The rift between them has caused a lot of tension in my family and now my mom wants to be in the life of her newborn grandson but refuses to address or try to mend things with my wife.
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.
How do I mend this relationship between my wife and my mother?

The two-year anniversary of the breakup is really looming over me - it will be May 23rd. Somehow I keep feeling that it’s a kind of milestone, that I need to find closure by then, or make some dramatic gesture, or take some significant action.
Part of me just wants it to be over with and passed, with me having done nothing and said nothing to anyone but my therapist and Reddit. The goal is just to keep my head down, to act as much as possible like it’s any other day, and just keep doing the work of trying to rebuild my life one day at a time. The more I ponder what I long for when I wish for closure, the more I’m convinced that closure is something I can’t have except by time passing.
I miss the innocence of when Clive and I were just platonic friends, when I could still think he was a wonderful person I was lucky to get to hang out with. I miss hanging out with Oonagh, and him, and John at their house. I spent two Christmases with them. At least it’s true that the long battle with grief has beaten a lot of the nostalgia out of me. I don’t remember the good times well enough to miss them as much as I used to - the horror of the breakup, and of him telling me he’d never cared about me and was just using me the whole time, has been at the forefront of my consciousness for two years now.
But I just feel like my psyche is playing all these weird tricks on me where the breakup-anniversary is concerned. I know it’s all a mirage and an illusion - the two-year mark, objectively, has no significance. One of the tricks it’s playing on me is this sense that if I can just get past it without doing or saying anything crazy to anyone, I can breathe more freely, and make a new start at putting it behind me.
I did two tarot readings this week, one yesterday and one today. Yesterday I asked, “How should I regard the upcoming anniversary of the breakup?” I did a four-card “situation reading” spread. The top card, the heart of the matter, was the Two of Pentacles. This is the card of someone trying to juggle and balance things against a background of a roiling sea. It’s a symbol of having to handle a lot of things all at once and balance competing demands. Which is accurate, between work and parenting and trying to have a social life and heal from trauma and improve my fitness and eat and sleep and keep two households running in two states, and keep to a meticulous habit of budgeting and tracking my financial accounts.
The three “contributing factors” cards underneath were the Queen of Cups, the Chariot, and the Ace of Pentacles. The Queen of Cups is clearly meant to be me - sensitive and perceptive, with knowledge, experience, and authority. Her perceptiveness helps heal others, but her sensitivity cuts both ways, making her vulnerable as well as powerful. The Chariot represents strength of will and determination, the potential for movement and triumph. The Ace of Pentacles is a very lucky card - a beginning, like all the aces, with the potential for great prosperity or a windfall of wealth. So, I think the tarot was telling me that it’s going to be a rough period of time with a lot for me to handle. The energy I bring to it is that of a perceptive person who is powerful and has healing gifts, but who is also very vulnerable for the same reasons she is powerful. I have the power to get through this difficult period with strength of will, and when I do it will be the start of a period of prospering in body and soul.
Today, I kept imagining scenarios where I would try to speak up about what Clive did, in order to protect others. I asked the tarot, “If I spoke up again about what happened, could I help protect others without excessive harm to myself or putting myself in too much danger?”
This time the heart of the matter was the Nine of Cups - the card of the heart’s wishes being granted. The three contributing factor cards were the Hierophant, the Two of Wands, and Temperance. This seems like, overall, a very positive reading. The Hierophant is about learning and finding a teacher. The Two of Wands is about vision and determination, making a decision based on courage and will rather than emotions (cups), logic (swords), or practical considerations (pentacles). And Temperance is about exercising restraint and self-control. I think what’s it’s telling me is that yes, I can speak my truth and try to protect others. But, I have to keep trying to learn more, to listen and continue trying to understand - I have to have the humility to realize I have blind spots and gaps of knowledge, so I need to stay open-minded. I need to be courageous and determined to do right by people, and I need to act with restraint and patience, waiting until the time is right. I can speak up, but maybe not right now - I have to wait until the time is right and make sure I’m choosing the right people to communicate with in the most effective way. If I do all this, I can have my heart’s wish, to protect others while also not endangering myself or setting back my own healing.
I was a little confused initially about how to interpret this reading, and thought maybe it was giving me a green light to reach out to Oonagh and ask her for a conversation. But when I sat down to try to think what I could say to her, I couldn’t get out a letter I was happy with, and in writing it, it was all too clear that trying to communicate with her that way would be disastrous and pointless. I remembered all the reasons why I decided I couldn’t trust her and felt that talking more with her could do no good. So I posted the letter in UnsentLetters, because it’s very therapeutic to not send such letters, and to post them on Reddit instead.

So, I've kind of posted about this in other threads, specifically on askreddit, but by some users request, I will do my best to fully relay this entire tale up to the current point, as well as provide as much context I am able (and will provide missing context if asked in comments).
TL;DR
A friend of mine of 4 years drank himself into liver failure and his wife cheated on him, so I offered him a free room to try and put his life back together, and I was repaid for the thought with a divorce of my own, but honestly, it's probably not that bad.
Part 1: CONTEXT
Me and my wife have been together since early 2014, and married in late 2017. We have been through much together, including two extended deployments, one of which was 10 and a half months long. We have traveled the world together, lived on both coasts of the US, and despite much of our struggles and how things eventually went down, I was always convinced we would work as a team to overcome any issues.
The friend in question was, largely, an online friend. We met playing an MMO during covid and we quickly formed a very tight knit, but small, community that were very close that included me, my wife, my friend, his wife, and 4 other friends. Covid was a wild time and I was surprised how easy it was to form friends in this group and we kept in touch, as a whole, even once quarantine had ended and most of us had moved on from that particular game. This was a group that, while it started online, we have met most of these people several times IRL and had vacations to spend time together and just hang out.
Part 2: His Problems
Fast forward to about January of 2024. My buddy, from here on out I will refer to as Z (and for a quick add, I will refer to my wife as D), contacts us to tell us his condition is dire and he has been diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver as a consequence of his extensive drinking. Shaken, we quickly charter a flight out to visit. Within a week, we're staying with him and his wife and his roommate and a couple members of his family who are taking care of him. This man is bloated, yellow, and probably about 350lbs now. We are worried, but stay supportive and positive that help can be found, especially since he seems keen on changing his lifestyle for the better. Some of his family start a gofundme that we donate to, and many of the people in our gaming circle who have grown close also donate several thousand dollars (One member of our raid team donated 10k. You never know who is stealth rich on the internet I guess). Me and several other friends discuss the possibilities of helping him get on disability and even getting ourselves tested as compatible living donors. Sad, but hopeful, we depart about a week later, and stay in constant touch.
About a month later, I'm getting a call from one of our mutuals letting me know that "Hey, so I may have goofed up." and tells me how Z's wife had visited him and had a 3 way with him and his wife. I am obviously irate at this and turn to back Z up with comments like "So much for in sickness and in health, huh?" I do what I can to stay supportive, and my wife, D, also makes it a point to stay in touch with him as he has found himself banished to the couch of his apartment. Not even allowed to sleep in his own bed and frequently uncomfortable even being in his bedroom to use the PC.
I'm not particularly rich, but I am not poor either. I served in the military and have a high VA rating which means a constant income and have a steady job and a couple side gigs that pay well enough. My love language, in many ways, is gift giving. I pride myself on being able to pick a good gift, even if it's a little early for an occasion such as a bday or christmas, and will often pull the trigger on something if it means a lot or I think it will help. In this case, my brother was selling an old steam deck because he wanted a new OLED model, so I figured "two birds, one stone", and buy the steam deck off him and send it to Z so we can still game together.
In the intervening months, Z and D start playing games that I have no interest in (Disney Dreamlight Valley), but I am happy to play other games and hang out and chat. Really, nothing seems amiss, but since his banishment, me and my wife are both pushing for him to come and take up the spare bedroom we have in our home. Soon enough, I buy him a plane ticket and he arrives with little more than the clothes on his back and we take him in, no cost other than the expectation that he might help around the house a bit (he was a chef, so having a cook and someone to help clean was ideal for me who often did not have the time or energy to handle these tasks as thoroughly as I would like).
Part 3: The Incident
Now, I am skipping ahead a little bit here, but there's not much to be said about the time between. My wife worked part time hours, and when she did go to work, she'd have him tag along just so he wouldn't "Sit and stew with bad thoughts" at the house alone. I will admit that throughout this entire ordeal, I have had several, several times where my brain tried to warn me, but I ignored ALL of those signs because I trusted him, but more importantly, I trusted her with my life.
One new, frequent argument I found myself having with her was she would fall asleep on the couch, and when I finally tried to go to bed, I'd do my best to wake her and drag her upstairs. These became extremely frequent occurrences and I expressed to her how frustrated I was that I had to fight with her just to come to bed so we could sleep (mind you, this is not even about sex. Often I'm taking her to bed at like, 1am and I work at 7, so I really just wanted her to be sleeping in the bed). Hell, one time, I started catching the vibes that the longer I sat and waited for her to be ready to go upstairs, she just never would be, because they were waiting for me to leave so they could talk in hushed tones. On THAT particular night, I went upstairs alone with her finally awake, and she did not join me for another half hour.
Finally, the day arrives. Its Sunday. We are all downstairs hanging out. One of their newest habits I can't really stand but just dealt with is that she'd sit and crochet while he doomscrolled or strummed on a guitar I bought him and listen to music videos on youtube endlessly. Eventually, I grow weary and give my wife a kiss and tell her I'm gonna go upstairs and play some GW2 for a bit.
About an hour passes, and she enters the game room and tells me "I am uncomfortable. I really need to talk to you. Oh, you're dying!" (As she entered the room, I immediately turn face to talk to her and disregard the game, but she decided that my Charr was more important that what was about to happen, so she of course warns me.) We step into the bedroom and close the door.
"You're going to hate me," she says through tears, "me and Z kissed!" At this point, my brain short circuits and I recall one of my first thoughts being "Oh lord, here we go." and just a general desire to not be a part of this conversation. Shock sets in almost immediately. Still with a healthy dose of denial, I talk to her about what had happened and told her that it needed to end. Even at this point, I did not want to send this man home. Was it shock? Denial? Probably a mixture of the two, or some other additional emotional responses. She gets up after some discussion and goes downstairs, promising to shut him down, but comes back about 15 minutes later sobbing "I couldn't do it! I couldn't end it..." (Side note: In my confused haze of a mind, I feel personally threatened, and after she leaves the bedroom, I lock the door and grab a metal water cub I keep at my side and prepare to actually fight if it comes to it, but once she returns, I back off that idea again.)
Talking with her more, I present her with two options; Couple's therapy, or divorce. BOTH of these options are world ending to her, and she even goes so far as to suggest that just because I said the "D word" that it was what I wanted, which was objectively untrue. We talk back and forth about things I don't quite recall at this point, aside from one point where she comes back and locks herself in the master bath and tells me to call 911, she doesn't care, because she's going to take a bunch of pills, but after a couple of hours, Z shows up to the door and knocks and asks if he can come in. I tell him he may enter, and we talk for a bit. After about 5ish minutes, we decide to go downstairs to the living room and continue the discussion.
Once I sit down on the sofa, I immediately feel like I'm being positioned as the bad guy. I'm in the corner of our sectional, and she's on my left, he's on my right. She tells him "He said it's either a divorce or couple's therapy." "Oh, so he gave you an ultimatum?" I continue to argue that yes, those are the two only options. Z tells me "You're not being fair to her emotions. She is telling you there is another option." I am thoroughly baffled at this statement.
D: I didn't think it was possible and I didn't mean for it to happen, but I have fallen in love with another man. My heart has room for two. I truly have two soulmates. I have never been happier than sleeping on the couch next to my two boys.
Z: There is no reason you guys can't stay married, and we can explore what we've found. I mean, look at how happy she has been since I have been here!
Sick to my stomach, I get up to go vomit in the toilet. Now, I wore a silicone wedding ring, and often find even with a hand wash, a little water tends to get trapped under it. After I finish and wash myself up, I come back and am playing with my ring to dry it. She sees this as a sign that I am uncomfortable again wearing my ring, and takes off her ring as I sit back down and hands me her wedding ring.
Me: Uh, excuse me?
D: This is what you want, I can tell.
Me: No? I was washing my hands and water gets stuck under my ring...
D: Oh... I thought... okay. (And she takes back her ring from me)
I tell her, very clearly, the options are to either end things with him, or end things with me. At this point, I'm still in shock, but sober in mind enough to decide that this is not worth fighting over. I will not argue with my own wife my merits or why she shouldn't just pack up and leave with a jobless, now essentially homeless man, and if she cannot figure that out herself then I will eventually move on.
Crying, sobbing, she sits down in front of him and says, "I'm so sorry, I fought for you. I really did. I told you I'd fight for you and I failed. I loved being your girlfriend, but I need to be a good wife and stay."
Z says "Alright." and starts to go gather his things to leave. As he does, she grabs him and says "No, wait! Please don't go. I don't know what I want."
Z: Ok, well if we're getting all this out in the open, I want to say this. I love this girl. I love her with my whole heart, and without her, life is not worth living. I will not leave this house if you (me) tell me to. Only her. You are taking this very well right now, I can tell you want to hit me (Still in shock, no, I can genuinely say that emotion or thought had not actually registered outside of the event upstairs earlier), but this is my stand.
D: OP, we had a good run. I'm sorry.
And with that, I get up and go to get my sandals and leave the house to get some air. As I try to go, she runs to the door and he follows her. She pushes the door closed and says "No wait, please!"
Me: No, this is the deal. I'm going out to get some fresh air. I am not threatening self harm to "win you back".
D: Will you be back?
Me: I don't know.
Z: Man, I'm telling you, you don't understand, you think I am your enemy, but I am not.
And with that, I leave and shut the door.
In the about, hour, I am gone, I drive around near the house and I call my supervisor who I have a very good relationship with (and I did not want to involve direct friends or family yet because I'm afraid it's too early to start spreading this news). I go over to her house nearby and we chat shortly. After our talk, I have at least something of a clear head and go home, with words for both of them.
As I arrive home, there is no one downstairs. I go upstairs. His door is closed. I knock on the door.
Z: Uh, one second.
I wait for about 5 agonizing seconds, but I refuse to be shut out of rooms in my own home and open the door. He is shirtless, and she is hiding in the corner just out of sight of me. I look him in the eye.
Me: Really?
Z: Yep.
Me: Get out of my house.
And with that, they both silently pack their things and leave.
The second I hear the front door close, I start calling people. I am not above pettiness, and the first person I call is her mom, whom I have a good relationship with. She is SHAKEN and immediately calls her. (I find out later that it was a particularly harsh verbal beating by her, but it really doesn't change anything.)
When I come downstairs to check the state of the house, I see her wedding ring on the counter. I call out of work the next day and lay down and hope I die.
Part 4: Her Problems
So, there is some additional context that I did not add in part 1 because a lot of it is red flags I ignored over the course of our relationship that, in the days following, started to become more and more obvious. There are many that I spent much effort playing off or covering her for, but I will try to briefly list much of what I see as glaring issues in the relationship that were never remedied.
This woman is 30 years old and cannot drive. She can drive and HAS driven my vehicle at the start of the relationship (albeit illegally), but after one tiny little accident where she hit a pole and knocked my side mirror off (which she paid for and fixed before telling me, it really wasn't a big deal. I was on deployment), she never drove again. Attempts to get her behind the wheel would end very quickly after they started, and the conditions to get her in the seat were often extremely time limited, scheduled, or something would come up, and every time I told her "okay, this month we're getting your license for sure" it just wouldn't happen and I'd end up feeling like the one who was at fault.
She does not have her Bachelor's degree because she did not turn in her final project for one single class. Not only that, but she has never truly pursued a career with the things she learned from the coursework, or even used her AA.
For half of the relationship, she did not work at all. When she did, it was often part time work, and if she was saddled with full time hours or, god forbid, overtime, it was a world-ending affair. She would come home and constantly be tired from her few hours at work and would do little more than sit around and crochet.
Our agreement when we bought our house was that she was going to work full time and we were going to split household duties, but I would definitely scoop the cat box because she was allergic (but she wanted cats) and wash dishes (because she hated them), and she would do laundry (because I hated it). In practice, all her version of laundry turned out to be was to throw loads in when one of us was out of clothes and just hit wash and then rotate, and then leave all the clothes in a pile on the bed. EVERYONE KNOWS folding the laundry is the worst part! Come on! Men's clothes are easy! I don't wear that much! (When we would fold, I often finished in a third of her time and would just hang out and chat until she was done)
Ultimately, this meant that for many years now, she was working barely more than part time if she was working at all, and would sort-of do laundry. Meanwhile, I am scooping litter, folding laundry, doing dishes, doing all related yard work, doing all the household cleaning, handling all the finances, I did MOST of the cooking, and all of the grocery shopping (often going alone), driving her from work if I could (she'd uber it if not) and picking her up and driving her home, as well as just generally being a chauffeur for her for 10 years, while working a full time job and a side gig online. Many nights I'd have to stop what I was doing to pick her up at closing hours, and then would sit in the parking lot for 30 minutes while she did tasks like vacuum her little crystal shop that she definitely could have done before close so I didn't end up waiting so damn long. Then we'd come home hang out and eat while we watched TV, and then if I wanted to try and go upstairs to do another hobby, I'd be silently guilted about it because she wanted to sit on the couch and crochet.
Part 5: My Problems
I am not perfect, and admit I have flaws. One of her favorite things to claim to our friends now is that I was "emotionally neglectful", and if there is truth to it, I think I can pin down the day. Before I started working full time again, I was going to school on the 9/11 GI bill. I was not a good student in my younger years, but in time, I have become rather good at school. My first two semesters back I easily maintained a 4.0 GPA. Over the summer in 2022, I, woefully, decided to take a Calc 2 class online because I could not find one in person and wanted to be ready for Calc 3 in the Fall to fill a prereq for my bachelor's, and I really liked the instructor for that Calc 3 class. This calc 2 class was painful. The instructor had clearly recorded all his lectures during Covid and we were simply given the full course of videos and given work assignments and said "Email me if you have questions." This is not how I learn, but I figured, hey, it's one class. I'm working again, but one class isn't a huge deal. I can knock this out.
I was wrong.
After the second exam, I had a low C in the class and I knew I couldn't keep up. I withdrew from the class feeling no other option. I tend to be pretty good at math, and ultimately my dream was to work with 3d printing on an industrial scale with a Mechanical Engineering degree- and if that failed I had my military history (which is engineering relevant) and a degree to fall back on and work should come easily. After clicking that withdraw button, I saw those dreams vaporize. After that, I threw myself into my government civilian job full time and slowly fell into depression. By the end of our relationship, with the toll of doing 99% of the work around the house and for her and with my dreams dead and buried, at age 33, I would wake up and pray I died. I would never kill myself, but I wanted to just die. I felt backed into a corner. I still did everything I could to support her and hoped that one day, she would pick up some of the load and maybe, just maybe, I could go back, but that day did not come (At least not in the way I expected).
Part 6: The Aftermath
This post is already too long, and if I include every single detail that has come to light since, I might actually hit the post cap, but I will go over at least some of it here.
I have had my friends come out in droves. Both of them have been effectively exiled, at least from what I can see, from every friend circle we have. After a couple of days, they flew back to live with, I guess, his parents in Vegas while they sorted shit out, because after I spoke with Z's previous roommate, he adamantly explained he was tired of all the "fucking drama" that Z had been bringing into the house and was just done with it.
I have spoken with many, many people and gotten even more context and even receipts of some of each of their conversations to our mutual friends, and some of the shit I read is just hilarious. He is "not ashamed of pursuing happiness, he is just sad that people got hurt". She is "coming to terms with emotional neglect and felt trapped, but now, yes now, she is free."
I got my neighbors to watch the cats, and took my dog up to visit my closest friend of 20 years and spent about a week and a half drinking, smoking, and talking about all this while surrounded by some of the most beautiful nature the US has to offer. Truly, without this man, I don't think I'd have gotten this far as quickly as I have. He really has been a lifesaver and I truly, to my dying day, will always appreciate him.
Paperwork has been filed, we wish to remain on good terms, and one day I still do hope I can be a friend to her, but she is woefully immature and incapable of adequately performing in an adult society. I have quit my job and am returning to school with a much lighter budget and will be getting that degree I desperately need.
It's been hard, real hard. I have put every ounce of my being into this relationship, and I truly felt like she was part of me, and nothing like this could ever happen. But it's that trust that allowed this to happen. I do not hate her, I'm just disappointed. I will pick up my pieces and, hopefully, find myself whole again soon.
Part 7: Rambling anecdotes
These are some stories I wanted to include in the previous body of text but didn't feel like it kept the same flow (if there even is any at all, I'm not proofreading this). If I remember any others after I post, Ill just toss them in the comments.
Early after Z came to live with us, my mother came to the house to drop off a package. I am pretty sure I was at work, but when my mother came to the door, both of them answered the door and the way my mom describes it "First of all, do you answer the door at your friends house? Also, the way he hovered over her made me uncomfortable. They were in the doorway and he was right up behind her poking his head out." She said my wife had told her that I was feeling unwell and was upstairs sleeping. I can't even be sure at this point.
Shortly before all the things happened, my parents were going out of town to celebrate their own anniversary, and I had agreed to dog-sit their 5 month old puppy (who, while cute, has WAY too much energy and was EXTREMELY difficult to handle, and I have raised several dogs at this point). We met up and took the dog, and then ALL of us (including Z) went to dinner. At dinner, my mother looked at my wife and asked, directly "And so how long have you been married? 6, almost 7 years? Well at least you missed that 7 year itch, huh" and my wife shortly followed with a comment about how she was not hungry and did not eat dinner that night.
All of this happened WHILE THIS CRAZY PUPPY was running around the house, and part of me thinks he pushed this to happen when it did because he could not stand having to help take care of this dog any longer (2 days).
About a week after all this happened, my wife did not text or call me, or respond to any messages or emails I sent her (I didn't send many, but they exist). Frustrated, I text her and tell her I need to talk to her about logistics moving forward, specifically about her belongings. She told me "I will talk to you when I am ready." We did not talk for another week. Also, she told me to stop talking to her mom. (I have a good relationship with both of my in-laws and while her step-father tried to remain impartial to the best of his abilities, he gave me some of the best advice I could possibly have gotten at that time, mostly about how to move forward and cope, as he has personally dealt with this with smaller relationships 3 separate times in his life which he gave me details on, and we are still on good terms.)
Their favorite TV show to watch together was Outlander, which, if you aren't aware, is basically a story about a woman who time travels and has two men in her life.
One of our biggest constant points of contention was my friendship with an old high school buddy (who I spent much of the time in the aftermath hanging out with while healing). We believe, with good reason, that she hated this man because after I had almost been hospitalized for psych reasons due to stress, he had told me I needed to talk to her about working again and doing more to help around the house. She figured out, obviously, who was telling me to say these things, and sent a very, very angry text to his wife. They all apparently made up, but I know she never let that grudge go.
One of the fairly recent hobbies I got into was D&D. It seemed like a good fit for all of us. She loved fantasy and gaming, I enjoyed 3d printing and story telling. She needed friends, and a party of people hangin out would give her at least a few connections to start. Every night she "participated" in D&D, she mostly sat quiet and did not do anything. Hell, I tried to get her to participate in 2 different games, and after she left the first one, she asked to just sit quietly in the discord call (This first one was online only, second was in person) and listen, which was super awkward. In the in person game, after 3 months of playing, she did not know how to play her character at all, and mostly spent her time at the table crocheting. (My buddy even made a comment about how at one point, he was proud of how good I was getting at DMing and I was giving particularly good exposition, and she interrupted me to hand another player at the table a dice bag she made. I don't remember it, but I absolutely believe this happened.)
The day of "the incident", she had a meltdown about how a friend of hers had ghosted her. I told her it was okay, she was much younger anyway and people grow apart. She's probably going through stuff and we should respect that path she's on. She cried about how she has no friends.
Also the day of "the incident", we were in the shower together and she told me she had met her sister's new BF on facetime. I asked "why did she break up with her old one?" "Well... she cheated on him." "Oh, that's a shame. Cheating is probably the most cowardly act a person can do to another. If you're going to start a new relationship, you need to grow a pair and end it before starting a new one." She clearly took my words to heart.
One of my biggest pet peeves about cleaning the house is our dog sheds, a lot. If I see a hairball roll through the house it immediately drains me a bit. We had a roomba. She would send that thing home when it started and never start it again. It barely ran. She would not vacuum.
One of the most common descriptors of her I've heard used by many people now that they're "allowed to" is "She was there, doing the thing with us, but it was like she wasn't there."
Something she thought that I apparently hadn't figured out by the time we talked after everything happened was that they had been talking since February. I told her I wasn't stupid and had figured it out already that this wasn't out of the blue.
Z's wife is currently pregnant with the baby of the man she cheated on him with. (And he is also married)
Anything else I remember Ill leave for comments, I know there is much, much more.

My first anniversary with my husband is coming soon and I don’t know what to get him. I have been looking for a month and I haven’t found something he doesn’t already have. That man literally has everything a man needs.
Any gift suggestions please!!

He is a business owner. He makes enough to cover his rent and basic bills ( although he pays them late) but is also not making any effort on his own to make more money so we can do fun things (go on dates, eat out, or even just have a savings). I'm very understanding because he deals with some mental health. But recently I've been having rough conversations with him; I'm asking if he should not just go back to the workforce since business is not working out enough. He doesn't want to do this or just wants to take minimum wage jobs. He’s of the opinion that he’s paying rent and basic bills and that since I cover everything else (including lending him money for fun; that’s all he needs)
I've even created a resume for him, and applied to places I think he would fit. I stopped doing this recently because I’m not his mom. I don’t get birthday, anniversary or any gifts. When he does extra money for projects he spends it on himself. It's been months of him telling me he will do stuff but he spends the day fucking around at home (and drinking) after doing business.
I feel misled and also feel like a man of this age should be a bit more responsible for himself. He talks about our future and marriage but l've never been less attracted to him. If this is my future with him I don’t want it. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable about my requests and I don’t care what job he does as long as it’s a working job that pays bills on time. Conversations aren’t working because he says what I want to hear but there’s no action. I can’t live by myself or move back home because I moved out here to be with him and this is also my first serious/long term relationship. I’m just really frustrated and don’t know where to go from here. How do I get him to try more?

So this is a long one. Like, I'm going back over it and damn. This is longer than I thought it would be. Throwaway account, I've only made one other post to this relating to what's going on. Instead of updating the other post, I figured I'd make a separate one about the whole shit show I experienced, and the shit circus I uncovered and avoided. I'll try to keep this in as chronological an order as I can.
As the title says, my abusive/narc mom and pos/delusional/golden child brother started trying to reach out to me a few months ago wanting to make amends and build bridges with me again. There were a few people that commented on my previous post in another subreddit that may be a little disappointed in me for how I handled this, and a few that might enjoy that I handled it the way I did. Someone commented to not let them use my good nature. My nature is dependent on who I'm dealing with, and when it comes to that side of my family, I'm more stick than carrot. So their attempts did not go ignored, and did not go unpunished.
Growing up, I was always closer with my Dad than my mom. My brother was the epitome of "pampered mamma's boy". He started having seizures as a child and was diagnosed with epilepsy, which I thought was why my mom babied the absolute fuck out of him long into adulthood. He would go a year or 2 without any seizures, and then there would be a few months where he'd be having them every other day. At Anytime he got in trouble at home or school, my mom would find a way to blame me, for not making sure he knew whatever he was doing would get him in trouble, or she would blame my dad for not being "involved enough in their baby's life." My dad was in the Navy and I remember any time he'd deploy, I'd dread every day until he came back. My brother would taunt me that he knew whatever he did, I'd be the one to get in trouble for it. My dad would always make things up for me when he got back from his deployments though. We'd often have weekend trips just the 2 of us. And then around my 12th birthday, my mom insisted on sitting us all down and explain to that she and my dad were getting a divorce. We got the whole talk about how they still love us and they just can't be together anymore, etc. my dad told us both that he still loved us and he would be there for us whenever we needed him. He explained that he would be moving out, but he would be by to pick us up to spend the weekends with us. I was nervous and honestly scared of what it would be like without him. But I was looking forward to the weekend when I got to see him again. That never happened though, and that was the last time I ever got to see him.
Right before his weekend with us, my mom explained to us that my dad didn't want anything to do with us anymore. There was some news story about a father that killed his kids when he had custody of them and she used that to terrify my brother and convince him that our dad wanted to kill us to start his life over. We left damn near everything behind and moved in with my mom's brother in Florida (from Virginia) a couple days before my dad was supposed to come get us. After that, she went to great lengths to make sure we had no contact from him.
Years went on, my mom seemed more indifferent towards me than ever. She never seemed interested in anything I did unless my brother also seemed interested in it. She didn't show any interest in my wanting to learn guitar until my brother also showed interest in it. Then we got one guitar that we had to share, I'd take lessons on the condition that I taught my brother whatever I learned in them. My brother eventually wound up breaking the guitar and I was blamed for not storing it in the case it came with. I had to share my N64 with him whenever he wanted to play it. I was playing perfect dark one day and having a hard time killing the skedar leader at the end of the game. My brother burst into the room saying he wanted to play his MegaMan game, to which I just replied "give me a minute, this boss fight is hard, once I'm done you can have your turn" He didn't like that. He left the room and came back with a hammer and smashed the console while I was still playing. My fault for not letting him play it. The only thing I had that he could not use was a pair of roller blades my aunt got me for my 14th birthday. I specifically asked for roller blades to get around instead of a bike because my brother and I had different shoe sizes, so he couldn't wear them Because of constant shit like that, I never really put much value in having things growing up. I didnt want to buy something or get something as a gift just to have it fucked up in a few weeks or months. At some point, my "little" brother became the larger one, so my clothes all became "hand-me-ups" as he outgrew everything. So, because I didn't really have any distractions at home, I turned into a high achieving student, rarely got in trouble. made the honor roll all throughout school. But that wasn't something to celebrate as it was expected of me. I had long since decided that I was moving out as soon as I could once I turn 18. I got a job working at a Walgreens as soon as I could and started saving up for a car. My mom however took issue with this and would never agree to take me looking for one and absolutely refused to ever have it put on her insurance. This is where my Aunt comes in. She and her son are the only 2 on my mom's side that aren't some sort of degenerate. She had her son young, but put herself through college while raising him alone and eventually got her MBA and a cushy upper corporate job. She told me to tell my mom I had to go in to work on one of my days off, that she would pick me up and she would take me car shopping. So that's what we did. I couldn't quite afford a cash car, but she helped me with the financing. I put down what I had as the down payment, the arrangement she made with me was that 1- as long as I was in school, she would cover the insurance and payments for me, however, if I got into an accident, I was responsible for paying the deductable. And 2- as long as i was living with my mom, the car remained in her (Aunt's) name. And if anything happened to it, to let her know so she could get the appropriate authorities involved. My mom was PISSED when she found out I now had a car. Her reasoning (that she said in front of my aunt) was that she didn't think it was fair for one of us-either me or my brother- to have something the other couldn't use. Due to him being 13 and having epilepsy, he couldn't drive, so why should i have a car if my brother doesn't? That turned into a long shouting match between my mom and Aunt that basically ended with my aunt explaining that since it was her car, and all paperwork on her name, I was just on the insurance for it so I could drive it. But if anything at all happened to it while I was living at my Mom's, that the police and insurance companies would get involved. My mom still kept track of all the miles on the car to "make sure I was only going to work and school and wherever she told me I could go". Most of the time, when I hung out with friends, I wasn't the one driving. From that that point though, my mindset was very much "keep my head down and nose clean until I can leave." I graduated a month before my 18th birthday. After graduation, my mom and i got into an argument about me contributing to her bills. I eventually dropped the ball that I planned on getting back in touch with my Dad and leaving. She started laughing. Something about that laugh made me really uncomfortable. She then said "well, you can certainly meet up with him whenever you want! I'll supply the gun if you buy the bullet!" And told me my dad had died when I was 15. That. Fucking. Broke. Me. Later that night, i called my best friend and vented everything to him. He was in the DEP program for the Navy and would be shipping out in a few months, he told me to come by first thing in the morning and talk with him and his parents about the whole situation. I basically packed up all of my clothes and left the day after my 18th birthday. I just left my house key and a note that said "I'm not your problem anymore." I couch surfed for a little while until after my best friend left for boot camp, then I was able to move in and live with his parents (chosen parents basically). My only real rules were keep the house and my space clean and make sure I had a job and/or going to school. I spent a few months mourning my dad and kind of in a haze. Since he was in the Navy though, that meant I was reliable for financial aid for school. My second dad helped me get everything put together to start receiving that so I could start college.
Well, after a couple years of this, my brother, who had spent his time at school more as "forced socializing" instead of learning, was expelled from public schools for allegedly setting off a fire extinguisher in a classroom. He had to enroll at an alternative school called "the drop back-in academy" that was specifically for dropouts or anyone that got the boot from the public school system. My mom reached out to me and asked me if I would drive him to this school in the mornings, she'd pick him up in the afternoons, and she'd pay me $20 a week.I agreed to it thinking this was out of character for her, but she surprisingly held up to that agreement. I drove him for a couple years until I was ready to start my bachelor program. My second parents were getting ready to move back to their hometown and I was going to start school on the other side of the city. So, I was moving to that side of town and couldn't really drive out of my way to pick up and drop off my brother anymore. He continued his enrollment at this place for another 3 years (5 years total) and it turned out, he was never attending. I would drop his ass off there every day and he'd just walk home immediately after I pulled out of the parking lot. He'd just tell my mom that he finished his work early and decided to walk home instead of wait around for her. One afternoon, I'm coming home early from work and my brother is just sitting on the steps to my studio apartment. He tells me that he and our mom got into a really big argument and he needs a place to stay. I (reluctantly) let him in. I'm stuck thinking he must be really desperate if he's coming to me for help. But I start thinking at this point, he's 24, jobless, and probably needs to learn some self discipline and responsibility, and our mom just never did that for him. So I try to help. I ask him what their fight was about and he tells me that he started dating this girl at his alternative school. She was 21 and got the boot from the school system for being too old to attend (we actually have several relatives that were kicked out of the school system for the same reason) and that he accidentally got her pregnant and our mom did not take kindly to that. I called my landlord and explained the situation to him. He was okay with it, so I let him crash on my couch for a little bit (until the end of my lease, then I'd be moving) and just told him to clean up after himself, take care of himself, etc until we could all work this out. He crashed there for a few months and did Jack shit. He would complain that I didn't have a computer for him to use (I only had a laptop I bought for school) and I didn't have any video game consoles for him to entertain himself with. So he was stuck there bored all day. I got tired of the complaining and lack of effort and told him he had to go back to our mom's if he wasn't going to be an adult. We started shouting at each other until he dropped this little bombshell. He yelled "I can't go back to Mom's!" And when I asked why, he just blurted out "because it's to close to that elementary school!" That stopped the whole thing. "And why is that a big deal now?" I asked him. I already knew why that would be the problem, but 1% of me was holding onto the hope that he was got jumped by a gang of 5th graders and the trauma was too much for him to bear. I told him he could either tell me what's going on, or I could make a phone call and get every last detail I needed. He confessed that he had been leaving that school and going over to his "girlfriend's" house and waiting for her to get home. And that one day, her mom ended up catching them in the act. I explained to him that he was leaving out important details if that was the reason he couldn't be near a school.
He told me she was 14, not 21. I. Lost. My. Shit. Everything after that is kinda fuzzy, but he was arrested, mom posted bail, and since she lived right around the corner from an elementary school, he couldn't stay there. So they told his parole officer that he'd be staying at my address until his court date.. his PO had swung by a couple times, but I was always either at work or school or out somewhere. At this point, I told him the lease was up in 6 weeks, I couldn't stand to be around him. I packed my stuff early, moved out into a storage unit, and I stayed at an extended stay hotel until it was time for me to move. Called my landlord and told him what was going on, and if my brother was still there the last week of the lease, nail him for trespassing. My landlord was a good guy. I never had any problems with him. I paid up the last 6 weeks and threw him since extra cash for his troubles as I knew I wouldn't be getting my deposit back. That was the last time I saw my brother. After I moved out of state, I cut all contact with everyone in that family except my Aunt who was the only one that ever helped me out or even had my back. But even then, it was just through email. We'd mainly email birthday and holiday wishes to each other. Updates from my side on how life and career are going.
I never had a myspace or a Facebook growing up. I either never had a computer to check it on, or I was just so accustomed to not having any online distractions that I just never got around to making one. I did finally make a Facebook and I did get in touch with my dad's side of the family and reconnected with them. I hadn't seem most of them since I was 4 or 5. Some of them had been in contact with my brother (he fucking knew our dad died) and was spinning some sort of web about how he graduated high school early, had gone to college for pre-med and then got some sort of full ride scholarship to some prestigious medical school in Florida. He told them I wasn't on social media because I had been arrested for selling drugs and that he was taking me in after I got released. He was also using my senior portrait as a profile pic. They were surprised when they saw me and how I "looked just like my brother!" I had set the record straight. They looked dumbfounded when I told them that he couldn't get himself out of the 9th grade in 10 years, and now would likely never complete his high school journey due to the fact he can't be within 100 yards of a school.
So, fast forward to last week. I checked my email for the first time since late January (for my aunt's birthday) and noticed a few from her saying my mom wanted to reach out, then several emails from a new address. It was my mom's first initial and last name. Subject lines usually read "please respond" and "let me know you're okay" and stuff like that. I'd copy some of them over, but holy shit this is already a novella. Basically she got my email address from sneaking my aunt's phone (aunt did not sell me out). She's trying to apologize for how she treated me growing up and trying to excuse it by saying I reminded her of my dad and then she was going through menopause and just any excuse to dishes full accountability it seems. She acknowledges that it was wrong to hold me accountable for my brother's fuck-ups but dismisses that by saying he didn't know any better and she needed me to be a good role model for him. Things have been hard for her since I left, since she "had" to take my brother back in (I would've left him on the street or in jail), she had to sell her house (she was only 10 years into her mortgage) and buy another smaller one further from a school for him. He never did get a hs diploma or GED because how can he? And she's been going through breast cancer treatment for the last several months and just doesn't have the energy to take care of her 33yo baby anymore. She asked me if I lived close enough to them to take him in for a little bit while she focuses on her health. I left Florida 8 years ago and haven't even lived in the same time zone in 6 years. She can only check her email at work since she no longer has Internet at home. She had to cancel her home Internet service because of him. So, I decided to just put my brother's name into a search bar and the first thing that pops up is a FDLE sex offender's page. And holy shit has he gone downhill. He had a second arrest when he was 27 for the same thing, and then was caught in communications with another girl (like Chris Hansen sting) and was released from prison at the beginning of the year. And the mugshot.... You know the pale lady from the scary stories to tell in the dark movie? Think that, but with a patchy beard. Beady eyes, bad skin and all. According to the sheriff's office inmate search, he's been arrested 5 times in the last 10 years. Twice for lewd and lascivious battery of a minor (aged 12-15), once for solicitation of a minor, and twice for probation violations.
The TL/DR: abusive mom took all her frustrations out on me, blamed me for everything my brother did, hid my father's death from me until I was almost 18, and reaches out after 8 years of no contact and wants me to take care of her pedophile son while she's in poor health.
I'm attaching my response to her below.
Hi. I'm alive. I'm well. I'm also not okay with you contacting me, especially under the circumstances that you violated the privacy of your own sister to get my contact information. I have read your apologies and excuses and I do not accept either. You say I reminded you of Dad? He spent more time with me and showed more interest in my well-being than you ever did, and that's including the 6 years he was absent from my life by your own selfish design. Menopause? I find that hard to believe as this went on for the better part of half a decade and not once in that time did your attitude towards brother change. You always treated him with the same coddling infantile obsession and patience that one would show a toddler. It was and is clear that you have a preferred child as that adult-sized pile of shit is still living comfortably with dear old mama. I'm guessing no one else is willing to take him in? Are Uncle and Cousins afraid of him doing something to their daughters or grandchildren? I do believe you when you say you want to rebuild the bridge that you nuked from orbit years ago, but I can't believe it's not for your own selfish desires. And I can't find any reason or way my quality of life could be improved with your presence. The reality is, my life has been far better without you than it could be with you. I've never said this to anyone, but if there is a sense of karma and balance in the universe, your current situation is proof of that. The next time I see your name on my computer screen, had better be for your obituary. But since you and the monster you raised both decided to keep Dad's death a secret from me, and remove any choice I had to mourn or pay my respects, I'll return that kindness to you.
Please die away from me.

The priest that baptized me is having a 25th anniversary party. Anybody have any ideas what gift I can get him on short notice?

My son is finishing his first year of kindergarten and he loves giving gifts to people. He has 1 teacher and 2 paraprofessionals in his class that he wants to give gifts to. Would a handmade stepping stone that my son makes that says "thank you for helping us grow"be a good gift? And open for ideas on what to give. I would like to have him make something for each of them and let him buy them a gift that he picks out. They have made such a big impact on him and are very good at the job they do and I know when school ends he's really going to be sad to leave them.

My son is finishing his first year of kindergarten and he loves giving gifts to people. He has 1 teacher and 2 paraprofessionals in his class that he wants to give gifts to. Would a handmade stepping stone that my son makes that says "thank you for helping us grow" be a good gift? And open for ideas on what to give. I would like to have him make something for each of them and let him buy them a gift that he picks out. They have made such a big impact on him and are very good at the job they do and I know when school ends he's really going to be sad to leave them.

Hi reddit! I'm N f 22 and my fiancee M 25 will be celebrating his 25th birthday very soon. We have been in a relationship for 5yrs now.
Previously on his birthdays I've gifted him all sorts of things that my mind could think of. Silver jewellery ✓ Hand made explosion box ✓ Hand made photo album ✓ Skincare basket ✓ Assorted chocolates✓ Homemade cake ✓
Now for his 25th birthday I actually want to do something special but I'm not getting any ideas. Please reddit help me with some ideas to make him feel special.
PS: He doesn't like fresh flowers. He finds them wasteful. Also, I'm kind of a baker that's how I bake all his birthday cakes by scratch.
Guys it's birthday not anniversary 😭

Sorry English is my second language so please don’t mind the mistakes. We got married 5 years ago and moved to Canada 3 years back. We just got engaged and did the marriage registration very simple. Did not throw a wedding which was one of my dream. I’m now 27/F (22/F when getting married) and my husband is 32M years older than me. I didn’t travel anywhere and I was in university when I got married. I was not mature enough when I got married, it was sudden since we were moving to Canada. But we were in relationship for about 3 years before marriage.
He doesn’t help me alot on household stuff. But when it comes to outdoor work where others can see like lawn mowing he doesn’t let me do them. But I do mow the lawn often since he doesn’t care majority of the time. Oh also he blames me for almost everything. I feel really hard to say my points during our fights too.
He’s a momma’s boy and I feel like he prioritizes his family over me. This happened yesterday: Me and my husband did budgeting for this year. We are doing some renovations in the basement so that we can rent the place since we are planning to get pregnant this year and it would help us financially. I was telling him for a long time that we should go on a vacation somewhere closeby like Cuba, Mexico, Dominican Republic since we won’t be able to travel for a while after baby also this is our 5th anniversary year. In the budget we have included flights tickets for his parents for 5000 for this year. And also they are going to visit us again next year if we get the baby.. my husband didn’t even include our vacation plans in the budget until I say him also he didn’t estimate any amount for it and seems like that he didn’t care snd it was not a priority.
Last month we sat and spoke how much this vacation means to me since we didn’t do a wedding, didn’t go to honeymoon, literally didn’t travel anywhere alone as a couple. He always wants someone else to be included in the travel plans like family or friends. But I like to travel with him.
I care him a lot and I don’t think I get much in return. I cook really good and I provide him variety of foods even though I’m working full time and doing house work. We send them a lot of money for his parents for expenses too, even though we are always on the edge financially. We own a house which we bought last year and 1/2 of our salary is going to the mortgage. We don’t go out a lot. I don’t have social life either because it’s hard to make new friends in Canada.
I love to give him gifts and surprises. So I take that extra leap and do something special. But he is not like that. He’ll be like “your birthday is approaching and I have to do something for it too right” while rolling his eyes. Once he even said that not do anything special for his birthday so he doesn’t have to worry much about planning for mine. He doesn’t express his love towards me. Literally no love language. I feel like I deserve much better than this.
But he is good in all the other ways. He works full time. He cares when I’m not well.
I’m confused about this whole relationship. The majority of the time we fight. I can’t talk about everything with my mom since she’ll think a lot about this. I need some advice on how to approach this.
Sorry for writing this much. I don’t know what to include and not to.

Background: Me 21F & my boyfriend 20M have been together for almost 2 & a half years. This is his very first relationship. He isn’t very romantic & doesn’t celebrate any special occasions including Valentine’s Day, Xmas, birthdays & anniversary’s. He’s never bought me any gifts on these occasions or bothered to make me feel special. As you can guess, I absolutely feel unappreciated & now hate these days that I once used to love. I have tried to celebrate with him & buy him gifts. Romance or celebration doesn’t happen unless I initiate it or unless I’m financially responsible & the only party providing gifts..
Last year, it was my 21st birthday & he totally forgot, he openly admitted it & also made me cry on my birthday. He did walk out in the rain to cut me some fresh roses from one of the public gardens afterwards. (It’s the thought that counts).
Now his birthday is coming up in less than 2 weeks. His family doesn’t seem to care & hasn’t bothered planning anything or buying his 21st key. I don’t want to celebrate his day with him, I feel like he doesn’t deserve it from me due to past birthdays & occasions (inconsiderate). AITA?
EDIT: It’s not that I’m not happy in my relationship, he just doesn’t celebrate these occasions & I feel the same energy when it comes to him. He loves & appreciates me every other day. He does things I ask of him daily, has been supportive of me & my family. He has helped me care full time for my younger siblings & still continues to be there for me & my siblings after we’ve just recently lost our father to cancer. Just because he doesn’t celebrate or buy me gifts on certain days of the year doesn’t mean I’m not happy in my relationship. I just no longer like these days because I used to expect things of him.

Not looking for relationship advice for self worth or to leave my relationship, wanting to get advice on this situation.
Background: We’ve been dating for 2 & a half years. When it comes to special occasions (birthdays, valentines, xmas, anniversary’s) he doesn’t bother to get me any gifts, celebrate or make me feel special. Last year, it was my 21st birthday. He totally forgot & was completely honest about it. I’m not big on birthdays, but it being my 21st I at least wanted to feel appreciated especially from my partner. I do everything for everyone but myself. He didn’t buy me any gifts or make me feel special, instead he made me cry. He did walk in the rain to go cut me some roses from the public garden though 🤷‍♀️
Now, his 21st is coming up in 2 weeks time. His family hasn’t bothered to plan anything, and as far as we’re aware nobody has bothered to buy his key either. When his older brother turned 21, their parents didn’t bother to pay or plan for anything including his 21st key, instead his girlfriend & her family did. My boyfriend definitely wants to celebrate his birthday & do something. We’re also in a terrible financial situation & haven’t exactly saved up for this.
When it comes to these kind of occasions, he has seen me buy my family members gifts, celebrate or throw a small get togethers & surprise party’s for my younger siblings (6-8 years younger than me) & gifts to my parents for birthdays, Xmas & mothers/fathers days.
Part of me doesn’t want to spend his day with him, celebrate or buy him any gifts & another part of me feels guilty because I know his family isn’t going to do anything & he will feel unappreciated which will make him feel upset & that nobody cares… He isn’t involved with his extended family so much (not a lot of support) & only has a handful of friends that he doesn’t hang out with anymore. They’ve all become his older brothers friends & are all trouble/bad influences.
I have openly told him I don’t want to celebrate his birthday with him. I encouraged him to go out & celebrate with whoever on his birthday. He wants me to be with him to celebrate (but will expect me to cover the costs).
What should I do?

Not looking for relationship advice for self worth or to leave my relationship, wanting to get advice on this situation.
Background: We’ve been dating for 2 & a half years. When it comes to special occasions (birthdays, valentines, xmas, anniversary’s) he doesn’t bother to get me any gifts, celebrate or make me feel special. Last year, it was my 21st birthday. He totally forgot & was completely honest about it. I’m not big on birthdays, but it being my 21st I at least wanted to feel appreciated especially from my partner. I do everything for everyone but myself. He didn’t buy me any gifts or make me feel special, instead he made me cry. He did walk in the rain to go cut me some roses from the public garden though 🤷‍♀️
Now, his 21st is coming up in 2 weeks time. His family hasn’t bothered to plan anything, and as far as we’re aware nobody has bothered to buy his key either. When his older brother turned 21, their parents didn’t bother to pay or plan for anything including his 21st key, instead his girlfriend & her family did. My boyfriend definitely wants to celebrate his birthday & do something. We’re also in a terrible financial situation & haven’t exactly saved up for this.
When it comes to these kind of occasions, he has seen me buy my family members gifts, celebrate or throw a small get togethers & surprise party’s for my younger siblings (6-8 years younger than me) & gifts to my parents for birthdays, Xmas & mothers/fathers days.
Part of me doesn’t want to spend his day with him, celebrate or buy him any gifts & another part of me feels guilty because I know his family isn’t going to do anything & he will feel unappreciated which will make him feel upset & that nobody cares… He isn’t involved with his extended family so much (not a lot of support) & only has a handful of friends that he doesn’t hang out with anymore. They’ve all become his older brothers friends & are all trouble/bad influences.
I have openly told him I don’t want to celebrate his birthday with him. I encouraged him to go out & celebrate with whoever on his birthday. He wants me to be with him to celebrate (but will expect me to cover the costs).
What should I do?

My husband(28M) and I (31F) have been together for 10 years and we have three kids together (7f, 5m, 1m). After my third child was born I developed bad post partum depression and my marriage suffered from it. I began to notice how much my husband kinda sucks. I am a SAHM and he works long hours , but that's all he does most days. I do all the housework, the bills, the budgeting, the grocery shopping, the meals, the childcare, the appointments, the sports, all on my own, while juggling my own school load and mental health problems. And it's not like he tries to make me feel valued for all that work. He doesn't even acknowledge it. Never hear a thank you. Ever. He just sees his own long days. My husband has never had to do a single thing alone with all three kids, and he gets mad if I complain about it. (My oldest two children have ADHD, so they are not the easiest kids). He won't even take a half day to help me with doctors appointments or sick kids.. I just take all three everywhere I have to go. He doesn't ask how my day was or what I did all day. Barely asks the kids about their day. Ive been trying to communicate my unhappiness to him for ahwile now. And nothing happens. I tell him im lonely, he says make some friends. I tell him I don't feel loved, valued, or appreciated and he gets defensive, angry, and stonewalls me. I asked for weeks before my birthday for him to plan something for us. My birthday rolls around and he didn't even wish me a happy birthday until I mentioned it to him. No gift. No plans. On our anniversary, No plans again. On mothers day he got me a piece of jewelry. Ignoring the gift suggestions I had given. And again didn't wish me a happy mothers day.. I spent hours crying and he didn't even check on me. He said he knew I was crying but wanted to give me space.. I'm just over it. I feel like my husband and I are only ever okay, if I'm happy and okay. He isn't there for me emotionally. He shuts down and refuses to discuss things. I told him I perceive love through words of affirmation and he won't do it. He just makes no effort with me and no matter how much I ask for it, nothing changes. Anyway, I think after 10 years I've given enough and the blinding love I had for my husband is gone. Im seeing more clearly now... I quit my job to raise our kids, I moved to a city where I have no friends or family, because it's what he wanted, and I am miserable. I started therapy three weeks ago because I just can't take how miserable I am anymore.. And I think it really boils down to my relationship. So I think I want to ask for a divorce. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think I'm ready. Just wanted to vent here and maybe get some advice on how to approach him. Or some encouragement from people that have been in this station.
TLDR; My husband makes bare minimum effort with me or our relationship and I think I'm finally ready for a divorce.
Edit: I DO THANK MY HUSBAND. All of the time. I do nice things for him. His love language is physical touch and he gets a lot of it. I appreciate that he works hard. I tell him I appreciate him regularly.

Not sure how else to phrase it, because I love him but he has a really bad way of being thoughtless and selfish. Our first Christmas, I was impressed with a gift that he made for his mom. It was cheap, literally just a bunch of notes in a paper bag labeled "reasons I love you" and each was a sentiment or story or inside joke. It was cheap and I understood because he was a broke-ass teenager who couldn't hold down a job.
Since then, though, I've come to experience his assumption and expectation for what he will be receiving for birthdays and Christmas. For example, he'll assume we were going to spend a few hundred dollars on gifts, and ask for it in cash instead of gifts. He asked for us to renew his medical weed permit ($250 at the time) and claimed that's all he wanted, then acted all shitty when there wasn't much else to open. He knows he gets money from his grandpa, so he's asked for advances on it. Every gift he treats as an expected transaction, taken for granted, not as a gift. For Christmas, his mom got him a necklace I think, that was sort of silly but there was a reason she got it. If he didn't like wearing it, I didn't blame him, but he could hang it from a tac on his wall or something. Instead, he actually gave it back to her right there within moments of opening it, saying it wasn't his style.
What finally pissed me off enough to write this was Mother's Day. I asked him weeks ago what he was going to do for his mom. He's 24 and no longer lives with us, but he has a job and is still getting food stamps from his brief unemployment, Actually has more than he needs to the point of stocking up before the benefits expire. Anyway, I remind him weeks ago that Mother's Day is coming up, his mom doesn't want anything but a nice heartfelt card or note because we know he's working hard and trying to save for a car and a better place. We tell him Mom wants to go to ihop, nothing fancy at all. We didn't offer to pay, but I assumed we would. We pick him up and take him after work. While we are waiting for our food, he gives her a card.
The card was literally a picture on the front and a sentence on the inside that he said "this kinda says how I feel so I didn't write anything else." And to be clear, what I mean is: the card had a sentence printed on the inside. He did not write anything, he didn't even sign his name. If we wanted to return the card, we could have. It was literally right off the shelf, and obviously a last minute purchase that he bought from work just moments before we picked him up.
Number one, I hate how shitty it makes me feel when WE show emotional investment in him with not only our thoughtful gifts but also very sincere cards and notes. We show a ton of support, love, and appreciation for him and everything he does and has done. For him to gloss over that while searching for the money inside the card is like holy shit, you're an adult, are you not aware of how selfish you look? If you're going to be an asshole, at least pretend to not be one in front of us. Second, and this is important: You will not be successful in relationships if you are an emotional slug like that. I can't imagine how his girlfriends would feel or how his wife would feel with this approach to her birthday or anniversary. You cannot half-ass something that is significant to you in any way, especially when it is equally or more significant to people you love.
My wife, who often suppresses her reactions to these kinds of things, actually broke down and told me how disappointed she was when she got that Mother's Day card. If she's willing to say something about it, I can only imagine it's more than what she's expressed because she doesn't want to be negative toward her son. I get that. So I can't imagine how low she felt when after all that she's done for him, especially in the past year, his only gift is a last-minute purchase of convenience, no thought, and not even his own words. Not even a signature.

For context : my boyfriend is trying to sell his place and is planning to move so he doesn't want anything that takes a lot of space or will be a pain to move (understandable). Also, he doesn't want home decor items since he doesn't know what our future place will look like and he wants to pick such items with me. So getting something is pretty hard... I thought of taking him on a trip but he can't leave his cat alone for more than 2 days (all of his family live hours away and he doesn't have friends in the area and me neither) so this is not likely to be a viable option....
I always try to get an useful gift, an handmade gift and a fun gift. So, for the useful gift, I decided to get him a high quality hoodie in his favorite color because I know he only has one and has been wearing it as soon as it is clean. We also always joke about the fact that I always steal it. For the handmade gift, I sculpted a keychain of a mini-me holding a heart with his initials. And for the fun gift, I bought him a Lego set of his favorite/dream car, thinking he could build it right away, then rebuild it in our future appartment... I am also planning to cook his favorite dinner, bake his favorite cake and buy him his favorite snacks.
What do you think ? I am worried it might be too unpersonal and he might not like it... He is pretty picky, which is okay, he only likes very certain things so I am scared he might think I don't really "know" him.

Exotic Perk: Golden Remnant
This weapon upon first draw fires one massive damage golden gun shot as long as golden gun is equipped costing the weapons full magazine, strong against barrier and unstoppable champions. After firing this single shot, reload speed is reduced by 65% (meaning it takes longer to reload) and the next magazine applies the Light Burnout de-buff on the wielder. Killing an enemy with Golden Remnant grants a medium amount of super energy, stronger enemies give more super and grenade energy, up to 35%, Guardians in the crucible count as 5% and guardians with their super active count as 7.5% as long as your super bar is under 75%. After casting your super, you may use this ability again by holding 'R' while the gun is at a full magazine. Dying does not allow the ability to be used again. If golden gun is not equipped than this this weapons exotic perk is basically useless.
Light Burnout: De-buff
The magazine after the high powered Golden Remnant shot is fired does 30% less damage to rank-and-file enemies, 25% less damage to powerful enemies, and 15% less damage to Bosses, Yellow bar enemies and Guardians. No damage drop-off for guardians with their super active. Switching weapons takes slightly longer as well, at a 5% time increase. this also creates a major decrease to impact and stability and other deficits to other stats. THIS EFFECT ONLY HAPPENS FOR ONE MAGAZINE. Swapping weapons does not remove the effect when switching back unless activating Golden remnant another time.
Special Perk 2: Rekindling Spirit
If the Golden Remnant shot misses a target that shot is refunded at the same strength.
Special Perk 3: Lighting the Fire
This weapon does a medium amount of bonus damage to fallen, scorn, hive and taken with a solar de-buff on them. up to 45% bonus damage. This weapon provides a extremely large explosion if the final shot of a magazine without the Light burnout effect defeats a powerful enemy spreading scorch across a large area.
Catalyst:
Acquired through Master level or higher nightfall's.
Catalyst ability: Splitting Eruption
The initial single strong golden remnant shot turns into two half Golden remnant powered shots that spread scorch to targets and ignites in a short radius around where the shot was fired and gives the wielder radiant for a short duration after a final blow. Stunning a champion with golden remnant creates an additional Golden remnant shot that fires at 35% strength.
Weapon Description:
"It all comes down to how much the traveler likes you and how much you appreciate its gifts" - Zavala
Whoever wielded this weapon before the guardian was deeply invested in the intricacies of the Shard of the Traveler that was used during the Red War to fight back against the cabal. It seems as though word got out about his research and when the cabal caught wind, they came for him. Not much on this in the archives either, must have been a relatively unknown guardian, why wouldn't they contact us after we scurried to the farm? So many unanswered questions. Its unfortunate that he ended up losing his ghost and burning up with the almighty. The weapon schematics we recovered from his corpse intrigue me though, there's.. a piece of the shard on here! - Zavala
Range: 55
Impact: 100 on initial Golden Remnant shot, 70 Normal, and 45 with Light Burnout
Stability: 42 normal, 25 with light burnout
Handling: 31 normal
Reload Speed: 58 normal, 20 After Golden Remnant
Aim Assist: 95 with Golden Remnant 75 Normal, 50 with Light-Burnout
Recoil Direction: 80 Normal, 65 with Light-Burnout
Magazine Size: 1 with base Golden Remnant, 10 Normal Hand Cannon shots
Air Effectiveness: 28 Normal, 18 with Light Burnout
How to acquire weapon:
This weapon can be collected through a series of 6 quest steps involving,

1. Gather hand cannon and solar super data across the system (Zavala)

25 Guardian super kills
150 Hand cannon kills

1. Complete Nightfall's on "Master" Difficulty with an exotic hand cannon equipped. Grandmaster Nightfall's count as 2. Hero nightfall's count as 0.05 and Solo Legend Nightfall's counts as 0.5 Legend Nightfall's with a fireteam count as 0.1.

2 strikes completed

1. Complete the "Solar Pathway" Exotic Quest on Mars

Defeat "Kargen, the reimagined"
Quest Completed 1 Potential Reward: (Unique Exotic armor specific to Prodigal Flare)
rewards, Golden Core (NOT A USABLE WEAPON, TAKES UP A KINETIC INVENTORY SLOT)

1. Visit the enclave on mars and present it your findings

Enclave Visited
Rewards: Worn out weapon history books and Next quest step

1. Complete the "Radiant Descendant" Exotic Dungeon on earth: Almighty Crash Site

Defeat "Visage of Rhulk" and "Visage of Nezarec"
Defeat "Sal'aurc, Almighty Champion of the witness"
Rewards: Cosmological Handle (Weapon schematic) REPLACES GOLDEN CORE

1. Meet Zavala at the Enclave on mars and begin the attunement process

Zavala Visited
Rewards: Prodigal Flare
"Radiant Descendant"
It looks like the witnesses troops have scooped up the burnt remnants of the almighty and turned it into their new war bunker, might be a good idea to remove this corruption before they decide to plan their assault on the last city.
On arrival, Defense systems activate.
1st encounter: ENTER THE MINDSCAPE (Defeat the Visage of Rhulk) Potential Reward: Sniper Rifle or Helmet
2nd Encounter: Destroy The Weapon. Reward: Class item or chest piece
3rd Encounter: ENTER THE MINDSCAPE (Defeat Visage of Nezarec) Potential Reward: Hand Cannon or Leg armor
4th Encounter: Unlock the door: SURVIVE 5 minutes. Potential Rewards: Linear Fusion Rifle or Auto Rifle
5th Encounter: Prove your worth, Summon and defeat Sal'aurc. Potential Rewards: Exotic Engram x2 or Grenade Launcher, Rocket Launcher or Scout Rifle

As many of you may have read, there is a case of two missing adopted kids in North Carolina, where remains have been found. The news has reported that their adoptive “mother” is Avantae Deven.
I’m a curious person and started digging up information on Avantae Deven when I first read the story in my news feed and could not believe what I was reading. It seemed like whomever this woman is must have be using an alias; Avantae Deven is not a name like Kim Jones or Mackenzie Smith.
The more I dug, the weirder it seemed to get. I found a property deed to a place in Sedona, Arizona, and figured out that whomever this Avantae person is, she at one point in time had owned a home together with someone named Nicole Adams. So I dug into who Nicole Adams was, and learned that she was the widow of a spiritual leader named Robert Adams. It appeared to me that there would be no way to identify who Avantae really was, unless I could also identify the true identity of Robert Adams.
*******
I've done investigative work for many years, including skip tracing. I can conclusively state that there was absolutely no person actually named Robert Adams born in New York State on January 21, 1928. This is demonstrated by the New York Birth Index. I have combed the census records for 1930, 1940, and 1950, and cross-checked them against multiple databases, and am confident that nobody with the birth name of Robert Adams was born anywhere in the United States on January 21, 1928.
Moreover, there was absolutely no person with the true name of Robert Adams who died anywhere at all in the United States, let alone Sedona, Arizona, on March 2, 1997. This is demonstrated by the Social Security Death Index.
I began this research largely by performing exhaustive searches on the known addresses that are associated with Robert, his wife Leonie (who used to use the alias Nicole), and Avantae Deven (who turns out to be their daughter Michelle who began using the alias Avantae in the mid-1990’s or so). Most of the addresses are PO boxes. Those that are PO boxes are all *private* PO boxes, not PO boxes that one can rent from the United States Postal Service. To me, that spoke volumes. The family were clearly using aliases.
As I explain further below, I eventually determined that “Robert Adams” was Robert Spiegel, born 21 January 1932 in New York. “Nicole Adams” was actually Aileen Beverly Leonie Maxwell, born February 2, 1929, in Jamaica. “Avantae Deven” is actually their daughter, Michelle K. Spiegel, born on October 1, 1960, in California.
One of Robert’s many false stories about Robert’s life that my research has refuted is Robert’s claim that his mother was Jewish and his father was Catholic. That was a lie. Both of his parents were Jewish. It’s also interesting that he claimed that he was “raised Catholic.” There is absolutely nothing to suggest that. His mother always, in New York, lived in Jewish neighborhoods. Moreover, as will be discussed below, his parents had a Jewish wedding. It’s also downright absurd that he would tell people that he was “half Jewish.” If your mother’s Jewish, you are Jewish, pure and simple. Even if Robert’s father had truly been Catholic (which he wasn’t; his name was Samuel Spiegel and he immigrated to America in 1907, lived with his Jewish, Yiddish-speaking cousins, and spoke Yiddish himself), Robert would have been Jewish because the status of being a Jew comes from the mother. Robert’s mother’s name was Fannie (nee Fleisfeder) Spiegel. Fannie’s parents were Itzik Fleisfeder and Esther Libke (nee Rifkin) Fleisfeder. Esther’s parents were Mendel Rifkin and Sarah whose maiden name is lost to time and the disappearance of the shtetls. Robert’s claim to having had a Catholic father was utterly false, but is part and parcel of his ongoing compulsive daily lying about anything and everything.
Here is the story.
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Kolomyia, formerly known as Kolomea, is a city currently located in the Western Ukraine.
On January 21, 1892 (the same year that Kolomea tallis¹ workers went on strike for better pay and working conditions), Kolomea resident Rachel Katz, wife of Abraham Spiegel, gave birth to a son, who was given the name Schmuel.
On the date that Schmuel Spiegel entered the world, Kolomea was ruled by the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy, and almost half of the city’s residents were Jewish.
In June of 1907, fifteen-year-old Schmuel² boarded the Zeeland, which sailed from Antwerp, Belgium, arriving at New York Harbor on June 18, 1907. The ship’s manifest states that Schmuel’s father had paid for his transport, and that Schmuel intended to reside with his father, Abe, in Brooklyn. Schmuel was granted entrance, and took up residence with his cousin Charles Fetner, who resided at 353 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn, in Apartment A with his wife Jennie and their baby daughter Ettie. The sparse record that exists suggests that although Schmuel’s father was, indeed, named Abraham, Abraham lived and died in Europe, without immigrating to America.
The 1910 census describes Samuel’s cousin Charles as a carpenter, who had been married to housewife Jennie for six years, and a father of three children-- Ettie age four, Nathan age two, and baby Jacob, who was not even a year old. Eighteen-year-old Samuel was identified by profession as a “Foreman Sailmaker” in an industry described as “pocket-books.”
Three and a half years after being granted admission, on a bitterly cold winter day, January 4, 1911, Schmuel (now employed as a pocket-book maker, and having Anglicized his name to Samuel) signed and submitted his declaration to become a United States citizen. He stated, in that declaration, that he was born on January 21, 1892.
By 1915, Samuel had left his cousin’s abode and was residing as a lodger in the home of a widow named Rose Hammer, who lived with her two adolescent sons, Meyer and Louis, at 531 E. 5^th Avenue; Samuel was now working as a “driver.”
Two years after the 1915 state census was taken, Samuel had moved back to Myrtle Avenue, but this time at building no. 849. On June 15, 2017, Samuel registered for the draft, and described himself as being a pocketbook maker, working for “A. Shoenfeld,” at 101 Crosby Street, New York. He was single. He stated, in his draft registration, that he was born on January 21, 1892.
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A woman named Fruma Fleisfeder was born in Beltz, Bessarabia, sometime between July 1, 1893, and 1901, to Itzik Fleisfeder and Esther Lieba Rifkin. Fruma (not living up to her pious given name) provided different dates and years of birth to different authorities on different occasions, making it impossible at this point in time to know her true position in the birth order of her family. Regardless, Fruma, who began using the name Fanny upon her entrance to the United States, did have three brothers and a sister who also came to America-- Louis Fleisfeder who was born April 10, 1890, Max Irving Fleisfeder who used October 10, 1892 as his birthdate, Hersch (later known as Harry), whose official birthdate was December 15, 1901, and Sylvia who was born in approximately 1906.
On December 1, 1919, Fruma arrived in New York Harbor on the ship La Touraine, declaring her intention, at entry, to become a United States Citizen. The ship’s manifest describes her as five feet five inches tall, with fair hair, blue eyes, and a fair complexion. The ship’s manifest states that she was, at that time, age 24. If that were correct, she would have been born in 1895.
Fruma (then going by Fanny) took up residence with her cousin Ethel (nee Ruchlin) and Ethel’s husband Samuel Steinberg, on 15^th Street, Brooklyn. Soon thereafter, Ethel gave birth to her first child, a daughter named Theresa. The 1920 census states that Fanny was Russian, didn’t speak English but, rather, spoke Hebrew, and worked as a milliner in a millinery store. The 1920 census also states that Fanny was age 25, which lines up with her being age 24 in the prior year’s ship manifest.
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Sam and Fanny married in Manhattan on January 24, 1925. Their marriage certificate (signed by each of them) identifies Sam as being age 32 (contradicting, by one year, his immigration records which would have placed him at age 33), and identifies Fanny as age 24, the same age that she had claimed to be six years prior, and also contradicting an immigration petition that she would file two decades in the future, which generally placed her birth year at the mid-point of 1893.
If Fanny’s immigration records (which included a petition with her signature on it) were correct, Fanny would also have been age 32 as of her marriage to Samuel, not age 24.
So did Fanny lie in her marriage certificate? Or did she lie in her immigration petition?
The marriage certificate identifies Sam as having been born in Kolomea, Austria, and his father being Abraham, and his mother being Rachel Katz. It identifies Fanny as having been born in Beltz, Russia, to a father named Isaac, and to a mother named Esther Rifkin.
The marriage certificate does not identify Fanny as having any profession, but identifies Sam as being a pocketbook maker.
Sam and Fannie were married at 125 E. 4^th Street, Manhattan, a six-story apartment building with retail units on the ground floor that is now an expensive co-op, with three-bedroom units selling for over $900,000. Present-day real estate advertisements alternatively state that the building was built in 1894, 1903, and 1905.
The first name of the rabbi who officiated was Harry. His surname starts with Reid, but the remaining letters of his signature are illegible. Rabbi Harry identified his residence as 232 Broome Street, which, at the time, was a four-story mixed use building that, among other things, housed Chevrah Ahavath Zedek Anshei Jaskinover.
Witnesses to the marriage were Mayer Budmon and Samuel Steinberg.
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Sam and Fanny’s existence was documented next in the 1925 New York State census by census. They were living at 205 S. 2^nd Street. Samuel was still working as a “pocketbook maker.” Fanny was identified as a “housewife.”
Fanny was identified as age 25. This was in accordance with her age as stated on her marriage certificate, but not in accordance with her immigration documents or the 1920 census.
Sam was identified as being age 28, which conflicted with all prior records.
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In 1930, the couple were again enumerated, this time in the Federal census. The enumerator, whose signature appears to be “Max Krahn” (or something like that) stated that he obtained the information on April 16, 1930.
Sam was identified as a “framer” of pocketbooks. He was identified as being 36 years of age, which conflicts by two years with the age that he provided to immigration authorities. Perhaps the enumerator was simply sloppy; Samuel was also incorrectly identified in the 1930 census as having been born in “Poland,” with parents who were both also born in “Poland,” notwithstanding other governmental records having identified him as being Austrian. The language he spoke? “Jewish,” according to the enumerator. Was that to mean Hebrew? Yiddish? Both?
Fannie was identified as age 30 (directly in conflict with the information she supplied in her immigration petition, which bears her signature) and as being “Russian,” with parents born in “Russia.” The 1930 census enumerator incorrectly wrote that her year of immigration was 1921. Fannie, too, was identified by the enumerator as speaking the “Jewish” language.
Although later records reflected that Sam and Fannie had a son named Irving who was born in 1926, Irving was not recorded in the 1930 census. Was he missed by the enumerator? Or was he a later-adopted son?
The couple also had a boarder, identified by the 1930 enumerator as one Esther “Larson,” age 40, born in Russia, and similarly a speaker of the “Jewish” language.
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The New York Birth Index identifies a baby boy, Robert Spiegel, as one of many babies having been born in the city on January 21, 1932.
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On May 21, 1936, Samuel committed suicide by hanging in the family residence, a tenement apartment located at 1168 Union Avenue, in the Bronx. Although, based upon the date of birth that Samuel used for official governmental purposes he was age 44, the death certificate stated that he was age 43.
Fannie engaged the Gordon Funeral Home to prepare him for burial.
Strangely, although Samuel’s headstone accurately identified him in Hebrew as Schmuel Spiegel, son of Avraham, it inexplicably incorrectly stated that he died at age 40.
Fannie of course knew her husband’s real age; both of them signed the marriage certificate that had Samuel’s correct age listed. Furthermore, Samuel had petitioned for citizenship in 1911, and stated that his date of birth was January 18, 1892.
Why would Fannie commission a headstone with a false age? Perhaps she, like her son, was a compulsive liar. Maybe that’s where Robert got it from.
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The 1940 census has Fannie (identified as age 38), Robert (identified as age 8), and Fannie’s son/Robert’s brother, Irving Spiegel, age 13, as living with Fannie’s 72-year-old mother, Esther Fleisfeder, at 1537 Fulton Avenue, in the Bronx. Fannie and Esther were identified as widows. Esther was identified as “U” (unable to work), while Fannie was identified as engaged in housework. No source of income for the family was identified.
No explanation is obvious regarding where Irving was living in the census taken a decade previously. Was he adopted?
There is no “Irving Spiegel” listed in the New York Birth Index for either 1926 or 1927. There is an “Irving Spiegal” listed, who was born April 29, 1926. But he is not Irving Spiegel.
I initially thought that perhaps Irving might be one of the unnamed Baby Boy Spiegels born in New York in 1926 or 1927, and that he left the hospital unnamed because his parents were waiting for his bris before naming him. However, Robert left the hospital with the name Robert. Why wait until the bris to name one child, but not the other?
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Slightly less than two years after she was enumerated in the 1940 census, Fannie’s mother Esther died, at home, at 1537 Fulton Avenue. The causes of death were “Coronary Thrombosis, Pulmonary Oedema Nephritis, Hypertension, Arteriosclerosis.” Esther left this world on February 6, 1942, the same day that the W. L. Steed was torpedoed, shelled and sunk less than a hundred nautical miles east of the mouth of Delaware River by a German submarine.
She was buried at Mount Moriah Cemetery in Fairview, New Jersey, the same cemetery where her son-in-law Samuel was interred.
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On November 12, 1943, Fannie, now residing at 1985 Bathgate Avenue, in the Bronx, petitioned for citizenship. She claimed, in that document bearing her signature, to be fifty years of age, meaning that if she was telling the truth, she would have been born in approximately 1893.
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On January 19, 1948, Robert (having assumed a false date of birth, that being January 18, 1931), enlisted in the New York National Guard. On paper, he had turned age 17 the day before his enlistment. In reality, he would be turning age 16 two days after his enlistment.
On December 9, 1949, Robert was discharged from the national guard, apparently for having been AWOL.
The discharge document identifies his address as being 1985 Bathgate Avenue, New York City.
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The 1950 census places Robert again at 1985 Bathgate Avenue, New York City. It correctly identifies him as age 18, and states that he worked as a shipping clerk for a newspaper company.
According to the 1950 census, Robert resided at the Bathgate Avenue address with his mother Fannie, who was purportedly still age 50 (seven years after she had previously claimed to immigration authorities to be age 50), and Robert’s brother Irving, age 24.
Irving was listed as unemployed and moreover, according to the census record, had not worked for the prior year. Fannie was employed full-time as a milliner in a hat factory.
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Military records reflect that Irving J. Spiegel, born in 1926 and a resident of 1985 Bathgate Avenue, who had completed two years of high school education, had flown bomber planes over Germany during the war. In his military documents, Irving described himself as single, with two dependents.
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On February 2, 1929, a baby girl given the name Aileen Beverly Leone Maxwell was born in Lucea, Hanover, Jamaica, to William Maxwell and Daisy (nee Tibbits) Maxwell. Her birth was registered by her parents.
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In 1954, Robert Spiegel and Aileen Maxwell were married in New York City. Their marriage license was given License No. 10284.
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The following year, the Kingston, Jamaica, Gleaner reported on June 6, 1955:
Miss Leonie Maxwell, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. J. Maxwell, was married recently in New York City to Mr. Robert Spiegel of the U.S.A. Both the bride and groom are students at the New York Institute of Dietetics. The bride left the island nearly two years ago for New York. Her wedding gown was chantilly lace and nylon tulle. The bodice was fashioned with a wide, scalloped neckline and elbow-length sleeves. Her three tier skirt of chantilly lace was over pleated nylon tulle. Her fingertip-length veil was adorned with pearls.
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If the claim regarding the couple studying at the New York Institute of Dietetics was even true, their studies at this institution didn’t last long. In May of 1956, a number of advertisements bearing Robert’s photograph appeared in the Kingston, Jamaica Gleaner. The advertisements described Robert as a psychologist, author, lecturer, and “practitioner in auto suggestion,” and identified him as “Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.” Readers were invited to come meet Robert on May 21, 1956, at Record Plaza, where he would be autographing his “latest” “world-wide” 33 and 1/3 RPM record, “How to Stop Smoking in 7 days by Auto-Suggestion.”
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On May 1, 1959, three residents of 1985 Bathgate Avenue, Bronx, New York, came through customs, having returned from a trip to Jamaica. They identified themselves as “Robert D. Spiegel” born in New York (in addition to giving himself a false middle initial, Robert neglected to complete the I-94-A fully, specifically by leaving his birthdate blank), “Leonie A. Spiegel” born in Jamaica on February 2, 1929, and their minor daughter, and “Sharon S. Spiegel,” born in New York. Someone also neglected to fully complete Sharon’s I-94-A, specifically by leaving her birthdate blank.
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Leonie had taken Sharon to Jamaica two years earlier. There are no publicly available records pertaining to their outbound transport from the United States to Jamaica. There is, however, a record pertaining to their return to the United States. That publicly available record does not provide their address, but Sharon is identified as weighing 1 stone 5 pounds (a total of 19 pounds), and Leonie is identified as weighing six stone 5 pounds (89 pounds). Interestingly, Leonie used the name “Aileen Spiegel,” and the records assert that Aileen has no middle initial. Aileen was / is her true legal first name, but it is a lie to say that she has no middle initial.
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Almost two years later, on January 5, 1958, the Kingston, Jamaica Gleaner reported:
Staying at the Tamarind Hotel are Mr. and Mrs. Bob Spiegel and daughter Sharon of Miami, Florida. Mrs. Spiegel is the former Leonie Maxwell, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. J. Maxwell of Lucea and has been in the United States for several years. A welcome party in their honour was given last Saturday night by Messers. Horrace, Ray, and Dennis Maxwell, brothers of Mrs. Spiegel. It was a very enjoyable affair.
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In 1963, roughly five years after their 1958 visit to Jamaica, Leonie petitioned for naturalization, in Louisiana. Although I am in possession of the index showing that she petitioned in 1963, I do not possess the petition itself. However, the fact that she petitioned for naturalization in Louisiana demonstrates that that at least she was residing in Louisiana at the time. Since she stated that she didn’t leave Robert’s side for over 40 years, presumably Robert, young Sharon, and also baby Michelle were living in Louisiana at that time.
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People who knew Robert personally relate that he stated that Leonie was a Cayman Island heiress. She wasn’t. Not only was she not born in the Cayman Islands, Leonie’s father’s estate was litigated (with the judge ruling against her) long before Robert started telling people that his wife was a Cayman Islands heiress.
Leonie’s father did leave an estate, but not to her. On November 9, 1967, the Gleaner reported that the Supreme Court had upheld the will of the late William Josiah Maxwell, the father of Horrace, Ray, Dennis, and Leonie, and the husband of Daisy Maxwell, who had contended that William’s signature was a forgery and that the person to whom his estate had been bequeathed had exercised undue influence. The court disagreed. The article reported:
The estate, which one of the executors described as “a sizeable one,” included 112 acres of land at Paradise and three houses at Lucea, Hanover.
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Robert apparently wasn’t banking on Leonie’s inheritance in any event. In May of 1966, advertisements appeared in the Houston Chronicle with Robert’s photo on them, selling a record that would purportedly assist people in stopping smoking in seven days. He identified himself as “Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.”
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On page 55 of the November 15, 1969, San Antonio, Texas Express and News, was an advertisement stating:
SCIENCE OF THE MIND
Dr. J. Robert Spiegel of Houston, director and founder of the Science of the Mind Foundation there, is conducting Sunday evening meetings at 7:30 p.m. in the Sheraton Inn, 1400 Austin Hwy.
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On page 4 of the July 10, 1970 edition of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram was a photograph of Robert, with a brief local news blurb:
GUEST – Dr. J Robert Spiegel of Houston, Science of Mind Foundation director, will speak at the 10:45 a.m. service tomorrow in First Church of Religious Science, 2001 6^th Ave. His subject is “What Religious Science Teaches.”
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On page 8 of the June 18, 1970 edition of the Houston Daily Cougar was this advertisement:
HOME OF UNIVERSAL LIFE
“Teaching Aquarian Meditation For The New Age
Meets Every Sunday, 11:00 A.M. At The World Trade Center Auditorium
Houston, Texas
DR. J. ROBERT SPIEGEL (BRAHMADANDA) DIRECTOR - FOUNDER
Aquarian Meditation Initiation for the first time offered through correspondence. For those sincere students wishing to bypass evolution and enter the 5th Kingdom. Initiation includes meditation technique, Mantra, how to "live” 24 hours a day, and much more. Write for application today:
P.O. Box 53328 Houston, Texas 052
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From the Galveston Daily News, May 02, 1971, Pg. 31:
AQUARIAN MEDITATION SOCIETY PRESENTS DR. J. ROBERT SPIEGEL AN AUTHOR, LECTURER, TEACHER OF YOGA & SELF DEVELOPMENT WILL SPEAK ON MAN, MIND & THE UNIVERSE WEDNESDAY, MAY 5th AT 7:30 P.M. IN THE RECREATION CENTER HARRIS COUNTY PARK, NASA RD. # 1 ALL WELCOME — DONATION $1.50
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The 1972 Spiritual Community Guide lists Robert twice, in the San Diego area. First, on page 117, using his alias “J. Robert Spiegel”:
THE TEMPLE OF METAPHYSICAL ABUNDANCE. J. Robert Spiegel, 1118 Torrey Pines Rd., 92037. Teaches yoga, nutrition, ESP, metaphysics, psychology, mind control
Second, on page 124, in which he, as one might have predicted, was masquerading as some sort of medical man or scholar:
"AQUARIAN MEDITATION SOCIETY, U. S. Grant Hotel, Attn: Dr. Robert Spiegel, 453-7588"
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Also in 1972, Volume 25 of San Diego Magazine published in November advertised gift certificates for the “Astrology Research Center.” “Give your loved one the gift of love. Only $50” said the advertisement. Where was this entity located? At 1118 Torrey Pines Road, the same address as Robert’s Temple of Metaphysical Abundance. The advertisement purported that person identified as “Lil Canaan” was the director. The telephone number was 459-6400.
In 2013, the San Diego Union Tribune published the obituary for Lillian Mulonas, who founded the La Jolla “Astrology Research Center.” At this point in time, unless Robert Adams’ only surviving daughter, Michelle/ Prentiss/ Avantae knows the answer and talks, we will not know what relationship, if any, existed between Robert’s Temple of Metaphysical Abundance and Lilian’s Astrology Research Center, both of which were located at 1118 Torrey Pines Road in 1972.
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From the July 12, 1973, San Diego Reader:
BRAHMADANDA FOUNDATION
“Teachings of the Cosmic Way” meets Sundays, 11:00 a.m., U.S. Grant Hotel, Crystal Room. Free admission, refreshments served. Call 453-7588 for more information.
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On page 51 of the June 29, 1974 edition of Phoenix’s Arizona Republic was the following advertisement:
Speaker from San Diego
Dr. J. Robert Spiegel from San Diego, a traveler and lecturer, will speak at 8 p.m., Friday in Universal Series Center, 4340 N. Seventh Ave., on the topic “Science of Being.”
He is the founder of the “Aquarian Meditation Society” in Jamaica and is founder and publisher of “Equinox,” a philosophical newspaper.
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The family (Adams or Spiegel, however one might want to refer to them) have resided in (that I know of) New York, Miami, Jamaica, Louisiana, La Jolla, Los Angeles, Houston, New Mexico, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Scottsdale, Sedona, and a number of cities in North Carolina.
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In at least the 1990’s, before he left for Sedona, Robert Adams used the address PO Box 7210, Jordan Avenue, D-30, Canoga Park, CA. He used that address on correspondence he wrote, and on at least one published document. Who else used that address? The data aggregators show that this address was also used by a Michelle K. Spiegel, and a person going by the name Leonie Maxwell. Michelle and Leonie also used other addresses associated with Robert, those being 1815 Willis Avenue Panorama City, and 21551 Burbank Boulevard, Woodland Hills.
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The California Birth Index shows that Michelle K. Spiegel was born on October 1, 1960, in Los Angeles County, to a mother with the maiden name Maxwell.
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In later life, Michelle used the addresses above that are associated with Robert and Leonie, as well as an address of 12004 Vanowen Street #14, North Hollywood. This is the same address at which Denniston Keith Maxwell, one of Leonie’s younger brothers, resided at, after his immigration to the United States. Denniston was one of Michelle’s uncles.
In a recent Facebook posting, Michelle/Avantae stated: “Never knew anything personal about said uncles, etc. Never asked, never cared.” Really? She shared an address with an uncle? Her uncle lived within a few minutes’ drive from her parents, and Michelle/Avantae never knew anything about him?
As an aside, Michelle/Avantae alleged (or admitted) that she “never cared” about anything personal regarding her uncles. If that is true, what does that tell us about Michelle/Avantae’s fundamental character? Antisocial? Psychopathic? Narcissistic in the extreme?
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On August 2, 1996, Michelle, going by the name Avantae E. Deven, married Tyson Ruben Alvarez in Las Vegas. The two had addresses in common in Arizona, Nevada, and Montana.
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Robert “Adams” died on or about March 2, 1997, in Sedona, Arizona.
Shortly after that, in the spring of 1997, “Nicole Adams” and “Avantae Deven” (both aliases; the correct legal names are Aileen Beverly Leonie Spiegel and Michelle K. Spiegel) purchased a home together in Sedona, on Navahopi Road. Shortly after the purchase, “Nicole” quit-claimed her portion to “Avantae.”
On July 17, 2001, Tyson, still married to “Avantae,” quit-claimed any interest in the Navahopi property to “Avantae,” and had the county recorder send the deed to “Avantae” in care of the Infinity Institute, at that time located at 9101 W. Sahara Ave. Suite 105 C29 (in other words, a private post box), in Las Vegas.
Avantae divorced Tyson in 2006. She had, by then, moved to North Carolina. She “served” Tyson via publication summons, claiming that she was unable to find him, despite his information being on multiple data aggregators.
You can go to various Facebook groups, and other sources, to pull up the documents that people have uncovered showing who is associated with the "Infinity Institute," and in what fashion, and also the addresses that they have used over the years.
In any event, this is the information regarding Robert that I think that people need to be aware of.
Why turn to a known liar and con man for spiritual guidance?
1A tallis is a prayer shawl.
2The ship’s manifest states that he was age 14, which conflicts by one year with what Samuel identified as his date of birth. These errors are not uncommon; his fare could have been purchased when he was age 14 and the records not updated.

Introduction

ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION, Zepp Tokyo for \"Quarter-Century Tour\"

^(\This article is an updated version of my "Sound Like" article from 2021. I have reposted this article due to difficulties editing the original version*, and have included additional information and recommendations based on the increased popularity of amp simulator pedals*)*

Hello fellow musicians and Ajikan fans!
I have been a fan of ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION for roughly 16 years and as a guitarist was greatly inspired by the band's alt rock sound.
After a few years of research I have written a series of "sound like" articles for ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION. The purpose of these articles is to provide context on how the band create their signature sound, and to support beginning musicians or tribute acts who may wish to replicate it.
At the end of each article I have drafted a Budget Rig, which you could use for both at home and in a live environment. I have also provided some general amp settings to tweak and try, which are based on the band's live sound and be can used to help replicate their tones.
This is a 3-part series and if you enjoy this article I would recommend checking out the other articles:
Sound Like ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION Pt.2: Kensuke Kita (2024 version) : AsianKungFuGeneration (reddit.com)
ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION Sound Like Part 3: Yamada : AsianKungFuGeneration (reddit.com)

^{Please note that the article focuses on the band's live sound, which will be different to the albums and can vary depending on the venue. Also (and is a cliché} every musician and instrument will have small differences, so bear that in mind!)

To help you recognise the individual guitar tones, Gotch's guitar parts are normally panned to the left earphone and Kita's are panned to the right earphone on the band's albums. (On 2016's Sol-Fa, Hometown and some of the Planet Folks singles the panning was swapped, with Gotch instead in the right ear and Kita on the left)

Masafumi Gotoh

Gotch live at the 02 Islington, London, 2013
Let's start off with lead singer and rhythm guitarist Masafumi Gotoh, or "Gotch" for short. Gotch's was massively influenced by the 90's alternative rock, Power Pop and the Britpop scene, and has previously highlighted Oasis, Weezer and Number Girl as key inspirations.
As Ajikan's main songwriter, Gotch follows the principle of "less is more" - keeping the arrangements simple for listeners, but combining pop hooks & traditional Asian melodies with the band's punk rock and indie influences.
Gotch's playing style follows this principle, as he primarily uses chord shapes, bar chords or repeated phrases to anchor the band. (The simple approach also makes it easier for Gotch to sing while performing)
Occasionally, Gotch will use "octave chords" (more on octave chords below) or play riffs with open strings notes, to add further depth. A good example of this is the opening riffs to Easter, where he plays an open D string while also playing the 3rd and 5th fret of the A string.

^{Octave Chords: Octave chords is famously used in punk rock and alt rock riffs, and is when you play the same note in two different octaves. Try play a bar chord on the 4th fret of the A string, and lifting your ring finger off the D string. You should get a "C# octave chord" and will recognise it from the intro of Haruka Kanata. Octave chords are used in many Ajikan songs and by many bands, so they are good to practice!}

In more recent albums, Gotch has also experimented with moving chord shapes across the fretboard. For good examples, check out the opening of Caterpillar or the bridge section of Kouya Wo Aruke.
Gotch's guitar tends to be lower in the overall mix, with Kita acting as the band's lead guitarist and Gotch as the anchor for each song. However, Gotch tends to improvise with ambient sounds during live performances and occasionally will take on the lead role in songs like Hold Me Tight.

GUITARS:

When it comes to guitars Gotch almost exclusively plays Gibson Les Paul Jr's with P-90 pickups, and has been his preferred guitar since 2004. The P-90 pickups have a bright midrange sound in comparison to the muddier humbucker sound, which makes them better suited for Gotch's focus on chords.
Gotch main guitar is the 1959 Gibson Les Paul Special
The Les Paul Jr is also lighter and have less sustain and power compared to a normal Les Paul, which leaves space for the other instruments to stand out in the mix.
Gotch's main guitar is a 1959 Gibson Les Paul Special, which he plays in E Standard tuning and uses for both recording and live performances. Gotch also uses a 1961 Gibson Les Paul Jr (with the pickguard missing) or a 2000 Gibson Les Paul DC (with a gloss yellow finish) for songs in Eb/D# tuning, such as After Dark or Soredewa, Mata Ashita.
Gotch's is also famous for using a 1975 Gibson Marauder during the band's early years. Gotch has mostly retired the guitar (due to the "lack of volume" for larger venues), but it regularly appears in MV's, band merchandise and occasionally during special events, such as the 10th anniversary shows in Yokohama.
Gotch's Gibson Marauder
Gotch occasionally uses a few rarer guitars live, such as the Gibson Custom Les Paul Junior John Lennon model (Gotch has number 54 of 300 such guitars made), and is normally played with a capo for songs such as Maigo Inu To Ame No Beat.
Gotch has also used a Gibson Hummingbird for acoustic numbers, and can be seen used in Eizo Sakushin Shu Vol.6 for the band's performance of Kaigan Doori. Gotch likes to use Tortex Flex .88mm & Tortex Flex Triangle .88mm guitar picks, which he swaps between depending on the song.
If you are looking to sound like Gotch, the best place to start would be a Les Paul Jr guitar with P-90 pickups.

AMPLIFIERS:

After originally touring with a Roland JC-22, Gotch has almost exclusively played Fender amplifiers since 2004. Gotch uses two amps when playing live, one for his "clean" sound and the other for his "heavy" sound.
The band's often implement a "quiet/loud" dynamic into their song writing, so Gotch will often switch between his amps during live performances, using a custom made footswitch on his pedalboard. (A good example of this is Mustang or Solanin)
For his clean tone, Gotch uses a Fender 65' Twin Custom Twin 15. It can be heard on Korogaru Iwa, Kimi ni Asa Ga Furu, Solanin and Wonder Future. Occasionally, Gotch will combine the Twin Reverb with a boost pedal or overdrive pedal for more clarity, with Wonder Future a good examples of this.
(1) Fender '65 Twin Custom 15 (clean tone), (2) Fender Vibro-King Custom, (3) Fender Super-Sonic 60 Head (which uses the Vibro-King as a speaker), (4) Fender '63 Spring Reverb (which runs in between the pedal board and the Super-Sonic 60, and is toggled on or off by a switch)
For his heavier tone, Gotch primarily uses a Fender Vibro-King Custom for recording and appears in most of the band's MV's. The Vibro-King/Twin Reverb was Gotch's main setup during the 2000's and can be seen together on Eizo Sakushin Shu Vol. 6.
In 2009 Gotch started to use a Fender Super-Sonic 60 Amp Head and still uses it now. Until 2022, Gotch would use Vibro-King as a "cabinet", acting as the speaker unit for the Super-Sonic. Gotch now uses a Shinos & L Rocket Head for live shows, but has kept the Vibro-king for recording sessions and MVs.
Since 2022 Gotch has used Shinos & L Rocket amp & cabinet instead of the Fender Vibro-King
Gotch "heavy" amps for songs such as Re:Re:, Haruka Kanata and Rewrite. It is important to note that Gotch prefers to use his amps to create his distorted tone, but will occasionally add an overdrive pedal for heavier tracks such as Blood Circulator & Easter.
Alongside the Twin Reverb and Super-Sonic, Gotch is known to use a Fender 63' Spring Reverb Unit. This unit only runs into the Super-Sonic and is used for additional reverb to "thicken the sound". Gotch can control the 63' Reverb with a on/off switch on his pedal board.
Other notable amps that Gotch has used are the Matchless C30 & Bad Cat 30R Head. Both have been used exclusively for recording, most notably on Wonder Future. Gotch is also known to use VOX AC15 amps for recording.
Gotch's '63 Spring Reverb Unit, along with a selection of Vortex Flex .88m picks

In terms of mics, Gotch seems to use a Shure SM57 for his Fender Twin Reverb and a Shure SM58 on his Vibro-King or Shinos Rocket. When you are trying to emulate his sound with modelling or profiling amps, it is worth experimenting with mic positioning and different mics.

If you want to replicate Gotch's amp sound then you should look to replicate his Fender amps. However the Vibro-King is a key component and are unfortunately rare, notoriously loud and expensive. For that reason, I have put together some alternatives that should get you close.

PEDALS & EFFECTS:

During Ajikan's early years, Gotch combined a Roland JC-22 with a ProCo RAT to create the "quiet/loud" dynamic of the band's early records. After buying the Fender Vibro-King in 2004, Gotch no longer required the RAT, but kept a simplified pedalboard to achieve certain tones for live performances.
Gotch's 2004 pedalboard, which includes the ProCo RAT and Ibanez TS9 Tube Screamer
We will cover two different pedalboards that Gotch has used during the band's career. Regardless of which pedal board you look at, Gotch's has always included an overdrive or boost pedal, a phase pedal and a delay pedal.
The boost/overdrive is used to "lift" his clean sound during ballads (Solanin, Wonder Future) or to thicken his sound for heavier tracks. (Senseless, Dororo) Gotch will normally set the drive or gain low and the volume high.
The phaser is a more sparingly used pedal to add texture and colour, but can be heard on Shinkokyū, Blue Train and Rewrite. I will include more detail on Gotch's use of delay in the sections below.
Gotch's "Classic" Pedalboard
Gotch \"classic\" pedalboard, used between 2006-2013, with Gotch's custom made footswitch on the bottom left to control the amps
Gotch started to use this "classic" board during the Fanclub tour and continued to do so until the 10th Anniversary shows in 2013. This would be the easier and more affordable board to replicate for newcomers.
Gotch's setup started with a BOSS TU-3 tuner, which he also used as a "mute" pedal in between songs. From there, his chain would run into the Ibanez TS808 Tube Screamer, the BOSS PH-2 Super Phaser and the BOSS DD-20 Giga Delay. During the Magic Disk tour, Gotch also added a Custom Audio Tremolo.

^{The BOSS DD-20} *^{has been Gotch's main delay pedal for twenty years and is set to "warp". On the warp setting, Gotch can keep his foot on the pedal to create swells of delays. Gotch's standard setting is 173-179bpm (beats per minute} on 1/4 notes and then he has 4 presets. These are 137bpm on 1/4 (for) ^Blackout, 154bpm on 1/4 (for) ^{Kakato de Ai o Uchinarase}, 177 on 1/2 (for) ^{Solanin and the intro of Siren} and 177bpm on 1/4 (for the 2nd half of) ^Siren)

Gotch also included two footswitches for his board; The first one was a handmade footswitch, which he used to swap between the Twin Reverb and the Vibro-King/Super-Sonic. The other footswitch was a BOSS FS-5L, which he used to control the '63 Spring Reverb Unit.
Gotch's "Modern" Pedalboard
Gotch's \"modern\" pedal board.【Pedal List】(1) api/TranZformer GT (compressoequalizer) (2) BOSS/TU-3 (tuner) (3) Spaceman Effects/Atlas III (preamp) (4) BOSS/DD-6 (delay) (5) Spaceman Effects/Voyager I (tremolo) (6) EarthQuaker Devices/Avalanche Run (delay/reverb) (7) Mu-Tron/Mu-FX Phasor 2X (phaser) (8) Caroline Guitar Company/KILOBYTE (9) BOSS/DD-20 (delay) (10) Handmade/Line Selector (11) FAT/514.D (booster)(12) strymon/Zuma R300 (power supply) (13)BOSS/EV-30 (Expression Pedal) (14) BOSS/FS-5L (foot switch)
During the recording of Wonder Future and his first solo album (Can't Be Forever Young), Gotch began to experiment more with boutique pedals, and has resulted in a more complex board since 2014, allowing more ambient experiments on the band's records and during live performances.
Gotch has added a API Tranzformer GT to the start of his chain, only using the E.Q. section and tweaking the settings for each venue.
Gotch's "Modern" board now includes a variety of delay and reverb pedals, such as the Earthquaker Device Avalanche Run and the Caroline Kilobyte Lo-Fi Delay. These are combined with his DD-20 to create the ambient sounds heard on Empathy & the outro of Demachiyanagi Parallel Universe.
The BOSS DD-6 Digital Delay is set to the "reverse" mode and is used during the intro of Re:Re: and the bridge of Rewrite. Gotch has removed the Tube-Screamer from his board and has experimented with multiple alternative pedals, which includes the Xotic Effects AC Plus and JHS Superbolt.
He currently uses the Atlas III Preamp Booster and the FAT 514.D for his overdrive sounds. The 514.D only runs to the Super-Sonic to help "thicken" the distorted tone of the Super-Sonic.
Gotch has also replaced the Super Phaser with the MU-FX Phasor 2x and is using a Voyager I Spaceman for his tremolo. (UCLA & No Name are good references for the tremolo) Finally, Gotch has added an BOSS EV-30 expression pedal, which he uses to control the delay of the Avalanche Run.
If you are looking to replicate Gotch's pedalboard, the best place to start would be a phaser, delay and a boost/overdrive pedal, which would cover most of Ajikan's Discography.

Sound Like Gotch...On a Budget

Now that you are up to speed on what Gotch uses for his guitar rig, we can start to look at replicating his sound. The idea of this section is to offer affordable suggestions to replicate Gotch's tone that can be used for home use and for small live venues.
I would like to highlight that I am just writing as a fan and the equipment I recommend are purely my own recommendations. I do not have any sponsors (I wish I did sometimes) and if you find alternatives that work for you, go for it!
Gotch performing in 2022, during the Quarter Century shows in Yokohama
To buy Gotch's current pedal board alone would cost roughly £2,500 and would be unrealistic for most readers to purchase, however there are options that can get us close to Gotch's tone without breaking the bank.
The key elements to this rig are:

• A Gibson style guitar with P-90 pickups
• A Fender amp with decent distortion
• A Tube-Screamer style overdrive
• A flexible Delay pedal

Let's start with the guitar, which is both important for the P-90 tone. You should always feel comfortable when playing the guitar you pick, so I recommend trying out the guitar when possible before buying.
GUITARS
As an affordable guitar, I would suggest looking at the Epiphone Les Paul Jr. It is the entry level price for Gibson guitars (Epiphone would be the equivalent to "Squier" for Fender) and includes P-90 pickups as the standard setup. You can buy one for around £380 and should also be fairly easy to modify & similar to Gotch's sound.
Epiphone Les Paul Junior
If you do have a higher budget to work with, I would recommend the Gibson Les Paul Special Tribute DC. These were released in 2019 and you can normally find a 2nd hand version for roughly £650 - £800. (It is also the guitar I currently use!) Failing that, you can also look at the Gibson Les Paul Special for around £800.
Gibson Les Paul Special Tribute DC
AMPLIFIERS
We are looking to replicate Gotch's Fender amps, so the affordable option to start with would be the Fender Mustang GTX. The newer Mustang amps are an improvement on the original and have simulations of the Twin Reverb, the Vibro-King and the Super-Sonic.
The GTX 50 (which has a smaller speaker) is roughly £390 and the GTX 100 (which includes a footswitch) is about £510, but you should be able to find both versions for a reduced cost second hand.
Fender Mustang GTX 100
If you do have a higher budget or prefer to use a tube amp, I would recommend going for the Fender Super-Sonic Combo or the Fender Hot Rod Deluxe for a solid distorted Fender tone.
Alternatively, you could consider the Fender Blues Junior, Fender Tone Master Twin-Reverb or Roland JC, and combine them with a ProCo RAT to replicate the tones from Houkai Amplifier and Kimi Tsunagi Five M.
PEDALS
To keep the list of suggestions short and simple, we will use Gotch's "classic" board as a reference and will cover most of the band's discography.
For a budget rig, I would recommend the Ibanez Tube-Screamer Mini, which is a miniature version of the standard Ibanez Tube-Screamer and sound great for the price. You could pair this up with a Boss Phase Shifter and a BOSS DD-6 Delay for around £309 brand new to get a very similar Gotch board. (You could buy them for as low as £110 combined on the 2nd hand market)
The Tube Screamer Mini is a cheap, effective overdrive pedal based on the classic TS808
For a more expensive pedalboard, the JHS Superbolt V2 was used by Gotch extensively between 2015-2019 and was once described by Gotch as "the Ajikan sound" on his blog. You could also buy the TS808 Tube Screamer that Gotch actually used for many years or the JHS Bonsai 9 which emulates multiple tube screamers.
For modulation sounds (phase, tremolo) the AmpliTube X-Vibe is one of many great multi-effect pedal on the market. If you have the money for it, you could buy a BOSS DD-20 second hand or the BOSS DD-200 to emulate Gotch's delay sound.
If you decided to go with the Mustang GTX, you would also have a selection of effects built into the amp.
THE TONE MASTER PRO? (and amp simulators)
As a final recommendation, Fender have recently released the Tone Master Pro (TMP), which is a multi effects and amp simulator.
It can be used as a device for home recording, but also as multi effects pedal in front of a standard amp or as your main amplifier when played through a IR cabinet. (I'll go into more detail in a bit!) The TMP are not cheap at £1400, so I would only advise buying one if you plan to use it as your main amp and effects board.
If you have the budget and was starting your rig from scratch I would consider checking it out, as it includes great simulations of the Twin Reverb and Vibro-King. They are also easy to transport & the Fender IR cabinets only weigh 12.5kg. (For comparison, my VOX AC15 weighs 30kg and is a nightmare to transport for shows)
The TMP is Fender's first amp simulator pedal and from what I understand the Quad Cortex DSP, the Line 6 Helix series and the Headrush Pedalboard are more popular choices. However, for the purpose of "sounding like Gotch", I would start with the TMP for its Fender selection and simplicity
The Fender Tone Master Pro can be used to simulate multiple amps & as a pedalboard for live performances

^{If you decide to buy a Amp Simulator Pedal, there are 3 common ways to use it for band practices & live settings. (Outside of just using headphones or running straight to front of house at a venue:
Option 1: Only use the effects on the Amp Simulator and run it into a standard amp. (Make sure to not use the cabinets settings within the pedal when doing this. You could still use the amp settings, however they may clash with the physical amps and do not always sound great
Option 2: Use the Amp Simulator as your main amp and combining with a standard guitar cabinet. In order to do this, you will need to buy a separate power amp pedal to run in between the amp simulator and the guitar cabinet. (Otherwise you will not have any volume or oomph when you play through the cabinet}\*)*
^{Option 3: Buy a IR Cabinet. The difference between this and Option 2 is that you would not need to buy a separate power amp pedal to run into the speaker. The Fender FR-10/12 & Line 6 Powercab are good examples.}

Recommended Amp Settings

The following amp settings are based on photos gathered from live performances or from photos of Gotch's social media. Every amp will slightly differ based on your guitar or playing style, so you may need to tweak with your settings to find the right blend.
My personal advice is to not put the gain too high and to start with getting the treble and bass settings where you feel comfortable, before tweaking the mids. The P-90s have a strong midrange attack, so bear that in mind as well.
Gotch's Vibro-King and Super-Sonic
Fender '65 Twin Custom 15:
(Plugged into Vibrato 1) Vol: 3, Treble: 3.5-4, Mid: 6.5, Bass: 3.5
Fender Super-Sonic 60 Head:
Channel 1: Vol: 3.5, Treble: 4-4.5, Bass: 5
Channel 2: Vintage setting ON, Gain 1: 4, Gain 2: 0, Treble: 5-5.5, Bass: 4.5-5, Mid: 5.5, Vol: 5.5-6
Fender Vibro-King Custom (as cabinet):
Plug into the speaker input at the back of the amp, with FAT switch on.
Fender Vibro-King Custom (as amplifier):
(FAT ON) Vol: 3, Treble: 4.5, Bass: 4, Mid: 5.5 (Based on Eizo Sakushin Shu Vol.6 settings)
OR
(FAT ON) Vol: 4.5 Treble: 4 Bass: 5 Mid: 4.5
Shinos & L Rocket Head:
Gain: 7, Treble: 8, Bass: 3, Reverb: 0, Master: 7

Conclusion

I hope this has been helpful for you guys, as it has been on my bucket list for some time! Please provide some feedback as it is always appreciated and if you would like more details about the effect settings let me know.

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