Can high blood pressure cause my entire body to hurt?

Hey guys, Im just getting my pressure washing business going and I think I need a good website to stand out. I came across someone that is doing really high quality websites for $99 bucks a month where they design and host the site, and its fully managed so they can do my changes. Is that a good deal you think?

A gift from my daughter as I was gearing up for a work trip to Asia is what I can only describe as a bronchitis level illness. My chest burns, my nose is a sewer, and I'm making coughing sounds that will clear an arena. I'm currently on a layover pounding as much airport lounge tea as I can handle, but have dinner with the president of the company I'm working with not even 1 hour after I check in to my hotel tonight. What in the actual hell am I doing. How did I think this was a good idea. I'm bitter at my organization for making me do this trip last minute, but in reality I can't be because the job is cool and fun and challenging and I'm just looking for an outlet.
I feel like today is a lose-lose situation where I attend this working dinner and make folks uncomfortable with my coughing, or cancel last minute and look like a jerk and potentially miss out on having big impact for some negotiations. There is no winning. I'm so tired and my body just hurts, man.
Thanks for reading my rant 🫠

I think we have all had these people involved in collaboration at one point or another...
You know the type, you bring them on board only to start regretting the decision because they find ways to dig their heels in over tiny things, then slowly start assimilating themselves into the directors chair and try to take over everything and slow everything down to a crawl.
I was finding myself to be a pretty decent low budget filmmaker. I know every production is different and every crew works a different way. I was big on not over planning my movies. I knew that what was in my head was unlikely to be what appeared on screen with the limited resources I had, so I would arrive on the day and adapt. I liked a fast paced environment, ideas were always welcome and I wouldn't be too precious over production issues. Working at such a low budget, or sometimes no budget at all, I understood that I would rather shoot the scene how I could and make the most out of it rather than be bitter about it not being perfect. It was freeing, it was fun to be creative in working around issues etc.
My short films were garnering some interest and local actors and crew were wanting to work with me when I was trying to set up a project.
I had worked hard on getting my first low budget feature film into pre-production and it looked like it was about to start shooting in the next couple of months (this was in 2016).
...and then I brought in the cinematographer...
The DP was a good friend of mine. We had met through the local film scene and followed each others work, but never actually collaborated. I thought it would be a good idea to delegate DP duties and we could both embark on feature films together.
He had worked on bigger productions before, bigger than what I had worked on though not as a DP.
It was apparent very quickly that he was unwilling to just adapt to the smaller scale of my production and was pressuring for more and more.
What started as me hoping somebody with DP experience would be able to come in and improve the visual elements of the films through sheer experience and resourcefulness and understanding, was very far from the truth.
Very quickly, he was insisting I spend a good amount of the budget on renting better high end cameras, better and more extensive lighting and wished on me bringing in additional crew to assist him with the DP duties. I was not opposed to this, and figured as a cinematographer it would be a worthwhile investment to the project. Then of course came insurance for that gear and suddenly my very low budget was already starting to dry up if I proceeded.
I figured if we are going from making a cheap local indie feature into something more professional looking, maybe we should try to utilise the gear we had to try and film a couple of things to raise interest and potentially gain some more investment via crowdfunding, so we took some scenes and shot them. They looked alright. Better than what I had been doing on my own anyways...
It was apparent during the shooting though, that he wasn't just focusing on cinematography. He was overruling some of my decisions with actors, trying to change locations and entire conversations. At one stage when I was elsewhere, likely catching a smoke or toilet break, I came back to see him talking the actors through a few things, and when I was trying to get him to adapt what he had in his head to what was actually possible to shoot, he was getting a bit preachy and huffy about not getting his own way.
All things considered, the shoot turned out ok in the end. After I edited it and carried out some detailed sound design, it was actually pretty decent.
The cinematographer then started sending me messages questioning the casting of certain people, and started suggesting alternative actors. He would also start questioning the tiniest bits of dialogue with a sort of 'know it all' attitude, wishing to change locations of certain scenes (for example, from a bar to an office). He obviously had plans in his head to make 'this scene look like the scene from X movie or Y TV series'. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to film ideas he wanted to visually do, and not actually shoot the script the way I was asking him to shoot.
This progressed into him requesting more gear, because he had ideas. I just didn't have the money for this, but he was digging his heels in again and again over everything including directing decisions, writing, casting.
Film is a collaborative effort, but I had brought in somebody who was taking over the production and any time you had to move him back into his station he would give you the 'trust me, I worked on this and this...I know best' mentality. Production was slowing to an absolute CRAWL because he would just constantly bombard you with expectations and challenge everything, and when things finally got started would take forever reviewing a shot and lighting before he was happy to shoot. I am not against quality control, but this isn't Hollywood, we didnt have the time, money or resources to be this strict about the craft. We had to be in and out of locations within a certain timeframe and he was just too unwilling to meet me in the middle between what he considered his level and my level, it was his way or nothing.
The guy had clearly wanted to work with me, so it confuses me as to how the guy who apparently liked my work and style just wanted to entire project to fit what he thought was best, and my role as the director was requiring the inevitable where I was going to have to kick him off the production because we weren't moving any further forward with his elitist attitude towards the project.
The project eventually folded and never returned. It was what it was. If I had kicked him sooner or even shot it myself, it probably would have been completed. Maybe not to a super high standard, but I wasn't looking for a BAFTA, I just wanted to shoot my first feature script with the money I saved for it, but the budget was drained and the project had been at a standstill for too long directly because of this cinematographer that was constantly throwing spanners and changes into the works.
I thought it was me and I just couldn't handle a production. But as time went on, I worked with others and projects all came together nicely, I had good working relationships with crew and cinematographers. I may have been less experienced, but he certainly damaged the production.
Years later, we are still friends and we do still share ideas with one another.
But I have noticed every single time we initiate the possibility of collaboration, the professional side of him flares up and it becomes the controlling production knowledge it all demon that I experienced back in 2016 all over again. Anything I've ever sought to make without him, gets made. Every time we try to work together, it never gets made for all of the same reasons initially.

I’m sure this will be downvoted, but I’ve made peace with this topic after years of not believing my own words.
The only reason it’s hard is it’s not intuitive to the mind or human instinct. There is no engrained human instinct to sing a C5 like Pavarotti, but there is a strong human instinct to know how to belt, which is an ingrained human emotion. When we belt, we vocalize strongly in a higher pitch range, while the larynx also rises slightly in order to allow the vowel to stay an open AHHHHH sound.
They say if you can explain something to a child you truly understand something. I’ve studied the voice an unhealthy amount for many years physiologically, emotionally, anatomically, psychologically, technically. I’ve ruined my voice and breathing in 5,000 ways to have learned so much. In simplest terms, all opera singing is is singing a 2 octave range with the larynx completely in the same position, as Pavarotti said, from a “position of rest”. That’s also why for hundreds of years the Italians taught “you sing like you speak”. Of course some people speak unhealthy with a strained and or high larynx.
Learning opera is the art of learning to train the mind to understand the body and understand what your voice sounds like when speaking from a position of rest, and painstakingly applying that kinesthetic knowledge to 2 octaves. The voice has to be trained physically as well to be able to stretch to 2 octaves while keeping the larynx still. Muscular,stabilized, but not stiff nor raised. If it feels you sing on or from the throat, you are not in the position of rest. And you don’t get into that position by trying to yawn. All that does is pull the tongue back into the throat, which blocks the sound from escaping.
No one said the simplest technique is the easiest to learn. But, like Pavarotti said, when you truly understand your voice, it is easier than other styles. Because all it really is is learning to vocalize without techniques. Because the throat does not move, the vowels do not stay open like in a belt because the length of the throat changes what vowels can occur on what pitches. The vowel automatically opens and closes back and forth through the range if the throat stays in a position of rest, and this happens without modifying or trying to change the vowel or anything with the throat. And that is why opera sounds the way it does. It’s also why when done correctly it sounds so easy yet big and powerful. It’s really that simple. It’s a very humble and simple approach. It can take years to even believe in it being that simple because at the end of the day, truth is often more elusive and stranger than fiction. If you looked at Pavarotti’s throat with a camera while singing, you would see the pulse of the vibrato, and basically nothing else.
https://youtu.be/Y9268sIt5mk?si=PU5uY15QJUaj841T

I made this killer to be like the Wolf (aka Death) from Puss in Boots: The Last Wish. I did my best to mimic the Wolf, and also used some ideas from the Doctor and other killers.
Death - The Wolf
“Death comes for us all.” Death is the ultimate end for all mortals. But there has been a group of people who kept getting revived again and again by the arrogant Entity. Fed up with this lack of value for life and death, the Wolf enters the Entity’s realm. There, he finds the people locked in an endless cycle of being hunted, killed, and revived. Now, Death is upon them. Not metaphorically, or rhetorically, or poetically, or theoretically, or any other fancy way. This is death. Straight. Up.
Now, he will claim them. But after he has some fun and teach everyone to fear him.
Weapon: Sickles
Movement Speed: 115%/ 4.6 m/s
Terror Radius: 40m
Height: Tall

Special Ability: Death Whistle
The Wolf can whistle its tune which will inflict Fear status effect to all survivors in a 32 meter radius. The wolf can choose to play up to two verses of the tune consecutively to give one tier of Fear per verse. The wolf cannot move during each 10 second verse.

Special Affliction: Fear
“I just love the smell of fear!”
A tier for Fear is given when the survivor is caught in a verse of the whistle or struck by the wolf’s blade. Fear can only be removed by either being hung or by the special interaction: Therapy
Tier I: Upon receiving this affliction, Survivor’s aura will be visible for 15 seconds. Skill checks have a 33% of being madness skill checks. Will always hear heartbeat.
Tier II: Upon receiving this affliction, Survivor’s aura will be visible for 20 seconds. Skill checks have a 66% of being madness skill checks. Will always hear heartbeat. Occasionally, a picture of their life will flash in vision.
Tier III: Survivor enters Panic Attack state for 30 seconds. During this time, survivor will be locked in a running state in first person view, always hear the heartbeat, have aura visible for the full duration, and have several hallucinations of Illusionary Wolves. Survivor is unable to use items, fix generators, or interact with items other than windows and pallets. At the end of the 30 seconds, Panic Attack ends and Survivor returns to Tier II Fear.

Special Interaction: Therapy
When a survivor has at least one tier of Fear, another survivor can treat that survivor to reduce the fear by one tier.

Special Locomotion: Dash
The Wolf bounds 10 meters. It can only be used once, and the cooldown is 10 seconds.

Perks
Death Counter: Each time a survivor dies, a token is added on.
· Ability cooldowns have a stackable 10%/20%/30% decrease
· Reduces time to vault Window to 1.48/1.275/1.07 seconds
· Increases lunge range by setting attack open time to 0.6/0.7/0.8 seconds

Pick. It. Up.: When a survivor is reviving a down survivor, it starts with a difficult skill check. Failure will cause down survivor to scream giving away location.

Bien! Muy bien!: Whenever the killer is struck with a pallet, for 10 seconds, movement speed is increased by 20% and a strike will be an instant down.
Add-On
Hood & Cloak: When the Wolf looks down, he has the Undetectable effect. The Wolf can move, but looking down obviously means limited vision.

Knuckle Duster: It takes just 1 second to break pallet or damage gens. The Wolf cannot lunge.
Sweet Release: Denying the Entity its food, the Wolf shall claim what’s his. The Wolf will not hook survivors. Instead, he will Mori the survivor if that survivor was inflicted with a Tier III Fear at some point. Mori will grant 2500 blood points.

Mori: Last Fight
When survivor is within 14 feet in front of the Wolf, the Wolf strikes up walls of fire that surrounds the survivor before delivering the final strike.

I’m 17 (f), 18 in June. My dad got a new job that’s a 16 hour drive from where I currently live (the US). But I really don’t want to leave, I know most people wouldn’t but I want to at least spend the summer with my friends, but my family is leaving June 13.
My mother is extremely emotionally abusive and has been my entire life. To sum it up, she has influenced panic attacks on me on multiple occasions, only to belittle me and scold me for it (new flash that makes it worse). I also have major depressive disorder, and my therapist has advised me to stay with a friend over the summer bc it would really help my mental health to get away from her. My dad is even on board with it, but my mom is keeping her title as helicopter parent and is not allowing me to stay even for a week.
My girlfriend (17F) has offered to let me stay with her and her family over summer, and I practically live with them anyway.
Should be allowed to stay? And if so, how can I take advantage of being 18 to let me stay? Ive been recommended emancipation by a few people and trusted adults, but I don’t think that’s the right move. I resent my mother for traumatizing me but I don’t want to appear in front of her in court. In a perfect world they would divorce, but that’s not the case.
I have a great support system and the best friends I could ask for. I even scored a payed internship with the head of the mycology department at my local state university, which my mother did not care about and will not let me stay the summer for it. I’m at a loss of what to do and I really need help soon on how to convince her. I had her meet my girlfriend’s parents and spend time with them. I have stayed out of trouble and kept my grades up. I have been helping her pack the house.
I just wanna to spend some time with my friends before i leave. They are the only thing in my life keeping me going, i love them so much. And my girlfriend is perfect and I can’t leave her. We were gonna go to the same state school for college and we had everything planned before the move was abruptly placed on us in Feb. I don’t have the time to spend with my friends because it’s my junior year and i have been working so hard nonstop.
My friends parents said they would do whatever they can to help, and also support me wanting to stay the summer. It hurts to see all these parents agree with me when my own mother wont listen to me. Please I’ll take any advice.

Hello! I'm a diamond 5 Tracer player and I'm looking for some pretty specific matchup feedback. For a while, I've felt like I've been struggling to get value when pressuring Lifeweaver backlines. On paper, I feel like this matchup should be super good for me, so I think I'm missing something.
If I'm pressuring an Ana or a Bap, I can get value by forcing their cooldowns or distracting them so that they are unable to heal their team. Against Lifeweaver, though, none of his cooldowns are used proactively. If I force nade or lamp, I know that I'm creating an advantage for my team since those cooldowns won't be used against them. But forcing petal platform? Rejuvenating dash? Life grip? It feels like if I'm not able to actually get the kill, I'm just totally wasting my time. And this is compounded by the fact that Lifeweaver's healing can go over and around cover, so sometimes he's just fully able to keep healing his team the entire time that I'm pressuring him.
Am I thinking about this the wrong way? Should I be on a different target? Do I just need better mechanics? Also, if you notice other things I can work on, feedback would be greatly appreciated!
Replay code: 52Q932. I think the best example in this VOD is from 6:50 to 8:15, where two entire fights went by and I didn't really do anything at all.
Rank: Diamond 5
Hero: Tracer
Name: Moo
Map: Shambali
Platform: Console

I end each with a note to the person who actually reads the email since the President and Vice President don’t read them. But still, because of everything happening in USA, I just can’t contain my despair and use it to flood inboxes (and probably soon their paper mailbox with postcards). I always mention the genocide being funded and supplied but I also rant about cop cities, the police force in general, Black Live Matter, Missing Murdered Indigenous People, only having geriatric candidates for president in the “two-party” system, trans rights, school shootings, the housing crisis, and other such issues that we should be past by now.
I don’t have many people in my life I can talk about these issues with and some are actively on the other side calling for death to protesters or hoping for the second coming of Jesus instead of wanting to be part of the solution to the pain of fellow human beings. No one knows I have a reddit, I just needed to share this hobby of mine. I know emailing the White House is like shouting into the void. Clearly politicians are not interested in hearing from their constituents unless it already aligns with their own policies (and sometimes their own beliefs). I just really hate it here. How can people be in favor of hurting others? How can that number be so high?
If you read this, thanks. Just wanted to try posting for the first time. Hope everyone is having a better day than me <3

I’m 17 (f), 18 in June. My dad got a new job that’s a 16 hour drive from where I currently live (the US). But I really don’t want to leave, I know most people wouldn’t but I want to at least spend the summer with my friends, but my family is leaving June 13.
My mother is extremely emotionally abusive and has been my entire life. To sum it up, she has influenced panic attacks on me on multiple occasions, only to belittle me and scold me for it (new flash that makes it worse). I also have major depressive disorder, and my therapist has advised me to stay with a friend over the summer bc it would really help my mental health to get away from her. My dad is even on board with it, but my mom is keeping her title as helicopter parent and is not allowing me to stay even for a week.
My girlfriend (17F) has offered to let me stay with her and her family over summer, and I practically live with them anyway.
Should be allowed to stay? And if so, how can I take advantage of being 18 to let me stay? Ive been recommended emancipation by a few people and trusted adults, but I don’t think that’s the right move. I resent my mother for traumatizing me but I don’t want to appear in front of her in court. In a perfect world they would divorce, but that’s not the case.
I have a great support system and the best friends I could ask for. I even scored a payed internship with the head of the mycology department at my local state university, which my mother did not care about and will not let me stay the summer for it. I’m at a loss of what to do and I really need help soon on how to convince her. I had her meet my girlfriend’s parents and spend time with them. I have stayed out of trouble and kept my grades up. I have been helping her pack the house.
I just wanna to spend some time with my friends before i leave. They are the only thing in my life keeping me going, i love them so much. And my girlfriend is perfect and I can’t leave her. We were gonna go to the same state school for college and we had everything planned before the move was abruptly placed on us in Feb. I don’t have the time to spend with my friends because it’s my junior year and i have been working so hard nonstop.
My friends parents said they would do whatever they can to help, and also support me wanting to stay the summer. It hurts to see all these parents agree with me when my own mother wont listen to me. Please I’ll take any advice.

I am a 16 year old girl and my brother is 27 years old. Growing up, it was mainly just me and my brother. My dad left shortly after I was born and my mom wasn’t around much. I know that my brother took all of the work to make sure that I was healthy and happy, and I can’t thank him enough for what he has done for me. He got a job at 15 to provide for us both while my mom was off doing God knows what. I was around 9 years old when my brother left for college at the age of 20. I remember he promised me that he would always come every weekend to check up on me and give me groceries for the week. For the first two years he kept true to his word. He would come by with food and hang out with me. I was lonely and sad without him, but I managed as best as I could for a child. It wasn’t until he met his girlfriend (now wife) that he changed. He stopped coming over as often, leaving me going hungry. I would text him, asking when he’d be back, and he would give me vague answers. I remember for two weeks I could only eat plan turkey sandwiches because that’s all I had to eat. Those vague answers soon turned into no answers. He would also make promises to me that he wouldn’t keep (e.g. buying me more food, clothes, money, etc.) I think I was around 12 or 13 when he stopped coming by entirely. He would no longer answer my texts and I would get no information about his life. He even had a kid when I was 14 that I didn’t even know about until a few days ago when he messaged me. I had honestly given up in ever contacting him again because it had been years since we last talked. He says that he wants to make up for lost time and that he misses me. I honestly felt so mad in that moment that I wanted to block him, but I didn’t. I instead agreed to meet with him. We met a few days later at the park we grew up nearby. He was there with his wife and son. When he saw me he got teary eyed and tried to hug me, but I pushed him away and told him I don’t like hugs anymore. He seemed hurt and that made me just the slightest bit happy. He started talking about what life was like in and after college and what he’s doing now. He said that now that I’m older he wants to be able to do more stuff with me that he missed out on. To put it bluntly, I went crazy on him. Here is a gist of what I said: “I’ve missed you a lot. I remember always turning on my phone to see if you had even responded to even one of my countless messages. For years I heard not one word out of you. I went hungry and dirty because you were no longer around. I get that you had to live your own life, but I didn’t know it included kicking me out of it. I was basically an orphan because Mom was never around. I was 13 when my period started and I didn’t have any money to buy what I needed. And why do you think that my texts randomly stopped one day? It’s because I have up on you. I gave up on you ever being able to care about me like you used to. Because of you I can’t trust people and what they promise me because I’m afraid they will leave me like you did. So I don’t care if you want to make up for lost time, and I don’t think you can because it’s your fault.” By the end of my rant he was crying and his wife was giving me the death stare. He started apologizing and saying that he didn’t know that was how I felt. I called BS because there is no way he never saw any of those texts I sent. After that I left and sobbed when I got home. I love my brother, I really do, but I don’t think it’s fair for him to try and come back like nothing happened.

Song Lyrics I connect to
I listen to a LOT of music, so I’ll just go with some I really connect to
All the lyrics from Fire Drill by Melanie Martinez but I’ll pick a few
“Crying inside cause nothing I say ever comes out right” -Fire Drill
“I’ve never fit into any category Always deemed an outcast” -Fire Drill
“I’m bad at public speaking But I’m speaking now so hear me out I personally believe that everyone is fully capable of more than what they’re doing All of the bullying All of the messing around with people they don’t really know” -Fire Drill
“I am not apart of anything that is hateful Love is seeping out my pores, I don’t feel anger anymore, even for people who hurt and betray me” -Fire Drill
“I’m just another teenage tragedy And life keeps draining my batteries” -Teenage Tragedy- Rory Webley
“You don’t want to know me, I will just let you down” -Castles Crumbling- Taylor Swift
“Now they’re screaming that they hate me Never wanted you to hate me” -Castles Crumbling
“I’ve got a smile cut into my cheeks I hide things when I speak Looks like I mean it I guess I’m a joker My hairs burnt from the bleach I hope you like what you see Need you like me I guess I’m the joker Why so serious?” -Joker, Rory Webley
“The thoughts in my brain, I’m going insane I’m somebody Arkham Asylum could never contain” -Joker
“Seems kind of dumb to worry bout good grades when this generation’s dealing with its own black plague”—Everybody Dies, Rory Webley
“It’s kinda sad to watch your superheroes fall from grace”- Everybody Dies- Rory Webley
“Feels like I’m dead before I’m even in the casket” -Everybody Dies
“Telling me that the end’s getting closer While I’m sitting on my phone scrolling TikTok turning my brain into a toaster” -Everybody Dies
“Your heart’s too big for your body That’s why it won’t fit inside You pore it out where everyone can see” -Crybaby, Melanie Martinez
“So what if I’m crazy, all the best people are”—Mad Hatter, Melanie Martinez
“You and I’ll be safe and sound” -Taylor Swift, Safe and Sound
“Why do I always spill? Feel it coming out my throat Guess I better wash my mouth out with soap” -Soap, Melanie Martinez
“Why’d I put my heart on every cursive letter?” -Melanie Martinez, Pity Party
“Why not me?” -Washing Machine Heart, Mitski
“What was I made for?” -What was I made for- Billie Eilish
“Loving you was lethal, guess that makes me evil” -EVIL, Melanie Martinez
“If you bite my hand again I will never feed you” -Melanie Martinez, EVIL
“I like shiny things but I’d marry you with paper rings You’re the one I want And I hate accidents Except when we went from friends to this”-Paper Rings, Taylor Swift
“I see things that nobody else sees”- Dollhouse, Melanie Martinez
“I’ll try not to starve myself Just because you’re mad at me” -Tv- Billie Eilish
“It’s you that I lie with As the atom bomb locks in”—As The World Caves In- Matt Maltese
“I’m not cool and I’m not smart and I can’t even parallel park 🤪” -brutal- Olivia Rodrigo
“Who is in control?” -Control, Halsey
“Go on and step on me” -Step On Me- The Cardigans
“You’re perfectly imperfect, You’re hurting but you’re worth it You don’t know why I would waste my time But I’m falling and I mean it I want you like I need it There’s nothing you could try to change my mind Cause I’m In Love With You” -Perfectly Imperfect, Declan J Donavan
“Your body is imperfectly imperfect Everyone wants what the other one’s working” -Orange Juice, Melanie Martinez
“My heart just burst like the glass balloon I let it fly too high and it shattered to soon” -MARINA, Hermit The Frog
“I’ve been chosen last since the kindergarten” -Chosen Last, Sara Kays
“I’m so sick of myself” -jealousy jealousy- Olivia Rodrigo
“The world will feel the fire and finally know” -The World Will Know- Newsies
“Just an appendage live to attend him so that he never lifts a finger” -labour- Paris Paloma
“Im more than my body” -Body, Jordan Suaste

So I have had 3 seizures before. Over the course of 8 or so years. After the second one I started taking lamictal but the doctor was trying to switch me to something else, so we cut my lamictal dosage and half and I was supposed to be starting the other one. I don’t remember exactly what happened and yes maybe I am an idiot for not doing it right and I do feel dumb about it. But I was taking a less than therapeutic dose. 200 mg a day instead of 400. And I believe I was taking the 200XR. When I had the seizure the doc immediately did a blood test and found the level of lamotrigine in my body was not a therapeutic dose. I slowly increased my dosage to 400.
So now I take 400 mg, I have been tested and there is a therapeutic dose in my blood. I have not had any seizures since I started the proper dosage.
So after the second seizure is when I started the meds and about 2 years later I had another seizure. I was very sleep deprived, was mourning, hadn’t ate properly and was playing a music festival and it happened during my set. I say these bc they all can be factors.
Anyway it has been about 10 months since my last seizure. I have been gaining weight Ever since I can remember. I started an SSRI a while back that just made me gain more. I haven’t been able to go to the gym much bc I injured my wrist, I know I could still go but I want to play basketball and climb and not just sit on a machine the whole time. I want to be better at it but I am working towards getting more exercise.
The main problem with my diet is late at night. I will eat healthy all day and then at night I just want to eat trash and sugar sugar sugar. I have found that it is super effective for me to fast bc if I stop eating at a certain time I will consume no garbage and sugar that night bc I have already stopped eating.
My neuro said that keto or being in ketosis is effective in treating seizures and I have heard fasting is a big part of keto. My concern is that I did not have proper food in my body at the time of the last seizure. I am just wondering if intermittent fasting is ok or if it would put me more at risk for having a seizure. I know ketosis can achieved by the diet and or fasting. So kind of seems confusing.
I would appreciate any helpful or positive input.
Also side note in case it matters- I am also taking pantaprozale for acid reflux and recently started vyvanse again but am not taking it every day.
TIA! ❤️

I’m 17 (f), 18 in June. My dad got a new job that’s a 16 hour drive from where I currently live (the US). But I really don’t want to leave, I know most people wouldn’t but I want to at least spend the summer with my friends, but my family is leaving June 13.
My mother is extremely emotionally abusive and has been my entire life. To sum it up, she has influenced panic attacks on me on multiple occasions, only to belittle me and scold me for it (new flash that makes it worse). I also have major depressive disorder, and my therapist has advised me to stay with a friend over the summer bc it would really help my mental health to get away from her. My dad is even on board with it, but my mom is keeping her title as helicopter parent and is not allowing me to stay even for a week.
My girlfriend (17F) has offered to let me stay with her and her family over summer, and I practically live with them anyway.
Should be allowed to stay? And if so, how can I take advantage of being 18 to let me stay? Ive been recommended emancipation by a few people and trusted adults, but I don’t think that’s the right move. I resent my mother for traumatizing me but I don’t want to appear in front of her in court. In a perfect world they would divorce, but that’s not the case.
I have a great support system and the best friends I could ask for. I even scored a payed internship with the head of the mycology department at my local state university, which my mother did not care about and will not let me stay the summer for it. I’m at a loss of what to do and I really need help soon on how to convince her. I had her meet my girlfriend’s parents and spend time with them. I have stayed out of trouble and kept my grades up. I have been helping her pack the house.
I just wanna to spend some time with my friends before i leave. They are the only thing in my life keeping me going, i love them so much. And my girlfriend is perfect and I can’t leave her. We were gonna go to the same state school for college and we had everything planned before the move was abruptly placed on us in Feb. I don’t have the time to spend with my friends because it’s my junior year and i have been working so hard nonstop.
My friends parents said they would do whatever they can to help, and also support me wanting to stay the summer. It hurts to see all these parents agree with me when my own mother wont listen to me. Please I’ll take any advice.

Intro:
Today I am reviewing what I believe to be the most disappointing Dhar Mann video of all time. It had potential, I was invested... then Dhar Mann just completely fumbled it. Expect me to get more scathing and frustrated as this review goes on.
This is also a weird twilight zone moment because Azeem, who famously salvages bad Dhar Mann videos, is one of the main contributors to what made this video awful (His character I mean, not Azeem himself).
Review:
Our story begins in the school theatre. Auditions are happening, and our titular dorky girl, Julie (Cecily Dowd), nails it. She does so well, in fact, that the heads of the drama club close up all remaining auditions for that role. That's pretty fucking mean if you ask me. Next up is our titular hot guy, Chase, a jock who hates being a jock. His audition sucks, and the coaches tell him that he's not getting the role.
What the fuck is going on here? Cutting off an audition early is one thing, but outright telling somebody they're not getting the part??? This is like the inverse problem with the tryouts for Bookside's Football team I covered last week. Between this and dismissing all people who haven't auditioned for Julie's role yet, this is super unprofessional.
Disheartened, Chase goes to the back of the theatre to sit with his unnamed narc friends (Azeem Vecchio and Nathan Ing. Knowing that it's these two good actors in this role makes this video just...). We learn that Chase knows he sucks, but he needs to get a role, otherwise his dad will make him play baseball again. We get a namedrop of Chase's bitch of a girlfriend, who blew him off to go shopping. Julie comes by and gives her condolences to Chase. Once she walks away, the narc friends make fun of her, and Chase gets a call from Bitch bitching about shopping or some bullshit. She verbally abuses him and also insists that he sticks to baseball.
Wow, a sympathetic protagonist! This is rare in Dhar Mann. Chase is a good guy, but he's manipulated by an abusive dad and a controlling girlfriend. It doesn't help that his friends suck too.
We cut to lunchtime at school the next day, and typical Dhar Mann plot contrivances occur. The male lead (the role Chase tried out for) turned down the part because he got cast on Broadway... you didn't have to go that far for an excuse Dhar Mann lmao. Oh but the contrivance gets even worse, because apparently the directors are giving Julie full power over who the male lead will be... Excuse me?
Why are the directors letting some random student decide this? This is especially contrived considering we saw how unprofessional and absolutist they were earlier... what the fuck. Anyway, narc friends pressure Chase into doing yet another bad thing: manipulating Julie into casting him by pretending to be romantically interested. This is made even worse by the fact that Julie has had a crush on Chase since they were little. That's fucked up, narc friends. They at least made Chase sympathetic enough to understand why he went along with this.
I have to give it to Chase here, because he doesn't outright ask Julie for the role or even pressure her to give it to him. He approaches her asking to help him get better. He's sincere in his compliments to her about how great her singing and acting is. He gets her number, and they arrange to hangout and practice together. So far, Chase isn't in the wrong yet.
We cut to the next day, in the theatre, where Chase is auditioning by reading a scene with Julie. Once again, I have to give a Dhar Mann video credit on something. It's annoying how his videos always repeat the message of the video word for word, but here, the message is stated in a fictional play that these are reciting. That's a bit more clever if you ask me, and MUCH more tolerable. Nevertheless, the directors are not impressed with Chase. They ask to speak with Julie in private... why? They've already been so mean to Chase right to his face, why hold back now lmao. In any case, the directors really don't like Chase, and Julie, at least for a moment, begrudgingly resolves to tell him he's not getting the part.
Julie tries to let Chase down lightly, and this is where Chase finally enters "in the wrong" territory. In a last ditch effort to keep his shot at landing this role, he lies to Julie by telling her that he likes her. Leaning on somebody who likes you to improve at something? Sure. Having them help you audition with their endorsement? Fine. Lying to them to manipulate them into nepotism? That's wrong and messed up. He even lies to Julie and tells her that him and Bitch broke up. Unfortunately, Julie falls for all of this, and overrides the director's decision.
We cut to Chase hanging out with Bitch at some salon. She never shuts the fuck up until Chase mentions Julie in passing. Chase... buddy... you fuck up here... He tells Bitch about his master plan to manipulate Julie. Why do characters in Dhar Mann snitch on themselves so fucking much?!
Julie and Chase are reading lines that mimic their situation a little too closely. That in itself is fine, I just reaaaally hope that they don't break the 4th wall (and insult our intelligence) by acknowledging this. Chase and Julie start genuinely bonding and it's actually an immersive romance for once. They find out they have so much in common and we see a spark form. Even having watched this before, I genuinely forgot about Chase's plan. For the first time, ever, Chase is realizing that Bitch doesn't even remotely care about him the same way that Julie does.
For once, I actually enjoy a montage. The music actually fits, and we see a lot of cute romantic moments. It's so heartwarming, in a way that Dhar Mann videos fail to tug at my heartstrings. Like I said, I was sooooo invested in this video and it had so much potential.
We cut to the day of the show, and Chase's narc friends... oh, right, these clowns still exist... they sneak backstage and support Chase... sort of. They don't congratulate him on a job well done, they congratulate him on manipulating Julie and talk mad shit about her... like why don't you guys just fuck off and get a life already? They leave, and Julie walks, with a massive glowup! Literally every other Dhar Mann character glowup sucks except for this one. Not only are 99% of the now "hot" people at the very median of the bell-curve, but even IF they actually were that attractive, NOBODY reacts irl with the hyperbolic drooling that Dhar Mann characters do. This glow up works because they don't put Julie on a pedestal, nobody ogles her, and nobody suddenly acts really nice to her. It's a much more realistic, Chase tells her she's beautiful, and that's it.
Chase and Julie absolutely knock it out of the park on stage, and the crowd goes wild! This is the only time I recall getting shivers from a video in a Dhar Mann video. The chemistry is so real, for one and one time only in Dhar Mann! Backstage again, Chase and Julie share a romantic moment, but they're still in intermission, so Julie leaves momentarily.
We are at 17 minutes of this 22 minute video. It was good for 17 minutes. These last 5 minutes are all completely fucking downhill... Dhar Mann absolutely FUMBLED this video in the remaining time!!!!
I genuinely stopped writing and watching for a minute to brace myself for how enraged I am going to get from this point out...
Narc friends sneak back stage again and... how does this keep happening?! And sure they tell him he's awesome and all, which is new, but other than that, they give the EXACT FUCKING SAME exposition that they did before the play started. Even in the context of this story, why? Why do this again? Oh, and they don't just loudly announce Chase's plan quietly among themseleves, they fucking declare this shit so loud that the entire world can hear. Including Julie...
Julie is obviously devastated, but what's even worse is that the narc friends just fucking skedaddle. Some fucking friends, right? They seriously left Chase alone to endure Julie's wrath. Even IF they don't know that Chase developed genuine feelings for Julie, isn't it still in their best interest to help Chase so he doesn't have to play baseball again?! At the very very very very least, the friends should say something like "dont blame Chase! He's a good guy, this was all our idea and we put him up to it!" but no. They just take off. No retribution. No consequences. Nothing. Chase gets the entirety of the rage and the blame.
The whole "I was using you at first but grew to actually like you" trope is something common in Dhar Mann. Dhar has made complete assholes get off scot-free and have a happy ending. Here you have a genuine guy who made a mistake and knows it, and he gets the absolute worst of it.
Oh, it gets even worse though... because in another extreme coincidence, this is THE ONE AND ONLY TIME that Bitch decides to care about Chase's life, and show up backstage (HOW ARE SO MANY AUDIENCE MEMBERS GOING BACK DURING INTERMISSION???) to give PDA right in front of Julie. Bitch literally says right in front of Julie "Why is she crying? Did she find out you were just pretending to like her?" Like holy fuck this is overkill! You don't need to narc on Chase this goddamn much!
Despite everything I just said post the 17 minute mark... This video had one more chance for redemption. Dhar Mann could have, and came soooooo close to redeeming this mess... I have to brace myself once again.
In the second half of the show, Julie's tone is much more scathing, while Chase's is completely timid. Usually I hate when, in fiction, people resolve their conflicts on stage by "being themselves", but here... it works. Chase breaks character and gives a sincere, honest apology and plea for forgiveness. I know I've used this phrase a lot, but it is such a heartfelt moment. If any character in Dhar Mann ever deserved forgiveness and a second chance for being genuinely repentant, it is Chase. Hell, even the entire damn audience is rooting for Chase and wants Julie to forgive and embrace him!
20 minute mark. 2 minutes remain, and we just had another peak moment after a valley, so surely this video can't fuck it up... right?
Julie runs off stage and the director calls an impromptu intermission. But then we cut to the next day at school... What? No! You can't just not tell us what happened the rest of the night and what became of the show!
Chase goes up to Julie at her locker with a gift of their favorite food. Chase tells Julie that he broke up with Madison, much to Julie's indifference. Chase is wearing a "so you see..." backpack by the way... Dhar Mann was INTENT on ruining this video holy shit.
Julie tells Chase that she talked to the director and they have decided to recast Chase's rol- HUH?! What??? What the fuck do you mean recast his role?? They JUST HAD the show!!! What do you mean for the rest of the run? That's not how school plays work. And no, there's no bullshit about it just going on a few more days of this weekend, because Julie specifically says that she can't bring herself to dance with Chase EVERY weekend!
I started banging my head into my desk once Julie said "Did you not learn anything from the show? Like my character says: The truth doesn't cost you-" AHHHH fuck off. The one and only time you had a somewhat clever way of veiling the message of the video, you had to fuck it up Dhar Mann by having her just outright point to the intended message... Julie takes the food and walks away. The end.
Outro:
...yes... that's actually how they decided to end this. What the fucking fuck? This is so incredibly anticlimactic and absolutely nothing is resolved. Chase is still under the abuse of his dad, his narc friends are off scot free, and Julie is still crushed. Dhar Mann has redeemed absolutely irredeemable scumbags and given happy endings to sociopaths, but Chase of all characters ends up with an EVEN SHITTIER life than how the video started?! This is even worse with the next suggested video being Anna from "Nerds Get Revenge on Cool Teens", an absolute fucking cunt of character who gets off scot-free and suffers no penalties for the shitty things she does INCLUDING USING SOMEBODY ROMANTICALLY, which she neither regrets nor suffers repercussions for. Just get the fuck out of my face already. Fuck this video, fuck the suggested video, and fuck Dhar Mann for ruining one of the only potentially good videos he ever made.
Sorry for how heated I got in this review. I can assure you that no other video even comes close to disappointing me on this level. It just... you know what, nevermind, I've said everything I need to say.
See you all next week for another review! Leave any recommendations below!

Someone asked about reasons for my ED and it got me thinking. This post is way too long for a comment so I’ve made it a post. It is probably very triggering as it’s about my eating disorder also mentions sexual assault, self harm and suicide.
I was a gymnast 16-20 hours a week, I could eat what I wanted and stay thin. I think it started around 14. A group of girls I use to hang around with at lunch time didn’t eat lunch, it never occurred to me I could do that. Soon turned into one meal or no food, plus 3-4 hours of intense exercise. I liked the way it felt. To have my uniform hang off me, the lightness. I felt small and hidden. I was very shy, hardly ever spoke and just wanted to fit in, luckily I was never bullied (not by my peers at least, the emotional abuse at home was horrendous). The thinner I got, people started gravitating towards me and I didn’t even realise, I never had many friends before that. But I was also still anxious, I didn’t feel good enough at gymnastics. I was scared of failure, especially at school. I wanted to be perfect. I think hitting puberty was also a reason, I hated having breasts and hips they made my leotard feel too revealing. I found my period inconvenient, I wanted it to stop. I remember changing for PE and wanting to hide my body. But I look back at photos and I was skeletal. I think I also liked the attention which I didn’t get at home, it was more just looks from teachers, they never said anything but they were kind to me. But in my head I thought maybe if I get really skinny, they’ll like me, talk to me. I loved Matilda as a child and wanted a mom like miss honey, to show affection and love me lol. Ahh that’s sad. I didn’t feel loved by my parents.
Things broke down at home even more, it had been a messy divorce and constant custody issues with my parents since I was 4, my dad was going through his second divorce now and blamed his kids, me. One night he was drunk/high and he became violent. I think that broke a part of me.
I was one of the older girls at gymnastics by now (15-16) I felt huge compared to most of the younger girls and my focus was on the older ones, who were very thin and delicate. I never felt delicate, just massive. Looking back there were girls bigger than me, strong beautiful women. I also didn’t have the energy and said I wanted to focus on school, which I guess had some truth, so I quit. By now I was being asked what I wanted to do for a career. I had no idea. I never thought about the future but a science teacher suggested medicine. I enjoyed science the most so went with it. Grades were very celebrated in my family and being praised felt good, I didn’t want to let anyone down.
Quitting gymnastics meant I could no longer eat as much, I wasn’t exercising as much, right? So I would go days without eating but I would still exercise, go for long runs at night. I started abusing laxatives at this time because I had started binge eating. Then I started college, I was drunk and carried off by a man and SA’d. I had been assaulted before as a child but that didn’t seem to affect me at the time. I didn’t even realise until I was older. I told a councillor and she said you got drunk and regretted it. It was my fault, I thought, I was drunk. But I told him to stop. He physically carried me to secluded place. I remember reaching to grab someone’s hand and they giggled. I started self harming, it became an addiction. I would cry all the time, argue with my mom. I remember being hit over and over by her and dissociating for the first time, it was so scary (and crazy to think about, we would argue about absolutely nothing, she was so horrible when I was a child and I have no idea why). I got kicked out a few times. I was spiralling, past abuse came to the surface and nothing made sense, I think this was the first time I wanted to die at 16. I drank and slit my wrists. But it wasn’t deep enough. I can’t remember what happened after, my mom never found out. My goal was to get to university so I could move out. I would go through periods of recovery, eating normal, especially over breaks from school when I was home all the time with my sister and mum. But at school, I still skipped breakfast and lunch, I spent all my free time in the library hiding from groups of people. People that would be eating. I was withdrawn.
I made it to university, I didn’t get into medicine. I had the grades but got no offers at first. Then I received an interview shortly after results were published (usually interviews are offered before finals and based on the condition you get the grades needed). This was my one shot. Unfortunately, I had a panic attack in the interview and left. I went with my second choice instead, no interview was required. I felt like a failure. I had failed. Living alone (away from parents) meant my ED was in full force now. I could avoid eating all together, I could binge and purge whenever and self harm. I remember my flatmate asking me one drunken night about an entire tub of ice cream that had gone and I told her. Her response was you’re not that skinny so it’s okay. I was shook, lol. I had terrible anxiety, which just got worse. I struggled to make friends. Lectures made me panic, too many people. I saw a doctor for depression/anxiety but avoided telling them about my ED, I didn’t want them to make me stop. I tried medication but it just got worse, I said my goodbyes but was then taken to the hospital. I was referred to a psychiatrist who told me I had BPD. I started stronger medication, antipsychotics and they really messed me up. I got worse, withdrew from all friendships (they always wanted to go out and eat or drink, but that was too many calories). I threw myself into studying and passed all my exams. I was never overweight or underweight during this time (compared to my gymnast days) but my eating was very disordered.
Back home, again. Struggling to get a job because interviews made me panic, how am I meant to say you should pick me, when I feel like shit? I would overdose a couple more times (I don’t know how I’m here), got treated in the hospital, all without nobody knowing. I would overdose and then go to work like nothing happened. I still felt like a failure, I wasn’t using my degree. Life felt empty, boring. What was the point? I had to do this for another 50+ years? No thank you. Tried all kinds of medications but nothing seemed to work or I would gobble them all up and then not have anymore so would just have to withdraw. I finally got a job with my degree but was so depressed, I stopped going, I didn’t get out of bed. I had an argument with my mom, I got kicked out and overdosed in my car. I was vomiting the pills up (they were so bitter) and was taken to hospital after talking to a suicide hotline. This was the first time she found out. I moved in with my brother and felt insanely guilty, a burden on him. He had a daughter too, my niece, and I didn’t want to affect her. He is so kind, I remember him making tea for me and my niece and there were no arguments at the dinner table. He is very athletic/health conscious too, and didn’t have any binge foods around the house. I never b/p during this time but still restricted. I managed to get myself together and got a job. It was the first job I could hold down. I saved up and got my own place. I stayed in that role for 7 years. I did have times when I would relapse binge-purge-restrict but I truly think that job saved my life in a way. I felt valued, I was helping other people. I opened up to my coworkers a little and they shared their experiences with SA and eating disorders (I never told them about mine, I couldn’t talk about it, but they helped me so much by being open and kind). A coworkefriend once told me how I looked so much healthiehappier now and that I was too thin when I started (it didn’t trigger me, she was being nice). She probably doesn’t remember but she had noticed. Sure my family was always commented how I was skinny, but nobody else ever said anything. Someone had noticed.
I recently looked at some old photos from Covid times and was shocked how swollen my cheeks and face was. I went through a period of being very bulimic. b/p every day (I would puke into a bucket in the shower until it was almost full) a particularly low point was when I was actually b/p at work or in public toilets. It has always been something I’d done at home. I was still depressed. Eventually, I started looking into psychedelics and it did help a little however things were bad where I lived, my neighbours were bullying me over parking, which just escalated for no reason, they would spit on my door and damage my car, which affected me quite a bit. Other neighbours had moved out because of them. After Covid, I moved into my car. It was cramped lol. I moved back to my mums after a panic attack. I remember going to a hen do with my friends from high school. Alcohol and not being able to relate to any of them (and being back home) triggered me badly. I overdosed. My mom found me and called the ambulance. I remember the paramedics gasping at my body, I was bones and felt proud about it. I escaped the hospital and carried on. I did see another psychiatrist who I told about my ED. The medical notes make me laugh, I told her my weight as being *KG I have no idea why or what I weighed, I’m 5’7 and she comments something like ‘unlikely, pt wearing baggy jumper, eating disorder’ ah confirmation at last. It’s not in my head?
Found myself a new place and here I am. I haven’t b/p for 3 years now, I’m 30, but I have taken up smoking and barely eat. Im struggling to find joy in anything lately. Talking to other people is hard. My weight is dropping fast and that feels good. I think I’m always a bit curious how much I can lose, sometimes I just seem to ‘recover’ and eat relatively normal. I still feel like a failure and unloveable/unlikeable. I don’t have any friends (there are people who talk to me but I never know why, I think I fear rejection and being hurt). I just don’t feel connected to anything except my ED, it’s the only thing that comforts me. I haven’t been intimate with anyone since being SA’d and just feel too embarrassed about it, embarrassed about my body in general, if I’m a normal weight I feel too fat, if I’m underweight I feel too boney. The worst part is that people are so much nicer to me when I’m restricting. It fucks with my head. I’m just kind of waiting to die in a way, I don’t feel sad about it. It’s easier to carry on doing what I’m doing than to attempt again. I’m scared it won’t work or I’ll end up in a worse position. I also don’t want to upset my family.
Idk maybe you can relate? Does any of this make sense. I’m not very articulate sorry, but that felt good to get off my chest.

I was a mess during my entire high school life. My priorities are way off and I'm very undisciplined. I'm always lallygagging and extremely nonchalant about everything.
This all started from my elementary years where I got way too lucky that it became detrimental. I was a very consistent honor student, not at the top but still consistently in the honors. Not to brag but school was way too easy for me. It was so easy that I could easily get high marks on exams without doing anything.
That in turn made me extremely lazy and never put in the effort. During exam weeks and such, I would just sleep all day, read books (like Narnia or something, not academic stuff), play videogames, etc. I just wasted my time since I was way too confident that everything will work out anyway, and it always did big time.
Everything fell apart once I got into high school. The curriculum finally became hard and challenging but by then my minimum effort approach was already hard coded within me and I was lost. The demand to actually work without dumb luck was very apparent and I wasn't able to keep up. It was made even worse with the fact that I also lacked positive role models during that time and got bullied a lot.
It's clear that I have potential. A lot of people see it and if I can already accomplish things without trying, how much more when I actually discipline myself and put in the effort?

Hello
I'm Japanese and I'm writing this using Google Translate (I'm sorry if my English is clumsy)
I believe that CFS and fibromyalgia are closely related.
I'm having a lot of trouble with cfs, and I can't move all day because of brain fog, and my days are like hell.
Meanwhile, TCA (especially Nortriptyline) was effective and my body felt really good. (Also, maprotiline was also very effective, so I felt that increasing noradrenalin was necessary for me.)
However, I am very sensitive to drug side effects, and just 10mg of Nortriptyline caused significant QT prolongation, and I had exactly the same result with maprotiline.)
I have a particularly sensitive reaction to cyp2d6 drugs.
In this case, what medicine do you think is effective for CFS and fibromyalgia and that even I, who is not sensitive to medicine, can take?
(I also took mirogabalin and pregabalin, but my vision deteriorated so much that I couldn't take them. I'm really sad.)
What I'm going to try now is a low dose of Duloxetine and a low dose of Desvenlafaxine. (I feel like this probably won't work either...)
I also have the ridiculous idea of ​​implanting a defibrillator and using TCAs, since they work best (but risk QT prolongation and heart attack).Is this really an extreme idea?

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

For reference I’m a 23 yo M
To start, around 3 weeks ago I was headbanging to music pretty hard and felt a stinger in my neck. Thought I just pulled something, but I woke up the next day with my arm feeling like a nerve was pinched somewhere. It was hurting in my left shoulder and weak as well, there was also tingling and weakness in my hand.
The tingling have also spread to my face and neck. A week later the other arm started having the same issue (feeling exactly the same on onset actually). I go to see my neurologist and he was weakness in my left shoulder and arm but not in my right arm as it felt completely normal when this all started. The left shoulder weakness has actually gotten better, but the tingling, numbness, and weakness are still there. Also neck pain and should pain coke on intermittently.
I should note all the weakness is clinical. Also have positive Hoffmann sign in left hand but not on the right. No clonus. Positive Romberg test which tests for proprioception.
I had an emg of only the left arm because that was where all this started, and it came back crystal. I also had an mri of my brain and neck and this is what they found.
FINDINGS: No fractures or dislocations are seen. No destructive bony changes are seen. The vertebral bodies are maintained in height. The pedicles are intact. No facet malalignment is seen. The pedicles are intact. The craniocervical alignment and atlantoaxial articulation are unremarkable. The visualized structures within the cranial fossa are grossly unremarkable. No spinal cord myelopathy or contusion is seen. Small mucous retention cyst in the sphenoid sinus is noted consistent with chronic sinusitis.
There is straightening of the cervical lordosis likely due to muscle spasm.
The C2-3 disc level is unremarkable.
The C3-4 level is unremarkable.
C4-5: There is 2.5-3 mm broad-based right paracentral/right posterior herniation of the protrusion type impinging of the right ventral spinal cord borderline narrowing the central spinal canal. The neural foramina are patent bilaterally. Tiny Tarlov cyst in the lateral foramen is seen.
C5-6: There is a shallow broad-based left posterior protrusion encroaching approximately 2.5-3 mm into the spinal canal with associated posterior spurring/ridging impinging on and mildly flattening the left ventral spinal cord. Tarlov cysts in both neural foramina are seen.
C6-7: Tarlov cysts in both foramina are noted without disc space narrowing, annular fissure, posterior herniation or central spinal stenosis.
C7-T1: There is minimal right posterior bulge without disc space narrowing, annular fissure or focal herniation. Small Tarlov cysts in the foramina are seen.
The T1-2 disc level is unremarkable.
All this points to neck issues but two surgeons (well one surgeon and a resident of another surgeon.) say it’s highly unlikely my neck is causing these symptoms. My neurologist has stated to me that there is nothing else it really could be outside of blood issues.
I’ve gone down the als rabbit hole and am stuck in it, I’m trying to get out. I forgot to mention I have twitches too on top of it all.
Help me friends
EDIT: I also have balance issues and weakness in my right leg that’s more attributable to my disc herniation in my low back. I had the weakness before all this became so crazy. Also brain mri is literally completely unremarkable.