Painful thong wedgies

I had a total hysterectomy the end of January and it's like every single month since then I've had a UTI.
The third time I went to urgent care about it, they gave me the same antibiotic even though I told them it hadn't worked for me before, and the antibiotics didn't feel like they helped at all this last time. They supposedly tested it for cultures yet they never gave me the results. (The first two times I did a virtual appointment for antibiotics because I didn't think anything of it and I know that was a dumb move. But at least those times it seemed to help).
Now I'm getting concerned by how I'm getting more noticable symptoms yet again just two weeks after finishing the antibiotics.
I even said this is the third UTI I had and they didn't care and just asked me "do you know how to wipe right"? It felt so insulting.
I tried to chug a lot of water this weekend and that seemed to help but of course that's not doable to just be going to the bathroom all the time. I tried my best though to drink as much as I could to follow the 8 cups a day, yet I STILL feel pain when peeing. Sometimes it still smells weird too (like bleach or sweet). I know drinking a lot of water helps and I really try to but sometimes it's just not doable. I feel like I get UTIs or worse symptoms the second I don't drink 8+ glasses a day.
And today I've been noticing some lower abdominal pain on the right side of my stomach (not pelvic pain). I'm just starting to get so irritated and concerned because I'm told "you need to treat your UTI" yet nobody seems to care that I've BEEN HAVING UTIS FOR 4 FUCKING MONTHS.
I can't be in the bathroom every hour for the rest of my life and I'd like to have sex again eventually (I'm cleared for it). This doesn't make me feel like I can even wear thongs again either because I know it can increase the risk of UTIs (from what I've heard).

I would like to start by saying I was “diagnosed” with interstitial cystitis about 4 years ago. I have the usual burning while peeing, increased urination, pain during sex..etc. I’m starting to wonder if I was misdiagnosed. I am constantly dealing with vaginal and vulgar problems. Itchiness that comes and goes, vulvar pain when wearing thongs/tight clothing. I went to the gyno two weeks ago and everything came back normal and he said everything looks normal. I just need some answers. Could I have vulvodynia instead? Or maybe both?

TW also for self harm and I guess existential thoughts, depression.
So this culminated to a point for me last year during my birthday in the fall(won't specify, not sure if she uses reddit). I'll give a simple current event summary and then relay past events leading up(me is me, CS(31f): crap sister, LS(26) little sister, ES(36): eldest sister(only here sometimes, as she moved out shortly after her 18th, and then back and forth after tha), Mom(58): mom. SO(same age): ex-partner from junior year HS till age 24. I am trans male, but due to happening after most of these events, that doesn't really have any merit to this story, other than small details, like clothing)
I(28m) decided after not hearing anything on my birthday, and nothing before that since helping her get money for moving state after a divorce(an investing app offered her 1000 if so many people used her link to invest a free 5 dollar gift), to stop all contact and remove my sister from my social media accounts.
When we were kids, CS was the worst. Ever since I could remember, she showed a huge dislike for me. I don't haveamy good memories of her, and the ones I do, are followed, or closely accompanied by a bad memory. I don't have a lot of examples, since the good wasn't really that significant anyway(think, gifting me a stuffed animal when I was in the he hospital for abdominal pains at 8 or 9 years of age, then, after finding that it was a relatively minor issue that happened to cause a huge discomfort. I was told to drink plenty of water, and for my mom to give me a kids Tylenol if needed. She then snatched it back the next day and while I don't remember the exact words, made it clear that I only deserved it if I was really injured, and had wasted time). This was kind of a small(but very impactful) issue that still sticks with me today. I have to convince myself to go to he doctor to have certain issues checked. I recently only went because the numbness in my hands was getting worse, and I was told I had clear symptoms of carpal tunnel(I work in a kitchen, heavy lifting and fine hand movements are often). I also have a ganglean cyst, that has spawned a secondary cyst, in my left wrist, but that's another story.
She always put me down any time I did anything. Even looking at her the wrong way was infuriating to her(I didn't know what she was talking about until just a few years back, but I am diagnosed ADHD and suspected on the autism spectrum. I live on my own and have had a relatively independent life since I could physically and legally do so, just small aspects need extra attention). I'd ask her what she meant, and she'd yell at me. I wasn't rude either. CS:stop looking like that! Me trying to make my face more..plain?: like what? I'm sorry CS: stop it!, you know what you're doing! And you're doing it on purpose. Me: I'm sorry! I really don't know how I'm looking at you, I don't know what you want(I'm crying at this point) CS, getting up to hit me, like always: you KNOW what You're doing, Now stop it!
At that point, my mom had come in and yelled at my sister to calm down(I don't remember what all was said, I was maybe 6 or 7 and don't have the best time remembering the days with her) and that if she didn't like that way I looked, she could go.
Note about my mom, she had left my abusive father and moved several states when I was less than 4, my baby sister not even a year. He tried getting the legal system to bring her back, as the state they had lived in had always done. They told him that it didn't work that way, and they were legally separated. He was told to pay child support(guess how that went) and go to monitored visitation with us. That only happened a few times, and I only remember 2 of them. One visit, there was a person, I don't even recall the face, across the table, coloring and just doing art stuff. The second memory I have is us(me, CS, and LS. ES had a different dad who was not in the picture, and did not want to be. She stayed home). We played with toys in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, the sky was dark when we left. We never went to those meetings again(my dad apparently had told the caseworkers that if my mom wasn't required to meet with him as well, he wasn't interested in the he meetings). Since then, she has been a single mother, working as much as she could while still trying to balance raising us. I don't blame her for not being there, but I am a little disappointed that she never really admonished them, but merely, to this day, says that they may have been horrible then in the circumstances, but they still loved me.
Cue to elementary school, CS used to terrorize me, steal things I owned, destroyed things of mine. She was pretty stuck up and snobby to all of us, but it seemed to be targeted at me(her and ES did fight, instigation from both sides, and eventually made up some years later, but ES could and did fight back. When she could and was home. She worked too, and had a life later in high school, so that was understandable on her part, kind of) I, being younger, and, I guess, a little blind to some social and reactive cues at the time(I discovered I stare blankly while I listen to people. Facial reactions were too hard to focus on without losing attention to what was being said, if that makes sense). Any friends I had soon heard about the way she treated me, and the things she would accuse me of(not bathing, stealing, or just over embellishing embarrassing things about me to make people dislike me. Calling me fat, stupid, weird, etc). One of the only friends I had was a homeschooled girl. But I only got to see her on the weekends. Because my mom worked and ES had extracurriculars and later work(she is about 7.5 years older than me) we were watched by CS, and she didn't want to do the slightest bit of work doing so, which, flipped if it worked in or out of my favor often. Sometimes she'd be non-caring, allowing us to go to a neighborhood friend, so she wouldn't have to watch us. After having to come get us a few times, that stopped. One of the more traumatic times was when she decided to rig our doorknob(so that instead of a lock you flipped, it was a push knob, you push the knob into the door, turn the knob, and release. It's a non key locking system. I'm not sure if they are normally sold that way or if something happened, but it was installed backwards, so that you could lock someone inside of the room. Can you guess what happened? I was locked inside of my own bedroom, no food, no water, not even a bathroom break, during almost the entire 9 hours(mom worked 8 and commute) on a Saturday. I can't remember if LS was in there with me, but it's possible she was young enough to not even know what was going on, if she was in there. She's about 2 years younger than me, and this was when I was around 6/7. I was absolutely terrified. I cried, I screamed, I banged on the door. I begged to be let out for at least the restroom, which she refused, likely because I'd try to run and hide(the smart thing, duh). So there I was, freaking out that I had been locked in a room and cut off from all necessities. I don't stop crying until my mom came home, who, upon hearing the screaming, tore into CS about how wrong it was and what if we needed the bathroom or water, or even food. I don't remember her response(I probably don't want to) but my mom just glared angrily at CS as she left downstairs to her room. Mom made sure I got water, food, and restroom. I didn't mess up my room, that itself also created issues that I'll lay out later.
There are so many(too many) horrific memories from that time. It was hard all the time. I was insulted, isolated from my other siblings, and eve. Physically hurt. I'm not sure if the physical pain was worse though. I tended to forgive people very easily, and constantly, even into my early adulthood, tried my best to make her think better of me. She would steal clothes from me(cut them up to "fit her better". I was chunky, more medical than anything else, so with alterations, yes, they'd fit her. Like they'd fit an escort. Yes it's mean, but she's literally cut the pant legs off of jeans so that it was literally a jean thong. I only realized how terrible that was later on my teen years when fashion set in more within your social groups. And when they eventually didn't fit her(hah) she'd just throw them out and say they were a waste and wouldn't look good on me anyway. My mom told CS at the thrift store that she had to find outfits for me before finding herself some, and she would often try to just grab the first thing(usually ugly and wrong size) she could and the try to shop for herself(she was greedy with money. If CS found out a gift or piece of clothing one of us got cost more, she'd throw a fit and destroy our things. My mom once bought herself a vintage star Trek the original series collection, and because she didn't spend her tax return on CDs for CS, CS scratched up a bunch of the discs. My mom never even got to watch them before that. Some still played, but it felt like a loss). Mom didn't like that and said she had to help me find suitable clothes I liked. CS didn't like it, but obliged.
One of the larger things she did, when a 12/13 year old(I was 10) is she broke into an abandoned foreclosed house with a grown man, and stayed there for several days, or maybe a week or 2 . She ran from home often, blaming our mom for her issues was the norm for her. Everything was moms fault. Might've been her fault, though, was what happened next. My mom didn't want to call the cops on my sister, but knew confronting her alone and with an unknown man would be dangerous. So, probably against her better judgement, she handed me the phone(she worked at a cellular call center, in the early stages(2000's) of cell phones. She got them from the company for free, periodically). I called 911, per our mom's wishes. Explained my sister had broken into a house with a man and had been staying there. Once they heard that she was a minor, they didn't take long to get there. We sat up the road, in the car, watching it happen. Mom cried the entire time, but would not move from that spot until she saw that the cops had successfully taken her into custody. I just stared while it happened.
I know I shouldn't have had to make that call, but, due to being left alone all the time to my own devices, I had become quiet and usually kept my words and feelings to myself, and therefore seemed the most "emotionally stable" to handle it. Being put into that kind of spot was already happening with other issues, but they aren't relevant.
Over the years, more things happened that made me just want to be alone. LS even stopped being a target and was the precious baby sister (no issue with that in itself, but CS further alienated me from LS and I would once again be left alone. Being told I wasnt worth the time and that no one likes me, and if they did, it was because they pitied me, was an often occurance. My mom tried to stop it where she could but she had been met by the wrath of my sister(and before that, my father) for so long, she didn't want my sister to cause an issue that got us taken away from her. (We had been taken for some months due to some CPS workers believing my fathers lies about her being unstable and immoral. Given back due to no evidence, but with a struggle.) She didn't want to risk that again, so instead tried to keep the peace where she could. She had no family help, and was raising us all by herself. CS got physical, with even my mom, and it scared her. Out house was broken into numerous times by her ex boyfriends, ex friends, and people from..."groups" she used to hang out with. ES was also to the point of just not talking to CS or coming around that much anymore(after she moved out at 17. She also couldn't stand to be around CS)
An emergency later on with ES got her and CS bonding and acting like siblings that had a spat, and around that time is when LS was starting to get CS's attention. (I don't blame LS at all. It's not really her fault we never got to bond like siblings and even now don't know how to talk to one another freely). I still received the brunt of CS's wrath. She'd be nice, like offering some soda she bought, or some snacks, and then be a total b itch, sometimes going off and accusing me of stealing something.
CS: my chapstick is missing! Where is it? Me(roughly 8/9): why would I know? CS: don't talk back to me, I KNOW you stole it. now, where is it. Me, mumbling because I know what's going to happen:I don't know... CS: WHAT Me, wanting her to leave me alone: I DONT KNOW. CS: shut up, yes you do, I know you took it, now where is it??
At this point, I am crying and she has already hit me in he head and face a few times. After my refusing to answer, she just screamed and left me there, confused and wondering if I did take it.
She found it later. Never said a word or offered apology. This was a regular accurance all the way up until she moved out for the first time at 14. I learned to not use the phrase " I don't know" as often as I could because to her, it meant I wanted to hide something, because I obviously should know, and was choosing not to tell her and lie. It still happened, and yes, I got beat for it. We even moved school districts when I was 11(not related to the incidents) and I didn't want to make friends because I hated that they would eventually know her. It was rough to say the least.
A few years later, after CS moving in and out of home with boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend, starting at 14, I only had to deal with her while she was home, either between moving stints, or whenever she wanted to drop by and take things, like food or stuff she left with us. Sometimes she just took things. Mom was happy to see her come at all, so we dealt with it. While I heavily disliked the way she had treated me until then, I still wanted her to like me. So when she was home, I tried. When she lived with us for a few months at the age of 16/17, ES, now in her early 20s, living on her own, bought me and LS a laptop. It wasn't the best, but it was a laptop. Well, as you can guess, CS wanted to be able to use it too. Mom said we should because it was the nice thing to do and it would calm things down. So I made her a profile of her own. Not good enough. She wanted access to the main account, the one me and LS used. Now I wasnt into anything nefarious at the time, like p**n or anything, but I just don't want to give in to her being crazy and hovering. She looked for anything to yell at me for. She never once asked or yelled at LS for the password, even though LS knew it. It was my fault.
Next time I got the laptop back, the charger cord had some extra pieces stuck to it that I later found to be part of the internal charger port. She had literally ruined not only the charger, but the charging port in the laptop itself. Rendering it absolutely useless. Replacing that small part required the whole charger port to be replaced, and connections to be restored inside the laptop itself. So, it was a loss. No one seemed to ever be as mad as I was that this kept happening. Call me petty, but I held those memories as the deepest grudge, I still do. I kept pushing it down whenever she wanted to be nice to me, which in hindsight ended up being her needing something from me, sometimes even my company, because she couldn't keep authentic friends around. She got me stoned for the first time when I was 8 or 9 at one of her boyfriend's houses, and then gave me my first drink around the same age. Both with my mom not present. I was a child so when she told me not to tell in exchange for snacks and such, I obliged. I just wanted her to like me.
2 moments really stick out in the high school days before she left for several years to play wife to yet another guy. 1.The first was when we were actually hanging out in the kitchen of the family apartment, CS and ES were drinking and just catching up, while I was just by the kitchen drinking water. CS got pretty tipsy and, while walking into the kitchen, slipped and fell. She wasn't hurt or anything, it was just a small thing, and she ended up gigging and everyone laughed, like it was one of those fun family moments, y'know. Like in the shows. Well she looks and sees me laughing too, like literally everyone else. This is particular makes her mad and she gets right up and strides towards me. My mom yelled her name but before anything could happen, CS punched me right in the jaw. Only this time, I didn't fall, much less move more than an inch or 2. I already knew it was coming the moment she locked eyes with me. I stood my ground and just stared at her. I couldn't believe it. Even though I prepared for it, I still couldn't believe it. Everyone else has started laughing first. She had been gone for years. She herself thought it was funny. But seeing me, have fun at her expense, no matter how minuscule? No. Not happening. My mom asked her why she did it. She only looked at me, my face not even sad, just flat, like I felt nothing and hadn't been hit. But I didn't feel "nothing". I felt rage. Rage that, even at 14 and 15, even if others had joined, I was her target. She scoffed when family questioned her and stormed off. Nothing changed.

1. After that, I had issues with friends, yet again, because she was home. I, 16 at the time, tried to stay the night at a friend's house, but instead of getting input from my mom, I got CS. She demanded that I clean my "pig-sty" of a room. I shared a room with LS, and a lot of the things complained of, weren't mine. And even if I cleaned, the ADHD made it messy as I easily lost things and would flip my room in a panic. Regardless, I asked if I could talk to mom. Mom hesitated, but as well said no, likely because CS was there and my mom is, admittedly a pushover and a bit naive when it comes to them. CS was screaming at me on the phone, and my friend's mom heard it, and took the phone and asked for them(my mother, NOT my sister) to talk. After this, I told them my sister had issues and was a bad person(info with extra details omitted, but it's legal issues), and to not pay attention to the insults. Well friend's mom thought she should talk it over with my mom and I told her it's fine just discuss staying over, I'm not keen on going home.

My mom came after some minutes(we lived down the street), with, ugh, CS with her. I asked why she was there and her response was to make sure I "wasn't spreading sh it about her to gain sympathy". My mom went inside to talk to friend's mom and the big hit came. -Some background. I was depressed. Of course, with a sibling destroying any chance of normal social interaction and losing material items and even money, I wondered, from an early age, why. I didn't try to take my life up to that point, and anything I did was cuts, scratching, and punching. I did anything to control what I was feeling. I felt so many emotions, and some that I didnt know how to explain, some of which had followed me since childhood, that I couldn't get a hold of. So I turned to pain, something I could thoroughly control. It had been going on since I was around 12 in middle school, found out by my mom at 14/15, and I was actively in therapy(after arguing with ES and my mom that I needed therapy, and being told i was selfish). I was still 15 at the time. -Back to it. While my mother and my friend's mom were chatting, CS and I were arguing. I just wanted her to leave me alone, and told her so. The apartment walls werent the best, so CS overheard the things I had said about CS. None were lies, I just wanted someone to know. Deep down I still wanted her affection, but I wanted SOMEONE to hold her accountable at least. But it didn't end there. In the hallway, after hearing the main convo between the mothers, and hearing mine tell friend's mom that I fluffed up the issue because we dont get along, sibling rivalry(the usual excuse):
CS:I don't know why you have to blab so much, no one needs to know. Me: it's the truth. CS it doesn't matter. You don't even want to be here. If you're going to cut yourself, at least do it the right way.
I stopped talking and looked down after that. She smiled and continued waiting for our mom, while on her phone, probably the 4th one that year(she broke them often). It hurt. But hearing it didn't hurt as realizing that I felt it all the time. A grief from early childhood, that I didn't know the origin of, came back. I grieved myself. I still didn't know it then, I was just sad and numb. I thought death was the easy way out. Surely I didn't deserve the easy way. I continues the injuries, hiding them better and refusing to tell my therapist after a separate incident with my mom. Mom even stopped coming to the group therapy, and they told me it was specifically to help parents support their troubled kids, and if my mom wasn't showing up, I could no longer attend the group sessions. We would still have 1 on 1. But it made me feel even worse. Everyone in that group probably knew why I wanted there after 2 times with my mom absent. But I digress. After hearing my sister say that, I guess I became more serious about leaving everything and hoping for a better shot next time, if there was one.
Some months later, still 15 and in school I decided to try what I had heard: alcohol with a high number of any kind of pain pill. I took about 14-16(I don't quite remember, I just kept taking 2 at a time and quit counting at 12, just kept taking) of extra strength Tylenol. Took a shot or 2(or 4, I just did what I thought might be enough while not giving myself away) from ES bottle(she had moved home due to her living situation falling through), and went to school, hoping for the best(worst) I did get a little scared when I suddenly felt a spike in my heart rate, sweat, and a cold sweep through my body. This lasted several minutes, and I happened to be sitting at my desk in class, already having finished the assignment, so laying down on the desk looked normal. I waited and waited. The feeling got worse and worse, and painful, in my stomach and my chest. After a few grueling minutes of hoping it would happen, it didn't. While some residual pain remained in my abdomen, the other symptoms had calmed down. To say i was disappointed was a huge understatement. I went through the classes, saying nothing about having almost released myself from the harsh grip of empty reality. There wouldn't have been a point. I'd have been yelled at by my family for being selfish and wanting attention, just like when they had discovered my injuries and when I had asked for therapy. I was already threatened with being put into a mental ward for teens. Saying something and failing warranted worse consequences than not telling and succeding. So I kept silent and suffered. I decided that putting myself out wouldn't happen, and I would just deal.
I moved in with someone I was dating and their family just a few months after my 18th birthday(9 mo together). I hadn't even graduated yet, just finished credits early. CS had already moved out before that, but I just didn't want to be there any longer. I felt unsupported and pushed aside. Not to get into details, because it's not my story, but when LS was going through something(after I moved out), they dropped it all to help her and take her to therapy. Again, I don't blame LS. I may not like the way she handled her situation afterwards, but it happened nonetheless, and she was pampered by that demon and cared for by everyone else as the baby, so I've never had huge issues with her, but my family's reaction to her vs me was starkly different. Especially after being told several times by CS, ES and hinted at by my mom that I was always a little difficult, but not in a purposeful kind of way. Yet while I was "difficult" I was still thought to be relatively low maintenance due to the fact that I shyed away and prefered to do my own thing, alone. I mean, wouldn't you if you felt, no, if you knew, that certain family members just hated you, and others regarded you as difficult? When you just wanted love? I know that I wasn't normal like other kids, in that I didn't show clear emotion, or didn't know how to convey my feelings or needs. But I never tried to be an issue. But that's what I had always been told. That I was doing it at my own will, to make CS angry. I'm not even sure what about me always put CS off, but it weighed down for a while.
As an adult(18-20), it was better. Communication, but with less physical meetings, proved to at least be better for us. CS eventually started talking to me and my at-the-time SO, inviting us out. I think she needed company, because the man she chose to marry had all but cut out all male people from her life(don't feel bad, she did the same with his female friends)and her female friends were not always good friends, and maybe she knew that, deep down, I still wanted her approval. And boy was she right. We(me and SO, Same age) were always accepting her invitation. My SO had the train of thought that CS was at least trying, and that counted for something. At the time I agreed.
Around age 20, we were heading to Christmas with my family after SO's family celebration(we lived with them at the time, in hindsight a bad idea, totally separate issue). It was snowing and the car I was driving had belonged to SO's parents, so, respectfully, I requested to my SO that we pick up CS and take her to moms apartment(she hadn't moved since we left home, expenses and all). Well, SO was a momma's kid, and while we were getting ready to leave, SO told the parents about the extra trip and asked if that was ok. (At the time I don't think anything, but later on I realized that the mother was a huge control freak with attachment issues and the SO would always back her up in the end, even if there was a good chance we'd win an argument). Looking back, they definitely had an issue with my relationship with my family(mother mainly. Narcissist), but this was CS, and I already had reservations about her anyway. SO's parents said no, sorry. Unfortunately, SO was really dense(yes, I know, shut up) so I couldn't ask them to lie to their mother. I let CS know and was explaining that it wasn't my car and wasn't my idea to "get permission" from the owner(although, as mean on their part as it was, that had to be the case. I had only been given permission to use it for work of whenever me and SO went somewhere together. Yes, very controlling, but not the point). CS wouldn't listen. Instead, went on a tirade of how I was ungrateful and useless and all other insults that just echoed all of the childhood issues.
Story short, she ballooned the story to say that I told her I didn't want to take her and was being rude about it. ES texted me and told me not to come by at all(ES was paying a part of the bills and was an adult on the lease). No one would listen that this was just SO being dumb and, although yes I could've tried harder, it was not my fault. Myother called me that night and I cried, asking why my sister hated me. Why CS hated me. She could only say that sometimes people are angry and it's not our fault. While I appreciated her words, it didn't help. The gift I had for CS went unsent,(robe with her favorite design, Mary Jane) sat in my closet.
I mourned for a while but went on with my life, and that very next summer, I moved me and SO into an apartment. Made a deal with paying the car insurance and the basic gas/oil and regular maintenance costs, in exchange for just being able to drive the vehicle freely, and also I had my license for a year at that point(couldn't get it till 19, with my own cash and borrowing a car at the time), so they felt safer letting me use their car. Fair enough. moving on.
Some time goes by, and CS and ES end up falling out of touch again due to a made up issue(literally a dream where we made fun of her life and loss during her pregnancy. A dream. Mind you, she was also on substances this entire time, literally from the time she was like 11 or 12.) ES started talking to me again, claiming that she knew CS blew it out of proportion and just went along with it. Things go ok.1-2 years later Mom and ES move state. More things happen(kind of irrelevant since CS still isn't involved). Now LS and ES aren't speaking with me and CS comes in saying how she understands. I figured, it's was family, and I needed it. Right? And I was so confused on who to defend and back, my bio family or my SO, that seeing her, even with her sketchy SO, be able to have someone support her when she was put out, even if she was in the wrong and did the putting out, hit the family spot. Against everything, I started hanging out with CS. Up to this point , she hadn't apologized for anything really, but had given gifts, sent invites for holidays, and eve invited me, and sometimes SO over just to hang out(420 is legal in all the states I've lived in, so we had that in common at least). Start to not see CS in such a bright light since she has by that time(I'm 22 at the time) admitted to me that she cheats on her husband, they do hardcore drugs, and he avoids taxes, more stuff but I mainly ignore it cuz, hey, not my life, not my problem. Things go ok.
I leave my ex in 2019 and move out of my state in 2020 and in with family. Yay job closures. Now, this move was probably one of the worst, betraying, infuriating, heartbreaking things that I did as it showed some things about family that I really ignored since I hadn't created an irreversible issue until I lived back with them, as well as bring other heart wrenching events, but that's not important here.
CS now hasn't really sent anything unless it's to ask for help with something, which I do and she pays back, as always. That's not really the bad part. First was about 2 years after I had moved states to be with family. I had been paying ES money for rent, from unemployment(COVID), And had a surgery scheduled for just 3 weeks after the unemployment cut off(I had been looking for jobs but very little luck aside from some MLMs) and ES went ballistic, saying how i was putting them in financial strain(our mom had recently gotten a large tax return from COVID credits, as did she. I did not since I worked during 2019 and 2020. I also got no extra unemployment since it started after the main event. ES ranted to CS that I was a bum and was mooching and spent over a year not paying anything,( even though I had offered ES proof since ES had yelled at me before CS called me). She even posted personal information to insult me online to people I don't know, which is when ES told CS that, while she was mad at the situation, that was crossing a major line. I refused to call CS first, so after a few days, she called me. I laid into her what had been really happening by that point, that I had been paying and I have been doing door dash and donating plasma to continue to pay rent, which I Had talked about to ES. CS was silent during this, and I finally asked why any of the things in childhood happened.
Me: I just want to know why you always bullied me, and beat me up? The things you said?
CS: Well, I want to apologize, but I don't remember a lot of the stuff I did. I was usually high on something. Me: ...Not even telling me to off myself? CS:......-username-, I was a terrible person, and I was on a lot of stuff. I'm sorry that I don't remember.
I don't go farther cuz it's just me explaining everything and that I can't stand that Im always attacked. We hang up with CS telling me that she hopes the best.
Well, things kind of blow up, rent gets unpaid, money is wasted, and I decide to no longer pay and move to my own place. I don't talk to ES. CS chats sometimes, but not too much. After a while of not much texting, around middle of 2022, CS texts. Not exact, but I'll summarize it.
CS: hey, I'm divorcing my husband(I knew, mom told me earlier, didn't say anything) and I'm gonna move to Texas with this guy I've been talking to while married. I'm short on money to move into a place, so could you and mom maybe do this investing app and help out? Me: does it require anything like my credit?(Issues happened prior to this with another person) CS: no you just need to invest their free 5 dollars and keep the account open(I think for either 2 weeks or a month). Me: ok I'll get it started. CS: thank you so much! So how's the new Italian place? Me: it's good, it's called "blah blah blah" CS: ok cool, I'll look it up. Me: Okie dokie. So how's the move coming along
She never responded after that. I ignored it and put it on that she needed to move and focus on packing. I then went to our mom(I took her and her cat with me cuz I'm not monster) and told her the situation. She wanted to ask CS about what to do cuz I had to work in the morning and it was late. Convo:
Me: when you ask CS, ask "hey, -username- said you needed something, I have the app up, what do I do next?" Because this would explain that I told Mom and make CS answer what she wants.
Nope. She just sent "oh did you need any thing for moving, like money or anything?"
CS: hmm? Oh no, we're going to stay with his parents, but thank you for the offer! We'll be ok!
I got upset cuz I feel like I knew something was up. Asking me to help with money for moving to an apartment(she has a car large enough to pack her belongings and she didn't plan to bring furniture). I let it go and deleted the investment account, which continues to try charging me so I had to change banks. Very nice.
Now to this last fall(2023). I moved after that and there was very little interaction. I had been thinking about the relationships in my life and realized that being around CS in particular, or even being mindful of her, was causing mass amounts of resentment and anger in me, making my mental health dive. The lack of remorse and just consistent blaming of substances instead of the choice to do those substances. Claiming she's was a terrible person, but not saying anything about the issues it caused.
I decided that if CS did not even contact me on my birthday(she had skipped it before which isn't too bad, but one year even sent a message 2 months late and when I called her out, she blew it off and just said "oops, I was drunk, my bad".
So this last fall I wait. And nothing, till the end of the day. Honestly I didn't want to wait for excuses or anything. I just felt all of the anger of trying to get her attention and her love, and the desperation that I felt trying to understand why I never deserved it. So I removed her. Not blocked. If there are any emergencies where she would need to contact me(not likely), then it's there. I have a new number, so social media messaging was sufficient. I had done the same with ES.
The very next morning, I had a huge message about how she noticed that I had removed her(this site doesn't notify if someone leaves your friend circle) and about how she felt bad about what happened as kids but that she felt horrible for blocking people out for so long. Then another message telling me that she didn't want to be without her siblings again. Telling me that now, she was going to have a kid in several months, and how it's amazing and she's excited to finally be a mom and I'll be an uncle again(LS has 2 young kids of her own). I opened it and ignored it. She then said she tried reaching out and I left her on read and she hopes I have a good life.
Mentally, I may not be where I want myself to be, and sometimes I feel like I haven't moved forward from being that kid, that just wants to know why. But one step at a time, especially with therapy.
I wanna say I don't feel like the AH, or if I am, that is justified. But I guess there's always going to be a small part of me that wants to have the bonds that I never knew, even if it's too late by now.
So, am I the AH for just stopping contact and connection to someone I feel I just don't have a connection with?
P.s., sorry there's a lot, I honestly didn't mean for it to be this long. Please don't hate my late night grammar

Dm if you could answer some questions about nutshots please I want to describe pain and reaction in my stories and book in detail but luckily never been hit before. Want to write some bullying stories where nerds get revenge or guys just fooling around wedgieing and hitting each other

Dm if you could answer some questions about nutshots please I want to describe pain and reaction in my stories and book in detail but luckily never been hit before. Want to write some bullying stories where nerds get revenge or guys just fooling around wedgieing and hitting each other

Dm if you could answer some questions about nutshots please I want to describe pain and reaction in my stories and book in detail but luckily never been hit before. Want to write some bullying stories where nerds get revenge or guys just fooling around wedgieing and hitting each other

Dm if you could answer some questions about nutshots please I want to describe pain and reaction in my stories and book in detail but luckily never been hit before. Want to write some bullying stories where nerds get revenge or guys just fooling around wedgieing and hitting each other

I (F45) was recently referred for massage therapy due to either piriformis syndrome and/or herniated disk. Doctors aren't sure, but I believe it is PF Syndrome given the pain started deep in my glute, and I have no back pain.
My massage was done at a Physical Therapy practice, and she did almost the entire massage over the sheet. I also thought it was odd that when she massaged my neck and shoulders without the sheet she didn't use oil or anything. I live in Washington state and I've had many massages that included lots of glute work, and it was always skin-on-skin, although maybe with elbow and arm.
I asked her about it after the massage and she said she usually goes over the sheet "because people usually have underwear on anyway". I told her I wore a thong, so I was fully prepared.😅 I was freshly showered too. Made me feel kind of like she thought I had cooties or something.
Is this common practice?

Hi Mark and Waffle Gang! Ginger here to share neighbor drama. I guess this is kind of drama, but also not? Police involvement was the most awkward part, but the neighbor, whom I may add a little other story about their niece and the husband at the end for some crazy moments, was quite “blah” at the end. Or another post.
One morning in my (HOA) townhome shared with my now ex-husband, I was downstairs in the AM doing my morning routine, letting dog out, put coffee on for ex, normal work morning routine. I open the front blinds and see some kid on a bike slowly rolling down the sidewalk, about to look in my window, but rode off. Odd. So, I made my tea, sat out back (not fishing) and was having a cig. Ex is upstairs doing his routine. Kid on bike circled around a few times. I got a bad vibe, called my local non-emergency line for PD saying suspicious kid rolling around. They said they'd send someone. Cool, thanks. By this time, I've made friends in my local government and police/FD force due to my work.
I finish my cig, bring dog and tea in, and head upstairs. I took night showers because I had tons of hair and a pain to deal with in the AM. I'm in my walk-in closet starting to get dressed. I told ex, who was in his walk-in closet getting dressed what I saw and did. He said that it was better to be safe than sorry. He even said he'd wait longer to go into work to watch this kid. We saw him slowly riding around, 6am, and he thought it was suspicious. Ex goes downstairs to get his coffee and other stuff.
Then… I hear a loud noise with glass smashing. Ex was already back upstairs on the other side of the house in our office and didn't hear anything. Me, super vigilant, ran down the stairs with dog behind me, ran out the back door and went to look nextdoor and saw the kid trying to get through the broken glass sliding door. I had a bat in my hand that I kept in the living room, saw him and it went like this:
Me: HEY! What the hell are you doing? (Bat visible and PD on my phone, 911 this time as I had a feeling and no PD yet.. 30 minutes after initial call)
Kid: What the fuck?
Me: What the fuck you, dude! Get the fuck out, police are around the corner. (I held up my bat ready to strike him. I was 20 ft away)
Kid: Fuck you, bitch.
He runs to his bike he tossed in bushes, gets on it, and starts riding away. I'm still on with 911, ran thru my house to the front, saw him riding off on the service road we lived off of, he turned into a 55+ community, and I described the idiot to a T. A cop arrived after kid went into the neighborhood, which has many accessible streets to go by. Cop rolls up, I gave him direction.
Before the cop sped off, he tells me “get inside before neighbors see you and I have to cite you for indecent exposure.”
Well then… since I acted so fast, I was in my work shirt, socks, and... panties. No pants on. I looked down as I was in adrenaline rush. I was in the process of putting my work pants on, but dropped them once I heard the glass break at my neighbor's place. Awkward. Cop flies off and goes to chase down the kid. My ex came out and shoved me in the house asking how I just ran out looking like that.
I was adrenaline pumped, I forgot, I told him. He told me that he knew that was going to be talk of the squad. Sigh. Okay. I go get dressed and cop came back not long after. He found the bike but the kid was gone. Okay… well, find a number for the neighbors as we never exchanged info, so they did. He told me he was glad I looked more presentable. I told him I was taken over by adrenaline and wanted to make sure the kid was caught. He laughed, said he wouldn't have cited me, but next time, call earlier. I told him I did! He drove off, laughing. (Thanks Officer Snyder.)
In the evening after we got back from work and the neighbor had PD and claims adjuster there to look at damage.. kid only broke the glass door, never got in because my half nakie self was there. Well… neighbor was annoyed that the situation happened. I told him I didn't want any of his stuff stolen, I called PD before but didn't get there in time. All I got was, “Okay.”
Never again he spoke with us. I questioned so many reasons for that answer. Did he want a break in and stuff stolen? He didn't have cameras and had no other way to contact him than PD looking him up. PD found him. He was also a witness to sign off on us buying our townhouse a year prior. I thought we were chill. Not long after, he and his wife moved out and he had his niece and her husband move in… which I'll have to explain how bad they were some other time.
2 months later at the convenience store, I saw Officer Snyder. He said they caught the kid a week later. He was 18 and living with grandma in that 55+ neighborhood. Glad he was caught. Yes, the rest of the small city PD knew about my panties, and it took about a year for that story to die down. Not my proudest moment of public viewing, I guess. I mean, it wasn't a thong or anything. Boyshorts as I used to go boxers until ex wanted me more girly dressing.
After that, I said F that and if the neighbor wasn't happy I stopped someone from stealing their stuff, then screw them.
Lesson learned. Make sure you are fully clothed before you try to stop a break in and F your neighbors (at least in that ‘hood). I tried to be good and report but apparently it wasn't appreciated. Oh well. What happened to their place when his niece and husband moved in… yikes.
TD;DR: Tried to stop a break in, ran outside in panties, got cussed at by a kid, PD laughed and told me to go inside, they found kid, he got charges (he was also on probation, almost forgot that part), and neighbor was meh about it. They moved not long after that and his niece and husband moved in... which will be another story.
TY for reading!!

Just for fun, i thought about the logo and characters, so i decided to create some idents starring the main characters.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Tachibana

• Tachibana is looking around an area, suspecting no one sees him, and he spray paints a drawing of Etra-Chan's face against a brick wall and says "Etra Chan Saw It"

Kuroki

• Kuroki is carrying an 80's style silver boombox and a cardboard dancing mat, he lays them down gets on the mat, and starts breakdancing very badly, and when he stops in sweat, he gets up and says "Etra Chan Saw It" with Etra Chans face drawn in marker on the mat

Azami

• Azami is on the couch in her living room watching some TV, and then she starts channel-surfing until she suddenly stops, she grabs her cell phone makes a call and shouts "Etra Chan Saw it" twice to the caller, then we see Etra-Chan on the television

Yuzuriha

• Yuzuriha is preparing a warm bubble bath, and pouring champagne in a glass, she then gets in the tub, grabs the champagne from the bathtub counter, and says "Etra Chan Saw It" while we switch over to a champagne bottle with Etra-Chan's face on it

Karin

• Karin is in a karate gi, and punching a dummy until it's destroyed, when destroyed, Karin says "Etra-Chan Saw It" then we switch over to the decapitated dummy with Etra-Chan's face on the floor

Akani

• Akani is in her bikini going in a tanning booth, when she gets out, her skin is now tanned, but she notices a sticker on her arm, she takes it off to reveal the sticker tanline shaped like Etra-Chan, she then says "Etra Chan Saw It"

Tokusa

• Tokusa is in his room, playing a console video game, but he loses, then groans and says "Etra Chan Saw It" and we then see Etra-Chan's face on the TV screen

Akamatsu

• Akamatsu is cruising around his red sports car in high voltage speed, then he crashes his car into a tree and says "Etra-Chan Saw It" then makes a run for it. We switch over to a sticker of Etra-Chan's face on the roof of the car.

Katsura

• Katsura is studying on what he is inventing a robot, he goes to work into making the robot, when completed the robot reveals to be a version of "Etra-Chan" and Katsura says "Etra-Chan Saw It"

Tsutsuji

• Tsutsuji is blowing an animal balloon of Etra-Chan's face, when completed she picks it up, and then it floats up in the air, and Tsutsuji yells "Etra-Chan saw It" from the air

Yuri

• Yuri is frolicking around a field of flowers laughing, and then stops and says "Etra-Chan Saw It" while the camera zooms to reveal Etra-Chan's face made from the flowers

Hiiragi

• Hiragi is surfing the internet, and then goes to his web account, and see's pictures of him doing random and silly things, he then see's an emoticon shaped like Etra-Chan, coming from the exact account, and says "Etra-Chan Saw It" in admiration at the computer

John

• John comes downstairs in his brown suit ready for work, goes to the fridge, and grabs a sack lunch with a post it note of Etra-Chan's face drawn, and says "Etra-Chan Saw it"

Etra-Chan

• Etra-Chan puts a coin in the slot of a claw machine, then uses the machine to pick out a plushie, she grabs a tiger plushie surrounded by the dolls of the 13 etra-chan saw it cast members, she hugs the toy and says "Etra-Chan Saw It"

Tachibana/Akamatsu/Hiiragi

• The Antagonist Boys are playing some basketball, when Akamatsu misses the hoop, the ball falls into the road and explodes, Hiiragi and Tachibana glare at him, and Akamatsu says "Etra-chan saw it" while a chalk drawing of Etra-Chan's face on a road switches over

Tokusa/Katsura/Kuroki

• The Protagonist Boys are doing some skateboarding tricks, when Kuroki falls on the concrete and screams in pain, and then Tokusa and Katsura walk over and say "Etra-Chan Saw It" while a sticker of Etra-Chan on a sign switches over

Azami/Akani/Yuzuriha

• Yuzuriha, Akani, and Azami, are eating at a food court in separate tables when they all look at each other, they glared angrily, and start a food fight, when they stopped the place and the girls were all a mess, and they all said "Etra-Chan Saw It", we then switch over to a photo of "Etra-Chan" on a signage

Yuri/Tsutsuji/Karin

• Yuri, Tsutsuji, and Karin are lying on grass, gazing at the clouds. Tsutsuji then points a cloud that's shaped like Etra-Chan, and says "Etra-Chan Saw It"

Boys

• The Protagonist and Antagonist boys are playing poker, then Akamatsu does a Royal-Flush and wins angering some of the guys, he then says "Etra-Chan Saw It" after that we switch over to a card that has Etra-Chan's face

Girls

• The Protagnoist and Antagonist girls are having a sleepover, they do makeovers to each other, and some of them are good, except for Azami's who throw's a fit and then hits Yuzuriha, who was the only one laughing, with the pillow, then she hits back, and the two have a pillow-fight, while the other girls watch Yuri says "Etra-Chan Saw It" while we switch over to a pillow that has Etra-Chan's face on it.

Protagonists

• The Protagonists are walking around the park at dusk until they hear some screaming, they transform into justice league-esque superheroes and go into action, while running they stop and do a pose, then say "Etra-chan saw It" while we switch to a searchlight projecting Etra-Chan's face at the night sky

Antagonists

• The Antagonists are smoking cigarettes, then Akane suggests they smoke cigars, they smoke long cigars, and when they smoke are done smoking, they then start to get sick and vomit, except for Tachibana and Yuzuriha for some reason, and Tachibana and Yuzuriha say "Etra-Chan Saw It" while we cut to the smoke coming from the cigar goes up in the air shaped like Etra-Chan.

Group #1

• The 12 Etra Chan Saw It cast members engage in a photoshoot, the boys are only wearing black speedos, and the girls are wearing thong bikinis with there hair down, one by one they each pose for a photo, as the shutter clicks to the next person, and they then engage in a group photo and they all say "Etra-Chan Saw It" while John is only wearing normal clothes walk up to the photo and say's "What they say" and we then cut (via shutter) to the "etra-chan saw it" logo, and then Etra's chan's face in a background

Group #2

• We see a train rushing by, and we see the 13 etra-chan cast members in a caboose relaxing comfortingly, and we see the front of the train, and the person who's driving is Etra-Chan, and everyone on that train says "Etra-Chan Saw It" while the train goes into a tunnel. with smoke rising into the air shaped like Etra-Chan

Group #3

• The Protagonists, Antagonists, John and Etra-Chan are having a pool party, and then John jumps in the water and makes a big splash, soaking most of the members, they then laugh, and they all say "Etra-Chan Saw It" and we then cut to a Pool Tube with Etra-chan's face on it

Hello everyone, this is my first posting this. But I don't know if this count as a scary story or what, so forgive me if the story sound stupid. Maybe you'll help me understand.
Please remember that I have a disability and this is my first time posting this.
Ok, so I am a female in my 20s, when I was younger, me and my family use to go to this campsite, Big Star Lake, every weekend in the summer, up until I was 10 because my two older siblings were starting high school and I was getting pretty bored because 2 of my friends there stop going as well. Anyway, in my dream, I think I was around 7, 8 or 9, when I met this boy who was the same age as me, on the playground where I was playing by myself(I was a very painfully shy little girl then, I am still shy but not so much today if that make sense), he came over to me and ask me a question if I wanted to see his "Dog" wedgy, I know I was stupid enough to believe him. He took me to the woods and told me to face forward and all sudden I felt his hand brushes against my bare bottom. I was really confused and freaked out. He asked me to come with him to his trailer, his parents were down at the lake, so it was just him and me. Anyway, when we went inside, he asked me if I knew what a pecker was and then he showed me, like I said, I was a very shy and naive little girl, after that day he would look for every excuse to invite me over to play. But one day, he took me to the public restroom, he stripped naked and made sit on his lap, so he can put his pecker my lower back. I felt dirty and awful. I was really uncomfortable and scared, not realizing how extremely bad this was. The last incident was just really disturbing and not right, especially for a little kid to do. He dragged me to his trailer and stripped naked, touching himself and begging me to do the same. Thankfully his dad walked in and caught him, he let me go and I didn't stay there for a second. I didn't want to tell my parents, my brother or my sister about the ordeal, fearing what this kid will do to me or to my family. But thankfully I never see that kid ever again.
So fast-forward today, I asked my mom if I told her anything that happened to me when we were there and she told that I've never said anything about it and this was the first time she heard about it when I asked her. I started to think that it maybe my mind is making up disturbing dream or something, I may have been a shy and quiet kid, but I'm pretty sure I would've told my mom or my sister, who would've gone straight to our parents about the whole thing. My mom is a sweetest lady in the world and she would never ever lie.
Anyway, I am praying to the Lord that this was just a disturbing and messed up dream.
Thanks for reading, and I am so sorry if my story is out of place and all over. But I only remember the few of them. So, what do you think?

TLDR: AMAB questioning if I am MTF trans. I really questioned my gender for the first time 48 hours ago and I feel like I got hit by a freight train. I went from confident in my gender to being scared to accept. The short time window is also unnerving. With the shame, repression, and denial pushed away enough finally, I just don't see how I can confidently say I am cis anymore. This massive post is just my thoughts organized. Just hoping someone who has possible sat in my shoes just sees my story.
Today, I was going on my daily walk to get a little sunshine and clear my mind. This time it was mostly because I’ve had a thought rattling in my mind. But that doesn’t really describe it. It’s banging around in my head. I can’t think of anything else right now. It’s all encompassing and I know it won’t stop until I get my answer. I think I’m trans.
Only in what feels like both the shortest and longest 48 hours of my life, I first started to really question my gender. Like really allowing myself to ask if I was trans. Before there was a wall of shame and denial blocking that question from really being asked. The part of me that wants to bow to society's expectations is telling me that was for a really good reason. To really understand how I could go from being absolutely certain that I was a cis man to sitting down and writing this out, we have to start where it seems so many others in my shoes had to, fetishes.
I’ve always had a million kinks and fetishes all my life. This part will take more thought to feel really sure of, but now with the extra context of gender pushed into the mix, all of them really are truly about losing control in some fashion. I wanted to be free of any blame for what had happened to me. You couldn’t say I really wanted it because I didn’t choose. One that I have read other trans people have that fits this bill is transformation. My sex drive for the prior 2 weeks has been insatiable. I mean constantly horny. Throw in what is undoubtedly too much porn and you start to have to get the kinker and kinker stuff to get off. That eventually led me to really start exploring erotic hypnosis, but on myself. I’ve read a ton of erotica about erotic hypnosis but never really tried it. But then I found Bambi Sleep and decided to give it a go.
First off, no matter what a bunch of people might say on the Bambi Sleep subreddit and others that are focused on this specific kink, hypnosis can’t make you do something you really don’t want to do. For it to work and be an enjoyable experience, one has not only want it to work but think it will work. It really is just a tool for role play and a kink people have. And that last sentence is exactly why I think it worked so amazingly as an egg cracker for me. Honestly, it would be more accurate to say that it made me aware that I even had an egg to crack.
For those unfamiliar, Bambi Sleep is supposed to make one into a dumb bimbo who wants to worship cock called Bambi. Most importantly for me, is that Bambi is a woman. So there I was putting on some noise canceling headphones and just a womens thong at least 1 size too small(part of the triggers that are supposed to be installed is a uniform so that they only become Babmbi when they wear it). I’m going to have to shelve the Bambi Sleep for a second because of the obvious, the women's thong.
My entire life I have felt repressed. That word is really starting to capture how I feel as a whole. Repressed in that I don’t feel I can just be myself at all. Like I am constantly faking the ever living shit out myself. I feel like I deserve an Oscar for how good I fake myself all the time. Like I’m on stage on opening night for a play but I was never given the script for or even told I was going to be in a play. But I nail it somehow and it’s a great success and they rewrite the script entirely to fit what I said. But think about how much anxiety one would have if put in such a situation. What it would feel like to have the whole world looking at you and you don’t have a clue what your first line is. That’s how I have felt almost all the time except with the very closest people in my life. That feeling never changed, I just got better at playing my part. No matter how many times people close to me tell me that I have good social skills, I don’t feel that way at all.
Over the last 2 years I’ve realized that feeling of being repressed and have been searching for answers on why I just don’t feel happy. I’ve been lucky to have a lot of success in life to the point where I only have a few very small places I could point to and say, that’s making me unhappy. That has been a blessing because it forced me to finally look inward. I feel very cheated being raised as a man because I was never given the emotional tools to understand myself. So as I started my journey to actually try and feel more than 2 emotions, horny and angry. I noticed that I feel shame all the time. The second I felt shame I would shove down whatever it was that caused it because it felt just so terrible. To fix this I learned the most important emotional skill of my entire life so far, being okay with not feeling okay. That the world was not going to crumble down if I felt strong negative emotions. So I felt them and became mindful of them and shame was the one that kept coming back. So I decided to act in a manner that matched my morals, not some shame I got. So I bought some thongs off of Amazon because the shame no longer stopped me. That I wanted to wear women's underwear and I could repress the shame. And at the time it was just for some silly kink anyway. But I had to do all that important emotional work before I put on those headphones, otherwise I don’t think it would have affected me this way.
So I listened to Bambi Sleep for 3 real sessions and each time had a great experience. For the first time in my life when I was awake, I was able to lay still entirely for an hour and a half. Touching on this briefly because it’s unavoidable, but I’m confident I have mental health issues that lead to constant fidgeting. No exaggeration about the constant part. Most of the time I’m unaware of it because it’s entirely subconscious. The other part of the experience that felt amazing is mental clarity. I felt so incredibly relaxed and I was able to actually focus on the voice intently. Usually I have a never ending stream of thoughts that distract me. I’m usually either living in the future or the past, rarely the present. I never knew it was possible to feel so rested. But to make this experience so incredible, I had to do two things earnestly that I had never done before. Remember, this is supposed to turn you into a bimbo WOMAN. So for the first time in my life I told myself I wanted to be a girl and really wished it would work.
After the 3rd session I sat there, well masturbating in all honesty, and read people's experiences with Bambi because it perfectly fit my give up control and transformation kinks. It was arousing. This led me to reading a post by a trans woman about her experience using Bambi and how it allowed them to accept themselves and live life as the woman she wanted to be. I can’t deny that I have always been enamored reading about trans experiences. I’ve never been able to answer the why behind it but I think I might know now. So enamored by the experience and aroused by this idea of it working and turning me into a woman, I clicked on their profile and read about their experience. That leads to a classic reddit post asking how one knows that they are trans. In this post I read something I already knew intellectually but could never have allowed myself to feel emotionally. That the only thing that makes a person trans is identifying as a gender they weren’t assigned at birth. That is the end of the story. It’s one sentence.
*small crack*
Pandora’s box is wide open. I had just walked straight into a bright red barn door and didn’t even know it. With my emotional work and a little help from hypnosis, I let the thought that causes me to feel so much shame enter my mind for the very first time. Am I trans? Because I just sat there for the last couple of days enjoying wearing women's underwear for a couple hours and enjoying the fantasy of being turned into a woman. And if only one thing makes you trans then that would mean that I’m trans? I had to do what so many had done before, answer the question honestly. It wasn’t going away. I didn’t want to shove it down. And my own mind had caught me red handed with the evidence that I might really be a woman. With all the practice over the last couple years, I sat there with my heart beating through my chest and felt okay that I was feeling the intense emotional turmoil that I am completely unsure of my gender. So I went and tried to answer it. I started with Reddit of course and started to see a trend of resources that were consistently recommended. The two I can find that really helped won’t be a shocker. Gender Dysphoria Bible and Turn Me Into a Girl. One more I can’t find is a blog style one that had a couple of blogs about coming out and then figuring out they were transgender. In one was a webcomic about a man realizing he is trans. It starts with him alone, then the woman version of himself appears and the man version disappears once they accept themselves. Leaving the real version of themselves, her. I can’t find the blog anymore but we will touch on this more.
Unable to do anything except keep reading, I click and read through Turn Me Into A Girl. All the tweets in the sidebar. Almost all the questions that someone is doubting who they are would ask. All the reasons they just couldn’t be trans. I felt like my mind was being read. It was the start of connecting to an experience I have just never felt. Feeling understood. By the time I scroll back to the top I know exactly what that button does. At this point my body is buzzing all over. It feels good but at the same time scary. My mouse hovers over the button that I know means something profound about my identity. I click. I’m excited, I can’t deny. Every single time I see a heart pop it builds this feeling I don’t think I’ve ever felt, like I could power an entire city with the amount of electricity rushing through my body. And there it was exactly what I expected to see. It told me I was a girl and only a girl would click that button. I genuinely thought of myself as a woman outside of a sexual manner and loved it. I was so happy a stupid website called me a girl. I felt another emotion I can’t recall ever feeling before, euphoria.
*another, louder crack*
At this point I’m pretty much shaken to my core. My only choice is to keep going. One profound experience wasn’t going to answer this question. So I went through the Gender Dyspohria Bible because despite probably feeling stronger than I’ve ever had, I had a million doubts. An amazing resource that has helped me understand what being trans would really mean. I don’t have much to say about the website other than it heavily influences everything I have said. But let's touch on the webcomic I mentioned. More specifically, how it made me feel. As I read through it felt like the author and literally opened a window into my soul. I have never in my life resonated with a piece of media like this. And then the final panel, the moment where the man disappears and only the woman is left. This is the moment I’ll never forget because it’s impossible to deny and it is my real true moment of clarity. I have never so desperately wished for something in my life. I have never felt such envy. It’s painful to even think about really. In a way I don’t even want to find it again but I will eventually. But I also knew that those feelings can only mean one thing. That I’m trans.
*egg shatters*I am by no means anywhere near close to acceptance because it’s only been 48 hours, but I know in my heart and future self that I will recognize this moment for what it truly is. I want to deny it. I want to wake up like this was all a crazy dream. But from that moment forward I felt I had no choice but to fully explore it. If it feels wrong it will be obvious because this feels so right. That I was going to journey until I found the end of the long, winding road of what my gender is and how do I want to really present it. From here on out I can’t lock down my feelings to specific events. That night as I layed in bed and didn’t sleep a wink. I focused purely on the feelings around being a woman. Nothing else like the process of transitioning because I knew it was going to cloud my thoughts. This leads to the first major fantasy I allowed myself to have. Something that felt grounded and real but was safe because it sounded far off in the future still. I would somehow meet a trans woman and we would become amazing friends as they helped me explore my gender in a safe and comfortable environment.
You can’t really capture a couple hours of fantasy but I’ll describe the main one that keeps circling my head. I get there and it starts with us talking for hours because I need to explain the million thoughts that have been racing through my head since I first discovered it. I’ve been forthright and they know exactly why I am here. So we do. I eventually work up the courage and ask them to go through with the whole original plan I told them. To call me she/her and let's play dress up. Like please dress me up fully as a woman. I want a full face of makeup. Anything that isn’t permanent is fine. We do and I finally open my eyes. And I see Her. I look pretty. Somehow I manage to pass because I now realize that it’s not the woman's clothes I want to tear off anymore, it’s that the idea of looking like a man still makes me feel disgusted. I want to open my eyes and just see a woman. And then I freak the fuck out because now that I can see her my stupid ass can’t put it back. And the moment comes along that ultimately will feed the rest of the fantasies that I won’t touch in detail. It’s a fantasy so they know exactly what to say to help me feel better. They sit me down on their bed as I pace the room talking about how terrible this revelation is. Then she grabs my head and makes me stare her in the eyes. And she tells me that she thinks I’m a beautiful woman. I melt entirely. I lay in bed thinking of that moment over and over again as the waves of euphoria drown me. I love it. I love it because she affirms me as a woman. This is where my mind takes off with the other fantasies. Every single one is entirely non sexual and all about being affirmed as a woman.
Someone introduces me as their girlfriend for the first time. Euphoria. Girls night out and we get back home. They all view me as a woman. Euphoria. First time ever thinking about being someone's wife. Euphoria. Coming out to my older sister, who god bless has said some incredible kind and generous things about trans people, telling me how glad she has a sister and loves me for who I am. Euphoria. My best friend not giving a fuck and nothing changes except that he views me as a woman. Euphoria. Every single one that night was centered around being affirmed as a woman. I finally fell asleep for all of 2 hours. The next morning I laid there on my back doing a thousand yard stare at the ceiling. Allowing myself to think that I spent the entire night dreaming about being a woman, loving every second of it. And then that can of worms opens up and I ask myself. How could I have not realized this sooner? I certainly can’t turn around on this one way road but I don’t remember taking this exit.

Dm please if you could answer some questions about nutshots. I want to describe reactions and pain exactly in my shortstories about bullying and nerds get revenge or just guys fooling around and hit eachother in the nuts or wedgieing Luckily never been hit before How would I probably react if hit in the nuts first time?

Dm please if you could answer some questions about nutshots. I want to describe reactions and pain exactly in my shortstories about bullying and nerds get revenge or just guys fooling around and hit eachother in the nuts or wedgieing Luckily never been hit before How would I probably react if hit in the nuts first time?

Hello all! I’m trying to get a good wardrobe together for easy and efficient travel. My first order of business is to find good underwear!! I typically prefer thongs, with a wider gusset (I need the lips to stay put) I’m also willing to venture outside of my thong comfort zone and maybe try some briefs or cheekies or something. But I am autistic and have a hypersensitivity to the way things feel on my body (and it’s not always consistent.) Like I will have a breakdown if I feel my underwear that isn’t supposed to be riding up starts giving me a wedgie. Which is why I like thongs, they’re suppose to be that way lol If that makes sense?
Now that I’m done rambling… I’m hoping to get some recommendations from you lovely people for your most comfy thongs and undies! Preferably merino wool! Thank you!😊

What are y’all doing for panties?
I know we are suppose to wear cotton to let it breathe down there but almost all the cotton underwear I find have the elastic trim around the legs and waist band. I mainly wear thongs. And today I realized just how uncomfortable they are.
I ordered some no show nylon underwear for under leggings and workouts and holy shit it’s so much better. I tried to wear my cotton thong today and I was in pain.i can’t do the digging into my skin. But nylon isn’t suppose to be good?? What do you guys wear specifically thong ppl!