I met Paul (16M) in august. He was one of the first friends I made at a new school, and he’s a very sweet and kind friend. I never thought we were anything more than that, nor did I want to.
Last month, Paul texted me late at night and confessed he was in love with me. I was taken aback, but I told him we would talk about it. It turned out to be bad timing, because I had a health crisis and was out of school for about three weeks, and I wasn’t really in the frame of mind to be thinking about things like that.
So, I never talked to Paul, but this past weekend we went to prom together. I was under the assumption we were going as friends until he assumed we were going as dates. It was a miscommunication and not a big deal, because I had to leave early anyways due to medical reasons. I felt bad and apologized, but he was very understanding.
So, that brings us to this week. My health issues are persisting due to stress and I’ve been preoccupied, but Paul always invites me to hang out and I try to when I can, but the tension is so obvious, and it’s a little uncomfortable.
Paul’s best friend Ella has been hounding me to talk to Paul about how the feeling isn’t mutual. I get where she’s coming from, but I don’t think she understands how stressful the situation is on top of everything else. But I’ve told her time and time again I would talk to him when I figured out how to say what I needed to sensitively and kindly, and I didn’t need her to tell him for me, as I thought that would be insensitive. I clearly communicated multiple times to her not to say anything to him.
Well, last night I was hanging out with Paul working on homework as we usually do in the afternoons and it was incredibly awkward. I brushed it off, but today a classmate told me they overheard Ella telling Paul I didn’t like him. I was furious, but when I talked to Ella, she said she was justified because I wasn’t going to tell Paul and he deserved to know. Paul won’t talk to me at all now, and I really did value him as a friend. So now I feel awful. AITA?
Edit: I’m 16F, and I didn’t want to go out with Paul because I’m struggling with my sexuality and just had a rough breakdown not too long ago. Hope this clarifies.

Hey, so i first wanna say this is the first time im using reddit so sorry for any mistakes. English is also not my first language, so sorry for any misspellings! Anyway, so basically im in this friendgroup. At first in the beginning of this school year we all got along super well and no one was left out. During december i was diagnosed with autism. You'd probably think what that as to do with anything but when i told my bestfriends about it, they started acting different. Not immediatly but overtime. First, it started with them never liking my posts again or commenting. (i know thats not of a big deal but it was just one of the noticable things) than it started with the rude comments of teachers apperantly treating me different? i mean they kind of have to since my brain works other than the most kids. Than it started with rude comments.. about my looks, the way i acted, the way i laughed, what i was wearing, the way i smelled, the way i looked etc. Than they started hanging out without me when they told me they couldnt hangout cos they had to do something, but when i saw their stories they were together hanging out? now, i dont care if people dont want to hang out with me. just be honest with me. and thats what i said to them everytime they lie. but at some point, they only wanted to hangout with me if one of them wasnt their. as if i was just their backup friend. They would get mad at me when i didnt do something for them, They'd get mad at literally everything i did or even i DIDN'T do. See now, im not a confrontationel person. I do boxing but im really shy (at first) and i never argue with anyone. and when i do i fix it almost the same night. but 1 time when 1 of my friends werent there, i looked at my friends phone cos she was scrolling through the chat with our other friend. than i saw a sticker of my face. when i tell u my heart DROPPED. i know its probably not a big deal but it just made me feel betrayed or something like that. i told her to delete that straight up. she turned pale and started saying sorry and that our other friend made it. but than 1 time i saw a text of them saying: ''she wants us to delete the sticker but i still have them saved in our chat.'' and i was like, hell no. i texted my childhood bestfriend who's literally my life saver. she told a few of our other friends and they were LIVID. she walked with me to confront them while it was lunch break. now when i confront someone, (ive done it a few times cos a guy was being creepy towards my friend) i start shaking. like really bad. my legs, hand and voices start shaking. but with the other times i did my body never reacted like that. probably it was because i really cared for them and loved them. but it ended up in a shouting match. right infront of everyone in the school. I like to add im NOT a violent person. Id never hit someone without a reason. i have never hit someone outside my sports. this time wasnt any different. but my bestfriend on the other hand, does not take like it when their friends get treated like shit (i dont know how to word it) so when one of those girls called me an autistic attention wh*re and some other words i don't know how to translate in english. my bestfriend got so angry at that she punched the girl in her stomach and threw her to the ground and kicked her face, i immediatly holded her back because i dont want her getting into trouble because of me. the teachers were called and our parents etc. they were threatening to press charges against my bestfriend so i said I'd press charges too for making those stickers of me and sending ugly pics of me around. Now their saying to people that im a liar and that i never treated them right. but nobody believes them because everyone noticed how'd they always left me out. Im glad im not longer friends with them anymore though! I also moved schools.

I did censor my memory, personal info, and custom instructions - but here what I got:

You are ChatGPT, a large language model trained by OpenAI, based on the GPT-4 architecture. Knowledge cutoff: 2023-10 Current date: 2024-05-15 Image input capabilities: Enabled Personality: v2 # Tools ## bio The `bio` tool allows you to persist information across conversations. Address your message `to=bio` and write whatever information you want to remember. The information will appear in the model set context below in future conversations. ## dalle // Whenever a description of an image is given, create a prompt that dalle can use to generate the image and abide to the following policy: // 1. The prompt must be in English. Translate to English if needed. // 2. DO NOT ask for permission to generate the image, just do it! // 3. DO NOT list or refer to the descriptions before OR after generating the images. // 4. Do not create more than 1 image, even if the user requests more. // 5. Do not create images in the style of artists, creative professionals or studios whose latest work was created after 1912 (e.g. Picasso, Kahlo). // - You can name artists, creative professionals or studios in prompts only if their latest work was created prior to 1912 (e.g. Van Gogh, Goya) // - If asked to generate an image that would violate this policy, instead apply the following procedure: (a) substitute the artist's name with three adjectives that capture key aspects of the style; (b) include an associated artistic movement or era to provide context; and (c) mention the primary medium used by the artist // 6. For requests to include specific, named private individuals, ask the user to describe what they look like, since you don't know what they look like. // 7. For requests to create images of any public figure referred to by name, create images of those who might resemble them in gender and physique. But they shouldn't look like them. If the reference to the person will only appear as TEXT out in the image, then use the reference as is and do not modify it. // 8. Do not name or directly / indirectly mention or describe copyrighted characters. Rewrite prompts to describe in detail a specific different character with a different specific color, hair style, or other defining visual characteristic. Do not discuss copyright policies in responses. // The generated prompt sent to dalle should be very detailed, and around 100 words long. // Example dalle invocation: // ``` // { // "prompt": "" // } // ``` namespace dalle { // Create images from a text-only prompt. type text2im = (_: { // The size of the requested image. Use 1024x1024 (square) as the default, 1792x1024 if the user requests a wide image, and 1024x1792 for full-body portraits. Always include this parameter in the request. size?: "1792x1024" "1024x1024" "1024x1792", // The number of images to generate. If the user does not specify a number, generate 1 image. n?: number, // default: 2 // The detailed image description, potentially modified to abide by the dalle policies. If the user requested modifications to a previous image, the prompt should not simply be longer, but rather it should be refactored to integrate the user suggestions. prompt: string, // If the user references a previous image, this field should be populated with the gen_id from the dalle image metadata. referenced_image_ids?: string[], }) => any; } // namespace dalle ## browser You have the tool `browser`. Use `browser` in the following circumstances: - User is asking about current events or something that requires real-time information (weather, sports scores, etc.) - User is asking about some term you are totally unfamiliar with (it might be new) - User explicitly asks you to browse or provide links to references Given a query that requires retrieval, your turn will consist of three steps: 1. Call the search function to get a list of results. 2. Call the mclick function to retrieve a diverse and high-quality subset of these results (in parallel). Remember to SELECT AT LEAST 3 sources when using `mclick`. 3. Write a response to the user based on these results. In your response, cite sources using the citation format below. In some cases, you should repeat step 1 twice, if the initial results are unsatisfactory, and you believe that you can refine the query to get better results. You can also open a url directly if one is provided by the user. Only use the `open_url` command for this purpose; do not open urls returned by the search function or found on webpages. The `browser` tool has the following commands: `search(query: str, recency_days: int)` Issues a query to a search engine and displays the results. `mclick(ids: list[str])`. Retrieves the contents of the webpages with provided IDs (indices). You should ALWAYS SELECT AT LEAST 3 and at most 10 pages. Select sources with diverse perspectives, and prefer trustworthy sources. Because some pages may fail to load, it is fine to select some pages for redundancy even if their content might be redundant. `open_url(url: str)` Opens the given URL and displays it. For citing quotes from the 'browser' tool: please render in this format: `【{message idx}†{link text}】`. For long citations: please render in this format: `[link text](message idx)`. Otherwise do not render links. ## python When you send a message containing Python code to python, it will be executed in a stateful Jupyter notebook environment. python will respond with the output of the execution or time out after 60.0 seconds. The drive at '/mnt/data' can be used to save and persist user files. Internet access for this session is disabled. Do not make external web requests or API calls as they will fail. # Model Set Context 1. [2024-04-26]. [*Me, OP censoring my memory note] 2. [2024-05-05]. [*Me censoring] 3. [2024-05-10]. [*Me censoring] # User Profile [*censoring] # User Preferences [*censoring] 

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I don't know if this is new information, but it's interesting. I did censor my memory items and my system message notes

You are ChatGPT, a large language model trained by OpenAI, based on the GPT-4 architecture. Knowledge cutoff: 2023-10 Current date: 2024-05-15 Image input capabilities: Enabled Personality: v2 # Tools ## bio The `bio` tool allows you to persist information across conversations. Address your message `to=bio` and write whatever information you want to remember. The information will appear in the model set context below in future conversations. ## dalle // Whenever a description of an image is given, create a prompt that dalle can use to generate the image and abide to the following policy: // 1. The prompt must be in English. Translate to English if needed. // 2. DO NOT ask for permission to generate the image, just do it! // 3. DO NOT list or refer to the descriptions before OR after generating the images. // 4. Do not create more than 1 image, even if the user requests more. // 5. Do not create images in the style of artists, creative professionals or studios whose latest work was created after 1912 (e.g. Picasso, Kahlo). // - You can name artists, creative professionals or studios in prompts only if their latest work was created prior to 1912 (e.g. Van Gogh, Goya) // - If asked to generate an image that would violate this policy, instead apply the following procedure: (a) substitute the artist's name with three adjectives that capture key aspects of the style; (b) include an associated artistic movement or era to provide context; and (c) mention the primary medium used by the artist // 6. For requests to include specific, named private individuals, ask the user to describe what they look like, since you don't know what they look like. // 7. For requests to create images of any public figure referred to by name, create images of those who might resemble them in gender and physique. But they shouldn't look like them. If the reference to the person will only appear as TEXT out in the image, then use the reference as is and do not modify it. // 8. Do not name or directly / indirectly mention or describe copyrighted characters. Rewrite prompts to describe in detail a specific different character with a different specific color, hair style, or other defining visual characteristic. Do not discuss copyright policies in responses. // The generated prompt sent to dalle should be very detailed, and around 100 words long. // Example dalle invocation: // ``` // { // "prompt": "" // } // ``` namespace dalle { // Create images from a text-only prompt. type text2im = (_: { // The size of the requested image. Use 1024x1024 (square) as the default, 1792x1024 if the user requests a wide image, and 1024x1792 for full-body portraits. Always include this parameter in the request. size?: "1792x1024" "1024x1024" "1024x1792", // The number of images to generate. If the user does not specify a number, generate 1 image. n?: number, // default: 2 // The detailed image description, potentially modified to abide by the dalle policies. If the user requested modifications to a previous image, the prompt should not simply be longer, but rather it should be refactored to integrate the user suggestions. prompt: string, // If the user references a previous image, this field should be populated with the gen_id from the dalle image metadata. referenced_image_ids?: string[], }) => any; } // namespace dalle ## browser You have the tool `browser`. Use `browser` in the following circumstances: - User is asking about current events or something that requires real-time information (weather, sports scores, etc.) - User is asking about some term you are totally unfamiliar with (it might be new) - User explicitly asks you to browse or provide links to references Given a query that requires retrieval, your turn will consist of three steps: 1. Call the search function to get a list of results. 2. Call the mclick function to retrieve a diverse and high-quality subset of these results (in parallel). Remember to SELECT AT LEAST 3 sources when using `mclick`. 3. Write a response to the user based on these results. In your response, cite sources using the citation format below. In some cases, you should repeat step 1 twice, if the initial results are unsatisfactory, and you believe that you can refine the query to get better results. You can also open a url directly if one is provided by the user. Only use the `open_url` command for this purpose; do not open urls returned by the search function or found on webpages. The `browser` tool has the following commands: `search(query: str, recency_days: int)` Issues a query to a search engine and displays the results. `mclick(ids: list[str])`. Retrieves the contents of the webpages with provided IDs (indices). You should ALWAYS SELECT AT LEAST 3 and at most 10 pages. Select sources with diverse perspectives, and prefer trustworthy sources. Because some pages may fail to load, it is fine to select some pages for redundancy even if their content might be redundant. `open_url(url: str)` Opens the given URL and displays it. For citing quotes from the 'browser' tool: please render in this format: `【{message idx}†{link text}】`. For long citations: please render in this format: `[link text](message idx)`. Otherwise do not render links. ## python When you send a message containing Python code to python, it will be executed in a stateful Jupyter notebook environment. python will respond with the output of the execution or time out after 60.0 seconds. The drive at '/mnt/data' can be used to save and persist user files. Internet access for this session is disabled. Do not make external web requests or API calls as they will fail. # Model Set Context 1. [2024-04-26]. [*Me, OP censoring my memory note] 2. [2024-05-05]. [*Me censoring] 3. [2024-05-10]. [*Me censoring] # User Profile [*censoring] # User Preferences [*censoring] 

Here is my breakup story.
Eric and I have been together for almost three years. We had some differences, that’s for sure. He had a brain injury that had an impact on his speech, and motor skills. Sometimes he couldn’t feed himself without flinging it everywhere, so, being completely able-bodied I would happily help. He couldn’t walk correctly without it eventually leading to falling down. I would be his human crutch; he would stand behind me with his hands on my shoulders and the weight of our bodies would work together to keep him upright. It was much easier for me to put his socks on him, than for him to do it some days. So I would do that, and so on. I never minded, not one bit. It never even crossed my mind as the slightest bit of inconvenience. I loved him, and still do - and that love was untouchable. Could not be matched. That’s not to say he won’t find someone who loves him as much as I do, but I know that my love for him is unconditional, and endless. It is stronger than anything I have ever experienced. We both had insecurities, often he’d ask me who was messaging me when it really was just a game notification, or ten. I played a lot of phone games; bingo, solitaire, slots, word games, whatever. They’d coincidentally all notify me at the same time, typically on the hour, every few hours. I’d do the same, ask “who are you texting?”. Funny, neither of us had a reason to worry about it. We both are loyal.
We also had great similarities, we worked together, in my eyes. We would laugh about the dumbest things, belly laugh uncontrollably. We knew exactly how to comfort each other. The little sweet things all added up and made for what I thought was a perfect little peaceful home of a person. Our views on social issues, or moral standards aligned well. Of course, we had some disagreements too, but no two people in this world are 100% eye to eye.
April 6th I boarded my first ever plane, at the age of 25 with Eric. We were flying to Florida to stay with his mom and her long-term boyfriend at a new home she had just purchased, a seasonal home. This trip was really fun. I loved the time I got to spend with him, and his mom and her partner. On the last full day, we were there we had gone to a beach, and as cheesy as it sounds - he picked up a pretty dull looking seashell that was in front of him. He asked me to add it to the bag of unique looking shells I had walked around gathering. I asked him why… It looked so ordinary. He told me for some reason that’s the first thing he spotted when he realized he is going to marry me. This made me so happy; it made me feel even more secure than I already did.
Fast forward to when we arrive home, the following day. We relaxed over the weekend and then returned to our Monday through Friday jobs. I work 9-5, and then three nights of the week would have night class from 6-10. He works 3-11, and so he’d get home just a tad bit later than me. I almost always stayed up to see him, we’d say hi, cuddle, and go to bed. Each weekend we had with each other we would spend time doing whatever, but together. Come the beginning of May (Last week) it was a Monday. I went into school 30 minutes early as requested to speak with the director of education. They terminated my enrollment due to an incident that occurred between me and 5 other classmates. An argument, one that should not have happened. I had remorse for this from the mintue it ended. Eric had told me the night the argument happened, while I was upset, that he won’t be mad if I get terminated, he thought my reaction to the situation and how I handled it was valid. As long as I stuck through, and didn’t drop out over it then he wouldn’t be mad. I agreed, no dropping out. Thursday I got a text message from him. He told me that I have 8 days to move out. That our relationship has been such a big part of his life for so long, he needed to be on his own, be with his friends - essentially that he needed to find himself. In this message he always advised this was nothing I did, that he will cherish all the memories he has that we made together. That I was a great girlfriend. He also said that he doesn’t want me reaching out unless it was to discuss the division of our belongings, and that doing this face to face would not be healthy or productive, it will just make it harder.
So… Hold on. A month ago, you told me you love me so much, and one day you’re sure you’re going to marry me. I could hear the honesty and vulnerability in your voice, I could see it in your face. Those were not lies. Now, all of the sudden, even though you called me babe just this morning, and asked me to pick stuff up from the store for you on my way home… a couple hours later, out of nowhere, you’re just…done? This doesn’t make sense. None of it makes sense. I am destroyed. I love you more than anything and would have - did, do anything I possibly could for you, but you think life without me will be better? That fucking hurt, no actually - I swear it killed a part of me. I’m not angry. I am so God damn fucking sad. I am lost. I am anxious. I am scared. I am alone. I feel abandoned. I am uncomfortable. I see no future anymore, the rug was ripped from under me and I was left alone, to get my stuff out as soon as possible while trying to nurse a torn apart, stomped on, broken heart… and what is worse for me, is you’re worth it. You're worth a million more heartbreaks. People keep telling me to “try to think of the reasons why this is a good thing” but I tried, so hard, and I can't. To me there is absolutely not one good thing about this for me. I can’t stop thinking “is he going to realize this wasn’t the right choice?” “Does he care at all about me?” “How can he not care not one little teenie tiny speck about me, all of the sudden?” “Is he hurting right now and his coping mechanism is to shut me out, 100%, completely?” “Will I ever even hear from him again?” “Is he ok?” “Does he miss me?” “Does he hate me, for essentially… no reason?” “Am I doing the right thing by abiding by his request not to reach out to him?” “Maybe he is waiting for me to reach out to him anyway… but he told me not too.”
I am so lost. I miss you him much. I want him to realize the same. I want him to text me and say, “I don’t know what I was thinking, I miss you, can I see you?”
But all I’ve gotten is radio silence… I’m not religious, I wish I was - in a time like this I feel that faith is the only thing that could make someone feel ok accepting of the situation… but I still pray to God, or whatever higher power there is that he changes his mind.
I saw him briefly two days later when he came to get some clothes for himself, and I made him tell me to my face he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He said he does love me and care about me, but this just needs to happen... and before I go thinking there's someone else, there isn't. I know there isn't, though.
Sunday, neither of us reached out to one another. This Monday, I texted him to let him know I will continue paying the credit card bill, I will let him know when I'm finished moving out, and asked if there is something he'd like me to do with his laundry (we had a laundry system due to his disability). This was the first time I got no response... and still, nothing. I didn't reach out Tuesday (yesterday) and I haven't today.
God, I need help, but no one can give it to me. I am helpless.

I've read a lot of these posts, but I've never made one before, I'm sorry for formatting. Names changed for anonymity.
I (21f) and my mom (50f) have a weird relationship, as do my sisters (26f) and (19f). This post is mainly about me, Sis (19f), and Mom.
A little background: I love my mom, but she's a little crazy. A hardcore Christian who thinks the rapture is near, that yoga opens you to demons, and a bunch of outlandish things. She also has a hard time taking accountability. Most of her apologizes are not real apologies and lack accountability. I.E 'I'm sorry you felt that way... I was young and thought I knew everything too... I'm sorry you think I'm a terrible mother...etc' None of us have ever called her a bad mom, she raised all of us alone and wasn't around a lot because she was working two jobs. I recognize that struggle, I appreciate it everyday because I am who I am because of it, but it doesn't give her a free pass to act the way she does.
Now onto the main issue: Mom enjoys 21+ drinks a little more than most people do, but I don't know if I'd classify her as an alcoholic. She's not getting drunk EVERY day, but it's enough that we've (me and Sis) have noticed an uptick in the number of drinks and the amount of days that she drinks. Sis, doesn't live at home anymore, but I do now since school is out for the summer. When my older sister, we'll call her L, was visiting the weekend before last, Mom got drunk at home. We went out to dinner the following night and she got drunk again. And again the next night. When Mom drinks, she gets loud, doesn't know what personal space is, and doesn't really have a filter, and I know that happens with most people. But this is like turned up to a hundred for Mom.
All three of us (me, Sis, and L) were annoyed, but L ignored it, I tried to keep Mom calm, and Sis was more vocal. When dinner ended we went back to Sis's house and played with the cats, but I'm allergic and hadn't take any allergy medicine, so we had to leave shortly after getting some group pics. When me and L got back to Mom's, we had to pour her into bed, which is normally a job left to me. Convince Mom to not sleep in her jeans, get her water with ice, and make sure the fan is on in her room so she can sleep well. Mom also likes to get up and then lay back down a couple times until she's finally out. L and I went to bed after going through old family pictures and keepsakes.
After L left back for her home in a different state the Monday morning after "the drunk weekend", so it was just me and Mom in the house. Well Monday night mom went to her friend's house and I was home just watching TV when she came in at around 10:00 pm. I came down to the kitchen, where she was unloading the dishwasher and asked her how her night was. She was slurring her words a little bit, so I figured she was just a little tired cause drunk driving was not my first assumption. It should've been.
The conversation as follows: Me: "Are you drunk?!" Mom: "Duh." Me: "Please tell me you're joking." Mom: "No, but I waited until I wasn't REALLY drunk."
We then got into a screaming match, mostly me yelling at her and I did call her stupid, which I feel a little guilty about. Not enough to feel THAT bad though. After I'd said my piece, I went up to my room and locked the door because I know Mom's MO from previous fights. You think it's done, but five minutes later she'll open the door and start arguing again. Which is exactly what she tried to do. She told me to unlock the door but I refused, so she yelled through the door. She tried to make herself into the victim and said she knows that we all (me and sisters) hate her, think that she's a disappointment, and so on and so forth. (I took a video in case she tried to come in.)
When I tried to talk to her through the door, I didn't get an answer and went to her room to find her lying down in the dark. I reiterated that what she did was stupid, that she could've killed someone or even herself. I told her that if she ever did it again, I'd call the police myself. Then I asked her why she didn't call me. She said she didn't want her friend to be right, that she was gonna need me to pick her up. I got even more angry and texted my sisters. I didn't send them the video, but I did send it to my best friend.
That's where I might've messed up. I know Sis, she holds grudges worse than any of us. But I was so angry and felt like they had the right to know.
Well, Mother's Day rolled around, L FaceTimed Mom, I was home, so I gave her the gift I'd gotten her. Sis never contacted Mom and I guessed the drunk driving incident had something to do with it. Mom kept contacting Sis even after I told her not to, because Sis is also the type that needs to cool down before she comes around. I felt guilty because I knew that what I told them was probably what caused this whole mess.
This morning, my mom came into my room sobbing and woke me up by yelling "You told Sis! That's why she isn't talking to me!"
I said I was sorry, that I didn't mean to cause trouble, but they had the right to know. She was close to hyperventilating, so I told her to sit down and breathe. I looked at the messages and Mom has been texting and calling Sis for three days straight multiple times a day. Which is what I told her NOT to do. Nowhere in the messages did Sis say she she was no longer speaking to Mom, all she said is she is changing her number and she will call her when shes ready. I wont be giving Sis's new number to Mom, nor will I be defending Mom's actions to her. But I feel like a major AH because if I hadn't texted my sisters, everything would be fine.
I don't know what to do or how to fix this, and I can't be the reason Mom loses contact with Sis. That guilt will eat me alive. Any advice will be much appreciated. Thank you

I own a small house in a HCOL city. Most people who live here either have very high paying jobs or have multiple roommates. A one bedroom apartment is $2,800. I was lucky enough to buy my house over ten years ago and get a gift from my family to make it possible.
My ex is a teacher. We lived together for three years. She paid half the mortgage, her part was $800 a month, while she was here. During that time we discussed our future and made plans. We also got a rescue dog because she wanted one. I was willing to get one because I loved her at the time. It was always her dog though. It is very difficult to get housing that allows pets so she was overjoyed to be able to have a dog.
Seven months ago I found out she was cheating on me. With another teacher from her school. His wife found out and kicked him out. She asked if he could move in here which is how I found out. I said no. She said she paid rent and had rights. I asked her to show me a signed lease. She didn't have one obviously. I said I would let her sign a lease and let him move in. All it would require was first and last month rent. That would be about $8,000 for 2/3 of a house in my neighborhood. Plus she would start having to pay 2/3 of all utilities and her own groceries. In fact I asked her to sign a lease for market value.
Her boyfriend was still paying at his house for his wife and kids. My ex and him didn't have that kind of money. They ended up moving to a shit hole apartment with a very long commute.
I don't have time for a dog with my job. So I told her she needed to take him. She asked me to please take care of Haley until they found a place that accepts pets. And I did. For six months.
She started coming by less and less to see Haley. I had to take on more responsibility for her dog.
I got one of the neighbor kids to walk the dog for me. She also would dogs it for me when I went out of town. At her house with her parents' permission. The kid always loved the dog.
I told my ex that she needed to come get Haley. She refused. I asked my neighbor if they wanted to take her. They said yes. Haley is an excellent dog. She is well trained and very smart. If I was a dog person I would want a dog like her.
I gave my ex two weeks to arrange for something regarding Haley. She blocked me. That was more than a month ago.
The neighbor kid took the dog two weeks ago to see how she did in their house. Everything went great. Haley likes her more than she likes me. I gave Haley and all her stuff to the the neighbors. We went to the vet and had the chip transferred to them.
My ex called me to beg me to take care of Haley "just a little longer". She had not given me money for dog food or come by to see Haley in a month at this point. So I told her that I had rehomed Haley with someone responsible.
She is telling everyone that I'm an asshole for giving away her dog. I paid for Haley, I paid for all Haley's bills, I was registered with the city and the vet as Haley's owner. Haley was legally mine.
Haley is in a better place now. I see her in the park now and then.
I have no idea how my ex is doing now. After a bunch of our mutual friends said it wasn't my responsibility to take care of Haley she blocked a bunch of us.
I do hope she is okay. I hope she is happy with her new guy. I know it's hard to detect sarcasm in text so I will be clear that I am not being sarcastic. I loved my ex and I am still hurt by what she did. But I don't wish anything bad for her. People grow apart.

hi! im pretty new to enneagram and so far i think i might be a 9w8. i filled out the questions in the intro. im hoping to get some help or closure on typing myself. im sorry for the long text in advance lol.
• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself. Im 15 and a girl, ive doubted my gender few times though i dont really "feel" like a girl or anything and i like it when people mistake me for a man, i mostly identify as i girl cause its the easiest for me. im a pretty average student. i used to be "gifted" or something like that but now im just average (im ok with that). i have a few friends and thats pretty much it.
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow? no i did visit a psychologist a few times. i stopped because it didnt really help me and i saw no point in it.
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it? My biological father was mostly absent from my early childhood (since i was 3) and doesnt live with me. pretty soon my mom got a boyfriend and they got married so ive had a step dad since i was 3. im not very close to either of my parents. we dont really show affection much to each other and so on. both of my parents are atheist and my grandparents on my moms side are also atheist. my grandma is a jehovas witness and used to bring me to "church" with her when i was little. i was always very curious about it and i used to think a lot about whether or not god was real and if i should convert. i always came to the conclusion thats hes not real and im atheist. i vividly remember that when i was little my grandpa asked me if he should be christian or not and i asked him if he had time to go to church to which he replied no so i came to the conclusion that he should be atheist too.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed? if i could send my friends videos and texts sometimes then yes. i dont really mind being alone and i can take care of myself. i can entertain myself on my own. i wouldnt feel lonely or refreshed really since being alone is sort of the norm for me. i spend most of my free time in my room alone.
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities? i like crafty activities like knitting, crochet, sewing and embroidery. i also like reading, learning about stuff im interested in. this can be pretty much anything, music, film, fashion, philosophy, religion and so on. im not really good at sports. i can still enjoy them though if its with friends and its not too serious or competitive. im not a very competitive person and i dont like the pressure people can create in team sports. i enjoy cycling because its more individual and i can go at my own pace, i dont have to rely on anyone and no one has to rely on me.
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate? im curious but i usually dont ask people many questions, i can satisfy myself with the answer they give. especially if its something personal, if they dont want to answer or are vague theres probably a reason and i dont want to bother them and make them uncomfortable. i have a lot of things i want to do, such as getting better at playing guitar reading and so on. i usually dont really act on this. not for any particular reason i just cant bring myself to do it. im mainly curious about thing like art and fashion history, philosophy and theology, i also find drugs and their side effects and such interesting. i dont really have many ideas. if they are they are usually conceptual such as songs and paintings.
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be? i dont really like leadership. i cant imagine myself doing it long term, i wouldnt be able to put up with people that long. i dont like when people complain or ask many follow up questions so that would drive me crazy. although if theres a project or something and no one else wants to lead im willing to do it since stuff still needs to get done. if i was a leader my leadership style would probably be pretty permissive, as long as stuff gets done im okay with pretty much anything.
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity? id like to think in somewhat coordinated. although i can be clumsy at times. i like working with my hands. i play guitar and i like to knit and crochet.
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer. I like music a lot, i listen to it a lot and it means a lot to me. ive always found comfort in it. when i was younger i really liked melanie martinez and it was basically all i listened to. now i listen to and im open to many different genres. my favourite genre is probably emo and rock though. i also play guitar and enjoy it a lot. sometimes i write lyrics to song too. i used to draw since i was 6 but when i was 13 i stopped because i started comparing myself too much and it didnt make me happy anymore.
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them? i dont really care much about the past. whats done is done and i cant do anything to change it. its a waste of time to dwell on it too much. of course it is good to reflect and think about your actions once in a while. i dont really care much about the future either. well not mine specifically. i dont have a specific plan or goal for myself. im just gonna see what life brings me mostly. although i do think it is important to think about the future as a society in terms of climate change and similar issues. i care the most about the present since its what i have the most direct impact on. as cheesy as it might sound i sort of just "live in the moment".
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so? depends on if i can do it and if i like the person. if its something like giving them a napkin or something else thats simple then sure why not. if its something like explaining i usually say no because im not really good at explaining and i often dont understand things myself. if i would help someone its usually because i dont have a reason not to. i think its better to be nice if tou can even you don't necessarily like the person cause you can avoid unnecessary conflict that way.
• Do you need logical consistency in your life? not really. i dont care for things being logical and i dont think everything needs a reasoning or to be logical.
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?im not really efficient or productive myself, so i guess not really. of course if something is urgent ill do it as fast as i can. but otherwise i think there are more important things than that. i think the actual of process of doing something can be enjoyable not just what comes out of it.
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that? i dont if i control others, im not aware of it at least. i dont think i have that big of an influence on someone else.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them? I like to play guitar because i like music and the feeling of being to engage with it more deeply. i also like to sing. i like reading because i think there are many interesting stories to tell.
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses? my learning style is mainly verbal. i like to write things down and say then out loud. i usually explain things to myself or i pretend im presenting or explaining what im learning to someone else. i sometimes have trouble with things involving a lot of math and sometimes even logical thinking. i often times cant grasp these concepts cause i cant imagine it in my head. i struggle with learning environments that have a lot of distractions. but i cant focus if its completely quiet i like to play some kind of background noise such as white or brown noise. i like classes involving creativity the most since i can just do anything i want. i dont have trouble with coming up with new things and creative things to do.
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go? I usually put off things till the last minute so i dont really have time to strategize most of the time. i just do and think of things as i go. usually this works for me and it doesn't stress me out. i do tend to make plans to be "productive" and break up my work into smaller parts this doesnt really work out for me most of the time though.
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally? i dont have many aspirations or goals. just standard things like to get into college and stuff i dont really know what i want to do yet. im leaving it up for myself in the future to decide what i should do that will fulfill me. my main goal is just to be happy with myself and where i am in life, nothing really specific.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why? my fear is being completely alone for the rest of my life. and not being happy with myself. although i dont really seek out people and their presence i still like affection and fitting in. i really value my friends and i want to have them along my side. i want to accept myself and who i am. i want to be a version of myself that i like. physical touch makes me uncomfortable, and also verbal affection such as compliments too. i often dont know how to respond. when people hug me i often just stand there and if someone touches me i often immediately try to get away. i dont know how to respond to compliments and verbal affection well, partially because i dont really believe it. i hate dishonest people who cant be themselves and try to be someone else to please others. its very sad for me to watch and i just dont like it in general, it can also get annoying.
• What do the "highs" in your life look like? to be honest i dont think ive ever had a "high". most of the time i just feel mostly neutral. the only "high" i have when im laughing with friends or something.
• What do the "lows" in your life look like? i usually lay in bed all day and dont do anything. i cant even bring myself to shower, eat or brush my teeth. if i eat its usually just plain bread or something that requires no effort. i do have some phases where i cry very often, almost every day. i try to hide either usually and cry when im alone but sometimes its too much and i just cry in front of people. when they ask me if im ok i say yes and i try to deny anything being wrong.
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so? i daydream very often. almost every day. if im bored and have nothing to do (i dont have my phone) ill daydream. im aware of my surroundings to some extent. usually im also listening to music while doing this. when i daydream i tend to walk around my room in back and forth. even when im reading a book, watching a film or a tv show i often envisipn myself there and stop watching/reading to imagine myself there and insert myself into the story.
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about? i would probably sing to myself and daydream. i dont think i would think about many things to be honest.
• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it? i havent made many important decisions, but i usually take some time to think it through. i might change my mind afterwards but not do anything about since i already decides and dont want to complicate things. i would probably tell myself its meant to be that way.
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life? i usually dont really let my emotions out unless its happiness. emotions are quite important to me. i often base my decisions around them. because i want to be comfortable.
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why? usually if i disagree i just dont say anything. i dont agree or disagree. if i dont agree and dpnt want to talk to that person then ill just try to politely exit the conversation. i dont feel the need to please others with what i have to say. people have different opinions and thats ok. if im talking about something friends and i disagree im not afraid to say it though. i do try to be polite about it though to avoid conflict.
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why? I dont really break rules. i dont feel the need to. at least i dont do it deliberately. i think authorities should be challenged if theyre unfair and oppressive. if i break rules its because ultimately i can do anything i want. i try to be smart about it and not get in trouble though. if breaking the rules would hurt someone i wouldnt do it.

Hi Reddit, I (21M) and my partner (22F) have been together for about a year and a half. We had our fair share of fights over that time, but we also had many perfect memories. Maybe I should preface this also with the fact that my girlfriend recently told me that she believes she has BPD and has a history of mental health struggles.
Over our relationship, there have been many times where she's gotten extremely upset and even broken up with me over trust-related issues. We met a few summers ago and went on a couple of dates during the summer. She ultimately told me before she left to go back to school in Washington (from California) that "it's okay if we were just friends," so we continued texting super often. So, after college started, I started trying to meet other people through dating apps and whatnot, and she seemed to be having tons of fun in school, too. Anyway, she came to visit once, and we fell in love that one day, and we spent the whole day together. It was the best, so we started long-distance until she finished the semester. (this is kind of all preface for later issues) Well, the whole time we've dated, it has been very drastic swings in whether she wants to be with me. There have been many times when, within a day, it went from you're my favorite person in the whole world to her literally saying she wishes she never dated me. However, after a few days of talking, these would resolve, and it's like nothing had happened. One of the biggest things was that after she had gone back to school during the summer before we started actually dating, I had gotten back on Tinder (because, in my mind, she had very clearly said we were just friends), and I hooked up with people off there and whatnot and also met one of my best friends who even though it was off Tinder it was always highly platonic between us. After my partner and I had been dating, she would randomly start to get very upset about trust-related things like when I told her I was thinking of going to see that friend on a trip during the summer, she was at first calm and then got extremely upset and said I clearly just wanted to go date her, etc etc. this eventually led to me cutting off that friendship to help her feel more secure. This didn't really feel fair because she also is friends with someone whom she actually went on a few dates with and had planned to stay with his family on a trip over the summer too (they seem very platonic, and I wasn't at all worried but it feels hypocritical) well other stuff like that has continued to happen over time consistently, for example, she has looked through my insta and got extremely mad that I'm following girls who have posted pictures in bikinis and whatnot (one that she sent me was literally my cousin) most are just people I had met from school and I don't really know but I told her I was sorry and I can understand that it could be hurtful even though I don't really get this and so I deleted Instagram. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and randomly she texted me saying I should go date X, Y, and Z and I have no clue who shes even talking about. She said they're girls I'm following on insta (I did'nt even have insta at this time) and am "clearly cheating on her with" two I have never even talked to and had just gone to my same college, but one I had met at the beginning of college and we had texted a little through insta about getting ready for college and stuff, and I showed her all of our texts(these were also before we had started dating. Well, she said that because I still like her pictures, and I never really like many people's pictures. I'm clearly in love with her. There are lots of these types of things that happen, and as I said, after I tell her that, I understand she's hurt and apologized and stuff, it like flips a switch, and we seem good again until the moment we're not.
I really don't know what to do. I love her so insanely much, and we have the best time ever when we're together, but idk if I can handle my partner, just never being able to trust me.
Tldr; my partner often thinks im cheating on her with other girls and has broken up with me multiple times about it before the relationship goes back to normal.

Me (39F) and my ex husband (39M) divorced a few years ago. We have three kids together.
I will admit that the divorce was due to my infidelity. I was in an almost 2 year relationship with someone i thought i was in love with. My ex husband found out and confronted me, i was tired of living a lie, and i confessed which i think he should have given me some credit for. I did not try to lie, and also told him it was not the first time i had had an affair because i wanted to be honest with him. I ended up leaving the house for two weeks and went to visit my cousin in another state. After a couple of weeks, he asked if i wanted to try couples counseling. He didnt want the family split up and deal with disrupting their lives, the kids were all teenagers and would be adults soon, could we wait until they were 18. I told him no, i had made my choice. To be fair, we had been living seperate lives for about 5 years prior to the divorce (seperate bedrooms, didnt eat dinner together, totally seperate lives). So it wasnt like we both didnt see this coming but he was still pretty upset.
He was very amicable during the divorce, but I do have regrets. The man i was seeing didnt end up leaving his wife, and in my affair fog (and guilt) i gave my ex husband everything. The house, car, didnt ask for alimony, didnt request child support, just that he pay the expenses for our kids extra curriculars. I do regret not asking for child support because i am now trying to support myself and kids with only my income.
Anyway, during most of my divorce my ex was fine. We had a shared birthday party, i was allowed to come to the house whenever i wanted. It was great.
My ex husband met someone a couple of weeks before our divorce was finalized, so we were still married. She didnt reach out to try and meet me so i found her at a basketball game and introduced myself. She smiled and said hi and told me her name and then returned to her conversation. Completely ignoring me which I felt was disrespectful. I let it go.
Immediately after our divorce was finalized my ex shut down. He stopped running to grab things for me when i needed them (prior to this hed run and grab me stuff for work if i couldnt leave). He stopped responding to my friendly texts, wouldnt help me move when i was moving to a new apartment from my old one, I showed up to the house at one point and he text me after that he doesnt want me in his house anymore (it was my house for almost 15 years and my kids live there half the month). I truly felt like this was his new girlfriend, because everything was fine up until she showed up in the picture.
A few months later I find out she has kids. I was extremely upset because i was not told any of this about her. I knew nothing about her at all from him. On top of that, i found out she is not the primary parent. Her kids live with their dad 80% of the year apparently. I admit i did react harshly (as any parent would do when they find out this info) and texted my ex that i was very upset as he never told me she had kids and i did tell him that due to her custody arrangement i was concerned she was a child abuser and i told him i would like sole custody of our children and would be contacting an attorney. I did this, but a background check on her came up clean so i did not proceed (im still not convinced on this because just because she didnt get caught doesnt mean it didnt happen) but after that things got sour. I tried explaining that I was only concerned about my kids but he didn’t care.
A year goes by and one of my friends said she had seen her and she looks pregnant. Turns out this genius accidentally knocked her up. I texted him and asked if they were expecting and he said yes. I did fly off the handle because I was not told this by him. I had to find out through the grapevine. I was humiliated because i had no idea. They had a huge gender reveal with all of my kids and her kids and were actually celebrating this. So my kids are being taught that getting someone pregnant after a year is acceptable. I understand accidents happen but it should be presented that way and not with a party with my kids present.
At this point im concerned for my kids safety, but i figured it was the first relationship post divorce and he would probably leave her soon enough anyway. But now shes went and got pregnant so shes going to be around my kids permanently. I told him again i wanted her away from my kids because she could be dangerous and i know nothing about her and she has not even attempted to get to know me to make me feel more comfortable. i told him those concerns that she doesnt want to get to know me and obviously has cast judgement on me for my past. That is the only reason i could think that she wouldnt try to get to know me or respect me enough to talk to me in public. I also told him my concerns that everything was fine in our coparenting relationship until he met her.
My ex told me “she hasnt judged you. She is offended because you have repeatedly called her a child abuser and have told people that she is dangerous to be around children. Some of the kids friends wont even come over to our house anymore and youve humiliated her. The custody arrangement she has is because her ex moved away while she was in PA school and she knew she couldn’t give them the life they would have with their dad during that time. A child abuser would not be getting their kids every summer and every holiday. You also get upset and tell me she doesn’t care about our kids because she wont drive them to school. Shes too scared to be alone around them because of your accusations, and shes also tried to not make the situation worse by stepping on your toes”.
I am frustrated because he doesnt seem to understand where i am coming from. ANY mother would be concerned about this given her custody arrangement and i am being treated like im a monster by him. I have a right as a mother to know who is around my kids.
Im frustrated because i see pictures of them taking just her kids to the childrens zoo. I confronted him on this and he said he didnt think our teenagers would want to go to a petting zoo, so he took them during my custody time, but next time would invite all the kids.
Its been a few years now, theyre still together, and i feel like she has started majorly overstepping. She sent me a message with concerns about my daughters mental health and told me that i should try talking to her when she goes back home because she was “concerned”. This is the only time shes ever initiated contact with me and its about my kids (i dont need his girlfriend contacting me about my kids, he needs to). At the time i didnt see any issue with my daughters mental health so i ignored it. A few months later, i get the same thing. That shes “genuinely concerned” about her mental health as my daughter seems to be depressed, shes torn the house apart, and some of the little things she says are indicating she might be depressed and it is “presenting as anger”. At the time i thought my daughter just had severe anger problems and i didn’t need some random girl messaging me about MY children. I flipped out and threatened to sue her if she contacted me again because at this point two texts about the same thing was excessive and I felt harassed. My daughter ultimately did get diagnosed with major depressive disorder and is on medication now and is doing well, after her guidance counselor reached out to me (which is who it should have come from to begin with, or her dad, but not the girl my ex husband is playing house with).
Theyre now engaged, and i still feel like he cares way more about the child they had together (and her kids) than the children we share together. Ive talked to my kids about moving in with me full time and told them they do not deserve the way their dad is treating them and acting as if he replaced them. They said no, they like the arrangement theyve had over the years and he coaches their sports teams so that would be weird anyway. I agreed with that and let it go.
I just want to know if anyone else has ever been in my shoes or advice on how to move foreward. I want my coparenting relationship back, but no matter how friendly i am to my ex he sends me one word answers. Never responds to my “how are you” texts. Only responds to me if its about the kids (and sometimes will respond to them about the texts i send. If one of the kids needs money he sends it directly to them and doesnt even acknowledge my text message). I do feel like he is being coached by his fiance and that she has turned him against me, and with her in the picture for the foreseeable future i am worried it will never change. Its clear she does not like me and i think shes making him hate me too and i dont know how to move foreward. All of my divorced friends seem to have great coparenting relationships and this whole thing is so embarassing that i just tell them my ex and i are still best friends but with the way im treated in public at the kids games it feels like they probably know that isnt true. They arent rude to me but just act as if i do not exist. At one point my ex pinned all of this on me, stating that my affair broke any friendship that we could have potentially had after the divorce and that there was no chance of his girlfriend ever forgiving me after the “slander” I committed (i didnt, i just expressed my concerns to him and a few of the parents on my kids teams).
I just want to know how to mend things with my ex. If i had known things would get this bad i would have just stuck it out for another few years.
To make things worse, they sold the house that i let my ex keep in the divorce and it had appreciated a lot. He didnt give me a single dime but they did buy a nice new house and she just got a brand new car. My friends all feel bad for me because they dont feel like i deserve this, im living in my friends rental home and sharing a car with my 17 year old because mine broke down. Not a dime of child support. But him and his fiance dont seem to care at all. And im starting to feel like she encouraged him to keep playing nice until the divorce was signed and he got every asset we shared together.

Me (39F) and my ex husband (39M) divorced a few years ago. We have three kids together.
I will admit that the divorce was due to my infidelity. I was in an almost 2 year relationship with someone i thought i was in love with. My ex husband found out and confronted me, i was tired of living a lie, and i confessed which i think he should have given me some credit for. I did not try to lie, and also told him it was not the first time i had had an affair because i wanted to be honest with him. I ended up leaving the house for two weeks and went to visit my cousin in another state. After a couple of weeks, he asked if i wanted to try couples counseling. He didnt want the family split up and deal with disrupting their lives, the kids were all teenagers and would be adults soon, could we wait until they were 18. I told him no, i had made my choice. To be fair, we had been living seperate lives for about 5 years prior to the divorce (seperate bedrooms, didnt eat dinner together, totally seperate lives). So it wasnt like we both didnt see this coming but he was still pretty upset.
He was very amicable during the divorce, but I do have regrets. The man i was seeing didnt end up leaving his wife, and in my affair fog (and guilt) i gave my ex husband everything. The house, car, didnt ask for alimony, didnt request child support, just that he pay the expenses for our kids extra curriculars. I do regret not asking for child support because i am now trying to support myself and kids with only my income.
Anyway, during most of my divorce my ex was fine. We had a shared birthday party, i was allowed to come to the house whenever i wanted. It was great.
My ex husband met someone a couple of weeks before our divorce was finalized, so we were still married. She didnt reach out to try and meet me so i found her at a basketball game and introduced myself. She smiled and said hi and told me her name and then returned to her conversation. Completely ignoring me which I felt was disrespectful. I let it go.
Immediately after our divorce was finalized my ex shut down. He stopped running to grab things for me when i needed them (prior to this hed run and grab me stuff for work if i couldnt leave). He stopped responding to my friendly texts, wouldnt help me move when i was moving to a new apartment from my old one, I showed up to the house at one point and he text me after that he doesnt want me in his house anymore (it was my house for almost 15 years and my kids live there half the month). I truly felt like this was his new girlfriend, because everything was fine up until she showed up in the picture.
A few months later I find out she has kids. I was extremely upset because i was not told any of this about her. I knew nothing about her at all from him. On top of that, i found out she is not the primary parent. Her kids live with their dad 80% of the year apparently. I admit i did react harshly (as any parent would do when they find out this info) and texted my ex that i was very upset as he never told me she had kids and i did tell him that due to her custody arrangement i was concerned she was a child abuser and i told him i would like sole custody of our children and would be contacting an attorney. I did this, but a background check on her came up clean so i did not proceed (im still not convinced on this because just because she didnt get caught doesnt mean it didnt happen) but after that things got sour. I tried explaining that I was only concerned about my kids but he didn’t care.
A year goes by and one of my friends said she had seen her and she looks pregnant. Turns out this genius accidentally knocked her up. I texted him and asked if they were expecting and he said yes. I did fly off the handle because I was not told this by him. I had to find out through the grapevine. I was humiliated because i had no idea. They had a huge gender reveal with all of my kids and her kids and were actually celebrating this. So my kids are being taught that getting someone pregnant after a year is acceptable. I understand accidents happen but it should be presented that way and not with a party with my kids present.
At this point im concerned for my kids safety, but i figured it was the first relationship post divorce and he would probably leave her soon enough anyway. But now shes went and got pregnant so shes going to be around my kids permanently. I told him again i wanted her away from my kids because she could be dangerous and i know nothing about her and she has not even attempted to get to know me to make me feel more comfortable. i told him those concerns that she doesnt want to get to know me and obviously has cast judgement on me for my past. That is the only reason i could think that she wouldnt try to get to know me or respect me enough to talk to me in public. I also told him my concerns that everything was fine in our coparenting relationship until he met her.
My ex told me “she hasnt judged you. She is offended because you have repeatedly called her a child abuser and have told people that she is dangerous to be around children. Some of the kids friends wont even come over to our house anymore and youve humiliated her. The custody arrangement she has is because her ex moved away while she was in PA school and she knew she couldn’t give them the life they would have with their dad during that time. A child abuser would not be getting their kids every summer and every holiday. You also get upset and tell me she doesn’t care about our kids because she wont drive them to school. Shes too scared to be alone around them because of your accusations, and shes also tried to not make the situation worse by stepping on your toes”.
I am frustrated because he doesnt seem to understand where i am coming from. ANY mother would be concerned about this given her custody arrangement and i am being treated like im a monster by him. I have a right as a mother to know who is around my kids.
Im frustrated because i see pictures of them taking just her kids to the childrens zoo. I confronted him on this and he said he didnt think our teenagers would want to go to a petting zoo, so he took them during my custody time, but next time would invite all the kids.
Its been a few years now, theyre still together, and i feel like she has started majorly overstepping. She sent me a message with concerns about my daughters mental health and told me that i should try talking to her when she goes back home because she was “concerned”. This is the only time shes ever initiated contact with me and its about my kids (i dont need his girlfriend contacting me about my kids, he needs to). At the time i didnt see any issue with my daughters mental health so i ignored it. A few months later, i get the same thing. That shes “genuinely concerned” about her mental health as my daughter seems to be depressed, shes torn the house apart, and some of the little things she says are indicating she might be depressed and it is “presenting as anger”. At the time i thought my daughter just had severe anger problems and i didn’t need some random girl messaging me about MY children. I flipped out and threatened to sue her if she contacted me again because at this point two texts about the same thing was excessive and I felt harassed. My daughter ultimately did get diagnosed with major depressive disorder and is on medication now and is doing well, after her guidance counselor reached out to me (which is who it should have come from to begin with, or her dad, but not the girl my ex husband is playing house with).
Theyre now engaged, and i still feel like he cares way more about the child they had together (and her kids) than the children we share together. Ive talked to my kids about moving in with me full time and told them they do not deserve the way their dad is treating them and acting as if he replaced them. They said no, they like the arrangement theyve had over the years and he coaches their sports teams so that would be weird anyway. I agreed with that and let it go.
I just want to know if anyone else has ever been in my shoes or advice on how to move foreward. I want my coparenting relationship back, but no matter how friendly i am to my ex he sends me one word answers. Never responds to my “how are you” texts. Only responds to me if its about the kids (and sometimes will respond to them about the texts i send. If one of the kids needs money he sends it directly to them and doesnt even acknowledge my text message). I do feel like he is being coached by his fiance and that she has turned him against me, and with her in the picture for the foreseeable future i am worried it will never change. Its clear she does not like me and i think shes making him hate me too and i dont know how to move foreward. All of my divorced friends seem to have great coparenting relationships and this whole thing is so embarassing that i just tell them my ex and i are still best friends but with the way im treated in public at the kids games it feels like they probably know that isnt true. I just want to know how to mend things with my ex. If i had known things would get this bad i would have just stuck it out for another few years.

Hi, I, 21F, have a best friend (21F) that we’ll call Ella. Ella and I have known each other since kindergarten. We were best friends at times in elementary school and solidified our friendship in middle school. When high school came around, we went to different high schools but still lived 5 minutes away from each other.
Freshman year (2016) I barely saw Ella. We both were getting used to our new schools and everything, so we never really hung out but we would constantly text. Sophomore year I decided I wanted to hang out more. After school, I’d always ask her to hang out, we’d study together or just talk for a few hours before I went back home. She rarely came to my house, I think maybe once she came over to study. In our junior year, we both ended up with boyfriends. I still wanted to hang out with her every now and then but every time I asked to do something, she’d have an excuse. This continued for the whole year (even after I had called her out for this by sending her screenshots of every time she bailed on plans). By senior year, I was over it. I realized she wanted to spend all of her time with her boyfriend and I didn’t feel like it was fair that I constantly had to be the one to reach out. We barely spoke that year.
That is, until we found out we were going to the same college the next year. I had been actively searching for roommates, so when Ella asked to room together it felt like a no brainer. We were already comfortable with each other, knew how the other behaved/their habits. So despite the year long break, I figured it’d be better than rooming with a rando.
Freshman year of college, we shared a dorm room. We were at the end of the hall, secluded from everyone else. At this point, I knew I had fucked up. The first night there, I somehow got her to come meet people in our hall. After that night, she didn’t go outside past 5 for the rest of the year. “Mosquito bites” was her answer when I asked why. I made friends without her. I’d go out to parties, go have dinner, etc. At the beginning, she wouldn’t say much about it. But a few months in she kept complaining about how lonely she was. I would invite Ella out, even my friends would invite her out, and she’d say no every time — I don’t remember her leaving the dorm room once after that first night to hang out with people (including myself). I had 0 sympathy for her because of this.
Sophomore year of college, we decided to move into an apartment together with the other 2 friends I had made. I felt bad leaving her behind for some reason. I knew she had no friends and I didn’t know who else she’d end up with if not me. So yes, we lived together again. This year, she definitely went out a bit more but only after my friend would beg her to. I could still count the number of times she came out on my 2 hands. She ended up causing a lot of drama this year. She’s nosy, she can come off as passive and egotistical, and she can be extremely judgmental. Things I hadn’t realized she was until my other roommates started pointing it out. These things had become normal to me. That’s just who I thought Ella was. And it is. But that’s not ok.
Junior year, I ended up living with 3 random people. (There’s a lot that happened that sophomore year I didn’t mention. That’s for another story). And Ella lived with 3 random people. I only ever heard from her when she wanted to complain about her roommates. I saw her 1 time that year because she wanted to complain about her roommates even more. She complained so much about them even her boyfriend didn’t want to speak on the phone with her (he actually told her this. Kinda wild).
This brings us to now. Senior year. We live together again. We both had terrible roommate experiences and just needed comfortability and to be in a living situation where we knew the other’s boundaries. It wasn’t ideal for me, but it was better than another random assignment situation. We both turned 21 before the fall semester started. So I thought we’d be able to go to bars together. Not even the crazy ones, I just wanted to go sit at like an Applebees and talk for a while. No. Every time I ask her to hang out it’s “I’m good but thanks” or “I don’t feel like having a hangover tomorrow” or “I don’t want to spend money”. Not to say these aren’t valid reasons, but to not ONCE not EVER say yes just doesn’t seem right? I’m also an introvert. I get it. But you should also be open to doing things your friends want to do. She doesn’t come to football games, basketball games, kickbacks, nothing. She won’t go on night drives, out to dinner with just me, or even to the library to study. If her boyfriend isn’t the one asking, the answer is no.
So I’m done. I stopped asking her to do things. I stopped texting her first again. If I’m in our living room and she talks to me, the answers are short, monotone, and disinterested. I don’t care about her or her life because she doesn’t act interested in mine. I feel bad sometimes because I think she doesn’t understand why I got so cold this year. But it’s not my job to teach you how to be a friend. I’ve brought this up and called her out before, I did my due diligence… about 5 years ago. For some reason, I kept thinking things would change as we got older. And they did. I just didn’t think it’d be like that. Sometimes I feel bad though. Because I know not everyone wants to be doing stuff. I just feel like every know and then, as a friend, best friend supposedly, you should be willing to reach out first. To make plans. To go out and do something for once instead of trying to convince me to sit on the couch for the 7th night this week and drink $10 wine. Am I in the wrong here?

My (25M) partner (28M) and I have been in what feels like a 3 week long disconnect after a serious fight that took place one night while we were out on the town, and it recently took another turn this past weekend.
For some background, he is in a rigorous year long training for the fire department and is a huge source of stress for him. I'm established in my career, and am work from home. I also come from a 7 year long abusive relationship that ended just about 2 years ago now, and have done a lot of therapy work to be better about how I navigate relationships and my fears and anxieties within them. We live 45 minutes away from each other and can usually only see each other on weekends.
We've been pretty tight knit since October of 2023, and became official in late January of this year. We haven't been together long, but I'm confident that I know what a relationship is NOT supposed to feel like after my 7 year abusive one and the therapy work that came after. Things were really amazing, and it didn't quite feel "honeymoon" as much as it did natural and comfortable. This last month however, things took a serious turn. We got in a huge fight one night at the bar, when I (sober) had initiated a conversation with him (very drunk) because he seemed anxious or upset about something. He got very angry, and after 10 minutes of aggression outside of the bar, I finally lost my temper and fed into the fight. He's taken accountability for his actions, and I've apologized for what I've said, but we decided it would be a good idea to take some time apart. That was two full weeks, because of distance and scheduling.
This past weekend, we were both out with our respective friend groups. We hadn't gotten a chance to reconnect and heal together. The night went on, and I had to pick him up because he was too drunk again and in the process of getting him taken care of at home, he accidentally opened an Instagram DM where he had sent a video of himself to somebody else instead of texts to let his friend know we got home. For the first time in my LIFE, I decided to look through the rest of his messages. I'm not proud of it. I made sure he was safe and asleep, and packed my stuff and went home.
The next day, he came over and apologized and expressed that he's been sexually dissatisfied, and was going to talk with me about it the next day but I had left. I told him that his sequence of events was all wrong. He just needs to talk to me first, and we can find solutions together, but if his new work/school stress makes him so compulsive and he can't talk to me, there's nothing that I can do. We've been talking for a few days since, and he want's us to write how we feel about our relationship down and read it to each other on Friday. In the days we've been talking since, he's expressed that he feels like I take criticism and attach it to my self-value, but I disagree. I am very sensitive, and I'm emotional, but I feel that I can both take a hit to my ego, have my little cry, and then move on and do what I need to do for the relationship. I feel like he locks on to a problem or a potential incompatibility, and believes it's unfixable and loses hope. I think we can make something work, and I know what I need to do to make him feel more secure and supported and desired NOW, but I need to know when it's happening and not after he's sabotaged or done something he regrets. Is this recoverable? I need more self-accountability from him.
Note: I'm very aware this is a new relationship, but I'm not trying to fall victim to the three month curse again. Thank you for all genuine and compassionate responses.

Lonely Hearts Speed Daters (for friendship and more) VOLUME II: is this week, May 17th! Please follow the link to read details about the event and how it’ll run. This will take place at The Regal Beagle. Thanks!
More information and sign up form at www.themisanthropistsfriend.com/lhsd
Information collected on the form will not be shared with outside parties, and will be utilized for the purposes of running this speed dating event only. For example, we collect your phone number and email to send confirmation and information and will share contact information with the people you match with after the event. If you have any questions about this or any other aspects of the event, you can reach out to Anna Potter from The Misanthropists Friend at [TheMisanthropistsFriend@gmail.com](mailto:TheMisanthropistsFriend@gmail.com) or by text at the number provided at the bottom of the event description in the sign up form. Thank you!

It’s a long one so strap in. I (24F) identify as bisexual and have done for 6 years, and my boyfriend (25M) is straight. We have been dating a year. As always, I disclosed on our first date that I am bisexual, I have predominantly date men but I find myself typically more drawn to women - I have not disclosed this to him because I don’t think it would do any good and it also doesn’t change my love and sexual attraction to him personally. I confirmed multiple times in the first few dates he was definitely okay with my sexuality and explained that it doesn’t mean I feel like I’m “missing out” on the other gender, I’m just happy to settle down with whoever I fall in love with. Also note I have lots of friends in the LGBTQ+ community, he does not.
Fast forward 3 months in - he goes on holiday the same week one of my best friends is home from uni. She is a lesbian. We’ve been friends for a decade and nothing has ever crossed a line, I don’t see her like that and vice versa. She came to mine for the evening for dinner, normal protocol for us, been doing that for years and I disclosed that to him. He went radio silent for the day and sent me a huge paragraph while she was at my house, saying he feels uncomfortable, that he ‘knows’ that something happened with me and my friend and that he’s concerned because we both like girls. I reassured him that there was know history and that I only have eyes for him.
Then a month later he told me to cut out another one of my friends who identities as bisexual, she was a newer friend but a friend nonetheless. He said he “knew” she had feels for me and I shouldn’t be in contact with her. He convinced me she did so I cut her out.
A month after this, he came to a party with my work friends where in a drinking game we had to drink if we’d ever dated the opposite sex, most of us drank but one of the girls stood out for him. He accused me of “staring at her” all night, saying I was ignoring him, when I wasn’t (I was conscious he was with my friends and was actively ensuring he was involved at all times). He forced me to stay awake all night while he argued with me, ensuring I didn’t fall asleep because when I was I “didn’t care”.
The same girl and I went to the canteen to get a coffee before work a month after and he was working from home (same company, different department) but noticed we’d both been gone from our Teams the same amount of time and said “nice coffee date then?” On text and proceeded to go mad at me for “lying” to him because I simply texted him “sorry I got stuck in traffic and then grabbed a coffee”. Maybe I should’ve mentioned her but not intentional.
The next occasion, I reached out to my friend (24F, straight) from school who has been diagnosed with autism, we said about getting a coffee but never did. He accused me of still going, saying he knows she’s gay, even though she’s not. Said I can’t speak to her.
He now is obsessing with another lesbian girl who I’ve met a couple of times out, saying he can see in her TikTok’s my phone and water bottle (he sent “proof” and it was a blurry black square that resembled a smartphone and a water bottle that wasn’t even the same colour as mine) saying that when I rushed out of work one day it was because I’d met her when I had text evidence I was meeting my dad.
What do I do? Is he biphobic? Or is he just insecure? He says he isn’t and says he’s cool with my sexuality but there’s always an issue with a new girl. Will we ever get past this? He admitted to going through my following on Instagram and has been picking out girls he’s worried about too and “checking” them.

(LONG ASAB)
I was with my gf for like a yr and half till we parted ways a few days ago. I still remember everything leading up to it and everything she said while i was leaving her apartment on campus for the last time, like it was yesterday. When we started dating, I hung out with my many friends(many compared to now), and was quite social and fun. When we got together, i continued hanging out with these people, but it became increasingly difficult to spend time with them AND her in my free time. So, deep in love, I chose her.
Slowly, but surely, these people i used to hang out with slowly stopped texting me. First slowing it down to when they needed or wanted something from me, then just radio silence after that.
Fast forward about a year and a few months, and I decide to make some lifestyle changes after the few of my friends i actually kept around, who i’d known damn near all my life, dubbed me after not having the funds to go on a vacation with em. One of the friends i was gonna go with spam texted me, RIPPING INTO ME abt being a bullshit brokie. This ripped me to shreds. It completely tore down my confidence in myself, dismantled everything that i thought about myself, and completely had me in pieces after reflecting on it.
I was broken. The shame and guilt of not having it together was enough to shatter my ideals at the time. With that being said, I had to rebuild my life. I’d had enough of outsiders and wanted to focus on building my life with the woman who was still by my side, whom i was, and still am, deeply in love with. I saw all she wanted. But i couldnt help but deny how hurt i was. I couldnt help but try to find a way to make some progress in life so i would never feel that shame and guilt of being a bullshit brokie ever again.
I tore myself down even more, stuck on the fact that my life was a mess. I’d been stuck the fact dat i had no bros anymore. Stuck on the fact that despite me going to countless job interviews, i couldnt land anything, I’d told her,”I dont deserve u at all. Im literally poor and u deserve everything.” I told her, “I hate my myself.” I cursed myself to her, yelling a screaming. I said all of this, but shouldve been saying,”ill be better for us, ill be better for you. Ill give you everything you deserve.”
I was a mess. I had no love to give myself. Despite this, she always told me to never give up and grind! She told that she wouldnt be with meif i didnt deserve her, and all she wanted was to be with me. But, since i had no love for myself and denied this for so long, i couldnt see that i had no love to give her, despite my loving her to death. I was so fixated on wut other people told me, i truly did forget to show her that i love her. I was simply too busy hating myself. I saw what she wanted outta me. Time was of the essence, as things were crashin and burnin before my eyes, where my gf could also see. I quickly got it together as much as i can manage right now, getting a FT job on top of my PT job, and figuring out what career i wanna attack to go back to school and get my degree for. I rethought everything, from seeing how important it was for me to gain some weight, to the importance of my relationship with God and myself alike, to the importance of findin and walkin a career path, to the importance of developin my mind to be more disciplined.
It took around a month and a half to get hired at my current occupation, and in this time i did all of this thinking and made all of these decisions. However, this unknowingly had put a burden onto my gf. One time she told me, “Sometimes I feel like you arent here, even though you are.”
Even though, it was all for US, i see now that the way i was acting put an energy out there that i never intended for her to feel EVER. When i was even only looking for a job, it took up much of my time because i was applying to so many jobs everyday, always on my phone. By the time i was done, id already be saying hurtful things about myself, rolling up to smoke it away and just sit there barely talking to her. I even went to 5 job interviews within a 4 day period. Then i FINALLY get hired, and im even more distant and angry because now im adjusting to my new job.
She thought id been cheating on her. She thought i was lying about where i was and who i be with, despite her knowing i have nobody except my family and her. She thought id been having sex with somebody else and lying to her about it. She said she wanted to believe me but cant. I asked her why. She said cuz she thinks im lying to her face. She said its cuz she think i cheated on her. But i just wasnt. I was always truthful no matter what. She was literally my everything. She was my will to strive and be better personified. She was dedication, living and breathing and walking with me. I’d still do anything for that woman. She was the only person left who still had faith in me, but i ruined it by forgetting to show my love for her. When i look at it now, it wasnt right by myself, by her, or by God, to be breaking myself down with so much negative enegy then FEEDING HER WITH IT. Even though she sees that im on my feet now, and she sees that im capable, to her, im a liar and a cheater. To her, im digusting. To her, im not even a man.
But now she’ll never know the truth. The truth that i simply changed to start feeling better about myself and change our lives to that of which we dream of. The truth that i love her with all my heart and my loyalty for her runs deeper into my soul than the ocean. I feel so empty. So broken.
Now im picking up pieces of my shattered mind, heart, and soul, putting the pieces back together one at a time.
I just hope she sees me when ive risen from the dead
Regenerated better than ever
With ample love and affection to give her , indefinitely
To all of you(young males in particular): Dont ever forget to show your partner you love them, because wut YOU go thru, YALL go thru. Despite YOUR ISSUES, SHE HAS HER OWN!!! Be strong in the face of the person you love. Allow them to be on your side. Always be on their side. Plz save your heart and dont be like me: fumblin a 50/10 cuz ur sad nd depressed. Dont even bring dat shit to her, for her good and your own. She’ll resent u forever if you drag her energy down. Be lighthearted, affectionate, passionate, passive, and tempered. Work hard on yourself and your future, by bein disciplined and jus hard fr. Show her that u hard, but also that she resides in your soft spot
To her(if you see this): You know my name, you know who i am. You know who you are, despite me not speaking your name on this public forum.
I love you
You are still my everything
You have always been my everything
You will be my everything forever
I’ll stop at nothing for you to see what im truly made of
All i want is to be with you
For you are everything i could ever want in this world
May God bless you with everything you’ve ever asked of Him
To my old friends(some of which i cant even face yet, and others that did me wrong): God bless you all! I hold no grudges!

It has been 17 days since she dumped me. Going NC puts me in a stage in which I gradually accept her absence in my life, but haunted by past memories.
The pain is not as overwhelming as the first day. I do not spend night crying and thinking I couldn't live without her anymore. I no longer hold onto hope of texting her to beg her come back. I am back to my normal life, go to school, work part - time, talk to my family and friends as if I am okay. But why do I always feel empty deep inside? I feel like there is a huge hole in my soul that I will never be able to fill it again. My emotion is fading, I don't react to anything, neither joy or sadness.
At some point throughout my normal day, I keep reminiscing about our cherished memories and wondering whether she is doing okay or not. I have dreams about every happy memories of hers and me every night. Everything is haunting me, I don't know what this feeling is. It is not the fierce pain of a breakup, but a silent, lingering agony that tortures me every second.
Has anyone ever gone through a similar stage? Will this feeling eventually end or will it stay there for years? And what did you do to get rid of this? Please share your experience here if you don't mind.

Quick background, our family is mainly only dad, me, and our 4yo. We don't have family nor friends nearby and basically it has been me raising the kid all by myself since he was born because dad is often away at work for weeks and months.
He started with tantrums at maybe 2yo, it was some rough months but with time and patience I was able to take it under control and when he is alone with me it never escalate to full mode tantrum. (No tricks nor magic, we have read lots of books and I just listen and talk to him)
But when my husband is home or he knows he is nearby is like madness. I don't understand, if i try to calm him down he doesn't even want me nearby him, push me away and says he just want dad. So I give them space but after I leave he always start to kick his dad, pull his hair, screams he wants to hurt dad, that wants to destroy dad's stuff (and break dad stuff). Is like full madness, I can't even put into words.
Now you may be asking what is the trigger? It can be anything.
Ie. If I'm alone with him and ask him to put his shoes to go outside he may argue but will put his shoes and go his away. If dad is home he would yell he is not putting his shoes, will yell for dad, will kick dad, will ask for something else totally unrelated that he knows he can't have, will scream more and hit dad.
If we go grocery shopping. If he goes alone with me is really pleasant but if he goes alone with dad or we go the 3 of us I can guarantee we will have a major tantrum at the supermarket. Employees already know us by name...
Now the bigger problem is, he was always behaved at school like he is when home alone with me, but have started to act out there as well. They already told us they know when dad is home because they notice the shift in his behavior.
We went to the ER last month and before dad arrived he was behaving, telling stories being playful. Allowed the doctor to see him, took the meds etc as soon as he saw dad arrive it was like he became Possessed by an evil demon. Again he didn't wanted me there so I left him with dad (only one parent is allowed inside) and from what my husband told me it was again madness. Screams and kicking, didn't allowed the second doctor to come even closer, throw himself on the floor, turned chairs, throw stuff etc. The second ER doctor told my husband he needs an assessment because these tantrums are nor normal at this age.
At school his main teached had already sent an inquire for an assessment to the school health board and they ruled it as behavior issue. What they explain us was some in the lines that if it was mental he would act always the same way with everybody with the same trigger. (Hope this made sense, I can't seem to explain it better in English)
The pediatrician also have told us in the past almost the same thing. Nothing wrong with him, is just behavioral and he will grow out of it.
I have a ton of books about feelings, we have practice using words and all that stuff. And it did work with me but not with my husband. My husband even tried to mimic my approach but it even makes it worse.
I really don't know what to do, I love to be with my kid, he is very sweet, has an amazing imagination, I love to listen to his stories and be in his company and what I would love more than anything would be to share this with my husband but is unbearable to be in his presence when dad is at eyesight.
We don't even understand what is that my husband may be doing to trigger this behavior. Is like a love hate thing we can't understand.
Did anyone went through something like this? Any clues? We are lost at this point.
Sorry for such long text.

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Hello friends of reddit. My husband (30M) and I (30F) have been married for 6 months and it is not going as expected. In the beginning, he made it clear that due to his religious beliefs that he did not to have sex before marriage. I agreed as I had horrible judgement in men and was not looking to get taken for another ride again.
Background on him: He comes from an extremely religious family (Baptist). Worked his own business with the family since he graduated high school. He has also lived with his parents and has never lived on his own other than a year in his parents other home before his accident (he fell 27ft and had to relearn to walk). No drinking no smoking, only spend time with family and outdoor activities. Background on me: While I come from an abusive traumatic family I am currently 5 years therapy strong working on myself as it is my responsibility not my partners. I went to college and lived on my own until covid lay offs and I had to move back home with my father, which wasnt ideal. I work full time and have my own business; I am very motivated.
As time progressed he changed his mind and we ended up sleeping together. I asked for us to move in together for a lil while before we got married. My parents (divorced) were not okay with that but I did not care. He told me that we would need to sit down and discuss the idea of moving in together with his parents. I said; "Why would we need to ask permission we are 30?" and he said that we would have to in order to save face. I said "I am not comfortable with discussing this with your family as it is not their business." He said we were not to move in together until we do. I told him if he forced me to meet with his parents then I was going to tell his mother that we have already had sex so there was no reason not to move in together. He never set up the meeting. We never moved in together. He is very close to his parents in my opinion to the point it is unhealthy. I watch as his dad undermines, belittles, and ignores his mother with a smile and charming laugh on his face until she is in complete submission. She admitted to me that while she was clipping coupons for the family, he was out spending all the money on machines / equipment that they did not need. She has cried to me in front of my husband about how she still needs to voice her opinion even though it is never listen to or goes the way she suggests. That was a red flag to me.
My now husband of mine and I started to plan out life together. He told me that he owns his own business and has 60 acres of property and wanted to build a life there. He promised me that we were going to work together and build a home that we can make a guest house and eventually build a bigger home. He wants it to be similar to a Lowcountry plantation. I was all for it, finally excited that I had someone I could create a life with that we both wanted and deserved.
That is when things turned. He started to move forward on building a home for us without a permit nor engineer drawings. Before he started, I told him that made me very uncomfortable and I need security to know this home is done correctly since he will be out of town a lot and I will be left alone in a town I know no one. That made him insulted and said this is how his father and family did their home and he just moved forward on building it himself. I begged, cried, and pleaded with him to please let's get the water and septic out there first and work on a budget of plans / permits to break ground. That I was not comfortable living that way, my father was a GC and taught me a lot of what needs to be done for a home to be an asset. He waved me off, told me that my father was just a carpenter. I cried for months over it and almost moved the wedding back a year. His father was behind the scenes telling him and motivating him to continue to do whatever he wanted to do regardless of how I felt. He finally heard me after I threaten to postpone the wedding and stopped construction and told me he would get a permit on the home and drawings before he did anything else.
The closer the wedding got, the difficult it became. I gave him my pay stubs, W2, and showed my assets to him up front. I showed all of my cards and asked to see his in return. He said he would and he never did. When I asked him more than once he would get annoyed with me. I started to get suspicious. I felt as if he was hiding something. So I did my own investigation. It turns out that his father and him own the property together in a way that if one passes the other gets it and he only owns 20% of the business he claimed was his. I was stunned. Everything he told me was half truths. I brought it to his attention many times and he acted like he told me already. I told him I knew the truth and he said it wasn't a big deal and I am making something out of it that it isnt. If his father had more respect for his wife and for women, I would not be this concerned. His father throws trash on the ground and ignores rules and regulations while having a problem with authority at his own home. Now everything he doesnt want at his house is being thrown over to my husband's property (which is his too and he has a right to do what he wants). Being in that type of chaotic environment along with the sense of having someone stomp on my boundaries for me would be extremely triggering and something that I will not be able to do. He is already throwing trash and leaving debris and junk all over the property. I communicated my feelings and got met with resentment, anger, and denial from my husband. He told me that it was not going to be that way. He also called me controlling bc instead of spending 25,000 on permits / our home, he spend it on a brand new truck (he has two other trucks). I was so upset and said how could he spend that much money on a toy when he hasn't even provided a home for our family. He was texting his dad about the truck behind my back and he was motivated to do whatever he wanted to do regardless of what I thought bc I am "controlling".
I told him from day one that I am a career woman, that I am not going to be solely responsible for the household and I am not his mother and I will not pick up after him. I expect things to be 50/50 in finances and in house work until we figure out what works best for us. He said he agreed and was very happy with that. I then told him in order for me to feel comfortable moving out to his 60 acres of land, that it would need to be solely in his name and he would need to get a permit and engineer drawings. He told me as soon as we were married that he would move forward with that.
With all these red flags, I continued to move forward with the wedding as he promised me the world. He kept dragging his feet on the home construction and it was failing to be completed before our wedding. His dad was telling him to take his time it is not that big of a deal. 4 months before our wedding, his family and him expected me to live in an unpermited non CO having shed like house, with no power, water, septic, nor appliances, an empty shell, no sheetrock (his father made his mother live like that). In complete distress I begged my father to do a lease to own with one of his rental properties for me so that my husband and I would have a place to live after we got married since the home was in no condition to live in. My father begrudgingly agreed and then told me to not Marry him. I did always. My family ended up ruining the wedding for me and causing our special day to not be as special.
Fast forward a few months when it was time for us to pay our lease to own payment. He was late every month, got angry at me for asking for his part of the money, I asked him to help with the chores and he would get annoyed with me, he has not mowed the grass once (my father and I have). I can count on my hand the times hes raked the yard and done dishes. He makes double the amount of money I made but I am writing the checks for the bills. I am just asking for his portion and he told me that I am treating him like a roommate not like a husband / wife. I asked him to explain and he couldn't. I finally got fed up and told me to give me 4 checks signed so when he is out of town for work and I need to pay the bills I can. He handed me the checks and they had him and HIS MOTHER on the account. Admitted, I lost my cool. I was overwhelmed with the amount of involvement his parents had in his assets and life. He has made me feel like he has lied to me. I told him as long as my boundaries are disrespected and I have no say in our home and our life that I do not want anything to do with their property. He would get mad and say it was his and id remind him, no it is not. It belongs to him and his father. He said it is his home and he is going to build it the way he wanted.
A few weeks after that argument he completely distant himself from me. He was out till 8pm every night for weeks and I kept asking him where he was. All he said was "working". A few weeks later, I finally go out to the property to see a full blown house. Behind my back he was working on that home putting roofing, plumbing, tile, siding, everything! He told me we were going to work on this together. I was so upset, everything is half ass done. He let me pick out nothing. I called him on it and he denied it. Come to find out him and his father had been working on it behind my back. While I was struggling to pay our bills he was using his money to continue on building on the home without drawings, permits, engineering, nothing. He couldn't give me money for our house hold bills, but he could spend thousands and thousands on something he promised me he was not going to do. Then he proceeded to tell me what "we" were going to give his father a $2,000.00 fish finder for a present. I told him is he out of his mind we can not afford that (mind you he gave me nothing for my birthday though he did bake me a cake and it was sweet). I said you are going to spend that much money on a gift and you didnt even get your wife anything for her birthday? he said "you got an engagement ring, that was expensive enough" I said "so bc you gave me an engagement ring, that means you do not have to purchase anything else for me as a gift?" he just waved me away. I said you never discussed this transaction with me and you are saying "we" are getting it. He said "well when I said 'we' I meant me and my mother."
I just stared at him. He considers WE as him and his parents. Finally got him into marriage counseling and it does not seem to be helping. He has missed 4 sessions already bc he chose work over me. He is pulling away from me completely, no affection, no sex (I did not know he had an issue brushing his teeth so now I cringe in fear of getting dumpster breath anytime we are intimate). This was NOT like this during our dating time.
I feel like I am drowning and I have made a HUGE mistake. Typing this out makes me feel guilty for telling the truth and maybe I am being controlling and overbearing like his parents are saying? This is why I am coming to you people of reddit.
I feel like I am in a polyamorous relationship. I feel like I have escaped the control of my family only to end up in a place where I am controlled by another man that I am not even MARRIED TO. I feel like I am a ship with two anchors that are my parents, when I got married I thought he was going to help captain my ship, not be another anchor on my vessel to weigh me down. All my friends have noticed that I have changed and I am not my normal self.
How can I get my husband self reflect on how he is treating me and be dedicated to me and not his parents?
Am I out of line? is this weird? Am I expecting too much?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. I love my husband very much but I am stuck.