Supplments in place of adderall

I'm 17 and I've tried to kill myself 3 times by hanging and reason that didn't work is because I don't have a rope, I used an extension cord. I think about suicide every single day every hour only reason I'm even alive still is cause I can't find a method to do it I've tried ordering (won't name it but it's poison) a substance online but couldn't buy it cause I'm not 18 yet ii spend at least an hour a day looking on google earth for a spot to jump and die at but the area I live has no high spots unfortunately so it appears unless I figure out how to hang myself, I'm stuck here until I find a method/spot
so basically how I ruined my life is that I dropped out of high school and have been doing nothing since I'm a failure at everything and have no energy to even go outside I'm not a good person but I'm not a horrible human at the same time I don't understand why I'm even on this earth I don't understand the concept of life or why people who arnt rich even enjoy it I was born into a family that's more towards the non-wealthy side
ever since I was a kid I've never had goals in life funny enough that was a question that was brought up in school a lot I've never been able to answer the most simple things in school for ex. questions like your goals, what you did that day, who are your hero's, favorite shows, random shit like that I've always felt different from everyone else and I know I am, I'm undiagnosed with everything but I'm pretty sure I have many mental illnesses I know for sure I have depression and very very severe social anxiety (I can't handle normal conversations using my voice with people I don't know) I can't even talk to people online with my voice I always just tell them I don't have a mic also I think I might have ocd or something to do with patterns cause I used to be so obsessive with patterns if I didn't end my path on my right foot id half to step off and back on or just go all the way back where I started, and another thing is adhd when I used to go to school I would be so unfocused no matter how hard I tried if I tried my best to focus I would focus too much on the fact that I need to focus and somehow my teacher would explain everything and id be lost
my school life was horrible for me ii want to go back so bad so I can at least have some sort of chance at life, but I know I'd be so miserable I don't even know why it was so bad for me it's not like I got bullied or anything I had friends not close friends but friends I didn't talk to anyone outside of my friends and I never had a girlfriend (I girl liked me once but I walked away because of my social anxiety) I would just sleep through every class until the day I stopped going I missed more than half of freshman year and half of sophomore I went like a month of junior year until I dropped out
it's not like I'm a dumb or horrible looking person idk if it's just me being bias towards myself but I'm decently smart I learn things quickly and I'm average looking but my main flaw is that I've never been able to process the first step in anything it's like the first step in anything is mentally impossible for me to get over. I've always had potential and I think that's what's going to sting the most after i end it
every day after to me seems like an endless loop and I'm stuck in it without a way out I've made some friends online (we all don't speak) but I'm still so miserable I can't do anything I feel like I'm so stuck I've tried to ask my grandpa if I can get tested for adhd but he just said "you can't have it that's when u jump all over the walls and stuff" obv he means people who have a lot of energy and to an extent he's right I do nothing but play games all day to cope with the fact I hate myself if I'm not playing games I'm browsing suicide forums or reddit communities based on suicide I want to get my GED or something but it's like I don't have the energy to make the first steps at all
also this happened recently but I found Vyvanse pills (stimulants for people with adhd) I took 5 (I know I shouldn't have) and I felt so much better like I was actually happy and I felt like I could actually do things (I wasted 4 playing games cause I was a lot better when I took them though) with my last one I actually went outside I didn't go out for a good reason though I had the energy I needed so I went out to check out a cell tower to climb so I could do what the forum name is only reason I didn't do it is cause it was gated but it still gave me motivation to acc do stuff I ordered more Adderall pills online from the dark web after they get delivered I'm going to use them so I have the energy to kill myself.
I honestly don't know why I wrote this I think I just needed to vent it's all over the place but oh well hopefully one of my family members use my pc and read this after I die so they can understand how miserable I was or something
if you have any ideas of how I can get my life back on track lmk.

Already posted this is shrooms but thought I would post here as well. This is very important: I DO NOT CONDONE THE USE OF SUBSTANCES this is for educational purposes only
A little backstory, I’m 19M and have stuttered all my life. I’m not a very self conscious person but stuttering is my kryptonite. When I say I stutter I don’t mean I trip up on words hear and there I mean nearly every word I say can take me anywhere from a second to 30 seconds if I’m really having a bad block. A good portion of my life revolves around my stuttering. It dictates anything from my major in college to even the food I eat. It makes me feel less than human and is stopping me from being the person I want to be, at least that’s what it feels like. Through the years I have naively taken substances when I was far too young to both experiment and suppress the anxieties caused/formed by my stutter. Some of the substances were prescribed like Xanax and adderall while others I took to recreationally like MDMA, MDA, shrooms, LSD, alcohol, weed and some other more niche compounds. Most of there were done at wayyy to young of an age and I wouldn’t doubt it some of these causes lasting side effects even the LSD and shrooms which are physically safe. I stopped taking those drugs besides weed and alcohol until this year. (Sorry for the long backstory started rambling)
Fast forward to now me and three of my friends went on a climbing road trip with the first destination on our trip being Zion. We planned to take a 1/8 of GT each besides for my one friend who was going to take 2.5 since it was his first time. We took them on an empty stomach and started walking to our pre planned spot. They start hitting and fast, I have a decent bit of experience taking shrooms and have taken up to 5g with a good bit of experience of taking around 1/8 but these hit me like a train. We settle down in our spot when my friend who’s first time it was doing shrooms takes off with no shoes on in Zion national park without saying a word. It took us a while to realize because prior to taking off he was chilling in a dead tree near by and thought he needed some alone time. Anyways the three of us that are left start getting worried and we don’t know what to do. My one friend starts looping, saying “where’s __” over and over again but unfortunately repeating his name doesn’t summon him. At this point we are stopping balls and have no clue what to do but wait and hope he returns. I tried to calm him down saying he will be fine but honestly I wasn’t sure but at the time we couldn’t come up with a plan to find him (we did go looking for him but we were looping so hard there was no chance). This caused a lot of subtle anxiety for the first part of our trip with my one friend ever minute or so saying “where’s __” still. Our lost friend eventually appears out of the brush looking like a 6” 3’ hobbit it was quite a sight. I was scaring thinking he was off having a horrible trip or got hurt but the first thing he says is I quote “I know everything” to which I laughed and though to myself I have had that thought before this kid is tripping balls. Anyways we were all very relived but he tried to leave again saying he was feeling better away from the group which I get we probably weren’t giving off the best vide at that point but we didn’t want to stress over losing his again so I decided to tag along. This is where the stuttering backstory comes in, sorry again for the long post I wasn’t expecting to give a full trip report but here we are.
I was sitting with him on a tree nearby when we started taking about what he had just experienced/ is experiencing. It was very broken English but he was saying how we are all one and exclaimed how beautiful the whole experience had been and started asking me question about my trip and past trips. We somehow got to the topic of anxiety and the cause of it. When I started thinking about it I started to have very basic but meaningful realizations about my anxiety surrounding my stutter. I started speaking to my friend and rarely stuttering and even when I did, I didn’t care one bit, the anxiety I usually feel in the back of my throat wasn’t there and I could speak for the first time in my life. The whole we are all one mind set along with the heavy ego dissolution made me not care about if I stuttered or not it was beautiful. I felt like I could talk to anyone and not have the weight of my stutter glooming over me. I realized they are just people and their judgment (if they even are judging because the assumption that they are judging me is egotistical in a way since I am assuming they care about me enough to judge) shouldn’t effect the way I carry out my life and stop me from being happy. I also thought I am the one causing this anxiety for myself and all of this worry is for nothing since why be shameful about something I can’t change. I would always try to tell myself these things in my day to day life but I never really felt it. When I was tripping I was able to feel these thought and look at them in a new perspective I have never been able to in the past. No amount of alcohol, Xanax, MDMA or any other drug for that matter could have shown me that. During the trip I though I had cured my stutting even telling me friend I think I won’t be stuttering any more after this. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case but now I know it’s possible to reach that point, I feel I should have done a better job integrating my trip but there is still time and I plan to work on it. Maybe I say fuck it and pull a Paul stamets instead ha no jk. Anyways that’s a long story long sorry it was so drawn out and all over the place this wasn’t even the full trip but some of the more important bits. Hope you got something out of this but it was more of a vent because as one would image verbally telling a story to someone feels impossible with a stutter so it feels good get it out somehow.

Hi, I just turned 23 last year, I make ~50-60k/yr I have a finance degree from what (post my graduation) just became a D1 school. I have a nice apartment, own my car, ~$35k savings, NO college debt (my mom works at a university and I got accepted into the tuition exchange program and didn’t live on campus), no girlfriend, no friends who have any goals that place them outside of where we all grew up and didn’t go to college, I’m amazing at building relationships and love doing it. I help manage a startup branch of a larger supplement company and things are going horribly cause I’m not making as much money as I’d like and I honestly don’t LOVE the industry. I love the job, just hate what I’m doing it in if that makes any sense.
I’m smart enough to know that something is not right. I’m in normal shape, not jacked but definitely not fat. I’ve barely been eating but also take 10mg of adderall a day. I smoke weed every day and drink 4/7 days a week, 3/7 I’d say I actually get drunk on.
I hate everything about my life currently, but feel trapped and don’t know how to get out. People around me would love to be in the situation I’m in as far as assets and comparable success at my age—especially being part of the college group that DIDN’T drop out or take a break during covid.
I just stopped going to therapy because there is literally so little going on in my life (there’s not very much work to do at all) that there literally aren’t any REAL problems to talk about.
This is the part where a lot of people think I need to just relax and keep saving and grow slowly, but that just feels so wrong. It would feel like I am settling if I did that. I need constant growth and the ability to keep learning. I’ve run out of things (career and people wise) to learn about. I hang out with people I’ve known for a while who are doing nothing and have a job that is doing the same thing.
Help

My DX boyfriend has been struggling to find the right combination of Adderall that works well for him. This is the fourth time they’ve altered his meds. He’s now on 15mg instant release, and can take one in the morning and another in the afternoon if needed. I personally feel like it’s not really helping… He’s moody, He’s all over the place, which is to be expected as he’s bipolar without medication for that. But yes, he gets things done I suppose.
For the past week now, my boyfriend cannot just sit down and spend time with me. Every time he comes to my house, he’s cleaning or cooking or something. Honestly I’m exhausted just watching him. Is this normal…?
Today, he came home from work and I walked in to him vacuuming the floors. Then he rearranged the furniture in the extra bedroom (we’d mentioned it a couple of times), Then he cooked dinner. I walked downstairs to check on him and he’s still piddling around just doing all kinds of random tasks and I’m trying to grit my teeth and be grateful that he’s helping so much but I’m really frustrated.
I just want him to sit down and hang out and I have not seen him sit for more than an hour except to sleep.
Help???

Hey guys
I'm 5 months pregnant and due in September. I'm a 23 YO girl who just got out of homelessness. I am in credit card debt, my score falls more and more each day, and I suffer from a range of mental illnesses (Depression, bipolar -doctors suspect, still need tests ran to confirm -ADHD, OCD, and anxiety)
I just got back into school, and I'm getting used to "being a student" again. Surprisingly, I'm doing very well - I actually graduated with the top of my class back in high school, so academics are something that have always come easy to me. As far as employment, I work an extremely part time job as of now and barely get any hours in. Before I went back to school, I was a notorious job hopper, mostly due to personal life reasons but a few reasons being job performance and anger out bursts + rage quitting at work.
before discovering how dysfunctional and incapable of fitting into society I was - it has always been a dream of mine to be a mom. I feel like I come from a very broken and estranged family, so being able to find/create a family of my own has always been the goal.
I have calmed down and started working on myself a few months before discovering I was pregnant. I plan on getting on medication as soon as my son arrives and I am actively looking for CBT therapists to hopefully help me become functional again. My patience has gotten better and my anger issues are also improving.
When I was a homeless dancer, I was on drugs (coke, alcohol, adderall, and made some wreckless and impulsive decisions, especially concerning my sexual safety). I slept with 4 guys, but all wore condoms except 2. I would have to request a paternity test from both of them to confirm who the father is, but the guy I really suspect is a long time FWB I had long before becoming homeless. I slept with him to get coke.
That should tell you enough about the mental aptitude of me and the father. He's actually in a good place financially and could help out with co-parenting but he's made it clear he doesn't want to be a father and even told me to go get an abortion even though I'm 5 months in.
I don't want to be associated with either of those two guys after my son is born.
I can't even afford my OBGYN visits - I have to figure out how to meet the deductible for my insurance company or I have to call an adoption agency and find a family who's willing to cover my labor and OBGYN appointments. I also heard horror stories of new borns being taken from their birth mother immediately after labor and I already know myself and know I wouldn't handle a situation like that. I would like to have AT LEAST 30 minutes of holding my baby or spending a few days in the hospital with him before he's taken from me.
I've convinced myself that if I were to put my son up for adoption, he would come back in my life but that is no guarantee. I'm convinced my financial situation will improve though, and I do think my mental health will be a lot better within the next 5 years but those are no guarantee either. With or without my child, I want to improve my life and I can feel myself never going back to what I was before. My plans are to get a job working assistant admin by next year since I'll have my associates, pay my credit card debt off, and by the time I graduate with my bachelor's, I hope I can land a better paying admin job.
I already know once my son is here, and if I have to give him up for adoption, I'll live everyday with a bitter and broken heart. I was already kind of detached and cold and felt so spiteful and bitter about the world before he came, when I have to give him up, I know I'll be hurt yet again by the world, but at the same time I would love with soooo much relief knowing he's in the hands of a loving two parent home with all the resources he needs. And if something happens with the adoption/foster care system, I pray I'll be in a better financial situation by then and let him come back home.

Sorry this is long, but wanted to be thorough. Let me know your thoughts.
Growing up I had chronic ear infections, in high school I was constantly sick, frequently with what seemed to be bacterial infections. I got my first yeast infection when I was 13 before ever being sexually active. I also struggled with oral thrush frequently in high school. I've also never been overweight and my diet growing up was mostly very healthy due to my parents, but I had a really bad sugar craving. My period started around 12 and up until I started taking oral contraceptive at 16, it was very heavy and very painful with strong PMS. I've also struggled to fall asleep my entire life, I did not nap as a child and to this day I cannot nap unless I am very sick.
When I was 17yrs old (female), I went to the doctor with abdominal pain, extreme lack of appetite and nausea if I did eat, trouble sleeping, concentrating, fatigue, depression. At the time I had been on oral contraceptive for about 2 years.. They did a blood test and the results were:
Serum Iron - 198mcg/dL (reference range: 26-169) HIGH
Iron Saturation - 55% (reference range: 15-55%) ALMOST HIGH
Ferritin 29ng/mL (reference range: 15-77) Normal
TIBC - 361ng/dL (reference: 250-450) Normal
UIBC - 163ug/dL (reference: 131-425) Normal
TSH - 1.85 uIU/mL (reference: 0.450-4.500) Normal
T4, free - 2.1ng/dL (reference: 1.2-4.9) Normal
MCV - 97 cumicron (79-97) ALMOST HIGH
MCH - 31.6 cumicron (26.6-33.0) normal
Monocytes - 6%
At the time the doctor decided I had high inflammation in my body and put me on an inflammation diet and a lot of supplements (amino acids, black seed oil, vitD, etc). It seemed to work after 3 months of strict diet and supplementation. I switched to a hormonal IUD in 2019. Throughout college I struggled with low energy and low mood and after a year of therapy was diagnosed with clinical depression by my therapist. I decided to not take medication for it. I've also been experiencing abdominal pain that radiates down my legs for multiple years. The abdominal pain was so bad I went to get checked for endometriosis last spring but they can't diagnose it without surgery, but the IUD is correctly placed.
Two months ago (24 years old) I went into the doctors to get tested for hypothyroidism since my mother had it and I had developed Reynaud's syndrome (I've always had very cold sensitive feet though) a month after starting adderall for ADHD and low energy (started in January). I had also been experiencing wrist joint pain, hair loss, and low appetite, but did not think much of it. The results were:
TSH - 2.510 uIU/m (reference: 0.450-4.500) Normal (higher than at 17)
MCV - 98 fL (80-96) HIGH
MCH - 33.3 pg (27.5-33.2) HIGH
Monocytes - 8.3% (0.0-7.3%) HIGH
I weighed 131 lbs then.
However, the Reynaud's was not improving and I was still experiencing symptoms of back pain and joint pain and abdominal pain. I also was losing weight and experiencing hair loss.
The rheumatologists tests one months ago came back normal with no sign of autoimmune disease. She said the reynaud's is probably just the adderall increasing my blood vessel spasms. (my blood pressure was low for someone on adderall however: 100/65).
I weighed 123 lbs then.
Then I went to another doctor, two weeks ago, when I kept experiencing random muscle weakness and fatigue, had blood in my stool (which I had again today), joint pain in multiple joints and lower back pain and abdominal pain and pain in my sides near where the ribcage ends. Something is wrong. She took more blood tests and they came back with:
Serum Iron - 175ug/dL (reference: 27-159) HIGH
Iron Saturation - 67% (reference 15-55%) HIGH
Ferritin - 58ng/mL (reference: 15-77) Normal (higher than at 17)
TIBC - 263ug/dL (reference: 250-540) Normal (lower than at 17)
UIBC - 88ug/dL (reference: 131-425) LOW (much loser than at 17)
TSH - 4.05 uIU/mL (0.45-4.5) Normal (Almost double the past tests)
T4, free - 1.51ng/dL (0.82-1.77) Normal
APTT - 37 sec (reference: 24-33sec) HIGH
MCV - 96 cumicron (79-97) ALMOST HIGH
MCH - 32.5 cumicron (26.6-33.0) ALMOST HIGH
monocytes - 8% (0.0-7.3%) HIGH
This is not all the results but they are the most constantly high or changing ones. We also ruled out Addison's (my grandpa had it) and autoimmune markers are all coming back normal. I'm thinking I get checked for hemochromatosis. Any other thoughts or ideas about what the problem could be? I have stool samples being run right now.
Thank you.

I’m a 19 yr old who took up smoking about a year ago and have been a daily user ever since. It started off as a social thing but I found it really helped with CPTSD symptoms.
It dulls out a lot of bad memories and now I can go much longer without thinking about them. Also I found it helps prevent spiraling and insomnia almost instantly and overall just helps me push through the day. It helped me realize that it’s possible for me to live without being plagued by intrusive thoughts and ruminating about everything.
My therapist also thinks it’s alright, as long as I don’t go overboard with it. Ive been worried about my usage though because I saw some things about people saying how your brain doesn’t finish developing till your 25, and if you use marijuana before that it can permanently stunt brain development and memory or whatnot. I don’t know how true this is, but if it is I’d be worried. I’m a game developer and things like memory and being smart are pretty important to me.
But if I were to quit or heavily limit usage I’d probably need to take some other medication in its place… And other people I know with mental illnesses are being prescribed things like Xanax, adderall, and forms of meth… To me that sounds so much worse than weed and maybe it’s even worse for your brain
Currently I use a cart and smoke usually 2-3 times a day. And occasionally joints. When I smoke it’s not really to the point I’m getting very high just enough to feel the effects. I’ve been thinking about limiting use to weekends only, but when I’ve tried going a week or a few days without smoking I started having more frequent spiraling, meltdowns and insomnia.
I do everything I should to keep a healthy relationship with my usage. I monitor how much I consume and go on week long tolerance breaks every few months. I also have other ways to cope with things like journaling and going on walks.
A lot of my non smoker friends think I’m crazy for smoking daily and that I should stop completely, while my friends who do smoke thing I’m fine and I smoke much less than them.
What are your experiences using marijuana to treat CPTSD?
What are some suggestions or advice you have for me?

My girlfriend (F38) and I (M37) have been together for 3 years and have a 20 month old son together. Their motheson bond is huge, and it is quite apparent that they love each other. The two of us, as partners and parents however, are struggling.
When we met through a mutual friend in 2021 things were great. We could both say that it was the best relationship of our lives. She moved in with me 3 months after dating and was pregnant 4 months after moving in.
We both have some issues with substance use/abuse. I smoke an obscene amount of weed (legal where we live) and she likes to drink to the point where she has admitted that she struggles with alcohol addiction. (She also helped me realize that I indeed struggle with cannabis addiction myself.)
When she was pregnant in 2022 I was unable/unwilling to quit smoking. The smell bothered her greatly when she was pregnant and said that it was the cause of her unbearable heartburn. I did cut back, but not in any truly meaningful way. We had our first big fight while she was pregnant, and began fighting more and more, and in bigger ways.
She had birth complications in the hospital and the doctors trying to induce her pregnancy caused a lot of vaginal pain and trauma for her. So much so that she had to schedule a C-section. As a result of that trauma, we haven't had sex, aside from two times, since our son was conceived. (One of which was when she was freshly pregnant)
In fall of 2023 she was closing the bar she worked at and was chased to her car by a strange man. She quit working then which ended up placing a financial burden on me and our relationship.
In Spring 2024 she started a social media management company and started doing social media at a bar she used to work at.
In May 2024 we got in another huge fight and she told me that she wanted to break up. (She had said that before but this time she started looking for an apartment) I also found out that she was talking to one of her male friends who works at the bar and had developed an emotional relationship with him and were texting back and forth but assured me that it was never physically (which I do believe). When I found out I told the guy to back off or I would tell his girlfriend, and she tried to act like I didn't have a leg to stand on because we "already broke up." (She told me that she wanted to break up on a Wednesday, and on the following Saturday I found out that they had been texting about the possibility of hooking up. But the two of them had been texting about non work stuff and flirting before she actually broke up with me)
We both have traumas, her more than me. Mine are all relationship traumas from being in emotionally abusive relationships and being cheated on. Hers go deeper: her dad left the family when she was young, her late mother and her had a love/hate relationship, She was physically abused by a fiance, She was cheated on multiple times by an ex-husband, She had a traumatic birth complication, and she was assaulted (chased) by a man at night leaving work.
Because of her trauma and anxiety she talks to me in a negative and aggressive way pretty often. She always used to say "I'm from the Northeast, this is just how we talk." But I think there is unresolved trauma that makes her lash out at me. She also spends a decent amount of time out at the bar "working" but also hanging out. (I also spend my fair share of time blazing in the garage) I also think she may have General Anxiety Disorder coupled with lingering postpartum depression. She used to be prescribed adderall for ADD but stopped taking it when she got pregnant. Shortly after our son was born I found her a therapist to talk about postpartum depression, but she wouldn't follow through with making the appointment.
Since she stopped working in September 2023 (after being chased) I have gone into debt covering all of the household bills and her personal bills. I pay the mortgage, I give her money to pay bills and student loans, I buy all of the groceries, I buy her vapes, I give her a few bucks to grab a drink or a coffee when she is out, She watches our son while I am at work two days a week and my parents watch him the other 3 so she can do her social media job and project management job. I also feel like when we are home together, she is too overwhelmed and I end up being the one to take care of our son. (Oftentimes on the weekend she sleeps in while I get up with our son because she is often a grumpy/angry morning person)
It is also worth noting that I bear the brunt of her attitude. Our son gets the happiest, most engaging mother when they are interacting together. Friends and acquaintances get the cool, funny, laid back version of her (unless she is calling someone out for something social justice related)
She also doesn’t have a valid ID because she let her out of state ID lapse when we first got together, and doesn’t have her old marriage/divorce paperwork together to get a new one. Because of her anxiety, and my enabling, she hasn’t had a license for over 2 years. Furthermore, she drives my second car uninsured (sometimes after drinking)
The bottom line is that I still love her immensely and can't imagine my life with anyone else. She has expressed nothing but confusion and ambiguity for what our future holds. One minute she is talking about getting an apartment, the next she is talking about what kind of flooring we should put in the basement. She said that she doesn't want to see other people or anything, she just wants to get her life in order, and that she can't do that with me.
Has anyone else gone through anything similar? Any advice is welcomed.

Why?
It’s NOT the workload, at all. You guys will definitely be able to handle that although it can pile up at times. It’s the high pressure, competition, and high school like environment. It was truly terrible but I got through it and so will y’all… and fyi I had multiple years off and breezed through undergrad with a 4.0
My advice is to keep your friends and family close. You will have to fight to take care of your mental and physical health. FIGHT for it. Schedule therapy monthly, force yourself to go to the gym, force yourself to get out of the law school bubble periodically.
I didn’t do enough of the above and I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. My skin broke out and I lost so much hair. It’s REALLY easy to ignore your needs and end up in a bad place mentally/physically, just know that. Full disclosure: I had to take antidepressants lol.
Here’s a summary of my 1L experience. All closed book exams (except for one), some professors not giving us practice exams, professors not making expectations for assignments or exams clear and having to press them for information. A lot of chill people, yes, but a lot of bitches (for lack of a better word) and highly insecure people. Extremely cliquey from the second week on. Competition was palpable at all times during the year. Everyone on adderall. Asking for notes/outlines was taboo. Most people are not open about how much they are struggling, so it can feel like you’re the only one going crazy. But it’s all a facade.
Sorry for the very negative post but I wish I read something like this one year ago. Enjoy your summer and good luck!! 1L year will not be easy but you can make it better.
Edit: Context might be useful here. I’m at a decent tier 2 school. I have friends across the spectrum of schools (T4 to T14) and I think the experience has been pretty consistent. I imagine at a T14, there might be less pressure since everyone is expected to have a great outcome. But my friends who go to those schools are still struggling, even if they’re not worried about being able to find a job (or a biglaw job) at all. And I would also like to think there are those (lucky) people who actually enjoyed 1L. TL;DR 1L might not pan out the way I describe it here. Keep an open mind!

ADHD and ADD Medication Issues.
My ADHD diagnosis came shortly after both of my sons were diagnosed. I went through a lengthy series of psychological tests. After being diagnosed, I was referred to a psychiatrist who wrote my first script to treat me.The first time I took my meds It was like a light bulb turned on in my head. My thoughts were clear, I was able to achieve goals and retain what I read. I struggled through high school and college with this disability. What people could do in an hour took me three. I made and used flash cards of the notes I took throughout college. It angers me when people are smug and refuse meds for their children, expecting them to outgrow ADHD or ADD. I have often said that one of my goals to rally people for legislative change. In many states, you are only able to get a script for one month, and/or your insurance company will only pay for a thirty day supply. The amount of anxiety that is induced by having to time things perfectly is ridiculous. I did it for 16 years for my children and have been doing it for almost twenty years for myself. I am suspicious of the shortages, especially when it comes to the new generic Vyvanse. Apparently, it is being produced but nowhere to be found in any drug store yet. My psychiatrist had to appeal twice to my insurance company to continue prescribing brand Vyvanse because their formulary only allowes time released adderall generic. That drug makes me crabby and gives me serious rebound at the end of the day, the reasons I stopped taking it 12 years ago! And no, thank you, I am not interested in adding another drug to combat rebound. I am NOT sorry for the rant. I welcome suggestions for how we can organize and collectively lobby for legislative change for the discrimination perpetuated by insurance companies and limits placed on the ability of physicians certified to provide he best mental health care they can to their patients. This should never have to include producing anxiety about getting our meds! I am up for a challenge! Are you? If Game Stop stock was able to change the market, surely we should be able to do this for our health and those that come after us!

My ADHD diagnosis came shortly after both of my sons were diagnosed. I went through a lengthy series of psychological tests. After being diagnosed, I was referred to a psychiatrist who wrote my first script to treat me.The first time I took my meds It was like a light bulb turned on in my head. My thoughts were clear, I was able to achieve goals and retain what I read. I struggled through high school and college with this disability. What people could do in an hour took me three. I made and used flash cards of the notes I took throughout college. It angers me when people are smug and refuse meds for their children, expecting them to outgrow ADHD or ADD. I have often said that one of my goals to rally people for legislative change. In many states, you are only able to get a script for one month, and/or your insurance company will only pay for a thirty day supply. The amount of anxiety that is induced by having to time things perfectly is ridiculous. I did it for 16 years for my children and have been doing it for almost twenty years for myself. I am suspicious of the shortages, especially when it comes to the new generic Vyvanse. Apparently, it is being produced but nowhere to be found in any drug store yet. My psychiatrist had to appeal twice to my insurance company to continue prescribing brand Vyvanse because their formulary only allowes time released adderall generic. That drug makes me crabby and gives me serious rebound at the end of the day, the reasons I stopped taking it 12 years ago! And no, thank you, I am not interested in adding another drug to combat rebound. I am NOT sorry for the rant. I welcome suggestions for how we can organize and collectively lobby for legislative change for the discrimination perpetuated by insurance companies and limits placed on the ability of physicians certified to provide he best mental health care they can to their patients. This should never have to include producing anxiety about getting our meds! I am up for a challenge! Are you? If Game Stop stock was able to change the market, we should be able to do this for our health and those that come after us.

wow. cant believe five years of looking for the right medication i was looking in the wrong place. soon as i took adderall my depersonalization and anxiety vanished and my mind went quiet. i never thought adhd could be this detrimental holy shit. so glad to have caught this early on 🤞🤞

i’m having hallucinations and i’ve never dealt with anything like this before.. i hallucinated rats in my apartment, realistic enough that i called my super to let him know we had rats. when i was waiting for him to come by i sat on the couch trembling and half crying, and suddenly thought to myself “what if i’m hallucinating? what if it’s just part of the brick? or shadows in the corner?”) i was scared shitless frozen to the couch, weird because i’m not even scared of rats and hallucinate a rat scurrying out of the brick and stopping to clean itself, you know like the downward face rub, and then just stays in place. vivid enough that i cover my mouth in shock. “we actually have rats….oh fuck WE HAVE RATS!!) i cry, shake, make eye contact with the one under this mirror in the living room, and get the courage to go up to the brick where there was the one from before and like 3 others. It doesn’t move away when I walk up. I look to the side of the brick, thinking that is how I’ll know of course, it hasn’t moved. Not a single rat to be found. All 20 something of these rats sending me into a panic attack were actually my kitchen scissors, various cracks in the wall etc. i realized what was happening and started to tremble more, and dart my eyes around. what i see is half formed hallucinations of rats back in their places. at this moment, i knew. and then my super showed up and couldn’t find a hole anywhere ofc, i tell him i’ll just let him know if i see one again, weird that there was no hole near the kitchen, etc. also this all happened like 20 mins ago. google is not helpful. telling me it’s stress, anxiety, etc. and then major stuff like schizophrenia and psychosis. obviously none of that. i take prescription wellbutrin and adderall xr, adderall really only on weekends to do work. i don’t really get anxiety often and literally just mild depression. how could it be a mental thing, you know? i’m really just scared and confused. experiencing hallucinations like this, coupled with confusion, dizziness, fatigue, disassociation, trembling, increased heart rate, and headache. does this match any cause you know of?
tldr: i am having very vivid hallucinations of rats in my apartment, currently experiencing confusion, fatigue, dizziness, headache, increased heart rate. never dealt with this before, before this i slept 16hrs. i take wellbutrin and adderall xr that play no role in this, i would be able to identify that. what the fuck is happening to me?

I’m sorry this post is so long!! I’m just freaking out and need clarity. Throwaway account.
I (f24) have been married for 6 months to my husband (m29) and I just found out I’m pregnant (on Mother’s Day of course). I’m very early (about 2 weeks) but I missed my period by 2 days and knew I had to take a test because my period is ALWAYS on time. 4 strong positives. I know it’s early and nothing is for sure yet, but these thoughts are already consuming me.
We started trying right after our honeymoon but stopped because we wanted to wait until we had better jobs and had more security. We also wanted to wait until our lease was up in September to move to a bigger place to start trying again.
Now, I just landed a great job. Like literally JUST started this job 2 weeks ago. The store isn’t open yet, but I was brought in early as the head of my department and I am currently interviewing and hiring my team that will work under me. The place should be open in July and I will have the opportunity to do some of my work from home, but I feel like an idiot telling these owners that I’ll eventually need maternity leave, when they’re not even open yet. Will I even qualify for FMLA if I haven’t worked there for a full year? They are great people with history working in HR and women owned. A lot of my job is community outreach and networking events.
I also have severe ADHD and am prescribed adderall. I am TERRIFIED of having to come off of it and if given the option, I won’t. Taking it is the only way I am able to function as a human, let alone as a work professional. I’d be willing to taper my dose down but to stop altogether would make my life absolutely miserable. I stopped cold turkey 2 years ago due to the shortage and fell into the worst depressive episode of my life and since getting back on it, I don’t want to compromise my well-being like that again if i can prevent it. I am prescribed my adderall through a telehealth provider that I meet with once every 3 months in person, and monthly over zoom. I don’t know if she’ll continue to prescribe it to me if she knows i’m pregnant or if my OBGYN (who I haven’t established a relationship with yet because I just got my insurance moved over to my husband’s insurance) will allow me to stay on it or help me remain prescribed if my telehealth provider refuses. I’ve been reading that it’s safe to take low doses of adderall if needed during pregnancy but I might need to see a high risk OB?
My husband is currently waiting on a promotion that would move him closer to home (his commute would go from 45 mins to 15 mins) and get us more money, but not enough to support us both on his income alone. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet as I just found out today and he’s at work. I know he’ll be so ecstatic once I tell him but I’m just so nervous. If i tell him in a cute way and get his hopes up, it would be cruel to tell him that I might be doubting following through with it. Idk if I’m doubting it. I know I want to be a mom and I know this baby will be so loved and we were going to start trying again in a few months anyway, but I guess I’m just worried about the timing of it all. I just need some clarity and some encouraging words/advice. Anything would help. TIA!!
TLDR; I JUST found out I’m pregnant after I JUST landed my first life-changing big girl job and I have ADHD and need some advice/clarity/encouragement!

I know this isnt exactly TRT, but ive read HCG injections are common place with guys on TRT so i figured some people here would be knowledgable on it. im in my early 30s and have been monitoring my testosterone levels for a few years. I basically fall right on the borderline area of where its recommended to take TRT and as much as I want too Ive been holding out mainly because I know its a life long commitment, and my life generally hasnt been very consistent for a few years. my levels were around 550, i was in a serious accident and even after a little less than year of recovery I tested at around 250, then after 5-6 months of some serious weight lifting/exercise, supplementation and diet I was able to get up to about 350 naturally.
I still think I can continue getting my levels up higher naturally or at least am willing to try a little longer, but after continuing to suffer with some memory issues and brainfog related my previous accident on top of an ADHD diagnoses ive had since i was a kid, my doctor and I came to the conclusion that getting back on adderall again after 10 years off of it, might be beneficial for me. I was hesitant at first, but after giving it a try again it has made a tremendously positive impact on my life right now over all. that is besides the fact that I had to leave town for work for 3 months, which also turned into one of the most stressful periods of my life that also led to me taking a break from lifting and dieting. Im pretty sure my test levels tanked again, I have started experiencing ED which I know can be a side effect of adderall but I never had this problem while on adderall before the 3 month period of stress, which leads me to believe it is more related to my overall testosterone levels not just a side effect. I just got tested again, and waiting for the results, but I was cleaning my room and came across a vial of hCG I had gotten a few years ago and never used. Im really trying to dial down my diet again, and eating healthier after getting back home.
Im more open now to getting on TRT sooner, but probably not until the fall/winter at the earliest and I was wondering if using this vial of hCG might help give me a boost to jump start my testosterone production again. I was just wondering if anyone on this sub had an experience with just hCG alone, and if you had any thoughts, tips or recommendations., ive never injected anything in my life but ive seen on youtube some guys even just stick the needle in their belly, im not sure if thats the same as TRT. do you have to worry about air bubbles or anything like that? Id appreciate any responses, I know TRT especially at my age will eventually be the best option, but hCG is all I have for the time being and im not sure if It will even be worth it or not.
TLDR: been struggling with low testosterone levels after an accident and new medication, found a bottle of hCG in my room I bought online a couple years ago and never used. just looking for any thoughts and tips about hCG alone, as this is my only option for the moment, although i do plan to eventually get on trt asap.

Hey all, I (f18) recently had a particularly nasty falling out with my father (m53), and it’s gotten to the point where I haven’t responded to his texts in days. To be completely honest, as of now I have nothing nice I want to say to him, and I feel that I shouldn’t say anything at all due to that fact. Strap in, this one may be a little long lol.
For background: When I was little (about 7), my parents got divorced. My mom (f50) gained full custody, and we moved out of our family home (still living in the same town) due to high tensions between her and my father (I also understand it was a pretty nasty divorce, but she didn’t have to tell me that for me to see it even at that age). She got a full time job, but we still lived with friends for a while and she was having some trouble staying afloat as a single mother. My father helped, I definitely do not deny that, but he never came around much and it was almost always my mom and I; due to that fact we’ve grown very close. My mom is probably one of the strongest people I know.
About a year after their separation, my mom decided that her and I would move to a different state (a pretty decent drive, but still doable within a day). She had spent her young adult years where we currently were, in fact first meeting my dad there, but she had none of her family there to help her with me, and my dad was also working full time. Not to mention she had gotten a well paying job offer up in her home state that could mean she could independently support herself and I.
After breaking the news to my father and making the final decision, we packed up and moved states and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have so many supportive friends and family members here that I never would have had where I was living as a young child. When the prospect of moving was brought up to my dad, he did not take it well. He claimed my mother only wanted to take me away from him, but ultimately he let her move. He wasn’t around much in the first place, and when I did spend time with him I would typically come home crying due to some sort of “lesson” he wanted to teach me, which really just consisted of berating a 7 yr old for a whole car ride lmaoo.
When we moved, my mom made every effort she could to take me to see my father. They would meet halfway so I could see him during the holidays/over summer. My father only continued to get worse, using his time with me to back me into a corner and criticize every thing I do and shit talk my mom and I’s family. I don’t act ladylike enough, I eat too much, I don’t exercise enough, and the real kicker; I act like my mother. He has intentionally called me by her name before during one of these incidents simply to upset me further. Many time he’s looked down on my family over the years, calling them many demeaning names and assuming things about them that simply aren’t true, and then he would bully me into accepting his words, into not saying anything in retaliation and just agreeing to whatever he said. He would get me in the car for the 6 hour drive to his house and I wouldn’t be able to escape his words. I would say talking to him is exhausting but that would be an understatement.
After many different incidents and visit after visit with no improvements, he decided to drag my mom through court for allegedly refusing to take me to see him as ordered in their custody agreement (turns out they had agreed that my mom could move away in that as well. HE agreed to it before we even left). I had refused to visit him over summer due to the collection of happenings, one of them being that my (now) stepmother had cheated on him with me there. I do feel horrible for him in that fact, seeing my father break down hurt my soul. Despite everything I still love him. But it hurt even more to see him go back to her days later, and resume his normal treatment of me.
When he served my mom with papers, I agreed to write a statement that I read to a magistrate. It detailed all of my feelings about him, and a timeline of our relationship as well as the strain that had been on it for years. I had been put in therapy when I was young due to the fact, and we had even tried speaking to him civilly about the way he was making me feel with her (my therapist) as the mediator before this. Never worked. After reviewing both sides, the court deduced that my mom was NOT keeping me from my father, and did not charge her with anything.
After about a year of not talking, we ended up reconciling and building a shaky relationship once more, where I begun to visit for shorter periods over the summer. His insults persisted. He told me I had been lying under oath, that he had been nothing but a good father to me and that my mother is brainwashing me into thinking otherwise. I had grown up some now, I could take his insults without crying every time. I thought hearing his words was just a sacrifice I needed to make in order to have a relationship with my dad, so I let it go. It still stung. I still cried, I realize now, it just wasn’t always in front of him.
Unfortunately, in the last couple years my mother has been diagnosed with something similar to MS, is therefore out of work on disability, and my cancer stricken uncle has come to live with us. It’s a shitty situation overall, but to be honest I believe we have a good support system. My mom, despite occasionally asking me to help with her and my uncle, encourages me to explore my interests and further my education. She encourages me going out into the world and living independently, but she’s not kicking me out, instead assuring me that she is here to support me and allowing me to stay while I save to move out as well as go to college (which I have been doing).
I don’t feel that our family dynamic is “codependent”, but my father has always claimed it to be. In our recent falling out, he said that I am “doomed to follow their path” (leading up to this text we had been on the phone; he said they were all using disabilities as a crutch to cheat the system. my mom used to work 12 hour days in which I barely saw her and my uncle is a 100% disabled veteran who was blown out of a building during a terrorist attack), and that my “future is an emulation of what doesn’t work” (quoted word for word from his text). Not only that, when I had gotten upset over him accusing my family of such things, he proceeded to text and ask me if I was pregnant afterwards. He claimed I was “showing signs and he wanted to be sure”. I am not sexually active and he knows this.
I haven’t had a job in a couple months, but I am actively searching for one as well as going to school. The phone call had started with him getting onto me about that. I told him that I agree, I do need to get up and live my life as I do not want to just sit around all day, but I attempted to explain to him that it wasn’t a laziness thing, more of a depression thing. To be fair, my family being loving doesn’t make terminal illness not depressing but I digress.
He’s asked me to come live with him many times before, claiming the only reasoning I gave him was that I had friends up here. I told him I have a life up here, and he responds sarcastically “oh some life you have, sitting in bed all day doing nothing not going to work or school” (funny thing is I just finished my spring semester and I’m about to sign up for fall classes, he knows this). To be completely honest, his words hurt. A lot. Especially after I opened up to him about my mental health; on top of the depressing situation, I was recently (past two years) diagnosed with major depressive disorder as well as ADHD, and have since been put on meds for it. I’ve been having issues with my pharmacy getting the proper medication (supply issues) and I relayed that I’m also having issues with that to him. He implied that my family and I were abusing my drugs since one of them is adderall, but I know the risks and make sure to keep it in a safe place, and make sure to only take the prescribed dosage.
It was a very upsetting thing to hear, and I sobbed on the phone to which he simply continued, his only apology being that he “wants what is best for me”. After getting off the phone and the text asking if I was pregnant, I firmly told him that I was not and he went on a rant about how I’m in “danger”, implying my family was raising me wrong. After I didn’t respond, he continued to text me, saying that it’s “not okay to not respond”. I politely tell him that he had hurt my feelings and I needed a few days to gather my thoughts.
Instead of respecting that, he goes on to tell me he was saying those things about my family to “get my attention” and that I “stonewall” him when I don’t like what I’ve been told, that I’ve been “doing it for my entire life”. I did not respond to this, standing behind my decision to not say anything. I’m tired of him pushing everyone into getting exactly what HE wants every time. I don’t want to say hateful things that I don’t mean, and at this time I definitely feel that I would.
This angered him greatly. He went on to tell me he was “done”, that I have “made my choice” and remaining adamant that there is no way he has done anything wrong because he’s “not around me”. He says my family is manipulating me and I am protecting them, that my mother is, and I quote, “controlling, narcissistic, self-centered, and obsessive”, and that SHE destroyed our relationship. He blames her for everything. I honestly think he has an underlying hatred for women (on top of just hating my mother I guess) but I won’t unpack all of that right now.
I never, and still have not responded. He has texted me a few times since, saying once more that me not responding is unacceptable, as well as saying I’m “making this into more of a situation than it needs to be”. The last thing he sent me was an article on teens giving their parents the silent treatment.
Now, here’s where I’m asking if I would be the asshole. Crazy that we’re just now getting here after my word vomit above but thank you for sticking around this long for what it’s worth.
My mom and uncle say I should at least say something back, use this time to tell him how I really feel.
Personally? I want to cut him off. I don’t feel he deserves my sadness or my anger. I’ve tried to relay to him many times as to why our relationship is so strained, but he refuses to accept it. But there is that part of me, that little girl who just wants a hug from her dad and to be told that everything is gonna be okay. That’s holding me back. I haven’t blocked his number. I can’t bring myself to at the moment, and I’m really just at a loss. Does anyone have any advice? WOULD I be an asshole if I didn’t at least give him a short response?

This is a long story but worth the read if you can relate…. I work for this woman who is a complete nut job. Basically in August my friend met this lady at the bar she works at. I walked by with one of my friends and we all started talking. I mentioned I had just received my degree in marketing and am looking for a job. This lady is the owner of a floral business (barley) so, that night she offered me a job to watch her son somedays and “do flowers” with her when she needed the help. I agreed. Gave her a ride home, then proceeded to tell me she was on two muscle relaxers. Flash forward to a couple of months in. Here are some things you should know about this woman She has a 3 year old baby- she is divorced and her ex is the main caretaker for the child. Any time the child is left alone with her, I have to be at her house to watch him. She won’t watch him on her own and does not like to spend time with him. He has formed an attachment to me which is so confusing because I hate his mother but I have so much love and protection over this baby because of how much time I have spent with him. This poor kid doesn’t even look at his mom while she is in the room, and I think she has resentment towards me because he is so attached to me. I don’t know what to do because who is going to love this baby (aside from the father) while he is with his mother?? I fear that she is going to mess him up. He is already so delayed, no hope on potty training, can barely talk, and in the off chance she is alone with him, sits him directly in front of a tv! Half the time she makes him sit in dirty diapers because she doesn’t buy them or wipes. Gets mad at me when I literally need to bathe this poor kid because he has been sitting in his own pee for hours! It has even gotten to the point where he has meltdowns and bites her and hits her. It is very sad to watch. She is addicted to adderall, alcohol, and pain killers. But, she is a silent addict and does not use pain killers every day, (I hope) not with her son, but drinks every night heavily She does not sleep She has an “investor” in her business this man we call bad Joe. (Name changed obvi). This man gives her credit cards, cash, cars, you name it. He is such a creepy freak but she swears they do not have any sexual interactions for this money. He is apparently a successful businessman but, literally anyone can tell that she is a scammer, loser, and does not make any money!! I repeat this man is throwing money down the drain for this woman She is a severely fucked up person. Working with her for a while I see exactly who she is. I really think she has narcissistic personality disorder, or bipolar disorder, I am not sure but there is something going on up there that is NOT right. Over the months I have been working for her it has been a living hell. I have now essentially turned into her personal assistant, nanny, punching bag, you name it. I am literally the only employee that has that she has ever had working for her for this long. At times, I feel very sorry for her. When she is not being a huge bitch to me, and purposely making my life so stressful and difficult, I see deep down how she is such a lonely and sad person who has no self confidence, respect for herself (or anyone for that matter). I deeply think that something has happened to her in her past to make her so wicked and that I pity her for. She puts on a great show but deep down, I see her for who she really is. I am not even trying to be mean but one of the only words I can describe her with is pathetic. Why I stay and not quit you ask? I am having the most difficult time finding a job. In marketing. I am having a crisis, I want to work in film, not sure if I should go back to school. I am having a total 23 year old what the fuck am I doing with my life crisis ok. I take accountability for this. She also pays me $24 an hour under the table CASH. I work long hours you guys. I have bills to pay, a life that I want to live, I know I am settling being so unhappy and stressed all the time in this job but financially it is getting me out of a hole that I am currently in. That’s why I chose to deal with it and look for other jobs on the side. I am literally so mentally exhausted from this person by the time I get home from work I workout and I go to bed most days. This brings me here, I couldn’t possibly name every situation that I have been in with this woman so I am here to say that she is just genuinely so so mean. When she is stressed she doesn’t know how to handle anything. She barely makes money and does nothing at her store but somehow finds a way to blame her failures on my poor work performance. This weekend is mother’s day. I told her weeks ago I had a trip planned to New Jersey to see my friend for her birthday on Saturday night. I payed for table at the club (lol) and limo already. Mind you, I told her this weeks ago with exact dates and mentioned it multiple times (I have a habit of doing that or else she will lie and say I never told her) this past weekend, she texted me that I needed to cancel my trip. That there is nothing I can do, and that she needs me to run her store while she goes gallivanting in New York City. I was so upset but I thought, you know what, this is what grownups do this is my job blah blah blah. I cancel my trip. Well, she has been a monster this week. Being such a bitch to me because she’s stressed, making comments on the side if I do something a way she doesn’t like it, she has no order or any plans for Mother’s Day and gets aggravated at me when I ask her what the fuck I am supposed to be doing. Why not make arrangements myself you ask? Her bouquets start at $60 for flowers she got for $2 a stem. Lies to everyone and says they are exotic from holland, Japan, etc just so she can up-charge. Most people laugh in her face and WALK OUT OF THE SHOP. She lets them all die in her walk in cooler. I have seen close to $100,000 worth of flowers die In the time I have been working for her. She is seriously fucked up in the head. But thinks she is sooo cool at the same time, while being the most insecure person I have ever met? She is also a liar, cheater, manipulator, who also crosses so many boundaries of an employee to employer relationship. Tells me all about her (disgusting) sex life. The reason I am writing this is because I am so done and mentally I cannot take it. I am having such bad anxiety that I am going to do something wrong (in her eyes) tomorrow for mothers day while she is not there and I fear I may blow up on her like actually go insane and freak the fuck out but I really need this money. I feel like I can’t quit abruptly either because I don’t want her to not pay me for the work prior. (Also never pays on time) I am in such a confused place, and she doesn’t deserve to even have me in her life not to mention working for her. What would someone do in my position? I know the obvious answer is leave I guess, but just looking for some advice or encouragement or whatever! Stay strong you guys I have read some of the posts in this thread and I really feel for you.

Note this is my experience just starting vyvanse not after developing tolerance. I was struggling extremely because Vyvanse was not making me feel anything, not even negative side effects. I became extremely distressed because while I have horrible adhd my main reason for wanting Vyvanse was for my severe binge eating disorder. Vyvanse is the only FDA approved drug for BED and after struggling with my BED for so long I hoped so much for Vyvanse and was extremely distressed when it did not help. I wasn't ready to accept tbh that Vyvanse doesn't work for me because I couldn't risk possible appetite increase with adderall or ritalin.
I talked to my doctor who was honestly not helpful at all but luckily amazing people on reddit gave me answers I read a comment here saying high levels of progesterone can block Vyvanse effects (loose terminology here).
I checked my period tracker app I'm currently in my luteal phase. I have pcos and am basically a slave to my menstrual cycle. Every single month without fail I feel like complete shit during my luteal phase and have 0 motivation 0 willpower 0 anything my insulin levels are also fucked and my body is basically a wreck. Then I remembered to when I first started Vyvanse I checked I was in my follicular phase and 30mg actually kinda helped.
In retrospect I thought that was a fluke because currently I was taking 90mg Vyvanse and feeling nothing. But NO, it was my goddammit PERIOD. OFCOURSE 30mg was doing nothing for me because during this stage of my period I am at the absolute lowest.
So I talked to my doctor and asked them about this and they were like uhhh okay try a higher dose like 90mg and I was like uhhhhh I have a hunch that might not work xD so they were like after like a shit done of huffing and puffing fine take 150mg.
I took it hour 1 felt nothing. Hour 2 felt nothing. Hour 3 I thought okay I'll go to the mall with friends. I was walking around a mall and then I realized holy shit.
I wasn't thinking about food. I walked by a pretzel place. I didn't ask my friends to stop. I walked by a fucking Krispy Kreme and my body did FUCKING NOTHING. I realized in that moment it was happening, the obsession, the constantly thinking, the fixation, the need the want the desire was all the constant ringing sound in my head that banged eat eat eat eat sugar wasn't there anymore. I was like holy fucking shit. For the first time in 10 years since I developed my binge eating disorder, I felt normal, the food noise was gone.
I was still scared that this was all a fluke but decided to test the waters so I went to a Cafe with my friends and ordered a latte while she ordered a pastry or something. We sat down and she ate and I realized, holy shit. The food noise is actually gone. I wasn't constantly looking at what she eating, I wasn't having the urge to ask for a bite or get one myself, I wasn't salivating. I was just sitting there normally drinking a coffee. I felt so...normal.
Honestly at that moment I really just wanted to cry. I couldn't describe what it felt like. I felt normal like a normal person with a normal reaction to food.
This is the day after and I'm just pondering what to do now. I really do not think my doctor will write me 150mg dose, he insisted that I try it and won't be an everyday thing. He might at max write 90mg. During my follicular phase though 30mg was good enough for me, so I'm thinking 90mg might be more than enough. But for my luteal phase I know I will need the 150mg again. I'm just mentally preparing for my proper doctor's appointment and how to get him to give me a high dose.
Now yesterday I did feel my heart beating a lot and some jitters and anxiety but it was honestly not that bad. Like for my binge eating disorder ruining my life I would gladly trade that. I'm thinking once I've reached my goal weight and am with a good place with my BED I will probably switch meds. Eventually when I start getting tolerant of 150mg I will probably take Ozempic. The reason I don't take ozempic now is because it's not for binge eating disorder and I feel like I will still be fucked if I lose weight but still have the adhd with food.
Tldr; if Vyvanse is not working it could be your period. Start tracking your period and learn how your body behaves according to it so you can pinpoint when you need higher doses. Reason I've not wanted to try other meds was Vyvanse being the only one approved for binge eating.

So this is my first time ever posting to Reddit, and I’m not even sure if this has to do with my Abilify but I need peace of mind and this is the only community I have been able to find that relates to me and my mental struggles. Just a heads up this will be a long post, but I wanna make sure I cover all of the details so I can get the best feedback from yall and y’all’s experiences.
I have been on and off Abilify for about 6yrs now. I would be on if doing great, but then I would decide to get off because I feel much better and don’t like being medicated. Just to add context before continuing I had my baby girl last year and am currently 7 months postpartum without any sign of postpartum depression so far.
I started getting random anxious thoughts that I couldn’t control such as what if my father passed, or even me and I leave my kids behind? This started towards the end of March. My psychiatrist put me back on my usual abilify, except this time he excluded my lamictal which I thought was weird. He lets me start at 2.5 of the abilify and increase to 5 slowly due to my horrible akathasia I usually always get with Abilify. This has worked and I have been able to avoid the restlessness in the past, but this time didn’t work. Started the abilify around March 25th and by late April I was restless.
I had some classes I needed to complete online but couldn’t sit still, so I took some of my 5mg Adderall I had left over from last year without telling my psychiatrist because he prescribed them to me back then. I was fine and they actually kinda helped me sit in one place and get my work done. I did this for about 4-5 days and then stopped.
About 2 days after stopping the adderall my anxiety became unbearable. I started freaking out about death and depersonalizing. My fight or flight was on an almost constant loop to where I felt like I had to get up run away and escape but from what? Life?
Fast forward to now he has me taking 2.5mg of Abilify every 3 days and 20mg of Propanolol twice a day as needed for anxiety. I feel better than I did when this all first started, but I’m tired of viewing my life as if these are my last days for some reason. Telling myself I’m going to miss my kids when I die and stuff is driving me crazy but I can’t stop the thoughts. I guess my question is has anyone else experienced this? Is it because of my abilify or am I crazy? Please no negative stories I don’t think I can handle them right now I’m sorry lol

This week I wrote an autobiographical account of my history with sleep paralysis, RLS, and hypnagogic hallucinations.
I was not sure where to share it. I added it and deleted it from a few subs. The only place it ended up was the creative writing sub, though.
And this appears to be the right spot! There are several themes but the hypnagogia is the focus. So it's quite long and probably no one reads it and that's fine. I just wanted to find somewhere to put it in case my experience could benefit someone.
⚠️ ⚠️ WARNING first part is scary and a bit gory... ⚠️ ⚠️

Childhood

The first time that I encountered sleep paralysis was when I was nine or ten. I woke up screaming, my mind gripped with the sensation of searing pain radiating from my left big toe. Though my mouth wasn't moving, I could hear my own blood-curdling cries, echoing through the darkness. An eerie orange glow spilled into the room, illuminating a sinister cauldron at the base of my bed, around which stood three squat witches. Their dark, smoky faces shifted and morphed constantly, eyes glowing red like embers recessed deeply into the shadows of their crawling flesh, jagged teeth gnashing along with their discordant laughter as roaches crawled from their mouths and disappeared into their black straw hair.
Each witch held their own dainty knife and fork, shaking along with their trembling bony hands, and one was slicing expertly down the center of my big toe with the impossibly sharp blade of their knife. I struggled to move my arms and legs, feeling as though I had freedom of movement, but my physical body remained paralyzed. Unfathomable terror washed over me as I realized that I couldn't scream for help; my mom wouldn't hear me, and I was powerless to stop these witches from feasting on my toes.
I lay there, unable to break free from the oppressive paralysis, forced to endure the excruciating pain as my toes were sliced off and consumed. The air buzzed with the witches' terrifying, joyous laughter, as if they delighted in my agony more than the taste of my flesh. Eventually, my body in a full state of terror jarred itself awake, heart beating more wildly than I had ever experienced, my lungs struggling to gasp more than the tiniest breath. After perhaps a full minute of gathering myself, I drew a deep breath and screamed into the night.
My mother came, of course, but was unable to understand the depth and terror of my experience. Her own reality did not include anything close; for her, it was an exaggeration born of childhood fear, and she became exasperated after a time with my refusal to admit that it was a dream, despite being an extremely caring parent.
The witches appeared to me several times between the ages of 10 and 15, their ghastly faces returning to torment me with each episode of sleep paralysis. Every time, I would be trapped in that terrifying limbo, my body frozen while my mind drowned itself in screams of agony and horror. I knew that they would feast on my toes, the slicing of their knives relentless, inexorable. They would smack their lips and toast each other with my blood-covered flesh as I watched.
During those years, restless legs syndrome (RLS) also began to plague my nights. As soon as I began to drift off to sleep, a discomfort would arise in my legs, like there was a swarm of fat round beetles exploring, searching for an exit. A quick kick would settle it down, but it would rise again in a cycle of building tension, acutely uncomfortable climax, and brief relief of a second or two would follow before it began again. My mother, again meaning well but busy and unfamiliar with RLS, told me it was leg cramps and made me eat more banannas. This didn't help.
It became an increasing problem, stealing precious sleep that my young body needed to thrive. The frustration of RLS merged with the terror of a potential visit from the witches. Without medication, I would lose entire nights to the relentless discomfort.
By the age of 15, the sleep paralysis episodes had occurred at least 10 times, each leaving me with the gut-wrenching memory of being eaten alive that I would carry all the next day in my gut like a sack of bricks. As I lay sleeping, every single night, I wondered if they would visit, and braced myself for an encounter.

Early adulthood:

I can't remember how many times the witches visited before I finally stopped panicking. It was after countless God awful nights when I finally accepted that no matter how terrifying or painful the ordeal felt, I would be whole once it was over. I had survived the agony a hundred times before and could endure it again. One night, when the eerie glow of the cauldron illuminated their shifting faces, I felt a calm settle over me. I saw the witches, but for the first time, I wasn't afraid.
They noticed my defiance, their laughter fading into an uneasy silence. Without fanfare, they stood up, collected their cauldron, and retreated into the darkness of my room. Though I still saw them occasionally at the foot of my bed, they became more present than threatening. Sometimes, at the start of an episode, they'd appear briefly before disappearing altogether. They had become inconsequential, and I couldn't even be sure if they were there half the time.
In my early 20s, I discovered that I could almost guarantee a bout of sleep paralysis simply by sleeping during the day. At first, nothing particularly unusual happened, but the paralysis always returned whenever I dozed off, particularly between the hours of 11am and 2pm. I was often sleeping during the day because by then, the restless legs syndrome (RLS) had grown so severe that many nights passed without sleep at all. My body felt like it was full of angry snakes now instead of beetles, desperate to escape. The sensation soon crept upward from my legs to my arms. The cycles of build up, climax, and agonizly brief relief increased in frequency and magnitude. I would often resort to sitting in the shower, flipping the water from icy cold to scalding hot all night, simply to keep myself alert enough to avoid the twitching and spasming until the blessed relief of dawn arrived.
With the daytime paralysis came a variety of hallucinations. Sometimes the witches stood at the foot of my bed, other times they'd disappear, leaving behind benign apparitions like tickling gnomes. There was nothing threatening about these visions, and I began to find a strange sense of comfort in them. I would relax into a dark place where I felt my own energy burning like a sun, present but without physical form. In this state, I felt euphoric, fully aware yet separate from myself. I started taking naps during the day and eagerly anticipated this odd experience.
Yet at night, my sleep remained troubled as RLS tormented me. Eventually, I began taking ropinirole to manage the symptoms, and it brought much-needed relief, helping me reclaim my nights and giving me several years of mostly not worrying about RLS unless I forgot to take my medicine, or the odd night where it bothered me but was still less severe.

New experiences:

I spent several years relishing those euphoric moments of peace, where I could feel the pure energy of being alive without a personal history or identity. In those moments, everything else faded away, and all that remained was a brilliant, infinite energy. My waking life was absorbed by study of comtemporary and historical teachings of non-duality, and with my family and progressing my career as a software developer. I was absorbing Eckhart Tolle and Gautama, Meister Eckhart and Seuhn Sang and integrating their teachings into my daily life. The feeling inside of me that reality ultimately made no sense had found an expression, and I dug in every waking moment for a clue as to the true nature of experience. Given this context, I especially looked forward to and found solace in the experience of being impersonal, boundless energy.
In my late 20s, I also experienced a new type of sleep paralysis hallucination. One day it began that there were no visions or hallucinations; instead, I simply lay in a state of paralysis, aware of the room as a darkened and monochrome version of itself. I entertained myself by trying to move my arms and legs against the paralysis, and developed the idea that I had two bodies; my physical body lay on the bed, while my energetic body struggled and flailed. It was like my energy body could move separately, creating a phantom limb sensation. I felt my energy arms and legs extend out, yet my physical body lay still. As my energy body reached further from my physical self, it would snap back as if held by a rubber band.
Intrigued, I began experimenting with this phenomenon, managing to build enough momentum to "pop" out of my body one afternoon. Suddenly, I found myself looking down at my own sleeping form, resting on my back and breathing gently beside my wife, who was playing a game (probably Candy Crush) on her phone in the bed. It was surreal, and I wasn't sure whether I was hallucinating or truly perceiving my own body from a different perspective. Regardless, it was a revelation, and I felt a new sense of exploration as I gazed down at myself.
That first time, I found myself drifting through the house, checking on my two young stepdaughters as they slept. I had recently married, and it was a quiet weekend afternoon with everyone napping peacefully. Once satisfied, I ventured outside, where I took to the sky and flew around the neighborhood, spying on my neighbors. Though it felt like I was limited in speed, I seemingly had no constraints on the continuity of this hallucination. Everything appeared as a perfect physical representation of Earth, and I could travel without interruption.
The landscape was strikingly accurate, but it appeared in monochrome hues — grays, blacks, and whites — with no bright colors. Letters and numbers were unreadable, reduced to blurred nonsense. Despite these distortions, the sensation of soaring above the rolling hills and rooftops was pure euphoria. I sped along at hundreds of miles per hour, basking in the freedom of movement, and immersed in the stunning view that stretched out below me. There did seem to be some sort of very generous limit to how far I could travel, but I thoroughly explored within the boundaries for hundreds of miles around my home.
Over the years into my early 30s, I tried to pursue this opportunity of flight and exploration every chance I could. But during that time, my restless legs syndrome also became more relentless. In the past, no matter how agonizing the night had been, dawn would bring relief like a cold bath washing over me. I would sit outside and watch the sunrise, and the sensation of snakes slithering through my body would finally calm down, perhaps due to circadian rhythms and dopamine regulation. The cycles now began to climax in totally involuntary movement, spasms that caused me to tense my whole body and draw in a sharp breath every time. It would be 5 seconds of rapid buildup, spasm, a second or two of relief, repeat.
Eventually, even the dawn failed to provide respite, and I struggled during night or day whenever I relaxed too long or became even a bit drowsy. Napping became impossible, depriving me of the euphoric dreams I had learned to look forward to. I switched from ropinirole to pramipexole, hoping for relief. The medication helped me sleep five or six hours a night on good nights, but I still missed one or two nights of sleep entirely each week and rarely could nap during the day, because I took the medicine only a couple hours before bed.
Even though my restless legs syndrome worsened, one out of every ten times, I'd still manage to avoid twitching and drift into that state of peaceful paralysis during the day when I dozed off involuntarily. I gradually lost interest in pursuing out-of-body travel and instead sought every time the burning energy of the sun inside of me — the sensation of being infinitely powerful and formless simultaneously. I would retreat into this boundless feeling whenever I had the opportunity.
During these rare occasions when I could sleep during the day, I stumbled across a third type of experience. It felt like I was being sucked into space at impossible speeds, zooming past the planets of our solar system and beyond until I reached a darker patch of space. This spot seemed like a vast, corrugated sewer pipe that swallowed me whole. I rocketed through the universe, traveling at what could only be the speed of light. Eventually, I would break into the atmosphere of some unknown world, drifting down to its surface sometimes, others crashing painfully into terrain. Sometimes, I would hear a loud sound like an explosion in mid travel, and suddenly aterialize on another distant world without any sort of entrace.
These journeys were exhilarating, and each new landscape presented a mystery, revealing worlds unlike anything I'd ever seen.

The Traveling Years:

One of the first journeys I had involved zipping through space before drifting down through a hole in the top of a greenhouse. The world was painted in shades of orange and brown, its dirt swirling in powerful winds like clay cyclones. The greenhouse itself was dirty and grimy, almost opaque with crusted dirt, and filled with dense green plants — ivy and other dark green foliage that covered every inch inside. Outside, the orange sky churned with the swirling clay, making visibility nearly impossible.
I made my way down a ladder and emerged outside, where I found a man and a boy standing beside a white pinto horse. They both wore hardened leather over rough potato sack-like clothing, their long hair dotted with bone jewelry, their noses and eyebrows profusely pierced with other fragments of bone adorned with feathers. The man seemed to be instructing the boy on something to do with the horse. I approached them cautiously, fully aware of my lucid dreaming state and retaining all my memories, reasoning, and thoughts. Everything about the scene was vivid, from the clay dust swirling around to the squinting struggle to see in the wind.
Unlike the man and the boy, I had no long hair, no mouth covering, and no leather visor shielding my face from the swirling clay-dust. As I tried to speak, it seemed like they couldn’t hear me, and I wondered if I might be invisible to them. Unconcerned, I reached out to pat the horse on its nose, but before I could make contact, the man swiftly drew a long knife from his belt and stabbed me. He struck again, and the intense pain and feeling of my own scalding hot blood streaming down my pants legs snapped me awake.
Not long after my experience in the greenhouse, I found myself learning more about the worlds I could explore, though the opportunities remained rare. One day, I was transported to a beautiful blue tropical world, crashing into the dunes of a pristine white beach. There, I encountered three women, each towering over me at seven or eight feet tall. Their long black hair framed their pale faces, with blood-red lips striking against their alabaster skin. But what stood out most were their fingernails — long and crimson, curling back upon themselves dozens of times like spiraling ribbons. They were two or three feet in length and added a surreal menace to their presence.
They asked me my name and the name of my father, along with other odd questions, and seemed absolutely intriqued with me. There was a certain sort of heavy molasses quality to their voices that was more than sound and impossible to describe. It had the effect of making me feel drowsy and stupid and slow to move.
As I stood there, they began touching me with their nails, tracing them across my body in elaborate, almost ritualistic patterns. I felt my energy drain with every stroke, a profound exhaustion seeping into my core. The sensation was so intense that I woke up feeling completely drained, my limbs heavy and my spirit sapped.
Another time, I appeared without explanation after my space travel in a cavern brimming with glowing fungi and luminescent crystals. I wasn't myself in this world but instead had taken the place of someone else. My father stood beside me, guiding me through the luminous landscape. He taught me how to identify the bizarre and fascinating flora surrounding us — lessons that etched themselves into my mind and last to this day despite the surreal, made-up nature of this world. The glowing crystals and fungi cast eerie shadows across the cavern walls as my father explained the properties and uses of each.
In real life, these experiences would last for about five to eight minutes, but in the dream realm, the passage of time was different. What seemed like mere minutes could stretch into hours or even days, and in rare cases, the dreams spanned much longer.

RLS becomes terrible:

I had a new busy career, an infant daughter, two active growing stepdaughters, and a wife with a hectic job, and I struggled hard through the years between 35 and 39. Each night was pure torture, as restless leg syndrome robbed me of sleep. Days of sleep deprivation left me barely functioning, often teetering on the edge of collapse while the disease gnawed away. The unrelenting discomfort made it impossible to fall asleep, even as my body craved rest. I had no choice but to continue, as I had yet to find a doctor that knew how to move past the ropinirole and pramipexole stage of treatment, and these medicines had almost entirely ceased to be effective for me. My love for my family drove me to conceal the intense effort that day to day living had become. I managed to keep up with my career by farming a prescription for Adderall. I don't have ADHD, so it had the effect on me of methamphetamine and allowed me to push through the God awful existence that life had become.
The toll became overwhelming. I couldn't escape the agony, even after days of desperate attempts to sleep. More than once, I ended up in the emergency room after going four or five nights without sleep. For some people, this will seem like an exaggeration; I assure you, it is not. I would be nonsensical, having conversations with people tha weren't in the room, drifting in and out of intense 1 second dreams before snapping awake with painful spasms. At the hospital, they would give me percocet, and the painkillers provided brief reprieve from RLS for some reason, allowing me one solid night’s sleep, but the relentless cycle quickly resumed, leaving me struggling once again.
Eventually, I found a neurologist who prescribed Neupro patches that provided temporary relief. For a few months, I managed to sleep more consistently, but the patches quickly lost their effectiveness. It wasn't until I added methadone to the treatment that I finally found more lasting relief.
During those difficult years, I immersed myself in non-dual philosophy. In that crucible of suffering, my conviction solidified: my true nature was more aligned with the energy hallucinations I experienced than with a body made of skin, bone, and brain. That transcendent energy, more real and enduring than the physical form I occupied, became my identity in daily life, watching peacefully as my body and brain navigated the situational complexity of life.
Approaching my 40th birthday, I found that I could sleep at night and dream during the day. My life was in good shape, I lost 60 pounds without effort, and I felt fundamentally and imperturbably peaceful. Suddenly, life was in the palm of my hands, every moment pristine and still and perfect. I felt weightless without the burden of needing to endure trauma every night.
Most importantly to this story, I worked from home and could nap on my lunch breaks.

Rapid learning through iteration:

Rarely, I would fail to nap at all due to RLS. Sometimes I would simply doze off and wake up 10 minutes later to my cell phone alarm. But three out of five times, I would travel.
I visited dozens of worlds in a matter of a few short months and quickly was able to confirm some rules that I had suspected were true from my previous adventures.
One rule is that no one I know in real life ever shows up in the travelling dreams. No matter the place or circumstance or strange beings that I encountered, there was never a familiar face.
Another rule was that no dream person ever had a name or a father. The absence of both seemed to be an unspoken universal truth among these dream world inhabitants. Once I had internalized the significance of this, I began introducing myself to most beings that I encountered as "John, son of Michael." It left a strong impression. My name and lineage seemed to set me apart, bestowing an almost mythical quality upon me that earned me a peculiar reverence among all that I met. This knowledge became the key to navigating the dream worlds with confidence and a consistent purpose of discovery.
I learned accidentally of a unique ability during my travels: a form of telekenesis that allowed me to project force from the palms of my hands. This development led to many episodes of paralysis spent ignoring exploration and instead hilariously and painfully attempting to master this ability for the purpose of travel. Over time, I refined my skill, learning to fly much like Iron Man, but solely through the focused propulsion from my hands. Without stabilization from my feet, I had to carefully control the angle of projection and the amount of force applied to control my trajectory and speed.
Mastering this ability took significant practice, but eventually, I could navigate obstacles with ease and travel great distances in short amounts of time. I also no longer crash landed, thankfully. Importantly, I could harness this power to overcome any threatening beings that I encountered. Previously, my best option was to hide or flee, and that did not always work out. Now I had this amazing sense of fearlessness and confidence that simply cannot be rivaled by real world experience. Every time I heard the buzzing sounds and felt the WUM WUM WUM of energy as I prepared to launch into space, I embraced the journey with eager anticipation, confident in my ability to protect myself and learn about whatever strange world awaited me.

To Present Day:

As I grew more confident in my ability to travel almost at will, I began to incorporate spirituality into my experimentation. One day, on a whim, I expressed to the universe that if there were a being that had my best interests at heart and loved me fully, then I gave them permission to guide my dreams and lead me to greater truths, even if they were uncomfortable. This openness led to a new experience immediately, and I began to preface many of my journeys with a similar, simple prayer.
That first time, I fell down instead of up -- into myself, into the infinite dimensionless darkness where I could spin and burn and bathe in the euphoric sense of my own eternal nature. But my peace was quickly interrupted by an intense feeling of pressure at the base of my spine, though I couldn't have pinpointed where the body was that the spine inhabited. Very, very slowly, with a CRUNCHA CRUNCHA CRUNCHA noise for every milimeter of ground gained, it crawled upwards towards my head.
As it climbed, the energy below it intensified, growing exponenentially as the surface area covered grew. It wasn't painful, exactly, but it was terrifyingly intense. That first time, I managed to stay calm long enough for it to reach my shoulder blades before it became unbearably frightening and I jerked myself out of it, sure that I would die if I allowed it to continue upward. Over the last few months I have vowed to myself that I would endure any level of discomfort to see what happens at the end, but I keep chickening out. I have let it go as far as the base of my skull, at which time my head started vibrating so much that I could feel my teeth chattering violently even in my paralysis.
Another time recently when I made this prayer, I went to space as usual, but when I entered the atmosphere of a lush Earth-like world, my telekenesis failed me for the first time ever. Instead, I was pulled like in a slow tractor beam down beneath the perfectly round canopy of a giant, unfamiliar kind of tree. I felt a great sense of calm and peace and simply meditated there for quite some time, maybe 9 or 10 hours of relative time, before I heard a voice from behind the tree.
The man who stepped out from there had his face hidden in shadows. He wore a long dusty leather coat and a huge cowboy hat that shrouded him. As I write this, I find that I am not yet prepared to write about what he said to me, or how I responded. But when we had spoken, he walked solemnly over to me and lay his hand upon my head, and I jerked awake in a state of perfect bliss, despite some conflicting emotions surrounding our conversation. I call him Cowboy Hat Man, and maybe I will write more about him later.
A third time with the prayer, right before I sped off to my normal adventures, I felt a cat jump onto my bed and snuggle against my left leg, purring. It curled up there, and I assumed that it was my actual cat in real life, although it would be very uncharacteristic for him. I actually thought to myself, "Wow, I guess Buddy Socks is my spirit guide today." However, when I awoke, I realized that my door was shut and the cat was not in the room. On that trip, I went to a world that was reminiscent in quality perhaps to 15th century Europe, except on a world where the surface was far more underneath water than on Earth.
I followed the invisible cat to an old man and asked him, "Do you know the truth?" He answered, "No." I followed the invisble cat to young boy and asked him, "Do you know the truth?" He also answered, "No." It was an odd one, really.
Every time I do this, I am setting an alarm for ten minutes. Sometimes the dreams last days in relative time, but I have never yet failed to wake up before that alarm goes off.

Present Day (like seriously earlier this week is what me want to write this):

I lay down eagerly for my lunch break nap, hoping to avoid the disappointment of an off-day. I flew into the atmosphere of a world that seemed to made of rock, with nothing growing on the surface. However, I caught glimpse on the surface of a bright spot, and when I descended, I found that somehow there was a relatively thin crust of sorts around a hollow inside-world.
I lowered myself slowly through a great opening in that crust, down into a lush jungle. It was beautiful but uncomfortably humid, and I quickly found a cool and dry cavern complex to explore rather than dealing with sweat and unfamiliar insects.
As I navigated through the cavern system, able to see somehow with dim light despite no obvious light source at times, I broke out into a very large open cave with a huge exit out into the jungle. I saw that it was dawn and realized that I had spent the night, however long it was on this world, in the caves.
Suddenly, my four year old daughter, Curly, with her naturally bleach-highlighted rings of long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, drifted slowly over my left shoulder and out towards the exit. She moved at a brisk adult walking pace, her back to the cave opening, her expression curious yet slightly concerned. She called out, "Dada?" in a tone that suggested wonder and slight confusion, but no real alarm in the presence of her father.
Reacting instantly, feeling my gut clench solid into a fist of rock, I used my telekinesis to close the gap between us and gathered her into my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist and settled her butt onto my forearm, a ritual that we have practiced every day of her life. The force gripping her evaporated instantly, and suddenly, my darling girl was there in my arms, as real as any physical embrace. I could feel the tickle of her hair on my neck, the beautiful warmth of her skin, and was enveloped in her familiar scent.
Initially, I was filled with white hot rage, fueled by my instinctive reaction to the thought that some idiotic dream world inhabitant had decided to mess with my family and harm or kidnap her. But as I held her and she nuzzled her nose into my neck, the anger gave way to sheer amazement. For the first time in a decade of navigating these dreamscapes, someone that I knew from my waking life had entered the dream. This was a rule-defying moment that really rocked me, a serious breach of the established norms of these experiences.
A group of maybe 8 or 10 small winged goblins flew down from out of sight above the top lip of the exit and fluttered into the room, laughing in a very non-threatening way. They radiated a sense of innocent mischief, and my fear and anger subsided and gave way to annoyance. I whipped my right hand out and blasted a huge hole in the cavern wall to my right, startling Curly into a yelp. Unphased, I raised my voice and demanded, "Who is your King? I am John, son of Michael, and this is my daughter and she WILL NOT BE TOUCHED AGAIN."
The goblins scattered, their merriment giving way to concern that I might blast them into dust. Behind me, a deep chuckle seemed to rise from the ground itself. A voice echoed in the cavern, neither kind or cruel, full of what felt like wisdom, though that doesn't make sense in the waking world.
It spoke: "I am Eloxman, and I am their King." At hearing him announce his name, my head whipped around in the dream and in real life so hard that I woke immediately with a sprained neck that is still bothering me. I looked at my phone and saw that there were two minutes and fourteen seconds remaining in my ten minute window. I lay on the couch in shocked disbelief: Curly was in my dream, and someone had a name. As I replayed it over and over in my head, I realized that Eloxman was still speaking. I think he may have been preparing to provide the name of his father.

The End:

Sorry, that's actually it. I am going to just see if this continues somehow, but if it does not, then I might get creative with it and make up my own ending. I hope that you enjoyed this if you read this far!

I’ve been in the psych ward for suicidal thoughts / attempts 3 times in my life (I’m 24 now)
I have intrusive thoughts, for example, I am hyper aware of my heart beat 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I don’t like feeling it, it scares me to death, every time I feel it suddenly change I go into panic mode thinking that I’m dying even when I consciously know I’m not, it’s gotten so bad it’s causing my body (mainly my neck) to twitch about 2-3 times every minute
I experienced bad trauma when I was little, I watched someone I love die in front of me, I’ve seen my brother attempt to kill himself when I was young, I even had to stop him, I’ve been sexually assaulted, I’ve been manipulated emotionally by people I trusted, my father abandoned me when I was 3, I had to watch my brother nearly kill my step father multiple times as a kid, my mom and step father also got into really bad fights, not physical but screaming at the top of their lungs
I’m an addict, I was abusing adderall & benzodiazepines for nearly 6 years (I will be 6 months clean on 5/13). I used to enjoy smoking weed until it started giving me panic attacks every time I smoked, so I quit. My adderall abuse at its worst was 10 20mg tablets a day, I would stay up for 4 days straight and go into psychosis, seeing and hearing things that weren’t there.
My Grandma took me in to live with her when I was 17 due to how much me and my mom would fight, it was a really toxic environment. I love my mom to death but she struggles with bipolar disorder and I’m not exactly an easy person to live with. We get along much better now that we’re apart. It feels like I left the nest too early. My Grandma is an Angel but she is an enabler.
I’ve pushed away every friend / relative I’ve ever had to the point we are now total strangers. I rarely talk to anybody, I am so antisocial that it is PSYCHICALLY painful for me to even have a simple small talk conversation. I show no emotion to anyone, when I’m alone, I can break down into tears. But when talking to family or a professional, there’s no emotion. None. No eye contact. No opening up about what I’m feeling. I just say whatever I need to say to end the conversation as fast as possible and leave. I have no desire to start a relationship with a girl. None. I was manipulated by a girl I loved when I was 16 and have never loved again.
Even if I wanted to, I have no confidence or self esteem. The sad part is, people constantly say I’m good looking, and yet I hate my face. I hate my hair, I hate my teeth, I hate my voice, I hate how I dress, I hate how I walk, I hate every in and out about who I am.
I’ve obviously been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’ve taken over 20 different medications to treat it and not a single one has ever done the trick. I don’t like taking them either because I know it doesn’t fix the problem it’s just an artificial bandaid, I know about how pharmaceutical industry is designed to work. The Drs don’t truly care, the therapists don’t truly care, I am nothing more than a dollar sign to them. One therapist told me one time he thinks I’m suffering from several different personality disorders but he didn’t specify which ones.
I’m a pathological liar. I tell small lies multiple times every day for no reason. I am fake to everyone in general, I am terrified of confrontations. I’m terrified of rejection / criticism. I’m terrified of being alone despite wanting nobody around me. I can’t even go out most places in public alone. I’m 24 and I still need my mom or my grandma to go places with me like the dentist or to a therapists. Like mentally and emotionally I’m a confused child.
I don’t know what to do. It feels like there is no fixing me. I’ve been this way since I was young and it’s getting rapidly worse. I can’t hold a job because I can’t commit to anything. I can’t make new friends simply because I have no desire nor can I even have simple conversations. My memory is even starting to decline, I struggle to even remember things I did or said earlier in the days, it’s terrifying. My Grandma is 82, my Mom is 52. I’ve told them as soon as they’re gone I am just going to kill myself because I will just die in this world on my own by myself. I even feel suicidal as I type this right now. It eats me from the inside because if I were to take my life it would kill my Mom my grandma and my siblings. It seems as if I have found myself in a real life hell. No matter the outcome me and everyone around me loses.
What is wrong with me? I know I have depression and anxiety but it’s much more deeper and complex. I believe humans have souls and yet I can’t feel mine and I don’t know where it’s at. Where do you go when you’re suicidal and Psychiatric units don’t help? When it’s physically impossible to open yourself to your family, to your friends, even to a stranger walking down the street.
Dying wouldn’t even do the job, I want no memory of my being to have ever been remembered or to even have existed. Thanks if you took the time to read.

I’ve been in the psych ward for suicidal thoughts / attempts 3 times in my life (I’m 24 now)
I have intrusive thoughts, for example, I am hyper aware of my heart beat 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I don’t like feeling it, it scares me to death, every time I feel it suddenly change I go into panic mode thinking that I’m dying even when I consciously know I’m not, it’s gotten so bad it’s causing my body (mainly my neck) to twitch about 2-3 times every minute
I experienced bad trauma when I was little, I watched someone I love die in front of me, I’ve seen my brother attempt to kill himself when I was young, I even had to stop him, I’ve been sexually assaulted, I’ve been manipulated emotionally by people I trusted, my father abandoned me when I was 3, I had to watch my brother nearly kill my step father multiple times as a kid, my mom and step father also got into really bad fights, not physical but screaming at the top of their lungs
I’m an addict, I was abusing adderall & benzodiazepines for nearly 6 years (I will be 6 months clean on 5/13). I used to enjoy smoking weed until it started giving me panic attacks every time I smoked, so I quit. My adderall abuse at its worst was 10 20mg tablets a day, I would stay up for 4 days straight and go into psychosis, seeing and hearing things that weren’t there.
My Grandma took me in to live with her when I was 17 due to how much me and my mom would fight, it was a really toxic environment. I love my mom to death but she struggles with bipolar disorder and I’m not exactly an easy person to live with. We get along much better now that we’re apart. It feels like I left the nest too early. My Grandma is an Angel but she is an enabler.
I’ve pushed away every friend / relative I’ve ever had to the point we are now total strangers. I rarely talk to anybody, I am so antisocial that it is PSYCHICALLY painful for me to even have a simple small talk conversation. I show no emotion to anyone, when I’m alone, I can break down into tears. But when talking to family or a professional, there’s no emotion. None. No eye contact. No opening up about what I’m feeling. I just say whatever I need to say to end the conversation as fast as possible and leave. I have no desire to start a relationship with a girl. None. I was manipulated by a girl I loved when I was 16 and have never loved again.
Even if I wanted to, I have no confidence or self esteem. The sad part is, people constantly say I’m good looking, and yet I hate my face. I hate my hair, I hate my teeth, I hate my voice, I hate how I dress, I hate how I walk, I hate every in and out about who I am.
I’ve obviously been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’ve taken over 20 different medications to treat it and not a single one has ever done the trick. I don’t like taking them either because I know it doesn’t fix the problem it’s just an artificial bandaid, I know about how pharmaceutical industry is designed to work. The Drs don’t truly care, the therapists don’t truly care, I am nothing more than a dollar sign to them. One therapist told me one time he thinks I’m suffering from several different personality disorders but he didn’t specify which ones.
I’m a pathological liar. I tell small lies multiple times every day for no reason. I am fake to everyone in general, I am terrified of confrontations. I’m terrified of rejection / criticism. I’m terrified of being alone despite wanting nobody around me. I can’t even go out most places in public alone. I’m 24 and I still need my mom or my grandma to go places with me like the dentist or to a therapists. Like mentally and emotionally I’m a confused child.
I don’t know what to do. It feels like there is no fixing me. I’ve been this way since I was young and it’s getting rapidly worse. I can’t hold a job because I can’t commit to anything. I can’t make new friends simply because I have no desire nor can I even have simple conversations. My memory is even starting to decline, I struggle to even remember things I did or said earlier in the days, it’s terrifying. My Grandma is 82, my Mom is 52. I’ve told them as soon as they’re gone I am just going to kill myself because I will just die in this world on my own by myself. I even feel suicidal as I type this right now. It eats me from the inside because if I were to take my life it would kill my Mom my grandma and my siblings. It seems as if I have found myself in a real life hell. No matter the outcome me and everyone around me loses.
What is wrong with me? I know I have depression and anxiety but it’s much more deeper and complex. I believe humans have souls and yet I can’t feel mine and I don’t know where it’s at. Where do you go when you’re in crisis and Psychiatric units don’t help? When it’s physically impossible to open yourself to your family, to your friends, even to a stranger walking down the street.
Dying wouldn’t even do the job, I want no memory of my being to have ever been remembered or to even have existed. Thanks if you took the time to read.