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Intro

It’s not much of a stretch to say that violence is the primary form of interaction in video games. With a handful of exceptions, most video games involve guys whacking other guys, with varying degrees of brutality. Even chill games fall into this - Stardew Valley has sections with combat in them! Considering the pervasiveness of violence in video games, there has been a ton of amateur and academic commentary on the topic. However, while this is a well-established school of thought, I haven’t seen people try to apply this to Fire Emblem specifically.
So, let’s do that now! In this post, I’ll be exploring how violence in Fire Emblem is implemented - what limitations are placed on violence, how it warps wider game and narrative design, and what it implicitly says and does not say. I hope this post doesn’t come off as too early-2010s “makes you think”-y, but I do think there are multiple interesting things worth talking about here!
Despite the length of this post, "a brief discussion" is an appropriate title, as we won't be able to go into depth on everything. After all, video games are holistic works, so the attitude towards violence is relevant to every aspect of their design. However, I have managed to wrangle some of these threads into the following structure: first a discussion on the fundamental mode of interaction in Fire Emblem, then how stories are constructed with regards to violence, and ending with the aesthetics of violence and how they relate to characters. Also, as FE is a huge series, be aware that I am gonna be making some broad statements which may not apply to each individual plot point of every game. I actually planned to write 3 case studies around Thracia 776, Fates, and Three Houses (which have the most interesting attitudes to violence in the series IMO) which point out these deviations, but this post is way too long and full of tangents already. If people are interested, I’ll make a followup to this post which goes into them in more detail. Also also, because of the nature of this post, I’ll actually give a useful TL;DR for once:
TL;DR: Nintendo games must be fun mechanically, and they can’t be too uncomfortable narratively. If you try to provide a counterpoint by saying “oh this Kirby final boss is super dark it eats 100 morbillion galaxies”, you do not deserve rights. IntSys has to keep to this as a 2nd party publisher, but they also have to deal with the fact that their games are at least nominally about ‘war’ (or at least they put their toes into that particular thematic pool). This conflict between making a fun video game for children/teens and the wider framing of the narrative leads to interesting narrative and aesthetic tensions. also fun is cringe, misery is based

“Do you like hurting other people?” (or The Fundamental Mode of Interaction)

OK LISTEN I KNOW I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO COME ACROSS AS A EARLY 2010s “VIOLENCE IN VIDYA BAD :O????” PERSON BUT I SWEAR I’M GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS
The best place to start when talking about violence in video games is to think about the primary form of interaction in said game. In the case of Fire Emblem, this is in the in-chapter gameplay. Sure, in objective terms the player moves arbitrary objects across a 2D grid which perform subtraction on arbitrary objects controlled by the computer, but this is always framed as controlling a squad of soldiers to engage in (typically lethal) combat with enemies (who are normally also soldiers). When you’re not doing this in-chapter gameplay, you are preparing for the next chapter of combat. This involves surveying the area of combat, preparing weapon loadouts, etc, however more recent entries also include light life-sim-esque elements. To summarize, Fire Emblem’s interactivity involves ordering violence as well as the preparations to order said violence.
For players, this strategic thinking is extremely fun and is the primary draw of the series! You have all these tier lists of who’s better at killing, discussion of the maps where you do the killing, complaints about the length of gameplay sections where you don’t do killing, etc. This is by design, as while I don’t know the core brand tenets of Nintendo, I imagine the Reggie quote “If it isn’t fun, why bother?” is carved into a solid gold statue of Mario in the office lobby. This then is enforced on all associated studios, including IntSys and so Fire Emblem. While I would disagree with that Reggie quote (especially the bit where he says “If it’s not a battle, where’s the fun?” which is a wild statement to make about an entire medium), this approach to making games is ultimately fine, and so IntSys tailored the strategic gameplay to be satisfying to your dopamine receptors. You could analyse what the normalisation of violence even in ‘just for fun’ games says about wider gaming culture, but I won’t get into that here. In any case, let’s dig into a few specifics of FE’s interactivity.
One thing that’s interesting with regard to strategy games is the detached perspective of the player. You order units and observe the resulting violence, but it’s not tactile, you don’t directly swing the sword or shoot the bow or cast the spell like with action games. This adds a layer of separation between the player and what fundamentally happens, at least within the framing that the game provides. It’s not like Call of Duty, where your relationship to the violence is very visceral, where you view everything down the barrel of a gun. OK, I probably shouldn’t use a series that I have very little personal experience with (I only listen to the supplementary lore material, so let’s talk about Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. While you’re not directly in the driver’s seat, John Sekiro reacts to your every input with extreme responsiveness, so overcoming the game’s challenges i.e. stabbing people is incredibly visceral and satisfying. While this violence is fantastical in nature, there is sufficient blood and explicit sword-action to clearly say “oh yeah you are violently killing all of those bozos with a katana”. Coming back to FE, not only are you far more detached from the violence, it is presented in an extremely cartoony manner… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, we’ll get to the aesthetics later. Point is, Fire Emblem gives the viewpoint of a stoic commander, who Does What Needs To Be Done™, and not the viewpoint of an actual soldier who has to do the actual killing.
Now let’s view the player’s perspective on violence from a different angle. Fire Emblem intends for its combat to be relatively relaxed on the player side of things - the turn-based nature allows the player to calmly think through all of their moves, and you typically have perfect information on the enemies. The only exceptions to this are Fog of WaSame Turn Reinforcements, which are rare and typically unpopular amongst the fanbase. This leans into ‘combat as sport’, where (going back to the Reggie quote) you have a fun time picking apart a puzzle with the tools you have, and we all collectively enjoy this! This is a valid way of designing strategy games, and I like what IntSys has done. However, it’s not the only way of making these games - for example, in Total War you have to juggle all your battalions in real time whilst the enemy is bearing down on you, and the XCOM games always have Fog of War and limited information on the enemies, with you never knowing what kind of awful new monster is going to suddenly charge at you. Don’t get me wrong, neither of these follow ‘combat as war’, the principle that violence should properly mimic the stress, tension and unfairness of actual conflict. Hell, neither of them are particularly mature either - Total War is the strategy game equivalent of smashing action figures together, and XCOM emulates a pulp sci-fi alien invasion story. However, the additional pressures these games have make them hew slightly closer to actual conflict, putting you more in that mindset in a way that the clean fun Fire Emblem doesn’t really do. Again, I want to say FE’s approach to violence in in-map gameplay is fine, but when all three of these franchises have an explicit narrative framing of ‘warfare’, it does make Fire Emblem’s narrative a little more… stretched.
Finally, I want to briefly mention the maps. To steal from a brilliant Jacob Geller video, these are Worlds Designed For Violence. At least outside of the Kaga games, the maps you fight on are primarily designed around how the player interacts with them, i.e. fights on them. While I imagine the narrative designers and artists at IntSys are involved throughout the map design process, the gameplay flow probably takes precedence most of the time. Maps are not designed to resemble realistic places that you have to fight through, they are instead designed primarily to provide fun gameplay experiences before being dressed up by the artists to look realistic/fit the specific story beat. This is a more consistently entertaining approach to map design - heaven knows we have a lot of Kaga castle assault maps which are as fun as actually assaulting an entrenched position IRL - but this lack of friction could potentially take the bite out of the intended vibe, neuter any commentary on violence throughout the story.
You may have noticed that we’ve only talked about the “in-map” gameplay for now, when there’s an entire second half of these games, i.e. all the gameplay between the maps. Don’t worry, we’ll get to all of that, but this may fit better in:

Something something “ludonarrative” something something (or Narrative Implications)

(To clarify, here I’m going to talk about the wider plots and narrative structure as opposed to characterisation, as that fits more into the aesthetics of the series)
It’s not bold to say that the narratives of games have to warp around the core gameplay structure. Especially in AAA video game production, the narrative designers usually have to take a back seat to the systems and level designers, at least outside of the initial rough outline they provide in the original game pitch. In this case, the job of the writer is to form vaguely coherent connective tissue between individual levels, setpieces and expensive pre-rendered cutscenes. This must be a very difficult job, and is probably the reason why most video game stories are the way they are. I am not privy to IntSys internal meetings, but I imagine they abide by this paradigm, trying to give a reason for why you fight 20 battles which roughly align with plot beats that were decided years ago.
Put another way, the writers of Fire Emblem must contrive a reason why the characters fight a vast number of violent battles in a strategic manner. This has a pretty easy solution - war! We have found something it’s good for, as whenever the gameplay designers decide that an extra map is required, the writers can just insert “oh no there’s a blockade of enemy soldiers in the way, guess you gotta kill them all”. This is the case for almost all the games and is a fair enough narrative choice, as it’s frankly one of the few scenarios where you could reasonably contrive so many battles, but it’s worth examining this in a bit more detail.
Even in the framing of warfare, there are still a lot of skirmishes, which sometimes the narrative or tone fails to support - or at least, their presence means that violence isn’t taken that seriously. Let’s take an example from early in Awakening: Emmeryn sends the Shepherds to negotiate an alliance with Regna Ferox. On the way, they are ambushed by Risen on the Northroad (1), have to fight the border guards who think Chrom is a bandit I think??? (2), and then after arriving they need to take part in Regna Ferox’s ritual combat to secure their alliance (3). These beats aren’t necessarily bad, and I actually think Awakening uses these opportunities quite well: the Risen are established as a constant threat to the world (except not really in the main story but that’s a whole other thing), “Marth'' gets more development, we set up Regna Ferox as fighty people who like to fight, and while the middle encounter is very tenuous it does set up a funny joke in Cynthia’s paralogue. However, I want to communicate that if the map/encounter designers need X maps between plot points A and B - in this case, needing low-stakes trials in the tutorial period - then there’s gonna be a fair bit of narrative filler. That is to say, there must be multiple combat encounters that kinda just happen, which makes violence a lot more casual in the narrative. See also the myriad examples of “oh shit random bandits attack!”, used to have a lower stakes map, with bandits appearing and vanishing as needed. This works fine enough in the context of ‘combat as sport’, allowing your favourite scrunglo to build up a triple-digit body count, but this casual attitude circumvents potentially interesting ideas with regards violence. Taking the example further, banditry and its causes are never seriously explored, as bandits are just treated as a filler enemy (except in Based As Hell Thracia 776).
Another narrative consequence of needing so many fights is that… you need to fight. That is to say, any anti-war sentiment or appeal to diplomacy in the series is fundamentally undercut by a) strategic combat being a core appeal of the series and b) narrative beats needing to be structured around fighting enemies. It’s a struggle to have moments of diplomacy and reconciliation when you had a fight within 3 minutes of said moment, lest some people start screaming that things are getting boring. This also makes any appeals to pacifism kinda moot. Xander’s quote about “war bad” in Conquest is utter bullshit, as a huge part of the marketing around that route focuses on the coolness of the tactical combat and its challenge. Eirika and Ephraim can never be equal, because Ephraim’s “fighting is fucken awesome” is encouraged by the gameplay, and Eirika can NEVER save 11037 because we need a final boss and no-one else fits the bill.
Speaking of, in video games it’s best practice to have a big bad guy you fight at the end of the story, the toughest mechanical challenge coinciding with the narrative climax. In Fire Emblem, you have one grand final battle which decides the fate of the war and/or world, before cutting to a brief wrap-up and then credits. This is an attempt to make these games satisfying, which is fine, but this is at odds with an anti-war message (which FE often gestures towards) - that is, actual wars tend to be deeply unsatisfying in a narrative sense! Oftentimes, after a decisive battle, things just kinda keep going for a little while afterwards with casualties continuing to pile up until peace terms are agreed. In the few cases where there is a final battle, it’s more of a formality as the decisive moment occurred months ago. See World War 1 and… World War 2 for examples of each, not to mention a whole host of war-related books and films. The problem with doing this in a video game is that it would require having multiple one-sided fights past the most climatic fight, which would be unfun, and we return to that fucking Reggie quote again. While video games can effectively explore this anti-war narrative space - This War of Mine is a fantastic example - it just doesn’t gel with the fun games that IntSys wants to make. I bring this up in the context of FE because Fire Emblem has such an aesthetic focus on warfare compared to other video games, so it sticks out even further. Even in FE6/FE9 where the war is effectively over in the final few maps, the enemies still remain extremely challenging, because if they didn’t things would be boring.
A few minor things that didn’t fit in above before we wrap up this section. First of all, in making an action packed story, Fire Emblem neglects an important aspect of army life in warfare - the “hurrying up and waiting”. In the majority of cases, the breaks between fights is under 10 minutes, it’s just glossed over. Fire Emblem Three Houses is the exception to this, but there it’s more framed as school life. Some people may say “what’s the point in having large amounts of timewasting where nothing happens in my game about war” and to that I would say fuck you, I want to play Jarhead Emblem. Next, Fire Emblem involves fighting people AND monsters, but these targets are typically given equal narrative weight, outside of maybe a funny line of dialogue about someone being afraid of monsters. In 99% of cases, enemy soldiers you fight have no more humanity than literal monsters. The death of any of your beloved soldiers is a tragedy with big sad death quotes, the death of those poor fuckers is quite literally a statistic which is proudly used to rank how well your guys have done at the end of the game. Finally, the limited scope of the violence the series can show limits the potential impact of scenes. In some cases, this is good as the implication is enough, e.g. the ‘Monica’ scene in Sacred Stones is wonderfully grim and would be weakened by anything explicit. However, a number of other scenes are neutered by the limitations on violence. This fundamentally relates to the aesthetics of the series:

insert prozd tweet/skit here (or Aesthetics, Tone, and Characters)

I’ve been talking a lot about ‘the violence committed’, and this might have seemed a bit weird to you. It’s a true statement, but because the violence is mostly cartoony and abstracted - bad guys disappear into nothingness, there’s no blood, etc - it’s hard to think of it in that way. It’s basically impossible to place Fire Emblem in the same artistic sphere as, say, All Quiet on the Western Front. This aesthetic sense was partially tech-limited in the early NES and SNES games, which was grandfathered into the more graphically complex titles, but it’s also related to how the aesthetics unavoidably warp the tone of the work. IntSys needs their games to be relatively lighthearted and unconcerned with the consequences of its violence, as one of the core appeals of these games is the charming cast of characters. As you would expect, it would be a lot harder to appreciate your goofy blorbos and their lighthearted chats about nothing if you could see the brutal consequences of their triple digit body counts. If violence was more realistic, there would be a lot less “ooh I like training and/or this one hyperspecific food” or “I like peace, but I guess violence may be possibly needed sometimes” and there would have to be a lot more trauma and dourness. There are also age rating concerns, as you can’t exactly sell Come And See Emblem to pre-teens. And once more, to clarify: Fire Emblem as it exists now is fine! I like the lighthearted tone of this series, and I like the characters that reside within it. However, a few problems do arise from IntSys’s approach to violence, as occasionally they brush up against darker ideas but (due to similar reasons to the above) they can never commit to them, which neuters their potential impact. This is especially troublesome with regards to characterisation, as the little dudes are a core appeal, so if something is off that could cause problems. In a sense, at points we have severe aesthetic tension.
A fairly useful case study to see how this affects characterisation is with Mozu in Fire Emblem Fates. Mozu is a charming character, a genial country bumpkin with a bit of an edge at times, who has fond memories of her hometown. This lines up with the lighthearted tone of her recruitment paralogue, where (checks notes) her entire village gets massacred by inhuman monsters, with her mother literally being murdered right in front of her, and she joins up with Corrin’s party because there is literally nothing left of her old life. I understand that people who experience extreme trauma do still manage to live meaningful lives, and that IntSys wouldn’t want to have a character who is a barely functional traumatised mess for 90% of the campaign. However, this doesn’t explain the sheer dissonance between the relatively normal and well-adjusted Mozu who quietly remembers her lost loved ones, and the fact that her village got My Lai’d a handful of weeks ago in the game’s timeline. IMO this would work a lot better if there were a few survivors (instead of literally everyone else dying), with Mozu actively choosing to leave her old life to help others instead of being forced to leave by circumstance. This reduction in scope would mitigate the dissonance between the character and what actually happens to her. This is by far the most extreme example in the series, however I’m sure you can think of others. My issue here is not with having ‘normal’ characters, or with them suffering tragedies, my issue is the dissonance between the two when viewing the scope of said tragedies. This is just one way the series wants to get into darker territory, then swiftly backing off instead of delving into the consequences.
This aesthetic restriction also affects the potential impact of dramatic scenes in the main story, limiting what the focus of these scenes can actually be. This little bit will involve heavy spoilers for Genealogy of the Holy War and Spec Ops: The Line (I KNOW THESE GAMES ARE VERY DIFFERENT WITH VERY DIFFERENT INTENDED DEMOGRAPHICS IN VERY DIFFERENT CULTURAL CONTEXTS, SHUT UP). Both have a very important narrative moment around their midpoints, involving fire magic/white phosphorus respectively. In each game, the deaths that occur are utterly horrific when you think about them. In FE4 the focus is on the drama of the plot twist and effects on the characters, with the actual effects of the violence being left to implication. We don’t know if this was the original intent of Kaga and the team, or if this was enforced by various tech- and publisher-related restrictions, but in either case we do not see anything explicit. In any case, in Spec Ops: The Line, the horror and graphic nature of the violence is completely inescapable, and therefore forms the core of the turning point of the story. The specifics of the violence itself are crucial - the game does not work if you don’t see the consequences of the white phosphorus - and it leads beautifully to the complete descent of its endgame. You may be saying “of course you couldn’t show that violence in FE, it’s a kids game” which is true, and in any case the scene in Genealogy is very good, even without showing the violence. I imagine if we get a remake in the year 202X we wouldn’t see anything explicit anyway, partially due to the publisher but also because the scene doesn’t necessarily need it. The point I am trying to make is that the aesthetics form a limitation on what Fire Emblem can explore, narrative space that the series fundamentally cannot reach.
One more thing, and this isn’t really about the games themselves but the impressions leading into them, and how the aesthetics can affect that. Do you guys remember when the intro cutscene of Three Houses was released a few weeks before release? I do, and I also remember the collective shock of the community when seeing the early previews. It was so drastically different to everything that had come before, and consequently was really intriguing - you can see a lot of speculation in the above comments. To clarify, I don’t want to pretend that 3H is some kind of super mature ultra gritty war story, or that blood = good game, but that beginning cutscene gave one hell of a first impression. Even though the game isn’t that much darker than any other FE game, the sheer unexpectedness put people off-kilter in a kinda awesome way. Does the game actually deliver? YMMV, but I think this (and some of the later cutscenes, such as the mid-game Dimitri one) work quite well. Sometimes, a little injection of harsher violence can go a long way.

Conclusion

Frankly I don’t really have a conclusion, sorry. As you can see, there are so many disparate strands, I can’t possibly make one grand thesis statement. Maybe the inherent contradictions of having warfare in a family friendly video game weakens the potential end result? I guess, but I don’t want to imply that what we have now is bad, as it is pretty good tbh. So, uhh…
…
OK, if I had to say something, it’s more about the process of making this. Having to try and think about how violence intersects with a video game you like takes you in a number of different directions. Ultimately, this process was really fulfilling for me, and I would recommend that you do the same (for FE or anything else)! Trying to analyse something you enjoy from a perspective not usually applied is pretty neat. If you guys have any thoughts (on the points above or your own), I’d be very interested to hear them!
Also, if people are interested, I’ll try to make a few case studies. I would focus on Thracia 776, Fates, and Three Houses, as (when thinking on this topic) I found that these games were consistently the most intriguing, with the most interesting relationships to violence. This would probably take a while though, as I am gonna be very busy in June, and I probably won’t have time this month either.

Description (for Listener): You’re the dutiful guardian of the door for your complex. In a world overrun by doppelgangers whose most recent gimmick is sneaking into the guarded apartments. You must keep the sanctity of the system if only to protect your beloved neighbors. To do your job the best you often have to entertain your more chatty neighbors.
Alternate Description (for Speaker): You’ve returned from a long day of work, wanting nothing more than to convince your favorite neighbor—the door person—your muse! Too bad their simply stuck on this one neighbor; you’ll have to think about how to get rid of him as soon as possible.

A/N: It’s been a while but I’m happy to get writing again!
This is up for monetization just credit me, please! If you put this behind a paywall just privately message me!
I'm alright with improvising for this script!
All [Sounds] are suggestions!
Also if anyone is interested, here’s my Masterlist!
Anyway Enjoy,
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
<>>><><><><><><><<><<><><><><><><><<><><><><><><<><><><>

(Neighbor Speaker)
Ah, it’s you again! Isn’t it just crazy that every time it’s your shift we end up bumping into each other? Crazy, right?
(Neighbor Speaker)
Oh! Right! Here are my papers, and my ID, and if you’d like I wouldn’t mind throwing in the latest issue of ‘Know Your Neighbor!’
(Neighbor Speaker)
Turns out my hunch was right! They were planning to bump me up and now I’ve got my column on the second page on the right.
(Neighbor Speaker)
See?
(Neighbor Speaker)
In a world like the one we live in, us neighbors need to keep close tabs on each other. Don’t you agree?
(Neighbor Speaker)
Wow, I didn’t think you’d be so opinionated about it but I would be lying if I hadn’t heard that criticism before. While many may say writing about this always-kept-anonymous–character of the perfect neighbor might give away too much to any doppelgangers smart enough to read. I see it as a way to alert others about seeing the good and noticing the best parts of your neighbors.
(Neighbor Speaker)
So any guesses as to who you think I might be talking about?
(Neighbor Speaker)
It’s…not the milkman.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Not Elenois. Knowing her she’d sooner skin me than bother with her reputation.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Any other guesses?
(Neighbor Speaker)
I am positive I am not talking about the milkman. You really like bringing him up, don’t you?
(Neighbor Speaker)
I mean I’m sure some people will consider the bags under his eyes, his monotone voice, and his grumpy personality kind of cute.
(Neighbor Speaker)
What? I’m just saying we’ve had quite a few doppelgangers almost make it in here because they imitate him. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the one in here now was one.
Selling his new creation scarlet milk and expecting no one to be suspicious. That guy’s a weirdo and I just don’t know what you see in him.
(Neighbor Speaker)
I’m clearly so much better.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Oh? Everything checks out? Great as expected of my favorite door person! Always doing your best to protect us from those sneaky doppelgangers.
[Metal Door Opening]
[Stepping Through Door]
[Metal Door Closing]
(Neighbor Speaker)
Uh hey, how soon is your shift over?
(Neighbor Speaker)
I was wondering if you’d like to maybe come to my apartment. I have some snacks and I’ve got a radio! You and I can cuddle up on the couch have a drink or two and listen to the radio show.
(Neighbor Speaker)
But if you don’t want to do that I definitely have some other cool things we can do! Have ourselves a friendly–maybe romantic sleepover.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Your shift ends when the last person in the building comes? That’s backward, people spend the whole day doing spontaneous things. Heck, even I know reporting for leave I won’t just be going to work I’ll have a friendly meal at the cafe while I write plans for my column.
(Neighbor Speaker)
If you can believe it, my muse often doesn’t leave the building/ While it’s nice to write near them all I can do is watch and spend time with you er–them when I’m at home. A lovely inconvenience, eh? The neighbor I want to protect distracts me from pretty much everything.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Anyway, who are we waiting on for you to finish?
(Neighbor Speaker)
Ah, speak of the devil.
(Neighbor Speaker)
So you really can’t end your day without this guy coming through.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Hypothetically if you were to end your shift early what would happen to him?
(Neighbor Speaker)
Locked out of the complex for the night? At the defense of doppelgangers until morning? That sorry sleepy sack of bones?
(Neighbor Speaker)
Sounds perfect!
(Neighbor Speaker)
I mean for those nasty doppelgangers! That’s probably what they’d think if you hypothetically ended your shift early.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Uhm if you’d like I can keep you company! I still have a drink or two saved from the office! The bottle’s barely finished and I most certainly could use your help finishing it!
It’s okay you’re practically done besides between the two of us we can spot any doppelgangers, right?
(Neighbor Speaker)
So? Are you game?
(Neighbor Speaker)
So hesitant…I thought your job was to protect your neighbors. Well, currently your poor neighbor is suffering without a drink. So my favorite door guardian, my muse–will you help me?
(Neighbor Speaker)
Yes! I have the glasses!
[Drinks Clinking]
[Sounds of Drink Pouring]
(Neighbor Speaker)
Bottoms up!
(Neighbor Speaker)
Oooh, that was a good chug! Think you could stomach another?
(Neighbor Speaker)
Wow, you’re such a trooper but I bet you can’t beat my record. I’ve had over five full glasses in one go.
[Bottle Being Snatched]
[Bottle Quickly Being Chugged]
(Neighbor Speaker)
Whoa that’s a lot are you going to be able to stand?
[Body falling from Chair]
(Neighbor Speaker)
I’m not complaining! You are my muse after all! My favorite neighbor is especially cute when drinking far too much!
(Neighbor Speaker)
Alright, up you go!
(Neighbor Speaker)
Hey, how about we head to your apartment instead? It’s so hard trying to get a copy of your key it’d just be easier if you let me inside. A good neighbor should always have the means to check on you–especially when you spend all day protecting all of us.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Do you think you can start heading that way, now? That’s my muse!
[Slow Labored Footsteps Fading]
(Neighbor Speaker)
In the meantime, I’ll just start wrapping up your workstation.
[Papers Shuffling]
[Hurried Footsteps]
(Neighbor Speaker)
Oh, the… milkman. Good to see you.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Yeah, I’m just filling in for them, they went to the bathroom.
(Neighbor Speaker)
I’ll just check everything and let you in.
(Neighbor Speaker)
The entry request, and the ID everything checks out….
(Neighbor Speaker)
Except…oh no…your appearance.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Yes, your perfectly chiseled face and tired eyes that my muse just can’t seem to get enough of.
(Neighbor Speaker)
That's a problem. Plus you don’t have all the proper documents.
[Shredder Starts]
(Neighbor Speaker)
Oops turns out you’re claiming to be a neighbor of mine who’s still out and about. That’s a shame.
[Banging against Glass]
(Neighbor Speaker)
And so violent, it’s best I call the D.D.D.
[Button Pressed]
[Alarm goes Off]
[Phone Clicking]
[Phone Ringing]
(Neighbor Speaker)
Yes, we have a doppelganger, here that needs removing. Thank you!
(Neighbor Speaker)
Now my favorite Neighbor can end their day and spend all their time with me.
(Neighbor Speaker)
No more of that milk…man getting in my way.
(Neighbor Speaker)
Oh my muse, I’m coming be careful going up those stairs! I’m coming sweetie!

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25F, BMI healthy range, no smoking, no drugs, low alcohol consumption. Physical job, good shape. Medications beclometasone (asthma), sertraline. North Europe.
EYES: For the past month I have had nonstop visual problems which feels like a migraine aura. My vision is grainy like TV static noise. If I look at a geometric pattern, it starts moving: if I stand on our geometric rug and look down, my feet disappear from my vision. If lighting changes, I see white and black spots and patches moving around. If I close my eyes, I also see patches moving, even flashing lights sometimes. I struggle to focus on looking at things, other thigns around the focus point start moving or then I have double vision. I have occasional pain behind my **left eye**, a feeling of pressure, sometimes tingling and goosebumbs in the eyesocket. One night red spots (petechiae) appeared around this eye.
VERTIGO/EARS: I have vertigo on and off. At worst I couldn't stand straight without swaying and even crawled on the floor cause everything was spinning. If I close my eyes and try to walk or stand on one leg, I fall down. (Normally I do sports that require good balance and am able to eg. go up and down a rope on one leg and jump onto obstacles and slide while downhill skiing.) I have tinnitus, mainly low noise like holding an ear against a seashell, sometimes periods of loud beeps. Once I lost hearing in my **left ear** for a period of time.
COGNITIVE: I forget things a lot and struggle to focus. I've always been absentminded but never this featherbrained. Before in my life I had never lost my bank card, and only once left the house while forgetting my keys inside. Now in a short period of time I have lost my bank card twice and keys twice and only got them back with the help of strangers. I have also felt just generally disorientated at times, asking stupid questions and misunderstanding what I'm told and just having very absurd thought chains that leave me acting like an idiot over something that could be done simply.
NUMBNESS: My legs, hands from elbow down, and mouth went numb last Saturday and still remain a little bit numb. I struggled walking, had to sit down a lot, and my grip wasn't as tight as normal. I felt lightheaded standing. I could speak and smile, though, and my face wasn't and never has been droopy. When I smile, though, the muscles on the left side of my mouth tense up unusually with wrinkles that used not to be there.
SWALLOWING: I struggle swallowing at times, threw up water once and just keep coughing at other times. (The petechiae I mentioned earlier happened after I threw up, so it could also be a result of that.)
EXHAUSTION: One day I was able to stay awake for just five hours (granted I was in the ER the past night for numbness), another night I slept for like fifteen hours. I am tired a lot, some days all I can do is lie in bed or sit on couch, other days I have to take more breaks and just go to bed right after work (if I've been even able to get to work.)
Tests so far: EKG normal. CBC normal. Blood pressure within normal range, a little elevated in one test but could have been just me worrying about not being able to stand at the time. Blood sugar and culture normal.
Tried so far: Headache does not respond to ibuprofen or paracetamol. I tried Epley manoeuvre for two weeks as a doctor suggested it, either that or rest from sick leave days might have improved the vertigo from "unable to stand without swaying" to "just annoying." Eye strain helps somewhat when I take off my glasses.
I feel like doctors aren't taking me seriously, even brought up my mental health history out of the bush like I'm imagining things even though I'm all gucci on that end. I get that my symptoms are unusual as a whole and they find it unlikely it's anything acute, but my life is so hellish with this shit, it's like flipping a coin if I'll be lying in bed all day with a headache and nausea and numbness and what not, or when I do drag my ass to work, if I gotta drag a chair around cause I struggle standing, and keep pushing myself to the end of the shift telling myself "just one more hour." It's also annoying I haven't seen properly for a month, even now writing this hurts my head. It's like they are hiding referrals like government secrets lol.
Background information: I have asthma and alfa-1-antitrypsin-deficiency (MZ alleles). I have also been on sertraline for years. (I did stop it last autumn when a doctor suggested it wasn't necessary anymore. I have family history of bipolar, and experienced a two week period of hypomania like symptoms after stopping. Soon after, a stressful life event triggered a depressive episode, which lasted for two months, but subsided as I started the medication again and got over the stressful life event. For the past four months I have had less stress than normally, I have been happy, I love my new work, I have friends, etc. When starting and ending sertraline I had mild side symptoms such as a feeling of vertigo for a second or two when moving my head quickly, but I would find it quite strange that a medication that has worked well for me for years would suddenly be behind all these strange symptoms that started about a month ago.)

I had applied to the Meng ECE Co-op program after a long wait, I decided to email the admissions program about the status of my application. A day later I get an email from then saying they won’t be able to give me an admit to the co-op program and instead offered me consideration to the normal Meng program which I approved of. Its been around 10 days since and the status still says there’s no decision made by the academic department for this new program. Has anyone experienced this, or if anyone knows what this means for my application and around when will the acceptances come out (since we’re already in mid-May)

This is a followup very much related to my last post https://www.reddit.com/clusterheads/comments/1cgie0n/rant_session_familyfriends_who_will_never_get_it/
I have been in a cycle ever since that day where I’ve been consistently getting clusters every 2-3 hours at night. Sleep —> cluster —oxygen —> sleep repeat. Needless to say, I’m exhausted both mentally and physically. They wake me up at night so I’m tired throughout the day but a nap is a sure way to start one a few hours later.
Anyways, mother’s day comes along. My grandmother had a dinner reservation for my mom and I to celebrate. On the car ride there it was particularly hot and the sun was blaring. The car had been in a parking lot in the sun for quite a while so it was very hot on the inside. I’ve come to learn one of my triggers is strong heat and a cluster begins in the car. I can be quite good at masking my physical pain (I’m not the type to be verbal n stuff) but it was pretty obvious I was uncomfortable. I was hoping it would just be a shadow or my paranoia getting the better of me because it’s rarer for me to get them mid day but it wasn’t.
By the time we had sat down in the restaurant it was starting to hit its peak and I just couldn’t bear it anymore, so I profusely apologized and said I really needed to call an uber home to use my tank (we live like 10 min away).
My mom and grandmother were extremely upset when they came home and started going on a rant about how it’s my fault that I can’t manage my headaches. My mom is probably one of the only person who has some kind of knowledge about cluster headaches so I was surprised she was spearheading this argument since, at this point, she should certainly know better about the causes and treatments (I’ve had them since I was 15-16 was properly diagnosed 2 years ago at 20, I am now 22).
Essentially they blamed me and my habits and said I am at fault for starting my headaches. They were saying I bring them on upon myself because I have a poor sleep schedule (not entirely untrue depending on how you see it, I regularly sleep around consistently 2-3 am every day regardless of clusters but get 5-8 hours of sleep depending on school/part time job), and because of my eating habits (we eat the same food together that is never particularly unhealthy lol?). I am by no means a health master but I wouldn’t put myself on the opposite end of the spectrum either (I exercise regularly), not to mention I have never smoked a day in my life and almost never drink, which I know are some significant markers or triggers for cluster headache sufferers.
It was a very frustrating (and pointless/misinformed) fight where I asked them if they genuinely think my clusters will suddenly disappear into thin air if I start going to bed at 10 pm and only eat vegetables. In this particular situation, I didn’t ask for any help, I took responsibility for myself and managed to resolve it on my own (as I always do anyhow) so I felt what they were demanding was simply unfair and completely unrealistic. They told me it was my fault I had to leave because I’ve been using oxygen “as a crutch.”
Girl a fucking crutch? What do you mean a crutch? That is quite literally my PRESCRIBED MEDICATION. I don’t have anything else. It is the most effective remedy that doesn’t cause you to be impaired for the rest of the day. I was absolutely livid.
Everything ends in a crying/screaming match. I am to blame for “ruining mother’s day” over a medical condition I certainly did not ask for, try to bring upon, or can fully control.
Today, I could hear my mom talking about it on the phone again withy grandmother. I am just so tired of these stupid fucking headaches and never being taken seriously.
Today was my off day, so when I go to sleep tonight I can expect to wake up with one. How exciting.

I had applied to UWaterloo’s Meng ECE Co-op program after a long wait, I decided to email the admissions program about the status of my application. A day later I get an email from then saying they won’t be able to give me an admit to the co-op program and instead offered me consideration to the normal Meng program which I approved of. Its been around 10 days since and the status still says there’s no decision made by the academic department for this new program. Has anyone experienced this, or if anyone knows what this means for my application and around when will the acceptances come out (since we’re already in mid-May)

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Apologizes for the long post, some important details to explain in the beginning to help better set the stage to explain things.. So my fiancé and I got engaged back in 2021 after dating for 10 years, being high school sweethearts & moving down south together to start a new life together where it’s more affordable. We’ve always managed to do ok for ourselves & are completely self sufficient. With that said our jobs pay well but we still struggle sometimes.. which is part of the reason why we haven’t tied the knot just yet.
We originally set our date to fall of 2023 back in spring of 2022.. proposed to our bridesmaids and groomsmen, mailed out save the dates, etc. In early spring of 2023, my fiancé ended up getting hurt at work which required surgery on his shoulder.. with the timing of everything this would mean he’d still be in a sling at the wedding.. we made the hard decision to postpone our big day to next fall of 2024 so we could both properly enjoy our big day and sent out new save the dates immediately. (This gave all our guests little over a years notice of the switch)
Jumping to the whole point of this now, December 2023 comes around and my best friend of 18 years gets engaged to her now fiancé whom she started dating right after I moved & barely know aside from the stories she tells me yet I’m OVER the moon for her ! (How exciting I am to have someone to go thru this wedding stuff with who can related !?) She is so excited and starts planning immediately & they tour venues the following week. They toured 2 venues & instantly loved 1 of them and immediately put down a deposit. She tells me right after and sends me pics & it’s this gorgeous venue that is also right on the wateocean. I am so shocked they lucked out so fast and ask when’s the wedding ?! She told me the date LITERALLY 3 weeks before my wedding…
At this point I’m speechless.. I immediately while in a state of shock congratulate her.. I’m so happy for you...
I told this to my fiancé who’s known my BFF just as long as me as we all grew up & went to the same school & he was FURIOUS & hurt.. he said it was selfish & that she basically f’d me over by getting married literally 1 month prior to us. He now wants nothing to do with her and refuses to speak to her again or attend their wedding period due to the disrespect of it all. I’m not a confrontational person & was so hurt by all this.. but knew I had to address it with her.. I waited a week or 2 then explained how hurt both me and my fiancé are & how difficult of a situation this puts us in (given she’s my BFF & knew how sad I was to have had to postpone the year prior) & how it hurt that they could consider his brothers feelings and his big day but not mine ?
(FYI she’s an only child if it means anything & we were so close my parents call her their daughter & I refer to her as my sister… she also told me I’d be her maid of honor whenever she’d get married bc of how close we are.. she was at least smart enough to not throw that on my plate thankfully.. however not to sound arrogant but if our dates weren’t on top of each other I’m POSITIVE she would’ve asked me)
Shel went into “defense” mode and instantly began stating why they chose the date..
1) her fiancés little brother is getting married in 2025 & so he refuses to get married the same year as it’s “not fair to steal his spotlight” if I remember correctly
2) it’s their dream venue
3) the only available dates left for 2024 was that last week of summer or November 2024.. she stated that bc her venue is on the water, she couldn’t do November bc of her elderly grandmother and how she could get sick (which is understandable)
4) they want to start having kids like now so they are in a rush to get married asap
Now this left me in such a weird feeling of confusion, hurt & sadness.. she already agreed to be my bridesmaid 2 yrs ago, our other mutual best friend who is a single mom as her child’s father passed was now asked to also be her bridesmaid too.. we have a TON of mutual friends & guests & with me moving down south 5 yrs ago & having the wedding down here.. my wedding is kinda considered a “destination” wedding as majority of our guests are traveling to our state.
She then tried to smooth it over by saying how she never meant to make me feel that way & then blamed her fiancé bc HE wanted that date & “didn’t give her any other option”… By her blaming it also makes me want to believe her bc he has always been very controlling of her.. constantly makes comments about her weight & says she’s getting fat, calls her 3x a day to see if she went to the gym, gets mad if she ever plays Xbox w me once in a blue moon bc that makes her “lazy” (mind you she’s an LPN and works 12 hour shifts smtns and is ALWAYS on her feet, she never wants to do nothing period- she has gastro issues that cause bloating & HE KNOWS THIS). He always tells her she’s not allowed to cut her hair prior to the wedding bc HE wants it long.. and it’s not like he asks or says it nicely either.. (bottom line, me and the rest of her bridesmaids strongly dislike him for all this and several other reasons which we’ve told her for years but are trying to be supportive bc in the end it’s her life/decisions )
Fast forward a little more, right after I tell her this & she gives me that story.. I tell her I need some time to heal, get over it, etc.. but that I love her bc she’s like a sister to me and I can’t imagine missing her big day or not being apart of it…
About a week or 2 after this, her MOH starts a chat and surprisingly has her bridal shower & Bach dates picked out already.. leaving me with not many options of when to do mine as mine will also be up North since none of my family is down south.. this makes my fiancé even more mad bc now he’s saying how I have to plan around her & this adds to why he was initially pissed bc it takes my spotlight away that I’ve patiently waited for.. so her Bach is May 2024 & shower is June 2024.. wedding last day of August 2024.. I decline her bach bc I can’t afford/take more time off work to travel.. and said I’d aim for shower if I can and yes to her wedding..
my Bach & Shower are now in July 2024.. back for back weekends so I’m up there for a week and a half for both.. (I had no idea how else to make it work at this point so just decided to do it all together.. )
She just had her Bach this past weekend and apparently she fought and said mean things to ALL of her bridesmaids and they are all pissed at her and 1 even dropped out of her wedding all together because of it.. our mutual BFF went and called me in tears when she got home bc of how selfish she was acting apparently & basically told them all that “this weekend was all about her and it’s not like any of them are getting married anytime soon or have anything excited going on in their lives so they need to get their shit together” (this was the 1st night on a Friday after everyone worked an 8+ hour day then drove 4-5 hours to the Airbnb). They dropped so much $ on this trip for her and she got into a verbal altercation with each of the 7 of them about how they weren’t doing enough to “party” and have fun with her the moment they got there.. this same argument continues the next day/night apparently to the point NOBODY wanted to be near her as they felt they’d be her next target. Come morning, everyone packed their stuff & ran home upset that the whole weekend they planned was nothing but arguments and ruined..
After hearing this & the comments she made, it really sent my thoughts racing.. how can she be so selfish to these girls whom I watched and helped from afar plan this whole trip for her? I’ve only been “gone” for 5 yrs and visited at least 1-2x a year since & constantly kept in touch everyday but I don’t recognize this person who’s supposed to be my BFF anymore..
To sum up this whole thing now.. I’m torn.. should I have ever bothered letting my initial hurt of the whole month before our wedding situation go in the first place when I forgave her? My Father, FIL & SIL are just as pissed as my fiancé is and don’t understand how I could just be okay with it all but commended me on being the bigger person to save my 18+ yr friendship bc they couldn’t.. Should I just back out of shower too and or her wedding entirely to save myself the extra stress ? I also have my Bach & Shower in July & her still one of my bridesmaids on top of all this to which some of my other bridesmaids are also mad at her for the situation & also agree w my fiancé who messed up it is… 🤦🏻‍♀️ SOS & please be kind to me if you can.. I’ve been so emotionally all over the place bc of this 🙏🏻🫶🏻

The story about me (36f) and my sister (38f) is long and complicated, so I’ll try to summarise as short as possible, which is long anyway. (English is not my first language - sorry for grammar!)
Sister has some kind of psychological issues she refuse to deal with properly. I suspect BPD, but I may be very wrong. Mom mentioned she may have gotten a diagnosis lately, but didn’t remember if it’s ADHD or Autism. She’s a very extrovert person who thrives when being around people. She only has two moods: ecstatic or depressed. She absolutely worships people, until one day when she cast them down to the status of a devil. Nothing in between.
Her life is cyclical. It starts with finding a new area of interest that she dives head first into. She meets people doing this thing she’s interested in and idolise them. She says it’s her calling in life, and credits her new-found mental wellbeing to this new calling. She invests everything she has into the new thing - time and money, even starts working in the field. Then comes the depression. Every time she claims she has never felt like this before. The people she worshipped are discarded and branded “bad” or “crazy”. She relies on family to get her back on her feet, then find a new area of interest that “saves her”, and the cycle starts anew. Over and over again.
I broke with her almost 5 years ago. She was depressed and lived with our parents again at that time. I was back to school to get a new career after first being burnt out, then losing my job. My daughter was 3 years old. At that time, I realised my marriage was a huge cause of my own depression and that he was cruel to out child and decided to get a divorce. My ex was very abusive, so I was facing the threat of being homeless, jobless and lose custody. My sister ripped me to shreds and told me that my problems were nothing compared to hers, and that my situation did not excuse not being there for her. For context - she called me every day while I was in school and made me “talk her out of” doing things to herself for 2 hours - every day for weeks while refusing therapy or medication. I lost it.
We went NC about 1 year, then to very LC the last 3 years. It’s working kinda good! As long as I don’t get close to her, we can even see each other without drama. The times I’ve slipped up and allowed too much contact has been a disaster, she becomes possessive straight away and demand I apologise to her for what I did.
My daughter (8f) is the only child in the family. Thank goodness my sister hasn’t had any, and doesn’t plan to either. My sister instantly fell in love with her, before she was even born. While she seems to forget daughter’s existence from time to time, she also adores her from time to time. She showers daughter in gifts and attention. When they last hung out, Sister even pretended to love the very same things as Daughter, which at the time was rainbows and unicorns.
Since I broke with Sister, she has met Daughter 3 times. Once overnight 3 years ago, the other 2 times just a couple of hours outside of home. I do invite her here from time to time and say she’s always welcome, but she never does. She doesn’t bother coming here even if she’s in the area. She lives 4 hours away with car, and now claims she can’t travel here because her horse needs her. Good for us, I thought. Less drama.
But last week I found a package in the mail, addressed to Daughter. In it were the gifts Sister missed giving her - Christmas, Birthday and Easter. There was also a card, in which Sister writes how much she loves Daughter. Boxed in with a green marker, she writes that it’s her biggest dream to have Daughter visiting her for a weekend, and that she’s willing to meet us halfway to pick her up. She asked me a year or so ago, but I haven’t heard a word from her this year.
Yesterday, my mom said Sister has been in touch with her too, asking her to bring Daughter to her. No one asked me. Sister still sends Daughter unicorns and rainbows, even though Daughter hasn’t been into them for more than two years. She does not know my Daughter anymore.
Daughter loves her aunt, and often talk about her and makes her drawings and jewelary. She doesn’t know the issues my Sister has. She does not know she is forgotten for weeks, maybe months at a time. I’m scared my Sister will break her heart, or mess her up. I have not asked Daughter if she wants to go, and she didn’t say anything when reading the card either.
I told mom that Sister is always welcome to come here, and that I want her to come and see Daughter at least twice before I’m ok with Daughter going there (with my parents - not alone. Even mom agrees whole heartedly that Daughter should not go there alone). Mom thinks it’s unreasonable, because Sister is afraid of me and won’t come. I have never raised my voice to her. Never said harsh words. Just refused to do what she wants, so I feel it’s unfair to blame me.
What is your take on this? Am I being unreasonable to “force” my sister to come visit us in order to see my daughter?

I…Without a source in void…Blank nothingness, no substance, material solidified, primordial concepts birthed from a dreaming consciousness left alone for immeasurable time… It was fear of the fragility to make existence…The first semblance of identity, already assumed the highest of dreamer, and miraculous freewill, a potential probability of "OM" unraveling. To vocally create after the amassed power to do so, could be a mistake of hellish surrealism, a failure of truth if it was to last eternity-should the beginning entities choose evil by choice, as made to believe, they're finite beings…inconceivable forever is a God… The perfection becomes the most vast elaboration conceivable, and, with a noise so loudly ultimate, the voice splices through the nothingness with a bang so violent, a literal universe awakens into momentary coalescence, attracting itself together into form at ultimate light speed, and yet slows down into a divisional amount of substances eventually labeled…linear, motion and time arrived…All of them asked if it was a perversion…no straight lines, folding on itself…ya, I smoke weed in my basement… The smartest said a vibratory process in an elastic inert medium, filling up universal space…a visible manifestation of a whole spectrum of electromagnetic waves, it's condensed hard, mixed within itself, from the inside out even made to expand…Gravitational warps, mass balls of weight create autobons, super highways ships can travel…sun's are harnessed, free energy exists, the utopian reality becomes actuality…some can only survive so long without destroying themselves before thousands of years fighting to survive…entire star systems or planets are capable to mobilize themselves into safety zones, remaining self sustaining and untouched by anything harmful for millions of years…in a bright future we'll never be "in"… "Swat!Smack!!!"...fly guts on my acrylic painting…cat urine soaked spotted drywall underneath the drop ceiling of a basement cellar attempt of a rental... space heater warmth resting on a concrete block of stone cold landlord profiteering, profit on an unbreathable musk heap. Mold permeates, damp dirt on a fresh spring rain, draining wetness into it... downloads of WiFi network binge watching the phone for t.v...Bi-law Officer's want to see me drooling on a pillow scratching my nut's in a torn up empty room, to drop an investigative neighbor's complaint of dwelling in decrepitude, that lowers the value of their home...at least my landlord isn't knocking with a human skin costume-because he's really a giant cockroach looking for "Orion's Belt", no, he's looking for regular handjobs from my ex's, and I know this from an eight minute recording of his request, obligingly sent to me from one of them...there are no bug's in the basement, just centipedes and daddy long legs, plus flies, attracted to the poop stained carpet above the bowing drywall, above me... there's no vent cover as the metal pops out through support beam's fitted with the heat tubes terribly hollow, this space is industrial...my particle board door has a dent two inches deep from a rock an ex took to it...it's about four inches thicker on the bottom, water has warped the wood to not close properly…I'm underground enough to survive like a roach in nukes,.though..Joe's apartment had company… People die of respiratory illness due to bedbugs or roach's...Overweight people run health stores, or give "qualified advice" for dietary athleticism…The most easiest of jobs make the most money, as nepotist's live as kings and queens upon the slavery of the less. The division is social and darwinian, brutality, and dominance…and it's a fluke for an individual to charm or be born into the luxurious…the unshared fullness may even morally be the great undoing… It is fear to lose such comfort or control. The very thought of equal entity implies shared power, and that is power to destroy. Why trust the loving power of another??? An epic story of hypocrisy and chosen specials… Dialectical psychosis to believe the purity is real. In cloud's to finally catch up to the surface of this original "bang", the noise gets louder…and I pop through the thought subjugated…big inhale… The entrance door, swelling out from the makeshift framing, jarring a gap that no seal's could fix. It's letting in breezes uncomfortable and chilling, and to get to that entrance, is a steep wooden step set that looks rather haunting... I was frightened I might have ended up in a freezer bag when I viewed the place before renting...took it because it was cheap, and I'd be alone with the grace of freedom, since a God's given none...the doorway is jarring to every female that's attempted a visit in this "abode", and bid farewell... I hear Shakespeare's dogs bark, the cat's patter as Ken's bus bird's chirp, flying over the nest, ambulance sirens, neighbor's arguing, and we have raccoons and squirrels inside, scratching and defecating along with the mice in almost every wall…it's Noah's Ark again…

I emailed this organisation that trains and gives guide dogs solely to autistic people. They don't have an age limit and say adults can apply too. I looked all through their website on my phone and laptop but couldn't find a proper way to apply, so I just sent them a direct email explaining my circumstances and to be fair I was really vulnerable in my email about my struggles and such. Well it's been 5 days and they never responded.
I did reach out on their social media page, not saying who I was and that I already emailed but they said they don't answer emails and only take applicants on when they have space and are advertising it. But I couldn't find that anywhere on their site and I just feel uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed now that I wrote out a long email explaining my situation just for it to be ignored.
I guess I expected better from a service that revolves around autism and interacting with autistic people. The reason I want a guide dog is I can't leave my house alone for a lot of reasons and it would have just been nice to be acknowledged or given the same response I got from their social media team on Instagram in response to my email, not just ignore it. 😔

Reddit Account: u/Thenn_Applicant
Discord Tag: Garin
Name and House: Dorian Merryweather
Age: 49
Cultural Group: Reachman
Appearance: Dorian's chestnut brown hair has been greying for quite a while, however is short beard retains more color, including a few stray red hairs peppered throughout it. While his features have softened and gained some pudge as he aged past his prime, he remains in overall good shape. This is partly due to his great love of gardening and crop cultivation, which have left his hands and nails rather rough.
Trait: Numerate
Skills: Avaricious (e), Architect, Administrator, Investor
Talents: Language (High Valyrian) Cooking, Gardening
Negative Trait: N/A
Starting Title: Lord of Longtable
Starting Location: Opening Event
Biography:
It has been said; men grow tired of sleep, love, singing and dancing, sooner than war. As such, it begs the question, what does a man have left when he finally tires of war? In pursuit of an answer, of any answer, one half of Dorian Merryweather’s life was spent. He was the second son of Lord Arthor Merryweather of Longtable. Like many others born in a place of natural abundance, he longed for more, for something greater than a mere provincial estate. The tourneys of Highgarden, the hunts of Horn Hill and the books of Oldtown all called to him, and so he could never ride past his father’s mild and verdant fields fast enough. Dorian counted himself lucky not to be the heir, for that meant he could pick where his future lay, unchained from the uninspiring home of his childhood. Instead it was his older brother, Bennard, who envied his free-flying lifestyle, contriving any excuse to join him on his escapades and agurk lessons and ceremonies he ought to have attended.
Lord Arthor was fairly permissive of this deriliction of duties, as the friendships forced on such journeys were worth more than lessons that could be repeated later, or tasks that could be handed off to lowborn stewards. The boys attended tourneys, balls, hunts and feasts, living the life the bards extolled as the height of reachman’s chivalry. The one time they did not shirk their duties was when their father had the honor of hosting King Mern and his court for a tourney on the Warrior’s day. The Merryweather sons would present the king and his family with silver bowls of dilligrout, a most exquisite stew of capons, white wine and almond milk. They had the joy of tasting it once the Gardeners had their fill, a taste they would never forget. On the tournament field three days later, Mern knighted them both, though Dorian was only sixteen at the time, green as a knight could ever be.
Five years later, as news of Aegon Targaryen and his early conquests spread, the lords of the Reach were summoned to Goldengrove, where they found a veritable forest of Westermen’s banners being planted beside their own. The fall of the Storm Kings had led to a whirlwind of diplomacy between the houses of Gardener and Lannister. The plan was presented to the lords with the two kings sitting beside one another on the dais as though they were brothers. They held up Aegon’s letter of demands, scornfully reading it aloud and then proceeded to tear it up to a roaring acclamation from the hall. Standing there before the hall, Mern could hardly be called the Warrior incarnate. There stood a man well past his prime, old enough to be a grandfather and with no great victories to his name, in battle or on the tourney field. All the same, this man, whom they called their king, always seemed to know exactly what to say to win someone over. If he’d declared war on hell itself that evening, the Merryweather brothers would probably still have marched off with him when the next morning dawned. Bennard and Dorian shouted as loud as anyone, death to the foreign upstart. That evening were betrothed to westerwomen they’d never met before, made plans for a real battle, which they had never fought in before, and drank, ate and sang as though the night would last forever. House Merryweather was not able to secure a command, yet King Mern remembered his stay at Longtable fondly. He gave Bennard and Dorian a place in the vanguard, and even adorned Bennard with a brooch of the order of the green hand the morning before the army Goldengrove, a momentous honor which Bennard would cherish for the remainder of his days. He did not have many left, as it turned out. The Field of Fire began like a dream, as the two brothers rode off at the break of dawn, two out of five thousand sets of gleaming armor atop proud warhorses. By the end of the day it had become a nightmare. Caught up in the maelstrom of battle, Dorian did not see the moment when their loss was assured, but the Gods know he could hear it, the creeping, hungry flames that descended on the reachmen like an army of its own. As hundreds were broiled inside their steel plate and thousands more choked on the inferno’s horrible vanguard of black smoke, Bennard and Dorian broke and fled. They were not far behind the retreating Loren Lannister in their escape, but half a minute made all the difference. The lines of fire fanned out, hunting more living things to devour, and engulfed the two brothers. Dorian could feel how the flames spread from his surcoat to his undershirt, all the way down to the hairs on his chest, beginning to sear his skin. In a desperate act he threw himself in the Blackwater, and would have perished if not for the shoddy work of his squire that morning, which left him able to tear off his plate before he could sink. With bloodied, burn-marked fingers, he clung to the roots of a tree by the riverside, water up to his chest. He was retrieved after some time, how long he could not say. For the next two moons his mind was adrift, distracted from his pains by milk of the poppy. The next two were far worse, as he grew more lucid and realized the extent of the damage. A burn-mark stretched from his right thigh, all the way up his chest and left bicep to the apple of his neck. Many times over, flakes of dead or dying skin had to be peeled off by the maester as the scabs kept bursting with blood and clear liquid. By the end of that year he was able to walk again, though the burn mark would leave a feverish red mark across the front of his body, his new skin settling into twisted lines.
Bennard was far worse for wear, alive yet burned all the way to his face and crippled from a fall off his horse. His nose and ear-lobes had to be cut off, too burned to save, and even his eyelids were permanently scarred, unable to sprout new lashes. The more lucid Bennard became, the deeper his sorrow. Eventually he began refusing food. The new lord of Longtable would not eat anything his cooks set in front of him. In spite of his ever present pains, Dorian began going to the kitchens, reprimanding the cooks for their failings. He knew his brother well and knew his palette, and began ordering them to make his brother’s favorites. When he felt they were making mistakes, he interrupted their work himself. He was a stranger to the kitchen, yet would criticize how things were cut too roughly, spiced too little or too much. He was a terror to the cooks, yet they could not refuse him.
His attempts to intervene were however hampered by a newfound aversion to heat. The sound of the hearth, of boiling and searing, the general sense of warmth around him made him nauseous and caused his movements to seize up. Still, he went to his brother’s bedside every day, and afterwards he forced himself back to the kitchens. His sister, Lydia, tried to stop him at first, but soon found her protes fell on deaf ears, and so joined him, if only to leash him in when he went too far. Finally, there was only one dish they hadn’t tried; the dilligrout they’d once served to the late King Mern. Every time it was made, it came out wrong. It soon turned out the cook who had served them that evening six years ago had since retired, and his exact method had never been recorded or taught to anyone else. Dorian would first invite the man to Longtable, then summon him with armed knights when invitations were refused.
Theomar, the man who appeared before him, was a sorry sight, looking frightened and confused as he was taken to his old workplace. It was explained by his sons that he’d been growing senile even six years ago, often snapping at the kitchen maids under him when his memory failed him. Since then he’d gotten worse, seldom eating, let alone cooking. Something in the old man’s eyes did seem to brighten for a moment when the sounds and smells of his old kitchen surrounded him, and Dorian ordered him to make dilligrout. Before long that faint spark had been drowned out by tears. He would start boiling capon or crushing almonds, only to leave the job half-done whenever he had to fetch something new. Serving maids were put at his disposal to bring him ingredients, yet an ingredient ordered would be met with a reprimand as he seemed to forget which dish he was making every few minutes. Finally Dorian snapped at the man, grabbing him by his collar and shouting accusations of treason against House Merryweather. By the time Lydia could restrain him and try to apologize, the man was a wreck on the floor. After watching it for a while, waiting for the man to get up and continue his work, even Dorian was overcome by pity and shame for what he’d done. The old cook was praying to the gods, begging forgiveness for his failings. Dorian began to realize he’d broken a great man down and would himself beg forgiveness. He offered the man his old cook’s quarters back for the rest of his life, and promised his sons that his maester would tend to the man in his old age, that he would be fed from Longtable’s stores.
At this point, he resolved to make the dilligrout himself. Through it all, Bennard was barely clinging to life, or rather being tethered to it by the will of others. He could only be fed when drugged down by the milk of the poppy, and the more often it was used, the less effective it became. Every day Dorian braved the kitchens, yet he could not recreate the flavor of that wonderful night. It was by the grace of the gods, perhaps with Theomar as their vessel, that Dorian would even come close. The old man could no longer cook, but over time he began to wander into the kitchens and sit down on a chair. At first Dorian thought the man only sought the warmth of the hearth for his weary bones, yet he discovered it to be more than that. Theomar’s eyes were like clouded glass, yet they brightened every now and then, hearing almonds being ground, smelling capons searing in fat, as though it was stirring the kitchenmaster of yore back to life. Eventually Dorian began to walk up to the old cook with his ingredients, bidding him to smell or taste small portions. Sometimes he got simple instructions out of it, ‘too coarse’, ‘too sour’, ‘underdone’. Som times a mere nod or frown was all Theomar managed. Over the course of a couple of days, Dorian put together one final attempt to get the dish made rightWhen he arrived in Bennard’s chamber, he was met with a look which brought forth discomfort that no flame could produce in Dorian. Plainly, raspingly, his brother asked him why he wouldn’t let him die. It was easy, Bennard reasoned. All Dorian needed to do was wait and become lord. The words almost made Dorian throw the dilligrout on the floor. Almost. He placed two bowls on Bennard’s table, the dilligrout and one brimming with milk of the poppy. Dorian told his brother to make his choice. If he sought death, Dorian would let him, but he would not hear that it was an easy thing, watching his brother die. That evening, the milk of the poppy was carried away by the maester, the empty bowl of stew taken to be washed in the kitchens. From then on, Bennard ate what his brother brought him without complaint. He lasted just into the new year, dying on its tenth day. In the predawn gloom of the twelfth, Theomar died in his sleep
Dorian took up his lordly task joylessly. His old wanderlust returned, spurred by the horrible memories that now stained Longtable and the reach itself in his mind. The final straw came when their new Tyrell overlords, insisted on him marrying a lady from a dornish house. His previous betrothal had fallen through, as the parents of his western bride had not wished to draw the ire of the Targaryens by maintaining an old alliance meant to oppose them. Instead of obliging, he boarded a ship from Oldtown going east. It stopped only briefly in Planky Town before going to Tyrosh. Noting him to be a nobleman, a few of the city’s wealthy men would host him for a while, though they quickly lost interest when his lack of knowledge of trade became apparent. After that, he spent time in the markets and squares where the common people lived. His old curiosity was piqued, and he decided to embark on a quest of learning, fashioning himself another Lomas Longstrider. He moved on to Myr, and the experience was much the same in broad strokes, a few rich men showed interest and quickly lost it. As he’d visited the dye markets he went to see the city’s famous artisans at work. One thing was notably different, he met a Tyroshi woman with green-dyed hair, going by the name Maryah. She was a trader, and the two had taken the same ship to Myr. She had been to Myr before and showed him many of its secrets. They spent an entire day in one of the vast delicacy markets so she could show him the many tastes of the city. Having no plans in advance, he asked where she was headed next.
Without a second thought he would join her on a journey to Lys. He soon understood it to be a test. It was not long before she teased him, speculating he’d only joined her for a chance to see the famous pleasure houses. Evening after evening they stayed in the city and Maryah would tease and test him over the matter. Finally he told her he’d renounce his betrothal for her, that there was no one else in his eye. She laughed, replying he would not have to. The next morning, Dorian awoke to find that she was already up, the green washed from her black curls. Maryah had in fact been Joanna Dayne, his dornish bride to be, having traveled the same route as him ever since his ship stopped at Planky Town to refill its food and water. She was already quite familiar with the three closest free cities, having served as a dornish envoy on behalf of its spice traders. As they planned their return to Westeros, Joanna asked him what else in the world he wanted to see. Within a few moons of being wed, they left Westeros, not to return for three years.The journey was what his mind needed, away from the Reach, its knights and tapestries, hunts and tourneys. Ultimately, the lords and knights of his homeland, for all their songs and poetry, lived every day in preparation for war, frivolous though the preparations were. Joanna showed him a different world, the remnants of Old Valyria. War was to be sure inescapable. Wherever they went, there were soldiers, tapestries, contests of arms, and yet the cities housed something else as well, a boundless potential for creation, commerce and growth.
Thanks to Joanna Dayne’s knowledge their stays became far better planned, and they could enjoy the hospitality of wealthy locals far longer. She knew how to talk about the spice trade and similar matters, and Dorian began to pick up on it. On their second stay in Myr, he procured a great deal of fine parchment and began taking notes, everything from negotiation tactics and the prices of cloves or red peppers to court customs, as well as more eclectic pieces of knowledge, details of running an eastern estate, descriptions of technological marvels he had never seen in Westeros, and ingredients in the local food. By the time they neared Qarth he had quite the list of recipes, among other things. There he was even able to learn a few all the way from Yi Ti, as some local cooks catered to merchants from the Golden Empire. On their journey home they’d end up taking the opportunity to see the newly made port of King’s Landing. By that time, a third member had joined their journey, their infant daughter Florys. Having left Longtable in the care of his sister and steward for three years, Dorian finally accepted the responsibility of running his ancestral home.
Longtable was considered to rule over some of the best lands in the Reach, ideally situated along the river with abundant soil which could provide two grain harvests in a year. Having seen the estates which supplied the great cities of the east, Dorian was all too aware of its comparative shortcomings. He found that the abundance of the land had a counterproductive effect, breeding complacency and carelessness. From his grandiose tour of the east, he went on a painstaking tour of his own lands, trying to get an overview of everything he ruled over. He paid the citadel a fee to send him half a dozen maesters in training for a season. These young men, literate and numerate, would serve his own maester in conducting a survey of the land, giving Dorian account of all resources at his disposal as lord. The results were quite varied.
Some peasants were found to have remarkable agricultural insights which they had no way of writing down, entirely reliant on passing the knowledge to their children. Knowing the risks of such a method of transferring knowledge, Dorian ordered such insights recorded. In other places there were farmers and communities who were unwittingly exhausting their soil. Instances of lack of fallow land, excessive grazing by cows and lack of crop rotation were also made note of, followed by edicts against such heedless practices. Septons, sheriffs and tax collectors were given written copies and were obliged to read them to the peasantry wherever it was deemed necessary. It also became part of the obligations of farmers to plant a set amount of clover in their fields and pastures, a practice some had taken up on their own but which had already become a standardized law among the estates belonging to Myr and Volantis. Irrigation was expanded and land inheritance was reformed to prevent the splitting of fields past a certain threshold.
Lord Dorian was not always successful. Some eastern ideas had been useful innovations which improved conditions across the board. In time he learned that the peculiarities of the westerosi system were sometimes necessary for the sake of stability, not merely the misshapen fruits of ignorance. His attempt to enclose part of the common lands proved abortive, as it nearly caused a peasant rebellion. A procession of aggrieved smallfolk headed for Longtable had to be dispersed by knights, armed with wooden clubs to prevent needless bloodshed.Two men were hanged and five sent to the wall, but the reform was thereafter abandoned, leading the populace to calm down. Dorian was not much of a military leader and had not wielded weapons since the Field of Fire. He became aware of his need to bolster his forces, a notion reinforced by the establishment of the Black Roses not long after his return, and again with the Kingswood Catastrophe
In the meantime, he and Joanna raised a family together. Three more daughters would be born healthy, with a couple of miscarriages and a stillbirth in between, also a daughter. Their travels did not entirely come to an end. In 13 AC they would tour the northern free cities of Norvos, Qohor, Pentos, Braavos and Lorath, which they had missed on their original journey. The lion’s share of 17 AC was spent on a journey to the Summer Islands. At other times they would make shorter journeys around the Seven Kingdoms, where they felt more secure in bringing their older children along. Whether it was visiting Joanna’s family in Dorne, tourneys and feasts in the Reach and West or even one trip to see the wall, a nameday wish by Florys, they were often on the move. Like most of their peers, they frequented Oldtown and Highgarden
The growing rift between the two queens and their children was a situation Dorian would watch with dread in his heart, remembering keenly how a generation of young men had been brought to the field of fire. To his mind, the Targaryen rule ought not go to waste. Like Valyria of old, it had begun with fire and blood, yet similarly peace and prosperity had followed in its wake. If only the dragons could stand united, perhaps another long peace like the one the Freehold once enjoyed could again be established. If not, another century of blood was upon them. Under Dorian, Longtable became a place where he sought to bring together people from across the kingdoms and forge unity over the dinner table, an attitude which somewhat vexed and confounded his more militaristic daughter and heiress, Lady Florys. Even amid her questioning of the viability of his peaceful ways when surrounded by those who would make war, a terrible sight would steel his resolve, watching the Mander burning green, every bit as terrible as the flames from twenty one years prior. That night he made a simple vow, never again.
The League of the Cornucopia, he would name his little group, a gallery of lords and ladies whose acquaintances he’d made over the years. With these fellow gourmets he would share the culinary knowledge he’d gleaned from his journeys in the east and west. Most unusual for a lord of his rank, Dorian came to spend a great deal of time in his kitchens, testing out recipes himself. On occasion, the dishes he served to his guests for these small, intimate gatherings would be the work of his own hands. The membership did vary from time to time, both based on who could make it and who he sought to bring together. Rather than a fully closed circle, the League is more like a form of feasting, only it’s done for a much smaller crowd, without the public spectacle. Such occasions allowed for more refined foods which did not need to be served to hundreds and kept constantly warm over the course of hours like some common tavern stew. It also opened up an arena of more intimate diplomacy and negotiation for those who sought it, hosted on neutral ground by a lordly mediator, free from prying eyes.
Timeline:
25BC: Dorian is born, second in line to Longtable
24BC: His sister Lydia is born
9BC: House Merryweather hosts House Gardener for a tourney and feast. Dorian and his older brother Bennard serve the dish of honor to King Mern Gardener and his family. During the subsequent tourney, Mern knights both boys, despite their inexperience and lack of victory in the tourney
9BC-2BC: Dorian spends much time travelling the reach, attending events
1BC: Dorian and Bennard fight in the vanguard at the Field of Fire. Both are burned, Bennard far more severely than Dorian. Lord Merryweather is killed. Traumatized by the battle and his new maimed body, Bennard starts refusing food. Dorian desperately tries to re-create the dish they served King Mern eight years ago. The cook who made it has since gone senile, but eventually manages to help Dorian re-create it. He is given a place at court as apology for his mistreatment at Dorian's hands before this occurred.
1AC: Lord Bennard dies at the beginning of the year, leaving Dorian as lord of Longtable. His sister Lydia fulfills her betrothal to House Tarly, becoming lady of Horn Hill. At the prospect of marrying a Dornishwoman on the King's orders, Dorian decides to leave Westeros to put off his marriage. In Myr, he meets a woman calling herself Maryah, claiming to be a Tyroshi merchant. They fall in love and travel to Lys together. There Dorian promises to set aside his betrothal for her, whereupon she reveals herself as Joanna Dayne, his dornish betrothed.
1AC-4AC: Dorian and Joanna wed at Longtable, then depart on a new journey of the east. They reach as far as Qarth before turning back home. In 3AC, on the way back, their first child, Florys, is born while the couple are in Volantis, on the way home. They return via the newly built port of King's Landing.
4AC-8AC: Using knowledge from the east, Lord Dorian embarks on a project of rationalizing the agriculture of Longtable
5AC: Dorian and Joanna have their second child, a girl named Ellyn
8AC: Their third daughter, Desmera, is born
13AC: Dorian and Joanna spend a year travelling the northern free cities
14AC: Their fourth and final daughter, Gwin, is born
17AC: Dorian and Joanna undertake a journey to the Summer Islands with their children
23AC: The aftermath of the battle of Stonebridge brings back memories of the Field of Fire, as the Merryweathers watch burning slag run down the Mander
25AC: The Merryweathers travel to the celebration of the maturity of Aegon's sons
Family Tree:
Arthor Merryweather (father, d.1BC)
Cerelle Merryweather (pending family connection) (mother, d.20AC)
Bennard Merryweather (brother, d.1AC)
Lydia Merryweather (sister, b.24BC)
Glendon Merryweather (uncle, d.1BC)
Myrcella Pommingham (aunt, d.22AC)
Leo Merryweather (cousin, b.13AC)
Joanna Dayne (wife, b.26AC)
Florys Merryweather (daughter, b.3AC)
Ellyn Merryweather (daughter, b.5AC)
Desmera Merryweather (daughter, b.8AC)
Gwin Merryweather (daughter, b.13AC)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Auxiliary Character:
Name and House: Florys Merryweather
Age: 23
Cultural Group: Reachman
Appearance: [A short, muscular woman with wavy black hair, normally worn in a bun. She has high cheekbones and a proud demeanor. Her rigid strength stands in contrast to the more relaxed nature of the Merryweather court, one she finds overly lax and casual](0_0.png (896×1344) (discordapp.com))
Trait: Hale
Skills: Swords (e), Essosi Blademaster
Talents: Dancing, Fishing, Cooking
Negative Traits: N/A
Starting Title: Heir to Longtable
Starting Location: Opening Event
Timeline:
3AC: Florys is born in Volantis, while her parents are on their way home from Essos
10AC: Florys starts training under Saathos Trevelyan, her father's Master at Arms
13 AC: She joins her parents on a tour of Pentos, Braavos, Norvos and Qohor
17AC: She travels with her parents to the Summer Islands
19AC-23AC: As she comes of age, Florys becomes more critical of her father's desire for peace, viewing it as increasingly far-fetched amid the increasingly controversial regency and the impending succession dispute. She resolves to make the kinds of connections her father seems unwilling to, in case of war
25AC: She accompanies her family to the celebrations
NPCS:
Ser Leo Merryweather (Age: 37, Archetype: Magnate) Lord Merryweather's first cousin, he has become an indispensable agent in the daily running of Longtable. Despite his foppish demeanor and aparent laziness, he is highly capable and loyal in his task of increasing his family's fortune. He remains happily unwed
Saathos Tevelyan: (Age:48, Archetype: Master at Arms) The son of a Lysene father and a Myrish mother, Saathos initially sought a career in amongst Myr's military officers, however his family's relatively low status proved an impediment to further promotion, later compounded by a dispute with a superior. He met Lord Merryweather in 3AC and eventually travelled West to offer his services five years later, finding his career progress stonewalled in his home city. Well into middle age, he still looks firm and imposing as profesisonal a soldier ought to

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