Treatment plan for anxiety disorders and depression

Alight, I know many of you are pretty burned out on balance discussions, but hear me out. I haven't seen anyone suggest this idea. I'll try to keep it brief.
A good deal of balancing decisions in HD2 so far have me thinking of tactical shooters: small weak points, unforgiving hits from enemies, constant nerfing of weapons (often described as being linked to exploits). And the treatment of primary weapons makes it feel like the devs have a very narrow idea of what each should do.
But HD2 isn't Counter Strike, or Valorant, or Splitgate for that matter. It's not all about finding that perfect angle around the corner to headshot somebody. It's not about careful and precise planning.
It's a lot more like Doom. Constant motion, a variety of enemies with exploitable weaknesses, a large arsenal of weapons, training instincts to survive a hectic and fast-paced battlefield.
So, devs, if you end up reading this, take a page out of Doom's book while you discuss the future of balancing this game.
Doom focuses on every weapon feeling powerful and useful. There are no replacements, every weapon is a unique and viable part of your arsenal. And they all do their jobs well, without being so strictly tuned to one job that they become restrictive. That last part is especially important.
To some degree, it feels like that's what you've been wanting to do. But, in practice, it hasn't been panning out. I feel like that's where the CS balancing mentality is getting in the way. Embrace when players surprise you with how they use weapons, focus more on each weapon feeling powerful in its role and still having a slight overlap with others. The wellroundedness will benefit the player base a ton.
Sure, Doom has a weapon mod system that isn't in HD2, but even without it you can use the first shotgun in the last level and it's actually helpful. So my argument stands.

My husband and I have been together for almost twenty years. We have been married for 11 years. We have 3 young daughters. I wouldn't have called our life together perfect, but we were solid, from my perspective. We never had a dead bedroom. We didn't get to go on dates as often as we liked, but we always had a great time together.
Background info: our kids have health issues. I have a sleep disorder that causes my brain to skip normal REM cycles. I am constantly exhausted. I often feel asleep with our children at night, which was upsetting to my husband. He didn't understand how by their bedtime I truly could not read to them without falling asleep in their beds. (I am on a new medication and for the first time, I am able to function somewhat normally, so this is less of an issue now.) My husband has a very unusual work schedule, so he is often awake into the night alone.
In late December 2023, my husband had a major depressive episode. He experienced disassociation, etc. It was incredibly troubling. I did my best to be a supportive partner. I helped him to rest and carried as much of the load of our family and home life as possible. I encouraged him to start therapy, which he did in January.
Mid-January, I went out with my sister for a short while. I was nervous leaving my husband and the kids. I thought he might have a lot of anxiety and depression. He told me I needed to go so that he could try to live normally. His therapist urged him to do so.
During our night away, I received an email from my husband telling me he no longer wanted to be married. He told me he loved me. He said I was the perfect woman for him, and the best mom he could ever imagine to our kids. Basically, it's not you, it's me.
When I got home, I was a wreck. I cried. He apologized. He said he didn't mean what he said, but that he just didn't know what was wrong with him. He said he just needed to go to therapy and sort himself out. He acted really cold and distant.
I asked him if there were things about our marriage that he felt were lacking. He told me he often felt alone. I asked him if he would be willing to work on this. He agreed, but he refused to commit himself fully to repairing our marriage. We began spending more time together. As always, it was good when we were together. We laughed. We had fun. Sex was good. But he felt strangely disconnected. Honestly, it was so embarrassing to be trying so hard to make my own husband love me back.
The truth trickled out bit by bit. Once a week he would meet up with his best friend. They would work out and then have a beer and catch up somewhere. After some time, my husband started becoming attracted to the bartender at the place they were going. And it was mutual. He even went alone more than once to sit at the bar while she worked.
He reached a point where he convinced himself that I didn't love him, and that our marriage was hopeless. He began daydreaming about some future life with this bartender. These daydreams were not sexual in nature. They were about going on getaways, dates, and snuggling on the couch watching shows together. (Honestly, this was so much more hurtful than if he'd have been daydreaming about sex.)
He had been telling his therapist about all of this, but I had no idea. While I was pouring my everything into trying to fix our marriage, he was still going to the bar to sit and hang out in her presence.
Finally, it reached a boiling point when the bartender realized that he was married. I'm not sure how she missed his wedding ring. He swears he wore it, but who knows if that is the truth. Apparently, she heard him taking about me and our kids with our mutual friend. She was indignant about him never having told her he was married. He realized he had crossed a line if she was so bothered that he was married.
He swears up and down that their interactions never left that bar. There was no physical touch. There was no texting. He never asked her out.
But he carried on a daydream relationship with another woman. He told me he didn't want to be married. When things were at their worst, he told me he was going to stay somewhere else to figure things out. That day I know he searched for her online.
I had to tell our kids that their daddy was moving out for a while. It was awful. He risked everything. He came so close to destroying our family to take a chance with a woman he hardly knew. I no longer feel the security I used to feel.
He talked to his therapist, and she suggested that these daydreams might be his mind's way of escaping reality. She said that he has always wanted to do these things with me, but that he had convinced himself that it was impossible, so maybe he had replaced me with a substitute in his mind. She suggested he ponder that.
When he did, he said it made perfect sense. He said that he met this girl in the middle of a horrible mental crisis and the depths of depression and loneliness. He said she gave him some attention and he liked it. He said he couldn't understand why he couldn't stop thinking about her and the guilt had been eating him alive. He said that she is not even the type of person he would ever consider being in a relationship with. He knew the whole time it didn't make sense, but he felt out of his mind.
He swears that since he had the epiphany that what he really wanted was to have that fulfilling relationship with me, his head has been on straight. He says that he is as sure that he loves me and always will as he is that he needs to breathe air.
We are trying to reconcile. Things have come a long way. He is extremely remorseful. He is willing to do anything to help rebuild trust. He says this is the worst thing he has ever done in his life, and that it will always be his biggest regret, hurting me so badly. He is trying so hard to demonstrate his love in meaningful ways.
But I'm still hurt. I'm still lost. And there is a part of me that doesn't understand why. In marital counseling, my husband often points out that he didn't actually cheat. But I feel like this was some sort of infidelity. I guess I don't know. I look up infidelity resources, and the advice feels like it applies in many cases.
(He doesn't make that clarification to dodge responsibility, but he says that he says he feels it is an important distinction. He says that he made these awful choices because of his mental state, and that he fully owns them, but that he did stop himself from taking things further than they went because he is knew deep down that this things were not who he really was or what he really wanted.)
If this doesn't apply, I really apologize for posting in this sub. If it does, please help me figure out how to move forward? It has been months, and I cry every day. I am deeply depressed. My heart is just so badly broken. I wish this never happened. I wish he had just come to me and told me about his needs. I would have done anything in my power to bring him peace, happiness, and make him feel loved and content. I want to feel safe with him again. I want to trust that he will always love me, and that in his heart of hearts, he loved me even then, but there is this awful feeling in my heart that just won't go away.

I (M18) have been with my girlfriend (F15) for over 6 months now. I understand it's a pretty decent age gap, but we both have full intentions of living our whole lives together. But her parents have continually made our relationship super difficult.
For context, her biological parents are both divorced, and they both remarried. She mainly lives with her mom and stepdad. She occasionally goes to her biological dad's house for a few days, but nothing more. Now, him and his new wife are very nice, and I love being around them. The problem is, her mom and stepdad hardly want me around, and they make both her, and my life hell.
My girlfriend's mom is very emotionally abusive. I won't go too much into detail, nor do I even know all the details, but she continually downgrades and gaslights her own daughter. She basically doesn't let her have her own opinion. My girlfriend has suffered horribly under this. She has severe anxiety, along with ADHD. She constantly feels like a burden to everyone else, especially me for having to deal with all of this. She sometimes wishes she was never born. I have my own share of problems, such as depression, anxiety, and PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified; on the autism spectrum), and we both suffer in different ways. We are both in therapy, but she isn't even safe there. Her mom occasionally goes into her appointments and starts talking to the therapist about "her side of the story" even though she knows she is in the wrong and refuses to admit it. Both my girlfriend and I are tired of her manipulation, but it gets worse.
Her mom is also super religious. I'm not religious whatsoever (and if she ever found out she definitely wouldn't let me date her daughter), but I normally have no problem with people practicing their own beliefs. But when your church acts quite literally like a cult, that's when I draw the line. She goes to church at least 2-3 times a week and constantly believes that children should always obey their parents like Gods or something. This adds even more stress to my girlfriend, who doesn't even want to go to church but is forced to by her mom. She constantly believes she is never good enough and only lives to please other people. It has seriously taken a toll on her health.
Along with all of that, her mom and her dad and stepmom are always fighting about how to raise her. Her dad keeps trying to tell her that she is treating her own daughter like shit, and she should treat her with some respect, but she never listens. Im 100% convinced that her mom is a complete narcissist. And worst of all, my girlfriend is constantly in the middle of all the fighting, and always takes the blame for the fighting. This makes her feel even worse, and she is nearing the brink of completely breaking down, and it scares the hell out of me.
Basically what I'm asking is what both her and I need to do. She could theoretically move away from her mom and permanently live with her dad, but she is too scared to do that. We all have tried talking to her mom, but she never listens. Any advice is better than no advice, and I would really appreciate any help.

The other day, my mom brought this up. I thought, “I definitely have. I would never really KILL somebody, but how could somebody not think how murdering somebody would feel?”
is it a weird thought? is that like alarming or something? My momma has anxiety, bipolar disorder, and depression. I have depression from what I know.
Gonna get evaluated for adhd, anxiety, and whatever else my mom thinks i could have (probably a personality disorder cause she thinks i have issues like that)
Im listing my diagnoses because im wondering if anybody who has what i could and do have, think about what murder feels like.

I come off the pill 8 months ago and i've dealing with terrible side effects. Anxiety, weight gain, hormonal acne for the very first time in my life, joint pain, depression, lack of motivation, low libido, fatigue, hair loss the first month, migraine some days during the month.... I have them all!!! I bought the book Beyond The Pill from Dr Jolene Brighten. I want to do her protocol.... Did someone did it already? Is it hard to follow in terms of food and cooking? Did you see results? My book will arrive in 1 month and i'm kind of desperate... I would like to read some reviews from you. Thank you! :)

Hi,
This is my first time really discussing getting mental health help/talking about what is happening in my life.
I am a young man going into my junior year of college in the fall. On paper, I feel like I shouldn't have any reason to have trouble with my mental health. I was raised in a good family, although my parents divorced when I was young, I am in a fraternity, I have friends, I have a long term girlfriend, and I don't ever really have to worry about money or anything else.
I have noticed a downturn in my mental health for the past couple of years. In the past I dealt with feeling bad (attributed to my first heartbreak) but never got professional help before. Recently I have been feeling an aching sadness in my chest and stomach that seems to appear out of nowhere. I try to be emotionally intelligent and never hold back my emotions with my friends and family, so I feel like my sadnesses never really have the opportunity to build up and burst. Though in recent times I will get hit with waves of sadness out of nowhere. I feel worthless, I feel like I'm nothing, I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. I know that I shouldn't feel these things and that I AM worth something. I feel like I love myself and I shouldn't change anything about me.
Despite my efforts at trying to keep a positive mindset it always feels like I come back to the same feelings of low self-esteem and self-pity. I cannot keep myself from tearing up in the car and I don't understand what is wrong with my own mind. 95% of the time I feel perfect and on top of the world, I'm blessed to live a fortunate life full of love and good relationships. 5% of the time it feels like the world is crashing down on me and I can't do anything. The feelings aren't extremely severe, but I always have motions of feeling like a nobody and I should hate myself. I hate that I'm a people pleaser, I hate that I can't confront people when I should, I just spiral into a series of negative thoughts and recently this has started to affect other aspects of my life.
Today I started feeling a wave of sadness again and I couldn't even kick it when I went out to dinner with my mom and brother. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. When I feel okay again it seems laughable that I even had those issues. I insist that everything is okay in my life and that everyone goes through ups and downs. I don't know what to do anymore. The sadness hits in waves and seems to be random when it comes in periods. I will go months being okay and then spiral down into bad mental health. I feel like my condition isn't serious enough to warrant a diagnosis of anxiety or depression or anything, but I just feel like shit sometimes.
My brain tries to rationalize it by saying that everyone gets sad, but when I get down and have those feelings of low self-worth I cannot seem to get rid of the nagging voice in my head saying I need help. I haven't talked to my parents about this and I have never been to therapy before. I have talked to my girlfriend a little about it but I don't want to burden her. I am completely lost. I want to emphasize again that 95% of the time when I feel no sadness it literally is laughable that I was ever sad in the first place. I don't understand what is happening. Where do I go from here? I am so scared to talk to my parents about going to therapy. I don't even know how to bring it up. I have been very stoic all of my life and am trying to show my emotions more, but my parents have no idea I've been going through this for the past few years.
Over the past two years, I would say I have had probably had 3 1-2 week spirals of "going through the motions." Is this normal? I am lost. When I get down all I know is I feel bad, sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like I don't even deserve to exist, although I know that's not true. Would anybody be able to point me in the direction of what I should do, should I keep going on without getting professional help? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Even now I feel silly for making this post. I don't know why my problems seem so little when I start feeling better. I literally feel like I don't need help at all and I'm just a regular person going through regular emotions once I feel better. Sorry for the ranting/ramble. I appreciate you all for reading if you make it this far. Thank you sincerely
Edit: I guess I want to emphasize again that I've had an approach of talking myself through all of my problems my whole life. I always end up doing okay. When I'm okay I feel like my problems are literally nothing and laughable, they're like what every person goes through in life.

I’m 17 (f), 18 in June. My dad got a new job that’s a 16 hour drive from where I currently live (the US). But I really don’t want to leave, I know most people wouldn’t but I want to at least spend the summer with my friends, but my family is leaving June 13.
My mother is extremely emotionally abusive and has been my entire life. To sum it up, she has influenced panic attacks on me on multiple occasions, only to belittle me and scold me for it (new flash that makes it worse). I also have major depressive disorder, and my therapist has advised me to stay with a friend over the summer bc it would really help my mental health to get away from her. My dad is even on board with it, but my mom is keeping her title as helicopter parent and is not allowing me to stay even for a week.
My girlfriend (17F) has offered to let me stay with her and her family over summer, and I practically live with them anyway.
Should be allowed to stay? And if so, how can I take advantage of being 18 to let me stay? Ive been recommended emancipation by a few people and trusted adults, but I don’t think that’s the right move. I resent my mother for traumatizing me but I don’t want to appear in front of her in court. In a perfect world they would divorce, but that’s not the case.
I have a great support system and the best friends I could ask for. I even scored a payed internship with the head of the mycology department at my local state university, which my mother did not care about and will not let me stay the summer for it. I’m at a loss of what to do and I really need help soon on how to convince her. I had her meet my girlfriend’s parents and spend time with them. I have stayed out of trouble and kept my grades up. I have been helping her pack the house.
I just wanna to spend some time with my friends before i leave. They are the only thing in my life keeping me going, i love them so much. And my girlfriend is perfect and I can’t leave her. We were gonna go to the same state school for college and we had everything planned before the move was abruptly placed on us in Feb. I don’t have the time to spend with my friends because it’s my junior year and i have been working so hard nonstop.
My friends parents said they would do whatever they can to help, and also support me wanting to stay the summer. It hurts to see all these parents agree with me when my own mother wont listen to me. Please I’ll take any advice.

I’m an alcoholic. I’m 19 F, I’ve cut down my drinking a bit but I’m still drinking about a 750 ml 15% bottle of whine a day. I’ve got diagnosed severe general anxiety disorder and other disorders(social anxiety disorder, panic disorder And add). I used to hallucinate as a kid. I’m saying all of this because I know alcohol makes me sleep deprived, I do not have narcolepsy, but my brain does shut down during the day. I had a math tutor last semester and it really made me see it was an issue. My brain just shuts off. I do not think it’s epilepsy, I think I need sleep but maybe the lack of sleep causes me epileptic shocks? I was with my tutor, zone out, saw the things we were working on and said “those signs are so interesting” until I got back into myself. I know see multicoloured lights on my sheets sometimes when I fight it, and used to see cartoons on my papers. I’m on Zoloft, Alesse(a contraceptive pill because I most certainly have PMDD, I used to almost off myself each pms which were unpredictable until I got the pill) and occasionally Ativan (panic disorder) since 14. I’m on adderal too since 16 and now got thiamine for my alcoholism. I do not understand whether it’s the lack of sleep or if I got something worse going on. I’m also gaining lots of weight because I got put on Seroquel but I don’t think Seroquel caused it, I think it helped. But I do fall asleep sometimes unannounced and I know it’s not narcolepsy because it never happens when I’m standing up. Should I be worried?

I'm 17 and I've been thinking about this for a long time (a combination of family tradition + free college). I had my first appointment with a recruiter today, and even got halfway through a job list before I got tripped up thinking about ways this could go wrong.
I tend to get over-excited about things and get ahead of myself, so any advice/info would be super helpful.
Basically, I'm transgender (no gender dysphoria diagnosis or anything, but my name is legally changed), and that could definitely be a set back (especially depending on who wins the next election). I'm not even sure if I would come out while in the military just to be safe, but it is something I'm concerned about. I have no idea what the culture would be like (I'm fine being held to the standards for my bio sex and stuff but I'm not too sure about pronouns lol).
Probably the more pressing issue, I'm on a pretty large dose of an SSRI (citalopram) and would have to be off of it for a year before signing up, which I'm not sure is a good idea or not because I've been on it for years. The situation that brought the depression/anxiety is mostly aleviated but I'm still pretty concerned about waning off of it. So info from anyone who's come off meds like that before would be much appreciated.
That's probably a lot of info and rambling, but I'm at such a crossroad right now and feeling anxious about it lol.

I was told na wag daw magpalipat lipat ng work kasi parang wala daw akong pinag sstayan or wala akong legacy or somewhat like that. I got hired just recently with my second comp since I graduated. I stayed sa current employer ko for more than 2 years but I decided to explore other opportunities outside the company coz I don't feel any sense of achievement na sa ginagawa ko. I am constantly anxious with working with my immediate head. And I don't feel appreciated. Feel ko mas naaappreciate pa ako ng other team lead (I gave subtle hints in hope na matransfer ng team but I was told that it will not happen kasi ako ang senior sa team). I also got bored by repetitive task coz I felt like a machine. I feel more exhausted day by day to the point na nag relapse yung depression and anxiety ko. Nasa point na ako na parang mas may iba pa akong gustong gawin sa sarili ko kesa pumasok sa work
Me and my BF was being pushed to have kids and buy house and lot coz I am in my child baring age na. I was actually planning to get a housing loan already but then I had an opportunity na iwan na yung current company ko, have a proper training na related sa degree ko and tumaas ng konti ang sweldo, so I grabbed that instead. But when I broke the news, that's what they told me.. so.. is it really a bad decision

hi, I’m your typical 18 year old who’s trying to move out of my toxic household. why? because my mother is absolutely driving me insane. everytime I try to please her, it’s never enough. it’s always “I sacrificed my life for you guys!!” my whole life she’s been saying this trying to actively gulit trip and gaslight me and I just had enough. I have severe anxiety and it’s mentally exhausting dealing with my mom like this. I keep wondering what’d it be like if I move but then after that, I have these nightmares of me and her fighting and her trying to hurt me and so I feel so conflicted. My partner knows this, and he agrees it seems very toxic. I had a set plan: finish my associates, start working full time. once I start saving up enough, we start looking for places, once we secured a place, I’ll discuss with my mom that I want to move. Whether or not, she takes it well, I still planned on moving out. Then after I settled in, I planned on doing my bachelor’s and then after that I would work full time and be free. But my mom has other plans to try and clash with my already set plan I have made for myself. She wants me to move with her back to her home country and find work there. As she was talking about it, I got all anxious and upset. I obviously couldn’t say anything but how do I tell her I don’t want to? What if she’s trying to force me against my own will? And that’s what’s driving me insane. I’m so anxious it’s making me want to sneak out in the middle of the night and run away from home. What do I do? I even am trying to apply for summer jobs to get a start but I’m not getting much luck….

White German Shepherd 6YR Male
Hello, I woke up to my German Shepherd having what looks like pink pigment invading the bottom halves of both his corneas. He recently has had some very large and firm swelling in his face and throat but has responded well to meds. His tonsils were the size of golf balls. I’ve attached those notes from the vet below. This just happened about a week prior to this eye issue.
Eye image: https://imgur.com/a/tCc1Xdx
Vet Notes: Discussed with owner that while it may be an ongoing allergic reaction, would strongly advise sedated oral exam to ensure no evidence of stinger and/or foreign material within the oral cavity. Discussed sedation would allow us the best visualization and treatment will be based on what we find. Dexmedetomidine (0.5 mg/mL) 6 mcg/kg IM Butorphanol (10 mg/mL) 0.3 mg/kg IM Sedated oral exam shows severely edematous tonsils bilaterally obscuring a large portion of the laryngeal region. No obvious foreign material or stingers. Swelling is extremely firm over right ventral portion of throat latch region - small area shaved and ultrasound utilized to visualize any fluid pockets. Small area of suspected fluid - attempted collection with ultrasound guided aspiration. No material removed. Suspect majority cellulitis. Ear canal visualized -TM intact, no obvious foreign material Atipamezole 0.36 mL IM - recovery uneventful Discussed with owner given the presentation of the swelling, strong concern for abscess/cellulitis moreso than allergic reaction. Discussed as well the possibility of penetrating foreign material (foxtail, stick shards, etc) that could migrate and cause abscessation. Plan to begin antibiotics and continue NSAID. However prefaced patient may very likely need CT and surgical exploration if not improving. Plan to follow up with primary care veterinarian in 48-72 hours. Sooner if having any difficulty breathing. Enrofloxacin and Carprofen tgh

I’m 17 (f), 18 in June. My dad got a new job that’s a 16 hour drive from where I currently live (the US). But I really don’t want to leave, I know most people wouldn’t but I want to at least spend the summer with my friends, but my family is leaving June 13.
My mother is extremely emotionally abusive and has been my entire life. To sum it up, she has influenced panic attacks on me on multiple occasions, only to belittle me and scold me for it (new flash that makes it worse). I also have major depressive disorder, and my therapist has advised me to stay with a friend over the summer bc it would really help my mental health to get away from her. My dad is even on board with it, but my mom is keeping her title as helicopter parent and is not allowing me to stay even for a week.
My girlfriend (17F) has offered to let me stay with her and her family over summer, and I practically live with them anyway.
Should be allowed to stay? And if so, how can I take advantage of being 18 to let me stay? Ive been recommended emancipation by a few people and trusted adults, but I don’t think that’s the right move. I resent my mother for traumatizing me but I don’t want to appear in front of her in court. In a perfect world they would divorce, but that’s not the case.
I have a great support system and the best friends I could ask for. I even scored a payed internship with the head of the mycology department at my local state university, which my mother did not care about and will not let me stay the summer for it. I’m at a loss of what to do and I really need help soon on how to convince her. I had her meet my girlfriend’s parents and spend time with them. I have stayed out of trouble and kept my grades up. I have been helping her pack the house.
I just wanna to spend some time with my friends before i leave. They are the only thing in my life keeping me going, i love them so much. And my girlfriend is perfect and I can’t leave her. We were gonna go to the same state school for college and we had everything planned before the move was abruptly placed on us in Feb. I don’t have the time to spend with my friends because it’s my junior year and i have been working so hard nonstop.
My friends parents said they would do whatever they can to help, and also support me wanting to stay the summer. It hurts to see all these parents agree with me when my own mother wont listen to me. Please I’ll take any advice.

My partner has recently come out as mtf while I fully support their decision and have been supportive in many ways (shaving, doing makeup, face masks, bubble baths, hair, perfume and painting their nails for them) I just want to make sure I’m doing everything correctly. I don’t know if I’ve missed something and would like some advice on what more I can do. We are currently on vacation with their mom and aunt and I’m the only one other than my partner that knows. They have recently come out within the past week and I have done all of this thus far just out of support and love but I’m just slightly anxious for our relationship that everything will continue to go well once we return home. I overthink and I have my own mental health issues I’ve been figuring out such as anxiety, depression, and I’ve been diagnosed with adhd. Thank you in advance for any responses🩷

I’m 17 (f), 18 in June. My dad got a new job that’s a 16 hour drive from where I currently live (the US). But I really don’t want to leave, I know most people wouldn’t but I want to at least spend the summer with my friends, but my family is leaving June 13.
My mother is extremely emotionally abusive and has been my entire life. To sum it up, she has influenced panic attacks on me on multiple occasions, only to belittle me and scold me for it (new flash that makes it worse). I also have major depressive disorder, and my therapist has advised me to stay with a friend over the summer bc it would really help my mental health to get away from her. My dad is even on board with it, but my mom is keeping her title as helicopter parent and is not allowing me to stay even for a week.
My girlfriend (17F) has offered to let me stay with her and her family over summer, and I practically live with them anyway.
Should be allowed to stay? And if so, how can I take advantage of being 18 to let me stay? Ive been recommended emancipation by a few people and trusted adults, but I don’t think that’s the right move. I resent my mother for traumatizing me but I don’t want to appear in front of her in court. In a perfect world they would divorce, but that’s not the case.
I have a great support system and the best friends I could ask for. I even scored a payed internship with the head of the mycology department at my local state university, which my mother did not care about and will not let me stay the summer for it. I’m at a loss of what to do and I really need help soon on how to convince her. I had her meet my girlfriend’s parents and spend time with them. I have stayed out of trouble and kept my grades up. I have been helping her pack the house.
I just wanna to spend some time with my friends before i leave. They are the only thing in my life keeping me going, i love them so much. And my girlfriend is perfect and I can’t leave her. We were gonna go to the same state school for college and we had everything planned before the move was abruptly placed on us in Feb. I don’t have the time to spend with my friends because it’s my junior year and i have been working so hard nonstop.
My friends parents said they would do whatever they can to help, and also support me wanting to stay the summer. It hurts to see all these parents agree with me when my own mother wont listen to me. Please I’ll take any advice.

I’m 17 (f), 18 in June. My dad got a new job that’s a 16 hour drive from where I currently live (the US). But I really don’t want to leave, I know most people wouldn’t but I want to at least spend the summer with my friends, but my family is leaving June 13.
My mother is extremely emotionally abusive and has been my entire life. To sum it up, she has influenced panic attacks on me on multiple occasions, only to belittle me and scold me for it (new flash that makes it worse). I also have major depressive disorder, and my therapist has advised me to stay with a friend over the summer bc it would really help my mental health to get away from her. My dad is even on board with it, but my mom is keeping her title as helicopter parent and is not allowing me to stay even for a week.
My girlfriend (17F) has offered to let me stay with her and her family over summer, and I practically live with them anyway.
Should be allowed to stay? And if so, how can I take advantage of being 18 to let me stay? Ive been recommended emancipation by a few people and trusted adults, but I don’t think that’s the right move. I resent my mother for traumatizing me but I don’t want to appear in front of her in court. In a perfect world they would divorce, but that’s not the case.
I have a great support system and the best friends I could ask for. I even scored a payed internship with the head of the mycology department at my local state university, which my mother did not care about and will not let me stay the summer for it. I’m at a loss of what to do and I really need help soon on how to convince her. I had her meet my girlfriend’s parents and spend time with them. I have stayed out of trouble and kept my grades up. I have been helping her pack the house.
I just wanna to spend some time with my friends before i leave. They are the only thing in my life keeping me going, i love them so much. And my girlfriend is perfect and I can’t leave her. We were gonna go to the same state school for college and we had everything planned before the move was abruptly placed on us in Feb. I don’t have the time to spend with my friends because it’s my junior year and i have been working so hard nonstop.
My friends parents said they would do whatever they can to help, and also support me wanting to stay the summer. It hurts to see all these parents agree with me when my own mother wont listen to me. Please I’ll take any advice.

PGY-1 on an IM rotation at an OSH. As it's Psych adjacent I got a somewhat challenging case dumped in my lap and I'm struggling to handle it without any of my Psych seniors or attendings to turn to. Part of the struggle is that I have a number of complicated patients and don't have the time to actually dive into the patient psych history and gather collateral. Additionally I seem to be caught in the middle of a finger pointing turf war between Psych and Neuro -- and neither service seems particularly sharp or have bothered to do a proper investigation.
Briefly ~70 yo who received anesthesia ~ 4 months ago and within a day or two began undergoing pretty drastic, progressive changes -- with 48 hours expressing SI, and significantly increased anxiety and progressive difficulty with memory. Patient was treated at an inpatient facility that no-one has bothered to get records for and started on unknown medications. Continued worsening until ~ 1 week ago when he was admitted to a sister hosptial's inpatient ward. Notes from that admission are unrevealing as the patient was deemed unable to have a meaningful interview due to neurocognitive decline. I haven't had the time to piece together the exact medications but it appears they were trialed on mirtazapine with quetiapine PRNs for agitation with Trazodone for sleep before coming to us on 10mg Escitalopram and 5mg Buspar. About 5 days ago patient had orthostatic hypotension and was transferred to my hospital and I came on service 3 days ago. Iniitally no psychotropic changes other than haloperidol 5mg PRN for agitation.
Workup here has consisted of LP and MRI w/wo contrast which have so far been unrevealing. Psychiatry has claimed this is primarily neurologic (rapidly progressive dementia) Neurology believed this to be primary psychiatric (severe anxiety, or possibly prion) until 3 days ago when they decided the patient has serotonin syndrome on the basis of tremor and hyperreflexia (+3 in patellar and achilles, +2 elsewhere). Neurology also noticed for the first time clonus at ankle. I had low suspicion but recognized that I have limited experience, that Serotonin syndrome can have a varied presentation, and that neurology would not engage in further attempts to find differentials without running down this lead reluctantly followed their recommendations. Buspar has been stopped for two days and Escitalopram is now down to 5mg and will be stopped by week end. Against my better judgement given age, patient is now on 2mg Diazepam PO BID with 2mg IM PRN for agitation (which has not been needed). There has been no improvement in neurological or psychiatric symptoms.
Today, Neurology forced me to call poison control for further treatment recommendations (who also expressed skepticism and did not recommend any changes), and further diagnosed patient with catatonia. Which...may actually be the case as Neurology reported posturing and rigidity (I had not observed either), but leaves me unsure how to proceed. I am surprised that the diazepam has at best had no improvement, and at worst may have precipitated this, but I also know that significant amounts of benzos can be required for treatment so lack of improvement doesn't necessarily signify anything.
I plan to do a Bush Francis tomorrow to see for myself, but it will be my first time performing one. My understanding is that as long as any two of the criteria are scored that a catatonia diagnosis can be made and further evaluation is for severity. Is that a correct understanding? Beyond that, I have read that in geriatric populations as little as .5mg Ativan can be used for a challenge (I am unsure if I would even be allowed to perform at this hospital) and that Zolpidem may have some efficacy as a challenge drug as well. How do you all go about diagnosing catatonia in the, especially hospitalized, geriatric population?

i’ve struggled with my sleep since i was a child i’ve heard all the stories from my parents about how awful i was as a child because i wouldn’t sleep and in my teenage years i spent my nights awake but would atleast be able to sleep during the day or the day after but now i’m going days without sleeping, regularly experiencing hallucinations and passing out , i’m loosing days of my memory , and it’s getting dangerous , the other day i was sat on the end of my bed and could smell that my candle had went out but got confused because i had no memory of lighting the candle and as i grabbed my phone i noticed a day had gone by and i had no idea . every time i’ve spoken to a doctor they don’t want to take me seriously i’ve been given multiple different antidepressants to try help my depression thinking that may be the reason and they never work , ive been given anti anxiety medication to try help that never works , i tried high strength melatonin and all that did was when i finally slept made my nightmares worst , i was even given diazepam and that didn’t do anything and the doctors have just given up and throw a course of zoplicone at me every other month when it gets seriously bad and not even those help . it’s really too much now and i don’t know how much more i can take of this . i’m sorry for rambling i was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and has any advice < 3 (i’ve also tried non medical things such as good sleep hygiene eg no screens eating n going to bed at a certain time and exercise and routine but none of that works , for a little bit awhile ago audio books and a weighted sleeping mask helped but that’s stopped working now )

Someone asked about reasons for my ED and it got me thinking. This post is way too long for a comment so I’ve made it a post. It is probably very triggering as it’s about my eating disorder also mentions sexual assault, self harm and suicide.
I was a gymnast 16-20 hours a week, I could eat what I wanted and stay thin. I think it started around 14. A group of girls I use to hang around with at lunch time didn’t eat lunch, it never occurred to me I could do that. Soon turned into one meal or no food, plus 3-4 hours of intense exercise. I liked the way it felt. To have my uniform hang off me, the lightness. I felt small and hidden. I was very shy, hardly ever spoke and just wanted to fit in, luckily I was never bullied (not by my peers at least, the emotional abuse at home was horrendous). The thinner I got, people started gravitating towards me and I didn’t even realise, I never had many friends before that. But I was also still anxious, I didn’t feel good enough at gymnastics. I was scared of failure, especially at school. I wanted to be perfect. I think hitting puberty was also a reason, I hated having breasts and hips they made my leotard feel too revealing. I found my period inconvenient, I wanted it to stop. I remember changing for PE and wanting to hide my body. But I look back at photos and I was skeletal. I think I also liked the attention which I didn’t get at home, it was more just looks from teachers, they never said anything but they were kind to me. But in my head I thought maybe if I get really skinny, they’ll like me, talk to me. I loved Matilda as a child and wanted a mom like miss honey, to show affection and love me lol. Ahh that’s sad. I didn’t feel loved by my parents.
Things broke down at home even more, it had been a messy divorce and constant custody issues with my parents since I was 4, my dad was going through his second divorce now and blamed his kids, me. One night he was drunk/high and he became violent. I think that broke a part of me.
I was one of the older girls at gymnastics by now (15-16) I felt huge compared to most of the younger girls and my focus was on the older ones, who were very thin and delicate. I never felt delicate, just massive. Looking back there were girls bigger than me, strong beautiful women. I also didn’t have the energy and said I wanted to focus on school, which I guess had some truth, so I quit. By now I was being asked what I wanted to do for a career. I had no idea. I never thought about the future but a science teacher suggested medicine. I enjoyed science the most so went with it. Grades were very celebrated in my family and being praised felt good, I didn’t want to let anyone down.
Quitting gymnastics meant I could no longer eat as much, I wasn’t exercising as much, right? So I would go days without eating but I would still exercise, go for long runs at night. I started abusing laxatives at this time because I had started binge eating. Then I started college, I was drunk and carried off by a man and SA’d. I had been assaulted before as a child but that didn’t seem to affect me at the time. I didn’t even realise until I was older. I told a councillor and she said you got drunk and regretted it. It was my fault, I thought, I was drunk. But I told him to stop. He physically carried me to secluded place. I remember reaching to grab someone’s hand and they giggled. I started self harming, it became an addiction. I would cry all the time, argue with my mom. I remember being hit over and over by her and dissociating for the first time, it was so scary (and crazy to think about, we would argue about absolutely nothing, she was so horrible when I was a child and I have no idea why). I got kicked out a few times. I was spiralling, past abuse came to the surface and nothing made sense, I think this was the first time I wanted to die at 16. I drank and slit my wrists. But it wasn’t deep enough. I can’t remember what happened after, my mom never found out. My goal was to get to university so I could move out. I would go through periods of recovery, eating normal, especially over breaks from school when I was home all the time with my sister and mum. But at school, I still skipped breakfast and lunch, I spent all my free time in the library hiding from groups of people. People that would be eating. I was withdrawn.
I made it to university, I didn’t get into medicine. I had the grades but got no offers at first. Then I received an interview shortly after results were published (usually interviews are offered before finals and based on the condition you get the grades needed). This was my one shot. Unfortunately, I had a panic attack in the interview and left. I went with my second choice instead, no interview was required. I felt like a failure. I had failed. Living alone (away from parents) meant my ED was in full force now. I could avoid eating all together, I could binge and purge whenever and self harm. I remember my flatmate asking me one drunken night about an entire tub of ice cream that had gone and I told her. Her response was you’re not that skinny so it’s okay. I was shook, lol. I had terrible anxiety, which just got worse. I struggled to make friends. Lectures made me panic, too many people. I saw a doctor for depression/anxiety but avoided telling them about my ED, I didn’t want them to make me stop. I tried medication but it just got worse, I said my goodbyes but was then taken to the hospital. I was referred to a psychiatrist who told me I had BPD. I started stronger medication, antipsychotics and they really messed me up. I got worse, withdrew from all friendships (they always wanted to go out and eat or drink, but that was too many calories). I threw myself into studying and passed all my exams. I was never overweight or underweight during this time (compared to my gymnast days) but my eating was very disordered.
Back home, again. Struggling to get a job because interviews made me panic, how am I meant to say you should pick me, when I feel like shit? I would overdose a couple more times (I don’t know how I’m here), got treated in the hospital, all without nobody knowing. I would overdose and then go to work like nothing happened. I still felt like a failure, I wasn’t using my degree. Life felt empty, boring. What was the point? I had to do this for another 50+ years? No thank you. Tried all kinds of medications but nothing seemed to work or I would gobble them all up and then not have anymore so would just have to withdraw. I finally got a job with my degree but was so depressed, I stopped going, I didn’t get out of bed. I had an argument with my mom, I got kicked out and overdosed in my car. I was vomiting the pills up (they were so bitter) and was taken to hospital after talking to a suicide hotline. This was the first time she found out. I moved in with my brother and felt insanely guilty, a burden on him. He had a daughter too, my niece, and I didn’t want to affect her. He is so kind, I remember him making tea for me and my niece and there were no arguments at the dinner table. He is very athletic/health conscious too, and didn’t have any binge foods around the house. I never b/p during this time but still restricted. I managed to get myself together and got a job. It was the first job I could hold down. I saved up and got my own place. I stayed in that role for 7 years. I did have times when I would relapse binge-purge-restrict but I truly think that job saved my life in a way. I felt valued, I was helping other people. I opened up to my coworkers a little and they shared their experiences with SA and eating disorders (I never told them about mine, I couldn’t talk about it, but they helped me so much by being open and kind). A coworkefriend once told me how I looked so much healthiehappier now and that I was too thin when I started (it didn’t trigger me, she was being nice). She probably doesn’t remember but she had noticed. Sure my family was always commented how I was skinny, but nobody else ever said anything. Someone had noticed.
I recently looked at some old photos from Covid times and was shocked how swollen my cheeks and face was. I went through a period of being very bulimic. b/p every day (I would puke into a bucket in the shower until it was almost full) a particularly low point was when I was actually b/p at work or in public toilets. It has always been something I’d done at home. I was still depressed. Eventually, I started looking into psychedelics and it did help a little however things were bad where I lived, my neighbours were bullying me over parking, which just escalated for no reason, they would spit on my door and damage my car, which affected me quite a bit. Other neighbours had moved out because of them. After Covid, I moved into my car. It was cramped lol. I moved back to my mums after a panic attack. I remember going to a hen do with my friends from high school. Alcohol and not being able to relate to any of them (and being back home) triggered me badly. I overdosed. My mom found me and called the ambulance. I remember the paramedics gasping at my body, I was bones and felt proud about it. I escaped the hospital and carried on. I did see another psychiatrist who I told about my ED. The medical notes make me laugh, I told her my weight as being *KG I have no idea why or what I weighed, I’m 5’7 and she comments something like ‘unlikely, pt wearing baggy jumper, eating disorder’ ah confirmation at last. It’s not in my head?
Found myself a new place and here I am. I haven’t b/p for 3 years now, I’m 30, but I have taken up smoking and barely eat. Im struggling to find joy in anything lately. Talking to other people is hard. My weight is dropping fast and that feels good. I think I’m always a bit curious how much I can lose, sometimes I just seem to ‘recover’ and eat relatively normal. I still feel like a failure and unloveable/unlikeable. I don’t have any friends (there are people who talk to me but I never know why, I think I fear rejection and being hurt). I just don’t feel connected to anything except my ED, it’s the only thing that comforts me. I haven’t been intimate with anyone since being SA’d and just feel too embarrassed about it, embarrassed about my body in general, if I’m a normal weight I feel too fat, if I’m underweight I feel too boney. The worst part is that people are so much nicer to me when I’m restricting. It fucks with my head. I’m just kind of waiting to die in a way, I don’t feel sad about it. It’s easier to carry on doing what I’m doing than to attempt again. I’m scared it won’t work or I’ll end up in a worse position. I also don’t want to upset my family.
Idk maybe you can relate? Does any of this make sense. I’m not very articulate sorry, but that felt good to get off my chest.

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

I'll be a student in September, and will be in the baker house. i have a bioactive terrarium that I'm planning to bring with me. everything is contained, and all plants and bugs are native species. will it be an issue? the main reason i have it is for mental health. i have episodes of being really despondent, and kind of depressed. looking at bugs, and observing them living their little lives helps to bring me out of those episodes. i cant always get out to a forest, or somewhere with nature, so its nice to have a little slice of the outside in my room.
I'm in the process of getting myself registered with the accessibility centre, so if i have to take it up with them, i can. I'm mostly wondering it its directly against dorm rules.