Number 100:

1.Balanced Exploration: Signifies exploration, adaptability, and seeking equilibrium.The Knight of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing reliability, diligence, and practicality. 2. The Page of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card embodying creativity, intuitive exploration, and emotional sensitivity. 3. Creative Intuition: Reflects artistic expression, intuitive exploration, and creative potential. 4. Emotional Curiosity: Symbolizes curiosity, emotional depth, and imaginative creativity. 5. Exploring New Emotions: Embodies emotional exploration, creative inspiration, and sensitivity.

Number 90:

1. Balanced Vision: Signifies a well-rounded vision, completeness, and achieving balance.
2. The Knight of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing assertive action, determination, and swift movements.
3. Swift Action: Reflects decisive action, determination, and assertive behavior.
4. Assertive Communication: Symbolizes clear communication, directness, and swift decision-making.
5. Active Pursuit: Embodies quick thinking, adaptability, and focused determination.

Number 91:

1. Harmonious Growth: Signifies growth, expansion, and creating a harmonious environment.
2. The Queen of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card symbolizing clear communication, independence, and intellectual maturity.
3. Intellectual Clarity: Reflects clear thinking, independence, and intellectual maturity.
4. Balanced Judgment: Symbolizes fairness, intellectual maturity, and clear-sightedness.
5. Assertive Authority: Embodies clear communication, intellectual strength, and assertive guidance.

Number 92:

1. Stable Leadership: Signifies stable leadership, practicality, and vision.
2. The King of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card representing visionary leadership, boldness, and entrepreneurial spirit.
3. Visionary Leadership: Reflects influential leadership, boldness, and entrepreneurship.
4. Creative Authority: Symbolizes innovative thinking, leadership in creative ventures, and a visionary approach.
5. Entrepreneurial Spirit: Embodies pioneering mindset, leadership skills, and a visionary outlook.

Number 93:

1. Transformational Change: Signifies radical changes, growth, and dynamic shifts.
2. The Five of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing financial hardship, isolation, and seeking help.
3. Overcoming Adversity: Reflects challenging times, seeking assistance, and perseverance.
4. Recovery from Struggles: Symbolizes resilience, seeking support, and rebuilding after hardships.
5. Adapting to Change: Embodies resilience, overcoming difficulties, and seeking stability.

Number 94:

1. Adaptive Partnerships: Signifies adaptable relationships, cooperation, and flexibility.
2. The Six of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying transition, moving on, and mental healing.
3. Moving Forward: Reflects transitions, leaving behind difficulties, and seeking peace.
4. Mental Healing: Symbolizes mental clarity, emotional peace, and healing from past issues.
5. Transition to Stability: Embodies moving towards peace, seeking resolutions, and finding tranquility.

Number 95:

1. Intuitive Exploration: Signifies intuitive insights, exploration, and heightened awareness.
2. The Seven of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card representing challenges, standing firm, and defending beliefs.
3. Defending Beliefs: Reflects standing your ground, overcoming challenges, and defending principles.
4. Courageous Stand: Symbolizes resilience, determination, and facing opposition with courage.
5. Spiritual Fortitude: Embodies inner strength, resilience, and defending spiritual values.

Number 96:

1. Balanced Adaptation: Signifies adaptability, harmony, and maintaining balance amid change.
2. The Eight of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing dedication, skill-building, and craftsmanship.
3. Dedicated Efforts: Reflects focused work, dedication, and skill enhancement.
4. Skill Development: Symbolizes honing talents, focused learning, and mastering skills.
5. Steady Progress: Embodies consistent effort, skill improvement, and dedicated craftsmanship.

Number 97:

1. Spiritual Exploration: Signifies spiritual growth, exploration, and inner enlightenment.
2. The Nine of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying anxiety, worry, and mental distress.
3. Overcoming Anxiety: Reflects inner turmoil, worry, and seeking peace of mind.
4. Mental Relief: Symbolizes seeking calmness, alleviating worries, and finding mental solace.
5. Inner Healing: Embodies emotional stability, mental peace, and healing from distress.

Number 98:

1. Resourceful Solutions: Signifies resourceful approaches, adaptability, and innovative strategies.
2. The Ten of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing emotional fulfillment, harmony, and family bliss.
3. Harmonious Bonds: Reflects joyous connections, family happiness, and emotional satisfaction.
4. Emotional Fulfillment: Symbolizes contentment, happiness, and a sense of completion.
5. Family Harmony: Embodies familial joy, emotional satisfaction, and harmonious relationships.

Number 99:

1. Innovative Vision: Signifies visionary ideas, creativity, and seeking higher understanding.
2. The Page of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying intellect, curiosity, and new perspectives.
3. Intellectual Curiosity: Reflects seeking knowledge, new ideas, and intellectual exploration.
4. Energetic Communication: Symbolizes clear thinking, direct communication, and new concepts.
5. Exploring New Horizons: Embodies curiosity, embracing new perspectives, and intellectual ventures.

Number 100:

1. Balanced Exploration: Signifies exploration, adaptability, and seeking equilibrium.
2. The Knight of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing reliability, diligence, and practicality.
3. Steadfast Commitment: Reflects dedication, reliability, and unwavering commitment.
4. Practical Adaptation: Symbolizes adjusting plans, steady progress, and reliability in change.
5. Consistent Progress: Embodies steady growth, adaptable strategies, and reliability in endeavors.

Number 101:

1. Creative Harmony: Signifies creative expression, harmony, and a balanced creative approach.
2. The Queen of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card symbolizing charisma, confidence, and creativity.
3. Creative Confidence: Reflects self-assuredness, creative flair, and passionate expression.
4. Charismatic Leadership: Symbolizes influential leadership, boldness, and creativity in leadership.
5. Inspired Expression: Embodies passionate creativity, confidence, and influential charisma.

Number 102:

1. Stable Independence: Signifies independence, stability, and self-reliance.
2. The King of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing emotional maturity, compassion, and leadership.
3. Emotional Stability: Reflects balanced emotions, leadership in emotions, and compassionate authority.
4. Compassionate Leadership: Symbolizes emotional intelligence, balanced leadership, and stable emotions.
5. Steady Guidance: Embodies calm authority, emotional stability, and compassionate leadership.

Number 103:

1. Resourceful Expansion: Signifies expansion, resourcefulness, and growth opportunities.
2. The Ace of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card embodying new opportunities, prosperity, and materialization of goals.
3. Material Opportunities: Reflects new beginnings, potential wealth, and fertile ground for growth.
4. Prosperous Ventures: Symbolizes abundance, materializing ideas, and fruitful beginnings.
5. Potential Manifestation: Embodies the potential for success, materialization of goals, and fertile opportunities.

Number 104:

1. Harmonious Creativity: Signifies creative collaborations, balance, and artistic endeavors.
2. The Two of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing partnerships, mutual respect, and emotional connections.
3. Harmonious Bonds: Reflects emotional connections, partnerships, and mutual understanding.
4. Collaborative Unity: Symbolizes cooperation, emotional balance, and harmonious relationships.
5. Balanced Partnership: Embodies mutual respect, emotional harmony, and cooperative endeavors.

Number 105:

1. Intuitive Exploration: Signifies intuitive insights, exploration, and heightened awareness.
2. The Three of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card embodying foresight, expansion, and seeking new horizons.
3. Seeking Opportunities: Reflects anticipating growth, expansion, and seeking new possibilities.
4. Expansive Vision: Symbolizes forward-thinking, seeking prospects, and planning for growth.
5. Foresightful Ventures: Embodies anticipation, seeking new paths, and visionary exploration.

Number 106:

1. Balanced Stability: Signifies stability, discipline, and building a solid base.
2. The Four of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing apathy, dissatisfaction, and contemplation.
3. Contemplation and Discontent: Reflects introspection, discontentment, and contemplating choices.
4. Seeking Satisfaction: Symbolizes a search for fulfillment, exploring options, and inner reflection.
5. Emotional Reevaluation: Embodies reconsideration, emotional introspection, and seeking contentment.

Number 107:

1. Innovative Communication: Signifies innovative ideas, creativity, and expressing original concepts.
2. The Five of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying conflict, tension, and winning at a cost.
3. Conflict and Resolution: Reflects confrontations, ego clashes, and resolving disputes.
4. Learning from Conflict: Symbolizes understanding losses, valuing lessons, and seeking resolution.
5. Resolving Disagreements: Embodies conflict resolution, compromise, and learning from adversity.

Number 108:

1. Stable Foundation: Signifies stability, security, and a solid foundation.
2. The Six of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing nostalgia, childhood memories, and innocence.
3. Nostalgic Reminiscence: Reflects fond memories, innocence, and reconnecting with the past.
4. Emotional Connection: Symbolizes deep emotional bonds, nostalgic experiences, and innocence.
5. Past Reflections: Embodies reminiscing, innocence, and reconnecting with cherished memories.

Number 109:

1. Innovative Ideas: Signifies fresh perspectives, original concepts, and inventive thinking.
2. The Seven of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing deception, manipulation, and evasion.
3. Deception and Secrecy: Reflects hidden motives, evading truth, and misleading actions.
4. Seeking Clarity: Symbolizes uncovering deceit, honesty, and seeking truth.
5. Honesty and Transparency: Embodies truthfulness, sincerity, and open communication.

Number 110:

1. Harmonious Stability: Signifies stability, balance, and creating a harmonious environment.
2. The Eight of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing restriction, feeling trapped, and limited options.
3. Overcoming Limitations: Reflects feeling constrained, seeking freedom, and finding solutions.
4. Mental Liberation: Symbolizes breaking free from restrictions, seeking alternatives, and mental clarity.
5. Freedom from Restraints: Embodies seeking liberation, overcoming limitations, and finding solutions.

Number 111:

1. Enlightened Guidance: Signifies spiritual wisdom, intuitive insight, and divine guidance.
2. The Nine of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card embodying resilience, endurance, and standing firm.
3. Resilient Persistence: Reflects unwavering determination, resilience, and courage.
4. Strength through Challenges: Symbolizes overcoming adversity, standing tall, and resilience in difficulties.
5. Courageous Resilience: Embodies resilience, persistence, and fortitude in adversity.

Number 112:

1. Balanced Stability: Signifies stability, structure, and balance in all aspects.
2. The Ten of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing painful endings, betrayal, and rock bottom.
3. Closure and Renewal: Reflects closure of cycles, painful endings, and readiness for new beginnings.
4. Embracing Change: Symbolizes transformation, releasing pain, and seeking renewal.
5. Transition to Healing: Embodies letting go, embracing change, and healing from pain.

Number 113:

1. Innovative Inspiration: Signifies creative inspiration, intellectual ideas, and forward-thinking.
2. The Page of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card embodying new opportunities, practicality, and studiousness.
3. Exploring Opportunities: Reflects new ventures, practical pursuits, and embracing opportunities.
4. Practical Ventures: Symbolizes grounded approaches, new prospects, and exploring possibilities.
5. Curiosity and Learning: Embodies curiosity, embracing knowledge, and seeking practical paths.

Number 114:

1. Adaptive Progress: Signifies adaptability, progress, and flexibility in approach.
2. The Knight of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing romantic idealism, creative pursuits, and following dreams.
3. Dreamy Pursuits: Reflects emotional depth, pursuing dreams, and romantic aspirations.
4. Creative Aspirations: Symbolizes creative endeavors, emotional expression, and passionate pursuits.
5. Sentimental Pursuits: Embodies emotional expression, dream chasing, and romantic ideals.

Number 115:

1. Visionary Exploration: Signifies visionary ideas, spiritual quests, and explorative insights.
2. The Queen of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card symbolizing emotional intelligence, compassion, and nurturing stability.
3. Nurturing Empathy: Reflects compassionate care, emotional intelligence, and nurturing support.
4. Intuitive Guidance: Symbolizes heightened intuition, emotional wisdom, and empathetic connections.
5. Emotional Wisdom: Embodies empathy, emotional insight, and nurturing compassion.

Number 116:

1. Stable Authority: Signifies stable leadership, practical wisdom, and authoritative stability.
2. The King of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing material success, prosperity, and financial security.
3. Financial Stability: Reflects material success, practical wisdom, and financial security.
4. Reliable Leadership: Symbolizes grounded leadership, prosperity, and practical stability.
5. Steadfast Authority: Embodies stability, financial security, and leadership strength.

Number 117:

1. Innovative Knowledge: Signifies unconventional wisdom, unique insights, and visionary intellect.
2. The Ace of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying clarity, truth, and new perspectives.
3. Clarity and Truth: Reflects mental clarity, truth-seeking, and a new viewpoint.
4. Mental Prowess: Symbolizes intellectual strength, clear thinking, and seeking truth.
5. New Beginnings: Embodies fresh starts, mental clarity, and the pursuit of truth.

Number 118:

1. Structural Stability: Signifies stability, organization, and a structured approach.
2. The Two of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing indecision, stalemate, and weighing options.
3. Decision-Making Dilemma: Reflects mental conflict, decisions, and weighing choices.
4. Balancing Choices: Symbolizes a need for resolution, balanced decisions, and seeking clarity.
5. Mental Crossroads: Embodies decision-making, seeking clarity, and resolving conflicts.

Number 119:

1. Balanced Partnerships: Signifies balanced relationships, cooperation, and mutual understanding.
2. The Three of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card embodying celebration, friendship, and joyful gatherings.
3. Harmonious Celebrations: Reflects joyful occasions, friendships, and harmonious connections.
4. Friendship and Unity: Symbolizes social bonds, celebration, and mutual happiness.
5. Joyous Relationships: Embodies happy connections, celebrations, and mutual appreciation.

Number 120:

1. Innovative Communication: Signifies innovative ideas, creativity, and expressing original concepts.
2. The Four of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing rest, recuperation, and a period of contemplation.
3. Mental Rejuvenation: Reflects recuperation, resting the mind, and seeking mental peace.
4. Contemplative Rest: Symbolizes introspection, mental tranquility, and taking a break.
5. Peaceful Pause: Embodies mental rejuvenation, quiet reflection, and inner calm.

These interpretations offer insight into various aspects of life and situations, aiming to provide diverse perspectives and potential meanings for each card.

Number 80:

1. Structural Stability: Signifies stability, discipline, and a solid foundation in endeavors.
2. The Two of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing indecision, stalemate, and weighing options.
3. Decision-Making Dilemma: Reflects mental conflict, decisions, and weighing choices.
4. Balancing Choices: Symbolizes a need for resolution, balanced decisions, and seeking clarity.
5. Mental Crossroads: Embodies decision-making, seeking clarity, and resolving conflicts.

Number 81:

1. Balanced Partnerships: Signifies balanced relationships, cooperation, and mutual understanding.
2. The Three of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card embodying celebration, friendship, and joyful gatherings.
3. Harmonious Celebrations: Reflects joyful occasions, friendships, and harmonious connections.
4. Friendship and Unity: Symbolizes social bonds, celebration, and mutual happiness.
5. Joyous Relationships: Embodies happy connections, celebrations, and mutual appreciation.

Number 82:

1. Innovative Communication: Signifies innovative ideas, creativity, and expressing original concepts.
2. The Four of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing rest, recuperation, and a period of contemplation.
3. Mental Rejuvenation: Reflects recuperation, resting the mind, and seeking mental peace.
4. Contemplative Rest: Symbolizes introspection, mental tranquility, and taking a break.
5. Peaceful Pause: Embodies mental rejuvenation, quiet reflection, and inner calm.

Number 83:

1. Resourceful Exploration: Signifies exploration, adaptability, and resourcefulness.
2. The Five of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card embodying loss, regret, and emotional turmoil.
3. Emotional Loss: Reflects sorrow, disappointment, and emotional upheaval.
4. Seeking Resolution: Symbolizes moving past grief, seeking closure, and emotional recovery.
5. Emotional Healing: Embodies recovering from loss, seeking solace, and emotional stability.

Number 84:

1. Balanced Stability: Signifies stability, structure, and balance in all aspects.
2. The Six of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card representing victory, recognition, and public success.
3. Triumphant Achievement: Reflects public recognition, success, and victorious moments.
4. Accomplishment: Symbolizes recognition for efforts, achieving success, and celebration.
5. Victorious Confidence: Embodies recognition, success, and confidence in achievements.

Number 85:

1. Innovative Collaboration: Signifies creative collaboration, teamwork, and innovative ventures.
2. The Seven of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing choices, fantasies, and confusion.
3. Multiple Choices: Reflects diverse options, dreams, and potential illusions.
4. Clarity through Choice: Symbolizes making decisions, clarity amidst confusion, and focusing on realistic goals.
5. Imagination and Decision: Embodies imaginative thinking, exploring options, and making informed decisions.

Number 86:

1. Harmonious Growth: Signifies growth, expansion, and creating a harmonious environment.
2. The Eight of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing moving on, seeking deeper meaning, and emotional exploration.
3. Seeking Fulfillment: Reflects emotional exploration, pursuing a deeper purpose, and walking away from what no longer serves.
4. Emotional Quest: Symbolizes seeking deeper meaning, exploring emotions, and spiritual growth.
5. Journey for Enlightenment: Embodies exploring deeper truths, emotional fulfillment, and spiritual quests.

Number 87:

1. Spiritual Progress: Signifies spiritual growth, intuitive insights, and inner enlightenment.
2. The Nine of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card embodying emotional fulfillment, contentment, and joyous satisfaction.
3. Emotional Fulfillment: Reflects contentment, emotional satisfaction, and joyous celebrations.
4. Happy Relationships: Symbolizes harmonious connections, emotional joy, and satisfaction in relationships.
5. Joyous Contentment: Embodies emotional fulfillment, happiness, and contentedness.

Number 88:

1. Stable Authority: Signifies stable leadership, practical wisdom, and authoritative stability.
2. The Ten of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card representing burdens, responsibilities, and feeling overwhelmed.
3. Overcoming Burdens: Reflects taking on too much, feeling overwhelmed, and seeking support.
4. Release of Responsibilities: Symbolizes delegating tasks, seeking assistance, and lightening the load.
5. Seeking Balance: Embodies finding balance, seeking help, and overcoming challenges.

Okay, so this might be rambling, but here goes. I'm 37, late diagnosed ADHD, with suspicions of other comorbidities. I've been taking a combination of Bupropion (currently 450 mg a day) and Sertraline (200 mg a day) for almost 2 years now. It helps for the most part, and I have low dose Xanax for the hardest days.
I've had slight dizzy spells for as long as I can remember, but in the past few years(starting before they added the Bupropion and upped the Sertraline) I've been getting dizzy/lightheaded, pre-syncope, and collapsing. Not fully passing out, just collapsing, for the most part. I have had 2 instances where I lost consciousness, but as I was alone when they occurred, nothing doctors can substantiate.
Most recently I've noted at least according to my smart watch, that my heart rate drops during these episodes. My hands get this odd tingle sensation right before/as it happens, and it drops into the low 50s- high 40s. I go to the doctor regularly, have had blood tests done, an ECG, and a CT scan and all come back negative/clean.
I'm currently wearing a heart monitor for 2 weeks, almost at the end of that period and had an EKG, which I still don't know the results of.
All that said, has anyone else experienced this sort of thing as a long term side effect of these drugs? I know the higher the dose of Sertraline the closer to the seizure threshold, could this be part of that? My doctors know about all my meds, so if it's a reaction, they'd know and change the combination, I'd think? If anybody has had similar experiences or can shed light on anything, I'd really appreciate it!

MS-ISAC CYBERSECURITY ADVISORY
MS-ISAC ADVISORY NUMBER: 2024-051
DATE(S) ISSUED: 05/13/2024
SUBJECT: Multiple Vulnerabilities in Apple Products Could Allow for Arbitrary Code Execution
OVERVIEW: Multiple vulnerabilities have been discovered in Apple products, the most severe of which could allow for arbitrary code execution. Successful exploitation of the most severe of these vulnerabilities could allow for arbitrary code execution in the context of the logged on user. Depending on the privileges associated with the user, an attacker could then install programs; view, change, or delete data; or create new accounts with full user rights. Users whose accounts are configured to have fewer user rights on the system could be less impacted than those who operate with administrative user rights.
THREAT INTELLEGENCE: Apple is aware of a report that CVE-2024-23296 may have been exploited in the wild.
SYSTEMS AFFECTED:

• Versions prior to macOS Sonoma 14.5
• Versions prior to macOS Ventura 13.6.7
• Versions prior to macOS Monterey 12.7.5
• Versions prior to watchOS 10.5
• Versions prior to tvOS 17.5
• Versions prior to iOS 16.7.8 and iPadOS 16.7.8
• Versions prior to iOS 17.5 and iPadOS 17.5

RISK: Government:

• Large and medium government entities: High
• Small government entities: Medium

Businesses:

• Large and medium business entities: High
• Small business entities: Medium

Home users: Low
TECHNICAL SUMMARY: Multiple vulnerabilities have been discovered in Apple products, the most severe of which could allow for arbitrary code execution. Details of the vulnerabilities are as follows:
Tactic: Execution (TA0002):
Technique: Exploitation for Client Execution (T1203):

• Processing a file may lead to unexpected app termination or arbitrary code execution (CVE-2024-27829)
• An attacker may be able to cause unexpected app termination or arbitrary code execution (CVE-2024-27818)
• An app may be able to execute arbitrary code with kernel privileges (CVE-2024-27804, CVE-2024-27842)
• An attacker with arbitrary kernel read and write capability may be able to bypass kernel memory protections. Apple is aware of a report that this issue may have been exploited. (CVE-2024-23296)
• An attacker may be able to elevate privileges (CVE-2024-27796, CVE-2024-27798)
• An attacker may be able to access user data (CVE-2024-27816)

Additional lower severity vulnerabilities include:

• An attacker with knowledge of a standard user's credentials can unlock another standard user's locked screen on the same Mac (CVE-2023-42861)
• An app may be able to access protected user data (CVE-2023-42893)
• A malicious application may be able to access Find My data (CVE-2024-23229)
• An app may be able to read arbitrary files (CVE-2024-23236)
• An app may be able to access user-sensitive data (CVE-2024-27789)
• An app may be able to elevate privileges (CVE-2024-27824, CVE-2024-27843)
• An app may be able to read sensitive location information (CVE-2024-27810)
• An app may be able to execute arbitrary code out of its sandbox or with certain elevated privileges (CVE-2024-27813)
• A shortcut may output sensitive user data without consent (CVE-2024-27821)
• An app may be able to gain root privileges (CVE-2024-27822)
• An app may be able to bypass certain Privacy preferences (CVE-2024-27825, CVE-2024-27847)
• An app may be able to read arbitrary files (CVE-2024-27827)
• An attacker with arbitrary read and write capability may be able to bypass Pointer Authentication (CVE-2024-27834)
• An attacker with physical access to an iOS device may be able to access notes from the lock screen (CVE-2024-27835)
• A local attacker may gain access to Keychain items (CVE-2024-27837)
• A malicious application may be able to determine a user's current location (CVE-2024-27839)
• An app may be able to disclose kernel memory (CVE-2024-27841)
• A maliciously crafted webpage may be able to distribute a script that tracks users on other webpages (CVE-2024-27852)

Successful exploitation of the most severe of these vulnerabilities could allow for arbitrary code execution in the context of the logged on user. Depending on the privileges associated with the user, an attacker could then install programs; view, change, or delete data; or create new accounts with full user rights. Users whose accounts are configured to have fewer user rights on the system could be less impacted than those who operate with administrative user rights.
RECOMMENDATIONS: We recommend the following actions be taken:

• Apply the stable channel update provided by Apple to vulnerable systems immediately after appropriate testing. (M1051: Update Software)
  • Safeguard 7.1 : Establish and Maintain a Vulnerability Management Process: Establish and maintain a documented vulnerability management process for enterprise assets. Review and update documentation annually, or when significant enterprise changes occur that could impact this Safeguard.
  • Safeguard 7.2 : Establish and Maintain a Remediation Process: Establish and maintain a risk-based remediation strategy documented in a remediation process, with monthly, or more frequent, reviews.
  • Safeguard 7.6 : Perform Automated Vulnerability Scans of Externally-Exposed Enterprise Assets: Perform automated vulnerability scans of externally-exposed enterprise assets using a SCAP-compliant vulnerability scanning tool. Perform scans on a monthly, or more frequent, basis.
  • Safeguard 7.7 : Remediate Detected Vulnerabilities: Remediate detected vulnerabilities in software through processes and tooling on a monthly, or more frequent, basis, based on the remediation process.
  • Safeguard 16.13 Conduct Application Penetration Testing: Conduct application penetration testing. For critical applications, authenticated penetration testing is better suited to finding business logic vulnerabilities than code scanning and automated security testing. Penetration testing relies on the skill of the tester to manually manipulate an application as an authenticated and unauthenticated user.
  • Safeguard 18.1 : Establish and Maintain a Penetration Testing Program: Establish and maintain a penetration testing program appropriate to the size, complexity, and maturity of the enterprise. Penetration testing program characteristics include scope, such as network, web application, Application Programming Interface (API), hosted services, and physical premise controls; frequency; limitations, such as acceptable hours, and excluded attack types; point of contact information; remediation, such as how findings will be routed internally; and retrospective requirements.
  • Safeguard 18.2 : Perform Periodic External Penetration Tests: Perform periodic external penetration tests based on program requirements, no less than annually. External penetration testing must include enterprise and environmental reconnaissance to detect exploitable information. Penetration testing requires specialized skills and experience and must be conducted through a qualified party. The testing may be clear box or opaque box.
  • Safeguard 18.3 : Remediate Penetration Test Findings: Remediate penetration test findings based on the enterprise’s policy for remediation scope and prioritization.
• Apply the Principle of Least Privilege to all systems and services. Run all software as a non-privileged user (one without administrative privileges) to diminish the effects of a successful attack. (M1026: Privileged Account Management)
  • Safeguard 4.7: Manage Default Accounts on Enterprise Assets and Software: Manage default accounts on enterprise assets and software, such as root, administrator, and other pre-configured vendor accounts. Example implementations can include: disabling default accounts or making them unusable.
  • Safeguard 5.4: Restrict Administrator Privileges to Dedicated Administrator Accounts: Restrict administrator privileges to dedicated administrator accounts on enterprise assets. Conduct general computing activities, such as internet browsing, email, and productivity suite use, from the user’s primary, non-privileged account.
• Restrict use of certain websites, block downloads/attachments, block Javascript, restrict browser extensions, etc. (M1021: Restrict Web-Based Content)
  • Safeguard 2.3: Address Unauthorized Software: Ensure that unauthorized software is either removed from use on enterprise assets or receives a documented exception. Review monthly, or more frequently.
  • Safeguard 2.7: Allowlist Authorized Scripts: Use technical controls, such as digital signatures and version control, to ensure that only authorized scripts, such as specific .ps1, .py, etc., files, are allowed to execute. Block unauthorized scripts from executing. Reassessbi-annually, or more frequently.
  • Safeguard 9.3: Maintain and Enforce Network-Based URL Filters: Enforce and update network-based URL filters to limit an enterprise asset from connecting to potentially malicious or unapproved websites. Example implementations include category-based filtering, reputation-based filtering, or through the use of block lists. Enforce filters for all enterprise assets.
  • Safeguard 9.6: Block Unnecessary File Types: Block unnecessary file types attempting to enter the enterprise’s email gateway.
• Use capabilities to detect and block conditions that may lead to or be indicative of a software exploit occurring. (M1050: Exploit Protection)
  • Safeguard 10.5: Enable Anti-Exploitation Features: Enable anti-exploitation features on enterprise assets and software, where possible, such as Microsoft® Data Execution Prevention (DEP), Windows® Defender Exploit Guard (WDEG), or Apple® System Integrity Protection (SIP) and Gatekeeper™.
• Block execution of code on a system through application control, and/or script blocking. (M1038: Execution Prevention)
  • Safeguard 2.5 : Allowlist Authorized Software: Use technical controls, such as application allowlisting, to ensure that only authorized software can execute or be accessed. Reassess bi-annually, or more frequently.
  • Safeguard 2.6 : Allowlist Authorized Libraries: Use technical controls to ensure that only authorized software libraries, such as specific .dll, .ocx, .so, etc., files, are allowed to load into a system process. Block unauthorized libraries from loading into a system process. Reassess bi-annually, or more frequently.
  • Safeguard 2.7 : Allowlist Authorized Scripts: Use technical controls, such as digital signatures and version control, to ensure that only authorized scripts, such as specific .ps1, .py, etc., files, are allowed to execute. Block unauthorized scripts from executing. Reassess bi-annually, or more frequently.
• Use capabilities to prevent suspicious behavior patterns from occurring on endpoint systems. This could include suspicious process, file, API call, etc. behavior. (M1040: Behavior Prevention on Endpoint)
  • Safeguard 13.2 : Deploy a Host-Based Intrusion Detection Solution: Deploy a host-based intrusion detection solution on enterprise assets, where appropriate and/or supported.
  • Safeguard 13.7 : Deploy a Host-Based Intrusion Prevention Solution: Deploy a host-based intrusion prevention solution on enterprise assets, where appropriate and/or supported. Example implementations include use of an Endpoint Detection and Response (EDR) client or host-based IPS agent.

REFERENCES:

Hello Folks. I am planning to apply this application cycle and find myself in a predicament after receiving my mcat results recently. To provide you context, I was a psychology major in college and completed all the standard pre-medical classes except for biochem which I self-studied for mcat prep. I went to a small liberal arts school where I had a GPA of 3.78. I generally did very well in my pre-med courses except for gen Chem where I struggled early in my college career. My mcat prep spanned a 6 month period with total hours studied at 760 hours. Below are my results of my practice exams in order:
11/18/23: Blueprint diagnostic: 502 ; 12/1: BP FL 1: 504 (126/125/125/128); 12/8: AAMC FL1 505 (124/127/125/129); 12/15: AAMC free scored: 502 (125/124/124/129); 12/29 BP FL 2: 505 (126/125/126/128); 1/5: BP FL3 504 (125/126/126/127); 1/19 AAMC FL2: 504 (125/124/126/129); 2/9 BP FL4 503 (125/125/125/128); 2/16: BP FL5: 505 (124/127/127/127); 2/23 Princeton demo 499 (123/125/123/128); 3/13 BP FL6: 502 (125/124/125/128); 3/22: AAMC FL 3: 509 (126/127/127/129); 4/5 AAMC FL4: 505 (126/125/125/129); 4/7 AAMC FL unscored: B/B (127 concerted), CP (127 converted)
Actual Mcat 4/12: 501 (127/123/125/126)
After each practice exam, I took the advice of many successful test takers and recorded the questions I got wrong and added new flashcards to the milesdown Anki deck. I also purchased the uplanet mcat q-bank and did every single question and re-did every question until I got 100% correct for all sections (except for orgo since I ran out of time). I generally studied like it was a full time job, around 5 hours each day over this 6 month period. Also, I did all the AAMC question packs. For section banks, I was around 65% for all 3. And for the bio volume 1 and 2 questions I was at high 70 % on both. For the independent Q's I got >80% on all sections. For chem and phys practice q's I was at about 70-80%.
My goal entering mcat prep was to study extremely hard to try to achieve my goal score of 515. I'm honestly shocked at my actual mcat score and don't really know where to go here given how much time and financial investment into preparing.
I am considering retaking the exam, but wanted to gauge opinions and when would be the latest I could retake with this current application cycle. I essentially have my primary finished already and was planning to submit in the first week of June once I got my mcat back. Thank you for any advice.

Hello Folks. I am planning to apply this application cycle and find myself in a predicament after receiving my mcat results recently. To provide you context, I was a psychology major in college and completed all the standard pre-medical classes except for biochem which I self-studied for mcat prep. I went to a small liberal arts school where I had a GPA of 3.78. I generally did very well in my pre-med courses except for gen Chem where I struggled early in my college career. My mcat prep spanned a 6 month period with total hours studied at 760 hours. Below are my results of my practice exams in order:
11/18/23: Blueprint diagnostic: 502 ; 12/1: BP FL 1: 504 (126/125/125/128); 12/8: AAMC FL1 505 (124/127/125/129); 12/15: AAMC free scored: 502 (125/124/124/129); 12/29 BP FL 2: 505 (126/125/126/128); 1/5: BP FL3 504 (125/126/126/127); 1/19 AAMC FL2: 504 (125/124/126/129); 2/9 BP FL4 503 (125/125/125/128); 2/16: BP FL5: 505 (124/127/127/127); 2/23 Princeton demo 499 (123/125/123/128); 3/13 BP FL6: 502 (125/124/125/128); 3/22: AAMC FL 3: 509 (126/127/127/129); 4/5 AAMC FL4: 505 (126/125/125/129); 4/7 AAMC FL unscored: B/B (127 concerted), CP (127 converted)
Actual Mcat 4/12: 501 (127/123/125/126)
After each practice exam, I took the advice of many successful test takers and recorded the questions I got wrong and added new flashcards to the milesdown Anki deck. I also purchased the uplanet mcat q-bank and did every single question and re-did every question until I got 100% correct for all sections (except for orgo since I ran out of time). I generally studied like it was a full time job, around 5 hours each day over this 6 month period. Also, I did all the AAMC question packs. For section banks, I was around 65% for all 3. And for the bio volume 1 and 2 questions I was at high 70 % on both. For the independent Q's I got >80% on all sections. For chem and phys practice q's I was at about 70-80%.
My goal entering mcat prep was to study extremely hard to try to achieve my goal score of 515. I'm honestly shocked at my actual mcat score and don't really know where to go from here given how much time and financial investment I've devoted into preparing.
I am considering retaking the exam soon, but wanted to gauge opinions and when would be the latest I could retake with this current application cycle. I essentially have my primary finished already and was planning to submit in the first week of June once I got my mcat back. Thank you for any advice.

This complete guide on The Fool tarot card is brought to you by psychics4u.net. For more valuable information, insights and resources, visit: http://psychics4u.net/
What does the fool mean in the tarot cards? The fool is the most wild tarot card in the deck that you can ever get in a psychic reading. The meaning of the fool tarot card is all about new beginnings, a journey which is usually spiritual and fast change. It indicates that things are really going to go forward for you whether it’s love, relationship, money, work, career and health. But all of these good predictions will come true, only if you will believe in yourself and take calculated risks.
If you are interested in learning everything about the meaning of the fool’s journey tarot card, you came to the right place. Keep on reading till the end of this guide as you will find here lots of useful information regarding to:

1. The fool’s journey tarot card description and symbolism.
2. Personality traits.
3. The meaning in love, relationship, money, work, career and health.
4. Is the fool a good tarot card or is it bad?
5. Does the fool tarot card mean yes or no?
6. How to read the fool’s journey tarot card in upright and reversed position.
7. The fool tarot card meaning in past, present and future.
8. The meaning of the number 0 (zero) and 22.
9. Interpretation of astrological zodiac sign.
10. Meaning as feelings.
11. The fool tarot card art and history.

The fool tarot card meaning: Description and symbolism
When we take a first look at the art of fool’s journey tarot card, we immediately notice the bright yellow sun light, the worm rays, the orange – yellow sky and the lite brown ground. The fool has loose and comfortable clothes with flowers patterns on them, mostly yellow which also matches the shoes` shade. Yellow symbolize enlightenment, happy feelings and positive energies.
The fool is ready to take the leap of faith – start a journey to the unknown territory. He doesn’t care if he will encounter obstacles down the road or dangerous situations in the way. He is ready to go no matter what will happen. In fact the fool doesn’t even think about the meaning these problems.
The fool doesn’t care too much about the material world. He collected just the necessary items and packed all his little possessions in a small bag, holding it with his right hand. On the left hand he is holding a beautiful white rose. It means the willingness to scarify and devotion to the spiritual path of life.
Look at his face directed forward and up to the sky, they are full of inspiration, vision and confidence in the current moment. He is free of fear but also innocence because he isn’t aware of the fact that bad things might happen during the unknown journey.
He is standing on the hill, one step before the deadly abyss, caught in the moment. He trusts the universe that everything will turn on the right and positive side. The white dog is barking and jumping, trying to warn him about the chasm. The snowy white mountains and hills from behind also represent a potential slippery outcomes.
The fool is in movement, he is not just standing there, he took the first step and willing to take many more steps in order to complete the journey. In the end he is seeking meaningful spirituality, to be developed to a higher self. However, right now he doesn’t know exactly how to achieve it. There is no plan, no logical calculations, not even knowledge nor experience. Just the element of fire – the burning desire to go forward.
When we look at the fool’s face we can’t really recognize if it’s a man or a woman. That interpretation means it has both the male and female energies, working together in symbiosis.
The fool tarot card meaning as Personality (Persona)
The fool is a free spirit that has no worries, doesn’t always aware of dangerous and the consequences of his action, too impulsive, acting before thinking. This is why the fool needs help when making big decisions.
He is just like a little kid who is very curious and loves to explore everything about the world. He knows he will make mistakes and it will hurt a lot. Yet it doesn’t stop him from taking an action. He likes the experiences of life whether they are good or even bad. He can learn from each situation and grow wiser and stronger. His main goal is to go after the possibility, even if it doesn’t look very clear or doable at the current phase.
The art of celebrating the joy of life. Admiring the beautifulness of the little things, very positive, optimistic and looking at the bright side.
Flexible, can adapt to most situation. He doesn’t have a solid philosophy or principle he must apply, other than been carefree. He still doesn’t have a strong personality and foundations. He is waiting to be shaped by the future experiences.
He is new to this world; he doesn’t always play by the social norms or cultural rules. Mainly because the fool doesn’t knows the meaning of most of them yet. But after the experience is gained the personality will be shaped on the positive way.
What does the fool card mean in love and relationship reading?
The fool card in love and relationships is meaning a huge surprise. You might encounter your lover in a sequence of events that you never would predict, out of the blue. For example, a new stranger that comes into town, new neighbour or new work colleague.
It can also indicate that there is a person that is close to you, but you haven’t really thought you two are compatible in terms of romance, or can go along together because you two have different personality traits. You will suddenly realise that it can happen.
When it comes to a new relationship there is a lot of excitement in the air, meaning fresh positive energy and optimism. While it might give you good feelings and joy, you also need to be caution a bit. You don’t see the whole picture and what you can’t see might hurt you.
There will be warning signs and it is advised to take in consideration every weird signal into consideration. Your friends and family might have an opinion about your new love relationship, please note that they are not jealous or want things to go wrong for you. They just care that everything will work on the good path.
Don’t be too much swept of your feet, in the end you will have to face reality. What you think about a certain man or woman and what is going on in real life are two different things. Once you encounter the polarity between the two, you might be very disappointed.
If what you are looking for is a long term relationship like marriage, than this is not a good tarot card. The fool’s journey tarot card is indicating the beginning but not the middle and the end. Things will change or develop. If you want this to success there is still a lot of work to be done. The person you are seeing right now is not looking for a commitment. Maybe in the future it will change.
If you are a woman the fool tarot card also stand for fertility. It might predict a pregnancy – start of a new life.
The fool tarot card meaning in work, career and money
New possibilities are coming in your way. This is the time to take action and do what you always wanted. Maybe you always wanted to change your career, maybe you want to work somewhere else or maybe to have your own business.
The main interpretation or meaning is that you need to go with what you believe in, even if there will be hard times during that period. Some people will not like what you are doing, they will try to stop you and change your mind. Situations like this need to be balance. On the one hand it’s good to listen to them, because they have other point of view and might teach you new perspective. On the other way don’t let it to discourage you from achieving the goal.
Understand that making a change related to work and money has its own risks. You can find yourself unemployed for a while or even loosing money. But when we are looking at the long term of the journey, in most cases there will be a success.
The fool tarot card meaning health
Regarding health, the fool tarot card meaning is good physical conditions.
If you were sick before, the interpretation is that the illness might begin to disappear and you suppose to feel much better.
Another possible meaning and interpretation is regarding to health is physical accident. As you may very well know by now, the fool is taking risks without thinking about them too much. The fool is on the verge of the cliff and if something will go wrong he will slip down.
Is the fool a good tarot card or is it bad?
Basically the fool’s journey is a good tarot card, as the main meaning is a new beginning. Usually when we have something new in our life, it is exciting, gives us good feeling and very interesting and intriguing. At this moment we pay attention only to the good and positive aspects of the event. We normally drawn to the situation, don’t think too much about it and we don’t want to ruin it, just flow with the current.
However, nothing is perfect and you also need to be aware of dangerous situations that are a head of you. There will be warning signs of bad energies. Therefore the best practice is no keep an eye on what is going on.
Does the fool tarot card mean yes or no?
The fool’s journey tarot card is usually neutral. The card is symbolizing something fresh and new possibilities. It can turn bad or good depending or the steps you take during your journey. More often than not it is interpreted as a yes card.
The fool’s journey tarot card upright meaning
Upright keywords: new beginnings, freedom, originality, foolishness, spontaneity, travel, adventure, leap of faith, careless, innocence.
The upright meaning of the fool tarot card is about taking risks in order to improve your situation and gain more of what you really want in life. Every one of us has certain desires and personal goals that we want to pursue. So if this card show up in a psychic reading than it is a good time to start a new adventure.
You have to be brave and face your inner demons and fears. Although the card is generally positive, the road to happiness is not easy and you will encounter some problems. From that reason it is very crucial that you will have faith and believe in yourself. Believe that you can do it, even if right now it is not very clear how, you will find the solution. Even if everyone around advice or telling you that you will fail, don’t listen to them too much and go only with your inner true.
Don’t look back on past experiences. Even if you had bad moments, don’t let them hold you from changing your situation. Remember the lessons you have learned and just keep on go forward all the way.
The fool’s journey tarot card reversed meaning
Reversed keywords: lack of direction, chaos, naive, reckless, lack of direction, poor judgement
When the tarot card is being spread upside down (reversed), it means that you jumped too far without thinking about the implications of your action, this might put you in trouble. As shown graphically in the fool tarot card, he is standing right before the cliff. Every big step or reckless movement can bring him to death.
Even if the fool tarot card is showing in reversed it still means a new beginning, but something is holding you back. For example it can be fear of the unknown future, failure and inability to make decisions.
The reversed meaning in love and relationship: if you are single than you are not ready for a long term relationships, you will not find term partner. If you are already seen someone that he or she doesn’t ready to make a commitment. They just want to have fun and fool around.
With money and career, when the tarot card is reversed, beware that no one is taking an advantage or you. For example someone can offer you a bad business idea or shady investment opportunity. And in the end you will lose lots of money.
The fool tarot card meaning in past, present and future
When we relate to the past, the meaning of the fool tarot card is that you have wasted lots of time and energies on people or work or relationships that you are no longer interested in. you had enough with all of this and you are looking for something different.
The present: right now you need a change, you don’t know if it will turn out to be good or bad. You are standing on a crossroad, you need to make a choice and just go for it. Things are looking too complicated right now, this is fine and you will have to address those issues but not right now. The most important thing is that you’ll move on to the desired direction.
The future: the fool tarot card is mainly concern about the present moment. But it can give us a little projection on the future as well. In the future you will have to invent yourself, adapt and be very flexible. When you will see a new opportunity, don’t hesitate and don’t go back to your old habits, which are holding you back.
The fool tarot card number meaning
The fool tarot card is a part of the whole 22 major arcana cards. It referred to key number 0 (zero), meaning the first in the deck. But it can also be placed at the end – key number 22. Because of that fact, the fool symbolizing the beginning and the end of a life cycle. Further more, the cycle is endless so in theory it goes in never-ending loop forever and ever, repeat itself to the eternity.
During our life, we will go through the 21 keys or elements of the fool’s journey. We will meet people who will teach us lessons about life. We will change our behaviour and feelings in order to continue with the journey. So in the end we will go back to the very first place that it was all begun, but now we are different in the way that we are wiser and stronger. It is more like spiritual voyage of self discovery.
The word fool in French language means a sack that is full of air, not with material objects. This is the reason why everything is possible even if it doesn’t seem so. It is also a symbol of triumph.
The number zero in numerology represents no limitation and lots of positive options to choose from. It is nothing and yet it is also everything together. The order of the numbers doesn’t apply to zero, as it all start afterwards. So there is no past for the fool, only future.
22 innumerology is great transformation energy. It is the ability to turn dreams and wishes to come true to the world of reality.
The fool tarot card astrological zodiac sign
The fool tarot card astrological zodiac signs are Aquarius and Pisces.
Aquarius is the 11th zodiac in astrology, mainly represents the element of water. Liquid flow that travel on earth. Strong current of water that can creates its own path by shaping rivers, lakes and the bottom of the ocean. Always on the move, looking for new adventure and can get bored really quick.
Pisces is a dreamer very much like the fool’s personality from the tarot card. They want to go somewhere, but they can’t decide what the right direction for them is. They have this conflict as depict in the zodiac sign – two fish, each one of them is swimming to another side. Pisces are also very emotional and control by their feelings.
In astrology the role of Uranus planet is to be like a clock, to awake us and get us doing things. This is very similar to the fool’s situation as described in the tarot card. There is some burning flame of fire inside of him that wouldn’t let him rest until he will find his answers. It is a call to take immediate action.
The fool tarot card meaning as feelings
As feelings, the fool’s journey tarot card gives us positive feelings. In most cases the answers to you questions are yes, there are good energies and positive vibes surrounding you. Even if the tarot card show in reversed it is still have bigger aspect of positivity with a minor challenge that stands in your way. In fact, it the ancient days of psychic reading the card was actually a joker – the most powerful item in the deck.
The fool tarot card art and history
Long time ago when tarot cards were used as a game and not for psychic reading, the fool’s card was the most powerful card in the deck. He was outside of the order and if you had it, you could protect and win the game.
Few hundreds year later the art of this tarot card was described more as someone who has unwanted personality in society, and therefore he lost all his magic and power. People didn’t want to associate themselves with this image. It was considered a negative energy and bad omen from the future. It symbolized unsuccessful life, misfortune and tormeneted feelings.
Later on, the fool’s image became a man of courage. Until that very day, the fool’s is still the hero card on the tarot deck. Although he is numbered 0 (zero) which mean nothing, he denotes new journey and possibilities, which is everything we need.
In many myths, legends and folklore story through history, the fool is actually the wisest person of all. He might look a little different or simple or even out of the common norms, but he knows better. Although at the beginning he didn’t had too much wisdom, his actions and failures through life, brought him new experiences and valuable lessons to learn from. All of this could happen just because of one thing: he wasn’t afraid to take the risk.
In fact, those who are dismissing him or don’t understand him, are the real fools because they don’t know how much wisdom he has to offer to the world.
Other names for the fool tarot card: joker, jester, clown, buffoon, folie, fov, il matto, le fou, and le mat.
Feel free to write your thoughts or questions in the comments below. I'd love to hear from you!

Have learned so much following this forum for the last year or so (using different account for privacy). Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences on this crazy journey! I have a question and was hoping for advice here.
50 and in peri stage, still have regular periods, albeit they just started to change about a month ago. I have had a decade of insomnia, anxiety, hot flashes at night, urinary issues etc that I’ve only just recently realized are related to this peri stage. No Dr had ever mentioned before and my friends have all been going through this recently so that’s how I’ve become enlightened lol.
So I started HRT last week thru MIDI and was prescribed estradiol .0375 and 100mg progesterone. The first 48 hours I felt amazing! Body aches and pain - GONE. Energy levels - off the charts. Mood - amazing. Sleep - great!
Then day 3….aches came back, and the insomnia has been crushing. Up at night 1,2,3am and it’s brutal. Before HRT I was sleeping well with nightly trazadone. Now the trazadone is barely effective!
Anyone know what the heck might be happening here? I have a follow up appointment on Monday, but am tempted to take the patch off and discontinue the progesterone asap so that maybe I can be achy and moody but actually get some sleep.
Any thoughts or personal experiences would be appreciated!

The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳

I've been on this journey for a few years, with the most intense exhilaration and the lowest self-destructive spirals. When my person stopped talking to me, I tried everything, moving on, reinitiating, doing things that would catch their attention, acting as if I was over it. The intense discomfort comes from avoiding what you don't want to face.
I've recently had intense periods of feeling very connected to myself, and to them, even though I heard nothing from them in years. I was once again who they showed me to be. But the few times I did this, I also thought: this time, when I reach out to them, they're bound to respond! I still believed them to be separate from me, someone that I could win over - that's where I fell short. When they didn't respond, I became furious. Why did it not work? What more do I have to do? Why can't I just say "fuck it" and move on?
And now I get it. Connecting to your shared soul, feeling their energy, is all about awakening to your truth, and standing in yourself no matter what's going on. The attraction and love you feel for them is one part of it, but how did it change you? Did they awaken an intense understanding, or inspire you to be a better person, chase your dreams, heal yourself? Because that's what the core of this is. And most of all... getting to feel the unconditional love present in each and every structure that makes up our world.
My friend recently described it as rocks in the river. Rocks represent the ego barriers, 3D obstacles, things we believe are blocking the flow, but the water doesn't stop because of it - it keeps on flowing around it, no matter if you step in and let yourself feel it, or stubbornly, out of fear, stay on the dry land.
I can convince myself that I no longer feel love for them of to satisfy my ego or to appear less vulnerable - because it's shameful in our society to admit strong feelings, we should all be independent and successful to deserve love, but that's just not how the world works. Everything is connected. Separation is an illusion. And there's very little that comes as close to representing that illusion as one soul in two bodies. Being present in myself is to feel an all encompassing love - not just for my twin, but in general. Becoming disconnected is what causes pain and maintains the appearance of isolation and suffering.
"But... is that really all there's ever going to be? Don't I deserve a real relationship with someone I love?" We all want nothing else than for them to love us the same way we love them. But if actions of your twin trigger you, make you feel rejected or abandoned - look at that. That's a part of you that requires love and attention.
Healing, spiritual awakening and connecting to the source is within, not outside, not paywalled nor locked behind countless steps, you can get there anytime. But if it's them you're after and you don't want anyone else... maybe accept that they may have their own things to do, learn, experience. They may feel all sorts of ways for you and not be ready, or they may be so disconnected that they can't feel it at all. And you have to let them. If you think they're intending to hurt you specifically, that's your mind talking. (If you're involved with someone deliberately hurtful, that's not your twin soul.)
And most importantly - there's no amount of healing and enlightenment that can change any other person but you, and expecting them to be your "reward" is borderline incel-y and creepy. They're their own human being, not a thing to possess.
You love them because there's no easier way to exist. Even if they date/marry someone else, even if they don't visibly reciprocate, even if they are silent, don't validate you and are not the one remedy for every bit of pain and rejection you faced? For every "if" that made you scowl and say "well no, actually", that's what needs to fall away.
Let go of every expectation for a "reunion" and simply become aware that you're already united and let it unfold however it will. Let yourself be carried by the unifying flow that's all around you; your love for them, theirs for you, every other kind there is, everywhere, eternal. And that's union.

Day 0!
5/13, total lap, took uterus, cervix, tubes, and did a bladder check. Edit: both ovaries intact.
I checked in about 840, surgery about 1040. One final pregnancy test. The staff was amazing (except the anaesthesiologist was a bit of a dick to one of the nurses, I didn’t like that-I think I might be reporting that… but he was fine to me). Even my gyno who I wasn’t a fan of during our appointments, I could tell surgery is where she was meant to be. I met my OR nurse, anaesthesiologist, and my gyno/surgeon in pre-op where every single person (plus surgical day care nurse) went over everything with me again and again, and ensured I was comfortable with what we were planning to do, and confirmed that barring any issues, my catheter would be removed during surgery, and then a camera check up the urethra and into the bladder. There was a slight hiccup in something in the lab with my pre op blood work where they listed me as a c section (ABSOLUTELY NOT) and something in the test regarding transfusion expired within 3 days and I did my pre op Thursday. I was worried it was going to delay things but since I have been fortunate and never had a transfusion (and the surgeon believed me and didn’t want her day messed up, plus they had the Thursday results) they called the lab, they were there super quick, and it was drawn up then I was wheeled in to the OR. Once in the OR they had me transfer onto the table, got me situated, introduced the surgical team, and my surgeon went over everything one last time while I was still conscious and made sure everyone was on the same page and ready to go. I was given oxygen and told to take a few deep breaths, and then they started pumping meds into my IV and I was out.
From what I hear (my surgeon called my mom/pickup person) it all went like clockwork. I was out in under two hours, into recovery to wake up and when I came to, three nurses (or health care workers, whatever their role, but I think RNs) were chatting about me near my bedside on how I had a lack of requirements before I could be discharged. I don’t think they realised or expected me to be awake so quickly but I said I had been told that as soon as I could walk to the bathroom and pee on my own, I could leave. They looked a little shocked. Not sure if because I was awake or because I knew what I needed to do.
I did say in recovery to my nurse that I felt like I needed to pee, but they wanted me to wait until the hour was up in recovery and I was transferred back to surgical day care.
Once I was in day care I was given juice, digestive cookies and my phone and started texting my mom, who was right outside, and said I was back to where she could come see me. The person at the desk at the front tried not to let her in and said I wasn’t back yet (not sure if there was a lack of communication or no) but mom insisted I was texting her and telling her I was back, and the woman from the desk had to come in and check for herself that I was back… and asked my nurse-who was again nearby-and I heard the front desk woman muttering and said something about “her mom”. I piped up and said don’t try to stop her from coming in, she won’t go away and she would get in either way, I’m texting with her now. The woman didn’t like that much, but my nurse laughed and okay’d her coming in.
Nurse back in day care listened to me pretty quick, did her checks and made she I could sit/stand and disconnected my IV line. She walked me to the bathroom to make sure I was okay. I peed without issue-it was a bit tender coming out but no burning… but man. Maybe bring your own toilet paper. That rough stuff is even rougher when you’re sensitive😳
I felt immediately better cause now I knew they could let me out once my final hour in recovery was complete. Another glass of juice, some more post op checks done, and I was able to get my IV out. (I know most people wouldn’t like IVs but it was a huge hang up for me… my veins suck and it was tender and once they confirmed I could leave I wanted it GONE.
Passed the rest of the time chatting, going over discharge paperwork/instructions, then I was given the official go ahead to change and leave. Slow going, changing, and man the hospital pads are atrocious (and no wings?!). I peed once more, hating the toilet paper but loved the mesh ish shorts they gave me and asked for a couple more, and they gave me two or three more. I was allowed to leave just after 230pm.
I was able to walk out of the hospital on my own two feet. Slowly, but walking and being upright felt much better than sitting. The nurse said it was allowed as long as mom was right there (which she obviously was) in case I got dizzy. We walked out to the front entrance (elevator, no stairs of course), and I stood at a safe spot where I could sit if I needed to, while she went and got the car from the far side of the lot. I probably could have walked it, but it was slow and didn’t want to chance anything.
The ride home was a bit rough-I forgot my pillow and I think that would have helped. Held my hands/palms onto my lower belly for some support. It was manageable, I wasn’t crying out in pain or anything, but definitely internally felt every little bump despite mom trying her best to avoid them.
I’m staying in my own apartment, (parent’s offered me to stay at theirs but I’m far more comfy in my own place, and no stairs) my dad’s sleeping on the couch while my pup is at the house with my mom and their two dogs. So far I’ve been able to manage on my own but it’s nice knowing he’s here incase I need something. When I got home, much to my dad’s chagrin (he wanted to do it for me), I made myself buttered toast, had an ice cream sandwich, some arrowroot cookies, a Tylenol and after eating upright and walking in circles a bit, I went to my bed with my heating pad, pregnancy pillow and about 8462619 other pillows I adjusted as needed. I’m very happy I had a pregnancy pillow. I was debating getting the wedges but decided with the option of Amazon same day/next day delivery, if I changed my mind it wouldn’t be long without it.
Obviously there’s more internal room now, but a heads up-I’ve peed a few times since getting home (it’s near 1am) I have noticed that “hmm I need to pee” turns quickly into “YUP GOTTA GO” when I stand up. I think that little bit extra gravity assist hits when I stand. No burning, still just a bit sensitive, but I bought a peri care bottle with a nozzle on it and is it a game changer. The hospital gave me one but it didn’t have an angled nozzle, which to me is useless unless I want to climb in my shower every time or end up with water all over my floor. First time I used it, I just rinsed with cool water multiple times as it was soothing (not going into the vagina).
There’s been very little blood so far-some spotting but not much.
The pain? Feels like a concentrated day 2 of my usual bad periods, with low back pain (helped greatly with heating pad). Like most of us here… we’re used to heavy pain so it’s not all that unbearable.
I was given tramadol, and didn’t take my first one until 9pm. Didn’t love the feeling. And my limbs started tingling which was weird. That’s supposed to be a withdrawal effect. But my body doesn’t handle drugs well so could just be me. I’ll see what happens later in the night if I need something else, I’ll take it. But so far the pain/discomfort is reminding me not to sleep how i normally do-on my side with my leg up toward my abdomen.
I’ve got my naproxen and Tylenol that the pharmacy okay’d me to take instead of Advil and Tylenol.
Forgot to mention-my throat is a bit sore, but not nearly what I expected. Feels like I just spent some time around a campfire where the smoke randomly followed me. One Halls seemed to help, and of course, ice cream sandwiches 😂.
And now to wait for meeting the real me after 20+ years of being on oral birth control… should be some definite hormonal swings during recovery plus that, but can’t wait😂🤦🏻‍♀️
Edit: one thing I did that I haven’t seen posted otherwise in this subreddit is that I put a cooling cloth, soaked in water, in a ziplock bag, and stuck it laying down flat in my freezer before surgery. I don’t think I really needed to, but I had that laying (with clothing on and a tea towel wrapped around it) on my lower belly and it molded perfectly as it melted a tad, and felt great. I wasn’t told not to ice it, I wasn’t told to ice it, but I figure as long as it feels good, it’s not damaging anything or getting anything wet. Might be something for others to consider! I wouldn’t want the weight of a large ice pack or anything on me right now, but just that in the ziplock with a light pillow overtop was perfect.

My most recent psychosis occurred due to a number of underlying reasons that I was dealing with over a 6-8 week period and was mostly delusional.
The lead up to it - I had just finished the largest engineering project that I had been working on for two years,. My wife and I were having a very difficult and stressful time, with disagreements all the time.
My body was yelling and screaming for help and I could feel it from deep down inside me. I went to see doctors and psychologists but it didn't do it for me.. A childhood friend then passed away and that tipped me over.. All of a sudden I was placing myself in my friends place and I had all these questions that I had for myself.
I took a few days off work in the hope that it would get better, however, as I returned I just felt exhausted and overcooked. That's when I started to lose it... Note that I wasn't doing any hard drugs at the time, nor was I drinking, but in that upleading week, I was having the occasional nitrous oxide (N20) cannisters.
I went to get my tarot cards read upon returning to work (first time). The lady who conducted the card reading told me to choose the cards when "I feel the energy above the deck".. I actually felt the cards drawing my hand closer to them. I received the following cards, all of which seemed were of major importance to me: (1) Stand your Ground, (2) Hope, (3) Foundation & Achievements, (4) Base Chakra, (5) The Waiting Game, (6) Third Eye Chakra, (7) Love Begins, (8) Spiritual Union, (9) Intuition, (10) Conquer & Defeat.
..That night I went for a walk, I saw a shooting star - it was the first time that I had seen one and was so beautiful. I rushed into tell my wife about the tarot cards and the shooting star.. we both broke down in tears. Later on that evening I would tune into Youtube, and learn more about finance, investing, life, philosophy and music - all of which were major interests in my life.
The next morning I woke up and got ready to go to work. I couldn't help myself but start crying when all of my songs came on. Notorious BIG - Juicy: "Born sinner, the opposite of a winner, remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner".. I had sardines for dinner growing up too, and I could literally taste my mothers sardine dish in my mouth while the song was playing... As I raced onto the highway, it felt as though I was so connected to everything. I rolled the windows down and felt the air around me...The number plates around me "8SAMA" - which I had a feeling that there was going to be a terrorist attack occurring in the not too distant future. "FX Silver" - I was speculating with precious metals back at that time and thought it was a sign that due to the terror attack, silver was going to increase in price. "IDK IDK" - I was listening to the song I don't know by Tion Wayne, Stormzy, etc. the night before my psychosis.. Everything around me was providing me with signs and nothing was a coincidence. It felt like I was enlightened or something?
I called my brother in the morning who lived abroad, he said that he was being overworked and stressed out. He wanted to head to New York for new years eve and I immediately told him not to go as something bad was going to happen. When I went back into the office, I felt as though there would be some kind of market correction before the terror event occured, so I tried to sell all of my crypto, the only problem was, when I entered all of my key seed phrases, one of them somehow disappeared and I could no longer access my crypto wallet. That was when everything cracked further.. I thought the government was onto me as I had put all the pieces of the puzzle together and started to warn people around me.
I grabbed my manager from the office and told him I needed to speak to them. I wanted to come clean with everything that had happened. During this time I felt at peace and in this blissful place. I was seeing visual signs of things from my past which were interacting with my present moment .. it felt like everything around me was staged. I came clean to the manager and told them that I had been struggling at work, and using drugs and alcohol to cope, I said that it also put so much strain on my relationship and my wife was going to leave me. At this time it felt like the police had wire tapped my manager and everything I was saying was going on record. I was trying to outsmart him with every question that they had for me and it was like I was playing 4d chess in my head. We spent close to 2.5 hours talking about my situation -at every stage I was waiting for when the popo were going to pop out and arrest me.
My wife had been contacted and came to pick me up. She took me back home, but while I went home I thought that our house had been bugged and wired. To me our neighbours were acting odd, and so many things were working in my head, I just didn't know how to relax and calm down. The next day I was taken to my parents place, and I initially started by doing a little bit of exercise, I still felt as though the police were after me and I had something to prove to the world. I then had a panic attack, where I legitimately felt as though I couldn't breathe, my wife and family rushed me to the emergency department at the hospital, and I was met with a psychiatrist who put me on a large dose of antipsychotic medication. Don't know where I'd be without my wife to support me through everything.
I then came back and rested. Slowly but surely I started to realise that I had just experienced a psychotic episode that lasted for several days. Following this event, I had a major depressive episode, which took months for me to recover, and approximately one year later I am in a better place mentally, but I am still not 100 %.
It turns out I have a family history of this sort of bullshit that nobody told me about, and being exposed to drugs and alcohol would only increase the risk of any symptoms. I've been off all the drugs and attempting to stop alcohol, and live a more holistic, natural life. Let's see what happens. For anyone dealing newly dealing with it or in the process of recovering, it gets better. Keep your head up.
If anyone else has a psychosis story or would like to open up about their feeling of oneness or connectedness, please do feel free to share below.
<3

Right, good day everyone,
23M/81-82kg/6'0"
Edit: no need to rip me in the comments. I got big. I got lean. I got strong. The drugs did what they were supposed to do. I used all pharma ancillaries (besides enclo) did 100's of hours of research, months of prep, and over a year of bloodwork before touching anything. Also had a few years of training- but not enough for AAS. Just a young, insecure and down on himself dude who took some gear- we all make mistakes, no matter how well informed we think we are.
So long story short- have ran 3 steroid cycle. First was 2 years ago, last one ended 6 months ago. Not above a gram. No 19nors. Just test + DHTs. Longest cycle 16 weeks, using HCG @1500iu weekly each time.
Edit: LH is always between 2-4. Was 2-4 range when at 400, only time it's been 5 was when at 800ng/dL. It's at 3 as of last test (Test was 7nmol, LH 3, FSH 2)
Pre cycle bloods had me at around 400ng/dL/14-16nmol.
After first cycle (Test @ 350, tapered up 500mg) I pct'd to 800ng/dL (28nmol?). Used Nolvadex @ 40/20/20/20. Also Clomid @ 12.5/12.5/12.5/0.0
Bloods taken 6 weeks after stopping PCT- doubled my Test levels (increased muscle, better diet + sleep) which was awesome! Should have stopped here. Didn't.
After the second cycle, came back at 200ng/dL (7nmol) used same PCT protocol. I was training very hard so I expected this- I actually got way leaner and kept 90% of the strength- despite having this low level (was obviously in a calorie defecit) doing MMA + gym.
PCT'd 3 more times after this:
Nolva only. 20mg/4 weeks. 2 months break- still 7nmol. Still kept same bodyweight so maintenance calories (4.5k)
Clomid only. 25mg/4 weeks. 2 months break- still 7nmol.
Jumped back on Test for 4 months after this.
Then PCT'd again. Enclomiphene only. 12.5mg/4 weeks, followed by a 2 weeks break, then 10mg of Nolva for 4 weeks.
That was the last PCT i've done- still 7nmol following this.
I assumed I was underfuelling- so since then i've gained ~8kg+. My appetite is also insane right now- I never feel full.
Almost entirely fat. No strength increase.
My physique looks like shit, I feel like shit. Have gone so far backwards.
So, I took 3 whole weeks off training pretty much. Did 3 weight sessions, 45 mins each. Nothing else.
Stopped tracking food, but was consuming well over 5000+ calories of almost entirely meat, eggs, cheeses, saturated fats and oils. Yes I know it's hard to say 5000+ calories but remember i've tracked food for 2 years +, I know it was at LEAST 5000 calories.
My appetite is insane.
It's was quite an extreme diet, very high fat, high protein, low carb.
Just re-tested at 4.5nmol-100ng/dL after this rest and refeed and gaining 3kg+ alone during this period. Obviously all fat. No muscle, wasn't training.
I was overtraining and underfuelling for quite some time but i've gained significant weight over the past 4-5 months, but look and feel like shit.
Had abs, veins, strength for 2 years- no matter my test levels, but now it's caught up and it's all gone. Literally back to square 1.
I'm probably going to pin some test P @140mg per week (within the next week), as well as some Tirzepatide @ 2.5mg to shed the shit weight.
Does anyone have any other suggestions before I jump back on TRT+GLP?
Am I stuffed?
I generally kept between 8-10% bodyfat the whole time I was cycling on/off. Few times got closer to 12 when heaviest (88-89kg) but mostly 8-10% range.
Did lots of MMA, lots of running, lots of weights. Was eating 4000+ calories the whole time, but lost/gained randomly.
Usually weight was between 73-77kg- this is when OFF anabolics I should mention. Doing lots of fight training+sparring.
On cycle I would blow up past this with almost no bodyfat gains.
I wasn't massive, but strong and lean the whole time. Got heaviest at 88kg on cycle (1st) and peaked at 80kg last cycle, 8-9% bodyfat.
Lost a few KG during PCT down to 73-74kg- but now back into 81-82kg range.
Now i'm likely 20%+ bodyfat at lower strength and i'm suffering a lot.
What's the smart/logical next step to take here? I have got a script for TRT now. But i'm not sure what to do. I'm 23!
Cheers all

TLDR: I heard about an old scheme called The Airplane Game recently. It reminded me of Bitcoin.
Someone on another sub suggested The Dream podcast, which covers modern scams that prey on people's desire for growing wealth. The first episode kicks off with the story of The Airplane Game. I had never heard of this until yesterday.
The Airplane Game allegedly started in New York City in the 1980's. It organically sprung up in different circles. People participating in the game were pitched to come to a business network seminar that included a life coach guest speaker. Chairs were arranged in a pyramid triangle formation. 1 seat at the top (the pilot), 2 seats behind them (the co-pilots), 4 seats behind them (flight attendants), and 8 seats on the last row (passengers).
The guest speaker would talk about "human potential", prosperity gospel themes, and all kinds of new age advice for growing your wealth and gaining financial independence. Somewhere within the presentation, the game was introduced. Put in $1500 to get a seat on the 4th row. Once all 8 seats on the back row were bought out, the pilot at the top would graduate with $12000. Then triangle would then split into two new triangles - with everyone moving up a row and leaving a new set of back rows for the next round of recruits. Everyone with a seat up front was incentivized to recruit new participants in the game. As that would speed up their path to cashing out as a pilot.
If I recall the woman being interviewed on the Podcast, the original participants were a high energy crowd and no one really connected the idea with it being a Ponzi scheme. They had no trouble recruiting and they bought in to the new age BS about the prosperity they rightfully deserved. The Airplane Game simply reinforced it. The groups would meet periodically with different speakers, introduce new players, give payouts, and talk more enlightenment. Even pilots who cashed out had no reason to not play again for another $1500.
Eventually, they ran out of suckers. And eventually some "low energy" folks would be left holding the bag and complaining loudly since they were unable to sell more seats on the plane. Then the cops and feds started raiding the Airplane Game parties across the country. And the whole thing collapsed.
Now here's where I think this intersects crypto. Bitcoin is just the Airplane Game on a bigger scale. Both are Ponzi schemes. Both are backed by a farcical philosophy promising a path to financial prosperity. There's gurus that espouse the philosophy to gain the trust of new recruits and so on. Without the hype factor being whipped up by those most incentivized to do so, both Bitcoin and and The Airplane Game seem dumb. But once the self-help prosperity philosophy is sprinkled in, it becomes a magnet for certain people.
If we can understand the psychology of people enticed by the Airplane Game. We can probably extrapolate that level of thinking to Bitcoin fanatics. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.