Personal statements examples

Translate the Chinese characters directly make sence but flawed
For example, the scorpion boss in IGN review called poisonous king, not official EN name btw, but official CN name is 毒敌大王
If you translate it word by word 毒means Toxic/poison/, 敌means enemy/villain/, 大means big/great/, 王means king/lord/
Hard to get that point
Until i saw the tranlation "Lord Venatagon" from random person
Part of "venom" +part of "antagonist"
So game science, you can just create a fckin word on you own

It starts off in generally the way the books and movies start off, only the entire series is accurate to the books. When she's young, there's a lot of intensity, heightened colors and details, and an aura of magic. It has the same happy go lucky vibe of the first movie. But for a very long first part of the movie, there is a panicked obsession with her reflection in the mirror that's mildly terrifying. It shows the emptiness of being alone, and the mental state it causes in her.
Her meeting with Matthew is similar to the movies, and he's the subdued guy who transports her to her new life. In my version, he's very much a side character at first. Like in the movie, she knows he's a safe person, and he subdues terrifying situations for her. In her perspective, he's an emotional anchor point. But in the meta, he's walking a very tight rope to make sure she's safe.
Matthew's character is brushed to the side a bit briefly, any time Anne discovers a new experience: the party, the school, the best friend.
BUT, here's where things start to change very much from the movies: Matthew's perspective slowly shares center stage alongside Anne's, little by little, ever so subtly. Their relationship becomes a focal point.
When Matthew inevitably dies, you see Anne run towards him in the field, and then it quickly shifts to after his death. The focus is on how Anne's struggling for a long time, and everything else that's going on around her is dulled. Yet, the outside and the inside don't match: she carries on her mannerisms, but colors are muted and words are empty. That's when you realize that she's taught herself to perform, and that everyone around her is reacting to the performance. They came to love her through the performance. It's ever so subtle, but an example will be people bragging about her academic achievements right after Matthew dies.
After the grieving period is over, things take the same flavor as they did in the books and movies. In fact, things between friends and Gilbert become very intense, increasingly moreso, and are the focus of the events going on. Eventually, every scene Anne is in makes her think about Gilbert.
Time goes on, other things happen between characters that seem important. More people die, etc. Anne has kids. At first, it's hard for her to adapt to, due to her own trauma. But then, her instincts come in, and she understands how to love them entirely.
Things proceed like they would in the movies, except Gilbert starts to slowly drift out of focus and become a more negative character.
The scene where Anne's delusion can no longer cope with the fact that her marriage is falling apart and she has the mental breakdown ("I am blythe": girl no, you are not), she bawls her eyes out, and you go back in time and finally see the scene where she's in the field with Matthew dying. The entire dialogue and, "I only wanted you." All of the scenes flash through that she's shared with Matthew.
And then you realize that this is the only person who's ever loved her for her. Matthew was her soulmate. Her children get her attention, like they did in the books: they're a legacy of Matthew's love, since he taught her what it means to unconditionally love someone. The cycle of misery ends. She notes that the gables on the house could use a repaint.

Mr. Winslow accused my mother of stealing his dead wife’s jewelry.
I explained it was impossible. He was welcome to search the tiny apartment I shared with my mother and aunt, he could look wherever he wanted.
“We share a tiny space,” I said. “We barely have enough room for our clothes. I don’t even know where she would hide jewelry.”
I was worried we would lose him as a client. Which would suck because cleaning his house was basically the majority of our rent cheque. But a week later he found the pearl necklace, it had somehow travelled down to his basement.
“I’m still missing the gold bangle though,” he said. “And some earrings.”
I told him I was sorry, but I had no idea. If my mom or aunt found it on their next clean, I promised they would let him know right away.
He hummed and hawed. There might’ve been a week where he hired a different maid service, but eventually he called back, asking if he could hire all three of us on-site again.
I thanked him profusely. I told him we’d keep an eye out for the missing valuables.
***
On our drive over, I had my mom and aunt practice the apology we would give him in English. Even though we didn’t steal anything, I explained we should still say sorry.
“Why?” My aunt asked. “That’s so stupid.”
“Everyone apologizes for everything in Canada. Just trust me. He will want it.”
“We need the work,” my mom said.
For a second my aunt revved up to say something else, but then let it go. We did need the work.
When we arrived, Mr. Winslow was on a phone call, watching his two large goldendoodles play in the front yard. He waved, then gestured to the front door. My mom and aunt gave small bows and carried their cleaning supplies inside.
Before I could enter, he put the phone behind his ear and approached me.
“Ida, hi. Good to see you again. Listen, don't worry about the jewelry. Water under the bridge. Hey. I’m leaving in an hour or so, and I won’t be back until late tonight. I’m wondering if you’d be interested in dog-sitting? You’ve been around Toto and Kipper. What do you think? I’d really appreciate the help.”
I never liked the way he looked at me. It was always too close, and it lingered for too long. My aunt may have been right in that he hired us back just to see me again, but I ignored the thought.
“And don’t worry, I can cover your cab back. My usual walker is just out on holiday. You can help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge. How does six hundred sound?”
I looked at his house and imagined if I would be comfortable there. Alone at night.
“I’ll make it seven-hundred. I know it's last minute. I just hate leaving them alone. Plus Toto has his medicine. You would do me a real solid.”
My apron needed adjusting so I put down my bucket. I focused on the polyester knot, keeping my gaze away from his. I really didn’t want to be doing this, but my aunt would call me stupid for refusing easy money. And frankly, so would I.
“I had plans, but I’m willing to give them up.” I said with a straight face. “Eight hundred and it’s a done deal.”
He paused for a second, observing me scrupulously. Then he found his usual, smarmy half-smile. “You’re a life saver, you know that? An Angel.”
His hand gripped my shoulder. Then patted it twice.
***
Both my mom and aunt were pleased about the extra cash, they said I deserved to make extra for all the bookkeeping I do. But they also both voiced their concerns for safety. They said they could stay with me if I wanted.
“Safety? Mamãe I’m just watching two dogs.”
My mom wiped a caked red stain off his counter. An old wine spill. “Yes, but so late in his house? You’re not worried he might … I don’t know …”
Might what? Exploit me?
I met his groundskeeper once, another immigrant contractor. Except the groundskeeper was being paid far less, because he never properly negotiated. Mr. Winslow was certainly capable of exploiting people when he wanted to, and I’m sure he would try the same on my family.
But I was different. I’d gone to school in Banniver, and I knew the little maneuvers played by the so-called “progressive people in North America.”
And Winslow knew it too.
He didn’t realize a Canadian-raised daughter organized her mom’s cleaning service. Or that she would show up on the first day as a statement. That statement being: You can’t get away with mistreating these old Brazilian women. And you certainly can’t swindle them out of the going rates in his neighborhood. I’m onto you.
I had asserted myself with this Mr. Winslow, and felt confident that I could stand my ground if he tried any bullshit.
“Mamãe I’m not worried about him. Really, I’m not. He’s a pushover.”
***
6:00PM rolled around, it was just me and the goldendoodles.
My mom and aunt were back at home, watching low-res soaps on a Macbook, but they said if I encountered anything strange—a sound, a smell, an unexpected car in the driveway—to give them a call right away.
“Mamãe, its two dogs. I’ll be fine.”
“Just keep your phone close Ida. Your auntie has sensed things in that house. Unpleasant things.”
I forgot to mention my aunt thinks of herself as an amateur medium. In the village she grew up in, she claimed she could sometimes see people who were recently deceased.
But I never really believed her. Mostly because it was also my auntie’s idea to charge families who wanted to forward messages to the very same people who were recently deceased.
“Okay mamãe, whatever you say. I’ll phone you if I get scared.”
“That house has a history Ida, you could feel it in the walls. The outside too.”
It sure does. A history of being owned by a wealthy prick.
***
The sun slinked below the overcast horizon like a dying lantern. It got dark much faster than I expected.
I kept all the lights on, and played with the dogs a bit, trying to encourage them to try piss on the shag rug. Neither did. They mostly wanted naps.
I tried napping for a bit too, but the leather couch felt like it was made of rock. I just couldn’t get comfortable.
Eventually I made myself dinner—some pasta that had been bought from Whole Foods—and ate it while scrolling on my phone.
I was just about done, ready to take my dirty plate in the sink when I first heard it.
The first explosion.
It came from the basement. A vibrating KAPOW that rattled the windows and chandelier on my floor. It sounded like someone had set off a cherry bomb.
What the hell?
I turned to the dogs who were just as scared as I was. They came whimpering with tails between their legs.
Could a pipe have burst or something?
I looked at the basement door, an area we were not instructed to clean, and then heard another explosion.
Vases shook. A painting went tilted. It sounded louder. Like full grade firework. I had lived in Rio de Janeiro, by Prianha beach, where they often launched celebratory fireworks. This was just as deafening.
I didn’t want to go down to the basement. In fact, I sat by the front door.
Both dogs huddled around me.
***
Twenty minutes passed. It had been quiet.
Out of pride I refused to call my mom—I didn’t want to admit I was scared. Instead, I spent the time going through all the rational answers in my head that could explain away the noise. Plumbing, terrorism, teen pranks … hot springs?
There were hot springs all over West Bann.
Obviously, some kind of pent-up geyser had lay dormant for a while, and it was now suddenly unleashing a ton of energy below Mr. Winslow’s house. To distract myself, I Wikipedia’d the history of West Banniver, and satisfied this theory.
During the 1850’s gold rush, West Banniver saw rapid settlement as a mining town. The proliferation of mine shafts soon led to a discovery of underground hot springs. Mayfield Briggs Ltd which was the first company to seize the opportunity as a tourist attraction…
That’s all it was. A hot spring releasing a buildup of pressure.
Then a third explosion came.
It was so loud and violent that the door to the basement flew open. I fell to the ground and covered my head as several books went flying off nearby shelves.
The dogs yipped and barked like crazy. They stood in front of me, guarding against an unseen force. A voice shrieked from the basement.
“HELP!!! HELLLLP!”
Rivets shot through my hands and knees. I was frozen to the floor.
“PLEEEEEEASE!”
It had the high-pitched desperation of someone whose life was about to end. I raised my head and listened closely to hear haggard, dusty coughing. It sounded like an old man’s cough. It echoed through the basement and into the living room. Between coughs the man continued to plead for his life.
HELLLLP!”
I had no idea who it could be or how he got down there.
Before I could think, one of the dogs shot past me, bolting down the basement steps, barking ferociously.
“Kipper!”
I tried to grab the loose leash, but I could only hold the collar of his sibling. “Kipper come back here!”
“HELLO?” The voice from below seemed to recognize my presence. “PLEASE, YOU’VE GOT TO HELP!”
I was now upright, breathing as fast as Toto was panting. I tied Toto to the thick rails on the stairs. I had to save the other dog.
Instinctually I grabbed my phone, slipped an AirPod in one ear, and dialed my mother without even looking at the screen.
“Mãe. There’s … something terrible is happening.”
My mother was suitably confused. Even more so when she heard the screaming of the man downstairs as his voice echoed in the living room. It was a cry of immense, awful pain.
After two slower, more detailed explanations of what I just heard, my mother told me to call the fire department. “Poke your head through the basement, see what’s happening. Then call the fire department.”
That made sense to me. I inched my way to the basement entrance and tried to see past the doorway. It was complete darkness. There was no light switch.
I turned the torch on my phone, and my aunt’s voice came blaring. “Get out of there Ida! I am telling you, there is darkness in that house!”
As I illuminated the dusty wooden stairs, I saw that they only lead only to more pitch black. Yup, plenty of darkness here.
There was some phone-wrestling. My mother came back on. “What is it? What did you see?”
“Don’t encourage her! Get her to leave!” my auntie yelled in the background.
I told them to pipe down because I could suddenly hear the gentle whimpering at the base of the stairs. The dog sounded close.
“Kipper come! This way! Follow my voice!”
I went down a few steps further, expecting the basement floor to appear any second, but there were only more wooden steps. How long was this staircase?
“Kipper?”
There was a flat, cold wall on my left, and no guard rail to speak of. I stepped down each step very carefully to maintain my balance, sliding my hand along the wall.
Then the wall disappeared. I flew forward.
***
I woke up lying face-first on rocky floor. My phone was cracked next to me. My mother was crying in my ear. “Ida! Ida! Oh my god! Ida!”
I looked up to see I was not at the bottom of someone’s basement. There were lights all above me. Lanterns. They were illuminating a cavernous, rocky chamber that led to many tunnels with train tracks and wooden carts. I was in the opening of a massive underground mine.
I coughed, and gave out a weak “… what?”
“Ida is that you? Are you… brrzzzzz” My mom’s voice faded.
Before I could reply, I saw the crooked form of a man in tan coveralls, shaking the immobile body of another person in coveralls next to him. In fact, there was a small row of half a dozen miners all slumped against a blasted rock wall. There were bits of granite, wood, rope, and what looked like entrails splattered all throughout.
“Oh the cruelty …” the one, standing miner said. He went from body to body and jostled each of his coworkers. “Must I find you all like this … every time?”
I crawled up to a half-standing pose and tried to see the face of the hunched over survivor.
My heart dropped.
He had no face.
The explosion which must have killed some of friends had also blasted away this man’s entire sternum, neck and skull. The miner wasn’t hunched over or leaning away with his head, he just simply … had no head.
And up there, floating right in the middle of where his face should be, were a set of eyeballs, glistening under the yellow lights.
The eyes turned to me. “Oh. Why hello. Hello there.”
Terrified, I rose to complete standing and opened both my palms in a show of total deference. “I don’t know. I don’t know who you are or what this is.”
The headless miner walked toward me. I noticed he carried a pickaxe in his right arm. He gestured with his left to where his ear would be.
“I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Had an accident.”
Despite him having no head, his voice still came from where his mouth would be. There was an earnestness in his speech, it might have had something to do with his very old-timey accent, but I still felt like he was trying to be friendly.
“Another batch of faulty dynamite. Everyone’s dead. But what else is new.”
He brought his left palm to his face, perhaps to wipe away tears, but instead his hand travelled through his nonexistent head to scratch a small portion of his back.
“Been dead for many years I’m afraid. But I’ve kept busy. Been a good man. Worked very hard for the boss upstairs.”
He gestured upwards with the pickaxe. I looked up, and out in the distance, I saw a large, ancient, set of wooden stairs that I must have fallen from. They extended far up into the mine’s ceiling and kept going.
“He’s gotten good ore from me. Good, shining, golden ore. I have a knack for it you see. The same knack that killed me so many years ago. It's probably what’s still keeping me around though.”
He came closer. I could see he had brown irises, with one of the cataracts deteriorating into milky white haze. The eyes stared at me, unblinking.
“Because I’m not done, see. This mine isn’t empty. I know there’s more gold. Much more. And it’s not all for the boss. No, I’m keeping some to myself. Don’t tell him, but I’ve been stashing a large deposit for myself. It can’t all be his of course. It’s my mine after all. Half these tunnels were dug entirely by me. So of course I deserve some. It’s only natural.”
I lifted my hand and pointed at the staircase behind him. I mouthed very big, obvious words. “I have to go back. I’m going back up those stairs.”
He shifted his body. His two eyes turned in the air as if they were still inside an invisible skull. I saw nerve endings at the back undulate and twist.
“Yes, that is the only way up.”
My heart was in my throat. At least I found some form of communication. I gestured to knee height and nervously asked if he had seen a “large, shaggy dog.”
“Ah yes. I’ve seen the pooches. They come down here sometimes. When the booms don’t scare em that is. Hahah.”
I gave a thumbs up. It felt like a ridiculous interaction with a ghost, or zombie or whatever this was, but at least it was working.
“I think I saw his little tail run over that way. They like the smell of the mineral spring.”
I turned behind to see the long tunnel he was pointing at. It was dimly lit by a chain of smaller lanterns.
I thought I saw a flutter of movement, and I would have kept looking further if it wasn’t for my aunt’s voice that suddenly exploded in my ear. “Brrrzt … Ida! If you can hear us, we are calling the police to your location. Help is coming soon! … ”
I winced and stepped back—which saved my life. I just so happened to step right out of the way of a pickaxe. It sparked the ground.
I gasped and stared at the headless miner. His eyes were shimmering with a dark focus, staring directly at mine.
“Oh I’ll help you find the dog. I’ll help you find whatever you want. But I’ll need those clean new eyes of yours first.”
He swung at my head. I ducked. He went for the backswing. I ran.
Stupidly, I ran in the opposite direction of the stairs. I ran straight into the long tunnel lined with dim lanterns.
But I couldn’t turn around. I had no idea how quick he could move. And the speed of his pickaxe felt supernatural.
The tunnel was narrow, and lined with wooden tracks, I had to skip-run-jump over the panels with immense precision to make sure I didn’t trip. Behind me, his voice chased.
“Go ahead. Run. I know where these all lead.”
I ignored the words and kept going. The tunnel bent left, then right, then left again. I ignored several exits before the tunnel spat me out into an open, cavernous room filled with dozens and dozens of minecarts.
I investigated the room for anything useful. A far opposite wall appeared to be the site of the latest digging, loose rock lay everywhere.
There was a small mineshaft holding a chained up cart. And something in the cart shimmered…
It was gold.
And not just ore either. There were bars, coins, medallions, and jewelry. Mrs. Winslow’s bangles were right on top.
I ran to the cart furthest from the entrance and ducked behind it, breathing heavily, coughing from all the dust.
The headless man emerged from the tunnel, pickaxe raised and scanning where I could have hid. “I may not be able to hear you. But I can follow footprints pretty easily hah. I know you’re in here.”
He grabbed the closest minecart available and pushed it into the tunnel entrance. With an immense show of strength, he lifted and dislodged the cart off the track, cramming it sideways, creating a massive obstacle.
I was sealed inside.
Trying to stay absolutely still, I coughed through my teeth. Lungs burning. My mom’s voice came through.
“Brrzzztt… The police should be there! I told them you were in danger! They said they sent a unit over. Maybe they broke down the front door?”
I looked up at the mine shaft next to me. If it did connect to the surface upstairs, this was my only chance.
I gave a couple good yells. “HEEEEELP!!! DOWN HERE!! HELP!”
I don’t know if it did any good, but it was better than nothing. I turned to see if the miner had heard anything.
He hadn't.
The pickaxe tapped and clanged awkwardly around minecart after minecart.
I had a bigger advantage than I thought.
Although the miner had two floating eyeballs, only the left one was really capable of seeing anything.
So I kept my distance and watched where he was going, always staying behind.
As he limped and peered around minecarts, I was able to evade him, move from behind rock piles and other carts, careful not to leave a trail in the rock dust.
It was all going well until I heard a familiar panting.
“Oh look. If it isn’t precious.”
The dog had managed to jump over the miner’s blockade. It must have heard my yells. Surprisingly, Kipper was unafraid of the headless villain, and even approached him to receive pets.
“Now why don’t you go say hello to our other friend here huh? I know she's here somewhere.”
No. Kipper. Please. Don’t.
The dog started sniffing. Within seconds he found my scent. Kipper skipped towards me like Lassie and excitedly licked my face.
“Aww there we are. Now isn’t that a good boy?”
I stood up and stared at the filthy, ash-stained coveralls. Despite the lack of teeth, I could sense a menacing grin where the mouth should be.
He wasn't going to lose sight of me now. I had nowhere to go.
So I did the thing my auntie said worked on all spirits. I fell to my knees and prayed.
“Please. I only came here for work. I’m too young to die. Let me go and I won't tell anyone that you're here.”
He stood over me. Both of his pupils started to quiver. In just a few seconds, his eyes were swimming excitedly within the space of his head.
I took off the only valuable I had. A gold necklace with a miniature version of Christ the Redeemer. A gift I had received as a teen in Rio. I held it out in my shaking hands.
“Please. Take it. Take everything.”
Suddenly both the eyeballs stared forward again, entranced by the gold.
“Well look at that. How generous. How generous of her. We should reward generosity shouldn’t we?”
***
It was hard for me to describe to the police officer how exactly I got out, because I have no idea.
The fiery pain where my eyes used to be overwhelmed my entire reality for hours. All I wanted was for it to stop.
They found me half inside a dumbwaiter bleeding to death from the gouges in my face.
I was taken to the hospital, where I would spend the next four weeks recovering.
The police did not in fact storm the house like my mom said. They waited outside for the homeowner to return. But when they heard my screams coming from the top floor, they broke the back door and eventually came to my rescue.
I’m told they did a thorough investigation but could not find any of the things I described.
The basement door led into a regular basement. It was filled with old furniture, unused decor, and paint cans. No Mine.
The dumbwaiter was also just a dumbwaiter. It wasn’t some mine shaft, and it didn’t lead any deeper than the basement. Nothing special.
There were definitely hot springs close by, but nothing close enough to damage Mr. Winslow's property. And there was an old, depleted gold mine not far away either, but it was completely abandoned, closed off, and nowhere near as big as the one I had described.
***
The police, paramedics and doctors all thought my story was some hallucination. That I had been on drugs or had some mental breakdown (even though they couldn’t find anything in me other than small traces of weed.)
Thankfully, my mother and aunt believed me. They believed every word. My aunt is the one who encouraged me to make this post, so others could hear my story.
I know it was real.
I know it was.
And Mr. Winslow is fully aware of the mine’s existence.
Putting the dots together, I realized it was likely the source of his wealth. Winslow had some control over that one headless miner down there.
Did Winslow intentionally entrap me? Was he trying to get the miner a new set of eyes? Or was it all an unfortunate accident?
I might never know.
But what I do know is that Mr. Winslow has been paying for our rent ever since the accident.
He feels “terrible about the situation” and “can’t possibly imagine” what I’ve been through.
But he knows what happened.
He knows if I really pushed, If I really forced the police, or some private investigator to look into it—they would uncover something awful. Something really really bad.
“Anything you need. Anything at all. I will cover it, Ida.” He said. “You helped me out, protected my dogs, and I will never forget it.”
He’s offered to pay for the rest of my University schooling. And once my face heals up, he’s even offered to cover for some very expensive, experimental eye-transplant. We’ll see how that goes.
“You and your family will live comfortably from now on. You’ll want for nothing. Tell me exactly what you need, And you’ll get it.”
So I told him I'd like my necklace back. It was an heirloom. I said I lost it somewhere in his house.
A few days later, he returned with the usual smug, half-crooked smirk in his voice. He brought the necklace back in a box, pretending he had bought me a new one. Except it felt exactly like my old one.
It was all shined up, completely buffed of scratches, but it weighed the same. It was my old one for sure.
When my mom saw it she asked, “did it always have it? This dedication?”
As far as I remembered, the backside of the tiny Christ the Redeemer was always plain. I fingered its shape in my hands.
“What dedication?”
The new little divots caught my nails. There was writing that was definitely not there before.
My mom described it as a curly, serif font. Like a gift for a lover.
~ You’re an angel ~
~ W ~

For some strange reason I couldn't upload this post on the ADHD sub, everything was kept as the original.
Can Dissociation resemble ADHD traits.
I have scheduled an appointment to get an ASD diagnosis which I'm at least 90% sure I'm on the spectrum, nevertheless statistically and given some traits I've found there are chances I might also need to consider getting an ADHD diagnosis.
Nevertheless I'm very critical towards that possibility as it can be caused by other factors byproduct of undiagnosed autism.
While transition stages of our lives can expose difficulties we didn't now we had/weren't as intense that can lead to being diagnosed of ADHD in adulthood.
Those traits associated with ADHD can be resembled by other factors, being dissociation one of those.
While dissociation is a medical term that must be taken seriously just like depression where there is a well defined but hard to explain borderline between intense and prolonged sadness vs depression, there is also a clear division between having dissociative alike symptoms without meeting the criteria to be formally diagnosed with it.
Nevertheless it doesn't means that we can be close the verge of developing it, therefore presenting dissociative alike symptoms but still not falling into it, in the same way intense and prolonged sadness can escalate into depression.
Which makes more sense but at the same time still doesn't refutes the possibilities of having ADHD comorbidity.
Unlike ASD where everything is crystal clear for me ADHD is very debatable and isn't as clear as the chances I have ASD.
Although I have not committed as much research about ADHD as I had with ASD, still some of the pieces do not seem to fit at least if they are taken from the assumption ADHD is the only existing/dominant condition, from a perspective of ADHD as an ASD comorbidity where ASD is the dominant condition everything makes more sense but still not as clear as +90% chances I'm autistic.
As I already mentioned Dissociation must be addressed seriously and must be clinically diagnosed + the analogy with the relationship between Sadness and depression...
Still it's important to consider that my mental health hasn't been the best since I started university despite appearing stable and neutral externally there is a lot going on, a lot I philosophically discuss and try to be as objective with my statements as possible trying to be detached from all personal bias but still not recognizing that they aren't simply intellectual ideas and I'm actually struggling more than I want to accept it...

I dont know why anymore,?? something ive noticed is that I constantly feel hopeless and just just a lot of self resentment . it stems from the people I surround myself with and like.
I know who to leave, but like i genuinely cant?? like it’s probably attachment issues but ugh. one of my friends I hang out with in my day to day school lige, has a bit of an ego, and doesn’t understand how some of the things she tells me or does genuinely hurts me or other people ??? I knew her since I was 7, were 15 now, she’s been like passive aggressive towards me or like subtly bullying me since. I feel like bully is a strong word but she’ll make about me in. away that feels jokey but like she means it lmfao😭?? for example, she’ll call me dumb as a joke, but then like belittle me for my grades ??? which I don’t reallycare, but it’s the fact that she goes to ME for math, science, and english . she also treats me like a biohazard?? like she won’t let me write on her paper because I’m, ‘Dirty’ ,which i know she’s teasing but she does it. like a lot. I dont know I have trouble leaving her for a multitude of reasons, The first one being is that we have like all the same friends, and I feel like. my friends perfer her over me??? because they have a lot more in common with her than with me, and like I don’t really see myself as someone likable so I dont know it’s confusing?? I can’t leave them because I still care, and love them but I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere ??? also honestly being alone sucks a lot l??? . She also like portrays herself as a good person to others?? do even if my friends did like me, I doubt they’d believe me. Theres been times where she pointed at my self harm scars and called them disgusting and like gross. but I dont know I feel like she was just teasing and I’m over reacting???
I really do resent myself because like I geniunelu don’t think I’m good at anything; like I’m funny, (at least that’s what others say) but it doesn’t even feel like it anymore because nobody takes anything I say seriously anymore? I told one of my friends I was clinically depressed and she was like “like YOUD know anything about depression” and laughed it off ??? IM DIAGNOSED 😭 . it honestly feels like my friends are laughing AT me and never with me??? I also like feel ugly a lot lol; this has been a problem since I was 11 ish and I dont know what started it,? i always felt fat and I know I’m not but I just . I dont know??? like I’m 4”11 ish and 103 pounds which I know is like good; but all of my friends are thinner and prettier than me, and like I kinda just feel worse compared to them??? like I have an eating disorder and i’ve been to the hospital because of it , but my mom doesn’t believe me because I’m not skinny enough to have one??? and like they’re just naturally skinny and pretty?? I also don’t llll do make up or skin care; because my skin is like clear and I kinda hate my face and I don’t wanna fuck up how I feel about myself further with make up ahha. I also just sound. bad?? like my voice doesn’t have a clear accent because I learnt bangla and english at the same time and I just. sound. stupid lol and multiple people have made fun of me for my voice
Recently ish, 1 month ago during ramadan, my dad left the country for 1 month and a half without any type of notice and like blocked my number and moms number. This scared mr, I thought he was abandoning us . and I felt like it was deserved because I wasn’t good enough for him??? like I feel like I failed him by being tomboyish, having average grades, not being close with him, not being religious and just being a fucking loser??? I cried for weeks about this lmfao and it further instilled my self hatred
like I dont know people say teen years are the best years but like??? dude I am willingly dragging myself through shards of glsss and bleeding out on them. I am causing my own downfall knowing I can probably change . there’s other things i want to write about too but I’m tired rn ughdhdkhxhd

Hello! So, I recently sent in a request for a letter of recommendation to one of my professors. They emailed back, saying yes and willing to write the letter if I sent in my personal statement and CV (curriculum vitae). I am, of course, willing to do so, although feeling a bit shameful/embarrassed of my cGPA of 3.28 and feel like they may not be willing to do it after seeing that portion of my CV. I also feel lacking in other categories on the CV, as I have not had research experience either. My personal statement is pretty good, and I do a lot of volunteering. Does anyone have any advice on what to spotlight on my CV or if the professor can decline after seeing my CV?

How common are small mistakes? I have been a new for 3 years but only 4 months into an acute care setting.
For example, I have personally discovered 3 med errors by other nurses. 2 have been when I checked the bag that was infusing and both were wrong doses. One was a IV antibiotic that was hung and never spiked. All different nurses. All very experienced.
There have been a couple times where I have not unclamped the secondary. Both of these were realized shortly after. I also forgot to change the TPN bag within the 24-hour window. Done a couple other things not up to "policy".
However, I made my first true med error last week, have a PRN pain med at the 5-hour mark. It was supposed to be Q6hrs. My first incident report on myself.
Another time I walked in on my patient at shift change who was tied, yes TIED, to a chair with 2 gaitbelts. This patient was nonverbal and had limited mobility. The night nurse said she did this so the patient wouldn't fall out of the chair. The manager also saw. I'm not sure if anything came of it.
On day when I was feeling bad about my mistakes, my manager told me she forgot to lock a bed when she was transferring a patient and they hit the floor and broke bones and had other injuries. She said everyone makes them.
I haven't received discipline for my mistakes. I talk to my manager a if I feel like I couldve done something differently or could improve, which is a lot. I feel like a new nurse all over again switching to acute care. I feel like one day I'm gonna walk in and get fired. I compare myself to my co-workers, I didn't drop a patient or tie someone to a chair so I think I'll be okay. Those nurses still work there.

Recently there was a post on here about disclosing your dx to others. Incidentally, some people have a negative reaction to the revelation presumably because of their previous experience with a person with bipolar.
I am confused. My disease has been hell on me but I can’t think of how it could have a negative impact on my siblings for example.
So here I am to listen to your stories of how you or someone else living with bipolar may have hurt those around you.

A couple of years ago while in between jobs I wanted to spend the time looking for a job by accepting any job that came my way for a short while, until I found what I was looking for.
I applied for and was accepted by a small company (number of employees 14) as an office manager. Basically I had to look after all the staff and manage day to day office duties plus make longer term plans. I was shocked when I was told that I would be on minimum wage, but I said nothing because I knew I'd leave after a few weeks.
The owner was a Pakistani and he made use of a government scheme where the government would pay the salary or part of it if he employed persons with disabilities. So two of the three other workers in my office had disabilities. On the first day I asked the older of the office workers to explain some things to me. He had some form of disability. I do not know what it was but the guy was morbidly obese and he stank. He was on minimum wage which was being paid by the government, so the owner was getting his services for free. He managed one aspect of the work and I was curious about what happened when he was not at work because the sort of work involved necessitated communication with many countries on different time zones. He told me that when he was home he used his own mobile instead of the office computers to keep things going. He also told me that he was in the office much more than 40 hours per week. I asked him if he was paid overtime but he was not. So this poor sod could not find work anywhere else and found a parasitic man to milk him to death.
The owner was very vague when it came to giving me a brief to work to so I often just took my own initiative. For example I started marketing the services of the company to other businesses. Once I had arranged a meeting with the owner of another business and I met him in the morning in his office. When I arrived late at work, the owner shouted at me for being late. I am not a boy and I do not take being shouted at kindly.
Most of the workers used company cars and the owner discussed with me the problem of what would happen if any of them would get tickets since the cars were registered in his name. I told him that I knew which worker was using which car at any time so if a ticket came our way we would handle it on a case by case basis. But he did not agree. He made me prepare a short legal document to be signed by all drivers that made them culpable for any traffic tickets and that they had to pay out of their own pocket without any questions asked.
I prepared the documents, asked drivers to give me their driving licenses, which I photocopied (probably breaking data protection laws) and attached to a very unfair document which they had to sign. The workers who asked me what the document really meant before they signed it got the truth from me - "If I were you I would not sign it".
Once while I was bored in the office I got talking to another worker and jokingly I told him, If he fires me, I'll first delete all material I prepared for him from the computers. Apparently the obese disabled worker who was being abused by the owner went and blabbed to the owner and the next day I was fired.
What was funny was that the moment I walked into the office the owner unplugged my computer. Apparently the obese guy had told the owner that I really had intended to sabotage the company and the owner believed him.
Sometimes I pity people like that obese guy who are abused and are forced to act as brown nosers and spies on other employees so that they can keep their job.
These are the stories about employment that are never told.

Question
For references- if you have your references listed at that position from say 2021-2023 in that position and someone says in an interview
“Why was not it updated, they are no longer in that position?”
Some people and and you don’t know, Could take it as defensive to say
“Yes, they were in that position from the years listed”
Is it kind of strange/ridiculous for them to say that?
Former wouldn’t be accurate because during those years listed to the position they were current. I’m so careful to not come across as defensive even slightly, so I just smile and say “ok.” Really?
For example
A Person Rwaw, Supervisor, C company 2021-2023
During those years he was. He has moved, but those years he was in that position.

Idk if anyone will relate to this or can tell me why i am this way.I like to think of myself as someone who has a big heart, no matter what people do to me i will always stay by their side i will always be the push over person. I am someone who wants to give back and has a passion for helping young people who find themselves in a difficult position or homeless.I am so caring and loving however i feel like a fake at times i can understand why people would feel a certain way however i can not sympathise with them (if that’s the right word) for example someone i know giving birth to a child or getting married, i can understand that they are happy and that other people are happy or are excited/over the moon to see the baby or see them getting married i understand the happiness but i can not feel anything towards it i don’t understand it’s like i’m numb. i’m not sure if i am making sense but i can understand why people are happy but i am just unable to feel that emotion that’s everyone else seems to feel when seeing a newborn.another EG would be someone passing away.i have had both my stepsister and grandfather who has passed away, it’s like it had no affect on me i could understand why this is a sad and devastating situation however i could not feel anything towards it i can understand how people are sad and why they would be but i can not feel it myself. i feel as if i’m able to have empathy but not sympathy (if that’s the right way of explaining) and idk why.or another example someone being sick of cancer or a illness i can understand why hy it is upsetting but i can not feel anything towards it. i can wrap my head around why a saturation may be good or bad but i can not feel no emotion towards it.like i said i feel as if i am someone who has a big heart and like to help people but sometimes i feel like fraud it’s like my brain can not process why someone is so sad or happy. even coming into action i do that may have consequences i can understand why those consequences are there but they don’t affect me in the way u think people think it does like people will feel bad and not do something again because it may hurt someone and i can understand how it would but it’s like i fully can’t understand the aspect of it.i am someone who is very self aware of my action and feel like i tend to get over looked by multiple therapist as i know what’s right from wrong and know what to do to fix a situation or whatever it may be but it’s like i can not chnage it. i feel as if i’m overlooked by therapist as i’m too self aware and seem like i have it put together.can anyone help me understand why i am this way or if they can relate?thank you for reading im sorry if my wording does not make sense i am not best at explaining things…

Assassin's Creed Shadows Breakdown
New gen only (PS5, XSX, PC) on an updated Anvil engine
Takes place in Feudal Japan in the year 1579 during the Azuchi-Momoyama period
The time period sees a range of activity, including Portuguese merchants, legions of samurai, shinobi, Jesuit missionaries, etc
Large open world as big as Assassin's Creed Origins
Play as two protagonists, Yasuke and Naoe
There are set personal quests where you play as one or the other, but you can freely switch between both in the open world and during other objectives
Yasuke is a real historical figure who was brought to Japan by a Jesuit missionary and then became a samurai and served Oda Nobunaga
Naoe is an agile shinobi who likes stealth, but knows how to fight; can use a grappling hook to traverse the environments - physics based so it can be improbable
Yasuke's fighting style is more head on direct combat, with parries, breaking enemy armor plates, decapitation finishers, etc
Naoe uses a kusarigama, a chain that can whip around and keep enemies at bay
The team pushed on more destructibility and sliceable objects; with damage realistically replicated from sword slices, arrow puncture marks, etc
Enemies can now be knocked out if players want a more pacifist playthrough
Players can now go prone to sneak around
Fully dynamic lighting system illuminated by sunlight, torches, lanterns, etc
The game progresses through the 4 different seasons Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter
Each season brings with it environment and gameplay changes. For example, you can crawl prone under water in a pond during the summer, whereas that pond will be frozen over in the winter
More examples: Grass grows tall in the spring, perfect for hiding, while it dies off in the fall, removing those hiding spots. Hanging icicles on buildings can snap and fall off, revealing your location during winter, etc
You can hide in the shadows to escape enemies, and take out light sources to evade detection ala Splinter Cell
Create a customizable hideout where you can grow and train your own shinobi league, craft new gear, interact with other characters, and choose your base's layouts, decorations, and accessories
There are huge castles that act as significant landmarks throughout the open world that act as dungeons and their own big levels
Wanted to be a little more open with how you complete objectives, can tackle assassination targets in any order
There are no more synchronization points that reveal all the points of interest on the map, instead they act as high vantage points that let you look and discover them yourself
More coming soon. #AssassinsCreedShadows

I am a profitable day trader who wants to save as much as I can on taxes. If I start a C-Corp can I trade through the C-Corp and pay 21% on for example $20 million dollars of day trading profits instead of the personal income taxes as long as I don’t pay myself a salary. I would also like to reinvest this money into a film all under the c-corp. Am I out of line here or would this be fine. I will be reaching out to a tax attorney in the coming months.

The whole scene is nothing but characters acting stupid for the sake of plot and nonsensically out of character. The whole problem with the scene stems entirely from 4 points: 1) Adam shouldn't be there. 2) charlie being ill prepared. 3) Sera being stupid. 4) exterminations being a secret.
1) Adam shouldn't be there: Everyone knows Adam is an idiot and a loud mouth, that's his main character traits, so why would Sera, the immortal angel who has been in an important position of power in heaven for millennia, ever think it's a good idea to trust him with anything that requires the most minimal amount of intelligence and subtlety? She shouldn't do that because Sera isn't supposed to be braindead, braindead people don't stay in positions of power for long, if Sera was half as smart as her position requires her to be she wouldn't have put Adam on the trial because he would obviously fuck up, i know he was going to fuck it up, you knew he was going to fuck it up, how did Sera not?
That blunder was so unbelievably stupid i feel it deserves it's own section.
2) "Charlie being ill prepared*: Charlie already begins the trial wrong by bringing in a bunch of definitions, which not only doesn't prove that souls can be redeemed, but is also offensive to the people she is pitching the hotel to because it's a tad belittling. Also not only are those papers with definitions and drawings her opening statement, that's all that she has, which is weird because she was more prepared when she met Adam, in fact she was doing well with Adam, she was explaining what the hotel, what it does, and why they should accept it and even appealing to his clear laziness, the only reason she failed was because Adam doesn't do the exterminations just because they are his job, he does for fun too. If Charlie actually put in the same amout of work and competency she would have brought with her and showed Serpentious to give his own statements about the hotel and his stay there, he made remarkable progress despite being in the hotel for 5 months at best. But instead Charlie is ill prepared and she ends up relying entirely on luck, imagine how much more different the trial would have happened if Angel Dust had been just sleeping, or in the salon cutting his hair, or wanking, or doing literally ANYTHING else.
3) Sera being stupid: Literally every mistake Sera could make, she did.
3.1) she is against the hotel: from the get go Sera is needlessly against the idea of the hotel and sees it as a danger for quite literally no reason, if anything the hotel is a good thing to heaven because the main reason hell is a threat is due to their numbers, the hotel redeeming sinners evens that plain field.
3.2) she interrupts Charlie's opening statement: as i explained before, the definitions were lame and a bad first impression to the council, since Sera doesn't want the hotel she shouldn't have sustained the objection, that would have made her pass for a nice person giving Charlie a fair shot while following the basic principle of "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.".
3.3) "why isn't he here then?": When that question was asked relating to Angel the answer was obvious, in the words of a much more competent character with divine stuff around him "one good action doesn't erase all the bad, and one bad action doesn't erase all the good", i through of this answer as i was watching the scene, how did Sara, the immortal angel who rules a section of heaven didn't?
3.4) "You didn't know": throughout the whole song Sera does literally NOTHING, she just runs like a headless chicken while going "you don't know" a thousand times over, but if she actually had the competency necessary for holding the position she holds she would have put her cock on the table and said "No! We don't know exactly what gets someone into heaven, that's for god/the sector that makes that judgement to know, what we do know is that it's our position to ensure that your people, the murderers and rapists won't come up here to murder and rape. You, Charlie, have shown yourself to be a petuland and emotional child so this trial is over!".
4) Extermination being a secret: Extermination is a very simple thing, in order to ensure that hell can't grow strong enough to invade heaven and rape everything in sight Adam and his gang of goons go there to kill some sinners, it's a secret in two fronts: to sinners it's said that the exterminatons happen due to over population. To heaven it's kept hidden. Both of these are stupid.
4.1) telling hell the exterminatons are due to over population: if you want to ensure hell won't rise up then telling them "look here, bitch, look at how easily i can clip out your strength with a small platoon, try anything and you are ALL dead" would be a good use of fear factor.
4.2) Not telling heaven the exterminatons happen: what do you gain by keeping the exterminaton a secret? Nothing! You just give whoever reveals it first control over the narrative, it's super easy to paint the exterminators as true heroes who every year venture to the land of the depraved to ensure those of good will and morals in heaven stay safe, so why go through all the trouble of keeping it a secret?
Literally every single action taken in this scene is stupidity after stupidity that doesn't makes sense for the characters, Adam and Lute are cocky dumbasses, it makes sense for them to make the mistakes they did, the mistakes from Charlie and Sera don't make sense.
tl dr: the Trial Scene is a complete failure from a writing stand point, nothing makes sense, characters act stupidly out of character.

I met this guy through Instagram - he gave me a follow, we spoke for a week, met up, had a good first date. He asked me out again for the following week to which I said yes. He’s an engineer and is doing very well for himself. I did notice that he was a little prone to making grammatical errors here and there. The wrong your or their. It’s nothing too crazy but we now have a running joke that because I’m an English teacher, I’ll be brushing up his vocabulary because he’s always caught off guard by random “big words” I say that he’s never heard. Wholeheartedly, is an example of one. So as usual, we were talking, he’s telling me he’s never gotten rejected by a woman before, that he doesn’t need ego boosts and he’s got a good head on his shoulders because he’s smart, the whole package etc I take this and run with it by saying something like “Yeah, a good head but we’ve got to find out if it’s filled with anything substantial. I mean I’ve got to teach you a language you’ve been learning since you were a child hey? Hahahaha”
Safe to say he did notttt take that well. He proceeded to tell me I get too carried away with my jokes and that I’m being deliberately rude rather than nice or sweet. At first I said come onnn did I really offend you? And he replied with he doesn’t get offended but he doesn’t like rude comments. So I apologised and said I’d be more careful and stop. The rest of the conversation was a tad dry and he went to bed letting me know he’d message tomorrow about our date.
I think in hindsight maybe what I said does sound pretty mean but considering we’ve kind of joked for the last 3 weeks about my career and teaching him, I didn’t realise that joke would be an overstep. I don’t mind if that’s a deal breaker for him as everyone has different levels of what they consider banter or funny. That said, I’d hate to be in a relationship where I’m walking on eggshells and can’t be myself out of fear of what I say being taken as a personal attack or misconstrued.
I am just curious, if he does cut the chord over this, is he right to do so? Was I an absolute asshole? The one thought I had was it is so clear that I’m into him so I don’t know why he would think I was being serious or deliberately rude. I’d never want to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings, especially if I like them.

This is what the cousin says in a Reddit post
I don't know if they'll ever solve this case now. I believe the reason is to save Midlothian PD from an embarrassing situation. About 3 days after the murder I spoke to an officer to let them know I was confident my cousin did this. They brushed me off saying that they knew who did it. Even my aunt, my cousin's mother, spoke to the police about a week later to let them know who did this. Again the police believed that her husband was involved. My cousin lived just up the road from the church...about a 10 minute drive at most. My cousin was short, about 5'6 and had police gear just like the person in the video. Also my cousin walked exactly like the person in the video and had the exact same mannerisms. About 2 days after this all happened I questioned him about it over and over. he never denied it and only said that he was going through the worst time in his life. He also kept saying that there were things that only God would know about. He was always very religious, but started getting in and out of drugs since about 2008. In 2015 he was very bad into heavy drugs and began borrowing money from everyone. He also began to take his own items as well as others to sell them at pawn shops. When I talked to my aunt about it she is 100% convinced it was him. She also asked him where his police gear was and he said that he had sold it all off. He actually needed the gear for some of the security gigs he would work. He also never denied having been there that night and also told her that he was in a very dark place in his life. Even his partner at the time told us that he had to work a security gig that night. He described him the next few days as being frantic. My cousin did pass away in May 2016 but before then he became very estranged from everyone We were devastated. Even when we talked to the police about a week after his death they wouldn't do anything about our statements because they told us again that they were convinced it was someone close to Missy. They were very wrong. Now too much time has passed and we still have never heard back from them.

I (20F) have been dating my bf (24M) for about 7 months now. I’ve been home from college for the summer for 4 days. Since I’ve been back both of my parents keep making comments that are extremely annoying. I was on a walk with my dad and he was saying that I’m wasting the younger years I have dating him and he’s distracting me. That I’m young and shouldn’t worry about dating right now. My mom makes rude comments that imply i’m mean to my bf when i’m not at all. She’ll say “i bet you start most of the fights between you two” for example.
They also have it in their heads that my bf is the only person I ever spend time with. My mom will say that I turned into one of the girls who only spend time with their boyfriends. My college roommate recently got a studio apartment and my parents said “I bet the reason she got her own place was because you’re never around”. The things they’re saying are ridiculous and I’ve stopped bringing up my bf to them to avoid things like this.
I have never been a very social person and I socialize with my friends a very normal amount. I do spend a lot of time with my bf but it doesn’t take anyway from any other aspect of my life. I still get good grades, I managed to get a good job that’ll look great on my resume. I’m not sure why or where my parents got the idea that I’m with my boyfriend all the time.
My boyfriend and I get along really well and I do enjoy spending time with him often. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, I get all my responsibilities done and make time for my friends. My parents have met him before and they both think he’s really nice. I am the youngest of 4 daughters so maybe being the baby of my family makes it harder?
I’m not sure how to deal with this. Any advice on how to deal with this or why they’re being like this?

If you read reddit’s dementia sub, many of the folk caregivers look after can have a history of aggression, a history of being refused care home rooms (abusive to other room mates), and a history of making false accusations - particularly of caregivers. For example, many caregivers get accused of stealing stuff. It’s inevitable drivers will get similarly accused.
So what is a reasonable question to ask of a caregiver ride (three way)?
We need to some “safe harbor questions”.
It seems reasonable to ask safety questions, similar to: does the dog/cat have a bite history, asked by any insurance agent!
(Disclosure I drive uber (as self-employed business person), and a care van for people living with various levels of dementia (as employee))

I have an original thought that stupidity is violence. Just like Fascism inevitably bring about violent result towards minorities, stupidity inevitably bring about violent result towards everything that it touches, although at randomized rate.
Unfortunately, in this world, as of today, stupidity is not categorized as a moral harm, which I obviously strongly disagree. For example, I remember I read in the news before, there was a case of European governing body decided not to punish anti-vaxx misinformation spreader, because the person is deemed ignorant and does not hold any scientific license. So in this specific case, we can observe that ignorance (a form of stupidity) is being used as excuse to lighten punishment even though the harm (violence) caused due to the misinformation that this person spread is probably massive.
I want to know if there are any philosophers covering this idea before, pro or against.

Prior LEO ptsd troubles
A short background because it’s honestly too many things to go into. I started as a deputy when I was 23. I started as a cadet for the sheriffs office at 18, my first call I witnessed a guy put a 30-06 in his mouth and paint the tree behind him. Within my first year full time was involved In a shooting. First year chased a burglary suspect that carjacked two people and stabbed both. Had to watch a teenage girl burn to death screaming in a car and there was nothing we could do, we couldn’t get her out, couldn’t get the fire out, and her screams are burned in my brain, a 16 year old kid, on the way to school, never made it, and all you can do is watch, hear her scream until there was silence and then the fire department was finally able to get there, minutes too late. Numerous suicide calls. Two of them are seared into my mind. First was on Easter one year I got a call from Sgt asking me and the senior shift deputy to respond to a suicide that was a friend of his. The wife wore ear plugs and outer ear muffs because her husband snored so loud, anyways, the husband shot himself in the bed at night with a 38 to the head and the brain matter was all in her hair, she didn’t know until the kids ran in to wake up the parents for Easter baskets, dad of course didn’t wake up. The second was a 14yr old foster kid whose foster parents went to a movie on a super cold night and came out to not be able to find him. I found him in the back yard, he had hung himself with a dog leash on the swingset to the point to where to do so he had to consciously hold his legs off the ground until he had asphyxiated. Who knows how many other shit calls. But one other that still haunts me was my first child sexual torture. Was a 6 year old little girl whose grandmother called. Her POS dad would put a butter knife to a propane torch and insert it into her, put cigarettes out on her, and slice her private areas. As I went outside to the car to call Sgt and do the report, she ran up to me and demanded that I take her teddy bear in thanks for helping her. This was a decade before I had my own children, and I remember going out to the car and bawling like a baby.
These are the gist. I spent 12 years in law enforcement, worked everything from patrol, investigations, warrants, and ended in the schools as a resource officer. I never had a problem with the violent calls, the shots fired. In fact, those calls I felt most calm, I felt like it was my place because I knew what to expect, I could flick off the emotions and handle whatever came. What ended up getting me was death. The breaking point I was attempting to serve a civil paper and the house looked abandoned. I said, hell I’ll do my due diligence and make sure. As I walked around the back I saw in the window out of the corner of my eye a rope hanging from a ceiling fan, clothes, and a chair kicked over. I’d seen so many hangings before, in my mind I knew that’s what it was. But I couldn’t bring myself to confirm, I couldn’t see it anymore. I had to call my best friend on shift to look. All I could do was go back to my unit and just feel this broken helplessness. It turned out some kids had “hanged” a mannequin and it wasn’t a real person.
I spent the next 3 years after that in the schools and loved it, but I still hated my profession, because it had warped my life, affected every aspect of it irregardless of what I did. I ended up on meds, and ended up taking a job within emergency management and currently love that job.
On to the struggle or rather the question. As many of you know, even with meds the ptsd is still there. I ended up developing issues with loud noises and other things that I never had a problem with when I wore a badge.
I found myself drinking more now than ever. Not so much as an escape, but because I need to feel what I remember, or what’s burned in my brain. Have you had issues where you “know” what you’ve been through, you know how that should affect you and what emotions it should produce, yet you’re not able to get those emotions out that you feel you need to? For example, you are having a bad day of all those memories coming back and their taking over. You want so bad to break down, bawl, and yet it’s like you’re reading a book that someone else experienced it. You question is it real? Why do I have these memories and this pit inside of me that wants to get these things out and break down but it just won’t come out. When I say this I don’t mean it in a positive way that you’ve healed and the trauma no longer bothers you, I mean it grips you but you can’t release or invoke the physical response of what is the turmoil inside of you. I try to tell my wife the video morgan wallen made to “cover me up” is the closest to how life feels a lot of the time. And I can understand how people want to go back, because as fucked up as the experience, watour, job was, it made sense when you were in the grind. When you’re out, you’re alien to yourself, things are different, you’re different, it’s impossible to be normal or what society expects out of you. You’re stuck in between hating it for what it stole from you and did to you and longing for it to be back because in its own fucked up realm, it’s the only thing that makes sense. I’m still in emergency services, so I have a radio that has the frequencies to my prior agency and surrounding. I hear calls come across (the high risk ones) and I find myself when driving going into that mode and wanting to head towards the call. I still if in the area will back up units if they’re solo. It’s like the dangerous calls part I can’t get away from. Not that I receive a “high” off of them, but I feel the most calm and most normal during those type of situations. For those that have gotten out do you feel the same?
I’m sorry for the long read, it’s just not something that’s easy to paraphrase.

Long story short, I'm a male, a little more than 3 weeks ago I had sex for the first time in a while and it was a casual hookup with a woman I didn't know before matching on the dating app. She gave me the vibes that she likes having casual sex with strangers, as I was an example of. The condom slipped out during vaginal sex at one point and I think it was maybe 30 seconds or so before I had realized it.
Now, she wasn't a sex worker (as far as I know) and this all happened in her nice condo, and I didn't get the vibes she's into hard drugs but she was smoking marijuana during our time together. Being an anxious person, the following day I hurriedly went to get PEP (Biktarvy) and started the first dose within the first 20 hours after sex, this to prevent HIV. I've already tested negative for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea and have more STD testing scheduled for in a couple of weeks.
I have 6 doses left to take of the Biktarvy and other than very mild stomach ache here and there (particularly in the first few days) and some harder stools (but not too bad compared to my usual soft ones) I think I haven't felt much other side effects, up until yesterday that is where I noticed back pain and started worrying about my Kidneys, which is something one could rightfully worry about apparently since these types of meds can apparently be bad on organs.
I believe I haven't noticed any STD symptoms in the 3 weeks since the sex. Now, since I'm so anxious and maybe even a hypochondriac, I don't think I can mentally handle having casual sex like this again. Can't handle the worry. I went on the PEP because after a Google search and seeing some Reddit results I found lots of posts of people asking if they should take PEP after a one night stand and consistently responses were ridiculing the various different OPs about even asking the question, the argument consistently being that the question is stupid as it would do little to no harm to take the PEP for 28 days, especially when the worst alternative could be to get HIV and have to take the meds for years. I got similar responses in the clinic I went to. I didn't get the bad attitude but I did get the feeling transmitted to me that it wasn't such a big deal to take PEP for 28 days. Agreeing to take this was a big decision for me as I've had nearly deadly reactions to other prescription drugs before and am very wary about what I put inside my body.
But yesterday, after feeling the back pain I googled again and started finding a lot of posts talking about the potential of Kidney and Liver damage when taking PEP and now I'm feeling like I rushed into something unnecessary.
Only 6 more doses yet, Ill finish the regiment at this point (it's a 28 day regiment).
Is it justified that I went for the option of taking it? Ugh... I hope I don't suffer long term organ damage because of something I very likely didn't need.