Suicide from lamictal | | MakeMyChoice: Get your choices made.

So I’m about to start taking Abilify and so far on reddit i’ve seen very few positive things that are to be said about this medication. I’m very scared to start taking it now due to what i’ve seen on here as well as reading the side effects. I am currently on lamictal and it’s definetly helped steady my mood swings. Now i just feel suicidal everyday and have to fight myself from self harming. I’m tired of feeling this way and with do almost anything to make it stop.
But I am horrified to start this medication for fear it will make everything worse or make me feel nothing at all. Is there anything positive to be said about this medication and how it improved peoples lives?

A new patient(F45) mildly obese was brought in who was planned for ECT in a week. Though she might actually be bipolar (atleast on the spectrum). She was terrified of ECT.
She had severe depression including suicidality and severe agitation.
She was on Lithium 600mg/day (Started recently), Lamotrigine 200mg, Lexapro 20mg and clonazepam 1mg with quietiapine 50mg for sleep.
Since 2023 she'd been experiencing strange episodes according to her family.
Here's all the history and symptoms provided about these episodes since 2023 :

Agitation/Inner restlessness: Unable to remain calm/sit still. Blaming all of her symptoms on this restlessness. When this comes the other symptoms which I'll mention come along too:
Crying and shouting loudly (simply can not control this to sorta escape)
Excessive anger and snapping at/blaming others for no reason: Involuntarily blame people for the most random and petty things who've been the most helpful and kind.
Very Irritable.
Suicidality (to escape the restlessness). Suicidal attempts in aggression where she had to be stopped with a lot of physical force.
Guilt and worthlessness
Irrational/Questionable decisions and behaviors were almost always noted by family members during these periods accompanied with extreme impatience.
Energy: Being fatigued and unmotivated that she can't even move or do stuff. But at the same time having so much Energy to shout so loud and rip her chest open to escape the "agitation".
Pupils were dilated when I saw her.

After her lexapro was increased to 20MG her symptoms have been just worsening and worsening including suicidality.
Benzos would do nothing even injectable ones for the agitation.
Then today when she came to me during the severe agitation I immediately thought of a mixed state. Gave her zyprexa and asked to taper down the lexapro.
After she took the zyprexa (sublingual) in about 2 hours experienced tremendous relief - felt calm, brain went silent and took a long nap quite refreshing. She wasn't bothered by people talking. She wasn't irritated. She just felt normal. The relief seemed never-ending.
It makes sense now how being put on lamictal back in 2023 put her into remission and it kept masking Lexapro's rebound effect(in bipolar)
I'm honestly unsure why high dose Lexapro was continued over a year (even though there was a clear worsening of symptoms with dosage increase) and why high dose benzodiazepines were constantly being used to control the agitation despite having little to no effect. Even effexor was started in cross-titration with Lexapro which further worsened her suicidality etc?
Sorta leaning towards ECT and later on adjusting the medications because it does seem to be severe and ECT it is quite effective though the patient wants to try the no-ssri approach.
If we do go with the latter approach, I plan on : - Switch to Vraylar for its good evidence in mixed states. Cariprazine is dirt cheap here.

Stick to Lamotrigine and increase Lithium/ Switch to Valproate(Good evidence in mixed features).
Wellbutrin for depression if it does not or only partially responds to psychotherapy.
Gabapentin.
Low dose Trazodone for insomnia.

Perhaps the increased energy from the (hypo)mania and the activation from the SSRI is resulting in the restlessness which explains the relief from Olanzapine. I've seen many hypomanic patients who'd get so restless that they wanted to crawl out of their own skin.
What's your go to treatment for mixed states? What about the efficacy of Lithium in mixed bipolarity? Which mood stabilizers seem to work best?

I’m trying lamictal soon, starting at 25 mg and then increasing to 50. I’m pretty nervous, this is my first mood stabilizer, my psychiatrist hasn’t diagnosed me with anything yet, but said I had I had overlapping and I’m not sure if it’d be out of pocket to ask symptoms of what? I struggle with really bad depression episodes, go from being fine to suicidal, I can’t experience normal sadness, it’s always wanting to die. I’m currently on Zoloft and wellbulltrin, I really would rather not be on all 3 but I’m excited to see how it goes but also scared.

i have a hard time in general with starting new meds. just started lamictal 25 mg at night and am supposed to titrate up to a therapeutic dose. the intention to start the med was to help dissociation and stabilize me during this “crisis” period… however my suicidal thoughts have revved up, i feel so far from everyone in my life and can’t even be present at work. i’m scared i wont feel normal again and right now it’s agony. i guess my question is could the new med be making this worse? it’s my last ditch effort at medication and it hurting my soul knowing this made have just made things worse

I am currently on a low dose of lamotrigine (generic version of lamictal) and have been taking it since December of last year. We had to work slowly to increase my dosage bc moving too fast caused increased suicidal thoughts and irritability.
At first I felt like I was making progress and my moods started to feel less extreme between highs and lows. But lately I am feeling as if the meds are not doing anything for me at this point, other than feeling more heightened anxiety and tiredness. However, my psychiatrist said the anxiety could be stemming from other life situations I have going on. I am just not sure which it is.
So she recommended maybe switching to Latuda, if anyone has experiences on this med if you can share your thoughts/how it’s worked for you?

F23 Weight: 130 PMH: Mild Cerebral Palsy Unspecified Type, Hydrocephalus, Nystagmus, Strabismus, Doesn’t Smoke, Doesn’t Drink, GERD, Anxiety, Depression, High Cholesterol, Sinus Tachycardia
Meds: effexor, Lamictal, metoprolol,pravastatin, Flonase, claritin, sumatriptan, topamax, depo provera(going off the shot), miralax, OTC pain killers
So, I have been struggling with a stiff neck, pain in my forehead, top of my head, and back of my head. It is a dull burning type pain. It burns in the neck and also in my ears, eyes, and cheeks. In December, I also had Strep and Scarlet fever but I never had that again. However, I do have tonsil stones and tonsilitis. I am due to get my tonsils removed in June. Since I have been getting these headaches, they did a CT scan of my brain due to my history of hydrocephalus. So, they looked at My VP Shunt and brain and it was fine. However, April 21st, the pain did not respond to pain killers anymore and I got dropped off to the ER. They immediately took my temperature and thought I had meningitis because my fever was 100.4. So they admitted me to Family Medicine. I refused the Spinal Tap admittedly, but the other resident thought I did not have meningitis because there was no kernig sign. However, they gave me Vancomycin anyways. Aside from the allergic reaction I had, I still had to get another CT scan of my brain to check for hydrocephalus again and an xray of My shunt. It was okay. When the neurologist arrived, he gave me topamax and sumatriptan for the night and it seemed to have worked for the first time but it barely worked for the 2nd day. So I ended up getting very scared and suicidal and ended up wanting to go to the psychiatric hospital so they can manage my migraine meds. However things Just did not improve much. FYI: A neurosurgeon is on board now and im going to see a neurologist. It may be a neck issue but I think DEPO is doing this.

Im in my early 30st. I had a handicap since i was a kid that led to a childhood full of bullying and resentment. Was SAed by a trusted family member (not close family) Bullied throughout kindergarten, elementary, and secondary school, it triggered me do much that I Feveloped a skin rash linked to stress and uncured. Got type 2 diabetes at age 14. Had body image issues as a teen/young adult.
Started self harming on and off by age 14.
My older siblings were overlooked since i got all the focus and attention being the youngest child and the sick one. I had to be accompanied by my parents for physical therapy and for talk therapy (for kids) for years and years. So i lived with the feeling of guilt since i took away all our parents focus, and time.
By 19h i was officially diagnosed with chronical depression and general anxiety. Started using meds to just survive day to day life, but was never happy or anxiety free, just alive.
By age 25 i tried to commit suicide and failed. (Insulin overdose: no one knew it was intentional).
I turned 30 and my doctor officially diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. I read about it and it makes sense.
I have a job that im giving the bare minimum to, and feels guilty for letting them down. No friends because i cant keep a human relationships since i go through a lit of isolating phases. I still see myself as the biggest burden to my old and tired parents. And a disappointment to my own self. I dont want to get better i want to disappear.
Im thinking about ending it all.
I dont want to traumatize my parents so no jumping from the rooftop or hanging in my room, im doing it by meds.
I heard that if u mess up you can fuck urself up and not die so im looking for tips to not fuck it up.
Meds that i have access to: fast acting insulin Risperdal (raspidone) bromazepam (lesomil) Lamictal (Lamotrigine)
I dont want to suffer and end up in a coma. I want to fall asleep peacefully and never wake up. What is the perfect mix to get this result?

I’m trying to make this as neutral as possible to get more objective replies. I didn’t mean for it to be soooo long but I read the detail rules.
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My diagnoses includes possible bipolar II, BPD, ADHD, GAD, PTSD and severe irritable bowel syndrome, short (<1y) history of anorexia.. I have high blood pressure and acid reflux which are both well controlled with medicine. I am 30 years old and a female-to-male transsexual (my preferred term, he/him/his) on testosterone since 2015 and post-op. 5’5”(163cm), 166lbs (75kg). I vape nicotine and drink socially (and don’t socialise very often, max twice a month), no other substance use.
My psych meds in the morning are Viibryd 20mg (since summer 2022), lamictal 100mg (since April/May 2023), wellbutrin xl 300mg (since summer 2022). I also take dicyclomine (antispasmodic for IBS, new since April ‘24) and I usually do not eat breakfast as the dicyclomine needs time to work. This didn’t change, the antispasmodic I was on before also needed time to work. Also, I’m just not hungry.
My psych meds before bed are lamictal 200mg (since 2012) and latuda 20mg (since Sept 2023). I also take norvasc (high blood pressure), finastride & minoxidil (hair loss), and famotidine (acid reflux), and a probiotic/prebiotic. Occasionally I need mucinex and/or melatonin.
I have Ativan as a PRN but haven’t used it since fall 2023.
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My prescriber wants to deprescribe. He is looking at eliminating Viibryd in part because of seizure concerns. I’ve never had a seizure, but I did have 20 sessions of ECT in summer 2023 (idk if that affects my current susceptibility to it). I will be advocating to replace it with another SSRI. I was on venlafaxine 2011-summer 2022 but when I came off it my anxiety skyrocketed and my IBS became so bad I could not keep food in me for more than two hours. Adding Viibryd helped, but did not completely solve things. I started seeing a GI to help with IBS and I’m on an antispasmodic from him, but still it is not effective enough. Additionally, last time we decreased Viibryd (April 2023, from 20 to 10) I became suicidal and anxiety got a lot worse. That was when he added the morning lamictal, which was very helpful. The Viibryd dose went back up to 20 when I was hospitalized last summer (as was the latuda, which I have found to be very helpful).
He also wants to reduce my wellbutrin to 150. I was initially on 150 when I started and it was increased (by a prescriber in a PHP) to 300 because it wasn’t as effective as we wanted.
I want to add an ADHD med, in part because things will get worse with it if we go down on the wellbutrin and also because I have noticed I am more impaired by my symptoms now that I am in a new job that has different demands on by cognition (also I’ve been more distractable while driving which is not good).
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To give a brief psych history: Dx with ADHD at 7, GAD around 10. First psych hospitalization at age 16 due to rapid onset of self harm and suicidal ideation. Two more that year for suicidality. Went to college 2012-17. One hospitalization in fall 2012 for suicide plan and another for 2016 to address medication as I noticed signs of hypomania (dad has BP). Came out as FTM 2014, started testosterone 2015, never looked back. Stopped therapy after graduation; couldn’t find a suitable provider. Remained on medication with a psychiatrist. Chest surgery 2019. Smooth sailing until 2022, when I began to seek bottom surgery (had to actually confront the dysphoria instead of burry it). Relapse with self-harm and suicidality. PHP May-June 2022, IOP June-Aug 2022. Continued individual therapy afterwards. Hysterectomy Aug ‘22 had severe complications requiring (medical) hospitalization. Developed (diagnosed) PTSD from events of that hospitalization. rTMS Jan-March ‘23; helped with anxiety but not depression. Increased suicidality & anxiety spring 2023, tried ECT that summer, 20 sessions. Hospitalized most of Aug ‘23 due to increased SI. Readmitted ~2 weeks after discharge. Released end of Sept to receive bottom surgery (Oct 11, ‘23), which went perfectly and has had such a great impact on my QoL. PHP Sept-Oct 23, IOP Nov-Dec 23. Switched individual therapists during that time. Increased SI March/April 2024 (just like the previous two years). Doing -much- better now, but still emotionally labile.
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I left a job as a teacher’s aide in an elementary school after 5y in January, after confirming that I was hired to do psychschoscial rehab with a mental health agency. The job switch has been great, but it meant I didn’t see my prescriber Jan-April. Got him in touch with my therapist and they had a peer-to-peer. The next time I saw my therapist after that she starts talking about this deprescribing plan. I’m very skeptical. It feels like I’m just getting my life together. I have a job that has a career path, not a dead end, I’m reapplying to grad school, I’ve been able to be more financially independent because I’m making considerably more money at the new job (still living with parents, though). I’m rebuilding the most important relationship (non-romantic, just friends) that crumbled with my hospitalization last year as we realized just how codependent (in the actual sense of the word) it had gotten. I don’t want to risk that with a medication change.
It was proposed that this be done in a hospital, but because my prescriber is a nurse practitioner, he doesn’t have privileges anywhere and it would have to be handled at the county hospital because he has a connection with a doctor there. Their psych unit is crap, but the idea was to have it done in a medical wing, which sounds isolating as hell. Also I just don’t have the time off from work (it’s accumulated during the first year) and I’m not yet eligible for FMLA. And I planned on taking graduate courses this summer.
I’m all for being on as little medication as possible, but I don’t want to make changes like it’s an experiment. I don’t want to risk feeling suicidal. But I also want to trust my providers.
I would try to get a second opinion from a different prescriber and not just ask strangers on Reddit, but I can’t find anyone with availability and willingness to do a 2nd opinion.

Hi everyone. I’m 23 and I got off Pristiq this past December and tapered to February. I had been on this SNRI for 6 years. I experienced SEVERE withdrawals including manic behavior (which has never happened in my life before) that put me in serious danger, brain zaps, a feeling of “cotton wool” in my brain, insomnia, crying bouts, diarrhea (still) and more. I went into the psych ward in January and they diagnosed me with bipolar (which my later drs disputed and believed it was all due to the withdrawal, now I’m just kind of waiting and seeing but there’s no doubt I was going through withdrawals..) and I was placed on 6 different meds in 10 days and that just screwed me up more - I left doped up and even more erratic. I had to take leave from my job and go back home for a few weeks to continue this withdrawal in outpatient care.
My NP from outpatient and I ultimately settled on paliperidone and risperdol to help the taper. I finished pristiq with these meds. Then when I came back at the end of February my meds were switched again by my psychiatrist to lamictal (which I was excited to try) and some other stuff I can’t even remember.. by the end of March I was so deeply suicidal that my mom had to come down and live with me for the month of April. At that point (end of March) I said fuck it that’s enough and just stopped all my meds. I seriously had a buffet of different meds over these last few months and I was sick of being at the whim of them, when the whole reason I started this process was because I was doing so consistently well that my Dr said I could get off..
Now it’s May and I had a massive panic attack yesterday and I am still so deeply depressed more than I have ever been before. I’m just so confused, upset and I feel like my life is ruined/over. My entire personality is gone, im not myself and don’t know how to have fun anymore, nothing feels pleasurable at all not even watching a tv show, im a recent post grad living alone and so that’s been a huge adjustment, and I had to put all my goals on hold and now I’m seriously doubting that I can ever reach them. I’m so stressed out about my career. I absolutely hate myself, feel like a failure/damaged goods, and every day is a fight against suicidal ideation. My negative thoughts feel almost impulsive and so hard to control and tbh I’m letting them win. I’ve been through a lot in my life, I have CPTSD, and I’ve always been super resilient and bright/outgoing/personable but this has really knocked me down and I feel like there is truly no coming back this time. I really feel that I don’t have the strength to fight any more..
If anyone has been through anything similar, please I’m looking for some hope/advice. I’ve seen people say that this can go on for over a year. I feel like I am changed forever and I’ve lost myself. I’m considering moving back home at this point.. I have been taking agmatine sulfate and omega 3s and that seems to help. I’m going to therapy twice a week, including EMDR. I exercise 2-3 times a week. I go to work. I’ve been sleeping well. I’m trying to coordinate outings with friends but it sucks bc I’m not myself and they can tell.. I feel like I’m in a hole and forever stuck. I can’t tell if at this point it’s withdrawals or just a mindset… thank you all for reading I know this was a lot/potentially confusing, any reply is deeply appreciated.

About a year ago I told my therapist I think I have avpd, after she looked into it she said we’ll work based off that diagnosis. I work in a social occupation. My job is basically to talk and make connections with people. It makes me wonder if I’m malingering.
I’m on lexapro, lamictal, and adderall. When I’m off my meds I’m a mess. I’m suicidal, I isolate, and I can’t function.
I’ve been consistent with my meds lately and I have more energy (though I’m still fairly exhausted and fatigued but I am getting tested for autoimmune issues).
Does anyone feel that they can function well but internally feel different? I feel like I am wrong most of the time and I’m somehow messing things up. I also feel like I’m on the opposite end of that, like I feel that I can do better than others. It shifts from egotistical to self deprecating.
I don’t know if it’s a avpd thing or a depression thing or anxiety. Or if I’m unconsciously making things up to feel sorry for myself? I don’t know, I just want to be a good person.

I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for years since a breakup from my first boyfriend. I took celexa for 12 years and I was stable until I decided to try another antidepressant to help me with fatigue from celexa. I reacted pretty bad to Prozac, Wellbutrin, Nortriptyline Zoloft and even lamictal ( Felt better for a week then way way worse with suicidal ideation). I saw a psychiatrist and she immediately diagnosed me with bipolar 2. I read her reviews and all her patients said she diagnoses everyone with bipolar disorder. I am now terrified of meds. I think ever since this idea of bipolar started I got worse and worse everyday because I’m too terrified of meds and going through changing them. I am losing my mind because I now don’t trust the doctor but I have researched and I feel like I have some signs of bipolar spectrum I feel like I can’t find the answer l. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am working 2 full time jobs. My husband was laid off. Our mortgage rate has been doubled and with this issue I am just feeling my life is over. How do I know if these antipsychotics and antidepressant combos won’t make me worse?! How do I trust my diagnosis ? The more I read about it the more I try to find out if I am hypomanic or depressed or if I should trust my judgement … I am so confused and scared.

Hi community was just curious to know if you have anything to share about your experiences with bipolabpd meds or anti-depressants (i know they are different i have both Bipolar2 and BPD) cover the course of this journey that started with my initial diag of clinical depression with suicidal inclinations i was given different combinations of SSRIs. I then develop anxiety started having panic attacks. I don’t know if it just was because covud fucked us all or if i was vulnerable that time. Had a attempt of which i am not proud of (suicide). As soon aa i started tapering from meds i couldn’t sleep. I never had experiences of not being able to sleep but then doc said i might have insomnia. I still have insomnia after all these years. My faternal aunt and my grandmother both were on sleeping pilla at some point of their life, they had insomia. Not sure if this runs in the family but anyways doc atleast could have inform this upfront to me when i shared my family history. Now two weeks back go lt my diag of Bipolar2 and BPD currently on mood stabilizers doing okayish.
If anyone is curious these are the meds i took over the course of 2017-2023 (on and off prescribed by different doc)
Petril MD 0.5 Mirtaz 25 mg Etizolam 25 mg Rexipra - 10 mg Quetipine - 25 mg Olanzapine 5 mg Melatonin 5 mg Clonazepam 0.25 mg Ventab DXT 25
Currently on Lamictal 25 mg taking twice daily and seroquel 50 mg.

3 years ago i felt lost and suicidal from my derealization. Every person in my life didn’t look real and i felt no connection, just alone. Since i have been off of my cymbalta and only on lamictal 150(been on it for two years) and wellbutrin(one month in) it’s back and bigger than ever.
If you have never experienced this consider yourself lucky. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my work enemy and since 2 am (it’s not 8am) i’ve been in a panic and i’m considering going to the hospital. I’ve been to the hospital for panic attacks and i know all they are good for is making sure u don’t kill yourself. I feel so hopeless right now.
I am leaving for a non refundable trip to puerto rico in literally a week in a half. There is no way I can get through that like this or even remotely enjoy it. I have to wait an hour an 15 minutes for my psychiatrist to open. I don’t know what to do, please if anyone has any advice please let me know.

3 years ago i felt lost and suicidal from my derealization. Every person in my life didn’t look real and i felt no connection, just alone. Since i have been off of my cymbalta and only on lamictal 150(been on it for two years) and wellbutrin(one month in) it’s back and bigger than ever.
If you have never experienced this consider yourself lucky. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy and since 2 am (it’s not 8am) i’ve been in a panic and i’m considering going to the hospital. I’ve been to the hospital for panic attacks and i know all they are good for is making sure u don’t kill yourself. I feel so hopeless right now.
I am leaving for a non refundable trip to puerto rico in literally a week in a half. There is no way I can get through that like this or even remotely enjoy it. I have to wait an hour an 15 minutes for my psychiatrist to open. I don’t know what to do, please if anyone has any advice please let me know.

Hi all,
THIS IS A REPOST, THE BIGGEST CONCERN IS HELPING MY ANXIETY.
My psychiatrist put me on Mirtazipine yesterday due to my high anxiety. I took one dose (15mg) and it took a bit to kick in but once I was asleep, I was OUT. It was nice, until the next day. I felt like I woke up from an OD, I was so sedated. I had to call out of therapy because I was so tired, I could barely get out of bed. I went back to sleep, and in total I slept from around 11:30pm-4:30 pm the next day. I felt like a total zombie, and every time I was awake I felt…violent. I felt angry, and suicidal, like I was having a down spiral episode from bipolaborderline which has NOT happened in months. I was previously on duloxetine, which seemed to have made my anxiety worse. I contacted my psych earlier but won’t hear from them until tomorrow. I am also trying to wean off clonazepam, which will take a while. Is it okay to skip this nights dose of Mirtazipine and use my other meds instead? I’m also on lamictal which helps with the severe mood swings, which is why this was general alarming to me including the suicidal feeling and ‘violent’ angry feeling I felt. I am also a Type 1 Diabetic, sick with a sinus infection, but my blood sugars were running dangerously high today. Is it okay to skip this dose tonight until I hear back from them tomorrow? They told me that it was normal to feel suicidal on a new med but to this level is not okay. My friends were also surprised I was out on Mirtazipine due to me being diabetic and how it’s an appetite stimulator. I have been in the ER twice for panic attacks in the last week and possible heart problems, so I feel completely stuck. Please help!!
Thank you!!

Hi everyone, I first want to say that Nikki birth control (Yaz) and lamictal really saved me from PMDD and the suicidal thoughts that occurred with it. I’ve been stable for the past 4 months for the first time in 4 years, thank god! But my question is this…will the hormones related to egg donation alter my cycles and cause PMDD episodes? (I know this question is for a doctor, but wanted to ask on here first)

im sorry in advance for rambling. if you do have advice please give me. my dissociation, anger, ocd intrusive thoughts and depression is getting so much worse. i think of suicide 24/7. i dont remember life when i didnt. i cant comprehend how some poeple never felt like this. is there an end??? to this???
im bored of my face, everything too but recently my face???
im also always anxious and overreacting.
when will my lamictal take effect on my mood?
i have a list of ways to die.. i also wrote cons to them(so i rethink)
im afraid ill get bored of everyone and everything.
when im dissociating, i cant feel any love when i remember people i "love" i dont like this.. i cant dress the way i want anymore. i dress alt and i hate when people stare.. its expected but im still angry about that??? people here are so judgemental. my ocd doesnt make things easier either. bullying wrecked my self esteem, gave me social anxiety issues when i already was shy and quiet. body dysmoprhia too.. i cant see what i look like everytime i loom in a reflection or even the same mirror im different i cant take this i dont want to hurt anyone by killing myself
will i ever get better? this has been happeninf since im 10 i tried so many meds, therapy
im done i hate my parents for emotionally abusing me.. i have abandonment issues with my bf i dont want him to leave me im feeling so shit, im svwred he will get annoyed and angry of me feelinf like this all the time im scared ill leave him too and stop loving him??? help???? i dont want to work either i cant do that i love programming but i hate college since anything like that reminds me of school and bullies
i feel inferior to other girls
i feel fat even though im almost underweight my skin bothers me because i have rosacea and i exhaggerate it, since social media always has filtered pictures seeing my "huge" pores makes me feel so angry... even if i know they are filtered...
my nose too, i broke it when i was little, TWICE. my parents never bothered to take me to a doctor. my nose is now messed up, had a huge bump and the tip is round and big,,, to me atleast. i had a cute little nose with no bump at all. like my parents!!!1!1!
being pale and having black hair isnt fun either. my body hair is too visible and i hate it i hate my side profile i hate my tiny lips i hate how red i get from ANYTHING. i cwnt eat dairy, chocolate, coffee. cant go out in sun and heat. cant exercise, run, cant HAVE EMOTIONS BECAUSE ALL THOSE ARE TRIGGERS. theres no point in living since im so RESTRICTED i fucming hate this i hate everything my mom and dad have shit genes with mental illnesses AND THEY DECIDED TO HAVE ME AND MY SISTER WHO IS EQUALLY AS FUCKED UP FROM THEM. she is still the favorite child but i cant control that. you know how the younger one is the favorite. and im like the first pancake istg i got all the shit genes
im so ugly and hideous oh my gosh
please help somehow i dont know comment some coping mechanisms that helped you??? if someone even reads this!!?!?

I'll try my best to be brief. I'd like to note that from May to August (pre-medication), I was struggling with depression that psychedelics nor Ketamine would improve. It seems this has returned.
I started medication roughly 7th August 2023 and after a couple weeks of side effects, it started working pretty well! Went from 18mg to 25 mg to 50mg over the course of a month or two, can't remember clearly. Stayed at 50mg till March 2024 where I upped it to 75mg.
Towards the end of Decembestart of January it started to lose effect. Focus was still there, but my mood was lowering. My motivation to do things began decreasing in February though.
I got a viral infection the week exams started in January (I'm in university) and after that my mood could be considered as mild depression but it's only gotten worse since then, this is why I upped my dosage to 75mg.
I had a seizure on the 6th of April 2024, they gave me lamictal (which is also a mood stabiliser) but it put me to sleep for 18-20 hours of the day, literally. Stopped taking it, no seizures experienced, but after only taking that for 3/4 days, my mood has become so erratic and I'm more unstable and depressed than I was before. I started to feel better mood wise before I started taking Lamictal too, I thought I was finally through :'(
Thank you to anyone who read this, it means a lot. I want to know if anyone has had a similar experience where it was working so well and then just kaput, nothing.
This has been one of the hardest years for my mental health, I've been trying not to think about uni and focus on recovery since there's not much else I can do. I feel hopelessness and despair, which fluctuates to some strength to get through this. I'm constantly flipping through a hundred different emotions throughout the day. Passively suicidal, but I don't want to go. I have too much to live for, I've not done enough in this world. I've contacted my psychiatrist so I'm going to see them soon hopefully. I'm taking a ton of supplements to help ease the heaviness and I've ordered 3 more. I have a doctor's appointment soon so I can't write them right now
Tl;dr - Atomoxetine stopped working for emotional regulation after 5 months (August to December 2023). Upped dosage from 50mg to 75mg two months after that (February). Mood still did not improve, motivation had also started to reduce. Has anyone experienced something like that? Please let me know if so + anything you did to help. Still gradually became more and more depressed; significantly so after stopping Lamictal after only being on it for 4 days (was given it for having a seizure on the 6th of April this year).

Does medication actually stop you from having suicidal thoughts or does it only make it easier for you to deal with them? I’ve never really had a break from these thoughts and it’s been getting hard to not listen to them lately. Working up my dosage of Seroquel and lamictal currently.

i’m 17 years old, i have struggled with mental illness since childhood. i have been emotionally neglected by my parents as a child ( my mom partied, and brought men over all the time, and my dad is an alcoholic — both suffer from mental health issues ) my sister was the parent of me while she was just a teenager. she is 25 now and we are close, but she lives back home and i sometimes visit her. my parents separated before i was born. my mom had full custody and i’d visit my dad sometimes. ( i dont really visit anymore because he lives in another state ) he had met some girl when i was 7 who then became my step mom, she was nice sometimes but really immature and ALSO invalidated tf out of me. they fought in front of me as years went on ( domestic and verbal abuse towards each other ). they separated in 2023 and my dad is dating a guy now lol ( happy for him ). both my dad and my mom had a very bad childhood and they both struggle to understand me. when was doing bad my mom would emotionally abuse me and so would my dad ( i had to deal with my mom more because i lived with her — and still do ). my mom would curse at me, criticize me, make me believe everything was my fault, say she would send me to foster care, told me to kill myself, say i’m just like my dad, the list goes on. my dad isn’t and wasn’t as bad, but he had told me when i was doing bad one time that, “all you do is pop a few pills and go to your vacation spot” ( the mental hospital lol ). he has also told me to quite literally shut up when i was crying as a toddler. they are both better now, and try to understand me, but i’m still ill and i know that their abuse has left me traumatized. they had never hit me though, my mom would “pop” me when i was being bad/disrespectful, but i think that’s normal. i’m much closer with my dad on an emotional level even though i don’t even see him or call him much. last time i visited, i opened up to him a lot and he did not criticize me at all. i love him, and i love my mom too. i just don’t think me and my mom will have as much as a closer emotional bond like that because of how much she has invalidated, yelled, and blamed me for showing emotion. it’s like everything i do is a fuck up. like i said, she’s better now and learns to own up to her mistakes. she has literally came in my room and cried to me calling herself a bad mom, blaming herself because of why i am the way i am now. sometimes she understands me when i’m upset, but sometimes she still does her invalidating shit. thankfully, i’m emotionally mature enough to where i try not to let her words get to me, but they still sometimes do. because of my childhood where i was emotionally neglected and unheard, throughout my life, i’d attract people who were just really toxic towards me. my best friend in middle school was controlling, made me feel like shit, and traumatized me with her behavior. my relationships have ended because the person could not commit/was emotionally unavailable. i have both an anxious and avoidant attachment style. i had lost my first love recently who made my anxiety and worries go away, ( i am a lesbian ) and she left me because she had commitment issues, but also kind of did some shitty things to me to hurt me on purpose. i am finally starting to move on and still will always love her. i do believe i am a good person, and of course i’m not perfect, but i do believe i am fairly nice to people even when they do shitty things. i don’t know what i have, but i hope to get a diagnosis or something. i suspect autism, maybe ocd, or even both ( let me know if i really have to get into that ). one time when i was about 8/9 i tried to cut myself with a butter knife. after every minor inconvenience i’d think about not wanting to be here. around 14, ( during quarantine ) i randomly just decided that i would attempt suicide for the first time. after that, the attempts just kept happening every single age. ( 14,15,16,17 ) i’ve tried to kill myself by overdose of prescribed meds but it never worked. i’m scared of dying so, honestly part of it was probably for attention, but the other half of me actually just wanted life to be over. like, if it didn’t work, i hope people would pay attention to me. i had lost friends around 14 when i attempted ( pushed them away bc of my mental health issues ), which i can understand their pov. at the time, it was draining to be around me. now, i just keep to myself. and, i will admit, i’m more emotionally mature than an average adult. but i don’t know why, after everything, ( countless hospitals, med changes, support from multiple therapists, friends, family, psychiatrists ) i still just don’t want to be here. when things go wrong or im overwhelmed i uncontrollably hit and punch myself. i used to cut myself when i was 14-15, but i don’t like it anymore. sure, i’ve had moments where i DO enjoy being alive and love everything, but most of the time i literally just cannot. i know it’s getting bad again because i don’t even enjoy being around my friends anymore, i don’t like going to school, i don’t like anything. i just cannot kill myself bc im scared of going to a stupid mental hospital again and sitting days in the regular hospital smelling like shit bc they don’t have showers waiting to get admitted to the psychiatric hospital. it sucks feeling like literally nobody understands you, even though you have support. i’m very stuck and tbh the thing i wish for the most is just some disaster to happen to me that will kill me ( ie get murdered or something ) i take latuda, lamictal, abilify, and buspar ( and hydroxyzine as needed to help with my anxiety ) and they have helped, i think. but as of recently, they aren’t really helping lol. i have a therapist, and i have a psychiatrist. this isn’t a vent, this is me wanting help because i have no idea what to do. i want to live, i want to be happy, i want to look forward to my future and be a psychiatrist, and i want to be able to not shut down during stressful situations. i want to know what’s wrong with me. don’t say “nothing is wrong with you, you’re just human” because ive heard that quite a lot. i know i’m human, and i know it’s normal to feel these emotions. i know there are other people out there like me, and i know there are people who have given up. i know what depression and anxiety are, but i know that there has to be some kind of diagnosis for me. that’s all i want is to be aware of what could be wrong with me so i can be aware and get on meds that usually help with the diagnosis. i WANT to LIVE. i WANT to LIKE being around my friends again. i WANT to do good in school. senior year i am getting homeschooled and moving to another city in my state, so i’m pretty happy about that. i’m just worried i’ll drift apart from my friends and get fomo. just please, anyone, give me answers. help me and give me guidance to not feel like this anymore. IVE TRIED EVERYTHING. no coping skills work, so i dont want to hear “look into coping skills” mind you, i have been hospitalized 10 times, i know ALL about coping skills and breathing exercises. i know i typed a hell of a lot, but i hope whoever reads this will just say something. i want to be heard, and i want some answers so i don’t go through with another suicide attempt. thank you