So, I'm not entirely sure what my goal is with this post. One thing I know for certain is that it will be very long, and probably sort of jumbled and frantic, more stream of consciousness than anything. I guess I just sort of wanted to share some of the important realizations I've had in recent months, and see if: 1. Other people think that they're fair or "correct" realizations, and I'm not becoming, like, delusional or something. 2. Maybe my sharing these perspectives will help or inspire someone else who has struggled in ways similar to me.
So, here's the basic background of things. I've always been a really reserved and quiet person, ever since I was a little kid. Add in being skinny and nerdy for most of my life, and maxing out at a height of 5'9", and I'm not exactly a hot product for the average girl my age (19, turning 20 in a few weeks). In fact, I'd never had a relationship until this past year in college, but I'll get more into that in a minute. Hell, I hadn't had so much as a first kiss until this past year, either.
And, at the beginning of this past school year, being my second year of college (as a commuter student, so socializing is pretty difficult), I began to really get down on myself for having never been in a relationship, never kissed a girl, being a virgin, etc. It started to really take a toll on my mental health, because I believed that there was something intrinsically wrong and unlovable about me. Whereas a lot of young men who struggle socially romantically seem to be directing their sadness, frustration, and anger outward toward the world, especially toward women, I instead found myself directing those feeling toward myself. I was convinced that, on a basic level, there was some vital component to who I am as a person that disqualifies me from being worthy of love or affection. After all, that's what 19 years of evidence suggest, right?
Looking back, I think a large component in this was how I had been struggling, and still struggle to a degree, with my identity as a young man. I'm naturally a pretty progressive person, and I make an effort to be open to the perspectives of other groups and listen to their stories. Unfortunately, as we all know, a lot of people have been harmed by the men in their lives. And I know, I know: if I'm not doing anything wrong myself, then I shouldn't take any of these stories personally.But I guess, given the poor mental state that I was already in, I took it as validation that there was in fact something intrinsically wrong about me, and that thing was being a man. I started to avoid people on the street, especially if they were a woman or presented as feminine. At work, I avoid going anywhere near female customers, out of fear of making them uncomfortable. I'd keep my head down walking from class to class on campus, worried that I might make someone uneasy with my gaze. It wasn't that I thought I was a threat; in fact, I knew that I was not. But I also knew that the people around me didn't know that. In their eyes, maybe they have to assume that I'm a creep or that I'm a dangerous type of man. And it hurt to realize that, and I realize now, like I said, that I took it as validation that there was something intrinsically wrong with me.
Due to that, as well as other factors, such as stress and exhaustion from overworking (I'm a full-time student and work about 30 hours a week, which is a lot for me, might not be for others, I admit), I experienced some of the worst periods of depression I've ever had, since being diagnosed with it and anxiety in 2021. I tried going to therapy. I went to a few sessions, then gradually started missing more and more due to a lack of time, until my therapist cancelled all of our scheduled future sessions. It was on me. I wasn't committed.
I lost my passion for my hobbies and interests, like creative writing, which had previously been an important emotional outlet for me. A lot of nights would be spent lying in bed, listening to a playlist filled with sad music and hugging a pillow, wishing it was someone who loved me in the way that I thought, or hoped, love would work.
At the behest of my friends, to whom I only presented my issues as being a little down about never having been in a relationship, I started messing around with dating apps. At first, I felt good about making some sort of effort to put myself out there. Like I said, I've always been insanely reserved, so doing something like making a dating profile felt like an accomplishment. Of course, nothing much came of it. Over the five or so months that I was on the app, I maxed out at about six likes on my profile, and only matched with two people.
But one of those two people was a girl who went to the same college as me, and we seemed to have a lot of interests in common. And I mean a lot. To the point that it was almost comical. Of course, I realize now that having some hobbies in common isn't enough to form a good relationship with someone, but I realize now that I was just desperate for someone who I could convince myself halfway-tolerated me. She and I started to go out, and after a while, we decided to make things "official." My first kiss. My first relationship. My first girlfriend.
It lasted for only a few months. After a while, something felt off. I wasn't as excited to see her as I had been before. It was hard for us to make time for each other, between my working and her being involved in extracurricular stuff around campus. Car rides and dates began to be filled with longer and more frequent stretches of awkward silence, as I tried to think of something to say or talk about, only to come up empty-handed. As we got to know each other better, I realized that we didn't have as much in common as I first thought. She was a little more conservative, not necessarily in a political sense, but more in terms of "status", if that makes sense. I learned that financial success was very important to her parents, and I could tell that it was important to her, too. She avoided telling her parents that I was an English major, instead opting to tell them that I was getting a degree in computer science, as that was my minor at the time. It seemed to me that the status of a relationship was more important to her than the quality of the relationship (pot calling the kettle black, yes, I realize). For example, there was a dance on campus that she wanted to go to, pretty much just to take pictures of the two of us together so she could show them to friends and family. But as for the dance itself, it was more of the same that had been happening before: awkward silence, short conversations, lots of looking around at anything other than each other.
After a while, I decided that, for both of our sakes, I needed to break things off. I didn't want to waste her time when I knew that my heart wasn't in it anymore. So, at the beginning of April, I drove over to her dorm, and we talked it over in my car for a while. At the end, we hugged one last time, and I haven't seen her since.
I think a key component in the decision I made is the fact that I reconnected with some old friends from high school, who are still local, even though they are going to another university. Over Christmas break, I hung out with them for the first time since the pandemic as, during that time, I ended up having a falling out with them over some dumb high school drama and political differences. To my surprise, they had changed a lot, and had managed to pull themselves out of the incel trajectory that I had seen them beginning to fall down during high school. They were kinder, more accepting people. My surprise was matched only by my pride in them. I had feared and assumed the worst of them, and I couldn't have been happier to be proven wrong. Since then, I've been invited back into their group chats, and I see them in-person with some regularity, when our schedules allow it.
I think having that connection made me feel more comfortable with the idea of being single again, and since the break up, I've been able to rely on them for support, laughs, and just feeling like I have somewhere I belong. Before, I found myself desperate for any kind of connection and fell into a cycle of denying myself that connection because I was convinced that, since it didn't just present itself, I wasn't worthy of it.
And maybe it has something to do with that, but on the drive home from my now-ex's dorm (though I still wonder if I should/could really call her an ex. Sure, we agreed to make things "official", but we still only dated for a few months), I felt my perspective on, well, at the risk of sounding over-dramatic or overly romantic, everything, being to change.
And I guess that's what the title of this post is about. The things I've begun to realize in the time leading up to and following that break-up.
Above all else, I've realized the importance of connection. If I didn't have a stable friend group again, I don't know where I'd be. Probably still in a stale relationship, clinging on and trying to convince myself that I'm not feeling the way that I'm feeling. I have people to talk with again, to confide in when I feel stressed or depressed. I go out and do things again, which I didn't realize I hadn't really done very much since the pandemic.
But I know that for a lot of people who are/were in the position I had been in, finding friends is difficult. If it weren't for my unique circumstances of being reunited with an old, estranged group of friends, I would absolutely be in the same position. I still really struggle with social anxiety, and talking to new people is a huge struggle for me. So, I've also had some realizations that don't have as much to do with the friendship side of things, and I hope that these can be of some use to people who also struggle with social anxiety.
I know that the idea of "working on yourself" is cliche and overused, so I won't frame it exactly like that. In my opinion, saying it like that makes it sound too daunting and tedious, and having been in those dark, dark places myself, I know that it was the last thing I wanted to hear. So, instead, I like to think of it this way. It's more like living in spite of your circumstances. Over the course of this past year, I essentially shut my life down, because I was so convinced that there was no point, because I felt that I knew that I would never be loved or accepted. Now, I feel an urge to go on living for myself, almost in direct spite of the fear that I may be forever alone. It's a fear that I still deal with, and who knows, maybe things will end up that way.
And, I suppose, that leads into my main realization, which is sort of an extension/restatement of the last one, now that I think about it. I now feel the desire to accumulate enough in my life, to reach a point where I am satisfied enough, that I can rest knowing that I will be okay, with or without a relationship. Before, my self-worth was almost entirely attached to my relationship status, and my lack of romantic experience. Now, I realize that a relationship can only come when I don't need it, or at least don't feel that I need it. Being a huge nerd and a writer, I think a lot about quotes from books, shows, movies, and games that have stuck with and there's one from God of War: Ragnarok that comes to mind here (by the way, I actually highly recommend playing or watching a playthrough of God of War 2018 and Ragnarok if you've struggled with masculinity in the same way I have, the music and cutscenes from those games have actually helped to pull me out of some mental spirals about my self-worth and identity as a man). It comes from a scene in which Kratos confronts his younger self, and is trying to decide if he is willing/ready to be a god again:
"Should I lose everything and everyone, will there still be enough left inside so that I do not become you? I do not know. But I have hope."
It's a quote that resonates with me now more than ever (even though it's from a DLC that just came out around Christmas, lol). I know now that I want to get to a place where there is enough left inside me that I know I'll never fall into that dark mental state again.
Something else that I've noticed has happened is the return of my passions for my hobbies and interests, especially for writing. I don't want to sound too arrogant, but I think I've begun to realize an important goal for my writing. If I'm lucky enough, I want to be able to write and release stories that explore masculinity and isolation, and, if I can, I want to create stories that can help guide other young men and boys who have struggled in the way I have and continue to do. I want to create characters who serve as positive male role models, who are emotionally strong, intelligent, and kind. I want to write stories of personal redemption, and show that no one is truly ever too far gone to be able to recover. If my writing could help even just one person who is struggling, then I would consider my career to be a success.
At the risk of being too cheesy, I'd like to end this very long-winded post with another quote, this one from a YouTube channel I recently discovered, and one I would highly recommend to just about anyone: Cinema Therapy. It's from their video about "A Silent Voice", which also happens to be one of my favorite movies, and one of my main inspirations when it comes to the kinds of stories I want to tell.
"Depression doesn't go away, doesn't lift for most people. But there's a capacity to feel again. There's a capacity to feel joy. The cure for so many things is connection. And we may think 'no one want to connect with me.' But we just need to find the right people."
I think the only thing I would add to that is that, in my opinion, the connection can also be with yourself.

Before purchasing the Season Pass, I had only gone to the Alamo once to see The Marvels. I'd had a great experience (mainly with the seats, food, and alcohol lol), but I never really thought about going back unless there was another movie I truly wanted to see. However, approximately one month ago, one of the students in my capstone group mentioned that he had the Season Pass, and I made the impulse decision to also purchase it. I figured that, since it is my last semester of college, Alamo is so close by (St. Louis location, and I attend SLU, so like a 5 minute walk), and I love watching movies (I've seen close to 600 at 22), it was something that I would really enjoy doing. Now, I'm going to do a breakdown of my experience over the past month.
So far, I have seen 24 movies total, and in order, they were: Sasquatch Sunset, Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire, Big Lebowski, Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (Big Show), Challengers (Early Access), Hard Target, Monkey Man, Abigail, Alien 45th Anniversary, Humane, Civil War, Fall Guy (Early Access), Tarot, Star Wars: Phantom Menace 25th Anniversary, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Casino, Bridesmaids, The Amazing Spider-Man, Serial Mom, Mamma Mia, Hot Fuzz, Scarface, Psycho, and Last Stop in Yuma County. I am about to see another one tonight (If), I may see one tomorrow right before my pass expires, and I purchased one ticket just to get the rewards. I would have seen more movies if I could, but the nights I didn't go were either repeat movies, or my Alamo was closed (which I would assume is due to lack of staffing that day?).
In regards to food/drink, I've had the Regular Popcorn, Churro Popcorn, Cookie Milkshake, Salted Caramel Milkshake, Burger, Carnivore Pizza, Chocolate Chip Cookies, and Loaded Fries. Their milkshakes are some of the best I've ever had (the cookie one is my favorite), and the rest of the food is pretty good (although pricey when I did purchase it). The Churro Popcorn, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Loaded Fries, and a random Dr. Pepper were free with the rewards I have built up. I also have another appetizer reward that I will use tonight (trying to decide between the Pretzel, Mozzarella Sticks, and Chips + Queso).
Now, to the general good things about my experience. Although most movie theaters are like this nowadays, I love how comfortable the seats are. The theaters were usually very quiet and undisturbed (I saw the post about the same STL location having issues, but I never experienced that). I enjoyed the wide selection of movies (I saw a lot of older ones, as you can probably see). I also liked being able to have early access to a few of the movies I saw, as it felt like a random perk of my Season Pass (even though you didn't need one for it). The servers were usually very attentive and pleasant to talk to, even if I only asked for a water, and I rarely needed to press the button to get their attention. The food would also come out pretty quickly after I ordered, and being able to move the tray table in front of me was a big plus in that regard. There was even one day that I was completely alone in the theater (Monkey Man), which was a cool experience for me.
There were also some downsides. On the days that they were understaffed, ordering was definitely harder, especially for the Big Shows (I mostly noticed this when I saw Fall Guy and got the pizza + drink). Then, for one of the movies (Monkey Man, again), the server took my card in case I ordered anything (they've never done this before, and it hasn't happened since then), and I got charged a $1 fee that was never refunded. Another time, when I went with some friends, we were stuck in the rain and wanted to order some drinks, but I guess they close the bar up before the theater closes, so we couldn't get anything, which kind of sucked. Finally, while this is something that Alamo has no control of whatsoever, I wish I would have met more people with how often I went. I'm a single man, and was hoping to maybe meet a single woman at some point, but I know that likely wouldn't have happened. (Note: these were very minimal downsides, and the good things completely outweighed the bad.)
I will now give the statistics in regards to my experience. I purchased 26 tickets in total: 23 regular movies, and 3 Big Shows. After adding up the cost of the Season Pass, the convenience fees, purchases of tickets for friends/family (with some taken off for them paying me back in one form or another), and the couple of times I purchased food, it comes out to about $126.09. To determine how much I saved, I looked at how much a ticket would cost normally ($16.63 for a regular show, $22.77 for a Big Show), and the cost of each individual reward I had received. If I did not have the Season Pass or the rewards, my total cost would have been about $526.89, which is about $400 and 76% in savings. In my opinion, that is a great deal for how many movies I saw.
Overall, I would say that I highly recommend getting the Season Pass, especially if you live within walking distance of the theater. I did purchase my Season Pass at a somewhat bad time, as I spent less time studying for finals or hanging out with friends before I graduate, but when I did have a lot of free time, this was a good way for me to pass the time. I hope to live closer to an Alamo in the future, as this was a great experience for me.

My son is almost 7 and for the last 4 years he has been an unbelievably picky eater. I have reached my breaking point and can’t handle it anymore. What can I do to get him to try new foods?
It started with tooth problems when he was about 2 years old. He suddenly stopped being a great eater and would scream and eat nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bananas. It went on for nearly a year and finally we found a dentist willing to see him, who confirmed that he had a bunch of dental issues because he doesn’t have enamel on his teeth. By the age of 3 we had all of the issues fixed, and have consistently kept up with dentists and maintained his teeth since then.
To this day he literally only eats nuggets/fries from McDonald’s, pb&js, pancakes, cereal, bananas/apples/oranges, tortilla chips with melted cheese, yogurt tubes/applesauce/danimals smoothies, and a few types of snack crackers like gold fish, vanilla wafers, gram crackers, popcorn and Cheetos. And of course he will always try a new ice cream flavor when given the chance. But nothing else. I know that almost all of the food he eats is literal junk and I just don’t know how to fix it. He loved all food as a baby- and the rest of our family (including my other children) only eat home cooked meals except for rarely when we eat out. Our pediatrician says that we have 2 options - ride it out and see if he will grow out of it, or only offer him what the family is eating for a couple days and no snacks to fill up on (he said that no child will ever resist food for more than 2 days before they just give up and eat what you give them) but that seems SO harsh and I don’t want to risk making this worse by stressing it. If I have to make another plate of nachos or another pb&j for this kid after cooking a healthy meal for the rest of us I might lose my mind!! I’m so fed up with the process of making him a completely separate meal for every stinking meal! Occasionally we can get him to taste 1 bite of something new, but it always comes with him throwing a huge fit and refusing for a while until he finally gives in and tastes it, but he always says “i tasted it, it’s nasty and I don’t like it and I’ll never eat it again!” and he spits it in the trash. I think he just wants to prove his point that he doesn’t like it and he refuses to like it. I think if it had been me eating like this as a child my mother would have actually just let me starve. I know other moms are gonna judge me, and I get it but I do want to mention that aside from the food issues, he is a really smart and well behaved kid- he honestly is NOT just a spoiled brat.
What would you do? Are there any tips or tricks to get this kid to try new things? Thanks for any help or advice you have.

For the past three years I've been living in an RV on my parents property. My mom has cancer and my dad works full-time, so its pretty nice being close by if they need anything, not to mention how much cheaper it is. It's connected to electricity, water and sewage, in great condition too.
Well, about 3 months ago we had a minor earthquake(southern california) and it collapsed my parents gas line, from the street all the way to the house. My dad repaired it over the course of 2 weeks. In that time they had no hot water and none if their gas appliances worked. So having the rv for showers and cooking worked out during the repairs. The problem lies with the gas inspector that came out to check the line. My dad got into a verbal argument with him, not once but three times. Gas inspector had to come back out three different times, finally passing on the last visit. He refused to quote which code my dad wasn't inline with(he was) dude was just a genuine dick. Two weeks later we had a city code enforcement worker come out and cite me for "camping", saying a neighbor complained (we know none did) and that I'm not allowed to live in my rv on the property, it's against city code. Looked it up and they're right, I get that part. I moved in with my boyfriend. The city worker did an exterior inspection after unplugging the rv from all utilities, and is now saying they need to do an interior inspection to close the case? I'm obviously not comfortable with this, and am tired of catering to their retaliation. I'm at a loss

I tried to post this Swiftlyneutral but the stupid mods kept taking it down😡😡
I’ve loved Taylor since 2008. I know every word to 98% of her songs, and I’ve seen her twice in concert. I used to think that she was this extremely kind, genuine, and giving person whose only motive was to love her fans. Recently, I’ve learned to separate the artist from the art and that we don’t know what Taylor is actually like. Since Midnights was announced, I have really hated how obviously money hungry she has become. Her merch has been an issue since she switched record labels, she continues to do absolutely nothing about it. First, there were the multiple vinyl and cd variants that were released before we even got a lead single or album. Then, there was the whole Ticketmaster debacle. She barely did anything about it which disappointed me. I still went to the eras tour and had a wonderful time! I went with my mom because she introduced me to Taylor’s music. I wanted to go again with my boyfriend in Miami but the cheapest tickets were $2,400 per ticket. That is absolutely ridiculous! She should have just done what she did for the Rep tour but nooooo she wanted more money. She continues to release multiple vinyl and cd variants way before the album drops. I’m just tired of how overtly money hungry she has become. It’s like she sees her fans as dollar bills and it’s disgusting. I know this is a hot take but her being money hungry is why I still listen to her old albums (not re-recorded) because she still makes money off of them. Now because of her wanting more money, record labels are making artists wait decades until they can re-record. Then there’s TTPD. The album was mid at best. Songs all seemed like filler. Not good lyrics, too long. ICDIWABH is one of her WORST songs. She needs an editor and not just Jack who will say yes to everything. She didn’t take any risks and it shows. The lyrics seem immature and like she hasn’t evolved.

I had posted my packing list on here before my trip and thought I would share my post trip thoughts.
Sevilla: 04May - 12May (work conference/vacation) Lisbon: 12May - 15 May (vacation)
Packing list: - Toiletries and Meds - I had brought Imodium and an antihistamine which were super helpful when I got an upset stomach and my mom developed some weird rash on her leg. I used bar shampoo/conditionebody wash/face wash that I really like. - 2 Maxi dresses - Worth the space - I really liked the maxi dresses for my work conference and walking around town on dry days - 1 Mini dress - Not worth the space - This was a last minute replacement for another maxi dress as I was worried I had too many maxi dresses. I should have just brought the 3rd maxi dress as I would have worn it more - 1 pair Comfy/dressy pants - Definitely worth the space - I wore these a ton and ended up washing them twice. They were great for the conference and day excursions - 1 pair Linen shorts - Not worth the space? - Only wore them once. Mostly because they made me realize how pale my legs were lol. I might have worn them more otherwise. - 1 pair Black leggings - Not worth the space - Kind of a waste, only wore them on the plane ride home - 1 Short sleeved blouse - Worth the space - Wore this a ton, ended up washing it twice. - 1 Sleeveless shirt - Worth the space - Good choice for wearing under the camp shirts, added some variety - 1 t-shirt - Worth the space - Wore it under the camp shirts and on the plane, definitely worth bringing - 2 button up camp shirts - Worth the space - Made my outfits a bit more tied together for the conference, but were light enough and comfortable enough to wear on day excursions. - Sweater - Worth the space - Was nice to have on the plane and when it was cooler in Lisbon - Cardigan - Not worth the space - I didn't realize it wasn100% polyester so it didn't breath at all and was way too warm. Didn't wear it at all after the first day I tried. If I had picked a different cardigan I likely would have worn it more. - Rain coat - Worth the space - Mostly just used it as a shell for when it was windy in Lisbon - Sneakers - Worth the space - Sandals - Worth the space - Flats - Not worth the space, but would pack again - I wasn't sure how casual people were going to dress at the conference. I ended up not wearing them much, but if it had skewed more business casual at the conference I would have. - Laundry supplies (clothes line, quick dry towel, no rinse detergent, dry bag) - So worth the space - I was able to do laundry in my hotel rooms twice and really maximize how much I could wear each item. Only thing I would change was I brought individual traveled sized packets of laundry detergent and in the future I would likely just bring a refillable travel bottle. - 2 pairs slip shorts - Worth the space - Absolutely clutch when wearing dresses in hot weather to prevent chub rub. - PJs / underweasocks
I forgot a sun hat, but thankfully it was very easy to buy one in Sevilla.

Hi everyone,
I was replacing a few outlets and light fixtures at a friends 190x something house he recently bought. Breaker box is from around 2001 but the house wiring itself is like a "history of house wiring" museum. There are old porcelain tubes (without any wires around them) still present next to the breaker box in the basement, old BX cable, and several generations of NM visible throughout the house.
https://imgur.com/a/XiZb2Hp
But I didn't find any actual K&T wiring until I pulled off a ceiling light fixture that had a (relatively) recent NM cable jammed into the same knockout as a much older cloth-covered cable. The "cloth" cable has a black rubber-insulated wire inside as well as an "orangeish" wire that I am guessing is a discolored old neutral? The black wire from this cable is hot when I tested it. The newer NM in the box runs to the switch that controlled this light.
That didn't sit right with me so I pulled out the pancake box (which was roughly screwed into the lathe behind the plaster ceiling with four square head drywall screws. The attached pictures are what I saw in the ceiling cavity.
Obviously there is K&T running above the ceiling (and below the floor above) but I can't be sure if the cloth wires I'm seeing here are being fed from K&T. It's hard to make out but it looks like some kind of splice that is suspiciously close to that old K&T.
What do you think is happening here and what would you do to address? I was considering pulling up a few boards from the floor above assuming they're face nailed (obviously with the power off) and investigating further before jumping to any conclusions.

So me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for three months now, we’ve been best friends for about four years before started dating. During that time she would talk about her cousin sometimes, once she told me her mom tried to get them to get together. They’re not cousins by blood but still it’s weird as fuck to me, so any ways this guy constantly likes her photos and posts she makes on Facebook. She also tells me he messages her giving her workout advice and that she finds him funny sometimes, but she swears they’re just cousins, that she would never no anything like that. Today she mentioned on the phone that they were talking last night about different techniques for working out and he sent her some links on YouTube to adjust her form. I confronted her that it’s kind of weird and her response was “that’s not even funny we’re cousins and I would never do anything” I might be overreacting a bit here but I just have a gut feeling something is off about this guy. Should I be worried about this guy or not?

Hey everyone, don't even ask me why I decided this was a good idea, but I thought it'd be fun to do an AMA discussing my YouTube career. I'm the founder of Newscape Studios and the mind behind the many YouTube channels we've created and continue to run in-house. Some of the channels include GameToons (10M+ subs), Bronzo, Maxcraft, Princesshana, and all of the Newscapepro channels. We also ran several other channels for some time like SCP Animated.
My name's Cory Crater and I started my career on YouTube back in 2010 when I signed onboard with a company called Machinima (some of you have probably heard of them). I spent my high school years creating Halo, CoD, and Minecraft videos to varying success. I hit my first million view video back in 2010 -- it was called 100 Ways to Die in Modern Warfare 2.
I continued creating machinimas for Machinima and Machinima Realm (that's a whole lotta machinima) as well as very mediocre gameplay commentaries for Machinima Respawn that did much better than they should have.
I went to college where I continued creating YouTube content on the side. I eventually dropped out in 2014 to go work at Sky Media (SkyDoesMinecraft). So I moved from New Hampshire to Seattle and it was really the beginning of a new phase of my life. About a year after working at Sky Media, I left and moved back to New Hampshire where I started the early phases of my company, Newscape Studios.
I had a lot of luck with my first channel, Newscapepro, which I had been slowly growing since I was just 12 years old. Minecraft roleplays were just popping off at the time and I wedged myself into that niche by creating machinima cutscenes for larger YouTubers and eventually creating my own full-length videos.
From there, I expanded out my content, opening up a a general gaming channel titled Newscapegames and a Minecraft PVP channel called Newscapedos (Both of those channels have since been rebranded and repurposed, though we did start a new Newscapegames several years back). At this point I was scheduling, shooting, the face on camera, editing and posting 20 videos a week. The workload was a bit overbearing.
So I brought on some help, hiring editors and renting out a small office at The Mills in Rollinsford, NH. Two of my first editors (K & Joe) are actually now my COO and CAO. We continued creating content for the various Newscape channels, but struggled with growth, as this was the time of the dreaded Adpocalypse, demonetization, and Minecraft was seemingly fading into obscurity. All of those factors tanked our revenue and we had trouble keeping the doors open on several occasions.
We finally found some stability when Fortnite came out and we launched a machinima channel -- Newscapepro Fortnite Shorts, Films & Skits. We ended up gaining a lot of traction. It was larger than anything we'd experienced before. and were not going to sit around and wait for the inevitable falling off of a new trend -- so my team (K, Joe, Ryan & my wife, Bri) packed up and moved down to Austin, Texas in hopes we could make some much-needed hires and strike while the iron's hot.
In Austin, we quickly grew from a team of 5 to 15 and then 25 in just over a year. We launched several new channels including a live action one, several more Fortnite channels, a Roblox channel, and a general gaming channel. We also had some failed attempts at channels like VRVS where we planned to go head to head in VR games.
Things changed when we started SCP Animated -- a channel where we animated stories from the SCP wiki. This was our first attempt at animation, and the channel had a great run. It also helped us establish the pipeline for GameToons, a channel where we animated parodies of the most popular videogames. GameToons ended up being our biggest channel ever. We started our Among Us Logic series right around the start of COVID and hit some wild view counts right from the start. Our first videos were 15M, 9M, 24M, and 50M views.
Last year, GameToons hit the milestone of 10 million subscribers and we received our first-ever Diamond Play Button. I took a photo with a note on it, hopefully giving me and this post some credibility. (linked below)
We're now at a point where we have ten channels that have surpassed 1M subscribers. The success we've experienced is truly humbling and honestly still baffling. So with all of that out of the way, I'm here to answer questions -- whether they be technical, from aspiring creators or just general questions about myself or my company.
Looking forward to chatting with you all!
Also, here's a photo of me with my Diamond Play Button plaque, and a note for the AMA- https://imgur.com/9hpqS7G
Hopefully that's evidence enough that I am who I say I am, but if anyone wants further verification (within reason), I'm more than happy to oblige! Thanks!

• Transphobic video using the word "tr***y"
• Referencing drag queens as clowns
• Doesn't disclose that reviews were really paid ads Edited her body for an Aerie ad, which is a brand that supposedly prides themselves on using real bodies.
• Was blocking and ignoring customers who purchased her Glamlite Paht 2 collection, never received their order, and asked about it. All of this while Glamlite was siphoning stock to CVS and also ignored customer inquiries about their overdue orders.
• Along with CVS, broke their "Beauty Unaltered" pledge by creating a display unit that is obviously filtered of the Trash Goblin’s face.
• Committed fraud by pledging that 50% of the proceeds from the Paht 2 collection would be donated to women's healthcare after the Dobbs decision. When anyone commented to ask about it, they were banned from her socials. This one is the most egregious, as there are people who might have purchased solely based on her pledge. She lied about not getting paid yet to make the donation just as the CVS distribution happened.
• She's myopic and doesn't care about her supporters, as she continually discusses her ED without the common courtesy of a trigger warning like most creators do for subjects like this. Her explanation for why she doesn't give a TW? "It doesn't trigger me, so fuck all of you." She's so disrespectful of Cody's sobriety.
• Does giveaways by making followers jump through engagement hoops to boost her profile but then didn't deliver on the giveaways.
• Begging... BEGGING.. followers on her broadcast channel to drop an emoji as a comment to inflate her engagement rate, as comments are engagement rate gold for getting paid.
• Claims she donates extra product to women's shelters, and then went on Instagram asking for suggestions on where in her area she can donate women's clothes. She's so fucking dense that she either doesn't realize the same places she supposedly donates product to is a good first start, or she outed herself as never donating before like she said she did if she doesn't know where to donate clothes locally.
• She's a terrible brand ambassador, which is on her and DBA. She went on a free Paris trip sponsored by Caudalie, and she shit talked how broken out her skin got on the trip (with the assumption she was using their products and services) and never once really hyped the brand that was paying for her to be there.
• Took money from Briogio for a campaign and at the same time posted videos about her hair falling out. She's so dumb she doesn't realize that she caused a causation comparison.
• She's lying about having clients, paying clients that aren't her friends and family. She is not a MUA or a certified in MA to do makeup.
• She brigades brands who don't do her bidding like a brat. Pottery Barn in the middle of the pandemic had shipping and quality issues. She sent her followers after them and then begged PB for more free stuff.
• She has her friends like HeartofGreg comment on her videos, which she then stiches the comment to review a product. She then takes that video and shops it to the brand to get them to sponsor the video.. and a few weeks later the video resurfaces as partner, paid partnerships, sponsorship.
• Tax fraud when handling gratis, expenses, and giveaways
• Did a giveaway for Chanel bags with Chris Appleton (Color Wow) and the Boston's Children's Hospital, which was against GoFundMe's Terms of Service. She never gave the winners their prize.
• Dogs a brand who sent her free items but then turns around and praises the brand when they pay her (She did it with Essence and KVD).
• Did a bunch of fake "pick out my wedding makeup" when she 100% knew what she was using including the fact that e.l.f. sponsored her wedding as a brand event. She says that's not true, but I can guarantee e.l.f. writes off the expenses they incurred for her wedding as a business expense.
• Lied about her YouTube page being her page. She feverously uploaded videos when she took her 5:19, baby tantrum, pity party break from TikTok but still needed to earn money. She uploaded her TikTok videos to YouTube, lied that it was her channel, and made money. If it wasn't her channel, you know she and DBA would file a cease and desist .. and win it.. to get the channel removed. It's her channel.
• Her filter usage is fraud. Period. There is no debating it. When you are getting paid to review products and apply a filter on your face and body, you are committing fraud. The viewer thinks it's the product making that effect and not really the software engineering team that created the editing app.
• With the PeeeLouish collab, they were caught pre-applying swatches from the P.Louise palette. She's also not really applying makeup in her videos. Cheeks, bronzer, and eyes are being applied off screen and she's swiping a brush making it look like she's applying it. Another sign she can't do professional makeup at all. It's all fake.
• Every ”in the wild” picture that’s not filtered shows the truth.
• She constantly lurks on other creators pages to find commenters to block when they shit talk her. Insecure much? She’ll unblock people to snark them and lurk, then block them again. We know she does this with Rich Lux.
• She supports James Charles. The grifting carnival barker loves the groomer trash.
• Community Contribution: She shits on her estranged half sister to her millions of followers, when all the evidence points to her sister being frozen out of their family at the age of 14. She claims her sister walked out of their lives because she “wasn’t the precious daughter of the family anymore” after Mikayla was born, and also talks badly about her sister for being on disability. Mikayla is an aunt to two girls, but I doubt she’s ever cared nor met them. Her sister also lived and lives right down the road from Mikayla’s parents home.
• She’s a known bully and coming from someone who’s now being regarded as an ED spokesperson. She told her friend that drinking hot chocolate would be “200 very unnecessary calories”, and that she was “just trying to help since you’re trying to lose weight” with that comment. She’s a mean girl, and she always has been.
• She cries about shade range while she brags about being soooo pale (um, really?). She releases collabs that are not inclusive for POC. She then brags about buying out and hoarding darker foundations and concealers to use as bronzers meaning the very little stock available for darker skin tones becomes even more scarce when her idiot stans buy up the product. She also blackfishes.
• She can't admit when she's wrong and aggressively lashes out to those trying to point it out. She called a comb and brush, and when corrected in her comments, she was incredibly rude to her own followers. You know, the people engaging with her content that's paying her mortgage. She is incapable of saying, "oops, my bad." Her integrity is crap for this behavior.
• Just like the above, the unwillingness to admit a simple mistake turned her into an ableist POS. There are those with low vision or no vision who listen to TikToks and rely on accuracy in speech and closed captions. Her "go fuck yourself, bro" attitude when called out about the comb incident made her incredibly ableist.
• She creates rage bait content to generate engagement gold via angry comments. This makes her a carnival barking grifter.
• She begs for engagement on her broadcast channel trying to force things to go viral like "nice and shaaaahhp." It's actually pathetic watching her do this.
• Used a derogatory term used to reference Travelers/Romani people and doubled down on it when people called her out and educated her on the use of the word.
• Lied about creating some Mother's Day shopping spree for a "family in need" saying that when she heard their story, she knew she just had to help. When asked in the comments about the story, she played the, "It's not my story the tell." Come to find out, the story is that the child goes to the school that Mikayla's mom works at. There was a raffle at the school, and one of the prizes was a $500 shopping trip with MikPickMe. The girl's mom paid for 40 entries to win the raffle, and she did. The only reason the shopping was done on Mother's Day was due to conflicting schedules. This was not a shopping spree for a family in need. It was a prize from a raffle that Mikayla's mommy had a hand in.
• MikLieHole took Rael's money and trip and went in days earlier with her emotional support animal, Codypendency, and did meetings with a competitor, Tirtir. Tirtir gifted her a Birkin while in South Korea, too.

I 24F got into a three day argument with my Boyfriend 30M for dumb reasons I have apologized for numerous times. He hasn’t apologized for any of it at btw. We talked last night after I went to my moms house because I got upset with him when he was saying he wasn’t upset with me but wasn’t doing the little things he would normally do showing me he was still upset with me over all this. His excuses were I’m not emotionally ready to be around his kids, he was upset about a comment about his grandmas dog, and other comments he couldn’t even tell me. He was upset I just acted normal when I came back home for a blip to get a couple things and when I gave him a smirk when I first left to go to my moms.
Here is my side of this first one I am emotionally ready for his kids he is only saying this cause I keep asking for alone time because I need a break from time to time. I personally am getting overstimulated at work, then we have to drive to his moms house and get his kids and there are 5 kids all under the age of 10 which require a lot of attention so I’m getting overstimulated there. 3 of them are his sisters who live there with his parents. He has a 2 and 3 year old. We get home I don’t get time to wind down and relax I do my hw and go to bed cause I’m so tired and then we get up and go back to his moms with kids and all those kids are still there and sometimes more of them are there. All I asked is for one day to myself so I can relax and decompress and sometimes I only need to do it for a couple hours and be in mind you these are our days off as well. I get told oh you don’t want to spend time with me or the kids or oh you don’t love me and the kids and I call him out on that and I tell him no that’s not true and he knows it. He expects me to be this super woman but I have to be able to get a moment of peace to be the best I can be.
Second one yes that one was an bad comment and I can fully agree to that I should’ve been more supportive but instead of calling me out on it he held onto it and is making it a bigger deal then it really is.
Thirdly this all started when I rushed myself to the ER cause I had light headed/dizzyness, my whole body was hot, I wanted to puke, and I started bleeding down there. My mom freaked me out and told me it could be the start of sepsis and I needed to go asap. He wanted me to wait 20-30mins for him to figure out what to do with his kids. I told him I couldn’t wait and went to the ER. Instead of continuing to try and find someone to watch the kids he gave up and sat in the bed watching his car show and sat on his phone and argued with me the whole time I was in the hospital. Where I was scared and wanted him by my side. All he needed to tell me was I’m sorry I can’t find anyone to watch the kids but I’m here for you and you will be okay. No I got argued for not waiting for him and I should’ve waited and all this other garbage. Things were definitely said especially on both sides and I did apologize for what I said and my actions but he is continuing to blame me.
We talked about it all last night and he couldn’t give me an answer where we are at. His answer is idk I need to think. I forgave him for so much garbage and what he has done to me that just because I have been crabby, sick, tired, and want a little bit of alone time he can’t forgive me. He got so drunk last Wednesday he could even change his kids diapers let stay awake long enough to say bye to them when his ex came and got them. Then I called him out on it when we got home and he yelled at me in my face and told me to leave but I didn’t I stayed at his lowest point. He has told me if I was pregnant by b***ch there’s the door leave. The doctors thought I could have been having a miscarriage because of switching birth controls or pregnant and he wouldn’t have cared and hasn’t.
Honestly I’m not sure where we stand either idk what to do. I’m tired of always being the bad guy in his eyes. I’m tired of always having to be 100% for him and if I’m not I’m this horrible human being. If he can’t forgive me for a couple comments then why do I have to alway forgive him for his mistakes and hurtful words. Btw I had sever dehydration and complications from a sinus infection.
I’m also in a pickle cause if we do break up I’m still going to have to live with him regardless till I can find a place to live. I have gone down the mom route but she has told me I am not allowed to move back in with her I have to get my own place. I also did inform him of this in our talk.

Have you ever experienced something that shook you to your very core? Something that makes you remember every single little detail of your surroundings from that moment in time? Even years after? I can remember so vividly the moment I realized something was wrong with me. I was in my junior year of high school sitting in class, just like any other day. I remember the smell of erasers and cheap cologne that permeated off my classmate who sat next to me. I remember the scratchy tag on my t-shirt and how I was resisting taking it off in the middle of class just to cut it off. I remember what my teacher, Mrs. Brown, was talking about; 'the fall of Constantinople'. My mouth felt dry and I kept looking at the clock, counting down the minutes until I had lunch so I could get a soda. The sound of a pen clicking behind me was synchronized with the song that was stuck in my head.
All those things were going through my brain at once. My ADHD mind went a million miles per minute when it all came down to a cashing holt when I felt it at 11:23
I felt what I can only describe as a hand grabbing at the inner lining of my stomach. It didn't necessarily hurt, not at this point. That's not why I got so scared. You see, not only do I have ADHD. I also have OCD that manifests itself in the fear of anything growing or moving inside me. Even if I think about the concept of blood moving in my body or a heart that is beating in my chest, I have to think of something else. I've had full-blown panic attacks because of it. The closest term for this is 'Tokophobia'. That's technically the fear of pregnancy. I'm a guy, so it's not completely accurate but it's really the closest term. I mean, I also do have a huge fear of pregnancy. Not necessarily of me being pregnant, but even though I knew I could never get pregnant, the thought of it still made me feel sick
I bet you can imagine the terror that overcame me as I felt something moving in me. I made an audible groan and grabbed my stomach. My whole class turned to look at me. even my teacher stopped talking to ask if I was okay. I stood up and started to run to the nurses' office without even acknowledging my teacher. My first thought wasn't thinking that something was actually in my body. Even stomach aches and the feeling of gurgling in my stomach made me feel this way before. I didn't have anything on hand to help with a stomach ache, unfortunately. However, the nurse always did.
I sprinted across the school hoping and praying that my stomach wouldn't make that awful feeling again before I got there.
I turned the corner into the nurses' office with my tennis shoes squeaking in the process. I saw the school nurse, Mrs. Kennedy sitting on the couch in her office reading a magazine. She looked up at me with a sweet smile that quickly turned into worry.
"Sam, what is it? How can I help?" She said as she stood up and hurried over to me. Putting her hand over mine which was grabbing my stomach tightly.
"It's…It's my stomach. Something is wrong with it." I mumbled with a red face.
She shuffled her way over to her large medicine cabinet and she motioned for me to sit down.
She asked me questions about my stomach. Asking if it was pain, grumbling, cramps, nausea, etc. As she was asking me what my symptoms were and digging through bottles, The feeling happened again. However, this time was different. It felt like fingers grassing against the inside of my body. I screamed and wrapped my arms around my torso. Mrs. Kenneddy ran over to me to comfort me.
"This seems a lot worse than normal, maybe we should call your parents." She said as she put her hand on my back.
It felt like some days I saw Mrs. Kennedy more than my teachers. Any small ailment would distract me so badly from class that I had to go see her. Sometimes multiple times a day. She knew at this point when something was really wrong.
Within about 30 minutes both my parents were there with us. That may seem fast, but I'm an only child and my parents are very aware of my tendencies. They know I can spiral and like to be around if it happens.
They kept asking me where the pain was. I think they assumed by the way I wasn't responding to their questions the pain must've been really bad. The reality was that I just didn't know how to tell them what was going on.
I got so frustrated after they asked me over and over again that I just yelled at them.
"Something is inside me! Get it out, get it out, get it out!" I lifted my shirt and was ripping at my stomach. Leaving red nail scratches and cuts. My mom and dad ran to either side of me to grab my arms. Mrs. Kennedy had seen me go pretty crazy, but this was the worst I've ever gotten in front of her. My parents however had seen a similar situation before. Not exactly like this, but they didn't skip a beat on trying to help me.
"Sam. Breath, sweety. Just remember everything is in you for a reason. It's keeping you alive. Nothing is going to hurt you." My mom said softly to me. Trying to calm me down with the words my therapist gave her. "Ice cubes, get him ice cubes!" She said to Mrs. Kennedy as I started to hyperventilate.
Mrs. Kennedy grabbed a ziplock bag and started to fill it with ice cubes. My mom went over to her and grabbed an ice cube right out of the bag, opened up my hand, and put the ice cube in it. This worked in the past to distract me, I knew that's what she was doing, and trust me. I wanted it to work too, but this was different. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just a different feeling I hadn't felt before. That it wasn't possible something was physically inside my body. But I couldn't help it.
Everyone in the room could see that this was getting intense. I think they assumed it was just a mental breakdown and that nothing was physically wrong with my body but I didn't care. I just wanted help.
My parents got me into the car with my mom even sitting in the backseat with me. She kept trying to distract me with conversation but my mind was only on that awful feeling in my stomach.
We pulled up to the ER and my mom guided me in while holding both my wrists. It felt like she was walking me on a leash but I didn't fight it. I knew she was just trying to stop me from scratching my stomach.
We walked in and I spoke to the receptionist. All I said was that I had terrible pain in my stomach. I didn't want to sound too crazy. I just needed a doctor to look at whatever was going on.
After giving the receptionist my name and insurance information we went to sit down. I was sitting in between my parents and I could see my mom lean back to try and mouth something to my dad without me seeing. I didn't think much of it. I was way more worried about other things.
My dad then went up to the receptionist. He pointed over to me and she looked a little concerned. I saw her pick up the clipboard that had my information on it and she started writing something else on it. I asked my dad what he did and he just said to not worry and that he wanted to let her know it was urgent.
No more than 10 minutes went by and I felt a terrible moving sensation. I cringed and grabbed my stomach. Immediately followed by not just the feeling of a hand grabbing my insides but also scratching and pinching. I yelled out in pain as the other people in the waiting room looked at me mortified.
A doctor and a couple of nurses came running over to me and helped me up. But I couldn't stand up. I was in too much pain. They put me in a wheelchair and started to head for a room. However, they didn't take me through the normal big ER doors that went to the standard examination rooms, they took me and my parents through a smaller door to the side that had a padlock on it.
We walked through a white hallway that was very quiet. The doctor and nurses showed us to my room and helped me into my bed as I was wiggling and wincing. I had one parent on either side of me. Patiently waited to stop my arms from scratching.
The doctor was trying to ask further questions but he could tell it wasn't going anywhere. I knew that my dad probably told that receptionist about my OCD tendencies and that I needed to go to the psych ward. Not just to the stranded side of the ER.
I couldn't take it anymore and blurted out that something was inside my stomach and it was trying to get out.
The doctor just looked at my parents for a reaction and they gave him a sad nod. It was like they warned him that this could happen. The doctor didn't just think I was crazy, my parents did too. The doctor took a deep breath and came up to me. I knew I was about to hear some kind of dumb speech about how this was just my OCD and everything was going to be okay.
As he came closer to me, I pulled up my shirt and he gasped. Not only was my stomach scratched up like crazy, but we saw movement. It looked like when a pregnant woman can see her baby kicking. But this was so much stronger. It was stretching my skin.
My parents stood up and gasped while the doctor looked frantic and unprepared.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" The doctor said as he backed out of the room. "Hang on! We are getting this taken care of, just hang tight."
Just seconds later a nurse came in to give me some painkillers. I started to feel the pain slip away, but something so much worse started to creep in. I heard a voice. Not my own. Not some creepy-sounding creature, but the voice of a normal-sounding man that I'd never heard before. But that wasn't the scary part. The scary part was what he was saying to me.
"Get me out. Get me out. Get me out!"
It started in a normal tone, but slowly became more urgent and rushed. Then demanding.
The voice would coincide with the moment inside me.
It was getting so loud that I was having a hard time hearing the people around me. The doctor came in just a few minutes after I last saw him. He was red and sweaty. Like he'd just run a marathon. He told me they needed to do just a few tests on what was inside me before taking action.
I was trying so hard to pay attention to the words coming out of his mouth but all I could hear was the voice. The voice stopped for just a second and changed what he was saying. Now he started repeating,
"Cut me out, cut me out, cut me out, now!" I now knew this thing didn't just want out but it wanted out now. I begged the doctor to just get it out now but he wouldn't listen. The voice spoke up again.
"This is taking too long. Don't be afraid. Get me out yourself."
I think it could feel me resisting. Without realizing it, I was looking around the room for something. It was like I didn't even have control over my head or eyes anymore. I knew the voice was looking for a knife but I was trying to ignore the feeling. I knew there weren't any knives around. I was in a very safe place.
Just as I had the feeling I was safe, it was immediately taken away. The thought passed through my head that my dad probably had a pocket knife on him. My heart sank. I knew this thing could hear my thoughts. I knew what it would try to do.
The next thing I knew, I was on my feet, leaping for my dad. My body hit his. luckily, he's in pretty good shape for his age and had no problems putting me in my place.
He got on top of me and pinned me to the ground. All while I could barely hear my mom in the background. Yelling at my dad to be careful. My dad knew something was going on and that I just needed to be on the ground until I calmed down.
My body tried to flail but it wasn't successful. The whole time the voice in my head, now yelling and screaming. Not saying any distinguishable words, but just having what felt like a tantrum. What made my dad the most uncomfortable was the kicking feeling coming from my stomach.
After a couple of minutes, the voice calmed down and I felt in charge of my body again. My dad slowly got up and attempted to help me up. At this point with an audience of hospital staff that looked like they were getting ready to take me somewhere for more tests.
Just as I stood up straight, I felt the voice take over and I lost all sense of my own body. I felt like a shell of myself. My dad gave me a soft yet worried smile, and in that instance, I grabbed him and reached into his pocket. My heart sank as I felt his pocket knife. The room started to panic and about 5 people tried to grab it from me. The last thing I remember is plunging the knife into my stomach. I felt a blinding pain and everything went black.
Several hours later I started to wake up. Everything was extremely blurry and fuzzy. I could hear a very faint voice telling me to relax. As the minutes passed by, things started to become a little bit clearer. I looked around and saw I was in a large room with a few other patients. A nurse was going up to all the beds and checking in on them. I tried to sit up a bit to get more comfortable and noticed an incredible sourness in my stomach. I moved my hospital gown out of the way and saw a huge scare. About 6" across. Most of the scare looked very surgical. Like what I'd imagine a c-section surgery would look like. Except where I remembered the knife going in. It looked like a bunch of extra stitches had to be added where it went in. It also looked pretty bruised. I can imagine that a dull 10-year-old knife that was harshly shoved into a body really wouldn't cleanly cut through and leave some damage.
The feeling of shock from looking at my stomach was quickly gone when I realized that meant whatever was in me was now gone. I didn't hear the voice, I didn't feel a hand in my gut anymore, I didn't see that vile kicking anymore. I felt like I could breathe.
I asked the nurse what they found and she looked flush.
"Uh, that's something that you, uh. Your doctor will talk with you once you eat something and can speak clearly." She said as she scurried off looking upset.
Shortly after that, I was wheeled into a recovery room and my parents came to see me.
As they walked in they had a very similar look on their faces as the nurse did. They looked pale and didn't want to look me in the eye. I kept asking them questions about what was going on but they said the doctor needed to discuss it with me and he wanted to make sure I wasn't feeling high from the anesthesia while we had a conversation.
The doctor didn't come and see me for another 10 hours. Which felt strange. And to add to the strangeness, my parents were taking shifts hanging out with me. There was only overlap when they switched and the other parent took over while the other one left the room. I would understand if they weren't both with me for the whole time. I'm not that needy, but they were only both in my room together for about an hour. That was the hour before the doctor came to my room.
Finally, the doctor came in to talk to me. When he walked in, the room was cold and quiet. It was evident he didn't feel the same relief I was feeling.
He seemed awkward. Like he was talking way too long to get over to me. He grabbed a chair and scooted it close to me.
"Listen Sam. I know this last 24 hours has been very challenging. I apologize for not explaining what happened during your surgery sooner, but we all needed time to figure it out, and quite frankly, process what happened. We feel we have enough information to let you in on what is going on." A silence filled the room. It felt like no one was brave enough to break it.
"And?" I said with confusion.
"I think it'll be easier if we just show you."
The doctor along with my parents helped me into a wheelchair and we started to make our way across the hospital to an entirely different section. I couldn't believe all the things running through my head at what we were about to see. It felt like cruel and unusual punishment to leave me in anticipation and not just tell me what I was about to see.
When I went around the corner I couldn't process what I was looking at. I thought they were showing me a large tumor or growth of some kind, but why would a tumor be in a big incubation chamber with tubes connected to IVs and machines coming out of it?
As I got closer, I started to see human fetchers on it. It was mostly just a 6-pound lump of flesh, but I could see a hand sticking out of it. It was small, but what made it creepy was it looked like a fully developed man's hand. Just small. I could see a patch of hair coming out of what I assumed was its head. It had no discernible facial features. Just a few teeth scattered in one section.
As I looked at it with disgust, coming to terms with this thing that was just in my body, I had a realization. I wasn't feeling sick at the thought of something being in my body. Sure, I was grossed out that this particular thing was just in me, but the thought of the bacteria in my body didn't make me want to throw up. I thought about all the blood pumping through my veins and I felt… normal. Not only was the voice and kicking gone. But my OCD was gone too. I didn't have a mental illness. It was just this thing. Trying to find its way out for years.
As I was staring at the creature, the doctor came and put his hand on my shoulder.
"We believe this is your twin brother." I immediately looked up at my parents who looked very disturbed and upset. I let the doctor finish talking. "We believe that you absorbed him in the womb and that he has been living inside you your whole life. This is an extremely rare condition called fetus-in-fetu. It seems he didn't quite have the best opportunity to develop normally. That's why he looks the way he does. Despite his appearance, he has all the organs he needs to survive. Looks like he's missing a lung and his gallbladder. Also a piece of his liver but other than that, it looks like he will live for at least a few years. He won't be able to leave this room due to him needing a feeding tube and a few other things that his body can not do on its own. He needs lots of support just to live. What makes this situation extremely unique is that your twin is still alive despite your body not sustaining him anymore. Even though we have him hooked up to a few IVs and machines, It is unexplainable how he is living while outside of your body."
I was in complete shock. I didn't want to believe it. I asked my mom why she never told me I absorbed my twin in the womb, she said she had no clue. There was never a sign when she was pregnant with me.
He also mentioned that sometimes even in pregnancies women will go their whole pregnancy without even getting a belly. It's called a 'Cryptic pregnancy'. I've always had a bit of a gut but never anything big enough to cause suspicion. I guess in my case I had a fetus-fetu and an experience similar to a cryptic pregnancy. Even though it was in my stomach. At least that was the doctor's best guess. Although, it all sounded like BS to me.
The doctor and my parents kept trying to explain more and more details to me. I don't know why they didn't slow down a little bit for my sake. How could they not tell I wasn't processing any of this?
I noticed something while they were trying to explain things to me. They kept calling it a 'He'.
Now listen. I'm not some kind of asshole that won't respect someone who wants to be called a specific pronoun. I've never been that kind of person. But this is where I draw the line.
Not just that. But this thing had a name. My parents named it and said today was its birthday. While they told me all this information, they didn't look happy about it. It seemed like they were forced to do all this nonsense. And now it was my turn to be convinced. I could tell they were trying to force it.
The doctor told me despite it not having a high probability for a long life that we should still try and give it the love it deserves. Of course, the doctor referred to it as a 'He' but I refused to.
This disgusted me. This thing tried to kill me and ruined my quality of life for so long, and now we are going to treat it like it's some kind of prince? No, absolutely not.
Luckily, it seemed like it would never leave the hospital, but my parents planned on going to visit it daily. Visiting it? Are you kidding me? it has no eyes, no ears, it's probably miserable and has no concept of people even being around it.
I'm refusing to ever see this thing again or acknowledge its existence again.
I could get in trouble for even talking about this. The hospital or anyone involved has signed NDAs to not share any information about this until it officially dies. This is because it's a medical anomaly and the first of its kind. They want to do the proper research on how this all occurred before coming out with a statement. I just have to get this all off my chest. I feel like I'm the crazy one here when I know I'm not. I don't care if I get in trouble.
I am scared that the doctors are trying to force my parents into giving this thing a proper life. I think that's why it took them so long to tell me. I think they scared my parents into keeping it alive and guilting them or even forcing them into being its parent.
I'm all for every life being important and all that stuff, but I have a feeling my parents are terrified of this thing just like I am.
I am convinced they gaslit my parents into believing this thing is my brother. If there wasn't any sign of him while my mom was pregnant with me, could this thing be something else?
This all happened about two years ago. It's still alive and they are still researching it. My parents continue to visit it despite everything. My therapist told me that I'm probably just struggling with jealousy now that I'm not an only child anymore and so much of my parents' attention is on him now, but it's so much bigger than just jealousy.
Since this thing showed up and my OCD is pretty much gone, I've hardly seen my parents. I know I'm not just jealous. There is something more to this. I know it.
Something just feels so off about this whole thing. What is this thing? Where did it come from? And what does it want?

My neighbors have been talking crap about me since I have moved into my apartment. I share walls with each neighbor, so I can hear them audibly insult me/talk about me. I ignored it for a while but just responded back last night. It hasn't gotten any better and now they are spreading rumors/telling lies to their guests about me, banging on my wall while I try to sleep.
A friend of mine told me to make black salt, spread it on my windows/front door, and I've also prayed psalm 91/put anointing oil my mom prayed over. Also did hot foot powder that said to put it in all my drains and say "Leave me alone, etc". I saw no results from that. What else can I do to stop their gossip?

DISCLAIMER: I did not transcribe this myself, though I could. I had a machine do it, and then the machine threw up afterwards -- but I did go through and add some bullety points while Jamie shot off her mouth. It's a total word salad, but one has only to skim through and see the number of ways she yawns and yawps and contradicts herself ... and does not take a breath, so there is very little punctuation. Again it's a run-on slog and the AI program chose to only use periods to end 70-some sentences because of all the run-on "like ... you know ... and ... but" instances as she ran with it -- with NO BOUNDARIES WHATSOVER. I did take out the kids' names, and I did search-and-replace all instances of "to" with "tuh" because that IS how they talk!
ENJOY -- and I use that word lightly:
AND SO IT BEGINS WITH Doug wishing Happy Mother's Day … and immediately Jamie corrects him, "Well, not really Mother's Day …" since they are recording after Mother's Day. Got get those Doug corrections in toot sweet, lest he thinks he has a mind of his own.
They note they tend to be "a little late on things," but they are "trying to get better about that." Doug says they had a fantastic Mother's Day, and he asked her if she had a good time. She said she had a great time. Doug wrote Happy Mother's Day on some cards and the kids drew on them. He gave her an eyelash waxing and noted probably a bad idea. She said it wasn't that she wasn't thrilled as she did mention that pregnancy makes her eyebrows bushy, but she was scared, maybe just mentioned she'd need to tweeze, but oh, well, yes, she likes his gift.
Jamie noted that it was "just the four of us" and of course, the babies in her belly, and that was fine with her – until her son's birthday of course, when she noted that their entire families suck!
So onto her son's birthdays and THESE GEMS AND THOUGHTS: I think it's just pregnancy hormones, but honestly, like, I just, I just can't, like, I don't know why, like, I guess, like, you know, ever since I was little, I've always really, really wanted family, like, so badly, like, I wanted just, like, deep connections with people who truly love me, and I truly love them, and we just really, truly support each other, and just, I don't know, I think, like, just pregnancy hormones made me think about it, but, like, yesterday for Son's birthday, and just family members who just completely forgot, and they just don't care, and I'm like, is it me? Is it him?
Like, and I don't want my son tuh grow, like, he doesn't know, and he'll never know, because I'll make sure, I mean, I spent every second, that boy had no second tuh think yesterday, like, I picked him up from school, and I took him tuh the library, because that's where he wanted tuh go, and then we, like, you know, we really love surprises in this family, if that's not clear by now, and so Daughter and I surprised him with a splash pad, like, we went tuh the splash pad for the first time, and we never do things like that on a school night, and so, and then he got tuh go pick out a cake that he wanted, and then Doug had dinner already at home, and then also we had decorations in his bedroom, which I was, like, hoping tuh have for the morning, but then Doug was, like, at, like, midnight, when we're, like, thinking about starting tuh blow up the balloons, Doug is like, Jamie, let's just surprise him tomorrow after school.

(Notice she takes no breath … and also they were super-last minute when it came tuh getting ready for his birthday, versus, what we have all mentioned, that isn't so when it's a gender reveal or a party or pickleball or something FOR HER.)
HERE, DOUG ASKS … "WHY, ARE WE GONNA DO THIS NOW?" AND THIS WAS PRETTY MUCH THE LAST EFFORT HE MADE tuh STOP HER BECAUSE SHE WENT ON WITH: Yeah, because it was so late, but I was like, I just have, like, this vision that I just wanted for him, because, you know, I'm just trying tuh give them the childhood that, like, I would have wanted, that any little kid would want, and really all that involves is truly just two loving parents who are there, and, like, that's really all that really involves, but if I can go a little extra, you know, and surprise him, and I, then I want to, you know, and so, you know.
DOUG NOTES THAT HE DOESN'T THINK THEY KNOW ANY DIFFERENT, AND HE CONTINUES WITH: I don't think they really know any different, you know, and I know, I know it's, it's tough, and I think, especially with, like, little kids, you know, they, they won't necessarily feel the impact and that want, you know, and, and I know that you do, and it, it hurts me that, you know, you would, you would want people tuh care enough to, tuh reach out, and I think, you know, for, for me, I, that's, I don't really set my expectations or, or give those expectations tuh son and daughter.
JAMIE BLASTS BACK, SUPER-DEFENSIVELY: Oh, I do not either, though. I do not at all. I don't say a thing tuh them about anything, because, you know, sometimes people miss their – you know, and that happens sometimes, but when it's, like, over, and over, and over again, and, like, it's just so obvious, and, and people ask us why we moved tuh Florida, and don't we want tuh be near family, and, you know, tuh be very honest, this is why.
Like, we, you know, I, we would fly up there tuh try tuh prove, like, hey, listen, we're not just trying tuh leave, though. Like, we, we, I want that family connection so badly with your family, with my family, and it's just, you know, unfortunately, it's, people are in different stages of life. I try tuh make excuses, like, for them, and, you know, for us, and it's probably not personal, but the point of the matter is, is that whether it's not personal, and people are busy, and whatever the case may be, we don't have that family connection.
We just don't, and I'm, I try tuh nurture it, and, um, you know, and we do with some family members, and then just others, you know, you just, it's just. Well, you can't help but be disappointed. Yeah, and, like, I guess my heart hurts, because I want our son, and our daughter, and our children tuh have just so many people who love them, and want tuh be around them, and who will encourage them, and support them, and.
DOUG NOTES THAT HE THINKS FAMILY KNOW ALL OF THIS AND THAT THEY, THE KIDS KNOW HOW MUCH LOVE THEY HAVE FOR THEM, AND ALL THE EFFORTS THEY PUT FORTH, AND HERE HE SAYS, "Especially you," AND THAT ALL OF THIS IS WHAT MATTERS MOST.
JAMIE'S REBUTTAL: Yeah, I know, but Doug, what I'm trying tuh say is that, like, what I would want for them is them tuh have many people who love them, and, like, you know, like, I always wanted, you know, it's not even a secret, like, way back, I'm married at first, like, the one thing I wanted was tuh marry into a family, like, a big loving family that would welcome me as their own, and, and I'm really thankful for your family, and, yeah, but, like, I just feel like, like, I want that for our kids. Like, I wanted them tuh have people who loved them, who wanted tuh come around them.
Like, my, my siblings and I really didn't have many aunts or uncles or grandparents who, I mean, you know, it's kind of, it's so long, because, like, there are some people who were there, but it was, like, toxic, and aye, aye, aye, it's just, you know, it's just, at the end of the day, I'm pregnant, and it's just hormones, and I know our kids feel nothing but loved, but it's just really evident, like, on a birthday or holidays, like, people who, who actually, like, family who actually truly cares for us, and, like, all I've ever wanted was just our, like, I, I don't know why I care about these people caring about me, when, like, they don't care, and it's okay, and that's, that's, it's okay.
Like, it, I'm trying so hard tuh just be, like, accept it, girl. Like, you know, you can't force family tuh love you.
JAMIE TRIES TO DIFFUSE THE TIMEBOMB SITUATION THAT IS HIS WIFE, CLEARLY GOING OFF ON EVERYBODY BY SAYING HE KNOWS THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT THIS FOR THEM BUT THAT THEY, THE KIDS, DON'T EVEN NOW ABOUT ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.
JAMIE'S REBUTTAL: Well, I know they don't, and so, at the end of the day, I was, like, sitting in bed crying earlier, and I was, like, what is wrong with me, because I know my son had a great birthday yesterday. Like, I made sure of it.
DOUG NOTES SHE "KILLED IT, YESTERDAY."
JAMIE BLASTS ON: At the end of the day, I think, like, it's a personal thing, because it's, like, they don't care about me, and therefore, they don't care about my son, and that hurts, you know? Like, it's just hurtful, and not, because I care about them, and I love them, and I've tried so hard tuh be part of them, and, and try to, like, I've tried changing my ways. I've tried tuh adapt tuh be more like them.
I've tried all these different things. At the end of the day, nothing I do, like, I may as well just be myself, and, and, because if I have tried tuh be like them, they don't like me. If I try tuh be myself, they don't like me.
Like, no matter what, like, I don't feel like, I feel like they're, I'm just kind of judged by them in the way that I live my life, and anyways, it's fine, but.
DOUG COUNTERS IT WITH THE FACT THAT JAMIE GOES "ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR EVERYBODY," AND THAT IT'S TOUGH THAT SHE "WANTS OR EXPECTS THAT IN RETURN," BUT NOTES THAT THIS IS ALSO MAYBE WHERE THE "BOUNDARIES" LIE … cool, they now have a title for the podcast!
JAMIE CONTINUES tuh BLAST: Well, no, of course, and this is exactly why I'm also crying happy tears, because for so long, I just really tried tuh nurture, like, a true, like, true family, and deep connection, and like, try tuh be, like, really close, and, and it's like, well, if you're the only person nurturing that, you're bound tuh get hurt. It's bound, it's not going tuh happen ever, because it has tuh be a two-way street, and so, unfortunately, like, I started putting up boundaries, and I knew it was going tuh hurt, and like, here it is. It's, it's hurting, you know, like, and then inevitably, they'll be like, you know, you moved tuh Florida, but even when we didn't live in Florida, let's be honest, like, we didn't see family very often, unless, like, it was, it just, unless it was us going places, and then even when we moved here, I would fly up there.
I flew up, we were flying up there, like, once a month. It was so expensive. It was so taxing, but I just wanted to, tuh kind of prove, hey, listen, like, but, you know, I'm so glad we moved here, because at the end of the day, you know, even if we never even find our own people, like, our focus is on our core family, like, we had zero distractions for Son yesterday, like, his birthday was the hundred, like, and it's just, that feels good, because normally, we wouldn't have that. Yeah, normally, I would be cleaning the house, trying tuh prep for people tuh come over, who I would have called 10 times, make sure they remember that he's coming, and it's like, or that his birthday is coming, and it's like, it's just, you know, this is such a vulnerable, I don't even know if I want tuh share any of this, because it's just so personal, but.
DOUG NOTES THAT ALL REFLECTS MORE ABOUT OTHERS AND NOT AN ATTACK ON JAMIE.
AND YET JAMIE CONTINUES TO DEFLECT AND ATTACK: No, I don't think it is either, but it's just very evident where people, like, if people care about us and our family, I don't think they actually, that's the thing, is they don't, like, and so, they're not thinking about it one way or the other, it doesn't even matter tuh them, and that's what hurts, because I wish that they cared about us the way that we cared about them, but they don't, and so, that's why I'm trying tuh have the boundaries tuh be like, find people who will care about you then, or just focus on your own family, and if people wonder why I want so many kids, well, there you go. People constantly say, why don't you love the two you have?
Oh, of course I do, and I'll tell you what, I want tuh have 10 more, because I want tuh raise them in a way where we love each other, we're always there for each other, we don't forget. It's just silly little milestones, it's not about presents, it's not about anything other than just love, and remembrance, and just, like, celebrating each other, and I am going tuh raise my kids tuh just really love each other, and tuh know that their parents love them, but God forbid, one of us are taken, and then, then it's like, I think about things like that, and I'm like, who do they have if they don't have us? Like, seriously, and that scares the crap out of me, because there are very few people who even remember, like, and tuh me, it's just a birthday, I know, it doesn't really matter, but like, that's of significance tuh that child, and people just don't care, like, they just, our fam, so many of our family members just don't care. Well, we make, we make it, and then I'm like, am I making a mountain out of a molehill, but like, and am I?
DOUG ALSO THINKS ABOUT THEM "DEPARTING EARLY" AND WHAT HAPPENS tuh THEM.
JAMIE BUSTS BACK IN, AND STARTS tuh TALK ABOUT "ESTATE PLANNING," WHICH SORT OF MADE ME SIDEYE BECAUSE SHE GOES ON tuh TALK ABOUT THE KIDS AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM, AS IF THEY WERE PART OF THE "ESTATE," BUT I GUESS SINCE THEY ARE THE MONEYMAKERS SHE THINKS OF IT MORE IN THAT WAY THAN GUARDIANSHIP PAPERWORK … AND SO SHE CONTINUES: Well, when you think about estate planning, and then who you're leaving your kids to, and I'm like, who can I leave my kids to, who are really going tuh love them, and the people right now didn't even call tuh wish him happy birthday, they didn't even call tuh wish him a happy birthday, they didn't send a gift, and it's not even about the gift, but it's about the thought, who do we have in our life, Doug? I don't think it's, you know, I ask if I think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but then I, like, I almost, like, talk, like, convince myself that, no, I'm not, like, I'm really trying tuh make sure that our kids are taken, like, loved and taken care of, and sure, we've got it out, down pat, but what happens, like, then what?
And like, I'm not gonna go down that rabbit hole, and I'm sure this is all pregnancy hormones, and I'm just exhausted and tired, so, but I just think about these things, and then, and then people wonder why I am so thankful for our followers, for those of you listening tuh the podcast, and those of you who follow us on Instagram and YouTube, and who are just excited for us, because a lot of our own family members aren't, like, it's just wild, and so, yeah, and so thank you for those of you listening, and for those of you who comment, and just, you know, just are excited to, like, like, tuh be part of our family, like, because we have forever been looking for that, and, like, our family's just not that interested, and we could try, and try, and try.
DOUG: Out of sight, out of mind.
JAMIE BINGOS!!!!! THAT THOUGHT AND CONTINUES: Yeah, it's, and it's fine, but I'll tell you what, I genuinely do appreciate every single five-star review, every single, like, nudge that you just, every single moment that you take out of your life just tuh be like, hey, what's up with Jamie, you know, and that's why I try tuh do giveaways, and I try to, you know, like, read your five-star reviews, and I try tuh show you that I genuinely care about you, too, because I really think that it is a two-way street with everything in life, like, so whether it's, you know, family, it's friends, it's working, it's, we're colleagues, like, if someone is showing you a lot of, you know, any support, or encouragement, or care, like, then that's the person that you should then go show love, support, and encouragement, and care to, whether they're family or not, and unfortunately, if family doesn't seem tuh show you that, well, then you do have tuh set up boundaries, and it hurts, like, h-e-l-l, because then you'll start to, when you stop reaching out as much, well, then you'll start seeing that your relationship becomes even more distant, but you can't constantly break your back tuh try tuh make relationships.
DOUG NOTES THAT THEY EITHER STEP UP OR DON'T, AND THAT’S WHERE IT LANDS.
JAMIE CONTINUES: Yeah, but from what, from my experience, from what we've experienced, you know, no one really steps up, and it's pretty evident when you start, when you realize you have tuh make a boundary with a person, like, just know in your heart that it's gonna hurt, like, you know, and I'm sure that we're, I'm not the only person going through this, and that's, I think, why it's important tuh share, is that, you know, because it's hard tuh share these things.
It's embarrassing. It's, I feel, it's almost, like, belittling. It's like, like, you know, it's like you're, you're sharing that you're rejected, essentially.
Who wants tuh share that? Like, who wants tuh admit that? But the truth is, is that we all have been there, and so I think that the biggest way tuh heal, and what I've learned is, of course, tuh find, to, like, lean in on the people who don't, like, desert you, betray you, talk behind your back.
I mean, that's the thing, is people who also, who are there, but they're really, like, kind of a snake in disguise, and, like, it's, like, like, they, it seems like they're there for you, but then behind, but you're walking on eggshells around them, because you know that they're saying things behind your back, and that's not, that's not healthy either, and so what I've really tried tuh do is really just focus on people that have really just been loving and nurturing, and the more people are loving and nurturing tuh me, whether they're family or not, the more I will lead, like, reach into them, and...
DOUG BUSTS IN TO TAKE A "QUICK PAUSE" FOR AN AD, IRONICALLY ABOUT INVESTING AND GOOD FINANCIAL HYGEINE.
JAMIE GETS RIGHT BACK TO IT: Of course, holidays and birthdays are tough because like you want like my mom like I mean forget it but like I love her and she's doing the best she can but like you know it's like I don't know I guess it's because I'm pregnant and then like when you become a mom and you just think about this relationship and it's like I just have always wanted that relationship with my mom and of course I know real like logically it's not gonna happen but anyways it's um it's just hard but anyways what I was trying tuh say tuh you though listening is like if you're going through this type of situation like just know that you're doing the right thing by kind of putting the boundaries up and then kind of you know you got tuh focus on gratitude more than anything else and so I consistently try tuh remind myself tuh be thankful that I am alive I'm able tuh be there for my kids my son has no idea who remembered and who forgot his birthday but of course he knows who he talked tuh but like you know I, I know that he had the most spectacular day yesterday and I made darn well sure of it and it literally cost me like zero dollars tuh it's not like it has tuh be expensive it wasn't extravagant we went tuh the library which is free and then we went tuh a free splash pad that's in our city and slash playground yeah, yeah and he had a great time so it's like people it's because the other thing people say well if you can afford tuh give them that it's like it doesn't you can find ways tuh live tuh like really bless your family and your kids without having tuh spend boatloads of money um but the biggest message and takeaway of this all and I guess of like I we never planned on sharing any of this we were planning on sharing about mother's day and
DOUG DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT tuh SAY, BUT SHE NEEDS tuh KNOW HOW PROUD HE IS OF HER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH …
SHE THANKS HIM QUICKLY AND THEN GETS ON WITH HIS always getting by my side and like when I'm thankful for you when I started you know going tuh therapy and, and I mean forever ago I'm telling you forever ago when we were first married and I first started going tuh a therapist outside of married at first sight she told me she looked me in the eyes and she said Jamie like they might be family but they're not your people and you gotta go find your people and I didn't want tuh believe her I didn't want I literally just said you know thanks but no thanks essentially and I'm gonna try my best tuh turn this family into mine because I want this connection and I want this and I wish I could have saved myself all those years by just listening tuh her and you know finding my own people who, who do love and support me for who I am who I don't have tuh like I can just don't have tuh walk on eggshells I don't have tuh try tuh be anybody else I can just be myself and they'll see like the good in that and they'll like it you know and, and not everyone's for everyone and that's okay and I just try tuh remind myself that but anyways um yeah you've always stood by my side so thank you I see you I'll always be by your side I just like sometimes doubt like if like you know like, like, like what have I done like am I a bad person like did I like what have I done this has nothing
DOUG NOTES THAT THEY'D FIND PEOPLE "DOWN HERE" IN FLORIDA, AND THAT THEY BOTH KNEW IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, THAT REALLY MEANINGFUL BONDS TAKE TIME, BUT THEY ARE IN THE BEST POSSIBLE POSITION TO BUILD A COMMUNITY AND MAKE STRONG FRIENDS THEY CONSIDER TO BE FAMILY, AMAZING PEOPLE, AND THERE ARE KIDS TOO, AND THEY CAN WATCH EVERYONE GROW UP TOGETHER … AND HE THINKS, "That's kind of the point of, of moving tuh Florida find community find our people and also find out you know who would be there with us and for us and …"
JAMIE BLASTS BACK: It has nothing tuh do with you or who you are well the truth is, is obviously it does because these people don't enjoy being around me so then therefore they don't enjoy remembering our kids and or me whatever I guess I think I'm just really hormonal and emotional but I guess I just feel incredibly rejected and like I've done something wrong but I also know at the same exact breath that this has been happening for years and years and years where I've really
DOUG NOTES JAMIE HAS "TRIED SO HARD" AND THAT IT'S NOTHING THAT SHE DID.
JAMIE BLATHERS BACK THAT IT'S NOT REALLY THAT THEY'VE DONE ANYTHING WRONG, BUT … we just don't jive and I guess you know we have different we're different people and we can't force it yeah and so there's very little control that we have over it other than us being us yeah and so but you know but I guess this is like the healing part that everyone talks about with boundaries that's so painful like it's so painful because when you want something so bad and like I think it's like wired in me because it's family and like I really want tuh support family and love family and be there for them and but then it's like but it's just not there in return and you could just spend your whole life searching for it and or you could kind of put up a boundary and, and stop allowing that tuh continue tuh hurt you and find people who are genuinely happy tuh be around you and so needless tuh say for those of you listening if - if you're in this boat with someone whether it's parents siblings aunts uncles cousins I don't know or even long-time friends who you think are quote-unquote friends but you know things change or who knows I mean it's so darn hurtful but I really believe at the end of the day that I mean I was I spent years and years and years trying my darnedest and now I'm like if I, If I could give like an inkling of that effort tuh someone who gives an inkling of the effort back tuh me like the just the joy and happiness that could come from that or just like the stability and also like I did try changing myself tuh kind of be more like them tuh have more in common with them and it just I can tell you right now if you're trying tuh do that that's not gonna work either like it's hard unfortunately you just gotta be yourself in this world you gotta love with your whole heart and, and be selfless you know you can't expect people tuh just care about you if you don't care about them of course you gotta show up for people you gotta really like put yourself out there for them but if you consistently do that and you're not getting any of it in return you gotta change your path and it's the hardest thing in the world tuh do but you know tuh be very, very honest like going tuh bed with Doug last night after Son's birthday and like just everything that went down and whatnot I was just like and this is why we live in Florida this is why we moved here because this this served our core family more so than trying tuh fit a round peg into a square everyone else's schedule and everybody else's lives it's just you know and it's and I'm incredibly thankful tuh your sister and tuh your mom and your dad of course because they did reach out and that's just really, really kind like they called and they just show that they really care and that really means the whole wide world tuh me and like regardless of what they think of me like they love our kids and that's really all that
DOUG NOTES WHAT MATTERS IS-AND MAYBE THEY NEED TO BELIEVE IN SOME KIND OF "HIGHER PURPOSE," BUT HE DOESN'T CONSIDER IT ALL "WASTED TIME OR ENERGY," AND THAT IT MAYBE HAPPENED THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN AND FOR JAMIE TO GIVE …
AND SHE CUTS HIM OFF TO SAY THAT THIS MESSAGE CAN help others. I've really kind of like avoided being this vulnerable lately because I feel like there are some people who just really don't like me and it's been brought tuh my attention and just no matter what I do they really don't like me and I guess like everybody has quote-unquote haters but it hurts my heart a little bit and I don't know but, but the truth is, is like just like I said before what I learned in this the certain boundaries that I've talked about before is that you really can't change who you are in the hopes that people will start tuh approve of you because they're never like the people who just choose that they don't like you and they just choose tuh find your faults will always like they will always see your faults and they will always yeah there's no convincing them otherwise and that's and if you're listening tuh this like this is the truth for all of us is that when you're looking for the good in life you're gonna find the good and you can focus on that and try tuh get like more of that and garner more of that but if you're focused on the negative whether it's in life or with your spouse or with a friend or at the workplace you're gonna find that and so if so sometimes if you've you know if you see that you're consistently feeling like you have quote-unquote bad luck or that this person's being wrong tuh you or they're not caring about you will try tuh think about the good that they do and, and, and so truly like for me with these whole boundary things like I've tried just I tried tuh kind of I've already tried that with some of these family members that just don't seem tuh care and um and, and so that's and then that's when the hurt comes is you know when you realize oh yeah you're actually all right and you are onto something and for whatever reason their life isn't aligning with yours and it's and that's okay but it doesn't mean it's not gonna hurt a little bit for the person who like wants it tuh be there but that's when you go out and find someone who wants tuh align their life with you or maybe their life already aligns and they just and you can serve each other you can love each other you can be there for each other and whether it's blood related or not like that will serve you better in life and so that's kind of where I think Doug and I are right now um but also for, for you listening if, if you're just finding yourself in this situation too just try tuh make sure you're not just trying tuh find the fault in someone because you don't want tuh get caught in that rabbit hole and there are people out there who just want tuh find the negative and then there are people out there who cut that down like don't allow that tuh happen tuh yourself because you will be miserable your whole life hating on someone else and just constantly finding their faults and constantly complaining about them is never going tuh bring you true happiness it really isn't and so think about you know yourself and like what you can do differently and try tuh bring the positive and so yeah I haven't been as vulnerable lately because it's been hard tuh be very honest tuh just share like my heart and then people are just going tuh attack me for it you know I'm sure but um but my goal in sharing this if we end up sharing this is that it helps the one person out there or I'm sure several really who are in the same exact boat who are you know trying tuh keep a friend that they've had forever but that friend's just not there or trying tuh maintain a relationship with one of your parents or your siblings or it shouldn't be hard it shouldn't be and you shouldn't have tuh change who you are and if you do then that's really just not the right person for you and, and you can talk tuh them about it of course and then if they're just combative, at the end of the day, I just say the best advice is find a therapist, and this book called Boundaries, and it's a little religious, and also a little kind of like, whoa, but I'm telling you, Chapter One, just give it – if you don’t' like it after that, don't even try, but like Chapter One, I was like, wow, I can see so much of myself in this, and I can see how could change, and I've got tuh promise you that it's been hurt along the way, but I have – we have, and our family has more positive days now than stressful, trying tuh like pull people in who don't really want tuh be there, trying tuh help them remember because they're gonna forget, like it's just – like yesterday was like the least stressful day ever, and we didn't have one person coming tuh our – or even Mother's Day, it was just us four, and you know, before I had kids, and I think – I saw someone else write this, but like before I had kids, I looked at the world as like everyone I encountered, and how can I be helpful tuh them, and that – like, but now it's like my world is my husband and my children. My world is within my four walls, and how do I love them and support them the best that I possible can, tuh help them become good – eventually like good husbands, a good wife, good mothers, good fathers, and good, good family members, and so …
DOUG IS SO PROUD OF HER AND THINKS SHE SHOULD ALSO BE PROUD OF HERSELF BECAUSE OF "HOW MUCH YOU HAVE GROWN FROM PEOPLE STARTING TO COMMENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA, AND YOU TRYING TO BRING THEM BACK OVER TO YOUR SIDE TO RECOGNIZING THE TOXICITY OF IT, AND SETTING BOUNDARIES." HE HAS TO TELL HER THAT IN THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS, SHE HAS "SPREAD MORE POSITIVITY, IN MY MIND, THAN ANYBODY, FOCUSING ON BEING THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL," AND A MESSAGE SHE IS PASSING ONTO THE KIDS WHO ARE REALLY STARTING tuh THINK ABOUT IT AND FOCUS ON IT, AND IT'S "DRIVEN BY YOU."
MORE RASPY WHINY TEARY VOICE: Oh, Gosh, Doug's that's the nicest comment that I could have ever received because I really want that for them … yeah, because I – because we could all fall into that where you see the negative and you just kind of focus on that, and I'm trying so hard not to, and tuh just – you know, pray more, and even meditate, and that has nothing tuh do with prayer, but like just rewire my brain tuh like the positive things and finding the positive and helping others, also because – honestly, and I want tuh raise my kid where they are not seeing the negative, they're seeing the positive in situations because life, regardless of who loves you, how much money you have, what home you live in, what car you drive, life is so much better when you're able tuh see the positive and you're able to, like lean into that more, and you're able tuh then attract people who are like that, and the Negative Nellies are just going tuh always be there talking their smack about you, and that's fine, but like, if you can find the positive, you can focus on that, and you're going tuh have such a happier life, and the Negative Nellies, unfortunately, like I still pray for them, I still hope for them, because it's sad – like they're not living a happy life. You can't be a hater tuh all these people and be happy. It's sad.
DOUG THINKS THEY ARE "living proof of it, because once we started tuh focus on happy, once we started focusing on being thankful and grateful, the people that we attracted are the people that we would want tuh be with … didn't happen overnight, but as soon as we started tuh rethink that, and really try tuh be positive and do positive things, and our prayers and with the kids and being thankful and finding good, and gratitude, you know, we attracted people into our lives that, you know, are going tuh be there – I mean, I feel these are now lifelong friends, and you know, all of that was attracted, and there has got tuh be something tuh that."
THE END, THEY MUST GO PICK UP THEIR DAUGHTER BUT ONLY AFTER THE FIVE-STAR REVIEW AND THEN "SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!"
DELUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSIONAL – THE BOTH OF THEM! And according to the AI program Jamie talks more than 90 percent of the time, and Dud, hardly ever.

My mom and stepfather have 3 children at a rented home (ages 4, 11, and 12). I moved out after graduation just a few years ago. When I was living there, we had 2 female non-spayed cats (one was an outside cat) and it was tidy until the end of my senior year because I wasn’t doing chores anymore and was too busy with friends or high school stuff. My mom is an alcoholic and drinks pretty much every single night. Every time I’ve gone over to visit, the house is extremely gross. They have an non-neutered large dog (german shepherd, black lab mix) who they keep in a kennel or cage all day with the exception of 2-3 hours of time in the house and potty breaks in the morning before and after work. They also have another small dog who has free range and another 2 unfixed cats (kittens of one of the cats). The house isn’t just dirty. There are dirty dishes filling the sink and all over the majority of the kitchen counter. The counter and cupboards are full of boxed and microwaveable food (expired and new), including the fridge that’s full of food but it’s a mix of old and new because they don’t clean it out of organize. I went over to pick up my 11 year old sibling a couple of days ago and it was absolutely heartbreaking what they’re living in. The floors are caked in dirt, animal hair, animal pee, and probably animal feces. There is garbage and broken toys or items on the floor. The couch cushions were peed on or eaten by the dog so the couches are just down the bones. There’s are blankets that belong to the children’s beds on them that are covered in cat pee. The entire house smells like animals so strongly that I couldn’t stand 20 minutes in there without getting a headache. The kitchen table is full of garbage and random things, preventing them to eat there. They replaced the stove around early this year because it broke (they never told the rental company because they didn’t want them to come into the house) and it’s been sitting in the living room since then. There are 2 litter boxes for the cats, one being in the hallway and one being in my 12 year old siblings room with one cat who is seperated because he isn’t fixed. He pees everywhere in that room and ruins clothes, bedding, and furniture. There are 2 bathrooms, but the main one is not in use because the only usable things are the toilet and sink. The entire bathroom floor in that one is covered in laundry that is caked in dirt and animal feces and the only walkable area is a small pathway to the toilet. There is a hole in the ceiling above the shower that drips when it rains and it’s becomes a crack that is literally caving in. Instead of my parents calling someone for help, they just avoid it because they don’t want to clean to have someone come in and fix. The other bathroom (the smaller one) is the only one they use because my 12 year old sibling keeps it clean because it’s attached to their room. My parents bedroom is where the 4 year old sleeps (she is not potty trained and has been 4 since February, she wears underwear during the day but has recurrent accidents. She wears pull-ups at night). She sleeps with my parents and it’s been this way since she was born. The entire floor of the master bedroom is covered in clothes and you have to step over cardboard food boxes (honey buns, crème pies) when you walk in to get to the bed. My stepfather eats boxes of these and just throws the wrappers and boxes next to his side of the bed (closest to the door). My 11 year old siblings room is full of toys, their mattress is on the floor because their bed frame broke years ago and my parents said they couldn’t afford a new one. However, their newest purchase is a computer monitor and computer tower (costing over $800 together). They also own a playstation and new iPhones. Both of my parents work full time M-F 8-5, with the exception that my mom has Mondays off. During winter, my stepfather wasn’t working because he works a seasonal job and the house was still in this state. They don’t open the windows or curtains to air it out ever so the kids are just sitting in a dirty house that reeks of cat pee and animals. The only safe thing they have is running cold and hot water. They have food, but it’s mostly easy to make (microwaveable rice/boxed foods, packaged snacks, and canned foods). My 4 year old sibling will go to my stepfathers moms house during the day when they’re at work and enjoys it over there.
I know this was a lot of information but I seriously don’t know what’s considered abuse or neglect and I feel nervous about reporting if it’s not that big of a deal. I’ve tried confronting my mom, but she just blames it on mental illness or her POTS that she was diagnosed with this last year. Help me.

So my character lore (to summarize) is a real woman who turned into an anime character and isakai from anime world to anime world, married multiple people and had some kids along the way, thus becoming an Anime Poly(amorous) Mom.
So far my content consists of reading BL fanfic/watching random YouTube videos on Mondays and play Fortnite on Tuesdays.
Because of my busy life IRL I only schedule time to stream for a few hours on those days. I’ve only have average 2 viewers. I also haven’t posted clips on YouTube or TikTok as often as I should.
I was thinking of adding one more day of streaming with me reacting to yaoi/BL/ecchi doujinshi (i have a few favorites). Will this possibly bring me more viewers on Twitch? (Note: it has brought in a lot of YouTube views in my “past life”)
Any thoughts?

I don’t know what to do
Hello everyone I am a 32 year old female and I have been dealing with some health issues and I came here for some advice because I don’t know what to do.
Basically for 7 years I have been dealing with constipation, diarrhea, irregular periods, hot flashes, always tired, weight loss, loss of appetite, and constantly nauseous. I also been having a pain down there all the time. Over the past 5 years I have gradually lost weight. I went from 187-141 and I’m still losing weight without trying. Yes, I don’t eat like I used to but I still try to eat a little bit.
I have been frustrated because I been in and out of the hospital. Hired and fired so many doctors because I feel they are not listening to me. Anyways I did the pelvic therapy that they wanted me to try for the pain down there. It didn’t work I still have that pain. They did a colonoscopy and endoscopy and found nothing. I also was trying to get pregnant for 3 years and could not. They told me it was because I smoke, mind you, I have 2 kids already and I smoked before I got pregnant with both. I have been wanting them to look at my reproductive organs but they didn’t refer me instead they just diagnosed me with IBS. But when I researched IBS all of my symptoms are not associated.
I just want to know where else can I get help from? I am a black woman and feel we are less heard and the more tired I become the scariest it is for me. I used to be able to do more stuff. I’m lacking around the house. I’m lacking in my motherhood. The only energy I have is to go to work and that’s because I have to. I’m a single mom. I just want to go back to being the fun mom full of energy like I used to.

So it's like a light discussion bout how i came to know about these communities. I do believe that the feelings of being gnc started in childhood for a lot of us. Same for me. I was an androgynous, awkward, and tomboyish nerdy kid who became more masculine as time went on.
As a little girl, all i had to do was take one look at some typical action hero, super powered macho dude and be like, yup, he's my bride now :).
My heart fluttered so much every time any of my cartoon crushes were put in an even slightly vulnerable position, maybe they got hurt, fainted or helpless. I might sound like a weirdo, but i used to save videos where they would be unconscious, falling or carried in that pretty thing, objectified sensual kinda manner. (I remember you superman, being all weak and passing out near any kryptonite 😳)
Cuz as a kid all i cared about was being cool and a show off irl, so naturally i was usually a badass in my imaginations who was either a detective, warrior or superhero that saved and bridal carried a helpless man, and the thought of them clinging to me, blushing and being in awe at how badass and strong i was absolutely melted me.
It's how i knew something was a bit different bout the way i perceived romance. Cuz mostly around me, little girls wanted to be the one saved, being the clinging and helpless one and to see how cool and fierce their crushes were. Even if they were badasses, it was very in that girlboss manner, and usually then it would not involve any guy cuz they were "independent" and "did not need saving"
Obvs my tastes became more diverse in future beyond just that.
I noted that people were a little bit gnc on internet like calling guys slutty or bbgirls and stuff like that. I found that i really liked it.
Ultimately, i would say it was my many searches of girlboss x malewife, strong fl x soft ml and similar stuff like this that lead me to rr and then this sub.
Before this, note, that i did not look for romance stuff much cuz, one, i grew up in religious conservative house where we would jump at even a simple kiss scene so i was pretty romantically repressed. Second, i often never felt romantic attraction irl cuz everyone was pretty hardcore het normative. Third, I, in general, don't read romance as a separate genre. Same for family dramas and slice of life. Not my cup of tea. Like its fine as a sub genre within a story but not as its own thing.
What started off me searching for rr romance stuff was interestingly cuz of one media that soon became my favourite anime; JoJo Bizarre Adventure.
I had long seen many memes abt it, including the "best waifu Speedwagon"
Long story short, i began actively binging many memes, without even having seen it. When part 6 was adapted, that's when i was watching it.
I feel like not enough people talk abt how gnc JoJo is, at least in presentation.
Like they were sometimes simultaneously the macho, normative, beefy guys and at same time so genderfucking, dramatic, fabulous and beautiful. Like legit everyone's poses go hard.
Poses are such interesting shit cuz unlike other action media, you'll be getting into the plot and fights and then momentarily they'll make you halt with someone's pose and be like drawing your attention to their objectified, beautiful bodies and energies its so hilarious xD
I mean consider the fact that the anime's best waifu is Speedwagon, and the best mom is Bruno, both of whom are MALE.
When i watched part 1 fr first time i finally understood all those best waifu memes like holy shit bro acts so much like a worried, nurturing and damsel in distress girlfriend
Not only that, like most of the jojo poses are inspired by fashion poses, most of them being done by female models. Dio's iconic pose? Done by female model. Most of Giorno's poses? Same thing here. Risotto? Same. And the body language of these characters. Like even if they may be the most mainstraightest characters, they don't care bout how they appear or carry themselves.
The amount of comments saying stuff like "Bruno got such mom smile" or "Abbachio wine aunt" or "diavolo a goth gf" or "giorno's stand posing with him like he's its baby mana" or "Prosciutto fast walked like a lady or worried mom" or how zesty so many jojos, even the early beefy ones like Joseph or pillar men act is absolutely fantastic. Their poses are such mixture of andro, masc or fem energies like they absolutely do not care.
Don't even get me started on their designs and clothing. Absolute gender fuckery. Pinkiest pink, flowers, earrings, slutty turtlenecks, heart accessories, strapless top, so many boob windows and crop tops, lipsticks, long hair, to name few.
Even if they are the machoest or het normative, they dress like there's absolutely no stigma in their world against how one presents. Rohan, diavolo, abbachio, bruno, dio, narancia, joseph, kakyoin, mista, giorno, anasui to name a few.
Sadly, women are the least gnc part of JoJo, and despite all this mentioned above , some semblance of mainstraightness still exists in jojoverse. There's either that, or just gayness.
Appearance wise the most gnc jojo women i can think of would be either ermes or hot pants. But that's realllyyy a bare minimum :(
Anyway, you can imagine i had many awakenings i didn't even know i had 🥴

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