Sooo, a few weeks ago I made a post about how dissapointed I was with Ram Doobay and the way his route is being handled. And here I am again to express that I haven't changed my mind about him. Before I start with this loooong rant I want to say that this is my opinion and that I don't have the intention to offend anyone. Maybe all Ram romancers are tired of seeing so many posts and complaints about him lately but I need to get this off my chest, sorry. 😅
In my last post I said that I would give him another chance to see if his romantic path improved since I didn't like the way he proposed to have that secret relationship with Devi, how bad was their first kiss and that he seemed to be completely indifferent toward her. Well, I gave him a chance in this update even if it was only one episode, but it was enough to conclude that he doesn't really care about her and that I will change my LI. I know it's bold to say that he doesn't care because there are people who think otherwise but I will explain why I got this feeling from him once again based on the events that occurred in this update.
-First of all, in this update we got to know the horrible news related to Devi's fate. It bothered me greatly to see how disinterested and indifferent Ram was about her impending death. I understand it if it's Ratan the one who doesn't give a damn about her life, after all he is a demigod and our Mahadeva has feelings only when it comes to Amala 😂 But Ram...? He has reasons to show at least something, at least a bit of concern, regret, devastation, whatever... After all, they are in a relationship now.
-I know perfectly well that he can't do anything about this situation and that he can't change it, I know that he is a bit of an introvert and all but he for sure has emotions, he is not heartless and he's completely capable of showing them. Being an introvert, an honest person or someone who doesn't like to give false hopes doesn't stop him from showing a bit of concern for his secret partner, or the person he "loves" or likes or has crush on, or the person he lusts for or is interested in, I don't know. Honestly I don't even understand what are his feelings for Devi because his route is soooo messy and fickle, or maybe I don't understand it? In one episode he doesn't even want her to touch him, then he is "interested" in her(or that's what the narrative keeps mentioning), then he only wants to have fun with her before marriage, then he has a crush on her, then he wants to have a future with her, then he licks her neck, then he kisses her out of nowhere and then he only wants to enjoy the moment!
-This is so messy 😆 What is Remy doing with his route? In every episode he changes his personality and his feelings for Devi, even Remy said that he doesn't have serious feelings for her, then why is he proposing a secret relationship if he doesn't have feelings for her? Why do you want to be together with someone if you don't care about that person, if you feel nothing serious and if you are not willing to fight for that person? From my understanding, if you propose a relationship(even if it's secret) to someone is because you actually have serious feelings for that person and because you actually care. Am I the one who has misunderstood the meaning of a relationship? Am I dumb? Or maybe I don't even understand their "amazing connection and banter"? What I'm supposed to believe? Another thing that I don't get is his sudden self-assured personality, it doesn't become him at all! That is not the Ram we knew in the first chapters, is Remy trying to make an Amrit 2.0 out of him? Because that attitude is not what I was expecting from him. He was different before or maybe I'm getting this feeling because he is changing his personality every now and then. Before he seemed so unusual, like a breath of fresh air but now I don't get that sensation, he became boring. Moreover, the joke about the maithuna thing was so ammm... old fashioned? It's not even funny anymore. It would be funny if we were talking about Amrit here but Ram is not Amrit and I don't want him to be Amrit. By the way, I can't believe he was joking about that knowing that Devi is destined to die, where is the sensitivity?🤷‍♀️
-Returning to the other topic again, Devi learns that her headaches are connected to her death and Ram says "I suffer from headaches too". Emmm okay sir sooo, what about Devi's death? I know that it is connected but your girl is going to die!! Like hellooo, wake up! She is worried sick and you are talking about yourself? You are not the one who is going to die here. They start having collective headaches again and he reaches out toward her without even looking in her direction, with an annoyed face and a very impolite tone trying to awaken their "amazing connection". Whaaat?! Sir I'm dying, when are you going to show me that you care? And why are you treating me like that? I'm not a nobody, I'm the person you "love", I would understand his behaviour if you are not following his route but this happens in HIS route. Whyyy Ram? Whyyy?! Why are you standing there and rolling your eyes as if nothing is happening to Devi and as if this was very normal, honestly he is so lazy 🫠 He was rolling his eyes during the whole episode!! He is always there without doing absolutely anything, it's like he is saying: Yeah. Accept it, it will pass. I have the feeling that Devi will be the only one who will fight for this relationship and will care for him, similar to what is happening between Radha and Raj.
-Finally they go out because he still can't bear the thought of showing some concern about her and talk about the inminent death of his lover in that same place, poor him🙄 And he has the audacity to say: "Well... Who could have imagined that this was going to happen..." 🥲 Are you kidding me? And he is still rolling his eyes! 😭 Maaaaan you knew that this was going to happen because you predicted it and you knew that Devi was destined to become the Lord's bride. You also know that she is going to die and that's the only thing you have to say about it? Seriously, that was offensive and if I was in the Devi's place I would have slapped him right there.
-Then Devi shows her concern for their secret relationship, I felt so sorry for her... Honestly she deserves better. He starts talking about her death as if it's nothing and says that the most important thing is not to let their secret to be known. Takes a deep breath🤦‍♀️No sir, no... The most important thing right now is to show her some love, appreciation, interest, to show that you care and to try to do something about it, the most important thing is Devi's fate, the fate that you share together and to try to do something so that your relationship will stop being a secret, so that you will stop hiding your feelings for each other, otherwise you won't be happy and you will end up being as dirty as your brother and Radha! Please someone teach this guy how to treat a woman! And actually, happines doesn't seem to be what he cares about giving the disgusting things he was teached in his family, but I won't blame him for that, it is not his fault that the morals in his family are like that. The narrative keeps mentioning all the time how interested he is in Devi but I don't see it, where is the interest? Show it to me! It's outrageous to see that so much time passed(5 YEARS!!!)and he doesn't even know what are his feeling for her, he didn't sort out his feeling for Devi yet, and he had plenty of time. It's all so unclear! Like I said, what does he want from this thing that they are having? Does he want a future, does he want to have fun? I don't understand because he changes his mind and says something different in every episode.
I am so dissapointed and upset because I loved him and I was obsessed with him, my investment in his route was insane 🥲 But everything got ruined in his path. I don't know if the problem here it's Remy who isn't capable of writing well Ram's route, if it's the time skip which ruined their chemistry and pacing or if it's me who can't understand him, but I wish I could 🫤 His path doesn't seem interesting anymore, their interactions feel extremely forced now and I am not capable of enjoying it at all so I'm not giving it any chance anymore and I will change my LI even it brokes my heart but in my opinion Ram is better as a friend than as a LI. So yeah, that was it. There are many more things that I want to say but I will stop because I've gotten carried away writing this. 🤣🤣 I hope I didn't bother anyone here and if you have read this far I would be interested to know about your opinion. 😁

Chapter 1
____Angel1 or ____A1
above is a dialoguge example for Guardian angels they are numbered, and has no names yet
Notes:====================
author note ALL FICTION in mind while writing the story
the enclosed sentences are thoughts
-those thoughts currently are known only for the readers and _______
-and the sentences that are not enclosed are spoken dialoge

Mother and father having an argument
Father "Listen to me, LISTEN TO ME!" "Money is important" "Money is IMPORTANT FOR HAPPINESS! my love"
Arcyn "................." (Fathers so nice)
Guardian Angels
Angels 1: This is so IRRITTATING!
Angels 2: he is a very greedy person Arcyn
Angels 1: Why do you think his nice?
Angels 2: Yeah why? Arcyn?
Angels ?: .........
Father "ARE YOU LISTENING MY LOVE"
Mother "NO, I AM NOT!"
Arcyn "................" (Mom so kind) (What are they talking about?) (There fighting, I'm scared)
Good thing youre quitely thinking now Arcyn we hear your thoughts, those are only known to us overlookers and to our boss
GUARDIAN ANGELS This is us talking again
______A1: his mother is kind indeed
______A2: yeah i agree
______A?: .......
Mother mother looked at Arcyn direction and said "Do you want to have more toys?"
Arcyn "Yes I do want ones mother" (Why toys mother, im 13 now?)
______A2: Yeah mother he's 13, why toys?
______A1: yeah, who likes toys nowadays?
______A3: Mother, very smart
______A1: mother, very smart indeed
_______?: ...............
Father "Listen Wife, we can make our lives a lot easier if you just Follow the TASK"
Father "Lets go inside our room, ill tell you more of the Task there"
Mother "hmmm......" "Ok if its for Arcyn, i dont have a problem with that"
then he saw the TASK his father saw
Arcyn "................."
Don't worry Arcyn, your wish is granted, I'll be explaining this to you since don't know what's happening
so, Now listen up, LISTEN this will be the side of your father he shows others everyday
Father "Money is IMPORTANT FOR HAPPINESS!" (money is good for the family, I struggled for money in the past, i dont want my son to experience that)
Father "Money is happines, dont disagree with ME!" (Son, i just want you to buy you many things, you are special to me)
Father "Poverty is a curse, money is what we all need" (i wish my son will avoid experiencing poverty, i dont want that, I DONT WANT THAT)
this is why his disliked, he cant express his true feelings which he doubts are true
Then
Arcyn "................." (AH, yes , im sure thats daddy, he is a nice person)
_______A1 : "No Arcyn, your father is greedy about everything you just don't remember it"
Arcyn (thats stupid)
_______A2: "just stay quiet for now, ok Arcyn"
Arcyn (I don't like you guys, your mean to papa) (there was never a time where papa was selfish) (and your talking stupid)
______A1: we didnt believe your father too
______A2: Yeah, I didnt believed too
______A?: Arcyn, go and confront them
______A?: can you do that
Arcyn (Who is this?)
_______A?: "The Leader of Angels or leader Velvin"
leader Velvin: "Call me that ok Arcyn"
What Father saw Arcyn

TASK (for father) Make full use of Arcyn power which is "GIVING power to people"
CONDITION make full use his power

Chapter 2
Arcyn came closer to his father
father "What is it son?"
Arcyb "Dad is something wrong"
Leader A: ...... ask why he cares about money so much
Arcyn (thats stupid he doesnt care about money)
leader Velvin: .... dont be stubborn ask him ok.
Arcyn "..........."
Arcyn "Do you only care about money father"
fathee "Of course, I only care about money"
Arcyn "No dad" "you think too smally" (theres an underlying reason for that dad, theres a different reason)
_______A1: if he can articulate his words properly hell be good
_______A3: thier family is good, but please learn how to talk huhuhu
Leader A: ...............
Father son, money is so good son, its happines (money is good for us son, I want to raise you with wealth, not in poverty)
Arcyn no dad, reasoonsss differenttss (you have a different reason, your kind dad, why do you make people think your only doing it for money)
______A1: so how will they understand each other boss
Leader Velvin: Dont worry i thought of something, ill tell you now
_______A1: ok Listen Arcyn, We are gonna resolve the misunderstanding your father has about himself,
_______A2: so people dont dislike him as much
Arcyn "............." (But I understand him though)
_______A2: its cute Hahahaha
_______A3: lets go and give him toys Hahahah
Arcyn (you guys are so mean) (and I would rather have gadgets idiot overlookers)
_______A3: ouch, those words arent so kind idiot human
Leader A: guys we lost track of our goal
_______A1: Hahhaah ok ok ok boss
_______A1: so heres the plan Arcyn
____A1: ____'s thoughts are fully expressed now
leader A: Go ahead talk to your father
Arcyn "Why do you like money so much father?"
Arcyn "Your a painter right dad?"
Arcyn "Why are you a painter and not applying for other jobs"
Mother "are you angry son?"
Mother "theres a reason for this, do you want to know son?"
Arcyn "yes mom"
Mother "His a painter since he never got to school Arcyn"
"since he had many brothers and they all are too much"
"so he had to take care of them and giving education for each of them would be too much"
Father "thats also why i cant read and write" laughing
father "In the past it was hard son" "everyone beside my family thought i was dumb" "The only thing keeping me going was art" "and my family"
father "I drew everyday, Everyday!"
father "my brothers hated that"
father "and i had no sisters Hahaha"
mother "tell him the reason you all found your brothers so endearing"
father "i remeber this its funny" laughing "they will hold my drawings show it to others walking saying, my brother did this!"
"MY BROTHER DID THIS!"
father "They would also bring mom, but shes always busy with multiple jobs"
father "She would always come to me and say this"
"Im sorry son, REALLY son" with tears on her cheeks
Leader O: your father wouldnt say this directly without our interference
Leader O: he has a strange way of thinking
father "she always apoligizes everytime"
"but i said i dont hate having multiple friends"
father "and i said she did good, i dont care about her past"

इन्द्र॑श्चिद्घा॒ तद॑ब्रवीत्स्त्रि॒या अ॑शा॒स्यं मन॑: । उ॒तो अह॒ क्रतुं॑ र॒घुम् ॥
Even Indra has said: The minds of women should not be chastised, for their resolve is swift. Indeed, their determination (kṛatu) is superior."
Sameveda quotes —————-
“Pride of wealth destroys wealth, pride of strength destroys strength and in the same manner pride of knowledge destroys knowledge.”
“Life devoid of struggles is a life bereft of happiness because the value of happiness is realized only after pain.”
“Just as an arrow once released from the bow can not return, in the same manner painful and harsh words can not be taken back.”
“A man, who realizes the potential of his mind by means of introspection and contemplation, he does not lack self-confidence. He has control over his mind and he is able to realize it’s full potential.”
“People of double standards never experience happines”
“Thou are great just like all-capable deities.”
“People, who rise above their petty individual selfishness and work for the welfare of society are considered patriots.”
“Anybody desirous of success should spend some time in introspection and contemplation.”
"In the place where there is music, musical instruments, rhythm, and the knowledge of singing, the Vedas witness and blessings flow effortlessly."
In the symphony of existence, our lives are the verses, and each note resonates with the cosmic melody."
"As the celestial hymns weave through the fabric of time, so does our art intertwine with the essence of creation."
"Amidst the rhythms of the universe, our creativity echoes—a sacred dance of expression in harmony with the cosmic cadence."
"The artist, like the Sama chanters of old, transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary, rendering the mundane divine."
"Just as the Sama Veda intricately tunes the cosmic vibrations, our art harmonizes the energies of our being with the song of existence."

Sameveda quotes ?
—————-
“Pride of wealth destroys wealth, pride of strength destroys strength and in the same manner pride of knowledge destroys knowledge.”
“Life devoid of struggles is a life bereft of happiness because the value of happiness is realized only after pain.”
“Just as an arrow once released from the bow can not return, in the same manner painful and harsh words can not be taken back.”
“A man, who realizes the potential of his mind by means of introspection and contemplation, he does not lack self-confidence. He has control over his mind and he is able to realize it’s full potential.”
“People of double standards never experience happines”
“Thou are great just like all-capable deities.”
“People, who rise above their petty individual selfishness and work for the welfare of society are considered patriots.”
“Anybody desirous of success should spend some time in introspection and contemplation.”
"In the place where there is music, musical instruments, rhythm, and the knowledge of singing, the Vedas witness and blessings flow effortlessly."
In the symphony of existence, our lives are the verses, and each note resonates with the cosmic melody."
"As the celestial hymns weave through the fabric of time, so does our art intertwine with the essence of creation."
"Amidst the rhythms of the universe, our creativity echoes—a sacred dance of expression in harmony with the cosmic cadence."
"The artist, like the Sama chanters of old, transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary, rendering the mundane divine."
"Just as the Sama Veda intricately tunes the cosmic vibrations, our art harmonizes the energies of our being with the song of existence."
What do you think of these Vedic quotes?

Does it?Do i have to go to the bed all numb and depressed ever fucking night,with all the memories on the replay of how much happier i could've been?i been genuinely wondering can you ever cure depression, cuz there will be happines in my life for like.a few days,and few weeks at the time and suddenly this overwhelming feeling of chrusing depression sets in,and i start to overthink,i cant express emotions like a normal human being anymore,i cannot cry anymore,why couldn't my life be perfect like my friends lifes are,why am i fucking ugly?Ive been trying to be nothing but possitive these past couple of weeks but i think i am finally cracking,j dont know if i am going to be alive anymore,if i dont post on reddit anymore,ive have either killed myself or found genuine happines.

Some people make decisions effortlessly, while others remain in a state of paralysis for years, unable to decide. It's painful not to know what to do or, worse, not to know what you truly want with all your heart.
At times, I must admit, I envy those in the former category so much...
In this text, I'll present things I wish I had known when I was in my early 20s.
Let’s say you're in your 20s and feeling somewhat lost...
--------------------------------------------
The first and most important step: Get to know yourself. Have you ever taken a personality test?
"Know thyself" - you've heard this phrase many times before.
If you don't know who you are, then you don't have any idea where you are going.
If you don't know where you're going, you quickly lose the sense of meaning.
And it is very hard to live a life without a strong why.
How do you learn about yourself?
How do you learn what you want?
How do you learn what you’re good at?
It is so simple – by getting your personality assessed through a personality test.
I wish I’d known this this when I graduated high school – it would’ve helped me so much.
IMO (and not just mine, ofc), the best personality test out there is the Big Five Personality Model.
This model states that personality could be characterized by 5 main areas. So, you have 5 parts of your personality:
OCEAN
Openness (interest in creativity, novelty, aesthetics, art, beauty, new experiences, unconventional thinking)
Conscientiousness (relates to working hard, discipline, following schedule, work ethic, planning, persistence, competition)
Extraversion (relates to social skills, making connections, having high energy around people, assertiveness)
Agreeableness (relates to kindness, altruism, empathy, tolerance and being more cooperant rather than competitive)
Neuroticism (sensitivity to experiencing more negative emotions, emotional reactivity. It also relates to anxiety, mood swings, self-doubt, insecurity, low stress tolerance and perceived threat.)
Does it start to click a bit?
Each trait exists on a spectrum, capturing the variation in individual personality characteristics. There are no 'goods' or 'bads'. If you are high in conscientiousness and low in creativity, it doesn’t inherently imply that it is better to be high in conscientiousness and low in creativity. It is just the way it is! The challenge lies in the fact that each of these traits has its pros and cons.

Let’s see: 

Openness:
Pros: High openness is linked to creativity, innovation, and a willingness to explore new ideas and experiences.
Cons: Excessive openness may lead to a lack of focus, impulsivity, and difficulty maintain a routine.
Conscientiousness:
Pros: Conscientious individuals are often hardworking, reliable, and disciplined, contributing to goal achievement.
Cons: Overemphasis on conscientiousness may result in perfectionism, inflexibility, and stress-related burnout.
Extraversion:
Pros: Extraverts tend to be socially skilled, outgoing, and energetic, facilitating leadership qualities.
Cons: Overly high extraversion can lead to impulsivity, overstimulation, and a potential disregard for reflective decision-making.
Agreeableness:
Pros: Agreeable individuals excel in interpersonal relationships, fostering cooperation, empathy, and a harmonious social environment.
Cons: Excessive agreeableness may lead to a tendency to avoid conflict, potential exploitation and difficulty asserting personal needs.
Neuroticism:
Pros: A certain level of neuroticism can enhance vigilance and sensitivity to potential threats, promoting careful decision-making.
Cons: High neuroticism is associated with increased susceptibility to stress, anxiety, and mood disorders, impacting overall well-being.
Is it more clear now? Does this answer your question: why am I the way I am?
Your friend who is always very stressed and never sees anything good in anything, that guy is high in the neuroticism trait.
Your friend who is quite boring, doesn’t have many interests, and is a rather chill guy, is low in the openness trait.
Your friend who is always the life of the party, constantly talking and making everyone laugh, embodies a high extraversion trait.
Examples are endless.
But how do I know what I am, where I stand?
Unfortunately, I cannot provide you with a full assessment of this personality test BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT. Hehe. I've given you an introduction. For a professional assessment of your personality, paid tests are available. Sorry, I can’t sell you anything.
BUT,
You can answer some of the following questions to gain a clearer understanding of who you are!
Here are some quick questions you can answer to gauge where you stand in each trait.
Openness*: Are you often drawn to new and unconventional ideas? Do you enjoy exploring different cultures and ways of thinking? How comfortable are you with unpredictability? Are you inclined towards creative activities, such as art, music, or writing? Do you often seek out novel and challenging experiences? Are you open to considering unconventional solutions to problems? How important is it for you to express your individuality? Are you attracted to abstract and complex concepts? Do you enjoy engaging in philosophical or theoretical discussions? How spontaneous are you in your daily life?*
Conscientiousness*: Are you generally organized and systematic in your approach to tasks? How well do you manage your time and prioritize tasks? Do you feel a sense of accomplishment when you complete your work efficiently? Are you known for your reliability and punctuality? How disciplined are you in sticking to long-term goals? Do you find satisfaction in paying attention to details in your work? Are you comfortable with routine and structure in your daily life? How do you handle responsibilities and obligations? Are you proactive in planning and preparing for future events? How persistent are you in overcoming challenges or setbacks?*
Extraversion*: Do you generally enjoy socializing and being around people? How outgoing and talkative are you in group settings? Do you feel energized after social interactions or do they drain you? How comfortable are you in initiating conversations with strangers? Are you drawn to and comfortable in leadership roles? Do you prefer working in collaborative environments? How important is it for you to be the center of attention in social situations? Are you more likely to express your thoughts verbally or through written communication? How often do you seek out social activities and events? Do you enjoy being the life of the party or do you prefer quieter gatherings?*
Agreeableness*: How important is it for you to maintain harmonious relationships with others? Are you generally empathetic and understanding of others' feelings? How willing are you to compromise for the sake of a relationship? Are you comfortable expressing your opinions even if they differ from others? How often do you find yourself helping others without expecting anything in return? Are you patient and tolerant of others' mistakes and shortcomings? How do you handle conflicts in your personal and professional relationships? Do you prioritize cooperation and collaboration over competition? How forgiving are you when someone wrongs you? How much value do you place on being liked and accepted by others?*
Neuroticism*: How often do you find yourself worrying about future events? Are you easily affected by stress in your daily life? How well do you handle unexpected changes or uncertainties? Do you often experience intense emotional reactions to situations? How prone are you to feeling anxious or nervous in new or challenging situations? How would you describe your overall mood stability? Are you generally able to bounce back quickly from setbacks and disappointments? How well do you manage your reactions to criticism or negative feedback? Do you tend to dwell on past mistakes or failures? How susceptible are you to experiencing feelings of sadness or depression?*
Aha…, it start to make sense now.
Please realize this simple thing: no matter what score you get on a test like this, you can always improve yourself. If you are not disciplined, you can always discipline yourself. If you are anxious, you can improve your mood swings. If you are too agreeable, you can learn how to handle conflict.

We are meant to evolve. Period. Ok, now I know more about myself, I understand myself better… 

…what do I do now?
When you understand your personality, you know what kind of career or job could suit you. Your career, your job should align with your personality. If you don’t want to hate your life forever, choose a job based on your personality!
So, what are some career paths for different personality types?
Let’s take a look! ^{(The list is not exhaustive!})
Openness:
• Low Openness (bank teller, security guard, manufacturing operator, retail sales associate)
• High Openness (creative director, research scientist, graphic designer, musician, actor))
Conscientiousness:
• Low Conscientiousness (bartender, freelancer, actor, salesperson, artist)
• High Conscientiousness (project manager, financial analyst, chief financial officer, doctor, lawyer)
Extraversion:
• Low Extraversion (data analyst, librarian, programmer, research scientist, accountant)
• High Extraversion (sales representative, event planner, public relations specialist, real estate agent, tour guide)
Agreeableness:
• Low Agreeableness (critic, lawyer, surgeon, corporate executive)
• High Agreeableness (counselor, human resources manager, social worker, teacher, customer service representative)
Neuroticism:
• Low Neuroticism (airline pilot, firefighter, police officer, surgeon, engineer
• High Neuroticism (therapist, customer service representative, emergency medical technician, artist, writeauthor)
Now, you should understand why people choose the jobs they choose or why they like the things they like. This is the reason I am emphasizing so much on having your personality tested – in this case with the Big 5 Model.
^{Keep in mind life is not a straight road.}
There are few people that knew since the day they were born what they wanted to do in this life.
They are exceptions.
This is for those who are ”regular” people.
----------------------
​
I kinda know what I want…, but how do I know if that’s the best choice?
To be honest, sometimes you just don’t know...
I’m telling you, the longer you wait, the tougher it becomes. At some point in life, you have to make a decision.
It becomes easier for you to decide if you know yourself even just a little bit.
The notion that more choices lead to greater happiness is deeply ingrained in modern culture. However, this idea has its pitfalls.
Have you heard about the paradox of choice?
The paradox of choice suggests that an abundance of options can lead to stress and a sense of overwhelm rather than the promised happiness. There simply isn't enough time to do everything you want in this short life!
“I don't take any action but it would take me way too long or when I have no other choice to finally get to a "best" decision.”
“Making the best choice has always been a pressure for me and my brain just blanks out completely.”
“I obsess over the idea of "what would be the best choice?", I have too many things to do, my time would never fit all of them, and I keep thinking all day about it and suddenly it's bed time.”
“I don't want to make the wrong choice and have to pay for it. I want everything to go as smoothly as possible.”
“I constantly doubt myself when making a choice and a lot of times since neither choice seem to be best I just don’t make one.”
Do you recognize yourself?
It is called ^{analysis paralysis.}
The abundance of options can create a situation where people find it challenging to make a decision because of the fear that they might make the wrong one.
This indecision can lead to a delayed decision-making process.
Moreover, the abundance of choices can also result in post-decision regret.
When faced with numerous options, do you constantly wonder if you made the best decision, leading to a nagging sense of dissatisfaction and the perception that the grass is greener on the other side?
It is tiring.
The pressure to optimize every decision in a world of endless possibilities can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. More choices doesn’t mean more happines…
Undoubtedly, having options is valuable, but be aware that there has to be a balance...

So: 

a. You get stuck into analysis paralysis and you do nothing and you regret.
b. You pick something, you quickly realize that there obstacles (which every path has) and you start overruminating over the “what ifs… ” or over “maybe the other choice would’ve been better”.
And then you end up nowhere mentally – because the worst thing you can do is to stay stuck rather than moving even .1% a day.
No matter what you do in this life, there are things that you will eventually quit. ^{Time on this earth is simply too short to do everything.}
For those who are high in openness and want to experience many things, it can be really challenging. I've been there numerous times and concluded that I have to decide which things I can give up to avoid living a miserable life full of regrets.
Please ask yourself and answer the following questions:
What things am I willing to give up so that the one thing I pursue can fulfill me?
What am I willing to pursue despite facing suffering and struggles?
What disadvantages of a decision can I tolerate while still enjoying the pursuit?
Let’s say that even if you do these things perfectly, a demon could still crawl into your mind. It’s called comparison.
----------------------
I always compare myself with others…
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People compare themselves to others more than you can imagine. *I am no exception, I used to do that a lot. I know how it’s like to ruminate about your flaws and to put everyone on pedestal.\* I don’t know why we’re wired this way, but it always seems that the grass is greener on the other side. We’re comparing ourselves to others because we really don’t know who we are and what we want. You should only compare to yourself from yesterday – as they say. There is a filthy trick with comparison and that is “you compare your whole life based on someone’s chapter”*. You are only seeing a tiny bit of someone’s life, which is most of the times presented in an exaggerated manner, and you think that that small part of his life it is actually the whole life. Social media plays a huge role in nowadays society and people, especially young ones, easily fall into this trap of comparison. ^(No one is going to present themselves as miserable, depressed and in pain, isn’t it?) You have strengths. You have weaknesses. The weaknesses tend to pop out more in our lives rather than our strengths. What is negative is much more visible. Having someone trustworthy around you is vital to have because it can show good parts of you when you are waaay into your head and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Life is like a pizza, formed by several slices that conjure up the thing we call life:

*Job/career* *Money/goods* *Family* *Romantic relationship* *Social connections/friendships* *Mental health* *Physical health* *Leisure time* *Hobbies* 

If you manage to have a green checkmark on all of them by the time you’re reading this, then you are more than blessed.
However, what we often do is compare our lack of something with someone who already has that thing. We tend to see only what others present as wonderful through a narrow lens!
For instance, you might not have your dream job and find yourself looking at an influencer or a successful person. Yet, you may overlook having good physical and mental health, a loving family, and free time to spend as you wish. Similarly, you might complain about not having a romantic relationship, observing your best friend who does. But you might not notice that your friend is dealing with numerous mental health issues.
You get my point?
There are always things to compare against and always things to complain about!
They say if you want to be happy, compare yourself to someone below you, and if you want to be miserable, compare yourself with someone above you.
In my opinion, you should use comparison to your advantage!
If you want to develop big biceps, find someone whose biceps you admire and work your way up to that level. Use it as a benchmark to propel yourself forward, not to breed envy. Use it as a goal to achieve.
If you want a great partner, observe relationships that aren't working, identify what you wouldn’t want to happen and use it to guide your choices. Compare the challenges in other relationships to your future one to know what to avoid.
If you desire great friends, observe people skilled in social interactions, learn from them, and build friendships. Do not rot away at home and fantasize about how evil the world is.
Examples are endless… do you see where I’m going with this?
I know it sounds philosophical, but use whatever comes your way to your advantage, not against you.
Humans are wired to prioritize negative stimuli as a survival strategy. We are more sensitive to negatives, which stand out more easily than positives. This explains why the internet is filled with gratitude content – something I wasn't initially fond of, but now I advocate practicing gratitude. Why?
Because things can always get worse, so it’s better to appreciate what you have in the present moment.
Maintaining a gratitude journal is the best way to remind yourself that life isn't as miserable as it seems, and there's plenty to be thankful for. Especially in this fast-paced smartphone era, a gratitude journal serves as a reminder of what you have because it's easy to forget... YOU EASILY FORGET EVERYTHING!
You can always find a reason to feel down and miserable, why not be thankful for what you already have?
You may compare yourself to a lot of people, but have ever wondered if someone is comparing to you?

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This is part 1 of this article.
I will post the other part in the next 24h.
Tell me what you liked about this and what not.
Also, there is a questionnaire in my bio................ you know what I am asking you :)
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Thank you for your time!!

I've been so nervous about coming out because I've heard so many bad stories of people coming out to their parents. It usually involves very conservative parents that are stubborn enough in their beliefs that they don't even care about the survival of their own child, and sometimes assume that their child has been taken from them simply by being trans. They usually have to be cut off.
And my hopes weren't helped by the fact that my parents generally have more conservative opinions and watch quite a few right wing news shows like GB News and stuff like that. I always thought they'd react in a similar way and I've had to hide it so hard. However that's not what happened at all.
I was already venting about an unrelated issue in my life to my mom and it got to me talking about not being able to express myself, and she asked me "is there anything you'd like to say? Who is the real (old name)?" in a really nice, comforting way. I worked up so much nerve and emotions and just thought, f*ck it I'm just gonna let it out, I can't continue living inauthentically (I'm out to other people but at least one of my parents is home 24/7 and there's cameras at the front door because my parents are crazy about security, so I haven't been able to go out as a girl).
It felt like I'd opened the flood gates to Atlantropa (really interesting proposal btw to dam the Mediterainian). I was crying more than I'd ever done and my mom straight away said "that's completely fine!". I responded "Is that okay?" while crying my eyes out and she said "yes, of course it is! It doesn't matter in the slightest to me what you choose to do with your life, I'm always going to be here to support you whatever happens, I just want you to be happy". I was filled with so much joy that the tears of sadness inverted into tears of happines. We discussed more about it and she was talking about how brave it is for people to come out and how things used to be so much worse back in the day for acceptence. She was way more knowledgable on this stuff that I ever would have expected. Genuinely such a pleasant suprise considering what I'd assumed would have happened. I actually told her that I was worried I was gonna be kicked out and she just laughed at the absurdity of doing that because she would never consider anything like that. We then talked about wearing girl clothes and make up and stuff and she was so supportive of that too.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a positive story because I know a lot of people have bad experiences, which is completely valid and I feel for anyone who has had a bad one, but those experiences are in the minority because people are much more likely to share when something goes wrong than well. So if anyone reading is scared to come out, remember that people can be more accepting that you think, even if they are more conservative.

Money doesn’t buy happines certainly is a big lie, because Burning Man exists. I’ve spent a total of 1500$ on this experience, including the ticket,tent,sleeping bag,ride there,food etc. and it was and will be the best thing I’ve ever bought with my money. My mind could not comprehend that Black Rock City was a real place because it was crazier than any dream I had, a place where you can ACTUALLY be yourself, where following the rules is cool because the rules are cool,where you can be as expressive as you want, nothing is crazy,in fact, CRAZY is the name of the game, I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!!!
As you can tell, this was my first burn, but holy fuck was I not ready for this experience… The first description I got about BM was very odd, a friend of mine came to me and said ,,Yo,did you know about this festival where you sell your clothes for drugs”. I didn’t belive him so I searched it on google and started to read on and on about it, watching yt videos, this reddit, everything, so after realizing that the first description was a bit off, I became obsessed with getting a ticket. If everything I read was true, I knew Black Rock City is where I belong.
I had the most amazing time of my life and I have met the most beautiful people in this world and this made me realize that there is still good on the planet, you just have to look hard for it ufortunately…
Coming from an undeveloped country it was a bit of a challange adapting to all the kindness and customs present at BM. I was very skeptical when I received my first gift and I was thinking: What’s the catch? My mom always thought me to be on edge with every single person I meet but as soon as I got the hang of the ecosystem I felt like home and none of the cruel unwritten words from the real world apply at BM(mostly). I could be as loving and nice as I always wanted without being afraid that people would take advantage of me (a thing that often happens irl)
Since I left Burning Man, I could not think of anything else, reason why I want to explore the Playa even further through all the burners willing to help me. I’m a sociology student and this year I have to write my BA thesis and I chose Burning Man as my subject.
The thing with sociology is that it can be pretty hard to come up with a correct question which is essential to put my thesis into practice and I am still struggling with this at the moment. Initially my first question was ,, How does Burning man impact people’s identity and how can these changes be further investigated to further unveil the social ant cultural impact of this event” but this is a bad question sociologically speaking (that s what my professor told me).
So as you can see I am still trying to figure things out regarding the question and this is the reason why I am here: I am humbly asking for your help regarding my thesis. I had such a life changing experience after leaving BM, I was motivated to spread the love and pure positive energy everywhere else and I am sure I was not the only one that left burning man with this mindset and that s exactly what I want to explore but my brain is so overwhelmed by the abundance of things I could write about…That being said I am looking forward to receiving impressions, feedback or any kind of help really. Also, I plan on taking some interviews at some point so If any burners want to be interviewed I would be more than happy. Thank you and happy burn!

I feel like I am dying for a quite long time. Everyday I don't feel that I have reasons to stand up from my bed. I have lack of happines. I feel it of course, but not that much as "sadness" or emptiness. I avoid people (maybe not everyday and I have people with which I must spend my time), especially my long distance friends. I really dont't know who I am and how to express everything what I feel inside me. I feel like never enough trash, no matter what I do. I fight with this feeling by doing stuff. I have big passion for art. I love playing on instruments or writting. But I usually thinking that I am not enough for that. I listen to music almost all the time, this is my only escape. I have a lot of great ideas in my mind. I really wanted to write a book. A book with all my ideas with everything what I feel inside but as a story. I was a victim of violence as a Child. Still I feel that people don't treat my right and this is the reason why I don't spend time with them. But I don't want my life to look like this. I world like to be happy and doing things what I love without worries. But I feel great pain inside and I don't know how long I can copy with it. It's too long for me. I only wanted to not feel that anymore. What's happening to me? Should I be worried?
Sorry for my English. I'm not that bad at it, but I still practice. Thank you for Reading this.

Hey guys, i don’t really know how to start this, don’t even know if i’m gonna post this, but here goes nothing. I don’t really know what i am seeking trough this, but i’ve been struggling with my mother, and i just kinda want to see, if how i am feeling is justified. We never really had a perfect relationship, going back to my childhood i don’t recall if she ever told me she loved me, or at least liked me. She was never physicaly abusive, i got the ocasional slap, but nothing really bad. It all seemed to start when i started high school. Nothing was ever enough, got an A from a test? Well that was just a small test. Graduated? Well that was just high school. Recently i graduated college, which is perceived as one of the hardest ones in my country. All she said was how much money it cost her to put me trough it. Nothing is ever enough, she belittles everything i do, to the point where i wasn’t even happy that i graduated. I honestly struggled to feel almost anything for the last…i dont even know. Can’t remember the last time i cried. She belittles not only anything i achieve, but me, to the point where even her friends have to stand up for me, cause she calls me an idiot, asshole even dickhead and such in front of all of them and me. It’s gotten to a point where i dont know if i can actually feel joy or happines. After graduating i was happy for maybe 5 minutes. I am having a very hard time expressing pretty much any feeling, aside from anger, i was told i am funny, but i am starting to feel like that i am just a sad dude, trying to mask everything with humor. Recently my temper has gotten worse, i started having even more trouble sleeping, i honestly just don’t even know who i am, or what i want. But at the same time i feel like she’s my mom and i shouldn’t even be writting this, that somehow i am just an ungrateful little asshole like she says. I don’t know. But this has been kinda therapeutic. Even if nobody reads it, it was nice to vent a little. But in case you got this far, do you think my feelings about all this are justified? Thanks

Im 21, Mexican, and dont have a perfect english, Im one year way from finishing college in a deegre in mechatronics, I have good grades, a loving family and caring friends, but recentry got a job and Im feeling like shit, Im gonna give a lot of context of my life because I think is necessary.
I also have a problem with feeling insecure and insufficient in pretty much everything, this is (I think) because of a relationship I had in high-school which is up until right now the best relantioship I have ever had, also the longest one, despite her cheating on me by the end and getting angry at the me when I found out, telling me a lot of things like "you never loved me enough", "you never trusted me", "you dont deserve to be with me", etc, this also caused me to be obssesed with having a relationship like the one I had with her again, failing multiple times, always getting rejected or getting relationships that never last that long, I have received reasons such as: you are insecure, I dont feel a physical conection with you, I got bored, I dont want to dissapoint you, etc, another reason why I think I feel insufficiente is my family, they love me a lot but because of certain things that happened during the pandemic sometimes I find my mother crying and asking me if I think she is a good mother, or my father literally asking me "Do you love me?", and they overprotected me up until I reached 17 years of age, also I dont feel a conection with them, I love them a lot and care about them a lot, but I dont see them as friends or people with whom I can express freely.
(this next part is a little bit NSFW, but I tried to keep it as much family friendly as possible)Felling insecure and inssuficient made me go into discord to roleplay as a femboy, to feel like Im usefull to someone, this became an adiction for 8 months, doing it multiple times per day until I stopped before going out with a man to have sex, not completely, but stopped doing it so often, doing only roleplay not real life stuff, this is because I really wanted to improve myself, so I watched a lot of videos of this channel and others, and tried to fix my life by meditating daily, which helped me to sleep better, not taking one hour and a half to fall asleep, only 30 minutes, going to the gym 5 days per week, which made me proud of my physique for the first time in my life, I started reading every day and finished a couple of books, started a youtube channel (which is my dream job) with a video that gave me 15 subscribers and a comment from a stranger saying "this is peak youtube", I also learned how to play the guitar and started to play the piano again, bought two guinea pigs and kept myself occupied by cleaning their house, giving them food, taking care of them basically, I also started to pay more attention on how I look, buying clothes I like and taking care of my hair, this made me very happy because now people complement my style and hair, and I also like to look in the mirror now, and finally I learned how to be a dungeon master in dungeons and dragons to play with my friends, which they like to play as much as I do, all of this while going to college from 3pm to 9:40pm, having an average grade of 93 out of 100 (one of the highest of my generation) and sleeping 8 to 6 hours per day, and playing videogames, I kept this lifestyle for 10 months, until I stopped doing all of that when I started working.
One day I met a girl, and that of course made me very happy, during those two weeks of extreme happines before she tossed me away a friend recomended me to work as a teacher, and I said yes, its only 18 hours per week, divided in 4 days and they pay well, 6 hours I give robotics to elementary school, the rest I give technology to middle school, I have been in that job for one month and a half and I feel like shit because I dont have time anymore, my life 4 days a week is wake up at 7am, go to work at 9am, and come back to my house at 10pm, to have dinner and go to sleep because I want to have 6 or 8 hours of sleep, and the other 3 days is doing all the homework I didnt have time to do, playing ideogames a little bit, spendig time with my family, sometimes going out with friends, and thats it, I also hate giving classes to elementary school, its very stressfull, I think you need to be a certain type of person to do that and Im not that type of person, what should I do?.
The only reason Im still working or I havent told them I dont want to give classes to elementary school anymore is because I feel it is a sacrifice that I have to make to have money and experience, and that experience will end up making me a self-confident man capable of coping with life, and stop doing so would be a sign of weakness and that Im not capable enough, Im also distracted because of work, stressed all the time, I dont really have time to feel bad about myself, only in weekends, and every weekend that sentiment increases, I really want to tell them that I only want to give classes to middle school, because I truly enjoy that, but I dont want to get fired trying, and that would also give me extra time to do the things I like, finally, I feel that all of this will affect my grades, and I need the to obtain my deegre, I have talked about this with my family and friends, and they all say thats a good idea, but I also want an opinion from strangers that arent biased or something like that, and this channel helped me a lot before and I hope its community can help me a lot now, I will answer any question you may have.

Hey Everyone,
I'm very much new here so I do apologize that I'm an amatuer and do not know the lingo/terminology of things. Up until this whole situation I was always very much monogamous and everything apart from that felt so far from my own values so you can imagine how I felt when I honestly never looked for this and fell in love with a man that...was already married with a wife who's pregnant.
I want to stress that I love this man so, so much. I'm in love with him and he is literally everything I have ever wanted personality wise in a man as a Husband (for myself in genreal). No man has every made me feel so incredibly loved, respected, honored, treasured, cherished, lusted over, desired deeply and more. He always made me feel like I'm worth something. I felt so secure with him. We always laughed that we're both Gemini's and it blew my mind what a secret it was that as a woman, the best match I could ever have is another Gemini! (because all my life it seemed like you're supposed to match with other signs in general); it felt like this hidden secret NO one tells you! lol. I've never met a man like him that so deeply nourished my soul, stimulated my intellectual side, is funny, and what I really absolutely loved about him was that we could talk for HOURS about everything and anything we wanted! I was so elated how fun it was all of a sudden to talk to a man about "girly" things and how much fun we had - even talking about fashion and jewlery. I had so much fun. It felt like we were a married couple. Every single day I was so grateful to talk to him and even when we didn't get to talk (both/either was too busy) - we were so happy to catch up later and just be together. Everyday talking to him, I couldn't help but skip through the house, smiling just thinking about him. Even whilst doing mundane things like washing veggies, I couldn't help but smile lovingly and think about him. He made me sooo happy when he came into my life that all of a sudden I could wake up everyday with a smile and was always so looking forward to spend time with him. Along the way, although we both felt it, he was the first one to express that he feels that we're soulmates and that I'm his soulmate and needless to say I expressed the same back...I had never felt such an intense and deeply emotional, soul mate conncection as with him. I never knew one could have such a deep bond with a man.
For backround, I'm 31F and he's 39M. When we met, he was very "organized" and from the get go said "we're only talking as friends". I though, oh interesting he's setting a firm boundry with me from the get go (I was not flirty at all and if anything very civil imo and polite) and then I did some research and found out that he's married with a wife. I asked and he confirmed (there were already pics anyways). Along the way, we both grew very close with each other and needless to say grew feelings towards each other. I want to stress that I honestly didn't look to fall in love with anyone but things just happened. I could tell he kept pushing the bounderies somewhat and although I wanted to as well because my feelings grew deeper for him - I was the one that was always SUPER nervous and kept saying "are you sure this is okay?!" when he got more and more flirty and without fail he kept assuring me yes, it's fine you can do this and that. I tried to trust him and as time went on, we fell in love with each other. In the beginning of all of this, he shared with me that his wife is pregnant (they'd only found out!) and he said I was the first to know - before his family nor hers. I was of course honored and he said he was very happy to share with me first. Along the way he has shared that he'd be honored to have me be in their babie's life.
Then fast forward a few weeks, one day I just broke down and felt super guilty for everything (everyday I felt super guilty like I was doing something wrong because I do believe in monogamy and honestly felt like I was a bad person) so I broke down and had a long heart to heart with him and I told him that if I were there in front of him right now (we live far away from one another) - I'd be on my knees begging for forgivness and saying sorry for everything and saying how incredibly guilty I feel and that I'm so sorry to him for flirting with him and talking sexually with him even though he always assured me it's fine and I said I'm so sorry to your wife and I'm so sorry to your baby. I felt like I was being so innappropritate and disrespecting everyone and felt so guilty. Then, he did everything to reassure me and say I'm completely fine and that EVERYTHING is CONSENTUAL between the 3 of us (so him, his wife and me). That she knows EVERYTHING essentially and is fine with it. It felt like that's what I needed to hear and I suddenly felt more calm and he said you have permission, don't worry. So I tried to calm down and let it go and trust him. I was baffled how she could be so chill with the whole situation, especially pregnant - he said well she's liberal (that's how tried to explain it and not we're not American). Again I was baffled as I'm a very jealous woman but I tried to accept it and be grateful she even lets me enjoy her partner in that way.
And, to make it more interesting? once she knew I was so upset over everything and feeling guilty...SHE WAS THE ONE to tell him - love her MORE, give her (me) MORE time, spend more time with HER, treat her very well and LOVE her the way you give LOVE TO A WOMAN. Basically, love her the way a man loves a woman. He shared all this with me and I was floored by her and her generiousty. Again, so incredible grateful. But baffled...why? I couldn't undertstand her motive and felt bad like look at her, I could never be like this woman. But again, grateful...
One day, he shared with me that she was very, very jealous over his interactions that he was having all day long over multiple women on the phone because of a side work thing (has to do with politics, he had to take calls and apparently they were all women). She got very jealous to the point where she told him point out blank that she forbids him to have any sex outside of the marriage. No sex at all. When he told me this, I immediatly perked up and said oh I'm so sorry she's feeling upset and jealous and I'm so sorry if I did anything wrong to make her jealous (even though I knew it was cause of these woman specfically but I already felt guilty anyhow) - at first, he thought she meant me as well (no sex outside marriage boundery) but after checking up with her, he came back to me and said that no, he was mistaken and that I'm very much not included and if anything according to her I'm excluded and special and none of this applies to me because "I passed the test" even though "there never was one" and she added that "the fact that you cared so much to apologize even though it wasn't about you, shows me you cared and that you're not like these other women that do not care). Again, I was beyond grateful...
There was this other incident with me this time, where he always joked about me watching some reality tv and he knew I was invested in this one show and there was this episode that got me all emotonal because it made me think of him and all the love I have towards him. I shared that with him in a message, something along the lines of I saw this and I coudln't help but think of you all throughout and I love you so much. To be honest I just expected a "I love yout too!" response back (like always) and didn't think too much of it. So I sent that and went to bed. I found out later that he'd responded but also responded again apologizing for being cold about his previous initial response and made so an additional one to the former. In his initial response he basically said that he loves me as well and appreciates how I feel but that we cannot actualize our love (fully be together romantically, actually get married ect) and he added more things I think but it's too painful now to go back and read it. That was his initial response. Then he apologized saying that he's sorry he came off so cold and that he didn't mean to and that he was suffering from a headache and expressed that he's grateful I love him so much and that he appreciates it and it makes him feel so nice and desired. I read all this but my heart was already feeling some time of way. Just hurt and dissapointed. Obviously I already KNEW all this but having it spelled out for you like that...how can you not feel a type of way? so I expressed that I understood everything but I'm feeling hurt and feeling a type of way. He really took it to heart that I was so hurt over things. He was getting ready for dinner with his wife (they were going to meet up with her sister) and he tried to be affectionate with me and said he's sending me hugs and kisses. Although I appreciated it but because I was still feeling hurt, I half joked and asked if these are my kisses after the slap? (the emotional slap to my cheek prior) - he immediately felt so bad that I was deeply hurt by his initial words and apologized profusely. Later that evening, he even messaged me and wanted us to talk to smooth things out and I could tell it was hard for him the way we were. I regret doing this but my heart couldn't talk to him so I talked to him only the next day (I had since apologized for how I acted). He said he isn't calm about how things are between us and really wants to make things right between us and that it was hard to sleep and he couldn't calm his heart. He kept apologizing profusely and my heart felt better over things and I accepted his apologies, of course. We patched things up and were happy. But, my heart still felt a certain type of way and I had days where I cried over things (with myself) but then tried to be grateful to even have him in my life and all the joy and loves he gives me.
I want to stress that he was always so serious about me, constantly wanting to spend quality time with me (we live apart from one another so he'd have to travel up to me), expressing about how he wanted to meet my family and my father (in an adorable way he'd always say how he'd promise to make sure to dress nice for them and be super groomed) and make a good impression. He also really wanted to have us spend time together in a hotel for a few days (stressing that he's not looking for anything exclussively sexual and would never do it the first night - I'm also a virgin) and just wanted to spend quality, romantic time with me. On days where we'd talk every night before bed, and he was feeling like something wasn't perfect per se - he couldn't go to bed unless he made sure we were okay first and even when we were, sometimes he'd even come back and make sure again because he felt it in his heart that he wasn't calm over something ect. Basically, he was always so serious and caring with me and it never failed to warm my heart and love him that much MORE.
I feel like I need to add this, and although we never fought about it apart from me half-joking about it being a bit...wrong I guess, he basically always calls me his best friend. But in our language (we speak 2 languages with each other)... it feels devoid of any emotional and romantic ties per se and I joked with him sometimes that he KNOWS I'm more than a friend because we speak to each other the way couples speak to one another. And so I tease him that we're not just "friends". We're more than that. Along the way I tried to let it go and just be grateful and realize that I'm kind of arguing against sementics but realize that it also ties to why I was so upset about that converstation of us, according to him, "not being able to actualize our love fully".
Fast forward to today, 7+ weeks ago he came to me one evening and suddenly shared something with me that absoltuely broke my heart. Words will never do it justice to how deeply he broke my heart with this converation. Ever since then, my heart has been beyond heartbroken over this man. What happened was, he came to me and had to have the "breakup" conversation with me because of his wife (he wasn't the one to want to breakup with me). Apparrently, and of course I don't know every single detail but she found out that her father had talked with this woman (it seems like in the past) and she thought it was friendly talk all this long and found out that was more I guess (?) and she was very, very upset and mad and...I guess felt very insecure and theartened by me (even though he never said it word for word) and they had a lot of conversations between them (the man I love and his wife) and she said she was scared and upset that he'd leave her. So she/they (?) decided that he cannot speak to me sexually anymore including not speaking to me with emotion or romantic talk. I know that if it not for her deciding this, then things would have continued as normal. I was very, very upset for days and weeks and still very much am. I feel the very same I felt that evening he had the breakup conversation with me. I obviously NEVER inteded to ever take him from her. And, she knew exactly the nature of the realtionship. She even ENCOURAGED IT. I know I need to respect her boundry and wishes but this has been incredibly hard for me as I am so heartbroken over this man.
The first few weeks were especially tough as he was "harder" on me in the sense where he wasn't showing me the emotion I wanted and was more stern with me. In his defence he has gotten softer with me the past 3 weeks or so and shown more emotion but it just doesn't feel the same. Nothing feels the same as it was. I cling to every word showing more love and affection from him, but my heart wishes and wants to much more.
I feel filled with heartkbreak and a lot of emotional pain over the whole situation. Losing him and everything I had with him. Everything we had together. I feel consumed with thoughts of him and cannot let him go no matter how hard I try to distract myself. I also feel so jealous over her, and angry, resentful even. That she took away the happiness he gave me so lovingly. That he gets to go back to her and I am left heartbroken. I couldn't understand why she ever said such things to him for me (that I stated above - loving me MORE, giving me more time, allowing me to have him in such an intimate, emotional and romantic ways) and yet rip it away. Obviously logically I undertand but emotionally my heart is broken.
Almost 2 weeks ago, he posted a pic of the both of them for the holidays and he had his arm around her with his hand resting fondly and lovingly on her shoulder. I immediatly regretting seeing the pic (I just thought it was a normal story with saying good holidays, I wasn't looking to get hurt)...and my heart felt consumed by all the feelings that flooded me. It was the first time I saw both of them together in the last 7 weeks and I just couldn't.
Every single day I feel consumed with emotional pain over everything. There were days where I tried to make an effort and prepare a meal (I only eat once a day) and after all the effort, I just look at my food and burst out crying over everything all over again at cannot eat, at those times. The past few days the pain felt too much and I tried to escape through sleeping. I haven't been able to feel emotional relief over the situation for even a second the past 7+ weeks. I miss him so much, I miss everything we had. I miss the joy he was able to give me. I miss everything I wanted to give him as well of course. I constantly find myself reminiscing about happy times with him and all the special and intimate feelings he made me feel with the love he gave me. I am baffled how a man can be like this with me with how we were, and now this. I tell him that it feels like it happened overnight because it did. Again, he made me feel so secure that it makes things even more painful for me.
Like I said, I never saw this coming with him as he made me feel SO secure and both of us never even imagined this happining. That being said, I know he's a big boy and a grown man and the fact that he co-signed with his wife on this decision is also proof for me that he's chosen her over me (in my heart). Even though he said he doesn't want both the women that he loves to be hurting. And I understand he co-signed with her out of respect of him wanting to respect her bounderies I guess. But it still hurts. I feel angry towards him as well and frustrated. He has stated that he fought for us (before the decision) but she wasn't willing to have any of it. He said she wasn't willing to have any of it to the point where she thinks everyone are liars. Although I understand logically, I just feel like she's projected all her pain over her father and his actions...over me. It hurts I have no say whatsoever.
I do not understand her motivations & motives for even having me in the realtionship in the very first place. Especially while pregnant. She knew everything from the get go, and obviously I would have NEVER taken her Husband. I respect that she's so hurt and I understand that I need to respect her bounderies and I'm trying the best that I can but I just don't understand why do something like this to me. I feel like I'm a toy that's been played with for his amusement and fun, and when he doesn't have permission to play with me anymore (by her) - I am tossed aside like I was nothing. I have since expressed these feelings and pain with him and he has since apologized for all the pain he's caused me and stated that of course he never saw me as a toy and that of course I'm not one and he never planned for any of this to happen (to break up with me, what happened with his wife). We both, he and I - never wanted this.
I want to stress that I'm so sorry I'm more than likely coming across so selfish in this post but words are sadly NOT doing it justice by how incredibly I am hurt over him and all this. I cannot express to you how much joy and happiness he has brought into my life and so much hope ever since I met him. All to have it all stripped away without ANY SAY from my side. Again, I know we should all respect bounderies and like I said I'm trying my best but at the end of the day they have each other and their marriage and I'm the one that gets the brunt of being hurt. I cannot express to you how secure he's made me feel that we both didn't imagine this to happen. Like I said I feel so hurt and jealous and angry and resentful and it feels aweful to say all this as of course I also feel ashamed to feel all these intense emotions but I cannot help it.
If I could at least feel even a bit of emotional relief over the situation then at least that's something but like I have expressed I have not been able to feel even 1 second of emotonal relief for the past 7+ weeks ever since this all happned. I am genuinely suffering and constantly in a lot of emotional pain. I also feel suicidal and it's been so hard on my heart and soul, this heartbreak over this man and everything we had.
I know this sounds pathetic and I do not regeret it but I told him that I'm in so much emotional pain that if I were physically close to him I would literally beg on my knees, with my hands together and humbly beg with tears to have what we had again. I would do it every single time without question, in a heartbeat, it it means I could have him in my life again the way we were. I know it's easy to read this and judge but imagine how much pain I'm in for me to feel this way. He has of course said he'd lift me up and not let me do that.
Please, let me know your perspective on this whole situation. I just really, really need an outside perspective and even more so from professional poly people. And, any tips on what to do with all this emotional pain? I cannot afford therapy.
Thank you so much...

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