My son is 17 and is suffering from depression. I try my best to be compassionate and understanding, but it is really hard when he blames me for everything when he's really just being self destructive. For example, he will not eat for two days except 4 bags of candy. Then he will complain that he feels like garbage. I will cook dinner, but the entire time, he will be ranting at me in the kitchen that I don't listen to him and I don't love him and I'm a terrible mother, and on and on and on.
I try to stay neutral and not get defensive, because, again, I know those things aren't true. But if I said something like, "have some dinner, it will help," he just says, "no it won't. Nothing will help. You don't understand. You can't understand. You just want to watch tv all day. You love tv more than me." Etc. By the way, I only watch one episode of tv a day after work and pause it whenever he tries to talk to me so I can hear him.
Anyway, he has no boundaries, is always making a mess, is always in my room while I'm at work because it is clean and pleasant and his is disgusting and dark and smelly, takes my things without asking, breaks things due to carelessness or losing his temper, and doesn't go to school more than a few days a month.
I'm so tired of watching him create 80% of his own problems and refuse to try anything that might help his chemical imbalance that I've lost compassion for him. He is so stubborn. Refuses treatment. Refuses therapy. Refuses food/sleep/hygiene/exercise/socializing, etc. He did 5 months in Residential Treatment in an incredibly good program that wasn't mean or like juvy at all. But he just considers it me "locking him up" and is traumatized by it.
I woke him this morning to try to get him to eat and take his medication and he tucked his head under his blanket and looked so sweet like a little boy and my heart broke. I am so resentful of him and often times passive aggressive and I wish I could just be kind and soft and caring, but he is so mean and, outwardly, it doesn't seem like he cares about me or himself or literally anything. It is so hard.
How can I be kind and understanding when he is mean, insulting, accusatory, gaslighting, bitter, and has zero ability to respect my boundaries? (I just put a lock on my bedroom door to keep him out while I'm at work so that's helping.)

Hello, fellow depressed mamas. A bunch of situational factors have plunged me into a pretty bad spot as of late and I'm realizing I need more help to get out of it. I had been on Zoloft for years (it turned my PPD/PPA around after having my first in 2017) but after my daughter was born in 2022 (after a grueling 18 months of fertility treatments and failures), it was no longer cutting it. Then my grandparents died. Then my brother went "no contact" from me and my parents with no explanation. Then my husband had an affair with a waitress at his work and I discovered it on my birthday.
I started therapy (which has helped) and my dr switched me to lexapro. It didn't seem to be helping, so we switched again to Cymbalta. Still nothing, and lately I've been feeling extremely hopeless. Like what's the point in trying at anything because life is too hard and it's all for nothing. I called my doctor this morning and told the receptionist this through tears --- that I'm doing very badly on my current antidepressant and I need something else --- but the soonest I can get an appt in July 1. Would it be crazy to double up my Cymablta dose in the meantime? I'm really struggling and don't know what to do.

I can't talk to any of my friends about this. Or anyone really, because I've never met another human being close to my situation. It's destroying me mentally, because as each day goes on and on I feel less and less human. To the point where I'm rejecting calling myself a "person," because of outside of the rest of the human race I feel. And why? Sex. It's the one thing.
I'm 31 years old a virgin. I'm an incredibly outgoing person, j make friends easily, and in my professional life my charm and charisma have gotten me very far. I put myself out there, and the answer is always no. Sometimes it's simple, sometimes they're shitty about it. All in all this has made me feel like I'm not enough. So far it's been proven that I'm fantastic, but not worth that kind of intimacy. Why do I say that? Because I am a broken man. Why am I broken man?
When I was 7 I was repeatedly molested by another boy who lived in the neighborhood. This made me severely depressed growing up and my parents were totally unequipped. My mother has a reputation in the community as being one of the most stressful, toxic, demanding, and cruel people they've ever met. There is a difference between people in my life between those who have met her and those who haven't. Those who haven't think I'm overreacting, those who have are surprised I'm anywhere near as functional as I am. My father was just absent. My sister hated me. Both my mom and sister, when mad at me, would tell me that I would be alone for the rest of my life and no one woman would want to be with me. So far they're proving to be right.
I like who I am, and I've put a lot of work into being someone worth being...but I'm not happy with the results. Why? Because I've only met one person in my life who wanted to be with me, and she changed her mind, and meanwhile I have been sexually assaulted by 7 different people. Both men and women.
Sometimes it was simple. Getting groped and grabbed at concerts, mild in comparison. The last woman who came into me, when I turned her down, she threatened to rape me. The first woman in my life to ever show a genuine sexual interest me, she escalated things to the sexual quickly. It was so nice, so validating, to be seen and desired like that. According to my friends they've never seen me so confident as I was in that scenario. Shortly thereafter I found out she was falsifying her identity. She wasn't a teacher in Manhattan. I don't know who she was. The only person I've ever expressed my sexual self to and she wasn't a real person. I saw the red flags, but I was so desperate for new memories I ignored them. I didn't want to be drawn back into my childhood every time I have a sexual thought or feeling.
I get rejected a lot. It's usually the same thing over and over: you're the perfect man. Safe, conscientious, empathetic, intelligent, emotionally intelligent and aware, but something's just missing.
I don't know what to do because the only conclusion I've come to is "I'm attractive enough to be worth raping, but not lovable enough for genuine intimacy." I can't shake this thought. There's nothing I can do to get rid of it. I've been in therapy for fifteen years, and I've worked on myself as much as I can. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to come to peace with this. I think about all the assaults everyday. And while I don't think losing my virginity will fix all my problems...but I kinda do. Because the problem is that 100% of my associations with sex are violence, and people who want to take my agency away from me. And I'm a man. We're judged by our ability to have sex, and I'm so afraid of my own sexual feelings and other people's sexual actions, that I have effectively been psychologically castrated. There is an extreme dissociation where my sexual self is totally sequestered away from the rest of me. Nobody wants that, and the only people who do want to hurt me, so it doesn't belong in the light of day.
This is my experience with sex. It makes me feel decidedly different from the rest of the human race, because no one gets it. I am in psychic pain always.
I've always centered at my world view a defiant love for humanity in spite of all of its gruesomeness. I, having been what I've been through, always felt that to love others is my purpose. I am on Earth to be kind, caring, and loving. It's my nature as an individual. I'm at my wits end though, and I fine myself starting to hate humanity, something I've always had a deep love for. And with that hatred is coming a loss of purpose. I am having a severe existential crisis over this, and find everything I value in myself evaporating. It feels as if things are going to go white, that who I am is going to disappear, and I'm gonna be on autopilot from here on out. I find my patience and empathy for others waning because I don't have space for it anymore. I was sexually abused as a child, but I've never been held while crying. That dissonance right there is indescribably painful. It has made me a broken man.

Hi, I just got diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia. I know I push through more than I should to get things done and such, though it’s hard to find any research on this. I was wondering if anyone knew if this could cause fainting. I’ve kinda realized a small pattern with it happening more when I’m tired. I’ve been looking for a cause recently, and I’m not just running into dead ends Ofcourse. I’ve been dealing with dizziness and fainting for a while, sometimes worst than others. It would make sense if this was the cause but I don’t know.
They said if I was able to get off all my medication that they think that I would of got diagnosed with narcolepsy. Though this is not a reasonable possibility (getting off all meds for mental health reasons) and the treatment is the same.
Before I got tested I was already on a lot of the treatment for adhd, anxiety and depression (adderal and rem suppressants) so they are luckily not going to have trouble with insurance authorizations and the treatment is the same. I haven’t started a more conclusive approach for the disorder yet, waiting for it pcp, psychiatrist, or the sleep specialist is taking over that. (Dual medication for both)
I was wondering if anyone else had this experience? If so how did you fix it.

Female, age 24, 5’7”, obese Medications: Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Vitamin D, Levothyroxine, B-12, Meclizine, Metformin I live in Ohio, USA Illnesses: PCOS, anxiety, depression, hypothyroidism, vertigo
Hi everyone, a few days ago these bumps appeared out of nowhere and they haven’t gone away. Some info; I haven’t changed my diet or anything I use in the shower, they don’t itch or hurt, all medicine is the same as usual, and if I try to pop them I don’t notice anything come out? They spread from the front of my neck and across the top of my chest. I just hate how it looks, any idea as to what this is or possible treatment?
Please check my Reddit page for the pics since I can’t attach them here, thank you in advance!

hello! longtime lurker, but this is my first time posting. my partner does use reddit so i’m under a pseudonym. i am 24f, in a long term relationship with 25m. we’ve been dating since we were 17 and 18 respectively, and this year is our 7th together.
we have a lot of the same interests, shared friend groups, similar outlooks on life and marriage. i’ve always seen him as my best friend and we’ve always supported each other. we’re very physically affectionate, and he is one of the kindest and sweetest souls i’ve ever met. people around us have started joking about when we’re getting married, “where are the kids?” etc.
it’s always been a source of strength for me, knowing that he has my back. but i’m starting to feel a paralyzing amount of what i suspect is either relationship anxiety or some kind of ocd. i think the triggering event is an upcoming cross-country move that i am about to undertake for my dream phd program. my partner and i will have to do long-distance for the first year. he plans to follow after getting things sorted with the lease at our current place, likely next summer.
i’ve concluded my current job and am now “taking a break” before classes start—something i was excited about up until a few weeks ago, which has now morphed into a nightmare depressive episode the likes of which i have never experienced before. i lay in bed all day ruminating about everything in my life, from my future to my partner to myself. the contents of my greatest relationship-related terror, as follows:
we are very different educationally. i have no doubts about his intellect, but he has his associate’s while i went to a 4-year and am now about to pursue the aforementioned phd. he has switched jobs four times over the past 7 years, going from call center work to water plant software maintenance (?) to a brief stint with delivery/doordash and now to data entry. he was not fired from these positions, but left voluntarily (sometimes due to moves, other times due to dissatisfaction).
these positions are all entry-level, and he has expressed distinct dissatisfaction with aspects of all of them until the most recent position. i’ve never been bothered by it before, but as i make career decisions and see others around me doing the same, i start to worry that he’ll never find something he likes. he’s also expressed that he doesn’t think there will be a career that he loves the way i love mine, and that scares me. i want to feel like my partner and i are both working towards our own happiness. and i’m scared that he isn’t.
this terror has turned into me looking for jobs in our new city for him, suggesting career paths and schooling and having multiple conversations where i have asked him to think about what he wants to do. he’s been open to looking into my suggestions, agreed that he might be depressed/struggling with adhd, and will start looking for a therapist, but he has also told me that he needs some time to work on these things. i’m scared of the neurotic, controlling person i’m becoming and terrified that i’m in denial about this relationship working out. and all the while, he has sat with me during panic attacks, promised me that we’ll be okay, and tried everything to cheer me up.
i also feel no small amount of shame for even worrying about this to begin with. i didn’t find my undergraduate experience to be particularly whelming, especially with the pandemic—i think it charted my ability to come to class every day and little else. but i’ve heard many people deride the idea of women “dating down” educationally, and it troubles me. my partner is so intelligent but could not afford a 4-year program, and i am afraid that hinders him from finding fulfilling job opportunities + eventually hinder us from reaching our life goals (which right now involve buying a house someday and going to Greece, haha).
reddit, i’d love if i could hear some perspectives from people who have been in similar situations, either with sudden doubts in long term relationships, education gaps, impending long distance, etc. i’m starting therapy and potentially meds for anxiety, but am struggling to even get through the days right now. i want to grow together with him, but also don’t want to try to change him. would it be better for us if i left?
TL;DR anxious about long term relationship and a perceived “ambition gap” between myself and my partner, especially as we are about to undertake a large move to a HCOL area.

Every day at around the 3 hour mark after taking this medication in the morning, I experience chest tightness that feels like the beginning of anxiety/panic attack but without the mental breakdown that goes with it. I only experience the physical chest tightness and shortness of breath. This goes on for most of the day and it's difficult to catch a full breath. For those of you that have also experienced this, does it go away? If I take an anxiety med, it subsides, so it seems to me like this medication is causing physical anxiety symptoms. I do take it with prescribed methylphenidate, however, I've taken the prozac without this and still experienced this issue. It is already helping with depression, so I would hate to stop taking this so soon into the treatment, but if this is a very serious side effect (as Dr. Google seems to say it is) I may need to stop taking it. I did already email my doctor as well, just looking for similar lived experiences. Thank you!

When I got off my train Saturday 1:30pm at Halfweg-Zwannenburg, someone handed me a flyer informing that the train station would be closed at 10 pm due to capacity issue expected by the municipality. I immediately started to mentally prepare myself for the possible scenario of having to walk to the next station due to insufficient shuttle bus capacity by the festival. And I was proven completely wrong.
From entering the festival site, to buying tokens, getting drinks, all the way till leaving at night with shuttle bus, I was not even once in a queue for longer than 5 minutes. The organization and service was immaculate, truly a zero hassle festival experience, which before this day I never thought would've been possible.
And all the staff that I had interacted with, was friendly and patient. There were also abundant benches, seats and hammocks for people to chill and rest. In terms of service and facilities, it was flawless.
As for the stages, Area 24 was just an existence of pure perfection. The 360-degree setting of the stage centered in a little basin surrounded by the little hills, casted an almost mystic and holy atmosphere to this shrine of techno. And it just only got even better after dark, with the smoke and lighting, I was completely lost in the wonderland.
I was only at Area 97, the main stage for the ROD X Stranger set, for which I paid a small price of having to endure the closing of Marlon Hoffstadt where the crowd bursted into singing. Well, it's still Awakening so I shouldn't complain. I felt the main stage was adequately huge to contain the crowd, but not oversized to the point of losing its focus. One thing I was a bit bothered was it seemed that Stranger fucked up a few times and in the end ROD had to take over half-track to save it. But I was peaking on my acid so I might just be wrong about it.
Area 22 with Francesco del Garda was a gift that could've only been dreamed of. The weather, the groove, I just melted with joy under the sun. Area 07 was a bit too hard for me, didn't stay long, and never really went for 14. But in general I was just busy hopping from one spot to another, relentlessly absorbing the great energy everywhere.
Polar Inertia (this is not really a review, but more of a trip recap)
And of course the 1-hour Polar Inertia, how do I put it, had to be the most unforgettable set (or trip) I ever had in a live event. The stage lighting changed from red themed (Julie) to blue themed, which perfectly matched the style of Polar Inertia. The light blue light cascading from behind the DJs, combined with the overall ambience lighting, instantly teleported me to a gigantic aquarium under the ocean. The ever accelerating pulsing bass in their opening sequence felt like an unknown, unstable source of energy deep beneath the seabed that was about to erupt at any moment. I could feel the ground was shattering, and I was no longer dancing on the surface of a planet, but drifting in a dimension that was never known to us.
There was an overwhelming dissonance dissipating from their music, that deconstructed the vacuum of safety I thought I had me in protection. The music attacked from an astronomically grand scale, as if everything I ever learned just collapsed within moments, and I was thrown into a space that had to be recreated, reimagined and reconstructed. At the same time, amidst the total apocalyptic disintegration of the world in my mind, infinite matters and materials were injected through a perpetual flow of musical elements. It was like an entropic fountain of theories and theorems, a bombardment of formations and formulae, an overgrowth of hypotheses and equations, and I, was to make sense and make use of them all, to create a new order, a new world.
And that was the moment I had come up with an answer to a question I had been pondering for so long:
"As someone who had been exclusively listening to classical music for 20+ years and always sneered at almost all other genres, how was I able to fall in love with techno, which seems to be the absolute nemesis of classical music?"
It is because, to phrase it in a plain way, classical music enables listeners to relive experiences composers convey in their music. It is relatable, it arouses empathy and sympathy. For example, one could feel Beethoven's struggle against destiny, Chopin's patriotism, Schumann's depression and so on, just by listening to their music which brings the listeners to the composers' worlds and lives as if they are living through it. On the contrary, techno just puts the listeners to a completely foreign, or even alien dimension, confronted with unknown information, stranded in a terra incognita, and force them to use their own imagination to make sense of what is happening. It was really a moment of epiphany that almost made me crying.
I left Area 01 in total awe and complete surrender to the masterclass of Polar Inertia, what a journey! Even with just this one hour, my experience of Awakening Upclose would have been 10 out of 10. Let alone all the magical happened within the two days.
Thank you, Awakenings Upclose. You were the best.

This could be a long one. Or maybe it will be short, I don't know.
I am 24, turning 25 at the end of the year. Grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive household. Adoptee, orphaned at 11. I have now noticed that apart from depression and anxiety, I have been toxic and dysfunctional in my relationships (platonic and romantic). I have love bombed and put people on a pedestal without even knowing enough about them to categorize them as such important people in my life. I have had anger issues and had to apologize to my ex partners for outbursts that embarrassed them and was disrespectful. I have switched friend groups a lot because people have become distant towards me and after noticing it a few times, I just know when they are slowly removing themselves from my life and I do them a favor and isolate myself. No one has ever had a talk where they point things out and then proceeded to cut me off, but I think it is because they saw me as 1) cocky, arrogant, not teachable or 2) an adult that knows what they are doing - jokes on them, I did not. (Or third option, the mood swings that come with depression are not easy to handle for those around me. Everyone is pro mental health but also those struggling are often a menace. Anyways.) After leaving my abusive childhood home I felt “freedom” for the first time and went crazy! Too crazy, with no regards for others as I was feeding my inner child with all that she “missed” out on (attention, love, my own money etc.). I have created unnecessary drama by having two affairs with taken people. I did it out of insecurity and retrospectively, because I probably felt a high from them “choosing” me and did not understand that them choosing me was not a compliment. It’s not a case of having been outed on social media or so, more so, within my community I just notice people keeping me at an arm's length. When you post revealing pictures, dress a certain way, look for attention, post your partner (now ex) excessively (essentially trying to prove to the world how good the relationship is), at some point, people call your bs on how insecure you are and how much you base your self-worth on external validation and factors, how you have no sense of shame (not because you don’t care, but because you don’t know - low social awareness kind of thing). No one has come to me to call me out, but again, I am silently watching people be very careful with how they engage with me. And I myself have gone into isolation too. It’s frustrating as owning up to insecure, immature, toxic behavior does not mean it never happened. I have a severe fear of being seen/perceived now. "What if who they saw me as is who they'll ever believe me to be?" kind of thing. I am growing in self awareness at an age where I see many other people my age be further in their emotional maturity. I wish I was raised better. Good upbringing is such a privilege! I have been very childish in how I handled my reputation. Children don’t care for repercussions, I never did either. And yes I have found a therapist and psychiatrist on whose waiting lists I am on (but I am terrified to say the least as where I live I have to pay everything by myself and you guessed it - I don’t have good financial habits established yet and am scared to start therapy and possibly medication and not be able to continue treatment till I heal what is likely C-PTSD as these things are just highly expensive). Now that some enlightenment is happening, I am almost hopeless as if a potential partner did some searching, what they would find out could be problematic. These things did not happen at an age where I was a child, people actually expect me to be an adult. I am disgusted by myself and my former lack of integrity. I understand I find myself in a mess I single handedly created. This is a very short version of everything that has happened, that I did and so on.
How much hope is there really for me? I see a need to reparent myself, I would say I (obviously) was not raised very well under care and consistent love and have sought it in all the wrong places.
How do I undo life as I know it?
How do I come to terms with having to heal before I put myself back out there into the dating pool and even search for new friendships while I work on myself. I have been lonely for the majority of my life already and now that I know of my need to heal, I feel angry and sad that I may not be able to enjoy social connections for a while. Does that make sense? To protect others.
How do I accept that I can only heal from a place of self-love and self-compassion, not shame? I am currently in a severe depressive episode and already know that any doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist would probably focus on getting me to a stable mental state first. But I would prefer to go straight into learning new behavioral skills, healthy coping mechanisms and so on.. I feel like shaming myself into changing atm, which is funny as I want to stop pleasing people but am also changing amongst other reasons to be more likable by society?
How do I reparent myself joyfully? What can I do to enjoy this healing journey? Like seriously “re-raise” myself.
How do I forgive myself for the affairs (I’ve owned up to them to the women), the cringe oversharing, the skimpy outfits, the serial dating and so on? (without minimizing my home-wrecking)
How do I learn to trust myself, to trust that I don't f up any new relationship or friendship?
How do I measure when I am ready and healthy/healthier? What differentiates former red flags that turn into green flags from those that remain toxic, dysfunctional and so on?
Is it even possible to establish a sense of self and self-worth at my age? Should that not have happened by now?
What therapeutic modality would be best for me? Any therapists here by any chance? Can I even truly get rid of my baggage?
LOL: Men, would you date me based on what you heard lol? Given I have done “the work”. Please elaborate then what the “work” is. How do I redeem myself? I’d potentially also like to hear from the people that believe “people don’t change”. I’d like your view of things too if possible. Any comment and tip helps. Thank you so much.
Also: I newly found to Christ and would appreciate hearing from Christians too. From anyone really.
Please keep in mind that money is an issue unfortunately. I would love mentorship, therapy, to be surrounded by "elders" that can help me mature, are there any - idk- programs that are free?

I had my first lap that led to my diagnosis in August 2023. The doctor who did the procedure was the fifth one I had talked to about my symptoms and concerns that I had endo and the only one who offered an ultrasound or surgery to get to the bottom of the pain I’ve experienced in the past 7 years. She would make comments that made me feel dismissed, such as “it’s not your fault you feel this way. Eve bit the Apple, not you. We are just meant to suffer” or only talk to my husband DURING my ultrasound. Despite this, I stuck with her out of fear of starting over and having to explain to another doctor that I’m not being dramatic about my pain. My only post-op appointment was a disaster. While she did show me the three points of endo that had developed behind my uterus, I wasn’t given any information about what stage it was in or how to treat them. All I was told is “I’m not so worried about it that I’d push you to have a baby yet” and “there’s a lot of good resources online that you can look up”. She even took a phone call and gestured for me to leave the room and ended our appointment! I left feeling like I didn’t leave with hardly any more knowledge about my condition than what I entered with. I looked online and saw information about hormonal medicine that may help, including Orilissa, which I took for a short time before my surgery, but I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and have noticed that hormonal medication negatively affects my mental state. Since my appointment, I’ve virtually given up on treatment. I don’t feel any better than I did before the procedure, and it feels like I’m getting more and more symptoms every month.for instance, around my surgery, I started noticing light rectal bleeding that would happen during my period, which my doctor shrugged off when I brought it up. Now, I experienced the bleeding at the same pace with the same consistency as my menstruation. I’ve tried to incorporate a plant based diet and Pilates/cardio to help combat other symptoms and haven’t seen much difference there either. Sometimes it feels like nothing is going to get better, but I want to be optimistic. I thought about getting a new doctor and talking about a hysterectomy or other ways to manage, but I’m worried it won’t even be worth it. This is 100% a pity party but I really wanted to get it out there. Do any of y’all relate to this frustration? How do you handle it?

tl;dr - my relationship was the only good thing in my life, it just suddenly ended, and I have no social or clinical support system to lean on. Having a bit of a crisis. I hate listing acronyms, but for the sake of context: OCD, ADHD II, ASD, CPTSD.
Yesterday, my partner and I suddenly broke up. This morning we said our final goodbyes over the phone. I'm not exaggerating by saying our relationship was the only good thing in my life, and our future together was the only thing I had to look forward to... Since our relationship began, my ESA has been diagnosed with cancer and chronic lameness, my parents began a nasty divorce which completely destabilized both myself and our household in general (I reluctantly began living with them recently as I'm disabled and really didn't have a choice after my own divorce), I drifted far away from my best and only friend during this period of time (they are not in a life-place where we could reconnect or they could be there for me), I developed a recurring tear in an arm tendon, I don't have any other close family, and the one person I do have (my mom) has caused me a litany of trauma and is generally a strong negative presence in my life. My car is also falling apart... I feel like I'm living in the most contrived, depressing country song of all time right now. If someone else told me they had this many problems simultaneously, I probably wouldn't believe them.
So back to my partneex... They were the first and only person in my life who I felt actually understood me. And I believe they felt/feel the same toward me. Their life had also begun a downward spiral since shortly after our relationship began. We both fell into an intense series of personal misfortunes, which were unrelated to one another. We would always talk about how if we weren't there for each other during these times, there'd be no one in our lives to support us the way we need(ed). We came together right before all of these bad things happened, and celebrated what an unexpected lifeline we'd been thrown in the form of one another. At the same time, those stressors were forming cracks in us and in our relationship... Horrible poetic irony... I've been reduced to basic low-functioning survival mode, unable to completely fulfill all of my partner roles that need to be, while they've become less and less of themselves; which I believe was more or less the deepest fracture. We communicated openly and honestly as we'd always done, and the bottom line for me was that I'm doing my best and it's not enough, and their negative experiences over the course of our relationship catalyzed an incompatible change in them for the sake of their mental preservation... That there wasn't room in that space to support or consider my needs in the way they need to be, nor overlook my inability to meet theirs currently. Obviously there's an additional ocean of nuance and detail, but I think that's enough of a painted picture. Basically, no one's at fault.
At this moment, my mind is frantically attempting to figure out where to go when I have no support system. There's no one to call, nowhere to go, etc... I have a therapist and a psych, but they have little expertise in intense neurodivergence, and I know that what I need is guidance from someone who knows how to handle someone like me specifically, that actually understands what my brain is doing. I've even considered extreme measures like going to the ER and attempting to access expedited psychiatric inpatient treatment, but I don't really think that's the answer, and it also opens up a whole other pandora's box of complications... I'm totally lost and directionless. No friends, no family, a dying ESA... And I can't stop crying. Haven't eaten in a couple days at least. Face hurts so much from bawling. Outside of this relationship suddenly imploding, I have a toxic single parent, a dying car, a dying dog, endless responsibilities, and rescue meds that keep me sedated and confused in-between crying. I'm in my mid 30's and never felt so helpless, worthless, and alone.

Hi, long shot, but… has anyone here had ECT? I know a lot of us have BPD with a basket of goodies on the side like depression and all the other fun things.
I have been asked to consider ECT by my psychiatrist. I have been on over 15 different medications and have done my fair share of talk therapy for the handful of diagnoses I have one being treatment resistant depression/ major depressive disorder.
Before I dive into this and give it a sliver of hope that it might help and I might feel better, I just want to know if anyone else has had experience with it. Bonus points if you have a VP shunt and weren’t terrified they’re going to deep fry your brain…
Peace and love ❤️

BY JOHN MONK / THE STATE - CRIME & COURTS / MAY 20, 2024 @ 12:23 PM - UPDATED @ 1:57 PM
While awaiting trial in the Richland County jail, Alex Murdaugh got into a fight with a man charged with burglarizing and sexually assaulting one of Murdaugh’s nieces.
The fight was disclosed by the niece in a recent TEDx video talk that was posted on YouTube. In the video, the niece discussed the ways she has worked her way through the triple traumas of depression, being the survivor of a brutal assault while a college student in Columbia and, finally, being a member of a family at the center of a shocking crimedia frenzy followed by millions of people around the world.
The niece, Mary Elizabeth Murdaugh, 23, is now studying abroad. She said she made the video in hopes of inspiring people who were going through deeply trying times. During her 18-minute talk, she said, “My uncle and my attacker had gotten into a fight in jail.” She didn’t go into detail.
The State normally does not identify the victims of sexual assault. Mary Elizabeth Murdaugh is being named because she identified herself during the discussion and on the video posted on YouTube.
Sources familiar with the fight between Murdaugh and the inmate confirmed that he has told people about the fight and that the man Murdaugh fought with was angry at him. The sources did not want their names made public. Richland County officials, who operate the Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center, have not responded to queries about the incident.
“They put this guy in the same pod at Alvin S. Glenn as Alex,” said one source whom Alex spoke to. “They were out in an open area together and the guy comes up to Alex and tries to explain how Alex’s family is framing him, and that just started a fight.”
The fight went on for some time. “Both of them got real banged up,” the source said. “The jail was somewhat chagrined that they had had them together. They were never put together again.”
The source said the jail was so understaffed “they had Alex in there breaking up fights.”
The man Murdaugh fought with is Robert Drayton, 42, who is now serving a life sentence for burglary, plus two 30-year sentences for kidnapping and criminal sexual conduct. He is not eligible for parole.
Drayton, who represented himself, was convicted of those charges involving Murdaugh’s niece in July 2023 after a four-day jury trial.
During sentencing before a packed courtroom, Judge Heath Taylor said he was shocked at the crime’s brutality and told Drayton he had always wondered why burglary first degree — one of the crimes for which the jury found Drayton guilty — carried the possibility of a maximum life sentence.
But now, knowing the brutal facts of this case, a life sentence for burglary during which a brutal assault was committed “makes sense,” Taylor said.
“Mr. Drayton, I don’t have the words for how depraved this crime was,” the judge said before pronouncing sentence. “I watched the (surveillance) video. It wasn’t nobody but you. It wasn’t even a close call. It was despicable what you did to that young lady that night. I don’t understand it.”
Evidence in the case showed Murdaugh’s niece and Drayton did not know each other and that he had stalked her.
“You sought this young lady out,” the judge told the defendant. “This was a plan. You didn’t just happenstance into her apartment and decide to sexually assault her. You made a plan. ... You’d been looking for her, following her. I don’t have the words.”
The judge also paid tribute to Mary Elizabeth Murdaugh, who had testified during the trial. He called her a brave young woman, “an impressive and strong young lady. ... I’m sorry you went through this,” Taylor said.
In addition to surveillance videos, evidence against Drayton included DNA and his shoe prints, according to a press release by 5th Circuit Solicitor Byron Gipson’s office after the conviction.
Murdaugh, 55, and Drayton are both incarcerated in state prison now.
Murdaugh is serving double life sentences without parole at an undisclosed state prison. Officials don’t say which prison because of security concerns. He was convicted in 2023 of murdering his wife, Maggie, and son Paul in 2021 at their home in a rural area outside Hampton.
Drayton is serving his life without parole sentence at the Broad River Road correctional facility outside Columbia.
“They have never been housed in the same institution at S.C. Department of Corrections,” said Chrysti Shain, spokeswoman for the corrections department.
SOURCE: Click HERE to read the story via The State online.

Im sorry for my poor English, it’s my third language.
I’m 28 years old. In 2013 I found out that I had a benign tumor in my spinal cord, I was told that this kind of tumors don’t affect health unless it grows in size, I just should do screenings once a year and that’s it. Danger symptoms are: loosing balance, coordination, weakness in my legs. In June 2023 I did my annual screening and I was told that everything is fine, it grows but veryyyyy slowly. In August 2023 I started having back pain in the exact area where tumor was located. The problem is that I couldn’t have a consultation with my neurosurgeon (I won’t go into details because it’s a long story). The pain was becoming worse and worse, so I was almost panicking, I went to numerous doctors and some of them said it can’t be affected by tumors, some said it can be affected, I felt completely helpless, didn’t know what to do. I tried every treatment they prescribed but it didn’t help. So I flew to another country to meet more qualified doctors. Both of them said that my situation is under control, I won’t be paralyzed (it was my main fear), but I’ll need surgery sooner or later, they were ready to do surgery. Also they said that my back pain can be affected by tumors. So I decided to do surgery. Neurosurgeon assured me that I’ll recover 100% in three months after surgery. It was the hardest three months in my life (again I won’t go into details), I barely walked, couldn’t feel my lower body e.t.c. In three months I was in much better shape, but I lost sensation under the chest area on the right side of my body, also I lost about 30% sensation in my lower body comparing how it felt before and became shorter for 3cm, and I guess I’ll be with it for the rest of my life. The worst thing is that pain in my back didn’t go away, it stayed. I found out what it was later, the pain almost vanished. I can’t come to my senses, I’m depressed and it’s hard for me to talk to people, I constantly regret having surgery. Outcomes affect me on daily basis. Maybe writing it here will help.

I was recently denied a sleep apnea claim because of attached reasons

1. Service connection for sleep apnea as secondary to the service-connected disability of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD); unspecified depressive disorder. Service connection may be granted for a disease or injury which resulted from a service connected disability or was aggravated thereby. The evidence does not show that sleep apnea is related to the service-connected condition of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD); unspecified depressive disorder, nor is there any evidence of this disability during military service. (38 CFR TROY BARTON 439 06 9928 3 of 4 3.303, 38 CFR 3.304, 38 CFR 3.310) Your service treatment records do not contain complaints, treatment, or diagnosis for this condition. The evidence does not show a current diagnosed disability. (38 CFR 3.159, 38 CFR 3.303) VAMC records do not show a diagnosis of sleep apnea or a sleep study. Nor is there private medical evidence showing a current diagnosis. Service connection for sleep apnea is denied because the medical evidence of record fails to show that this disability has been clinically diagnosed. (38 CFR 3.303, 38 CFR 3.304)

So, i submitted a supplemental claim with OSA being diagnosed with a CPAP machine....Would that help me with my claim?

Full blog linked here.
We all know one of the biggest (and most time-consuming) components of the application is the Personal Statement essay. This essay is a crucial piece of the puzzle, offering admissions officers a glimpse into your personality, experiences, and aspirations. However, there is one topic that students should avoid, as it can do more harm than good: mental health struggles.
Here's why.
First and foremost, colleges are increasingly concerned about their retention rates. They want to admit students who are not only academically capable but also likely to thrive and persist through their college years. Unfortunately, discussing mental health struggles in your application essay could inadvertently raise red flags for admissions officers. While it's unfair and unfortunate, the reality is that colleges may view mental health disclosures as potential liabilities, impacting their retention rates.
But don't just take my word for it. There have been instances where colleges have explicitly flagged applications that mention mental health struggles, leading to rejection. This includes Cornell University and New College of Florida, which came under scrutiny for discriminating against applicants with mental health disclosures. These are not an isolated incident but rather a cautionary tale for all college applicants.
With this said, mental health is a vital aspect of our lives, and it's essential to seek support and resources when needed. However, because of the aforementioned reality, your college application essay might not be the best platform to disclose such personal struggles.
If you are struggling with mental health, call the SAMHSA National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), a free, confidential, 24/7, year-round treatment referral and information service.

Hello together, Since i need to get this stuff out of my mind i thought of posting my full story about my past Relationship with a Girl with BPD.
About me
24M we we're together for 2,5 years. Parents divorced when i was 8, after that our Home was never rly a Family again. Have 2 Sisters but no strong Bond to them. She was my first real girlfriend and definetly is my first true Love (6th class i had a "gf" for 8~weeks that started while she was in a relationship that she ended for me). I was a virgin before her, and only kissed my "first GF" before no other Woman. I also Had very little contact to woman and didnt knew anything rly about them (how they behave/whats normal/whats not) at all after i started to work at 16. I have a strong protective Instinct for Woman and i am Overall very caring and nice Person.
About her
25F, 4 Boyfriends before me (8months/3months/3years/10months) she cheated on the second with the first and Kissed a Guy at the end of the 3year one. Parents divorced at age 13. Very rough childhood. Father a narcisst, mother made her feel Like she never wanted her. She has a older sister but the Bond isnt strong. One of her other Family members and His wife&children kinda became her Foster Family, she Sees them more as parents, and These are her Trust persons. Now diagnosed with BPD, Depression,ptsd
This will probably be a longer Story so i put it in parts.
First Meeting
The first time i met her was at a small Party at a friends house, one of my friends girlfriend knew her and warned me about her. She went through a breakup phase at the moment and they knew that she had Tinder at the moment and had slept with some Guys. This night she was flirting with someone Out of my town which later resulted in them becoming a couple.
Her Last relationship before me It lasted about 10months. It was her 4th, and the Guy never Had a Longtime relationship but a like 3/4shorter ones <1year. Since they belonged to the same friendcircle as me i noticed alot about it. It was destined to fail. He was on worktrips Monday-Friday (Army) so they only rly met in the weekends. They argued very much even in the beginning. U could see that neither of them we're rly happy in it. Personaly i dont rly like this guy since i dont like his charakter and the way he behaves sometimes.
How it started
At the end of her last relationship they moved together to my town (her ex also lived there) and they we're always at the same smaller meetups/partys as i was (only our friendcircle) with like 5-8ppl at most. One night He left earlier and she wanted to stay. This night she got a message from her father that she is not her daughter anymore since she moved out of her old apartment where he was the landlord. Due to coincidence i wanted to Go to toilet and saw her crying down the street, went to her and comforted and hugged her. Next days she thanked me for taking the time via wa(WhatsApp). The next week again there was a Party and again her Bf left earlier and she stayed. This time we we're the Last people and host closed it, WE then talked for about 3hours about her situation with her Family/ dad since i could understand it, her BF at the time Not. Also i hugged her from time to time when she was crying. Next week also the same, she stayed Bf left and she touched my Leg and Rubbed her feet against mine after he left, we also talked alot that night again after Party was closed. Couple days later she thanked me and said her Bf doesnt understand her, doesnt Take time for her problems, i Just wanted to help her and make her feel better, No romantic interest at that Point. Due to her issues we then went to for a Walk nearly everyday in the night to Talk about it. On the first Walk she literally told me about anything (Family&Friends/past relationship/ her Sex Life, with how many Guys she slept (8 at the time) and her Tinder Phase i got told about before (8 at the time)and that she isnt sexually satisfied in her relationship and never was before-outside of a ONS when she was single) All this caught me offguard since i was Virgin and never had a girl spoke to me about such things. Later we went to her place and talked more, i noticed her make me compliments all the time but i Just kinda ignored it. She then Fell asleep on my lap and i waked her Up after 10min and went home. We then went to meetup to Walk nearly everyday at the weekdays, and we fell in Love during that. But she Lied to her Bf Sometime(Not everytime) this went for Like 2/3weeks. After some time she told me she wants to leave her Bf and we cuddled Sometimes a little bit but no touching private parts more Like leaning against another (i then didnt realised that we we're cuddling). We also talked about a Future together and how we build a House and have Kids and stuff. I didnt feel Bad since her Bf treated her very poorly and never was caring or Loving for her. She then left him, and couple days later we Kissed and i was Always at her place but so that No one can notice (but people realised there is Something Off and that there something between us). During relationship she then told me that she wouldve betrayed her ex with me if i took the signals right (Like i noticed) but to my bad i didnt realised what that rly means.
The relationship
Finally i had a gf i couldnt believe it. But we kept it Hidden for 3months~ then Made it official, i then moved into her Apartment (she kept it) since i was living at parents since then. We never argued in the first 6months(!) it was just perfect. We had so much fun we enjoyed every minute and did Chat allday when Not together. I Had what i always thought what real love is. She was my best Friends and the only Person to ever give me this warm Feeling of being Loved&wanted&needed&cared for and i never trusted a Person Like her. Also the Sex did workout for her, i was the first Guy who cared for her wants and needs and she told me she never had this good Sex before and that she had her First orgasm (ngl i am also a bit over average in size but i only knew that once we bought condoms). Everything seemed Like it could Last forever she always talked about marriage, we talked about problems, we're always nice&Kind&Loving to each other and i thought well maybe i am one of the lucky people to find his wife at the first try. But after 6-8months the Sex life changed, it was still very good but only every 3-5weeks or when she was drunk (i have a high Libido). She told me before she has no high Sex Drive and had one year No Sex in the 3year relationship but that we have so few Sex now maybe a phase. So i thought ok i am Not Happy with it now but maybe it Changes and we still have Sex Sometimes and the Sex is still very good for both of us, i Made her like things before she didnt like (fingering) and we found Out some more Things she liked but has never tried/ the other did seemingly Not to her liking. But this Phase continued for the whole relationship, we never again had sex more often then every 3-5weeks outside for Like 3/4times. This put a big toll on me since for me it was very important, also she at some Point did Not Care for my needs and wouldnt do anything for me (only every 8-12weeks or so she would do give me a BJ or HJ) in bed only when she wanted Sex, also Sometimes she couldnt kiss me and tilted her head away, and often wanted it to end fast Out of nowhere. This was my only Problem and the reason i waited with marriage since every other aspect was rly fine. Only i was very Jealous since she chatted with some Guys (actually only friendship) and with on of our Friends He also came over in her want but WE only played cards or so, i asked her If there was Something but she said no and i trusted her. Also during the relationship she Always said she feared me leaving her and never would she leave me, and that she needs me in her life, that she was never so happy on all areas and that she doesnt understand how a Guy Like me who in her eyes is so perfect would Chose her.And how i always felt when Something was off and comforted her and how i am the most understanding amd empathic Person she ever met.And that she wants to marry me so bad, and that we together could conquer the world and do everything and clear every problem we have. This always gave me the confidence i needed in my life and i thought what should she wants from other Guys, she Had 4 Bad relationships and i am giving it my all so why think to much of it.
When BPD fully appeared / Breakup
Last OctobeNovember she started to have mental problems and went to weekly therapy. Thats when it all started. Her mental health became worse and worse, i tried everything i could, spoke with her all the time, tried to fix things tried to Bring Up solutions but nothing worked (Till the end of the relationship). But it only got worse. She Had suicidal thoughts, inner emtyness, started to distance herself from me, pushed me away. Didnt wanna spend time with me, wanted less and less to have physical interaction. Also in this time she talked A LOT to one of her Guy Friends who also Had Depression, and i mean a Lot. They chatted allday, Had Phone calls, and she hold her Phone away when i sat next to her when she chatted with him, but she told me i can Always See The Chat If i wanted to. They did never meetup tho, and i asked her If she Had feelings for him and she said now but that she Just wants to Talk to someone who isnt involved in her private life and i trusted that, but i was still very Jealous. Since why Not speak to me when she always could. When it was clear she has BPD she went into a 6week therapy to learn how to Deal with her suicidal thoughts etc. Later i realised where all Here Sometimes weird behavior (pushing me away/more Guy Friends/distancing/Moments where she would yell at me for no reason but 5minutes later came to say sry and her having problems to have Sex with because of the fear of emotion Connection and all the other stuff) came from since i informed myself alot about bpd. But before that we had alot of Talks how this should Work Out again since i felt she was falling for another Guy Just Like Back then with me, and i Said to her if we wont have more physical contact Like Kissing and Sex, that this wont Work Out in the longterm. But i always said i give u the time u need, i give u the time u want, together we can fix this youre never alone aslong as U have me. 1 Week later she said she Had lost feelings for me and that she wants to breakup and WE kinda did breakup there, but that she has no feelings for other and Just wants to go through this alone, but also that she constantly thinks about haveing Sexting and Sex with other Guys, Guys she has no feelings for, she can dump any Second, without having responsibilities, without the emotional Connection that was her Most important part. This was the moment i broke. I thought since she finally was satisfied she wouldnt want other Guys.. Never could i have a poly relationship. I only wanted her and i Made that clear the whole relationship even tho we Had a little Sex. I Said to her that i couldnt do this and she said she doesnt know If she rly wants it and so on. We talked for days about how to solve IT and what to do but came to the conclusion that she wants to put it ON ICE for a while,and that her Body and mind doesnt want to be touched from me but that she will install Dating apps soon... But also she changed her mind daily in nearly everything.. I thought that i broke the circle that i managed to Change he to make her feel better finally, since i was someone who gives everything for her, who Loves her for who she is, who Cares for her Like No other, she told me that she was never this satisfied, she never Had so good Sex, she never was this happy,she wanted Kids in her life but only with me she knew she want them, she said i am the right guy at the wrong time... Her Family Made clear that they want me to be her Future husband, all of them Loved me and her Friends too. During the therapy i visited her&brought her presents, Things to get her mind Off from the Situation, Pictures of us&her and her Friends&Family and everything was fine Like nothing happened. But when we chatted she didnt want to Chat, but on the Weekend we alone spent the whole time together, cuddled, but No Kissing or Sex. She Always said lets give it our all after the 6weeks and rly Work on it but i need time for me now and i respected it. But it all changed after 2 weeks she didnt want to me to visit or to Chat with me or to have Phone calls, but i knew she was on her phone the whole day.. But still she wanted to visit me in the weekends. In the 3rd week tho she said i comfort her when i am there but that she feels good without me and that the feelings are gone. Some Part of me died that moment. So we finally fully clearly broke up. We both cried alot and talked about it but there was No helping it.
After Breakup
We still have contact since her Cats& stuff is still at our Apartment, but she will get a new Apartment soon and the all of IT will be Out and i can start to fully heal. Also since we we're both active in the Association we Met Last Week, and she was crying all the time so i spoke to her, since i still Love her.. She told she wants to go back to therapy since she has again all time suicidal thoughts and does Cut herself now and in therapy/clinic she feels safe. I comforted and hugged her since she was crying all the time. I asked her how she feels and what therapy she will do in future and If she cheated on me during relationship she Said No and i asked If slept with other Guys after and she said yes.. 2 guys since and the first 1week after the breakup... And i asked If it felt good and she said that it felt very good and that she doesnt regret it.. I never felt so betrayed And Hurt i hoped that with all the Love she Had for me she could avoid doing that Just to feel good for 5minutes.. And that she did it to forget me. And she told me it since she cant lie to me and that she still has some feelings for me.. and that she Said that i know her better then she knows herself... I got so angry at that moment but Not at her at the Guy that it felt good with..(i dont know who He is and its better that way) But now i know that she will never have healthy relationship aslong as she doesnt get her Shit together, and Deals with her mental illness, she Said she wont have a relationship again aslong as she doesnt has it fixed and i Hope so for her. She Said herself she knows she will never find a Guy like me again and that she rly was never this happy in Life like with me and that never has a breakup Hurt her so much and that she never Had so strong feelings for someone and that she is very sorry it had to end this way and that she wished different but that she thanks for me for everything i have done for her.
Conclusion
I am absolutely broken my self confidence is at 0, but still i am not angry at her but very very disappointed that she gave It all Up. It was true Love from my Side and maybe to some degree from hers. BPD build Up and destroyed the relationship. But it was the best time of my and her Life. If she wouldnt have sleeped with other Guys DIRECTLY after breakup Things couldve ended differently but now i know that i will never be together or maybe even talk with the women i truly Loved with all my Heart, the Woman that Made me feel like No other, the Person i had so much fun with and could Talk about anything, the Woman with the sweetest Smile and the cutest laugh, but also the woman that didnt respect my boundaries and that Kills me. But i Said to her If she would do that its over, she did and didnt regret it. She will regret it one day i am 100% sure but then i will Not comeback. Its a shame what this illness does to people. Now i am left with a co dependency, the thought i can never Trust a Person this much or the words the say due to my Trust getting crushed once more, and the Feeling i can never Invest so much Love in a relationship again, and that i will just get the Same treatment. But still i am not a Bit angry at her funny isnt it.
Last words
To all of you out there who are living through the same shit, u have to think what you really want and what your boundaries are and set them clearly. I wish for u that it not has to end like in my Situation. Feel hugged 🫂! U are great people dont let your self confidence get crushed by them.

TW: childhood neglect and verbal abuse - me remembering so many things after last night's session. I just need to tell someone! I repressed this childhood since I moved out of my parents. It's like I died that day and moved on like a robot.
It is as though the illusion I've kept up for the past 24 years of me being always 'happy' and living a happy childhood just shattered entirely.
I have this diary I wrote in a lot in 2014, which is from exactly 10 years ago when I was 14. I cherished it a lot and sometimes would look into it to remember the old days. However, just last week I looked into it again after several months of being more focussed on my mental health (and especially on my childhood & parents.). This time, I saw something entirely different in this cute colorful happy diary.
All I see now, is how I was suffering. Suffering alone and always walking on eggshells. Nothing was ever good enough. Almost every page I refer to 'future me', the one who will understand me. I didn't get that from my parents. Old me, who will listen to how I am feeling and give me the comfort and soothing I so desperately needed.
I write about how I was completely exhausted from highschool, and then constantly bash myself with extremly self critical words. I have pictures of me in there with apologies for being ugly, and stories of 'how I didn't work hard enough'. Several pages describe forms of catastrophizing over the smallest mundane things.
In some pages, I casually mention a family member I dearly loved dying but then downplay it with something else. It's ups and downs by the sentence "It was my birthday yesterday, I had a great time! I am exhausted and drained and school is horrible. I did get a nice gift. I hope grandma stays alive" etc.
All this time I was happily keeping up this story of how happy I was. How I had such loving parents who where always there for me. They would shower me with gifts they could barely afford.
In my house, there were no rules. There was no bedtime. There was no structure - no breakfast together or chores I had to do. Everyone was jealous of me, because I was so free, but child and teenage me were constantly longing for someone to care.
I would be gone from home as much as I could. The atmosphere was so hectic. One day you'd come home to a happy loving mom who has all the patience and curiousity to hear about my day and my struggles. The other I would walk in and get scolded about how I was nothing. One day she was willing to help me with my feelings and emotions, but in other days she'd scold me for having them! I should be strong because according to mom, she's cyinic, and the world is 'angry and cruel. The world is unfair.' Now get up and don't wallow in your sadness and self-pity.
It's like they would give a gift sometimes, just to then call me ungrateful every day after. According to them I was unthankful, selfish, and my mom said I'd act as if the world revolved only around me. If I'd say "huh, I never said that?! I would never say such a thing?" she said "that is just what you think you are doing. But in reality, you're ruining it for everyone".
Eitherway, after going through the entire diary without skipping a page, I remembered I once made a video of my mom attacking me. I looked it up, and for the first time in 8 years I had the mental energy to watch it. My jaw dropped to the floor. I never even saw someone act so horrible before but it's me going through it....
t's like my world shattered. My mom was treating me absollutely horribly in this video. I don't even remember! You can see her face, and she is so scary! Here eyes look like pure hurt, as if she was throwing her own traumatic upbringing onto me and blaming me for it. She looks at me as if she's completely disgusted by me! The entire rant of hers is a complete mind trip where she downplays everything I say and spins it around as if I was just a burden who tried to make life for my parents worse.
I would never help with chores. Because, if I asked if she needed help, she didn't. I didn't have to do anything in the house but also did not know how to do anything. Then on other days she'd get angry I wasn't doing enough in the house and mention how our life should be about "giving and taking" and I should participate in that.
Now having read all of this, and watching some more video's of these attacks, I remember many things. How my parents would lock me up in the dark cold hallway because I had a "tantrum". They say it 'wasn't that long' but overstimulated and panicked todler me would bawl her eyes out. I felt so abandoned. In my life, alltogether, my strongest feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for everything. I feel shame. I feel ugly when I cry.
I only managed to teach myself how to release emotions in january this year. I never knew. I couldn't cry since years. When I finally managed this year, I'd notice I'd feel so ugly. My cries sound like my mom crying. She'd cry in our house regularly at some point. Really messy, really loud.
Because of constantly being told I wasn't doing enough, or that I didn't care, I wanted to please. I would muster up the courage and shun myself for how difficult and bad it felt to do so. I would ask her "mom, are you okay? Do you need a hug?"
She'd turn around on her desk chair and YELL. Loud. Screaming at me to get out of her face. Just get out of our life. This happened several times. I'd just walk away from the house. I felt so alone and unwanted. I never could do it right. My dad would just avoid my gaze.
Some days I would be begging my mom for a hug. Just for some attention. But she was so overstimulated that she couldn't even give me a touch. I would feel so lost and alone and just go outside and distract myself with imaginary games. I remember because of this, the moments where I would overheat my parents show off to parents of friends of mine how "I was such an easy kid" and how I could entertain myself and be happy for hours. The other parents would be jealous. I wouldn't know why this would make me cry
My life first going to school was just sheer terror. I felt so abandoned. Every time mom dropped me off I'd kling around her leg crying and screaming. Then afterwards, I wouldn't want to go home either. I remember how later in my childhood I still felt guilty for this behavior, because mom must have been so ashamed. I'd hang around teachers and daycare adults all the time. I wanted to hug everyone, because that was what I so desperately wanted.
My dad could never give hugs. Sometimes he'd allow it, but it would feel so distant. If my mom was starting to freak out about me, he'd sometimes intervere and call me to 'it's done now!' and 'go to bed'! No matter the time. I'd lay in my bed, just trying to curl up and feel somewhat comfortable.
In primary school, I would constantly visit friends. It continued in highschool too. I had two music classes and sports, so for four days a week I was settled after school - not having to go home immediately. Home didn't feel safe. It wasn't a constant. Some days there would be dinner at a nicely put dinner table and we'd eat together, some days I'd just eat some bread myself.
Some days mom would just be lying in bed. I found a video, that's why I remember. She would'nt get out until the beginning of the evening. This was in the time she would normally make me some lunch, or ya-know, take care of me. Suddenly I'd have to do everything alone.
I was constantly entertaining myself with imaginary friends at home. I'd play outside until I was 17 or so, alone. My cat was pure innocence and love but when I told my parents he was 'coughing' they didn't want to believe me. They only took him to the vet when it was too late and never apologized or were able to own up for this.
When I was 14 I wrote in my diary I was looking forwards to visit grandma. She's my mom's mom, and I would sometimes spend up to a week there just to be able to relax and be loved unconditionally. My mom would terroize me with her stress and anger and accusations to a point I couldn't focus on school. I wrote how she'd come into my room calling me names and how I couldn't read my homework papers through the tears.
My dad was never really there. He'd choose himself to be out of the house in the morning before mom and I'd be out and then when he was back he wouldn't make it further into the house than his TV chair. My parents would watch TV for hours when I was a kid. If I asked "what are you watching" they'd both go "Shhhh!". If I'd push it futher, the'd send me upstairs.
I feel like I spend so much time just hiding from my parents. Wheter it was upstairs in my bedroom all day, and night, or if it was outside. I now also remember just biking for hours crying hoping someone would stop and console me. I'd make the wrong friends and smoke weed at 16 just to stop the thoughts.
I would visit friends just because their house was calm and safe. I'd get a nice dinner there, and it would be a whole new experience. My parents would always be easily agitated. I am hyper senstive, hyper aware. I get uncomfortable just seeing them being uncomfortable. I remember I could already feel the energy from streets away. Sometimes I knew it would be wrong and I'd just bike somewhere else and go home later.
In one diary entry, I describe how my parents told me to write a letter to my dad's mom for her birthday. I finish the letter, and only then I allowed myself to take a shower and take care of myself. I would rot in bed, and rot in my dirty hair for days, just like mom. On other days she'd be so happy, she'd be re-decorating the entire house, invite me to go rollerskating.
But I also remember how many times my parents threatened to throw me out of the car. I remember how my 'reaction' to whatever they 'gave me' would never suffice. Then I would be the bad guy, for not being thankful.
My parents, they did everything for me. They paid for everythingg. Ya-da Ya-da, but I never had a proper hug from my dad. I don't know why he's even with my mom. I think he's a fun dude, but he's in mental pain. My mom told me way too young how her trauma's affected her. My dad's childhood would always be an excuse that I had to empathize with when I asked mom as a kid "if dad really loved me".
Other memories involve me running upstairs and then one parent following me. I don't remember getting hurt physically, but I remember all my life the pain I can see in their eyes.
If I look at pictures from my teenage years now, I can finally see the depression in my eyes. It took me up until this year to finally understand that having a clean kitchen and bathroom is something you do because you think you are worthy of a clean space. I had to get out of a depressionhole again over the years many times. I now realize the constant self critisism should have been self love. So that I would feel worthy of taking a shower and brushing my teeth.
I now see how what I saw as 'good experiences' are mostly just my parents taking me somewhere to do some activity and it just fits the perfect family picture. I was their only child but we'd celebrate christmas with many, many presents for me. But once my grandparents didn't live anymore, the birthday parties and tradition celebrations weren't hosted anymore by my parents. I wonder for who they truly did it. I was a golden child, but later in life I was just a burden.
I moved out the first chance I got. They didn't stop me. I was barely 17. I got into partying and drug abuse. I would sleep for weeks in bed. Barely ate. Then I would drag myself out of it again and have missed my mom's birthday. I was the one ruining the relationship to them.
I realized last year my parents had not called me for over 7 months. That was the first time I cried since the last time I did as teen. It's always coming from me.
My depression, my axieties and the treatment my parents gave me were never seen. It was never validated until I could finally read my diary with new eyes and watch those videos. I never got professional help but I will look for this now. I am really longing for someone to tell me what I was going through wasn't normal.
I did not remember this until yesterday, BUT, I am so used to being called weak, sensitive, a cry-baby, a bitch, for telling my mom how her verbal abuse made me feel. I feel so weird, how I repressed all of this for so long and the past years I tried so hard to still visit them and give them hugs and they felt good and now it all just feels fake and weird again.
Well yeah, so this is about everything that's been on my mind today. I feel totally weird. It's a tuesday and I couldnd't even work today. I am lost.

I went through BetterHelp, which has its own validity concerns in the common place, late last year as I was/ am dealing with some more prevalent issues regarding depression and anxiety than I have in the past and as I was going through my treatment/ path, my therapist unofficially diagnosed me with high functioning autism. This theory makes a lot of sense to me (as I have outside and inside clothes, 3 monitors with specific tasks assigned to them, I chameleon, aversion to textures, and difficulty with social queues) but my wife questions the validity of this. This lessens my faith in this theory, despite it giving me a sense of understanding and a pathway to finding solutions that may help in the future. I would be the first autistic in our family, despite my brother being tested and only testing positive for ADHD. I have been back and forth on should I get tested or not due to expenses and if it is even worth it at my age (24m). If anyone is a late diagnosis, could you tell me why you got diagnosed and if it has helped?
Bio: raised by single mother, sever anxiety and depression inherited by both parents, history of diagnosed ADHD in the past.
Thank yall!