I hurt my hand and now i have shooting and aching pains all up my arm?

So this is likely to be a pretty long post but I will try to make it as short as I can I just feel that there is a lot of things that provide context for this so first off I am a 31 yr old female. When I was young about 10 years old, I started to go through puberty. Pretty young yes, but I had yet to start my cycle. I just started having wider hips and developing a bosom and also some attitude I started having some mood swings all perfectly normal. Right. wrong. My mom did not like that I was having mood swings and basically not following her every command so she started me on something for hormones, a natural herb that was supposed to help with the mood swings. Now I think that it caused problems I started my cycle when I was 13 and after a year I was told that I most likely would not be able to have kids that if I did I would have to go through long treatments in order to do so. I have PCOS I would have sometimes two or three cycles a year and some other not so great symptoms Now when I was younger it didn't really hit me that this would affect my life. I always thought I'd be a mom has always wanted to be a mom and I just thought you know this doesn't matter. It'll still happen. When I was 18 I had a boyfriend but I was also a virgin. I didn't really know anything about anything per say He was older and definitely knew what he was doing. Being a virgin and growing up in a Mormon l conservative home. The only thing I'd been told about relationships in the bedroom was and I quote "it hurts" so I had no idea about condoms or anything like that. I had just moved out of the house so I was still trying to learn all this. Needless to say I ended up pregnant. I made it 9 weeks before I miscarried due to the stress of finding out my boyfriend was cheating on me and I was the side piece coming from a conservative Mormon home that was really stressful for me and also because my mom was very conservative and so was my family. I didn't really tell anyone. I just kind of dealt with it on my own and so after that I kind of fell off the deep end and I started drinking and partying about 4 years later when I was 23. I met someone new but this time I knew better. I was careful to always use contraceptives and I figured if they failed I most likely wouldn't get pregnant anyways because I was continuously being told by doctors that I probably wouldn't be able to have kids well I got pregnant again. I made it 11 weeks before I miscarried again this time however, I told my mom she was the only one I told and I've never told anyone since because she didn't believe me. she said even if that was true that the baby was better off and at least the baby would be perfect in heaven. after that I really went off The deep end I started drinking smoking partying some recreational drug use. Basically anything to numb the pain and this time I didn't even tell the boyfriend and he ended up moving Not long after that Anyways. I really went down a rabbit hole and if it weren't for my brother helping pull me out of it and getting me a job out of state away from all the people that I knew pretty much except for him. He had a job there too. I probably would have continued down that path but when I moved I stopped drinking. I stopped smoking. I stopped all the partying everything and really just kind of did some soul searching on what I wanted and who I wanted to be and what my life would be like I was 25 when I moved back and I was doing a lot better than. I got a job. I was saving up I got my new car and I'd moved in with my parents to help them with some issues they were having. My dad had cancer and my mom has had a slew of health problems so I have yet to move out since I basically helped take care of everything around the house and make sure everything's the way it needs to be When I was 29 I met another guy we dated for a couple months and I ended up pregnant now when I had moved a couple things had happened. I think the change in lifestyle and also the fact that it could have been a different city. It could have been the change in elevation. Whatever else, but I started having regular consistent cycles and I stopped having a lot of the issues that I've been having with my hormones. But I still thought that I would not be able to have a kid at that point though. But I found out when I was just over 4 weeks and because of my past miscarriages I went to the doctor as soon as I could to make sure everything was okay and he monitored me very closely. Now because of my fabulous doctor I was able to deliver a healthy baby girl and I love her more than life itself. But I seem to have a bad choice in men because her "father" wanted nothing to do with her and it broke my heart. I have tried my best to do whatever I can to make my daughter happy and healthy and have a great life but I have still yet to meet anyone that could be any sort of father figure for her. Now on to my cousin we have never gotten along for whatever reason, ever since I was young she would alienate me in any way she could. I never knew why. She's actually only a little bit older than I am by, like not even a full year and my other cousins that were right around my age. All kind of went with her and alienated me too. So I ended up playing a lot of the time with all the younger kids by which I'm talking about 4 to 5 years younger than me and when you're young. And you don't really know why you're being treated that way it can leave a lasting impression. I have never been close with her and I don't think I ever will be. I don't wish her any. Ill will but I don't like her either not long ago she found out she was pregnant and she's had fertility issues as well it ended her first marriage but not only did she find someone who loves her but also loves their baby and wants their baby and that created some jealousy in me. I'm not going to lie. I was very angry that she was still doing all the things that I had given up partying and such and she still was able to find someone. And on top of that have a baby now. A few days ago she went into pre-term labor. She is just over 25 weeks and they've been struggling to keep the baby inside for the last couple days. Tomorrow they're going to deliver the baby at 26 weeks now I hope every thing turns out well cause I wouldn't wish the pain of loosing a child on anyone but I can't help but feel a little angry because everyone in our family is coming out of the wood work to help her and comfort her and be there for her and they are showing her so much love and support. And her boyfriend is right there with her and is supporting her and I just feel so angry and hurt because I never had that support. I mean no one really knew about any of my miscarriages and the one person I trusted didn't even believe me. And my mom now is bending over backwards to try and be as helpful as she can and I think that's what makes me the maddest no I don't hate my cousin. I don't wish her any ill will. I hope that everything goes well with her baby and her boyfriend and that everything turns out great but I can't seem to make myself bend over backwards for her either and jump at every piece of information that is being given. In fact, I wish I didn't even hear it at all because every time I do it just digs that knife deeper and deeper and I don't know how to deal with it. All I know is I am so angry at my family so aita for being angry at my cousin?

Previous
Chapter 1
"You imbeciles!" Fytistone shouted at the group.
"But Fy.." The woman standing before Fytistone began.
"No! You idiots abducted an Orc and brought him here!" Fytistone shouted.
"Her..." Derrick began.
"I don't care!" Fytistone screamed at the man, who recoiled from her anger. "They will look here first."
"Who would dare come here?" A man asked, "You are a pillar of this community."
Fytistone took a deep breath, "Yes, I am. But that Orc-loving mayor will come here first."
"Mayor Hamilton loves Orcs?" Derrick asked, "I didn't know that. I wonder if he and the imp are fighting over the Orc?"
Fytistone blinked a few times, "Shut up, Derrick. I don't want to know what nonsense you are spewing." Derrick looked down and mumbled something. Fytistone addressed the remaining humans in the room, "How long until he wakes up?"
"She," Said another man.
Fytistone sneered, "How long until it wakes up?"
"The spell should last twenty-four hours or so." The woman said.
"Fine, wait until tomorrow morning and get it out of here," Fytistone demanded. "I don't want it waking up or Hammy nosing around here. Understood?" The humans nodded.
A human male in the back raised his hand, "Uh, hi, uh, why not sneak her, I mean, it out tonight?"
"Because the guards will notice a single wagon and may want to inspect it. When there's more traffic tomorrow, they'll let you through without looking." Fytistone spoke slowly like she was speaking to a child. "The night guards are far more vigilant than the day guards."
"Ain't that the truth," a man said to the other woman in the room, "Your cousin didn't even look up as we brought her here."
—
"Good morning," Thorn said as she entered the big tent. Everyone had gathered for breakfast. The chatting stopped as Thorn sat down with her bacon, eggs, and coffee.
"Rose is missing!" Rick shouted as he ran into the tent.
"What?" Richard and Bob shouted.
"She didn't come back last night," Rick said, "I've looked all over for her."
Thorn looked at the panicking imp, "She's fine, imp. Maybe she needed some more time."
"Why didn't you say something last night?" Richard asked, ignoring Thorn.
"I, uh," the imp looked down, "I thought maybe she didn't want to see me yet." Rick kicked the ground, "Maybe Thorn was right."
"She's wrong," Ben and Betty said together. Thorn glared at them, and they glared back.
"Ben and Betty are right. She would have come back," Bob said, "She wouldn't have abandoned you." He gave Thorn a nasty look, "No matter who thought of what."
Richard rose from the table. "We need to search for her. I'll get a party together. Bob, you stay here with twins and run the restaurant."
"I'm going," Rick said, "I can smell where she has been."
Thorn looked at the little imp, "You can smell her? I can't believe that. Too many creatures have been through here."
"No, no, I can," Rick said, "She smells of flowers and rain. Everyone has a smell."
"What do I smell like, Rick," Bob asked.
"Gold and dirt," Rick said bluntly.
"Yeah, that tracks." Bob laughed.
The twins looked at each other, "What about us?" They asked.
"You smell of fire, wood, and hope," the twins nodded. “Great Orc Richard smells of sorrow and fallen leaves in autumn," Richard frowned and nodded. “Thorn smells like…" The imp's eyes widened, and he looked away.
"What do I smell like, Imp?" Thorn growled.
"Death." The imp whispered.
Thorn rose from her seat and stared down at the embarrassed imp, "You have a good nose, little one. And you spoke the truth." Thorn looked at Richard, "The imp and I will find Rose. I'm sure she's fine. Probably fell asleep under a tree."
The Orcs looked at each other, and finally, Richard said, "Okay, for now. But if she's in trouble, we'll come help."
Thorn laughed raspily, "No, death stalks the plains today." She turned and left the tent with the little imp running after her.
"I pray to all the gods that nothing has happened to Rose," Richard said. "For her sake and anyone stupid enough to cross those two."
Bob sighed, "Who's going to do the most property damage? Rick or Thorn?"
"Yes," Richard said as he went back to his breakfast.
–
Shaman Thorn and the Imp Rick stalked the camp. Everyone, Orcs, humans, imps, trolls, and giants, stayed out of the way. Soon, they found themselves on the road. Rick's nose was close to the ground like a hound on the trail of a fox.
"Here," Rick said as he stopped. "She was here with many humans and a horse. Her scent was strong but is now weaker."
Thorn inspected the ground and mumbled as she walked around. She stopped next to Rick, "A wagon. There are wheel tracks. I can sense some magic. Faint."
"What does that mean," Rick asked in a panicked voice.
"That Rose rode in a wagon towards the town," Thorn was attempting to not worry, but the more they looked, the more worried she became.
The two strange companions walked in silence toward the town. Neither wanted to talk to the other. Clouds hung in the sky as if watching them walk. Rick pointed to a road that branched off from the main road. They followed it all the way to the side gate.
"Rick!" A guard shouted. Rick looked up and waved. The guard approached the two. "What brings you here?"
"We are looking for the Orc Shaman Rose," Thorn announced, bringing the guard's attention to her. His eyes went wide, and he looked up at the intimidating Orc.
"Uh, well, I, uh," The guard bowed, "Welcome to our town."
"Don't bow, boy. It leaves your head exposed. One swipe and I could take your head right off your shoulders," Thorn said, looking down. Wide-eyed, the guard looked up. Thorn smiled a toothy grin. "Orcs don't bow."
"Right, right, uh," The guard said, "I haven't seen any orcs this morning."
"I can smell her; she came this way," Rick said, getting agitated.
"Maybe yesterday," the guard shouted over his shoulder, "Who was on duty yesterday?"
"Ted," Someone shouted back.
The guard sighed exasperated, "Well, that doesn't do any good. He doesn't do any work." He looked at Rick, "Maybe she came through yesterday. Does she know anyone here?"
"Batty," Rick said excitedly, "She could be visiting Batty."
As the two left, the guard waved over another guard, "Run to the Mayor and tell him they are here."
"Why, sir? They don't seem here to make trouble?" The new guard said.
"Call it a gut feeling, Those two could level this town.”
"An old Orc and an imp?" The new guard laughed.
The guard looked at him, "Yes, now run!"
–
"Something isn't right," Rick said. "Here, the smell stops and turns. The tavern is that way," he pointed.
"Rick! Thorn!" Mayor Hamilton shouted as he ran up to them. His face was red from the exercise. He stopped before the two and caught his breath. "Uh, I, uh, welcome to our town, Shaman Thorn." He bowed his head. "Hi Rick, I heard you are looking for Rose."
"Yes, but her smell goes that way." The imp pointed.
"Oh," The Mayor squeaked. He frowned. Then he growled, "Oh."
"Something the matter, Mayor?" Thorn asked.
"Yes, there is someone who lives that way, and I'm hoping she has nothing to do with this," The Mayor said.
"With what?" Batty asked as she and Battleax walked up.
"Rose is missing!" Rick shouted.
"What!" Batty shouted. She looked at her dad, who was looking toward where Rick was pointing. "Doesn't Fytistone live down that lane?"
"Yes," Battleax and Hamilton said together.
Batty and Rick began a fast march down the lane, and the rest followed.
"We burn her house down," Batty said.
"We kill everyone and then burn down the house," Rick said.
"Okay, everyone, calm down," Battleax said. He looked at Hamilton, who shook his head.
"It's a bad day with a Battleax is telling everyone to calm down," Hamilton said.
Thorn barked a laugh, "Truth." Her voice lowered, "But those two have a point. Rose better be fine."
As they approached the house in question, Fytistone walked out the front door. "Oh my, good morning Mayor, Battleaxes." She looked at Rick and Thorn and sneered, "You."
"Ah, Fytistone, good morning, ah, yes," The Mayor began. "We are looking for a friend. Tall, green Orc goes by the name Rose."
"Never heard of it," Fytistone sneered.
"Right, right, so we have a missing Orc, and we are wondering…" The Mayor began.
"Good!" Fytistone shouted, "We can lose a few more of them."
"Where is she?" Batty shouted as she took a step forward.
Battleax grabbed her arm and said, "Not yet, Batty."
"Where is Rose?" Thorn asked in a low grumble.
"Not here," Fytistone rolled her eyes.
"I can smell her," Rick said.
Fytistone laughed, "Orc stench is everywhere now. One less Orc would make this town smell better."
Hamilton held his arms out, keeping Batty and Rick from charging Fytistone. "Now, Fytistone, uh, we are just wondering if you have seen her."
"No, and I don't like this accusation," Fytistone sneered, "I have things to do. So good…"
The house exploded.

Check out my new website. You can find everywhere I post my stories!
https://links.hellodearreader.com/

II. The Narcissistic Personality of Our Time
...
Social Influences on Narcissism
Every age develops its own peculiar forms of pathology, which express in exaggerated form its underlying character structure. In Freud’s time, hysteria and obsessional neurosis carried to extremes the personality traits associated with the capitalist order at an earlier stage in its development - acquisitiveness, fanatical devotion to work, and a fierce repression of sexuality. In our time, the preschizophrenic, borderline, or personality disorders have attracted increasing attention, along with schizophrenia itself. This “change in the form of neuroses has been observed and described since World War II by an ever-increasing number of psychiatrists.” According to Peter L. Giovacchini, “Clinicians are constantly faced with the seemingly increasing number of patients who do not fit current diagnostic categories” and who suffer not from “definitive symptoms” but from “vague, ill-defined complaints.” “When I refer to ‘this type of patient,’” he writes, “practically everyone knows to whom I am referring.” The growing prominence of “character disorders” seems to signify an underlying change in the organization of personality, from what has been called inner-direction to narcissism.
Allen Wheelis argued in 1958 that the change in the “patterns of neuroses” fell “within the personal experience of older psychoanalysts,” while younger ones “become aware of it from the discrepancy between the older descriptions of neuroses and the problems presented by the patients who come daily to their offices. The change is from symptom neuroses to character disorders.” Heinz Lichtenstein, who questioned the additional assertion that it reflected a change in personality structure, nevertheless wrote in 1963 that the “change in neurotic patterns” already constituted a “well-known fact.” In the seventies, such reports have become increasingly common. “It is not accident,” Herbert Hendin notes, “that at the present time the dominant events in psychoanalysis are the rediscovery of narcissism and the new emphasis on the psychological significance of death.” “What hysteria and the obsessive neuroses were to Freud and his early colleagues…at the beginning of this century,” writes Michael Beldoch, “the narcissistic disorders are to the workaday analyst in these last few decades before the next millennium. Today’s patients by and large do not suffer from hysterical paralyses of the legs or hand-washing compulsions; instead it is their very psychic selves that have gone numb or that they must scrub and rescrub in an exhausting and unending effort to come clean.” These patients suffer from “pervasive feelings of emptiness and a deep disturbance of self-esteem.” Burness E. Moore notes that narcissistic disorders have become more and more common. According to Sheldon Bach, “You used to see people coming in with hand-washing compulsions, phobias, and familiar neuroses. Now you see mostly narcissists.” Gilbert J. Rose maintains that the psychoanalytic outlook, “inappropriately transplanted from analytic practice” to everyday life, has contributed to “global permissiveness” and the “over-domestication of instinct,” which in turn contributes to the proliferation of “narcissistic identity disorders.” According to Joel Kovel, the stimulation of infantile cravings by advertising, the usurpation of parental authority by the media and the school, and the rationalization of inner life accompanied by the false promise of personal fulfillment, have created a new type of “social individual.” “The result is not the classical neuroses where an infantile impulse is suppressed by patriarchal authority, but a modern version in which impulse is stimulated, perverted and given neither an adequate object upon which to satisfy itself nor coherent forms of control…. The entire complex, played out in a setting of alienation rather than direct control, loses the classical form of symptom - and the classical therapeutic opportunity of simply restoring an impulse to consciousness.”
The reported increase in the number of narcissistic patients does not necessarily indicate that narcissistic disorders are more common than they used to be, in the population as a whole, or that they have become more common than the classical conversion neurosis. Perhaps they simply come more quickly to psychiatric attention. Ilza Veith contends that “with the increasing awareness of conversion reactions and the popularization of psychiatric literature, the ‘old-fashioned’ somatic expressions of hysteria have become suspect among the more sophisticated classes, and hence most physicians observe that obvious conversion symptoms are now rarely encountered and, if at all, only among the uneducated.” The attention given to character disorders in recent clinical literature probably makes psychiatrists more alert to their presence. But this possibility by no means diminishes the importance of psychiatric testimony about the prevalence of narcissism, especially when this testimony appears at the same time that journalists begin to speculate about the new narcissism and the unhealthy trend toward self-absorption. The narcissist comes to the attention of psychiatrists for some of the same reasons that he rises to positions of prominence not only in awareness movements and other cults but in business corporations, political organizations, and government bureaucracies. For all his inner suffering, the narcissist has many traits that make for success in bureaucratic institutions, which put a premium on the manipulation of interpersonal relations, discourage the formation of deep personal attachments, and at the same time provide the narcissist with the approval he needs in order to validate his self-esteem. Although he may resort to therapies that promise to give meaning to life and to overcome his sense of emptiness, in his professional career the narcissist often enjoys considerable success. The management of personal impressions comes naturally to him, and his mastery of its intricacies serves him well in political and business organizations where performance now counts for less than “visibility,” “momentum,” and a winning record. As the “organization man” gives way to the bureaucratic “gamesman” - the “loyalty era” of American business to the age of the “executive success game” - the narcissist comes into his own.
In a study of 250 managers from twelve major companies, Michael Maccoby describes the new corporate leader, not altogether unsympathetically, as a person who works with people rather than with materials and who seeks not to build an empire or accumulate wealth but to experience “the exhilaration of running his team and of gaining victories.” He wants to “be known as a winner, and his deepest fear is to be labeled a loser.” Instead of pitting himself against a material task or a problem demanding solution, he puts himself against others, out of a “need to be in control.” As a recent textbook for managers puts it, success today means “not simply getting ahead” but “getting ahead of others.” The new executive, boyish, playful, and “seductive,” wants in Maccoby’s words “to maintain an illusion of limitless options.” He has little capacity for “personal intimacy and social commitment.” He feels little loyalty even to the company for which he works. One executive says he experiences power “as not being pushed around by the company.” In his upward climb, this man cultivates powerful customers and attempts to use them against his own company. “You need a very big customer,” according to his calculations, “who is always in trouble and demands changes from the company. That way you automatically have power in the company, and with the customer too. I like to keep my options open.” A professor of management endorses this strategy. “Overidentification” with the company, in his view, “produces a corporation with enormous power over the careers and destinies of its true believers.” The bigger the company, the more important he thinks it is for executes “to manage their careers in terms of their own…free choices” and to “maintain the widest set of options possible.”
According to Maccoby, the gamesman “is open to new ideas, but he lacks convictions.” He will do business with any regime, even if he disapproves of its principles. More independent and resourceful than the company man, he tries to use the company for his own ends, fearing that otherwise he will be “totally emasculated by the corporation.” He avoids intimacy as a trap, preferring the “exciting, sexy atmosphere” with which the modern executive surrounds himself at work, “where adoring, mini-skirted secretaries constantly flirt with him.” In all his personal relations, the gamesman depends on the admiration or fear he inspires in others to certify his credentials as a “winner.” As he gets older, he finds it more and more difficult to command the kind of attention on which he thrives. He reaches a plateau beyond which he does not advance in his job, perhaps because the very highest positions, as Maccoby notes, still go to “those able to renounce adolescent rebelliousness and become at least to some extent believers in the organization.” The job begins to lose its savor. Having little interest in craftsmanship, the new-style executive takes no pleasure in his achievements once he begins to lose the adolescent charm on which they rest. Middle age hits him with the force of a disaster: “Once his youth, vigor, and even the thrill in winning are lost, he becomes depressed and goalless, questioning the purpose of his life. No longer energized by the team struggle and unable to dedicate himself to something he believes in beyond himself, … he finds himself starkly alone.” It is not surprising, given the prevalence of this career pattern, that popular psychology returns so often to the “midlife crisis” and to ways of combating it.
In Wilfrid Sheed’s novel Office Politics, a wife asks, “There are real issues, aren’t there, between Mr. Fine and Mr. Tyler?” Her husband answers that the issues are trivial; “the jockeying of ego is the real story.” Eugene Emerson Jennings’s study of management, which celebrates the demise of the organization man and the advent of the new “era of mobility,” insists that corporate “mobility is more than mere job performance.” What counts is “style…panache…the ability to say and do almost anything without antagonizing others.” The upwardly mobile executive, according to Jennings, knows how to handle the people around him - the “shelf-sitter” who suffers from “arrested mobility” and envies success; the “fast learner”; the “mobile superior.” The “mobility-bright executive” has learned to “read” the power relations in his office and “to see the less visible and less audible side of his superiors, chiefly their standing with their peers and superiors.” He “Can infer from a minimum of cues who are the centers of power, and he seeks to have high visibility and exposure with them. He will assiduously cultivate his standing and opportunities with them and seize every opportunity to learn from them. He will utilize his opportunities in social world to size up the men who are centers of sponsorship in the corporate world.”
Constantly comparing the “executive success game” to an athletic contest or a game of chess, Jennings treats the substance of executive life as if it were just as arbitrarily and irrelevant to success as the task of kicking a ball through a net or of moving pieces over a chessboard. He never mentions the social and economic repercussions of managerial decisions or the power that managers exercise over society as a whole. For the corporate manager on the make, power consists not of money and influence but of “momentum,” a “winning image,” a reputation as a winner . Power lies in the eye of the beholder and thus has no objective reference at all.
The manager’s view of the world, as described by Jennings, Maccoby, and by the managers themselves, is that of the narcissist, who sees the world as a mirror of himself and has no interest in external events except as they throw back a reflection of his own image. The dense interpersonal environment of modern bureaucracy, in which work assumes an abstract quality almost wholly divorced from performance, by its very nature elicits and often rewards a narcissistic response. Bureaucracy, however, is only one of a number of social influences that are bringing a narcissistic type of personality organization into greater and greater prominence. Another such influence is the mechanical reproduction of culture, the proliferation of visual and audial images in the “society of the spectacle.” We live in a swirl of images and echoes that arrest experience and play it back in slow motion. Cameras and recording machines not only transcribe experience but alter its quality, giving to much of modern life that character of an enormous echo chamber, a hall of mirrors. Life presents itself as a succession of images of electronic signals, of impressions recorded and reproduced by means of photography, motion pictures, television, and sophisticated recording devices. Modern life is thoroughly mediated by electronic images that we cannot help responding to others as if their actions - and our own - were being recorded and simultaneously transmitted to an unseen audience or stored up for close scrutiny at some later time. “Smile, you’re on candid camera!” The intrusion into everyday life of this all-seeing eye no longer takes us by surprise or catches us with our defenses down. We need no reminder to smile. A smile is permanently graven on our features, and we already known from which of several angles its photographs to best advantage.
The proliferation of recorded images undermines our sense of reality. As Susan Sontag observes in her study of photography, “Reality has come to seem more and more like what we are shown by cameras.” We distrust our perceptions until the camera verifies them. Photographic images provide us with the proof of our existence, without which we would find it difficult even to reconstruct a personal history. Bourgeois families in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, Sontag points out, posed for portraits in order to proclaim the family’s status, whereas today the family album of photographs verifies the individual’s existence: its documentary record of his development from infancy onward provides him with the only evidence of his life that he recognizes as altogether valid. Among the “many narcissistic uses” that Sontag attributes to the camera, “self-surveillance” ranks among the most important, not only because it provides the technical means of ceaseless self-scrutiny but because it renders the sense of selfhood dependent on the consumption of images of the self, at the same time calling into question the reality of the external world.
By preserving images of the self at various stages of development, the camera helps to weaken the older idea of development as moral education and to promote a more passive idea according to which development consists of passing through the stages of life at the right time and in the right order. Current fascination with the life cycle embodies an awareness that success in politics or business depends on reaching certain goals on schedule; but it also reflects the ease with which developments can be electronically recorded. This brings us to another cultural change that elicits a widespread narcissistic response and, in this case, gives it a philosophical sanction: the emergence of a therapeutic ideology that upholds a normative schedule of psychosocial development and thus gives further encouragement to anxious self-scrutiny. The idea of normative development creates the fear that any deviation from the norm has a pathological source. Doctors have made a cult of periodic checkup - an investigation carried out once again by means of cameras and other recording instruments - and have implanted in their clients the notion that health depends on eternal watchfulness and the early detection of symptoms, as verified by medical technology. The client no longer feels physically or psychologically secure until his X-rays confirm a “clean bill of health.”
Medicine and psychiatry - more generally, the therapeutic outlook and sensibility that pervade modern society - reinforce the pattern created by other cultural influences, in which the individual endlessly examines himself for signs of aging and ill health, for tell-tale symptoms of psychic stress, for blemishes and flaws that might diminish his attractiveness, or on the other hand for reassuring indications that his life is proceeding according to schedule. Modern medicine has conquered the plagues and epidemics that once made life so precarious, only to create new forms of insecurity. In the same way, bureaucracy has made life predictable and even boring while reviving, in a new form, the war of all against all. Our overorganized society, in which large-scale organizations predominate but have lost the capacity to command allegiance, in some respects more nearly approximates a condition of universal animosity than did the primitive capitalism on which Hobbes managed his state of nature. Social conditions today encourage a survival mentality, expressed in its crudest form in disaster movies or in fantasies of space travel, which allow vicarious escape from a doomed planet. People no longer dream of overcoming difficulties but merely of surviving them. In business, according to Jennings, “The struggle is to survive emotionally” -to “preserve or enhance one’s identity or ego.” The normative concept of developmental stages promotes a view of life as an obstacle course: the aim is simply to get through the course with a minimum of trouble and pain. The ability to manipulate what Gail Sheehy refers to, using a medical metaphor, as “life-support systems” now appears to represent the highest form of wisdom: the knowledge that gets us through, as she puts it, without panic. Those who master Sheehy’s “no-panic approach to aging” and to the traumas of the life cycle will be able to say, in the words of one of her subjects, “I know I can survive… I don’t panic any more.” This is hardly an exalted form of satisfaction, however. “The current ideology,” Sheehy writes, “seems a mix of personal survivalism, revivalism, and cynicism”; yet her enormously popular guide to the “predictable crises of adult life,” with its superficially optimistic hymn to growth, development, and “self-actualization,” does not challenge this ideology, merely restates it in more “humanistic” form. “Growth” has become a euphemism for survival.
The World View of the Resigned
New social forms require new forms of personality, new modes of socialization, new ways of organizing experience. The concept of narcissism provides us not with a ready-made psychological determinism but with a way of understanding the psychological impact of recent social changes - assuming that we bear in mind not only its clinical origins but the continuum between pathology and normality. It provides us, in other words, with a tolerably accurate portrait of the “liberated” personality of our time, with his charm, his pseudo-awareness of his own condition, his promiscuous pansexuality, his fascination with oral sex, his fear of the castrating mother (Mrs. Portnoy), his hypochondria, his protective shallowness, his avoidance of dependence, his inability to mourn, his dread of old age and death.
Narcissism appears realistically to represent the best way of coping with the tensions and anxieties of modern life, and the prevailing social conditions therefore tend to bring out narcissistic traits that are present, in varying degrees, in everyone. These condition have also transformed the family, which in turn shapes the underlying structure of personality. A society that dears it has no future is not likely to give much attention to the needs of the next generation, and the ever-present sense of historical discontinuity - the blight of our society - falls with particularly devastating effect on the family. The modern parent’s attempt to make children feel loved and wanted does not conceal an underlying coolness - the remoteness of those who have little to pass on the next generation and who in any case give priority to their own right to self-fulfillment. The combination of emotional detachment with attempts to convince a child of his favored position in the family is a good prescription for a narcissistic personality structure.
Through the intermediary of the family, social patterns reproduce themselves in personality. Social arrangements live on in the individual, buried in the mind below the level of consciousness, even after they have become objectively undesirable and unnecessary - as many of our present arrangements are now widely acknowledged to have become. The perception of the world as a dangerous and forbidding place, though it originates in a realistic awareness of the insecurity of contemporary social life, receives reinforcement from the narcissistic projection of aggressive impulses outward. The belief that society has no future, while it rests on a certain realism about the dangers ahead, also incorporates a narcissistic inability to identify with posterity or to feel one self part of a historical stream.
The weakening of social ties, which originates in the prevailing state of social warfare, at the same time reflects a narcissistic defense against dependence. A warlike society tends to produce men and women who are at heart antisocial. It should therefore not surprise us to find that although the narcissist conforms to social norms for fear of external retribution, he often thinks of himself as an outlaw and sees others in the same way, “as basically dishonest and unreliable, or only reliable because of external pressures.” “The value systems of narcissistic personalities are generally corruptible,” writes Kernberg, “in contrast to the rigid morality of the obsessive personality.”
The ethic of self-preservation and psychic survival is rooted, then, not merely in objective conditions of economic warfare, rising rates of crime, and social chaos but in the subjective experience of emptiness and isolation. It reflects the conviction - as much a projection of inner anxieties as a perception of the way things are - that envy and exploitation dominate even the most intimate relations. The cult of personal relations, which becomes increasingly intense as the hope of political solutions recedes, conceals a thoroughgoing disenchantment with personal relations, just as the cult of sensuality implies a repudiation of sensuality in all but its most primitive forms. The ideology of personal growth, superficially optimistic, radiates a profound despair and resignation. It is the faith of those without faith.

I want to start by saying I am aware everyone's case is different. I'm not stating this is the ultimate cure for everyone since long covid is a unique case for each individual.
So I started experiencing long covid since Jan 2022 after an infection that passed fairly quickly, i got the vaccine a few weeks after. By July 2022 I starting experiencing strange symptoms which I know now to be long covid. I had two symptoms: A pressure throbbing facial pain 24/7 behind my nose, eyes and forehead and an elevated temperature 99.5-100F. I did the initial rounds like we all have and everything kept coming back normal, got on nerve medications but they failed. They told me I had atypical facial pain trigeminal neuralgia type 2. I was pretty much left in the dark. I didn't know what I had could possibly be long covid until March 2024. After finding people similar to my case, I talked to my doctor about it and started researching.
March 2024 I was put on Nurtec ODT this helped me manage my pain to some level, its used for migraines
April 2024: I started targeting the viral load and spike protein degeneration via supplementation and prescriptions.
Prescriptions:

1. Ivermectin - every other day for 6 days, now once a week. I will keep doing this for many more months regardless, and if i get infected again it will be first thing i take for 3 days straight. I saw this work first hand on my dad in 2021 but I didn't take it when i got infected.
2. Clarithromycin - Currently finishing up my 2 week course i got this for SIBO overgrowth from covid immune suppression. Its showing up on long haulers, overgrowth can cause brain fog and headaches. You can ask your provider for a test.

Supplements:

1. NAC - 500mg 2x a day for spike protein denaturation
2. Vit C - 1500-2000mg a day
3. Glutathione 250 mg once a day for spike protein denaturation
4. Nicotine gum - 2mg 2x a day (To bind to the acetylcholine receptors covid binds to, so it can be released and broken down with supplements)
5. Quercetin - 1x a day
6. Antihistamine - Allegra D 1x a day with a low histamine diet.
7. Vitamin B complex (therapeutic doses for nerve regeneration) - Brand: Nuphoria.com
8. Oregano oil - Antibacterial, antifungal, antiviral 2x a day for 3 weeks with a one week break in between.
9. Gut repai recover supplement - Brand: Mybrainco.com
10. Licorice root tea - Natural blood thinner that got recommended to me for possible covid microclotting
11. ashwagandha - 1x a day at bedtime, helps with covid.

Honorable mentions I didn't try: Nattokinase (for spike protein denaturation)
****IMPORTANT: STOPPED TAKING MAGNESIUM. I see people reacting to food even on low histamine diets. I had to even stop my multivitamin. Why cut magnesium off? My provider told me that mRNA strand was cut using an enzyme that is activated with magnesium, and deactivated with NAC, EDTA, high doses of vitamin C or glutathione. IF anyone knows how enzymes work, they help chemical reactions by catalyzing them to completion. I suspect this is why I still was reacting to food even on a low histamine diet.
Also could be why carnivore diet helps long haulers bc there is less magnesium in red meat, higher concentrations are in fruits and even higher in vegetables. Still some amount of magnesium will enter your body its in most foods and impossible to get 100% around it, but lowering it as much as you can could really help in your recovery.
Through out this whole process i started developing other covid symptoms I didn't have the past 2 years, I knew this was a good sign because they would only last 24hrs max. For example: Chest tightness, shortness of breath going up steps, fatigue. Recently I developed strange rotten smells and a metallic taste in my mouth. ALL of these were signs I was well on my way to recovery because my atypical facial pain and elevated temperature was 95% gone. Now I don't have ANY symptoms at all.

I 17f have been working at a company for over 2 years. Recently I have been really busy and I have a lot of stuff going on in my life. From high school graduation to injuries to sickness, you name it, it happened this past month. Some context: I am on antidepressants that make my immune system a little bit weaker than normal so I’m more prone to sicknesses and the only reason I stay on it is because it works like a charm my grandmother who is my legal guardian has been extremely busy for the past year because we adopted two little girls, her step-grandchildren. one of whom had gotten sexually assaulted. So she’s busy with court and therapy and everything for them. I lived with my grandmother and grandfather since I was 2 months old, all the way up until June of last year. this has been extremely hard on me as I have nowhere to direct my anger. I don’t wanna sound like a stuck up little brat, but I’ve always been an only child. This happened out of nowhere, and we was also told that they would only be there for five months max, it’s been over two years. I cannot direct my anger at those little girls because I’m not that kind of person and it is NOT their fault that they got sexually assaulted, I also cannot direct my anger at my grandmother or grandfather bc They were just trying to do a good thing and help these girls. However, I no longer get to go out on Saturday girls dates with my grandmother and my my grandfather never gets to take me fishing anymore. They are old and they will not be here much longer, I would love to spend my time with them, but I can’t because they are so busy. They didn’t even come to my senior prom Pictures.. i’ve been struggling on where to put my anger. Which has left me tremendously depressed and always angry and anxious. So excuse me if I don’t wanna work my shift a day. because I have no motivation. I literally feel like I lost my family. They were like my mother and father and it’s almost like they are just gone. Out of nowhere. As I mentioned, I’m also a senior in high school so I’m dealing with things from class night,senior sunrise, class night practice, graduation practice, baccalaureate, graduation, prom, and my birthday is May 27 but we are doing me a combined graduation party and birthday party on the 25th. I’m a busy girl these days. My grandmother as I mentioned is always busy so I don’t direct my anger towards her at all and I don’t want to sound like I’m being mean but I told her in December 2023 that my Therapy Place had appointments for me, one of which was my one year therapy assessment, my one year medicine assessment, and a nursing assessment, all of my Therapy Place would not let me schedule as I’m not 18 yet. I don’t know if she simply just forgot or just didn’t care, however I have slowly been running out of medicine and I am now taking 25 mg of a medicine that I’m supposed to be taking 150 mg of. This is the same medicine that causes me to be sick occasionally. it really happens whenever I take one and then forget to take one the next day so this drastic change of 150mg to 25mg in the span of 2 months has not been ideal. It’s making me sick and angry and sad and crazy. All of this has also been causing a lot of issues in my relationship with my boyfriend 18m. We’re arguing all the time and it’s not helping anything. So I have a lot going on. And yes, I have been calling out a lot, however, everything with graduation I told my ex boss about a MONTH ago. This is not new information. Out of NOWHERE he scheduled me to work around 40 hours (my normal hours are about 15-20 a week as I’m working on school and applying to colleges and focused on graduation ) However, today he feels the need to call me and explain to me in passive aggressive words how I am making his and everyone else’s life harder and saying a few other things which all equaled up to “your a big inconvenience for everyone” This alone really hurt as my boss and I always got along ok. He knew what I was going through but assumed I was a liar despite me being a manager for 2 years now and still felt the need to call me and tell me how much of a problem I am. I was honestly going to let this slide and work my last shift and then tell him not to put me on the schedule anymore. But this is when I called my best friend for advice! Then she proceeds to tell me, my boss and another female coworker were stalking my social media accounts to see if I was really hurt. ( I had an ankle injury caused by tripping over my dress walking out of prom.) And I’m not going to lie to you. I really really really hurt my ankle. I was wearing a boot. I have been cooped up in the house for about a week and a half and I was sick and tired of it. My sister and her boyfriend and my boyfriend were all over and we decided we want to go to topgolf. I figured I had rested enough and I was really eager to get out of the house. I got all dressed up and was wearing my boot as we went into Topgolf! Only to find out that we had to be 21 or older to go past the certain time. We tried to get our older siblings to come, but they were busy! I had gotten all dressed up for the first time in a while and I wanted to take some Instagram pictures. That way it didn’t feel like I got dressed up for nothing. I took my boot off and slipped a regular shoe on as I didn’t want to wear a big ass boot in my instagram photos. The girls that get it get it! In all of these pictures, I either have my hurt foot up off of the ground or I am holding it up equal to my knee. Because as I said it really hurt. So I posted my pictures and all was fine. I also made a few tick-tock‘s. Well apparently both of these actions were illegal. As my boss and his suck up of a coworker felt the need to stalk my social media to see if I was lying I guess. You can check the images yourself on instagram at @molleigh_1 After I found this out, I texted my boss as follows:
Ok, I was gonna let the whole “ passive aggressively calling me an inconvenience” thing slide, however i just don’t understand why you and Alana feel the need to search up my social media accounts and see what I’m doing but if you must know my instagram pictures were taken while my boot was off because I didn’t want to wear a big boot in my pictures. My boot was still in the car. If you look closely in the pictures you can see that I am leaning my weight on my good foot and have my bad foot either up in the air or I am not fully stepping on it. I also didn’t know it was illegal to post videos of myself on tiktok when I’m sick, that’s New info to me. I also just talked to my best friend who did not know about my foot injury, just told her about it. You can come ask my entire family if you’d like. They have seen me walking around the house in a boot. It’s not fair to assume I’m a liar as you weren’t there. You can’t tell if I’m in pain from a picture or video. it’s weird that you guys are looking up my accounts. That’s honestly creepy. Now that my parents and I know this creepy, unsettling information I will not be working that last shift, (I’m not allowed) you all can go stalk other people! If you feel the need to reply or have anything to say, you can contact (My dads number) Have the day you deserve, and goodbye.
Here’s the reasoning behind why he’s a pedo: - 40 yr old man who only hires teen girls. -Would always show up 5 mins after my shift started claiming he had work to do but then would sit in the office with me just to try and chat. - anytime he would arrive I would simply move my things out of the office and set out by the serving area to which he would say “ I didn’t kick you out you can come sit back here with me” - gave me sexual looks more than one time. - places security cameras in odd places such as facing the backs of his workers so he can look at their asses I’m guessing ( it’s not just one camera it’s all of them) - there’s been claims of him sexually assaulting his workers in the past (just found this out) -multiple workers have quit because they felt uncomfortable around him.
Am I the a hole? Did I do the right thing? Am I just being dramatic and overcomplicating this? Help!

I’m a 25 year old man. I was brutally bullied in high school and called a slave n***** boy any time I came across the dude who found joy in my suffering. He has given me black eyes which I had to go to the hospital to get checked, lifted me in the air while I was dizzy and slammed me on my stomach, body slammed me, put me in submissive head locks, spread rumours about me, called me the n word like it was nothing, and done a lot of other shady things behind close doors that I don’t know even since he had his group of friends supporting him.
He had my number back in high school and I have been receiving the same messages looking for the same "Karl" and "Kyle" every single month from 2016-2019. It was in 2019 where I received an apology from him (his 5th apology) about what he did to me in high school and said he already knows I hate my guts but wishes me the best. The messages stopped (but I changed my number the same year and deleted all my social media accounts). The bullies name Is Liam.
He has caused a lot of internal issues I still face every day of my life but now I realize he was still harassing me after high school because he didn’t have the chance to lay hands on me again because we never saw each other after grad.
I decided to check on Liam’s socials just to see and he’s deleted his instagram where he use to post pics of vacations with his girlfriend, videos of him shoulder pressing 90 lbs dumbbells on each arm and other ego filtered content. He only has Facebook and runs a business with a guy who he grew up with. This Liam kid graduated with marketing in 2023.
What do I do? For reference, I never received support throughout the bullying, I was isolated and further mocked. One of the reasons I have no friends

I always talked so highly about her to everyone I met. I'd cook for her, listen to all her problems, we've been physical intimate, I thought we were like tight. Known each other since I began transitioning like 6 years ago!
It feels like pulling teeth to get her to hang out, always with the excuse of being socially drained or something similar. It never really bothered me, I'm autistic and very loyal so like ofc I wanted my friend to rest and get better. She would call me whenever the impulse took her, often late at night to talk about problems of hers or just to talk at me about something. Sometimes she'd ask me my input on things and she always said how much she valued my opinion ect. I genuinely enjoyed these moments! I felt helpful and like I was really doing something good.
9/10 times when we hang out we end up in my bed watching a movie. Fine! I'm a cinephile and love showing people movies or really just watching anything. Cinematography is a huge passion of mine and I love analyzing films.
Without fail, whether I picked what we were watching or she did, she would
A) fall asleep B) immediately go on her phone for like the whole movie and do that upsetting thing people do where they ask you to fill them in despite making no attempt at paying any attention
And like! OK! I was glad my friend was getting rest. That's fine right? I'm just glad to be providing a space for my sweet lovely friend to unwind.
Weirdly the sex has been the least complicated thing in our friendship. I'm mostly ace and love giving head so ofc that works out fine.
And if you're starting to see the pattern develop well so have I.
The final straw that broke the back of realization for me is I can't count on 1 hand the number of times she's asked me how I'm doing and then not just immediately gone into a topic of her choosing. Because it never. Happens.
She says I love you after every conversation, she even elevated our fwb levels recently by initiating making out which we have never ever done before (I know that sounds silly juxtaposed against having sex but honestly it was kind of a big deal!)
I'm not asking for anything more than simply showing the base level of interest in me and just like giving a shit? I feel like I'm losing my mind it feels like I'm this dog that's been doing everything for someone and just now realizes they've never once got pet. What the fuck do I do if I can't even recognize when I'm being neglected?? This shit has genuinely shaken me to my core and made me question myself in ways that I don't know the answers to.
Sorry for the rambling format but fuck I'm hurting
TLDR I'm a dumb dog that doesn't even know when it's been kicked

I’m a 25 year old man. I was brutally bullied in high school and called a slave n***** boy any time I came across the dude who found joy in my suffering. He has given me black eyes which I had to go to the hospital to get checked, lifted me in the air while I was dizzy and slammed me on my stomach, body slammed me, put me in submissive head locks, spread rumours about me, called me the n word like it was nothing, and done a lot of other shady things behind close doors that I don’t know even since he had his group of friends supporting him.
He had my number back in high school and I have been receiving the same messages looking for the same "Karl" and "Kyle" every single month from 2016-2019. It was in 2019 where I received an apology from him (his 5th apology) about what he did to me in high school and said he already knows I hate my guts but wishes me the best. The messages stopped (but I changed my number the same year and deleted all my social media accounts). The bullies name Is Liam.
He has caused a lot of internal issues I still face every day of my life but now I realize he was still harassing me after high school because he didn’t have the chance to lay hands on me again because we never saw each other after grad.
I decided to check on Liam’s socials just to see and he’s deleted his instagram where he use to post pics of vacations with his girlfriend, videos of him shoulder pressing 90 lbs dumbbells on each arm and other ego filtered content. He only has Facebook and runs a business with a guy who he grew up with. This Liam kid graduated with marketing in 2023.
What do I do? For reference, I never received support throughout the bullying, I was isolated and further mocked. One of the reasons I have no friends

I had an SA yesterday, and wanted to give my story.
I live in a state where it is illegal and had to travel to Kansas (PP). I went to the Great Plains location. On paper, it said light sedation was available, but when I got there, I was told there would be no sedation so just a heads up as they do not offer this. I was hysterically crying because I have really bad anxiety, especially when it comes to pain. After the lady told me that, I asked if I had any other options for sedation and she basically told me to suck it up when I asked for her opinion on which I should do (whether that be medical or surgical). She was extremely rude and was not helpful at all, but the rest of my experience wasn’t as bad.
I would say the worst part of it all was really just the buildup and the waiting. I was there for about 2-3 hours total, a majority of the time was just the prepping and waiting. The procedure itself was 3 minutes because I was 5 weeks and 6 days. The nurse there was helpful. She held my hand and talked me through what the doctor was doing. I would say my pain level was a good 5 or 6, mostly towards the end when the doctor was doing the suctioning. After it was over, I was a bit dizzy and was expecting to see a lot of blood, but I looked down and nothing.
Just wanted to say that this experience was completely worth it for me. I’m on day 2, and I’m already feeling back to my normal self. Before my procedure, I did order the medical pills through AidAccess (which got delivered extremely fast BTW!), but after doing lots of research, I went with the surgical because I wanted the process to be over with as soon as possible. I am extremely glad I did this, and feel like I can overcome anything now.

Memory Transcript Subject: Carlos Jose Rodriguez, Mechanical Engineer, Florida Man
Date [Standardized Human Time]: December 29th, 2136
When Yalga passed out on the couch I sent a message to the family group chat making sure everyone knew of the situation.
I needed to get Yalga into the hospital, but I didn’t want to do it myself. Pyon also needed a sitter, so I was waiting for mom to come back so Salisek and I could focus on Yalga.
Me: Yalga burned herself on the heat pad. We’re taking her to the ER. Mom, could you come home to take care of Pyon.
Mom: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BURNED HERSELF?! We’re coming home!
Tarvik: On our way. We’ll help you take her.
I didn’t want to bother them, but I couldn’t complain. I needed help. While I waited for them to arrive I poured a cool glass of water for Yalga so she could hydrate herself when she gets up. I gently nudged her awake, which made her groan in discomfort as her eyes opened.
“Dad? What’s going on?” She asked weakly. Her voice was a little rough.
“I’m gonna take you to the doctor,” I answered bluntly. “I am aware, you don’t love doctors but these people can help you much better than me. I’ll be with you as much as I can, holding your hand. Can you be brave for me?”
My daughter nodded yes, so I got up and went upstairs to grab something we’re definitely gonna need. I also made sure Salisek got the news. She probably saw through the chat, but I needed to be sure.
I peeked into our room, or at least the room the girls were staying in together. “Honey?” I called the mother of my children. Salisek was cradling Pyon, trying to calm him down. Pyon was holding his teddy tight enough to cause some visible rips and tears. I need to ask mom to fix that later. “How is he?”
Pyon buried his face in Saliseks chest fur, and made some small whining sounds. “He’s scared. We heard Yalga scream and didn’t know what was going on. He soiled himself when he heard Yalga and has been crying for a while now. He only just stopped. He can sense I’m worried too.”
“You changed him right?”
“Yeah, although I didn’t think now was a good time for potty training. What are you getting?”
Salisek followed me to my mom’s room and watched me search around the closet. “Almost a decade ago, my dad was hit by a car. Something about the sensors being screwed up. He’s obviously fine now, but the car didn’t stop just in time so he broke a leg. Thank God that’s all he got. Anyway, he bought a wheelchair and kept it- Aha!”
I freed the simple contraption buried under a mountain of clothes dad considered put away and carried it downstairs.
“We’re gonna need this. It’s gonna be way easier to move Yalga.”
Salisek continued to cradle Pyon, rocking him back and forth, as she talked to me, “What do you need me to do?”
“Stay with Pyon.”
“No.”
“We’re not arguing about this. I need you to stay-”
“Pardon me, could you repeat that!? Have you forgotten that despite that fact we aren’t married yet we both signed as the legal guardians of both Pyon AND Yalga. Or did you want to call your barber for help?”
Hearing Salisek use her angry voice when talking about anything other than Exterminator and Federation bigotry felt like a punch in the gut.I tried to defuse the situation. That worked about as well as it did when dad tried it.
“Hun, that’s not what I mea-”
“MY-” Salisek paused when she remembered she was still carrying Pyon who was looking at her as if she yelled at him. “Oh, I’m so sorry pup just…” She shifted Pyon's position so he could bury his face into her fur to distract her. She softened her voice, but made it stern as steel. “My daughter is in an incredible amount of pain. She is scared, she is tired. I will be there. Pyon will come with, so he can see his sister being taken care of. I. Will. Be. There. For. My. Daughter. Am I clear?”
I help up my hands in defeat. “Okay. We’ll leave as soon as the family gets here.”
Saliseks voice and posture softened. “Okay. Again this time. What can I do?”
Seeing how serious she was, I realized doing this on my own was a stupid idea from the start. “Pack some snacks. I’m not getting overcharged for crappy hospital junk. And while you’re in the kitchen please grab more water for Yalga. I gotta make sure the bandaging is on well and she’s okay.”
“Okay.”
Salisek walked to the kitchen, still carrying Pyon. At times like these, I know I made the right decision marrying her.
“I love you sweetheart!” I called out.
“I love you too hun!” She called back.
I pulled the wheelchair out so Yalga could get in it. I could try and carry her, but unfortunately with her size and weight it would be better to transport her like this. Even if it’s a short distance.
“Daddy,” Yalga called.
“Yeah.”
“Are you and Mommy mad at each other?” She asked innocently. “Did I do something wrong? I heard Mom say my name.”
I knelt down to give my daughter an assuring kiss on her head. “No kiddo. We had a disagreement like all adults. It’s solved now. We still love each other.”
Despite her monotone voice, it couldn’t hide the tears building in her eyes. “Okay.”
I ignored it for the moment because she was probably gonna cry more in a moment. I opened the chair as much as it could go and gave the seat a nice solid pat.
“We’re gonna put you here, then we’re going to the Emergency Room.”
“Do I have to get up?”
“Yeah. You do. Grab my hand. We’ll go slow.”
Yalga held my hand and grasped it tight. I need to remember that she has a very strong grip. To keep her even I used my other hand to push her up from the other side so she didn’t have to do the work.
I’m so glad I go to the gym.
We slowly worked together to lift her up so she could sit straight.
“Ow, ow!”
“I know it hurts. Take your time.”
Once we got her up we had to get her into the chair. I thought about the best way to put her tail. Through the hole in the back? Would it just drag to the ground? Wait!
I went to the side of the couch where there was a thin blanket for me and Salisek when we slept here. If I can tie the blanket on the handles it can keep her tail up without squishing it. I just need to get her on first.
“Okay Princess. Let’s get up. Can you stand?”
“Y-Yeah. Um, Dad?”
Yalga awkwardly clutched her tail. “I need to use the bathroom.”
My eyes darted from the bathroom to the couch and back. “No better time to test the wheelchair.”
[Memory Transcript Time Skip: 40 Minutes]
Even though it was getting late the traffic was still a lot. Once Salisek was ready we both called our parents and they both said that traffic was heavy. With it being the last Saturday of the year, Florida residents and tourists alike were enjoying their day.
We decided to just meet at the ER. The blanket trick for Yalga’s tail worked well and it didn’t hurt too much for her to walk once she got up. However, sitting down hurt her a lot unless it was in the wheelchair. Her tail probably played a factor since it didn’t have a place to sit except on the side when dealing with regular chairs.
Once we got to the hospital I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t that packed. Because of increased tourism and parties things can get crowded this time of year. Thankfully that wasn’t the case today. I didn’t want my daughter waiting more than she had too.
When I opened the side door, Yalga was already half up just so she could get into a chair with room for her tail. I helped carry her down and rolled her through the hospital's parking lot.
Salisek was having a difficult time carrying Pyon. He was pretty nervous. “Mawmy, I don wan to gow en.”
I didn’t understand why Pyon was scared but Mawmy was able to calm him down. “It’s okay pup. This place is filled with very nice and smart people who can help your big sister.”
My daughter didn’t say much, instead she looked around the large hospital and took in all the architecture and bright lights at the front. The front and lobby areas were clean and comfortable which helped a little to ease the tensions of anyone going in with something they believe is serious.
I rolled Yalga straight to the front desk and we were greeted by the medical receptionist. “Hello, how may I help you?”
I smiled politely and spoke calmly, “Hello, I’m Carlos Rodriguez and this is my daughter Yalga. She was using a heating pad and unfortunately suffered some burns. I was able to patch her up a little, but the gels and methods we have are for humans so I want to make sure she can heal properly. I would also like a professional to look at other areas of concern dealing with her limbs and back.”
“Any pain, shortness of breath, chest pain, profuse bleeding?”
“Her back usually causes her pain and the burning made it worse.”
She gestured to my fiance and son, “Are those two with you?”
“The tall Venlil woman is Salisek, my fiance, and she’s holding our son Pyon. They came for emotional support and to assist with anything Yalga may need.”
“We’ll get you someone right away. Please wait in the lobby.”
“Thank you.”
I knew they probably wouldn’t rush us in since even though Yalga is in pain, there’s no direct threat to her life. The most they’d do is probably a tetanus shot. I suppose I’ll have to worry if Yalga reacts to needles. I’ll try to calm her down because I could tell Yalga was still tense. I rolled her to a seating area with a TV playing Tom and Jerry.
Peak Fiction
With all the stress Yalga was going through, there’s nothing like cartoon violence to ease the mood. What would also ease the mood is having the family visit which according to a message they just sent, they were already here just finding parking.
Soon everyone entered the hospital and after a quick chat with the receptionist, along with me flagging them down, they joined us in the lobby. Helen and Chalta ran to Yalga the quickest.
“Yalga, are you okay?!” Chalta asked. “We heard your back got hurt!”
Helen was about to tackle Yalga into a hug before I stopped her. “Helen, Yalga isn’t feeling well. Please be careful she’s in a lot of pain.” Helen was visibly worried but still gently gave Yalga a supportive hug.
“Get better soon please.”
Talice and Tarvik were surrounding Salisek, asking questions on how they could help.
“Mom, it’s fine, really.”
“No, it’s not fine. Your father and I are here to help so please be honest with us. We’ll help with anything you need. We’ll take Helen home soon but the moment you need anything we’ll be right there.”
“Why isn’t she seeing a doctor yet? What kind of place is this?!”
Mom went over to Salisek who was still holding Pyon. “I can take him sweetie, get some rest.”
Salisek cradled a stressed Pyon in her arms, “Do you wanna go with Grandma, little pup?”
“Gwandma.”
Salisek gently handed Pyon over to my mother who instantly knew how to calm him down. Salisek fell into the chair next to me. She was pretty exhausted and it was getting late. The stress of everything is what really made her worry. Seeing your child in pain isn’t fun. My father put a hand on each of our shoulders.
“Is everything alright?” he asked.
I looked over to my daughter who was trying to watch the cartoon with her sisters but still had a hard time focusing because of the pain, as evident by her trying to adjust herself. I gave her a tap on her shoulder and mouthed “how are you feeling?”. I could only hear a little whisper, but it was enough to understand she was saying “It still hurts.”
Dad could overhear what we were trying to say and knelt down next to Yalga. “What would you like to do when we leave?”
“I’m a little hungry. Can we go eat later?”
“Of course, anything you want.”
I was grateful for my dad, that we remembered to comfort Yalga in all this. I was so new to everything, not to mention the speed at which everything was happening.
…
Where’s the doctor!
“Carlos Rodriguez,” She called just as my patience was wearing thin. “We’re ready to see you now.”
“Thank you. One moment.”
I quickly talked with my parents and in-laws about who is going home and who is staying. My mom offered to take Pyon home and to tuck him in, Salisek agreed. Talice decided to go with and made sure to bring Chalta and Helen back since they knew they might get bored or cause trouble. Tarvik and Dad were conversing for a bit about who should stay before settling on Dad since he’s more familiar with the hospital.
Salisek gave Pyon a strong nose nuzzle, “I’ll see you later, okay Pyon? Mommy will be home soon. Be good to grandma, okay?”
“Owkay Mawmy.”
“I love you.”
“I wuv yu tu.”
Helen and Chalta gave Yalga a big, but gentle, hug.
“Get better soon.”
“We’ll play lots of games together when you get back.”
Everyone quickly said their goodbyes so it was just me, Yalga, Salisek, and Dad. We followed the nurse to a room and were asked to wait until the doctor arrived. Yalga was really on edge.
“Dad, are you gonna tell Odin about me?”
“It hasn’t crossed our minds. Do you want us to call him so you can talk for a bit?”
“No thank you, I don’t want him to worry.” My daughter fidgeted with her claws in shame. She didn’t want Odin to see her hurt. The moment she’s okay, I’m planning a date for her and Odin. With chaperones of course. “Are the doctors here nice?” Yalga asked nervously.
“Of course they are, Princess. Just answer honestly and they’ll help you get better.”
They’ll help you get better… I hope.
[Memory Transcript Time Skip: 60 Minutes]
“So the spray will help heal and clean the burn so it doesn’t get sick?” Yalga asked curiously.
“That’s right,” Dr. Brown stated. “Soon we’ll give you a small shot to help protect against tetanus. It’s a very dangerous condition that can happen when you get a cut or burn. But you’re being very brave, I’ll see if we can get you a treat later. That is, if your parents are okay with it.”
“gasp Can I daddy?! Pleeeeeeease, I’ve been soooo good.”
I smiled brightly, “Of course you can.”
Dr. Brown was a huge blessing. The guy had been working with kids for a while and was great with Yalga. He was really good at relaxing her and explaining to her what was going on. He was honest and genuine. Salisek really liked him too, and even asked some questions herself. I also remembered him during my reckless years. He recognized me too.
“You’re daddy was quite the troublemaker back in his day.”
“Really?”
“Yup, when he was small he proudly came to me with a broken wrist.”
“Why would he be proud of that?”
“He got it trying to impress his crush.”
Seven-year-old me told you that in confidence.
I awkwardly looked at Salisek, but all she could do was stare and slowly smile while turning to my dad for more information.
“Do you happen to know the full story, dad?” Salisek teased.
“Well daughter, Carlos had a small crush on this girl named Jessica in the second grade and he tried to impress her by jumping off the swing set. He succeeded and flung himself so far into the air that when he landed on his wrist he needed a cast for months.”
“H-Hey! You laugh but it worked. She sat next to me at lunch and gave me her lunchables, that’s like… the pinnacle of love in second grade.”
I earned a laugh from everyone in the room, which almost made me forget that it was at my expense.
“Um, what is a lunchable?” Dr. Triva asked. She was a Zurulian working with Dr. Brown, trying to work with and understand the Arxur biology. While she was important in treating Yalga’s burn with her experience with Harchen Exterminators she would be even more important in trying to understand her condition as a whole. Zurulians have the best medical understanding compared to… pretty much everyone.
“It’s a children’s meal kit for both vegan and non-vegan foods, it’s popular for kids in school lunches.” Dr. Brown took his eyes off his colleague and gave me a sly look. “But let’s be honest, there was never any real meat in those things.”
Yalga’s interests also peaked. “Were they tasty?”
“Back in my day they were the best part of school. They were also a status symbol. Having the best lunchables meant you were the coolest kid.”
“What was the best one, Daddy?”
“Pizza.”
Of course it was pizza. It’s always pizza.
Pizza is God’s gift to the world.
Dr. Triva grabbed the syringe for the shot while Dr. Brown prepped the area. The sight of the needle made Yalga nervous.
“D-Daddy, do we have to…”
“Hey Princess, look at this.”
Yalga took her gaze off the needle and onto my phone where I showed her my favorite distraction.
[Behold Distraction]
“What is that?” Yalga asked. “I like the sounds.”
The legend Zach Choi, his legacy continued by his descendants, loved making short videos of him just cooking. This one was one of the rare ones that didn’t feature meat. Yalga was fully entranced into the process that she didn’t even react to the needle or the bandaid.
“Good job my beautiful pup!” Salisek cheered.
“Yeah… in a minute, mom.”
Dr. Brown chuckled, “I think I should start using those for nervous patients, right Dr. Triva?”
“Yeah… in a minute, Dr. Brown.”
I took my phone away before everyone forgot why they were here and we were ready to proceed. The doctors wanted to really get a look at Yalga and her condition. On the promise of peanut butter cookies and meat lovers pizza Yalga bravely went through all the X-Ray’s, bloodwork, medical history, and any other examinations they needed.
It took a while and she was starting to get frustrated with all the tests, but she persisted, and soon it was over. They allowed us to stay the night to monitor the burn area in case complications arose. So we all stayed in the hospital room, enjoying our time together as if it was a little adventure.
“Mommy look, the bed moves!”
“Pup, please don’t break it.”
Yalga went crazy when she saw how many buttons the hospital bed had, and needless to say, she was enjoying it. She kept Dad occupied with all her questions both about the hospital and about anything else her mind could think of. She was happy to be done with the tests.
“Grandpa, do you think they’ll let me see my bone pictures later?”
“Sure, but they need someone who is trained to look at them first and show them to the doctors.”
“There’s someone who knows how to look at pictures of bones?”
“Yup, they can see things we can because they’re bone smart. Do you wanna be a doctor when you grow up?”
“I dunno. Maybe I can be a doctor for bones, a bone doctor!”
It was nice seeing her happy, but Salisek and I were still worried about what they would find. What would it take to heal Yalga? Could they do it? I think so, but how long will it take? I don’t care about the financial cost, I care about the physical and mental toll it would take on Yalga. But would we have a choice?
I looked to my fiance who was rapidly tapping her foot onto the ground, impatiently waiting for the doctor to come back in and give us the news on Yalga’s condition.
“It can’t be that bad right?” she whispered. “With aid from the Zurualians they must have a way to easily fix Yalga’s condition. So what’s taking them so long?”
“They’re probably just double checking some things. I’m sure it’s nothing.” I could tell she was still stressed, so I held her hand and kissed her cheek. “Our daughter will be fine.”
Salisek tried to keep herself from crying for Yalga’s sake, but had the doctors not finally arrived she might’ve broken.
“Carlos, Salisek? You’re the parents correct?” Dr. Trivia asked. “I’ll just need to see you both very quickly to discuss some things.”
Finally ready for some answers we quickly got up, kissed our baby goodbye for now, and followed the Zurulian to a small room with Dr. Brown.
“Mr. Rodriguez and Mrs., do you prefer to be called Salisek or are you fine with adopting Mrs. Rodriguez?” The doctor politely asked.
“I’m fine with either, but I would like to get used to Mrs. Rodriguez.” I could feel her hand strengthen her grip in mine.
“Wonderful,” Dr. Brown took out a small folder that showed some of Yalga’s X-Rays, notes, and documents. “First things first, your daughter's burns should heal very soon.”
“Courtesy of Zurulian medicine and Harchen Exterminator Accidents.”
“Yes, thank you Dr. Triva. But of course this is not the only information you wanted to know about. The condition of your daughter is concerning. Not only because of the condition of her injuries, but also her condition that allows her body to grow at an exaggerated rate.”
Dr. Triva put the X-Ray slides on a projector for us to see. Seeing Yalga’s bones and how badly they were broken made my stomach turn, and my heart sink. I could hear Salisek’s gasp from how shocked she was.
It looked like a child had rearranged the right side of her body like a poorly constructed jigsaw puzzle. What made things worse was that the other side of her body looked nearly untouched meaning we could see all the damage her sperm donor did. I know how it felt to have broken a few bones as a kid. Her life would’ve been torture for me. I have know idea how she could live like that.
Why didn’t I take her here the moment we got home? How long has she been suffering like this?
“As you can see the limbs that didn’t grow as much were the ones that were injured the most. Trauma can be a factor in how limbs develop,” Dr. Triva explained. “You can see here how the bones didn’t heal correctly. Upon questioning your daughter it’s no question her back holds the most problems, but looking at her arms and legs it’s possible they’re also providing an incredible amount of discomfort and pain.”
Salisek wrapped her tail around my leg nervously. “So, what does this mean?”
“It means,” Dr. Brown continued. “That before we even think about her back we should address what’s going on in the rest of her body. If you look at her pelvic bone you can see it isn’t straight due to her walking on uneven legs for lord knows how long. So we think it would be best to first start realigning the bones as well as doing the appropriate extensions. My only concern is that her accelerated growth may cause complications, so she’ll need to visit here frequently.”
My fiance’s grip tightened as she looked deeper into the X-Rays, “I see. How long will it take for her to recover?”
“Several months, due to the severity of it. We can do the arms and legs separately, but that would be up to you. There’s a possibility it could take longer. We just can’t be certain with her growth, but we’ll have experts working round the clock on her case.”
“I-I see. But you can help her right?”
“We will do all within our power to make sure your daughter is healthy and lives a pain free life.
“Thank you… could you give us a moment. We would like to let our daughter know about it before we make arrangements.”
“Of course. Please let us know when you’re ready.”
We politely walked out of the room and turned around the corner away from where Yalga was.
“Honey?” I asked. “Is everything okay?”
I almost fell over when she pulled me in for a hug. I could barely hear her through her bleats and cry’s. “Look at what that monster did to her.”
First Previous

After several hours, and many ruined combat servitors later, the Muse sat in the Officer's Mess Hall of the Conqueror. Tessarius had left him, saying that he had nothing to fear from the Astartes of the XII. He was supping on the same pale nutrient paste the Astartes supped on. He wished he was back with Fulgrim aboard the Pride of the Emperor drinking wine and eating real food when a woman sat on the seat across from him.
"Hello miss," he coughed, rising from his seat in a gesture of decorum. He bowed slightly. "Heinrich Verity," he grinned and extended a hand to shake hers.
"Rose," she said without extending her hand in turn. A bit flustered he sat back down on his seat.
"A pleasure Mamsell Rose," the Muse said. The woman had a hard look about her. Strong, fit, scarred. Maybe someone from the clans of the Gunnery Deck? But why did she wear the Butchers Nails of the XII? He couldn't fathom why she had been allowed up here.
"You're Fulgrim's thing then? Is that right," she said assuredly.
Heinrich's posture sharpened slightly, his eyes narrowing.
"Excuse me," he asked.
"Her Muse? Or whatever? The one Lotarra is up in arms about because you destroyed a few servitors with that voice of yours?"
The Muse blushed slightly. He wasn't a singer. He didn't really understand where the Noise he was able to produce came from.
"Well yes...that is me I suppose. I do resent being referred to as the Primarchs thing though," he felt a disturbing force welling in his throat. "We are partners if that's what you meant."
Mamsell Rose laughed long and hard and banged the table, the laugh settling into snorts and giggles.
"Are all you III Legion bastards so proper," she asked.
"Are all XII Legion crewman allowed to dine in the Officer's Mess," he bit back angrily.
Mamsell Rose stood. He saw the Nails in her scalp ticking. He wasnt entirely sure how the horrid Archeotech affected the XII, but he was aware of the influence they had on the aggression of those cursed to wear them. Her powerful muscles flexed as she easily vaulted the table to sit on the stool next to him.
"Oh pretty little Muse, we are more alike than you think," she said wrapping her arm, impossibly large, around his shoulders.
"How do you mean Mamsell," he asked doing his best not to flinch from the contact and staring into her black eyes.
"We're both damned," she said flatly, in a near whisper. "Angron made the whole Legion get the Nails. Many fought it. She killed them. I underwent the process to make her happy...because I love her so," the Muse saw tears welling in the Mamsells eyes and how hideously the Nails began to tick. "Tell me pretty Muse...what have you done to make Fulgrim happy?"
Heinrich thought of the many surgeries he had undergone at the hands of Lieutenant-Commander Fabius. Thought of the power now welling in his throat.
"I've...everything in my power. I love her," the Muse whispered back.
"And yet here we are. Two damned things. In love with damned things," Mamsell Rose said.
"Primarch Fulgrim... and Primarch Angron... are loyal children of the Emperor. I dont understand..." Heinrich stammered.
Rose caught him easily by the throat and squeezed. Heinrich watched the Nails ticking harder than ever, tears streaking down Rose's face.
"If you think that? If you really think that!? Go back to Fulgrim when we're in orbit over Istvaan III. ASK HER WHY WE'RE REALLY HERE!"
She threw him then. He passed over a few tables before landing on the floor of the Mess Hall dragging chairs with him until he was sprawled in a mess.
When he got up Mamsell Rose was gone.

CAUTION: LONG!
So this has happened to me once before (over a decade ago) and the whole ordeal seriously left me with PTSD. Back then, a vitamin recommended to me by a physio to treat a pinched nerve broke out what was great skin so I made the mistake of throwing all kinds of things at the issue. I learned my lesson and have kept a gentle, simple, natural routine ever since. My skin has been lovely, calm and clear as a result - even downright glowy and dewy.
Ironically, it was an oil for a recent ear infection (when antibiotics failed) which dribbled onto my skin that I believe must've done this. First, it gave me clogs which I only massaged a bit of jojoba oil into and I exfoliated twice in, oh gee, two weeks rather than my usual 4-6 weeks because, twice-over, I noticed some skin peeling in the area where the oil would land (I would wipe it and/or wash it off, but would awaken to find more had come out and onto my temporary (used a different one while this was going on) pillow so my skin was resting against that stuff for hours). I haven't taken an antibiotic for 9 or 10 years prior to this. Indeed, I always get a little stinging blotch by my right eye, on-off, for awhile after taking them and this time was no different. I'm wondering if they even messed with my skin's microbiota, contributing to this some and for what?! They didn't even cure the infection (which I thought could be viral since it lead on from a cold)! I understand there are barrier creams which contain probiotics/prebiotics and these interest me.
For said exfoliation, I always use ground oats mixed with a hydrosol or spring water which I then gently massage over my skin. This is what I have done for years and which a Garden of Wisdom skin consultant who worked with me back during the first round of an impaired skin barrier, okayed. I usually only do this every 4-6 weeks - sometimes going for longer, I'm just not a strong believer in exfoliating the skin on the face often, ironically.
So, last week, after the second exfoliation followed by my usual (gentle!) skin routine, my face flipped out within hours. I use no acids, no other actives, no alcohol-containing products or harsh, stripping cleansers. Hell, I don't even use masks anymore! I wear no makeup and my sunscreen for my face is a solid 50 SPF hat and a little raspberry seed oil.
I have sensitive skin - mostly normal - but it can be prone to clogs when it comes to heavier stuff. Last time my barrier got nuked, I was recommended a moisturizer with beeswax and I knew better than to use it but was desperate. I then paid with 60 clogged pores all over my face and neck which led to a summer of broken out skin while the mess purged. Since entering perimenopause (I'm 46), I've had perioral dermatitis rashes which I've learned to control and heal up, wholistically, within a day or two (they're also usually pretty mild). But,, I know many of you are going to suggest I slather Vaseline or diaper cream on my face but with PD (which I'm more vulnerable to now with my messed up barrier), you can't use anything too occlusive and, frankly, I clog up and break out when it comes to heavy creams and ointments. Heck even light ones can break me out which is why a combo of oil ( SIBU Sea Buckthorn Seed Oil)+ Avene Thermale Water spray +Caudalie Grape Water + hydrosol (helichrysum or frankincense).
My hydrosols sting and sometimes also the pure aloe vera gel I have always cleansed my skin with (I also just use water now and then too) since the last time this happened sometimes burns, even plain water does and my favorite oil seems to be doing didley squat to help this (unlike last time). I am still using Avene and Caudalie (also has prebiotics) sprays because they mostly soothe.
Before and in being an herbalist, I made certain herbal concoctions and they were a huge saving grace then but now - they either soothe me or, alternatively and oddly, make my skin itch in my lower cheeks. I hadn't needed to be on one for 9 or 10 years prior to this. Indeed, I always get a little blotch by my right eye on-off for awhile after taking them.
Right now, I'm using products from Garden of Wisdom's soothing line plus their ceramides serum, but I just don;'t know if they're helping or hurting. It's only been a week since I started and they really seemed to soothe me for a couple of days but now, I think a couple items could be irritating me - not sure. They were suggested to me by their rep (who also suggested I use a product with friggin' tea tree and oregano oils for the zits I'm getting with this ordeal! Hell to the no! She also didn't steer me in the direction of their ceramides serum which some reviewers say healed their barriers, or another barrier-healing serum which I was considering, but I got another she suggested instead (which I find sticky and possibly irritating).
I have an excellent whole foods diet, take certain skin-supportive nutrients (and have for years) and try and drink plenty of water every day. To make things even more complicated, I'm having hormonal night sweats which are, no, doubt, not helping this due to the loss of fluid. If I leave sweat on my face, I break out and here I'm trying to keep my face cleansing to one to two times a day (using just lukewarm water in the day, aloe vera gel or, occasionally the GoW cleanser at night). Normally, I go and give my face a quick rinse when this happens, but normally my moisture barrier isn't disrupted! I'm newly onto a wild yam cream which was a life-saver for me in my 20s so we will see how it works now.
I am open to not-so-natural things just to get this healed, but I'm not open to stuff that's just gonna leave me with other problems like multiple clogs, zits and PD flare-ups. I'm hearing just a simple, gentle cleanser (am highly allergic to sulfates! I also cannot do denatured and other drying alcohols!) and a good barrier cream might heal the compromised barrier in 2-12 weeks (and I'm already at 4, having had a few setbacks, unfortunately). Last time, it took far, far, far, FAR longer and my skin was reactive for quite some time afterward. I just don't have the patience for that, or the emotional/mental stamina to cope with it taking that long again. I'm really going to miss my hydrosols for however long this is going to take. Last time, helichyrsum soothed me so what the hell with this time?!
This ordeal has me in a lot of pain, distress and I'm mucho depressed as this is the 'straw that broke the camel's back' when it comes to my life at present. Frankly, my whole head is a mess at this point: chronic eye and ear issues (have ETD now since the infection now), the return of migraines after several years without, three lost dental fillings in the space of a few months and now my facial skin health is screwed!
With me, it's different because it's not like I need to pare things back since I normally have such a simple, gentle routine anyway. It's more like I still need a simple routine, but with certain added healing and soothing factors which are going to help, and get, my skin to recover, a.s.a.p. I've also thought of just using water to cleanse my skin with and spritzing with just some Avene - nothing else - and seeing how that goes for a couple of weeks. But I worry how my skin might feel in the process.
Thank you so much for any advice.

Writing this super high so, if its bitchy I am so sorry.
Ive been dating this guy for almost a year now. He's almost 30 at this point. I'm 22. Its been great so far. He's met my friends, they love him. I've met his friends, we get along. I've met some of his family. We've been on like 4 or 5 little weekend trips or week trips together. Our relationship has been great for me. I met him last year, as I was going through an awful breakup. He didn't start as a boyfriend, just somebody I met, but he was there when I needed someone to listen, he was kind to me when I needed it and after my ex moved out, he came over and told me he had developed feelings for me and he asked me on our first date. That went spectacularly well and now we're here.
He treats me better than any man I've ever been with before. Hands down. This relationship has brought out sides of me that I didn't know I had. Now I'm into like going out and having fun and I'm into traveling and sports and shit. Like, even sexually this relationship has pulled me out of a rut from my last relationship and has like brought out the dominant sides in me and has gotten me into topping. Like the fact me and him can fuck twice in a day and both cum at the same times?? Never experienced anything like that before.
The problem for me at this point is how well its going. We're almost a year in. At this point he's aggressively talking about and brining up moving in together. Feels like healthy/natural progression of a relationship. But omg i am SCARED about this. Feel like this is going too well. I walk around feeling like i'm in a fairytale with him. This feels like too peaceful of an ending for me to have this early. Part of me feels like its too good to be true and its all going to blow up. Like this is shit that happens to pretty people on facebook, I'm not even that pretty.
Then the toxic part of me steps in and says, dont let it blow up. Bring it all to a stop before it can blow up, that way you're not the one whose hurt this time.
It just sucks because every time he holds me and I look in his eyes, I see my ex. and that terrifies me because he was an awful experience for me that i would rather live the rest of my life alone than go through again :( anybody else going through any shit (to be more descriptive - anxiety, about things suddenly going south or a relationship suddenly going to shit after someone shows their true colors) like this or been through it?

I have had feelings for him for the longest time, we got really close and i told him recently i dont know how he feels about me so i need to take a step back . We would call for hours, and in bed every night. I came back recently and he told me he did have feelings for me but was scared to go foreward with them incase things went badly and ruined things for us, and i re assured him. It seemed to work because we met up since and had a really great time, we've been flirting and making excuses for little games to touch eachothers hands and playfight. It all felt like it was falling into place, but just now he told me everything in his life (some friend drama, family drama, uni work) is getting in the way and he sometimes feels like he should go away from all of his friends forever so he can deal with it alone and so they dont have to worry about him. I told him i wouldnt like that and it would hurt them if he left, and practically begged him to stay. I dont know what came over me, wether its my recent birth control change making me emotional or because its almost 3 am when this conversation took place. I told him i wish things were as simple as when i lost feelings for him when we both took a temporary step back because it means i wouldnt care as much about this. He said if thats what would help i could do it again, but this seems odd because he just said he had feelings for me and is so clearly showing he does. He has a past of liking people romantically but leaving because life gets in the way and then regretting it, so i think maybe he does like me but perhaps wants to step away from everyone and maybe doesnt want to leave his feelings behind for me like he did with people before but feels like he has to,. He told me now he knows people would be upset if he left it helps with him not wanting to as much. I told him im sorry for begging him to stay, and that if he wants to stay it should be because he wants to stay and not give up what we have and not just because i want him to. Things finally felt good and i can feel he really doesnt want to give up what we have but based on his past that hes told me he naturally just kinda runs. I told him i dont want him to regret what he'll miss out on and the connections he has. He seemed finally happy. I wanted to say he has run before and talks about how he misses them and he wish he never did and that now could be the turning point for that, but it didnt feel like my place to say especially through message where it felt like it could be taken the wrong way. I asked to call tomorrow to talk about it, im planning to say it then and i also said through message that i only want people who want me and im unsure why i begged him to stay, and that i do want him to stay but if he leaves then thats his choice. I plan to say in call that i only want people who want me as much as i want them and wont just leave what we had behind, because them leaving tells me what i needed to know and is the closure i need. I dont know if thats too harsh and will make me seem mad at him, but i really dont know what to do. Things were going so well and i guess the idea he could just up and leave it really hurts and does make me a bit mad. But i worry if i say that stuff that he will think im mad at him and leave anyway. But i want him to know that leaving is serious, i dont wanna just beg him to stay, its not like me. I dont want to play the victim, i never have and i usually think if someone can leave me im happy they did because i dont want someone who can just leave but this feels un justified because i know he wouldnt feel happy about leaving and he would miss what we had. I really dont know how to go about this one. If i tell him its quite upsetting and that i feel like hes made this mistake before, i feel like the asshole. AITAH?

My last post, where I really just wanted shed light on some details regarding Evolved Godzilla brought up some real toxic responses regarding Thermonuclear Godzilla vs Evolved Godzilla. So I wanted to make sure no one missed this because honestly every Godzilla is an amazing Godzilla but people need to accept reality.
This breakdown will go over TNG as he appears in KotM and EG as he appears in GxK using facts and feats from both.
Let me say this whole debate is ridiculous to begin with but regardless:
TNG's most present attribute is the extreme ambient heat he radiates and his nuclear pulse - lets address that first. TNG was able to withstand his own thermonuclear reaction so EG would be able to as well, even more so due to his vastly improved thermoregulation abilities.
Both TNG and EG would buff each other purely by proximity to each other considering that Godzilla absorbs and gains strength from radiation - However TNG releases much more ambient radiation in much greater amounts, in conjunction with the fact that EG has x20 times the energy capacity he would be able to store more energy than TNG - ie EG receives a far greater buff than TNG, 20 times greater in fact.
We also see that EG has vastly superior resistance if not immunity to temperature based attacks in general as we see in just before the end of the first big fight in hollow earth EG is completely covered in in the same ice attack that basically sent Kong running after getting hit once on the hand - and shake it off like shower water - light work no reaction. (Kong fans really like to forget this) so that extreme ambient heat is going to have very little to no affect on him.
So Nuclear Pulse? EG eats that and asks for seconds, Extreme Ambient Heat? EG enjoys the weather.
So we've addressed TNG's most most unique aspects and not only do they not bother EG, he actively benefits from 1 of the 2.
So what are we left with? Physical Prowess and Durabilty. EG is leaner, faster and more maneuverable all around we see this simply from the way Godzilla moves in both films. Strength EG can only be equal to or greater than TNG but there is not enough info so lets say they have equal strength.
Durability? Easy, we see EG's skin is confined to be much harder than ever before so point to EG.
SO LETS BE CLEAR, TNG maybe be able to shoot off a bigger boom, but if he cannot kill EG what the fuck is the point? Just ask Vegeta how his final flash has worked out for him.
TNG has no win condition against EG, who is faster, more durable and has more energy which means more ammo, more endurance. (Dont forget radiation is food to Godzilla it powers his body as much as his attacks.)
TL:DR - TNG has no shot against EG. His extreme ambient heat and nuclear pulse cant hurt EG in any significant way. He is slower, less maneuverable and has less stamina than EG and is far less durable. If they were to fight, there is no way for TNG to put EG down, and eventually TNG would be tired out by ENGs greater durability, speed and endurance and EG would take the win.
TL:DR EVOLVED GODZILLA > THERMONUCLEAR GODZILLA.

I have had feelings for him for the longest time, we got really close and i told him recently i dont know how he feels about me so i need to take a step back . We would call for hours, and in bed every night. I came back recently and he told me he did have feelings for me but was scared to go foreward with them incase things went badly and ruined things for us, and i re assured him. It seemed to work because we met up since and had a really great time, we've been flirting and making excuses for little games to touch eachothers hands and playfight. It all felt like it was falling into place, but just now he told me everything in his life (some friend drama, family drama, uni work) is getting in the way and he sometimes feels like he should go away from all of his friends forever so he can deal with it alone and so they dont have to worry about him. I told him i wouldnt like that and it would hurt them if he left, and practically begged him to stay. I dont know what came over me, wether its my recent birth control change making me emotional or because its almost 3 am when this conversation took place. I told him i wish things were as simple as when i lost feelings for him when we both took a temporary step back because it means i wouldnt care as much about this. He said if thats what would help i could do it again, but this seems odd because he just said he had feelings for me and is so clearly showing he does. He has a past of liking people romantically but leaving because life gets in the way and then regretting it, so i think maybe he does like me but perhaps wants to step away from everyone and maybe doesnt want to leave his feelings behind for me like he did with people before but feels like he has to,. He told me now he knows people would be upset if he left it helps with him not wanting to as much. I told him im sorry for begging him to stay, and that if he wants to stay it should be because he wants to stay and not give up what we have and not just because i want him to. Things finally felt good and i can feel he really doesnt want to give up what we have but based on his past that hes told me he naturally just kinda runs. I told him i dont want him to regret what he'll miss out on and the connections he has. He seemed finally happy. I wanted to say he has run before and talks about how he misses them and he wish he never did and that now could be the turning point for that, but it didnt feel like my place to say especially through message where it felt like it could be taken the wrong way. I asked to call tomorrow to talk about it, im planning to say it then and i also said through message that i only want people who want me and im unsure why i begged him to stay, and that i do want him to stay but if he leaves then thats his choice. I plan to say in call that i only want people who want me as much as i want them and wont just leave what we had behind, because them leaving tells me what i needed to know and is the closure i need. I dont know if thats too harsh and will make me seem mad at him, but i really dont know what to do. Things were going so well and i guess the idea he could just up and leave it really hurts and does make me a bit mad. But i worry if i say that stuff that he will think im mad at him and leave anyway. But i want him to know that leaving is serious, i dont wanna just beg him to stay, its not like me. I dont want to play the victim, i never have and i usually think if someone can leave me im happy they did because i dont want someone who can just leave but this feels un justified because i know he wouldnt feel happy about leaving and he would miss what we had. I really dont know how to go about this one. How do i do this reddit? Thankyou!
TLDR; Things were finally going well with us, but he seems to have a habit of running and wants to even though he says he'll feel sad about it. What do i do?

I got my first beta fish in March and since then he has had a strange sort of swelling on his lower right chin. After doing an aquarium salt, treatment for a while with him the redness went away and swelling reduced. Overtime and water changes. The salinity of his tank slowly dropped. He’s been doing really really well for several weeks in his new planted tank, a recycled heavily planted 10 gallon tank with filtration and heater that I purchased off of someone local. It has dwarf grass, a couple of Java ferns and two snails in it. All of my parameters seem to be met and things have been going really well. The swelling started again though. The same day for the very first time he left from his tank and landed about four or 5 feet from the kitchen counter directly on the floor. I did not see him jump, but someone who happened to be here helping me with something did thankfully. I tried to get him into the tank quickly without hurting him and he seemed pretty shook up but Continued acting relatively normal the next few days. I let him calm down from the incident and the following day, I moved him into a heated hospital tank so I would not kill the plants and snails in the cycled tank with an aquarium salt treatment. I’ve also begun using kanaplex antibiotic by Seachem. My fish, despite the aquarium salt and the antibiotic is progressively worsening. The swelling has not gone down, and he now has severe Popeye, along with an inflamed gill, and he can no longer keep himself balanced/his equilibrium in the tank, which makes me worry that he struggling to get air. He’s also stopped eating about Three days ago except for two thawed blood worms about two days ago.
I really don’t know what to do for him, and I am scared that he is just going to suffer and suffer until and I really don’t know what to do for him, and I am scared that he is just going to suffer and suffer until an inevitable death. I do not want to euthanize him, but I’m struggling to know how to help him with what seems to be an underlying condition paired with severe trauma from his fall. Admittedly, as much time and energy as I have spent on trying to give him a wonderful life, I am woefully inexperienced, and an online vet said I could try to feed him by hand, but it might be difficult… Along with everything else that I’m trying, and he seems to be worsening despite all of my efforts. I just don’t know what to do right now…

So my ex and I (23f, 25f) broke up a little over 3 months ago. It was really brutal, I was blindsided, but at the same time I hurt her quite a bit as well. We were really toxic towards the end and I genuinely think this was for the best.
Like an hour and a half after we have the breakup conversation, Im at home trying to process things and she texts me a picture of her mom’s dog wearing a kansas city chiefs shirt and says “I fear you would have left me over this anyways” (Context for anyone who doesn’t care about sports, I just straight up don’t like the Chiefs and they were playing in the super bowl again that weekend). I didn’t respond at all and just felt really hurt, we broke up under strange circumstances and I was left feeling like she just didn’t like me and I was resigned to the fact that she didn’t respect me anymore, so getting a joke text within 2 hours of breaking up hurt a lot tbh. Like what was I supposed to say?
Fast forward two days, I didn’t respond to her dumb joke and she texts me at like midnight saying “Im sorry, I’ll learn forgiveness, you were my best friend and I hope we can be friends again” and then says a bunch more stuff the next morning like “We should talk soon”, “nobody understands me like you, I just want to speak with you about this and nobody else but we can’t and it sucks”. My sister and my friends told me to block her but I held strong for some reason. I just couldn’t let go.
Then a few MORE days later I decided to respond with no words, I send her the laundry/taxes meme from Everything Everywhere All at Once, partly because it was sentimental and we did have a really special relationship at one point, and also because lowkey the last thing I dropped off for her was her W-2 and her laundry. She responds saying we should talk soon, and says all kinds of stuff like “I miss you lots”, “Maybe we just need time to be our own people”, “Im still wearing the ring you gave me” (context: It wasn’t a promise ring or engagement ring or anything, just was one of the first birthday presents I ever got her and was one of the first gifts I ever bought someone where I spent real real money on, so it at least meant SOMETHING to us), and a whole bunch of other sentimental stuff, concluding with “Im here whenever you’re ready to speak.” These messages all really hurt me and multiple ppl told me to block her but once again, I just couldn’t bring myself to.
Now, a few more days go by and she texts me about a performance one of our mutual friends’ invited us to. She asked if I was gonna go and said if I was then she would back out. This just bothered me SO MUCH, not only had I forgotten all about this performance and had zero intention of going given the state I was in, but it was just a question that NEEDED an answer, I couldn’t just leave her on read again, right? I responded and kinda showed too much of my feelings and how hurt I was, and we spoke a bit over text. She admitted she handled our breakup inappropriately and also said that marriage was still a possibility for us (Mind you, in our final argument as a couple she pointed at me and goes “Does this even look like marriage material?” which I still think about to this day). It was….jarring. I pretty much clung on to that hope. Then at the end she completely switched her stance and said SHE needed time and that she would let ME know when she was ready for a conversation, saying she needed two weeks.
Fast forward a few weeks, we had been in contact only to exchange our belongings, but she blocked me after I told her she could leave one of my hats in the mailbox if she didnt want to see me. So I message her dad a week later in order to get my things back and get that all sorted. However, one of my friends informed me that she was speaking to a boy in one of her psych courses who had been hitting on her. This kinda sent me down the rabbit hole and I message her dad again asking for some of my stuff back. Mind you, Im still blocked at this point so if I wanted it back, I had to go through him. The thing she still had of mine was my nice pillow which i had given to her to take to her dorm, and even a few days after the breakup she had said stuff like “Im still sleeping on the pillow you gave me” so at this rate I just wanted it back. Her dad immediately assumed I had blocked her and he tried to speak to me like I was his kid and I told him “your daughter is the one who blocked me” and he got really embarrassed. I get unblocked and get my pillow back bc I dont know how youre still sleeping on it while speaking to the first dude that hits on you (Mind you this girl swore she was a lesbian and was always worried I would cheat with a boy). I get the pillow back, she compliments my hair bc I had gotten it done, and we go on our separate ways.
Now, I messaged her a couple more times because I kept finding stuff of hers at my place. Id dropped some of it off at her dad’s place bc he lives in town. Fast forward to my birthday exactly 2 months after we breakup, she texts me at 9pm saying “Happy birthday” and nothing else. Wtf. I didn’t reply and I actually was super lonely on my bday so she was the last person I wanted to hear from.
I think I made the mistake of trying to bring one of her things to her a week later because I was visiting a friend who lived by her campus. This is where I feel she thinks I might be the one trying to drop breadcrumbs. It was super awkward, i just handed her her stuff and she said something completely inaudible but sounded like “take care” or something along those lines. And NOW is where I make the ultimate mistake of asking why that was weird once she got back into her building. She was basically like “im still healing, don’t message me unless theres stuff of mine thatyou have. I dont want to speak to you for a very long time if not ever”. So in 2 months I go from “im here whenever youre ready” to “dont speak to me ever”.
I told her that I am still healing too and dont even want to have a conversation yet, and I make the mistake of asking why she bothered telling me happy birthday if thats how she feels. The response i got from her was “I did it because it would have felt bad not saying anything, I wont say it again next year”. I got blocked permanently a few messages later.
So basically, just go no contact and stick to it. I should have taken my friends advice and blocked her a long time ago, and because I didnt I got my hopes up and got hurt again. Apologies for the long post, but seriously sometimes people just say things because they are emotional and not because they mean them. I held out for hope for way too long.
Apologies for the long ass post

Hey y'all - FTM here and honestly just looking for words of encouragement. When our LO was 5 days old, we were told that he'd lost too much weight and to supplement with formula so we did. I switched to pumping and quickly realized that my supply wasn't great. I met with a lactation consultant twice and she confirmed baby latched well and he didn't have a tongue tie - I was an under supplier. I have tried everything. I've tried the snacks, the drinks, the massages, the hand expression, pumped every three hours and then every 2 hours for months, power pumped 2x a day for weeks, took liquid good and goats rue, tried brewers yeast, fed with an Sns so that he could nurse and get formula and at the end of 4 months I still only make 2 oz total per pump. So, we decided just to combo feed via the Sns which started off horribly due to a bottle preference he developed due to my frequent pumping. After a week of hard work we got him to latch and feed again. A couple weeks later, baby scratched my eye and I was in so much pain, we had to bottle feed for two days and had to start all over again with getting him to latch - 48 hours of screaming and crying and he latched again. LO is 4 months and this week we took a trip and we had to do a couple bottles and I missed pumping - I was terrified my supply dipped because my breasts felt empty over multiple hours so I gave baby a bottle today and pumped. Luckily my supply was the same but he absolutely refused to breastfeed. It took me an hour to get him to latch to one breast and he just completely refused the other. It was my breaking point. I felt rejected, ashamed, guilty, angry at my body for not doing what it was supposed to, upset that if I made enough initially that we'd be fine. I was devastated when we decided to combo feed - I told myself that if my supply didn't increase, at least we could combo feed via nursing with the SNS but that hurt. Now, I'm wondering if it's selfish to keep forcing breastfeeding on him and going through these cycles when I could just pump, still give him breast milk and save us all this pain. I'm so anxious about him getting enough to eat, if I'm producing enough, if he's emptying me that I'm driving myself crazy. So, tonight after 4 months of stress and crying and hating on myself, I've decided to pump and bottle feed. I'm partially relieved and partially feel like I didn't do enough, that I can do more and am missing out on something special. It's been a lot, it's been constant and I'm exhausted. Just looking for some words of reassurance and encouragement - this was an insanely tough decision