How to make a downward smile alt

As a brief introduction, I decided to brainstorm a metaphor for how moving on normally looks like for people. I always notice when people create these metaphors, they rarely mention that everyone makes mistakes when moving on, we’re emotional creatures and we do things out of jealousy, anger, spite and sadness that can really hurt us. I wanted to make a metaphor that shows moving on seems like the most difficult task you can go through, but in reality, with some self care and self reflection, you can make the task much, much easier. Feel free to leave any thoughts or different views that could be added in below this post and I hope this can help a few of you guys out!
Imagine you are in a pit, on the side of a cliff. You look up and you can see the summit of the cliff, it seems light years away from you, a truly daunting cliff to climb. In front of you, there are 2 ladders. To the left is your ladder and to the right is your ex’s ladder.
The break up: You have just been broken up with, your ex has sat and thought about this decision for the past weeks or months and has finally followed through with it. You are now alone, at the bottom of this pit, with only a ladder in front of you to help you get back to the summit you were once on. However, you have been broken up with, you are emotional, you don’t even want to look at the summit, looking at the summit is daunting, you know how much work you have to do, but thats hard, you want what is easy, you just want your ex back, you want to them to be in the pit with you and help you, but doing that will leave you both at the bottom, you have to go your separate ways to reach the summit. Your brain will not accept this reality, at least for now.
Pre contemplation of climbing: You’ve wallowed in sadness and despair, you have weeped and cried and all along your ex has been making progress up their ladder, they’ve been doing this before they even broke up with you. For the first time, you look up, you’ve accepted that you need to start climbing and you can’t isolate yourself any longer. However, as your eyes align with the summit, a small figure can be seen on the other ladder, they seem so far away yet you can see them so clearly. You can see them clearly progressing so much quicker than you, they seem happier and to you, this all seems unbelievably unfair. You start to question, how could they leave me here? In this pit all alone, how could someone who said they cared about me just allow me to be here without trying to help? The first emotion you experience? Anger. More anger than you’ve experienced in your life. You can’t fathom why someone would do this to you, so what do you do?
Climbing the ladder (poorly): You race up the ladder, the best way to get over them, would be to catch up to where they are on the ladder quickly, right? I mean, they can’t hurt you if youre in the same position as them. Well, not exactly. You’ll do everything in your power to get up the ladder as fast as humanly possible, you’ll go out and party, you’ll get with other people, you’ll just generally be reckless and its reflected in the way your climbing the ladder. The entire time your climbing, you’re not even looking at each step on the ladder, you’re looking directly at your ex, youre hyper fixated on them. Some days you shoot miles up the ladder, then stump yourself by trying to shout at your ex when you get close to them, your hand slips and you fall back to where you started that day. You’re beginning to lose focus of what matters, you’re putting too much focus on your ex’s progress because you believe if you catch up to them they wont hurt you anymore. They will always hurt you if you’re on the ladder, even if you’re ahead of them. This is an incredibly confusing time, you think to yourself that you should be making progress, when in reality, you’re almost back to the start. The inconsistency is eating away at you, you begin to realise that your new life of empty fulfilment isn’t actually helping you, so what do you do?
Taking time to reflect: You step away from the ladder one day to reconsider your approach. You begin to realise that hating them will get you nowhere, focusing on your own ladder and taking your time with each step will allow you to progress in a way that doesn’t hurt you or cause you to fall. If you haven’t been doing no contact to this point, this is normally where absolute no contact would begin. Behind you in the pit, your memories with them flash up, you look at them one last time and smile knowing the amazing experience you shared with this special person, you turn around, knowing that at one point, you were deeply in love and so were they. Never ever doubt if they were in love with you or not, they wouldn’t have stuck around if they weren’t, they will also always hold some form of love for you, even if it isn’t romantic, you were special to them, just like they were to you. You realise that if they can make it that far up the ladder, so can you. It was tough for them too, they made similar mistakes to you and also fell, but they went through this process, they reflected and they started to climb too. So what do you do?
Climbing the ladder (the correct way): You decide that when climbing the ladder, you’re not going to look up anymore, you’re going to look at every step and you’re going to climb each and every single step one at a time. You’re focused, you’re determined and you’re ready to progress. You take time to reconnect with the things you loved, giving you an extra boost up the ladder. You take time to reconnect with old friends who you may have neglected during the relationship, whilst also forming new connections with new people, giving you an extra boost up the ladder. You do things that fulfil you and make you genuinely proud of yourself boosting your confidence and giving you an extra boost up the ladder. Before you know it, you’re at the summit. You did it! You didn’t even know you were close to the summit, but now, you just get to walk forward on the new path you’ve found to follow. Whether your ex is there on that path or not, you don’t mind, you know that the path your on will lead you somewhere great and you will hope that their path leads them to somewhere similar.
Moving on is never easy, if it was, Taylor Swift wouldn’t be a successful musician, but understanding the fundamentals of moving on and knowing that making mistakes is okay is what leads to true change, true growth and true happiness. If you read all this, thank you! I’m currently going through a break up and writing this has allowed me to remember what helped me move forward in other break ups. The concept of the ladder is simple, I feel as though you can apply many situations to it to somewhat showcase how much progression is being made by you and how your behaviour is affecting your progress. Also just as a side note, if you’re one of the people who want your ex back, just remember that you can’t get them back if you’re on the ladder, you simply cannot reach them whilst you’re on it. If you’re ever going to get them back, they’ll be there waiting at your path on the summit.

Let's start by saying that this is my first (official) relationship ever.
A bit of background:
I've always had trouble socially relating to people; I'm so insecure and afraid of rejection, and I also had strict parents. Throughout the years, I've gained a bit of freedom for myself but it's not enough (I still live my parents).
I've always wanted to get close to people and have friends (I currently have just one) and a relationship, but I'm also afraid that I'm not interesting enough, that I won't know what to talk about, etc. So my strategy has always been to act cold towards people and wait for them to approach me first. If they approach me, it must mean that they have at least some interest in me...
In the past, I often found myself daydreaming about how a loving relationship would look like: he would love me a lot, accept me for who I am, not judge me for my physical little imperfections, have great emotional and physical chemistry, and I would love him back just the same. I know it might sound too perfect, but that's what I know I've always craved.
I have had a very few relationships/situationships where the men just never asked me to be their girlfriend and make things official. I think those "relationships" failed in part because I was so cold towards them even if inside I wanted to kiss or hug them first. I always hoped they asked me to be their girlfriend. Also, I always stayed till the end, until THEY didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
So with my current boyfriend, all things seem different. I met him at a mall. HE approached me first. At first I wasn't really attracted to him physically but he started telling me about his life and his varied life experiences. He seemed interesting. We exchanged numbers. Then we started going out. He's very different from me. He has a different clothing style than mine, he likes urban music, he has tattoos and has 1 piercing.
My very first impression of him was that he looked like the bad-boy type, so I didn't think he was interested in anything serious. But right on the second date, he mentioned he was looking for someone who really cared for him. He said something like: "it's nice to have someone that cares for you, even for the little things and even asks if you ate already, if you slept well, etc." Before that moment, I didn't have high expectations and was probably ready to accept whatever 🤦🏻‍♀️.
As time went by, I started liking more things on him, finding a few things in common. Until he asked me to be his girlfriend after one month of hanging out. I had waited for that moment for so long, and it finally came, but I didn't know how to feel. I felt kind of sad. Even though I knew he and me were looking for a serious relationship, I felt fearful, but I kept going.
We've shared beautiful moments so far. I feel at home, peaceful, respected, and loved when I'm with him. But sometimes I catch myself judging him for small imperfections. I'm physically attracted to him and we have good chemistry there, but I can't help noticing what he does "wrong." When we text, he sometimes writes with bad grammar and I can't help but judge him inside. Sometimes he sends me videos of him dancing happily for me, and I can't help but think "how isn't he afraid of being silly in front of me or even others?" I believe me judging him might stem from the same type of judgment I received when growing up. I just hate it and don't want to be like this. I know no one is perfect and yet my mind is obsessed with perfection.
My BF has had a difficult life and experiences, and yet he smiles all the time, has fun, is free, and has lots of love to give. He even says he loves me, but I don't feel sure to say it back to him. My mind tells me that I'm probably just using him and getting his love while I'm not able to love him back. I feel like a bad person for that. I do care for him. I've cried with him listening to how he feels when sad of bc of past hurtful events. When I look at him, I see someone sincere. I love to have him close, hug him, kiss him, feel his odor, listen to his voice, listen to him singing. Yet I have these other horrible thoughts that I can't let go.
I feel like I wasn't really ready for a relationship as I believed, and that there's a lot of work I need to do on myself, but I don't want to lose him either. I can't decide if I really like him, if I'm obsessed, if I'm dependant or what.
Need some advice on what to do and hear others perspective on this.
Sorry for the long post. I tried to give enough details 😅. Thanks in advance.

I smile and laugh, play, and joke around, but I also cry a lot, especially at night. I feel like a balloon that's been overinflated, ready to burst. I see no hope for the future, no motivation, no confidence, and no self-love. When I try to envision my future, I see myself stuck in the same place.
This started when I was 12, after 6th grade, and worsened at 14. Since I was 11, I've been babysitting my little brothers a lot. I love them and understand why I had to do it—my parents were struggling and working to keep a roof over our heads. It's not their fault, and I don't blame them. But for the past seven years, babysitting has been my daily routine. When my parents were home, they were either resting, spending time with my younger siblings, or doing family activities. Emotionally and mentally, I felt they weren't there for me. I never felt comfortable talking to them about how I felt. And I thought they had bigger worries than me, so I kept everything to myself but there was like three times were I’ve opened up to them . For temporary happiness, I turned to video games, the internet, and my dog. These distractions kept me happy for a while, but over time, they stopped working. I had no friends and stayed home all day. After sixth grade, I did online school for two years, which meant I spent my days playing video games, eating, and staring at screens. Without social interaction, I forgot how to socialize and developed social anxiety, insecurities, self-hatred, and no confidence.
I was isolated for two years, which severely affected me. When I returned to school in 9th grade, I couldn't make friends. I was always quiet, couldn't ask for help in class, and struggled to hold conversations. When someone talked to me, I got dizzy, experienced blurred vision, tunnel vision, and shaking. I kept my head down because I was so insecure about my face and body. Everything I'm typing is how I still feel.
When I was 15, we moved. For two or three months, I didn't go to school, staying in my room all day, watching my younger brothers, sleeping, eating, and browsing the internet. I was socially isolated again. When I finally started school, I met a girl who talked to me first. We became friends, and I felt a bit happier, though still insecure and sad. Eventually, I made three more friends, and we ate lunch together. However, as soon as I got home from school, my parents left for work, and I watched my siblings until late at night. This pattern continued, though they didn't leave as often as they used to. I had some alone time when two of my younger siblings started school, but I still had responsibilities, like picking them up from the bus stop and again watching them until like 10 or 11.
After more moving and struggling, we settled into a nice house, which I'm grateful for. But despite the change in living conditions, I still feel the same—full of self-hate, lacking confidence, feeling hopeless and unmotivated. I'm 17 now, not in school, have no friends, and feel worse than ever. I want to tell my parents, but I fear they won't understand, and nothing will change. No matter how many times my mom tells me to love myself or sends me motivational videos, I feel numb. Deep down, I can't imagine ever loving myself, feeling motivated, or escaping this hopelessness. I believe nothing will ever change. Am I wrong? Are my feelings even valid? Every single day, I deal with crying, fighting, and my name being called constantly. I can't do this anymore—it's overwhelming and exhausting. I'm bed rotting all the time, unable to take care of myself properly. I'm neglecting myself. Basic tasks like brushing my teeth, showering, and cleaning feel useless to me. Why take care of myself when I feel so low?
Don't get me wrong; I have days where I feel better and think I should take care of myself and dog, but those feelings only last a few days at most. Then I go right back to neglecting myself. I still get up to take care of my brothers, make them food, and clean up after them because I have to—otherwise, my mom would be upset, and I just don't want to hear it.
On especially hard days when I'm feeling more down than usual, I reach a point where I just don't care anymore. I won't clean up, though I still make food for my brothers because I would never let them starve. Other than that, I can't find the motivation to do anything else. Is this just me being lazy? Or is it something else? I lack the motivation to just do it. Are my feelings valid? I don't feel like they are. I don't know anymore—I just can't.
I feel so awkward around my parents and barely talk to them, especially about my feelings. It’s just never been that way. Three times, I tried to open up to them, but nothing changed. Instead, I felt like they were invalidating my feelings with comments like, "What do you have to be stressed about?", "When I was your age, I didn’t have anybody," "Growing up was hard; you're lucky," and "Depression isn’t real."
I'm grateful for everything my parents do for me and my siblings, but these comparisons to their past make me feel even worse. It makes me question whether my feelings are valid. Once, I told them I thought I had an eating disorder, and they just looked at each other, shook their heads, and laughed. That was me trying to open up, and it made me feel terrible.
I'm sorry if this seems jumbled; I just have a lot to say. I want to understand what’s going on with me. Are my feelings valid, or am I over-exaggerating, being dramatic, or having a victim complex?
Also I love my parents so much like I just wish things were a bit different and I’m grateful for everything they’ve done for us I really am I don’t want to seem disrespectful but I’m sorry if I’m coming off as disrespectful or ungrateful I don’t know.

Hello,
The reason I’m posting this is really for one reason; to clear up any sort of misinformation and misunderstandings of what the DSVA experience was like, but also to speak on other NATSAP program experiences since so many people here believe that these programs are nothing more than “labor camps” and “punishments for youth”.
Allow me to clear the air a little.
Now, I’m not here to discredit anyone’s negative experience or to say your experience wasn’t traumatic in any way. I’m not here to tell you that you can’t feel the way you feel about these places. My condolences go to the family’s or friends that have lost a loved one because of these programs. May they rest in peace.
I’m here to shed some light on this topic in a perspective, from someone that lived it, that maybe you haven’t considered yet.
Let me start by sharing a lil info about me. My name is Ian. I am 23 years old. Born and raised in Wisconsin later moved to North Carolina where I live today. My life hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. If I were to go into full detail of all the major life events that led me to who I am today, it would probably take me a whole day to share completely the full “trauma” of my “troubled youth”. Nobody likes that guy anyway, so I’ll spare you the bullshit.
Here’s some credibility to the naysayer’s, who I’m sure are gonna ride me up and down for this post.
Lacrosse juvenile detention center (WI): 14-15 years old In and out for weeks-months
New vision wilderness program (WI): 15 years old 3 months
Winnebago mental health institute (WI): 15 years old 1 month
New vision wilderness program (WI): (Yes I went a second time) 15 years old 2 months
Montford Hall residential substance abuse treatment center and therapeutic boarding school for boys (NC): 15-16 years old 6 months (Court ordered for a year, kicked out for being unmanageable)
Second nature/blue ridge wilderness program (GA): 16 years old 1 month
Mission hospital Copestone (NC): 16 years old 2 weeks
Discovery School of Virginia for boys (VA): 16-17 years old 1 year
In total:
1 - juvenile detention center 2 - psych wards 3 - wilderness programs 2 - boarding schools
I wasn’t at home from the age of 15-17 years old. All my birthdays and holidays were spent in some jail cell, institution, or some program somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
Calling ourselves survivors is absurd. There was never any real danger to your life, you and I both know that. (Again, this is directed more towards the people that have either attended some of the same programs/treatments or have attended a place very similar to it.) Especially at DSVA or any wilderness program.
We were fed three times a day with edible food, full portions, even including snacks now and then. We were given clean drinking water. We were able to practice good hygiene, like brushing your teeth twice a day, taking warm showers, given clean towels and clothes that bested the outdoors, even toilet paper to wipe your own ass. Our sleep schedule was better than that of what we have today, at least 8 hours of sleep. I remember having about 10 hours of sleep every single night. And no matter where we laid our head at night, we always had something over us to protect us from the elements. Whether it was a tarp, a tent, or for the lucky ones, a literal roof.
Everything that I have just listed above is every humans basic needs for survival. Something the programs I attended always made sure we had. To call ourselves survivors means we were battling death in order to live. When was there ever a situation at these programs where you were in a life or death scenario? Coming from someone that has hiked in -20 degree blizzards of northern wisconsin and worked in 90 degree humidity in the clay of Virginia, sounds pretty over dramatic buddy.
When I first heard of people calling themselves “survivors” that went to similar programs as me, I had to laugh. It’s such a ridiculous thing to say and I always get second hand embarrassment. I have never once in my life considered myself a “survivor” of these programs because if it wasn’t for ME and MY ACTIONS, I wouldn’t be there in the first place.
The only logical explanation I would accept for anyone here wallowing in their own self-pity is that you didn’t actually work the program. What I mean by that is that you “faked it till you made it” and you put on this smile pretending everything was all good in your world so that nobody called on you when it came time to work on yourself.
To tell you the truth, we used to pick on kids like that in my group. You were perceived as weak by your group mates if you couldn’t talk about the things that hurt you, especially with a bunch of guys that your forced to live with everyday. If you didn’t want to fess up to your issues, we made sure to call a group meeting so you could get that off your chest. Why? Because it’s not about you. It’s about the group, and if one man has a bad day, then the whole group has a bad day. We’re not saying you can’t have a bad day, but we’re not gonna let you slow down the group because of it.
That was group Dakota DSVA 2016-17 right there baby. We were always on top, always eating in the lodge, never had some kid ruining our fun because we didn’t rock with that selfish crap. You want to cry about having to dig out a tree stump with Mr. Outland all day or push wheelbarrows all day? Tough luck kid, we all had to do it at one point or another. Grow a pair and keep your head up.
Most of the kids that complained about everything were the rich kids with daddy’s money who never spent a night outside their bougie gated community. LOL. You know who you are. All mad because their parents wouldn’t let their spoiled kid buy drugs with their money anymore. Sorry you got “gooned” buddy. Each time I showed up to a program I was in shackles and chains, cry harder.
Some people here will probably think what I’ve said so far is insensitive, maybe even harsh, but I ask you, what good does it do you to complain constantly about what happened to you in the past? Have you benefited from whining about what happened to you at these places?
I used to think and react the same way you people did not too long ago. I used to have that victim mentality. I’d walked around crying “woe is me”, but nothing changed. The world kept spinning and I felt like I was left behind in a world that could never understand the mental anguish I received from these “horrible” places.
Turns out I was right, they could never understand. Why? Because they never experienced it, but we did. That makes us stronger in so many ways. I used to feel sad that I never took a cute girl to prom, only to realize that while people were finishing up high school in some boring class, I was going from state to state backpacking and hiking for miles. Living outside for months on end, battling the elements, making amazing friends, reaching new destinations and seeing amazing views. I was doing things that my peers today will probably never get to experience in their lifetime. It gave me a feeling of pride that I still cherish to this day. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
It hurt not being home. I hated my parents for allowing the courts to keep sending me to these places. I refused to write them, but I knew it wasn’t their fault. It was me who put myself in those programs, not the court, not my family, I alone made my life that way, because of my actions. Not being able to be at home with my sister, who grew up without her older brother for 3 years, that broke my heart. When my parents were allowed to visit me it was a special occasion full of celebration, especially when I got to see my little sister again. All my hard work to see my family each time made me feel not just accomplished, but a happiness that I rarely feel today. It reminds me of how grateful I am for my family, and forgiving me for the hell that I put them through in my former years.
I used to think I deserved an apology for what I went through. I’ve taken my accountability, where’s the sympathy for me? I blamed everyone else for what happened to me, and maybe there’s some truth in that, but when I considered how I got to these programs it made me realize how wrong I was. I used to think the reason I was in those programs was because my parents didn’t want to parent me, or that the court system failed me.
Nah, it’s because I was a troubled kid. With a lot of anger and a lot of pain that no ordinary therapist could even begin to scratch the surface of. I needed that tough love that I never got, and if it wasn’t for these programs, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Someone who is happy with what they’ve got.
Anyways, take what you will from all of this. I just wanted to put this out there for the world to see in case somebody sees it and realizes they relate to it. Our past doesn’t have to define us, and it can make us warriors instead of victims. Nobody’s gonna make that decision for you. It’s up to you to create a brighter future.

I'm all messed up over my TA right now
Can't tell if she's super into me or if she's just used me for attention and now that she's got me sucked in and she doesn't want me anymore
We've been flirting all term, sometimes I make her laugh so hard she cries, she always goes way above her station to do favors for me and checks in with me later so I know all the ways she's helped me, and has sometime hinted she wants to do something after class (which I lack the nerve to act on but also fear I'm misinterpreting -- like she'll say "I'm really hangry, I could go for pad Thai" at the end of class). Last week she showed up in our regular class (which she's never done before) to announce ways to connect with our department outside of regular class hours -- only thing is she didn't stand in front of class, which would have made sense, she stood directly across from me and stared at me the whole time, locking eyes with me as she left the room. My lab partner was sick when we actually had lab later that day so she offered to be my partner (saying "unless you don't need any help..." which I quicky said I'd love her help)-- we had a deep life talk and I had a chance to talk about some of the legitimately amazing experiences in my life -- what both of our hopes and dreams are and what each of us are doing in the near future, I also told her about the business I just opened and let her know that yes I am a stable adult with a work history and life plan. I asked her polite questions about what she's doing with her life after college as well as what her personality is like in daily life, and was also being really supportive and sweet to her because she feels really confused about what to do when she finishes her masters program. As the period went on we were both talking sweetly, almost lovey dovey to each other. The other group finished lab that day and wanted to hang out in class (because she's the pretty TA) but she told them there was no reason to hang around, basically rushing them out the door, so that we were alone for like an hour. She started singing really beautifully to me and started being very understanding towards me. She asked if I was a "pacer" when I was getting a little anxious, and I told her "Albert Einstein went on a two hour stroll every night -- whenever I'm doing a dumb thing, I just remember a smart person who did it." Which made her smile.
Then she stood really close to me and swayed side to side, and I just stood there staring at her pretty face as both of us kind of just smiled warmly at each other. We were both being very open with each other and I was about to ask her if she wanted to get food later, but then our professor walked in and both of us got nervous and started rapidly explaining why we were alone together.
She even took off her lab coat and started walking around in what I could only explain as "strutting" like she was giving me permission to check her out. She sat directly over my back pack so when I left I had to tell her I was going to reach under her, which she said "I'm sorry (my name)" in a very sweet and seductive tone of voice to me.
I ended up not going to the department get together the next day because I was so overwhelmed with anxiety at home and woke up so late I would have to rush there to get to it.
I had lab yesterday and the connection still felt like a warm flowing river. She sat across from me and both of us just kind of sat there smiling at each other. I had her laughing and red faced pretty quickly, even in front of the teacher I had giggling. I did start to kind of lose my shit when the professor came in and was asking me about my project with her there, also because my lab partner was still gone. I started inadvertently using the interaction to hint that I don't know what the TA (who I am now totally infatuated with) is really thinking, and worried that she's just torturing me for her own amusement. I decided to leave early that day because I felt weird without my lab partner there. I'd basically just be sitting there not doing anything except pining over the pretty TA. First I left to get a coffee and was pacing in front of the building, having an anxiety rehearsal over working up the courage to ask her to get pizza after class. Funnily enough my professor came out and held the door open for me asking if I'd like to go in and I kind of blew up a little and was like, "OH SHIT I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO GO BACK IN, WELL I GUESS I GOTTA MY STUFF IS STILL IN THERE." As she walked away she smiled at me both knowingly and warmly and told me to have a good rest of my evening.
I went back in to get my stuff but I felt too weird not doing anything as all the other groups around me worked together, so I asked my TA "Is this all we're doing today?" She said "Yeah" and then I gathered up my stuff to leave and she said in kind of a sad tone, "Oh, well I guess if you have stuff to do today." Then I started asking her how many classes we have left like an actual kicked puppy (WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE IN PERSON MEETING DUE TO MEMORIAL DAY) as well as details about our assignments (which she actually started to get firm with me because I was starting to act dumb in front of everyone) before leaving. She said "Bye" really sweetly to me as I walked out and I said "See ya" like a small child that had just been scolded.
At the start of the term she mentioned having a boyfriend to the class (and to a guy that was hitting on her), but she hasn't mentioned him since, and has never once brought him up with me when I basically hit on her the entire class.
GWAAAAH!
I might actually need to go to her office hours for help with my project (like actually legit need help) but other than that the only time I'll see her is when we all give our presentations. I'm afraid I won't have the courage to ask her for pizza or for her number. That the moment will never happen, or that I'll have to weirdly wait until everyone has left to not ask her in front of everyone.

I am a 29 year olds and back in college my friends and I were obsessed with adventure time, bravest warriors and regular show, so I asked my friends if anyone has seen Steven universe, everyone said no, so I said fudge it I will watch it myself.
I have seen pretty mixed reactions on the Internet, but overall I thought it was really good. When the show is cooking it's great, a lot of one off episodes interacting with the characters of beach city that I didn't love. I sorta hoped it would lead to the city coming together to help the crystal gems, but alas that's not what happened.
Overall really enjoyed the show. Garnet is one of my favorite characters and it never failed to make me smile when she got hyped for a new fusion, just something so heart warming and funny about it. In the pantheon of cartoon Network shows I think it needs to be near the top. I love shows that have a consistent/ overarching story. Not very similar at all but BoJack Horseman is my favorite show and I love when things come together to make the universe within the show grow and Steven universe did that very well. Also man Rebecca Sugar knows how to make some great music! Anyway, just wanted to share my 2 cents in case anyone is considering starting the show!

I'm all messed up over my TA right now
Can't tell if she's super into me or if she's just used me for attention and now that she's got me sucked in and she doesn't want me anymore
We've been flirting all term, sometimes I make her laugh so hard she cries, she always goes way above her station to do favors for me and checks in with me later so I know all the ways she's helped me, and has sometime hinted she wants to do something after class (which I lack the nerve to act on but also fear I'm misinterpreting -- like she'll say "I'm really hangry, I could go for pad Thai" at the end of class). Last week she showed up in our regular class (which she's never done before) to announce ways to connect with our department outside of regular class hours -- only thing is she didn't stand in front of class, which would have made sense, she stood directly across from me and stared at me the whole time, locking eyes with me as she left the room. My lab partner was sick when we actually had lab later that day so she offered to be my partner (saying "unless you don't need any help..." which I quicky said I'd love her help)-- we had a deep life talk and I had a chance to talk about some of the legitimately amazing experiences in my life -- what both of our hopes and dreams are and what each of us are doing in the near future, I also told her about the business I just opened and let her know that yes I am a stable adult with a work history and life plan. I asked her polite questions about what she's doing with her life after college as well as what her personality is like in daily life, and was also being really supportive and sweet to her because she feels really confused about what to do when she finishes her masters program. As the period went on we were both talking sweetly, almost lovey dovey to each other. The other group finished lab that day and wanted to hang out in class (because she's the pretty TA) but she told them there was no reason to hang around, basically rushing them out the door, so that we were alone for like an hour. She started singing really beautifully to me and started being very understanding towards me. She asked if I was a "pacer" when I was getting a little anxious, and I told her "Albert Einstein went on a two hour stroll every night -- whenever I'm doing a dumb thing, I just remember a smart person who did it." Which made her smile.
Then she stood really close to me and swayed side to side, and I just stood there staring at her pretty face as both of us kind of just smiled warmly at each other. We were both being very open with each other and I was about to ask her if she wanted to get food later, but then our professor walked in and both of us got nervous and started rapidly explaining why we were alone together.
She even took off her lab coat and started walking around in what I could only explain as "strutting" like she was giving me permission to check her out. She sat directly over my back pack so when I left I had to tell her I was going to reach under her, which she said "I'm sorry (my name)" in a very sweet and seductive tone of voice to me.
I ended up not going to the department get together the next day because I was so overwhelmed with anxiety at home and woke up so late I would have to rush there to get to it.
I had lab yesterday and the connection still felt like a warm flowing river. She sat across from me and both of us just kind of sat there smiling at each other. I had her laughing and red faced pretty quickly, even in front of the teacher I had giggling. I did start to kind of lose my shit when the professor came in and was asking me about my project with her there, also because my lab partner was still gone. I started inadvertently using the interaction to hint that I don't know what the TA (who I am now totally infatuated with) is really thinking, and worried that she's just torturing me for her own amusement. I decided to leave early that day because I felt weird without my lab partner there. I'd basically just be sitting there not doing anything except pining over the pretty TA. First I left to get a coffee and was pacing in front of the building, having an anxiety rehearsal over working up the courage to ask her to get pizza after class. Funnily enough my professor came out and held the door open for me asking if I'd like to go in and I kind of blew up a little and was like, "OH SHIT I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO GO BACK IN, WELL I GUESS I GOTTA MY STUFF IS STILL IN THERE." As she walked away she smiled at me both knowingly and warmly and told me to have a good rest of my evening.
I went back in to get my stuff but I felt too weird not doing anything as all the other groups around me worked together, so I asked my TA "Is this all we're doing today?" She said "Yeah" and then I gathered up my stuff to leave and she said in kind of a sad tone, "Oh, well I guess if you have stuff to do today." Then I started asking her how many classes we have left like an actual kicked puppy (WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE IN PERSON MEETING DUE TO MEMORIAL DAY) as well as details about our assignments (trying to milk the interaction for all it was worth) before leaving. She said "Bye" really sweetly to me as I walked out and I said "See ya" like a small child that had just been scolded.
At the start of the term she mentioned having a boyfriend to the class (and to a guy that was hitting on her), but she hasn't mentioned him since, and has never once brought him up with me when I basically hit on her the entire class.
GWAAAAH!
I might actually need to go to her office hours for help with my project (like actually legit need help) but other than that the only time I'll see her is when we all give our presentations. I'm afraid I won't have the courage to ask her for pizza or for her number. That the moment will never happen, or that I'll have to weirdly wait until everyone has left to not ask her in front of everyone.

The stress of the last six months has nearly killed me. Besides the general cratering of the outside world—political strife, climate change, inflated rents, corporate greed, and the baffling resurgence of crew socks—my internal life was falling apart, too. I'm at the point where I can't see a way out of the darkness, and that feeling has only grown in the last few days.
My struggles ramped up exponentially in the last two weeks. It started when my long-term girlfriend and I called it quits after five years. There was no definitive relationship-altering fight or infidelity. It was simply the boring banality of the "roommate-ification" of our lives together. We both felt the shift but never talked about it. Turns out communication is important.
Truthfully, we'd stayed together for so long because we couldn't afford to live apart. Our rent had nearly doubled the last time we re-upped our lease but even that was a bargain compared to what was out there currently. We were trapped by our need to have a roof over our heads.
My job had stagnated, and I couldn't find anything better. I was stuck. Like me, she'd been job hunting as well. Unlike me, she had a master's, and her prospects should've been higher. They weren't. For five months, she applied to hundreds of jobs and couldn't break through. If she got a rejection email, it was a win. Most of the time, the companies never responded.
Finally, she found a great opportunity at a Fortune 500 company. It was an involved process. She nailed the five interviews, and her "test project" was well received. She was offered the position, and it came with a massive pay increase—double her current salary. I was proud of her—she needed a win. We celebrated with pizza and beer that night.
Two days later, she dropped the bomb that she was breaking things off. The relationship ending wasn't a surprise. The timing was. The discussion was brief, and there was zero chance of reconciliation. She declined when I asked if she could stay until the lease ended. Mentally, it would've been too much for her. Two days after that, she moved out, taking half the rent with her. I was stuck in a lease I couldn't afford on my salary for the next six months.
My free time evaporated as I took on two extra gigs to help make ends meet. In addition to my office nine to five, I drove for a delivery app on the weekends and took a part-time night job stocking shelves at a local grocery store. When I wasn't hustling for housing, I slept or ate. I did nothing beyond that. Nothing brings me joy. There is no spark.
This drudgery has become my daily routine, and it's killing me.
To help cover some cost gaps, I've started selling off some of my stuff online. It was just me here, and I decided that the Spartan lifestyle would have to work for now. Anything I could fetch a decent amount for went up for sale. My apartment is so empty now every noise causes an echo.
Before my shift at the grocery store, I agreed to meet someone who wanted to take a look at my kitchen table. It was a lovely table – my ex had obsessed over it – but I didn't see a need at the moment. Now that I was a bachelor, my TV trays became my default kitchen tables anyway. I wasn't planning on any dinner parties in the future anyway.
A couple showed up later than they said they would. It was a bored-looking guy and a fastidious young woman. She made friendly small talk as she looked over the table. Her boyfriend (I think) stayed quiet and played bodyguard. I gave him a friendly nod at one point, and he just looked away. She said they'd take it without trying to talk me down. I took the small win.
She asked if I could help carry it down to their truck. I was running late, but feeling helpful, even for a fleeting few seconds, was worth it. Her silent boyfriend and I hauled the table through the hallway and even managed to avoid hitting the walls the entire way down.
I placed it in their truck, got my money, and turned to leave. The girl said thanks, and the boyfriend finally returned the nod. I gave a weird half-wave to them both and started to walk away when I heard the passenger window being rolled down.
"Hey man," the boyfriend said, his voice higher pitched than I thought it would. "What was up with your brother giving us the evil eye in the lobby when we got here?"
I turned around, "Huh? I don't have a brother."
"A cousin then?"
"My family lives about a thousand miles away. What happened in the lobby?"
"A dude that looked just like you was hiding in a dark hallway in the lobby and staring at my girl's ass."
"Jacob, really," she said.
"I'm sorry that happened, but I had nothing to do with it. We do have the occasional homeless guy meander in. Maybe you saw one of them," I said. "Did he say or do anything bad?"
"Jacob, I asked you to not say something," the girl said, burying her head in her hands.
Jacob's frosty attitude to me made sense now. "He said something about running up that ass. I dunno, he was mumbling. I told him I'd beat his ass if he didn't stop staring. Seemed to shut him up."
"Oh. Well, congrats," I said. "I'll tell the manager. Thanks for letting me know."
"You should do a better job keeping jokers like that out of the building."
"Jacob, he's not a security guard."
"He should still be a man and protect his home."
"Have a good night," I said, ending the conversation and heading back up to my apartment. I had about five minutes to change and head out before I'd be late. Last thing my ego needed was to be fired from my backup job.
Thankfully, I was able to slip into work and not get spotted by my boss. That was the last of the good news, though. We had a massive weekly order come in, which meant I'd be there late, plus someone had called out. Worse, our hand truck had a flat tire, and I spent the next few hours torturing my muscles, schlepping heavy boxes around the store. I soldiered on, counting down the minutes until I left and fantasizing about going to bed for the night.
If wishing for sleep wasn't a sad statement to my mental well-being, nothing was.
I came home after my shift at the grocery store and plopped down on the couch. I had contemplated selling it, but it was an older Ikea number, and I didn't think the value would replace my desire to sit. I could feel my body sink into the cushions, and the day's tension seep out. I was beat and tired to the point that turning on the TV was a chore.
I picked up my phone and thought I'd doomscroll until sleep overtook me. I didn't expect it to be a long scroll, as even the methadone that is my phone has failed me lately. As I lowered myself from a slumped position to a supine one, I heard footsteps outside my apartment door. This was not unusual, but the noise I heard sounded like kid footsteps. That was unusual, as nobody on our floor had kids, and it was almost midnight.
Despite my body screaming at me to not move, my brain suggested I check it out. I rolled myself off the couch and eventually stood up. I listened again and heard the kid running down the hallway. I walked over to my door and looked out the peephole. I didn't see anyone.
"Maybe I'm dreaming," I said to myself. "Maybe I'm not staring out a peephole, expecting to see a kid running down the hall at midnight, but instead, I'm cuddled up in my bed, snoozing." I pinched my arm and felt the pain. I was definitely in the waking world.
I turned to head back to the couch when I heard the running again, this time louder. I opened my door and peeked out into the hallway. Nobody was there. The door from the apartment across me opened up, too. Gloria, a young at heart grandma who was friendly/constantly buzzed in a wine mom kind of way, gave me a once over.
"You heard that, too?" she asked.
"Kids?"
"No rugrats around. I assumed it was some drunk assholes stumbling home from the bar."
I laughed. Gloria was, as always, blunt. "I didn't see any assholes," I said.
"Then you're not watching the right kind of internet videos," she said with a wink and a hoarse cackle.
I blushed. How do you respond to that? I just kind of nodded in agreement and shrugged.
"Gotta get your jollies while you can," she said before adding, "You need some rest, dear. You look like hammered shit." She shut her door and went back inside.
She was right. I felt like hammered shit. Since I wasn't going to solve the case of the mysterious runner and was sure it wasn't some lost kid, I decided to call it a night. I went back inside, shut down the apartment, and crawled into bed.
I thought about watching one of the "right kind of internet videos" but fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
***
"Your problem is you think the world owes you something."
John, my elderly coworker at the grocery store, was standing by while I unloaded a pallet of cereal. I liked John, and when I first started, we instantly clicked. He's quick with a joke and fun to talk to. He's also about thirty years older than me and speaks with the Boomer combination of accumulated wisdom, backhanded compliments, and fringe conspiracy nonsense. Still, regardless of how couched the kindness is in gobbledygook, he's usually coming from a good place.
"What?" I said, putting a box of Captain Crunch on the shelf.
"You're complaining about your situation, right? Saying it ain't fair. The world took a paddle to your hind quarters? Hey brother, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Gotta just pick yourself up and start over. You're smart enough – figured this job out right quick – you can do it."
The job was wheeling pallets around the store and stocking shelves. It wasn't much to figure out, but I understood his meaning. The other stuff wasn't necessary, though. "I'm just in a funk. I don't see a way forward."
"Hey, so you've bottomed out. No shame in that. Happens to us all. Silver lining, you can only go up," he said before adding, "Unless some other bad shit happens to you like your car dies or your apartment building burns down. But after that, it's only up."
"The apartment building burning down would be a blessing," I said, hoisting another little Captain on the shelf. "The rent is killing me."
"Have you tried negotiating a lower rent? They used to do that when I was your age."
"I think they'd evict me if I even asked."
"Hell, then you'd have at least thirty days, maybe forty, before they'd kick you out. Plenty of time to turn things around."
"Uh-huh," I said, "Any chance you could give me a hand here?"
"My back is screaming like a pretty young thing after prom," he said, holding his back for emphasis.
I didn't push. "Hey, I meant to tell you about some weird shit that happened the other night."
"Lay it on me. I love the strange."
"So, after my shift the other day, I got home around midnight and was flopped on the couch. I heard someone running down the hallway outside my apartment. I wasn't the only one. A few other neighbors heard it, too. When we checked, though, nobody was there."
"That ain't strange," John said, waving his hand, "that's a man who's plowing another man's wife running for his life."
I laughed. "That's not the weird part. So, for the next two nights, it's the same thing. Around midnight, someone runs down the hallway. Only this time, they're trying the door handles as they pass. So, I asked the front desk to check the security cameras, and they do."
"They see a man running away holding his clothes?"
"There wasn't anyone running down the hall," I said, "But the weird thing was, you could see the door handles turning on the video."
"Damn, that's a good one," John said, "You sure it wasn't just a camera glitch. These new ones from overseas aren't as reliable as they want you to think. Chinese probably using them to spy on you, too."
He continued as my brain tried to reconcile John's two opposing comments. "Weird shit happens at night, man. Before working here, I only worked the day shift. Even when they offered me more money to work nights, I turned it down. Even when they promised me a promotion, I turned them down."
In a previous life, John had worked as a paramedic. He came by it after serving in a medical unit in the army. He'd told me he loved the rush of the job, but after a while, the death and hurt in people's eyes got to be too much to handle. But he worked there for almost twenty years. So, the man had a tolerance for shenanigans and odd occurrences.
"Why'd you agree to work nights here?"
"Shit, we're home before the witching hour. This is like late afternoons, at best. But if it was overnights, hell no. Captain Crunch can anchor his own ship to the shelves. I'd take my ass to 7-11 for a day shift before agreeing to work an overnight."
"Something happen to you during the army?”
“I got the clap,” he offered.
I sighed. “What turned you off nights?"
"Oh. I heard enough stories from coworkers to know I didn't want to experience any of that hoo-doo shit," he said, "trying to save someone's life is hard enough without adding in demon kids and ghosts."
"Did your coworkers see demon kids?" I asked, moving on from the good Captain to the Trix rabbit.
He nodded, "They saw too much. I find it odd, even with all the surveillance we have now and all the science we know about these days, that the night still scares us. You ever know someone who worked a night shift?"
I had. My ex. During college, she worked the overnight desk at a hotel for a while. She quit because the job gave her bad vibes. I told John as much.
He pointed and laughed, "See! Don't you find it odd that every person who works at night always has a story of something eerie happening to them? Every person, buster. That's what they call an irrefutable fact."
"Maybe the ghost running down the hallway is an old employee still doing his rounds."
"In that case, keep that door double locked. I'd even wedge a towel under the door just in case."
"Maybe they're friendly? Casper-like in that way."
"You ever heard someone tell you about a friendly ghost outside the funny papers?"
"I'm sure it happens," I said, "The scary ghosts are more popular though."
“We think we know everything there is to know but we are just babes in the woods when it comes to night things.” John shook his head. "Imma tell you one or three things that happened to a guy I worked with back when I first got hired on to chase after corpses in the ambo. Guy's name was Gil. Quiet man, kept to himself. Didn't rock the boat or demand a bigger paddle. Just rowed with us. Good cat to learn under," John said, finally handing me a cereal box.
I took it, and he kept going, "Now, Gil, ya see, he had a little wifey that would pester him about working days. She was a cop and worked evenings at that time, so they never saw each other. When married people can't align their genitals every now and then, it spells doom."
"A little too much information but sure," I said, shelving another box of Trix.
"Probably part of what happened with you and yours," he said. He wasn't wrong, but that didn't mean I wanted to hear it.
John kept on, "Gil finally got approved to move to nights. Little pay boost and a happy, 'fulfilled' wife should've made that man happy. But it didn't. I saw him a few months later, and he had changed. He might've been quiet when he was working with me, but he'd talk to you if you engaged. When I saw him that time, though, oh boy. He looked sick."
"Wasn't a fan of working nights?"
"Wasn't a fan of living anymore is the feeling I got," John said, "After some prodding, he got to talking with me some. Told me he missed days because the nights were messing with him. I thought it had to do with the schedule change, but that wasn't the case. He said he saw things in the dark he couldn't explain. Things that would turn James Brown into James White, ya dig?"
"I...dig," I said.
"Told me they got a call to an abandoned apartment building one night, around three in the morning. Wasn't unusual. Old buildings in the city are where hop-heads congregate and share drugs. Sometimes, the drugs are too much. Sometimes, they find a person passed out or, worse, dead. When you work in the ambo, you aren't scared of death like a civilian. You've been around it. Probably seen a few folks take their last breaths. It doesn't bother you the way Mother Nature intended it should."
He handed me another box, continuing his assist streak, and kept going, "Ambo pulled up, Gil stepped out and looked for someone to talk to. Nobody there, though. Not uncommon. Some people want to help but not be involved. There's not a soul around. He calls out, but nothing comes back. Tells me he turns to get back in the ambulance when he hears a scream from inside the run-down building. They're calling for help. He's gotta go in the abandoned building in the dark."
"No thanks," I said.
"But it don't bother a medic like that. Gil's done a million of these calls. No big deal. He runs into that building but doesn't come back out until twenty minutes later. Just goes missing. After five, the crew heads in to back him up but can't find him. Gil tells me his crew called the cops. It was like he had vanished."
"What happened?"
"I asked him and he got real quiet. Said he fell into some place that looked like here but wasn't here. Said he felt their eyes on him. Judging him. Told me they followed him home and wouldn't leave him be."
"Who?"
John shrugged, "He didn't say. Shut down after that and left. Just walked past me like I was shit on the sidewalk. He quit about a week later. Heard he had a stroke a year later and was a tombstone owner three months after that. Good guy, though."
"Your aversion to overnights makes a little more sense."
"Never in a million years. You don't want something like that coming after you."
"In my case, could it get much worse?" I said with a half-smile.
"Man, I wouldn't even joke about that," he said, making the sign of the cross, "You don't want that shit attachin' itself to you. With your luck, you'd bring him in here, and it'd hop over to me. I can't have a ghost crimping my style."
After a bit, he got called away to sign off on a delivery. I finished out my shift and headed out to the parking lot. When I exited the building and spotted my car, I froze. My doors were all open, and the interior lights were on. Someone had broken in.
I glanced around the lot to see if the thief was still around, but there wasn't another person near me. I walked over to the car and peered inside. My glovebox had been ripped open, and my registration was pulled out, but nothing else was missing.
I found little hand prints in the dirt all along the body and the windows. I held mine up for comparison, and they were about half the size. It must've been some tweens or teens who did this. Maybe they were going to steal some things and got cold feet. I contemplated calling the cops, but since nothing had happened and they wouldn't do anything anyway, there was no reason to delay sleep any longer than I had to. I closed all the doors and climbed inside.
I started the car and heard something rattling in the AC vents. I pulled out my phone and shined the light at the vent. There was a small piece of paper inside. I looked around my car for some tool to pull it out and only found an ink pen and a bent-up paperclip. After McGuyvering the vent for a bit, the paper finally came out.
I held it up and unfolded it. There was a handwritten note. It simply read, "I know you're here. I know you're hiding him. I will find you both, and then it'll be your turn to run the race. We all have to run at some point."
I had no idea what that meant, but my body still provided goosebumps. Who was trying to find me? Who was the second person? Why leave a note in my AC vent? What the hell did run the race mean? I hadn't run a race since elementary school and wasn't planning to do so any time soon. Did they mean the rat race? Because I was basically marathoning that motherfucker already.
"Jesus Christ," I said, shaking my head. "What else, universe?"
As if it were a well-practiced comedy routine, the universe responded. My back passenger door swung open, and I heard footsteps running away from my car. I sprung up and scrambled to get out. There wasn't anyone else in the lot that I could see, but very clearly, someone had been hiding in my backseat.
My nerves were shot already, and this was not something I wanted to deal with at the moment. My brain decided that to avoid a breakdown, I needed to shift into automatic mode and just get back to the safety of my apartment. I'd be more prepared to deal with this – whatever it was – in the morning.
Either that or I'd jump in front of a bus. Both sounded satisfying, albeit in different ways.
***
"There he is," Gloria said as soon as I turned down the hallway. I looked up and noticed a small cabal of my neighbors standing in a semi-circle, waiting for me. They all look displeased.
"Hey guys," I said, confused. "I miss an invite for a block party?"
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
"About?"
"Don't play dumb," another neighbor said, jabbing their finger in my direction.
"I'm not playing," I said, realizing the self-burn only after the words escaped my lips.
Gloria showed me the screen on her phone. It was a static shot of her door from across the hall. She pressed play, and nothing happened for a beat until something darted across the screen. That was the whole thing. I looked up at her, my face twisted up in confusion.
"Well," she said, "What do you have to say?"
"What was that?" I asked.
"That was you!" the pointing neighbor said, pointing harder than I thought possible.
"What?" I said, laughing. "Are you all serious?" They didn't laugh, and I realized they weren't joking. "How can you even tell it's me? It's a blur. Never mind the fact I've been at work for the last five hours. Plus, this blur is half my size. I get we're all weirded out about the Phantom Runner, but it's not me. I swear to God. I don't even have the energy to think about running, let alone the physical desire to."
"Then explain this," Gloria said, slightly swaying from the half bottle of Pinot Noir coursing through her blood. She rewound the video and froze it on a specific frame. I couldn't believe my eyes, but I was looking at...me. Or, rather, something pretending to be me.
"What the fuck?" I said, my jaw dropping.
"Still think we're lying?" the pointer said smugly.
"No, but, guys, this isn't me. I... I've been at work. Wanna see my schedule?"
I reached into my phone and pulled it out. There was an email with my work schedule that confirmed what I was saying. They relaxed, and, for the first time, anger gave way to fear. Their very plausible explanation was suddenly invalid. It left two implausible answers floating in the ether: either I had a pint-sized doppelganger terrorizing the hallways of my apartment, or a ghost was haunting the building.
"I'm...gonna go inside," the pointer said, walking back to their home. Everyone else drifted away until it was just Gloria and I standing alone in the hallway.
She looked at me and sighed, "I feel like an asshole," she said. "Sorry I accused you of causing the racket."
"If I had seen the video, I would've thought the same thing," I said. "We're good."
"What do you think it is?" she asked.
I shrugged and let out an exhausted sigh. "Honestly, Gloria, I've had a screwed-up night already, and this is the cherry on top of the shit sundae; forgive my language. I don't have the mental bandwidth to even comprehend what's on the video at the moment."
"Think it's after you?" she asked, though I suspected the wine had forced her to put that idea out into the universe. As I had already seen, the universe seemed to take requests on my behalf.
"Maybe it's after you?" I said, coming off a little meaner than I intended, but I didn't care. I left her there to contemplate that scenario and went into my apartment.
As soon as the door shut behind me, I felt on edge. Just because I didn't have the mental bandwidth to discuss the doppelganger didn't mean it wasn't dominating my thoughts. I saw the frame of the video. The damn ghost looked exactly like me. What could that possibly mean? I know I had wished for death, but I was very still alive. I had rent due to prove that.
Did I happen to live in a place haunted by a ghost that looked strikingly like me? Was it some kid with a passing resemblance just causing chaos? Was it something else I couldn't even comprehend – an alien? A clone? A secret government project?
There was a thumping coming from the hallway. The mini Usain Bolt was at it again. I knew the neighbors would ignore it. Since they had all thought it was me, which was proven to be untrue, they would avoid the running man from now on. While curious and confused by the creature, they'd never put themselves in harm's way to discover what it was. They were not a brave lot.
Neither was I, but maybe my life crumbling around me had forced my hand. I walked over to my door and swung it open. I hit record on my phone, stuck it out like a periscope, and glanced around the hallway. Nobody was there. No neighbors were looking. No person was running.
"You gotta stop, man. I need to go to sleep," I said to the empty space. No response, not that I was expecting one.
I turned to walk back in, and I caught something out of the corner of my eye. A face at the end of the hallway peeked around the corner. For a quick second, we locked eyes, and it was like I was looking into a mirror. This thing was me. But...how?
I tried to get it on video, but it ducked back into the shadows. I took that as a cue to shut and lock my door. My heart was racing, and I didn't want to think about this anymore, but I couldn't help it. There was a me in the hallway who enjoyed pestering my neighbors. Worse, they liked to run for some ungodly reason.
I put my phone on the counter, the video still rolling, when there was a knock at my door. It echoed in my near-empty apartment. I tried to ignore it and convince myself it was something else, but it wasn't. The ghost was knocking on my door. Even with my brain paralyzed, I couldn't help but think that it was awfully polite to knock.
Another knock, this one more forceful. I wondered if the neighbors thought I was making this up?
"I know you're in there," a voice said. It sounded just like me. "This is about the race. We all have to run the race. It's your turn now."
I froze. My legs went wobbly like a boxer on the brink of a blackout, but I stayed tall. I opened my mouth to speak and found the words dying in my throat. I grabbed a nearby bottle of water and took a chug.
"We all have to run the race."
"What race?" I choked out, "What are you talking about?"
"Open up. They're in there already, and I need to get them."
I glanced all around my empty apartment. I didn't see anyone else in here. I didn't hear anything. Whatever this thing was, it was lying. I grabbed my phone and held it in my hand. I wanted to document this to prove that I wasn't crazy.
“Did you leave the note?”
“I know they’re in there with you,” it repeated.
"There's no one in here," I said.
"They're hiding. I think I know where. I can hear them."
"You've gotta get out of here," I said. "There's nothing here, and you're scaring people."
"I'm scared, and you should be! You have to run the race, man! Open up, and I can show you."
The handle started to shake. I peered through the keyhole and only saw the top of the other me's head. They began to shoulder the door, and it crunched against my nose. I screamed out in pain and stumbled back. I tripped over my feet and landed hard on my ass.
The thing slammed into the door two more times, shaking the walls. The strength seemed unnatural. On the third hit, the door burst open. I finally got a view of the thing. It was me. Scaled down by half, but it was me. We both seemed shocked.
"You're so much taller up close," the other me said.
"Who the fuck are you?"
I felt a buzzing in my feet that seemed to climb up my body until it reached my brain. There was an intense pain that rippled through the folds of my mind. Through the pain, I could hear a disembodied voice whisper, "We all must run the race. We all have to run. Chase it. Chase yourself." It felt like my skull was going to split in two. I clutched the sides of my head and let out a primal scream that hurt my own ears.
Then it was gone. But I could still feel the echoes in my mind. "We all have to run the race. We all have to run." The thought would waver between making no sense and making complete sense. One second, I was questioning what was happening to my mind, and the next, all I felt was the desire to continue the race.
"There he is!" the other me yelled, pointing at the hallway.
I glanced over and saw another version of me standing in the hallway. It was half the size of the other me that had broken into my place. When tiny me locked eyes with my intruder, he ran for the open hallway closet.
The other me followed, screaming that it would catch the little bastard if it was the last thing he'd do. I pushed myself up to my feet and felt queasy. I watched as the other me ran head-first into the closet without slowing. I expected to hear a loud thump as it hit the back wall but none came.
"We all have to run the race," the voice in my head said, soothing my nerves. "It's your time to run the race."
I moved down the hallway, each footfall echoing loudly in the empty apartment, each step bringing me closer to the closet door. Something was drawing me there. The voice's words echoed in my mind as well: "We all have to run the race. It's your turn now."
I grabbed the door and stopped. Something was compelling me to move forward. To go into the closet. To chase myself. To run the race.
"No," I whispered and yanked my hand from the door. I pulled out my still recording phone, and stared into the camera. My face was devoid of color, and you could see the fear etched into me. "I'm freaking out because...because…"
I stopped. I felt an invisible hand grab my body and tug. "Because...because if I don't run the race, something bad will happen. I have to chase it. I...I have to."
My phone dropped from my hand, and I didn’t care. The force pulling me forward stopped but my body kept going. I could feel the last strands of my rational mind splintering. My thoughts became focused on one thing: I had to catch myself, find out what was happening, and run the race. If I ran, maybe I'd win.
I needed a win.
I walked into the back of the closet and felt a door handle sticking out of the wall. I'd been in that closet a million times before and never had seen this. But a sense of calm washed over me. This….this was supposed to be here. This was perfectly fine.
I turned the handle and pulled open the invisible door. In front of me was a hallway that looked strikingly like the one outside my apartment. At the end of the hallway, I saw Gloria step out of their home to leave for the night. She was huge. Twice my size, easy.
Another door opened, and I saw...me—a giant version of me. The Hulk version of me was getting ready to go to the grocery store for work. I watched as the giant Gloria and giant me joked and laughed. I was stunned.
I stared, and a new thought came to me. I have to find the smaller me and talk to it. I needed to find out if there's a way out of this...this….
"It's your turn to run," the voice said.
Calm embraced me. "It's my turn to run," I repeated. As the giant me took off and the giant Gloria re-entered her apartment, the hallway beckoned.
"We all have to run the race," I said softly, "It's my turn now."
I started running.

It seems before the pandemic I had no trouble impressing women with my music, even drawing some tears (we gotta show off our medals) and they would often still hang out with me after we might date and ask me about any songs that I wrote about them. I thought it was kinda selfish, wanting to be around me just because I could adore them with my talent, but then again I biologically am attracted to women who are also genetically gifted so to me, I take it as a blessing that I could have attracted friends and romance just because I was born a certain way.
But today that sentiment seems to be all but gone- I would bring my ukulele on a bus and sing pre-pandemic and everyone would be hollering and clapping along, feeling as if they were in a real-life tik tok or something, often phones would come out. Even busking I would encounter phones coming out at least once every time I did, and could expect an average of 40$ an hour and plenty of praise. Nowadays? 15 dollars, tops, and while people were eager to give before and often apologized they had no money, 100% of my givers are right-lipped and seem reluctant. I play on the bus now and nobody says a word, not even looking at me and smiling. For an experiment yesterday, I told a girl I was sitting next to that I just was wanting to practice and set a musical ambience and started to play the ukulele and she left almost immediately.
So ladies, would you be impressed by a good street performer or even open mic player who hasn’t figured out how to make it professionally yet, or perhaps never will even but still is passionate? And I mean, with music that personally moves you, and you could see it moving a lot of people personally if there was good collaboration for, say the arrangement. Is music appreciated as a passion even if it might not make full-time money? I think the average male doesn’t have enough money to live independently in the US if I am not mistaken so let’s just say for this scenario, the wage is “average”.

I'm not a very serious person, but when the time comes for seriousness, I literally can't. Sometimes people say things during serious conversations that make me smirk or even laugh, and it's even worse when I try to prevent the laugh because it makes it twice as funny to me. I see other people control themselves, maybe smile for a brief second, but I don't know what to think of or what to do to keep a straight face. Imagine having a serious conversation, we're talking level 10 importance, and they say some dumb s***. I want to be able to keep a straight face even though I may think it's funny. But How?

I 22f am having these feelings for my co worker 34f and idk what to do She’s in charge of me and a higher rank then me (we’re in the military) I grew up very religious and have been suppressing emotions She’s kinda like me , we listen to the same music and have the same humour I love to make her laugh and I think she’s got the most beautiful smile in the whole world She loves to hang out with me and me alone, it makes me feel special and I pathetically wait around for her to text me to hang out She tells me that her and I are the same person I like to be near her but she gets weirded out by it because she’s horribly homophobic And I am perfectly aware that this reflects terribly on me I know this But I’ll go along with it and agree even though it really twists my stomach up And its not like I can legally go anywhere (military) I know from reading this you probably think I’m a terrible person I cannot help how I feel, I always try to bury it It will take me to hell I am sorry that all of this is very offensive

To anyone who is depressed or feeling suicidal, dont go there PLEASE...
I got this account banned for making a post trying to help, and after taking a good look at all the reddit i realised how much of a downwards spiral it puts u into, there is way to manny negative posts and replies being not only made but upvoted and postive stuff of any kind either ignored or banned.
For context, i was once suicidal, not only that but i actually did it, which is why im trying to help, and it infuriates me that suicidewatch just makes ppl worse while those ppl think the oposite (ik cuz i was there)
Not ppl who post/reply fault, they are just depressed/suicidal but they all keeping each other down, and getting even worse, the fault is mods who keep everything slightly postive or helpfull out
Im 100% healthy now, and i rly wanted to share my experience there and what helped me, positive stuff and things i learned as someone who actually been trough that stuff...
Btw yeah its a throwaway acc, dont want this sort of thing on my main, too personal.

Hi! I feel like a lot of the discourse about people not liking this season is in part due to people not really understanding what friends to lovers is, specifically the trope as it applies to Colin and Penelope, so I thought I might share my thoughts :)
Now I haven’t read the books - this is all based on what I gleaned from the show on multiple rewatches and as someone who has been the Penelope in a friendship for a longggg long time. Hopefully this makes sense.
Romance tropes can often boiled down to their immediate, basic truths. The popular enemies to lovers, for example: Enemy 1 + Enemy 2 + sexual tension = Lover 1 and Lover 2. Not to say enemies to lovers can’t be complex, but generally the starting point for enemies is an essential lack of trust between the parties and moments of connection (via fights) fueled by intense feelings of hatred/rage/whatever which can, in turn, translate to sexual tension. Due to the lack of trust, when they do get together it’s an explosion of that intense energy, highlighted even more-so by the knowledge that they don’t truly trust each other but they need each other which makes the heart race all the more and the passion all that more explosive.
Let’s look at Kate and Anthony as this trope. When they meet there is an immediate spark, fueled by a race in which they’re in competition. Once she hears him at the ball she decides she will do everything in her power to stop him from marrying her sister, and since he is determined to marry Edwina every interaction they have from that point on, until they have their happily ever after in the last episode, can be considered a fight. Moments like the bane of my existence and you vex me are such high intensity because it’s two people fueled by anger and sexual/romantic tension. They need each other like air but will do everything to fight it because of the anger, making the onscreen affections super intense for the viewer (especially as viewers who have just been introduced to Kate and are getting to know her through the lens of Anthony).
Now friends to lovers is, if I may say, quite a bit more complicated. A basic boiled down is Friend 1 + Friend 2 + romance/sexual tension = Lovers. But all friendships are different - if you’re new friends your pipeline to lovers is likely entirely different than old friends to lovers. If one party is in love with the other that changes the dynamic entirely; are they long distance or close? Were they childhood friends? Are they both likeable and popular or is one more nerdy and quiet or both? Do they know each other’s families? Are they best friends or just friends? All of these and more create new dynamics and emotions that can lead to love in different ways. My point is that friends to lovers is not as easy to pin down as something like enemies to lovers. So that’s why a couple like Polin may seem like they don’t have as much chemistry on screen - because their intensity shines in a different way than what we’re used to in Bridgerton.
Going into season three we know that Penelope has been in love with Colin for a long time, but during that time the two also formed a close friendship. When Colin proposed to Marina, yes Penelope whistledowned about the pregnancy to stop him from marrying her for love reasons, but also because he is her friend and she didn’t want to see him trapped in a loveless marriage. We also know that when Colin traveled between seasons one and two Penelope most often responded to his letters. Even during a scene in season two Pen specifically asks to hear more about his travels, even though everyone else in Colin’s life had asked him to stop talking about it. Pen’s crush and friendship don’t cancel each other out, they exist side by side as two parts of Penelope that often overlap but are most importantly separate entities. And she knows that.
Colin does not. In season three when Colin is talking about when they first met, Penelope looks away with anxiety when Colin suggests he knows why Penelope was so forward in making fun of him for falling off his horse and starting their friendship. She knows it’s because she had a crush on him. He states that it was because they were kids. This means it’s canon that Penelope had a crush on him since the moment they met. As a result, Colin has never experienced a friendship with Pen that doesn’t also have an underlying crush. He doesn’t know that Pen doesn’t respond to everyone’s letters all the time, or hangs onto their every word, or goes out of her way to talk to them. How Pen acts around him is how he assumes she acts around everyone - that’s why he doesn’t pick up on her crush.
It’s also why, I argue, he doesn’t realize that he loves her until the kiss in season three. He truly and genuinely takes her affections, her friendship, for granted because he doesn’t understand that someone so loyal and loving like that is rare. He doesn’t appear to have much else in the way of friends; outside of his family we don’t really see him interact with other men, and in season three the “friends” he does spend time with make comments to suggest they only started hanging out with him after his personality change to be more like his brothers - a rake who doesn’t care much for real affections. It’s why he said he would never court Penelope Featherington, or why he said “You are Pen, you do not count” when asked why he was still talking to her if he swore off women. He was super young when his dad died, so the only male role models he has for what love means are Anthony and Benedict. So, as he understands it, a man courting a woman is about sleeping around until the man finds a suitable match that pleases the family regardless of the man’s happiness. Even though he saw that Anthony fell in love by the time Colin said he would never court Pen, he didn’t see Anthony’s journey to understanding that love is not something to run from but something to cherish like we, the viewers, did. Anthony’s arc was just background noise for Colin, so it wasn’t like that would change his outlook on what Anthony’s actions in season one and beginning of season two loudly called out: choosing love over meaningless sex is idiotic and weak. It is explained in a letter that the reason Colin decided to try being like his brothers is BECAUSE Penelope stopped responding to him during his travels between seasons two and three. He decided to start guarding his heart, throwing on the rakish armor we see him dawn in the first half of season three, because he didn’t have that relationship that made him feel stable and loved anymore.
This is why Colin is genuinely distressed when Penelope walks away from him at the garden party in the first episode of season three, and why he went after her to explain that he missed her. He loves his relationship with her, not understanding that what he feels is actually love for her because he has never been aware that true love feels the way it does when he is with Pen. He sees Penelope as his best friendship, rather than the love of his life, because he literally can’t see it any other way based on how everything in his life played out to that point.
———
Okay this is way longer than I intended this to be already, but to finally make it to my main point! The Friends to Lovers trope as it plays out in Season Three Part One: Polin Do Be Polining.
What does all this mean for how Polin’s intensity shines as a couple? Due to the way their friendship has played out things like Colin taking Pen to the dance floor (not small social feat btw) in season one when Cressida bullies her, seeking each other out at social events, Pen asking about his travels - all of these are part of their relationship! It’s all part of the slow burn; it’s just less slap-you-in-the-face noticeable, to a viewer of a show about specified romance, as Kate and Anthony and even Simon and Daphne because acting like friends is an implicit part of Polin’s love story. Because they are best friends as well as eventually lovers!!
This is in full display in Season three, though put more on blast since it’s their season to get together. Colin saying he’ll teach Penelope how to get a husband isn’t a pity thing, it’s a real moment of genuine care that Colin is extending towards her.
—— “Pen wants to get a husband to be happy? Great! I’ll help to make her happy because her happiness means everything to me. Because I am her friend. Duh :)” - top ten photos taken ten seconds before disaster. ——
And it works! They start spending all this time together, and Pen has always looked gorgeous but is finally wearing clothes that she feels gorgeous in and you can see it in the way she acts, and suddenly Colin’s heart starts doing all these weird jumps around her like when she’s in the drawing room and when she wraps his hand because he has always loved her, so he doesn’t understand what these feelings that are coming up during these scenes are because they are not new feelings, just more intense ones of what he believes is pure friendship.
Penelope, on the other hand, has had her brain decide to give up on Colin Bridgerton (even though her heart hasn’t). As someone who’s been there, being in unrequited love with your friend is brutal but you can never really let go. No matter how many people they date, or the hours you spend together talking about their new crush, or the life moments share together where they do everything but love you there is always that small spark of hope in your chest that you can’t let go of lest they ever possibly realize they love you back. That chance is too precious to give up - that’s why Penelope can’t give Debling a real answer when he asks her if she would like to be with Colin in episode four. Logically she knows she should give it up but her heart just can’t. She is a hopeless romantic and her life has been spinning around Colin Bridgerton since she was 16 like the earth around the Sun. There is no other way to live, for her, if she isn’t in love with Colin. And that’s what breaks her heart the most.
It’s also why, I believe, she asks him to kiss her in that garden. She had just written about herself in Whistledown that she did the upmost embarrassing act of taking Colin’s assistance on the marriage market, and her mother dressed her down about being a spinster for the rest of her life. All of Pen’s plans, of marrying and getting out, are utterly gone for her in that moment when she goes out to the garden. She doesn’t have her prospects. She doesn’t have Eloise. She doesn’t have safety in her own home. The only thing she has left is Colin. That’s why she asks him to kiss her, because he might grant her this one kindness of making her feel alive for just this one moment before the rest of her life ends. That moment is the culmination of all of her feelings up to that point in the show. She’s given up on Colin - she wouldn’t have asked him to kiss her had she any hope left. This was her last ditch attempt to just be a girl and be kissed regardless of what he actually meant to her. It wasn’t out of desperation, it was staring down the barrel of the gun with societies’s finger on the trigger.
When she asks him Colin is taken aback. Not because he doesn’t want to kiss her but because he has never considered it before. Kissing was reserved for women you are looking to sleep with at a bar, for prostitutes in alleyways, not for his caring Pen. I’ve seen some upset over not including more of Colin’s writing in the show, as he becomes quite the writer in the books apparently, and the writing we do see is just about sex but given the way they paced the show they provided the most important piece of context for Colin’s understanding of intimacy in the writing they did use. He wonders how one can feel, despite sleeping with every kind of woman across Europe, such intimacy in physical closeness and yet such distance emotionally. It’s some level of satisfying for him to sleep around, but it doesn’t fulfill him in the way it seemed to fulfill his brothers. He cannot equate the idea of kissing to Penelope because he feels such emotional closeness to her. But when she brings it up, suddenly everything clicks into place for him. All the emotions he feels towards her, what he thought was just friendship, is so much more. Yes she is his friend, but by god he wants to kiss his friend; not out of the need to search for something but of the overwhelming feeling of going home.
Their kiss is sweet, and soft. Unlike Daphne and Anthony’s first kisses with their respective partners it isn’t this immense clashing of bodies and teeth. It’s two friends who love each other finally meeting each other as sparks fly.
———
Colin is left speechless, and confused. The kiss was amazing to him because he finally unlocked that part of him that made him realize he was in love with Penelope. The kiss was amazing to Penelope because she has been in love with him for so long, but it was also tinged with her own doubts and feelings of hopelessness. That’s why she runs away, and thanks him, because this was her last stand and he was just her friend helping her out as she believes.
But as always, a night of sleep helps clarify things. The next time Pen goes into society she is awkward but still well intentioned about getting a husband because that kiss was a long day’s worth of self pity followed by, in her terms, a moment of weakness. But it clarified things for her too. Now she can’t die without ever having been kissed, so that ultimatum she set up in her own mind was gone and everything seems much more manageable from that point on. Colin, as we know, is a wreck who is absolutely bamboozled at these feelings and we love to watch him flounder!!!
———
Now the tables have been turned. To those of who are think Penelope should have chosen Debling, this part is for you. This is when Debling really starts to court Penelope as she goes after him. She literally fights Cressida for him, because he seems like the most amenable husband for her to be able to continue Whistledown and be provided security. She isn’t looking for love in Debling because she already has love in Colin (love she believes will always remain unrequited, but that kiss can be a memory she cherishes for the rest of her life and that be that); she basically did what Anthony did at the beginning of season two. Find a suitable match that makes the most sense for her and leave searching for a love match out of it. She likes Debling, for sure, and he’s a rly nice guy!! He cares about her in a way that a suitor might, and I’m certain had they gotten married he wouldn’t have been mean to her or anything. But she would’ve been lonely. As remembered she is a romantic, someone who craves the love she reads about in her romance books. She’s spent most of her conscious life in love - marrying Debling would stop that in its tracks. In his own words, Debling tells Pen that he could try to maybe love her but that it was far too unlikely to find any room in his heart her for over his passions (aroace Debling stand rise). He specifically mentions that he is choosing her to marry because she has her own passions, separate from his, that can keep her company while he is gone both physically and emotionally from her. She doesn’t realize this until it’s too late, when her focus on the chase is over, and Debling asks her mother for her hand. It’s only then that she thinks that maybe she could hold out for love, and that power is strong enough to make her actively not want to ensure her security through Debling.
Love is treacherous, and yet we yearn for it like a sailor who cannot help but smile at the beauty of the raging sea at it comes crashing down upon him. Penelope would rather a thousand lifetimes of the chance to be in love with Colin over one lifetime married to Debling in safety.
That is why Debling breaks it off with her. Because she loves Colin, Debling knows she would choose Colin over him, and he sees Colin’s interest in her even if she does not. Like girl…. Colin literally found out she was going to get engaged, ran to the ball, interrupted the dance wherein Debling was going to ask Pen to marry him, ran after her carriage just to know if she was engaged because he couldn’t fathom letting her get away in a loveless marriage, and when finding out she was not engaged telling her he loved her even if she did not love him back because he simply had to express to her how much he loved her as he owed her that as his friend. Colin got in his knees in that carriage because he was genuinely splaying out his heart to her for her to dissect as she chose. He put himself at her mercy because that is where he believes his place to be - hers.
———
The carriage scene is, of course, the moment of highest intensity from the viewer standpoint of what we think love should appear to be. Other scenes could be Colin’s dream, and the moment in the sweets tent, etc. But those moments aren’t all of Polin’s love story. They may be the most visceral to witness, but they are just as important as the two of them laughing together in the corner of a ballroom. Their romantic trope is defined as Friends to Lovers, but that isn’t quite right - they are both. There is no big “or” between the two. Colin and Penelope are friends and lovers, and all of it is a beauty to witness.
Okay that’s it! If you’ve made it this far thanks for sticking around to hear my obsessive little thoughts. I wish you a very happy Bridgerton rewatch :)

Dear D
It's been 2 weeks since you broke up with me. 2 weeks since you told me you didn't feel like you could be in a relationship anymore. 2 weeks since my world crashed down around me. 2 weeks since the hole appeared in my chest.
You said you felt like you were toxic in our relationship. I wish you had talked to me about it before deciding. You said I didn't want to be around your kids. But I was picturing school dances and graduations and being there for them. You said that you felt it was all because of your childhood trauma. Yet you never wanted to discuss it with me. Yes I didn't push the issue when you would get close and I noticed you shut down I just wanted you to be comfortable.
In these two weeks you have isolated me from you. The one I love more than anything I've experienced in life shut me out as if I was a stranger. It's not no contact because you've still responded at times but the coldness is palpable from the messages.
I watched video of us returning from our date night captured by the security cameras The smile on your face felt genuine. The way you pulled me in for a kiss and kissed me so passionately. Did you know at that time that that would be the last time you would kiss me? Or did you figure it out when you went to hang out with your friends afterwards.
I've been looking online and so many of these posts hit close enough to home that I wonder if they are you reaching out to me. But then I notice that they're not. I just want to have a real conversation with you. Not one where you shut me out and mask up so that way I can't see your emotions.
My biggest wish is that you're willing to talk to me and we can work on repairing our relationship. Near two years all gone in 1 hour 2 weeks ago.
My therapist says that I need to contact you and give you your stuff from the house back but I don't want to. To me that feels like admitting that we will never be back together. Even now as I have your stuff in a box it bothers me that it's not in its rightful place waiting for you to come use it.
My second biggest wish after being able to talk would be that we could get back together.
How is it you could say you still love me, that it's hard for you to text me because all you want to do is flirt, that seeing me miserable makes you miserable. Those are not things said by somebody who no longer loves you.
I know there is little to no chance you are here posting things. I know there is little to no chance You're going to see this message. But just know no matter what I am here for you. I love you Amore.
A

Guys, if you like a good story please read. I need help.
I’ll start with some back story. So I’m 24(m); all throughout my younger stages, I’ve never been the type of guy to just be good with girls. All throughout school I’ve never had a girlfriend and have been rejected numerous times. I was kind of a nerdy kid but just didn’t really know how to talk to girls. Anyways, fast forward to today I’m currently on my 6th relationship of 2 years. All the girls I’ve dated aren’t that good looking. Some more than others but a little chubby and what not… you get the picture.
This girl I’m dating lives about two hours from me and we met online. We’d see each other maybe a couple times a month but we’d stay at each others houses for like 2-3 days at a time. She’s 23. Things are going pretty good between her and I. She is absolutely crazy in love with me and she honestly would do anything for me. I honestly do love her back but not to that extent and she’s so sweet and nurturing and innocent. She’s also a bit overweight and still immature in some ways. I’ve tried talking her out of her habits and that only gets so far I feel.
Given my troubling and frustrating time growing up with no female attention I’ve come across a difficult situation now. About a month ago at my job a very attractive woman drove through my job (I’m a toll collector). We exchange the cash and right before she drove off, she handed me a small pink piece of paper with her name and phone number. We glanced and smiled at each other as she drove off.
Of course I texted her because she was very attractive and I just wanted to see what would happen. This woman is 35 years old with an 8 year old daughter. She’s honestly very beautiful and has almost damn near perfect physical features. Short blonde mom not, not overweight but not skinny either. She makes six figures with her job, her family is generationally wealthy, she owns her own house and vehicle. I mean holy shit I hit the lottery. But I told this woman that im in a relationship with a girl and that unfortunately I can’t be going out to drinks with her. We stopped talking for about a week after that.
A week later she texted me and one thing leads to another, she was fine with me being with somebody and she just wanted to go out for drinks. In my mind I’m like holy shit I just struck gold with a milf. Quite literally something straight out of a porn video.
This woman and I have been texting daily for about a month now. She even has been buying me drinks every day at my work when she drives through. She’s just so mature and has goals and everything you could want in a woman. In my head i want to think what she sees in me but I don’t want to ruin it either.
Is this an opportunity of a lifetime? What do I do? If I break up with my current girlfriend, she’ll be so crushed. In her eyes everything is going perfect. I’ll feel ashamed either way.

Dear D
It's been 2 weeks since you broke up with me. 2 weeks since you told me you didn't feel like you could be in a relationship anymore. 2 weeks since my world crashed down around me. 2 weeks since the hole appeared in my chest.
You said you felt like you were toxic in our relationship. I wish you had talked to me about it before deciding. You said I didn't want to be around your kids. But I was picturing school dances and graduations and being there for them. You said that you felt it was all because of your childhood trauma. Yet you never wanted to discuss it with me. Yes I didn't push the issue when you would get close and I noticed you shut down I just wanted you to be comfortable.
In these two weeks you have isolated me from you. The one I love more than anything I've experienced in life shut me out as if I was a stranger. It's not no contact because you've still responded at times but the coldness is palpable from the messages.
I watched video of us returning from our date night captured by the security cameras The smile on your face felt genuine. The way you pulled me in for a kiss and kissed me so passionately. Did you know at that time that that would be the last time you would kiss me? Or did you figure it out when you went to hang out with your friends afterwards.
I've been looking online and so many of these posts hit close enough to home that I wonder if they are you reaching out to me. But then I notice that they're not. I just want to have a real conversation with you. Not one where you shut me out and mask up so that way I can't see your emotions.
My biggest wish is that you're willing to talk to me and we can work on repairing our relationship. Near two years all gone in 1 hour 2 weeks ago.
My therapist says that I need to contact you and give you your stuff from the house back but I don't want to. To me that feels like admitting that we will never be back together. Even now as I have your stuff in a box it bothers me that it's not in its rightful place waiting for you to come use it.
My second biggest wish after being able to talk would be that we could get back together.
How is it you could say you still love me, that it's hard for you to text me because all you want to do is flirt, that seeing me miserable makes you miserable. Those are not things said by somebody who no longer loves you.
I know there is little to no chance you are here posting things. I know there is little to no chance You're going to see this message. But just know no matter what I am here for you. I love you Amore.
A

Dear D
It's been 2 weeks since you broke up with me. 2 weeks since you told me you didn't feel like you could be in a relationship anymore. 2 weeks since my world crashed down around me. 2 weeks since the hole appeared in my chest.
You said you felt like you were toxic in our relationship. I wish you had talked to me about it before deciding. You said I didn't want to be around your kids. But I was picturing school dances and graduations and being there for them. You said that you felt it was all because of your childhood trauma. Yet you never wanted to discuss it with me. Yes I didn't push the issue when you would get close and I noticed you shut down I just wanted you to be comfortable.
In these two weeks you have isolated me from you. The one I love more than anything I've experienced in life shut me out as if I was a stranger. It's not no contact because you've still responded at times but the coldness is palpable from the messages.
I watched video of us returning from our date night captured by the security cameras The smile on your face felt genuine. The way you pulled me in for a kiss and kissed me so passionately. Did you know at that time that that would be the last time you would kiss me? Or did you figure it out when you went to hang out with your friends afterwards.
I've been looking online and so many of these posts hit close enough to home that I wonder if they are you reaching out to me. But then I notice that they're not. I just want to have a real conversation with you. Not one where you shut me out and mask up so that way I can't see your emotions.
My biggest wish is that you're willing to talk to me and we can work on repairing our relationship. Near two years all gone in 1 hour 2 weeks ago.
My therapist says that I need to contact you and give you your stuff from the house back but I don't want to. To me that feels like admitting that we will never be back together. Even now as I have your stuff in a box it bothers me that it's not in its rightful place waiting for you to come use it.
My second biggest wish after being able to talk would be that we could get back together.
How is it you could say you still love me, that it's hard for you to text me because all you want to do is flirt, that seeing me miserable makes you miserable. Those are not things said by somebody who no longer loves you.
I know there is little to no chance you are here posting things. I know there is little to no chance You're going to see this message. But just know no matter what I am here for you. I love you Amore.
A

Dear D
It's been 2 weeks since you broke up with me. 2 weeks since you told me you didn't feel like you could be in a relationship anymore. 2 weeks since my world crashed down around me. 2 weeks since the hole appeared in my chest.
You said you felt like you were toxic in our relationship. I wish you had talked to me about it before deciding. You said I didn't want to be around your kids. But I was picturing school dances and graduations and being there for them. You said that you felt it was all because of your childhood trauma. Yet you never wanted to discuss it with me. Yes I didn't push the issue when you would get close and I noticed you shut down I just wanted you to be comfortable.
In these two weeks you have isolated me from you. The one I love more than anything I've experienced in life shut me out as if I was a stranger. It's not no contact because you've still responded at times but the coldness is palpable from the messages.
I watched video of us returning from our date night captured by the security cameras The smile on your face felt genuine. The way you pulled me in for a kiss and kissed me so passionately. Did you know at that time that that would be the last time you would kiss me? Or did you figure it out when you went to hang out with your friends afterwards.
I've been looking online and so many of these posts hit close enough to home that I wonder if they are you reaching out to me. But then I notice that they're not. I just want to have a real conversation with you. Not one where you shut me out and mask up so that way I can't see your emotions.
My biggest wish is that you're willing to talk to me and we can work on repairing our relationship. Near two years all gone in 1 hour 2 weeks ago.
My therapist says that I need to contact you and give you your stuff from the house back but I don't want to. To me that feels like admitting that we will never be back together. Even now as I have your stuff in a box it bothers me that it's not in its rightful place waiting for you to come use it.
My second biggest wish after being able to talk would be that we could get back together.
How is it you could say you still love me, that it's hard for you to text me because all you want to do is flirt, that seeing me miserable makes you miserable. Those are not things said by somebody who no longer loves you.
I know there is little to no chance you are here posting things. I know there is little to no chance You're going to see this message. But just know no matter what I am here for you. I love you Amore.
A

WCW has been doing well creatively and is getting positive feedback from the die-hard fans. This creative direction has improved ratings on TBS weekend shows. The syndicated TV shows hold steady, but had been trending downward since 1984. House show business is still on the decline, even though the decline has slowed. No-shows, not getting advertised stars/matches, and overall quality are all major components for this. House Show business is down across wrestling in 1989. This is true in WWF, and around the smaller wrestling companies in North America. Stampede (Western Canada) and Continental (Alabama) look to be closing their doors. FWDem has been put in charge of the WCW.
Ric Flair is exhausted by putting on NWA Title caliber matches, booking the top of the card, and “being Ric Flair” every night. Terry Funk has proven he can still be “top of the card” caliber, but is not interested in full time wrestling. Lex Luger had his strongest year ever. He looked great in the ring, decent on the mic, and even got some cheers as a major heel. Steamboat came in for a great in-ring run. But his “uber’face” did not get over with the fans in the stands. He had a fall-out in contract negotiations. Sting continued to be popular, but had some inconsistent booking. Muta’s mystique and in-ring performance has made him a star. The Steiner Brothers have been a huge tag team for this company. There are already great teams (Road Warriors, Midnight Express), teams that have huge followings (Freebirds), and some newer teams that should dominate (Doom, Skyscrapers). Brian Pillman is popular and surprisingly, Mike Shaw has the support of the children as Norman.
The direction for October had mostly already been laid out by Flair. So there will be some small tweaks moving forward. FWDem’s job is to continue the positive movement in PPVs, TV, and improve House Show business. WCW has brought in a talent management and scheduling group. This group will help book travel arrangements for the talent. This is offered as a service to the talent under contract, at a reduced fee. This service is the “carrot” to reduce No Shows. (This service will be included in future contracts, but has an opt-out). The scheduling group will also coordinate schedules for wrestlers who have bookings elsewhere. This service is given at no charge to the wrestlers. Wrestlers payouts are paid at 80%, with 20% held for the month. This 20% is paid out monthly, assuming booking compliance. This is the “stick” for No Shows. A nightly bonus structure has been implemented for “match of the night”. This is another “carrot” to try and pick up house show performance. Show runners and local promoters will work closer together on making sure advertising for the show matches what fans will get, with “better” show given if advertised matches can't happen. Refunds, price reductions, or BOGOs for future tickets can be offered as penance.
FWDem’s next order of business is to try and repair or improve international standing. AJPW had booked the NWA World Champ, was expecting Flair, and got Steamboat. Giant Baba was very disappointed based on the communication. FWDem has offered to allow the Road Warriors to tour with AJPW for the Real World Tag League 1989. Ric Flair will get a few matches in AJPW during the January AJPW New Year Giant Series 1990. Ric Flair and the Steiners Brothers will take part in the NJPW Super Fight In Tokyo Dome on February 10th. By trying to improve these relationships, WCW at least got a heads up that NJPW will want to recall Muta to Japan for 1990. Muta will work through Clash 10. NJPW understands he will likely be losing, but will look good on his way out. Steve Williams was in line for a push in WCW, but it looks like he will have a very full schedule in Japan in 1990, with both NJPW and AJPW. Improving the relationship with Japan will also open doors in Austria/Germany (CWA) and Mexico (UWA and CMLL). These international opportunities will help on multiple fronts: excursions of young talent, keep wrestlers “fresh” for fans, make wrestlers more well rounded, and improve top end talent access.
New direction is upon us. Cooperation and embracing history (see Bruno at Halloween Havoc) will be strong in WCW moving forward. But most of November TV has been set. Clash of the Champions 9 in New York will be covered next post. WCW Has scheduled a strong House show for Greensboro on Thanksgiving (Bringing back the Starrcade tradition!). Starrcade, Clash 10, and WrestleWar are looking to help keep WCW on the upswing. Major push for Sting. Maybe Luger finally gets a shot as the top guy. Skyscrapers and Doom ready to really challenge Steiners and Road Warriors. Excited to see how things go forward.

Today my husband left me indefinitely to stay at his friend's house. We have such a strong relationship but this last few months it has crumbled to nothing. We have a 3mo infant and we are both out of work and deeply struggling and we can't shoulder each others' stress anymore. This morning he talked vividly about killing himself with his handgun as we argued and I tried to breastfeed our crying son. He refused to go to the hospital. His friend came and got him and they both acted like I was insane for being in hysterics. I don't know if he's ever coming home.
After he left my doctor's office called me and confirmed I have precancerous cells on my cervix. If I have a confirmed diagnosis this will be my second round with cancer. I'm crushed. I had a feeling but I didn't want to be alone for this news. Death feels so imminent .
After I got that news I put my son in the car and left to go get milk. The car broke down a couple miles from home in serious heat. I have no friends or family I can rely on to help me. So I began to walk home with my bags and my screaming/crying/overheating baby. I vomited from the heat and started losing it. My husband refused to come help me and sent his mother instead. She picked me up and, meaning well, tried to speak with me and make sense of what's going on. She insisted my husband loves me. It feels like an empty sentiment. I truly don't understand anymore how he can. I let her take my son for a while because I don't feel like I can even take care of myself right now.
This is the first time I've vented about our relationship issues outside of our home. I don't tell people when we argue, we agreed airing dirty laundry is disrespectful to our marriage. Well he's doing it now. So I guess I'm here doing this. Is this wrong? Am I insane? It doesn't even feel cathartic. I just want to put this in the world before I delete myself. I desperately wish to be heard and understood by somebody. Even a stranger. Please.
I feel so, so empty, and all I expect is emptiness. I have a horrible history of abuse from family and and past exes, my ability to trust is disintegrated, my self esteem is in the negatives. Every day I look at myself I see a sadder and sadder person. I look at the unbelievably stupid shit I go off about on the internet and I can see how unhinged I am. I don't know how to make or keep friends after what I've seen. I don't know how to look at my husband again. I don't even know why I'm posting here - I don't know how anyone can make me feel better. The only thing that makes me smile is my son but even now I look at him and sob because I feel like such a fucking failure. I know he would be better without me. I feel selfish for wanting to stay in this world just to see his beautiful face.
Thanks if you read this far. I hope you have a good day

Looking to build a deck thats all about alt win-cons or opponent loses the game stuffed into it. But not sure how to go about it in a way thatll ensure its the boogeyman at the table and having hard time finding references to go off of. All I have is a list with all the alt win cons and lose the game cards and a generic 5 color commander but past that not sure what direction to go to make this work so I came to my only trusty source... reddit. Help me make this the boogey man with my pod