Herpes inside the muouth

In 2017 I fell on my knees. I was going to work, I was late, a lady with large bags was blocking the exit of my carriage on the District line in Victoria station. I stumbled and I fell on both knees, on the choir of a synchronised “Ohhhh” from the other passengers. Somebody picked me up, I didn’t even see who that person was and I was on my feet. So typical English, something I love about this culture, it doesn’t matter how deep you went down, just lift yourself up and you are good as new. Only thing, I wasn’t. At the office both knees started to swell and were very very painful. I called my boyfriend to pick me up. We went to the hospital where nobody found anything wrong, it almost seemed I was inventing the pain. So there started a long battle against the NHS, medications, specialists, transports, cancelling my busy London schedule for the following 6 months, work, sadness, weight gain, etc.
Why did I fall? I didn’t fall because I was late, or because of the cumbersome bags of that lady. I fell because of stress. I had a good job, the team was nice, my boss was cool, the office had showers and lockers, I could cycle to work and get changed there, it was comfortable. But I didn’t want comfort, I wanted challenge! I wanted the excitement of a tough role and this one was boring. My previous job was amazing, I was in charge of two marketing channels at my favourite museum. I loved it there, but I was overworked and underpaid. I had a great mentor, but when she left the new boss clearly hated me, I never understood why. She outright bullied me, pushing me to leave, and I was so tired of working late that I believed all her lies. So instead of reporting her to HR, I ended up accepting a boring job, which anyway lifted my salary by 50%! Less than a month in my new role I had already realised that I was not going to get the experience and the thrill I was looking for, so I started to look around again. For normal people “looking around” probably means checking out Linkedin once a week, but I am a 500% kind of girl, so I started “looking around” night and day. I was calling recruiters during my lunch break, sending applications from the toilet, going to interviews before and after work… It became my second job, much more demanding than the one paying my rent. So I had a boring job, but I was stressed as hell. I was restless, and I fell on my knees.
That was just the beginning The pain was terrible, and doctors were worse, they kept telling me that I was inventing the pain, I hated them for it. I was forced in bed or on crutches, but to them I was hallucinating. Not being able to walk for 6 months really messed me up, my back started to ache, I blocked it several times until only anti-inflammatory injections brought some relief. MRIs were out of the question, over £1000 just for the scan, not counting the specialist’s fee. In the meantime, I changed jobs two or three times, I didn’t like anything, nothing seemed enough. I was hopping around town to attend interviews, swallowing pills, calling cabs because of the pain. It was a nightmare, but I couldn’t stop. My boyfriend kept telling me to let go and settle in any job, but that was only making me more determined. I had no more free time. It was constant anxiety.
Could it be the place? London is a wonderful city, if I had to choose one adjective to describe her, it would be “majestic”. But she’s like a teenager on cocaine, she would take everything from you if you don’t have solid boundaries. In my case, London swallowed my time. I didn’t have any left. I was feeling a tremendous pressure to do more, be more, have more and quickly! I had to be thinner, have more money, a better title, go to events and parties, I HAD TO. I also had to own a property, but the cost of real estate in London is prohibitive, so it was clear that I had to move. My boyfriend - who at that time became my fiance - is French, so we both started to look for openings in France. We liked Italy and Spain too, but nothing came from there. To my surprise, in less than two weeks I got a marketing job in Bordeaux, we were really going to move!
Apnea I moved to France in 2018, the job was complex, it seemed to be the challenge that I was looking for, it was perfect. But my back was a mess, even breathing was hurting. In France I could afford seeing specialists, but some did nothing but pausing my life. I had appointments three times a week, I worked nonstop during the day so I could leave early and see doctors, what a great time. They found two herniated discs in my lower spine, so my connection with the knee injury seemed sci-fi. I was hallucinating again. Almost two years into my new job and I was still unable to spend more than 30 minutes seated without horrible spasms and stabbing pain. I had to lay down, but as it is not possible to do that in an open space in front of everybody, I had to hide in the toilet and rest next to stains of piss and who knows what else. My spirit broke.
Digging deeper and deeper and deeper In January 2020 I woke up with 5 little dots on the side of my right eye. I thought it was spider bites, but a couple of days later I got diagnosed with herpes zoster. My GP forced me home for three weeks, prescribed a ton of pain medications and told me that that was stress crawling out of my body and I had to take a break. I cried so much in front of him. I had no hope, I couldn’t take a break from my body, and my body was in constant pain. I was given the address of an osteopath near home, and the advice to seek psychological help. When I went back to work I had a million things to do, I started feeling that pressure again. My to-do list never actually recovered from those three weeks of sickness.
Like an onion The new osteopath was a magician, we’re still in touch today. He told me that he was going to work on me like an onion, peeling off the layers until we found the source of the pain. We started by talking. I explained my theory of the back pain being caused by the knee injury and he didn't laugh or reply that I was crazy, instead he listened. We talked about all the injuries and the sports of my entire life and then he taught me some exercises to do every day from home. I healed in 2 months. And no, the herniated discs had nothing to do with my pain. Instead, being in bed for 6 months and walking on crutches around London atrophied my muscles. After two years in France I could finally travel the country and go to restaurants and wine bars… ah no wait, covid arrived.
2020 was a good year… I know, covid was terrible, the deaths, the fear, the isolation. But I convinced myself that for me 2020 was great! I healed from chronic back pain, I got married, I finally got to work from home… But I was unquestionably depressed. The past years between work, stress and pain had dug a crack in my soul. I couldn’t recognise myself in the mirror, I felt like an empty husk. On top of that covid made my job a living nightmare. My assistant left, I had millions of extra campaigns every week, tons of new regulations to learn. Many colleagues left, others were fired. That pressure had become a pneumatic hammer in my ears. I started seeing a therapist, an Italian girl more or less my age. I was sceptical initially, I approached therapy like work: a task, a project to complete efficiently and quickly. I found her because I was looking for something fast and effective, and I read about CBT. She accepted me as a patient, and when I asked how long until I was healed she said that since my life was full of pain it would have taken a bit longer than usual. Therapy was like finally someone switched on a light on my darkness, I could see what was happening! And once I understood what was going on I thought I could manage it on my own.
Severing connections, frying circuits 2021 started with a growing feeling of loss. I had just got married, but I was feeling so lonely. All the people I connected with in my almost 3 years in France had moved and my other friends were spread across the globe. To amplify the feeling, in February my grandfather died, and there were no planes for me to go say goodbye or reunite with my family. One morning in March, I switched on my work laptop, began my day and suddenly I saw all white. I thought that it was already some time since I started having this strange symptom: while looking at the screen suddenly my peripheral vision would go blurry and white. And then I realised that actually it was a while since I started having a lot of strange symptoms, from dizziness to urticaria. I wasn’t sleeping much, I had lost a lot of weight, my hands were always shaking, and another long long list of strange feelings including the most unsettling one: not recognising myself in the mirror. I talked with my GP and one year after the herpes zoster he forced me home again, this time for two months, with the taunting diagnosis: burnout. Two months became six and I was not better at all, actually it went worse. Even thinking about work was making me feel sick. The smallest stressor, like a rude lady at the supermarket, could crush me. I started seeing my therapist again. Eventually the company called me and we agreed on me leaving the job. It was not an easy choice, even if I felt relieved once I signed the papers.
My (big) break It happened to me in the past to take time off work, a month, maybe two or even three, but this was going to be epic! I was home already for 6 months, and I had completely lost track of reality. I was living inside a bubble where I wasn’t me and reality didn’t feel real. But the irony in taking a break from your life is that life doesn’t really take a break from you, strangely enough, things keep happening! So during my break I had to transform into an architect to manage the renovation of our new home, bought before the final short-circuit. I also had to become a bit of a lawyer to navigate the different legislations about sick leave, chomage, CPAM money claims, etc. I invented myself as an accountant to figure out why my taxpayer profile didn’t exist. And since there weren’t enough irons on the fire, one of my two cats, Kali, died under a car, so that really helped dig another hole in my heart. In this same period, my husband and I also discovered to have fertility problems, but that’s material for a different article. To sum up, the first year of break was no break at all.
A year and a half off work In summer 2022 something happened: my bubble exploded. Quite suddenly I started remembering things that happened during the previous years that I had completely forgotten. It was like recalling a dream, the timeline was totally mixed-up. But I was finally waking up, I was me again even if that person was someone new. I felt energy coming back, I felt alive and I started planning how to build a new path forward. I met several times with counsellors at Apec and Pole Emploi, and all these appointments highlighted one thing: my career as a marketing employee was over. I had no plans of repeating that sad show of waking up on Monday morning yearning for the weekend to start again. Tests like Myers-Briggs and MAPP showed potential for many different jobs. But I didn’t want to throw away years of studies and work experience, I had to find a compromise, so I went back to the roots. I ended up in marketing because I am a creative person, not an economist. My journey started with website creation and community management, and I really enjoyed that! Also, I didn’t like what marketing per se had become, all the brainwashing and consumerism doesn’t represent me. Bombarding people with ads and slogans disgusts me and I know that many people see it the same way. The foundations for Bee l’Abeille du Marketing started here.
Rewiring It’s been three years since I fried my brain. I’m fine now, but things have changed. Some emotions are not felt the same as before, other feelings are not as clear anymore, I have to think before feeling. But I’m good, I slowed down, I took that break and I can recognise when too much is too much. Rewiring my brain also meant finding another way forward, and I had great help. From my therapist to my GP and the osteopath who listened! Apec was wonderful, they really helped me understand my nature and how to go back being part of society without burning myself out again. I discovered that I could have been an artist! Pole Emploi, Adie and the Bordeaux team at Passerelles et Competences gave me the confidence of launching myself into a new venture. My friends and family, my cat Miso, all participated in my recovery. My husband was so supportive, he is the best of all humans, I couldn’t have made it without him. I realised how stupid I was years before; he was telling me to slow down and I didn’t listen. And when I got hurt, he was there, tending to my shattered spirit. Overall I think I was very lucky: my body shut down, but that forced me to change. Some live in constant anxiety and don’t have this fortune, they just keep going. Also, I had this network of people who helped me even from far away, they felt close despite different cultures and time zones. Thank you.
What helped I am a creative person, but I have a very analytical mind. I need to understand things. So I read a lot of articles, I learned terms such as adrenal fatigue and vagus nerve dysfunction. I came to realise that what happened to me was very tangible, and that it was self-inflicted. Understanding the science behind it helped me recognise that I had to stop feeling guilty about what I was not. No one is perfect and I had to allow the idea that I wasn’t going to be perfect either. So I let go of that pounding pressure that accompanied me for so many years. Not working helped, but I didn’t like it, I felt like a burden to society. So I went from spending 12 hours a day on my laptop to cleaning the house, cooking, tidying up, etc. But that wasn’t healthy either. I pay taxes after all, I can be a burden sometimes! Unfortunately though, I reached the opposite side of that coin. For a while I could not lift myself from bed. At this stage I hated when people around me pushed me to make an effort. But it actually really helped. Little by little I was leaving the house on my own again. CBT worked like magic. It made me understand my feelings and this taught me how to use them, when to listen and when to let them go. I was given tools to associate thoughts and sentiments, to identify and shut down dangerous ideas and live happier. Talking with career consultants highlighted my best skills. I realised that I could do a lot of different jobs and this encouraged me to test myself in different environments and re-discover self-confidence. Painting was another way to let go of the anxiety. Sometimes I would paint non-stop, one subject after the other, just to let out the stress. It was like meditation.
What did not help At the beginning of my journey into disconnectedness I was prescribed medications. Everybody told me that I had nothing to fear, meds were just a little help to go through the worst time. So I tried, for three long days, and then I stopped them when all the possible side effects had come up. I even stopped peeing for one full day, like the most rare side effect of all. I understood that this was a process I had to do on my own, without chemical support. Some of the people around me understood what was happening inside of me, or even if they didn’t, they figured out that I was not well. However, not everyone got it, and I perceived a lot of anger (or perhaps jealousy?) from those who saw me as an opportunist and a liar. I had to prove my condition to a series of specialists, and that really hurt. Every expertise was like going back hundreds of years, falling hard on my butt and having to get up again. Any contact with my previous job was like being stabbed. I had to ask work friends and ex colleagues not to contact me for a while, thankfully they understood.
The lesson In a nutshell that would be “listen-to-husband”, but it is slightly more complex than that. I learned that no matter how strong we think we are, there is always something that could break us. We have to be aware, we have to carefully listen to our body because nature always knows what’s best for us. Our body loves us. I learned that humans are amazing. We have incredible resources within ourselves, we can heal from awful traumas and grow stronger than ever! I learned that work is overrated. Our society incites us to compete and to accumulate items and titles and prestige that taken alone mean absolutely nothing. A walk in the forest is worth millions of “Head of Marketing” positions. I learned that it is never too late to change life. In my journey back to reality, I met people of all ages converting to something new. From 30-something like me to others close to retirement who always wanted to be someone else and they finally decided to make that happen at 62. Follow what you love, and be true about it. Finally, I am still learning this now: time is never lost. Everything happens at once after all, right?

Snothead has Herpes. He’s 12 and I finally found a supplement that works for him. I have to give it at the same time to keep him well. Sometimes I am sick and I give it to him in the evening or I forget to give it. The next day his eye has a teardrop and he has a drip from him nose. I catch it the next day but it’s too late. He get sneezing and the tear is no longer clear. Reddish tinge. His snot gets thicker. He starts sneezing fits around day 4 then it is huge green thick snot coming out when he sneezes. I know gross! But some of you know what this is. That snot is permanent. You will need a chisel to get it off when you find it. He is a disgusting snot head for 2 days and then it’s gone. He is fine and back to normal. I feel awful when I fail him. This happens only a few times. I went out of town last month. I had friends take over while I was gone for 4 days. It’s been 4 weeks and he had a little clear tearing and clear very little drippy clear nose. But the eye kept getting worse. It is not going away. My mobile vet wasn’t too concerned but gave me ointment. He still has the inside corner eyelid, just below the eyelid is not healing. Just a little crust forms but when I wash his face I can see it’s raw ish. Do you all have any suggestions? I’ve heard colloidal silver helps but I have no idea how to use it. I bought some but now I see it’s only oral. If anyone here has suggestions please comment. He has a vet treating him for weak back end neurological issues and that is going great. But I can’t get him over this eye problem. She wants to try a non steroid ointment next. Thank you for reading this far. It’s gross info but we are here so most of you get it