A lot of discussion has been recently had about the "core gameplay" of Dark and Darker, and how that core gameplay feels like it has been lost from the game. Dark and Darker, as intended by the devs and enjoyed by the player base, is a PvPvE dungeon crawler extraction game. However, recently it feels that the gameplay has become more of a PvP fantasy battle royale, where players rush to find fights and PvE is more of a nuisance than a core mechanic. So, what could ironmace do to bring back the PvE dungeon crawler half of the game?
I think a lot of these ideas are better with the removal of swarm, and create systems that encourage players to move through the dungeon looking for points of interest instead of rushing the location of already known high quality loot areas or constantly chasing the circle.
Dynamic Modules
A recent post made a strong case for dynamic modules, meaning a system where instead of static layouts modules instead work like puzzle pieces that get jumbled up for every lobby. In my opinion, this should also include a fog of war effect on the minimap that obscures adjacent modules until they are explored. We already have a low level of randomization in enemy/chest spawns, but I think dynamic modules could also step this up with more randomization of enemy spawns. Personally, I think this dynamic modules alone would fix a lot of issues in the game and would keep runs fresh and exciting.
Mini-Modules/Secret Rooms
As part of the dynamic module system, I think adding more secret rooms to the dungeon would be beneficial. These would be a pool of randomized, small rooms that attach to existing modules and would provide high quality loot (lions head/golden/marvelous chest, gem/weapon spawns). These already exist, but the lack of randomization means players already know all the locations and how to access them. Adding mini-puzzles to access these rooms would be great, such as hidden levers and illusory walls.
Improving Special Keys
Skull, golden, and previously rusty keys have always been used as a store of value instead of a dungeon exploration tool. In my opinion, instead of being something you bring into the dungeon, special keys should instead be items that commonly drop from mini-bosses which are used to access loot rooms from the dungeon you are currently in. Extracting with keys would cause them to crumble to dust. With dynamic modules, this could add an exciting layer of exploration where players either find a key and have to search for the loot room, or find a loot room and go after mini-bosses for the keys.
Wandering Merchants
I think this is a no brainer, basically the dungeon should have merchants with a chance to spawn (possibly in special rooms) that can give you some kind of benefit in the dungeon. You could use collected treasure and gold to purchase things like high rarity weapons, surgical kits, campfires, and restock on potions, bandages, and arrows. The goblin merchant could be used to send items back to your stash mid-raid.
Better Quests
Better quests could utilize the wandering merchants to make them more engaging and tie them into the dungeon better. Instead of kill x and fetch quests, a quest might be triggered when you find the leathersmith that causes the miniboss which has captured his daughter to spawn, which then needs to be tracked down and killed for the reward upon returning to the tavern. I think having a big pool of randomized quests that occur in the dungeon, each of which provides affinity, would be more engaging than our current system. Instead of being a checklist you grind, quests would be based on exploring the dungeon. I'd be concerned about RNG in this system, but perhaps one way to mitigate would be displaying which merchants are in each dungeon during each rotation.
Exploration/Mapping Tools
With randomized dungeon and randomized PoI's/merchants in the game, new items to help with exploration and navigation could be added. A dungeon map would be a supplied item that lets you view the explored dungeon, and on defeating another player you would be able to fill out your map with the locations they've found. This could also be tied into the AP system, with AP provided for each module that is filled on your map and a large AP boost for completely exploring the map. Treasure maps could be found in chests/on mobs which would indicate the general location of a high value treasure. Compasses could be used to track down static exits and portals. Locator stones could be put in that help you find the location of the wandering merchants.

Привет, друзья. I am very beginner to learning the language, and thank you to advance for your time to read this and offer input.
So, I have this idea for a tattoo. It may seem dumb, but to me it is a representation of something important. I want to get either Я плачу, which I found to mean "I cry", or Я плакал, which I found to mean "I have cried." I wanted to ask more advanced/native speakers if this is correct before I am walking around, and someone asks me why I put some crazy mistranslation like "I am sweaty dog" or something on me. Thank you!

Recently was awarded sole custody of daughter. 9 months old. ex is a psycho and now is hiding in Georgia but I can’t get law enforcement rcment to do job keep getting sent around. I stay in Virginia what should I do

Idk if this is a dumb question or not. My daughter has flu but is showing no real symptoms. She’s not fussy and only had fever yesterday. Would it be safe for me to go running with her in a stroller? It’s hot where I live so just wanted to know if it’s a bad idea or not. I’ve only been working out for 2 months and don’t want to get out of the habit. We’re not going to be around other people, and I have to stay home with her so my wife doesn’t use her PTO.

For context: we have two kids age 8 and 5.
Just back from 10 nights at POFQ, our first ever Disney trip. Overall really liked the hotel, it's a shame they had a pipe burst in their swimming pool and it was being repaired for most of our stay, but it was still a really nice place. Swimming pool at Riverside was only a 10 min walk away.
I had a good outline of our itinerary for the whole stay written up before we left with plenty of ADRs however, however what we actually did was quite different.
Wrote up as much as I could remember, the exact order of events in particular is a bit muddy but I did my best.
Day 1: Arrive in the early evening, went to the pool, had inner in the food hall, went to bed.
Day 2: Genie + at Magic Kingdom. Totally screwed up EE that day because the park opened at 8am that day which caught me off guard, but aside from not rope-dropping Seven Dwarves as planned, we still got SO much done that day.
Arrived at 8am park opening.
Jungle Cruise
Big Thunder Mountain x 2
Pirates of the Carribbean
Ariel
Barnstormer x 2
Dumbo
Genie + Peter Pan
Laugh Floor
Genie + Buzz Lightyear
Peoplemover
Genie + Space Mountain/Speedway (in two parts since my youngest didn't go on it, I took both my kids to speedway while my husband had his turn)
Big Thunder again
Small World (but son needed toilet in queue so we left and husband and daughter stayed)
Then we went back into Smallworld while daughter and husband did Barnstormer again.
Genie + Winnie the Pooh.
Dinner at Skipper Canteen - so good!
We also watched the parade that day but it was sooo hot, we opted for a poorer view from a main street shop in the shade. Was not worth sticking out the heat for the length of time you would need to get an optimal view. I think trying to go our very first day was a mistake because we weren't acclimatised at all yet.
The longest queue we had that day was probably for Smallworld. Everything moved really quickly! Was also happy with Genie+.
Day 2: Animal Kingdom
Had entry issues and needed cards re-assigned at entry so kinda messed up FOP EE rope drop but husband and daughter persevered anyway. Son and I did Na'vi River and explored Pandora and stared Wilderness Explorers. Spent a LOT of time in Pandora gift shop.
Gorilla Trek
Wildlife Express and Rafiki's Planet Watch.
Festival of the Lion King (so good!)
It's Tough to be a Bug
Triceratops Spin
Had really nice homey feeling cookie and gigantic ice cream in Dinoland
Dinosaur (3 of us loved this ride, my son thought it was a bit too scary also it seemed like they should increase the height requirement because he could barely reach the bar to brace himself. I know it's being discontinued though.)
Safari
Dinner at hotel.
Day 3: Hollywood Studios
Successful EE rope drop for Rise of the Resistance
Smuggler's Run
Met Donald Duck
Met Goofy and Max
Star Tours
Runaway Railway (queue was brutal in the sun but it was a great ride)
Indiana Jones Show
Star Tours again
Muppets 3d
Race Academy - did not know what to expect coming in. If we had known we would not have trekked all the way across the park in the heat for that. My son DID like it, but it really didn't feel like it was the same quality as any of the other shows or rides.
Went back to Galaxy's edge for Blue and Green milk + puffbread. All really good. We possibly did Star Tour again, I don't remember haha.
The wait times for everything else being very long + the heat had us going back to the hotel early.
Dinner at hotel.
Day 4: Magic Kingdom Day 2
Tried to EE rope drop 7 dwarves but it was down and we decided not to wait it out (rookie mistake)
Teacups
Thunder Mountain x 2
Split up and did Haunted Mansion/ Smallworld (and got stuck on Smallworld for like 15 minutes)
Haunted mansion crew did Carousel while waiting for us, then we did Carousel after.
Took Daughter to meet Pooh and Tigger while the others did Speedway + People Mover
Back to hotel early for dinner.
Day 5: Genie + Epcot.
Failed to get Guardians Boarding at 7am.
EE Test Track
Mission Space (Green)
Genie + Remy
Genie + Soarin
Moana water walkthrough
Genie + Living with the Land
Got boarding for guardians for about 6pm. Cancelled ADR because of it.
Spaceship Earth
Met Moana
Genie + Nemo
Genie + Figment
Met Figment
Met Joy
Nemo again
Quick Dinner in Mexico
Gran Fiesta Tour (honestly had no idea this was here, really cool building, kids liked the boat ride)
Finally boarding group for guardians called at nearly 7pm.
Really great day! I seemed to be able to book really quickly back to back for Genie +. Kids really liked all the chill dark rides .
Wanted to do Frozen that day but the Genie+ was sold out even before lunch.
At this point we are really just trying to get things we missed
Day 6: Magic Kingdom Day 3
Successful EE rope drop of Seven Dwarves. Said 75 min wait when we entered but it really wasn't too bad, maybe 30-45. This ride had amazing theming, but was lacking as a coaster.
Teacups
Split up and 2 of us did astral orbiter that had a wait time of 25 minutes, and the other 2 did space mountain with a wait time of 35 minutes. Space mountain finished first!
Carousel
Swiss Family Treehouse
Enchanted Tiki Room
Magic Carpet - this seemed to be my son's favourite of this style ride. He's been talking about magic carpets evey day since.
We actually had a boarding time for Tron but the kids got fed up of the heat so we gave up and cancelled or place in the virtual queue.
Took the train back to the entrance. Very pleasant.
Dinner at hotel
Day 7
Epcot Day 2
We really wanted to do Cosmic Rewind again and do Frozen since we missed it the other day.
We failed to get a 7am boarding so bought an ILL for 11:30
EE rope drop at Frozen, which was down and they tried to get us to go elsewhere but it was open by about 8:45.
Gran Fiesta Tour
Met Asha
We were going to go do Soarin but we got distracted by a giant Joffrey's donut and a squirrel that was fun to watch, and then there was a minor child meltdown so we had a long break before heading to our ILL for Cosmic Rewind. Totally worth the cost.
I tried one last time to see if the kids would explore the World Showcase but they voted to go to the waterpark instead.
We went back to the hotel, then off to Typhoon Lagoon where 3/4 of us got minor scrapes in the wave pool, but kids loved it and would have gone back a second day.
Went back to Disney Springs and got dinner at Chicken Guy. Probably the best fast food I have ever had.
​
Day 8
Animal Kingdom Day 2
This was a lot of running around chasing short queues. Genie + would have been really good for us at this park.
EE rope drop Everest x 2. Was really good but going backwards made my stomach a bit iffy.
Na'vi River
Safari (finally saw an elephant!)
Nemo Show
Lion King Show again
Met Dug (first character my son was actually excited to meet)
Maharajah Jungle Trek
Back to Disney Springs for Dinner. Went to Pizza Ponte so we could all choose a different topping of pizza. Also walked around and heard live music before we left.
Took daughter to Happily Ever After fireworks that night. Stood above the railway station for a quick escape at the end.
Day 9
Last day :(
Genie + Hollywood Studios
Genie + didn't seem to work as well at this park, it seemed at Epcot I could always book after entering a ride and we used it a lot but at HS it seemed strictly 2 hours apart. Maybe I am just not seeing it clearly.
On reflection , next time I would probably do Slinky Dog at EE followed by Runaway Railway and buy an ILL for Rise and skip Genie + if I was looking to save some money. I would de-prioritise Toy Story Mania next time, but our first day we missed all of the Toy Story area.
EE rope drop Rise of the Resistance. Pretty sure we were on the ride before EE even officially started.
Smuggler's Run
Met The Mandalorian and Grogu (probably the best meet!)
Star Tours
Alien Flying Saucers
Droid Depot
Genie + Slinky dog
Beauty and the Beast show
Met Chewbacca
Met Pluto
Genie + Runaway Railway
Star Tours again
Genie + Toy Story Mania. Ride broke down while in queue. Waited for ages before the put us on the other side, almost missed our next booking.
Oga's Canteen. Tried 4 different non-alcoholic drinks and they were all good. It was super cool. Only downside is we had a high table (standing only) and my son couldn't see the top of the table/anything and he was pretty unimpressed by the whole situation. Flying Saucers Mama Melrose for dinner. Muppets 3d Fantasmic. I read 15 min early "at least" aimed for 30 minutes early, and the place was well more than half full by then. Took a really long time to leave. If there is a next time I would go much earlier and bring snacks just to make getting out easier. Overall I was hugely impressed with the level of detail in everything, and all the cast members were amazing. It was a really cool experience, and it's hard to imagine never going back. If there is a next time I really want to explore the world showcase and do more sit-down meals. We had a lot planned but the kids didn't have the stamina for being in the park all day so we cancelled almost all of them. We also ended up doing parks in a somewhat different order than I initially planned. Kids got really tired of travelling on buses, which is also why we didn't break in the middle of the day and then going back to the parks. Would look at skyliner options next time. Things we didn't get to do:
Try dole whip (never noticed a place to buy it, ice cream was often an urgent necessity so didn't seek it out specifically) Tron (too hot to wait for boarding group when it was already day 3 at magic Kingdom and basically felt done.) Explore World Showcase (too much walking for few rides, from kids' perspective) Eat for fun more (we ate more out of necessity but found fun snacks when convenient) Tower of Terror (queues too long and genie + bookings too late) Frozen Singalong (timing never seemed to work out) Luminous (son had no interest in late night shows so we only did a couple things at night.) Take ride on skyliner. Something that surprised me: queues for popular rides stayed long even at 9pm. Couldn't see a viable alternative to EE rope drop + genie plus to get all the big rides "done" except perhaps if you had extended evening hours, but that would not have worked with our kids. Number of beignets consumed during our stay: 12
​

My mom has been giving me the silent treatment since January when I was in my third trimester. She didn't reach out to see if I was okay when I was in the hospital having my daughter, and it's now been two months since my daughter was born. She has no flying monkeys in the family, so she really has no way of knowing how we're doing, if everything went okay. Nada. Clearly, she doesn't give a shit about us. I always knew this on some level but I think I was in denial and hoped that I could change hework with her. Well, f*ck that. At this point I'm done forgiving and there's nothing she can say to change my mind even if she does come back. During a time that should have been about me and my child, she was still poisoning my thoughts, because that's just what she does best. I'm working through it and I'm in therapy, but I'm mad. I wish that she just abandoned me at the hospital when I was born, because I was better off without her. She ruined every chance at happiness and sunk her teeth into my life right until the day I finally had enough money to move out. I will never tell her this, because I never plan to speak to her again. I hope that one day I get a call from some random hospice facilitator that she's gone, so that I can say, "do whatever you want, donate her things, I'm not handling her final affairs."
I heard once on a podcast that dreams are the thoughts we don't know how to deal with when we're awake. Last night I had a dream that my mom slipped on some ice and asked me to help her up. I did, and then she followed me around, love bombing me and asking to see her grandchild. I told my mother that she is dead to me, and that she doesn't deserve to see my child and never will. My mom continued to follow me around, trying to peek at my baby's face as I shielded her in the stroller. I don't remember everything I said to my mom in the dream, but I shouted every angry thought I'm having, including some things I'd never actually say out loud, no matter how mad I get. This went on until I woke up.
In reality, I doubt my mom will try to contact me. She's made it clear that my child and I are less than garbage to her. I feel so stupid and mad at myself for trying to let her into my life when all she ever did was poison it. I've been in a miserable mood all day. Granted, I'm filled with postpartum hormones and those don't help my moods. Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening if you did. I'm wishing you all healing and love.

Over the past 3 years, I've been touched and inspired by many of the hardship stories & comments people have shared on the GME subs. Often I've found myself in tears or close-to-tears, while I empathically bump my fist at my laptop screen and proclaim solidarity.
When my father passed a few years back, he had little more "wealth" than several thousand in dogshit-catshit mutual funds. They bounced up and down and all around, for a good 20 years. By the time we liquidated them, the paperwork alone, and transfer processes, made it barely worth it (and not really). He was not a financially smart man, but he tried; he tried as best he could with the limited financial knowledge he was able to glean from our "given choices". He also got blindsided by life numerous times, or maybe his choices could have been clearer. But he believed in his investments, because it was what was pushed on him by "smart" advisors/brokers with duplicitous smiles. (Picture the 2 mortgage broker guys in The Big Short) My disgust and contempt for these people -- even the lower levels dealing with the working class peasants -- deepens by the day. Now to the bigger fish...
These people that run the earth... this.... PARASITE CLASS... what a bunch of sick fucks. Out of touch, uncaring, entitled shits; when greed meets narcissism and psychopathy, and presents them with the gift of fiat-ponzi. Most are generational with their lackadaisical dismissal of the peasants: "To the manor born", as Agent Patrick Denham describes in thinly-veiled-disgust, in Wolf of Wall Street. Douchebags descended from douchebags, with no real desire to make the earth a better place, but only to satisfy their own distorted view of Maslow's Hierarchy, and what they may define as Self-Actualization or Transcendence. Hell, I'd be willing to bet most never make it that far, and are stuck somewhere in the "acceptance by others" part.

Dear Parasite Class,

...We're coming. We're coming for your comforts, your money, your homes, your stable & appreciable assets that you will have to publicly auction or surrender to foreclosure (Schitt's Creek, anyone?). We'll be shopping for your office towers on TenX (vertical-farming ape, right here), and car collections that may not see Pebble Beach Concourse in 2025.
Don't fuck with the internet, don't fuck with Reddit, and don't fuck with poor people, because we have nothing left to lose.
“Remember this. The people you're trying to step on, we're everyone you depend on. We're the people who do your laundry and cook your food and serve your dinner. We make your bed. We guard you while you're asleep. We drive the ambulances. We direct your call. We are cooks and taxi drivers and we know everything about you. We process your insurance claims and credit card charges. We control every part of your life.
We are the middle children of history, raised by television to believe that someday we'll be millionaires and movie stars and rock stars, but we won't. And we're just learning this fact. So don't fuck with us.”
I want any super-wealthy people reading this (and our alphabet agencies too, cause fuck you for not doing anything for 3 years), to ponder the following sampling. And then I'm going to piss-off back to my own livelihood, and convert the fake fiat to more shares of The Precious....
How would your life be if you:

• Woke up every morning with a sense of DREAD, instead of a sense of JOY. What does it do to a human?
• Didn't know how you would pay your upcoming bills, and had to juggle.
• Had your car's AC die in a place like Houston, Texas, and no money to fix it.
• Prayed every day that your car doesn't generally break down at any given moment.
• Knew that if it does break down, it could cost you your job.
• Saw the car repair bill would strain everything else, including that AC bill.
• Dared to introspect that in the lives of working-class people, even "minor" setbacks cause ripples.
• Actually considered that the CPI and inflation numbers are lies, and lived in constant anxiety.
• Needed to contemplate the uncertainty of being 1 emergency medical issue away from catastrophe.
• Were constantly told that "poor people should invest better", and then getting rug-pulled when you do.
• Watched for years, as your parents "give up on life", and accept mediocrity.
• Had aging parents you knew someday you'd have to take care of, but weren't sure you financially could.
• Were to forecast your own retirement, and knew the math didn't work.

There's more, but now I've got myself all riled-up again.
I'm done ranting for the moment. I'm angry as shit. I would have sold my 1-share $300 buy of 2021 for $1,000 (thanks TDAmeritrade for graying the buy-button and not letting me do it). Now I'm selling until I see people going to prison, bankers jumping from buildings (I wanna see cabbage/Chrisanova the savage), and a complete worldwide exposé of the naked-shorting racket, ALONG WITH the multi-generational, debt-based, fiat ponzi scheme that has been structured for everyone.
Cause Fuck 'em, that's why.

My ex wife is planning to file a VAWC case gainst me under the grounds of physical harm. As I was visiting our son at the place where they live, we had a fight. The reason was, our son has complained that my ex's lesbian partner has verbally abused him at one instance by telling him "wala kay utok" (wala kang utak). As a father, I got mad at what I heard and as soon as my ex got home, I immediately confronted her and asked her about it in a calmly manner. She then reacted aggressively and shouted at me, saying "why do you even bother to ask about it now? It's already been addressed!" and diverted the conversation about her suing me for being in a relationship now. Btw, we're separated but not legally yet. The reason is, she cheated on me with a lesbian. Then over a year after she left, I became in a relationship with another woman. Going back, I was triggered by her suing threat and got mad because she always does it everytime to intimidate me. Sya pa malakas ang loob mang threaten. So Out of my anger, I walked towards her and pointed my finger on her face asking, "what did you say?!" in an angry tone. She then provoked me by saying, "sige pasakiti ko! padug-e ko!" which means "sige saktan mo ako! yung may dugo!" (sorry, I'm not good at translating). She then started to slap and punch my chest, so to defend myself, I held her (almost embrace-like) and pushed her against the refrigerator to stop her from attacking me. But while we were struggling, nasiko ko ata yung mukha at ulo nya multiple times. She then claimed that she bled, pero when I talked to her mom, who was the only witness at that time, she didn't see any blood during our fight so she suspects that my ex has harmed herself so she can use it as an evidence against me. A day after, I received a notification on my phone that she availed of my HMO and had a medical check up. I immediately knew it was for medico-legal purposes. By the way, this happened 4 months ago. I'm still waiting for a summon but according to my son, she decided not to pursue the case for his sake. But last week, we had another fight (through chat) because she is demanding for an additional support since she wants our son to study in a private school but I've set 2 conditions which I think is best for his welfare and mine. One is, my son goes to a private school and live with me so I can budget his allowance and other needs properly (since I don't trust her when it comes to money) and I won't ask any penny from her. Second is, our son goes to a private school, continues to live with her but we both should share the financial responsibility since she's already working now because I can't carry all the financial burden alone, given that I'm already providing them 15k a month. Not including our son's medical needs when he gets sick. My current monthly gross salary is only PHP45,000 minus deductions, rent, and personal expenses. I don't have any savings at the moment. Btw, our son just turned 10 recently. Now when she learned of my conditions, she got very upset and brought up the VAWC case again. Although she did not explicitly blackmailed me but it obviously presupposes that if she doesn't get what she demands, she would pursue the case against me. My question is if she will indeed pursue the case, what are the possible defenses I can use to combat her VAWC complaint? Thank you so much in advance, for your sound advises.

My daughter (9) joined a gym in western Washington two years ago. She began in a developmental team, then was accepted into the competitive team in Level 2 last year. Shortly after, she was moved to Level 3, and she just completed her first competitive season, attending regional meets and competitions in Idaho and Arizona.
Overall she did well, especially with bars, beam and vault, but still needs improvement with floor. She started out the season well, but suffered a broken arm and had to work her way back. She still did well enough to quality for state, and her overall results were 34.55.
Anyway, I'm wondering if other parents can share insight on how gyms typically communicate about development, progression and training plans.
Her Level 2 coach occasionally sent emails about her progress, but was inconsistent. And at the end of a season, we would only receive a one-sheet report card, but without any context. Most recently, her Level 3 coach only spoke with her to give her some info on what she's done well and where she needs more improvement, ultimately telling her that she would need to remain in Level 3 next season.
Overall, we place a lot of trust in the coaches, especially as we've seen our daughter progress rapidly in since she began, and we only reach out when we have occasional questions about how to support her at home, or how she can improve in areas she needs more work in. But as our daughter has expressed interest in being a competitive gymnast in high school and college, we are really wanting to know how she is doing, whether she is showing that she can compete at that level, and what she needs to do to reach her goals. Also, whether she is in the right place and getting the proper instruction.
Is this common where coaches only communicate with the kids directly, or do other gyms communicate and even provide developmental plans for parents? Should we be engaging the coaches more?

Never thought I'd get desperate enough to seek some advice via Reddit, but here it goes. I'm male and just turned 36. I have been struggling now for what seems like a few years of CONSTANT feelings of urination. I know pee or have the urgency to pee like literally every 5 minutes. It has been debilitating and a huge detriment to my social life as I always feel I need to be close to a toilet. Thank God I work from home. I know this is a bit of an overshare, but I still can get a hard on and ejaculate fine, however I feel a lot of urethral discomfort like there's pee still trapped and also feeling like peeing constantly never really makes me feel like getting turned on. I don't get near as many erections as I use to but still can just fine. I have seen two different urologists in the last year, been on different kinds of antibiotics which never fix the problem, been on Flomax which I recently got off of by my urologists advice since it didn't help whatsoever, a steroid which did nothing, and my urine samples as of last week came back normal and it was cultured as well (normal). I'm due for another CT scan next month to double check for kidney stones. I just don't have any answers, my father deals with prostatitis and rakes Cialis which says provides him comfort but I don't think his case is near this extreme. My last blood test showed I was pre-diabetic. I'm not overweight by any means and workout daily but my diet is trash. Could this be diabetes? I literally feel the urgency all the time to pee and this has been haunting. I don't even want to go out much anymore because of this problem. Have I trained my brain to urinate constantly? What the fuck is this? Please anyone with some advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long story. Thanks.

Hi, C-PTSD! It's me, ol' Zodes. Yep. We're going to have a little discussion today before I leave about why this "supportive" community is not actually very supportive.
Your community is not exactly welcoming or friendly to everyone. I've definitely gotten my share of nasty replies and even people who thought it'd be a good idea to send me a piece of their mind after I said something they didn't like. They're free to do that, but when your message contains slurs and talks about how much of a "waste" I am for being trans, I'm not exactly inclined to answer it. That's the very least, I've gotten death threats from people ever since I started taking commissions, I'm used to it. It's just weird that a lot of them end up being from people who saw my posts on here.
I can try reporting these people, but I find that often, it's given a pass, and the behaviour is allowed to continue. If this is a normal feature, please say so! If that's how it works, mention it to people in the rules so they don't waste their time thinking this this is a safe place for them like I did. That's kinda disingenuous, but maybe I should not have had the expectations I did. Maybe this is the best you can do.
I find that there's a LOT of judgement in this "judgement free zone", with plenty of people disputing, debating, and questioning whether or not what really happened to me, really happened. This itself can be extremely difficult to deal with, but to get judged and even ridiculed for something life-shattering you have no control of in a group full of people with the same issue? It happens regularly.
It's not just me, I've seen it happen to other people who have had just as bad a time as I did. Told they "didn't try hard enough" to make it work, "oh it wasn't that bad", "you just want attention" - all invalidating , just gross things I saw on here daily. To someone newly diagnosed or really struggling? This can make things even worse for that person. Please think about the kind of connections you're fostering. A lot of people really need this support.
I thought the purpose of this place was to post what we've learned, the things we remember to carry with us no matter what, and the struggles we continue to face daily. I can't do that if what I say is just entertainment value. I can't do that if I'm getting death threats about how I shouldn't disrespect my alcoholic father who beat me every week for 13 years, that I should have cooperated and learned to "mind" better, and then I wouldn't have gotten beaten.
The truth is, my dad beating me had mostly nothing to do with what I did. It's a hard thing to learn to accept, but I don't get closure, asspats or a full meal -I must live on scraps. This will be the same way: I've got to take the same lesson - this turning out like it did as something that just happens to some people. Unfortunately, it is me again. I apparently have quite an uncanny ability to win the lottery in the worst ways. Go me.
I'll dust myself off like I usually do, take some stock and re-evaluate, but the truth is, sometimes everything that can go wrong, does, and that's all I get now.
Maybe the next time, you'll have two minutes for that next person ❤️ otherwise, just get rid of this sub and be done with it, we deserve better.

Before I start of with the problem I want you all to know that I did some research on the topic of rejection and also have the past that was riddled with being rejected. Bullying and a not so loving father were kind of how the first part of my lfe started and went. Now I know that rejection is causing all this emotions not only due to the trauma but also due to evolutionary reasons. I also know that paranoia and mistrust play a big role in my rejection sensitivity as well. But all this knowledge isn't helping. I can go around and act like I don't care until there is too much rejection thrown at me, which doesn't have to be a lot. Sometimes bad sleep or other smaller things can throw me off and bam! I go nuts. I start feeling anxious constantly and lose all touch with reality. The emotions get too much and all logical thinking is locked out. Just this morning I have spent 4 hours on camping me down if I am not counting the 2 hours I spent laying in bed trying to calm me with a youtube video for anxiety and panic attacks. My confidence crumbles. My self-esteem as well. My emotion go haywire without being able to regulate myself.
I hate that this is always how it goes. Why can't I learn to regulate myself? I want to be able to give me the strength that otherwise other people would give me back when I feel rejected. How do I sooth myself to feeling safe again?
I have been in therapy for depression and social anxiety but since I made some bad experiences again, I kind of relapsed. Due to my new job I wasn't able to continue my therapy as needed and I won't be able to go back into therapy for another two years(country regulations for insurance coverage). But I feel like it wouldn't help me like I would need it to.

The situation:
Me and my ex-fiance broke up a month before she gave birth to our child. Initially we agreed that I was going to be at the birth. However, after we broke up, she did not want me there. I came to terms with this and was okay with it as this was her right/choice. We were still in communication during this time (after we broke up), and we were civil, even flirtatious. Leading up to the birth she got paranoid that I was cheating on her or sleeping with other women as my location was not at my house but on the street behind me, i explained to her that iPhone geolocation isn't always accurate, and i even offered to face time her to prove that I am where I am but she did not respond to my requsts. My ex's phone stopped working so i had no contact with her for 1 weeks straight out of concern i called her mother to see if she was okay as they live together, and her mother started slandering me saying that i got her pregnant and now ive left her a month before she was due, the breakup was mutual and agreed on both sides, and for our child we planned on co parenting effectivly.She started calling me a bitch and slandering my religon (islam) and became racist even though her daughter is half white and half indian, she also threatened me with force and threatend the police on me even though i hadnt done anything. I let the abuse slide as i didnt want to winde up any tension or make the sitatuion/breakup worse. My friends advised me to apologise for the hurt the breakup caused which i did.
1 week later, My ex texted me the night before at like 1am she was induced into labour that she was going to be induced and i asked her if she needs anything or wants me there, she said there isnt anything she needs and she said not to come and said it can take days until our son is born. 4 hours after this text she had given birth, but i had not been told this, and i had missed my sons birth. I recieve a text from bitter mother the next day that "he is here now come and see him". I was the last person to be contacted, her friends and family were all notifed immediatley, but they willingly contacted me late knowing that i wanted to be there (not in delivery room but in the hospital). The friends and family all saw my son before me and i knew this because of social media posts. I travelled from birmingham to london imediatly to see our son. When i arrived at the hospital, I was bitter because i was notifed last so i decided not to speak to her family and friends and see my son as the nurses allowed me. Upon picking up my son, My exs grandmother, my sons great grand mother, said "he will not be raised muslim, this is england not india, we dont do that here", her mother then proceedes to say he will eat what his grandmother feeds him, knowing i want my son to be muslim and eat halal food. She says why werent you here earlier, why are you here hours later making out to seem that i was some neglectful father who didnt care, her grand mother then policed me on how to pick up my child, how to hold him and how to change nappies, and threatend to kick me out, the nurse overheard this and said to her that i have a right to be here and i have 24hrs viewing access. then there was silence.
. They kept sayiing you should have been in london already we told you to book an airbnb in london, but i planned on booking it the day she was going into labour as that is when my paternity leave was due to start, i could not afford to pay a 300-400 so i can be there a week early.
I couldnt speak to my ex when I was at the hospital as they were in seperate wards, my son was in a special care unit and she was in her ward. So i spent a few hours with him. After the day had finished, it was too late and she had gone to sleep so i didnt want to disturb her so i went to my the hotel i booked.
I sent my ex a nice text saying thank you for delivering our son .etc and send gifts and flowers. I told her that my friends and family are coming down the next day from birmingham to see him. I walk into the hospital, and my exs mother started swearing at me saying im so horrible for not speaking to my ex after she had just given birth, and kept portaying me to be a Horrible personnt, she said that the messages and gifts dont mean anything even though my intentions in my text were me being grateful and thankful for the delivery of our son. She said your family and friends arent allowed to come, they have no right to be here, and said that she is going to get me banned from seeing my son if they come. I didnt believe or take serious what she said so ignored her and went to see my ex who was now with our son. my ex didnt speak to me once even though i tried to speak. A few hours later i went to grab lunch, and my family had already set of at this time. I told my ex that they are coming down to see him, and she said no, they dont have her permission to our son, eventhough no one from her side asked for my permission to vist and take photos. I couldnt believe what she was saying, she said that I couldnt see him at this point. Her mother overheard this, and said they she will ban them from coming but i laughed saying how and why are they doing this? I then get told that they will raise a safeguarding claim so im not allowed in the hospital. after my lunch i call the the head nurse to see if he is okay and if i can come down, and i am told that there is a safe guarding claim, and i cannot see my son, and they cannot dicuss anything about him to me as i am not on the birth certficate/i am not married. Eventhough this safeguarding claim is absolutely fictiuous. My family arrive and i had to turn them away. Since that day (2nd day of son being born), I have not seen him or heard of him. My ex has gone no contact and is not replying to any of my texts even though has read them. Throughout this entire situation my friends advised me to "bite my tongue and keep a level head" and ignore the abuse as it isnt the time or the place to have such discussions.
In navigating this challenging situation, my main concern is ensuring my son's well-being and maintaining a meaningful presence in his life. Despite my efforts to communicate and explore mediation options, my ex-partner's lack of response has added to the complexity of the situation.
Given the circumstances, I'm seriously considering seeking either full custody of my son, shared custody if that is a thing in the UK. I don't have access to the birth certificate but I know that they have no disclosed me on it. I've gathered compelling evidence regarding my ex-partner's living situation and behaviors, including substance abuse and instability within her household. It's clear that my son's best interests are at stake, and I'm committed to providing him with a safe and nurturing environment.
In terms of my own situation, I'm fortunate to have stable housing, financial stability, and flexibility in my schedule due to being a full-time student with part-time work (1 year left until i am a full time teacher, she isnt working and does not plan to and live on social welfare for the foreseeable future). I'm prepared to provide the stability and support that my son needs.
As I weigh my options, I'm considering pursuing shared custody initially, with the possibility of addressing schooling arrangements in court later on. Alternatively, I'm contemplating seeking full custody from the outset, given the concerns about my ex-partner's ability to provide a suitable environment for our son's upbringing. I do not want to take my child away completely from his mother as this is not right/islamic at all, I want us to coparent effectively so our son is raised with both parents. but this no contact thing makes it seem impossible. she has rejected to showing me the birth certificate and refused medations, (the mediator called her)
Ultimately, my chances of winning full custody will depend on various factors, including the strength of the evidence I've gathered and the court's assessment of what is in my son's best interests. Seeking guidance from a legal expert who specialises in family law will be crucial as I navigate this process.
My primary focus remains on ensuring that my son receives the love, care, and stability he deserves, regardless of the legal complexities involved.
Update: I have also contacted the police about the abusive behaviours from the my ex's mother. Id like to also mention that my son has a serious heart defect, and my exs mother is a habitual smoker regularly smoking cannabis and cigarettes, which is not ideal and can worsen his heart. he is due for an operation but I don't know when this is but I know its within the coming months. but I do not want him in a household that will hurt his health due to innapproiate care.

I’m not a regular Reddit user so I hope I’m doing this right. I have wanted to tell Charlotte this story for so long. A little background first. My MIL is my husband’s stepmother. His real mother “disappeared “ when he was 5 years old and has never been found. Everyone knows that his dad murdered her, even the police but there’s never been enough evidence to convict him. He married my MIL, who he was dating at the time of my husband’s mom’s disappearance. They had a child then later divorced. I’ve gotten along with my MIL, her daughter and husband since we met and they ushered me into the family with open arms.
So one Christmas a few years ago, they wanted to have brunch for Christmas. My husband and I both wanted a traditional Christmas meal. So I asked her politely if we could just go over there the next day to do a present exchange. She said absolutely not. I said ok, that’s fine, we’ll be there.
I have trouble with depression. I have been on medication since my early 20s. I have 2 stepdaughters from my husband’s first marriage. They were 12 and 14 when we met. That year was particularly hard for me because they were grown up and had jobs. So no more Christmas vacation with them to play with all the fun presents they got. No making Christmas goodies and gingerbread houses with. No one to trim the trim with. No one to watch Christmas movies with, etc.
So I really wasn’t feeling the Christmas spirit that year to begin with. I thought I had come up with the perfect solution for the food situation that would make everyone happy. I made a full spread Christmas dinner at the last minute on Christmas Eve at my own house for me and my husband. I posted a pic of the food to Facebook and wished everyone a Merry Christmas, which I do every year.
When I got to my SIL house the next day, I thought everything was fine. Then my MIL got there. Everything was not fine. She said she saw my Facebook post. “That was a final F U to me wasn’t it?”, she asked. I said,”Absolutely not! I would never do that. (Hubby) wanted Christmas dinner. I made him Christmas dinner. It had nothing to do with you. And I always post Merry Christmas to Facebook with pics of dinner. “. “Oh, ok”, she said.
Later, someone was walking around with a video camera and I said something about not wanting to be on video, quietly to my husband but my MIL overheard. She had a camera for still pics and said, “Oh, I won’t post them on Facebook “. I said, “Oh, I don’t care about that.”
The rest of the day went fine. I don’t remember when I posted it but sometime during those 2 days I posted “Worst Christmas Ever”. I didn’t elaborate and I was thinking about not having kids to celebrate Christmas with anymore when I wrote that. It had absolutely nothing to do with my MIL family or what had happened with the Christmas meal situation.
On the way home I was looking at Facebook when I see a reply from my MIL sister who I have never met. Apparently, my MIL had told her about the whole thing and she decided to chew me out on my Facebook for being ungrateful and telling me how much her family loved me. So I replied that I didn’t say anything about them. Then my SIL chimed in with the fact that I didn’t invite my stepdaughters to my house for Christmas Eve dinner. #1She couldn’t have known that unless she asked them. #2 They don’t eat that kind of food. At Christmas they eat rolls and deviled eggs without the filling. One of them eats ham, the other one gets her own chicken. They don’t eat what I cook.
The next day I see pics of the festivities on Facebook without me and my husband so I said, “Where are me and (hubby)?” “You said you didn’t want to be in any pictures. “. “No, I didn’t. I said video. “. At this, my SIL makes a text chat group with me, my husband, her and her mom. She lays out everything as she thinks it’s unfolded over the past few days. (Side note: Because of losing his mom at 5 years old and hearing it happen outside his bedroom window, he has learning disabilities which has made him functionally illiterate. There’s no way he’s gonna read a long text thread and his sister knows that!). So, then I explain my side, including what was just a misunderstanding about the pictures. Then my MIL says to me, who DID NOT start this crap, BTW, “Too much drama mamma. “. So I said, “You wanna talk about drama?! You’re the reason my husband’s real mom is dead. “. She refuses to speak to me. I even apologized. She’s such a coward that she won’t even talk to her “son”. My husband said to me because I was upset that I had ruined his relationship with his “mom”“When we got married, we became one. If they stab you in the back, they stab me in the back. “.
This woman hates his ex-wife because she cheated on him. She even believes that one of his daughters isn’t his. (She is. ) But one Thanksgiving, I was uninvited to dinner at their hours because she was going to be there. My husband was though. He didn’t go.
So AITA?

Long story short, One of my friends F(25) lives with her mother(51) we’ll call her mom, bricks. Her boyfriend moved to another state and wants to take her with him. So basically her mom uses her as a second piggy bank and takes everything she makes, bricks also screams at her for cleaning up after her. I mean bricks is 51 she should be able to clean up after herself, bricks is extremely narcissistic, she will say one thing then turn it around and act like she never said it. My friend is scared of her mother for many reasons, bricks is physically violent, screams constantly etc. bricks also has to make everything a competition, wether it be from how she can cook better to how my friend wasn’t rxped as bad as her. Basically everything. my friend went to Walmart to get some things the other day and offered bricks to come with her since bricks always complains about never going out. My friend was using her boyfriend’s card since she literally cannot afford to feed herself, once they got home bricks lost her mind. Screaming and everything bc my friend didn’t offer to buy her anything, she told her mom that her boyfriend doesn’t want his money spent on other people. Bricks said that since her boyfriend can buy her stuff then he can give her(bricks) money for rent, bricks also blames the boyfriend for her poor relationship with her daughter. Bricks is extremely jealous of my friends relationship with her boyfriend, mind you bricks and the boyfriend have only ever had like 3 conversation and bricks tries to manipulate my friend into thinking he’s a bad guy. (He’s not he’s an amazing person). Bricks has also asked my friend personal questions about boyfriend, asking the size of his yk what and how she can “steal” him from her. The boyfriend despises bricks, and bricks hates him because the boyfriend will not put up with her bs. My friend just takes it and can’t even defend herself or she’s told that she’s cutting bricks off, my friend gets forced to stand in one room and just get screamed at or law bricks will hurt her. Bricks has also threatened my friends life if she ever tries to leave, any time my friend is happy bricks gets extremely mad. Then somedays bricks acts all nice yet bricks has told my friend how she wish she never had her etc. bricks blames my friend for eating all of the food in the house because “she’s the biggest” yet my friend has developed an eating disorder because of bricks. Bricks is, manipulative, narcissistic, jealous, entitled etc. she also calls herself the world’s best mother. She constantly lies about other people as well, she told my friend that I was sending her death threats yet I never did. My friend is very skittish and easy to manipulate which is why Ive been helping her bf set things up to help her move out. Bricks has caused my friend to be late to her job and even get fired from one because if my friend even tries to walk away she is physically grabbed and slammed against a wall and told not to move until she’s done. Mind you bricks can scream in her face for hours and my friend won’t even say a word.
When my friend moves out should we call the police so she can do it without the possibility of getting hurt? Does anyone else think that bricks needs serious help? She needs to grow up big time.

NSFW Warning
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have) it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike.
My mother is narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me).
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was q9 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things slide gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I could never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I'm trying to get therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.

Just a little backstory here. From the get-go, my mother never had an easy life. She had to help her mom take care of her siblings when her father passed away, and it seems she was cursed with a horrible husband, who emotionally abused her and left her to raise four kids alone, while taking all the glory as a patriarch of the family.
When I was a child, my mother was a strongest person I knew, and I admired her a lot. I did what I could to support her and help her the best way I could. But as I got older, I realized that I started feeling like an emotional dumpster for her. It started to affect my mental health, because it felt like all she wanted to tell me was about something negative, happening to her, or my siblings. I stopped feeling like her child, and started feeling like another parent, because she stopped tracing me like a because she stopped treating me like her child. It felt like I couldn’t even hear any form of good news from her. Something negative was always happening It felt like I couldn’t even hear any form of good news from her. Something negative was always happening always. Always. I had to suffer and deal with my depression about it alone.
When we migrated to the US, I thought she was going to get better. I thought she would be happier to be closer to her family. Boy was I wrong. Being an immigrant has its struggles, or probably it’s because I got older and I realize that it is not OK for me to be an emotional dumpster. I couldn’t always be taking in the bad stuff. I didn’t like the person I was becoming, and I knew my mom had a hand in it. I tried talking to her, to make her see things from my point of view and understand how her words have been affecting me for years, but she blew up on me, I guess when you have become so dependent on someone you don’t like when they talk back.
Over the years, our relationship has become really strained. Since trying to reason with her was not working, I started distancing myself and trying to create a personality that was not negative. And it worked. But I could not shake away my mother, because according to her, she had no one but me to talk to. I am not kidding when I say that every single phone call or visit I have with her always comes with a bad news come. She is the most depressing person. I am not kidding when I say that every single phone call or visit I have with her always comes with bad news. She is the most depressing person I know. She never has anything good to tell me.
It’s like when something negative happens to her, which happens to everyone because that’s how life works, she hyper fixate on it and makes that all her day. Recently, she was so tired from work that she accidentally walked out of the store with an item, and now the store is suing her for a class B misdismeanor. Her job told her not to come back until the case is over, and now she feels like her life is over.
Every single day, I call her and I try to cheer her up, but it feels like my own energy gets sapped instead and I leave the call drained. I have tried everything, from spending time with her to giving her little presents that she likes, but it feels like she refuses to get better, and it’s getting harder for me to cheer myself up after spending time with her. I can’t help her, because this is her pattern. It’s like she loves the misery she is putting herself through and the court date isn’t till July. I plan on distancing myself, because going down the depression path is not on my calendar for this year.

I'm going to be in NYC for the first time and would love to get tattooed. I have no idea what my schedule will be like, so could anyone give me a rec on good walk in shops? I'll be in brooklyn and the lower east side for most of my trip. Thanks in advance.

To get his best friend tattooed on him and say you next

I’m not anti gun. I legally have a licensed firearm. Now that’s out of the way my sister, and her husband weren’t/aren’t, they own multiple firearms, and are Colorado residents.
In a mere few months my sister went from a happy wife, loving mother of two, with a phd in psychology working with special needs children - to insane.
She has gone from being sweet natured the first 35 years on this planet to so manic and delusional and full of rage the only thing I can compare it to is how actors in movies behave when they are possessed by a demon, and the priest is trying to pull it out. Not hyperbolic.
What’s very bad here is she’s convinced her husband wants to kill her. All guns were removed from their home weeks back. Things have continued to escalate - my brother in law, and nieces are living with my parents who moved to Colorado to be near the grandkids.
She’s so manic/paranoid/delusional she did $12,300 in damages to their home. Not factored into that insurance estimate, she threw away everything wardrobe wise tied to her daughters from bows to shoes - she was meticulous. Put it all in the trash, and poured gasoline over everything. Thankfully, whatever reason she didn’t light it - probably, lack of lighter. Then took off in a car with no wallet or ID. Her car was found abandoned in New Mexico with the keys in the ignition. She was picked up by the police 48 hrs later on some random highway, and a seven day psy hold was done.
She is now out.
You all have ZERO idea how hard it is to force psychiatric care - we even found an ad she typed for Craigslist (but didn’t post) looking for a hitman. Police said because it wasn’t posted with a monetary amount it’s not enough of a sign of “grave risk of violence”.
I’ll skip the other insane things she’s done.
She is a threat to others - that’s reality.
She has no psychiatric record in Colorado as the 1001 things she’s done aren’t enough for forced evaluation - you must have solid proof someone is “grave threat of suicide or homicide”.
In Ohio it is very easy to get a gun via private buyer. Out there, Colorado, it’s private sellers have to start background checking in 2025 correct? Currently, private sales can/do take place. Regardless, everything is vague on psychiatric history… a judge has to rule an individual unable to purchase a gun?
My sister is beautiful, poised (well was), and can appear sane long enough to buy a gun. Odds are if this occurs, and she’d have to have cash hidden somewhere she hasn’t used - she will end up in prison for attempted murder or murder.
I sound hyperbolic. Again, I’m not.
Her husband is consumed with emergency full custody/restraining order that states she can’t be anywhere near her daughters.
My 75 year old father asked me to look up Colorado gun laws, but you just had all this stuff hit the floor for a vote. The law doesn’t mean it’s followed. I can’t find what Colorado considers mental health illegibility - and this entire thing is upsetting to even be doing.
Turns out bi polar can develop at any age and turn a loved one into an unrecognizable monster. Pretend this is your sister, and like you she’s in Colorado. How easy will it be for her to get a firearm? Cash. As easy as Ohio?
Appreciate your time.
Also, she does have a conceal carry permit.

TLDR; My kids don't like their dad, even so far as resent him because he is always working.
I (f30) have been with my husband (m30) for 12 years. Together we have a ten year old daughter and a five year old son. Both special needs. Husband is suspected to be on the spectrum.
My husband and I grew up in vastly different childhoods. He is an immigrant from the Philippines and had a family that showed no affection or love. I, however, grew up with a Mom who never let us forget how much she loved us. This has played a big role in our parenting styles.
My husband and my daughter have never had the best relationship. To my perspective it seem that he just doesn't know how to act with kids. They are also so alike that they can butt heads. When my son was born, my husband had a much easier time bonding with him. Up until 1.5 years old, they were two peas in a pod. My daughter was 6 when I had my son, and she saw the difference In how they were treated.
Side note: my daughter has been in therapy since 5 due to catastrophic anxiety and has even had to be medicated.
My daughter started to think her dad didn''t like her, which was understandable to me. And it was something she worked on in therapy. Then the dialoged changed from thinking her dad doesn't like her, to now she doesn't like her dad.
My husband has always worked hard to provide for us, making sure bills are always paid, there's always food, etc. I always worked full time as well, until 2020. In 2020 my husband got a job as an executive chef, since the kids had to be home due to covid, we decided I would quit my job and stay with the kids. It was cheaper than child care.
If you look up "what it's actually like being a chef's wife" you instantly see it's very lonely. My husband works 16-18 hour days, he has two scheduled days off, but sometimes he has to go in on those days as well. When he is home he does his best to help out and spend time with us. However, he is understandably exhausted.
Once my son started pre-k, he no longer gets to see my husband very much at all. His bus arrives before his dad is up, and his dad gets home after my son is asleep. He see's him sundays, and Monday evenings. That's it. My husband missed him growing into childhood. My daughter only see's him every day because her school starts later and he often takes her to school. She's asleep before he gets home as well. I feel like a single parent most of the time.
On my own I got my daughter's mental health stable and got her off meds by age 8.
My daughter kept consistent with saying she doesn't like her dad, only it changed to hate. She started saying she hates when he is home. Even though in my eyes, their relationship looks (on the surface,) to be much better now that she is older. My son, four at the time, started to say he didn't like daddy, only mommy.
I talked to my husband about spending more time with them, try to bond a little more, maybe take an occasional day off (he hasn't taken one off in four years). He felt really guilty and spiraled into a deep depression. In his head, there is NO room for adjusting his schedule, or taking extra time off.
Another side note: In the middle of all this my husband was offered a different exec chef job, which would of paid about the same, but we would of had benefits, PTO, Bonuses, and a family friendly schedule. But it's corporate, which he hates. He loves where he cooks at now.
Both kids have been keeping up with the negative feelings toward their dad (it's very obvious he loves them). Everytime I tried to talk to my daughter about it, go deeper, as in WHY she feels this way, I was met with "I don't know" and she would shut down.
Yesterday I pick up my daughter from school and when we get home she sees her dad is home. Instantly her attitude changes and she starts saying how she hates her dad, she wishes he wasn't home and that he would just leave forever. However this time she told me a little more. She's depressed, she wanted to go back on meds, and she's just having a hard time all together. She told me she resented her dad for never being there. That he isn't her father and she would be happy if she never saw him again.
I validated her feelings, I mean, I totally get where she is coming from, and I let her know we would get through this together.
It hurts my heart to hear these things. I don't know how to handle the situation.
Should I tell my husband and hope it gets through to him enough for him to make a change? Or do I just spare my husband feelings because most likely nothing is going to change and this way we'd avoid another depression episode, and just be there for my daughter, handle it on my own?
HELP!