Hi everyone,
I'm really starting to like Appwrite, I haven't used it in production yet, but I was seeking for Firebase alternative, everyone suggested Supabase, but I accidentally bumped in to Appwrite, so far I really love it.
One thing I wanted to address that official Appwrite Authentication SvelteKit docs seems outdated, they don't work out-of-the-box, so I figured out what was missing and created a video about it. Maybe someone new to Appwrite and SvelteKit will find this useful and help to spread a word about Appwrite, so here is the video on youtube
I would like to get any feedback from you guys!

Reddit: u/smooth-option-4375 Discord Name: Swag Name and House: Waymar Corbray of House Corbray Age: 24 Cultural Group: Andal Appearance:
A tall man, lean yet muscular after the fashion of a professional athlete. He has the build of a knight who favors lithe dexterity over sheer strength.
When garbed for battle he is an intimidating figure, wearing a mail hauberk and chausses covered with a blackened steel cuirass, with a white surcoat emblazoned with the sigil of his house: a black raven in flight carrying a red heart. On his limbs, he wears steel vambraces, darkened black, enclosed around his forearms and simple should guards. On his feet, he dons hard leather boots with steel toes, that rise to meet steel leg greaves.
On his side swings a scabbard that holds his ancestral longsword, its pommel housing a dark red ruby in the shape of a heart. The guard as simple as it is ancient.
Though young he has a well-worn face, making him appear some years older than he ought to. Hardened from long hours in the sun and scarred from battle. He has piercing blue eyes, and cheeks rough with stubble.
When on the road, he will be found with a travel-stained cloak and hood, tied to his shoulders. Never far from his side is his massive, pitch black destrier Warlord, who stands at the considerable seventeen hands high at the shoulder.
Compared to most nobility he makes a pitiful sight, his armor is darkened, scratched, and dented. His clothing torn and mended a dozen times over. Dressed in hardy cloth and wool rather than more extravagant furs and silks. Despite his outward appearance however, he bears the heart full of valor and chivalry.
Trait: Strong Skills: Andal Knight (e), Swords, Water Dancer, Riding Talents: Etiquette, Heraldry & Tourney Lore, Outdoorsmanship Starting Titles: The Wayfarer, Hastiluder of Hearts Home Starting Location: [Starting Event]
BIOGRAPHY:
Ser Waymar Corbray was born into the noble house of Corbray in the year 1 AC to the Raven Knight, Lord Corwyn Corbray and Lady Ellyn Hightower. The pair spared no expense with any of their children despite the houses less than robust financial situation, thinking of it as the most sure of investments.
Lady Ellyn, a woman of refined taste and abnormal learning saw to it that Waymar (and the other children) were all well versed in etiquette and had a firm grasp of the intricacies of court life. In particular she bonded with Waymar, Corenna, and Tristan by sharing her love of literature, music, arts, and story telling. This had the dual purpose of sharing her loves but also ensuring the children grew up knowledgeable and well-rounded nobles.
On the other hand, Lord Corwyn focused on their martial educations. Where Colmar received the lions share, especially in terms of governance and lordship, Waymar was free to pursue and focus solely on knightly pursuits. Lord Corwyn himself, well known across the seven kingdoms as 'The Raven Knight' was both a superior commander and deadly swordsman, teaching the now famous Ser Rolland his art.
One of, if not the first momentous events that shaped Waymar's life was the birth of his younger brother Tristan. Tristan grew up with great difficulty, small, frail, and lacking the ability to speak many considered him ill-fated and treated him with contempt. Waymar however quickly developed a deeply engraved sense of guardianship over Tristan, and the two grew inseperable. Each day Tristan would attend his brothers studies, and each night Waymar would regale his brother with stories of epic heroes, fell deeds, and legendary champions.
The second was the Mooncrest Tourney, where Waymar entered in secret as a Mystery Knight: The Knight of the Wild Wood. During the tupinaire, Waymar encountered his elder brother and defeated him soundly. He went on to fight and overcome the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, Ser Malwyn Blackwood. Earning himself a knighthood when his identity was later revealed, for scoring seven strikes in seven seconds, with each strike having the force of three men'. This day was one of the best and worst days in the young Waymar's life: It was the day he was knighted by a living legend and it was the day a rift was formed that would never heal, between the two brothers.
The third was young Tristan's plan to study at Oldtown. In an attempt to separate the ever more violent Colmar and the young Waymar, Tristan convinced his parents to allow him to study at Oldtown and to take with him a small entourage for security. Amongst them was Waymar who, during there travel entered into the Strawberry Hall tourney.
His showing there was impressive if varied, fairing well in the melee, tupinaire, and archery contest, even going so far to claim first in the footrace. Unfortunately an administrative error meant that he was disqualified from the joust, his match timing being changed at short notice and the heralds unable to contact him in time to advise him of such.
This was however the start of his errantry. Taking near a year to return to Heart's Home where he stayed for only handful of weeks before departing again.
Now a man grown, Waymar travels Westeros following the tourney circuit, participating in as many as he can. The knight has earnt himself the moniker ‘The Wayfarer.’ A mocking title meant to demean him and his families fortune as he would walk rather than ride from place to place, lacking the funds to have a second horse and unwilling to tire his treasured destrier “Warlord.” Despite its original purpose, he bears the title with great pride.
Unbeknownst to lords and commonfolk alike, even those within the Halls of Heart’s Home, Waymar has been sending his earnings home to his younger brother who has been named Castellan of Heart’s Home, though for what purpose only the pair could know.
TIMELINE:
10 AC — Lord Corwyn and Lady Ellen marry. 3 BC — Colmar Corbray is born, eldest son of House Corbray and Heir to Hearts Home. 1 BC — Corenna Corbray is born, second eldest of House Corbray. 1 AC — Waymar Corbray is born, second eldest son of House Corbray. 6 AC — Lord Corwyn leads a band of knights against the Root Father & the Sons of the Tree. 7 AC — Trisan Corbray is born. 10 AC — Waymar attends the Maiden Bay tourney and begins his dream of becoming the Greatest Knight in the Realm. 14 AC — The Cavaliers visit Heart’s Home to secure recruits and sponsorship. 18 AC — Colmar Corbray marries XXXXX of House XXXXX at age 21. 19 AC — Mooncrest Tourney is held, Waymar enters as a mystery knight defeating his elder brother Colmar. 19 AC — For excellence with arms and unyielding valour Waymar is knighted by Ser Malwyn Blackwood, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. 20 AC — Ser Waymar rides under Ser Godric Royce against the mountain clan raiders of the Burned Men clan, his first battlefield proper. 20 AC — Corenna Corbray marries Marq Grafton of Gulltown. 21 AC — Tristan leaves for Oldtown, intending to study at the Citadel and stay with their cousins. 21 AC — Waymar enters Strawberry Hall Tourney with mixed results, being suspiciously disqualified from the Lists. 22 AC — Janyce Swyft and Tristan Corbray become betrothed. 22 AC — The first piece of the Winged Knight armour is found, the quest for more pieces begin. 22-25 AC — Waymar travels Westeros largely by foot, earning himself the moniker Waymar the Wayfarer. 25 25 AC — Start Date

FAMILY TREE:

Auxiliary Character -------------------------
Name and House: Tristan Corbray
Age: 18
Cultural Group: Andal
Appearance:
A young man with who looks as young as he is, Tristans black hair is unruly and quite long, resting on his neck and usually covering his ears. Despite his inability to speak, Tristan has a warm and genuine smile. His eyes are a deep thoughtful blue, with freckles adorning his nose and cheeks. His skin pale, indicative of the long hours he has spent inside studying. Despite being called timid he moves and dresses with a quiet confidence and grace that comes from self-awareness. For Tristan, his silence is not a barrier but instead a weapon. Tristan is not the most striking nor handsome man, but he bears a comfortable and approachable appearance that endears him well with others.
Trait: Erudite
Skill(s): Scrutinous, Scholar (e)
Talent(s): Mechanisms, Puzzles, Arts & Music, Cyvasse
Negative Trait(s): Mute
Starting Title(s): The Timid
Starting Location: Starting Event
BIOGRAPHY:
A ferociously keen mind, Tristan is a maester born, with an endless appetite for puzzles and mystery and an eerie ability to calculate. Despite being considered a fool for much of his early life, he has blown away his detractors with his prodigious intelligence. At the age of 15 he entered the Citadel to study, and in just three short years has earned himself no less than 8 links being: black iron, copper, both yellow and red gold, silver, brass, lead, and pewter.
With his father’s recent illness, he has been summoned back to Heart’s Home and named Castellan of the Castle and aide to the Lord. Rumours abound as to how his elder brother has taken this, having shortly afterwards departed on a quest for the Wing Knights legacy.
Supporting Characters -----------------------------
Name and House: Martyn Rivers Archetype: Trader (+4 bonus to Trade)
In his youth Martyn Rivers was a sellsword in the riverlands. He first entered service with House Corbray prior to the battle of Misty Moor. Later, he returned to permanent service after the Riverlands went up in flames. Lord Corwyn took him in first as a trade caravan guard, but in the years since he has reached the lofty heights of seneschal.
Name and House: Maester Dormund Archetype: Scholar (+2 lore searches, +1 treating others)
Maester Dormund has served House Corbray for three generations, serving first serving Lord Corwyn’s Father Corswain and now advising the young Master Tristan. He is one of the few that both knows of, and understands Master Tristan’s sign and short hand conversationally, the others being his mother, sister, and favourite brother.

Okay so i (17F) and my friend (16F) met through a game late last year and we been friends since. We both are busy highschool students living in different countries, yes i said different countries. So when we talk sometimes its cultural differences we learn about.
But recently she been telling me about a group of dudes she's been talking to (they play val together) so they added her in a discord chat but during this time she was also dating someone. See i thought he was young or just her age from the way she said he acted.
So i asked how old he was she simply said he was 20, FUCKING 20!!! i laughed it off cause i thought maybe she was just joking or being sarcastic but i jokingly made comments Abt him being two old for her. I recently got a text from her three nights ago saying how she broke up with her boyfriend, she then also went on talking about the dudes she plays with.
There is 4 or 5 in total or those are the ones i know about. I started asking more about them and their ages AND BITCHHH she said the oldest is FUCKING 25 AND ALONG WITH THE REST AND THE YOUNGEST IS 20!!!.
She tells me how her and the oldest have been flirting with each other for the past few days and he would 'hint' about liking her. She have said before she likes older men which is not a problem, but the thing is that she still is a minor and i been trying to tell her to not go through with it or to be cautious of them but she doesn't listen to me she thinks that I'm overthinking or is 'jealous' of her (i have a bf i haven't told her yet)
I just thought i was being a good friend by watching out for her.
(P.s she thinks everything is a fantasy and romanticize alot of things that shouldn't be.)

I've been using it for about two months and i try to do the mapping, but lately it's been feeling rather too annoying as sometimes I forget to turn it on, you turn it on and it makes you wait before it starts and then it doesn't track well so you only reach half of the goal.
Also you barely earn enough by using it, would take me about 3 years to finally afford one of the pixel phones, I like the service, hd video and good 5g connection. Anyone else like that?

I, 26F, have been casually talking to three men, all around my age (28M, 27M, 30M), for several months. All of which are NOT exclusive. Each one of them clearly understands I am NOT in a committed relationship with them. Each one of them understands we are just talking, and not exclusive.
In addition, each person does NOT know I'm explicitly talking to other people. Frankly I don't think its their business (nor does my therapist), because I am not in a committed relationship with said people. Therefore, they don't need to know. Likewise, it's not my business to ask if they're talking to other people.
I would now like to end all contact with two (28M, 27M) of the three individuals, so I can purse a fully committed relationship with the third (30M).
This third individual (30M) is so special to me. I want to make sure there's nothing that could cause this relationship to end. This person is amazing, and I just want to make sure any loose ends are tied up before entering into this relationship as gf/bf.
Rather than ghosting these two other individuals (28M, 27M), I am not sure what to say to them. I know I want to end ALL communication. Like full stop - no talking, no texting, no hanging out. I just don't know how to say it without being too blunt or rude.
After all is said and done, I do plan on blocking them because I don't trust people to not poke their head up when I've requested them not to. I don't want them potentially ruining this upcoming relationship by interjecting themselves where they don't belong... I do feel like it's the right/mature thing to clearly communicate and express that I am ending things with them, and not just ghost them.
I just don't know how to end things with the two other guys. How do I communicate it? What do I say? Do I need to answer any questions they may ask on why I'm ending it?
TL/DR: How and what do I communicate to a man when, I am no longer interested in seeing him and want to end things? Do I have to answer all of his questions on why I am ending it?

I apologize in advance, I'm not good at writing this kind of stuff, also, English is not my first language.
TW depression, self-harm
Ever since high school, I've been known as an easy going girl who has been with a lot of men. In reality, the situation is quite different. All these stories started from the boys in my class, one of them slept with a lot of girls, and he tried with me too. When I refused, he told everyone that we had sex. After that, the other boy, who was teased for being a virgin, said that he lost his virginity with me, He chose me, because he knew where I live, so his lie could be more convincing. After that, a lot of them tried to have sex with me, but I refused them, some even tried to intimidate me with violence, but I had never been with them in a secluded place, so it was easy for me to just walk away. After a while, everyone who tried to have sex with me talked about how they had sex with me. I also made a mistake, so I got involved with a boy from class, for one night, but there was no sex. An even bigger mistake I made was a boyfriend I was in a relationship with when I was in high school. He comes from a family of pimps, his father was perhaps the most famous pimp in our area.
When I started college, the stories from high school didn't stick (although two boys from my class went to the same college as me), but it quickly became known that I was in a relationship with the son of the biggest pimp in my area.
I wouldn't go into the relationships I had later, but mostly they were longer relationships, with a lot of time between them.
I didn't have a one-night stands, nor many partners.
Now I am single again, after being in a relationship for almost 2 years. The stories from high school are back, one of the boys who talks about how he had sex with me once said: "I don't know why it's a problem to say that I had sex with her, when she could fuck with 9 of them, and she couldn't fuck me,,. I realized that these stories will not pass, because each of those 10 guys believes the same thing: that I slept with everyone except him. Even when they admit that they had nothing with me, the next sentence is: "but x did".
I live in a small town, in a small country. The thought of being in a relationship with someone, who might hear and believe it, scares me. What scares me even more is that I could first have sex with someone I'm in a relationship with, only to have that person leave me because of gossip.
A few important things:

• there were more boys than girls in the high school class, but even those girls were raised only to get married, so they often know how to make up stories about other girls(to ruin their reputation and make situation better for themself)
  
• I don't want to live somewhere else, I would feel like I'm betraying my parents, who survived the war and were poor in order to provide a better life for me and my brothers and sisters
  
• I live in a small country, relatively conservative
  

I have depression, I was also suicidal. Sometimes I think these stories are a good enough reason to end my life. I'm not ashamed of anything in my life here, so feel free to ask anything, just please help

so deep in social isolation, guilt, and shame
i have really bad avoidance tendencies, and sometimes deal with paranoia that a few times in my life became delusional thinking. my psychiatrist thinks it’s bipolar, i disagree, but that’s whatever. i graduated college last may, ended up getting a job that was not what i envisioned for myself at all (i’m a software engineer and the job market sucks right now). i had to move to a new city, its about 30 mins away from my old college and i know a small handful of people who still go there (although even while i was still in college, i was a loner and didn’t have many friends). i did have this one friend who i’ve known since high school, but in the past 3 ish years, my mental health and toxic behavior led her to have to set strict boundaries with our relationship. i don’t blame her at all, i would’ve done the same. i have really bad avoidant tendencies that, along with my paranoia and inability to trust people, lead me to blow up on people and pus them away in the process. at this point, our friendship will never go back to the way it was. she also moved go another state so even the meaningless surface level convos we do have are over text. i have completely socially isolated myself. my work is nearly fully remote and i work very independently so i dont even need to socialize at work. im supposed to go into the office 4 days a month, but even then i usually find an excuse to stay home for at least one of those. It’s mid may, and I’ve gone to exactly 3 irl social gatherings the entire year. Literally exactly 3. and two of them lasted 2 hours, the other was a concert. all were with people in not very close with but i would still consider friends. the only form of socialization i do have consistently is playing video games with some online friends i made in the past couple months, but i really question if they play with me because they enjoy or because im a girl and they like the idea of playing games with a girl. one of them asked me out which made me kind of sad because i thought i was finally making friends even if it’s just over a video game, but then i remembered people only want to be around me for some sort of gain. i said no and they stuck around, but i worry he’ll ask again and if i say no again i will go back to being socially isolated both online and in person. i’ve been in therapy since 2021 but i recently switched to a new therapist who focuses on trauma work. idk if its the trauma response or what, but i’ve been so emotional lately and i hate it. i hate crying, i hate thinking about stuff that makes me upset, and i feel guilty all the time. i have such a hard time connecting with people, im extremely arrogant and judgemental, today i tried going to bed and then i remembered that when i was in high school, my mom who didn’t get the chance to graduate high school because she was a teen mom, went back to get her her and enrolled in community college courses just for her own fulfillment. she was so excited to learn this stuff i was learning for free from her own sacrifice. and i was so impatient with her when she wouldn’t get it. and i would make her said when id be impatient with her. i hate myself for being like that. and i’m still so cold with her not just with her, but for some reason it’s impossible for me to be genuine with people, and with her 90% of the time, i am faking it. and she can tell. a few years ago she asked me to teach her python, and i did for one day cuz i wanted to make up for what i did when i was in high school, and after that’s when she asked again i would make excuses and say no until she just stopped asking. a year ago she went back to our country of origin (we’re immigrants) and i feel like ill never be able to make things right. now the only interactions we have are daily facetime calls where i try really hard not to be snappy with her or cold and i fail every single day. i feel like it fuels my depression and it’s a never ending feedback loop. if she wasn’t alive i would probably have killed myself by now, and i really worrry about the day she dies, ill be ridden with guilt and shame about how my moms whole life, i wasn’t ableto connect with her, or anyone. and my only friendship was also ruined. my mom was really strict growing up and has bpd tendencies, so i know why im like this, but she loves me a lot and i hate that i have this inability to forgive her or maybe some built up resentment that i haven’t been able to get rid of in my 23 years of existence. im so full of guilt it is literally eating me alive, every time we call i can tell she is sad because she can tell im distant and have literally nothing to talk about. i don’t want to talk about work, i don’t want to talk about what i ate, what i did, nothing. sometimes its because there’s nothing really to talk about, but mostly it’s because i just don’t want to. i don’t know why i don’t want to, i almost want to say i can’t. but when im talking with my sisters i usually have a much easier time. i just don’t understand why i love my mom so much but i have such a hard time talking to her and not losing my patience or becoming irritable at everything she does even when she’s not doing anything wrong. even if she hurt me at some point, she didn’t know better and she always tried her best. i was a difficult kid, and she parented the best way she knew how. my dad is dead and was never in my life (like at all, i didn’t really know him), and i am reasonably close to my sisters but i feel like my mom is all i have at this point and i disappoint her every single day and i can’t stop. im not paranoid right now but i feel so depressed and hopeless

UNMARKED SPOILERS BELOW, I will sadly go into spoiler territorry so often the post would look like a bad SCP Foundation article if I tried to black out every single one.
First thing I thought upon finding out about the Wizard Three in Sigil was to notice an opportunitty to include more iconic characters. As we learned more about their role I noticed several complaints about them. Like, "why are we having epic level NPCs relegating the work to mid-level party"? Or "isn't Tasha evil? What is she doing here?" Or "how the hell did Kas fool Tasha, who knows Mordekainen very well?". And so an idea to fix these issues all at once presented itself to me.
In this version of adventure, the PCs are summonned not by Wizard Three, but Wizard Nine. Nine iconic, high-level wizards or other magic users from across D&D worlds or even beyond. They were all summonned to Sigil, to each tap into one of Outer Planes of appriopriate aligment and channel that power into Wish, so the Will of the entire multiverse wishes of Vecna's death. Once it fails, the wizards realize it means one of them must nto be who they claim, possibly an agent of Vecna. So they immediatelly lock themselves in Sanctuary - only PCs can enter and leave because they weren't i nthe room doing the casting of that super Wish. And every time they return with next piece of the Rod, they find Wizards in most disfunctional game of Among Us ever, often probably erupting into violence - this is nine geniuses working AGAINST each other as everyone suspects everyone.
Now, you could keep the original reveal, where Mordekainen is the imposter. If you do, I would advocate against bringing any magic users who know him, like Tasha, Elminster, Storm Silverhand or Dalamar the Dark. If you decide to change the imposter's identity, you can happily bring in some of them, but I would avoid those who know each other (so if you want Elminster, then no Mordekainen or Dalamar).
Evil characters can work with this group because of several reasons, which they should be open about. They may vary from "You think I don't realize Vecna is going to screw ME over alongside everyone else", through "uppity gods need to be put in their place, especially this one" to "I would love what the guy is promising to do to all creation, but I'm not bending my knee to NOBODY!".
Below is a list of proposed characters to use from as many worlds I could think of. I will be comign back to this post to add more names and more worlds with further research, potentially going even beyond strictly D&D settings. You ca drop your own suggestions, I will happily add them to the list with next edit. All requirements are that the character is able to cast 9th level spells, if you have any notes for potential DM willing to use them, please provide them as well.
Eberron - I noticed most of suggestions for Eberron are of evil variety, due to the setting's lack of high-level heroic NPCs (with two exceptions that cannot leave their seats of power), but we'll work with what we have

• Mordain the Fleshweaver is the most popular suggestion, being a rare Chaotic Evil 18th level Wizard in Eberron. An issue is that Mordain is often used, and even recommended by Keith Baker to be used as Eberron's stand-in for Vecna. If you wanna run adventures with Hand or Eye of Vecna in Eberron, they are hand and Eye of Mordain. This may disqualify him, but you could alternatively play into it. Have Mordain rant Vecna is "ripping him off" or call the lich "a pale immitation of true dark sorcery".
• Hektula is Keith Baker's personal choice for a standin for Tasha. She is a pwoerful Rakshasa Archmage, with passion for collecting forbidden tomes of dark magic, serving one of the Overlords and firmly Lawful Evil. I certainly could see some laughs when wizards realize there's an impostor among them and all eyes turn towards Hektula, who goes "Of course, blame the shapeshifter!".
• I have seen floated idea for Sora Kell or her three daughters. The Daughters canonically in 3rd edition had levels 10 or 11 on top of being half-fiend Hags. You could maybe handwave that they get to cast 9th level spells as a coven, Sora Kell is more ambigious, with no statblock and her lore giving vibes of Baba Yaga, fans compare her to Demon Lords in power level. Personally I feel she would stand out too much.

Exandria (Critical Role) - I noticed most Exandria characters don't reach this high level - even Circle of Brass from Calamity were level 15. However, I found two options to provide a bit of fanservice for any critters at your table, both Chaotic Good:

• the Mighty Nein Reunion got us level 20 versions of Caleb Widogast, so he's great excuse for a DM to do their best Liam O'Brian impression of angsty bi diseaster wizard who really wishes he was back with his boyfriend, instead of being trapped here with all those asshole wizards.
• Not a wizard but a Bard, but if you want to bend a defintion a bit, Scanlan Shorthalt could be pulled out from a moment in time before he lost an ability to cast Wish. Considering this happens in final episode of Campaign 1 and their final enemy was Vecna, it would be thematically appriopriate.

Krynn (Dragonlance)

• Raistlin Majere is by FAR msot iconic character of the entire Dragonlance, the go to if you want to include an iconic Dragonlance character. Dragonlance Saga 15 anniversarry lists his aligment as Neutral, while 3rd edition book Legends of the Twins lits him as a Neutral Evil - the latter is after he becomes master of Time and Present and so powerful enough to be included.
• Dalamar the Dark - after Raistlin's demise, Dalamar was touted as new most powerful wizard, he was paired with Mordekainen and Elminster to form original Wizard Three. He is also listed as Neutral Evil, but I would argue he could be Lawful Evil.
• Fistandantilus - the greatest wizard before Raistlin, he is also Neutral Evil, but I woudl argue he's more CHaotic Evil, due to his tendency to backstab other wizards to steal their power. I honestly cannot see this guy working in this adventure, he seems like he would try to bodyjack someone and get 8 Desintegrates to the face.
• Phalin Majere - if you want a good-aligned representative of Krynn, Raistlin's nephew, Phalin is basically a magical prodigy and chosen one and firmly Lawful Good. The issue may be that it may be hard to find a time where he is powerful enough to be here, but before Wizard magic on Krynn went away (because all Gods, including Gods of magic, f*ed off to space and then had the whole planet stolen from under their noses) and he had to reclass to Sorcerer, starting all the way from the bottom.

Magic the Gathering - there are many worlds in this franchise, but they're often very shallow, so I will group this stuff together.

• My first pick would be Liliana Vess, originally from Dominaria, nowadays hanging out on Arcavios, home world of Strixheaven. Strixheaven book lists her as true neutral, and she has a history full of twists and turns where this character development from original evil could be justified. Personality-wise she could be the easiest quick replacement for Tasha, even if you don't feel like putting in the whole group of nine wizards. Also if you have player bringign back a Curricullum of Chaos PC for this game I can only imagine their jaw drop upon seeing "Provesso Vess" among greatest wizards in the Multiverse, snarking at all of them.
• Teferi Akosa, originally from Dominaria, now his homeland of Zalfir became a separate plane. He was always extremely powerful, what if accidentially phasing his whole country out of time and space, he was always heroic and good intended, but often prone of getting unwaranted suspictions from others, which makes him good for this kind of plot.
• From Ravnica we could pull either Jace Beleren or the dragon-mage Niv-Mizzet, during their respective time as the Living Guildpact, representative of all 10 Guilds of Ravnica. In this position their could fit well for neutral-aligned places of aligment chart, Jace leaning towards Neutral Good or Lawful Neutral somewhat more.
• Speaking of Dragons, here is a crazy idea - Nicol Bolas, one of greatest villains in Magic as Chaotic Evil representative. Okay, it may be not a good idea, I cannot imagine a situation where he doesn't try to hijack the plot and take Vecna's place or just kill everyone when the problem of potential traitor arises. Still, the idea of this really evil demigod-drgon being his petty, snarky self towards other iconic characters is kinda funny.
• For a reach more into Magic's past, we have Urza, original protagonist. He would fit well into Lawful Neutral or even Lawful Evil role, considering last time he dedicated himself to stop multiversal-level threat, original Phyrexia, his means quickly "begun resembling Phyrexian ends". This is the guy who honestly tried to outeugenics a wizard nazi "for greater good". Seriously, so much of Magic lore can be summed up with words "Local Man Ruins Everything" and picture of Urza.
• A different type of Magic candidate is Jodah, ultrapowerful Archmage who is not a planeswalker like others, but had often maneuver around them, so he is used to having to outsmart powerful people. He represents all colors of mana so he would fit for any of middle collum positions.
• Jodah old associate, Jaya Ballard, could also work very well, considering she did eventually ecame so powerful some planes confused her with a diety and established religions to her. She strikes me as a Neutral Good candidate.

Mystara - one of my beloved classic worlds, poses an issue because it never conformed to classic 9-types aligment, isntead opting for lawful (defined as "altruistic") and chaotic ("selfish"). A rare exception, 2e book Glantri: Kingdom of Magic, was a big help here.

• Prince Haldemar of Haaken - protagonist of series of short stories "Voyage of Princess Ark". Daring explorer, captain of flying ship Princess Ark, hero of Empire of Alphatia. Champions of Mystara describes him as good and heroic but having "typical Alphatian chaotic thendencies". As such I'd lean towards Chaotic Good or Neutral Good.
• Bargle the Infamous - Chaotic Evil, if D&D ever had something close to the Joker, it was Bargle. Bargle was originally an evil wizard who kills mentolove interest of the player in introductory adventure of Red Box, but this made him enemy #1 of whole generations of players and elevated to first iconic evil wizard. I would be wary of using him, as any D&D veteran or grognard may forget about Vecna in favor of trying to strangle the guy with his bare hands.
• Demetrion Karagentreropolus - most powerful Archmage in Empire of Thyatis (think: fantasy Roman Empire), he is of lawful aligment and described as sometiems working secretly to undermine Emperor's decisions that he finds to be bad for the Empire and its people. As such he could slot as Lawful Good.
• Empress Eriadna the Wise of Alphatia - current Empress of Alphatia, canonically of Neutral aligment, she rules msot powerful empire in the world and probably haven't conquered all of it only because her subjects care more for magical research and getting high. She's 80-years old.
• Prince Zandor - 40-years old son of empress Eriadna, described as "chaos personified", his aligment is "Chaotic (very)". Thanks to Mr. Welch it became popular to play him as wizard version of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Use him if you want a comic relief.
• Master Terari - former Emperor of Alphatia, he abdicated in favor of Eriadna and disappeared, he now runs magic school in a small kingdom of Karameikos, he is working to ascend to Immortality (basically godhood without calling it so).
• Principalities of Glantri have multiple Princes of various all kinds of aligment. The country got 2e book which gave them classic aligment., I will list them below, but two I would avoid are Eitienne d'Amberville and Jaggar von Drachenfels, since they are actually Immortals (Rad, patron of magic and Diamond,, discount Bahamut, respectively). Immortals officially aren't Gods, but this is often a distinction without difference, so I cannot see them showing up in Sigil without Lady of Pain nuking the whole building.
• Princess Carnelia de Belcadiz y Fedorias (Lawful Neutral, extremely beautiful, known for her horrible temper) and Princess Carlotina Erewan ((LG, basically discount Galadriel) rule two Elven principalities, the latter rules more traditional Elves, the former's subjects are...Spanish Elves. Yes, really. They do not like each other.
• On the evil side we have Prince Morphail Gorevitch-Woszlany (wizard Nosferatu, which is like Vampire with less weaknesses, he's Strahd on steroids), Princess Dolores Hilsbury (actually a Night Dragon, undead dragon-shaped mosnter, in disguise) and Prince Brannart McGregor (lich, he's actually from real-world Scotland, I kid you not). All three are Chaotic Evil and hide their true nature, though considering Morphail looks like he walked out of set of Dracula, they aren't trying very hard.
• Rounding Glantri princes we have Prince Jherek Virayana (Neutral, master of illusions, he deflected to Glantri from their mortal enemies, Ethengar Khanates, so he is used to being under suspiction for treachery) and Prince Harald Haaskinz (LG, he's kinda new guy in the club).

Oearth (Greyhawk)

• I don't want to spend much time on Oerth since I suspect anyone using this will use either Mordekainen and/or Tasha, who are already in the module. But some alternatives could be any of wizards who have spells named after them - Bigby is neutral, Tenser is Lawful Good, Leomund is Lawful Neutral or Lawful Good, Nystrul is Neutral, Rary is Neutral Evil

Toril (Forgotten Realms)

• Alustriel was already included. She and her five sisters (not counting Dove Silverhand, who is a Ranger and a Ghost) all fit similair role as "big good immortal sorcerress". With exception of Alassra Silverhand a.k.a. Simbul the Witch-Queen, who is Chaotic Neutral, they're all Chaotic Good, so I see little point switching Alustriel for another one if you want CG spot to be fit by someone from Toril. I would also be wary of using Storm Silverhand, who, according to Ed Greenwood, helped real Mordekainen recover after his role in Curse of Strahd and has a "friends with benefits" relationship with him.
• Elminster is also Chaotic Good, I don't get why WotC shy away from using him. I get he is controversial, but his exclusion has been kinda awkward here. They really don't think Kas can fool Elminster, but he can fool Tasha? As far as I know only one of them slept with Mordekainen, like come on! Anyway, if you want to use him, Elmisnter is also Chaotic Good, so kinda redundant with other Choosen of Mystra.
• Larloch the Shadow-King or Szass Tam could each work as a powerful lawful evil lich, that allies with the good guys out of spite against interloper god that dared throw their weight around and claim godhood over THEIR world. Larloch in particular is no stranger of going against gods and their servants, who seek to rewrite rules of magic that is basic of his power - just ask Shar and her servants at Shade Enclave.
• While characters from Baldur's Gate 3 end their adventure around 13th level, Book Minsc & Boo's Journal of Villain contains statblocks of multiple characters from previous two games. Edwin Odesserion, infamous Red Wizard of Thay, is among them, powerful enough to fit in the group.

Domains of Dread (Ravenloft) - I put this one last because of unique use we could have out of Domaind of Dread in this campaign. You see, we know that characterstrapped in Demiplane of Dread cannot leave that easily, they need Dark Powers' permission. And Dark Powers are backing up Kas. I have also seen multiple complaints how both main antagonists of this campaign - Vecna nad Kas - are absent from most of it, with many ideas being thrown around about having Kas as an active rival that competes for pieces of the Rod. It occured to me that he may play that role, while we still have an impostor - another character trapped in Demiplane of Dread could be working with Kas and the Dark Powers in exchange for their freedom. This way we could even allow PCs to sherlock holmes who the traitor is between collecting different pieces of the Rod, and still can have Kas show up with hordes of monsters to steal the Rod later. All that matters is they do not impersonate a character of the same aligment. Here are some candidates for this role:

• from Forgotten Realms, we could reach for semi-official suppliment minsc and Boo's Journal of Villainy, written by lead writer of first two Baldur's Gate games. It suggests an alternate fate for main villains of Baldur's Gate II - Jon Irenicus and his sister Bodhi - that places them in Demiplane of Dread, leading their own evil cult working towards their escape. He is neutral evil, she is Chaotic Evil
• From Mystara we have Meredoth, main antagonist of classic Ravenloft module Ship of Horrors, condemned to Demiplane of Dread afre his negligence caused his subjects to die of starvation. TWICE!. He is cursed to be unable to discover new magic on his own and having to steal knowledge, so he would be itching, as a mole, to steal from other eight wizards in the room. He's Chaotic Evil.

That's for now, but rest assured, I shall be returning to this post to update it with more characters, potentially more campaign worlds even. Your suggestions whom to add are always welcome.

Hi fellow coffee lovers
While there are many videos on ways to improve filter coffee by our coffee gods, I noticed that there is no dedicated video on the Americano.
Personally, I often find myself in a situation where I make espresso based drinks for others, when myself wants more of a filter style coffee. Recently, I have been making Americanos, because it is less fuzz compared to having to deal with two different brewing methods. So I pull a shot, using a paper filter in the basket, and dilute it down with water.
I like the taste, but liking is not enough for us coffee nerds. I have tried to compare the same bean with a combi FilteEspresso roast, brewed with filter style and as Americano and experimented a little. But without LOTS of data, ensuring same TDS, etc., it is hard to really make valid points here.
So what comes to my mind is:

• Which tastes better, Filter or Americano? (From my experience, Filter is a more nuanced and clearer, while Americano is more muted but fuller)
• Why and when does FilteAmericano taste better?
• What is the difference in taste, where does it come from?
• Does a certain roast profile or certain bean types work better with Americano then Filter (e.g. dark roasts)?
• In the case of Americano, what whould be a good recipe? Is it just “good” tasting espresso, dialed in, and diluted down or maybe there is a trick to make Americano even better
• … any nerdy topic that may improve Americano.

Is it really as simple as making good espresso and diluting it? And that’s why no one bothers to look at it in more detail? Or is there more nuance to it? Curious what your opinions are. Maybe u/lance-hedrick has his own opinion about Americano?
Cheers

I started seeing a teacher when I moved to a new city for a new job (met on Hinge). I was working long hours at the hospital during COVID but got to see her a few times a week. She was a single mother with a 6 month old which I did not mind but as I got to know her I discovered the following things. After 11 months of knowing her she gave me an ultimatum to get a ring and be engaged within the next 3-4 months. Looking back, I ignored and dismissed a lot of things. Here are the things I learned and want to know if you think there are red flags.
• She had cheated on her ex-husband with a man at a party. When I asked her what the issues were in the marriage, she said he was a nice man but just neglectful of her in the marriage.
• She spent the next 5 years with the man she cheated with on her ex-husband. She left that man because “he wasn’t going to move on up in the world and make something of himself.” In other words, he wasn’t going to make more money or climb the social status ladder per her. I asked if he was good to her. She said - yes! He was an amazing partner otherwise.
• Then she found a man who is wealthy and educated and a lecturer, who has a good family and generational wealth including properties. He told her that he was polyamorous. She chased him and tried to convince him the entirety of their relationship to convert to monogamy for her. I spoke with him directly because he is the father of her child. He said that she moved fast and was talking about marriage within 3 months of knowing him. He was unwilling to really change his lifestyle and even took her to orgies and shared books on poly lifestyle with her to see if she would be okay with being his main person while he does poly. After 11 months or more of dating and eventually living together, she finds out she is pregnant with his child. She tells everyone that she missed the pill for a day or two and got pregnant. (When she told me this I was very surprised because my understanding is that it’s quite rare to get pregnant with just missing one day). She found out she was pregnant and decides to keep the baby. All the while trying to convince the baby’s father to marry her. He eventually told her that he didn’t want the child or a family. While she is figuring this out with him, she began sleeping with a dentist during pregnancy. I asked her about this choice and why not stay with this dentist. She said that he was burning out and was looking to leave dentistry. Once she knew that the baby’s biological dad would not marry her at any cost, she calls up the ex-boyfriend and starts sleeping with him once the baby is born.
• During our relationship, I discovered recently that she was always scanning for other men and keeping her options open. I am so disappointed and upset with myself for ignoring the red flags.
Tell me if you knew this history about a person, what conclusions you would draw and if you would get into a long-term relationship with them? Thanks for the input.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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Hey there, so here's what I'm doing - I started OC and I plan to play with this character through all official campaigns - OC -> SOU -> HOTU and yes I realize I will be vastly overleveled - that is fine, it's part of the journey (kind of recreating what I did like 20 years ago when playing the game for the first time) so I don't mind blasting through the content. Now I'm actually really enjoying the build I'm playing and the idea behind it was to get as many defensive bonuses (like saves, ac, or straight up immunities) without going completely meta. So here's what I'm rolling with:
Half Elf STR14 DEX12 CON 14 WIS 15 INT 10 CHA 12 (I'm typing from memory so I hope I didn't mix it up but it looks fine). First 2 levels into Paladin which combined with half elf gives me immunity to sleep, disease and fear and +4 against enchantment and CHA to saves. Now after this I'm pumping cleric levels for a while and top it up with a couple blackguard levels for additional saves, a stacking bull strength and... well here's where I'm stumped - how many levels of BG should I take. I plan on being mostly melee, self buff but I do want to mix some offensive magic in as well - so far using call lightning for large aoe groups but the idea is to open up with one or two strong spells then charge into melee. I do want to lean into the theme of undeath - so far I'm summoning a Skeleton and buffing it with what I can to fight alongside me and I'd like that to continue. Not using a henchman just focusing on my undead pal.
I kind of regret going 12 dex (I was thinking of going to 13 and taking dodge but I scrapped that) instead of 14 CHA but with eagle splendor and some items I can reach 18-20 CHA anyways which is +8/+10 to all saves in the end which seems strong enough, I'd rather focus on the theme more than power.
Do you guys have any advice? Maybe I should switch something up? Most importantly how many levels of Blackguard to take? I like the idea of casting darkness (does half elf vision allow you to see it or do I need true sight since its a magical effect) and utilizing BGs sneak attack but I do want my offensive cleric spellcasting to not be useless. I realize I'm trying to do everything at the same time but that's kind of the point - I don't need to be the best at anything, sort of like a cleric version of a bard I guess.
Playing on hardcore d&d rules if that matters and took air and knowledge domains since I love lightning and wanted to be self sufficient without using a rogue/bard hench.
The blackguard idea didn't even appear in my head until halfway through act 1, I thought it would be weird that my characters last name is Light of Dawn (yes, I'm still fuckin' edgy even at 35, sue me) and be an evil blackguard but the more I thought about it the more I loved it. Imagine this character walking in introducing herself ad the Light of Dawn before slitting the throat of some random guy that bumped into her before summoning undead and razing the entire village. Its like spitting into Lathander's face. Take that!
Oh right, almost forgot - could you recommend me some higher level modules? Ones I could tackle after I'm done with HotU? Something level 30+ I guess? Or whatever level you end up more or less at the end of that xpac - it's been a while since I last finished it.
edit: all my attributes so far have been going into WIS - I plan on doing this until 20 and then I'm not sure, more WIS or STR instead.

Me and my ex are currently doing no contact. She knows how much I love her as I already write her a very heartfelt letter saying so. We’ve talked about how we can’t see each other with other people and how much we love each other even after the breakup. Yet long story short me and my ex had a little drawn out break up. I tried to make things work for a month after she first broke up with me. She said she needed to be alone a month later. I kept calling her and she agreed to, up until about a week ago she asked for me to take a step back. I agreed and didn’t message her and her birthday went by within those days. I still didn’t message her. She saw me downtown that night and cried to me and vented and was mad that I didn’t wish her a happy birthday. She asked to apologize and meet up in person the night after. That night we only talked super formally and only about how we’re looking forward to healing.
My one concern is that through that whole conversation, I didn’t make it clear that I still want to try again for a relationship with her. Earlier that day when she had initially apologized for crying and venting to me, I responded with as heartfelt and mature of a response that I could give, including me saying “While I’m aware that what we had is over,” then continuing to be optimistic about our healing processes. While I have made it know ever since our initial breakup two months ago up until a few days ago when we had that talk that I really want to make things work, I feel like given how I responded to her request for space, didn’t wish her a happy birthday, acknowledged that what we had is over, and me not even bringing up how I want to try again in the future will make her believe that I’m just truly completely over trying for her, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
For additional context, we had drawn out the breakup simply because we have so much love for one another other. We were each other’s first bf/gf. This whole process was all about her needing space and needing to be alone right now. She had said once or twice that if this is meant to be then it will be. Yet I’m scared that she might take me saying “While I’m aware that what we had is over” as a sign of me not wanting to try anymore. She never gave me a direct statement of her saying how we are completely over. She had said enough times to me that this is a breakup. How she needs to be alone right now. How she needs her space. And she doesn’t know for how long. Yet I’m afraid that I might have said the wrong words and followed through with actions that don’t truly align with my true incentives. I can easily tell that the conversation that we had was all the closure that she needed to officially move on from me and to start living her life completely without me. She is a very healthy woman who looks at the world through a very healthy, optimistic and peaceful perspective. Due to this it seems like she wouldn't’ be the type to hold onto something like this after getting closure like that.
I only acted that way and didn’t speak to her and didn’t bring up any future aspirations of rekindling with her just do not disrupt her emotions any further as I know that this is a tough time for the both of us.I currently work with her yet she put her two weeks in already and I have my final shift with her this Sunday night. I’m contemplating if it’s a good idea for me to tell her one last time that I’m still interested in trying again in the future.
Should I use our last shift working together as an opportunity to tell her that I still want to try again for a relationship in the future? I really miss her and still love her and care about her deeply. This whole process has just been really hard and I feel the need to use this last in person chance as an opportunity to show her that I’m still interested in her. I feel like she’s the love of my life and I’ve told her that throughout the past 2 months. Please let me know if you guys think that this is a good idea.
TLDR: I feel as though I gave off the wrong impression with my ex over the past few days. Unintentionally letting her think that I’m completely done with her and wanting to move on when that couldn’t be further from the truth. She is a very mature, peaceful, healthy and optimistic woman, and given all of the closure that she just got combined with my misleading intentions, I fear that she will officially let me go given that I was the one who wanted to hold on and make things work when she first asked for space. I still really love her and care about her deeply and feel as though she’s the one for me. Should I use our last shift working together to tell her how I still want to try again for a relationship in the future?

Hello,
I want to hear people’s thoughts after explaining my situation and experiences as a way of seeking advice. I’ll list things in a random order.
The first time I traveled across the pond was to Europe, specifically to London, Amsterdam, and Kraków. I practically worshipped Europe at the time and thought of it as a wonderland. I don’t want to say specifically, but I experienced romance for the first time since high school. However, things didn't go too well in the end when we messaged each other after parting ways. When I finished my trip, I yearned to come back and stay longer than a week. This was two years ago.
Last year, I visited my ex-girlfriend from Poland and I had the best time of my life. It was really nice spending time with someone the whole time while abroad, seeing her for the first time during our long-distance relationship. However, things changed, and it feels like I don’t have that similar, personal obligation to travel anymore. She was my first girlfriend. I don’t know if I’ve spoiled myself by always wanting to be with someone to travel and stay with, especially someone who I know and love.
I do have aunts and uncles who live in England and the Netherlands, and I’ve visited before and had a good time when I was with them, but I don’t know if I’ll be a nuisance and bother them.
Last autumn, I was in the Netherlands, and I got a really cute Indo-Dutch waitress’s number at a restaurant. I remember my aunt telling me how much she looked at me during our conversation with her. I wanted to see her again, but I was only there for a week and she said she was too busy with university and work. I’ve thought about her ever since.
From last December to mid-January, I was at the Philippines seeing family for the first time with my mom and had a good experience celebrating New Years there. I met a Russian girl at Boracay, and I thought she was the one, but she led me on and was interested in her ex from Moscow.
I always prefer traveling to Europe, but I know that Europe is becoming increasingly more right-winged with immigration. I’m not sure if I’ll feel welcomed anymore if I visit, even when I try my best to respect the culture of every country I visit. I get anxious when people stare at me as a foreigner and somebody who looks different than the average European. In comparison, being in the Philippines felt safe since I was with people who were also Filipino, especially since I was born and raised in the US.
I’ll admit, I’m a hopeless romantic and simple-minded, and I don’t know if I travel for the right reasons. I don’t often experience romance in the States, and it either feels emptying, lonely, or indifferent at times. Girls always say they’re too busy with their schedules, but when I travel, most girls abroad are willing to spend time with me. I prefer traveling to see someone, but I don’t know if have that anymore.
Sorry for sounding so negative and lost. I’m not having the happiest time in my life, given my health condition — chronic fatigue, loss of coordination, muscle weakness, but slowly recovering — and quitting university. I’m not sure what to travel for anymore. I have connections that I can meet and spend time with in Europe, but I feel anchored to stay home in California for some reason. I think it’s fear of going, having heartbreak again, experiencing bad anxiety, or just doing something plain stupid. I don’t have anybody in my life that feels close. I’m 23, and at the same time, I don’t know whether to sit on my ass and act grateful now or still do things that make me feel young again in my 20s.
Now, I have been watching Jacob Koopman’s busking videos of him singing romantic songs in the streets of Dublin, and I’m having THAT feeling again — Europe and love.
I’m hesitant to plan and buy plane tickets for this summer.

Me and my ex are currently doing no contact. She knows how much I love her as I already write her a very heartfelt letter saying so. We’ve talked about how we can’t see each other with other people and how much we love each other even after the breakup. Yet long story short me and my ex had a little drawn out break up. I tried to make things work for a month after she first broke up with me. She said she needed to be alone a month later. I kept calling her and she agreed to, up until about a week ago she asked for me to take a step back. I agreed and didn’t message her and her birthday went by within those days. I still didn’t message her. She saw me downtown that night and cried to me and vented and was mad that I didn’t wish her a happy birthday. She asked to apologize and meet up in person the night after. That night we only talked super formally and only about how we’re looking forward to healing.
My one concern is that through that whole conversation, I didn’t make it clear that I still want to try again for a relationship with her. Earlier that day when she had initially apologized for crying and venting to me, I responded with as heartfelt and mature of a response that I could give, including me saying “While I’m aware that what we had is over,” then continuing to be optimistic about our healing processes. While I have made it know ever since our initial breakup two months ago up until a few days ago when we had that talk that I really want to make things work, I feel like given how I responded to her request for space, didn’t wish her a happy birthday, acknowledged that what we had is over, and me not even bringing up how I want to try again in the future will make her believe that I’m just truly completely over trying for her, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
For additional context, we had drawn out the breakup simply because we have so much love for one another other. We were each other’s first bf/gf. This whole process was all about her needing space and needing to be alone right now. She had said once or twice that if this is meant to be then it will be. Yet I’m scared that she might take me saying “While I’m aware that what we had is over” as a sign of me not wanting to try anymore. She never gave me a direct statement of her saying how we are completely over. She had said enough times to me that this is a breakup. How she needs to be alone right now. How she needs her space. And she doesn’t know for how long. Yet I’m afraid that I might have said the wrong words and followed through with actions that don’t truly align with my true incentives. I can easily tell that the conversation that we had was all the closure that she needed to officially move on from me and to start living her life completely without me. She is a very healthy woman who looks at the world through a very healthy, optimistic and peaceful perspective. Due to this it seems like she wouldn't’ be the type to hold onto something like this after getting closure like that.
I only acted that way and didn’t speak to her and didn’t bring up any future aspirations of rekindling with her just do not disrupt her emotions any further as I know that this is a tough time for the both of us.I currently work with her yet she put her two weeks in already and I have my final shift with her this Sunday night. I’m contemplating if it’s a good idea for me to tell her one last time that I’m still interested in trying again in the future.
Should I use our last shift working together as an opportunity to tell her that I still want to try again for a relationship in the future? I really miss her and still love her and care about her deeply. This whole process has just been really hard and I feel the need to use this last in person chance as an opportunity to show her that I’m still interested in her. I feel like she’s the love of my life and I’ve told her that throughout the past 2 months. Please let me know if you guys think that this is a good idea.
TLDR: I feel as though I gave off the wrong impression with my ex over the past few days. Unintentionally letting her think that I’m completely done with her and wanting to move on when that couldn’t be further from the truth. She is a very mature, peaceful, healthy and optimistic woman, and given all of the closure that she just got combined with my misleading intentions, I fear that she will officially let me go given that I was the one who wanted to hold on and make things work when she first asked for space. I still really love her and care about her deeply and feel as though she’s the one for me. Should I use our last shift working together to tell her how I still want to try again for a relationship in the future?

 I, (22F), have been dating my boyfriend, (20M), for about nine months now. Our relationship is pretty good overall. We hardly get into arguments, and when we do we resolve them pretty quickly. My boyfriend’s friend (21F) has been giving me very weird vibes since I started dating him. They’ve known each other since grade school, and she has a boyfriend that she’s been dating for about the same amount of time I’ve been dating my boyfriend, however, I always feel like she’s trying to one up me in my relationship. For example, one time we were all on a discord voice call, and my boyfriend ran out of cigarettes. They live pretty close by (like walking distance from each other) and I live about 25 minutes away, plus she has a car (my boyfriend doesn’t have a car). My boyfriend had just recently talked to me about quitting smoking, so in call I basically told him to try to exist without cigarettes. However, she insisted on going to the gas station and getting him cigarettes. This kinda pissed me off because 1.) she was enabling him, and 2.) it felt like she was brown-nosing a bit. When she dropped off his cigarettes she also brought him beer (he’s also trying to drink less alcohol) so once again just enabling him. She also likes to bring up a lot of inappropriate things from their past. Again for example, before my boyfriend and I met apparently they went to an event together and shared an hotel room. She randomly brought this up one day, and sent videos in our shared group chat of them in their room. They were relatively innocent in nature, however the way she filmed him felt more crush-y than platonic. Now I’m not one of those weirdos who think men and women can’t just be friends. I’ve had male friends who I had strictly platonic feelings for. However, those videos felt like the kind of videos you take of your crush to send to your girlfriends later. She also has apparently seen his balls before, which is…? Like I get that they’ve known each other for a long time, so her seeing his balls in a non-sexual context isn’t far fetched. However, why tell me? Like why do I have to know that you’ve seen my boyfriend’s balls. She has also asked about details of our sex life and whether or not my boyfriend whimpers. I will say that I did indulge her when she asked, half because I wanted to lay claim, and half because I wanted to see how she’d react. Also going back to our group chat, originally when my boyfriend invited me she kicked me out because she “wasn’t comfortable with someone she doesn’t know in there”. I also went through the old messages to see how everybody else reacted to my boyfriend inviting me, and nobody else cared but she said “I don’t think it’s a good idea to mix relationships and friends but whatever” very passive aggressively. Eventually I was re-invited, but after I had been kicked out the first time specifically because of her I’ve been side-eying her ever since. Even yesterday while we were all in voice call she turned on her camera. After awhile of literally nobody noticing that her camera was on (except for me because I tab’d out of my game to type something) she pulled out her vape and tried to get my boyfriend’s attention. She was literally like “Hey (bfn) look at this vape I just got, you want it?”. Once again I got the ick because it felt brown-nosey. Luckily my boyfriend was too invested in his game to respond so I spoke up and said “He doesn’t vape anymore, he mostly smokes cigarettes.” So again it just felt like….girl. There’s lot of other little things she did/does that I don’t feel like typing out in depth. Like when she dropped off some weed for him and was talking to him in a low sultry voice and starring deep in his eye right in front of me (it was weird, but I quite literally was tweaking so I didn’t say anything). Also the time that one of their nonblack friends said the nword and I wasn’t okay with it (I’m black). So me, boyfriend, and a few other friends decided to distance ourselves from them and she tried to gaslight me into believing it wasn’t bad enough to stop talking to them… Like I said earlier she has a boyfriend that she’s apparently super in love with, but she seems to always direct her attention towards my boyfriend, and I want to know if I have a right to feel a type of way about it. I know that I could just be over thinking it, especially given that I have BPD, but my intuition is usually correct on things. How should I even go about this? 

TLDR; My boyfriend’s friend seems like she likes him despite having a boyfriend herself. Am I overthinking things?

Hey! I have been through it for the last couple of weeks trying to figure this out like many others. I reached out to xfinity tech support multiple times on all ends and was always given incorrect information. They couldn't seem to understand that the bands need to be on their own individual isolated channels, not supported up thru 2.4-6 G. On their end, they're not seeing that the bands are not individual like we see it in our Xfinity app. I think some of the confusion is that on the consumer side we don't know that band steering is being used, and we would like to have control over our own functionality rather than xfinity automating everything so we cannot change our settings. Or the devices should just be compatible. There is *no longer* a separate "NETWORK NAME - 2.4G / NETWORK NAME - 5G" different login setting. It's all the same network name and password you setup. Anyway, most of the advice I have seen in all the forums asking the same question was also not helpful to solve the issue. But! I figured out how to fix this finally and everything is up and running. I also had trouble during my initial gateway setup after starting service where the app was not working at all and the connection setup always failed. It was ultimately because the error notification kept saying "must use WPA3 password." I told the customer service specialist multiple times but they were going to send someone out because it wasn't working. The problem was that the security mode for the password type was not set correctly in the settings. I had to select WPA3 Personal Only, then I could proceed to change my password and continue with the setup to finally allow me to login and connect to the internet service/network and not just the router. If you're having issues during setup with your new service where your gateway modem is working and connected but you can't connect to the internet -- go into your app settings and make sure that the security mode you selected for login to your network is the one your device requires you to use (WPA2 or WPA3). I think this is because my devices are newer 2019+ apple and require the newer protocols. I'm going to try to make a video to explain it at some point to show. The problem with the smart devices that require the 2.4G band is a similar issue. (The problem isn't unique to Google Nest devices. It can be any 2.4G WPA2 device, like a Dyson smart device, a Ring door cam, Smart TV, etc). There are a few different steps you have to take:

1. go to your xfinity app and do the following: wifi > wifi details > edit wifi settings > security mode: WPA3 - Personal Transition (NOT PERSONAL ONLY). This is necessary because the older smart devices that require the 2.4G IPv6 protocol will also require a WPA2 security protocol and cannot "see" or find WPA3 networks. When you select transition mode you allow the network and device to automatically communicate with one another based on which one they use, either WPA2 or WPA3. If it is set to WPA3 Only, then the WPA2 devices will not connect, and if set to WPA2 only, the WPA3 devices will not connect. Note that there is a toggle function that says "split bands" -- THIS DOES NOT WORK. It will automatically undo itself no matter how many times you toggle it on and select save. Don't worry about it.
   
2. login to a web browser and type in 10.0.0.1 (from your home network. not remotely)
   
3. under username and password type: username:admin / password: password. This is universal at first. Next you will change your password to whatever you want it to be. The username will always remain "admin." Note: the login is NOT your xfinity login info or your network login info.
   
4. Select: connection > wifi . You will now see a page with the individual bands: 2.4G, 5G, and 6G. Select "edit" next to the 5G band and toggle "disable" > save settings. Do the same to disable the 6G band.
   
5. Next go to: connection > status. You will notice that your 2.4 G band is now the only one "active" and the other two are disabled. You will also see that your security mode was changed to "WPA3 Personal transition" mode. You will notice an indicator count for what devices are connected to what band.
   
6. Select the "firewall" dropdown from the lefthand menu. Select "IPv4" and change this security setting to "minimum security low." Save settings. Now select "IPv6" and change this setting to "custom." Make sure that no additional "Block _" boxes are checked. Save settings.
   

Now you should be able to find your network on your device and connect the device to wifi to finish your setup process! For me, I had to reset the Google Nest Smoke Detector following the reset settings. I also uninstalled the Google Nest app. I turned my phone off and back on. I reinstalled the Nest app. I did not have to uninstall and reinstall the Dyson app. My iPhone and Macbook automatically still joined the network no problem because the login info is the same due to the band steering. I just got a notification on my Macbook saying that the WPA3 protocol was changed and said ok. For my Dyson hot and cool air filter I was able to pair the device and the network finally showed up. I followed the settings in the app and now that the network knows the "MAC address of the device" it is stored in the network's memory and they can find and communicate with each other now. Same with the Google Nest. If it doesn't work right away just try another time and it should work.

Important: the reason they automatically merge the bands and steer them is because the 2.4G is more unstable. This is true. You might notice that the connectivity will drop out occasionally for the devices which could explain why it might take another try to finish your setup. Don't worry about it. It will reconnect on it's own.

Now that your smart devices are connected and setup is finished, and your network knows their MAC addresses, you can revert all the changes you made to your network settings to go back to full functionality (2.4G-6 and increase your firewall security standards back up to your desired level. You just follow the reverse order of what you just did. Keep the 2.4G as is of course, but select: "5G > edit" and toggle enable on. Do the same for 6G. Now all your bands are turned back on and you have full access again. Go back to "firewall" and change the IPV4 and IPV6 settings. You will see on the top menu bar in the right that your security is back to "medium."

Go back to "connection > status." You will notice that all your bands are now active. You can see the device count for how many devices are connected and to which band they are connected. This may drop in and out so don't worry if you don't see the correct total. Sometimes the nest will drop out but it will reconnect itself on it's own in a few minutes. You can verify this on your phone by: Going to the Nest app and seeing that your "Protect" or whatever device you setup is good. You can go to the Dyson app and see that it is connected and get your status updates. You can also go to the xfinity app and see what devices are connected to your network as you usually would. Again, this might drop in and out with the Google nest. But! all your settings are restored and all your devices are now fully functioning and connected to your network :) You also might get notifications from xfinity on your iPhone once the devices are finally successfully paired to your network. Cool!

Important note: you can also use the 10.0.0.1 admin tool to manually add a device's MAC address if, for some reason, you still can't get things to work. I thankfully didn't have to do this because I figured out the solution, but it was going to be my next attempt. Thankfully, the Dyson has the MAC address for the device printed on the inside of the device. However, Google Nest unfortunately does not do this and you have to already be connected in to the app to view the system info. However, you could do a workaround for that by taking your device someplace else and using their wifi (as long as it is 2.4 WPA2 IPV6) to connect and setup the device in the app in order to find the MAC address for the device in the settings in the Nest app. Then you can take the device back home to your network, reset, and try to manually add the MAC address now that you found it (hopefully you took a screenshot or something :) ) Thankfully I didn't have to do this either, but it also would have been my next attempt.

Also, make sure you keep your password settings that you changed in your xfinity app to WPA3 Transition Mode. It'll stay that way for both 2.4G and 5G. This is important because the devices still need to be able to communicate and can only use WPA2. Also if in the future you have this problem again with another product, like perhaps an older Smart TV, you will already have the WPA2 functionality enabled.

I hope this was helpful! It's 3am but I'm so glad I eventually figured it out on my own!

Hey! I have been through it for the last couple of weeks trying to figure this out like many others. I reached out to xfinity tech support multiple times on all ends and was always given incorrect information. They couldn't seem to understand that the bands need to be on their own individual isolated channels, not supported up thru 2.4-6 G. On their end, they're not seeing that the bands are not individual like we see it in our Xfinity app. I think some of the confusion is that on the consumer side we don't know that band steering is being used, and we would like to have control over our own functionality rather than xfinity automating everything so we cannot change our settings. Or the devices should just be compatible. There is *no longer* a separate "NETWORK NAME - 2.4G / NETWORK NAME - 5G" different login setting. It's all the same network name and password you setup. Anyway, most of the advice I have seen in all the forums asking the same question was also not helpful to solve the issue. But! I figured out how to fix this finally and everything is up and running. I also had trouble during my initial gateway setup after starting service where the app was not working at all and the connection setup always failed. It was ultimately because the error notification kept saying "must use WPA3 password." I told the customer service specialist multiple times but they were going to send someone out because it wasn't working. The problem was that the security mode for the password type was not set correctly in the settings. I had to select WPA3 Personal Only, then I could proceed to change my password and continue with the setup to finally allow me to login and connect to the internet service/network and not just the router. If you're having issues during setup with your new service where your gateway modem is working and connected but you can't connect to the internet -- go into your app settings and make sure that the security mode you selected for login to your network is the one your device requires you to use (WPA2 or WPA3). I think this is because my devices are newer 2019+ apple and require the newer protocols. I'm going to try to make a video to explain it at some point to show. The problem with the smart devices that require the 2.4G band is a similar issue. (The problem isn't unique to Google Nest devices. It can be any 2.4G WPA2 device, like a Dyson smart device, a Ring door cam, Smart TV, etc). There are a few different steps you have to take:

1. go to your xfinity app and do the following: wifi > wifi details > edit wifi settings > security mode: WPA3 - Personal Transition (NOT PERSONAL ONLY). This is necessary because the older smart devices that require the 2.4G IPv6 protocol will also require a WPA2 security protocol and cannot "see" or find WPA3 networks. When you select transition mode you allow the network and device to automatically communicate with one another based on which one they use, either WPA2 or WPA3. If it is set to WPA3 Only, then the WPA2 devices will not connect, and if set to WPA2 only, the WPA3 devices will not connect. Note that there is a toggle function that says "split bands" -- THIS DOES NOT WORK. It will automatically undo itself no matter how many times you toggle it on and select save. Don't worry about it.
   
2. login to a web browser and type in 10.0.0.1 (from your home network. not remotely)
   
3. under username and password type: username:admin / password: password. This is universal at first. Next you will change your password to whatever you want it to be. The username will always remain "admin." Note: the login is NOT your xfinity login info or your network login info.
   
4. Select: connection > wifi . You will now see a page with the individual bands: 2.4G, 5G, and 6G. Select "edit" next to the 5G band and toggle "disable" > save settings. Do the same to disable the 6G band.
   
5. Next go to: connection > status. You will notice that your 2.4 G band is now the only one "active" and the other two are disabled. You will also see that your security mode was changed to "WPA3 Personal transition" mode. You will notice an indicator count for what devices are connected to what band.
   
6. Select the "firewall" dropdown from the lefthand menu. Select "IPv4" and change this security setting to "minimum security low." Save settings. Now select "IPv6" and change this setting to "custom." Make sure that no additional "Block _" boxes are checked. Save settings.
   

Now you should be able to find your network on your device and connect the device to wifi to finish your setup process! For me, I had to reset the Google Nest Smoke Detector following the reset settings. I also uninstalled the Google Nest app. I turned my phone off and back on. I reinstalled the Nest app. I did not have to uninstall and reinstall the Dyson app. My iPhone and Macbook automatically still joined the network no problem because the login info is the same due to the band steering. I just got a notification on my Macbook saying that the WPA3 protocol was changed and said ok. For my Dyson hot and cool air filter I was able to pair the device and the network finally showed up. I followed the settings in the app and now that the network knows the "MAC address of the device" it is stored in the network's memory and they can find and communicate with each other now. Same with the Google Nest. If it doesn't work right away just try another time and it should work.

Important: the reason they automatically merge the bands and steer them is because the 2.4G is more unstable. This is true. You might notice that the connectivity will drop out occasionally for the devices which could explain why it might take another try to finish your setup. Don't worry about it. It will reconnect on it's own.

Now that your smart devices are connected and setup is finished, and your network knows their MAC addresses, you can revert all the changes you made to your network settings to go back to full functionality (2.4G-6 and increase your firewall security standards back up to your desired level. You just follow the reverse order of what you just did. Keep the 2.4G as is of course, but select: "5G > edit" and toggle enable on. Do the same for 6G. Now all your bands are turned back on and you have full access again. Go back to "firewall" and change the IPV4 and IPV6 settings. You will see on the top menu bar in the right that your security is back to "medium."

Go back to "connection > status." You will notice that all your bands are now active. You can see the device count for how many devices are connected and to which band they are connected. This may drop in and out so don't worry if you don't see the correct total. Sometimes the nest will drop out but it will reconnect itself on it's own in a few minutes. You can verify this on your phone by: Going to the Nest app and seeing that your "Protect" or whatever device you setup is good. You can go to the Dyson app and see that it is connected and get your status updates. You can also go to the xfinity app and see what devices are connected to your network as you usually would. Again, this might drop in and out with the Google nest. But! all your settings are restored and all your devices are now fully functioning and connected to your network :) You also might get notifications from xfinity on your iPhone once the devices are finally successfully paired to your network. Cool!

Important note: you can also use the 10.0.0.1 admin tool to manually add a device's MAC address if, for some reason, you still can't get things to work. I thankfully didn't have to do this because I figured out the solution, but it was going to be my next attempt. Thankfully, the Dyson has the MAC address for the device printed on the inside of the device. However, Google Nest unfortunately does not do this and you have to already be connected in to the app to view the system info. However, you could do a workaround for that by taking your device someplace else and using their wifi (as long as it is 2.4 WPA2 IPV6) to connect and setup the device in the app in order to find the MAC address for the device in the settings in the Nest app. Then you can take the device back home to your network, reset, and try to manually add the MAC address now that you found it (hopefully you took a screenshot or something :) ) Thankfully I didn't have to do this either, but it also would have been my next attempt.

Also, make sure you keep your password settings that you changed in your xfinity app to WPA3 Transition Mode. It'll stay that way for both 2.4G and 5G. This is important because the devices still need to be able to communicate and can only use WPA2. Also if in the future you have this problem again with another product, like perhaps an older Smart TV, you will already have the WPA2 functionality enabled.

I hope this was helpful! It's 3am but I'm so glad I eventually figured it out on my own!

i have really bad avoidance tendencies, and sometimes deal with paranoia that a few times in my life became delusional thinking. my psychiatrist thinks it’s bipolar, i disagree, but that’s whatever. i graduated college last may, ended up getting a job that was not what i envisioned for myself at all (i’m a software engineer and the job market sucks right now). i had to move to a new city, its about 30 mins away from my old college and i know a small handful of people who still go there (although even while i was still in college, i was a loner and didn’t have many friends). i did have this one friend who i’ve known since high school, but in the past 3 ish years, my mental health and toxic behavior led her to have to set strict boundaries with our relationship. i don’t blame her at all, i would’ve done the same. i have really bad avoidant tendencies that, along with my paranoia and inability to trust people, lead me to blow up on people and pus them away in the process. at this point, our friendship will never go back to the way it was. she also moved go another state so even the meaningless surface level convos we do have are over text. i have completely socially isolated myself. my work is nearly fully remote and i work very independently so i dont even need to socialize at work. im supposed to go into the office 4 days a month, but even then i usually find an excuse to stay home for at least one of those. It’s mid may, and I’ve gone to exactly 3 irl social gatherings the entire year. Literally exactly 3. and two of them lasted 2 hours, the other was a concert. all were with people in not very close with but i would still consider friends. the only form of socialization i do have consistently is playing video games with some online friends i made in the past couple months, but i really question if they play with me because they enjoy or because im a girl and they like the idea of playing games with a girl. one of them asked me out which made me kind of sad because i thought i was finally making friends even if it’s just over a video game, but then i remembered people only want to be around me for some sort of gain. i said no and they stuck around, but i worry he’ll ask again and if i say no again i will go back to being socially isolated both online and in person. i’ve been in therapy since 2021 but i recently switched to a new therapist who focuses on trauma work. idk if its the trauma response or what, but i’ve been so emotional lately and i hate it. i hate crying, i hate thinking about stuff that makes me upset, and i feel guilty all the time. i have such a hard time connecting with people, im extremely arrogant and judgemental, today i tried going to bed and then i remembered that when i was in high school, my mom who didn’t get the chance to graduate high school because she was a teen mom, went back to get her her and enrolled in community college courses just for her own fulfillment. she was so excited to learn this stuff i was learning for free from her own sacrifice. and i was so impatient with her when she wouldn’t get it. and i would make her said when id be impatient with her. i hate myself for being like that. and i’m still so cold with her not just with her, but for some reason it’s impossible for me to be genuine with people, and with her 90% of the time, i am faking it. and she can tell. a few years ago she asked me to teach her python, and i did for one day cuz i wanted to make up for what i did when i was in high school, and after that’s when she asked again i would make excuses and say no until she just stopped asking. a year ago she went back to our country of origin (we’re immigrants) and i feel like ill never be able to make things right. now the only interactions we have are daily facetime calls where i try really hard not to be snappy with her or cold and i fail every single day. i feel like it fuels my depression and it’s a never ending feedback loop. if she wasn’t alive i would probably have killed myself by now, and i really worrry about the day she dies, ill be ridden with guilt and shame about how my moms whole life, i wasn’t ableto connect with her, or anyone. and my only friendship was also ruined. my mom was really strict growing up and has bpd tendencies, so i know why im like this, but she loves me a lot and i hate that i have this inability to forgive her or maybe some built up resentment that i haven’t been able to get rid of in my 23 years of existence. im so full of guilt it is literally eating me alive, every time we call i can tell she is sad because she can tell im distant and have literally nothing to talk about. i don’t want to talk about work, i don’t want to talk about what i ate, what i did, nothing. sometimes its because there’s nothing really to talk about, but mostly it’s because i just don’t want to. i don’t know why i don’t want to, i almost want to say i can’t. but when im talking with my sisters i usually have a much easier time. i just don’t understand why i love my mom so much but i have such a hard time talking to her and not losing my patience or becoming irritable at everything she does even when she’s not doing anything wrong. even if she hurt me at some point, she didn’t know better and she always tried her best. i was a difficult kid, and she parented the best way she knew how. my dad is dead and was never in my life (like at all, i didn’t really know him), and i am reasonably close to my sisters but i feel like my mom is all i have at this point and i disappoint her every single day and i can’t stop. im not paranoid right now but i feel so depressed and hopeless

TW: brief mentions of depression, suicidal ideation, and attempted suicide
When I (28F) was growing up, I was the golden child of the family. I didn't know it back then. Up until I was in high school I had a younger sister and an older half sister I only saw a few times a year. It wasn't like I never got in trouble or got yelled at, in fact I have a very vivid and hurtful memory where I was called a liar by my parents when I was being 100% truthful (they just didn't want to hear it and wanted someone to be mad at I guess), and then I was told to just "suck it up and get over it". But compared to my younger sister, who was compared to me in every way, I always had the perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect behavior, etc. Our parents, especially our mother, who was the main parent taking care of us during the week, pretty much pitted us against each other constantly. My little sister was being told she needed to be more like me, and I was told my sister was a bad kid. I would try to help her stay out of trouble as a kid and would get mad when she didn't listen to me because i didnt understand she was just being herself and didn't need to be exactly like me. Up until college, I didn't understand that my sister didn't need to change, she needed her parents to love her as she was and help her instead of trying to mold her into some ideal of perfection. We were picked apart constantly about every little thing we did, and I was expected to always somehow know everything even if I'd never learned it before. My house was full of constant yelling due to the extremely high expectations and my mother's terrible temper, and it became a very stressful place to be starting when i was around 10. We went through a lot of financial hardships as well since I was very young, so I dont want to dismiss how hard things were for my parents and how much they went through. But I have always been hyper aware of how much it costs for me to exist as my mom stressed so many times over the years that she couldn't afford to buy even a new shirt because she had to buy stuff for us, as if that was at all our fault.
When i was in high school, my baby brother was born. He pretty much instantly became the new golden child, not only because he was the youngest and the only boy, but because it became clear at a very young age how intelligent he is. I was a straight A honors kid and he was blowing me out of the water since he learned to read. I didn't mind at all because 1) I was going to be going to college in a couple years, and 2) with our age difference, he was as much my son as my brother, and I took on a very loving parental role with him of my own volition. I also saw the promise in him and I wanted him to live a happy life. My little sister and him are very close to this day, at least to my knowledge. During this time they were still coming down really hard on my little sister, treating her as well as they always had - meaning they still yelled at her constantly and were overly critical of her and everything she even thought about doing. They talked about sending her to military school more than once, and pretty much resigned themselves to the idea my sister would never be able to live on her own before she even got to high school, let alone graduated.
Flash forward to when I was in college, I started coming home and noticing things about how my parents treated my sister, and for the first time I saw it for how terrible it was for her. The distance and time I spent away from the house helped my little sister and I completely change our relationship by my second or third year. What really solidified it was a series of events that happened my junior and senior years of college.
My sister moved to our town with her husband with their 2 very young boys, and we soon found out she was pregnant with twins. That is kind of where it all began to fall apart. Time showed not only that her husband is a massive pos, but also potentially abusive, although we never got concrete proof. As my sister's pregnancy progressed and they struggled to get on their feet, my parents started watching my nephews for hours at a time, sometimes the whole day. And if my parents had to babysit out of nowhere and put their lives on hold, me and my younger siblings were expected to do the same. No toys, no books, no games - nothing. Essentially, the entire house was expected to babysit in a way that i have been told wasn't normal. Even my little brother was expected to take on this role in caring for kids who were only a couple years younger than him. I spent my entire childhood taking care of my little sister and then my baby brother, and I hated seeing how they were doing the same to him when me and my little sister were at the age where it shouldve been left up to us. I started really butting heads with my parents as the situation progressed because they started yelling at my baby brother when the boys would even bump their heads even though it wasnt his fault. He never mistreated them, hit them, pushed them , or anything, so my parents justified it by saying he wasn't being a "good uncle" by "letting them" bump their heads on the tv stand, for example. He was expected to let them play with all of his toys, and my mom tried letting the boys use things that were very important to my brother, which would've ended up with the boys taking those things home. Saying it that way makes it sound a lot more mild that it was, but I'm trying to save time and not give out too many personal details. I guess you could say in short, my parents began expecting my elementary school age brother to give up his time, his space, his toys, his gifts - anything that meant anything to him, to help care for children when he was still a child not much older than them. I ended up giving my baby brother my room to not only keep his stuff in, but to sleep in.
In the end, my sister had the twins and then moved back to her home state about 6 months later. We think her no good husband lied to her about us and she cut contact with all of us, and we haven't heard from her since. In our house, the damage was done. I had long conversations with my little sister when our parents weren't around about how she needed to get out because of how they were treating her, and how I would eventually graduate and move to a city where I could find a job. But neither of us wanted to leave our little brother in that house because we were worried how they would treat him when we both left. Our parents had already proven they would throw any of us to the side at any second, even their golden child baby boy, and blame even him for anything that went wrong. Our parents have a history of spilling all our business at any holiday meal and badmouthing any little mistake. They would talk shit about us in front of us and shame us in front of family our entire lives, and if my sister and i weren't there to take the brunt of it, how long until they turned on my baby brother. Would they even wait until he wasn't "perfect" anymore?
Throughout all of this, I was struggling a lot in college, and starting around junior year i became very depressed and suicidal, which resulted in a major attempt in my 5th year of college, which to this day i don't like talking about. Before that, however, I went to my mom about feeling depressed and told her i thought i needed to talk to someone. She brushed me off. I was dumb enough to think that maybe she thought i was exaggerating, so i tried a second time to ask her for help about a year later, and she brushed me off again. Part of me blames her almost entirely for my attempts, because i came to her before any of them because i knew thats where it was headed if i didnt get help. All she had to do was make a couple phone calls to find me someone to talk to and she couldn't even do that for me. I was a scared girl who needed her mom's help because i didnt know who to turn to, and she turned her back on me. After my final attempt, I pulled myself up and got help, but my financial aid ran out and I was unable to return to school and finish my degree, so I went back to my parents house and was absolutely miserable for the next 6 months. I felt like a failure, like I wasn't "perfect" like i was supposed to be. I felt suffocated every single day and like the only ones who wanted me there were my siblings. One day I tried a little experiment and sat in the living room with my mom for the entire day and she didn't say one single word to me, didnt even acknowledge my existence. Ever since the stuff with my nephews happened, I had doubled my efforts to protect my siblings and take the brunt of my mom's anger, so I pushed back a lot when they tried to get onto my siblings for ridiculous things. I ended up ghosting my friends for 3 months because I was so depressed, and it really scared them. It was then I knew i had to get out of that house or it would kill me, so I moved into my grandparents' house a town over.
Things at my grandparents' house started okay, and i was even able to confide in them what had been going on at my parents' house, which in the end turned out to be a big mistake. I got a job working overnight at a retail store and met the guy who is now my boyfriend of 3 years. Unfortunately, the longer i spent at my grandparents' house the more i saw where my mom got it from, and they ended up treating me just as bad as what was going on at my parents' house. The only difference was that my sister wasn't there so i was taking the brunt of all of it. When things started getting tough for them after my grandpa retired, instead of sitting down with me like an adult and asking if it would contribute financially, my grandpa cornered me in the car when he was driving me back from work and guilted money out of me with a sob story. And guilted me at the dinner table the second time when they needed more money. One time i walked in the house after work and before i had even taken my shoes off or put my purse down to get my wallet out, he blocked the door to my room with his hand out like a loan shark to give him the money. I payed for all my own expenses, took short showers and kept as many lights off as i could, and told them not to buy me anything, even food. And in the end, even though they guilted me for money, then more money, and promised they wouldnt kick me out, they sold the house out from under me when they knew i was still trying to save for an apartment with what little money i had left a month. I ended up having to live with my best friend and her husband or i wouldve been homeless. I still helped them move even when they f-ed me over. And even after all that, I still went to holidays and visited my parents from time to time.
The last time i saw my grandparents they ran into me and my best friend in a store. My grandpa saw me first (he and my grandma were in different parts of the store), and starting yelling at me for pretty much cutting them off since i hadn't been to see them for months, and then when he started realizing he looked like the bad guy tried to make the reason i stopped talking to them about politics (i live in a conservative area) as if that would justify it. When my friend and i were trying to grab one last thing before we left because i was humiliated and trying not to cry, my grandma cornered me at the deli counter, had me pinned between the counter and a cart so i couldn't leave, and started yelling at me too. I was so broken back then, but i tried to tell both of them i would talk to them but not in the store. They just wanted to scream so we left. I haven't spoken to them since and have no plans to.
Eventually i moved 2 hours away back to the city i had went to college in. During that time, my grandparents drove the 3 hours to try to find where i lived, and then called trying to get me to come downstairs. I was asleep for work at the time but it made me feel so uncomfortable that they would do that. And after living there a year and my bf and i commuting to visit each other every other week, it came to the point where if i wanted our relationship to continue i had to move back. This is not something he ever brought up to me, this was a decision I came to on my own. So two years ago I moved back to the area I grew up in. We live an hour away from my hometown and 30 minutes away from the town i met my boyfriend in. And although he has family in both areas that we visit, I haven't seen or really talked to my parents or siblings since i initially moved out of the area.
A year ago, after a year of silence from me and from my parents, I dropped a box off at my parents' house when they weren't home with souvenirs i got them on vacation when i first moved back, short letters to each of them about the gifts, and a long video letter on a flash drive explaining everything I felt because i knew i couldn't go on without being honest and i knew if i tried to have a conversation in person, they wouldn't listen to me. I told them i wanted to keep them in my life but i couldn't ignore everything that had happened and the ways they treated me and my younger siblings. I told them i had no interest in continuing a relationship with my grandparents and that anything they have told them probably wasnt true. I sent them scans of my diaries as "proof" that i wasn't lying because that's the kind of house i grew up in - if you couldnt prove it, it didnt happen. I laid myself completely bare so that i could heal, knowing the whole time they may never want to speak to me again. I gave them pictures of me and my boyfriend and my new phone number anyway. The only thing i didn't give them was my address because we live on his family's land and his family, knowing a bit about my family and also about my grandparents essentially stalking me, don't want anyone from my family nosing around on the property. I don't want that either so i agreed not to give it out. The people in my life who knew about the box and the letter turned video letter were supportive of the idea given all i had been through, and I thought dropping it off would be the end of things.
Since then, I have healed from everything that has happened. I'm still angry and sad and i feel like I'm grieving every day, but I'm not the spineless, scared girl i used to be. My boyfriend has helped me become a better person in so many ways. But i still miss my family, especially my dad. I feel like he didnt deserve what i've done for reasons i cant go into, because the reality is he depends a lot on what my mom tells him because he works, and he trusts her deeply. I feel like in some regards he depended too much on her word, although he isnt completely innocent. There's obviously a lot more to my story that what I have here or else I'd be writing an autobiography, but just know if this all sounds like it isn't a big deal, I have so many stories and so much more detail that isn't safe to give out here.
The reality is my parents and i pushed each other away until we all became strangers long before everything blew up. I felt like a stranger from the time i left for college. I was made to feel like if i wasn't at home, i was a second thought, and a lot of very serious issues happened while i was away that i didnt find out about until i came home. My last year of college i was physically starving and could only afford to eat one meal a day if that. When i had left for school at the beginning of that school year my mother made it clear i had to figure it all out myself because they had no money to give me, but then i came home for Christmas and everyone but me had all new electronics. I cried asking for money to buy my uniform to start my campus job but they bought all new computers and tablets. And that stung.
Last Christmas, my parents and siblings messaged me. It was the first time I had heard from them since before i dropped off the box. It was just a Merry Christmas, but it absolutely shocked me. And then they all messaged again on my birthday. Same thing, just little pleasantries, but it makes me feel like maybe that door isn't closed. However, I have absolutely no idea if we can move forward, if they want to, or even if its a good idea to try. I have struggled a lot since college about whether or not all of this and everything I wasn't able to share here is or is not a big deal. I've had people close to me listen to my whole story and call it emotional neglect and abuse, but I just don't know. I feel crazy most of the time, and I'm afraid I'm exaggerating or making it up for attention or something, which also doesn't make sense. I struggle a lot in my day to day. I am ruled by the emotions of those around me and i cower like a kicked puppy when people around me are upset, even if its not my fault. I get ashamed when i make a mistake or i'm not "perfect", and if my feelings are valid I have no idea if it would be a good idea to get back in touch. But i think about if/when my boyfriend and i get married, and how i have no family to sit on my side. It sometimes feels like it's my fault because i wasn't strong enough to just shut up and deal with it anymore. At this point I dont know what is the right answer, what's going to finally give me peace. For now, I just keep moving forward trying to build a better life with my boyfriend and hope all the pieces will fall into place later.