List of adjectives to describe personality traits

This week's book club list is as follows (enjoy reading and comment which your favourite is below):
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1. The Lost Art of Compassion: Discovering the Practice of Happiness in the Meeting of Buddhism and Psychology by Lorne Ladner: Dr Lorne Ladner rescues compassion from this marginalised view, showing how its practical application in our life can be a powerful force in achieving happiness. Combining the wisdom of Tibetan Buddhism and Western psychology, Ladner presents clear, effective practices for cultivating compassion in daily living.
2. Choosing Happiness: Keys to a Joyful Life by Alexandra Stodda: Happiness lies in the passions we pursue and in the pressures we decline. It is in knowing how to work and when to play. It is in the treasured objects we keep nearby and in the ordinary moments we elevate into small celebrations. It is in the note we write to a friend and the kindness we show a stranger. It is in the colors we love and the music that transports us. It may be as simple as sunlight on your face; as sudden as a shared smile; as sensuous as a single flower on your desk, candles on your nightstand, or cookies hot from the oven. Happiness is what you make it, where you make it. Happiness is our best choice.
3. Health, Wealth and Happiness: You Can Control Your Destiny by David Singh: David Singh's dramatic journey from the jungles of Guyana to the helm of one of Canada's largest financial planning companies provides the backdrop for this guide to lasting happiness. Advocating wise investments, careful planning, and healthy eating choices, this inspirational book uncovers the secrets to a happier and more successful life.
4. What All the World's A-Seeking: Or, The Vital Law of True Life, True Greatness Power and Happiness by Ralph Waldo Trine: Ralph Waldo Trine was an influential member of the New Thought movement. He was one of the first people to write about the Law of Attraction. Long before Rhonda Byrne discovered the secret that one's positive thoughts are powerful magnets that attract wealth, health, and happiness, Trine already knew it.
5. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin Seligman: I have read about 80 pages and I am enjoying Seligmen's friendly, engaging writing style so far. Also, there are interesting facts about each person's 'range' of happiness being fixed on a spectrum.Great so far. Will attempt to update review when I have completed the book.
6. Happiness Hypothesis: Putting Ancient Wisdom to the Test of Modern Science by Jonathan Haidt: Jonathon Haidt is a terrifically productive thinker about psychology. This is book is a credo and a guide book to your own happiness via an accomplished romp through the psychological literature which Haidt uses to explore the truths of ancient religion. I'm surprised it's not a wild best seller, but I think I know why - it doesn't have an singular and catchy formula for your salvation which you can learn in your lunchtime and hear about ad nauseam on late night TV infomercials. Just well written, well thought out commentary on the formula for a happy and fulfilled life distilled from the psychological literature.
7. It's All in Your Head: Thinking Your Way to Happiness by Stephen M. Pollan, Mark Levine: If you've ever wanted to have a conversation with someone on a normal level about undoing negative thinking patterns, this book is about the closest you'll ever get in written form. The style is conversational, pragmatic, and realistic. Kind of like talking to a favorite uncle or aunt who is just "on the mark" about dealing with life. The book focuses on 8 behaviothought patterns that hinder us from being happy NOW, and provides simple, easy "exercises" to do to help overcome them. It is also one of those rare self-help books that the whole family can read, enjoy, and profit from. In my opinion, this book is better than any other I've read by Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Nathaniel Branden, and many others. If you've ever thought you can be happier, YOU CAN, and this book can help you get there.
8. Handbook on the Economics of Happiness by Luigino Bruni, Pier Luigi Porta: This Handbook provides an unprecedented forum for discussion of the economic issues relating to happiness. It reviews the more recent literature and offers the interested reader an insight into the vast scope of the field in terms of the theory, its applications and also experimental design. The Handbook also gives substantial indications as to the future direction of research in the field, with particular regard to policy applications and developing an economics of interpersonal relations which includes reciprocity and social interaction theory.
9. Freeing your child from negative thinking: powerful, practical strategies to build a lifetime of resilience, flexibility, and happiness by Tamar E. Chansky: This book is excellent for those who wish to embrace Food Combining i.e. what has become known as the Hay Diet. It is where one avoids mixing starch-based foods and protein-based foods in the same meal.
10. The 7 Steps of Spiritual Intelligence: The Practical Pursuit of Purpose, Success and Happiness Volume by Richard A. Bowell: Pioneering researcher and educator Richard Bowell delivers the first and only self-help guide to the power of spiritual intelligence (SQ)-the next evolutionary stage in our pursuit of purpose, success, and happiness. He introduces the latest breakthroughs in neuro-science. Life lessons from such exceptional individuals as Nelson Mandela to Ghandi and Mother Theresa take readers on a self-guided journey to personal development and growth.

So, which one are you picking up next or have read? Let us know with a comment and upvote and share this post and our sub bodychemistry to stay tuned for more reading lists every week!
Love, marmalada

Hi guys, I’ll start by prefacing that I’m quite a skeptic person and never really had an interest in the paranormal at all. This experience changed my skepticism, but I’ve not researched if what I experienced is common, if it has a name or if there are any theories as to what it might have been. Would love to know your opinions.
I’m going to try and be as detailed as I can, and talk about some smaller surrounding events go down to the paragraph with “main encounter” for the main encounter if you don’t want to read everything.
This experience happened back in 2014. A few small things happened before the encounter. I had a toy- the London 2012 one eyed Olympic mascot that would play a song & dance when you pressed a button on its foot. On two occasions this toy turned on by itself, both times in the middle of the night, it would sing, dance & then stop abruptly. It would not complete the full dance cycle. I did a lot of research into this and convinced myself that it was caused by faulty batteries. Apparently that’s a thing, so it very well may have idk.
Next, I was having a shower home alone when the light turned off. The flip was psychically switched. I was the only one home. This could be just a bad switch, it’s not really enough for me to consider paranormal. But worth mentioning in the context.
Then things got a bit stranger, I woke up randomly in the middle of the night to see what seemed like a black tall shadow, but standing up, not like a shadow on the floor. It was facing me but wasn’t in my room it was just outside the doorway in the corridor. As quick as I saw it, it had moved out of view, I immediately ran after it, because I knew if I didn’t confirm it wasn’t a ghost it would freak me out for weeks. I was 13 or so back then. so I got up and ran into the corridor and just about saw a black blurr enter my parents room via the half opened door I run in and nothing was there. I don’t know if this one was a paranormal experience. The whole thing happened extremely fast and I had just woken up that very second. It it was strange. But I have sleep paralysis like twice a week, maybe this was a particularly strong case of it.
Main encounter;
So, the main experience. I was 16 now, with my sister 18, it’s a school morning and we’re in the living room. There’s a corridor that leads into the living room. We suddenly hear very loud running footsteps coming down the corridor, towards the room we are in. we can’t see into the corridor but we can see who pops out as they enter the living room, which is at the end of the corridor. We are weirded out by the sound, since we are the only ones home. We both look up to the entrance of the room in anticipation. The running gets closer and closer until finally in runs what I can only describe as an outline of a human, anthropomorphic shape, but blurry, the kind of blurry things are when in motion (which it was), it runs into the living room and right back out down the same corridor. It barely stops and we hear clear as day the thunderous footsteps that seem to go on for longer than the length of our corridor. The entity itself was short, the height of a child, maybe 7 or 8. we only saw it from the torso up as between us was a sofa. It was wearing a bright Orange plain tshirt and its face was a Caucasian skin tone colour. It seemed to have short black hair It didn’t have any facial features at all. Maybe because it was moving quite fast and it blurred but it definitely seemed to be faceless.
Me and my sister both heard and saw the exact same thing.
What could it be?

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This is my Madness Combat ranking. This is entirely my personal opinion. I have watched this series since around 2004 on Newgrounds, and a huge supporter of Krinkels' work. So I must point out that I do not believe a single episode is bad. I believe all of the episodes are top tier, this is just my ranking of where I think they stand out in terms of quality, length, story, music/sfx etc.. So if you see your favourite episode low down, just remember it's not bad, I just feel that there may be an episode that's better! This is also just the mainline series, so no canon shorts such as An Experiment or Dissenter, and no Dedmos Adventures. Although if I had to rank Dedmos in this list, it'd probably come 4th place, or something. This was a hard ranking, given how amazing each episode is, so having the canon shorts/spin-offs would be more difficult, given how much Krinkels' artstyle and animation has improved since Madness 11. The earlier rankings are going to be the hardest, but I will put nostalgia aside and rank based on quality and other factors.
15. Madness Combat
In last place, kind of predictable, but the first episode. Obviously just because nostalgia aside, every episode that came after it has raised the bar in so many ways. However, we mustn't forget the classic soundtrack, the lack of blood, the first canon entry of Jeb and Hank, a literal cannon - this is where it all started. It knows what it is, it's a classic. It's where Madness began.
14. Madness Redeemer
Again like before, an absolute classic and it's where I believe that Madness Combat in its current form truly began. We've got introductions of the Sheriff, The Clown, Jeb was brought back. This is also where the Tricky Saga started to take shape. Again I do feel that everything that came after it was just better in quality, but there is loads to love about Redeemer.
13. Madness Combat 7.5
May be a bit controversial, but 7.5 ranks lower. I think it's universally agreed that 7.5 is the least interesting .5 episode. It doesn't feel like it contrasts well with the zaniness and horror of Madness 7. In some capacity, I feel that you need to pair the .5's with their mainline counterparts, and this episode, whilst good, is just the opposite of Consternation. The soundtrack is also one of my least favourites. This one just felt a bit like a filler episode. It's still a great entry, especially given the time it came out, but I'd say this is the most 'run of the mill' episode pre-modern Krinkels.
12. Madness Avenger
Avenger is very much a classic. This is where the Improbability Drive was introduced and the main story started to take shape. I think Redeemer is where the violence and John Wick style animation began, but I feel the story truly jumped after Avenger. This was the second episode I ever watched and I still hold it in very high regard. I think this is the episode people think of when someone says 'Madness Combat', if you were skulking around Newgrounds back in the early 00's.
11. Madness Depredation
Depredation was the 3rd episode I ever watched. I remember seeing the thumbnail plastered everyone on flash animation websites. This is where Hank got his iconic look - this episode is just batshit crazy. If someone mentions Madness Combat and you don't think of Avenger or Consternation, then you probably remember the Depredation and onward looks. There's just so much to love here. The hard pounding soundtrack from Cheshyre let's you know that this is hardcore. Removing the nostalgia I'd say it doesn't have a lot to offer in terms of story until the very end, but man when this came out it was one of my favourites and still is, I just believe that the other episodes have a lot more to say.
10. Madness Inundation
When this first came out, it was sort of controversial, if I remember correctly. With Hank dead at the end of Consternation, I saw tons of comments and forum posts, including some from myself... is Hank coming back? Is this the end? No one really predicted that Jeb would get his own episode, and looking back, I love this episode. I wasn't a huge fan back in 2008, and I would have ranked it near the bottom just out of spite for not getting Hank. But this episode, looking at it today, is brilliant. Jeb is such a cool protagonist, being able to fly, use his powers, catch bullets, the iconic sniper rifle opening, API's soundtrack. The Magnum. I could go on, honestly. I think this is one of the highlights of the series, because at the time, we genuinely thought this was the final episode, and Krinkels' posts, or lack thereof, around that time, sort of gave the impression that this would be the case. The episode feels very much centred around doom, and the end of things as we know it, especially during normality restoration. I think this is where subtle hints surrounding the Madness universe (or Nevadean universe... maybe?) started to take shape. Thankfully, it wasn't the end. It was unfortunately, so far, the end of Jeb, which is a damn shame. I hope Krinkels reconsiders down the line, but for now, he joins the Sheriff being the only two characters to die, seemingly forever, and go to "regular Hell".
9. Madness Apotheosis
Apotheosis is the very first episode I watched back in 2004, so naturally I do have some tiny amount of bias. This is where Krinkels found his footing - quite literally. Characters now have two feet, animation is a lot smoother, another iconic bandage look from Hank following Avenger... again, before getting Depredation, similar to Inundation as well, this truly looked like the end.
8. Madness Combat 5.5
This may also be controversial. But I firmly believe 5.5 is actually better than the episode it's structured around. Again, these earlier rankings are hard as I am trying to not see it through nostalgia, but rather quality. I think 5.5 just has so much to say, the iconic opening, mixed with the soundtrack. It fits perfectly with the lore, and actually makes Depredation a much better episode. Again, the issue with Depredation is that the intro is just run of the mill, up until the mid-point and ending, which only serves, at the time, a continuation in the form of Antipathy. 5.5 is where things tied together very nicely. This is also the introduction of Sanford and Deimos who would go on to become much loved characters in the Madness canon. Given how they just seem like random grunts in Depredation (which, at the time, they likely were), Krinkels managed to give them a whole side quest, which ties in very nicely with the main story. It's also the first time where two protagonists are on screen and are actually doing something, which I'll explain later. Other than that, great episode!
7. Madness Antipathy
The sixth Madness episode is also quite the anomaly. What I failed to realise as a kid is that each episode pretty much ends on a somewhat cliffhanger, but a cliffhanger where it could continue, and it also doesn't have to. 2006 was a huge year for animated sequels, with Madness 6, Killing Spree VI and Joe Zombie: Episode 6, ironically, all the 6's. There's a few others to mention, but we'd be here all day. I love Hanks look in this episode, with his exposed jaw after being pummelled to heck by Tricky in episode 5. The stab wound with the smiley face. Just do what comes natural. Have to mention while I love Cheshyre's Trainmadness soundtrack, we also have to give a shoutout to the creepy opening music MADNEWAT, and API's fast, twitchy techno music in the first half. I mention this because Hank seems very twitchy in this episode, and I love it. It's also carried over in 9.5 too, which is nice to see. The gore is great, especially with the axe and P90 at the end, the train, Jeb working a normal job post Depredation... I think this is where Madness truly reached the point of 'crazy' and set the stage for every episode that came after it.
6. Madness Aggregation
Aggregation is the 9th episode in the Madness canon, and was certainly a surprise to see. This is Krinkels' experimental phase, and you can see it throughout the episode. It was the first episode (if I remember correctly) to have two protagonists on screen at the same time (or three, if you count dead/carried Hank). This is where my problems begin, however. You can certainly tell it was the first time, a lot of my issues with this episode center around Sanford or Deimos sort of standing around doing nothing whilst the other is causing mayhem. Apart from that though, it was nice to see them again, especially after watching the .5's years later. On rewatch, I hold it in much higher regard now that we have context for the canon. This is also where Hank is revived and would set up another event in the form of 9.5 later down the line. It is weird to see Hank as a Mag, and it's doubly sad to see that Deimos did not make it, but this episode is baller. The soundtrack as well, definitely fits the opening with our heroes driving and evading enemies. I can't pinpoint it, but the soundtrack definitely feels like a dual protagonist sound. In terms of story, it sticks very well.
5. Madness Combat 6.5
There is so much to love about 6.5. I think it's honestly the best .5 episode pre-Madness 11 era. 2009-2011 was a very experimental phase, but it definitely paid off. I just love how seamlessly 5.5 and 6.5 come together when watched one after the other, or in one big video (props to the folks who put those 'In Real-time' videos together). The wounded Sanford, the train tracks, it certainly gives a lot of context for what is going on, wordlessly. This is where they started to get their iconic looks. Whilst 7.5 didn't really offer anything substantial, 5.5 and 6.5 are truly magnificent episodes that are held in high regard. The reason I ranked 5.5 lower is that it's just to give you an idea of what's happening around Depredation and Antipathy, whereas 6.5 feels like its own episode. The soundtrack is one of my favourites too. The animation was getting more and more fluid, and given that this came out before Madness 10, it's quite amazing how much of the animation style here is carried over into the later episodes.
4. Madness Consternation
Episode 7 is one of my all-time favourites, for sure, and I think this rings true for a lot of people in the community. Even though it's not ranked at number 1, I'd still say it's among my personal favourite episodes. The soundtrack and eerie vibe of the demonic Clown gives the episode a real horror angle that I always scared me in a way, as a kid. There's also things I never noticed back in 2007, that I notice today, such as 'DISSENTER BE DAMNED' written on the walls where the spiked agents are. This is cool nowadays since 9.5 expands on retention and dissenters, so even though it may not have been intended at the time (or if it was, Krinkels was certainly quiet about it), it tells a lot without any words and fits the story very nicely. Again, it's another pick for my "this is the Hank you think about when someone mentions Madness Combat" list. There are so many. But I love Hank's ninja wraps and red goggles. I feel this is when his image improved each episode. Cheshyre's Madness7 soundtrack is close to my all time favourite, and I still blast it in the car to this day. Also, chainsaw Hank is MVP.
3. Madness Expurgation
This might be a little controversial depending on who you ask, but I think Expurgation fits nicely in 3rd place within this ranking. It's one of my favourites and is probably one of the craziest episodes to date. I think the issue I have with this episode is the lack of blood. I think Madness has always been memorable for the amount of gore, blood and ways that the enemies are killed. I don't have an issue with the black blood from the clown minions, but the gore just feels a bit lessened here, in my opinion anyway. That, however, does not stop this from being an all time great. 7 years, 7 months and 7 days, and it was well worth the wait after being teased for so long. This is truly a highpoint in the Madness canon, where things looked vulnerable in-universe. I know things have always looked shaky given how each episode ends, but seeing the Auditor all messed up and trying to make a deal with Hank and Sanford to remove the Clown, it sets up Madness Combat 12 nicely. The audio and SFX is a major improvement and would become a standard in later animations. The soundtrack, 'Expurgation', from our saviour Cheshyre is again one of the best soundtracks. It gives a sense of hopelessness, this is even more apparent when Sanford yells out in frustration when he is cornered by Tricky, but then hope is restored when Hank returns with a new metal arm, and the soundtrack hits even harder. I do feel like the fight at the end could have been a bit more interesting, and a lot could have happened, but then again, Krinkels worked on this thing for 7 years, so I'll give him a pass on that. Also love the way the episode begins with Hank and Sanford climbing down the ladder from MC10, haha. All in all, one of my favourites.
2. Madness Abrogation
I think Madness Combat 10 is easily one of the best episodes. This thing came out in 2011, but it could have come out in 2016 or something and I'd have been none the wiser. The sheer rise in quality is undeniable. Like I said before, my issues with Aggregation stem from a quality perspective, where one or more characters sort of stand around doing nothing whilst another character is off doing something. When rewatching MC9, it becomes more and more apparent and I can't unsee it. MC5.5 and 6.5 was a period of time where Krinkels was able to hash this out and I think this all came together in MC10, for sure. The animation is very expressive and fluid, there's not a single point where the protags are just standing still or doing nothing (except for when Hank is pushed into the wall by the Mag and when he pulls the lever for Sanford, but I'll give this a pass). The episode feels very alive, due in part to the expressiveness, such as Hank and Sanford playing rock paper scissors to determine who dives into The Auditor's construct first. Naturally, it's our boy Hank. And that soundtrack? Come on, it's easily my personal favourite in the whole series. I think where MC9 toned it down to suit a more slow paced episode, MC10 ramps it up where it sounds like alarms are ringing, as if to say "we've go to go, quick!", and the part of the song where a portion of Madness7 is played, followed by a remix of Crazy Clown Song of Death from MC5, truly amazing. Cheshyre did a beastly job here, and as usual, breathed some serious life into this episode. It's by far the episode I come back to the most, there is just so much to love here. Again, you'd have no idea that MC10 and MC11 are 7 years apart. I wish I could say more, and to be honest I would I could say more on ALL the episodes, but we'd be here all day. MC10 is a classic, hands down.
Madness Combat 9.5
This might've been expected, or not expected, I don't know. But MC9.5 is easily the best episode to date. I'll also be ranking both parts as one whole episode. I can't actually tell you which part I prefer the most, as it takes two of my favourite looking Hanks and puts them into the same episode. Following Dedmos and the anticipated release of MC12, I would say that this is Krinkels' magnum opus. In terms of sheer quality, the amazing sound design, and again we cannot forget how much life is pumped into these animations by Cheshyre. I'd say I prefer Part 1's soundtrack over Part 2. I think given how fast MC6 Hank is, I would be inclined to say Part 1's fast paced soundtrack fits that version of Hank the most, but that's just a personal preference.
Anyway, the most noticeable thing off the bat is the sleek, crisp art design. It's rugged, detailed, and is by far Krinkels' best work. It truly feels like a massive overhaul to the design of the characters and world around them. Again, the expressiveness is huge, such as Hank making fun of the ATP Soldat gesturing with his hand, pointing towards the eyes, and this is even more interesting because it's the first time Hank meets them chronologically. It feels very fluid, and everything looks like it has real weight to it. This is also enhanced by the amazing sound design, for a mask that drops onto the floor, or the clicking of the guns. The horror feel from MC7 is truly back here, as well. Part 2 specifically where Tricky just goes into beast mode, it very much caught me off guard. MC9.5 also gives us an interesting look at how 'the other place' works, and how the Madness universe works as a whole. It's implied when you die, you end up in this sort of purgatory hellscape, and it does all of this story telling wordlessly. Ironically, I feel that Part 1 is actually more of a 7.5 than the original 7.5, for the obvious reason that 9.5 starts after Hank is killed in MC7. So many little details in 9.5 make it feel so authentic, such as the very end when Hank is revived, and you can faintly hear gunshots in the background, the moment where Deimos is killed. I have so much more to say but again, we'll be here all day. All in all, this is by far the best MC episode to date in terms of quality, audio, story and the new art style will be one of the driving forces moving forward.
So, that's my personal ranking of Madness Combat episodes. Again, I love every single episode, so if there's a ranking you disagree with, just remember it's my personal opinion and in my head, they are all number 1. Submit your rankings, and let me know your thoughts, and where you'd rank the episodes!

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Hello everyone! Would you like to support the research of the Bundeswehr? Our Department of Psychology at the University of the Bundeswehr in Munich is currently looking for participants to take part in a study that explores the relationship between gaslighting and personality traits. Completing our questionnaire will take 15-20 minutes.
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A quick caveat: I’am not looking for a specific app, but the process itself. You can talk about the app(s) you use as part of process but just saying “I use TickTick” isn’t going to help me. 😊
I can do a brain dump.
But I find that after I do so, I’m so overwhelmed by the list that I can’t do anything with it. Trying to do the next step of sorting the brain dump seems monumental and difficult and like it will only end in frustration bc I’ll do it wrong.
What categories should I use? Do I use tags? Do I make more lists?
Isn’t this all just going to end with me frustrated and confused and exhausted like every other time I try to make an honest effort to “be organized”?
A corollary to this is that while I know I can just keep scribbling on paper or making a giant note in some app and then forgetting about the paper or the note, I don’t have any way to know what I’ve done.
I personally like to know what I’ve been doing. And even though I’m currently unemployed, jobs generally want to know what you’ve been doing. I used to just make it up at my last job. 😅
So, how do I get from Giant Unsorted List to Sorted List with Log of When Things Were Done.
Also also: if I make a schedule or priorities list, I often find I suddenly have a deep desire to do absolutely nothing on it bc of PDA, I think. Even if it’s stuff I want to do. Suddenly the list is this authoritarian entity trying to impose its will on me. 🙃🙃🙃
And task intiation for complex tasks is also really difficult unless I’m in the right mood and stars have aligned and all that.
I’ve tried the whole “energy level” thing but I’m so inconsistent that it’s pointless bc one day Task A might need 100% energy but another day Task A only needs 10% energy.

Are we both really different or one and the same ?
I was a bit lonely , broken , surrounded completely by darkness. I was having a good family and very comfortable life but there has always been a void deep inside me which had no solution. This has been a normal to me ever since my birth.
Then in the darkest of the darkest times and dark mindspace I saw him approaching me to befriend me. I knew him from a very long time. But I was surprised to see that he knows me too.
I knew him as a person who begs food from his own wife . I knew him as a father who chopped off his own son's head. I knew him as person with anger issues. I knew him as a person who wears no clothes but animal skin. I knew him as a person who roams in graveyards. I knew him as a person whose generous nature is taken for advantage by bad guys and as a person who gives whatever they wish for.
Despite all these stories what I heard about him I somehow started being a friend with him....
Then I came to know that .......
He was The husband who gave half of everything that he owns including his body to his wife..... He was the one who chose to consume poison to save worlds when everyone was mad after amrutham...... He became the Guru of the Brahma by cutting off creator's ego which is in the form of head..... He could befriend all the profane entities that we fear like ghosts and spirits.... He , despite being the purest of pure existences ate meat when his devotee served it him with love.... He stays with the soul of the burning dead body and consoles it when everyone that body once owned were leaving the grave but not Him..... He wears the garland of skulls of nemurous creators who were born and left ....as gratitude to them and to transfer the memory to future creations...... He became the greatest devotee of his greatest devotee to set his greatest devotee's ego on fire....... He wears snakes , creatures with no limbs , so that they also could also dance when he does tandavam....... He is wearing the animal skin as it was the last wish of that animal..... He is an embodiment of purest love who doesn't even think twice to give away what other person wishes for even if the other person's love is fake....... He starts when the imagination and thoughts end at their limits.....
I have seen people praising him all the time but I found them ending up describing his qualities.....
I didn't finish understanding him .... never will I ever understand even one percent of his existence even after a billions of life times.....
But when I tried to understand him I understood myself better like never before....Then this question came in my mind are we both different people or he is just my inner Tyler durden.....

Hello Heirs! This is the Daily Questions Megathread.
You are welcome to use the daily thread to ask general or personalized questions instead of creating a new thread.
Please ask all your beginner questions here as well. Help each other out and don't forget to thank/upvote fellow heirs!
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Thoughts on A2A receptor as a cause. Personal Story I don't see myself as suffering from long Covid, however the last year I did start to get some symptoms that had startling similarities to those suffering with Long Covid, when from time to time I'd feel seriously drained, panic attacks, brain fog and just generally lethargic.
Then late last year I had a panic attack so severe that I called an ambulance thinking I was about to drop dead. Around this time I also learned that my sister had recently collapsed for six hours and the doctors could find no reasoning behind it.
So I started to do some research.
The first thing I found out was about how Caffeine can help trigger panic attacks, and if you're suffering from anxiety you should cut back.
This didn't really make sense to me as I'm not a huge caffeine drinker and I don't suffer from anxiety but I gave it a go. I also learned that my sister had collapsed after drinking a considerable amount of coffee whilst on a long journey so perhaps there was something in it. Even though caffeine shouldn't actually make someone collapse.
Cut to a few caffeine free weeks later and I'm back to normal. My sister too has also quit caffeine and reports that all is well, with no further episodes.
So obviously this all seemed a little strange to me as to why at forty seven years old I am now struggling to cope with even a decaf coffee, which contains almost no caffeine, and so I wanted to find out what was going on.
This was when I came across some information on the adenosine A2A receptor, which is part of the 22 chromosome and deals with such things as inflammation and is also said to be a major target of caffeine.
And the further research I did the more convinced I became that this receptor was possibly a bit screwed up genetically. And that both me and my sister had been born with the same issue/ genetic abnormality.
But why now? If I had a genetic abnormality why now? Why did it not show up sooner? This was a question posed recently to me by a friend. And then around the same time my partner relayed to me a conversation she'd had with someone with long covid, and who was suffering similar symptoms to what I had experienced, but to a more severe and drawn out extent.
And so I started to wonder if there was a link between Covid and why in the past year caffeine had suddenly started to have such a disastrous affect on me, and not before. And then it started to make sense, at least to me.
Thinking back to when I got COVID for the only time I started to remember that I had experienced a similar sense of lethargy for around two months, to the extent that I felt as if my battery power was suddenly, albeit briefly, greatly reduced. From say 90% to something more like 40%. This I now realised was similar to what I had recently experienced during my panic attack, though at that point my power was about 5%, if not completely flat. My sister said similar.
So here's what I think. I may have had a slightly dodgy A2A receptor pre COVID, but then COVID came along and screwed it up even further. And I also think the A2A receptor is an area specifically targeted by COVID, although there's seemingly no research yet to prove it. I also believe that this receptor potentially holds the clues for the damage long Covid can do and that the affect it has had on areas such as inflammation needs to be urgently investigated. Especially so there isn't a wave of knock on illnesses further down the line.
And finally I believe that describing the effects of long Covid in such a general way is damaging. After all you wouldn't describe someone as suffering from a car crash. You would talk about specific injuries, and the same should apply to COVID.
Anyways, that's just some thoughts and theories. I'm not a medical professional so treat accordingly.

First of all, this is going to be a long post. apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors. It's very late at night and I just needed to get this off my chest. Also, I'm doing this on my phone, so...
My friend, whom I've been very close to for about a year and four months, has removed me from his life for the time being and claims I am a horrible person and a narcissist. This started during a small event about a year ago when we were playing Call of Duty with a particular friend. One of my other friends, whom they are not familiar with, started razzing on them, teasing, and making fun of them a little for not being very good at the game because they were brand new. (I know the fact that they didn't know each other had a lot to do with how he viewed this interaction.) I realized it affected him badly, and I apologized profusely.
I acknowledge that talking shit to your friends on Call of Duty is pretty par for the course for me, so I didn't recognize the problem immediately. Teasing and shit-talking your friends on Call of Duty is very normal for me, but for them, it really struck a chord. They thought they were being bullied and targeted directly for some reason, but they didn't exactly tell me why. At the time of the interaction, I didn't take it seriously because I knew the person and knew he wasn't doing it maliciously. He had also been drinking, which made him a bit more rowdy. Explaining that it wasn't malicious wasn't good enough during the confrontation later on. Apologies weren't good enough either. I didn't know what they wanted me to do other than go back in time and address it at that moment. I wish I could have.
The friend who did this was someone I usually only hung out with during Call of Duty. But afterward, I got closer to him over the months that followed. My friend who was hurt didn't tell me about his feelings until much later. I learned later that he was getting offended that I was getting closer to this person as well. When he eventually told me about it, I brushed it off, saying that that's how people act on Call of Duty. No, I'm not condoning the terrible things people say in Call of Duty, but my friend is not like that. I know some of you might be thinking about Call of Duty and the worst of the worst things said there, but it definitely wasn't that.
I didn't take it seriously at the time, and we got into an argument. He still never fully explained what exactly I did wrong, just that I didn't defend him or that I brushed off his feelings. He thinks my friend is a brash drunk person and basically just a bad person. He told me all of my Call of Duty friends are garbage. I admitted that my friend was struggling with alcoholism but has been taking huge steps to improve his life. He's still improving every day. But he still talks shit on Call of Duty, and I talk shit to him too. For us, talking shit to your friends is kind of how you express your friendship. It probably sounds crazy, but my hurt friend still felt extremely bad about it and threatened to cut off our friendship if I didn't apologize correctly or cut off my Call of Duty friend. We eventually worked through this argument.
This brings me to another argument we had later on. For the past few months, my friend has been extremely depressed. He's going to therapy again, but every time we talk, he talks about how depressed he is, how his dating life is terrible, how everyone in his past has treated him awfully, his dating prospects are horrible, and nobody likes him. He's depressed because he might have to move and he's currently out of a job. I feel for this man terribly. I love him and wish I could help him with everything he needs. But it's like he's flipped a switch in the last few months and suddenly hates me. He has called me a narcissist or said that I have narcissistic traits, or that I'm just terrible. He says I have some sort of mental disorder. He constantly tells people I need to work on myself and that if I can't acknowledge my problems, I must be damaged. To be fair, everyone has problems they need to work on.
He also told people that I trick people into liking me and told my boyfriend that I manipulated him into being with me. Every single conversation he's had with people about me has been either awfully negative or bizarrely positive about how I'm such a wonderful person. It's honestly starting to get god-awfully annoying.
I had stopped hanging out with him one-on-one because every time we talked, it was so depressing or overly positive about how happy he was about my relationship with his best friend growing. It was honestly very strange. I used to confide in him about my relationship with his best friend, but I do not do that anymore. It would always devolve into the depressing things I mentioned above and how everyone in his past has treated him terribly. So I would only hang out with him in social settings because he wouldn't share like that when there were other people around. That’s a stark contrast from the many hours we used to spend speaking one-on-one, playing games, and just chatting and watching videos for hours on end. We were very close.
I’m aware that only spending time with him in a group setting was a messed-up thing to do. I should have talked to him about my feelings, but I was honestly scared that he would get mad at me because of how he had reacted in the past and how reactive he had been to everything anyone had said to him recently. He has been overthinking every single thing that I say. He takes everything I say out of context and misunderstands every single thing I say to him.
One day, I burned my hand badly and couldn’t play anything, so I ended up just watching a show with my boyfriend. My friend messaged me and asked if I wanted to play games with him. I told him about my hand and that I wasn't going to be playing any games. I had made plans to play games later that night with another friend, but I told him those plans were canceled. He accused me of trying to ostracize him. I told him that if I felt up for it, I would invite him if my hand felt better and I could play games later that night. He lives on the East Coast, and I live on the West Coast, so if I play later at night, he might be sleeping, but I told him if he was awake, I would invite him. I ended up not being able to. My hand was very badly burnt, and I had an ice pack on it all night. And he never said it directly. But the way he was like, if you don't want me to hang out you can just tell me. Was very telling that he didn't believe me and he thought I was just excluding him. I ended up taking a picture of what I was doing and sent it to him, which he said was ridiculous and unnecessary of me to do, but it was the only thing I could do to make him stop. It’s like he’s looking for bad things to think and say about me.
He even snapped on a very long-term friend, calling him a terrible name. It was incredibly cruel and extremely out of character. I know he’s going through serious mental issues and depression, and he has recently started going to therapy again. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it’s just hard at this point. I have apologized dozens of times, but he constantly says that I don’t apologize correctly or that I’m not apologizing the right way. I don’t know what that means. I’m so apologetic, and I know I have a terrible way of expressing myself and saying the right words. He knows that. He deleted me on all platforms except for a couple. He said he left those avenues of contact open as a way for us to try and work through this. We called each other a few days ago and had a pretty good conversation. I think this is going to end positively. I think our relationship and friendship are going in a positive direction at this point. But I’m just feeling crazy about all of this and wondering if maybe I am crazy. I’m an overthinker and I overthink everything. And now that I can’t stop thinking about this, maybe I am a narcissist. Maybe I am a horrible person. I kind of just wanted some outside perspective on it. If you have any questions or need me to explain anything further, please ask. I’ll be more than happy to answer.
I know I should have defended him properly and I did not communicate well enough. I know I should have expressed my feelings to him and tried to work through them properly. I’m a very bad communicator and tend to over-explain because I hate being misunderstood. I know that can get on people’s nerves, and they can see me trying to explain my point as just making excuses or justifying my actions when I’m just trying to make sure I’m understood so they know exactly why I did something and understand my point of view. I do this even when I have acknowledged that I’m wrong. I just want to be understood. That is something I’m actively working on. It’s a terrible quality, I know. But if this doesn't get better, what should I do?

Look, I am not saying it's a bad car in any way, its a very good car. But I just wanted to see if some people feel the same way about it's design.
It just feels weird really, the front grille seems too big and the whole car seems a bit bland and bulky. The front is pretty round with it's massive mustache looking grille, the headlights looks smaller than they should've been, and the side is very plain. The rear is nice though.
It's also bulky like it's sister the Virtus, Virtus is prettier than the Slavia in my opinion but still bulky nonetheless. I like sleeker cars such as the Honda City.
It's just that front portion, and I am by no means a Skoda hater. I love absolutely love the design of the Octivia because it is very well proportioned, the grill is decently big and the headlights in contrast to the grill does not seem small, like the Slavia does.
It's not ugly just not pretty either as some people claim as it being "gorgeous" I mean beauty does lie in the eye of the beholder but I have not seen anyone disagreeing about it's looks.
Either way it's a good car but I just don't get the hype of it over other prettier cars such as the new City and even the Virtus looks great! A bit bulky but still good.
Personally if you ask me in the C segment I would rate the cars by design as such-

1. Honda City
2. VW Virtus
3. Skoda Slavia
4. Suzuki Ciaz
5. Hyundai Verna

Let me know what do you guys think of this list?

I am attempting to go the route of making my server PCI Compliant. This of course requires hiring a separate company to do the scans and fill out the paperwork. The whole reason I got into this was because I wanted a customizable CC form on my website; not have the customer jump to another page. Gateways like Stripe seem to have hardly any customizable options to have it fit color schemes on a person's website. So, I figured I'd just do it myself.
I found one scanner, paid for the product, and they immediately are trying to sign a new SSL certificate. This throws me off because I just paid for my first SSL certificate a few days ago. The product said nothing about this extra process. I guess I was under the impression that PCI scanning would consist of something more along the lines of "input your domain here" and "scan now" with a readout of everything wrong - and maybe configuring the server on my end for trusted domains or something.
Is a new SSL certificate a normal part of PCI scanning? I've also tried to look at the list of PCI scanners on the main PCI Compliance website and most of them seem to be defunct, which makes it annoying to find a reputable scanner. I'm feeling lost.

Long story short : My master’s degree thesis writing is driving me mad. Sitting down to write it is physically painful and every comment my tutor made about it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I know I wrote something mediocre and I just want to get it done and never talk about my subject anymore, I’m completely done with my field of study. I feel useless and stupid.
The only thing preventing me from falling into depression is that I have a study reorientation personal project upcoming, but I’m scared my anxiety will come back again and again.
I have struggled with generalised anxiety for pretty much my whole life. It was getting better tho, before this whole masters situation kicked in. Is it only reactive to my shit life situation? Do I just need to get out of the shitty situation? I’m worried my anxiety will keep fucking me up, and fuck up the reorientation I want to do and leave me with nothing to hope for, nothing to wake up for.
I worked up the courage to ask for medication to a GP (due to personal family history I am scared of medication for mental health), but was put on two antihistamines that do barely nothing (latest is atarax). (I’m still scared about benzos due to familial genetic concerns and the side effects). I still can’t get up in the morning because of my debilitating anxiety, I still procrastinate sleep at night, I still procrastinate writing the damn thesis all day thinking "i need to do it" in a loop…
I just want to drop out, it’s that bad. Even tho it’s due this month and I’ll be over it after. My tutor keeps asking for more and more correction. It’s like she’s moving the goal post all the time while I’m on my knees begging it to stop. I told her I was having mental health issues, and she seems rather comprehensive but she can’t just hand me my diploma because I’m anxious. So I get her. But why is life so so hard for us. Why do I have to suffer so much. I also wonder if I don’t have an other type of diagnosis like ADHD and Autism, frankly I just want to know what is wrong with me. I want to be better. I want to wake up in the morning and feel like a normal person, capable of organising themself and do stuff and not be a slog the entire day panicking about nothing.
It’s so hard. I’m so done. I can’t even find a psychologist because browsing the list of healthcare providers is too much of an effort…

There are 10 levels of swordsmanship skill. Here is the explanation for each one:
- Level 10: The best swordsmen in history
- Level 9: Extraordinary swordsmen
- Level 8: Exceptional swordsmen
- Level 7: Master swordsmen
- Level 6: Expert swordsmen
- Level 5: Above-average swordsmen
- Level 4: Trained noblemen
- Level 3: Young squires
- Level 2: Child trainees
- Level 1: People who have never used a sword
---
I made this tier list under two assumptions:
- In every era there is at least one level 8 swordsman. Therefore a character being stated to be the best of their era would qualify them for at least level 8.
- The high tiers in every era are at least level 7. Therefore a character being stated to be one of the greatest swordsmen of their era would qualify them for at least level 7.
Also the placements within each level are in order.
---
Now here is the tier list along with justifications for every ranking:
---
Level 10:
- Barristan Selmy (Equal in combat to Arthur Dayne if both have regular swords, meaning Barristan is slightly more skilled due to Arthur being a bit stronger physically.)
---
Level 9:
- Arthur Dayne (GRRM's first choice for a trial by combat, meaning that he is the strongest warrior while wielding Dawn)
- Daemon Blackfyre (The strongest warrior of his day and is also stated to be superior to Aemon The Dragonknight)
- Gwayne Corbray (Stalemated Daemon Blackfyre for an hour)
- Jaime Lannister (Stated by GRRM to be the greatest swordsman at the time of AGOT, meaning he's more skilled than Garlan Tyrell)
---
Level 8:
- Aemon The Dragonknight (Stated to be the best swordsman of his day and also one of the greatest knights in Westerosi history)
- Ryam Redwyne (Stated to be the best swordsman of his day)
- Garlan Tyrell (Stated to be a superior swordsman to Loras Tyrell who is already stated to be one of the best swordsmen of his era)
- Cregan Stark (Stated to be the best swordsman Aemon The Dragonknight has ever faced)
- The Smiling Knight (Had a lengthy duel against Arthur Dayne wielding Dawn but ultimately lost)
---
Level 7:
- Syrio Forel (One of the most skilled swordsmen in Braavos and defeated armored men-at-arms with a wooden sword)
- Rhaegar Targaryen (Stated to be a strong warrior by Barristan Selmy and injured Robert Baratheon during their fight)
- Quentyn Ball (Stated to be one of the greatest knights of his day)
- Aegor Rivers (Implied to be one of the greatest knights of his day)
- Duncan The Tall (Defeated Lyonel Baratheon who is one of the greatest swordsmen of his day)
- Lyonel Baratheon (Stated to be one of the greatest swrodsmen of his day)
- Loras Tyrell (Stated by GRRM to be one of the greatest swordsmen at the time of AGOT)
- Gerold Hightower (Considered a worthy Kingsguard at a time when they were the greatest knights in Westeros)
- Aegon The Conqueror (Stated to be one of the greatest fighters of his day)
- Maegor Targaryen (Stated to be one of the deadliest warriors of his time)
- Qhorin Halfhand (The best swordsman of the Night's Watch and was able to adapt to losing the use of his right hand which Jaime Lannister was unable to do)
- Strong Belwas (Defeated a mounted armored warrior while Belwas was on foot)
- Sandor Clegane (Stated by GRRM to be one of the greatest swordsmen at the time of AGOT)
- Brynden Tully (Was considered an impressive swordsman by Jaime Lannister)
- Bronn of the Blackwater (Implied to stand a chance at defeating Gregor Clegane despite his inferior strength and size)
---
Level 6:
- Gregor Clegane (Stated to be one of the greatest swordsmen during AGOT, though this is likely moreso because of his immense strength rather than his skill)
- Yohn Royce (Defeated Rodrik Cassel and Eddard Stark during a spar)
- Mance Rayder (Superior to Jon Snow)
---
Level 5:
- Rodrik Cassel (Was the master-at-arms at Winterfell)
- Eddard Stark (Survived a fight against Arthur Dayne, although he had help)
- Jon Snow (Considered an impressive swordsman by Night's Watch standards)
---
Level 4:
- Tywin Lannister (Is a trained nobleman)
---
Level 3:
- Tyrion Lannister (Survived the Battle of the Blackwater)
---
Level 2:
- Child trainees
---
Level 1:
- People who have never used a sword
---
There are a few characters who I wasn't sure where to rank such as Sandoq The Shadow and Beric Dondarrion. Where do you think they should be ranked?
Also what level do you think is the highest one a person without any talent for swordsmanship can achieve through training?

TW for mention of critical illness, hospitals, parental strife
This story spans over a few years so I'm sure I'll have to edit this to clarify.
When I was 17 years old I got diagnosed with a thing in my brain* through an MRI.
^\The shorthand is "AVM" for arteriovenous malformation, a tangle of blood vessels that irregularly connects arteries and veins. In the brain, it can cause brain bleeds which affect cognitive and motor function and can also result in death. The way i explain it is that you've got the blood pressure and flood of an artery going into a deformed clump of capillaires and veins with thin walls, deforming them further. The risk of rupture increases every year. Idk if it sounds scary enough like that, but it's like a ticking time bomb.)
I got gamma radiation shortly after, which is only relevant because they use a metal frame with metal spikes they drill against your skull so you can’t move your head during radiation. I chose this method of treatment because it was supposed to be quick and painless with no general anaesthesia but it turned out that the treatment experience was completely traumatising and I’m still living with a clinical PTSD diagnosis following that.
This mode of treatment aims at calcifying the inside of the veins in a specific zone and the gradual closing of vulnerable veins can take from 6 m to 3y.
I have siblings and we’ve all always been afraid of our dad. He was always extremely authoritative and we were very well behaved because of that. He got angry very easily, and the smallest thing would send him storming off screaming and breaking things, preceded by silent treatment (which was somehow the scariest all). He’d punish us extremely strictly, and would often drive up to 40km/h over the speed limit to scare or punish us, the reasoning was something like « if we all die it’s your fault because we made me angry).
All this to say my relationship with my father has always been extremely vertical and our relationship never grew into something like equal footing and I always got extremely nervous and scared whenever I was about to meet with him.
This being said, there is no amount of words I can use to describe the depth of my love for him. He drove us around without a protest for hours and hours and hours, gave us a beautiful luxurious life and never missed any of our important dates. Birthdays and chistmases were an avalanches of gifts and we were completely spoiled. He was extremely involved and I know he loves me so much. I’ve stopped speaking to him a few years ago but it truly breaks my heart because I love him so much and I miss the smell of his aftershave and I know he misses me very much too.
When the MRI result came back, my dad was there. He was the one who walked up to me and said « everything is fine, there is just a *little* thing.
I’m sure this was hard for him because his mom died of cancer when he was 28, but he never mentioned it in relation to my illness.
Pretty quickly, my dad stopped me whenever I mentioned illness and made sure I amended any mention of the experience by adding a sweetened positive twist at the end like « I’m glad I learned so much » or « but I grew so much from the experience ».
Gradually and too seamlessly for me to really notice, he decided I was « cured » and would no longer tolerate any mention of illness. He’s get impatient, tell me off, and even genuinely angry when I did. He’d say « you’re cured now » and « idk why you keep talking about this, it’s in the past now, you need to move on and live life ». Important note here : he is not a doctor, just a regular dad in the world with zero medical knowledge.
I don’t know if it was his own version of « manifesting » healing for me or a symptom of his fear. I wonder if he misunderstood the neurologist saying it could take up to three years to see if the treatment was effective. Before the 3 year mark, with no tests and MRIS to back it, he’s managed to completely convince himself and the rest of the family that I was cured and only still talking about it for attention. He even invented a pseudo-psychological term he dubbed the « syndrome of the sick child » to belittle my fear and worry and terror and loneliness, which if I understand his concept correctly meant I was clinging to an expired diagnosis in order to be babied and gat my parents attention. IDK maybe this can give you insight into his personality, how convincing he could be.
And it was just a really lonely experience for me. All of the « why are you still talking about this you ‘re cured and you need to move on now », while still trying to cope with so much fear of dying at all times, without having anywhere to talk about it. I wonder if the lack of parental support I experienced thought such a traumatising experience as a teenager and then as a young adult was what contributed to transform the trauma into clinical PTSD (diagnosed).
Eventually, I got my 3-year mark MRI. The radiologist was my dad’s BIL and he called my dad and gave him the result directly instead of contacting me directly. I was a legal adult and ab. 22 by then. My dad then called me on the phone, I remember the conversation so clearly, he said I was cured and I proceeded to call my mom and grandparents and best friend to share the news.
yay now you can move on. When he got home he popped a bottle of champagne open in celebration.
This was so tough because something didn’t quite sit right with me. Because of growing up hypervigilent I’m usually good at telling when someone is lying and twisitng the truth.
He seemed off on the phone, and in person, and I couldn’t tell if it wasn’t just that I couldn’t imagine life ebbing cured.
A few days later the BIL called me and said there was a lil persisting on the MRI. I wonder if I’d been brainwashed by my dad already by the time BIL called because when I asked dad if there was anything he didn’t tell me, he said « well you can’t expect to be 100% cured with things like this », and « 99% cured is the same as 100% » and other things of the sort. It was like he’d twisted the results in favour of his opinion.
By that time, I was stuck and really confused, and everyone was already convinced I was cured. And it got really hard for me to know what to do and where to turn because I was till so young and the hospital system was so confusing.
It took two years for me to decide to get a second opinion. Someone else looked at the MRI and said there was still something left, but since I’d heard my dad assure me it meant I was cured, it took considerable effort for me to reach out to my service in the hospital again for an appointment with the specialist I’d seen back when I was 17. This alone was extremely challenging because no one took be seriously, and I had to call the secretary office on a daily basis for a couple weeks to ask what I should do to get a confirmation I was cured. I’m quite headstrong and I wanted to hear from the specialist directly that I was cured do as to have no doubts at all. Throughout this, dad tried to discourage me and then eventually accepted it might be the only way for me to move on.
The MRI happened and I sat in the neurosurgeons office at the hospital of my nightmares asking if my results were conducive with full recovery. He confirmed there was something left, and then that the aim of treatment is to be completely cured. That the malformation should not be visible on an MRI once it was cured. He added that the risk of rupture increased each year. I soon had another more intrusive san done and it confirmed there was a little left, which meant I needed to get another round of Gamma radiation.
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
The second round of treatment was just as traumatising as I’d remembered the first round to be.
I don’t know what to do with how angry I am with my dad. He lied to me and invited all of us to live in a fiction of his making, thus endangering me. Every insistence I’d been cured and needed to move on when I wasn’t, and in fact the risk of me having an aneyrism was growing with every day.
The worst is that he never apologised. He instantly switched up his story and started pretending he’d never said I was cured. He created a whole new fiction where « he’d always insisted I’d get a more thorough MRI checkup ». It’s so unfair. How he can’t embrace a world where he’s wronged me, and not because it destroyed me but because he can’t be wrong. He has to be perfect. How unfair.
I most likely wouldn’t have mede it past the age of fifty if I’d believed of indeed obeyed him.
I used to check my memories again to make sure I hadn’t made it up, and eventually I accepted I’d never get an apology. And that I was wronged and I didn’t deserve that. And that I should’ve gotten the support I needed.
I’m cured now, I sat in another doctors office a year ago and he said my MRI came back normal and the AVM was no longer on the scan. I’m really proud I was so headstrong.
And eventually I decided to take distance from my dad, and life improved when I stopped talking to him. I know it hurts him, and that he’s extremely angry. He expresses this to my siblings, and I know they get punished in my stead and I feel so guilty. But I can’t be around my dad, I’m too angry. I’m trying to live with the love I have for him in my heart, with my childhood memories and the guilt and missing him and then more guilt for being happier now that I don’t have to talk to him and listen to his tirades. And I worry for my siblings who still talk to him, because he doesn’t treat them kindly and they deserve so much love and admiration and support, which he’d never give them.
I used to want to press charges and I wonder if he shouldn’t be in prison for what he did but he’s a vicious man and he’s go to much money and friends in high places that I couldn’t take him on. And things would get ugly, I know. I just wish he could pay for what he did.
I’ll update later for typos and clarifications :)

“We’re a meat family,” my dad would proudly tell strangers. He’d wait for the quizzical look, then launch into detail, starting with how many freezers we had, how long we could sustain ourselves on the contents. It was just his way of starting a conversation, which made sense when you considered that raising and home-killing animals for food was, for want of a better term, his life-long hobby. His prize possession was one of those industrial-sized vacuum sealers: you could put half a pig inside and wrap it in plastic so tightly that every wrinkle and skin fold waxed unreal with shiny detail.
If we hadn’t lived in a rural area, albeit semi-urbanised, I guess it would have been pretty weird. But the mostly farming-stock locals only found his extra enthusiasm a little bit odd.
When he wasn’t being a bit embarrassing talking about it, I never really paid much heed to his hobby. I had a child’s vaguely grateful awareness that though our family went through some lean financial times, our stomachs never suffered like some of the families around us. All the beef, pork, ham and bacon in those big old chest freezers passed down from his dad really could have fed us for years.
I should preface all this by saying that I wasn’t a particularly bright kid, though neither was I dumb. I didn’t fail badly at anything in school, I just never achieved beyond a pass. I didn’t know it yet back then, still quietly dreaming about being a ballet star or a dressage champion, but mediocrity was my destiny. And I think that’s why I got on so well with my Aunt Liz.
Liz was my dad’s live-in youngest sister. She was one of those women who get described as ‘bubbly’ — not really pretty, not really smart, not a lot going on besides just being… well, all Liz. But she was salt of the earth; kind, caring, and great with kids. She was the only person who would willingly mind my two older brothers, who fought like hellcats and caused more trouble than the whole last generation of my family combined. People would privately lament to my parents that it was a shame Liz didn’t have kids of her own, but dad would just shake his head and say Liz liked it that way – that all the fun of looking after kids is being able to give them back to their parents.
I guess she was like me; nice, but mediocre. Lovely, but somehow forgettable when she wasn’t doing something for you.
But when Liz left us, I couldn’t forget her.
In hindsight, it was pretty weird timing that we had a big fortieth birthday party for Liz right before she disappeared. She was radiant that night; she’d hired a local girl to do her hair and makeup, and it was honestly the first time I’d ever seen her look pretty. She’d even worn a push-up bra under a tight red dress, which flattered her very plump curves well enough that the neighbour’s farmhand was spotted disappearing into the woolshed with her for a snog. In my dawning awareness, that gave a plain girl hope: if Aunty Liz could get a guy at forty, maybe things would turn out okay for me.
Anyway, I couldn’t forget how her pink cheeks, her eyes, her whole self, glowed that night before Liz went to bed. She said it was the best birthday ever, and that she was very much looking forward to the next stage of her life.
Would I have done anything different, if I had known? If I had realised what, exactly, that next stage was?
The week after the party, Aunt Liz said she was going on a little holiday up north, to visit some old school friends. She packed her things – she didn’t honestly have that many – and drove her little orange mini out onto the main road. And with a wave of one fleshy hand, she was gone. Nobody really thought much of it when she didn’t call, because nobody rural had cellphones back then. And Liz was, as I said, somehow kinda forgettable when she wasn’t right in front of you.
When we hadn’t had contact for six weeks, Dad tracked down the land line numbers for their old school buddies. They were surprised to hear from him — Liz had never arrived, so they had just assumed she’d cancelled her visit. No-one had thought to check. I eavesdropped on the conversation, and it sounded for all the world like *they* had forgotten about Aunt Liz, too.
From there it became a missing person case. The local cops came and talked to all of us; the farmhand who’d been seen snogging her was briefly detained, then let go, dad got grilled at length, even my hellion brothers were questioned thoroughly to see if this was one of their wild and dangerous pranks gone wrong.
But everything was a dead end. Nobody knew where Liz was, or what had happened to her.
The remains of her old mini were found halfway across the country, burned out on a beach, on a derelict stretch of ragged, rocky coastline. The police assumed murder and combed the area for remains. But even the most expert divers couldn’t conquer the incredible undertow and fast-shifting seabed of that coastline to look for evidence, so none was forthcoming.
Eventually the cops collectively shrugged and said that there was really nothing more they could do unless more information suddenly came to light. The locals knew nothing, no witnesses had come forward, and the trail was cold. As far as anyone knew, poor aunt Liz had been murdered on some desolate beach, far away from her home.
It didn’t feel fair to me. She’d once mentioned wanting her remains buried on our farm, in the graveyard plot beside grandma and grandad.
So, in my grief, I went into her room to look for something of hers to bury beside them.
Like I said, Liz didn’t have many things. Her room was pretty spartan, and her wardrobe was mostly sensible farm stuff. There was one exception: she, like me, did like to read, and she had a pretty good collection of well-thumbed books. I think it’s the escapism – even the most mediocre girl can lose herself in the plot of some trashy romance novel, imagine there’s still hope of being swept off her feet by that handsome stableboy, his inexplicable yearning for chubby plain girls.
So I set myself the task of going through the books, to find the right one to bury in the graveyard plot.
Most of them were exactly what you’d expect, but some of them were racier than I was used to. I felt various parts of my body flushing and tingling, as I read breathless prose about calloused hands touching the softest flesh of the protagonist. Okay, if I’m honest with myself, I might have got a little *too* invested in my project at that point. But that was also why I persisted going through her entire collection, until I found the ragged paperback from 1970, entitled Tawny Sands. And inside that trashy cardboard romance cover, I discovered not the tale of Tawny Sands, but some carefully hand-cut, stitched-in pages. A handwritten story in my Aunt’s rounded penmanship: Memoirs of a Long Pig.
I read her story twice in a row, utterly gripped.
Aunt Liz was no Stephen King – heck, she wasn’t even the Goosebumps guy – but her story was gripping and compelling, and I couldn’t put it down. Even if I hadn’t known her, I think that would have been true.
The gist of it was that Liz, when she was sixteen, had discovered that our family had a very long history of eating what she described as ‘Long Pork’. It’s an antipodean term, anglicised from the Pacific Islands: human meat.
Like me, young Liz still had some hopes and dreams. In one of her many failed attempts to find a special talent, she’d taken up cooking as a hobby. Naturally, with our family’s overabundance of meat, she’d scoured the freezers in the shed for ingredients: the racks of ribs and stacks of pork chops, butcher-paper wrappings all neatly labelled with the first letter of the name of the animal they came from.
She found familiar meat from Rodney, one of the pigs that had been recently slaughtered, emblazoned with an ‘R’ in her father’s strong, blocky lettering. There were cutlets labelled ‘M’ for Mary, from one of the lambs she’d hand-reared, and ‘F’ for Ferdinand, the steer they’d killed the month before. But she couldn’t explain the many, many curious parcels of meat on one side of the huge freezer, all labelled ‘J’ – at least, not until she took it all out and assembled it as well as she could on the scoured concrete floor of the killing shed. A big, frozen jigsaw puzzle without the box, her best attempt to discover what kind of beast the pieces had come from.
The animal, she quickly realised, was a Long Pig. Her own Aunt Jenny, who had died the month before – just after her fortieth birthday.
Fortunately, or perhaps not, for Liz, her father entered the shed right at that moment and realised his daughter had discovered the family secret. He sat down calmly on the lid of the freezer, and explained to her that this was a long-running family tradition, dating back to at least before his grandfather had been born.
“There are always people in life, Liz,” he’d said, “who won’t really amount to much. They want to be useful, want to be more. They strive and they strive, trying job after job, hobby after hobby, trying to hit on something they’re really good at. Something that makes them special. Those people can waste their whole lives, chasing dreams that never come true. Eventually they die unfulfilled, knowing that all their time has been wasted. That what they leave behind will fade quickly.”
His voice was oddly gentle as he leaned down and patted one of the neatly wrapped cuts of Aunt Jenny, still sitting frozen on the shed floor.
“Your Aunt Jenny was one of those people. So was my Aunt Irene.” He paused to gaze at his daughter, his next words peppered with emphasis. “But you see, my sweet Liz, they did find a purpose in life. They did find a way to be special, and they left this world utterly certain of their gift.” He stood up, stretched his back. “Let me show you.”
Liz waited while my grandad meticulously stacked the meat back into the freezer, all but one J-marked parcel that looked for all the world like a thick venison steak. He took her back to the farmhouse, and reverently unwrapped the deep red, heavily marbled meat to let it thaw. Then he laid it in the family’s ancient, cast-iron pan, basting it with butter and rosemary until a heavenly scent filled the kitchen, and Aunt Liz couldn’t stop her mouth from watering.
“Just try it. Let her show you. You’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.”
Even though she knew it was her aunt, Liz couldn’t stop herself from taking that first bite. There was something transcendent about the smell, overriding her natural revulsion that this was human meat, not one of their farm animals. For the first time, she truly realised it: we’re just another kind of animal. And weren’t her memories of Mary the lamb almost as fond as her memories of Aunt Jenny?
Liz explained then, in her curly handwriting, the explosion of taste that had assaulted her when she tried the steak. It was tender, it was succulent, it was rich beyond imagining. The fats melted on her tongue, lingering somewhere between pork and beef, but oddly neither. The flavour of the meat defied identification; something familiar, yet not.
But one thing she couldn’t deny; it was the most delicious thing she had ever eaten. Tears dripped onto her plate, mingled with the juice, the grease — not grief, but a pure, real, giddy delight.
“You’re tasting your aunt’s love for this family,” my grandad explained. “Her entire life was carefully curated, to eventually make unforgettable moments for us, just like this. This was her way of being special. This was the greatest gift she could possibly bring to our world – and because she realised that, she died with not a single regret. She knew her life had purpose. She was perfectly, completely fulfilled.”
I felt those words. I felt them lodge in my own belly, settling uncomfortably deep. I knew Aunt Liz, probably better than anyone else in the family. I’d seen how fucking happy she’d been on her fortieth, how goddamn fulfilled she was, despite apparently being a *nobody* and achieving *nothing*. Somehow, in the space of a single day, she had gone from being a forgettable background character to becoming the *main character*, immortalising herself in our family’s history with her sacrifice. Quite literally becoming part of all of us, forever.
I went to the killing shed after I finished with the book. I looked inside the freezers.
But there were no vacuum-sealed packages labelled ‘L’, no matter how deep I dug into the frozen stacks of plastic-wrapped flesh. Panicked now, not sure if I wanted to connect all the dots or unconnect them, I tried to think back over the last few months, recall any meals that had been unusually good. A few Sundays ago, we’d had a stew that really hit the spot and left me craving more. And I realised that the family had a really good night that night; my brothers behaved themselves, my parents didn’t fight, and grandma and grandad had been there. Hadn’t they looked far more… expectant than they should have?
I strained my brain, trying to recall if I’d seen the homekill bag on the kitchen bench – if I’d registered what letter it was. I knew it wasn’t an L. I would have remembered if it was an L.
And then it hit me, the memory, the connection, sizzling as if branded with a hot iron.
It had been an ‘E’.
E for Elizabeth. Not for Edward the pig.
I snorted at my own stupidity – of *course* Liz was short for Elizabeth – and as I comprehended my lack of smarts, I felt something give inside me.
I wasn’t clever, and nothing, nothing would ever make me smart. I had no big talents. I wasn’t beautiful, or even cute – and even if I had a million plastic surgeries, it still wouldn’t fulfill me. It wouldn’t be real.
I was a Liz.
I was a Jenny.
I was whoever the first aunt had been, the aunt who had dedicated her life to making her flesh as delicious as possible, who had worked every damn minute to be the best Long Pig she could ever be.
I wondered how many magical family evenings had been spent eating Aunt Jenny. How many glorious, satisfying, memorable dishes had been made out of her.
And… I wanted that. I wanted to finally know I had a *purpose* in life. One so simple, and so easy to achieve.
I wanted what Aunt Liz had.
***
It's my fortieth birthday today and I’m so fucking excited. For the last twenty-four years, I’ve dedicated myself to this moment; I’ve eaten exactly what I needed to, I’ve exercised just enough, but not too much, to maintain that perfect balance of marbling vs tenderness. I’ve relaxed and meditated to keep all those amazing flavours inside of me. I’ve researched all the greatest meats in the world, from prime Angus beef to A5 Wagyu. I really think I may have outdone myself.
I’m having my hair and makeup done at the local salon this afternoon, and I’m going to look so pretty; all prize piggy on show at the fair. I’m even going to have a big red ribbon in my hair, in memory of Aunt Liz.
Maybe there’ll be a cute boy I can snog in the wool shed, maybe there won’t – I don’t really care; because the most important, most certain thing is that I’m going to be the most delicious Long Pig in the history of our entire family.
I’m going to make everyone so damn happy, and I’m just so glad I can share my story with you all, instead of hiding it in a grubby book like poor Aunt Liz.
My only real disappointment? That you won’t get to taste me.
Reader, I have loved, loved my life. My Long Pork will be out of this world: once tasted, never, ever forgotten.

Ok for starters this is a throw away account since I know they have reddit and I DO NOT want them to see this. Also we are friends online! Don't judge I have a ton of friends in LDR 😭 Anyways. I have no idea what to think and I feel like I can't ask my friends since we are all in a big friend group and I'm afraid they will tell him. Recently, I will call him G, and I have been getting close. I will also start by saying we have been friends since December. There was some drama that happened and he blocked the whole friend group. He ended up only messaging me about coming back and everything and now we are all friends again. Since then we have been getting closer. We were still some what distant but since my boyfriend and I started having issues he's become less distant (I should also note that my boyfriend and I have basically separated after an argument). We started talking a lot more and he even opened up to me about some personal stuff. A few weeks ago I showed him a friend of mine and he decided he liked her. I tried to set them up, but it sort of fell through. I hate to admit it but I'm happy it fell through. This led to us talking even more. We are very similar in music taste, thoughts, and movies. This is where I am now wondering if he likes me or if I'm tripping. He sends me music and songs he likes all the time. He also talks about movies and we even have a list we should watch (admittedly a lot with our friends but there are a few he thinks would be better suited for just us). We also just bought concert tickets together and plan to meet up after I said I wanted to go but had no one to go with. Anytime I talk about how I want to do things he always says how he would do them with me. How he would love to go do this or that with me. But when others mention it, he sort of shys away from the idea. We also stay up late, even after our whole friend group is gone. We play games together even though I'm bad. He sends me funny messages all the time now too. To the point where if he's laughing I know I'll receive the video. He also has apologized to me before about how he wants to not be as rude to me (we make jokes for sure towards each other) and how he feels it isn't right of him to do so. He also likes my Instagram notes and comments a lot on them. I know those reasons may not make it seem likely that he likes me but there are 3 specific instances that I think of. The first is when I was complaining about how I would be bored by myself at this thing I was doing. He said he wouldn't be busy at that time and I joked we would probably just talk in our group chat. He sort of laughed then started to stutter saying, "Well you know...You know...haha" And then said, "Well if you wanted..." and stopped himself. I don't know what he was going to ask. But we spent 2 hours during said boring event talking and he showed me his guitar and how to restring it. The second is the other day we were talking about movies. There is this movie he LOVES so much. We have regular movie nights with the gang and the other day it fell through. I said I was sad and wanted to watch the movie. He started to say "well you know...if you wanted" again. After some time of talking he nervous laughed and asked if I wanted to watch another movie with him just him and I. I agreed. We got off track as we usually do and ended up on the conversation of his favorite movie again. He then asked "We could watch [name of favorite movie] instead...together if you wanted to..". That brings me to my third scenario of the fact we watched the movie together by ourselves. I should also say he almost never stutters over anything and has no issues asking me to do xyz in games we play or to watch this video ect. Those 2 stuttering moments have thrown me off completely. 

ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, we had movie night today and he turned his camera on and my god He has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. His laugh is contagious as well. I almost want to be around him The most of all of our friends because he is so kind and has the best laugh. But his smile oh my god and his eyes. That's the first thing I noticed about him. I think I may have developed a crush on him. But do you all think he may have as well?