I have never made a reddit post like this please be nice, this is kinda long and out of my comfort zone. Writing this helped me more than I thought it would. A brief introduction, recently graduated college which has brought up more emotions than I thought. On top of that I was going through old stuff and stumbled upon a letter en ex wrote me. She was my high school sweetheart, I fell insanely hard and at the time thought she was the one. This is what I wish I could say to her but don't feel this is the right time, or if there will ever be a right time to say this.
To her,
Hey, I know this is really random and we haven't talked in like five years. Anyway I was going through some old boxes and drawers last week ago and found a letter you wrote me. It's brought up some fond memories and honestly made me choke up a bit. I know it doesn't mean anything anymore and we're both completely different people now. I just want you to know I only ever wanted the best for you in life and I’m sorry for hurting you in any way. I hope you have grown as a person but continue to be that goofy, fun, loving, laughing attack, strong, driven, science obsessed nerd you were. You are a truly special and beautiful person, never let anyone tell you otherwise. In the last week after finding the letter, I have been thinking about the time we shared and reflecting on it. I didn’t let myself do this after we broke up. I knew then that if I did I wouldn’t have stayed away. I can confirm this because I'm letting myself do it now writing you this haha (It’s kinda funny). I know we didn’t end on good or bad terms, it was more neutral or numb maybe. This is no excuse for my actions, but, before we broke up, personally I was not in a good space. I shut you out, forced you to make the hard decisions about our relationship and I didn’t communicate with you which wasn’t fair at all. It must have seemed like I didn’t love you or even like you. I barely called, hardly texted, never saw you, I was terrible at the end. And I want to say I’m sorry. I really loved you with everything I could give, I fell so hard for you over that summer it wasn’t funny. After we broke up I really did want to get over you, I forced myself to only think of the negative memories and I don't think that was right. I tried to force myself to hate you to make it easier. That was kind of working until I saw you in class in college. When I saw you there, after not talking for a few years, my heart dropped. I knew I didn't hate you. In fact the opposite. I think it was then I realized I could never hate you, and that at least a small part of me would always love you. And I think I can accept that and be okay with that. I think its okay that a small part of me will always love you. I really hope you're doing well and just wanted you to know I have really fond memories of the time we shared, I hope for nothing but the best for you.

Vert long for context...
I 45M have two kids 12 and 7 with my first wife. We were married 10 years and dated for 17. Before marrying (A) while during a break up I fathered a child with a childhood friend we will call (B), that child is now 19. (A) and I worked through it and got married. I thought she accepted the mistake and we would move forward. However she made absolute hell for me to be present and an active father in the 19 Year Olds life. She treated him as a second class child, wouldn't allow him to visit regularly, say he cant come on family vacations, would cook for our shared kids and conviently forget the previous child was there and needed to eat. I had to constantly block and cover to make him not feel traumatized by this but sadly it didn't work. He is not well emotionally.
I was a dumb ass and allowed this reprehensible behavior out of fear of making the youngest two statistics and truth be told because I have been in the same house with them their entire lives I have a different bond so divorce for this reason was out of the question. (A) justifed her actions as saying he is NOT our family, and he is an affair baby and its not fair she should have to share her husband with another woman. This brought 10 years of WAR in the home as I never accepted this and fought her nasty behavior every inch and fugured we would figure it out...I genuinely loved her. When I say hell I'm talking physical altercations, months of not speaking and sex, financial black male the works everything but infidelity.
I personally kept a cordial relationship through those times with (B) to at minimum go see my son on every other weekend (sometimes sneaking), attend as many of his parent and school events and provide for him financially even through protests from (A). (B) was a model baby mama. Never drugged me through the courts, never intentionally caused drama in my marriage although (A) swore anything good I wanted to do for the 19 Year old was because I had feelings for (B).
Fast forward to the 19 year old teenage years 16 17 and 18 the trauma started to become apparent and I needed to be involved more to help and try to still have a productive adjusted child. This made war and fights at home nuclear. As she didn't want him in our home (but I did), didn't want the younger kids to be all together with him (they love their brother) and I refused to back down. It came to head when a verbal altercation turned very close to physical and the 5 year old started crying and wanting to leave.
It was time to make a decision for everyone and I chose to leave filed for divorce. Welll, long story short I ended up marrying (B) in vegas NYE. I got mesmerized by her grace during my marriage and her advocating that all children are equal and she would never be like that. LIES
FYI I am a very involved father I would have fought for custody but their mother is a great "mother" I can't deny that so I have an extended schedule every 1st 3rd and 5th Thurs to Tuesday, private school education, hefty child's support months in the summer, and even and odd year holidays and breaks.
(B) had become a completely different person. She has become (A) but with the added caveat that "you was not an involved father with our child and you let that bitch dictate your relationship with ours sooo what makes her better than me". Literally saying things like "damn how many practices and games and events do you have to be at" "why didnt you run that schedule by me", "when you there with them means your not here with me and I deserve more" or "You send her 2K a month why should you buy them anything extra" As you can probably guess (A) and (B) refuse to be in the same oxygenated room together so blending is not an option.
AITH for filing for my second divorce after 6 months?

So this all occurred within three to four days. I started chatting with a nice guy on Bumble. We had great text conversations & he asked me out on a date; we got Mexican food and hung out at the beach. I found him very attractive, felt like we had good banter, and I was having a lot of fun. Eventually, things started becoming more physical. He invited me over to house & we hit third base. I was on my period and I normally don’t do sex on the first date; staying over at his place was bold for me and I do believe we moved a little fast for a first meeting.
I left for work in the morning & I thought everything was fine. But we decided to meet in the evening after work so I could pick up some stuff from him; I graduated from university but have plans to apply to nursing programs in the summer in the area. He said with my plans to go to nursing school and things being up the air for me this won’t work for him. he said his ex of four years did nursing school (w/ all the studying & long hours of clinicals) and he experienced the toll it took on their relationship. He also said he’s looking for long term right now & he didn’t feel as strong of a spark on our first date as he did with his ex and a recent date he went on (a girl whom was more settled in her career). He said he experienced two short relationships ending recently for the reasons of plans being up in the air for them.
I thought we had a great connection and I didn’t sense any awkwardness, even thought we had good physical intimacy. I’m super picky when it comes to guys and he’s honestly the only one I clicked with on the app.
To say there wasn’t a spark after the first date, was he just not that into me? I feel like no matter the circumstances, if you’re truly into someone you’ll make it work regardless or at least try to date them longer to feel them out? Or does it have to do with him not wanting to relive the past with his ex?
TL;DR: He said he didn’t feel a spark; was he just not that into me? (23F)(25M)

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/notofamily posting in AmItheAsshole
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 21st March 2021
Update - 20th April 2021
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AITA for respecting my late wife’s wishes about keeping her family out?
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My wife unfortunately passed away last year when our daughter was only 3 months old. It was very difficult to get through but my little girl and I are keeping it together.
My daughter is 16 months now and there’s been pressure from my wife’s sister to let her side of the family see my daughter.
The issue is my wife had absolutely no contact with her family since she was 18, so 16 years of not seeing them. Her home life was something she never wanted to talk about.
It always made her upset so I never pushed her to tell me. All I know is they were manipulative and abusive in some form. She left as soon as she was 18, changed her last name and never spoke to them again.
4 years ago she got into contact with her older sister and she’s the only person my wife allowed into our lives. By that I mean we met through video chat but never actually in person.
We still maintained contact after my wife passed and we met a couple times before and during my wife’s funeral. My sister-in-law called me a few weeks ago. She mentioned her parents would really like to meet their granddaughter and want to start over.
They didn’t attend my wife’s funeral because they knew she wouldn’t want them to be there.
One thing my wife always made clear is that she did not want them near our daughter. Ever.
Telling my SIL this...well she got very upset. She said it’s been years and yes her parents were awful people (again won’t say exactly what they did) but losing their daughter has made them reflect on things. And they want to meet my daughter since my wife never gave them that chance.
She’s still trying to convince me and so far I’ve said no. Each time I just feel more and more bad for denying them but it’s what my wife wanted.
Her parents found my Facebook (pretty sure SIL might’ve told them) and I’ve gotten dozens of messages begging me to let my daughter know her moms side of the family. And I shouldn’t keep her from knowing her grandparents for past mistakes.
None of them will leave me alone and SIL has said a few times that I may be grieving losing a wife but to have some empathy for them losing a child. Because right now I’m being “too heartless” for denying them the chance to meet the only piece of my wife they have left.
I’m at my wits end with this because I’m not sure if I am being an asshole or not. I don’t know the whole reason why my wife never wanted to see them again. Even if I did though, I’d still like to honor her wish.
The way they are being however, makes it hard not to wonder if I am?
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Comments
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birdiepet
NTA

All I know is they were manipulative and abusive in some form.

The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior

None of them will leave me alone
I’m at my wits end with this because I’m not sure if I am being an asshole or not.

You're getting a glimpse of their manipulative tactics

One thing my wife always made clear is that she did not want them near our daughter. Ever.

Honor her wish.
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Big_Fans_Comedy
If the family really didn’t attend the funeral to “respect her wishes”, I’m sure they’d do the same here. Don’t let them near your daughter ever, OP
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pugluv91
NTA. Do not let them have anything to do with your daughter. The last thing you want is to allow them to have a relationship with your daughter and then after a while you see exactly why your wife didn't want anything to do with them, because depending where you live if they have an established relationship with your daughter they can go for grandparents rights, as of right now they have no grounds. Cut the sil off to she's just giving you a taste of how toxic the rest of your wife's family are. Protect your child.

OOP: Thank you for the advice. With everything on my plate it’s just been so overwhelming and now this whole situation. I want to be able to honor my wife’s wishes. Whatever the reason was that made her cut all contact with them

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Permit-Extreme-117
And do not believe the parents crap that they are grieving the loss of their child. They abused her and lost her completely 16 years ago. They deserve nothing.
The fact neither your wife or her sister can even indicate in even a vague or more generalised way the abuse that occurred, means it was truly horrendous.
Tell your SIL this is a permanent and hard no, and if she cannot accept and respect that fully (which means providing no information to her parents), then she cannot have contact with your child either. You need to be very very careful with her even if it appears she's going along with this. You'll likely need to cut her off too anyway, as she's already shown she's on their side.
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**Judgement - NTA*\*
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Update - 1 month later
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Thank you everyone for all the lovely comments and support. I was really worn down with this whole ordeal so all your input was so very appreciated . There was a lot of you that expressed your concerns about what my wife’s family’s intentions were and warned me about taking precautions to keep my daughter safe. I have taken these into consideration and have made steps to ensure they have no access to any information that could disclose our location.
And yes in the end I did decide it was best to cut off all contact, not only with my wife’s parents but her sister too. I tried to get through to her many times about why I’d like to to respect my wife’s call on this since she knew her family best and what they did. Despite all the reassurance that her parents have changed she’s still refused do actually say what went down so that was not at all convincing for me.
Once I blocked them all I was getting calls from different numbers the following days. I sent one final message to her sister stating they’re never allowed near me or my daughter and if they ever tried to come harass us I will get authorities involved. Since then it was radio silence for the last couple weeks but I decided to play it safe a few days ago and changed my phone number.
I’ve also deleted my Facebook since I don’t use it that often but have put my other social media accounts on private. Got many great suggestions from many of you about how to make sure they have absolutely no access to my daughter so I really appreciate that! I’ve saved a few of these comments incase I need some extra tips in the future as my daughter gets older and starts school.
Since I last posted and have cut contact I feel like I can finally breathe. You have no idea how stressful and draining the whole thing was for me so really, thank you all for the help! I’ve been more at peace putting this all behind me and focusing on my beautiful little girl. Just wanted to leave this update since I know there was a lot of concern about how this would all play out.
Thanks again, internet strangers! :)
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Comments
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[deleted]
You can tell you did the right thing because they were already bringing a lot of bad energy without them being in your's or your daughter's life yet (and now never) : "You have no idea how stressful and draining the whole thing was for me so really,"

OOP: So very true! My god I didn’t realize just how exhausted I truly was until after I completely blocked them off

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DanetteGirl
Please tell me you have a will and a plan if (God forbid) anything happens to you. These people have shown themselves to be untrustworthy in concerns to your child.

OOP: Oh absolutely. We already had one prepared before my wife passed. My daughter’s godparents (my sister and her husband) would be the ones who’d look after her

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CarmenNirvana
I remember reading your original post and am happy to hear that you worked it out!
Based on the way your SIL was deflecting the question of what happened I think the reason why your late wife went NC (and why she never told you) would absolutely justify keeping your child away from them. The possibilities are endless but all progressively worse. If you know if the authorities were involved or other people in your late wife's life that would have an idea, it might be worth it to look into it/get a PI just so you have that peace of mind.
Regardless, you made the right decision and best wishes!!!

OOP: I’ve thought about that but part of me isn’t sure if I’d feel better or worse knowing what happened and what exactly it was that my wife had to live with in silence. I’m still thinking about it

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Snarky_Boojum
Some things are best left alone. If they’re being quiet now, I’d suggest leaving the entire situation in the past and, as you put it, focus on your beautiful little girl.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Hello, I am new to this group. Full disclosure, I work for LA County Public Works as a CE tech (Civil Engineering Technician), and I also completed my MS in Civil Engineering. I am in the process of being promoted to the title of CEA (Civil Engineering Assistant). I know that starting at the level of Civil Engineer at the County, I would need to obtain my PE.
Now that I have finally finished school (Hallelujah!!!), I now want to start studying for the PE Civil exam. I need to decide which of the five subfields of Civil (Structural, Geotechnical, Transportation, Construction, and Water Resources and Environmental) I will take. There are divisions in LAC PW that pertain to all of these areas, including Design (Structural/construction), Stormwater Engineering (Water resources), Transportation Planning (self-explanatory), Geotechnical and Materials Engineering (also self-explanatory), etc. I wonder if there is one topic that I can take the exam on, and that would apply to any division that I eventually join. I studied in the structural field primarily, taking courses on steel, reinforced concrete, and seismic design, but I also took one geotechnical course and one urban transportation planning course. My intention is to take the structural portion, but I'm not totally sure if it would totally carry over to a division like Stormwater Engineering. I have the same questions about LA City Engineering.
Another question is, is the actual PE Civil license specific to the exam area that you take, or would it cover all civil work in general, no matter what area you took the exam in?
Finally, for anyone else with experience in LA County Public Works, or LA City BOE, did you also need to take the PE Structural (Vertical and Lateral) to fulfill job qualifications? Thanks.

I don’t even know where to start. I love being a nurse and I would never expect this to happen to me. I have never ever made a single mistake not to jinx myself… but I’ve never even received “ a slap on the wrist” over the last seven years. Never even a single medical error. This past week I made an error where I got confused towards the end of my night shift w/ contribution of the lack of doc placing actual orders in the patients chart to suffice the verbal orders he gave me and were completed during an emergency situation. Patient got the best care possible for the situation at hand, but due to the confusion of all the quick events I accidentally committed falsification documentation when I could not find what I thought would be a leftover bottle of a controlled med. I thought I would just let my charge know that it most likely got thrown out when I couldn’t find it (I work in the ER and this unfortunately happens). After doing this wrong charting.. I realize that the med had actually already been used and that’s why there is no waste to be charted… unfortunately the doctor hadn’t placed any orders and so I got gambled in my memory. I immediately reported my false documentation and wrote to pharmacy and my leadership. With all this said I now need to write a letter to the state to protect my license for my mistake. I’m terrified and again this is my first ever mistake. any advice ?

I do not think this is relevant bu....uut many post this kind of stuff so I thought why not give it a shot So, I just need help from you guys regarding a school crush It all started in mid-feb During our final exams It is our school rule that a 9th grader sits beside an 8th grader to avoid any form of cheating. So I 14M sat beside this class 8 girl 13F Before the exams we get time for revision and during that time we talked a lot about random stuff I also helped her during the exams in some questions she had difficulties in(I am really good at studies) Exams were over and I thought I would never get to talk to her again but luckily she was on the same floor on mine.(i have a crush on her now)
So we talk almost every day now while passing through the corridors and i think she and her friends drop enough hints that I think she likes me too! 1- She intentionally brushes her hand with mine while we walk past each other(very obvious that she does it intentionally) 2- I was playing with my friends and then she and her friend were strolling and upon seeing me, her friend's like,"Oh so you saw 'my name' goal complete?"
3- And when I was talking to her once her friend tells her "Should I reveal your secret to him?"
SO what I wanted to know is what should I do? TL:DR- Just read the last paragraph

[Let me know if a chapter a week is okay; I'm thinking it might be a bit too often. Run Zero: https://redd.it/1csb71x Run One: https://redd.it/1cwxbsg]
The mining foreman refused to go to sleep, and watched intently as Tightniks finally reached over and set it home with one hand. Its last nervous little sigh was the only thing he remembered-
The ship is without power, and Tightniks can't run the radar much without draining the batteries...
32s: First trap.
He built it big this time, and there are six trimps in there. They look familiar somehow, the light one with dark hair and an unusually short and broad tail compared to the rest, a big-eared green one, a grey one, a yellow one, and a red one with big paws and "XIII" on its rump, and a brown one with pink ears that takes the lead and cheers, "Kakka!" Once he lets them out, they all follow him intently around like just-hatched birds do their mother. He shows them the busted off cockpit and forward cabin of the ship he just crashed and they get inside and start da- ...nope, sticking with "dancing". He busies himself looking for the survival pad.
Until he hears the squeak of a baby trimp. They're feeding it- ...rocks. Carefully selected, aluminate rocks. What the heck are they doing? Whatever, I've got to get some conventional food for- What's that? He's got the survival pad already, but this was outside the ship, it must have materialized when he descended through that glowing grey mist getting out. He gets it flipped over and turned on.
"Manual portal activation 2 successful:" it displays, "rare shield equipped 54%Stg 14%Atk MT 0 Nu loaded / 399 He loaded / Metal challenge active / Total portal activation 956"
Metal challenge? The human selects it.
"You have the Metal challenge active. Tweak the portal to bring you to an alternate reality, where the concept of Miners does not exist, to force yourself to become frugal with equipment crafting strategies. If you complete The Dimension Of Anger without disabling the challenge, miners will re-unlock."
He's so confused, What the Loy is a Dimension of Anger? I think I have a headache from this high gravity. Sits down for a moment.
Notices that one of the trimps is sleeping in a small deep hole just at the edge of the garden, apparently to have a nap in standing upright.
I don't believe you, "portal". I'm training that one first chance I get!
56s: Pop full.
There are ten of them already?? I'm still working this derpy little potato patch to get enough food to bulk up just ONE of the- He looks at the portal pad and blurts out loud, "Fifty-six SECONDS??" He postulates that he's in a time-dilated environment, and that the portal is measuring time somewhere "out there", this "map frame" environment. It's like those Star Trek episodes he can't remember "Wink of an Eye" and "Blink of an Eye" that he can't quite remember. [One of them is Star Trek TOS, and one of them is Star Trek: Voyager and I forget which one came from where.]
1m57s: Arable in Z1c13.
The human walks along and one of the trimps viciously fights the various hostiles that try to come at him, staying ahead. Just behind, he finds that hole-digger busted into a cave big enough for 9 of them, and they start raising babies to fill it up.
3m37s: Miners in Z1c30.
It's broken! he notices of the data card he just picked up. It's one of the ones that flew out of the ship when he undogged the ship's side hatch, but it didn't survive. What was on it? He's got a vague memory of a big tanuki-tailed trimp, much bigger than the- Wait! This memory is of hole-digger all grown up. So this is- he looks at the smashed data card in his hand, ...this is the Miners card. At least there's some lying about so we're not totally deprived of metal.
That's odd. I'm sure I spent longer training this little guy than "one second map frame." The human looks at the black trimp with the grey head fur and silvery eyes, "So, can you say something yet?"
"Shijou." [Takane and Takanya are not black, it is their favorite clothing color.]
"Okay, can you say something else?"
9m12s: Zone 1, 40 pop, 3.5s RC with Z0/1, 13m19s turkimp. 12m55s: First scientist.
"Tai," his first scientist waves at him.
"Hmm," the human tries to think of a better test, "What color is the sky?"
"Shijou." The exasperated human is about to sigh in despair when he notices a card in its hands, with one word on it, "Blue."
"What?" he takes it, "You can't speak but you can write, huh?"
"Shijou," it twirls its paw off the end of the card in his hand. The human turns it over, and in small writing, it has "Technically, the sky isn't blue, it's a foible of Rayleigh scattering in an oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere. And you have 'TIGHTNIKS' embroidered on the left side of your uniform."
A look of astonishment sweeps over the human. I never taught it about Rayleigh scattering. Apparently, the scientist training has unlocked its brain to access the collected knowledge of a previous life! Then he looks at his uniform and groans, spanking his eyebrows in realization. The trimp had apparently noticed him wandering around the camp wracking his brain and talking to himself trying to remember his own name, and it's right there the whole time! He spanks his eyebrows again.
The very well fed grey-headed trimp starts doing experiments, leaving him to take the turkimp back to his farmers. Too bad it's only a quarter as fast at it as he is.
32m25s: Zone 3, 79 pop, 4.5s RC with Z1/2; c16, 79 pop, 6.8s RC with Z2/3.
"Nano! Nano, nano, nano." The D&B (that's dodge and block) foreman has an impressive yellow mane, light face, green body, and brown hind limbs, and moves like a blur when it decides to. When asleep, it's as unarousable as an exhumed fossil, except with the food article Yellow the scientist calls an "owny geary". [Puchim@s Afuu]
Helping it out is a brown-maned white trenching expert Tightniks finds oddly familiar. It has no problem mining, but couldn't start a fire if its life depended on it, so smelting is out of the question.
I guess that's how the Metal challenge really works. Too bad I suck at it. Tightniks is spending all his smelting time smacking out nails and joist hangers for the houses, and has nothing left for fighting gear.
1h53m25s: Zone 9, 306 pop, 7.9s RC with Z8/15, no turkimp.
The white trimp with the brown head fur- ...whichever one it is because it, or one that looks just like it, sometimes (apparently) burns itself up or blows itself up trying to build a metallurgical furnace. This one is digging a hole right now, into the concrete of some ruined building's foundation. It hits some strapping and rebar, makes a happy sound, follows it along and gets it sorta clear of the concrete bonded to it, and rips it out of the ground to throw on the metal pile. It now seems content to do that instead of trying to smelt ores.
"Red?" Tightniks glances at one of his scientists, "Do you think we could take it to- What's that place you said you visited five hundred years after some misty fight or-"
"Cloudy strife," it says, "Yeah, Midgimp is like that, we could probably map a route through there. Lots of metal. Especially the part that had an avalanche happen and fell down. Broke all that stuff out of the ground already." [Final Fantasy VII and Advent Children cinematic and Sector 7 collapse.]
"Okay," Tightniks says, "Let's do that."
5h32m02s: Zone 21, 2042 pop, 14.9s RC with Z20/232, no turkimp.
"Ooooookay," Tightniks growls, "There is something off about this thing."
"Shijou?" the grey one looks at the yellow one with concern about their human starship pilot friend.
The human stoops, picks up the little green gem on the ridge between Zone 20 and 21, looks at it, huffs, and asks, "Any idea where this comes from?"
"Err..." the red one seems hesitant to say, "I think you made it."
"Really?" the human huffs, "How could that be?" Then he tosses it at Red, "See if anything reacts to it. It might be radioactive, so we should take turns to minimize exposure."
"Really?" Red's holding it now, "What makes you say that?"
"Because I'm pissed off for no reason I can figure out," the human says, "I think it's coming from-" he gasps, "Waitamint!" He starts searching for the portal pad.
"Frags," the red one says quickly, "I think it's arranging a route. You're good with maps," it tosses the gem to the grey scientist.
The human has his portal pad up and reads aloud, "You have the Metal challenge active. Tweak the portal to- yada yada yada. Tiss tiss t- complete The Dimension Of Anger without disabling- miners will re-unlock."
\BOOM\** They turn to see (another of) the white brown-haired trimp'/s' attempts at a metallurgical furnace explode, and it seems both very frustrated and has really hurt its toe.
He snaps his fingers, "That's gotta be it. Although, does it mean 'miners' or 'furnaces'?" He re-reads the portal pad while the scientists shrug.
"Shijou," the grey one has just finished tracing the route map the gem was showing.
"Are we going any faster than on previous cycles, you think?" he asks Red.
"What's a cycle?" Red asks.
"We're stuck in time loop, you realize?" the human says.
"Well," the yellow one jumps off a little rock spire it was using to see farther ahead, directly into a seated position on the ground with an impressive thump the human can both hear with his ears and feel through the ground of the more-than-Earth gravity planet, "that explains a few things." The little scientist trimp seems quite morose at the news.
"This thing says the fastest we've ever got this 'anger' map done is ten hours, thirty-five, but the clock right now is at five hours, thirty-four." Tightniks tilts his head, frowns one eyebrow, and taps, "Getting it done faster increases attack damage somehow, and oh-"
"What now?" the yellow one asks, still seated beside the spire.
"It says we already got a 2.5%-er for having a million traps," the human says, "I don't remember doing that. Maybe..." he sighs, "Maybe that's a good thing, 'cus I'd probably go insane building them all. Still though, it says we're going faster, but it doesn't feel like it."
"How'd you know how it feels," Red asks, "if you don't remember it?"
"'Day jaw voo' I think is the term," the human says, "or something. The sense that all this has happened before, but I'm not quite remembering and there's no physical evidence of it."
"Shijooooooooooo..." the grey one moans, waving a card at him. On it:
"In order, but we don't know if that means chronological order or frequency/proportion of memories:
"- The ship crashes (pretty sure that happens every time) "- The human builds huts "- The human teaches some trimps to speak and do science "- The human builds houses "- The human makes maps "- The human builds mansions "- The human blows up and gets himself killed somewhere around Z17 to Z21, often on a dragimp "- The human only recently/occasionally builds hotels "- The human only recently/rarely tamed a dragimp "- The human only recently/rarely mapped the Dimension of Anger"
Tightniks sits down and offers it back.
"Tai," it flatly refuses to take it back, paws up and eyes closed.
"It's kind of a relief," Tightniks rubs his temples, then looks at it again, "knowing it ain't just me."
6h17m43s: Portal PB, 1% AP for sub-8h, 45 He, 7.149 He/hr, 2209 pop, 13.6s RC.
The last head of the map's boss monster goes limp as one of the fighting trimps' dagger points goes into it, and the huge thing settles on its tail, resting on the package that seems to be the prize of this map. And there's a popping sound, and then something mechanical.
Is that a scroll compressor? Tightniks looks at the package. The deflating monster's lifting envelope material drapes over everything underneath it. "Yellow, Shijou!" he snaps and points, "roll up that side of it. Keep this part from sucking down on the extractor nozzle!"
All ten of the scientists jump in, literally, pushing the gas in the bag towards the compressor. Tightniks as well, rolling up the front.
Until he kicks, and nearly trips over, a smaller package that might be the explanation for the reason why the center of the monster's defense seemed to be a little away from the big package he could see. It's in the right place, he realizes. He gets it uncovered and reads stenciled-and-sprayed block letters on it:
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE DOWN"
Perhaps the Dimension of Anger is so named because of the rage suddenly rising up in Tightniks' throat. It isn't so much as the free-floating aggression suddenly has an answer, there is definitely a fresh batch of rage and anger as he grips the nearest Dagger V, Mark 2 with both hands-
Refocusing on surviving the next few seconds, the pilot turns on the radar for the final approach and takes a last look around, then straight ahead at his forward camera and primary flight display...
He crouches, sets the dagger down gently, then starts clearing the debris from the box's grab iron. He tries to lift it- Damn, this is heavy! As he gets it turned over, gravity finishes the job, and it shakes the ground with an impressive thud as it falls right side up.
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE UP" There's a square cutout in the middle of one side of it, with a sliding cover at the bottom of it.
"Get the pad!" he screams, seeing that his scientists are almost done rolling up the megablimp.
The grey one already has the survival data pad and offers it to him.
"The big one," Tightniks clarifies, "The big one." he picks up wide flat rainbow cable and its edge socket in one hand, "It goes here," he points at it with the other. "It must have come with me-" He had taken the small survival data pad and notices something, "Oh?" He starts looking around, "Hey!"
The white trimp with the brown hair is napping in a hole next to the smouldering remains of its latest attempt at a smelting furnace.
"Hey, mining buddy!" he whistles at it, "Mining buddy!"
It wakes with a start and rushes over, but doesn't seem to be in a good mood. But as soon as Tightnik shows it the survival pad, with all of the mining data installed just as if all those broken data cards and scorched scrolls were intact when he found them, fireworks goes off in the little trimp's eyes and it rushes off with the pad. Within minutes, the first furnace that works is chugging away at some ore and it returns to give the survival data pad back to Tightniks.
7h24m49s: Fresh turkimp; 7h25m30s: Labor reallocated.
The big-eared green lumber foreman's mood fell much further than the mining foreman's mood was before Tightniks packed up the turkimp roaster and moved just about everyone over to the smeltery.
The brown-haired, big-tailed white mining foreman was surprised at the change, and very happy. It had climbed up onto the helium compressor cart to check something on the pad a couple cells into the zone.
"Are you upset with me?" the red one asks the human.
"No, not at all," Tightniks says, "Are you getting the feeling that we had an upset at this point last cycle?"
"How would you know it was only the last?" Yellow asks, "Your memory's no better than ours."
"Right," the human sews another patch into his uniform, "However, I've only actually hit the switch on the portal twice, the first one on a challenge called Discipline, and the second on a challenge called Metal, which we just finished. It's easy to sort out from the statistics. I'm nervous it'll get harder to sort out when we're up to, oh," done fixing his uniform, he pops a bit of turkimp into his mouth and chews a couple times, "a few dozen or hundred manual cycles."
"Friggin' solve this faster than that, please," Red grumbles, "I know the emergency counter got to nearly a thousand, but..." he kinda trails off. Finally, he says, "I think we're remembering more cycle to cycle as we get more helium into it. I mean, I'm glad that isn't the only mechanic."
"Can't miss the supernova if it is," the human ponders.
"What?" Yellow chuckles.
"I'm remembering something from before all this, I think it was called a video game, where you'd go forward real-world in the simulation of a time loop, and your real-life head remembering what you did on previous cycles was the only mechanic," the human takes another bite, then dons his uniform shirt while chewing it. After his head pops out of the not-so-crisp-and-fresh uniform neck hole, buttons still done up, he finishes, "one of them had a supernova." [That would be Outer Wilds among the bunch of games with this mechanic, er, Minnit (I know it's spelled differently than "minute"), 12 Minutes, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, and- ...I'm sure there are more.]
11h19m28s: Starting void 1 (L30).
With the thermal gloves on, Tightniks gets the void map into the portal device slot. It dematerializes and his fingers close where it used to be in his hands, then he yelps, stands up and starts dancing, "Oh crap, it's cold!" He quickly starts looking for stuff to bundle up. Once not too uncomfortable, he notices something, "You're having trouble, too?"
"No," Yellow and Red look at each other, "Well, not with the cold; this route has a poisonous atmosphere, slows down our young assimilating aluminum at the proper rate."
"Manning the traps will work at full speed, right?" Tightniks says.
"Should if your fingers can handle it," Red confirms.
11h33m57s: Void 1c100.
"You are one ugly muthaf[garble]!" he says when he sees the void boss, "Stay here, I'll be back." Runs some traps, grabs a couple helmets for the fresh volunteers, "Put these on."
"Shijou?" the grey one looks at the red one, really rather perplexed.
"I agree, that's not his usual accent," Red tilts his head, "Tightniks, what has gotten in to you?"
"Stop cheering me up," the human grumbles, "You think this is the real Quaid?"
"I think the cold is affecting him more than he realizes," Yellow offers.
"Phased plasma rifle in the forty watt range," but what the dizzy pilot actually throws at the zone boss is a Mace V-4, "and then I was thinking of breaking your neck."
[Felt like some- "Arnie? Well, the union is pulling out all the big guns today, huh?" (Tom Hanks as Sully) ...no, brain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, not Arnie Gentile (it was really funny to background Sully and listen to that line instead of "That's definitely you" in Terminator 2 while he's posing with the Minigun.) Arnie lines from Predator, Terminator 2, True Lies, Total Recall and The Terminator.]
"Tweak the portal," reads Tightniks from the portal controller aloud, but quietly, "to bring you to an alternate reality, where Trimps are bigger and stronger, to force yourself to figure out a way to build larger housing. Your Trimps will gather 50% more resources, but your housing will fit 50% fewer Trimps. If you complete The Dimension of Anger without disabling the challenge, your stats will return to normal."
"You will also open a new memory coolant unit," Yellow reads, "You think that'll cause a housing bonus?"
"Shijou," the grey one hands him a card saying "We have enough for another gateway."
"Oh, good," Tightniks hands it back after signing it, "Yes, build it."
"We're doing that next?" Yellow asks.
Tightniks sees the little fellow sitting on top of a mound that the human thought was a bowel movement pile from Draglimp, but it must be something more geological if trimps can climb it, let alone want to. "Yeah, I guess," the human answers, "It kinda scares me, I mean I'm going back, but what happens to you guys?"
"We have too much day javo or whatever you called it," Red says. He's usually on all fours, shakes his left hind leg as though something got stuck to his foot, "This isn't incrementing, I'm sure. 13 is less than 956."
"According to this, you'll be twice as big," Tightniks sets down the portal controller pad and stands up from the cart, "It's hard to imagine, especially for Shijou and Diggy. We'll clear thirty-six, that's it."
14h04m37s: Z33c95, IC.
"Are you sure we can make Zone 37 start?" the red one asks.
The yellow one is standing on Red's shoulders.
"It said we did last time," Tightniks taps on the crude leather bag strapped to his back, the portal pad inside it, "though maybe..." he tilts his head, rolls whatever he was sucking on in his mouth for a moment, "it just happened while I was building those traps. No, I'm sticking with that plan."
"If it's going to take that long," Red grinds its jaws sideways for a moment and lets its eyelids get lazy, frustration clear in its tone, "why do it again?"
"Because I've got a bad feeling about this 'Size' thing," Tightniks says, "it drops our resourcing by 75% assuming we build the same amount of housing as before, which we won't because of the reduced resourcing. We needed 65 capacity in the cabin and huts before we could do run the gypsum/paper wall machine we found. I have a funny feeling that never changes."
"We don't need 65 trimps to run it," Yellow says, "just three."
"Yeah," Tightniks says, "but a particular three that know what they're doing, and my day javoo is telling me the last of those is always the sixty-fifth."
"Shijou," the grey one moans from the other side of Tightniks. Didn't have a note this time, just kicking a little rock along as it walks.
"It thinks you're right," the red one growls forlornly, "Hating to say it, but I do too."
14h16m06s: Skel in c1, 50 bones purchased whipimp.
There's a thump at the cart, and then some commotion around it that's noticable enough for Tightniks to come over and take a look. The bone box is empty, all forty-nine titanium bones in it are gone. Tightiks brings his right hand up in front of him, and it's just a balled fist, the bone he was holding a moment ago is gone. As he starts looking for where he must have dropped it, he realizes maybe it's all related. Looking in the bottom of the empty bone box, he finds a note.
"I got you the whipimp. This new Bad Guy will begin spawning in your next zone at an average of 3 spawns per 100 enemies. I hope it helps, but I can't tell yet."
The note is in Tightniks' own handwriting, although lazy but with more consistent kerning. Is this from an older version of myself? Friggin' time travel.
14h18m48s: This L34 moun 160/27/79 calls itself "Magical Mountain" - I can't remember whether the Disney trademark is that or "Magic Mountain" ...I've seen a "Black Mesa" before, that's a Half-Life thing, and somebody on Reddit made pretend that "Dank Hill" was a King of the Hill thing (which is actually *Hank Hill, I think - it's hard to remember, it wasn't very good and I haven't watched it since the 1990s.)
19h32m00s: Doom/AT, 12816 pop, 80N, 37.7s RC with Z34/5298.
"Okay, we got that friggin' thing chocked," Yellow wipes its brow and almost bonks itself with the Mace VI-2 that it's holding, puts it down and makes sure the wedges are secure.
Grey, Red, and Green are packing more stuff around the huge boulder that chased them down a tunnel to make sure it doesn't do that again.
"Getting any day javoo?" Tightniks pants, hands on his knees, but apparently uninjured, or nearly so.
"Not at all," Yellow vehemently responds, slashing the air with its paw, "You?"
"Oh," Tightniks gets his breathing under control, "I think it was a human movie."
"Like a video on that pad?" it gestures at the human's pocket with the small one.
"No, a bigger screen," the human says.
"Fifty-five inches?" the trimp scientist chuckles.
"More like fifty-five feet," the human rubs the sweat out of his eyes, "Lots of people watching. It was called a sin."
"Ah," the trimp ponders, "Like a crime, vice, psychopathy or bad habit?"
"Er..." the human taps his forehead trying to remember, "Sorry, a cinema."
[The whole thing is obviously an homage to something I remember only slightly better than Tightniks, I think it was Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. As I'm posting this, I sadly realize that Nick Rekieta's arrest was between when I wrote this and now.]
19h58m55s: Zone 37, 473 He, 23.67 He/hr, 13088 pop, 81N, 32.1s RC with Z34/5298, 2806 pop short, no turkimp.
The ship is without power, and Tightniks can't run the radar much without draining the batteries...

From childhood to college to working years and unto death, women are increasingly favored over men for at least the past few decades in America. And not enough people realize this will come with significant costs and downsides to America as we age.
1.)
Teachers give higher grades to girls than to boys with the same academic ability. And the bias is evident across different types of schools and for different teacher characteristics, suggesting teachers are hard-wired to give girls higher marks. The size of the gap is considerable and could have significant long-term consequences, both on college admission and employment prospects:
Researchers compared the results of standardized anonymous tests taken by almost 40,000 15 and 16-year-olds in language and math with the grades the same students were awarded in classroom tests. While the results of the anonymous tests followed the expected pattern, with girls outperforming boys in languages and boys doing better in math, in the non-anonymous classroom tests the girls scored higher in both subjects.
And the disparity could mean the difference between boys getting a pass and a fail in some subjects.
The average grade for girls in language was 6.6 out of 10, compared with 6.2 for boys, and in math it was 6.3 for girls and 5.9 for boys, just under the pass mark of 6.
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01425692.2022.2122942
https://www.forbes.com/sites/nickmorrison/2022/10/17/teachers-are-hard-wired-to-give-girls-better-grades-study-says/?sh=7f95fbef70a6
2.)
For the class of 2022, women comprised 58.6% of all bachelor degrees.
For the class of 2022, women comprised 57% of doctorate and professional degrees. As we know, people who have degrees tend to make more money, widening the growing pay gap between men and women.
https://educationdata.org/number-of-college-graduates
3.)
Working women already earn more than men on average, per hour:
The New York, Washington, D.C., and Los Angeles metropolitan areas are among the cities where young women are earning the most relative to young men. In both the New York and Washington metro areas, young women earn 102% of what young men earn when examining median annual earnings among full-time, year-round workers…
However, even among full-time, year-round workers, men and women devote DIFFERENT amounts of time to work. Men under 30 usually work 44 hours per week, on average, compared with 42 hours among young women.
https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/03/28/young-women-are-out-earning-young-men-in-several-u-s-cities/
In healthcare, at least 53.7% of the next generation of doctors are all women. One medical school even BOASTED about the fact that OVER 65% of its student doctors were female.
Please also keep in mind: 22% of women doctors choose to work part time, and 9% of male doctors choose part time. This only exacerbates the doctor shortage in America, as the field continues to grow in favor of a female ratio.
Other healthcare jobs with good pay are dominated by women:
87% of all registered nurses are women.
88.8% of nurse practitioners and 78% of physician assistant students are women (average 130K salary).
https://www.ama-assn.org/education/medical-school-diversity/women-medical-schools-dig-latest-record-breaking-numbers
4.)
Women are living longer and longer than men.
As life expectancy at birth in the US decreased for the second consecutive year, from 78.8 years (2019) to 77.0 years (2020) and 76.1 years (2021), the gap between women and men widened to 5.8 years, its LARGEST since 1996 and an INCREASE from a low of 4.8 years in 2010.
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2811338#:~:text=As%20life%20expectancy%20at%20birth,of%204.8%20years%20in%202010.
5.)
Healthcare funding is heavily slanted towards women. Example:
The NIH spending for prostate cancer in 2015 was US$288 million, which is LESS THAN HALF that for breast cancer…The difference between public funding and disease burden is even more striking in the case of COPD: NIH invested a mere US$97 million, almost SEVEN TIMES LESS than for breast cancer, although COPD killed 292,000 Americans, SIX TIMES MORE than breast cancer.
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2811338#:~:text=As%20life%20expectancy%20at%20birth,of%204.8%20years%20in%202010.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5836059/#:~:text=The%20NIH%20spending%20for%20prostate,43%2C000%20people%20died%20from%20it.

What should I do with my eagerness to be wanted? With some background I am Maeya ‘20MTF’ and I never new my bio dad ’40M’ he and my mom ‘40F’ were young and he was a coward and left. My mom met my first stepdad ‘41M’ (aka stepdad 1) when I was 5 yo. He is mostly traditional he understands what being gay is but other than that hates all of it. Where I was the black sheep of the family. And where my brother who is 5 years younger was the masculine son he wanted. At school I was the floater in social groups who could be anywhere. But that didn’t mean I could fit in anywhere. I am too awkward of a conversationalist and social situations aren’t my strong suit. The group I stayed with through high school had 4-5 people all male and we were all “pairs” in the group where I was the third part of a trio that would hangout after school. Because my gendesexuality I really had too decode whether I had a crush on a girl or I just wanted to be them thankfully most of the time it was the ladder but I knew I was mostly into women. But because I did grow up in a semi traditionalistic setting and my messed up social awkwardness I didn’t ask anyone out ever. Because I was male presenting but flamboyant I was either expected to ask them out or I was too feminine too be into women. Which resulted in a couple of times being pranked on by both guys and girls saying that some girl would be into me just to be fake. One was a high school dance and another was just a Sophomore joke. Sophomore year my Nana passed away from a stomach/intestinal cancer. And because of my paternal upbringing she was the consistent secondary guardian that was there from the beginning. Then Junior year my mom and stepdad dad 1 got a divorce and then the pandemic happened. Senior year began and I knew I needed too prepare too say goodbye too my old life and prepare to start a new one and my friends will find there own paths in life too. But I did expect us too have a way of communicating. My mom ended up meeting someone and remarried in January of 2021. October of 2020 one my friends passed away from an OD. The rest of us graduated class of 2021. One friend ended up becoming a hermit I tried reaching out but he didn’t come out of his house. I ended up going to the Navy in September of 2021 but had a leg injury in bootcamp and didn’t make it. While in bootcamp my family moved across the country Northwest to the South. So I ended up going with them once I was out of bootcamp. I ended up feeling alone and restless I just found a job and was in a rut. Then in July of 2022 another one of my friends died in a car crash. This made me determined too try something new like college but that ended up not working out mentally. But things at work were looking brighter. I did come as trans at this time. And seeing a dynamic duo of Hope ‘21F’ and Sophia ‘22F’. For this story you need to know has been in a relationship for 3 years. I knew Sophia since I started working their and seeing her and Hope more at work and hearing about there night outs during the summer of 2023 when both turned 21 was something I wanted to be a part of as a friendship. It was difficult for me too articulate it especially when I am an outsider in so many ways but they said they’ll take me in. This was January of 2024. Due to the weather there wasn’t much communication but I did make plans to go out to a club as a first time being full femme and it was a time to tackle my gender anxieties but not my social anxieties so I wasn’t as social as I would’ve liked. Then after that Hope has had a lot of new adulting things this year from insurance, dental, a new car, and ending a three year relationship because of online betrayal.
When she broke up with her boyfriend I knew she was physically the most beautiful person inside and out I’ve ever seen but because of how well oiled her relationship seemed too be I never truly paid attention to this feeling. She is the center of the group and has constantly people wanting to hangout with her. But she was ranting how she is so bad at responding to people because there seems too be so much responsibility. With that every time I reach out she does respond in reasonable measure. But the only time I’ve been messaged by Hope or Sophia it’s too see if I can come in too cover someone else at work who called out. I know it’s not intentional. I didn’t tell Hope about the lack of communication. But I did explain my feelings and I knew she experimented once or twice and she doesn’t float that way but I have feelings for her and don’t know if they’ll go away but I’ve already accepted the facts and she means more too me than my own feelings and I’m willing too stay friends but just wanted too be honest with her and not do something stupid. She was completely understanding and as expected she viewed me as more of a sister and I completely understood and accepted. But now there is this growing communication issue where so many people want to be a part of Hope and Sophia’s click that I am having no communication in general because of my social anxieties, lack of experience in the South, am for and can hangout around recreational use but don’t partake myself, and my fear of being “the single trans/gay person of the group”. Because of those things I see people who do want to be a part of their click being shown more effort because they fit their vibe/vibe of their hangout and I don’t know what to do. From confessing my feelings to Hope and these communication issues I just realize I’ve had a few number 1 friends but I was nobody’s number 1. But I’m not looking to be number 1 I just want to not be last thought to feel wanted. I just need to know how to communicate this without feeling like I am forcing them too because the last thing I want is too be a friend out of pity.

I don’t know where else to say this. No one believes me, no one that hasn’t seen it already. But I have to say something so here it is and the world can decide.
I was a good worker. I showed up for my shifts and did what my written job description said, never missed a day or a chance for a day off. My goal was to be average, to not be good enough to noticed and given more responsibilities, but also not be bad enough to be noticed and put on watch. It’s what I’ve done all my life. Fly under the radar, be easily missed during inspections and blend into the crowd. I got B’s in school, had no intention of going to college or university, not like I’d ever be able to afford it, just wanted a secure job to let me afford my underachieving lifestyle. Took me almost ten years to find something like that, drifitng from one job to another, leaving when too many people started to notice I was much better at the job than I let on.
And eventually I found the perfect fit for myself. I was an overnight security operator, don’t get excited it’s a fancy title for spending all night watching security monitors, for a commuter train. I can’t say which one or where for the safety of others and myself. The job was simple, watch the camera feeds of my designated train and write a report for anything unusual. On a rare occasion make a statement to the police, and I mean rare occasion. In my five years doing that job I spoke to the police maybe twice before the incident.
I think that’s enough background so onto the point. It was a regular Thursday night, shift started at 10pm, working with Larry, Bob, and Sue (not their real names for their safety and more importantly, mine) watching the cameras. Made some notes, forgotten umbrella (wasn’t raining), camera glitch, group of 4 drunk men, person in hoodie doing the drug addict lean (you know the one). The camera glitch was expected, an extension to the rail line was recently completed which included a very long tunnel through a hill side, which about the middle of it was so deep that the cameras would cut out for about 2-3 seconds. It was actually pretty amazing that we got any signal from the trains in the tunnel at all. The wonders of signal boosters. But something about that night caught my attention. I didn’t know what it was at first, just felt something was off. I ignored it that night because at 3 am, everything feels weird. At the end of the shift, about 930am I made my report for the night, handed the desk over to Bill (again, not their real name) and went home on the same train system I monitored.
But the feeling was still in my head. Something happened on the train that night that I wasn’t consciously aware of. I ignored it still, drank my favorite cheap whiskey and went to bed. The feeling stayed with me the next few days. That damned feeling that you know something isn’t right but you can’t figure out. It’s like when you accidently put your phone in a different pocket than normal. So finally on Monday night (you have no idea how busy security monitors get on weekends) when my trains were in the depot getting cleaned I brought up the Thursday night footage and scrolled through it. Same things I made note of were there but the feeling was still there. So I went through it again. And again. The fifth time through I finally found it.
On the third wagon, almost in the blindspot between the cameras, at 2:58am was a regular person just playing a game on their phone. The camera glitched for 2 seconds, and they were gone. I though maybe they just moved completely into the blindspot but no, they were gone. Didn’t get off the train, didn’t reappear. I checked the entire recording of the night. I had no idea what to do. I should have told someone, or made a report, or anything. Instead, I told myself that was really weird and kept doing my thing. Flying under the radar, trying to be mostly invisible.
Two weeks later on Monday night, I saw it again. The camera glitch, and someone disappearing. I scrolled back the footage to make sure. Again, I did nothing. This time telling myself it was just shadows on the lense or the plastic bubble around the camera was dirty. But you know what they say; once is odd, twice is a coincidence, thrice is a pattern. The third time I did something. I made a report. Yeah, real brave i know. Making a comment about “shadows on the lense after tunnel glitch” on my daily report. But that night I started looking into missing people cases. Larry asked what I was doing, I said reading the news while my train was getting cleaned. Better than Bob, who was usually watching youtube and/or playing games on his phone while his train was still making rounds.
Anyways, I found some leads. 3 missing people, last seen heading to the public commuter train before disappearing. But there were more, so many more. Dozens over the past several years, all last seen heading into the area above the new tunnel. Unsurprisingly, they had all been alone at the time.
I won’t go into detail about how this troubled me for nearly a year. Just know that eventually curiosity got its way. On a night off I got my jacket and went out to a train station. Late spring night, a bit colder than prefered, 2am train. The last circuit before this train would make for the depot for maintenance. And I was on it. It would take nearly an hour to reach the tunnel and I was scared but I had to know. Like all those times you watch or read some horror and the character starts reaching for the obviously dangerous thing, you mock them endlessly but I understood now. Fear of the unknown is strong and just seeing what is obviously evil will help you put it out of your mind. But I knew the rules. Be ready to run, have two exits planned, don’t look back.
I sat near the door because I didn’t want to stand the whole time. And when the train finally barreled into the tunnel I started to regret my choice. It was nearly a mile long and just enough room for the train and a very brave worker on each side. I watched my watch 2:59am and ticking closer to 3am. Tick, tick, tick. Who knew a twenty year old analog watch could be so ominous? But then my watch stopped. I looked out the windows and the train had stopped. Not rolled to a stop like trains need to do, just complete dead stop and I didn’t notice. But the lights on the walls were stretched out, the effect that you can only see when you’re moving past them really fast in the dark. My first thought, being a sci-fi fan was that time stopped, yet I moved.
Then I heard a scream and footsteps at the end of the train behind me. I thought about the rules of survival I made and then thought about time being stopped, would the doors open? WOuld I be safe jumping from the train? I’ve seen what happens when someone gets clipped by a train (one of the reasons I had to speak to police) and it’s messy. I heard another scream, desperate and afraid, then the sound of someone tumbling to the floor and something scratching over the floor. A phone bounced off my foot and spun to a stop in front of me. I looked down at it as the screams behind mean grew more horrified and pained. I dared a look at the window to see the reflection of what was happening. And the best I can say is smoke pouring over someone but it was completely shredding the person like a blender but not making a noise and vacuuming up the shreds. Some mental fortitude I didn’t know about kept me from puking and stock still. The screams eventually came to a wet gurgling end and in the reflection I saw a pair of lights flick on in the smoke. Looking back they were eyes but in the moment they were two neon blue lights looking at the window, then making eye contact with me in the reflection. I held my breath.
The smoke soundlessly glided up the aisle and I kept still, not moving at all, keeping my eyes exactly were they were focused before. It drifted closer and closer to me and by god I wanted to cry. It hovered there letting me catch a scent and I want to say it smelled like something burning, or like rot and death, or anything bad. But it was worse, so much worse. It smelled like cooked pork, lightly burnt. It hovered for what felt like hours beside me, I was desperate for air, my eyes were burning from not blinking and those neon lights were staring into my soul. Then the train wobbled as it passed a bend. I have no idea when the thing disappeared or when time resumed, felt like I blacked out for a moment but I know that's not what it was.
I sat there in my seat blinking and breathing deeply to recover. And then I looked down. The phone was still on the floor near my feet. I left it there but I kept staring at it, like when you notice broken glass on the ground and focus on it so you can avoid stepping in it. At the next station i got off the train and went to an always open fast food place. I got a coffee and started writing this. It would be two hours until a train back towards my apartment, one that takes the old long route around the tunnel.
I didn't sleep that day. How could I after watching someone get shredded and devoured? So I sat at my PC and wandered through my games library all day. Think I fell asleep a couple times for maybe an hour. Next night I went to work like normal, focused on my usual behavior. But after two hours I was called into my supervisor's office.
It was relatively normal, they check in with night shift people every few months to make sure we're doing okay. See if we want to change to day shift for mental health. Was all normal until he put his clipboard down and off to the side. He took a deep breath and looked at me, like really looked. That deep penetrating look when someone can see through your lies.
“You saw it.” He said. Three simple words that felt like he was telling me I had a fatal incurable illness. I just nodded. “You have two choices now. Like all of us that know. Either you leave and find a new job and never speak of the incident because you will be a suspect in the disappearance; or you keep doing your job as you always have but with a raise to ignore the camera glitches.” I sat for a while assuming I had to make a choice then and there.
That conversation has been burned into my brain. I still remember it verbatim. And I wish I could say I made the morally correct choice. But I'm an underachieving coward always looking to take the easy path. So I still watch the cameras through the night, but with some extra money to ignore the occasional camera glitch on the extension. I found out accidentally that Larry and Sue also knew about the incidents and made the same choice I did. And we all knew the same amount of nothing and we prefer it that way.
So that's why I'm putting this out there. Maybe someday someone better than me can figure this out.
I still can't eat pork.

I'm looking for advice on how to spend more time with boyfriend and become a permanent resident in Australia.
My boyfriend (26m) and I (18f) met each other through an online dating app in April 2024, Nepal, he extended his stay and we have been regularly seeing each other over the course of 1-2 months.
We felt a great connection instantly and have deepened our love for each other over this time and have genuine intentions to live together and get married. He is an Australian citizen and lived in Australia all his life despite being born in Nepal.
The most appropriate way to become a PR would be the 300 Prospective Marriage Visa since we can't meet the requirements for any of the partner visas; however, since there is a long processing time for the 300, we would still like to see each other in the interim.
He is now returning to Australia for his job and contemplating when he might come visit me next. This is all dependant on his work, holidays, etc. It's difficult for him to move here as we have lower wages and he would like to advance in his career which is easier back home. Of course, the other option to spend time with each other is if I visit him in Australia on the 600 tourist visa.
My question is how difficult would it be for someone like me to gain either the 300 or 600 visa? It is looking like quite a dire venture with the recent crack down from immigration.
More context in relation to myself: - 1st year University student (not enjoying the course wanting to leave) - Working < 3 months as an art teacher at a school - Working < 6 months as a receptionist at a tattoo studio - Working < 6 months as a tattoo artist at the same studio - Living at my mother's home with my sister
The wages I earn here are less than $400 a month and most of it I give to my mom anyway as she has been providing me with my living expenses.
Due to this, I'm having to be quite dependant on my partner and if I decide to visit him on a tourist visa, he'll be sponsoring me/paying for flights + visa and I'll be living with him while I'm there.
If I apply for the 300 and while waiting for it to process, apply for a 600 to visit, will the 600 be more or less likely to be approved? If I don't get granted for the 600, does that immediately invalidate the 300?
What should we do?

I am a M(29) and going to my first to meet my PCP for the first time this upcoming Monday. I didn’t have a regular doctor growing up and have never even spoken to a doctor about such treatment/diagnosis. I’ve known my whole life I have had some sort of ADHD but now that I’m working and going to school full time while raising my 3 month old son…I can feel the lack of focus in school (especially while reading, listening to lecture), always forgetting something for my child when leaving, the random midday sleepy surge, the irritability, and even the hyperfocusing on random, sometimes completely irrelevant things. Is this along this lines of what I should tell my doctor? I’m concerned about the recent crackdown ruining my chances but I also know that I 100% have some form of ADHD & that I have just learned to cope with it subconsciously.
When I made the appointment everything went smoothly and when she asked about the checkup I did not mention and ADHD diagnosis I jus told her I wanted to speak to another male doctor and just get a checkup mentally and physically since I hadn’t seen one seen getting physicals done for high school baseball. Should I have mentioned the diagnosis to the nurse who set up the appointment or will it be okay just to bring it up to him at meeting?
I’m not an average Reddit post type of guy (first timer hehe) but I am curious to know the feedback of the fellow Reddit family.

Ez gfs dad called me up cuz he found the love letter I wrote to her in her cupboard. First of all that smart man called me at 8;30 in the morning when I was sleeping peacefully dreaming that I got into the college I wanted to. He called me and asked me how I was and how I know the girl. I said ki we were friends in school and then he said that he found a letter I had written to her. I said that whatever happened between us ended in last year June and started around Feb. I also added that I realised studies are more imp and hence I ended things. Then he went on to ask me if we ever went on any "outings" I said no which was true. Then he just asked me if I had any contact with her I said no and that we only talked once after school ended when we got our results. And he also asked if I Intend on keeping contact I said no and he said keep it that way. I think I handled it pretty well, told things as they were just changed around a few details and called him uncle and sir many times. I said that I have a mock to get to at 9 and he legit said thankyou to me 😭😭😭😭😭. Which dude calls up people at 8;30 in the morning man he ruined my sleep
(Mods don't delete pls)

After a wonderful year with an amazing girl (24F) who I(26M) fell in love with and was building a future with, I got suddenly dumped. Just a few days before the anniversary of the day we met.
About two months ago, after I returned from a trip, she came to meet me with the intention to break up because she felt the relationship had lost the ‘spark’. We had a healthy conversation and communicated the flaws and what was missing and decided that we would work on them together and revive it. Over the next month, we did exactly that, both proclaimed that we loved each other. We had our serious discussions and planned out the next couple months with weekend trips, and her introducing me to her mom who was supposed to visit this past weekend.
May 1st, her birthday, I surprised her, had a wonderful day on the weekend with her friends and everything seemed to be going great. She came by to spend the night next day and she would reiterate her feelings for me, through words and actions and everything seemed to be going great. May 8th, before going to sleep, I told her how much I missed her, and what exactly I missed about her to reiterate my feelings to show how serious I was as well. May 9th, morning, she replied normally and said she missed me as well and wished she could cuddle with me all day every day. I jokingly said I want to hear more, in detail as to how much she misses me. That message was followed by an entire day of silence. We were supposed to meet later that day however, she made up a reason to not meet and then called me later in the night and broke the news.
She felt she did not want to be in a relationship with me anymore. She had come to realize, that she would never love me the way I love her. We met a day later to say our goodbyes as I was in a state of shock. I was blindsided. I thought I only reciprocated the feelings. She mentioned that ‘I miss you’ message from me made her realize that she could never love me the same way. She said she will always hold love for me and care for me, and cherish the memories we made over the past year. I couldn’t muster up the courage to fight for us, how could I knowing that it was probably the last time I would be seeing her? I asked her what changed, what happened, what did I do and all she responded was ‘I don’t have an answer for you. I wish there was a reason, because you do and say everything that I want you to do and hear.’ Yet she left me. I didn’t beg, all I could say was, if that’s what you feel, how can I change your feelings?
I sent a letter proclaiming my feelings to her and why I said what I said and how ‘she’ had planned all those trips and plans over the next couple weekends and the summer. The day it got delivered, I sent her a message that I wasn’t expecting a response, even though I so much wanted to, and that I will be blocking/removing her from my instagram as that’s the only social media app I use.
She didn’t reply, it broke me apart, but maybe that was for the best? So, it’s been 17 days of no contact, and I miss her every day, all day. I truly loved her and this has broken me into a million pieces. She was the first girl I was going to confess my love for, to my conservative and religious mother. It felt like someone snatched the earth from beneath me. I wake up in the middle of the night multiple times trembling or sweating dreaming about her. I have lost 8 pounds due to a loss in appetite. I have been meditating, journaling, working out, playing soccer, staying busy as all of you have said but it still feels like a gaping hole in my heart. I get anxious and shortness of breath. I cry till I can’t cry anymore. Each day is a battle with myself so I don’t reach out to her.
How do you go from best friends one day and to being a stranger the next? She made me a better man than I was yesterday and now it feels like everything I had hoped for is shattered. I know time heals all wounds, but how do I go forward knowing she will not be a part of my life the way I had and atleast till the last day, she had envisioned as well? It hurts.
I miss her so much and I know I will always love her. But I’m doing my best to stay no contact so I can hopefully heal. Why is the world so cruel?

I've commented a few times in a few posts about my family's experience going through the F-1 to H-1B to GC route to migrate to the US and I've received a lot of questions over the DM, many of which I thought were pretty basic. I thought it might be helpful to put this primer together so folks know the right questions to ask and approach their planning more strategically.
This post is going to be very candid. I've noticed that the questions I've received come from misconceptions about higher education, F-1 visa, and what comes after graduation. I want to give folks the right information, but also temper expectations and give a realistic portrait of what it means and takes to use the student pathway to legally and permanently reside in the US. It is not a stroll in the park, and I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.

BACKGROUND

Two of my siblings plus myself are all here in the US via the student visa route. I received my green card in 2021 after being in the US for nearly 4 years. After receiving my Masters at a prestigious university, I was hired immediately by an organization willing to sponsor my H-1B, which they did so after two years of employment under STEM-OPT work authorization. My employer started putting together my I-140 (Immigrant Petition for Alien Worker, which is the start of the process for an employment-based green card) shortly after receiving approval of my H-1B. As the paperwork was being put together, my partner and I decided to get married and I switched from employment-based green card to marriage-based green card. The employment-based green card would have added around a 3 year wait if we went through with it, while my marriage-based green card was approved in less than a year.
Both my siblings are currently in the same pathway. One received their Bachelors last year, was hired before graduation and has recently received approval for her H-1B. Their employer has committed to sponsoring their employment-based green card next year. My other sibling received their MFA last year and is now in the process of getting their O-1, which is a different kind of work visa. Like me, they both came to the US with a student visa. We were all very strategic about the programs we chose and how we approached networking within our industries.
We also prepared for years. I knew I wanted to get my Masters and permanently reside in the US even before I finished college in Manila. My siblings also knew that early on. So as a family we planned for years, including preparing financially because we knew that we had a very slim chance of getting free rides for our planned degrees. Our early planning also helped with our professional decision-making, because we became very strategic about what kinds of jobs we took after graduation in Manila (except our youngest sibling, who did her Bachelors in the US, so her planning revolved around her academic career in high school). I would say from start (initial planning) to finish (with the last sibling also now on the way to permanent residency), it took about a decade.

GETTING STARTED

Is the student pathway the right pathway for you?
The first question you should ask yourself: can you afford the student pathway to permanent residency in the US? Higher education in the US is not cheap. Universities very rarely offer full scholarships to Masters programs, and those that do are incredibly competitive. So you cannot depend on scholarships to help you pay for your degree--doing so will likely end in disappointment.
(PhDs are usually free and includes a living stipend, but the application process for PhDs are on a whole other level. I will not cover it here but I can answer any questions related to applying for PhDs.)
Most Masters programs in the US are two-year programs, and the average cost of a Masters degree is around $60,000 per year (source). That's $120,000--almost Php7,000,000--in two years. That is a lot of money. That does not include your cost of living, which depending on the location can vary. I personally spent around $1000 on living expenses every month (housing was through the school, so the cost of that was included in my tuition statement)--and that is living frugally in a very high cost of living city. That's an additional $12,000 per year. Of course, you can lower than number by living with family if that option is available to you.
So on average, you would need around Php4,200,000 per year for your Masters degree. Again, a lot of money. It goes without saying that the student pathway is a very expensive pathway to permanent residency in the US. Can it also be a quicker pathway than, say, being sponsored by a sibling? It can be, but that depends on how long it will take for you to save up for tuition.
What if you can make those numbers work? What else should you know?
I need to put this upfront: the F-1 student visa is a non-immigrant visa. Meaning that it is a visa meant for people who will enter the US on a temporary basis. This is why the student visa has no direct pathway or benefit to permanent residency in the US. You need to change status inside the US to one with immigrant intent or double intent to be able to be on that pathway or receive that benefit. That's where visas like the H-1B visa comes in.
You also cannot work outside of your school on an F-1 visa. During the school year, you are allowed to work part-time on campus, and during the summer you are allowed to work full-time on campus. Work outside of the school is only allowed if it's part of your curriculum (i.e. your program has a class for "onsite internship") and you are allowed to be paid while that opportunity is going on. You can do this part-time, but most legitimate universities will have limited opportunities for this (i.e. under your program you're only allowed to take credit for onsite internships one or two semesters). However, your eligibility to work full-time after getting your degree will be affected if you do this full-time for one year. If you want to jump from F-1 to H-1B, this is not something you want to do.
Your ability to bring dependents to the US on a student visa is also limited. You can only bring your spouse and unmarried children under 21. Dependents of F-1 visa holders are not allowed to work in the US (although children under 21 can go to school full-time). This means your spouse cannot work while in the United States, and that includes working remotely for a company in the Philippines.

APPLYING TO PROGRAMS

The student visa still seems like my best option. What's next?
The next step starts with you. I've received a good number of DMs asking me "Is Master of ABC the right course for me?" or "Will a Master of DEF get me a green card?" These are not the right questions to ask because they're not going to get you any good answers. Yes, we know the ultimate goal for taking your Masters in the US to get permanent residency. But the true purpose of getting a Masters in the US is to make you highly marketable and competitive to US employers that will be willing to sponsor your work visa and petition you for your permanent residency.
So you need to view this degree as a way to level yourself up professionally. I absolutely do not suggest getting a Masters degree in something "you already know"--the objective is not to coast while spending Php4,200,000 a year--but to be so much better at what you're already doing. Here's an example.

Maria Clara graduated from Accounting at a good university in Manila and now has around 2 years of experience as a CPA at the finance and accounting department at a multinational corporation based in Makati. She wants to get her permanent residency to the US via the student pathway and has done a significant amount of research on possible Masters programs and career paths in accounting in the US. She started reading into forensic accounting and realized how interested she is in various aspects of this career path. After looking through universities and programs, she has put SUNY Albany's MS in Forensic Science at the top of her list for a variety of reasons. One, it meets the education requirements for certified public accountant licensure in the state of New York. Two, even without a scholarship of financial aid, the costs for international students is not exorbitant at $23,000/Php1,320,000 for the year-long program--with some frugal living and help from relatives in the US, she can save that amount in 3-4 years. Three, New York is the center of global commerce--all the biggest companies and their accounting firms are either headquartered or have large offices in New York City, so she has a wide swath of employment options. Now she just has to get her ducks in a row and make sure her Bachelors meets the requirements for application, as well as put together a shortlist of other programs she should apply and create a timeline for herself and the milestones that need to be hit to make this dream a reality.

Bottomline is, your starting point in this entire process is reflection and research. You need to reflect on your own professional experience and skills, as well as your interests. You need to figure out which pathway will give you that professional and technical boost and do your research on available programs at reputable universities, what the job market looks like for your target profession, which companies are known to hire in this space.
Of course, you should also take into consideration your limitations. For example, you can only go to school in San Diego because you can stay with relatives while you're studying. That means your research is location-limited to however far you think you can commute.
When this is properly done, it should lead you to a place where you have a shortlist of programs to apply to. Each program will have their own application and testing requirements, as well as their own deadlines, so make sure to keep track of that.
PRO TIP: while grades during college are an important part of your application, many graduate programs put a lot of weight on your personal statement and professional recommendation letters. This is why the first step on reflection is critical--it gives you a good direction from which to build your story, which you will need to convince admissions committees to accept you into their programs.

ACCEPTANCE

I got into one of my top programs and I have my finances in order! What happens now?
Now it's time to apply for your F-1 visa. Your university will provide you with the documentation you need from them (this is mainly the I-20 and your acceptance letter), but the bulk of the documentation you need to present to the visa officer will mostly come from you. Namely, because the F-1 is a non-immigrant visa, you need to show strong ties to the Philippines. This can take a variety of forms, and oftentimes your mileage may vary especially depending on the school you will be attending (i.e. there will be less scrutiny if you're going to Harvard as compared to a university that's not that known).
If you did not receive a scholarship with your acceptance, you also need to show that you are able to afford the first year of matriculation. So bank statements containing the total amount of tuition, as well as room and board, will be important (usually the I-20 that the university will issue you will include this amount).
At the interview, be polite and only answer the questions asked. Do not offer up information not asked by the visa officer. I suggest you have a ready answer if the visa officer asks you why this particular school and program, but you should have this answer already if you followed my advice about reflecting and researching before applying to programs :)
Visa is approved and on hand! What do I do while I wait to leave for the US?
Networking starts the moment you receive your passport with your F-1 visa. You absolutely cannot and should not waste a single minute of your active student visa, so this is the time you start telling people that you're going to be studying in the US. You need to work your current network and find peers and mentors who will be willing to connect you with colleagues they know who work in the US or have ties to the US in your professional field. Let's go back to Maria Clara as an example.

Finally, after years of hard work, Maria Clara has her desired acceptance into SUNY's MS in Forensic Accounting program, and her F-1 visa was approved by the embassy without any issues. After celebrating with her family, she lets her boss know about her visa approval, who has been one of her most ardent cheerleaders during this entire process. Her boss has also offered to introduce her to their counterparts in the US once she got her visa approved, which is really important to Maria Clara--she knows she needs to get ahead of networking professionally since her time in the US is limited. She has also reached out to other people she knows in the company that engage frequently with teams in the US. She's messaged her college professors as well, as she knows that a number of alumni from her college have migrated to the US. Her plan is to get connected with as many professionals in her field as possible, connect with them in person once she's in the US, and build a rapport with as many connections as possible so she can be guided accordingly and stand out when the time to apply for jobs comes.

Remember that unlike US citizens (USC) and legal permanent residents (LPR), your time in the US is limited and bound by the rules set by your visa. So you have to be creative and get ahead in some way. You need to be more prepared and more strategic than USCs and LPRs because you simply do not have the time to dilly dally. Yes, enjoy and savor in the moment of seeing the fruits of your labor, but the hard part begins now. You simply do not have time to waste.

DURING THE PROGRAM

I'm in the US now and working harder than ever! Is there anything more I can do to set myself apart from others?
Other than to make sure you have high grades and you're setting aside time to build professional relationships, it's time to think outside the box. Remember that you are limited by the rules of the F-1 visa, so experiences such as an off-campus summer internship is off limits to you. You will need to find ways to strengthen your resumé that doesn't include working off campus, and that could take many forms. One of the most effective recommendations I've received on this is to do an independent research during the summer--you could do it via a professor whose class you really liked, or if you've made inroads with some of the connections you've been building since getting your visa, have a professor oversee a research project you could do with those connections. (This is still academic work, and many programs will give credit for this, so it is not considered off-campus work under the eyes of USCIS.) You can use your research to really elevate your skills and experiences when applying for jobs.
It's also time to seriously start looking at potential employers. You can use the connections you've built to get a sense of what the professional landscape is for your field, learn about peoples' experiences at various companies and organizations, and get a feel for hiring processes. Remember, you don't have a lot of time to apply for jobs once you near the end of your program, so you have to be armed with the right information to guide your job hunting strategy. You will need to put yourself out there and be the best version of your professional self if you want employers to disregard that they will need to spend more money to hire you rather than a USC or LPR who doesn't need sponsorship.

LAST SEMESTER AND GRADUATION

I'm in my last semester of my program! Any tips?
The last semester is usually job hunting season, so make sure that resumé is polished and your network is activated. By now, if you've done the leg work, you will have a shortlist of potential employers and you will have made connections in most, if not all, of them. Time to check-in and ensure that they know you're interested in joining their company and you'd like their support and guidance in doing so. This is one of the harder parts of this journey, and you have to be relentless. Use all the resources at your disposal to ensure your resumé is seen by as many eyes as possible, and that includes speaking to your professors, especially your favorite ones, so they can also lend a hand.
More importantly: submit your work permit application (more commonly known as OPT) as early as possible to avoid delays and getting stuck in the USCIS backlog. You need this permit to be able to work after graduation for a limited time (one year for graduates of non-STEM programs, with an additional two years for graduates of STEM programs) without needing to immediately require H-1B sponsorship.
Getting employed by a company willing to sponsor you is not the end of the line. All for-profit companies are subject to the H-1B lottery, which means you will be competing with other internationals for the limited number of H-1B visas allotted every year. So even with an employer willing to sponsor, the H-1B visa is still not guaranteed. You can work around this by joining what is a called a cap-exempt organization instead, and USCIS classifies those as institutions of higher education, nonprofit entities related to or affiliated with an institution of higher education, nonprofit research organizations, and governmental research organizations. That means more research, and more targeted strategic networking, given that your employer pool now is limited.

EPILOGUE

The student visa is not an easy or cheap pathway to permanent residency in the US. It is getting harder and harder to beat out USCs and LPRs for great jobs in companies that have the experience and resources to sponsor H-1Bs and GCs. You need to do your research every step of the way and prepare to do some really grueling work in order to be the better investment for these companies. Plus, there is the luck element of the H-1B lottery. But it's not impossible. It can and does happen--my family is a great example of it (we're 3 for 3 in this pathway now). Your preparation and willingness to go the extra mile is critical, and you have to be ready to grind for a while. Rest often only comes when the green card is approved.
For those still considering the student visa pathway to migrate to the US after reading this very long post--good luck, and may the force be with you.

TW!!! S/A, Neglect, Suicidal Thoughts/Intentions, Verbal/Physical Abuse
I've had to endure every type of abuse form my parents, and my sister is following in their footsteps. It started with physical beatings and neglect from my mother, I was left unsupervised for hours and wasn't fed regularly, and I'd get hit if my room was messy or I did something small wrong. When I turned 8/9 the verbal lashings started, I was called every swear under the sun and then some more creative ones, for getting a C or breaking a glass. I also started having serious suicidal thoughts and intentions, with outward signs of anxiety and depression my mother has admitted to knowing about, I was also still getting beaten, once I was playing outside when my sister and I were called in, our ball was kicked into the alleyway so we went to go get it then go inside. We were smacked in the back of the head for not coming right in, I ducked after seeing my sister getting smacked so I got a more severe beating.
When I started developing my father started coming into my room even after I told him I was naked, and once or twice touched me inappropriately. He would also talk about very inappropriate topics with me very often, what kinks he and my mother liked, when the last time he had sex was ect.
When I began high school the physical abuse stopped but the sexual, verbal, and neglect didn't. I was about to commit suicide in grade 9 when I begged my parents for help, I got 2 therapy sessions and was guilted for wanting more sessions, I also didn't receive any medication or cbt or hospitalization. I also was forced to spend everyday: 1-2 hours shopping or doing errands after school with my mother, cook dinner, make my own breakfast and lunch, help meal plan, clean the house, do dishes, manage item levels(garbage bags, soap, etc). Most of these were my sole responsibility even though my mother was a stay at home mom and my sister is less than 2 years younger than me so it wasn't like she was busy corralling a toddler or working.
In grade 11 I started to get utis, I wasn't able to regularly take medication so I asked my mom for help, I didn't get it. I also was told to stop worrying so much when the symptoms returned and got worse instead of taking me to our family doctor. In grade 12 my depression got so bad I was starting to really struggle with my schoolwork, admittedly I exploded at my mother for not getting me any help for it and blaming her for it. I finally got medication for the last month of high school. I also got my wisdom teeth out that summer, that had been bothering me and my other teeth for years, I was ignored the entire time I was in recovery and criticized for needing more pain meds than my sister even though my surgery was more extensive(some of the teeth had started to erupt, fuse with my jaw bone, and were fully developed).
I was also told I had exactly $200 to apply to universities. Most applications cost $150-250, especially the better schools, so I applied to only 3 schools that I knew I could get into because the school I really wanted to go to I wasn't sure I'd get in and the application without tax was $200, later my parents claimed they never said this. I was also forbidden from getting any type of job to pay for my applications.
Now my sister whines about every problem she has, repeatedly, that have been going on for years with zero effort to try and fix them. I've suggested diagnoses from professionals to access resources, therapy, self help books, youtube channels, hell I even bought her multiple self help books that really helped me explicitly as a gift, I offered to pay for some sessions with a psychologist so she could get diagnosed. And shes says I manipulated her into hating our parents, I told her what happened to us, and me as kids, that was the whole "manipulation".
I'm so tired of them and their bs. I live a fair ways from them too. I still care for them which is frustrating because they make me feel like garbage everyone I'm around them. Anyways, thanks for reading my rant.

Graduated. Going to MSc thesis in clinical work (will be co-running a trial with tangible real wrld imolications)

• cGPA 3.90, 2&3 yr 3.95+
• MCAT : Studying rn, expecting 510-514
• CASPER : will take, was my absolute op last year.
• IP QC, could and would opt for AB after master's
• Came to Canada in 2020
• Target schools : Ontario schools, AB schools, Mcgill (not good enough in fench yet for QC schools)
  
• ECs ( Key ones are marked with *)
  

TUTORING : * YMCA tutor for 3 years, great exp working w ppl w all learning styles and occasionally difficulties, diff subjects and grades - Peer mentor, course notetaker for office of students with disabilities - Paid uni Biochem tutor, 1 year - Paid tutor for a company starting fall

LEADERHSIP : * Student society's Vice prez, Univeristy senator, board member. Did projects aimed at improving student life academics equity. Voiced my fellers at committees. Network that I leveraged to make things happen. * Program's society Vice prez for 2 yrs. Additional to typical responsibilites, held or helped hold workshops, career fairs, etc. - Cancer society vice prez. Led a committee of 4, collaborated with a committee of 30. Did quite a bit, fundraised alot.

WORK (minimal): - Crew member at Timmies 1yr (learned French there basically bein oui) - Comms assistant and student guide 1 yr * Medical secretary this summer, so 4 months. Blessed to be doing incredible additional stuff that ease pt's getting appintments, also digitalizing the clinic's records, alot of impact potential that I'm enjoying. Thyey're super appreciative of me too, goes both ways.

Research (minimal): * mid-ranked author and article screener, scoping review on health services. 1.5 yrs. Did screening, extraction, brainstorming steps. helped write manuscript. - paid full time summer internship, wet lab. 2 uni conferences. -- MASTER'S THESIS AND OTHER PROJECTS OTW !

Comm service :

• Hospital cancer support volunteer 1 yr. visitsa and talks, sign up patients and families for support services, sometimes niche things like securing funding for adapted mobility. Extremely eye-opening. Crearing a respite program rn.

-- ICU reception volunteer, 2 years (effectively helped manage unit traffic, guided and comforted visitors)
-- long-term housing volunteer, 3 years (visits, outings, event facilitation, arts and movement workshops, helped residents overcome anorexia, isolation, etc etc

Awards :

• student engagement award, resssrch award fundung my summer internship, a few partial scholarships from school, made it semi-final to a huge EC-based scholarship.

Other :

*basically my family's rep in all processes involved in a Covid-striken, isolated immigration experience. This shaped me basically. I can talk about enormous challenges I, and I mostly, overcame for hours. Lost 20kg in first months doing those, wrote hundreds of letters, called 1000s of times, even worked w lawyers once, but turned dozens of refusals and rejections into approvals. fuck it we ball.
Am I acc EC strong ? - Also wondering, does the fact that I've stayed in same positon in most commitments raise any flags ? Is upward motion highly expected ? - Does having veey few hours in an activity make it unworthy of being listed? ( my long-term care exp for instance,,m I have very low hours, maybe 150 in 3 years. Should I list that anyways ?)

I am graduating soon from nursing school with 82% GPA (high very good) ,
I hate nursing school to the fullest so I was planning to get into psychology masters here in my country out side Usa (jordan/middle east) and then travel to USA for psychology PhD.
Unfortunately they closed the only affordable program so left for me some choices now .
• Public health masters - mental health thesis (english).
• Psychiatric nursing masters ( english) 560 hours of clinical training and advance practice psychiatric nurse national license + psychiatric thesis .
• Counseling psychology masters (no clinical training) , counseling psychologist national license (Taught in Arabic) , psychology thesis .
• Educational psychology masters - Arabic language , no license , psychology thesis .
I am planning to get into one of them in 2024/2025 academic year addition to NGO work experience .
By 2028 I will be done of the masters + 3 years of NGO work experience with youth public health.
Which masters would help me get easier in clinical psychology PhD and should I work as a nurse instead of NGO?
i hate nursing and it would be very challenging for time management with masters program.
question , i read that psychology phds are highly competitive , is it admission and funding challenging or only admission ?

ive posted here before but for some reason my account wouldnt load the messages and requests of the people i was talking to then i made a new account.
Anyways I have decided that June 5th I'll be taking my own life. I put alot of thought and consideration into the matter. I've genuinely had enough.
My breaking point was after my admission was revoked over a fafsa error. I had dropped out of school twice before over financal and mental health reasons.
My mother is sometimes physically abusive and my dad is not in the right head space. He tried killing himself infront of me earlier this year.
ive been blocked by ex friends of 7+ years and have none now. no man either. im actively looking for a job as well rn. hopefully will get hired soon.
I also suffer from extreme episodic outbursts idk what else to call them where i constantly shake and scream until im physically exhausted
it got to the point where i couldnt shower properly anymore without holding on the handle
i cant afford a therapist and the ones covered my by insurance take too long. i cant get on new medications. cant admit myself to the mental hospital because i need to look for work.
i am very exhausted and tired and done with all this fucking shit begging Allah to help me.
I believe in his mercy which is why im going to end my life.
i just dont know what the proper way to say goodbye is. do i write a letter telling everyone how i feel. a video recording ? nothing at all
allow me to do this one selfless act.

My name is Jessica, and I live in a small central American city of about 80,000 people.Today I'm going to share a story about Korea.First, I'd like to tell you a little bit about my family.When I was born, I already had an older brother.I don't mean just a little sister with an older brother.My brother was adopted from Korea.It's an unusual situation, isn't it? My parents struggled with infertility for several years before I was born, and they ended up adopting my Korean brother.Then, a few years later, they got pregnant with me, and I was born.My brother had different hair color, skin color, and eye color than me, but we got along very well.Even though we knew from a young age that we were adopted because of our differences, we got along well, and we were a family that loved each other deeply.
We played the same games, read books together, and spent a lot of time together. He always took good care of me, and he was a good brother who made me laugh.
I would say, “Brother, let's read this book together!” and he would always smile and read it to me. I think I liked and enjoyed his warmth to me, rather than focusing on the content of the book.
When we left our cozy home environment, it was time to go to school, and during this time, my brother and I were asked a lot of embarrassing questions.One day, while my brother and I were playing together, a friend asked me, “Jessica, why does your brother look different from you?”The question gave me pause, but he smiled and replied, “Because we are a family, looks don't matter. His positive attitude had a good effect on me, and I'm sure he had a good effect on himself, too.Watching him grow up right, and our family became interested in Korea. If he was a troublemaker and always in trouble, he wouldn't have had the time to take the time to learn about his country of origin, Korea, but when he studied well, didn't fight with his friends, and was a good person who always loved and cared for his brother, we couldn't help but wonder about his roots.
I think my parents also had the will to share Korean culture with my brother and me, to learn what they could, to broaden our horizons and deepen our family's understanding.Many years ago, when I was in middle school, my family visited Korea for the first time, and the experience left a great impression on me.
We visited many tourist spots in Seoul and saw the harmonious combination of Korean tradition and modernity.And Korea, with its many dark-haired, dark-eyed people like my brother, was somehow not foreign to me.For Americans traveling to Asia for the first time, this could have been difficult because people look different and give off different vibes, but not for me. My parents, of course, were very excited to revisit Korea, the country of my brother's birth, and spoke so many blessings about the land of my brother's birth.Of course, there were many good things to see and many fun things to do in Korea, but the most memorable moment was when I suddenly developed a high fever.
It was a quiet night in Korea at the time, and I suddenly developed a high fever.This change was so sudden that my parents panicked.Eventually, with the help of the hotel we were staying at, they were able to get me to the emergency room in Korea, where I was quickly treated.Upon arrival, the medical staff quickly assessed my condition and ran the necessary tests.The whole process was organized, and thanks to the professionalism and quick response of the medical staff, I was able to get comfortable quickly. My situation was so serious that my head hurt like a rock and I could barely understand what was being said around me, but thanks to their quick response, my fever started to come down and I was able to return to my senses.The tests showed that I had a severe flu, which had been contracted in the United States and had incubated in Korea.I had to stop traveling in Korea and be admitted to the hospital for treatment, but thanks to the fast and efficient healthcare system in Korea, this was not a problem.
My parents breathed a sigh of relief and expressed their deep gratitude to the Korean healthcare system.“If it wasn't for Korea, I would have been in trouble,” my father said.Although my family had to stop our trip to Korea and spend the rest of my stay in a Korean hospital, looking back, it was also a unique experience abroad.
Many years later, as an adult, my relationship with my brother was still good. We enjoyed Korean dramas, movies, and music together, cooked Korean food together, and learned Korean together.
However, there was a clear difference between me and him: he seemed to be better at learning, even if he spent the same amount of time studying, and he went to a prestigious university, while I failed to get into college and became depressed.
He helped me with my studies every vacation, taught me how to study, and helped me to get into a prestigious university, but the results were not good. I was rejected by all the universities I applied to, and I was going through a very difficult time. After he graduated from college, he moved back home from the East Coast of the United States and helped me study for the college entrance exam, and with his help, I was able to get into college, albeit late.
Although I didn't get into a prestigious university like my brother, I still had a satisfying college experience and broadened my horizons.Naturally, I discovered that Korea has been on the global radar lately, which was very exciting.Korea may be the latest trend for Americans these days, but for me and my brother, it's like going back to our roots.I've always loved Korea, and it was very interesting and fond to reminisce about my trip to Korea when I was in middle school and look through my photo albums, even though half the time I was sick. So, my brother and I decided to visit Korea again, and this time, we had several goals for the trip: we wanted to make sure that we got it right this time, because we didn't get it right the first time, and my brother wanted to get to know his Korean roots better, even though he is now an adult, working as an American and living as an American, and I wanted to get to know my Korean roots better in relation to my major in college, and this time, I wanted to research more about the Korean healthcare system that I had experienced as a child.
Of course, I also wanted to have fun in Korea and enjoy the freedom to roam around the country unlike when I was a student, but I didn't take it too seriously.
Korea was so different from the U.S. It had the look of a big city in the U.S., but it had its own unique vibe. It was much more developed than the neighborhoods we live in in the U.S., and everywhere you looked was filled with people, and there were hundreds or thousands of stores selling a variety of things. If you were walking around and traveling, and you got thirsty and needed a break, there were cafes all around you that you could just pop into and take a break, and you didn't have to go far to find a restaurant that had one Korean food and sold it, because all the infrastructure was there.
Everything is around you, and everything you want or need is always right around the corner, which is why people call city life so convenient and love it.The public transportation system in Korea, which is light years better than the big cities in the U.S., helped us get around without any difficulty.It was also so much fun to get a T-money card, carry it around, and use it to get around Korea for a very low cost.
And when my brother and I would walk around, going to cafes, restaurants, and other places where there was something to do, many Koreans would tell us that we made a good looking couple.When I would tell them, in a pleasant and complimentary way, that we were actually brother and sister, they would look surprised and apologize.
But it's completely understandable, because even in the U.S., more people think of us as a couple or friends than they do as siblings, and there's not much of an adoption culture in Korea, and no one adopts and brings European or American children to Korea, so it's no wonder we get these funny misunderstandings.
To be honest, even in the U.S. nowadays, you can still encounter people who ask my brother and I questions about our relationship with unpleasant intentions to hurt us, assuming that we are not a couple or friends, but maybe even a man.A recent memory is of an American grandfather in his 70s who made a very rude remark to us, asking us what kind of father our father was to have two women give birth at the same time.
In the U.S., most people are friendly and kind to me, but the problem is that some people sometimes make fun of my brother because he looks Asian, but this was not the case in Korea at all.No one discriminated against me because of my different appearance.
And there's actually a story I wasn't going to tell in this article, but I'm writing it down because I had my brother's permission to do so.After arriving in Korea, we decided to search for my adopted brother's birth parents in order to trace his roots.My parents and I respected his decision to pursue this endeavor in Korea, and of course, we decided to support it. We visited the Korean adoption agency and requested my brother's adoption records.The representative provided us with all the information possible and was eager to help us, saying that efforts to find one's roots are ongoing every day.Together, we were able to find some important clues in the records.
My brother decided to visit his birthplace based on those clues, and of course, I joined him on the journey.We were always laughing since we came to Korea, but at this moment, there was more seriousness than laughter.We visited my brother's birthplace together and talked to the local people.
At the time, there was only a vague record of my brother's father and mother, but no proper records, so we only knew where he was born, and we had to go there and find someone who had lived there for a long time.But Korea is a very fast-developing country, and the sad thing is that the area where my brother was born and spent the first few months of his life was already torn down and replaced by a huge apartment complex. We felt that if we had come sooner, at least before these new apartments were built, things would have been at least better than they were, but there was no point in regretting what had passed.We visited the social welfare center and police station in the area, explained our situation, and asked for help.The Korean people were very kind, listening to my brother's story and letting us know what we could do.
We were told that when a new apartment building is built in Korea, new people who have no connection to the area move into the apartment, but that some of the people who live in these new apartments have been living here for a long time, most likely elderly people, and that the best thing to do is to find them and ask them about their past.We felt that this information would be very useful to us, as we were very confused and frustrated.
So my brother and I, along with a Korean lady who felt sorry for us and wanted to help, approached the elderly people who came in and out of the apartment and asked them questions.But despite all our efforts, we were unsuccessful in finding my brother's biological parents.We had many clues and information, but we were unable to find any conclusive evidence.My brother was disappointed, but we were comforted by the fact that we had done our best. Maybe if we could have spent a few weeks, maybe even a few months here to find and talk to an elderly person with memories of the past, we could have found a clue to the solution, but we couldn't stay in Korea, so in the end, we had to give up without proceeding any further.When I saw the look on my brother's face as he said that if he had the chance, he would visit Korea next time for this sole purpose, I felt a great sense of disappointment.“It's a shame that we couldn't find them, but thank you for trying,” he said to me.I couldn't say it anymore.
It would have been great if he could have completed his homework, but he didn't.Contrary to my initial expectations, the Korean adoption agency tried to be as helpful as possible, and I was very grateful to the government officials in the place of my brother's supposed birth, who were very sympathetic to his situation and actively tried to help him, and to the Korean lady who passed by.
Having been treated by the Korean healthcare system in the past, I took this level of care for granted and thought that it was something that everyone could enjoy, but then, when I was a high school student in the U.S., I was seriously ill and did not receive the same care as I did in Korea, so I remember suffering terribly and tried to understand why this difference occurred.
Before I came to Korea, I had already arranged to meet with someone, and although I didn't get to visit any specialized institutions, I was able to meet with Korean college students, and I learned a lot of information from them: medical students, pharmacy students, and I was able to get a lot of information from them.
The Korean healthcare system was different from the U.S. in many ways: it was fast, efficient, and provided a high level of care at a relatively low cost.The quick response and organized system for emergencies was especially impressive.The emergency rooms in Korea were very reasonably priced, allowing people to go to them for minor and mild symptoms.At this point, I thought that if there were a lot of people going to the emergency room for minor symptoms, it would be a problem if someone came in who needed emergency care, but the hospitals in Korea made it very easy to answer that question. I also learned that when a really urgent patient comes in, the emergency room prioritizes the emergency patients and treats them first, ignoring the minor ones. It's so simple and obvious: the doctors have the skills to determine the severity of the patient's condition, and they can prioritize the treatment accordingly.
Not only that, but it was very easy to get an appointment in Korea and the wait time was short. The Korean medical staff emphasized patient care and prompt treatment, and they utilized the latest medical technology and equipment to provide the best possible medical care.
In the U.S., medical care is often very expensive, complicated, and difficult to access quickly, and many people are unable to get proper treatment due to insurance issues.I also received prompt treatment in Korea when I was in middle school without insurance and had to pay a reasonable price, but the experience was a nightmare as I remember being very sick in middle school and high school, and I felt that the Korean system was far superior.I felt that the Korean healthcare system is not for profit, but is dedicated to protecting the health of the people.
Through my experiences in Korea, I learned about a much broader world than what my brother and I knew before.There are many factors that make Korea such a great country, but the culture and system that my brother and I experienced firsthand helped us understand why.And most of all, Korea is the country that made my brother.I have grateful feelings for Korea, which is also my brother's roots.
My brother and I could tell without speaking to each other that through this visit, we saw in each other a willingness to continue to love Korea more and more, and to strive to learn and understand Korean culture.
Korea is now a country that has special meaning to me as an adult, and I think it will be a great pleasure for me to honor my brother's roots and watch Korea develop and grow.I will continue to connect with Korea and try to help more people discover its charms.
And next year, he plans to visit Korea to find his roots once again. He plans to stay in Korea for more than a month, and he will continue his best efforts during that period.