Unblocked music sitessx
I(22m) don’t know what to do now after she(23f) rejected me. I never anticipated a rejection
2024.05.15 08:02 Curious-Lynx-6814 I(22m) don’t know what to do now after she(23f) rejected me. I never anticipated a rejection
We both met at a house party 2 years ago, we didn’t interact much at that time but we bonded a month or two later after meeting on a dating app over the fact that we both felt out of place at the house party.
For the next 7-8 months we bonded a lot over the same music taste, humour etc. I was going through a tough phase during this time, it can be summarised as a ho* phase because before this I was seeing a girl for the first time and after a few months she cheated on me in front of me at a club and it led to a traumatic experience and I had to go to therapy for this, I was experiencing panic attacks, severe anxiety and depression.
During my ho* phase, I was hooking up with girls I met on dating apps and I had lost the ability to genuinely connect with someone. I was still talking to this girl and we were becoming great friends.
Now almost 14 months ago she started seeing someone seriously and that guy cut her off slowly even though everything was going pretty well for them. During this period I confessed that I was into her and asked her out.
We went on a few dates, but she was moving out of the city for higher studies so we thought we weren’t ready for LDR but even after this we started an FWB sort of thing.
All of this led to an on-and-off situationship till she blocked me for a month because we were getting too close and it wouldn’t have led to anything. She unblocked me and we started chatting normally, but we still had the flirty banter between us, she would give some mixed signals by being horny and weird when she was ovulating(ik sounds weird af)
Now I was completely out of that ho* phase for an entire year, I deleted dating apps, and Instagram and completely focused on my studies. Earlier this year when we were talking I had a feeling that I was falling for her and confessed that I liked her and I wanted to see where it goes, and I was even open to an ldr.
We texted for some time she asked to meet and we bonded well but it was all platonic. When we smoked up at her place things got a bit messy when I straight up brought up the topic while I was high(ik it’s stupid) and she kept on evading it. It got very heated and I left later she told me that she couldn’t do ldr since I was also moving for my master's to a different country.
I was so genuinely into her that I never thought she would reject me, it has completely broken me and I am feeling like my 2022 self with the same panic attacks, anxiety and depression, I just can’t get over her, I have been with decent number of girls but never had this feeling of wanting to be with one only. I still cannot understand why she rejected me, what did I do wrong, I was even ready to commit completely in a relationship, something that I never thought I would be able to during my hoe phase.
Tldr- we had an on and off situationship but when I asked her that I was willing to commit in a long term relationship even if it was an LDR, she rejected me saying she wasn’t very sure of it.
submitted by Curious-Lynx-6814 to dating_advice [link] [comments]
For the next 7-8 months we bonded a lot over the same music taste, humour etc. I was going through a tough phase during this time, it can be summarised as a ho* phase because before this I was seeing a girl for the first time and after a few months she cheated on me in front of me at a club and it led to a traumatic experience and I had to go to therapy for this, I was experiencing panic attacks, severe anxiety and depression.
During my ho* phase, I was hooking up with girls I met on dating apps and I had lost the ability to genuinely connect with someone. I was still talking to this girl and we were becoming great friends.
Now almost 14 months ago she started seeing someone seriously and that guy cut her off slowly even though everything was going pretty well for them. During this period I confessed that I was into her and asked her out.
We went on a few dates, but she was moving out of the city for higher studies so we thought we weren’t ready for LDR but even after this we started an FWB sort of thing.
All of this led to an on-and-off situationship till she blocked me for a month because we were getting too close and it wouldn’t have led to anything. She unblocked me and we started chatting normally, but we still had the flirty banter between us, she would give some mixed signals by being horny and weird when she was ovulating(ik sounds weird af)
Now I was completely out of that ho* phase for an entire year, I deleted dating apps, and Instagram and completely focused on my studies. Earlier this year when we were talking I had a feeling that I was falling for her and confessed that I liked her and I wanted to see where it goes, and I was even open to an ldr.
We texted for some time she asked to meet and we bonded well but it was all platonic. When we smoked up at her place things got a bit messy when I straight up brought up the topic while I was high(ik it’s stupid) and she kept on evading it. It got very heated and I left later she told me that she couldn’t do ldr since I was also moving for my master's to a different country.
I was so genuinely into her that I never thought she would reject me, it has completely broken me and I am feeling like my 2022 self with the same panic attacks, anxiety and depression, I just can’t get over her, I have been with decent number of girls but never had this feeling of wanting to be with one only. I still cannot understand why she rejected me, what did I do wrong, I was even ready to commit completely in a relationship, something that I never thought I would be able to during my hoe phase.
Tldr- we had an on and off situationship but when I asked her that I was willing to commit in a long term relationship even if it was an LDR, she rejected me saying she wasn’t very sure of it.
2024.05.14 20:14 Odd_Worker_7647 My beautiful Cosmo has left us and the pain is immense.
 | Cosmo was the most beautiful treasure we ever had and will forever remain that until we meet again. We got him from Safe Haven for Cats in Raleigh July 3, 2021 at only 3 months old and he was definitely a crazy one. He loved life, eating, playing, cuddling, listening to Chrsitmas music, making biscuits, chirping at the squirrels & birds, and chatting back to us with his beautiful meows. He also enjoyed a few minutes outside running throughout the grass and exploring it all like he had never done before. Yesterday was as normal as any day. He ate, slept, watched the birds, and enjoyed his time but suddenly late afternoon he began to yell, crouch, and hide away. submitted by Odd_Worker_7647 to cats [link] [comments] We took him to UrgentVet where it was discovered that his urinary tract was blocked and had we waited an hour longer, he would have passed. They tried all they could but unfortunately could not unblock him and so we were transferred to Oak Heart Animal Hospital where they did the absolute most for him but unfortunately it was far too critical/complicated to where a catheter could not even pass. As beforehand, we were then transferred to NC State Vet Hospital where the best plan was surgery but unfortunately Cosmo had declined rapidly, discovered internal fluids, low temp, slow heartbeat, and ultimately began fading. No matter how much it pained us and how much we wish we wouldn’t have to, we decided it was best for Cosmo to go to heaven so he would no longer suffer from the pain and any future complications. We were able to hold him, tell him how much we loved him, and what he meant to us before he was put to sleep in my mother’s arms. Going home with an empty crate and his penguin is not what we imagined but we knew it was what was best for him. As of now we are numb… the house is quiet and empty. I miss holding him, kissing him, hearing his meows, talking to him, feeding him and we were given a ClayPaw Print which we will cherish forever. Soon we will receive his ashes and he will be back home to where he belongs and is loved. I want to thank all the Dr’s, nurses, and assistants that did everything they could for Cosmo and we will forever be grateful to them. Please love your babies and cherish them forever for in a span of 24 hours everything can change. If you feel as if your pet is having an issue, please that them to the vet before it’s too late. 🤍🐈⬛♾️ |
2024.05.14 14:53 Usuallurker1018 AITAH for choosing my in laws over my mom?
Get ready for a long one! Going to start this with a little (maybe a lot of) back story, over the last 5-6 years there has been a lot of conflict in my family not always directly involving me but always affecting me causing the family I’m in contact with to get smaller and smaller. My dad passed in 2020 and the family fall out was DRAMATIC to say the least, honestly that could be another Reddit post in of itself but I’m still healing from the trauma. Anyway, that resulted in me going no contact with nearly my dad’s entire family except his two sisters. One I love dearly but am not close with and the other, his youngest sister is like my own sister more than an aunt. We are close in age, have children similar ages, etc. I’m closer to her more than anyone in the world. Now on to my mom… my parents were divorced for about 3.5 years prior to my dads passing, and over the last 6 years her parents also passed and she lost contact with all of her other family… she is virtually alone. I love my mom, it breaks my heart and to make matters worse… I moved to another country 6 months after my dad died.
So let’s get it straight that I have TWO people to call family on my side really and truly. Along side my little brother who cannot be counted on and my aunt who lives a coast away from the rest of my family. A very small family for me now compared to the large family I grew up with…
Let me assure you also that my mom is stilll very much young at 50yo and healthy. She also has had a busy dating life and currently a steady boyfriend… so she’s not some poor old woman wasting away. So. While I’ve been living away I’ve given birth to both of my children… my mom’s first grandchildren and her also being the only grandparent on my side, her seeing them has been very important to me. I have gone to visit once a year and helped her come visit me once . Every visit is a disaster and I manage to disappoint my mom in some way or another even though…. I’m the one traveling across an ocean alone with babies! But still I try. When she came to visit me… it was in 2022 just a week after my son was born… I had gotten really sick after birth, and was in the hospital for a week and then had to go to the hospital daily getting iv meds.. it was a scary and traumatic time and I was so thankful to have my mom there…. Except she cried everyday about how I forced her to travel to another country alone and how we aren’t even doing anything….. again I was sick and just a week post partum… I bit my tongue and was very accommodating but did ask her to take a train/bus to and from the airport because it was far and didn’t want to be alone with both children for extended time due to being sick and weak… I thought this was perfectly reasonable considering she’s an able bodied adult who can read a book or listen to music during a trip and allow my husband to stay home and support me.
Flash forward to a recent trip home… I originally proposed this trip just me and my two children and to stay with my mom( again even though my family is small, it’s important to me she sees my kids) however my husband now has the opportunity with work to come with me…. Great now I don’t have to fly alone with two toddlers! When my in laws find out (by the way they have come to visit us twice and they live pretty far away on the opposite coast my family lives on) they decide they want to come too… meaning they’re gonna fly out an visit my coast so we can have a big family trip with both our families. I tell my mom nervously because I know she can be irritated by things like this but she acts excited for the trip still! So my MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and two nieces all fly out and get beach rental just a few houses down from where my mom lives. When the time comes it works out that we were there 2 days before and 2 days after my in laws and they’re there for 6 days in the middle. The way I planned it in my head was that we’d spend the first two days with my mom and the last two, as well as sometime with just my in laws in the middle while my mom worked and some combined time all together. And we were also staying with my mom so we were often together in the evenings as well. Sounds great, right? No.
The morning of my in-laws last day… she was acting weird, slamming doors, not coming up to say good morning like usual and then just getting in her car to leave for work. I stepped outside to wave bye and share barely acknowledged me, and I knew I was in for it. That day we took the kids to the park and I was feeling sad my mom couldn’t be there to join us and also sad that she was upset, so I sent her and I love you text.. to which I got “I made plans for tonight don’t worry about me”. Oh. Okay. I thought she’d join us for dinner to see my in laws off but no, she’d made plans. Fair enough but in comes the onslaught of texts. Of how I was constantly choosing to spend time with my in-laws over her, even though she was invited along every time aside from when she was at work… but she declined. She was so upset about this she told me she didn’t want to see us the rest of the trip… meaning the last full two days I had planned to dedicate to her… canceled… because essentially she didn’t want to go to the aquarium one day with all of us and want time to us all by herself and she didn’t come out and say it… and sorry my kids love the aquarium and it was raining so a great activity. But for her the value of the trip came down to the one specific moment and get this… she really wants me to know she’s still upset I made her come to Spain two years ago. I continued to try to reason with her but she threw insults that I feel can never taken back, she continuously called and yelled at me till I ended up blocking her for some peace. And moved our stuff over to my aunts for our last days. I did unblock her so she could calmly reach back out after 24 hours. Which she did and asked to see the kids and say goodbye, to which I agreed. We did have a very nice talk which resolved the tensions. But I’m left feeling really hurt by her insults… and a comment she kept making over and over “I’ll always just be your mom to you and that’s not fair” - i understand she is more than a mom but to me she is my mom and I largely still need her to be my mom because she’s the only parent I have left so I just don’t know how to treat her differently. I’m left wondering am I not treating her the way I should be? How should I be treating her in a way that is “not just my mom”? Did I spend to much time with my in-laws? I’m feeling really uneasy about our relationship and wondering am I the asshole here??? Or do I need to just set some boundaries and stand firm?
submitted by Usuallurker1018 to AITAH [link] [comments]
So let’s get it straight that I have TWO people to call family on my side really and truly. Along side my little brother who cannot be counted on and my aunt who lives a coast away from the rest of my family. A very small family for me now compared to the large family I grew up with…
Let me assure you also that my mom is stilll very much young at 50yo and healthy. She also has had a busy dating life and currently a steady boyfriend… so she’s not some poor old woman wasting away. So. While I’ve been living away I’ve given birth to both of my children… my mom’s first grandchildren and her also being the only grandparent on my side, her seeing them has been very important to me. I have gone to visit once a year and helped her come visit me once . Every visit is a disaster and I manage to disappoint my mom in some way or another even though…. I’m the one traveling across an ocean alone with babies! But still I try. When she came to visit me… it was in 2022 just a week after my son was born… I had gotten really sick after birth, and was in the hospital for a week and then had to go to the hospital daily getting iv meds.. it was a scary and traumatic time and I was so thankful to have my mom there…. Except she cried everyday about how I forced her to travel to another country alone and how we aren’t even doing anything….. again I was sick and just a week post partum… I bit my tongue and was very accommodating but did ask her to take a train/bus to and from the airport because it was far and didn’t want to be alone with both children for extended time due to being sick and weak… I thought this was perfectly reasonable considering she’s an able bodied adult who can read a book or listen to music during a trip and allow my husband to stay home and support me.
Flash forward to a recent trip home… I originally proposed this trip just me and my two children and to stay with my mom( again even though my family is small, it’s important to me she sees my kids) however my husband now has the opportunity with work to come with me…. Great now I don’t have to fly alone with two toddlers! When my in laws find out (by the way they have come to visit us twice and they live pretty far away on the opposite coast my family lives on) they decide they want to come too… meaning they’re gonna fly out an visit my coast so we can have a big family trip with both our families. I tell my mom nervously because I know she can be irritated by things like this but she acts excited for the trip still! So my MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and two nieces all fly out and get beach rental just a few houses down from where my mom lives. When the time comes it works out that we were there 2 days before and 2 days after my in laws and they’re there for 6 days in the middle. The way I planned it in my head was that we’d spend the first two days with my mom and the last two, as well as sometime with just my in laws in the middle while my mom worked and some combined time all together. And we were also staying with my mom so we were often together in the evenings as well. Sounds great, right? No.
The morning of my in-laws last day… she was acting weird, slamming doors, not coming up to say good morning like usual and then just getting in her car to leave for work. I stepped outside to wave bye and share barely acknowledged me, and I knew I was in for it. That day we took the kids to the park and I was feeling sad my mom couldn’t be there to join us and also sad that she was upset, so I sent her and I love you text.. to which I got “I made plans for tonight don’t worry about me”. Oh. Okay. I thought she’d join us for dinner to see my in laws off but no, she’d made plans. Fair enough but in comes the onslaught of texts. Of how I was constantly choosing to spend time with my in-laws over her, even though she was invited along every time aside from when she was at work… but she declined. She was so upset about this she told me she didn’t want to see us the rest of the trip… meaning the last full two days I had planned to dedicate to her… canceled… because essentially she didn’t want to go to the aquarium one day with all of us and want time to us all by herself and she didn’t come out and say it… and sorry my kids love the aquarium and it was raining so a great activity. But for her the value of the trip came down to the one specific moment and get this… she really wants me to know she’s still upset I made her come to Spain two years ago. I continued to try to reason with her but she threw insults that I feel can never taken back, she continuously called and yelled at me till I ended up blocking her for some peace. And moved our stuff over to my aunts for our last days. I did unblock her so she could calmly reach back out after 24 hours. Which she did and asked to see the kids and say goodbye, to which I agreed. We did have a very nice talk which resolved the tensions. But I’m left feeling really hurt by her insults… and a comment she kept making over and over “I’ll always just be your mom to you and that’s not fair” - i understand she is more than a mom but to me she is my mom and I largely still need her to be my mom because she’s the only parent I have left so I just don’t know how to treat her differently. I’m left wondering am I not treating her the way I should be? How should I be treating her in a way that is “not just my mom”? Did I spend to much time with my in-laws? I’m feeling really uneasy about our relationship and wondering am I the asshole here??? Or do I need to just set some boundaries and stand firm?
2024.05.14 03:25 shaneka69 SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS NUMEROLOGY DECODE
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS NUMEROLOGY DECODE
Since we all know exactly who and what Spongebob is, I am going to do a Numerology decode.When it comes to Numerology, there are many different things you can look into. I am going to look into the letters, patterns, and Numerology personality numbers.
SPONGEBOB has a personality #6. 6 is the number of compassion, work ethic, criticism, cleanliness, and productivity. In the funny show, we see that Spongebob is a workaholic. He has a 5 destiny number which shapes who you are overall. 5 is connected to youthfulness which explains the silliness of the Spongebob character. He is always laughing and doing things funny. The 5 energy indicates this. 5 also points to people, places, and things that are unique. He has an 8 soul urge which explains his undying ambition and creativity.
We can see that SPONGEBOB has 2 O's which has the numeric energy of 15 and numeric value of 6. 15 is the creative use of energy for productivity. Again, 6 is the number of routine, work ethic and productivity goes with this. This energy is not only his personality number, but also it is within his name. It's really in him.
SPONGEBOB HAS DOUBLE NUMERIC VALUES IN HIS NAME WHICH ARE, 7,6,5, AND 2. This explains why he is able to show his emotions and have moments of sensitivity(2). Very compassionate(2) but also childish and silly(5) and able to come up with plans that work(7). Since these #s has double influence, we must considered what they equal. 7 twice equals 14/5 which shows how he is responsible and can make work fun even though it is a duty(6). 6 twice equals 12/3 which shows his social skills, life, and creativity. Another youthful energy as well. 5 twice equals 10/1 which points to his bravery and capability to take action. 2 twice equals 4 which is home,family,responsibility, and structure on the home front and he would make everyone feel comfortable for the most part.
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2024.05.13 19:06 Key-Yogurtcloset-295 Unblocked after a year
For context I got dumped back in 2022 in September and have been blocked ever since, I spent all of 2023 grieving and moving on and have gotten to a really good place with myself and accepting it and having moved on. Lately I’ve been going through my old stories on Instagram deleting anything from back then because it does me no good to have reminders from such a dark time. I clicked a story where I asked for music recommendations and I didn’t expect to see his responses there, his pfp had changed, when I clicked it took me back to our dm, it had the same old love filter and I could see his number of followers. I was unblocked, for the first time in over a year I am unblocked. It caught me so offguard I was shocked disgusted hopeful nervous. I know that it means nothing, it’s been so long he was probably just clearing out his blocked and figured there’s no reason for me to be blocked anymore. But here I am and now I can’t stop thinking of him he’s in the back of my mind and it’s driving me insane. Such a small act that is probably meaningless on his end, and I’m thinking if there is a deeper meaning to it even though I know there isn’t . What am I supposed to do? I’ve been trying to ignore it to just keep on with my own life but it keeps just popping into my mind. His stupid face and the fact I don’t remember what his voice sounds anymore keeps popping up into my mind.
submitted by Key-Yogurtcloset-295 to BreakUps [link] [comments]
2024.05.13 16:31 dScryb May Dispatch: Opus updates, 450 new tracks, DELVE, May giveaway, and more
 | Hello Gamemasters and Friends, submitted by dScryb to dScryb [link] [comments] Let's start with the May Giveaway and then get into the updates. Enter the May GiveawayOur good friend Bob from the YouTube channel Bob World Builder, along with Eventyr Games, have just launched DELVE—a 200+-page guide to dungeons for 5E Dungeons & Dragons and Shadowdark RPG on Kickstarter. To celebrate, we're giving away the following:
Languorbloom by Daniel Caballero Opus UpdatesIf you're not already aware, Opus is a freshly-built, single-page web app that brings together dScryb's text, ambiences, sound effects, and music. It can play high-quality audio for your in-person or virtual players, and it works with Kenku FM for Discord integration.Opus Here's what we've added since the last newsletter:
Right now, on the content side, our priority is composing sound effects and descriptions for all 5e spells, followed by monsters. We expect all 5e spell sound effects to be published this month. Hear what's new. Try Opus! Opus RoadmapWe're continuing to enhance the user interface, including general polish and bug fixes—but our main focus for the next few weeks will be database improvements utilizing Node.js. It's not sexy but it will improve performance and unblock certain features that we're excited to develop next.After that, the next two items in our roadmap are (1) advanced music playlist and sfx board selection in collections; and then (2) player-fired SFX and Character files. We want to encourage participation in the beta, so we're currently offering a free 14-day trial on all subscriptions. (We recommend trialing the Celestial subscription, as this unlocks all content within Opus.) This offer is available to everyone, including current Composer, Hero, and Player subscribers. Start your free trial! Delve – A Guide to Dungeons for 5E & Shadowdark RPGDELVE is a 200+-page guide to dungeons for 5E Dungeons & Dragons and Shadowdark RPG by Bob World Builder and Eventyr Games.DELVE combines classic advice with modern resources that’ll make crawling through dungeons fun for the players and easy for the GM! DELVE Kickstarter DELVE has advice and guides for building awesome dungeons, new player options for dungeon delving characters, and plug-and-play dungeons filled with unique monsters, hazards, traps, and challenges! You can check out the DELVE Kickstarter here. New Auto-SFX Feature in FoundryVersion 4.4.3 of the dScryb Foundry module is out with the Auto-SFX feature! Go try it out!How it works: We've mapped hundreds of sound effects to hundreds of weapons, spells, items, monster deaths and more. All these assignments can be overwritten (and reverted) by the user. Also, an item that doesn't have a sound effect assignment can receive a custom sound effect assignment by the user. When these events occur, such as a weapon attack or monster death, the mapped sound effect is automatically played for everyone to hear. dScryb's Foundry VTT Module: Auto-SFX As we publish more sound effects, it will only get better. We aim to have all 5e spells done by the end of the month. Currently, this feature is only available for the 5e game system, but we have our sites on the Pathfinder game system next. And there's more great development coming soon for this module! If you haven't already seen it, our friend Fondue from Dice & Easy released a fantastic walkthrough of the dScryb Foundry VTT module. March dScryb Giveaway Winner, Alex!dScryb congratulates the winner of the February dScryb giveaway, Alex!We thank everyone who participated in the giveaway. More Fantastic ContentdScryb has published over 14,650 scenes, 4,750 sounds, and 75 maps!Join Us on Discord!Vote on new sound effects and ambiences and stay in-the-know about dScryb’s upcoming features and content by joining our Discord server! The team and I are there often, and our writers, editors, illustrators, and composers occasionally pop by to say hello and answer questions. There’s great discussion taking place each day. We look forward to seeing you.If Discord’s not your thing, you can email me via [info@dscryb.com](mailto:info@dscryb.com) with your questions, suggestions, or concerns, and I’ll get back to you. Happy adventures, David |
2024.05.13 10:28 vinayyy-n28 Swifties realise there are no ethical billionaires
 | submitted by vinayyy-n28 to dankinindia [link] [comments] |
2024.05.13 09:50 vinayyy-n28 Swifties finally realise there are no ethical billionaires
 | submitted by vinayyy-n28 to CringePurgatory [link] [comments] |
2024.05.13 05:28 alexbanana2a My narc mom doesn't get it
(I made a same post but with the photos of texts that "she" sent to me on my account since all the communities that I want to post don't allow them)
So it's mother's Day and my mom is absent in our lives until "now". I won't go into my whole life story but tl:dr tried her best but made hard by being emotionally unstable, unavailable, and would aid it with alcohol and verbal fights. Ok the reason why we're here. I (elder sibling) got kicked out with my dad in 2021. shit got worse in early 2022 with her in financial. Kicked my second oldest sister out during that time. Mom's mom died later that year in September. Forced the rest of my younger siblings to live with us for no reason after it. Horrible funeral/week due to her shit talking, and has been absent pretty much since then. Sure my younger siblings had the visits every other week but it slowly turned into months and now going into more than half a year. During the months of no visits "she" would text my younger siblings through social media, we come from a foreign family so older family members don't have much of an English grasp (unless its my dad multilingual mf) and "her" messages got more articulated in English grammar, at first it was more noticeable with the emails between my parents with her usual simple and poor one sentences, all of sudden proper English with paragraphs. It took so time after those first emails that the text between my siblings and mom started to look the same as the emails. This may be wrong on our part but we had suspicion that someone else was texting for her, so dad found some new guy that was friends on Facebook with her and when the kids visited her they confirmed that it was the same guy living with her. Dad found the 2 ex-wives (out of 3) of his and found out he's a huge con artist that's not allowed to fly internationally (due to his arrest as a con artist, his visa is stripped.) The new boyfriends plan usually was to meet some hopeless women, have a kid and then get married, then proceeded to lie about needing money for sick family in the USA, at first he was in the USA then left to the CAD after he left his first wife. He proceeded to do that for the rest of them. Currently, he's not allowed to talk to the kids from his first and one of the kids from his third ex-wives, while he still allowed visitation rights for the other one and the one he has with his second ex-wife. You may be wondering why this was included but it's because since dad still talks to the second and third ex-wives, he's found out that mom has been seen her boytoys kids more than her own kids, since he needs a supervisor when he visits his kids. When we found out he was texting for mom, dad emailed them telling him to stop texting to the younger kids as mom or else the cops were going to get involved, he replied showing no means to stop and this had happened in December 2022-Jaurary 2023. Ever since then they stopped trying hide the fact that it was him texting as her, and slowly over time though we had blocked her on all social media platforms. Before we had blocked her though, my oldest younger sister, started texting mom telling her to leave us alone and that, us, as the kids didn't want anything to do with her anymore until she stopped the abusive cycle she's put us all in. During all of that, she was calling the same sister at random times at night which started to affect her mental health really badly and she couldn't go to school cause of it. It got worse when she randomly showed up at my her and my little brothers school doing something with their school information, mom tried saying hi and saying she missed them, which scared my sister more thinking she was going to show up again. She tried telling mom that what she was doing was affecting her really badly, they proceeded to respond in the most foolish way, "thinking" that dad was texting, when my sister was trying to be the most professional she could be in that situation. After that situation, all the siblings blocked mom on everything and mom had previous encounters on social media already, so I kept her unblocked on gmail so I could laugh at the emails she can send, like today. The first email is proof how they would respond when they though it was dad, and the second one is from today and you can see the grammatical difference between the two, which explains our suspicions and why we did what we did. By the way, the reason why we can't do anything to restrict communication between mom and my siblings is because here we have a law where only 15+ can get some sort of a restraining order against someone and the oldest sibling of the youngest is a year or 2 from being able to, and for dad, this all still going through court trials (this why 2022 was shitty to begin with) cause of that, dad's been trying co-operative while mom has been doing the complete opposite, causing the court stuff to drag on. As much as what we're doing isn't the nicest or what you would call supportive but 18+ years of neglect, harm, and deprivation has caused a lot of pain and struggle coming into adulthood and with mom doing these moments still, I feel like I'm getting dragged back into my little self. Every one of my siblings shows their hurt from her in their different ways but not gonna lie with these months of no communication with mom, I've seen my family grow into people we should've been growing up with her, I don't have my old habits like tiptoeing everytime, everyday just for talk or food, or having to blust music 24/7 into headphones because she'd always scream at anyone for doing something wrong, we joke without worrying about someone commenting negative, we can play and rough house without yelling, we can be loud without someone screaming to shut the hell up, we can do our chores whenever we can, not being screamed at to do it at this moment. There's been ups and downs with our growth but this is a lot better than being not human living with her.
This year's mother's Day hasn't been pleasant, but I do enjoy the company of my grandma's, alive and dead. Happy mother's Day.
submitted by alexbanana2a to entitledparents [link] [comments]
So it's mother's Day and my mom is absent in our lives until "now". I won't go into my whole life story but tl:dr tried her best but made hard by being emotionally unstable, unavailable, and would aid it with alcohol and verbal fights. Ok the reason why we're here. I (elder sibling) got kicked out with my dad in 2021. shit got worse in early 2022 with her in financial. Kicked my second oldest sister out during that time. Mom's mom died later that year in September. Forced the rest of my younger siblings to live with us for no reason after it. Horrible funeral/week due to her shit talking, and has been absent pretty much since then. Sure my younger siblings had the visits every other week but it slowly turned into months and now going into more than half a year. During the months of no visits "she" would text my younger siblings through social media, we come from a foreign family so older family members don't have much of an English grasp (unless its my dad multilingual mf) and "her" messages got more articulated in English grammar, at first it was more noticeable with the emails between my parents with her usual simple and poor one sentences, all of sudden proper English with paragraphs. It took so time after those first emails that the text between my siblings and mom started to look the same as the emails. This may be wrong on our part but we had suspicion that someone else was texting for her, so dad found some new guy that was friends on Facebook with her and when the kids visited her they confirmed that it was the same guy living with her. Dad found the 2 ex-wives (out of 3) of his and found out he's a huge con artist that's not allowed to fly internationally (due to his arrest as a con artist, his visa is stripped.) The new boyfriends plan usually was to meet some hopeless women, have a kid and then get married, then proceeded to lie about needing money for sick family in the USA, at first he was in the USA then left to the CAD after he left his first wife. He proceeded to do that for the rest of them. Currently, he's not allowed to talk to the kids from his first and one of the kids from his third ex-wives, while he still allowed visitation rights for the other one and the one he has with his second ex-wife. You may be wondering why this was included but it's because since dad still talks to the second and third ex-wives, he's found out that mom has been seen her boytoys kids more than her own kids, since he needs a supervisor when he visits his kids. When we found out he was texting for mom, dad emailed them telling him to stop texting to the younger kids as mom or else the cops were going to get involved, he replied showing no means to stop and this had happened in December 2022-Jaurary 2023. Ever since then they stopped trying hide the fact that it was him texting as her, and slowly over time though we had blocked her on all social media platforms. Before we had blocked her though, my oldest younger sister, started texting mom telling her to leave us alone and that, us, as the kids didn't want anything to do with her anymore until she stopped the abusive cycle she's put us all in. During all of that, she was calling the same sister at random times at night which started to affect her mental health really badly and she couldn't go to school cause of it. It got worse when she randomly showed up at my her and my little brothers school doing something with their school information, mom tried saying hi and saying she missed them, which scared my sister more thinking she was going to show up again. She tried telling mom that what she was doing was affecting her really badly, they proceeded to respond in the most foolish way, "thinking" that dad was texting, when my sister was trying to be the most professional she could be in that situation. After that situation, all the siblings blocked mom on everything and mom had previous encounters on social media already, so I kept her unblocked on gmail so I could laugh at the emails she can send, like today. The first email is proof how they would respond when they though it was dad, and the second one is from today and you can see the grammatical difference between the two, which explains our suspicions and why we did what we did. By the way, the reason why we can't do anything to restrict communication between mom and my siblings is because here we have a law where only 15+ can get some sort of a restraining order against someone and the oldest sibling of the youngest is a year or 2 from being able to, and for dad, this all still going through court trials (this why 2022 was shitty to begin with) cause of that, dad's been trying co-operative while mom has been doing the complete opposite, causing the court stuff to drag on. As much as what we're doing isn't the nicest or what you would call supportive but 18+ years of neglect, harm, and deprivation has caused a lot of pain and struggle coming into adulthood and with mom doing these moments still, I feel like I'm getting dragged back into my little self. Every one of my siblings shows their hurt from her in their different ways but not gonna lie with these months of no communication with mom, I've seen my family grow into people we should've been growing up with her, I don't have my old habits like tiptoeing everytime, everyday just for talk or food, or having to blust music 24/7 into headphones because she'd always scream at anyone for doing something wrong, we joke without worrying about someone commenting negative, we can play and rough house without yelling, we can be loud without someone screaming to shut the hell up, we can do our chores whenever we can, not being screamed at to do it at this moment. There's been ups and downs with our growth but this is a lot better than being not human living with her.
This year's mother's Day hasn't been pleasant, but I do enjoy the company of my grandma's, alive and dead. Happy mother's Day.
2024.05.13 01:59 alexbanana2a My narc mom doesn't get it
 | So it's mother's Day and my mom is absent in our lives until "now". I won't go into my whole life story but tl:dr tried her best but made hard by being emotionally unstable, unavailable, and would aid it with alcohol and verbal fights. Ok the reason why we're here. I (elder sibling) got kicked out with my dad in 2021. shit got worse in early 2022 with her in financial. Kicked my second oldest sister out during that time. Mom's mom died later that year in September. Forced the rest of my younger siblings to live with us for no reason after it. Horrible funeral/week due to her shit talking, and has been absent pretty much since then. Sure my younger siblings had the visits every other week but it slowly turned into months and now going into more than half a year. During the months of no visits "she" would text my younger siblings through social media, we come from a foreign family so older family members don't have much of an English grasp (unless its my dad multilingual mf) and "her" messages got more articulated in English grammar, at first it was more noticeable with the emails between my parents with her usual simple and poor one sentences, all of sudden proper English with paragraphs. It took so time after those first emails that the text between my siblings and mom started to look the same as the emails. This may be wrong on our part but we had suspicion that someone else was texting for her, so dad found some new guy that was friends on Facebook with her and when the kids visited her they confirmed that it was the same guy living with her. Dad found the 2 ex-wives (out of 3) of his and found out he's a huge con artist that's not allowed to fly internationally (due to his arrest as a con artist, his visa is stripped.) The new boyfriends plan usually was to meet some hopeless women, have a kid and then get married, then proceeded to lie about needing money for sick family in the USA, at first he was in the USA then left to the CAD after he left his first wife. He proceeded to do that for the rest of them. Currently, he's not allowed to talk to the kids from his first and one of the kids from his third ex-wives, while he still allowed visitation rights for the other one and the one he has with his second ex-wife. You may be wondering why this was included but it's because since dad still talks to the second and third ex-wives, he's found out that mom has been seen her boytoys kids more than her own kids, since he needs a supervisor when he visits his kids. When we found out he was texting for mom, dad emailed them telling him to stop texting to the younger kids as mom or else the cops were going to get involved, he replied showing no means to stop and this had happened in December 2022-Jaurary 2023. Ever since then they stopped trying hide the fact that it was him texting as her, and slowly over time though we had blocked her on all social media platforms. Before we had blocked her though, my oldest younger sister, started texting mom telling her to leave us alone and that, us, as the kids didn't want anything to do with her anymore until she stopped the abusive cycle she's put us all in. During all of that, she was calling the same sister at random times at night which started to affect her mental health really badly and she couldn't go to school cause of it. It got worse when she randomly showed up at my her and my little brothers school doing something with their school information, mom tried saying hi and saying she missed them, which scared my sister more thinking she was going to show up again. She tried telling mom that what she was doing was affecting her really badly, they proceeded to respond in the most foolish way, "thinking" that dad was texting, when my sister was trying to be the most professional she could be in that situation. After that situation, all the siblings blocked mom on everything and mom had previous encounters on social media already, so I kept her unblocked on gmail so I could laugh at the emails she can send, like today. The first email is proof how they would respond when they though it was dad, and the second one is from today and you can see the grammatical difference between the two, which explains our suspicions and why we did what we did. By the way, the reason why we can't do anything to restrict communication between mom and my siblings is because here we have a law where only 15+ can get some sort of a restraining order against someone and the oldest sibling of the youngest is a year or 2 from being able to, and for dad, this all still going through court trials (this why 2022 was shitty to begin with) cause of that, dad's been trying co-operative while mom has been doing the complete opposite, causing the court stuff to drag on. As much as what we're doing isn't the nicest or what you would call supportive but 18+ years of neglect, harm, and deprivation has caused a lot of pain and struggle coming into adulthood and with mom doing these moments still, I feel like I'm getting dragged back into my little self. Every one of my siblings shows their hurt from her in their different ways but not gonna lie with these months of no communication with mom, I've seen my family grow into people we should've been growing up with her, I don't have my old habits like tiptoeing everytime, everyday just for talk or food, or having to blust music 24/7 into headphones because she'd always scream at anyone for doing something wrong, we joke without worrying about someone commenting negative, we can play and rough house without yelling, we can be loud without someone screaming to shut the hell up, we can do our chores whenever we can, not being screamed at to do it at this moment. There's been ups and downs with our growth but this is a lot better than being not human living with her. submitted by alexbanana2a to Narc [link] [comments] This year's mother's Day hasn't been pleasant, but I do enjoy the company of my grandma's, alive and dead. Happy mother's Day. |
2024.05.12 17:50 playersed Esbern and skytemple issues (multiple)
I was doing quest to rescue esbern and i just had constant bugs whith this particular npc ,first when i entered sky temple Delpine wouldnt walk throgh the staircase and so she wasnt starting conversation with Esbern ,i went put waited 24 hours went back and quest went as normal ,than i have to find an elder scroll and optionally i could speak with Esbern or Arngeir and here it goes when i approached Esbern he would just say "you need to speak up im a little bit deaf" and no dilogue would pop up than i fast traveled to high hothgar (as i tryied Esbern multiple times) ,the whole screen whent black ,
this is not only issue with the dialouges i got another was when i couldnt buy vigilance becouse option wasnt showing ,and a lot of times i have to restart game if i want my followers to "wait here" becouse the dialoug3s not showing ,i can drop my LO ,but i got around 270 mods the next mod i install will swich off mod at the bottom of my LO ,
im thinking could this be caused by gdo and skyrim reputation ? I got both of them (skyrim reputation 40 mb version i belive thats the updated one) honestly i done that quest it took couple restarts and i wasnt able to do it through Esbern bur what is the couse of it ? I havent had many problems before i started quests with the blades
Edit: here is my LO
USSEP
SIMPLE WORKAROUND FRAMEWORK
REALISTIC EQUIPMENT - AE
JUST SHIELDS (ON BACK) - AE
EXTRA RANKS FOR AUGUMENTED DESTRUCTION PERKS
COMBAT REGEN TWEAKS
QOL AND BUG FIX COMPILATION
GUARD DIALOGUE OVERHAUL (XB1)
SKYRIM REPUTATION - MYSTERIOUSLY FIXED, PATCHED & IMPROVED
SKYRIN REPUTATION MFP& COMFIGURATION MENU
TK INTERFACE OVERHAUL - BETA
ELDEN SCROLLS UI
TAOS: THE ART OF SMITHING (XBOX ONE)
SMITHING XP
INCREASED MINING
DISPLAY ENHANCEMENTS (XB1)
[XB1] DYNAMIC CAMERA
[XB1] RICH MERCHANTS OF SKYRIM SPECIAL EDITION
SMART NPC 0OTIONS - ENEMIES USE POTIONS AND POISONS
HAND PLACED ENEMIES - MORE POPULATED SPAWNS DUNGEONS AND POIS
ENEMY REINFORCEMENTS (FIXED)
ARCH ENEMIES - DIFFICULT BOSSES AND UNIQUE ENCHANTMENTS
REAL BOSSES
REAL BOSSES - HARDCORE
THE SWORD OF THE DAM***
BLEACH ZENGETSU ALL FORMS 1K
TAOS: EXTRA CRAFTABLES (XBOX ONE)
CRAFTABLE UNENCHANTED DAEDRIC ARTIFACTS
CRAFTABLE CROSSBOWS AND BOLTS - STANDARD VER
CRAFTABLE CHARACTER GEAR XB1
SICARIUS ARMOR - BLACK VARIANT
REINFORCED EBONY ARMOR
CONTRACTOR ARMOR 1K
ELEMENTAL VISION OF SKYRIM - CRAFTABLE
DAEDRIC CLOAKS
WEIGHTLESS
WEIGHTLESS DRAGONBORN
WEIGHTLESS HEARTFIRE
TRUE MASTER TRAINERS
[XB1]TRAINING LEVEL LIMIT
TRAINING DUMMIES AND TARGETS [XB1]
MAGIC SCALES WITH LEVEL
VORTIKAIS DRAGON ASPECT TOGGLE - MAGIC AND SHOUT BUFFS
GRAPPLING SHOUT
KAIOKEN SHOUT (GOKU VOICE)
UNLIMITED WEREWOLF
WEREWOLF - POWER
[XBOX ONE] WEREWOLF PERKS EXPANDED
SIMPLE WEREWOLF ABILITY BOOST [XB1]
VAMPIRE LORD OVERHAUL: 1K KYNREEVE RED GLOW ARMOR NEW HAIR RED RUNES
ARCANE ACCESSORIES ABSORB & VAMPIRE TWEAKS [XB1]
VAMPIRE LORD - INVENTORY, FLIGHT, AND 60 PERKS
TREEBALANCE - COMBO PACK [XB1]
SHOUT PERKS
EXTRA POWERFUL MARKSMAN PERKS XB1
[XB1] FISTS OF STEEL - ADDITIONAL RANKS FOR THE SISTS OF STEEL PERK
IMPROVED MAGIC [XB1]
POWERED DESTRUCTION [XB1]
AUGMENTED DESTRUCTION
PHENDRIX MAGIC EVOLVED
YS SPELL TWEAKS
ENHANCED NIGH VISIIN SPELL TOME (XBOX1)
VAMPIRE SPELLS
[XO] VAMPIRIC DRAIN RANGE
BETTER VAMPIRIC DRAIN
PHENDRIX DEAD THRALL
GROUND DRAGON - DRAGONREND SPELL
LEVITATE SPELL - SKYRIM
DECAPITATION SPEL
WOOD'S SPARK OF DESTRUCTION
ONE HANDED MASTER SPELLCASTING SE
DRAGONBALL TRANSFORMATIONS PACK
DRAGONBALL SPELL PACK
[XO][VO]VAMPIRIC DRAIN DESTRUCTION NOVICE AND XP FIX
HOLY WARDS BY BANJO BUNNY
DRAKONS WARD ENCHANTMENT
BATTLE WARDS - WARD WHEN YOU BLOCK!
SKYLAND BITS AND BOBS - CLUTTER OVERHAUL
SKYLAND AIO
DAVES UFHD MOINTAINS
SMIM CHAIN MESHES ONLY
NORTHERN ROADS 1K
NORTHERN ROADS & BLENDED ROADS PATCH
DIVINE TEXTURE PACK - TREES
DIVINE FORESTS
DIVERGENCE - LUXURIANT 2 - PLANTS - PERFORMANCE
VEYDOSEBROM - GRASSES AND GROUNDCOVER - NORMAL VERSION
LANDSCAPE FIXES FOR GRASS MODS
NORTHERN ROADS & LANDSCAPE FIXES FOR GRASS MODS PATCH
JUST ICE - 1K
BETTER DYNAMIC SNOW V2.11(SMIM)
NORTHERN ROADS & BETTER DYNAMIC SNOW PATCH
IA92'S REALISTIC RAIN (XBOX1)
REALISTIC CLOUDS - IMMERSIVE EDITION
SUPREME AND VOLUMETRIC FOG [XB1]
SKYLAND ENCHANTING TABLES
DIVERGENCE - BLACKSMITH - 1K
DIVERGENCE - THE PHILOSOPHERS PROPERTY - SPELL TOMES - 512
RABBIT AND DEAD HANGING RABIT REPLACER WITH FEED RABITS
ANIMATED FORGE WATER ( NORMAL VERSION) BY WSKSKEEVER
NO SUNLIGHT THROUGHT MOUNTAINS
SPARKLING TORCHBUGS
NARUTO ULTIMATE OVERHAUL
CBBE (CURVY)
BETTER MALE PRESETS [XB1]
LOVERBOY DEFAULT 1K
(BLACK) EYEBROWS BY DDSWORKSHOP
SUPERIOR LORE FRIENDLY HAIR
NINETIETHTRAINS KS HAIR PICKS
AFT AE
REMOVE FOLLOWER LEVEL CAP
DIVERGENCE - VANILLA + CREATION CLUB - AIO - 1K-512
DIVERGENCE CUBE MAPS
BLACK AND GOLD EBONY ARMOR RETEXTURE (XB1)
BLACK AND GOLD EBONY WEAPOS (XB1)
COIN POUCH RETEXTURE - BLACK
LANDLORD [XB1]
WEARAVLE LANTERNS [XB1]
IMPROVED UNIQUE ARTIFACRS [XB1]
IMPROVED DAEDRIC ARTIFACRS [XB1]
EBONY BLADE USELESS NO MORE
DIVINE DAEDRIC DAWNBREAKER (RED GLOSSY WORDING)[XB1] BY LUPUS HEGEMONIA
IMPROVED DIVINE AMULET AND BLESSING
DIVERSE DIVIBE AMULET AND ENCHANMENTS
BLACK LEATHER SEATH - A LEATHER SEATH REPLACER
GENUINE GIANTS
DIVERGENCE - COMPENDUM OF BEATS - ANIMUCULI - 1K
LUMINOUS ATRONACHS
TOUGHER NAMED DRAGONS
ERSO ENHANCED MIGHTY DRAGONS - NIGHTMARE VERSIKN
GAME OF THRONES AND HOUSE OF THE DRAGON - VANILLA DRAGONS REPLACER - 1K -512
GOT HOTD - DIVERSE DRAGONS 512
[XB1] GOT HOTD - OPTIONAL FILE "BLOOD MESHES HIDDEN"
GOT HOTD - SKELETAL DRAGON AND UNDERSKIN 1K
[XB1] HOTD - GOT SKELETON EDIT VERSION 2 ( BIGGER HEAD)
[XB1] DRAGON ANIMATION REPLACE SE - WITH STANDING BREATH OPTION
HOTKEY CONTROLLR - UPDATED (BY DADDYMCHUGENUTS)
A QUALITY WORLD MAP - CLEAR MAP SKIES [XB1]
PASTEL MAP MARKERS [XB1]
SUMMER MYST - ENCHANTMENTS OF SKYRIM [XB1]
SUMMERMYST ENCHANTMENTS CHESTS
[PATCH] SUMMERMYST (ON BACK AND ON LEFT)
FORTIFY DESTRUCTION ENCHANTMENT
SUMMERMYST - LEVELED LIST FIXES
SUMMERMYST ENCHANTMENTS - GUARANTEED LOCATIONS
VAE3 - VISUAL ANIMATED ENCHANTS 2-023
VAE2SUMMERMYST PATCH
PARAPHERNALIA REALISTIC MAGIC (NO GRAVITY)
IMMERSIVE SPELL EFFECTS EMIT LIGHT
3D CASTING FX - FIRE AND FROST HAND FX REPLACER BY ARCTAL
VISUAL MASTER SPELLS
STRANGE RUNES LITE
REALISTIC AI DETECTION LITE [XB1]
IMMERSIVE RAGON SOUNDS -IDS- (ENIGMA REMASTER)
SAO- BATTLE MUSIC
SEKIRO SOULS SFX
AIRGETLAM -MODERN MAGIC SOUNDS REWORK-
LEVEL UP IN SILENCE
REALISTIC WEAPON PLACEMENT (CLOAD EDITION)
VISIBLE FAVORITED GEAR
SKYSA - OLIVER KENJUTSU
SEKIRO COMBAT S - WITH ENEMY COMBAT INTEGRATION
GDB ANIMATION PACK (EDGEMASTER-MAIN)
GDB ANIMATION PACK (VIKINGS)
GDB ANIMATION PACK (SEKIRO)
DYNAMIC COMBAT FOR SKYSA
SKYSA DUAL WIELD AND PARRYING SIMPLIFIED
CINEMATIC DRAGON SOUL ABSORPTION -(NO SCREAM/FLOATING ANIMATION)
NEW ANIMATION FOR MAGIC CASTING SSE
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (UNARMED)
SMOOTH JUMP ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (DUAL WIELD)
SMOOTH BOW SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH BLOCK ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (GREATSWORD)
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (WARHAMMEBATTLEAXE)
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (1H)
VIOLENS - A KILLMOVE MOD SE [XB1]
AMAZING RACE TWEAKS! NORD [XB1]
THE UNKNOWN
SUPER FAST GET UP ANIMATION
SNIPER - ADD DAMAGE BONUS
BNP WEREWOLF EYES - BLUE
ENEMY HEALTH INDICATORS
[XB1] SUPER SIMPLE LOCK BASH
REALISTIC CONVERSATIONS ( XB1 )
FAST TRAVEL TO CITIES FROM START[XB1]
INSTANT FAST TRAVEL
NO PLAYER FALL DAMAGE
NO STAGGER WHILE CASTING
DUALCAST REBALANCE [XBOX]
DRAGON SOULS TO ATTRIBUTES XB1
10 HEALTH PER LEVEL (XB1)
PERK POINTS AT SKILL LEVELS 50-75-100
PERK POINTS AND MORE GOLD FOR BOINTY QUESTS (XB1)
FAST BEAST PERKS XB1
50 PCT MORE PERK POINTS [XB1]
PERK POINT AWARDS
SKILL INCREASE STATS - UPDATE
QUEST AWARD PERK POINTS
[XB1] TRULY ABSORB DRAGON SOULS - HEAVY BY ADVENTURERX
VANILLA - MESSEGEBOX FIX
PICKPOCKET 100
ITEM SORTING
GRITTY PALADIN POTION
WARBIRDS DRASTIC DRAGON LOOT
MORE LOOS [XB1]
CIVIL WAR CHAMPIONS CLOAK FIX
ACTIKN BASED PROJECRILES + AE PATCHES
[XB1] PROPER AIMING
NORMAL MAGICA REGEN IN COMBAT
IMMORTAL DEAGONBORN
FAIR DRAUGIR SHOUTS
DRAGONS USE THUUM
DRAGKNS USE THUUM SHOUT REMOVER PATCH
Q DAY DRAGON RESPAWN
BIJIN AIO
BIJIN AIO & USSEP PATCH
ARVAK ENCHANCED [XB1]
MEEKO AND VIGILANCE ARE HUSKIES
WOLFES OF SKYRIM
DRAGONBORN CASTLE
TNF SKYRIM HOUSE REMODEL
[XB1] NO WORLD BORDERS
LESS INTERIOR FOG
DRAGONS FROM THE START
ELEMENTAL FURY FIX
DBZ TELEPORT
[XB1]UNLIMITED RINGS AND AMULETS
UNLIMITED SHOUTING (XB1)
UNLIMITED SUMMONS
ENLIMITED ENCHANTMENTS
ALL ARMOR LOOTABLE
NO HELMET REQUUIRED(XB1)
FASTER WEAPONS
FASTER GRATSWORDS:ANNIVERSARY EDITION (XBOX)
FATSER TWOHANDED WEAPONS AND WAR AXES AND MACES
[XB1] RING OF UNBLOCKING
HATS HELMETS HOODS AND HOODED ROBES WITB CIRCLETS
CLOAKS FACE MASKS AND ALL SPRTS 2 * FANS EDITION *
IMPROVED CLOSEFACED HELMETS
IMPROVED CLOSEFACED HELMETS - USSEP PATCG
IA92S ENCHANTING WITHOUT RESTRICTION (XBOX1)
FROST SLOW TWEAKS BY RAFEAR
DAKEN'S YUMMY DRAGON HEARTS
DRAGON SOULS HEAL YOU
POPPYLORS INI TWEAKS FOR SERIES X
TEMPER EBONY BLADESKYLAND LODS
[XB] GOT DRAGON MAON MENU REPLACER
LOOKS DONT CHANGE FOR A VAMPIRE
CHEAT ROOM (XB1)
CHEAT ROOM -ANNIVERSARY PATCH
MYTHICAL AGES (V1.10)
MINTYS LIGHTNING DURING STORMS
MYTHICAL AGES MINTY LIGHTING STORM PATCH
NO CAMERA FADE
REMOVE BLOOD FROM SCREEN
DISABLE SCREEN SHAKE EFFECT
NO TINT ABSORB XB1
NO RADIAL BLIR - PERFORMANCE OPTIMIZATION ( XB1 )
EMBERS XB BY MINDFLUX 1K
CC CAMPING - EMBERS XD PATCH
ANIMATED WATER FORGE (NORMAL VERSION) - EMBERS XD PATCH
EMBERS XD V 3.0.1-CC GOLDENHILLS PATCH
ALTERNATE START - LIVE ANOTHER LIFE
NORTHERN ROADS & ALTERNATE START PATCH
OPEN CITIES SKYRIM
NORTHERN ROADS & OPEN CITIES PATCH
REALISTIC WATER TWO BY ISOKU, SPARROWPRICE, &TECHANGEL185
REALISTIC WATER TWO & SAINTS AND SEDUCERS PATCH
NATURAL WATERFALLS
CUMULATIVE BLESSINGS
COLORED.MAGIC AURAS
submitted by playersed to SkyrimModsXbox [link] [comments]
this is not only issue with the dialouges i got another was when i couldnt buy vigilance becouse option wasnt showing ,and a lot of times i have to restart game if i want my followers to "wait here" becouse the dialoug3s not showing ,i can drop my LO ,but i got around 270 mods the next mod i install will swich off mod at the bottom of my LO ,
im thinking could this be caused by gdo and skyrim reputation ? I got both of them (skyrim reputation 40 mb version i belive thats the updated one) honestly i done that quest it took couple restarts and i wasnt able to do it through Esbern bur what is the couse of it ? I havent had many problems before i started quests with the blades
Edit: here is my LO
USSEP
SIMPLE WORKAROUND FRAMEWORK
REALISTIC EQUIPMENT - AE
JUST SHIELDS (ON BACK) - AE
EXTRA RANKS FOR AUGUMENTED DESTRUCTION PERKS
COMBAT REGEN TWEAKS
QOL AND BUG FIX COMPILATION
GUARD DIALOGUE OVERHAUL (XB1)
SKYRIM REPUTATION - MYSTERIOUSLY FIXED, PATCHED & IMPROVED
SKYRIN REPUTATION MFP& COMFIGURATION MENU
TK INTERFACE OVERHAUL - BETA
ELDEN SCROLLS UI
TAOS: THE ART OF SMITHING (XBOX ONE)
SMITHING XP
INCREASED MINING
DISPLAY ENHANCEMENTS (XB1)
[XB1] DYNAMIC CAMERA
[XB1] RICH MERCHANTS OF SKYRIM SPECIAL EDITION
SMART NPC 0OTIONS - ENEMIES USE POTIONS AND POISONS
HAND PLACED ENEMIES - MORE POPULATED SPAWNS DUNGEONS AND POIS
ENEMY REINFORCEMENTS (FIXED)
ARCH ENEMIES - DIFFICULT BOSSES AND UNIQUE ENCHANTMENTS
REAL BOSSES
REAL BOSSES - HARDCORE
THE SWORD OF THE DAM***
BLEACH ZENGETSU ALL FORMS 1K
TAOS: EXTRA CRAFTABLES (XBOX ONE)
CRAFTABLE UNENCHANTED DAEDRIC ARTIFACTS
CRAFTABLE CROSSBOWS AND BOLTS - STANDARD VER
CRAFTABLE CHARACTER GEAR XB1
SICARIUS ARMOR - BLACK VARIANT
REINFORCED EBONY ARMOR
CONTRACTOR ARMOR 1K
ELEMENTAL VISION OF SKYRIM - CRAFTABLE
DAEDRIC CLOAKS
WEIGHTLESS
WEIGHTLESS DRAGONBORN
WEIGHTLESS HEARTFIRE
TRUE MASTER TRAINERS
[XB1]TRAINING LEVEL LIMIT
TRAINING DUMMIES AND TARGETS [XB1]
MAGIC SCALES WITH LEVEL
VORTIKAIS DRAGON ASPECT TOGGLE - MAGIC AND SHOUT BUFFS
GRAPPLING SHOUT
KAIOKEN SHOUT (GOKU VOICE)
UNLIMITED WEREWOLF
WEREWOLF - POWER
[XBOX ONE] WEREWOLF PERKS EXPANDED
SIMPLE WEREWOLF ABILITY BOOST [XB1]
VAMPIRE LORD OVERHAUL: 1K KYNREEVE RED GLOW ARMOR NEW HAIR RED RUNES
ARCANE ACCESSORIES ABSORB & VAMPIRE TWEAKS [XB1]
VAMPIRE LORD - INVENTORY, FLIGHT, AND 60 PERKS
TREEBALANCE - COMBO PACK [XB1]
SHOUT PERKS
EXTRA POWERFUL MARKSMAN PERKS XB1
[XB1] FISTS OF STEEL - ADDITIONAL RANKS FOR THE SISTS OF STEEL PERK
IMPROVED MAGIC [XB1]
POWERED DESTRUCTION [XB1]
AUGMENTED DESTRUCTION
PHENDRIX MAGIC EVOLVED
YS SPELL TWEAKS
ENHANCED NIGH VISIIN SPELL TOME (XBOX1)
VAMPIRE SPELLS
[XO] VAMPIRIC DRAIN RANGE
BETTER VAMPIRIC DRAIN
PHENDRIX DEAD THRALL
GROUND DRAGON - DRAGONREND SPELL
LEVITATE SPELL - SKYRIM
DECAPITATION SPEL
WOOD'S SPARK OF DESTRUCTION
ONE HANDED MASTER SPELLCASTING SE
DRAGONBALL TRANSFORMATIONS PACK
DRAGONBALL SPELL PACK
[XO][VO]VAMPIRIC DRAIN DESTRUCTION NOVICE AND XP FIX
HOLY WARDS BY BANJO BUNNY
DRAKONS WARD ENCHANTMENT
BATTLE WARDS - WARD WHEN YOU BLOCK!
SKYLAND BITS AND BOBS - CLUTTER OVERHAUL
SKYLAND AIO
DAVES UFHD MOINTAINS
SMIM CHAIN MESHES ONLY
NORTHERN ROADS 1K
NORTHERN ROADS & BLENDED ROADS PATCH
DIVINE TEXTURE PACK - TREES
DIVINE FORESTS
DIVERGENCE - LUXURIANT 2 - PLANTS - PERFORMANCE
VEYDOSEBROM - GRASSES AND GROUNDCOVER - NORMAL VERSION
LANDSCAPE FIXES FOR GRASS MODS
NORTHERN ROADS & LANDSCAPE FIXES FOR GRASS MODS PATCH
JUST ICE - 1K
BETTER DYNAMIC SNOW V2.11(SMIM)
NORTHERN ROADS & BETTER DYNAMIC SNOW PATCH
IA92'S REALISTIC RAIN (XBOX1)
REALISTIC CLOUDS - IMMERSIVE EDITION
SUPREME AND VOLUMETRIC FOG [XB1]
SKYLAND ENCHANTING TABLES
DIVERGENCE - BLACKSMITH - 1K
DIVERGENCE - THE PHILOSOPHERS PROPERTY - SPELL TOMES - 512
RABBIT AND DEAD HANGING RABIT REPLACER WITH FEED RABITS
ANIMATED FORGE WATER ( NORMAL VERSION) BY WSKSKEEVER
NO SUNLIGHT THROUGHT MOUNTAINS
SPARKLING TORCHBUGS
NARUTO ULTIMATE OVERHAUL
CBBE (CURVY)
BETTER MALE PRESETS [XB1]
LOVERBOY DEFAULT 1K
(BLACK) EYEBROWS BY DDSWORKSHOP
SUPERIOR LORE FRIENDLY HAIR
NINETIETHTRAINS KS HAIR PICKS
AFT AE
REMOVE FOLLOWER LEVEL CAP
DIVERGENCE - VANILLA + CREATION CLUB - AIO - 1K-512
DIVERGENCE CUBE MAPS
BLACK AND GOLD EBONY ARMOR RETEXTURE (XB1)
BLACK AND GOLD EBONY WEAPOS (XB1)
COIN POUCH RETEXTURE - BLACK
LANDLORD [XB1]
WEARAVLE LANTERNS [XB1]
IMPROVED UNIQUE ARTIFACRS [XB1]
IMPROVED DAEDRIC ARTIFACRS [XB1]
EBONY BLADE USELESS NO MORE
DIVINE DAEDRIC DAWNBREAKER (RED GLOSSY WORDING)[XB1] BY LUPUS HEGEMONIA
IMPROVED DIVINE AMULET AND BLESSING
DIVERSE DIVIBE AMULET AND ENCHANMENTS
BLACK LEATHER SEATH - A LEATHER SEATH REPLACER
GENUINE GIANTS
DIVERGENCE - COMPENDUM OF BEATS - ANIMUCULI - 1K
LUMINOUS ATRONACHS
TOUGHER NAMED DRAGONS
ERSO ENHANCED MIGHTY DRAGONS - NIGHTMARE VERSIKN
GAME OF THRONES AND HOUSE OF THE DRAGON - VANILLA DRAGONS REPLACER - 1K -512
GOT HOTD - DIVERSE DRAGONS 512
[XB1] GOT HOTD - OPTIONAL FILE "BLOOD MESHES HIDDEN"
GOT HOTD - SKELETAL DRAGON AND UNDERSKIN 1K
[XB1] HOTD - GOT SKELETON EDIT VERSION 2 ( BIGGER HEAD)
[XB1] DRAGON ANIMATION REPLACE SE - WITH STANDING BREATH OPTION
HOTKEY CONTROLLR - UPDATED (BY DADDYMCHUGENUTS)
A QUALITY WORLD MAP - CLEAR MAP SKIES [XB1]
PASTEL MAP MARKERS [XB1]
SUMMER MYST - ENCHANTMENTS OF SKYRIM [XB1]
SUMMERMYST ENCHANTMENTS CHESTS
[PATCH] SUMMERMYST (ON BACK AND ON LEFT)
FORTIFY DESTRUCTION ENCHANTMENT
SUMMERMYST - LEVELED LIST FIXES
SUMMERMYST ENCHANTMENTS - GUARANTEED LOCATIONS
VAE3 - VISUAL ANIMATED ENCHANTS 2-023
VAE2SUMMERMYST PATCH
PARAPHERNALIA REALISTIC MAGIC (NO GRAVITY)
IMMERSIVE SPELL EFFECTS EMIT LIGHT
3D CASTING FX - FIRE AND FROST HAND FX REPLACER BY ARCTAL
VISUAL MASTER SPELLS
STRANGE RUNES LITE
REALISTIC AI DETECTION LITE [XB1]
IMMERSIVE RAGON SOUNDS -IDS- (ENIGMA REMASTER)
SAO- BATTLE MUSIC
SEKIRO SOULS SFX
AIRGETLAM -MODERN MAGIC SOUNDS REWORK-
LEVEL UP IN SILENCE
REALISTIC WEAPON PLACEMENT (CLOAD EDITION)
VISIBLE FAVORITED GEAR
SKYSA - OLIVER KENJUTSU
SEKIRO COMBAT S - WITH ENEMY COMBAT INTEGRATION
GDB ANIMATION PACK (EDGEMASTER-MAIN)
GDB ANIMATION PACK (VIKINGS)
GDB ANIMATION PACK (SEKIRO)
DYNAMIC COMBAT FOR SKYSA
SKYSA DUAL WIELD AND PARRYING SIMPLIFIED
CINEMATIC DRAGON SOUL ABSORPTION -(NO SCREAM/FLOATING ANIMATION)
NEW ANIMATION FOR MAGIC CASTING SSE
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (UNARMED)
SMOOTH JUMP ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (DUAL WIELD)
SMOOTH BOW SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH BLOCK ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (GREATSWORD)
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (WARHAMMEBATTLEAXE)
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (1H)
VIOLENS - A KILLMOVE MOD SE [XB1]
AMAZING RACE TWEAKS! NORD [XB1]
THE UNKNOWN
SUPER FAST GET UP ANIMATION
SNIPER - ADD DAMAGE BONUS
BNP WEREWOLF EYES - BLUE
ENEMY HEALTH INDICATORS
[XB1] SUPER SIMPLE LOCK BASH
REALISTIC CONVERSATIONS ( XB1 )
FAST TRAVEL TO CITIES FROM START[XB1]
INSTANT FAST TRAVEL
NO PLAYER FALL DAMAGE
NO STAGGER WHILE CASTING
DUALCAST REBALANCE [XBOX]
DRAGON SOULS TO ATTRIBUTES XB1
10 HEALTH PER LEVEL (XB1)
PERK POINTS AT SKILL LEVELS 50-75-100
PERK POINTS AND MORE GOLD FOR BOINTY QUESTS (XB1)
FAST BEAST PERKS XB1
50 PCT MORE PERK POINTS [XB1]
PERK POINT AWARDS
SKILL INCREASE STATS - UPDATE
QUEST AWARD PERK POINTS
[XB1] TRULY ABSORB DRAGON SOULS - HEAVY BY ADVENTURERX
VANILLA - MESSEGEBOX FIX
PICKPOCKET 100
ITEM SORTING
GRITTY PALADIN POTION
WARBIRDS DRASTIC DRAGON LOOT
MORE LOOS [XB1]
CIVIL WAR CHAMPIONS CLOAK FIX
ACTIKN BASED PROJECRILES + AE PATCHES
[XB1] PROPER AIMING
NORMAL MAGICA REGEN IN COMBAT
IMMORTAL DEAGONBORN
FAIR DRAUGIR SHOUTS
DRAGONS USE THUUM
DRAGKNS USE THUUM SHOUT REMOVER PATCH
Q DAY DRAGON RESPAWN
BIJIN AIO
BIJIN AIO & USSEP PATCH
ARVAK ENCHANCED [XB1]
MEEKO AND VIGILANCE ARE HUSKIES
WOLFES OF SKYRIM
DRAGONBORN CASTLE
TNF SKYRIM HOUSE REMODEL
[XB1] NO WORLD BORDERS
LESS INTERIOR FOG
DRAGONS FROM THE START
ELEMENTAL FURY FIX
DBZ TELEPORT
[XB1]UNLIMITED RINGS AND AMULETS
UNLIMITED SHOUTING (XB1)
UNLIMITED SUMMONS
ENLIMITED ENCHANTMENTS
ALL ARMOR LOOTABLE
NO HELMET REQUUIRED(XB1)
FASTER WEAPONS
FASTER GRATSWORDS:ANNIVERSARY EDITION (XBOX)
FATSER TWOHANDED WEAPONS AND WAR AXES AND MACES
[XB1] RING OF UNBLOCKING
HATS HELMETS HOODS AND HOODED ROBES WITB CIRCLETS
CLOAKS FACE MASKS AND ALL SPRTS 2 * FANS EDITION *
IMPROVED CLOSEFACED HELMETS
IMPROVED CLOSEFACED HELMETS - USSEP PATCG
IA92S ENCHANTING WITHOUT RESTRICTION (XBOX1)
FROST SLOW TWEAKS BY RAFEAR
DAKEN'S YUMMY DRAGON HEARTS
DRAGON SOULS HEAL YOU
POPPYLORS INI TWEAKS FOR SERIES X
TEMPER EBONY BLADESKYLAND LODS
[XB] GOT DRAGON MAON MENU REPLACER
LOOKS DONT CHANGE FOR A VAMPIRE
CHEAT ROOM (XB1)
CHEAT ROOM -ANNIVERSARY PATCH
MYTHICAL AGES (V1.10)
MINTYS LIGHTNING DURING STORMS
MYTHICAL AGES MINTY LIGHTING STORM PATCH
NO CAMERA FADE
REMOVE BLOOD FROM SCREEN
DISABLE SCREEN SHAKE EFFECT
NO TINT ABSORB XB1
NO RADIAL BLIR - PERFORMANCE OPTIMIZATION ( XB1 )
EMBERS XB BY MINDFLUX 1K
CC CAMPING - EMBERS XD PATCH
ANIMATED WATER FORGE (NORMAL VERSION) - EMBERS XD PATCH
EMBERS XD V 3.0.1-CC GOLDENHILLS PATCH
ALTERNATE START - LIVE ANOTHER LIFE
NORTHERN ROADS & ALTERNATE START PATCH
OPEN CITIES SKYRIM
NORTHERN ROADS & OPEN CITIES PATCH
REALISTIC WATER TWO BY ISOKU, SPARROWPRICE, &TECHANGEL185
REALISTIC WATER TWO & SAINTS AND SEDUCERS PATCH
NATURAL WATERFALLS
CUMULATIVE BLESSINGS
COLORED.MAGIC AURAS
2024.05.12 08:45 Immunimic Scammer threatening to leak my nudes to my followers and legal action
 | I live in Toronto and still relatively new and had this girl hmu, nothing abnormal just some regular combo at first, then proceeds to get kinda horny and shit asking if I wanna trade pics and stuff and I was kinda skeptical but gave into temptation and this happened. now I'm kinda concerned coz if she's being legit about "legal action" here it's gonna cause big trouble for me and can't really sleep because of it rn. ik I was naive as shit to fall for it but idk what to do now submitted by Immunimic to Scams [link] [comments] |
2024.05.11 22:01 ProfessorHawkinsJr hopeless love story
made this for my narrative essay in american literature, but one of my friends said i should share the story
“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.
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“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.
2024.05.11 06:58 FarmerRemote9850 YouTube ReVanced v19.16.36 MOD APK (Premium, No ADS)
 | https://preview.redd.it/nnzbjb54bqzc1.jpg?width=200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=78066e16db24be91173f22ee21d1381e13deacea submitted by FarmerRemote9850 to Modifiedmods [link] [comments]
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2024.05.10 20:12 RevenueZestyclose129 Terms of service violation after first campaign launch
Signed up, paid for a subscription, built a campaign, hit send, account locked.
All emails were acquired with legal means (self-submission and opt-in) on a website that has a visble TOS and GDPR compliance statement yet they still locked the account and their support is unresponsive. The content we sent isn't adult content, spam or sales. It's literally just a blog that has recommendations of music, books and things to do in London.
Meanwhile... I'm sitting here having paid for the account, whilst they deny me service, waiting for a decision on something that clearly doesn't violate the ToS.
Anyone been through and resolved this?
thx <3
EDIT: I sent a bunch of proof of compliance things to [compliance@mailchimp.com](mailto:compliance@mailchimp.com):
submitted by RevenueZestyclose129 to MailChimp [link] [comments]
All emails were acquired with legal means (self-submission and opt-in) on a website that has a visble TOS and GDPR compliance statement yet they still locked the account and their support is unresponsive. The content we sent isn't adult content, spam or sales. It's literally just a blog that has recommendations of music, books and things to do in London.
Meanwhile... I'm sitting here having paid for the account, whilst they deny me service, waiting for a decision on something that clearly doesn't violate the ToS.
Anyone been through and resolved this?
thx <3
EDIT: I sent a bunch of proof of compliance things to [compliance@mailchimp.com](mailto:compliance@mailchimp.com):
- Proof of recipient opt-in (a screen shot of the form on our website where users have to opt-in)
- Link to our GDPR statement and ToS
- Information about the content itself
- Our website and social media accounts
2024.05.10 16:42 thestylesreport Soundmap Beginner's Guide / FAQ
If you are new to the game or have questions about features and functions, check out this Beginner's guide/FAQ first. Last updated 5/15/2024: includes information on the new artist lootbox Quests introduced in version 1.22. See also my Full list of all artists with badges post for a listing of artists you can acquire a badge for in the game.
This is the first FAQ I've ever written for a game, although I have greatly benefitted from Reddit guides over the years. I'm not a developer (though I think they're doing a great job!) or gaming expert, just a fan of the game. Thanks to the subreddit's moderators for pinning this post and to the Soundmap community for contributing your knowledge and insights. Hope this helps!
u/TheStylesReport
Think of the standard edition as a demo. Reminds me of the shareware model from back-in-the-day (dating myself here). Premium unlocks so many features that make the game truly playable in the long run – expanded collection range, level, etc.
I’d say the lifetime license is a really good deal. (The cost ranges from $15-30 dollars/pounds/euros depending on your region and if you catch a sale). You’re supporting the developers’ hard work so that the game can continue to grow and prosper. And believe me, I’m normally a person that doesn’t pay for ANYTHING on the App Store, but the hours I’ve put in to this game made it worth it. I’ve been neglecting Tears of the Kingdom in favor of this.
You can also get premium if you invite 8 friends to join but I haven’t tested that functionality. I’ve heard mixed reports of it being bugged, but the game purports to have 4500+ users go premium via this route.
Shinies have their own drops (looks like a shiny mixed with a regular drop) but, if you’re lucky, can also be pulled from other common, uncommon and rare drops (this is very infrequent, however).
The developers initially created standalone epic drops but took them out of the game because of spoofing/cheating. As of now, the only way to pull an epic is from other drops, but they appear at an even lower probability than shinies.
• There are different album covers (ie the regular album edition vs a greatest hits version)
• There is a sped up or radio edited version
• The regular version, the shiny version and/or the epic version are all distinct versions and you can own all three
· Commons: 100 - 500 coins
· Uncommons: 300 - 1500 coins
· Rares: 500 – 3000 coins
· Common Shiny: 500 – 1500 coins
· Uncommon Shinies: 1000 – 10000 coins
If a track is really popular and/or new, expect to pay more (for example, the Kendrick/Drake beef tracks were at premium for a while).
Rare shinies and Epics are all over the place though, with people asking for literally a million+ for a #1 Kanye West epic. I don’t know if they get it but certainly 6 figure trades for the most popular shinies and epics are not out of the ordinary.
Hip-hop seems to be the most universally popular genre, with artists like Travis Scott and Playboi Carti fetching the highest trade prices. Female pop stars like Taylor, Lana, Billie, Olivia, etc. have selling power. K-Pop (StrayKids, NewJeans, BTS, etc.) are also very popular, but a bit more niche.
· Invite friends. Get 1000 coins for each person that signs up.
· Through trade by offering songs.
· Get your free daily drops.
· Converting unwanted songs to coins.
I’m usually free to play on everything (aside from buying the premium license) so I ended up doing the latter three to earn. You can really stock up with some good rares or a couple of lucky shiny or epic pulls.
Converting commons is a good way to earn some coin quickly in the early game, and your pull to earn ratio is usually pretty good, especially if you’re able to farm drops in your area. However, as you get more coins, try to keep and sell commons via trade instead as you’ll be able to earn some coins and get a common back in the process.
Try to avoid converting uncommons or rares whenever possible. Even if you offer them cheaply for a few hundred coins it’s better than burning them outright. Also, you never know what people might be interested in – one person’s trash truly is another’s treasure. Conversely you can get some really great songs that someone is just looking to be rid of.
Unfortunately, this is only one-way - it will hide those songs so you don't see them when you "Make A New Offer" for trade, but it does NOT hide the songs from people who visit your profile or keep them from offering things to you.
As a workaround, you can create "for trade" playlists and ask people to only look in there for things they'd like to trade for, but not everyone abides by that. Hopefully they fix this in a future update.
I would recommend setting one unique artist for each genre if you’re trying to accumulate. (I.e Taylor for pop, Kanye for hip-hop, SZA for R&B, etc). This can help with badge collection as you’ll see next.
· Bronze – 5 songs
· Silver – 20 songs
· Gold – 50 songs
· Platinum – entire discography (song count varies by artist)
· Diamond – entire discography plus 5 shiny songs
A full list of artists with badges can be found here on my other post about the topic. So far the badges themselves seem cosmetic but they are a great way to keep track of which artists are most popular (and thus fetch the highest trade prices).
~Daily Drop – free: You can select a free drop of the genre of your choice (or randomly). It resets everyday at midnight. Always pull this everyday. Most of the time it’s common, but I’ve pulled some really good uncommons and rares from this. And it’s free!
~Daily Free Coins – free: Self explanatory. Always pull this everyday. The reward gets larger and larger as your streak gets longer. For example, my next reward after 42 days of playing will be 1040 coins.
~Best of the Best – 2000: You can pick your genre here and it gives you a pull from a random popular artist in that genre. Note: "best" doesn't mean "rare" necessarily. I've pulled rares but other folks have pulled uncommons. Also, "popular" artist doesn’t necessarily mean badge artist, so be mindful.
~Super Rare – 1000: This is the absolute best drop for beginners aiming to build a collection for trading. As it says, you get a guaranteed rare, though it’s a blind drop (can’t pick genre). With 10,000 coins you can get 10 rares and in conjunction with stuff you collect around town that’s a great platform to start building from.
~Today’s Top Hits – 1000: If you love the most popular songs you can try your luck here. I just tried this to see what I’d get and I got a Taylor Swift rare. Most of the time you should get a rare but not sure if it’s guaranteed.
~RapCaviar – 1000: This is for the hip-hop fans. As it’s curated you’ll get a currently popular artist, but rarity is not guaranteed. I pulled an Uncommon Yeat most recently.
-New Music Friday - This is a new one offering new music that comes out on Fridays. I think it's free but it's a little bugged right now so more to come on that.
Quests will ask you to merge songs from different genre, rarity, and initial letters. Example quest requirements (but these can vary widely) are:
Quests are also easier for artists who don’t spawn in map drops.
Once you merge you get a cool animation that spins all the specific songs from that specific artist (reminds me of the Marvel Studios logo, but for music) and then lands on a common, uncommon or RARE song from that artist. You then get a new requirement if you want to unlock another lootbox from that artist.
This replaces the old Favorite Artist Drop lootbox in previous editions (used to cost 2000 coins). You can still open this with coins but now it costs 3000. Open the drop and instead of merging, go to the top right corner and you'll see the option to buy with coins.
I would recommend reserving this function for when you have built up a sizable discography, you’re trying to get artists that don’t seem to spawn from drops, and/or you're trying to go for Platinum. If you're bronze, silver, etc. you may find it more cost effective to trade for songs you need.
You can do as many quests as you want in a day.
How to earn XP:
· Common song: 20 XP
· Uncommon song: 50 XP
· Rare song: 100 XP
· Shiny song: 300 XP
· Epic song: 800 XP
· New drop visited: 20 XP
· New artist seen: 20 XP
· New person traded with: 20 XP
· Daily check in: 100 XP
However – the exp you gain in a week does have an impact on your league position.
Each user is assigned to a league that consists of 30 random participants of a common rank. Like the artists, there are Bronze/SilveGold/Platinum/Diamond Tiers. You advance (or maintain your rank) by earning XP. Top players in each tier get some coins. If you rank highly enough you get promoted, if you are too low, you get demoted to a previous rank.
Check out the in-game League FAQ for more info. (I tried to link it here but it keeps trying to post some huge goofy Notion ad alongside the link so I'll not do that).
There is no in-game messaging system (yet) so Discord is the platform you can use to communicate with other gamers to negotiate trades, advertise things you’re selling, contact the developers about desired features. The devs are active and you can often get very good insights from the help and announcement channels.
However, as with any social chat community there is always the danger of people getting toxic/abusive in the general rooms. Generally I stick to direct messages about trades, and everyone I’ve spoken to in DMs is nice and polite, but your own experience may vary.
If you click on the “chat” icon in app it will automatically invite you to the discord.
From what I’ve seen, the following things can get you banned:
· Location spoofing (using apps/tools to pretend you’re in a different place than you actually are)
· Scamming (trying to trick people into giving up high value tracks for nothing, etc.)
· Invite spoofing (using fake emails to sign up for multiple accounts and then using those to get free premium
If you think you’ve been falsely/mistakenly banned, send a help ticket and plead your case.
That's all I've got for now. Good luck and have fun! I hope both this subreddit and the Soundmap community grows and prospers.
submitted by thestylesreport to Soundmap [link] [comments]
This is the first FAQ I've ever written for a game, although I have greatly benefitted from Reddit guides over the years. I'm not a developer (though I think they're doing a great job!) or gaming expert, just a fan of the game. Thanks to the subreddit's moderators for pinning this post and to the Soundmap community for contributing your knowledge and insights. Hope this helps!
u/TheStylesReport
What is Soundmap?
Soundmap is a location-based mobile music collection game. Think Pokemon Go, but with songs. You collect the songs and then can trade them for other songs or “coins”, the in-game currency.What kind of device do I need to play this?
This is an iPhone only app for now. Dev notes that an Android version is coming in the summer sometime.Is Premium worth it?
Short answer: Yes. (if you intend to play the game long term)Think of the standard edition as a demo. Reminds me of the shareware model from back-in-the-day (dating myself here). Premium unlocks so many features that make the game truly playable in the long run – expanded collection range, level, etc.
I’d say the lifetime license is a really good deal. (The cost ranges from $15-30 dollars/pounds/euros depending on your region and if you catch a sale). You’re supporting the developers’ hard work so that the game can continue to grow and prosper. And believe me, I’m normally a person that doesn’t pay for ANYTHING on the App Store, but the hours I’ve put in to this game made it worth it. I’ve been neglecting Tears of the Kingdom in favor of this.
You can also get premium if you invite 8 friends to join but I haven’t tested that functionality. I’ve heard mixed reports of it being bugged, but the game purports to have 4500+ users go premium via this route.
What are song rarities?
Each song is labeled with an associated rarity under the artist and title.- Common
- Uncommon
- RARE
- Epic
Where are the best places to go to get songs/drops?
I don’t know how they determine where things drop but I'm guessing it’s some combination of cell phone signals and users who have the app installed. As such, places like open fields and parks are pretty sparse, but where I’ve found the most drops are:- College campuses
- Malls/shopping centers
- Tourist attractions
How can I tell if something is a rare, shiny, and/or epic on the map? Do they have their own drops?
Rares are easy to spot because they are darker and glowing, and they stand out against the yellow perimeter.Shinies have their own drops (looks like a shiny mixed with a regular drop) but, if you’re lucky, can also be pulled from other common, uncommon and rare drops (this is very infrequent, however).
The developers initially created standalone epic drops but took them out of the game because of spoofing/cheating. As of now, the only way to pull an epic is from other drops, but they appear at an even lower probability than shinies.
I was going to pick up a drop and it’s greyed out now. Did someone get to it first?
Yes. Drops are shared with other players so someone might have gotten to it first! On the discord people have complained that in popular areas people camp out to wait for the timers to reset and then pick up the drops right away. So if you’re in an area where you don’t see a lot of grey drops enjoy it while you can :-)Can you own multiple of the same song?
While the game doesn’t allow duplicates of the exact same song, you can have multiples in certain circumstances, such as:• There are different album covers (ie the regular album edition vs a greatest hits version)
• There is a sped up or radio edited version
• The regular version, the shiny version and/or the epic version are all distinct versions and you can own all three
What do the numbers on the epics mean?
The lower the number, the more valuable it is. #1 means it’s the first copy someone found from a drop. Think of it like collecting comic books or trading cards. Numbers over #25 just read #25+ and over #100 read 100+.How does the trade economy work? What is X worth? How much can I get for X?
The game’s trade economy generally follows basic rules of supply and demand with commons being worth the least, uncommons more, then rares. What’s “fair” is subjective but in my experience the general range has been this, hard-to-find artists being more:· Commons: 100 - 500 coins
· Uncommons: 300 - 1500 coins
· Rares: 500 – 3000 coins
· Common Shiny: 500 – 1500 coins
· Uncommon Shinies: 1000 – 10000 coins
If a track is really popular and/or new, expect to pay more (for example, the Kendrick/Drake beef tracks were at premium for a while).
Rare shinies and Epics are all over the place though, with people asking for literally a million+ for a #1 Kanye West epic. I don’t know if they get it but certainly 6 figure trades for the most popular shinies and epics are not out of the ordinary.
Hip-hop seems to be the most universally popular genre, with artists like Travis Scott and Playboi Carti fetching the highest trade prices. Female pop stars like Taylor, Lana, Billie, Olivia, etc. have selling power. K-Pop (StrayKids, NewJeans, BTS, etc.) are also very popular, but a bit more niche.
How do I earn coins?
· Buy via in-app purchases. This ranges from 2 bucks for 1000, to 100 bucks for 100,000.· Invite friends. Get 1000 coins for each person that signs up.
· Through trade by offering songs.
· Get your free daily drops.
· Converting unwanted songs to coins.
I’m usually free to play on everything (aside from buying the premium license) so I ended up doing the latter three to earn. You can really stock up with some good rares or a couple of lucky shiny or epic pulls.
Converting commons is a good way to earn some coin quickly in the early game, and your pull to earn ratio is usually pretty good, especially if you’re able to farm drops in your area. However, as you get more coins, try to keep and sell commons via trade instead as you’ll be able to earn some coins and get a common back in the process.
Try to avoid converting uncommons or rares whenever possible. Even if you offer them cheaply for a few hundred coins it’s better than burning them outright. Also, you never know what people might be interested in – one person’s trash truly is another’s treasure. Conversely you can get some really great songs that someone is just looking to be rid of.
How do I convert songs to coins?
Long press (hold down) on an individual song to convert to coins. If you hit the … next to “Your Collection” it will give you the option to “Select to Sell” and you can convert songs to coins in bulk.How do I offer coins in a trade?
When you “request to trade” you’ll see that there’s an “add coins” option. Click on that and add the desired amount of coins. If you are aiming to trade coins only, just use any throwaway common to facilitate the trade (no way to trade without using at least one song.)How do I hide songs I don't want to trade?
If you add songs to a playlist you can click on settings (cogwheel in top right) and switch "Available for trading" to "Hidden from trading".Unfortunately, this is only one-way - it will hide those songs so you don't see them when you "Make A New Offer" for trade, but it does NOT hide the songs from people who visit your profile or keep them from offering things to you.
As a workaround, you can create "for trade" playlists and ask people to only look in there for things they'd like to trade for, but not everyone abides by that. Hopefully they fix this in a future update.
What is the benefit of setting favorite artist(s)? Does it actually work?
The favorite artists does work to help you increase probability of picking up your favorites, moreso if the artist has a deep discography. I set Taylor Swift as a favorite and I picked up a bunch of her tracks. (I love classic hip-hop and R&B but I’m a Swiftie nonetheless lol). It does take time as the overall drop rate is still low even at 10x. The favorite artists you set also impact starting suggestions for quests (see Quests below).I would recommend setting one unique artist for each genre if you’re trying to accumulate. (I.e Taylor for pop, Kanye for hip-hop, SZA for R&B, etc). This can help with badge collection as you’ll see next.
What are artist badges and what are they used for?
When you collect a certain amount of songs by a particular artist, you earn a badge. This badge is a picture of the artists’ face (or a full body shot of the band), and you can designate a favorite artist badge to appear next to your username throughout the game. You can own multiple badges per artist. Badges are categorized as follows, depending on how many songs you collect:· Bronze – 5 songs
· Silver – 20 songs
· Gold – 50 songs
· Platinum – entire discography (song count varies by artist)
· Diamond – entire discography plus 5 shiny songs
A full list of artists with badges can be found here on my other post about the topic. So far the badges themselves seem cosmetic but they are a great way to keep track of which artists are most popular (and thus fetch the highest trade prices).
How do I know how many songs are in a specific artist’s discography?
After you collect the gold badge for an artist, the game will provide you with the count of the remaining songs to collect for a platinum. As far as I know this is the only way (and thus only works for badge artists).What are lootboxes and should I buy them?
Lootboxes are basically a way to purchase drops with coins. They can be very, very useful if used correctly and at the right phase(s) of the game.~Daily Drop – free: You can select a free drop of the genre of your choice (or randomly). It resets everyday at midnight. Always pull this everyday. Most of the time it’s common, but I’ve pulled some really good uncommons and rares from this. And it’s free!
~Daily Free Coins – free: Self explanatory. Always pull this everyday. The reward gets larger and larger as your streak gets longer. For example, my next reward after 42 days of playing will be 1040 coins.
~Best of the Best – 2000: You can pick your genre here and it gives you a pull from a random popular artist in that genre. Note: "best" doesn't mean "rare" necessarily. I've pulled rares but other folks have pulled uncommons. Also, "popular" artist doesn’t necessarily mean badge artist, so be mindful.
~Super Rare – 1000: This is the absolute best drop for beginners aiming to build a collection for trading. As it says, you get a guaranteed rare, though it’s a blind drop (can’t pick genre). With 10,000 coins you can get 10 rares and in conjunction with stuff you collect around town that’s a great platform to start building from.
~Today’s Top Hits – 1000: If you love the most popular songs you can try your luck here. I just tried this to see what I’d get and I got a Taylor Swift rare. Most of the time you should get a rare but not sure if it’s guaranteed.
~RapCaviar – 1000: This is for the hip-hop fans. As it’s curated you’ll get a currently popular artist, but rarity is not guaranteed. I pulled an Uncommon Yeat most recently.
-New Music Friday - This is a new one offering new music that comes out on Fridays. I think it's free but it's a little bugged right now so more to come on that.
What are Quests?
Quests are a feature added in 1.22 where you merge songs based on certain requirements in order to create artist-specific lootboxes. The Quest screen highlights artists you've designated in your favorites but you can click the search (hourglass) and create for any artist in the game.Quests will ask you to merge songs from different genre, rarity, and initial letters. Example quest requirements (but these can vary widely) are:
- Merge 28 songs
- Merge 7 songs with artist names beginning with the letter "M"
- Merge 11 uncommon Pop songs
Quests are also easier for artists who don’t spawn in map drops.
Once you merge you get a cool animation that spins all the specific songs from that specific artist (reminds me of the Marvel Studios logo, but for music) and then lands on a common, uncommon or RARE song from that artist. You then get a new requirement if you want to unlock another lootbox from that artist.
This replaces the old Favorite Artist Drop lootbox in previous editions (used to cost 2000 coins). You can still open this with coins but now it costs 3000. Open the drop and instead of merging, go to the top right corner and you'll see the option to buy with coins.
I would recommend reserving this function for when you have built up a sizable discography, you’re trying to get artists that don’t seem to spawn from drops, and/or you're trying to go for Platinum. If you're bronze, silver, etc. you may find it more cost effective to trade for songs you need.
You can do as many quests as you want in a day.
What is the point of exp and levels?
Every time you level up you get a 2000+ coin bonus (more at higher levels), which is a nice incentive to stay active. The higher your exp, the higher your worldwide rank, which so far looks to be just bragging rights. The higher your level, the more exp it takes to level up.How to earn XP:
· Common song: 20 XP
· Uncommon song: 50 XP
· Rare song: 100 XP
· Shiny song: 300 XP
· Epic song: 800 XP
· New drop visited: 20 XP
· New artist seen: 20 XP
· New person traded with: 20 XP
· Daily check in: 100 XP
However – the exp you gain in a week does have an impact on your league position.
What are leagues?
Leagues are another way to compete with other Soundmappers and earn a little bit of coins as well.Each user is assigned to a league that consists of 30 random participants of a common rank. Like the artists, there are Bronze/SilveGold/Platinum/Diamond Tiers. You advance (or maintain your rank) by earning XP. Top players in each tier get some coins. If you rank highly enough you get promoted, if you are too low, you get demoted to a previous rank.
Check out the in-game League FAQ for more info. (I tried to link it here but it keeps trying to post some huge goofy Notion ad alongside the link so I'll not do that).
What is Discord and why does everyone keep talking about it?
From Wikipedia: Discord is an instant messaging and VoIP social platform which allows communication through voice calls, video calls, text messaging, and media and files.There is no in-game messaging system (yet) so Discord is the platform you can use to communicate with other gamers to negotiate trades, advertise things you’re selling, contact the developers about desired features. The devs are active and you can often get very good insights from the help and announcement channels.
However, as with any social chat community there is always the danger of people getting toxic/abusive in the general rooms. Generally I stick to direct messages about trades, and everyone I’ve spoken to in DMs is nice and polite, but your own experience may vary.
If you click on the “chat” icon in app it will automatically invite you to the discord.
Why am I banned?
If you’re unlucky you’ll find yourself locked out of login with an error that your account has been banned. Generally, if you’ve violated the terms of service (we all read those, right?).From what I’ve seen, the following things can get you banned:
· Location spoofing (using apps/tools to pretend you’re in a different place than you actually are)
· Scamming (trying to trick people into giving up high value tracks for nothing, etc.)
· Invite spoofing (using fake emails to sign up for multiple accounts and then using those to get free premium
If you think you’ve been falsely/mistakenly banned, send a help ticket and plead your case.
Speaking of ban, how do I block people who are bothering me, spamming the trade channel, or who are throwing me terrible trades?
Hit the ... in the top right next to a username and Block and/or Report. Use this carefully as there is currently no option to unblock someone after you block them. Once they're gone, they're gone.That's all I've got for now. Good luck and have fun! I hope both this subreddit and the Soundmap community grows and prospers.
2024.05.09 21:03 TXRattlesnake89 Winning DNA
Danny in Billerica and Joe the Pizza Guy are in studio as Kirk announces that Beyond Average Mick will be back in studio next week. (07:00) The Kirk Minihane Show basketball team is shaping up. (16:30) Danny talks about his babysitter. (17:20) Joe pulled a scummy move with his new girlfriend. (24:10) Tony Massarotti thinks a Celtics title this year would not be fulfilling. (38:30) Steve Robinson is hosting WGAN in Maine this week. (39:40) The Maine Wire added music to their latest video. (42:35) Pat Bev apologized for his actions at the end of the Bucks series. (48:40) Danny's wife picked the Kentucky Derby winner. (50:10) Anne Hathaway wants the paparazzi to remain "calma." (01:02:30) Danny has a game that compares Coleman's basketball stats to those of players with special needs. (01:10:50) The producer of Brewster's Millions was caught trying to meet an underage girl. (01:15:00) Bill Simmons thinks WNBA teams should have simpler names. (01:19:15) Danny is unblocked from the show account. (01:26:10) Gus added his Venmo to Gaming with Gus. (01:32:10) Mut tries to call in repeatedly.
submitted by TXRattlesnake89 to kirkminihaneshow [link] [comments]
2024.05.09 18:37 Sad_Variation_6037 Running away from home after 30 years of emotional abuse
This is my first hand account as the youngest of 3 daughters, with a loving, hardworking mom but lazy, narcissistic dad with anger management issues. It's going to be a long story, basically my whole life story, because I feel that sharing some of my experiences growing up, may help bring more context to the situation I'm in today. I'm also a certified banana (non-Chinese speaking Chinese), and do identify as a ABC: American Born Chinese.
Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to go out from my house except for friends' birthday parties, and to go to school (obviously). My dad was a sales manager, and my mom ran a retail shop selling bags up till I was in secondary school, after which she stopped to be a full time housewife. Honestly, I don't even know how she juggled all the responsibilities while I was in primary school, because she did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and even took time to dress my sisters and me and help us with homework and studying, and spend time with us on weekends (which I now understand how precious weekends are as a working adult). Basically, my freedom was heavily restricted, and I learnt at a young age how to keep myself entertained and appreciate my own company (which did make me depressed sometimes to be honest, until I learnt to accept, appreciate, and love myself for me when I got much older).
My parents were always yelling when I was home from school, especially at night. I used to try to ignore it by focusing on studying, thinking that if I worked hard enough, I would be able to make a living on my own and things would be better then (yes, I was only in primary school when I thought these things). I recall now that I used to think that no one loved me, that I was so much younger than my sisters (8 years from the oldest, and 6 years from the second) because I was an accident and unwanted. I was a naughty child, used to run around the house and draw on the table legs with color pencils. My mom used to cane me to discipline me when I misbehaved, but I still loved her. Looking back, I realise I honestly have a lot to thank her for - that it does feel like she single-handedly raised me and my sisters.
I was never given any allowance, never bought any new toys or clothes or shoes, because everything I needed would be handed down from my sisters. I would resent this for most of my childhood of course, until I got old enough to understand this was to be frugal. But looking back, it went deeper than that - my mom wasn't really able to spend money without my dad's consent. So everything went through him - and he would never allow us to spend money unless it was really a necessity, or unless it was something HE wanted. And what he was most interested in at the time I was growing up, was tech stuff. TVs, surround sound speakers with subwoofers, iMacs and all. Now this, he would spend money on. But my mom, I don't recall seeing her buy things for herself much to be honest. He did buy us a lot of pirated computer games - but usually he'd try to pick something that was more educational - and I think he only did it because he was buying pirated VCDs anyway.
Side question: How common is it to get your first handphone at 18yo (Nokia, the model you could drop from the roof and still would work), if you were born in the 1990s? I feel like it was definitely earlier than my older sisters, but the reason for this is because I was selected for National Service, and my parents wanted to stay in contact with me so they got me a handphone (which ironically was confiscated at the camp and only returned to you on weekends, and signal at my camp was almost non-existent). I feel like in comparison with many of my friends, I was super late in getting a handphone and had a lot to make up for to catch up in understanding.
Fast-forwarding to secondary school - my dad would usually always be angry about something at home. Maybe he woke up late for work and blamed my mom for it. Maybe I didn't get good enough grades - even if I got 100, he'd somehow always find a way to say that I could have gotten higher (yes I know that sounds stupid but he honestly used to say these things, because I would almost consistently get 100 for English and Maths - yes I am a nerd). Or maybe it would just be the way we answered his questions. He has this pattern where if he asked you a question, and he didn't like your answer, he'd pretend he didn't hear it, and ask you again, almost in the exact same phrasing he did the first time. And he'd do it again. And again. And eventually when you run out of patience and answer him shortly, he'd burst out in anger, with his default phrase: "You don't know how to talk to people.". "You talk nicer to strangers, better than your own father.". For a long time, hearing these words being repeatedly yelled, screamed at you, by a loud, angry, male voice, did two things to me. One, I used to almost believe that I didn't know how to talk to people, that I WAS the problem, and not him. Two, till today, hearing raised male voices still scares and distresses me, I get nervous and really tense - which doesn't help because that's how Hokkien and Hakka sounds to me when people are just saying hello! (yea it doesn't sound like anything to me because I'm a banana).
I recall a time on a weekend, when I had woken up early to watch morning cartoons, and my dad was angry about something - my sister had been busy applying for university, and I think he didn't like that she didn't want to be a medical doctor - she was more interested in math or vet sciences. He had been yelling at her, and then proceeded to walk over to where I was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, stand over in front of me, bend down, and scream at my face saying "get out, get out of this house now!" - I swear I saw spit fly when he yelled at me. I was so afraid, so freaked out, that I later asked my mom if she thought one of the nice aunties from church would take me in if he really kicked me out.
How did I survive all this? I didn't even realise I was doing it, but I would try to spend as much free time as I could with friends - we'd talk on the phone for HOURS after school (mind you this was before we had cordless landline phones, so I would sit at the stairs, with my ear glued to the phone), and when I finally got to Form 6, I'd hang out after school with friends with cars, to malls, to the movies, to lunch, and my mom would sneak me some spare cash from her groceries budget so I could have a good time with friends. I had some really good friends that would sponsor me food/snacks too, whom I'll forever be indebted to, because no matter how cheap it was back then, it was still their allowance they were spending on a friend that couldn't pay them back.
Around this time, my dad lost his job - the management had changed, but if I recall how he was about his job, I don't think he was meeting his work KPIs as a sales manager either to be honest - and he was sacked. He fought it in court, and won money from it. This will become significant later on, but let's move on first.
Fast-forward to my turn to enter university, and I couldn't get in to medicine. I had tried, believe me - thinking that I liked biology enough, and that if I didn't, I could learn to love it - that my dad would love me more and treat me better if I did what he wanted, and go into medicine. But I couldn't make it - no scholarships wouldn't take me with my STPM 3.75 CGPA, not even for dentistry, because the competition was too tough with limited placements. I recall, my dad had opened a Maybank Yippie account under my name, and he applied to earn the rewards the bank offered for getting certain grades from PMR, SPM and STPM. When we got it, it went promptly into his own bank account under the justification that I didn't have my own bank account and he'd keep it for me until I did. Bro, you were controlling my Yippie account, and you had to close it once I finished STPM. You could have just opened an account immediately after that for me, but you didn't. That makes no sense, but ok, take it if that makes you happy.
I recall when I was applying to university through the UPU platform, I asked him for his advice, and he yelled at me to figure it out on my own. I wasn't sure what I could do honestly, because the whole time in secondary school, I only knew that he wanted me to go into medicine - I had no other frame of reference. My mom asked around among the neighbors, and found out that engineering was also a good field, and I did enjoy physics a lot more than biology, so I went into that. And my dad? Never did he once check on me - on what I was applying for, about school fees, nothing. My mom suggested I apply for PTPTN, that if I graduated with first class honors, I could convert it into a full scholarship, so I did that after exhausting all the other available scholarship options.
I think it was only in 2nd year of university that he found out I took Biomedical Engineering, and then he took an interest because there was some correlation to medicine - more on rehab science, but hey, I was taking classes in the attached hospital, so he was interested. Then he started to "show off" to relatives whenever they asked about it during CNY gatherings.
Anyway I think I've completely lost focus, so I'm gonna fast-forward. Today, I'm working a stable full-time job at a company I love working at - the people here are great and so supportive, and most of my social circle is from here today, with the exception of some close school friends I still keep in contact with.
Full lockdown in MCO was super tough for me. Being at home with my dad's constant yelling and anger issues, I seriously considered many times once lockdown was lifted, about moving out. I mentioned it to my mom, but she would always advise me not to, that it was too much financial strain on me and it wasn't safe to live by myself (you know, single girl, alone). Eventually, I realised, with lockdown lifted, I could escape our home, by going to the office. So I did. And I realised, that my mom was the more pitiful one because she couldn't escape as a full time housewife because my dad would restrict her freedom too - both inside and outside of the house. And for some reason, she accepted it. She clearly wasn't happy about it, but whenever I'd complain about my issues at home with her, her advice would be to not let it affect me and go out when I could. Honestly, I always wanted to ask her why she didn't just divorce my dad, but I was always too afraid to ask. So I let it be.
There were times when work was stressful, and because I had made work my escape from home, it was a toxic cycle for me, so much so that I had a few mental breakdowns at work, and did consider ending my life. But I got through it eventually after seeking counseling and talking to friends about my issues.
Have I mentioned my dad is a hoarder? He still has old VCRs of shows recorded from laser discs and satellite TV which we haven't touched in 20+ years, and probably will never use again. He still has an old Amiga computer in the storeroom that he never intends to set up, and also doesn't intend to sell - he just doesn't want to throw it away. Old pill boxes, old batteries - he insists to keep because he thinks he'll either need them again, or be able to use them somehow. Basically, the old house is so full of his junk that he's collected since I was young, that there's no space for the rest of us to really live. We're just, guests in his house, that have beds, places to put our clothes, and have to cook, clean, grocery shop, and pay for all the utilities, his car insurance, medical insurance, house insurance, and also give him an allowance. He complains about our cleaning too, even though he wouldn't ever clean himself. I found out from my sisters recently that he actually did complain about us not paying rent some time back, and this was AFTER they were already giving him a generous allowance every month (I had only just finished uni or started working? so they didn't tell me this). And he would continue to complain about this even after we started to pay for utilities and groceries. So eventually, they stopped giving him an allowance.
Another incident I want to share is about the family car. So we used to have a really old Proton Wira that we used as the family car since I was in primary school. About 20 years later, we still used it and it was the only available car I could take to drive to work. It wasn't very well maintained, but it got you from A to B, so for my first car, I wasn't complaining. Until, the gearbox started to have problems. I would send it to service many times, change the gearbox many times, and still, the gears would slip while driving - could be on a flat road while accelerating, and what especially worried me was when I was going up ramps or slopes, like when exiting basement parking, I had to have my hand on the handbrake at all times incase I started to fall backwards because I wasn't sure I could switch from accelerator to brake pedal quick enough. I told my dad about it every time, but he would just tell me off, saying I wasn't driving properly, and that there was nothing wrong with the car. I endured it for a couple years, until finally one day, I realised just how dangerous it was when I was leaving the parking with cars behind me, and I DID have to use pull the handbrake. So one day, I had enough, and I bought myself my own car with my own money. And guess what? When I went back home with it, what did my dad do? He yelled at me. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, he was 15. And then he yelled at my cousin who helped me to buy the car. He wasn't upset that I had gotten one without his consent, or that maybe I hadn't gotten the best deal on the car, no nothing like that. He was only upset, because I had spent my own money on myself, and that he insisted the old family car was perfectly fine. Well guess what? Eventually, he gave up on the car too, and asked *cough*forced*cough my cousin to buy it off from him, and apparently en route to the shop on the highway, the car broke down and had to be towed. And my dad never said a THING about it, ever. Makes me so mad just thinking about how selfish and irresponsible he was being, and how lucky I was that I had decided to get a car on my own. He was only curious about one thing - he asked me if I had gotten a bank loan for the car. I told him I borrowed money from my boss - when actually I had gotten a loan from my sister.
We're getting closer to present day, bear with me.
Last month, my house was being painted, with some other fixes being done like changing the roof gutters and house gate which were severely rusted over the 30+ years we lived in the house, never having been maintained ever since we moved in. It was actually my oldest sister's idea, being the "bread-winner" ever since my dad entered "forced retirement". She felt like it was a nice gesture and she had saved money to do it. She let my dad to pick the contractor so he'd be satisfied with the quality of the work, and that's when all hell broke loose.
From the day we agreed to the quotation (which was a really hefty sum), my dad wasn't happy about anything. He was always criticising the price, the quality of the materials, the workmanship of the painter and workmen, and even nitpicked that the contractor had "daddy issues". Funnily enough, it's my dad that has "daddy issues" himself because he likes to play the victim card after all these years saying that his father abandoning his family when he was young screwed him up. I'm sorry he went through that, but seriously, you're doing well now, and you're 66 fucking years old, could you grow up? Sorry, I digress. Honestly, my dad would just find ANYTHING to complain about, and he'd be angry and loud about it. Worse one I think was when he kept having the idea that the contractor should throw in some freebies for him, like hey, could you also paint this window for me, or fix this door for me, for free. Like as if materials are free and workmanship doesn't cost time and effort? I swear it's almost as if he's never worked a hard day's work in his life... Which I find contradicting considering how stingy he is with money...
The painting and house fixes took around 3 weeks in total - including power washing all the old paint off the walls, putting a few coats of primer, painting, and all the metal work. Also considering this was during puasa which was tough for the workers, and the weather was blistering hot in the afternoon and then heavy rain in the evenings. Through the whole thing, my sisters and I were busy at work, so who was left to manage at home were my parents. Or rather I should say, my mom. Because all my dad did, from day 1, is yell at the contractor. Saying he's not doing a good job, that he's so calculative because he wouldn't throw in some freebies like painting the window when we didn't ask for it in the quotation, or changing the color when he didn't like it, etc etc. Lies, they were all lies. The contractor knew exactly what he was doing, and it was really good work. We were all really happy with it. So my mom had to be peacemaker, try to calm down my dad, and apologize to the contractor on the side. Which is exhausting, because my dad was literally yelling in his face all the time! And he would eventually take it out on my mom because obviously it was no secret she was defending the contractor. I'm honestly super shocked he would act this way to a stranger. All my life he's always been so careful to only show his nasty side to us at home, and be charming outside to strangers. I guess being the "customer" went to his head?
All this took a really heavy toll on my mom. She's 64yo, and it was stressing her out so much to have my dad throwing his temper around all the time. If he didn't get his way with the contractor, he'd take it out on her. When I was home on weekends or before going to work in the mornings, she'd tell me how things were going, and they were just getting from bad to worse. She was getting more and more frail, more tired, losing her appetite, and not being able to sleep too.
Around 1-2 weeks in, realising things were getting way way out of control (who am I kidding, when was anything in my life with my dad ever in control? lol) - more importantly, my mom was suffering horribly from it - I reminded her that I considered a few times before about moving out. And that in the end, I decided not to only because she advised me not to. That I could escape to my office, but she couldn't, and that with my working hours and escapism, I hardly spent any time at home except to sleep (sometimes even choosing to shower at the office). So what was the point if she wasn't going to move out with me? So I stayed. But I told her this time, forget about financial worries, about anything else - and consider if she needs to get out of this situation. It's not worth being stuck in this at the cost of her own mental well being. I told her all this, to know these are options she could consider for herself, and left it at that. A couple days later, I went for an overseas trip with friends, and honestly, didn't think much of it.
A week later, I came back, and things felt the same. The painting was done, the gate was being installed, and the end of the hell seemed to be really close, like 1-2 days before everything would be completed. Another week later, I'm having lunch with my sisters and mom at home (dad not there because he had the habit of sleeping till 2pm ever since he "retired"). And I did NOT expect them to tell me they had all decided to move out, to leave my dad.
I was surprised, happy (like really happy), and also confused. So they explained that the turning point had come during the week that I was away, my dad's temper had gotten so bad, that he had almost hit my mom when he was yelling at her and the contractor outside the house. Luckily the contractor stepped in to stop him, and he snapped out of it, but it was enough to make my mom realise that after all these years, he is really never going to change, and that he could one day hurt her when no one else was around. Apparently, there were times before that she had mentioned his attitude & anger problems to him and threatened to leave him, and he promised to change, but then he would quickly forget it and go back to his usual ways. And other times, when he couldn't get the response he wanted from her, he would take it out on my sisters and I by yelling at us. She would always tell me when I was growing up that people don't change unless they want to, and don't ever get into a relationship with a guy thinking I can fix or change him. Funny that she would give me that advice, but herself still be hoping for my dad to change.
So, after telling them I fully supported the idea (basically I said I had been waiting a long time for them to decide to move out lols), we started looking for places to rent. And this is where I really have to thank God, because everything just fell into place. I mean there were some hiccups along the way, but within 2 weeks we managed to find a great place to move to within our rental budget with an awesome landlord. Then my dad announced he was going on an overseas trip around the time we would get the keys to move in. Honestly, we had considered trying to pack everything while he was sleeping and moving it under his nose, or considering the possibility of asking the police for help to move out in case my dad tried to stop us physically. But none of that had to happen, because he went for a trip, and we had basically a week to pack and move out. And with the help of many friends, we did it. We moved out, for the first time after 30+ years (40 for my mom).
Living apart from my dad, able to control our own lives and living space... We have never been happier as a family. I don't have my own room, I still share with my sister, but it honestly doesn't matter, because we can wake up every morning without worrying about the next temper tantrum or yelling match, or accidentally upsetting my dad about anything. It's so peaceful, and I look forward to going home after work now, rather than staying longer at the office. I no longer have to live under constant threat of being blamed from something wrong in the house. Yes, this is also something my dad does a lot, blame all of us for things getting spoiled in the house, even if it's obviously from wear and tear over the years. Like, the air-conditioner leaking, he would say was because we were folding clothes in the room which created a lot of fluff and clogged up air vents causing it to leak. Or, a power bank not working so well anymore, according to him was because I used it wrongly, and not because the charge just doesn't hold so well after degrading over the years.
The simplest things - being able to have a desk to work at when I want to work from home or play computer games, and having a cabinet in the kitchen to put my coffee gear instead of having to always wash, dry, and pack them up into paper bags. Or something even simpler - being able to accidentally leave a light on in a room and not be scolded for it like I had just killed someone... These are joys I get to experience now because we no longer live under the control of my dad.
Now, it's been 2 weeks since my dad returned from his trip to find an empty house (we only took our stuff, his stuff is still all there), and a letter explaining we had moved out because we couldn't stand to stay there anymore, and not to contact us because we need our space. He tried calling us but frankly, I think we were all either afraid to pick up just to be yelled at, or just not willing to be subjected to his manipulation anymore after experiencing peace of mind without him, so none of us picked up. He tried texting the family group then, and it surprised me he didn't act angry, but rather said he was shocked and expected to be able to live the rest of his life with us, that we would take care of him in his old age, that we should have pity on him because he's not young and came back unwell from his trip, that he had to sleep on the floor at the airport in Dubai. He said he wanted another chance to improve on his 'flaws', saying he loves us and would never do anything to hurt us, asking my mom to come back, that he knows he made a lot of mistakes, but that he's always lived his life for the benefit of us. Then, he asks us to continue paying for the utilities. Followed by saying "he knows we don't talk about it, but he never recovered from the suffering he endured at church" - which is total bullshit by the way, because he never suffered at church... what happens is what he always does - he alienates people or doesn't like it when people do things differently from him, and is super sensitive when people don't compliment or praise him for his works. So what he does eventually, is he leaves that church, and then finds another one. Anyway, he then continues in his messages with even more sappy words like he misses us, he's so lost without us, when he wakes up he's so full of fear, that that's why he's so unhappy and angry all the time, he needs us, that he's never had to be independent all his life, he's not eating well, not sleeping well, don't block him, please just let him meet us one more time, just let him hear our voices, just to say hello... OMG I wanna puke just reading all this... So much of it is so cringe, like he's NEVER spoken like that to us ever, and in the middle of it asks for money? And for the past, I don't know, 15 years at least, he's either always yelling at us that we don't know how to talk to people properly, or that we shouldn't talk to him. And now, he says he misses our voices? GAG.
Then this week... he pays me a visit to my office. Shows up at lunch time, and asks to see me. It was a really big shock to see him just standing there, smiling at me like as if I should be happy to see him? Honestly, I did expect it to happen, because my office is the nearest to his house, and probably the easiest to get to compared to my sisters' workplaces. But still, thinking it and seeing it were two different things, and I was just praying that he wouldn't be desperate enough to really do it and that I was just being paranoid. So seeing him in my office, I was instantly on edge, thinking he was going to make a scene at my office, and asked some colleagues to help keep an eye out for me while I went to talk to him. And he basically repeated the same things he's been sending in text to me. He started crying, and trying to show me how frail he was because he wasn't eating well, said he hoped I could take him out for a meal, saying he's only been eating all the leftovers - which honestly, is kind of suspicious because we didn't have that many leftovers to begin with, and we had purposely restocked the house with bread, biscuits, tuna which we knew he knew how to eat on his own - so maybe he was referring to that... Said he was worried about his finances, that his eyesight wasn't good, his knees weren't good, how was he going to clean the house on his own. Then he tries to change the topic for some reason, by saying he was surprised he was allowed into the office building and that the guard had given him some package to bring up as well when he said he was coming to my floor... It was weird and creepy and gave me a really unsettled, disturbed feeling throughout the whole experience. I was so tense and nervous that I couldn't bear to talk to him without crossing my arms in front of me the whole time. And I kept explaining to him, that there was no point in him trying to justify and explain himself to me - that it all just sounded like excuses to me, that 30 years of doing the same damn thing over and over to us was enough and that we were never ever going back to his house, whether it was to visit or moving back in - none of that was going to happen. But with his constant crying and pleading, I did start to feel really sorry for him.
I mean, even in the week when we were moving out, I felt guilty about it, knowing he wasn't going to be happy and was going to have a hard time once we left him. But the alternative was to do nothing about our situation, which wasn't a viable option either. Continuing to live with him was basically just saying, this is it, this is our lives, we're going to die with this being the extent of our lives. And I was NOT going to let that happen. My mom did NOT deserve to die in that house with that tyrant controlling every aspect of her life, sucking the joy and energy from her like a leech, like a freaking Dementor from Harry Potter. But anyway, yea, his pleading got to me, I did pity him and felt sorry for him, so I told him, please leave, I'll unblock him on my phone so he can call and message me, but I won't promise anything else except to pass on what he has said to my sisters and mom. He kept saying please, he can't wait too long, please just come to the house to talk to him, he needs us, etc. Took me a few times to convince him he's not going to get anything else out of me and eventually he left.
I was so on edge after that, I realised my hands were cold and shaking, and I didn't have much appetite for lunch by then. Thankfully I have many caring and supportive colleague who knew about the situation and they helped talk to me about it and it calmed me down. I talked to my sisters and mom that night after work, and they shared with me some of their experiences that I wasn't aware of from when I was a baby or when I wasn't at home. Which made me realise... he may have been trying to manipulate me earlier. Apparently, he has on several occasions, told my mom he regretted marrying her, that he would have been better off letting his mom to find him a wife instead. He had told my sister (the middle child) that he regretted having us as children. Told her to get out of the house too. And always told us that he had lots of money, that money was no object, whenever we told him we didn't want to spend on something he was asking for because we couldn't afford it. Which is conflicting isn't it, because if YOU have the money, then why not buy it yourself instead of trying to convince us to buy it for you? My sister had also asked him before why he was so angry, why he was yelling, and he would respond that he wasn't angry and that he was just like that, and he wouldn't change. I think the one story that really hit me though, was when my oldest sister said, she remembered when she was younger, maybe around kindergarten or primary school - she was holding me as a baby, and I was crying, and she was trying to comfort me. And my dad was playing really loud music at the time, and mom was busy with house chores, and she said she just remembered feeling like something wasn't right, and thinking why was it like this. It hit me then... that this had been going on for YEARS, like from before I was born, probably from the moment my mom had married him, and everything he had been saying were lies. Maybe he meant some of it, because he knew now that we weren't afraid to leave, that we could and would and did leave, that for that he was probably sorry for yelling at us. That all his threats to tell us to get out, while he probably thought would give him control over us at the time, had eventually now come back to bite him in the ass now that we were older and didn't depend on him anymore.
So, today, at this moment, I am sitting at my new desk, in my nice new home, writing this out because, my logical brain KNOWS that we have done the right thing. That my dad, the whole situation with him and how he treats the people around him, his entire behavior, is a classic red flag, textbook case. But despite knowing this, in my heart, in my emotional brain, I feel bad about it. Not enough to want to reach out to him and respond to his requests. But enough that I feel guilt when I'm happy about our new life, like I shouldn't feel this great when he's feeling bad. That my happiness now has come as his expense now. And yes, although I have been angry at him enough to wish him dead many many times over in the past, I think my compassion somehow makes me feel like it's not right to inflict suffering on others for my own sake. But logically, am I really "inflicting" suffering on him? Is it my fault he doesn't know how to be happy with his own life? Just because I was born as his child, doesn't mean I owe him anything, that I'm responsible to make him feel good, does it? Yes, I'm Asian, and Christian, and both of these teach us to respect our elders and take care of our parents. But it can't be at the expense of my own happiness and emotional well-being.
I don't know if I'll ever get into a relationship with someone. I'm 31 years old this year, and I have never been in a romantic relationship. I've had crushes, gone out a couple times for movies or meals, but it's never gone beyond just being casual acquaintances or friends. And I have zero interest in putting myself out there on online dating platforms, or going out to meet new people for the purpose of finding someone. I don't know if it's because of my experience with my dad, that deep down I'm so traumatised that I don't even want to consider putting myself in a situation that could become how it was with my mom and dad. I've seen other people have healthy marriages with loving family bonds, where the father is useful, caring, stable, dependable, and supportive. But I think I'm really afraid that I'm that person that attracts the wrong sort, you know? There's a saying right? That you marry men who are like our fathers? Yes, good relationships exist, but they're what other people get, and since I'm not a good judge of character and easily gullible, it can't possibly happen for me. And while thinking that does make me sad, I also know that maybe it's just better to stay single, so that I'll never be hurt again. Like, the risk isn't worth the potential reward.
Anyway, I hope someone does read this in the entirety, and lets me know what they think about the whole situation that is my life, and also especially my current situation. If there's any advice you could share with me, do you think I'm being too harsh? I do get triggered by my message tones, call tones, and even the office door bell these days, because every time, I'm just reminded that my dad is trying to plead with us to come back, and I'm just so tired of his manipulation and gaslighting and general emotional abuse. And I feel like this is probably more common than I think, and if you can relate to this while you're reading it, I hope you find the courage get out of the bad situation you're in and find your happiness too. If you're in a similar situation, although I have guilty feelings about it, I know it's important to take care of your own well-being, and I hope this helps you to know that you're not alone.
submitted by Sad_Variation_6037 to redflagsTA [link] [comments]
Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to go out from my house except for friends' birthday parties, and to go to school (obviously). My dad was a sales manager, and my mom ran a retail shop selling bags up till I was in secondary school, after which she stopped to be a full time housewife. Honestly, I don't even know how she juggled all the responsibilities while I was in primary school, because she did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and even took time to dress my sisters and me and help us with homework and studying, and spend time with us on weekends (which I now understand how precious weekends are as a working adult). Basically, my freedom was heavily restricted, and I learnt at a young age how to keep myself entertained and appreciate my own company (which did make me depressed sometimes to be honest, until I learnt to accept, appreciate, and love myself for me when I got much older).
My parents were always yelling when I was home from school, especially at night. I used to try to ignore it by focusing on studying, thinking that if I worked hard enough, I would be able to make a living on my own and things would be better then (yes, I was only in primary school when I thought these things). I recall now that I used to think that no one loved me, that I was so much younger than my sisters (8 years from the oldest, and 6 years from the second) because I was an accident and unwanted. I was a naughty child, used to run around the house and draw on the table legs with color pencils. My mom used to cane me to discipline me when I misbehaved, but I still loved her. Looking back, I realise I honestly have a lot to thank her for - that it does feel like she single-handedly raised me and my sisters.
I was never given any allowance, never bought any new toys or clothes or shoes, because everything I needed would be handed down from my sisters. I would resent this for most of my childhood of course, until I got old enough to understand this was to be frugal. But looking back, it went deeper than that - my mom wasn't really able to spend money without my dad's consent. So everything went through him - and he would never allow us to spend money unless it was really a necessity, or unless it was something HE wanted. And what he was most interested in at the time I was growing up, was tech stuff. TVs, surround sound speakers with subwoofers, iMacs and all. Now this, he would spend money on. But my mom, I don't recall seeing her buy things for herself much to be honest. He did buy us a lot of pirated computer games - but usually he'd try to pick something that was more educational - and I think he only did it because he was buying pirated VCDs anyway.
Side question: How common is it to get your first handphone at 18yo (Nokia, the model you could drop from the roof and still would work), if you were born in the 1990s? I feel like it was definitely earlier than my older sisters, but the reason for this is because I was selected for National Service, and my parents wanted to stay in contact with me so they got me a handphone (which ironically was confiscated at the camp and only returned to you on weekends, and signal at my camp was almost non-existent). I feel like in comparison with many of my friends, I was super late in getting a handphone and had a lot to make up for to catch up in understanding.
Fast-forwarding to secondary school - my dad would usually always be angry about something at home. Maybe he woke up late for work and blamed my mom for it. Maybe I didn't get good enough grades - even if I got 100, he'd somehow always find a way to say that I could have gotten higher (yes I know that sounds stupid but he honestly used to say these things, because I would almost consistently get 100 for English and Maths - yes I am a nerd). Or maybe it would just be the way we answered his questions. He has this pattern where if he asked you a question, and he didn't like your answer, he'd pretend he didn't hear it, and ask you again, almost in the exact same phrasing he did the first time. And he'd do it again. And again. And eventually when you run out of patience and answer him shortly, he'd burst out in anger, with his default phrase: "You don't know how to talk to people.". "You talk nicer to strangers, better than your own father.". For a long time, hearing these words being repeatedly yelled, screamed at you, by a loud, angry, male voice, did two things to me. One, I used to almost believe that I didn't know how to talk to people, that I WAS the problem, and not him. Two, till today, hearing raised male voices still scares and distresses me, I get nervous and really tense - which doesn't help because that's how Hokkien and Hakka sounds to me when people are just saying hello! (yea it doesn't sound like anything to me because I'm a banana).
I recall a time on a weekend, when I had woken up early to watch morning cartoons, and my dad was angry about something - my sister had been busy applying for university, and I think he didn't like that she didn't want to be a medical doctor - she was more interested in math or vet sciences. He had been yelling at her, and then proceeded to walk over to where I was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, stand over in front of me, bend down, and scream at my face saying "get out, get out of this house now!" - I swear I saw spit fly when he yelled at me. I was so afraid, so freaked out, that I later asked my mom if she thought one of the nice aunties from church would take me in if he really kicked me out.
How did I survive all this? I didn't even realise I was doing it, but I would try to spend as much free time as I could with friends - we'd talk on the phone for HOURS after school (mind you this was before we had cordless landline phones, so I would sit at the stairs, with my ear glued to the phone), and when I finally got to Form 6, I'd hang out after school with friends with cars, to malls, to the movies, to lunch, and my mom would sneak me some spare cash from her groceries budget so I could have a good time with friends. I had some really good friends that would sponsor me food/snacks too, whom I'll forever be indebted to, because no matter how cheap it was back then, it was still their allowance they were spending on a friend that couldn't pay them back.
Around this time, my dad lost his job - the management had changed, but if I recall how he was about his job, I don't think he was meeting his work KPIs as a sales manager either to be honest - and he was sacked. He fought it in court, and won money from it. This will become significant later on, but let's move on first.
Fast-forward to my turn to enter university, and I couldn't get in to medicine. I had tried, believe me - thinking that I liked biology enough, and that if I didn't, I could learn to love it - that my dad would love me more and treat me better if I did what he wanted, and go into medicine. But I couldn't make it - no scholarships wouldn't take me with my STPM 3.75 CGPA, not even for dentistry, because the competition was too tough with limited placements. I recall, my dad had opened a Maybank Yippie account under my name, and he applied to earn the rewards the bank offered for getting certain grades from PMR, SPM and STPM. When we got it, it went promptly into his own bank account under the justification that I didn't have my own bank account and he'd keep it for me until I did. Bro, you were controlling my Yippie account, and you had to close it once I finished STPM. You could have just opened an account immediately after that for me, but you didn't. That makes no sense, but ok, take it if that makes you happy.
I recall when I was applying to university through the UPU platform, I asked him for his advice, and he yelled at me to figure it out on my own. I wasn't sure what I could do honestly, because the whole time in secondary school, I only knew that he wanted me to go into medicine - I had no other frame of reference. My mom asked around among the neighbors, and found out that engineering was also a good field, and I did enjoy physics a lot more than biology, so I went into that. And my dad? Never did he once check on me - on what I was applying for, about school fees, nothing. My mom suggested I apply for PTPTN, that if I graduated with first class honors, I could convert it into a full scholarship, so I did that after exhausting all the other available scholarship options.
I think it was only in 2nd year of university that he found out I took Biomedical Engineering, and then he took an interest because there was some correlation to medicine - more on rehab science, but hey, I was taking classes in the attached hospital, so he was interested. Then he started to "show off" to relatives whenever they asked about it during CNY gatherings.
Anyway I think I've completely lost focus, so I'm gonna fast-forward. Today, I'm working a stable full-time job at a company I love working at - the people here are great and so supportive, and most of my social circle is from here today, with the exception of some close school friends I still keep in contact with.
Full lockdown in MCO was super tough for me. Being at home with my dad's constant yelling and anger issues, I seriously considered many times once lockdown was lifted, about moving out. I mentioned it to my mom, but she would always advise me not to, that it was too much financial strain on me and it wasn't safe to live by myself (you know, single girl, alone). Eventually, I realised, with lockdown lifted, I could escape our home, by going to the office. So I did. And I realised, that my mom was the more pitiful one because she couldn't escape as a full time housewife because my dad would restrict her freedom too - both inside and outside of the house. And for some reason, she accepted it. She clearly wasn't happy about it, but whenever I'd complain about my issues at home with her, her advice would be to not let it affect me and go out when I could. Honestly, I always wanted to ask her why she didn't just divorce my dad, but I was always too afraid to ask. So I let it be.
There were times when work was stressful, and because I had made work my escape from home, it was a toxic cycle for me, so much so that I had a few mental breakdowns at work, and did consider ending my life. But I got through it eventually after seeking counseling and talking to friends about my issues.
Have I mentioned my dad is a hoarder? He still has old VCRs of shows recorded from laser discs and satellite TV which we haven't touched in 20+ years, and probably will never use again. He still has an old Amiga computer in the storeroom that he never intends to set up, and also doesn't intend to sell - he just doesn't want to throw it away. Old pill boxes, old batteries - he insists to keep because he thinks he'll either need them again, or be able to use them somehow. Basically, the old house is so full of his junk that he's collected since I was young, that there's no space for the rest of us to really live. We're just, guests in his house, that have beds, places to put our clothes, and have to cook, clean, grocery shop, and pay for all the utilities, his car insurance, medical insurance, house insurance, and also give him an allowance. He complains about our cleaning too, even though he wouldn't ever clean himself. I found out from my sisters recently that he actually did complain about us not paying rent some time back, and this was AFTER they were already giving him a generous allowance every month (I had only just finished uni or started working? so they didn't tell me this). And he would continue to complain about this even after we started to pay for utilities and groceries. So eventually, they stopped giving him an allowance.
Another incident I want to share is about the family car. So we used to have a really old Proton Wira that we used as the family car since I was in primary school. About 20 years later, we still used it and it was the only available car I could take to drive to work. It wasn't very well maintained, but it got you from A to B, so for my first car, I wasn't complaining. Until, the gearbox started to have problems. I would send it to service many times, change the gearbox many times, and still, the gears would slip while driving - could be on a flat road while accelerating, and what especially worried me was when I was going up ramps or slopes, like when exiting basement parking, I had to have my hand on the handbrake at all times incase I started to fall backwards because I wasn't sure I could switch from accelerator to brake pedal quick enough. I told my dad about it every time, but he would just tell me off, saying I wasn't driving properly, and that there was nothing wrong with the car. I endured it for a couple years, until finally one day, I realised just how dangerous it was when I was leaving the parking with cars behind me, and I DID have to use pull the handbrake. So one day, I had enough, and I bought myself my own car with my own money. And guess what? When I went back home with it, what did my dad do? He yelled at me. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, he was 15. And then he yelled at my cousin who helped me to buy the car. He wasn't upset that I had gotten one without his consent, or that maybe I hadn't gotten the best deal on the car, no nothing like that. He was only upset, because I had spent my own money on myself, and that he insisted the old family car was perfectly fine. Well guess what? Eventually, he gave up on the car too, and asked *cough*forced*cough my cousin to buy it off from him, and apparently en route to the shop on the highway, the car broke down and had to be towed. And my dad never said a THING about it, ever. Makes me so mad just thinking about how selfish and irresponsible he was being, and how lucky I was that I had decided to get a car on my own. He was only curious about one thing - he asked me if I had gotten a bank loan for the car. I told him I borrowed money from my boss - when actually I had gotten a loan from my sister.
We're getting closer to present day, bear with me.
Last month, my house was being painted, with some other fixes being done like changing the roof gutters and house gate which were severely rusted over the 30+ years we lived in the house, never having been maintained ever since we moved in. It was actually my oldest sister's idea, being the "bread-winner" ever since my dad entered "forced retirement". She felt like it was a nice gesture and she had saved money to do it. She let my dad to pick the contractor so he'd be satisfied with the quality of the work, and that's when all hell broke loose.
From the day we agreed to the quotation (which was a really hefty sum), my dad wasn't happy about anything. He was always criticising the price, the quality of the materials, the workmanship of the painter and workmen, and even nitpicked that the contractor had "daddy issues". Funnily enough, it's my dad that has "daddy issues" himself because he likes to play the victim card after all these years saying that his father abandoning his family when he was young screwed him up. I'm sorry he went through that, but seriously, you're doing well now, and you're 66 fucking years old, could you grow up? Sorry, I digress. Honestly, my dad would just find ANYTHING to complain about, and he'd be angry and loud about it. Worse one I think was when he kept having the idea that the contractor should throw in some freebies for him, like hey, could you also paint this window for me, or fix this door for me, for free. Like as if materials are free and workmanship doesn't cost time and effort? I swear it's almost as if he's never worked a hard day's work in his life... Which I find contradicting considering how stingy he is with money...
The painting and house fixes took around 3 weeks in total - including power washing all the old paint off the walls, putting a few coats of primer, painting, and all the metal work. Also considering this was during puasa which was tough for the workers, and the weather was blistering hot in the afternoon and then heavy rain in the evenings. Through the whole thing, my sisters and I were busy at work, so who was left to manage at home were my parents. Or rather I should say, my mom. Because all my dad did, from day 1, is yell at the contractor. Saying he's not doing a good job, that he's so calculative because he wouldn't throw in some freebies like painting the window when we didn't ask for it in the quotation, or changing the color when he didn't like it, etc etc. Lies, they were all lies. The contractor knew exactly what he was doing, and it was really good work. We were all really happy with it. So my mom had to be peacemaker, try to calm down my dad, and apologize to the contractor on the side. Which is exhausting, because my dad was literally yelling in his face all the time! And he would eventually take it out on my mom because obviously it was no secret she was defending the contractor. I'm honestly super shocked he would act this way to a stranger. All my life he's always been so careful to only show his nasty side to us at home, and be charming outside to strangers. I guess being the "customer" went to his head?
All this took a really heavy toll on my mom. She's 64yo, and it was stressing her out so much to have my dad throwing his temper around all the time. If he didn't get his way with the contractor, he'd take it out on her. When I was home on weekends or before going to work in the mornings, she'd tell me how things were going, and they were just getting from bad to worse. She was getting more and more frail, more tired, losing her appetite, and not being able to sleep too.
Around 1-2 weeks in, realising things were getting way way out of control (who am I kidding, when was anything in my life with my dad ever in control? lol) - more importantly, my mom was suffering horribly from it - I reminded her that I considered a few times before about moving out. And that in the end, I decided not to only because she advised me not to. That I could escape to my office, but she couldn't, and that with my working hours and escapism, I hardly spent any time at home except to sleep (sometimes even choosing to shower at the office). So what was the point if she wasn't going to move out with me? So I stayed. But I told her this time, forget about financial worries, about anything else - and consider if she needs to get out of this situation. It's not worth being stuck in this at the cost of her own mental well being. I told her all this, to know these are options she could consider for herself, and left it at that. A couple days later, I went for an overseas trip with friends, and honestly, didn't think much of it.
A week later, I came back, and things felt the same. The painting was done, the gate was being installed, and the end of the hell seemed to be really close, like 1-2 days before everything would be completed. Another week later, I'm having lunch with my sisters and mom at home (dad not there because he had the habit of sleeping till 2pm ever since he "retired"). And I did NOT expect them to tell me they had all decided to move out, to leave my dad.
I was surprised, happy (like really happy), and also confused. So they explained that the turning point had come during the week that I was away, my dad's temper had gotten so bad, that he had almost hit my mom when he was yelling at her and the contractor outside the house. Luckily the contractor stepped in to stop him, and he snapped out of it, but it was enough to make my mom realise that after all these years, he is really never going to change, and that he could one day hurt her when no one else was around. Apparently, there were times before that she had mentioned his attitude & anger problems to him and threatened to leave him, and he promised to change, but then he would quickly forget it and go back to his usual ways. And other times, when he couldn't get the response he wanted from her, he would take it out on my sisters and I by yelling at us. She would always tell me when I was growing up that people don't change unless they want to, and don't ever get into a relationship with a guy thinking I can fix or change him. Funny that she would give me that advice, but herself still be hoping for my dad to change.
So, after telling them I fully supported the idea (basically I said I had been waiting a long time for them to decide to move out lols), we started looking for places to rent. And this is where I really have to thank God, because everything just fell into place. I mean there were some hiccups along the way, but within 2 weeks we managed to find a great place to move to within our rental budget with an awesome landlord. Then my dad announced he was going on an overseas trip around the time we would get the keys to move in. Honestly, we had considered trying to pack everything while he was sleeping and moving it under his nose, or considering the possibility of asking the police for help to move out in case my dad tried to stop us physically. But none of that had to happen, because he went for a trip, and we had basically a week to pack and move out. And with the help of many friends, we did it. We moved out, for the first time after 30+ years (40 for my mom).
Living apart from my dad, able to control our own lives and living space... We have never been happier as a family. I don't have my own room, I still share with my sister, but it honestly doesn't matter, because we can wake up every morning without worrying about the next temper tantrum or yelling match, or accidentally upsetting my dad about anything. It's so peaceful, and I look forward to going home after work now, rather than staying longer at the office. I no longer have to live under constant threat of being blamed from something wrong in the house. Yes, this is also something my dad does a lot, blame all of us for things getting spoiled in the house, even if it's obviously from wear and tear over the years. Like, the air-conditioner leaking, he would say was because we were folding clothes in the room which created a lot of fluff and clogged up air vents causing it to leak. Or, a power bank not working so well anymore, according to him was because I used it wrongly, and not because the charge just doesn't hold so well after degrading over the years.
The simplest things - being able to have a desk to work at when I want to work from home or play computer games, and having a cabinet in the kitchen to put my coffee gear instead of having to always wash, dry, and pack them up into paper bags. Or something even simpler - being able to accidentally leave a light on in a room and not be scolded for it like I had just killed someone... These are joys I get to experience now because we no longer live under the control of my dad.
Now, it's been 2 weeks since my dad returned from his trip to find an empty house (we only took our stuff, his stuff is still all there), and a letter explaining we had moved out because we couldn't stand to stay there anymore, and not to contact us because we need our space. He tried calling us but frankly, I think we were all either afraid to pick up just to be yelled at, or just not willing to be subjected to his manipulation anymore after experiencing peace of mind without him, so none of us picked up. He tried texting the family group then, and it surprised me he didn't act angry, but rather said he was shocked and expected to be able to live the rest of his life with us, that we would take care of him in his old age, that we should have pity on him because he's not young and came back unwell from his trip, that he had to sleep on the floor at the airport in Dubai. He said he wanted another chance to improve on his 'flaws', saying he loves us and would never do anything to hurt us, asking my mom to come back, that he knows he made a lot of mistakes, but that he's always lived his life for the benefit of us. Then, he asks us to continue paying for the utilities. Followed by saying "he knows we don't talk about it, but he never recovered from the suffering he endured at church" - which is total bullshit by the way, because he never suffered at church... what happens is what he always does - he alienates people or doesn't like it when people do things differently from him, and is super sensitive when people don't compliment or praise him for his works. So what he does eventually, is he leaves that church, and then finds another one. Anyway, he then continues in his messages with even more sappy words like he misses us, he's so lost without us, when he wakes up he's so full of fear, that that's why he's so unhappy and angry all the time, he needs us, that he's never had to be independent all his life, he's not eating well, not sleeping well, don't block him, please just let him meet us one more time, just let him hear our voices, just to say hello... OMG I wanna puke just reading all this... So much of it is so cringe, like he's NEVER spoken like that to us ever, and in the middle of it asks for money? And for the past, I don't know, 15 years at least, he's either always yelling at us that we don't know how to talk to people properly, or that we shouldn't talk to him. And now, he says he misses our voices? GAG.
Then this week... he pays me a visit to my office. Shows up at lunch time, and asks to see me. It was a really big shock to see him just standing there, smiling at me like as if I should be happy to see him? Honestly, I did expect it to happen, because my office is the nearest to his house, and probably the easiest to get to compared to my sisters' workplaces. But still, thinking it and seeing it were two different things, and I was just praying that he wouldn't be desperate enough to really do it and that I was just being paranoid. So seeing him in my office, I was instantly on edge, thinking he was going to make a scene at my office, and asked some colleagues to help keep an eye out for me while I went to talk to him. And he basically repeated the same things he's been sending in text to me. He started crying, and trying to show me how frail he was because he wasn't eating well, said he hoped I could take him out for a meal, saying he's only been eating all the leftovers - which honestly, is kind of suspicious because we didn't have that many leftovers to begin with, and we had purposely restocked the house with bread, biscuits, tuna which we knew he knew how to eat on his own - so maybe he was referring to that... Said he was worried about his finances, that his eyesight wasn't good, his knees weren't good, how was he going to clean the house on his own. Then he tries to change the topic for some reason, by saying he was surprised he was allowed into the office building and that the guard had given him some package to bring up as well when he said he was coming to my floor... It was weird and creepy and gave me a really unsettled, disturbed feeling throughout the whole experience. I was so tense and nervous that I couldn't bear to talk to him without crossing my arms in front of me the whole time. And I kept explaining to him, that there was no point in him trying to justify and explain himself to me - that it all just sounded like excuses to me, that 30 years of doing the same damn thing over and over to us was enough and that we were never ever going back to his house, whether it was to visit or moving back in - none of that was going to happen. But with his constant crying and pleading, I did start to feel really sorry for him.
I mean, even in the week when we were moving out, I felt guilty about it, knowing he wasn't going to be happy and was going to have a hard time once we left him. But the alternative was to do nothing about our situation, which wasn't a viable option either. Continuing to live with him was basically just saying, this is it, this is our lives, we're going to die with this being the extent of our lives. And I was NOT going to let that happen. My mom did NOT deserve to die in that house with that tyrant controlling every aspect of her life, sucking the joy and energy from her like a leech, like a freaking Dementor from Harry Potter. But anyway, yea, his pleading got to me, I did pity him and felt sorry for him, so I told him, please leave, I'll unblock him on my phone so he can call and message me, but I won't promise anything else except to pass on what he has said to my sisters and mom. He kept saying please, he can't wait too long, please just come to the house to talk to him, he needs us, etc. Took me a few times to convince him he's not going to get anything else out of me and eventually he left.
I was so on edge after that, I realised my hands were cold and shaking, and I didn't have much appetite for lunch by then. Thankfully I have many caring and supportive colleague who knew about the situation and they helped talk to me about it and it calmed me down. I talked to my sisters and mom that night after work, and they shared with me some of their experiences that I wasn't aware of from when I was a baby or when I wasn't at home. Which made me realise... he may have been trying to manipulate me earlier. Apparently, he has on several occasions, told my mom he regretted marrying her, that he would have been better off letting his mom to find him a wife instead. He had told my sister (the middle child) that he regretted having us as children. Told her to get out of the house too. And always told us that he had lots of money, that money was no object, whenever we told him we didn't want to spend on something he was asking for because we couldn't afford it. Which is conflicting isn't it, because if YOU have the money, then why not buy it yourself instead of trying to convince us to buy it for you? My sister had also asked him before why he was so angry, why he was yelling, and he would respond that he wasn't angry and that he was just like that, and he wouldn't change. I think the one story that really hit me though, was when my oldest sister said, she remembered when she was younger, maybe around kindergarten or primary school - she was holding me as a baby, and I was crying, and she was trying to comfort me. And my dad was playing really loud music at the time, and mom was busy with house chores, and she said she just remembered feeling like something wasn't right, and thinking why was it like this. It hit me then... that this had been going on for YEARS, like from before I was born, probably from the moment my mom had married him, and everything he had been saying were lies. Maybe he meant some of it, because he knew now that we weren't afraid to leave, that we could and would and did leave, that for that he was probably sorry for yelling at us. That all his threats to tell us to get out, while he probably thought would give him control over us at the time, had eventually now come back to bite him in the ass now that we were older and didn't depend on him anymore.
So, today, at this moment, I am sitting at my new desk, in my nice new home, writing this out because, my logical brain KNOWS that we have done the right thing. That my dad, the whole situation with him and how he treats the people around him, his entire behavior, is a classic red flag, textbook case. But despite knowing this, in my heart, in my emotional brain, I feel bad about it. Not enough to want to reach out to him and respond to his requests. But enough that I feel guilt when I'm happy about our new life, like I shouldn't feel this great when he's feeling bad. That my happiness now has come as his expense now. And yes, although I have been angry at him enough to wish him dead many many times over in the past, I think my compassion somehow makes me feel like it's not right to inflict suffering on others for my own sake. But logically, am I really "inflicting" suffering on him? Is it my fault he doesn't know how to be happy with his own life? Just because I was born as his child, doesn't mean I owe him anything, that I'm responsible to make him feel good, does it? Yes, I'm Asian, and Christian, and both of these teach us to respect our elders and take care of our parents. But it can't be at the expense of my own happiness and emotional well-being.
I don't know if I'll ever get into a relationship with someone. I'm 31 years old this year, and I have never been in a romantic relationship. I've had crushes, gone out a couple times for movies or meals, but it's never gone beyond just being casual acquaintances or friends. And I have zero interest in putting myself out there on online dating platforms, or going out to meet new people for the purpose of finding someone. I don't know if it's because of my experience with my dad, that deep down I'm so traumatised that I don't even want to consider putting myself in a situation that could become how it was with my mom and dad. I've seen other people have healthy marriages with loving family bonds, where the father is useful, caring, stable, dependable, and supportive. But I think I'm really afraid that I'm that person that attracts the wrong sort, you know? There's a saying right? That you marry men who are like our fathers? Yes, good relationships exist, but they're what other people get, and since I'm not a good judge of character and easily gullible, it can't possibly happen for me. And while thinking that does make me sad, I also know that maybe it's just better to stay single, so that I'll never be hurt again. Like, the risk isn't worth the potential reward.
Anyway, I hope someone does read this in the entirety, and lets me know what they think about the whole situation that is my life, and also especially my current situation. If there's any advice you could share with me, do you think I'm being too harsh? I do get triggered by my message tones, call tones, and even the office door bell these days, because every time, I'm just reminded that my dad is trying to plead with us to come back, and I'm just so tired of his manipulation and gaslighting and general emotional abuse. And I feel like this is probably more common than I think, and if you can relate to this while you're reading it, I hope you find the courage get out of the bad situation you're in and find your happiness too. If you're in a similar situation, although I have guilty feelings about it, I know it's important to take care of your own well-being, and I hope this helps you to know that you're not alone.
2024.05.08 01:20 ReturnStraight6132 AITA for passing out drunk?
I had a friend of two years who recently turned 16, we'll call them m. They go by all pronouns. I'm f17 and we were inseparable, we spent the summer bed rotting together and smoking. Opposites definitely attract, m is bipolar and has anger issues, little things that didn't matter would make him fly off the handle, like his mom making him wear leggings to a chorus concert but he didn't like the way he looked in them. I used to dread going over there, because I'm triggered by yelling but no matter what someone was always yelling. One time m and his mom got in a huge fight and when we got upstairs her step dad's kid and her niece came out of the room, I believe both are around 5. "What are you doing in my room? I told you to stay out of my fucking room!" Not yelling, screaming. Anyways, I'm more shy and quiet. I bottle things up and also get irritated easily but I hold it in. I'm also extremely sensitive, nearly anything makes me cry. I know it sounds like I'm just trying to make them sound like a bad person, but this is 100% facts. So now the real story starts, I planned going to a birthday party of an old friend's I haven't seen in a long time a week prior and planned to go to m's house after. I usually went over every weekend, sometimes week days as well. Awhile after I was there I realized it was time to go before we even started drinking, so I asked m if I could come a little later at 10 and he said yes. This is where he starts to complain, saying he doesn't even see the point of me coming if it's so late since it was a Saturday, and he was sober and I would be fucked up. I understood this and said sorry repeatedly and offered to sneak him one of the 7 joints for the party (I know, shitty thing to do but I've turned a new leaf and I don't steal from people anymore). She said no it's fine, just don't get too fucked up and I promised her I wouldn't. So we start drinking in a circle and it goes pretty fast. Before I knew it I took 5 shots and after that I said I was fine and didn't need any more. So then we start playing music and having a good time, meanwhile later I'm still texting m trying to make things right by making small talk. The whole thing kind of stressed me out and I went down to the bathroom and just sobbed about everything before throwing up in the toilet and passing out hunched over with my head leaning on the toilet seat. I'm pretty sure one of the girls kept knocking on the door and I didn't answer so she walked in, it's a good thing I didn't lock it. She felt super bad and said don't worry and went to get the rest of the girls. I wake up again to the girls talking over each other and pulling my pants up for me, also tying my hair back. One of the girls made me eat bread before carrying me out to my sister's car. I'm pretty sure what happened is my sister came to pick me up but I wasn't answering my phone and that's how they found me but I'm not sure. Anyways they carry me out to my sister's car and I apologize refusely to both the girls and my sister. My sis told me it'd be alright and she told mom and she's not mad. I slept in my mom's bed for awhile and she kept waking me up to drink water or make sure I wasn't dead. Eventually I went back to my room and fell asleep again. When I woke up I felt so ashamed, the first thing I did was go to text m to apologize. But when I opened the chats I was greeted with a few paragraphs of m cussing me out and telling me I ruined all her plans. She also went to my previous messages of me promising I wouldn't drink too much and responded with the laughing crying bitmoji. I didn't see this until after I unblocked her but I'll get to that soon. I send a voicenote saying I came to apologize but nevermind and I was using the night as an opportunity before going sober after the weekend. She said "nice excuse" and we argued a little after that, I can't remember about what but I defended myself and mentioned I almost had to go to the ER, and I couldn't believe her first instinct after my mom told her I passed out was to cuss me out. I blocked her on everything and about a month goes by. I get a message on Instagram from m saying "hey noya, I'm sorry. I'm a bad person for not caring about you in a situation like , an I hate that it took time for me to realize that. I'm sorry and it's okay if u don't forgive me." These were split into seperate messages and automatically I thought it was the shittiest apology ever, especially her saying she was a bad person. But I also missed m so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I said it was okay and I'm not trying to beef or anything but I need distance because he hurt me. I can't remember the messages after that but we made a comeback and decided we would talk about our feelings more since every time we fought we would just pretend like nothing happened after, and our friendship felt really fake. So we're talking regularly for awhile and I fell into a really deep depression that I'm still somewhat in. I reached out to him twice and made plans but they both got cancelled so we just continued texting. After awhile I notice his name won't come up when I search it on snap. I kind of just brushed this off as a glitch even though it kept happening, ig I just didn't want to believe it and I was too scared to ask him. But on April 22nd I realized it was m's bday right before texting him and asking if he blocked me, and I wasn't mad I just wanted to know and anyways happy birthday. He replied "yeah i did, not putting effort into someone who don't even think about me, I blocked like a month ago lol u jus notice. ANYWAYS. THANKS." To which I said I have been thinking about her every day and missed her, and I told her I was going through shit and I was pushing everyone else away as well, and I didn't want to make plans without the right energy and I'm sorry I suck at making plans. About half an hour goes by and still no response so I reply "nvm then lol, All u do is play the victim, I shouldnt be the one putting effort in just bc I passed out. And you still think I did it just to piss u off bc u seem to think everything someone does is just to piss u off. Hopefully one day you'll realized what a two faced selfish piece of shit u are, happy sweet 16". Then and old friend of ours who just recently started hanging out with us again so m could use him for his dab pen messages me after I block m. We'll call her j. J and m dated for awhile and their relationship is VERY TOXIC. J lied about M r*ping her, threatened to sell m's nudes, cheated on his girlfriend, became racist and homophobic and detranistioned for his long distance bf and much more. And now they're friends, wtf. J also used to be one of the weird gay kids like us before doing her edges and acting tough and hanging out with the ghetto girls. She's white, btw. Anyways she pretended to want to hear my side of the story and I knew she was faking it but I just wanted to rant so I did. She basically just said I was in the wrong because I promised not to get too drunk and I cut her off. I said "are you sure you're not friends? Because it sounds like you love her". She said " keep it cute I know where you live" and all I can remember after that is me telling her everyone in my life agrees with me and they're actually good people before blocking her.
I think I should just mention this was my third time drinking, first time drinking pink whitney and first time passing out. She acted like I've done this 1,000 times and did it just to ruin her plans when she's been shittier than me in the past. She's also only been drunk once. I want to believe I'm not the asshole but recently I'm starting to blame myself more for it. An entire 2 year close friendship ended because of alcohol.
submitted by ReturnStraight6132 to AITAH [link] [comments]
I think I should just mention this was my third time drinking, first time drinking pink whitney and first time passing out. She acted like I've done this 1,000 times and did it just to ruin her plans when she's been shittier than me in the past. She's also only been drunk once. I want to believe I'm not the asshole but recently I'm starting to blame myself more for it. An entire 2 year close friendship ended because of alcohol.
2024.05.07 13:39 dillpicklechips92 To M…
Thursday will mark a month and a half since you went no contact. I’m still struggling to adjust to the fact that I don’t wake up with random messages from you anymore.
I stopped checking to see if you’ve unblocked me on everything. I realize now that you really aren’t coming back.
Last night, I had a dream about you… I could see your face so vividly. I still dream of you sometimes… I don’t mean to. It just happens.
I miss watching anime with you, and listening to music with you. Since you left, I haven’t watched any tv. I don’t even want to continue watching FMA: Brotherhood, because it doesn’t feel right not seeing it with you. I’ve been doing nothing but gaming, because it distracts me from the lingering thoughts of you.
It mostly works.
I hope you’re doing well. I hope Momo isn’t driving you up the wall. I hope your folks are being nicer to you. I hope you found a job that you’re comfortable with. I hope you’ve been sleeping soundly at night. I hope you’re still working on your drawings, and getting commissioned for them once in a while.
Most of all, I really hope you’re happy.
I love and miss you, Doofy.
Sincerely, S
submitted by dillpicklechips92 to UnsentLetters [link] [comments]
I stopped checking to see if you’ve unblocked me on everything. I realize now that you really aren’t coming back.
Last night, I had a dream about you… I could see your face so vividly. I still dream of you sometimes… I don’t mean to. It just happens.
I miss watching anime with you, and listening to music with you. Since you left, I haven’t watched any tv. I don’t even want to continue watching FMA: Brotherhood, because it doesn’t feel right not seeing it with you. I’ve been doing nothing but gaming, because it distracts me from the lingering thoughts of you.
It mostly works.
I hope you’re doing well. I hope Momo isn’t driving you up the wall. I hope your folks are being nicer to you. I hope you found a job that you’re comfortable with. I hope you’ve been sleeping soundly at night. I hope you’re still working on your drawings, and getting commissioned for them once in a while.
Most of all, I really hope you’re happy.
I love and miss you, Doofy.
Sincerely, S
2024.05.07 08:58 Free_Blacksmith_4949 Well...
I got really mad at some friends for the first time ever I just shut down and released all my anger I try to do a lot for my friends and the one time I expressed how much I wanted to go to a music festival they dragged their feet and they were acting like everything was fine till I told them the plan we had was no longer going to work. Then I got told it was "frustraiting" that I had to bow out and I lost my shit I had blocked them on social medias and left our chats just crashed out I don't know how to explain to them why i'm mad because it's not about not being able to go to the festival it's about how I feel like I put in 110% into helping them get what they want I would list specifics but for privacy I will not it just kind of hurts I have unblocked I even apologized but it's still clear that the understanding of why i'm mad is not there and my messages aren't getting read I have been friends with for 7 years and all that's gone because I finally openly blew up.
submitted by Free_Blacksmith_4949 to Vent [link] [comments]
2024.05.06 20:10 lalumanuk drake pissed me off with his diss yesterday so i had to block carti
 | submitted by lalumanuk to playboicarti [link] [comments] |