Me(F22) and my bf(M23) have been dating since a year and are in a long distance relationship since 8 months. I knew him since 2019 and we were very good friends. His birthday is coming up and he lives very far (different continent). I learned how to code and made him a fun interactive website to wish him birthday and put some pictures of him growing up, with his family and ours, his wikipedia like information and a letter. He made dinner plans with his friends and the time difference between us is 4 and a half hour. I can't afford to send him a gift and I need some more ideas of what can i do for him. Our parents don't know about us so i can't do anything at home. I live in a joint family and i have no privacy. Can you suggest few things so I can make his birthday more special?

This is a really long story with lots of context so I'll do my best to organize it into current situation, then his backstory and hers. I'm also not using real names or specific locations for any of this to try and keep this private. This also has some contradicting stories and because of how their relationship is structured relies mostly on information I have gotten from my sister, so I'm telling you the story I got from her first and then adding in what I've found out. I'll try to tell this as unbiased as I can but it's been a huge issue in my family for a long time now and that's a little difficult for me to do.
My (20F) sister (Olivia, 24F) has been dating this guy (Trevor, 25M) since 2021. When they started dating, she talked about him fairly often, sent a few pictures of them, ect., but then after a month she stopped mentioning him/ was cagey when we (me and my mom mostly) asked how he was so we assumed it just hadn't worked out. Then two months later she insisted that my parents (54F and 56M) and I all come to visit her college to meet Trevor before he went into the Army (she lived several hours away from my parents and several hours from my college, so I had to get a bus ticket and my parents had to get a hotel room to do this. We only met him once for dinner). Now they've been dating long distance for three years after a three month in-person relationship. She is in nursing school and is planning on moving across the country (literally opposite corners of the map) to live with him and is not applying to any residency programs outside of the Army base area (limiting her choices a LOT from her original goals and narrowing employment opportunities).
Olivia met Trevor on several dating apps, matched with him, but didn't really want to go out with him. He was really persistent, so her friend convinced her to go out with him. She lied about the way they met to our parents and told them they met at the gym through a mutual friend (she lied to me about this at first too and told me the truth about 3 months after they started dating). At the time, Trevor was working as a used car salesman and living at home (~45 min. away from Olivia's school in a rural area) because his sports scholarship had been dropped before his Senior year due to covid at the college he had been attending out of state. The university was unaccredited (I later did some internet stalking and found out it was accredited), so his credits would not transfer and he would have to start over. He was saving up money to attend school in state at the large college Olivia attended so he could go back to school. **Our state has crazy low tuition costs in-state and a full-tuition scholarship program for good high school GPA and SAT scores. There was also a "feeder" community college that had half the cost per credit hour that a lot of people would go to before the larger university if they didn't get in straight out of high school.**
Olivia told me that Trevor had applied to her college and not gotten in (she later told me he HAD gotten in but been unable to afford tuition). Either way, he decided to join the Army because his father had been in the Army. The Army would take his credit hours and he would be able to finish his degree during his 5 year contract or use the GI bill once he got out. **She is comparing the situation to our father, who joined the Army directly out of high school and used the GI bill to go to college after his 2 year contract because his parents wouldn't pay for school. He was a medic in the military, worked as an EMT through college, and then went to nursing school.** The original plan was that Trevor would be a Green Beret (special forces), he completed basic training and and got several months through training and moved to the secondary base in NC before failing the running portion of a physical by about 10 seconds and being dropped from the selection process. He then decided that he wanted to be a Ranger (another elite position). He got sent back to GA, then to the Ranger school base in WA (it took a couple of months before he was sent to WA). Again, he got partway through the training before failing the running portion of a physical by a few seconds. He is now not sure if he will be continuing Ranger school (failing the physical means no, but commanders may pass him anyways if they think he should continue). For a while, Trevor told Olivia that he might not stay at the base in WA if he wasn't in Ranger school and there were a variety of different bases he could be sent to, including somewhere in Italy, so she wasn't sure where to look for jobs. In the past month, Trevor told Olivia that he would likely stay in WA regardless of the Ranger school results.
Through this all, Olivia has visited Trevor at the different military bases countless times, driving from as far as south FL to NC and putting over 30,000 miles on a brand new car over the course of the 1.5 years she's owned it. Before she had the car, she paid for plane tickets to see him and hotels whenever she visited. At the time, she told me that he was paying for all of these trips because he was unable to visit her, was making an income that wasn't being spent, and she was working to save for nursing school and later was living off of student loans and savings during nursing school. She later admitted to me that she had paid for almost all of the expenses except for food when they ate out together and part of a hotel room one weekend.
A few odd things (to me) between Olivia and Trevor over the course of their relationship:
About a month into their relationship, Trevor got Olivia an over $300 christmas gift. He has not gotten her anything nearly that expensive since, and hasn't sent flowers for things like her college graduation or a severe emergency surgery she had last year. I don't care about monetary value or sending flowers, but I do think it is odd that he spent so much before moving away when he ostensibly didn't have much money, but now that he has an income and military sign-on bonus, he has not spent that much again.
Trevor's father left Trevor, his siblings, and his mother, but Trevor has a hat that his father gave him that he wore often. The hat says "Red Man" across the top of a picture of a Native American man wearing a feathered headdress. He has worn this hat several times around Olivia's friends and they told him they didn't like it and that it was racist. They also asked him to not wear it when he was with them and he refused because it was special to him and his father gave it to him. Olivia then told him to stop wearing it and he eventually agreed (Olivia told me that he stopped wearing the hat after this). A few weeks after this, I facetimed Olivia and Trevor was with her. She turned the camera so I could say hello to him, and he was wearing the hat. I talked to Olivia about this later and she told me that that was the first time he'd worn the hat in a while and it wasn't a big deal. Olivia has always been liberal and never racist, and I am uncomfortable that she was okay with him not only wearing the hat, but being with him while he had it on.
They dated for a little over 3 months in person before he joined the military (recently, Olivia told me that they actually met several months before she told everyone about him and that they actually dated for 6 months before he left). For the next two months in basic training, he was only able to use the phone for 15 minutes total once a week to talk to family and her. Throughout the different training programs he has completed he had sporadic and limited access to phones to communicate, and only in the past 6 months he has had access to his phone to facetime, text, and call (but sometimes he goes for a week or two without phone access). Olivia told me that they wrote letters during the time he didn't have consistent phone access. **I don't think that this is odd, I understand the military limits phone usage, etc., but I don't think they have been able to have an "average" long-distance relationship**
Last year, Olivia drove to GA to visit Trevor the weekend before Valentine's day. He had plans for them to take a pottery class, go on a hike, and have dinner at a nice restaurant. The day she got there, Trevor's barracks had their off-base privileges revoked because one of the guys had contraband. She would still be able to visit him on base though. Somehow, Trevor was able to get off base for long periods of time to her hotel, but unable to do the other activities he had planned for them.
In the past year, Olivia told me that she and Trevor were going to immediately marry when she got to WA so that they could move in together because they had to be married to live together anywhere. I and our dad- who was in the military- told her several times that this was not true, but she insisted it was. Then, his barracks were given an allowance to live off base in apartments because the barracks were being renovated/ rebuilt, so she backed off on the idea of getting married immediately after several long conversations with me. She is still insistent on moving in with Trevor, who lives with a roommate, when she moves to WA.
Some background on Olivia:
Olivia has ADHD and anxiety, and struggled particularly badly with the anxiety/ some depression after being broken up with by the boyfriend she dated before Trevor (he broke it off very abruptly, told her he just didn't love her anymore with no previous indications). Olivia is very pretty (objectively, not just because she's my sister), but had bad acne that she ended up going on accutane for at the time she started dating Trevor and was very insecure about it. She had also decided to not go to medical school, and pursue nursing instead around the same time she met Trevor. This was a very upsetting decision for her because she had been taking very hard courses and was burnt out but had told everyone she was going to be a doctor and thought that she would be letting us down by switching paths. Also around the time she started seeing Trevor, Olivia began being very cruel towards our mother (our mother had been borderline emotionally abusive in the past, but Olivia and I were both in college by then and fixing our relationships with her. She has been much better recently and Olivia and I believe that she had some mental health struggles that went unchecked that contributed). Now, several years later, Olivia told our family that she had acted like that because she was rpd by a friend of her ex-boyfriend's after her ex broke up with her. This person also gave her an STD.
I always believe people who say they have been S A'd, and we believed Olivia when she first told us, but some things have come to light that make me and my family question that. Right after Olivia and her ex broke up, Olivia told our cousin that she had gone out with one of his friends and had revenge/ breakup sex with him because he had also been dumped recently. Once my cousin told me this, I remembered that Olivia had told me about a guy she had a one night stand with after she was dumped. She showed me a picture of him, talked about how cute he was, etc. (no distress whatsoever). I know sometimes people behave in ways you wouldn't expect when a traumatic event occurs to them, but I really don't understand how or why Olivia would brag about this guy if he really did S A her.
Three months ago, Olivia was arrested for stealing a set of sheets from Walmart (incidentally, right before Trevor came to visit her on leave). She used the self check-out and only bought a small $5 item and the sheets. She held both in one hand and scanned each side because she had a cut on the other hand and was holding her wallet with it. She saw a 5 in front of the total number and thought it looked right because the total should have been about $50, paid, didn't get a receipt, and walked out. An employee at the door asked to see a receipt, which Olivia didn't have, so she pulled up her transaction history on her phone to show she had paid. At this point, the employee called the police and took Olivia into an office, where she was questioned and charged with shoplifting. (Olivia can get very emotional and probably got upset when the police questioned her, which may have led them to believe she was lying). Luckily, Olivia has managed to get the charges expunged, but the process is still ongoing. Because of her ADHD, if anyone genuinely made this mistake, I would believe it from her, but Olivia has been improving a lot on organization and being more attentive recently. It is extremely uncharacteristic of her to steal- she was honest to a fault as kids- she would break down from guilt and admit things to our parents that we would have gotten away with if she hadn't said anything.
Right now, my parents have met Trevor twice in person, and I've met him once in person and several times in passing over facetime. I personally don't think that Trevor seems to keep up with my sister or that they make each other shine, and that opinion is shared with family friends and family that have met Trevor. Olivia doesn't mention Trevor in front of our parents often because his name has become a topic of contention and argument between them. My parents don't think Trevor is right for Olivia. She has almost 2 college degrees and plans to become a nurse practitioner in the future, and he hasn't finished college and doesn't seem to have any drive to do so. Olivia is also well traveled and enjoys going to museums, concerts, etc., while Trevor has lived in rural FL his whole life (this is not Trevor's fault, and I don't think he is a lesser person because of it, but I don't see a lot of common ground between them). Trevor has not seemed very well spoken when I have talked to him and I just don't see a lot of qualities in him that Olivia values.
If you've gotten this far, I just don't know what to do. Olivia and my parents have a huge rift in their relationship right now and any mention of Trevor, with her around or not, explodes into a huge argument, discussion, or just icy silence. I want Olivia to be able to talk to me about him, and we are able to discuss things much better than she is with our parents. My parents have also started asking me about Olivia and Trevor because they know Olivia shares more with me, and it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to betray Olivia's trust, but I'm also very worried about her. I know I can't control her actions and I'm having a really hard time trying to balance supporting Olivia but not supporting the relationship (I'm not going to lie to her about how I feel, but I don't want her to feel alienated or unloved by our family, because that is NOT the case). I also think that Olivia is romanticizing the fact that our parents don't like him because my father's parents had a rift with him over our mother when we were very young (this is a whole other story, but basically, his parents always favored his sister, his sister got (I think) jealous when he did well for himself and married my mother, who his parents initially likes, and she made up rumors/lies about my mother that turned his parents against her (this was way before our mother's suspected mental health struggles, which occured when Olivia and I were in middle/high school).
Please share any thoughts you have on the situation (am I reading too into things, is this not as bad as I think it is?), and any advice you have on navigating the relationships.
Tl;dr My sister's boyfriend lied about the circumstances of him dropping out of college and joining the military. Now I think he's lying about not making it through training for two different special/ elite forces. My sister has significantly changed her behavior and I think she may have lied about a significant traumatic event to our family. Now she is planning on moving across the country to him and moving in immediately. Our entire family doesn't like him and we're worried about her. How do I support her but not her relationship?

I’m really nervous rn bc my parents got a letter in the mail saying that I have too many tardies (I completely understand that it’s my fault for having too many tardies) and in the letter they said to call this number as soon as possible to talk about it I’m just worried that their gonna say to come into my schools principal‘s office I really don’t want to go there if that turns out to be the situation bc one time I got my first detention from her for a really stupid reason in my opinion and I think that she was kinda mean abt it (like I understand that u can’t be nice when giving a detention but I don’t think she had to be kinda mean abt it) and she just really makes me anxious or also I’m afraid bc one of the assistant principals knows my name but I don’t really like it (ik its really odd) and I don’t want my parents to think that I want to be friends with all of the staff in school or something they haven’t called the number as far as i know yet I’m just worried abt the outcome of this situation

I met my partner 6 months into his separation with his now ex-wife. He wanted to finalize relationship property asap as they both had a large loan owning to his parents (jointly signed contract). His ex was stalling and would not get advice from a lawyer. By mid year nothing had happened still and she had arranged an overseas holiday to take their kids to visit her family for 6 weeks (it wouldn't have been a cheap trip). Around the same time she wrote a letter to his parents stating she couldn't afford to repay her loan to them. My partner threatened to put a boarder alert up and if she left the country with the children before sorting out the relationship property. She then got a court order to take the kids regardless. The relationship property wasn't resolved before she left and took a further three years to sort out. Am I the arsehole for agreeing that she should have sorted out her relationship property before spending relationship money on a holiday with her kids?

Welcome to a new feature at OhNoConsequences that I just made up, where we revisit the very consequences-heavy stories from the past.

The readers of Ask A Manager were inflamed in 2017, when a young woman complained that she couldn't get a job. All because someone she "probably" bullied threatened to quit if the bully were hired. Did she learn anything from this?
I didn't get a job because I was a bully in high school
Originally posted April 25, 2017
I’ve been trying to break into a niche industry (30-40 jobs in a city with a population of 3 million) for a while now. I’m in my late 20s, and though it took me some time to decide what I wanted to do with my life, I have finished my degree and completed two internships. I’m working part-time in a related field and freelancing while searching for a full-time job in the niche industry. I’m willing to move for the right job, but I’d rather stay close to home — so I was stoked last summer when I got an interview for one of the very few entry-level jobs available in my city! I ultimately didn’t get it, but the interview went well enough they encouraged me to apply the next time they had an opening.
Then an acquaintance who works at the company called me up and asked if I wanted to get coffee. I figured she’d offer me tips on how to do better next time. Instead, she told me to give up on ever being hired there — turns out, a girl I had gone to high school with is a real rock star at this company, and she threatened to resign when it looked like I was about to be offered a job. (I hadn’t realized it was her because her married name is different.) I’ll be honest — I wasn’t a very nice person back then, and I probably was pretty awful to this girl. I looked my former classmate up, and her resume really is incredible. She graduated from college early and has awards people who’ve worked in our industry twice as long haven’t won. Her public-facing work is top-notch. I’m guessing she’s the kind of employee a manager wants to keep around.
My acquaintance’s prediction appears to be true: I didn’t get an interview for a new position at the company that would’ve been an even better fit than the one I’d interviewed for. When I asked why, I was told a staffer had raised some concerns and the company would not be moving forward with my candidacy. I’m heartbroken. I worked so hard for so long to get the training required for this type of work, and I don’t think I deserve to be blacklisted for something I said when I was 17. I have my former classmate’s work email. Should I beg for forgiveness?
Alison from Ask A Manager cautioned the author to make any apology sincere, if she did make an apology.
Did the letter writer make an apology? Did she make any attempt to be accountable for the consequences of her actions? Read on, there was an update:
Update: i didn't get a job because I was a bully in high school
Originally posted December 13, 2017.
I know you didn’t solicit an update, but I felt compelled to send one. I’d written you in the spring because I was having trouble breaking into a niche industry in which a high school classmate I’d bullied was a rock star. I wanted to know if you thought apologizing would help me get a job.
At the advice of your readers, I did delete the draft of an apology email I’d had sitting in my inbox for some time. I applied for one more job with Rock Star’s company, and when I didn’t hear back, I decided it was really and truly time to look elsewhere. I found a shop in a town seven hours away that was desperate to hire someone for a paid 9-month fellowship that started in June because the candidate they’d originally extended an offer to found a full-time, permanent position. I said goodbye to my boyfriend, packed up my car and two cats, and drove to a town I’d never been to.
And I hated it. Not the work. I actually loved the work, but the town sucked. Being away from my boyfriend and my family sucked. Not being able to make friends sucked (everyone else my age was married with two kids already). I called my boyfriend every night crying. He was supposed to come visit me over Labor Day but cancelled at the last minute because he had to work. Seeing how bummed I was, a coworker offered to swap shifts with me so I could make the trip home for the long weekend. I hopped into my car after work on Friday and drove all evening, arriving at the place I’d been sharing with my boyfriend before I moved a little after 1 a.m. Well, you probably know where this was going. He was cheating on me. I was devastated. I spent the rest of the night sobbing on my sister’s couch and drove back to where I was working the next morning.
Except I couldn’t make myself get out of bed on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Or Thursday. I was fired after my third no call no show.
I tried to get the part-time job I’d had before moving for the fellowship back (they’d said come back anytime), but they’d found someone who was faster and more efficient than I’d been. Unable to afford a place on my own, I had to move back in with my parents. Not sure what else to do, I sent another desperate application to Rock Star’s shop. In an effort to cheer me up, my sister and my friends took me out for a nice dinner for my birthday at the end of September. This is where it goes from bad to worse. I drank too much wine at dinner and got pretty weepy. I excused myself from the table to try to put myself together … and ran into Rock Star and her husband celebrating their anniversary on the way to the bathroom.
I ended up yelling/crying at her that she’d ruined my life. I was asked to leave to leave and told I wasn’t welcome back.
That was Saturday night. I spent Sunday hungover in bed, trying to figure out how to clean up the mess I made. On Monday morning, Rock Star’s manager (the one hiring for the job I’d applied for) emailed me to let me know I’d been removed from the candidate pool. She advised me that I would not be considered for future positions at their shop … or any other in the network. That afternoon, without mentioning me or what happened at the restaurant over the weekend, Rock Star tweeted a long thread about how she’d been bullied in high school and she wishes teenagers would realize that high school ends and it does get better. She also tweeted out links to local mental health resources and the National Suicide hotline that were liked/retweeted many, many times.
So, just to recap, no job, no boyfriend, no money, no hope of ever breaking into the industry I spent five years preparing to enter. It’s hard not to feel like some of this is Rock Star’s fault, especially given how she rubbed salt in the wound after my whole world had come crashing down.
TL:DR Bully has not gained much maturity or insight into her behavior since high school, confronts the Rock Star in a restaurant, then thinks Rock Star bullied her. Where do you think the Bully is now? Asking if you want fries with that?

Reminder that I am not the OOP, I have better manners than that.

I got a call from my local Disability Determination office that my CDR exam with a psychologist was cancelled. But I hadn't received a letter or other notification that it was scheduled. I finished submitting my CDR forms a couple of months ago.
I called the employee back, and he said my CDR case is still going on. They might reschedule in the future, but they don't know when. My disability benefits will continue in the meantime. I asked if this might go on indefinitely, and he said yes.
I'm feeling nervous about all this, especially since I suffer from anxiety, social anxiety, mild depression, and low energy. I get easily stressed. Can I call back the employee and ask if I can not have a CDR exam, even if it's pretty far in the future? Any idea when it will be scheduled, if it will?
Can I just provide more information instead of going in for an exam? I hadn't been prescribed meds for mental health in while, since I got bad side effects, and I'm afraid I'll get more if I tried other meds. I'm concerned about the long-term effects of meds, too. Through the years, I've taken a long list of psychiatric meds, and they weren't helpful. Also, I hadn't seen any therapists or psychiatrists for a while, since they haven't been helpful, and they've been rude, hurtful, and condescending to me. They're often like that to patients they don't like, and I'm unlikeable due to a number of factors, including being a very stigmatized ethnicity in my area (and the world), and automatically seen as more unlikeable, less empathic, and less warm than other ethnicities.
I hadn't worked since getting disability about 11 years ago, except for sometime as a caregiver for my mother. I know about the SGA, but I couldn't even work other jobs to meet the SGA, ever. I'm a pretty severe case, though a lot of it is also severe stigmas against me, and how my ethnicity is bullied a lot more, with anxiety and a soft demeanor encouraging people to be rougher and nastier to me, making my life very painful and stressful whenever I have to interact with anyone. I'm unable to network, I have no friends or partner, I get severe anxiety for interviews, and I do poorly in interviews. And that's just the beginning - if I do get a job, I'm bullied endlessly because of shyness, anxiety, and a soft demeanor, in addition to my ethnicity often being bullied and looked down upon.
I was with the DOR on and off all these years, and got nowhere. That itself is proof of how I can't work. People generally are incredibly rude and condescending to me, so I can't get anywhere with people.
I suffer from ADHD-like issues as well, and haven't been able to do self-employment all these years, too.
In the past several years, I was very unsuccessful trying out community college for a few separate semesters, and couldn't finish or get past the first few class meetings, and was stuck with the fees.
I'm still in an online bootcamp, and have barely moved forward after being in it for almost a year, with some pauses and freezes. I had to switch mentors and advisers 3 times already because they were condescending, and I couldn't move forward with them. I also met with a career coach, she was rude as well, and I'm not seeing her again. I'm seen as shy and awkward, and that's magnified because my ethnicity seen that way, and generally looked down upon and poorly treated, with people feeling domineering instead of respectful, without the camaraderie they have towards people of other ethnicities.
Sorry about the longish post. What should I do? Should I call the employee back and explain some of this to avoid the CDR exam, if it's finally scheduled at some time? I'd feel nervous not knowing when it's scheduled, and it could be a long time later. Should I send additional information? This includes doing poorly with the latest hospital I was at (they barred me from going back), not getting anywhere with multiple counselors at DOR, not being able to complete or get anywhere at a community college (had to quit within a few class meetings), not getting anywhere in an online bootcamp, not having any friends/partner, and only interacting with my parents. Also, they know that I hadn't had any job at all other than being a caregiver for my mom for some time, and that stopped a couple of years ago. I never had any other jobs since getting on SSDI about 11 years ago, though I'm aware there's the SGA. I suffer from a lot of pain and anxiety due to being treated poorly, and people devaluing me. Life has been nightmarish for me.

This is a really long story with lots of context so I'll do my best to organize it into current situation, then his backstory and hers. I'm also not using real names or specific locations for any of this to try and keep this private. This also has some contradicting stories and because of how their relationship is structured relies mostly on information I have gotten from my sister, so I'm telling you the story I got from her first and then adding in what I've found out. I'll try to tell this as unbiased as I can but it's been a huge issue in my family for a long time now and that's a little difficult for me to do.
My(20F) sister (Olivia, 24F) has been dating this guy (Trevor, 25M) since 2021. When they started dating, she talked about him fairly often, sent a few pictures of them, ect., but then after a month she stopped mentioning him/ was cagey when we (me and my mom mostly) asked how he was so we assumed it just hadn't worked out. Then two months later she insisted that my parents (54F and 56M) and I all come to visit her college to meet Trevor before he went into the Army (she lived several hours away from my parents and several hours from my college, so I had to get a bus ticket and my parents had to get a hotel room to do this. We only met him once for dinner). Now they've been dating long distance for three years after a three month in-person relationship. She is in nursing school and is planning on moving across the country (literally opposite corners of the map) to live with him and is not applying to any residency programs outside of the Army base area (limiting her choices a LOT from her original goals and narrowing employment opportunities).
Olivia met Trevor on several dating apps, matched with him, but didn't really want to go out with him. He was really persistent, so her friend convinced her to go out with him. She lied about the way they met to our parents and told them they met at the gym through a mutual friend (she lied to me about this at first too and told me the truth about 3 months after they started dating). At the time, Trevor was working as a used car salesman and living at home (~45 min. away from Olivia's school in a rural area) because his sports scholarship had been dropped before his Senior year due to covid at the college he had been attending out of state. The university was unaccredited (I later did some internet stalking and found out it was accredited), so his credits would not transfer and he would have to start over. He was saving up money to attend school in state at the large college Olivia attended so he could go back to school. **Our state has crazy low tuition costs in-state and a full-tuition scholarship program for good high school GPA and SAT scores. There was also a "feeder" community college that had half the cost per credit hour that a lot of people would go to before the larger university if they didn't get in straight out of high school.**
Olivia told me that Trevor had applied to her college and not gotten in (she later told me he HAD gotten in but been unable to afford tuition). Either way, he decided to join the Army because his father had been in the Army. The Army would take his credit hours and he would be able to finish his degree during his 5 year contract or use the GI bill once he got out. **She is comparing the situation to our father, who joined the Army directly out of high school and used the GI bill to go to college after his 2 year contract because his parents wouldn't pay for school. He was a medic in the military, worked as an EMT through college, and then went to nursing school.** The original plan was that Trevor would be a Green Beret (special forces, linking the training pipeline here: https://www.reddit.com/greenberets/comments/xwdbta/current_sf_pipeline_correct_me_if_im_wrong/ ), he completed basic training and and got several months through the NC training before failing the running portion of a physical by about 10 seconds and being dropped from the selection process. He then decided that he wanted to be a Ranger (another elite position). He got sent back to GA, then to the Ranger school base in WA (it took a couple of months before he was sent to WA). Again, he got partway through the training before failing the running portion of a physical by a few seconds. He is now not sure if he will be continuing Ranger school (failing the physical means no, but commanders may pass him anyways if they think he should continue). For a while, Trevor told Olivia that he might not stay at the base in WA if he wasn't in Ranger school and there were a variety of different bases he could be sent to, including somewhere in Italy, so she wasn't sure where to look for jobs. In the past month, Trevor told Olivia that he would likely stay in WA regardless of the Ranger school results.
Through this all, Olivia has visited Trevor at the different military bases countless times, driving from as far as south FL to NC and putting over 30,000 miles on a brand new car over the course of the 1.5 years she's owned it. Before she had the car, she paid for plane tickets to see him and hotels whenever she visited. At the time, she told me that he was paying for all of these trips because he was unable to visit her, was making an income that wasn't being spent, and she was working to save for nursing school and later was living off of student loans and savings during nursing school. She later admitted to me that she had paid for almost all of the expenses except for food when they ate out together and part of a hotel room one weekend.
A few odd things (to me) between Olivia and Trevor over the course of their relationship:
About a month into their relationship, Trevor got Olivia an over $300 christmas gift. He has not gotten her anything nearly that expensive since, and hasn't sent flowers for things like her college graduation or a severe emergency surgery she had last year. I don't care about monetary value or sending flowers, but I do think it is odd that he spent so much before moving away when he ostensibly didn't have much money, but now that he has an income and military sign-on bonus, he has not spent that much again.
Trevor's father left Trevor, his siblings, and his mother, but Trevor has a hat that his father gave him that he wore often. The hat says "Red Man" across the top of a picture of a Native American man wearing a feathered headdress. He has worn this hat several times around Olivia's friends and they told him they didn't like it and that it was racist. They also asked him to not wear it when he was with them and he refused because it was special to him and his father gave it to him. Olivia then told him to stop wearing it and he eventually agreed (Olivia told me that he stopped wearing the hat after this). A few weeks after this, I facetimed Olivia and Trevor was with her. She turned the camera so I could say hello to him, and he was wearing the hat. I talked to Olivia about this later and she told me that that was the first time he'd worn the hat in a while and it wasn't a big deal. Olivia has always been liberal and never racist, and I am uncomfortable that she was okay with him not only wearing the hat, but being with him while he had it on.
They dated for a little over 3 months in person before he joined the military (recently, Olivia told me that they actually met several months before she told everyone about him and that they actually dated for 6 months before he left). For the next two months in basic training, he was only able to use the phone for 15 minutes total once a week to talk to family and her. Throughout the different training programs he has completed he had sporadic and limited access to phones to communicate, and only in the past 6 months he has had access to his phone to facetime, text, and call (but sometimes he goes for a week or two without phone access). Olivia told me that they wrote letters during the time he didn't have consistent phone access. **I don't think that this is odd, I understand the military limits phone usage, etc., but I don't think they have been able to have an "average" long-distance relationship**
Last year, Olivia drove to GA to visit Trevor the weekend before Valentine's day. He had plans for them to take a pottery class, go on a hike, and have dinner at a nice restaurant. The day she got there, Trevor's barracks had their off-base privileges revoked because one of the guys had contraband. She would still be able to visit him on base though. Somehow, Trevor was able to get off base for long periods of time to her hotel, but unable to do the other activities he had planned for them.
In the past year, Olivia told me that she and Trevor were going to immediately marry when she got to WA so that they could move in together because they had to be married to live together anywhere. I and our dad- who was in the military- told her several times that this was not true, but she insisted it was. Then, his barracks were given an allowance to live off base in apartments because the barracks were being renovated/ rebuilt, so she backed off on the idea of getting married immediately after several long conversations with me. She is still insistent on moving in with Trevor, who lives with a roommate, when she moves to WA.
Some background on Olivia:
Olivia has ADHD and anxiety, and struggled particularly badly with the anxiety/ some depression after being broken up with by the boyfriend she dated before Trevor (he broke it off very abruptly, told her he just didn't love her anymore with no previous indications). Olivia is very pretty (objectively, not just because she's my sister), but had bad acne that she ended up going on accutane for at the time she started dating Trevor and was very insecure about it. She had also decided to not go to medical school, and pursue nursing instead around the same time she met Trevor. This was a very upsetting decision for her because she had been taking very hard courses and was burnt out but had told everyone she was going to be a doctor and thought that she would be letting us down by switching paths. Also around the time she started seeing Trevor, Olivia began being very cruel towards our mother (our mother had been borderline emotionally abusive in the past, but Olivia and I were both in college by then and fixing our relationships with her. She has been much better recently and Olivia and I believe that she had some mental health struggles that went unchecked that contributed). Now, several years later, Olivia told our family that she had acted like that because she was rpd by a friend of her ex-boyfriend's after her ex broke up with her. This person also gave her an STD.
I always believe people who say they have been S A'd, and we believed Olivia when she first told us, but some things have come to light that make me and my family question that. Right after Olivia and her ex broke up, Olivia told our cousin that she had gone out with one of his friends and had revenge/ breakup sex with him because he had also been dumped recently. Once my cousin told me this, I remembered that Olivia had told me about a guy she had a one night stand with after she was dumped. She showed me a picture of him, talked about how cute he was, etc. (no distress whatsoever). I know sometimes people behave in ways you wouldn't expect when a traumatic event occurs to them, but I really don't understand how or why Olivia would brag about this guy if he really did S A her.
Three months ago, Olivia was arrested for stealing a set of sheets from Walmart (incidentally, right before Trevor came to visit her on leave). She used the self check-out and only bought a small $5 item and the sheets. She held both in one hand and scanned each side because she had a cut on the other hand and was holding her wallet with it. She saw a 5 in front of the total number and thought it looked right because the total should have been about $50, paid, didn't get a receipt, and walked out. An employee at the door asked to see a receipt, which Olivia didn't have, so she pulled up her transaction history on her phone to show she had paid. At this point, the employee called the police and took Olivia into an office, where she was questioned and charged with shoplifting. (Olivia can get very emotional and probably got upset when the police questioned her, which may have led them to believe she was lying). Luckily, Olivia has managed to get the charges expunged, but the process is still ongoing. Because of her ADHD, if anyone genuinely made this mistake, I would believe it from her, but Olivia has been improving a lot on organization and being more attentive recently. It is extremely uncharacteristic of her to steal- she was honest to a fault as kids- she would break down from guilt and admit things to our parents that we would have gotten away with if she hadn't said anything.
Right now, my parents have met Trevor twice in person, and I've met him once in person and several times in passing over facetime. I personally don't think that Trevor seems to keep up with my sister or that they make each other shine, and that opinion is shared with family friends and family that have met Trevor. Olivia doesn't mention Trevor in front of our parents often because his name has become a topic of contention and argument between them. My parents don't think Trevor is right for Olivia. She has almost 2 college degrees and plans to become a nurse practitioner in the future, and he hasn't finished college and doesn't seem to have any drive to do so. Olivia is also well traveled and enjoys going to museums, concerts, etc., while Trevor has lived in rural FL his whole life (this is not Trevor's fault, and I don't think he is a lesser person because of it, but I don't see a lot of common ground between them). Trevor has not seemed very well spoken when I have talked to him and I just don't see a lot of qualities in him that Olivia values.
If you've gotten this far, I just don't know what to do. Olivia and my parents have a huge rift in their relationship right now and any mention of Trevor, with her around or not, explodes into a huge argument, discussion, or just icy silence. I want Olivia to be able to talk to me about him, and we are able to discuss things much better than she is with our parents. My parents have also started asking me about Olivia and Trevor because they know Olivia shares more with me, and it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to betray Olivia's trust, but I'm also very worried about her. I know I can't control her actions and I'm having a really hard time trying to balance supporting Olivia but not supporting the relationship (I'm not going to lie to her about how I feel, but I don't want her to feel alienated or unloved by our family, because that is NOT the case). I also think that Olivia is romanticizing the fact that our parents don't like him because my father's parents had a rift with him over our mother when we were very young (this is a whole other story, but basically, his parents always favored his sister, his sister got (I think) jealous when he did well for himself and married my mother, who his parents initially likes, and she made up rumors/lies about my mother that turned his parents against her (this was way before our mother's suspected mental health struggles, which occured when Olivia and I were in middle/high school).
Please share any thoughts you have on the situation (am I reading too into things, is this not as bad as I think it is?), and any advice you have on navigating the relationships.

This is a really long story with lots of context so I'll do my best to organize it into current situation, then his backstory and hers. I'm also not using real names or specific locations for any of this to try and keep this private. This also has some contradicting stories and because of how their relationship is structured relies mostly on information I have gotten from my sister, so I'm telling you the story I got from her first and then adding in what I've found out. I'll try to tell this as unbiased as I can but it's been a huge issue in my family for a long time now and that's a little difficult for me to do.
My sister (Olivia, 24F) has been dating this guy (Trevor, 25M) since 2021. When they started dating, she talked about him fairly often, sent a few pictures of them, ect., but then after a month she stopped mentioning him/ was cagey when we (me and my mom mostly) asked how he was so we assumed it just hadn't worked out. Then two months later she insisted that my parents and I all come to visit her college to meet Trevor before he went into the Army (she lived several hours away from my parents and several hours from my college, so I had to get a bus ticket and my parents had to get a hotel room to do this. We only met him once for dinner). Now they've been dating long distance for three years after a three month in-person relationship. She is in nursing school and is planning on moving across the country (literally opposite corners of the map) to live with him and is not applying to any residency programs outside of the Army base area (limiting her choices a LOT from her original goals and narrowing employment opportunities).
Olivia met Trevor on several dating apps, matched with him, but didn't really want to go out with him. He was really persistent, so her friend convinced her to go out with him. She lied about the way they met to our parents and told them they met at the gym through a mutual friend (she lied to me about this at first too and told me the truth about 3 months after they started dating). At the time, Trevor was working as a used car salesman and living at home (~45 min. away from Olivia's school in a rural area) because his sports scholarship had been dropped before his Senior year due to covid at the college he had been attending out of state. The university was unaccredited (I later did some internet stalking and found out it was accredited), so his credits would not transfer and he would have to start over. He was saving up money to attend school in state at the large college Olivia attended so he could go back to school. **Our state has crazy low tuition costs in-state and a full-tuition scholarship program for good high school GPA and SAT scores. There was also a "feeder" community college that had half the cost per credit hour that a lot of people would go to before the larger university if they didn't get in straight out of high school.**
Olivia told me that Trevor had applied to her college and not gotten in (she later told me he HAD gotten in but been unable to afford tuition). Either way, he decided to join the Army because his father had been in the Army. The Army would take his credit hours and he would be able to finish his degree during his 5 year contract or use the GI bill once he got out. **She is comparing the situation to our father, who joined the Army directly out of high school and used the GI bill to go to college after his 2 year contract because his parents wouldn't pay for school. He was a medic in the military, worked as an EMT through college, and then went to nursing school.** The original plan was that Trevor would be a Green Beret (special forces, linking the training pipeline here: https://www.reddit.com/greenberets/comments/xwdbta/current_sf_pipeline_correct_me_if_im_wrong/ ), he completed basic training and and got several months through the NC training before failing the running portion of a physical by about 10 seconds and being dropped from the selection process. He then decided that he wanted to be a Ranger (another elite position). He got sent back to GA, then to the Ranger school base in WA (it took a couple of months before he was sent to WA). Again, he got partway through the training before failing the running portion of a physical by a few seconds. He is now not sure if he will be continuing Ranger school (failing the physical means no, but commanders may pass him anyways if they think he should continue). For a while, Trevor told Olivia that he might not stay at the base in WA if he wasn't in Ranger school and there were a variety of different bases he could be sent to, including somewhere in Italy, so she wasn't sure where to look for jobs. In the past month, Trevor told Olivia that he would likely stay in WA regardless of the Ranger school results.
Through this all, Olivia has visited Trevor at the different military bases countless times, driving from as far as south FL to NC and putting over 30,000 miles on a brand new car over the course of the 1.5 years she's owned it. Before she had the car, she paid for plane tickets to see him and hotels whenever she visited. At the time, she told me that he was paying for all of these trips because he was unable to visit her, was making an income that wasn't being spent, and she was working to save for nursing school and later was living off of student loans and savings during nursing school. She later admitted to me that she had paid for almost all of the expenses except for food when they ate out together and part of a hotel room one weekend.
A few odd things (to me) between Olivia and Trevor over the course of their relationship:
About a month into their relationship, Trevor got Olivia an over $300 christmas gift. He has not gotten her anything nearly that expensive since, and hasn't sent flowers for things like her college graduation or a severe emergency surgery she had last year. I don't care about monetary value or sending flowers, but I do think it is odd that he spent so much before moving away when he ostensibly didn't have much money, but now that he has an income and military sign-on bonus, he has not spent that much again.
Trevor's father left Trevor, his siblings, and his mother, but Trevor has a hat that his father gave him that he wore often. The hat says "Red Man" across the top of a picture of a Native American man wearing a feathered headdress. He has worn this hat several times around Olivia's friends and they told him they didn't like it and that it was racist. They also asked him to not wear it when he was with them and he refused because it was special to him and his father gave it to him. Olivia then told him to stop wearing it and he eventually agreed (Olivia told me that he stopped wearing the hat after this). A few weeks after this, I facetimed Olivia and Trevor was with her. She turned the camera so I could say hello to him, and he was wearing the hat. I talked to Olivia about this later and she told me that that was the first time he'd worn the hat in a while and it wasn't a big deal. Olivia has always been liberal and never racist, and I am uncomfortable that she was okay with him not only wearing the hat, but being with him while he had it on.
They dated for a little over 3 months in person before he joined the military (recently, Olivia told me that they actually met several months before she told everyone about him and that they actually dated for 6 months before he left). For the next two months in basic training, he was only able to use the phone for 15 minutes total once a week to talk to family and her. Throughout the different training programs he has completed he had sporadic and limited access to phones to communicate, and only in the past 6 months he has had access to his phone to facetime, text, and call (but sometimes he goes for a week or two without phone access). Olivia told me that they wrote letters during the time he didn't have consistent phone access. **I don't think that this is odd, I understand the military limits phone usage, etc., but I don't think they have been able to have an "average" long-distance relationship**
Last year, Olivia drove to GA to visit Trevor the weekend before Valentine's day. He had plans for them to take a pottery class, go on a hike, and have dinner at a nice restaurant. The day she got there, Trevor's barracks had their off-base privileges revoked because one of the guys had contraband. She would still be able to visit him on base though. Somehow, Trevor was able to get off base for long periods of time to her hotel, but unable to do the other activities he had planned for them.
In the past year, Olivia told me that she and Trevor were going to immediately marry when she got to WA so that they could move in together because they had to be married to live together anywhere. I and our dad- who was in the military- told her several times that this was not true, but she insisted it was. Then, his barracks were given an allowance to live off base in apartments because the barracks were being renovated/ rebuilt, so she backed off on the idea of getting married immediately after several long conversations with me. She is still insistent on moving in with Trevor, who lives with a roommate, when she moves to WA.
Some background on Olivia:
Olivia has ADHD and anxiety, and struggled particularly badly with the anxiety/ some depression after being broken up with by the boyfriend she dated before Trevor (he broke it off very abruptly, told her he just didn't love her anymore with no previous indications). Olivia is very pretty (objectively, not just because she's my sister), but had bad acne that she ended up going on accutane for at the time she started dating Trevor and was very insecure about it. She had also decided to not go to medical school, and pursue nursing instead around the same time she met Trevor. This was a very upsetting decision for her because she had been taking very hard courses and was burnt out but had told everyone she was going to be a doctor and thought that she would be letting us down by switching paths. Also around the time she started seeing Trevor, Olivia began being very cruel towards our mother (our mother had been borderline emotionally abusive in the past, but Olivia and I were both in college by then and fixing our relationships with her. She has been much better recently and Olivia and I believe that she had some mental health struggles that went unchecked that contributed). Now, several years later, Olivia told our family that she had acted like that because she was raped by a friend of her ex-boyfriend's after her ex broke up with her. This person also gave her an STD.
I always believe people who say they have been sexually assaulted, abused, or harassed, and we believed Olivia when she first told us, but some things have come to light that make me and my family question that. Right after Olivia and her ex broke up, Olivia told our cousin that she had gone out with one of his friends and had revenge/ breakup sex with him because he had also been dumped recently. Once my cousin told me this, I remembered that Olivia had told me about a guy she had a one night stand with after she was dumped. She showed me a picture of him, talked about how cute he was, etc. (no distress whatsoever). I know sometimes people behave in ways you wouldn't expect when a traumatic event occurs to them, but I really don't understand how or why Olivia would brag about this guy if he really did sexually assault her.
Three months ago, Olivia was arrested for stealing a set of sheets from Walmart. She used the self check-out and only bought a small $5 item and the sheets. She held both in one hand and scanned each side because she had a cut on the other hand and was holding her wallet with it. She saw a 5 in front of the total number and thought it looked right because the total should have been about $50, paid, didn't get a receipt, and walked out. An employee at the door asked to see a receipt, which Olivia didn't have, so she pulled up her transaction history on her phone to show she had paid. At this point, the employee called the police and took Olivia into an office, where she was questioned and charged with shoplifting. (Olivia can get very emotional and probably got upset when the police questioned her, which may have led them to believe she was lying). Luckily, Olivia has managed to get the charges expunged, but the process is still ongoing. Because of her ADHD, if anyone genuinely made this mistake, I would believe it from her, but Olivia has been improving a lot on organization and being more attentive recently. It is extremely uncharacteristic of her to steal- she was honest to a fault as kids- she would break down from guilt and admit things to our parents that we would have gotten away with if she hadn't said anything.
Right now, my parents have met Trevor twice in person, and I've met him once in person and several times in passing over facetime. I personally don't think that Trevor seems to keep up with my sister or that they make each other shine, and that opinion is shared with family friends and family that have met Trevor. Olivia doesn't mention Trevor in front of our parents often because his name has become a topic of contention and argument between them. My parents don't think Trevor is right for Olivia. She has almost 2 college degrees and plans to become a nurse practitioner in the future, and he hasn't finished college and doesn't seem to have any drive to do so. Olivia is also well traveled and enjoys going to museums, concerts, etc., while Trevor has lived in rural FL his whole life (this is not Trevor's fault, and I don't think he is a lesser person because of it, but I don't see a lot of common ground between them). Trevor has not seemed very well spoken when I have talked to him and I just don't see a lot of qualities in him that Olivia values.
If you've gotten this far, I just don't know what to do. Olivia and my parents have a huge rift in their relationship right now and any mention of Trevor, with her around or not, explodes into a huge argument, discussion, or just icy silence. I want Olivia to be able to talk to me about him, and we are able to discuss things much better than she is with our parents. My parents have also started asking me about Olivia and Trevor because they know Olivia shares more with me, and it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to betray Olivia's trust, but I'm also very worried about her. I know I can't control her actions and I'm having a really hard time trying to balance supporting Olivia but not supporting the relationship (I'm not going to lie to her about how I feel, but I don't want her to feel alienated or unloved by our family, because that is NOT the case). I also think that Olivia is romanticizing the fact that our parents don't like him because my father's parents had a rift with him over our mother when we were very young (this is a whole other story, but basically, his parents always favored his sister, his sister got (I think) jealous when he did well for himself and married my mother, who his parents initially likes, and she made up rumors/lies about my mother that turned his parents against her (this was way before our mother's suspected mental health struggles, which occured when Olivia and I were in middle/high school).
Please share any thoughts you have on the situation (am I reading too into things, is this not as bad as I think it is?), and any advice you have on navigating the relationships.

I am 20M. I somehow discovered that I for sure have severe adhd and tried to read as much as I could on this sub as well as articles etc. I can't get medications done, please don't suggest me that, as it's literally not possible for me to put my family in that burden with every member having their own problems. I just can't tell them.
Nothing is working, I have been trying hard everyday that atleast some improvement, atleast some improvement, but nope, nothing works. I have fucked up my undergrad years (currently in final sem), wasted so much money of my parents on coaching n all, have been telling them that I am preparing for entrance and that's why I need coaching because I could not make a decision as to what I want to do next with my career. But again didn't study anything, fucked up my exams, won't be getting any good university. Don't have an offer letter for any job, don't have anything. Literally fucked up with my academics. Won't be forming a good GPA at the end of my final sem. All because of inaction that comes with adhd. I am literally not able to figure out anything despite trying so hard now as this adhd just doesn't let me even do things.
How do you guys gather the courage to still go on and try making a good living in this society.

I want to go to graduate school for comparative literature. i'm and english major and a junior. i want to get a masters probably. everything going great until my junior year- 4.0 average in a major, 3.94 in non major. junior year hits, suddenly i'm extremely depressed and my eating disorder comes back to such an extent a seriously should have taken a semester off, but i was afraid of having my parents pay more money than they should. i was literally just trying to survive each day. have a extremely hard time speaking in class in general. take literary theory course, class i've been looking forward to my entire college career. the entire thing is graded based on speaking in class with one final paper at the end. i write the final in three days, impressed i even got it out, and obviously my speaking skills suck. professor hates me. B+. i'm not trying to make excuses, i should have gotten tf out of there.
this semester- i overbooked myself with extracurriculars so i don't get depressed again. it worked. get As in all my other classes (foreign language classes). the two english classes i was taking - i will probably get an A- and a B+. i really want to go to a top grad school. do i still have a chance if i get As in all my other english classes my senior year. please be honest. my letters of rec will probably be good to mid. i know literary theory is more crucial for comparative literature studies.
i am considering studying in Germany or America. i'm american.

Hi everyone!
I wanted to take some time and sit and write this before I got too busy and get carried away as we hit 5k members like two week ago. I thought so many times in the car about making this post to celebrate our amazing community we have here. Its hard to celebrate the large number of PA in numbers but in numbers we are one of the, if not the largest broken people who gathered together as family to help each other on the internet. That is a huge deal and huge responsibilty we have to each other.
We are an amazing dedicated community. We are some of the toughest and the most resilient people out there. I know this. I read and feel it everyday. I cry with you and I do my damnest to protect you and help you.
Everyday I read and see the comments from wonderful members who raises each other's spirits and truly like family share the grief of each parent who find the peace in sharing their hardship and pain as their own. I love seeing our memebers reach out and write the truest of words that make the difference in each of our lives. Thank you. It truly does make a difference and I know it first hand.
Just the other day one of my old posts on therpist not making hard choices on PA were answered with a real answer from a real doctotherapist. I still get to learn something new about my own PA journey everyday. The growth of our forum means more comments. I just want everyone to keep in mind that some of us are going through this ordeal as new comers and can be sensitive to criticism. Criticism however warranted is fine. Its a free country it will always will be an open forum. Thank you for reporting bad posts Thank you for taking the time to read our letters and words of grief. Thank you for responding and being part of the messy difficult journey that is PA. Thank you for making this community the most important community I am a part of. I promise to always keep us proud and never forget each and ever one of your posts. Before I go on and on.
Always , always look forward to happier days. No regrets. Give it your all. I hope you find peace in all your attenpts to reach out, every chance to speak or see your child. Every inch and minute you fight to be with them. If you need us , we will be here for you.
My son is now 14 and with me everyday since he was 9 and left at a hospital due to his ADHD.
He was coached and alienated since he was 5
My daughter is now 13 and I see her 4 days a month since she was alienated and coached since she was 4 years old.
Her scowls have turned to hmmmm and within the last year things have gotten better. I am faking it to make it with my alienator. I always keep my guard up. but last weekend , I got to watch the alienators dog while my daughter was over. What the hell thats a negative really, but I took it as a win. Lets all find the little wins togther.

I really struggled in my first two years of college. I was at a religious university with relatively strict rules yet I wasn’t practicing the religion. That weighed heavily on my mental health as I dealt with guilt and fear. I also spent those first two years studying a STEM program that I felt pressured to be in by my parents. They were hopeful I would study something in the STEM field and I didn’t want to disappoint them. All of that being said, I was in a very hard place and didn’t do well. I wasn’t passionate about my school work and was actively phasing out of a high control religion, leading me to earn a 2.9 GPA after 2 years and 47 credit hours.
Eventually I gained the courage to leave the school and change my major to something I felt excited about. I transferred schools and started to doing a lot better. I just graduated from the university I transferred to with a 3.68 GPA from 83 credit hours, 1 published paper, and a semester of relative research experience. I made good connections and feel confident in my letters of recommendation.
My question is, how much will my experience and GPA at the first university impact my ability to get into PhD programs? Will that be weighed equally to my newer GPA? I plan to explain some of the reasons for my low GPA at my first school, but don’t know how appropriate my reasoning is (religious struggle, pressure to study something I despised) ? Is there a good way to explain this without sounding like a weak sob story?
Lastly, with my GPA(s) and experience, would I appear competitive for higher tier programs? I don’t plan to apply to top programs or any Ivy League schools, but would really love to attend a well respected university.
Thank you in advance. These are questions that I have struggled to find answers to without directly asking here myself.

I (33F) have been dating my boyfriend (32M) for almost 3 years. I feel deeply in love with him, envisioned a long future together and feel as though I found my person, but we’ve been struggling a little bit recently. His mother’s health is declining for about a year and he is really struggling with a lot of guilt, depression and has very little patience with everything he is juggling. I’ve being trying to be as patient, supportive and understanding as I possibly can be, but have felt a noticeable difference in his affection towards me and we’ve been feeling generally distant. I’ve brought up the distance to him before, and he said he would work on it, but he was more affectionate for about a week and then quickly went back to how he distant he felt. There have been times that I have tried to bring it up again to work through and I have been told I’m being too sensitive or have felt like a nuisance on top of all he is carrying. I’m a generally insecure person but it has been culminating lately for me personally as I just did a bunch of job switch ups and started a really big state job, which has been tough for me mentally. I’ve not really tried to tell him because I don’t want to add to his plate and been trying to focus on navigating how to support him through this time (and sometimes failing because I’ve not experienced losing a parent yet and struggle to know what is helpful). But it gets really overwhelming and I feel often I’m struggling through my insecurities in our relationship alone.
Last weekend, in a moment of weakness, I felt the sting of jealousy take me over and I got it in my head that he must be talking to another person if he is so distant. I went through his phone for about 5 minutes, luckily I found nothing, but I’m not smooth in the slightest (and he never puts his phone down) and he caught me. I immediately came to my senses and have been apologizing profusely since, and he initially said it was ok and seemed to want to move forward. But this weekend, he got pretty drunk and treated me very horrible when I was over, saying he actually didn’t feel over it. He wanted to break up that night, saying I’ve destroyed his trust. And I was a mess. We’ve just started talking tentatively again, we never stay long apart and I know he misses me. He says he doesn’t want to break up, and wants work on it, but that we need to rebuild our trust. My plan so far is to invite him to a nice dinner this weekend, write him a letter telling him why I love him, and see if we can plan for steps forward (specifically wanting to ask him what actions he needs me to take to rebuild his trust). But also want to talk about things I hope we both can maybe work on, like rebuilding affection and making sure we have an environment where I feel safe to bring up concerns to him and not feel like I’m being annoying.
What are other ways I can rebuild trust with him? And is it totally inappropriate to bring up things I need to feel more secure in our relationship?

Demographics

• Gender: Male
• Race/Ethnicity: white
• Residence: socal :)
• Income Bracket: middle class
• Type of School: public
• Hooks (Recruited Athlete, URM, First-Gen, Geographic, Legacy, etc.): n/a

Intended Major(s): (write here)
international relations or poli sci (depending on the school)
Academics

• GPA (UW/W): 3.87/4.59
• Rank (or percentile): n/a
• of Honors/AP/IB/Dual Enrollment/etc.: 11 aps
• Senior Year Course Load: academic decathlon, ap lit, ap stats, apah, ap french, ap gov/ap micro

Standardized Testing

• ACT: 34 (36E, 32M, 33R, 33S)
• AP/IB: ap euro (4), ap lang (3), ap spanish (5), apush (5), apes (4)

Extracurriculars/Activities

1. academic decathlon president
2. shift leader at parents' small business
3. spanish national honors society treasurer
4. varsity discus and shot put captain
5. religious school post-confirmation
6. local library volunteer
7. spanish and french tutor
8. local climate change awareness organization
9. summer program at prestigious university
10. youth leadership program

Awards/Honors
List all awards and honors submitted on your application.

1. a handful of academic decathlon medals from county competitions
2. scholar athlete
3. national spanish exam bronze medal
4. ap scholar with distinction

Letters of Recommendation
ap spanish: 9/10
apush: 5/10
counselor: 6/10?? idk
Interviews
brown video: 4/10 it was pretty bad and i had a terrible time filming it
american u: 7/10 it was my first one and my only one in person, i thought it went good
washu: 6/10 i didn't get one with an alum but i got one with a current student, so im not certain if it counted
occidental college: 4/10 i did not click with my interviewer at all lmao
syracuse: 9/10 i accidentally missed my interview originally but my interviewer was super understanding and we rescheduled and it went great
northwestern: 9/10 i felt like this one went really well, and i really clicked with my interviewer
georgetown: 8/10 nothing really remarkable that i can remember, i just remember feeling good afterward
Essays
im going to keep this anonymous just in case im recognized from this (i hope im not lol). i think on the whole everything was pretty decent.
Decisions (indicate ED/EA/REA/SCEA/RD)
brown ED: rejected
maryland EA: accepted+merit
wisconsin EA: accepted
uc davis RD: accepted
uci RD: waitlisted -> withdrew
sdsu RD: accepted
american u RD: accepted+merit
uw RD: accepted
ucla RD: rejected
ucsb RD: waitlisted -> withdrew
washu RD: rejected
oxy RD: accepted+merit
syracuse RD: accepted
gwu RD: accepted+merit
northwestern RD: rejected
georgetown RD: rejected
cal poly RD: rejected
cal RD: rejected
DECISION: MARYLAND CO '28!!!! GO TERPS
Additional Information:
i go to a pretty competitive high school in a relatively wealthy area and learned about the process, got high hopes, and honestly got a little prestige obsessed around my junior year. I had five dream schools (brown, ucla, washu, northwestern, and georgetown) and ended up getting rejected from all of them which was both a total punch in the gut and a much needed wake up call. the decision for me based on fit and financials came down to maryland, washington, and davis, and as a result of the really generous merit aid i recieved at umd as well as the university's perfect location near washington DC, it was just the perfect fit. After visiting the school, I totally fell in love with the campus, the culture, and having a big 10 sports program definitely didn't hurt it. looking back on everything, i was totally naïve and applied to a ton of schools, which thankfully worked out for my targets, but i was at one point certain that i would get into at least one of my reaches. in the end, im really glad that i didnt get into any of them because i would have never considered maryland, a school i almost didnt even apply to. also, as a jewish student, the thriving jewish community on maryland's campus is really comforting, especially with everything going on right now at colleges. congrats to all of this years seniors and good luck to all the incoming seniors with their apps! and if youre going to maryland next year, hmu!!!

This is the second megathread for the current ongoing conflict between HYBE and ADOR, which is both directly and indirectly related to NewJeans. Part 1 is linked here. We will continue to update this thread as relevant articles and news about this topic pertaining to NewJeans and their label ADOR are released. Feel free to contribute in the comments below if/when new updates are released. Thank you for understanding!
Please engage in civil discussions. We don't want to have to hand hold you and tell you what is right and what is wrong. This is your online space. Please make it safe for yourself and for others. Report any incivil comments should they occur and we will get to them as soon as possible and hand out disciplinary actions accordingly.
Relevant Articles:

• 240422 Soompi: HYBE Initiates Audit Of ADOR's Management Including CEO Min Hee Jin
  
• 240422 Soompi: ADOR Responds To HYBE's Audit With Statement Involving ILLIT And NewJeans
  
• 240422 Korea JoongAng Daily: NewJeans comeback will proceed as planned, despite HYBE-ADOR drama
  
• 240425 Korea JoongAng Daily: HYBE to report ADOR CEO Min Hee-jin to police
  
• 240425 Korea JoongAng Daily: ADOR CEO Min Hee-jin to hold press conference at 3 p.m.
  
• 240425 Korea JoongAng Daily: LIVE UPDATES — ADOR CEO Min Hee-jin press conference
  
• 240425 Soompi: HYBE Announces NewJeans's Activities Will Continue As Planned + To Take Legal Action For Malicious Posts Against Members
  
• 240425 Soompi: HYBE Releases Statement In Response To ADOR CEO Min Hee Jin's Press Conference
  
• 240429 Korea JoongAng Daily: ADOR rejects HYBE's demand for board meeting, calls request 'illegal'
  
• 240503 Soompi: ADOR Releases In-Depth Statement In Response To HYBE's Stance
  
• 240510 Soompi: Min Hee Jin Releases Statement About Audit Of ADOR Employee + HYBE Responds
  
• 240513 Soompi: NewJeans Members’ Parents Letter Speaking Out Against HYBE Revealed
  
• 240513 Soompi: HYBE Releases Statement About Email Reportedly Sent By Parents Of NewJeans
  

I (22) applied for my first apartment May 1st, my roommate applied May 2nd. The desired move in date is for July 1st. I used my offer letter as my proof of income to which they asked for a signed version of it from my manager. I couldn't get it signed by my job because it's a large company and my offer was done digitally over a year ago (I interned there last summer and received a full time offer then).
After 2 days going back and forth with the LC, ultimately they wouldn't take my offer letter and when I asked if I could put my parents as a cosigner they said they'll just use my roommates current income/co-signer as my proof since my credit is in "good standing".
My roommate and I were told that we would hear the news of the application either "today or tomorrow" on may 6th (monday). On wednesday we didn't hear anything so my roommate calls. The LC was out of office so whoever answered the phone told us we were approved and we would get more information later in the week. Today's saturday and we didn't hear anything.
I reach out first by calling to which I got no answer. Afterwards I text in the portal and an hour or so later the LC apologies because she was off and would "send us a link to pay our deposit with in 48 hours." I assumed she meant within 48 hours we would need to pay, but now rereading I think she meant in 48 hours it will be posted to pay.
She then follows up and says when we're in the portal we won't see a charge for the deposit but we can make a payment that will show as a credit until the charge is posted. She also says the lease and welcome email will be sent closer to, however july 1st is in 2 months, so I would prefer to sign the lease sooner because I am coming from out of state.
Update: it's been past 48 hours and still no deposit charge. I asked ad the LC said leases are typically sent out 2-3 weeks before the move in date. My older sister's experiece has always been to recieve the lease asap after applying. Is this normal?

I don’t know. I wanted to post here. I’m going to school for a job where nothing is guaranteed in the field I’m studying. Jobs are more so on a job to job basis and steady jobs are few and far between. My parents have been supportive of me up to this point but I don’t think they fully understand that job to job opportunities are how the field is. I understand this and am willing to take a risk, but I don’t think they are as confident. I’m going into my senior year. I’ve had zero internships or barely any jobs related to this (freelance stuff once or twice a year). I’m focusing on my own things, but no money is being made now. Part of this is on me for not giving 110% (writing letters to alumni, friending people on LinkedIn) and only applying via websites. I’ve asked professors for opportunities and all of their options rejected me.
As well, I quit my day job. I thought about accepting an unpaid gig, but it would have been a two hour commute one way. I told the day job I accepted the position. The window is still open for me to do it, but it would require me to move somewhere for the summer where the only free housing would be a two hour commute. As I’ve stated before, I’m working on my own things. I am in 90% control of the outcome of one and 60% of the other. Both could help me a lot if they turn out successful. I’m working on finding another wage slave job at the moment too, but all interviews have seemed unfruitful. Maybe it’s bad interviewing on my end? I seem confident when I interview, so maybe it’s because I’m a student? Even if I find a job, it would be less time spent on my personal projects.
Speaking of which, I try to do things for fun. I don’t really socialize too much with people. Most of the people I like have left the area for summer. The people where I grew up and I have grown in different ways (for the most part) and I don’t enjoy being with them too much anymore. It is a once in a blue moon thing. Where I live now, I have acquaintances but rarely hang out. Part of this lack of socialization stems from being a weird kid and also thinking everyone is judging me. I tend to zone out a lot so I maybe staring off at nothing and then realize I’m staring at someone. Trying to make conversation is weird because I don’t know what to talk about other than projects/work/school. I don’t like hearing about drama unless it affects what I’m doing. I don’t have anything going on in my life that’s worth more than a few sentences, so I have nothing to talk about. Even though, again, I’m not social, there still is a part of me that wishes I was doing these things with someone.
My free time is spent going on drives to nowhere (unfortunately my favorite leisure activity) which kills mileage on my car and eats up gas. The person I used to go on random adventures with is a year or two older and I think he’s reached the point where he can no longer do these things. I will be at that point soon because I will have student loans to pay off.
Even having a love life is hard because what I go to school for, personal and work lives are mixed. Acting on these feelings can lead to awkward work relationships and missed opportunities. You have to think about the long game.
Anyway, this has been on my mind for sometime and would love advice as to what I should do?

TW: PHYSICAL VIOLENCE
I had been abused since I was 8. I had many moments, years even, in my life that were good very good and many that were bad. I survived it all and I’m still suffering. I officially got away from the abuse at 22 years old and then my life went to shit. It was 2020 I had been living the best life I could. I transferred from community college to a university, made friends, made plans to move out, stable job, and I was hopeful. One summer day I went over to my dads brother’s house. My grown adult cousin pissed me off I said stfu he then went downstairs and started cry. He called his mom and told her she started pacing then took my mom outside. They both came back to get me I was then confronted. It was ridiculous and as i was trying to leaving my aunt grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me while pushing me to the wall. I started to push her off and that’s when she began to hit me and i hit back. I already had ptsd from my parents fighting me growing up. My mom jumped in the middle and I hit her until she gave up and let me go. She got pulled into the house my mom followed and I walked down the long gravel driveway. Half way down I hear ‘hey!’ I turn my head and see my dad running at me full force. He jumps on top of me and begins to punch me and hold me down. Trying to “restrain” me as he says but he won’t stop. I thought he was trying to kill me this time. I manage to break loose and ran towards the garage to hide and think even for a micro second. I lock him out and was planning a way out. All of a sudden him and my uncle come storming in I run to the door but they took me down. Again I am being punched, held down, choked. As I was being choked by uncle he says “this would be way worse if you weren’t a girl”. I get my leg out from under both of them and kick him in the face, get my other leg out, and run. Running down the long gravel driveway they jump me again. I again get out and start throwing rocks at them while digging through my purse to get my keys. I began to punch my dad with my keys in-between my fingers and he backs off. by this time my uncle on the phone with police yelling “she has a knife”. I run towards my car and as I’m trying to leave my dad takes one last lunge at me I pick up my metal water bottle and slam it to the back of his head. I speed to my parents house crying and hurt. I get there and destroy everything I could outside since my brother locked me out. The rest of the night doesn’t matter. Months later my car was t-boned and I got arrested for a warrant for felony domestic violence. I went to jail my father bailed me out just to use it against me. I see my car in their driveway and leave. My dad got me a lawyer so he could be the main line of connection. I go to me hearing and my case ended up going to trial in between then I was ordered to attend court mandated anger management classes. Found out my family was writing letters to the judges urging for me to be locked up. I still had my apartment but lost everything else. In between loosing everything I was tried and during the heart to heart with my lawyer right before I explained how I didn’t want this to affect my career of helping abuse survivors. While sitting outside the courtroom doors my uncle ran up to me saying he was going to fix everything as I was being shuffled threw the doorway. During the trial my lawyer paused and went up to the judge I think he told him about the volunteer work I did. I was let of with the highest misdemeanor you could have and a year of probation. It’s been four years almost and I have been miserable everyday. I’m making strides though. I just needed to type this out and get it off my chest. I will never be abused again.

Long story short, my (26) nfather (54) cheated on my emother (54) with someone my age, kicked us out of the house, sold it, basically killed our elderly cat with the stress of sudden moving, and then moved away by himself. He also refuses to divorce my mom & tries to tell her that leaving him will just make things worse for her, and that he’ll support her if she stays (total bullshit obviously).
My mom won’t divorce him. She claims it’s money stopping her, but I’ve thrust tons of legal aid services and pro bono lawyers her way, her friends and family have offered financial support, but she just won’t do it. She also thinks she’s incapable of getting anything better than a minimum wage job, and spends all her money on Hallmark/QVC shit. It’s been 2 years now since they separated. She still talks to him daily. Her therapist straight up told her that he’s a narcissist and needs to run, and I finally revealed to her just how badly my dad abused me (including sexually, which she blew off), but that hasn’t hastened her resolve. She’s just totally convinced that there is nothing she can do to help herself.
I cut my father off as soon as he moved out two years ago; I’m honestly reaching the point where I want to do the same to my mom. I’m trying my best to be patient because she is a recovering victim herself and is overall a nice person, but she is still enabling him. Her whole life revolves around him still, so in a sense I never escaped the abuse. I had this fantasy that she’ll leave him forever, heal, and I can finally have a loving healthy relationship with a parent. But I’m losing hope that it will ever happen. I’m so sick of re-living trauma and being surrounded by miserable people who won’t help themselves. I tried cutting her off once before but she sent me a long letter begging me to stay in her life.
(To make matters worse, her best friend told us once that my mother’s greatest fear was having her children stop talking to her. So that makes me feel guilty as fuck. I feel like I’ll kill her if I stop talking to her.)

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS NUMEROLOGY DECODE

Since we all know exactly who and what Spongebob is, I am going to do a Numerology decode.
When it comes to Numerology, there are many different things you can look into. I am going to look into the letters, patterns, and Numerology personality numbers.
SPONGEBOB has a personality #6. 6 is the number of compassion, work ethic, criticism, cleanliness, and productivity. In the funny show, we see that Spongebob is a workaholic. He has a 5 destiny number which shapes who you are overall. 5 is connected to youthfulness which explains the silliness of the Spongebob character. He is always laughing and doing things funny. The 5 energy indicates this. 5 also points to people, places, and things that are unique. He has an 8 soul urge which explains his undying ambition and creativity.
We can see that SPONGEBOB has 2 O's which has the numeric energy of 15 and numeric value of 6. 15 is the creative use of energy for productivity. Again, 6 is the number of routine, work ethic and productivity goes with this. This energy is not only his personality number, but also it is within his name. It's really in him.
SPONGEBOB HAS DOUBLE NUMERIC VALUES IN HIS NAME WHICH ARE, 7,6,5, AND 2. This explains why he is able to show his emotions and have moments of sensitivity(2). Very compassionate(2) but also childish and silly(5) and able to come up with plans that work(7). Since these #s has double influence, we must considered what they equal. 7 twice equals 14/5 which shows how he is responsible and can make work fun even though it is a duty(6). 6 twice equals 12/3 which shows his social skills, life, and creativity. Another youthful energy as well. 5 twice equals 10/1 which points to his bravery and capability to take action. 2 twice equals 4 which is home,family,responsibility, and structure on the home front and he would make everyone feel comfortable for the most part.
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Our child support paperwork from the court (TN) states that both parents have an agreement to pay outside of court, yet the state CS division keeps hounding me and says I’m order to pay them instead. I keep all of my records and I’ve just ignored them until this last letter that said no credit will be given for any payments made by me and will be considered as a “gift” and I could be facing imprisonment if I don’t pay them. I’m thinking I should get a lawyer and maybe even attempt to sue the CS division for harassment and emotional distress.