I'm writing this on a throwaway account since these people know my main and actively engage with it. This is also gonna be a pretty long post since I'd like to provide context on how I even ended up where I am today so strap on in. Also apologies if any of this doesn't make sense, I'm pretty upset and stressed out and I've not slept in what feels like weeks. I have a lot of anxiety about all of this.
I started my first year in uni last year in September and met a couple of people I thought were nice enough on the first day. I'll call them 'G' and 'M'. I thought they were nice at first and we got closer as the weeks went by. G and M are also engaged so we talked about weddings quite often. They're are also cosplayers which becomes key in this. We got a lot closer around a time they were going to a con. Their previous friend had dropped out last minute but since they had already paid for everything they invited me. I also wanted to get into cosplaying at the time so I saw this as a perfect opportunity. I would spend nights at their dorms getting know them and we instantly got a long.
At the time, I was very nieve to all the red flags they were presenting as they were unusually willing to let me know EVERY detail of their life, including their sex life and what not. I found it werid but chalked it up to them being very comfortable around me which I found to be a compliment at the time but looking back, I now knew what was up.
(A little but of important info here but I had just feld a country 5 months prior to escape the abuse I was experiencing at home and went to live with my mum. G and M knew this and knew about my dad in depth)
Con comes around and they introduced me to a group of friends who were instantly very reserved around me. I chalked it up to nerves and thought that maybe they're just nervous which is understandable. This was until everytime I would speak they would give me dirty looks, talk over me and even dismiss me. M had also picked up a habit of making a lot of things about himself and anything I found interesting, he would make it clear that he didn't want to know, even telling me that he just doesn't want to hear it. When I went to meet a YouTube who attended the con, he seemed annoyed when I was excited and told me to stop being so excited since this was his 3rd time meeting them.
By time I got back home, their dismissing and also just really shitty attitude throughout left a sour taste in my mouth. However, I just chalked it up to nerves at the time.
A month goes by and they intoeduce me to another cosplayer who I quickly became friends with. When I told G about this, they told me to stop talking to them since I'll brea their heart as they "fall in love easily". I really didn't get that sentiment but still continued talking. Nothing romantic was ever talked about.
Then I started feel more attached to these people. They were practically in my life 24/7, I wa sin their dorms over nights almost everyday and began picking up the same eating habits as them as well. It's also worth noting that these people are "disabled" which is still up to debate.
They would frequently interrupted anything I enjoyed and conveniently pass out EVERYTIME I talked about something I liked or wanted to do. I also suffer with VERY acute psychosis which has been well treated for many years. They would constantly tell me that any doubts I had were just to do with my paranoia and that I should just ignore it. That or they would tell me that I was being manipulative and seeking attention.
This was all very sus but up until the incident I chalked it up to learned behaviour as I know one of them suffers with PTSD like I do.
At some point around this time, I had developed a severe kidney infection which almost turned into sepsis and I had to get the ambulance out to me. I'm no stranger to ambulances as I also have them out frequently due to severe panic attacks which almost cause a seizure and a heart attack I'm some cases.
Strangely after this, despite telling me that they've never had an ambulance out to them, for anything small like an ache they would call 111 which they didn't know before I had told them. 111 in the UK is the none emergency line that can send out am ambulance if you need it. However in a lot of the cases M had, they were perfectly fine but would cry and sob on the phone and say they felt like dying. Of course they send out an ambulance to check on them but it would always be fine.
Worried as I was all the time, I neglected my studies to take care of them and I'd spend a lot on them since I felt the compulsive need to take care of them. They would also guilt trio me with the fact that they were both previously homeless in their childhoods so I needed to get them something in return. I ended up spending over 300 pounds a month on them.
I caught M out one though since the uni I go to, require the ambulances to inform the reception first for permission and to unlock all the doors for them. Before going up to M, I had to go to reception to ask if they would let me in. When I informed they why, they were confused and said that there were no ambulances that parked up at all, not even firefighters which sometimes arrive for medical aid occasionally.
Moving forward a lil I had started to grown attached to them more to the point where I thought I liked them. They expressed to me previously that they're poly and so am I. M had even stated to me that when they first met me they found me attractive and wanted to potentially have relationship.
One day I decided to just confess over text making it extremely clear to them that they had to think about it first so that we did not rush into things and make things worse. If they wanted to be friends then i would be ok with that and I made myself very clear 3 or 4 times within the text.
Instantly, because i was in the room next to them, they came in and told me that they loved me. They hugged me and cuddled me for a while until we went into M room. I was in G room at the time. Suddenly, they both got completely naked in front of me. I had told them that I'm ok with boxers and a shirt since they were more like shorts but getting naked? I was shocked but just went along with it. I was in a shirt and boxers until they told me that i should join them and take my top and bra off (we're all under the trans umbrella). They both persisted and feeling pressured I took my shirt and bra off and joined them in bed. Then G opens up a folder on their phone of their nudes together which I was in shock for. I knew they had it but tbh, I didn't really want to see it. They then expressed how our previous shopping trip to a sex store (we're adults and we go in there cause why not) was a test to see if I would take the hint they liked me. I'm autistic but even I could tell that that was a lie. There were never any discussions of that nature that took place that day.
They then went on about their sex life in full detail. I'm not particularly fond of the idea of personally having sex within the first few months of dating since I'm very frigid about that sort of thing. I'm not stranger to sled pleasure but anything like that is entirely different and I wanted my boundaries to be known then and there. There were a few touches here and there after that, all of which would explicitly done with consent as I have had encounters with SA previously. They knew this.
After that day, they all of a sudden stopped talking me completely. We were on uni break so it wasn't like I could talk to them in class about it either. I felt alone and like I had done something wrong. This sent me onto a pretty bad depressive episode which triggered a small psychotic episode to occur. During which they would constantly tell me when they did feel like talking to me that i was just like my dad (abuser) and that I was being annoying and paranoid about everything. I have since talked to me my mum about this since my memory is a little hazy from that time and she said that the only thing that could've given the episode away was my sudden belief in a god and afterlife. I'm an atheist and grew up that way. But G and M were mostly referring to the fact that on numerous occasions I had called them out on body shaming me, using me as fatspo to fuel their own anorexia and belittling language they would against me constantly. This was even present in class alot since some students who I'm now friends with even stated that they acted as if they ere higher than everyone. Anytime you didn't give them attention, they'd start going on about suicide or passing out only to wake up seconds later.
They also claim to have DID and that one of their alters had encephalitis. This wasn't just a symptom holder either. They would claim they all had it and even told paramedics who were caring for another patient who had broke their leg on campus at the time that they had it. Although after this, they came back pissed to the paramedics caught on pretty quickly that this was a lie.
Months of this built up a full mental breakdown and I had one of the most server panic attacks of my life. I had to be admitted onto A&E where u saw the mental health team to discuss as safety plan since I was have frequent bouts of this. I've always felt with hallucinations since I was 8 but never like I had on that day and to this day, the only thing I can fully remember is the feeling and vision I had. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
G and M response to this? They went to my friend who was packing my bag at the time and told them that if they didn't pack it the right way I would hate them. They actually cold apparently and not once did they ask how I was. When I got home, I only saw one text saying "hey, Ik your in A&E but you can tell me in your own time what happend."
They were very much disinterested me and I began to be fed up with them. I had an upcoming concert with them not long after so I figured I'd keep the peace until them and they distance myself from them since I was clearly suffering from it all. Around this time, I had randomly been kicked out of the discord we had together with the people we met at con. I asked around they just gave one word responses. I had attempted to be friends with them before but annoyed by their sudden disinterest in me again, I just moved on.
Fast forward and I'm logging in on minecraft to a shared server we had. I used this server as a coping mechanism since it was literally the only thing that got me out of bed and moving to a degree some days. However everything I ahd built was gone. All my pent uo frustration just let itself out and I started crying down the phone over a voice message to G. I was a bit pissed but overly. Key thing note however is that I was having a go at them and in no way screaming at them which they later claimed I did. I even showed my mum and therapist and they were both in agreement that I was not shouting nor did I even raise my voice. It sounded more like I was upset than anything else.
G then said that they lost trust me because of this and that they wanted some distance for a while. I apologies profusely, even getting my mum to help me since I was I no way fit to text. However, a dumb mistake we made was sending the same apology over to the both of them, the only difference being their name. G then stated that because of the name, that they felt like I wasn't actually apologising and didn't wanna hear it. I tried to clear things up but the they told me that I had no excuse to act this way towards them since they were "such a good friend to me". After this, i went on call with a friend of mine who is my ex. However we ended on pretty good terms and are still close to this day. They even look after my cat for me.
I'm gonna call him J. J can be the over protective type so in response to my distress texted G ti find out more about why they were so cold about everything and in his mind, over reacted to something so insignificant like minecraft. This is where they made the claimed that I had screamed at them and I sent them into a PTSD attack. What J did notice though was that the story they gave was almost word for word of a panic attack in had explained to J about, almost like they copied it and changed a few things. They the proceeded to tell me that I was abusing them in that moment and that i was exactly like their dad (who's a pedo btw). Hurt by this and the fact that I had told J to NOT text G at all, I ended thinsg of stating my true feelings about everything and said that I never wanted to see them again. It felt good to get it off my chest and honestly freeing. The weeks after that were spent healing in therapy with my mum who both agreed that their actions in the past were more akin to.emotional bullying. Om still coming to terms with this I had trusted them with every fibre of my being. It felt like my heart was being ripped apart whoever, I stated talking to new people in my class around that time. Each of them said that they had notice the same behaviours towards me themselves and were honestly concerned for my safety since they would frequently talk shit about me behind my back. They then put on their snapchat story the next day that they were greatful for the friend they had and got rid of dead weight in their life. They also chalk up their sudden change to be apart of their BPD which if you have seen the eyes of someone who's manic, you'd know that it has a distinct look. The photos they took of themselves really disturbed me as you can clearly tell they're not right in the head at all. The eyes were dark and blown fully. Their eyes just looks black and soulless. I showed another friend who has BPD to confirm if it was what I was thinking and they agreed. It was unnerving and I honestly felt uncomfortable. I couldn't sleep well that night. They looked like they belonged in those headshots of convicts who had just been arrested and still are clearly under the influence. After this I also sent out a text containing context to everything to the group chat since I knew they were gonna manipulate things. I have seen them in person do it and it's honestly disturbing to see. Each one responded telling me that I was a liar and that I should feel ashamed of myself. One even told me they weren't gonna hear me out since they didn't know me well which I think is just a werid line of logic to have tbh. One even accused me of faking my disability which I quick proved to be false which silenced them. I've since blocked every single one of them since I don't wnat anything to do with them at all. I don't want them to know about my life and twist things again to hurt me. Forgive me if I'm over doing it but honestly, it was like I was talking to group of psychopaths who didn't care for anyone but themselves. Their past actions certainly proved that much.
Fast forward a week and I'm out shopping with friends all of a sudden, at even location we were at G was there. These were bookshops that were not well known the area and hidden very well so there would be no way G would know about them, especially since they don't like reading. G still followed one of my friends on snapchat and we found out by testing that every post we'd make, with or without the location attached, G would be right there moments later. Creeper out we ended the day for our own safety and went home.
Ever since all that, I have been taking to a friend of mine who G and M claimed abused them although with the evidence I have seen, it was the complete opposite. G was a regular drug user and would constantly use drugs as an excuse for their actions. My friend also suffered heavily with mental health problems and physical ailments that they need physio therapy for. G and M would constantly tell them they were faking and that they should stop acting like they were in pain. This is similar to an incident where they stated that I was not physically disabled cause they couldn't see it. Which is stupid honestly. By law, I am classed as disabled as to this day I struggle diary with ankle and knee problems due to a late development. I frequently use my braces but I don't use a cane since I'm too self conscious despite it being recommended to me by my doctors.
It hurt to see that they were treated this way and we bonded over shared experiences. There were also other people they had done this too.
Finally getting to the main issue, recently a con just took place which I had to cancel last minute since a family member died and I had to fly back over to my previous country to attend the funeral. The friend that G and M introduced to me started getting closer to them which I honestly didn't pay much mind to since I'm now just done with that shit. However, it wast until now that I feel uncomfortable. All of a sudden, this friend, ill call them O, had removed me from their private account for "safety reasons" and said they had done this to othe people. It didn't take long before I saw with my own eyes that it was just me. G and M have a nasty habit of spreading false rumours and if you know the cosplay community well, that shit spreads liek wildfire. It doesn't have that they have a sizable following compared to mine and know alot more people than I do. I honestly think they're tryna turn people against me and I don't know what to do at this point. I want them to leave me alone and keep my name out of things. I have had so many great days ever since we stopped being friends and my health has also improved dramatically. I'm not having as many panic attacks or severe ones either and I've not had a depressive episode like the ones before ever since.
I don't want to be dragged down like this and I wanted to defend myself however I know for a fact they have more influence then me so many people will side with them just like the group chat did. I don't know what to do anymore and I really don't want things to kick off again either. If I sense any drama starting at all I will just block people cause I'm just not having it. It's all child's play and they honestly need to fucking grow up and grow some balls or something. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thoughts?

**Trigger warning for in-depth discussion of the deaths and bodies of children*\*
Many of you probably know the story of the Unknown Child, or Body #4 – the body of a baby boy recovered from the sea shortly after the sinking of the Titanic and buried in Halifax’s Fairview Cemetery. Unidentified for years, he was speculated to be either Gosta Palsson or Eugene Rice, tentatively identified with DNA analysis as Eino Panula in 2002, and definitively identified through improved DNA testing in 2007 as Sidney Goodwin. The Unknown Child has come to represent all the young lives who were lost in the disaster.
However, much less well-known is the mystery of Body #1. Pulled from the icy Atlantic on April 21^st 1912 by the cable ship Mackay Bennett, the body of an approximately 10-12-year-old boy was the first of 337 Titanic victims to be recovered. Officially, Body #1 was identified as Walter John van Billiard, a 9-year-old third-class boy who perished along with his father Austin and 10-year-old brother James William. He was buried next to his father, whose body was also recovered, in the Whitemarsh Union Cemetery of Zion Lutheran Church, Flourtown, Pennsylvania. However, doubt has always lingered among Titanic researchers and enthusiasts over the true identity of the body. In this post, I’ll examine the case for and against the body’s identification as Walter Van Billiard, investigate some other possibilities for its identity, and summarize my findings.
A few disclaimers: firstly, I’m not a professional, just someone who’s been interested in the Titanic (and specifically its child/teen passengers) for a long time.
Secondly, although I’ve never seen a detailed write-up on Body #1 before, others have discussed this topic and arrived at similar conclusions as mine, so I’m not breaking any entirely new ground here.
Finally, this post isn’t meant to disrespect or offend any of the Van Billiard family or to shatter the idea of a father and son resting beside each other. I’m just trying to take a critical look at the identification of Body #1 and suggest some alternate possibilities.
Approximately 115 Titanic passengers and crew under the age of 18 were lost, and very few of their bodies were ever found. In attempting to identify one of them, I hope to honour them all.

Part I: The Van Billiards

Walter and James van Billiard (photo here) were the two eldest sons of Austin Blyler van Billiard and Maude Murray. One or both boys had been born in Paris, France, but spent most of their lives in Africa, where the family was engaged in diamond mining. By April 1912, the Van Billiards had had four more children and wanted to return to Austin’s family in North Wales, Pennsylvania. They travelled to London, where Maude fell ill. It was decided that she would stay there with her parents and her four youngest children to recuperate, while Austin would take James and Walter ahead to America. Austin’s parents had never met any of their grandchildren before, and he wanted them to spend Easter together. Tragically, they booked third-class on the RMS Titanic, and the rest is history. No survivor accounts mention the Van Billiards by name, so it is unknown how they passed their time on the ship or how exactly they met their ends. A newspaper article (Daily Home News, April 23rd 1912) suggests the boys may have refused to leave their father, but it’s equally likely they simply arrived on deck too late to have the option of boarding a lifeboat.
What is known is that two bodies purported to be members of the Van Billiard family were later recovered and sent to Austin’s relatives in Pennsylvania for burial. Body #255, that of an approximately 40-year-old man with a dark red beard and moustache, was identified as Austin. Body #1, allegedly young Walter, was described as such:
No. 1 – MALE – ESTIMATED AGE. – 10-12. – HAIR. LIGHT.
CLOTHING – Overcoat, grey; one grey coat; one blue coat; grey woolen jersey; white shirt; grey knickers; black stockings; black boots
EFFECTS – Purse containing few Danish coins and ring; two handkerchiefs marked “A”.
Probably Third Class.
Furthermore, the “Inventory of the property found on the body of the late W. VanBilliard” adds that the purse also contained one United States cent and “three wooden disks.” This document can be viewed online at the Nova Scotia Archives website. Interestingly, “Unable to identify from clothing or effects” has been written across the middle of the page in pencil. Further down, it says “Remains shipped. See #255.”
Right off the bat, it's unclear why Body #1 was identified as that of 9-year-old Walter, as opposed to 10-year-old James – or, in fact, why a connection with the Van Billiards was made at all. The Philadelphia Inquirer of May 8^th 1912, reporting on the arrival of the bodies in Pennsylvania, states that identification was made “through the Red Cross Society and papers found on their persons.” However, no such papers are mentioned among the effects found on either body, despite this being common practice for the descriptions of Titanic victims’ bodies.
It is also noteworthy that no member of the Van Billiard family was reported as having identified or even viewed the bodies. Identification would, of course, have taken place at Halifax, where the recovered bodies were brought before being buried there or forwarded elsewhere, and I could find absolutely nothing to suggest that any Van Billiard travelled to Halifax to view them. The North American newspaper of May 8th 1912 states quite clearly that Austin’s father, Burgess James van Billiard, was in Pennsylvania when the bodies arrived. Maude and the other children were still in England, and in fact would not make the trip to America until February 1913, almost a full year after the disaster.
Moreover, it must be remembered that none of the Van Billiard family members in America had ever seen their grandsons. They may have seen photographs of them, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that they’d be able to identify a body which had spent six days floating in the freezing ocean. There are stories from other maritime disasters of the era, such as the General Slocum (1904), the Eastland (1915), and the Princess Sophia (1918) of children’s bodies being misidentified (or dubiously identified), even by close relatives. Therefore, even if Burgess van Billiard or another family member had seen Body #1, would that have conclusively proven that it was Walter (or James)? Or would it simply be a case of a grief-stricken human being clinging to the belief that their loved one was one of the few recovered from an icy grave?
According to Judith Geller’s Titanic: Women and Children First, “popular reports” of the time stated that Austin’s body was found with Walter’s clasped to his chest. However, as she goes on to state, this was not the case. This can be seen plainly from the numbers of the bodies, which were assigned in the order that they were retrieved. Body #1 was recovered on April 21^st, while Body #255 would not have been picked up until April 25^th, according to the diary of Mackay Bennett crewman Clifford Crease. Therefore, identification of Body #1 cannot have been made by its proximity to Austin Van Billiard.
The effects found upon Body #1 also do nothing to prove, or even suggest, that the body was that of Walter Van Billiard. It is true that the handkerchiefs marked “A” could have belonged to Austin, but “A” could stand for many other names of those on board the Titanic. The Danish coins are a tantalizing clue, but none of the Van Billiard family was known to have lived in or visited Denmark. (Of course, it’s possible that the coins could have been misidentified – perhaps they were actually Belgian or Boer, as the Van Billiards lived in both the Belgian Congo and South Africa; or Dutch, as Austin Van Billiard is known to have visited Amsterdam shortly before embarking on the Titanic. (Perhaps the “A” handkerchief was a souvenir from the city?) However, these are only theories.)
It has never been conclusively accepted by Titanic researchers and enthusiasts that Body #1 is that of Walter Van Billiard. Walter’s entry on Encyclopedia Titanica contains the footnote: “Because of the effects recovered with the body there has to be some doubt over the authenticity of the identification.” Similarly, Women and Children First states that “the body might in fact have easily been that of another Third Class boy.” That book’s section on the Van Billiards ends with the somber observation that “a monument to [the] husband and two sons … stands in the Whitemarsh Union Cemetery, but only two (and perhaps one) of them lie beneath it.” Whether or not Walter van Billiard was truly Body #1, one hopes that this (mis?)identification brought some solace to his surviving family members.

Part II: Other Possibilities

With it being established that there is no conclusive proof that body #1 belonged to either of the Van Billiard boys, let us examine other possibilities. I have assembled a list of all male Titanic victims between the ages of 8 and 14 whose bodies were never found. The reason for extending this range is that the estimated ages given to bodies were not always entirely accurate. For example, the body of 12-year-old William Sage was estimated to be 14, the body of 16-year-old Rossmore Abbott was estimated as 22, and the body of 17-year-old Ernest Price was estimated as 26.
Our candidates are:

1. Eugene Joseph Abbott, 13
2. Filip Oscar Asplund, 13
3. Clarence Gustaf Hugo Asplund, 9
4. William Neal Thomas Ford, 14
5. Charles Edward Goodwin, 14
6. William Frederick Goodwin, 13
7. Harold Victor Goodwin, 10
8. Frederick William Hopkins, 14
9. Husayn Mahmud Husayn Ibrahim, 11
10. William Andrew Johnston, 8
11. Albert Rice, 10
12. George Rice, 8
13. Betros Seman, 10
14. Karl Thorsten Skoog, 11
15. George Frederick Sweet, 14
16. William Albert Watson, 14

A few possibilities can be easily excluded from this list:

• Karl Skoog had been involved in a railway accident at the age of 7 and had to have his left leg and the toes on his right foot amputated. He used crutches for mobility. It is impossible that such an obvious feature as a missing or prosthetic leg would not have been noted in the descriptions of the bodies.
• Husayn Ibrahim and Betros Seman were from Lebanon. It is unlikely (though not impossible) that a Middle Eastern boy would have had blonde hair or carried Danish coins. Accounts from the era almost invariably describe Middle Eastern passengers as “dark-complexioned,” “foreign-looking,” or “Italian types” – a detail which does not appear in the body’s description.

Several more possibilities can be marked as unlikely, if not ruled out entirely:

• In the only known photo of the Goodwin family, the boys all seem to have had dark hair. The eldest boy, Charles, was also only 2 months away from his 15^th birthday, putting him at the very edge of our age range and making it relatively unlikely that he would be mistaken for a 10-12-year-old (let alone one who could feasibly be 9 years old).
  • However, one point in the Goodwins’ favour is that the body of their youngest brother, Sidney Leslie (the ‘Unknown Child’) was found, meaning at least one member of the family was above decks at the moment of the sinking.
• George Frederick Sweet was one day away from turning 15, and was not permitted (or did not want) to board a lifeboat along with his adoptive mother and sisters, implying that he looked his age and could not have been mistaken for a preteen. A purported* photograph of him circa 1912 also shows him as dark-haired. Finally, he was in second class, while the body was described as “probably third class” (although this is hardly conclusive).
• Frederick Hopkins and William Watson were members of the crew, Hopkins being a plate steward and Watson a bellboy. It is therefore possible, if not certain, that they would have been wearing some sort of uniform rather than the clothing the body was described as wearing. Furthermore, like Charles Goodwin and George Sweet, both were within several months of turning 15.

Our list is thus reduced to:

1. Eugene Joseph Abbott, 13
2. Filip Oscar Asplund, 13
3. Clarence Gustaf Hugo Asplund, 9
4. William Neal Thomas Ford, 14
5. William Andrew Johnston, 8
6. Albert Rice, 10
7. George Rice, 8

Now, let us look at each of these boys in turn and examine the evidence for and against them being Body #1.
Eugene Joseph Abbott:

• His last name starts with A, meaning the handkerchief could be his.
• He was originally from (and was returning to) the U.S., so may have carried American money.
• He was just 2 weeks past his 13^th birthday, meaning he could likely have passed for 12 (within the estimated age range for the body).
• He and his family were known to have been on deck right at the time of the sinking, rather than belowdecks in the steerage areas. His mother, Rhoda, was the only woman to be rescued alive from the water, and his older brother Rossmore’s body was found (#190).
• He may have had fair hair – his brother’s body is described as being “very fair,” though it’s unknown if this refers to skin or hair. An alleged* photo of him from the Pigeon Forge Titanic Museum shows a light-haired boy. However, both his mother and brother appear to have dark hair in photos taken of them.
• There is nothing to suggest he would have had Danish coins.

William Neal Thomas Ford:
Little is known about Ford, an English youth emigrating to the USA with his extended family and a family friend. None of their bodies are known to have been recovered (although they may be among the unidentified). He has no known connection to the letter A or to the nation of Denmark. Therefore, I see him as among the most unlikely of these boys to be Body #1.
William Andrew Johnston:
William Johnston, a cousin of William Ford, is a slightly more likely candidate for two reasons. Firstly, his father’s name (and his own middle name) was Andrew, providing a connection to the letter A. Secondly, in the one photo of him provided by the Titanic Museum in Pigeon Forge,* he appears to have had light hair.
Albert and George Rice:

• The Rice family is known to have been on either the boat deck or A-Deck on the night of the sinking (reported by family friend Bridget Mulvihill, who survived), and their mother Margaret’s body was recovered. In fact, her body was #12, meaning her body was presumably located far closer to #1 than Austin Van Billiard’s was. (Though this doesn’t necessarily mean much given how far apart the bodies might have drifted, how they might have been flung around by the ship’s foundering, etc.)
• They were originally from the U.S., having only lived in Ireland for about a year following the death of their father.
• Albert’s first name, of course, starts with “A.” One may imagine that, perhaps, Margaret Rice might have given handkerchiefs to all her sons with their own first initials embroidered on them.
• Their hair colour is difficult to determine from photographs – it looks on the darker side to me, but this may simply be due to poor lighting.

Filip and Clarence Asplund:
I believe the Asplund boys are the strongest possible candidates for body #1, due to the following evidence:

• They have, by far, the strongest association with Danish coins out of all the boys I have examined. The Asplund family was of Swedish descent; most of their 5 children had been born in the U.S., but they later returned to Sweden and had been living there about 4 years before deciding to return once again to America in 1912. Their home in Sweden was Alseda Village, Småland, located relatively far south in the country; they certainly lived closer to Denmark than anyone else on this list, and very likely passed through it on their way to England to board the Titanic. It is even possible that the coins were not Danish but Swedish – someone more knowledgeable about early 20^th-century Scandinavian currency would have to tell me how similar they looked.
• Furthermore, as they had once lived in the U.S. and were travelling back there, it makes sense for them to have been carrying American money as well.
• Obviously, the “A” on the handkerchief could be for Asplund.
• As Swedes, the boys could very well have had light hair. It’s hard to make out their hair colour in the only known photos of them (Filip, Clarence), but surviving siblings Lillian and Felix appear to have had light hair in some photos (1, 2)
• The entire family was known to have been on one of the upper decks (Boat or A) at the end. As third-class passengers, they arrived there quite late in the sinking. Mother Selma managed to board one of the later lifeboats (I have seen boats 10, 15, 4, and Collapsible C all suggested) along with children Felix (3) and Lillian (5), but somehow the three other children – Filip, Clarence, and Lillian’s twin Carl – were left on board with their father, also named Carl. Furthermore, Carl Sr.’s body was recovered (No. 142), further proving that the Asplunds were up on deck during the final plunge.

If I had to choose between the two Asplund boys for the true identity of body #1, I would suggest that it was 9½ year old Clarence, rather than 13-year-old Filip, due to the fact that those identifying the body clearly deemed it likely to belong to a 9-year-old. However, I think either boy is a likely option.

Part III: Conclusion

None of this is to say that I think the body couldn’t have been one of the Van Billiard boys. After all, there had to be *something* that caused Walter Van Billiard to be singled out amongst all the other possible candidates. Any of the clues I pointed out in this post may have been red herrings.
Maybe the “A” handkerchiefs were a parting gift from a friend whose first or last name started with that letter, or a souvenir of some city the boy had visited. Maybe the Danish coins were simply picked up off the deck, or given to this boy by a Danish passenger for whom he had done a favor. Maybe the age estimate was far off, and the boy was actually a tall 7-year-old or a very young-looking 15-year-old. Maybe Walter really is resting alongside his father in Union Cemetery, Flourtown, Pennsylvania. In the end, unless DNA analysis is ever done, we will never know the true identity of body #1.
My personal ranking of likelihood, out of all the boys examined, is:

1. Clarence or Filip Asplund (in that order), aged 9 and 13
2. Walter or James Van Billiard, aged 9 and 10
3. Eugene Abbott, aged 13
4. Albert or George Rice (in that order), aged 10 and 8
5. William Andrew Johnston, aged 8
6. William Neal Thomas Ford, aged 14
7. Harold, William, or Charles Goodwin (in that order), aged 10, 13, and 14 – I might even bump Harold (and possibly William) up higher than William Ford due to their younger age.
8. Frederick Hopkins or William Watson, aged 14
9. George Frederick Sweet, aged 14 (almost 15)
10. Husayn Ibrahim, aged 11, or Betros Seman, aged 10
11. Anthony William Sage, aged 12 – borderline impossible as Will Sage’s ticket was found on body #67, meaning that was almost certainly him. Perhaps an onboard friend of his had stolen his ticket as a prank, or they had switched tickets to keep as mementoes of each other, but I find this quite unlikely.
12. Karl Thorsten Skoog, aged 11 – impossible; his missing or prosthetic leg would certainly have been noted.

The true tragedy of Body #1 is the fact that there are so many possible candidates for its identification. In memory of all these boys and their families who were lost on the morning of April 15^th 1912.
^\I have some doubts about the veracity of some photographs from the Titanic Pigeon Forge Museum, but the vast majority of the photos I've seen from there are genuine. I can elaborate further in the comments if anyone is interested.)

I had a few weird segments of dreams today. In my first dream, I was in a room with people, a few classmates showed up before I left. A german guy took notice of me, enamored. I thought about how I must ethnically look to him, wondering why he found me attractive. He let me go, giving me permission to leave the building. I saw a spanish girl who was one of my old classmates, about to give her a makeover. She asked me to give her one. I was already eyeing the orchid lipstick next to her, wanting to try it. I wanted to use it on her, wondering about what color nail polish was here. After talking with the man, I gave him a embrace, feeling his bald head against my arm. He also had a black leather coat/jacket. I asked if he liked david cross, to which he responded eagerly, amused.
I then found myself in a room with pedophiles, with other young people there. I was unsure if I'd get to escape or not. I made friends with a blonde girl that was there. She didn't seem to like me that much. I was able to convince a fat guy who was one of the pedos, to leave. I grasped his attention, somehow being too attractive or not for him. I don't remember if he liked me or not. He let me go. I found out while talking to the girl that Ben Savage had raped her in the ass back in the '90s. He tweeted about it, owning up/admitting to it. It was surprising for an actor to do that. I took off, finding the corridor in the mall that I always see in my dreams. It leads to a hall that I take, where all the '90s stores are. In the lobby, I took my favorite hall, running through it. I tried to get as far away from the nightmarish environment I came from, yearning to be safe in this safe place. I've done this before in past dreams. The mall is usually where I go if I need somewhere safe to hide.
I couldn't believe that I was dreaming, it felt so real. I thought about how I spend too much time at the mall, like a millennial/xennial. How often I can go to the mall. I don't do this in real life, the mall is one of the only good things where I live. I ran some more, nearly lucid. I don't remember how I transitioned to the next segment.
Back home, I was leaning against the wall. There was a pipe at my side. I was probably pressed up against the metal armrest on my bed. I vaguely remember a bowl of water next to me in the dream, worried about my collection of food getting stolen. I had a couple boxes of little debbie cakes. The newest one was a vintage looking box of valentine cakes or cupcakes. I recognized it from online, seeing it on google before. Late '90s - y2k era. It had pink iced on the cakes. The sprinkles were red, white, and purple. Maybe pink too. My mom gave it to me. 'Those are rare. That's the one from the late '90s..' I told her. She nodded, agreeing with what I was saying. She knew that the boxes she saw and wanted to buy were harder to find, like the brownies and cordials. This has happened in real life, except the cakes weren't a vintage formula. My brother tried to take some, after I even covered the boxes with a sheet. The icing on some of the cakes were wrinkled imperfectly. Just then, a volleyball style net took over the room. I leaned against the piping, dodging what felt like a spider on my hand. Tarantula. The room was now just me and my brother. A group of guys included, that I did not know. I ended up killing it, smacking the spider to the ground. Before I even knew what creature it was. I felt it's thorax slightly, picturing it's bottom as white with red square specks on it. I aggressively beat it away like a volley ball, killing the spider. I was shamed for it. It turns out, it was an ancient spider. A young version of my man approached me, sympathetically. I wrapped my arms around him, gently. He mentioned a list of animes to me that he liked. I saw blue popup bubbles form in the air. I don't remember what all happened. We sat and talked, until he got up and ran back towards his friends. Almost immediately, a guy that looked like a fushion of my partner and ex/my abuser, came up to me. He had very light blonde hair and glasses, like a typical nerd in a '80s movie or sitcom. He was domineering, making this the most uncomfortable segment of the day. I saw one of my old classmates again that was in one of my last dreams, who loves michael jackson. '90s makeup was placed around, lipsticks. Vintage. I grabbed at one that was in a clear tube, reading the number on the bottom. It was probably silver. So a maybelline tube. Frosted and brown colored.
I looked into a vanity that was infront of me, a full and wooden one. I think it was wood. I was looking for some liquid lipstick, hearing the guy who seemed like my partner say the words 'liquid lipstick' to someone behind me. I picked up a green lipgloss, liquid and in a small thin tube. I already had a blue-green lip stain on, satin finish. I applied the green to my lips, ruining the lipstick that was on before. And it was barely covering my full lips. It was subtle. The green streaked over my natural lip line, looking liquidy. One of of the two pictures ontop of the wooden dresser, a few feet away, was a photo of madonna. It had the words, 'natural beauty' on it. Her red lipstick was also liquid and overdrawn, clownish. Both ads had women with the same forehead length. Martian looking. There was a miniature figurine on the floor, along with wrapping papers and plastic underneath it. I was wearing a futurism outfit, with footy boots. Barberella vibes, I was getting. I heard the guy explain that he was a feminist, trying to virtual signal to the other women in the room. He mentioned creating something to spread awareness on endometriosis. Which I actually have. I took notice of the tiny figurine, unaware that he was approaching me. I immediately flipped onto my back, seeing my boots change. From futuristic and footed, to clear and translucent boots. With laces on them. He tied my boots for me, which embarrassed me. We made eye contact as he tied my boots. I laid on my back, looking at the miniature figurine, unable to get any look at it at all because it got wrapped up. Right as I turned my head to look. Across from me was another girl. I was not able to react, placed in a plastic seal. I got zipped up inside it, looking at the girl in front of me. In her own plastic sealed case. A bed inside it. Brown and 1960s era. It was like we were dolls, ready to be shipped and packaged for the toy store. I woke up after this.

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VINYLS * Melanie Martinez - Crybaby’s Extra Clutter EP Vinyl = $650 AUD * The Great Gatsby Soundtrack (Urban Outfitters Exclusive) Blue Vinyl = $300 AUD * The Weeknd - Starboy (Urban Outfitters Exclusive) Yellow Vinyl = $550 AUD * Ariana Grande - Boyfriend Picture Disc Vinyl = $150 AUD * Beyonce - Homecoming 4LP Box = $85 AUD * Doja Cat - Hot Pink (Urban Outfitters Exclusive) White Vinyl = $100 AUD * Dua Lipa - Future Nostalgia Neon Pink Vinyl = $140AUD * Dua Lipa - Future Nostalgia (Argentina Exclusive) Blue Vinyl = $90 AUD * Dua Lipa - Radical Optimism (Blood Records Exclusive) Zoetrope #1 Vinyl = $100 AUD * Dua Lipa - Radical Optimism (Blood Records Exclusive) Zoetrope #2 Vinyl [Sound issues] = $55 AUD * Demi Lovato - Dancing With The Devil… The Art of Starting Over (Target Exclusive) [GATEFOLD HAS SOME DAMAGE DUE TO SHIPPING] = $50 AUD * Katy Perry - Prism Black Vinyl = $60 AUD * Little Mix - Glory Days Neon Pink Vinyl = $ 50 AUD * Olivia Rodrigo - Guts (Target Exclusive) Seafoam Vinyl with Signed Insert = $175 AUD

I'm a M23.
I think I might have developed a sex addiction. However, sex isn't the problem. The problem is I have become a master at seduction, and have become a chronic liar simultaneously. I have hurt so many women, I have lied so many times all in the pursuit of sex. I've slept with over 60 women. But maybe I'm too broken to do what my heart truly desires.
I want to settle down with someone and be a faithful man but everytime I think I can do it I just can't.
Simply because my ability to obtain more women who are extremely attractive is very strong. Even if in a relationship, I'll try to be loyal for about a month before I'm tempted to cold approach the 10 at the mall or the girl at the bar.
And again because of this... I've devastated women who were so deeply in love with me. Even ruined lives. I don't know how I live with myself everyday, I feel so much guilt in my heart and yet, I keep doing the same thing. My last conclusion is that this must be an addiction if not l'm just evil. And I don't know how to fix or come to terms with that.

I'm a M23.
I think I might have developed a sex addiction. However, sex isn't the problem. The problem is I have become a master at seduction, and have become a chronic liar simultaneously. I have hurt so many women, I have lied so many times all in the pursuit of sex. I've slept with over 60 women. But maybe I'm too broken to do what my heart truly desires.
I want to settle down with someone and be a faithful man but everytime I think I can do it I just can't.
Simply because my ability to obtain more women who are extremely attractive is very strong. Even if in a relationship, I'll try to be loyal for about a month before I'm tempted to cold approach the 10 at the mall or the girl at the bar.
And again because of this... I've devastated women who were so deeply in love with me. Even ruined lives. I don't know how I live with myself everyday, I feel so much guilt in my heart and yet, I keep doing the same thing. My last conclusion is that this must be an addiction if not l'm just evil. And I don't know how to fix or come to terms with that.

TLDR

About me - 29M - Initially awkward, introverted Hufflepuff. Anti-patriarchy, atheist, non-smoker, social drinker. Looking to slow-burn from friendship to relationship. Not in a rush to "settle down".
Looking for - Kind, empathetic person with a good sense of humour. Someone who doesn't believe in gender roles, is financially independent, and is working on her childhood traumas. [These are the only non-negotiables, although it would be great if you currently stay in Hyd, but any location is fine by me.]

IN DETAIL

Looking for Slow burn romance -

• Acquaintances > friends > great friends > relationship [in this order - Not looking for hookups/FWB/ situationship]
• I'll be honest, I can't just jump into dating or a relationship. I need the base of great friendship before I would be comfortable getting involved in a romantic relationship.
• I know that this might not sound ideal, or a potential "waste of time" in case nothing comes out of it - but I just can't do it, I wouldn’t feel emotionally safe to get intimate. I tried my best with Bumble but it just feels off to me.
• I would rather be single in my 70s & die alone than rush through a relationship where I am miserable.
• After the initial icebreaker, we don’t even have to text every day, we can exchange the memes and slowly open up to each other.
• I don’t have a defined timeline. We can take our own sweet time getting to know each other - maybe hours, days, months, or even years is fine by me.
• I can't [and don’t want to] be physically intimate if there is no emotional connection. I just feel that I would perform a lot better if we had a good bond & I felt emotionally safe around you.

About me -

• Appearance
  • 5'4
  • Overweight - Have been hitting the gym almost every day for the past 5 years [and love it], however, I binge-eat a lot, and my weight has stayed the same for the past 4 years.
• Non-s\xual turn-ons*
  • Well-formatted Excel sheets
  • Miniso, FabIndia aesthetics
  • Stationery [especially from Japan]
  • Good Typography
• Kind, empathetic
  • As a kid, I always thought being complimented on being "kind" was something people did if they had nothing else to say. That it was so basic, that it was a non-complement. Only in the past few years, I have come to realise how rare of a compliment it could be.
  • Growing up I always wanted to be in Slytherin, my friends thought Ravenclaw would be a better fit for me. But in the past couple of years I have realised I was always meant to be in Hufflepuff.
• Smart, but not that smart
  • Basically, on any given topic I might vaguely know about it, in broad strokes, but not in specifics. I get into a lot of Wikipedia rabbit holes.
• Anti-patriarchy, anti-gender-role
  • Grew up watching how much patriarchy shackled my mother [and women in general]. Hate it.
  • There is a lot of conditioning about what men/women are - "supposed" to do, what to wear, how to behave, what activities they are supposed to be interested in. I don’t want to conform to it.
  • I still do, have interests/hobbies, that can be perceived to be "guy's thing" - but I want to shed those layers. I might want to paint my nails or do any activity that might be perceived to be a "women-only" thing - I am not saying I will or that I am interested in, but I could. And if I wanted to, I hope you are encouraging and open-minded about it.
• Working on myself
  • Grew up as a people pleaser, and have major self-esteem issues. I know my flaws in greater detail than anyone else and I have spent the past decade slowly working on them. Always one step forward, two steps backwards.
  • I don’t need anyone to coddle me or do the work for me, I just need a partner who is empathetic and can hold the space so that I can do the work without being judged.
  • I want to spend the rest of my life, unlearning & re-building my life, one step at a time
• Hobbies/ Interest
  • I have a lot of interests but am not good at any of them. I guess I just love the idea of it - usual stuff like traveling, reading, dancing. Slowly trying to change from being a content consumer to creating/doing things.
  • I stopped understanding math when I was in 6th grade, and a couple of years ago I stumbled across 3B1B on YouTube whose videos are fascinating to watch even though I hardly understood them, so I am re-learning math.
• Political views
  • Oscillate between being up-to-date with events and not paying attention.
  • I pay attention till I get overwhelmed and hopeless about it.
  • I am extremely happy with the 2024 election results.
• Misc.
  • Non-smoker - Don't smoke, or intend to start. I don’t mind smoking up though
  • Social drinker - I love drinking cocktails.
  • I can't stand toxic positivity [& LinkedIn influencers]
  • I really hope to FIRE and live in the mountains during summers, and beach for the rest of the year. For now its just a dream.

My green flags

• Financially independent
• Good listener
• 50-50 on everything especially house chores.

My beige flags

• I know a lot of things but vaguely & at surface level [spend a lot of time on Wikipedia]
• It takes time for me to open up and initial conversation might seem a bit bland.
• I can't dance or sing [am learning to dance though]
• I am still a v*rgin - My college ex wasn't ready and haven't felt such a connection with anyone else since then. However am an eager learner and open to experimentation. [Not looking for hookups/FWB/ situationship]
• Have a few friends - all of them scattered around. But I do have a great connection with them.
• Homebody - it's not that I don’t like going out, but that I feel must more comfortable at home, chilling.
• No posts on my Instagram - I just can't think of a perfect first post. I have another account which I use as my photo journal & I can add you to it. But it's personal, so I would remove you once you go through it.

My red flags

• Disorganised attachment style
• People pleasing
• Self-isolate myself to feel safe
• Hyper-vigilant & hyper-independence

FAQs

1. Why Childfree?
   • Childhood trauma, raising a child is too expensive, don’t want to get shackled for the next 20+ years. I have written a detailed post here - LINK
2. Why slow-burning romance?
   • I hate dating app culture - I hate it, always hated it - I find them soul-sucking. I hate being ghosted. I hate the bland conversation. I hate the stress of coming up with something witty to say without sounding like a broken machine. I hate being rejected by indifference. I hate it. But the only reason I signed up was because I am a homebody. I hardly venture out. But those apps have sucked on my soul enough and I have deleted my account everywhere and don’t intend to go back.
3. When was my last serious relationship?
   • College, almost a decade ago.
4. Why such a long gap?
   • I never had the same connection with anyone else the way I did with my college ex. We were best friends before we started dating - but as soon as we started dating it brought up all my repressed childhood traumas and relationship anxiety. I was afraid I would eventually turn into my father, so I cut it off. Although we were on & off over the years till COVID-19, we couldn’t revive our relationship. And I never felt the same way about anyone else since then so I never got in another relationship.
5. How many casual relationships since then?
   • Maybe 2? It hardly went on for more than a week. It was just off. I really can't get it on without an emotional connection.

Sorry for the wall of text - I just thought it would be easier to put everything on the table. Feel free to DM me if you feel more comfortable than commenting on this post.

I (82m) started dating my girlfriend (97f) 60 years ago. It's more like a fwb kinda thing than a committed relationship which I was very clear with her about when we started dating. It's just easier to call her my girlfriend because my parents (129f) and (100m) are very old fashioned and don't understand the hip ways of today's youth.
Anyway, about a year ago, I was away on a work trip to a far off country for many many months and it made me a very wealthy man. I don't wanna get too deep into the details, but suffice to say I develop breakfast cereals that suppress sexual urges in men. So my girlfriend and I are very comfortable, and she can stay at home and shop and do her nails or play with her coloring books or whatever it is women do when there isn't a man around. When I returned to our lavish mansion in our country, I was shocked to discover that my wife had given birth to our son. I was only gone for 8 months, so it's very plausible this was my son. The thought did not cross my mind at all that she was definitely a cheating, money-grubbing whore, not even a little bit. I just got right away to raising my son.
Now some of my family members have commented on how strange this situation is and how he looks nothing like me. They say things like, "his eye color is totally different!" or "he has whiskers and fur!" and "oh my god Davidiel, this is a fucking hamster!"
After a while these comments made me slightly suspicious he may not be my biological son. So while my girlfriend was off screeching and clucking with her gaggle of female friends (like women do) I had a paternity test done. The results came back within seconds. I am not the father.
I was stunned. How could my girlfriend, who I have no emotional attachment to, do this to me? How could she shatter the sanctity of our no-strings-attached, live-together, hanky-panky fun party?
So I confronted her about this. At first, her sniveling, scheming womanly instincts caused her to deny it. But when I showed her the paternity test, she broke down in tears. Through her sobs, she explained how lonely she had been while I took my work trip. How she sought refuge in the arms of our local Petco salesman. And that was how our son was brought home. She begged me not to abandon them, as it was a stupid mistake that she regrets, and she can barely afford the wood shavings and exercise wheels on her own.
Now I know she wronged me. But I am a fair man. So while she wept, I very calmly lifted her body over my head and cast her off the 8th story balcony of my mansion, along with her son. As he is not mine, all attachment and concern for his well-being immediately dissolved.
Now my phone is blowing up with everyone, including the CEO of Petco, calling me TA. I don't think I should have to raise a child that isn't mine. I'm just an innocent young man, seduced by the forked-tongue succubus that is today's thot until my wallet is drained. But I figured I had to ask. So...reddit...could I possibly be TA?
https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/comments/1db789l/aita_for_wanting_to_cancel_my_parental_rights/

I (27F) have been with my partner (31M) for about 3 years. We moved in together after about 6 months, and now have 2 children under 2. At the beginning of our relationship, we explicitly made it clear that pornographic content of any kind is prohibited and we established an open phone policy if we were to be in a committed relationship, otherwise we could just continue to be a tinder hookup if we want to entertain ourselves with that. (No judgement towards others who permit that in their relationship - this is simply a condition of ours.) I’ll skip unnecessary details, but to sum things up, there were occasional flairs of issues between him and a previous girlfriend that he was possessive and obsessive of, however that died down after I encouraged him to make the decision of pursuing life with that ex or continuing with me, and he begged to stay. Fast forward, we fall pregnant with our first child and all is good, we’re both working full time, 50/50 on bills and I did 90% of the housework and shopping/errands. Bare in mind I had a high risk pregnancy, along with sciatica and was in a lot of pain, and we still had sex nearly every day because he basically claims that he needs it. When I was 8 months pregnant, I was using his phone to search reference photos for a painting I was working on. While opening his google, I found several pages of his opened search pages - of course being porn sites and links to inappropriate photos. After putting 2 and 2 together, I realized that day he specifically begged me to leave the house for a bit to get him Mexican food and when I had to call him from the taqueria to relay a text from his mom, he suddenly didn’t answer for once. Things as far as pathetic searches for “woman in tiny bikini that barely covers breasts” , and that’s when I found myself disgusted that I settled for a man that is so lowly desperate enough to make searches that equivalent to that of a 16 year old boy. After confronting him, he denied everything for nearly 20 minutes, even with the evidence right out in his face and his search history showing months of this behavior. After gaslighting me and trying to manipulate the situation and trying to turn it around on me saying he doesn’t know how those got there and he never searched those, he finally reluctantly admitted he was guilty. So he intentionally sent me out of the house so he could watch porn, and to make matters worse, he did it with our newborn in his baby chair right in front of him, apparently while he was sleeping. I was beyond disgusted with him and ready to kick him out of my apartment and deliver and raise this baby on my own even though I didn’t have any family or friends to help. After hours of him crying and begging for another chance, he specifically promised he would not be entertaining himself with pornographic content again nor do anything to risk losing his family. So with that, I stayed, we had the baby, we got engaged, things seemed fine. After a few months, we decided to deliberately try for a second baby and we moved a couple hours away into our first home and I agreed to be a SAHM and raise our baby. The day we moved, I had to use his phone for an internet search and AGAIN found porn all over his open pages. I immediately took my son and left for a week before having to come home due to limited resources. We sat and talked for nearly 6 hours, he cried to be and profusely apologized and again begged me to stay with him for our family and that he would never do anything to risk losing our family. I stayed, and we found out suddenly we were pregnant again. Surprise, timing. Time moves along, things seem fine, I have another high risk pregnancy but baby is born fine. The first few months with both kids were a struggle but we make it through. Second baby is about 4 months old when my phone broke so I needed to use my laptop for communication. I logged in to YouTube on there and was going through history to find the song my son wanted to listen to - and that’s when all the history of inappropriate dancing videos of women came up from YouTube videos to YouTube shorts. I was in complete shock. Per the history, he even had the audacity to watch a first video that explains how women partners sacrifice everything for their male partners, just for men to disregard them. Then following were practically naked women or sexualized women performing in appropriate acts or dances. Now these are the kind of videos people normally make fun of their friends about for watching because they are desperate thirst traps, and I’m just amazed that my partner is not the person I thought he was all along. It genuinely disgusts me that my main focus is my partner and children and his focus is on anything that has any sexual appeal. I find myself lost and confused on how someone can be so immature that they cannot separate the boundary of entertainment and obsession, and that the family they have created will never be enough to fill what they want or need. I asked him about the history and he denied it for 10 minutes before I showed him the evidence. He continued to deny it for almost an hour. After several hours of back and forth arguing and him lying to my face, he was provided the evidence and came clean - admitted he intentionally leaves me with both crying kids when they’re being difficult and he pretends to poop or takes extra long bathroom trips so he can watch videos of provocative women on YouTube and watch porn because he is anxious and needs relief, and that he intentionally sends me out to the store or on errand trips so he can watch porn at home. He allows me to go through the rest of his phone, and of course I find things everywhere from google to Temu - and again I’m shocked that my partner is so desperate and unhinged that he has to look at women in crotchless tights on Temu. We argue back and forth about honesty and transparency and intentions and he has the nerve to keep arguing that it’s to relieve anxiety and stress and asks me what he should do and asked what I do… I said “what other people do for anxiety - see a therapist and take anti-anxiety meds or just deal with it.” He was too stunned to speak. At this point I advocate for myself and the children and explain that I cannot subject myself to a partner like this and do not believe the children need a role model like this. He even agreed to sign over custody of both kids to me just to settle it, which now I’m seeing through his actions prove he doesn’t want to be a father or a partner despite saying he does. Since then, I’ve agreed to co-parent and continue living together for the children since we cannot afford child care, he is not working and we are living off the last of my savings and I cannot trust him to stay alone with the children. We share the same bed, although I sleep in the opposite direction due to wanting my own space. We still hook up occasionally since I have the IUD and it’s convenient, however we do not have any other intimacy such as hand holding or kissing. I cut that off early/mid April, both took off rings during the last fight about porn and have just been raising the kids as is. He supposedly has not watching any pornographic content since, but at this point it’s like I’m waiting around for the relapse in behavior. I don’t enjoy feeling like I put my full commitment into someone, for them to give me a partial percentage and lie in my face and continuously risk losing their children. If I can stop vaping because I was pregnant, a man should be able to stop watching inappropriate content if he wants to stay with his partner and children. I’m at the point where I don’t want us to be with anyone else because I love him and wanted us to live our lives out together, but respectfully without being a “Debby downer” it feels like life this way will continue this nasty cycle and I’ll keep disappointing myself with putting trust in him over and over. He swears up and down he wants to be with me and it just doesn’t feel his actions add up to that.
Please tell me anything - your advice, your feelings and thoughts, your recommendations, anything you have to say. Trolls, haters and negative comments - bring it on, I have a hateful heart too and would love your difference of opinion without needing to argue 🖤 Thank you!

D Tier - THE HORRIBLE KINGS

17. Aegon IV the Unworthy:
Pros: N/A
Cons:

• Legitimized bastards, causing 5 different rebellions over the course of 120 years, indirectly killing 10s of thousands.
• Gave away dragon eggs
• Filled his small council, court, and the city watch with incompetent, corrupt opportunists
• Entire fleet was destroyed by storms whilst trying to invade Dorne
• Accidently burned down 1/4 of the King's wood and killed hundreds in a horrible plan to invade Dorne with fake dragons
• Attempted to accuse his wife and brother of adultery and spread rumors about his son being bastard of them, weakening his son's legitimacy and claim to the throne.

1. Aerys II the Mad King

Pros: N/A
Cons:

• Killing Brandon and Rickon Stark
• Demanding the lives of Ned and Robert
• Pissing/offending the Dornish
• Filled his small council and court with incompetent, corrupt opportunists
• His handling of Robert's Rebellion
• Pissing off Tywin Lannister with his remarks about Joanna and naming Jamie to the kingsguard.
• Deciding to meet in person with the Lord of Duskendale, causing his kidnapping and "The Defiance of Duskendale", which plunged him further into insanity
• Threatening/making an enemy of Rhaegar
• Abusing Rhaella
• Refusing betrothal of Rhaegar to Cersei
• Bringing Varys to court
• Plot to burn King's Landing with wildfire
• Opening his gates to Tywin during "The Sack of King's Landing"

1. Aenys I the Abomination

Pros: N/A
Cons:

• His indecision and weakness led to rebellions, refused/was unable to deal with these rebellions, forcing his bannerman to stop these rebellions, causing a loss of authority, respect, and power for Aenys.
• Expelled the Faith of the Seven from the Iron Islands, angering the High Septon
• Wed his children together, offending the Faith, causing the Faith Uprising
• Gifting Blackfyre to Maegor

1. Aerys I

Pros:

• Handled 2nd and 3rd Blackfyre Rebellions very well thanks to Bloodraven

Cons:

• Bandits and outlaws roamed the roads, i.e. less safe travel
• Named Bloodraven as hand, who was too focused on the Blackfyre threat to actually rule
• Let Bittersteel take the black, which led to his escape, which led to two more Blackfyre rebellions
• Did nothing to stop the Ironborn from raiding the Westerlands and North, causing the lords of these respective regions to take matters into their own hands
• Didn't care fodidn't rule
• Allowed Bloodraven to run a brutal surveillance-state of Westeros, where anyone remotely criticizing the government was brutally executed, causing mass unrest and dissatisfaction
• Poor handling of a year-long drought
• Burned down 1/4 of King's Landing with wildfire whilst attempting to burn bodies to stop the spread of a plague

1. Aegon II the Elder

Pros: N/A
Cons:

• Refused to issue pardons to rebel lords
• Lost the Dance of the Dragons

C Tier - THE BAD KINGS

12. Daeron I the Young Dragon
Pros:

• Good commandewarrior
• Named Viserys as his hand

Cons:

• Got 60,000 killed in a war that didn't accomplish anything

1. Maegor I the Cruel

Pros:

• Good commandewarrior
• Paved the way (with blood) for a peaceful Jaeherys reign

Cons:

• Too brutal in handling rebellions
• Alienated nobility
• Offended the Faith
• Committed horrible acts of tyranny that angered the nobility
• Killing Viserys
• Raising taxes and demanding gold tributes, angering the nobility

1. Viserys I the Peaceful (show version)

Pros:

• Reigned over 26 years of (relative) peace
• Loved by smallfolk and lords alike

Cons:

• Not securing Rhaenyra's succession by not wedding her to Aegon, not naming her regent/hand, not making her go on tours of Westeros (securing love of the nobility), etc.
• Blindness to people's faults/true nature (Otto Hightower, Daemon, Alicent Hightower, Rhaenyra's bastards, etc.)
• His failure to stop the Dance of the Dragons because of his need to be loved by all (he could've stopped the green and black factions from forming with some strong action)

1. Baelor I the Blessed

Pros:

• Died before he could invade the North or Iron Islands to spread his faith
• Peace with Dorne
• Love of the smallfolk
• Created the Great Sept, bringing the Faith to King's Landing
• 10 years of peace

Cons:

• Nobility despised him
• Outlawed prostitution, hurting the economy
• Maiden vault/treatment of sisters/women in general
• Fast to the point of fainting
• Chose a child and stonemason as High Septons
• Plagued with "visions from gods", causing him to do crazy stuff.
• Granted tax exemptions to lords who put chastity belts on their daughters and sisters
• Didn't wed/have children
• Constantly emptied the treasury to help the smallfolk, resulting in a poor economic situation for the crown.
• Burned books, resulting in lost history

B Tier - THE AVERAGE KINGS

8. Aegon V the Unlikely
Pros:

• Provided rights and privileges to the smallfolk
• Arrest of Bloodraven (causing people to trust the crown again)
• Aided the North during a harsh winter
• Ended the 4th Blackfyre Rebellion very quickly and efficiently
• Restored order to the Westerlands 3 times due to the inept leadership of Tytos Lannister
• Crushing the Rat, Hawk, and Pig Rebellion
• Ended the Baratheon Rebellion whilst repairing his friendship with Lyonel Baratheon and providing a betrothal
• Drew up plans to stop the 5th Blackfyre Rebellion (which Jaeherys II used)

Cons:

• Summerhall
• Alienation and caused hatred from the nobility through the rights given to the smallfolk
• Failure to control his kids, causing more hatred from the nobility and broken marriage alliances

1. Jaeherys II

Pros:

• Dealt with the 5th Blackfyre Rebellion well
• Reconciled with the nobility that his father, Aegon V alienated, whilst keeping all of the policies/rights that Aegon gave the smallfolk.

Cons:

• Forced Rhaella and Aerys to wed
• Broke his betrothal with House Tully for love

1. Aegon III the Dragonbane

Pros:

• Named Viserys as his hand
• Reigned over 26 years of peace
• Good to the smallfolk

Cons:

• Callous and gloomy nature caused him to shun and offend his lords

1. Maekar I the Anvil

Pros:

• Good commandewarrior
• 12 years of peace until the Peake Uprising
• Ended the Peake Uprising
• Important general in 1st and 3rd Blackfyre Rebellions

Cons:

• Callous nature caused him to shun and offend his lords

A Tier - The Good Kings

4. Viserys II
Pros:

• Issued reforms of the royal household and its functions
• Established a new royal mint, saving the Crown gold
• Made efforts to increase trade across the narrow sea
• Made positive revisions to the already progressive code of laws established by the Old King, Jaehaerys I

Cons:

• Forced Aegon IV and Naerys to wed
• Only ruled for a year

1. Daeron II the Good

Pros:

• Crowned himself with his father's crown to quell rumors
• Replaced small council with wise, capable men instead of the incompetent lickspittles his father had
• Replaced the corrupt city watch with capable men
• United Westeros by vassalizing Dorne
• Safe roads; rid the realm of bandits and outlaws
• Ended the First Blackfyre Rebellion
• Beloved by the smallfolk

Cons:

• Disputed heritage
• Alienated nobles by giving the Dornish too many rights, filling councils and court positions with Dornish people, angering those who had spent years attacking and defending from Dornish raids and wars
• Failed to capture Daemon Blackfyre when he learnt of his plans to declare himself king

S Tier - The Great Kings

2. Aegon I the Conqueror
Pros:

• Conquered the Seven Kingdoms
• Built King's Landing
• Ended the Sistermen Rebellion
• Established order to the Iron Islands during a 2-year civil war
• Dragon's Peace (Aegon's 24 years of peace after the end of the First Dornish War)
• Made royal progresses every year to establish love and respect from his nobles, as well as hear out any concerns or disputes
• Established a good relationship with the Faith by building a grand sept, being anointed by the High Septon, and refusing to make any traditional incestuous marriages
• Good commandewarrior
• Began construction on the Red Keep
• Encouraged marriage alliances between lords in his realm to keep the peace
• Took in wards from various lords to establish relations between different houses
• Established, "The King's Peace", a law which forbade conflict in the realm without the leave of the Iron Throne
• Sponsored singers and musicians that spread tales of the Targaryen's generosity

Cons:

• Failed to conquer Dorne

1. Jaeherys I the Conciliator

Pros:

• A lot.

Cons:

• Not a lot.

I expected to have this posted very soon after my trip, but time got away from me! Even the prospect of writing this out is kind of daunting lol so props to all of you who post your trip reports (and I greedily read every word!). Whenever people say stuff like “this is so long, I don’t expect anyone to read this!” I’m always like “of course I’m going to read every word and love it!” But now I am the one telling you guys, this is very long and I can’t imagine who out there is going to read this lol
Thursday 5/16 - Travel Day
Flew to Naples where my friend lives. Plan was to stay two nights with her before we headed to Orlando for one “girls night” before my solo trip began.
Saturday 5/18 - Travel to Disney!
Left at 6:30am to drive to Orlando. It was her and her two girls (age 11 and 5). We had reservations for one night at Beach Club. We bounded as princesses (Tiana, Ariel, Aurora, Jasmine). We walked to Epcot at 11:30am and that short walk was INCREDIBLE. I can’t believe how close the park is!!! Beach Club is amazing for location alone! Here are the things we ate and experienced:
~~Toasted Pretzel Bread (Germany): 20/10 This was absolutely delicious and over the course of the week I think I ate it like 5-6 times lol
~~Raspberry Radler (Germany): same as above, LOVED
~~Harvested a Pearl (Japan): This was seriously THE BEST experience! We all got them put in necklaces. One of her daughters got a gray/blue pearl and it was gorgeous. Lots of attention when she showed mine bc it looked big and she kept moving it up the sizing plate. I ended up with an 8.5mm pearl! It was very exciting and lots of celebration by the workers and crowd. They said it was the largest of the day. Honestly, I recommend this to ANYONE. It was less expensive than I expected, $29 to harvest the pearl, then I think I spent $23 on a cage for it, and I chose to buy a necklace for it to wear right away and that was $26. I am 100% doing it again in September when I go back for my 40th birthday (and I told my hubby he is doing it too and will love it!)
~~Lemon Drop Shandy (The Citrus Blossom): 7/10 good! nothing exceptional, I liked the radler better
~~Cinnamon Roll Bites (Brunchcot): 6/10, I was so excited for these but they were just average. I think maybe if we had a batch that had more frosting it might have been better. They weren’t bad, just not outstanding. Loved the bacon crumbles though!
~~Guardians of the Galaxy: the only reason this is making it into the notes is bc of my Reliefband. I get motion sickness. I tried Guardians last fall (after 2 dramamine) and still had to sit for about an hour afterward to chill and not be sick. I decided to purchase a Reliefband (classic version, Amazon, $129) to try out this trip and see if it would work. I was very skeptical. But I am here to say it worked 1000000000%. I was so blown away. Absolutely ZERO feelings of motion sickness during or after the ride. Kept my eyes open the whole time (it’s the visual speed that usually gets me, screen rides get me too). I am not a big thrill ride person, so incidentally this time around I realized this isn’t the ride for me. I just don’t enjoy it that much, BUT the big deal is to find out that is my ride preference and has nothing to do with motion sickness. It was so liberating not having my motion sickness control me! Ooooo, also, I was absolutely ecstatic that I got the song I’ve always wanted!! Everybody Wants to Rule the World!
We left Epcot at 4pm and went back to the resort to check in. First of all, it’s so gorgeous there. The room was wonderful, the lobby is beautiful and smells amazing. I wish we had the money to always stay deluxe bc I get why people love deluxe resorts so much!
Dinner at Ale & Compass (Yacht Club): 7/10, again, food was decent but nothing exceptional. Actually the Parker House Rolls were 1000% worth the hype, I got the NY Strip Steak though, asked for medium rare and I think it was more medium and that ruined it a bit for me (also taste was just meh)
We spent about an hour and half swimming at Stormalong Bay after dinner. That pool is seriously incredible. I never want to experience anything but a sand bottom pool again. The. Absolute. Best.
18,525 steps
Sunday 5/19 - Girls Leave and Solo Begins
We checked out and then had a Beaches and Cream reservation at 11:30am. We shared the Bacon Ranch Totchos (7/10 tasty but too much topping for me), Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup (grilled cheese 9/10, tomato soup 6/10), aaaaand the Kitchen Sink Sundae (9/10)! Was it smart for us to get this with only two adult women and two children? Probably not. But boy was it fun and delicious and we put way more of a dent in it than I thought we would lol. A little siren goes off in the restaurant when one is brought to a table and there is a back and forth with kitchen staff and customers (they say something about a “whole can of whipped cream” and customers answer back as a group) and it was a very fun vibe! In fact that is one of the reasons I rate it a 9/10 haha, bc I think there is just too much whipped cream and a lot of the ice cream is just buried.
We swam at Stormalong bay for 2 more hours before they dropped me off at All-Star Movies and they headed home to Naples.
Magic Kingdom (solo)
I got into my room at All-Star Movies (Love Bug building 6) and tbh I didn’t mind its distance to the bus stop, maybe bc it was just me, but I didn’t have a problem with it, I thought the walk was quick enough. I was in Magic Kingdom by 5:30pm.
6pm PeopleMover (walk on) 5 min posted
6:30pm Pirates of the Caribbean (walk on) 10 min posted
6:45pm Thunder Mountain (10 min) 15 min posted
7:10pm Enchanted Tiki Room (10 min) 15 min posted
7:40pm Haunted Mansion (20 min) 20 min posted
8:25pm Got the Sweet and Spicy Chicken Waffle sandwich at Sleepy Hollow: 7/10, the taste was great, I don’t like spicy stuff but this wasn’t too spicy. The only con is that the bottom of the waffle was kind of soggy and I didn’t really eat that part.
8:55pm in spot for HEA
9:40pm Peter Pan’s Flight (25 min) 10 min posted
Spent a lot of time in gift shops and doing photopass on my way out of park
11:10pm On bus back to resort
19,626 steps
Monday 5/20 - Animal Kingdom
6:45am On the bus to AK
7:22am Scanned into the park
7:32am Nav’i River Journey (6 min) 10 min posted
8:05am Kilimanjaro Safari (18 min) 25 min posted, was off the safari at 8:45am
9:05am Pongu Pongu - tried the Pongu Lumpia! I know this snack is controversial, it seemed like it was up my alley, but others have said the same and didn’t end up liking it so I was expecting to ultimately dislike it. I enjoyed it! 8/10 would eat again!
9:15am Gorilla Falls Trek, walked for 20 mins
9:45am It’s Tough to be a Bug - this was my first time, honestly, I think I have read articles and seen so many vlogs calling it startling and scary that I think I was expecting the worst so much that it wasn't….that….bad? I didn’t mind it? (side note: the ONLY time this entire trip that I wore tennis shoes was the morning of Animal Kingdom. My feet were hurting by the time I went into this show, so while it was going on I switched to my flip flops and my feet took a complete 180 degrees. I wore flip flops the rest of the trip and had zero issues with sore feet. I guess I’m just a flip flop girly???)
10:15am Feathered Friends in Flight - was actually heading to 11am Lion King but a CM I passed was announcing to people that the bird show was starting at 10:30 so I decided to detour there. It was great!
11:00am Maharajah Jungle Trek, walked for 20 mins, this was the most beautiful trail for me, absolutely lovely!
11:30am Eight Spoon Cafe - got the BBQ pork MacnCheese, found a spot to sit down by Drinkwallah and that is my go-to spot now. It is shaded and the carved tables and chairs are so pretty. I really like that little (hidden?) sit-down area!
12:00pm Discovery Trails, walked for 10 mins, then looked around shops in Discovery Island and Asia
12:50pm Rafiki’s Planet Watch (5 min) I did not get off the train, at this point I needed a break but I did not want to go back to resort, so I sat on the Wildlife Train and drank lots of water, I went around the circuit twice, got off at 1:30pm
1:45pm Festival of the Lion King, got in line for 2pm show, this was my first time…it BLEW MY MIND, absolutely loooooooved this. So so much. It was wonderful!
3:00pm Dinosaur (5 min) 15 min posted - first time! Honestly, I have heard so many disparaging comments about this ride I expected it to be terrifying, painful and just not fun. Again, I had an opposite experience! I love dinosaur movies (like Jurassic park) so I really enjoyed this one. I hope it is still there to ride when I am back in the fall!
3:30pm Nomad Lounge (added myself to waitlist on app, there was no “wait” got the text pretty much immediately) This was such an important break out of the heat. I spent an hour here to recharge. I drank a lot of water, had a delicious cocktail Lamu Libation 10/10, Ahi Tuna Poke Bowl 8/10, and Churros 10/10. I was able to charge my phone in an outlet at the bar. It was the perfect break!
5:00pm Left AK and headed back to resort
7:20pm Scanned into Hollywood Studios, walked around, looked through gift shops
8:20pm Catalina Eddie’s: got the Toffee and Coconut Blondie to take with me into Fantasmic! You guys…this is an absolute favorite of mine! My friend got it at NYE and forced me to try it (I didn’t want to bc I am not a coconut fan) but I fell in LOVE. Definitely a 20/10. I was so excited to get it again this trip. If you don’t love coconut, I find it very mild, you should definitely give it a shot.
9:00pm Fantasmic!
10:00pm Got on the bus to All-Star Sports instead of Movies bc in the gift shop at my resort the worker had told me I could find the pin I was looking for at the Sports gift shop. It was the 30 yr Anniversary pin of All-Star Resorts. I bought that and walked all the way back to my building, was back by 10:30pm
31,437 steps
Tuesday 5/21 - EPCOT
10:00am Scanned in at Epcot - kind of embarrassing…I was “that person” to hold everyone up. The past two days I did not need a park reservation, so I didn’t even think anything of it, but they told me one was required this day and he was setting one up for me on his ipad but then it kept erroring out, I felt TERRIBLE.
10:25am - Living with the Land (5 min) 5 min posted
10:50am - Nemo and Friends (15 min) 15 min posted
11:15am - Journey of Water walkthrough
11:40am - bought the Spike’s Pollination Exploration Scavenger hunt, it was nice bc it was 30% off with the rest of the F&G merch and I got my 20% discount on it. I mean it was only $10 regular price but I was still pretty happy lol
11:50am - got food!!! Toasted Pretzel Bread and Raspberry Radler (Germany) still 20/10, Frushi (Japan) 8/10, Fruit Punch Ale (America) 8/10 good but I would get the radler over this every time
1:00pm Frozen (40 min) 60 min posted, I got splashed a lot more than normal this time for some reason! Sat next to a girl who was videoing on a go-pro, asked if she was a vlogger but she said no and then we chatted for a min about our love of Disney vlogs, it was nice!
2:10pm Kringla Bakeri - Viking Coffee, 9/10 excellent!
2:30pm The Honey Bee-stro - Liquid Nitro Honey-Mascarpone Cheesecake, 10/10 LOVED, the cheesecake was smooth and creamy (even while “frozen”) and the tart blueberry compote that comes with it is a perfect pairing. Plus I was able to Pixie Dust someone here! There was a young girl in line in front of me by herself, she was maybe 13? Anyway she was trying to scan her magic band for payment and the CM told her the band was not authorized to be used for payment, she seemed a bit surprised and embarrassed and I stepped in and started scanning my magic band. It was honestly only $6.50. She tried to tell me no and that she would go get her mom, but I just overrode her and said “It’s Disney! Let me!” with a smile. We were both at the window to pick up our items together and when she got hers she unexpectedly leaned in and gave me a hug and thanked me again. I was so surprised and heartwarmed (and also felt bad that I was kinda sweaty lol). But anyway it was a wonderful moment!
2:45pm Bought the Spaceship Earth cookie jar that I have been wanting so badly! I got it with my gift card I got for “mothers day” from our pets :D
2:55pm Spaceship Earth (walk on) 5 min posted
4:00pm Bus back to resort for a break and shower bc it was a very hot day!
6:40pm Scanned back into EPCOT
6:45pm Spaceship Earth (walk on) 5 min posted
Walked around to find Spike for scavenger hunt
7:35pm Toasted Pretzel Bread and Raspberry Radler (again! lol)
8:00pm watched Garden Rocks concert
More Spike hunting!
9:00pm Luminous
9:10pm Started heading out of park
This was my toughest day of my whole solo trip for several reasons. 1) I don’t think I did enough sit down things, I was on my feet a ton 2) I was not being “park smart”. Epcot is huge enough in the first place but I was not navigating the park in an efficient way and ended up walking WAY more than I should have. Around 7:30-8pm I started to feel something pulled in my leg (after googling later maybe a mild issue with adductor tendon?) it was high up in my inner thigh, I decided to leave the park only 10 mins after Luminous started bc I really wanted to not push myself, the next day was going to be my Magic Kingdom day and that is my favorite park and would likely be a long day and I just didn’t want to ruin it.
29,183 steps
Wednesday 5/22 - Hollywood Studios (not Magic Kingdom!)
Woke up before 7am and decided to pivot on my plans bc of my leg. I decided to stay in the resort room until midday to rest my leg, and due to that decision I switched my park day from MK to HS. I figured if I was going to be in a park for less hours of the day I would rather sacrifice time in Hollywood Studios than Magic Kingdom. I bought Genie+ and bought an ILL for Rise of the Resistance for 1:40pm. This ended up being THE BEST decision I could have made. By the time I left my room, my leg was feeling 100% better and I did not have any issues with it for the rest of the trip!
1:15pm Scanned into Hollywood Studios
1:30pm Frozen Sing Along - I love this fricken show, I always want to see it every time I go to HS, I could watch it a million times, I am always impressed by the Arendelle Historians bc they are so funny, and while they will make jokes in a similar vein, they still have so much variety that you don’t see the same jokes when you watch shows with different historians. A++, this will always be one of my faves.
2:15pm Rise of the Resistance ILL - full A mode, also…bc I was wearing my Reliefband I was able to keep my eyes open during the drop with the simulation of flying through space. It was great!!!
3:00pm Smuggler's Run (G+) - okaayyyyyy, I have never been on this (due to motion sickness fears) but I decided to take the plunge. I got all the way to sitting in the seat and tbh I was terrified. I was by myself, I didn’t know exactly what to expect and I was not so much scared that I would be sick, I was confident in the Reliefband, but I was worried I would hate the simulated feeling of flying. That kinda freaks me out. So then, the ride doesn’t actually start and they tell us that a CM will be in to let us out bc it has malfunctioned and we will be given a LL back. I was quite literally SO RELIEVED. I will try that ride, but in September when I am with my husband!
3:30pm Woody’s Lunchbox - Adult Lemonade 10/10 and Raspberry Lunchbox Tart 7/10. I ended up getting two more Adult Lemonades throughout the night bc I thought they were delicious!! The tart was fine, it tasted “good” but nothing unique or outstanding.
4:00pm Beauty and the Beast Live
4:35pm Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway (G+)
5:15pm Toy Story Mania (G+)
6:00pm Baseline Taphouse - Charcuterie Board 9/10 and Blood Orange Hard Cider 7/10
6:30pm Frozen Sing Along - I am not kidding about how much I like this show lol
7:10pm Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway (40 mins) 45 min posted
8:20pm Rise of the Resistance (used the anytime pass I got for Smuggler Run going down) this time around we ended up having to walk down a hallway bc there was a technical difficulty with the 2nd pre show (where you enter the craft and get pulled in by the first order) we skipped that part and walked down a hallway straight into the storm trooper room. Everything else worked except for Finn.
8:45pm Ran my ass through Toy Story land (picked up an Adult Lemonade!) and hightailed it to Fantasmic! This ended up being a very good lesson for me. Getting to Fantasmic! just as it was starting was NOT a good idea. I was in the bleachers in the last section at the top, like with the walkway in front of you. You can hardly see anything back there. I will not make this mistake again. I left just as the floats started bc I could not even see them at all.
Browsed a lot of gift shops!
10:20pm Got on bus back to resort
I go back and forth on whether G+ was worth it today. Ultimately, I side on yes bc I didn’t even get to the park until 1pm, got to walk the park a ton, I did the most photopass spots here than I did on any other day, so Genie+ allowing me to just hop on 3 rides with no wait gave me the time to do all of that (and watch Frozen twice and B&B show), and I had the time to wait for Runaway Railway standby again. Also, bc the Smugglers Run malfunction allowed me to use a “LL” on Rise again, that alone made it worth it!
20,264 steps
Thursday 5/23 - Magic Kingdom
Wooooohoooo! My favorite park! I decided to get G+ today and get an ILL for Seven Dwarfs Mine Train for 7:40pm
9:10 Scanned into MK
9:25am Thunder Mountain (walk on) 10 min posted, this ride has never gotten to me in the past (motion sickness) but I was in the second to last cart and that made this ride feel faster and “dippier” and I did not care for it lol
9:40am Westward Ho - Crispy Chicken/egg/pepper jack breakfast biscuit, 9/10 would get again!
9:55am Pirates of the Caribbean (10 min) 15 min posted
10:25am Enchanted Tiki Room (walk on, got there just as they were ushering people in)
10:45am Enchanted Tales with Belle (12 min) 20 min posted
11:20am Little Mermaid (G+)
11:35am Mickey’s Philharmagic (10 min) 15 min posted
12:20 Carousel (15 min) 5 min posted - tbh this one pissed me off lol, bc I would have never gone on it had I realized I would wait 15 mins, 5 mins was a cruel trick haha
12:50pm Winnie the Pooh (G+)
1:05pm it’s a small world (G+)
1:35pm PeopleMover (8 min) 15 min posted
2:05pm Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger Spin (G+) - I didn’t remember thinking this ride was this hard! But after having just done Toy Story Mania the day before, I did not find this one to be as easy to “play”, I prefer Toy Story Mania!
2:20pm Monsters Inc Laugh Floor (17 min) 10 min posted
3:05 Peter Pan’s Flight (G+)
3:25pm Pecos Bills - slugged some water, had a coke (12/10 refreshing!) and nachos (4/10, I did not remember these being so spicy, I mean I don’t like spice so I am probably a wimp saying this but I did not enjoy these bc of the spiciness, will not get again)
4:00pm Stopped in Columbia Harbour house which was not too busy and found an empty table next to an outlet to charge my phone
4:45pm Haunted Mansion (G+)
Walked to First Aid station for Tylenol (headache)
5:20pm Pirates of the Caribbean (G+)
5:50pm Sunshine Tree Terrace - I tried the I Lava You Float, and I was sure it was going to be too sweet even though I have read many people’s reviews who loved it. I LAVA THIS FLOAT! 10/10 very much looking forward to getting again in fall!
6:05 WDW Train (Frontierland) (6 min) 10 min posted - I felt like chilling for a bit again so I did a full circuit and then went on to Fantasyland
7:05 Mickey’s Philharmagic (5 min) 10 min posted
7:35pm Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ILL - felt the same way about this one as BTM earlier, I was in one of the last carts (row 8) and it felt faster and dippier than in the past, no thanks!
8:10pm PeopleMover (20 min) 5 min posted - this should have been a walk on, but the ride went down as I was in line, I kept debating back and forth about leaving the line and coming back, but I just kept sticking it out a few more mins and a few more mins. Some people in line behind me were speculating if someone had puked on the ride bc of the workers going up. Not sure, doesn’t really matter, PeopleMover is the BEST at night!
8:50pm Seven Dwarfs Mine Train (35 min) 35 min posted - Listen, I wasn’t expecting to be on this ride during HEA, I was just trying to hop in line while everyone was waiting for fireworks bc the wait would be shorter, but the fact that I actually got on it in perfect timing to see fireworks?! Let me just say it is just as cool as everyone says it is! Also, they put me in row 8 again, grrrrr, is that the designated solo rider lane?
9:30pm TRON - I tried getting a boarding group at 7am and didn’t get in. So then my plan was to get in at 1pm but I totallyyyyyyy forgot about it and I remembered at 1:55pm and I was like “crap! I guess I will see if I can still buy an ILL”. I was about to do that and then I thought to myself, “maybe I should just see if the VQ is still open?” AND IT WAS! So I literally got a boarding group at 2pm, an hour after the VQ started, I was shocked and thrilled when I got one! Plus TRON is always so gorgeous at night. I actually have yet to ride it in the day lol And LISTEN, I get that most people prefer Guardians to TRON, I really do get it. BUT bc I am not that much of a thrill ride person, I like easier going coasters. I seriously love TRON so much. It is such a horizontal coaster that it’s like my ideal. You get the thrill from it being fast and a little dippy, but nothing crazy. It’s a fave for me!!!
10:30pm Casey’s Corner - French fries and coke, both 10/10 refreshing and needed the pick me up!
10:45pm Main Street Confectionary - It was on my to-do list to get the popcorn mix from here. I chose Butter Popcorn, dark chocolate sauce, pretzel pieces and snickers. 10/10 definitely recommend. Will be getting a mix again in September!
11:10pm Got on bus back to resort
Friday 5/24 - Bonus Day?!
This was supposed to be my travel day back home. My flight was set to leave at 5pm, but in the morning my husband told me about storms in the midwest and I got an email from the airline about “adverse weather conditions”, so I called and changed my flight to the next day at 7am. (It ended up being the right choice bc my original 5pm flight out of MCO was delayed multiple times until it was finally canceled at like 10:30pm) I was thankfully able to book another night at All-Star Movies and could stay in my same room. I quickly formed the plan to go back to Animal Kingdom to see Festival of the Lion King again bc I had enjoyed it so much earlier in the week and then go to EPCOT to finish the final 4 Spikes that I had not located yet for the scavenger hunt!
11:00am Scanned in at Animal Kingdom
11:50am Mr. Kamal’s - got the Chicken Dumplings that were on my list to try but I did not get the chance to on Monday, also went back to my favorite spot by Drinkwallah, the dumplings were like a 6/10. Idk just pretty average for a potsticker that you can get anywhere, I probably would not get them again
12:15pm walked around Dinoland to really soak it in just in case next time I come it is walled off!
1:pm Festival of the Lion King - man, this is just fantastic! Be Prepared is my favorite villain song and I get so pumped when they do that part!
1:50pm Satu’li Canteen - got the wood-grilled chicken protein bowl, with rice and black beans and the creamy herb sauce. Literally OH MY GOD, this was so flipping good! 20/10!!! Best thing I ate hands-down all week. I wasn’t sure I would eat the slaw in the bowl but that was delicious, the creamy herb sauce was amazing and those little boba balls that add the citrus burst?!?! So so good. I have already altered our plans for September to include two meals here so I can get this bowl twice next time lol
2:45pm Took bus back to Resort
5:30pm Scanned in at EPCOT
5:55pm Living with the Land (walkon) 10 min posted
6:15pm Awesome Planet (walkon, went into theater immediately and show started) This was my first time checking this out, I really enjoyed it! I will def watch again especially in the heat of the day when I just need to sit somewhere cool for a bit!
6:45pm Found Spike (1 of 4 left) by the Butterly Landing!
7:00pm Found Spike (2 of 4 left) in France
7:10pm Checked out the Annual Passholder lounge in Restaurant Marrakesh
7:35pm Gran Fiesta Tour (walk on) 5 min posted
7:50pm Found Spike (3 of 4 left) in Mexico
8:00pm Got another Toasted Pretzel Bread and Raspberry Radler from Germany (dont judge! lol)
8:10pm watched Lit at Garden Rocks concert (who doesn’t love “My own worst enemy”!?!?!?)
8:35pm Found final Spike in Japan!!! - this one was my ultimate nemesis. I had searched Japan on Tuesday, I had searched Japan (twice?) earlier on this day and I was all set to give up bc I couldn’t find the Kokedama garden. I just hadn’t looked up the stone path to the left of Japan. Finally saw it when it was dark out and got my final Spike!!!
8:50pm Journey of Water walkthrough (always better at night!)
9:05pm Shoutout to the photopass guy who I stopped by on my way out of the park, those were the most awkward poses I have ever done in front of spaceship earth but you tried your best and the photos make me laugh every time I see them!
29,941 steps
Overall Thoughts
10/10 Amazing Trip. I found out about people going on solo trips here on reddit late last year and I was immediately certain I had to book one. While I can be a very social person, I am also a loner in the fact that I do enjoy spending time in my own company (not everybody does) so I knew a solo trip was right up my alley. It was everything I hoped for and more. I didn’t have to consult anyone else, I could do what I want, when I want. Also, (not to brag….shhhhhh…I’m not bragging I swear) but I am not a complainer. The heat usually doesn’t affect me too much, I have a good amount of endurance so I get tired of course but it takes a lot. I’m pretty unflappable because I’m just happy to BE AT Disney World. Others I’ve gone with are not like this so much lol so it was nice to just be in my own company in the sense that I was always in a positive mood and didn’t have anyone dimming that? If that makes sense?
Safety
I am a petite woman. I am 4’10” and 118lbs so I am very aware of my size in terms of my safety. I can honestly say though that I felt safe throughout the whole trip. The one time that I got off the bus at All-Star Sports at 10pm to go to the gift shop and then walked all the way to Movies, that did worry me a bit but only as I was walking through the parking lot sections.
And I did get the crap scared out of me at the resort due to the requirement of a “visual check”. I had not ever heard of this, but I was in my room for a midday break and I had a knock at my door by housekeeping. I thought it was odd bc I had my “room occupied” sign out the whole time bc I didn’t feel the need for housekeeping, it was just me in the room. I said “no thank you” and they knocked and announced housekeeping again. I said “no thank you” louder. (internally I was thinking, can they not hear me through the door????) and they did it again! I finally went closer to the door and I heard the person mumble something about a “visual check” and I very sternly and loudly said “no!” bc I didn’t know what the heck they were talking about. I peeked through the curtain at my window and watched the guy walk past holding a phone in his hand. I think he was wearing a uniform shirt but I couldn’t totally tell. I decided to call the resort in the event this was someone trying to pose as housekeeping staff. They ended up relieving my fears by telling me it was legitimate. Apparently, you have to have your room checked at some point in your stay (I was staying 5 nights) if you choose not to get housekeeping. He explained this has to do with the Pulse Nightclub shooting. I guess they had stockpiled guns in their hotel room and kept not letting housekeeping in. He explained that is why they do the visual check, for the safety of all resort guests. I was 100% supportive once he told me that and I felt bad for yelling at the guy. But also, I am a solo woman and I had no idea what the hell was going on, and to be completely frank, I had just showered so I was in a tshirt and underwear which made me feel even more vulnerable bc I was not fully dressed! I was not letting that person in my room. The guy on the phone totally understood that and apologized for alarming me. I told him to have the guy come back and do the visual check. I apologized to him when he came in. He was in my room for all of 10 seconds and that was it. But it was certainly a crazy ordeal!
Walking
I was doing 20-30k steps each day and other than hurting my leg on Tuesday I was honestly fine. I had shin splints too but again, they weren’t terrible and by Thursday they were gone. I brought tennis shoes and flip flops intending to switch on and off throughout the week in order to prevent my feet from getting sore but that never happened. I spent 3 hours in the shoes on Monday before my feet started hurting and I never wore them again. I had 2 different pairs of flip flops the whole time. I guess that is what my feet like!
Backpack vs Loungefly
I typically wear a normal size backpack to the parks, but also I can usually share wearing it with my husband. I didn’t really consider how hard it would be to wear a backpack alllllllll day long. And it wasn’t even heavy, I didn’t put much in it at all, but still it wore on my shoulders and made them sore. On Wednesday I ended up getting a Loungefly even though they have never really been my thing. It honestly ended up being perfect. It felt different on my shoulders and I wasn’t getting sore like I was with a regular size backpack.
Waiting in Lines
I have often read that one of the things that bothers solo travelers the most is waiting in lines by themselves bc it’s boring and they have no one to keep them company. I thought I might feel this way too but waiting in lines was not bad at all to me. It’s so easy to be on your phone that whole time. I was looking at my photopass photos, browsing reddit, and inputting trip notes. I felt like waiting in line was not a hardship for me as a solo traveler.
Photopasses
This trip exceeded my expectations with photopasses! The number of photos each photographer took and the variety of positions and magic shots was awesome. I am assuming part of that is because I was solo? I am not sure but I just felt like the quantity and time spent at each photopass location was better than normal. Special shout out to Hollywood Studios, that day in particular was just awesome. Every photographer was awesome, but especially the ones in Galaxy’s Edge. I was having such an amazing time getting them!
Total Photopasses each day:
MK - 6 photopass spots
AK - 2 photopass spots
Epcot - 3 photopass spots
HS - 7 photopass spots
MK - 6 photopass spots
AK and EPCOT - 7 photopass spots
I can’t wait to do it all again in September with my husband!

Hey there! Im honestly just posting this instead of journaling today. I dont expect to find anyone through reddit, but there always is a chance as love can come from anywhere... There is a quote that goes "put two ships on open sea without wind or tide, and they will find one another." To be quite honest, this word is filled with turbulence, wind and tide... and even now im not sure who I am searching for, so consider this post a message in a bottle.
About me...
I am on the younger side, 6ft with brown hair (slightly blonde at times), jade eyes, tan skin and a fit/athletic build but not super muscular (around 185-190 pounds). I have a well groomed stubble/beard (like Chris Hemsworth) I take care of myself and have one tattoo on my chest. My personality type is INFJ-A. Being that personality type I can basically change myself to fit the person I am around - so for example I can be quiet or outgoing depending on what the person I am around wants. I am not the smartest person (123 IQ - so im not that unintelligent either) but I have very high EQ and am thus a very discerning and intuitive person.
I have many hobbies... I love watching movies (all genres but Asian romantic dramas/comedies are my favorite by far), watching tv shows and prank videos, listening to music (pop is my favorite genre and Ava Max is my favorite singer by far!), studying the film industry, psychology, philosophy, eschatology and various other things. I love self defense, having meaningful conversations, meditation, and long walks at night. I am a homebody and prefer to relax in bed but I can easily go out and hang somewhere like a mall or party if there is something to do. Swimming is also a hobby of mine but I live in a small town in the desert so its not something I can do often.
I have many skills including - self defense, psychology, mentoring, counseling, writing, drawing, poetry (only when im in love), dancing, singing, survival, housework, cooking, cleaning, strategy, gaming, and anything with pets or babies. I have others but those are what comes to mind. Ive lived alot of places (over 60), have accomplished many things and have seen and heard many stories.
My line of work is the most important thing in my life, and my only non-negotiable that I am not willing to change (meaning I will change EVERYTHING about my life otherwise should you but ask). I work in trauma/rape/human trafficking and delinquency recovery for young girls. This job takes all my time four days a week and is something I put my entire heart into. There is no terror greater in the world than that of rape and sexual trauma and I am doing everything I can to try to help so many innocent women recover from its effects.
One day I am going to launch a nationwide and eventually global organization that will protect anyone who comes through our doors 24/7 and will work in any country to eliminate sexual violence by any means necessary - including standing against tyrannical governments. This will take time and one day may even cost my own life, but I will do anything I can to end this horror on the world. I understand if this type of lifestyle is not something you want to get involved with or support - or if you are looking for someone famous and rich, if that is what you want I wish you all the luck in the world - but that person is not me.
As for what I believe about relationships - I firmly hold that respect, loyalty and communication are the foundation of any healthy and loving relationship - and without them being given from both parties, a relationship is doomed to fail. I also am a huge believer in duality, that we have dualistic emotions, tendencies, emotions i.e. ying and yang inside all of us - and in order to love someone fully you have to understand and accept the entirety of a person, not try to change them or love them in "slices" so to speak. Ill include a link of some articles ive written about relationships-
https://orderofarstrena.wixsite.com/arstrena/meditations/categories/reflection
About who I am looking for... My Standards
So the only true non-negotiable is attractiveness (being beautiful/stunning) and being faithful. I have no other standards, pet-peeves or "personality requirements" - I will accept you for who you are and will not hold to you to act a certain way, make me feel a certain way, meet certain requirements, have a certain "personality" I enjoy etc. As long as you are the same woman I fell in love with, as long as I wake up to the same eyes every day that is all I care about, and aging doesnt matter to me - we all age in time, and my love for your beauty will never change. I will stand by your side through anything - crime, pain, hardship, sickness, disability, anger, abuse etc... as long as you never cheat on me. One thing about me is I am loyal for life, meaning once I fall in love with someone - and she gives me love in return, I will never be attracted to anyone else ever. I am "korsavalae sexual" - basically meaning I am loyal for life to the woman of my dreams. "Sata-pai" is an ancient egyptian word meaning I am your chosen because you are my chosen/you are my chosen because I am your chosen. I believe strongly in that term.
About who I am looking for... My Preference
All this being said, just because I am open to fall in love with any woman as long as there is basic attraction doesnt mean I dont have preferences. To be honest I am looking for a woman as amazing and beautiful as Ava Max... and if I cant find someone like her I would rather be alone. As I said in my post title I am searching for the most amazing woman in the world. Dont get me wrong, everyone is beautiful and amazing in their own way... I am just searching for someone extra special.
I also prefer the "bad girl" personality type, which is so hard and rare to find as most women fall into the opposite category... law abiding, hard working, genuinely good people. This is just a preference as I am open and sometimes attracted to sweet women, but I prefer bad girls i.e. offset moral compass, hot, parties like crazy, lives life by her own rules, dangerously minded, vindictive if betrayed, resourceful, skilled, sensual and sexual when aroused, reads others like an open book, able to change to get what she wants, a partner in life and crime.
On top of that... I only really want someone with a "yandere" personality type - meaning someone who is loyal for life, falls hard in love and lust, devoted to her love to the point of obsession, would rather die or do anything than lose her lover, will be sweet and loving to her partner, and takes care of who she loves. This obviously is not the way most people are, and is not the healthiest mentality - which is why it will never be a standard I hold my partner too... its just my deepest wish, I mean if someone isnt willing to lose themself for you, then there will always be a limit to their love.
Final comments...
Again I do not expect to find someone like this, but if one does not reach for the stars, what is even the point of looking up? As for me, I am willing to give my everything - my heart, mind, soul to the woman I love. Whatever she wants I will be, whoever she is I will adore - I am very affectionate but will give all the space my partner wants and needs. Every moment I am not helping others would be devoted to her love. I never get angry, cheat, or strike out in anger. I will support whatever her dreams are and will be there whenever she needs. I believe that the core of love is devotion - and I am willing to devote the entirety of myself - even my own life if she asks. I do not expect the same in return and know that most likely I will always be willing to give far more than I ever receive, and I am okay with that. The reason for that is simple, love is the core of my being. I believe a healthy relationship means listening and searching out the wants and needs of ones partner, treating every day like it is the last we will have together and pouring my heart and soul to her happiness.
Thats all I have to share, again I totally understand if you are searching for something different, or even think I should want something different. We all have our hopes and dreams, and this is mine. I hope each person reading this finds the partner of their dreams too.

Kinda bored, extremely horny. Looking for good sex, attention, and affection. I can’t host but I can travel to you.
I’m from NYC, I’m here temporarily. I’m super shy, sweet, and affectionate. I’m definitely thick as hell so please ignore this post if that’s not your thing. I tend to prefer black and brown women but anyone can message me, just send a selfie and a heart so I know you’re real. We can talk for a bit before meeting and verify over the phone. I have photos of myself on my profile if you wanna see me first. Message me if you’re down!

Spending time on Reddit has exploded many of my LGBTQ assumptions. So I ask this question, thinking I know the answer, but I’ll ask it anyway. I know bisexual males will exchange nude photos with each other - and no judgment, as I’ve done it, too. But do bisexual women do the same? My gut says, of course not, or at least certainly nowhere near as often as bisexual males. But allow me to pose the question, sit back and possibly be surprised. Or not.

Spending time on Reddit has exploded many of my LGBTQ assumptions. So I ask this question, thinking I know the answer, but I’ll ask it anyway. I know bisexual males will exchange nude photos with each other - and no judgment, as I’ve done it, too. But do bisexual women do the same? My gut says no, or at least certainly nowhere near as often as bisexual males. But allow me to pose the question, sit back and possibly be surprised. Or not.

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Constant_Barnacle992
Posted in TrueOffMyChest 2 months ago- https://www.reddit.com/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1caj4og/i_ruined_my_wifes_life/
Update #1 to add more context in same post as first post.
Update #2 in the same post as the first.
Update #3 posted in TrueOffMyChest 5 days ago.
https://www.reddit.com/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1d7eiq1/i_ruined_my_wifes_life_again/
I (m43) try to do my best to provide for my wife (f38) and 2 kids (3,5) as well as my MIL and would like to think I am doing a decent job. Over the years, I worked to improve our family’s living situation, not only did I complete another bachelors and recently masters in a STEM related degree, I at the same time worked 2 full time jobs (while completing my 2nd bachelors) and put my wife through school as well. She completed a degree where she could make good money (~60-70k/yr) in a healthcare field that always has jobs available. But with the birth of our 2 kids, she has since “gave up” on her career to be a SAHM for the time being. At first it was a struggle while I was finishing up my masters. Once I completed it, after our youngest turned 3 my career took a jump up and we are now able to afford our single income household in a more feasible manner. We’re far from rich but do ok for a single income family of 4 (a little north of 150k base+ bonuses). The past year life was overwhelming per my wife, so even though I now work 75% from home, I budgeted to hire a daytime nanny to help her around the house with 1 child while the other is in school now
My day starts everyday around 530-6am. I get the house ready for the day before the nanny comes at 8am, I get our oldest up and ready for school, breakfast made, and plan out my day, bring our oldest to drop off, and be home in time to let the nanny in. My most recent task at work has me grounded for the next 2 months meaning I am now 100% WFH, while this is nice, I am busy in meetings all day as my role manages teams on a global scale as I oversee projects from my industry. For the past 1 ½ months, I realized… my wife as much as she says her life is stressful at home… starts at 10am. I asked my MIL and nanny if this was always the case after a week or so of wfh, and they both responded more or less… sometimes earlier sometimes later. My wife literally wakes up and cooks and then scrolls through her phone or shops from home… which brings me to my gripe.
I am glad I am able to provide her that sort of life since we both grew up lacking in means. I get the possibility of postpartum depression, the stress of having kids, the feeling of being unfulfilled, the fact that I probably am a shitty husband… but for what it’s worth… everything is taken care of and then some.
I manage the houses finances (she claimed she was too busy to do so), pay all the household bills, I pay my own personal bills, I pay her bills, track and perform all the upkeep of our house appliances/cars/pets/etc., and I also “help” pay for my MIL’s medical bills and car note.
…but apparently my life is on easy street compared to hers. I can't decompress to her because it seems like she always feels the need to 1 up me. I had a bad day… but she had it worse cause I’m lucky I got to go away and work… My feet hurt from walking all day during work travel, which is nothing compared to her standing and cooking with a child clinging to her. For the past 2 or so years… I’ve been told I ruined her life, her opportunities, etc… but when I reminded her of what she says, she denies and dodges accountability. My MIL has brought me aside and stated she’s noticed a change in both myself and my wife. I have a greater attachment to my kids and hell… I’ve hugged the dogs and talked to them more about my life than to my wife. I honestly feel like I am in emotional survival mode as I’m one step from moving up the career ladder and one step away from finding love and comfort from the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
I’m sure I’ll be hearing from the manly men of reddit about how I’m simping… but I’m not a machine. I just want to know and feel that someone I prioritize aside from my kids appreciates and loves me for what I do… I’m sure I’ll hear from the stay at home moms of reddit… which is fine. I grew up in a single parent/mother household. It’s not easy… and honestly with the help of her mother and a nanny Mon-Fri, for one toddler while another child is at school… Can you honestly tell me she’s having the typical SAHM experience? Because neither my friends or colleagues who are single parents can say she is. I’m sure the masses of holier than thou redditors will consider this a poorly written fanfic, but it is what it is.
TL;DR Long story short, It feels as if my wife has checked out of our marriage… we’re only roommates where she can still reap the marriage benefits. I’m not asking for her to throw herself at me all the time and let me do whatever I want… I really just want to be told I’m doing good and just offer me some form of emotional comfort as simple as a hug, but I guess as the man who ruined her life, I deserve it.
Update #1 in same post.
*Thank you for the replies. To add more context:

1. Never cheated. I do work in an industry that has a large female population, but I’m literally an open book with work, name colleagues and staff under me, she has access to my work agendas and correspondence if she really wanted to snoop, but on that note she still doesn’t know what exactly I do for a living at this time…
2. We as whole family her parents and mine have tried to get her to go to therapy but she refuses or skirts around the issue.
3. Aside from my coming from a single mother household perse, my biological dad was present in my life. She has had both parents in a reportedly monogamous marriage for over 40 years.
4. I have tried to talk to her about everything and my own feelings but again… 1 upmanship tends to be the trend here.
5. What I am getting out of the marriage was asked… now, aside from my 2 beautiful kids, I’ve been asking myself that same question. We have a near nonexistent sex life mainly since last year. I always figured maybe it’s part of depression or whatever she may be going through… maybe I’m just not attractive enough or just horrible in bed because of my health conditions… I’m not some super model husband but temptation and opportunity does knock and I can perform still but I never give in, because as cliche as it sounds I honestly do love my wife and want to only be with her.
6. I’ll give credit where credit is due as I don’t want to sound biased: when I say she wakes up and cooks she cooks for everyone in the house. Myself, kids, MIL, and even nanny. Aside from breakfast she cooks all meals and snacks. I typically fast until lunch time and our oldest tends to eat a small simple breakfast incase they don’t like what school serves that morning. She does load both the kids and her laundry… but seldomly folds and puts them up. I typically do my own and the rest of my clothes I dry clean because they’re work clothes. She does keep track of our pantry and fridge? But after she makes the list I’m the one who goes out and buys everything if not delivered. She does clean our bathrooms and house 50% of the time, the other 50 is done by either MIL or myself or sometime nanny if she feels like being extra helpful.
7. Prior to nanny, my MIL was the main help for my wife up until she had unexpected medical needs. So I opted to hire a nanny to help them both, more so when MIL is having treatments and recovering.

Update #2 at the top of same post.
UPDATE 06May2024. Not sure if anyone would read this, but thank you for those who have reached out and chit chatted. While I know I’ve kept my newfound friends here updated, I figured I just update my post and keep it short.
I showed my wife my post the following weekend and she read it and all the comments. Long story short, argument, she left our house to stay with her sister, and I’ve been a “single parent” since.
It’s sad to say, aside from the goodnights to our kids it’s all pretty much the same routine.
Nothing much else to say other than thank you for all the kind words of encouragement.
***just need to add, this post got bigger than I expected from a venting post but I’ve responded to a few comments. Nonetheless, thank you for the comments and DMs… and more so for the offers to let me ruin your life ha. It’s been the highlight of my day/night as I sit here drinking with my dog while everyone else is asleep.
It feels depressingly sad that I feel that I have to turn to random internet strangers for some sort of validation in my rant. My apologies in advance as I try to keep this as vague as possible.
Update 3 posted in TrueOffMyChest 5 days ago
https://www.reddit.com/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1d7eiq1/i_ruined_my_wifes_life_again/
**First off, thank you for all the comments and DMs. Some context and clarification since admittingly my post was emotionally charged since I typed it up after another argument. **
Post birth, our kids pediatrician’s office gave my wife those PostPartum Depression screening forms and during the time of both she scored pretty high and was suggested to see a therapist. With our second child she scored significantly higher and we or I should say I made an effort to get her the help she needs. She refused, so entered mother-in-law and nanny for support… I know what people will say/think, but this is one of the reasons I am not 100% ready to just give up and file our life together away.
Also, I know silently suffering in the near and long run of our kids' future will not add to a healthy atmosphere, but neither would a bitter and hate filled divorce. I know some have compared it to the ripping off a bandage, saying it’ll hurt at first but that pain goes away but I’d rather try to spare my kids thinking that their parents ended up hating each other because of them or something along those lines.
I’ve told a few ppl I talk to in DM since my last post, a little more insight on my personal life, prior to my promotion I was a PM managing teams and budgets so out of habit I plan for a lot of “what ifs.”. That being said, I made a number of contingency plans if sadly things went south. So, yes I:
Have talked to a lawyer, 3 actually. Know our rights and what each of us are entitled to. Have a draft settlement created and on hold until I feel I need to use it. I know what I want and am willing to offer more than what is fair for our kids' well being, but also have a plan if we end up going to court.
It’s 100% on me that I’m suffering in silence, but I’m too stubborn to just give up so while I am venting, I don't expect anyone to “feel sorry for me”. I endure it to keep the norm our kids know, ensure my MIL’s treatments go uninterrupted, and of course the hope my wife would finally be open to give therapy a shot and climb together to a better place.
Thank you all again.
I just wanted to update those who have been kind enough to check up via DM and comments. Apologies in advance for the lengthy post. It’s a bit of irony and coincidence that I made a follow up from the update on 06May2024 I made on my original post during men’s mental health awareness month but I could really use another outlet outside of my therapist. My apologies if this isn’t the story book ending/destroying of a relationship people were hoping for…
To save you a read. Wife left. Came back like nothing happened. She made it about her. Nothings changed. I’m continuing to be suffering mentally knowing nothing will change while trying to keep it together for our kids. Lots of take out.
The day after she packed up and left, my wife attempted to come back and take the kids with her to her sister’s. Naturally I was against this and thankfully so was her whole family including said sister. Not only was it not fair to our kids for her to sweep them away into a home that’s not theirs but to put that financial and housing stress on the rest of her family since she doesn’t work and her sister and her family (husband and 3 kids) stays with their dad in the house they grew up in.
After a little over a week of being away, I guess she cooled off so she just decided that it would be fine if she walked in the door with her bags as if she just came back from Target. She came into my office while I was working and angrily stared at me while I sat on a conference call meeting with my team and I couldn't just jump off as this is a busy time of the quarter for us. I guess that didn’t sit well with her because once I took off my headset and closed my laptop she started yelling at me about how much I really don’t care about her and her well being overall. At that moment I couldn't do anything more than look at her and just shake my head. Mother in law came in after hearing my wife yelling and pulled her away, telling her to not bother me, while our nanny kept our youngest away from it all on the other side of the house.
That night after the kids were put to bed, I sat in my office by myself with a drink as I have been doing for the past nights and my wife came in. We talked. We argued. We cried. We drank. One thing led to another and we were in bed. I wish I could say that was our making up but the next sobering morning as we laid there, she went on about how hard it was for her the time she was gone. Literally… it was about her struggles staying at her family house in her old room with her dad and sister’s family. How lucky I am to be able to stay here and do this and that and buy this or do that and not stress as much as they did.
How easy MY and everyone else's in our family lives are compared to hers even though we had similar upbringings…
My mind and heart broke that morning. I’ve been spiraling down since then and this last week I made another attempt to reconcile and talk things out, but I was met with a shouting match while trying to express my current stress and anxieties with life and work in general:
Wife: ”... well do you know how hard this is all for me? You’re supposed to help me be happy.” Me: “So when it comes to my happiness, stress, needs, and overall well being… fk me get over it right? ” Wife: “ We all have our own problems, you need to figure it out and get over them.”
I don't know who the woman I am at home with is but that wasn’t the woman I married and vowed to spend my life with and raise our kids together. Since that conversation, I’ve been noticeably distant with her. I’ve been sleeping in my office or on the couch or with my kids in their bed after putting either one of them to sleep. Still doesn't change her starting her day at 10am… and sitting on her phone talking to her mom groups between cooking meals with the kids in both mother in law and nanny’s care.
Nothing has changed and I doubt that anything will change. Sadly, I think even if we got a divorce, nothing would change or feel different anyway since during my wife’s leaving the days seemed like any other day except with a little more take out than usual. My main fear there isn’t that I wouldn’t just lose my wife, I’d lose my kids in the process.
So I guess it’s sad to say the grand finale to my story with like alot of men and some women I’ve talked to here, I’ll just continue to smile and suffer in silence.
EDIT: Now deleted comment history found by a commenter.
From his comment history
I've been struggling with ED in my later 30's early 40s, for a while I thought I had low testosterone or it was due to my health. I got "healthier" (lost the weight, lowered my blood pressure, got off the meds) and when that didn't work I got consultations from a few urologists and endocrinologist. I did test for low T... so I got on hormone therapy. It somewhat worked... but a few of the urologist highly suspect I have a penile venous leak. After talking to quite a number of experts in the field and looking for alternatives... I actually found a combination of both medication (Trimix) and device that honestly made me harder than in my 20s- early 30s. Even though this combination gets me good to go within 10-15 minutes which is usually focused on foreplay with my wife. For the last of 2021 and early 2022 we were having some of the best sex of our marriage almost daily... then one day after sex she tells me she doesn't feel happy with it because it's "unnatural" that I have to take these steps to just make love to her. She then compared me to her ex in bed... I laid there next to her in silence and just turned away. My brain broke that night.

For some clarification the photos have thankfully been taken down because I am a minor and was even younger when the photos were taken. Also this happened a bit ago and I’m not really talking to the people involved anymore. Also this is really long so bear with me 💀 and TW for sa, abuse, sh, and plenty of other stuff. Please don’t read if you’re already in a bad headspace. Take care of yourself fist <3
For some background context i didn’t have a great childhood and at 13 got involved with some not so great people. They were all quite a bit older then me and would frequently abuse me both sexually, mentally, and physically in the form of having me take a lot of different substances usually all at once. It’s not something I talk about unless directly asked about it so most people don’t know about it or all the details.
In 8th grade I met a girl who I’ll call P. P and I had met before but lost contact during lockdown. She was really nice to me and we quickly became friends. She would “fake” flirt with me a lot which I thought was normal for friends. It was nice being around someone who wasn’t constantly trying to sleep with me so I got pretty attached to her. On the last day of school she asked me to kiss her and I did. Apparently just one kiss meant we were dating. I didn’t realize that we were in a relationship until like two weeks later because she had never actually talked to me about it. I only realized it when she asked if my mom knew we were dating yet. I didn’t want to upset them and risk losing my only friend so I just kinda went with it. I was able to get away from the older teens who had been abusing me and I let P know that some not great stuff had happened to me but they never knew the specifics.
Our relationship continued another two years and I never really was able to make any more actual friends. I felt bad if I left P alone because they also didn’t have anyone. Over time whenever we were together they were usually on their phone role playing with people on discord and wouldn’t really even acknowledge I was there. There discord chats were usually sexual in nature but I knew about it and had technically said I was fine with it. Also we had discussed that our relationship was basically open including online. I had opportunities to sleep with someone during our relationship but never did because it just didn’t feel right. P and I had never been fully with each other physically but had done some stuff. They said they were asexual and because I knew what it felt like to be guilt tripped into being intimate I would never even so much as ask to be intimate.
Then at the end of our softmore year we both became friends with a girl who I’ll call R. R seemed nice at first and I enjoyed having someone who would actually respond to my text because P usually wouldn’t. Soon R and I became pretty close but I never saw her as anything more than a friend. She would frequently wake me up at night to vent and I had to talk her down from self deleting more than once. It made me really exhausted and ruined my mental and partially my physical health to. But she would often talk about how all of her friends in the past would leave her and i genuinely did care about her and didn’t want her to be alone so i kept pushing myself for her. Not too long before the start of our junior year R texted me on discord that she had made me something. I asked what it was and she started acting kinda odd but eventually sent me a picture of it.
It was a piece of paper that had lots of hearts and stuff on it like “A+R forever”. That’s our initials. It was all very messily painted on in red. I was obviously taking a bit back by it and looking at the photo made my stomach hurt for some reason. There were scissors in the photo but no cuts in the paper so I asked about it. Eventually she admitted that she had used the scissors to get blood from herself to write with. That was the red “paint” she had used on the paper. I didn’t know what to do and called P because y’know they were my gf and the hearts and stuff had obvious implications. I was also hoping for some comfort since I would often comfort them when something happened in their life. All I got was “well that sucks but you can date her too if you want”. I didn’t want to date R but was genuinely scared of what they would do if I outright rejected her. So I told her that i wasn’t mad but I was concerned and asked her to talk in person.
She came over and i tried to convince her to get mental help from a professional. She insisted that it was fine and that it wouldn’t help her anyway. She started to get kinda touchy and I was still worried about how she would react if I said no to her advances. We contacted P again because I did tell R that i wouldn’t breakup with P to be with her. Also I was hoping that P would tell her no or something. I’ll admit I was an absolute coward during this. I didn’t know how to advocate for myself and let things go further than I was actually comfortable with. P just said something along the lines of “have fun” and without any actual reason other than that I just didn’t want to I let her do what she wanted. She stayed the night and kept me up for most of it. I my best to act like I was into it just like I had done before with the older teens who would guilt me into it. She kept wanting to go another round because I hadn’t finished. Im not biologically male so I was able fake one and she believed it.
After that I was now in a polygamist relationship with P and R. R did a lot of stuff ranging from “jokingly” threatening mine and loved one’s life’s to screaming at me because i wouldn’t let her put cameras in my room. She was very possessive and would often accuse me of cheating on her and P. There was once that someone had tried to convince me to sleep with her but I said no and immediately told R and P about it. When school started she would often start something between or would act weird with other classmates. She would have me let her examine my skin and scalp for anything she could pick at or pop. It made me uncomfortable but I still didn’t say anything. I definitely should have communicated better but was scared that anything would set her off. The entire time this was happening P knew and was often present but didn’t say anything. Soon R and P decided to date too. I mentioned to P a few times that some of the stuff R did made me uncomfortable but they didn’t seem to care and would just change the subject.
Towards the end of the first trimester R and I got into an argument over text because she kept “jokingly” saying that she wanted to kill my mom because my mom said she couldn’t come over. I’m so grateful for my mom for not letting R come over unsupervised. I don’t know what she would have done if she had been allowed over and left completely alone with me. For the first time i actually stood up for myself and told R that I was really tired because it was pretty late at the time and that I would talk to her at school in the morning. After that i turned off my phone and went to sleep.
The next morning i wake up and see that i have a TON of notifications from R. I check and she’s ranting about finding stuff on Reddit. She called me a whore and said that I was trying to hookup with ped0s. I check my Reddit account which I hadn’t even been on in a while and there were post with nude pictures of me that I don’t even remember posting. I took them down of course. They were indeed pictures of me but I didn’t have them anywhere on my phone nor do I remember posting them. I was really confused and hurt by what she had said to me so I tried to text her and ask wtf was going on but she had blocked me. I went to school hoping to talk and figure out wtf was happening.
I saw P and told her what happened and she texted R. R told her that she was taking a mental health day because of what I had done. P was as usual pretty indifferent despite how upset I was. R later told P that I had been messaging adult men and trying to meet with them. I told P my side and they said that I probably didn’t remember making the post because I was high or something. I still cared about R and managed to convince myself that maybe somehow I did make the post and just forgot. The next day R did come back to school and had cut there hair down to there shoulders. Their hair was always really long and they had always said that they would be devastated if it ever got cut. I was pretty upset and on the verge of breaking down all day because i thought that R cut it because of me.
I made it through first period but when I was just about to head into my second period R walked by. It was odd because my class wasn’t on the way to R’s second period. I broke down and left a bit into second period. I texted P say that I was going home because I was literally hyperventilating and sobbing in class. In the message I mentioned that the stuff R was saying to me made me feel Ike i wasn’t deserving to even be with them. They took this as me breaking up with her over text even though it wasn’t my intent but I guess could have maybe been interpreted that way? My mom picked me up and I told her that I’d tell her what was happening once I was actually able to breathe properly.
She let me go upstairs and cry for a while before I eventually told her everything that had happened. She said that IF I had posted the pictures that it was not ok but that how R and P were treating me was definitely not justified. She told me to block them and to call my therapist. She said that i didn’t have to go to school for a bit. I hadn’t told her everything R had done but just the stuff that had happened in the last few days.
When I did get back to school P and I talked they said that we were over but that they were still gonna be with R. I was confused and didn’t understand but they continued to be very hostile towards me. I still cared a lot about them and just felt really betrayed that after everything they just kinda kicked me to the curb. P said that they were willing to still be friends. I asked if they still wanted me to sit next to them in the classes we had together and she said that she didn’t care. I sat next to them but they glared at me the whole time and just general acted pissed off so I moved to a different table towards the back of the room and just kinda cried. The teacher checked up on me but I said I was fine. I said I just didn’t want to talk about it and he accepted that but still checked in on me. After that we just did talk like at all.
Someone who I had sat next to during lit n comp notice that i looked like well… a mess. He and i weren’t close or anything but we kinda knew each others. I said that P and I broke up and they immediately pulled me out of the class with them and into a room our school had called the ssc. It was kinda for neurodivergent kids and just generally for decompressing if students got overwhelmed with something. We talked in there and in my distress I just kinda let it all spill. They seemed really pissed but not at me. He was pissed at R and P. He held me and comforted me through the rest of the day. I’ll call him E
E was coincidentally good friends with some people I was sorta friends with in middle school. They basically adopted me into there group and came together to comfort me as well as keep an eye on my throughout the school day in case R and P tried to say anything to me. They didn’t trust them and after showing them all the threats and messages R had sent me most of them told me to report it to the school and potentially get a restraining order. They mentioned that a lot of the stuff R AND P were doing to me was textbook abuse.
P would often bite me and when I asked them to stop she would just say that it was their way of “showing affection”. Most of the time there biting would be really painful and I would practically beg them to stop because it hurting me. There were usually at least bruises from it. R had also had me cut myself because it “turned them on”. They would both “jokingly jab me specifically in my ribs even though I said that it hurt and that i didn’t find it funny just painful.
One day after 5th period R roughly grabbed my arm and dragged me outside. P just stood and watched. R told me that they cut themselves because of me and that i need to get another therapist. She said that I needed to fix myself. She yelled at me a lot and because of stuff from my childhood i started to cry just from her raising her voice. I didn’t know what to say to I apologized and said that I’ll do better. After she stoped yelling P asked if i wanted a hug. I was honestly disgusted at the thought of them touching me and that fact that they said and did nothing that whole time. I said no and admittedly said it in a very harsh tone. I went inside and one of my friends (B) immediately rushed up to me and asked if I was ok. He had seen R grab me but couldn’t find where she had pulled me to. I said I was fine physically and he had me go with him and tell our other friends what happened. They were all pretty pissed and again told me to report it.
At the time i didn’t want P or R to get in any trouble so i didn’t say or do anything. I just wanted to be drama free for a bit and forget about everything. I fell behind in my school work but managed to just barely pass. Eventually after lots of convincing from my mom, friends, and therapist I did compile a list as well as screen shots of messages as proof and reported it to the school. I asked them to not anything to P and R if they could because I still cared about them and didn’t want to cause more trouble. Me and the principal agreed that it would all be put on record but that nothing would come of anything unless something were to happen in the future. I was urged to get at least a restraining order since R had threatened mine and many other people lives including my pets over text. I do not have a restraining order
Even though everyone tells me that i wasn’t in the wrong I still worry that maybe somehow I might be. Maybe everyone was just biased because they knew me first. I do feel gross and used in a way but I don’t know… I don’t want to believe that these people who I loved and cared for so much are actually as cruel as it seems. I’m kinda hoping that I was the one in the wrong. They’re not very nice to anyone including each other but they can’t actually be bad people right? It wasn’t a lot but there were at least a few good memories. It’s my fault for not communicating enough or something right? Please tell me that ITAH. They’re still good people somehow.

Over the past few months, I've been trying to get outside the google system as much as possible. Its been tough but the reasons why I'm trying to degoogle:

• Google Ads have been Terrible on the Search Engine
  • I'm a programmer and the search results have been just terrible as of recent because they're pushing their AI
• I have the Google home and on a call on my iPhone, I had a convo about Washing Machines (First time I'm fully sure of it) around the google home. I can't remember where on google but I had an ad for a washing machine deal. I WAS PISSED!!!!!!!
• I had a Gmail account for a different reddit account and I was subscribed to my old college subreddit. Some reddit notification caused google to think my account is against their policy. After getting my emails and proving to them that hey this is a reddit notification not something from me, they still said they can't restore my account and I had a terrible time with different accounts to that backup email to restore them through my phone (Credit Karma, Reddit, New Sites , ... etc)
• Google Photos they switched the pricing a few years ago and it kept on failing for me and their latest update was just terrible to sync with my iPhone.
• The Amount of email ads I'm getting on Google is terrible
• I was excited about their built in AI but it gave me terrible results for programming search
• Google Chrome just kept destroying my RAM for whatever reason.
• Their Password manager was just all over the place. I don't trust it and I don't trust apple with passwords as well.

Because of that, I made a mission to completely try to move away as best as I can. Here is my current stack:

• ProtonMail With my own Domain
  • This gave me more control, the ability to create different aliases for the account with my domain and also different set of tools like their VPN (Which is awesome ngl better speed that NordVPN)
  • Cost: 12.99$ -> Has better pricing yearly will pull that plug soon
• Claude for AI usage
  • I've paid the basic pricing for their base service. It's been amazing in my coding efforts so far and I don't think I can go a day without it. They still have a weird max in some models but never had to go over that much in a 5 hour window.
  • Cost: 21.32$ Monthly -> Better Pricing Yearly?
• Kagi Search Engine
  • I've used their free version. It was just amazing. The ranking ability, the lens function, ability to modify the search results with CSS and just NO ADS IS AMAZING!!!!!! Lens is just awesome I can adopt for different cases like when I'm programming and I can get a session link to use at work without logging in. They don't save search results as well based on their privacy information:
  • Cost: 10$ Monthly -> Has better yearly prices
• iCloud+
  • I've used iCloud for a while on my iPhone but after organizing everything properly, it's been amazing. I'm fully into their ecosystem (outside the stuff mentioned above) but everything just works flawlessly. I've upgraded to the 2TB and my photos and documents are stored there by default without any issues.
  • Cost: 12.99 I think? has better pricing yearly as well
• Safari:
  • This was def a surprise. I haven't used safari in a while because of google chrome and always had an issues with it back when I did use it. In the past few weeks, it's been amazing!!!! Just a pleasant experience and I trust apple a lot more than google because they don't focus on ads and my information is end to end encrypted from their latest update so I'm happy with it.
  • Cost: Free with Mac
• 1Password:
  • This is just an amazing tool. I don't like having everything in the same place or company and 1Password has been just working with everything I mentioned above. No issues and works very well.
  • Cost: 34.99 per year I think?
• Notion
  • The Mac application is amazing here. I can store everything on here compared to my notes or google docs and it works very very well. I'm happy with it!
  • Cost: Free
• Apple Home Hardware
  • This is not really de-google but the Apple TV and speaker combo works right outta the box. Its awesome and google home feels terrible now.
  • Cost: Apple Website probably has this.

Slack:

• I just use slack for reminders or quick notes to myself. Sometimes I have slack bots just do stuff from a local cron job as reminders which is fairly cool.
• Cost: Zero

Total Cost Monthly if not switched to yearly: 60.21$
There are some services I still use from google but hoping to move away:

• Gmail -> A lot of accounts are tied to my primary email. I keep it as just a backup or until I switch completely. Will still keep it for the future.
• Google Voice -> I can't find something to replace this for now or haven't looked hard enough.
• Google Docs/Sheets and their suite -> Google is unmatched here. I just use this if someone shared a doc or just writing something that is meant to be shared or worked on. Not used to store any important information

Hope others find this helpful! If someone has suggestions for the last bit of degoogle let me know!
EDIT: Added Slack

I’m DESPERATE for help. I’ve posted to both the UK MH sub and the DV sub - and both have simply removed my posts. This is very long, very rambling, very surreal, and contains mentions of r*pe, so please be aware if you’ll find that triggering.
Both my parents are narcissists, but this concerns my mother (though I have no relationship with my father, either). My MINO (mother in name only) has sabotaged my life at every turn, whatever I’ve tried to do she’s destroyed. It didn’t help that I didn’t attend a conventional school (it had nuns - of the Irish Catholic ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ variety). She absolutely HATED me me being good at anything; I could read and write before I started in reception - but the head put the idea into her head that I was dyslexic (she hated me for some reason, she called me ‘satanic’ and ‘the devil’s daughter’). I finished the school reading scheme, such as it was, before I’d been in Reception a half-term, my classmates always used to ask me how to spell words, etc., basically I found pre-prep incredibly boring, because I was so far ahead of my peers (that sounds really arrogant and conceited, doesn’t it…?), so I used to take myself off and do my own thing. MINO arranged for me to have extra lessons in literacy which, obviously, I never went to (because I didn’t need them). They were taught by Sister Mary Candida, who taught nursery (and once LOCKED me in a cupboard).
So determined was I to get out of her stupid lessons that I came up with a plan; I had a book I was reading at home (I forget what it was now, but that’s not really relevant). It had my name and an address label inside the front cover and I thought that, if I took it to school and showed it to her, she would demand I read to her from it and that would be that. Of course that didn’t happen.
So I took my book into school and I showed it to her. The resulting conversation went something like this:
SMC: “Did you find that…? Give it to me and I’ll find out who it belongs to:
Me: “No, Sister, it’s mine. I’m reading it at home”
SMC: “Don’t be silly, that’s a grown-up book” (it wasn’t really, but far more advanced than what your average 5-year-old would be reading) Me: “I’m not being silly, it’s my book - look it has my name in it”
She obviously decided that I’d written my name in someone else’s book, because she whacked my hands with her ruler (standard nun-issue weapon) and I was forced to write ‘little girls who tell lies will burn in hell’ 1,000 times (yes, really)
She gave the book to Sister Kevin (head) who called my mother; MINO denied ever seeing me with the book (she LIED to a nun). MINO then arranged for me to have lessons with s SaLT from the Dyslexia Institute - they obviously ‘loved’ me because they were spending all this extra money on me.
Again, I went twice and then stopped turning up. I took my book and went and hid behind the pre-prep where I thought nobody would find me. The deputy head did (she wasn’t a nun, but she might as well have been). My mother was obviously called into school again.
That night, they removed all the furniture from my room - including the carpet tiles (under which there was concrete) and as punishment for wasting their money, I was forced to sleep on the bare floor (if you were to ask MINO about this, she would deny it ever happened). I used to write a kind of diary/journal - she found it, and I was forced to watch as she ripped out the pages and BURNT them.
I spent my entire childhood being dragged round child shrinks - she even considered having me enrolled in a residential school.
I wanted to die aged 5. I tried to kill myself aged 6.
She sent me to Sunday school (they rarely attended church) where I was r*ped by the curate. I do remember one incident where she literally frogmarched me up to the altar to get her some flowers one Mothering Sunday. I also remember her taking me to WHSmith’s and choosing a mother’s day card, making me pay for it out of my pocket money, then dictating to me what I should write in it when we got home.
I left school at 16 with no GCSEs I desperately tried to leave, but my parents live in a small town with not much in the way of public transport (and, obviously, I had very little money).
She has ensured that I’m completely dysfunctional.
Because I was so desperate to get away, I made the mistake which has led to the situation I now find myself in. I moved in with someone I met on a forum; he seemed charming enough - but what really attracted me to him was the fact that he lived at the other end of the country. In his forum bio he said he was a “former alcoholic” and divorced. If I’d had my wits about me and wasn’t so desperate to get away from my PINO (parents in name only) that should’ve been a massive red flag but, obviously, I wasn’t thinking straight.
He lived in the middle of the arse-end of nowhere in County Durham (and I mean that, where he lived was just a row of houses surrounded by fields). It was okay for a while, then he became controlling. Then violent. Obviously the “former alcoholic” was a lie - he was drinking at least a bottle of gin a night. I wasn’t allowed to use the computer, unless he was there to supervise. He took my phone and chucked it over the wall into the adjacent field where it was promptly trampled to bits by cows. He worked for BT as an engineer, so it was trivially easy for him to bug the landline (he used to explain the delay in call connection by the fact we were so remote). He r*ped me. More than once. He controlled what I ate - and when. He changed the locks on the front and back doors, and refused to give me the keys. He forced me to pay my benefits into a joint account. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless he was with me.
I attempted to escape; he’d made the mistake of giving me a credit card and I thought that, if I could just get a bus into Darlington I’d be able to get a train - and I’d be free (of course I had no fucking idea where I was going to go). He got absolutely shit-faced one evening and passed out on the sofa. I found the front door key in his pocket, packed up what I could, and left. I had about 8 hours to wait out before the bus arrived. Thankfully, it was June so it was warm.
Unfortunately, he woke up and went looking for me; he found me and dragged me back. He then decided he’d had enough of me, downed most of a bottle of rum, forced me into his van and locked the doors. Once we got onto the A1(M) he floored it, I can’t remember where he decided to dump me - somewhere in the Midlands, I have a feeling it was either Stoke or Stafford. I do remember he was doing around 100 - I honestly thought he was going to kill me.
I didn’t know wherever-it-was, anyway. So there I was, with no phone, obviously I was a complete mess and, even though it was the last place I wanted to go, I had no choice but to return to my parents.
As you can imagine, I had a complete breakdown, which mutated into PTSD. I was trapped; obviously, they weren’t going to do anything to help me and there was nothing I could do to help myself - at least not while they were in the house (because, obviously, I couldn’t use their landline while they were there).
Eventually, they fucked off on holiday for a fortnight, so I took the opportunity to attempt to escape; because I’d escaped a violent relationship, I called Women’s Aid, thinking I’d be able to get myself into a refuge at least.
(This next bit won’t mean anything to anyone outside the UK/Ireland, and I’m really posting here because I need help from people in the UK)
What actually happened was they contacted social services and I had two social workers at the door. They made assumptions that, because I was basically living in a dump (for reasons I would hope were obvious) and that I was basically stuck in bed, that I didn’t understand the health risks of living in such a state - NOT because I’d escaped a violent relationship and had a complete breakdown.
I was sectioned. Spent almost 18 months in an ATU (assessment and treatment unit). From there, I was moved to a care home for people with learning disabilities and complex needs about 100 miles away. It was only when I was there - and quite by chance - that I learnt that I was now being held hostage by the Court of Protection under the Mental Capacity Act and DoLS (denial of liberty safeguarding).
My detention under both is unlawful because, in order for the court orders to be valid, the person to whom they’re being applied has to have undergone an assessment and, had I undergone assessment, I’d have known I was detained. I do not lack capacity.
I was there for another 18 months, where I had to contend with another resident constantly slamming his bedroom door (staff were meant to be posted outside his room to prevent him doing so, but he was extremely obese, prone to violent outbursts and they were scared of him, so there was rarely anyone there).
I was then moved to a poky little flat back in my parents’ home county; the flat was up a steep flight of stairs and I was struggling with my mobility. Due to the court orders, I am essentially gagged and nobody has to take a blind bit of notice of anything I say. When I bought food, I had to struggle with it up four flights of very steep stairs myself. Eventually the flat manager told staff to bring it up and I’d put it away. Then I had to contend with the flat manager binning it less than 2 days after I’d bought it, claiming it was all out of date. So, eventually, I just stopped eating. If I left the flat, she would ‘stalk’ me, following me about 10 paces behind.
I managed to escape from there early one morning, after lying to her manager that I needed to take my MBP to the Apple Store. I got on the first bus to the nearest station, and got on the first train and ended up in Birmingham. I then got the next train out of there and ended up where I am now. I spent 3 months in hospital (where I couldn’t get taken seriously so I am now severely chronically ill), where I saw 2 psychiatrists who stated that I was completely lucid, that I didn’t have any mental illness (how they couldn’t see how traumatised I was, I’ve no idea) and that I wasn’t suicidal. I was then dumped where I am now - and this is by far the worst place I’ve been - and this is what prompted this post because I need help, it’s not hyperbole to say my life is in danger.
I am trapped - both legally and physically. This is WORSE than being in a violent relationship because I can’t escape; if I was to do so, the police would simply bring me back here.
Staff control my food. Just like my ex
Staff have taken my phone. Just like my ex
Staff are physically abusive if I don’t do what they want, when they want. Just like my ex.
Staff have full control over my finances. Just like my ex.
Staff control who I see - and when. Just like my ex.
Staff won’t allow me to keep the flat front door locked, just as my ex changed the locks on the front door of his house - and refused me a key - so he always had access.
Staff control my internet access. Just like my ex (they have removed the router from the flat, so they can now cut me off whenever they feel like it, this is a connection that I am paying for, but they control my finances, so they can claim they are)
Staff open my post. Just like my ex
There is an alarm on the front door of the flat (100dB, which is well above the threshold which damages hearing), so I am literally trapped. I can’t leave. I have been informed by staff that they are legally allowed to enter the flat at any time and for any length of time. They have told me that this is “written down”, but that they “don’t have to show it” to me. I am now severely chronically ill, due to the abuse, the stress and the fact that I am being denied anything remotely resembling proper meals (a ‘meal’ often amounts to nothing more than cheap processed meat dumped on a - very often paper - plate).
The door alarm (cheap Chinese junk, you can buy a pack of 10 for around £12). I have severe tinnitus and hyperacusis (pathological hypersensitivity to noise).
Link to photo of the door alarm - I have removed several of these, but they keep replacing them