting patiently for his attention after the girls were put to bed. Sometimes even the dishes were on his list of things to do before he was allowed to rest after his long day.
Cristina knows all of this. She was right in the thick of the action, so to speak. Not only was she a witness to this unequaled dynamic but she also utilized Shanann’s beast of burden herself on many occasions, as he was also a great babysitter. Cristina trusted Chris, once upon a time. Trusted him so much that she would leave her toddler in his care while she and Shanann took a weekend trip to Las Vegas. She also left Koral with Chris several nights per week. Shanann and Cristina went to dinners, movies, bars, etc while Chris stayed at home with both of his toddlers and Cristina’s as well. He didn’t even have access to a vehicle during these times. What kind of man would put up with that kind of treatment? A nice man. A genuinely nice man. That’s who Chris was and Cristina Meacham knows it.
Her knowledge of what their marriage was really like behind the doors on Saratoga Trail is the reason why Cristina doesn’t shed one real tear in the above video. Look closely. No tears. Her voice lifts and squeaks as though it is full of confusion and emotion but there’s no there, there. Performative.
Cristina knows that Chris was an excellent father and husband until that day in August. She also knows that Shanann pushed and pushed and pushed. It was her way or no way at all.
They use a few of Shanann’s text messages as proof of her broken heart after Chris began to pull away but what they don’t show is the manipulation and abuse that filled the other 99% of her texts during that same time period. The way that Shanann spoke about her husband and his family in text messages she sent to Cristina Meacham during the summer of 2018 shows the real, down and dirty deal. It is more than obvious from Cristina’s replies to those messages that she knew Shanann was full of hatred and malice toward Chris’ parents and sister. Hell, not even his young niece and nephew were safe from Shanann’s vitriol. It’s not as if Cristina hadn’t been privy to that side of Shanann. She had seen it firsthand. This is why Cristina cries with dry eyes.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe that Cristina is affected by the loss of someone who was a big part of her life in the final two years leading up to the murders. But what you can’t convince me of is that Cristina truly believes that Shanann was the living, breathing angel that she is portrayed to have been.
If there is anyone outside of Shanann and Chris' respective families who saw who Shanann really was, it’s Cristina Meacham.
Cristina ruminates on the atrocities that Chris committed that August morning. Strangely though, she leaves the girls out of their own murder. It’s quite obvious that the point of this whole thing is to shove that same old narrative down our throats. That Shanann was an angel and Chris is the devil. They pushed this on the public from the day that Chris was arrested. There was no investigation. No defense team to pull the skeletons out of the closet and dust them off for the world to see. No friends or family of Chris were given a platform to tell their truth. Nope. It was and still is the “Shanann Show.” Propagated by the Weld county DA’s office, the Rzucek family and the powers that be at LeVel.
Cristina’s description of Shanann is a caricature. Maybe this is why the tears just aren’t there. She calls Shanann a good person and a good wife to Chris. Would a good wife insist that her husband cut all ties with his parents for the 2nd time in six years? Do good people use Facebook as a weapon against their in-laws? Does a good wife heap all of the childcare and chores on her husband every evening after he worked a 12 hour shift? While she sat at home and spent money that they simply did not have? These are just small examples of the shit that Shanann put Chris through. We won’t even talk about how she separated Chris from his family and friends through manipulation and deceit. She made sure that he had no life outside of the house on Saratoga Trail. Even his position at Anadarko was for Shanann’s benefit. His work as a mechanic just didn’t fit into her vision for him. How can she call Shanann a good person when she was well aware that Shanann used her children as leverage against the people that loved them? It’s honestly disgusting.
If Cristina was such a close friend of Shanann’s, why didn’t she speak up and tell her that the way she treated her husband was wrong? Cristina had the chance to bring some truth and clarity to the situation while Shanann and Chris were still in North Carolina? The way that Shanann insulted and degraded her husband and his family was shameful. Cristina never once spoke up to bring Shanann back down to earth. That’s not a real friend.
Let’s talk about Cassie Rosenberg. Oh, Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. Shanann’s champion and “best friend.” Cassie is one of those people that were made for MLM’s and the like. Opportunistic but likable and empathetic. She dove into Thrive, head first. Just like Shanann. She was fresh off of a foreclosure and feeling low when Thrive rescued her and her husband, Josh from a life of boredom and laziness.
Shanann and Cassie met around November of 2017. Cassie lived in Arizona with her husband Josh and their three children. Stair step in ages. Two girls and one boy if I remember right. Not really sure as the Rosenberg children didn’t get the screen time that Bella and Celeste were forced to endure. Then again, Cassie had an actual career. She is an RN and therefore worked during the day instead of sitting at home and playing on her phone.
Cassie and Shanann instantly clicked during their initial meeting. Cassie had been part of Shanann’s invisible audience by way of her involvement in Thrive. Cassie was drawn to Shanann’s Thrive celebrity so to speak. Cassie was new to LeVel when the murders occurred.
Then there’s Cindy Derossett. She is another Thriver. She also lives in Arizona. Cindy is a LeVel millionaire recipient who owns a small boutique in Queen Creek, AZ. She has been with LeVel for 10 years.
So, here we have three of Shanann’s fellow Thrivers speaking about her character, pushing out the agreed upon narrative to the public. There are so many things wrong with this and it’s difficult to pick a place to start.
Why were these women chosen for this program? I understand that Cristina Meacham was probably the closest thing Shanann had to a real friend. Even though their friendship was transactional, Cristina knew Shanann for fourteen years. Even if you didn’t count the twelve years that they didn’t see one another, Cristina was still Shanann’s oldest friend. Yes, that’s correct. While Shanann had hoards of acquaintances that she would eventually pester to join the Thrive experience, she had no close friends before she joined LeVel.
Back to the question of why these particular women were chosen to represent who Shanann was in life…I believe they were the only people who would or could give the public what it wanted; a tragic main character that propagated sympathy.
Cassie wonders whether we ever really “know” someone else. She questions how Chris could commit such a horrible act without showing any signs of what was to come.
Of course it’s possible to truly “know” others. However, Cassie barely knew Chris. It hadn’t even been a full year since she had initially met Shanann face to face. Trips they took with LeVel were their only physical interactions with one another until the Rosenbergs popped up in Colorado during that holiday weekend in 2018. Of course Cassie didn’t know Chris and truthfully she barely knew Shanann.
Cindy began her “friendship” with Shanann on Facebook. Cindy was a Thriver from way back and she was introduced to Shanann by Addy Maloney.
Cindy, who calls herself a “spiritual coach” and motivational speaker, is an accomplished lovebomber. If you didn’t know better you would think that Cindy Derossett had been an integral part of the lives of Shanann and the girls. She had never actually met either of Shanann’s daughters. Cindy would see Chris on the LeVel trips but that was the extent of her relationship with him. She barely knew this family and yet, here she is on television speaking about them as though she were some kind of authority on who they were.
Both Cassie and Cindy agree that everyone that met Shanann couldn’t help but be her friend. If that were true then why was it that Shanann had no friends to speak of before joining Thrive? Sure, Shanann knew a lot of people and she would often refer to them as “friends” but in reality Shanann couldn’t maintain anything deeper than a surface level connection. Interpersonal relationships couldn’t be sustained.
She was engaging and fun on the surface but that would change as the relationship progressed. There were no friends outside of Thrive. Even the women she met before she started Thrive were eventually used to expand her downline.
While reading the text messages between Shanann and her circle, it’s obvious that each of these relationships were centered around Shanann. It was her problems that were discussed. It was her accomplishments that were celebrated. Every conversation was dictated by whatever it was that Shanann had going on in her life. Shanann surrounded herself with empathetic people in order to exploit them. Like Chris.

Cassie and Cindy are asked to describe Bella and Cece. I, myself, who have never met those children, would have done better. Their answers are full of platitudes that have been repeated over and over for the last five years. Neither of them say anything heartfelt about the girls. 

This is because Cindy had never met either Bella or Celeste. She saw via Shanann’s facebook posts but she had never actually been in the same room with them.
Cassie had only met the Watts girls once. This was in May of 2018 when the Rosenbergs traveled to Colorado for a local that Shanann was hosting. The family of 5 spent the Memorial Day weekend with the Watts on Saratoga Trail.
Both girls spent 9 hours a day, five days a week at daycare. They were in bed by 6:30 every evening.
On the weekends, Chris kept the kids out of Shanann’s hair so she could “run with her amazing team.”
So when exactly did Cassie and Cindy spend enough time with Bella and Cece that would constitute them being asked to speak about them post mortem??
At first I didn’t get it. It took a moment or two for me to catch on to why these people were invited to tell their story. People that didn’t really know them.
Then it clicked. This entire production was about Shanann.
This show aired for the first time in 2020. Just about the time that this case was generating renewed interest for different reasons.
Two years had passed since the murders occurred. Plenty of time to read and reread the discovery. Shanann’s facebook videos were compiled on YouTube channels and sent out to the morbidly curious. Like myself. Two years it took for people to begin to question the narrative. Was Shanann an innocent victim in this crime? Was she a good wife and mother who was married to a monster?
Or, was there something else to see here?
These women were brought into this case by way of their MLM connection to Shanann but they have remained as main characters to push the narrative. They have told us that Shanann was everything right in the world and Chris killed her because he was a cheating, lying piece of shit.
While some of you may believe all of that to be true, there are those of us who dug deeper into the lives of the Watts family leading up to the murders and what we have found flipped the case upside down. It’s the reason that this case remains in the front row of the true crime cases that we can’t let go.
The has-it-all image Shanann presented on social media was a dissimilation. Behind closed doors she had created an environment filled with intense levels of stress for her family.
Chris and the girls lived in constant apprehension. Creating a perfect picture for the outside world had become a responsibility for this family and anyone that threatened it would be discounted. Shanann’s selfishness caused uncertainty, insecurity, depression and probably fear.
Cristina, Cassie and Cindy talk as though they had spent considerable time with them when in fact they had not.
Truthfully, they barely knew Shanann. The amazing mom and wife that they were acquainted with was a veneer and the lifestyle that she showed off on social media was a sham. Nothing but a simulation of the life she dreamed of having.
Pay attention to what it is that they are saying and not saying about Shanann. Their characterization of her is anecdotal. The entire vibe is disingenuous and insipid.
Cristina insists that Shanann was a go-getter and was determined to create the best life for her family. But is that really true? Is that what she was attempting to achieve? Or was she hung up on material things? People who spend their families into financial ruin aren’t caring for them properly. Sliding into a second bankruptcy and a foreclosure on their home so that she could keep up the traveling, wealthy, suburban mom facade isn’t what I would call “trying to create the best life for her family.” Her vision board was a testament to her mindset. Yachts, beach houses, the list goes on and on. Someone with this kind of juvenile thinking isn’t what I would call a “go-getter.”
Cindy claims Shanann taught her girls how to love. Again, how would Cindy know this to be true? Teaching them to love? By fostering a golden child/scapegoat dynamic between them? By encouraging them to throw their food at their dad when they were displeased or impatient? How about when she screamed at their Mimi that they would never step foot in their grandparents home again?
Was it love she was teaching them when she dressed them up in lovely clothes every year to sit on Santa’s lap and find entertainment in their terror and distrust?
But most importantly of all…was she teaching them to love when she subjected them to her own sadistic form of Babywise from the minute they were born? Leaving them alone in their cribs to cry-it-out?
Cindy says when Shanann posted videos to Facebook, it was their “joy” to watch. It was likely they were required to watch by their MLM leaders.
Cassie calls Shanann “captivating” but all I saw was the exploitation of her children.
The reporter even dodges the facts by claiming that Shanann’s “main job” was as a consultant for a nutritional supplement company. There’s no way that this educated woman doesn’t know that Shanann was participating in an MLM. A pyramid scheme does not equate to a “main job.” Mostly because that “main job” doesn’t actually pay you for your work.
We will continue my reaction to Beyond the Headlines: The Watts Family Tragedy, later this week. I have a lot to say.
Thanks for reading.
Del
Pt2 https://www.reddit.comDel_Boca_Vista_4eva/s/keBnGlmySn
Pt3 https://www.reddit.comDel_Boca_Vista_4eva/s/WMm7qWetaY

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