After many years of TTC (we're 34F and 33M), 3 years of IVF, 3 egg retrievals (with a total of only 3 embryos obtained at the end) and one failed transfer, I think I saw a line for the first time in my life... I uploaded the pictures here : https://www.reddit.com/TFABLinePorn/s/TDEeJ1NNN0
I'm still in complete disbelief, yesterday morning (5dp5dt) I took a test and was negative, I took another one in the PM just to confirm it was the end and start coping with the loss of another embryo, and this was the result. I'm still in complete disbelief, I cried a bit when I saw the lines but with my fiancee we still haven't allowed ourselves to use any word like "positive" or "pregnant". In fact maybe it is too soon... And we want to be cautious and avoid a huge fat disappointment.
I've been having sore boobs and a lot of heartburn/reflux since the transfer.
This morning (6dp5dt) I haven't taken another test because I woke up super early to go to the airport for a business travel (yay, more stress to add to the whole process).
My betas are next Monday, what should I do and check until then?
I know I shouldn't even have done any at home test in the first place if I follow the advice of my clinic, but this community has helped me a lot with my anxiety and I trust some of you more than the nurses at the clinic! Thank you 💕

I (23m) have had sex around 6 times but never finish. I will say i frequently masturbate but i didnt think that was outside the norm so recently i decided to avoid it for a while but even then is that to say i cant masturbate as consistently without causing issues? Also for the record im not sure if this is the issue it could also be a mental block or maybe i should loosen my grip? I dont think its a porn issue because I can masturbate without anything on no problem but not sure on where to start with the issue or how long i should test it before trying something new?

TW: Suicide, Mental Illness, SA, Porn Addiction, Abuse, Pedophilic Thoughts.
Hi, this post is going to be insanely long post as I am gonna go over a lot of things in detail throughout my life. I am going to premise this with a very important disclaimer: I am not looking to be the victim. I am not trying and do not want to make you feel bad for me. Things I saw will end up sounding like attention-seeking and victim mentality, but please know that no matter how much it sounds like that, that is not my intention. I'm basically going to go through my entire life story, so buckle up.
We'll start at the beginning of my life in 2005. I'm born and have an older sister, who is still my only blood sibling. At 3 years old I experience my first traumatic events that I can remember. I start hiding in the bathroom whenever my parents fight, and after a fight, I try lightening the mood by dancing in a goofy manner, but I end up falling and slashing a big hole in my knee and have to go to the hospital. At 4 years old my parents get divorced, and my dad moves in with his girlfriend. I vaguely remember crying as he took his last suitcase out the door. I also start pre school at this time, and my parents start realizing I have mental issues. I get tested and come up with ADHD and autism. I hate loud noises, get overstimulated, hate fire, and can be very irritable. At 5 I do my second year of pre school, because my parents feel I wasn't socially ready. I did competitive cherr with my sister which was fun, except for a mean teammate and an unsupportive father. At 6 I start kindergarten, and have more traumatic events. I doodle on my paper and get yelled at by my very menacing teacher, which just stuck with me for some reason as I am very sensitive to arguments and such. I start having my first memories of being abused by my mom. She wasn't beating me but she would slap me, grab me, push me, and she threw my sister down the hall one time. At 7, I have the same types of memories, but good ones too. My sister starts getting in on the abuse and hitting me too. Her and mom start fighting all the time. And this is where my first sign of real issues shows up. My aunt babysat me after school every wednesday whike my parents worked their jobs. I was scrolling on my old chunky laptop and came across it. Gay porn. It was two men on a bed doing some sort of act. Im confused but cant stop watching. My aunt eventually comes in and puts an end to it, berating me. But I start getting worse. I keep looking it up on my tablet and getting caught by my dad and mom, and even get caught looking up how to end myself. I get the same talk that it wasn't good or whatever. And one time, I even tried getting my 2 year old nephew to "lick it" because I didnt think there was anything wrong with that. The next few years, the same trends become increasingly worse, and my parents also gave up trying to get me to eat healthy because of my picky eating habits due to the autism. I became overweight and no longer did any sports. I have a few more traumatic memories of my mom hitting me or destroying my stuff and making me clean it up. My porn addiction becomes worse. I start getting exposed to things like incest and beastiality. I also start having my first experiences with pedophiles. I was taught by another kid how to masturbate on xbox. And got into a party with someone else. They were atleast in their mid to late teens and possible older. They convinced me to teach them how to masturbate aswell. My addiction got worse and I would masturbate multiple timed a day at a very young age. I started hiding things from everyone. I started actually being attracted to the incest porn I was seeing so often and got into the taboo of it. As I got older I started fighting with myself, begging myself to fix my issues before it became to late, but I didn't listen. I started hiding my porn addiction really well and kept letting myself get groomed. I would show myself to pedos on omegle because I thought it felt good to get the attention. A 16 year old told my 12 year old self to send a booty pic, and I did, but blocked him immediately after. When I got into 7th grade I also started getting corrupted by public porn, and started masturbating at school. I was being bullied for my weight, and being smelly by that point, and was just so fucked up and never got help. If I ever talked to someone, I'd just lie and water down so everyone would think I was fine. In 8th grade I got bullied really bad, but covid ended that early luckily. I never masturbated in class again after this. This is where it gets worse, again. I become so deprived of human contact and addicted to sex, that I start sneaking videos of my father in the bathroom after his showers. To note, I don't have an amazing relationship with him. He was always very intimidating and bad at controlling his temper. Never good at having conversations either, so I've since closed myself off to him. I kept taking pictures of him, and eventually, started sneaking pictures of people I found either attractive, or even people that didn't repulse me. This included strangers, classmates, teachers, etc. I started really internally fighting with myself at this point. I hated myself. Who I had become. I tried and tried to make myself stop and become healthier, working out, watching else porn, trying to delete pictures I took of others, but to no avail. I eventually on rare occasions, masturbated to beastiality porn. I always felt so disgusted before, during, and after. These always felt like intrusive thoughts that I was acting on, but I didn't know that was actually the case until much later. I also starting convincing my grandpa to show me what it "felt like" as a 15 year old, until at 17 in 2023, he eventually coerced me into doing it to him, which I can't tell if it's SA or a taste of my own medicine, since I was a minor. I'm gonna go back to 2022. My sister's husband, who I consider my only brother, committed suicide. I was devastated. All i ever wanted was a brother, but I decided it wasnt meant to be. A few months later, I saw a cute guy at a local fair near my house, and feel deeply in love. I didn't masturbate or even look at porn for an entire week. I could not think of him sexually at all. Until eventually, the effect wore out. I started becoming addicted again, and also became to overbearing to the guy I was in love with because I texted him too much. He was 28 and I was 17, and he had no idea I actually liked him. This crushed me too, and the school year started soon after. I started imagining him and his friends withbme wherever I went and stalked his page constantly. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Later on in thar school year, I fucked up with both of the friend groups I was in, and lost them all. The rest of the year passed by slowly, but it still ended up okay. Now onto this school year, my senior year. I come back to school and no matter what I do, I can't get myself to stop. And a few months into the year, I finally get caught. I get suspended and don't come back for a few days. I get bullied as expected and lay low. My mom takes my phone and deletes everything, and I eventually tell her most of what I've said here. I relapse occasionally and watch certain porn that I feel guilty about, or snap a pic of someone. Luckily, I finally deleted everything myself and never took a picture of someone or watched beastiality again, and will continue that path. My current consensus is that I'm a classic case of a kid who never had a support system, which led me to making bad decisions, and just never stopped and got worse. I also now have been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety, and depression. I was always big on recording and taking pictures of everything memorable, which contributed to this. I also have very intense intrusive thoughts which are still unmedicated. When I took that first picture of someone I thought was attractive, I felt disgusted with myself for months. But the thoughts got stronger and stronger, and I did it again to make them go away, until eventually they got more often and consistent. I myself don't want people to be uncomfortable. I hate people that do stuff like that, and I wouldn't wish the feeling on anybody. No matter how many times I tried to push the thoughts away, or stop what I was doing, I couldn't. I lost all self control. The good part of me wants to help people, make them feel safe, loved, and attended for, but that side lost the fight. My morals were completely washed away over the years as my thoughts worsened, and I kept doing what I could to appease them. I consider the thoughts another being inside of me. It's super powerful and no matter how much I try to push against it, it always wins eventually. I got prescribed meds and picked them up today to help with the thoughts, and I hope it works. I found out this is called Purity OCD, which is when you have intrusive thoughts, and eventually give in and act on them to get them to go away. I also have Brain Loop Syndrome, which is when you get into a bad behavior, and want nothing but out, and physically cannot do it. I also want to clarify again that I am not looking for sympathy. I'll take any questions or advice on where to go from here. I've been telling myself that I deserve to be tortured, raped, and killed, or to burn in hell if I end myself. Again, not for sympathy/victimization. People I've told about the situation in real life keep saying "well it's not like you committed a serious crime, lots of people are curious and many take pics but are afraid to admit it" but I feel like that doesn't make it any better?? It's still weird and wrong. But anyways, I'm open to any questions or comments about this, if you want to just comment "ky$" or "I hate you" I understand, it's totally valid. I just needed to say it, get some advice and answer questions. Have a good night ya'll.
Quick edit before the comments start coming in: Apologies for the long read btw. I also wanted to say if you're ever experiencing negative thoughts regarding anything I stated here, or have any issues in general, PLEASE SEEK HELP. Do not do what I did. More people will understand you than you believe. You are not as alone as you think. Please don't let it get to this point!! Ans also yes guys there is a few more little traumatic events or whatever sprinkled in there that are probably important but I think you guys get the gist.

I’m slightly insecure over my looks. I like how I look enough, but I have a few big insecurities and I do care about my appearance a lot.
My boyfriend, (M20), doesn’t really compliment me - even if I get all dressed up - and if he does, it’s usually either that “I’m crazy out of his league” or about my boobs.
He likes to joke and banter, but the way he says these jokes is in a tone that I don’t realise is joking - so for a while I thought these jokes were real. He’s pointed out new insecurities too in these jokes - if I smell sweaty, if my lazy eye makes me cross-eyed, my hair looks weird and bumpy when it’s tied back. These are all jokes but they’re slowly getting to me.
I got to a point where I asked him if he ever found me ugly. He said “sometimes you look good, sometimes you don’t. I’m sure you have moments were you think I look bad”. That response is what brought me to writing this post. He’s honest at least, but I kind of wanted him to always think I’m pretty. He’s reacted badly to things in the past - when he saw my old self-harm scars and was verbally and physically grossed out (now he doesn’t mention them though). He also once said “I’m not sure I like you as much as I think I like you” during a conversation about our relationship which is another comment that’s really stuck to me.
When I brought up wanting to loose weight after one of these moments (as I’m becoming more and more insecure kinda), he responded with how he “shouldn’t of said that” in a way that made me feel bad for mentioning it.
As the relationship has developed, aftercare after intimacy is slowly disappearing. Although he is interested in me and how I am feeling during, afterwards he just falls asleep, and recently he’s been not even letting me cuddle him afterwards. I tested him recently (unhealthy I know) by saying I wanted to have less/more planned out intimacy as I feel ugly. And he didn’t say anything, just a “how would that work?” and then changed the subject. I thought he might be a little concerned about me feeling ugly, so ugly I want to have less intimacy, which made me feel worse when he wasn’t concerned at all.
He also watches porn daily when I’m not there (which I think is pretty normal for men), but he points women he finds attractive out on the street - as I’m bisexual - but he does it so regularly and even comments on their bodies. Which makes me feel like shit. His ex is literally a model and I feel like he thinks I’m a downgrade looks-wise
I don’t know how to bring this up to him. I genuinely really like him, he’s such a perfect guy who’s very considerate in every other way, so I want to fix this.

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I’m at a loss and have been on SA hotlines all day searching for what I should do here so wanted to crowdsource some feedback in case other people know how I feel and have good advice. WARNING: I will be talking about my ex emotionally abusing and SAing me. I won’t go into specifics per the rules but giving a heads up for anyone who that may trigger rn, please don’t read on.
I started dating this guy when we were in high school (I was 14, he was 19) and got locked into a dynamic I wish I could’ve left sooner. Today, I would identify it as grooming and abusive. He took advantage of my loneliness, my budding sexuality, and my love for him for close to five years. He was manipulative, he used his mental health crises as a way to control me. He would say I was the “only one who understands” him and say he’d kill himself if our relationship ended. At the time I felt filthy and ashamed, but looking back I realize that I was trying to blame myself for a situation I didn’t want to be in. I finally was able to pull away completely while I was in college and I never looked back.
Over the years, I’ve mostly not thought of him but I get these weird little jump-scares in my brain of memories of things that happened when I was with him. It briefly got worse when I moved in with my current (very supportive, loving, and age-appropriate) partner. But on the whole, my traumatized brain can’t actively remember much of our relationship, and what I do remember, I try my best not to think about.
I am now almost 30. It’s been 10 years since I’ve had any contact with him and out of the blue, he messaged me on Facebook. It’s very brief and non-specific which is part of what freaks me out about it. Basically what he said is “hi it’s (HIS NAME). I’m not trying to reconnect or be friends again. I need to talk to you about something. Please get back to me if you’re willing.”
I’ve been spinning out about what to do about this. In an ideal world, I never speak to, see, or hear from him again. My first instinct is to block and delete, but he is not a well person and had harassed me in the past. After speaking to the RAINN hotline, I’m thinking maybe I should just be tracking and noting what he’s saying to me so if I need a protection order, I have receipts.
My second thought is what could he possibly NEED to tell me that he couldn’t open with. I wondered if it could be sexual health-related, but I’ve been tested multiple times in the decade since him so even if “I had chlamydia the whole time” is what he has to say to me, that’s his problem, not mine.
I now feel terrified that maybe he has some collateral or is trying to blackmail me. Though I don’t remember much of the relationship, I do remember sending him nudes on Snapchat which maybe he saved. Like I said, it was a coercive dynamic and I’m not proud of it. A big part of the reason I didn’t report at the time is I read somewhere that I would be liable for distributing underage porn even though the images were of me and I was the victim in question. Or did he film us having sex without me knowing and post it somewhere, something like that.
He struggled with substance abuse and mental health issues the whole time I knew him. He was even briefly hospitalized for it. So it crossed my mind that maybe he’s reaching out during a stable time to “make amends,” either through a program or by himself.
What I really want is to give him a piece of my mind. It was never my intention to open a door to him or speak to him again. But now that he’s invited himself in, I want to ask him who the hell he thinks he is reaching out to me. I want to forget I ever met him, but I want him to remember what he did to me every day and feel sorry for it. I want him to know that I don’t just think of him as my ex, but as my rapist and that if he ever contacts me again, I’m calling the police (which is what RAINN suggested I do).
But I don’t know what I should do to be healthy and safe while moving forward. My current partner doesn’t know about this, I’ve only mentioned it in the abstract in the past and he never pushed me to say more. I want to tell him but I still feel so much shame about it and still secretly fear that this is all my fault and makes me unlovable.
I have an appointment with my therapist this weekend and best believe this will be the whole hour this week. But I’m looking for any thoughts from others who don’t live in my head on what you’d do if you were me. How would you go about disclosing this whole situation to your partner? Would you tell family and friends? If anyone on here has been a victim of revenge porn (especially if you were underage) and is willing to share your experiences, I’d love to hear from you. Words of encouragement would also be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Tldr: my abusive ex vaguely reached out to me and idk what to do about it.

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Hi, I'm Alessandro from Colombia, and I'm still in the fight.
A couple days ago I relapsed. And I posted the following in PornAddiction during my guilt phase. I deleted it later in the day. I got lost out of focus in telling my story, but my main reason to go online was to seek for help about relapsing. After the post, I didn't actually continued reading the book. After some days whitout using, I relapsed again, I've had about 7 relapses since my fight started. Today I did it again, and opened the book just after doing it. I went to the ¨nature¨ section and reviewed ¨A pleasure or a crutch?¨... ¨Porn isn't pleasant¨... That is the only thing I do not agree with the book, and this doubt has cost me several of my relapses. Today I reviewed that part, comparing porn with food, and the book says that they are exact opposites. I read it again, and again, asking myself, analizing the arguments, but it just doesn't seem correct. Actually, the hackauthor doesn't say it isn't a pleasure, it just says that it's sabotaging happines mechanisms. So I went to science direct and found this: http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.pneurobio.2012.05.004 . And thought ¨ok, it is correct that porn is in fact, a pleasant cue. But it is also correct that is the kind of pleasant stimulli of a heroine injection¨. Then I read this: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2015.06.005 . And found that it's an pleasant stimulli not only for addicts, but also for normal people. So my biggest argument against the book rings true for me. So today I just did a desperate google search: ¨is porn enjoyable?¨, and that led me to find this subreddit. I read a few posts and felt saved, this is the kind of community I need, PornAddiction disappointed me. I'll keep reading you and the book to learn what to do with that question: ¨is porn enjoyable?¨.
The following is that post:
______________________________________________________________________________________________________,
Why did I fail? My story, let's talk.
I spent almost 1 month reading Easy peasy. Long ago I realized I'm an addict, this wasn't a problem for me, I'm very self-conscious, kind of a hobby writer (obviously not in English as you can tell by now). The day I "clicked" while reading the book I spent almost 12 hours in a row writing something like a biography, focused in how porn have changed my life for over 11 years of addiction since I was 8yo. That "click" moment (maybe you know how it is, if you've completed the book) was in January 2024.
Just after completing the book I lived a couple weeks enjoying what is like to remember how to live a human life of freedom. But this surely wasn't the end of this illness. Back in the day I tried all methods. Willpower, streaks, even paid a subscription to app-block just before I gave up and threw it all, all my life, career and aspirations to thrash. After that I accepted I needed help, and then discovered the book (more than discovering it, because I discovered it in habitica in a time before the first suicide note and academy failure, I accepted I have to give it a serious try, not like the first time). Then, after for once in my life trying to be open minded in something, in my most beaten, broken spirit, soul naked moment, I took a learner role with the book, and I could manage to understand it. I understood the things I understand today, this sounds funny but you may know what I mean, those sort of things you simply can't un-understand. Like how you were thinking before how you thing now, discovering that you aren't alone. That old mind was like being a monkey living in a desert island, didn't know how I got there, didn't know how to get out of there, just making poor, illusory conclusions to survive, like: "I'm feeling depressed and hollow inside because of the death of my brother", the sad truth being that, I wasn't even capable of feeling something about it, because the fog in my brain. Used a lot of things to fill the void, not only porn, but also collecting videogames, thinking that playing games is my purpose in life (that, sadly, isn't an exaggeration of my way of thinking back then) That was the life before the mere act of understanding. That understanding is the same click I'm talking about the click that marked the end of a live of making up false realities to cope with existence, all by myself.
But hear me out, just understanding is not everything. That I realized after living a couple weeks of remembering what living a real life is, like the one I was living when I was a kid, before all of this shit.
The most hearth and mind braking thing was beggining to happen to me. The unavoidable relapse. Even when feeling the most hard trained mind, after feeling one of the best stories in the sea of life of war stories versus this monster, this begun to happen to me: forgetting. I thought forgetting was impossible for things that you just understand. But that's a lie, another made up conclusion of the monkey, now you understand me how it works? Subtle logical ideas that you just have and you don't question. Thruth is, you can un-understand things.
I started to forget how the life was before, that literal hell in this world. Despite of how vastly low my life got in those times, the way I felt in real time how my brain was literally rotting, like the room that all week long, contained my endless cycle of waking up, jacking up, feeling like shit, have to study, don't study, feeling like shit, jacking up because I'm feeling like shit, and playing games in the night because the night is for playing games and rest for the arduous work day, even that literal hell I could forget.
I started to forget it day after day of joy and happiness.
Until the day that it just seemed no so bad to me to watch just one peek, it was by waiting for the ads of an anime page to load, knowing exactly what this pop-up page will show. That day I booked a date with a psychologist (right before starting to read the book I was getting to the neuro psychiatrist) and she told me to keep writing as I was doing for necessity in my most anxious days. But after everything just kept going downstairs. Even after reading the book, before this announced and hyped relapse I wasnt doing it right. I couldn't have a date with my girlfriend, which I told all of this process, making sex and orgasms uncomfortable for her, without having sex. Saying to myself that sex and orgasm with a real woman is ok, but knowing deep inside, that I just don't want to do it right know, and even if this is real, it feels like it is triggering the cycle again, even if it doesn't, I personally feel like it does.
So after finishing the book for the first time, yes I enjoyed freedom, but it wasn't for long. Even before the relapse, every single sex session with my girlfriend seemed to harm my mind. I felt guilty.
Why I failed?
After reading the book one time, I started to have the capability to read other books. I started reading a bunch of them at the same time. "Un día en la vida de Iván denisovich", "la república", and digital minimalism by cal Newport, because I knew that the second problem in my life, born because of and also being a backward feedback to the porn addiction, is internet addiction. So I thought the right next step to take is reading a book to help that addiction too.
I think that was the mistake.
I hate social media, but today I'm posting this because I truly want to know the opinion of people that have the same or more knowledge that me. Usually I write this things for myself, and sometimes I share them with my girlfriend and close ones. But this time I want real competent minds in this field to give me it's opinion, it's the first time I write this kind of things in other language, but I read easy peasy in English so I'm thinking genuinely in spite of "translating" my thoughts.
Today I did the thing I think is the correct step that I didn't saw the first time I read the book. Mainly because of one sentence at the end of it, of one guy saying "some people go on in a eternal cycle of re-reading easy peasy" so I understood ok doing so is bad, then I started reading about digital minimalism, not even the recommended lectures by the hackauthor like the addictive voice recognition technique. And after even watching some coomer meme archive (I know is a good movement, but being realistic, those memes are made by a wide range of people, not everyone of them are psychologists like Allen Carr or the hackauthor, not even people with the introductory science based knowledge of the ones who read the book, and besides of the few memes that cleverly show deep and hard to digest realities, like the ones that helped me realize that even though sex with my partner might be good, I'm acting like a depravate thinking of sex everytime I se her alone with me, the majority of memes are made by people that make memes, not artists, I saw a lot of people still thinking about streaks, and a lot of Christianity, and above all of that, what am I doing watching memes to help an addiction man... )
So after reaching that point I had enough. "I'm walking a long ago twisted path, it's time to go back by the road I've been walking, and pause, and think, and solve... " And today I decided to just read the book again. And I have a number of conclusions to share.

1. This is an example by me, a medical student: what I did the first time reading the book is like reading one article for the exan and getting to the next one just after finishing the last sentence of the previous one. The day of the test, and the test is stumbling across accidental peaks some day, like a pop-up, a social night (don't underestimate this shit like me, even if like me you are poorly social, and while reading those sentences in the book you thought "that advice is not for people like me", one day you'll have to socialize, and damn... That's some relapse factory), or being alone and late in the night, that real life test situations, will ask for your knowledge, and if you just studied it one single time, without the most important thing in learning, which is recalling and "repasar", you are most likely to fail that exam, like I did.
   
2. The information in the book never ceases to be enough for me. Even for the most stubborn, egocentric mind, this book schools. I'm not a newbie, one big chunk of the book is focused to helping people lose the fear and accept the addiction, a lot of time ago I'm not longer in that step, and I understand a lot of the brainwashing pillars and went deeper in those, bun even though, finally reading it again makes me feel like the first time. It feels like there are new words between each paragraph that wasn't there the first time. It feels like there are some ideas that are only readable for people that have live that success time, encountered new traps, and failed.
   
3. This time I'll take my time for this. I've been addicted since 8yo, more than 12 years. Even if I spend another 12 years working on this, it's fine for me as long as I'm free. I felt like I beated the game, and that I'm no noob that have to go back to the tutorial, that the next step would be other books, treat other problems in my life fast, but this is not like a game that you beat, actually you beat the game at the very time you open the book for the first time.
   

A long time have past since I finished easy peasy for the first time, after that I went to the psychologist, relapsed a couple times, touched deep ground, fought multiple times with my values, had a lot of tests, had some peaks, have been heavily concerned about the subject of the relationsheep between the addiction and having sex with my partner, surely the most frustrating and difficult doubt to resolve. But certainly, above all of that, I'm much better that I was that first time finishing easy peasy. And that doesn't end in just comparing me with myself to feel optimistic about the progress in this, that means I'll use this new learning abilities gained for focusing in mi career for one time in my life, failing and living new traps and ideas that always were in the book but I didn't understood the first time, to keep working on this.
What do you think? This is my story in a nutshell, that text I wrote that day after the click, was a 12 hours long, this was just 1, that is the impact of this book in my life, and this post is the new way of feeling that I'm not alone in this, and you can help me, and I can help you, than I'm trying. I thing that text is valuable to share with you, because it can help you, but I'll have to translate it and censor it, maybe one day. The psychologist told me months ago I should share everything I write online, but again, I'll have to censor it, so I kept doing in for me, this is the first time I follow her advice, let's see how we do.
I'll keep reading, keep living, keep working on this, actually I have a decent streak, but I would hate being counting days like my prehistoric times. Hope you don't hate my poor writing so much, hope I'll read your opinions, see ya

Ever since I went through a period of extreme stress, panic, and worry back in 2020 I've been left in this emotionally numb state. The emotional trauma I experienced caused me to become numb to feeling things. I can no longer feel pleasure, arousal, adrenaline, anxiety, etc. I can't laugh like I used to. I no longer have an appetite. I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy. My memory has gotten worse. I have chronic muscle tension on various parts of my body. I have sexual dysfunction.
I've had a lot of tests done to rule out any physical issues. Most tests come back normal. It was found from some blood work that my Iron, Vitamin D, Omegas, Vitamin B6/Zinc, and WBC were on the lower side. I've been supplementing for the last 6 months, but it has made little difference to my symptoms.
I've been on 5 oral antidepressants: Wellbutrin, Rexulti, Trintellix, Auvelity, and Geodon and none of them made a difference.
I've also tried vaping CBD Flower and using sexual supplements like Horny Goat Weed and Maca but none of them were effective.
I just started seeing a Trauma Therapist. I've been seeing her for 5 sessions now. We've done some Somatic and light EMDR exercises, but none of them are helping me shift. She told me that I am suppressing a lot. She also stated that she believes my arousal system is shut down. She's encouraging me to exercise outside of the sessions for at least 30 minutes a day three times a day. She told me to focus on cardio, aerobic, weight lifting, and trauma release exercises. She told me it's important to get the body moving. She's also telling me to stop watching porn. She's also encouraging me to stop drinking caffeine. She's also encouraging me to move out of my parent's house as I am living with relatives who have hurt me.
I am interested in trying Spravato and I am currently talking to a few clinics to get authorized. If Spravato doesn't help, then I will consider TMS.
I grew up dealing with Social Anxiety and being nervous and anxious all of the time around people and social interactions. However, at least I was able to feel emotions and pleasure and sexual pleasure. Now, I don't feel anything. The emotional trauma I experienced back in 2020 changed me. I am not the same person I once was. I feel like life is passing me by the longer I remain in this state. People my age are out here enjoying life and I'm stuck at a dead end job, living with my parents, and laying on my bed on my computer all day.
I am going to continue to fight to have the chance to potentially feel emotions and pleasure again. However, after dealing with this for 4 years it gets discouraging.

Ever since I went through a period of extreme stress, panic, and worry back in 2020 I've been left in this emotionally numb state. The emotional trauma I experienced caused me to become numb to feeling things. I can no longer feel pleasure, arousal, adrenaline, anxiety, etc. I can't laugh like I used to. I no longer have an appetite. I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy. My memory has gotten worse. I have chronic muscle tension on various parts of my body. I have sexual dysfunction.
I've had a lot of tests done to rule out any physical issues. Most tests come back normal. It was found from some blood work that my Iron, Vitamin D, Omegas, Vitamin B6/Zinc, and WBC were on the lower side. I've been supplementing for the last 6 months, but it has made little difference to my symptoms.
I've been on 5 oral antidepressants: Wellbutrin, Rexulti, Trintellix, Auvelity, and Geodon and none of them made a difference.
I've also tried vaping CBD Flower and using sexual supplements like Horny Goat Weed and Maca but none of them were effective.
I just started seeing a Trauma Therapist. I've been seeing her for 5 sessions now. We've done some Somatic and light EMDR exercises, but none of them are helping me shift. She told me that I am suppressing a lot. She also stated that she believes my arousal system is shut down. She's encouraging me to exercise outside of the sessions for at least 30 minutes a day three times a day. She told me to focus on cardio, aerobic, weight lifting, and trauma release exercises. She told me it's important to get the body moving. She's also telling me to stop watching porn. She's also encouraging me to stop drinking caffeine. She's also encouraging me to move out of my parent's house as I am living with relatives who have hurt me.
I am interested in trying Spravato and I am currently talking to a few clinics to get authorized. If Spravato doesn't help, then I will consider TMS.
I grew up dealing with Social Anxiety and being nervous and anxious all of the time around people and social interactions. However, at least I was able to feel emotions and pleasure and sexual pleasure. Now, I don't feel anything. The emotional trauma I experienced back in 2020 changed me. I am not the same person I once was. I feel like life is passing me by the longer I remain in this state. People my age are out here enjoying life and I'm stuck at a dead end job, living with my parents, and laying on my bed on my computer all day.
I am going to continue to fight to have the chance to potentially feel emotions and pleasure again. However, after dealing with this for 4 years it gets discouraging.

Ever since I went through a period of extreme stress, panic, and worry back in 2020 I've been left in this emotionally numb state. The emotional trauma I experienced caused me to become numb to feeling things. I can no longer feel pleasure, arousal, adrenaline, anxiety, etc. I can't laugh like I used to. I no longer have an appetite. I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy. My memory has gotten worse. I have chronic muscle tension on various parts of my body. I have sexual dysfunction.
I've had a lot of tests done to rule out any physical issues. Most tests come back normal. It was found from some blood work that my Iron, Vitamin D, Omegas, Vitamin B6/Zinc, and WBC were on the lower side. I've been supplementing for the last 6 months, but it has made little difference to my symptoms.
I've been on 5 oral antidepressants: Wellbutrin, Rexulti, Trintellix, Auvelity, and Geodon and none of them made a difference.
I've also tried vaping CBD Flower and using sexual supplements like Horny Goat Weed and Maca but none of them were effective.
I just started seeing a Trauma Therapist. I've been seeing her for 5 sessions now. We've done some Somatic and light EMDR exercises, but none of them are helping me shift. She told me that I am suppressing a lot. She also stated that she believes my arousal system is shut down. She's encouraging me to exercise outside of the sessions for at least 30 minutes a day three times a day. She told me to focus on cardio, aerobic, weight lifting, and trauma release exercises. She told me it's important to get the body moving. She's also telling me to stop watching porn. She's also encouraging me to stop drinking caffeine. She's also encouraging me to move out of my parent's house as I am living with relatives who have hurt me.
I am interested in trying Spravato and I am currently talking to a few clinics to get authorized. If Spravato doesn't help, then I will consider TMS.
I grew up dealing with Social Anxiety and being nervous and anxious all of the time around people and social interactions. However, at least I was able to feel emotions and pleasure and sexual pleasure. Now, I don't feel anything. The emotional trauma I experienced back in 2020 changed me. I am not the same person I once was. I feel like life is passing me by the longer I remain in this state. People my age are out here enjoying life and I'm stuck at a dead end job, living with my parents, and laying on my bed on my computer all day.
I am going to continue to fight to have the chance to potentially feel emotions and pleasure again. However, after dealing with this for 4 years it gets discouraging.

Struggling or failing? It's time to own it. Nice guys hide their flaws, trying to put on a false impression of who they are in order to impress others. We don't do that. We're up-front and honest with the fact that we're sinners and failures. James 5:16 compels us to confess our sins to one another and to pray for one another. 1 John 1:9 goes even a step further and makes confession a cornerstone of the Gospel - acknowledging that we are insufficient on our own. So, where are you failing? What do you need to confess?
To do this, it would be helpful to get to know how you're doing in a variety of areas. To that end, just as God is triune, he created us with three core parts of our being: our physical bodies, our heart/mind, and our spirit/soul. Try to cover all three. Use the questions in each category as inspiration, but roll with whatever you need to put out there.
PHYSICAL: How are you doing with lifting? Losing weight? Where's your body fat %? What have you been eating lately? How about your porn/alcohol/drug/cigarette/whatever use? Are you employing kino on your wife properly? Are you going too far with your girlfriend? How's your fashion sense? Are you still lounging around the house in gym shorts and using your ratty flip flops when you go out? How are you spending your time? How's your income doing? Your body is God's temple: are you reflecting that appropriately? For married men: how's your sex life?
MENTAL/EMOTIONAL: How have you been doing reading and learning new things? How's your frame? Do you still struggle with living up to someone else's expectations? Have you mastered Agree & Amplify? Amused Mastery? Negative Inquiry? STFU? Your DNGAF attitude? Are you failing fitness or comfort tests? How are you leading your wife/girlfriend this week? Do you feel pressure from any sources to do something or to act/not act a certain way? Are you depressed or lonely? Are you secure in your heart/mind that God's will is good, even if it's not what you want?
SPIRITUAL: How are you doing on the 7 basics? Rank yourself:

• Assurance of Salvation
• Quiet Time/Devotional
• Bible Study
• Scripture Memory
• Prayer
• Evangelism
• Fellowship

MISSION: Have you solidified your mission - and does it have eternal consequences or does it only affect this world? Does your mission extend beyond the home? Do you have someone discipling you? Are you discipling anyone else? Have you talked with your non-Christian friends about Christ recently? Are there parts of the Bible you're just not understanding? How are things going with your church or small group?
Again, these are all things just to get you thinking. Share where you're really struggling. We may give you some encouragement. We may kick you in the butt and tell you to get to work. Or we may leave you to meditate on your comment yourself. How we respond to your comment and update isn't the point. What matters is that you put it out there so you have a milestone to look back on next week - something where you can ask yourself: have I improved or not?

Hello all.
I was diagnosed with ADHD some months back. I've been struggling with deadlines, sleep, time management etc. almost all my life.
The current problem I want to get out of is that I have not been sleeping properly since the last week or two. Everyday, I go to bed thinking I'll sleep today, but I end up watching porn and masturbating. This lasts for hours! I end up jumping between genres and stuff, hunting for that rush. I end up doing things I regret. By the time I'm done, it would probably be 4, 5 or 6 in the morning! I end up barely taking a nap before getting on to work.
This is badly affecting my life and work. I need to get out of it, but can't.
I had started going to a gym a few weeks back, which I had never been consistent with. I went a week, and then I had to take a break, and the momentum vanished. The days in which I went to the gym were near-perfect. I want to do it again, but somehow end up wasting time on my phone after midnight. I have a sedentary job, so exercising is doubly important.
Now this lack of control is not a new thing, but one which I have been struggling every now and then. What I have noticed is that whenever I am with someone, my partner or friends, this does not happen. It's not like it disappears 100% right away. But since I can't physically watch porn the whole night when I'm with people, things are a bit different. But now and then me and my partner has to stay apart for some days or weeks. These are the times which are the most difficult, like now.
I have seeked help from multiple therapists, but do not continue with anyone. After my psychometric test, and months of similar struggle, I went to see a psychiatrist, and he suggested I buy an activity book and try doing the things it says. As some of you might have guessed, I did not do that either. I went again and since he was a bit reluctant to give meds, I did not push and ended up not seeing him again as well. Similarly, since he suggested I went to a psychologist, but did not pursue since it was a bit more expensive than what I expected.
Now I am in this loop of despair, where I badly want to get out, go to the gym, and do stuff; but when the time for action (sleeping) comes, my brain is like "ah fuck it, 10 minutes won't do any harm" and voila, I am in the spiral. If only I could sleep early one day and go to the gym the next morning, I know things would change, but I somehow can't. This feels like some drug addiction that I can't get out of. I am now afraid that this will badly affect my health and work.
Please help me with suggestions or advices that I can work with. This is my first post here, and I hope people over here might know better than just say to write it down, set a reminder, etc. I have done it all. Nothing works. I might be doomed!
TL;DR: Battling porn vs sleep at night. Affecting mental and physical health. Need help.

Alright, posting here cause i'm a bit concerned.
Over the past few months i've noticed my semen had been clear, not very thick, and a bit watery. Now before you assume i'm a porn addict who jerks off everyday, I quit porn a couple years ago and rarely ever masturbate, although recently (tmi) i've been doing it around once a week.
This concerns me a lot, especially since in the past i've experienced low test levels (293) and (401).
To add on my climax has also been very underwhelming (tmi again but i believe it's important to mention) .
So idk, maybe i'm a bit paranoid, I haven't gotten blood work recently but i plan on it. I'm not overweight either, 5'9 156lbs, like i hit the gym regularly and can see my abs and stuff, I used to be pretty fat though.
Here's the kicker, i'm only 19. I want some advice on what to do and some possibilities of what could be going on. I have a pretty healthy diet too, habit of having been overweight in the past (used to weight in the 230s).
I plan on getting bloodwork done, what hormones should I get checked for this issue if a hormone IS out of wack, what can I do to fix it?
any advice would be appreciated.

Just for the record me male (38) and my wife (34) got married a few years ago in arranged marriage. I was a bit hesitant because of her strabismus (lazy eye) but she seemed like a sweet amd caring person so I went ahead with it..we are now married two years and our sex life sucks..we couldn't consumate until 1 year later and that too with help of Viagra as I suffer from ED and she had vagismus early on which she fixed with dilator..but even now I can only get it in with help of Viagra and it goes soft..haven't been able to ejaculate inside her and our sex life sucks..I have cut down on porn and masturbating significantly but to no avail..I know it's all in my head..our foreplay sessions aren't great..and I feel like the chemistry and attraction is not there what it was in the beginning..I need some help as what to do as I don't wanna go tjr divorce route and want to be able to enjoy sex and start a family soon (aka able to have sex to give birth to a kid)...I know it's not a health issue more do mental because I did testosterone test and it be back normal

Alright, posting here cause i'm a bit concerned.
Over the past few months i've noticed my semen had been clear, not very thick, and a bit watery. Now before you assume i'm a porn addict who jerks off everyday, I quit porn a couple years ago and rarely every masturbate, although recently (tmi) i've been doing it around once a week.
This concerns me a lot, especially since in the past i've experienced low test levels (293) and (401).
To add on my climax has also been very underwhelming (tmi again but i believe it's important to mention) .
So idk, maybe i'm a bit paranoid, I haven't gotten blood work recently but i plan on it. I'm not overweight either, 5'9 156lbs, like i hit the gym regularly and can see my abs and stuff, I used to be pretty fat though.
Here's the kicker, i'm only 19. This isn't a trt post, I don't wanna go on it, just clarifying that since i see folks talk about trt on this sub. I just want some advice on what to do and some possibilities of what could be going on if it is a hormanal issue.
I have a pretty healthy diet too, habit of having been overweight in the past (used to weight in the 230s).
EDIT: What hormones should I get checked for this issue? Obviously i'll get my total and free checked, but what else should I check thay could be causing this problem? if one of those hormones IS out of wack, what can I do to fix it?
any advice would be appreciated.

I've been following this group for awhile now, hoping to find some help and inspiration for my brother who was wonderfully accused of a sex crime.
It started in 2015 when our step-brother was dating a girl in high school. She caught him looking at gay porn and confronted him about it. He told her a story about how his older brother had been molesting him since he was a child, and he's now dealing with all kinds of confusing thoughts because of it. He was 15 at the time and didn't realize the gravity of his story. She told her mom, who told the school counselor, who then got CPS involved. When they brought him in for questioning, he was scared, so he embellished on his story.
My brother was taken in for questioning with a detective, as was our entire family. None of us believed this would've, or even could've happened. We finally got the truth out of our step-brother that he was embarrassed about his sexuality and made the whole thing up. The DA at the time decided not to pursue it any farther. Well, that DA got fired and the new one that entered was out for blood. She opened up every case that had crossed that desk within the previous 5 years, and subsequently pushed them all forward, including my brother's.
He was indicted in 2017 (2 years after first being questioned) for continuous aggravated sexual assault of a minor under the age of 14. Flash forward another 5 years (meanwhile, he had to appear in court every month for reset after reset); he finally got his case heard. Our step-brother wrote letters to the DA and pleaded in person as well to drop the case, that he'd made it all up. The DA threatened him with perjury if he tried to recant his statements, and contempt of court if he refused to testify. He was then 22 years old and on his way to law school. Those charges would've hurt him severely, so instead of pushing the issue, my brother decided to accept a plea deal to a much lesser charge. He got 5 years probation, deferred adjudication, and 15 years as a RSO.
Because of this corrupt system, my brother is having one heck of a time finding employment, let alone a place to live. He's been bouncing between family members, but our patience is running thin trying to support him. It's difficult for him to navigate his life with the cards all stacked against him. Mind you, I know there are opportunities out there for RSOs, but the depression he's found himself in has been a huge setback, not only for him, but our entire family.
How did the 'un'-justice system come to be this way, where not even the alleged victim can speak freely without fear of legal consequences? My brother was required to take two polygraph tests, both of which he passed, yet he still has to face these charges. The silver lining is that after he finishes probation, the charges will be dropped and won't appear on his record, but he'll still have to register for another 10 years.
To add salt to the wound, last week he received a call from someone claiming to be a detective with the county. He said that my brother was in violation of his registration requirements and was facing a warrant unless he paid $2,500. Luckily, we can smell a scam a mile away. We contacted the local dispatcher and they informed us that numerous SOs have fallen victim to the plight. As if what he's dealing with isn't bad enough, now he's being preyed upon as well. This all just seems so unfair.
I know there's no one here that can offer any resolve, but I really needed to rant about this. I never thought I'd become an advocate for SOs, yet here I am. I had no idea the struggles everyone has to deal with just to get their lives back on track. I spoke with an attorney friend of mine about the situation, and she very eloquently said that if my brother had had enough money to hire a good lawyer, his case would never have seen the light of day. It really is an unfair game the courts play with people's lives. I feel for you all, and for those of us maintaining a strong support system for those we love.