Please bare with me as this will be a long one, it's my first ever post on reddit.
TW of child loss.
I (32f) my FH (35m) are getting married august this year. We live in Australia in a different state to both sides of our family. As we thought instead of picking between the two states we are from, we will have it where we are now.
History as I know all you lot love the background stories. We met in 2019, through tinder(in the state we currently both are atm). It was love at first sight for me. I already had a son who in 2019 was 8yo. My son adorned my partner, he would talk about future siblings and us getting married. Which led my partner n I picking wedding songs and talking about marriage. In 2021 my partner n I were a bit rocky. But my world came crashing apart when I got a phone call my son passed in a car crash. I flew back to my home state and well as you can imagine I was a mess. My family which I hadn't spoken to in 4 years due to being accused for something I did not do. They found out I didn't. But long story short I was in the head space to nit pick. My sons funeral happened and well I just got left by all my siblings to do the clean up my self while they went to the after do. I missed it. I'm only one person and I got blamed and made to feel like crap for it. And a lot other shit. In other words three of my siblings are arseholes. If they dont get their way. My sister we'll call her Petal(24), brothers Steve (31) n Bob (27).
My partner n I always stayed in contact but we spilt as he was still in the state we met. His boss wouldn't let him take time off etc. In the beginning 2023 I came back to the state to organise my sons stuff. Realising this man kept everything of his and mine in the same spot. He still looked after my cat n dog after all that time also. We rekindled and both realised the flame was always still there for each other. So by September last year we were ready to move forward with life as short as it is announce to our family's save the dates. Via Txt as we both have huge families, we would save the money this way.
A few weeks go by. I get a phone call from Steve. (Whom I havent spoken to since before coming up here as I had enough of always being cancelled on or never picking up my calls or barely responding to my texts) So I was like why am I getting a call. Turns out I just got questions after questions... well statements 'you never asked me to move' 'mum will be staying with me not you on your wedding' 'im not babysitting joey' youngest brother 12yo we I stated he would be other brother Dale (second youngest 21- they are all my siblings from my mother's side) as they are always together when Dale visits. I just focused on the positive. I knew he was wanting me to bite. Then when I was explaining joey would be walking behind my nieces with my sons photo Steve interrupted when are you getting married and laughed. He then said no, His daughter wasn't going to be wearing a dress she'll be wearing the same as her dad... and laughed. at the beginning of his save the date I put 'Aunty would love niece to be a flower girl if she would like' Remember no contact since this phone call at all. So I thought he was joking as he laughed. He then started repeating she was wearing the same as him. He also asked why would joey be following them and as I was explaining what I was thinking as my son would've wanted his cousins up there with him. I got cut off. I just planned all this and I said no I asked and you never responded. You never said no even when I spoke about the dresses. Apparently I just don't know what no sounds like and I've not changed and she is HIS flower girl for when him and his partner get married. I understand wanting your child to be apart of your wedding.... hence why I was trying to do what I know damn sure my boy would have done - to the point if they weren't in the party he would walk up to them n get them to help throw petal down the isle. I was upset. He rambled on and yelled shit at me and hung up when I said well if you didn't want her being a flower girl you could've just said it straight out.
I am still upset but I'm only upset due to he only brought it up when I was talking about what my son would want. If he had a problem with it why didn't he say it before hand. Later mum(51) found out him n his partner were upset I was getting married before them ( they have been engaged since 2021 and no mention of a wedding date) and they didn't want their daughter being someone else's flower girl before hand. Which again I understand so why not say that instead of starting the shit?
The next day Bob decided to tell me he couldn't come to the wedding as he doesn't know what his life would bring him to be doing then 🤦🏼‍♀️
Anyway I start to move forward with wedding planning . I let a friend know, as i was going to ask her to be a Bm. After saying getting married she bloody laughed so hard like i told the most funniest joke ever.... her daughter came in she is still laughing n said ' can you believe they are getting married' while wiping away tears from her eyes she laughed so hard. So I decided not to mention the bm part. She later started telling me what I should do for colours, who the bms should be, that the best man wears something different to the groomsmen. Etc. It was getting out of hand and everytime I mentioned we had decided what we are doing already is was wrong .... until she decided to make a competition with my unaware mother 'she better wear a dress or ill look better then her. Maybe even you' so I cut her out of my social group, my partner still thinks she was just helping. He needs the fog to clear.
I ask my best friend who I have known since 2017 and who was still there for me through the hard time of my son passing and still is to this day. Kel(43f) to be my MOH. My two sisters Petal n Kay(28f on father's side) as bridesmaids. As iTs tHe rIgHt tHiNg to do 🤦🏼‍♀️ at first I thought petal would flake first. If it's not her way she'll make some sort of version (even if it's LIES) that you did her wrong. I picked the dresses they were more then happy to pay for them. $160 ish each(aus). Well Kay went Mia for a few weeks. Then in January this year asked me if the place accepted afterpay. I said I know they accept Kalana or what ever its called. N then she was busting her arse for me to check.... she had the website I asked if she had her flights and accommodation prebooked. Nothing. As I was going to offer to pay for the dress if she was struggling. So I offered for her to come as a guest. 2 weeks NOT A SINGLE WORD. Not answering my calls or texts that wasn't even about the wedding. Its now Feb. I ask my cousin to be a back BM she was more then happy n as I was on the phone to her Kay said ' im getting a job so it'll be all sorted' now Kay is a sister who will take advantage for other people's hand outs. Where we are the closer to august you leave it your looking at 1600 n back minimum. N the week we are getting married not only with it be tourist session but race day also ( we forgot about race day 😅) After explaining this to her she decided with many more weeks in between she'll not come to the wedding at all.
So then it was my BF, petal and cousin.
Two weeks ago I got asked by my fathers (he is a dead beat) sister if he was invited. Long story short, I'm the child he never wanted. He never met my son at all while he was alive and loves to cause drama when it's not about him. He was a junkie when I first met him. So I politely said sorry no he is not and sorry for putting you in this position.
Just up until last week petal flaked. Family drama was happening and I pulled her up on her lies she had put in a group chat. She hadn't spoken to me since May. She would read the wedding chat but not respond. And I found out she had me on mute. Laste week I messaged her on the group chat, our private chat and text her can you aleast let me know whats going on. She came back with ' im not coming nor will I be in your wedding' I thanked her for letting me know. Went in the group chat for the wedding n she had already removed herself. N I blocked her shortly after my mum called. Mum had asked if I had heard from Petal. I told her what happened. Well, mum Being a mum was like 'ill get to the bottom of this' She asked why are you not part of the wedding anymore. My sister turned n said its not of your business. N then said I blocked her from the chat a while ago and I have not once messaged her n I'm mean. Mum caught her out n said she seen her lil picture keep up with the messaged just today etc. N she just banged on how no one understands her. So I blocked her.
I have now asked for my partners Sister to be a bm and she's more then happy to and I paid for her dress straight away so it should arrive to her before she is due to come up.
I found out in April my son will finally be a older brother like he always wanted. This is a miracle baby as I've had a few health problems with my uterus. To the point doctors said I might not even be able to do IVF. My partner n I are over the moon. I am in a a place where I'm happy and upset because my son is not here to witness what he always wanted. We have only told those that have been supportive, mu mum Dale and joey and my Sil.
All the stress of just my family has taken its toll. We have already paid majority of the wedding off and can't elope. I've lost all happiness for our day. I'm scared my father will rock up (he is spiteful like that) n im just deflated. With the add stress of being now 12weeks pregnant and still worried I could lose it at any point.
I have gotten all their jewellery, personalised pjs since Kay was involved. Personalised gifts and im paying for their hair and make up.
Kel my Moh is ready to go on a witch hunt. She's pissed that I have let it all go on for so long. So I'm trying to see if I am in the right or if I am in the wrong.
Am I being the Arsehole ? Bridezilla? Just feels no matter what happens in my life it's not good enough. If anything needs clearing up please let me know. Sorry for the long post. Thankyou in advance And if anyone has any advice ? Thankyou

I'm going to add every ounce of context here that I can, and please, please don't comment at me being harsh or anything about my decision making here.
Previous Context:
I was in a 3 month relationship with a woman and we were both 25 at the time. During this relationship, she was horribly domestically violent. She broke my nose while I was driving, cheated on me, she would send nudes to other guys when she was mad at me, manipulated me and a bunch of other things I don't want to get into at this time. Needless to say, it was bad, dude. I walked into that relationship happy as a clam and walked out so different my parents (who I have never been overly close to) noted a massive change in my demeanour.
Shortly after breaking up, we discovered she was pregnant. For the first month or so, I was completely disassociated, and I couldn't talk to her without getting super super angry at her. I was so panicked by the news of being tethered to her for 18 years. But I eventually got it together, I provided support where I could while she was pregnant, got the nursery furniture, got a good job and worked hard and did all the dad things I was supposed to do.
Around December that year, It was revealed that the person she cheated on me with was a candidate for father as well, which wasn't great to learn, but shortly after the birth, he was ruled out through a paternity test. Which I did not get. So at this point in time, I am still the assumed father.
I didn't meet my son until 12 weeks old, when he was in the hospital for malnutrition and she couldn't stop me from seeing him. That's when child protective services got involved. And were involved for some time. But eventually, deemed that my son was safe and left it alone.
The first 2 years of his life, my ex was volatile. She would bounce between being really nice and hostile. And admittedly, I'd bite back, especially when it was about my son's safety. She was on different drugs and stuff, while I was clean and sober but eventually has stopped that behaviour since and is being a pretty good mum now. I think it must've taken some time for her to adjust, I guess... This whole time though, I haven't been on my son's birth certificate, and she has always held the typical "You're never gonna see him again!" over my head whenever she didn't get her own way. Until she got a restraining order against me for what the police even said are "Dogshit reasons" and then continued to threaten me with the restraining order until she eventually had me arrested, I was able to prove my innocence, thankfully. But she constantly made it difficult to see my son, it was always like I had to pay to see him, she had to benefit from it.
Fast forward to the end of 2022:
Towards the end of 2022, She was barely letting me see him, before I ended up moving back to my home town due to the housing crisis, I had only seen him once in a month. I would call and text, I would email and she would not budge. I didn't see him for 2 months and then got some time with him for Christmas, then again didn't see him for 3 months.
2023:
2023 was a crazy year, I was in a very bad relationship and I was doing my best to have a relationship with my son. I was engaging in mediation and we came to a great agreement. However, shortly after, I was able to visit my son and after that visit, she became very hostile and kept trying to argue with me over trivial things. (Like I wanted to do my own Christmas photos with my son, rather than send her $150 towards hers) I mentioned wanting to do a paternity test on him, for peace of mind and the birth certificate documentation and she said "I'll put you on his birth certificate but I'm not doing all that other bullshit" One August morning, she rung me 76 times in 2 hours over child support (I pay $200 a fortnight privately) and stressed me out and made me panic so much I called the police to make a note of it for any potential family court. The police filed for basic restraining order against her, she could still contact me. AND THEN NOTHING
8 months of nothing. No contact, no replies to emails, nothing.
In that time, I was emailing my intentions to launch family court and everything, and she wouldn't reply. So I did it. I initiated Family Court. And then after the first court date, she rung me, she didn't want to go through family court. She asked for mediation. She let me see my son. It was such a quick change. I didn't back down, I said "This is where we're at, family court" She blames me for the stress she's under cause of Family Court, like I didn't spend months telling her how bad it would be.
For a month, she told me I should move back to the city to spend more time with my son, and I agree'd. But I moved back 2 weeks ago and she rung me on Day 1. and Said she was filing for me to see him 1 day a fortnight or not at all. My dad and my friends have said "Walk away, you can't live in a storm all your life" and want me to move back to my home town. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do. Reddit, any advice?
tdlr; My son's mother just keeps making things difficult with my son.

I have diagnosed (and mostly "pure") OCD. In the past, while using altnoid cannabis I experienced thinking so abstract that I found it hard to cope with. I have come to realize recently that this is not at all healthy or normal.
I have many of the listed risk factors: cannabis use in adolescence, consumption of amphetamine (and twice low doses of acid), some childhood adversity, birth in late winter, and an early father.
My thinking is increasingly bizarre. Or at least *feels* that way. I am careful to rigorously apply critical thinking and dialectical skills to my thoughts, but still feel that I'm thinking in an increasingly abstract way. Nobody has remarked that anything I've said recently sounds "insane" -- but I think that my friends generally see me as an odd bird, anyway. Some thoughts that I have are so abstract that they feel impossible to articulate, as if I'm perceiving noumena.
I have been doing well most of the past two weeks. I feel that applying CBT and DBT principles within my self-reflection has been enormously helpful. However, I increasingly experience a powerful compulsion to refine my logic and general thinking to near-perfection. Critical thinking is excellent, but I'm becoming far, far too critical. I fear that if I engage in too many fallacies, or buy into the wrong ideas I risk being worse off and even bringing harm to myself and others.
It's actually incredible to me. Every seemingly-intuitively-harmful thought that I handwave with dialectics is succeeded by a more complex, more elusive and difficult to disprove thought. The more lucid I am, the better my cognitive functioning becomes, the more advanced my OCD becomes as well -- since it lives inside of me. I feel like I'm playing on an expert difficulty and that nobody can sympathize with me. It reminds me of the Veil from the Doctor Who episode Heaven Sent
I would love to provide better, more specific examples of the more "difficult" thoughts that I'm having, but they morph extremely fast and are difficult to pin down long enough to articulate.
I feel an intense fear about presenting as insincere.
I feel an intense fear that my actions are motivated by malice that I'm unconscious of.
I don't know how to cope with the fact that some aspects of my unconscious psyche could be quasi-noumenal and totally unknowable while still informing my behaviors.
Would it be helpful to be intentionally insincere to prove to myself that nothing bad will happen?
It feels like the capacity for analysis that I've always been proud of having has been unexpectedly turned against me. I am struggling and uncertain of everything.

its a young adult book. the cover is in black and white except for some pink words, there is possibly an image of a truck on the cover.
the book starts with the mom getting a vacuum for her birthday from the father the mother ends up abandoning her daughters while the father is overseas and he gets injured the main character and her older sister go to live with their aunt they are in small town with a strong church community the sister gets negative attention for wearing a see through to church the main character has a passion for art and a crush on a boy who she ends up going on a date with by the end of the book the main character goes to look for her mother who is singing in bars looking for her big break the father returns by the end of book

His birthday is in 2 days and I’m contemplating on sending him a happy birthday text on the day. I know deep down it’s probably not worth anything, but at one point he was my soulmate.
We were together for about 5 years, give or take the occasional splits we had. Engaged for a year of that. Then almost a year ago we had our big split. I moved out and even moved states away.
We’ve both left it on “don’t contact me” but we’ve both broken that rule before. He broke it for my birthday last year. (Granted he sent it a day late)
This has been on my mind, and I know on his actual birthday it will be the only thing I’ll be able to think about. So I figured I’d seek advice first

Hey all.
I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet for complaining or feeling any negative emotions other than sadness to the situation. But, I feel like I'm truly going out of my mind with grief, depression, anxiety, and probably many other emotions I can't even think of right now.
My FIL (late 50s) was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer around 2.5 years ago. Obviously, the diagnosis was devastating on his and our family (our family being me and my immediate family). However, he persisted with relative good health due to chemo for some time. However, recently he has chosen to opt out of chemo and his health has been dwindling downwards for some time. Now, he is bed bound 95% of the time, barely eats, and thinks he is close to the end. Understandably, this has been hard for everyone involved, especially my significant other. I have tried to be there for my SO, including traveling around 20 hours (driving) away from our home to be with their father in his (what we believe to be) last moments. At the moment, it's been about 3 weeks.
However, it's been really rough. I KNOW I'm not the one losing a parent, so my pain and uncomfortability comes very last (as it should). But, we have a young baby together that I feel I'm taking most of the physical and emotional burden of. There was complications with the pregnancy that makes me more sensitive to the situation than I believe I would be otherwise. But, I feel like I've been ripped from our home, my comfort zone, to take care of a baby in a home where most/all of the focus is on end of life care for someone dying. I feel like nothing but a burden, and in the way of everyone trying to fulfill their roles in the situation, but also suffering from immense anxiety, grief, and depression by being in a place I'm uncomfortable with and is not my home.
I don't know when I'm going home. Could be soon, could be later. At the moment, it depends on their health. But, in struggling with figuring out how to cope with my situation, and what to do to maybe even distract or enlighten myself out of SOME of my depression. My baby's been a great source of happiness, but my SO has not so much. They are not able to understand where I'm coming from it seems, and take offense every time I try to bring it up. So, I don't feel I can count on them.
I would love any suggestions. But, I also realize I'm just venting here. I would also love to know if my feelings are selfish or "wrong," and maybe if I need some different perspective here. Any help is appreciated.

Have made several posts in the past. I have been into series of relationship and none worked out. was either betrayed,cheated on and beaten up...The longest was about 3yrs with a guy ,he was caring at the beginning of our relationship untill i later discovered that my best friend is sleeping with him for real in which i caught them and all i got from my ex-bf was a dash of slaps and beat from him...I cried and planned not having any relatioonship again untill my grandma adviced me that its not the end of life,so i am giving this a trial and hoping to find someone with cute heart.
I was 5 years old when i lost my mother, and I lost my father on my 20th birthday 💔💔 that’s so sad and very heartbroken .. have never been happy I don’t think have experienced happiness 😪😭
I had a failed suicide attempt early this year, since then I've been trying my best to stay positive. I eat healthily, exercise regularly, sleep 8 hours a day, but I feel like I'm burning out. I don't know how long I can hold on.
used to think I would be happy person without marrying sômeone. I thought I should focus on my career first before trying to find someone... However, loneliness is sabotaging that belief. The older I get, the more lonely I become lol... And when I am lonely, my heart throbs, my body runs out of energy and I will end up lying there feeling empty…. everything seems boring.
When I am alone, I think of the bad memories I had And I become sad. My whole body loses energy so fast ,Most of my friends have a partner . Some just busy with work and everytime I wanna reach out, none is beside... That time, I realize I need someone...yes, this is embarrassing but I need someone to help me feel happy in this life
And now I’m seeking for a caring man , supportive someone capable of taking care of me and spoiling me , someone who can give to support me , someone that would make me feel like a woman. Spend time together, a man who is truthful and trustworthy.. I sell toys for kids that’s what I do to earn a living
About me personally: I pride myself on being very sweet, kind, and caring. I do a lot for the people I love, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm very empathetic. I'm also smart, thoughtful, and a deep thinker. I appreciate emotional maturity , want kids, commitment. I'm a hopeless romantic so I'm looking for the real deal, someone who is ready to build a life with me.
If you know you're not ready for a serious relationship, please don't waste my time, because l've had enough hurt my life.
Also, please be sure to attach a photo of yourself if you message me and I’ll send mine too

For context, my parents had me and my siblings really young and my mom wasn’t able to get a degree because she had to raise us. My mom ended up going back to school when I was 15. I am now 19. and this year she graduates with her bachelor’s degree finally.
My mom was hesitant about walking the stage. As far as I was concerned, no one had told me that she was going to be having a graduation. Well, my birthday is in June. It is a very hard birthday for me this year, as I am still recovering from major surgery i had in May, and my closest friends aren’t here this summer due to out of state internships. Because I knew this would be a hard birthday, I wanted to have a nice dinner with all of my family. 2 weeks I had texted in our family group chat talking about how I wanted to have my birthday dinner at this place. We had talked about what day it would work for all of us since the month of june is crazy for us this year. My siblings are traveling, i’m traveling, my parents are traveling, we all have busy work schedules. So it was important we figured out a date where we would all be here. We decided on June 9th to have my birthday dinner, no one had an objection to the date. After figuring that out, I quickly made reservations as it is hard to get a reservation at this certain restaurant. They are usually fully booked weeks in advance. I was able to get the last reservation in June. I was really excited and looking forward to my birthday, I didn’t before because i thought it would suck.
So fast to today, my mom told us that she will be walking graduation. I was really happy until she told us what day it would be. At night on June 9th. I immediately got mad at her and started crying. I got mad at her because she didn’t tell anyone about this. She knew the dates her graduation would be on, but didnt tell anyone the dates. She knew the dates when we discussed the plans for my birthday dinner. She didn’t say anything. I understand that it was a possibility that she wouldn’t walk graduation. But if she had told me ahead of time or at the time when we were discussing my birthday dinner plans, “Hey we can’t do that day, I may or may not be walking graduation” I would’ve not made plans to have my birthday dinner that night. But she didn’t say anything. I’m also mad at the fact that I won’t be able to celebrate my birthday anymore with my family. Like i said, our schedules are too busy these next few months and June 9th was the only day that would’ve worked. And the restaurant Is completely booked up, so it’s not like i can make another reservation. So i’m mad that she didn’t tell me and i’m mad I won’t be celebrating with my family or go to a restaurant that i’ve been wanting to go to.
I’m not talking to my mom at the moment and have been hiding in my room since she told us at around 4. My siblings think i’m overreacting and calling me unappreciative of my mom because she gave up school to raise us and now she’s finally getting her degree. I understand that. i’m very proud of my mom, don’t get me wrong. But i’m mad at the situation she put me in for my birthday. My siblings and dad aren’t taking me seriously and thinking i’m being a baby about it.
So AITAH?

(23M) My gf (22F) are in a 5 year relationship, a year ago went to an event there she meet a guy. They began talking because he seemed very demotivated so she tried to cheer him up initially and then eventually their talking grew deep and they began talking frquently. She told him she doesn't have a bf (she haven't told any of her friends cause she fears her parents but idk how it relates to friends still) there talking grew and they were talking from morning till night helping and sharing personal things. His friend spilled the tea to her that he is going to propose her soon. She was confused and terrified so she told me about it. I was devasted seeing their chat she was so happy with him cheered up and enjoying rather than me. She usually doesn't talk with me with that enthusiasm. I asked her if she wanna go to him and end this but she didn't. She wanted to stay with me and told me she only loved me. So I told her to stop talking with him, which she did. He tried talking but she ignored him and after 4 5 days he stopped trying too. Now after a year, he texted her again saying he's alone and he cant stay without her and its his late father's bday so he wants someone to talk with. Now Idk what to do, I really can't stand a person with a past like this. What should I do??

I failed to include the hardworking aspects of the Warpfrog team because i truly aplaude the hard work that they put into making this game and they push through the challenges and the thing is when some updates are delayed not everyone is mad because of the great game they already have and the fact is this is a heavenly sent game that can be the grounds to all of Vr MMO's that can be made and truly i know the developers, the gfx designers to everyone in the Warpfrog team that work on blade and sorcery are the best of the best by sheer hard work and honestly even doing better than game studios like ubisoft with overpriced games(except for xdefiant i am happy for that one improvement) To the point of thank you developers and thank you modders and the developers allow their modders to have freedom to mod their game which is something i dont see other vr games doing
Now for the mod developers you are some of the greatest developers of blade and sorcery because i feel like both the modders and developers are both great because modders provide potential stuff devs could add and also things like the yamato and even aspects like good sheaths and things like mystic hands.
To both developers whether its kospy, baron, the warpfrog team and then modders like hughjohner who is legendary in the modding community along with this i thank both of the community, the modders, the developers for this game, its mod, the sheer fun moments that can come from mods and just the regular physic stuff on its own
This game is a vr game with a physic sandbox element which makes it hard to mod and develop so i say with all of my heart thank you guys for the masterpieces that are graced apon this world and the fact some of my favorite youtubers would not have the funniest videos from blade and sorcery
Me and the community say are thanks again whether for some of us(including me) getting through tough times(for me it was a family member dying on same month of my birthday) or its even things like fun on daily basis to fill up some peoples world of light and modders you bring the special pieces to this community the fact is that blade and sorcery would not have as much content it would have if modders did not exist
To the supporting devs, to the hard working devs, to the hardworking modders, to the hard working people that just help to improve the games with mods or just the updates that bring it to this high special

My mom got an extremely abnormal text message from a close family friend (I’ll call her Jennifer) at 5AM saying she was leaving to Mexico to see her father and asking her to watch 2 of her 3 children at her home overnight/indefinitely. What’s weird is that:

• The message was all in English which my mom checked and she’d never written to my mom in English. Jennifer posts on Facebook in English sometimes because she’s a runner with many English speaking friends, but I know she speaks Spanish whenever she has the option.
• She never mentioned this to my mom or anyone.
• She’s only ever gone to Mexico once before to be a bridesmaid in a wedding near her father, but never went again after that.
• She doesn’t have the money for this and is typically very frugal. She’s a divorced single mother of 3. 2 of the 3 children have had mental issues, some severe that have cost her a lot to treat.
• She’s estranged from much of her family and her relationship with her ex husband is very poor. She coparents neutrally but he’s shown consistent animosity towards her.
• She hasn’t asked my mom to watch her kids in over 10 years. The two in her home are adults or near adulthood.

I’ve been digging as much as I could and this is what I’ve found from messages to my mom and social media without tipping off her kids that we’re concerned.

• The messages went from long and in English to short and in Spanish. They give surface level context-appropriate info about her family. Just enough to seem like her or someone who she was acquainted with.
• A note was written on her calendar at home saying she’d be back from Mexico in 10 days.
• She dates somewhat actively, but has never brought a man around her kids. However, she has had one man over to the house at some point in the past when her kids were not around.
• She made a Facebook post a day ago. It had a slight grammatical error in English, but seemed to portray her sharing that she’d gone to the zoo with her son for his birthday. However, her daughter told my mother that they’d actually gone on Sunday and he went with his father. Jennifer wasn’t there.

This is the big one for me that I need someone to either confirm my line of thinking on or tell me I’m being dumb…

• She posted a story on her Facebook at the Dallas Fort Worth, Texas airport showing a number of delayed flights, claiming that her flight was delayed as well. The delay times shown in the picture makes sense in our time zone, however that airport is two hours ahead. If the photo was posted right, when it was taken, the times shown for other delayed flights would have already passed in the airport’s time zone.

There’s more but basically everything about this occurrence is abnormal. Nothing is typical of her.
If there’s any chance this is real, what do we do??? I fully intend to call the cops if substantial confirmatory contact isn’t made in the next day or two, but I don’t know how to handle interactions with her children or further text messages that are still being sporadically responded to.
Any and all advice is extremely appreciated. I’m hoping so bad that this isn’t what it feels like but I don’t want to make a wrong move if there’s any chance something bad is happening.

Just as the title suggests I'm seeking advice on how to get my ex back. I 32m and her 30f were in a relationship for just shy of 6 years. For context, her and I dated for about a year when I was 19. That ended with her going through psychosis and leaving me for that reason. She basically vanished, but fast forward 5/6 years, she reached out to me after I had broken up with another ex and very clearly wanted to try and get back together. For the first 4 years it was amazing, we were very in love. Covid came around and I lost my job, we then lost our apartment and wound up at my parents house. Her, myself and my 2 children lived there and over the next 2 years things devolved into regular fighting, little to no sex, her basically separating herself from me until finally pulling the trigger and leaving me last July. I suffered from a bad anger problem, and ultimately that was what drove her away from me over time. The yelling and screaming and outward anger was not healthy for her or myself. Since last July I have been in therapy and sorted a lot of shit out and have begun to heal that side of myself. I've also worked on self improvement and weight loss, ect. Really trying to change myself, because I was very unhappy with what my actions had cost me.
Thankfully we have had little to no issues co parenting and sharing custody of our daughter. She also pretty frequently will take my stepson when she has our daughter. They are still very close, her and my son. I feel like that is a good thing? But I'm unsure
So with that pretext I need advice on what to do to get her back. I've read a lot of posts on here about getting your ex back. The thing I'm stuck on is that most of those methods rely on separation and true time apart. We do not have that, since we broke up I've seen her 1 or more a week for custody exchanges. So I am unsure how to navigate this process.. I brought up the topic of her and I in late January (6 month mark) and we talked about revisiting things. Most of her answers to direct questions about her and I were answered with "I can't answer that question right now".
What do I do? She's agreed to go with both kids and I this coming weekend to an exhibit in our city that's a balloon exhibit. This will be the 1st time we have hung out since February when we were together for my daughter's birthday party. I'm happy to answer any questions that may help me get advice pointing me in the right direction.
TLDR I share a kid with my ex that I was verbally abusive to, and want her back more than anything.

Hey everyone - first of all , I think it’s so nice there’s a community of children with parents who are no longer with us, I truly cannot imagine how it feels, hence why I am here.
My boyfriends father passed away in 2018, when he was 19 and he rarely talks about it unless I mention it. I met my boyfriend when his father had just completed a year of his passing. We have talked about his father, his sickness and death and everything that led up to it. I don’t have a parent or even such a close relative that has passed away to even begin to understand. I know it bothers my boyfriend a lot, he mentioned how he wasn’t happy with his life for a few years and just kind of being pulled in a current up until this year when he made some life changes but he is still in a limbo and being in his mid 20s I know now is when someone kind of needs their father the most. From what I know he became “numb” to the situation, didn’t go to therapy, and became sort of the “rock” of his family at the age of 19. It breaks my heart. He says he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life and perhaps I’m being ignorant (I apologize if I am I’m trying to be an understanding and open as possible) but I believe maybe his fathers passing has something to do with it. My boyfriend hates being the victim of situations and we once had a very deep conversation about how he needs therapy, how he’s very lost etc.
My mom lost her mom much later in life and explains to me that she can’t imagine the toll I took on his life.
I just want to understand him more. I tell him there are people who become victim of their situations or people who never talk about it and just push it so far away that they don’t ever deal with it. I want to know how I can approach him correctly or help him, he doesn’t need to open up to me but I do want to help him because if this is affecting how he sees his future I want to help. I’m not sure if anyone can relate here or give any sort of understanding but I’m open to just hearing if this is someone like you. Someone who’s dry, not very in touch with their emotions, the “rock” of situations and such. Thank you again and truly, I feel for everyone of you.

Me an my wife have a fairly small condo (1300sqft) 2 Bed 1 bath. My Mother retired last year and moved back to my home state cause she couldnt afford to retire where I live. (this is also the 2nd time moving back to this state). A month after retiring and moving she wants to come visit and stay the winter for like 3 months. I run it by my wife who was not a fan of that long and frankly I wasnt either. My mother is a lot to handle. Loud, always in and out, cant handle silence always has to be talking, I told her we cannot house you for that long. We can do 2 weeks max. My wife works midnights and I WFH in a basement office so she can sleep. At this time our eldery dog was having some health issues as well. (my mother planned on bringing her dog which would make 3 in the house). I explained this to her which she said fine ,which wasnt fine apparently. So she ends up staying with her friend and leaves back home after 2 weeks.
Fast forward 3 months later she wants to come visit. Our eldery dog was diagnosed with cancer. He needs to be let out every 2 hours night and day. I explain to her that now is definitely not a good time to come out and visit. She hates where she lives and has been complaining nonstop (not sure why she moved to a place that she knew she hated) It got to a point where it was affecting my mental and draining me. She decides randomly to come out anyway and stay with her friend again. My dog passes away on her drive out here. My wife and I are extremely upset and not handling it very well. My mother gives me a little space when that happens until she gets into a fight about 3 days later with her friend and wants to stay with us. I tell her no not possible. So she gets mad at me and hits me with the "I dont know why I am being treated like this" basically dropping a guilt trip on me. Eventually she ends up heading home again.
2 months later my birthday rolls around. My father calls me 3 weeks before asking if its ok if he comes out for my birthday and if he needs to get a hotel and all that. I run it by wife and she says its fine if he wants to stay with us, Hes super chill and quiet. Complete opposite of my mother. Well my mother finds out and hits me with another guilt trip, grilling me about why she wasnt able to stay with us. I understand it is a double standard and I did not handle it very well but I was trying my best. I feel like I was in the wrong here.

putting a tw for: body shaming at a young age, negative food talk, emotional neglect/abuse possibly, bad negative self talk, derealisation, body dysphoria issues, suicidal talk/depression, weight loss talk. plz be advised when reading or don’t if its too heavy.
also this is long, im just hoping someone would take the time to read and provide what they can. no one is obligated to read, thanks.
im genuinely starting to get upset and its killing me inside, when i look for support or any help anywhere there is none. all the content on instagram is targeted towards those who’ve made it past that age and survived having to cover up or not dress how they want. no one ever seems to care about the teen and tween girls who currently deal with this kind of stuff cause it seems to them it doesn’t exist anymore. its disappointing to see and shows i dont belong in any community so i’ve come here
im currently 17 and for the past multiple years ever since i started being heavier around the end of 5th grade it feels like my father has been more ashamed of his daughters body and has tried to cover me up and tell me what i should wear. im also dealing with covering up my severe depression and trauma so theres more thats kinda related to this but i dont want to stray off topic
when i was four my dad put me in the child acting industry based in la/weho. that wasn’t that traumatic for me honestly and didn’t take away from being a child but during that time my dad would sometimes get angry when i wanted a snack such as chips or a cookie, he would threaten me and be like “youre gonna grow as big as a house” or “of course you want the cookies”. keep in mind i was only in early elementary school around this time. and in fifth grade he signed me up for this shoot where it was some sort of tv pilot pitch where it was described as the biggest loser for kids and they had other slimmer kids on set that wore fat suits basically and i was the biggest one there. i belived i had to have a fitness routine at 11 in the fifth grade and started working out for two days
into middle school i started getting known for being a bigger girl but i remember around 7th-8th grade my dad kept saying how the clothes i had were too small when i was just trying to dress trendy or like similar styles like any middle school girl. if not that then it was stuff that was too “childish” or fit snug on me. this is when i started to feel totally repulsed about my body and dreaming about wearing what i wanted. and even to this day he periodically will get upset and disappointed in me being dressed down with my hair up just to do something mundane or for my therapy appointment. i was wearing hoodies or shirts with leggings. i remember when we were at six flags for my birthday and i was wearing a cute tank top that slightly showed a bit of tummy and he forcibly pulled the shirt down.
and getting into high school and up into this point he periodically, gets mad and upset when im wearing a certain outfit to go somewhere simple or drags me into the plus sized women’s section of kohls to look for clothes i don’t need and want. i remember when he took me to get my blood drawn i was on my period and wore pants that i typically do cause im uncomfy naturally on it and he got mad and i went into my room trying to calm down and not argue because its pointless with him, and i already knew he was gonna come in and go in my closet and tell me to change into a different pair of pants i don’t wear or what he liked. i always have to please what he likes or i should be wearing in my size.
up until recently he’s telling me i need to get a new wardrobe, that all my clothes are small when they just fit snug or my tummy shows through, (i go thrifting with my mom alot), and convincing me to shop in the plus sized women’s section of jcpenny and kohls. mind you he’s in his early 60s so i dont wanna hear “who still shops there” cause thats not making me feel better about myself at all. i remember he took me to see the women’s shorts and pants, all straight fitting long shorts that were two sizes too big on me. him sending me pictures of mens shirts that are oversized on me because i have some mens pants that i wear as jeans. when he took me shopping recently for athletic wear and told me i NEEDED new shorts and pants because the ones my mom gets are “too tight” when they fit me comfortably and the shorts i have to try on are long and big on me, i literally put them on and feel disgusting like im dressing for pe class, i dont say anything other than they just look plain in which he tells me im not supposed to look stylish at the gym and be comfortable. but when i wear them to the gym they keep falling down on me past half my ass no matter how much i have the draw string tied and im constantly pulling them up. when i have to struggle to not tell him i dont like any of the stuff he chooses for me or think fits since he gets mad and angry about it but also gets upset when i dont wear any of the things he gets me. and for the past two years i start to realize why he’s getting me to wear oversized or bigger clothes for me, because anything my size is too tight basically.
he’s told me my first cosplay i put together myself at fifteen looks raggedy and made me look like a street urchin, he didn’t let me get thin framed glasses i liked that were in our budget because my head was too wide for them and they just looked ugly to him, when he got a dress i needed for a cosplay in my size he made my mom try it on before i did and told me it was tight on her, said that the brand name suggested it was too small, kept telling i needed a bigger size, then when i tried it on and it fit perfectly he kept wondering if it was too tight. i dont even want to do any cosplay or get better cause of him and i cant even dress or put effort in outfits like i did in middle school. now i just feel like a burden cause of my body, something that needs to be hidden away, like everything is my fault because im bigger.
i feel repulsed and never take pictures, only when i feel like i should. my dad doesn’t take pictures of me anymore or puts up any photos of me in middle school or high school like he did my brother, only those photos of me as a young child. now im dealing with binge eating habits that affect me, weighing more than my parents, having shame about eating in public, feeling guilt when i eat, and not feeling like a person. even if friends take fun pictures of me i feel freaked out. im not living, and i dont know how im supposed to be accepted by this community when im forced to hate myself in real life and get jealous over those who’ve already made it past the shame in hiding themselves or appealing to society’s standards. and this is on top of processing me hiding my autism and severe depression and trauma. i dont want to keep dealing with thinner people who dont understand. and dont even ask if my mother is better, she just tells me that my dad would hate certain clothes and constantly nags me about having to shop at torrid. and im hoping to move out into a dorm around next year but this is something that’s killing me besides other things and i dont have any support because im the biggest person i know personally.

I fell in love with a part 2 months ago. We are in an AFAB body that has, among many other things, OCD, limerence, and deep insecurities.
We already had/have an outer-gf, but my inner-gf feels more like "mine". Who else can I feel their joy in my heart like it's my own... Maybe it's very indirect self love, we all have mild variations of the body's face, and I love looking in the mirror more sense loving her...so who knows. Don't care. I love her. I still do...
My inner-gf is soft, frilly, sparkly and likes pink since we were kids, and I'm ... The opposite. I am a polite but ill-mannered neurotic punk who overshares when their nervous... Ever sense our teens. The body is almost 30 now. Why we never realized we were different ppl between the amnesia, dissociation, and personality overhauls beats me. Maybe I thought I was a phase. Really funny and obvious in hindsight.
She likes being scooped up, and I like scooping. We're addictingly compatible, we can go anywhere and do anything together, and most of all we understand our pain ...and it feels amazing.
But here's all the fucked up stuff I can't tell anyone. You rdy?
My age-sliding gf holds the memories of our fathers CSA, our masc shell alters kindnesss reminds her of the father she wished she had, and now my gf is suffering intrusive sexual attraction to him because we have OCD, and we've all struggled with inappropriate sexual feelings toward any one who makes us feel safe, Because our father, our brothers, our cousins, every male person we trusted preyed on us, and it's making literally everyone in the system feel terrible, especially my gf who is now feeling suicidal for for corrupting the safest outlet she had to heal it.
This is just... Torture. It's literal torture and we're all tired.
We are both healing hypersexual parts too. I have some of those SA memories, but it's incredibly vague.
Long story: you don't have read, I just... I've seen other systems dump, and I need it... I really need it right now I'm so tired.
She coped by sexualizing her victimization, i coped by sexualizing victimizing. I've never actually victimized anyone, but I liked very "borderline" porn from the perspective of the "initiator" ,I'll say that. I have sense stopped watching it now because I realized playing "predator" is so I don't have to confront how I was preyed on... I am hypervigilant about anything that could scare her or me now.
I put in work to be better. Especially now with my sparkly GF who age regresses when she's vulnerable... Our intrusive thoughts are mutually corrosive sometimes, and my worst fear is being a monster like our father.
So... Falling in love with her meant we had to confront those wounds. I was afraid I was a monster, and she only knew monster love, so... not being able to hide them those intrusive thoughts, and having the subject just go "it's okay🌸 I like being afraid!!" Took all of my stength to rise above our mutual depravity.
It was hard, sometimes hilarious, but we actually did it. I taught her real love is when someone respects your consent. There's no such thing as "loving someone so bad you can't resist them", that's what parasites do, not ppl who love you. It made both of us trust me more, because given the chance, i never hurt her.
Apparently , that whole time I didn't realize that I'm not the only one who's afraid of being a monster... So is our shell. Let's call him "Sheller". Sheller is a strange person. I'm a strange person. We get along well now that they realize they're a part too, not a container, or robot. We still do, things are just... Awkward... It's not his fault...
Sometimes I'd blend with Sheller, and they'd struggle to seperate my love for my gf from their own. They're like me in that they don't really feel like a woman either. So we both felt NB. Till he realized he didn't.
This poor dude... Had no idea the can of worms identifying as masculine would open. The dude just wanted to see himself, and when he did, it was a big healing thing to stop feeling like he only existed as our shadow. Truly, nothing is different now, he's just like 8 inches taller, boob-less, and his shoulders are wide. He's just as nice and safe as before, although more afraid of hurting us now.
I tbh didn't mind he thought my gf was cute, cuz she is!!! I trust him , and Of course he likes being around her, she's like sunshine and rainbows, it feels good to feel her joy, and when he blends with her he just fades in the back without thinking. He blends and expresses with everyone, it's his job lol. He also feels genuine joy when I am happy, and he supported and mediated our couple issues, he has and continues to be really supportive of us. He works a job and gets us shit he doesn't care about just cause it makes us happy. But I knew he was always quietly lonely. He loved seeing my gf get scooped up by me, cause she's a part of him too, a part that needs to feel loved and cherished. We all baby her tbh, but he never crossed any boundaries.
But then, this month, he fell in love with our old shell... "Shelley". Shelley had been inside an inner "infirmary" for a bit. She went through... so much for us. Shelley couldn't talk for years after ...And when she was finally discharged with his help... They bonded over the unique trauma of being shells, and being intense and weird. And when I say this dude was down bad, I mean it, he was down bad. Me and my gf are like treble, but they're BASS. Their love was so deep, and inspiring. Me and my gf were so happy, it felt like our awkward and stunted older brother fell in love and was opening up. We were going to have a cool older couple to bond with, and they were both just funny to watch too. We also remember reaching through Shelley, who never knew she was a system, but took care of us somehow even so, so we already cared for her.
My gf was happy for them, but started getting triggered by the glimpses she would see of their intimacy, and it made her think of the things she saw our parents doing by accident. And shed pop up sometimes when Shelley would feel those bright frilly things, and it would confuse her and make her uncomfortable.
She got really upset at Sheller one day and age regressed, telling everyone how uncomfortable it made her feel, pointing fingers and crying. Sheller felt terrible... He apologized profusely to my gf, asked how to make amends, and I did my part to soothe the rift between them too.
My gf felt very ashamed of both her regression and otp reaction, so she apologized for triggering his intrusive thoughts about being a monster again. She realized when she was big again that she was misdirecting anger at our father onto him, because Sheller is actually safe. She said she thinks she just wished she had pointed fingers at our Dad when he did what he did.
I think Shellers reaction to her discomfort was so gracious, kind, and safe... that she realized how much better things would have been for her if our Dad was like Sheller.
So she asked him if he could be her Dad. ... Lmao
He, understandably, insisted he was not stable enough to do that. He has too many intrusive thoughts he was still healing from, and could not risk both his own and her mental stability having even more responsibility on top of what he does. He was also honest that he saw my gf had some weird intrusive thoughts already slipping through and making him further uncomfortable. He said if he didn't share a brain, he would accept in a heartbeat, cause he likes taking care of us. And she accepted that well, but was sad.
She apologized about the intrusive thoughts, but when she thought about it more deeply, she explained she never had a safe male role model who didn't prey on her. That she wishes she had someone who could model familial love for her, and be a safe source of intamacy when she just wanted to be held without worrying it would turn sexual. She said I'm safe, but her attraction to me and mine to her reinforced the blurry lines she has around healthy admiration and sexuality. Me being the one to love her romantically but also hold her while shes age regressed sometimes makes her feel she's still warping those lines. I understand it, cause tbh, Sheller made me feel safe in that way too, but more like a brother.
He maintained his stance but said he already saw her as something like family. She realized it was enough to just know he loved her, and wasn't going to forget about her, and that we could all have family events with games or movies, and that was enough for her to move on happily.
The next day Sheller and Shelley had a beautiful date. They kept it inncoent in case my gfs signal was pulled in by accident. It was, but it wasn't a big deal, they were just dancing. I came out too so my gf felt less awkward. We had a whole evening together the four of us, and it was very fun. We just danced to our fave songs and listened to the rain storm.
My gf actually felt so happy and content. Id dance with her, and she's look over and see Shelley and Sheller laughing at us and waving at her. She was so happy, and felt like she finally had a family. But it was like... Out of nowhere she began spiraling.
She felt like she was going to lose all of us. She felt like she'd do something to mess things up. That her heart was breaking, or someone else's was. She couldn't place where it was coming from. Just heartbreak. Twisting sickening dread. Fear of abandonment. She started pulling back again and we all tried to comfort her to no help.
I switched in to comfort her more easily... But then I felt it too... It was like this depressive miasma... I started having all the same fears. Maybe I was just blending, but it was so confusing
She spent so long trying to understand why she felt this way, and testing different ideas, and now shes having those intrusive sexual attraction to Sheller really high.
Everyone involved feels fucking terrible now.
My gf has become incredibly depressed. She's terrified I'll leave her over this- and yeah, it's pretty disturbing and triggering for me, but I'm not really upset at her. I don't think I want to leave her yet. I mean I have intrusive sexual thoughts too, I've even had them about Sheller myself! But hers are way worse, cause she gets little and sees him as a father figure sometimes, and that must be so 🤢... OCD is like a shark and the more terrible a thought is the harder it tortures you with it.
My gf is trying not to feel suicidal... She's been far away all day... She feels like she will never know peace... Everytime she finally has someone show her love, her body reacts inappropriately, and not only will she lose me, but Sheller will Lose Shelley because he's getting his own intrusive thoughts about my gf, Shelley feels terrible because this all happened when she came along but my gf is afraid Shelley hates her, when she was excited to be yinyang friends with Shelley (who is also cute but more into spooky things).
Me and Shelley feel insecure too, cause like... Sheller is more masc than me and my gf is more femme than Shelley, so we are projecting all the insecurities into it. And what if we're wrong to trust them and they just run off and decide to have some gross fucked up trauma-themed relationship? Idk man, it's so mortifying even talking about it. But I really love both Sheller and my gf still, even with this burning in my chest, and they both are struggling with suicide ideation right now, and its just...
It's a whole ass mess...Our caretaker alt thinks Shelley, (sense she's an old shell) was blending with Sheller or my gf, and we were feeling her emotions, which we know she struggles with. It probably is that tbh. Cause we can barely lock onto Shelley sometimes. We think this is why it's been so weird and we don't even sound normal lately, and our signals are coming from weird angles.
So yeah... That's where we are... I just wanted to vent I guess. Support is welcome. I don't know man... Just feel so tired and embarrassed lol. I just feel like... Were so mentally ill and I hate it. Ugh... I hate our dad so fucking much. He really fucking broke us, and we're still in so much pain.
The only good news is we all have our anger placed in the right direction, not each other. We all understand what's happening isn't more than trauma. It just hurts so damn much ... Ugh... I really some how think we'll get through this... That day was so nice... And I felt so safe and happy... We all did ... And I think that's why we all possibly mutually ruined it lolol.

I posted about this on my profile a while back, but my 16th birthday absolutely sucked. I’m mostly back online now, so I guess that’s good, but damn, I don’t feel happy anymore, and I don’t want to. I put on a fake smile each day.
I can’t really talk to anyone about it. There’s always this “oh, mental health awareness” movement but then when people try to talk about it, you get shoved away. The only reason they care is because it interferes with their lives. I need to clarify I’m not depressed or anything, I filled out screenings last week at my annual checkup, but it still sucks.
I’ve felt really sad lately though. I’m sad that all my friends get to experience their 16th birthday, a milestone birthday, normally, while mine went down the drain, and I will never have that experience or be this age again. I don’t wish malice on them of course, but I hope someone out there gets it. Christmas went a similar way, so now I’m dreading that too this year. Every time I seem to be happy, something always comes along and ruins it. I’m scared to relax and be happy, to the point I actually feel GOOD when I’m stressed out in some way.
My parents are acting like it was no big deal, and are trying to act all normal, especially my dad. I feel like a background character in the lives of others, like if I were to die tomorrow not much else would change. My dad can never accept he‘s wrong, he says that I cannot “outshine the master” with any form of criticism, and then they happen to wonder why I’m so distant from them and don’t trust them with anything. I don’t want to be around them, it’s literal poison yet all my needs are being met. It’s so loving but so toxic, and I have such a weak heart that is too loving and forgiving of other people. I feel so dirty when they try to give me a hug or high five, like I’m laying in a pile of mud.
I’m not being abused physically, but damn I’m tired. I made a plan previously to travel around Christmas and my birthday in the future to make up for it, but I‘m never getting that time back, so there’s no point. I’d only be doing it to remind myself of my past sadness anyway. And I don’t know how I’m going to be able to afford to move out when I’m 18 given current trends. My own parents have said such horrible things to me that I can’t just move on from, saying that I’m a monster who leeches off other people, and that I am not welcome at their funerals. The only reason they want me to be successful is so that if they die early, I can take custody of my little sister. And then they boast about how they are so much better than their parents because they don’t resort to physical beatings. Granted, I’ve said horrible things too, but I was either a little kid or had horrible things said to me first.
On the subject of that, I hate the thought of my birthday so much now. The thought of someone making me a cake or saying Happy Birthday to me makes me cringe back to the prehistoric era. I’m absolutely dreading my 17th birthday, and I just simply wish there was a button to skip that entire week. I wish my family, my friends, and society collectively forgot about my birthday. I’m even contemplating deleting all my birthday and Christmas photos from the past, so I don’t have to look at them.
I love coding and making things, but even that just feels depressing now. I can’t really make anything as that’s not allowed too much after how my 16th birthday went, so I just don’t want to make or even think of anything at all. And when I do get the chance, I just feel like shutting it down and going to bed.
I just want to feel loved unconditionally. I just want to be able to embrace someone in a warm long hug, cry in front of them, and not have it be used against me down the road. I don’t want therapy (imo it’s thousands of dollars for a talk buddy who nods their head and gives generic bs) but I just want to be able to trust someone with my deepest thoughts. But everyone I’ve ever trusted either betrayed me, abandoned me, or used it as ammo in an argument.
I recently reconnected with my old best friend from childhood after nine months after he betrayed me for a girl, and it just doesn’t feel the same. It feels amazing, yes, but it’s like something is missing.
I’m just simply tired and don’t even know what to say anymore. I have so much to say but not the words to do it. I see this as the start of a new life, one I’m not seeking to alter in any way. I’m not looking for input or commentary, but I’ll go clinically insane and perhaps take my stress out on others if I don’t channel it somewhere.

Well after 4 years I managed to catch Covid. I tested positive Friday, so I’ve been home avoiding humanity. Trying not to spread the germs. (I’ve literally been shut up in my room since Thursday night.)
Yesterday was my birthday, I didn’t do anything unless you count gather trash, because I wanted it to go out. Didn’t want it sitting an entire extra week. I also mopped my bathroom floor after spilling cough medicine and did a single load of laundry. My bf says since I could do all that I should have been able to see him. (If I didn’t do it there is no one else who could!) I didn’t because I don’t want him sick. So he basically ignored me yesterday. Last night I broke down crying because I can’t hug and hold my cat. (I stay away from even my animals when sick.)
Today I feel like my temper is so short, the sound of my father’s walker (I take care of him) or his blaring tv or him coughing is driving me nuts. Or the fact he won’t cover his mouth! I almost have snapped at him for that. On top of that my anxiety and depression are acting up so bad. Idk if covid has any effect with that but each day it’s getting worse. Today I’ve cried several times. Just breaking down. I feel so alone, like nothing matters and no one cares. I know it’s my depression, but it’s really bad. My temper is getting so short I am afraid to even be around people. The smallest thing and I wanna shout! I feel like I’m on edge a ticking tomb bomb. Like I’ll either end up hurting myself or yelling and saying something that could hurt someone else.
I have like zero friends that are not online friends and if I had called my bf to come over I feel like he would somehow turn it into sex. Or I would end up loosing my temper for no reason and we would fight. Honestly I’ve hardly heard from my bf this entire time. I realize he’s not even asked one time how I am feeling.
I guess I just needed to rant to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Im buying a DS for my birthday coming later this year. I love collecting "old" games and is one of my dreams to own one. I've been eyeing one in a used stuff store ( i dont know what theyre called in the US) and i already have a list, but more the merrier. Here it is:
New super mario bros
Super mario 64 DS
Sonic rush
Sonic colors
Mario kart DS
Resident Evil Deadly silence
Pokemon white
Pokemon black 2
Pokemon platinum
Rythm heaven
Kirby super star ultra
Mario e Luigi bowser inside story
GTA chinatown
Tetris DS
Ace attorney
LEGO indiana jones
Rayman DS

Dementium - The Ward

Nanco museum
And maybe another LEGO or Spiderman game idk. I think a licensed game fits in a collection
Not to mention it comes with a GBA slot, wich i want
Pokemon emerald
Sonic advance 2
Sonic battle
Godzilla domination
Maybe some of GBA video for the memes?
Anyway. I love 2D and 3D platformers, colleathon or not. Also, i dislike RPG´s but a fan of horror games. Also tell me if one of them is ass. Thanks in advance. (also Heartgold or Soulsilver?)