Hi all,
Can't remember the last time I posted here. I have had a lot of therapists for different things over the years, but there's always been a lot of shame about my MRA and incel adjacent past. It's still there a little bit despite having been in a long distance relationship for over 2 years now.
I am not sure exactly what feelings trigger it (well, quite often it's Facebook posts and acquaintances) but sometimes I will get a sporadic urge to Google stuff like "are women smarter than men", "do men have too much confidence", "am I treating my women like a therapist", "will women feel better and safer if I think of myself as a weak loser" etc. The algorithm has also fed me a lot of feminist and women's adjacent support groups, stuff from TwitteX, generally viral content. Lastly, my best friend has recently come out as a non-binary person and I came out as bicurious to my dad, which was has been quite a big change and meant that we have been talking a lot about gender, sexism, feminism and stuff. It's been good for our friendship, actually--but also has been very strange, since they lived abroad until 2019, and they only really started to think at length about politics a little before then. So I'd been down playing my engagement in MRA spaces for years, and the few times that my 'redpill rage' had come out had been, let's just say awkward and unpleasant for everyone.
I have always felt a weird mix of a feeling of pain or discomfort reading "ugh men" vents (such that it sets off my anxiety) and an inability to walk away from it unphased. Historically I used to argue with the positions (i.e. I was a debate bro), and eventually as with many guys in my situation, I ended up in the MRA and antifeminist spaces including TRP.
The support I got from men's spaces was, in fairness, mixed, not straightforwardly terrible. There are people who are antifeminist and support feminine men (in fact they are mainly against feminism for, in their mind, not being fully supportive of men's liberation) and there are people (mainly conservatives and traditionalists) who basically hate feminine men or men breaking gender roles *even more* than they hate feminists or women breaking them. In fact, to my surprise misogyny and embrace of queer and GNC men does not always have a strict correlation; some of my friends from this period were gay misogynists who did a self-consciously homoerotic MGTOW praxis. Despite this I was never quite comfortable, especially around the tradcons, and I felt like my egalitarian tendencies were policed so as to fit the political image of a good non-feminist.
At some point a few years ago I turned against the MRM and especially redpill. In my mind this is a famous turn, I know that sounds like Main Character Syndrome and it kind of is, but it feels fairly integral to my personal growth. It was near the end of this period that I started getting close to my now-partner, too. Generally 2020-2022 were painful but strangely remembered as a mostly *good* period of my life, and especially for my social media friendship network. (Yes, the lockdown, I know, it was strange)
The last year or so has felt slightly more stagnant. I've felt a bit better in the last month, but from, like, September-March or something I felt pretty low and frustrated that I wasn't making progress while people were growing and moving on without me.
A lot of people who I was sufficiently close to to not cut off question whether this turn (basically becoming self-conscious about my history and the dormant misogyny) was entirely healthy, as it seemed like at first I was downplaying my grievances with feminism in order to fit in with progressives as part of political organising. Later on it seemed as if my efforts to fit in had resulted in me internalising guilt *for* being a man, which was harmful since fitting in in such spaces failed. (I made more friends outside of activist communities than in)
I couldn't understand how critiques could be made without internalising it? Like, in my mind, if men were causing most of society's problems in virtue of our socialisation, then it would be on me to be less outspoken, more self-doubting, more agreeable and so on. I found myself becoming more of a female/femme supremacist, in fact. This was crazy to people who had known me as MGTOW, etc.
I realised that this interpretation of the vents might be a problem when I had boundary issues with a friend (close and online). He confessed to having a crush on me and asked me out, and it took around 2 months. During this time, he was sending me gay porn or romantic yaoi against my will, saying 'Us' and basically shipping us with the characters. I was advised that I had actually been sexually harassed and was absolutely entitled to be so blunt with him. Instead I felt partially a sense of affinity and pity for his loneliness (as he is lonely), and in part a guilt because he's in the closet irl. It felt like I had a duty as an LGBT ally to give him a space to express himself. We are still friends but the boundary issues are still there and it does frustrate me. Neither of us handled low contact very well.
As to my 'debate bro' tendencies--I shifted away from gender stuff and started studying philosophy for myself. However, this comes with more self-doubt spirals, which I seem prone to. Firstly, I've just lost the same confidence to discuss stuff as I had with men's and gender issues, since I'm painfully aware I'm a noob/student and have soooo much to learn. There aren't a lot of women I encounter into the topic (at least as amateurs--I have met and befriended or sought counsel from some wonderful retired professors) and I am not sure why. I could understand it in academia due to the discrimination, but why not online? Regardless, It's as if more people were interested in giving their take on relationship scenarios and general life stuff than this.
Secondly, I have a strangely *gendered* imposter syndrome. When I am offline I'm more grounded but when I've been reading and talking to myself for a while I start engaging in what I suppose is magical thinking, that the reason they (women) don't engage is because they are ahead of me, they already know it all and now it's boring to them. There is this persistent idea that women in general think I'm an idiotic manchild and I have to figure out how to change that because I feel chronically behind in everything I do. I extrapolate this from how smart and successful a lot of my fb girl friends are.
Sometimes it feels like not everyone has liked the personality changes I've gone through. After around half a year of being somebody I'd be casually DMing about stuff on the reg, one of my friends (again a femme-presenting/socialised non-binary person, they/she) suddenly U-turned. They decided they didn't want to hear my vents anymore and that I needed therapy for OCD and relationship problems (as I had vented to this friend about frustrations with my girlfriend and metamour, this being a poly LDR.) They did not cut me off entirely but they did stop engaging with a lot of my posts then (often ruminating.) This was difficult for me since this friend, she was one of the reasons I got out of the incel headspace in the first place, and I admit I had a crush on her for a while. It particularly hurt that she said that if I persist then she will expect payment as if a therapist, since to my mind this was basically somebody taking away my Normal Guy card and putting me back in incel state. In fairness, they seem to have decided to leave Facebook. But I still have some feeling of abandonment which keeps coming up in therapy. I hadn't really perceived that there had been underlying tensions about sharing stuff, and had thought our conversations were quite balanced and covered a lot of things. Naturally this led me to obsess and ruminate over emotional labour, which were only made worse when I came to this friend for support after being physically assaulted on my way home (they set the boundary before I actually got to share the story.) Fortunately my partner doesn't (as far as I know) feel like I expect too much or at least feels that I reciprocate.
The friend *did* recommend and refer me to an online OCD support group, and I have tried to engage with the recommended support group. It has been useful to some extent, particularly to encourage me to reconsider compulsive reassurance seeking--but it didn't really fully help with my feelings of e.g. assertiveness. I have felt that talk therapy would benefit me even if I would still need to work on reducing my *public* venting
My therapist (who is not primarily an OCD specialist). Her advice so far has been
i) That given what I had shared about my childhood experiences at home and in school, my thought patterns sound more like trauma than misogyny (I feel guilt whenever I feel or express anger at my mom though)
ii) That being disabled and neurodivergent, I technically have my own intersection which should be taken into account when hearing vents about men, patriarchy, male privilege etc.
iii) That social media generally, owing to the negative comparison behaviour, and *particularly* compulsively reading safe spaces, owing to the above points, might not be doing well for my mental health (at least not right now)
iv) That if anything we need to focus on my being MORE selfish and focussed on my own feelings, because I often either rationalise or start justifying how others treat me based upon their own issues and life context, which derails the session by giving e.g. my mum's, friends' life story, placing our conversations in social context of systemic power structures and so on.
I am really not sure how to handle that information, especially the stuff about trauma--i.e. that I might *not* be a closet misogynist even if I feel like it when I have the 'not all men' defensive reaction. I feel like a troll even sharing this. How do I know that the stuff which is exhausting me isn't just basic caregiving stuff women have been expected to do forever? etc.
What I do know is that my rumination is (as the friend who's withdrawn). The most noticeable symptom is just that it fuels social media addiction, which of course means that I either don't get to do my own hobbies (or studies) or that I socialise less. Which is obviously a problem considering you have to be proactive when dating in poly, and I want to build my social skills anyway. The second is that it's made me hypervigilant to doing 'selfish' things. I have not stopped exercising entirely, but I have been unable to keep up with the gym/strength training as it's time consuming to get to the gym. My girlfriend is aware of my people pleasing tendencies, but I still feel like I'm being a bad partner when I'm unavailable for dates because I'm outside. But I also feel ashamed that I'm inconsistent with training; I am not out of shape by general health standards, but I am by instagram fitness culture. This sets off yet another rumination, since I've followed a lot of athletes and influencers, that the fact I don't look like them but instead waste my time on social media debate *is* because I'm stupid, and that my insecurity about this is its own kind of misogyny, etc.
Thanks to everyone who read all of that. Not sure how to tl;dr but the essence is I';m not sure what to make of my therapist's advice, really. It seems to contradict the zeitgeist, and discussing it anywhere except *in* therapy seems to enable sexist trolls and just generally be a shitty thing to do. But...I can't afford this forever, heh
​

For years, it felt like the social media landscape didn’t change much.

New apps came, new apps went, and the last one to really make a dent in the market was TikTok back in 2020.

But in the nine months since billionaire Elon Musk bought Twitter, there has been a flurry of activity — multiple copycat apps have been released as users seek an alternative as the bird app changes under new leadership. The latest rival, Threads, was launched by Facebook-parent Meta and got a stunning start earlier this month.
CNN broke down some of the biggest and buzziest social media platforms — how they work, who they’re for and who runs them.

Facebook … when you’re looking for community (or used furniture)

With more than 2 billion daily users around the world, it’s tricky to describe the stereotypical Facebook user. Some come for Facebook Marketplace, which lets users buy and sell everything from vintage furniture to used cars. Many others come looking for community — whether that’s photo updates from their great aunt’s bridge night, or online groups dedicated to new parents or people navigating health challenges. But some of those communities have created serious issues, including groups that have spread vaccine misinformation or those that used the platform to help organize the January 6, 2021, US Capitol attack.

Instagram … when you’re looking to feel envious

What started as a photo-sharing app for friends has morphed into a place where the goal is apparently to try to make yourself look hotter, more fun and more well-traveled than everyone else. Whether you’re looking at “lifestyle” tips from influencers, sponsored fashion or home décor content or photos from your high school crush’s summer Italy trip — it’s all there. That culture can make the platform fun and inspirational, but it’s also raised concerns about the app’s impact on users’ mental health, especially for young girls.

Pinterest … when you’re looking for inspiration

Pinterest lets users easily search for and organize visual-heavy inspiration on a wide range of creative topics. Planting a garden? Planning a wedding? Renovating an old home by hand? This is the platform for you. Pinterest has also been rolling out features to let users shop directly from their feeds.

TikTok … when you’re looking for entertainment

TikTok is no longer just an app for dancing teens, but many people still scroll (and scroll, and scroll) the shortform video app when they’re looking to be entertained. The platform serves up zippy videos on everything from news and book recommendations to comedy and “get ready with me” style makeup tutorials, and sometimes content about conspiracy theories or solving crime.

Snapchat … when you’re looking to chat with friends

Snapchat is generally known as the platform young people use to exchange quick, real-time photos or messages with their friends or family. The photos and chats disappear by default, so the app feels more ephemeral than other platforms designed to help users cultivate an online persona (although some parents and lawmakers have raised concerns about the safety for young people of an app where content disappears). Snapchat is also known for popularizing face-altering filters.

YouTube… when you’re looking for something to watch

The original video-based social network, YouTube has over the years brought the internet hits like “Charlie Bit My Finger,” “Keyboard Cat” and “David After Dentist” and launched countless influencers’ careers. YouTube has in recent years worked to crack down on various forms of misinformation, although it recently rolled back a policy that had prohibited election denialism content. The platform is now trying to take on TikTok with its “YouTube Shorts” short video feature.

Nextdoor … when you’re looking for info about your neighborhood

If you want to gossip about the neighbor who refuses to cut their lawn, advertise a garage sale, seek help finding a lost dog or ask for tips on where to send your kids for summer camp, Nextdoor will be helpful. The platform lets users connect with other people in their immediate geographic area — but please, be nice.

Discord … when you’re looking to play the same game with your friends

This free text, voice and video chat service is known for its popularity with teens and video gamers. The platform, which feels sort of like an evolution from early AOL chat rooms, now hosts community forums for everything from union organizers and hiking groups to meme enthusiasts and people interested in the metaverse. But Discord has also received attention for its dark side, including issues like racist memes, sexually explicit content and, recently, being the site of a major leak of US classified documents.

Twitch … when you’re looking to watch someone else play your favorite games

Imagine YouTube, but where every video on the front page is a live feed of somebody playing a video game. Countless streamers compete for your loyalty on camera as they crack jokes, respond to their viewers’ text chats and try to pull off the most exciting plays. The platform, which has been known to host a politician or two, also promotes video streams devoted to music, art, sports, and cooking.

LinkedIn … when you’re looking to network

Long gone are the days when LinkedIn was merely a place to publicly post your resume and update it only once every few years when looking for a new job. Now, the platform is a place for users to post career updates, share news and, for some, to pontificate on their thoughts about remote working, how to raise venture capital or how to choose the right candidate to hire. Beware of the occasional CEO tearfully discussing their company’s layoffs.

Truth Social … when you’re looking for right-wing political commentary

This alternative, Twitter copycat platform backed by Donald Trump launched last year as a way for the former president to reach his fans after being suspended from mainstream platforms in the wake of the January 6, 2021, attack on the US Capitol. The platform remains largely populated by Trump and his associates, as well as other far-right political and media figures. The app also features a range of spammy advertisers, hawking things like a “free guide” for “US Dollar Doomsday” or “purple liquid” that “burns body fat like crazy.”

Reddit … when you’re looking to learn about niche subjects

Billing itself as the “front page of the internet,” Reddit is one of the few remaining social platforms that still feels like a giant watercooler discussion. The platform offers up a veritable smorgasbord of topics users can either flit between casually — a cute chinchilla video here, a literary discussion there — or follow down a deep rabbit hole. Its communities are self-managed, relying on volunteer users to make forum-specific rules and to moderate content. Lately, however, Reddit has alienated some of its users with some unpopular business decisions.

Twitter (aka X) … when you’re looking for what’s going on (for now)

For years, Twitter was a central hub for real-time news. It was a place for ordinary people to read and engage in conversation with celebrities, business leaders and other newsmakers. But the platform has been upended since billionaire Elon Musk bought it last October. He has made a series of controversial changes and policy decisions — such as cuts to staff and restoring accounts of previously banned users, including some neo-Nazis — that have left many users and advertisers seeking alternative platforms. Most recently, Musk did away with Twitter’s iconic bird logo and replaced it with “X” branding.

Threads … when you’re looking for musings from your favorite influencers, celebs and journalists

The latest Twitter competitor, Threads, was launched by Facebook and Instagram parent company Meta. The platform looks a lot like Twitter, with a feed of largely text-based posts — in addition to photos and videos — where people can have real-time conversations. The app attracted a stunning 100 million signups within a week of its launch, although usage has slowed somewhat since. But unlike Twitter, Threads says it doesn’t plan to lean heavily into news content and an influx of Instagram influencers has given it a tamer vibe.

Bluesky Social … when you’re looking for an alternative to Twitter

This Twitter copycat app, backed by Twitter co-founder and former CEO Jack Dorsey, calls itself a site for “microblogging.” It looks nearly identical to Twitter, albeit without key features like hashtags and direct messages. But the app runs on a decentralized network, providing users with more control over how the service is run, data is stored and content is moderated. The app is invite-only, so its audience and feed remain limited, but it gained early traction from public figures looking to spend less time on Twitter, including Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez and model Chrissy Teigen.

Hi there wonderful Reddit strangers. Thank you in advance for any assistance or guidance you can provide. First, what I would like to accomplish; second, my current life and financial situation; and third, my questions:
What I Want to Accomplish
I want to "soft retire" by 55. I'm currently 40. Upon retirement, I want to cut my work hours to 20 or so per week, and spend a good deal of time traveling.
My Current Life & Financial Situation
I'm married, my wife and I are both 40, and we have no children. We will not be having children. We live in Charlotte, NC. I own a law firm and I teach entrepreneurship at a local university, part-time. My wife has been unemployed for a bit, but she just graduated with her Masters in Social Work, and she is beginning a part-time job as a mental health counselor in the next month.
First, income. My 2023 employment-based income:

• $100,000 in salary from my law firm
• $360,000 in distributions from my law firm
• $5,000 or so from teaching

I expect my income to grow each year, possibly by 10-15% or so, year-over-year. My field is recession-proof, generally, and we're working on growing the firm by adding more lawyers each year. We have 6 now (after 2 years of operation) and we'd like to ultimately have 12. I have one law partner that I split all firm profits with, 50/50.
When my wife begins work in the next month (1099 independent contractor), she will make around $20,000 / year.
Other than my job, I own a rental property, but I rent it to friends of mine who are wonderful tenants. They pay me just a bit more than the $1,700 mortgage each month, although I could get around $2,300 / month if I were to rent it out at market rate to someone else. They've lived there for 3+ years and I've never had to do anything to maintain or repair the property--they take good care of it and pay rent. My rental property is a wash and I break about even.
Second, assets and liabilities. My current assets and liabilities are:

Description	Asset Value	Debt
Primary Residence	$715,000	$315,000 (3.63% APR, 30 year mortgage, with 26 years left)
Rental Property (across the street)	$550,000	$218,000 (3.75% APR, 30 year mortgage, with 22 years left)
2024 BMW	$60,000	$0 (purchased in cash)
Mutual Funds managed by Financial Advisor	$381,000	$0
SoFi Savings Account (4.75% APR)	$83,000	$0 (we were saving money to buy a second home in NYC, but now we're saving to add on to our current home, see below)
IRA (rolled over from 401k with my previous employer)	$97,000	$0
My 401k	$56,000	$0
Wife's 401k	$43,000	$0
Ally Savings Account (4.75% APR, and I'm using this money exclusively to assist my aging parents, who are in ill health)	$62,000	$0
Chase Bank checking and savings	$50,000	$0
Wife's student loan	N/A	$28,000 (unknown interest rate because she graduated recently, but the are federally subsidized loans)
TOTAL	$2,097,000	$561,000

Re: retirement savings, I started late in life. Because I don't have much knowledge re: retirement savings, I hired a financial advisor. The advisor charges 1% of all investments I have with him, each year, as a management fee. My wife and I are both employed by the firm, and we max out our 401k each year. I also deposit $10,000 into my brokerage account each month, for investment by my financial advisor. The money is invested in a mix of funds and has grown very well in the last couple of years.
Finally, we have a couple of expenditures I expect to incur in the next 2 years. Our home is relatively small and not well suited for 2 people working from home. Therefore, we intend to undertake a $500,000 renovation in the next year or so. Other than this, my wife and I moved to Charlotte from New York, so we'd like to spend more time in NYC. This may mean renting an apartment there in the next 2 years, or so. We would spend around $4,000/month renting a place (we looked at buying and it was insanely expensive, and more reasonable to rent because we can stop renting at the end of any lease term). If we rented a place in NYC, we would spend no more than 6 months there, to avoid paying state or city taxes in NY.
My Questions
When I met with my financial planner initially, they gave me some incredibly high and unobtainable amount of money that I would need to retire (something like $11,000,000). I don't agree with their number and I'm trying to dial in on what exactly I will need to retire. My plan is to "soft retire" at 55. That likely means working part-time as a lawyer and teacher. I would expect to make around $200,000 or so (net, today's dollars) working part-time, upon retirement at 55. So my first question: what amount of money will I need to "soft retire," at 55? Let's assume my wife and I, combined, will spend around $150,000 per year upon "soft retirement." So effectively, we can live off of my income and bank $50,000 or so for further retirement savings, each year, upon soft retirement at 55.
My rental house is another conundrum for me. I could sell my rental house upon "hard retirement" (when I actually stop working), if that makes financial sense. It would give me a big influx of cash for retirement, and the property will likely be worth much more in the future (it's in an incredibly desirable part of Charlotte with insane growth around it). But it could also be a good source of passive income in retirement. So my second question: should I sell my rental house or keep it, and if I should sell it, when?
Assuming all of the above, my third question: at what age could I comfortably "hard retire" (meaning, stop working entirely)? I'd like to do this around 65, if possible.
Finally, my last question: what retirement savings elements am I missing? I'm maxing out 401k and putting $10,000/month into brokerage accounts. Is there anything else I should be doing?
Thank you again, in advance, for any assistance or guidance you can provide me! I appreciate your time!

I know it’s not the most preferred method but these are really my only 2 options without waiting for possibly 2 years (health insurance) or travelling ( way too expensive). I have pinhole phimosis and would say I’m a grower when erect. Im not too worried about style as it will still be 1000x better than now.
Anyone have experience with gentle procedures clinic also? Thanks

Okay I'm writing down more concrete stuff for my collection of scenarios I'm making into a campaign and one of them is the first part of future perfect, which I'm planning to run as one of the earlier ones. I really like the concept of the threat being a time traveled dinosaur, and I know that the later parts of it are a bit not favored among the general fanbase, and they don't really interest me in general so I want to run it as a disconnected scenario.
However I think maybe due to it's age I feel like it could use some tweaks so I would like to hear some suggestions.
1) The whole section with the portal feels a bit too unfair, it's pretty hard to figure out how the cube works and I would like to make it a bit more forgiving, the fact that they can't come back from the portal is also a bit sad, as I think it could lead to some fun scenarios, but I understand that replacing that could potentially be making it too safe. (maybe it could just have a huge sanity cost loss or adverse health effects or smth)
2) The whole ending bit with Grunning feels a bit tacked on, though I think it's there to connect the parts more closely together, I'm honestly down with just cutting it entirely but curious to hear your suggestions.
3) This one isn't really a change but more so advice on when to use the dinosaur, in your guys' opinion which would be the best opportunities to have it attack the agents.

Demographics: Female indian, competitive high school, high income
Intended Major(s): CS or Data Science
SAT: 1590, 800 math 790 ebrw
GPA: unweighted 4.0 / weighted 4.74
Classes: APs Taken/Taking/Will Take: AP Calc BC (5), AP CSA (5), AP Physics 1 (5), AP Lang, APUSH, AP Bio, AP Physics C, AP Spanish Lang, AP CSP (self study), AP Stats, AP Physics 2, AP Chem, AP Lit, AP Gov, AP Micro, AP Macro
Other relevant classes: calc 3, linear algebra, some engineering classes
Awards: Volunteering Awards FBLA 1st in state for business event 1st place at school hackathon Science fair gold x2 at state fair Best research paper award at public health conference Biogeneius winner at state level AP Scholar
Extracurriculars:
(hope to be published thru at least one of the research ecs) 1. Computational bio research with a pathologist, 2. Internship with professor on AI research 3. Summer program internship at local university lab, diabetes + comp sci research 4. Intern for nonprofit public health org 5. VP of nonprofit holding STEM clubs at local and underprivileged middle schools 6. Debate executive board 7. Science fair since 7th grade 8. Volunteer project every summer collecting a hundreds of books and donating 9. CS, math, engineering tutor @ school 10. FBLA 11. NHS
LOR: Calc 3/linear alegra teacher: 8/10 Physics teacher: 7/10 APUSH teacher: 7/10
Essays: 7.5/10, not that great at writing
Schools: UCB, UChicago, UIUC, Cornell, WashU general t20s
I want to apply CS but i don’t think my profile has much pure CS, so would it be better to apply computational bio?
Also anxious since I don’t think I’ll get into many t20s bc it’s mostly down to luck, would appreciate any suggestions on how to strengthen profile, thanks!!

​
Cliff Smith grunts as he wraps his hands around the barbell, bends his knees, and lowers his six-foot-three frame toward the floor. He tenses his entire body, exhales twice, and starts pulling 455 pounds upward. His legs shake as he stands fully upright, and then he lowers the weight, breathes deeply, and does it all over again. He does five total reps, then drops the bar and smiles. "Ain't even winded," he says. "Holla at me. "
The five reps are a personal best for Smith (better known as Method Man), who loves starting his day by chasing PRs.
On this morning, he's in a Staten Island gym pondering his next milestone birthday (he turns 50 in March) and crushing sets of deadlifts, pullups, and barbell rows. "I gotta get my roses now," he says,"because I'm almost 50 fucking years old. Damn near 50 years old, bruh. "The Grammy Award-winning rap veteran has focused creativity into a host of projects lately. He appears in Starz's drama Power Book II: Ghost (returning for the second half of its first season in December); he voiced the character Ben Urich in Marvels, a narrative-fiction podcast; and he's working on new music.
His morning workout has readied him for all that-and it's kept him from predawn video-game marathons. In 2018, Smith says, he was battling insomnia, frequently waking at 2:00 and playing NBA2K. Realizing he was "just wasting time," Smith searched for a more productive use of his early-morning hours. "So at 4:00 , I find myself in the gym working out," he says. "Two days turned into three days. Three days turned into five days, and I've been consistent ever since. " Bonus: His insomnia is gone.
Smith now weighs 219, 12 pounds less than he weighed when he first started training. He hits legs Mondays, shoulders Tuesdays, back Wednesdays, chest Thursdays, and arms Fridays. "He's a beast," says his workout partner, Joey Crespo. "Our routine has only been heavy, heavy, all year round. "
At the moment, that means gritting out three sets of seated lat pulldowns, followed by a core exercise that has him on his knees, rolling a wheel forward, challenging his abs. He finishes the session by sitting on a bench with a harness connected to his forehead, a weight hanging in front of his chest. He lowers his head to look at the ground, then flexes his neck muscles to raise his head and look straight ahead, an old-school neck exercise that few gym-goers will do. Smith does it regularly. "Regardless of how tired I get, no matter what the workout is, I at least will try it," he says between deep breaths. "I'm not going to say no to anything. "
You may not have Method Man's fancy neck-training gear or his deadlift weight. But if you have a resistance band, you can try his favorite at-home regimen.
Pushups
Do 25 to 30 reps. Aim for 5 sets.
Banded Curl
Stand on a resistance band, its ends held at your sides, your core tight. Curl up, squeezing your biceps; then lower. That's 1 rep; do 15 to Do 5 sets.
Banded Shoulder Press
Stand on a resistance band, its ends held at your shoulders, your core tight. Tighten your shoulder blades and press the band overhead. Pause, then return to the start. That's 1 rep; do 15 to Do 5 sets.
A version of this story originally appears in the November 2020 issue of Men's Health, with the title "The 6 Workout w/ Method Man".

Pa rant lang. I don't want to burden any of my friends kasi eh. So I passed UST, my dream uni and my dream program. UST SHS ako and super hirap dito, I'm from a mediocre private school nung JHS kaya adjusting was really really hard. Plus di ko pa passion yung strand ko which is Health Allied.
My parents wants me to pursue med. But hindi ko talaga kaya. Bobo ako sa science, my current grades are mediocre at best puro line of 8 lang ang mga line of 9 ko lang ay grades sa humanities subjects which is hindi naman main subject ng strand namin kasi we mostly focus on Anaphy, Physics, Chemistry. You get the idea, it's all sciences here.
I was originally gonna go to HUMSS pero gusto ng nanay ko na mag Health Allied ako eh. So I did, sinabi ko sa sarili ko GAS strand din yan. Kaya ko yan.
My grade 11 grades are okay, matataas pa. Pero nung nag grade 12, I got my first line of 7. Line of 7 in Chemistry. Super disappointed sa akin ng mom ko. She wouldn't even look at me just because of a one line of 7 grade. I was so burn out nung time na yon eh. I have no excuses, I know I should have done better.
Ngayong 2nd semester bumabawi naman ako sa Chemistry. Medyo dinalian na rin ng profs namin yung mga quizzes (Napansin ko lang kasi halos buong block namin bumababa sa subject na toh)
Nag release ng USTET results just recently. I was proud kasi nakapasa ako sa prio program ko. Kahit papano di pa pala ako bobo. Kasi di ako nakapasa ng UP even with a UPG of 2.5 (which is sabi nila mataas na raw) siguro marami talagang nag apply.
From health allied strand to an AB course. But looks like hindi na ako pag aaralin ng parents ko dito sa UST. It's time for me to let go. Baka may opportunities pa sa ibang universities, sa mas mura yung hindi ko sila mabuburden.
Ayaw nila sa course ko eh. They don't see it worth it na magUST unless med yung course ko. May score akong 79 sa math subtest sa USTET pati dun galit na galit mom ko. Very disappointed na pati daw USTET subtest ko may line of 7 pa. Mataas English subtest ko kaya siguro ako nakapasok ng Faculty of Arts and letters. Pero pati ba naman yung line of 7 sa subtest pinuna.
Verbally abusive sila eh. Bat kasi hindi nalang ako naging matalino tulad ng mga kapatid ko? Edi sana nagiging proud din sila sa akin. Pero hindi, puro gastos, gala at kahihiyan lang nabibigay ko sakanila.
Sana makapasa nalang ako state universities na inapplyan ko para may sasalo pa sakin sa college. Para kahit papaano hindi ako disappointment. UST is a dream. Thank you sa 2 years na binigay niyo sa akin. Salamat dahil naranasan ko pa rin mag aral sa Big 4. And I'm so sorry dahil hindi ko kayang mabaabot yung expectations niyo. Maybe in my next life, I would be a better, smarter, and a child you would be proud of.

Hi all, I’ve been lurking for a while and following the great advice in this group but still feeling a bit financially clueless. I just have a question about buying a house in retirement vs renting.
We are currently renting and do not own any property. My husband and I are keen travellers and plan to retire a few years early (between 58-60) to full-time budget slow travel the world for as long as we can before coming back home to settle down when our health demands it.
My question is, would it make more financial sense when we have finished our full-time travels, to use our supeinvestments to buy a small apartment or house then, or is it better to keep renting and leave all the money invested?
Renting doesn’t bother me but I think my husband would like a place of our own when we are older which I understand (we’d buy in a regional city near family and something low maintenance and modest). I was wondering how that might affect our plan and what calculations I need to do!
Our annual expenses are $70k and will be retiring when we hit $2million net worth (we estimate will be when we are between 58 to 60).
Thank you all so much :) if you see any holes in our plan please I welcome your advice.

This is the weekly recap of approx. 144 monetized posts from Kylea and Joseph "Joe" Gomez of Kylea G. Weight loss Journey.
(For anyone following longer, she has/they have made approx. 399 posts in 3 weeks. 😲)
💰 🤑 💸 💲 🪙 💶 💰
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Royal Caribbean or WW. I am not a mental health professional. These opinions are my own based on social media content, medical sources, Missouri public court records, and internet searches used primarily to estimate/locate purchases on actual/potential purchases. Due to Kylea heavily editing many posts 3+ times it was difficult to keep up with posts that had been edited vs delete/reposts. I wish no harm to Kylea or Joe Gomez.
Financial Disclosure: I am not a paid content creator or influencer. I have made $0.00 from my work.
"Do not save what is left after spending but spend what is left after saving." Warren Buffett
The tagline of Kylea G Weight loss Journey is, "I changed my life with prayer and a playlist of songs. No surgery, no meds. Just Jesus."
Of the approx. 144 monetized posts last week on the topic of faith:
0/144 discussed which version of the Bible she prefers.
0/144 revealed her church home, a service she attended online/in person, or how she worships when traveling.
0/144 discussed a personal/group Bible study she completes/attends.
0/144 were a favorite scripture or Bible quote.
Of the approx. 144 monetized posts on the topic of music:
5/144 discussed the impact of music on her life.
Of the approx. 144 monetized posts on the topic of health:
4/144 posts contained intentional movement that could possibly be considered exercise
0/144 shared a food, water, or exercise log
0/144 discussed meditation, deep breathing, attending grief group, or therapy for her mental health
0/144 shared reputable medical sources for nutrition or weight loss content. (She mentions WW points but does not list a website or how to access their app.)
0/144 shared a recommendation for another weight loss influencer to follow
0/144 shared a source for recipes
0/144 shared a recipe
So, what is her "weight loss" content about? Let's dive into her purchases to find out.
📢 Disclaimer: Kylea was secretive about the money spent on her Mom and Stepdad for this all expense paid cruise. I strongly feel that these estimates may be lower than the actual amount spent. Buckle in 🚗
Her subtotal from 04/21/24-04/27/24 was $10,094.76 + all applicable taxes, tips, and fees.
(For anyone following longer, her 3 week combined subtotal is $13,193.79 + all applicable taxes, tips, and fees.)
🚨 Per Missouri public court records, she has not satisfied her current medical judgment and is only able to pay $25 per month.
Weekly Takeout Purchases: $154 est + tips
Sunday 04/21/24 Dutch Bros for KG= $8 est + tip; *Possible Dutch Bros for 3 adults= $24 est + tip; Sunflower Bakery & Cafe for 2= $25 est + tip; *Possible Sunflower Bakery & Cafe for 2= $25 est + tip; Starbucks for KG & Joe= $16 est + tip;
Monday 04/22/24 Starbucks Flavored Tea for KG= $6 est + tip; Starbucks Flavored Tea for KG= $6 est + tip;
Wednesday 04/24/24 Starbucks cold brew for KG= $8 est + tip;
Thursday 04/25/24 Starbucks coffee for KG= $8 est + tip; Fresh Pineapple Stand for 2= $5 est + tip; *Possible Fresh Pineapple Stand for 2= $5 est + tip; Coca Cola & Diet Coke at bar on excursion= $5 est + tip; *Possible beverages for 2= $5 est + tip;
Friday 04/26/24 Starbucks Cold Brew for KG= $8 est + tip
📢 These additional shopping/travel expenses do NOT reflect her rent, utilities, phone, 2 car payments, etc.
Additional shopping/travel expenses: $9,940.76 + all applicable taxes, tips, fees
Sunday 04/21/24 Gas from Houston, TX to Galveston, TX= (51mi/33mpg) x $3.85 est = $5.95 est; Target= unknown
Wednesday 04/24/24 Magnet souvenir= $7.99 est; Palo Alto Cafe Artesenal 100% Hondureno coffee beans: $12.50 est; LFK Sloth Farm & Full Island= $109 x 4 Adults = $436 + tip; LFK Resort Mini Pig Add On= $20 x 4 Adults= $80 + tip; Taxi round-trip for 4 Adults= $16 est + tip
Thursday 04/25/24 Chacchoben Ruins Tour (taxi included) $58 x 4 Adults= $232 + tip;
Friday 04/26/24 Mr Sanchos All Day Inclusive Pass= $68 x 4 Adults = $272 + tip; Taxi round-trip for 4 Adults= $34 + tip; Custom Neon Friendship Bracelets for Drue and Kylea= $15 est;
Saturday 04/27/24- Royal Caribbean Fees included an estimated 60% off 2nd guest and 35% off photo packages paid in advance. I believe Kylea used a medical exemption to have a different drink package than Joe.
2 interior rooms for 7 nights = $6,592.96 est; Deluxe Beverage Package for 1 Adult= $80 est per person/day = $560 est; Refreshment Package for 3 Adults= $35 est per person/day = $735 est; VOOM Surf & Stream (Internet) for 2 devices for 2 Adults= $18.99 per person/day = $265.86 est; Photo Package up to 50 prints × 2 = $535.50 est; Parking for SUV for 7 days= $140 est;
⚠️ Trigger Warning: Disordered Eating, Mental illness, and Religion
Final thoughts: 🤔 What have you learned in the last 3 weeks via approx. 399 monetized posts or in the last week via 144 monetized posts to help you on your weight loss/health journey?
I learned that Kylea Gomez glorifies disordered eating in the name of Jesus for monetary gain. She ate 1/4 to 1/5 of her allotted WW points most days of this cruise via photo evidence and posts. I learned she is a vain, narcissist, who I believe is mentally ill, and will exploit anything and everything to live a frivolous lifestyle. She is not budget-wise, financially savvy, and should pay her debt(s). She has NO business offering any form of budget or financial advice.
In general, I am frustrated with social media influencers and paid content creators who REFUSE to disclose how, when, and why they are paid. Your "followers" should know the details of your social media income from the platforms and companies you work with so we can make an informed decision on how we spend our time and money. There is a fine line between advocacy/education/influence and dishonesty/hypocrisy/lack of transparency and accountability.
I am fortunate to have grown up without social media. To all influencers and content creators, we don't NEED you. Quite the opposite. Many of us lived without you once. We can do it again. We will hold you accountable.
All info from Reddit. ✌️

I (29F) have been with my partner (39M) for 6 years.
Bit of background: we have two kids together (4F and 5F). In this time we have been long distance, in bushfires, evacuations, completely broke, suddenly wealthy, and back to broke. We've rented together in various locations, bought a house together, had multiple health scares with ourselves and our families, deaths, funerals, job changes, daycare and schooling difficulties with the kids and moved onto homeschooling (which I do on my own). My partner doesn't need to work - he gets a military pension from an injury and can live off that. I work full time to make up whats needed for food and mortgage and my own prior credit card and car payment debts, and act as his carer.
Over the last 12 months what we want in life has started to change in opposite directions from each other. I want another child, to live in the house we own, make improvements on it and customise it to our liking. I would like to homestead and continue on with our homeschooling, and eventually finish studying so I can get a higher paying job.
My partner on the other hand, wants to sell everything, buy a boat to liveaboard, and travel the world on the boat. He doesn't want anymore kids and is now in rush mode to finish the gardens and a bathroom to sell. He is open about being hard on me because he doesn't like the current state of the world and wants to "prepare me for when he's dead or gone".
I've started questioning what we're doing. How this is going to work. We started wanting different things entirely and I'm very aware he doesn't want to live the remainder of his life in this town. There are multiple comments a week about how he wants to travel and doesn't want to die where we live. I am open to moving to another location or even moving onto a boat like he desires (we've both spent over a decade each on boats/on the water) however it feels like I'm sacrificing everything I want in life in favour of what he wants.
I guess what I'm seeking advice on is - how do I make this work? Lets say I sacrifice the lifestyle I want, how do I move past what feels like mourning on no more children and not placing roots anywhere?
I don't want to end things as I want my kids to grow up in a home with two parents - and I don't want my kids to have to bounce between two homes and schedules and house rules. I do love him, I just don't currently feel *in love* with him and where he wants us to go in life and a lot of it feels like settling.

We all saw this coming. It's been a while since I posted in here. Ever since Traveling Sports Team season has ended my blood pressure has not been as high and I have not have any crazy stories until this week. Which is this one....
If anyone has read my posts before on here you guys will be familiar with this pm supervisor that I refer too often in my stories. Anytime I had a customer give me a hard time at the desk this person would never stand up for me and let their bad behavior continue and basically just let me deal with it on my own. They would even reward their bad behavior often with free breakfasts and discounts. Anyways..
I show up to work on Wednesday last week and was 30 minutes late because I do not have a car and I had to wait for my ride to pick me up from home and drop me off at work. I noticed we were SUPER busy when I walked in with a line out the door even tho we (in my mind) had three people at the desk. I felt like maybe someone had called out at the last minute or something because the vibe at the desk was really weird when I walked in. My coworkers are used to me being late every now and again because everyone knows I do not have a car but it was not that.. it was something else that I just knew was wrong.
After I login to my computer and we get all the check ins finished my coworker turns to me with troubled face and states that "Micro Manager quit". I was VERY shocked. "You mean they called out and quit at the same time or? Cuz I know they did not just quit over the phone with no notice.....". My coworker went on to tell me that they did not quit and call out at the same time and that they did in fact quit. This person has been working at this hotel since 2012 and they have come and gone through the years but here recently they had been working for 3 years back to back with no signs of quitting up until this month.
I have a feeling this person quit because they were hiding a drug addiction, others think this person had mental health issues caused from the extremely entitled customers we deal with on the daily. We all had noticed that for the last month this person was staring at their computer screen with their face a few centimeters away from the computer laughing like an insane person with a blank stare in their eyes. This person was not looking at any funny videos on YouTube or anything like that they were just staring at the arrivals list very closely and laughing like a maniac sometimes for 20-30 minutes a few times through out their shift. This person had finally CRACKED.
The way they quit was over the phone at 1 pm in the afternoon before their 3pm shift started on Wednesday. They called and said they were quitting and moving out of state and that was all that was said. It was really wild that this individual quit the week that our FDM was out of town and the same week that two other members of the front desk were out of town.
Needless to say I am a very happy person and hoping that the new pm supervisor is going to stand up to customers instead of letting them bully their staff around and deny them freebies when they have bad behavior. I can see that this hotel has high turn over with supervisors cuz I have only been here 10 months and we have already gone through two of them since I have been here.

I’m a Brit living in Vietnam on travel insurance for 3 months, and have been told (by an AI app through my work’s private health insurance from UK - not insurance that covers me while I’m here) a small spot I have is high risk potential of melanoma and to get checked within 4 weeks. I’m not sure where to start with finding a doctor here, what the process is, etc. Should I just go and speak to a hospital front desk? Or are there ‘GP’ practice equivalents around that are first bet? Totally unsure of what the set up is over here.
I’m in Saigon right now but in a week heading to Da Nang for a week then Hanoi mid-May to end of June.

This is based on my Harbinger vs Organization XIII post and I thought it would be cool of I made some of the Organization members into Genshin fights. I wanted to start with Luxord since I think he would be the most unique out of the group.
Location: Fontaine in some sort of stage or oversized chess board.
Phase 1: Luxord would start out doing physical damage throwing card in threes. If the card hits the play it lands on the ground. Luxord will periodically throw a die onto the field, it does no damage but the play can hit it to keep it rolling. When the die stops it will land on one of six element(all but Dendro), then for a period of time Luxord's attacks will be imbued with that element and he gains one new attack. He can only have one element at a time.
Anemo: Luxord cards now create a gust of wind sending the player into the air when a card hits the player. Luxord can now make a tornado of cards that stays on the field for a period of time.
Geo: Luxord cards create a Geo pillar when they hit. Luxord now throws a Geo die with either the Traveler's face or Luxord's, the player can hit it to keep it rolling. If the die lands on the player's multiple meteors will land on the area (all dodgeable) if it lands on Luxord's face he gets hit with the meteors.
Electro: Luxord's card now summons a bolt of lightning, destroying the card as well. Luxord throws cards surrounding the outside of the arena, each card summoning a bolt of lighting, he does this four times each one getting closer to the center of the arena.
Hydro: Luxord's card now summon Hydro enemies when they hit. Luxord creates a ring of breakable cards around the player, with a few having the water drip effect. If the player fails to break the card with the water drip effect then a water geyser with hurt the play, if they succeed then Luxord will take damage.
Cryo: Luxord cards now make spikes of ice when they hit the player. Luxord throws three dice onto the field one by one while the field now has the Sheer Cold debuff. They have the Pyro emblem or the Cryo emblem. If it lands on the Cryo emblem the sheer cold meter increase drastically if it lands on Pyro then it decrease. If two of the three dice land of Cryo then the player takes massive damage from Cryo spikes; if it lands on Pyro then Luxord takes damage.
Pyro: Luxord card now explode upon impact but are destroyed. Luxord will throw five large breakable cards, these cards must be destroyed before they burn up. If the player fails to do so a large portion of the area will explode, dealing massive damage. The if the Player succeeds the card with fling back to Luxord dealing damage to him.
Resurrection Phase: Luxord will transform into a card, and shuffle the cards on the field. Three wind gusts appear to allow the play to get a better look at the cards. Luxord's card are the only ones that don't follow the camera. Find his card three times before the time runs out and the player wins, fail and Luxord returns to half health.
Suggestion for the fight: If this fight would exist I would recommend trying to get either Anemo, Electro, or Pyro if you want to face the least amount of risk, however the others have more damage opportunities.
What do yoy think of the fight concept, does it work for Genshin, if so what team comp would you bring into it?

TLDR - I've been seeing a really nice and thoughtful guy that I did really like, but he's made some promises to me that he hasn't kept and its changed how I see him. I want to go back to trusting him and wanting to be with him but I don't know if things will get better.
He (28M) and I(26F) come from pretty different backgrounds, but we both agreed that we wanted more or less the same things for the future very early on in the relationship - as well as some more niche ideals that have made dating a little harder for me, which was great. For myself, some of the big areas that I want to have someone to be on the same page with is a healthy and active lifestyle, drive for self-improvement, and into traveling and exploring, and wants to leave the location we are currently at. Although I am not a gym rat, I am in shape and generally eat well, I am taking steps to advance my career, and I traveled quite a bit. He tells me he wants to do the same, but here's the issue-
He's lived in his tiny home town (~1000 people and 40 minutes from the nearest city) for all but 2-3 years of his life, and moved right back when he was done with college. He hasn't traveled at all except a tiny trips to see family here and there. He hasn't even traveled much to explore the surrounding areas of his hometown, not even the major cities/national parks only a hour or so away. From the start, he has always mentioned how miserable he is in his hometown, wants to move, as well as how much he wants to get out and "explore the world", but he never actually has. He's certainly has had chances to, but just never did. This has really bothered me as its a huge huge goal of mine and I want a partner that not only wants the same, but has actually gone out and done it instead of just saying they want to. Its taken a lot for me to trust him with no prior proof that he does want to at least try it.
Although there is nothing "wrong" with the job he is currently working as well, I know he kinda just took the first opportunity that came his way, even if it wasn't what he was actually looking for, and then stuck around even though he knew he could do a heck of a lot better. Since he's met me, he's made some hurried decisions to try to leave his work and find something better, but I can't help feeling like he wouldn't have done that, or at least any time soon, without me being around him.
When we first met, we met on Tinder, I noticed that pretty early on that he was using some slightly outdated photos of himself to show off his physique that were no longer as accurate. They were nothing over-the-top, just genuine candid pics of him having fun outside while showing a bit of skin. Although I did notice that he was not quite in that shape anymore, I liked him enough that it honestly didn't bother me at all. And I get it, Tinder is hard, so I can see why he'd want to use the best and most natural pics he has to better his odds. However, this is really where he has let me down.
Since I've really had to just blindly trust him that he is capable of what he says he is, with literally nothing to go off of, I've been kinda waiting for an opportunity for him to "prove" that he can follow through with his plans. On about the 4th date, he mentioned and joked that he catfished me a bit, but he was planning on getting back in shape asap. I wanted to believe him so I could have my proof that he is someone who could stick to his plans. I never told him how much I needed for him to keep this promise because I wanted him to also prove he could do it on his own without me begging him. That was 6 months ago, and he's kept mentioning it ever since that he's gunna "get back on his grind" but he still has yet to. And even less than that as he's also mentioned recently that he's gained a significant amount of weight instead. I can't help what I am and am not attracted to, and I am simply not romantically attracted to bigger guys, so I noticed pretty quickly when he started gaining. It's made me realize that he secretly has really bad eating habits, especially when he's under stress, but he is looking to get a more stressful - and sedimentary - job? On top of that, he has health problems that would be severely exasperated if he were ever to really let himself go. He won't admit he has an issue, but I've struggled with binge eating disorder in the past, and it is a demon that I feel like I've gotten past, but only barely, and being around someone falling into those habits would more than likely bring me back to that circle of hell I fought so hard to escape from. I really really needed to see this change in him just to have something to show that he was capable and true to his own word without me intervening and constantly breathing down his neck. But he's let me down.
I feel like I know what it is I must do, but I guess I am looking for advice from anyone who has ever been in a similar situation where things did actually improve and a guy was able to learn how to follow through with his ambitions. I believe that people can't really change who they fundamentally are but they can learn new habits and improve themselves. He's emotionally intelligent enough where I feel he can learn, but am I just being silly? TIA
​

I recently had to properly kick my first ever player, things got a little intense between us for it and well left me on the all sorts of spectrum of emotions sides. I just had to get both feelings and my logic for the reasons for this removal of at the start, a good player and good guy and character that.. to me just started to not be. Maybe to just vent out, maybe to see if I was justified, but also to hope that, if there were points I didnt see or think of at the time that someone can help me think better if a scenario ever bubbles up like this, I have a better headspace to go about things right.
To start, I am more or less a newby forever DM (1 oneshot game to my belt under as a player), my current running campaign is only my second, going 2 years strong now. Its been bumpy recently do to my work schedule last few months but we are nearly up to our 100th session together and things have begun to heat up story wise and excitement wise by my players. Everything's in the story is homebrew more or less, both my own works and others I found and my players bring up to me.
At the start of the game, I had 5 starting players, and the one in question was one of them. We lost a few of them, first sadly I more suggested he leave, as much as he wanted to play, it was to the point he was playing while traveling via busses, planes and others (he traveled alot for his daily life events he couldnt get out of) an never mentioned when these would happen. That went smooth, we were both polite and I wasnt upset with them, just upset a good player like him will have hard times with finding a table. Better ways, would have been having a blast with them to this day. The second was starting to act up, I had to shoot him down a bit hard at times, more so when a new player, a girl, joined up an he started being a bit inappropriate and not act like the character he told me he would be. After I started blocking his more chaotic antics, he pretty much ghosted the group all together. Our third player who left is more on a prolonged hiatus cause of his work schedule, but he keeps in contact. So as far as the original party goes there are only two, with the first whom replaced our enthusiastic but unable to stay with us player being 'Miss 3 1/2's'.
With most of that out of the way, I can get onto the player in question. Again, he was there from the start, only second in my player search to start this campaign. Wanting to play a neutral good paladin who grew up a simple farmers life and was on a life walk-about to enrich himself before his turn to take over the family farmlands. At the start things were bit fine, he showed a general interest to hooks that kinda developed in the intro fight, making some good goofy aspects with his character and interactions and at least at first, an interest to some of the things in the world at the time. But looking back, I did likely trust him with a bit much, the other characters likewise were very 'go with teh flow' but they liked to investigate and get into things outside the city that they were given slight hero titles to after the start of things. With him though, he did 'actively' have his character go to get the town effective 'quest board' and ask around if people needed help with things... and.. not tell the other PC's about it or try an start the missions or plots.
While in itself it wasnt 'bad' people also trusted him a bit as 'the note taker' at first, so maybe we just expected him to go into things later or something, but, this became something I was concerned of with him on it. I mentioned his own story progression aspects from the start of the game, well, when given a lead that would let him undo a poor families ailment he showed interests too with time to go at least check it.. he suddenly invented a sister for his character.. who was getting married, back in his home country, that they 'had' to visit right then an there.
He had been vague about his characters history, he may have mentioned a sister 'in passing' but nothing ever set in stone besides his Grandfather being the true head of the farm and his dad. Not even anything about his characters mother, an now suddenly he wanted to spend a week or two travel via air ship to go see a 'new fiance' on top of it. I admit, I wasn't too happy but I also didnt outright pull him to the side to talk about that. Mark against me I know.
But it kind of worked out, as because no one could do much since he was kinda blocking the group from reaching the intended quest givers that he swore he would get with (2 of the other remaining characters at the time mostly had their stuff working on things they were trying to do that wasnt too crazy but at least progressed their characters in ways). And Miss 3 1/2 wasnt sure of her character at the time so played a temp one to feel out being another class and style for a bit. It helped her bloom a little. They ended up helping another little quest idea i had for halloween, late it was, but had fun with it an great action. But do to how that took an bad dice rolls which I do no flub or such, they got sidetracked from things an had to go back to go onto a quest 3 1/2 got them to.. an he wasnt exactly actively happy or doing the quest (guard a noblewoman on a quest to one of the countries for buisness matters. Kinda.. avoided the woman in weird ways.. like trying to push the hotel cooks asideto 'show them how its done'..).
When the crew finished with it, it was with another teaser to quest lines he was kinda pinning the group with. Again unfortunately the rest were 'kinda' okay with his choice on it but they were doing a bit more to be active now so it wasnt likely to work out for long. Around this time is when 'Work Haitus' had to sadly step away, so i started to put feelers out for new players again. During this time, he was still kinda pulling back on things as best he could, but he started to show a.. interesting trait. He wanted to start 'grinding' for EXP.. without going into the literal forest where some creatures could be faught, instead, he went to the city coliseum. Now this was explained since session one, I dont give any real EXP for fights there, quit literally if you have a fun sparing match or a more rough bloody match in it against a tamed or caught creature or class person, you'll only end up with 1 xp point. I did this cause I heard of a number of stories of 'those' players showing up, going to fight pits to make themselves stronger an not bother with rp time stuff. But I also tweaked it, so you could make bets for yourself, and the boon of prize and noterity (IE, people start being more favorable to you, seek you out that sort of stuff.. which considering he had so many 'hidden to activate quests' at this point wouldnt have mattered either way). He very quickly stopped after his 2nd or so solo attempt and made a passing comment on being upset of it. I overlooked that time.
During this, the entire party collectively was sought out, as the city knew 'all of them' roughly, so no reason only someone looking to the quest board would be involved alone. They were given a new quest by a neighboring kingdom, to deal with monsters they had ties with from the start as an already active side-story plot. He kinda 'backed' a bit into doing his characters 'im off to clean the broom closet' antics during some of this.. alot.. so looking back it feels he was upset not only was he not 'in charge' of getting the quests, but that the whole party agreed to be invovled with it regardless of anything else. I did try to bring him bback in, by having that Sister and her Fiance appear to meet them since he couldnt make the meeting.
There was some .. issues.. he kinda started to instantly mistrust the fiance, he litterally used 'every' detection spell he had on them trying to sus if they were demon, enregy or otherwise. An more or less ignored the sister even when she asked him his plans on things.. an since he 'left the sibling things to me besides she pranks him maybe' he didnt seem thrilled that she was upset the 'Lord title' brother, who won plots of land in this country an was going to open, I kid you not, an 'Pizzaria Inn petting zoo pet super plant farm forge and factory' on said plot of land with 'secret super caves our befriended monster friend will terraforming for us'. Short version of the monster thing.. monster had no such ability and at best had very tiny cute versions of itself digging out the cave, one pebble at a time.. this is when i noticed he sort of 'half' listened to details given.
I will admit, I wanted to have a moment where the sister was going to become some sort of 'rival', if she couldnt find way to convince the older men who are currently running the farm that big bro might have more important things to do as 'a Lordship hero paladin' maybe its time to break 'the men run the farm' tradition. In character he was warned 'she really wants your farm, and as someone whose seen people go extremes maybe you should reach out to her so its not so bad an no bad blood has to happen'... he kinda took it that she wants him dead, sorta. Took a bit with the informer to correct it.
He .. 'kinda' tried to 'make it up to her' i think by baking her favorite pie an admittedly as a nice act gave her his holly symbol which was the family's given by grandpa to him.. no biggy as the city hade a temple of his goddess to get a replacement soo.. yeah. Honestly I did talk with him a little on it.. but this is when another aspect started being apparent.
I hadnt mentioned, but I am not a fan of no call no show specially when we had a constant schedule, he had a few, but 'did' sorta apologize, at first. We do everything discord and roll20, so when he starts to not appear i would '@' the group and then '@' via DM's, and there maybe 'weeks' to 'months' if theres nothing 'important' to talk to me about response wise. And at the start of those times he started missing alot. An also, not apologizing or saying why. He doesnt always have to I know, but given we were having fewer players, wed have sudden 'we cant plays' cause it was 2 people only..
Then, we get introduced to not one or two but three new players. I kinda worried with them being prior friends and click group but its been working out for most part. Timing for ones admittedly stunk, an their on a personal leave Im not faulting but having their character background for now. They show up, an their characters, well starting at high level for at least 2 fresh faces an one long term one is a little odd, but its been fun. They instantly get into their characters mindsets, weird quirks that fit their upbringings and own style of things, but they also work as a functional communicating and asking questions group with slight airs of 'they are not lower class but deal with both from the noble side of things' air to them. Again its worked out, given they lost a litter hard hitter the three work great.
As the plot went, they were actually being lured away by a group who they helped bust antics an get called out on it in the city, the bait was just 'oh it might be the same type of monster you guys are looking for who might eat an entire city', done via a modified memory spell on the patsy. They were lead to a campsite the badguys set up to be a kill/trap spot.. It was a bit rough with things, but the group was doing 'amazingly' well. But I had an even bigger surprise for everyone, to take our game to a new level an give a 'big' meaty plot hook to hype and put every character on an equal 'i dont know anyone around here/dont have the same resources you do' foot from how the characters went, as an idea to build their bonds.
The trap, got ambushed, by a big honken monster I teased the first players with barely into session 4 that was a corps but came back. An this thing was a beast, CR minimal 20+ an higher (i suck at figuren the maths) but yeah, it was 'not' a winnable fight they could escape from that even the badguys said 'truce till were not monster food???'
It blew apart the trap-badguys, an sent the PC's hurdling into a space that was supost to be instant death, but plot armor I intended for em saved them if only 'barely' but now, their in ' a ocean like space between the outter realm and multi realms', with faint contact by the holly characters gods saying 'theres a way back, you must return'. including to the Paladin an 3 1/2 (who is cleric).. and honestly, everyones raved to me about it.. but looking back agian, given lack of Paladins communications 'out' of his appearances in game.. he hasnt said much, unless someone else starts it..an even then its.. barely a sentence..
The players were picked up by 'friendly pirates' an have been discovering things and gaining new strengths.. least, most of them again. 3 1/2 really bounded with the new NPC's an been expanding their character (shes been very creative that way an shes really gotten into the player bug, im sooo happy i could get her into the hobby) the new players had their growths too, the full slightly higher brow noble of them has come to terms 'hes mortal an can die, but people need his strength' too, as well as 'living is hard.. their not just 'dirty' or something by chance its just the efforts of their brow' to the sorceress of his friends being delighted to be sailing the seas with quirky merman, turtle an other type pirates with treasures an jerks to kick in the seat of the pants. Even the other first player has tried new character aspects, trying to be a 'new version' of himself till an event happened (which he half told me of, but it was more workable then 'sudden sister quest').
But.. paladin has been a bit more missing an sadly we have had spotty game times cause this is when my own work schedule has been bad. An again, he never gets back or says 'oh sorry cant make it' or whatever happened. I brought up a bit ago about his passing remarks of the exp thing for this point to make, he doesnt like to have his character have much of my homebrew stuff.. despite how many treasures hes had that hes just gone 'i sell it' or 'eh if you want it take it dont want it' that has been (a) a plot starter, or (b) a pretty handy if maybe OP item, hes just passed them off even from session z where I give every player chances to pick a unique thing for their character that helps tie them to the world. He opted out of it, an through everything they have done an gathered.. hes held onto a grand total of 2 homebrew things.. a sword, that after a 'certin point' he used as his hexblade warlock focus point with his goddess also being his patron, and 'one' spell that I had to reach out to offer him, well, technically '2' spells. One that he could use to turn a mundane object into a powerful magic weapon, an a ritual spell that he needs to cast to regain uses of the other spell.
The reason this ties to the EXP block from the coliseum bit, is because as part of the ritual to regain usages, he has to create a small 'choke point' of a ritual spell ring to fight an unending horde of monsters that the spell summons to fight just him. Now, the monsters are extremely low level, like 1/4 cr, an they wont try an kill him, as the ritual ends when hes KO'ed. It took a bit before he had to properly cast it in ession (big surprise, had him recharging it on some of the missing day's of his). But when eh did, an he finished it, he did instantly ask 'how much exp to i get?' an kinda grew hushed when I said 'you.. get your six usages of your spell back?'. I.. low key wonder if he wanted to try an use it as a cheat to grind or something..
This also does not help that, just prior, 3 1/2 managed to do our 'biggest' damage in a single round during a hord fight, literally between her spells an a new weapon with some seriously amazing rolls, did over 200 hp of damage on her own. To the point she KO'ed the boss monster leader. granted it was with a smart play and some literal crit hits, but thats when his vibe for games started kinda feeling off big time. An come now, to the more recent events before the kick..
I had a rare day off i could have a game completely unhindered, an we agreed to all have it.. sadly starter 2 forgot the US has Daylights saving, so we did loose an hour for him getten outta work. Eh it happens. An sadly the new 3 didnt get to join in so it was an agreed on one shot. Well, that 'was' the idea..
When we started.. when we 'could' have started, I gave them the quick plot of how they got to this place (this all happened just before the event with the pirates so they had their stuff but meta'ed they were still their current levels). Now, Im loose with my own OS's, so I used a module i bought that looked fun an it was interesting. I did have to build a bunch of rough doubles of the maps, since turns out the PDF didnt want to let me get the pics right at the time, so wasnt focusing too much on some details but for key point ones. Its important for later. But anwyay after the basic 'you did a hero thing an was invited to a small isle city by its noble ruler who has big parties every week an your the guests of honor', you know the usual kinda crud. Well i started to get into the start of it, about to go to details of the maps location.. when he, stopped me an blocked me to go 'oh i climb the building or whatever to get that gun!'.....there was unfortunately an image of a gun on the part of the token i used to build the maps clocktower..didnt notice it.. he sure did.. an kinda derailed me a bit more..reminder, we were an hour late into session.
I managed to get back on track, the security at the start of the party line stoppen the crew an saying 'sorry its a costume party, dont worry we always have spares, pick one' an they got to pick a set of masks for themselves. They rolled to take turns, he got first dibs, an picked one he 'really liked', but I do kinda wonder cause my tag name relates to what it was.. Well, I sent them the screenshot of the masks an their effects as an item/equip card... he started to.. get sour sounding.
In prior in between an pre game times, hes mentioned hes.. not exactly a fan of alot of stuff. Even some of the oldest movies an comics that are still being made now an are big on fandoms, hes got zero interests or cares for.. an on troupes, he is not big on mysteries. An sadly, the mask gave him an ability thats great in discovering secrets...
Well, I started to bring one of the moduels NPC's to start pointing out details, give them some hook bits an background to what goes on normally in the city... and.. he used that one use ability to check if she liked her mask.. literally stepping the entire conversation, then walked away to break into that clocktower.. that had the guns on it..
3 1/2 an second 1'st decided 'lets try an get on with the actual story regardless' an tried to go to the party which they did, trying to get him to come with too, crossing the small castle bridge to get to there an start mingling as they do.. paladin did 'eventually'.. but first he shimmied the bridge to use up his stealth abilities from the mask... then when 3 1/2 noticed, tried to get him to come in, he... started climbing to the top of the castle wall..
His character, never acted like this, in any OS we had before or in game before. Second 1'st did do a little weird, but it was stuff his character was infamous for, but not good for the long run. I admit.. I lost my cool, I didnt shout, yell, or otherwise.. but at this point, from when we 'late started', to paladins 3'rd athletic roll to scale the building he was invited for, we had lost over 2 hours of our usual session time an it was very apparent he was really not going to act like the character we were accustomed to.. so I said, 'sorry guys, see you next time'.. admittedly, I did kinda vent in our group chat text wise.. I was pretty upset an tired i cant lie on this, i had spent very early hours on the maps an looking over to familair most of the thing as best i could while having lack of sleep beforehand. But, I basically just said, if you dont feel up to a game please just say so cause putting all that time en effort for even a one shot was time an tiring thing an just frankly kinda rude antics for no reason just hurt.... didnt use cures or otherwise but that was about it..
It did help that, the group reached out to me about it, even both our Hiatus ones.. everyone but Paladin who kinda went back to basic no coms with me pretty much like norm.. he kinda missed a few more sessions between then to now.. so lets get to what became the last straws of the DM..
So, in the 'undersea' places, the crew realized that, the party had something they could use with their nations rulers to try an breach peace with the races that was locking everyone up in this space between the multiverse, to escape some big dangers thats happening here. This thing was second 1'sts 'tie in starting choice' i gave the first party options too an hes loved ever since, giving his character a level of importance. Of course there is the risk the guys could go 'we dont need 'them' for just 'that'. but thankfully its the nicer space sea folks side so thankfully its all negotiations. I rolled beforehand to see what outcome would happen.. not the best roll but it was one with surprising good results but the meeting was postponed with the intended target cause.. well the system got fragged as they sent the unintended invite back to the outer realms and their time slot to reach out to there was lost. So the party an the friendly pirate captain npc buddy was told 'come back in several months well try again'. The captain was telling the leaders 'oh sure no problem' while giving a 'if we dont find you guys a way back to your side of the world to stop that big bad monster for good first 'wink' to them..
An paladin.. confronted an tried telling the nation guys the details in a... weird way. I really dont know how to explain how he said it it still sounds weird to me. But he basically wanted too.. convince the nation that 'the party' could end all their troubles.. against a hord of demons an undeads effectively 'not understanding' the monster that threw them here was not one of the creatures in question. Which even after i pointed out 'if he couldnt do more than 13 points of damage to that thing, how would he think he can beat the monster he 'thinks' made it?'... which on that matter, he was told multiple times it wasnt.
Well, the rest of the gang tried to talk reason to him, even pull him aaway.. an i had made split choice of the captain decided to put a 'command bracelet' on him, effectively 'if you fight the order given you get zapped an paralyzed'. telling him 'please stop an lets talk about this somewhere 'safe'... because the party and them werent safe..
People in the sea space place, dont like people 'from their side' not that any survive coming down to there. Again, they survived via their plot armor's they dont even fully get yet. With the leadership litterally saying to him before the captain dragged him to the doors a bit 'let them hang for all we care'...
Well, paladin passed the check against the paralyze effect (again, i give honest rolls unless absolutely necessary which i dont like doing..) an.. he had his character chop his hand off, use every will save till he passed the players spells an use his tp abilities to get out of any grapple an ran into the building to more or less brow beat the leaders into listening to him...I made a choice as the captain npc... an ran for the ship to get the heck out before his crew would be arrested an maybe killed for hiding the PC's, an the other PC's likewise, ran for the hills too with them saying 'your mad if you do this'..
That is where that session ended, he made a passing comment 'guess ill reroll a character for the time being'... an he never showed up for the following one despite knowing 3 weeks in advance..though it turns out he 'did' roll stats for a character after I left the chat an roll20... an 'then' designed his character... which at first i was iffy but gave him a sheet to fill in to go ahead an start worken it, not knowing he had pre existing stat rolls for it or clearing that with me.. something I dont like..
Well, cant say i fault him for not knowing this, none of them did.. but there was a planned event for the city they were in. After the 'meeting the outsiders' event, they were going to be there during a siege by the monsters the leaders were worried about. I had the mechanics that, theyd get swarmed by mooks they could likely kill in a round or two at worst with a few higher level front line commanders thrown in, for each one of these theyd get a -5 to around -15 against a d100 roll (which I infamously roll low on all the time) on how much the city gets damaged up (multiple of the results for fyi), where either (a) they would stand their grounds just enough to cause the enemy to tempt pull back from the current onslaught, (b) the do enough damage an pull back gettin more then they need for now (long story) or (c) the party retreats for the time trying to pick up some survives they could fit on the ship an get the heck out as the city is torn up...
Instead.. I roll flat 3d100's as the party 'just' avoided the guards an lockdown.. which didnt add any bonses for the city guards chance to prep ships an counter attackk.. of the three, 2 in the ninties, one over fifty.. the city was whiped out.. I was 'devastated' that now i may have put the paladins character in a state he was just outright mamed and couldnt even give his player a 'last hura an fade to black'...because they never showed up or said anything...
I had to take a day or two before i sent the news to him, i did kinda phrase it a little angerly but i was 'where were you what happend'?... no response the entire week, right up to our next game session with nothing being done to that character sheet i gave him for a month..
And then came to our last bit of communication.. one hour before we started, he wanted to ask me about his character creation thing.. he stuck with the class i was iffy on to begin with but he.. went with a completely different class, an frankly he was maxing out the stats on the class too..
I confronted him since at least then he was 'finally' speaking to me. He was giving me the 'he would have convince them' speach of his characters plans.. I was just getting more confused by some of his responses of what that even was. The 'misunderstandings' of his character of what things are going on, why he did an extrem like 'why would he cut his hand off' an then he admitted no matter what, his character was going to leave. All on the fact his 'Paladin Alignment as Lawful good' wouldnt let him 'let a bunch of people die in the city'... his character has pulled back from fights an stuff before, while yeah if he saw a fight he would totally try an defend someone if need be, but, the abandon the party thinking they were doing wrong, knowing that the plan the group would be involved with after the outsider meeting, was to go search for things that might power them all up enough to be on the same playing field as the monster that beat them, or event he ones attacking the undersea side.. He even made a passing comment 'yeah i know they all talked about it for an hour'.. when.. he caused the conversation to las tthe hour by having them repeat it different ways several times.. something he also did alot im afraid when the quest was not one he started/invested in specifically of himself (the starting foot of it happened to one of the new players an 3 1/2 while he was on one of his missing days again).
He made a slight passing comment about me jus killing off his character an how they were acting as a 'what if someone wanted to play something else' .. which i did ask 'did you want to play something new why didnt you just ask?' to which.. he kinda ignored an went on. It was roughly at this time that he said he was trying to focus on his wizard spell list that i clicked to he was playing a new type of character all together.. one he admitted he wanted to play as 'weird and kinda crazy'.. it honestly sent chills to me given his 'sane' character did something extreme out of the blue for no reason an would never had done before was a bad sign what he considers 'slightly weird/crazy' would be.. but i was further made up set he made up a character only 'after' getting rolls he didnt get clearance from me with beforehand. I asked if this was the case which he confirmed and simply asked 'what want me to do point buy instead?'... an thats when I said i dont think he was set for my game again.. most so since all this all he focused on, again, an hour before game time, was only the basic mechanics an nothing else (given my honest mistrust of him springing something on me on this point with the sister visit 'quest').
I had literally given him my reasons, told him didn tlike how many red flags hes pulled lately. Including our game communities famed words by players who do things that tend to do things that.. kinda make things weird or bad or start to trail from how they start as.. When he first started missing the bulk of sessions, an losing plot interest, was when he 'lost his notes'. Then an most infamous last appearance, literally last bits hes said when he decided to have his character leave (which in hindsight i think he may have just wanted but again.. pardon me for guessing since he never communicated) 'Its what my character would do' when he had him cut his hand off.. Then during our conversation when i was trying to figure out what the heck was all that an what happend he said 'because my lawful good paladin couldnt let that under his oath'... his 'netual good' character whose hidden monsters under his house, stolen from a school of magic, made friends with an had sight powers from a devil an a few other shady things to say the least...so he was plannen or taking that his character should have a diff alignment without communing with me on it..who knows ont hat one..
I honestly did my usual, 'i dont think this game is for you' exit speech... an he said 'dont bs me with this over polite crap' an tried to make me say 'i want you gone'.. he was more or less animate on the specifics of the words.. and I think i know why..
Because, the players have a private text chat, not that hes much on there himself unless his character name is mentioned multiple times, but they do have it for funnies an stuff between em. I dont mind it, but.. at some point when I officially announced I'd be removing the player in our whole group chat.. he sent a very cropped two lines that was the tail end of us with me saying him in the groups not looken good, but told them 'i shouldnt be contacted about this'..
Tooo bad for him, I screenshot everything big like this. An further bad for him, the new guys an me talk alot too, like constant, and he forgot, 3 1/2 are friends for over a decade. 3 1/2 told me that... so i reached out to the rest of the group, shared the entire thing with them on the spot, saying 'i am sorry, its been bad with all these points' (i mention in here better more details after all, given how it was an hour of getting heated an trying to get him to tell me what his game plan is or anything else if need be given everything else sounded like he was flipping between wanting to be something new or... again i can only speculate since he just went offensive/defenses with no explanations or stuff to understand him the player). an sent them the entire conversation the two of us had as a screenshot.
While I was polite an just saying 'dont think the games for you' which yeah is a little over gentle.. after i pointed out one of them mentioned with a tiny screenshot of only me saying 'you should go' an the 'dont talk to me about it'. He honestly said 'i told them they shouldnt bother with it' like they should have just listened to him on the get go...an that 'he' would send it.. told him I already had. And for that level of honestly kinda manipulative tactic, both trying to isolate the party from me and only showing the 'closest' he would have of me saying 'i want you gone' comment, which he had stressed for a bout a minute i should 'say' in our private chat, i cant help but wonder if he was seriously trying to poison the well between me and the others.. an then said he would 'show them the whole conversation.... well he kinda got super silent with the private group and to me when i said 'i already sent the whole. I told him, good luck an goodbye, an then removed him from my DND group.. he suddenly for the first time in 2 years 'went offline', on my notice thing, so i think he made himself invisible but at first i thought he blocked me.. made a passing comment to test, but he went 'no' an was suddenly fully online an back to his MMO's that he 'usually' played too much an overslept some of our early day games on... not surprising..
The rest of the party were.. thankfully understanding, 3 1/2 suggested we didnt play but i pressed on but we did kinda vent.. helped one of the experienced newby of the three was a dm, an said 'hey its what you feel too, if he was making you feel uncomfortable at the table with that, your alright to feel it an remove him' which helped too..
But part of me does have to have that nagging feel since, he is the 'first' true kick i have done. ALl my other possible problem players ghost themselves from my games an he had been in for 2 years.. not that we done much since we are nearly at our 100'th session an only 'now' getting to the possible tea of the world i have been sitting on for 3 years since started working on the campaign over it. I left it openf or them to discover, an things started to click when the new guys came in an started being able to 'take lead' a bit on group choices.. not waiting for the paladin to lead them.. but.
of course, communication is '2 way street' i know, I said he didnt talk to me on things but likewise maybe i shoulda been more active reaching to him. To a point I tried, but, unless it was 'hey want a new power or something' ...he didnt respond back much. Again we had not much on similar things an it feel slike he was cluing in that many of my influences was from comics, movies games an anime that even if he was into the fandoms of, he didnt know alot as I have a broad and little known spectrum of series. Maybe a bit of it was lill mix of we didnt upfront what we expected, but also disinterests... but I do know at least 2 of his fave games.. tha has owning land, getting bonus in some way from that, an thats that.. an some other aspects, kinda in hindsight were what he wanted/expected for his character at times.
Again, my thing is full homebrew, an always say 'hey if you find something you like, lemme know an see maybe we can toss it in.', sadly some of the gang dont take that up too much, but the new players have lately an its been fun. He did at first 'start' suggesting something.. but with no set things, so when i brought up things that we can do for it he kinda.. shot em down, like not say full on no but.. just went silent.
In the end, Im upset with myself over not confronting the problem a bit more 'first', but i guess i just started to let him just 'be silent all the time is fine the problem goes away' as much as he did it when i reached out to him. Hell if he stepped away for a bit, sadly perfect since his first character might be KO'ed, i may have taken him back if he just said 'been dealing with things' or 'wanted to be something new' or, 'can i try something crazy'.. but in the end he only wanted me to respond in the moment to what he came up without double checking things an it can happen so sparatically, so 'railroady' for me an the other players I just cant anymore. An knowing hell honestly try an manipulate my words behind my back to the rest of the players.. yeah Im not trusting that player at any of my games ever again and wont ever trust one like that... but I hope it doesnt turn to that for just that factor an not because of other reasons that can be avoided...
Anyone who reads, thanks for your time. If you got tips or mindsets to consider for me here, like to help get them like a mindworm to maybe help me over things, given how my head is still lill swimmen on it both emotionally an thoughts. I guess maybe im looking to see if I was valid (I know for my 'mental health' i was, but want to know its not just my own head thinking it an maybe cases like this is at least partly justified). An hey, if you ever had a sitch like this, lemme hear how ya felt too, never helps bottling it in. Just typing this at first as a note to myself before it showed up anywhere helped me clear my head a fair bit, so theres always getting the words out there wither someone's ear or eyes take it is a nice way to get the happy feels in. Next order buisness to feel better... getten to those cursed die rolls (come on Dice Gods treat me an my players failry, ah dangit another 1! I thought i blotted it out!)

Ulti-Planner
Settings
This document is to help you determine exactly what each setting in the Ulti-Planner app is for. We hope it clears up anything not so intuitive.
Main Settings
Settings - See Secondary Screen information below.
Calendars/Lists - This allows you to pick which event calendars or reminder lists are “On”, or featured in your main views in the app. If you have calendars on your system that you don’t want to see regularly you can turn them off here(you can still have them available in a custom calendar filter).
This also is where you can choose the default calendar and list that is used when you go to create a new event or reminder.
Time Zone - This is how you turn on timezone support. If this is off it uses the system timezone of your current location, otherwise it can show times based on the timezone selected.
Tags - This is the screen that allows you to setup colors and Icons for hashtags. It also is where you can create keywords that also have a color or icon. These are keywords that the app looks for in your title, so for instance a “Dentist Appointment” event can have a tooth icon and blue color by identifying “Dentist” as a keyword.
App Icon - Allows you to change the main app icon to one you like. The premium version offers a wide variety of options.
Email Support - Our preferred way to hear from you if you have feedback or issues. The system automatically adds system and device information that we otherwise end up asking for in a lot of situations.
Rate the App - Access to the AppStore to rate the app, we really appreciate a good rating or review.
Settings Secondary Screens
Display
We pride ourselves on allowing you to setup the look of the app to match your personality and preferences.
Theme - The app is designed so that in the regular light and dark modes of the phone, it has a theme color that will be featured in most titles and accessory views. Changing this to the color you prefer really goes a long way to making the app feel more like you want It to.
Solid Background - If you would rather have the entire app be themed in a custom background color you can turn this switch on and choose the solid color in the next selection.
Solid Color - The color to be used for the background if in Solid Background mode. In some very rare instances the actual Theme color set above will also be used for certain secondary touches in the app. This is also where you can find the new “FADE” choices, which present as a gradient background from a dark top to another color on the main top level views of the app.
Interface - The app actually has 2 looks that can be chosen, Modern or Traditional. Traditional has a bit more simple look with more straight lines and bars showing colors. Modern is a newer take that uses rounded edges to give the app a newer look.
Mode - We allow you to set the app in Dark or Light mode locally, or Auto which uses the system wide Dark/Light mode setup.
Large Title Bars - With the advent of bigger screens, sometimes rather large titles are preferred on the screens. But if you want to maximize the amount of Information available we allow this to be turned off to give you even more room.
Tabs - On iPhone this allows you to turn the entire interface into a tabbed based app, So instead of accessing some of the other views using the top menu, you will be able to quickly use the tabs at the bottom to move between sections of the app.
Title - The top title bar text can be set to take on 3 different looks.
Modules
The Premium version of the app allows for several powerful sections of the app, each in their own right with features rivaling other full apps in their genre.
Reminders - This allows you to use Reminders in the app including on the calendar views and in a full screen, with customizable views and lists to view all of your reminders sorted and presented the way you want.
Contacts - The contacts screen allows you to fully access your contacts and display them by groups and favorites.
Projects - The projects screen is a system in which to organize your reminders, along with Events and Contacts, into full on projects that are organized and interacted with using a Kanban(column based) project board with custom statuses. It takes advantage of context menus and drag and drop, to allow you to quickly categorize where in your project workflow each task is.
Goals - Goals is a way to keep track of your habits from within your calendar. Each goal is actually a specialized event that is keeping track of your progress, so you can track things you want to aspire to do daily or weekly. Things like exercise, health, and productivity habits are right in front of you to do to keep your streaks.
Focus Sessions - Focus sessions are a way for you to really start a timed session dedicated to really focus on one task or project. We have a traditional timer or Pomodoro, which is a system where you focus for a set time(like 25 minutes) followed by a break(5 minutes) and then that cycle is repeated until 4 focus sessions are completed.
Features
These are the main features that you will enjoy when upgrading to the premium version. Watch your productivity soar.
Weather - We hope you find it very handy to have your weather and forecasts shown right along with your calendar events. Apple weather forecasts for your location, along with forecasts shown for events when you travel.
Quick Entry - Also called Natural Language Entry , this is a way to type in your events and the app will parse to try to create the event based on what you say like “Meeting at 9pm at Bobs Cafe”, this uses its own entry view that also will show you templates and locations to try to predict what you are typing.
Icons - Icons are a great way to assign meaning to events, calendars, and keywords so you very quickly recognize what is coming up in your agenda without having to even read text. Some users love the visual cue that assigning these icons give you.
Hashtags - We have built out a system that can assign tags to your events and reminders in order to use them to filter and sort your items quickly and assign colors and icons.
Advanced Views - Extra calendar views are in the premium version including the Block Week and Agenda List views for when those solutions are the way you want to visualize your schedule.
Calendar
Single Calendar Filters - The app features a very powerful filtering system, which can be turned on/off at the bottom of the calendar screens. This option allows you to populate that list initially with each individual calendar you have turned on, so a filter selection will be available for each. If this is off, the filters will be exclusively specialty filters and custom filters created using the “+ create filter” available in the filter bar.
Note: Custom Filter’s is one of the most powerful features of the app.
Default Length - This is the default length of the event when it is created.
Drag and Drop - A lot of the calendar screens have the ability to drag reminders and events from a day list to another day in order to reschedule it. If you turn this feature off, the day views then are likely to have very advanced context menus with a bunch of features to interact with the item when you hard press and hold on them
Month
Month Display - The main way to customize your month calendar. If you want to see text, icons, timeline bars, dots, the weather, or Birthday images, this is where you can choose the look that best suits you. Note: If you would like to use multiple different displays, using a custom calendar filter allows you to quickly swap between calendar looks, as well as what is contained in them.
Text Size - When drawing the calendar using calendar text, this sets the size used.
Week Start - When drawing the calendar this will start the calendar based on the day selected.
Colored Text - When drawing the month days, if using text this will draw that text in the calendar or tag color associated with this event.
Week Numbers - Shows the week numbers in front of each row of the calendar.
Hide Other Months: In the depiction of the month, if some days show are in the previous or next month, it will just show them as blank if this is on, otherwise they will be grayed.
Landscape Next Month: On iPad and Mac if you have this on, it will show a small Month below the day for next month.
Note: You can turn the month into a full screen view without the day view or a week view that has the week as a strip of days at the top, by swiping up and down, or using the zoom menu options.
Week
Horizontal - On the “Block Week” this will change from reading up and down to left and right.
First Day - On the “Block Week” you can set the first day including starting with today.
Day
Wrapping Events
Status Icons - These are small icons that are shown in the Grid and on the right of the events and reminder in the day view of the month screen. They indicate things like if a list, location, attendees, or note is present, or if it is recurring.
Three Day Grid - The timeline day grid main view can be shown as a single day or 3 day view on the iPhone. A 7 day option is available on iPad and Mac.
Day Bar - A day bar is a visual timeline of your current day. It shows all 24 hours with coloring shown where in the day events are scheduled.
Reminders
Default View - In the Lists it is the default view type you want to see, either list or card.
Hide Recent- In the main overview of all Reminders, you can hide the section called recent, which shows you which groups you have accessed the most recently
Overdue Today - This will show overdue dated reminders on today on the calendar if they haven’t been completed.
Hide Completed - This hides reminders in the calendar views (and possibly list views depending on sorting) if they have been completed.
Hide Sublists - In the Reminder list views you can use have the embedded sub-lists shown inline and indented.
Note: Reminder lists contain some of their own settings including creating custom reminder views(which are similar to custom category filters) and the ability to set the sort options on each view or list individually.
Contacts
Default View - For groups and the full list, the default view type you want to see, either list or card.
Hide Recent - In the main overview of all Contacts, you can hide the section called recent, which shows you which groups you have accessed the most recently.
Projects
Default View - In the projects Kanban screen the format, either List or Card based.
Notifications
Event Notifications - This turns on that you want to use Ulti-Planner as your notification system for upcoming events. Most people then want to turn them off from the Apple Calendar app or other apps.
Reminder Notifications - This turns on that you want to use Ulti-Planner as your notification system for upcoming reminders.
Focus
Focus Length - In the focus session the length of the main focus sessions either as a focus timer, or in Pomodoro.
Break Length - In Pomodoro mode the length of each break between focusing.
Note: The screen also has a few settings including a switch that if on records your completed focus session as an event, and the ability to turn on sound, vibrate, and to keep your system awake when using.
Advanced
Badge Type - On the main app icon when not in the app you can set a number badge that shows things like the today’s date day or number of events.
Open Maps - Select your default Map app, so when the app tries to open a map, it will use your preferred map app.
Open Links - Select you preferred browser so when we try to open links it will open in that browser.
Start On - This allows you to select what screen you want the app to open to when it is re-opened after it has been closed. Note: The “Today Hub” is only available if you select it here as the screen to open to.
Event Edit - We have our own Event editor screen that has its own advantages including typeahead suggestions, tags, and embedded lists. But Apple has some built-in things that they do not give 3rd party apps access to, so we offer the use of their built-in editor as well, to use things like Travel Time, Invitees, and Attachments.
Search
Search Back - In the Search view, the system can be set to go back only a shorter time or up to 10 years.

My husband (31M) and I enjoy traveling. We have 3 children. Historically we have brought my grandmother (76F) and grandfather (now deceased) along and covered their expenses including air travel, car rental, group activities, and provided a private room in an Airbnb/VRBO during our travels. During our travels, we have done group dinners, lunches, and group excursions while other evenings my husband and I would go out for higher end dinners or we’d go out and do excursions not appropriate for the younger kiddos while my grandparents would watch them (usually max of 3-4 hours per day). We’d also give my grandparents sometime on trips to go out and do activities of their own, that they’d pay for themselves (casinos, historical tours, spa days, etc). It was really positive because we got time as a family, some times individually, and my grandparents got to go to a lot of exotic places that have not historically been in their price bracket. It was a fantastic system for the last 7 years and everyone was happy with it and no one felt uncomfortable with our arrangements. My grandfather has unfortunately passed away and my grandmothers health is declining to a point where I do not feel that international travel would be safe for her. I don’t have any other family. My mother and father are not involved, and my sister is addicted to opioids so we are not on speaking terms.
My husband and I have a good relationship with his parents and my brother-in-laws and sister-in-law. I want to navigate proposing something similar to his family for a European vacation but don’t know how to navigate this. In an ideal world, we’d all travel together on my expense, I’d cover group activities, air fare, group meals, a private space in the Airbnb, and groceries at said Airbnb. In return, I’d want a couple hours per day (or at least somedays) where my partner and I can do activities that aren’t kid friendly (spas, fancy dinners, more adventurous activities, etc) and they’d also get free time to go out and do as they please or maybe some full on days where they can do as they wish.
The tricky part is my mother-in-law and father-in-law are really wealthy and I’m concerned about them thinking we are inviting them purely for them to foot the bill/cover some expenses which is 0 percent my motive and I want them to really understand that. Secondly, if we include one of my BIL and SIL in this conversation but not extend this out to others, would this be an asshole move? I wouldn’t want to necessarily extend this offer to all my sibling-in-laws. One of my brother-in-laws in 19 and definitely still in a party phase in life and honestly has no idea how to care for the kiddos so bringing him with, really wouldn’t be appropriate for the arrangement. My SIL has 3 kids and a partner as well so bringing her entire family along would drastically increase the cost and juggling 6 kids (with 4 under 4) would be incredibly hectic for all of us and I just don’t know if it would be a good situation over all and obviously would be quite a bit more pricy covering the expenses of 6 versus 2.
The sibling I would possibly include in the proposal is my BIL and his soon to be wife who are closer in age to us but not quite yet in the baby making stage yet but are into the same things as us and aren’t actively in the party stage. They also are really really good with our kids and soon to be SIL is in college still so financially a trip of this caliber wouldn’t be an option to them with their current financial situation.
I guess my question here is, WIBTAH if I initiated this conversation and only included some family members and excluded others?