NOT asking for medical advice, just options to bring to my doctor to approve!
I'm prescribed modafinil off-label for ADHD.
My psychopharmacologist was willing to go out on that limb with me because methylphenidate (in the past I was on Ritalin LA or Concerta) and, god forbid, amphetamine (I trialed Adderall for two terrible days) both make me feel wired and obsessive (worsened OCD symptoms) as well as negatively affecting my sleep. My guess is that my brain and body just don't do well with too much norepinephrine.
The issue is that modafinil doesn't always help me focus enough. I do well on modafinil(from modafinia) plus a little bit of caffeine, but caffeine is usually too long-acting for me and keeps me awake that night.
Two questions, and I will clear everything with my doctors first, so please feel free to suggest anything legal (USA):
Are there other (ideally OTC) mild stimulant options that mildly increase norepinephrine? Theobromine? Something more niche I'm not thinking about? Alternatively, is there anything that would boost my body's ability to break down / reuptake excess norepinephrine? TL;DR: I have ADHD, I don't do well on Rx methylphenidate/amphetamine, Rx modafinil is great but I need a little extra norepinephrine boost, and caffeine keeps me awake for too long. Suggestions?

I was raised by a father who was bipolar type 2, had borderline personality disorder, severe depression with constant suicidal ideation, the most severe anger issues I have ever seen in a human being in my life (imagine if logan roy from succession got hooked on amphetamines, about like that), and he committed suicide when I was 19. I was not allowed to feel in my home, if I was upset about anything at all, then that meant that I was "whining" and needed to shut up and be more grateful, even when I was "whining" that he took so many pills that he forgot me having to stop his suicide attempt, and I got angry when I mention that event and he went "what are you talking about?", I thought he was gaslighting me at first, but I later realized the combo of drugs he was on and his own severe mental instability had actually blocked that memory out from his stupid fucking head, but I was wrong for getting upset because "it's not my fault I don't remember". Not even the point, the point is I was raised that expressing emotions of any kind was a direct affront to my father that would not be taken lightly by him, and I VERY MUCH internalized that. It took me 18 months after his death to be able to shed a single tear about the situation, and even then it was tears of anger, and I had to force myself to cry, it was like my head was a hot air balloon of a whole lifetime of emotions and pain I had locked away and wanted to let it out but I couldn't, then when I did let it out, it hurt so much, that I wanted to numb it all away again, and that's when the drinking got really bad. I am 9 months sober after almost dying from anemia caused by a severe long term gastric bleed caused by my drinking (they consider the life threatening range for your hemoglobin level anything below about 7-8, yea, mine was 3.4 when i got to the hospital, it took 7 bags of blood just to bring me up to barely stable), and it left me with some liver scaring, I was so desperate to not feel all the pain that I drowned it, and now I'm finally having to come up for air, and oh boy. I feel like I have no idea who I am. Where does the me that my parents molded me into end and the me that is my true self begin. Will I ever be able to enjoy my interests without the deep seeded shame I have for stuff like watching anime that I have from my dad quite literally calling me a pussy for liking anime. I got a hunter x hunter charm necklace thing and I've been wearing it and I like it, but I still am so incredibly self conscious about it because of the time I tried to wear a necklace in like 5th grade and my dad said it made me look "faggy", which is absolutely fucking insane because my dad was genuinely not homophobic, my aunt was gay and she was frankly the only one of his siblings he actually liked, he didn't have a bigoted bone in his body, but what he meant is "girls won't go for you if you wear that", but fuck you, I was in 5th grade and (very much due to the emotional repression) I wouldn't get truly interested in dating until, let me check, NOW. I had a long term girlfriend through high school and college who was my first love, but we only started dating because she asked me out, I have never made the first move on a girl a single time in my life, I've quite literally never flirted. My whole life, I have been so scared of relationships because the only one I saw was my parents godless nightmare of a marriage where they were "staying together for me" even when I was in high school ACTIVELY ASKING THEM TO GET DIVORCED, because they were such fucking nightmares. I have always thought that whatever good feelings of love and fulfillment I would get from a relationship would never outweigh the pain that would come along with the fights, and only now that I'm finally starting to break through the layers of repressed emotions and that I've dried out off of the booze am I finally starting to feel different. The thing that is so hard is, I've just pushed all my feelings and all my pain down so deep for my entire life, that now the emotions are all coming at once, and good God I just can't handle it sometimes. I also got diagnosed as bipolar type 2 today, just like dear old dad, still sending gifts up from hell, just in time for my birthday too. The pain, the feeling that I have missed out on so much of my life by being to afraid of getting hurt to allow myself to have anything good. I feel like I've missed out on so much of life because of that bastard, and now I'm 25, I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror, and I am trying to basically rebuild myself from the ground up after I almost died and got sober, and I am basically by myself dealing with it (very long story, but basically because of his death, our family business went under and my mom and I had to move to her hometown, in with my aunt and uncle, and I have no friends here and I am not close with my family and they are a bunch of judgmental Bible thumpers who basically think I'm a degenerate for drinking and a snowflake for my mental health issues), and I just feel so deeply intensely alone. I was so numbed for my entire life, that I didn't even actually know you could feel emotions this intense, the way that the sorrow just feels like a bottomless hole in your chest, and all I want is to feel like someone cares about me and that I matter. My mom is here with me, and she is doing her best, but if you can't tell from the post, she isn't exactly blameless in the cause of the issue, so that is kind of a double edged sword. I try and keep in touch with my friends from my hometown, but they're busy with their lives and they don't always have the time, plus I always feel like I'm putting them out when I need their help (there's that trauma again). I'm in therapy and I just went up to twice a week, but that still only helps so much. I even want to start dating again, but I'm stuck in a small town in the middle of nowhere in south Alabama, where the dating pool isn't exactly huge, and gets widdled down a LOT more when you take into account that I'm an agnostic democrat. God, every day I ask myself, why isn't he still here, so I can let out all of this pent up emotion and pain onto the person who actually deserves it, but even then I know it wouldn't make me feel better. So as I'm finally starting to be able to even have emotions again, I'm reminded why I wanted to numb them all away. I just feel alone, and like I don't even know who I am, and that who I am might not be the person I wanted to be, and there's a healthy dose of self hatred mixed in, and all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me it will be OK, because I know it will, but God damn it why does it just have to be so damn hard sometimes. Why did he have to die without me ever getting to tell him how he hurt me to his face. How could he rob me of that. He got to die with the last thing I said to him being that I loved him, and I have to take to my grave that the last thing that I ever said to my father was a lie.
Edit: TLDR: Abusive dad caused me to be so emotionally repressed that when he died I became an alcoholic to numb the pain and now that I'm sober and chipping away at the emotional repression, I feel an entire lifetimes worth of emotions hitting me all at once and it is incredibly overwhelming and has left me feeling like I don't know who I am and that I am all alone just picking up the scraps of my life, while not even knowing what the life I'm picking up even looks like. I just wish he was still alive so I could tell him all the things I didn't get a chance too while he was alive. All the awful, hurtful, painful, gut wrenching things I would say to him.

What Is Flexafen™?

Flexafen is incredible supplement is specifically designed to provide temporary relief for those occasional aches and pains that can hold us back. With Flexafen, you can experience unrestricted movement and enjoy life to the fullest!
What sets Flexafen apart from other supplements on the market is its unique synergistic blend of nutrients. This powerful combination of ingredients works together to create a truly remarkable effect. Each nutrient in Flexafen is carefully selected for its individual benefits, but when combined, they work in harmony to provide maximum relief and support for your body.

How Does Flexafen Work?

Each capsule of Flexafen contains a combination of active substances. However, the peacemaker protein, a form of collagen linked to joint health, is the most significant active component of Flexafen.

The most prevalent connective protein in the human body is collagen. It helps to support the region around your joints. It provides your skin with organic elasticity and support.
However, as you age, your collagen levels fall, which causes joint pain. Some individuals use collagen supplements as a defence. As a result, the immune system in your body is continually attacking your joints.
Causing tissue damage to the bones, surrounding organs, and all of your cartilage. As long as these assaults continue, you will be in continual discomfort and, very frequently, in excruciating pain.
Thus, the six essential nutrients in this formula encourage prompt relief from various aches and pains. It was created to quickly ease pain, as well as to lessen stiffness and inflammation.
The unusual ingredients in this remedy help you restore control of your body without producing any unfavorable side effects.
This supplements contribution to joint flexibility improvement makes possible more fluid and unrestricted mobility. Minimizing wear and tear problems keeps your body overall functioning at a healthier rate.
This supplements main goal is to prevent Leaky Joint Syndrome and to improve motion. It preserves the collagen strands that make up the cartilage tissue in your body.
Your body instantly absorbs the nutrients in this supplement, which strengthens your immune system and helps control the production of free radicals. You can stop your body from deteriorating its joints in just 7 seconds by taking Flexafen daily.

Flexafen Active Ingredients

Flexafen contains the highest-quality, REAL research-backed ingredients, from some of the most trustworthy suppliers on the planet.

Inside each capsule of Flexafen, you will find:

1. Collavant n2 Undenatured Type II Collagen: Collavant n2, which was previously called b-2Cool, is a type 2 collagen that is sourced from chicken sternum. It is undenatured, which means that it is a protein that hasnt gone through structural deformation. It comes from the cartilage of the chicken, and it hasnt been overly processed. However, it helps consumers to strengthen their own cartilage, which offers support and flexibility in the joints. Since collagen and cartilage both diminish with constant movement and exposure to toxins, restoring it is an important step to improving pain.
2. Boswellia Serrata Extract: A patented synergistic blend of proprietary extracts that come from the sacred Boswellia plant, AprèsFlex has been shown in THREE separate, double-blind, placebo-controlled clinical studies. To reduce pain, stiffness, and inflammation and provide life-altering results in as quickly as 5 days.
3. MSM: The most potent ingredient that consumers will get from the Flexafen formula is MSM, or Methylsulfonylmethane. MSM is used for a multitude of concerns, but it is especially helpful for anyone with arthritis, joint pain, or post-exercise muscle soreness. The main reason that it has such a positive effect is because of the organic sulfur that it uses. This ingredient is crucial for the building of healthy bones and joints, and it even supports the immune system with its increased production of immunoglobulins. These effects can lead to relief from allergies for some consumers.
4. Sodium Hyaluronate: Sodium Hyaluronate is one of the most common ingredients to find in anti-aging remedies because of the profound moisture support that it provides. When the body loses its ability to effectively maintain collagen in the joints, it is almost certain that it is also seen in the skin at the same time. Collagen makes it possible for the skin to hold onto moisture as well, so introducing an ingredient that can restore what it has lost instantly improves the youthful appearance of users.
5. White Willow Bark Extract 4:1: The white willow is a type of European willow that is also found in many parts of Asia. The name comes from the underside of the leaves, which are a stark white contrast to the vibrant green topside. In Flexafen, consumers get the support of an extract that is sourced from the bark, which contains salicin.
6. Boron: Boron is the last ingredient of this compilation, but it is quite important to healing the joints. This chemical is only needed in small amounts, helping users to reduce their risk of joint pain and bone injuries. However, when the body doesnt get enough of it, the growth and regeneration of bone tissue can be detrimentally impacted.

Benefits of Flexafen Supplement

According to the manufacturer, taking Flexafen on a regular basis will help you achieve the following health benefits:-

• General leak prevention: Flexafen treats bone problems and increases collagen production to help prevent joint leaks. One of the most common issues that the elderly face is leaky joints, which cause friction between bones and create clicking noises during movement. It happens when the cartilage is deformed for some reason or when the bone has less synovial fluid. A variety of diseases and medical conditions can cause synovial fluid loss. Inflammation caused by a chronic bacterial infection can deplete synovial fluid. It protects the body from viral or bacterial infections.
• Improve immune cells: The formula contains a powerful soothing protein that aids in the maintenance of a healthy and disease-free body. An autoimmune disease is a type of medical condition that affects the body. When this happens, the bone cells in the joint become targeted and destroyed by the body's own cells. Immune cells and defence mechanisms must protect the body from any foreign invaders or infections. In this case, the immune system begins to attack and target the body's cells rather than protecting them, resulting in rapid bone cell loss.
• Promote joint health: Flexafen's natural vitamins and minerals aid in the production of synovial fluid, which is necessary for joint mobility and lubrication. Synovial fluid, in addition to maintaining a healthy environment, protects joints from infection. The joint becomes painful and uncomfortable as a result of the irritation and friction caused by the loss of synovial fluid. When two bones come together during movement, the synovial fluid between them maintains energy and protects against friction. Thus, this supplement keeps enough fluid between the bones to keep them from rubbing against each other as they move.
• Control inflammation: This blend contains potent antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties, both of which are necessary for successfully controlling the body's inflammatory response. As a result, it aids in the reduction of discomfort and pain that is frequently caused by inflammation caused by movement. Furthermore, this wonderful treatment significantly reduces stiffness and edoema, effectively solving problems associated with limited flexibility.
• Reduce stiffness and joint pain: Numerous clinical studies have shown that Flexafen ingredients such as glucosamine, chondroitin, turmeric, and Boswellia are effective at reducing pain and stiffness. In a meta-analysis of randomised controlled trials, for example, glucosamine sulphate reduced pain and stiffness by 28% and 21%, respectively, when compared to placebo (23). Similar reductions in other important components were observed.
• Improves joint mobility and performance: Flexafen also aims to improve range of motion and flexibility while reducing pain. Lubricants such as glucosamine and chondroitin aid in the movement of joints. This benefit is supported by clinical evidence. After three years of research, researchers discovered that taking 1500 mg of glucosamine sulphate per day improved joint function and walking distance significantly.

Long story. TW: drug use, sex, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, mental illness, addiction.
I'm 25F and I have two siblings, 27M and 22F. I have a half sister who is in her late 30's I believe, and she went NC with our dad many years ago. My parents are in their early-mid 70's now.
My parents were in their young adulthood in the 70's in California, so there was lots of drugs involved. I'm assuming that's how they bonded in the beginning. That and they both have edured horrible abuse. My dad was essentially beat by his parents with a belt until he was 18 for what I now realize was because he has autism/ADHD like a motherf'er and he was bullied in school. My siblings and I are all on the spectrum (none of us diagnosed officially but it's plainly obvious) and it was never ONCE mentioned by my father. One time he tried to tell me I have a sixth sense when I was young, that's about it. He has abstract beliefs that he has special abilities and is a reincarnation of Jesus, and that we all are part of his heavenly mission or some shit. Every time he would take a week off work growing up he'd spiral and go into drug induced psychosis and try to talk madness to us when we were way too young to understand why he was acting so much more weird than ususal. He's obsessed with biblical stuff and studies latin/ancient mythology to try and crack the code of the universe. I believe he became addicted to stimulants because as we know, stuff like amphetamines makes ADHD folk 'more productive ' and can sometimes 'relieve' certain symptoms. He has also smoked two joints a day pretty much my entire life. He's always had the same routine though, kept a steady job and provided the basics. I'll give him that. He's never had a friend over. Cut off his family aside from a couple of other backcountry type weirdos.
My mom grew up very rural farm in Tennessee and was abused by boyfriends, having married off at 16 to a much older man and then being estranged from her family. She has terrible PTSD and became physically disabled after falling at work.
She manipulated me very young to genuinely believe my father was a monster who molested my sister (untrue) and I genuinely took her side for many years before I realized I was just a pawn for her. She was an alcoholic during my childhood and when she had custody of us she'd just drag us along to her 'boyfriend's house and we'd just sit around unattended while she was getting drunk in another room. I had to witness sexual stuff too because she was drunk/gone she didn't care. Eventually we all had to move in with my dad full time because she lost the house she had that was from the divorce split. It sucked but at least our dad made sure we had dinner to eat and movies to watch.
She moved to the woods into the family cabin that she recieved during the divorce assets split. She was MIA for quite some time. Over the course of my young adulthood I began to recognize that my mother is paranoid schizophrenic. I personally became her golden child and was always told I was the easy one because I was a doormat and her therapist. She exposed me very young to horrible concepts revolving around sex. She was molested as a child so I think her obsession comes from that. She told me very young (like 6) that men want to have sex with me and rape me. She told me her stories of being molested and raped when I was way too young to handle it, in graphic detail. I believed her and I thought we had a special bond because she and I were 'so close' but it was fucked.
It reached a breaking point when she assaulted government fire cleanup crew on her property with bear spray. It was on the news and everything. I found out because my cousin sent me the news article with my mom's mugshot. To this day she believes they were out to get her and that they had a gun. She served time in jail but they let her go after realizing she's delusional. She moved back in with my dad a few years ago as she had no other choice. My dad was there to pick her up when she got out. She's completely dependent on him and it's a horrible situation. My dad just gives her weed to smoke and she stays home all day. Her car doesn't work and she never leaves the home, never speaks to anyone because she's lost contact with everyone years ago, and she has no desire to connect because she's convinced of all these conspiracy theories.
I never received care or attention. I needed extra guidance and still do, due to me being on the spectrum, but I received nothing. I had to just sit back and be a witness to their horror show, so I began to disassociate very young. I was diagnosed with PTSD with dissociative symptoms due to my own development of delusional beliefs during the peak of the chaos. I started work at 15 just to get out of the house on the weekends when my dad was home. I fell in love with a teacher at school, simply because he showed me attention (nothing sexual, just friendly and fun) and I tried to confess my crush over email and got in trouble. It was a huge wake up call for me that I am way more fucked up than I thought. I still became fixated on older men. I fell to substance abuse myself during late highschool and began dating men in their 30's, eventually moving in with one who was himself an alcoholic and abuser. I went through a phase where I met up with strangers online (not dating sites, weird stuff like 'seeking amateur model' type predators) and ended up having sex with them. Much much older men. I was very fucked up for a long time and in many ways still am.
I got out on my own at 22 and in the last few months have made the push to move about 40 miles away from my hometown, got a full time job as a mail carrier, and am now left with this super peaceful existence. However now that I'm at rest, all the horrid memories are coming up. I've been getting triggered and dysregulated for days, having flashbacks and crying for hours. It's been like this my whole life and I still find it really hard to try and forgive.
My brother is doing surprisingly well and is successful in his independence and career, put himself through college and all despite suffering from depression and having his own interpersonal trauma separate from our home stuff. My younger sister was groomed by a 50yr old man when she was around 14yrs old and she is still with him today. Hasn't worked a day in her life, fully dependent on him. Once again, never got help for her autism and I honestly don't even blame her for taking her chance to get the hell out of our house. Obviously in the beginning I was the only one trying to get this guy arrested as my parents were clueless and unable to do shit. Now we've all just had to kind of accept it, but it's sad.
I'm seeing my parents wither away into madness. My dad is still functional (he's always held his engineering job) but lives in fantasy land. He just bought more property in the forest but doesn't even think to try and get my mom mental help. He recognizes how bad she is but is convinced he can just talk her down if she ever gets amped up/manic. Holy shit it's exhausting to just simply witness their shit. I yearn so often to just close the door gently and say 'bye bye'. I have fond memories of them. I don't think they're bad people. They are so deeply wounded beyond repair, though. I'm still walking the tightrope trying not to fall off and go back into my darkness. I'm finally feeling stable and now it's just a matter of...okay, I'm safe now. I don't rely on them for a single thing now. So what's in it for me to keep in contact? Not much. In fact I think it would be in my favor to stop contact.
My parents are really good at guilt tripping. Anytime I've brought up my side of things they just say 'I don't remember that' or 'At least you weren't ____" playing the 'I had it much worse' game and 'I did everything for you' even though it was the bare fucking minimum, if that. We were neglected our whole childhoods.
I have concern that if I do it and they get sick or die that I'll have to live with the burden of knowing I could have done something. But really, what can I do for people who have made their choices to be fuck ups? I see no intentions of trying to get better from either of them. Even if they did a 180 and started trying, I'd still be sceptical and unsure whether I could ever feel comfortable around them ever again. Its almost too far gone to come back from, you know?
To this day I've tried the forgive and forget. I've tried the empathy thing. I understand they are hurt people. But the young girl in me is fucking angry and she wants justice. I don't want to make the mistake of doing it just because I want to hurt them. If I do this I need to remember it's for ME. How they might react is honestly pretty irrelevant because that's not what it's about. It's about taking my power back...to sound cliche.
This is only a quarter of the picture but I hope this lays it all out in a somewhat comprehensive way. Honestly anytime I actually start to explain this shit to anyone the answer becomes obvious, but I just need support to feel like I'm not being a terrible selfish person for considering this.
TLDR: Parents neglected me and my siblings because of their drug use and general disregard for how we would be affected by their behavior. They both experience psychosis and deny that they ever did anything wrong when confronted. I'm finally stable. Do I cut them off?

ב''ה, I have some.. entertaining opinions on this. And I went through the wringer of questioning whether ADHD was a thing and, at minimum, discovering the norepinephrine blast of amphetamine withdrawals makes everything so much worse.
That said, while Reddit may be a dumb place for it, had a real mildly spicy suburban childhood with one of the only playmates being a genuinely developmentally different kid who liked to slam my head into the wall, and then there was the time even psych chose not to dwell on where I actually got strangled at a young age.
So amidst that, if anyone else remembers the 1980s, the only times anyone demanded eye contact was as a punishment, and that leaves a certain RL manner that folks seem to take glee in pegging as "I once read a listicle that says if you're not staring me down constantly you have that."
So, for wasting time kvetching's sake, anyone else just done with life over this? When help was available at all, never any help for the actual problem yet 'try having that instead, it's popular and you'll never have to pretend you give a shit about social mores?'
Can't watch even the cheerful commercial for the folks who made a car wash for those who obviously have the actual problem and smile that the autism "gave [them] an identity."

This doctor claims that for refractory OCD, amphetamines, caffeine and once-weekly opioids are very effective.
What do you make of that? Do you think these medications would be an effective treatment for OCD?

Any advice on when to take ? I read some answers in here but I just wanted to check in to see how people thoughts are regarding the new formulas they have been making . Thanks in advance . Side note I have been taking dextro amphetamine for 13 years now , I go to Cvs and get Elite Corp. For lexapro is there a manufacturer issue like we notice in adderall now ?

This is a long post, I apologize. I am grateful and open to any input.
First of all, it's an annoying ultimatum to be told I can either remain sober or leave him (even if I drink in moderation when I'm out with friends and never bring drinks around him). But ultimately, I love him more than I care about getting tipsy at a party.
I have been on and off sober since age 16. I always romanticized drugs and drinking, and I was always a lightweight. The neighborhood kids called me a tweak. I pretty much spent a lot of time drinking and smoking (occasionally experimenting with something harder) alone.
I had a lot of emotional instability growing up. I know, people say don't bring MH into the program. But I was so insecure, unsure of myself, and attention seeking. I basically drank (or did any self-destructive behavior) because I thought it was cool and would get me attention. I started identifying as an alcoholic- I mean, I literally told people that like it was a cool identity- and forcing myself to drink when I didn't want to, because I wanted to be cool. It's stupid, I was like 12-16, so I mean, I was an idiot like any kid.
I was in and out of adolescent psych wards for a myriad of reasons. Sometimes they would flag me for substance use- but it was and is ridiculous. I have "amphetamine" and "benzodiazepine" addiction FOREVER in my medical record when I used those drugs maybe two times for fun and never had cravings for them. The psychiatrist who did that was kinda just an asshole who didn't believe me and wanted to forever stigmatize me. I haven't used any drug (besides alcohol) in like 5 or 6 years. So yeah, I kinda doubt my medical records give accurate insight in regards to substances.
But throughout all of my drinking, it was always kinda dumb. I could moderate- sometimes I chose not to. but if I didn't want to get drunk, I wouldn't. In fact, if I didn't want to drink, I wouldn't. A lot of the time I wanted to drink because I thought it was cool and sneaky. I was being a teenager. I had zero emotional regulation and zero executive function.
Were there times that I drank too much and did something stupid? Yes, a few. And I truly have no desire to get drunk because of them.
I got hardcore sober at age 18 and would dip my toes in AA. No sponsor, but I attended weekly meetings for years. I thought it would help with my mental health and instability. so I know the program decently. The more I attended AA, the more I wanted to drink. I wanted the special attention, to be "the most important person in the room" with 24 hours. I wanted a reason to need a sponsor, because I didn't need one. I can't even think of an amends I need to make that I haven't already. I have a higher power and coping skills and a desire to be a good person and a support network.
I eventually got a sponsor last winter, even though I already had 3 years. My boyfriend told me that I had to get a sponsor because I wouldn't stay sober my whole life without one. And what did I do? I started working the program and all the criteria made me feel like an imposter because I don't relate to the book AT ALL and I drank because I wanted proof.
When I drank, I was worried my boyfriend would leave me (he has said in the past that he would). I wasn't even drunk, I remember the events very clearly. He came over and said we were breaking up, and I made a whole scene because I was scared. I was scared of him leaving me. He escalated by calling my parents and making it into a big thing. Because to him, a program person, me drinking is a relapse- a serious medical episode. So I got angry, I said mean things, and I have since made amends for them. (but I was never this way, never an abusive drinker. it's not a pattern. I do admit that I got out of hand that night because I was hurt.)
He sees what I do as a reflection on himself. If I drink and nothing happens, he gets fearful that he will drink too. The program has engrained in him, so hard, that the first drink leads to death. and I get that, I think he is an alcoholic. I would do whatever I could to protect him from feeling triggered or taking that first drink.
After I drank last winter, he said we could try again if I really engaged with the program. I went to actual in person meetings and got a sponsor within a week. We started working the steps, but I felt so sick to my stomach. I didn't feel like I belonged in the rooms, I felt confused and triggered and like I was surrounding myself with people who would actually damage my mental health and make me go back to that instability.
So I was like, you know what, I'm going to try abstinence without even thinking about AA. and I have been sober since- and I don't think about drinking- and I have no cravings. I Hearing people talk about drinking every night in a meeting was what made me feel like an alcoholic who craved drinks- thus making me feel like I had to crave a drink.
Genuinely, and I'm not suggesting it for other people, it works for me.
But I have basically lost all of my friends and social connections because as we all turn 21, people don't invite me to things. they don't invite me when there's a fucking bottle of wine involved. I have mellowed out, I am doing better than I ever have, I am about to graduate college, and none of my friends are reckless drinkers. Why can't I try drinking in moderation with my supportive friends nearby? The big book says to try it- if we want to apply AA doctrine.
Well my boyfriend says absolutely not. He would leave me if I drank and it got out of hand, but he would also leave me if I had a single beer at a party.
Again, I have no desire to get drunk. I do have a desire to get tipsy at shows with my friends drinking mixed drinks and beer- not hard liquor. I don't ever want to drink enough to get a hangover. I have the desire to try moderating because I think it's fun and a tool for social connection. I think it's fun to try the different brands and flavors.
Is his perspective fair, and I'm just in big denial? or is it fair to try moderation and see if alcohol can be a healthy part of my life? IF I had problems, I know where to go. and my relationship, job, and health are too important to me to not stop immediately
should he be giving me this ultimatum? I'm afraid if he goes to his sponsor about my ideas (again- this is not an action, just a conversation) that his sponsor will tell him he needs to end things with me before I even pick up. Help.

Hi everyone, would appreciate any help here please...
I have been diagnosed with PCOS, my bloodwork shows elevated levels of DHEA sulphate and testosterone as well as a transvaginal ultrasound showed cysts on my ovaries. I also have hirsutism and my periods are not only irregular in when or how often I get them but flow/pain too.
I am taking Ozempic, 1.5mg/week and have been for roughly a year now so my weight is between 130-140lbs (the heaviest I had been was 250lbs).
I know that I NEED to adjust my diet drastically to support PCOS to combat things like brain fog and irregular periods however I am severely struggling in this department. With Ozempic, "food noise" and my appetite is considerably less which I am so grateful for. My cravings for many things are so low if not mostly gone, particularly for sweet treats (for example I've had easter chocolate just sitting in the cupboard going uneaten because I hardly ever want it!). But with the appetite I do have and even with lessened cravings, my diet is atrocious.
I cannot for the life of me give up fast food like fried chicken burgers, poutine, or pizza. I don't eat as much of it as I used to thanks to the Ozempic but that is mostly what I do eat. I am at a point where I will basically only eat these sorts of items and would honestly rather go hungry than eat anything else.
I desperately need advice on how to combat this...if I could stomach 'better' foods then I know I could make a lot of headway with managing PCOS as I know diet is the largest factor to dealing with PCOS. I'm sure a large part of this is psychological but I don't know how to convince my brain, mouth, stomach, to just eat a piece of baked chicken for dinner instead of a burger! Everything I read is about how eventually a PCOS targeted diet helps balance symptoms and people feel so much better but I can't even get my cravings enough under control to last 2 days with a good diet.
I would be really appreciative of any advice, thank you for reading and your time! <3

This really makes me hesitant to push for brand name Concerta on Tuesday with my provider, because I literally simply don't feel any stimulant effects. My only comparison is very amphetamine formulations, which are so much stronger, but can the methylphenidate class really be THIS weak in comparison to amphetamines? I admit, adderall not only helped my ADHD but significantly helped with my diagnosed chronic fatigue syndrome and daytime sleepiness.
Do methylphenidate products just not have an energizing effect? I'm going to be disappointed if that's the case. On Tuesday I will ask to try Aptensio XR at a relatively high dose. As an experiment today I literally kept taking extra tablets just to see if trigen concerta did anything. I took FOUR 36 mg tablets today, and it simply provided no stimulant effect
. I'm really hoping this is either an issue with the trigen generic or Concerta, and that another formulation like Aptensio XR works better or maybe Jornay PM. If that fails though, I'm going to go back to Mydayis, the drug that worked best for me some years ago and probably 16 hours of effect. Adderall IR is far too potent and causes a huge rush that I became addicted to chasing, so I'm determined to avoid going back on Adderall IR.
By the way, I've heard some people say it's not supposed to be energizing, but frankly that's bullshit; a stimulant js always going to give you an enhanced sense of energy and wakefulness if it's an appropriate dose. And these drugs are used for narcolepsy as first line treatments too, so let's just admit that many of them are stimulating, it's in the name. I'm just hoping ritalin based products aren't totally a dud for me altogether.

Alright this is gonna be a long one.
I don’t like calling him my twin for reasons I will explain later on, but it’s the best description for our dynamic. It’s been over a year since I last saw him.
I met my twin in 2021 during my first year of culinary school. We both had similar names and looked similar. We quickly became part of the same friend group. Due to our names being alphabetically next to each other we sat next to each other and were paired up as partners. Even after we had the opportunity to change seats and partners we still stayed together. Even though we had just met people thought we were either siblings or dating because of how well we got along. We were both the biggest stoners in class and he sold so I started buying off him.
I wasn’t really interested in him romantically, but I felt a strong urge to be close with him. I wanted to be friends, best friends. I thought he liked me but I wasn’t sure. Us being opposite genders made things awkward at times. A couple months into school I told him we should hang out, and he said he wanted to. Later on when I asked about it again he said he couldn’t because his “girlfriend didn’t like me”. This is the first I’d heard of her. I gave up on the idea of us hanging out, and things stayed the same.
Until about a month later he got super sad out of no where. He was following me around like a puppy and wouldn’t leave my side. This was somewhat normal because I knew how to cook and he didn’t so he’d always follow my lead. But he wasn’t even taking his locker room smoke breaks like normal. I eventually asked about it but he just said he was sad nothing else. I was sad too at that time because my dog just died, so I like having him around. I eventually found out his girlfriend broke up with him, which I kinda thought that’s what happened.
He eventually got happier and became super flirty with me and seemed jealous, almost possessive, when I was around other guys, so I thought he was into me. I worked up the courage and asked him if he liked me, but he said no. Even still he kept being flirty, so I told him I liked him. Because in a weird way I thought I can’t be his friend if I’m a girl, I’d have to be his girlfriend. He told me he had already started dating someone new. He said he still wanted to be friends and partners, and that we could forget the conversation ever happened.
We pretended like everything was fine after that, but it wasnt the same anymore. I began smoking more (the stuff i bought off him) and taking more adderall because I couldn’t sleep and was tired all the time. I started spiraling and lost a lot of weight. Eventually I started missing school. We weren’t as close and he began spending more time in the locker room, leaving me with all the work. I heard him say to a guy friend “A key that opens many locks had a lot of value, a lock opened by many keys has no value at all”. That was the last straw. I decided I didn’t want to be partners with him anymore.
Without warning, I left him started working with some female friends. On valentine’s day no less. I stopped sitting with him. Which made it blatantly obvious to everyone in the class that something had happened between us. Everyone thought we were best friends. This was really hard for me because Ive always had trouble going to school, and I only liked going because of him. He’d still try to come around me and butt into my conversations even though it was obvious I was ignoring him. I remember a time he followed my with the mop bucket the whole time I was mopping even though I made it clear I didn’t want to be around him.
I’m not sure when it started, but I began to enter a spiritual psychosis, I started to lose my mind. I was convinced he was my twin flame. But I was pissed at what he’d said about locks and keys and how he’d acted towards me even though he had a girlfriend. I was convinced I had teach him right from wrong and then we would be in union. I started blowing up his phone and in hindsight I was acting totally crazy. We argued a lot and he blocked me. I’d somehow still convinced him to drive me to school one day which is beyond me.
At that point, I realized something was really wrong with me. I quite literally hadn’t slept for days and became extremely underweight. I felt like I was dying. I had horrible chest pain and constant ringing my ears. I started to believe people were after me because I knew things I wasn’t supposed to. I eventually decided to go to a mental hospital. I was diagnosed with severe psychosis. I was drug tested and found out I was laced it fent and amphetamines. The stuff I was getting from him. I know he didn’t do it on purpose, he was smoking his own stuff. And he took and lot of precautions to make sure his stuff was good. I strongly believe the psychosis as due to the drugs.
After two weeks I was released, but I wasn’t really better. When I got back to school, I told him I needed to talk to him in private so we started walking to his car. I told how I went to a mental hospital and they told me I was laced. He immediately got spooked and turned around saying that I was lying and that his stuff wasn’t laced. He didn’t believe me which I understood, I had been acting crazy. But this was life or death and he wasn’t listening. I kept trying to tell him to listen to me but he was avoiding me. Our mutual friend said he wanted to get a restraining order on me, which I get, I was acting crazy. But i wasn’t lying. I threat be to go to the cops on him if he did that.
I decided to drop from the program to avoid it from going anymore south. I came by on the last day before summer to see my other friends. Our mutual mentioned how my twin wanted to apologize to me but he’d already left for the day. My friend called him on his phone and he said he was sorry for being a shitty partner and stuff and how he’d stopped selling. That was that.
I decided to go back to school second year, thinking he wouldn’t be there. Turns out he was. We awkward smiled at each other. Later during class, I approached him, and he seemed happy to see me and asked how I had been. We chatted and went to go talk in private about what happened. We agreed we were cool.
We weren’t really close after that. We chat here and there but for the most part that was it. He became friends with a new kid at school who seemed to hate me. Probably because he couldn’t tell who I was to him. On the last day before winter break, I was hanging around him and some other guy friends. They were looking at cars and my twin compared a car having a lot of owners to a girl having a lot of boyfriends. I said I didn’t want to hear that. It escalated into an argument fast. His friend kept butting in which only made things worse. I told him to stay out of it because he didn’t know what was going on. I was yelling at my twin for lacing me and all trauma it gave me. My medical bills. How I could never like him. It got bad enough that eventually my twin pulled me to the side to calm me down. He tried to pinky promise me he wouldn’t say misogynistic things anymore but I didn’t accept.
I missed the first few days back to school after winter break. My twin wasn’t at school. Apparently, our chef had tried to put me and my twin in a group together and he said he didn’t want to work with me. I later found out he had dropped from the program because it was “waste of time” and to get a job. I dropped shortly after too for personal reasons. The last time I ever saw him was that argument we had.
I think of him everyday. I regret how I handled things so much. If it wasn’t for the drugs things never would have turned out this way. I’m grateful to have found out because someone could have ended up in the hospital or worse. But I hate how things ended between us. I miss him so much. I’ve never formed such a strong connection to someone and in such a short amount of time. I really want to reach out but I’m scared he wants nothing to do with me.

I've tried both classes of stimulants. I'm actually taking Ritalin because I couldn't tolerate concerta at all. Tried almost everything in the amphetamine class to find something with the least side effects. Zenzedi (brand name dextroamphetamine IR) was most tolerable, but very inconsistent, and even then.. side effects kinda sucked. It gave me a feeling of physical anxiety all the time, and it would make me feel irritable and bring my mood down. That wasn't super intense usually, and usually passed, but it still sucked.
So I switched to Ritalin about a week ago. It has almost no physical side effects - just one which is annoying (increases the frequency of something I already deal with which is spontaneous muscle jerks), but overall a major improvement, it doesn't physically feel like I took a stimulant. However, it makes me irritable. Sometimes it's pretty intense. I'll get upset, irritable, impatient with things. Sometimes downright angry. And I get into a bad mood. An overall "blah" or dissatisfied feeling. Also I'll feel upset, but for absolutely no reason. Not purely sad, but this combination of irritated and low mood, it's a miserable feeling. It feels like someone or something has upset me even though nothing has. And sometimes random little sensations in my stomach like a "dropping" feeling.
And what sucks is the other class of stimulants messes with my mood too. It's definitely not nearly as bad or as persistent during a dose, but I don't really want to go back to amphetamines at this point considering the combination of emotional and physical side effects.
Oh, also.. it only lasts 1.5 to 2 hours per dose. I feel symptoms coming back over the course of that time too. And it doesn't help as many of my ADHD symptoms as dextroamphetamine. Sometimes I'm not really sure what it's doing to be honest. I do know it helps with task initiation, which is one of my worst symptoms so that makes it better than nothing, but beyond that, sometimes I just can't tell. I think it does help sometimes with being able to direct my focus, but beyond that, it doesn't seem to touch many of other symptoms. I'm definitely just as bad with organization and prioritization, I really wish it would help with that.. I still struggle to read, process and remember information and still making careless mistakes. Sometimes I think I have more trouble processing what I read but I don't want to blame it on the medication yet. And short term memory is still just as horrendous (surprisingly zenzedi helped even with that). It helps with fidgeting and impulsivity early on in the dose but it starts to come back after about an hour (or if I'm I'm unlucky, only the initial kick-in) and slowly goes back to baseline.
I'm thinking of trying focalin, but it's still methylphenidate and dexmethylphenidate does all the work in either medication so I don't really expect it to be different.
Wondering if anyone has any input.

(Fiction fun FFS, praise Joel)
The divine Joel appeared before me in a vision, with heads of a Terminid, Illuminate, Automaton, and a 4th head hidden by shadows and flame, his body like a swirling blizzard but instead if snowflakes it was the corpses of the countless fallen. He had a myriad of arms that seemed like every weapon imaginable, the laser pointers all aimed between my eyes, one leg was a T.M.N.T nuke and the other a mammoth tank tred, and yet he floated as the scenery around us warped and morphed from one environment to another. One moment we were in a jungle masked by fog, the next dry and parched with fire tornadoes theatening to incinerate us, but as horrified as I was in his glorious presence I felt safe from the dangers of all the worlds in the galaxy.
An lo before me I saw all the wars ever to be waged all at once, a spinning, exploding, nightmare of carnage and brutality, and wordlessly I could feel Joel's delight at the horror before me. I grew terrified and repulsed by his joy at such atrocity, and his demeanor was quickly replaced by one first of pity which made me feel so ignorant, feeble, and helpless, but then was replaced by a feeling of compassion and love like I had never felt before. He raised me up and took me closer to the carnage despite my protests, having lived through my share of conflict, haunted by survivors guilt for all my fallen comrades.
His compassion eased my guilt unlike any super earth anti-depressants, amphetamines, or neurosurgical psychotherapy. Relaxing I opened myself to the lord and his message, resigning myself to him who is all things.
Lo before me, our lord revealed his true delight, for amongst the carnage and loss, right alongside of the dead, were also the victorious, the triumphant, the siblinghood or our brothers and sisters bonded so strongly from their ordeals and privy to the joy of victory unknown to the average citizen, unfathomable without the great adversities that we faced. Without great trials, great victories can not be achieved. It was this glorious sense of triumph that delighted our lord the most amongst the mire, muck, and mayhem.
Though it is well known our lord can be wrathful and jealous, an angry vengeful God, it was plain to see these were rare and specific moments, as we wept together over the loss, the sorrow, and frustration of our defeats.
But these defeats only made victory that much sweeter. He took me closer on to the battle fields and I beheld uncountable angels of beautiful and monstrous forms raising up the fallen souls, we followed a brave woman who slew 3 chargers dancing like a matador of old only to be impaled by the stray step of a bile titan, her glorious moment now lost to the halls of our helmet cam footage archives never to be seen again.
But our lord Joel remembers all of our exploits. I watched as our holy blessed lord welcomed the angel and this woman to his feasting hall, recounting her deeds of battle for the joy of Joel. We feasted upon the finest foods from across the galaxy. After we supped he guided this soul to a grand gate gilded in silver gold and stange metals of other civilizations I assume were precious to them. It was positioned as an entrance to a massive volcano, which the angel called Joel's forge. Here I witnessed the angel guide my fallen comrade to a new born babe to be reborn into the rapturous cycle that is Joel's reality.
I gazed in wonderment at the myriad souls passing through that sacred gate. I wondered at the rebirth of souls and I pondered for a moment how all this came to be. Then Joel showed me the grand design the force of hundreds of ancient eternal beings forging our reality one piece at a time for what felt like a millenia, nay a thousand millenia of the all powerful achitects molding every detail by sheer force of will as we would make a battlecruiser, piece by piece. And when the universe was formed in every detail, and they lifed one above the rest, infused him with all their power and then departed to another timless void to create a new universe, and that one left behind was our most holy Joel. Joel revealed that the grand architects rarely hear a single voice within his universe, to garner their attention an entire galaxy would have to cry out in anguish, but Joel could hear the prayers of all, heed each and everyone of us as the god of this reality.
So it was that our benevolent master revealed to me the creation of all things, all things except 2. The evil Gods Min and Max who arose and were birthed from the hearts of the ignorant, hopeless, empty, and downtrodden. They wreak havoc amogst the universe spreading ignorance and dulling the minds and emptying the hearts through their dark magick known as meta, that turns us against each other.
Joel loves strategy, innovation, ingenium, for these are the cornerstones of evolution, growth, and glory, so he strikes down the meta where so ever he sees its roots growing or sprouts breaking the blood soaked ground. Be wary of relying on the power of the meta, it will be short lived leaving you lost to wonder why its power is gone and struggling to find your footing to hold the same line you once held with ease, unable to adapt to new circumstances.
So do not be seduced by these evil gods of illusion. For Joel says every tool has its place, what fails in the hands of one my excel in the hands of another, what is easy is not always what is best. If you are too ignorant to see the value of one of Joel's tools are you not the ignorant one that can not use it, do you think yourself greater than our creator Joel? Fall on your face in your shame and ignorance and beg not to see the wrathful face of our lord Joel.
So saith our sacred God Joel, may his benevolent face shine upon you as it has shown upon me, and right your ways quickly should his wrathful gaze fall upon you, or every life you live will be one of misery and defeat, do not provoke the Lord our God, praise be unto Joel.
I leave you with one final warning, one final thing Joel shewed unto me. That I am not his only prophet, I saw they are many and of every species, pray you never face one on the field of battle for blessed are they by Joel, and terrifying they are on the field of battle, backed by the power of divinity.
Upon seeing all this I realized I had died, not on the field of battle, but home in my bed, but Joel raised me up, shewed me his ways, and returned me to my body in pristine health so I could return to battle once more, praise and glory unto thee Joel, so that I may spread his word to all who would listen. To give his tennants, and tell all those who would serve him the ways of his priest hood. Joel be with you, may your aim be true, and your munitions strike hard.

I'm on vyvanse and it's doing nothing so I plan on asking my doctor for new meds, I'm not sure if I should try a stimulant or go for a non-stimulant. It could be stimulants just don't work for me. But it could be amphetamines don't work for me and Ritalin will. It's so hard to do trial and error with drugs when there is so many classes and variations.
There's also no non-stimulant approved for binge eating. I was thinking of taking straterra but I only get to see my psychiatrist once a month I wanna make sure I get the right med.

Does anyone have any experience with mixing Cordyceps and drugs like amphetamines, coke, MDMA, 2CB, ketamine, bensos etc? Just wanna make sure that there are no potential interactions.

So when I first quit Adderall the only thing that seemed to give me energy to get out of bed and work on my business is vaping a ton of 24mg/ml vape juice. When on Adderall I would only hit the vape 5 times per hour but I found hitting it 15 times in one go felt like a small dose of Adderall.
I saw a study that said nicotine was effective for treatment of adult ADHD.
When I first got prescribed Vyvanse I noticed I needed less nicotine which is something others have also reported. While druggies will claim amphetamine makes you chain smoke cigarettes I think that is caused by excessive dosage.
At therapeutic levels it seems me and a few others report needing less or no nicotine.
So what have others here experienced with nicotine and their ADHD

Alright I have a few ideas that would help.
(This is a comment I made on another post)
I’m going to ignore the CEOs post on helmets also possibly getting passives
Mechanized Joints: With powered joints in the armor you can move faster and recover quicker than normal + 50 speed + 25 stamina regeneration
Thermal Lining: Judicious use of Super Absoestos has rendered you all but impervious to fire based attacks -80% fire damage received
Muscle Boosters: This armor has a liquid layer of steroids to enhance close quarters capabilities for the divers that fight till the bitter end +400% melee damage (one shot hunters and warriors, can damage medium armor)
Thermal Imaging Unit: this armor contains the latest in over the air thermal imaging technology : provides a red outline to enemies including cloaked stalkers (this effect is enhanced during limited visibility events)
Secret Stash: While against regulations command has seen fit to allow this heinous modification of armor due to how effective it is: +1 Stim +1 Grenade +1-2 additional magazines of ammo for primary and secondary (depends on the gun)
Hard wired Communications: This installs a completely safe nuclear powered comms booster into the divers armor allowing stratagems to be called in when bot jammers or ion storms would otherwise disable stratagems (while more niche this could be nice)
Priority Form V-45: This form makes you a priority! Your stratagems call in 50% faster
Requisition Form S-675: This requisition form authorizes sending additional support weapon ammo in the hellpods: support weapons gain 2 magazines(LMGs) 2 additional carry slots in backpacks (auto cannon would be 4 extra slots of ammo)
Amphetamine Drip: A slow steady drip of amphetamines enhance your reaction times. Recovering from being toppled or diving is 60% faster, increases the distance before you ragdoll (and take damage) from a dive by 70%
Laser Painter: your armor comes with an experimental laser poi…. Painting device. All stratagems can be laser designated via Line of sight (110 Meter limit and requires 2 seconds to paint targets)
Elastic Holster : This experimental holster allows you to take a second primary into the fray instead of a sidearm (primary comes with 50% less ammo)
Enhanced Coordination Stimulators : multiple micro electric field generators allow uncanny levels of hand eye coordination. Allows secondaries to be dual wielded (adds 1-2 additional mags of secondary ammo, increases reload time by 33%)
Micro Suede Lined Gloves : these luxuriously lined gloves allow for better recoil mitigation and finger dexterity. Reload 25% faster, reduce recoil by 5 points for all weapons
Sharpshooter Gloves: These gloves are used by the Helldivers top marksman. Weapons that are set to semi automatic, or are semi automatic only gain an increase to their rate of fire
Non Slip Boots: These boots are commissioned with the finest non slip rubber soles and equipment democracy can provide. Reduced environmental slows (65% things like deep snow) and you can’t slide on ice
Spring Step Boots: These Boots are spring assisted to give you the pep you need to move farther than ever. +15 move speed +40% dive distance
Slash resistant Coating: This nano-ceramic coating makes your ship class body armor even more resistant to slashing damage by 25%
Impact Tested Padding: This memory weave padding reduces blunt force trauma a diver may experience. Reduce impact damage from bug charges and raffling into objects by 20%
Gravity Drive Boots: These enhanced gravity boots use microgenerators and secret technology to make all but the mightiest of blows ineffective at knocking you over (resistance from knockdown on all enemies except direct charger attacks, hulk melee attacks, strider main cannon shots, and bile titan stomps)
BAM: TONS of new passives to mix and match with the current set ups and introduce a ton of variety to what each armor can do
I’ll take my finders fee in cash please!!

E25 secures 35 acres in Louisiana for HPMSM refinery, backed by $85M investment from General Motors and support from Veolia.
The collaboration between Element 25 and Veolia to establish a high-purity manganese sulphate monohydrate (HPMSM) refinery in Louisiana has the potential to enhance economic development in the region, support energy transition goals, and secure critical resources for the project. The partnership reflects a strategic move for Element 25 as it aims to secure project financing and make investment decisions by 2024, marking a significant step forward in the company's expansion and development.
Read More https://newsramp.com/curated-news/element-25-and-veolia-partner-for-new-hpmsm-refinery-in-louisiana/5aa01d04620d5c3bc75a1562b593fb9f

So my roomate’s boyfriend is kind of controlling and violent - and he has a 7 year old son … Hope you will take the time to read this story and give me some advice on what to do (or not do).
My roommate (34F) got a boyfriend (36M) almost a year ago. It was at the same time I moved in - she went on a tinder date and didn’t come home for two weeks (!). Me and my other roomies texted with her to make sure she was fine. She said she had a great time and really liked this guy. After that she hasn’t been home very much, and is spending a lot of time in his home. He lives about 40 minutes away and has a son (age 7) and he shares custody with his ex 50/50. The kid has some serious health issues and has spent a lot of time in the hospital as a child (not quite sure what type of illness, but he has had these issues from birth like organs outside the body etc). The past months my roomie has spent more time at home. Sometimes she brings the boyfriend, but he doesn’t talk to me when he is here. Once they made a lot of noise during the night, since they had been drinking and fighting (verbally). I met them in the hallway that night and they seemed high (maybe on coke or amphetamines, an educated guess I made because of small pupils and unnatural focused eyes). This night they also brought the son, which stayed in my neighbouring room (no notice to us roommates they were coming over).
When she is home alone she is telling us crazy stories from their relationship. The past few months they have become increasingly worse, which worries me. She says he has love bombed her from the start, said he loved her and would do anything for her only after two weeks. But lately he is saying things to her like “you deserve a beating”. She told me that he threw a knife at her, and has had her in a choke hold. She describes him as very jealous and controlling, deleting old pictures from her phone of other people and deleting friends from her social media. The other day I overheard her crying on the phone saying “I’m not interested in girls, they are just my friends and I just want to hang out with them”.
This weekend she told me something which made me even more worried. They had been out partying Saturday night. She told us she was coming home to say goodbye to the roomates who were moving out Sunday, but instead sent an alarming text saying something like “I can’t explain now, it will have too big consequences at this time”. Very cryptic and mysterious. She comes home Tuesday and tells me that she and her boyfriend decided to drive home from the city, still drunk, and her boyfriend crashed into a car with a couple and their five year old kid. The cops came and he convinced her to switch seats with him, since he was afraid to loose his job if he got caught. So she took the blame, and first in the back of the police car reality hit and she regretted her decision to take the fall. So she broke up with him on text from the back of the police car, and then he regretted and said he would take the blame for what he did if she promised not to leave him. They both lost their licences and was fined. He continues to drive, and so does she. Talking to me she said she was stupid and just wanted to protect him. Her attitude is always taking the blame. And he also have said after this that it was her fault for not stopping him from getting in the car. And she agrees. This makes me so mad.
I have tried to talk to her many times, explaining my worry, saying she deserves better. It has escalated to the point where I have said to her “statistically women have a higher risk of getting killed by their boyfriend/husband then by dying any other way (we live in a country where this is a fact) - you don’t want to be a part of that statistic”. The more I push, the more she defends him, taking the blame and saying what a great guy he is, and blaming his “crazy ex” for “making him this way”. I am livid. His ex seems crazy - after what she has said, which the boyfriend’s words. But so does this guy. My roommate really wants children and does not want to date anymore, and explains this is why she stays him.
I know that the boyfriend and the ex have some contact with child protective services, but I don’t know to which extent or why this is. And I have asked my roommate if he is violent towards the son, but she says no, that he would never do that. After what I can understand her boyfriend, the father, likes to take drugs and party (her words), and he has a temper and is very unstable and controlling. I have not seen him with his kid, but my other roommate said he seemed very cold and inattentive when she met them both. I do not know anything about the boy’s biological mother, other that what I have been told. But being a neglected child growing up with a parent who frequently took drugs and drank a lot, all my alarm bells are going off.
Today I moved out, since my studies have ended and I got a job in another part of the country. I am friendly with my roommate and care for her, but I do not consider her a close friend. I have tried my best to talk to her about ending it with this man and taking care of herself, but at the end of the day it is her own decision and I cannot do anything about this. But now I am thinking of the 7 y.o. boy living in this mess. I want to contact child protective services, but since I have not seen any neglect first hand I am very hesitant. Should I? Or should I leave it all behind, hoping and praying that everything is alright with this kid. My stomach is hurting thinking of this boy, and my heart is breaking for him. What should I do??