Funny i love you more than quotesunny i love you more than quotes

So I (m28) have been married to my beautiful wife (f28) for a little over 2 and a half years or 3 years in October. She is the love of my life we have been actually dating since we were 19. But we got married in October of 2021 and we planned getting married around a certain promotion I was planning on getting at work and yeah it lined up. Since being married for some reason I have really felt the pain of losing my mom. I lost my mom when I was 23 to a rare form of blood cancer. It was really strange. It happened so fast she was fine at thanksgiving dinner and then she collapsed a couple days later and we dead not long after new years. My family grieved so hard especially my dad. I had 1 more semester at college but dropped out to come stay with him and help him. My sister also who is 7 years older than me was really grieving. I for sure grieved the experience. My mom was my favorite person in the world. She was the person who gave me warmth and comfort. My dad could be a hard ass. My mom was so warm and loving to me. but I had to finish college and start my career. I have essentially been working my ass off since then.
But settling into my promotion it’s not that I’m not working as hard but my job is a lot more structured and I have a set schedule. I make enough money to right now at the time my wife just has a part time job. You can judge if you want but we always wanted her to not have to work. She has a part time job working with animals which is her passion.
But for the weird part of the story. I work Monday through Thursday my schedule is 6:30 am to 5 pm. That is my schedule every Week. My wife thinks my schedule is that plus Friday 8/2. The reason for that is. I wake up at 7:15 every Friday morning I get ready like I’m going to work and I go and get breakfast alone at this place that was my moms favorite breakfast place and then I hit various retail stores that my mom took me when I was a kid. Such as hobby lobby, Home goods, Joanne’s fabrics and during Halloween time spirit Halloween and party city. It’s really weird. I don’t usually even buy anything but when I go into those places it transports me back to the times in which I was little and would go in these places with my mom. I especially love it in the fall time as that was her favorite and Christmas time as she loved those decorations. I have been doing that for almost 2 years now every Friday. It’s so weird I know. But we live in the same exact town we grew up in my wife and I. We want to be around our family while they are still here so these places I go into are the same exact places and i get such vivid nostalgia and memories. I don’t tell my wife because I’m a man idk. I know I should think differently and I know she wouldn’t judge me but I like that it’s my own thing. But lying is wrong.

“the initial grip of fear, that turns into the unexpected earning for your capture.”
the poetry in here is about survival and surrender. it delves into the complexities of a karmic love. being trapped in a situation, while still being aware of its toxicity. my poems are meant to convey the tumultuous journey of being in love with a narcissist. (your “capture”) the lessons you learn, as painful as they can be, invite you to take a step into the shadow side of love. if you feel at home here, I’m truly sorry. there is a way out. I hope you break free. -with so much love, gillian.
and when you retreat,
i’ll wear this shirt for days.
intoxicating & sweet,
with your cologne interlaced.
breathing in your deceit,
it kind of feels like mace.
denial mixed with defeat.

• i’ve always had bad taste.

i knew you weren’t game.
still i chose to play.
it isn't fair to blame.
believe me, i carry my own shame.
poured myself into your glass,
played the waiting game.
leaking through your cracks,
our imperfections the same.
-i recognize a glass half full, even when it’s shattered.
every summer, we reheat.
you left your roots behind
seasons change, but cycles repeat.
if you see the same tree in the forest twice,
it’s time to face defeat.
must come to terms,
the truth can be bleak.
-you’re lost.
got a god complex,
but you’re not religious.
searching for who’s next.
never fearing Jesus.
sit back & count your checks.
blame your mistakes on demons.
make your excuses.
you’ve got your reasons.
-false prophecy
you remind me of an onion.
make me cry as I peel away at you,
in search for your seed.
but you’re just a facade of skins.
layers of deception,
concealing the truth.
disappointing.
you have no core,
only hollow creed.
-my mother’s disdain for onions.
there’s always been a haze between us.
murky, convoluted, undefined.
more than friends, less than lovers.
simultaneously strangers.
but in this ambiguity, I find solace.
-for grey is my favorite color.
i’ll play bartender,
make you something nice.
your heart in my hand,
gripping your ice.
drain me dry,
leave me hollow & still.
next week you’ll return,
thirsty for your refill.
-whiskey sour
bittersweet.
should have read the label.
“poison”
sitting so pretty on my table.
calling like an offering,
tempting & fatal.
it won’t go down smooth,
leave me unstable.
i tried to resist, i was unable.
now i see that love exists,
but only in fables.
-why do mistakes taste so good?
your lips left a bruise.
just here to distract.
but i admit i’m confused
when you kiss me like that.
aware i’m being used.
still comfortable where i’m at.
position i choose
complacent doormat.
-welcome home
you prefer car rides.
a space to talk, yet evade my gaze.
unable to sit still, restless in your ways.
never one to settle, always seeking the next best fling.
oh, how I long for the days when adderall made you sing.
-my fuel light is on
I broke my own heart,
more times than a few.
i may have lied,
but never to you.
if i faced the truth,
then what’s left to do?
i’m comfortable here,
wasting my youth.
i hate to admit it,
but i know it’s true.
i’m scared of change,
you run from it too.
i won’t forgive myself,
for always forgiving you.
-can you be home sick from people too?
You’re dead to me.
-Necrophiliac.
come on.
i forgave you,
without an apology.
convinced myself it was closure.
started our anthology.
this will never be over.
it’s in our biology.
let’s have a do over.
can you just come fuck me?
-delusional. & i can’t rhyme either.
i’ll read between your lines,
decipher each clue.
search for the signs,
follow your cue.
you’ve spun me around,
think i’ve lost a few screws.
still i rise, dust off the bruise.
maybe i’m drawn to a challenge,
perhaps it’s not you.
denial is my shield.
my safe space, my refuge.
the truth will not prevail
defeat? i refuse.
my final boss,
I aim to subdue.
-sore loser.
my mom said i felt cold.
I always tell the truth.
the words escaped my mouth.
“i get it from you.”
funny, she hugs me now.
never in my youth.
conceal carry my trauma.
play it cool, keep it smooth.
use my words as a weapon.
daddy taught me how to shoot.
-target practice
it’s lonely as a ghost,
been trapped here for years.
lingering around,
mopping up your tears.
do you sense my presence?
can you feel me near?
if I dare make a sound,
will you even hear?
or am I just a whisper?
it’s never been quite clear.
promised to stay beside you,
my love was sincere.
-invisible
afraid to release
what's just a mist.
I must learn to respect
your lack of interest.
hard pill to swallow,
if i could just take the hint.
i hate letting go
of what doesn't exist.
-maybe i’m the problem
chasing you down as you flee,
why look back, just to see?
i’m gaining distance, is this what you need?
only now I realize, I'm your source of glow.
i feed your flame, you need me to grow.
without my warmth, will your embers persist?
or will they die out, because I was your wick?
I can go the distance, even do it quick.
didn’t think I could pass you but, tag, you're it.
so when your lost in the dark,
just look for my light.
for my flames eternal.
vivacious and bright.
-Ruled by the Sun.
you love her like a one-way mirror.
boosting your ego, making thoughts clearer.
she stands before you, but can you even see her?
soon her time will come, to be valued, to be known.
to be more than a reflection, to be art on her own.
-shattered
i feel as though i’m trapped
in a museum.
exhibits of my past.
meticulously preserved & on display.
forced to observe and to my dismay..
no exits.
-i don’t like it here
i am an esteemed professor.
teaching you how to love.
i am a well-traveled guide.
leading you to your full potential.
i am a warrior.
going to battle for your reputation.
i am an artist.
molding you into your greatest self.
i am a generous humanitarian.
donating my most precious piece to another women.
she sees no flaws.
enamored by your beauty.
a saw the hardened marble slab
i chiseled away for years.
only to reveal the beauty underneath for someone else to cherish.
-wasted potential
when we were pretending to be strangers, I loved you from afar.
when we were playing house,
I welcomed you with all my heart.
you left me here, with nothing but a scar.
sad and empty.
headed to a bar.
light up a cigarette.
fill me with tar.
I hope you think of me when you see a shooting star.
-maybe you loved me in a past life
only one day will i realize
the last thing i should feel is surprise
my personality has been downsized
because i chose to compromise
with a man wearing a disguise
your plan was always devised
but I’ll meet you at our spot
-king sized
you can fill your bed with anyone.
but who can fill your void?
you’ll never solve the puzzle
-sincerely, the missing piece.
ravenous for praise.
the apex predator.
you feed on the weak.
but never leave satisfied.
your greedy but insatiable.
devoured your feast
how can you be famished?
-taste me and see me why you’ve been starving
there’s things i wanna say to you.
but i’ll just let you be.
you have a way of always avoiding
-accountability
you’ve got walls up
but i know where the windows are
-can i come in?
maybe you do
love me
but only in the dark
when no one’s watching
-conditional.
i wish i was tired of you.
forgiveness, i can’t escape.
they say patience is a virtue,
but it’s a habit i can’t break.
-if i had a dollar for all the times i should have blocked you
the spot i had for you was soft.
made for you, a perfect fit.
delusion is wearing off.
disgust is starting to hit.
gave it all to you, at any cost.
-should have known it wasn’t permanent.
and just like that,
2 steps forward. 10 steps back.
why do i feel comfortable in this trap?
-i hope you run away and never come back
I don't wish you well, that would be too easy.
I wish you self-reflection.
-internal accountability.
i am the girl that learned
to do everything by myself.
to not depend on others to save me.
to fill up my time, or entertain me.
he said to go where i am appreciated, so i went to therapy.
-i’ll send you in the invoice.
in order to heal a wound,
you have to stop touching it.
-i have dermatillomania
thank you for reading! far from perfect but i took up writing as a way to express myself and it really helped me heal and process my emotions <3 thanks guys

Context: I just finished college and I have also been dealing with some difficulties in life recently. I love backpacking and fly fishing and I really just need to take a road trip and explore to clear my mind and enjoy the time I have right now. I would probably be going late May or mid June.
I’d be starting in North Carolina but I want to find a place to go to out west. I have been looking at driving out to the Trinity Alps Wilderness in NorCal. Realistically I don’t want to spend more than $1200-1500 for 10-14 days including driving.
Could you all give me some advice on other places that are great for backpacking and trout fishing and/or fun routes?

Hi y’all I’m from the Canadian Prairies so ofc I gotta say y’all and live hockey. Just looking for buddies in Canada and preferably people close by
I’m 25F from good old ‘Berta. I’m not looking for anything other than friendship and SFW chats. Please be talkative and chill!
I try to respond fast but life gets busy
I like hockey, tv shows, cartoons, seeing, crocheting, thrifting, board games, painting, escape rooms, cafes, writing, and so much more
I like to move around and exercise but I’m not fit and not a fan of the outdoors haha
I’m Canadian but ethnically Middle Eastern. I’m very left politically and hate bigotry and discrimination of any form. I’m spiritual/religious but that’s a personal choice, you do you boo :)
I don’t drink, smoke (socially but like once a year), and drugs
I love golden retriever energy and just wholesome people
Message me and lmk your age, gender, and where you are from in Canada! A bit about you would be appreciated too

I don’t think my partner is toxic. Well, maybe in some ways. But I think that often characterizes many toxic relationships, the kind where it’s actually pretty great in many ways - the person themself is a complete and worthy human and they bring so so much to the relationship and are full of love and caring which they shower you with, and it’s real - not to be categorized under “love bombing” or “narcissism” - they support you, they’re your person, they are reliable, they help you, they are always there for you, they’re generous, they tolerate your cringe and your fails, they tell you they love you constantly and they mean it — and yet something is off, there’s more fighting than there should be (paraphrasing, but Gottman studies show disagreement should only be 15% of the time), communication is fucked up and there are times y’all just don’t get each other to the point where you wanna rip your hair out, you’re stressed, you feel constantly under a weight, you feel guilty, the way they talk raises your blood pressure, you find yourself having no respect for them in many situations (not all), as much as you want to cuddle with them you want them to fuck off when they don’t respect your boundaries, you’re upset they never change those 2 things you say would be relationship changers because those 2 things are objectively bad things they shouldn’t do, and you frequently think about how you could stop being in this relationship, as much as you find yourself lost in the joy of the moment when the love and trust is strong. And of course, they did those things that make you filled with rage when you remember how they wronged you in the past - but they have basically changed even tho they don’t get the story completely right, and you’re mostly over it.
These are the ones that aren’t so clear.
And that’s how I feel right now. For me, we just fight too much. The tough conversations always go the same way - and it makes me mad it never changes.
What I really wanna know is has anyone ever successfully, in an adult and mature way, disentangled themself from such a situation and maybe while experiencing a medium amount of distress, still felt confident and secure about their decision ? My breakups with serious bfs have always gone either absolute traumatic, or the one time it went ok was because they moved so far away due to extreme circumstances so it wasn’t rly anyone’s fault so it ended amicably and I didn’t have to see them around after.
For me, as much as I absolutely love him I’m torn over both our petty jealousy, his inability to tell a story exactly the way it actually went (must I be resigned to never really knowing?), the fact I can’t bite my tongue and I shouldn’t anyway, his spazziness which stresses me out. And I am sometimes daydreaming of being completely independent and not attached to anyone so that I don’t have to answer to anyone and I can make my own rules and have consensual, mutual relationships with people where we don’t get so entangled that we are distressed when the other person isn’t exactly what I need from them. Where we respect each other’s individuality. As an aside, I’m strongly questioning the default monogamy which leads to people needing to lie to each other about their feelings and work against their selves to make it work - is it monogamy that’s the problem though, or is it a mismatch?? I vote mismatch. Because we agree to relationships and get to the point where we can’t get out without drama when if the whole situation was evaluated more carefully from the start, we might not have had to constantly guilt trip the other person to be who we want them to be. We could just respect eachother. The whole monogamy conversation is besides the point though. When you know it works with someone, you know. You don’t start thinking of all this other stuff.
I feel dependent on my partner - I’m so fragile and find it difficult to be self sufficient or even non-materialistic, that I actually think of “how would we split all this stuff that we share”, or I would finally have to learn how to buy a car, and how on earth would I afford my own place. These material things are not really the things I think Im ultimately struggling with - I’m struggling with overcoming the excuses and to find the strength deep within to know I could overcome it and make my own path.
These things are so tough ♥️ thanks for listening if you did even a little bit.

Hello, my name is Zach I’m a 23 year old (m). I’ve been living with my aunt and uncle for the last 8 months I graduated college this last December but never could find a job. My aunt and uncle live in a 26” pull behind trailer traveling the country and I sleep on their couch. I was given up on a job than we decided to call up a friend at the koa. The koa has been a great working experience aswell as helping keep my mind off bad things in other places. I’m thinking of doing the work camping idea full time, but I don’t know how confident I am getting a camper. I would love to have my own place, I kinda need it after this period on the couch. I just don’t know how reasonable it is to commit to the camper lifestyle so young I’ve heard awful things can happen aswell as upkeep is expensive. I don’t really want to travel and work at different koas I would prefer to either find a Koa for yearly or just give up the camper idea (none of my family owns land). The apartment idea seems like it could be safer but when looking at rates it’s insane to think about living for one year roughly it’s basically the camper if the camper has nothing break down. So my question for you Reddit experience and non what would you do in this situation? I should have roughly 13k by October but don’t want to waste it or trap myself.
My mom wants to move in with me either way and she would like to live near a beach like 100 miles etc and I’ve heard humidity is awful on campers and idk if that makes the apartment option more affordable or not.
I will respond and edit any messages about this all help is important when looking at decisions like this. I’m looking for experienced or just perspective I’m really confused

This might be a long read so brace yourself ...
When I'm asking if I'm being in the wrong here I only mean in terms of accountability and in regards to the situation and not so much about the wrong or right itself and would like some insight/advice basically..
Relationships Background: I met my first ex a few months ago and she gave me a speedrun of everything most couple would usually do after a few months and since I didn't know any better I just went with it since she was my first everything. It ended with her initiating the breakup after less than a month after 2 weeks of long distance after she came to visit me. She gave me the "it's not you, it's me" and "you are the first one to treat me right" (she had multiple partners). She was also a bit insecure and sensitive and needed constant reassurance.
In the case of [HER], all her exes are by products of one night stands which ended up into relationship because they all asked her for one to her surprised and she just agreed with them. She described as liking them but not really ever falling in love with them so I guess I'm the first one to be fall into that category. In [HER] case, she is highly confident about herself and in what she accomplish (makes a lot more money than the average person). She gets self gratification from making money even though she can just live off her parents wealth but she finds having nothing to do boring so she became independent.
With that in mind, here's how this story starts.
On April 3rd, I reinstall Hinge because I want to have some new connection after moving on from my ex. It's not until April 23rd when I match with [HER]. At first I was surprised since I didn't expect it so I express my surprised via text in which she later explained her side via a voice note saying that she thought I looked like one of her students so she was afraid someone would recognize her which is her fear so she never matched with me. (I sent her a total of around 4 likes because I used to delete my account and make a new one again and her acc would always show and she kinda recognize from that as well.)
After that, we just exchange a lot of voice notes talking to each other about stuff and things which later I ask if its okay for me to ask her to go out on a date at this point. She then explains she has some requirements before actually going on a date with someone, she prefers getting someone a little bit more and seeing if we're compatible before meeting since she finds it weird how most people would rush which I agreed.
From there, we talk a bit more via voice note where she asks me what's my definition of love and my concept of relationships which she said almost is the same as hers. She explained for her to fall in love for someone it would at least take her 5 years or so and that's after they're able to past the 4 stages of love described in her own way; honeymoon phase, difference, compromise and initial stage of love.
The next day we just talk some more via text and and voice notes till 2 AM and what not talking about random things and life. At this point, I thought we had some good chemistry or so. We later talk about our exes and stuff.
A few days later I then try and ask again for a date since it felt like we had established some sort of rapport and knew a bit more of each other. She then tells me more about her schedule and how busy she'll be and how she'll be traveling soon in the next 2 weeks for her school stuff. At some point she said she had a symposium she was organizing at the university and I asked if it would be weird If I came to see her.
She said she didn't mind but wouldn't have time to cater me since it would be busy. Please also note that up until this point, I didn't know her real name since in Hinge she's using some random name and I didn't really ask her about it since I guess she didn't want to but I figure me showing up to that event, I would at least find what's her name which I did.
Anyways day comes and I show up to the event, it's is a medium size classroom. I didn't recognize her at first since she had a different haircut. I didn't wanna intrude or anything so I just sat there listening to the event till the end. I didn't really get the chance to talk to her or anything by the end since they had an after party and whatnot so I decided to head home instead feeling somewhat weird? So rather than just heading straight home I just sat there on the subway train listening to music instead. I texted her saying I wished we could have spent a bit of time together but you looked so busy and what not.
After a few minutes later I decide to head out for a walk because I was just feeling weird, I then see a text from her inviting me to help with returning books to the library if I want to which I agreed. To my surprised she showed up with two luggages .. which we just walked around till we reach the library. From there, I got to finally meet her in person and talk to her for a bit. I thought we had a good time, by the end I walked her home and that was mostly. We just kinda waved to her each and say goodbye to each other. I was kinda thirsty that night so I asked her for water but she gave me some korean brand banana juice instead. I then later send her a text thanking her for inviting me to help her which she doesn't reply to.
She's usually only replies if I initiate the conversation first which then let me gaslight myself into thinking it's because she's probably busy .. anyways we text each other for a bit that night because I asked for her number later instead of using Hinge. I then get somewhat down bad and ask if I can see her again tomorrow in which she replies "what's the benefit of seeing you again tomorrow?" which I thought was funny but she was serious. She had to write her REB so I guess she didn't really have time.
It's then the weekend and on the morning of Saturday she invites me to join her to the library and then we can eat at some place later if I want to where she'll be busy working on some stuff. She emphasize that she'll be annoyed if she is disturbed while trying to get work done which I didn't mind since my work is online and I only need a laptop to work.
I showed up at the library a bit early and letting her know, she then tells me she's going to get some coffee nearby first and then meet me so I wait for her at the library. Around 30 min goes by and I start getting a bit worried because she still hasn't showed up and hasn't given me any updates at which point I text her if anything is alright or if she's safe and what not. I get no answers for a bit then later she texts me she's inside where I was on my way to the coffee so I go back inside and then we just sit near each other and focus on our work. I give her the same korean banana juice which I found later at some korean market I went by to buy before meeting her. A few hours goes by we then go to a japanese place by walking there so I get to speak with her for a bit which was nice. I then pay for the bill then walk her home and then again we just wave to each other and say goodbye.
At this point, there has been no physical affection or the sort. Her body language isn't really telling me she's comfortable so I'm not really going for it even though I'm starving for it. I figure she prefers taking things slow so I'll go at her pace. Again, I text her later thanking her for inviting me and spending some time together which I appreciate. She doesn't really reply and giving me back the same energy.
So constantly, I'm always wondering if she's interested in me or enjoy spending time with me. When I ask her about it, it most of the time gets deflected or maybe it's a language barrier and I don't always get what she means when she sends some of her texts if I'm being honest but for some reason I find it cute. it's not like she's playing hard to get but it's confusing to say the least.
Anyways, because of that, I became hesitant to make plans to see her again since she doesn't really people calling her on the phone either unless absolutely necessary she explained to which I joked saying if I'm about to die then I'll call you.
After that second "date". i just try to limit my interaction to texting her a few text daily or so because I just wanted to have some kind of interaction with her. At this point I realized this may or may not be a one-side interest but then I gaslight myself thinking, she's a busy person and still makes some time for me so surely she's interested in some way?.
After a week or so of daily interaction I decide to somewhat stop contact because I also wanted to focus on my stuff and perhaps explore my other dating options if any .. a week goes by and I never hear from her again until one day she just sends me a text that just finished working at some factory as an interpreter and that her phone will be temporarily be disabled because she'll be traveling.
I then expressed my surprised because I figured she had forgotten about me and whatnot. We then exchange a few text here and there, we both caught a cold and talked about how shitty the weather is here and stuff. Again, I'm always the one having to initiate or there won't be any contact .. like at all. So it's hard for me to know if the person is interested even when being asked so I'm left with just overthinking.
Anyways, I ask her more about what time she's leaving and what time and if she wants to spends the last 2 days eating out and spending time together and stuff.
She said she went to some resto the day before but it was busy and had no table because of mother's day. At this point, I looked up the resto because I wanted to make some reservation so we could go there but I stopped myself because I had no idea what kind of situationship this was and if I was putting more effort and not receiving any. So I ended up sleeping instead.
The next day in the morning she texts me she went back to that resto but found out it's only open on certain days for brunch so she was sad and we exchanged a few random texts from that.
then the next day, this is our last conversation this morning before she's away for the next 4 months ..
ME

Will I see you again after 4 months or this is goodbye..? I feel a bit envious of your exes because they all got to be in a relationship with you and meet the girlfriend version of [HER] and all I ever got seems to be the busy version that just sends me off saying bye bye and leaving me confused most of the time with her texts haha 😅

HER

? wtf you don at 6 am plus even boyfriends need to see me off for the summer. I only going for fieldwork, not leaving. don't worry, you will see me when I'm back

ME

I was trying to fix my sleep schedule and I ended up waking up early randomly and then you were in my thoughts idk What do you mean I'll see you after you're back, are you saying you want me to wait for you? 😭 I don't even know what we are, I figured you're too busy to think about that or me as an option so I'm left overthinking.. I would have wanted to see you off but I didn't know where we stand

HER

I thought you gonna visit yesterday since you asked

ME

I wanted to but I didn't know if you wanted me to since it seemed you wanted to go to [restaurant] I was gonna make reservations there but then I realized I might be doing too much because I don't know we're in a relationship or just buddies. Now you leave in one hour and I'm even more confused

HER

Can't you see the problem in your first 'relationship' is that you guys rush everything? In my opinion, you don't know how to form healthy relationships. Take it slow. If you want to see me, make plans. Don't moan afterwards this and that. I can tell you I have always been very busy even with boyfriends. I suggest you set goals and we can celebrate together once you achieve them. I will be back in September. You're welcome to contact me then.

ME

Yes I agree that rushing was the issue in my first but in this case it's more of a mutual interest and communication. From my perspective, it seems like I'm chasing you for some reason because I'm not getting the same energy that I'm sending out. It seems you only respond if I initiate first. I'm always left wondering if you actually want to spend time with me or interested. When I ask you about that, you seem to be deflecting instead of giving me a straight answer or tell me how you feel.. I literally have no idea what you feel most of the time aside from being busy

I can take it slow as a 100 years as long that I know the other person is also interested in building something together in the near future with me. I do want to make plans but it's hard to differentiate if I'm being used for my kindness or for attention when I receive no reassurance when being asked for it? Surely you understand the concept of return on investment.
Or maybe you're right, maybe I'm the problem idk..
HER

well, investment. I would say even my friends invest more on me than you, if you really want to argue that. I also think if we can't make good friends, we won't make good couples. If you rush things, I will retreat because I need my independence more than anything. Make you own choice. Do not talk like a victim.

I didnt really reply anything after that because well not sure how to respond after reading that so I ended up on reddit instead.
NEED OBJECTIVE OPINIONS/ADVICES? I consider myself pretty in tune with myself and my emotions but here I find myself a bit confused and I can't tell if I'm getting clingy or obsessive or too close to the situation to think clearly so I figured I'd make a post and hear some of yall thoughts on this to see if maybe I'm the one who still need to work on myself or maybe we're just not compatible? I guess it would also help me get some closure and not feel so shitty.
p.s if you made it this far, thank you for reading and hopefully you have some insight on my situation since I do not have that much experience when it comes to dating certain girls.
i also passively use twitter and saw this tweet that goes: I’ve noticed I don’t have an issue communicating. My issue is people’s responses . It’s the lack of accountability and the one-sided perceptions that I cannot tolerate.
And I thought that was kinda how I'm feeling right now but not sure ...

Hi y’all I’m from the Canadian Prairies so ofc I gotta say y’all and live hockey. Just looking for buddies in Canada and preferably people close by
I’m 25F from good old ‘Berta. I’m not looking for anything other than friendship and SFW chats. Please be talkative and chill!
I try to respond fast but life gets busy
I like hockey, tv shows, cartoons, seeing, crocheting, thrifting, board games, painting, escape rooms, cafes, writing, and so much more
I like to move around and exercise but I’m not fit and not a fan of the outdoors haha
I’m Canadian but ethnically Middle Eastern. I’m very left politically and hate bigotry and discrimination of any form. I’m spiritual/religious but that’s a personal choice, you do you boo :)
I don’t drink, smoke (socially but like once a year), and drugs
I love golden retriever energy and just wholesome people
Message me and lmk your age, gender, and where you are from in Canada! A bit about you would be appreciated too

Hello, my name is Zach I’m a 23 year old (m). I’ve been living with my aunt and uncle for the last 8 months I graduated college this last December but never could find a job. My aunt and uncle live in a 26” pull behind trailer traveling the country and I sleep on their couch. I was given up on a job than we decided to call up a friend at the koa in the mountains. The koa has been a great working experience aswell as helping keep my mind off bad things in other places. I’m thinking of doing the work camping idea full time, but I don’t know how confident I am getting a camper. I would love to have my own place, I kinda need it after this period on the couch. I just don’t know how reasonable it is to commit to the camper lifestyle so young I’ve heard awful things can happen aswell as upkeep is expensive. I don’t really want to travel and work at different koas I would prefer to either find a Koa for yearly or just give up the camper idea (none of my family owns land). The apartment idea seems like it could be safer but when looking at rates it’s insane to think about living for one year roughly it’s basically the camper if the camper has nothing break down. So my question for you Reddit experience and non what would you do in this situation? I should have roughly 13k by October but don’t want to waste it or trap myself.
My mom wants to move in with me either way and she would like to live near a beach like 100 miles etc and I’ve heard humidity is awful on campers and idk if that makes the apartment option more affordable or not.
Any responses will help and I will be updating and responding.

24F been dating 24M for about 2-3 months. We get along very well, he’s cute and caring and super loving and cuddly - sex is amazing too… Now, lately I feel like I’m not ready to commit to a serious relationship (he already knew I was not ready but was willing to try it out) and I do not want to hurt him (especially considering he might be much more invested in me than I am in him). I do care for him - I just don’t have my heart in it / nor I feel like having a relationship (other than sexual) with him at the moment.
What would you guys do in my situation? Is ending things the solution? If so, how do you recommend me to go about it (please be detailed - I’ve never really dated before since I had a long term relationship for the longest time and don’t know how to manage these situations).
I feel so bad by just thinking that I might have to end things and possibly let him down and hurt him in the process…

I haven't been able to get an EDS diagnosis as, although all the markers are there (and some of Marfan) my bloods didn't have the correct indicators.
I have a diagnosis of HSD (which is quite bad) but also of a chronic inflammation disease of the kidneys which I've had since birth. I also had a kidney removed about 5 years ago owing to excruciating pain and ill health for a year that was seemingly undiagnosable - despite the diagnosed "disease"??! Don't even get my started on how stupid it all was, it was medical gaslighting and negligence.. however the kidney (singular) failure also did not show up in my bloodwork, or look obscure (any more obscure than usual) in the ultrasounds. Although there was visible and explainable reasons for the pain outlined by the histology report following surgery.
I therefore believe and operate under the assumption that I do have EDS.. and that my inflammation of the kidneys is also a complication of my connective tissue. I could go and get a second opinion, and I could also get genetic testing to discover if there's an issue there. For the time being, the rheumatologist did confirm there is a connective tissue problem and that's what I attempt to manage.
I struggle with my energy and mobility to a certain degree but am very lucky that I can mostly manage day to day life with some accommodations and if I go slower, bring snacks, take rests etc. It gets harder as time goes on.. and I will, at some point, go back to a rheumatologist but I kind of can't be bothered right now..
I feel as though I'm at the tipping point of my health in that, I can no longer keep up fully and I'm trying to find a new balance and find the right support. But often when I ask for help, I seem fine and get dismissed.! I am aiming to have an appointment with my new GP soon and think she's helpful and kind so will ask there too but would like to be prepared.
I'm not on any medications. I take vitamin D and sometimes magnesium and turmeric with black pepper. I'm trying to get stronger again also. Was very sad I had to give up sports, but the recovery time is just not worth it. Trying to get stronger again through exercises and hypermobile friendly stretches. I've also done a significant amount of grounding and balancing of my nervous system. I have also been tested for PCOS through several ultrasounds and do not have this.
I have four areas I'd like advice:

• Nutrition:

I've been told all my life to keep a low sodium diet for my kidneys.. and for the most part I do. But there's days I crave salt or find that I need it for physical strength (possibly POTs). I'll eat chips or salted crackers or drink pickle juice (!) if I feel like I need a quick boost or electrolytes. I've tried eating a banana or some other low salt replacement, but I really feel like I need the salt. Otherwise, I don't add salt to my food, I naturally don't like things that have too much salt. I would love to see if taking electrolytes or adding protein powder will help me feel physically stronger, but I am worried about my kidney health. Does anyone have any advice.. or can recommend what kind of diet to follow? Most doctors don't know how to help or think I'm being *dramatic* (when often I underplay how much I struggle cause hello internalised ableism). Unfortunately also my kidney specialist I had when I was a kid passed away.. and my case was too complicated for the nutritionist I saw, although he did say for the most part my diet seemed healthy.

• Flare ups:

I've been getting more flare ups recently after overexerting myself. There are a couple of factors that I can pinpoint (like drinking beer or sitting on the ground outside unsupported for too long) that can trigger a flare, but sometimes I can't tell why. Again this could be diet related, could be due to not making better accommodations on a given day or could be not resting sufficiently, dehydration etc. Does anyone know how to figure out what the triggers can be? Or if it's more related to the inflammation or EDS so can know what to manage better? Some days I seem to manage perfectly, and others I mess up and have no idea why.

• Diagnosis:

Does anyone have experience getting an EDS diagnosis without the blood work markers and can offer recommendations? Long shot, but does anyone know any specialist doctors that might be interested in my case?

• Benefits:

For whatever reason I haven't been able to get financial benefits in Ireland, even when I was severely ill and had surgery (owing to the negligence of my GP) mostly due to the complicated nature of my illness. Again - I have a diagnosed "rare" disease, that affects all my insurance, but doesn't qualify me for care or benefits?! Is there anyone in Ireland who receives benefits due to EDS and how did you go about getting this/ what process?
I can still work but can't do 40+ hours unless it's mostly remote and I can work in bed. I also can't work on my feet anymore unless it's like 1/ 2 days a week and I spend the next day in bed. I really want to work (and would, in another life, be working outdoors/ with kids and camping all the time) but am limited by my options. I'm looking for a new job now but scared of being at work 40 hours a week and asleep or in bed for the remaining time.
Sorry it's so long, any help or advice appreciated :)

Had this cRaZy idea at the path station going home... shit maybe I don't have to pep talk myself... *all* by myself and work it out in my own head. Maybe I don't have to look for Reddit "articles" that fit my situation, maybe it's time to make my own post. Maybe everything doesn't have to be confined to the walls of my journals.
Disclaimer: obviously, I'm not asking for anyone to fix my problem for me. I'm fully aware that it has to come from *within*. But some advice, especially in overcoming shared experiences, would be very helpful at this point. And yes yes yes I know it sounds like I'm taking open mics waaayyy too seriously. I know I am. I know I'm good at overthinking and I know it's what I'm doing now. Open mics are supposed to be scary-fun but when it comes to the actual moment's reality, I just make it scary. I'm on the verge of seeking performance anxiety therapy. Otherwise extremely frustrated with myself.
It's worth noting that I (24f) struggled with crippling, mute-level social anxiety since ... birth?..as a child. Which in many situations cannot be noticed now, but it's definitely evolved into selective mutism. Anyway, I'm a musician, I've been a melodic lyricist since I was a little kid, started teaching myself guitar when I was a young teenager. In high school and early college, I had a really goofy phobia of playing in front of people -- even if it was just pals bein pals (I'm definitely over that much now). Years go by, I stuck with music even though I was forced into college by external/societal forces and financial aid. Transferred to community school after one year, and eventually dropped out with an associate's when I was past the age of a bachelors....When I realized that working part time to pay for school and personal wants (many of them music-related), and schooling part time not knowing a damn thing about what my true calling was besides music, was making me miserable. Days of silent treatment from my ma didn't stop me (never should, I realized).
So here I am, two years later. Working on an album with many trials and tribulations, but I'm embracing the journey. Yet the one thing that's been urking me is the fact that I just haven't played live, even if that means practicing doing it (it's next-level terrifying). I've also moved to Jersey City since dropping out of college, and it (/NYC) is literally the Land of Opportunity when it comes to open mics. When I was still living with my mom (in Bumblefuck, NJ -- I live with my dad now here in JC), I played *one* open mic a year and a half ago in Montclair -- a good hour or so away from where I was living then -- and absolutely bombed it. I let external input dictate my "setlist" way too much; I wasn't well prepared; my voice shook throughout the performance; the mic wasn't even a decent distance from my mouth, but I neglected the setup process altogether. Hell, I didn't even bring my guitar in its case because I was afraid of even the most subtle shit fucking up the tuning. Total flight-or-flight mode; just wanted to be off the stage asap. Why I even followed through with the sign-up, shit. You'd just have to ask 22-yo Morgan. I don't know. In a weird way, she had balls that I don't have now.
But because of that experience, I've learned soo much about preparation and putting *personal* intention behind selecting covers and originals. And the kind of stuff to select for a usually-acoustic setting. After being fickle with my choices far too long, I allowed myself to divert some of my attention from recording/Garageband producing, and finally assembled a setlist that I feel works for me. Practiced the hell out of it. Maybe too much, at least the first cover and original that I picked before #3 (a cover and a good choice that I heard at work one day). My psychiatrist also recently prescribed me blood-pressure-lowering medication that I take about 45 minutes beforehand to avoid palpitations interfering with my performance (like the first one in Montclair).
So once I felt like I had all the songs down, I decided it's time to fuckin finally sign up. So I did (via Instagram) just less than a week before, for a bar with weekly Monday open mics. It was a NY venue ... I took the path train, then the subway, then I made the short walk. The place itself suddenly freaked me out. Like the Google Images page, the pictures of the venue were suddenly real. My pussy ass walked passed it like I was going somewhere else (when you're a tiny, forgetfully-"unarmed" female in NYC, ALWAYS look like you know where you're going). Made the street-grid in my head when I was walking past it since I was early enough to psych myself out; I thought I'd just walk a few blocks and come back. Started to come back.... no. Turned around; waste of metro money to say the least.
The night that followed and the day after, I hated myself so much for doing that. I DMed the same person on Instagram asking to sign up for the following week. Throughout the week, I handwrote myself a literal 8-page pep-talk journal entry (all with very good points to combat the feelings and apprehensive thoughts). I thought that the self-disappointment and regret would be enough of a motivator for the next one. But this past Monday (a week later)? Same shit. Repeated cycle. Decided I'd play at a different one I knew of the following night (which was yesterday/Tuesday, who also has them weekly) -- signups were at the door, and the time limit was only 7 minutes, so I'd only play two songs that were very simple, one original and one cover, and it'd be over before I knew it. I got there pretty early (another New York venue) -- I was the first one there. The doors hadn't even opened; host walked past me asking me if I was there for the open mic, that the doors were opening in about 15 minutes, I said yeah. Nerves started creeping up a little bit. But my feet stayed planted to the pavement. I was feeling like, yeah, this is really happening. More performers started arriving -- some of them were nice, some of them made me even more nervous, but either way most of them seemed like they were at least a little self-assured (the comics very playful; one of them even had a special coming up), and knew someone else there waiting for the doors to open. The more people that showed up, the more scared I got. But networking with the others just confirmed all the more that I was going to play. I started to get that fight-or-flight response; the fear was growing... then the doors opened. I stood in line, I was talking to people a little; I probably didn't seem very scared on the surface but I sure was. At this venue they make you pay to perform, so when it came to be my turn in line, I thought of a quick out -- "is there an ATM?" When I heard there was one down the block (even though they also take card or Venmo), I turned around and DIPPED.
Here I am today, feeling shittier than ever about this. How it could've even ended up being fun, could've opened doors to more opportunities, connections, and maybe friends. I have other scattered open mics planned besides the other two weekly venues I mentioned, one I'm thinking to do Friday outside the city (somehow being in a different area where I can be sure no one knows me or will, to start out / warm up before I start going more locally, makes me feel better). Here I am again thinking that this will be motivation enough, thinking "next time / Friday will truly be the one [if I can switch shifts at work]". But there's another voice that asks myself, how can I be so self-assured about that at this point, when I've recently felt this way two times before, and it resulted in the same outcome?
Messing up is part of the process, and yeah it's scary, especially thinking about nerves affecting my playing and vocals, but here is where it comes back to the social anxiety -- that fear of being perceived is 10x scarier. Performance anxiety to a socially anxious person, is voluntarily skydiving to a person who needs a Xanax to be on an airplane, especially when it's so personal and passionate; different than a forced presentation in front of a class (which I also always used to get nervous for). And when I ask myself, "can a performer and this level of anxiety actually coexist? Am I even meant for this?" ... I think about something that somebody sent me about Jerry Garcia (for those who don't know, deceased Grateful Dead lead guitarist/vocalist/lyricist) -- how Bob Weir (bandmate) thinks the drugs that killed him were to deal with this level of performance anxiety that was too much to fit inside of a human body. Meanwhile, the audience loved him, whether they were in another world on psychs or not. The same person who sent that Jerry Garcia thing to me, I respect a lot as a performer and overall musician. He circumstantially is set up through family, though, to always be playing with other people and having gigs. He told me a story about how he found an open mic he was going to do, drove there, sat in the lot, and turned around. Performing alone is scary in general. I know I'm not the first person to do this and not the last, probably. But doing that three times doing in a row? I really want to start doing regular open mics so badly, but it's as if this fear just possesses my insides when it comes time to actually do it. The other frustrating aspect to it is that another part of me is as brave as I've been weak-minded.
I also know that the rather simple answer, in essence, is just getting up there and actually fucking doing it. But I'm wondering if there is anyone here who has had this experience, and what you did to overcome it; what made you really play that first time after those cold-feet "outtakes". And even if you didn't really do the cold-feet thing in the past, any advice or perspective or support in this community would be much appreciated. And do you think I could go back to those same venues without being looked down on or cringed at (if they remember me)? If you even read it this far, I also really appreciate that to begin with. I'm also very open to criticism and tough love, but please keep it cordial and kind.

Sooo with that said, I have 0 expectations rn. Whatever happens, happens and I’m okay with it. So here I am opening myself up to really anybody if they just want someone to talk with. If things end up being more than that then great but I’m gonna stop going into things with expectations for a bit while still also putting myself out there
So when you message me it would be super great if you could mention what it is you’re looking for and I’ll let you know if I’m interested or not
Now in the long run, I’m still hoping for love someday. I haven’t given up, just not going into a conversation anymore with the hope of something more to come.
Some stuff about me now!
I’m super cuddly, I’m a gamer, I work as a light designer, I’m agnostic, I’m left leaning politically (I will say I’m never down to talk politics I think it’s a horrible conversation), I’m very loving and affectionate, I’m a goofy person, I like sexual innuendo and Dark humor, and more more to come if you decide you like to get to know me!
Some other things, I’d prefer if you were single. I’m not looking to get in the way of a relationship even if that’s not the intention when you message me, I’d prefer if you were from at least the east coast or the US. But bonus points for the northeast!
I think that’s it; let’s chat and see what arises

Hi,
I would love to have your advice after you get my situation below
I would love both a professional advice to how to work in the situation, and a technical advice to improve the security of my organization overall.
Basically, I work in a very large enterprise as big as AT&T and probably bigger. I joined a year ago and it was my first job but here is what i found.
• Incident Response People are +40 who didn't have experience in cyber security and they are now my superiors (I am T1 Analyst)
• I spend hours and hours working more than my daily hours, just for fun trying to find any undetected abnormalities, and that bothers IR because the manager of my manager of my manager like my work, so my friends and IR started treating me differently.
• IR can't handle any incident properly and their best is formatting a machine or blocking an IP.
• My direct manager doesn't know anything about the job and never praises me, and she is unprofessional, she only like those who flatter her and talk about their houses with her (she is 50 never married).
• the manager of my manager is sometimes nice and sometimes not but overall he is very kind but both of them are friends since they were young so he would never think about firing her, IR + direct manager + her manager are both like a gang where they wouldn't let any one try to shake their chair.
• the manager of both of them (let's call him DD), is a very respectable, knowledgeable polite man who joined little before me, he used to invite me to meetings with other companies, but because i wasn't thoughtful enough and was suffering from the inside, i jumped on his shoulders and unintentionally disrespected him and kept interrupted him many times while he was talking with some other VIPs, that was 6 months ago and he never invited me since then and i think it's too late to apologize for him.
Now, i need some help would it be good to tell DD about those people (IR + managers), till now i didn't, and he told before to go to him at any time if i have any suggestions that would improve our security posture, he said that he prefers that i would also inform my manager before it (whom i know will just throw my ideas on the ground and would never follow on them).
Last thing is, i can't tune the windows processes in my organization as due to Qradar lacking info i can't tell whether the "new service started" alert is normal or not specifically the discan.dll for the data integrity scan, for such processes and similar what would be the best process to tune them.

*Disclaimer - I am very unexperienced with writing like this, however I love this community, so I thought I would give it a try (All feedback is welcome). Thanks to u/ComplexNo8986 for inspiring me to write, and of course u/Sweet_older-Sister and all the other mods and creators of this community for giving me this opportunity* - Sorry if this post is too long, I just really enjoyed this idea
The Rock, a beast of a bygone era, a cavernous brute. Contained within its endless halls are the pinnacle of human strength and prowess, the Dark Angels chapter of the God-Emperor's mighty imperium. Yet festering below the surface of this perceived beauty and grace, lies the endless quest for love and retribution.
In the middle of spiraling wires, circuits and other mechanical necessities for such a monster, stands a single man, his stance and gaze unwavering, just as they had been for countless days, years, even milenia, the count didn't matter, as long as he held his oath.
Now what this oath? it was but a simple gesture that surely shook the cosmo, for this duty was not to some ruinous power, either human or demonic, but to the one thing that many men alike would surely sell their life away for, love.
Just as this 'Noble Knight' had stood on guard for countless life times, so did the one they served, admired, and lived for, both alike in the lack of expression and inability to move from their post. This love is no ordinary matter, as this woman shrouded in automated stasis, an echo of time, was no mere mortal, but the Firstborn of the Imperium, the Lioness of Caliban herself, Elaine El'jonson.
The Squire - Filthy mongrels (He said wiping the blood from his sword, as throughout the centuries the futile excursion of an assassin reach the Lioness's tomb.)
A violent crash shook the chamber
The Squire - What now? (He stated with hints of indignation)
Within moments screams of raider and angels alike would echoe within the corridors. He raised his sword in response, as he had countless time.
Seemingly endless moments until a figure appeared within the threshold, a character of impressive stature, but nothing this 'Knight' wasn't prepared for. stepping forward into the dim light emerged the forgotten and disgraced son, Luther.
Luther - Impressive father (He noted while he scanned the room, as the bodies of undescribale horrors and humans alike scattered the floor, along with their insides, now outsides, yet Luther noticed the stasis pod of his mother remained pristine, almost glistening)
The Squire - You wish to join them? (He said, gritting his teeth with fury)
Luther - No, I only seek to bring mother into her rightful fold (A slight smirk appearing on his face as he uttered this phrase)
The Squire - I have and forever shall stand between my beloved and your ruinous powers (The blood almost bursting from his veins as he spoke)
Luther - So be it (He unsheathed his own blade in response)
Both angels, one a guardian, the other a prodigal son, leapt towards each other, their blades making alluring yet repulsive sounds. A mirade of storming blades and strikes would continue for what felt to both parties, as an eternity. As the battle and the 'Knight' began tire, so did he begin to falter. Before he brought another onslaught upon his once so-called father, Luther steadily paced towards him, the 'Knight' huffing for breath, fell to one knee, clenching the brace of his blade.
Luther - Goodbye 'Father' (Disgusted at the very notion of this mere mortal being his mother's chosen one)
Luther slashed his blade with frightening speed, the 'Knight' unable to react, took the blow, splattering his blood crossing the room. Clutching his wound this noble turned to face his beloved, placing his bloodied hand upon the stasis pod, a final mark of commitment, one forever enshrined in blood and honor.
The Squire - We shall meet again my love (He said with fading breath, collasping to the ground, his eyes closing while his mind feed him the pictures of their home, where their love had blossomed, accepting his fate)
Luther - She will never remember you, I will make sure of that (He spat upon his once father, now nothing more than an obstacle to the Dark Gods)
As his saliva made contact, a shiver ran down Luther's spine, but he thought nothing of it. He began to make his way to the stasis pod. In one last act of defiance, the Squire grabbed the foot of Luther's power armour, but Luther effortlessly kicked it aside, his gaze began to shift to his mother, when the room began convulse, the metal purring, as having being afflicted by a monstrous force, Luther's eyes darted around the room. A hand piercing from the tank grabbed Luther by his helm, holding above the ground, gasping for air as she removed herself from her cage. She threw Luther across the room, and bent down picking up her lover, uponing seeing the blood and his face shining with content, She came to tears. Her eyes raised again to Luther's and upon seeing the blood upon his sword, no doubt her love's, She let out a mighty screech, a roar of countless wasted opportunities never to be fulfilled. Luther dropped to his knees in pain, holding his ears begging her to stop, yet she continued. As Luther cried out, the Squire opened his eyes, seeing his love once more.
The Squire - My lady you've returned to us, to me (his breath shaky due to his injuries)
The Lioness stopped her howl to listen to her chosen guardian, and as his eyes closed once more, she grabbed Luther and snapped his neck, slowly, removing his helm first to make sure she could she the pain enter his eyes and watch as his life left. Cradling her adored, she made her way to meet her sons, with the pray that their could revive her love.
The Squire - I have too far to die so easily my lady (he grasped her hand in reassurance as her tears continued to fall)
The Lioness had returned, but at what time, and what cost?

I’m 21 female married to man who I do love I really do he is amazing in every way. I’ve never had to question his love for me we’ve been together for 4 years. We recently got married last month because he joining the military and it made since I thought it made since. He’s been away at basic and for the first time in 4 years we spent more than 3 days apart and can’t communicate really. So I’ve had a lot of time to just think and think. And I can’t get my old best friend out of my head at all. It started before the wedding were I would imagine her asking me to call it off. Just constantly thinking about her every song reminds me of her. And I know there is no way in this world I could be with her. She is also married and has a kid. In high school we were very close she was one of the first people I told I was bi. And that experience in general was insane for but we never pushed anything at that point. Until I was talking to this guy and for some reason making out came up and I was nervous about it. What did I do I let her teach me. She was the first person first girl I ever made out with. But neither one of us looked at as anything more then just her helping me to be better for a guy. Then our senior year one of our friends was throwing a party. Keep in mind at this point we are both talking to guys who we both said we liked. That guy for me was my current husband. But at this party somehow or someway we started to slip away to a room or a locked bathroom just to make out. Making excuses that she was sick and I was just taking care of her. We were supposed to go on a trip together and she made a comment on how maybe we could take it further somewhere along those lines. And I honestly just think it was a drunk comment on her part. Non the less it scared me I can’t even tell you why. So I didn’t go I told my self it’s because I was choosing to be with this guy and I can’t entertain her anymore. For all I know she might and very well could be straight I’m not assuming what our relationship meant to her. I guess I didn’t wanna give up this guy who I know would love me for the girl who made my whole world spin but would never love me . He always felt the safest and I love being with him I can laugh with him be myself with him . He pushes me to be the best person I can me. Hell I joined the military for me so I could go to school and would have a place to live. I’m just so lost right now because I’m scared that I would even have to let him go . But at the same time being married to him feels like I’m giving up a very very important part of my life.i just I don’t know what to do and I can’t even talk to anyone about this .

It comes with a spoonful of distrust for the self.. when you attempt to seek relation and comfort from others, even when that thing comes from a "negative" place.. and when i use the word negative I don't mean bad, I mean negative in the way a battery has a positive and negative side, there always needs to be a place for both sides of things
In the pursuit of being understood, trying to "improve" things for people, trying to spread joy and happiness by fixing as big and unattainable problem and solution that is possible, thereby forcing myself into a state of perpetual procrastination, the pain of meaning well, and hurting others in the path to try and heal people.. it does not feel good yet it seems people think I get joy out of it
I realize.. when people misunderstand me, misunderstand my rants or even on the fly statements, on the internet or real life.. if I start using more words, and more complex or abstract words it does NOT make you easier to understand.. it makes it harder for people sometimes.. being louder and more passionate and more detailed.. these things can be nuanced and just cause more problems, people just default to seeing rage, and associate rage with stupidity, which is understandable yet undesirable
People cannot read my mind, they do not know I assume they know what I know, i assume all people are intelligent to a degree, that I do not hate or discriminate any kind of person, they see my rage and assume I hate everyone and everything, where it is the complete opposite.. people cannot read my mind, they don't know I think highly of strangers and consider anyone I talk to a "friend", I speak too freely and get myself in trouble, I panic and defend myself sometimes, Ironically people saying normal statements come across as an attack to me.. i don't ever purposefully participate in hypocrisy
and god forbid, like me, you attempt to do all these things at once, having a loud passionate rant, using unnecessary words and complex theories to try and explain a simple feeling, accidently being a hypocrite, all while spewing a paragraph to a complete stranger, and despite wanting to express it, I do not relate to or seem to understand certain feelings or simple straight forward feelings, things either work, or they don't, and when something says "I work, I work like this" and then it doesn't work.. its a spiral
Even in the past, conversations and disputes, "losing" debates where I was objectively correct, and I mean socially losing because I accidently used an insult too soon, or showed I was angry, and by insulting someone I declare a loss? because I shake when I upset I lose? I'm not discussing bullying right now, but it will always exist because it is apart of the social game. Even I have bullied in an attempt to be like others.
its like the pain of having a wifi connection that -kinda- works, and the 'movie' freezes.. but you keep trying.. wait to buffer.. freeze again etc..
yet if there is no wifi.. a book or a painting is an easy task. at least for me personally..
I have been criticized and taunted and bullied into following rules my whole life any time i am different, yet when I try and get others, be like others, in this system, like people who make and accept the rules, it makes me wish they would to do as they do and not just as they say, its like I am the crazy one no matter which way I function, whether that be with or against the current
Government and bureaucracy (I hate spelling that word T_T ) ... easy to criticize these concepts as they function in reality, but on paper, if things really work both ways in the sense that between entity and individual things are always fair and spoken for, then life in this "Late neo capitalist nightmare", even communism on paper works, or would work or could be better.. I dunno, maybe it is just human error.. or maybe nature has a way
I find it hard to accept that "things do be how they are"
I don't think "regular capitalism" is bad per say, ex; two people make chairs, one person makes higher quality chairs, and one person makes lower quality chairs, they compete in prices and quality, contention is natural, and its good for the consumer to have choices, there is a reason competing brands are often across the road from one another, not across town. (think fast food chains all huddled up) its not a coincidence (can look up the ice cream stall on the beach dilemma for similar phenomena)
Advertisement.. truly one of the poisons that is connected to every issue I swear I have ever complained about..
Anyway, despite appearances, and my past, or my future, i don't actually smoke meth or and amphetes.. I do have a heavy past with EVERY drug. I have travelled many places, been many people, lived amongst many subcultures, from farm to city, analog to digital, I've done a lot, but I don't party or do drugs anymore, I live with my partner and build my life alone, a ways away from strangers theses days
I honestly thought -everyone- did things to the same extreme degree I have, everyone had extreme views, extreme trauma, and extreme attitudes they were just masking, but maybe I am just a little extreme at times.. sex workers.. drugs.. parties.. fast cars.. i thought that shit was NORMAL.. I don't know what normal is.. imitating others lead to a wild life
I am NOT mentally ill... I'm just Autistic.. I don't think that means I "need" to see a therapist anymore.. already done that. Everytime I am frustrated by something that is objectively and subjectively frustrating.. and well it is frustrating, years ago I was mis-diagnosed with BPD, it ruined my life and only added to my "meth head" behavior, I done healed my brain, I done my rounds in therapy and with doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and meds, been in and out of mental wards, arrested, convicted, you name it, I've done it. doesn't mean I'm proud of it just because I am proud of who I am now
I do not want to brag. or be a victim. or come across as a crazy. none of this is for attention, i actively hide from attention, I literally cannot avoid it, but I also still have thoughts worth sharing, all people do
I just want to share my thoughts and experiences in a passionate and honest way, to help others, I know people like me are out there.. not even just people who are like me, but anyone and literally everyone.. so sick of groups that "accept everyone" when they reaally mean "Accept everyone who is exactly like us".. social scripts and other forms of what I call "Toxic Positivity" which to me, is worse than just being toxic half the time
it doesn't bother me if no one ever reads this, or anything I write, I have novels of notes I don't know what to do with, either way, I appreciate you, I appreciate your time, even if you are here just to read the rants of a crazy, then well.. I love you for simply existing.
I know you are out there, and everything.. -something- just doesn't feel "right", you know?

My entire life I have been my mother’s disappointment. Nothing I have ever done was good enough for her. lol my life I have chanced her approval and for her to say good job baby or something along those lines. But by my sophomore year of high school I finally realized I would never get it so I quit trying. I finally realized I was the SEVERLY unwanted child. She treated my siblings so much better than me. The one sibling that’s a year older than me got away with anything. But when I did it I would be hit in some manner or punished in some way. My father was always the parent that loved me unconditionally and without prejudice. No matter what. But my mother hated me. Hated who I was as a person. And for nearly 16 years I tried to force myself to be someone I wasn’t. For example I had to have basically waist length hair that had to be either straighted, curled or done in anyway like braids or other hair styles. And I always had to have make up on or I wasn’t allowed to leave the house with her. But my other sibling didn’t have to. And I had to be dressed to the nines.

 And when I finally had enough I moved out of her house. Cut my hair into a “man’s hair cut”. That pissed her off so badly. But I honestly did it because that’s how I wanted my hair. Short. I HATED having long hair. And always having to do something with it. Never being able to just brush it and leave it be. And I have a skin condition that isn’t contagious or anything. But she absolutely hates it and tells me I look disgusting because all the damn medicine she made me take and rub on my skin wasn’t working like she wanted too. I mean what 16 year old girl wanted to smell like medicated head and shoulders. And I refused to take meds that would damage my kidneys(there’s a family history of severe kidney problems in my birth line I’m adopted) I didn’t wanna risk it. But that made her angry. And my father promised to get me my first tattoo. To keep my mother somewhat calm I chose to wait until I graduated to get it because I wanted it on my fourarm. Which she hit me over that even tho I was 18. And she couldn’t stand the fact my “man hair cut” was now blue. And it’s been an unnatural color since. Being 8 years now. I’m so fucking feed up. And her latest stunt was ruining my child party. Oh and that’s another thing. I got pregnant at 19. But had my child at 20. Our birthdays are 6 months apart. Got pregnant in August turned 20 in October. She hates the fact I got pregnant and chose to keep my little bundle of chaos. But honestly out of only three things I’ve done right in my life. He is number one. The second is my “viscous pit bulls” (one is 8 years old and the other is 4 months old((she still doesn’t know about the 4 month old one tho)). And the third is my husband(not my child’s biological father) but I love him endlessly. I just wish my mother was more like my father. And would let me just be me. She can’t say oh it’s how I was raised. That’s bullshit my daddy was only 4 years younger than you he was able to love me for me. Why can’t she understand I’m not gonna be a little marching soldier for her to parade around town. I wanna be myself. I wanna be me. Not just a different hair color version of herself. I wish my dad was still alive. I miss him so much 

I 21F, live with my mother, 2 sisters and 1 brother. My sister M22 has a friend K22 who lives with us. They have known each other since 6th grade and have been connected at the hip since then. In the beginning I did not like her at all, she was very annoying, and things had to be done her way. She also can't take 'no' for an answer. Over the years I've learned to tolerate her a little bit but now she has pushed me over the edge.
K just moved out of the house her, and her dad lived in because their lease ended. They moved in with her dad's friend G and they will live their until they find another house to rent. My mom and sister came up with the idea to make my brothers old room into a bedroom for her so she could stay whenever she didn't want to be at her house. Which is very nice and a lot of people wouldn't do that. My mother and sister didn't ask anyone if that would be alright, which I know it is my mother's house, but nobody told me that, that was the plan. I also still can't stand her at all. Mind: she goes home for 1 day and then comes right back and will stay for a few weeks straight.
I have always had issues with K because she is always here, in our business and just won't stop. When she is over (which is everyday at this point) she has to do HER stuff and I can't do mine. I clean the house, because I don't work rn so I clean the house daily and do a deep clean to 1. keep up with the daily chores and 2. just because I'm living here rent free and it's the bare minimun. While I clean I love listening to music, as of rn I've been listening to Christmas music because it's my favorite time of year and it just makes me feel better so I've been listening to it a lot recently to try and distract myself from everything that is going on in my life. I got an Alexa and I listen to music on that, it's never above level 5 volume, it's just background noise. K will come in whatever room and turn it off, I told her not too and she said she doesn't want to listen to it, and I told her that it's my Alexa don't mess with it and if she doesn't like it listen to her own music with her airpods or go into a different room, or I can put my music back on and just change the station and she said to change the station. I changed to Pop music and I was in the middle of sweeping in the other room and it turned off, I went into the room where my Alexa was and checked to see what happened and saw that it was unplugged. K was in the room right next to it and I asked her what happened, she said that she unplugged it because she was tired of it. I told her "I asked you not to touch it" she said it doesn't matter and that she doesn't want to listen to my music.
I have airpods but I can't find them rn, so I can't listen to music on my phone without it being outloud. She continues to turn off my music no matter what I am doing, and it pisses me off. This isn't the only thing she does though.
K also can't take 'no' for an answer, she will beg you until you get so pissed off that you give in just so she will shut her big mouth. I bought my own groceries this past few weeks using my birthday money and in our house we have a rule: if you buy it , it's yours just let other people know that it is yours. We have stickers that we put on tupperware and other food items if a certain person bought it and doesn't want others in it. I placed these stickers on everything I bought and I let the others know that I bought stuff at the store and that I put the stickers on it and to please not touch it. K came into the living room the other day and asked if this pack of lunch meat was mine eventhough the stick on the very front where you can't miss it has my name on it and "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH" written. I told her yes that it was mine and she asked if she could have it and I said 'no' there's lunch meat outside that she can have. She rolled her eyes and put it back in the fridge. I went to my room for a little bit after that and I got hungry and went to make my lunch and in the fridge was my open container of lunch meat that I told her not to touch, I just got that at the store and haven't opened it yet. My sister and K were in the living room with empty plates next to them and I asked them why my lunch meat was open, and K said that they were hungry and made sandwiches. With the lunch meat I bought. I asked them why after I told her not to eat it and just not touch it because it was mine and her excuse was, I like turkey and your mom bought ham, so I used yours instead because I like it better. My sister then said, "it's not a big deal, it's just a few slices of lunch meat it's fine" It is a big deal to me because they overstepped a boundary again.
Another thing that happened just yesterday, I was making cookies and I have learned to not bake the whole batch while K is over, she will eat the entire thing before anyone else gets to have one. So I made 6 cookies and while I was making them she had to be in the kitchen and ask a million questions, “what are you making” “what kind of cookies are you making” “when will they be done” “how long do they have to bake” etc. When I bake and cook I have to be the only one in the kitchen because I will get very overwhelmed. The kitchen is small and having more than 1 person in there at a time is exhausting. K had to be right on top of me while I was doing it, I wasn’t teaching her anything so there was no reason for her to be over my shoulder the entire time. When I finished the dough I had to keep it in the fridge overnight and she got upset because she wanted a cookie now. Which I understand because I love cookies too but there is no reason to get upset over having to wait 14 hrs for cookie dough to chill in the fridge.
Today I finally baked them and she freaked out because I was baking them finally and she really wanted one. She was confused as to why I only make 6 cookies instead of the whole batch which makes 36 cookies. I just told her that I’m just making enough for everyone to have 1 rn. My real reason is because every time she is over and we have anything I baked it will be gone in a few hours. The other day a family friend that I bake with often made ME brownies and yes she said that they were for me mainly but to share. I didn’t even get 1 bite of a brownie because K ate most and when I asked where they went they said they were gone and I asked who ate them K sad she had the last one. I told her that I didn’t get one and our friend made them mainly for me and she said “snooze you loose”
I finished making the cookies and I went to my room to let them cool, while in my room K texted me and asked “will u hurt me if I have a cookie?” I responded “no, u can have 1 cookie only, there are 6. That’s 1 for everyone, so only eat 1 cookie” she left me on read. I came back out about 30 minutes later to put them in a Tupperware and they were gone! Completely gone 6 cookies gone in 30 minutes. I asked my sister and K where they went and they were eating a cookie as I walked in the living room. I asked how many cookies they had and they looked at each other and smiled trying to contain their laughter. I knew in that moment that they ate all 6 cookies and had no shame. I asked her about the text message and whether or not she comphrend it or if it just went right over her head. She said they were really good and wanted another. Idc if she wanted another she couldn’t take my answer, I set a boundary with her again and she overstepped again. My sister and K laughed because I got upset about 6 cookies but I’m not upset about the cookies. I’m upset because the boundaries I set have been violated again and again and Idk what to do about it. I decided to keep my mouth shut because I 100% believe in if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” I that moment there was nothing nice to say. As I walked out, K said you can make more cookies now, use the rest of the dough” I just walked back to my room and stayed there until my mom came home.
When my mom came home I told her about what happened and I asked her if K could leave and she said no because our house is her house and she needs to feel welcomed here. My mom and I got into a small argument about that because I brought up that her saying that made me feel like my mom doesn’t care about my feelings when it comes to this. K is overstepping my boundaries and M is letting her and helping her do so and nothing is being done about it I just have to take it and my mom told me that I’m blowing all out of proportion and to relax and forget about it.
I’m not going to forget about it, I’m going to remember this 10 years down the line when you want to come back into my life after I go no contact with all of them. I rarely feel safe in the house and I just want my own space. I don’t have a job so I don’t have an income to start saving up and move out. I just want K to leave, I haven’t had a break since she started living here.
AITAH?

Hey so I thought I'd meet people from my own country. I'm from India. Where is everyone from? It would be awesome to meet some people from my country and maybe get to know them. If you're from Asia, let's be friends.
Also I'm gonna type some lyrics from Tame Impala to make the post more than 200 characters...
Someone said they left together I ran out the door to get her She was holding hands with Trevor Not the greatest feeling ever Said, "Pull yourself together You should try your luck with Heather" Then I heard they slept together Oh, the less I know the better The less I know the better Oh my love, can't you see yourself by my side? No surprise when you're on his shoulder like every night Oh my love, can't you see that you're on my mind? Don't suppose we could convince your lover to change his mind Welcome to Gboard clipboard, any text that you copy will be saved here. So goodbye...