I love him phone signatures
Apple iOS
2010.06.12 16:51 blogbod Apple iOS
iOS - Developed by Apple Inc.
2008.01.25 06:34 r/iPhone
Reddit’s little corner for iPhone lovers (and some people who just mildly enjoy it…)
2009.11.23 04:28 /r/French
Bienvenue sur /French ! We're an inclusive community for those learning the French language. Read the sidebar before posting!
2024.05.14 13:48 SurpriseKind2520 My friend has a man but comes to me to borrow money
She always asks for $50 here and there until she gets her next paycheck so that she can get gas or she is short on her phone bill. I used to say yes but then I started to think that she lives with a whole man, why is she coming to me ? Also, the last time she didn’t pay me back and I had to ask for it back.
If you are with a man and he doesn’t make sure you have what you need then why be with him? There needs to be more than love. Relationships are financial too. She needs to leave that mf and move in with her family instead of staying in this struggle love relationship with a man who can’t afford her. What are some of your boundaries for lending money to people?
submitted by SurpriseKind2520 to blackladies [link] [comments]
If you are with a man and he doesn’t make sure you have what you need then why be with him? There needs to be more than love. Relationships are financial too. She needs to leave that mf and move in with her family instead of staying in this struggle love relationship with a man who can’t afford her. What are some of your boundaries for lending money to people?
2024.05.14 13:29 Nostalgia_town [BOATS] Tale of a train journey
It was a winter morning, and I was standing on the railway station of Adityapur, one of Asia’s largest industrial hubs in the outskirts of Jamshedpur, formally known as TATANAGAR, the city known for TATAs & their steel. I updated my current whereabouts to my mother just before boarding the Tata-Gua passenger train, sounding her on my expected time to reach home. I was visiting home after 2 months, the longest interval in the 3.5 years at NIT Jamshedpur due to my business around hosting the first alumni meet of NIT Jamshedpur and a 15-day train travel across India through Jagriti Yatra. I was just carrying my laptop bag as it was a usual 2/3-day trip and I just had my Compaq laptop, a change of clothes & charger to be precise beside my small blue denim wallet & a Samsung smart phone. In 2012, smart phones were just stepping in and my brother-in law was generous enough to lend it to me to take pictures of the places I visit & the events I attend during Jagriti Yatra. Jagriti Yatra is a train ride across India with 600 yatris from different countries, different walks of life who embark on this journey to learn about various social & business enterprise. In that day’s train journey, I was travelling with a batchmate who would get down 2 stations before mine. We’d travel together many times during the four years, and we’d always take the morning train instead of the evening one. It was a passenger train which was always very crowded, and it passed through many small stations in that belt which were dimly lit, these stations were primarily existing to connect industries to the mining towns of Noamundi, Barbil, Jhinkpani and had goods trains plying with iron ore, limestone, cement, so evening trains seemed unsafe for girls travelling alone. Jhinkpani was a small town in that belt with a cement factory, ACC Cements, and a residential township for it. My dad had booked the station trip which was a Maruti Van to ply the resident of the colony from station to the colony which was around 3 kms away & there was no public transport available in this route. I was waiting to board the train all excited to show my parents the pictures of the Yatra clicked on the borrowed smart phone, I’d also met my sister and niece at Visakhapatnam while we visited Akshaya Patra mega kitchen and I remember getting clicked a cute photo of me holding my niece at the station but my excitement was short lived as soon as I kept the phone in the small zipper pocket of my laptop bag. I was modestly dressed in a kurta and leggings, without pockets of-course, pockets are a recent phenomenon in women’s Indian clothing. So, my phone and wallet were always kept in the bag.
As I boarded the train along with around 20 other people from that gate, I felt a sudden force pulling me back, but I managed to steer my way inside but with an eerie feeling, I quickly reached out to check the tiny pocket immediately only to find that both the wallet & the borrowed phone were gone. A shiver ran up my spine and I started to feel numb. There was Rs 200 in cash in that wallet which was a month of pocket money, my SBI ATM card and college i-card. Now, having zero cash, no phone I went about near the gate to see if I can find it, I spoke to couple of people but barely anyone knew Hindi, and it struck me real hard that reaching home was my single motto now. Although scared that I would be scolded by parents for being reckless, I had a sinking feeling as to how would I break this news to my sister & my brother-in-law whose smart phone I’d lost, what would I do about all the lost contacts that I’d woven so meticulously while organizing the alumni meet, what of the memories that I’d captured during the Yatra. My brain started to fizzle with all these entrapping thoughts when my friend shook me to bring me back to the dreaded train which was my reality then and I started planning my next course of action. I first called my mother from my friend’s phone to tell her about the loss, she comforted me and then she informed my dad to arrange a vehicle from the station, the trip was booked but it’d sometimes leave passengers if there are more people than capacity or not turn up due to technical glitch in the age old van that was used. My friend got down at Chaibasa and my heart started racing more as people around me in the train knew my situation and vulnerability and I tried to pose a strong and confident front. The train took more than 20 minutes to travel 17 kms but for me it seemed like ages, the sight of Jhinkpani station never made me so relieved. I quickly deboarded the train, holding on to my bag tightly this time and found a friend waiting there in his Maruti 800. He happened to have met my dad while coming to the station for a personal work and my dad asked him to pick me as well. I finally reached home travelling without a phone and a penny in pocket, my mom was so glad to see me safe and sound. I was taken aback a little to see her overtly calm demeanor at the face of such an adversary and having no concern whatsoever for my lost phone or the wallet. She prayed and thanked God for my safe return and narrated about her dream which she saw about me the previous night. She was very disturbed by it, and she’d been praying from dawn that day for my well-being as the dream was a very bad omen for me. She felt relieved that it was only few items that were lost, and I was completely unharmed. Mother’s love manifests in mysterious ways I thought while gobbling on my favorite sambar, rice that afternoon. Meanwhile, my dad deactivated my ATM card and arranged an old makeshift phone for me to be used in the remaining two months of college. When I sit back to think, I always think about my mother’s reaction and feel relieved that it happened, may be a way to appease myself of the guilt of not thinking through that somebody must have noticed me putting the phone in the small pocket and chanced upon it in the crowd while boarding. To compensate for the loss of phone, I gifted my sister with a digital camera after I started earning 4 months down from this incident. From then on, I never kept anything valuable in such obvious places in public while I maneuvered my ways in Delhi’s metro or the local trains of Mumbai, in the buses of Visakhapatnam or in the streets of Paris. I hold my wallet tight and my phone close.
submitted by Nostalgia_town to story [link] [comments]
As I boarded the train along with around 20 other people from that gate, I felt a sudden force pulling me back, but I managed to steer my way inside but with an eerie feeling, I quickly reached out to check the tiny pocket immediately only to find that both the wallet & the borrowed phone were gone. A shiver ran up my spine and I started to feel numb. There was Rs 200 in cash in that wallet which was a month of pocket money, my SBI ATM card and college i-card. Now, having zero cash, no phone I went about near the gate to see if I can find it, I spoke to couple of people but barely anyone knew Hindi, and it struck me real hard that reaching home was my single motto now. Although scared that I would be scolded by parents for being reckless, I had a sinking feeling as to how would I break this news to my sister & my brother-in-law whose smart phone I’d lost, what would I do about all the lost contacts that I’d woven so meticulously while organizing the alumni meet, what of the memories that I’d captured during the Yatra. My brain started to fizzle with all these entrapping thoughts when my friend shook me to bring me back to the dreaded train which was my reality then and I started planning my next course of action. I first called my mother from my friend’s phone to tell her about the loss, she comforted me and then she informed my dad to arrange a vehicle from the station, the trip was booked but it’d sometimes leave passengers if there are more people than capacity or not turn up due to technical glitch in the age old van that was used. My friend got down at Chaibasa and my heart started racing more as people around me in the train knew my situation and vulnerability and I tried to pose a strong and confident front. The train took more than 20 minutes to travel 17 kms but for me it seemed like ages, the sight of Jhinkpani station never made me so relieved. I quickly deboarded the train, holding on to my bag tightly this time and found a friend waiting there in his Maruti 800. He happened to have met my dad while coming to the station for a personal work and my dad asked him to pick me as well. I finally reached home travelling without a phone and a penny in pocket, my mom was so glad to see me safe and sound. I was taken aback a little to see her overtly calm demeanor at the face of such an adversary and having no concern whatsoever for my lost phone or the wallet. She prayed and thanked God for my safe return and narrated about her dream which she saw about me the previous night. She was very disturbed by it, and she’d been praying from dawn that day for my well-being as the dream was a very bad omen for me. She felt relieved that it was only few items that were lost, and I was completely unharmed. Mother’s love manifests in mysterious ways I thought while gobbling on my favorite sambar, rice that afternoon. Meanwhile, my dad deactivated my ATM card and arranged an old makeshift phone for me to be used in the remaining two months of college. When I sit back to think, I always think about my mother’s reaction and feel relieved that it happened, may be a way to appease myself of the guilt of not thinking through that somebody must have noticed me putting the phone in the small pocket and chanced upon it in the crowd while boarding. To compensate for the loss of phone, I gifted my sister with a digital camera after I started earning 4 months down from this incident. From then on, I never kept anything valuable in such obvious places in public while I maneuvered my ways in Delhi’s metro or the local trains of Mumbai, in the buses of Visakhapatnam or in the streets of Paris. I hold my wallet tight and my phone close.
2024.05.14 13:28 Nostalgia_town [BOATS] Tale of a train journey
It was a winter morning, and I was standing on the railway station of Adityapur, one of Asia’s largest industrial hubs in the outskirts of Jamshedpur, formally known as TATANAGAR, the city known for TATAs & their steel. I updated my current whereabouts to my mother just before boarding the Tata-Gua passenger train, sounding her on my expected time to reach home. I was visiting home after 2 months, the longest interval in the 3.5 years at NIT Jamshedpur due to my business around hosting the first alumni meet of NIT Jamshedpur and a 15-day train travel across India through Jagriti Yatra. I was just carrying my laptop bag as it was a usual 2/3-day trip and I just had my Compaq laptop, a change of clothes & charger to be precise beside my small blue denim wallet & a Samsung smart phone. In 2012, smart phones were just stepping in and my brother-in law was generous enough to lend it to me to take pictures of the places I visit & the events I attend during Jagriti Yatra. Jagriti Yatra is a train ride across India with 600 yatris from different countries, different walks of life who embark on this journey to learn about various social & business enterprise. In that day’s train journey, I was travelling with a batchmate who would get down 2 stations before mine. We’d travel together many times during the four years, and we’d always take the morning train instead of the evening one. It was a passenger train which was always very crowded, and it passed through many small stations in that belt which were dimly lit, these stations were primarily existing to connect industries to the mining towns of Noamundi, Barbil, Jhinkpani and had goods trains plying with iron ore, limestone, cement, so evening trains seemed unsafe for girls travelling alone. Jhinkpani was a small town in that belt with a cement factory, ACC Cements, and a residential township for it. My dad had booked the station trip which was a Maruti Van to ply the resident of the colony from station to the colony which was around 3 kms away & there was no public transport available in this route. I was waiting to board the train all excited to show my parents the pictures of the Yatra clicked on the borrowed smart phone, I’d also met my sister and niece at Visakhapatnam while we visited Akshaya Patra mega kitchen and I remember getting clicked a cute photo of me holding my niece at the station but my excitement was short lived as soon as I kept the phone in the small zipper pocket of my laptop bag. I was modestly dressed in a kurta and leggings, without pockets of-course, pockets are a recent phenomenon in women’s Indian clothing. So, my phone and wallet were always kept in the bag.
As I boarded the train along with around 20 other people from that gate, I felt a sudden force pulling me back, but I managed to steer my way inside but with an eerie feeling, I quickly reached out to check the tiny pocket immediately only to find that both the wallet & the borrowed phone were gone. A shiver ran up my spine and I started to feel numb. There was Rs 200 in cash in that wallet which was a month of pocket money, my SBI ATM card and college i-card. Now, having zero cash, no phone I went about near the gate to see if I can find it, I spoke to couple of people but barely anyone knew Hindi, and it struck me real hard that reaching home was my single motto now. Although scared that I would be scolded by parents for being reckless, I had a sinking feeling as to how would I break this news to my sister & my brother-in-law whose smart phone I’d lost, what would I do about all the lost contacts that I’d woven so meticulously while organizing the alumni meet, what of the memories that I’d captured during the Yatra. My brain started to fizzle with all these entrapping thoughts when my friend shook me to bring me back to the dreaded train which was my reality then and I started planning my next course of action. I first called my mother from my friend’s phone to tell her about the loss, she comforted me and then she informed my dad to arrange a vehicle from the station, the trip was booked but it’d sometimes leave passengers if there are more people than capacity or not turn up due to technical glitch in the age old van that was used. My friend got down at Chaibasa and my heart started racing more as people around me in the train knew my situation and vulnerability and I tried to pose a strong and confident front. The train took more than 20 minutes to travel 17 kms but for me it seemed like ages, the sight of Jhinkpani station never made me so relieved. I quickly deboarded the train, holding on to my bag tightly this time and found a friend waiting there in his Maruti 800. He happened to have met my dad while coming to the station for a personal work and my dad asked him to pick me as well. I finally reached home travelling without a phone and a penny in pocket, my mom was so glad to see me safe and sound. I was taken aback a little to see her overtly calm demeanor at the face of such an adversary and having no concern whatsoever for my lost phone or the wallet. She prayed and thanked God for my safe return and narrated about her dream which she saw about me the previous night. She was very disturbed by it, and she’d been praying from dawn that day for my well-being as the dream was a very bad omen for me. She felt relieved that it was only few items that were lost, and I was completely unharmed. Mother’s love manifests in mysterious ways I thought while gobbling on my favorite sambar, rice that afternoon. Meanwhile, my dad deactivated my ATM card and arranged an old makeshift phone for me to be used in the remaining two months of college. When I sit back to think, I always think about my mother’s reaction and feel relieved that it happened, may be a way to appease myself of the guilt of not thinking through that somebody must have noticed me putting the phone in the small pocket and chanced upon it in the crowd while boarding. To compensate for the loss of phone, I gifted my sister with a digital camera after I started earning 4 months down from this incident. From then on, I never kept anything valuable in such obvious places in public while I maneuvered my ways in Delhi’s metro or the local trains of Mumbai, in the buses of Visakhapatnam or in the streets of Paris. I hold my wallet tight and my phone close.
submitted by Nostalgia_town to u/Nostalgia_town [link] [comments]
As I boarded the train along with around 20 other people from that gate, I felt a sudden force pulling me back, but I managed to steer my way inside but with an eerie feeling, I quickly reached out to check the tiny pocket immediately only to find that both the wallet & the borrowed phone were gone. A shiver ran up my spine and I started to feel numb. There was Rs 200 in cash in that wallet which was a month of pocket money, my SBI ATM card and college i-card. Now, having zero cash, no phone I went about near the gate to see if I can find it, I spoke to couple of people but barely anyone knew Hindi, and it struck me real hard that reaching home was my single motto now. Although scared that I would be scolded by parents for being reckless, I had a sinking feeling as to how would I break this news to my sister & my brother-in-law whose smart phone I’d lost, what would I do about all the lost contacts that I’d woven so meticulously while organizing the alumni meet, what of the memories that I’d captured during the Yatra. My brain started to fizzle with all these entrapping thoughts when my friend shook me to bring me back to the dreaded train which was my reality then and I started planning my next course of action. I first called my mother from my friend’s phone to tell her about the loss, she comforted me and then she informed my dad to arrange a vehicle from the station, the trip was booked but it’d sometimes leave passengers if there are more people than capacity or not turn up due to technical glitch in the age old van that was used. My friend got down at Chaibasa and my heart started racing more as people around me in the train knew my situation and vulnerability and I tried to pose a strong and confident front. The train took more than 20 minutes to travel 17 kms but for me it seemed like ages, the sight of Jhinkpani station never made me so relieved. I quickly deboarded the train, holding on to my bag tightly this time and found a friend waiting there in his Maruti 800. He happened to have met my dad while coming to the station for a personal work and my dad asked him to pick me as well. I finally reached home travelling without a phone and a penny in pocket, my mom was so glad to see me safe and sound. I was taken aback a little to see her overtly calm demeanor at the face of such an adversary and having no concern whatsoever for my lost phone or the wallet. She prayed and thanked God for my safe return and narrated about her dream which she saw about me the previous night. She was very disturbed by it, and she’d been praying from dawn that day for my well-being as the dream was a very bad omen for me. She felt relieved that it was only few items that were lost, and I was completely unharmed. Mother’s love manifests in mysterious ways I thought while gobbling on my favorite sambar, rice that afternoon. Meanwhile, my dad deactivated my ATM card and arranged an old makeshift phone for me to be used in the remaining two months of college. When I sit back to think, I always think about my mother’s reaction and feel relieved that it happened, may be a way to appease myself of the guilt of not thinking through that somebody must have noticed me putting the phone in the small pocket and chanced upon it in the crowd while boarding. To compensate for the loss of phone, I gifted my sister with a digital camera after I started earning 4 months down from this incident. From then on, I never kept anything valuable in such obvious places in public while I maneuvered my ways in Delhi’s metro or the local trains of Mumbai, in the buses of Visakhapatnam or in the streets of Paris. I hold my wallet tight and my phone close.
2024.05.14 13:27 Fayes_UnderWorld should i (16F) break up with my boyfriend (16M)
(16F) I have been dating my boyfriend (16M) for 8 months. we started strong besides for when he went away some weekends and would text me for hours while he hung out with girls alone. then after December, we started to fight more. I suffer from a few different mental and physical issues., which made it very hard to go to school. after the first week of school (we met on the first day) rumors were going around that he had assaulted a girl. (they were in a group almost late for class when she fell behind and he grabbed her sweater to pull her to catch up and she never spread the rumors) so he got bullied pretty badly with that and people wanted to get a reaction out of him. about two months ago he had his last two hockey games and his mom invited an old friend of his. She started to push me away from him when I sat next to him in between his games or when we went into the bathroom and she would dream about him in front of me. he says he never would do anything with her but he ignored me when we went to get food with her and let go of my hand to make sure she didn't walk on the road.
he hides his phone a lot and lies to me about who he talks to. we are always arguing and fighting now and I always overreact. I'm questioning whether I truly love him or if this relationship is worth fixing. any help/advice would be great (almost all of his friends are female and when I asked his closest guy friend if I needed to worry his friend just laughed and hung up on me) he has full access to my phone and grabs it whenever he pleases. I've met his parents (who are split) and he met mine.
submitted by Fayes_UnderWorld to teenrelationships [link] [comments]
he hides his phone a lot and lies to me about who he talks to. we are always arguing and fighting now and I always overreact. I'm questioning whether I truly love him or if this relationship is worth fixing. any help/advice would be great (almost all of his friends are female and when I asked his closest guy friend if I needed to worry his friend just laughed and hung up on me) he has full access to my phone and grabs it whenever he pleases. I've met his parents (who are split) and he met mine.
2024.05.14 12:56 UpsetAppeal2154 I regret leaving my wife.
I'm using a throwaway account as I don't really people currently in my life to know this.
I (30MtF) left my wife (27F, let's call her D) two years ago. The divorce was finalized about two months ago, and I wish I could go back.
I met D eight years ago, while I was homeless. She and her family helped me get a job and my first apartment, she always showed me an incredible amount of love and support, and she was absolutely wonderful in so many ways. But D was also an evangelical Christian and incredibly transphobic and homophobic. I found this out shortly after we met. At the time, I knew I was trans, bisexual, and I was a pagan. I probably should have walked away then.
Unfortunately, due to an incredible amount of trauma in my childhood and adolescence, I have a tendency to develop new versions of myself for those I'm around. The "me" that took over my life during this time decided "he" was a cisgender, bisexual man who refused to "act on" his "sinful" desires after becoming a Christian. Still, early on that "me" didn't have as strong of a hold.
Once, when we'd been dating for a few months, we were hanging out with a friend who showed us Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time. Neither of us really had any idea what it was about. We watched it, and we were both incredibly uncomfortable for entirely different reasons. She brought me to work (I worked overnights at this time) and then while I was at work we fought over text and nearly broke up because of this damn movie. I didn't like it because it seemed fairly transphobic to me, especially when Dr. Frank-N-Furter raped the guests. (I now recognize this movie has a big place in queer culture but I still can't help but see it as kind of offensive.) D thought it was disgusting that the movie even included a trans character.
Eventually the "me" that had formed to be who she wanted me to be took over full-time and committed to stay with her and fight the "urge to sin." We dated for a few years and then got married. And honestly, this feels like one of the best times in my life sometimes, even though I know I was miserable.
I've always looked fairly feminine, and had fairly long hair and a pretty alternative style that often included makeup. I'd get "mistaken" for a girl pretty frequently when we were out, which only increased when she got me a super cute coffin-shaped purse for an anniversary. She'd always get super upset and defensive on my behalf, which hurt but she couldn't know it.
Sometimes during our marriage, she was reading an article about some state or another not accepting the "trans panic defense" and started ranting about it. I knew what she was talking about but on the off chance I was wrong I asked her to elaborate. She said it was when a trans person comes into the bathroom or hits on you and you assault or kill them because you panic. I tried to calmly explain that I thought it was good that wasn't being accepted because you shouldn't be assaulting or killing people regardless of whether they're trans or not, and it sounded like just a way to hurt trans people and get away with it. She came up with this wild argument and I just let her "win" because I didn't want to lose her. But I never felt fully safe with her again.
She liked it when I wore makeup, and once her sister told me she liked how I was a "man who was secure in his femininity but didn't feel like I needed to be a woman." (This was literally a month before I left to transition.) D agreed with her sister.
Around four years ago made a new friend at work, a nonbinary person I'll call S, who invited me to play DnD with them and their husband (a trans man) when they quit that job. By the time we'd bee playing for about six months, being around other trans people had reawakened the other parts of me, the parts that were closer to who I really am. I re-realized I was trans through our time together, and they started encouraging me to leave her and be my authentic self.
I left D about four months before our five-year wedding anniversary. She had gone through my phone, found messages between me and S about plans for me leaving and my being trans, and confronted me while I was in the shower. I quickly finished my shower and got out, had a six hour long conversation with her about this and tried to get her to understand. Eventually she just said "But you're not a woman and you never will be!" Without a word, I gathered up some essentials and left for S's house. S and I went back to that house while she was at church on Sunday and grabbed everything I owned, and then went to her mom's house to do the same. D and her whole family were there so I was trying to avoid questions and begging and pleading and crying from not only D, but her mom, sister, and brother to stay and give this trans thing up. I told D that if she wanted me to stay, I'd be staying as her wife and she'd have to accept that. She couldn't. I left.
Over the next couple months we spent a lot of time talking. D was trying to convince me to come back, to fall in love with her again. But I hadn't stopped loving her, I'd just gotten sick of hating myself. I told her that. I told her I wanted nothing more than to come back, but I couldn't do it if it meant going back to wanting to die every time I saw myself in the mirror and hating her briefly every time she "corrected" someone on my gender. I told her if she wanted me back, she'd need to support me in my transition. She still couldn't do it.
The last straw was when Michael Knowles called for the eradication of "transgenderism" (trans people). With that and the hundreds of anti-trans bills being introduced, I was scared. I texted D for comfort and instead got into a whole big argument with her. She kept trying to say the anti-trans bills were a good thing, and when I brought up the Michael Knowles thing she said she'd watched that speech and agreed with him. She said eradicating "transgenderism" would be a good thing. I sent her back a long text about the definition of genocide and how you can't separate "transgenderism" from transgender people, and eradicating "transgenderism" would require eradicating transgender people. We never talked again except about our divorce.
The thing that gets me though is that she's always been very anti-racist and speaks out against prejudice of most other kinds. She just never got it through her head that the same reasons she felt so strongly about that are why she should accept LGBTQIA+ people.
Now, it's been about two years since I left her. I have been on hormones for over a year, and I've never been happier with myself. These two years have been absolute hell in other ways. I have no stability, I lost my job, I've lost friends and family and all kinds of other traumatizing events that would make this post a literal novel. I've been suicidal in the past over stuff a lot smaller than this, but now, in the face of almost overwhelming and crushing despair, I'm still nowhere near that point again. I love myself. I am, for the first time in my life, living for myself.
I now have three wonderful partners (polyamory, they are all fully aware and consent, one of them has four other partners of their own) who love and accept me for who I am, and I love them all so much.
And yet. Despite all of that. Despite the pain D caused me, I still love her. I think I always will. And lately, it seems like all I can think of is the good times. And there were so many good times... I wish I could go back. I want her to love me again. And if she texted me tonight and told me she accepted me, I don't know if I could stay away. And this love I still feel... It's the most painful thing of all.
submitted by UpsetAppeal2154 to self [link] [comments]
I (30MtF) left my wife (27F, let's call her D) two years ago. The divorce was finalized about two months ago, and I wish I could go back.
I met D eight years ago, while I was homeless. She and her family helped me get a job and my first apartment, she always showed me an incredible amount of love and support, and she was absolutely wonderful in so many ways. But D was also an evangelical Christian and incredibly transphobic and homophobic. I found this out shortly after we met. At the time, I knew I was trans, bisexual, and I was a pagan. I probably should have walked away then.
Unfortunately, due to an incredible amount of trauma in my childhood and adolescence, I have a tendency to develop new versions of myself for those I'm around. The "me" that took over my life during this time decided "he" was a cisgender, bisexual man who refused to "act on" his "sinful" desires after becoming a Christian. Still, early on that "me" didn't have as strong of a hold.
Once, when we'd been dating for a few months, we were hanging out with a friend who showed us Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time. Neither of us really had any idea what it was about. We watched it, and we were both incredibly uncomfortable for entirely different reasons. She brought me to work (I worked overnights at this time) and then while I was at work we fought over text and nearly broke up because of this damn movie. I didn't like it because it seemed fairly transphobic to me, especially when Dr. Frank-N-Furter raped the guests. (I now recognize this movie has a big place in queer culture but I still can't help but see it as kind of offensive.) D thought it was disgusting that the movie even included a trans character.
Eventually the "me" that had formed to be who she wanted me to be took over full-time and committed to stay with her and fight the "urge to sin." We dated for a few years and then got married. And honestly, this feels like one of the best times in my life sometimes, even though I know I was miserable.
I've always looked fairly feminine, and had fairly long hair and a pretty alternative style that often included makeup. I'd get "mistaken" for a girl pretty frequently when we were out, which only increased when she got me a super cute coffin-shaped purse for an anniversary. She'd always get super upset and defensive on my behalf, which hurt but she couldn't know it.
Sometimes during our marriage, she was reading an article about some state or another not accepting the "trans panic defense" and started ranting about it. I knew what she was talking about but on the off chance I was wrong I asked her to elaborate. She said it was when a trans person comes into the bathroom or hits on you and you assault or kill them because you panic. I tried to calmly explain that I thought it was good that wasn't being accepted because you shouldn't be assaulting or killing people regardless of whether they're trans or not, and it sounded like just a way to hurt trans people and get away with it. She came up with this wild argument and I just let her "win" because I didn't want to lose her. But I never felt fully safe with her again.
She liked it when I wore makeup, and once her sister told me she liked how I was a "man who was secure in his femininity but didn't feel like I needed to be a woman." (This was literally a month before I left to transition.) D agreed with her sister.
Around four years ago made a new friend at work, a nonbinary person I'll call S, who invited me to play DnD with them and their husband (a trans man) when they quit that job. By the time we'd bee playing for about six months, being around other trans people had reawakened the other parts of me, the parts that were closer to who I really am. I re-realized I was trans through our time together, and they started encouraging me to leave her and be my authentic self.
I left D about four months before our five-year wedding anniversary. She had gone through my phone, found messages between me and S about plans for me leaving and my being trans, and confronted me while I was in the shower. I quickly finished my shower and got out, had a six hour long conversation with her about this and tried to get her to understand. Eventually she just said "But you're not a woman and you never will be!" Without a word, I gathered up some essentials and left for S's house. S and I went back to that house while she was at church on Sunday and grabbed everything I owned, and then went to her mom's house to do the same. D and her whole family were there so I was trying to avoid questions and begging and pleading and crying from not only D, but her mom, sister, and brother to stay and give this trans thing up. I told D that if she wanted me to stay, I'd be staying as her wife and she'd have to accept that. She couldn't. I left.
Over the next couple months we spent a lot of time talking. D was trying to convince me to come back, to fall in love with her again. But I hadn't stopped loving her, I'd just gotten sick of hating myself. I told her that. I told her I wanted nothing more than to come back, but I couldn't do it if it meant going back to wanting to die every time I saw myself in the mirror and hating her briefly every time she "corrected" someone on my gender. I told her if she wanted me back, she'd need to support me in my transition. She still couldn't do it.
The last straw was when Michael Knowles called for the eradication of "transgenderism" (trans people). With that and the hundreds of anti-trans bills being introduced, I was scared. I texted D for comfort and instead got into a whole big argument with her. She kept trying to say the anti-trans bills were a good thing, and when I brought up the Michael Knowles thing she said she'd watched that speech and agreed with him. She said eradicating "transgenderism" would be a good thing. I sent her back a long text about the definition of genocide and how you can't separate "transgenderism" from transgender people, and eradicating "transgenderism" would require eradicating transgender people. We never talked again except about our divorce.
The thing that gets me though is that she's always been very anti-racist and speaks out against prejudice of most other kinds. She just never got it through her head that the same reasons she felt so strongly about that are why she should accept LGBTQIA+ people.
Now, it's been about two years since I left her. I have been on hormones for over a year, and I've never been happier with myself. These two years have been absolute hell in other ways. I have no stability, I lost my job, I've lost friends and family and all kinds of other traumatizing events that would make this post a literal novel. I've been suicidal in the past over stuff a lot smaller than this, but now, in the face of almost overwhelming and crushing despair, I'm still nowhere near that point again. I love myself. I am, for the first time in my life, living for myself.
I now have three wonderful partners (polyamory, they are all fully aware and consent, one of them has four other partners of their own) who love and accept me for who I am, and I love them all so much.
And yet. Despite all of that. Despite the pain D caused me, I still love her. I think I always will. And lately, it seems like all I can think of is the good times. And there were so many good times... I wish I could go back. I want her to love me again. And if she texted me tonight and told me she accepted me, I don't know if I could stay away. And this love I still feel... It's the most painful thing of all.
2024.05.14 12:44 Bubbly-Emu95 Ex boyfriend (30M) wants an abortion, I (28F) want to keep the baby but I am scared to raise the baby on my own
I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my ex boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. We spent the last 2 years having sex almost everyday without contraceptives, as we were ready for any risks, we were not actively trying, but not actively preventing.
We decided to take a break due to arguments over the past month, and on our last day together, we had unprotective sex (we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks at that point). I took a test upon unusual symptoms and missed period, and discovered I am pregnant.
I informed him last week and I think he’s still in denial. He asked me to go for a scan to confirm so he can tell his parents and he has expressed that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for him, and I should get an abortion. He is not ready for fatherhood and doesn’t see that we can work things out in the future. I encouraged him to reconcile, not as a couple, but as civil adults to make communications easier in the following weeks or potentially years. He refused and told me I should talk to people for advice. I have spoke to my best friends and I don’t have a solution, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father figure but I also don’t want to have this kind of father in its life. I only had one sex partner my whole life so there is no possibility that he is not the father. I’m personally also not ready to raise the child as a single mother without support. If this pregnancy happened few months back, I would not have the same doubts I currently have. I considered abortion after the conversation with him but I don’t want to end my own child’s life because of our unresolved issues. My family don’t live in the same country as me, so I will not have day-to-day help. My friends are supportive but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to raise the baby without a partner. I have all sorts of concerns and I am not in the right headspace at the moment to be thinking clearly.
For context - I (28F) moved in to live with my boyfriend (30M) after 2 years of dating, we barely had any disagreements throughout the first 2 years, we were both in love, and decided that we were ready for our next stages in life so we moved in together. We were certain that we were compatible despite our differences in interests - we are very different people in the best ways, and grew to love and learn of each other’s character. Our lives are very intertwined, and our respective friend groups are very involved in our lives. We had a healthy lifestyle and socially active ever since we got together.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were discussing wedding plans. We previously agreed that we would move in together > get engaged > married > have children. I expressed that I didn’t really want to move in together until I get a reassurance from him this is for lifetime, he told me not to worry because he already had plans to propose to me and it’s ok to move in first and then get married as we are living together. He suggested that we could plan the wedding first because weddings take at least a year ahead to plan, and the proposal will happen sometime later this year. Our first big argument came because of his unrealistic expectations and lack of logic and sense in event planning (he was never really a planner or an organized person, I do most of our travel logistics and household plannings).
Few weeks later I discovered that he was withholding his plans made with a colleague that I didn’t particularly liked, I felt strange that he had to hide this fact from me. I don’t believe that he was disloyal or anything but I didn’t understand why he lied. I exploded, demanded to check his phone, then I discovered more things he was hiding from me, including going on walks during lunch with the same female colleagues. I also discovered the group chat with his boys where they were making jokes about us getting married. I was livid and we argued over our definition of commitment, I questioned his maturity and his intentions to settle. He told me he was ready to settle with me, and suggested that we go pick out rings the next day.
The real issue came in when he called his parents to ask them for their blessing in our marriage. His parents disapproved, and called me materialistic, questioned my family, my social circle, my religion, my political views… etc. My boyfriend could’ve easily justified every one of the points they have made about me but I guess he was too in shock of their response to defend me. His parents never really agreed with our relationship to begin with, they never wanted him to date and thinks he should be focused on his career at this age rather than dating, despite this we spent every holidays and celebrations the last two years with his family and we thought they have grown to accept me as they had been very friendly with me, I guess it was all a facade. I was disappointed and lashed out at him. And somehow our previous issue with his ‘commitment’ was brushed under the rug.
He says he cannot propose to me when he doesn’t have his parents blessing. I gave him a deadline the next day to make a decision, if he cannot talk it out with his parents then I will have to let this end. He came back the next day, and told me his dad apologized and would like to reconcile with me. And he came back to tell me he was ready to settle.
The following weeks we continued to have smaller disagreements and I was still uncomfortable to face his parents, as he would return home a different person, and treats me worse every time after every time he had met up with his parents. Before all these issues, we had made plans to visit my grandparents and his extended family who were both living in the same country. On our way there, I expressed that I would want to remain with my grandparents and not join his family trip as I’m not ready to face his parents yet. He tried to persuade me to go and that his parents will apologize to me, but I was still very uncomfortable. I told him I’ll only go if he can give me reassurance and that I will only go on another family trip with him if he can give me the status as his fiancé before I can face them. He said if he were to propose to me now he cannot face his parents, and he told his parents he has plans to propose to me on this trip, but they insisted that they should reconcile with me before he can propose as I would potentially “steal their grandchildren away from them” in the future if we don’t make up. He told me he even brought the ring with him but he can’t do it. I walked away from him, I felt so betrayed and lost in a foreign country. I got very emotional and told him he made feel worthless and want to end my life. I was not in the right headspace after a whole month of torment and I didn’t have the energy to reason with him any longer. I gave in and proceeded with the rest of our trip.
The day before we went to meet his family, I told him I wanted to go somewhere else instead and I still wasn’t ready. When he was making changes to our tickets, I saw his sister’s message on his phone, saying that it’ll be better in the long run if he sort out the parents issue first and don’t propose to me yet. I snatched his phone and spoke with his sister. After I told her everything, she apologized and gave me the reassurance that their family will treat me with respect and will apologize to me the first thing they see me, and that they just want to reconcile before we move forward to the next stage in life. I felt it was reasonable and reassured after my conversation with her, so I decided to give it a go.
When we did finally meet up with his parents, they pretended as if nothing has happened. Few days later we finally had the ‘conversation’. His dad started off by saying he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to get married at the moment, and kept going on about their same points again, he said our relationship hasn’t been long enough for us to decide marriage at this stage. They claimed their comments weren’t a personal attack, they didn’t apologize and said that I was ‘thinking too much’ for this to be a personal attack because it was simply a generalization, then dismissed me for being upset for hearing from my bf because he wasn’t supposed to tell me, and proceeds to keep commenting about me and my friends and how they disagree with their celebrations of weddings.
I respectfully explained we are not having these discussions about marriage out of no where, we have been having discussions on marriage throughout our 2 years. In fact our plans to have children was the basis of our relationship and were his requirements, and we just want to move forward with the next part of our lives. His mom doesn’t think I need to think about having children at this moment and it’s not a good time for us to have children, because she had kids much later in life and apparently so is everyone else, and we shouldn’t be following my ‘timeline’ on when things should be happening. Apparently I should not have such control over the timing of giving birth ‘like a reproduction machine’, and it’s not right to have to set such timeline on how much time I need for recovery and time between having each children. She asks why do we feel the need and so early in life to get married now? And ditch your own families and start your own life.
His dad said I should not decide right now how many kids we need to have and it’s rather in gods hands to decide, and some people are not even be able to have more than 1 kid, I asked him why is this relevant in regards to our plans to have kids… so I have to listen to god now and have kids without planning? And then he started giving this bs about god and how we are not meant to plan ‘these things’ out in life so specifically. I asked him: What is wrong with being practical and setting realistic goals. He claimed he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have plans but we shouldn’t be so set and ‘controlling’ over our own lives. He has experience and we should listen to the grown ups with experience… I knew the conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere as soon as he brings religion into this.
My boyfriend just stood there in silence. After the conversation ended we both walked away from his parents, he apologized to me and told me he’s sorry for any of the things his parents have said to me and I didn’t deserve it. He says he won’t listen to his parents anymore, and he knows how to make this right, and he will propose once we return to my grandparent’s place. I didn’t challenge him anymore because I that was the reassurance I needed from him, and I was happy that he was finally able to see his parents for who they are.
The following days of the trip, his dad tried to isolate him from rest of the family to give him the same lecture. Every time he rejoins the group I can see from his expression that their conversation did not go well, I didn’t comment. On the day we returned to my grandparent’s home, he told me he can’t follow through with his promises. And his dad told him he shouldn’t feel guilty for making promises to me and be pressured into marriage. Somehow this convinced himself into thinking he’s not ready for marriage all along. I walked away from him and we spent 3 days apart before our flight to return home.
On our last day, we met up for closure, talked through what happened and we had sex. I told him I wasn’t ready to fly back home with him and I didn’t want to fall back into the vicious cycle of arguments, and that we should have some time to cool things down before we reconnect. We agreed to give each other some space and he wants to learn more about himself before he makes commitment to me as he doesn’t want to disappoint me again.
A week after he got back, he told me he wants to move out of our co-rented apartment, and he wants to break lease. I was a bit confused because I thought he wanted to work on himself, and him moving out essentially is an indication of a break up to me. He said if I don’t let him move out, I’m not giving him space to work on himself. I didn’t really have an option so I agreed. We didn’t talk afterwards.
3 weeks later, I missed my period, I took a test and was positive.
submitted by Bubbly-Emu95 to Advice [link] [comments]
We decided to take a break due to arguments over the past month, and on our last day together, we had unprotective sex (we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks at that point). I took a test upon unusual symptoms and missed period, and discovered I am pregnant.
I informed him last week and I think he’s still in denial. He asked me to go for a scan to confirm so he can tell his parents and he has expressed that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for him, and I should get an abortion. He is not ready for fatherhood and doesn’t see that we can work things out in the future. I encouraged him to reconcile, not as a couple, but as civil adults to make communications easier in the following weeks or potentially years. He refused and told me I should talk to people for advice. I have spoke to my best friends and I don’t have a solution, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father figure but I also don’t want to have this kind of father in its life. I only had one sex partner my whole life so there is no possibility that he is not the father. I’m personally also not ready to raise the child as a single mother without support. If this pregnancy happened few months back, I would not have the same doubts I currently have. I considered abortion after the conversation with him but I don’t want to end my own child’s life because of our unresolved issues. My family don’t live in the same country as me, so I will not have day-to-day help. My friends are supportive but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to raise the baby without a partner. I have all sorts of concerns and I am not in the right headspace at the moment to be thinking clearly.
For context - I (28F) moved in to live with my boyfriend (30M) after 2 years of dating, we barely had any disagreements throughout the first 2 years, we were both in love, and decided that we were ready for our next stages in life so we moved in together. We were certain that we were compatible despite our differences in interests - we are very different people in the best ways, and grew to love and learn of each other’s character. Our lives are very intertwined, and our respective friend groups are very involved in our lives. We had a healthy lifestyle and socially active ever since we got together.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were discussing wedding plans. We previously agreed that we would move in together > get engaged > married > have children. I expressed that I didn’t really want to move in together until I get a reassurance from him this is for lifetime, he told me not to worry because he already had plans to propose to me and it’s ok to move in first and then get married as we are living together. He suggested that we could plan the wedding first because weddings take at least a year ahead to plan, and the proposal will happen sometime later this year. Our first big argument came because of his unrealistic expectations and lack of logic and sense in event planning (he was never really a planner or an organized person, I do most of our travel logistics and household plannings).
Few weeks later I discovered that he was withholding his plans made with a colleague that I didn’t particularly liked, I felt strange that he had to hide this fact from me. I don’t believe that he was disloyal or anything but I didn’t understand why he lied. I exploded, demanded to check his phone, then I discovered more things he was hiding from me, including going on walks during lunch with the same female colleagues. I also discovered the group chat with his boys where they were making jokes about us getting married. I was livid and we argued over our definition of commitment, I questioned his maturity and his intentions to settle. He told me he was ready to settle with me, and suggested that we go pick out rings the next day.
The real issue came in when he called his parents to ask them for their blessing in our marriage. His parents disapproved, and called me materialistic, questioned my family, my social circle, my religion, my political views… etc. My boyfriend could’ve easily justified every one of the points they have made about me but I guess he was too in shock of their response to defend me. His parents never really agreed with our relationship to begin with, they never wanted him to date and thinks he should be focused on his career at this age rather than dating, despite this we spent every holidays and celebrations the last two years with his family and we thought they have grown to accept me as they had been very friendly with me, I guess it was all a facade. I was disappointed and lashed out at him. And somehow our previous issue with his ‘commitment’ was brushed under the rug.
He says he cannot propose to me when he doesn’t have his parents blessing. I gave him a deadline the next day to make a decision, if he cannot talk it out with his parents then I will have to let this end. He came back the next day, and told me his dad apologized and would like to reconcile with me. And he came back to tell me he was ready to settle.
The following weeks we continued to have smaller disagreements and I was still uncomfortable to face his parents, as he would return home a different person, and treats me worse every time after every time he had met up with his parents. Before all these issues, we had made plans to visit my grandparents and his extended family who were both living in the same country. On our way there, I expressed that I would want to remain with my grandparents and not join his family trip as I’m not ready to face his parents yet. He tried to persuade me to go and that his parents will apologize to me, but I was still very uncomfortable. I told him I’ll only go if he can give me reassurance and that I will only go on another family trip with him if he can give me the status as his fiancé before I can face them. He said if he were to propose to me now he cannot face his parents, and he told his parents he has plans to propose to me on this trip, but they insisted that they should reconcile with me before he can propose as I would potentially “steal their grandchildren away from them” in the future if we don’t make up. He told me he even brought the ring with him but he can’t do it. I walked away from him, I felt so betrayed and lost in a foreign country. I got very emotional and told him he made feel worthless and want to end my life. I was not in the right headspace after a whole month of torment and I didn’t have the energy to reason with him any longer. I gave in and proceeded with the rest of our trip.
The day before we went to meet his family, I told him I wanted to go somewhere else instead and I still wasn’t ready. When he was making changes to our tickets, I saw his sister’s message on his phone, saying that it’ll be better in the long run if he sort out the parents issue first and don’t propose to me yet. I snatched his phone and spoke with his sister. After I told her everything, she apologized and gave me the reassurance that their family will treat me with respect and will apologize to me the first thing they see me, and that they just want to reconcile before we move forward to the next stage in life. I felt it was reasonable and reassured after my conversation with her, so I decided to give it a go.
When we did finally meet up with his parents, they pretended as if nothing has happened. Few days later we finally had the ‘conversation’. His dad started off by saying he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to get married at the moment, and kept going on about their same points again, he said our relationship hasn’t been long enough for us to decide marriage at this stage. They claimed their comments weren’t a personal attack, they didn’t apologize and said that I was ‘thinking too much’ for this to be a personal attack because it was simply a generalization, then dismissed me for being upset for hearing from my bf because he wasn’t supposed to tell me, and proceeds to keep commenting about me and my friends and how they disagree with their celebrations of weddings.
I respectfully explained we are not having these discussions about marriage out of no where, we have been having discussions on marriage throughout our 2 years. In fact our plans to have children was the basis of our relationship and were his requirements, and we just want to move forward with the next part of our lives. His mom doesn’t think I need to think about having children at this moment and it’s not a good time for us to have children, because she had kids much later in life and apparently so is everyone else, and we shouldn’t be following my ‘timeline’ on when things should be happening. Apparently I should not have such control over the timing of giving birth ‘like a reproduction machine’, and it’s not right to have to set such timeline on how much time I need for recovery and time between having each children. She asks why do we feel the need and so early in life to get married now? And ditch your own families and start your own life.
His dad said I should not decide right now how many kids we need to have and it’s rather in gods hands to decide, and some people are not even be able to have more than 1 kid, I asked him why is this relevant in regards to our plans to have kids… so I have to listen to god now and have kids without planning? And then he started giving this bs about god and how we are not meant to plan ‘these things’ out in life so specifically. I asked him: What is wrong with being practical and setting realistic goals. He claimed he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have plans but we shouldn’t be so set and ‘controlling’ over our own lives. He has experience and we should listen to the grown ups with experience… I knew the conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere as soon as he brings religion into this.
My boyfriend just stood there in silence. After the conversation ended we both walked away from his parents, he apologized to me and told me he’s sorry for any of the things his parents have said to me and I didn’t deserve it. He says he won’t listen to his parents anymore, and he knows how to make this right, and he will propose once we return to my grandparent’s place. I didn’t challenge him anymore because I that was the reassurance I needed from him, and I was happy that he was finally able to see his parents for who they are.
The following days of the trip, his dad tried to isolate him from rest of the family to give him the same lecture. Every time he rejoins the group I can see from his expression that their conversation did not go well, I didn’t comment. On the day we returned to my grandparent’s home, he told me he can’t follow through with his promises. And his dad told him he shouldn’t feel guilty for making promises to me and be pressured into marriage. Somehow this convinced himself into thinking he’s not ready for marriage all along. I walked away from him and we spent 3 days apart before our flight to return home.
On our last day, we met up for closure, talked through what happened and we had sex. I told him I wasn’t ready to fly back home with him and I didn’t want to fall back into the vicious cycle of arguments, and that we should have some time to cool things down before we reconnect. We agreed to give each other some space and he wants to learn more about himself before he makes commitment to me as he doesn’t want to disappoint me again.
A week after he got back, he told me he wants to move out of our co-rented apartment, and he wants to break lease. I was a bit confused because I thought he wanted to work on himself, and him moving out essentially is an indication of a break up to me. He said if I don’t let him move out, I’m not giving him space to work on himself. I didn’t really have an option so I agreed. We didn’t talk afterwards.
3 weeks later, I missed my period, I took a test and was positive.
2024.05.14 12:44 whosemomareyou AITA for reminding my SIL she isn’t a mother on Mother’s Day?
My brother Miles lost his wife Sarah 4 years ago. He has a son, Eric, 11. Miles married his wife Josie about 18 months ago. And yes, she’s trying the whole “second mom” thing. Eric is in grief therapy and Miles is being better about pushing Josie on Eric than he could be but he also hasn’t been as respectful of the fact that Eric doesn’t see her as a mother as he could be.
Sarah unfortunately didn’t have sisters so I’m the woman closest to her age in Eric’s life, and I’m trying to be there for him as much as I can. We’re very close. Not that I’ll ever take Sarah’s place, no one will, but he knows if there’s ever something he doesn’t want to talk to his dad about that my home is always open to him.
So for Mother’s Day, Eric wanted to visit Sarah’s grave and then come to Mother’s Day lunch with me and my family. Miles agreed to this plan initially, but the day before he cancelled on Eric’s behalf, saying that he and Josie thought it was best that Eric spend the whole day with them, since Eric should show appreciation to Josie on Mother’s Day. I argued with Miles and eventually Miles said I could come by and see Eric and get the gift he’d gotten me but that he wanted Eric to stay with him and Josie.
When I went over to the house, Eric gave me some flowers and a small candle and we were talking outside and he said he had had his phone taken away because he had refused to say or do anything for Josie for Mother’s Day. Imagine punishing a child because he doesn’t love you. I didn’t say anything to Eric but when I was leaving I said to Miles that I thought he was doing untold damage to his son by bullying him into pretending he cares about Josie. Josie said it wasn’t bullying for wanting Eric to participate in celebrating her on Mother’s Day so I looked at her and said, “Josie, whose mother are you?”
Josie had a miscarriage a few months ago so this hit her pretty hard. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t realise this would upset her but frankly, she isn’t Eric’s mother, and she can’t make up for wishing she was by making the day harder for him.
Josie burst into tears and started shouting at me and Miles told me to just take Eric with me because “obviously this whole thing has been a failure”.
Miles is saying I wen too far reminding Josie she isn’t a mother but I feel like someone had to, because she was acting like she’s entitled to the title when the “child” doesn’t feel that way. If she was having a hard day and wanted to memorialise what she’s been through then that’s her business but Eric shouldn’t be bullied into a pantomime because of her grief.
submitted by whosemomareyou to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
Sarah unfortunately didn’t have sisters so I’m the woman closest to her age in Eric’s life, and I’m trying to be there for him as much as I can. We’re very close. Not that I’ll ever take Sarah’s place, no one will, but he knows if there’s ever something he doesn’t want to talk to his dad about that my home is always open to him.
So for Mother’s Day, Eric wanted to visit Sarah’s grave and then come to Mother’s Day lunch with me and my family. Miles agreed to this plan initially, but the day before he cancelled on Eric’s behalf, saying that he and Josie thought it was best that Eric spend the whole day with them, since Eric should show appreciation to Josie on Mother’s Day. I argued with Miles and eventually Miles said I could come by and see Eric and get the gift he’d gotten me but that he wanted Eric to stay with him and Josie.
When I went over to the house, Eric gave me some flowers and a small candle and we were talking outside and he said he had had his phone taken away because he had refused to say or do anything for Josie for Mother’s Day. Imagine punishing a child because he doesn’t love you. I didn’t say anything to Eric but when I was leaving I said to Miles that I thought he was doing untold damage to his son by bullying him into pretending he cares about Josie. Josie said it wasn’t bullying for wanting Eric to participate in celebrating her on Mother’s Day so I looked at her and said, “Josie, whose mother are you?”
Josie had a miscarriage a few months ago so this hit her pretty hard. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t realise this would upset her but frankly, she isn’t Eric’s mother, and she can’t make up for wishing she was by making the day harder for him.
Josie burst into tears and started shouting at me and Miles told me to just take Eric with me because “obviously this whole thing has been a failure”.
Miles is saying I wen too far reminding Josie she isn’t a mother but I feel like someone had to, because she was acting like she’s entitled to the title when the “child” doesn’t feel that way. If she was having a hard day and wanted to memorialise what she’s been through then that’s her business but Eric shouldn’t be bullied into a pantomime because of her grief.
2024.05.14 12:40 Specialist_Bake6514 Vapiano P3: Italian Food Made in Germany
 | The kitchen is on fire. Welcome to the final part of the Vapiano story where the tables are turning. In the first two episodes we followed Mark Korzilius' journey from setbacks to founding Vapiano, a groundbreaking restaurant concept, highlighting its fresh ingredients, dynamic atmosphere, and data-driven operations that drove rapid success. While achieving initial profitability and garnering attention from industry giants like McDonald's, Vapiano's global expansion has led to stellar revenue growth. However, it has also resulted in the emergence of numerous side projects (or distractions), operational challenges, increased costs, significant investments, and a notable accumulation of debt. This underscores the prioritization of top-line growth over profitable growth. We will continue on this thread and see how the story ends, but I would encourage you to read part one and two for better context. Vapiano P1: Italian Food Made in Germany (substack.com). Let's dig in. submitted by Specialist_Bake6514 to unpackbusinesses [link] [comments] Before Going Public We are now in 2015 and the year is a disaster for Vapiano's PR department. Employee time stamps are being manipulated, endless overtime for employees and high turnover in managerial roles are reported; mice in the kitchen and even rotten food allegedly found. The company is confronted with allegations of exceeding working hours among trainees in an article published by Welt am Sonntag, while the same outlet accuses Vapiano of manipulating punch times. The auditing firm PwC is commissioned to investigate the allegations and finds that there is no systematic approach but rather misconduct by individual employees, a mistake that’s being corrected. Internal however, investigations into stamp times are carried out regularly now and beyond its obvious reputational impact, this sucks up valuable management time and attention. In the summer of 2015 CEO, co-founder and investor Gregor Gerlach, who has been running the group since 2011 is stepping down and Jochen Halfmann is taking over. A new Vapiano People Program with an App is being developed with the aim to better interact with customers that will incorporate innovate features such as mobile pay. The German website sees a launch of new magazine to further promote the brand and there is now a full inhouse blogger and Instagram team being installed. In October the company buys seven restaurants from original co-founder, former co-investor and ex-president previously responsible for internation expansion Kent Hahne (2x Bonn, 3x Cologne, 1x Koblenz and one in Cologne that’s under construction). This package of Vapiano restaurants is very successful and generates net sales of more than 20 million euros in 2014. Hahne opened his first Vapiano restaurant in Cologne in August 2006 and in 2015 with his company apeiron AG, Hahne operates six L'Osteria franchise restaurants, a direct Vapiano competitor, and two self-owned restaurants GinYuu. Then in November of 2015, the next public relations bomb goes off with allegations regarding the company's quality standards. The company immediately investigates the issue through internal and external specialists but finds no evidence of any quality issues. Nevertheless, knowing that the group is now being closely watched, the company’s already in place hygiene standards are being reinforced. Additional audits and inspections are performed nationally. Further, all Vapianos worldwide are being audited twice by the partners SGS Institut Fresenius and SAI Global. Auditing software is purchased to simplify the implementation of the audits and the resulting measures. Apart from the external examinations, there is a food sampling plan in place being performed continuously. Again, all of this sucks up costs, management time and attention. With all these tumultuous developments the company’s growth engine is undeterred. Revenue grows by a whopping 50 million euros to 202 million euros, an increase of 33%. Impressive. While average spent per customer increases in all countries, the number of customers per day in Germany decreases by 3.3% partially due to the negative press towards the end of the year. Five own, four JV and 19 new franchise restaurants are added that year to the group, the total number of own managed restaurants grows to 51, there are 31 JVs and 84 franchises which bringing the total to 166 Vapiano restaurants. Global restaurant sales are now above 400 million euros. But while revenue grows by an astronomical 50 million euros, operating profits, alarmingly, shrink again. Gross margins are staying perfectly healthy above 75% but operating costs keep growing disproportionately fast. The Company’s outstanding debt jumps by almost 30 million, close to 85 million euros by the end of the year. With operating profits at 9.5 million euros, alarm bells should be going off right now. In Q4 of 2015, new CEO Jochen Halfmann introduces Strategy 2020. The new strategy includes five essential points. One, profitable growth in the newly defined core markets of Germany and Austria as well as in the UK, Netherlands, France and USA. Two, operational excellence through strict “best practice” management. Three, further development and digitalization of the concept considering guest feedback. Four, greater focus on long-term employee retention and five, building a modern and sustainable IT landscape. Sound’s good on paper but let’s see how things pan out. Vapiano's investments (capital expenditures) that year are primarily directed towards new restaurant openings, renovations of existing establishments, and share acquisitions in other Vapiano restaurants from franchisees or JV partners. A significant portion of funds is allocated to the digitalization of the guest experience, including the development of a new app scheduled for market release in 2016 and the implementation of a time recording system across all group restaurants. The world's first standalone Vapiano restaurant with a delivery service that year is built in Fürth, Germany. The company keeps expanding its presence in both inner-city locations and international markets, such as Shanghai, China. To finance all of this, the group has its own operating cash flow which comes in at 18 million while capital expenditures are 26 million euros plus 14 million for acquisitions. The funding gab is filled with 26 million euros of new debt and a seven-million-euro equity raise. At that end of the year and after the equity raise Gregor Gerlach (through his AP Leipzig GmbH & Co. KG entity) holds 30.1%, Hans-Joachim and Gisa Sander through their Exchange Bio GmbH hold 25.5% and the Tchibo heirs, Herz through their Mayfair Beteiligungsfonds II GmbH & Co. KG hold 44,4%. But for the first time the restaurant’s concept that was so successful to date is being questioned. Some customers are starting to mislike the operational flow of the concept itself. If you want pasta, you must queue for pasta. If you want pizza you stand in a different queue. A small side salad, yet another queue. "You spend more time carrying trays than an actress in Berlin-Mitte. The audience in the pasta limbo can only consist of people who have worked for an insurance company for a long time and, like Stockholm syndrome, they can no longer get away from the industrial canteen feeling," writes TV host Beisenherz provocatively. While overly harsh in his assessment he's not entirely wrong judging by customers venting their frustrations in forums and social media channels. It isn’t uncommon for those who ordered pizza to have already finished eating while there is little movement in the pasta queue. Long term that doesn't go down well, QSRs competitors like L’Osteria are handling this process differently, with much success. https://preview.redd.it/6cas01oked0d1.png?width=1200&format=png&auto=webp&s=2da6e0b4bc0e07dbee558de412feb414cd598d4a Tipping PointWhere are now in the year 2016 and things start to deteriorate visibility. Perhaps not for the leman’s eye but any business minded observer can see that there are problems under the hood. Yes, revenue grows yet another whopping 50 million to almost 250 million euros but half of that growth, comes from acquisitions of restaurants that the group didn’t already own 100%, which is now being fully consolidated within the group’s accounts. Here is a concrete example. In the past, Vapiano SE, the group’s top holding company held an indirect 50% stake in a French subgroup via the subsidiary VAP Restaurants SA, based in Luxembourg, and included this as an associated company in the Vapiano SE consolidated financial statements using the equity method. Due to the acquisition of additional shares in September of 2016, Vapiano SE's indirect share in the French subgroup increased to 75%. This means that Vapiano SE takes control of the French subgroup, which is therefore included in the group’s financial statements as part of the full consolidation. The revenue from the acquired subsidiary now recorded in the consolidated income statement amounts to 12.8 million euros. While that’s great for the top line, the loss of the fully consolidated entity equates to 0.2 million euros. Yes, you are buying revenue, but there are losses attached to them, not profits. A similar case is the Swedish entity that runs eight restaurants with revenue of 11.5 million euros but has losses of 235 thousand euros. So much for Strategy 2020 and “profitable” growth.That year the group’s operating profits are absolutely tanking, halving to 3.5 million euros. Operating profits are now a mere 1,4% of revenue. Remember original founder Mark Korzilius who talked about operating margins of 25% to 28% at the restaurant level? Yes, there are overhead costs for the organization that sits above the chain of restaurants, but operating margins that low indicates a course correction is needed. What’s telling is that in the annual report, in the management discussion section, the company starts talking about EBITDA as a proxy measure of profitability, rather than operating profit or net income. This wasn’t the case in the years before. Is this window dressing for an upcoming IPO? EBITDA is short for earnings before interest, tax, depreciation, and amortization. How can you measure profitability of a restaurant chain that absolutely and unequivocally needs capital investment to maintain its restaurant operations, the very source of cash generation, by simply excluding this maintenance charge (depreciation in the income statement)? Vapiano’s own annual report talks about the fact that existing restaurants must be rejuvenated from time to time and that new interior designs have to be implemented every few years. These things wear and tear, they go out of style, kitchen equipment breaks and needs replacement. This business absolutely needs maintenance capital expenditure, why anyone talks of profits before these maintenance costs is beyond me. Fun fact: in the previous annual report EBITDA is mentioned seven times, mostly around restaurant acquisitions and financing, not however as a profit indication for the group. In the new annual report, EBITDA is mentioned 28 times. Maybe it’s just me but belated Charlie Munger liked to call EBITDA: bullsh*t earnings. When in doubt I stick with Charlie. Interestingly, EBITDA for Vapiano keeps growing while operating and net profits keep falling. Operating cashflow for the group that year is about 21 million euros, but capital expenditure is 30 million and acquisitions for subsidiaries another 20 million. To finance these expenditures another 28 million euros of debt and 16 million of equity is raised. Net debt rises above 130 million euro. The operating cashflow of the group before any capital expenditures is 21 million euros. I am not sure free cash flow would be significantly positive after maintenance capex is paid out; it’s not broken out so we can’t be sure. Granted, I am not on the ground during this time, and I am not in the board room, I am simply reading what’s in front of me, but to me this is starting to look like a distressed situation. Regardless, the following year the company goes public. IPOWhere are now in the year 2017 and its Vapiano’s first year as public company. The company’s annual report reads the following “Sales revenue, like-for-like growth (LfL) and the earnings figures EBITDA and adjusted EBITDA are used as the most important financial performance indicators for controlling operational business activities.” The very same report however also says: “The majority of the group's investments regularly go towards opening new restaurant locations and modernizing existing restaurants. The latter are differentiated into regular replacement investments that occur during ongoing operations (Maintenance CAPEX) and fundamental investments in the renovation of a restaurant (Remodeling CAPEX). On average, a restaurant remodeling takes place nine years after opening.” It says it right there in their own report; every nine years a remodeling is taking place. Remodeling and updating is not cost free, so why exclude depreciation charges which reflect capital expenditures? I understand that perhaps you would want to strip out one-off opening costs, that’s fine and fair, but don’t go overboard.The number of restaurants increases by 26 (previous year: 13) to a total of 205. The increase consists of 27 new openings and one closure. Group revenue grows to an astonishing 325 million euros but here comes the shocker, operating profits turn negative to 25 million. Fine, strip out foreign exchange losses of 3 million, IPO costs of 5.8 million and new opening costs of 6.1 million and you still have 10 million euros of operational losses. All the while the debt load of almost 130 million hasn’t materially changed, so those operating losses are before a six-million-euro interest payment. 184 million euros are raised through the IPO of which 85 million go to the company. This money is earmarked for further expansion as the group has ambitions to almost double the footprint to 330 restaurants by the end of 2020. The company is currently not profitable on an operating basis, and still wants to expand aggressively? I don’t get it. The remaining 100 million euros of the IPO money raised is distributed to co-founder Gregor Gerlach and Wella heirs Hans-Joachim and Gisa Sander. The family office of the former Tchibo owners Günter and Daniela Herz with a 44% stake, don’t sell a single share. After the IPO, 32% of all the company’s shares are now in free float. One year later, in 2018, things get even worse. Revenue grows to 371 million, but operating losses mount to 85 million euros, that’s before interest expenses of 9 million. Even the beloved EBITDA figure turns negative, meaning the operating business before any expansionary or even maintenance capital expenditures is loss making. All regions are experiencing significant deterioration in their earnings profiles. Like for like sales are down 1% across the board. That’s revenue, not profitability. The question naturally arises: is the Group approaching its natural saturation point here or this operational by nature? The operating cash flow is now 9 million while financing cost are close to 7 million. That leaves 2 million for maintenance capital for 74 own restaurants and 76 joint ventures ones. Describing this as financially tight, would be an understatement. Things are not looking good at this point. Yet the company still grows restaurants by 26 new sites. 64 million euros are spent on acquisitions, new openings, and maintenance costs, financed through a 20 million-euro equity raise and 72 million of new debt. The Company now has net debt outstanding of over 160 million euros. After the equity raise and by the end of the year 2018, Mayfair owns 47.4%, VAP Leipzig, Gregor Gerlach’s entity owns 18.9% and the Sander couple own 15.5% of the company. Yes, the Sanders and Gerlach may have taken 100 million euros off the table, but they still have substantial skin in the game. Plus, Mayfair hasn’t sold a single share and instead injects more money into the company through the equity round. The stock has now fallen from its IPO price of 23 euros per share to under 6 euros by the end of 2018. Something must be done here. And indeed, there is pivot in strategy and a hard push for change. At last, the management team abandons its aggressive growth plan and curtails new openings significantly. Additionally, the team wants to run a thorough analysis of weak locations to then either discontinue or sell sites. In Europe, the operating focus will be put on corporate restaurants and joint ventures in major cities to ensure the ideal size and location to match the respective demographic target group. Outside of Europe, the franchising business is being expanded and at the same time a consolidation of the existing corporate and joint venture markets is being sought. All future investments will be reviewed to achieve higher rates of returns on new openings. Investments are also being made in the renovation of older restaurants. The goal in the future is to also open smaller formats, like Mini-Vapianos (less than 400 square meters) or Freestander at prominent transportation hubs outside city centers (currently in Fürth and Toulouse) to cater to individual location requirements, and to enter new partnerships. I am not sure why management hasn’t stopped all expansion altogether, bringing the ship in order first, getting profitable, clean up, all hands-on deck before considering any further expansions whatsoever. But again, it’s easy to comment from the sidelines; maybe they saw white spaces that would be covered by competing concepts if they weren’t moving fast and aggressively enough. Although pushing internationally means competing with local players such as Jamie's Italian, Prezzo, Pizza Express, Wagamama, Nando's and many more which brings in its own dynamic. Management also aims to enhance guest satisfaction. This involves refining operational processes, reorganizing the support center, and refocusing on the core offering: providing fresh and high-quality Italian food at affordable prices for a broad audience. The group also aims to reduce waiting times, especially during lunch, while also improving the evening atmosphere. There is even what I would call an evolution, away from Vapiano’s original concept, reorientating the customer journey. The ordering flow is being changed, offering guests synchronized preparations of all dishes while eliminating wait times at the cooking stations. The open show kitchen remains, staying true to original mantra of freshness and transparency but now guests can choose their preferred method of ordering through a mobile app, using a digital order point (kiosk), or by personally placing an order with a waiter. Guests can still freely choose their table and are then informed about the complete preparation of their order through a pager or their smartphone. This is a substantial deviation from the original concept, but a needed one. The group is also exploring and implementing the expansion of take-away and home delivery services but only at suitable locations, not universally across new openings. I am not sure why home delivery is even a priority here; it adds operational complexity. It’s better to clean up shop first and get back to the basics before adding new complexities. To be fair management does try to simplify. There are 49 different permanent dishes on the menu and additional 10 seasonal ones. Customers can choose from eleven different types of pasta. There is simply too much choice, and it makes orders complicated. The company announced to slim the menu down to its most popular and typical Vapiano dishes. There’s no need for an Asian salad at an Italian restaurant. "We have to go back to the roots, i.e. classic, honest Italian cuisine" says COO Everke. Regardless, in November of 2018, the supervisory board pulls the plug on CEO Jochen Halfmann and replaces him with Cornelius Everke. Everke himself has just become COO five months ago. Since 2017 he was responsible for international expansion. From 2011 to 2017 that role was filled by Mario Bauer – put a pin in that name, he’ll play a key role in the groups fate later. Then nine months later, in the middle of 2019, Cornelius Everke quits. He essentially concludes that his skillset and experience in the areas of internation expansion is no longer needed in the foreseeable future. To put it differently: Vapiano has moved from a growth story and has become a restructuring case, and other skills are required for that job. In June of 2019 Everke says the following “(we’ve) made a bit of a mistake when it came to foreign expansion”. No sh#t. Vapiano postpones the presentation of the 2018 annual financial statements three times in the spring of 2019, citing negotiations over an urgently needed loan of 30 million euros. It’s not until the end of May that a binding loan commitment comes through from the financing banks and major shareholders. We are now in August of 2019 and the corona pandemic is just around the corner. Supervisory board chief Vanessa Hall takes over as interim-CEO and things are unravelling. Visitor numbers are declining; originally, it was planned to sell the US business but halfway through the year the buyer cannot come up with the money. But not all restaurants are performing poorly. The group's poor figures contrast starkly as an example with the experiences of the Swiss-German franchisee, who runs six restaurants. The Sodano family in Switzerland pays Vapiano a royalty of 6% of sales for the use of the brand. Enrico Sodano explains in an interview that they operate largely autonomously from the licensor. If an “accident” were to occur, he could immediately replace the Vapiano sign with Sodano, he says. The family concluded the rents and contracts with employees and suppliers independently. The Sodano family have six locations in Bern, Basel and Zurich, around one million guests every year and 350 employees. Things are going well on the ground. The delivery service they’ve built is offering them a second income stream. Expansion into Winterthur, St. Gallen and Lucerne are being planned; small locations with 150 to 250 square meters and an attached delivery service. Originally, Vapiano restaurants used to be huge but for such a large restaurant to be profitable, 800 to 1,000 guests per day are needed. That’s possible in medium-sized cities, but not in smaller towns which is why the Vapiano group now also supports smaller formats. Back to our corporate drama. The 2019 annual report would be the last report the group files. By the end 2019 the outstanding debt of the company is at an astronomical 450 million euros. Revenue has grown by another 7%, produced by four net new openings through two JVs and two franchise restaurants but operating losses come in at 317 million euros. That sound like an absolute shocker at first but depreciation and amortization charges are 345 million, so that operating cash flow is actually positive but unfortunately capital expenditures and interest payments are so large that they are eating up all of the company’s operating cash flow. Then in the beginning of 2020 Corona hits with full force and the world shuts down. As a result of the measures to prevent further spreading of the virus, the group is forced to cease all global business operations (except in Sweden). While all these shutdowns are happening, the group is the middle of negotiating with its lending banks and main shareholders. There are additional financing needs for restructuring measures, even without a pandemic happening in the background. The situation is so dire that the company starts pleading to the German government to roll out the package of financial help more quickly. Unfortunately, it’s to no end. The rapid closure of restaurants and the resulting lack of operating cash inflows in conjunction with the additional financing requirements, lead to the company’s final knockout punch. In April of 2020, the Vapiano group officially files for insolvency proceedings. The end of an era. New BeginningsBecause of the pandemic, the majority of the group's subsidiaries in Austria, the Netherlands, Denmark, the United States, Sweden, and China also file for insolvency or seek liquidation. The US business never gets sold in the end and is wound down. In the summer of 2020, significant group divestments occur, including the sale of 75% shares in the group's French subsidiaries, shares in franchisor companies, Australian subsidiaries, German subsidiaries, associated companies, self-managed restaurants in Germany, and insolvency-related sales in the Netherlands, Great Britain, and Sweden. The buyer of the Vapiano brand and one of these bundles of Vapiano restaurants is company named Love & Food Restaurant Holding, a consortium led by Mario C. Bauer – a name I told you to remember. Bauer was a former Vapiano board member and led the national and international expansion, opening 200 sites in 33 countries from 2011 to 2017 until he was succeeded by Cornelius Everke. Bauer didn’t feel comfortable with the IPO at the time but clearly has a lot of managerial and entrepreneurial talent.The buyer consortium is an absolute A-Team comprised of European QSR top league hitters, including the founder of the Pret A Manger chain Sinclair Beecham; Henry McGovern, the founder and Ex-CEO of the giant international restaurant and foodservice operator AmRest; the Van der Valk Family that runs hotels and Vapiano restaurants in the Netherlands, and co-founder and ex-CEO Gregor Gerlach. The acquisition value is 15 million euros and entails 30 Vapiano restaurants in Germany, albeit that’s just the purchase price which comes on top of any capital investment needed to refresh and return the sites to its former glory. Nevertheless, just as a thought experiment, if you can get each site to 2 million euros of revenue and 400,000 euros in operating profit on average, which wouldn’t be an overly aggressively assumption given the company’s history, you’ve got yourself a package that can deliver restaurant-level operating profits of 12 million euros or more. It’s not disclosed how much capex was needed to refresh the operations, just that fact that the overall investment plus purchase price was a middle double-digit million-euro figure. Stil, it probably was a decent purchase. The same consortium buys Vapiano’s French business for 25 million euros just two weeks prior. After the transaction concludes, the master franchise is given to Delf Neumann and his Gastro & Soul GmbH. Neumann is an experienced operator, and he is ambitious to revitalise the brand with new services and products. For example, instead of pizza, the restaurants will be serving pinsa - a flatbread made from sourdough, wheat and rice flour, topped similarly to a pizza. It targets a more health-oriented customer base looking for a less calory heavy option. The menu overall is expanded by including a variety of vegan and vegetarian dishes. https://preview.redd.it/kpt7ea6red0d1.png?width=1242&format=png&auto=webp&s=c9930ced85ee364e9df414547cae06b47a03fc19 Today Neumann’s Gastro & Soul GmbH operates 18 Vapianos on its own account and has 29 franchise sites, amongst other brands. By the year 2021, Vapiano operates 191 restaurants in 34 countries. This is around 50 fewer sites than before the bankruptcy. The number of branches is particularly thinned out in Germany – from 80 to 55. Nevertheless, Vapiano's home country remains by far the largest market, followed by France with 35 restaurants and Austria with 15 locations. “We have shrunk ourselves to health,” says Bauer in the aftermath and there is no further shrinking planned. Quite the opposite, the smell of expansion is in the air again – pun intended. Not as aggressively as before and with a new menu and ordering process. Overall, the team around Bauer is filled with industry experts with knowledge and networks gained over decades who have a great track record, a long-term view, and the staying power to let Vapiano breath and finds its way back to success. The pressure of being a public company with all the associated quarterly, half-year and yearly disincentives have been removed. The menu is changed and extended with new types of pasta and sauces with significantly more vegetarian and vegan dishes available. Guests can order with restaurant staff, at terminals or on their phones and there are barcodes attached to the tables identify the respective seat. The food is brought to your table, all at the same time if you are in a group, no more annoyances with waiting in line. There is a plan for smaller, 350 square meter locations, with half the number of guests and significantly fewer staff and less set-up costs required to make the economics work. Locations that capitalize on remote work and increased demand for local lunch options, higher population density with shorter delivery routes and therefore cost-effective in house delivery services are targeted. And Bauer is testing the concept of ghost kitchens, which operate without a dining room or service staff, focusing solely on preparing food for delivery services, which for obvious reasons have a very different operational set up and footprint. Original founder Mark Korzilius however is not entirely convinced. He is not a fan of the pinsa for instance and he considers Vapiano's pizza as its cash cow, flagship product and believes that the core Vapiano proposition of Pizza, Pasta, Bar that has given the company its original success is being diluted. He instead admires the competitor L'Osteria, saying they’ve done a better job by focusing on Italian classics, especially the impressively large pizzas that sticks out beyond the plate is leaving every customer in awe. The guys who run L’Osteria are the same guys who have built Vapiano with him in the first place. Bauer on the other hand, like a true business leader, remains undeterred, stating that he is frequently asked whether Vapiano's restart was bold or foolish. He believes in entrepreneurship, franchising, in his experienced fellow partners and importantly the Vapiano concept. By the year 2024 you can find over 140 Vapiano branded restaurant in 27 countries across the globe, including locations far away from its birthplace like Australia, USA, Columbia, Chile, Bahrain, and Saudi Arabia. And why not? Italian food is, and will remain to be, incredibly popular. Vapiano offers fresh and tasty food at affordable prices in a good atmosphere. This combination of attributes should attract a lot of customers. It certainly has in the past. For more stories: WIP Thomas Weitzendoerfer Substack |
2024.05.14 12:34 Bubbly-Emu95 Ex boyfriend (30M) wants an abortion, I (28F) want to keep the baby but I am scared to raise the baby on my own
I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my ex boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. We spent the last 2 years having sex almost everyday without contraceptives, as we were ready for any risks, we were not actively trying, but not actively preventing.
We decided to take a break due to arguments over the past month, and on our last day together, we had unprotective sex (we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks at that point). I took a test upon unusual symptoms and missed period, and discovered I am pregnant.
I informed him last week and I think he’s still in denial. He asked me to go for a scan to confirm so he can tell his parents and he has expressed that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for him, and I should get an abortion. He is not ready for fatherhood and doesn’t see that we can work things out in the future. I encouraged him to reconcile, not as a couple, but as civil adults to make communications easier in the following weeks or potentially years. He refused and told me I should talk to people for advice. I have spoke to my best friends and I don’t have a solution, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father figure but I also don’t want to have this kind of father in its life. I only had one sex partner my whole life so there is no possibility that he is not the father. I’m personally also not ready to raise the child as a single mother without support. If this pregnancy happened few months back, I would not have the same doubts I currently have. I considered abortion after the conversation with him but I don’t want to end my own child’s life because of our unresolved issues. My family don’t live in the same country as me, so I will not have day-to-day help. My friends are supportive but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to raise the baby without a partner. I have all sorts of concerns and I am not in the right headspace at the moment to be thinking clearly.
For context - I (28F) moved in to live with my boyfriend (30M) after 2 years of dating, we barely had any disagreements throughout the first 2 years, we were both in love, and decided that we were ready for our next stages in life so we moved in together. We were certain that we were compatible despite our differences in interests - we are very different people in the best ways, and grew to love and learn of each other’s character. Our lives are very intertwined, and our respective friend groups are very involved in our lives. We had a healthy lifestyle and socially active ever since we got together.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were discussing wedding plans. We previously agreed that we would move in together > get engaged > married > have children. I expressed that I didn’t really want to move in together until I get a reassurance from him this is for lifetime, he told me not to worry because he already had plans to propose to me and it’s ok to move in first and then get married as we are living together. He suggested that we could plan the wedding first because weddings take at least a year ahead to plan, and the proposal will happen sometime later this year. Our first big argument came because of his unrealistic expectations and lack of logic and sense in event planning (he was never really a planner or an organized person, I do most of our travel logistics and household plannings).
Few weeks later I discovered that he was withholding his plans made with a colleague that I didn’t particularly liked, I felt strange that he had to hide this fact from me. I don’t believe that he was disloyal or anything but I didn’t understand why he lied. I exploded, demanded to check his phone, then I discovered more things he was hiding from me, including going on walks during lunch with the same female colleagues. I also discovered the group chat with his boys where they were making jokes about us getting married. I was livid and we argued over our definition of commitment, I questioned his maturity and his intentions to settle. He told me he was ready to settle with me, and suggested that we go pick out rings the next day.
The real issue came in when he called his parents to ask them for their blessing in our marriage. His parents disapproved, and called me materialistic, questioned my family, my social circle, my religion, my political views… etc. My boyfriend could’ve easily justified every one of the points they have made about me but I guess he was too in shock of their response to defend me. His parents never really agreed with our relationship to begin with, they never wanted him to date and thinks he should be focused on his career at this age rather than dating, despite this we spent every holidays and celebrations the last two years with his family and we thought they have grown to accept me as they had been very friendly with me, I guess it was all a facade. I was disappointed and lashed out at him. And somehow our previous issue with his ‘commitment’ was brushed under the rug.
He says he cannot propose to me when he doesn’t have his parents blessing. I gave him a deadline the next day to make a decision, if he cannot talk it out with his parents then I will have to let this end. He came back the next day, and told me his dad apologized and would like to reconcile with me. And he came back to tell me he was ready to settle.
The following weeks we continued to have smaller disagreements and I was still uncomfortable to face his parents, as he would return home a different person, and treats me worse every time after every time he had met up with his parents. Before all these issues, we had made plans to visit my grandparents and his extended family who were both living in the same country. On our way there, I expressed that I would want to remain with my grandparents and not join his family trip as I’m not ready to face his parents yet. He tried to persuade me to go and that his parents will apologize to me, but I was still very uncomfortable. I told him I’ll only go if he can give me reassurance and that I will only go on another family trip with him if he can give me the status as his fiancé before I can face them. He said if he were to propose to me now he cannot face his parents, and he told his parents he has plans to propose to me on this trip, but they insisted that they should reconcile with me before he can propose as I would potentially “steal their grandchildren away from them” in the future if we don’t make up. He told me he even brought the ring with him but he can’t do it. I walked away from him, I felt so betrayed and lost in a foreign country. I got very emotional and told him he made feel worthless and want to end my life. I was not in the right headspace after a whole month of torment and I didn’t have the energy to reason with him any longer. I gave in and proceeded with the rest of our trip.
The day before we went to meet his family, I told him I wanted to go somewhere else instead and I still wasn’t ready. When he was making changes to our tickets, I saw his sister’s message on his phone, saying that it’ll be better in the long run if he sort out the parents issue first and don’t propose to me yet. I snatched his phone and spoke with his sister. After I told her everything, she apologized and gave me the reassurance that their family will treat me with respect and will apologize to me the first thing they see me, and that they just want to reconcile before we move forward to the next stage in life. I felt it was reasonable and reassured after my conversation with her, so I decided to give it a go.
When we did finally meet up with his parents, they pretended as if nothing has happened. Few days later we finally had the ‘conversation’. His dad started off by saying he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to get married at the moment, and kept going on about their same points again, he said our relationship hasn’t been long enough for us to decide marriage at this stage. They claimed their comments weren’t a personal attack, they didn’t apologize and said that I was ‘thinking too much’ for this to be a personal attack because it was simply a generalization, then dismissed me for being upset for hearing from my bf because he wasn’t supposed to tell me, and proceeds to keep commenting about me and my friends and how they disagree with their celebrations of weddings.
I respectfully explained we are not having these discussions about marriage out of no where, we have been having discussions on marriage throughout our 2 years. In fact our plans to have children was the basis of our relationship and were his requirements, and we just want to move forward with the next part of our lives. His mom doesn’t think I need to think about having children at this moment and it’s not a good time for us to have children, because she had kids much later in life and apparently so is everyone else, and we shouldn’t be following my ‘timeline’ on when things should be happening. Apparently I should not have such control over the timing of giving birth ‘like a reproduction machine’, and it’s not right to have to set such timeline on how much time I need for recovery and time between having each children. She asks why do we feel the need and so early in life to get married now? And ditch your own families and start your own life.
His dad said I should not decide right now how many kids we need to have and it’s rather in gods hands to decide, and some people are not even be able to have more than 1 kid, I asked him why is this relevant in regards to our plans to have kids… so I have to listen to god now and have kids without planning? And then he started giving this bs about god and how we are not meant to plan ‘these things’ out in life so specifically. I asked him: What is wrong with being practical and setting realistic goals. He claimed he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have plans but we shouldn’t be so set and ‘controlling’ over our own lives. He has experience and we should listen to the grown ups with experience… I knew the conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere as soon as he brings religion into this.
My boyfriend just stood there in silence. After the conversation ended we both walked away from his parents, he apologized to me and told me he’s sorry for any of the things his parents have said to me and I didn’t deserve it. He says he won’t listen to his parents anymore, and he knows how to make this right, and he will propose once we return to my grandparent’s place. I didn’t challenge him anymore because I that was the reassurance I needed from him, and I was happy that he was finally able to see his parents for who they are.
The following days of the trip, his dad tried to isolate him from rest of the family to give him the same lecture. Every time he rejoins the group I can see from his expression that their conversation did not go well, I didn’t comment. On the day we returned to my grandparent’s home, he told me he can’t follow through with his promises. And his dad told him he shouldn’t feel guilty for making promises to me and be pressured into marriage. Somehow this convinced himself into thinking he’s not ready for marriage all along. I walked away from him and we spent 3 days apart before our flight to return home.
On our last day, we met up for closure, talked through what happened and we had sex. I told him I wasn’t ready to fly back home with him and I didn’t want to fall back into the vicious cycle of arguments, and that we should have some time to cool things down before we reconnect. We agreed to give each other some space and he wants to learn more about himself before he makes commitment to me as he doesn’t want to disappoint me again.
A week after he got back, he told me he wants to move out of our co-rented apartment, and he wants to break lease. I was a bit confused because I thought he wanted to work on himself, and him moving out essentially is an indication of a break up to me. He said if I don’t let him move out, I’m not giving him space to work on himself. I didn’t really have an option so I agreed. We didn’t talk afterwards.
3 weeks later, I missed my period, I took a test and was positive.
submitted by Bubbly-Emu95 to pregnant [link] [comments]
We decided to take a break due to arguments over the past month, and on our last day together, we had unprotective sex (we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks at that point). I took a test upon unusual symptoms and missed period, and discovered I am pregnant.
I informed him last week and I think he’s still in denial. He asked me to go for a scan to confirm so he can tell his parents and he has expressed that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for him, and I should get an abortion. He is not ready for fatherhood and doesn’t see that we can work things out in the future. I encouraged him to reconcile, not as a couple, but as civil adults to make communications easier in the following weeks or potentially years. He refused and told me I should talk to people for advice. I have spoke to my best friends and I don’t have a solution, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father figure but I also don’t want to have this kind of father in its life. I only had one sex partner my whole life so there is no possibility that he is not the father. I’m personally also not ready to raise the child as a single mother without support. If this pregnancy happened few months back, I would not have the same doubts I currently have. I considered abortion after the conversation with him but I don’t want to end my own child’s life because of our unresolved issues. My family don’t live in the same country as me, so I will not have day-to-day help. My friends are supportive but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to raise the baby without a partner. I have all sorts of concerns and I am not in the right headspace at the moment to be thinking clearly.
For context - I (28F) moved in to live with my boyfriend (30M) after 2 years of dating, we barely had any disagreements throughout the first 2 years, we were both in love, and decided that we were ready for our next stages in life so we moved in together. We were certain that we were compatible despite our differences in interests - we are very different people in the best ways, and grew to love and learn of each other’s character. Our lives are very intertwined, and our respective friend groups are very involved in our lives. We had a healthy lifestyle and socially active ever since we got together.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were discussing wedding plans. We previously agreed that we would move in together > get engaged > married > have children. I expressed that I didn’t really want to move in together until I get a reassurance from him this is for lifetime, he told me not to worry because he already had plans to propose to me and it’s ok to move in first and then get married as we are living together. He suggested that we could plan the wedding first because weddings take at least a year ahead to plan, and the proposal will happen sometime later this year. Our first big argument came because of his unrealistic expectations and lack of logic and sense in event planning (he was never really a planner or an organized person, I do most of our travel logistics and household plannings).
Few weeks later I discovered that he was withholding his plans made with a colleague that I didn’t particularly liked, I felt strange that he had to hide this fact from me. I don’t believe that he was disloyal or anything but I didn’t understand why he lied. I exploded, demanded to check his phone, then I discovered more things he was hiding from me, including going on walks during lunch with the same female colleagues. I also discovered the group chat with his boys where they were making jokes about us getting married. I was livid and we argued over our definition of commitment, I questioned his maturity and his intentions to settle. He told me he was ready to settle with me, and suggested that we go pick out rings the next day.
The real issue came in when he called his parents to ask them for their blessing in our marriage. His parents disapproved, and called me materialistic, questioned my family, my social circle, my religion, my political views… etc. My boyfriend could’ve easily justified every one of the points they have made about me but I guess he was too in shock of their response to defend me. His parents never really agreed with our relationship to begin with, they never wanted him to date and thinks he should be focused on his career at this age rather than dating, despite this we spent every holidays and celebrations the last two years with his family and we thought they have grown to accept me as they had been very friendly with me, I guess it was all a facade. I was disappointed and lashed out at him. And somehow our previous issue with his ‘commitment’ was brushed under the rug.
He says he cannot propose to me when he doesn’t have his parents blessing. I gave him a deadline the next day to make a decision, if he cannot talk it out with his parents then I will have to let this end. He came back the next day, and told me his dad apologized and would like to reconcile with me. And he came back to tell me he was ready to settle.
The following weeks we continued to have smaller disagreements and I was still uncomfortable to face his parents, as he would return home a different person, and treats me worse every time after every time he had met up with his parents. Before all these issues, we had made plans to visit my grandparents and his extended family who were both living in the same country. On our way there, I expressed that I would want to remain with my grandparents and not join his family trip as I’m not ready to face his parents yet. He tried to persuade me to go and that his parents will apologize to me, but I was still very uncomfortable. I told him I’ll only go if he can give me reassurance and that I will only go on another family trip with him if he can give me the status as his fiancé before I can face them. He said if he were to propose to me now he cannot face his parents, and he told his parents he has plans to propose to me on this trip, but they insisted that they should reconcile with me before he can propose as I would potentially “steal their grandchildren away from them” in the future if we don’t make up. He told me he even brought the ring with him but he can’t do it. I walked away from him, I felt so betrayed and lost in a foreign country. I got very emotional and told him he made feel worthless and want to end my life. I was not in the right headspace after a whole month of torment and I didn’t have the energy to reason with him any longer. I gave in and proceeded with the rest of our trip.
The day before we went to meet his family, I told him I wanted to go somewhere else instead and I still wasn’t ready. When he was making changes to our tickets, I saw his sister’s message on his phone, saying that it’ll be better in the long run if he sort out the parents issue first and don’t propose to me yet. I snatched his phone and spoke with his sister. After I told her everything, she apologized and gave me the reassurance that their family will treat me with respect and will apologize to me the first thing they see me, and that they just want to reconcile before we move forward to the next stage in life. I felt it was reasonable and reassured after my conversation with her, so I decided to give it a go.
When we did finally meet up with his parents, they pretended as if nothing has happened. Few days later we finally had the ‘conversation’. His dad started off by saying he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to get married at the moment, and kept going on about their same points again, he said our relationship hasn’t been long enough for us to decide marriage at this stage. They claimed their comments weren’t a personal attack, they didn’t apologize and said that I was ‘thinking too much’ for this to be a personal attack because it was simply a generalization, then dismissed me for being upset for hearing from my bf because he wasn’t supposed to tell me, and proceeds to keep commenting about me and my friends and how they disagree with their celebrations of weddings.
I respectfully explained we are not having these discussions about marriage out of no where, we have been having discussions on marriage throughout our 2 years. In fact our plans to have children was the basis of our relationship and were his requirements, and we just want to move forward with the next part of our lives. His mom doesn’t think I need to think about having children at this moment and it’s not a good time for us to have children, because she had kids much later in life and apparently so is everyone else, and we shouldn’t be following my ‘timeline’ on when things should be happening. Apparently I should not have such control over the timing of giving birth ‘like a reproduction machine’, and it’s not right to have to set such timeline on how much time I need for recovery and time between having each children. She asks why do we feel the need and so early in life to get married now? And ditch your own families and start your own life.
His dad said I should not decide right now how many kids we need to have and it’s rather in gods hands to decide, and some people are not even be able to have more than 1 kid, I asked him why is this relevant in regards to our plans to have kids… so I have to listen to god now and have kids without planning? And then he started giving this bs about god and how we are not meant to plan ‘these things’ out in life so specifically. I asked him: What is wrong with being practical and setting realistic goals. He claimed he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have plans but we shouldn’t be so set and ‘controlling’ over our own lives. He has experience and we should listen to the grown ups with experience… I knew the conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere as soon as he brings religion into this.
My boyfriend just stood there in silence. After the conversation ended we both walked away from his parents, he apologized to me and told me he’s sorry for any of the things his parents have said to me and I didn’t deserve it. He says he won’t listen to his parents anymore, and he knows how to make this right, and he will propose once we return to my grandparent’s place. I didn’t challenge him anymore because I that was the reassurance I needed from him, and I was happy that he was finally able to see his parents for who they are.
The following days of the trip, his dad tried to isolate him from rest of the family to give him the same lecture. Every time he rejoins the group I can see from his expression that their conversation did not go well, I didn’t comment. On the day we returned to my grandparent’s home, he told me he can’t follow through with his promises. And his dad told him he shouldn’t feel guilty for making promises to me and be pressured into marriage. Somehow this convinced himself into thinking he’s not ready for marriage all along. I walked away from him and we spent 3 days apart before our flight to return home.
On our last day, we met up for closure, talked through what happened and we had sex. I told him I wasn’t ready to fly back home with him and I didn’t want to fall back into the vicious cycle of arguments, and that we should have some time to cool things down before we reconnect. We agreed to give each other some space and he wants to learn more about himself before he makes commitment to me as he doesn’t want to disappoint me again.
A week after he got back, he told me he wants to move out of our co-rented apartment, and he wants to break lease. I was a bit confused because I thought he wanted to work on himself, and him moving out essentially is an indication of a break up to me. He said if I don’t let him move out, I’m not giving him space to work on himself. I didn’t really have an option so I agreed. We didn’t talk afterwards.
3 weeks later, I missed my period, I took a test and was positive.
2024.05.14 12:24 Chode444 AITA for telling my mother I am not motivated to put effort in a relationship with her?
I, 18F, have come to terms with the fact I probably have enmeshment trauma from my mother.
She hid my passport when I was sixteen after I had mutually agreed to go and see my dad because I had not seen him since she left the house two years ago. In the process she made me aware of his affairs, and pornography problem during my ch and has spoken of this frequently. I have basically been her only emotional support, she lacks boundaries and when mt family has mistreat her she will inform me every time and ask me for advice. She had isolated me from my friends on multiple occasions, she would not let me sleep over at their houses or attend their parties, I was going to hold something in my home for my seventeenth and she had cancelled it herself- this was slightly understandable as my grandmother had been ill and my mum had said she was overwhelmed. My mum also damaged other forms of interpersonal relationships, on my very first date, I had got stranded in my dates town after the public transport in the area was down , and my mother told my father not to send me my allowance to get home, and state she would rather have me use a four hour cab service. When she caught wind i had sex for the first time, I didnt even know how I barely speak in the house, she slut shamed me. I had to go to the police privately for a matter and needed my phone scanned, because I was under eighteen I needed her consent and she had cancelled my case because she ‘did not trust the police.’ The household climate will also depend on her mood, from about December to March it became unliveable. Three weeks prior to new years, I had told her that I was going clubbng with my friend on new years. We get to two days before, my mother state that I should spend time with ‘family’ and go to church. On New Year’s Eve she said that she did not give me her blessing and if I left, I would have to find somewhere else to live and I would not be her child. Another instance, I had rearranged plans and decided to go out with another friend, she proceeded to say that I could go out with her and see my grandmother- for context my mother quit her job last year to care for my grandmother as she has demeNatia- and that I was the most selfish person she knew, how could she raise a child so selfish. And this kind of erratic utterance would be pretty regular and intense. I am autistic and when I have had meltdowns in my room, and let her know prior I do not wish to have her come in, she would do anyway and blame me for screaming at her when she invaded my space in that state.
I rarely make my friends aware of my home situation anymore, I have lost many individuals in my life, primarily due to them not comprehending the severity of my home life and just putting it under the bracket of a strict parent. I spend most of my time in my room doing work or engaging with my hobbies alone.
The other week for Mother’s Day we had gone to the theatre with my grandmother, there were three seats and one was quite away from the other two, I preferred the seat away from my mother, but they were still in eye view. Afterwards my mum asked me whether I wanted a relationship like she has with her grandmother, I bluntly responded with no, explained my position and left. I could be the asshole, its not like I don‘t love her, I feel like I have tolerated enough to a point where I do not mind a relationship with distance
submitted by Chode444 to AITAH [link] [comments]
She hid my passport when I was sixteen after I had mutually agreed to go and see my dad because I had not seen him since she left the house two years ago. In the process she made me aware of his affairs, and pornography problem during my ch and has spoken of this frequently. I have basically been her only emotional support, she lacks boundaries and when mt family has mistreat her she will inform me every time and ask me for advice. She had isolated me from my friends on multiple occasions, she would not let me sleep over at their houses or attend their parties, I was going to hold something in my home for my seventeenth and she had cancelled it herself- this was slightly understandable as my grandmother had been ill and my mum had said she was overwhelmed. My mum also damaged other forms of interpersonal relationships, on my very first date, I had got stranded in my dates town after the public transport in the area was down , and my mother told my father not to send me my allowance to get home, and state she would rather have me use a four hour cab service. When she caught wind i had sex for the first time, I didnt even know how I barely speak in the house, she slut shamed me. I had to go to the police privately for a matter and needed my phone scanned, because I was under eighteen I needed her consent and she had cancelled my case because she ‘did not trust the police.’ The household climate will also depend on her mood, from about December to March it became unliveable. Three weeks prior to new years, I had told her that I was going clubbng with my friend on new years. We get to two days before, my mother state that I should spend time with ‘family’ and go to church. On New Year’s Eve she said that she did not give me her blessing and if I left, I would have to find somewhere else to live and I would not be her child. Another instance, I had rearranged plans and decided to go out with another friend, she proceeded to say that I could go out with her and see my grandmother- for context my mother quit her job last year to care for my grandmother as she has demeNatia- and that I was the most selfish person she knew, how could she raise a child so selfish. And this kind of erratic utterance would be pretty regular and intense. I am autistic and when I have had meltdowns in my room, and let her know prior I do not wish to have her come in, she would do anyway and blame me for screaming at her when she invaded my space in that state.
I rarely make my friends aware of my home situation anymore, I have lost many individuals in my life, primarily due to them not comprehending the severity of my home life and just putting it under the bracket of a strict parent. I spend most of my time in my room doing work or engaging with my hobbies alone.
The other week for Mother’s Day we had gone to the theatre with my grandmother, there were three seats and one was quite away from the other two, I preferred the seat away from my mother, but they were still in eye view. Afterwards my mum asked me whether I wanted a relationship like she has with her grandmother, I bluntly responded with no, explained my position and left. I could be the asshole, its not like I don‘t love her, I feel like I have tolerated enough to a point where I do not mind a relationship with distance
2024.05.14 12:09 standupstrawberry I need help with how I view myself and other women
I can't believe it's come to this, but there's a bit of context required I think.
So I never used to really care about being paticularly feminine, it has always been kind of jarring when someone mistakes me for a man (I'm 5'2 and have huge boobs and long hair) but I thought I was pretty comfortable in myself. I haven't ever been really interested in makeup, hairstyles or dresses but have always thought women who are good at that stuff look nice and appreciated the amount of effort they make - I never had any hate toward them for doing that.
Last year I caught my partner of 16 years on dating apps have online relationships with multiple women - it had been going on for about 6 months and had started with those AI girlfriends and ended with him being the victim of a pig butchering scam (karma?), there were some actual women mixed in too. All the women he was chatting to online were all well put together and beautiful in their photos. In his defense when I found out he stopped, let me go through his phone and have access when I needed to reassure myself etc. We hadn't been nurturing our relationship as we should have been, life had got in the way and he has bee pretty good since. It took time but I'm not suspicious of him anymore. I know what he did is his fault and so does he. We have worked hard together over the last year to be better together.
The part that lingers is how I'm feeling about myself and women who do being a woman better than I ever will. I feel ugly, like I don't compare, like even when I try to look more feminine I'm failing at it, like I look wrong and out of place. But what's worse is how I have started thinking about other women and I didn't even really clock it straight away. It was only because I was getting to know another woman at work a bit better and my perception of her shifted, I realised I had basically been hating on her because her body is better than mine, her makeup is on point, her hair is lovely, she dresses well, she's a little younger than me and ngl this woman is legit beautiful. Instead of thinking all that I had been imagining her as a vacuous bitch who is a threat to me (how? She's lovely and married with kids).
Other than making an effort to get to know more women like this wtf do I do?
I don't want any suggestions about leaving my partner, that is still something we're working through it could happen regardless but I don't think that will solve this particular problem anyway.
submitted by standupstrawberry to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]
So I never used to really care about being paticularly feminine, it has always been kind of jarring when someone mistakes me for a man (I'm 5'2 and have huge boobs and long hair) but I thought I was pretty comfortable in myself. I haven't ever been really interested in makeup, hairstyles or dresses but have always thought women who are good at that stuff look nice and appreciated the amount of effort they make - I never had any hate toward them for doing that.
Last year I caught my partner of 16 years on dating apps have online relationships with multiple women - it had been going on for about 6 months and had started with those AI girlfriends and ended with him being the victim of a pig butchering scam (karma?), there were some actual women mixed in too. All the women he was chatting to online were all well put together and beautiful in their photos. In his defense when I found out he stopped, let me go through his phone and have access when I needed to reassure myself etc. We hadn't been nurturing our relationship as we should have been, life had got in the way and he has bee pretty good since. It took time but I'm not suspicious of him anymore. I know what he did is his fault and so does he. We have worked hard together over the last year to be better together.
The part that lingers is how I'm feeling about myself and women who do being a woman better than I ever will. I feel ugly, like I don't compare, like even when I try to look more feminine I'm failing at it, like I look wrong and out of place. But what's worse is how I have started thinking about other women and I didn't even really clock it straight away. It was only because I was getting to know another woman at work a bit better and my perception of her shifted, I realised I had basically been hating on her because her body is better than mine, her makeup is on point, her hair is lovely, she dresses well, she's a little younger than me and ngl this woman is legit beautiful. Instead of thinking all that I had been imagining her as a vacuous bitch who is a threat to me (how? She's lovely and married with kids).
Other than making an effort to get to know more women like this wtf do I do?
I don't want any suggestions about leaving my partner, that is still something we're working through it could happen regardless but I don't think that will solve this particular problem anyway.
2024.05.14 12:09 somethingtwice Am I the Jerk for sending my money through the mail and my grandpa stealing it?
My grandpa, who has taken care of me for almost as much as my parents have, scammed me out of $10,000 and nearly got me evicted. I've been renting my house now for about a year and a half, I have slaved every day since I was sixteen to earn enough money to be able to retire early. My grandfather is the one who taught me this, he has always told me to work and work and make money, this as you can tell, is something I have taken to heart. I love what I do but it weighs down on me, both physically and mentally. A few years ago, my grandpa took on a job at the post office, he has mentioned multiple times that this is his favorite job and that he makes a lot of money doing what he does, I found out why. The other day I got a call from my landlord, in a toned-down manner, he said, "I have sent you warning after *beep* warning, why do you *beep* think that I would let this go?" I was very confused about what he meant, so I asked him, "What do you mean?" he responded, "I am missing about $10,000 rent money from you!" Since my grandpa is the one I've always confided in when it comes to financial decisions, I called him in tears. After about an hour of having a mental breakdown over the phone with him, he confessed to me. Now I send my rent money through the same post office my grandpa works at and apparently he knows this (I never told him I did this.) and has picked out my letters and stolen the money. Once my screaming ended, he responded, nonchalantly, "You shouldn't send your money in the mail." I hung up. He hasn't offered to repay me and I don't expect him to. I know this is long, and I probably shouldn't be posting it, but I needed to rant.
TR;DR, I sent rent money through the mail and my grandpa stole it.
submitted by somethingtwice to AmITheJerk [link] [comments]
TR;DR, I sent rent money through the mail and my grandpa stole it.
2024.05.14 12:03 KittyCandie Is there anything that can be done to prohibit exes, new wife from forcing me to contact her and instead of him?
So my ex ex met this woman in November and after 28 days of knowing her proposed to her. I have three little girls with him. However, from the beginning, this woman has manipulated me unknowingly texting from his phone pretending to be like him, and then other times via his his phone, pretending to be him tells me that he would rather I go through this new fiancé (who is now wife). Who has zero boundaries. She literally came onto the scene as a random stranger, him having known her only a month. And then them getting engaged two weeks later, trying to take over the scene and telling me I'm going to deal with her instead. And I try to tell her I do not have any interest to coparent with a strangerand she always replies with. I'm his wife now it's so bizarre.
t's been this way all along long, since November, and then they got married in January. Since he married this girl, he's maybe total out of the entire year had maybe six or seven weekends. And before, he would never miss a weekend with his kids. She comes up with these bogus excuses, whenever I don't wanna bend to her will.
They don't attend our kids events, i've literally told my kids the reason being because I'm going to be there clearly it's a matter of jealousy and hatred for whatever reason I have no idea this is wicked. Anyway, I have not seen or spoke to their dad ever since they got together. And I mean that. Maybe on an occasion of once or twice on a house phone and which he just repeatedly kept telling me I'm gonna learn to respect his wife. It was so strange. It was like a broken record. But it's just so bizarre anyway, if I'm not able to do what, she desires which sometimes it's insisting that I go through her with coparenting like literally telling me any problem I have the girls I'm gonna go through her, down to cutting off his cell phone and not any of us allowed to have the new phone number and limited to a house landline That he never calls me back and every time he talks to my kids, he always mention things like did I tell them to, to listen or stalk?. or making statements, insisting that the reason they're calling me is because I told them to Call him for whatever reason. It has really affected the entire scheme of things because this woman has cut off and blocked all contact that I've attempted only to address parenting things, my kids are not allowed to call me when they're there, and my oldest has to turn in her cell phone. Which point now she doesn't even bring it. She's afraid. And as per my Childrens report, when they're there all she does is scream at him and they fight.
Additionally, anytime that they're with their dad at their new house that technically is both of their homes. (Dad moved into her place before marrying all so soon), this woman loves bombs the crap out of my kid, the oldest. And the youngest who is 2. But stonewalls the middle child and makes like she's the problem sort of. It's so messed up. And then she pulls these things where they're showing my girls. It's totally OK and easy for them to just drop out of their lives as they've done a few times. With no contact.It's so emotionally confusing and honestly traumatic to them especially because she imposes these ridiculous periods where dad is not gonna be able to care for the children because of all these impairments that come up and I'm not allowed to know what they are. She told me none of my business. So the fact that she's cutting off my kids from contact with her dad and he doesn't even call and then all of a sudden they wanna pop back in their life like nothing changed It's very very very detrimental to my girls.
What can I do legally? To where I don't have to deal with her at all. Or where it's a violation for her to even contact me? She keeps referencing the court order between he and I which she knows is so entirely vague. It literally just says " three weekends a month, visitation as mutually agreed by both parties" and that's about it. As, it says as mutually agreed which was fine with us because we definitely had our own thing going for a few years that was totally fine, but she keeps mentioning it that the court order there's a lack of mention on the Transportation, which she keeps forcing me to bring them out there, knowing I don't have a vehicle and uses that as a reason to not take them, it's also messed up
. What can I do to cut her out of our parenting? And force him to talk to me?this lady is so twisted. I can't imagine what is being told to him, that he's just totally OK with this
submitted by KittyCandie to FamilyLaw [link] [comments]
t's been this way all along long, since November, and then they got married in January. Since he married this girl, he's maybe total out of the entire year had maybe six or seven weekends. And before, he would never miss a weekend with his kids. She comes up with these bogus excuses, whenever I don't wanna bend to her will.
They don't attend our kids events, i've literally told my kids the reason being because I'm going to be there clearly it's a matter of jealousy and hatred for whatever reason I have no idea this is wicked. Anyway, I have not seen or spoke to their dad ever since they got together. And I mean that. Maybe on an occasion of once or twice on a house phone and which he just repeatedly kept telling me I'm gonna learn to respect his wife. It was so strange. It was like a broken record. But it's just so bizarre anyway, if I'm not able to do what, she desires which sometimes it's insisting that I go through her with coparenting like literally telling me any problem I have the girls I'm gonna go through her, down to cutting off his cell phone and not any of us allowed to have the new phone number and limited to a house landline That he never calls me back and every time he talks to my kids, he always mention things like did I tell them to, to listen or stalk?. or making statements, insisting that the reason they're calling me is because I told them to Call him for whatever reason. It has really affected the entire scheme of things because this woman has cut off and blocked all contact that I've attempted only to address parenting things, my kids are not allowed to call me when they're there, and my oldest has to turn in her cell phone. Which point now she doesn't even bring it. She's afraid. And as per my Childrens report, when they're there all she does is scream at him and they fight.
Additionally, anytime that they're with their dad at their new house that technically is both of their homes. (Dad moved into her place before marrying all so soon), this woman loves bombs the crap out of my kid, the oldest. And the youngest who is 2. But stonewalls the middle child and makes like she's the problem sort of. It's so messed up. And then she pulls these things where they're showing my girls. It's totally OK and easy for them to just drop out of their lives as they've done a few times. With no contact.It's so emotionally confusing and honestly traumatic to them especially because she imposes these ridiculous periods where dad is not gonna be able to care for the children because of all these impairments that come up and I'm not allowed to know what they are. She told me none of my business. So the fact that she's cutting off my kids from contact with her dad and he doesn't even call and then all of a sudden they wanna pop back in their life like nothing changed It's very very very detrimental to my girls.
What can I do legally? To where I don't have to deal with her at all. Or where it's a violation for her to even contact me? She keeps referencing the court order between he and I which she knows is so entirely vague. It literally just says " three weekends a month, visitation as mutually agreed by both parties" and that's about it. As, it says as mutually agreed which was fine with us because we definitely had our own thing going for a few years that was totally fine, but she keeps mentioning it that the court order there's a lack of mention on the Transportation, which she keeps forcing me to bring them out there, knowing I don't have a vehicle and uses that as a reason to not take them, it's also messed up
. What can I do to cut her out of our parenting? And force him to talk to me?this lady is so twisted. I can't imagine what is being told to him, that he's just totally OK with this
2024.05.14 11:59 ambitionqueen15 I feel stuck in my job
Sorry for the very long post, if anything this is for the sub offmychest but I feel it’s needed with people who understand the industry
5 years ago I landed a job on a film - I wanted to go either into production or locations (I had been told locations was an interesting department) - finding locations? Sounds great?? 😂 my passion was directing but I knew there was no easy way into this so my plan was to become a PA and go from there.
Anyway my life carried on in locations and obviously when you first start you are the dogs body but whatever it’s great, you’re learning and getting great experience. Year goes by, I’m like I do not want to be putting up EZ ups for much longer, how do I get some scouting experience (because I’m a creative and wanted to be doing the creative part).
So someone puts me in touch with someone who starts getting me on commercials scouting. I do this in between the films/tv shows I’m working on. In 2021 I really, really want to be getting out of locations and I’m about to make my next move. Soon after finishing the last job I’m on and ready to make my next move, I get a call from the person who I scout for on commercials and they want to add me to their books but said I’d still be freelance. I really enjoyed working on their jobs and didn’t want to ruin that relationship. I kind of reluctantly said yes.
I’ve been working with them since 2021 and they’ve given me so much work I didn’t / couldn’t go back to film and tv - not a problem really because I was working my way up the ladder to a location manager and the jobs were kind of easier. Also, making more money.
People now know me for a Location Manager but my passion still lies in directing. I’ve lost my creative identity and haven’t directed something properly since before I started in this career.
I feel pressurised by this agency/company to keep working with them but the job is making me unhappy.. I need to keep them on side because I need to stay afloat financially.
I’ve been taking breaks to try get back in touch with my creative self and every time the creativity starts to come back I feel SO happy.
Then the agency keep asking my availability and questioning how dedicated I am to them so I feel pressurised to go back to work. And every time I do, every job completely bulldoses any goal I had set - whether that be eating healthy, exercising, morning pages, creative motives.
I briefly told the director of the company on the phone the other day to reassure him any time I am taking breaks it’s because of this . In an ideal world I would stop working for them completely and just focus on the next step to directing but.. I can’t lose that work because otherwise I’ll lose my flat and my life. So I’m trying to just limit the work I do but like I said it’s hard to stay consistent with goals.
I would just like some advice, or if anyone else feels like this. I feel stuck but crazy ambitious to still get where I want to be.
Side note - I have read back this post and feel it may be insensitive to the current climate in the industry at the moment. Please don’t get me wrong I am super grateful to have this work but I’m not passionate about my job, and someone who loves it deserves it more than me. All I want is to be happy in what I do and I feel grateful I know what I want to do and that doing that particular job makes me feel alive. Anyone who is suffering in Film and TV, make your way to short form because the short form world is still very much thriving!
submitted by ambitionqueen15 to filmmaking [link] [comments]
5 years ago I landed a job on a film - I wanted to go either into production or locations (I had been told locations was an interesting department) - finding locations? Sounds great?? 😂 my passion was directing but I knew there was no easy way into this so my plan was to become a PA and go from there.
Anyway my life carried on in locations and obviously when you first start you are the dogs body but whatever it’s great, you’re learning and getting great experience. Year goes by, I’m like I do not want to be putting up EZ ups for much longer, how do I get some scouting experience (because I’m a creative and wanted to be doing the creative part).
So someone puts me in touch with someone who starts getting me on commercials scouting. I do this in between the films/tv shows I’m working on. In 2021 I really, really want to be getting out of locations and I’m about to make my next move. Soon after finishing the last job I’m on and ready to make my next move, I get a call from the person who I scout for on commercials and they want to add me to their books but said I’d still be freelance. I really enjoyed working on their jobs and didn’t want to ruin that relationship. I kind of reluctantly said yes.
I’ve been working with them since 2021 and they’ve given me so much work I didn’t / couldn’t go back to film and tv - not a problem really because I was working my way up the ladder to a location manager and the jobs were kind of easier. Also, making more money.
People now know me for a Location Manager but my passion still lies in directing. I’ve lost my creative identity and haven’t directed something properly since before I started in this career.
I feel pressurised by this agency/company to keep working with them but the job is making me unhappy.. I need to keep them on side because I need to stay afloat financially.
I’ve been taking breaks to try get back in touch with my creative self and every time the creativity starts to come back I feel SO happy.
Then the agency keep asking my availability and questioning how dedicated I am to them so I feel pressurised to go back to work. And every time I do, every job completely bulldoses any goal I had set - whether that be eating healthy, exercising, morning pages, creative motives.
I briefly told the director of the company on the phone the other day to reassure him any time I am taking breaks it’s because of this . In an ideal world I would stop working for them completely and just focus on the next step to directing but.. I can’t lose that work because otherwise I’ll lose my flat and my life. So I’m trying to just limit the work I do but like I said it’s hard to stay consistent with goals.
I would just like some advice, or if anyone else feels like this. I feel stuck but crazy ambitious to still get where I want to be.
2024.05.14 11:57 armchair_panda Share of freehold - other freeholder incapacitated, lives abroad and with no next of kin - can’t sell!
(Repost from HousingUK)
TLDR: I own a share if freehold flat and the other freeholder lives abroad, is incapacitated and has no next of kin, just a legal representative appointed by a government organisation in the country she lives in. I need to sell my flat and extend the lease but two years in I have got nowhere in getting the deeds signed. What can I do?
Hi Housing UK readers,
I wanted to see if you had any fresh ideas on how to approach this situation I find myself in.
I purchased a flat in 2011. The flat is one of two in a Victorian conversion. Both flats are self-contained.
I am the sole registered leasehold proprietor of flat B and have been living in the flat since 2011.
Miss X is the sole registered leasehold proprietor of flat A, and has owned the flat since 2001. The flat is being rented as Miss X retired abroad in 2006.
Miss X and I also both own a share of the freehold, which is split 50/50.
I’m in contact with Miss X for a few years after I buy, but all admin relating to building management is dealt with by her estate agents and she defers any discussions to them.
Fast forward to September 2022. I need to sell my flat as I want to move to a different city, and have some debt I need to pay off. The flat is listed for sale in late October 2022.
There are 84 years left on the lease for both myself and Miss X. I reach out to Miss X to inform her of my plans and that I will need her signature for the various deeds, and that we should extend the lease. The email bounces back and her phone line is disconnected.
I contact the estate agents who manage flat A. They have also not heard from Miss X for a while, I can tell they know more, but they are unwilling to share any details. In a tactical move, I list my flat for sale with them too, to try and get their help with Miss X (a whole other hilarious side story). I am repeatedly assured by them that the situation with Miss X will not hinder the sale of the flat (a huge lie).
March 2023 I finally find some buyers (with another agent) and start the conveyancing process, including extending the lease and transferring the freehold.
May 2023. After chasing Miss X’s estate agents for weeks, I discover that Miss X is now incapacitated and hospitalised with dementia. Miss X has no partner or children, no next of kin and no legal representation in the UK. She is under the care of a government agency in the European country she resides in. A lawyer employed by the agency, let’s call him SP, has been appointed as her legal representative and is in contact with the UK estate agents. SP sends documents to verify his status to the agents, who confirm legitimacy via their lawyers. SP is very hard to reach, rarely answers emails or his phone.
I find a solicitor specialised in property law to help me navigate this situation. As Miss X is not deemed “absent”, the solicitor suggests that it’s best to try and resolve this with the appointed legal representative (SP), as any other legal routes available for absentee freeholders through UK courts wouldn’t apply (as we know where Miss X is). I explain the situation to SP, he talks to a judge and informs me he lacks capacity to make decisions about the leasehold and freehold matters without court / judicial approval in his country.
SP also asks for help with gaining access to Miss X’s UK bank account. All rental income from her flat in the UK is being transferred to a UK bank account via the estate agents. I share information on obtaining power of attorney in the UK and suggest it would be best to appoint a lawyer in the UK to help with all matters.
November 2023. After several months of backwards and forwards with SP to try and find out exactly what legal documents the judge wants to see in court, under his guidance my solicitor produces papers, documents and evidence, we get them translated, postilled and posted. SP is confident the judge will be happy and grant permission for signatures.
The documents make it clear that the authority being sought for SP to sign the leasehold extension and transfer of freehold are in no way prejudicial to Miss X and in fact extending the lease would add value to her property should she decide to sell in future.
A court date is set 3 months later. Sigh. More waiting.
I lose my buyers (understandably).
February 2024. The court date arrives. The judge rejects the request for permission for SP to sign papers on behalf of Miss X. It’s not fully clear why this is rejected. After speaking to SP it seems that the judge now wants SP to obtain access to Miss X’s bank account before moving forward. I am surprised that no progress has been made with that.
I go back to my solicitor. Now that we can show that steps have been taken to locate Miss X and get the deeds signed by her legal deputy without recourse, they suggest that we can apply to court in the UK to have another trustee appointed to sign the transfer and deed, and suggests appointing counsel to make the application to UK courts, which should be “run of the mill”. We choose a barrister, the situation is explained, documents shared, and I’m given a 3 week timeframe for papers to be produced for court.
In the meantime we connect SP to a solicitor in the UK who can help with obtaining PoA, as no progress has been made with that yet.
A few days later the barrister gets in touch, more bad news.
Under TLATA, there would be a breach of trust if all required consent from the current trustees was not obtained, so it is not sufficient to just add another trustee, Miss X would need to be replaced as outlined in the Trustee Act 36(1). However under the Trustee Act 36(9), where a trustee lacks the ability to perform their function, no new trustee can be appointed without consent from the Court of Protection. I am informed that making this application to the CoP is lengthy, costly and risky. The barrister says it would be faster and safer to wait for SP to obtain the relevant permissions.
We reach out to SP again to see what progress has been made. None. Some documents need to be translated and he is unwilling to pay for the translations (it seems their organisation has no money). We offer to pay now and be reimbursed once access to Miss X’s money is granted.
We are now almost half way through 2024 and coming up to 2 years into this situation.
Is it really possible that legally these are my only two options?
Any different ideas on how to approach this? Seems so absurd that currently I can’t sell something that is mine, due to a situation I didn’t create!
There are many more twists and turns to this story but I have left them out as this is long enough. Also I do not have a legal background or am a housing expert so apologies if some of the language I use is incorrect.
Thanks for reading!
submitted by armchair_panda to LegalAdviceUK [link] [comments]
TLDR: I own a share if freehold flat and the other freeholder lives abroad, is incapacitated and has no next of kin, just a legal representative appointed by a government organisation in the country she lives in. I need to sell my flat and extend the lease but two years in I have got nowhere in getting the deeds signed. What can I do?
I wanted to see if you had any fresh ideas on how to approach this situation I find myself in.
I purchased a flat in 2011. The flat is one of two in a Victorian conversion. Both flats are self-contained.
I am the sole registered leasehold proprietor of flat B and have been living in the flat since 2011.
Miss X is the sole registered leasehold proprietor of flat A, and has owned the flat since 2001. The flat is being rented as Miss X retired abroad in 2006.
Miss X and I also both own a share of the freehold, which is split 50/50.
I’m in contact with Miss X for a few years after I buy, but all admin relating to building management is dealt with by her estate agents and she defers any discussions to them.
Fast forward to September 2022. I need to sell my flat as I want to move to a different city, and have some debt I need to pay off. The flat is listed for sale in late October 2022.
There are 84 years left on the lease for both myself and Miss X. I reach out to Miss X to inform her of my plans and that I will need her signature for the various deeds, and that we should extend the lease. The email bounces back and her phone line is disconnected.
I contact the estate agents who manage flat A. They have also not heard from Miss X for a while, I can tell they know more, but they are unwilling to share any details. In a tactical move, I list my flat for sale with them too, to try and get their help with Miss X (a whole other hilarious side story). I am repeatedly assured by them that the situation with Miss X will not hinder the sale of the flat (a huge lie).
March 2023 I finally find some buyers (with another agent) and start the conveyancing process, including extending the lease and transferring the freehold.
May 2023. After chasing Miss X’s estate agents for weeks, I discover that Miss X is now incapacitated and hospitalised with dementia. Miss X has no partner or children, no next of kin and no legal representation in the UK. She is under the care of a government agency in the European country she resides in. A lawyer employed by the agency, let’s call him SP, has been appointed as her legal representative and is in contact with the UK estate agents. SP sends documents to verify his status to the agents, who confirm legitimacy via their lawyers. SP is very hard to reach, rarely answers emails or his phone.
I find a solicitor specialised in property law to help me navigate this situation. As Miss X is not deemed “absent”, the solicitor suggests that it’s best to try and resolve this with the appointed legal representative (SP), as any other legal routes available for absentee freeholders through UK courts wouldn’t apply (as we know where Miss X is). I explain the situation to SP, he talks to a judge and informs me he lacks capacity to make decisions about the leasehold and freehold matters without court / judicial approval in his country.
SP also asks for help with gaining access to Miss X’s UK bank account. All rental income from her flat in the UK is being transferred to a UK bank account via the estate agents. I share information on obtaining power of attorney in the UK and suggest it would be best to appoint a lawyer in the UK to help with all matters.
November 2023. After several months of backwards and forwards with SP to try and find out exactly what legal documents the judge wants to see in court, under his guidance my solicitor produces papers, documents and evidence, we get them translated, postilled and posted. SP is confident the judge will be happy and grant permission for signatures.
The documents make it clear that the authority being sought for SP to sign the leasehold extension and transfer of freehold are in no way prejudicial to Miss X and in fact extending the lease would add value to her property should she decide to sell in future.
A court date is set 3 months later. Sigh. More waiting.
I lose my buyers (understandably).
February 2024. The court date arrives. The judge rejects the request for permission for SP to sign papers on behalf of Miss X. It’s not fully clear why this is rejected. After speaking to SP it seems that the judge now wants SP to obtain access to Miss X’s bank account before moving forward. I am surprised that no progress has been made with that.
I go back to my solicitor. Now that we can show that steps have been taken to locate Miss X and get the deeds signed by her legal deputy without recourse, they suggest that we can apply to court in the UK to have another trustee appointed to sign the transfer and deed, and suggests appointing counsel to make the application to UK courts, which should be “run of the mill”. We choose a barrister, the situation is explained, documents shared, and I’m given a 3 week timeframe for papers to be produced for court.
In the meantime we connect SP to a solicitor in the UK who can help with obtaining PoA, as no progress has been made with that yet.
A few days later the barrister gets in touch, more bad news.
Under TLATA, there would be a breach of trust if all required consent from the current trustees was not obtained, so it is not sufficient to just add another trustee, Miss X would need to be replaced as outlined in the Trustee Act 36(1). However under the Trustee Act 36(9), where a trustee lacks the ability to perform their function, no new trustee can be appointed without consent from the Court of Protection. I am informed that making this application to the CoP is lengthy, costly and risky. The barrister says it would be faster and safer to wait for SP to obtain the relevant permissions.
We reach out to SP again to see what progress has been made. None. Some documents need to be translated and he is unwilling to pay for the translations (it seems their organisation has no money). We offer to pay now and be reimbursed once access to Miss X’s money is granted.
We are now almost half way through 2024 and coming up to 2 years into this situation.
Is it really possible that legally these are my only two options?
- going to the UK courts at great expense in a process that has been called “risky and lengthy” by the barrister.
- Waiting for SP to sort out PoA with no guarantee that the judge will even grant permission for the deeds to be signed (again risky and lengthy)
Any different ideas on how to approach this? Seems so absurd that currently I can’t sell something that is mine, due to a situation I didn’t create!
There are many more twists and turns to this story but I have left them out as this is long enough. Also I do not have a legal background or am a housing expert so apologies if some of the language I use is incorrect.
Thanks for reading!
2024.05.14 11:53 KittyCandie [New York] new wife blocking all contact to my ex. Insisting that I coparent through her, refusing the children for visitation if I disobey
So my ex ex met this woman in November and after 28 days of knowing her proposed to her. I have three little girls who care for by myself. He was abusive anyway, and I left him. However, from the beginning, this woman has manipulated being on his phone, pretending to be like him, and then threw his phone, pretending to be him tells me that he would rather I go through this new fiancé. Who has zero fucking boundaries. It's been so long, got married in January. Since he married this girl, he's maybe total out of the entire year had maybe six or seven weekends. And before, he would never miss a weekend with his kids. She comes up with these bogus ass excuses, whenever I don't wanna bend to her will.
They don't attend our kids events, because I'm going to be there clearly it's a matter of jealousy and hatred for whatever reason I have no idea this is wicked. Anyway, I have not seen or spoke to their dad ever since they got together. And I mean that. Maybe on an occasion of once or twice on a house phone and which he just repeatedly kept telling me I'm gonna learn to respect his wife. It was so strange. It was like a recording. But it's just so bizarre anyway, if I'm not able to do it, she desires which sometimes it's insisting that I go through her with coparenting like literally telling me any problem I have the girls I'm gonna go through her, down to cutting off his cell phone and not any of us allowed to have the phone number and limited to a house landline That he never calls me back and every time he talks to my kids, he always mention things like did I tell them to, to listen or stalk?. or making statements, insisting that the reason they're calling me is because I told them to Call him for whatever reason. It has really affected because this woman has cut off and blocked all contact that I've attempted only to address parenting things, my kids are not allowed to call me when they're there, and my oldest has to turn in her cell phone. Which point now she doesn't even bring it. She's afraid. And as per my Childrens report, when they're there all she does is scream at him and they fight.
Additionally, anytime that they're with their dad at their new house that technically is both of their homes. (Dad moved into her place before marrying all so soon), this woman loves bombs the shit out of my kid, the oldest. And the youngest. But stonewalls the middle child and makes like she's the problem sort of. It's so fucked up. It's so emotionally confusing and honestly traumatic especially because she imposes these ridiculous periods where dad is not gonna be able to care for the children because of all these impairments that come up and I'm not allowed to know what they are. She told me none of my business. So the fact that she's cutting off my kids from contact with her dad and he doesn't even call and then all of a sudden they wanna pop back in their life like nothing changed It's very very very detrimental to my girls.
What can I do legally? To where I don't have to deal with her at all. Or where it's a violation for her to even contact me? She keeps referencing the court order between he and I which she knows is so entirely vague. It literally just says " three weekends a month, visitation as mutually agreed by both parties" and that's about it. As, it says as mutually agreed which was fine with us because we definitely had our own thing going for a few years that was totally fine, but she keeps mentioning it that the court order there's a lack of mention on the Transportation, which she keeps forcing me to bring them out there, knowing I don't have a vehicle and uses that as a reason to not take them, it's also messed up
. What can I do to cut her out of our parenting? And force him to talk to me?this lady is so twisted. I can't imagine what is being told to him, that he's just totally OK with this
submitted by KittyCandie to Custody [link] [comments]
They don't attend our kids events, because I'm going to be there clearly it's a matter of jealousy and hatred for whatever reason I have no idea this is wicked. Anyway, I have not seen or spoke to their dad ever since they got together. And I mean that. Maybe on an occasion of once or twice on a house phone and which he just repeatedly kept telling me I'm gonna learn to respect his wife. It was so strange. It was like a recording. But it's just so bizarre anyway, if I'm not able to do it, she desires which sometimes it's insisting that I go through her with coparenting like literally telling me any problem I have the girls I'm gonna go through her, down to cutting off his cell phone and not any of us allowed to have the phone number and limited to a house landline That he never calls me back and every time he talks to my kids, he always mention things like did I tell them to, to listen or stalk?. or making statements, insisting that the reason they're calling me is because I told them to Call him for whatever reason. It has really affected because this woman has cut off and blocked all contact that I've attempted only to address parenting things, my kids are not allowed to call me when they're there, and my oldest has to turn in her cell phone. Which point now she doesn't even bring it. She's afraid. And as per my Childrens report, when they're there all she does is scream at him and they fight.
Additionally, anytime that they're with their dad at their new house that technically is both of their homes. (Dad moved into her place before marrying all so soon), this woman loves bombs the shit out of my kid, the oldest. And the youngest. But stonewalls the middle child and makes like she's the problem sort of. It's so fucked up. It's so emotionally confusing and honestly traumatic especially because she imposes these ridiculous periods where dad is not gonna be able to care for the children because of all these impairments that come up and I'm not allowed to know what they are. She told me none of my business. So the fact that she's cutting off my kids from contact with her dad and he doesn't even call and then all of a sudden they wanna pop back in their life like nothing changed It's very very very detrimental to my girls.
What can I do legally? To where I don't have to deal with her at all. Or where it's a violation for her to even contact me? She keeps referencing the court order between he and I which she knows is so entirely vague. It literally just says " three weekends a month, visitation as mutually agreed by both parties" and that's about it. As, it says as mutually agreed which was fine with us because we definitely had our own thing going for a few years that was totally fine, but she keeps mentioning it that the court order there's a lack of mention on the Transportation, which she keeps forcing me to bring them out there, knowing I don't have a vehicle and uses that as a reason to not take them, it's also messed up
. What can I do to cut her out of our parenting? And force him to talk to me?this lady is so twisted. I can't imagine what is being told to him, that he's just totally OK with this
2024.05.14 11:48 Frog_Shaped Top Surgery Process Journal
The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳
submitted by Frog_Shaped to TopSurgery [link] [comments]
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳
2024.05.14 11:46 Putrid-House222 could someone help me understand why this girl (17F) is friends with me& lies to me (17F)?
hi all! i'm a teenager in my 3rd year of high school and am thoroughly confused. in year 10, covid was ending but we were still coming back to school very slowly. i became friends with this girl in my class who is really popular.
in my school, or, in my life, popular people are friends with popular people. i am not popular. i have my little group of friends that i'm happy with at school and then outside i have a different one. at first i thought it was because we rly had no one else to hang out with, but even when school started full-time we continued to be good friends.
one more thing? she's barely close to anyone. she has friends, and she's really scary, but she's always stood up for me and claims me to be her closest/best friend. i just don't get it. it's the weirdest thing because i really doubted my friendship with her, she was known to be this person who would talk about her friends behind their back or even lightly insult them. she also has a ton of influence in our city.
but she never talked about me behind my back or anything. even at school, when people metion her and everyone goes "she's mean to everyone basically" they always say she's never mean to me.
to add to the mix, she lies to me a lot, and not in the way that she lies that i look good when i dont or stuff like that. she makes up stuff about her life.
like, she has this "boyfriend" who i really don't think is real, it's a long story but 1000% sure (it'll take a while for me to explain why) that on multiple occasions she's faked being busy and "given him the phone" to speak to me while being her the whole time.
at the end of the day, i guess i just think it's kind of cool that she makes up all this stuff so elaborately, pretending to be multiple people all just to message me of all people...?
honestly have no clue what to make of this situation. because she has stayed up all night multiple times being these different people and it's just so... odd.
would love any advice any of u have to offer!!
submitted by Putrid-House222 to teenrelationships [link] [comments]
in my school, or, in my life, popular people are friends with popular people. i am not popular. i have my little group of friends that i'm happy with at school and then outside i have a different one. at first i thought it was because we rly had no one else to hang out with, but even when school started full-time we continued to be good friends.
one more thing? she's barely close to anyone. she has friends, and she's really scary, but she's always stood up for me and claims me to be her closest/best friend. i just don't get it. it's the weirdest thing because i really doubted my friendship with her, she was known to be this person who would talk about her friends behind their back or even lightly insult them. she also has a ton of influence in our city.
but she never talked about me behind my back or anything. even at school, when people metion her and everyone goes "she's mean to everyone basically" they always say she's never mean to me.
to add to the mix, she lies to me a lot, and not in the way that she lies that i look good when i dont or stuff like that. she makes up stuff about her life.
like, she has this "boyfriend" who i really don't think is real, it's a long story but 1000% sure (it'll take a while for me to explain why) that on multiple occasions she's faked being busy and "given him the phone" to speak to me while being her the whole time.
at the end of the day, i guess i just think it's kind of cool that she makes up all this stuff so elaborately, pretending to be multiple people all just to message me of all people...?
honestly have no clue what to make of this situation. because she has stayed up all night multiple times being these different people and it's just so... odd.
would love any advice any of u have to offer!!
2024.05.14 11:37 No-Quail779 I hate my husband
Honestly I don't want to but I do. He is a "stay at home dad" which I could respect. The problem is he complains my meetings interfere with his work on his car work or phone calls to friends (or sleep) because he has to watch our 2 year old.
I work from home and adapt as I can.
75% of the time he does cook dinner so I'll give him that. But he won't do dishes (even when I cook). I plan meals and buy food. No laundry, sweeping, baths, other work. Lord help if he has to get a kid on the bus. Or appointment.
I pay every bill.
He works sometimes and it goes to whatever he wants, only around $250-500/month lately. So I pick up his bills and credit card debt.
Now I've been buying car parts (not a family car) and have gotten hints of wanting a new truck.
Mother's day he slept in.
One of my daughters tried so hard to help me make a great breakfast and made a card (love her so much). I planned activities and bought take out then cleaned dishes after. He would not even eat breakfast because he's not a breakfast person and wouldn't sit with us.
I am fed up. Mad.
I want more for me and my four kids. And I'm expected to plan his birthday (nothing for mine last month other than what I planned) and Father's day too.
Honestly how can I work past these emotions? I want to but I am so angry lately. Sorry it's a rant.
(Irrelevant maybe bit he has previously cheated several times years ago and I do still hold a grudge).
submitted by No-Quail779 to Mommit [link] [comments]
I work from home and adapt as I can.
75% of the time he does cook dinner so I'll give him that. But he won't do dishes (even when I cook). I plan meals and buy food. No laundry, sweeping, baths, other work. Lord help if he has to get a kid on the bus. Or appointment.
I pay every bill.
He works sometimes and it goes to whatever he wants, only around $250-500/month lately. So I pick up his bills and credit card debt.
Now I've been buying car parts (not a family car) and have gotten hints of wanting a new truck.
Mother's day he slept in.
One of my daughters tried so hard to help me make a great breakfast and made a card (love her so much). I planned activities and bought take out then cleaned dishes after. He would not even eat breakfast because he's not a breakfast person and wouldn't sit with us.
I am fed up. Mad.
I want more for me and my four kids. And I'm expected to plan his birthday (nothing for mine last month other than what I planned) and Father's day too.
Honestly how can I work past these emotions? I want to but I am so angry lately. Sorry it's a rant.
(Irrelevant maybe bit he has previously cheated several times years ago and I do still hold a grudge).
2024.05.14 11:16 ireallydon_tknowwhat I (F,31) betrayed my boyfriend (M,34)
This is a long story, so bear with me please. English is not my native language, so sorry for any mistakes. I don't by any means want to point a finger to anyone, just want to explain the background of our relationship.
I am together with my BS for 5,5 years. We know each other for 6.5 years. Our relationship started rather rocky. BS has commitment issues and didn't want a relationship at first. This has led him to cheating (kissing only) on me four times (that I know of). Three times during clubbing and under influence and one time while he was on vacation with family. This was during our first 1.5 year together. I found out and he confessed. He texted with some girls and one of them was one of the girls he cheated me with. During our relationship he had a friendship with one of his coworkers. He told me she was interested in him, but he not in her. They had been friends before BS and I knew each other. During New Years Eve 2022 he said under influence: 'I met with x (coworker) two times behind your back'. He said that I was too fragile and wouldn't understand him meeting with her, because I voiced that I was a bit intimidated with their relationship (they would spend long evenings together at each others house while being drunk and sometimes driving with their car). He met with her some other times and eventually I didn't hear anything from her again. I only met her once, she was drunk, but friendly. I went to a psychologist several times to discuss everything what happened.
Fast forward to New Year's eve 2024. I was clubbing with my BS, and two friends. There was a guy who wanted my friends instagram, but didn't give it to him. So I took his phone and entered her name. BS saw this and thought I was giving my instagram. I tried to explain what happened, but he wouldn't listen. He pushed me away so I went upstairs with said friend. The day after he barely remembered anything. I let him know that if this would happen again, I would leave (this wasn't the first time he was acting not okay while drunk).
Fast forward to January 2024. We went on a ski vacation with friends. I had a really good connection with one of BS friends (let's call him Jasper). I have known Jasper for more than 4 years. We always had a good friendship, but felt it developed even more during the vacation. He was very kind, caring and helpful. He is in a relationship of 10 years, she was also there on the vacation.
We've met a few times again with Jasper after the vacation, nothing happened. Jasper texted me beginning of March saying he would like to meet with me. I didn't say this to BS. We went for a run and had a very good talk about our relationships. He expressed his doubts about his. He texted me some time after again to go for a run. This time there was more tension in the air and he kissed me. We met five times in total and had foreplay once and sex once. I didn't know how to tell my BS, even though I should have told him immediately. I made an appointment with my psychologist mid April to help me approach the situation. But on the 24th of april, Jasper's GF called my BS and told him she found evidence that we cheated on them. My BS worlds collapsed. He would have never imagined I would do something like that and I completely understand him. This is so out of character for me (I don't want to minimize what I have done, but when I go out there are guys who will flirt with me but normally I am very good at maintaining boundaries). He first wanted me to move out and didn't want to talk to me. But in the meantime we have met four time. The first two times were pretty heavy. He was angry (understandable of course), sad and everything in between. He was very harsh to me and told me I was a psychopath. Of course I understand that he was filled with anger. He doubted everything about me and that I could lie so good.
AP and I cut off contact immediately.
I showed him the mail I send to the psychologist that I made an appointment before it came out, but I don't think that it made any difference (understandable again).
The third time we met, we talked about the situation and how this could have happened. I had a meeting with the psychologist the day before and told him about our conversation. I told him about our sex life that was rather dead (I tried to work and discuss it several times before, but nothing changed), I told him about our future perspective and that I was the one who always had to initiate talking about buying a home together (I lived in an appartment he bought) and lastly our communication pattern. He bottles a lot up and when he finally says what bothers him, it comes out rather harsh. Because of that, I am hurt and it makes it difficult for him again to discuss something.
We have met yesterday again. I was there for like nine hours. We discussed the situation again. He had some questions and I answered them truthfully. He says that I deal very well with the situation and that he sees that I do my best. He said that he feels 50/50 about our relationship. He said that he doesn't know if he sees a future with me. He says that I had the right reaction to see my psychologist again. He, unfortunately, doesn't want to do counseling. He says that he can block what happened sometimes, because the pain is too much. Other times he let the pain come. He said he misses me and still loves me. I asked if I have to move within a certain period. He said 'no'. I asked if he wants me to move away and he said 'I think it is better that you do.' After the serious talk, we watched two episodes of a series and played some boardgames. I told him that if he wants me to go away or if it is too much, he needs to tell me. But he said that it was fun. I told him that I am scared that we would rug sweep to much and don't talk about the elephant in the room. I also told him that I am aware that he can decide anytime not to talk to me again and that I know that one good day doesn't make everything right. He said that he can see that I know that. I asked him if he wants to work on our relationship together, but I think this question was too early because he deflected this question. I said I want to do everything in my power to make it work and even want to go to couple counseling.
When I left, he gave me a big hug and we cried a lot together. He said 'maybe we can meet again this week.' He asked me if I got home safe.
I really don't know where to go from here. I have hope that we can work on this together, but it is such a rollercoaster that I caused. Do you have any advice for me? Do I approach this the right way or not? Thank you so much in advance!
submitted by ireallydon_tknowwhat to AsOneAfterInfidelity [link] [comments]
I am together with my BS for 5,5 years. We know each other for 6.5 years. Our relationship started rather rocky. BS has commitment issues and didn't want a relationship at first. This has led him to cheating (kissing only) on me four times (that I know of). Three times during clubbing and under influence and one time while he was on vacation with family. This was during our first 1.5 year together. I found out and he confessed. He texted with some girls and one of them was one of the girls he cheated me with. During our relationship he had a friendship with one of his coworkers. He told me she was interested in him, but he not in her. They had been friends before BS and I knew each other. During New Years Eve 2022 he said under influence: 'I met with x (coworker) two times behind your back'. He said that I was too fragile and wouldn't understand him meeting with her, because I voiced that I was a bit intimidated with their relationship (they would spend long evenings together at each others house while being drunk and sometimes driving with their car). He met with her some other times and eventually I didn't hear anything from her again. I only met her once, she was drunk, but friendly. I went to a psychologist several times to discuss everything what happened.
Fast forward to New Year's eve 2024. I was clubbing with my BS, and two friends. There was a guy who wanted my friends instagram, but didn't give it to him. So I took his phone and entered her name. BS saw this and thought I was giving my instagram. I tried to explain what happened, but he wouldn't listen. He pushed me away so I went upstairs with said friend. The day after he barely remembered anything. I let him know that if this would happen again, I would leave (this wasn't the first time he was acting not okay while drunk).
Fast forward to January 2024. We went on a ski vacation with friends. I had a really good connection with one of BS friends (let's call him Jasper). I have known Jasper for more than 4 years. We always had a good friendship, but felt it developed even more during the vacation. He was very kind, caring and helpful. He is in a relationship of 10 years, she was also there on the vacation.
We've met a few times again with Jasper after the vacation, nothing happened. Jasper texted me beginning of March saying he would like to meet with me. I didn't say this to BS. We went for a run and had a very good talk about our relationships. He expressed his doubts about his. He texted me some time after again to go for a run. This time there was more tension in the air and he kissed me. We met five times in total and had foreplay once and sex once. I didn't know how to tell my BS, even though I should have told him immediately. I made an appointment with my psychologist mid April to help me approach the situation. But on the 24th of april, Jasper's GF called my BS and told him she found evidence that we cheated on them. My BS worlds collapsed. He would have never imagined I would do something like that and I completely understand him. This is so out of character for me (I don't want to minimize what I have done, but when I go out there are guys who will flirt with me but normally I am very good at maintaining boundaries). He first wanted me to move out and didn't want to talk to me. But in the meantime we have met four time. The first two times were pretty heavy. He was angry (understandable of course), sad and everything in between. He was very harsh to me and told me I was a psychopath. Of course I understand that he was filled with anger. He doubted everything about me and that I could lie so good.
AP and I cut off contact immediately.
I showed him the mail I send to the psychologist that I made an appointment before it came out, but I don't think that it made any difference (understandable again).
The third time we met, we talked about the situation and how this could have happened. I had a meeting with the psychologist the day before and told him about our conversation. I told him about our sex life that was rather dead (I tried to work and discuss it several times before, but nothing changed), I told him about our future perspective and that I was the one who always had to initiate talking about buying a home together (I lived in an appartment he bought) and lastly our communication pattern. He bottles a lot up and when he finally says what bothers him, it comes out rather harsh. Because of that, I am hurt and it makes it difficult for him again to discuss something.
We have met yesterday again. I was there for like nine hours. We discussed the situation again. He had some questions and I answered them truthfully. He says that I deal very well with the situation and that he sees that I do my best. He said that he feels 50/50 about our relationship. He said that he doesn't know if he sees a future with me. He says that I had the right reaction to see my psychologist again. He, unfortunately, doesn't want to do counseling. He says that he can block what happened sometimes, because the pain is too much. Other times he let the pain come. He said he misses me and still loves me. I asked if I have to move within a certain period. He said 'no'. I asked if he wants me to move away and he said 'I think it is better that you do.' After the serious talk, we watched two episodes of a series and played some boardgames. I told him that if he wants me to go away or if it is too much, he needs to tell me. But he said that it was fun. I told him that I am scared that we would rug sweep to much and don't talk about the elephant in the room. I also told him that I am aware that he can decide anytime not to talk to me again and that I know that one good day doesn't make everything right. He said that he can see that I know that. I asked him if he wants to work on our relationship together, but I think this question was too early because he deflected this question. I said I want to do everything in my power to make it work and even want to go to couple counseling.
When I left, he gave me a big hug and we cried a lot together. He said 'maybe we can meet again this week.' He asked me if I got home safe.
I really don't know where to go from here. I have hope that we can work on this together, but it is such a rollercoaster that I caused. Do you have any advice for me? Do I approach this the right way or not? Thank you so much in advance!
2024.05.14 11:15 Similar-Ad4967 Having someone love you as much as you love them is truly an incredible feeling ❤️☺️. Don’t settle for 25% of someone’s affection.
My boyfriend was sick this weekend until Monday, so I didn't want to bother him too much by texting nonstop since he couldn't talk on the phone. However, last night after a nap, he told me that he feels great and went to the gym, but unfortunately, I fell asleep. About 30 minutes later, he sent me a picture of him at the gym, but I was still sleeping and didn't see it until 2 hours later when I woke up to pee. I gave a basic response because I was still feeling sleepy. He then replied, "you don't miss me 🥺 ?". I reassured him by saying, "babe, of course, I miss you like crazy. I just didn't want to overwhelm you when you're sick. Also, sometimes when I get too emotional, missing you becomes unbearable, so I try to distract myself." He responded, "I know what's in your heart, it's just that you haven't said you've missed me in a while." I explained, "I always tell you I love you because it says everything that I'm thinking. It means I love you, I miss you, I want you."
submitted by Similar-Ad4967 to LongDistance [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 11:05 Big-Specialist-7728 I (22F) found Grindr on my boyfriend’s (23M) phone, what do I do?
So for a bit of back story, i’ve found it on his phone once before and I was told he’d downloaded it in work with mates as a joke - that took a lot of getting over but a few days ago I found that he had the app installed again, I obviously asked to look on the app to see if he was up to anything but there was nothing logged in, when I confronted him about it at first he told me that someone had been black-mailing him with his own nude pictures which I was skeptical of but he’s my boyfriend, I thought no-one would lie about anything like that so I told him i’d support him. For context, my boyfriend does have a habit of randomly lying. The next day we have a blow up, he admits he’s been lying to me about both big and menial things, he’s very apologetic and even breaking down about it, so I ask him to honestly tell me every lie and what the truth of it is, well the truth about the Grindr is that apparently he was just ‘curious about their world’ (referring to gay men) and that he only downloaded it to look. I’m a pansexual woman, I’ve expressed to him that if he’s questioning any part of his sexuality then i’d be there, I’d never judge him for anything to do with him figuring something out about himself, but the he’s adamant that he is straight and it was curiosity. The whole time we’ve been together we’ve had several talks about LGBTQ+ topics and he’s always supportive to an extent but has always said he’s a straight man and there’s nothing about his behaviour that’s ever really made me question otherwise apart from the glaringly obvious male hook-up app.
The second part that makes it difficult is that recently he’s come to me and admitted post-discussion that he thinks he may be a compulsive liar - but when given the ultimatum he’s agreed to go to therapy and let me go to make sure he attends.
I’m at a loss, I love him very much and I want to believe him on this but he was told the first time I found it that I didn’t want to again, I could deal with it being a fuck around with friends but now i’m sick with worry that he’s secretly gay, bi and is cheating. Do straight men really get curious about that stuff? Is any of this even true?
submitted by Big-Specialist-7728 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
The second part that makes it difficult is that recently he’s come to me and admitted post-discussion that he thinks he may be a compulsive liar - but when given the ultimatum he’s agreed to go to therapy and let me go to make sure he attends.
I’m at a loss, I love him very much and I want to believe him on this but he was told the first time I found it that I didn’t want to again, I could deal with it being a fuck around with friends but now i’m sick with worry that he’s secretly gay, bi and is cheating. Do straight men really get curious about that stuff? Is any of this even true?