I have traveled a bit lately and have gotten behind on my thank you post, my deepest apologies, I know how it feels to send something out and not know if it ever got to its destination!
I deeply love this sub and am still amazed at how talented, kind and awesome you all are.
u/_pickupthepieces thanks for the Owl card and exchanging happy mail with me. Yes this week we have had plenty of sunshine!! Although temps are still yo-yoing.
u/amyt13 thank you so much for the Madeira postcard. Sounds like you had an amazing time there. I took my family there for New Year's Eve one year. I book a excursion on a boat with drinks and snacks, I few minutes before midnight they sail out in to the harbor. The fireworks display was truly AMAZING, they were going off in sync 360 degrees all around the boat.
u/articfox_12 thank you for the handmade postcard. Very clever idea to laminate and send. We did and will have a wonderful vacation. I like to travel about every month from March to Nov...
u/babyraspberry x 2 thank you for the Spring mail postcard and all the spring themed ephemera, good for you for taking Mable out for so many walks. I bet she loves it. Thank you too for the Munro's Books postcard, I love the Carl Sagan book quote. I really want to visit Vancouver Island, I hear their gardens are stunning!
u/cake-at-midnight thank you for the thank you postcard, I am glad you liked the birthday card I made for you :) I love my Cricut, I don't use it nearly as much as I should. You can create some amazing things with it!
u/cassius1213 thank you very much for the Awesome Eclipse postmarked postcard. Love that they actually created a specific postmark for the total eclipse.
u/DanerysWon lol love the ballerina hippo postcard, thanks so much, sounds like you had an amazing time at Disney. What a fun place to honeymoon too!
u/DaniGeek what a beautiful hummingbird card you found for me on your treasure hunt! And so fitting as I just saw my first hummingbird yesterday, finally!! Thanks for your book recommendations, it just so happens that I have not read Life of Pi but I just got tickets to see the theater production! I am trying to decide if I should read the book or watch the movie before I see the play. Thoughts? Redwall is a series I read with my son years ago. and the Dresden files is something my son also recently suggested.
u/doughe29 thank you for the Holland MI tulip card. I went to the tulip festival a few years back, very lovely. Yes, Cincy Zoo has a wonderful display of tulips, do come one year. It also has a great Holiday light display in Nov/Dec that is worth seeing.
u/duygusu thank you for the sparkly Awesome thank you card. I am glad you liked the card I sent, wishing you a quick settling in process. Thanks too for the pretty pansy sticker.
u/ez330 thank you for the Ohio Eclipse postcard. Did you not get to see it? We drove up to Dayton to the Air Museum and the clouds parted at just the right time for us to enjoy the majority of the eclipse. Love all the cool space themed stamps you used.
u/Ginger_ninjah thank you for the sunflower mini card and all the fun stickers. Sounds like you have been busy, still loving your Ninja food processor? LOL still shredding cheese?
u/HexagonalRainbow x 2 Thank you for the Legoland postcard. I could see how it would be really easy to spend way more money than intended at the Brick Factory. And a outlet store too - yikes! How many things have you built with what you bought though? I bet a ton of cool things. Secondly, thanks for the Mount Fuji postcard, very pretty! How did you qualification go for work?
u/keqani thanks for the Krieg postcard, love all the cute stickers you adorned the postcard with!
u/libertyprogrammer x 3 thank you for the Cincy OH postcard. Hmmm Leicester UK in 2044? Not sure I would make plans that far ahead lol. Thank you for the Houses of Parliament postcard, I walked around that area so often, I will respond to your update soon. Believe it or not I just today got your postcard you sent from Kruger National Park! It is dated Dec 20th. Can't believe it took so long to find its way to me. Awesome that you saw so many amazing animals!!
u/Mediocre_Radish_7216 thanks for the wonderful and cute snail mail postcard. You should do a scavenger hunt sometime, I had so much fun with it.
u/melhen16 Thank you for the National Postcard Week rainbow postcard, and thanks for the history lesson on the birth of the postcard, wonder what John Charlton would think about the industry he started?!
u/Mysteryvus x 2 thank you for the beautiful lemon thank you card, it is really very pretty. I am glad you liked the bday card I made as I thought about the things you mentioned you liked. Thanks to for the travel postcard, I really do like to travel. I am calling the travel agent my friend used tomorrow to start the planning of our Australia/NZ trip :) wish me luck!
u/ninayjang thank you for the Rome postcard, I love those art type postcards. I will tell you more about my NM trip soon.
u/PinkPengin thank you for the birds and penguin upcycle postcard. Good to hear from you my friend. I too have a pile of things I am supposed to finish up......I keep getting distracted with making travel plans, people visiting, or one of many other things that grabs my attention.
u/princecowboy thank you for the pen and ink dog face postcard. You were absolutely right, by the time I got this you had made it to your 100 flair - Congrats again. And by now you have received my 100 flair congrats card LOL.
u/purpleroots thank you for the CRAVE postcard with all your doodles :)
u/raspberrypoppyseed thank you for the awesome Disney Gang postcard. Did you have an amazing visit? Did you see any of the parades? They are one of my favorite things to do there.
u/rennbrig thank you for the beautiful artwork postcard of "Shaw Island Meadow" it really is so pretty, so glad you reached your sending goal :)
u/TheFeistyFox thank you so much for my sticker bomb scavenger birthday card, it was fun getting something to stretch my bday celebration this far :) thanks for the washi samples too, love the watermelon!!
u/TyeDyeAmish thank you for the bull fighting postcard, I would have to agree, the bulls probably don't like it! It is not something that I would want to see. I have heard how they are done and I just don't think I could watch it.
u/zenshark33 x 2 thank you for the Happy Spring orange flowers postcard, I have moved several times and the think I like the most is getting rid of things so I don't have to move them, so I am right there with you! Thank you for the purple flower Random Happy Mail postcard, always fun to get unexpected happy mail!
u/Zznightzzz thank you for the birthday postcard from my Scavenger hunt! I loved hearing all about your island and the people there. No problem on its delay in getting sent, been there, done that!! I love that you sent it. I still have one other person that I have not received from so if it makes you feel better you aren't the last one :)
u/wabisabi_sf, u/ninajyang and u/littlemermaidxx thank you so much for the Meet Up postcard from the SF stamp show. What a great venue to meet up and get together!!

Lately I've been noticing my (30sF) rapport with a coworker (30sM) has been evolving. At first, I just saw him as a shy man who knew a few people in the office so I started talking to him to get to know him more. I personally think I am kind of goofy/ non-serious so my default is to just try to make the other person laugh with dumb jokes or talk about irreverent hypothetical. It seemed like it was good because he started talking more with other coworkers, which is great, it sucks feeling left out so I was happy he was able to talk to more people. He's very funny and I personally find him quite charming and attractive but I don't feel like it's right to pursue an office relationship.
Then I kept noticing things or instances where it seemed like he might like me a bit more than just coworkers? Here they are:

1. I noticed when he talks to me, he really kind of looks deeply into my gaze. Like he held down the eye contact, but I just kind of brushed it off because it seemed he talked with everyone like that but I'm not sure since I don't have other peoples POVs.
   
2. When I was at the kitchen and talking to someone he touched the upper part of my arm to gently move walk past me, but I feel like he held it longer than I thought a normal oops gotta squeeze by you move is. Actually I don't even know if coworkers typically touch people on their upper arms to move people.
   
3. In the beginning I talked to him about random stuff in the mornings and he heard I was the same fan as his football team and he got really excited. Then a few days later, he was talking to another person and I was just walking by to get some water when he noticed me nearby and mentioned that he and I had the same football team, bringing me into the conversation. Could just be friendly?
   
4. We went to lunch and one other coworker offered to drive along with me. He decides to get in my car and sat in the passenger seat. When we got the food and needed to go back to the office to eat (because the place didn't have a designated place to sit and eat) I had to give him my food to hold because I couldn't drive and hold a sandwich and both times during the food exchanges giving it to him and getting it back from him, I noticed he grazed my fingers with his fingers. Maybe I'm just bad a grabbing food.
   
5. He notices when I am gone from the office and the next time I'm back he says he's happy I'm back. Seems like a friendly response?
   
6. I said I never had some certain foods before and the one day he said he had a surprise for me and he apparently bought it for me to try it. But I don't know if that is specifically for me because he allowed other people to try it too.
   
7. I have another male coworker who loves to play devil's advocate over trivial things and so I like to just pretend to be his debate partner or anything just to rile him up because I think it's funny. And the initial male coworker made a comment saying he thinks this guy is in love with me. Not sure if he was being a little jealous there or if I'm thinking he's jealous because I'm not sure if he likes me?
   
8. Calls me over when I am walking to my cube to have a chat.
   
9. Anytime I'm in a group conversation he comes over right next to me.
   
10. He eventually tells me about personal things of his life that I'm pretty sure no one else knows about because it wouldn't come up in regular conversation in an office setting.
    
11. He bought me a drink when we were out with coworkers. I jokingly made a bet with him on something dumb and when I was right he bought us both drinks for me winning.
    
12. End of one night he gave one woman side hug but gave me a full hug.
    
13. He's always looking at me when something funny is happening or if he makes a joke. Or maybe I'm just over thinking it?
    

Honestly typing this all out has got me more confused because I feel like this can totally be friendly and I'm just overthinking it. He's fun to talk to but I am afraid asking him straight up because I feel like then it just becomes super awkward. Firstly, am I just imagining this all because if I am not then is asking him outright the only way to figure this out? Is there a more subtle way without potential making the office environment potentially awkward? Thanks!
tl;dr I am having trouble discerning if a male coworker has crush on me but most importantly how do I even navigate bringing it up without making it awkward? Is it possible to just stay good friends?

Over the past few years ive found myself becoming more and more reclusive, to the point where other people interacting and taking an interest in my life is not only annoying but something i actually cannot understand. Ive been trying to think on why that is and it sent me down a rabbit hole which landed me at that title. Ive never really been a sad person, I dont have any glaring confidence issues, i like who i am as a person now more than ever, but still the idea someone would want to get to know me urks me to the point of irritation and it makes it really hard for me to actually form a connection anymore.
I started to explore why that is and began unravelling a web of past relationships that ended, either emotionally or physically, with me feeling abandoned. TL;DR for the next part if you dont feel like reading, lots of the people ive held most dear to me have checked out on me.
My parents checked out midway through my childhood after we fell on hard times, im the youngest of 4 siblings who all had other interests and so lost interest in me growing up, In school i always felt different from others and felt like theyd judge me for being myself, that is until i found my best friend who i felt i could be completely myself around. However later on as we were seperated (i went to Uni he didnt) the relationship became strained as he became jealous of my budding social life at university, we ended up falling out after he demanded i no longer mention my life at uni when we spoke. I made 2 very close friends at Uni who i would keep after graduation, one of whome i came to see as the closest thing to a sister id ever had (something i had always wanted growing up, we'll call her J), the other girl slowly lost interest in our friendship and it became toxic and forced over time, in the end i just stopped texting her first and we never spoke again.
J was the worst by far though, our freindship was at its peak and i genuinly felt like she would nothing to hurt me, i started to have night terrors and as such didnt like sharing beds with anyone out of fear i might hurt them, she was the one person i felt comfortable sharing with, she knew about the night terrors and didnt care, she once held me against her chest to soothe me (which was abit embarrassing lol). But then she got a boyfriend and slowly ghosted me for 6 months, i asked her if something was wrong, she told me no, ghosted me again for 3 months and then blocked me from everything so i couldnt contact her. No warning, no fight, no closure. Just gone.
Since then ive become more reclusive, i talk to less people, im far less open with those i do talk to. Whilest logically i tell myself that i shouldnt take these events as some intrinsic character fault on my part, emotionally I dont think i believe it. I think the reason other people trying to get to know me is becoming so irritating is because I dont think I deserve it, i keep asking why they would want to? Which dosnt make sense because I like myself, I think im a good person, i think im interesting, I think i have good qualities, but the idea that someone else might also see that dosnt compute. It feels like itll only be a matter of time before they lose interest as well.
Today when i asked myself if i felt i deserve love, or just positive relationships, i honestly could not answer in the affirmative, and I dont know what to do about that.

So, some context:
First time posting here and using a throw-away
I met X 3 years ago online. I (Y) am 34M, and X is 27F. Over the last 3 years we've been messaging, with X asking for money. Then arguments would flair up and I would block her as she would get really nasty things, including my past (which includes prison but I still maintain my innocence which she knows the full story).
I had recently unblocked her as I missed the laughs we did have. And everything was going OK...until she needed help. Of course, being the person that cared, I obliged.
I had a bereavement in the family and inherited a substantial amount of money (to me it was anyway) the majority of it, I sent in dribs and drabs to her to help her. And when the money ran out...that's when the arguments started.
I was working on my CV (Résumé for across the pond) and she joking said if I wanted to see a CV and sent me an image of her bbfs bf...the first paragraph contained a boast if how many cars he had, houses in places people would dream of etc...and that's when I called him a simp.
At first, she didn't tell me who or what it was about and I just laughed it off at first. We then got into an argument because she thought I was jealous of a "67 mill Italian boy". She then proceeded to block me and demand that I pay her to unlock me.
For the weekend, I was busy and she kept unblocking me (as I told her she's not getting a penny from me) and starting the whole process again.
Today, she unblocked me and we had it out. I explained with what I said I stood by as, I don't value people who show off money like that, she then goes into an explanation that people from her "world" ask for CVs from men so they don't get "time wasters" (people without money).
I was loosing it at that point and told her it was degrading and disgusting and that it's class separation. She then brought up my past, as I believe as a weapon and that's when I lost it and blocked her on WA.
When I thought I would get a reprieve from it all, she carried on through SMS saying she will give my ex an alibi for the romance fraud I've been telling X about...
This has messed with my head completely. Have I been used again for the money? Or AITA and causing an unnecessary argument...?

So, I cheated on my boyfriend, yes that was my mistake, feel free to judge me personally, but this post is not about that.
TLDR; I ruined the life of a guy I was cheating with and he wanted to ruin mine
Mid of January, I (23M) met this guy (let’s call him D, 35M) on Grindr. I told him straight away that I have a boyfriend (let’s call him F, 45M), so we thought it was just going to be a one-off thing. My boyfriend was visiting his family for a month at that time, a good 12 hours flight from where we are. I lied to him that my boyfriend is okay with me meeting someone else behind his back as long as it didn’t become anything serious. Actually, my boyfriend told me that I’m free to meet anyone else so long he didn’t know, but I’m sure he didn’t mean that as he told me this in a fight.
A was everything my boyfriend wasn’t. F and I were on a rough patch, and communication always became a dead end. He was intimate, and communicative. He desired me and didn’t make me feel lonely in the relationship. Moreover, D wanted to do some sexual things that F didn’t want to do with me. The closer we were, the more intimate we became. Drunk with rose-tinted glasses, I started saying pillow talks that we’ll get married and started naming our children. D paid for almost everything as I was between jobs.
A bit of backstory. D was not originally from this country (Ireland), neither do I nor F. D was here on a study visa, and his visa is about to expire. He met someone almost 2 years ago that broke his heart, and he was in a terrible mental state since, taking medications for anxiety and depression. Last year around December, he took a healing trip around Europe and met this other guy (let’s call him G, 50+M). They met in a beautiful country in the Mediterranean (although G is from another country), so D wanted to move to that country so he could be closer to G.
Anyway, because he was with me and he thought we'd be together, he refused this job (he didn’t get the offer but got an interview for it), and applied to a university (in a course he didn’t want) just so he can renew his visa. He also urged me to break up with F, but I wasn’t sure. F eventually returned, and I said I wanted to be separated from him for a while (in my mind, I didn’t know if D would be able to stay here), and left his place the next morning to D’s place. That day, I ended things with D, because my heart feels very burdened, and I felt like I made the wrong choice. I went back to F’s place.
D then continued to bomb my phone with messages, saying he couldn’t believe this was happening. Eventually, he begged me to meet him one last time for a breakfast to talk things through, and I agreed. I met him in a quite fancy restaurant (for me at least), with flowers, a card, etc. In the end, I melted and when he asked me if we can try this one more time, and he’s willing to be “the guy I’m cheating with”, I foolishly agreed. This was mid February.
From then, he has been trying his best to win my heart, taking me on dates, etc. My mind told me that I should just go with D because 1) he’s come out, and F hasn’t, 2) he loves PDA, while F can’t, and 3) D wants to marry me, while F is already married to a woman. F has been separated from his wife for a few years now, can’t divorce her for many reasons, one of which is because he had children with her. He lives full time with me, even though when his family visited he had to hide me and our things which hurt me in the past.
Anyway, even with all that, I just can’t shake off this wrong feeling. So by the end of March, after D being all jealous the whole month, I broke it off with him. The reason I just realized now: all those feelings that I love with D, I want it from F. And ever since he returned mid February, he’s been nothing but that, so I felt content.
Since we live in the same town, I met D every once in a while accidentally, like in a bus or in a hospital. I have told all these stories to my good friend (let’s call him K, 24M) from work, who had met D but not yet F at that point. I also didn’t come clean to F.
One day, about 3 weeks ago, K told me that he wanted me to go with him and his date to a gay club (he wasn’t feeling safe, and this is after their private lunch). I said yes, because I had nothing to do that day. He then told me that D is coming as well (I forgot if K invited him first or D invited himself before me when he asked K for a gay club recommendation). I had a bad feeling, but eventually said fuck it, what’s gonna happen?
D and I met there. It was awkward, but as the drinks started to take effect, and I started to become tipsy, he asked me if we wanted to “have fun for tonight and forget the next morning”. I agreed. We did have fun dancing (no sex) that night, and he came back to my place, not with the intention to have sex at all (at least from me). Me, still tipsy, was asked by him what happened between us, and one thing led to another… Still no sex, but he came to the conclusion that I manipulated him (love bombing). He asked me if this is true. With the evidence in front of me, I said yes, even though in hindsight, that was never my intention.
From the beginning, I wished that the relationship between me and him was just a hookup, or FWB at best. When romantic feelings started to develop, I genuinely thought that I wanted to be with D. Never once did I think I wanted to play with his feelings or life. But the actions that I did, that he described, is manipulation. So that’s why I said yes.
He got really angry, and threatened me with many things. I was having a panic attack, but he ended that night saying that he forgave me and that he won’t do anything that will harm me. Later on, he texted me that he thinks I have a mental illness (which I also think I have, but I’m still waiting for the diagnosis (my next appointment with a psychiatrist)).
I had forgotten about him, until last week when F left the apartment to buy some groceries in a suspicious manner. I was working from home that day, so I was too busy to worry. I did ask him after about half an hour, and he said he’s gonna come back soon, but I again became preoccupied with work and I didn’t realize he'd been gone for 1.5 hours. I then started to worry that maybe F met with D (something that D has threatened me with as he knows where we live and where F works), so I texted K. He told me to go check, because maybe it was not related and F is in an unrelated danger. But before I left the apartment, D said he’s going to return my stuff.
By then, I knew they met, and lo and behold when I was about to go downstairs I saw them coming upstairs together.
After letting D in, he unpacked his bag and showed F stuff related to us, pictures, gifts. He then unloaded his anger, saying that I ruined his life by manipulating him, that I’m selfish, and that I didn’t regret what had happened so I’m mentally ill. F at this point was trying to calm D down, fearing our safety (bless him). Then, after D left, F and I had the talk.
Basically, F knew from about a week before that. He just focused on trying to calm D, and asked D to not let me know that he’d known because “he didn’t want to see me ashamed in front of him (F)”. D, who’s really set on ruining my life back, didn’t care. But, it was fine for a couple of days, I apologized and put in effort to fix the relationship.
Until D suddenly rang me that he’s outside and he wanted to talk. That day, I just started working, and K was coming over to work together from home for a couple of days. He came in, and told me to pay back what I owe him (around 5kUSD) because he applied to the college because of me. I said yes, and he was about to leave. I went to K (who was in another room closer to the front door avoiding all these because I told him to), and without realizing I said “what the fuck” to him. I also thought it was not loud, but maybe because the situation made the apartment quiet, me and K think D heard. Either that, or he was just really angry, he already left the front door but he barged in again before F could close the door and punched me in the face.
He punched me again a few times on my arms, chest and side belly, until F tried to stop him. I didn’t punch him back, but I did almost kick him because he didn’t let me go. He pushed me back, and F almost fell and hit his head if not for K saving him. F then told me to move away for a bit. I called the police at this point, in case he went berserk. F was recording everything from the get go (voice, legal). Honestly, up until this point, I’m still on the fence about going through with this and going to the police. I also sent about 1kUSD to D while F was trying to calm him down.
The three of us then talk again. D told me that he was looking for me around the city today, and that I was lucky he didn’t see me because he “didn’t know what he’d be doing to me if he saw me, either to punch me and humiliate me in front of many people, or to throw me under the bus”. Now, I was (am) genuinely scared. He also told us that he has been having more severe mental issues, couldn’t eat or sleep, shaking, almost fainted at work. He had to take a higher dose of his medications for anxiety and depression. He left, I was having a quick chat with F that I called the police and he told me not to press charges in case this makes D goes ballistic, and queue the police come (just about 15 seconds after D left the apartment). I believe the police saw his back.
Eventually I didn’t press charges, the police took note of what was happening and a quick background story, and they told me to block him. I’ve blocked him and told my friends to not block him but hide their social media posts from him.
F is in a bad situation now. In the morning after and every morning after that, he was his normal self, caring and all, but after he comes home from work he’s been quiet and stressed. I believe this is partially him trying to process everything and him worrying that D will make another issue, specifically with him at work, and that he’ll be found out that he’s gay. F asked me to run away to a different city just to avoid D if anything were to happen again, but when I asked if he still wanted to try and make this work he said yes.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do.

https://www.laineygossip.com/prince-harry-meghan-markle-approachable-open-during-their-dunk-tour-of-nigeria/78199
As I wrote on Friday, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s trip to Nigeria has been a smash hit, and there’s no other way to describe it – not even the British tabloids can deny that this non-royal tour, which has been the most high-profile royal or non-royal tour of the year, has been a massive success. Which is why, lol, now that it has concluded, they’re now, yet again, calling for King Charles to strip the Sussexes of their titles. Like somehow Harry and Meghan not having titles would have made Nigerians less enthusiastic about their visit?! And also… how is this good advice?
Let’s play this out. Harry and Meghan go to Nigeria and it’s a slam dunk – worldwide headlines, the pictures are beamed out across the planet. So the king’s next move is to take away their titles? Why would the monarch throwing a jealous hissy over his son and daughter-in-law being so popular in Nigeria be a good look?! It would read only one way: petty and vindictive. Which is SO not the vibe. And if that’s the counsel that the king and his people are getting… well… it’s yet another example that these senior royals are surrounded by f-cking idiots.

So, I cheated on my boyfriend, yes that was my mistake, feel free to judge me personally, but this post is not about that.
TLDR; I ruined the life of a guy I was cheating with and he wanted to ruin mine
Mid of January, I (23M) met this guy (let’s call him D, 35M) on Grindr. I told him straight away that I have a boyfriend (let’s call him F, 45M), so we thought it was just going to be a one-off thing. My boyfriend was visiting his family for a month at that time, a good 12 hours flight from where we are. I lied to him that my boyfriend is okay with me meeting someone else behind his back as long as it didn’t become anything serious. Actually, my boyfriend told me that I’m free to meet anyone else so long he didn’t know, but I’m sure he didn’t mean that as he told me this in a fight.
A was everything my boyfriend wasn’t. F and I were on a rough patch, and communication always became a dead end. He was intimate, and communicative. He desired me and didn’t make me feel lonely in the relationship. Moreover, D wanted to do some sexual things that F didn’t want to do with me. The closer we were, the more intimate we became. Drunk with rose-tinted glasses, I started saying pillow talks that we’ll get married and started naming our children. D paid for almost everything as I was between jobs.
A bit of backstory. D was not originally from this country, neither do I nor F. D was here on a study visa, and his visa is about to expire. He met someone almost 2 years ago that broke his heart, and he was in a terrible mental state since, taking medications for anxiety and depression. Last year around December, he took a healing trip around Europe and met this other guy (let’s call him G, 50+M). They met in a beautiful country in the Mediterranean (although G is from another country), so D wanted to move to that country so he could be closer to G.
Anyway, because he was with me and he thought we'd be together, he refused this job (he didn’t get the offer but got an interview for it), and applied to a university (in a course he didn’t want) just so he can renew his visa. He also urged me to break up with F, but I wasn’t sure. F eventually returned, and I said I wanted to be separated from him for a while (in my mind, I didn’t know if D would be able to stay here), and left his place the next morning to D’s place. That day, I ended things with D, because my heart feels very burdened, and I felt like I made the wrong choice. I went back to F’s place.
D then continued to bomb my phone with messages, saying he couldn’t believe this was happening. Eventually, he begged me to meet him one last time for a breakfast to talk things through, and I agreed. I met him in a quite fancy restaurant (for me at least), with flowers, a card, etc. In the end, I melted and when he asked me if we can try this one more time, and he’s willing to be “the guy I’m cheating with”, I foolishly agreed. This was mid February.
From then, he has been trying his best to win my heart, taking me on dates, etc. My mind told me that I should just go with D because 1) he’s come out, and F hasn’t, 2) he loves PDA, while F can’t, and 3) D wants to marry me, while F is already married to a woman. F has been separated from his wife for a few years now, can’t divorce her for many reasons, one of which is because he had children with her. He lives full time with me, even though when his family visited he had to hide me and our things which hurt me in the past.
Anyway, even with all that, I just can’t shake off this wrong feeling. So by the end of March, after D being all jealous the whole month, I broke it off with him. The reason I just realized now: all those feelings that I love with D, I want it from F. And ever since he returned mid February, he’s been nothing but that, so I felt content.
Since we live in the same town, I met D every once in a while accidentally, like in a bus or in a hospital. I have told all these stories to my good friend (let’s call him K, 24M) from work, who had met D but not yet F at that point. I also didn’t come clean to F.
One day, about 3 weeks ago, K told me that he wanted me to go with him and his date to a gay club (he wasn’t feeling safe, and this is after their private lunch). I said yes, because I had nothing to do that day. He then told me that D is coming as well (I forgot if K invited him first or D invited himself before me when he asked K for a gay club recommendation). I had a bad feeling, but eventually said fuck it, what’s gonna happen?
D and I met there. It was awkward, but as the drinks started to take effect, and I started to become tipsy, he asked me if we wanted to “have fun for tonight and forget the next morning”. I agreed. We did have fun dancing (no sex) that night, and he came back to my place, not with the intention to have sex at all (at least from me). Me, still tipsy, was asked by him what happened between us, and one thing led to another… Still no sex, but he came to the conclusion that I manipulated him (love bombing). He asked me if this is true. With the evidence in front of me, I said yes, even though in hindsight, that was never my intention.
From the beginning, I wished that the relationship between me and him was just a hookup, or FWB at best. When romantic feelings started to develop, I genuinely thought that I wanted to be with D. Never once did I think I wanted to play with his feelings or life. But the actions that I did, that he described, is manipulation. So that’s why I said yes.
He got really angry, and threatened me with many things. I was having a panic attack, but he ended that night saying that he forgave me and that he won’t do anything that will harm me. Later on, he texted me that he thinks I have a mental illness (which I also think I have, but I’m still waiting for the diagnosis (my next appointment with a psychiatrist)).
I had forgotten about him, until last week when F left the apartment to buy some groceries in a suspicious manner. I was working from home that day, so I was too busy to worry. I did ask him after about half an hour, and he said he’s gonna come back soon, but I again became preoccupied with work and I didn’t realize he'd been gone for 1.5 hours. I then started to worry that maybe F met with D (something that D has threatened me with as he knows where we live and where F works), so I texted K. He told me to go check, because maybe it was not related and F is in an unrelated danger. But before I left the apartment, D said he’s going to return my stuff.
By then, I knew they met, and lo and behold when I was about to go downstairs I saw them coming upstairs together.
After letting D in, he unpacked his bag and showed F stuff related to us, pictures, gifts. He then unloaded his anger, saying that I ruined his life by manipulating him, that I’m selfish, and that I didn’t regret what had happened so I’m mentally ill. F at this point was trying to calm D down, fearing our safety (bless him). Then, after D left, F and I had the talk.
Basically, F knew from about a week before that. He just focused on trying to calm D, and asked D to not let me know that he’d known because “he didn’t want to see me ashamed in front of him (F)”. D, who’s really set on ruining my life back, didn’t care. But, it was fine for a couple of days, I apologized and put in effort to fix the relationship.
Until D suddenly rang me that he’s outside and he wanted to talk. That day, I just started working, and K was coming over to work together from home for a couple of days. He came in, and told me to pay back what I owe him (around 5kUSD) because he applied to the college because of me. I said yes, and he was about to leave. I went to K (who was in another room closer to the front door avoiding all these because I told him to), and without realizing I said “what the fuck” to him. I also thought it was not loud, but maybe because the situation made the apartment quiet, me and K think D heard. Either that, or he was just really angry, he already left the front door but he barged in again before F could close the door and punched me in the face.
He punched me again a few times on my arms, chest and side belly, until F tried to stop him. I didn’t punch him back, but I did almost kick him because he didn’t let me go. He pushed me back, and F almost fell and hit his head if not for K saving him. F then told me to move away for a bit. I called the police at this point, in case he went berserk. F was recording everything from the get go (voice, legal). Honestly, up until this point, I’m still on the fence about going through with this and going to the police. I also sent about 1kUSD to D while F was trying to calm him down.
The three of us then talk again. D told me that he was looking for me around the city today, and that I was lucky he didn’t see me because he “didn’t know what he’d be doing to me if he saw me, either to punch me and humiliate me in front of many people, or to throw me under the bus”. Now, I was (am) genuinely scared. He also told us that he has been having more severe mental issues, couldn’t eat or sleep, shaking, almost fainted at work. He had to take a higher dose of his medications for anxiety and depression. He left, I was having a quick chat with F that I called the police and he told me not to press charges in case this makes D goes ballistic, and queue the police come (just about 15 seconds after D left the apartment). I believe the police saw his back.
Eventually I didn’t press charges, the police took note of what was happening and a quick background story, and they told me to block him. I’ve blocked him and told my friends to not block him but hide their social media posts from him.
F is in a bad situation now. In the morning after and every morning after that, he was his normal self, caring and all, but after he comes home from work he’s been quiet and stressed. I believe this is partially him trying to process everything and him worrying that D will make another issue, specifically with him at work, and that he’ll be found out that he’s gay. F asked me to run away to a different city just to avoid D if anything were to happen again, but when I asked if he still wanted to try and make this work he said yes.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do.

So, I cheated on my boyfriend, yes that was my mistake, feel free to judge me personally, but this post is not about that.
TLDR; I ruined the life of a guy I was cheating with and he wanted to ruin mine
Mid of January, I (23M) met this guy (let’s call him D, 35M) on Grindr. I told him straight away that I have a boyfriend (let’s call him F, 45M), so we thought it was just going to be a one-off thing. My boyfriend was visiting his family for a month at that time, a good 12 hours flight from where we are. I lied to him that my boyfriend is okay with me meeting someone else behind his back as long as it didn’t become anything serious. Actually, my boyfriend told me that I’m free to meet anyone else so long he didn’t know, but I’m sure he didn’t mean that as he told me this in a fight.
A was everything my boyfriend wasn’t. F and I were on a rough patch, and communication always became a dead end. He was intimate, and communicative. He desired me and didn’t make me feel lonely in the relationship. Moreover, D wanted to do some sexual things that F didn’t want to do with me. The closer we were, the more intimate we became. Drunk with rose-tinted glasses, I started saying pillow talks that we’ll get married and started naming our children. D paid for almost everything as I was between jobs.
A bit of backstory. D was not originally from this country, neither do I nor F. D was here on a study visa, and his visa is about to expire. He met someone almost 2 years ago that broke his heart, and he was in a terrible mental state since, taking medications for anxiety and depression. Last year around December, he took a healing trip around Europe and met this other guy (let’s call him G, 50+M). They met in a beautiful country in the Mediterranean (although G is from another country), so D wanted to move to that country so he could be closer to G.
Anyway, because he was with me and he thought we'd be together, he refused this job (he didn’t get the offer but got an interview for it), and applied to a university (in a course he didn’t want) just so he can renew his visa. He also urged me to break up with F, but I wasn’t sure. F eventually returned, and I said I wanted to be separated from him for a while (in my mind, I didn’t know if D would be able to stay here), and left his place the next morning to D’s place. That day, I ended things with D, because my heart feels very burdened, and I felt like I made the wrong choice. I went back to F’s place.
D then continued to bomb my phone with messages, saying he couldn’t believe this was happening. Eventually, he begged me to meet him one last time for a breakfast to talk things through, and I agreed. I met him in a quite fancy restaurant (for me at least), with flowers, a card, etc. In the end, I melted and when he asked me if we can try this one more time, and he’s willing to be “the guy I’m cheating with”, I foolishly agreed. This was mid February.
From then, he has been trying his best to win my heart, taking me on dates, etc. My mind told me that I should just go with D because 1) he’s come out, and F hasn’t, 2) he loves PDA, while F can’t, and 3) D wants to marry me, while F is already married to a woman. F has been separated from his wife for a few years now, can’t divorce her for many reasons, one of which is because he had children with her. He lives full time with me, even though when his family visited he had to hide me and our things which hurt me in the past.
Anyway, even with all that, I just can’t shake off this wrong feeling. So by the end of March, after D being all jealous the whole month, I broke it off with him. The reason I just realized now: all those feelings that I love with D, I want it from F. And ever since he returned mid February, he’s been nothing but that, so I felt content.
Since we live in the same town, I met D every once in a while accidentally, like in a bus or in a hospital. I have told all these stories to my good friend (let’s call him K, 24M) from work, who had met D but not yet F at that point. I also didn’t come clean to F.
One day, about 3 weeks ago, K told me that he wanted me to go with him and his date to a gay club (he wasn’t feeling safe, and this is after their private lunch). I said yes, because I had nothing to do that day. He then told me that D is coming as well (I forgot if K invited him first or D invited himself before me when he asked K for a gay club recommendation). I had a bad feeling, but eventually said fuck it, what’s gonna happen?
D and I met there. It was awkward, but as the drinks started to take effect, and I started to become tipsy, he asked me if we wanted to “have fun for tonight and forget the next morning”. I agreed. We did have fun dancing (no sex) that night, and he came back to my place, not with the intention to have sex at all (at least from me). Me, still tipsy, was asked by him what happened between us, and one thing led to another… Still no sex, but he came to the conclusion that I manipulated him (love bombing). He asked me if this is true. With the evidence in front of me, I said yes, even though in hindsight, that was never my intention.
From the beginning, I wished that the relationship between me and him was just a hookup, or FWB at best. When romantic feelings started to develop, I genuinely thought that I wanted to be with D. Never once did I think I wanted to play with his feelings or life. But the actions that I did, that he described, is manipulation. So that’s why I said yes.
He got really angry, and threatened me with many things. I was having a panic attack, but he ended that night saying that he forgave me and that he won’t do anything that will harm me. Later on, he texted me that he thinks I have a mental illness (which I also think I have, but I’m still waiting for the diagnosis (my next appointment with a psychiatrist)).
I had forgotten about him, until last week when F left the apartment to buy some groceries in a suspicious manner. I was working from home that day, so I was too busy to worry. I did ask him after about half an hour, and he said he’s gonna come back soon, but I again became preoccupied with work and I didn’t realize he'd been gone for 1.5 hours. I then started to worry that maybe F met with D (something that D has threatened me with as he knows where we live and where F works), so I texted K. He told me to go check, because maybe it was not related and F is in an unrelated danger. But before I left the apartment, D said he’s going to return my stuff.
By then, I knew they met, and lo and behold when I was about to go downstairs I saw them coming upstairs together.
After letting D in, he unpacked his bag and showed F stuff related to us, pictures, gifts. He then unloaded his anger, saying that I ruined his life by manipulating him, that I’m selfish, and that I didn’t regret what had happened so I’m mentally ill. F at this point was trying to calm D down, fearing our safety (bless him). Then, after D left, F and I had the talk.
Basically, F knew from about a week before that. He just focused on trying to calm D, and asked D to not let me know that he’d known because “he didn’t want to see me ashamed in front of him (F)”. D, who’s really set on ruining my life back, didn’t care. But, it was fine for a couple of days, I apologized and put in effort to fix the relationship.
Until D suddenly rang me that he’s outside and he wanted to talk. That day, I just started working, and K was coming over to work together from home for a couple of days. He came in, and told me to pay back what I owe him (around 5kUSD) because he applied to the college because of me. I said yes, and he was about to leave. I went to K (who was in another room closer to the front door avoiding all these because I told him to), and without realizing I said “what the fuck” to him. I also thought it was not loud, but maybe because the situation made the apartment quiet, me and K think D heard. Either that, or he was just really angry, he already left the front door but he barged in again before F could close the door and punched me in the face.
He punched me again a few times on my arms, chest and side belly, until F tried to stop him. I didn’t punch him back, but I did almost kick him because he didn’t let me go. He pushed me back, and F almost fell and hit his head if not for K saving him. F then told me to move away for a bit. I called the police at this point, in case he went berserk. F was recording everything from the get go (voice, legal). Honestly, up until this point, I’m still on the fence about going through with this and going to the police. I also sent about 1kUSD to D while F was trying to calm him down.
The three of us then talk again. D told me that he was looking for me around the city today, and that I was lucky he didn’t see me because he “didn’t know what he’d be doing to me if he saw me, either to punch me and humiliate me in front of many people, or to throw me under the bus”. Now, I was (am) genuinely scared. He also told us that he has been having more severe mental issues, couldn’t eat or sleep, shaking, almost fainted at work. He had to take a higher dose of his medications for anxiety and depression. He left, I was having a quick chat with F that I called the police and he told me not to press charges in case this makes D goes ballistic, and queue the police come (just about 15 seconds after D left the apartment). I believe the police saw his back.
Eventually I didn’t press charges, the police took note of what was happening and a quick background story, and they told me to block him. I’ve blocked him and told my friends to not block him but hide their social media posts from him.
F is in a bad situation now. In the morning after and every morning after that, he was his normal self, caring and all, but after he comes home from work he’s been quiet and stressed. I believe this is partially him trying to process everything and him worrying that D will make another issue, specifically with him at work, and that he’ll be found out that he’s gay. F asked me to run away to a different city just to avoid D if anything were to happen again, but when I asked if he still wanted to try and make this work he said yes.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do.

For starters, we aren't "dating" dating. We're in a queerplatonic arrangement which for us just means kissing is a hit or miss, and we cuddle a lot and show unconditional love. This has been our situation for the last 1.5 years.
I've had a pretty sheltered life and I live far away from the city center (with inconveniently timed buses), so we've settled for me staying over her place from Friday right after school to Sunday. Also keep in mind that my girlfriend (let's call her Abby here for anonymity's sake) is disabled and so we can't go out unless her guardian can drive us there (which she usually can't because she's at work) +there aren't a lot of places that are completely accessible, so we stick to just staying inside.
I'm kind of stuck in a routine. Every week we suffer through school, and then on the weekends we end up too tired to do anything. I desperately want to start going out more but my mother won't let me go out on my own, and going with one of my friends other than "Abby" feels weird, because we're always in a group together. Even though she has no problem and actually encourages me to go hang out with more people, it still feels like a weird betrayal of trust I don't like to partake in.
So, I want to go out, but I want to go with her. If she isn't there it feels off. Now keep in mind she has never made any advances to control me and my social life, and I am well aware this is all an issue on my part. I think as a result of this mindset, I've started getting jealous of her and her friendships outside of our own. I hate feeling this way because it's completely uncalled for and it's clearly a reflection of my own insecurity.
I've made this weird mental barrier for myself where I'm not allowing myself other friendships without her. It's immature, and hurting me a lot. If she goes out without me I get really butthurt about it.
I haven't told Abby this and I haven't let this mindset have any effect on my behavior towards her, because that'd be unfair to her. This summer I want to make more of an effort for us to go outside, but I lack the money and putting the responsibility on Abby's mom to drive us around feels awful.
In a few days we've set up an outing to a boba shop to talk through stuff. I will bring this up to her, because she deserves to know, but this is still an issue I've got to solve on my own.
TL;DR: I've made a weird non-problem about me hanging out with other people and it reflects on how i see my partner hanging out with other people.
I am well aware I am in the wrong, I'm looking for advice on how to stop limiting my own social life, so I won't be setting stupidly unreasonable expectations. All I'm looking for is for advice on how to open up my social circle without feeling guilty about it.
Any ideas on how I can get over this barrier I've set for myself so I can limit/stop these thoughts?

I (21/F) started dating my boyfriend (32/M) back in december. I spent the last 5 years in an abusive relationship, while he spent the last 6 years single. So you can imagine what a middle aged single man spends his spare time doing..
I knew when we met he had a past in terms of his sex life and women in general, but the longer we’ve been together, the more ive found it and ive found it really hard to come to terms with.
Im a very jealous/territorial person in relationships. I would almost say possessive, and i know this. I have a problem with a lot of things most people wouldn’t have a problem with. For instance, him having streaks on snapchat with other girls. It bothered me to the core. I finally talked to him about it and he was super understanding, but didnt fix the problem. Once i said something again and specifically told him to do something about it, he did immediately with no questions asked.
On top of that, i am ridiculously insecure. Im not afraid to admit that. I dont like that hes even friends with girls on snapchat, or on facebook. I dont like that he has to be in contact with women in every day life period. I see myself as bottom of the barrell, and its the root of why im having these issues, i know that.
I found out that he had not one but two threesomes years and years ago and it ate me alive. To the point that i was sick to my stomach for hours. It ate me up for a while. I just cant help but to look at him a little differently. I keep finding out about different girls hes slept with and it just awakens a rage in me that i cannot explain.
This man is an angel. He has been nothing but good to me, loves me like i deserve to be loved, and is trying his best to piece me back together after everything i went through. But for some reason, i cant look past all the things that happened before me. I dont know where to go from here. Ive touched on it slightly with him but havent told him the full extent of it. He’s fixed the things that bothered me and hes understanding of how i feel.
I guess my question is how do you go about coming to terms with someones past? I know all of these things happened before me, and he hasnt done anything wrong to me, but it almost feels like being cheated on. I just cannot let it go, and i want more than anything for this to work because he is such a good man and i love him to death. I cant even put how i feel in this post because i genuinely dont know how.
TL;DR: im trying to navigate how to be with him and not constantly be in an angry state towards him over things that happened before he even knew i existed. I dont want to turn into this hateful person because im so insecure. Am i the problem here? Where do i go from here? I just want this to work.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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I do woodworking, and mostly what I sell on Etsy is fairly small. Pens, bowls, serving trays. The largest thing I’ve shipped out is probably 12x20x2.5 inches when packaged and about 5-10 lbs. I don’t remember exactly what it cost to ship, but it wasn’t much. Probably around $20-$30 tops to go from NJ to the middle of the country.
I’ve been considering listing some small end tables I make, but I can’t find a way to ship them that doesn’t basically double the price. The boxes would end up being about 20x20x20 inches and around 20lbs. Quotes I got were (from NJ) to PA - $45, to IL - $85, and to CA - $145. Prices from UPS and FedEx were basically the same and I think USPS was as well. That was also the max size allowed by USPS if I’m remembering correctly.
Is there another way to ship these that I’m missing? I can’t send them broken down (ikea style) as I don’t want the customer to have to build them. Too much room for error, and I want to deliver a finished product. I see plenty of people selling similar sized tables (that I don’t imagine would ship broken down) with free shipping around the $125 - $200 price range, which is what I was aiming to sell my more basic ones for. If I had to ship to CA with free shipping at that price range I’d lose money, and to IL I’d barely cover my material costs after the shipping.
I’ve thought about using calculated shipping but don’t know how I’d be able to compete with other stuff on the platform price-wise

Ugh, please be nice reddit. I just can't tell with this one.
I joined a social club and met a guy named Ethan (m20) in September. I felt some attraction to him, but was in a long-term relationship at the time, so of course did nothing to act on it. We both took on roles in the club causing us to work closer together around October. I got out of the long term relationship (5 years) in December, and experienced some bad repercussions (stalking, hacked technology, passive threats) by my ex as a result. It was so scary that someone who I saw a legitimate future with turned so cruel and manipulative at the drop of a hat, and though I do not want to go into the extent of everything he did, I should mention affected my schooling, training and permanently ruined my trust in people.
Long story short: Ethan and I admitted feelings in late February. Since he had met my ex and I was still dealing with the tail end of the stalking, I told him about what was going on. When we were talking about the feelings we had for each other, we were laughing over the fact we both believed the other person was out of our league. He also said he pictured me as the type of person he would see himself in a relationship with.
However, I made it clear to him that I do not want a relationship. Though I liked him and wanted to get to know him, I expressed I do not like the idea of relationships right now. He said he had been in many situationships before and was used to them. It didn't have to be anything serious, we could just enjoy each other's company, cuddle, go on dates, have everything be lighthearted.
So, we did that for a while. We dove right into learning about each other and were very upfront about our downfalls. He mentioned he was the jealous type and had been cheated on before, so he feels the need to be overly performative to try and get people to stay. For the second part, I had felt similar in my previous relationship (though my ex hadn't cheated), so I immediately understood what he meant by always having to put on a face for the other person.
While discussing boundaries, Ethan mentioned even during situationships he only ever sees one person at a time and doesn't sleep around. Though we are not together and official, it was an easy tradeoff to just say I wouldn't see other people while he and I were seeing each other--I had no intention to anyway and don't want to do hookups. So, at this point, at his preference, neither of us are planning to see anyone else. I thought that would be it.
Now, a couple of days ago, we were doing a check up on how each of us are doing. I am very happy in our current position--we care about each other, have compatible interests, are sexually compatible and both have been in similar previous relationships and understand what the other has been through. At the same time, it is not so serious that I am worried. He, however, expressed that he still does want a relationship at some point, and went into all that of this with the intention of changing my mind on relationships. He described how the dating phase is like him giving a "sample" of what he would be like as a boyfriend--and this immediately made me wonder how much of this has simply just been him performing.
Here is where I don't know if I'm overreacting: I feel as though he misrepresented what he actually wanted for his own gain. I am greatly struggling with trust since my breakup and for this reason don't know if it's valid that this has affected the trust I had for him. Especially with the "sample" description he's given, I am truly wondering how much he is acting just to try and get me closer. Especially since he knew about the stalking and other scary things my ex did, I had hoped he would feel the need to be upfront and honest with me. I'm meeting up with him on Wednesday to talk about this, and just want to get others opinions on the situation.

For the past many many years I have struggled with mental health issues. I have never planned on living long and started planning on ending it at 13ish or so. Multiple times through out the years I kept thinking alright I will give it a few more years and this continued on. This has never really stopped until I met my future wife (we will call her Rayne) at 22 and began to change my outlook to living for her and staying around for her. She also had a rough upbringing and struggles with self doubts like me. So I wanted to "be her rock" and support system.
I decided to stop with and ideas of suicide and we kind of just went with the flow of things for awhile like a normal fresh couple. After about a year or so we decided to move in together to our first apartment. Things were pretty easy going for us. We never really fought or had an argument like we had seen from our parents growing up.
In my past I never would trust anyone and after I would know them for a few months I would lose interest and push them aside for the next fling. I saw a whole new light in Rayne. She changed everything I had ever thought about another person and made me want to be everything I could I for her.
However, I am and was always incredibly manipulative to people I would meet. This is nothing I am proud of by any means but it taught me a lot by testing people's feelings and motives. So I decided to play a string of games on Rayne to test her end game loyalty to me. Ranging from a fake break up to reconnecting with past exes and flings to spark jealously. I would get caught up myself tough in the flirting and find myself drawn into my own game and finding I was fighting temptations.
Which I absolutely would not stand for as I had vowed to myself to never without any possible excuses would I betray Rayne or cheat on her. This would go on for a year or so until we finally would get married once I was sure she was the one. I felt awful for the longest time having played her like this and carry the guilt still. Though we have often discussed the tricking and games and I have never hid who I was to her once this was revealed and our relationship became official. And moving on through the years we would develop a bond like none other we have ever seen. The things I would do for the woman are without comparison. She is and for ever always will be my best and only friend, lover and wife in this and every life we have together. That being said though I still have my past and issues with mental health and self sabotage.
Which I have recently begun seeking out professional help with and have started extensive therapy and medication. However over the years having such a harsh internal struggle I have greatly lost touch with what displays love and compassion for another. As I have mentioned we never fight or have struggles with each other. But lately I have been struggling to just have the energy to smile let alone try and pretend everything is ok in front of her. We will often have a few drinks ever other night to ease the stress and so on to which the most recent occasion has left a scar on my mind. I clearly blacked out and some things happened regarding her phone which reflecting on it seems so silly. I essentially grabbed her phone refusing to give it to her claiming she was messaging someone else. This came as a complete surprise to me when she had told me the next day. I was mortified seeing her expression as she told me what happened and how she explained that I was just plain mean to her. It gutted me that I could ever let myself become like this can treat her so low.
This has left me in a state where I cannot look at myself anymore and need to change drastically. So I have quit all my bad habits of smoking and drinking and am working on weening off THC products. We have both talked many times about the things we would like to do and the places we want to visit and see so I have wanted to stop these things so that we could save more money and just to stop the habits in general.
Long story short..... I am here now looking for peoples input on those moments and experiences that they had where they felt loved and cared for by their partner. I would like ideas on possible dates and inspirational ideas of things we could experiment with and try. Anything would be helpful and great. She had expressed many times before how stressed she is with work but cannot quit and how much she cares for me and loves me but we just cannot find a way to relieve the stress and burden of waking up daily.

Ugh, please be nice reddit. I just can't tell with this one.
I joined a social club and met a guy named Ethan (m20) in September. I felt some attraction to him, but was in a long-term relationship at the time, so of course did nothing to act on it. We both took on roles in the club causing us to work closer together around October. I got out of the long term relationship (5 years) in December, and experienced some bad repercussions (stalking, hacked technology, passive threats) by my ex as a result. It was so scary that someone who I saw a legitimate future with turned so cruel and manipulative at the drop of a hat, and though I do not want to go into the extent of everything he did, I should mention affected my schooling, training and permanently ruined my trust in people.
Long story short: Ethan and I admitted feelings in late February. Since he had met my ex and I was still dealing with the tail end of the stalking, I told him about what was going on. When we were talking about the feelings we had for each other, we were laughing over the fact we both believed the other person was out of our league. He also said he pictured me as the type of person he would see himself in a relationship with.
However, I made it clear to him that I do not want a relationship. Though I liked him and wanted to get to know him, I expressed I do not like the idea of relationships right now. He said he had been in many situationships before and was used to them. It didn't have to be anything serious, we could just enjoy each other's company, cuddle, go on dates, have everything be lighthearted.
So, we did that for a while. We dove right into learning about each other and were very upfront about our downfalls. He mentioned he was the jealous type and had been cheated on before, so he feels the need to be overly performative to try and get people to stay. For the second part, I had felt similar in my previous relationship (though my ex hadn't cheated), so I immediately understood what he meant by always having to put on a face for the other person.
While discussing boundaries, Ethan mentioned even during situationships he only ever sees one person at a time and doesn't sleep around. Though we are not together and official, it was an easy tradeoff to just say I wouldn't see other people while he and I were seeing each other--I had no intention to anyway and don't want to do hookups. So, at this point, at his preference, neither of us are planning to see anyone else. I thought that would be it.
Now, a couple of days ago, we were doing a check up on how each of us are doing. I am very happy in our current position--we care about each other, have compatible interests, are sexually compatible and both have been in similar previous relationships and understand what the other has been through. At the same time, it is not so serious that I am worried. He, however, expressed that he still does want a relationship at some point, and went into all that of this with the intention of changing my mind on relationships. He described how the dating phase is like him giving a "sample" of what he would be like as a boyfriend--and this immediately made me wonder how much of this has simply just been him performing.
Here is where I don't know if I'm overreacting: I feel as though he misrepresented what he actually wanted for his own gain. I am greatly struggling with trust since my breakup and for this reason don't know if it's valid that this has affected the trust I had for him. Especially with the "sample" description he's given, I am truly wondering how much he is acting just to try and get me closer. Especially since he knew about the stalking and other scary things my ex did, I had hoped he would feel the need to be upfront and honest with me. I'm meeting up with him on Wednesday to talk about this, but AIO?

WIBTAH
Hi I am new to Reddit but watch a lot of reaction videos and thought this might be a good place to get some advice. I hope at least.
My BF (55m) and I (44f) have been dating for a few months. We have known each other for 6 years and have been, for lack of a better term FWB. It kind of an involved story where we went out on 3 dates, he never texted me and for some reason we keep finding each other again and again. I’ve been in puppy love with him for 6 years.
Now my BF “Keith” and I had a kind of wild night the night we started dating it’s a weird and graphic story but he basically stole me from my then boyfriend when we all met up because they both had own the same car (the exact same car, like vin number same vehicle, it was weird). During the festivities, so to speak that night, Keith told me he loved me and I left with him and kind of left my now ex boyfriend hanging (I am an AH for that and I know it, but Keith and I… well I felt were destiny or fate or meant to be or whatever).
When we started the dating process we agree to some ground rules. We could have outside the relationship physical relationships on one day a week and when one of us is out of town. We are also allowed to swing together. I agreed to this very early on.
I expected us to maybe go out on dates on the weekend and start slow. Well that didn’t go as I thought and we spend almost every night together. We constantly tell each other “I love you” and do the mundane like watch TV and go grocery shopping. We are like a real committed couple at this point. We also a a wonderful daily + life in the bedroom. We really enjoy each other physically. So there is no issue there.
The open relationship started bothering me. More so when he came back from a business trip with a hickey on his neck. Like seriously in tears freak out. We didn’t argue but really discussed it and we decided to drop the once a week free time, but he wanted to keep his out of town free time. I am not exactly happy with this plan. I would prefer that we only have physical relationships together. But he told me I was being hypocritical because I was engaged in such acts as well when he was out of town. I own that and the next trip, I actually didn’t because I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I also expressed to him how much it hurt me that he was still doing it and his response was “I’m sorry you’re hurting” I don’t know what or if he did anything on the last trip. I just try not to think about it. I live in my delusion of believing he wouldn’t but he never said he didn’t. Whatever I’m not sure it matters.
Part of what matters is that he stay in contact during these trips. Like tell me good morning and I love you and text me when you get back to your room so we can chat about our day. He has an important job and I know he is busy and networking and meeting with people during these trips, so I try to stay out of his way and let him get in touch with me. Well last trip he barely spoke to me and didn’t really do anything I asked him to. But it is what it is he was busy. But it hurts me to think that he is with some random at the hotel bar instead of texting me. Like I become completely unimportant on these trips.
I’m getting better about and he actually had 3 7 day trips in the first two months so it was early on and whatever.
Now he has his own jealousy. He will never admit to it but he is jealous of another FWB of mine that I have know as long as I have known as long as I have known Keith (they have been aware of each other for years but it never mattered because we were just FWB). Me and “Joey” (55m) have never been in a relationship and have never seen each other outside of his house. I do have feelings for him and have asked him to think about dating me several times. Keith knows this and gets very upset when I said anything about him. Joey waited until after I was dating Keith and told me he had feelings for me because why shouldn’t two men I have been ignored by for half a decade suddenly decide they love me at the same time. So be it. I told Joey not to put me in that position and he has been very cool about it since. Keith also got jealous because my exboyfriend that he so gracefully stole me from with a handshake a the words “I’m keeping her” texted me to see if Keith and I were together still. I told him we were and he said congrats. Keith got uncomfortable and a little weird about it and said he was trying to get back with me. Like yes he was, but I told Keith I went home with him that night and not to worry about it.
Now, guess who is going out of town this coming weekend, Ya guessed it, Keith. I know what is going to happen and I again am trying not to think about it and stress about it. But it also happens to coincidentally be a big weekend for Joey as it is his 10 year sober birthday and he has told me I am the only one who ever remembers. I really want to see Joey to celebrate.
I know me continuing to have a physical only relationship and friendship with Joey hurts Keith. I know that I am a hypocrite for wanting Keith to not have a physical relationship on business trips when I am doing the same. But this is really a huge special milestone for Joey and I want to spend it with him and know for a fact it will be physical. I want that. I will say though I have explicitly told Joey this might be the last time we see each other.
I am ridiculously happy with Keith he is the love of my life. We are actually coming up on the planned time we were going to reassess the open relationship when we started it. He makes me really happy, with the exception of the times he is out of town.
WIBTA IF have one more fling with Joey
tl;dr I have an open relationship should i utilize it and be with a guy my boyfriend is jealous of?

I'm a divorced guy, starting the next chapter in my life, and I'm seeking my forever person. Pics in my profile. About me:

• I do not want kids. No compromise on this. I wish to live childfree and am seeking a partner who desires the same.
• I am a leftist, progressive socialist. I am strongly pro-LGBTQIA+. BLM. ACAB.
• I'm an atheist, humanist, secularist and am staunchly pro-science. I want to believe as many true things and as few false things as I can.
• I’m a big nerd. I love books, comics, movies, games of all sorts, including video and tabletop. I love pop culture, especially from decades past. I quote a lot of movies and shows. I collect toys. I’m a big kid at heart, reclaiming what I never had as a child.
• I’m an abuse survivor. I separated from my abusive family almost a decade ago and my family now is a family of choice. I am strongly interested in and a proponent of mental health.
• I’m a dog lover. I have two now and will likely always have dogs in my life, as I see them as an essential part of my happiness. Unfortunately, I am highly allergic to cats.
• I’m mildly autistic; I can pass pretty easily. I’m sensitive and introverted and have a limited amount of spoons to spend on social stuff. I’m a homebody, and like my peace and quiet, though I’m happy to share that with a like-minded person.
• I am honest, direct, forthright, and have a strong ethical compass. I am very much in touch with my emotions. I strive never to fall into the traps of toxic masculinity. I value the truth, and am a proponent of clear, open communication in a relationship.
• My love languages are acts of service, touch, and words of affirmation.
• I am seeking monogamy only.
• I am sober; I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs.
• I’m in Kentucky right now but I’m pretty eager to move elsewhere eventually. My job is remote so I can go pretty much where I want. So I’m down for an LDR, at first. But please be willing/able to travel if you’re far away.
• Some people really care about height; I'm tall, 6'4".
• Lastly, I am fat. I’m not looking to change that right now. Loving myself as I am. I’m also into fat liberation, and ending the stigma against large bodies. I believe everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, and to find love and sex, regardless of their size.

I cordially invite you to reply if:

• You know what you are looking for and are not interested in games. You're seeking a serious relationship that will last. You are honest, authentic, grounded, and seeking the same sort of things I am. You are able to be vulnerable and are good at communicating.
• You are neurodivergent or comfortable with those who are.
• You're a homebody, a couch potato, someone who likes staying in and watching a show together rather than going on a lot of outdoor adventures.
• You are non-religious.
• You are politically left-leaning.
• You are childfree.
• You're sober and a non-smoker.
• You're geeky, nerdy, crafty, having special interests, hobbies, and obsessions you're eager to share.
• You are sex-positive, body-positive, and kink-friendly.
• You are emotionally intelligent, emotionally available, and good at communicating.
• You are stable in your life enough to pursue a long-term and likely long-distance relationship.
• You are plus-size, a BBW, thick, curvy, or whatever term suits you best; I like big girls.

Bonus points if any of the following apply to you: you bake, you like ASMR, you're a fan of Tolkien/Lord of the Rings, you play RPGs, you play video games, you like 80s and 90s pop culture, you're a redhead, you wear glasses, you're a dog lover, you have a southern accent, you got a phat booty.
Seeking ladies between 30-50, though that's not set in stone if the connection works. A pic of you in your initial message is highly appreciated if possible.

Hey Crabroach Begging Begging Begging!!!!!Talking About Hit The Cash-app I'm 36 I need Ten People To Send Me 36 Cookies!! Wow Taking A Long Time To Get Them COINS Huh!!! You've Been BEGGING SINCE THIS MORNING!!! IT's GETTING HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP!!!!! PEOPLE ARE SLOWLY WAKING UP!!!YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING!!!! NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF SALVAGE VEHICLES WAITING ON THE CAR CRUSHER AND SALVAGE HOUSES WAITING ON THE BULLDOZER!!! WHO'S JEALOUS??? LET ME SAY IT LIKE KEITH SWEAT NOBODY 🎶 🎵 YOU SO FUNNY!!! YOU MAD OR NAH??? I THANK YOU MAD!!!! BYE UNTIL NEXT TIME ROACH!!!!

I'm a divorced guy, starting the next chapter in my life, and I'm seeking my forever person. Pics in my profile. About me:

• I do not want kids. No compromise on this. I wish to live childfree and am seeking a partner who desires the same.
• I am a leftist, progressive socialist. I am strongly pro-LGBTQIA+. BLM. ACAB.
• I'm an atheist, humanist, secularist and am staunchly pro-science. I want to believe as many true things and as few false things as I can.
• I’m a big nerd. I love books, comics, movies, games of all sorts, including video and tabletop. I love pop culture, especially from decades past. I quote a lot of movies and shows. I collect toys. I’m a big kid at heart, reclaiming what I never had as a child.
• I’m an abuse survivor. I separated from my abusive family almost a decade ago and my family now is a family of choice. I am strongly interested in and a proponent of mental health.
• I’m a dog lover. I have two now and will likely always have dogs in my life, as I see them as an essential part of my happiness. Unfortunately, I am highly allergic to cats.
• I’m mildly autistic; I can pass pretty easily. I’m sensitive and introverted and have a limited amount of spoons to spend on social stuff. I’m a homebody, and like my peace and quiet, though I’m happy to share that with a like-minded person.
• I am honest, direct, forthright, and have a strong ethical compass. I am very much in touch with my emotions. I strive never to fall into the traps of toxic masculinity. I value the truth, and am a proponent of clear, open communication in a relationship.
• My love languages are acts of service, touch, and words of affirmation.
• I am seeking monogamy only.
• I am sober; I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs.
• I’m in Kentucky right now but I’m pretty eager to move elsewhere eventually. My job is remote so I can go pretty much where I want. So I’m down for an LDR, at first. But please be willing/able to travel if you’re far away.
• Some people really care about height; I'm tall, 6'4".
• Lastly, I am fat. I’m not looking to change that right now. Loving myself as I am. I’m also into fat liberation, and ending the stigma against large bodies. I believe everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, and to find love and sex, regardless of their size.

I cordially invite you to reply if:

• You know what you are looking for and are not interested in games. You're seeking a serious relationship that will last. You are honest, authentic, grounded, and seeking the same sort of things I am. You are able to be vulnerable and are good at communicating.
• You are neurodivergent or comfortable with those who are.
• You're a homebody, a couch potato, someone who likes staying in and watching a show together rather than going on a lot of outdoor adventures.
• You are non-religious.
• You are politically left-leaning.
• You are childfree.
• You're sober and a non-smoker.
• You're geeky, nerdy, crafty, having special interests, hobbies, and obsessions you're eager to share.
• You are sex-positive & body-positive.
• You are emotionally intelligent, emotionally available, and good at communicating.
• You are stable in your life enough to pursue a long-term and likely long-distance relationship.
• You are plus-size, a BBW, thick, curvy, or whatever term suits you best; I like big girls.

Bonus points if any of the following apply to you: you bake, you like ASMR, you're a fan of Tolkien/Lord of the Rings, you play RPGs, you play video games, you like 80s and 90s pop culture, you're a redhead, you wear glasses, you're a dog lover, you have a southern accent, you got a phat booty.
Seeking ladies between 30-50, though that's not set in stone if the connection works. A pic of you in your initial message is highly appreciated if possible.

Okay, fourth rewrite, I'm making this in hopes that their is someone who can help me in some way. Maybe someone knows the answer to it all and can guide me, though unlikely. I'll just list out all my issues in seperate paragraphs and hopefully their is just someone out their to help, if you can help me just please do, I really need help or at least someone and you reading this and giving me advice would truly mean a lot to me. Anyways
I feel stupid: I honestly feel braindead, I hate my mind so much. Sometimes it's hard to think or do, sometimes I can't think or do. My mind is so numb, everything about my mind just feels wrong and dead. My mind has felt dead for a year or two now and I just wish it was alive, I want my mind to be normol, I want it to actually work. I also want confidence in my mind, any failure or lack of underatanding makes me defeated and feeling like a dunce. Anything I can do I say was just luck or something anyone should know. I don't know if I'm stupid or not but dam I feel like I am the dumbest in a room. I would give it all to be intelliegent, I wish I was smart, well read, well informed, well versed. I so desperately want to know, so desperately want to be smart. I wish I could understand stuff. I just want to be smart and have a bright alive mind, but my mind is so dead and desolate and compared to the rest worthless. I hit myself in my head whenever I'm mistaken or just feel so stupid, and I honestly deserve it. If I were to kill myself my mind being numb and stupid would be the reason or a big reason why, I just want to be smart. You can likely tell just how much of an idiot I am by reading this via grammer, spelling, complaints. That "likely" was meant to be "probaboly" but I'm just stupid and worthless to spell. If there was just a way to be smart and not such a moron, I fucking hate my life.
I have body issues: I without doubt have body issues, the biggest of which is my weight. As of now I am 5,9 (1.7M) and 211lbs (95.7KG), I was 246lbs (111kg) to begin with and it was also my heaviest. Despite losing a good amount of weight I am not happy and have no pride, I'm still fat and thats all I see sadly. I don't want to be fat or skinny, I want to be muscular:big arms, built chest, flat stomach, no abs (don't like them) that sounds appealing, it's what I want. Unfourtunely I as of now can't work to this goal, I don't have money for a gym or equipment, famliy funds can't do it ethier and awhile ago I turned down a weight bench since I wasn't confident, now I regret that choice. I hate being fat so much, and this deep hatred and desperation has led to a embarassing cycle, for two years now I have been downloading images of muscular bodies. They're all drawings or from videogames since I'm to embarresed to have real images and as mentioned it's a cycle, Download and store -> have them and look at them for awhile -> get ashamed of myself -> purge it all -> regret -> repeat. Like stated this has been going for two years and as of now I have ten different images. Apart from weight I also have some other physical insecurites, acne being a big one. I been suffering from acne for years, fifth grade, early sixth grade is when it started so five years of this. It mostly effects my chin and cheeks badly but also effects more of my face, sometimes the acne hurts and it often even bleeds. I hate touching my face and feeling grime and ripping off a bunch of skin and dried shit. I wash every night and try to be frequent with morning witch-hazel but it dosen't relent. I also hate it when it gets mentioned, it is irratating to be reminded and noticed and nobody points it out more then my own mom who also cliams it would go if I just washed. I do, I fucking do! It's not working and you don't understand that! I also have body acne I don't know how to fix, I like sleeping shirtless which I know is the reason, also inconsistent with bedding which isn't right. Even if I did wash sheets weekly it wouldn't be enough, I would still get acne on my body. I just want to sleep shirtless and not get acne, I wish I could find a way. Another insecurite but not really is my height, I don't mind being 5'9/5'10 I mean it's about average height and I beat out my 5'4 father. But I'm sixteen which mean I still have possibilty to get taller and I wonder, will I? If I do, just how tall? Could I reach 6'0+? All of this speculation makes me a bit insecure, also with being fat I look short and round in the mirror which is defeating. I'm secure besides speculation and weight but at the same time I truly want to be taller, I think any man tall or short wishes they were taller, I wish I could break 6'0 that would be cool (to me). But I don't think that will ever happen, my dad is 5'4, my mom is 5'6 I made it 5'9/5'10 and my chart is stagnating, should just stop thinking I'll get taller. Another phsyical insecurite and likely the last one I'll mention unless I think of another worthwhile one is my hair, I'm insecurie of my hairstyle. Or lack of hairstyle, my mom says I have independence in this choice but whenever I make a choice she complains about it. Any agreement is one sided or changed up a little so she likes it. I have always hated my hairstyles over the years, even now and as of now it's ethier her way or a unorgainzied thick mess that will soon be her way. I hate it, wish I could make my own "independent" choice, even if I could my mom would likely hate it and always bring it up which is something I don't want to deal with. My mom is more for short cuts and fades etc, I hate fades and while I do admire short hair have always taken liking to shagger and longer styles, more rugged style. I have also always liked long hair and even wanted it. I used to openly want long hair for a long time but my mom opposed, I tried to convince her but she was opposed. She wasn't only opposed to it she made sure to express that it was gay and feminine etc, etc. She made me close off and forgot the desire but even now she won't let go. She is so sure to tell everyone: famliy, her friends, the hairdresser, hell maybe even strangers, she tells everyone about how much I wanted it and what she thought of it etc. Often I have been embarresed like this while I was right there, I have expressed that this embarreses me and want it to stop mutiple times yet she'll continue almost as if it's purposeful, she will also bring up an old friend T who had long hair as an example of it looking bad. But he didn't take care of it or do anything, most he would do is give into his moms begging and have her brush it. If I had long hair I would actually take care of it and do stuff to it! She also claims I got the idea from him, but no I liked it since elementary being inspired by personal inkling and rock. I no longer want hair but am starting to find styles I really like, but first I need to get my mom to fuck off. And second I would want to grow a beard, which is another issue of mine. I'm sixteen I shouldn't expect a full beard but I have seen peers with actual good facial hair, patchy beards, five o'clocks, some actually have a beard. Then there is me, with some sideburns and a bunch of peachfuzz, I want to be able to grow a beard and the peachfuzz plus sideburns bother me, I want it to actually devlop, I want a beard. I am also worried about devlopment, worried acne will hurt or even stop growth. I'm upset about my lack of growth though I definetly have unrealistic expectations. Lastly with hair is my chest hair, I'm quite hairy and I like it. And I have chest hair but barely and I just wish I had more over a greater coverage, more of a funny insecurite, lol. One more insecurity I forgot about is my voice. I'm loud when talking and my voice isn't as deep as I wish so that sucks.
(copy and paste from older write) I wish I had a father: I don't have a father or any form of father figure, I'm fatherless and it hurts a lot. My father has been out of my life since I was elevenish/twelveish (the peak of covid passed), we kicked him out because he is and was a meth addict in and out of the jail. He was a fuctioning addict so not violent and not as obvious of an addict but the meth still took him over. My mother says she kept him around and gave him so many chances because she wanted him to be in my life as a father. But he was no father when he was around, he didn't parent me, he didn't play his role as a father and guide as a masculine role model, hell he likely didn't even truly care for me. My only memories of him really are going to McDonold's with him, after which he dumpster dived behind the plaza as I begged for us to go back home. Or me wanting to bond with him so he sets up the brilliant idea of dragging me around with his skechy friends, to skechy places, even at skechy times. I don't understand why I knew sooner, guess I was a stupid basterd but I started picking up that my dad was a bad person around fifth grade. By then I quickly found out more and more and tenstion was growing, by eleven we we're going to kick him out but covid struck it's height and our household seemed palpable. But very quickly we said fuck it and threw him to the curb, we weren't going to have it no longer. Soon after around thirteen I was happy that he was gone but slightly disappointed that I no longer had a father (even if he was useless) and I hoped my mom would find someone, not only for herself but for me. By fourteen this really layed in heavy on me and the lack of a father really bummed me out, I got really stupid and desperate using bitlife to create guys then add me and my mom in to create step father famlies even adding step siblings and shit. By late fourteen it was made clear to me by my mom that "we don't need no man" and that she was done with dating. I very well do need a father figure, every child needs one. Hell I as a guy truly need(ed) one, there are so many lessons and things that come from a fatheson relationship that are crucial to a boy and I missed out on them. Hell even when my dad was around I missed out on lessons, I still remember he was tasked to teach me how to tie my shoes but got mad at me struggling and walked away. He refused to help afterward and I refused to try and never to this day learned the proper way to tie, instead I have my own far less efficent method. I missed out on so much by not having a father and it hurts to know that and I just wish I had the knowledge, without a masculine role model I have definetly missed out what it is to be a man and likely am even a loser of a man. I just want a father so badly, I want what a father provides so badly, I want the bond that it comes with. I wish I just had a guy to talk to and bond with, I want a dad just so badly. I wish I had someone who taught me how to change a tire or fish and all that shit, but I'll never have it and it angers me, I am angry to be fatherless, I am angry and lost without a father figure, and I'm jealous. I kind of want to have children when the time comes, I wonder if I'll fail them as well.
Friends: Growing up I was always a bit introverted, I think it was of my nature but was amplafied by life. In elementary I often acquainted myself with people never having any close friends outside my after school program. Jumping to middle school I had a good friend-group but it turned out my good friend T was really an ass and I was pushed out by him in early nineth grade. Later in nineth I met my good friend, my best friend M. This year in tenth I was introduced to a friend named D by M. These are my only two friends and I'm happy with them, though there are a few issues. Not anything major but just a few things, like how we never do anything outside of school. The only thing I really miss about my old friendgroup is that we actually did shit: springs, houses, events, parks, attractions, food. Now me, M and, D don't and have never done anything outside of school and the computer. M likely couldn't do anything because of his famliy and D just seems completely disinterested and worried about money. But I wish we could really do something, sure videogames are fun but it would be fun if we could just goof off somewhere, be stupid. This is really the only general "issue" apart from that no major strain or issue in the friendgroup. But I do have a few personal grievences, starting with D. I think D has a darker side of him, he seems to not respect or care for me and will sometimes show it in nasty ways. He had told both me and M to kill ourselves, he attacks insecurites, he says rude shit, etc. Also with D, we have never truly connected, never gotten to know each other personally. Without M we would be mere acquaintance, M is the only reason why me and D are friends and being alone with each other is mostly silence and maybe him showing me a TikTok. Then M, I have no personal issues with M only small factors of our friendship I'm upset or worried about. Starting off with is school, halfway through this year (tenth) M started a FLVS-hybrid. I am happy for him and it's something we both expressed wanting but now I never really see him. I could see him at lunch but he dosen't really come in and only other time I can see him is leaving campus. I ethier catch him and barely have a conversation worthwhile or he's to far ahead and I got to give up trying to reach him. The only way to talk to my best friend nowadays really is Discord, and that isn't even reliable since his parents are often controlling the WI-FI or taking his stuff away. This means when I do talk to my friend it can suddenly be ended as he disconnects or I can't even. This sucks, it feels like I can't even talk to my best friend that much. But that isn't all, because I'm worried for my friend M. His parents don't sound the best from all he's told me, I won't share his issues but just as an example he didn't have a bedroom for two months. Hearing what we gose through is alreadly dishearting but something that I worry deeply about is him talking sucide. He has talked and half joked about it several times and it's worry, I been trying to discourage but he continues with it so now I'm just trying to ignore it. That is likely the wrong way of handling it but I just don't know what to do. I hope it's always bluff and he moves out and moves on with he can, I don't want him to kill himself.
I'm lonely: I'm sixteen but I'm lonely. I am the only one of my friends who hasn't had a relationship, I am not the most worried about that, I don't want to date just to date, I want to date to love. But hell I still wish I had a relationship, even just a sterotypical high-school one. But what I truly want is true love, I want a woman I love with all my heart and a woman who loves me with all of hers, I want a woman to provide for, to protect, to matter to. I want to marry and possibly have kids. I want to love someone, be there for someone. But will I ever even have that? I'm alreadly a loser who no woman would want and even then from what I've heard, "modren dating is terrible" so what chance do I even have? Will I ever have someone to love? I hope.
School: School makes me so misereble and dead, this place makes me genuinely want to off myself I hate it so much. And it seems to revolve around my whole life, even at home it's all my mom wants to bring up. I just need a break from it all but it seems like it's the only thing in my life, I don't really have anything else. I failed my nineth grade year, I failed since I'm a stupid, worthless peice of shit. But they "passed" me onto tenth, gave me tenth grade classes, test, etc but say I'm still nineth, tell me do nineth grade "remedation" online. Now I'm failing like a worthless peice of shit once again! I wish they held me back to try again but they didn't they just pushed me on, still likely would've failed like a worthless bitch but I could have had a chance. I fucking hate myself I'm so stupid and I hate my school for pushing my stupid ass onward and onward, I should just kill myself at this point. And when I try to reach out to my counselor in any hope for some chance of help the piss poor communcation at this school means it'll take days for a response, I can't even get reliable help over school. Back in middle school I had a GPA in the high 3s, I made honor roll every other quater or so, I had high grades and sucess. But in high-school, in nineth grade I failed with straight Fs and got a GPA of 0.7, now in tenth I have a 1.7 and sometimes get high grades but mostly fail. I just wish I wasn't so stupid, I just wish I was smart and successful at school. But I'm not, I'm a fucking idiot and an embarssment at school. And maybe it would all be okay if it wasn't for the assholes I am surrounded by, my fellow peers of this overcrowded hell hole. Just seems like I can never catch a break with having to deal with people. I just want to be left alone but they're is just always somebody wanting to bother me, harass me. Can sit at a desk then have a bunch of cunts around me, harass me, call me burgundy because of my shirt. Can sit down and be snickered at by the guys in front of me for whatever reason. Sit down and have paper, pencils, even ice hitting me. Sit down and have some imbecible pull up a chair and use my desk as his and block me in my seat because fuck me, am I right? Just want to be left alone but never am, nobody ever dose it's always something. I can't even get respect, not a single bit, just always mistreated. Hell just the other day when I was given my packet I was also mistakenly given the packet of a nearby girl, I get her attention and hand it to her and she just snaches it and mumbles something, because I can't even be respected, I'm worthless. And even when I'm not being directly bothered I got to deal with slow walkers, idiots who don't know how to inconvience everyone else in the halls, the over crowded school. It all fucking sucks I hate it all, everyday I think I'm on the verge of snapping but somehow just have more patience, I don't know how much more of this shit I can or have to endure. At least my mom finally reconsidered my old forgotten pleads for online school and reopened the idea, maybe by some miracle online school will save me and "help me get caught up and ahead" but I doubt it, I'm an idiot who deserves to die. Why am I so fucking stupid, why am I like this? Why must I exist this way?
No hobbies or interest: I used to love a lot of things: reading, history, coming up with things in my head, videogames and, anything really. Now I have grown apathic to it all except videogames and even that dosen't bring much joy. I want to have my old hobbies back but lack the will to return. And I want new hobbies but yet lack will but also lacking knowing what I want to try. I'm lost with my freetime, it's all bleek and I want to fill my life with pastion. I still love videogames, always will but I need more then just gaming, I want more then gaming. I just want something, anything. I don't want to have such a lack of interest, God I fucking hate my life.
I have no future career goals: I'm sixteen and have no idea on what I want to do as an adult, some may say thats okay but it's not, not for me at least. I want to have a goal in the adult world, and even if that goal led to a path I don't like then I can always go down another path. Despite having no idea on what to do I at least know I don't want to be in an office. I could handle an office job, and be content with an office job but an office job isn't me, it isn't what sounds interesting, I would likely do blue collar or be my own boss. Some jobs I've considered and would do still are: police, SWAT police, house flipper, 911 operator, port worker, mechanic or something tinkeassemble like, enterpuner my book, film and games ideas or, open a store or bar or something. These are some jobs I've considered in the past that I would still see myself doing, I have also pondered over military/reserve but not sure. My childhood dream career that I still have a desire for is SWAT but I don't think I have what it takes, in fact I don't think I have what it takes for anything. I think all my life is destined to is dying homeless on a street corner, it's all I'll ever be "worthless".
I had so much planned, now failed: At age fourteen I planned to by now have a license, a job, a banking account, start savings. I planned to lose weight, I planned to have an idea outside of school, I had a plan. But I'm just a worthless peice of shit and a failure to myself, I don't even have a permit, no job, no savings, still fat, have no idea about the future, I failed myself.
Fidgeting: I can't stop but want to, at school I can't help but twiral a pencil around. I do it all the time at school but been trying to stop, I hate doing it. Worst part is I'm being immated by worthless cunts by it which is annoying. I want to stop this.
Masterbation addiction: I have a severe and low life addiction to masterbation. I do it at least once a day and sometimes mutiple times a day. The longest I was ever able to refrain was just a little over a week and only failed because I got bored. I need to jerk it to be able to sleep unless I'm desperately tired but even then. Also since I "need" it to sleep I regulary soil my sweatpants then sleep in it which is nasty. I can't control this vice, this low appetite and I'm deeply unhappy about it. Also unhappy that I might be ruining my endurence, a bit TMI but just another reason why this is harmful. I want to refrain or atleast drasticly cut out this pratice and fix myself.
I likely have more issues eating me inside as I waste away as a shell of a person but I can't really think of them. I am told my mom is looking into thearpy so that might be nice. Please just help me, I'm so lost and broken, I sometimes consider just ending it all but I just hope it can get good.

Quick back story.
I (26m) lost my virginity at 24 due to depression, low self esteem and simply not socializing with enough women. I've only had casual sex twice thus far and can't help but think I'm a failure/loser because of it.
I'm not jealous or resentful of men in relationships, but I am incredibly envious of men who have casual sex often.
Logically, I know that someone else's life shouldn't impact mine in the slightest as we're two different people. I wish I could stop feeling this way as jealousy, envy and being resentful are horrible traits to have.
My jealously has gotten to the point that I recently embarrassed my best friend Infront of a women who he couldn't get hard for (he told some of us friends in confidence), it was very shitty of me and I deeply regretted it.
The jealously consumes my life and it's leading me down a dark path of bitterness for both men, and the women they have sex with.
I don't want to feel this way, I wish I could just forget about it and let everyone live their lives, but the jealously/envy has been with me for the past 8 years, ever since I could legally be in bars.
It also doesn't help that I genuinely don't believe any women will be ever be interested in me, this is proven due to having no female friends, and not knowing how to make any.
I seriously wish I could completely forget about women for a few years, but that's ofcourse not possible.
I've asked myself the question would casual sex make me happy? My answer is yes.
I apologise for the rant, it's just eating me up and I dont know where else to mention it.

As an ugly black man I’m not seen as a person, I’m seen as a joke, a big ogre. a monster. Being ugly is the worst. Worse than death. I am the ugliest man in the world, with undoubtedly the most hated on race so I literally am going through it everyday. No,
I’m not saying all women either because a couple of days ago there was this hot white girl at the donut shop we had a convo and she bought me a free donut. Also my friend “E” is so nice I was thirsty and she let me drink some of her sprite. And she lets me smoke weed with her. Since I don’t got my own rn 😭.
Anyways at work I mind my own business I usually only mess with the dudes at work since I know a woman would feel uncomfortable and just tell HR if I even just stand near her. So I keep my respectable distance and I don’t say a word to them unless they talk to me. But somehow someway. My friends (I’m literally bestfriends with every guy at the jobk) they told me that a girl “doesn’t like me”
What the fuck? What did I do this time? A girl who I’ve never even said a word to doesn’t like me lmao. They tried to say “she’s jealous ppl like you way more than they like her” but I wanna really dissect why she feels the need to talk shit about a person she hasn’t ever crossed paths with? As stupid as that sounds that’s the reality of ugly men, people have a problem with you for just existing. Not the first time this will happen def not the last.
my manager hates me too. My friend fucked her and she admitted to him she gives the ugly guys the hardest jobs and the handsome dudes the easiest ones…. Guess who gets assigned to the hardest job everyday…. Me.
Today They told me to teach a new hire girl how to do something and she looked so scared of me like she wanted to cry. I knew for a fact if I accidentally looked her in the eyes or maybe accidentally get more close than 8 feet I’m probably going to get a complaint and fired. So I asked my woman homie to handle it. Apparently she told me the girl thought I was staring at her boobs even tho I took a glance at her for less than 1 millisecond. I was looking at her dirty ass brown stained shirt but I’m a creep right?
Also one last thing. There’s 2 other girls that I’m friends with who I lowkey have a crush on. They know I have a crush on them and they think it’s so funny to tease me. Telling literally everyone. So embarrassing. Think it’s time for a new job.
I just can’t get over the fact that women online say “all we want is for ugly/ creepy men to stay away from us” and that’s what I’m doing but I’m so ugly and creepy that even if I literally just do my own thing there’s someone hating on me because I’m not attractive. I do want a gf one day but I really want to be left alone and I want to rest, from this endless torment.