Notes on the blindside

As the title says, today marks 6 days since my ex blindsided me with wanting to breakup and needless to say my world has been turned upside down and inside out. My sleep is out of sync, my regular routines are out of whack, and my brain has just been constantly running trying to just figure all of this out. For the last three days I've been endlessly watching YouTube videos about post-relationship advice. Today I learned about attachment roles and the different types which admittedly I had never really known about. I would quickly discover that not only am I a secure attachment type, but my ex was a distant avoidant. Hearing them breakdown the typical distant avoidant just blew my mind because of how on par it described he and my experiences with her. Then I began to think about her life and started connecting all of the pieces. Then I sobbed. I cried so hard for my ex because it all finally made sense. I knew I'd never get closure from her even though she offered it to me but I chose to go no contact. Plus whatever she told me would've likely been nonsense, but I finally feel like I have the closure I needed to understand and I think I cried for two reasons:
1) My heart is so broken FOR her because life must have been so hard for her. I truly wish I could've understood this before she broke up with me because I would love nothing more at this moment than to hold her and tell her it's okay.
2) I realized that I probably have to let go soon. I'm finally starting to grow tired of the endless amount of NO CONTACT WILL WORK ON YOUR DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT EX videos that just prey on freshly broken up singles who would do anything for a chance to get their ex's back. As grateful as I am for having them get me through the weekend, I finally realized that I'm just binging them because I couldn't face the hard truth that I really do need to try to move on. Once I faced that reality I got that same sick feeling I had the night she broke up with me. Then I sobbed my eyes out. Once I finished crying, I felt more accepting of it. Of course I still hold on to some hope that maybe she'll come back but I know that I just can't wait for her. That's the part that really hurts.
So even though I'm happy to know I'm making breakthroughs which is a sign of healing, it's a bittersweet happiness. I still love her very much and I really miss her, but I realize that I can't fix her. As much as I want to I just know I can't. But I just want her to know that I feel like I really understand her now, and I just want to hold her and tell her that I truly hope that one day she can allow herself to love and to be loved the way that I wanted to love her and still want to love her. She truly deserves it and if any of you knew her and her story, you would 1000x agree.
And one last side note: I know that there seems to be somewhat of a hopeless and negative overall opinion about Day attachment types but please know that there are some out there who aren't selfish and self-centered. My ex was incredibly generous and thoughtful and I have no bad things to say about her. I'm sure others have opposite experiences and maybe that is the typical experience with these types but I'm very lucky to have met one of the exceptions.

I applied for a soil conservationist position and was blindsided by a question about witnessing unethical behavior.
I am a federal employee and have been with my current office for 4 years.
This is what I said:
"There is definitely some unethical behavior at my office. Yes, you want to report the issue, but there are risks of consequences. I would keep my mouth shut. Then I said, on a serious note, report the issue to your supervisor and let them handle it from there."
The problem at my office is that management is part of the corruption. Even if there an ethical behavior, reporting ain't going to do anything. Especially if that individual been hired for 30 years or past their probation. The most that will be done is suspended for a week or training.
The other questions, I felt did well

[Run Zero chapter: https://redd.it/1csb71x not every run will have a chapter; it won't be long before there are multiple runs per chapter.]
Portal load: Agility 1, Bait 3, Trumps 1, Pheromones 1, Packrat 1, Motivation 1, Power 2, Toughness 2, Looting 5, Discipline Challenge, 54 of 54 He allocated, 7.8% AP at start.
[This is probably the lowest helium load I've ever done, and sorta keeping my own advice on a recent Reddit post, Bait and Looting are up. Especially Looting, but it's not like I don't always do something like this.]
The human emerges from the glowing green mist and hits the ground. Groans. Pushes against that ground, trying to get back up. I feel really heavy. I'm not that fat, am I? He's got a dark blue button-down shirt on. A uniform? A shoulder patch. Rolls over- Ah, what's that? His shoulder pressed into something hard and metallic, He reaches over and his hand naturally seems to find a folding handle. He pulls it out from under himself and gets it up on his chest, sort of in a semi-comfortable position to hold it up and look at the screen while lying on his back. Some fiddling around the edges gets the power button pressed and the screen lights up with:
"Manual portal activation 1 successful: Void enabled. / 54 He loaded / Discipline challenge active / Total portal activation 955"
"Kakka," its one of his trimps.
'My' trimps? The human sets aside the portal pad and gets up.
Are you the guy? They all seem to be looking at him, as though they have a frickin' huge problem to solve and they need his help to solve it.
32s: First trap.
Do you bite? It doesn't matter much to us. The trimps look hopefully up at him through the trap's grating, We're so friggin' screwed.
I didn't think four of you could fit in there! He opens it and they all start following him around like imprinted hatchling birds. It seems his tactic of making a catch-alive trap confirmed to them that he was 'the guy' to help solve whatever problem...
26m42s: Z2c15, 58 pop, 7.7s RC with Z1/2; 29m44s: Fresh turkimp c25.
"Hey, buddy," he says to his first scientist, "can you speak yet?"
"Shijou?" it says, then it starts writing, "Hi Tightniks."
"Who do you mean 'Tightniks'?" he asks, "I mean, it's not like I remember my own name, but what makes you think it's Tightniks?"
"Tai," it points right at him with one paw.
"Just pointing at me isn't going to answer that," he chuckles.
The trimp's hands are quite prehensile, but it's hard to tell without it holding something, they don't seem able to make their fingers visually distinguishable. [Puchim@s all the puchidoru, although some have big round hands and some have small pointy hands; Takanya is the latter. Probably Final Fantasy Red XIII as well, but I'm not familiar enough with him to be satisfied.] This one starts climbing up his leg.
"Wait, wait," he stops it. It's a challenge to stoop in this gravity, but not as much of one as carrying a trimp. He gets down on his knees and back on his haunches and-
"Tai," it points again to a spot on his chest just left of his heart, then climbs on his lap and grabs his uniform at that spot, "Tai!"
He looks down and sees "Tightniks" embroidered into the fabric above his pocket. "Ah," he sighs, "Well, if that's my name, that's my name."
"Shijou," it gives him a friendly whack on the shoulder.
2h38m55s: Mskel in Z11c3.
"Hey guys?" Tightniks points at his bone box, waving his finger, "Does anyone remember where these came from?"
"Nope," the yellow one says.
"Yeah, there are 12 more in here than we got kills to account for," Tightniks says.
"I've been getting a sense of deja vu about just about everything," the red one points at the metal box on the strap over his shoulder, "That's a big exception. Any clues there?"
"It says it's for something called a DT Experimental Industries Time Portal," the human shrugs, "I have no idea what it's talking about, honest."
3h25m46s: Block PB, 0.3% AP sub-4h, 540 pop, 8.3s RC, no turkimp
That thing is beeping? He takes a look at his TPCS pad and he's got a message saying that he finished the Block in under 4 hours and there's a little attack bonus- Under 4 hours? It's been over 4 days!! Checking the time on the device reveals that the portal times in terms of a "map frame" out there in space, and the passage of time has been vastly dilated on this planet.
4h15m56s: Zone 15, 954 pop, 11.9s RC with Z14/60, no turkimp.
"Tightniks," the yellow one comes back from the second full bin to the filling third bin, watching the human fold up another of his very first inventions, the very first thing he built after jumping through the mysterious green phenomenon exiting the crashed ship, "Why in blazes are you building so many traps?"
The human had finished another and tossed it into the bin, then picked up the now ever-present portal control pad, gets it out of auto-sleep and called up the "Achievement Points" page. "I have this weird hunch," he says.
"Deja vu? That familiar feeling we always have?" the yellow one inquires politely, slightly tilting its head.
"May I?" Tightniks turns up his hand and waves it up and down in a lifting gesticulation, then points at the trap pile.
"Sure," the yellow one understands, "if you'll put me back down after."
The human sets the pad down, stoops at the knees and gets his arms under the yellow trimp scientist's front limbs and lifts it up onto that stack of traps with a grunt; it is an impressive demonstration of his improving strength against the planet's high gravity. Then he picks up the pad again and points at one of the blank purple squares near the bottom.
"You don't know what that is," the yellow one says, "Are we going after that first one that is readable?"
"Yes," the human nods, "it's for finishing something called a Dimension of Anger, whatever that is, before getting something called Bounty."
"Whatever that is," the trimp chuckles.
"No, I know what it is," the human says, "I remember it being access to a resource-rich area on the other side of a green Wall we'll find with our next map route. It doubles our resource production."
"That would be handy," the yellow one says.
"Hmm," he nods, "But all the traps are for this one," pointing at the third square in the top row of the array the pad labels "Feats", the second of three that are purple.
"Oh," a stylus materializes in the yellow one's paw, "Well, all it says is 2.5%. It doesn't say how to get it. Something to do with traps?"
"Something to do with traps," the human chuckles, "that's only convenient to do now."
4h29m46s...
Other trimps can understand the grey one better than the human, "Shijou shijou shijou?" is what a human ear would hear, but it's really asking the yellow one, "You mean he knew it was going to be here?"
"Yeah," the yellow one nods.
"Well, it's gotta be that pad none of us finds familiar," the grey one insists.
"I don't think so," the yellow one argues, "He showed the reason for all these traps to me on the pad, and the information is not yet available there."
"Well, it can't be just a coincidence," the grey one grumbles.
6h23m16s: Our first void map dropped.
"What is that?" The red one asks the yellow one. It grabs a stick and lifts the strange square object up by an edge from as far away as he can.
"I have no idea," The yellow one says.
"It seems to have some sort of cooling effect," the red one says, looking underneath it, having tilted it up with the stick, "Like it's not just cold, but actually cooling down, as though it were the opposite of on fire."
"Shijou," the grey one says, holding a note.
"It's a void map. Grab it with a blanket and put it on the cart please. - Tightniks"
"Shijou shijou," the grey one clarifies, "The new pad said 'void enabled'. Guessing it's that."
10h06m21s: Zone 21, 1975 pop, 19.6s RC with Z20/232, no turkimp.
"Ooooookay," Tightniks growls, "There is something off about this thing."
"Shijou?" the grey one looks at the yellow one with concern about their human starship pilot friend.
The human stoops, picks up the little green gem on the ridge between Zone 20 and 21, looks at it, huffs, and asks, "Any idea where this comes from?"
"Err..." the red one seems hesitant to say, "I think you made it."
"Really?" the human huffs, "How could that be?" Then he tosses it at Red, "See if anything reacts to it. It might be radioactive, so we should take turns to minimize exposure."
"Really?" Red's holding it now, "What makes you say that?"
"Because I'm pissed off for no reason I can figure out," the human says, "I think it's coming from-" he gasps, "Waitamint!" He starts searching for the portal pad.
"Frags," the red one says quickly, "I think it's arranging a route. You're good with maps," it tosses the gem to the grey scientist.
The human has his portal pad up and reads aloud, "You have the Discipline challenge active. Tweak the portal to- yada yada yada. Tiss tiss t- completing The Dimension Of Anger will cause Trimp damage to return to normal." He snaps his fingers, "That's gotta be it."
"Shijou," the grey one says hopefully, and has a map drawn within a few minutes.
12h30m06s: Portal, 45 He, 3.600 He/hr, 2098 pop, 18.3s RC, 1% AP for Portal-before-Bounty.
The last head of the map's boss monster goes limp as one of the fighting trimps' dagger points goes into it, and the huge thing settles on its tail, resting on the package that seems to be the prize of this map. And there's a popping sound, and then something mechanical.
Is that a scroll compressor? Tightniks looks at the package. The deflating monster's lifting envelope material drapes over everything underneath it. "Red, Shijou!" he snaps and points, "roll up that side of it. Keep this part from sucking down on the extractor nozzle!"
All fifty of the scientists jump in, literally, pushing the gas in the bag towards the compressor. Tightniks as well, rolling up the front.
Until he kicks, and nearly trips over, a smaller package that might be the explanation for the reason why the center of the monster's defense seemed to be a little away from the big package he could see. It's in the right place, he realizes. He gets it uncovered and reads stenciled-and-sprayed block letters on it:
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE DOWN"
Perhaps the Dimension of Anger is so named because of the rage suddenly rising up in Tightniks' throat. It isn't so much as the free-floating aggression suddenly has an answer, there is definitely a fresh batch of rage and anger as he grips the nearest Dagger V, Mark 2 with both hands- ...I must have gotten used to destroying it at some point. He lets go of his weapon with his right hand first and dangles his left arm while holdi-
Refocusing on surviving the next few seconds, the pilot turns on the radar for the final approach and takes a last look around, then straight ahead at his forward camera and primary flight display...
He crouches, sets the dagger down gently, then starts clearing the debris from the box's grab iron. He tries to lift it- Damn, this is heavy!
Surprised at this turn of events, his two oldest scientists, Grey and Yellow, rush to either side of him and help out. They get it flipped over and read the other side of the device, Tightniks chuckles a bit at its predictability:
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE UP" There's a square cutout in the middle of one side of it, with a sliding cover at the bottom of it.
"Thanks," he pats his scientists, "but back off, please." He gets the cover unlatched, and slides it open to see, first a big rainbow-colored wide data cable and card edge connector, then several fluid ports. "There's something missing," he says aloud as he gets the cover completely off and onto the grass, "this connects to some-" he's got the wide flat cable up in his hand, realizing what it plugs into. He looks at his scientists, lips trembling, "G-g-g-get the pad."
The grey one already has the survival data pad and offers it to him.
"No, the other pad," Tightniks clarifies, "The big one. The big one," he picks up wide flat rainbow cable and its edge socket in one hand, "It goes here," he points at it with the other. "It must have come with me end of the last cycle."
Both the yellow one and the red one bring it, one on each side.
"Thank you," the human takes it, gets its hinge lugs on the trunnions at the top of each corner of the cavity, then gets the cable connector on the card edge in the pad's base recess, "See, that's where it came from." It comes on:
"12h30m05s: You have completed the Discipline challenge, unlocking a new memory-enable coolant loop and restoring your trimps to normal combat discipline."
"Do you have any idea what that's about?" the yellow one points at the edge of the left side.
"That's-" Tightniks examines it, then suddenly realizes, "It's gotta be for the void map."
He's got a port cover open, and the bottom of it says, "NULLIFIUM/VOID HEIRLOOM INTERFACE"
"Shijou?" the grey one brings the blanket-wrapped void map.
The human clears an edge of the map; doesn't seem to matter which one, and then gets it into the slot. It disappears and the blanket settles down while the environment goes deep blue and suddenly goes super cold. "Hoe Lee!" he shivers, wrapping the blanket around himself, "I hope this isn't too much of a Napolean-Hitler Maneuver!" He glances around, but all the trimps don't seem to discomforted by the sudden cold.
12h35m24s: Void 1, 55 He, 4.369 He/hr, 2098 pop, 18.3s RC, first void AP 1% and 0.3% AP for 100 He simultaneously, we got a rare shield, but it's lame with attack, storage, and empty.
As the environment around them return to normal, the trimps cheer over the deflated corpse of the- ...whatever, who give a hoot? Tightniks finds a flurry of messages on the portal screen, two regard APs, one is about having recovered 10 He units, and the big one was about a "shield". Through the touchscreen, he enables it, and gets the status effects that it's talking about.
"Where to now, boss?" the yellow one asks, Tightniks can feel the draft off the cold trimps. They seem to be extraordinarily robust ectotherms, unlike him.
"Let's go back to that friggin' Wall, where it's warmer," he shivers, "We got that AP and could use the resources." As he leads them to the L15 route, he thinks, Maybe I did that void too early. It takes on the level of our most recently entered Zone, and the resources probably go up accordingly. [I did for character reasons after seriously considering running it at Z25 or 30.]
12h49m37s: Nursery unlocked.
"Four hundred thousand gems!" the human squeaks, "Are you kidding me?"
Grey and Yellow glance at each other, the former says "Shijou?" and starts doodling a real answer.
"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but young trimps have special diets for healthy bones," the yellow one explains.
"You eat gems?" the human gasps.
"Shijou," Grey says with a shit eating grin just above a little sign that says, "Babies eat aluminate, and gems are the best!"
"Do they like the taste?" Tighniks tosses a gem from the helium compressor in the direction of the nearest house.
"Uh-Uuuuh!" after it bounces off a paving stone, a yellow juvenile with red head fur jumps into the air to catch it in its mouth. [Puchim@s Yayo. Liek seriously, she jumps after pennies.]
13h32m59s: Zone 25, 84 He, 6.199 He/hr, 2217 pop, 52.6s RC with Z24/568, no turkimp.
It has an unusually light colored body, dark head fur that lies flat, and for trimp tails, wide and not all that prehensile, reminds Tightniks of a- ...he remembers what the animal looks like, but not that his home planet is called Earth nor that the animal is called a tanuki raccoon. Just the tail, the rest of the trimp looks like a trimp for the most part. Oh yeah, the mining foreman. [Puchim@s Yukipo] He turns to Red and asks, "What's wrong with it?"
"It's in a bad mood," the red one answers.
"I can tell," Tightniks glares angrily at the red one for a moment, cools off, takes a breath, and asks kindly, "Why is it in a bad mood?"
"We've never been out this far," the yellow one offers, "...well, with the portal captured at least. Now, it was in a good mood before it got near the cart after we started this zone. Something new on the cart?"
Tightniks approaches the mopey mining foreman and asks it, "What's the matter, little fella?"
It sighs, then starts struggling to climb [see 1x6] onto the compressor cart. Tightniks helps it up with a lift, then it goes to the portal pad and turns it on, opens up the coolant page, the challenges tab there, and sort of sighs and looks questioningly at him.
"Metal challenge:" the pad reads, "Tweak the portal to bring you to an alternate reality, where the concept of Miners does not exist..."
"Oh," Tightniks realizes, then huffs, "That explains the bad mood." He sits down with the mining foreman trimp and brushes its tail, "Don't worry, my friend. You'll be back after one cycle, and I'm sure I'll miss you and your miners. These guys," he nods at the scientists, "we're scared they wouldn't be back when I first used it on purpose, but they came back. If there's a 'Science challenge' later on, I'll have you and not them-"
The scientists flinch.
"It'll be okay," he assures the mining foreman he hasn't yet realized has fallen comfortably asleep in his lap, "It'll be okay, buddy."
16h11m02s: Gymnastic Z25 taken and gyms rapidly increasing now.
The 710 fighting trimps are majestic with their new gymnastic skill and nearly impossible to hit. Only occasionally did the gorillimp do damage. They took it down easily.
Then the dragimp they faced next blew them away with a fireball that made Tightniks flinch. It took him a second to get the dragimp back in his bee nickels. The next group was all ready to relieve their fallen comrades before they went down, even without the welcoming traps for the wild volunteers (of which Tightniks has just started into the 41st bin of ten thousand.) The dragimp can do nothing to them; anything that hits gets deflected by their V-8 shields; they never got sufficiently blindsided.
[Funny: V-8 is a veggie drink similar to clamato juice I can't find anymore, but it's really five-eight, which just happens to be the squadron number of the cast in Space: Above and Beyond. Herp-a-derp!]
19h11m12s: Spammed some random biome maps...
"Tai?" the grey one looks up at the human holding a little sign, "Last couple zones, you've been mapping a lot of random biome routes we never used. Is there any point to that?"
"Stats," the human says, fitting another one together, "Oh, and this," he tosses the trimp the completed forest route map."
As it registers in the portal system, the pad starts beeping and flashing its screen.
"What?" Tightniks sneers incredulously, "There's an AP for that?" He checks and sure enough, there's a 5% Achievement Point for making a 'perfect' map, by a full notch the biggest AP so far.
The yellow one was relaxing on the corner of the latest filled up trap bin, the 49th, notices, and leans back, "Yarey yarey..." shaking its head.
19h13m28s: Uberhouse taken.
"Shijou," the grey one stands at Tightniks feet holding a small book.
Tightniks takes a brief break from his trapmaking and stoops for his oldest scientist.
"Shijou," the grey one bobs the small book in its hands to offer it to Tightniks.
"Flush toilets and septic systems?" Tightniks reads, "You do this yourself?"
"Oh, don't you wish," the red one snickers, "No, it was in that perfect route you mapped up."
20h39m26s: Zone 30, 161 He, 7.794 He/hr, 4656 pop, 20N, 74.5s RC with Z29/1735, no turkimp, 2.5% AP for sub-60 He Z30 start...
"Oh?" Tightniks has an Ax V-3 over one shoulder and screws the helium hose connector to the portal system with one hand. He grunts, sounds kinda disappointed, sets the ax down and continues working on his massive pile of traps; he's almost finished the 55th of, he just learned, 100 huge bins.
The mining foreman had struggled up onto the cart to see, and just looks baffled. It usually looks a bit lost just as part of its demeanor, but this time it looks really quite confused, and makes rather bemused sounds too.
"Oh, what is this?" Red jumps up on the cart, sounding like it's gotta be silly.
The mining foreman climbs back down and spots a purple ore vein, makes a happy sound and pulls its shovel out of its back pocket to start digging into it.
[OC: This is not even close to an exaggeration vs. OG Puchim@s Yukipo who, in 1x2, just pulls out her shovel from nowhere and digs a hole through Project 765's indoor tile-and-concrete office floor to have a nap in the cold open of a 137 second long cartoon episode. Never run out of mushroom boxes! Also, 2nd season Golden Week gold medallion, she and Yayo dig into a volcanic island and hit an oil gusher ...you don't need to know much geology to realize...]
"Really?" Red groans, "Sheesh."
What's on the pad? "Hoarder: Have over 1 million traps at once, 2.5% damage."
20h48m06s: Gateways.
"Hmm," Tightniks pauses from his trap building and gazes over where they came from.
"Thinking of something?" the yellow one asks from the stack he's building under his feet as he puts the most recent trap on the pile.
"Yunno, we have a lot of territory back there that should be pretty pleasant to live in," Tightniks says, "You'd think we should be able to just map an enemy-free route that trimps can just sit down and live peacefully in. I'd love to be able to do that."
"Shijou," the grey one is at his feet with a massive shit-eating grin, not really "hiding" a big piece of documentation behind its back. Obviously it's not so dumb as to realize that it isn't concealed. It then pulls it out and offers it to the human, "Shijou."
"What's this-" the human gasps, "Are you kidding?"
"Shijou."
"Well?" the yellow one prompts, "Let's friggin' try it, shall we?"
21h34m53s...
For some odd reason, that quiet little mining foreman is on the trap pile, fiddling around. Seems to be trying to arm one, has the spring catch on-
"Hey, buddy!" the human notices, "What are you-"
SPROING and it goes flying through the air. Does a few flips and turns, and then sticks the landing, strikes a pose, and makes a happy sound. [op cit. 1x57]
"What the-" Tightniks says, scratching his head, I wonder how much more damage the fighters could avoid if they could do stuff like that.
"Shijou," the grey one is carefully copying out the trimpese from a tattered and dusty scroll.
"What is that?" Tightniks asks.
"Where mining buddy learned that flip," Yellow says from the cart with feet playfully dangling, "another gymnastic book we picked up a few NMEs back. Probably another chapter from the same book, actually. It seems to have been torn apart and scattered."
"Is that right, bud-" the human looks around, can't seem to find the mining foreman, "Buddy, where are you?" It can't move so fast as to get out of sight this quickly!
"Po-wee!" it cheers from the bottom of its latest hole, which is beside a pile of rich bluish-greenish copper ore, onto which another shovelful flies out of the hole onto it.
22h44m17s: Zone 32, 205 He, 9.016 He/hr, 9548 pop, 30N, 37.7s RC with Z31/2712, no tkp.
"You should probably go," Red whispers.
The exhausted human has just sat down for a nap after tossing yet another trap into the huge bin stenciled "61".
"Really, I mean it," the red trimp scientist gently sets a paw on the pilot's shoulder, "Listen to sense please. Charge all this helium and use the portal; it'll make us so much stronger."
"Only 392 thousand to go," Tightniks sighs, "All the ones I've made go to waste if I use it now. I know it's only a two-and-a-halfer, but if I go now, I'll never be in de-" his head slumps into the nodding-off of post-all-nighter fatigue, "moo."
Red and the mining foreman help the snoring human gently down onto his side. The former quietly asks the latter, "Do you think he's doing the right thing?"
The mining foreman makes a particularly delighted squeak, grabs its latest flask of leafy-flowery infusion, which is just now cool enough not to punish such a maneuver with a nasty burn, and upends the whole thing in a couple seconds. It then bounds off joyfully towards the big pit mine over there. It does not often lead the general laborers because of the gymnastic and shield driven block fight, which needs wood, but it happens to be doing so today.
Yellow stands next to the grumbling unhappy green lumber foreman trimp, who is standing on the head of its dual bit ax with its chin on the end of the haft sticking up from the head on the ground. "Cheer up!" the yellow scientist gently prods it in the elbow, "There isn't a Lumber challenge."
1d00h20m05s: Zone 33, 229 He, 9.410 He/hr, 10120 pop, 50N, 40.8s RC with Z32/3390, no turkimp.
"It's a familiar smell," the human says.
"There's no way we've been out this far since whatever it is that shtfed Trimp civilization," Red grumbles. [Word based on acronym SHTF, which stands for "stuff hits the fan" in its G-rated version. Long time ago, similarly derived "nsfw" was a kerbalese cuss word.]
"I think it's from before that," Tightniks clarifies, "from before the time loop stuff."
"I'm worried our fighting group is nearly a third of our population," Yellow sighs.
"Casualties bother you?" Tightniks asks, "I thought we talked about that."
"It's taking forever to breed up new groups, and these things, *snap* ow," Yellow didn't quite touch that one the right way, "you've got 661 thousand of are too small to help. If you don't go now, this will probably be our last Coordination and we won't be able to finish the next zone."
1d06h52m14s: Gymnastic Z35 finally away.
"Did you know it was there?" The red one asks the human as they watch the grey one transcribe another lost chapter of the Gymnastic book.
"No," Tightniks huffs, in a few minutes' break from his trap building, "But I'm not surprised, I hope it gets us Zone 36. In any case, as soon as I finish that millionth trap-"
The mining foreman makes a mournful sound.
"Don't worry, buddy," Tightniks pats it on the head, "I'll brush your tail again last thing before I go." He's working on bin #88.
1d08h00m10s: 12802 pop, 80N, 43.7s RC with Z34/5298, down from 27.4s; '31m00s...
Tightniks, wearing wool-lined leather gloves mixing shimp and bovimp ingredients, plugs the void map that they got from earlier in the zone into the portal, bundled up against the expected cold. He hopes that the fresh Gymnastic Z35 and Coordination Z34 will get them through it.
1d08h33m03s...
"Do you think you can get it back out of there?" Red asks the shivering human as he reaches for the portal.
There are a pair of ejector levers beside the void map slot which clicked when he inserted it, but the void map disappears, so it remained an open question as to whether they could get it back out. Making sure not to have his hands over the void map slot, Tightniks gets a thumb over each one and there's resistance like something is in the empty slot. He grunts and pushes down until they suddenly snap down, the ejected void map rematerializes. "Well, that's a relief," he sets it down and the starts doffing his coats and sweaters to let the warm air of the normal world reach him.
"Try again later?" Yellow asks.
"Yes," the human says.
"What, are you kidding?" Red scoffs, these things level up with the zones!"
"Later on in this zone, obviously," Tightniks grunts with a huff, and then turns to see the grey one holding its little sign with those exact words on it, can't help but smile.
1d09h08m09s: Snimp in Z36c74...
Having just finished yet another trap for bin #95 of the hundred that he needs for the million-traps AP, he tosses it in and looks to the front. There's not much left of that snimp, but it just killed a third fighting group. "The training bonus from running ten laps in an on-level map route doesn't transfer to the void, does it?"
"Shijou," the grey one says with a note of confirmation.
"And I'm getting close to done this pile of traps we need for that 2.5% AP damage bonus."
"Shijou," it says again.
1d09h08m21s: Snimp in Z36c75...
Tightniks sighs, "...and there's another one. So much for that void map with its heinous critically accurate fast voidsnimps and ugly boss fight." And he returns to building traps.
1d10h14m08s: Trying again...
"NULLIFIUM/VOID HEIRLOOM INTERFACE," Tightniks tightens the stuff around himself and then finishes getting the void map inserted with his gloves, and his fingers come together as it puffs out in a brief blue mist in the void environment.
"Timba timba," Tightniks hadn't even noticed that the lumber foreman was up on his head, pats him on the head, wants to get back to work. [No Puchim@s resembles the lumber foreman.]
"Oh, there you are," the human says, "Sorry, I wanted to finish the run with the mining foreman in charge of the resourcing workers. I don't know what's about to happen to it when I hit the Metal challenge."
"Who the devon talked you into into trying this thing again?" Yellow grumbles, looking up at the indigo sky and mysteriously shrunken and dim sun, hands- ...forepaws on its waist, not discomforted by the cold, but bothered by the re-attempt. [This cuss-word after Disturbed song "Inside the Fire".]
"Shijou," the grey one grins above a Rosetta-stone-like sign it's holding with "It was me." in forty-seven languages both human and trimp.
"Zone 37 is hopeless in the time it'll take me to finish building the traps," Tightniks says.
"Won't the cold slow you down?" Red inquires, "It seems to get to you for some reason we don't get."
"Timba timba," the lumber foreman confirms from its perch on Tightiks' jacket hood.
"Yeah," he huffs, tightening it down, "but it slows down the portal clock by the same amount, so who cares?"
1d10h38m48s: Voidsnimp in c12...
Even in the void, Tightniks has gotten used to the sounds of the combat and trimps dying en masse, but when he heard that voidsnimp screech, which is similar to a "drill" robot from an Earth video game he has almost totally forgotten called Descent (Interplay 1995), he almost involuntarily turned to see, Even way back here, they can damage us despite all that gymnastic training? Then it landed the critical hit and wiped them out, as all critical hits do on this void route. He still finished the trap he was working on before going back to the portal, "Forget this, we're just getting the zone blimp." He pops the map from the portal's void slot, and starts getting his void gear off. His uniform long since wore out, so he's wearing something much more cave-manny. [I picked that sound because that sucker was dangerous and terrifying and carried the nearly hitscan Vulcan cannon. There was no Descent II equivalent, but the Thiefbot was pretty annoying.]
1d10h45m30s: 1M traps AP for 2.5%. 1d10h47m36s: Zone 37, 345 He, 9.916 He/hr, 13120 pop, 100N, 33.6s RC with Z34/5298, 2774 pop short, no turkimp.
Tightniks had nearly finished the long procedure for loading and configuring the portal, then sat down with the mining foreman to brush its tail like he promised.
The scientist trimps tried to hit the portal's activation plunger, but it refused to travel the full distance closed for any of them. Quite tired themselves out trying. The only one not exhausted into total silence was the grey one with its exasperated "Shijou..."
The mining foreman refused to go to sleep, and watched intently as Tightniks finally reached over and set it home with one hand. Its last nervous little sigh was the only thing he remembered-
The ship is without power, and Tightniks can't run the radar much without draining the batteries...

​
​
ADMINISTRATOR - VER5e+01 [circuitbreaker] / Key Am, BPM 138, 7:01, MP3 17.59 Mb
AN:TI - 108 street [Nomer] / Key Dm, BPM 135, 5:16, MP3 12.73 Mb
Addiy - This Is Beat [Nexus Recordings] / Key Gm, BPM 126, 5:43, MP3 14.03 Mb
Alessandra Jamarne - Dance It Out [Manicomio Music] / Key Abm, BPM 128, 5:32, MP3 13.57 Mb
Alex Asci - Soon Forget [Hidden Source] / Key G, BPM 133, 6:18, MP3 15.32 Mb
Alkove - El Preso [TRANSA RECORDS] / Key Gm, BPM 125, 5:52, MP3 14.66 Mb
Andreu Bacchetti - Conga Inside [EP Recording] / Key Dm, BPM 125, 4:29, MP3 10.90 Mb
Archër (ES) - Magic Wave [Geometrical Records] / Key Abm, BPM 127, 8:10, MP3 19.86 Mb
Arthur Robert - Kepler 452b [circuitbreaker] / Key Gm, BPM 141, 5:02, MP3 12.83 Mb
Aruhtra - What You Gonna Do [WH Records] / Key Am, BPM 125, 5:11, MP3 12.53 Mb
BABY GEE VIBES - BRAIN VIBES [EDM Vibes Music] / Key Gm, BPM 150, 6:32, MP3 15.90 Mb
Basscontroll - Flowing Time [Bass Controllism Records] / Key F, BPM 120, 4:20, MP3 10.75 Mb
Basscontroll - Intimate Groove [Bass Controllism Records] / Key Cm, BPM 126, 9:39, MP3 23.51 Mb
Basscontroll - Native Instruments (Original Vibrations Mix) [Bass Controllism Records] / Key Fm, BPM 124, 7:14, MP3 17.69 Mb
Basscontroll - Raving Goes On [Bass Controllism Records] / Key Gm, BPM 84, 4:36, MP3 11.37 Mb
Basscontroll - Veni Vidi Vici [Bass Controllism Records] / Key Cm, BPM 114, 7:15, MP3 17.76 Mb
Basscontroll - Which Witch [Bass Controllism Records] / Key Abm, BPM 117, 10:30, MP3 25.54 Mb
BlackTune - House [Dark Mountain Recordings] / Key Gm, BPM 128, 3:54, MP3 9.53 Mb
Blaq Owl - OMG! [Blaq Owl Music] / Key Dm, BPM 118, 6:35, MP3 15.94 Mb
Blaq Owl - The Prayer [Blaq Owl Music] / Key Gm, BPM 116, 7:29, MP3 18.12 Mb
Blaq Owl - The Spirit of Allah [Blaq Owl Music] / Key Em, BPM 116, 7:12, MP3 17.46 Mb
Bliss Looper, Evolutionary, Chill Sunrise - Beaming [High Vibe Records] / Key C, BPM 87, 2:31, MP3 6.19 Mb
Broken Music - Gimme Some [Moorgate Records] / Key Fm, BPM 127, 3:28, MP3 8.51 Mb
Bruderschaaft - Schwartzlicht [Hidden Source] / Key Dm, BPM 135, 5:13, MP3 12.72 Mb
Bruno Brufatto, SODREE - Balançou [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Gm, BPM 128, 4:55, MP3 12.38 Mb
Burak Özan - Let You Down [EYRA Music] / Key Cm, BPM 105, 3:05, MP3 7.59 Mb
Burak Özan - Rüya [EYRA Music] / Key Fm, BPM 105, 3:07, MP3 7.67 Mb
CIOFFI - Fever (Original mix) [Underdub Records] / Key Gm, BPM 143, 5:26, MP3 13.31 Mb
CIOFFI - Lesson (Allan Gallego Remix) [Underdub Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 133, 4:51, MP3 11.92 Mb
CIOFFI - Lesson (Amour Noir Remix) [Underdub Records] / Key Am, BPM 144, 5:47, MP3 14.16 Mb
CIOFFI - Lesson (Ellie (GR) Remix) [Underdub Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 138, 5:41, MP3 13.92 Mb
CIOFFI - Lesson (Original mix) [Underdub Records] / Key F#m, BPM 140, 5:03, MP3 12.41 Mb
CIOFFI - Open Mind (Original mix) [Underdub Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 138, 5:37, MP3 13.78 Mb
Carara - Silver Note (Advanced Human Remix) [Gynoid Audio] / Key Em, BPM 134, 6:25, MP3 15.56 Mb
Carara - Silver Note (Alvinho L Noise & Steel Force Remix) [Gynoid Audio] / Key Bbm, BPM 138, 5:36, MP3 13.61 Mb
Carara - Silver Note (Brian Burger Remix) [Gynoid Audio] / Key Cm, BPM 134, 7:14, MP3 17.51 Mb
Carara - Silver Note (Larix Remix) [Gynoid Audio] / Key Dm, BPM 137, 4:38, MP3 11.26 Mb
Carara - Silver Note (Raw Edit) [Gynoid Audio] / Key Am, BPM 137, 6:42, MP3 16.24 Mb
Carara - Silver Note (Robert Johnstone Remix) [Gynoid Audio] / Key F#m, BPM 93, 6:33, MP3 15.89 Mb
Cb-Myck - CB Mind [Interstellar Sounds Records] / Key Am, BPM 124, 4:43, MP3 11.59 Mb
Cb-Myck - Creamy Suite [Interstellar Sounds Records] / Key C, BPM 124, 7:08, MP3 17.40 Mb
Cb-Myck - Reptilian [Interstellar Sounds Records] / Key Fm, BPM 124, 7:48, MP3 19.02 Mb
Chris Wink - Only Heaven Can Tell(Deeper Alternative Mix) [KIMBA Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 118, 3:55, MP3 9.53 Mb
Chris Wink - Passengers of Time [KIMBA Records] / Key Gm, BPM 119, 4:16, MP3 10.38 Mb
Christopher Gonzalez - 20 Degrees [The Acid Mind Recordings] / Key Bbm, BPM 142, 5:25, MP3 13.37 Mb
Christopher Gonzalez - 50 Degrees [The Acid Mind Recordings] / Key Abm, BPM 139, 5:46, MP3 14.24 Mb
Christopher Gonzalez - 90 Degrees [The Acid Mind Recordings] / Key Fm, BPM 138, 5:22, MP3 13.26 Mb
Click Clack - Sounds Like Acid [Starskream] / Key Dbm, BPM 140, 6:24, MP3 15.70 Mb
Coalstone - Honey [BeatCode] / Key Bbm, BPM 134, 6:27, MP3 15.61 Mb
Coke Straw - Thabani In Ghana [EP Recording] / Key Ebm, BPM 124, 8:12, MP3 19.82 Mb
Connor Wall - Setback [circuitbreaker] / Key Abm, BPM 135, 5:22, MP3 13.63 Mb
CoolDeep - Baby [EYRA Music] / Key Am, BPM 97, 4:04, MP3 9.95 Mb
Court Gabin - Turn to Me (Nu Ground Foundation Underground Trance) [RSI] / Key Db, BPM 126, 6:22, MP3 15.65 Mb
Cream House, Kayden Wayans - Do Not Touch [Love Is the Only Way] / Key Em, BPM 125, 3:24, MP3 8.34 Mb
Croquet Club - Don't Say (Talee's Pool Party Extended Mix) [Reflections] / Key Ebm, BPM 125, 5:55, MP3 14.51 Mb
Crown & Beyond - Leave Ya [Glamour Stuff Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 125, 3:27, MP3 8.41 Mb
D-Knox - Chanting [Black Nation Records] / Key Em, BPM 73, 6:09, MP3 15.22 Mb
D-Knox - Chillen in Warszawa [Sonic Mind Records] / Key Am, BPM 134, 5:45, MP3 14.13 Mb
D-Knox - Deep Meditation [Black Nation Records] / Key Am, BPM 140, 4:46, MP3 11.88 Mb
D-Knox - Mind Calming [Black Nation Records] / Key Em, BPM 141, 4:20, MP3 10.85 Mb
D-Knox - Move Yo Body [Sonic Mind Records] / Key F#, BPM 135, 5:44, MP3 14.09 Mb
D-Knox - Take a Chance [Sonic Mind Records] / Key Em, BPM 135, 4:32, MP3 11.21 Mb
D-Knox - Throwback Breaks [Sonic Mind Records] / Key Em, BPM 130, 5:26, MP3 13.37 Mb
D-Knox - Total Concentration [Black Nation Records] / Key Bm, BPM 71, 5:35, MP3 13.85 Mb
DHertz - Techno - Bush [DHertz] / Key Eb, BPM 140, 2:48, MP3 6.98 Mb
DJ Johan Weiss - Feel the Bassline [BeatCode] / Key Abm, BPM 135, 7:03, MP3 17.06 Mb
DJ Wope - La Musiquilla [Wope Records] / Key Abm, BPM 126, 3:22, MP3 8.27 Mb
DJ これからの緊急災害 - Armas [Fast Music Community] / Key Fm, BPM 170, 4:57, MP3 12.46 Mb
DJ これからの緊急災害 - Las Palabras Son Armas [Fast Music Community] / Key Cm, BPM 160, 7:30, MP3 18.41 Mb
DJ これからの緊急災害 - Obsesivo [Fast Music Community] / Key Bbm, BPM 80, 4:10, MP3 10.40 Mb
DJ これからの緊急災害 - Randomizer [Fast Music Community] / Key Bm, BPM 181, 2:02, MP3 5.45 Mb
DJ これからの緊急災害 - Toma Por Delante [Fast Music Community] / Key Dm, BPM 160, 3:46, MP3 9.63 Mb
DMP - Caos [Moksha Records] / Key Gm, BPM 138, 5:41, MP3 13.87 Mb
DMP - Cuarzo Gris [Moksha Records] / Key Gm, BPM 138, 6:12, MP3 15.12 Mb
DMP - Equimosis [Moksha Records] / Key Am, BPM 138, 5:37, MP3 13.73 Mb
DMP - Exiliado [Moksha Records] / Key Abm, BPM 138, 5:37, MP3 13.73 Mb
DMP - Exodo [Moksha Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 138, 5:41, MP3 13.87 Mb
DMP - Luna [Moksha Records] / Key Ebm, BPM 138, 6:37, MP3 16.10 Mb
DMP - Represalia [Moksha Records] / Key Ebm, BPM 138, 4:45, MP3 11.65 Mb
Damne - Fox fur [Wetland] / Key Am, BPM 135, 5:43, MP3 14.02 Mb
Damne - Frost is a Plant killer [Wetland] / Key Bm, BPM 93, 5:31, MP3 13.53 Mb
Damne - Strange Dog [Wetland] / Key Am, BPM 140, 6:39, MP3 16.24 Mb
Damne - Strangers in the Night [Wetland] / Key Ebm, BPM 140, 5:02, MP3 12.37 Mb
Damne - Trouble [Wetland] / Key Abm, BPM 93, 5:58, MP3 14.63 Mb
Damne - UFO [Wetland] / Key Abm, BPM 140, 5:57, MP3 14.56 Mb
Damolh33 - Land0 (Original mix) [Damolh Records] / Key Dm, BPM 124, 9:21, MP3 22.63 Mb
Damolh33 - Land0 (Taipan (SK) remix) [Damolh Records] / Key Am, BPM 134, 8:33, MP3 20.74 Mb
Dario Suerte - Close Your Eyes (Dario's Extended Dub) [GNTLMN] / Key Cm, BPM 120, 9:29, MP3 22.96 Mb
Dario Suerte - Close Your Eyes [GNTLMN] / Key Cm, BPM 120, 6:03, MP3 14.72 Mb
DarkBourne - Flawless [Quantum Rhythm Label] / Key Em, BPM 135, 2:55, MP3 7.74 Mb
DarkBourne - No Rest [Quantum Rhythm Label] / Key Ebm, BPM 135, 2:55, MP3 7.17 Mb
DarkBourne - One Step [Quantum Rhythm Label] / Key Dm, BPM 135, 2:55, MP3 7.07 Mb
DarkBourne - To The Grave [Quantum Rhythm Label] / Key Dm, BPM 135, 2:55, MP3 7.18 Mb
Dast (Italy) - Bye Romy [Illegal Alien Records] / Key Cm, BPM 138, 5:36, MP3 13.70 Mb
Dast (Italy) - Dancing Somebody [Illegal Alien Records] / Key Em, BPM 138, 7:14, MP3 17.61 Mb
Dast (Italy) - Nebula [Illegal Alien Records] / Key Am, BPM 140, 6:07, MP3 14.94 Mb
Dast (Italy) - Tag [Illegal Alien Records] / Key Gm, BPM 130, 5:55, MP3 14.44 Mb
Davalo - Super Fly [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Bbm, BPM 127, 5:48, MP3 14.50 Mb
David Hazard - Fractals [AUTEKTONE DARK] / Key Abm, BPM 150, 5:14, MP3 12.82 Mb
David Jager - Before [We Are Klexos] / Key Dm, BPM 125, 6:12, MP3 14.98 Mb
David King Dj - Duro Lento [Microverse] / Key B, BPM 125, 4:46, MP3 11.73 Mb
Decoder - Giggling [circuitbreaker] / Key Gm, BPM 125, 6:20, MP3 15.96 Mb
Demille Vaughnn - The Night Is Young (Come On) (Dear's Main Mix) [Deep In Ya Soul Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 121, 7:28, MP3 18.04 Mb
Director 9 - Heliopolis [Dog And Man] / Key Bb, BPM 125, 4:21, MP3 10.49 Mb
Diskontrol - REFLEJO VIRTUAL [Controlla] / Key Bb, BPM 127, 5:04, MP3 12.52 Mb
Diskontrol - REFLEJO VIRTUAL (Valmaiin Remix) [Controlla] / Key Bbm, BPM 127, 6:10, MP3 15.17 Mb
Dj Pastis, Eldra, Dj Ninu - Lestat [Hardtrance Squad] / Key Em, BPM 170, 5:21, MP3 12.99 Mb
Dj Pastis, Fini, Dj Ninu, Xory - Vorfreude [Hardtrance Squad] / Key Am, BPM 169, 5:56, MP3 14.43 Mb
Dj Pastis, Wasi Distorsion, Dj Ninu - Outside World [Hardtrance Squad] / Key Cm, BPM 175, 5:58, MP3 14.49 Mb
Dkult - De Dentro Cá Para Fora [Luminar Records] / Key Gm, BPM 143, 6:23, MP3 15.49 Mb
Dkult - Dentro Cá Fora [Luminar Records] / Key Gm, BPM 143, 6:16, MP3 15.22 Mb
Dkult - Fora Cá Dentro [Luminar Records] / Key Bm, BPM 143, 6:16, MP3 15.22 Mb
Dkult - Fora Cá Fora [Luminar Records] / Key F#, BPM 143, 6:16, MP3 15.22 Mb
Dr Kubiko - Playing With Techno [My Last Secret] / Key Em, BPM 135, 5:42, MP3 13.82 Mb
Dr Kubiko - Playing With Techno (Veronica Elton Remix) [My Last Secret] / Key Em, BPM 126, 6:25, MP3 15.54 Mb
Drisan - Fortified Dub [OHM Series] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 8:26, MP3 20.36 Mb
ERR0 - Cobaia [DifferentSound] / Key Am, BPM 144, 5:05, MP3 12.31 Mb
ERR0 - Id [DifferentSound] / Key Gm, BPM 146, 5:49, MP3 14.04 Mb
ERR0 - Oedipus [DifferentSound] / Key F#m, BPM 144, 5:33, MP3 13.43 Mb
ERR0 - REM [DifferentSound] / Key Gm, BPM 144, 5:07, MP3 12.36 Mb
Elekplunkinkantk, Rowland Dowens - Penelope [Kinkanahia Music] / Key Fm, BPM 131, 4:28, MP3 11.01 Mb
Elekplunkinkantk, Synchronisation Ohne Grenzen - Electronic paradise (Dub Mix) [Electronic Potatoes] / Key F#m, BPM 128, 2:50, MP3 7.01 Mb
Elekplunkinkantk, Synchronisation Ohne Grenzen - Electronic paradise [Electronic Potatoes] / Key F#m, BPM 128, 4:34, MP3 11.17 Mb
Elekplunkinkantk, Synchronisation Ohne Grenzen - Let It Be Now [Electronic Potatoes] / Key Cm, BPM 126, 2:51, MP3 7.04 Mb
Embus, GAGH - Vou Te Botar [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Am, BPM 130, 6:10, MP3 15.37 Mb
Erik Yahnkovf - El Antidoto [CAPRICORN] / Key Dm, BPM 131, 6:30, MP3 15.73 Mb
Erik Yahnkovf - Enfermedad [CAPRICORN] / Key Cm, BPM 130, 6:02, MP3 14.61 Mb
Erik Yahnkovf - Pain Flex [CAPRICORN] / Key F#m, BPM 130, 6:03, MP3 14.65 Mb
Franck Biyong, Mary May - Lipanda [Tangential Music] / Key Cm, BPM 116, 3:46, MP3 9.18 Mb
Frank Muller - Buy Some Shit from Detroit [FMR] / Key Abm, BPM 133, 7:30, MP3 18.07 Mb
Franz Jager - Kantine [circuitbreaker] / Key Am, BPM 144, 6:42, MP3 16.84 Mb
Gaston Lopez, Gentleman (DJ) - Midnight Reverberations [GNTLMN] / Key Abm, BPM 119, 6:16, MP3 15.35 Mb
Gege, Malatek - Cocaine [Dexx Records] / Key Gm, BPM 128, 4:01, MP3 9.87 Mb
Genning - Song Of The Morning Stars [OHM Series] / Key Ebm, BPM 126, 7:08, MP3 17.22 Mb
Goteko - Italian Job [BeatCode] / Key Cm, BPM 132, 6:32, MP3 15.82 Mb
Grigollo, Haluem - Vapuvu [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Abm, BPM 130, 5:55, MP3 14.77 Mb
Guada Bonnin - Aire [Merien Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 142, 6:19, MP3 15.86 Mb
Guada Bonnin - Insaciable [Merien Records] / Key Gm, BPM 140, 5:29, MP3 13.84 Mb
HAAB - Sweet Faith [SevenSky Records] / Key G, BPM 120, 4:04, MP3 9.93 Mb
HRDP - POSEIDON [Lost in Perversion] / Key Em, BPM 145, 5:26, MP3 13.35 Mb
HRDP - UNCODE [Lost in Perversion] / Key Gm, BPM 137, 6:12, MP3 15.17 Mb
Hidden People - Distant Voices [OHM Series] / Key Ebm, BPM 121, 5:10, MP3 12.52 Mb
Hilola Samirazar - One Day [EYRA Music] / Key Am, BPM 102, 3:00, MP3 7.36 Mb
INØSTRØZA - Falla Por Temperatura [Habitat Musical Records] / Key Gm, BPM 108, 5:23, MP3 13.29 Mb
INØSTRØZA - Marco de pegado [Habitat Musical Records] / Key F#m, BPM 137, 5:09, MP3 12.74 Mb
INØSTRØZA - Pasarela Derramada [Habitat Musical Records] / Key Abm, BPM 136, 5:18, MP3 13.11 Mb
Isolalla - Tokia [T-Tracks Music] / Key Bbm, BPM 126, 5:35, MP3 13.53 Mb
J Aristi, Rizzo (Col) - Sample & Tarros [Used Goods] / Key Gm, BPM 128, 6:46, MP3 16.55 Mb
Jeff Garcia - Funky [EP Recording] / Key Fm, BPM 125, 6:13, MP3 15.06 Mb
Jens Mueller - Peace Is An Illusion [Betrieb Records] / Key Gm, BPM 138, 5:36, MP3 13.72 Mb
Jens Mueller - To The Edge [Betrieb Records] / Key Abm, BPM 138, 5:36, MP3 13.72 Mb
Jhon Dee - Language Beat [Caliclub Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 130, 5:43, MP3 13.95 Mb
Jhon Gutierrez - Churchill [EP Recording] / Key Am, BPM 124, 5:38, MP3 13.68 Mb
Jhon Roux - Yearning [EP Recording] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 6:04, MP3 14.71 Mb
Johnny Pluse - Toastie [Blindsided] / Key Bm, BPM 110, 3:13, MP3 8.32 Mb
Jonyx, Camila Arach - This is Acid [Drillers Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 130, 6:02, MP3 15.08 Mb
Jonyx, Camila Arach - This is Acid (Remix) [Drillers Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 130, 5:56, MP3 14.86 Mb
Jovan Grios - Naturaleza [Cronos ES] / Key Cm, BPM 120, 6:24, MP3 15.83 Mb
Juan Mejia, Jemimah Eze - Juneau (Amazing) [Into the Cosmos] / Key Am, BPM 117, 5:00, MP3 12.29 Mb
Junior Souza, GUINNI - Get Out [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Abm, BPM 130, 5:55, MP3 14.77 Mb
Juram - Bambú [EP Recording] / Key Am, BPM 122, 8:09, MP3 19.72 Mb
KASIMOFF - My Last Word [Mark Music] / Key Am, BPM 90, 3:26, MP3 8.39 Mb
KTTK, Onacity - Bring the Nrg [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Fm, BPM 126, 4:38, MP3 11.72 Mb
Kholiqov - Feelings [EYRA Music] / Key Am, BPM 110, 2:40, MP3 6.57 Mb
Kim Kemi - Back Home (MHM 1 & Antony Difrancesco Remix) [Bump Music] / Key Am, BPM 124, 7:13, MP3 17.36 Mb
Konstantinus - French Is What I Need [BeatCode] / Key Abm, BPM 137, 6:48, MP3 16.44 Mb
Kooya - Electrolyte [BeatCode] / Key Bm, BPM 130, 6:24, MP3 15.50 Mb
KyoshII The Epic - The Weird - The Wonderful - Game Changer [BeatCode] / Key Em, BPM 136, 6:01, MP3 14.57 Mb
LSS - Perch [circuitbreaker] / Key Dbm, BPM 129, 7:56, MP3 19.81 Mb
Lask - Deepbush [circuitbreaker] / Key Db, BPM 142, 6:22, MP3 16.04 Mb
Lecture - Bionic [McCarty records] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 7:49, MP3 19.12 Mb
Lenata - Lisbon [BeatCode] / Key Gm, BPM 140, 5:29, MP3 13.30 Mb
Leopold Bär - TF02 [Ghost Program Records] / Key Abm, BPM 133, 5:47, MP3 14.12 Mb
Leopold Bär - TF02 (RSD-86 Remix) [Ghost Program Records] / Key Em, BPM 138, 6:20, MP3 15.41 Mb
Libellula - Lipstick Town (Nu Ground Foundation Classic Edit) [Rushmore] / Key Fm, BPM 124, 2:36, MP3 6.35 Mb
Libellula - Lipstick Town (Nu Ground Foundation Classic Mix) [Rushmore] / Key Ebm, BPM 124, 6:29, MP3 15.67 Mb
Libellula - Lipstick Town (Nu Ground Foundation Deep 'N' Low Dub) [Rushmore] / Key Dbm, BPM 124, 5:58, MP3 14.43 Mb
Lindsey Herbert - Control [circuitbreaker] / Key Cm, BPM 142, 6:08, MP3 15.48 Mb
Litchy & Smiley - It's Like [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Dbm, BPM 128, 5:46, MP3 14.43 Mb
Luca La Rocca - Don't Panic [Hidden Source] / Key Am, BPM 136, 5:42, MP3 13.88 Mb
Luiz Lazzaro - Can't Stop (DNO Remix) [Future Soundz] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 3:07, MP3 7.84 Mb
Lynne - Gno [Rave Nation Recordings] / Key Em, BPM 127, 5:18, MP3 12.75 Mb
M-Paths - Beach [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Eb, BPM 86, 6:22, MP3 15.42 Mb
M-Paths - Celestial [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key F#m, BPM 120, 6:32, MP3 15.82 Mb
M-Paths - Contemplate [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Gm, BPM 120, 4:19, MP3 10.53 Mb
M-Paths - Emerge [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 170, 6:03, MP3 14.66 Mb
M-Paths - Escaping the Humdrum [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Fm, BPM 116, 7:58, MP3 19.26 Mb
M-Paths - Grow Part Three [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Gm, BPM 120, 4:15, MP3 10.36 Mb
M-Paths - In No Hurry [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 118, 9:06, MP3 22.01 Mb
M-Paths - In the Warmth [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key C, BPM 127, 3:20, MP3 8.18 Mb
M-Paths - On the Up [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 128, 6:23, MP3 15.46 Mb
M-Paths - Panoramic [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 113, 4:26, MP3 10.80 Mb
M-Paths - Reflect [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Fm, BPM 116, 5:38, MP3 13.70 Mb
M-Paths - Soaring [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 120, 7:03, MP3 17.06 Mb
M-Paths - Submerge [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 128, 5:32, MP3 13.44 Mb
MAPP4 - Brinca [Blackside] / Key Em, BPM 128, 5:45, MP3 14.03 Mb
MAPP4 - Bring Me Higher [Blackside] / Key Cm, BPM 127, 6:10, MP3 15.05 Mb
MLA.VU - My Bassline [Acid Positive +] / Key Bbm, BPM 135, 6:24, MP3 15.81 Mb
MLV - One More Night [Balloonz Records] / Key Am, BPM 126, 5:01, MP3 12.11 Mb
MMØ - Forbearance [Xelima Records] / Key Am, BPM 137, 5:16, MP3 13.47 Mb
MMØ - No Return [Xelima Records] / Key F#m, BPM 137, 5:30, MP3 14.04 Mb
MMØ - Still Missing [Xelima Records] / Key Bm, BPM 136, 5:27, MP3 13.90 Mb
MacX - Sunset Vibes [City Life Music] / Key Cm, BPM 119, 4:20, MP3 10.56 Mb
Maddrum - Decoder [Drak Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 133, 6:26, MP3 15.70 Mb
Malcolm Lewis - About Last Night [Flash Frequency Productions] / Key Am, BPM 124, 5:04, MP3 12.32 Mb
Malcolm Lewis - Groove Capital [Flash Frequency Productions] / Key Dm, BPM 120, 4:52, MP3 11.88 Mb
Malcolm Lewis - Groove Capital (Remix) [Flash Frequency Productions] / Key Em, BPM 120, 5:32, MP3 13.48 Mb
Marko Zalazar - Cassette [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 6:37, MP3 16.47 Mb
Martin Climax - Audio Communication [Sonic Tropic] / Key Am, BPM 124, 6:54, MP3 16.68 Mb
Martin Climax - Zakopane [Sonic Tropic] / Key Am, BPM 124, 6:58, MP3 16.93 Mb
Maty Badini - Excited [We Are Klexos] / Key Am, BPM 126, 5:22, MP3 12.99 Mb
Max V. - Mister DJ (Edit Mix) [Atop Records] / Key Em, BPM 120, 3:24, MP3 8.38 Mb
Max V. - Mister DJ [Atop Records] / Key Em, BPM 120, 4:52, MP3 11.90 Mb
Mikas - Crazy [Progressive Grooves Records] / Key Dm, BPM 128, 4:53, MP3 12.17 Mb
Mikhail Catan - Compassion [Deep Elite] / Key Cm, BPM 107, 6:30, MP3 15.91 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - Hypnotic Longing [Craze Records] / Key Gm, BPM 137, 5:19, MP3 12.99 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - Level Up [Craze Records] / Key Bm, BPM 92, 4:21, MP3 10.65 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - Live Love Die [Craze Records] / Key Fm, BPM 124, 5:10, MP3 12.61 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - One Shot [Craze Records] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 4:00, MP3 9.75 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - We Could Live [Craze Records] / Key Cm, BPM 142, 2:52, MP3 7.13 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - What Binds [Craze Records] / Key G, BPM 124, 5:10, MP3 13.10 Mb
Mr.lucky, Tech C - Mamababa (TC Dj Remix) [Neapolis Records] / Key Cm, BPM 93, 8:09, MP3 19.66 Mb
Mr.lucky, Tech C - Mamababa Groove (TC Dj Remix) [Neapolis Records] / Key Cm, BPM 93, 8:09, MP3 19.66 Mb
Mzade - Amerikaz [GeoPlay] / Key Dbm, BPM 100, 2:38, MP3 6.46 Mb
Naked Art - Drive To Cape Town (Ancient Roots Late Nite Mixx) [Deep In Ya Soul Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 121, 7:09, MP3 17.41 Mb
Naked Art - Drive To Cape Town (Demille Vaughnn's Afro-Room Remixx) [Deep In Ya Soul Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 121, 6:53, MP3 16.74 Mb
Naked Art - Drive To Cape Town (Original Main) [Deep In Ya Soul Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 109, 4:48, MP3 11.74 Mb
Neo - Suppressed Action [circuitbreaker] / Key Gm, BPM 142, 7:35, MP3 18.94 Mb
Neuron - Distant Memories [EYRA Music] / Key E, BPM 97, 4:15, MP3 10.35 Mb
OOOOØ ЯENDON - All Night [LETS TECHNO records] / Key Abm, BPM 150, 5:46, MP3 14.02 Mb
Ohsha Kai, Marc Jay - Space [Bump Music] / Key Bm, BPM 118, 7:05, MP3 17.06 Mb
Oldschool Dubtechno .Producer - Tree of Life [OHM Series] / Key Dm, BPM 124, 6:54, MP3 16.68 Mb
Oleg Evil - Aneroid [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Gm, BPM 136, 5:25, MP3 13.38 Mb
Oleg Evil - Ataraxia [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 4:32, MP3 11.28 Mb
Oleg Evil - Confusion [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 5:55, MP3 14.61 Mb
Oleg Evil - Degeneration [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key F#m, BPM 138, 3:57, MP3 9.85 Mb
Oleg Evil - Disturbance of consciouness [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Em, BPM 136, 4:42, MP3 11.69 Mb
Oleg Evil - Mental Retardation [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 136, 4:35, MP3 11.41 Mb
Oleg Evil - Psycotherapy [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key F#m, BPM 136, 4:48, MP3 11.90 Mb
Oppose - String Theory [DRK records] / Key Am, BPM 146, 6:02, MP3 14.67 Mb
Oppose - Trinity [DRK records] / Key Gm, BPM 148, 6:08, MP3 14.93 Mb
Opposite - Undercover [Fuzion Music] / Key Am, BPM 128, 7:53, MP3 19.00 Mb
Panca Borneo - Escape The Reality [BRONEO RECORDS] / Key Fm, BPM 128, 3:23, MP3 8.23 Mb
Panca Borneo, Cliffrs - It's You [BRONEO RECORDS] / Key Fm, BPM 126, 3:33, MP3 8.77 Mb
Papa Tin - Realize (Instrumental Mix) [Dreams Come True Music] / Key Bm, BPM 110, 5:18, MP3 12.85 Mb
Papa Tin - Realize [Dreams Come True Music] / Key Bm, BPM 110, 5:18, MP3 12.85 Mb
Paripe - I dont need this [Epoque Music Electronic] / Key G, BPM 125, 5:03, MP3 12.34 Mb
Paripe - I dont need this (Remix) [Epoque Music Electronic] / Key Gm, BPM 125, 6:01, MP3 14.64 Mb
Pasiphaë Group - Aegaeon [OHM Series] / Key Fm, BPM 114, 6:28, MP3 15.65 Mb
Phyxx - Confused [Hidden Source] / Key Dm, BPM 138, 6:32, MP3 15.88 Mb
Play On Disco - Local Tribe [Klexos Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 119, 6:28, MP3 15.75 Mb
Play On Disco - Rancor [Klexos Records] / Key Am, BPM 119, 6:13, MP3 15.17 Mb
Politics Of Dancing - Let's Do This (Boris Werner's Bleep Remix) [Politics Of Dancing Digital] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 6:49, MP3 16.45 Mb
Politics Of Dancing - Let's Do This [Politics Of Dancing Digital] / Key Ebm, BPM 127, 1:46, MP3 4.33 Mb
Politics Of Dancing - Mamma [Politics Of Dancing Digital] / Key Cm, BPM 127, 7:07, MP3 17.18 Mb
Politics Of Dancing - Never Stop [Politics Of Dancing Digital] / Key C, BPM 127, 6:36, MP3 15.94 Mb
Pumping Alien - A Cid [Technological Records] / Key Gm, BPM 138, 5:38, MP3 13.73 Mb
Pumping Alien - Heat Light Pressure [Technological Records] / Key Abm, BPM 138, 6:58, MP3 16.95 Mb
Pumping Alien - Starlight Everywhere [Technological Records] / Key F#m, BPM 140, 5:05, MP3 12.44 Mb
PytRok - Loving Me [DeepShine Music] / Key Am, BPM 117, 3:58, MP3 9.82 Mb
RSD-86 - Enveloping (Leopold Bär Remix) [Ghost Program Records] / Key Dm, BPM 138, 5:09, MP3 12.60 Mb
RSD-86 - Enveloping [Ghost Program Records] / Key G, BPM 140, 5:32, MP3 13.52 Mb
Rafeex - Good Love [EYRA Music] / Key Am, BPM 100, 2:37, MP3 6.43 Mb
Rafeex - Never Get Over [EYRA Music] / Key Am, BPM 106, 3:49, MP3 9.29 Mb
Ramseen - Be My Valentine [EYRA Music] / Key Dm, BPM 110, 3:02, MP3 7.41 Mb
Ramseen - Future [EYRA Music] / Key Em, BPM 100, 2:23, MP3 5.95 Mb
Rei Borg - Ravers (With Don Viktoria) [BeatCode] / Key Am, BPM 138, 6:30, MP3 15.72 Mb
Renect - Drive Me Crazy [Twists Of Time] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 4:42, MP3 11.57 Mb
Reno Allen - Driven Body [For Groovers Music] / Key Bm, BPM 127, 7:05, MP3 17.21 Mb
Reno Allen - Lollipop [For Groovers Music] / Key Bbm, BPM 127, 7:07, MP3 17.28 Mb
Ricardo Motta - Remember [We Are Klexos] / Key Bm, BPM 123, 6:15, MP3 15.10 Mb
Rodle - Bad Boy [EYRA Music] / Key F#m, BPM 100, 2:38, MP3 6.43 Mb
Ross Roys - Follow the Music Flow [Ross Roys Records] / Key Am, BPM 140, 6:20, MP3 15.35 Mb
Rubito - Stromboli [We Are Klexos] / Key Dbm, BPM 125, 6:41, MP3 16.16 Mb
S/S - Dragged [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Am, BPM 140, 6:51, MP3 16.85 Mb
S/S - Hide Vanguard [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Fm, BPM 130, 6:54, MP3 16.93 Mb
S/S - Hypnus [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Am, BPM 135, 6:12, MP3 15.25 Mb
S/S - Other Presence Spite [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key F#m, BPM 135, 6:10, MP3 15.18 Mb
S/S - Phobic [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Ebm, BPM 135, 6:12, MP3 15.25 Mb
S/S - Viscerale [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Gm, BPM 115, 6:12, MP3 15.26 Mb
SCTP, Zeta (ES) - Drown [Black Turtle Records] / Key Am, BPM 149, 6:40, MP3 16.07 Mb
SCTP, Zeta (ES) - Sweet Angels [Black Turtle Records] / Key Gm, BPM 147, 7:09, MP3 17.24 Mb
SONO (COL) - 4Pasos [EP Recording] / Key Gm, BPM 128, 8:30, MP3 20.55 Mb
SONO (COL) - Shom Lee [EP Recording] / Key Abm, BPM 127, 6:33, MP3 15.87 Mb
Sam Wave - Acid Trip [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key B, BPM 131, 2:56, MP3 7.25 Mb
Sam Wave - Astronaut [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Abm, BPM 130, 2:57, MP3 7.30 Mb
Sam Wave - Last Call [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 129, 2:59, MP3 7.36 Mb
Sam Wave - Madness [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Gm, BPM 115, 3:20, MP3 8.23 Mb
Sam Wave - Pure Gold [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Dm, BPM 129, 2:59, MP3 7.36 Mb
Sam Wave - Something Different [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Cm, BPM 132, 2:55, MP3 7.20 Mb
Sam Wave - Sophia [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Abm, BPM 125, 3:04, MP3 7.58 Mb
Sami, Dj Pastis, Q-Byk, Dj Ninu - Feeling 7/17 [Hardtrance Squad] / Key Am, BPM 165, 5:36, MP3 13.61 Mb
Sansixto - Gt [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Bbm, BPM 129, 5:29, MP3 13.77 Mb
Sett - Take a Step Back [Nexus Recordings] / Key Dbm, BPM 128, 4:38, MP3 11.41 Mb
Shades Of Play - Habitual Linesteppers [Witty Tunes] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 7:15, MP3 17.96 Mb
Shades Of Play - True Story [Witty Tunes] / Key Em, BPM 123, 5:40, MP3 14.16 Mb
Shitake - My Girl's House [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Bm, BPM 128, 7:01, MP3 17.44 Mb
Siki - Half Night Stands [Siki] / Key Ab, BPM 128, 2:36, MP3 6.44 Mb
Solntsev - All Night All Right [Fast Crab Records] / Key Abm, BPM 125, 7:37, MP3 18.57 Mb
Solntsev - Be Myself [Fast Crab Records] / Key Em, BPM 125, 7:39, MP3 18.64 Mb
Solntsev - Do This to Me! [Fast Crab Records] / Key Dm, BPM 125, 6:49, MP3 16.62 Mb
Solntsev - Never Touch Me Like That [Fast Crab Records] / Key Em, BPM 127, 6:10, MP3 15.10 Mb
Solntsev - Tell Me Why [Fast Crab Records] / Key Dm, BPM 115, 7:29, MP3 18.22 Mb
Solntsev - Watch Me Dancing All the Time [Fast Crab Records] / Key Ebm, BPM 127, 6:26, MP3 15.72 Mb
Solntsev - Watch Me, I'm so Beauty [Fast Crab Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 125, 6:51, MP3 16.72 Mb
Spuri, Marcello V.O.R. - Wizard [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Abm, BPM 128, 5:30, MP3 13.79 Mb
Stateeast - Got His Gun [SMART Record's] / Key Gm, BPM 126, 5:20, MP3 12.97 Mb
Summing - I Will Wait (2024 Remake) [Summing Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 120, 7:09, MP3 17.35 Mb
Sunner Soul - Afro Jazzin' [Vintage Music Records] / Key Em, BPM 122, 6:24, MP3 15.51 Mb
Survival Mode, BLACK RABBIT (AR) - No Más de Dos [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Fm, BPM 131, 4:17, MP3 10.85 Mb
Sven Neawolf - Dein Herz [Neawolf Records] / Key F#, BPM 120, 4:46, MP3 11.59 Mb
Sven Neawolf - Gefrorenes Herz [Neawolf Records] / Key Gm, BPM 140, 4:48, MP3 11.66 Mb
Sven Neawolf - In meinen Gedanken [Neawolf Records] / Key Am, BPM 160, 3:57, MP3 9.62 Mb
Sven Neawolf - Leid in DnB [Neawolf Records] / Key Cm, BPM 121, 5:42, MP3 13.83 Mb
Terra4beat - Attention (Egrojj Rmx) [Krank Music] / Key Ebm, BPM 130, 7:17, MP3 17.76 Mb
Terra4beat - Attention (Hamelin Rmx) [Krank Music] / Key Dm, BPM 147, 6:45, MP3 16.47 Mb
Terra4beat - Attention (Meteoro Rmx) [Krank Music] / Key Dm, BPM 130, 6:00, MP3 14.68 Mb
Terra4beat - Attention [Krank Music] / Key Bm, BPM 132, 5:26, MP3 13.29 Mb
Tony Zarr - Espera [Nexus Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 126, 4:34, MP3 11.28 Mb
Torres De Lara - La Mezcla [Sativa Music] / Key Gm, BPM 125, 9:44, MP3 23.41 Mb
Uun - Atrahasis [Ego Death] / Key Am, BPM 138, 5:54, MP3 14.55 Mb
Uun - Double Aspect [Ego Death] / Key F#m, BPM 138, 5:44, MP3 14.15 Mb
Uun - Ouroboros [Ego Death] / Key Em, BPM 138, 5:30, MP3 13.60 Mb
Uun - Sight Unseen [Ego Death] / Key Abm, BPM 138, 5:39, MP3 13.96 Mb
Uun - The Upside of Losing Everything [Ego Death] / Key Bm, BPM 138, 6:15, MP3 15.41 Mb
Uun - You Can't Have Both [Ego Death] / Key F#m, BPM 140, 6:00, MP3 14.80 Mb
Vadim Antonov - Gravity Of The Night [Young Technic] / Key Gm, BPM 130, 6:54, MP3 16.88 Mb
Vernucci - Bajo Y Profundo [Hidden Source] / Key Gm, BPM 136, 5:42, MP3 13.90 Mb
Wermoont - Magic Land [Nexus Recordings] / Key Abm, BPM 125, 4:46, MP3 11.76 Mb
White Cat Project - Breakzz (original mix) [Vibetek Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 126, 7:11, MP3 17.48 Mb
White Cat Project - Little Trip to África (original mix) [Vibetek Records] / Key Cm, BPM 126, 8:23, MP3 20.38 Mb
White Cat Project - Love Tension (original mix) [Vibetek Records] / Key Ebm, BPM 126, 8:10, MP3 19.85 Mb
Yuuta - Bam Bam [EP Recording] / Key Dm, BPM 133, 5:47, MP3 14.02 Mb
Yuuta - He Is Cando [EP Recording] / Key Am, BPM 131, 6:06, MP3 14.81 Mb
Yuuta - Jeffer Is Alive [EP Recording] / Key Am, BPM 127, 5:37, MP3 13.61 Mb
eMe Castro - Fucking Groove [We Are Klexos] / Key Ebm, BPM 125, 5:43, MP3 13.84 Mb
iPunkz - Around [IPUNKZ MUSIC] / Key Fm, BPM 100, 2:25, MP3 6.13 Mb
membran 66 - Acidtech [Ome-Records] / Key F#m, BPM 130, 6:31, MP3 16.02 Mb
w jara - First Time [EP Recording] / Key Fm, BPM 128, 5:30, MP3 13.35 Mb
​
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I guess I'm looking for validation that this is textbook, and I am looking at this correctly. I guess that is the effect of being gaslit - you don’t know your reality is really your reality. But I am here, and asking for help, because I will need to see him for the next 12 years (our kids go to the same school). This will be in passing and at events, but I am traumatized, still recovering, and just scared. I am looking for some insights because I spent about 2 months trying to fit my story into a box of emotional and narcissistic abuse…. But it's not that....I see that now. If you are able to share tidbits of knowledge, or point me in the direction of more clarity, I would appreciate it so much.
I am going to write out the cliff notes. I imagine a lot of you can fill in the parts I leave out as from what I read on here, it’s typical.
I met him walking my kid to school. He walked the same way every day. Over time, we became friends, and I learned he was trying to leave his marriage. Once he did, the relationship happened fast – too fast. He seemed so 100 percent sure of me and it was odd. I often looked disheveled walking to school and tired….I am not sure what he saw in me. But, I felt sure of him too, but wanted to go slower. I tried to slow it down, but at the same time, didn't. I am responsible for that. I felt like a hamster on a wheel after a few weeks and was able to tell him that I need the weekdays for myself, for my work, and for my kid. He seemed to respect that.
But he often romanticized the first few weeks together....even in the last days.
Quickly, I started to notice the emotional dysregulation. There was a lot going on for him: moving out, going through the divorce, parenting, work….so I understood it. I was also still getting to know him. Then severe trauma responses and triggers started happening. They would lead to these large child-like reactions with a lot of tears and anger. I didn't understand it but knew enough to know he had trauma to work through, and perhaps was feeling it for the first time. Each time this happened, there was nothing I could say to help or get him out of it, he would blame me a lot and say I was the cause, and he expected me (without saying it) to be there for him 110% even though I couldn’t. And truthfully, I didn’t want to….I wanted him to be able to handle that for himself or realize it was an issue. I didn't have the tools to deal with it and suggested he try deeper therapy. He agreed.
When he first met with the therapist, she told him it is like a virus takes over his brain and he is convinced in those moments. That was music to my ears at the time. But that is the last time I felt that way.
After a few months of this cycle continuing, I started detoriating. First my mental health, and then my physical health. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like we couldn’t go a few days without him reacting to something small. I wrote in my journal many times “there's no amount of validation I can give this person.”
I didn't point it to excessive adoration and validation, I could not see that really, but if he texted me 5 things and I responded to all 4 logistical ones and ended with "love you too" I was chastised. If I was driving and did not respond to an “i love you,” I was called out for it. At the end of October, I told him I needed the weekend to clean my apartment. It happened to be 60 degrees that day and of course, I would have preferred to be outside, but I am an adult and could not blow off my commitment to myself to clean. That day he messaged me 18 times that me missed me. He kept inviting me out. I kept asking him to stop, because clearly I would prefer to do something else than clean, but needed to. The missing was excessive. I didn’t even know what he meant. We lived next door to eachother. That night, I had to work, and he was upset with me because to him, it was optional and I should have chose to see him.
There were so many moments when he wanted so much comfort I couldn't provide. We were both single parents. That kind of affection goes to my kid....and I couldn't give it to him in that way. He would even want the affection when he hurt me.
He would see my daughter freak out at me and then say that I don’t love her enough, and he would joke they are the same….
It wasn’t a joke?
As time went on, and his therapy went on, and he felt validated by the therapist, the blame came on more and never left. It started in August, and even when I'd get an apology, it would be for the impact (what I'm responsible for) and not his intent. He'd argue with me over seeing his intent clearly. I'd say I don't care about your intent, you're killing me. It didn’t matter, nothing did.
I never felt like we could repair any incidents. As the blame went on, I really questioned myself. I wondered if he was right. What if I don't love enough? What if I don't receive love well? I've been in therapy for 20 years and know I have limitations but I'm not an asshole…
I felt coerced a lot of the time.
I felt he wanted me to change a lot....he wanted me to be less blunt, more loving, more balanced, work less even though he was awful with money, have sex when sick, injured or mentally dead from the day, always be happy to see him, don't be affected by the trauma responses and don't try to talk to him about it, don't take space and if I do, prepare for some kind of punishment, love him and miss him endlessly, do everything together, if I am dysregulated, he wanted me to regulate with him….
I noticed I started taking precautions to keep myself dafe. I didn’t realize I was setting boundaries to prevent the abuse but I was. I’d say I was busy when I wasn’t. I wouldn’t accept or ask him to get me from the airport, knowing I would not be 100% happy after a flight and that would cause a fight (as it did). I didn’t ask for help, and when I did ask for help, I would expect the help to not happen. I did not communicate anything he did “wrong” (like, you said you would drop off quarters for laundry on monday….do you have them?)
There were a lot of moments we would have deep conversations and I felt like we were getting somewhere, that he heard me.
I'll fast forward to the end because this is already way longer than I wanted….and it’s sad that I know it could be so much longer.
In the last month, he reacted and blamed me for everything. There were at least 5 major incidents. After the last one, I told him I was done. It was really bad and left me spending $50 to uber home in the snow, when I could barley walk as is (I had a herniated disc in my back and could barley walk). That month, I lost health insurance, and after begging for time to just take care of the injury, he told me we need intensive couples counseling. I had asked to just continue our therapist until we could change. That wasn't enough. The next weekend he asked me to go to a Gottman weekend. I said I couldn't leave my kid to do that right now and needed to take care of my help.
After that snow episode, that was really bad, laced with blame in the unpacking, I said I'm done, I can't do it. I was crying uncontrollably. I was scared. I really did not know who I was speaking to. After an hour, right when I needed to leave, he snapped out of whatever mindset he was in and told me he'd do anything, that he would work on anything, to please stay. I had to go, I could not think anymore. So in desperation, the only thing I asked for was to go alone on a trip with my daughter. He was scheduled to come with us. I said I needed time just with her. He agreed.
And honestly, he held up his end of the bargain....until he didn't.
3 days before the trip everything fell apart. I worked 12 hours that day and at the end of the day, went to pour water in a cup at home. It was the only time we had together before I left for the week. He hugged me from behind while I was pouring the water (....remember herniated disc in my back). I asked him to please stop and just let me have a second to pour the water.
He said "there's no turning back from this" and got his stuff to leave. I was floored. I was so upset because I knew where this was going - the blame game. He left, wouldn't come back, and then continued to blame me for the next 2 days about how I was an asshole the days before, only spent time with him out of obligation (not true), and rewrote history. I had a stomach bug all weekend and could not eat, but still tried to hang out as much as I reasonably could, and that was not enough.
The water incident was Wednesday, Thursday he had therapy and reinforced the blame, and I ended up leaving without saying goodbye. It was a week. I wanted to believe this relationship could survive a week. But I was clear with him days before: I am working up until I need to leave Friday so I can have real time off with my kid. He was upset I did not find him to say goodbye, even though he made no attempt to make peace earlier. But of course, my fault.
That night, he claimed down. Was nice. But it was a trap. After 12 hours of him being nice in text he said he was only doing it hoping I felt remorse and realized how wrong I was. He told me over and over he wouldn't see it differently. He said he read the transcript of our texts to 2 therapists and his friends and it’s clear: I am wrong. May be important to name here that we are both in our late 30’s.
I said that I want to work this out and I'll talk when we can actually discuss it and I'm willing to hear his side but not willing to blindly take all responsibility. He nailed me on every response, telling me how wrong my response was and what I should have done differently.
I was with my kid and could not talk. When I said "why are you doing this now, you know I can’t really respond" he told me to stop avoiding.
That night, he ghosted me for the first time in the relationship and I panicked. I called him a few times. No answer.
The next day, despite him never doing that to me before, he called me controlling for calling.
At 7am the next morning he told me our relationship was over in a text. This man, who 7 days before was professing his love and understanding of me ended the engagement in a text. This of course continued with a back and forth. I asked him to please stop. To please pause and talk to me when i'm back in 5 days. He told me to fight for the relationship or it was over. I said “I am just waking up with my 7 year old, in a hotel, please stop.” I asked him to attend couples therapy in 3 days to talk this out. He said “you accept all responsibility and change your behavior or we are done.” I asked if he was willing to talk and he said the problem was my perception and that it's wrong, so unless I change we are done. I knew this wasn't ok but I was so blindsided I did not know what to do. He agreed to go to couples therapy Thursday. We barley talked. There were a few more messages of him telling me he needs to know I can live a drama free life and celebrate his love and see it all as beautiful (almost verbatim). At this point, all I wanted to do is keep the dial down. I pushed back saying, “I cannot teach my daughter that someone can just tell her that her emotions and feelings are wrong, I hope you will be willing to talk and we can get on the same page.”
He agreed to go to couples therapy, and then didn't show up. He texted me 10 minutes before saying he was not going. I begged and pleaded. But he had the couples therapist to tell me he wasn't going to go. He had her tell me. I lost it. I lost my mind. I had been reeling for days. Not sleeping. Putting on a fake smile all day with my kid while I was dying inside. Staying up late to cry, process, read, figure out wtf was going on…
I called him about 10 times and of course, he told me it was inappropriate. He then picked up and gave me 10 minutes. He again wanted me to take all responsibility for everything. I was so shaken, I just fawned. I said ok. When I'm back I hope we can talk but if you want me to accept blame for now, fine.
Everything was calmer for 2 days until we were heading back and he texted me something along the lines of "don't fool me" I was like wtf? He said "there's no turning back. There's no other chances." I was like wait what? And then it was "don't make me look like a fool" I had no idea what was going on. I was like "um what is this?" He essentially was reinforcing his stance: I am to blame for everything in the present and past. If I try to talk to him about his side I'm wrong. I need to repent and one wrong move (defined by him) is a misstep and there's no room for error (his words). I was like....I will be in a relationship based in reality, and I will own my part and parts, but i will not be in something that i'm to blame for everything. That is not healthy. I have also been in abusive relationships before.
He then stopped messaging me. Didn't care that we got into flight issues. Didn't care we made the flight back. That night he came over and was a victim. Claimed in the 5 days I was gone he found himself. That he wasn't focused at work because of me and now he is. He wanted to try to be together. I had no idea what reality I was in. We slept together. He left. And told me we'd talk the next day. All of this felt so weird but I was just hoping he would snap out of this and back to reality and we would be able to talk. But I also knew this had to end at this point.
The next day, he didn't answer me all day. This was the opposite of behavior I ever experienced from him. Did not respond to texts or pick up the phone. We had a training appointment and he had the trainer tell me he wasn't coming. I broke down in tears. I begged him to just answer a text. He didn't. He drove by me while walking the dog and did not stop. I emailed him, expressing my confusion, telling him this is not what we agreed to. He blocked me. That night I got an email from him letting me know he was moving 10 min away. He lived next door in another apt building. He actually assured me the day before he “was not going anywhere.” In that email, he listed out the calls and texts I sent and how inappropriate it was. He never said we were done. He said taking space, needing space…so in my head I was confused but see it now.
I was inconsolable. I didn’t respond.
But here is the issue I am still in: I needed to see him dropping his kid at school the next day. I will need to see him for the next 12 years unless I move.
The following Friday he stood next to me at a school event. I purposely stood in the back to have space and be able to leave if I needed to. He went next to me. When I told him he should sit, he said he didn't want to make it obvious to his ex wife. I asked him to speak that Friday. He said ok but he was moving. I cried instantly. Already? I said ok.
On Saturday am, I saw the truck pull up and left the house. I called him that Saturday. I was blocked.
The next wednesday he asked me for a series of logistics in a text. None of which I handled yet. Wanting me to cancel flights and settle up money spent together. No mention or responsibility for all the money wasted on tickets we will never use. But then…in the text, asked for my engagement ring back.
I responded to logistics. Not the ring
He then called me 3 hours later because something went really wrong in his legal case. He wanted me to understand and validate him. I did....I just turned off my feelings for a moment. At the end he said, so about the flights. Can you handle it? "If i cancel it for you and your son i also have to do it for me and my kid. It's all on the same reservation" "well if you can go and not make sexual advances on me then we can try to go together.” I was like wtf? I could not have sex for months due to my injury. But he wanted to. Was this way of setting up blame that if we DID sleep together I would be to blame? I was like “I will cancel it for all of us.”
He then ran down more logistics and I said honestly you didn't seem done. I don't understand what you're doing. He said "im done" i hung up the phone.
He asked me for the ring again that night in a text. I said no, I need time to process this.
Everything since then has been a transaction. If i have a genuine emotion, he gets upset that i have it at all. He continues to sit next to me at school events because he claims he does not want his ex-wife to think we are done (this is insane to me….). I realize now that if it is a “good” interaction he is happy. If I am sad, then it is a “bad” one.
He never told his son we broke up, and shamed me for telling my daughter.
Recently he asked me a question and I was annoyed, and he said "can you not be mad at me?" I said “no, I can't not be mad at you…”
In the last 3 months, he’s said "I don't want to confuse things" has come up a lot. I don’t know if he is saying that to me or himself.
I have been so stuck trying to understand how I could not take space at all from him, to being totally discarded. I know he went back to spending, and drinking, but I don’t think he is seeing anyone.
He only responds when he wants to. He ignores other things. I never was able to get an MRI for my back because the claim went through a DR he set up for me and he never sent me the info when I asked.
I got the money back he owed me, but still lost so much money.
He told me he missed me one time.
I don’t know who this person is.
I will have to see him for the next 12 years while the kids are in school unless I move. I am not going to move just to avoid him, but I need to heal so I can be strong enough. I don’t know if he is going to try to come back. I have been in therapy and am getting clearer about what brought me into this in the first place.
Any clarity you can help me with, on this, and what may come from here, would be really helpful. It will help me direct some of my searches and begin to piece things together to process in therapy. I have severe anxiety when I run into him at school.
I have never had to heal from something like this before. At first, I thought it was healing from a narcissistic discard….this feels like so much more.
Does it sound like he will want to come back?
Is there ever closure?

Now that the finale's almost here, here is a ranking of every single player this season and how they played! Let's take a look
-infinity: Maria Shrime Gonzalez
SHE MADE THEM PLAY ROCK PAPER SCISSORS! I think she's the goatiest of goats and if she isn't shot out of FIji in a cannon at F5 then she becomes a -1 vote finalist. She's like Austin from 45 all over again (side note: I still need to watch the 45 finale)

1. Bhanu Gopal

Hitler. Ghengis Khan. Ronald Reagan. Mike Gabler. Put him up there with these 4 as the WORST GUY EVER!!!

1. Randen Montalvo

Be honest you forgot this dude was on the show

1. Ben Katzman

Rocks get it 😂😂😂😂 (I literally don't know what else he did)

1. Soda Thompson

Remember when she was the persona non grata of the fandom for like 2 weeks? Me too. Rude bully who stole innocent Venus' lunch money.

1. Tevin Davis

Speak of the devil...

1. Moriah Gaynor

Crazy how she's made it to the final 5 so far, especially after her infamous Applebee's meltdown. Also as a 20-year allergist I can tell you that she faked all her illnesses. Ngl she was a badass during the Tevin vote though

1. Tim Spicer

Tiki man, tell everyone how Tim was the sexiest dad to play Survivor. Also he probably did something idfk

1. Tiffany Nicole Ervin

SHE WAS GREEDY WITH HER IDOL!!!!!!! (I'm totally not salty bc she was my winner pick)

1. Charlie Davis

Maybe if he was a Lanatic then he'd be near the top of the list

1. Liz Wilcox

Oh shit. was she or Moriah the Applebee's one? Guess we'll never know...

1. Q Burdette

BIG MISTAKE 😂😂😂😂 CANCEL CHRISTMAS 😂😂😂😂 right guys?
8: Hunter McKnight
You want that idol boy? Go fetch boy! Goooood boy! You want that telegraphed blindside boy? Yes you do! Yes you do! (this was painful to type out)
Several: Jelinsky
I hate this joke so fucking much

1. Bruce Perrault

It was tragic that he got medevaced within the first day but I'm glad he returned to do his famous "robot dance"

1. Jem Hussain-Adams

The beware advantage shenanigans was horrific but I have a crush on her so I'll let it slide

1. Kenzie Petty

So is she a dragon the same way TOTK Zelda's a dragon? Anyway, can't wait to see her breathe fire and shit in the finale. Unfortunately, she was rude to Jess so she doesn't get top 3 privileges.

1. Jess Chong

Speaking of which, the greatest player that never was

1. Venus Vafa

My queen. I can't believe she was always in the right and was on the bottom solely because of the hags Tevin and Soda and not because of a demonstrated lacking social game. Still funny as shit though

1. The version of Hunter in the fandom's head

Greatest player ever. Would've gone on an unprecedented 7-win immunity run had Kenzie not placed a juju on him during the F9 challenge. Incredible strategist. Incredible social game. Incredible looks. Incredible everything. If he had made it to FTC he would have been the first contestant to win unanimously AND get a knobber from Jeff during the live reunion!

Been trying to get this post past the "Taken down by reddit filters" block so hopefully this gets through. And apologies, this ended being longer than I expected.
TL;DR: 21 years old sharing place with parents. Parents dislike each other, don't communicate and mother hasn't paid rent for last three months. Have a loan in my name that father hasn't paid back. $8k in debt, but $5k cash coming in August. Wondering if I should take summer paid internship to get away for the summer.
Hey all! I'm a 21 year old college student trying to pick myself up from a rut I'm in. For the last five months, things have been tanking for me financially. Went from having a comfy 750 credit score to being down around 630 now. I don't mean to defer blame but most of the issues have been coming top down from my family members, particularly my parents. They're separated but my mother, me, and my younger brother moved in with my dad after the expiration of our old lease in mid 2023. My father saw it as a way to bring the family back together (meaning he wanted to get back with my mother). It didn't work. And there's no reason he should've believed it to work considering he knew my mother had a new partner in her home country.
Regardless, my mother, father, brother, and I all ended up living together again. The place was cramped, dirty, and took a toll on everyone's mental and social health. I went through some health issues, financial setbacks with a broken down car, and got diagnosed with depression. My mother had to go back to her home country after her sister passed, grieved, and then came back married to her long time partner. Her partner stayed in their country, while my mother came back to the US.
My father was not happy about this, and consistently ranted, vented, and updated us on everything to do with my mother's marriage while she was away. It made the living situation tense, and he was incredibly bitter about it even though he had walked out on us years prior. He had moved out and partnered up with a woman many years prior, throwing the first stone.
My father then blindsided us December 2023 by letting us know the landlord wanted us to move out the next month. It was information he had known for a while but didn't reveal until we only had so little time. Somewhere in the past few years, my father decided that since my mother had remarried, that he should too. Instead of helping to prep for the costs of moving out, he left for his country. He had said he was going on a business trip to Michigan, but failed to consider location sharing. He was back in his home country, looking for a wife.
This meant that the moving out costs fell on me. A full time student, a part time worker. January was coming quick, I browsed through housing apps constantly. I put in plenty of rental applications and secured a couple spots for us. Every time I asked my parents what they were doing to help us move out by the end of the month, they didn't have anything to say. They wouldn't communicate with one another either. It wasn't ideal for us to live altogether, I was hoping to find my own place and let them figure it out for themselves honestly. However, I felt bad leaving them out to drop considering both of their poor credits. We decided that we could all split the rent. I found a place, and put up $1500 from my savings for the total move in cost of $4100. All my dad could chip in was $600, and my mom barely a scratch. To secure the final costs, my dad assured me that he would figure it out and get a loan. I thought it was settled. Until he asked me "What's your credit score?"
I was a naive in trusting and sharing this information, I thought him to be more reliable financially than my mother. We ended up getting a $2000 loan in my name that he assured he would pay me back on quickly (he hasn't). Not to mention just the general labor and costs of packing up our belongings. I kept having to be the mediator between them, at this point my dad was the only one with a vehicle and asking him to get something so simple as U-Haul boxes he didn't even do. When I got off shifts, I was packing. Off work? I was packing. I did everything I could to get us into a place and hardly anyone else contributed.
After January, we move into our new place. I figured everything was settled, we've figured things out and things are picking up. The house was much larger than our old space, my brother and I had our own rooms after sharing previously. There was more natural lighting coming into the place, and we all felt generally better. My only issue at the time was racking up my credit card taking Ubers to work, which was now much further away. My dad promised to be my ride to work, but went back on that after having some car troubles of his own. The loan had also been finally placed on my credit report and I lost a lot of points.
Now just came the rent. We didn't have to pay for February because we moved in at the tail end of January. At the end of February, my mother would be going back to her home country for a Ramadan in March to be with family, and her husband. She paid her portion for March before she left and was also going to pay for April 1, as she was going to receive tax return money. She was supposed to be back Mid April and buy a car with that tax return money as well, instead for the past two months she's gone ghost during rent payments. Promising that she will send it, or saying that her payment services aren't working, and has left me and my dad scrambling for money. Again, I was working part time. My rent contribution was meant to be $700 but has instead gone up to about $1000, and little room to pay off debts or anything like that.
This is one of my biggest issues right now, $700 was already way too much but would've been manageable with my income. My mother also expressed that she didn't want me to pay that much and would take over my share when she got the chance. I asked my father for some leniency as well because he works multiple jobs too and has a relatively high income, however he's made some wildly stupid financial decisions like having a car that he pays $1600 a month for simply on the car note. He argues that because he drives for his work, the car pays itself. It doesn't.
Realizing my situation, I got a full time gig along with my part-time. I also applied for a couple scholarships through my school that so far have totaled to $2100 extra that will deposit in the fall semester. I also will receive another $3000 through the standard refund check that I get. In August, I know that I'll be on the path to stabilizing again, but right now things have been tough.
Currently I sit at a 630 credit score, $8k in debt, a loan in my name, and limited cash flow. I also got accepted for an internship out of state that would be a really great opportunity for me. My current job would allow me to transfer to another location in the state, I would be able to work both the internship and job. I would have housing figured out at a manageable cost, but would just have to contribute to rent here as well. Sorry for the long post and extensive background, I think I'm just looking for general financial guidance.
I've figured out a couple personal goals like never lending my parents money again (I've done it for both and have never seen the money back). I'm going to be moving out at the end of this lease, and finding cheaper living elsewhere. I just don't know what to do for the time being, do I take the internship to get away from my parents and all their issues? Do I tough it out, do I break the lease? Appreciate the reading. Thanks all.

I’m in a difficult situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for serval years and share a lease, we legally cannot get out of it (I had a lawyer look at it, they’ll come after me if he doesn’t pay his rent) and I cannot afford to pay our entire rent on my own. I firmly believe he would just stop paying rent if I left him or kicked him out.
Two months ago, I found out that my boyfriend has cheated on me serval times within the past year. I was blindsided and devastated. I always thought I would be mad in a situation like this, but I’ve actually felt no anger and instead have just felt utterly disappointed. Since then, I’ve stopped making excuses for him. But I still haven’t been able to leave. One for financial reasons, and two for some reason I still love him very much.
Today, I asked him to pick up a prescription for me from the pharmacy. He called me to ask me my birthday and how to spell my last name. Something in me just broke. I quietly told him and then hung up the phone and cried. I can’t be here anymore. I can’t believe this is my life. I don’t deserve this. Please give me tips for how to leave and how you’ve coped if you’ve been in a similar relationship.
Note: I used to be a stronger person. The abuse in this relationship has changed me into someone I don’t recognize or like. Please be kind in your comments.

I played my 4th game of MESBG yesterday; two as Isengard and two as Mordor. The last two games I began including spellcasters (Saruman and Witch-King + Ringwraith), and I've absolutely fallen in love with them. So far I've played them in a way where I build a shield-and-spear wall (pikes in Isengard) in front of and around my spellcasters, using them to try dictating the pace of combat and disrupt my opponent. I've also been sending Witch-King around on his horse, together with Morgul Knight, doing similar things, only mobile.
While it's been fun and I'm definetly looking to continue doing similar things in the future (right now I'm planning a list of Witch-King with Morgul Knights and a Ringwraith or two with Black numenoreans and orc warriors w/spears), but I'm currious if there are other armies out there where spellcasting is more prevalent, either as control magic or damage dealing (or both). I've been thinking of simply using more Ringwraiths in a Mordor list, but they do seem a bit fragile with the "Will of Evil"-rule at the same time.
On a side note; What are "normal" point values the game is usually played at? So far my friends and I have been using 500pts armies (with the exception of the first learning-game). Is this a normal size or generally considered small? I'm a bit blindsided by a few years playing Warhammer40k, where 2000 is more normal, which feels quite large so far in mesbg.

After the text and e-mail referenced in the title, he unfriended me on Facebook and apparently blocked my phone number. Nor did he respond to my email, so maybe I’m blocked there as well. I had been in a relationship with him for several months. (Prior to that we had lengthy correspondences for a month.) We grew incredibly close. He frequently told me how special and precious I am. We said “I love you” often. He ended almost all his texts with “Love you with all my heart,” “Love always,” etc. We talked a lot about the future. Very recently he said he wanted to discuss our relationship, and that was what we planned to do the evening of the day he sent the break-up email and then blocked me. In the previous couple of weeks he said we needed to talk, but wouldn’t say about what. And each time I suggested we could talk, he either said it was too late in the evening or there wasn’t enough time. I’m confused, because one day I set aside three hours for us to talk, and he said it wasn’t enough time, so he didn’t want to talk then.
We are both over 60 years old. We both have health issues and similar difficult life issues. I thought we understood and were supporting each other. I had told him I’d never abandon him, no matter what he was going through. I’ve never loved anyone like this.
I recently had an epidural steroid spinal injection. The steroid left me with inability to sleep more than a few broken up hours and it caused me to be extremely irritable, and the side effects lasted longer than the few days I was told they would. I know it was as difficult for him to handle my uncontrollable temporary mood swings as it was for me, if not harder. I’m far from the perfect partner because of chronic health and sleep issues, but if that is why he no longer wanted to be with me, or if it was another reason, I feel I deserved to be told how he felt in person.
I’m blindsided, devastated, and heartbroken. I don’t understand. And what does using the phrase “indefinite break” mean? Does that mean he’s leaving the door open for coming back to me someday, or is it a euphemism for saying it’s over between us? I can’t stand the thought of not seeing him again, especially because I don’t know why. It hurts so bad! He is a musician who will be performing in several band concerts I planned to attend this summer. On the one hand, I want to go and sit up front so I can at least see him and and not deny myself enjoying the band because I’ve been looking forward to the shows. I wouldn’t approach him because I know he wouldn’t want me to. On the other hand, I know how awkward and uncomfortable it might be.
On a side note, one previous relationship partner did something very similar to me, although that relationship wasn’t as serious as this one. We had a pleasant date the evening before, and the next afternoon he blindsided me with an email saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Is this common break-up behavior?

Introduction
Please note this is all from my own perspective. I'm sure my Dad has his own version of things if you ever met him, and I'm also sure neither of our accounts are to be trusted as they're both fully biased and subjective.
What Happened?
I wanted to come out to my parents together, I really did, but I couldn't. My Mum is the "scary" one of them both, the one who I've clashed with the most over the years, the one least likely to "get it". I wanted my Dad's help to bridge this gap between myself and my Mum and support me in coming out to her.
Obviously we all know there's no rhyme nor reason to when we come out for the most part, it isn't a logical step. It's a purely emotional one based solely on finding the right situation.
Thursday evening (16th May) I thought I was in said right situation. Apparently I was wrong.
Me and my Dad had a lovely evening, we watched the first 2 episodes of the new series of "Welcome to Wrexham" and when we came to go to bed I left my coming out letter on his pillow. I told him I wanted to tell him something but that I couldn't find the words and that I'd written it down.
We went to bed, I felt ill and horrible and, well, I can't describe it really. I expected my Dad to read the letter and approach me about it that evening. He did not. In fact I found out later that he didn't even read the letter until mid morning the next day.
The next day, yesterday (17th May), I called in sick to work. I knew there was no way I'd be able top concentrate with this looming over me. The morning went fine, but at around 1pm my Dad came to me and said we'd discuss the letter I gave him at dinner. He sounded angry, but that silent and quiet type of angry that your parents get when you really fucked up. Sensing the vibes weren't exactly A-Ok I decided to drive to my sisters' house as they had just returned from holiday and also were not in work that day.
I stayed at my sisters' house as long as possible, hyping myself up and convincing myself that this conversation over dinner was going to be ok. My sisters had to leave and so I did too and returned home and waited for dinner.
After about an hour I went downstairs and ate dinner with my Dad. The TV was on and we ate in silence, but not an awkward silence to be honest. Still, after dinner he told me not to go anywhere, we're discussing this letter. I'm like "Ok sure", and I get ready for a little pushback but overall a positive result.
I was blindsided.
My Dad argued with me, told me that telling him in a letter was cowardly, and argued that the time wasn't right and that this was a bombshell to drop on him. I agree with that last part to an extent. It was a bombshell, but when wouldn't it be?
In terms of the time not being right he was referring to the fact that the reason my Mum isn't around this weekend is that she's at my Grandmother's house as my Grandmother's experiencing some health issues lately. The reason I told my Dad is because if anything happened to my Grandmother before I was able to come out to her, regardless of her reaction, I would be devastated knowing she passed on without really knowing me. And having Mum away meant I could ask my Dad for advice on how to approach that very sensitive subject. She's my Mum's mum and as such I didn't want to say to my Mum's face "Hey, I'm trans. Just telling you so I can tell Granny before she dies and we never ever see her again". (Hyperbole, but you get what I'm saying)
I never managed to explain myself fully though because my Dad dropped a bombshell on me. When he asked why I told him separately to Mum I said that it was so he could help me broach the subject with Mum. He said he can't keep any secrets from my Mum and that the "help" he is going to give me is that when my Mum returns on Sunday (tomorrow) he's going to tell her that "Artistic_History9476 has something to tell you" and that if I refuse to come out then he's going to out me to her regardless. He told me that I needed to "Man, oh I'm sorry Woman" up and tell my Mum to her face as soon as possible.
I left the house very quickly and waited at my sisters' house until my Dad had gone to bed before I returned. It's now the next day (18th May) and he left early to go fishing but he's getting home in about 70 minutes. Talking with my sisters last night means I have a few things I want to tell him now that I have a clearer head, things I either couldn't think about in the heat of the moment or things I tried to but couldn't say.
Suffice to say this isn't what I expected from my Dad and quite frankly I'm disappointed in his reaction and behaviour.

In January I (F19) was offered employment at our long-time family friends small business as Admin in Training for a five week period; ultimately progressing to a permanent part-time Office Administrator position. I recently finished my diploma and the couple wanted to help me get ahead. They were extremely compassionate, even gifting me a car for personal use prior to commencing work. I was completely blindsided when, during the fourth week of my training, I was illegally dismissed by my boss in our reception area. She attempted an immediate, verbal termination on improper grounds, which voided my training agreement as the required written notice period was not provided. I realised she had broke this clause when I read my contract later that day, and decided to raise a personal grievance against the business. I will insert this now for further context.
To Whom it May Concern,
I am writing this letter to inform you of the personal grievance I have decided to raise against redacted by reason of unjustified dismissal. This is due to a conversation had between the employer and employee on Friday 16 February, where an immediate oral termination was attempted.
As you have failed to give appropriate notice to the employee, the training period is now invalid. This grants the employee entitlement to raise a personal grievance against you. Section I.84 states if any part of the employment agreement is found invalid, no other terms are affected.
The employee training agreement was signed by both parties before the specified start date and took effect on Thursday 25 January 2024. As stated in Appendix 2 of the training employment contract, the employee is employed as an Admin in Training throughout the fixed period.
Following the start date identified within Appendix 1 of the employee training agreement, the employee has worked 12 rostered shifts across a four-week period, totalling 62.5 hours.
Appendix 2 of the agreement lists essential job functions required by the employee. It also notes the list is not all-inclusive and additional duties may be assigned. There are 17 responsibilities listed for the employee to achieve satisfactory performance.
The observation between Appendix 1 and Appendix 2 is that the employee has had an average of 3.7 hours to learn, conduct and perfect each required duty.
Redacted has been appointed to train the employee throughout the employment period. The employee has also been instructed to report to redacted and redacted. These individuals have provided coaching on occasion alongside redacted.
There is a lack of consistency between these employees regarding processes and procedures. This results in conflicting approaches towards tasks and situations. The employee has been instructed to conduct required duties in various ways, causing a general confusion towards tasks.
The systems and applications utilised at redacted are automotive repair based. These are not taught when completing a foundation Certificate in Business Administration.
Workplace training is critical for developing knowledge, skills, and efficiency in employment. Businesses operate with different processes and procedures and employers have a legal obligation to provide correct training to employees. Training periods are essential for an employee to gain competence within their new environment, systems, and processes.
The employee has had to work reception alone on occasion during their training period as redacted and redacted were absent. This incurred a lack of opportunity for successful training. The employee used her initiative in these situations and thought she managed well without usual guidance from these individuals.
On Thursday 8 February the employee approached redacted regarding an issue with her payslip. The employee was advised she had not been using the timecard machine correctly therefore her hours could not be accurately calculated. The employee had been employed for precisely two weeks and was not advised of her error prior to this date. It was not demonstrated how to correctly use the timecard machine during the training period. This is one example of a failed training opportunity.
Upon arriving at work on Thursday 15 February the employee was immediately sent home to change clothing allegedly due to health and safety. Section H.59 of the employment agreement states the employee will be required to obtain their own black pants/skirt practical for the role. The employee felt her pencil skirt was practical for work as it reached her fingertips when she had her arms by her sides. There is no clause in the employment contract which specifies that skin must not be exposed for health and safety reasons.
Throughout the initial two weeks of training the employee was directed to complete only computer duties and paperwork. During the third and fourth week, it was required for the employee to integrate customer interactions into these responsibilities. It was made apparent that the intention of this method was for the employee to first get acclimated, then progress on to learn the importance of balance.
On the morning of Tuesday 13 February, feedback was provided by redacted on behalf of redacted. The employee was advised to improve their time management skills and attentiveness to detail. Redacted also noted that from this day forward, she would not be allocating the employee daily tasks as she wanted to observe the employee self-managing for the supposed first time. Upon finishing work that day, the employee reported to redacted and asked if she had managed well throughout the day. The employee was advised that she had done a really good job.
Since then, the employee worked one shift on Thursday 15 February and was proposed dismission the following day. There was no warning given to the employee regarding the consideration of dismissal. New Zealand’s Employment Relations Authority states whilst legally you do not have to give reason for termination during a training period, you are still obligated to act in good faith with the employee. It is recommended that you firstly speak with the individual during their trial to let them know improvement is required and indicate how they are failing to meet your standards. An employee should be afforded the opportunity to improve.
During the attempted termination, the employee was advised her dismission was due to a lack of customer service skills. This was the first time she had been offered feedback regarding this duty.
According to Section F. of the employment agreement, the employer can only end the employment agreement without notice if serious misconduct occurs (see Appendix 3). The employee would like to make you aware that they do not believe they have warranted dismissal by serious misconduct.
It is a legal requirement that you provide your employee a written notice to terminate employment if you believe the employees behaviour, performance, or persistent misconduct warrants dismissal. It is also necessary that you provide a one-month notice period to your employee, as stated in Section F.43.
If you would like to pursue termination of employment, you must provide a written dismissal for the one-month notice period to be set in motion.
For this 28-day period, the employee is still employed at redacted. As the employee training contract is only valid until Thursday 29 February, the employee is entitled an increase to minimum wage from Friday 1 March onwards, until the notice period ends 28 days from issuing dismission. The employer can exercise their right to pay the employee in lieu partially, or for the entirety of this period.
It is within good faith that you resolve any issues brought forward by an employee. Appendix 4.5 states that the employer may seek clarification from the employee, it is then a requirement for the employer to discuss and resolve the issue.
Overall, the employee is asking that you reinstate her employment. Alternatively, you must follow the steps outlined above to legally dismiss and compensate the employee.
Regards,
Redacted.
Following this, I met with my employer and discussed three resolutions; either reinstate my employment, offer a severance payment, or I lodge a legal complaint with the Employment Relations Authority. Unfortunately, I avoided contacting ERA as I did not want to taint the relationship between my parents and their friends. I met with my boss again the following week to sign the record of settlement drafted by her lawyer. The terms included a new employment agreement be initiated on a date confirmed by both parties. There are some important things to note; this was an S.149 settlement, with mediator certification required. I was verbally told that same day she would devise a new training plan, and it had been disclosed to me on various occasions that I would work full days every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, covering another member of staff who has recently had a child. At the end of our meeting she embraced me, informed me that we would wipe the slate clean and she was looking forward to working with me again. Our interaction felt very genuine.
Over the next month, the couple took a holiday and had their lawyer draft my new employment agreement. Another employee quit during this period due to mistreatment. My parents stopped receiving communications from my boss and her husband.
I received my new contract yesterday and cannot help feeling utterly misled. It states that I will be employed as a workshop employee, despite having no education on workshop practices; this position is vastly different to my prior role as an administrator. It also mentions that I am now required to wear overalls, not the branded office tops which were custom ordered for me in my last role. As mentioned above, I had been informed on multiple occasions that I would work three shifts each week; the new contract proposes that I work only one five-hour shift each Friday. There is no mention of a training programme either.
I established an excellent case with my personal grievance and put so much effort into earning back my job. I was under the impression that I would be returning to the same position when I signed the settlement. In hindsight, I should have made a report with the ERA instead. I am furious that they have pushed me into a corner where I feel that I cannot accept employment. I have read across various sources that a mediator-signed S.149 settlement is incredibly hard to void. What options am I left with now? Is there any way to reopen my last claim? Can I raise a new grievance for unjustified disadvantage? My employer has acted in a way to disadvantage my employment, her actions are also not reasonable or in good faith. Could this count as constructive dismissal although I am not currently employed by the business? They have pressured me to feel that I have no choice except turning down employment, however this is different to resignation which leaves a grey area. I do not feel as though the terms of my contract are up for negotiation, this is incredibly tactical on her behalf and yet another example of why I feel victim to workplace bullying. Is it worthwhile asking her to alter the agreement? The situation feels totally out of my control now. Any advice is appreciated, thank you for reading.

In January I (F19) was offered employment at our long-time family friends small business as Admin in Training for a five week period; ultimately progressing to a permanent part-time Office Administrator position. I recently finished my diploma and the couple wanted to help me get ahead. They were extremely compassionate, even gifting me a car for personal use prior to commencing work. I was completely blindsided when, during the fourth week of my training, I was illegally dismissed by my boss in our reception area. She attempted an immediate, verbal termination on improper grounds, which voided my training agreement as the required written notice period was not provided. I realised she had broke this clause when I read my contract later that day, and decided to raise a personal grievance against the business. I will insert this now for further context.
*****
To Whom it May Concern,
I am writing this letter to inform you of the personal grievance I have decided to raise against *redacted* by reason of unjustified dismissal. This is due to a conversation had between the employer and employee on Friday 16 February, where an immediate oral termination was attempted.
As you have failed to give appropriate notice to the employee, the training period is now invalid. This grants the employee entitlement to raise a personal grievance against you. Section I.84 states if any part of the employment agreement is found invalid, no other terms are affected.
The employee training agreement was signed by both parties before the specified start date and took effect on Thursday 25 January 2024. As stated in Appendix 2 of the training employment contract, the employee is employed as an Admin in Training throughout the fixed period.
Following the start date identified within Appendix 1 of the employee training agreement, the employee has worked 12 rostered shifts across a four-week period, totalling 62.5 hours.
Appendix 2 of the agreement lists essential job functions required by the employee. It also notes the list is not all-inclusive and additional duties may be assigned. There are 17 responsibilities listed for the employee to achieve satisfactory performance.
The observation between Appendix 1 and Appendix 2 is that the employee has had an average of 3.7 hours to learn, conduct and perfect each required duty.
*Redacted* has been appointed to train the employee throughout the employment period. The employee has also been instructed to report to *redacted* and *redacted*. These individuals have provided coaching on occasion alongside *redacted*.
There is a lack of consistency between these employees regarding processes and procedures. This results in conflicting approaches towards tasks and situations. The employee has been instructed to conduct required duties in various ways, causing a general confusion towards tasks.
The systems and applications utilised at *redacted* are automotive repair based. These are not taught when completing a foundation Certificate in Business Administration.
Workplace training is critical for developing knowledge, skills, and efficiency in employment. Businesses operate with different processes and procedures and employers have a legal obligation to provide correct training to employees. Training periods are essential for an employee to gain competence within their new environment, systems, and processes.
The employee has had to work reception alone on occasion during their training period as *redacted* and *redacted* were absent. This incurred a lack of opportunity for successful training. The employee used her initiative in these situations and thought she managed well without usual guidance from these individuals.
On Thursday 8 February the employee approached *redacted* regarding an issue with her payslip. The employee was advised she had not been using the timecard machine correctly therefore her hours could not be accurately calculated. The employee had been employed for precisely two weeks and was not advised of her error prior to this date. It was not demonstrated how to correctly use the timecard machine during the training period. This is one example of a failed training opportunity.
Upon arriving at work on Thursday 15 February the employee was immediately sent home to change clothing allegedly due to health and safety. Section H.59 of the employment agreement states the employee will be required to obtain their own black pants/skirt practical for the role. The employee felt her pencil skirt was practical for work as it reached her fingertips when she had her arms by her sides. There is no clause in the employment contract which specifies that skin must not be exposed for health and safety reasons.
Throughout the initial two weeks of training the employee was directed to complete only computer duties and paperwork. During the third and fourth week, it was required for the employee to integrate customer interactions into these responsibilities. It was made apparent that the intention of this method was for the employee to first get acclimated, then progress on to learn the importance of balance.
On the morning of Tuesday 13 February, feedback was provided by *redacted* on behalf of *redacted*. The employee was advised to improve their time management skills and attentiveness to detail. *Redacted* also noted that from this day forward, she would not be allocating the employee daily tasks as she wanted to observe the employee self-managing for the supposed first time. Upon finishing work that day, the employee reported to *redacted* and asked if she had managed well throughout the day. The employee was advised that she had done a really good job.
Since then, the employee worked one shift on Thursday 15 February and was proposed dismission the following day. There was no warning given to the employee regarding the consideration of dismissal. New Zealand’s Employment Relations Authority states whilst legally you do not have to give reason for termination during a training period, you are still obligated to act in good faith with the employee. It is recommended that you firstly speak with the individual during their trial to let them know improvement is required and indicate how they are failing to meet your standards. An employee should be afforded the opportunity to improve.
During the attempted termination, the employee was advised her dismission was due to a lack of customer service skills. This was the first time she had been offered feedback regarding this duty.
According to Section F. of the employment agreement, the employer can only end the employment agreement without notice if serious misconduct occurs (see Appendix 3). The employee would like to make you aware that they do not believe they have warranted dismissal by serious misconduct.
It is a legal requirement that you provide your employee a written notice to terminate employment if you believe the employees behaviour, performance, or persistent misconduct warrants dismissal. It is also necessary that you provide a one-month notice period to your employee, as stated in Section F.43.
If you would like to pursue termination of employment, you must provide a written dismissal for the one-month notice period to be set in motion.
For this 28-day period, the employee is still employed at *redacted*. As the employee training contract is only valid until Thursday 29 February, the employee is entitled an increase to minimum wage from Friday 1 March onwards, until the notice period ends 28 days from issuing dismission. The employer can exercise their right to pay the employee in lieu partially, or for the entirety of this period.
It is within good faith that you resolve any issues brought forward by an employee. Appendix 4.5 states that the employer may seek clarification from the employee, it is then a requirement for the employer to discuss and resolve the issue.
Overall, the employee is asking that you reinstate her employment. Alternatively, you must follow the steps outlined above to legally dismiss and compensate the employee.
Regards,
*Redacted*.
*****
Following this, I met with my employer and discussed three resolutions; either reinstate my employment, offer a severance payment, or I lodge a legal complaint with the Employment Relations Authority. Unfortunately, I avoided contacting ERA as I did not want to taint the relationship between my parents and their friends. I met with my boss again the following week to sign the record of settlement drafted by her lawyer. The terms included a new employment agreement be initiated on a date confirmed by both parties. There are some important things to note; this was an S.149 settlement, with mediator certification required. I was verbally told that same day she would devise a new training plan, and it had been disclosed to me on various occasions that I would work full days every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, covering another member of staff who has recently had a child. At the end of our meeting she embraced me, informed me that we would wipe the slate clean and she was looking forward to working with me again. Our interaction felt very genuine.
Over the next month, the couple took a holiday and had their lawyer draft my new employment agreement. Another employee quit during this period due to mistreatment. My parents stopped receiving communications from my boss and her husband.
I received my new contract yesterday and cannot help feeling utterly misled. It states that I will be employed as a workshop employee, despite having no education on workshop practices; this position is vastly different to my prior role as an administrator. It also mentions that I am now required to wear overalls, not the branded office tops which were custom ordered for me in my last role. As mentioned above, I had been informed on multiple occasions that I would work three shifts each week; the new contract proposes that I work only one five-hour shift each Friday. There is no mention of a training programme either.
I established an excellent case with my personal grievance and put so much effort into earning back my job. I was under the impression that I would be returning to the same position when I signed the settlement. In hindsight, I should have made a report with the ERA instead. I am furious that they have pushed me into a corner where I feel that I cannot accept employment. I have read across various sources that a mediator-signed S.149 settlement is incredibly hard to void. What options am I left with now? Is there any way to reopen my last claim? Can I raise a new grievance for unjustified disadvantage? My employer has acted in a way to disadvantage my employment, her actions are also not reasonable or in good faith. Could this count as constructive dismissal although I am not currently employed by the business? They have pressured me to feel that I have no choice except turning down employment, however this is different to resignation which leaves a grey area. I do not feel as though the terms of my contract are up for negotiation, this is incredibly tactical on her behalf and yet another example of why I feel victim to workplace bullying. Is it worthwhile asking her to alter the agreement? The situation feels totally out of my control now. Any advice is appreciated, thank you for reading.

Hi. I’m married 8 years with three children. Last 3 years have been very hard on me mentally. I’m afraid I’m unable to recover.
I few years ago I discovered my wife had stepped out of the marriage. The way I found out was traumatic. I had a very hard time, and still do.
Since then. I did all of the things I was supposed to do. Everything you would read here on bringing your best self. We did some therapy. Things seemed to get better about a year after..
Then suddenly our relationship nosedived again. I’m sure she isn’t cheating.
What seems to be the problem is my ability to heal. I’m nervous, jealous. Just filled with anxiety. I can’t seem to kick it, and since our relationship is rocky again. It’s way worse. My already stressful job has become unbearable. I’m for a lack of a better word. I’m disintegrating. It’s like I’m carrying a load of stress, and if something else piles on. I have a breakdown.
My wife said she doesn’t feel safe because I’m at the point I want to quit my job. Quit my family. Or just split up to try to create space to reconnect. I’m suffering.
She hold on to some bad times we had in the past. Of which we both claim some responsibility. Honestly I thought it was a normal low point for our marriage due to young children. I’m told is very common. So it’s a classic walk away wife scenario. Except my wife remains physically present in our home. But romantically and emotionally. She’s long gone.
At first (3 years ago)she wanted a separation. I resisted. At this point I am beginning to want the separation just to ease my pain. Hopefully resulting in some retrospection on both of our parts.
We are both afraid of the financial, and emotional repercussions for us and our children.
I don’t know what to do. I’m suffering every day. It’s so hard to live in this limbo, and it’s beginning to affect every aspect of my life.
Has anyone here been able to overcome this type of thing? I’ve never been an emotional person. Now I’m an emotional wreck. It’s like something broke in me when I found out.
Please note that I accept a lot of responsibility in the death of our marriage. I’m a classic “Blindsided Man” when I should have known. We both built up a lot of resentment over time, and I handled it poorly. I was angry, and depressed until I drank. I’ve since stopped drinking which has only made my weakened emotional state weaker.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I’m at the point where all of my unhandled stress is effectively killing me.

I posted this to another forum a couple days ago, and a lot of people keep telling me its abuse. I know its not nearly as awful as some of the scenarios here, but I would love some opinions on whats going on. I feel blindsided by the idea that im in an abusive relationship right now, and terrified of it ending. Thank you everyone <3
LINK TO THE ORIGINAL POST: https://www.reddit.com/MMFB/comments/1cs5rhd/i_18m_feel_like_my_girlfriend_18f_is_verbally/
For context, I am in University about 50 miles from where she and my parents live, so I commute every weekend and most weekdays to see her. I love her. Plain and simple, in so many ways. We used to work together until she got a better job recently. Yesterday was her birthday. I made her some cookies common in the continent she's from, and baked them into heart shapes. I also got her 25$ of lottery tickets, flowers, her favorite energy drink, and a handwritten card with a lot of writing and drawings of us and her cat. I dropped it off to her in the morning after an all-nighter (going through it with finals and papers right now) and drove to the University to work my full shift. First she texted me thanking me for the gift, then asked me "what the fuck" those cookies were and that she choked on them. I was sad, told her what they were, and she told me I shouldn't have cooked something as a gift since I'm a bad cook. (I am, but I've made other stuff that she liked in the past). She also complained that the whole point of buying lottery tickets is to buy them, not to scratch them (I disagree?). She texted me that I shouldn't have gotten her anything if it was just going to be low effort.
I saw her later that night after she got out of work, and she was mad at me. She said I ruined her birthday by giving such a low effort gift, and that I didn't care about her. She brought up that I ruined her birthday last year too (by not immediately stopping our text conversation about some other girl and wishing her happy birthday the minute it got past midnight). Anytime I responded that I did put effort into the cookies, she would just deny it. Incredibly frustrating since I know how much effort I put in. She was mad the flowers I got her were not in a boquet, only loose, which didn't make it seem like a special occasion. At the heart of it she was mad that my gifts weren't special? To me the card and cookies were plenty special but she just says that it was stuff I've given her other days. She started calling me ret*rded, to which I responded "You're mean to me and I don't like it". I don't remember much of what she said (I'd had 4 hours of sleep in the past 2 nights), but she doubled down and continued calling me a wide variety of hurtful words, from ret*rded to stupid to childish and immature. I was already long sobbing, and in the middle asked her to just hit me instead. She obviously refused. She asked if I even wanted to go on our trip this upcoming weekend. I responded yes, and she replied that maybe I don't if I don't care about her enough to get her a decent gift.
She's horrifically depressed, and I know she has some specific trauma in response to people not caring about her birthdays. I think that explains part of it. Still, I tried. I am also depressed myself. I've tried bringing it up to her a few times and she responds that I'm "always b*tching too much" because my life is so perfect. Compared to hers its way better, yes, but that doesn't mean I need a reason to be depressed. She's also acted distant the entire Spring semester. I rarely spend time with her, and even more rarely is it time that isn't just "okay we can see each other for 5 minutes but I have to go in". We havent' had sex since January, or cuddling. I very much miss both of these things, and we've had (rare) opportunities for them shes missed because shes too busy sleeping (I'm not allowed in her appartment to join her, mom discovered we had sex).
At the end of being yelled at when she denied me a hug and told me essentially to go away, I had a nervous break. Honestly I've been working too much and I'm overwhelmed with needing to find a new second job and the immense weight of finals and final essays ,things breaking on my car, and now this. I sped off, her and her mom heard my tires squealing and uninvited me from the trip. I drove recklessly for about 2-3 minutes on backroads while scream-crying about killing myself and fighting the urge to drive into a tree. Not proud of it. But I am devastated about missing the trip. She backed out on us living together, and promised we could have time to cuddle on the trip. I honestly don't feel like I have anything to look forward to.
I do a lot for her. I drive two hours round trip every time I want to see her, sometimes even for 5 minutes to drop off some food before going back. I've spent the past academic year working to support our long-standing plans of moving out together (This past weekend was my first time having more than one day off in a row since accompanying her to her surgery in October). I bring her flowers weekly, at work I do all of the hard stuff for her and massage her shoulders if she feels sore. I bring her food from my University and any treats she wants from the surrounding stores. I always ask if she wants anything. I have never said anything hurtful to her. She apologizes when she hurts my feelings too much and she realizes it, like last night. I spend thousands on her, whether jewelry (the most expensive ring she lost), buying her contacts or paying big bills when shes strugglign like drivers' ed or her wheel bearing replacements.
She texted me that shes sorry I'm not going and that she hurt me but I need to control my emotions better. That she loves me so much and regardless of our fights she will always love me so much. I responded that I felt like an unappreciated chore and didnt want to get yelled at. She replied that I'm not a chore she just hasnt had time and has been too depressed to make time for me. We texted a bit and I slept a few hours until my final/work today. She clearly didn't like me defending myself by saying that if i got a present i didnt like i wouldnt call my partner a "worthless ret*rd" by responding "i never called you worthless dont put words in my mouth...i sent you messages apologizing and being worried and your response is victimizing and arguing more...not happy with ruining my birthday? had to go further and ruin the day after?"
We've been texting each other throughout the day happier things. She's been sending me recipes to be a better cook and wants me to see her for 5 minutes after work in about 2 hours from the time of writing. I want to be with her. I love her, I've done so much, I will continue. But I feel like I'm being verbally abused. And I don't know how to stop it. I'm so overwhelmed with everythign in my life and I really just need someone on my side. I think i'll just first establish a rule of not interrupting/yelling and then telling her how hurt and lonely I feel. That I love her and I can totally work with her on managing time for me and depression but that I cannot tolerate verbal abuse.
TLDR: Gave girlfriend cookies for her birthday. She didnt like them and called me a ret*rd. I had a nervous break from other combined stressors, made a scene with reckless driving, got uninvited to a trip with her and her mom. She is texting me recipes and being nice to me today. I will see her in a few hours. I am hurt and overwhelmed with life and just want to be treated like I'm loved.
Thank you readers
EDIT: I would appreciate some more input. I'm so confused and torn. She picked me up today for our talk. I hoped for a long, communicative drive about our relationship and how we can make it better for both of us. She decided we were going to Target and we "might drive around a little" after. It started off wonderful. She said I was mature in a lot of aspects, thanked me for putting up with her, saying she knows its difficult and she appreciates me sticking around with her. It seemed like well-desired clarity for me. I loved it. I thanked her, it validated me. We agreed that we should be there for each other above everything and that communication was important. She gave me the tip of telling her to "think about what you're saying" next time she yells at me and she will stop, and mentioned that we will have a lot more time together when her school ends in "a few weeks". I asked her if she was happy in our relationship and she said absolutely, that if she wasn't she would have already left me (I believe it). She apologized for snapping at me, but said that "if I asked her to cuddle one more time she would" (I've been bringing it up and she keeps telling me when she gets time. Weeks pass, I ask again, she gets mad that she always says the same thing)
We went to Target, and things were good. We talked about other things. She very quickly shifted the conversation. I'd read about avoidant personalities in relationships and brought it up to her in the car that she might be one. She said that stuff was fake and meaningless. I also read that it might be best to approach it with compassion and more "these things make me feel good" as opposed to "this makes me feel bad". She interrupted me and told me to stop because it was annoying me saying "I love you so much". Not what I was going to say. It ended up as another argument, or at least for her. I kept saying that it was important for us to communicate, and that I felt like the problem would come up again if we didn't finish. She said we communicated too much and "why did I have to bring it up" because we moved past it and it ended on a high note and I just had to keep repeating myself and causing an argument and bring it into a negative note. I told her I wasn't arguing she was, and that there was no such thing as "too much" communication for me. For her, she said there was, and that by not shutting up about it I was making little things that she would nitpick and get mad at me for.
I said the lack of communication and connection was stressing me out, she said that I'm always stressed. That she was stressed too, tired with a headache and needing to pack for the trip I was uninvited from. I said maybe we should both go to a psychologist, she replied that she already did and was "fixed" and was waiting on me to finally go.
Since she didn't want to talk about it, I tried to change the subject, but she was silent. Still gave me an "I love you" and told me I'd see her in a week.
Parents are telling me to run away that she's toxic and manipulative. Same with you people here. I deeply appreciate the advice, its just really really hard to think of it this way. I thought I would marry her. I still hope she can change and I can, but it just seems increasingly unlikely. It's heartbreaking, I love so much about her, miss so much about her, and being alone is terrifying. I fear if I did leave as everyone is suggesting I may not find another person like her that I love as much.
My current plan, I'll just focus on myself and kind of "clock out" of the idea that she is the only person I am capable of loving and that she treats me perfectly while still being supportive of her for the next few weeks. I still have some hope that she'll be better in the weeks shes free. I don't know, I'll just focus on my life and put her on the same priority she puts me.

I got recruited to start a new function at a small-ish biopharma company (800 ppl). I have 20 plus years of experience working in big pharma, and was looking for something different so I took the job. Come to find out after I took the job that the company had made some native decisions in order to keep a particular program afloat, resulting in a huge resource drain. So I ended up having to roll up my sleeves and go deep into executing their shitty plan, bandaiding lots of issues that were popping up, and trying to figure out how to resource all the extra work that was created by the decisions made before I got there. Not a big deal, except that by having to go deep into project management in order to keep the program afloat, I was left with zero time to ."Start the New Function". Today my boss told me that leaders from other functions are questioning my capabilities as Head of the Department I was hired to create. Maybe they're right-maybe I should've prioritized things differently (in favor of creating the department vs pulling their program out of the fire).
Any advice on what my next move should be? I have considered everything from trying to defend myself to asking for exactly what it is that I'm NOT doing, to quitting.
I should also note that my boss left the country for 2 weeks immediately after I started to attend to a family emergency and upon return his organization tripled in size so he has devoted very little time to onboarding me or providing input. Until today. I was blindsided. And I'm not convinced that the leaders in the other function that delivered this assessment to my boss are actually qualified in any way to make such a judgement. It was their shitty decisions that created the current situation even though a whole host of expert consultants told them it was a shitty decision.
Really interested to hear what y'all have to say. What would you do in this situation?

Note please don't call me dad.
But yes! Hello it's my first time on reddit! A little-lot about me:

1. I first used reddit as of posting this about 2-ish weeks ago but I've shadowed Reddit for much longer. I never wanted to make an account due to shyness, confusing rules, and the dreaded censorship that seems to plague every platform. (Plz don't ban me reddit, I beg.) However due to my introvertedness taking over more and more, now seemed like a good a time as any!
   
2. Yep! The name comes from a Nickelodeon cartoon, and if I have to explain from: ¹ how dare you. ² we can't be friends!
   
3. I browsed over hundreds of subreddits, always thinking if I ever did join - where would I start? I had ideas of where, but not-so-much when...And given said strict rules, I always thought I had a knit and knack for sentence structure, spelling and grammar as I've been complimented on my penmanship and organization skills...yet, reddit I'm sure will truly test me on that. I've been out of an English class for many, many years now. So forgive me in advance I'll try my best!
   
4. Speaking of many, many years - I'm not so young and not so old either! It's a mystery. And as per reddit guidelines to not share sensitive information - I suppose I will keep it that way. You'll just have to think of me as an enigmatic mr. magoo-like shape; formless in the hands of it's users, but an organized cut figure in staunch of his allies. Think of Inspector gadget except more mysterious. (And who trips on his own shoelaces.) So...basically Timmy's dad!
   
5. I'm a gamer, hobbiest writer and photographer, and a perspective teacher (in my former years) and I plan on adding a bit of each into their respective subreddit categories in some form of time. I write amateur poetry from time to time, stemming from natural & creative to erotic prose gasp! and when I feel like it - short stories. I tend to also gravitate towards shapeable wordless songs and giving them my own spin (like ost's), as well as coming up with songs lyrics of my own. I went to a magnet school in my younger years for all of the above forms of writing as well as screenwriting and playwriting. All of this is fun to me and that's the extent of it. Nothing more. If you stumble upon any of my former pieces searching for an answer as to why I wrote some of the things I said, or why I said them...it comes down to just whatever floats into my peripheral vision in that given moment; sometimes it's music that inspires me, and othertimes it's just what needs to be said. And hey, sometimes I'm blindsided by my blindspots. And other, other, some times I stop using the word "time" so often! Grrr!
   
6. As for games, I'm a replayer of not-so-old games that are not so timeless, but not-so new anymore eiGarrett! This is mainly due to financial tightness and that older games charm I can't forget. Games such as:
   

• Kingdom Hearts 358/2 days (and all it's entries, except Unchained X)
• Resident Evil 4
• Uncharted 3 (and all it's entries, except Golden Abyss)
• Breath of the Wild
• Sonic Advance 2 & 3
• Yugioh 5d's Wheelie Breakers
• Yugioh 5d's world championship 2011: Over the Nexus
• Yugioh Tagforce 4 & 5
• Destiny 1 & 2
• Apex Legends

(There are others, but these are some games I hold dear that come off the top of my head.)
I've found games sometimes help shape and induce flow-like states to help us ease into transitions of moment-to-moment actions defining our playable characters, some. Or in other cases, defining ourselves most when we need to caught between a rock and a hard place...like in a gunfight...(I'm looking you Apex Legends, Uncharted, and Destiny.) But yes, in those instances - I've found that what help shape me along with some of the game's life-lessons taught to our characters, did indeed help shape me into the person I am today. (Inb4 someone says I identify as Harumo-chan the master of hoe-jitsu), lol no I'm saying the best parts about our characters can help shape us sometimes without us even knowing it. (But Harumo-chan did help shape me Timmy, why can't you see that?) More power to you then. The best parts for some and the worser parts for others i suppose. :P
6½. What i mean to the last point is, part of my strength I've found is from when I draw strength from other strong characters I've seen and what they've been through; (or put you through and thus you're going through the sh*t-show together.) Characters that have really inspired me are probably namely Sora, Riku & Roxas from Kingdom Hearts, Nathan Drake from Uncharted, Sonic, and Yusei from Yugioh 5d's. I know, very adult of me right? Mm, I am interested however where others draw their strength from? Which form of medium do they choose, why did they choose it and who do they draw strength from if not in a show or game?
I could talk about why I choose these individual characters but I believe that's best suited for another thread/post. P.s. as for tv shows though? A huge inspiration i draw from is Rick, from the walking dead. I don't watch many new shows anymore. (As for why that is, maybe that's also best suited for another post.)

1. Speaking of shows - I don't really have time to watch anime all that much but some influential ones I've grown to be very fond of are:

• Yugioh 5d's (subbed)
• Sword Art Online (subbed) and season 1 only
• Soul Eater
• Avatar: The Last Airbender (yes this counts lol)
• DragonBall Super (subbed)
• Soul Eater
• Gundam
• Golden Time (one of the first anime's I've cried to, though that was a long time ago, would be interesting if I have the same reaction rewatching it. All I remember is getting exceptionally emotional and invested which was out of the usual for me. Although I can't remember which part got me the most.)

There are others, and I've seen all series of Yugioh and DragonBall alike, but these in particular stood out to me. For DragonBall Super mostly due to the absolute insanity the tournament of power was and that last fight. I've seen other animes or stopped, started and stopped again as I couldn't get invested into them. That's why Golden Time really took me by surprise. Same with Yugioh 5d's and S1 of Sword Art Online. I am interested to see what other subreddits with differing views on what sorts of animes other people prefer or recommend I watch.
Same with games, music or movies.
To wrap up,
Tldr; you can call me Timmy (Timmm-aH!) For short, or even shorter than short - dad, just don't get weird with it, (unless?...no I'm joking, unless?...) and I'm here like anyone else to peruse reddit on useful or entertaining things!
Anything else I'll either edit this big jumbo post or add on later!
Sincerely,
Dad.

Feeling a bit raw after a recent breakup. I had been seeing this guy for a little over two months, and things seemed promising. We were still in the getting-to-know-each-other phase, but I was genuinely happy and believed we were on the same page. Plenty of cute "can't wait to see you" texts and such. We even made tentative plans for the future. He has many qualities I admire in a partner, so when things started to shift, I was blindsided.
It all came to a head this past weekend when I realized that our dynamic had changed. What was once multiple hangouts per week had dwindled to once or twice a week, in the past two weeks and I realized that I was the one initiating plans. I initially chalked it up to him being sick and his mom visiting, but after a few days of this pattern, I couldn't ignore the imbalance. I guess this was the first sign that something was wrong but I guess I was just in happy dreamland before I put the pieces together.
I decided to confront him about it, expressing my hurt over his recent lack of interest in spending time together. That's when he brought up his concerns: he felt something was missing, and he couldn't gauge my enthusiasm for him. This caught me off guard because I felt I had been showing my interest in various ways, I was VERY physically affectionate and we would both initiate texting at a somewhat equal rate (he maye did a bit more) .
However, he had a different perception. He mentioned feeling my affection was "lackluster" and even went as far as to say some of it felt "masculine-coded," which made him uncomfortable. He mentioned one time when I came up from behind him and hugged him and a time we were cuddling when I shifted his body so his head was on my chest. I found this strange since I've always seen physical affection as gender-neutral and enjoy expressing it in various forms with my partners.
He also brought up the topic of sexual intimacy, claiming I didn't seem as interested as he was. This wasn't the case; while I do take a bit of time to get sexually comfortable with new partners. We'd had conversations about what we both like in bed and were on the same page. Anyway, I said I was glad to know his feeling and was more than happy to up the sexual ante. If my partners tell me they'd like me to do more of something, I'm more than happy to give it a shot.
What frustrated me most was that he never explicitly raised these concerns before our conversation. We could have addressed them together if given the chance. He said he had been really horny that day and wanted to send me an explicit text but didn't know how it would be received. At this point, I told him that I didn't want to force him to be with me, but I really liked him and found him really hot and felt the issues could be solved with more communication. We even ended the conversation on a seemingly positive note, including some sexting afterward.
Then today, after some flirtatious messages, he called and essentially ended things, reiterating his feeling that something was missing. We revisited our previous conversation, and he reiterated feeling my affection was lackluster and uncomfortable due to what he perceived as "masculine-coded" gestures. He also mentioned feeling like I wasn't receptive to deeper conversations about our relationship, which left me confused as I felt content and didn't have concerns that warranted deeper conversations. If he had wanted to initiate those conversations, I would have been receptive.
I'm rereading this and feeling kind of pathetic. When you read it, I guess it's clear he was losing interest. I guess I was just hoping it would come back because I did really like him. I have been actively trying to work on my communication skills, but I am hurt because I feel like this guy didn't communicate, and then when he finally did, it was too late. I want people to feel like they can talk to me about issues; I'm not just some cold, lackluster person. It hurts and concerns me to hear that I come off unenthused and not interested/willing to have deeper conversations. I guess if he had wanted to communicate, he would have, and he chose not to. Just wanted to get this off my chest.
Update: I received a text from this guy today saying, 'Late last night I had a question for you, are you consistently self-medicated? Smoking weed before we hang out, etc.' I was pissed when I opened that text and replied, 'No, what would I be self-medicated for?' He proceeded to send me texts about how I seemingly smoke a lot of weed, so he was wondering if we had only been together after I smoked. He said, 'You seem very low-key, so maybe the weed plays a part?' Seriously? I will smoke a little weed at night after work to unwind. I've always had a full time job, I'm not high all the time, and I really don't drink or use any other drugs. So sue me. I replied, 'I don't see being low-key as a bad thing or feel like I'm not emotionally receptive or open to feedback, so not sure what else I can say.' He replied, 'I said nothing of it being bad, my apologies.' Seriously? You dump me then text me the next day to ask if I'm self-medicating? Did not ask for this guy to unwarrantedly try to psychoanalyze me, or propose that maybe I have a drug problem. We broke up, he should worry about himself now. I will take my masculine affection and lackluster nature and go elsewhere! He can get back with his most recent ex that was committed to a mental hospital for all I care.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Ok-Firefighter602 posting in AmItheAsshole and his user account
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 29th April 2023
Update - 22nd May 2023
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AITA for breaking a promise and attending my stepdaughter's graduation?
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I’ll start by explaining some backstory. I (54M) lost my first wife when my son (25M) and daughter (22F) were ages 9 and 12, Both my kids took it as hard as you would expect and to this day have a poor relationship with both my current wife "Doreen (49F)" and my stepdaughter "Amy (18F)". I started dating Doreen about 4 months after my first wife passed, as such my kids believe I cheated on their mom. Amy was 5 when we got together and as such I see her as my own daughter.
On to the actual story, 4 years ago, two days before Kay's high school graduation, Amy got very ill while visiting her grandparents and ended up needing emergency surgery. My wife and I rushed to be with Amy and admittedly I did not communicate well with Kay. At the time Kay didn't pick up my calls, so I left her a voicemail and several text messages explaining what happened and telling Kay I was sorry but I would make it up to her. A few hours go by and I get a call from Kay, she is in hysterics telling me what a terrible father I am and stated that if I did not attend her graduation I would be dead to her. I chose to support Amy.
True to her words, Kay did not contact me on the day of her graduation. And when came home Kay's things had been moved out of the house with a note explaining that we were no longer family and to never contact her again.
Luckily Kay and I were able to reconcile, however, I promised her I would give her absolutely anything in the world to make her forgive me. She said that she would forgive me as long as I refused to attend Amy's graduation as this was the only way to make it fair. I agreed at the time thinking she was just joking or angry and would soon forget.
This leads me to now. Invitations for Amy's graduation went out, and despite all the hostility Amy wanted to make sure Kay got one. Kay called Amy later that day and said she would be unable to attend as she and I would be spending the day together per our agreement. Amy broke down into tears asking me why I was missing her graduation, I assured her I was not and that I would speak to Kay. Later I explained to Kay that I simply could not miss Amy's graduation. Kay launched into a tirade about how I was a liar and an asshole and how could I do this to her again. I told her that we would talk when she calmed down and she said we would never talk again.
My son, and several of our extended family have all taken Kay's side saying I didn't see how hurt she was at graduation. My wife believes I am the asshole for even promising that in the first place as I should have known it would only upset one or both girls. And Amy is just sad and confused wondering why Kay hates her. I know keeping my promise and not attending Amy's graduation is probably the only way to salvage my relationship with Kay, but no matter how I look at it I would feel like I'm punishing Amy for having a medical issue, so am I the asshole?
EDIT to add some relevant info.
I NEVER cheated on my first wife. your accusations are honestly tiring and disgusting.
Amy's Bio father was never in her life. I am NOT Amy's Biological father, that wasn't ever even in question as we are not the same race.
Amy had appendicitis, she was staying over 4 hours away at her grandparent's house. at the time that we left the only info Doreen's mother would give us was she passed out and wouldn't wake up.
My daughter was moved out of our house for about a month and a half after which we made up and she returned to live with us for another 2 years before going away to school.
I did not believe Kay when she said she wanted me to miss Amy's graduation as it seemed like a ridiculous request. despite what you all may believe our relationship was fine after this event we were in near-daily contact and she would frequently visit us.
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Comments
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Angry-trans
YTA And have been for years. You are a bad father. Kay is correct. You are a liar. You've done nothing to prioritize Kay ever since your new family rolled in. Your relationship with your daughter is dead and the blood is on your hands.
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calliatom
Seriously though... you never should have promised Kay that, knowing full well that you had no intention of keeping your word. And now you're being a bad father to Amy too, by trying to use her tears and guilt to dig yourself out of the grave you dug yourself with Kay.
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CryptographerSuch753
Seems like all op cared about was getting his way in the moment. Seems like that may be a pattern
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victoria12345678909
YTA - you replaced your kids mom with a new family 4 months after she died! Your kids lost their mom so young and you don’t seem like you prioritized their feelings or helped them deal with things, instead you moved on fast. Kay didn’t have a mother to attend her graduation and she needed you there. Could you not have driven to the grad then back to the hospital?
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LadyDerri
Ten to One that Amy is his daughter. That's why he favors her.
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Comments from OOP

Amy ended up having to get an emergency appendectomy, but at the time was visiting her Grandparents about a 4 hour drive from where we lived. Her grandmother didn't give us too much relevant information before we left, just that she had passed out and wouldn't wake up. On the way there we didn't know her condition or anything because her grandmother is a non-native English speaker and didn't understand a lot of the medical terms. once we got there and signed off on the surgery she ended up needing an additional 2 days in the hospital and wanted both of us by her side. During this time I repeatedly called and texted both my mother and son who were planning to attend the ceremony. I had every intention of calling/ video calling so that I could still support her, but she told everyone she didn't want me to be a part of it.

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I didn't immediately move in Doreen and Amy once we started dating, we dated for over 2 years before we moved in together. My wife's death was not a sudden thing she battled cancer on and off for years before she passed. My children already knew/ were comfortable with Doreen as she was my late wife's best friend so I thought they would enjoy having her around more. I offered both children grief counseling, my son took me up on it, and I took Kay to a few sessions but she would kick/ scream/ cry every time I took her finally the counselor decided that forcing her before she was ready would only worsen her grief. I offered her therapy many times over the years, but she never took me up on it.

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first of all, I knew Doreen for years before I even met my late wife, in fact, Doreen introduced us. I thought my kids would like having Doreen around as before my wife passed they loved her like an aunt. I did not move her in or make her a permanent part of our daily lives until over 2 years into our relationship. four months after my wife passed we agreed to explore our romantic feelings I explained what was going on in age-appropriate terms so they wouldn't be blindsided if they caught their dad kissing their "aunt".

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**Judgement - YTA*\*
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Update - 1 month later
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I wasn't sure if I wanted to post an update after the reaction I got last time, I can stomach death threats against myself but directing such hatred toward my children was truly disturbing. But the graduation has come and gone and I thought I should share how it all went down. I'm sure most of you will be displeased.
Amy was mad at me for a few days, but we have a strong bond and she quickly got over it. The saint that she is said she would understand if I wanted to miss it to make it up to Kay. I told her I wouldn't do that to her and reassured her that she has done nothing wrong.
As for the elephant in the room, Kay, she and my son live in the same city and work in the same field so they're as close as ever. My son and his partner were giving her a lot of emotional support at this time. In the end, she decided not to attend Amy's graduation but sent flowers and a card with my son. There were a lot of nasty messages directed toward her, which I feel is completely unacceptable. She isn't mean or vindictive. She is a smart, very kind, very empathetic woman. She made a bizarre ultimatum as a confused and hurt teenager I certainly don't think that makes her a bad person.
I know all of you seem to think I hate my children, but the amount of pain I feel at the deterioration of my relationship with my daughter is unexplainable, I've been on and off anti-depressants since the death of my wife and at my therapist's suggestion will be going back on them. it's taking all of my willpower not to reach out to her again, but I've already disrespected her wishes enough. She can choose to reach out to me when and if she ever wants to again and I'll be waiting.
I know it's not the most impactful update and I'm sure most of you wanted to see me left miserable and alone, but I don't live my life for anyone else's entertainment. I can accept that I'm the asshole, maybe I'm an asshole in general, but I'm not some evil monster that you all want me to be. I'm a man that made the mistake of sharing his problems with the internet a mistake I won't be making again. I probably won't delete this account, but I'm not gonna be updating in the future. goodbye.
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Comments
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YogurtclosetWeird789
Look OP I get that you're human, just a man.
But you can't get away with the I made mistakes because you make the same ones over and over again.
I don't understand trolls and stupid people with the death threats or nasty messages about your kids it's wrong and disgusting.
The only issue here is YOU! The fact that claim to love Kay and how it is breaking your heart that she wants nothing to do with you is your own fault, every 'mistake' you made and repeated always seems to be against her. I don't actually think you care about Kay all that much as you still have Amy.
Now you've decided oh well I've fucked up again and made so many mistakes I'll just leave her alone and not confront the fact you failed her as a supportive father. OWN IT, Change your damn ways.
Believe me, you're not the worst dad out there. but you are a shitty one to Kay.
When will you wake up and realise without the self-pity that YOU have to be the one to make amends. Why on earth would she contact you?
Do you not care that one day she will get married and you won't be invited to the wedding or even to walk her down the aisle? When she has her first child and you find out through the grapevine instead of being a Grandpa?
Maybe one day she will forgive you, but not if your solution is to just give her space! seems to me she had a lot of space from you already. All she wanted was your time and sole attention for a bit, and you've never been able to give her that. I feel for both your son and daughter because it seems you have a favourite and you don't care as long as Amy is ok.
Let me guess and say your wife thinks it's best to give her the space? Amy may be a nice girl but I bet your wife has encouraged your behaviour.
It's honestly sad.
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OOP: I'm giving Kay space because that's what she said she wants, I can't do anything other than that. No matter what I'm gonna still be there for her any way I can, but for the time being, I'm not going to pester her or beg for forgiveness because that's not what she wants. I HAVE made mistakes and at the top of that list is not listening to my children when they tell me exactly what they need from me.

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AAP_BH
Even in this follow up post the way you speak about Kay, the disgust you feel for her oozes out. You claim so many people spoke badly of her in your previous post but those comments were minimal compared to the people that spoke badly of YOU, YOUR WIFE AND SAINT AMY but you don’t mention that, you still want Kay to be the “bad” daughter. Saying her request was “sad and bizarre” no it wasn’t.
It’s so convenient that this is when all of a sudden you realize you need to and will listen to Kay, not when she was begging you to choose her for once since your dear saint Amy came into your life. All you had to do was not go to a High School graduation and you couldn’t even do that.
You’re a horrible father to Kay and you will continue to be one. The fact that you still made the decision to put Amy over your freaking daughter is so sad, the fact that you cared so much more over Amy being upset over letting Kay down again says a lot. Leave Kay alone, don’t ever contact her again unless it’s to say flat out to her face that you are stepping down as a father since you know you will never be able to giver her the love and attention you give your true daughter Amy, that Amy will always come first. I had peritonitis, I was in the hospital (at 8yrs old) for almost a year on and off and my mom would leave to work , she was a single mother, and I was fine. Amy was a teenager, had A MOTHER AND GRANDPARENTS, she had appendicitis a common procedure, 2 freaking days before your daughters graduation and you couldn’t leave just for a day bc “Amy wanted me by her side”. My heart aches for Kay, knowing she is pretty much an orphan. Ughh parents like you I don’t freaking understand, you should’ve given up your rights as a father the moment you decided that your new family was more important than your children. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much hate for a stranger on Reddit.
ETA— by the way you sad excuse of a man, you didn’t make a mistake you made various CHOICES and DECISIONS to deliberately hurt your daughter. You DECIDED TO PUT AMY FIRST. You’re no victim, the only victim here is your ex daughter, Kay and probably her brother as well
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Soft_Consequence2262
Oh Amy the Saint.... I got the same vibes. The Father is trying to paint Kay as the bad person that he needs to defend. Yet, can't go past without a shout out to how AMAZING Amy is... actually gives me the creeps. Feels like he has some weird obsession with her perfection.
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[deleted]
Yeah the Amy the Saint really rubbed me the wrong way. It’s sad that despite everything, OP is still so delusional. I wish Kay a life of happiness, even if it means she would go NC with OP for life.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I see a lot of people freaking out over why Maria told Q the vote wasn’t on him when Charlie told her it was, but from what I saw in the episode it makes a lot of sense.
Here’s how I see the timeline:
-Maria and Q decide to vote for Charlie
-Q tells Liz and Kenzie that he and Maria are voting for Charlie (important to note that Maria wasn’t at this conversation, and we weren’t ever shown Q telling her it happened)
-Liz and Kenzie approach Maria and say that they were talking and think Charlie needs to go home. Maria now thinks they’re on the same page and locked in to Blindside Charlie. (And I’m assuming use Q as a decoy)
-Charlie tells Maria that the plan is to vote Q and that everyone is voting for him, but since he’s “being blindsided” by Q, Maria, Liz, and Kenzie, it makes sense that he’d say this
-confident that everything is lined up for the Charlie blindside, Maria tells Q he’s safe not to play his idol.
I do think Maria made a mistake by falling for Kenzie and Liz’s trap, but I can see why she did

I posted this to csmajors recently and only now have enough comment karma to post here, and thought I could get some opinions on this here. Previous post
I just got a PIP (performance improvement plan) from my manager recently, slightly over 1 YOE. It was completely unexpected based on PR in January and recent one on ones. The letter my manager wrote was extremely harshly worded and slightly unfair in my opinion.
When they went over it with me their attitude was not in any way adversarial, maybe even having a light and encouraging tone, yet the letter that was typed out could not be more strongly worded and accusatory.
Looking back on my PR and very recent meeting notes, there were no indications of any performance issues, and I met or exceeded expectations on PR. The issues mentioned in the letter were addressing work I completed a few months ago were very specific and were not brought up at any point before the PIP.
From an objective perspective, I could see how my performance could improve on past projects, however my manager did not express any concerns to me, even told me I did a good job. I feel blindsided and would very much like to switch companies. I have been applying for the past few months with no offer though.
How should I proceed in this case? Speaking to my manager in person, they seem more or less lighthearted about the PIP, and the tasks seem achievable, but I can't get over the wording of the letter.
I'm also trying to understand why this would happen, I cant tell if my manager was pressured to do this or what is going on at this company. I can't tell if they want to layoff or if they actually want me to improve. It's at a non-tech company and the duration a month. Thanks