TW: pills (idk if that’s a thing but it is for my post.
I went to sleep last night so sad and worn out. My hormones decided to play everything I’ve lost, every mistake, every hardship I’m overcoming which I’m actually kicking ass. Proud of me lol. BUT I couldn’t deal. I took a seroquel and as I was drifting off I remembered how amazing a soma holiday sounds. I don’t have soma but my seroquel. I woke around 9 am and decided nope. Took another one and slept until 1. Still decided that this wasnt the time I wanted to wake up. Took another one and woke up at 8pm. I’m not suicidal but just didn’t want to be awake. I don’t regret it but I’m so sluggish. Im okay tho. But it was so nice to just sleep and not worry about fights, emotions and rage.

In the beginning of april, I had this situation due to stress that made me react out of the ordinary for a week. Irritable, no sleep, impulsivity, suicidal thoughts, rapid speech ... I was only able to get to meet her almost one month after.
When she asked me how I felt, I told her I felt good, better. And she told me she thinks it's a difficulty of adapting. My father, who I have a complicated relationship almost died and I had back to back several stressing things happening at my job.
You can see on my previous post that i went to the emergency because of suicidal thoughts last week. They gave me clonazepam and told me to rest for a week.
I'm scared to not be believed because I told her I felt better, but I felt better comparatively at the beginning of april. The "I would not be suffering if I wasn't there" that was always in the back of my mind transformed into "I could just jump in front of that car" last week. I'm scared she thinks I'm lying.
My life is pretty good. I have a kind supportive boyfriend, a good job, a supportive group of friends, a family, and my brain is not able to see past the negative. It's just not able to rhink positively and just wants to get that done with.
I'm on lamictal 200 mg Seroquel 25 mg to sleep Pregabalin 200 mg for anxiety Temporary clonazepam 0.5 mg

Hi guys; I’m a 21f who was diagnosed bipolar 2 at 19. My main issue is bipolar depression; every once in a while I’ll have hypomania but not often. I have since tried so many different medications for the depression, such as: Vraylar, Lamotrigine, Lithium, Geodon, Abilify, and Seroquel. None have helped, and honestly I haven’t noticed a difference with most of them. Currently, I’m on Vraylar for the bipolar depression and Lexapro for my comorbid OCD and Anxiety. I’m still so sad and depressed and crying most days, wanting to self harm and being suicidal. Anyways, I was just wondering if you guys found a med combo that worked well for you for bipolar depression? I also want to mention I exercise and hang out with friends when I can and have made an effort to do it without meds too, but have just relapsed everytime I’ve tried to come off of them.

Hello. I posted 5 months ago that I want to start keto again. I really failed at keeping any kindof diet the last months indulging in sweets and carbs all day. I had a month of fasting for my faith and ate mostly carbs. I am on 5 meds for bipolar and two are supposed to help depression but they do not work. I have no motivation to do much and I have debilitating fatigue. I admit that after eating carbs I am more tired. I am sure its all related to energy for the brain and brain metabolism. Maybe also meds make me tired. I also have suicidal ideation weekly. This is not the life that I want to have and I want to be better . I am not sure If one med seroquel will affect my keto diet because its affecting insulin.. but I Heard a herb called berberine helps with insulin problems from antipsychotics. I did a kind of keto diet some time ago no sweets and very low carbs and I hope now I can do it as it should. Seroquel makes me crave food not necessary carbs so I will try to have something for that other than carbs. I would really need true inspiring benefits of the diet from keto for bipolar. I just hope I will have the will to do it because I am so depressed and lack motivation.

Hi. I live in Ontario Canada. I do not know what to do and hopefully can find some wisdom here. I have a 30 year old son. Hes smart, graduated from high school was tought for him, tried to go to college 3 times all epic failures. He suffers from chronic depression, serious social anxiety and some other things Ill get into.
When he was kicked out of college at 23 I took him a psychiatrist, as he was very depressed. The psychiatrist put him on 3 meds, seroquel was one I think prozac was another and I cannot remember the 3rd one. I also bought him melatonin to help him sleep. The psychiatrist then moved away and my son decided he did not want to take the medication anymore. Since then (7 years ago) he has declined to such a state I barely recognize him anymore.
He prefers to be alone. He obesses over things. For example I wanted him to maybe get a hustle going on etsy, to give him a purpose a job. So I bought him a 3d printer (he is very good at making things digitally using CAD) I figured he could make dnd pieces and sell them. So I got him a middle of the road 3d printer.
He began obessesing over it every detail, the first month he had it he did not even use it because he was educating himself on the unit itself. All he wanted to talk about was 3d printing this filament that. YADA YADA YADA three months later he now has 3 different types of 3d printers and still has not even set up an etsy account. Yes, 3 one is for resin, one is for silicone and the 3rd one is the original basic one.
He has these violent comments that scare the crap out of me. I honestly do not think he will ever act on these thoughts primarily because he never leaves the house. But he says things like hes going to blow up this building because his worker didnt do what he asked or hes going to go to see his worker and bring a knife with him to show them how serious he is.
He has contemplated suicide and tells me when he is feeling this way.
When he talks he rambles. He will go round and round in circles on the same topic. To the point where I have to remove myself because I get so frustrated.
My older son will not allow my grandson (who is 3) to come to my house as he is afraid of his brother possibly being a bad influence harming or just not feeling safe. So I have to go over there to spend time with my grandson.
I have called mental health help lines, they say I can bring him to emerg or I can call the police and have him dragged away.
Police pick him up take him to emerg, emerg releases him says hes fine, and the cycle begins.
The mental health help line says there is no longer legislation available to force him to get mental health treatment. That apparently the age of consent is now 12 years old so if he does not want treatment he can say no.
He is so sick. I am so scared. He did so well on the meds. Now he is just unrecognizable. I want to retire in a few years and I am planning for that. But, I want to retire without having to care for him, but thats not possible in this current situation. He smokes weed, which helps calm him, and does not use any other illicit drugs. He lives like a complete pig he has taken over 2 bedrooms in my house with his filth and I cant get him to clean it up. When I try he freaks out. He keeps everything. One day I bought him a new chair for his room, and I told him we had to clean his room up to make space for it. We took out 7 garbage bags from his room and we did not touch the other room. When you open the door flies come out of his room in the middle of january. Its just so gross. He makes himself food and just leaves everything laying around. I come home from work and it looks like a 3 course buffet was made in my kitchen. I clean it up only to find it the same way again. I raised him like this. My other son and his g/f keep their house clean. This is just not normal.
Please do not judge me, I am asking for advice. Any advice. How can I force this grown man into psychiatric care?????????

i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 in june of last year after a suicide attempt i made having not slept in over week. i have been rejecting my diagnosis, i just cannot deal with the fact that i have so little control over something that affects me very greatly. i was on 1000 mg valproic acid, 200 mg seroquel xr, 15 mg mirtazipine, and 25 mg lexapro. i stopped taking all of them in october of last year because i thought i would be better off of them. i stopped seeing both of my therapists and i stopped seeing my psychiatrist entirely to avoid telling her that i actually havent been taking my meds. i thought i got better entirely but i just really am not aware how sick i am for some reason. i went through several debilitating lows, and apparently i have been in a manic episode for a month now (according to my therapist which i saw today, my mom confirming my symptoms with her) which just this last sunday got so intense that i experienced psychosis after not sleeping for four days. i relapsed terribly with self harm, broke a lot of things, ripped up money, set things on fire, attempted to break the screen on my window so i could try to walk to the grocery store and steal alcohol, sort of blacked in and out cant really remember a lot of it that well but my room looked like a crime scene from the extent of my relapse. i dont know. after that i realized maybe i am actually bipolar like my doctors say, but i dont wanna be. i dont know how to live with this i am scared. i havent slept for 2 days now i am exhausted but my body will not sleep. i turn 18 in september so im fairly young and i dont know how this will affect my life. i want to live, i just got a job and i start college in the fall, so bearing the weight of my illness is brutal and i genuinely dont know what to do. im sorry if this is long and doesnt make much sense, im very sleep deprived but just want advice from others also living with this disorder, anything helps.

Working towards accepting my diagnosis.
I'm a female (35) that recently got a Bipolar diagnosis from my therapist and doctor and I'm scheduled to see a psychiatrist for a prescription. I've been diagnosed with it a long with manic depression , PTSD and ADHD before but I've always been in denial, until now.
Background. I come from a society that greatly stigmatisez mental health. Just a few generations ago, children or individuals with mental health problems would be killed by family members so as not to bring shame to the family. Word is there's an uncle that "just disappeared" after he had a nasty episode and some people say he was murdered because he was bringing shame to the family.
As a kid, my nick name was "wire" coz everyone said I had a few "wires loose in my brain". I lived a life that was stigmatising, isolating and filled with a lot of physical, emotional and sexual abuse.
I was separated from my mom when I was barely 2 because "she couldn't deal with my craziness" and lived with my grandmother and a few random relatives in the village. Those were some of the only happy memories I have of my childhood since I was free to run wild in the wilderness, eat wild fruits, fetch water from wells and just roam free. My grandma trusted we'd (me and my cousins) would get back when we were hungry and tired...and cozy up by a warm fire listening to my grand father's old takes. I was loved and accepted with my quirkiness without being made to feel like a burden. I knew I was different but I didn't get punished for it. Those were truly some of my happiest days.
Then my dad (who everyone's always believed to be Bi-Polar) came and picked me up one day to live with him and his wife in the city. Hell ensued in my life after that. Abuse, trauma and a lack of belonging ensued. My dad jumped from one relationship to another and I followed suit, dealing with the hate and resentment from different step mons, or whichever girl friend he had at the moment..or whichever relative of his he could convince to take me on while he "sorted stuff out"...sometimes he'd disappear for weeks or months. I even had to move in with my school teacher at some point.
I longed for his attention, love and acceptance. He'd return to reports of my bad rebellious behavior and beat the shit out of me .I have scars all over my back from these beatings. He's definitely narcissistic and I still struggle to this day to heal from the years of psychological torture I endured living with him. I was not allowed to speak to or connect with my mother and he made it impossible for me to forge any deep bonds with any maternal figure coz he claimed " no one could love his daughter the way he could"....I was committed only to him and did as he wished. My life was dedicated to pleasing him, taking care of his family..kids, business. To make things worse he went on to amass a lot of wealth, and gained a lot of popularity and influence at a national level. Loved and revered by everyone, while the people on his household cried and were depressed.
I struggled through school. Would top the class one semester, straight A's, shiny extra co-curricular activities, leadership etc... and totally flunk the next semester and get in trouble for dump shit like vandalizing school property. Would get kicked out of class, get suspended and got expelled once for being disruptive and apparently negatively influencing other kids. I have felt lost and alone all my life, constantly filled with an overwhelming need to do more, people please and gain the much needed acceptance and recognition...or even just love...what I never got from either of my parents.
The emotional abuse broke me to a point where I had a miscarriage that almost killed me at 26..I hit a low where suicide felt like the only option. I decided to cut myself off from my dad and family and rebuild myself. I got help and therapy and my therapist walked me back to life. They put me on meds to treat the depression and advised long term therapy to deal with ptsd. I got a job..and excelled but couldn't stay in any job for longer than 1.5 years. Always new job, new career, now industry..always excelled..and then crashed and disappeared..self loathed..then self soothed..healed and got back up and started something new. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I can't keep carrying this burden of trying to be better, do better, on my own.
I moved to the US to start a new life and welcomed my first child last year with my husband...who I've known for 15 years. He's undoubtedly commited to me and our son. I want to do right by them. That's why when the episodes returned...like going over 48 hours no sleep in several occasions while caring for a baby, or finding myself crying uncontrollably and fighting off thoughts of self loathing and suicide...obsessingvover the strangest things or crazy ideas..impulsively shopping, shoplifting....I gave in and sought help. I'm currently taking Seroquel to help calm mind and sleep as I await one more diagnosis before accepting meds coz...I'm so scared of what it means to be Bi-Polar. I have a lot of unlearning to do.
When i told my dad about my mental health issues as a teenager, he said I was possessed by demons. When I started self harming as a teenager and toying with suicidal ideation, he called me a demon and said I should die as it wouldn't matter since he has other kids and can always have more (he's got 15+ now)..which hurt coz I talked him out of shooting himself when I was 15!
My identity was tied to gaining validation from him for so long, even after moving continents away to restart my life...his voice and influence is still so strong that it's hard to grasp the reality of my diagnosis.... I'll obess over how clean my house has to be coz, "what would Daddy say if he showed up and say this kitchen."...It's like.. accepting my bipolar diagnosis is accepting or validating all the horrible negative labels and slurs that were thrown at me all my life yet I've dedicated Soo much time trying to prove them wrong.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be better, for my son, my husband and my new life here. It's just not as easy as I thought it would be.
I'm not even sure what I'll get from sharing here but, it helps to just put this out there and hopefully understand what I can do to deal or make sense of all this.

A few months ago I was put on prednisone for hearing loss. After a week I developed tinnitus and eye floaters/starbursts.
Stopped the prednisone and quickly developed anxiety, depression, and insomnia, along with a bunch of physical side effects.
Was put on 50mg of seroquel for the insomnia which did nothing other than give me dry mouth and make me feel like a zombie.
Developed suicidal thoughts and ended up in a crisis center where I was diagnosed OCD(I'm not) and prescribed olanzapine 5mg, Trazodone 50mg, and Prozac 20mg. Was told I'd have to take these for the rest of my life.
Took the medications for about a week before I noticed the tinnitus was getting worse and quit cold turkey(I was told this was OK by a psychiatrist).
I used to fall asleep in 5 mins and sleep 8-10 hours a night. Now I take an hour to fall asleep and wake up every hour. At the end of the night I always wake up at 3AM on the dot and can't go back to sleep. I also used to be able to take naps but can't anymore. Not sure how much of this is med induced or just anxiety, but I'm not living anymore.
I've tried melatonin, cbd, exercise, gaba, magnesium, valerian, but nothing is helping.
Please help! I can't do this any more.

My father (73yo) suffered a pretty major ischemic stroke on January 5. Complete left side paralysis, he can now eat minced foods and he never lost his ability to speak. It was noticed about two days after the stroke that his cognition and mental state was very changed. He has no baseline dementia before his stroke. He still has every memory from before his stroke, leading up to and all the way through being in the ambulance. However, he has what has been called sundowning, hospital, delirium, nighttime delirium, ICU delirium, you name it. Call it what you will, but during the nights, he yells out and tries to get up out of the bed. In the very beginning, he was restrained, sedated , etc.
He was originally discharged after two months in the hospital to a low level facility because it was the only one that would take him. In the 10 days that he was there, they forgot to give him his Lexapro the entire time which he had been on for 15 years. He contracted Covid and shingles and had fallen from the bed five times sustaining a black eye. We called 911 and had him sent back to the emergency room.
After six more weeks in hospital, he was finally discharged to a skilled nursing facility of our choice. He made very small strides, he continued to yell out and try to get out of the bed. He was eventually released home to my 71 year-old mother, and we had hoped that they could make it work at home. It turned out he is still very much a two person assist, and his nights are simply unmanageable. he would get out of bed onto the floor. My mother would get him back in bed and then he would be getting back out. His nights have just been completely unmanageable. His mental state declined so much that he had talked of suicide so we had the ambulance come get him to take him to a different hospital.
They realized that he was on 100 mg of Seroquel as well as a small dose of risperidone along with his Lexapro that he has taken for 20 years. They took him off Seroquel and for the first two days he was in a great mental state. Since then, the nighttime manic episodes have returned and now we are trying to get him place into another skilled nursing facility with PT and OT and , no facility in a 50 mile radius will accept him due to his night time behaviors, along with no available beds.
Where do we go from here? It tells me that if a skilled nursing facility won’t take him, they believe he’s best suited for a hospital until he is well enough to graduate to a skilled nursing facility. I know the hospital can’t and won’t keep him forever but what will their endgame be? Are they going to try to push us into long-term care from here? I don’t want to send him just anywhere that has a bed if it’s not the right fit or gets horrible reviews. Plus he still needs PT and OT. do we have the right to decline any facility that may say that they would take him?
I think that we need to have psych, Nuro and his doctors work with the social worker to get him well enough to be discharged to a place where he can succeed. any thoughts on this matter would be so appreciated! I have been glued to the stroke Reddit page since January. It is so helpful.

hi I'm Georgia I'm a 13f I have struggled with my mental health from the age of 9 and since then its only gotten worse. I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety, they both have haunted me. when my suicidal thoughts came I had no clue what to do with them. I'm on Duloxetine and seroquel My parents are in there 40s, my mom is mentally ill and my dad is narcissist. They both suffered with suicidal thoughts as well. My parents fight a lot, like to the point where all my siblings beside my sister want them to get divorced.
I feel as if I'm not real and I'm that's weird but that's just have I've been feeling. I was feeling great 4 weeks ago and thought I was getting better, and I had a chance. Well ig I jinxed it cuz one week later I fall into a depression episode or more I'm not sure the differences. I made weird decisions, like smoking everyday all day. And doing more dangerous stuff. When I was in it I didn't even realize. I'm obviously still depressed and the after math of the episode is crazy. But ig that's depression right? I feel sad all the time. I'm planing my suicide at the moment and its scary, But so surreal. I wish I was gone everyday all day. But I HATE the hospital. So sorry but NO. I have a therapy session tomorrow but I'm scared if I tell Jer she will have to send me to the psych ward again. Like NOOOO
Okay byeeeee

I really hurt someone I deeply care about. I could have put her life in serious danger . None of it is her fault ,it's completely mine. I feel an unbelievable amount of guilt and don't know if I'll ever recover.
I really want to repair things, but I don't know how, considering I don't know how I could have avoided it .
I've been extremely stressed lately. A lot of things I can typically do to cope aren't options at the moment. I'm recovering from a major surgery and I haven't been the easiest to be around.
I split on every single one of my friends and everyone either left, or is waiting for me to stop spiraling .
My doctor prescribed a couple medications to try to help manage my stress and get rest . The first, 25 mg seroquel made me violent and suicidal. But violent as in throwing things and breakingstuff , and any minor thing i messed up with turned into all day depressionand lying in bed hating myself. . Then Ativan, which made me act extremely out of character and I could have put my friends life at risk .I could have lost everything.
Chat GPT gave me better advice than any therapist I've had , gave me reassurance that things will work out okay if I put the effort in to repairthings ,and gave me plenty of solutions on how to navigate this not just socially but therapeutically too.
And then I asked it for immediate solutions, to help repair things with her , but also heal the guilt.
And then I asked it if it thought my desire to sleep around to numb the pain of the guilt I have. It said do what you want but here's a bunch of reasons why you shouldn't and why it won't help .
And then it gave me a list of things I could do to help myself heal from all this.
I'm currently trying to find some hobbies or group activities to do once I'm healed enough from my surgery.

I’ve been on 50mg prn seroquel IR for almost a year now, I usually take two 25s before bed. It was prescribed for anxiety and depressive/suicidal ideation and it’s been working great. It was a hospital psychiatrist who prescribed me 6 months worth during a hospitalization for suicidal ideation, and pharmacy extended it for 3 mo.
Recently after seeing a doctor I was switched to the extended release version, and since I’ve switched I’ve noticed my anxiety has come back to what it used to be and I’m finding myself relying more and more on my lorazepam to get me through the day.
Has anyone else experienced this? I will talk to my doctor about it (I don’t have a psychiatrist) but I wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this.

As I said I'm newly diagnosed. Previously misdiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia for 10 years. I'm autistic with severe OCD.My problem I'm having every day is what I was calling "rage attacks" until I found this sub and realized these are meltdowns. I've been heavily medicated on schizophrenia medication for so long, I've been a bit emotionally numb. And by numb. My emotions were still at 100%. I was just able to control them. But now that the main medication (seroquel) is now 100mg from 800-600mg all these years, and I've officially hit a manic episode, this is the first manic episode I've been in on literally only 100mg of seroquel. My old psych had me on 2 antipsychotics, 2 antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, anti anxiety, and some other pill I don't remember. Now I'm full blown manic. Without any of my usual manicness (partying, drugs, hypersexual, attention seeking, meeting strangers off the internet and getting in their car at 2am). Only now. I'm just at home with fucking crackhead energy. And I just moved into my friends place. I don't have my own room. I had to move because my ex and I broke up due to him breaking every single boundary and cheating. Also being forced into sober living by the judge because he pissed dirty too many times for his dui case which I didn't know until I saw the paper from the judge. That whole relationship just broke me in ways I didn't know I could be broken. In sober living he got drunk and faked a suicide attempt by texting me and acting like someone else was texting me and found him and he's refusing medical care and they can't tell me any information because I'm not his emergency contacts. So. My emotions have been just fucked. I normally regulate my emotions with my safety net. My headphones. I've had them for years and I never leave anywhere without them. If there is anything in the outside world I can't handle or stand, I put on my headphones. Even if I'm not listening to music. I still wore them. I've literally been dumped before because I always had my headphones on. Well after this breakup. And moving, i have no routine or familiarity in my life. I cant for the life of me figure one out and im so preoccupied in my emotions I cant sit down and put my attention to it. My emotions went from 100 to 150%. I'm a really angry person I just hide I very well. But I couldn't hide it anymore. Physically you can see how furious I get. I started getting to the point I was throwing things out of anger. Like none of my pens felt good when I was trying to write. I'm weird about pens. So I started throwing them with each attempt to find a pen that will feel the way I want it to feel. And then a week ago I threw my headphones in frustration because they wouldn't connect to my phone. I literally threw them onto a blanket on the floor and they were just DESTROYED! That set something off in me I can't explain. My lifeline. My way to self regulate. My way of escaping. Was gone. All because of me. Since then. My emotions are at 200%. All day every day I'm in fight or flight. I'm so sensitive. And my 2 primary emotions is happy and ABSOLUTELY INFURIATED. I'm hitting myself, crying, trying to rip out my hair, it takes every bit of my strength to not demolish whatever is causing me this rage. I tried going to Walmart and even just on the way I had this sinking feeling. The moment we walked through the doors my body stiffened. I just held on to my friends arm and went completely mute and walked looking at the ground. I heard every voice. The carts. The beeping. The bagging. Kids crying. Music I don't like. Just EVERYTHING. I just grit my teeth and silently let tears fall down my face. My stomach started to cramp in the way that it cramps when you just ran a mile. Probably from holding my breath as to not let out a wail. And I'm too poor to buy new headphones so that not an option right now. I don't know how to cope. I can't even write in my journal because for some reason my handwriting looks like I'm in elementary school if I try to slowly write or like a doctors handwriting if I write at normal speed and it drives me crazy because my handwriting is normally neat. So that coping mechanism is out the window too because I'm the type that will rewrite and rip out pages and rewrite until things are perfect. Not normally with my journal but just seeing that this handwriting is coming from me, it's all I can focus on and it just sends me further into my meltdown. I seem to be developing more stims. And they are happening more frequently because my head is constantly being tormented with some type of thought. Im on edge. If you didnt know me in real life, with all my twitchyness and how skinny i am and just my abnormalness. You'd assume I'm on drugs. And I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified people will think I'm twacked out of my mind. But this is just my mind. I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this. I always prided myself on my self control. I lived by "feel any emotion you need to, at the intensity you need to. That's human. It's your actions that follow those emotions that matter". But now I'm just so emotionally raw that everyday something is setting off these uncontrollable emotions. I self harmed a couple days ago and I haven't done that in over a year. And that scares me. My arfid is also extremely being affected by these intense emotions. I've dropped 30lbs in 3 months and now I'm almost about to hit the double digits with just one more lb. It's like I can't take care of myself anymore. My ex really was kinda my caretaker and kept me on my routines and made sure I ate, showered, and just went so far to help me (besides all his dumb cheating manipulative ways, he was a good caretaker). I also have health problems I was getting sorted because he took and went to all my doctors appointments and helped set them up and keep order. So I stopped going to all my drs right in the beginning of getting diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and hEDS. I had so many specialist appointments set up because alot of my body is being affected by something. Shows up in the bloodwork but all my symptoms are so broad we couldn't figure out yet. So. With my mental health going down. My physical health is going down again too. I'm about to be 29. But I'm a child. I just want a fucking parent. Someone in my life to see that I can't do any of this on my own. I can't even feed myself. And help me. I'm struggling in every aspect of my life.
*EDIT forgot to mention I have bipolar with psychotic features. The mania without medication for the first time is triggering me and causing extreme emotions I cannot handle. I'm honestly asking for coping mechanisms. Please!

Hi community was just curious to know if you have anything to share about your experiences with bipolabpd meds or anti-depressants (i know they are different i have both Bipolar2 and BPD) cover the course of this journey that started with my initial diag of clinical depression with suicidal inclinations i was given different combinations of SSRIs. I then develop anxiety started having panic attacks. I don’t know if it just was because covud fucked us all or if i was vulnerable that time. Had a attempt of which i am not proud of (suicide). As soon aa i started tapering from meds i couldn’t sleep. I never had experiences of not being able to sleep but then doc said i might have insomnia. I still have insomnia after all these years. My faternal aunt and my grandmother both were on sleeping pilla at some point of their life, they had insomia. Not sure if this runs in the family but anyways doc atleast could have inform this upfront to me when i shared my family history. Now two weeks back go lt my diag of Bipolar2 and BPD currently on mood stabilizers doing okayish.
If anyone is curious these are the meds i took over the course of 2017-2023 (on and off prescribed by different doc)
Petril MD 0.5 Mirtaz 25 mg Etizolam 25 mg Rexipra - 10 mg Quetipine - 25 mg Olanzapine 5 mg Melatonin 5 mg Clonazepam 0.25 mg Ventab DXT 25
Currently on Lamictal 25 mg taking twice daily and seroquel 50 mg.

The Psychiatric Drug-Induced Suicide of Robin Williams - Two Years Later by Gary G. Kohls, MD FEBRUARY 10, 2020
55 years ago (July 2, 1961) an American literary icon, Ernest Hemingway, committed suicide at his beloved vacation retreat in Ketchum, Idaho. He had just flown to Ketchum after being discharged from a psychiatric ward at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN where he had received a series of electroconvulsive “treatments” (ECT) for a life-long depression that had started after he had experienced the horrors of World War I. In the “War To End All Wars” he had been a non-combatant ambulance driver and stretcher-bearer.
One of Hemingway’s wartime duties was to retrieve the mutilated bodies of living and dead humans and the body parts of the dead ones from the Italian sector of the WWI battle zone. In more modern times his MOS (military occupational specialty)might have been called Grave’s Registration, a job that - in the Vietnam War - had one of the highest incidences of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that arose in that war’s aftermath.
Hemingway, just like many of the combat-induced PTSD victims of every war, was likely haunted for the rest of his life by the horrific images of the wounded and dead, so there was no question that he had what was later to be understood as combat-induced PTSD with depression, panic attacks, nightmares, auditory and/or visual hallucinations and insomnia.
Unfortunately for Papa, the psychiatrists at the Mayo Clinic were unaware of the reality of the PTSD phenomenon. They mistakenly thought that he had a mental illness (depression) of unknown etiology. (The diagnosis of PTSD wasn’t validated by the American Psychiatric Association as a Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) diagnosis until 1980.)
Hemingway, a legendary chronic alcoholic who consumed large volumes of hard liquor daily, had also been wounded by shrapnel in WWI so he probably also had physical pain issues. Therefore, like many other soldier-victims of combat-induced PTSD he used alcohol to self-medicate his physical pain as well as his psychic pain, anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, failed marriages and the financial stresses related to the alimony payments to his ex-wives.
Following his Mayo Clinic misadventure, Hemingway rapidly came to understand that his latest ECT “treatments” had erased his memory and creativity, and, because those realities were essential for him to continue his writing career and feeling that he no longer had a reason for living - ended his life. There is no record of what psychiatric drugs he had been prescribed over the years, but ECT is typically only attempted after all psychiatric drug options had failed.
The Parallel Paths of Artistic Geniuses Like Hemingway and Williams (and Michael Jackson and Prince)
53 years after Hemingway’s self-inflicted death, another American icon, actor and comedian Robin Williams, entered the Hazelden psychiatric facility and addiction treatment center - also in my home state of Minnesota. He was treated with a cocktail of (undisclosed) psychiatric drugs for a month and, shortly after his discharge, committed suicide by hanging (August 11, 2014) at his California home. The cocktail of brain-altering drugs surely was a major factor in his becoming increasingly depressed, losing appetite, losing weight and withdrawing from his loved ones.
His discharge medications, which included the so-called “antidepressant” drug mirtazapine (Remeron – which is well-known to increase the risk of suicidal thinking), the so-called anti-psychotic drug Seroquel (probably prescribed off-label for his insomnia) plus an unknown anti-Parkinsonian drug caused him to be somnolent, despondent, despairing and increasingly depressed.
Remeron, it should be emphasized, is well-known to cause suicidal thinking (and attempted suicide) and carries the Food and Drug Administration’s “Black box” warning for suicidality. After he returned home, he was said to have slept in his darkened bedroom, up to 20 hours a day, in a probably drug-induced stupor.
Remeron, it is helpful to remind readers, was one of the two psych meds (the other was the anti-psychotic drug Haldol) that the infamous Andrea Yates was taking before she irrationally drowned her five children - including her 6-month-old baby Mary - in the family bathtub. The devoutly religious Texas mother was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to life imprisonment but – at re-trial – had her conviction changed to “not guilty by reason of insanity” (rather than “not guilty by reason of the intoxicating, insanity-inducing and homicidal effects of psychiatric medications!”). She is now spending the rest of her life in a psychiatric facility, no longer a threat to children.
Robin Williams was said to have been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease while at Hazelden. The symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease are well known to be caused by antipsychotic drugs such as Seroquel. Children who have been given anti-psychotic drugs (most commonly foster care children) are now coming down with Parkinson’s Disease at an early age, an illness totally unheard of prior to the formation of the subspecialty of Pediatric Psychiatry.
The Secrets of NIMH (and Hazelden)
30 years ago or so a cartoon movie was released about lab rats that were trying to escape extermination by the National Institute of Mental Health. The movie was titled “The Secret of NIMH”. I tried to watch it a few years ago and was disappointed to discover that it really didn’t expose any of the real secrets of NIMH, its American Psychiatric Association foundations or the psychopharmaceutical industry’s unholy alliance with NIMH. I understand that a remake of the film is planned. I hope some of the real secrets will be revealed in the new film.
Robin Williams left no suicide note, and so far Hazelden is mum on what happened behind closed doors during that fateful – and failed – month-long stay.
“What Brain-Altering Drugs was Williams or Michael Jackson or Prince On?”
Williams’ legendary cocaine and amphetamine use are certainly factors to consider as contributing causes for his suicide, for such drugs are notoriously toxic to mitochondria and brain cells. What is also deserving of consideration is the fact that when patients abruptly quit taking an antipsychotic drug, withdrawal symptoms can occur - even if the drug was first prescribed for non-psychotic issues like insomnia. Those withdrawal symptoms can include irrational thinking, loss of impulse control, psychoses, hallucinations, insomnia and mania, any of which can lead a physician to falsely diagnose “schizophrenia” or “bipolar disorder” or any number of mental disorders “of unknown cause”.
Some of Williams’ closest friends are logically wondering about what was the effect of the newly prescribed drugs that may have motivated Williams to so illogically kill himself. Hollywood journalists swarmed all over the tragic event two years ago, but characteristically avoided even speculating about the possibility of psychiatric drug-induced suicide, the most logical explanation for the series of events, especially for any thinking person who knows anything about the connections between psychiatric prescription drugs and suidicality, homicidality, aggression, violence, dementia, and irrational thinking and actions (whether while taking the drugs or withdrawing from them).
Such informed people have already asked themselves the question: “I wonder what psych drugs Robin (or Hemingway or Michael Jackson or Prince) was taking?” Tragically, the media has been totally unhelpful in discussing that important question or in offering any answers to the question. Iatrogenic (doctor-caused or prescription drug-induced) causes of morbidity and mortality are apparently not to be discussed in polite company.
It is important to point out that a bottle of Seroquel with 8 pills missing was found in Williams’ bedroom and drug toxicity testing revealed Remeron in Williams’ bloodstream at autopsy. The coroner emphasized that the dose of the legally-prescribed drug was at “therapeutic levels”, which is, of course, totally unhelpful information, given the fact that the undesired effects of a drug have no correlation to dosage.
The Taboo Reality of Iatrogenesis: Psych Drugs Can Cause Suicidality
There have been millions of words written about how much everybody was shocked by Williams’ suicide. There have been thousands of flowers placed at any number of temporary shrines “honoring” his legacy. There have been thousands of comments on the internet from amateur arm-chair psychologists spouting obsolete clichés about suicide, mental illness, drug abuse, alcoholism, cocaine addiction, and how wonderful psychoactive prescription drugs have been.
And there have been hundreds of dis-informational essays and website commentaries written by professional arm-chair psychiatrists who have financial or career conflicts of interest with Big Pharma, Big Psychiatry, Big Medicine, Big Vaccine and the rehab industries. Most of those commentaries distract readers from making the connections between suicidality and psych drugs. Some of the comments I have read have preemptively tried to discredit those who are publicly making those connections.
Whenever unexpected suicides or accidental drug overdose deaths occur among heavily drugged-up military veterans, active duty soldiers, Hollywood celebrities or other groups of individuals, I search the media – usually in vain - for information that identifies the drugs that are usually involved in such cases. But revealing the drug names, dosages, length of usage or who prescribed them seems to be a taboo subject. One has to read between the lines or wait until the information gets revealed at www.ssristories.org(a Big Pharma-exposing whistle-blowing website that should be mandatory reading for everybody who prescribes or consumes psychiatric drugs).
Patient confidentiality is usually the reason given for the cover-ups – and why important potentially teachable moments about these iatrogenic (drug-induced or vaccine-induced) tragedies are averted.
Big Pharma, the AMA, the APA, the AAP, the AAFP, the CDC, the FDA, the NIH, the NIMH, Wall Street and most of the patient or disease advocacy groups that sponsor the annual fund-raising “searches for the cure” events all understand that the hidden epidemic of iatrogenic illnesses must be covered-up. And, simultaneously, the altruistic whistle-blowers among us will be black-listed, denigrated, labeled as nuisance conspiracy theorists or even criminalized.
The well-funded corporate entities mentioned above also know how useful it is if patients (rather than the system) are blamed for causing their own health problems. Typical examples include: “you eat too much”, “you don’t exercise enough”, “you smoke too much”, “you don’t eat right”, “your family history is bad”, “you don’t take your meds correctly”, “you don’t come in for your screening tests/routine exams often enough”, “you don’t get all the vaccinations like you are told to do”, etc).
Highly unlikely “genetic” causes are energetically promoted as preferable root causes of totally preventable iatrogenic illnesses (because inherited disorders are not preventable and are also essentially untreatable). This reality ensures that researchers can annually demand billions of dollars for research while at the same time short-changing and discrediting simple, cheap, do-it-yourself preventive efforts that don’t need a doctor.
The confidence of the American public in Big Pharma’s drug and vaccine promotions must not be disturbed. Wall Street’s rigged stock market does not permit the publication of any information that could destroy investor confidence in the pharmaceutical or vaccine corporation’s highly profitable products, even if the (corporate pseudo-)science behind the drugs and vaccines is bogus and the unaffordable products are also dangerous.
The beauty of an unbiased public inquest, which I advocated for in this column two years ago, should have been done in the case of Robin Williams and all the school shooters, is the subpoena power of a grand jury to open up the previously secretive medical records and enforce testimony from Williams’ psychiatric treatment team. The public could finally hear information that could make comprehensible the mysterious death of yet another high-profile suicide victim - and start the process of actually de-mystifying America’s suicide and violence epidemics.
An inquest would likely reveal that Robin Williams did not have a “mental illness of unknown cause” or “bipolar disorder of unknown cause” or “depression of unknown cause” or “suicidality of unknown cause”.
An inquest would obtain testimony from feared whistle-blower experts in the fields of medicine, psychiatry and psychopharmaceuticals such as Peter Breggin, MD, Joseph Glenmullen, MD, Grace Jackson, MD, David Healey, MD, Russell Blaylock, MD, Fred Baughman, MD and other well-informed medical specialists who don’t own stock in Big Pharma corporations and who know very well how dangerous their drugs can be.
Robin Williams did not have a Mental Illness of Unknown Etiology
Just knowing a little about the life and times of Robin Williams and others on the long list of celebrity victims of psychiatric drugs (like Michael Jackson and Prince both of whom “died too soon”) would easily disprove most of the unscientific theories about their deaths that have widely published online.
Why did many of us psych drug sceptics and psychiatric survivors want an inquest in Robin Williams’ suicide? We wanted to know the names of the ingredients in the cocktail of drugs that had been tried on him (and the dosages and length of time they were taken). We wanted to know what side effects he had from the drugs and what his responses were. We wanted to know what was the reasoning behind the decision to prescribe unproven combinations of powerful drugs on someone whose brain was already compromised by the past use of known illegal brain-damaging drugs.
And we wanted to know, for the sake of past and future victims of these neurotoxic substances, if the prescribing practitioners informed Williams about the dangers of those treatments, particularly the black box suicide warnings for Remeron.
Stress-induced and Drug-induced Mental Ill Health Doesn’t Mean One is Mentally Ill
Robin Williams gained fame and fortune as a comic actor, starting with what was to become his trade mark manic acting style (stimulant drug-induced mania?) on “Mork and Mindy”. As have many other famous persons that attained sudden fame and fortune, Williams spent his millions lavishly and – in retrospect – often foolishly. After his third marriage he found that he could no longer afford his Hollywood lifestyle.
But long before his two divorces and the serious financial difficulties caused him to decompensate and again fall off the sobriety wagon, Robin Williams had lived in the fast lane, working long exhausting days and weeks and partying long exhausting nights with the help of stimulant drugs like the dependency-inducing drug cocaine (that overcomes sleepiness and fatigue) and artificial sleep-inducing tranquilizers whose mechanism of action resembles long-acting alcohol. Sedative drugs artificially counter the drug-induced mania and drug-induced insomnia that predictably results from psycho-stimulants like cocaine, nicotine, caffeine, Ritalin, Strattera, Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Provigil, amphetamines, etc, etc).
Williams had acknowledged that he was addicted to both cocaine and alcohol when his famous comedian buddy John Belushi died of an accidental drug overdose shortly after they had snorted cocaine together (March 4, 1962). Shortly after Belushi’s overdose death, Williams quit both drugs cold turkey, and he remained sober and cocaine-free for the next 20 years. There is no public information about his use of addictive prescription drugs, but it is well-known that many Hollywood personalities like him have close relationships with both prescription-writing physicians and illicit drug pushers, many of whom make house calls.
However, Williams relapsed in 2006 and started abusing drugs and alcohol again, eventually being admitted to a Hazelden drug rehab facility in Oregon. After “taking the cure” he continued his exhausting career making movies, doing comedy tours and engaging in personal appearances in order to “pay the bills and support my family”.
After two expensive divorces, huge indebtedness and an impending bankruptcy, Williams was forced, in September of 2013, to sell both his $35,000,000 home and his even more expensive 600-acre ranch in Napa Valley. He moved into a more modest, more affordable home in the San Francisco area, where he lived until his death.
But despite solving his near-bankruptcy situation (which would make any sane person temporarily and deeply sad), Williams continued having a hard time paying his bills – especially his alimony payments, so he was forced to go back to making movies (which he despised doing because of the rigorous schedule and being away from his family for extended periods of time). And he hated the fact that he was being financially forced to sign a contract to do a “Mrs. Doubtfire” sequel later in 2014.
For regular income, he took a job doing a TV comedy series called “The Crazy Ones”, but the pressures of working so hard got him drinking again, even using alcohol on the set, which he had never done before. He was making $165,000 per episode and was counting on continuing the series beyond the first season in order to have a steady income.
So when CBS cancelled the show in May 2014, humiliation, sadness, anxiety and insomnia naturally set in, and he decided to go for professional help at the Minnesota Hazelden addiction facility, spending the month of July 2014 as an patient there.
The public deserves to know what really happened inside that facility.
We certainly deserve to know the full story. There are many painful lessons that can be learned. Those who think that we can’t handle the truth are wrong.
The psychiatric drug-taking public deserves to know what were the offending drugs that contributed to his pain, anguish, sadness, nervousness, insomnia, sleep deprivation, hopelessness and the seemingly irrational decision to kill himself.
And the family, friends and fans of Robin Williams certainly deserve to know the essential facts of the case which, if not revealed to us, will otherwise just result in a blind continuation of America’s “mysterious” iatrogenic suicide, violence and dementia epidemics. Ignorance of the well-hidden truths will just allow the continuation of Big Pharma’s ill-gotten gains and its deception of the medical profession and their patients for so long - and destroying the memory, creativity, brains and lives of millions of patients simultaneously.
For more information on the above very serious issues, check out these websites: www.ssristories.com, www.madinamerica.com, http://rxisk.org/www.mindfreedom.org, www.breggin.com,www.cchrint.org, www.drugawareness.org, www.psychrights.org, www.quitpaxil.org, www.endofshock.com.
Appendix A
The Powers-That-Be That Would Keep Us Ignorant
Big Pharma, the AMA, the APA, the AAP, the AAFP, the CDC, the FDA, the NIH, the NIMH, Wall Street and most of the patient or disease advocacy groups that sponsor the annual fund-raising and very futile “searches for the cure” all understand that the hidden epidemic of iatrogenic illnesses must be de-emphasized. And, simultaneously, the altruistic whistle-blowers among us will be black-listed, denigrated and labeled as nuisance conspiracy theorists.
https://freepress.org/article/psychiatric-drug-induced-suicide-robin-williams-two-years-later?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR1AyLy3MJ8Tp2DTwc_c4G5DyQ1InTevjbzhmN5SiIb1CTv4neZIUTFdNoM_aem_AYJChMg0jV8OZPvcXTWQj6v6bU68PWGBdCO3saO27D9LaXhPIsUf8Mxnk2iAnypzxC-CDHI9t1jx9PG7e5KMkZO-

When I was in the psych ward for thought crime, I started having trouble breathing. They told me I was having a panic attack and to "just breath".
They prescribed me 200 mg Seroquel. To a person who has never taken any form of psychopharma previously. For context, the recommended starting dosage is 25 mg. They told me that I could be held indefinitely if I did not comply with this med regimen. This was a lie.
I immediately experienced extreme side effects from this medication, including severe cotton mouth that made it even harder to breath. When my nose stuffed up from a cold I caught on ward, I could not sleep for three days because I had to sit next to the sink trickling water into my mouth inbetween gasps for air. (I started taking showers immediately after swallowing their pill and managed to hork most of them back up)
My asthma continued to worsen for years, and the people around me--medical professionals and layfolk--continuously attempted to either trick or force me into taking psychopharma whenever I had flare ups. (I have since cut all of these people out of my personal life)
I did not receive a diagnosis until I finally landed in the ER. When the ambulance arrived I was minutes from suffocating. It turns out I have a significantly lower than average lung capacity, plus an enlarged right ventricle as a result of long term chronic untreated asthma.
Another example of "fighting fire with gasoline":
As a nonwhite person from a lower socioeconomic background--I have come to accept through experience that it is very unlikely for someone like me to ever receive a PTSD diagnosis, and any kind of visible symptom I display will be interpreted as psychosis. The "treatment" for psychosis entails activating every single possible trigger that will send my PTSD into unmanageable overdrive.
As someone who has never actively sought help for being suicidal or mentally out of control, this system seems hell bent on doing everything possible to kill me or at least drive me towards permanent insanity.
I cannot imagine how they expect sexual assault survivors or anyone on the autism spectrum to make it through this system. Or anyone who needs any kind of disability accommodation whatsoever.
It has been almost 10 years and I still have frequent nightmares about what happened.

But honestly like even if they see like whatever man like honestly nobody gets paid enough to give a fuck in this town like, I mean shit dawg it's been hard being a dope adiled demon, pumping semen out and leaving, but I'm scheming on some ways to get some weed and maybe cement, my own sadness into greed. Infantilize and then agree, it's in my eyes, I'll always see, an exit with a strategy
Anyway.

I.

If it rhymes it gets written down
I got lots of words I've been shitting out
I've been spitting loud as my throat allows
All while cutting substances into mounds

II.

Like I'm Max Mermelstein
Pax burning, we stay high as these stacked burners
In Saul's office, with a Sawzall, on the hunt for rough diamonds on call

III.

It's a Far Cry from the ideal life
Tar eyed with the high heeled strife
Marred by all the stars in the light bulbs that be keeping up nights

IV.

Onion patches harvest brown and white
Tried to jump but I'm afraid of heights
Yet high as kite, I've been dying all night
But I stay alive purely out of spite

V.

But maybe I'll find a way out of this coffin
I'm fighting with flight and my answer is often
To make hate while the sun is wafting aromas
Of cannabis flowers, just flipped to 12 hours

VI.

So it only gets worse, leaving here in a hearse
Delusions of grandeur and statements so terse
Nobody ever cared, not the second or first time
The boy who cried suicide stood on his words

VII.

I've a long ways to go before I make it home
I'm a little bit manic and not even stoned
But the Seroquel paints such a beautiful tone
Across the canvas that is my stupified dome

currently on 150 mg lamotrigine and going up in order to manage the mood swings.
ever since my first full-on manic episode in august I’ve lost the ability to feel tired. I’ve only been hypomanic since and then depressive suicidal for a few weeks. And then the cycle begins anew.
I get tired but it’s never enough to fall asleep. I can only fall asleep at 2 am. And then when I wake up after six hours of sleep, I feel destroyed. I have to drink ten cups of coffee just to be functional.
I’ve got to quit seroquel because it makes it challenging to maintain my weight. I take just 75 mg, so there’s no antipsychotic effect. However this is enough to make me very hungry at night. And then throughout the day, I notice that it takes more food than usual to feel satiated.
Seroquel is magical. Not only does it sedate me, but there’s this immense feeling of tranquility. It’s this sensation that everything is okay. Antipsychotics give me a glimpse of what life must be like for the neurotypical. These medications are an emergency stop to my restlessness, obsessions, delusions, and lack of internal peace. I just wish they didn’t fuck with my appetite and metabolism.
How do you relax before bed? How is it even possible? How do you sleep without a hypnotic? I’ve forgotten how to do this.

I’ve been on seroquel since I was ~15.
I’m now 21. I’ve gained so much weight, which is triggering because I’ve had disordered eating in the past.
I was put on 400mg at the age of 15. My doctor saw me one time in a psychiatric unit and put me on it. Along with nearly every single kid in the unit. Now I’m reliant on it for sleep, and I sincerely question why they wouldn’t explore another medication first. Why was every single kid put on this medication? I had no problems with my sleep before this med. Now I have a whole other problem.
I’m now on 75mg. I absolutely hate how it makes me feel. I turn into a literal zombie at night. I can’t think. I eat the entire fridge. There have been times where my partner will try to have a serious conversation with me and I physically can’t stay awake.
I’ve gained 60 pounds. I credit some to normal puberty and body changes, but even recently, it’s absurd.
I’m no where near having kids, but my partner said they don’t want to have kids with me if I’m on the med. I agree. I wouldn’t be able to wake up to cries, if something happened during the night I’d be useless, etc.
But every time my medication goes down, I have an awful rebound effect. I mean awful. I went from 200 to 100 two summers ago and almost ended up in the hospital again. Severe depression.
A few months ago I went from 100 to 75, and, again, so bad. Not as bad, but severe depression, suicidal thoughts, etc.
Summers are hard for me because my partner and friends are away (I stay in my college town- I’m a junior here). The school year is bad because next year I begin my internship at DHHS. Where I need to not be depressed.
I just don’t know when to decrease my med. I hate being on it but the rebound effect is so bad. I hate that I was ever put on this medication.

This is my first post, not sure whether it's my last. I got diagnosed with ADHD officially last year,though growing up i've always been this weirdo literature nerd that always got bullied, and i was always nicknamed 'passenger' or smiling machine because of my disruptive daydreaming. Some struggles like forgetfulness or disorganisation or prioritizing have definitely followed me to my adulthood. Being young, things like going to board the school bus but you've forgotten your school bag can be forgiven, or getting lists of two things only written down because of the forgetfulness.
I am 24 right now, nothing has changed. I still go to a friend's house and absentmindedly walk out without my laptop, bag etc I have recently lost my 11th phone in a car, this time it went with my laptop and everything in it. I feel so stupid, though my grades are surprisingly good.
Here's a little background to my story: I have been raised by my grandparents since i was 2, in Kenya. After my highschool, at 17, i went to the capital city, Nairobi, and was staying alone as i pursued my diploma. I thereafter started living with my dad and stepmum to pursue my degree, currently in my final year of studying journalism. My dad is quite a perfectionist, my step-mum is conservative and i am still a weirdo. This is one of the many reasons i want to end my life...i just don't feel like i fit in anywhere, i feel like everybody hates me and i have never really met anyone like me. My fights with my dad and step-mum have always been around being disorganised and cluttered in their space, no one understands my sensory issues, no one understands my anxiety issues and the amount of times i've misplaced keys and anything that has to be kept track of is crazy. I have broken my ankle just when casually walking, i break stuff, it takes me super long to complete anything at all...Keeping track of events that have happened or things has always been an issue,so i became fond of 'I don't know.' This however turned to me making stuff up in cases where i can't fill the gaps, or forgetting my own lie really quick and therefore somewhat unreliable. My dad and step-mum have branded me a compulsive liar, and i didn't even know what tf that meant till 2 days ago when i randomly decided to look it up. I didn;t know that's a thing. Long story short, within the 2-3 years of living with my dad and step mum, i have been called Disorganised, selfish, Forgetful&unreliable, bright but mind full of trash, cluttered, compulsive liar etc.
I was taken off seroquel and all anti-depressants...because i was diagnosed with severe ADHD but this pschologists think i have Autism too. They need me to be on ADHD meds and therapy, but they feel like they can't work with me unless they fully engage my parents. Yea my parents refused all that, they just want me to finish school and never be under their roof.
At this point it's like the only thing happening is me being caught up in conflicts with my family and 'friends' because i have no idea whether i have friends friends. I feel so alone and i just wanna die so that i ain't a burden to anyone. No one would probably notice when i'm gone, and in my suicide note imma request my body to be cremated because i don't like the idea of rotting. I feel like no one wants to be friends because i'm awkward and i'm still into Greek mythology and literature stuff. I always have no one to talk to.
I want to move out and try independence and fending for myself, while they hopefully continue paying for my school fees. I am honestly thinking of an OD or poison one week from now, but if i change my mind, it has to be on my 25th birthday on 13th April 2025 if things don't work out at all. (Thanks for reading the whole thing).

This is my first post, not sure whether it's my last. I got diagnosed with ADHD officially last year,though growing up i've always been this weirdo literature nerd that always got bullied, and i was always nicknamed 'passenger' or smiling machine because of my disruptive daydreaming. Some struggles like forgetfulness or disorganisation or prioritizing have definitely followed me to my adulthood. Being young, things like going to board the school bus but you've forgotten your school bag can be forgiven, or getting lists of two things only written down because of the forgetfulness.
I am 24 right now, nothing has changed. I still go to a friend's house and absentmindedly walk out without my laptop, bag etc I have recently lost my 11th phone in a car, this time it went with my laptop and everything in it.
Here's a little background to my story: I have been raised by my grandparents since i was 2, in Kenya. After my highschool, at 17, i went to the capital city, Nairobi, and was staying alone as i pursued my diploma. I thereafter started living with my dad and stepmum to pursue my degree, currently in my final year of studying journalism. My dad is quite a perfectionist, my step-mum is conservative and i am still a weirdo. This is one of the many reasons i want to end my life...i just don't feel like i fit in anywhere, i feel like everybody hates me and i have never really met anyone like me. My fights with my dad and step-mum have always been around being disorganised and cluttered in their space, no one understands my sensory issues, no one understands my anxiety issues and the amount of times i've misplaced keys and anything that has to be kept track of is crazy. I have broken my ankle just when casually walking, i break stuff, it takes me super long to complete anything at all...Keeping track of events that have happened or things has always been an issue,so i became fond of 'I don't know.' This however turned to me making stuff up in cases where i can't fill the gaps, or forgetting my own lie really quick and therefore somewhat unreliable. My dad and step-mum have branded me a compulsive liar, and i didn't even know what tf that meant till 2 days ago when i randomly decided to look it up. I didn;t know that's a thing. Long story short, within the 2-3 years of living with my dad and step mum, i have been called Disorganised, selfish, Forgetful&unreliable, bright but mind full of trash, cluttered, compulsive liar etc.
I was taken off seroquel and all anti-depressants...because i was diagnosed with severe ADHD but this pschologists think i have Autism too. They need me to be on ADHD meds and therapy, but they feel like they can't work with me unless they fully engage my parents. Yea my parents refused all that, they just want me to finish school and never be under their roof.
At this point it's like the only thing happening is me being caught up in conflicts with my family and 'friends' because i have no idea whether i have friends friends. I feel so alone and i just wanna die so that i ain't a burden to anyone. No one would probably notice when i'm gone, and in my suicide note imma request my body to be cremated because i don't like the idea of rotting. I feel like no one wants to be friends because i'm awkward and i'm still into Greek mythology and literature stuff. I always have no one to talk to.
I want to move out and try independence and fending for myself, while they hopefully continue paying for my school fees. I am honestly thinking of an OD or poison one week from now, but if i change my mind, it has to be on my 25th birthday on 13th April 2025 if things don't work out at all. (Thanks for reading the whole thing).

Hi,
So as topic says i am at so bad condition i am thinking about throwing my life away although i fear so much i cant do anything to myself😭
So last year summer i taked 3 25mg quetiapine doses alongside brintellix antidepressant. I remember at some point i experienced scary moment where my physical feeling in head changed and dissapeared almost completely. Since then i have suffered about that my head feels totally different/abnormal and physically empty😭
So has anyone experienced something like that where you head dont feel normal and shaking head dont cause same physical feeling what it has caused before? Since this happened last year is there is still hope for healing? I am still at different antidepressant but i throw all meds to garbage if being med free makes healing possible? Otherwise I'm so angry with myself and everyone else that I'd rather end my life completely while living with this change/damage😞