I have been talking to this girl for a while. She is a very nice girl and we like talking to eachother. She is a very active girl, cycling, hiking etc. Can be in the woods for ages and doesn't care about SC, IG, FB etc. Dont have her number (asked for it but hasn't replied yet xD).
It can go anywhere from 2 days - 2 weeks before she answers, and then talks for a good amount and then disappear again.
We met not so long ago so we are in the start phase, but both very open. She moved away from the summer so not just to go to her house and meet up.
What should i do? Should i just be patient and wait for over summer and hope its getting better after? Or should i say something?
Sorry bad English.

I’m 24, and have lived with severe general and social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I just never realized how bad it was truly hindering my life. A year and a half ago me and my ex who I was with for 4 years split. She was all I knew and all I cared about that entire time, and I felt lucky to even have her in the first place and due to my anxiety thought I was destined to be alone forever.
I end up moving back in with my parents because I already work for my dad’s company. I have worked there for 2 years but it’s not really a job I see working out in the long run. I have thought this almost since I started working for him but continued to work there because it was good money and convenient.
Now that I’ve finally been prescribed anxiety medication, which I didn’t choose to do until I absolutely obsessed over a girl I had only talked to for a month and thought she was the one (stupid I know) but she didn’t feel the same way and it ended. Every minute of the day I thought about her for a month after the fact that she ended it.
This situation caused many breakdowns and terrible depression, but it finally got me to go to a doctor and get medicine. After being on this medicine for a few weeks I feel a lot different. My mind is finally clear enough to think about the things that are actually important. I’ve realized I haven’t been in the driver seat of my life since I’ve been an adult. My ex was my life and I let her chase her dreams while I worked a shitty job for years supporting her. Then I went to working a shitty job for my dad and relying on him and my family for a home and work.
I’m 24 now and it feels like I’ve wasted a lot of my life, but I am currently finally able to focus on myself and start my own life. I am applying to a nursing program, and may be a little late in doing so, but I know what I want to do now and am working towards it and that is such a relief.
Sorry for the long post just needed to get that out there somewhere. Hope people in similar situations to what I was in can get the help they need!

Background & Context:

Throwaway account. This isn’t an immediate issue, or even an issue anymore. This relationship issue happened when I was 18. Now I’ve been in a loving relationship with my current girlfriend (we’ll call Mia) for 3 years (I love her to bits, I can’t understate that). This topic came up when I was talking to a group of people about our relationship history. I talked about my first relationship as nowadays I find it to be a funny story. Everyone laughs when I tell it, but they usually come to the conclusion that she was a raging A-hole and gaslit me, even though to this day, I think we’re both at MASSIVE faults for our behaviour. My closest friends have even nicknamed her ‘the devil’. It feels weird to me that despite feeling like I was also an A-hole, but everyone around me thinks otherwise. I was telling my girlfriend about this and she’s like, ‘you know what, you should post this on reddit, it’d be really funny to see the responses!’ Few days later here we are. Now that I’ve gotten context out of the way, Imma just start telling the story.

PART 1 - This is Where I Feel I Was Asshole:

Before The Break-Up:

After some time in the relationship, (I think 2-3 months in, not entirely sure), I felt absolutely awful. Not because she (we’ll call her Emily) was a bad person, not at all. 3 months-ish into the relationship, there were entire days were I would ball my eyes out, or feel completely sick, not able to really do anything apart from contemplate the state of the relationship, mostly because I felt like I was putting in a lot of effort, and she wasn’t putting in effort at all. I think around 3 months in, I ‘talked’ about how I thought ‘the relationship felt like a friendship’. I wasn’t completely open with how much it was affecting me at all (which was an issue on my end), however she kindly set her boundaries, saying how she thought the relationship was fine. She wasn’t mean or anything (maybe AT WORST), slightly dismissive. It was a very civil conversation. I did leave that conversation feeling better, but I also left that conversation thinking I was asking for way too much out of the relationship, and that relationships aren’t really how I thought they’d be. Regardless we move on.
Later on into our relationship, we go on one of our dates, and I remember it being one of the most draining outings I’ve ever had. On my end, and her end as well. I was drained because she was having a bad day before our date, and was frankly being rude to me when it wasn’t really justified. On her end, there were times when I being an idiot and frankly embarrassing, which looking back on it, WAS DEFINITELY TRUE. I remember we were making a joke on the train, and I got to into it and loudly said ‘GANG SH*T’, and then immediately regretted it because 2 or 3 old ladies looked at me, and Emily looked absolutely awe-struck with embarrassment. (Spoiler: A lack of self-awareness in certain moments plays a crucial role later in this post. I read my friend this story, and she said to me, please state that you are also autistic as I feel it also plays a crucial role in this story. I don’t know if that helps but that’s what she says I should say, so yeah). During the end of this date, when we’re both clearly kinda beat up, she brings up the point ‘Does this relationship still feel like a friendship to you?’. We had a civil conversation about it, got some pizza at a pizza place, and left the date on a rather sour note.

Break-Up:

Okay, let’s fast forward to the time when I ask her ‘Can we talk at ‘x’ location?’ This was after the semester in the summer. I wasn’t completely dead-set on ending the relationship, but I was pretty sure within this conversation, it was probably going to happen. She agreed, but later on the day, she texted me that she’d rather talk on the phone (later on within that conversation she jokingly said, ‘I’m not gonna lie, I’m not going to get all dressed up to get broken up with man’, which got a good laugh out of both of us’). We talked on the phone about the relationship and our issues with it, and at the time I thought ‘Yo, this is like the best break-up ever!’. There was very clearly no sort of strong dislike or hate between us despite our moments. We even started jokingly roasting each other during the conversation, laughing our assess of. Hell, she even said that she’ll invite me to her 19th birthday party at the end of the conversation. We even said to each other ‘let’s not tell our school friends that we’ve broken up, and then act like the most platonic homies ever in front of them!’ We both left that call feeling good about ourselves. I told my friends (who didn’t go into the school about the interaction), and they were happy. One of them even said ‘you delayed what could’ve possibly been one of the most calmest break-ups ever’. I texted her about what her friends said, and she said that she was going to tell them in the evening. I didn’t hear back from her about her friends, but didn’t really think anything of it. We very much occasionally texted sometimes in the summer. Sometimes about working out, sometimes about music…don’t really remember much of it, but it was calm (or at least I thought it was calm).
(As I type out this paragraph right now, I indefinitely cringe. The lack of self-awareness from me in this story is…a lot to say the least).

After The Break-Up (Back To School):

I go back to school to see Emily and my friend studying on a table. I see Emily and get slightly nervous, I haven’t seen her face to face for months on end, but I go up to her and my friend, and dap them both up. We have our conversations, go to class, and go home. It did feel VERY awkward being around her, and I did sense that something was wrong, but I chalked it up to, ‘Oh, you’ve just met your ex after months on end, it’s going to be slightly awkward’.
I saw my other friend (we’ll call Daisy), the next day, and she had broken up with her girlfriend. I asked her how the break up went, and she said the break-up went decently. She then asked me about my relationship break up. My brain goes ‘hold on, my ex told you about it?’. Additionally, she asked me that in the most sad way possible. I immediately knew that something was off. I ask her, ‘Yo what did she tell you?’. I’m going to give a very approximate re-enactment about how the convo went.
Daisy: She’s really hurt, from what I said
Me: What did I say?
Daisy: She said that she felt really hurt, the fact that you called her disgusting-
MY EYES WIDEN. I was like WHAT?!? ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT. OH MY GOD, I FEEL AWFUL…NOOOOOOOOOOO’
Daisy looked at me like she expecting my reaction, like completely unphased. She said to me that she told Emily:
Daisy: ‘You should probably talk to him, because that’s definitely not what he meant.’
Emily: ‘No, I’m tired of explaining myself to people’
I remember the feeling to this day, I felt absolutely awful in the moment. I’ve genuinely never felt worse about hurting a person in my life. I asked Daisy whether I should talk to Emily about the situation and apologise to her, but Daisy said that Emily really doesn’t wanna talk to me again, and that the damage has already been done. Maybe you can apologise in the future, but to give her some time. After school, I go home from this incident, still feeling like shit, and call my friend to tell her about my mistake. We’ll call this friend Steph. Steph listens to me, and doesn’t look amused. She says to me….
Steph: I don’t believe you called her disgusting
Me: What do you mean?
Steph: What did you say to her?
Me: I said to her that during the relationship there were times that I felt sick and couldn’t do anything in the day, as well as struggling with attraction (VERY BRIEFLY, LIKE A FEW SECONDS). Also during the break up, fast forwarding when we were both in a jokey mood, my ex said to me:
‘Why did you DM me a few days before this break-up calling me babe?’ ‘Like you knew this moment was coming hahaha’
Me: ‘Girl, when I did that I was absolutely DISGUSTED’
She laughs and we continue talking to each other making jokes and releasing some tension.
Steph says to me: So, you didn’t flat out say to her face, that she was disgusting…in a serious or jokey tone?
Me: I mean, what I said, can CLEARLY be interpreted as such man. Even though I didn’t flat out say it, I shouldn’t have said any of that, whether it was in a jokey or serious tone. And looking back on that, it’s stupid that I didn’t take that break-up as seriously as it should’ve have. Like…come on, I’m an idiot for roasting and joking around in a moment that should be taken seriously.
Steph: But she was joking around too right?
Me: yeah…
Steph: And she was roasting you too…right?
Me: yeah…
Steph: So why is she mad? That doesn’t make any sense.
Me: I mean, I don’t remember, but knowing me, I probably initiated the jokes.
Steph: Bro, don’t assume. And even if you did initiate the jokes, she would’ve had to play along as well. And the fact that she just assumed that what you said, meant that you found her disgusting, and didn’t find her physically attractive, without talking to you about that…DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
Me: I don’t know…I still feel like I shouldn’t have done any of that
Steph: Bro, don’t PURELY blame yourself. Hell EVEN HER FRIEND TOLD HER, THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU MEANT! AND SHE DECIDED TO RUN OFF WITH HER ASSUMPTION ANYWAY!
As you can see, my friend was pissed on my behalf. She didn’t really convince me, I still felt awful for a LONG TIME. Okay let’s keep going with this story, it’s a long one

Birthday & ‘The Talk’

My ex and I, have the same birthday. Shocking I know. We were both in school, I didn’t see my ex for the entire day, but even if I did, her friend told me that she really didn’t wanna talk to me, so it’s not like I would talk to her in the first place.
When I went to get lunch, I saw Daisy and Emily were sitting at the table having lunch. I saw my ex, and I made sure not to make eye-contact and walked past them. I thought in my head, she probably wants to enjoy her birthday, and probably doesn’t want to see her ex who called her disgusting on her birthday. A day later, I talk to Daisy, and the topic of Emily comes up. Daisy said to me that Emily was looking for me on our birthday, to also wish me happy birthday, and got upset that when she finally saw me, I walked past her and ignored her. AGAIN, I FEEL AWFUL, but in the back of my head, I’m just like ‘wait, I swear she said she doesn’t wanna talk to me’. I inquire Daisy on this. (Unfortunately, since it’s been years now, I don’t remember what Daisy said). So bing-bang-boom, later on in the day, Daisy, my ex, Emily and my old friend group meet up. Emily smiles at me, but also looks emotionally beat-up. Bro, when I saw I almost teared up, and was like ‘not today, not today, not today’. After some small talk within the group, I ask Emily to talk privately with her. She was amicable and agreed to go to talk privately.
The first thing I did was apologise, and says that’s not what I meant at all, and clarified my feelings. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I said the comment about me being disgusted about my Instagram DM was meant playfully, to criticise my own behaviour. Additionally, when I said I was struggling with attraction and felt sick during the relationship, it wasn’t because of how you look. It was because of the nature of the relationship, and how I felt like I was putting inn way too much effort (within that conversation, I was trying to omit the fact that I felt like she put in no effort at all. I felt weird putting blame on her for that in the time) I even admitted within the break-up conversation, that I still felt attraction to her, but I know the relationship wasn’t working, as so did she. She said:
‘Well, I’m not going to ask for clarification, like oh maybe he didn’t mean this, when someone says something as blatant as that’
We talk some more. Emily said that she didn’t want to be friends because she was VERY hurt about what I said, but if we ever see each other, that we can be civil. She gives a lot of points about the break-up. I remember in my head disagreeing with the points, but unfortunately while I’m writing this post, I don’t remember those points. The conversation that we had was very civil and respectful. I remember that I disagreed with the points that she put forward, but I didn’t give any push-back. I was there to take responsibility for my stupidity and negligence, and apologise. Daisy told Emily what I said about just being there to apologise, and emily got annoyed saying ‘Why is he trying to act like my therapist?’ to her. Daisy told me she said this…I was confused but decided to leave it there, and not talk to Emily again, and reflect on how I communicate with people,, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone like that again.

Conclusion

Okay, everything I’ve said here, to this day, I still believe that I’m a MASSIVE ass-hole. The way I talked to her whether jokingly or not within that conversation was unacceptable. I should’ve kept it serious, no roasting, and not to give jokes at the expense of the other WHATSOEVER within a context as a big as that. Due to that, I hurt someone that I really cared about. Agree with me or not, that’s how I feel to this day. The experience has helped me for the better as it did help me change my behaviour in terms of how I communicate, and be more conscious of what I say. It’s carried on YEARS later, and whilst I slip up and may occasionally hurt someone’s feelings or say something out of pocket, it can easily be solved with a ‘hey, please don’t say that’, and nowhere near as bad as someone who is supposed attracted to you, feeling DISGUSTING. From here, this is where she does some things that dictate her as a massive asshole.

PART 2- This is Where I Feel SHE Was An Asshole:

Making Up

3-4 weeks go by , she seems a lot more chirpy and happy when I occasionally see her in school. One day she taps me on the shoulder, and says ‘Hey, I’ve thought about our conversation, and I think I’m over everything[…]I’d appreciate it if we can be cool again, if you would like, and we can hang out in the same circles. I light up and I say ‘yeah, that’d be nice’. Being in the same friend-circle with her was nice. We didn’t talk face-to-face often, but everything was friendly and cool.

Water-Incident:

3 days later. Somebody in our group spills water onto the ground in the cafeteria. I try to clean it. Emily and my other friend (we’ll call Marco) go to get some cleaning roll. She comes back giving me a death-stare. I was startled, but for some reason thought nothing of it. I thought it might’ve been how I was cleaning the water, as she’s very big on cleaning. She says ‘WHY CAN’T YOU GUYS CLEAN?’ Marco makes a joke along the lines saying ‘Men don’t know how to clean’ or something like that. She laughs, and I start thinking that ‘oh this is a bit’. As we’re cleaning the water off the ground, and then let the water soak into the tissue, she goes away from the water, and starts ranting to her friend. My friend and I start laughing, as we think it’s a bit. She storms out and says ‘it’s not funny’. Instantly I froze. I went over to her friend (we’ll call him Kyle. BTW Fck Kyle. He was a terrible person that sexually harasses women, despites them saying that they’re uncomfortable. I didn’t know about that during the time of this story, but I knew that later on during that year. Kyle, I if you’re reading this, I hope you’ve changed your ways, if not, fck you, sincerely). I went over to Kyle’s table and asked, ‘Yo is Emily okay?’
Kyle: It’s not my place to say what happened
Me: slightly panick Bro, I just wanna know if she’s okay
Kyle: okay…YOU AND EMILY GOT SOME ISSUES! AND YOU GOT SOME STUFF TO FIGURE OUT!
She shouted at me in front of the cafeteria, with multiple tables looking at me, some people laughing, and some people looking sorry for me.
Kyle walks away, and I just stand there for 5-10 seconds, give a large exhale, put my palms in to my hand, and walk back to the group. When Emily comes back, I ask her if she’s okay. She said something alone the lines of ‘Don’t make fun of someone, and then ask them if they’re okay straight afterwards…’. (She wasn’t mad at Marco for some reason, but was mad at me, but as Daisy said ‘I knew how her anxiety worked’.) I walk away from the group, and go outside and just look up at the sky. I thought that I had fucked up again, and not able to realise when I’ve crossed a line. I distanced myself from the group, and just stayed alone from a bit and studied for the upcoming exams. I was studying for around 14 hours a day, and when I wasn’t studying, I was thinking that I was a terrible person. It was probably that, and the combination of exam-stress that lead to me getting my first panic-attack when hanging out with my friends. When Emily came up to my group of friends with someone else, I left the group, and just wanted to be in my own space.

Getting jealous of multiple girls I was talking to and proceeds to stare them down:

I was talking to other girls in a group. Not in a romantic way. I was NOT in the space for another relationship, especially when I don’t know when I’ve crossed a line. I didn’t want to hurt anyone the same way I hurt Emily. There was a girl (we’ll call her Lacey) and another girl (we’ll call her Selena) that I got on pretty well with. We’ve been talking for a few months at this point. I was talking to them during my lunch-time, and I told her the story about my ex and I. She said to me ‘Is your ex the girl that’s been death-staring me?’
Me: Wait what?
Lacey: Yeah, whenever I talk to you should just death-stares me for ages. It’s made me so uncomfortable, I’ve wanted to get up from my seat and say ‘excuse me, do we have a problem?’
This battle between them apparently lasted for the ENTIRE YEAR until they never saw each other again.
Selena has talked to her and said to me ‘Yeah…I’m not going to lie, I don’t like her, you can do better’
I was like ‘guys, relax’
Them: My bad, my bad.
Selena: But, there’s better out there.
I was also notified by another woman that my ex death-stared them and made them uncomfortable because of it. That was really weird to me, but hey I wasn’t talking to her anymore, and I just minded my business. I haven’t talked to her since that ‘water incident’.

Make-Up No.2

Emily hits me up on Instagram, wanting to call. We have a chat about the current state of affairs, and both admitted that we had feelings for each other to summarise. She admitted that she was jealous seeing me hang out with other girls, and that she got mad at me again within the 3 days that we made up, and said ‘my bad about that’. We further clarified some stuff about the relationship, and we made up. I think a few days later - FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON, I DO NOT REMEMBER WHY, MY FRIENDS TO THIS DAY MAKE FUN OF ME FOR THIS - I asked her out. Maybe, it was the feeling of wanted to being rejected to fully get over her, I don’t know man. I was in a bad space. My friend as I’m reading her this draft, has now gotten on her knees, and started praying for my sanity. Emily rejected me, and to be honest the day after, I thanked god that we didn’t get back together.

‘Exploding at me’

We were hanging out in a group. I was being relatively quiet, and had learnt to shut up and think before I speak quite consistently until this point. I looked at Emily and she looked upset. I looked at her and was about to ask whether she was okay. From my glance alone, she exclaims at me: ‘If you ask me if I’m okay, I will shout/snap at you, just saying’. I put my hands up completely startled. I was thinking maybe she hates me asking if she’s okay. It had become a meme in the friend-group that I over ask people whether they’re okay if I think they look sad, so maybe I was annoying her.
Now, she later apologised a few days later saying Kyle had sexually harassed her, and she was really tense within that moment, and just exploded. NOW, people who were there said I was unfairly treated, however, something that’s as serious and harmful as that happening to someone, I understand blowing up at someone. So we moved on. As I said before, f*ck Kyle.

I WASN’T fully sure why she didn’t like me in this moment:

I saw Emily sad during the day, seeming sort of upset. I message her on Instagram during that evening ‘Hey, I know it’s a bit of a meme of me asking people if they’re okay, but you looked upset today and I wanted to know if everything was good?’. She laughs and says ‘everything is good’
I literally walked up to the group the next day, try to fist-bump everyone, and when I put my fist towards her, she ignored me. I thought she didn’t see me, so I stupidly fist-bumped everyone again and went towards her. This moment is comedic gold. She winces at me, and disapprovingly waves. My friend Marco says ‘Ooooooooo’, I’m like ‘woah’ and completely freeze, with my fist still in the air. Daisy tries to break the awkward silence and says ‘it’s just one of those days’. I’m completely frozen with my fist, still in the air during all of this happening, in complete awe, thinking to myself ‘what did I do this time?’. Daisy, to release me from this state, proceeds to rapidly first bump me 10 times. Once I register what’s fully happened, I leave the group and sit with my friends. I heard her from the other end of the cafeteria complaining about me to her friends. After that scenario, I didn’t talk to her one-to-one for the rest of the year, and tried to avoid talking to her. I accepted after that moment that no matter how I act, I’m going to be met with a negative reaction.
Later on after school had ended, I found out that she was upset because she thought I was dating my CURRENT girlfriend. Now to be brief, I met this girl in the beginning of the year. I remember we started talking very frequently as she was cool, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship whatsoever. She said really liked me, and in her words jokingly says that ‘she just waited patiently’. We went out for a couple of times, but these weren’t clarified to be dates (EVENTHOUGH nowadays we basically call them dates), and she admitted she liked me. I said that she was lovely, but that I wasn’t mature enough for a relationship, and that ‘you probably don’t want to date me’. I did start slowly developing feelings for her. All of this date stuff happened after being rejected from my ex. Now we weren’t dating at the time, and were strictly on friend terms. I guess it might’ve been obvious that we both liked each other, considering that Emily got upset and didn’t talk to me. Near the end of the year, we started dating, and as I’ve said before, we’re still dating to this day. Marco called it out that we liked each once we started dating, and we were like ‘welp, I guess the secret’s out lol’. Yeah that’s about it there.

A year later, Emily texts me when I’m studying my university degree, telling me I’m a dickhead, even though I blocked her:

I’m on facetime with my girlfriend. I believe we’re a year and a bit into our relationship, and then my ex texts me. Keep in mind, I’ve blocked my girlfriend on all platforms, and deleted her number. I should’ve blocked her number, because she decides text me, saying something along the lines of:
‘Hey it’s Emily here. Just wanna say you’re a dickhead for leading me on for 3 months, and telling me that you liked me when you didn’t. Thanks for adding to my trauma and my trust issues with people. Hope you and your current girlfriend are doing okay!’
Me: w-what? I’m so confused.
Seconds after, I then decide not to give a second thought, and then I blocked her.
Conclusion:
This was a long-story, but here’s my proper conclusion. I think I was an asshole for how I broke up with her as said in Part 1. I also think I was flat-out stupid for agreeing to be friends with her, despite her clearly resenting me. I think she’s the asshole for treating me horribly after the break-up, making some of my female friends feel uncomfortable by staring at them, getting mad at me multiple times without telling me she was properly mad, and then sending me an awful text, even when I’ve blocked her on all platforms.
Okay long story done. Discuss y'all.

Background: I (38M) have a 4 month old with my ex-gf (34F). I am the sole earner for our the household, she still lives with me with the baby. Each paycheck I give her what I can so that she always has some spending money, usually she gets equal or more money from me every two weeks than what I have for myself after paying all the bills and buying all the food. This money is around $350-400 every two weeks. I do this because she and I had a baby and the initial idea was for her to be a SAHM. Unfortunately our relationship crumbled during the pregnancy because IMO she has severe untreated mental illness that she refuses to deal with. We both come from VERY traumatic childhoods, but hers was much worse than mine...and mine was pretty damn bad.
Needless to say the pregnancy was a rollercoaster, she didn't work except for about 3 weeks the entire pregnancy, which I was fine with. What I wasn't fine with was her repeatedly breaking up with me and getting back together, leaving while I was at work to fly to stay with her friend, and absolutely destroying my apartment and breaking all my valuables in a rage because of something she read on my phone between my best buddy while I was asleep about how some girl was attractive. We patched things up and I sent a ticket for her to come back to try and be a family, but she would NEVER move on from any of our extremely stupid and small issues in the face of having a child. It was like I was supposed to apologize 800 times a day for perceived sleights 6 months ago, and no exaggeration she said outright that I should spend the rest of my life apologizing. I asked her how a relationship like that was even possible, but she did not have an answer.
So eventually I was done and broke things off with her because of how toxic the situation was and her emotional moodswings and threats to me. Since having the child all I do is try to maintain peace and order in my house for our kids' sake, to have stability and try not to damage him psychologically from the drama and erratic behaviors of his mother. She goes out and does not tell me where she's going, leaving me with the baby on weekends, and also will not tell me when she is coming back, or if she does, she will turn up often 4-5 hours after when she said she would be home. She will ruin my ability to make any weekend plans ever because she refuses to stick to a schedule or communicate maturely.
I have documentation that the first overnight trip she took was when my child was approximately TWO MONTHS OLD, I think being away overnight from a 2 month old is wildly inappropriate, and she has been leaving the child for overnights on weekends with "friends" pretty regularly ever since. Last night though (thurs night) was a new low, she woke me up at 2:30am to say she was going to her girlfriend's house who just had a baby because her husband had to take the mother in law to the hospital, and that she would stay with her until I got home from work the next day at 7. I told her I thought that this is inappropriate to be taking a 4 month old out of its home at 3am with people she barely knows, and also, that as his father she's interrupting my ability to sleep and work to provide for my son because I am not going to be able to sleep when my kid is leaving my home at 3am randomly. We got into a big argument about this but it is 100% clear she cares more about this husband and wife than she cares about me as my child's father, and she even referenced how my child prefers it over there and that her gf's husband "made her food", I literally make dinner for her constantly and provide all the groceries for our home.
I feel like she is being erratic and does not make good judgements at all and doesn't value stability (which is why we are not together anymore), and I fear for my son growing up in a chaotic, emotionally confusing environment. I hate hate HATE this so much and don't know what to do. I have no family who can help with any kind of childcare but I worry that I will have to pursue custody if this keeps up. AITAH for thinking my child should not be leaving home at 3am for some OTHER family's emergency, as a four month old?

I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for 6 years. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year and after 4 rounds of chemo and an out-of-state stem cell transplant, was given 1-2 years left to live in January. He has continued palliative chemo since then and things have been relatively calm, his oncologist even told us he was doing great. On May 16th he had a Grand Mal seizure and I was there to witness it and call the ambulance. He got to the hospital, they discovered 3 new brain tumors and he was then put on a ventilator for 4 days to try and control his seizures.
The past year has been traumatic enough as is, but this has pushed me over the edge. I feel like a shell of myself. I get such vivid images of his seizure in my head and I physically wince. He is now on hospice care and I feel like all the medical trauma from the past year has just slammed into me all at once. I haven’t been able to get out of bed for two days at the thought of having to witness another seizure or medical emergency.
Im posting because I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m in therapy but it’s mostly just to vent. If anyone has gone through anything similar, what are your coping mechanisms? How do you control the debilitating thoughts? I want to be able to support my boyfriend at the end of his life, not be curled up in my bed unable to move.

I had this realization in the last 15 minutes of therapy yesterday and figured this was a good a place as any to get more off my chest.
I (33F) have been married to my husband (37M) for 6 years, together for 12. I've always had a great relationship with his family, his parents welcomed me with open arms from day one. They're the nicest people and really low maintenance in-laws for the most part. However, his mom is just... so much. She raised two sons who are just like their dad (introverted, bookish, lowkey, atheist) whereas she's an extremely extroverted, social, liberal catholic. I'd describe her as giving off "kooky aunt" vibes, or that girl on tiktok who impersonates her wacky boomer mom who can't break bad news in a normal way. And she's obsessed with me.
As you can probably imagine, she's really, really, REALLY into the concept of "finally" having a daughter. And normally I'd be happy to play the part, but I also have a mother I am very close (read: enmeshed) with and don't have the energy to muster a second similar relationship with. We have plenty in common like baking, yoga, and reading, but she just wants more from me than I can give her and her behaviors make it hard to want to try harder.
Some examples for context:

• Despite being one of the chattiest people I know, she's extremely hard to converse with. She jumps from topic to topic, speaks before thinking, asks well-meaning but intrusive questions, and I feel like I can't confide in her for all those reasons despite her being so nice and positive almost always. Every time I text her to say hi or send a cute photo of the pets she responds (days later, mind you) with a million questions about my life/work/hobbies that I end up not replying most of the time.
• Diet culture is just so ingrained in her psyche. She's never been fat in her life and I'm not a thin person, and she uses body image and diet as a way to relate to me in a way that feels extremely icky despite her language being broadly positive. She uses "you look like you've lost weight" as a compliment and is on some kind of new dietary kick every other week. I'll never forget her telling me "it doesn't look like you gained any weight" when picking us up from the airport after our honeymoon in Italy. Or when she ordered a massive plate of spaghetti at lunch, ate five bites, then declared "we'll just make a big salad for dinner." She was staying at our house so I'm not sure where said big salad was supposed to come from.
• My main hobby is horseback riding, which is one of those things that gets a lot of questions/interest from non-horsey people. I'll talk about my horse all day every day, but MIL is just OBSESSED with the concept. If I had a dollar for every time she told me "I want to come watch you ride" I would be able to buy myself a very nice meal. It's not like it's a closed practice at all, it's just the constant demand to be involved that rubs me the wrong way. And the fact that she's actually terrified of horses. Husband did tell her to stop asking after the most recent visit but I got the sense it hurt her feelings a bit.
• MIL and FIL came to visit for the day last weekend (we live in cities about 2 hours apart) and they rolled up in a massive tizzy because their tire pressure light was on. They wanted to be towed to a shop but I ended up checking their tire pressure (god knows they didn't know how to) and all four wheels were good to go, they just hadn't cleared the indicator after getting their car serviced. I made the mistake of wearing a sleeveless shirt that day and as I was walking around their car MIL followed me going "ooooh let me see your tattoos!!!" and I wanted to disappear.

All of these things are obviously nowhere near the nightmare JUSTNO stories I've read on this sub, but my MIL just exhausts me. She makes me feel like I'm some kind of novelty. And I feel like a garbage human because she's just SO NICE and I can't give her what she wants. I wish I could. She means well and is a good person, but I'm not her daughter or her bestie. I'm her son's wife and I love her, but I just don't like her that much.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading and I hope some of y'all can relate or at least find amusement in the champagne problems of having a MIL. <3

Hey. I have had an S10 since its release in 2019, and it has served me well and still runs great. However, since the S10 doesn't support 5G, I need a new phone.After some consideration, I've decided on a Flip 4, which I can get on classifieds for €250.Now I have three questions:Do you know how long the Flip 4 will continue to receive software updates?Does the Flip 4 generally support 5G, or are there models that do not?Is there anything I should know about the Flip 4? Are there any disadvantages of foldable smartphones that only become apparent later?

Hey guys!
I would appreciate your help or advice on this matter. For this situation, let us consider my name is Sunny.
I live in the US and have been here for two years. A few days back, my father got a WhatsApp call from Pakistan number (+92), and the person asked him questions in a furious and rough tone. He was asking him things such as 'Sunny aapke kya lagte hai' - which translates to 'How are you related to Sunny.' My father sensed a fake call, cut it, and called me immediately. Later, we checked on Truecaller, and the callers Whatsapp DP was a man wearing a cop uniform. I told my dad not to worry as it was a fraud call, and the matter was closed then.
But yesterday, my grandmother got a WhatsApp call from someone impersonating me! It was shocking. The person who was impersonating me was saying things like 'I am coming to India Bua Ji', I am sick'. My grandmother knew it was fishy, so she asked the person to switch on his video as she did not believe it. He made an excuse; she cut the call and called me up.
This incident has worried my family and me. What can I do from here, and what can I ask my parents to do? Can I use any portal to report this incident and their numbers? I'm worried about how these people get the numbers.
Do help me out!

Conversation after for years and years I have attempted to create (at minimum) a working relationship with my mother. I have felt that she has only cared about seeing and interacting with her grandchild since they were born. It's now been 5 years. Because of odd working hours for my spouse and I, I have not had many options when it came to childcare. She has always been happy to spend time with her grandchild to the point of ignoring me and overstepping her boundaries as if she was the parent while we are all together. She would ignore talking to me and leave the room with my child to play a game with them while under the rouse of coming to visit all of our family. I have set simple boundaries in place that are always met with hostility. For example, I have asked for her to stop taking excessive photos of the grandchild because it becomes the theme of the event and reduces enjoyment for all. She makes it stressful for the child being always on camera and it is to the point where it intrudes on activities where she is getting in people's ways to take photos. She becomes upset saying "I can't just take a photo?" With an elevated voice. I have asked for her to defer to me on decision making involving my child if he asks her if he can have a food, activity, etc... which has always been met with hostility when she decides to not ask and I have to step in after the fact to change the decision causing undue stress on everyone.
I told her previously that if our communication and relationship cannot improve to remove the hostility and build our relationship then I would no longer be comfortable having her watch my child. She did not take this warning seriously approximately 3 months ago and I have now cut her off from watching my child. Her reaction was not concerned about not talking or seeing me.. she was only concerned with if she was going to see her grandchild. And was only concerned if I thought it was good for my child to not be watched by her any longer. She did not ask questions about how this effects are relationship and was only asking about her not being able to see her grandchild. I never told her she couldn't see him but that I would not be having her watch him while I was not present any longer. She told me I should have started the conversation with this because I attempted to talk through our relationship issues once more prior to this, which was not successful in any way in my opinion. She would have rather not spent time talking through that with me.
She told me she could not breathe and had no voice and would have to get off the phone.
My opinion is that grandparents do not get relationships with their grandchild if they do not display healthy relationships with their children. My relationship with my mother has never been healthy and she has never been a safe person during my childhood due to her explosive emotions and irrational reactions.
Does anyone else experience something similar?

Will post pics in comments as pic/link posts tend to get hidden.
Started on 6th March so have just hit my two month marker: started at 183lb/83kg - and am now at 154lb/70kg.
29lb/13kg/2 stone 1lb down in two months is absolutely WILD to me (though it must be said that the loss was disproportionately more in the first month - 24lb vs 5lb). It would have taken me about 8 months to lose that without MJ, and that's if I could have sustained it that long.
I've lost about 23 inches from my measurements, which is a dress size and a half - from being a 14-16 (more a 16, truth be told) to a 12 (a size I haven't seen in years), including 4" off my waist, and 3.5" off of both my abdomen and hips. Even my stubborn thighs have lost 2" each! Here's hoping that's also a good amount of fat loss coming from visceral fat!
Starting out, I was the heaviest I'd been outside of being actually pregnant, and the weight has just been creeping up and up despite being very active and having a decent (not perfect, but not horrible) overall diet. Thanks, perimenopause, I guess?! Perimenopause may also be the reason that despite the fact I eat mostly home cooked, minimally processed, nutrient dense foods, my cholesterol has just been getting higher and higher over the last few years.
I was just so sick and tired of doing all the "right things" but still didn't look (in my mind at least) like the healthy and fit person I was trying my best to be. The constant thoughts of food were just my baseline normal - it's only now that it's been silenced that I realise how destructive it can be.
Anyway, I'm absolutely thrilled with the results so far - the big benefits I've felt are; being able to feel full and just stop eating/not force it, not thinking about food and eating/being hyper aware of what food is where all the time, having actually genuine hunger rather than cravings, eating more slowly and intuitively taking smaller portions without even realising, ordering foods that I actually think sound nice rather than the ones that are the most hyperpalatable/triggering just because I have a sort of junk food FOMO as if it might not exist again....
Very minimal side effects, for which I'm very grateful - a bit of an icky tummy here and there, a few instances of sulphur burps but that's about it.
Have just taken my first 7.5mg dose after two pens of 5mg following the initial 2.5.
This last month has felt a bit slow going to be honest, but I'm finding ways to be grateful for this slower period - my body can get used to the new weight, and I can solidify my habits. I've carried on losing a bit on measurements each week too, so that helps - definitely recommend keeping track of whatever you can to see all the different ways you're progressing.
I also recommend trying to find the HIGHEST number of calories you can eat whilst still losing weight, rather than rushing to the smallest number. It does get hard to get food in sometimes but you don't want to back yourself into a corner where you have nowhere to go when you stall!
Lastly, do lean on this community for support as/when you need it - there's a really good bunch of encouraging people here!

A while ago I inherited a legacy ASP.NET 4.8 app. It has a number of Web Service methods that return XML content, some of them async, some of them are not. However, I'm experiencing lots of issues whenever I try to execute anything asynchronously.
First time, it was trying to execute an EntityFramework queries in the asynchronous web method. Was getting very confusing "Thread was being aborted" exceptions when calling `FirstOrDefaultAsync`. Overall, it looked like the errors were caused by deadlocks. I dug into that, made sure I was awaiting all async calls from top to bottom, tried switching all methods in the stack to sync, tried switching to `GetAwaiter().GetResult()`, using all sorts of sync wrappers, etc.
None of the obvious suggestions worked, so eventually, worked around this by adding all nugets needed to be able to create regular, modern REST controllers with `BaseController`. Later called that new controller from my web method and it no longer had issues executing anything asynchronously. As if being "outside the context" of a ASP.NET [WebMethod] immediately resolved the problem.
Later however, this time in the context of a regular controller and not a [WebMethod], I again started encountering various issues; e.g. I have an `HttpClient` which I use to call a 3rd party API and I get "Request was aborted" exceptions and timeouts. The same request works when I call it outside the code using `curl`/Postman.
I feel like there must be something wrong with this older framework that has to do with threading and asynchronous execution, but I am out of ideas on how to debug this.
What can I check? What can help me understand why things are getting aborted and canceled? The exceptions I get are very generic: Thread was being aborted, Request was aborted, Task was canceled, timeouts...Inner exceptions and the stack traces don't reveal more details.
Apologies this post doesn't have any code snippets, but it's still on my mind after work, and I don't have access to my work laptop right now, so I have to rely on my memory. Thanks for all suggestions.

In my class, my friend (we’ve been best friends for 7 years) was talking about how her sister is 17 years older and someone asked how she was so much older and I said that she was her half sister and was born when her dad was with his first wife (Ik that was a big mouth moment). She then said ”that’s so irrelevant she’s the same as a full sister and that could be so offensive to sally because she has 2 half siblings” (sally is our other best friend) Sally wasn’t offended and said I don’t care. and I just said something like your right my bad and I didn’t talk much for a minute. When I do my class work my mind wanders so I just started thinking about that conversation and I was like wait there is a correlation between her being a step sibling and being older. So I said to her ”wait isn’t there a correlation between ur sister being a lot older and being a half sibling?” And she just said “girl stop that was like 10 minutes” ago so I said sorry. We didn’t talk much for the rest of the class but I didn’t think she was mad at me. I then get on the bus with sally and we sit together. Sally and I were laughing and at the time neither of us thought my friend was mad at me. Our other friend suggested we prank my best friend by texting her on Sally’s phone and texted her that I’m so annoying. Keep in mind we all thought this was a harmless prank and we were certain she wouldn’t talk crap. After a few minutes my bestie texts sally back “now or earlier” and we replied with earlier. She then goes on to write a huge paragraph ranting about me and talking shit. And we were so shocked she said something bad but it was too late to say it was a prank so sally had to pretend like I upset her earlier. Now me and sally have a secret to keep and i feel so betrayed by my best friend because I wouldn’t have done that to her.

1, (15 F) was invited to be a part of my friend (15 F, we will kill her K)'s quince court, and happily accepted. if you dk, quinceañera is a huge birthday party that many Hispanic girls have when they turn 15, celebrating their coming of age. The quince court is made up of the birthday girl’s closest friends, who learn multiple dance routines to perform at the party. Naturally, dance routines and choreography require lots of practice. Our court includes me, K, and 14 of our closest friends. I knew there would be drama when I signed up for the court because multiple people involved don’t get along, and K is often involved in drama outside of this group. However, I agreed because we’ve been friends since elementary school. So far, we’ve only had two practices. It’s summer, and the party is still months away. Most people have attended at least one of the practices, if not both, but a few have missed due to prior commitments or family emergencies. K is struggling to find dates that work for everyone. Several of us have told her it will be hard to find dates that fit everyone’s schedule and that we can try practicing without our partners since we all dance with partners. Multiple members have offered advice, such as practicing at home with a video or practicing without our partners. We’ve also suggested practicing earlier in the morning, later in the afternoon, or on weekdays instead of weekends. We understand that people have jobs, but most teenagers don’t work all day. K has rejected these ideas, making it extremely difficult for everyone. There’s a couple in our group chat, R and J, who escalate problems by name-calling, picking fights, and making a big deal out of simple conversations. It feels like they enjoy causing problems and making the drama worse. Usually, we suggest a date, a few people can’t make it, and then K makes snide comments about how we need to “tell our mommies and daddies” to clear our schedules. K doesn’t have strict parents, unlike several others in the group, and often makes disparaging remarks about us not being available every day. K insists we should prioritize practice over family obligations, which many of us simply can’t do. We are teenagers, not adults, and can’t make decisions without our parents’ permission. We are trying our best, but it seems to go unnoticed. Once, K even said she doesn’t care if our grandfather is dying; she expects us to show up to her practice and forget our priorities because it’s her day and it needs to be perfect. R and J will then name-call those who are unavailable, complain about others’ suggestions for different practice times, and play the victim when told to stop. Ironically, R doesn’t even like K and once spent an hour at a sleepover badmouthing her. J doesn’t like anyone in our friend group, yet he still hangs out with us and causes drama, leading to problems with his girlfriend, R, who we’ve been friends with for years. This behavior overwhelms K, who then stops communicating for several days and expects us to show up without giving us details. Other people cause problems on the group chat as well, but it’s mostly these three. Many of us have complained outside the group chat about the constant drama, fights, and rude attitudes. Some have even compared K to a bridezilla. I understand K’s frustration and know how important this is to her, but her rudeness, including giving friends the silent treatment for weeks, is problematic. She has always been a problematic person, but it’s never been this bad. She complains about the lack of communication in the group chat, yet she rarely texts there herself. This hypocritical behavior led one of my best friends, O, to drop out of the court because the stress and fighting have strained her friendship with R. R and J have a toxic relationship, and the longer they date, the ruder and more problematic R becomes. This has caused drama within the friend group, except for a small group of four of us. The quinceañera planning is adding to the drama, pushing O and R apart, and causing friction among several others. At this point, there’s more drama than necessary. K is not communicating properly and is blaming us, and nothing is getting done. It feels too stressful and like a waste of time. I want to drop out, but I don’t want K to be mad at me since I made a commitment. I love my friends, but I don’t know if I can keep this up.So, AITA for wanting to drop out?

So , I usually gets match when I swipe for some time we have a good conversation but after 1-2 days its dead and I don’t know how to start the conversation again as I have even tried but no one seems to be interested and they won’t even unmatch , any tips? Shall I ask the girl for a date after 1-2 days of conversation I even get the social handle but that also doesn’t seems to be very efficient.

First of all, I'm using a translator so I apologize if this is slightly misspelled.
I've been dating for 2 years and in that time, I can say that I've had moments of happiness, where I've really felt comfortable in my relationship.
Besides, I'm constantly living with and dealing with jealousy.
My girlfriend is an incredible woman and I love her very much, and she doesn't give me any reason to feel jealous.
She doesn't hide anything from me, I have her cell phone, etc...
But I can't do it. Whenever she tells me that she talked to a guy at work or via text message, I feel extremely bad and start fantasizing about negative things.
I started therapy but lately our relationship has cooled down and it's been hurting me a lot. I'm a little unsure of what to do.
At the same time, I know that I'm the one to blame.
I didn't want to lose this battle against my mental problems and end this relationship.
But it's been very difficult and I'm getting exhausted from torturing myself mentally.
She recently lost her house due to the floods that happened here in Brazil. She managed to return but is still very shaken by not having any furniture.
I didn't want to be another burden.
At the same time, I realize that she is emotionally vulnerable, but I am so out of touch with reality due to my thoughts that sometimes I make things worse.
Please take it easy, I'm writing this post to get tips and I confess that I'm afraid that this will make my situation worse
Thanks

TLDR; Buffs having a limited amount of time active makes them inconvenient to use, keep active, and forces certain skills into a time window they can be activated in. Also having only 1 stack of each buff limits your options.

These buffs are the cornerstone to any build in PD3 as the skills that use them define how you play the game. This isn't inherently bad design, but there are a number of problems I have with how it's implemented.
The way you gain the buffs, for the most part, make sense. Mower gains edge when you shoot 35 bullets, so you use it for builds with ARs and SMGs. Sharpshooter gains edge when you stand still and scope for 1.5 seconds, so you use it with Snipers. Tactician gains edge with staggers so you use flashbangs, Gunslinger works with hipfiring, so on and so on.
One of the problems with this is that gaining a buff while it's already active does not refresh it. If you shoot your 35th bullet just before edge runs out, you have to shoot another 35. If you switch to your primary just before edge runs out, you have to quickly switch twice if you want edge with your primary.
This also means that having more than one skill that only gains edge (as in doesn't also refresh) is a waste. If you're using Gunslinger as your primary edge gaining skill but want skills in the Mower or Sharpshooter line, that first skill goes unused. You don't need to use their methods for edge, even if you did, it wouldn't do anything when you already have edge.
Another problem with this system is that a lot of skills are only in effect when these buffs are. If you don't have the buff active, you may as well not have the skill. To keep your build as effective as possible for the most time, you need to be regaining your buffs every 20 seconds, more often if you're refreshing. Escapist Aced combined with Move & Cover gives you a method to gain every buff that's always available when a ledge is nearby. You sprint for 3 seconds, slide, vault, and now you have grit for a mere 20 seconds. If you want to keep grit active, you have to repeat the process every 20 seconds. That's not even mentioning that you can't slide or vault with edge or rush active if you don't want to consume them.
Perhaps refreshing would be more effective, except most skills that refresh either don't or shouldn't be happening every 20 seconds, such as Code Blue, Infiltrator, and Tank Aced. Going out of your way to use these skills to refresh buffs is, at best, inconvenient. Mower Aced would be good on its own, if tactical reloading wasn't a thing. Reloading without an empty magazine is faster than with one, if you can, then you should. This skill is also harder to use with Ammo Funnel and Replenish, 2 skills that go very well together in the same skill line. If you start reloading with an empty mag, but pick up ammo before finishing, then you don't refresh edge.
Combat Reload is easily the best skill for refreshing edge and grit, you just have to reload every 20 seconds; or you would if they refreshed when you start reloading and not after. This means you could be reloading every 15 seconds, and if you're late by just a second, then you lose your buffs and have to regain them again. So now, your eyes are constantly darting to your buffs to make sure you don't miss that window. And god forbid you have to do an objective that takes longer than 20 seconds to do. Trying to unlock a safe and keep your buffs active feels damn near impossible, you have to do the objective and then regain them, effectively punishing you for not constantly micromanaging your buffs.
The last problem I have with this system is the skills that consume buffs to activate have a slim time window that they can be activated. Last Man Standing and Blast Shield consume grit to protect you, but if it runs out before you take a hit, then it doesn't activate. You need to have gained the buff 20 seconds before, or to have been refreshing constantly. Most of the skills in the Escapist line consume buffs. If you consume rush or run out, you can't activate Balanced. If grit runs out, you can't use Slide Tackle. Pin Puller consumes grit, which isn't as bad if you also have CQC Specialist Aced. If you can't refresh grit, you only have 20 seconds to use Pin Puller. If you don't have CQC Specialist Aced, you need to gain it before you take a human shield, resulting in even less time to use Pin Puller. Triage gives you extra health per buff active, giving you up to 45% extra health on a first aid kit. If you manage to get all 3 buffs, but don't need a first aid kit, it's almost a waste. If you need a first aid kit, you have to get your buffs to take advantage of the skill. Even after you use the first aid kit, now you don't have your buffs. If you don't want to lose your buffs, you can't heal during a gunfight without making yourself weaker.

Here's what I think could be changed with the buffs system.

Remove the time limit for buffs. With skills that consume buffs and the realistically unimpactful effects of a 10% increase to attack, defense, and speed, I think removing the time limit would ultimately help the system, removing the need to regain or micromanage your buffs. It's still possible to lose them to going down or even the crippling tactics modifier.
Have buffs stack up to 3 times. With several ways to gain and consume buffs, I think being able to stack them using different skills would be greatly beneficial to the overall gameplay experience. You can take several skill lines that give the same buff without wasting a skill, you could use skills like Finisher multiple times in a row without having to regain edge in between, you could use skills like Triage without disabling skills that need edge and grit active to make you stronger, you could use skills like Pin Puller and Transporter already having the buffs without just consuming them immediately, the list goes on. Being able to stack buffs may be unbalanced if it could result in a 30% increase, potentially 60% with Pain Asymbolia, but I think it would be worth it to work this out.

I know a lot people like to say Angelina and Jenni are ugly now because they plastic surgery they had and saying they were more pretty in the OG. Jenni was with Roger, and she started changing her appearance more near the end of their relationship, what if he said she wasn't beautiful and made her so insecure that she felt the need to change her face in tne first place? And maybe Angelina had negative things aid about her to do the same. And getting negative comments obviously makes it worse and so it causes them to change their appearance more and more. Yes they were beautiful naturally, but I still think they're still beautiful with or without surgery. I don't judge them over their appearance. Feel free to downvote me and disagree with me, but I feel like we as fans shouldn't judge the girls over how they look. It's their life, their bodies and their faces. That's probably why Angelina hates reddit because negative comments picking her apart about her looks same with Jenni, she probably doesn't like people tearing her apart about her looks. Just my opinions. Agree to Disagree?

the stagnance in my life is killing me, every day i wake up then i start to break up, the same schedule its like i am stuck in a loop yet there is a difference, enough to notice not enough to make a change
i went to an event full of these npc dudes its like i know everybody but none aswell i truly have no friends, just acquaintances and it hurt, to the point i dont even realize the meaning of good healthy relations
i see these people hang out with each other on social media smiling laughing and full of joy i dont feel jealous, no trace of envy feels like all of them are great pretenders
"how can one crave what one does not know"~ master matksur
yet in this side of darkness i have dwelled for so long i am questioning the existence of light
had a small relationship, lasted some time but i dont know how much, did not feel connected its just she came in and went her breaking up, i did not even care the slightest
yet there were people who i considered acquaintance premium, got back stabbed and it did not sting, just another day with more phone calls,
i had weird interests, really short for my age (currently 5'3 at 16m) it used to hurt me now does not, used to get bullied but fuck that, bullying me was cool so everyone did it, one who bullies me the most will get into the cool people group, they were so fucking dumb. anyways i am from a small town upper middle class family all my needs and some of my wants are taken care of,
i have a few ambitions but none of them are mine, basically shoved down my throat yet i swallowed them like a slut, they are a part of my personality assimilated but not truly one with my soul never will be
not a very bad thing right? it leaves with little drive for them,
it is just so stagnant, its the surface of an uninhabited lake at midnight nothing is happenening, i would rather be a beggar than this at least there would be sympathy
i am craving outside validation, at least thats known
i want an agonizing death but not a slow one, so slow i die every day yet i dont notice i perish and no one cares

I had worked as a GSA (Cashier manager) at a Target store and had an incident that lasted for nearly two days with a couple of Boomers.
One of my cashiers was cashing out an older Boomer couple for some items but as soon as they were done they paid with a Visa gift card. Well they forgot that they had a birthday card. The cashier voided the transaction but it was too late. It was in a weird moment where the funds were being taken off the card and if it is voided it issues a refund. Well these are not instant refunds sometimes. So this couple came over and had me talking to them for a hour as I explained the situation to them and told the cashier what to do the next time this happens to not void any transactions with these cards.
I told the couple that unfortunately since it wasn't a Target gift card it would have to go through the bank that the gift card goes through. Well they didn't believe me even though I had to go and get the day's transactions and print it out to show them it was voided. They kept saying they wanted proof and wanted the money back instantly. I kept telling them that this was the transaction and the card number matched. I apologized for the mistake even though I didn't create the problem. I brought up multiple managers who all told them the same thing.
Well they got tired and it was 4 PM so they had to get ready for bed, but the next day I was working again. They came back in telling me I was committing fraud and I stole their money personally. I called the bank who took care of the Visa gift cards and had them talk to the actual bank and had them explain what was going on. They didn't believe him saying that he was a scammer also.
Now I know it was a mistake and I owned up to it even though it wasn't my fault and I was nowhere near the incident but I was masterminding this whole con man gimmick in their eyes. Well they started screaming about how Target is taking advantage of them and we stole their money.
Security eventually got them to leave but they came back but this time with a cop. I had to explain everything to this officer and what was going on and the mistake that was made. This couple kept calling for my arrest and that I was a thief. After the officer looked over everything he tried to explain to these old geriatrics that we did not steal anything and it was an accident. They left in a huff screaming about how they were being treated unfairly.
It was like talking to a brick wall. Here is my favorite part. They bought $300 worth of items and the gift card was only worth $20.

(High Cranial Volume Pr and AE Hybrid Users ONLY)
I still can't get AE to perform well on my M2 Macbook Pro running Sonoma 14.0 and AE 24.3. 32 GBs RAM — so obviously that's going to be immediate the culprit, but I do suspect that I could do pretty much anything I wanted on this computer if I could just optimize it correctly. That's what this thread is about. I know there are a million threads like this one but hopefully we can dig up some new dirt. I haven't really written about Sonoma but what I've read seems to indicate a lot of people have had issues. I'm not an OS guy I get enough of a headache with the shit I care about. Not sure if downgrading is possible. Maybe I upgrade my RAM (whoops hee hee nvm forgot i was on an apple computer).
You can stop reading there, because the rest of this is schizo nonsense. I've sobered up and I can't say that any mother would accept a child this ugly. But I'm also getting giddy at the thought of crossposting to editors and seeing what the Avid Professionals Working On Big Serious Productions With Budgets That Totally Won't Disappear in the Next 20 Years have to tell me about making some dough in exchange for the sweet intoxication of art. I also did a better job of listing my issues in my follow up comment
**Intro Apology**
**I've bolded out the sections with the mostly important shit:** I would take extra care to avoid anything that's been italicized because it is some of the most craven text ever set to paper. As if! I can't even use metaphors anymore. Will the graphic designers starve without their paper (why is it always either minimalism or hyper realism? I like texture too but not everything has to be made out of everything, or not made out of anything at all! Nature Without Ecology.)
This is just me typing and never stopping. For some reason. Well, it's no mystery. I'm avoiding anything that even resembles productivity.
I've already wasted time just stream of concussing every intrusive thought, so why would I waste more time reformatting and trimming the fat? Bahahaha I hope you like lamb. If I put forward attention to giving you direct information that effectively communicates an idea, I might just achieve nirvana. Like if I hyperfixate when I'm shitposting, then I am just going to realize the World-Spirit in-itself trying to abide by the laws of rhetorics. Let me tell you, the laws of rhetoric certainly don't make you any less schizo. How do you think we got here?
But that's the future the fucking tech bros made. And it's fucking awesome. Can't wait to be animating using my Rule 34 Paper Texture Parallax Datamosh VFX by AEAnabolics via telekinesis (is there a plugin for that?!??!)
So no I'm not going to make this thread easily accessible or interpretable because I really want anyone possessing any degree of intelligence to stay the fuck away (there are even intelligent people amidst the industry leaders, I once even met a film producer who knew how to count through 12! In any case, if everyone under 30 could exit the room, us pedants, drop outs and philistines will congregate somewhere other than all and we'll be happy to update you later with a summary of our findings.
I do apologize for the wordvomit — I took my meds abt 30 mins before I had the brilliant idea to open up a silly little text box on reddit during my awesome Pomodoro break. I had to be off the ADHD goodies for a week for some sports stuff I was trying to do which needed my heart at optimal function. Why did my doc just let me hop back on the same dose? I am emaciated from all this heavy lifting with my fingers.
Please though, don't dismiss this as pathological ravings. I am not sick, just an Adobe Creative Suite subscriber (somehow, five years later, I'm still on the student discount paying 30 bucks!!! Haha!!! Sticking it to the man!!!! Suckers!!!! Almost as bad as pouring thousands into software you don't own and can be shut out of for trumped up fraud charges if one of the cretins working at Adobe manages to actually check the accounts submitting all those pesky support tickets. Wait....)
So ya it's pretty simple: I was sunning my balls and cheating on five different women *holistically though* before taking my L-Carnitine to maximize the effects of my meth (don't worry I don't smoke it!), when I decided, yes, this Friday, with deadlines looming in the evening, I will nuke my morning by typing. and just not stopping. It's like stim sex, but literally no one is cumming. Wait, literally it's like stim sex.
Okay stop. I want you all to save the horniness for pitching to the Rule 34 Clients — the last to adopt AI in favor of authentic art and animation (bahahahhahaha I seriously do think *This whole AI thing, or at least its acceleration, can be put squarely at the feet of Gooners. They're horny and no human can create what will quench their thirst! Such a tragic condition. Like craving art that can speak to your soul. Ugh. Can't wait for Mister Horse to drop the Anime Waifu presets*.)
*(speaking of Misters, watch Mr. Rush Rush Client — who just needed this edit NOW — not even watch the video until Sunday. That rat fuck: maybe I don't have a social life huh? Maybe I don't want another shitty "underground" (as if such a thing exists anymore) rave on a Friday and a Hinge date on a Saturday?
Maybe genuine connection is dead and all some of us can love is the labor we put into our products. Or the efforts we put into our shitposts. Certainly the products themselves are far beyond loving.
Mr. Rush Rush: your 9-5 is shit and you are shit for thinking you are not a piece of shit because you force everyone to meet your fake timelines. We no longer cultivate produce, nor ideas, we just materialize urgency so the boss can larp as the boss and we can pretend society needs us to keep rhythm. It is the Master who needs the Master's Injunction. I like want to change the world man not reproduce it. I am barren.
Just let me work on Saturday. Asshole. It would have saved all of us from this post which was, of course, provoked by pure, unmediated anxiety — and absolute boredom.
*Fuck paper textures! Fuck any lower thirds that use paper textures. Shit is garbage. The elementary school audience went off to war — it's the latest Roblox minigame. So we're not even impressing anyone any more)*
Instantly — upon the epiphany that I don't owe people shit, even if they throw money at me, my brain ditched all ideals of productivity and decided it was time to write a fucking treatise on my experiences trying to optimize AE. Please do not mock me. I am an idiot. It's not worth countering snark with snark —because I can't even read. I am literally dictating this post to my iPhone and then having chatgpt re-write it. Also, I really hope some GPT or AI research tool digs up this thread. I'm sure they will wire only the relevant information to Mr. Prompter! He deserves the best. In fact he's the only one who deserves anything.
*If I was a GPT prompt I would be posing as a weird hermit who thinks he is the postmodern reincarnation of Plato. WELCOME to the republic ... of stupid — ruled under the auspices of the Kingdoms of Adobia, Resolve-ru, and Avidia (btw can we do what we did to Twitter to Avid? I just don't think it's a cool name. I'm not Avid anytime I have to use Avid. It doesn't have neurolink compatability and I can't do a million things very shitily. It just does like one thing very well. Who would ever ask for that?!?!?1*
For some reason I decided to pump up the snark to the max on this post — I hope that's okay. Maybe I want to write novels, not make videos. In any case, I promise you I'm not AI writing this. Unless ....
But at the end of the day I'm just trying to entertain myself instead of getting real work done — which I can't imagine is something a community of useless creatives would have trouble understanding. You couldn't do math good, and that's because you're lazy!!!
(Dan Ebberts if you're here I am sorry Father: but you are not a useless sack of shit motion designer, you're not making lower thirds for the Nelk Bros? You are the fucking Grand Wizard Abstract Quantum Mathematician my guy, the highest expression of the Enlightenment rationale, not a useless 2.5d animator — though I do secretly harbor a belief that all numbers are racist and you, as the Prophet of Numbers where they don't belong (computers) have a lot of reckoning to do. Guilt erotics won't get you out of this one — we don't want sorry we want solidarity!
**I'm half shitposting and half offering my own insight in exchange for yours.** I hope you don't read malice in my words. In any case I don't think myself a victim and I will be fine. Our world is about to turn nonsensical. The division of labor will collapse. Those who are both just intelligent enough to do dumb shit and lacking in morals will take everyone else's jobs. Technocracy of the morons! Somebody invite France too.
What's your intricate knowledge of a cavernous software versus my ability to write out prompts at 130 WPM? Basically, where you used to be able to get ahead with creative ingenuity you can now get ahead by typing fast. Good riddance lol. But if only we could get this piece of shit software to do everything I want it to do with not even a smidge of an attempt to optimize, pre-render, under smart principles?
But I'm hoping maybe we can have some conversations about the best practices to get this piece of shit software to work consistently. AE is so cool 90% of the time but it's like a girlfriend that's loyal to you 90% of the time. Now I'm not suggesting Adobe is cuckolding the VFX wannabes among us.^1 But I do want to say that there's a problem when your most random software that kind of just somehow works if you need how to cast a few voodoo spells and play around with different effects is literally un-professionizable. You can do amazing things in After Effects on just 16 GB of RAM (even 8 if you're willing to walk away from your computer for a fortnight for a few renders), which was so cool when I was getting started on the shitcans they hand out in college (I sound spoiled but you didn't spend the first year of your professional career on an outdated Mac Air desperately refreshing Google News for a stimulus check as literally everyone is jobless whilst you never even got a job to be jobless from. Like come on guys, if you got started in the 90s at least you have analog nostalgia and to anyone born after 95 you look like a wizard talking about chemicals and film crystals and shit. A Covid alumnus like me who graduated in 2019 doesn't get shit, and 2020 graduates didn't even get to bask in the delusion that they were ever the center of the world. I just pray UBI is installed before the robots take our land and our animals, because truly the new generation of digital creatives is going to feature some of the dumbest people to ever rank through society. Which is true in any era, but what's unique about ours is that young people are no longer angry, just cynical like they were in the 70s. Another round of hypernormalization.
**My Problem(s)
I need the experts here to just assume that I don't want to do things the right way. Every single person who has ever posted a query to Reddit, complex or one Google Search away, every single on of us cursed posters imagines that someone will waltz into their thread and provide an unheard of fix. Jesus take the wheel! I will provide more information on my specific issues, maybe even some idiosyncratic fixes I have found (Thank you Klutz GPT! But fuck you also.) but only if you show you're not going to snarkpost. Until then I will leave you to wade through the coagulated shit stew that is this post.
This is basically the situation with the people becoming editors and motion designers. Thanks Youtube. Thanks Twitch. You ruined Cinema more than capeshit did. Special shout out to the editors in the Philippines running their Macs through literal fruits Just as Mr. Jobs intended. (Don't worry, I'm from a country that is actually dogshit, the Philipines is beautiful and extraordinarily culturally rich)
The Jungle people here to take our jobs! Why aren't we worried about them like we are AI? They can do literally any job. And they can do it poorly. Literally exactly like AI, but no one getting their underwear in a twist when they're browsing the World section on Upwrok.
Don't get me started on what the Ruskiys are doing. You've seen Russian social media, but do you understand what Russian creatives are doing? Absolutely nothing, because Russian creatives don't exist. At best they can reform and reclaim their Orthodoxy in Siberia before coming back to St. Petersburg and writing some of the greatest novels known to man (which some of the absolute most dogshit interpretations and translations ever produced of any Western texts that are even close to the Canon)
Anyway, people like me are going to be around more and more. It's me you're going to be responding "CC Marvel Effect huahua" while the Gen Alpha nicotine tweaker blows clouds into your PC's air vents. Cloud bitch! You're fucked, because the anxiety from vaping makes him lazy as fuck. We are going to starve all because these fuckers got into too much of a dopamine deficit huffing shit with 5x the nicotine of cigs. If you think we're gonna take your jobs now, just wait until I grow my third arm. I will take your job. And when I grow my third cock, I will take your wife.
**I am a "creative director", that's how I market myself at least. I work in a lot of industries, make a shit ton of ads, but I think of myself primarily as a (documentary) filmmaker and editor (at this point it may be a formality and nostalgia because people just want reels and I like money).
I began packaging documentary projects with commercial packages, so the idea has been to first tell someone I'll make a doc for them, but along the way I can use the extra edits and unused interviews or just any of the millions of unused bits of a documentary/reality project and recycle it into ads.** You wouldn't believe how well this works on someone with a little bit of ego and a little bit of money. Netflix really convinced the chuds that their life is like a documentary lol. It's okay, not everyone can monetize their passion, or have it ripped out of their hands to transform itself from quasi art (or something challenging art) to a glorified mouthpiece for mediocre wannabes and has-beens. Bring back the Birth of the Nation or that movie about the Nazi architecture, Will, Will, what was it called? Anyway, I really thought I was going to make shit about dictators or like some genuinely awful people. Instead I got all of the delusion and none of the murder, just a bunch of whining about Instagram follower counts and the "blacklist" (I really wish they'd post a sign up, because I don't want to be seen. For real.)**
** I won't claim expertise as a motion designer. And for the sake of all that is holy you can and should call me a highfalutin dilettante with talent to produce nothing except derivative drivel (I mean, I I told you I worked in documentary right?). **
**But please, please, just assume that I may just not *want* to do things the right way.** ^@
**I know I should label and rename my files. But we're way beyond that, I have become one with Solid 1, to Solid 1 + N. I am going to get last in my comps and no I'm not going to Shy anything because I am an ALPHA! (Seriously though if you are a talentless unorganized adhd piece of shit editor and wannabe filmmaker like me, there's a plugin called Declutter which will automatically sort your project: it offers decent customization that could be helpful if you are just torpedoing a bunch of Linked Comps into AE like we're in the Pacific Theater. But with this magic hack, all those dismembered and charred bits of corpse gets insta sorted into the proper bin! And now your project panel doesn't look like shit and you can screen record while you troubleshoot some issues with an Adobe representative without feeling embarrassed. (maybe if he see it, we can get some sorting function that automatically puts comps in a specific folder (or files of any type into a pre-ordained folder, either in Pr or Ae would be cool. It's not like there are a million plugins that do the exact same shit. I'd rather anime ai waifu available at the click of a button though. What will the Gooners' do if we ever dare stop production?!?1
**Every problem I have had could be improved or entirely eliminated with a proper workflow solution. I am like really painfully aware of that. **
**I have shat blood figuring out how to make Pr Pro work consistently. That's my main app yo. I've genuinly poured hours into unlearning and relearning how to do things. I hope I can like put together an advanced guide some day. But like what's the point if the client who thinks he wants an editor actually wants to see his name and his logo animated in 10 different ways? And you know, I used to be content to produce that auto shit. But the more I animate, the more keyframes I ease (if you tell me you can ease in Pr I am going to smack the shit out of you unless it's to reccomend this
Frankly, AE is such a shitshow. It's old as fuck in a way that none of the other major apps are. Like Photoshop feels stuck in the 90s in the same way but at least its code isn't fucked beyond belief and it's relatively easy to diagnose problems (maybe you need to put more thought into performance for something that generates 24 images a second, but who knows? Not Adobe. Btw, wtf is up with caches in PS? Why are they so fucking greedy for all my data. Fuck you I want space and to have you open in the background. Seriously PS is old and I feel like no one points it out because you can just use Illustrator but fuck that I can't draw mfer)**
**I am going to be spending the next three weeks making animations for about 50 reels, to pair with some other branding deliverables for Youtube and the client's website. It's a huge project and one that I scored by advertising a diverse skill set (I apologize to the specialists but we're all going to have to adjust to foreigners in our lands — if you're American this should sound like a founding ideal more than a problem).
Or so I get the job done: don't get me wrong I cringe when people come in here and ask about making AE faster and it's clear they know nothing and didn't even bother to Google. I have Googled and spent a lot of frustrating hours trying to make shit work that just didn't work.**
Ultimately, if I don't slap on effects until I have the bulk of my animation rendered, and avoid working in 3d for no reason and tread carefully when I do, then I should be good.
But I love the 3D camera. As a filmmaker it's probably my favorite tool in AE because there's actually somewhat transferable skills or a demand for vision (and when Pr's shitty AI takes off and filmmaking becomes glorified prompt writing everyone is going to stop asking for real cameras anyway so might as well accept my fate right now and bin my C70 next to all of the piece of shit analog cameras no one uses anymore and just buy as many 3d camera plugins and softwares as I can, right? Right?! Hello Cinema 4D 8) ). Parallax is fucking awesome bro. I want to receive joy when I work, so ya I'll throw on deep glow and SS3. Am I a terrible person? Probably. I just want you to know, before you offer me solutions, that I want to have my cake and eat it too and frankly I am going to give you snark if you solve one problem but create another.
(for some reason) continued in the comments. Tbh the comment is more useful than this post. I'm just having a bad day guys and retreating into words to escape my problems.