What do the different colored golf flags mean
Volkswagen GTI
2012.04.27 20:56 iPodAddict181 Volkswagen GTI
GolfGTI is a place for enthusiasts to discuss, ask questions, and share information about the best car that can be had for less than $40K. We entertain beauty shots and thrive on discussing mods whether they're cosmetic, functional, or both. We welcome discussion of all things about the VW GTI as well as other VW hot hatchbacks. GolfGTI is best viewed with dark/night mode.
2008.08.26 23:08 Zen Habits
Welcome to Zen Habits. Here we encourage simple and practical wisdom on relaxation, meditation, and serenity. This is a place to discuss your stories, techniques, share insights and habits that you use in the pursuit of peace and contentment.
2012.08.07 04:03 Tech Support MacGyver
Instances of crazy fixes that actually ended up working. Or not working, I'm a description, not the cops.
2024.05.14 11:59 PaulOnra Lights for DJ Streams
Hey everyone,
I‘m looking to get into creating some content around my DJ brand and some presence online in the form of streams and YouTube videos. I want to add some basic lighting and maybe one FX light (is that what you call it?) to my setup. You can check out my current setup in the picture. I can’t move to a different place in my studio so I would like to place one light to the left of the absorber behind me and one to the right. I do not want to use any of those nanoleafs in the background on the walls. Just want to add some color and up to one effect, either a flashing light synched to my music or something else that reacts to music.
Can you guys help me out with some recommendations of colors and gear? Could also consider a Laser Cage on the left and right or something.
The shelf will be moved away.
Thank you for your help!
submitted by PaulOnra to DJs [link] [comments]
I‘m looking to get into creating some content around my DJ brand and some presence online in the form of streams and YouTube videos. I want to add some basic lighting and maybe one FX light (is that what you call it?) to my setup. You can check out my current setup in the picture. I can’t move to a different place in my studio so I would like to place one light to the left of the absorber behind me and one to the right. I do not want to use any of those nanoleafs in the background on the walls. Just want to add some color and up to one effect, either a flashing light synched to my music or something else that reacts to music.
Can you guys help me out with some recommendations of colors and gear? Could also consider a Laser Cage on the left and right or something.
The shelf will be moved away.
Thank you for your help!
2024.05.14 11:56 ParsleyMoney9883 CASPA 2024 HELP
Hey I had a few questions regarding applying to PA school through CASPA.
I want to get advice on how you guys applied to different schools with different deadlines. I have a few that have an early deadline for and I’m working on them but I don’t want to submit to all at the time ( which I believe we can do), but I read online that once you submit your transcripts CASPA locks them in, so I wouldn’t be able to go back and send them a transcript of a course that I have in process. Can someone please clarify this and what things will be locked in vs not when applying to different programs at different times
Also, some schools require 2-3000 hours of PCE but say “ required by August 1 of the year of matriculation” for ex. Which means I would have till next year to have these hours. My question is when and how do we include these “ future” hours in CASPA.
Thanks guys
submitted by ParsleyMoney9883 to prephysicianassistant [link] [comments]
I want to get advice on how you guys applied to different schools with different deadlines. I have a few that have an early deadline for and I’m working on them but I don’t want to submit to all at the time ( which I believe we can do), but I read online that once you submit your transcripts CASPA locks them in, so I wouldn’t be able to go back and send them a transcript of a course that I have in process. Can someone please clarify this and what things will be locked in vs not when applying to different programs at different times
Also, some schools require 2-3000 hours of PCE but say “ required by August 1 of the year of matriculation” for ex. Which means I would have till next year to have these hours. My question is when and how do we include these “ future” hours in CASPA.
Thanks guys
2024.05.14 11:55 Anund What is your journeyman story?
I've been playing my first journeyman save in FM. Normally I pick a team and manage them to greatness, or, you know... give up and start a new save.
This year I wanted to try something new and it's been great! I started as a sunday league footballer with the most basic licence to be a manager and jumped into the job market.
First job was Dalkurd from a neighbouring city in Sweden. They were in the third tier of Swedish football, and I took them over as they hovered on the brink of relegation. First seson I stable the ship and get them to a top half finish. Second season we get promoted to the second tier.
First season in the second tier, after some good recruitment, and we're fighting for promotion. Last match of the year we need to win to secure promotion. We lose... but so do the second place team. Off to the top division we go.
During this entire time though, the board has adamantly refused to give me any new coaching badges. We're maintaining a decent position in the top division, but half way through the season it comes to a point, and I threaten to resign unless they can grant me funding to improve my coaching badges. It ends with me resigning and looking for a new job.
It takes a couple of weeks, but in July 2026, IL Hödd in the Norwegian third tier offer me a position. They have a lot more money than Dalkurd did, I'm guessing it's all down to the oil.
IL Hödd is in a decent league position, I think their old manager left them rather than them firing him. I spend a bit of their money and get them. I manage to win the third tier with them and get promoted in 2027.
I sign some good players in the winter transfer window and decide that maybe this will be a long term project. They've also granted me a few coaching licenses so all is going well. Then, in the summer of 2028, Bristol City wants an interview.
Now, I've been trying to make "realistic" decisions so far, and Bristol City are offering a lot of money. Also, they are in the Championship so it's a big step up, and will let me get a foot in the English league. With a heavy heart, I accept.
The Bristol City squad is full of old players with an attitude, and it's a bit of a fight to get them out of the club to free up wages and money for a transfer budget, but in the end I win and start the rejuvenation process. The marquee signing though, is a loan of Lucas Bergvall from Manchester United.
I break the transfer spend record in my first summer transfer window, €14.5 million spent, but I get some quality players in who are in their early to mid 20's in, with potential to improve.
The club situation is helped in part by a decent FA cup run where we end up beating Everton away 1 - 0, and in January the transfer total is up to 21 million euros. It pays off though, and Bristol City secures a top spot promotion to the Premier League, led by player of the year Bergvall, goalkeeper of the year Alex Palmer, and manager of the year, yours truly.
The Premier League, 2029/2030, the hallowed lands. I strengthen the squad buying Alfie Dorrington, a promising english centerback from Tottenham for four million. I secure Bergvall on a permanent deal and pick up a French wonderkid midfielder called Emmanuel Lebreton for a total of €60 million euros, an insane amount of money compared to my previous transfer windows. The both end up carrying the team for me, well worth it.
The Premier league is a different beast. We struggle a lot this season, sometimes it looks like maybe we'll get relegated but finally we end up in a solid mid table finish after some tinkering with new tactics. The high point of the season though, is the Carabou Cup which we manage to win, in part thanks to some timely wins, along with a lucky draw. This means we qualify for our first european adventure.
2030/2031 - Europe
At the start of this season I find the three best players I have found so far in the save: It's Angel Cañedo and Nicolas Duboc. Together they form a fearsome partnership with Angel on the wing providing assists to Duboc who can't stop banging the goals in.
It's another rough season in the premier league, but we're never in the relegation fight. We're solidly upper mid table at this point. The Conference League goes amazingly and we end up winning the whole thing without any real issues, beating Roma 8 - 2 on aggregate in the semis, and Real Hispalis 4 -1 in the final.
2031/2032 - Europa league
This is the season where the plan is to push for champions league. The squad is ready, and the youngsters have become more mature. A few signings bolster the holes in the squad, but then, right at the end of the transfer window, Bayern swoops in an pays the release clause for Angel Cañedo. 109 million euros. It's a bit of a blow, and I can't find a good enough replacement before the transfer window ends.
The season does go better though, we're starting to make a claim to the top four spots, and the Europa League is going well. Then Atletico Madrid fires their manager and asks if I want to take over.
I've built something special with Bristol City, and honestly, both the money and the players I have are way beyond what Atletico can offer. But it's a big club and a tempting offer, and a chance to rebuild something of a sleeping giant.
With a heavy heart, I resign at Bristol City, wish them all the best, and join Atletico Madrid.
2031/2031 The Atletico Madrid retirement home.
Holy shit, what have they been up to? The star of the show is 32 year old Fèlix, the rest are around the same age. Chilwell and Jurien Timber are good, but getting up there in age. They have two decent young players, and a minimal transfer budget to start the cleanup operation.
The new manager bounce is real, and I get them from 12th to 4th in relative short order. Barcelona seem untouchable, as well as Real Madrid, but the reason of the league is there for the taking.
They are in the champions league as well, and it goes alright and we qualify from the group in spite of a few losses from before I took over.
But then things fall apart. We lose at home to Benfica, 0-3 in the first knockout leg. We lose five games straight in the league. I try different tactics but nothing works and it's starting to look bleak. Then finally I stumble on a recipe that works and manage to claw my way back to the Champions League spots just in time for the season to end.
Now it's the first summer transfer window after I took over, and I am looking forward to rejuvenate the squad and see how long it will take until I can challenge Barcelona and Real Madrid for the title.
submitted by Anund to footballmanagergames [link] [comments]
This year I wanted to try something new and it's been great! I started as a sunday league footballer with the most basic licence to be a manager and jumped into the job market.
First job was Dalkurd from a neighbouring city in Sweden. They were in the third tier of Swedish football, and I took them over as they hovered on the brink of relegation. First seson I stable the ship and get them to a top half finish. Second season we get promoted to the second tier.
First season in the second tier, after some good recruitment, and we're fighting for promotion. Last match of the year we need to win to secure promotion. We lose... but so do the second place team. Off to the top division we go.
During this entire time though, the board has adamantly refused to give me any new coaching badges. We're maintaining a decent position in the top division, but half way through the season it comes to a point, and I threaten to resign unless they can grant me funding to improve my coaching badges. It ends with me resigning and looking for a new job.
It takes a couple of weeks, but in July 2026, IL Hödd in the Norwegian third tier offer me a position. They have a lot more money than Dalkurd did, I'm guessing it's all down to the oil.
IL Hödd is in a decent league position, I think their old manager left them rather than them firing him. I spend a bit of their money and get them. I manage to win the third tier with them and get promoted in 2027.
I sign some good players in the winter transfer window and decide that maybe this will be a long term project. They've also granted me a few coaching licenses so all is going well. Then, in the summer of 2028, Bristol City wants an interview.
Now, I've been trying to make "realistic" decisions so far, and Bristol City are offering a lot of money. Also, they are in the Championship so it's a big step up, and will let me get a foot in the English league. With a heavy heart, I accept.
The Bristol City squad is full of old players with an attitude, and it's a bit of a fight to get them out of the club to free up wages and money for a transfer budget, but in the end I win and start the rejuvenation process. The marquee signing though, is a loan of Lucas Bergvall from Manchester United.
I break the transfer spend record in my first summer transfer window, €14.5 million spent, but I get some quality players in who are in their early to mid 20's in, with potential to improve.
The club situation is helped in part by a decent FA cup run where we end up beating Everton away 1 - 0, and in January the transfer total is up to 21 million euros. It pays off though, and Bristol City secures a top spot promotion to the Premier League, led by player of the year Bergvall, goalkeeper of the year Alex Palmer, and manager of the year, yours truly.
The Premier League, 2029/2030, the hallowed lands. I strengthen the squad buying Alfie Dorrington, a promising english centerback from Tottenham for four million. I secure Bergvall on a permanent deal and pick up a French wonderkid midfielder called Emmanuel Lebreton for a total of €60 million euros, an insane amount of money compared to my previous transfer windows. The both end up carrying the team for me, well worth it.
The Premier league is a different beast. We struggle a lot this season, sometimes it looks like maybe we'll get relegated but finally we end up in a solid mid table finish after some tinkering with new tactics. The high point of the season though, is the Carabou Cup which we manage to win, in part thanks to some timely wins, along with a lucky draw. This means we qualify for our first european adventure.
2030/2031 - Europe
At the start of this season I find the three best players I have found so far in the save: It's Angel Cañedo and Nicolas Duboc. Together they form a fearsome partnership with Angel on the wing providing assists to Duboc who can't stop banging the goals in.
It's another rough season in the premier league, but we're never in the relegation fight. We're solidly upper mid table at this point. The Conference League goes amazingly and we end up winning the whole thing without any real issues, beating Roma 8 - 2 on aggregate in the semis, and Real Hispalis 4 -1 in the final.
2031/2032 - Europa league
This is the season where the plan is to push for champions league. The squad is ready, and the youngsters have become more mature. A few signings bolster the holes in the squad, but then, right at the end of the transfer window, Bayern swoops in an pays the release clause for Angel Cañedo. 109 million euros. It's a bit of a blow, and I can't find a good enough replacement before the transfer window ends.
The season does go better though, we're starting to make a claim to the top four spots, and the Europa League is going well. Then Atletico Madrid fires their manager and asks if I want to take over.
I've built something special with Bristol City, and honestly, both the money and the players I have are way beyond what Atletico can offer. But it's a big club and a tempting offer, and a chance to rebuild something of a sleeping giant.
With a heavy heart, I resign at Bristol City, wish them all the best, and join Atletico Madrid.
2031/2031 The Atletico Madrid retirement home.
Holy shit, what have they been up to? The star of the show is 32 year old Fèlix, the rest are around the same age. Chilwell and Jurien Timber are good, but getting up there in age. They have two decent young players, and a minimal transfer budget to start the cleanup operation.
The new manager bounce is real, and I get them from 12th to 4th in relative short order. Barcelona seem untouchable, as well as Real Madrid, but the reason of the league is there for the taking.
They are in the champions league as well, and it goes alright and we qualify from the group in spite of a few losses from before I took over.
But then things fall apart. We lose at home to Benfica, 0-3 in the first knockout leg. We lose five games straight in the league. I try different tactics but nothing works and it's starting to look bleak. Then finally I stumble on a recipe that works and manage to claw my way back to the Champions League spots just in time for the season to end.
Now it's the first summer transfer window after I took over, and I am looking forward to rejuvenate the squad and see how long it will take until I can challenge Barcelona and Real Madrid for the title.
2024.05.14 11:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.14 11:52 MirkWorks Notes on Recent Episode I
Here. And I’d like to start by noticing that Steve Sailer is obviously Delicious Taco’s dad. Having said this.
Good episode. Lots of engagement which I suppose is a net positive for all involved. Obviously a lot of the injury stems from a distortion. The episode’s content fantasized and in fantasy warped into something constituting a threat (no, an outright assault) to the listener’s person. One can simply listen to the episode and see that some (in fact the bulk) of the negative responses are from people reacting to some spectral absent-presence rather than to the people actually saying over the course of the 2 hour long episode and to what was being discussed. The voices and the discourse have instead been shaped into sonic receptacle containing the reflection of something wildly ugly. Injuriously ugly.
Past few days have been brutal. Found myself doom-viewing the main sub, should know better at this age. Feels like I’ve been transmogrified into an absurd and wretched thing. Must've transgressed against a gnome or something. Fascinating to think about.
I would like nothing more than to shame you.
Miami Summer is a killer. Urine is blood-orange. My mother deserves better sons.
Why would A&D do this?
Witnessing the rankest comments. In bygone age I’d found them tolerable. Having imagined them delivered by high society homosexual. A damned dandy; chubby, sinister, and flamboyant. Capri on a stick limply held between index and middle fingers, twirling wrist ash’ing on expensive Persian rug. The blurry ghosts of his mother and the kid brother who drowned in the pond all those years ago glaring at him from far-off corner. Clearing throat he launches into sing-song slander head peeling back cackling at his own wickedness. Vile and venomous but charming. Instead what we get is 30+ year old mentally-ill men. Men whose Twitter activity has atrophied their cock and balls. Genitals withering away like the Worker's State, in its place a gasping cloaca, worry not I can clock em from miles away. The odious cloaca-havers are soon joined by ruined drug-addled children and the other women. They talk about A&D in disgusting ways. This is unfair and nasty. I confess to being angry. Sweating blood-specked kerosene. Let the scent fill up the empty air between us. My rage singing those overgrown nose hairs.
Of the two I think Anna is the one that inspires the harshest parasocial spite. So much so that I’d recommend she take some protective measures against evil eye and tongue. Maybe take baths with hyssop herb, rose water perfume, and holy water.
It’s as if Anna Khachiyan is a Giant Floating Vagina with teeth and a noticeable overbite. Viewed from another angle it transforms into a Madonna encircled by cherubim. Perhaps we are cruel to Anna in order to be kind to our mothers.
All very pre-Oedipal.
Had to step back and parse it out. Anna draws a comparison between herself and Sailer while also asking him a great question,
07:12-07:49
Anna: “I started reading it during the pandemic because it was the pandemic. I was pregnant and bored and I really relate to you as a person who everyone thinks is like evil and monstrous on the internet, but is actually like quite agreeable and mild mannered in real life. And I was going to ask you this question last, but I may as well just ask it now. How do you feel about your new found popularity? And especially, how do you feel about the fact that you have been effectively adopted by or identified with the hard right?”
The first part of the above extract, the sympathetic recognition, brings to mind a bit of 20th century Hermetic theory concerning harmful thought-forms. Our unconscious self-destructive impulses animating the fantasy-phantasm of the other. Inhabiting their shape. Gaining a degree of autonomy. This artificial entity is vampiric by default, provoking what the Czech magician Franz Bardon calls a "magical persecutory complex"... He goes into detail about such entities in Step VI of his seminal work, Initiation into Hermetics. Describing different types of artificial elementals and phantasms along with details on how to consciously go about creating and dissipating them. One of those artificial psychic entities, the one that concerns us, he calls the schemata. Bardon details two variants, one connected with paranoid persecutory fantasies and the other with erotic obsession. The first type comes about when someone who is “easily excitable, easily influenced or self-important” (Narcissist?) has a run in with another person who has, to put it mildly, a memorable visage and dark personality. The schemata is born from the phantasm modeled after this demonic-looking disagreeable person. The victim begins to attribute all kinds of minor inconveniences to the influence of the ugly person. Deludes themselves into thinking that the ugly/disagreeable person is a powerful black magician. Everything appears to reinforce their paranoid delusions. The schema grows in power feeding off the anxieties of their creatohost. The person might end up committing suicide. This was the persecutory schemas desire, having achieved its goal Bardon notes, “how great is the shock when such a spirit realizes on the mental plane that he has committed a very successful magical suicide. What a bitter disappointment! The demonic looking person, however, has no idea what happened; he was actually only the means to an end.”
God gave us eyes so that we might notice things.
The way I see it:
Being social animals the subject of our fantasy, of our fixations, is the fantasy of the other. What makes the human Human is not that we desire but rather that we desire the desire of the other. An excess desire. We fantasize about what the other is fantasizing and enjoying. Our fantasy of the fantasy of the other is the outlines a fundamental lack within our person, a negativity. Experienced as a splitting of consciousness. Intuiting this lack, becoming aware of it, and attempting to articulate it, we are self-consciousness. This negativity or void is in psychoanalytic terms, the unconscious. We likewise intuit that there had once been some original state. One without lack and contradiction. A state of fullness, without the division between self and object. A harmonious whole. A pure consciousness or as Freud refers to it in Civilization and its Discontents an oceanic feeling. The Original Desire, one that is authentically my own, which was not the desire of the other but which unites our desires in itself. This desire is the extinction of all desires.
The eye that perceives the lovely is at once the eye that perceives what I lack. Perceiving this lack, which explains my present condition, I covet. This is an evil eye. The lover’s gaze is of the same type as the infirm or pathic gaze. Reminded of Zizek’s formulation of one of Hegel’s insights, “Evil resides in the very gaze which perceives Evil all around itself" itself a variation of Meister Eckhart’s “the eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me.” The recognition of evil, the ability to see and judge evil, stems from our ability to recognize disparity. This disparity is already present within our own person, the split-consciousness. The feeling cognized, the awareness of our condition as beings separated from the whole. The clairvoyance of the tyrant and the philosopher.
Suppose that psychopathology is born from our inability to recognize an image as an image.
I intuit something more in this person, something they’re hiding. It can’t just be envy, no. It has to be because I can feel that this thing they’re hiding is sinister. It can’t just be that I feel animosity towards this person, no. It has to be because this person is evil and not just an isolated evil but rather a symptom of a much larger evil. An evil that is responsible for all the suffering in the World, for why my World isn’t the way it should be. It can’t just be attraction, no. It has to be that I intuit something more in this person, something hidden, that I must destroy in order to go on living.
If vile shit comes to mind (as vile things often do, especially when one is immersed in ambient algorithmically-summoned vileness, namely outrage and atrocity porn) they won't affirm it to themselves or try to justify or rationalize it or present it as a rational political stance. And they don’t abstract this particular form of vileness into the primary lens through which they view and interpret cultural phenomena. Unreflexive racial animosity is ugly and fetid. We’re capable of recognizing it, feeling it, as something pathological. We’re also capable of laughing at it. Laughing at ourselves. Look at what our ladies have to say about Stuart Seldowitz (the dude who went viral harassing a halal street vendor) in I’ll Be Missinger. “He sucks,” “he’s a loser,” “he’s obviously sick,” and that he gives the impression of someone who lives alone, will die alone, and will be found weeks or even months after the fact.
Perhaps Red Scare is special in how it manages to elicit absurd, wildly inappropriate responses from listeners. Vulgar and revelatory was it? Steve Sailer elicits a similar response and has become an expert in turning said absurd reactions to his advantage. Generally the cooler-head in any given exchange. While the other person shouts obscenities at a ghost, smashing fists against the post, looking crazy, like a proper hysteric. Sailer breaks the fourth-wall, making eye-contact with the would-be noticer, with a little shake of the head, a little chuckle, a little shrug… “you’re noticing right? See what I have to put up with? Imagine these people defining my legacy.” Still he seems to take it with the good humor of an uncle who will still call you on your birthday, despite your drunken outburst during holiday get-together he will admit to not having resisted the temptation to provoke you, it use to be fun, recall all the cool bands I introduced you too? We use to be best buds, “do you really think anything I’ve said merits this sort of response? Honestly?”
Has to be a cheap trick. A technique employed by an old trickster in decades long honing of craft. Maybe not. Maybe what we see is precisely what we get. Most of the very upsetting things being jokes sincerely intended to lighten the mood. Steve Sailer doesn’t care about the particular political orientation of his audience. He just cares that he has an audience. Grateful for the fans he has. Nonetheless happy that they’re not seething malcontent racists. Even if one disagrees with the methodology, the heuristic, the conclusions. That’s secondary, perhaps even tertiary to the recognition sought. His craftsmanship as a writer.
Why I loved his conflict with Will Stancil. Stancil inspired a lot of pondering for me. Putting things in place…
01:29:22-01:29:28
Anna: “You come for the race science and stay for the prose-styling and vivid story-telling.”
In trying to survive as a writer exiled from Mainstream Conservative media (ConInc) during the Bush Jr years. In fact, correct me if I’m wrong but the cancelation that actually impacted Steve Sailer, setting him down the path we find him in, was brought about not by blue-haired hall monitor millennial leftists but by his “fellow” Conservatives. I imagine that he just went with whoever was willing to take him adapting to the editorial standards and audience sensibilities of the publications willing to provide him succor. Not charity mind you but an ability to engage in his own little labor of love.
Read some Sailer. Might get into that later. But that’s the initial impression I got from Steve. Would be utterly mortified if memorialized as a Racialist Ideologue rather than as an entertaining and thought-provoking journalist. Think I also benefited from seeing how he’s actually received by people who are navigating through (or in certain cases, are mired in) the marginal “Hard Right”-spaces or the Rightwing Digital Ghetto. End up realizing that he isn’t hateful, that what you see is precisely what you get, that he privileges craft over ideology, that his reception and exile from Neocon dominated media outlets (remember these are the people gushing ecstatic over the US invasion of Iraq, manufacturing consent for our adventures in the Middle East) was exceedingly unfair but that he nonetheless managed to persevere. And that he really never goes beyond Norm McDonald in terms of his sardonic wit or The Boondocks animated series in terms of his criticisms. His normality is a great source of stability and comfort for his readers; “noticing” and speculating about these topics doesn’t necessarily lead to one becoming a seething racist.
Returning for a moment to Will Stancil, this was what he inspired:
As the last man standing I spend countless hours immersed in detailed fantasies about the coming apocalypse and my enemy's bliss. A dumb and wicked happiness proportional to my suffering. Easy to imagine other people happy. Hearts unbroken. Unburdened, hydrated, sexually satisfied, debt-free, lucky, successful in all business endeavors. Brute, jezebel, schemer, parasite, rival, betrayer... the whole lot of them thriving. Frolicking in my mind's eye. When the time comes I won't forget that they were happy while...others...suffered.
Find that trying to void your mind of all thought or sit perfectly still for 10 minutes. End up feeling like something requires much less energy from us than nothing. Causes coalescing. Conspiring, to what ends?
You see. The very same principle appears to be at work here. Same pathological base that undergirds genuine racial or ethnic animosity. Fantasizing about the other’s enjoyment and being unable to distinguish between the persecutory Phantasm and the actual human being whose shape it appropriates.
Had a friend recommend forgetting. Forgetting is a dialectical exercise, first you have to acknowledge the thing living rent free in your head and acknowledge its origins... then you have to take the steps to stop feeding it. Letting the thought-form dissolve. Let it be put to rest. Reminded of the practice Orthodox Christian contemplatives call Nepsis.
Other approaches as well, acknowledging the presence of anima veiled in shadow.
But listen…
The podcasts I consume, are a reflection of me as a person. Being what I associate and consume. What does it say about me in particular? Reveal about me? That they should have Steve Sailer on the pod. Settling down. Perhaps some responses could be understood in this light. That a Sailer episode reflects poorly on the listener. Constituting a great betrayal of the love and energy and time I have dedicated over the years to you.
I’m not a racist.
Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are. The most punitive and brutal god. The idea of the AI nu-god being this, utilizing that standard, is horrifying. Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are, everything you are, and whether or not you qualify to live.
Shamed, I quietly remove the upvote I gave to the hysterical person and the downvote I gave to him.
Hysteria like a yawn is an empathic contagion.
Back to Anna it’s not because she’s ugly and it sucks that she might nurse this delusion. I actually think Anna is really pretty. Rather I think it’s because she’s a mom. She registers as a maternal figure. That’s one of the reasons I think people respond to her the way they do. As stated earlier. We are cruel to Anna in order to forgive our moms.
[To be continued: Wherein I say horrible things that should never be said to the people I claim to love. Will also interrogate Sailor Socialism]
submitted by MirkWorks to u/MirkWorks [link] [comments]
Good episode. Lots of engagement which I suppose is a net positive for all involved. Obviously a lot of the injury stems from a distortion. The episode’s content fantasized and in fantasy warped into something constituting a threat (no, an outright assault) to the listener’s person. One can simply listen to the episode and see that some (in fact the bulk) of the negative responses are from people reacting to some spectral absent-presence rather than to the people actually saying over the course of the 2 hour long episode and to what was being discussed. The voices and the discourse have instead been shaped into sonic receptacle containing the reflection of something wildly ugly. Injuriously ugly.
Past few days have been brutal. Found myself doom-viewing the main sub, should know better at this age. Feels like I’ve been transmogrified into an absurd and wretched thing. Must've transgressed against a gnome or something. Fascinating to think about.
I would like nothing more than to shame you.
Miami Summer is a killer. Urine is blood-orange. My mother deserves better sons.
Why would A&D do this?
Witnessing the rankest comments. In bygone age I’d found them tolerable. Having imagined them delivered by high society homosexual. A damned dandy; chubby, sinister, and flamboyant. Capri on a stick limply held between index and middle fingers, twirling wrist ash’ing on expensive Persian rug. The blurry ghosts of his mother and the kid brother who drowned in the pond all those years ago glaring at him from far-off corner. Clearing throat he launches into sing-song slander head peeling back cackling at his own wickedness. Vile and venomous but charming. Instead what we get is 30+ year old mentally-ill men. Men whose Twitter activity has atrophied their cock and balls. Genitals withering away like the Worker's State, in its place a gasping cloaca, worry not I can clock em from miles away. The odious cloaca-havers are soon joined by ruined drug-addled children and the other women. They talk about A&D in disgusting ways. This is unfair and nasty. I confess to being angry. Sweating blood-specked kerosene. Let the scent fill up the empty air between us. My rage singing those overgrown nose hairs.
Of the two I think Anna is the one that inspires the harshest parasocial spite. So much so that I’d recommend she take some protective measures against evil eye and tongue. Maybe take baths with hyssop herb, rose water perfume, and holy water.
It’s as if Anna Khachiyan is a Giant Floating Vagina with teeth and a noticeable overbite. Viewed from another angle it transforms into a Madonna encircled by cherubim. Perhaps we are cruel to Anna in order to be kind to our mothers.
All very pre-Oedipal.
Had to step back and parse it out. Anna draws a comparison between herself and Sailer while also asking him a great question,
07:12-07:49
Anna: “I started reading it during the pandemic because it was the pandemic. I was pregnant and bored and I really relate to you as a person who everyone thinks is like evil and monstrous on the internet, but is actually like quite agreeable and mild mannered in real life. And I was going to ask you this question last, but I may as well just ask it now. How do you feel about your new found popularity? And especially, how do you feel about the fact that you have been effectively adopted by or identified with the hard right?”
The first part of the above extract, the sympathetic recognition, brings to mind a bit of 20th century Hermetic theory concerning harmful thought-forms. Our unconscious self-destructive impulses animating the fantasy-phantasm of the other. Inhabiting their shape. Gaining a degree of autonomy. This artificial entity is vampiric by default, provoking what the Czech magician Franz Bardon calls a "magical persecutory complex"... He goes into detail about such entities in Step VI of his seminal work, Initiation into Hermetics. Describing different types of artificial elementals and phantasms along with details on how to consciously go about creating and dissipating them. One of those artificial psychic entities, the one that concerns us, he calls the schemata. Bardon details two variants, one connected with paranoid persecutory fantasies and the other with erotic obsession. The first type comes about when someone who is “easily excitable, easily influenced or self-important” (Narcissist?) has a run in with another person who has, to put it mildly, a memorable visage and dark personality. The schemata is born from the phantasm modeled after this demonic-looking disagreeable person. The victim begins to attribute all kinds of minor inconveniences to the influence of the ugly person. Deludes themselves into thinking that the ugly/disagreeable person is a powerful black magician. Everything appears to reinforce their paranoid delusions. The schema grows in power feeding off the anxieties of their creatohost. The person might end up committing suicide. This was the persecutory schemas desire, having achieved its goal Bardon notes, “how great is the shock when such a spirit realizes on the mental plane that he has committed a very successful magical suicide. What a bitter disappointment! The demonic looking person, however, has no idea what happened; he was actually only the means to an end.”
God gave us eyes so that we might notice things.
The way I see it:
Being social animals the subject of our fantasy, of our fixations, is the fantasy of the other. What makes the human Human is not that we desire but rather that we desire the desire of the other. An excess desire. We fantasize about what the other is fantasizing and enjoying. Our fantasy of the fantasy of the other is the outlines a fundamental lack within our person, a negativity. Experienced as a splitting of consciousness. Intuiting this lack, becoming aware of it, and attempting to articulate it, we are self-consciousness. This negativity or void is in psychoanalytic terms, the unconscious. We likewise intuit that there had once been some original state. One without lack and contradiction. A state of fullness, without the division between self and object. A harmonious whole. A pure consciousness or as Freud refers to it in Civilization and its Discontents an oceanic feeling. The Original Desire, one that is authentically my own, which was not the desire of the other but which unites our desires in itself. This desire is the extinction of all desires.
The eye that perceives the lovely is at once the eye that perceives what I lack. Perceiving this lack, which explains my present condition, I covet. This is an evil eye. The lover’s gaze is of the same type as the infirm or pathic gaze. Reminded of Zizek’s formulation of one of Hegel’s insights, “Evil resides in the very gaze which perceives Evil all around itself" itself a variation of Meister Eckhart’s “the eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me.” The recognition of evil, the ability to see and judge evil, stems from our ability to recognize disparity. This disparity is already present within our own person, the split-consciousness. The feeling cognized, the awareness of our condition as beings separated from the whole. The clairvoyance of the tyrant and the philosopher.
Suppose that psychopathology is born from our inability to recognize an image as an image.
I intuit something more in this person, something they’re hiding. It can’t just be envy, no. It has to be because I can feel that this thing they’re hiding is sinister. It can’t just be that I feel animosity towards this person, no. It has to be because this person is evil and not just an isolated evil but rather a symptom of a much larger evil. An evil that is responsible for all the suffering in the World, for why my World isn’t the way it should be. It can’t just be attraction, no. It has to be that I intuit something more in this person, something hidden, that I must destroy in order to go on living.
If vile shit comes to mind (as vile things often do, especially when one is immersed in ambient algorithmically-summoned vileness, namely outrage and atrocity porn) they won't affirm it to themselves or try to justify or rationalize it or present it as a rational political stance. And they don’t abstract this particular form of vileness into the primary lens through which they view and interpret cultural phenomena. Unreflexive racial animosity is ugly and fetid. We’re capable of recognizing it, feeling it, as something pathological. We’re also capable of laughing at it. Laughing at ourselves. Look at what our ladies have to say about Stuart Seldowitz (the dude who went viral harassing a halal street vendor) in I’ll Be Missinger. “He sucks,” “he’s a loser,” “he’s obviously sick,” and that he gives the impression of someone who lives alone, will die alone, and will be found weeks or even months after the fact.
Perhaps Red Scare is special in how it manages to elicit absurd, wildly inappropriate responses from listeners. Vulgar and revelatory was it? Steve Sailer elicits a similar response and has become an expert in turning said absurd reactions to his advantage. Generally the cooler-head in any given exchange. While the other person shouts obscenities at a ghost, smashing fists against the post, looking crazy, like a proper hysteric. Sailer breaks the fourth-wall, making eye-contact with the would-be noticer, with a little shake of the head, a little chuckle, a little shrug… “you’re noticing right? See what I have to put up with? Imagine these people defining my legacy.” Still he seems to take it with the good humor of an uncle who will still call you on your birthday, despite your drunken outburst during holiday get-together he will admit to not having resisted the temptation to provoke you, it use to be fun, recall all the cool bands I introduced you too? We use to be best buds, “do you really think anything I’ve said merits this sort of response? Honestly?”
Has to be a cheap trick. A technique employed by an old trickster in decades long honing of craft. Maybe not. Maybe what we see is precisely what we get. Most of the very upsetting things being jokes sincerely intended to lighten the mood. Steve Sailer doesn’t care about the particular political orientation of his audience. He just cares that he has an audience. Grateful for the fans he has. Nonetheless happy that they’re not seething malcontent racists. Even if one disagrees with the methodology, the heuristic, the conclusions. That’s secondary, perhaps even tertiary to the recognition sought. His craftsmanship as a writer.
Why I loved his conflict with Will Stancil. Stancil inspired a lot of pondering for me. Putting things in place…
01:29:22-01:29:28
Anna: “You come for the race science and stay for the prose-styling and vivid story-telling.”
In trying to survive as a writer exiled from Mainstream Conservative media (ConInc) during the Bush Jr years. In fact, correct me if I’m wrong but the cancelation that actually impacted Steve Sailer, setting him down the path we find him in, was brought about not by blue-haired hall monitor millennial leftists but by his “fellow” Conservatives. I imagine that he just went with whoever was willing to take him adapting to the editorial standards and audience sensibilities of the publications willing to provide him succor. Not charity mind you but an ability to engage in his own little labor of love.
Read some Sailer. Might get into that later. But that’s the initial impression I got from Steve. Would be utterly mortified if memorialized as a Racialist Ideologue rather than as an entertaining and thought-provoking journalist. Think I also benefited from seeing how he’s actually received by people who are navigating through (or in certain cases, are mired in) the marginal “Hard Right”-spaces or the Rightwing Digital Ghetto. End up realizing that he isn’t hateful, that what you see is precisely what you get, that he privileges craft over ideology, that his reception and exile from Neocon dominated media outlets (remember these are the people gushing ecstatic over the US invasion of Iraq, manufacturing consent for our adventures in the Middle East) was exceedingly unfair but that he nonetheless managed to persevere. And that he really never goes beyond Norm McDonald in terms of his sardonic wit or The Boondocks animated series in terms of his criticisms. His normality is a great source of stability and comfort for his readers; “noticing” and speculating about these topics doesn’t necessarily lead to one becoming a seething racist.
Returning for a moment to Will Stancil, this was what he inspired:
As the last man standing I spend countless hours immersed in detailed fantasies about the coming apocalypse and my enemy's bliss. A dumb and wicked happiness proportional to my suffering. Easy to imagine other people happy. Hearts unbroken. Unburdened, hydrated, sexually satisfied, debt-free, lucky, successful in all business endeavors. Brute, jezebel, schemer, parasite, rival, betrayer... the whole lot of them thriving. Frolicking in my mind's eye. When the time comes I won't forget that they were happy while...others...suffered.
Find that trying to void your mind of all thought or sit perfectly still for 10 minutes. End up feeling like something requires much less energy from us than nothing. Causes coalescing. Conspiring, to what ends?
You see. The very same principle appears to be at work here. Same pathological base that undergirds genuine racial or ethnic animosity. Fantasizing about the other’s enjoyment and being unable to distinguish between the persecutory Phantasm and the actual human being whose shape it appropriates.
Had a friend recommend forgetting. Forgetting is a dialectical exercise, first you have to acknowledge the thing living rent free in your head and acknowledge its origins... then you have to take the steps to stop feeding it. Letting the thought-form dissolve. Let it be put to rest. Reminded of the practice Orthodox Christian contemplatives call Nepsis.
Other approaches as well, acknowledging the presence of anima veiled in shadow.
But listen…
The podcasts I consume, are a reflection of me as a person. Being what I associate and consume. What does it say about me in particular? Reveal about me? That they should have Steve Sailer on the pod. Settling down. Perhaps some responses could be understood in this light. That a Sailer episode reflects poorly on the listener. Constituting a great betrayal of the love and energy and time I have dedicated over the years to you.
I’m not a racist.
Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are. The most punitive and brutal god. The idea of the AI nu-god being this, utilizing that standard, is horrifying. Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are, everything you are, and whether or not you qualify to live.
Shamed, I quietly remove the upvote I gave to the hysterical person and the downvote I gave to him.
Hysteria like a yawn is an empathic contagion.
Back to Anna it’s not because she’s ugly and it sucks that she might nurse this delusion. I actually think Anna is really pretty. Rather I think it’s because she’s a mom. She registers as a maternal figure. That’s one of the reasons I think people respond to her the way they do. As stated earlier. We are cruel to Anna in order to forgive our moms.
[To be continued: Wherein I say horrible things that should never be said to the people I claim to love. Will also interrogate Sailor Socialism]
2024.05.14 11:50 Ok_End_1615 Is it really my insecurity ruining things?
So my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for about 3 months now, talking/flirting more for about 5, known each other for 7-8 years (not that well though). We live in different countries, so we’ve only seen each other a handful of times over the weekends.
The whole thing hasn’t been easy in general, but what I keep having doubts about is his friend (a woman). On one hand we’re adults and you’d expect someone this age to have these things figured out, and he claims he does, so I wasn’t jealous at all at first, but then pretty much everything he told me or did just kept making me doubt that.
Before we were really together (but flirting a lot) she apparently had some money issues he only found out about through their mutual friend and so he offered her to stay at his place. It wasn’t the first time, as it turns out, and he really went out of his way to help her even though she didn’t even tell him she needed help. He also didn’t ask my opinion about it at all, but I chalked it up to us not really being together yet, so it’s not like he had any obligation to.
But then, he didn’t even mention it when she moved in. He never talked about her being there and when I asked, he would say that “she’s not relevant to us”. He has no trouble talking about his other friends though. I got insecure at some point because of his complaints about some things about me and asked him point blank why not be with her then (because he never really said anything bad when it comes to her) - which I know is a terrible question - but his biggest reason was that she’s… too tall. He also said that they’re not that good of friends and he doesn’t really get anything out of this friendship other than feeling good about himself that he’s helping her.
He didn’t really ask her how long she would be staying at his place and I told him I wouldn’t visit when she’s there because it would be too weird (it’s just 1 bedroom + a living room, she’s sleeping on the couch there). He kept asking when I would visit anyway and I kept telling him that it would be when she moves out and to let me know when that might be. He didn’t ask her about that for a couple of months anyway, just kept pressuring me to visit anyway because she could just go somewhere else for those couple of days (it’s what she offered, as far as I understood, not that he asked her).
At some point I asked him if maybe some weekend he could stay a day longer here with me and his reply was that sure, “the only thing is that I would keep [friend] here longer then”. I got really annoyed at that but he claimed he didn’t mean the “keep” part, it’s just his “bad” English (not the first language for either of us). After that he said he asked her - but didn’t really ask about moving out, just what her plans are. She told him she was going home for a week and then would start looking for a new place, but again, no deadline or anything, he just said that hopefully she’d be gone by the end of the month.
The week she was away, things between us were really good. The day she was coming back the vibe was off, and in the evening we were supposed to have a “date”, watching the same tv series at the same time in our homes, because he was always saying how important spending time together is for him, and the week before he even said how happy he is that we are making time for each other. In between episodes I asked him if he wants to take a break to say hi since she was supposed to be back at that time, he said she already was back, I told him jokingly to stop being weird about it because I’m not going to be jealous for no reason but it’s strange when he pretends like she doesn’t exist… He said I’m right, talked to her a bit, came back. All good. But then it turned out he was with her in the living room the entire time during our “date”. He said it’s because he only had the account logged in there (borrowing someone else’s), so it makes total sense, but I told him that after all those stories about how important spending time together is for him, it’s not very nice that he was kind of actually spending time with her, not me, because she was there physically, on the same couch, and the least he could’ve done would be to tell me about it beforehand. But according to him it’s not like that and I’m misunderstanding him.
He did say several times that he’s not attracted to her and she’s just a friend, but every time I try to explain that the things he does make me think otherwise, he blames me for not trusting him. I’ve been trying to make him understand that even if there really is nothing there for him, the things he does make me think otherwise, but according to him it’s just me overthinking, he claims he never meant anything wrong, so it’s not his fault, and it’s actually me hurting him by not believing him.
At this point I honestly have no idea if I’m wrong and reading too much into his actions, and should just believe the intentions over everything else. I’ve been trying to, but every time something happens, I feel worse and worse about it, and it bothers me that he didn’t really do anything to show that what he’s saying is true. But then again, maybe I’m expecting too much? After all he’s been reassuring me that there’s nothing between them. Why does it feel though like what he’s doing doesn’t really match those words? Is it just my overthinking? I’m honestly starting to feel like I’m going crazy… If it really is just my insecurity, how do I stop those feelings?
submitted by Ok_End_1615 to self [link] [comments]
The whole thing hasn’t been easy in general, but what I keep having doubts about is his friend (a woman). On one hand we’re adults and you’d expect someone this age to have these things figured out, and he claims he does, so I wasn’t jealous at all at first, but then pretty much everything he told me or did just kept making me doubt that.
Before we were really together (but flirting a lot) she apparently had some money issues he only found out about through their mutual friend and so he offered her to stay at his place. It wasn’t the first time, as it turns out, and he really went out of his way to help her even though she didn’t even tell him she needed help. He also didn’t ask my opinion about it at all, but I chalked it up to us not really being together yet, so it’s not like he had any obligation to.
But then, he didn’t even mention it when she moved in. He never talked about her being there and when I asked, he would say that “she’s not relevant to us”. He has no trouble talking about his other friends though. I got insecure at some point because of his complaints about some things about me and asked him point blank why not be with her then (because he never really said anything bad when it comes to her) - which I know is a terrible question - but his biggest reason was that she’s… too tall. He also said that they’re not that good of friends and he doesn’t really get anything out of this friendship other than feeling good about himself that he’s helping her.
He didn’t really ask her how long she would be staying at his place and I told him I wouldn’t visit when she’s there because it would be too weird (it’s just 1 bedroom + a living room, she’s sleeping on the couch there). He kept asking when I would visit anyway and I kept telling him that it would be when she moves out and to let me know when that might be. He didn’t ask her about that for a couple of months anyway, just kept pressuring me to visit anyway because she could just go somewhere else for those couple of days (it’s what she offered, as far as I understood, not that he asked her).
At some point I asked him if maybe some weekend he could stay a day longer here with me and his reply was that sure, “the only thing is that I would keep [friend] here longer then”. I got really annoyed at that but he claimed he didn’t mean the “keep” part, it’s just his “bad” English (not the first language for either of us). After that he said he asked her - but didn’t really ask about moving out, just what her plans are. She told him she was going home for a week and then would start looking for a new place, but again, no deadline or anything, he just said that hopefully she’d be gone by the end of the month.
The week she was away, things between us were really good. The day she was coming back the vibe was off, and in the evening we were supposed to have a “date”, watching the same tv series at the same time in our homes, because he was always saying how important spending time together is for him, and the week before he even said how happy he is that we are making time for each other. In between episodes I asked him if he wants to take a break to say hi since she was supposed to be back at that time, he said she already was back, I told him jokingly to stop being weird about it because I’m not going to be jealous for no reason but it’s strange when he pretends like she doesn’t exist… He said I’m right, talked to her a bit, came back. All good. But then it turned out he was with her in the living room the entire time during our “date”. He said it’s because he only had the account logged in there (borrowing someone else’s), so it makes total sense, but I told him that after all those stories about how important spending time together is for him, it’s not very nice that he was kind of actually spending time with her, not me, because she was there physically, on the same couch, and the least he could’ve done would be to tell me about it beforehand. But according to him it’s not like that and I’m misunderstanding him.
He did say several times that he’s not attracted to her and she’s just a friend, but every time I try to explain that the things he does make me think otherwise, he blames me for not trusting him. I’ve been trying to make him understand that even if there really is nothing there for him, the things he does make me think otherwise, but according to him it’s just me overthinking, he claims he never meant anything wrong, so it’s not his fault, and it’s actually me hurting him by not believing him.
At this point I honestly have no idea if I’m wrong and reading too much into his actions, and should just believe the intentions over everything else. I’ve been trying to, but every time something happens, I feel worse and worse about it, and it bothers me that he didn’t really do anything to show that what he’s saying is true. But then again, maybe I’m expecting too much? After all he’s been reassuring me that there’s nothing between them. Why does it feel though like what he’s doing doesn’t really match those words? Is it just my overthinking? I’m honestly starting to feel like I’m going crazy… If it really is just my insecurity, how do I stop those feelings?
2024.05.14 11:48 Frog_Shaped Top Surgery Process Journal
The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳
submitted by Frog_Shaped to TopSurgery [link] [comments]
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳
2024.05.14 11:47 digital_bijoy This Mindset Shift Was Key To Finally Building Muscle And Strength
 | Women's Health submitted by digital_bijoy to GuidetoGoodHealth [link] [comments] Growing up in Puerto Rico, I was an active child and fell in love with volleyball. When I was 10, my mother and I picked up and moved to New York. While adjusting to my new home and my mom's long work hours, I had to take care of myself more. As a result, I started gaining weight. By age 21, I was dealing with lower back pain from a car accident and became pregnant with my daughter. I weighed 250 pounds, which caused sciatica pain and made carrying my pregnancy harder. At one point, it was even difficult to walk. My self-image took a hit, I was depressed, and I felt like I lost myself. My daughter inspired me to make major changes in my health and start a fitness routine.After I gave birth to my daughter, I hit a turning point.In 2018, I decided to sign up for XSport, a local gym facility, and started using YouTube to teach myself different workouts. I also worked with a personal trainer for a month to learn the basics of equipment and exercises in the gym and get a meal plan started. My mom was always big on working out, so we would go together as well. I started seeing results, but at that point, I was only focused on losing weight, not strength or building muscle. I did cardio-heavy workouts seven days a week. It was mostly the treadmill and elliptical. Promoted:- [Are You Searchig for an Easy way to lose your weight. Use Puravive the BEst Solution Ever. Click here to buy Puravive from Puravive Official Website at Discounted Rate + Get FREE Shipping + Get 2 FREE Bonuses][Read Puravive Review Here] When I saw the number on the scale continue to drop, it sparked my curiosity for the machines and weights.Luckily, my boyfriend at the time was a bodybuilder and taught me a lot. He gave me the tools I needed to build muscle and challenge myself on my own.Transitioning out of cardio-focused workouts and light weights and into a new routine was challenging. It was exciting to know that I was taking the right steps to see the results I wanted. Learning so many new things at once and then putting it into action was also intimidating. I felt overwhelmed. Between early morning gym sessions, measuring my meals, creating enough time to stretch, and hitting my water goals, it was a lot. I knew I had a foundation of fitness, but I needed to put the pieces together in a way that worked for me and for my goals. Things didn't start to click for me until waking up at 4 a.m. for cardio became second nature. Now, I approach my training like a bodybuilder and often do two workouts a day.I currently train at a bodybuilding gym (Xtreme Fitness) six days a week and do cardio about seven days a week. Generally, I do my cardio in the morning and go back to the gym in the evening to strength train. I used to have push and pull days, but now I have four leg days and one upper-body day once a week. On my rest days, I'm usually working, so it’s more of an active recovery day.Some of my go-to exercises include Bulgarian split squats, goblet squats, leg curls, and leg extensions. I try to stay away from squatting because of my sciatica. For upper body, I’ll do side and front lateral raises, lat pulldowns, and seated cable rows. I usually do four sets of 15 to 20 reps for every exercise. Each week, I’ll try to up the weights and test myself, and if I feel like I can’t hit my usual goal, then I’ll max out at 12 reps instead. I’m preparing to compete in my first bodybuilding competition later this year in the women’s wellness division, which focuses on bigger legs and glutes and a leaner upper body. I’m also in the process of becoming a certified personal trainer. Bodybuilding is less about numbers and PR’s, but a few years ago I was able to leg press 675 pounds for 12 reps. We call that “ego lifting,” because it’s not necessary. While I still lift heavy from time to time, I’d rather avoid injuring myself. For example, for leg extensions, I’ll stick to around 135 pounds for 20 reps. And for an RDL, I won’t go heavier than 115 pounds. Promoted:- [Are You Searchig for an Easy way to lose your weight. Use Puravive the BEst Solution Ever. Click here to buy Puravive from Puravive Official Website at Discounted Rate + Get FREE Shipping + Get 2 FREE Bonuses][Read Puravive Review Here] I learned what worked and what didn't trying different diets until I found a sustainable plan and started measuring out my meals.Before I started hitting the gym, I tried Herbalife and lost 25 pounds. Eventually, it got expensive, so I had to stop. I ended up gaining the weight back. Once I started training, I tried the keto diet for about five months and lost 50 pounds. With that, I hit 170 pounds.I didn't realize it at the time, but I was actually doing dirty keto, which I found out thanks to my ex-boyfriend. With his help, we restructured my meals, and I got off keto. Not long after making the switch, I had better energy levels, improved focus, and noticeable progress in the gym. Now, my new bodybuilding coach has me eat 1,400 calories a day. (Reminder: That's what works for me, but you should always work with an expert before making big calorie or diet changes.) For breakfast, I have two whole eggs with lean brown beef and some pineapple. For lunch, I’ll have grilled chicken with any green vegetable. My pre-workout is 30 grams of cashews, and my post-workout is 30 grams of cream of rice with one scoop of protein and water mixed together. For dinner, I usually eat salmon and sweet potato. I measure all my meals beforehand and drink a gallon of water a day. I had to reframe my mindset around changes in my weight to enable muscle gain.One of the biggest blocks I had to overcome was accepting that building muscle also came with gaining weight. People explained the science to me, but I still wasn't processing it. I was so focused on losing weight for so long that I found myself frustrated about working hard at the gym and not seeing more weight coming off.At the same time, I started to finally see my muscles coming through. That's when I began to understand weight in a new way. It was challenging to think of gaining weight as my new goal. I even had to give myself pep talks to help myself lean into what was needed in order to see progress. Once I let the fear go, everything started falling into place. Learning the importance of discipline made a huge difference in and out of the gym.Of all my goals, I’m most proud of my ability to stay disciplined. There are still days I wake up and don’t want to train or eat the same foods. But I feel like I’ve mastered the discipline that was needed to get me to where I’m at. I learned that motivation comes and goes—it’s not consistent. But it’s about showing up for yourself. Discipline has had a positive affect on my work life and at-home life as a mom. I can apply it to everything.I want women to know how important mindset is. You really have to think about what you're getting into before an attempt at your goal is even made. You have to be willing to dedicate the time and remind yourself that this for you and nobody else. Get comfortable being uncomfortable, and in the end, it will always be worth it. Promoted:- [Are You Searchig for an Easy way to lose your weight. Use Puravive the BEst Solution Ever. Click here to buy Puravive from Puravive Official Website at Discounted Rate + Get FREE Shipping + Get 2 FREE Bonuses][Read Puravive Review Here] |
2024.05.14 11:46 CharlieChieplin 3d printed Juggernaut
 | I airbrushed a Juggernaut for my friend. He printed this with PLA for 3 weeks straight. The stl file is designed by Wicked if someone is interested. Do any of you have experience with painting / airbrushing PLA? How to fix it when the paint sticks differently to certain objects? In my attempt the left halve of the juggernaut logo ("jugge") the print has a different direction, it even causes color difference between the left part and right part.The right part is printed in stripes, the left part is noodles. Also, I still see a lot of lines which I can't just sand down , since I am also sanding the details (damage, dents, etc.) away. The chest has a lot of layers of paint, but I get a strange golden glow from it. Looks orange from certain angles. The pla was white foe the chest part, I added white primer, then red, then shadows, then red again...still a golden glow. Kinda cool, but no idea what is causing it? I made a small vid with the paint job, hope you enjoy it, it's my first bigger project. submitted by CharlieChieplin to 3Dprinting [link] [comments] |
2024.05.14 11:44 shaneka69 LIBRA ZODIAC PREDICTIONS MAY 2024
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2024.05.14 11:42 Pussybones420 When to go to the hospital for bladder pain?
Hello
25F, 130lbs, 5’10”, no tobacco, MMJ user, hydrocodone and oxyxodone as needed, cyclobenzaprine, protonix
If you read this thank you so much because I’m absolutely desperate and my doctors are tired of me and I think they think I only want pain meds. I don’t, I just want to feel better. I have a huge stash of emergency oxycodone anyway so I barely even need them for that.
On 12/15 I fell down the stairs and hit the lower of my middle back quite hard. 12/19 I had a LEEP done, 01/06 I came down with extreme urinary issues and between then and now have been back 6 times, seen 4 specialists and have seen my PCP at least ten times for urine samples. I’ve also only been able to attend my full time job for 43 days so far this year and have no more money for copays and if it weren’t for my ADA paperwork, I’d have been fired a long time ago
Over the last two weeks, it’s been taking me up to two hours to produce urine while having a full (and very sore - mostly left side) bladder. This is infuriating. When I do end up finally feeling the need to release, I have less than 3 minutes to get to a restroom before my vision starts going spotty from the bladder pressure pain.
My urologist ordered a cystoscopy, but has been blaming my 3mm kidney stone until I begged for an ultrasound last month of my bladder. Found bladder wall thickening and bladder cyst / possible urachal remnant.
I found out what Cuada equina is today. I learned that it is very very commonly missed. I can barely walk, and at the music festival I went to over the weekend I had to use ADA for just about everything. I look completely normal so I got judged pretty hard, but I do have paperwork. I have been losing weight without much diet change and my back has been killing me as well. I feel so weak. My urine flow is so small compared to what it used to be. I had a period of time where the pain was so bad, I couldn’t feel my clitoris or labia at all so sex was pointless as well, and I thought I’d lose my relationship and be alone forever. They send me to an OB-Oncologist who said not to come back, which is why my urologist finally agreed to check my bladder.
Is it possible that all my issues are related to the cyst and thickening, or could this be cuada equina that was missed on multiple CT’s? I can’t find info on bladder cysts. using retention. When is the appropriate time to go to the hospital? I can barely walk without pain meds. I urinated about 40 times on Saturday, with my usual being 10-20 times, and some days there’s very little pain or urgency at all, but the retention is almost always there to some extent.
It almost feels like the part of my brain that controls my bladder doesn’t work anymore because no matter how hard I tell my bladder to release, it just doesn’t happen sometimes and I can’t get comfortable after that. I’ve slept a total of 4 hours since Saturday morning and I only have one hydrocodone left. Pyridium does NOTHING except for when burning pain presents, and I can’t take NSAIDS until my GI clears me due to extreme gas, constipation and bloating / belching thought to be caused by peptic ulcers. I can’t walk at this point without pain meds, but the ER always releases me with the same DX of cyst and bladder wall thickening and tells me they have no clue what that means. But I’m in so much pain I feel like there has to be something they can do other than give me fluids and monitor me for an hour or two until I can get to my cystoscopy next week.
If you have any advice for me I really appreciate it. I don’t want to die but I feel the only way out of lifelong urinary pain after 6 months now is suicide. The only time suicide doesn’t cross my mind a couple times is when I do end up having to take a pain pill. In March, I had to take oxy every day. I only take them now when I can’t walk because the effects are too strong for me to keep my life in order while taking them every day. But this weekend I have had the most trouble walking, and using the restroom, since all of these issues began.
I can’t afford any more specialists visits after my procedure, so I really wish the ER could do something for me as they’re the only ones who won’t turn me away for not having money at this point. My GI doc actually canceled my appointment because I don’t have $20 and I’ve been putting off another ultrasound because it’s $200 up front. IDK what to do but I’m pretty sure this is how a lot of people end up on fent and heroin - if I had been denied pain meds this far I would have turned to the streets, and that’s coming from someone who has chosen - on their own - to quit most drug related and extracurricular activities to better their life at a young age and is much happier for it.
I can’t even get the ER to catheterize me when I can’t urinate for 6+ hours at a time. What gives? Why won’t they run a different imaging test? They wouldn’t even give me a breath test for h pylori recently and now I’m waiting a month for an appointment I can’t even afford.
TL;DR extreme bladder pain, nobody understands why, extreme difficulty urinating, ER can’t do anything for me and awaiting surgery. Is there anything I can say or do to get proper medical attention or can the ER really not touch your bladder like they say? Is there a way I can convince them to admit me so I could see a urologist before my procedure? My urologist is unavailable until my follow-up and I don’t think the company they work for allows them to Rx narcotics and I’m against taking more than 1 oxycodone a week at this point but so far have been unsuccessful in getting something weaker like hydro or tramadol.
submitted by Pussybones420 to AskDocs [link] [comments]
25F, 130lbs, 5’10”, no tobacco, MMJ user, hydrocodone and oxyxodone as needed, cyclobenzaprine, protonix
If you read this thank you so much because I’m absolutely desperate and my doctors are tired of me and I think they think I only want pain meds. I don’t, I just want to feel better. I have a huge stash of emergency oxycodone anyway so I barely even need them for that.
On 12/15 I fell down the stairs and hit the lower of my middle back quite hard. 12/19 I had a LEEP done, 01/06 I came down with extreme urinary issues and between then and now have been back 6 times, seen 4 specialists and have seen my PCP at least ten times for urine samples. I’ve also only been able to attend my full time job for 43 days so far this year and have no more money for copays and if it weren’t for my ADA paperwork, I’d have been fired a long time ago
Over the last two weeks, it’s been taking me up to two hours to produce urine while having a full (and very sore - mostly left side) bladder. This is infuriating. When I do end up finally feeling the need to release, I have less than 3 minutes to get to a restroom before my vision starts going spotty from the bladder pressure pain.
My urologist ordered a cystoscopy, but has been blaming my 3mm kidney stone until I begged for an ultrasound last month of my bladder. Found bladder wall thickening and bladder cyst / possible urachal remnant.
I found out what Cuada equina is today. I learned that it is very very commonly missed. I can barely walk, and at the music festival I went to over the weekend I had to use ADA for just about everything. I look completely normal so I got judged pretty hard, but I do have paperwork. I have been losing weight without much diet change and my back has been killing me as well. I feel so weak. My urine flow is so small compared to what it used to be. I had a period of time where the pain was so bad, I couldn’t feel my clitoris or labia at all so sex was pointless as well, and I thought I’d lose my relationship and be alone forever. They send me to an OB-Oncologist who said not to come back, which is why my urologist finally agreed to check my bladder.
Is it possible that all my issues are related to the cyst and thickening, or could this be cuada equina that was missed on multiple CT’s? I can’t find info on bladder cysts. using retention. When is the appropriate time to go to the hospital? I can barely walk without pain meds. I urinated about 40 times on Saturday, with my usual being 10-20 times, and some days there’s very little pain or urgency at all, but the retention is almost always there to some extent.
It almost feels like the part of my brain that controls my bladder doesn’t work anymore because no matter how hard I tell my bladder to release, it just doesn’t happen sometimes and I can’t get comfortable after that. I’ve slept a total of 4 hours since Saturday morning and I only have one hydrocodone left. Pyridium does NOTHING except for when burning pain presents, and I can’t take NSAIDS until my GI clears me due to extreme gas, constipation and bloating / belching thought to be caused by peptic ulcers. I can’t walk at this point without pain meds, but the ER always releases me with the same DX of cyst and bladder wall thickening and tells me they have no clue what that means. But I’m in so much pain I feel like there has to be something they can do other than give me fluids and monitor me for an hour or two until I can get to my cystoscopy next week.
If you have any advice for me I really appreciate it. I don’t want to die but I feel the only way out of lifelong urinary pain after 6 months now is suicide. The only time suicide doesn’t cross my mind a couple times is when I do end up having to take a pain pill. In March, I had to take oxy every day. I only take them now when I can’t walk because the effects are too strong for me to keep my life in order while taking them every day. But this weekend I have had the most trouble walking, and using the restroom, since all of these issues began.
I can’t afford any more specialists visits after my procedure, so I really wish the ER could do something for me as they’re the only ones who won’t turn me away for not having money at this point. My GI doc actually canceled my appointment because I don’t have $20 and I’ve been putting off another ultrasound because it’s $200 up front. IDK what to do but I’m pretty sure this is how a lot of people end up on fent and heroin - if I had been denied pain meds this far I would have turned to the streets, and that’s coming from someone who has chosen - on their own - to quit most drug related and extracurricular activities to better their life at a young age and is much happier for it.
I can’t even get the ER to catheterize me when I can’t urinate for 6+ hours at a time. What gives? Why won’t they run a different imaging test? They wouldn’t even give me a breath test for h pylori recently and now I’m waiting a month for an appointment I can’t even afford.
TL;DR extreme bladder pain, nobody understands why, extreme difficulty urinating, ER can’t do anything for me and awaiting surgery. Is there anything I can say or do to get proper medical attention or can the ER really not touch your bladder like they say? Is there a way I can convince them to admit me so I could see a urologist before my procedure? My urologist is unavailable until my follow-up and I don’t think the company they work for allows them to Rx narcotics and I’m against taking more than 1 oxycodone a week at this point but so far have been unsuccessful in getting something weaker like hydro or tramadol.
2024.05.14 11:42 OutThere_2044 My town's pine forest has a secret...
Part 1
I ended up buying a house at the edge of this town.... before i knew all the bullshit that was goin' on around here. Got bored and went down to the local sheriff Jack and asked about an opening, Didn't even fill out an application, got the job on the spot. For the first few months it was the usual, speeding tickets, drunk and disorderly, normal shit right? Well... let the fuckery commence....
I had been a deputy for 7 months when one of the local farmers called in and reported he had some animals killed last night and wanted someone to come out to his house. John Nixon was a 60 year old farmer who lived by himself. His wife passed away years ago, but he never remarried and they never had kids. We met one day at the local tackle shop. Me being new in town, he took me to some of the good fishin' spots. The man was a huge military history buff and would always ask about my time in. I thought I knew him personally, so i took the call.
As I rolled up to the gate on his property, I saw John standing at the gate with a shotgun. " Hey john, can I ask why you are standing there with that cannon in your hands?" No response, he just stared at me. "John! put that damn shotgun down!!" I yelled. Its like he snapped to out of a trance. "Mason, i need you to come round the back side of the house to the barn, now!" he snapped.
"OK, OK, let me get outta the car and grab some gear." I said opening the car door. While i was grabbing my gear, John was standing there with his eyes scanning the tree line. "Come on mason! you need to see this!" He said heading towards the back. I closed the trunk and started walking over in his direction.
"So what the hell is going on that's got you walking around here with that damn bazooka?" No response, he just keeps walking and scanning the tree line. We finally got to the back of his house where the barn is. It looked like a horror movie in that pen.
"What the fuck happened here!?!" I said covering my mouth. There were pieces of chickens and goats everywhere, a few pigs looked like they had been filleted. "Its back mason, after all these years" John mumbled. "John what the hell are you talking about? what did this?" I asked.
John took his eyes off the tree line and looked me dead in the face. "Your not from here so you dont know." "Know what man? what are you saying?" I asked getting annoyed now. "Years ago this same thing happened to a few guys I know. All of their livestock had been killed. Not killed and eatin', just killed. It got people 'round here up in arms. Well, a few of us got together and decieded we were gonna look for whatever did it" he said. "What the hell are you telling me john?" I interrupted. "There were four of us. We were young, thought we were bullet proof. We went out into the woods one morning, determined to find the damn thing that had been killing our animals.
Tommy was the first to say something. "Hey, did you guys hear that?". The rest of us didnt hear a thing, so we kept moving. We got about three miles deep into the old pine forest at the edge of town. Will was the next to say something, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" he yelled out while looking down at the mud. We ran over to where he was standing to find him wide eyed. "I dont know what the actual fuck did this, but we..we need to go and I mean right fucking now!!!" he said pointing. This track was huge, at least 14 inches long with huge claws. Gerald spoke up "Let's fuckin' go guys!!".
We started back tracking out of the area, when we were stopped cold in our tracks, we all heard it this time. It was coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same damn time. A sickening, shrieking laugh was coming from all around us. We panicked and starting runnin'. As soon as we did that, whatever was making that noise centered as if right behind us, and it was coming fast, ungodly fast" John said eyeing the remains of a chicken that was torn apart.
"We were about a mile from the trucks when I heard a thud and a scream, when i looked back Gerald wasn't there. Will and tommy were right behind me, terror all over their faces. Tommy pulled his pistol and started shooting backwards. Only one shot rang out before something tackled him and Will. I stopped, raising my rifle, but they had already been torn apart. It was seconds, and they were in shreds" John said.
"Mason, what i saw standing over their shredded bodies has haunted me since then. The fucking thing was nine feet tall, shaped like a man, but not. Its skin, or or scales was a mixture of black and grey and it looked slimy. It looked like a damn bodybuilder with hugh claw like hands. Its head was massive, with what looked like horns coming from the jaw to around the chin. Its eyes, glowed bright green in the middle of the fucking day, and it had a mouth full of fucked up jagged teeth." He said lowering his head.
"I jus.. just stood there, waitng for my turn. This thing paced back and fourth, staring at me, with this creepy damn smile. It looked down at Will and Tommy, then it looked back up at me. My heart almost stopped when it pointed and shook its head at me. It started making that shrieking laugh as it grabbed what was left of my friends in each giant claw and walked off into the woods, still fucking laughing. I fell to my knees as it vanished into the trees."
I stood there, thinking he lost his damn mind. John had stopped talking, he had this way off look in his eyes. "John..., john.., JOHN!!" his eyes snapped back to mine. "So what are you telling me? A nine foot creature with claws killed your friends and animals?!" I half mocked. "Yea.... thats what i'm telling you. Its back for me, i know it." "What makes you think it was this thing you say killed your friends? It could have been coyotes" I asked " I know mason, i heard that same horrible shrieking laugh in the woods behind the barn last night."
Now I’ve heard some real bullshit in my time, especially during my time in the contracting field... But this was the most out there shit I had ever heard.
"Alright, alright... let's just take a big ass step backwards. I need to wrap my head around all of this." I said takin a deep breath. John laid the shotgun down to his side. "I'm telling you the truth mason. i'm too old and tired to lie about shit" he said shrugging. I looked deep into this man’s eyes. When I did, I saw something that told me this was the absolute truth as he knew it. " You haven’t given me any reason to doubt you... but fuck man... this is hard to swallow. I need proof John, that's the way this works." A look of frustration washed over his weathered face.
"Proof?! you want proof huh? follow me" John groaned.
He started walking towards the tress behind the barn. As we got closer to the trees, I started to smell rusty copper. Blood I thought out loud. John raised his shotgun as we walked closer. That damn gun had to be illegal, but this wasn’t the time for that. Him raising that gun made me a lil' uneasy, so I pulled my Glock 9mm out and flipped the safety off.
John owned about 90 acres, most of it unkept. A lot of the land was behind the barn which butted up to a state forest. We took about 12 steps into the wood line when the smell of death hit me like a brick. "I'm taking you to where I heard the noise coming from last night... your PROOF is out there Mason" He said with a slight edge to it.
We walked almost a hundred yards into the woods when john stopped in front of a tree. It looked twisted and warped all the way to its top. I stepped around John and saw huge claw marks cut deep all the way around the base of the tree, it's hard to even call it that. "What the hell is this?" I said looking up. "This is a marker, it's territory starts here" John replied. I looked at john like he was crazy, which at this point I thought he was. "This thing travels throughout these woods. I've found five more of these trees in our town" he said putting a hand on the tree.
"This isn’t telling me anything John, just that you've got a weird ass tree on your property" I said back to him. "Do you hear that?" So we could move this mess forward, I stopped talking and just listened. I hadn't noticed that during our walk into the woods it had got quiet, and I mean not one sound. " What the hell? where did all the animals go?" I asked looking around. "They're scared mason... you should be too. Let's get back to the house."
We turned and started making our way out of the woods. We were damn near the tree line when I heard a snap. I turned around, gun raised to see a black streak dart back deeper into the woods. "What the fuck was that?!" All John said was "we need to leave, now!" We turned and started sprinting the rest of the way out of the woods. I was surprised at how fast john was for an old man. We got all the way back to my patrol car. "I don't know what that was, but I don't think you should stay here tonight John. Pack some stuff and come to my place" I said pointing my gun at the trees. John just let out a sigh as if frustrated and defeated.
"You weren't listenin'. The pine forest, these trees, it’s all connected. I’m talkin’ bout before this area was even inhabited by native peoples. This fucking thing has been around for a very long time. I have been looking into this since that day, I had to find out what it was and if it can be killed" he tried to explain. The whole time john was talking I had my eyes and weapon pointed at the trees. " You can put that down mason, it just wanted you to know it's here" He said.
"John, I to need process this shit. I've never seen or heard anything like this and to be straight with you, I’m at a loss right now" I said opening the trunk. "I get it, I get it. The sheriff jack was a deputy back then. When you see him... tell him I said the dark is here..." And with that, he just turned his back and walked back into his house not saying another word.
I got back in the car and sat there. Looking at the treeline. After a few minutes I went back to the station. I must've walked in with that universal what the fuck look on my face, because Cathy the clerk asked what was wrong with me. I told her I was fine and asked if she had seen the sheriff? "Yeah, he is in the gun cage. Are you sure you’re ok Mason?" She asked again.
"Yeah, I'm good, just need to talk to Jack." I started walking towards the back of the building, when Jack came around the corner. "Hey mason, what's up?" he says walking up to me. "I just got back from John's house." The look on his face completely changed. "He had a bunch of animals killed last night. It looked like a slaughterhouse. He told me to tell you the dark was back?" I told him noticing his reaction.
Jack stiffened up and not saying a word gestured for me to follow him towards the back security door. We headed towards the back and out the door. Jack had stopped to make sure the door was secure then pointed at his truck and said "get in."
After getting in he looked over "I need some coffee" then started the truck up and headed west out of the parking lot towards the coffee shop. He ordered a large black coffee with extra sugar then asked if I wanted one. "I'll take a small black, no sugar." We pulled out and headed east back past the station. We ended up driving towards the edge of the county. "What's going on and why are we heading way the hell out here?" I looked at jack and said.
Jack just took a long sip of his coffee then placed it back in the holder.
After a long breath "You want some answers about what happened at Johns' house... I’m sure he told you about a few other things about this town... well we're gonna go get you some answers" He said looking at a black sedan passing in the opposite direction. "Aight so, like you mason, I’m not from here either. I was a trooper in New York for a few years before I came down here. I resigned after a call to an old couple’s house" He said reaching for his cup. "My partner Jake and I responded to what was thought to be an animal attack. We were the first on the scene, having been a couple miles away lookin' for speeders.
When we rolled up an older woman came running over to the cruiser. She had a panicked look on her face and just kept repeating "they're dead, they're dead!!" We hopped out and sat her in the back of the car then asked what happened. "I...I... came over to talk to gloria and... and I saw the door open. I walked in yelling her and Alan’s name, but they didn't answer... I found them upstairs... it's horrible!!" She said sobbing. Jake and I drew our weapons and started making the move inside. Like the witness said the front door was open, so we moved in. It smelled like sulfur and blood when we entered. We started clearing rooms. The first floor was clear, so we made our way up the steps.
The smell was overpowering now. We cleared the bathroom, and the two smaller rooms were clear also. The door to the master bedroom was slightly opened. I motioned to Jake and we hit the door.... it looked like some movie shit!! I kid you not. Jake turned and went back into the hallway and threw up. I stepped into the room and... listen I had never seen anything like this before" Jack stammered out.
"These two people were in shreds on the bed, they're insides had been yanked out and thrown around the fucking room. After looking at the bodies I noticed these huge claw marks in the wall, I’m talking if Andre the giant had had a Krueger glove. I stepped back out of the room and radioed to dispatch that we needed more units. I walked back to the front door where Jake was standing hunched over looking out of it.
Parked outside were 3 black SUVs and a black sedan. I counted 11 men dressed in black tactical military gear, some with a type of rifle I had never seen before, but you could tell it was large caliber. The rest with SMG weapons. When i looked over towards the patrol car, one of the men had the door opened and was talking to the witness. He saw us and started our way. He was dressed in all black too and carried what looked like a desert eagle in a chest holster.
When he got closer I got a better look at him. He looked to be in his late 40's with salt and pepper colored hair and a big ass scar that ran down the right side of his face. He got about ten feet from the steps "We appreciate the assistance, but you are no longer needed" He said in deep voice. As he is saying this, one of the other guys escorts the witness out of our car and into the back of that sedan.
The guy started walking away from us "Who are you? and what the fuck is going on?" I yelled at him. He turned with a look on his face that you only see in movies then took a few steps towards us. "Your command has been informed and you are to leave now!" He said raising his hand up towards that holstered pistol. Jake looked at me and shook his head "fuck it, let's go, let them deal with that mess upstairs" he said still coughing then started heading towards the car. I followed him down the steps... looking this guy up and down, checking out the vehicles... for anything that might tell me who we were dealing with.
The only thing I saw was on the assholes uniform... there was a patch on his shoulder. It was an all-black diamond with a weird looking black M in the middle on it. The guy stared us down until we were in the car driving away. He had that pistol in his hand and the other men starting moving into the house. Jake and I didn’t say a word until the radio squawked and we were told to head back to the barracks.
When we got there, we were told to report to the troop commander’s office. Commander Thompson was sitting in his office along with a man in a nice 2-piece suit. The man in the suit stood there quietly while Thompson told us that we never responded to any call out to that farmhouse, and that this was the first and only time he would say it. With that, he dismissed us and and we walked out. The shit didn’t sit well with me, and I ended up resigning a few months later.
I came down here and then that shit in the woods happened. I was on the scene, I saw the claw marks. They looked just like the ones in New York, and the same damn trucks showed up with different personnel. I knew just to shut up and walk away, and after making that choice I have had a pretty good career here." he finished grabbing his cup out of the holder.
My brain was in overdrive. I was just about to completely question bomb jack when he said, "We're here." He pulled off onto this overgrown driveway and drove for about a quarter mile. We pulled up to an old two-story house that looked like it was in ruins... but the lights were on. "Where the hell are we?" I asked As the last word of that question left my mouth, the front door of the house opened... standing in the doorway was a old man, dressed in weathered black clothing. Jack leaned over to me "You wanted answers... well.... there they are."
submitted by OutThere_2044 to DrCreepensVault [link] [comments]
I ended up buying a house at the edge of this town.... before i knew all the bullshit that was goin' on around here. Got bored and went down to the local sheriff Jack and asked about an opening, Didn't even fill out an application, got the job on the spot. For the first few months it was the usual, speeding tickets, drunk and disorderly, normal shit right? Well... let the fuckery commence....
I had been a deputy for 7 months when one of the local farmers called in and reported he had some animals killed last night and wanted someone to come out to his house. John Nixon was a 60 year old farmer who lived by himself. His wife passed away years ago, but he never remarried and they never had kids. We met one day at the local tackle shop. Me being new in town, he took me to some of the good fishin' spots. The man was a huge military history buff and would always ask about my time in. I thought I knew him personally, so i took the call.
As I rolled up to the gate on his property, I saw John standing at the gate with a shotgun. " Hey john, can I ask why you are standing there with that cannon in your hands?" No response, he just stared at me. "John! put that damn shotgun down!!" I yelled. Its like he snapped to out of a trance. "Mason, i need you to come round the back side of the house to the barn, now!" he snapped.
"OK, OK, let me get outta the car and grab some gear." I said opening the car door. While i was grabbing my gear, John was standing there with his eyes scanning the tree line. "Come on mason! you need to see this!" He said heading towards the back. I closed the trunk and started walking over in his direction.
"So what the hell is going on that's got you walking around here with that damn bazooka?" No response, he just keeps walking and scanning the tree line. We finally got to the back of his house where the barn is. It looked like a horror movie in that pen.
"What the fuck happened here!?!" I said covering my mouth. There were pieces of chickens and goats everywhere, a few pigs looked like they had been filleted. "Its back mason, after all these years" John mumbled. "John what the hell are you talking about? what did this?" I asked.
John took his eyes off the tree line and looked me dead in the face. "Your not from here so you dont know." "Know what man? what are you saying?" I asked getting annoyed now. "Years ago this same thing happened to a few guys I know. All of their livestock had been killed. Not killed and eatin', just killed. It got people 'round here up in arms. Well, a few of us got together and decieded we were gonna look for whatever did it" he said. "What the hell are you telling me john?" I interrupted. "There were four of us. We were young, thought we were bullet proof. We went out into the woods one morning, determined to find the damn thing that had been killing our animals.
Tommy was the first to say something. "Hey, did you guys hear that?". The rest of us didnt hear a thing, so we kept moving. We got about three miles deep into the old pine forest at the edge of town. Will was the next to say something, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" he yelled out while looking down at the mud. We ran over to where he was standing to find him wide eyed. "I dont know what the actual fuck did this, but we..we need to go and I mean right fucking now!!!" he said pointing. This track was huge, at least 14 inches long with huge claws. Gerald spoke up "Let's fuckin' go guys!!".
We started back tracking out of the area, when we were stopped cold in our tracks, we all heard it this time. It was coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same damn time. A sickening, shrieking laugh was coming from all around us. We panicked and starting runnin'. As soon as we did that, whatever was making that noise centered as if right behind us, and it was coming fast, ungodly fast" John said eyeing the remains of a chicken that was torn apart.
"We were about a mile from the trucks when I heard a thud and a scream, when i looked back Gerald wasn't there. Will and tommy were right behind me, terror all over their faces. Tommy pulled his pistol and started shooting backwards. Only one shot rang out before something tackled him and Will. I stopped, raising my rifle, but they had already been torn apart. It was seconds, and they were in shreds" John said.
"Mason, what i saw standing over their shredded bodies has haunted me since then. The fucking thing was nine feet tall, shaped like a man, but not. Its skin, or or scales was a mixture of black and grey and it looked slimy. It looked like a damn bodybuilder with hugh claw like hands. Its head was massive, with what looked like horns coming from the jaw to around the chin. Its eyes, glowed bright green in the middle of the fucking day, and it had a mouth full of fucked up jagged teeth." He said lowering his head.
"I jus.. just stood there, waitng for my turn. This thing paced back and fourth, staring at me, with this creepy damn smile. It looked down at Will and Tommy, then it looked back up at me. My heart almost stopped when it pointed and shook its head at me. It started making that shrieking laugh as it grabbed what was left of my friends in each giant claw and walked off into the woods, still fucking laughing. I fell to my knees as it vanished into the trees."
I stood there, thinking he lost his damn mind. John had stopped talking, he had this way off look in his eyes. "John..., john.., JOHN!!" his eyes snapped back to mine. "So what are you telling me? A nine foot creature with claws killed your friends and animals?!" I half mocked. "Yea.... thats what i'm telling you. Its back for me, i know it." "What makes you think it was this thing you say killed your friends? It could have been coyotes" I asked " I know mason, i heard that same horrible shrieking laugh in the woods behind the barn last night."
Now I’ve heard some real bullshit in my time, especially during my time in the contracting field... But this was the most out there shit I had ever heard.
"Alright, alright... let's just take a big ass step backwards. I need to wrap my head around all of this." I said takin a deep breath. John laid the shotgun down to his side. "I'm telling you the truth mason. i'm too old and tired to lie about shit" he said shrugging. I looked deep into this man’s eyes. When I did, I saw something that told me this was the absolute truth as he knew it. " You haven’t given me any reason to doubt you... but fuck man... this is hard to swallow. I need proof John, that's the way this works." A look of frustration washed over his weathered face.
"Proof?! you want proof huh? follow me" John groaned.
He started walking towards the tress behind the barn. As we got closer to the trees, I started to smell rusty copper. Blood I thought out loud. John raised his shotgun as we walked closer. That damn gun had to be illegal, but this wasn’t the time for that. Him raising that gun made me a lil' uneasy, so I pulled my Glock 9mm out and flipped the safety off.
John owned about 90 acres, most of it unkept. A lot of the land was behind the barn which butted up to a state forest. We took about 12 steps into the wood line when the smell of death hit me like a brick. "I'm taking you to where I heard the noise coming from last night... your PROOF is out there Mason" He said with a slight edge to it.
We walked almost a hundred yards into the woods when john stopped in front of a tree. It looked twisted and warped all the way to its top. I stepped around John and saw huge claw marks cut deep all the way around the base of the tree, it's hard to even call it that. "What the hell is this?" I said looking up. "This is a marker, it's territory starts here" John replied. I looked at john like he was crazy, which at this point I thought he was. "This thing travels throughout these woods. I've found five more of these trees in our town" he said putting a hand on the tree.
"This isn’t telling me anything John, just that you've got a weird ass tree on your property" I said back to him. "Do you hear that?" So we could move this mess forward, I stopped talking and just listened. I hadn't noticed that during our walk into the woods it had got quiet, and I mean not one sound. " What the hell? where did all the animals go?" I asked looking around. "They're scared mason... you should be too. Let's get back to the house."
We turned and started making our way out of the woods. We were damn near the tree line when I heard a snap. I turned around, gun raised to see a black streak dart back deeper into the woods. "What the fuck was that?!" All John said was "we need to leave, now!" We turned and started sprinting the rest of the way out of the woods. I was surprised at how fast john was for an old man. We got all the way back to my patrol car. "I don't know what that was, but I don't think you should stay here tonight John. Pack some stuff and come to my place" I said pointing my gun at the trees. John just let out a sigh as if frustrated and defeated.
"You weren't listenin'. The pine forest, these trees, it’s all connected. I’m talkin’ bout before this area was even inhabited by native peoples. This fucking thing has been around for a very long time. I have been looking into this since that day, I had to find out what it was and if it can be killed" he tried to explain. The whole time john was talking I had my eyes and weapon pointed at the trees. " You can put that down mason, it just wanted you to know it's here" He said.
"John, I to need process this shit. I've never seen or heard anything like this and to be straight with you, I’m at a loss right now" I said opening the trunk. "I get it, I get it. The sheriff jack was a deputy back then. When you see him... tell him I said the dark is here..." And with that, he just turned his back and walked back into his house not saying another word.
I got back in the car and sat there. Looking at the treeline. After a few minutes I went back to the station. I must've walked in with that universal what the fuck look on my face, because Cathy the clerk asked what was wrong with me. I told her I was fine and asked if she had seen the sheriff? "Yeah, he is in the gun cage. Are you sure you’re ok Mason?" She asked again.
"Yeah, I'm good, just need to talk to Jack." I started walking towards the back of the building, when Jack came around the corner. "Hey mason, what's up?" he says walking up to me. "I just got back from John's house." The look on his face completely changed. "He had a bunch of animals killed last night. It looked like a slaughterhouse. He told me to tell you the dark was back?" I told him noticing his reaction.
Jack stiffened up and not saying a word gestured for me to follow him towards the back security door. We headed towards the back and out the door. Jack had stopped to make sure the door was secure then pointed at his truck and said "get in."
After getting in he looked over "I need some coffee" then started the truck up and headed west out of the parking lot towards the coffee shop. He ordered a large black coffee with extra sugar then asked if I wanted one. "I'll take a small black, no sugar." We pulled out and headed east back past the station. We ended up driving towards the edge of the county. "What's going on and why are we heading way the hell out here?" I looked at jack and said.
Jack just took a long sip of his coffee then placed it back in the holder.
After a long breath "You want some answers about what happened at Johns' house... I’m sure he told you about a few other things about this town... well we're gonna go get you some answers" He said looking at a black sedan passing in the opposite direction. "Aight so, like you mason, I’m not from here either. I was a trooper in New York for a few years before I came down here. I resigned after a call to an old couple’s house" He said reaching for his cup. "My partner Jake and I responded to what was thought to be an animal attack. We were the first on the scene, having been a couple miles away lookin' for speeders.
When we rolled up an older woman came running over to the cruiser. She had a panicked look on her face and just kept repeating "they're dead, they're dead!!" We hopped out and sat her in the back of the car then asked what happened. "I...I... came over to talk to gloria and... and I saw the door open. I walked in yelling her and Alan’s name, but they didn't answer... I found them upstairs... it's horrible!!" She said sobbing. Jake and I drew our weapons and started making the move inside. Like the witness said the front door was open, so we moved in. It smelled like sulfur and blood when we entered. We started clearing rooms. The first floor was clear, so we made our way up the steps.
The smell was overpowering now. We cleared the bathroom, and the two smaller rooms were clear also. The door to the master bedroom was slightly opened. I motioned to Jake and we hit the door.... it looked like some movie shit!! I kid you not. Jake turned and went back into the hallway and threw up. I stepped into the room and... listen I had never seen anything like this before" Jack stammered out.
"These two people were in shreds on the bed, they're insides had been yanked out and thrown around the fucking room. After looking at the bodies I noticed these huge claw marks in the wall, I’m talking if Andre the giant had had a Krueger glove. I stepped back out of the room and radioed to dispatch that we needed more units. I walked back to the front door where Jake was standing hunched over looking out of it.
Parked outside were 3 black SUVs and a black sedan. I counted 11 men dressed in black tactical military gear, some with a type of rifle I had never seen before, but you could tell it was large caliber. The rest with SMG weapons. When i looked over towards the patrol car, one of the men had the door opened and was talking to the witness. He saw us and started our way. He was dressed in all black too and carried what looked like a desert eagle in a chest holster.
When he got closer I got a better look at him. He looked to be in his late 40's with salt and pepper colored hair and a big ass scar that ran down the right side of his face. He got about ten feet from the steps "We appreciate the assistance, but you are no longer needed" He said in deep voice. As he is saying this, one of the other guys escorts the witness out of our car and into the back of that sedan.
The guy started walking away from us "Who are you? and what the fuck is going on?" I yelled at him. He turned with a look on his face that you only see in movies then took a few steps towards us. "Your command has been informed and you are to leave now!" He said raising his hand up towards that holstered pistol. Jake looked at me and shook his head "fuck it, let's go, let them deal with that mess upstairs" he said still coughing then started heading towards the car. I followed him down the steps... looking this guy up and down, checking out the vehicles... for anything that might tell me who we were dealing with.
The only thing I saw was on the assholes uniform... there was a patch on his shoulder. It was an all-black diamond with a weird looking black M in the middle on it. The guy stared us down until we were in the car driving away. He had that pistol in his hand and the other men starting moving into the house. Jake and I didn’t say a word until the radio squawked and we were told to head back to the barracks.
When we got there, we were told to report to the troop commander’s office. Commander Thompson was sitting in his office along with a man in a nice 2-piece suit. The man in the suit stood there quietly while Thompson told us that we never responded to any call out to that farmhouse, and that this was the first and only time he would say it. With that, he dismissed us and and we walked out. The shit didn’t sit well with me, and I ended up resigning a few months later.
I came down here and then that shit in the woods happened. I was on the scene, I saw the claw marks. They looked just like the ones in New York, and the same damn trucks showed up with different personnel. I knew just to shut up and walk away, and after making that choice I have had a pretty good career here." he finished grabbing his cup out of the holder.
My brain was in overdrive. I was just about to completely question bomb jack when he said, "We're here." He pulled off onto this overgrown driveway and drove for about a quarter mile. We pulled up to an old two-story house that looked like it was in ruins... but the lights were on. "Where the hell are we?" I asked As the last word of that question left my mouth, the front door of the house opened... standing in the doorway was a old man, dressed in weathered black clothing. Jack leaned over to me "You wanted answers... well.... there they are."
2024.05.14 11:37 CharlieChieplin 3d printed Juggernaut
 | I airbrushed a Juggernaut for my friend. He printed this with PLA for 3 weeks straight. The stl file is designed by Wicked if someone is interested. Do any of you have experience with painting / airbrushing PLA? How to fix it when the paint sticks differently to certain objects? In my attempt the left halve of the juggernaut logo ("jugge") the print has a different direction, it even causes color difference between the left part and right part.The right part is printed in stripes, the left part is noodles. Also, I still see a lot of lines which I can't just sand down , since I am also sanding the details (damage, dents, etc.) away. The chest has a lot of layers of paint, but I get a strange golden glow from it. Looks orange from certain angles. The pla was white foe the chest part, I added white primer, then red, then shadows, then red again...still a golden glow. Kinda cool, but no idea what is causing it? I made a small vid with the paint job, hope you enjoy it, it's my first bigger project. submitted by CharlieChieplin to 3Dprinting [link] [comments] |
2024.05.14 11:37 atmaninravi Encouraging children to be spiritual
While children are taught moral education and other different subjects in schools, including mythological and religious stories, besides disciplines like languages, sciences, math, there is no focus on spirituality. Unfortunately, people tend to confuse religion with spirituality. But spirituality is different from religion. Spirituality is a way of life. It is beyond religion. Religion is only the kindergarten of spirituality. Religion teaches us the ABC of God, it introduces God to us at an early age. It helps build faith. By giving God a form, as religion does, it can help a child connect to God. Religion also provides us with a certain moral and ethical framework that we can live by, but it stops at that. Spirituality is beyond religion. Spirituality is the science of the spirit. It helps us realize the truth. It helps us realize who we are, who God is, what the purpose of life is and how we can attain it. We realize that we are not the body, mind and ego but the Soul. That God is not a person or saint but a power and we are a part of that power. We realize that God is one and everyone and everything is a manifestation of God.
Spirituality, thus, sets things in perspective. It fosters love
and compassion towards everyone and everything. It promotes togetherness, brotherhood and universal love.
By helping our children become spiritual, we can help eliminate stress, anxiety, stress, depression, anger, hate, jealousy, suffering and misery from their lives. By encouraging spiritual practices, we can help children be happy and peaceful. Our children and our world would be very different if children grew up being spiritual. Spirituality paves the way for a life of happiness and peace.
Unfortunately, we are so lost in this material world that we are ourselves ignorant about the reality and truth of life. As parents or guardians, we pressurise children to come first in whatever they do. We tell them as we were told — ‘be successful’, because we believe that success is happiness. We want them to win trophies and medals in sports, academics — everything. But the truth is that the so-called happiness from achievements is not real happiness. It is only momentary pleasure. It is ephemeral. The fact is that happiness is success and not the other way round. If we are happy, we are already successful. In reality, success brings with it stress and worry. At times, people resort to immoral and unethical ways to be at the top. Most of us don’t stop at our need, we go beyond to greed. But things can never make us happy. Happiness is a state of being. We have to ‘be’ happy, moment by moment. The truth is that nothing belongs to us. Why do we want to amass a fortune? Ultimately, it will all be left behind. Sadly, we end up teaching children the wrong things. Children grow up wanting to become an ace in the race, but finally, they get caught in the maze.
We must therefore encourage spirituality in children. And below are simple ways of doing it:
First of all, we must understand what spirituality is and incorporate it into our daily life. If we don’t know what spirituality is, what can we tell our children? Children learn by example and we must set an example. If we ourselves are busy chasing success and achievements, hoarding and collecting wealth, how can we guide our children? While making money or wanting to be successful in itself is not bad, the problem is that we become addicted to it. We don’t know when and where to stop. We must ourselves do good deeds and treat other people, all beings and nature with reverence. We must, thus, lead by example.
Next, we can encourage spiritual practices like Yoga and meditation. Yoga is not just about asanas or physical exercises or pranayama or breathing techniques. Yoga means union with God. Nonetheless, _asanas_ and _pranayama_practices do promote well-being and peace. Similarly, we can encourage devotion or Bhakti in children by praying together, by singing Bhajans, hymns together.
Next, we must help children differentiate between the myth and the truth. Most of the stories children read or are told are myths, including that of Ganesha or Shiva. While this generates interest in the Divine, as they grow older, we must help them realize that God is not Ganesha or Shiva. God is not a person, but a Power, the Supreme Immortal Power. We must teach them to go beyond praying to Ganesha or other idols to praying through these idols to God, the Supreme Immortal Power.
We can try to guide children in day to day life. We can help them be mindful of nature, to connect with nature and treat other creatures with respect and love. We can help them choose what they read and ensure that they do not pick up more myths and lies. There are many spiritual parables, and stories that can communicate the truth in a simple and engaging manner. We must encourage children to ask questions about life, death, about God and help them understand reality. We must not tell them to blindly believe or follow what has been told to us for generations.
Finally, if we have the blessings and guidance of a spiritual mentor or Guru in our life, a truly enlightened being, we must allow children to have interactions with the Guru, or listen to his discourses. This spiritual interaction and education from a spiritually evolved person can leave a deep impact on young, impressionable minds.
submitted by atmaninravi to awakened [link] [comments]
Spirituality, thus, sets things in perspective. It fosters love
and compassion towards everyone and everything. It promotes togetherness, brotherhood and universal love.
By helping our children become spiritual, we can help eliminate stress, anxiety, stress, depression, anger, hate, jealousy, suffering and misery from their lives. By encouraging spiritual practices, we can help children be happy and peaceful. Our children and our world would be very different if children grew up being spiritual. Spirituality paves the way for a life of happiness and peace.
Unfortunately, we are so lost in this material world that we are ourselves ignorant about the reality and truth of life. As parents or guardians, we pressurise children to come first in whatever they do. We tell them as we were told — ‘be successful’, because we believe that success is happiness. We want them to win trophies and medals in sports, academics — everything. But the truth is that the so-called happiness from achievements is not real happiness. It is only momentary pleasure. It is ephemeral. The fact is that happiness is success and not the other way round. If we are happy, we are already successful. In reality, success brings with it stress and worry. At times, people resort to immoral and unethical ways to be at the top. Most of us don’t stop at our need, we go beyond to greed. But things can never make us happy. Happiness is a state of being. We have to ‘be’ happy, moment by moment. The truth is that nothing belongs to us. Why do we want to amass a fortune? Ultimately, it will all be left behind. Sadly, we end up teaching children the wrong things. Children grow up wanting to become an ace in the race, but finally, they get caught in the maze.
We must therefore encourage spirituality in children. And below are simple ways of doing it:
First of all, we must understand what spirituality is and incorporate it into our daily life. If we don’t know what spirituality is, what can we tell our children? Children learn by example and we must set an example. If we ourselves are busy chasing success and achievements, hoarding and collecting wealth, how can we guide our children? While making money or wanting to be successful in itself is not bad, the problem is that we become addicted to it. We don’t know when and where to stop. We must ourselves do good deeds and treat other people, all beings and nature with reverence. We must, thus, lead by example.
Next, we can encourage spiritual practices like Yoga and meditation. Yoga is not just about asanas or physical exercises or pranayama or breathing techniques. Yoga means union with God. Nonetheless, _asanas_ and _pranayama_practices do promote well-being and peace. Similarly, we can encourage devotion or Bhakti in children by praying together, by singing Bhajans, hymns together.
Next, we must help children differentiate between the myth and the truth. Most of the stories children read or are told are myths, including that of Ganesha or Shiva. While this generates interest in the Divine, as they grow older, we must help them realize that God is not Ganesha or Shiva. God is not a person, but a Power, the Supreme Immortal Power. We must teach them to go beyond praying to Ganesha or other idols to praying through these idols to God, the Supreme Immortal Power.
We can try to guide children in day to day life. We can help them be mindful of nature, to connect with nature and treat other creatures with respect and love. We can help them choose what they read and ensure that they do not pick up more myths and lies. There are many spiritual parables, and stories that can communicate the truth in a simple and engaging manner. We must encourage children to ask questions about life, death, about God and help them understand reality. We must not tell them to blindly believe or follow what has been told to us for generations.
Finally, if we have the blessings and guidance of a spiritual mentor or Guru in our life, a truly enlightened being, we must allow children to have interactions with the Guru, or listen to his discourses. This spiritual interaction and education from a spiritually evolved person can leave a deep impact on young, impressionable minds.
2024.05.14 11:34 ZVAARI STKorporation / Tainic mashup playlist archive
Playlist link: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLloBEMRzjfChr4UKz5puF2hkV4Js5Nu4t
Hey guys, you may know me as that guy who still makes Space Jam mashups for some reason (my god it's been like 13 years). Some days ago I put together a playlist of mashups made by Tainic (formerly STKorporation), which you may remember as they used to be quite popular around here a few years back. I originally made this playlist because I occasionally get requests for specific mashups made by them from time to time, and it prompted me to make a definitive playlist I could link people to; that sent me down a rabbit hole to find any and all mashups I could get my hands on, from people's publicly liked and favorited playlists to the Internet Archive. Of course I also came through here and saw that this was also a request people made at some point, so I thought I'd share with anyone who might care. The playlist includes mashups that aren't Space Jam and a few SiIvaGunner submissions.
I'm also posting this to ask if you guys have mashups that this playlist might be missing, so that I can add them. I know a good amount of these were made private automatically by a change YouTube made to unlisted videos in 2017 and those were never changed back to being unlisted, so unless someone has them archived they are simply lost. I have also reached out to Tainic who made it clear to me that no further changes would be made to their YouTube channel, so this is kinda my last attempt. Honestly, more than building a playlist to redirect people to, it's also about archiving part of my history and I'm kinda sad some of it seems to be gone.
The playlist description includes some of the mashups I know exist but don't have, so if you guys have some of them I'll gladly put them in the playlist. For archival purposes (believe me it'll help someone who needs to google this shit in 15 years) I will post the list here:
submitted by ZVAARI to comeonandslam [link] [comments]
Hey guys, you may know me as that guy who still makes Space Jam mashups for some reason (my god it's been like 13 years). Some days ago I put together a playlist of mashups made by Tainic (formerly STKorporation), which you may remember as they used to be quite popular around here a few years back. I originally made this playlist because I occasionally get requests for specific mashups made by them from time to time, and it prompted me to make a definitive playlist I could link people to; that sent me down a rabbit hole to find any and all mashups I could get my hands on, from people's publicly liked and favorited playlists to the Internet Archive. Of course I also came through here and saw that this was also a request people made at some point, so I thought I'd share with anyone who might care. The playlist includes mashups that aren't Space Jam and a few SiIvaGunner submissions.
I'm also posting this to ask if you guys have mashups that this playlist might be missing, so that I can add them. I know a good amount of these were made private automatically by a change YouTube made to unlisted videos in 2017 and those were never changed back to being unlisted, so unless someone has them archived they are simply lost. I have also reached out to Tainic who made it clear to me that no further changes would be made to their YouTube channel, so this is kinda my last attempt. Honestly, more than building a playlist to redirect people to, it's also about archiving part of my history and I'm kinda sad some of it seems to be gone.
The playlist description includes some of the mashups I know exist but don't have, so if you guys have some of them I'll gladly put them in the playlist. For archival purposes (believe me it'll help someone who needs to google this shit in 15 years) I will post the list here:
- B-Zero Barkley Densetsu : The Meaning of Slam (F-Zero Falcon Densetsu - The Meaning of Truth available here: https://soundcloud.com/tainic/b-zero-barkley-densetsu-the)
- Chario & Barkluigi : B-Ball's Inside Story - PSY's Castle (Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story - Peach's Castle available here: https://soundcloud.com/tainic/ch I made the original picture way back, so this can be put back together)
- Charles Barkley, Président (Jacques Chirac, Président I have the original upload for this saved and may reupload it if it can't be found)
- Inajama Eleven Slammers - Continental Champions (Inazuma Eleven Strikers - Continental Champions available here: https://soundcloud.com/tainic/quad-city-djs-are-the I also made the picture for this, so this can be put back together)
- Pokéslam Jam 2 & Dunk 2 - vs. Kanto Gym Hooper (Pokémon Black 2 & White 2 - vs. Kanto Gym Trainer not sure about this one, it may not exist as I haven't found evidence of it. It's the only one missing from a list of Pokémon BW2 mashups all posted at the same time, so I believe it's out there somewhere)
- unknown named Space Jam x Fire Emblem Awakening mashup (I have the picture for this but not the audio, and do not remember what the mashup actually was)
- possibly an older version of "Barkley & All-Stars Racing Transformed - Slam's Landing". I'm the one who originally rendered those videos, but I don't know if the older version is still around
- Jam in The Family - A Simple Slam Request (Brawl In The Family - A Simple Request I made the picture for this but don't have the audio)
- Super Slam Bros. for 3DS & Wii U - Lost In Slam, All Alone (Super Smash Bros. for 3DS & Wii U - Lost In Thoughts, All Alone (Remix) I made the picture for this but don't have the audio)
- Tsurupeslam (Tsurupettan found evidence that this existed, but that's it)
- BayoNETta - The Greatest NBee (Bayonetta - The Greatest Jubilee I made the picture for this but don't have the audio)
- Slamnic Colors - Slam With Your Heart (Sonic Colors - Speak With Your Heart available here: https://zvaari.bandcamp.com/track/slamnic-colors-slam-with-your-heart this was never uploaded outside of the album, I'm just putting it here for posterity)
- an entire Umineko x Space Jam album, although I'm not sure that was ever uploaded. The SiIva submissions may be leftovers from that. I was working on that at some point as well (even have a slam from it I've never finished) and saw quite a lot from it so I know it exists, but it may simply not be out there. It was also a collaborative effort, some tracks were made by other slammers and I just don't know what became of them
2024.05.14 11:33 ToraAkira AITAH for blocking my date after he was being racist?
Context: I had gone on a few dates with Felix (fake name) prior to this one, and they were all really great. And till this point, there nothing negative about him at all. Even though we are in the same uni, we are in different departments and different dorms, so until our date I have never seen/interacted with him. My friend/roommate (Evelyn/fake name) is the one who set me up with him (this will be important later).
On our 4th date, we had gone to watch a play at our local theatre, and we had a great time. We were going to get an uber back to our dorms when I suggested let's get some dessert, so we can end the day on something sweet. So we went to an ice cream shop and were standing in line to order.
In front of us was a couple with their baby, and the dad was holding the baby over his shoulder, so the baby was looking at us. The baby was giggling and waving so I waved back and the couple turned around. We had small talk, and during this Felix was quiet. He didn't talk to them and he looked uncomfortable. I wrapped the convo quickly as I noticed this. I though maybe he doesn't like kids or something. The couple left, we paid for dessert and left. As we were walking to our spot for the uber, I mentioned " the baby was very cute," He muttered a small yes, I didn't care too much for his reaction and was scrolling on my phone while we were waiting for the uber. Our converstion then transpired like this.
Felix: The kid's dad is black while the mum is asian
Me: Huh? I mean yes?
Felix: That's a shame
Me: What do you mean that's a shame?
Felix: Why did she have a kid with a black dude? There are other Asian guys out there yet she goes for black men
Me: I had no words, I was speechless
Felix: Look, you don't get it, I have trauma from this. My ex gf was also stolen by a black guy
Me: What are you going on about? What does your ex gf being "stolen" have anything to do with that lady and her family.
Felix: You don't understand, asian men have to deal with this all the time. All the asian girls like either white guys and black guys.
Me: I was dumfounded hearing this, he was sounding like a red pill podcast You may have had bad experiences in your dating life but that doesn't mean you can be hateful and rude towards random people or generalise an entire group of people because one person was wrong towards you. You are being racist and I don't think I have it in me to deal with this. I think it may be for the best if we don't keep in contact.
I ordered a separate uber and left. I blocked him and left it at that. When I came back to the dorms, I was visibly upset and my friend asked what happened, so I told him. Somebody must have overheard and now our entire dorm knows he's a racist. Evelyn now is angry at me for blocking him and spreading this situation.
I told her what happened and she said well he has trauma so maybe that may have been a response to it. I said you are stupid if you think I'm going to waste my time dealing with a racist, when there are other people I can date. She said he's a good person and that I should give him a second chance. She's trying to rally our other friends to convince me and thankfully they are not putting up with her bs.
But then Felix's friends reached out to me and said he's had a difficult life and that's he doesn't mean what he said, and now people are harassing him for being a racist. I'm now so annoyed at this entire situation.
So AITAH for blocking him?
submitted by ToraAkira to AITAH [link] [comments]
On our 4th date, we had gone to watch a play at our local theatre, and we had a great time. We were going to get an uber back to our dorms when I suggested let's get some dessert, so we can end the day on something sweet. So we went to an ice cream shop and were standing in line to order.
In front of us was a couple with their baby, and the dad was holding the baby over his shoulder, so the baby was looking at us. The baby was giggling and waving so I waved back and the couple turned around. We had small talk, and during this Felix was quiet. He didn't talk to them and he looked uncomfortable. I wrapped the convo quickly as I noticed this. I though maybe he doesn't like kids or something. The couple left, we paid for dessert and left. As we were walking to our spot for the uber, I mentioned " the baby was very cute," He muttered a small yes, I didn't care too much for his reaction and was scrolling on my phone while we were waiting for the uber. Our converstion then transpired like this.
Felix: The kid's dad is black while the mum is asian
Me: Huh? I mean yes?
Felix: That's a shame
Me: What do you mean that's a shame?
Felix: Why did she have a kid with a black dude? There are other Asian guys out there yet she goes for black men
Me: I had no words, I was speechless
Felix: Look, you don't get it, I have trauma from this. My ex gf was also stolen by a black guy
Me: What are you going on about? What does your ex gf being "stolen" have anything to do with that lady and her family.
Felix: You don't understand, asian men have to deal with this all the time. All the asian girls like either white guys and black guys.
Me: I was dumfounded hearing this, he was sounding like a red pill podcast You may have had bad experiences in your dating life but that doesn't mean you can be hateful and rude towards random people or generalise an entire group of people because one person was wrong towards you. You are being racist and I don't think I have it in me to deal with this. I think it may be for the best if we don't keep in contact.
I ordered a separate uber and left. I blocked him and left it at that. When I came back to the dorms, I was visibly upset and my friend asked what happened, so I told him. Somebody must have overheard and now our entire dorm knows he's a racist. Evelyn now is angry at me for blocking him and spreading this situation.
I told her what happened and she said well he has trauma so maybe that may have been a response to it. I said you are stupid if you think I'm going to waste my time dealing with a racist, when there are other people I can date. She said he's a good person and that I should give him a second chance. She's trying to rally our other friends to convince me and thankfully they are not putting up with her bs.
But then Felix's friends reached out to me and said he's had a difficult life and that's he doesn't mean what he said, and now people are harassing him for being a racist. I'm now so annoyed at this entire situation.
So AITAH for blocking him?
2024.05.14 11:30 Fthku Westerners' hyperfocus on the conflict vs other issues
Long rant ahead, pretty disorganized as well as it was initially a reply on another post before I decided to make it its own post. Apologies!
As an Israeli, it's absolutely incredible to me how this conflict, which has nothing to do with the Westerners' public, takes up such a significant part of their lives. There are countless other significantly worse conflicts, tremendously worse global problems (climate change, the lingering effects of COVID, resources dwindling for humanity as a whole, pollution, etc.), the heaps of domestic issues (especially in the US) - and this far away conflict in a piece of land smaller than some major world cities is the biggest focus of some of these peoples' lives.
This isn't whataboutism, I'm not saying people can't take an interest with issue X just because there exists a worse issue Y. The point is the amount of time people are spending on this vs. other issues, even if we put aside the fact that they are all ignorant, completely misinformed useful idiots.
These "activists" are fully investing their time in this completely irrelevant issue to them. I was just visiting the US, and I passed by a virtue-signaling house in Seattle. It had it all - BLM, pride flag, and others. All worthy causes. But those were all small signs on the side of the house, but on the front was a gigantic Palestinian flag with a gigantic "free Palestine" slogan as well. Really?! This is the issue you're spending energy on and bringing the most awareness to? Not BLM, not LGBT, both of which are incredibly relevant to you and your country? Do black people, your actual fellow countrymen, no longer face racism? Do LGBT not get harassed or suffer violence?
And let's not forget another big elephant in the room - none of them speak up at all against antisemitism. So what, human rights activists, but Jews Don't Count? Hell, forget speaking up - many of them ENDORSE violence against Jews (and as we've seen from many of their protests, they're just violent in general). Unbelievable hypocrites, so it's "Palestinians are not Hamas" on the one hand, but every single Jew on the planet is complicit in whatever blood libel you've concocted?
Like with Jews in general, their hatred of every single Israeli alive is also massively hypocritical and obviously vile and wrong. I've not seen a single people alive receive as much hate as we do purely based on our nationality. Even those other nations that experience such hate online, it'd usually be isolated to receiving it from whatever nation they are in conflict with. Are Russian immigrants expected to give answers about the war? Do Chinese immigrants get hate for their government's actions? And so on.
I'm 35 years old and a computer nerd, and pretty much since I can remember myself, I would receive hate and contempt online just for mentioning I'm Israeli. Whenever we would take a trip abroad, my parents would make sure to tell us to always say we're from some other country if asked. Do you have any idea what an impact this has on a kid, growing up knowing he needs to be afraid to mention where he is? How difficult it was to understand why people might harm us when I'm just a kid, never did anything to anyone in my short life?
The amount of propaganda out there is just astonishing. It is mostly driven by Iran, Russia, and Qatar. It is extremely hard to fight this with such a small country as Israel, especially when our PR is disastrous and more often than not, it's regular people who do the job instead of officials. And Westerners eat it up, as well as apply their local race politics (mostly Americans) to the conflict when it has nothing to do with it, not to mention how they're completely unaware that even if it was relevant, the majority of Israelis are Mizrahi Jews, "brown" as Americans love to say, and on the flip side a sizeable amount of Palestinians are white skinned themselves, hell a lot of Levantines are like Syrians and Lebanese. Druze are basically 100% levantine and are pretty white skinned. Anyway, yeah, skin color has nothing to do with it, which is probably head error-inducing for Americans used to making it all about race.
It's depressing. And it honestly seems hopeless to battle it, we can't stand up to the incredible propaganda machine working against us constantly. Couple it with people generally prone to fall for populist rubbish and be ignorant in general, it's a losing battle.
submitted by Fthku to Israel [link] [comments]
As an Israeli, it's absolutely incredible to me how this conflict, which has nothing to do with the Westerners' public, takes up such a significant part of their lives. There are countless other significantly worse conflicts, tremendously worse global problems (climate change, the lingering effects of COVID, resources dwindling for humanity as a whole, pollution, etc.), the heaps of domestic issues (especially in the US) - and this far away conflict in a piece of land smaller than some major world cities is the biggest focus of some of these peoples' lives.
This isn't whataboutism, I'm not saying people can't take an interest with issue X just because there exists a worse issue Y. The point is the amount of time people are spending on this vs. other issues, even if we put aside the fact that they are all ignorant, completely misinformed useful idiots.
These "activists" are fully investing their time in this completely irrelevant issue to them. I was just visiting the US, and I passed by a virtue-signaling house in Seattle. It had it all - BLM, pride flag, and others. All worthy causes. But those were all small signs on the side of the house, but on the front was a gigantic Palestinian flag with a gigantic "free Palestine" slogan as well. Really?! This is the issue you're spending energy on and bringing the most awareness to? Not BLM, not LGBT, both of which are incredibly relevant to you and your country? Do black people, your actual fellow countrymen, no longer face racism? Do LGBT not get harassed or suffer violence?
And let's not forget another big elephant in the room - none of them speak up at all against antisemitism. So what, human rights activists, but Jews Don't Count? Hell, forget speaking up - many of them ENDORSE violence against Jews (and as we've seen from many of their protests, they're just violent in general). Unbelievable hypocrites, so it's "Palestinians are not Hamas" on the one hand, but every single Jew on the planet is complicit in whatever blood libel you've concocted?
Like with Jews in general, their hatred of every single Israeli alive is also massively hypocritical and obviously vile and wrong. I've not seen a single people alive receive as much hate as we do purely based on our nationality. Even those other nations that experience such hate online, it'd usually be isolated to receiving it from whatever nation they are in conflict with. Are Russian immigrants expected to give answers about the war? Do Chinese immigrants get hate for their government's actions? And so on.
I'm 35 years old and a computer nerd, and pretty much since I can remember myself, I would receive hate and contempt online just for mentioning I'm Israeli. Whenever we would take a trip abroad, my parents would make sure to tell us to always say we're from some other country if asked. Do you have any idea what an impact this has on a kid, growing up knowing he needs to be afraid to mention where he is? How difficult it was to understand why people might harm us when I'm just a kid, never did anything to anyone in my short life?
The amount of propaganda out there is just astonishing. It is mostly driven by Iran, Russia, and Qatar. It is extremely hard to fight this with such a small country as Israel, especially when our PR is disastrous and more often than not, it's regular people who do the job instead of officials. And Westerners eat it up, as well as apply their local race politics (mostly Americans) to the conflict when it has nothing to do with it, not to mention how they're completely unaware that even if it was relevant, the majority of Israelis are Mizrahi Jews, "brown" as Americans love to say, and on the flip side a sizeable amount of Palestinians are white skinned themselves, hell a lot of Levantines are like Syrians and Lebanese. Druze are basically 100% levantine and are pretty white skinned. Anyway, yeah, skin color has nothing to do with it, which is probably head error-inducing for Americans used to making it all about race.
It's depressing. And it honestly seems hopeless to battle it, we can't stand up to the incredible propaganda machine working against us constantly. Couple it with people generally prone to fall for populist rubbish and be ignorant in general, it's a losing battle.
2024.05.14 11:29 aeronauticalingrid AITA for refusing to take care of financially irresponsible father in his old age
My mum married my broke father on the premise of his ‘potential’ - surprise surprise potential is only of value when it translates into reality. They also foolishly decided that she would be a housewife and have 3 kids which definitely didn’t make things any better.
Both of them argued a lot about money when my siblings and I were growing up, often shouting at us that it was our fault they were poor because of having to provide for us. (I mean that’s what you sign up for when you choose to have kids?)
They’re both now old (mid 60s) and still poor by my dad’s foolish financial decisions - whenever he would come into any little money as a sales agent, he would immediately go out and wilfully spend it on dumb things (just some of the examples are when he bought a car to donate to charity, or fruit baskets for the entire neighbourhood) just so he can bask in admiration of others and appear as successful and generous rather than saving and investing in tangible assets. He’s been heavily in debt all his life, bankrupt twice, and still hasn’t learnt his lesson.
My pitiful mother is reliant on him to throw any little pennies her way, and he does so while sneering at her for not dressing better nor beautifying herself for him - with what money? To go where? He has some audacity to talk when he’s fat, balding, has lost half his teeth and has his protruding belly hanging out. Although he doesn’t work now, he still orders my mum around the house ‘get me a glass of water’ ‘get me my shoes’ while he sits on the couch watching TV all day.
It would be different if my dad’s poor financial standing was from hard luck, uncontrolled circumstances which he was doing his best to mitigate, but I’ve told myself that when my dad starts to deteriorate, he’s on his own cos I couldn’t care less. After all, if he’s not even bothered to have the initiative for himself, why should anybody else.
submitted by aeronauticalingrid to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
Both of them argued a lot about money when my siblings and I were growing up, often shouting at us that it was our fault they were poor because of having to provide for us. (I mean that’s what you sign up for when you choose to have kids?)
They’re both now old (mid 60s) and still poor by my dad’s foolish financial decisions - whenever he would come into any little money as a sales agent, he would immediately go out and wilfully spend it on dumb things (just some of the examples are when he bought a car to donate to charity, or fruit baskets for the entire neighbourhood) just so he can bask in admiration of others and appear as successful and generous rather than saving and investing in tangible assets. He’s been heavily in debt all his life, bankrupt twice, and still hasn’t learnt his lesson.
My pitiful mother is reliant on him to throw any little pennies her way, and he does so while sneering at her for not dressing better nor beautifying herself for him - with what money? To go where? He has some audacity to talk when he’s fat, balding, has lost half his teeth and has his protruding belly hanging out. Although he doesn’t work now, he still orders my mum around the house ‘get me a glass of water’ ‘get me my shoes’ while he sits on the couch watching TV all day.
It would be different if my dad’s poor financial standing was from hard luck, uncontrolled circumstances which he was doing his best to mitigate, but I’ve told myself that when my dad starts to deteriorate, he’s on his own cos I couldn’t care less. After all, if he’s not even bothered to have the initiative for himself, why should anybody else.
2024.05.14 11:29 nuggets-and-cheese Is my (23f) boyfriend (23m) a red flag? Based on his behavior in relation to smoking weed and studies.
Hello everyone,
my english isn't that good but I hope you'll understand.
I never wanted to make this kind of post but after this morning I think I really need an opinion from people who don't know us.
So, we've been together for almost 2 years. When I first got to know him he was already studying (I think 1-2 years in) and smoking weed. A lot. I didn't mind because I was smoking, too.
Here is what bothers me the most: when he didn't pass an exam he always said "I've got 2 more tries on this one" or he would even move some exams into the future. I can understand that the stress studying puts you in can be heavy and moving exams into the future or not always passing them on the first try isn't that bad. I really understand. The problem is that when I got to know him (2 years ago) he said he will be finished in 2 years (so this year). But that isn't the case. He is passing his exams but not everyone.
The case is that he somehow mixed something up or missed something, honestly I don't know what the problem was, but he screwed something up and had to kind of change the course of his studies. It's still almost the same and it's not starting from the bottom but he had to change some courses I think.
The thing is, I told him that I think it's because he smokes too much weed. He smokes everyday at least 1-2 joints, in some phases even 2-3 or more. I cut smoking to maybe 2 times per week. The difference is, I'm working and it doesn't affect me. When I smoked much more I still passed my exams with good grades and I can go without smoking for days or even weeks, I don't need it in my live. I only smoke when I'm with him and even then not every time it's rare.
I really think the smoking is affecting him but he always said it's not because of that and once he said if I try to put myself between him and weed, it won't work. I don't even want this. He can smoke, but maybe he is the kind of person that can't do both? You know, like smoking weed and still doing your business - both won't work out for some people I guess.
He works besides University and never misses a work day, just to mention.
It just bothers me so much that there is like no end for his studying, he says next year he's finished but I don't know. He smokes before we eat, he smokes before an event and if I point it out he says "that's how you got to know me".... am I overreacting or is there an honest problem? This morning he slept in again and missed his course. He rarely goes to the university he does it from home or sometimes online but I don't think that's normal? He even smokes when he's in university ... if he goes.
Another thing is that he drove when he smoked. He always said he can do it but I hated it. It still affects your mind and vision.... even if it was 2 hours ago.
I don't know what to do. I enjoy smoking too but I can say that I don't need it and I am still able to go to work or whatever. (I don't smoke before work I just mean that it doesn't affect me the next day or so).
I honestly can't stand it anymore, I don't know what to think about all this. I'm afraid that I'm ignoring warning signs in relation to his smoking behavior. Why do you need to smoke before every thing you're going to do? Almost everything...
submitted by nuggets-and-cheese to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
my english isn't that good but I hope you'll understand.
I never wanted to make this kind of post but after this morning I think I really need an opinion from people who don't know us.
So, we've been together for almost 2 years. When I first got to know him he was already studying (I think 1-2 years in) and smoking weed. A lot. I didn't mind because I was smoking, too.
Here is what bothers me the most: when he didn't pass an exam he always said "I've got 2 more tries on this one" or he would even move some exams into the future. I can understand that the stress studying puts you in can be heavy and moving exams into the future or not always passing them on the first try isn't that bad. I really understand. The problem is that when I got to know him (2 years ago) he said he will be finished in 2 years (so this year). But that isn't the case. He is passing his exams but not everyone.
The case is that he somehow mixed something up or missed something, honestly I don't know what the problem was, but he screwed something up and had to kind of change the course of his studies. It's still almost the same and it's not starting from the bottom but he had to change some courses I think.
The thing is, I told him that I think it's because he smokes too much weed. He smokes everyday at least 1-2 joints, in some phases even 2-3 or more. I cut smoking to maybe 2 times per week. The difference is, I'm working and it doesn't affect me. When I smoked much more I still passed my exams with good grades and I can go without smoking for days or even weeks, I don't need it in my live. I only smoke when I'm with him and even then not every time it's rare.
I really think the smoking is affecting him but he always said it's not because of that and once he said if I try to put myself between him and weed, it won't work. I don't even want this. He can smoke, but maybe he is the kind of person that can't do both? You know, like smoking weed and still doing your business - both won't work out for some people I guess.
He works besides University and never misses a work day, just to mention.
It just bothers me so much that there is like no end for his studying, he says next year he's finished but I don't know. He smokes before we eat, he smokes before an event and if I point it out he says "that's how you got to know me".... am I overreacting or is there an honest problem? This morning he slept in again and missed his course. He rarely goes to the university he does it from home or sometimes online but I don't think that's normal? He even smokes when he's in university ... if he goes.
Another thing is that he drove when he smoked. He always said he can do it but I hated it. It still affects your mind and vision.... even if it was 2 hours ago.
I don't know what to do. I enjoy smoking too but I can say that I don't need it and I am still able to go to work or whatever. (I don't smoke before work I just mean that it doesn't affect me the next day or so).
I honestly can't stand it anymore, I don't know what to think about all this. I'm afraid that I'm ignoring warning signs in relation to his smoking behavior. Why do you need to smoke before every thing you're going to do? Almost everything...
2024.05.14 11:23 olls_9 I just feel so alone.
I’ve always struggled to make friends, and I’ve never really felt like I fitted in anywhere, but I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now. I go to work, come home, feel lonely, go to bed, then repeat. I can’t go through life spending the rest of my days feeling like this.
I’m in a completely different situation to where I thought I’d be at 23. In some ways, things have turned out better, but in other ways, they’re a lot worse. I’m trying to get on my own two feet, but my future feels pretty bleak and lonely with the way things are.
I work a minimum wage job in retail, which I enjoy at times, but it’s not something I want to do forever. Right now I think having a job makes me one of the lucky ones. A job is better than no job. I know my job is important, as I need to earn a living, but I have a non existent social life. I know that the answer is to try and meet new people, but I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never liked drinking or clubbing, which is what most people my age like to do. An enjoyable day out for me would be something like going to the cinema, or taking a walk along the beach, but I’m not going to meet people by doing these things. Most of my hobbies are things I can do by myself, and even with something like video games, I prefer to play alone as it’s my downtime activity to relax. I know there’s sites like meetup that have organised groups to meet people, but I work shifts for my job, and it’s very rare I’m off on a weekend. I’m not going to be able to meet people I could eventually hang out with on an individual basis, who would make plans with me around work, if I can’t show up to the groups in the first place.
I’ve tried to make friends online, but as I’m sure a lot of you have experienced, ghosting is a common problem. I’m not giving up, but I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to put myself out there, but not spending too much time searching. I’ve spent too long on the likes of Reddit looking to see if there’s anyone like me, but then feeling awful and more alone because I haven’t found it.
I do struggle with socialising a bit, but I’m determined to not let that hold me back. I’ve always been a quiet and introverted person, until I get to know someone well. I think it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed due to past experiences that I feel like running a mile when someone new talks to me. My brain convinces me that I’m better off on my own than being vulnerable with someone and getting hurt, but deep down, I’d love to talk to someone. The idea of walking into a room full of new people and introducing myself absolutely terrifies me. My job has forced me to come out of my shell to a point, and even just small talk with customers makes me feel like I’m improving my social skills. However, even with colleagues who I’ve now known for over six months, I’m still planning my next response in a conversation or worrying whether I’ve said the right thing or not. I tend to trip over my words, but the more I try to correct it, the more my sentence just sounds like a bunch of noises. I’m also someone who goes red the more someone stares. I’m scared I come across as this awkward, pathetic kid, and I’m conscious that some colleagues sometimes seem to be more laughing at me than with me.
I’m also a trans guy and asexual. The dating pool is therefore already massively reduced, which is made worse by me being trans. Being trans has been the most isolating experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship, and despite being asexual, I would like some romance and someone to make some memories with. I also feel like the older I get, the more it will look like a red flag if I haven’t ever been with anyone. There’s no local groups for ace people, but I’ve tried online in various ace specific places. Despite being in the UK, which is small compared to the likes of places like the US, most people seem to be down south near London, whereas I’m up in the north. When you’re already part of such a small minority, it feels even worse when you’re then alienated from that community.
The problem is, you start to convince yourself after a while that there’s something wrong with you. If everyone else has friends and partners, and not you, you’re clearly the problem, right? The amount of times I’ve felt unwanted, unloveable, and invisible because no one has given me the time of day is too many to count. I try my best to be nice to people I encounter both on and offline, because I often think how nice it would be if someone just sat down and was genuinely interested in me and what I had to say.
I often wonder why I’m trying to build a life for myself. I don’t want to live if I’m just going to be doing everything alone. I know some people are perfectly happy on their own, and I respect that, but that’s no life for me. I’m getting pretty fed up of people saying ‘You’re young, you’ll meet someone.’ I have no one. I’m so scared I’m go to go through this life alone and die alone. I know I’m not very optimistic, but you start wondering after a while if things are ever going to change.
submitted by olls_9 to lonely [link] [comments]
I’m in a completely different situation to where I thought I’d be at 23. In some ways, things have turned out better, but in other ways, they’re a lot worse. I’m trying to get on my own two feet, but my future feels pretty bleak and lonely with the way things are.
I work a minimum wage job in retail, which I enjoy at times, but it’s not something I want to do forever. Right now I think having a job makes me one of the lucky ones. A job is better than no job. I know my job is important, as I need to earn a living, but I have a non existent social life. I know that the answer is to try and meet new people, but I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never liked drinking or clubbing, which is what most people my age like to do. An enjoyable day out for me would be something like going to the cinema, or taking a walk along the beach, but I’m not going to meet people by doing these things. Most of my hobbies are things I can do by myself, and even with something like video games, I prefer to play alone as it’s my downtime activity to relax. I know there’s sites like meetup that have organised groups to meet people, but I work shifts for my job, and it’s very rare I’m off on a weekend. I’m not going to be able to meet people I could eventually hang out with on an individual basis, who would make plans with me around work, if I can’t show up to the groups in the first place.
I’ve tried to make friends online, but as I’m sure a lot of you have experienced, ghosting is a common problem. I’m not giving up, but I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to put myself out there, but not spending too much time searching. I’ve spent too long on the likes of Reddit looking to see if there’s anyone like me, but then feeling awful and more alone because I haven’t found it.
I do struggle with socialising a bit, but I’m determined to not let that hold me back. I’ve always been a quiet and introverted person, until I get to know someone well. I think it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed due to past experiences that I feel like running a mile when someone new talks to me. My brain convinces me that I’m better off on my own than being vulnerable with someone and getting hurt, but deep down, I’d love to talk to someone. The idea of walking into a room full of new people and introducing myself absolutely terrifies me. My job has forced me to come out of my shell to a point, and even just small talk with customers makes me feel like I’m improving my social skills. However, even with colleagues who I’ve now known for over six months, I’m still planning my next response in a conversation or worrying whether I’ve said the right thing or not. I tend to trip over my words, but the more I try to correct it, the more my sentence just sounds like a bunch of noises. I’m also someone who goes red the more someone stares. I’m scared I come across as this awkward, pathetic kid, and I’m conscious that some colleagues sometimes seem to be more laughing at me than with me.
I’m also a trans guy and asexual. The dating pool is therefore already massively reduced, which is made worse by me being trans. Being trans has been the most isolating experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship, and despite being asexual, I would like some romance and someone to make some memories with. I also feel like the older I get, the more it will look like a red flag if I haven’t ever been with anyone. There’s no local groups for ace people, but I’ve tried online in various ace specific places. Despite being in the UK, which is small compared to the likes of places like the US, most people seem to be down south near London, whereas I’m up in the north. When you’re already part of such a small minority, it feels even worse when you’re then alienated from that community.
The problem is, you start to convince yourself after a while that there’s something wrong with you. If everyone else has friends and partners, and not you, you’re clearly the problem, right? The amount of times I’ve felt unwanted, unloveable, and invisible because no one has given me the time of day is too many to count. I try my best to be nice to people I encounter both on and offline, because I often think how nice it would be if someone just sat down and was genuinely interested in me and what I had to say.
I often wonder why I’m trying to build a life for myself. I don’t want to live if I’m just going to be doing everything alone. I know some people are perfectly happy on their own, and I respect that, but that’s no life for me. I’m getting pretty fed up of people saying ‘You’re young, you’ll meet someone.’ I have no one. I’m so scared I’m go to go through this life alone and die alone. I know I’m not very optimistic, but you start wondering after a while if things are ever going to change.
2024.05.14 11:23 olls_9 I just feel so alone.
I’ve always struggled to make friends, and I’ve never really felt like I fitted in anywhere, but I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now. I go to work, come home, feel lonely, go to bed, then repeat. I can’t go through life spending the rest of my days feeling like this.
I’m in a completely different situation to where I thought I’d be at 23. In some ways, things have turned out better, but in other ways, they’re a lot worse. I’m trying to get on my own two feet, but my future feels pretty bleak and lonely with the way things are.
I work a minimum wage job in retail, which I enjoy at times, but it’s not something I want to do forever. Right now I think having a job makes me one of the lucky ones. A job is better than no job. I know my job is important, as I need to earn a living, but I have a non existent social life. I know that the answer is to try and meet new people, but I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never liked drinking or clubbing, which is what most people my age like to do. An enjoyable day out for me would be something like going to the cinema, or taking a walk along the beach, but I’m not going to meet people by doing these things. Most of my hobbies are things I can do by myself, and even with something like video games, I prefer to play alone as it’s my downtime activity to relax. I know there’s sites like meetup that have organised groups to meet people, but I work shifts for my job, and it’s very rare I’m off on a weekend. I’m not going to be able to meet people I could eventually hang out with on an individual basis, who would make plans with me around work, if I can’t show up to the groups in the first place.
I’ve tried to make friends online, but as I’m sure a lot of you have experienced, ghosting is a common problem. I’m not giving up, but I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to put myself out there, but not spending too much time searching. I’ve spent too long on the likes of Reddit looking to see if there’s anyone like me, but then feeling awful and more alone because I haven’t found it.
I do struggle with socialising a bit, but I’m determined to not let that hold me back. I’ve always been a quiet and introverted person, until I get to know someone well. I think it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed due to past experiences that I feel like running a mile when someone new talks to me. My brain convinces me that I’m better off on my own than being vulnerable with someone and getting hurt, but deep down, I’d love to talk to someone. The idea of walking into a room full of new people and introducing myself absolutely terrifies me. My job has forced me to come out of my shell to a point, and even just small talk with customers makes me feel like I’m improving my social skills. However, even with colleagues who I’ve now known for over six months, I’m still planning my next response in a conversation or worrying whether I’ve said the right thing or not. I tend to trip over my words, but the more I try to correct it, the more my sentence just sounds like a bunch of noises. I’m also someone who goes red the more someone stares. I’m scared I come across as this awkward, pathetic kid, and I’m conscious that some colleagues sometimes seem to be more laughing at me than with me.
I’m also a trans guy and asexual. The dating pool is therefore already massively reduced, which is made worse by me being trans. Being trans has been the most isolating experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship, and despite being asexual, I would like some romance and someone to make some memories with. I also feel like the older I get, the more it will look like a red flag if I haven’t ever been with anyone. There’s no local groups for ace people, but I’ve tried online in various ace specific places. Despite being in the UK, which is small compared to the likes of places like the US, most people seem to be down south near London, whereas I’m up in the north. When you’re already part of such a small minority, it feels even worse when you’re then alienated from that community.
The problem is, you start to convince yourself after a while that there’s something wrong with you. If everyone else has friends and partners, and not you, you’re clearly the problem, right? The amount of times I’ve felt unwanted, unloveable, and invisible because no one has given me the time of day is too many to count. I try my best to be nice to people I encounter both on and offline, because I often think how nice it would be if someone just sat down and was genuinely interested in me and what I had to say.
I often wonder why I’m trying to build a life for myself. I don’t want to live if I’m just going to be doing everything alone. I know some people are perfectly happy on their own, and I respect that, but that’s no life for me. I’m getting pretty fed up of people saying ‘You’re young, you’ll meet someone.’ I have no one. I’m so scared I’m go to go through this life alone and die alone. I know I’m not very optimistic, but you start wondering after a while if things are ever going to change.
submitted by olls_9 to loneliness [link] [comments]
I’m in a completely different situation to where I thought I’d be at 23. In some ways, things have turned out better, but in other ways, they’re a lot worse. I’m trying to get on my own two feet, but my future feels pretty bleak and lonely with the way things are.
I work a minimum wage job in retail, which I enjoy at times, but it’s not something I want to do forever. Right now I think having a job makes me one of the lucky ones. A job is better than no job. I know my job is important, as I need to earn a living, but I have a non existent social life. I know that the answer is to try and meet new people, but I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never liked drinking or clubbing, which is what most people my age like to do. An enjoyable day out for me would be something like going to the cinema, or taking a walk along the beach, but I’m not going to meet people by doing these things. Most of my hobbies are things I can do by myself, and even with something like video games, I prefer to play alone as it’s my downtime activity to relax. I know there’s sites like meetup that have organised groups to meet people, but I work shifts for my job, and it’s very rare I’m off on a weekend. I’m not going to be able to meet people I could eventually hang out with on an individual basis, who would make plans with me around work, if I can’t show up to the groups in the first place.
I’ve tried to make friends online, but as I’m sure a lot of you have experienced, ghosting is a common problem. I’m not giving up, but I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to put myself out there, but not spending too much time searching. I’ve spent too long on the likes of Reddit looking to see if there’s anyone like me, but then feeling awful and more alone because I haven’t found it.
I do struggle with socialising a bit, but I’m determined to not let that hold me back. I’ve always been a quiet and introverted person, until I get to know someone well. I think it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed due to past experiences that I feel like running a mile when someone new talks to me. My brain convinces me that I’m better off on my own than being vulnerable with someone and getting hurt, but deep down, I’d love to talk to someone. The idea of walking into a room full of new people and introducing myself absolutely terrifies me. My job has forced me to come out of my shell to a point, and even just small talk with customers makes me feel like I’m improving my social skills. However, even with colleagues who I’ve now known for over six months, I’m still planning my next response in a conversation or worrying whether I’ve said the right thing or not. I tend to trip over my words, but the more I try to correct it, the more my sentence just sounds like a bunch of noises. I’m also someone who goes red the more someone stares. I’m scared I come across as this awkward, pathetic kid, and I’m conscious that some colleagues sometimes seem to be more laughing at me than with me.
I’m also a trans guy and asexual. The dating pool is therefore already massively reduced, which is made worse by me being trans. Being trans has been the most isolating experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship, and despite being asexual, I would like some romance and someone to make some memories with. I also feel like the older I get, the more it will look like a red flag if I haven’t ever been with anyone. There’s no local groups for ace people, but I’ve tried online in various ace specific places. Despite being in the UK, which is small compared to the likes of places like the US, most people seem to be down south near London, whereas I’m up in the north. When you’re already part of such a small minority, it feels even worse when you’re then alienated from that community.
The problem is, you start to convince yourself after a while that there’s something wrong with you. If everyone else has friends and partners, and not you, you’re clearly the problem, right? The amount of times I’ve felt unwanted, unloveable, and invisible because no one has given me the time of day is too many to count. I try my best to be nice to people I encounter both on and offline, because I often think how nice it would be if someone just sat down and was genuinely interested in me and what I had to say.
I often wonder why I’m trying to build a life for myself. I don’t want to live if I’m just going to be doing everything alone. I know some people are perfectly happy on their own, and I respect that, but that’s no life for me. I’m getting pretty fed up of people saying ‘You’re young, you’ll meet someone.’ I have no one. I’m so scared I’m go to go through this life alone and die alone. I know I’m not very optimistic, but you start wondering after a while if things are ever going to change.
2024.05.14 11:22 olls_9 I just feel so alone.
I’ve always struggled to make friends, and I’ve never really felt like I fitted in anywhere, but I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now. I go to work, come home, feel lonely, go to bed, then repeat. I can’t go through life spending the rest of my days feeling like this.
I’m in a completely different situation to where I thought I’d be at 23. In some ways, things have turned out better, but in other ways, they’re a lot worse. I’m trying to get on my own two feet, but my future feels pretty bleak and lonely with the way things are.
I work a minimum wage job in retail, which I enjoy at times, but it’s not something I want to do forever. Right now I think having a job makes me one of the lucky ones. A job is better than no job. I know my job is important, as I need to earn a living, but I have a non existent social life. I know that the answer is to try and meet new people, but I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never liked drinking or clubbing, which is what most people my age like to do. An enjoyable day out for me would be something like going to the cinema, or taking a walk along the beach, but I’m not going to meet people by doing these things. Most of my hobbies are things I can do by myself, and even with something like video games, I prefer to play alone as it’s my downtime activity to relax. I know there’s sites like meetup that have organised groups to meet people, but I work shifts for my job, and it’s very rare I’m off on a weekend. I’m not going to be able to meet people I could eventually hang out with on an individual basis, who would make plans with me around work, if I can’t show up to the groups in the first place.
I’ve tried to make friends online, but as I’m sure a lot of you have experienced, ghosting is a common problem. I’m not giving up, but I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to put myself out there, but not spending too much time searching. I’ve spent too long on the likes of Reddit looking to see if there’s anyone like me, but then feeling awful and more alone because I haven’t found it.
I do struggle with socialising a bit, but I’m determined to not let that hold me back. I’ve always been a quiet and introverted person, until I get to know someone well. I think it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed due to past experiences that I feel like running a mile when someone new talks to me. My brain convinces me that I’m better off on my own than being vulnerable with someone and getting hurt, but deep down, I’d love to talk to someone. The idea of walking into a room full of new people and introducing myself absolutely terrifies me. My job has forced me to come out of my shell to a point, and even just small talk with customers makes me feel like I’m improving my social skills. However, even with colleagues who I’ve now known for over six months, I’m still planning my next response in a conversation or worrying whether I’ve said the right thing or not. I tend to trip over my words, but the more I try to correct it, the more my sentence just sounds like a bunch of noises. I’m also someone who goes red the more someone stares. I’m scared I come across as this awkward, pathetic kid, and I’m conscious that some colleagues sometimes seem to be more laughing at me than with me.
I’m also a trans guy and asexual. The dating pool is therefore already massively reduced, which is made worse by me being trans. Being trans has been the most isolating experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship, and despite being asexual, I would like some romance and someone to make some memories with. I also feel like the older I get, the more it will look like a red flag if I haven’t ever been with anyone. There’s no local groups for ace people, but I’ve tried online in various ace specific places. Despite being in the UK, which is small compared to the likes of places like the US, most people seem to be down south near London, whereas I’m up in the north. When you’re already part of such a small minority, it feels even worse when you’re then alienated from that community.
The problem is, you start to convince yourself after a while that there’s something wrong with you. If everyone else has friends and partners, and not you, you’re clearly the problem, right? The amount of times I’ve felt unwanted, unloveable, and invisible because no one has given me the time of day is too many to count. I try my best to be nice to people I encounter both on and offline, because I often think how nice it would be if someone just sat down and was genuinely interested in me and what I had to say.
I often wonder why I’m trying to build a life for myself. I don’t want to live if I’m just going to be doing everything alone. I know some people are perfectly happy on their own, and I respect that, but that’s no life for me. I’m getting pretty fed up of people saying ‘You’re young, you’ll meet someone.’ I have no one. I’m so scared I’m go to go through this life alone and die alone. I know I’m not very optimistic, but you start wondering after a while if things are ever going to change.
submitted by olls_9 to asexuality [link] [comments]
I’m in a completely different situation to where I thought I’d be at 23. In some ways, things have turned out better, but in other ways, they’re a lot worse. I’m trying to get on my own two feet, but my future feels pretty bleak and lonely with the way things are.
I work a minimum wage job in retail, which I enjoy at times, but it’s not something I want to do forever. Right now I think having a job makes me one of the lucky ones. A job is better than no job. I know my job is important, as I need to earn a living, but I have a non existent social life. I know that the answer is to try and meet new people, but I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never liked drinking or clubbing, which is what most people my age like to do. An enjoyable day out for me would be something like going to the cinema, or taking a walk along the beach, but I’m not going to meet people by doing these things. Most of my hobbies are things I can do by myself, and even with something like video games, I prefer to play alone as it’s my downtime activity to relax. I know there’s sites like meetup that have organised groups to meet people, but I work shifts for my job, and it’s very rare I’m off on a weekend. I’m not going to be able to meet people I could eventually hang out with on an individual basis, who would make plans with me around work, if I can’t show up to the groups in the first place.
I’ve tried to make friends online, but as I’m sure a lot of you have experienced, ghosting is a common problem. I’m not giving up, but I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to put myself out there, but not spending too much time searching. I’ve spent too long on the likes of Reddit looking to see if there’s anyone like me, but then feeling awful and more alone because I haven’t found it.
I do struggle with socialising a bit, but I’m determined to not let that hold me back. I’ve always been a quiet and introverted person, until I get to know someone well. I think it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed due to past experiences that I feel like running a mile when someone new talks to me. My brain convinces me that I’m better off on my own than being vulnerable with someone and getting hurt, but deep down, I’d love to talk to someone. The idea of walking into a room full of new people and introducing myself absolutely terrifies me. My job has forced me to come out of my shell to a point, and even just small talk with customers makes me feel like I’m improving my social skills. However, even with colleagues who I’ve now known for over six months, I’m still planning my next response in a conversation or worrying whether I’ve said the right thing or not. I tend to trip over my words, but the more I try to correct it, the more my sentence just sounds like a bunch of noises. I’m also someone who goes red the more someone stares. I’m scared I come across as this awkward, pathetic kid, and I’m conscious that some colleagues sometimes seem to be more laughing at me than with me.
I’m also a trans guy and asexual. The dating pool is therefore already massively reduced, which is made worse by me being trans. Being trans has been the most isolating experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship, and despite being asexual, I would like some romance and someone to make some memories with. I also feel like the older I get, the more it will look like a red flag if I haven’t ever been with anyone. There’s no local groups for ace people, but I’ve tried online in various ace specific places. Despite being in the UK, which is small compared to the likes of places like the US, most people seem to be down south near London, whereas I’m up in the north. When you’re already part of such a small minority, it feels even worse when you’re then alienated from that community.
The problem is, you start to convince yourself after a while that there’s something wrong with you. If everyone else has friends and partners, and not you, you’re clearly the problem, right? The amount of times I’ve felt unwanted, unloveable, and invisible because no one has given me the time of day is too many to count. I try my best to be nice to people I encounter both on and offline, because I often think how nice it would be if someone just sat down and was genuinely interested in me and what I had to say.
I often wonder why I’m trying to build a life for myself. I don’t want to live if I’m just going to be doing everything alone. I know some people are perfectly happy on their own, and I respect that, but that’s no life for me. I’m getting pretty fed up of people saying ‘You’re young, you’ll meet someone.’ I have no one. I’m so scared I’m go to go through this life alone and die alone. I know I’m not very optimistic, but you start wondering after a while if things are ever going to change.