Totally lost. This code printed values, but when I uploaded it to the board absolutely nothing. Checked past iterations of the code that printed earlier and nothing still. Entirely unsure of what to do, any ideas? /* @Author: Maclab @Date: 2024-02-06 11:59:09 @LastEditTime: 2020-12-18 14:14:35 @LastEditors: AJ<3 @Description: Smart Robot Car V4.0 @FilePath: */ #include  //#include  #include  #include  #include "DeviceDriverSet_xxx0.h" #include  #include "ArduinoJson-v6.11.1.h" //ArduinoJson #include "MPU6050_getdata.h" //#include "UltrasoundByWill.h"*/ #include  extern "C" { #include "FinalTest.h" #include "FinalTest_private.h" #include "FinalTest_types.h" } /*Hardware device object list*/ MPU6050_getdata AppMPU6050getdata; DeviceDriverSet_RBGLED AppRBG_LED; DeviceDriverSet_Key AppKey; DeviceDriverSet_ITR20001 AppITR20001; DeviceDriverSet_Voltage AppVoltage; DeviceDriverSet_Motor AppMotor; DeviceDriverSet_ULTRASONIC AppULTRASONIC; DeviceDriverSet_Servo AppServo; //DeviceDriverSet_IRrecv AppIRrecv; /*f(x) int */ static boolean function_xxx(long x, long s, long e) //f(x) { if (s <= x && x <= e) return true; else return false; } static void delay_xxx(uint16_t _ms) { wdt_reset(); for (unsigned long i = 0; i < _ms; i++) { delay(1); } } void ApplicationFunctions_Init(void) { bool res_error = true; AppVoltage.DeviceDriverSet_Voltage_Init(); AppMotor.DeviceDriverSet_Motor_Init(); AppServo.DeviceDriverSet_Servo_Init(90); AppKey.DeviceDriverSet_Key_Init(); AppRBG_LED.DeviceDriverSet_RBGLED_Init(20); //AppIRrecv.DeviceDriverSet_IRrecv_Init(); AppULTRASONIC.DeviceDriverSet_ULTRASONIC_Init(); AppITR20001.DeviceDriverSet_ITR20001_Init(); //res_error = AppMPU6050getdata.MPU6050_dveInit(); //AppMPU6050getdata.MPU6050_calibration(); // Intialize DemoWeek 5 Parameters //FinalTest_P.controlEN = true; //FinalTest_P.dir_MA = true; //FinalTest_P.dir_MB = true; //FinalTest_P.speed_MA = 128; //FinalTest_P.speed_MB = 64; } // Initialize some variables float Yaw; // yaw angle from the IMU int IRSensL; // Left IR sensor int IRSensM; // Middle IR sensor int IRSensR; // Right IR sensor uint8_t keyValue; // key value float device_voltage; // pin voltage uint16_t ultrasonic_fb; // ultrasonic reading bool IRerror; // IR receive error uint8_t IRrecv_code; // IR receive code unsigned long previous_time = millis(); //for distance IR Sensor const int pinIRd2 = 25; const int pinIRa2 = A0; const int pinLED2 = 9; int IRvalueA2 = 0; int IRvalueD2 = 0; /* Motor Inputs */ bool dirMA; bool dirMB; bool motEN; uint8_t PWMA; uint8_t PWMB; int Servo1_Output, Servo2_Output, Servo3_Output; #define Servo1Pin 44 #define Servo2Pin 45 #define Servo3Pin 46 #include  Servo servo1; Servo servo2; Servo servo3; #define IR_LEFTMOST_PIN A8 #define IR_RIGHTMOST_PIN A9 #define Button_PIN 18 #define MAX_DISTANCE 200 // Button-related variables int dropOffButton = 0; static int lastButtonState = HIGH; static unsigned long lastDebounceTime = 0; const unsigned long debounceDelay = 50; NewPing sonar(TRIG_PIN, ECHO_PIN, MAX_DISTANCE); void setup() { FinalTest_initialize(); Serial.begin(9600); ApplicationFunctions_Init(); /*UltrasoundInit();*/ //pinMode(Servo1Pin,OUTPUT); //pinMode(Servo2Pin,OUTPUT); //pinMode(Servo3Pin,OUTPUT); servo1.attach(Servo1Pin); servo2.attach(Servo2Pin); servo3.attach(Servo3Pin); pinMode(IR_LEFTMOST_PIN, INPUT); pinMode(IR_RIGHTMOST_PIN, INPUT); pinMode(Button_PIN, INPUT); FinalTest_P.PWMsl_l = 200; // range = 0-> 255 (uint8) baseline 200,50,50,200 2baseline 200,150,150,200 3baseline 180,150,150,180 FinalTest_P.PWMsl_r = 180; FinalTest_P.PWMsr_l = 180; FinalTest_P.PWMsr_r = 200; pinMode(pinIRd2,INPUT); pinMode(pinIRa2,INPUT); pinMode(pinLED2,OUTPUT); //attachInterrupt(digitalPinToInterrupt(Button_PIN),ButtonStuff,RISING); /* Interrupt Initialization TCCR1A = 0; TCCR1B = B00010010; //CNCx ICESx – WGMx3 WGMx2 CSx2 CSx1 CSx0 ICR1 = 20000; // Set Timer Interrupt 100 Hz. If you want 100*(10)= 1 kHz, just put ICR1=10000/(10)=1000, Similarly, using 2000 will produce 500 Hz //Note: Be sure the timer interrupt frequency matches with the simulink block diagram. Otherwise, the "after" function in simulink or any other functions related to time won't be accurate. TIMSK1 = B00000001; // Enable Timer Interrupt */ } unsigned long PreT = 0; /* unsigned long UltraSoundTime = 0; bool UltraSoundWaiting = false; int UltrasoundDis = 0; int UltraSoundChecking() { if (!UltraSoundWaiting) { digitalWrite(TRIG_PIN, LOW); delayMicroseconds(2); digitalWrite(TRIG_PIN, HIGH); delayMicroseconds(10); digitalWrite(TRIG_PIN, LOW); //while(!digitalRead(ECHO_PIN)){} delay(1); UltraSoundTime = millis(); UltraSoundWaiting = 1; } else { if (!digitalRead(ECHO_PIN)) { UltrasoundDis = (millis() - UltraSoundTime) / 58; UltraSoundWaiting = 0; } } return UltrasoundDis; } */ int DebugNum; // ISR(TIMER1_OVF_vect){ // } void loop() { //Serial.print("T:"); if (millis() - PreT >= 10) // Runs at 100 Hz { //Serial.println(millis() - PreT); PreT = millis(); //delay(50); // Wait 50ms between pings (about 20 pings/sec). 29ms should be the shortest delay between pings. //Serial.print("Ping: "); //Serial.print(sonar.ping_cm()); // Send ping, get distance in cm and print result (0 = outside set distance range) //Serial.println("cm"); // put your main code here, to run repeatedly: //AppMPU6050getdata.MPU6050_dveGetEulerAngles(&Yaw); // Get vehicle orientation IRSensL = AppITR20001.DeviceDriverSet_ITR20001_getAnaloguexxx_L(); IRSensM = AppITR20001.DeviceDriverSet_ITR20001_getAnaloguexxx_M(); IRSensR = AppITR20001.DeviceDriverSet_ITR20001_getAnaloguexxx_R(); AppKey.DeviceDriverSet_key_Get(&keyValue); //device_voltage = AppVoltage.DeviceDriverSet_Voltage_getAnalogue(); //AppULTRASONIC.DeviceDriverSet_ULTRASONIC_Get(&ultrasonic_fb); //AppIRrecv.DeviceDriverSet_IRrecv_Get(&IRrecv_code); /* Send fb data to Simulink Module */ FinalTest_U.IRSensL_in = IRSensL; FinalTest_U.IRSensM_in = IRSensM; FinalTest_U.IRSensR_in = IRSensR; //DemoWeek5_U.VoltageDetect_in = device_voltage; //FinalTest_U.UltraSensor_in = ultrasonic_fb; FinalTest_U.UltraSensor_in = sonar.ping_cm(); FinalTest_U.IRkeyCode_in = keyValue; //DemoWeek5_U.MPU6050IMU_yaw_in= Yaw; //DemoWeek5_U.IRSensorCode_in = IRrecv_code; FinalTest_U.IR_LEFTMOST_in = analogRead(IR_LEFTMOST_PIN); FinalTest_U.IR_RIGHTMOST_in = analogRead(IR_RIGHTMOST_PIN); FinalTest_U.dropOffButton = dropOffButton/2; //IR Distance IRvalueA2 = analogRead(pinIRa2); IRvalueD2 = digitalRead(pinIRd2); FinalTest_U.IR_DISTANCE_in = digitalRead(pinIRd2); // Read and debounce the button int buttonState = digitalRead(Button_PIN); if (buttonState != lastButtonState) { lastDebounceTime = millis(); lastButtonState = buttonState; dropOffButton++; } // if ((millis() - lastDebounceTime) > debounceDelay) { // if (buttonState == LOW && lastButtonState == HIGH) { // dropOffButton++; // Serial.print("Button Pressed! Count: "); // Serial.println(dropOffButton); // } // } //lastButtonState = buttonState; /* Step Simulink Module*/ FinalTest_step(); /* Extract outputs from Simulink Module */ PWMA = FinalTest_Y.PWMA; PWMB = FinalTest_Y.PWMB; motEN = FinalTest_Y.MotorEN; dirMA = FinalTest_Y.dirMA; dirMB = FinalTest_Y.dirMB; Servo1_Output = FinalTest_Y.servo1; Servo2_Output = FinalTest_Y.servo2; Servo3_Output = FinalTest_Y.servo3; DebugNum = FinalTest_Y.A; /* Send commands to actuators */ AppMotor.DeviceDriverSet_Motor_control(dirMA, PWMA, dirMB, PWMB , motEN); //AppMotor.DeviceDriverSet_Motor_control(1, 0, 1, 0 , 1); servo1.write(Servo1_Output); servo2.write(Servo2_Output); servo3.write(Servo3_Output); } /* Verify remaining outputs */ if (millis() - previous_time >= 1000) { // Print things here Serial.print(IRSensL); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(IRSensR); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(IRSensM); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(FinalTest_U.IR_LEFTMOST_in); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(FinalTest_U.IR_RIGHTMOST_in); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(FinalTest_U.UltraSensor_in); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(FinalTest_U.IR_DISTANCE_in); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(keyValue); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(DebugNum); Serial.print("\t"); Serial.print(dropOffButton/2); Serial.print("\n"); previous_time = millis(); } } //void ButtonStuff(){ //dropOffButton+=1; //delay(100); //} 

I'm a long term sub and have had the same class all year. Every now and then I'd play something like a tv show on youtube for the last 15 minutes but there are so many blocks that I can't play movies. We have smart boards in our room, no TVs, our own computers are censored so I can't play much on there either but today I tried to play a movie from YouTube which was shared from my computer and it showed a black screen with only the sound. My computer played it just fine but the smart board wouldn't show it. Other teachers have DVD players but I can't afford to buy a DVD player and dvds for just the last week of school. I did try to find another movie but it seems a lot of them are broken up into small pieces and stop all together before they're done and those seem to be the only ones that will play. I considered trying to just bring my firestick and then using my phone as a hot spot for the fire stick but I'm afraid the screen will still black it out. How are teachers doing movie days without a DVD player? I'm just desperate for something to keep my students occupied while I'm working with my small groups.If anyone has even a link to a full movie that their smart board isn't blocking, that would be great.

Creakkk! I looked up and saw my daughter descending the stairs, her face dropped when she realized how loud the floor boards were below her feet. She’s holding up her shirt up using it to hold all her most valuable goods. I hear a door up stairs slam shut. She runs down the stairs clearly terrified of the man upstairs, she doesn’t care how loud her feet are anymore.
We hide inside a closet and make sure we have everything we need, phones, expensive jewelry, the extremely valuable pure breed dog my daughter is obsessed with, and most importantly the car keys.
From outside the door I hear the man trudging around aggressively, I peak out the keyhole and see what he’s holding, a large shotgun ready and loaded. I hold my daughter’s head to my chest, oh what would I do if this crazy man hurt my daughter. She’s only six, she doesn’t deserve this. It’s my fault she is in this position but I try to convince myself it isn’t.
I hear the man round the corner and we make a break for it, straight out the back door around the side of the house and to the car. We get in and start it up, zooming away in the brand new Mercedes. I am so glad to get away from the scary man. Just as I think we are free of him and start deciding where we should go from here. I hear the sound… the loud alarms trailing around the corner of a nearby street. I try to turn the car around and find a new escape route but it’s too late… red and blue lights surround my vision. How is it that I got caught? What will they do with my daughter? It’s not fair that he can own things like this car and she hasn’t eaten all day. How am I the one breaking the law?

Creakkk! I looked up and saw my daughter descending the stairs, her face dropped when she realized how loud the floor boards were below her feet. She’s holding up her shirt up using it to hold all her most valuable goods. I hear a door up stairs slam shut. She runs down the stairs clearly terrified of the man upstairs, she doesn’t care how loud her feet are anymore.
We hide inside a closet and make sure we have everything we need, phones, expensive jewelry, the extremely valuable pure breed dog my daughter is obsessed with, and most importantly the car keys.
From outside the door I hear the man trudging around aggressively, I peak out the keyhole and see what he’s holding, a large shotgun ready and loaded. I hold my daughter’s head to my chest, oh what would I do if this crazy man hurt my daughter. She’s only six, she doesn’t deserve this. It’s my fault she is in this position but I try to convince myself it isn’t.
I hear the man round the corner and we make a break for it, straight out the back door around the side of the house and to the car. We get in and start it up, zooming away in the brand new Mercedes. I am so glad to get away from the scary man. Just as I think we are free of him and start deciding where we should go from here. I hear the sound… the loud alarms trailing around the corner of a nearby street. I try to turn the car around and find a new escape route but it’s too late… red and blue lights surround my vision. How is it that I got caught? What will they do with my daughter? It’s not fair that he can own things like this car and she hasn’t eaten all day. How am I the one breaking the law?

Creakkk! I looked up and saw my daughter descending the stairs, her face dropped when she realized how loud the floor boards were below her feet. She’s holding up her shirt up using it to hold all her most valuable goods. I hear a door up stairs slam shut. She runs down the stairs clearly terrified of the man upstairs, she doesn’t care how loud her feet are anymore.
We hide inside a closet and make sure we have everything we need, phones, expensive jewelry, the extremely valuable pure breed dog my daughter is obsessed with, and most importantly the car keys.
From outside the door I hear the man trudging around aggressively, I peak out the keyhole and see what he’s holding, a large shotgun ready and loaded. I hold my daughter’s head to my chest, oh what would I do if this crazy man hurt my daughter. She’s only six, she doesn’t deserve this. It’s my fault she is in this position but I try to convince myself it isn’t.
I hear the man round the corner and we make a break for it, straight out the back door around the side of the house and to the car. We get in and start it up, zooming away in the brand new Mercedes. I am so glad to get away from the scary man. Just as I think we are free of him and start deciding where we should go from here. I hear the sound… the loud alarms trailing around the corner of a nearby street. I try to turn the car around and find a new escape route but it’s too late… red and blue lights surround my vision. How is it that I got caught? What will they do with my daughter? It’s not fair that he can own things like this car and she hasn’t eaten all day. How am I the one breaking the law?

Hey everyone!
So, I read through the replies from the last thread and am so thankful for the advice. It was really eyeopening how insightful everyone was. Because truly I wasn't sure what this guy's deal was. So the goal of this date was to get more info like others suggested.
Anyway, we went on our third date and it was kind of interesting. He took me to an upscale restaurant, the kind where the waitstaff put the napkin in your lap for you haha. I think he could tell I was still a bit...cautious? So anyway he asked me if something was up, guess he could sense it. I did tell him I was a little skeptical about his situation so he did open up to me, which was kind of eye opening.
He told me he's always been passionate about art, studied it in school, and then after school went to go work for his family's company in the marketing department (he helped with their ads). He spent a few years doing that, but said it wasn't what he wanted to do, didn't like the office culture and felt out of place since the relationships were so fake since people knew who he was. So he quit and pursued art. He showed me his little art website (it was kind of cute haha), and told me he doesn't make any money from it and was a struggling artist, we shared a laughed which was nice.
But then he said he isn't totally inactive with the business, he attends the shareholder meeting every year, and he's on the board of their foundation and helps with coordinating donations(showed me the website with his name/picture listed). He shared a couple of the cool donations he helped with from around the world and he seemed really passionate about it. He didn't tell me before because "that's not really work" and he spends more time traveling and painting/art.
Anyway it was a nice dinner, he paid and then asked if I wanted to go on another date to paint some little ceramics at a small place in the city. He promised it's not to show off because in his words "I suck at painting". It sounds like a cute date so I think I'm up for it.

Hey there!
Long time bass player and finally have the money to put down for some pedals and looking to build my first board.
I currently use an Acoustic B300 HD head to a Fender Bassman Pro 4x10 cab with a Shure GLXD 16+ wireless.
So far what I want to get for my setup is:
Voodoo Lab Pedal Power 2 Plus: https://www.sweetwater.com/store/detail/PedalPwr2Pls--voodoo-lab-pedal-power-2-plus-8-output-isolated-guitar-pedal-power-supply
Ernie Ball VP Jr Volume Pedal: https://www.sweetwater.com/store/detail/EB6180--ernie-ball-6180-vp-jr-250k-volume-pedal-for-passive-electronics
Dunlop MXR Bass Compressor M87: https://www.sweetwater.com/store/detail/BassComp--mxr-m87-bass-compressor-pedal
Electro-Harmonix Deluxe Bass Big Muff Pi: https://www.sweetwater.com/store/detail/BigMuffBassDlx--electro-harmonix-deluxe-bass-big-muff-pi-bass-fuzz-pedal
Tech 21 SansAmp Bass Driver: https://www.sweetwater.com/store/detail/BassDriverV2--tech-21-sansamp-bass-driver-di-v2
Any suggestions, or any feedback would be awesome! I was looking to later upgrade my stack but just want to see what my current setup would sound like with these behind it.

Please keep in mind these are REAL dream I’ve had. I’m 20 years old. I had a dream one time that I was summoning ufos through my mind. However I started to realize in the dream this is a bad idea. As I’m going through the dream, all of a sudden I hear a very very scary siren type of sound. This is coming from the sky. Immediately after that a huge swarm of ufos covered the sky. I knew it felt like the end of the world. I just had a strong feeling in the dream. After that heavenly angels started swarming out of the sky. One angel in particular went right above my head, grabbed my hand, and took me right through the sky, then the dream ended. This made me think this turned into a rapture dream. Another dream I had, again this is no joke!! is a shape shifting blue alien who turned into humans twice, literally burnt me on fire alive. This alien strikingly had the exact head shape of an arcturian with a long and pretty wide head. (I had no idea what arcturians were before this) I knew in the dream I was completely surrounded by NHI. There NHI seemed to have malicious spiritual energy. I wish I was kidding about that dream, but I was very scared as I was literally in flames in the dream. My last dream I will talk about is I was on board a saucer that beamed me from land and I transported into a ufo. I was sitting in ufo craft in a steel chair and I couldn’t move. I could hear all these technologically advanced sounds in the background. I was paralyzed. I found it very interesting lots of ufo abduction testimony says they were in a steel chair. I had no knowledge of this prior to the dream These were very realistic dreams and SCARY! Thought this forum would be a good one to let y’all know my dreams. I have had a fair share of paranormal things happen to me when I am not dreaming. Now all that is a whole nother post to tell about.

https://soundiron.com/products/hopkin-instrumentarium-alt-alt

Charlie Morningstar vs Twilight Sparkle (FYI, this is running on predictions I have for future HH seasons)
We start with a shot of the Hazbin Hotel, and the camera gets closer
Cut inside to a therapy room and a shot of Charlie
Charlie: So, tell me how and why you became villains.
We cut to... Queen Chrysalis.
Chrysalis: I was betrayed by a group of ponies who offered friendship, but instead slaughtered much of my hive.
Cut to... Tirek
Tirek: I thought by absorbing Pony magic, my father would love me.
Cut to... Cozy
Cozy: I thought by ruling all through friendship, no one would hurt me anymore.
Charlie: Well, sounds like you all had good intentions, but went too far. But remember, it starts with
Twilight suddenly appears in the room
Twilight: Don't listen to them! Their lying! They are to come back with me and be turned back to stone.
Charlie: These are my patients, and they've been making progress. And I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Twilight: I'm afraid I can't... I wish we could be friends.
FIGHT! (and the best part is, it's never revealed who is right and who's wrong in this scenario, regardless of the winner)
Light Yagami vs Lelouch Vi Brittania (FYI, this is a battle of wits where they try to outsmart each other instead of outfight. Ryuk and C.C., will both be there to provide advice)
Shot of an abandoned city park at nightime, there's a chess board with the pieces all set up
Light approaches on one side, with Ryuk accompanying him
Light: There he is, Zero. He dies tonight.
Ryuk: This should be entertaining.
One the other side, Lelouch, wearing his helmet, and accompanied by C.C., apparoach
Lelouch: Are you sure the informant is right, and this will let us to Kira?
C.C.: It should be either Kira himself or lead us to Kira.
The two anti-heroes/villains sit at the chess board, (Light at White and Lelouch at Black) with Ryuk and C.C., sitting by a park bench with C.C. opening a box of Pizza and Ryuk noticing an apple tree under the bench
Light: Zero, I presume? You don't look like a knight or a rebel. (placing the Death Note on the table and secretly arming a hidden piece of the death note while pretending to adjust his watch)
Lelouch: You don't look like a god or a servant of a god. (Secretly opening a holster and powering up Geass)
Light: Looks can deceive. I believe white moves first?
Lelouch: Correct.
(a chess board with chess pieces sign appears)
FIGHT!
Ed, Edd, n Eddy vs Yakko, Wakko, and Dot
Yakko Wakko, And Dot are Minding strolling along in the cul-de-sac while a Wakko’s stomach is growling...
Wakko: Oh...my Stomach is Killing me guys...how much longer till we get there?
Yakko: Know know...brother sib your stomach can wait...we’ll find that candy shop eventually
Dot: Yeah...don’t worry Wakko we just need ask for directions
Wakko: But I can’t dot...I...Need...food
(Luckily the Eds are setting up a Scam Called: Ed’s Quick Bites...which Catches their attention Wakko then Sniffs the smell of the food and Floats over in funny detail)
Yakko: Middle Kid...Syndrome
(Yakko and Dot soon follow after Wakko who stands right up to the Ed’s Scam... Ed's all you can eat)
Eddy: Well you all look like a bunch of hungry...uh...whatever you are’s how about some grub to fill you up?
(Yakko is Trying to hold back Wakko who is trying to get his hands on the food)
Yakko: Sorry...uhhhh....but no thanks our brother here is just a little out of control...
Edd: Oh...please sir we insist you take a look around at least!
Wakko: Well...how about that! (Points at Ed’s Jawbreaker) can have that jawbreaker ?
Ed: Eddy says it’s not for sale...
Yakko: Stand aside Wakko...let me handle this...good sir we’d really appreciate it if you gave us that jawbreaker!
Ed: Well...since you asked nicely.
Eddy: ED !
Ed: But I’m gonna have to say no a jawbreaker is a man’s treasure and this my jawbreaker my Treasure...SO DON’T STEAL MY JAWBREAKER !
Wakko: Ohh...but I’m starving!
Edd: To be fair Eddy we should just give them the jawbreaker.
Eddy: BUTTON YOUR LIP SOCKHEAD!
Eddy: Too bad big nose...your going to have buy something or scram because we have a business to run here so beat it!
Yakko: HEY! Nobody talks to my brother sibling like that on MY WATCH!
(Dot And Double D are Arguing in the background)
(Wakko Is Fights Ed over his Jawbreaker and swipes it away and eats it whole)
(Ed gets angry and Wakko gets frightened)
(Ed then tackles Wakko and They Barrel Away in comedic affect)
Eddy: ED’S CHARGE!
FIGHT!
What do you think?

First Previous Wiki
Penny gazed at the quartet of Elders. They were all wearing the merchandise she remembered from the last Judgment, which was exceedingly awkward. Mainly because they were wearing shirts with her face on them. But it was also oddly endearing, in a way. Until now, she hadn't seen too many Elders that were on her side.
Elders that weren't just Kashaunta or the familiar faces she already knew, like Spentha or Rho and Sai, actually showing appreciation of her, felt odd. Even if these ones went a little too far in it.
"You're even more beautiful in person, Liberator," one said.
"Uh, thanks. I appreciate that. I'm glad that you all like me. Rho and Sai told me that you all are interested in something I can give you?"
"Yeah. Maybe a short interview? We won't be like that airhead reporter. We'll ask the good questions."
"Yep, we will."
"Right then," Penny said. "Well, I'm glad to meet you."
"Thank you. Now that we're here, we'd like to know how you plan on taking care of the gang leaders."
"Well, presumably by imprisoning them. I don't think they deserve to die, even if others do. I'll leave that decision up to Justicar and his various judges in the criminal system."
Penny didn't like having to lie blatantly. She wanted to kill the slavers quite brutally, but doing that was a bad idea right now. Saying it also was a bad idea, for a similar reason. And Justicar's system was worryingly preferential to Elders, from what she'd looked up after the meeting with Pundacrawla.
"Aren't you worried that the Judges won't give proper justice?"
"I trust Justicar to do everything that is necessary."
Another lie. Justicar would do whatever he could to maintain his image. Hopefully, that wouldn't be at the cost of the Alliance's very existence.
"Got it. By the way, what's it like being human? Walking on only two legs. It seems kind of unstable. Do you fall a lot?"
A genuine curiosity from them was another breath of fresh air. It was the kind of question a quadruped would definitely ask, which put her more at ease about the nature of what they were trying to do. Even more than their evident support of her, with all the merch they were wearing. Penny felt a smile crack at the corners of her lips, unbidden.
"Not really. We can use our arms to steady ourselves pretty well. Obviously it's not as easy to balance on our two legs as it is with your four, but it's still good enough. In fact, the sprinters in the Olympics use all four limbs, since running as fast as possible also requires pumping our arms. As for what it's like to be human, it's hard to describe. For many of us, it will feel colder or warmer than Sprilnav would feel in the same temperatures, due to thinner skin. Our eyesight is more frontal than yours, given our lack of snouts, so our blindspots are a lot bigger. Our feet require shoes for rough ground, and we heal slower than you by around 20%. We can't really clack our jaws to the scale that you can, though we can make them meet."
Penny bared her teeth, showing as she opened and closed her mouth. It was nice to be able to talk about things like this.
"The Olympics?" one of them asked.
"It's a competition about athletics," Penny said. "Running, jumping, throwing, diving, swimming, skiing, snowboarding, and a lot of sports. There's specific divisions, too. Like how there's a 100 meter dash, 200 meter dash, 400 meter dash, and even an 800 meter dash for those with high levels of psychic energy. Though really, psychic energy and genetic editing have been messing with the events for a while now. And there's a Winter, Summer, and Space Olympics, each with different sorts of events. They move from city to city, though the Space Olympics are pretty much always on either Luna, Ceres, or Mercury. There's a lot more information out there on various events, but it's an old cultural practice revered by the entire species. Even more so since Phoebe's increased the prize pools for everyone."
"How does your species handle space in general? I know that you guys did things way differently before First Contact."
"We did. Mining companies kept tight control on all asteroid mining, while nations controlled planets like Earth and Mars and large planetary bodies like Luna. Supposedly, a few people planned for a cloud city on Venus, but we couldn't risk having such a vulnerable population because they'd have to rely on giant balloons to survive. That would probably be the least secure way to live, given the existence of rogue organizations and all that.
As for spaceships, most of them since we really colonized Luna come equipped with spacesuit bays, zero gravity water and food packs, oxygen tanks, emergency seats, specialized anti-micrometeorite hulls, and radiation shielding. A lot of the older military ships also were equipped with big radiators until World War Three, when it all became masses of drone warfare, with the big ships kept mainly for cargo and lanes where mass drone control was impossible.
Once the Vinarii came and we got shields, we started building big again. After all, it provided a huge number of jobs, and in the post-war economies, especially with VIs in place, a lot of people needed work. But we still go and do asteroid and moon mining, star lifting, and energy gathering. We built an orbital ring around Mercury, the closest planet to Sol, to help with all of that. It doubles as a production hub, too. Now, it's all in more systems and with a lot more friends."
"Speaking of aliens, what theory does your people have on why so many creatures resemble one another? Our jaws are adapted for hard shelled creatures, and we're told that many planets have oddly similar variations of those."
"Crabs."
She guessed what they were getting at.
It is odd, isn't it? Nilnacrawla observed.
Perhaps that is another one of the Source's whims, Penny thought.
Maybe.
A few of the Elders made exclamations of shock.
"You even have a word for them that directly translates!"
Penny chuckled. "Yeah, carcinization is a bit of a meme in the science community. But I've heard the most mainstream theories since the First Contact are that the Source itself is uncreative. It has a certain template of creatures which it largely doesn't alter, though it can take in inputs from beings close to it, perhaps even influencing them."
"Influencing them?"
"Yes. Modern depictions of wendigoes, folkloric creatures from North America, a continent on Earth, are shockingly similar to the Knowers in appearance. The internet depictions of them in particular like to emphasize canine qualities, and often show them with skulls visible directly, and with dark brown or black fur. Recent depictions, as in the past 300 years, differ from their original appearances quite significantly, with the canine characteristics in particular being enhanced.
We have sorted through all known images of these creatures and found roughly 80% similarity with the Knowers and tens of thousands of images that are literally exactly the same as Knowers. The ones we searched all came before World War Three, far before even the First Contact with the Vinarii, much less the Knowers who were entirely underground at the time due to the radiation of their home star. We believe that the Source managed to influence this facet of human culture with the actual existence of a real creature.
Other examples exist, like how the Trikkec look very similar to Komodo Dragons, Vinarii look very similar to insects known as a mantis, and the Acuarfar look exactly like insects known as wasps with the single exception of their furry snouts and green instead of yellow markings. The Sprilnav species itself shares high amounts of similarity with a fictional species known as Elites in early 2000s culture, particularly with your jaws, though you all have red skin instead of grey or brown.
The Junyli, Dreedeen, and the wanderers are the main species without high amounts of appearance in our cultures at some point. This correlates with the idea of the Source being the influencer, as their predecessors all were used to fight it. Many species of the galaxy look like parts of our culture or Earth's creatures. The proximity of these examples makes this far more suspicious than if they were across the galaxy.
But since they existed first, the only answer must be that the Source brought the influence to us first and planted the ideas in our heads. As for the ones which look like Earth creatures, all of them are old enough evolutionary branches that copying from them to Earth makes more sense. Though the references centering around the early 2000s is quite odd, it is also roughly when the internet came into wide existence, so it is also possible the Source gave the ideas a push so they would propagate, for an unknown reason. Like if it seeded the ideas that propagated across the early global network Humanity used."
"Hmm. Fascinating. We've seen evidence of the 'seeding' process among some historical nations near the galactic region of Earth before. So the Source re-uses and alters depictions of life and also life itself?"
"Maybe," Penny said. "Unless the Source is more directly tied to life than we think. There's a conceptual Death, but no conceptual Life. Isn't that odd?"
"Conceptual Life died in the Source war."
How did that really work, though? Penny asked Nilnacrawla.
Imagine a conceptual being. A few of the Progenitors, as well as Narvravarana, went up to try to harvest its power. It refused, and Narvravarana used its unique abilities to try and force the deal.
Why was your civilization like this?
Excess and greed, partly. But we couldn't really do much more expansion. Vertical expansion also had its limits if we wanted to remain relevant for the remaining lifespan of the universe. So Narvravarana, along with a few of the greatest rulers and leaders of Sprilnav society, started looking to other dimensional planes. They figured it was best not to let the problem get too much worse. Or at least, that is what they say. I believe it was to harvest more resources to use against our surrounding enemies.
You didn't have any allies? Penny asked.
At that time, all the powers of the universe were enemies. All the allies eventually merged through millions of years of normalization. We happened to get on the universal stage the earliest, so other civilizations we encountered had little choice but to surrender their independence. Some fought, others didn't, but the outcome was the same.
That seems terrible.
It was, though the other universal civilizations were no better. Some of them just exterminated all alien life they found that couldn't fight back. In that sense, the pre-war Sprilnav civilization was one of the greatest, and that's why I fought for them. Obviously, I'm biased in that regard, though.
Thanks for telling me, father.
No problem, Penny.
She refocused back on the conversation at hand.
"But a thing cannot be alive if it dies. The concept of life doesn't work that way. So maybe the Source just... took in the concept of life? Or absorbed it into whatever psychic energy really is, considering that it's responsible for all of our existence?"
"That's so crazy it might actually be true," one of the Elders said. "You're incredible, Penny."
"Uh, thanks. You're all pretty great too." Her eyes drifted to the images of herself on their clothing. She couldn't really help it.
"I have a question for you."
"Yes?"
"Do you know what I'm fighting for?"
"I assume since you're asking it here, you don't just want a one word answer," an Elder said. "I would say yes, and for the liberation of the Sprilnav from the stain of slavery. Though going deeper into your history, you have also fought for other species, either in wars or just generally moving around. It does look aimless, mostly, since the galaxy's so big. But I'm sure you've got a way through that."
"In some way. Part of why I'm here isn't just about my people. It was at first, I admit that. But as I have lived here, on Justicar, for days and weeks, I've seen you less as alien. It makes it easier for sympathy and easier to break out of simple mindsets. So far, there are many problems, but there are distinct pieces. The first is that many people want to uphold slavery. I'm not sure why, but they do. It isn't profitable, and it isn't moral. Robots are cheaper in every way, and don't need food or water.
That means it's illogical or emotional. So I could try and solve the problem with violence alone, but it won't be addressing the cause, only the symptoms. I need to get to the heart of the matter. And I think it has to do with Elders' memories and the gradual woes they have accumulated going through life. I don't want to tear that away or drug them into believing they're fine. I want to find a way to outlet that productively. The second part I have identified is scale. The galaxy is enormous, and your species is incredibly numerous. I could fight planet by planet for the rest of my life, and liberation would still be difficult.
That also means I'd need a better way of doing things. Maybe an economic or political incentive. Emotional reasons will not work permanently, nor will logic, since we are in this situation. I have found several ways to address this. Sadly, since the gangs are likely monitoring this feed, I can't just outright say my strategy. All I can ask you all to do is to believe. Believe that I have a solution, and that I and those who stand with me are working on it. Believe in me because I believe in you."
None of the Elders questioned or ridiculed her words. Most of it was because they were fans of her. But one of them, an Elder named Rahautiti, had a distinct glint in his eye. Their gazes met only momentarily, but Penny could tell he knew.
And so she appeared in the mindscape, even as they concluded the interview, which would be the first of many. It was a ploy to just talk about human culture and ideals a bit more, to get it out there. Because the hivemind's theory was correct.
In the universe, ideas had power. That power could be weaponized against those who previously stood to gain. The first part of it was the image: Nova as an unbeatable bastion. Lecalicus as the Beast, a monster capable of star-crushing rage. Twilight as... whatever she did. Penny wasn't really familiar with the Progenitor's image too much, and the various names, like the Silent Night or the Smiling Darkness, were just so unbelievably edgy she cringed every time she recalled them.
But Rahautiti understood so she moved her mindscape avatar to see him.
"Hello again, Penny. I am no threat."
"I know. I'm glad that your group is led by someone as capable as you, as well as the other groups you dabble within."
"Who discovered it?"
"Phoebe. You met with Ezeonwha, and the android wanted to ensure you weren't a way for Yasihaut to kill him."
"Yeah. We did get approached about that, actually. We're supposed to kill Ezeonwha when you walk into the Judgment hall. Of course, we won't do this, and she won't be able to retaliate against us easily while there."
"Thank you for your honesty, Elder," Penny said. "It seems I'm in your debt."
"Nonsense. 2,839. That is the number of children I have had. 2,626. That is the number of children of mine which were enslaved. The remaining 213 died in unrelated incidents, with nearly half of those involving slavers killing them. I remember all of their names, and all of their faces, Penny. I want all the slavers in this universe dead."
"I cannot achieve that."
"You cannot," Rahautiti agreed. "Not with my help or even that of Kashaunta and Lecalicus. And certainly not right now. I have not lived this long to be incapable of compromise or patchwork solutions. You show great promise. I understand your aversion to killing and the circumstantial reason why you are not doing so now. I will not grow upset if you do not resume killing when the Judgment ends. Nor do I harbor a grudge against you for the speeding space entity you left outside the room to avoid uncomfortable publicity. You are incredibly young.
A sliver of a life. But you are strong, and you are mature. That sliver of your lifespan already outshines all I could do with a trillion more years, Penny. You are right in that this isn't something you can punch your way through. Trauma is part of why slavery still exists, despite it being a wholly unjust reason for the Elders to make such a sport of it. I am sure you know the story of the war, with a great hero in your head and Kashaunta at your side. My line of work is what I started to help you. Every thought about you being the Liberator, every eye that glances on you freeing slaves, helps you to gather conceptual energy. My talent happens to be great enough to sense the Pact of Blades you have, as well. If you want, I can teach you how to hide the mark on your soul and your mind."
"I would like that, yes," Penny said. "And thank you for being so reasonable. I will ask Kashaunta to protect you from what consequences come for refusing the offer on Ezeonwha."
"There are going to be attacks on him, you know. Him and your ship."
Penny felt an odd feeling in her soul. Cardi's power flared around him, and she squinted at the sky. She just barely saw a sliver of a tentacle. Most would have mistaken it for a normal speeding space entity. But here? On Justicar, with Exile obviously not being the cause?
Only one being would cause that. Fate.
Given the subject of their conversation, it was obvious what was going on.
Penny tapped Rahautiti's jaw, adding a thin mark of conceptual power so she could easily find him again. She focused on the conceptual mark she'd left on Ezeonwha. A twinge of conceptual energy came from it. It was accompanied by various impressions, like fear, pain, and acceptance.
"I have to go," Penny said. "I will be back later. Displace."
She appeared next to the 102nd Visitor Welcome Office but not next to Ezeonwha. It was carnage everywhere she looked.
"Champion!" an unknown Elder yelled. "I am Elder Na-"
Her rising fury surged, and it took all she had not to dismember him. The distant thought of the Judgment stayed her hands, though only just.
Penny's fist collided with the Elder's jaw at twice the speed of sound. A piece of his jaws flew free. Bone fragments hit the ground behind him. Hundreds of soldiers fired on her, and she slammed them to the ground with pure will. Penny tore their guns away and sent them each to pummel the Elder in front of her with as much brutality as she could. His powerful armor wasn't as capable of defense against physical attacks as it was against her psychic energy, and so he fell.
"You... cannot save him," the Elder spat. Fields of psychic suppression fell upon her, reducing her power.
"Manipulation through Determination," Penny growled. "De-"
No! Nilnacrawla said. Do not kill him! Not yet!
"What goes up will go down."
Air hardened around the Elder and accelerated rapidly.
The Elder smashed into the shield five miles above with a speed just slow enough that he wouldn't die. He fell from it and then hit it again at a more modest speed. He'd bounce on that until the Guides came to get him.
But Penny had another target. One she had to save instead of attack.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
High Judge Tassidonia awoke to the sound of explosions. He grabbed his swords, his main gun, and the personal shield he reserved for only the most dire occasions. The sky was erupting in war all around him, and buildings were already falling nearby. The spires of skyscrapers rained down upon the entrances to the Underground, crushing thousands of fleeing Sprilnav under their wide impacts.
His implant identified members of the gangs nearby, making their way to his home.
"Retribution Cycle!" Tassidonia cried. A hidden door opened, and he boarded a small hovercraft that sported a high amount of defensive and offensive technology, a gift from Justicar for dealing with all that he had related to the Judgment. Only this time, he wouldn't be on the next one. But already, the destruction was spreading.
Micro-missiles rained upon friend and foe alike. Several detonated against the layered shields. The mounted turrets on the side of his hoverbike shot lasers into the enemies his implant identified.
"Elder Tassidonia!" an Elder cried nearby. "For the crime of defying the will of-"
Tassidonia called his fury to bear. He rammed his mind into the enemy Elder, disorienting her. She reeled, about to attack, when a thick laser smashed into her chest. It pushed her against the wall, and Tassidonia kept the pressure up until her body melted. He listened to her screams impassively, occasionally sending blasts from his gun at the gangs when their members started to stray too close.
The thick red beam did its work within twenty pulses. His swords began to float beside him, keeping pace as he sped away from his home. The entire apartment complex shuddered and began to lean, its foundation being destroyed by some effect below. Tassidonia abandoned it with only minor regret. He'd known this moment would come. Everything he needed was already with him.
He linked into the Guide network, directing squadrons to attack the breaches he'd identified. Orbital strikes fell upon them in quick succession. Thick beams of light pierced through the lower planetary shields from orbital platforms, their guns honing in on Justicar's enemies. Tassidonia's implant was linked to the grid as well. So when he eyed buildings occupied with too many gang members, orbital strikes fell on them a few pulses later.
Fire and plasma rained all around him. Explosions and smoke blossomed all around him. More missiles fell from his hovercraft. A fighter ship appeared beside him, its simple stealth revealing itself to his eyes. Tassidonia waited for the pilot chamber to open, and his craft stowed itself behind him when he got in. It was fully equipped, so soon, Tassidonia was in full control of a weapon of war.
His first order of business was detecting the gangs' most fortified areas. He peppered those bases in shield-weakening mines, followed by bunker-buster missiles. Several anti-air turrets hit him, but his shields prevented them from taking him down. He dropped three high-end Butcher Androids into the fray of the largest battles.
One of the adjacent fighter wings in the separate shield sector dropped a nuke. At that moment, Tassidonia made a decision.
Whatever insanity was going on right now wasn't worth staying here on his own. He turned his ship upward, narrowly avoiding nearly fifty missiles shot from another gang fortress, which was really just the lower floors of a supermarket. Thick slabs of concrete were being set up by androids and slaves from the Underground. All he could do was watch from above and attempt to mark those that might be a problem.
Justicar's Grand Fleet was moving in, though only the carriers and their escorts were doing anything of any scale. The armies were mobilizing, and it seemed that war had finally broken out. Justicar, while isolated due to the Judgment, would have to win a war that threatened to topple his rule entirely.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Ezeonwha woke when the walls around him shuddered.
An earthquake?
Groggily, he activated the lights in the room. Phoebe's android was charging in the wall. Her limbs swayed with the motion. The walls shuddered again, and the lights went out. Thin, tiny cracks spread in the walls, increasing his worry factors massively. His implant notified him that this wasn't a dream. Distant screams reached his ears, and he went to the window.
Hordes of Sprilnav were running on the ground, tripping over each other to escape. He heard the thump of footsteps approaching from outside. The android activated, standing up.
"Move away from the doo-"
An explosion tossed him across the room. A Sprilnav carrying some sort of mouth weapon faded into view for a moment, smoke recalibrating the stealth field. And then he was gone. Phoebe smashed into the Sprilnav, her fists pummeling the assassin faster than Ezeonwha could comprehend.
Phoebe's arms turned into swords, and she stabbed the Sprilnav at least fifty times in a single pulse. She turned to grab him, but before she reached him, a second explosion sent him flying out of the now-shattered window.
The massive skyscraper loomed large, and he saw the ground beneath it ripple. Dull thumps sounded from below, and large, circular caverns opened beneath the 102nd Visitor Welcome Office. The whole building started to list forward, and Ezeonwha frantically activated his emergency personal shield as he started falling faster and faster. A bullet hit the shield. And then a second one. Gunshots echoed out in the distance, and he saw other Sprilnav falling from broken windows in the falling skyscraper. Gunfire erupted on the streets as Guides engaged a growing army of attackers bubbling up from basements of shops and businesses.
He saw spurts of blood exit the Sprilnav nearest him, bullets tearing holes through the woman's body. Piercing screams surrounded him, a terrible chorus that reminded him of the worst wars he'd fought in. But here, his training could do nothing. She was already dead, and he knew that he was the target of this whole attack. His eyes watered, and Ezeonwha felt so powerless. So useless.
A Corrector emerged from the side of the tilting skyscraper, eyes fixed on Ezeonwha. Then he looked down. Somehow, Ezeonwha knew when the orders had been sent. He knew that it was Astipra in the distance, a jetpack on his shoulders burning a thick flame beneath him.
Astipra looked back at the building and flew toward it. Ezeonwha felt the wind rushing past the shield as pressure. Astipra, far above, vaporized falling chunks of the skyscraper with blasts from his arm cannons. He pressed back against the skyscraper, the jetpack going into overdrive. The metal bent inward, and the groaning and twisting structure continued its fall. Blasts of light from Astipra again vaporized the set of falling chunks.
"Penny," he said. It was almost a prayer, really. His desperate mind was scrambling for whatever it could get. "Please, save me!"
He didn't know if she could hear him. Logically, it was impossible. And in a battle such as this, unlikely as well. Rippling explosions erupted across the facade of the falling skyscraper as rockets struck it. More explosions bloomed as lasers from distant police vehicles, Guides, and Astipra destroyed more of the fast-flying missiles and rockets. They pounded on the world around him, a horde of madness threatening to break his brain. He could feel the wind and gravity equalize as he reached terminal velocity.
And all he could see was the world descending into war around him. The 102nd Visitor Welcome Office continued to slump and lean against Astipra's best efforts. More bullets hit Ezeonwha's personal shield, and peppered the Guides moving over to save him. Air ambulances were shot from the sky. Even small fighter crafts were shot down by powerful ground lasers. EMPs thumped, disabling all the higher functions of his implant before he could think to use it.
A much larger explosion bloomed out, and Ezeonwha followed the rocket's trail to an Elder on the ground, standing in the wreckage surrounding a sudden tunnel opening. The Elder stared at him in glee, and he lined up another shot. Two Guides fell upon the Elder, who flew up using a jetpack to cut them in half with his sword. A hard light hologram lifted a large gun, pointing at Ezeonwha as he fell.
His eyes widened. Ezeonwha did everything he could. He angled his legs and arms. He pushed at the air. He even hefted the meager psychic energy he had, struggling with all his soul to escape the death he could feel was coming to him.
Guides swarmed beyond the shield appearing, while gang soldiers died by the hundreds to carpet bombing. Personal shields sprang up to block the explosions, and the Elder had survived. A thick red laser cut one of the fighters in half from the smoke. Above him, the collapsing facade of the skyscraper consumed Astipra entirely, though large gouts of plasma and thick explosions emerged from within. He could survive if it fell upon him, but Ezonwha could not.
Penny materialized far below, closer to the field of battle. A sweeping wave of gang members began disappearing. A bullet smashed into her head and her stomach, detonating in bright explosions. A personal shield flared and disappeared. Missiles and lasers slammed into Penny by the thousands as psychic energy gathered. A constant roll of words fell from her tongue, but without his implant, they were not translated.
Missiles crumbled into dust. Lasers impacted raw space in front of Penny before bending down and back to their origins, destroying automated turrets. Bullets still hit Penny and the Guides by the thousands, firing too quickly and densely for her to entirely block. But the large ordnance from the gangs continued to work against them.
Penny looked around, confusion evident on her face. But amidst the thousands of wounded and dead Sprilnav falling from the broken windows, Ezeonwha was hidden too well.
Shattering glass could be constantly heard, and he could feel the distant screams in his soul. A bullet smashed into his personal shield again, disabling it. A pulse later, he lost feeling in his legs.
He tried to reach out to her mind, but the war in the mindscape was equally intense. Too many Elders and Guides battling it out along with various suppression artifacts made it all impossible. He could sense Penny's influence, but couldn't directly reach her.
He let out a breath, knowing it to be the final one.
I'm sorry, Penny, Ezeonwha thought.
I wish you luck in the Judgment, and I am sorry I caused this to happen to you.
Penny finally appeared in front of him, eyes wide-
Blood erupted. A searing pain in his head told him his implant had just shorted out. And in the mindscape, he saw a mental attack heading for him, its brutal power evident. He closed his eyes.

Edgiscript: Kimchi's a little under the weather, so I'll tell you that this is where you can find info on monetization An Introdu ction To The Book That Is Me : ASMRScriptHaven (reddit.com) and here's my library Masterlist for edgiscript : ASMRScriptHaven (reddit.com) . That's all.
Kimchi: HAAAAAAAA!!!!
Edgiscript: EEEAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!! Kimchi? What the hell?
Kimchi: It's not that easy to make that interesting and fun, is it?
Edgiscript: I... was... so concerned about your health, that I... couldn't... spend any time to... make this fun.
Kimchi: Awwwwww. That's so sweet. Utter BS, but still sweet.
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Part 6: [F4M] Play Time - 6 out of Checkmate [Kimchi Cat-Girl Speaker] [Hubby Human Listener] [Playing Board/Bored Games] [Rickety-Ass Stairs] [Colonel/Kernel] [You Sank My Battleship] [Give Me Back My Piece] : ASMRScriptHaven (reddit.com)
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Part 7

Kimchi: (Singsong voice.) Hubbyyyyyyyy? Huuuuuubbyyyyyyyy? I’m coming to geeeeet youuuuuuuu.
(Snickers and giggles.) Ooh, you are so good at this. I love playing hide and seek with you so much. The park has so many good hiding spots, but out here, you don’t have the advantage of having everything smell like you. So… I can follow… your scent… to… HERE!
Hah, haaaaaah. I see you. You can run, and you can laugh, I love your laugh, but you can’t hide anymore. I’m almost on you. I’m going to POUNCE…
(Kimchi crashes in some leaves.)
Hubby, what are you doing? You came back to get me. You should have used that opportunity to get away. Now the hunt is over. That’s no fun.
(Pause.)
Well, yeah, I missed. That’s what I meant. I missed, so why didn’t you keep running?
(Pause.)
Yeah, I suppose I’ve never missed before, but, you know, it happens. Why didn’t you run?
(Pause.)
Awwww, you were worried about me. Did you think I’d hurt myself? Well, thanks, hubby, but you don’t have to worry. Cats are invulnerable. I’ve got nine lives, remember? That means I can’t get hurt.
(Pause.)
Does too mean that.
(Pause.)
That’s right, there’s no point arguing with me. Why would you try to correct me when I’m right?
(Pause.)
What d’ya mean, I don’t look so good?
(Sounding hurt.) I thought you thought I was pretty.
(Pause.)
(Brightening up.) Oh, you do think I’m beautiful. You meant I look a little off.
In what way?
(Pause.)
Why would you think that, silly? And why are there two of you all of a suddenly? All of a suggen. Sudden. Whatever.
(Pause.)
No, I didn’t hit my head when I landed. What would I have hit my head on. There’s nothing but leaves here. I just… (Sneezes.)
Sorry, hubby. That came out of nowhere. I just… (Sneezes.)
No, I don’t know. Maybe allergies.
(Pause.)
Nope, never had allergies before, but I can’t think of another reason why I might… (A few coughs.)
(Pause.)
Whaaaaaaat? Sick? No way. Cats don’t get sick. That’s a silly human thing.
(Pause.)
Cats do not get sick. I told you, cats are invulnertable.
(Pause.)
Right, that’s what I said. Invulnerable. Geez, hubby. You’re thinking I’m sick, but you’re the one not hearing things properly.
Now, if you’ll stop being so silly and doing things like spinning in circles, we could get back to our game.
(Pause.)
Don’t tell me you’re not spinning. You and the whole forest is doing it. I’m actually impressed. How did you manage to get the whole park to… ohhhhhh.
(Kimchi faints. When she wakes up, she’s in bed. She sounds a little groggy.)
Hubby? What happened? Why am I in bed? Where did the forest go?
(Pause.)
Yes, the park. The grass, the trees, the leaves. Where did it go?
(Pause.)
I did not pass out. I can fall asleep very quickly, but only when I’m trying. And I wasn’t trying.
I wanted to catch you. That’s our Saturday game. I get to hunt you in the morning and then I have the rest of the day to make you happy after I catch you.
I love being the hunter and you love being the prey. I love our Saturdays. You don’t have to go to work. I get to play with you all day. Now what happened?
(Pause.)
No, no, hubby. I think you’re confused. I carry you when I catch you. You don’t carry me. You couldn’t have carried me all the way home.
(Pause.)
No, hubby, it’s not that I think you’re not strong enough, it’s just that it doesn’t happen that way. I catch you. I carry you. I make you happy. Do you see the relationship here? Me to you. You’re getting it backwards. Now let me get up and…
(Kimchi tries to get up but stops right away. Sore, painful moans. Kimchi starts to sound a little groggier and now sounds a little stuffed up as well. If you want to cough at times, go ahead when you think it works.)
Ohhhh. Ohhh, OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My body hurts. Why does my body hurt?
What did you do to me? What did I do to me? Wait, did the forest do this to me? I didn’t know it could do that. I thought it liked me. What’s going on?
(Pause.)
A fever? Pfft. Cats don’t get fevers.
(Pause.)
No, I’m not dizzy, and I don’t have body aches. I’m a cat. We’re invulnershuble. Invernatable. Invlurt… We can’t get sick.
(Pause.)
Of course I can say the word. I’ve said it before, many times. You’ve heard me say it.
(Pause.)
I… just… don’t want to say it right now. That’s all. It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m dizzy and achy all over.
(Pause.)
Oh, drat. You tricked me. Ok, fine, I’m a little dizzy, but that’s probably just because I crashed into those leaves.
(Pause.)
Yes, those leaves. There were a lot of them. And they were really big. They ganged up on me. Why does the park not like me all of a sudden?
(Pause.)
(Kimchi sounds even more stuffed up now.) No, my nose isn’t starting to run. Legs run. Noses sniff. Hubby, I think you’re the one who’s sick if you forgot that.
(Pause.)
Oh, you mean I’m leaking. Yeah, you’re right. What’s this coming out of my nose?
(Pause.)
Ewwww, that’s disgusting. How could that be?
(Pause.)
What’s that? A Kleenex? What do I do with it?
(Pause.)
Ok. (Blows nose.) WOW! Hubby, look at this. That came out of me. What’s going on?
And why am I naked with the air conditioner on? It’s freezing in here.
(Pause.)
What? I can’t be in my pajamas and under the covers. It’s so cold, I…
Huh. I guess you’re right. Wow. How did I not know that? And why am I so cold?
Wait. What’s that? (Distrustful.) Hubbyyyyy, what is that?
(Pause.)
Yes, that filthy, disgusting, vomit inducing, nasty goop that smells like you pulled it out of the garbage disposal. And why are you pouring some of it into a spoon?
(Pause.)
You can’t be serious. There is no way I’m swallowing that.
(Pause.)
You humans do it all the time? What, in the literal hell, is wrong with you? No wonder cats are superior in every way when you’re sabotaging yourself as a species by eating that filth.
(Pause.)
You can call it medicine and good for me if you want, but I know better. And it doesn’t matter. I’m not sick.
(Kimchi gets a little panicky.)
Hubby? Where are you going?
(Pause.)
(Quietly, afraid to admit the truth.) Well… yeah… I guess some chicken soup does sound kinda good right now. I suppose I’d like some. But only because I always like your chicken soup. It’s nummy.
If… if you wanted to make me some, I guess I’d eat it.
(Pause)
(Panicky.) Hubby? Wait. Don’t… don’t go.
(Pause.)
Yes, I know the ingredients and the stove aren’t in here, but… I don’t want you to go.
(Pause.)
I know you’re not leaving the apartment, but I don’t want you to go… anywhere. I… don’t want you to leave me.
(Pause.)
No, please. I’m…
(Sweetly, tenderly, frightened.) I’m scared. Hubby… I’m scared. I’ve never felt like this before. I’m… sick. That means I could… I could die, right? What if you left, even for a minute, and I needed you. I think that… if you go… even for a little bit… I might…
(Long pause. Hubby walks to the dresser and opens a drawer to get something.)
Hubby, what is that? Why are you counting to ten?
(Pause.)
You’re tying a bow on my wrist.
(Pause.)
Yes, it is pretty. I like the color very much. You make a nice bow. I like it.
(Pause.)
What? There was no hunt.
(Pause.)
Oh, so that’s what the counting meant. You started a game, didn’t you? You caught me. You tied me… with this bow. And now you have to make me happy.
(Pause.)
That’s right. Those are the rules.
(Pause. From now on, Kimchi sounds more and more tired, and gets quieter and quieter until she falls asleep.)
Yes, please. Climb into bed with me and hold me.
(Pause.)
Thank you, hubby. You feel so warm. And your arms around me makes me feel safe.
I don’t like being sick. It makes me scared. I don’t want to die, hubby. I don’t want you to go away.
(Pause.)
Ok. I guess you’re right. I can’t die with you here now because you have to make me happy, and being apart from you would make me sad.
(Pause.)
Yes, that’s right. You have to make me happy. Those are the rules. And you are, hubby. You are making me very happy right now.
(Pause.)
Oh, yes, hubby. Stroking my hair feels so good. I always like it when you pet me.
(Pause.)
And scritch my ears. Just like that.
(Pause.)
Yes, I like laying on your chest. Is it ok if I squeeze you?
(Pause.)
Yes, that would make me happy.
(Pause.)
That’s good. If I hold on tighter, you’re even warmer. How is that possible? Am I squeezing warmth out of you?
(Pause.)
Hubby, thank you. You make me not scared. I love you, hubby. I love you. I’m so glad you’re mine.
(Pause.)
No, I’m not yours. You’re mine.
(Pause.)
Ok. I’m yours too.
(Pause.)
Yes, that makes me happy.
(Pause.)
No, I’m not going to fall asleep. I just like laying here with you.
(Pause.)
So what if my eyes are closed. That means I’m comfortable.
(Pause.)
Yes, I am a good hunter. I love to catch you and make you happy, because I love you.
But… I always wondered why you liked being the prey so much. Now I know. This is nice. You’re nice.
I like you taking care of me. I love you, hubby. I… love…
(Kimchi falls asleep.)
Part 8 next.

[prev] [next]
Memory Transcript: Kinet, Venlil Surveyor Captain [Standardized Human Time July 5th, 2114]:
We had arrived in-system [four days] ago, and while I was expecting to see a world ravaged by nuclear exchange, the damage to the planet was beyond what I could have ever imagined. The surface was scorched, and the air filled with ash and soot from massive continent spanning fires that must have been burning for cycles. Despite all the destruction, our scans showed some signs of life trying to take hold on the surface, but not nearly as much as there should have been.
The humans had wiped themselves out over [150 years ] in the past; it shouldn’t look like it only happened only a herd of claws ago.
Fiir was of no use. When the first glimpses of the planet came in on the viewscreen, the scruffy researcher just stared with his jaw hanging loose before stammering about something being wrong. He stormed off to his quarters, and I haven’t seen him since then.
I sighed and walked onto the bridge with my waking claw cup of tea but was immediately assaulted by the chittering of an excited sivkit, our primary communications officer.
“Captain, captain, captain!”
“Hephy, yes, I’m right here. What is it?” I looked down towards her. She barely came up to my waist in her typical quadrupedal stance, and even doing her best to stand up, she wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye. Despite her stature, her excitement demanded attention as her eyes flicked between myself and whatever data she had scrolling across her display visor.
“Right Right. Anyway, Captain, I have to show you something, it’s big.” Most people don’t pay sivkits much mind, but Hephy was a prodigy. The excitable woman could look at a waterfall plot and pick out every signal present, and even read some of them without any computer assistance. I motioned for her to follow me to the ready room and started off toward it while sipping my tea. She trotted behind me on all fours, as sivkits are wont to do, and when I sat in my chair, she hopped side to side in excitement. “The signals, when we arrived from the jump, I saw something fascinating!” “Hephy, stop bouncing and sit.” I gestured to the chair in front of my desk. She looked at me for a moment as if I had grown a set of ears at the end of my snout. After a moment, her trance broke, and she hopped into the chair. She sat on her haunches and pulled out her tablet.
“Ok so, when we jumped in, we got a ping of the area, right? Send a signal out, listen for the reply, and we see what’s out there that our eyes can’t. Standard stuff, sure, but look.” She tapped at her tablet and expanded a multidimensional spectrum plot. “The bright spots are reports, and it’s all around. Debris right? That’s what I thought but look closer!” I leaned in and looked at the impressionistic splotches of color shown on the holographic display. The blues, yellows, and oranges spattered amongst the dark gray and black of night and other known objects was appealing to the eye, but ultimately gave me little idea what Hephy was trying to communicate with me. She must have picked up on my lack of insight, because she sighed and tapped the display again. “Normally, you see the pulse pattern return and that’s pretty distinct, but this is different. Odd. I thought it was just micro-debris but if you spread it out over time there’s a pattern to it, a structure in the phase relationships that doesn’t match reflections or our interrogation pulses.” “Hephy, you know I rarely ever understand you at this level.” “Right sorry right. Captain, this isn’t the return pulse, they’re data transmissions. Multiple data transmissions all at once.”
My ears perked up, and I tilted my head to the side a bit. “How can you be sure? What would even be out there to send them?”
“I wasn’t sure myself until I looked later on in the data buffers. Almost a claw later there was another longer burst. The automated systems ignored it due to interpreting it as just more micro-debris, but it had that structure-but-not-structure, perfectly shaped noise. I also had nav and sensors run another few active pings at different frequencies, trying to rule out silly patterns seeking brain nonsense. Nothing returned. The debris cloud doesn’t exist!”
“So what does this mean for us?”
“I don’t know, but it's fascinating! They must be satellites of some kind, either too small to reflect much or made to absorb radio waves.”
“That’s worrisome. There’s only one reason you’d build something like that.”
“Weaponry?” She chirped with surprising insight I had not expected to come from her. She had never been in the space force like I, and many others, had.
“Defense platforms, yes.” I took a sip of my rapidly cooling tea to try and soothe the anxious pit growing in my stomach.
“That’s…concerning.” Her excitement waned for a moment but quickly slipped back.
“Very, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Hephy.”
“As if I could keep quiet about something like this!” She snorted with a chittering laugh. “Oh! Wait there’s one more thing. There was another signal in a higher band that sounded off around the same time as the other burst, this time from a different orbit, way further out. I traced it to an artificial satellite.”
Suddenly, a thought hit me. These things were actively communicating with something. Was there something still left on the surface?
“Hephy, do you know where those signals were going?”
“Normally the antenna is too directional for anyone but the recipient to see it or it’s hard to get a read on directionality, but I know where everything is communicating to. The middle of the smaller main ocean.”
“Hephy, that’s an incredibly important bit of information!”
“It is? Oh yeah right, that makes sense!” She wiggles her tail in an amused flicking motion.
I stood up and patted her on the shoulder. “Get us close to that artificial satellite and see what it is. I’d like to get a better idea of what we’ve just stumbled into. Report back when you have some answers and we will go from there.”
Hephy bobbed her ears and hopped off the seat. “On it, sir. Where are you going?” “I’m going to talk to Fiir. This is beyond the original mission, and he needs to know.” “Ay captain. Good luck. Guy’s a weirdo.” I simply grunted and strolled down to the auxiliary quarters where I knew the researcher to be.
>Advance record: [10 Minutes]:
Fiir had brought an entire team of researchers with him. I was told they’re all colleagues of his from the research academy that are interested in this personal project of his. This many people on board with his project did explain how he was able to offer the exorbitant sum of credits to hire me and my crew. They had been allocated a section of the ship near the front, just past the shuttle bay and under the bridge area. This let them have their privacy and set up whatever gear they brought with them.
It also meant that there was a door between them and the rest of the ship. A door that they did not hesitate to keep closed after pre-launch inspections had concluded. The researchers didn’t have anything I didn’t expect from the manifest, but I still found it rather suspicious. Were they hiding something? Perhaps it had to do with that odd power hungry computer they insisted upon. Mara had her ears tied in a knot trying to accommodate it, and still they were coy about why exactly they needed it. It didn’t do me any good to speculate, though. What mattered most was the problem of the satellites.
I finally reached the door and, being the polite man I am, I scratched at the sounding plate before grabbing the handle and trying to open it. To my surprise, it didn’t budge. I could understand locking doors to the personal quarters, but this was a main corridor in my own ship! Just as I reached over to key in the unlock code, the door made a thunk as the latch disengaged and slid open part of the way. A familiar gray fringed brown muzzle stuck out from the gap. “This is a restrict- Oh. Captain.” Fiir opened the door a little more and stood up facing me. “What is it?”
I blinked at his rather blunt question. “I just came to inform you that we’ve discovered some worrying details about the nature of the-” “The artificial satellites are not of any concern to us.” He cut me off before I could finish.
“We think they might be-”
He glanced back behind the door for a moment, his tail thrashed in agitation. “It doesn’t matter. Have you prepared the landing party yet?” My jaw tightened as my frustration with his rudeness grew. I couldn’t get much of a word in, but I needed any answers. “They’re set to depart in two claws, but with those unknown satellites, I can’t be sure of their safety! I saw you on the bridge when we arrived, you were expecting something different. As the captain of this ship, I need to know if there’s a threat to-”
“Captain.” Fiir’s gaze grew intense as he leaned in. I may have had almost a head of height on the wizened farsul, but in that moment, he felt as if he was towering over me. “I suggest you stick to the responsibilities I hired you for, Captain Kinet. There are things that you are not privy to, nor will you be made privy to in the foreseeable future. Continue with the survey as per our agreement, and you’ll get your credits. Do not bother me until the away team is en route. Good paw, Captain.” He closed and locked the door without even waiting for my response.
I just stood at the door for a long while, a feeling of anger and indignation boiling in my chest. I had only ever had cordial contact with the researcher up until now; this abrupt shift in his demeanor was unsettling, to say the least. How dare he talk down to me like that on my own ship! I sighed and took a deep breath, holding it for a moment before letting it out. Slow and controlled. Letting the tension and anger flow out with my breath.
Inhale. Hold. Release.
Inhale. Hold. Release.
After a few cycles, the burning anger was reduced to a smoldering cinder. As much as I had wanted to headbutt Fiir, it wasn’t worth risking the contract for. I turned and walked back to the bridge to prepare for the away mission. Without Fiir’s info, I needed to make sure contingencies were in place for any possible threat to the away team. The lives of my crew are paramount, even if the contract was very, very lucrative. All that aside, the planning would keep my mind away from thoughts of my rude client.
>Advance record: [Standardized Human Time July 6th, 2114]:
I woke up after my rest paw feeling groggy and unrested. The confrontation with Fiir kept playing in my mind all night, despite the claws of planning for the away mission. To say his standoffish behavior left knots in my wool would be an understatement. I wiped my snout with my paws, flicking the crust from my eyes before getting up out of bed.
I grabbed my favorite mug and fixed myself my morning cup of tea. Pulling the dried leaves and stems from the canister, I could feel my mouth water in anticipation. I had been told by many who possessed the strange appendage called a nose that the tea leaves had a strong earthy and floral scent. I often wondered what that meant. Venlil didn’t have noses, but we did have a sense of taste, which is apparently quite similar. I often wondered what it might be like to smell. Do we really miss out on so much without being able to smell?
We had to soak our foods and tea in water before we could taste it with our tongues, and even then, it’s not nearly as sensitive, which is probably why other species consider venlil cuisine to be overseasoned and overpowering.
Another reason why the stereotype of venlil being weak is nonsense, in my opinion. How strong can you be if you can’t handle a little spice?
The timer went off, chirping to tell me my tea was ready. I sifted out the leaves and brought the invigorating elixir to my lips. The hot fluid warmed me to my core and burned away the waking lyasi silk from my groggy mind.
I needed to catch up with Hephy and Mara; they should have brought in that satellite-
My thoughts were interrupted by the chiming of my pad. I picked it up and answered the call to see Hephy’s face almost filling the screen, with Mara looking over her shoulder.
“Oh good you’re awake! Captain, you must see this! It’s amazing! The satellite, it’s full of brains!”
END TRANSCRIPTION
Been a hot minute, I hadn't forgotten about this. As always, comments are coveted and appreciated. What do you all think about Fiir's behavior? What do y'all think of Hephy?
Thanks to for creating this setting and fostering such a delightfully passionate community! Thanks again to , Novalux, and the Foxmates for editing and helping me get this done!
Soma belongs to Frictional Games.

Hi all,
My baby is a week old and we’re in love. My dog has been at their boarding facility since the birth and today we brought him home. He has never been around a baby in the time we have had him, and shown disinterest around any children we’ve seen him around.
He is showing waaaay too much interest in baby to the point that my anxiety is skyrocketing. The baby coos in the bassinet and the dog is just staring through the sides at him and won’t stop. I told him to come to me and he half did, half ignored it. He seems transfixed with baby and it’s making me freak the fuck out a little.
My birth was a little sudden and a bit traumatic so the plan we had for introducing them went totally out the window.
I’m freaking out locked in the bedroom with dog but he’s just staring at the door turning his head at every little sound. I had originally put him in his crate but he just whined and cried like he was stressed out. I feel like we fucked up the introduction and I’m just spiraling.
I know im postpartum but I just can’t stop crying feeling like my dog won’t work with the new baby.
Has anyone had a dog show an intense interest in their baby and have it work out? Am I dreaming if I think I’ll be able to keep my dog?

Hey there! I am a 30 year old guy from Upstate New York looking for someone that wants to make an emotional connection.
A bit about me: I'm 6’1". I get height can be a big deal for some women so I think it's best to just put it out there first 😅 I've got black hair, brownish black eyes. Average body, I'm muscular and wanting to start exercising both for health and a little bit for better shape. I like to think I'm fairly attractive but then most of us grew up with a relative always telling us we were not handsome or cute, etc. we can share pictures once we establish some comfort zone. If education is important, I am a college graduate with post-graduation degree as well. Now working as an engineer.
I have to lead with the fact that I can be pretty sarcastic at times. I also joke and (playfully) tease. I'm pretty easy going/chill and I like to keep things light and fun, but also enjoy getting into the really deep conversations as well. I'm a sucker for the whole good morning and goodnight text thing as well as checking in on those busier days. That doesn’t mean we have to just message good morning and good night for the whole week. Haha. I think most important part of knowing someone via online platform is initial conversations and if you don’t have enough time let me know otherwise that conversation is dead in no time.
I love animals. I've always felt very connected and attached to them and just enjoy interacting with them. While I am more of a dog person pet-wise, cats are still pretty cool in my book. Cats are more complex though I love the mysterious nature.
Anything outdoors is great in my opinion. Just feel like going for a walk? Let's do it. I do kayaking a bit in the summers, fish, hike, go for drives. I have the habit of occasionally stopping and taking pictures of plants and flowers I see around (I'm always down to share!). While sending me message write code - “I2U” so that I know it’s someone who actually read my post. Didn’t write in the end cuz some people might just skip to end. This doesn’t mean that you just send me the code. I am strictly gonna monitor now. I have skimmed through soo many texts and my innocent heart always gives chances, I am gonna try to be little strict this time.
It's not just the outdoors I love. I can also get down with chill days at home binging something on Netflix or playing something on my PC. Let's face it, I'm a bit if a nerd (everyone has something nerd about themselves) and if you like Jurassic park, board games, Any Mafia movies, gaming, etc we will get along great. I'm a sucker for horror movies as well and am always looking for recommendations. I listen to a lot of music. I shouldn’t brag but I listen to english ,german, Spanish, french and Hindi songs. Born and brought up in India. Hence, hindi songs.
A bit about (possibly) you: I'd prefer if you were in some sort of professional environment and ambitious. I'm not extremely picky about things like hair and eye color. Height is also not a big deal. If you're alot smaller than me and worried that it's something you’ll be insecure about, it's not. The big thing for me is personality. I think personality can make us a lot more or a lot less attractive. I want someone that is genuinely kind and sweet, someone that likes to laugh, someone that's not afraid to be goofy.
A final note: I'm a single guy and looking for someone dynamic. Sometimes I can respond immediately and sometimes it takes a minute due to the obvious circumstances. I also don't expect you to respond immediately to every message, I get that we all have lives and can be busy at times. It would be awesome if you are up for a voice chat. And please when responding write something about yourself.
If any if this sounds remotely interesting to you, feel free to reach out via reddit dm or chat!

Hey there! I am a 30 year old guy from Upstate New York looking for someone that wants to make an emotional connection.
A bit about me: I'm 6’1". I get height can be a big deal for some women so I think it's best to just put it out there first 😅 I've got black hair, brownish black eyes. Average body, I'm muscular and wanting to start exercising both for health and a little bit for better shape. I like to think I'm fairly attractive but then most of us grew up with a relative always telling us we were not handsome or cute, etc. we can share pictures once we establish some comfort zone. If education is important, I am a college graduate with post-graduation degree as well. Now working as Mechanical engineer.
I have to lead with the fact that I can be pretty sarcastic at times. I also joke and (playfully) tease. I'm pretty easy going/chill and I like to keep things light and fun, but also enjoy getting into the really deep conversations as well. I'm a sucker for the whole good morning and goodnight text thing as well as checking in on those busier days. That doesn’t mean we have to just message good morning and good night for the whole week. Haha. I think most important part of knowing someone via online platform is initial conversations and if you don’t have enough time let me know otherwise that conversation is dead in no time.
I love animals. I've always felt very connected and attached to them and just enjoy interacting with them. While I am more of a dog person pet-wise, cats are still pretty cool in my book. Cats are more complex though I love the mysterious nature.
Anything outdoors is great in my opinion. Just feel like going for a walk? Let's do it. I do kayaking a bit in the summers, fish, hike, go for drives. I have the habit of occasionally stopping and taking pictures of plants and flowers I see around (I'm always down to share!). While sending me message write code - “I4U” so that I know it’s someone who actually read my post. Didn’t write in the end cuz some people might just skip to end. This doesn’t mean that you just send me the code. I am strictly gonna monitor now. I have skimmed through soo many texts and my innocent heart always gives chances, I am gonna try to be little strict this time.
It's not just the outdoors I love. I can also get down with chill days at home binging something on Netflix or playing something on my PC. Let's face it, I'm a bit if a nerd (everyone has something nerd about themselves) and if you like Jurassic park, board games, Any Mafia movies, gaming, etc we will get along great. I'm a sucker for horror movies as well and am always looking for recommendations. I listen to a lot of music. I shouldn’t brag but I listen to english ,german, Spanish, french and Hindi songs. Born and brought up in India. Hence, hindi songs.
A bit about (possibly) you: I'd prefer if you were in some sort of professional environment and ambitious. I'm not extremely picky about things like hair and eye color. Height is also not a big deal. If you're alot smaller than me and worried that it's something you’ll be insecure about, it's not. The big thing for me is personality. I think personality can make us a lot more or a lot less attractive. I want someone that is genuinely kind and sweet, someone that likes to laugh, someone that's not afraid to be goofy.
A final note: I'm a single guy and looking for someone dynamic. Sometimes I can respond immediately and sometimes it takes a minute due to the obvious circumstances. I also don't expect you to respond immediately to every message, I get that we all have lives and can be busy at times. It would be awesome if you are up for a voice chat. And please when responding write something about yourself.
If any if this sounds remotely interesting to you, feel free to reach out via reddit dm or chat!

Hey there! I am a 30 year old guy from Upstate New York looking for someone that wants to make an emotional connection, and would like to put efforts into conversations.
A bit about me: I'm 6’1". I get height can be a big deal for some women so I think it's best to just put it out there first 😅 I've got black hair, brownish black eyes. Average body, I'm muscular and wanting to start exercising both for health and a little bit for better shape. I like to think I'm fairly attractive but then most of us grew up with a relative always telling us we were not handsome or cute, etc. we can share pictures once we establish some comfort zone. If education is important, I am a college graduate with post-graduation degree as well. Now working as an engineer.
I have to lead with the fact that I can be pretty sarcastic at times. I also joke and (playfully) tease. I'm pretty easy going/chill and I like to keep things light and fun, but also enjoy getting into the really deep conversations as well. I'm a sucker for the whole good morning and goodnight text thing as well as checking in on those busier days. That doesn’t mean we have to just message good morning and good night for the whole week. Haha. I think most important part of knowing someone via online platform is initial conversations and if you don’t have enough time let me know otherwise that conversation is dead in no time.
I love animals. I've always felt very connected and attached to them and just enjoy interacting with them. While I am more of a dog person pet-wise, cats are still pretty cool in my book. Cats are more complex though I love the mysterious nature.
Anything outdoors is great in my opinion. Just feel like going for a walk? Let's do it. I do kayaking a bit in the summers, fish, hike, go for drives. I have the habit of occasionally stopping and taking pictures of plants and flowers I see around (I'm always down to share!). While sending me message write code - “I3U” so that I know it’s someone who actually read my post. Didn’t write in the end cuz some people might just skip to end. This doesn’t mean that you just send me the code. I am strictly gonna monitor now. I have skimmed through soo many texts and my innocent heart always gives chances, I am gonna try to be little strict this time.
It's not just the outdoors I love. I can also get down with chill days at home binging something on Netflix or playing something on my PC. Let's face it, I'm a bit if a nerd (everyone has something nerd about themselves) and if you like Jurassic park, board games, Any Mafia movies, gaming, etc we will get along great. I'm a sucker for horror movies as well and am always looking for recommendations. I listen to a lot of music. I shouldn’t brag but I listen to english ,german, Spanish, french and Hindi songs. Born and brought up in India. Hence, hindi songs.
A bit about (possibly) you: I'd prefer if you were in some sort of professional environment and ambitious. I'm not extremely picky about things like hair and eye color. Height is also not a big deal. If you're alot smaller than me and worried that it's something you’ll be insecure about, it's not. The big thing for me is personality. I think personality can make us a lot more or a lot less attractive. I want someone that is genuinely kind and sweet, someone that likes to laugh, someone that's not afraid to be goofy.
A final note: I'm a single guy and looking for someone dynamic. Sometimes I can respond immediately and sometimes it takes a minute due to the obvious circumstances. I also don't expect you to respond immediately to every message, I get that we all have lives and can be busy at times. It would be awesome if you are up for a voice chat. And please please when responding write something about yourself.
If any if this sounds remotely interesting to you, feel free to reach out via reddit dm or chat!

PLAYBOY Interview With Conan O'Brien Interview by Kevin Cook For Playboy Magazine February 1998
A candid conversation with the preppie prince of "Late Night" about his rocky start, his show's secret one-day cancellation and how David Letterman saved the day.
He was polite. He was funny. He gave us a communicable disease.
At 34 Conan O'Brien is hotter than the fever he was running when we met in his private domain above the "Late Night" sound stage. A gangly freckle-faced ex-high school geek he is "one of TV's hottest properties" according to "People" magazine. The host of "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" has become his generation's king of comedy.
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. Congested too, but O'Brien has far more to worry about than his head cold. A perfectionist who broods over one bad minute in an otherwise perfect hour of TV, he worries he might be anhedonic, "I have trouble with success," he says, "I was raised to believe that if something good happens something bad is coming." Sure things look good now "Rolling Stone" calls "Late Night" "the hottest comedy show on TV." Ratings are better than ever, particularly among 18- to 34-year-olds, the viewers advertisers crave.
But O'Brien only works harder. Despite his illness he taped two shows in 26 hours on three hours' sleep. He smoothly interviewed Elton John then burst into coughing fits during commercials. Later in his crammed corner office overlooking Manhattan traffic Conan the Cool gulped Dayquil gel caps. He coughed spewing microbes.
"Sorry, sorry," he said. Of course O'Brien can't complain. He came seriously close to falling to being banished behind the scenes as just another failed talk show host.
At his first "Late Night" press conference he corrected a reporter who called him a relative unknown, "Sir I am a complete unknown," he said. That line got a laugh, but soon O'Brien looked doomed. His September 13, 1993 debut began with O'Brien in his dressing room preparing to hang himself only to be interrupted by the start of his show. Before long his career was hanging by a thread. Ratings were terrible. Critics hated the show. Tom Shales of "The Washington Post" called it as "lifeless and messy as roadkill." Shales said O'Brien should quit.
Network officials held urgent meetings discussing the Conan O'Brien debacle. Should they fire him? How should they explain their mistake?
In the end of course he turned it around. The network hung with him long enough for the ratings to improve and the host of the cooler-than-ever "Late Night" now defines comedy's cutting edge just as Letterman did ten years ago.
Even Shales loves "Late Night" these days. He calls O'Brien's turnaround "one of the most amazing transformations in television history."
O'Brien was born on April 18, 1963 in Brookline, Massachusetts. His father, a doctor, is a professor at Harvard Medical School. His mother, a lawyer, is a partner at an elite Boston Law firm. Conan, the third of six children became a lector at church and a misfit at school. Tall and goofy, bedeviled with acne, he tried to impress girls with jokes. That plan usually bombed, but O'Brien eventually found his niche at Harvard where he won the presidency of the "Harvard Lampoon" in 1983 and again in 1984 - the first two-time "Lampoon" president since humorist Robert Benchley held the honor 85 years ago.
After graduating magna cum laude with a double major in literature and American history he turned pro. Writing for HBO's "Not Necessarily The News." O'Brien was earning $100,000 a year before his 24th birthday. But writing was never enough.
He honed his performance skills with the Groundlings, a Los Angeles improv group. There he worked with his onetime girlfriend Lisa Kudrow, now starring on "Friends." But Conan was not such a standout. In 1988 he landed a job at "Saturday Night Live" - but as a writer, not as on-air talent. In almost four years on the show O'Brien made only fleeting appearances, usually as a crowd member or security guard. His writing was more memorable. He wrote (or co-wrote) Tom hanks' "Mr Short-Term Memory" skits as well as the "pump you up" infosatire of Hanz and Franz and the nude beach sketch in which Matthew Broderick and "SNL" members played nudists admiring one another's penises. With dozens of mentions of the word that hit was the most penis-heavy moment in TV history. It helped O'Brien win an Emmy for comedy writing.
In 1991 he quit "SNL" and moved on to "The Simpsons" where he worked for two years. His urge to perform came out in wall-bouncing antics in writers' meetings. "Conan makes you fall out of your chair" said "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening. O'Brien's yen to act out was so strong that he spurned Fox's reported seven-figure offer to continue as a writer. He was driving for the spotlight.
By then David Letterman had announced he was turning shin - leaving NBC taking his ton-rated act to CBS. Suddenly NBC was up a creek without a host. The network turned to Lorne Michaels, O'Brien's "Saturday Night Live" boss. Michaels enlisted Conan's help in the host search planning to use him in a behind-the-scenes job. But when Garry Shandling, Dana Carvey and almost every other star turned down the chore of following Letterman, Michaels finally listened to Conan's crazy suggestion, "Let me do it!" Michaels persuaded the network to entrust it's 12:30 slot which Letterman had turned into a gold mine to an untested wiseass from Harvard.
O'Brien was working on one of his last "Simpsons" episodes when he got the news. He turned "paler than usual," Groening recalled. The Conan moseyed back to where the other writers were working, "I'll come back with the Homer Simspon joke later. I have to go replace Letterman," he said.
NBC executives now get credit for their foresight during those dark days of 1993 and 1994. They snared the axe and now reap the multimillion-dollar spoils of that decision. In fact, the story is not so simple. We sent Contributing Editor Kevin Cook to unravel the tale of O'Brien's survival, which he tells here for the first time. Cook reports:
"His office is chock-full of significa. There's a three-foot plastic pickle the Letterman staff left behind in 1993 - perhaps to suggest what a predicament he was in. There's a copy of Jack Paar's 'I Kid You Not' and a coffee-table book called 'Saturday Night Live: The First 20 Years.' His bulletin board features letters from fans such as John Watters and Bob Dole and an 8" x 10" glossy of Andy Richter with the inscription: "To Conan - Your bitter jealousy warms my black heart. Love and Kisses Andy."
"Of course it's all for show. From the photos of kitch icons Adam West and Robert Stack to the framed Stan Laurel autograph, from the deathbed painting of Abraham Lincoln, to the ironic star taped to Conan's door - they're all clever signals that tell a visitor how to view the star. Lincoln was his collegiate preoccupation: stardom is his occupation. Somewhere between the two I hoped to find the real O'Brien.
"As a Playboy reader he wanted to give me a better-than-average interview. I wanted something more - a definitive look at the guy who may end up being the Johnny Carson of his generation."
"Here's hoping we succeeded. If not I carried his germs 3000 miles and infected dozens of Californians for no good reason.
O'Brien: Yes, this is how to do a Playboy Interview -- completely tanked on cold medicine. I'll pick it up and read, "Yes, I'm gay."
Playboy: We could talk another time. O'Brien: (coughing) No, it's OK. I memorized Dennis Rodman's answers. Can I use them?
Playboy: You sound really sick. Do you ever take a day off? O'Brien: No. The age of talk show hosts taking days off is over. Johnny Carson could go to Africa when he was the only game in town -- "See you in two weeks!" But nobody does that now. I will give you a million dollars on the first day Jay takes off for illness.
Playboy: Do you ever slow down and enjoy your success? O'Brien: If anything, the pace is picking up. Restaurateurs insist on giving me a table even if I'm only passing by, so I'm eating nine meals a night. Women stop me on the street and hand me their phone numbers.
Playboy: So you have groupies? O'Brien: Oh yes. And other fans. Drifters. Prisoners. Insomniacs. Cab Drivers, who must watch a lot of late night TV, seem to love me lately. They keep saying, "You will not pay, you will not pay, you make me happy!"
Playboy: How happy did your new contract make you? O'Brien: Terrified. The network said, "We're all set for five years." I said, "Shut up, shut up! I can't think that far ahead." Tonight, for instance, I do my jokes, then interview Elton John and Tim Meadows. We finished taping about 6:30. By 6:45 my memory was erased and my only thought was, Tomorrow: John Tesh. And I started to obsess about John Tesh. Sad, don't you think?
Playboy: Not too sad. You got off to a rocky start but now you're so hot that People magazine recently said, "that was then, this is wow." O'Brien: I try not to pay much attention. Since I ignored the critics who said I should shoot myself in the head with a German Luger, it would be cheating to tear out nice reviews now and rub them all over my body, giggling. Though I have thought about it.
Playboy: Tell us about your trademark gag. You interview a photo of Bill Clinton or some other celeb, and a pair of superimposed lips provide outrageous answers. O'Brien: We call it the Clutch Cargo bit, after that terrible old cartoon series. They saved money on animation by superimposing real lips on the cartoons. I wanted to do topical jokes in a cartoony way -- not just Conan doing quips at a desk. TV is visual; I want things to look funny. But we're not Saturday Night Live; we couldn't spend $100,000 on it. Hence, the cheap, cheesy lips, You'd be surprised how many people we fool.
Playboy: Viewers believe that's really the president yelling, "Yee-haw! Who's got a joint?" O'Brien: It's strange. You may know intellectually that Clinton doesn't talk like Foghorn Leghorn. Ninety-eight percent of your brain knows the president wouldn't say, "Whoa Conan get a load of that girl!" But there are a few brain cells that aren't sure. When Bob Dole was running for president we had him doing a past-life regression: "My cave, get away." And then back further, "Must form flippers to crawl on to rocky soil," he says. There may be people out there who believe that Bob Dole was the first amphibian.
Playboy: Do you ever go too far? O'Brien: The fun is in going too far. It's a nice device because you get Bill Clinton to do the nastiest Bill Clinton jokes. We'll have Clinton making fart noises while I say "Sir! Please!"
Playboy: Are you enjoying your job now, with your new success? O'Brien: Well, there are surprises. I hate surprises. Like most comics, I'm a control freak. But I am learning that the show works best when things are out of control. Tonight I ask Elton John if he likes being neighbors with Joan Collins. He says he isn't neighbors with Joan Collins. He lives next door to Tina Turner. So I panic -- huge mistake! But Elton saves the day. "Joan Collins, Tina Turner, it doesn't matter. Either way I could borrow a wig," he says. Huge laugh, all because I fucked up. Later he surprised me by blurting out that he's hung like a horse. The camera cuts to me shaking my head: That crazy Elton. What can I do? Of course, I'm delighted that he went too far.
Playboy: That "What can I do?" look resembles a classic take of Jack Benny's. O'Brien: There's an old saying in literature: "Good poets borrow; great poets steal." I think T.S. Eliot stole it from Ezra Pound. Comics steal, too. Constantly. When I watched Johnny Carson, I noticed that he got a few takes from Benny and Bob Hope. When a comedy writer told me how much Woody Allen had borrowed from Hope, I thought, What? They're nothing alike. Then I went back and watched Son of Paleface, and there's Hope, the nervous city guy backing up on his heels, wringing his hands and saying, "Sorry, I'll just be moving along." Now look at early Woody Allen. You see big authority figures and Woody nervously saying, "Look, I'll just be on my way." Of course Woody made it his own, but he must have watched and loved Bob Hope.
Playboy: Who are your role models? O'Brien: Carson. Woody Allen. SCTV. Peter Sellers. When Peter Sellers died I felt such a loss, thinking, There won't be anymore of that. There's some Steve Martin in my false bravado with female guests: "Why, hel-lo there!" And I won't deny having some Letterman in my bones.
Playboy: You were surprise as Letterman's successor. At first you seemed like the wrong choice. O'Brien: I didn't get ratings. That doesn't mean I didn't get laughs. Yes, I had a giant pompadour and I looked like a rockabilly freak. I was too excited, pushed too hard, and people said, "That guy isn't a polished performer." Fine! But it isn't my goal to be Joe Handsomehead cool, smooth talk show host. Late Night with Conan O'Brien is supposed to be a work in progress, and now that we've had some success there's a danger of our getting too polished and morphing into something smoothly professional. Which would suck.
Do you know why I wanted this show? Because Late Night with David Letterman played with the rules and it looked like fun. Here was a place where people did risky comedy every night for millions of people. We had to keep this thing alive. There should be a place on a big network where people are still messing around.
Playboy: How bad were your early days on the show? O'Brien: Bad. Dave left here under a cloud: his fans and the media were angry with NBC. Then NBC picks a guy with crazy hair and a weird name. And the world says, "Harvard? Those guys are assholes." I sincerely hope that the winter of December 1993, our first winter, was the worst time I will ever have. I'd go out to do the warm up and the back two rows of seats would be empty. That's hard to look at. I would tell a joke and then hear someone whisper, "Who's he? Where's Dave?"
Playboy: You had trouble getting guests. O'Brien: Bob Denver canceled on us. We shot a test show with Al Lewis of The Munsters. We did the clutch cargo thing with a photo of Herman Munster. Unfortunately, Fred Gwynne, who played Herman, had recently died, and Al Lewis kept pointing at the screen, saying, "You're dead! I was at your funeral!"
Playboy: For months you got worried notes from network executives. What did they say? O'Brien: They were worried. The fact that Lorne Michaels was involved bought me some time. But Lorne had turned to me at the start and said, "OK, Conan. What do you want to do?" Now television critics were after me and the network was starting to realize what a risk I was. Suggestions came fast and furious. I kept the note that said, "Why don't you just die?"
Playboy: Did they suggest ways to be funnier? O'Brien: They were more specific and tactical. The network gets very specific data. Say there was a drop in ratings between 12:44 and 12:48 when I was talking to Jon Bon Jovi. I'll be told, "Don't ever talk to him again" Or they'll want me to tease viewers into staying with us: "You should tease that -- say, 'We'll have nudity coming up next!'"
Playboy: You did come close to being cancelled. O'Brien: We were cancelled.
Playboy: Really? You have never admitted that. O'Brien: This is the first time I've talked about it. When I had been on for about a year, there was a meeting at the network. They decided to cancel my show. They said, "It's cancelled." Next day they realized they had nothing to put in the 12:30 slot, so we got a reprieve.
Playboy: Were you worried sick? O'Brien: I went into denial. I tried hard not to think, Yes, I'm bad on the air and my show has none of the things a TV show needs to survive. We had no ratings. No critics in our corner. Advertisers didn't like us. Affiliates wanted to drop us. Sometimes I'd meet a programming director from a local station where we had no rating at all. The guy would show me a printout with no number for Late Night's rating, just a hash mark or pound sign. I didn't dare think about that when I went out to do the show.
Playboy: Are you defending denial? O'Brien: How else does anyone get through a terrible experience? The odds were against me. Rationally, I didn't have much chance. Denial was my only friend. When I look back on the first year, it's like a scene from an old war movie: Ordinary guy gets thrown into combat, somehow beats impossible odds, staggers to safety. His buddy say, "You could have been killed!" The guy stops and thinks. "Could have been killed?" he says. His eyes cross and he faints.
Playboy: How did you dodge the bullet? O'Brien: There were people at NBC who stood up for me. I will always be indebted to Don Ohlmeyer, who stuck to his guns. Don said, "We chose this guy. We should stick with him unless we get a better plan." He was brutally honest. He came to me and said, "Give me about a 15 percent bump in the ratings and you'll stay on the air. If not, we're going to move on."
Playboy: Ohlmeyer started his career in the sports division. O'Brien: Exactly, his take was, "You're on our team." Of course, it wasn't exactly rational of Don to hope I'd be 15 percent funnier. It was like telling a farmer, "It better rain this week or we'll take your farm away."
Playboy: What did you say to Ohlmeyer? O'Brien: There wasn't time. I had to go out and do a monologue. But I will always be indebted to Don because he told me the truth. Wait a minute -- you have tricked me into talking lovingly about an NBC executive. Let me say that there were others who were beneath contempt -- executives who wouldn't know a good show if it swam up their asses and lit a campfire.
Playboy: Finally the ratings went your way. Hard work rewarded? O'Brien: Well, I also paid off the Nielsen people. That was $140,000 well spent.
Playboy: Ohlmeyer plus bribery saved you? O'Brien: There was something else. Just when everyone was kicking the crap out of the show, Letterman defended me.
Playboy: Letterman had signed off on NBC saying, "I don't really know Conan O'Brien, but I heard he killed someone." O'Brien: Then I pick up the paper and he's saying he thinks I am going to make it. "They do some interesting, innovative stuff over there," he says. "I think Conan will prevail." And then he came on as a guest. Remember, this was when we were at our nadir. There was no Machiavellian reason for David Letterman, who at the time was the biggest thing in show business, to be on my show.
Playboy: Why did he do it? O'Brien: I'm still not sure. Maybe out of a sense of honor. Fair play. And it woke me up. It made me think. Hey, we have a real fucking television show here.
Of six or seven pivotal points in my short history here, that was the first and maybe the biggest. I wouldn't be sitting here -- I probably wouldn't even exist today -- if he hadn't done our show.
Playboy: The Late Night wars were hardly noted for friendly gestures. O'Brien: How little you understand. Jay, Dave and I pal around all the time. We often ride a bicycle built for three up to the country. "Nice job with Fran Drescher!" "Thanks, pal. You weren't so bad with John Tesh." We sleep in triple-decker bunk beds and snore in unison like the Three Stooges.
Playboy: You talk more about Letterman than your NBC teammate Leno. O'Brien: I hate the "Leno or Letterman, who's better?" question. I can tell you that Jay has been great to me. He calls me occasionally.
Playboy: To say what? O'Brien: (Doing Leno's voice) "Hey, liked that bit you did last night." Or he'll say he saw we got a good rating. I call him at work, too. It can be a strange conversation because we're so different. Jay, for instance, really loves cars. He's got antique cars with kerosene lanterns, cars that run on peat moss. He'll be telling me about some classic car he has, made entirely of brass and leather, and I'll say, "Yeah, man, I got the Taurus with the vinyl." One thing we have in common is bad guests. There are certain actors, celebrities with nothing to say, who move through the talk show world wreaking havoc. They lay waste to Dave's town and Jay's town, then head my way.
Playboy: You must be getting some good guests. Your ratings have shown a marked improvement. O'Brien: Remember, when you're on at 12:30 the Nielsens are based on 80 people. My ratings drop if one person has a head cold and goes to bed early.
Playboy: Actually, you're seen by about 3 million people a night. Your ratings would be even higher if college dorms weren't excluded from the Nielsens. How many points does that cost you? O'Brien: I told you I'm an idiot. Now I have to do math too?
Playboy: Do you still get suggestions from NBC executives? O'Brien: Not as many. The number of notes you get is inversely proportional to your ratings.
Playboy: What keeps you motivated? O'Brien: Superstition. We have a stagehand, Bobby Bowman, who holds up the curtain when I run out for the monologue. He is the last person I see before the show starts, and I have to make him laugh before I go out. It started with mild jabs: "Bobby, you're drunk again." Bobby laughs, "Heehee."" Then it was, "Still having trouble with the wife, Bobby?" But after hundreds of shows, you find yourself running out of lines. It's gotten to where I do crass things at the last second. I'll put his hand on my ass and yell, "You fucking pervert!" Or drop to my knees and say, "Come on, Bobby, I'll give you a blow job!"
"Ha-ha. Conan, you're crazy," he says. But even that stuff wears off. Soon, I'll be making the writers work late to give me new jokes for Bobby.
Playboy: Did you plan to be a talk show host or did you fall into the job? O'Brien: I was an Irish Catholic kid from St. Ignatius parish in Brookline, outside of Boston. And that meant: Don't call attention to yourself. Don't ask for too much when the pie comes around. Don't get a girl pregnant and fuck up your life.
Playboy: Were you an alter boy? O'Brien: I wanted to be an alter boy, but the priest at St. Ignatius said, "No, no. You're good on your feet, kid," and made me a lector. A scripture reader at Mass. He was the one who spotted my talent.
Playboy: What did you think of sex in those days? O'Brien: I was sexually repressed. At 16 I still thought human reproduction was by mitosis.
Playboy: How did you get over your sexual repression? O'Brien: Who says I got over it? My leg has been jiggling this whole time.
Playboy: What were you like in high school? O'Brien: Like a crane galumphing down the hall. A crane with weird hair, bad skin and Clearasil. Big enough for basketball but lousy at it. My older brothers were better. I would compensate by running around the court doing comedy, saying, "Look out, this player has a drug addiction. He's incredibly egotistical."
I was an asshole at home, too. My little brother Justin loved playing cops and robbers, but I kept tying him up with bureaucratic bullshit. When he'd catch me, I'd say, "I get to call my lawyer." Then it was, "OK, Justin, we're at trial and you've been charged with illegal arrest. Fill out these forms in triplicate." Justin was eight; he hated all the lawsuits and countersuits. He just cried.
Playboy: Were you a class clown? O'Brien: Never. I was never someone who walked into a room full of strangers and started telling jokes. You had to get to know me before I could make you laugh. The same thing happened with Late Night. I needed to get the right rhythm with Andy and Max and the audience.
Playboy: So how did you finally learn about sex? O'Brien: My parents gave me a book, but it was useless. At the crucial moment, all it showed was a man and a woman with the bed covers pulled up to their chins. I tried to find out more from friends, but it didn't help. One childhood friend told me it was like parking a car in a garage. I kept worrying about poisonous fumes. What if the fumes build up? Should you shut off the engine?
Playboy: For all your talk about being repressed, you can be rowdy on the air. O'Brien: The show is my escape valve. When I tear off my shirt and gyrate my pelvis like Robert Plant, feigning orgasm into the microphone, that shows how repressed I am -- a guy who wants to push his sex at the lens but can only do it as a joke.
Playboy: Aren't you tempted to live it up? O'Brien: I always imagined that if I were a TV star I would live the way I pictured Johnny Carson living. Carousing, stepping out of a limo wearing a velvet ascot with a model on my arm. Now that I have the TV show, I drive up to Connecticut on the weekends and tool around in my car. I could probably join a free-sex cult, smoke crack between orgies and drive sports cars into swimming pools, and my Catholic guilt would still be there, throbbing like a toothache. Be careful. If something good happens, something bad is on the way.
Playboy: Yet you don't mind licking the supermodels. O'Brien: At one point a few of them lived in my building, women who are so beautiful they almost look weird, like aliens. To me, a woman who has a certain approachable amount of beauty becomes almost funny. It's the same with male supermodels. They look like big puppets. So while I admire their beauty I probably won't be "romantically linked" with a model. I'd catch my reflection in a ballroom mirror and break up laughing.
Playboy: The horny Roy Orbison growl you use on gorgeous guests sounds real enough -- O'Brien: Oh, I've been doing that shit since high school. It just never worked before.
Playboy: Your father is a doctor, your mother an attorney. What do they think of their son the comedian? O'Brien: My dad was the one who told me denial was a virtue. "Denial is how people get through horrible things," he said. He also cut out a newspaper article in which I said I was making money off something for which I should probably be treated. So true, he thought. But when I got an Emmy for helping write Saturday Night Live, my parents put it on the mantel next to the crucifix. Here's Jesus looking over, saying, "Wow, I saved mankind from sin, but I wish I had an Emmy."
Playboy: Ever been in therapy? O'Brien: Yes. I don't trust it. I have told therapists that I don't particularly want to feel good. "Repression and fear, that's my fuel." But the therapists said that I had nothing to worry about. "Don't worry Conan you will always be plenty fucked up."
Playboy: When a female guest comes out, how do you know whether to shake her hand or kiss her? Is that rehearsed O'Brien: No, and it's awkward. If you go to shake her hand and her head starts coming right at you, you have to change strategy fast. I have thought about using the show to make women kiss me, but that would probably creep out the people at home. I decided not to kiss Elton John.
Playboy: Do you get all fired up if Cindy Crawford or Rebecca Romijn does the show? O'Brien: I like making women laugh. Always have, ever since I discovered you can get girls' attention by acting like an ass. That's one of the joys of the show -- I'm working my eyebrows and going grrr and she's laughing, the audience is laughing. It's all a big put-on and I'm thinking. This is great. Here is a beautiful woman who has no choice but to put up with this shit.
But it's not always put on. Sometimes they flirt back. Sometimes there's a bit of chemistry. That happened with Jennifer Connelly of The Rocketeer.
Playboy: One guest, Jill Hennessy, took off her pants for you. Then you removed yours. Even Penn and Teller took off their pants. O'Brien: Something comes over me. It happened with Rebecca Romijn -- I was practically climbing her. Those are the times when Andy and the audience seem to disappear and it's just me and this lovely woman sitting there flirting. I keep expecting a waiter to say, "More wine, Monsieur?"
Playboy: Would you lick the wine bottle? O'Brien: It's true, there's a lot of licking on the show. I have licked guests. I have licked Andy. Comedy professionals will read this and say, "Great work, Conan. Impressive." But I have learned that if you lick a guest, people laugh. If I pick this shoe off the floor, examine it, Hmmm, and then lick it, people laugh. I learned this lesson on The Simpsons, where I was the writer who was forever trying to entertain the other writers. I still try desperately to make our writers laugh, which is probably a sign of sickness since they work for me now. Licking is one of those things that look funny.
Playboy: Johnny Carson never licked Ed McMahon. O'Brien: We are much more physical and more stupid than the old Tonight Show. Even in our offices before the show there's always some writer acting out a scene crashing his head through my door. A behind-the-scenes look at our show might frighten people.
Playboy: One night you showed a doctored photo of Craig T. Nelson having sex with Jerry Van Dyke. Did they complain about it? O'Brien: I haven't heard from them. Of course I'm blessed not to be a part of the celebrity pond. I have a television show in New York, an NBC outpost. I don't run with or even run into many Hollywood people.
Playboy: You also announced that Tori Spelling has a penis. O'Brien: I did not. Polly the Peacock said that.
Playboy: Another character you use to say the outrageous stuff. O'Brien: Polly is not popular with the network.
Playboy: You mock Fabio, too. O'Brien: If he sues me, it'll be the best thing that ever happened. A publicity bonanza: Courtroom sketches of Fabio with his man-boobs quivering, shaking his fist, and me shouting at him across the courtroom. I'm not afraid of Fabio. He knows where to find me. I'm saying it right here for the record: Fabio, let's get it on.
Playboy: Ever have a run-in with an angry celeb? O'Brien: I did a Kelsey Grammar joke a few years ago, something about his interesting lifestyle, then heard through the network that he was upset. He had appeared on my show and expected some support. At this point my intellect says, "Kelsey Grammar is a public figure. I was in the right." Then I saw him in an airport. Kelsey didn't see me at first: I could have kept walking. But there he was, eating a cruller in the airport lounge. I thought I should go over. I said hello and then said, "Kelsey, I'm sorry if I upset you." And he was glad. He looked relieved. He said, "Oh, that's OK." We both felt better.
....See my other post with the last third of the interview