umm hey guys let me break it down for you. So, I've been casually seeing this guy I met on a dating app for about two years now. He's the first guy I've really felt something for in a while. We have great convos and hang out, but not all the time. He went back to his hometown a few months ago, but we still chat because we share the same sense of humor and memes. But but but ik he just sees me as a friend with benefits. And to make matters worse, I snooped through his notes one day (I know, I know, not cool) and found a letter he wrote to his childhood love, confessing his love for her (that is still in him) ..ouch, it hurts.. i know it's not his fault, but it stung. He probably senses I'm highly invested into him, which is why he only talks when he feels like it, leaving me feel clingy.
I'm at a loss here. I'm totally into this guy, but he doesn't take me seriously. What should I do? I've been talking to him and hooking up for so long now. I can't just ignore him and move on, especially since he's the closest thing to perfect I've found since my ex. I've tried dating other guys, but they just don't compare. I feel stuck, hoping that maybe one day he'll see me differently. Can anyone relate or offer some advice, please?

I've lived in my building for 10+ years with no problem. The building was well maintained and tenants got along with the landlord––until he retired and turned everything over to his son. His son does a lot of unsavory things, but the most irritating is refusing to perform even minor maintenance on tenant units by first ignoring requests, then setting up repeated no-show appointments.
The landlord will quote 5-6 hour window, and the worker will invariably be a no-show. If you are assertive about the no-show, the landlord will simply ignore you. If you are polite, he will tell you that a worker will come the next day––and then proceed to stand you up again.
If the tenants are persistent enough, after 1-2 weeks, a worker will eventually show, but without any notice. If the tenant is not home when the worker shows, the landlord will refuse to fix the issue because the tenant was not able to let the worker in and "violated his responsibility" to allow access to make the repair.
Leaving keys for the worker isn't an option because the landlord hires the workers off Craigslist. He never sees the workers to give them a key. In any case, random workers unknown to anyone are not the kind of people you want in your house unsupervised.
The whole setup is designed to frustrate the tenants from even making maintenance requests in the first place. First by ignoring requests, then by forcing tenants to rearrange their schedules to be at home for workers that I doubt he's even scheduled to show up.
Of course, it's counterproductive: Multiple units in this once immaculately maintained building have had city orders to make repairs to meet code. But if the requests don't rise to the level of code violation, you're out of luck. And of course, it's a lot of stress to deal with the mind games.
I'm in Los Angeles, covered by the LARSO. California Civil Code Section 1954 regulates landlord entry into units, but as far as I know, there's nothing about no-show appointments. Any advice to stop the insanity?

I wasn't entirely sure where to chronicle the wonderous tale of Clyde, because this spans multiple websites including reddit. Not enough drama localized here for it to be subredditdrama , and not enough on the Discord for it to be considered discordhorrorstories, and not enough TTRPG for rpghorrorstories.
Mods, feel free to direct me to the proper place if this isn't it. Anyway, on with the disaster.
Our tale begins on a subreddit in a semi-niche community of the RP side of Reddit, which I won't name because of Rule 9. It's a medieval-themed board where you can post memes if you want, but is mainly known for it's "encounter posts" and long, long chains of IC conversations between the regulars of the sub. I myself love the place, my Doctor Who OC (isn't relevant to the tale so I'll keep info on that brief) is one such regular, having decided to become that planet's Doctor stand-in. Long irrelevant story. Check my comment history, I'm all over that sub. Any references to that character are just to provide examples for how things work there.

Some background to understand the landscape:

Character creation is pretty lax there. One doesn't necessarily have to be a knight, (such as my character for example) but most people choose to be. It's gotten some controversies in the past concerning technology limitations to some extent, mainly asking folks to flavor things fantasy-style, such as my character being viewed as an eccentric artificer who lives in a box of miracles. A phrase I see commonly for when people ask questions about this is something like this:

"You can have an F-22 Raptor, but it cannot be an F-22 Raptor. Perhaps a Da-Vinci style flying machine propelled by magic to have comparable speed instead?"

Stuff like that. The community doesn't want to stifle creativity, but also don't want people to ruin the DnD-style universe with technology far outstripping the era (hence why my character must be secretive about his Tardis; Meta-perspective it's to avoid violating the tech rule more than it already does by nature). There's also a no-NSFW/ERP rule (unless its in DMs), which will come into play later.
Due to rulings like this, it has the obvious problem of how to settle things like duels, or how various people groups see each other IC. This caused a mutual agreement over on the discord to have the combatants agree on the terms of the duel beforehand, either in DMs or OOC somewhere. Stuff like, HP per character, highest D20 wins/best of 3, or first to Nat 20. Alternatively, self-hosted Encounter Posts can have their own rules, which must be outlined in the comment section by OP. Here's an example stat block from one such encounter:
https://preview.redd.it/xlo49rq4ih0d1.png?width=1122&format=png&auto=webp&s=dd7c9908af081c25953ebebcb1ed1a3a40c04eb6

Now, where does Clyde come into play?

Once upon a time, there was a user I'll call Clyde. Clyde is effectively the most anime character of all anime characters I've ever seen in my time in that community. To put it bluntly, he refuses to lose. I don't mean like he's very determined or super good at the combat, or a clever RP-er. I mean, his characters (of which the Tupperbox list on the Discord is FULL of, which will come up later), have miscellaneous excuses as to why they can literally never lose any engagement. Not one. Hence the nickname, "The Nuh-Uh King"
Here's a word for word excerpt from the Bio of one of his characters. Keep in mind, he's no troll. I've talked to him in VC before. This is completely, unironically, serious.

She was also born with several vampiric abilities yet none of the weaknesses.

I have plenty of more snippets just like this if not worse, including one that I couldn't relocate to post here that in summary said "can cast Wish as a Cantrip" (Clyde typically prefers to use DnD for organization of his very overpowered moveset.) or claiming to be level 50, despite DnD maxing at 20.
Note: Clyde insists on DnD-puritanism in his interactions, only to immediately violate his own rules.
By far the most cursed of his lineup is the Golden Half-Dragon. This character supposedly can predict the opponent's moves before they make them. Most Encounter Hosts try to make him roll for this, but he insists it's an innate ability that doesn't have to be rolled, and he has "+30 on every roll" (despite the Encounters not typically allowing modifiers) so he cannot fail anyway. Additionally, there is no Saving Throw for the opponent. Using the same justification, you cannot circumvent it. It's always a Critical hit, and he flaunts this totally fair ability to one-shot anyone and anything, including Lovecraftian Elder Gods (We have a Warlock or two who have dark pacts with Outer Beings)
Clyde seems to have no concept of fun for people other than himself. There's been several incidents of him joining other people's threads, of course one-shotting their instance of the Encounter and declaring himself the winner. People often just ignore him, but sometimes people will try to argue with him about it, and he gets very defensive and picks a fight with the person who won't just let him steamroll their combat. Not to mention, the hypocrisy can be smelled a MILE away.
Here's another lovely message in one such argument. TLDR-ed because there was a bunch of anime exposition that I'm not gonna make you read.

"I snap my fingers and the entire army falls dead, (TW: Violence) their heads severed from their bodies in a fraction of an instant with my blade."

The person protests about ruining the fun (Encounter involved liberating an occupied village by stealth or counter-raiding or assassination of the General, a boss. It was open ended, but they asked for creativity in the post. You were allowed to challenge the army, but you couldn't John Wick them, the Host asked that a Tactical victory be done through soldiers of the Commenter's own). They argued that it was overpowered to do that alone and not very fun to host. Posts a hypothetical of what if someone with the same unimaginably powerful level of a character was able to take down his character in one hit and received this as a response:

"If I ever meet a character that strong I won't consider them canon nor interact with them. My characters are too powerful and they can't lose so it wouldn't happen anyway."

Once more, this was without /s, this was without a hint of irony. I've seen trolls do something similar before, but no one has gone to a practically cartoonish level with it. Everyone is pretty tired of it, and he's been warned by the Mods of both the Subreddit and the Discord multiple times, which brings us to Part 3:

Clyde Joins the Discord

Oh, boy. THIS is a story. So the Discord has several separate sections, places where people can interact OOC and talk about games or other interests outside of Text RP. They also have threads for IC stuff if, say, your character wanted to rent a room at the local Tavern, or conduct business at the marketplace, or visit a shop run by someone else.
The moment he discovered that a Discord existed, the Tupperbox creation channel was absolutely flooded with his characters, and ALL of them are almost impressively overpowered in some form or fashion. I won't go into detail, but it's a long list.
Pretty quickly, a nasty habit of "ghost-pinging" or @ ing someone repeatedly and then deleting the messages developed. One of his warnings was due to this habit, and to his credit it happens less often now, but if you don't respond for more than a minute after he continues, the spam begins until you return. Now, I understand sending a reminder to be sure they remember the interaction/figure out if they're ghosting, but this is insane.
The other warning so far was his rampant violation of the No-ERP rule. I'm friends with one of the mods on the Discord, and they showed me a thread of him writing a lengthy scene between two of his Tuppers in the public channels, after being told he couldn't. I've seen a lot worse, but it wasn't pleasant to read over regardless.
This adventure is still ongoing, I'll be sure to post more Clyde Stories if you liked this one. Why he hasn't been banned from both yet, I have no idea, but it makes for amazing tales.

This may have been brought up before, but as a hack and slash lover myself, I personally can see a lot of potential in further building upon the melee aspect of the game. We already have perks that coincide with melee combat with dashes, stun breaking, and vampirism, so why not build our arsenal with some more brute force brutality? I have thought up a concept weapon for each of the miners that I think fit them conceptually and come with real versatility to make them a worthwhile pick in the game. I'm no balancing expert, but some good old rocks, sticks, and stones never hurt anyone is dwarves didn't want it to. Going right into the weapons themselves now we'll begin with:
Scout: A good old shovel. Basic double swings back and forth with the basic attack and an overhead slam for holding down the attack button. For some extra spice it can do more slam damage based on dwarven velocity on impact. If an alt fire feature is added besides the pickaxe it could be used to jab the shovel into a surface and hang from it, using a free hand to mine still until pulling it out to fall back to the ground.
Gunner: Rocket Axe. Big, slow, arcing strikes better for horde clear. Charged attack is a larger swing that spits burning fuel in a wide arc that could open up some cool overclock features. If alt fire is added it could have a thruster jump that grants added mobility by launching a short distance in the direction you're facing.
Driller: Big Stone block on a stick. This massive sledge hammer takes heft, but it's overhead strikes crush heavy armor like hot pie crust. It's charge attack is another slam, but it cracks the air with a concussive blast to stun all those pesky bugs in the immediate surrounding area. This one's potential alt fire is tougher, but a gemstone demolishing, mighty CRACK of swing that can instantly mine a slightly-larger-than-dwarf sized area despite hardness might be a good fit considering the weight of this weapon and slow start up speeds for swinging.
Engineer: This guy wants to show off more plasma know-how with a laser whip. This little metal rod emits a long beam of hot, beard scorching, purple plasma. With quick, standard whip strikes as it's basic attack it may not seem like much more than a hot laser pointer, but it gets a bit fancier with it's charged attack. It comes out as a twirl of the whip to sting anything close by after a short charge, or a straight, long, whip crack at full charge with a heavy damaging sweet spot at the tip. As far as the alt, a grapple that you swing on rather than being pulled to. How does it work? Management knows and that's what's important. Alternatively if engine limitations don't allow, the two charge attacks can be separated into the charge and alt.
Anyways, those are my weapon concepts for a melee update. I feel the primary slot would be a better place for them to make an impact, so to say, as we already have the pickaxe, drills, and boomerangs (which feels martial enough) in secondary, tertiary, and mandatory slots already. I tried to make things that would fit in a space between Deep Rock's technology and overall dwarven lore. Remember, ranged combat is known to be the way of leaf lovers, hence why they send robots instead of fighting us head on. I, for one, would be excited and honored to show my physical prowess and strength in the name of DRG.
FOR ROCK AND STONE!

I'm really grateful that i found this subreddit. I feel for the first time i can relate to people who go through the same what I'm going through.
I had an accident and fractured my skull when i was 8 i'm 36 now, i was paralyzed and was out for 3 weeks.
Having a tbi at that age i don't remember how i was before and for my family in their eyes i just got a bit quieter but nothing was alarming. the Dr said i was fine based on scans.
I've been struggling and suffering fitting it as i never thought it has anything to do with tbi and having it at that age i just grew with it and became my reality.. I had troubles with friendships even up until now i don't hang out with friends that often and when i do i keep it short because i have extreme light sensitivity and sensory overload and the more i hang out the more my brain shuts down.. looking back at times where i hung out in bright indoors places and my brain was shut, i couldn't talk, think or walk the i beat my self up when someone see me in that state.. i beat my self up everyday and asking what the fuck is wrong with me ..I kept pushing till i got my bachelors degree in engineering 2.4 gpa but no complaints lol. Then tried to work with my degree but anywhere i worked it would be bright factories and i just froze, i gave it a year then i got fired.. Didn't have the gut to tell my mom at that point as she was pushing me to work as my father just passed away, i couldn't take it i needed a fresh start i came to the USA 10 years ago. I got MBA then married then opend a buisness then had a daughter. I knew no one would hire me and i worked day and night not to let the opportunity go away as it was all what i got. Business grew buti couldn't scale it as i should as i struggled to communicate with employees and it never went past me and my wife.
During high school till 2020 i'f take bunch of different things, when i was young i took a lot of weed and alcohol which did help but later in my 20's my body couldn't take it as i became borderline alcoholic and got terrible hang over from both weed and alcohol. Took ton of caffeine, aspirin, advil and Tylenol till got ulcer then my body couldn't take it anymore.
2020 i finally started to come around that i have to go to to see a neurologist. immediately i was told i was diagnosed disabled. . got prescribed 4 medicines in the course of a year and left me like a crack head. till at the end gave me botox and i found mushroom micro dose to get me off the medicine and both helped a lot. i still take Botox 4 times a year up until now.
2022 had my first mushroom trip and i finally got out of this delusional denial self hate pattern and finally with conviction admitted that have something wrong me me and i'm not normal compared to others, i cried for couple of hours during the trip.
Took 4 trips in the course of last 2 years, i really helped me to adapt with my condition and find way to better my life for me and my family but still wasn't sure if it was the tbi 100% up until i found this group and i started relating. While the trip was so insightful i still having a hard times after all of those years to accept myself, still beat my self up over a hang out where people see me acting different from them. I'm going through therapy but i feel they don't get it and was hoping for tips from you guys.
Thank you for you time and sorry for the long post:)

Hey everyone, I’m mainly doing this for myself as a journal but whoever wants to join along is more than welcome to me. I’m hoping this becomes a success story and for my quality of life to stop being haunted. YOU DONT HAVE TO READ ALL OF THIS
I’m a 22 year old female in the US. I currently don’t have a job as I have been let go yesterday due to my unsuspecting symptoms and lack of communication. I can’t keep up with the regular 9-5 jobs and it’s turning into a pattern of me burning myself out. I don’t have anybody to rely on other than myself and I can’t get afford health insurance at the moment.
Current Symptoms: - Extreme Fatigue/Exhaustion - SouCurdling/Spicy tummy feeling? - Nausea/Contractions (especially after physical activity and eating or drinking) - Bloating/Gas/Gurgling -Rancid Smelling Poop - Acne - Regurgitating oil/grease - Recurrent yeast - Brain Fog/Confusion - Urinary Incontinence - Body Rashes/Allergic Reactions -Sugar Cravings - Migraines - Cotten Mouth/Dehydration - Malabsorption/Continual Hunger - Thinning Hair - Weight Loss - Weak Pelvic Floor? Tight/Tense Muscles? - Food in Stools (Not often) - Drunkness Feeling After Carbs? - Acid Reflux - Depression/Anxiety - Weak Immune System
Food Sensitivities that have developed: - Dairy -Gluten - Soy - Gastric foods/spices/drinks (including onion and garlic) - Processed Foods - Broths - Sugar (Fruit and All) - Starch - Acid (Fruits/Vinegars) - Medications (NSAIDS/Anti-Acids)
Tried treatments that I can remember: -Xifaxin (2 weeks) - Ortho Molecular Ortho Spore (2-3 months worked wonders but relapsed) -Dietitian: Low Fodmap Diet (3 months didn’t help) - Reuteri - B12, VitD, other vitamin supplements - Physical Therapy - Fluconazole - Boric Acid -Laxatives (basically all) - Collagen Peptides - Plant Based Protein Powder - Yoga
Most of Background: So I have been dealing with different illnesses that is a repeated pattern since I was possibly 12 years old. I would frequently have nasty migraines, stomach bugs, food poisoning, and respiratory infections out of the blue. It gotten to the point of my family always saying “there’s always something wrong with you”, “you’re just exaggerating”.
When it came to 2017, I started gaining rashes as allergic reactions. It couldn’t be classified as hives even though it looked the part because it would sting like a bitch instead of itching. It would run through out my body whenever I ate every so often and that was only on of the reactions as I had a second of my skin swelling as if it was a mosquito bite but worse and when the swelling went down, it would leave scars behind.
I went to an allergist and nothing popped up on the regular tests, but something popped up on the chemical patch test. The name of the chemical was called Balsam of Peru, it’s mainly a preservative that is in your common foods/beverages, cleaning products, and aerosols. I continued to have random allergic reactions here and there as it wasn’t feasible to follow a diet that strict in a household like mine.
Then came the end of 2019, I was having trouble with my stomach and would randomly gag from November til Jan 2020. I would literally start throwing up even if I had nothing in my stomach. I went to doctors but they kept thinking I was pregnant and would say my vitals were fine therefore there’s nothing wrong. One day mid Jan, I had throw up for the last time but there was something different..I couldn’t get up. I lost all strength in my legs and half of my strength in my arms. I went to the hospital and they did X-rays and scans just to say there was nothing wrong and it might be a virus that hit my nervous system. The next day they boot me out with nothing. I had to learn how to walk all over again like a baby until I gained my strength with only the help of my family which took about a month. Throughout that time I was still feeling sick and gagging/throwing up.
This is the point when my mom decides to get a referral to a GI and they look through my records from the hospital to find out I was backed up with waste up to my ribs. They did a horrifying flush on me and prescribed me linzess. It was getting me to poop more frequently but I still was feeling pretty sick often, it was manageable though.
I get to college, it was a shit show, I start to get more symptoms, like brain fog and fatigue. I thought it was all in my head at this point and tried my best in school but had low performance when I was used to easy A’s. I began to have yeast infections every so often. I start getting into vaping, smoking weed, and the occasional drinking. The vaping became chronic and whenever I would drink I would have alcohol poisoning like symptoms that were uncontrollable to the point where a couple of times I ended up in the hospital to get my stomach to stop contracting. I stopped all drinking and started becoming a religious smoker to deal with my symptoms, school, work, and every other stress in my life. All it did was make my health plummet even faster.
I finally got diagnosed with SIBO at the end of 2021 and thought “finally something!”, the GI thought to cure it was to give more laxatives to get my bowels to move more frequently. Instead it would turn me into a balloon that was about to burst but could not push anything out. The GI gave up anf I decided to move on. At this point I had to take a break from school because I was so tired whenever I woke up in the morning that I either slept completely through my alarms or I couldn’t physically get up out of bed. I constantly was having stomach issues. My yeast infections started coming at least 2x a month. I had so bad urinary incontinence that I had to wear diapers. I was dealing with so much stress with family, working, trying to make ends meet, trying different doctors that never helped and telling me different things. I was dealing with a psychologically abusive bf. Nobody believed how bad I felt everyday. How hard it was for me to eat, think, overall function like a human being. My bf seen it everyday but refused to acknowledge that when he says he understood that his actions would always say otherwise. It all mentally broke me and I crashed hard.
This brings me to practically the present. I cut contact with the EX bf and parents. I’m low contact with the rest of my family. I quit vaping for good, but the damage is already done. I am now on Wellbutrin and trying to pick up the pieces that are shattered. It’s been 6 months but my symptoms are worsening instead of getting better. I can’t hold down a 9-5 job, my stomach can’t and won’t tolerate anything. I starve myself most days, drink water and electrolyte drinks whenever my stomach take it.
Everyday I feel weak, exhausted, brain fog so bad that I can’t count to 5, stomach hurt. The last thing that made me question my entire existence, Saturday night I was starving so I made rice thinking it was the safest thing. The next morning I felt so drunk that I couldn’t function, I was so dehydrated and in so much pain I went to urgent care. The doctor looked at me as if I was on drugs, refused iv, and told me my symptoms were caused by trauma, it’s all in my head. She refused a work note as well. I felt a tad bit better after some electrolytes from home and went to sleep for work. I slept through my alarms and woke up 2.5 hrs late (total 14 hrs). I couldn’t move my body, text manager. She called after the shift explaining that she isn’t letting me go because of my illness, bc I failed to tell her about the day prior so she could plan accordingly. She wants me to focus on my health, it would’ve been kind if I wasn’t already drowning in debt and couldn’t even afford rent.
The reason why I wrote everything I could is because 1. I believe a lot of this is relevant to each other regarding SIBO and Candida in some way 2. It will help me for my future
If you made it this far CONGRATS 🎉🎊 🥳 And thank you for the support!

Maytag MDB4949SHZ 1
Hello, I have been in a battle with my dishwasher, I feel like I’m going insane. Let me lay out the steps of what I’ve done so far.

1. The dishwasher kept cancelling itself mid-cycle, water was coming, would clean dishes, but would just “cancel” partway through. Worst part was, it wasn’t repeatable, it seemed random. It would even sometimes finish cycles like maybe 5% of the time.
   
2. Repair guy comes out, charges $105 to “diagnose”, he runs the diagnostic lights and it says it’s a float issue. He told me was the float solenoid is bad, it’s making a multimeter beep but that the button is too sensitive and that may cause it to trigger, I ordered a new one anyway cause it was cheap and easy. Looking back, the button was too easy to push down, so that should, if anything, make it HARDER to cancel as more weight would need to come off the switch to un-press the button.
   
3. I change the float solenoid. Once I do, the dishwasher will not take in water. Whole new problem. It sounds likes it running, there is a hum, it is going through the cycle, but you can hear there’s no water spraying and dishes aren’t getting wet. I read up and learn that water inlet valves go bad. My multimeter won’t beep when I test it, though it reads numbers. I order one, change it, still same problem, and the new ones are similar, they don’t beep but they read numbers. It probably wasn’t bad in the first place.
   
4. Since the dishwasher has now done 2 things wrong that seem unrelated (canceling randomly and now no water) I order a new control board. I change it out, I run it, same exact issue. No water coming in. Run diagnostics, same float switch error code. I know the float switch is pressed down like it should. It’s sending a signal.
   

So now I’m thinking it’s the water pump. The water pump is hard to reach, $260, and wouldn’t explain the canceling mid cycle or why it’s calling for a float switch error code. Does anyone have any advice to fix it? Or is it a “cut your losses dummy, just buy a dishwasher.”
Thanks in advance.

Hey everyone, I’m mainly doing this for myself as a journal but whoever wants to join along is more than welcome to me. I’m hoping this becomes a success story and for my quality of life to stop being haunted. YOU DONT HAVE TO READ ALL OF THIS
I’m a 22 year old female in the US. I currently don’t have a job as I have been let go yesterday due to my unsuspecting symptoms and lack of communication. I can’t keep up with the regular 9-5 jobs and it’s turning into a pattern of me burning myself out. I don’t have anybody to rely on other than myself and I can’t get afford health insurance at the moment.
Current Symptoms: - Extreme Fatigue/Exhaustion - SouCurdling/Spicy tummy feeling? - Nausea/Contractions (especially after physical activity and eating or drinking) - Bloating/Gas/Gurgling -Rancid Smelling Poop - Acne - Regurgitating oil/grease - Recurrent yeast - Brain Fog/Confusion - Urinary Incontinence - Body Rashes/Allergic Reactions -Sugar Cravings - Migraines - Cotten Mouth/Dehydration - Malabsorption/Continual Hunger - Thinning Hair - Weight Loss - Weak Pelvic Floor? Tight/Tense Muscles? - Food in Stools (Not often) - Drunkness Feeling After Carbs? - Acid Reflux - Depression/Anxiety - Weak Immune System
Food Sensitivities that have developed: - Dairy -Gluten - Soy - Gastric foods/spices/drinks (including onion and garlic) - Processed Foods - Broths - Sugar (Fruit and All) - Starch - Acid (Fruits/Vinegars) - Medications (NSAIDS/Anti-Acids)
Tried treatments that I can remember: -Xifaxin (2 weeks) - Ortho Molecular Ortho Spore (2-3 months worked wonders but relapsed) -Dietitian: Low Fodmap Diet (3 months didn’t help) - Reuteri - B12, VitD, other vitamin supplements - Physical Therapy - Fluconazole - Boric Acid -Laxatives (basically all) - Collagen Peptides - Plant Based Protein Powder - Yoga
Most of Background: So I have been dealing with different illnesses that is a repeated pattern since I was possibly 12 years old. I would frequently have nasty migraines, stomach bugs, food poisoning, and respiratory infections out of the blue. It gotten to the point of my family always saying “there’s always something wrong with you”, “you’re just exaggerating”.
When it came to 2017, I started gaining rashes as allergic reactions. It couldn’t be classified as hives even though it looked the part because it would sting like a bitch instead of itching. It would run through out my body whenever I ate every so often and that was only on of the reactions as I had a second of my skin swelling as if it was a mosquito bite but worse and when the swelling went down, it would leave scars behind.
I went to an allergist and nothing popped up on the regular tests, but something popped up on the chemical patch test. The name of the chemical was called Balsam of Peru, it’s mainly a preservative that is in your common foods/beverages, cleaning products, and aerosols. I continued to have random allergic reactions here and there as it wasn’t feasible to follow a diet that strict in a household like mine.
Then came the end of 2019, I was having trouble with my stomach and would randomly gag from November til Jan 2020. I would literally start throwing up even if I had nothing in my stomach. I went to doctors but they kept thinking I was pregnant and would say my vitals were fine therefore there’s nothing wrong. One day mid Jan, I had throw up for the last time but there was something different..I couldn’t get up. I lost all strength in my legs and half of my strength in my arms. I went to the hospital and they did X-rays and scans just to say there was nothing wrong and it might be a virus that hit my nervous system. The next day they boot me out with nothing. I had to learn how to walk all over again like a baby until I gained my strength with only the help of my family which took about a month. Throughout that time I was still feeling sick and gagging/throwing up.
This is the point when my mom decides to get a referral to a GI and they look through my records from the hospital to find out I was backed up with waste up to my ribs. They did a horrifying flush on me and prescribed me linzess. It was getting me to poop more frequently but I still was feeling pretty sick often, it was manageable though.
I get to college, it was a shit show, I start to get more symptoms, like brain fog and fatigue. I thought it was all in my head at this point and tried my best in school but had low performance when I was used to easy A’s. I began to have yeast infections every so often. I start getting into vaping, smoking weed, and the occasional drinking. The vaping became chronic and whenever I would drink I would have alcohol poisoning like symptoms that were uncontrollable to the point where a couple of times I ended up in the hospital to get my stomach to stop contracting. I stopped all drinking and started becoming a religious smoker to deal with my symptoms, school, work, and every other stress in my life. All it did was make my health plummet even faster.
I finally got diagnosed with SIBO at the end of 2021 and thought “finally something!”, the GI thought to cure it was to give more laxatives to get my bowels to move more frequently. Instead it would turn me into a balloon that was about to burst but could not push anything out. The GI gave up anf I decided to move on. At this point I had to take a break from school because I was so tired whenever I woke up in the morning that I either slept completely through my alarms or I couldn’t physically get up out of bed. I constantly was having stomach issues. My yeast infections started coming at least 2x a month. I had so bad urinary incontinence that I had to wear diapers. I was dealing with so much stress with family, working, trying to make ends meet, trying different doctors that never helped and telling me different things. I was dealing with a psychologically abusive bf. Nobody believed how bad I felt everyday. How hard it was for me to eat, think, overall function like a human being. My bf seen it everyday but refused to acknowledge that when he says he understood that his actions would always say otherwise. It all mentally broke me and I crashed hard.
This brings me to practically the present. I cut contact with the EX bf and parents. I’m low contact with the rest of my family. I quit vaping for good, but the damage is already done. I am now on Wellbutrin and trying to pick up the pieces that are shattered. It’s been 6 months but my symptoms are worsening instead of getting better. I can’t hold down a 9-5 job, my stomach can’t and won’t tolerate anything. I starve myself most days, drink water and electrolyte drinks whenever my stomach take it.
Everyday I feel weak, exhausted, brain fog so bad that I can’t count to 5, stomach hurt. The last thing that made me question my entire existence, Saturday night I was starving so I made rice thinking it was the safest thing. The next morning I felt so drunk that I couldn’t function, I was so dehydrated and in so much pain I went to urgent care. The doctor looked at me as if I was on drugs, refused iv, and told me my symptoms were caused by trauma, it’s all in my head. She refused a work note as well. I felt a tad bit better after some electrolytes from home and went to sleep for work. I slept through my alarms and woke up 2.5 hrs late (total 14 hrs). I couldn’t move my body, text manager. She called after the shift explaining that she isn’t letting me go because of my illness, bc I failed to tell her about the day prior so she could plan accordingly. She wants me to focus on my health, it would’ve been kind if I wasn’t already drowning in debt and couldn’t even afford rent.
The reason why I wrote everything I could is because 1. I believe a lot of this is relevant to each other regarding SIBO and Candida in some way 2. It will help me for my future
If you made it this far CONGRATS 🎉🎊 🥳 And thank you for the support!

Long story short. Gay 19 year old brother is dating a 50 year old man and I'm the only one who has any issue with it.
I'm the eldest of 8. I'm a bi man (31) married to a bi man (35) It took my parents a few years to accept my attraction but they managed to get over it.
My youngest brother is gay and luckily for him I came first so his coming out was far cleaner. He's 19 and has his first boyfriend. Our parents had already seen his boyfriend but my husband and I met him for the first time, last Saturday.
I'm not a prude (well maybe a little) but we came in and inside sitting down was a guy in his early 50s. I assumed they had a neighbour over until my bro introduced us. My husband knows him (not sexually).
I've hooked up with older guys. It can be hot but a 19 year old DATING a 50+ year old, I'm sorry like what? In what world is that OK and my parents just nodding along.
I spoke to our parents when the "couple" went out to buy wine for dinner (wine my brother can't even legally drink yet) and they were like they would prefer a younger date but it's his life and they learned from their mistakes with me. I was taken aback. Like sorry not accepting me being bi is not the same thing as not accepting a 30+ year gap where one is just an adult. My father was like cut it out. This is the way it is. If he's happy we support him. Tbh dad just didn't want to picture the relationship, imo.
I went out to my husband and he said ah your brothers safe. He's a nice guy. Stop over-reacting. So I calmed down and they came back we had dinner and played a few games and then i found out my brother is LIVING with him and no one saw an issue with it. I'm sorry but like when did I become the most judgey here.
The minute they left, I said so there's a 19 year old boy, in college, dating a 50+ year old man and living with him and no one sees a problem with it. He's basically a dependent of him and what is that man getting in return? My father said youre disgusting and just so you know he took time out of college. How does that make it better?. My mother said its probably hard, given how we treated you, to see us learn and give him an easier time. I was stunned to silence.
On the car trip home, the husband said it wasn't cool turning your parents against him. Let him be happy and I was like okaaaaaaaay.
And no its not because im jealous of how they treated me differently. Im delighted he didnt face what i got. I spoke to one of my sisters who met them the day after. She said the age gap is a bit weird but that's usual amongst gay men and the man seems to care about him what more do you want.
Honestly someone needs to get me a straight jacket because I think I might be going crazy or maybe I should just go full on MAGA2024 or something (that's a joke) and live amongst the conservatives
Edit: my father did say his only issue is hed rather if he dated a black person, we are black/Latino. I was like that's your problem. He could date a blue guy as long as there wasn't that age gap. My mother told me off for mocking the dead. I wasn't mocking the dead. Honestly.
Just got an message 🤣🤣. I'm not even going to say what it is but do you know what I don't care about it anymore. He's not my kid. I've done my bit as has his twin brother. The yes men can fix it when it goes off the rails.

He emailed the store, asking for recommendations, prices etc on some gear. A colleague (I'll call Bob) replied with a list of stuff he recommended.
The guy replied asking for a quote for that stuff so he could pay with a direct deposit. He wanted the quote sent to a different email and he let us know the email.
I replied this time, essentially telling him he can just buy the stuff online since it's a lot easier.
He replies again, asking for a quote again, specifying again that he wanted it sent to a different email.
Bob replies again, saying "it's a lot easier to buy it online since we can ship it immediately afterwards, if you pay with a direct deposit then we have to wait for the funds to clear", but he never said he wouldn't do the quote, he just tried to convince the customer to do it online to make everybody's lives easier.
Afterwards, the guy called the store. I picked up, and this was the conversation:
C: I need to speak to Bob
Me: unfortunately Bob went home for the day (which was true), how can I help?
C: (very angry and aggressively) I've been speaking to Bob in the emails and he's refusing to give me a quote, and not only that he keeps sending emails to my work email and not my personal email! My wife sees my work email and now I'm fucked because she knows I'm buying stuff I shouldn't be! I asked him repeatedly to use my personal email but he never did! I'm so fucking pissed off!
Me: Bob never refused to do the quote, he just told you it's easier to do it online, but not once did he say he wouldn't do it. If you just replied saying "it has to be a quote, can't do it online", then he would have done it.
C: Doesn't change the fact that he's been emailing the wrong email, I don't even know how he got that email?
Me: ....what? He-
C: I asked him repeatedly to email my personal email, but he didn't!
Me: If communicating through that email was so important to you, why didn't you just email us from that email? That way replies would have gone to that email.
C: I FUCKING WAS EMAILING YOU FROM MY PERSONAL EMAIL, BUT YOUR REPLIES KEPT GOING TO MY WORK EMAIL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU GOT MY WORK EMAIL.
At that point, I realised I was speaking to a genuine idiot. He was emailing us from his work email, and we were replying to his work email, and he was confused as to how we knew his work email.
Confidently stupid is painfully tedious.
I just wrapped up the conversation after that because I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere with him. The entire thing was behind his wife's back though, that's why he couldn't buy stuff online. He didn't want her to see the transaction on their account so he was just going to withdraw some cash, go down to our bank and transfer the money. I don't know why she's controlling over their money, but after speaking with him for just a few minutes, I agree with her completely.
This guy is just the tip of the iceberg though. Sometimes I feel like selling archery gear attracts the idiots because we just get so many fucking morons that make me want to rip my tongue out so I don't have to talk to them. That could just be confirmation bias though, perhaps because I see the idiots more I feel like they're a higher majority of our customer base than what they are.

Hi everyone. I dont have any friends. I can work a phone, i have you folk. I um.. im sorry im still rambling. Ive being struggling with my mental health for the longest time. Im on the cusp of turning 40, my mum and dad have been living seprately for 4 years now. I grew up watching her being mentally and physically being abused when i was child. I am the second youngest of five siblings. My two elder sisters also tried killing my younger sister when she was 7 by threatening to throw her out of a window until an outsider in the street called the police. I remember my father beating them and my mum up. It still traumitises me.
I wish i did more. Everyone is grown up and distant from each other now. My sister who suffered, is going threw a painful divorce. She has two children, she asked me if i could attend court to give a fair statement on how her husband beat her up and threatened her and the kids would be made homeless if anyone spoke up.
In october 31st of 2021 i recieved a call from her saying he threatened her with a knife, i went over and the police were called that evening. An arrest was made, he was bailed out and stayed with his parents. She called the homeless shelter and was moved to a private accomodation 4 weeks later.
She wanted a full divorce with full custody of the children. Now the court dates have being going on for 3 years. Im the only one of my sibling who attends. The so called elder siblings choose not tot attend nor even keep any contact with her. It trully sickens me. I ve been struggling my own mental health for the longest time. Lets say 15 years. Im sorry but where i come from , in our culture these issues are shunned upon. Im only human. I recently had a mental breakdown in public. A bystander helped me get tranport to visit my sister. I was in a drunken state in front of her kids. I remember getting the cab home that night i do remember telling her eldest that saying im sorry i couldnt do anything sooner. My sister text me the next day saying she and the kids were saddened to see me in that state. She said .. she says that I told me niece i often have suicidal thoughts.. I apoligised and said ive been struggling with my mental health and anxiety for quite some time. I also said i wish our older elder siblingswere there to help her yet they arent.
She said she is saddened that things have turned out this way. Yet she cant see me till im sober ..it just isnt that easy for me. She is good person, she just had bad luck . I feel like a total failure , i wish i couldve given her financial support. I love her kids like me own. I suppose them knowing im struggling with trauma and regret wouldve come out yet i never imagined it would be in this way with me typing my words on a forum. Yet here we are. I know this is alotttt... .. ... im mentally spent .. where do i go.. ..? Xx
My hearts truly broken.

so im pretty new to the dev side of life, im working on an app that im keeping somewhat secret for now as i think it may have some potential.
But anyway, im working in gemini creative studio, and ive built the back end with training, prompts etc. - and it basically gives you the code to plug in to the front end. but i dont have any clue how to develop the front end AND connect it to the model. And whether its better to take a domain and have it be html or an app.
So if anyone has any good resources for learning such things, or already has some exp and would want to work together let me know. The basic premise is it will be a simple front end allowing you to input or upload a file, then you get a specific response. thanks!

So disclaimer this is everything my roommate did when she lived with me from my perspective. Also this is a really long story because a lot happened, and I do tend to get sidetracked.
Before we became roommates, I had a situationship with this guy. Let’s call him John. John and I met in our first semester of college and hit it off right off the bat. John was a mutual friend of me and my psychotic roommate, which is how we were introduced. Let’s call her Shortstack. So Shortstack knew I had a thing for John, and was encouraging us to start a relationship which I thought was nice. Eventually, though, when there was a lull in our relationship she admitted to liking John, and I backed off because it was looking like a relationship between me and John wasn’t gonna happen. I did my best to subtly wingman and they ended up dating.
Right before they made it official, I had met someone new. We’ll call him Tim (I’m trying to use generic/default guy names to keep some anonymity). Tim and I hit it off right off the bat. He’s honestly the most genuine, talented, thoughtful, and interesting guy I’ve ever met. Anyway, right before John and Shortstack started dating, I got a text from Shortstack saying she had the hots for Tim and asked if I he was free game. I was a bit bothered by that, but she respected my answer when I politely told her that Tim and I had something good and I didn’t want anyone interfering. At least, I THOUGHT she respected my answer.
Almost a year later and I had asked Shortstack if she wanted to be my roommate so we could both live near school while not having to live on campus. Worst decision ever.
She moved in before I did, and when it was my turn to move in the place was an absolute disaster. Dirty clothes and empty Dominos boxes covered the floor. She had also set up her decorations all over the entire apartment (not really leaving any room for me, which was made worse by the fact that we shared a room, and the apartment was very tiny so we were basically living on top of each other). I brushed it off, but it never really got any better. Normally I wouldn’t be too upset, I’m not a huge neat freak or anything, but it peeved me that she would always point out any mess that I had made.
Here’s a list of some of her really gross habits: dirty underwear everywhere kept old dominos boxes everywhere would buy salads and let them expire and they would sit there until I took them out Refused to do any chores or contribute in any way our shower didn’t fully drain so hair was often left in the tub, but she never cleaned up after herself (meaning I was scrubbing her pubes out of the tub) Used tissues would be left on the ground Not flushing I never once saw her do laundry in the 6 months we lived together
I’m sure there’s more but these are just the ones that I remember. To be fair, here were my gross she took issue with: Leaving dishes in the sink for a long-ass time Letting my laundry basket overflow Walking around in a towel after I took a shower, even when her tinder dates were over (mostly cuz I didn’t give a shit and everything was covered, but I also understand that her glares when I would do that were a little deserved).
That was the easiest part of living with her that I had to deal with. It got so so so much worse, and slowly she started to reveal her true colours.
She had a job at a jewelry store, got fired. Moved to a job at a grocery store across the street, got fired. Bummed around for a few weeks, mostly just sitting on the couch doing arts and crafts. Tried a Zumba class, quit after 2 sessions. Finally she got hired at a movie theatre, but she would only work Friday and weekends. All the while a lot of new things were appearing in our apartment. New makeup, a makeup chair, a tiny plastic Dreamhouse, posters and picture frames, lights, you name it. She was also buying premade meals and continued to order Dominos and DoorDash, never making her own food.
That’s around the time I found a buried letter from our landlord saying she was 2 months behind on rent. (Also an honorable mention about her RGB lights, she would keep them on while I was trying to sleep, even when I had work in the morning which was most days and she’d throw a little hissy fit whenever I asked her to turn them off because it was midnight and I had to get up in a couple hours).
She would constantly be having guys over, but would never tell me, so I’d always come home to a stranger on our couch and I’d uncomfortably lock myself in our room. Walls were thin so I had to listen to her awful flirting and occasionally kissing noises. She had made a goal for herself to kiss at least 30 guys so she could write a book about it, one chapter for each guy. It’s funny because the book is coming out soon, I’m not gonna share the name because I don’t wanna promote an incel’s diary but if you happen to be one of the guys she wrote about, just know that she has said several times her type is “Generic kinda ugly white guys.” I don’t think that’s her type, I think she just says that because all of the super attractive guys she went after all shot her down so quick.
While she’s collecting “ugly-ish white guys” (her words), she has promised herself to some dude in the military overseas who has a ring with their initials carved into it (his name is Matt. I’m not censoring that because I genuinely hope he sees this even though chances are insanely slim. She’s Jodie-ing you my guy, and she wants to elope and marry you to piss her parents off and for financial benefits because she can’t keep a job).
ONTOP of all this, Tim (who at this point I had been with for over a year) would come over and visit sometimes. She was always miserable, but perked up and suddenly became so sweet and friendly whenever he was there. Tim kept trying to drop some social cues that he did not want to talk to her, but she ignored it. I also want to mention that Tim is incredibly attractive, physically and personality wise, which is the main reason I think that “ugly” isn’t actually her type, it’s just all she can get.
Oh quick mention one of her tinder guys was 17. She was close to 20 at the time. She said their age gap made her uncomfortable but she invited him over because she wanted to, and I quote, “lick his abs.” Take that as you will.
My breaking point with her was when I woke up one day with a random man in the room sleeping next to her. She let a random man from tinder have full unsupervised access to 2 unconscious girls and all of their valuable items. There’s more stuff she did but this is already super long so I’m going to leave it on this note. Let me know if you guys wanna hear the rest.

and i do too, as a result i guess. (this is gonna be a long one, sorry guys.)
growing up, and still now, i’ve always been the ugly younger sister to my older sister. in middle/ highschool, guys would come up to me telling ME to tell my sister that they thought she looked beautiful that day. i also got asked out as a joke up even in my SENIOR YEAR of highschool bruh 😭. everyone around us would constantly compare me to her, since we’re only a year and a half apart and had the same neighborhood friend group. i’ve had multiple guys tell me that they would like me better if i were more like my sister (and i obviously know it’s because of our looks), point out my flaws, and call me ugly to my face. she constantly gets compliments from family and strangers coming up to talk to her while i’m just…there lol. she was also my dad’s favorite child so she got better treatment too, so i’ve just always felt incompetent compared to her since its all anyone has ever made me feel (i always felt like he only liked her better since she looked better too bc she got into a lot more bs than i did 🫢…yet i was the one always getting punished). my mom and my sister bond over how many guys want them and try to talk to them and i just feel so out of place. overall, people are just naturally drawn to her and deter from me and it makes me just want to hide and honestly kms.
everyone thinks highly of her even though she really isn’t that great of a person. i don’t mean to get too bitter but she’s really judgmental and rude, even to me as her younger sister. she would make fun of my looks just as those kids at school would, so i’ve never been secure in my looks or felt pretty. and because everyone around us was so receptive to her, they would tag along and do it too (especially my cousins). its one thing to be made fun of by dumb kids at school, and a complete other thing when its your family members that you have to go home to—i never had an escape and still deal w this when i come home from college breaks. i dont know why she STILL does it, i guess to reinforce that she’s better than me since everyone puts her on a high horse?? i never felt like she was there for me as an older sister should be, but that’s another story.
anyway, i’m just so tired of everything. i hate being the way that i am. all my parents ask about is my love life since, in their eyes, i guess i’ve satisfied them in every other way. i don’t drink or party or have sex (obviously) or fool around with guys— i just focus on school while i’m away at college. i’m ‘pure’ but not voluntarily. i’ve just never had any opportunities to really do these things bc of my looks and mental illness. the only thing i have going for me is my smarts ngl i am very proud of that 💪🏽💪🏽. i graduated highschool 2 years early and have always been pretty good at school without rlly trying? i just have good memory i think, which is probably trauma induced.
all anyone asks me about is if i have a bf and it just seems like they’re mocking me. and they just try to make it seem like i’m turning down guys and that i actually have ppl interested in me and that i just have high standards. but when i say nobody wants me, i mean NOBODY. i’ve never been approached or anything, only made fun of and laughed at. and they try to bring up that bs abt being ‘intimidating’.
i’ve gone through phases of hyperfocusing on my looks and trying hyperfemme styles to appeal to men, trying to have a bubblie extroverted personality, or even dumbing myself down and it has never worked. no matter what i do, nobody will love me in a romantic sense (or even a friendship sense, i’ve been feeling lately), so now i just dress in a more masc/ tomboy-esque style so i feel more comfortable, but my mom tells me that i probably wont get a bf dressing like a boy lol.
nobody could ever love me as i am, nobody could ever be interested in me truly without just settling for me. i naturally isolate myself bc i love alone time, but also bc i just don’t deserve to take up space and nobody cares about me anyways. its already difficult for me to make friends, so a bf just seems out of the equation for me.
i’m trying to learn to be okay with my looks and the fact that i am not appealing to men, but it’s so hard when everyone only cares about how you look and how you’re with. all i’ve ever wanted was to be like my sister. the only thing ppl compliment me on is my smarts and i’m only used for my assignment answers, but really none of that matters if you’re pretty. ppl will naturally listen to you and pay attention to you and treat you decently if you’re pretty— they don’t even care if you’re insufferable as a person or anything.
and i hate it when ppl who have only ever felt loved and appreciated their whole lives try to tell those of us who’ve been less lucky that we should just love ourselves and not speak down to ourselves by calling ourselves undesirable or unattractive. like of course its going to be easy for you to understand and believe that you’re lovable and attractive and desirable when you have had proof of it— we can’t just get rid of the things we’ve heard growing up and forget them, they literally shape how we think about ourselves naturally. and i think it’s better to just be honest about the way that i look and the way that i am, i am just never going to be that pretty girl like my sister. i’m never going to have that coming-of-age movie life. it hurts but i can learn to live with it.
i hate this so much i don’t know how much longer i can keep doing this. but imma thug this shit out and embrace my strangeness and peculiarity 🙂‍↕️.
so sorry for this gargantuan passage and i hope it actually makes sense.
TLDR: i’m angry and bitter

Ascalamualkum everyone. Just want to share what I feel, cause I feel really down from the past few days. Idk what I want from this, just want to post it lol, will delete probably like always I post and feel like 2 hours later, I'm being un thankful.
I'm not complaining at all, just want to share my feelings.
Idk what it is but I really have like nostalgic feelings. I miss my old days, and just beings tears in my eyes to think about it. It's like my chest is heavy.
About 3-5 years ago, it's so dumb but I used to have a group chat. I made it on Instagram and got some random people to join. I was like 16ish, didn't know all the rulings of islam and talking to girls and all. I made it and it was like Corona virus time, online classes and all. So I would talk all day, joke, troll, that was like it gave me so much happiness. Like I would wake up for classes and be so excited to massage the group and see what everyone talked about while I was sleeping. I don't know anyone in real life from that group. Want want to tell the names but their were people from 🇿🇦🇨🇦🇮🇳🇵🇰🇸🇦🇺🇸🇬🇧🇦🇫.
Everyone was like 16-20 ish lol.
It was so nice man. After I realized like 2 years later or a year and a half later that it's wrong to talk to females and all, I was like I gotta stop. So I left the group. But then i just couldn't leave, I got back, I left again, and someone added me back, and so on for some time. Eventually I was like I gotta just leave, i started on my prayers and was trying my best, fasting and all, giving dawah etc.. I eventually just left one day. The people kept adding me back but I keep leaving without messaging. Tbh it hurts. I texted my friends evtually like I dont want to talk, but I just felt so down, I would send like salam, how are you to them, would be so happy like they will reply. It's not even about girl or boy, it's just for all of them I felt so happy. Evtually i asked them all the girls like can you delete my chats, and they said sure. One of them would every now and then ask how are you, I'd just keep it simple and reply back. I would get the urge idk why to just ask how they are, I would send the message, 10 mins later check it and unsend it.
Idk why, I still remember stuff from the group. Things we talked about, the people, and even their @s.
Am I just stupid? I feel so dumb and stupid to be crying over that. Idk why I think about it. I just miss it. It makes me feel.so weird to think like right now those people are involved in their lives, doing something totally diffrent, and how everyone has their own lives. It's not just that group. But fir me that group was too big of a deal. I feel so dumb. Like they probably dont even remember, or think about me, why would they. But why am I. Like I can't remove the thoughts.
Ah man. I look at the sky and feel so sad. I miss one of the people in the group, who passed away. It's so wierd like I live in America and I think about it, one of the people, she is from 🇿🇦, it's so wierd like shes all the way on the other side of the planet. She has her life, everyone's life so different, everyone is doing their own thing.
Just what I feel. But not complaining, cause I left it for the sake of Allah.

Ascalamualkum everyone. Just want to share what I feel, cause I feel really down from the past few days. Idk what I want from this, just want to post it lol, will delete probably like always I post and feel like 2 hours later, I'm being un thankful.
I'm not complaining at all, just want to share my feelings.
Idk what it is but I really have like nostalgic feelings. I miss my old days, and just beings tears in my eyes to think about it. It's like my chest is heavy.
About 3-5 years ago, it's so dumb but I used to have a group chat. I made it on Instagram and got some random people to join. I was like 16ish, didn't know all the rulings of islam and talking to girls and all. I made it and it was like Corona virus time, online classes and all. So I would talk all day, joke, troll, that was like it gave me so much happiness. Like I would wake up for classes and be so excited to massage the group and see what everyone talked about while I was sleeping. I don't know anyone in real life from that group. Want want to tell the names but their were people from 🇿🇦🇨🇦🇮🇳🇵🇰🇸🇦🇺🇸🇬🇧🇦🇫.
Everyone was like 16-20 ish lol.
It was so nice man. After I realized like 2 years later or a year and a half later that it's wrong to talk to females and all, I was like I gotta stop. So I left the group. But then i just couldn't leave, I got back, I left again, and someone added me back, and so on for some time. Eventually I was like I gotta just leave, i started on my prayers and was trying my best, fasting and all, giving dawah etc.. I eventually just left one day. The people kept adding me back but I keep leaving without messaging. Tbh it hurts. I texted my friends evtually like I dont want to talk, but I just felt so down, I would send like salam, how are you to them, would be so happy like they will reply. It's not even about girl or boy, it's just for all of them I felt so happy. Evtually i asked them all the girls like can you delete my chats, and they said sure. One of them would every now and then ask how are you, I'd just keep it simple and reply back. I would get the urge idk why to just ask how they are, I would send the message, 10 mins later check it and unsend it.
Idk why, I still remember stuff from the group. Things we talked about, the people, and even their @s.
Am I just stupid? I feel so dumb and stupid to be crying over that. Idk why I think about it. I just miss it. It makes me feel.so weird to think like right now those people are involved in their lives, doing something totally diffrent, and how everyone has their own lives. It's not just that group. But fir me that group was too big of a deal. I feel so dumb. Like they probably dont even remember, or think about me, why would they. But why am I. Like I can't remove the thoughts.
Ah man. I look at the sky and feel so sad. I miss one of the people in the group, who passed away. It's so wierd like I live in America and I think about it, one of the people, she is from 🇿🇦, it's so wierd like shes all the way on the other side of the planet. She has her life, everyone's life so different, everyone is doing their own thing.
Just what I feel. But not complaining, cause I left it for the sake of Allah.

I 29f and my 31m partner have tried for a child for years. One ovarian ectopic and countless miscarriages later we had finally agreed on IVF. A few years back a doctor told us he was the issue with a very slight low count. We did a failed IUI, n continued to try. We planned to do Ivf after but he was always just weird and nervous about it. He then ended up getting someone else pregnant so clearly he wasn’t the problem and it was me. A little context I have been helping him raise his 11yr old since we got together in 2016. I love this boy like my own and always have even when things are said and comments are made to make it clear that I am not his bio mom. ( she lost custody and we have full custody she isn’t a good person). Needless to say I’ve been his mother for years. Then when my husband got the other woman pregnant I was devastated it was a really nasty situation. The baby is now 9months and on the days we have him I raise him like he is mine and I love him as such. But this doesn’t make the want for my own child go away… when I agreed to get back with my husband we had agreed we would do Ivf and he was ready and really wanted it. I was so happy n so ready I have hated myself and my body for not being able to produce a child naturally and with him have having one on me made it even harder. No matter the love I have for the child doesn’t make the pain of failing over n over easier. So when I came back we agreed to do it. N I was ecstatic and so ready for our journey. For the last few months we have been preparing for the process and I’m set to start my injections in 2 days. Well the last few days my husband has been being really weird about the money making comments about how he has two kids n he doesn’t really wanna do this. N how he doesn’t care that I haven’t been able to have kids that we have two already. He then is mad at me telling me that obviously him n the boys aren’t good enough n how would they feel about me wanting another kid acting like they aren’t enough. He then has been weird about paying any of the money ( we definitely can afford it) He then texts me today (he is out of town) and tells me how he thinks is paying the doctors is dumb and how I want this n he doesn’t care. My entire life I have wanted to be a mom when others had ambitions for their career my goal has always been to be a great mother and wife. I wish I would have never got my hopes up I don’t know what to do. I am hurting so bad inside n I feel so let down. He keeps claiming to understand how I feel but he clearly has no clue. The pain of feeling like a failure as a woman is so hard. Then when you have a chance n to have it ripped from under you again is even harder. I just really am so lost and don’t know what to do… any advice? Or anyone been through this?

Ascalamualkum everyone. Just want to share what I feel, cause I feel really down from the past few days. Idk what I want from this, just want to post it lol, will delete probably like always I post and feel like 2 hours later, I'm being un thankful.
I'm not complaining at all, just want to share my feelings.
Idk what it is but I really have like nostalgic feelings. I miss my old days, and just beings tears in my eyes to think about it. It's like my chest is heavy.
About 3-5 years ago, it's so dumb but I used to have a group chat. I made it on Instagram and got some random people to join. I was like 16ish, didn't know all the rulings of islam and talking to girls and all. I made it and it was like Corona virus time, online classes and all. So I would talk all day, joke, troll, that was like it gave me so much happiness. Like I would wake up for classes and be so excited to massage the group and see what everyone talked about while I was sleeping. I don't know anyone in real life from that group. Want want to tell the names but their were people from 🇿🇦🇨🇦🇮🇳🇵🇰🇸🇦🇺🇸🇬🇧🇦🇫.
Everyone was like 16-20 ish lol.
It was so nice man. After I realized like 2 years later or a year and a half later that it's wrong to talk to females and all, I was like I gotta stop. So I left the group. But then i just couldn't leave, I got back, I left again, and someone added me back, and so on for some time. Eventually I was like I gotta just leave, i started on my prayers and was trying my best, fasting and all, giving dawah etc.. I eventually just left one day. The people kept adding me back but I keep leaving without messaging. Tbh it hurts. I texted my friends evtually like I dont want to talk, but I just felt so down, I would send like salam, how are you to them, would be so happy like they will reply. It's not even about girl or boy, it's just for all of them I felt so happy. Evtually i asked them all the girls like can you delete my chats, and they said sure. One of them would every now and then ask how are you, I'd just keep it simple and reply back. I would get the urge idk why to just ask how they are, I would send the message, 10 mins later check it and unsend it.
Idk why, I still remember stuff from the group. Things we talked about, the people, and even their @s.
Am I just stupid? I feel so dumb and stupid to be crying over that. Idk why I think about it. I just miss it. It makes me feel.so weird to think like right now those people are involved in their lives, doing something totally diffrent, and how everyone has their own lives. It's not just that group. But fir me that group was too big of a deal. I feel so dumb. Like they probably dont even remember, or think about me, why would they. But why am I. Like I can't remove the thoughts.
Ah man. I look at the sky and feel so sad. I miss one of the people in the group, who passed away. It's so wierd like I live in America and I think about it, one of the people, she is from 🇿🇦, it's so wierd like shes all the way on the other side of the planet. She has her life, everyone's life so different, everyone is doing their own thing.
Just what I feel. But not complaining, cause I left it for the sake of Allah.

It's essential to focus on continual improvement and resilience. Many successful authors faced rejection before achieving success. J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, received numerous rejections initially. Stephen King's first novel was rejected dozens of times. Agatha Christie, Dr. Seuss, and Margaret Mitchell all encountered rejection before finding success. Remember, rejection is a part of the journey, and perseverance in honing your craft is key. Focus on refining your writing, seeking feedback, and staying persistent in your pursuit.
Here are a few strategies to help navigate the journey as a writer:

1. Persistency: Keep writing and submitting your work. Each rejection can provide valuable lessons and insights into improving your writing. Don't let setbacks deter you from continuing to create.
   
2. Feedback and Improvement: Seek feedback from peers, writing groups, or mentors. Constructive criticism can help identify areas for improvement and guide your growth as a writer.
   
3. Diversify Submissions: Consider submitting your work to various publishers, agents, or literary magazines. Sometimes, a rejection from one might not reflect the response you'll receive from another.
   
4. Stay Motivated: Surround yourself with inspiration. Read books, attend writing workshops, or engage with other creatives to stay motivated and connected within the writing community.
   
5. Self-Care: Take care of your mental and emotional well-being. Rejections can be tough, so it's crucial to practice self-compassion and maintain a healthy perspective on your writing journey.
   

Remember, many renowned authors faced rejection before achieving success. Your persistence, dedication to improvement, and belief in your craft are vital elements that can lead you toward success as a writer.
6Here are a few more tips to help maintain motivation and progress as a writer:

1. Set Realistic Goals: Establish achievable writing goals. Whether it's a daily word count, finishing a chapter, or completing a manuscript by a specific deadline, setting realistic targets can keep you focused and motivated.
   
2. Embrace Revisions: Recognize that writing is rewriting. Embrace the revision process as an opportunity to polish your work. Revisions often lead to stronger storytelling and better-crafted prose.
   
3. Connect with the Writing Community: Engage with other writers through social media, forums, or local writing groups. Networking can provide support, encouragement, and valuable insights into the publishing industry.
   
4. Learn from Rejections: Instead of viewing rejections as failures, consider them as stepping stones toward success. Analyze feedback, if available, and use it constructively to refine your writing.
   
5. Believe in Your Voice: Each writer has a unique voice. Embrace your style and perspective. Authenticity in storytelling often resonates with readers.
   

Lastly, remember that every successful author faced challenges and setbacks along their journey. It's the perseverance, commitment to improvement, and belief in their work that helped them overcome rejection and achieve success. Keep writing, stay resilient, and believe in your potential as a writer.
Here are quotes from some well-known authors who faced rejection before finding success:

1. J.K. Rowling (Author of Harry Potter series):
   

   "Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me."
   

2. Stephen King (Author of numerous bestsellers):
   

   "By the time I was fourteen the nail in my wall would no longer support the weight of the rejection slips impaled upon it. I replaced the nail with a spike and kept on writing."
   

3. Agatha Christie (Renowned mystery novelist):
   

   "I don't think necessity is the mother of invention. Invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness - to save oneself trouble."
   

4. Dr. Seuss (Author of beloved children's books):
   

   "I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope."
   

5. Margaret Mitchell (Author of "Gone with the Wind"):
   

   "Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is."
   

These authors encountered rejection and setbacks on their paths to success but persisted in their writing endeavors, ultimately achieving acclaim for their work. Their quotes reflect their resilience, determination, and belief in their craft despite facing initial rejection.
Here are a few more quotes from authors who experienced rejection before achieving success:

1. Louisa May Alcott (Author of "Little Women"):
   

   "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."
   

2. George Orwell (Author of "1984" and "Animal Farm"):
   

   "Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand."
   

3. John Grisham (Bestselling author of legal thrillers):
   

   "I faced rejection and constant criticism, but I never let up. I continued to persevere and pursued my writing passion."
   

4. Madeleine L'Engle (Author of "A Wrinkle in Time"):
   

   "You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children."
   

5. Ray Bradbury (Author of "Fahrenheit 451"):
   

   "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."
   

These authors persisted through rejection, adversity, and doubts, yet remained dedicated to their writing. Their words reflect the perseverance, passion, and determination that ultimately led them to success in the literary world.
💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫🐔🐔🐔🐔 So in handling rejection as a writer and finding inspiration from authors who faced rejection before achieving success, this article has provided:

1. Strategies to stay motivated and improve as a writer, including persistence, seeking feedback, diversifying submissions, staying motivated, and practicing self-care.
2. Additional tips like setting goals, embracing revisions, connecting with the writing community, learning from rejections, and embracing your unique voice.
3. Quotes from various renowned authors such as J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, Agatha Christie, Dr. Seuss, Margaret Mitchell, Louisa May Alcott, George Orwell, John Grisham, Madeleine L'Engle, and Ray Bradbury. These quotes highlight their resilience, determination, and belief in their craft despite facing rejection, ultimately leading to their success as authors.

The overarching message is to persist in writing, seek improvement, learn from setbacks, stay connected with the writing community, and believe in your unique voice as a writer, drawing inspiration from the experiences of successful authors who overcame rejection on their paths to success.

I thought I would share my story here, because reading about everyone’s experiences has been so incredibly validating. So firstly; from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU everyone- in turn, I hope this helps someone, or that someone resonates with an experience, or adds to the collective consciousness of healing and realising that we deserve better. Because I need to believe that, I need to know this has been bad. I feel completely mental.
I’d like to start by saying this may not make sense and I’m a bit all over the shop rn and I apologise. And there are many, many things I could add to this that have added to the growing sadness and eggshell walking as the relationship went on, but I’ve tried to keep it small. I also want to say that you may be screaming at the screen wondering how I could be so stupid. And to that I say, me too. I am screaming at myself as well. As a 30-something year old woman, I acknowledge I was not the person I wanted to be in this situation. I wanted to be stronger.
I’m currently a couple of weeks out of my break up (or break up attempt 1 as I should probably put it, I’m still sending angry texts, receiving proclamations of love, wondering what if). I was with my nex (narcissistic ex) for nearly 7 years. We were meant to be getting married a week ago. For the last six months, my intuition had been telling me that a “friendship” he had with a coworker wasn’t right. This coworker was going through some stuff, and leant heavily on nex probably because he portrayed himself as a powerhouse at work who said whatever was on his mind and was always, always, always always right (newsflash he wasn’t). Nex has a saviour complex x1000 that I’d never let myself really think too hard about so he went hardcore “supporting her” and I sat on the sidelines thinking she needed that support. I won’t say anything about this girl but she’s not a girl’s girl. She’s a pick me. It kind of felt to me like- of course he’s not going to choose her, why would I worry about it. It’s too OBVIOUS. Like of course not? Look what we have.
Before this and during, Nex and I were planning on buying a house and were getting married (I was doing all the house saving, he had no idea about money but pretended he did, spent impulsively but was on a great salary, and I was doing all the wedding planning) and were planning on having a baby next year-ish. I had reached a point in my career that I was finally happy with, a career he said many shitty things about over our time together but it was the first thing he mentioned when talking to others and trying to impress. He had proposed at year 4 of the relationship (he always said he wouldn’t propose before 3 years because that’s how long his longest relationship was with his ex who he also cheated on). Red flag that yet again I ignored because I was different and this was different and I could change him and blah fucking blah.
Our relationship looked perfect. It really fucking did. I thought it was for a long time. I refused to think it wouldn’t be forever and wasn’t written in the stars. Behind the scenes, now I look back(ish) I realise I was struggling. I had raging PMS each month, often had depressive episodes that he would virtually ignore. I often struggled to watch movies where women had kind, funny and non reactive partners, I secretly envied my friends and their partners because they wouldn’t have to worry about what came out of their partner’s or their mouth next, or who their partner would fight with in the room, or how I would handle a public put down if he was in that mood or if I wasn’t handling myself perfectly. I walked on eggshells for years. I took his self aggrandising every day after work or sport as healthy self confidence. I was being slowly removed from my family as he argued with each one. He bragged about me and I felt like his trophy which I took as love and it gave me a false confidence I’d never had before when I was with him. When I spoke about him my inner voice said ‘wow, he really does sound great.’ His sister would often look at me and I felt like she always wanted to ask if I was really okay but I never let her. I had supported nex through addiction to weed/alcohol/substances of every kind (something I struggled to do because they have never been on my radar, just uninterested, and I was the bad person for that, I was the ‘child’ who wouldn’t immerse herself in the wonderful world of drugs), countless interpersonal issues at work and with his family, trying to support all sides, I had organised every home we had lived in, I organised cooking, cleaning, fun weekends, it was my goal to get him the most thoughtful and lovely presents I could find whenever I could. It was like it was my goal to be a fabulous girlfriend. I’m really not trying to pretend I’m perfect, but I can say 100% honestly that I put all I could into making him feel loved. He used to call me a unicorn, I guess because I just did whatever he wanted. However, I felt like I was going to bed in tears more often than anyone should. I got to the point where I wouldn’t put eye cream on because I knew I was just going to cry it off. Every Sunday morning I got a bit triggered by our local coffee shop because I always felt like that was where we were trying to pick up the pieces emotionally after fighting the night before over absolutely anything. I found this taxing, because never had I had such a tumultuous relationship with anyone before and I was wondering wtf was happening. He, on the other hand, often said how much he enjoyed conflict and he loved the feeling of anger. He said it to everyone and I always laughed it off. He said he was so good at handling people and he charmed so well, as he is incredibly good looking. He had issues with everyone - his bosses, his friends, his coworkers, his neighbours. We were in couples counselling after I couldn’t be yelled at anymore, and he had told a friend of ours that it was for me and not for him. I chose not to believe he said that because this friend had had issues with him too and I thought it might’ve been an attempt from them of triangulation. I believe them now. I’m so sorry to that friend. Two of his friends sent me messages on seperate occasions asking me if I was okay, that I didn’t have to put up with this.
Something I am proud of is that I, often, when I felt strong, and my brain worked, didn’t play along with his ego without a fight. I DID play devils advocate for the other person when he had yet another interpersonal issue. I DID call out his dogmatism. I DID expect more from him, that he didn’t have to yell CUNT or WHORE every time something went mildly wrong. However, there are times when I didn’t. And it was because I was just fucking exhausted.
Two/three months ago, and after I found a deleted phone call from the other woman that he lied to my face about, I started watching his find my iPhone which we had turned on when I went overseas a couple of years earlier but I’d forgotten about. It felt gross doing, I didn’t want to, but I also tried to justify it to myself by saying it’s my future, damn it, let’s see if I really am being ridiculous. One early morning while it was still dark, I felt him kiss me and say he was going to the gym. An hour later I woke up with an EERIE AS FUCK feeling and checked FMI. He was at her address. I called him and he didn’t pick up. I watched his car drive on FMI back to the gym and he conveniently called. I asked where he had been and he immediately gaslit me, said he was at the gym, FACETIMED ME TO SHOW ME and said that he couldn’t do my “jealousy” anymore. I broke down and told him I knew he had been at hers through FMI. He then started crying and said he visited her to call the friendship off “the right way” and that he told her that he cared for her but he had to stop because I couldn’t take it anymore and was too jealous. I bought it, as he never ever cried. I apologised. But from then on, my body was full of anxiety and pain. Life was on autopilot.
This happened a few other times. I had a weird feeling one afternoon on a Saturday when he said he was at the gym and had to pop into work to do some printing (not unusual). On autopilot, unable to feel emotions and probably looking completely mental, I got in my car, drove to the workplace, and saw both their cars outside. As I turned the corner to drive away, realising it HAD to be over now, you stupid bitch Charlie0987 it HAD to be over, I immediately got a call from him explaining away, can’t even remember what he said now. It’s not what you think, we have some important work to do that she can’t do alone, you’re jealous, she’s (the other woman) is angry that you even think anything is going on. I ended up apologising that night. Yep. However, at that point I did call off the wedding. I thought the wedding stress and money (literally, me fucking planning it, most of MY money) was the problem. I thought if we just eloped, we’d be okay. Calling everyone to call off the wedding while pretending to them and myself that it was all okay was fucked. I have no other way to describe it than completely and utterly fucked. He was then nice for a few days. I was heartbroken I couldn’t have the wedding I has envisioned, I didn’t let myself think of the love that was crashing down around me. Everyone asked me how the wedding planning was going, every day it was someone new. I had to pretend it was all fine and that we cancelled for financial reasons. It was hell. I will never again ask someone planning a wedding how the wedding planning is going until they bring it up with me.
All through this, I was supporting my friend with a very rare form of cancer (it doesn’t feel real typing this out, feels like some kind of shitty movie). I remember crying about it once on the couch and he said that my crying annoyed him, and that what the other woman had gone through was bad too. He said he didn’t want to have sex with me because I was too skinny (I was depressed and not eating) and cried too much and because I didn’t exercise and he was attracted to people that exercised (fair enough, but also fuck you). Still, through all this, I loved him, tried to be what he had loved about me for six years (compassionate and quiet) and told myself it was okay and it was a rough patch.
All through this, our couples counsellor was saying my attachment issue and abandonment issues was what was a huge part of the problem and that males and females have friendships and I needed to gtfo it. Like every human being I’m sure I have had fears of abandonment, and I do acknowledge I have relied on the safe feeling of men in the past. However, I NOW don’t think it was the main issue here. I don’t blame this counsellor if I’m honest, he was eating what was being fed to him by nex. And I wanted to believe it too. I was willing to work on myself and I was trying to see my anxiety for what I thought, and what I was being told, it was. Nex told me regularly when I asked him not to yell at me that I just didn’t understand real men.
A couple of weeks before D Day, nex asked for space to “miss me”. I went to my family, pretended he’d gone on a trip so I wouldn’t get asked why I was there, tried to show up for work, tried to be strong. I slept next to my wedding dress, still boxed. Those weeks were probably the worst weeks of my life. I didn’t know where he was, didn’t know who he was with, but we were still together, I didn’t eat, got medication to sleep, mindlessly partook in my hobbies to try to do the right thing and be the person he loved. He treated me like I was an annoying fly and either didn’t reply to messages or sent a few and then nothing. After four days of me barely eating and sleeping and looking like an emaciated ghost, I asked if I could come home (I loved our rental, it was such a safe space for me with my garden and my animals). He replied basically fine, and then for the rest of the week I was chastised for not giving enough space and that it wasn’t proper space. Couples counsellor agreed with him. A week later I said fuck it and went again, feeling a bit stronger this time. On day 3, I felt sick all day. I had a nap in the afternoon and felt dread. I had received no messages, but I messaged that I loved him that night. He love hearted it. I found out later he had been with her all day, but don’t worry, it was for a good reason he said. Intuition yet again picked that one up.
The next morning I got up, packed, and went home as it was our agreed upon day that I’d return. I said to him this is actually it, I can’t take this anymore. I am physically and mentally wrecked. It’s been six years. You’re a big boy. You’re either in it or you’re not. It was a big conversation, and we agreed that we would be in it together, the relationship was worth saving, and I would step back and agree to believe in his supportive friendship with this girl and no longer worry. He also agreed to tell me if he didn’t want to be together anymore, or if anything came up regarding this relationship with the girl. We set a date to elope for end of year. He went to the gym, and I remember saying to him I was so happy we’re choosing us. He kissed me and said me too. I felt elated and safe. I then re packed my bag, as I was taking my friend to her first cancer treatment the day after.
When he got back from the gym, he went to the shower. Now we had agreed with the couples counsellor not to check each others phones for a while. I had been okay with it, and didn’t have an issue leaving his phone. But once he got into the shower, my intuition, my chest, my body, SCREAMED at me to check his notes in his phone for the first time in weeks. I went into notes and found a text drafted to the other woman. It said something along the lines of “X and I have agreed to a break when she takes her friend to cancer treatment. I told her I wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore but I was to you. I’m feeling so over it now she’s home, I want more space” plus some other awful stuff that I’ve buried down and can’t quite remember. At no point, ever, did we agree to a break. I dropped his phone, went into the bathroom, and told him I was leaving. I can’t remember much of the next few moments. I do remember he turned it on me for looking at his phone, then him crying. I remember screaming, screaming screaming at him. I had raised my voice hardly ever in our entire relationship so I can imagine that was a moment for him. But I just screamed. I asked if he was planning on trying to sleep with her when I was with my friend for radiation. He nodded. He blocked me from the door to “talk” and tried to grab me into a hug. I screamed and screamed. I put (the most random shit btw, a dress, some acne cream, a book??) some things into a bag and I got into the car, howling. And I sat there a moment and I STILL WONDERED IF I SHOULD LEAVE.
I STILL WONDERED IF I SHOULD LEAVE.
And I did. I drove away from our beautiful little secluded rental that I had poured my love into and was hoping to raise a baby in. I knew I couldn’t afford the rent alone but he can even with his pathetic spending habits and I can’t live in the place of our memories. I went to my family and fell apart. I’m not going to disclose further about my mental state or what happened but I got sent to be with other family for a couple of weeks in another state. He has been messaging me ever since. Promises of change, of moving away, of starting again, of selling a property that he bought before us and has sat doing nothing our entire relationship and was the reason we couldn’t buy our home, (frustrating that he reaps the reward of that now), saying he has blocked this other woman from his life (he still works with her and I refuse to believe he hasn’t had ongoing contact). Oh and on the day I drove to be with my family in another state, the universe decided to let my car meet her car, with him in it, at an intersection. He crouched down like the coward he is. She looked like a stunned mullet. I waved at her. I was hysterical. Can’t even remember it fully but I remember the feeling. That’s the love of my life in there with another woman. It. Was. Fucking. Hell. On. Earth. I still can’t believe that happened. What were actually the odds of that happening?
I’ve gone through so much anger towards her but I KNOW it’s misdirected. I’m slowly moving towards anger towards him. I haven’t messaged her telling her how my life has been destroyed and I won’t. I think she will thrive on it and she has a young kid who my heart bleeds for. And I have so much anger towards the series of events that had to happen in the first place and what feels like the wasted last 7 years of the best years of my life. I miss my home and my non-existent child and I miss arms around me. I miss him when he was nice. I hate that I don’t have what everyone else around me seems to have at this age, what I want so desperately. Please, please let me know I can get through this. Let me know I can’t go back. Please tell me this is abuse and it won’t get better because I am struggling to believe it. I’m also super fragile right now so if you want to say anything mean, just hold it for now and bring it to me later.
Love to you all. X