Foot on scrotum

Over the last couple months I've had an onset of a lot of similar symptoms seen around here. Burning pain that seems to move around my perineum, anus and scrotum, made much worse by sitting along with lots of twitching and spasming in that area.
Now that I'm paying much more attention to my body, flexibility and muscle tightness, I've noticed that over the years when sitting in a chair , I cross my left leg over my right knee. But what I'm realizing now is that when I try to do this with the opposite leg, I can't even get my right foot passed my left knee to cross it over, it's just extremely tight and painful on my right hip. Could this cause some type of pelvic floor dysfunction or nerve irritation ?

On Wednesday afternoon, as I walked back to the English department building from The Corner Cafe’ with Neil’s coffee, I mentally went through the various steps I had read on-line about how to curtsy. I planned to practice later in my office as well as that evening after Brooke and Luke went to sleep. Brooke had given me a new pair white lace fashion tights that morning that I wore under my khakis. The nylon and lace combination against my skin made me feel especially submissive. And I was still wearing the damned choker for the third day in row.
I decided that women’s tights were not designed for long walks; I had to keep pulling them up and adjusting them as I walked (as inconspicuously as possible).
Neil’s door was open when I walked up. I looked around the hall to see if anyone saw me bringing in the coffee (not that they would know it wasn’t mine, although I was not known to be a big coffee drinker — I tended to favor tea or even Diet Coke for my caffeine).
“Hey, pal.”
“Hi, Neil. Here’s your coffee. I also got you a blueberry muffin. I figured you’re not an a diet, so I thought you might enjoy it.”
“Thanks. Muffins are full of carbs and empty calories. But I did swim laps for an hour this morning, so I guess it’s okay. You didn’t have one, too, did you?”
“Are you kidding? I had an apple.”
In fact, I ate my apple sitting across the table from Brooke as she enjoyed the toasted everything bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon I had prepared for her, my stomach growling. I wondered if Neil would offer to repay me for the coffee and muffin. He didn’t, that day or in the future, which surprised me. I continue to genuinely like Neil, although many things about him have turned out to surprise me. Perhaps he thought that not paying me back was all part of enhancing my knowledge of masochism or something.
“Good man. Well, we should probably close the door so you can get started.”
I closed the door. His office wasn’t very large so there was only a small area next to his desk chair for me to work.
“What if someone just comes in?,” I said.
“Everyone always knocks when the door is closed, especially when the light is on. But even if someone did, it’s not like you’re giving me a blowjob.” He laughed. “It’s just a foot massage, no big deal.”
Objectively that was true, I suppose, but I felt that was easy for him to say, as the recipient of the massage. Foot massages were happening in nail salons, spas and massage parlors throughout the country at that very moment, without any suggestion of impropriety or anything sexual. Still, at least to a masochist like me, there was just something so fundamentally submissive about the act of kneeling in front someone and massaging the lowest part of their body. Call it the dirty mind of a masochist, I guess.
And sure enough, as I got down on my knees in front of my colleague, my cock began to throb in its cage. At times such as this, I was actually grateful to be locked up. I looked up at Neil, waiting for him to take off his brown, leather shoes (Rockports, I believe). But, as he made no move to do so – I guess Luke had conditioned him to expect the full service treatment from me – I untied his laces and removed his shoes. Meanwhile, he munched on his muffin. More stomach growls of envy from me.
“Would you like me to do the massage with your socks on or off?”
“Oh, definitely off. Just the way you did it at your place.”
I removed his socks and began doing some warm-up twists, and then rubbing the arch of his right foot. While Neil’s feet did not have the chiseled appearance of Luke’s, they were not unattractive for male feet – although they definitely could use some moisturizer. I made a mental note to bring some with me next week (as much for my own comfort as his).
“Man, that feels good.” he sighed contentedly. “Three back-to-back classes are killer.”
Neil and l actually had a pleasant conversation as I worked on his feet. We spent some time discussing my book. For my chapter covering 19th and 20th century fiction, I wanted his insight on Patrick Hamilton’s novel, Hangover Square, which, while not overtly about cuckolding, was certainly about a serious male masochist. Hamilton’s protagonist essentially becomes a simp to a manipulative failed actress who he is in love with and her fascist boyfriend. Suffering from dissociative identity disorder (and alcoholism), he eventually goes on a murderous rampage against his tormentors.
Some readers of my tale may either needlessly worry, or foolishly wish, that I will go on a murderous rampage against Luke and/or Brooke. That, of course, is beyond preposterous. First, I am not mentally ill. Second, I love Brooke and, but for erotic and obsessive love, I know that she loves me. Third, the relationship I have entered into with Luke and Brooke is one I pledged to do as a condition of marrying Brooke and keeping her in my life. I did it with full free will; I stay in it with full free will. Fourth, I have enough self awareness to know that another reason that I stay in the relationship is because it satisfies some deep masochistic need in me. Brooke saw this need in me before I saw it myself (I’ve always known that she is far smarter than I). Some no doubt believe I am totally devoid of self respect and despise me for my passivity, for not taking dramatic steps to end my subjugation. I would counter that someone who resorts to violence is far more pathetic and lacking in self respect than I.
Paul and Anna are a somewhat different story, as there is an element of coercion involved. But violence as a remedy is still unthinkable to me. And I have to admit that, like Brooke, I too have been caught up in “the game.” My brain is my biggest sexual organ by far (it doesn’t have much competition, admittedly), and I’m excited (both sexually and intellectually) to see how far they will take things. You probably have to be a masochist to understand...
To those readers who are sincerely worried about me and my mental health, I say: thank you, I genuinely appreciate your concern. One never knows for sure, but I think that I’ll be okay. To those handful of judgmental readers who loathe me because I’m not doing what they believe they would do in similar circumstances, who despise me because I don’t conform to their oversimplified concept of manhood – you know who you are – by forcefully taking matters into my own hands in some dramatic manner, I say: get over yourselves. I am not you; I’m me. And I’m probably more of a man than many of you are even when I’m dressed in a garter belt, stockings and a maid’s cap, trying ineptly to curtsy to my superiors. But I digress.
Neil and I also discussed his upcoming tenure process. I assured him that he would have my full support in the consultation and subsequent letter of recommendation. I had just wrapped up his 45-minute massage with gentle squeezes to the tips of each of his toes and was about to put his socks and shoes back on his feet when there was a knock on the door. I quickly stood up and stepped to the other side of Neil’s desk.
“Come in,” said Neil.
The door opened and Paul Betz walked in. Neil’s feet were under his desk, but his shoes and socks were lying in plain view on the floor next to him. A bit odd for a cold December day. Knowing Paul as I was beginning to, I was fairly certain that it did not escape his attention.
“Hi, Professor Lawson. Professor Rollins,” he nodded at me, with a faint smile.
Hi, Paul,” said Neil warmly.
“Hi, Paul. I was just leaving,” I said.
“See you later, pal. Thanks a bunch,” said Neil, as I left the room.
Luke was back Wednesday night, and was actually in an unusually good mood, having signed a letter of intent to acquire a company in Indiana, the next frontier of his expanding empire. I cooked them grilled salmon, asparagus and wild rice, while I had a few pieces of salmon in my salad.
As I served Luke a third Yuengling and Brooke a third glass of wine, Luke said, “That was a damn good dinner, prof. I tell you what. I’m in such a good mood tonight, I’m going to let you have a glass of wine so we can all toast my new deal. Get yourself a glass.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”
After I filled my glass with Pinot Gris, Brooke raised her glass and said, “To Hanover HVAC and Plumbing!” After we clinked our glasses, she said to Luke, “Ok, babe, it’s been three days, and I’m hornier than hell. Take me upstairs now, please.”
“Hold your horses, baby. Let’s finish our drinks first.”
Brooke downed her glass and said, “Okay, I’m done.”
“Think of your husband, here. He finally gets to have a drink with us and you’re rushing him.”
“Since you’re in such a good mood, babe, maybe he could join us – in bed. What do you think?”, Brooke asked him.
“Why not? Cuck, do you have any boxer shorts left?”
“Walter only wore tighty whiteys before I made him switch to panties and tights. I only let him keep two pairs of his old underwear.”
“Go, put on your tighty whiteys, prof, and we’ll meet you in the bedroom. You can take your glass of wine with you.”
Well, this was different. I went upstairs and undressed, removing the fashion tights I had been wearing all day under my pants, and put on a pair of my old underwear.
When they came upstairs, Brooke started laughing loudly when she saw me. ”I’m sorry to laugh, Walter. It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve seen you in men’s underwear. Even those. It just doesn’t seem natural.” I had to admit, it did feel strange wearing them after all this time. Still, the humiliation of Brooke’s words (and her accompanying smile) caused my cock to throb.
“Kneel down and get the key from Brooke’s anklet and I’ll unlock you.”
I did as he commanded, growing instantly hard the moment he unlocked me and tenting out my tight, white cotton briefs. Meanwhile, they both stripped as well. Luke was completely naked and Brooke was naked except for a pair of white ankle socks. As much as I loved her bare feet, it was incredibly sexy to see her wearing only the socks (and the anklet). Brooke then spread lubricant all over Luke’s hardening cock as she kissed him passionately.
Luke next ordered me to lie down on the bed, and easily picked Brooke up, placing her on her knees over me at the edge of the bed. To be more precise, she faced the other direction from me and her vagina and lovely bottom were right above my neck. Standing next to the bed, he then penetrated her anally, his cock and scrotum inches above my face, causing her to moan.
“Lick my balls, cuck.”
I began licking his balls as he went in and out of Brooke. As she rocked back and forth, she used one of her hands to pull my briefs down, so that her long hair brushed tantalizingly against my liberated cock. It was a wonderful feeling. At one point, Luke pulled completely out of her, and placed his wet, glistening cock in my mouth for me to suck. I couldn’t tell if the evident moisture was the lubricant, Luke’s sweat or Brooke’s anal secretions; it was probably some combination of the three.
I was my usual conflicted self as I took him in my mouth. Humiliated, certainly. Disgusted, no doubt. But also incredibly aroused, and somewhat grateful to be included to this degree in their intimacy – which was highly unusual.
My arousal only increased when Brooke said, “Keep him hard for me.” Following her command, I sucked him with increased fervor.
Whereas I often suffer from premature ejaculation, Luke is the complete opposite. He has the ability to go on and on, and then go on longer. It leaves me in awe, to be honest. Whatever I think of his personality, his character, his politics, his taste in music, etc., I can not help but be in awe of his physical prowess and dominance. I told myself, this man, this cock – which gives my wife so much pleasure, which fulfills some primal need of hers – is worthy of worship, so you better suck it up. Figuratively as well as literally. And that’s what I did.
He next ordered me to get on my knees next to the bed. Reaching his arm under Brooke’s waist, he flipped her over like a ragdoll onto her back, and entered her vaginally.
As if reading my mind, she said, “Yeah, baby, I’m your fuck doll.”
“Lick my fuck doll’s feet, cuck.”
From my knees, I licked her feet all over, listening to her moan in ecstasy as he moved in and out of her. Because of his good mood, perhaps, Luke was less brutal with Brooke than usual. He was forceful, of course, but there was no slapping and only a little hair pulling and nipple twisting. He did tease her, however. Even though I had counted at least three orgasms, I believe she was on the precipice of her fourth, when Luke pulled out of her. He hovered above her, his cock just outside of the threshold of her pussy. She thrust her pelvis up towards it, but he lifted himself still higher, denying her.
“Please baby, I’m so close.”
“You’re are a greedy, little slut, aren’t you?”
“Yes, baby, I’m your greedy, little fuck doll. Please baby, please put your glorious cock back inside me.”
“But you’re getting your feet licked. What about me?”
“Walter! Lick his feet! now! Please baby, please give me more.”
I started licking Luke’s left foot, hanging off the edge of the bed, with the same intensity I had applied to Brooke’s a moment earlier. He continued to tease her, however, inserting the tip of his cock into her and then stopping.
“Oh, gawd, Luke, please. I’m begging you.” She sounded on the verge of crying.
“I don’t know, babe. Maybe if my toes were being sucked, that might motivate me.”
“Walter, suck his toes!”
So, I did, of course. Luke was clearly enjoying the power trip of tying Brooke’s pleasure to my debasement.
Suddenly, he ordered her to get up from the bed. He then sat down on it, and instructed her to sit down on his cock, but facing outwards towards me, so that her legs basically rested atop his.
“Lick your wife’s pussy.” Following his command, I licked her just above where she bounced up and down on his cock, again grateful for the intimacy. Grateful to be included, even in my subservient, supplemental role as oral servant. After she screamed out in what was obviously yet another orgasm, Luke commanded me, “Now lick my shaft.”
After another five minutes or so, during which I dutifully licked him, Luke lifted her off him, stood up and – finally ready to ejaculate – pumped his semen prodigiously onto Brooke’s face.
“Time to kiss your wife, prof.” Which I did, our lips touching through Luke’s mess.
After I cleaned up and the three of us showered, we all watched a thriller on cable, the two of them curled up together on the couch, eating the popcorn I had made. I lied down on the floor at their feet, eating my own bowl of popcorn, occasionally feeling Brooke’s socked foot tousle my hair. All in all, one of the most pleasant evenings the three of us had ever spent together – at least from my perspective. Little did I realize at the time that that would be the last time three of us would spend together for awhile and that it marked a turning point in our – or, to be more precise – in Brooke’s and Luke’s relationship.
That night after they went to sleep, I practiced curtsying in front of the mirror in my bedroom in the basement. Tomorrow was to be my first extended service to Paul and Anna, apparently with my other student, Kelly, and her boyfriend as their guests. The next step in my ever widening public humiliation.
Whether he simply forgot, in the glow of his good mood, or was feeling particularly generous, Luke did not lock me back up that evening. I rubbed myself through my panties as I lay down in bed that night, too timid to actually masturbate lest Luke suddenly realize what he had overlooked.
The combination of my unsatisfied arousal and my anxiety about the next day prevented me from sleeping well that night. Luke was already gone when I woke up the next morning. Brooke was still asleep when I brought her cup of coffee up to the bedroom. I noticed my chastity cage on the floor next to the bed, and quietly took it downstairs to my bedroom, hoping she would forget about it.
She, in fact, did. It is testimony to how muddled my brain had become that I thought that was a good thing at the time. Normally, it would have been, of course. But it wasn’t until the snarky doorman gave me permission to go upstairs – after again announcing myself as the maid – that I realized how fraught with potential danger my situation really was. Because on our prior two meetings, my cock had been locked safely away. This time, I belatedly realized, my cock would be available as another toy for my students to play with, a toy they could use to control and humiliate me like they never had before.
And that, too, is exactly what they did.

“Well, ya see, up in here in the southern Appalachians we got us 2 kinds of Sasquatch. We got us them great old big ape types like Patty that get up to 15 feet or more tall. Then we gets the smaller chimp-like foots that usually only reach 7-8 feet tall. These chimp-squatch, though, be sum dangerous sumbitches because they is inbred. That makes them crazy as hell.”
“Most the Sasquatch up here in Sasquatch Hollar are the Patty types. Lots of pudwhackers think these only out in the Pacific Northwest. That ain’t true. They is everwhar.”
“Sum people fuck up the identification of critters they see. For example, lots of folks see bars and thinks they is Sasquatch. They’s are dumbasses. Then sumtimes people sees them old swarthy dogmen bastards and think they dun seen a Sasquatch. This shit happens a lot. It is well known that here in these Appalachian Mountains, dawgman outnumber Sasquatch 3 to 1.”
“Then ya got the assorted monsters, ghosts, and goblins that run around in the woods at night. People see all sorts of shit and jest assume it’s a big old Sasquatch. But 9 times outa 10 it ain’t.”
“Now, I been quarreling with Sasquatch since I wuz 5 years old. Ya see, my pappy took me down to the crick one day to do sum catfishin. Like any boy that age, I got bored after about 5 minutes and wandered off to smoke a cigarette and have a drink from my old Sippy flask. As I wuz walking through them woods I started hearing sum weird shit. It sounded like sumthang squeaking and grunting. I decided to investigate. I walked a little way toward the noise then stopped at a big old bush. Whatever wuz making the noise, it wuz jest on the other side of that bush!”
“Though I wuz only the young and tender age of 5, I carried a big-ass buck knife with a 10” blade. I whipped that sumbitchin blade out and then pulled back the bush to find the source of the weird noise.”
“Thar it stood. A big old gnarly Bigfoot. It wuz at least 13’ tall, and it had its hairy wang in its hand jacking off. It stopped abusing hisself as soon at it seen me, jest sorta standing thar with big eyes knowin it had been caught. I did not know what the fuck that thang wuz. But, I knew that in that first moment of shock and stillness that my life depended upon me acting decisively. I immediately slashed downward with my knife and cut off that thang’s dinosauric wang!”
“That thar beast immediately fell to its knees and let out a blood curdling scream. I hauled ass back to my pappy. When I found him he wuz passed out on the crick bank with an empty jar of shine layin on the ground next to him. I tried to rouse him but it twernt no use. He wuz out like a light! I knew pappy carried a 1911 pistol in his tackle box so I got it out. Pappy always carried cocked and locked.”
“Well, it wuz about that time that the old dickless Bigfoot came a’haulin ass through the woods like a bulldozer. It wuz in a rip-roaring rage. Well, sir, I climbed up in a big old oak tree to hide from the beast. Once I wuz in position, that sumbitch came stomping up to the side of the crick. It still had its severed dick in its hand while its other hand wuz holding onto his cock wound.”
“Then It spied pappy. I thought, “HOLY TAP-DANCING CHRIST!! THAT SUMBITCH GONNA KILL PAPPY!!” I jumped into action, diving from my lofty perch and down onto the old critter’s neck. I put the gun barrel right up to that bastard’s head, but afore I culd pull the trigger the animal lurched and I dropped pappy’s gun!! It plopped down into the crick. So then I pulled out my big old knife. SSSUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!!! I slashed that motherfucker’s throat wide open. It fell down, with me on top of it. It started spewing blood and hacking like it wuz struggling fer air. After a couple minutes of gurgling sounds, that old fucker got real still and died...like a bitch.”
“Well, it wuz about that time that my pappy woke up. He noticed that his tackle box had been gone through. Then he turned around and saw me standing next to this huge Sasquatch, holding a knife and covered in blood. Pappy staggered over to me and sed, ‘Where da fuk my .45?’ I told him I accidentally dropped it in the creek while fighting the Bigfoot. Old pappy hauled off and smacked the shit out of me. Then he made me retrieve his pistol and carve off sum Bigfoot ham fer dinner.”
“So, ya see, I been doing battle with these smelly beasts since I were knee-high to a $10 whore in stilettos. Here in Sasquatch Hollar, they is thicker than cockroaches in a Chinese vittles barn. I is always blasting those motherfuckers!”
“Then one day, I reckin back in 1982, I stumbled across a new kind of Bigfoot creature. It twere about 3:00 am one morning. I had be screwing the Thrasher sisters, all 3 of ‘em. I had em in my bed and we wuz all sleeping after having us the super bowl of sex. These here girls are all sisters in town. They all had, well, issues. Brandy wuz 20 at the time. She were smoking hot with a tight little body. But she was a mute; couldn’t speak a lick. Her twin sister, Serena only had one leg. The other one wuz accidentally cut off during a chainsaw fight with her pappy. Then there wuz sweet little Linda Lou. Sweet little Linda wuz a real looker. Too bad she wuz missing her left eye. She lost it in a knife fight that erupted after an illegal dog fight when the house wouldn’t pay up. She thought the house was stiffing her, allegations started flying, things got heated, knives were pulled, and you know the rest.”
“So, I gots these 3 cuties in my bed: one wuz a mute, one wuz missin a leg, and the other wuz a’missing an eye. I lured them all back to my place from their jobs at the Dairy Queen with promises of shine and meth. They wuz all addicts, ya know. I gave each one a hit out behind the DQ, then loaded ‘em up in my wagon and headed back to Sasquatch Hollar.”
“Now, it wuz a long haul. I had my mule, Old Betsy, pulling that thar wagon. It would be about a five hour ride anyway, but on that particular day Old Betsy had a broke leg. A nasty old Sasquatch got ahold of her and tried to run off with her. During the melee, it dun broke one of her legs. Poor old gal. Ya see, I wuz gonna put her outa her misery, but I got me a powerful hankering for a DQ Blizzard and decided to see if I could get one more run to town out of her before I sent her to the great beyond.”
“Now, Old Betsy performed like a champ! She made it all the way down and off that mountain and to the edge of town before the bone in her leg started poking out her skin sideways. She hooted and hollared, but I kept whipping the shit out of her and jest kept on a’going. She wuz a fine animal!”
“So me and the DQ bitches wuz jest barely out of the parking lot when one of Old Betsy’s good legs gave out. I heard me a loud ‘SNAP!’, then the old girl went down, face first into the asphalt. I sed ‘Gall darn it! What in tarnation?!?!’ Well, Sir, I climbed down off my wagon and inspected the situation. It seems that Old Betsy, being the good old girl she wuz, wuz shifting her weight to offset fer her broken laig. She obviously overloaded and caused the break.”
“Them old DQ whores started squalling and crying at the sight of the mangled mule. I told them to shut the fuck up before I mangled them. When I dun seen what the problem were, I knelt down, patted Old Betsy on her head, and sed ‘Well, old girl, I guess the next time I’ll be seeing ya will be when you are pulling my wagon in Hell. Praise Satan.’ Then I made the sign of Baphomet with my right hand.”
“The whores were watching me intently, which is why they let out a big shriek when I whipped out my .44 magum and splattered poor Old Betsy’s brains all over the road. Those bitches went to wailing, so I pointed my pistol at them and told them to ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP!’”
By this time traffic wuz startin to back up cuz my wagon wuz blocking a lane. I told the one-eyed whore to get down off my wagon and direct traffic while I unhooked the dead mule. Well, she promptly jumped down off the wagon with purpose. I wuz not used to a woman doing what I told her to do the first time. I find that about 90% of women have problems hearing. So, when old One-Eye landed next to me I punched her right square in her face. She went down like a sack of taters!”
“When she climbed to her feet she asked me why I punched her. Scratching my head, I replied ‘I don’t rightly know. I guess you must be one of the 10% of women without hearing problems and I wuz jest kind of acting out of instinct. I jest wuz not expecting you to do what I told ya the first time. Now, get to work directing traffic, bitch!!’ Again, she obeyed. I thought, ‘Damn. I might have to keep that bitch around.’ Then I turned my attention to the matter at hand: getting my goddamn wagon home.”
“I told the other two bitches to get off the wagon and to help me push it back into the DQ parking lot. This time I waited to see if they would obey like their sister dun. To my shock and disbelief they did. I asked them, ‘Who obedience trained you bitches?’ Old One-Leg sed ‘Our dad dun did it. He taught me to kiss too. Want to see what he taught me?’ I sed ‘Later, you dumb slut! I gots to figure on how to git my wagon back home to Sasquatch Hollar.”
“Well about this time, the owner of the DQ came running out of the joint, yelling at me to move my wagon because it wuz blocking his customers from getting out of the DQ parking lot. He wuz yellin at the bitches to get back inside and get to work waiting on his customers. Then he got all up in my face, saying ‘You got to move that hillbilly contraption RIGHT NOW, or I am going to call the POLICE!!!’ I asked him, ‘And jest who the fuck is you?’ He sed his name was Bob Patel.”
“So thar I wuz. My fucking mule wuz dead. My wagon wuz stuck in the road. I had me three disabled and horny whores ready to smoke meth and fuck, and now I had me a swarthy Pakistani prick up in my face. I had had enough. I narrowed my eyes, looked at Patel, and sed, ‘You motherfuckers hid Osama Bin Laden’. His eyes widened. I grabbed him around the collar, pulled out my .44 magum, and brutally pistol whipped that sumbitch right thar in his parking lot. He must have been a real asshole too, cuz them DQ bitches were cheering me on. When I wuz dun, that sum bitch had to crawl back into his shitty DQ, leaving behind a trail of blood, piss, and shit.”
“The mute bitch started trying to tell One-Leg something. It sounded like she had a mouth full of peanut butter and jizz. Then One-Leg sed, ‘She is trying to tell us sumthang to help.’ The wagon wuz way too big and heavy fer me to push out of the road. So, flustered as a tick on a dick, I looked at the dumb bitch and asked ‘What?’, expecting sum sort of dumbass response. She sed, ‘Daddy let us drive his truck to work today. Why don’t we hook up your wagon to his truck and then you can haul it home with that?’ I wuz dumbfounded. This wuz actually a good idea.”
“Guarded, I asked One-Leg what kind of truck she got. She sed an F-350. I paused. Then I thought ...’Goddamn...I have struck gold here.’ I sed, ‘You 3 bitches are absolute ANGELS!’ They all smiled in appreciation of my praise.”
“Thereafter, I pulled the truck around, got the wagon hitched up to it, and got the rig ready to go. The traffic jam got to be too unruly fer Old One-Eye, so I whipped out my .44 magum and dispersed the crowd. Then I told the bitches to get in the truck cuz we wuz high-tailing it to Sasquatch Hollar.”
“Right about then Old Sheriff came a rolling up in his car, lights on a siren wailing. When dipshit Patel saw Sheriff, he came running outside the DQ to meet him. ‘Goddamn it, if’n it ain’t one thang it’s another’, I sed. I whipped out my .44 magum and blew the fucking siren right off the top of Old Sheriff’s car. BAM!!!!”
“Sheriff got out and looked at the empty spot where his siren used to be. He sed ‘Awww damn, Roy! Why did you have to go and do that?!?! Now I’m gonna have to ask the county to buy me a new one.” I told Sheriff to shut up. Old Patel wuz battered and bruised all over. He wuz crying to the Sheriff about my wagon blocking his parking lot and the savage pistol whipping I inflicted upon him.”
“Sheriff hushed up Patel, looked at me, and asked, ‘Now, Roy, what’s really going on here?’ I sed, ‘That Patel feller there grabbed my cock. I felt threatened and marginalized, so I defended myself the only way I knew how.” Patel exploded at my accusation. I told Sheriff, ‘See that? He’s got a right nasty temper on him. That’s the way with them thar Muslims.’”
“Old Sheriff narrowed his eyes and slowly turned his head toward Patel, as he released the safety strap on the holster of his service weapon. Sheriff asked Patel, ‘Is that right? Are you a Muslim, boy?’ Patel wuz pissed. ‘I am no fucking Muslim, you asshole!!! I am Hindu, and I’m from India, not Pakistan!! You are racist. Both of you!! You are both racist!!!’, sed Patel.”
“I leaned over Sheriff and sed ‘Ask old Patel here if he has accepted Jesus Christ as his lord and savior.’ Patel heard what I sed. Sheriff asked ‘....Well, have you, boy?’ Patel sed ‘WHAT?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! I AM HINDU, ARE YOU REALLY THIS IGNORANT?!?! OF COURSE I HAVE NOT ACCEPTED ...’ Then came the gunshots BOOM!!! BOOM!!! BLAMM!!!! The foreigner hit the ground with a thud.”
“I sed, ‘Damn, Sheriff, your aim is gettin better! It only took ya 3 shots at point blank range to take down THIS perp!’ Sheriff asked, ‘What are we gonna do with him?’ I sed ‘That’s yer problem, Sheriff. I gots to get back to Sasquatch Hollar and fuck these here whores in the truck. We is about to have the sexual Special Olympics back at my place.’ Sheriff looked distraught.”
“I decided to throw Old Sheriff a bone. I sed, ‘Ok, looky here, Sheriff. Here’s what ya do. Set that DQ on fire and burn it to the ground. Call the feds and tell them you caught old Habib here in a terror plot to blow up the Cracker Barrel, and that all yer evidence got burnt up in the DQ fire HE started.’ Sheriff looked hopeful and asked, ‘Do you really think that will work?’ I sed ‘I don’t give a fuck. Just dump him down in Sasquatch Creek per usual. I’ve got to go git my dick wet!’ Then I wuz off.”
“So me and the girls were a humpin’ it down the highway in their daddy’s truck with my wagon in tow, headed fer Sasquatch Hollar. I figured it would be a very tight fit down the trail fer this F-350 after we got off the road. I might bang and dent the fuck outa this thang. Fact is, if’n I can even git the truck to my cabin, it prolly ain’t leaving the woods. Even it it’s in any condition to travel back, I figure I will jest steal it.’
“The bitches had already entered the foreplay stage of our encounter. One-Eye had my old whoopin’ stick out and slobbering all over it. The Mute wuz leaning over her and fondling my scrotum sack. And I wuz fondling One-Leg’s perky little wine-glass titties. Then I had a thought. I bet these girls’ daddy would have a shit-fit if’n he knew I wuz molesting his girls in HIS truck. Heh heh heh!!!! Now, mind ya, all 3 of these girls were over 18 years of age. Still, once daddy’s girl, always daddy’s girl.”
“Curiosity got the best of me. I jest had to know. I asked ‘Hey girls, you sed this here truck belongs to yer daddy?’ One-Eye removed my pud from her mouth and sed ‘Yep, this is daddy’s truck.’ Then I asked, ‘Who is yer daddy?’ Old One-Eye sed, ‘William Perkins’.
“ I thought, ‘Oh shit. That’s Old “Will Bill From Hawkinsville”!! That’s a crazy sumbitch! He has dun prison time for raping a Chevy Malibu! What’s even worse is that I used to fuck Old Wild Bill’s wife while he wuz off in prison. What wuz that....15-20 years ago? If’n I remember right, that bitch’s name wuz ‘Alex’. I remember her name distinctly because it wuz a dude’s name. But thar wuz no dudeness about her. She wuz SMOKING HOT and could handle the timber better than Old Mark McGwire on the roids!!’
“Still, I had to be certain there’s nothing unseemly going on here. Holding my breath, I asked ‘What’s your momma’s name?’ One-Leg spoke up, and with a grin on her face sed ‘momma’. I backhanded the shit out of her, and she went flying over and landed on the mute. Then Good Old One-Eye, the Einstein of the group, again removed my whoopin’ stick from her mouth and sed ‘Momma’s name is soooo beautiful. It’s “Alexandria”. I thought, ‘WHEWWWWWWW!!!! That wuz fucking CLOSE!!!’”
“Well, me and the girls made it back to Sasquatch Hollar in record time (compared to a mule-drawn wagon). I got my wagon home in fine shape. But that fucking truck is wider than the wagon and lost both front fenders, all doors, and both side panels off the bed. I’m also pretty sure it sustained some damage to the front axel when we splashed down into Dogman Creek. One-Eye sed ‘Daddy ain’t gonna be none too happy about his truck.’ I told her to jest tell her pappy that negroes stole it from them at the DQ.”
“Now, at this point me and the girls went inside my cabin and started Imbibing, smoking, and fornicating. I will not get into all the gross mechanics of what exactly transpired therein, cuz that ain’t really essential to this here story. Jest be assured that several laws were violated that day, including God’s laws, man’s laws, and the laws of physics.”
“This leads me back to whar I wuz. All 4 of us wuz piled upon on my bed, laying all over each other ... naked, spent, exhausted, and sticky. I wuz awakened by the sound of a scuffle out back behind my cabin. I could tell from the grunting and thumping footsteps that Sasquatch were involved. I didn’t want to crawl my ass out of bed this early and go out in the freezing night to break up sum fucking Bigfoot gangbang. But, if I didn’t then they may get to rough housing and tear up my shed or rape my tractor or sum mess. So I crawled outa bed and put on my overalls. I did not have to worry about waking up the girls cuz I dun shot them up with enuff sweet H that a nuclear blast weren’t waking them up.”
“Ya see, as fun as these here girls were, I knew they wuz gonna be trying to hang around Casa De Roy fer more candy. I can’t have that. So I dun made sum arrangements to get them outa here. A business associate I will call ‘Carlos’ is supposed to be at my cabin at sunrise to take possession of each of the unconscious girls. He is gonna take them off to sum shit hole foreign country and make them sex slaves. He’s giving me $500.00 a head fer these girls! That’s what I call a Win-Win situation!”
“So back to my story, thar is sum kind of struggle happening in back of my cabin and I thinks it involves sum Sasquatches. I got dressed, grabbed my old AR-10 rifle, and headed out back to investigate, castigate, and seal sum fate.”
“I snuck around my cabin slowly. I needed to do sum recon so I could see what exactly wuz a’going on. When I cleared the side of my cabin I immediately saw movement next to the chicken house. First I thought sum sumbitchin Bigfoot wuz trying to steal my chickens. Then I snapped on the flashlight attached to my AR rifle. It appeared that 3 big old Sasquatch wuz gang raping the fourth, which wuz being held down by one of the other 3. The 3 rapist Bigfoot immediately stood, showed their teeth to me then growled. They was telling me that they wuz pissed and wuz looking fer trouble.”
“My rifle was already raised and on standby while I kept the three beasts in the light. The rape victim squatch jest layed thar moaning. The big 3 ambled into attack formation, like they was ready to attack old Roy. If I did not act decisively and quickly, I’d be dun fer!”
“BAM-BAM-BAM!!!!! Three head shots in quick succession and they wuz all dead. ‘I’m gonna be eatin good fer the next few days’, I thought. Then I thought about the raped squatch. I raised my gun, with my light trained on its face. A wave of shock and disbelief filled me at what I saw.”
“This ain’t no ordinary Bigfoot here. She wuz very human looking. Yeah, she wuz hairy and smelled bad. Her face wuz... almost cute. And she had her some C-cup titties. Now, I would never lie with a beast. But, this one made me question my rule. She looked jest like a bitch, but bigger and hairier.”
“When I approached the thing she started shrieking and pushing away. Clearly, she wuz afraid of me. I shone my light up and down her supple squatch bod. I reckon it wuz 6 ft tall. It had the curvy figure of Kathy Ireland and the facial structure of Sandy Bullock. Again, though, she wuz covered in hair. I thought to myself that sech a thang could come in handy after sex cuz you could use its hair to wipe off yer dick before taking a piss.”
“Then I thought, ‘SHEEYIT!!!!’ and punched myself in the nuts! I had to tell myself that it wuz a beast and that I ought not be having these impure thoughts of beastiality. ‘Hold it together, you sumbitch! Keep yer dick in yer pants!!’, I told myself. Then I punched myself in the balls again. This time I puked from the punch.”
“I decided that instead of executing this critter I would keep it and nurse it back to health. I thought it wuz the least I could do. I knew the girls were inside and that it would still be a little while until ‘Carlos’ came to collect the bitches. So I had to keep this lil fem-squatch under wraps. I grabbed a spare noose I had laying around, put it around the critters neck, and dragged her into my old shed, whar I tied it up and gagged it with duct tape. Then, jest to show it who’s boss, I punched it in the gut, from which it let out an audible ‘OOF!’ Then I left it alone.”
“I did not want to get back into bed with the comatose bitches, so I set down in front of the old fire and lit me up a nice Montecristo Cuban. Old Castro’s brother still sends me a box ever Christmas in appreciation fer me doing sum werk fer them back in 1962. I sat and smoked, as I sipped sum rye whiskey frum a jug. My mind kept wandering back to that feminine beast out in my shed. ‘Damn, she sure is sexy’, I thought. DAMN IT !!!!!! I punched myself in the balls again. BOOFFFF!!!!”
“At sum point I dozed off to sleep. I wuz awakened by a knocking on my door. BAM BAM BAM!!! I looked at the clock on my wall and it said ‘8:45 am’. I sed, ‘Goddamnit, Carlos!! You can’t count on those fucking be#ners to be on time fer their own funeral.’ I stomped over to the door, cussing all the way.”
“Opening the door, I am saying ‘Carlos, you rotten sumbitch ...!’ Only it was not Carlos. It wuz the Sheriff, who excitedly sed ‘Roy! We got us a problem. You ‘member that brown sumbitch from Iran that run the Dairy Queen in town? The FBI says they aren’t believing he is a terrorist! What are we gonna do, Roy?!?’ I immediately reached out and grabbed Sheriff’s nut sacks with my right hand, wrenched them violently 180 degrees, pulled them forward into the door frame, and then slammed the door on them!”
“Old Sheriff let out a HORRIFIC, high-pitch screech, then passed out on my front porch. ‘Shit’, I thought. ‘What am I gonna do with this prick?’ Then I wondered if I could sell him to Carlos along with the girls. Hmmmmmm... Nah, no woman could hate herself THAT much to want to screw that fat fuck.”
“I decided to drag old Sheriff out to the shed, tie him up, and gag him so he would not be an eyewitness to the crimes against humanity I wuz about to commit. As soon as I opened the shed door all hell broke loose. There wuz whining and thrashing and banging about. I looked into the direction of the noise and saw the Sasquatch bound and gagged, but pissed and trying to get loose. ‘SHIT!! I fergot about THAT sumbitch!!’, I sed. Then I got me a shovel and banged the shit out of it over its head. That quieted her down! Then, as she lay there on her belly convulsing, I looked at its quivering Sasquatch butt and thought ‘NICE!!!’ Then I punched myself in the sack again.”
“I hog-tied and gagged that sumbitch Sheriff and left him lying on the floor. By the time I made it back up to the house I found that rotten cocksucker, Carlos, standing on my front porch and smoking a cigarette. He sed ‘Heeeeyyyyyy, Gringo! You got my ladies? Heh heh heh?’, then he stomped out his cigarette on my front porch. I looked down at the cigarette butt and then up at Carlos. I pointed at it and sed ‘Pick up that shit, asshole! Where the fuck do ya’ll think you are? Mexico? FUCK!!!’ Carlos obliged.”
“I noticed that Carlos came alone. I asked him how in the hell is he going to carry 3 unconscious bitches 5 miles through the woods. He sed, ‘Well, uh, you know, amigo, I thought you would help.’ I sed ‘SHEEYIT! Once you pay fer them whores, they is yours. But I guess fer an extra $50.00 I can be convinced to sell ya a wheelbarrow you can use.’ This made Carlos happy. Those little fuckers are practically born in a wheelbarrow with a leaf blower in hand. I told Carlos to go grab the bitches outa my bedroom whilst I go fetch the wheelbarrow.”
“When I got back to the front of the house with the wheelbarrow, old Carlos wuz still standing on my front porch but there wuz no bitches. I asked ‘Do you want me to drag those bitches out here fer ya too, you lazy sumbitch!’ Carlos looked displeased. He sed ‘Hey, man. What the fuck you trying to pull on me, man?’ I told him to get fucked. But then he explained to me that we had a problem.”
“Apparently, when I shot them whores up with H, I over-dosed them, cuz they were all dead. I sed, ‘Well, sheeyit, Carlos. I guess I went and fucked up.’ Then Carlos explained that his clientele would usually be ok with dead chicks, but that they would not fetch as much as a live one. I sed ‘I reckon I can understand that, Carlos.’ BUT, the problem Carlos had is that THESE dead chicks were disabled.”
“We finally struck a deal. Carlos gave me $50.00 fer that thar wheelbarrow, $100.00 fer the dead mute, and $25.00 each fer the other 2 dead bitches. He sed he could prolly sell ‘em fer their teeth and double his money. Fer being a good sport, I sent old Carlos off with a jar of shine and some slow-roasted Sasquatch butt roast. He wuz plum tickled pink as he headed off down the trail, pushing the 3 dead bitches in his new wheelbarrow.”
“Now it wuz time to go inspect that cute lil old squatch I had locked up in the shed. This is where shit started gettin weird. When I got into the shed, I found that there Sasquatch on top of old Sheriff, grinding on him. ‘GIT THE HELL OFF SHERIFF, YOU COTTON PICKIN BABOON!’, I yelled. Well, Sir, that thang jumped up and ran over into the corner. It wuz still tied up except fer it’s legs. Sheriff wuz not only still tied up, but he wuz STILL unconscious. ‘SHERIFF!! GIT THE FUCK UP, YA LAZY BUM!!’, I yelled.”
“Well, it wuz about that time that the lady Sasquatch ripped free of the rest of the rope bounding it up. ‘Sheeeeeeyit...’, I thought. Sheriff wuz jest coming around as I cut him loose. ‘Get the fuck up, fat ass!’, I commanded. I then sed ‘Gimme yer gun’. Sheriff sed, ‘Now, Roy, you know I can’t do that. That’s my service weapon. I can’t jest ...’ .... then BOOM!!! I punched him square in the tubulars and he dropped to the ground. The Bigfoot started going ape shit, screaming and roaring, and smashing shit.”
“I reached down and grabbed Sheriff’s pistol, aimed at the Sasquatch’s head, and fired. ‘Pop!’ I thought ‘What in the hell?!?’ I looked at the weapon. It wuz a god damned little .32 auto. ‘PUSSY SHIT!’, I sed, then tossed the little gun away. I then leaned down to Sheriff and sed ‘You ain’t worth a shit, you know that?’ Sheriff sed ‘Oh, Roy, don’t say that. We’re friends.’ I scoffed and looked fer another weapon.”
“The squatch wuz now at bat-shit crazy level, and I could tell it wuz about to charge. I quickly glanced around my shed. Then I spotted it: my Stihl chainsaw! Without a second to spare, I snatched up that saw and pulled the cord. It roared to life jest as the beast charged!’ BUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!”
“The thang charged me. I jabbed the running chainsaw into its belly, revved her up, and made my incision. The squatch, stunned, stopped. Then with pressure added and more revving, I cut upward and did not stop until I had sliced that sumbitch in half, from its belly all the way up through its entire head. Sasquatch blood and innards went everwhere, coating the inside of my old shed. The beast wuz dead and I got me sum more meat fer the ice box!!”
“As I wuz a’cleaning that booger later in the day (I had to take Sheriff home after we found his testicles) I wuz able to take stock of her. As I mentioned at first, we got us 2 kinds of Sasquatch up in here in Sasquatch Hollar: the big ape, Patty Type, and the smaller chimp type. This one wuz a might different.”
“This thang, I reckon, wuz sum kind of cromag, or caveman, descendant. The placement of its bones (like knee joints and elbows) and overall proportions were more man than ape. I have heard of these thangs, kind of look like a Neanderthal critter. They’s been talk of these here thangs being common in Russia. But we apparently got em here in the states too.”
“Nonetheless, that strange looking squatch cooked up right nice. It wuz a little tough and stringy Like Sasquatch meat. But it wuz not near as gamey. That lil sumbitch was right edible!”

In The Rated RPG Podcast, The Valley of Green Gold, our top Patreon supporters act as in-game nobles who leave gifts for the party (and in real life, they provide generous funding for Rated RPG).
This d100 table contains potentially useful weapons, items, potions, and more. As an added twist, the GM will roll a d20 "behind the screen". If the result is a 1, the item rolled has a curse associated with it (GM discretion and imagination for that). When a result is rolled in-game, we often replace the item with something new. Feel free to use this table in your own game!

1. Sliver of Soap - a small sliver of good-smelling soap is found or gifted to the party. It has a single use and grants the user a +1 on Persuasion or Deception checks for 4 hours after use.
2. Barking Box - This metal cube, 6 inches on a side, has a crank on top. Using an action to wind the crank activates the box for 8 hours. While activated, the box barks whenever it detects vibrations within 15 feet of it, as long as the box and the source of the vibrations are in contact with the same ground or substance. A switch on one side of the box sets the device to emit either a small dog's bark or a large dog's bark.
3. Horn of Bubbles - a small goat horn, six inches in length, fitted with a brass mouthpiece. When blown into, the horn produces a stream of bubbles into the air. When the bubbles pop, they emit a pleasant odor.
4. Lucky 4-Leaf Clover - a four-leaf clover is found or gifted to the party. It has one use, and grants the user an automatic success on a single skill check.
5. A Blessing - a blessing is given to a party member. The blessing has one use and lasts until the next sunrise. A character can use the blessing to add a 1d4 to an attack roll or saving throw.
6. A Net - A hempen rope net, large enough to catch big fish or restrain a foe.
7. Dust of Sobriety - a small wooden tube containing a greenish powder. The tube contains six uses. This powder can be added to any alcoholic beverage to render it non-alcoholic.
8. 1d10 Gold - Your patron has come through with some coin!
9. Diagram of Vexing - A small rolled parchment with ink sketches showing a hand gesture and a word in common. As a bonus action proceeding or reaction after another creature makes a roll, you make a gesture in the direction of the target. The result of that roll is a failure. This ability can be used only once before the magic leaves you.
10. Magic Missile Spell Scroll - a Magic Missile Spell Scroll.
11. 3 Vials of Magical Ink - Three vials of gem-infused ink, perfect for writing spell scrolls or for transcribing a spell into a spellbook.
12. Horn - a bull's horn, black and grey, fitted with a mouthpiece and leather carrying strap. (A Horn of Silent Alarm: It has four charges. When you use a charge to blow it, one creature of your choice [within a quarter mile, not deafened] can hear it - but nobody else can. It regains 1d4 charges each dawn)
13. Protein Shake - a glass bottle containing a viscous brown liquid. This is a “protein shake” made by a local. It’s not clear what the protein is, but it tastes sweet and meaty. After consuming, a character receives a +1 STR for 6 hours.
14. A Dragon Figurine - A hand-carved dragon figurine about 8 inches tall. It's walnut, and depicts a brass dragon.
15. First Aid Kit - a canvas roll containing basic first aid supplies. Can be used once for healing 5 hp.
16. Creepy Doll - a small cloth doll with a porcelain head and what appears to be human hair. Its unblinking eyes follow you. If you give it away, lose it, or destroy it, it will reappear in your possessions 24 hours later.
17. 1d12 Gold - Your patron has come through with some coin!
18. Honorary Degree - Magic Item - A tattered, wadded-up scroll which (after being unwrinkled and laid flat) reveals that it's a hand-written diploma which can grant +4 to any single arcana, history, nature, or religion check. The course of study and the name of the recipient of the "degree" is blank. To activate, the PC begins a sentence with "Trust me I'm a ______", filling in the blank with whatever course of study would relate to this interaction. The PC will receive a +2 on the persuasion check following the interaction.
19. Small Pouch of Tiny Gems - a small pouch of tiny gems worth 20gp.
20. Hot Peppers - A small cloth satchel coated in bees wax. The satchel contains three shriveled, dried peppers. They smell very spicy.
21. Potion of Healing - Heals 1d4+2
22. A Spell Scroll - a tattered, but still usable/readable spell scroll. Usable by a cleric, paladin, or wizard. The spell is Gentle Repose.
23. Glass Egg - Stink - a delicate hand-blown glass egg, the size of a small chicken egg. The shell is translucent green. It appears to contain a cloud of green smoke. If smashed, a pungent stink cloud instantaneously, filling a small space. Any living creature who starts their turn in the cloud must make a CON saving throw, DC 12 or spend their turn gagging and retching. The effect lasts one round.
24. Glass Egg - Dust - a delicate hand-blown glass egg, the size of a small chicken egg. The shell is translucent green. It appears to contain a cloud of white smoke. If smashed, it emits a tiny, harmless puff of dust. Easily confused for either the Smoke or Stink eggs.
25. Ceramic Egg - Oil - a delicate ceramic egg, the size of a small chicken egg. The shell is opaque yellow. If you shake it, you can sense it might have liquid inside it. If smashed, a small amount of oil splashes from within. As an action, you can throw the egg at a creature within 20 feet of you, shattering it on impact. Make a ranged attack against a target creature or object, treating the egg as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the egg breaks, splashing the target with oil. If the target takes any fire damage over the next 10 rounds, the target takes an additional 5 fire damage from the burning oil. You can also put the egg into a fire or heat source and after 10 rounds (one minute), the egg explodes, splashing burning oil within a 5-foot radius.
26. Treats - a woven straw basket containing a dozen homemade chocolate biscuits. They’re delicious.
27. Bullseye Lantern - A bullseye lantern casts bright light in a 60-foot cone and dim light for an additional 60 feet. Once lit, it burns for 6 hours on a flask (1 pint) of oil. Oil not included.
28. Spatula - a well-made metal spatula with a long wooden handle.
29. Sack of Sugar - a five pound sack of sugar.
30. Dust of Sneak - a small leather pouch containing brown powder. It can be sprinkled on up to four creatures, or otherwise contains four uses. Upon use, it grants the user +5 to Stealth checks for ten minutes.
31. Tooth - It could be a humanoid tooth, it could be an animal tooth. Either way, it’s a single tooth.
32. Athletic Salve - a small clay pot containing a gray salve. If smeared on the ankles and knees, it grants the user an additional 10 ft of movement and +2 to Athletics checks for 6 hours. Contains two uses.
33. 3d10 Gold - Your patron has come through with some coin!
34. Dented Helmet - A scuffed and dented steel helmet with adjustable leather straps. It will fit humanoids with some adjustments. It does not provide any adjustment to armor class.
35. Battleaxe Head - A finely crafted battle ax head in excellent condition. Once affixed to a handle, can be used as a standard battle ax.
36. A dead pigeon, stuffed and mounted on a short stick - A dead pigeon, stuffed and mounted on a short stick. A magical item which does not require attunement, but can only be used after being identified.
37. Flark Mining Collective Mining Survival Guide - A thick pamphlet for miners detailing survival tactics for use in caves and mines. If you spend 10 hours studying this booklet, you’ll commit enough of it to memory to provide a +2 to Survival checks while in caves and mines.
38. Potion of Healing - heals 1d4+2
39. 4d8 Gold - Some coins, huzzah!
40. Tiny Skeletal Leg - A tiny skeletal leg consisting of femur, tibia, fibula and ankle and foot bones.
41. Glass Eye - A glass eye, color; blue
42. Short Sword - Summoning Ducks - A short sword with a slightly yellow metal blade and thick gold crossguard bearing what appear to be small jeweled eyes. The grip is wrapped with orange-tinged leather and the pommel is a tight ball of white fluffy feathers. Once per day, the user can summon 1d6 ducks. Recharges at dawn. The sword itself does standard damage, but is considered a magical weapon.
43. Lapel Pin - A small gold tone lapel pin bearing the initials MW. It might be brass, but it’s not gold. A tiny fleck of a ruby is embedded under the M. (The pin belongs to Mormir Warborn, the Merchant Harbor Blacksmith)
44. Caltrops - as an action, you can spread a single bag of caltrops to cover a 5-foot-square area. Any creature that enters the area must succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw or stop moving and take 1 piercing damage. Until the creature regains at least 1 hit point, its walking speed is reduced by 10 feet. A creature moving through the area at half speed doesn't need to make the saving throw.
45. Quartz Bead - This small bead is cloudy white with a tinge of pale green. It must be attuned to. If worn in some way, it grants the user +2 to persuasion checks.
46. Wizard Academy Pin - A small, circular silver and gold lapel pin bearing the words “Wizard Academy”. It must be attuned to. If worn, it grants the user +2 to arcana checks.
47. Silver Diamond Ring - A simple ring made of silver, with a large diamond set in it.
48. Tiny Horse Figurine - A tiny gray horse figurine carved from soft wood. It is not magical.
49. Candle - For 1 hour, a candle sheds bright light in a 5-foot radius and dim light for an additional 5 feet.
50. Focus Fern - A pouch containing a single dried up fiddlehead, the early growth of a fern. Blueish-green in color, this plant, when eaten, provides the user advantage on concentration checks for one hour.
51. Clockwork Finch - a clockwork finch that flaps its wings when a slight breeze is present.
52. A Fancy Chainmail Shirt +1 - Expertly-crafted (non-magical) medium armor that provides exceptional coverage (+1) for torso and arms. Your armor class with this item is 14 +DEX modifier.
53. Potion of Healing - heals 1d4+2
54. Vial of Acid - As an action, you can splash the contents of this vial onto a creature within 5 feet of you or throw the vial up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. In either case, make a ranged attack against a creature or object, treating the acid as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 2d6 acid damage.
55. Amethyst - A small chunk of amethyst worth 50gp.
56. Willowshade Oil - A vial of dark blue oil. A creature can use its action to apply the oil to another creature that has been petrified for less than 1 minute, causing the petrified condition on that creature to end at the start of what would be that creature's next turn.
57. Fishing Lure - A small metal fishing lure encrusted with bits of colored glass and bearing several sharp fish hooks. If used where there are fish present, there’s a fifty percent chance of catching a fish every five minutes.
58. Leather Ball - A well-inflated, round leather ball approximately 10 inches in diameter. It appears to be made of horsehide. If ruptured, it emits a cloud of noxious gas. All creatures within 5 feet need to make a DC 10 Constitution Saving Throw or be incapacitated for three rounds with fits of coughing.
59. Mummified Frog - A large green and brown frog, long dead, which has been mummified by unknown means.
60. Garish Hat - The most obnoxious and garish hat you’ve ever seen. Strips of leather dyed in neon blue and green, stitched with hot pink cording, a bill that sticks out a foot in front of the wearer’s head, long safari flaps on the back, printed with multicolored flowers. The top of the hat comes to a point, much like a traditional wizard or witch hat - a black hat band emblazoned with silver stars - and two obscenely long peacock feathers arch to the rear from either side of it.
61. Vial of Thick Black Liquid - A small glass vial of gooey black gel. It’s a unique substance of unknown origin. Touching the liquid bears no result. Ingesting the goo will give the user stomach cramps and diarrhea. Coating a blade or piercing weapon with it will result in 2hp of poison damage per use. Vial contains 4 uses for this purpose.
62. Jug of Fermentation - A glazed jug with a wide mouth and a large rubber stopper affixed to the neck of the jug by a metal clip. Printed on the jug are basic instructions for fermenting fruit into “wine”.
63. Block of Dark Chocolate - A small chunk of dark chocolate wrapped in beeswax coated parchment. It seems to be in edible condition.
64. Caltrops - As an action, you can spread a bag of caltrops to cover a square area that is 5 feet on a side. Any creature that enters the area must succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw or stop moving this turn and take 1 piercing damage. Taking this damage reduces the creature's walking speed by 10 feet until the creature regains at least 1 hit point. A creature moving through the area at half speed doesn't need to make the save.
65. Blackberry Preserves - A small clay jar of expertly made blackberry preserves.
66. A Very Nice Satchel - A satchel con.
67. Wukka Nut - This fist-sized nut rattles when shaken, causing its shell to shed bright light in a 10-foot radius and dim light for an additional 10 feet. This magical light fades after 1 minute, but shaking the nut again causes the light to reappear. If the shell of the nut is cracked open, it loses its magic.
68. Pirate Treasure Map Piece 1 - A rolled-up piece of vellum (paper made from animal membrane) with a very basic map drawn on it with black ink. You can tell it’s been crudely cut down the middle, with the starting point being a north-facing beach at the top of the page - a trail that leads to the west along the shoreline, and around a small mountainous peak in the middle of the page, coming to what looks like a field of rocky tidal pools, and then just heading a bit to the east before coming to the cut.
69. Pirate Treasure Map Piece 2 - A rolled-up piece of vellum (paper made from animal membrane) with a very basic map drawn on it with black ink. You can tell it’s been crudely cut down the middle. You don’t know where the map starts, but the drawing of a mountain peak takes up the upper half of the drawing. A dashed line runs along the southern edge of the mountain and leads to a drawing of a cat, and then heads north to a cave on the eastern side of the mountain.
70. Ruby - an imperfect ruby, still worth 50gp
71. Makeup Kit - a small makeup kit with a variety of pigments.
72. Knuckle Dusters - a set of crude “brass knuckles”. The finger holes and palm pieces are made of wood, with a strip of copper making up the striking surface. +2 damage to unarmed strikes. If a natural one is rolled while striking with the knuckle dusters, they break.
73. Ledger - a black leather bound journal with parchment pages, wrapped with a black silk ribbon. The text of the pages is written in common and details the buying of small amounts of raw ore and precious metals, unique or rare woods, unfinished leather, cloth, and other supplies.
74. Bucket of Mess - a tin bucket with a handle, dented and rusty, half-full of dark, viscous goo. Inspection reveals bits of bone, scraps of flesh, clumps of hair and a couple of teeth.
75. Glass Bottles – six glass bottles, the size of a beer bottle, empty, ready for filling with whatever you like.
76. Magnifying Glass - a round, heavy glass magnifying lens bound to a black wooden handle by a strip of silver. +1 to Investigation checks.
77. Fire Powder - a small leather pouch, perhaps a bull scrotum, full of a grainy red powder. If exposed directly to high levels of moisture (like a pool of blood or a cup of water), it rapidly heats. After one minute, it achieves combustion. It burns with intense heat and bright red light, burning hot enough to melt metal. It ignores moisture of any kind. It burns quickly and after one round, it extinguishes. It causes 2d12 fire damage.
78. Wind-up Mechanical Frog - a clockwork frog, the size of your fist, made from wood, leather and metal parts. Colored to look like a real frog, it has a small hole in the center of its back, from which sticks out a small metal “key” for winding up the frog. Fully wound, the frog will hop approximately 30 seconds, for a total distance of 30 feet.
79. Dried Vegetables - a burlap satchel containing an assortment of cut, dehydrated vegetables. Onions, carrots, celery, turnips, peas, corn… Typically used for making soups or stews. About a pound of them, enough for four pots of soup (if meat is provided).
80. A sleep spell scroll
81. Diamond Dust - a small bottle containing over 200 gp worth of diamond dust.
82. Salt Shaker - a hand-carved wooden salt shaker full of salt.
83. 3d20 Gold - Your patron has come through with some gold!
84. A Fainting Goat - a small goat with nubbins for horns. If frightened or excited, it will faint for 1d6 turns.
85. 10d100 Gold - A pretty sweet haul, if your dice roll well.
86. Matchless Pipe - A switch made of flint is built into the bowl of this fine wooden smoking pipe. With a few flicks of the switch, the pipe lights itself.
87. Potion of Greater Healing - heals 2d4+4 hp.
88. Zabou Mushroom - If handled carefully, a zabou can be handled without causing it to release its spores. If crushed or struck, a zabou releases its spores in a 10-foot-radius sphere. A zabou can also be hurled up to 30 feet away or dropped like a grenade, releasing its cloud of spores on impact. Any creature in that area must succeed on a DC 10 Constitution saving throw or be poisoned for 1 minute. The poisoned creature's skin itches for the duration. The creature can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of its turns, ending the effect on itself on a success.
89. Cracked Silver Goblet - A small silver goblet with a two inch crack down one side that prohibits it from holding liquid. If the crack is repaired, the magic of this goblet is restored. If an ounce of liquid is poured into the goblet, the goblet magically replicates and refills with the same liquid over and over again for one hour. It can be spilled out, one ounce at a time, indefinitely over the course of one hour. The goblet can do this once per day.
90. A Potato - A potato.
91. Mysterious Potion - an opaque black bottle holds dark liquid inside. What it does is anyone’s guess. Only a few drops remain, so tasting it might tell you what it does, but would use it up at the same time.
92. White Wood Staff - A wooden staff that appears to be carved of ivory or bone - but closer inspection reveals it’s actually white wood. On the top of the staff, a small white crystal.
93. Potpourri & Incense - Dried flowers, herbs, berries, and chunks of desiccated fruit are packed into a small tin along with several cubes of incense. They smell floral, yet fruity, and will freshen the aromas of any large space if scattered about or burned.
94. Silver Hug Coin - A thin silver coin with The word HUG - and drawings etched on either side. One side is etched with the drawing of a stick figure holding up a heart at the end of a stick, a rudimentary sun shining overhead. The other side is emblazoned with a heart shape, and raised dots in Braille spelling out the word HUG.
95. Tiny Citrine Crystal - a tiny citrine crystal, which appears to have been scorched on one end. It may have been part of something else. It may have magical properties.
96. 300 gold pieces - In a small wood and iron chest, you find 300 gold pieces.
97. A Different Big Honkin’ Diamond - a big honkin’ diamond, but not the one you already received. Like the previous big honkin' diamond, this one is worth over 1,000 gold pieces. You could keep it whole, or if you find a skilled gem cutter, split it into 3 diamonds worth over 300 each.
98. Magical Inks - 500gp worth of gem-infused magical inks. Perfect for writing spell scrolls or putting spells into a spellbook.
99. Shield of Arrow Catching - A small circular shield made of wood and iron banding. It’s battered, splintered in spots, but holding together well (for now). You gain a +2 bonus to AC against ranged Attacks while you wield this Shield. This bonus is in addition to the shield’s normal bonus to AC. In addition, whenever an attacker makes a ranged Attack against a target within 5 feet of you, you can use your Reaction to become the target of the Attack instead.+2 to AC
100. Turd - a large, firm turd. Stinky. Is it just a turd? Is there something in it? Is it magical? What are we supposed to do with this? I ROLLED A 100! A TURD? REALLY!?

Infertility affects about 15% of couples and is due to a male factor alone in 20% and a combined male and female factor in 30 to 40%.
World Health Organization estimates between 60 and 80 million couples are affected.
The population in different regions have varying amounts of infertility.
In 25% of couples no clear cause of infertility can be identified.
Male infertility refers to a sexually mature male’s inability to impregnate a fertile female.
It accounts for 40–50% of infertility.
It affects approximately 7% of all men.
Male infertility is commonly due to deficiencies in the semen, and semen quality is used as a surrogate measure of male fecundity.
There is a decrease in sperm concentration as men age.
90% of seminiferous tubules in men in their 20s and 30s contain spermatids, whereas men in their 40s and 50s have spermatids in 50% of their seminiferous tubules, and only 10% of seminiferous tubules from men aged > 80 years contain spermatids.
In a random international sample of 11,548 men confirmed to be biological fathers by DNA paternity testing, the oldest father was found to be 66 years old at the birth of his child: generally male infertility ceases above age 65-66.
Factors relating to male infertility:
Immune infertility
Antisperm antibodies (ASA) have been considered as infertility cause in around 10–30% of infertile couples.
Antisperm antibody production is directed against surface antigens on sperm, which can interfere with sperm motility and transport through the female reproductive tract, impair fertilization, influence on the implantation process, and impaired growth and development of the embryo.
The formation of antisperm antibodies in men include the breakdown of the blood‑testis barrier, trauma and surgery, orchitis, varicocele, infections, prostatitis, testicular cancer, failure of immunosuppression and unprotected receptive anal or oral sex with men.
Chromosomal anomalies and genetic mutations account for nearly 10–15% of all male infertility cases.
Klinefelter syndrome is one of most commonly known causes of infertility, affects one in 500–1000 newborn males.
Klinefelter syndrome is a chromosomal defect that occurs during gamete formation due to a non-disjunction error during cell division.
Resulting in males having smaller testes, reducing the amount of testosterone and sperm production.
Males with this syndrome carry an extra X chromosome (XXY), meaning they have 47 chromosomes compared to the normal 46 in each cell.
This extra chromosome directly affects sexual development before birth and during puberty.
A variation of Klinefelter syndrome is when some cells in an individual have the extra X chromosome but others do not, referred to as mosaic Klinefelter syndrome.
Testosterone concentrations in the seminiferous tubules are 20- to 100-fold greater than circulating levels and are required to mediate spermatogenesis.
The reduction of testosterone in the male body normally results in an overall decrease in the production of viable sperm for these individuals thereby forcing them to turn to fertility treatments to father children.
Y chromosomal infertility is a direct cause of male infertility due to its effects on sperm production, occurring in approximately one in 2000 males.
Y chromosomal infertility affected men show no symptoms, although they may have smaller testes.
Y chromosomal infertility may be associated With azoospermia (no sperm production), oligozoospermia (small number of sperm production), or they may produce abnormally shaped sperm (teratozoospermia).
Y chromosomal infertility occurs during the development of gametes in the male: affected males have genetic deletions in the Y chromosome.
These deletions affect protein production that is vital for spermatogenesis.
Idiopathic oligospermia, or unexplained sperm deficiencies, account for 30% of male infertility.
Pre-testicular factors are conditions that impede adequate support of the testes and include situations of poor hormonal support and poor general health including:
Varicocele is a condition of swollen testicle veins, which is
present in 15% of normal men and in about 40% of infertile men.
It is present in up to 35% of cases of primary infertility and 69–81% of secondary infertility.
Obesity increases the risk of hypogonadotropic hypogonadism.
Men with celiac disease may have reversible infertility.
In men, celiac disease can reduce semen quality and cause immature secondary sex characteristics, hypogonadism and hyperprolactinemia which causes impotence and loss of libido.
When evaluating infertility it would best include assessment for underlying celiac disease, both in men and women.
Strenuous bicycle riding, horseback riding are associated with male infertility.
Medications that affect spermatogenesis such as chemotherapy, fluoxetine, anabolic steroids, cimetidine, spironolactone, and those that decrease FSH levels such as phenytoin, and those that decrease sperm motility such as sulfasalazine and nitrofurantoin.
Tobacco smoking may damage the testicles and kill sperm,
but their effect on male fertility is not clear.
Smoking tobacco increases intake of cadmium, which is chemically similar to zinc, and may replace zinc in the DNA polymerase, which plays a critical role in sperm production.
Inherited variants in genes that encode enzymes employed in DNA mismatch repair are associated with increased risk of sperm DNA damage and male infertility.
Aging is associated with a decline in semen quality, and this decline appears to be due to DNA damage.
DNA fragmentation and increased susceptibility to denaturation upon exposure to heat or acid are characteristic of apoptosis of somatic cells: DNA damage is an important factor in male infertility.
Environmental factors that change an individual’s epigenetic markers can be seen in their grandchildren, suggesting that environmental factors that influence fertility can be felt for generations even without changing the DNA.
Post-testicular factors that can decrease male fertility due to conditions that affect the male genital system after testicular sperm production and include defects of the genital tract as well as problems in ejaculation:
Vas deferens obstruction
Lack of Vas deferens, often related to genetic markers for cystic fibrosis
Infection-prostatitis, male accessory gland infection
Retrograde ejaculation
Ejaculatory duct obstruction
Hypospadias
Impotence
Diagnostic evaluation:
Medical history and physical exam.
Typically two separate semen analyses will be required.
Medical history includes: prior testicular or penile insults such as torsion, cryptorchidism, trauma, infections including mumps orchitis, epididymitis. environmental factors like excessive heat, radiation, medications, drug use with anabolic steroids, alcohol, smoking, sexual habits, frequency and timing of intercourse, use of lubricants, and each partner’s previous fertility experiences are important.
History of loss of libido and headaches or visual disturbances may indicate a pituitary tumor.
The past medical or surgical history may reveal thyroid or liver disease diabetic neuropathy related retrograde ejaculation, radical pelvic or retroperitoneal surgery, absent seminal emission secondary to sympathetic nerve injury, or hernia repair with damage to the vas deferens or testicular blood supply.
A family history may reveal genetic problems.
An examination of the penis, scrotum, testicles, vas deferens, spermatic cords, ejaculatory ducts, urethra, urinary bladder, anus and rectum is performed.
A measure of testicular volume, is associated with both sperm and hormonal parameters.
Semen sampling:
The optimal sexual abstinence for semen sample obtaining is of 2–7 days.
The first way to obtain the semen sample is through masturbation.
Two different samples have to be analyzed with an interval between them of seven days to three months, as sperm production is a cyclic process.
The sample should never be obtained through coitus interruptus for several reasons:
Part of ejaculate could be lost.
Bacterial contamination could happen.
The acid vaginal pH could be deleterious for sperm motility.
Semen analysis:
The volume of the semen sample must be more than 1,5 ml.
The approximate number of total sperm cells, sperm motility/forward progression, and % of sperm with normal morphology are measured.
Hyperspermia has a high volume more than 6 ml.
Hypospermia has a low volume less than 0,5 ml.
Semen deficiencies are labeled as follows:
Oligospermia or oligozoospermia – decreased number of spermatozoa in semen
Aspermia – complete lack of semen
Hypospermia – reduced seminal volume
Azoospermia – absence of sperm cells in semen
Teratospermia – increase in sperm with abnormal morphology
Asthenozoospermia – reduced sperm motility
Necrozoospermia – all sperm in the ejaculate are dead
Leucospermia – a high level of white blood cells in semen
Normozoospermia or normospermia – normal values of all ejaculate parameters and is unexplained Infertility.
Teratoasthenozoospermia, which is reduced sperm morphology and motility.
Low sperm counts are often associated with decreased sperm motility and increased abnormal sperm morphology.
Common hormonal testing includes determination of FSH and testosterone levels.
Genetic causes of infertility: Klinefelter syndrome, a Y chromosome microdeletion, or cystic fibrosis can be detected.
Scrotal ultrasonography may detect signs of testicular dysgenesis, (which is often related to an impaired spermatogenesis and to a higher risk of testicular cancer), testicular lesions suggestive of malignancy,
decreased testicular vascularization characteristic of testicular torsion, hyperemia observed in epididymo-orchitis or in some malignant conditions such as lymphoma and leukemia.
Doppler ultrasonography useful in assessing venous reflux in case of a varicocele.
Dilation of the head or tail of the epididymis is suggestive of obstruction or inflammation of the male reproductive tract, and abnormalities in the texture of the epididymis are associated with abnormalities in sperm parameters.
Scrotal and transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) can detect uni- or bilateral congenital absence of the vas deferens, which may be associated with abnormalities or agenesis of the epididymis, seminal vesicles or kidneys, and indicate the need for testicular sperm extraction.
TRUS helps assess azoospermia caused by obstruction, and detecting distal congenital absence of bilateral vas deferens or anomalies related to obstruction of the ejaculatory duct, such as abnormalities within the duct itself, a median cyst of the prostate or an impairment of the seminal vesicles to become enlarged or emptied.
Prevention of male infertility:
Avoiding smoking as it damages sperm DNA
Avoiding heavy marijuana and alcohol use.
Avoiding excessive heat to the testes.
Maintaining optimal frequency of coital activity.
Sperm counts can be depressed by daily coital activity and sperm motility may be depressed by coital activity that takes place too infrequently with abstinence, 10–14 days or more.
Wearing a protective cup and jockstrap to protect the testicles, in any sport such as baseball, football, cricket, lacrosse, hockey, softball, paintball, rodeo, motorcross, wrestling, soccer, karate or other martial arts or any sport where a ball, foot, arm, knee or bat can come into contact with the groin.
Diet: Healthy diets rich in such nutrients as omega-3 fatty acids, some antioxidants and vitamins, and low in saturated fatty acids (SFAs) and trans-fatty acids (TFAs) are inversely associated with low semen quality parameters.
Fish, shellfish and seafood, poultry, cereals, vegetables and fruits, and low-fat dairy products have been positively related to sperm quality.
Diets rich in processed meat, soy foods, potatoes, full-fat dairy products, coffee, alcohol and sugar-sweetened beverages and sweets have been inversely associated with the quality of semen in some studies.
Studies relating male nutrient or food intake and fecundability suggest that diets rich in red meat, processed meat, tea and caffeine are associated with a lower rate of fecundability.
Treatments:
Testicular-based male infertility tends to be resistant to medication.
Usual approaches include using the sperm for intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), or IVF with intracytoplasmatic sperm injection (ICSI).
With IVF-ICSI even with a few sperm pregnancies can be achieved.
Obstructive causes of post-testicular infertility can be fixed with either surgery or IVF-ICSI.
Surgery may play a role with varicocoelectomy, vasectomy reversal, dand sperm retrieval.
Ejaculation abnormalities, may be treatable by medication, or by IUI therapy or IVF.
Vitamin E helps counter oxidative stress that may be present and is associated with sperm DNA damage and reduced sperm motility.
The sperm count may be improved with a hormone/antioxidant combination therapy.
Giving oral antioxidants to men in couples undergoing in vitro fertilisation for male factor or unexplained subfertility may lead to an increase in the live birth rate but overall the risk of adverse effects is unclear.[54]
Administration of luteinizing hormone (LH), or human chorionic gonadotropin, and follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) is very effective in the treatment of male infertility due to hypogonadotropic hypogonadism.
Exogenous testosterone therapy is ineffective in benefiting men with low sperm count, because very high local levels of testosterone in the testes are required and exogenous testosterone therapy cannot achieve these required high local concentrations.
Exogenous androgen therapy can actually impair or abolish male fertility by suppressing gonadotropin secretion from the pituitary gland, as seen in users of androgens/anabolic steroids, who often have partially or completely suppressed sperm production.
The suppression of gonadotropin levels results in decreased testicular androgen production with diminished local concentrations in the testes.
FSH is independently critical for spermatogenesis, but LH has little role in male fertility outside of inducing gonadal testosterone production.
Estrogen, at some concentration, has been found to be essential for male fertility/spermatogenesis.
Estrogen levels that are too high can impair male fertility by suppressing gonadotropin secretion and thereby diminishing intratesticular androgen levels.
Clomiphene citrate and aromatase inhibitors such as testolactone or anastrozole have shown effectiveness in benefiting spermatogenesis.
Low-dose estrogen and testosterone combination therapy may improve sperm count and motility in some men, including in men with severe oligospermia.
A study was done in 1992 with men who had never experienced infertility showed that the amount of sperm in semen had declined by 1% per year since 1938: other more recent studies confirm the decline in sperm count, sperm count, motility, morphology and seminal volume.
Other research has confirmed the decline in sperm count and also seminal volume: this has been a worldwide phenomenon.
Some factors may include exposure to high temperatures: A 1 degree increase in temperature will reduce 14% of spermatogenesis.
There are a variety of social stigmas that surround male infertility throughout the world.
This decline in male fertility: Proposed explanations include lifestyle factors, such as diet, and environmental endocrine disruptors, such as those found in plastics.

We begin in the gaming room, where we see Tari on the couch playing Lies Of P, Luigi playing some pong by himself for some reason (and somehow still losing), Bob and Boopkins playing that weird ass version of Monopoly they like, and Mario on the computer ordering some Pizza.
Pizza Chef: What kind of toppings would you like?
Mario contemplates the meaning of the question for a moment, wandering deep within the wrinkles of his brain in search of an answer. But that didn't work so he just resorted to smashing the keyboard and bury the digital chef in toppings until we are left with an abomination of an order that will be ready shortly.
Mario: PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
And he's off to go get the goods, zipping by Meggy who has entered the room with her own box of goods in hand. Surprisingly enough, we also see Whimpu and Belle tagging along.
Belle: Whats got him all worked up?
Meggy: Eh, you know how Red is around food.
Boopkins: Oh! Ko'nichiwa Whimpu-sama, it's been a while.
Whimpu: It is good to see you too, my Furui Yūjin.
Belle: Oi rags, I got the vials. Bushmaster's blend.
Bob: Oh hell yeah! I'll get the vase!
Belle: Aces.
As Bob go gets the "vase" and the weebs start catching up, We see that Tari has just beaten the Puppet King. She collapses into her seat in releif as Clench starts cheering. And it only took them 35 tries.
Clench: THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE MVP! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE GOAT! THE GOAT!
Tari: heh Oh, hey Meggy.
Meggy: Hey Tari! Guess what I goooooooot.
She then noticed the box Meggy's hands, which was more than enough to get her on her feet.
Tari: gasp Is that.........?
Yep, within the box was none other than Gnomeson's gourmet candies. We look to the window seeing Gnomeson himself.
Gnomeson: TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHER******!
Tari: Oh my gosh, you actually found him!?
Meggy: Yeah, we met up at the gym and he hooked me up.
Tari: Then what are we waiting for?
Meggy takes a seat and they both......um.....I'm struggling to find a cigarette analogy to describe this. Anyway, they both take a lollipop.
We then shift perspectives to SMG3 and SMG4 as they begin to head out.
SMG4: Oh C'mon, Three. This'll be fun! ...........Y'know, as long as you behave yourself.
SMG3: I will, I will! Geez, you're the closest thing to a mother I've ever had.
Just then, Mario triumphantly returns with his bounty of 10 whateverthef*** specials. Nice and piping hot.
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- Hm? Oh, hi SMG4! Hey, where are you going?
SMG4: We're heading over to Bloopersville to meet up with FM and X. Apparently they got new looks sometime after the whole Lawyer Kong thing.
SMG3: Yeah, I can't wait to see how dumb they look now. Just wait until they get a look of me.
SMG4: Yeeeaaaah. Anyways, we're gonna be gone for a bit. Don't you have TOO much fun, now! Heh heh..........also at least TRY not to set anything on fire, okay?
Mario: Pingas.
SMG4: Close enough. Let's go.
Now they're off on their honeymoon trip, leaving Mario with an...........idea.
That's right, IT'S HOUSE PARTY TIME!!!!
The main hall is a buzz with games and laughter. We see Bob and Rob cheering on Kaizo as he bobs for corn, Chris and Swag playing Pin The Tail On The Teletubby with Luigi, Boopkins teaching Jub Jub how to play Bakugan, Shroomy doing some target practice, and Whimpu showing off his cool rock collection to impress the ladies. Well, more like lady since Melony is the only one who's actually paying attention to the shiny things.
Whimpu: And this is Neodymium glass. It can actually change colors depending on the lighting of the surrounding environment.
Melony: Wooooow! That's so cool. What does that one do?
Whimpu: Oh, this is just Mahogany Obsidian.
Saiko: It's a wonder how she's still awake.
Belle: Honestly, I can't blame her. It's like a Spanish soap opera. You don't know what the hell they're saying, but then you start to piece together what's happening then your hooked.
Saiko: You really have gotten a lot softer, haven't ya.
Belle: Oi, Pot. You got something to say to the Kettle?
Saiko: chuckles Alright, alright. Forget I said anything.
We see Tari and Meggy headed to the party table with their Gnomish Candies..........where Meggy noticed Mario with his Pizzas coming over as well. Mario then takes notice of the girls and their Candy. It was when their gazes met that thing's started to get quiet. Everybody took notice of the two staring each other down at the party table.
Meggy: Hey there, Red. What ya got there?
Mario: Pizza. How about you?
Meggy: Oh, just some candy.
Mario: I see.
The energy has changed. Meggy turned her gaze to her fellow Sweet Tooths, and Mario turned his gaze to his fellow Greasy Bois. The line has been drawn. The board is set. All the pieces are taking their places. Their gazes meat once again. A fiery determination glowed within both.
Mario: So................what happens now?
A rhetorical question. You know what happens now. Brace yourselves people, for you are about to witness a...........
Mario & Meggy: FOOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!
And here we go! The main hall is a Frenzy as sweets, spice, and everything completely unhealthy roars through the air. Kaizo and Bob clash blades, their movements as swift as lightning as sugar and grease flake off like sparks with each strike. Whimpu lays down suppressing fire with a fan of Pretzels as Belle showers the room with a hail of Doritos. Shroomy is blasting condiments in all directions, Saiko's KFC hammer shakes the earth with every impact. Chris and Swag take artillery positions, raining down rock candy artillery as Melony retaliates against Luigi's Unicorn Lollipop Lance with her Pizza Sword, all while Boopkins, Jub Jub, and Tari act as field medics for the Sweet Tooths. We then pan over to Mario using his Pizza Shield to deflect the projectiles of Meggy's M&M16.
Meggy: It's no use, Mario! I have the high ground! Surrender now and we can end this quickly!
Mario: You wish it would be that easy.
Mario throws his hat, but Meggy dodges into the air. She aims down sights towards Mario. All she needs is one clean shot and-
BAM!!!! A surprise sideswipe sends her skidding. Luckily, Tari was able to catch her. Both were shocked to see none other than Pepperman! Mario catches his hat and plops it on with a smirk.
Mario: Thank's for the save, Peppino.
We pan over to see Peppino Spaghetti and his whole crew tipping the balance of the battle. It looks like Mario called in backup this time around, leaving the Sweet Tooths outnumbered by the Greasy Bois.
Meggy: Dammit.........FALL BACK TO THE CAFE!
And so, the Greasy Bois are victorious as the Sweet Tooths are pushed back to SMG3's Café. A Pizza Tower is placed on top of the Castle as proof of their dominion. An impressive win, but this was just the first battle in a war that has just begun.
Behind the Cafe's doors, the Sweet Tooths have regrouped and are now planning their counter attack. Boopkins and Jub Jub are preparing what appear to be makeshift candy explosives. Once the prep work is done, they gather around Meggy as Tari lays out a map of the Greasy Bois' Pizza Tower.
Meggy: We're never gonna end this war if we can't retake the Snack Table, and we can't take back the Snack Table without getting through that Tower.
She points to four different areas of the map.
Meggy: Mario and the Greasy Bois have the Table stashed at the top of the Tower. They may outnumber us, but we'll have a better chance if we can deal with each floor without alerting the floor above. Once we've reached the top and all the ICDs are placed, we deliver our last payload to the Table and bring the whole thing crashing down.
Tari: We lost our last battle because we couldn't take them all at once, so this time we'll need to take them on one floor at a time. It is crucial that we stay together in order to have the numbers advantage against each single floor, so no slacking behind and no rushing in alone.
Luigi: The ICDs are ready for transport Ma'am.
Meggy: Excellent. Any word from our scouts?
Chris: Front door is a no-go. Too heavily guarded. Swag had to stay behind to cover our escape. God be with him.
Bob: Our best chance is to enter through the window of SMG4's room. That will give us the clearest path up stairs.
Meggy: Alright then. Remember to stick together and stick to the shadows. Do not engage unless I give the order. You need to take someone out? Do it quietly. Everybody ready?
The whole team nods in agreement. Meggy turns to Tari, who gives a confident smile.
Tari: We can do this.
Meggy: Then what are we waiting for? Let's give em a good ol' fashioned Sweet Tooth Surprise!
And so the Sweet Tooths are off, preparing to make their move under the cover of night. Kaizo notices them mobilizing as he scouts from the roof of the Castle.
At the peak of the Tower, we see Saiko and Belle dragging Swag to the foot of Mario's Pizza Throne. By his side is Peppino, watching down upon the interloper with a judgemental gaze.
Saiko: Kaizo saw this one skulking around the Main Lobby.
Peppino: I see. What exactly were you doing here, hm?
Swag: Oh, nothing. I was just waiting on a date.
Peppino: Is that so. And who exactly is this date of yours?
Swag: Your mom LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
And just close that, he was sent to THE PIT! Which in reality was just a kiddypool full of Extra Hot Marinara Sauce that REALLY stings when you get it in your eyes. It was then that Kaizo had arrived to deliver the news.
Kaizo: The Sweet Tooths are making their move. It looks like they plan on taking the fight to us. We should act now.
Belle: HA! I say let the Gutbags try.
Whimpu: But if they get here, they could take our table and all will be lost!
Peppino: Indeed. Without the table, our Golden Crispy Kingdom will be lost forever! We must mobilize and-
Mario: No.
All eyes turn to Mario as he walks to the edge and turns his gaze to the Showgrounds below.
Mario: Let them come. Let them see our glory and try to stop us. These Grounds are just the beginning. We shall soon spread across the Mushroom Kingdom. Then the country. Then the world. All shall know the glory of the Greasy Bois! AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Well that escalated quickly. Though, I've seen worse paths to world domination than a house party turned civil war.
Anywho, the Sweet Tooths enter through SMG4's Room Window, with Meggy and Bob quickly dispatching some Pig Cops.
Bob: I love myself some fresh ham. So good you could ea-
Meggy: Bob I swear to Greg I will actually murder you.
Once the room is secured, the rest enter and Tari is the first to enter the main hall, her Candycane Crossbow at the ready. Luigi and Boopkins are right behind her as they make their way up the staircase. At the door, Luigi uses his Astral projection to peer into the floor above. Apart from a few Cheeseslimes, the coast seems to be clear for the most part. He returns to his body after locating the entrance to the tower.
Luigi: Alright. We should be clear to proceed.
Clench: I don't like this. It sounds like we're walking into a-
?????: Going somewhere?
The trio quickly turns to see Saiko, Kaizo, and Melony on the edge of the balcony. Boopkins quickly aims his Dessert Eagle as Luigi readies his Unicorn Lollipop Lance, but Tari is frozen in fear with her back to the door desperately trying to get it open.
Saiko: Well well well..........
Saiko makes her way towards Tari as Kaizo and Melony face off against Boopkins and Luigi. Tari raises her crossbow as Saiko approaches.
Tari: Stay back! I'm warning you!
She fires a Candycane, but Saiko catches it with ease and crushes it in her hand. She then rips the Crossbow from Tari's hands and pins her against the door by the shoulder.
Clench: Hey, watch it! It takes hours to get a jacket looking this good.
Tari: I.......I'll never surrender to you!
Saiko: Come on, Tari. You can be so much more than this. Just come with us, and we can have a little talk.
Their talk is interrupted by a boot to Saiko's face, courtesy of Meggy. Saiko tries to retaliate with a swing of her hammer, but is intercepted by Bob and sent flying off the balcony with a well timed parry. Chris arrives, pulls Tari aside, and blows the doors wide open with his FR-GL.
Chris: Come on you apes! Do you wanna live forever!?
Bob: Keep going, guys! We'll hold them off!
Tari snaps out of her shock and makes her way through the door alongside Meggy, and Chris. They all make their way to the entrance of the Pizza Tower, where they encounter Shroomy with his dual condiment cannons.
Shroomy: Stop right there! No sugary treats are allowed beyond this point.
Chris: Don't worry. I got this.
Tari looks over to Chris preparing something. He swiftly slides a can of sugar frosted sardines right at Shroomy's feet.
Chris: Wait for it.
Shroomy: I will now require your immediate and unconditional surren-
Suddenly, a bear rips it's way through the woodworks, scooping up the sardines and thrashes Shroomy around before dragging him screaming below the floorboards. Looking back on it, I realize having so much unguarded food in a location surrounded by woodlands that are full of wild animals probably wasn't the best idea.
But enough semantics. It's time for our PIZZA TOWER ANY PERCENT SPEEDRUN. Our trio blitzes through each floor with breakneck pace Meggy's aim is swift and true. Chris' explosive ordinance blankets the battlefield, and Tari.......well, she's too busy trying to keep up while also setting up each ICD within the tower. Their progress is interrupted with the arrival of Peppino along with Pepperman, Vigilante, and The Noise. The battle is intense, as each side throws everything they have at one another.
Vigilante: Ya got moxie, kid. But ya'll need more than that.
Meggy simply smirks as she notices Pepperman coming in hot from behind trying to get in another sideswipe. But as Vigilante unloads a hail of bullets, Meggy expertly dodges and Pepperman ends up passing right below her. He gets riddled with bullets as he crashes into Vigilante, taking them both out.
Meggy: That enough Moxie for ya?
Pepperman/Vigilante: My scrotums.
We then cut to Chris facing off against the Noise, who isn't really fighting him so much as trying to bore him to death with an "intimidating" speech.
Noise: I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire PT armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my-
Chris just pulls out an RPG and blows his ass to high heaven. That just leaves us with Tari setting up another ICD before being confronted by Peppino, who uses his signature beyblade attack. Tari panicks as she frantically tries to avoid getting ripped up, but is driven into a corner.
Peppino: Give up, blue girl. Your gaming skills are no match for the Spaghetti Family Swag.
It is then that Tari notices a crate next to her labeled "Materiali Pericolosi". Seeing no other option, she quickly rummages through the crate as Peppino goes in for another attack. But right in the nick of time, Tari manages to force feed him a freshly baked pizza. With Pineapple. The crime against Italy is too much for Peppino to handle as he collapses onto the ground screaming and defeated. Tari very awkwardly steps around the suffering Italian man and regroups with the others as the trio makes their way to the final battle. They make their way to Mario's Throne Room, where Bell is ready with her Takigun and Whimpu is using Rob as a Spear as they guard the Snack Table.
Belle: C'mon ya Muckers! Ya feeling lucky?!
Whimpu: Surrender now if you value your lives.
Rob: Please put me down I am very tired.
Meggy: Let us handle the goons. You just focus on delivering that payload.
Tari nervously clutches the last ICD as Meggy and Chris lock and load.
Chris: This is for Swag, you Greasy Bitches!
Chris kicks off the fight with a barrage from his FRGL, while Belle and Meggy exchange hails of gunfire. Tari makes a break straight for the Snack Table. Whimpu is in hot pursuit, rearing Rob for a surprise attack but is then intercepted by Chris's boot.
Chris: Keep going! I'll cover you!
Whimpu proceeds to swing Rob around like a hammer at Chris, much to Rob's motion sick dismay. Belle is still preoccupied with Meggy as Tari see the table. But right as she is about to set the device...........
Mario: Hey stinky!
Tari looks up and is shocked to see Mario standing on top of the massive floating Pizza with a sinister face.
Mario: Your pathetic resistance ends now, Sweet Tooths! Me and Pizzaface here are gonna show you what's for! With our combined pow-
But just then, Pizzaface flips around and flings Mario straight into the floor.
Mario: HEY, WHAT THE F***! We're supposed to be working together!
Pizzaface: YOU THINK I FORGOT OUR LAST MEETING, MARIO? THE ONE WHERE YOU ATE ME?
Mario: Oh.............I sense I've made a mistake of some kind.
Pizzaface then goes on a rampage, crashing into everything in sight. Belle is unfortunately caught in one of Pizzaface's attacks, knocking her unconscious. Whimpu drops rob and heroically catches her in his arms before running away to safety. Chris and Meggy open fire on him, but are then sent flying with a whip from his green pepper mustache. Meggy is flung towards the balcony, hanging from the edge, whereas Chris is flung into the PIT where Swag is.......chilling, for some reason.
Chris: OH GOD MY EYES AAAAAAAAHH!!!!
Swag: Oh hey Chris. I just made some Bloody Maries.
Tari is petrified in fear as Pizzaface stares her down with a sadistic grin. She crumples to the ground, clutching her head as she braces for the end. But just as all seems lost........
Clench: Hey, Tari........
Tari turns her attention to her robot arm.
Clench: We have a mission to complete. Remember?
Tari: I......I don't know what to do. Everyone's down and everything is falling apart. Clench.........
Tears begin to well up in her eyes.
Clench: Listen to me. I know you're scared, but that hasn't stopped you before, has it? Remember that time Waluigi turned everyone into zombies and tried to take over the world, and you saved everybody by beating him at a fighting game?Remember when Meggy was abducted by that lizard weeb guy, and you joined the assault on Anime Island to save her? Remember when that Zero guy tried to recycle the universe and you joined the fight to beat him? And surely you remember the time you were stuck in some kind of bootleg Westworld and created your own pocket dimension to save everybody? Those were all scary too, weren't they?
Tari contemplates Clench's words. Those moments WERE scary.......yet that didn't stop her from helping her friends when it mattered the most.
Clench: You don't need to be fearless to be brave, Tari. You just gotta do what needs doing.
It was in that moment Tari felt something. She got back up to her feet and gazed defiantly straight into Pizzaface's Pepperonis. Her fear didn't disappear......it just didn't matter anymore. Clench was right. You don't have to be fearless to be brave.
Just then, Tari's eyes lit up with a vivid azure hue as a surge of energy coarsed threw her. Meggy managed to pull herself up just in time to see Tari levitating in the air. From her back emerged a pair of translucent blue wings crackling with energy. Tari then flew into the sky, breaching the clouds as the first sight of dawn broke. She then rocketed back down at Mach speed, her robotic arm crackling with power as it made contact with Pizzaface's cheese. The two crashed through the tower's floors, before breaking through the Castle's roof. Both Greasy Bois and Sweet Tooths present ceased their fighting as a massive crash shook the foundations of the Main Hall. When the dust had settled, they saw a crater in the main hall riddled in Pizzaface's mechanical remains. At the center of the crater was severely mangled Pizzahead and an unconscious Tari.
We then cut to later in the morning. SMG3 and SMG4 return to see the Castle abuzz with activity. The war was over, the Pizza Tower was destroyed, The Sweet Tooths and Greasy Bois have reached a truce, and the festivities had resumed. We see Kaizo bobbing for corn as Bob, Rob, and the Noise cheer him on. We see Boopkins, Jub Jub, and Melony sitting down as the Vigilante tells them the story of how the military once bombed his buddy Keith. Whimpu is once again showing off his rock collection to Belle, who seems to be actually paying attention this time. Chris and Swag are laying back and enjoying some Bloody Maries as Shroomy arm wrestles Pepperman. At the foyer we see Peppino and Mario spinning pizzas and playing tunes on the turntables. The SMGs make their way to the Gaming Room where they see Saiko and Meggy watching over Tari as she lays down on the couch.
SMG4: Looks like we missed quite the party, huh?
SMG3: I'll say, judging by the hole in the ceiling. And the Crater in the main hall. And the ambulance outside. And the tower pieces every- WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?
Meggy: It's a long story. How you holding up, soldier?
Tari: Just fine, captain. A little dizzy, though.
Saiko: I have to admit. You did quite a number on poor Pizzahead. I didn't think you had it in you to even fight someone, let alone.........THAT.
Tari looks down at her robot arm.
Tari: Yeah. Neither did I.
SMG4: Well, the Castle is still in one piece for the most part, so I guess it's fine. It's definitely gonna delay the second floor, though.
Saiko: Hey, how was your trip to Bloopersville?
SMG3: ABSOLUTELY EMBARRASSING! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT FM GOT ABS AND I DIDN'T! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!?
SMG3 continues to be a deva as the camera zooms out from the Castle and into the woodlands, where we see.......something........moving in the trees as the screen fades to black and the credits role.

Hello everyone, I need some help if possible. 32M, and I’m a hypochondriac. I feel like this all started after I had Covid in late January. My next door neighbor passed away of colon cancer the following week, and it triggered my health anxiety. I’ve never felt how bad I’m currently feeling in my 33 years.
I started obsessing over my bowel movements. Were they too small, too loose, etc? I started searching things up online and googling, and everything I read suggested colon cancer. Over the next week or so I felt a sensation of if I was sitting on a “small lump, knot, pea, etc”. I can also describe it as if there’s a piece of toilet paper stuck between my butt cheeks, or as if my boxers are shoved between my cheeks. It’s very hard to describe. I feel it the most when I’m sitting. If I’m sitting, and I move my butt cheeks a certain way, I don’t feel it as much. When I’m standing up, walking, or laying down, I don’t feel it as much either. Again, I searched up symptoms of this, and the worse outcome that I read about was cancer.
I couldn’t take it anymore, faced my fears, and went to my primary doctor the first week of February. I explained my whole situation to him. He did a rectal exam and said the only thing he felt was a small hemorrhoid between what he described as “the 6 to 9 area”. He also suggested I get blood work, since I hadn’t gotten any done since 2021. He gave me a steroid cream for the hemorrhoid. I asked him if he recommend me going to see a GI doctor, and he said he didn’t think it was necessary, and would only recommend me for my own piece of mind. I left there feeling relieved that he “supposedly” felt something, and it wasn’t “unknown”. I didn’t use the cream because for the next 10 days after my appointment I felt like a new person. I didn’t feel that sensation anymore at all. I thought maybe it was all in my head, or maybe my doctor moved the hemorrhoid around? I didn’t know if that was possible or not. However, a week and a half later went by, and I could start feeling the same sensation coming back. That was around February 18th. From that point until now, it’s been bothering me. Every single day since then, I’ve been searching things up online, reading people’s stories, reading articles, etc. I’ve probably read the same things multiple times trying to tell myself that I was ok. My anxiety and stress is through the roof, my body hurts. My arms ache from time to time, and I keep getting pains above my rib cage, and lower belly area. The right side of my back and shoulder blades hurt as well. My body doesn’t hurt when I press certain areas, but I get achy pain from time to time on my right lower side. Is it stressed induced? Nothing swollen or lumps from what I can feel. Now, because that’s hurting, I’m thinking it has something to do with this other problem. I’m hoping it’s just because I’ve been in fight or flight mode for the past 2 months. I felt like I needed more answers so I made an appointment with a GI doctor. I went to him on March 7th and it was not a good experience, and I received nothing but bad vibes from him. I sat in his office explained everything to him, for 15 mins. He wrote everything down, and all he had to say was, I think you should get a colonoscopy. Not what he thought it may be, not even an exam, just “colonoscopy”. I understand that he’s a GI doctor, and that’s there go to, but I felt like if I went in there and told him my foot hurt, he would say get a “colonoscopy”. Not that I wanted to have one done, but I asked him if he could do an exam. He did, and said he didn’t feel anything concerning. I asked him if the colonoscopy was urgent, and he said, no, not urgent, but I’d get one for piece of mind. Obviously, he could tell I was worried beyond belief. Since that didn’t go so well, I made an appointment with another GI doctor my father goes too. That appointment isn’t until April 15th. I just feel so hopeless, feel like each day is a day that goes by where I could be dying, and I’m desperate to talk to someone. Some days I feel good, and sometimes I feel like I’m back at square one. I did speak with another doctor, and he said he thinks it could be my internal anal sphincter muscles spasming, and to look into pelvic floor physical therapy, and a lot of tother things happening are stress related.
I feel like when there’s days I feel good, I say to myself please don’t come back and then it’s back. It doesn’t wake me up in the middle of the night, and I feel like it only comes on when I start my day, moving around, sitting, etc. I also have to say that after I have a bowel movement, I feel like I never get everything when I wipe which then leads to itching (rare), burning (rare), etc as I go throughout my day. I did go for my routine bloodwork and everything came back normal. If I sit on the edge of a chair or seat I tend to feel better, and don’t feel the sensation. I feel like I use to go to the bathroom for years just to try and go. I’d sit there for 20 mins and only a little bit would come out, sometimes strained, but never thought anything of it.
Here are some things I’ve tried so far: 1. Metamucil - made my stools softer and easier. They are very bulky, and big. If someone had colon cancer would Metamucil still make the stools normal like?

1. Warm/Hot Baths - helps for a little

Symptoms I’ve had: 1. Sensation of something being by the opening of my butt cheeks

1. Lump underneath between my anus and scrotum (rare)
   
2. Sensation of a piece of toilet paper being stuck between my butt cheeks
   
3. Itching and burning after I wipe and pull my pants up (rare)
   
4. Wiping my butt a few hours after a bowel movement and stuff still being on the toilet paper
   
5. Rare, but if I have a bowel movement that I have to push or strain to much, I see streaks of blood on the outside of my stool (very small at the end), blood drops in the toilet bowl, and very little blood on the toilet paper (all bright red)
   

In my 32 years I’ve only had blood in the toilet or on toilet paper about 10 times.

1. What do you think it is?
   
2. Should I be concerned?
   
3. Would I have any other symptoms with colon cancer?
   
4. What type of fiber supplements do you recommend?
   
5. Where do I go from here?
   

Hello everyone, I need some help if possible. 32M, and I’m a hypochondriac. I feel like this all started after I had Covid in late January. My next door neighbor passed away of colon cancer the following week, and it triggered my health anxiety. I’ve never felt how bad I’m currently feeling in my 33 years.
I started obsessing over my bowel movements. Were they too small, too loose, etc? I started searching things up online and googling, and everything I read suggested colon cancer. Over the next week or so I felt a sensation of if I was sitting on a “small lump, knot, pea, etc”. I can also describe it as if there’s a piece of toilet paper stuck between my butt cheeks, or as if my boxers are shoved between my cheeks. It’s very hard to describe. I feel it the most when I’m sitting. If I’m sitting, and I move my butt cheeks a certain way, I don’t feel it as much. When I’m standing up, walking, or laying down, I don’t feel it as much either. Again, I searched up symptoms of this, and the worse outcome that I read about was cancer.
I couldn’t take it anymore, faced my fears, and went to my primary doctor the first week of February. I explained my whole situation to him. He did a rectal exam and said the only thing he felt was a small hemorrhoid between what he described as “the 6 to 9 area”. He also suggested I get blood work, since I hadn’t gotten any done since 2021. He gave me a steroid cream for the hemorrhoid. I asked him if he recommend me going to see a GI doctor, and he said he didn’t think it was necessary, and would only recommend me for my own piece of mind. I left there feeling relieved that he “supposedly” felt something, and it wasn’t “unknown”. I didn’t use the cream because for the next 10 days after my appointment I felt like a new person. I didn’t feel that sensation anymore at all. I thought maybe it was all in my head, or maybe my doctor moved the hemorrhoid around? I didn’t know if that was possible or not. However, a week and a half later went by, and I could start feeling the same sensation coming back. That was around February 18th. From that point until now, it’s been bothering me. Every single day since then, I’ve been searching things up online, reading people’s stories, reading articles, etc. I’ve probably read the same things multiple times trying to tell myself that I was ok. My anxiety and stress is through the roof, my body hurts. My arms ache from time to time, and I keep getting pains above my rib cage, and lower belly area. The right side of my back and shoulder blades hurt as well. My body doesn’t hurt when I press certain areas, but I get achy pain from time to time on my right lower side. Is it stressed induced? Nothing swollen or lumps from what I can feel. Now, because that’s hurting, I’m thinking it has something to do with this other problem. I’m hoping it’s just because I’ve been in fight or flight mode for the past 2 months. I felt like I needed more answers so I made an appointment with a GI doctor. I went to him on March 7th and it was not a good experience, and I received nothing but bad vibes from him. I sat in his office explained everything to him, for 15 mins. He wrote everything down, and all he had to say was, I think you should get a colonoscopy. Not what he thought it may be, not even an exam, just “colonoscopy”. I understand that he’s a GI doctor, and that’s there go to, but I felt like if I went in there and told him my foot hurt, he would say get a “colonoscopy”. Not that I wanted to have one done, but I asked him if he could do an exam. He did, and said he didn’t feel anything concerning. I asked him if the colonoscopy was urgent, and he said, no, not urgent, but I’d get one for piece of mind. Obviously, he could tell I was worried beyond belief. Since that didn’t go so well, I made an appointment with another GI doctor my father goes too. That appointment isn’t until April 15th. I just feel so hopeless, feel like each day is a day that goes by where I could be dying, and I’m desperate to talk to someone. Some days I feel good, and sometimes I feel like I’m back at square one. I did speak with another doctor, and he said he thinks it could be my internal anal sphincter muscles spasming, and to look into pelvic floor physical therapy, and a lot of tother things happening are stress related.
I feel like when there’s days I feel good, I say to myself please don’t come back and then it’s back. It doesn’t wake me up in the middle of the night, and I feel like it only comes on when I start my day, moving around, sitting, etc. I also have to say that after I have a bowel movement, I feel like I never get everything when I wipe which then leads to itching (rare), burning (rare), etc as I go throughout my day. I did go for my routine bloodwork and everything came back normal. If I sit on the edge of a chair or seat I tend to feel better, and don’t feel the sensation. I feel like I use to go to the bathroom for years just to try and go. I’d sit there for 20 mins and only a little bit would come out, sometimes strained, but never thought anything of it.
Here are some things I’ve tried so far: 1. Metamucil - made my stools softer and easier. They are very bulky, and big. If someone had colon cancer would Metamucil still make the stools normal like?

1. Warm/Hot Baths - helps for a little

Symptoms I’ve had: 1. Sensation of something being by the opening of my butt cheeks

1. Lump underneath between my anus and scrotum (rare)
   
2. Sensation of a piece of toilet paper being stuck between my butt cheeks
   
3. Itching and burning after I wipe and pull my pants up (rare)
   
4. Wiping my butt a few hours after a bowel movement and stuff still being on the toilet paper
   
5. Rare, but if I have a bowel movement that I have to push or strain to much, I see streaks of blood on the outside of my stool (very small at the end), blood drops in the toilet bowl, and very little blood on the toilet paper (all bright red)
   

In my 32 years I’ve only had blood in the toilet or on toilet paper about 10 times.

1. What do you think it is?
   
2. Should I be concerned?
   
3. Would I have any other symptoms with colon cancer?
   
4. What type of fiber supplements do you recommend?
   
5. Where do I go from here?
   

As one, they leapt to attack.
Abbie knew she was in real trouble. She had fought Spirals in the past, but only two-on-one at the worst odds, and at those times she'd always had Razor Wind to give her the decisive edge. This time, she knew she'd never be able to get to her mageblade before at least one of these corrupted Garou could run her down from behind and shred her. She knew a number of spells that could make easy work of them, but they all cost more energy than she had in reserve right now, and most of them would at least damage her house if not utterly destroy it. In fact, she knew only one spell that would be suitable for this situation, and even that one cost more power than she had. Since she very much doubted that the Spirals would give her any time at all to recharge, she would have to use a desperation tactic and cast it using raw magic.
Abbie quickly extended her arms, palms facing the Spirals, and cast the spell. The icy fire of the astral energies burned though her entire body as she used herself to filter and shape the power. She felt it coruscate along her nerves and hoped it wouldn't damage her too much so she could have a chance to defeat any Spirals that managed to survive the spell.
An enormous wave of black flames laced with green lightning blasted from Abbie's open palms, filling the room and blocking her view of her attackers as it sped towards them. Miraculously, it slid off every object in the room, leaving them unaffected, but the Spirals would not be so lucky because they were living beings. She staggered back a step from the strain, her nerves feeling a bit cooked, but this was not over yet. She tuned her almost-fall into purposeful motion, twisting around and getting her feet back under her as she booked it towards the wall next to the stairs, where hung her bokken, the wooden sword she had used when learning kenjutsu. That just might give her a chance.
Abbie risked a quick look behind her as she ran, seeing the Spirals burst through the spell as it moved. One fell to the floor, horribly ravaged and howling in torment, with his fur singed down to the skin, smoking and showing long charred furrows where the lightning had carved into his flesh. Two others seemed to fly out completely upright, convulsing and screaming as they died, then were flung to either side as the big one behind them was revealed. Abbie knew what had happened: that big one had sunk his claws into their backs and used them as a meatshield to bull through the spell. That had saved him from the worst of the damage, but he had not escaped unscathed. Roaring in pain and fury, he bounded towards her as she finally reached her bokken and turned to face the threat.
As he approached, Abbie aimed a strike diagonally towards his head, but the big Spiral backhanded her bokken with his left arm, completely shattering both the sword and his own forearm while bringing his right paw around, claws cruelly extended, in a roundhouse swipe meant to disembowel her. She immediately dropped the now-useless hilt, quickly stepping inside the reach of the Spiral's long arms, so close that she could feel his fetid breath on her nape as he loomed over her for an instant. Clenching her right fist, she unloaded the hardest punch she could muster directly into his solar plexus, putting her entire body and spirit behind the blow.
The impact lifted the big Spiral off his feet and flung him away. The other Spiral was still yelping and writhing on the floor, so Abbie concentrated on the big one for now. She watched him land on his back, crushing an armchair and rolling over backwards to somehow come up on three limbs, coughing and gasping from her mighty punch. He was injured, and perhaps had a bit more respect for her now, but both of them knew that Garou could regenerate frighteningly quickly. Already his flopping, shattered left arm was beginning to straighten as it healed.
There was an excellent chance that Abbie would not survive this encounter; she knew that as well as the Spirals did, but she was still far from helpless. An Akashic fighter was not an opponent to underestimate, especially one who had been destroying powerful foes for three centuries, unarmed or not. Abbie could not waste time; she had to press the attack in order to retain her advantage, even as small as it was. If she was fated to die tonight, she would show them exactly why they had to send four Spirals to take her down, and she would Gaia-damned well MAKE these evil motherfuckers remember her!
SHE WOULD NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!!
Her own fury now eclipsing her fear, Abbie leaped impossibly fast across the room. She repeated the maneuver she'd used against the fomor, but with a difference: this time she oriented her feet towards the big Spiral as she flew. Her target was just standing to his full height, inhaling for another roar, when she extended her legs, again putting her entire body and spirit behind the attack. For a split second she had the satisfaction of seeing genuine surprise on the big Spiral's hyena face as her bare feet slammed into his barrel chest.
Both of them felt his ribs crack and break as the strike knocked him back against the wall of her pantry, his breath exploding out of his maw in a loud "GHAH!' accompanied by a spurt of black blood. Landing on her feet, Abbie pressed further, leaping vertically into a backspin kick. Her left heel smashed into the left side of his muzzle, dazing him and breaking off several teeth, the force embedding them into the exterior wall to his right. Landing again, Abbie now saw a juicy target of opportunity. They might not be fighting in the street, or even a street, but those rules definitely applied here. Baring her own teeth in a snarl, she brought her fist up in a ferocious uppercut....directly into the Spiral's crotch.
The Garou roared in pure agony as his scrotum exploded, spattering Abbie with bits of crushed testes. She rolled out of the way as he fell to his knees, then she attacked again, her left hand grabbing his right ear, and wrenched his head to one side. Using that for leverage, she hammered her right fist into the side of the Spiral's face over and over, feeling the bone crack with every strike.
But she had miscalculated; the big spiral had recovered faster than she thought he would. Pain erupted in her belly as his right forepaw came up to drive its claws into her gut and fling her to the other side of the room. She bounced off the wall and landed in a heap behind a sofa, instinctively trying to hold her slashed intestines in through her shredded shirt with both hands, but failing. Dimly, she heard the big Spiral regain his feet and stalk over to where she lay bleeding and dying. She still had enough energy for a healing spell to save her life, but that would not be enough to prevent the Spiral from killing her now.
Abbie watched the sofa being effortlessly moved aside by the Spiral. He looked directly into her eyes, and she fearlessly looked right back, refusing to give him the satisfaction of being afraid of him. His muzzle was askew and the right side of his face was a bit caved in from her punches, and his right ear had been nearly torn off, but he was again already regenerating. Seeing the cold, hateful fury in his eyes, she took some small comfort from having done as much as she had. Oh yes, he would definitely remember fighting her for a long time, and because of that he would not simply watch her die. His pride literally demanded that he kill her with his own claws.
Defiantly baring her teeth and still refusing to look away or close her eyes, Abbie watched the Spiral lift his arm to deliver the deathblow.
As the Spiral's sharp-clawed paw reached its full height and was about to strike, Abbie suddenly saw another shimmer in the air, and a huge gray blur hit the Spiral from his left, knocking him out of her field of view in a splatter of blood. Seeing an opportunity to survive at least a little while longer, Abbie immediately cast her healing spell. She felt the comforting warmth spread through her body as her intestines slithered back inside her abdomen. She might just live through this yet, but the regeneration would take time. Meanwhile, she heard the big Spiral screaming, and wet ripping sounds like he was...being torn apart? Whatever this new thing was, it was obviously no friend to the Spirals.
Abbie started as something landed next to her: the big Spiral's right arm! As she watched, it shrank and reverted to human form, looking somehow pathetic after its transformation. Then the big Spiral's screaming ended with another wet ripping crunch followed by a horrible gurgling death-rattle as new movement drew her attention: a large gray-furred head and shoulders rose from the other side of the sofa to regard her with intelligent eyes. It was splashed with the Spiral's black blood, which was thickly concentrated around the muzzle, but it looked far more like a wolf than a hyena. The eyes flicked momentarily to the wounds in Abbie's belly, seeing the flesh still regenerating from the healing spell, then back to her eyes, and the lupine head nodded once. Abbie knew she was going be fine now.
The newcomer then turned his attention to the last remaining Spiral, his lips drawing back from his fangs in a righteous snarl as he stood and walked towards the whimpering wretch. Abbie couldn't see that one, but she could hear him trying to scramble away in terror despite his injuries. The new Garou left her sight for a moment, and Abbie heard a sickening-sounding "crunch" as the last remaining Spiral's noises ceased.
Abbie closed her eyes as the healing spell completed. She heard the newcomer walk back to her and kneel beside her, but his footsteps sounded...different. Not like the pads of a giant anthro wolf, but more like human shoes. Then she heard a deep, strong voice softly say, "It's over. I'm sorry I took so long getting into the fight." Opening her eyes, Abbie saw a man kneeling beside her, concern and apology written all over his face. Seeing her eyes open, he continued, "Are you okay?"
Abbie smiled and patted her belly, replying tiredly, "Yeah. Completely tapped out, but I'll live. Thanks for the assist." She took the hand he offered and let him help her stand. Back on her feet, she could now see the big Spiral, or at least what was left of him, and her eyes widened as her eyebrows lifted very high.
The corpse lay in a puddle of black blood, its arms and head missing, and its torso looked like a pile of hamburger. Its lower body seemed curiously untouched, though, except of course for the black blotch between its thighs. She looked the other way, finding the last Spiral also reverted to human form. The damage from the spell was of course still very much in evidence, but there were no additional injuries, unless one counted that his head was...backwards...
The man followed her looks, and sheepishly said, "Oh,um, yeah......really sorry about the mess, too. I got a little carried away with that big one."
Abbie assured him, "Don't worry about it, cleanup won't be a problem. My friends have handled worse."
Puzzled, the man asked. "Friends?"
Abbie explained, "Yeah, friends. There's about a dozen various friendly spirits hanging around the property. They're not great at fighting, but man, do they keep the place up well." Seeing him understand, she went on, "They don't really like to work when anybody's watching, though, so it'll get done when we're out of the room. By the way, what's your name?"
"Oh, that's right!" the man exclaimed. Taking a step back, he bowed and introduced himself, "Corwin Harold Brennan, Ahroun and Athro of the Silent Strider Clan, known as 'Heart's Rage' among my people. An honor to meet you, miss...?"
Abbie took the hint. "Abigail Silelentaur, 'Abbie' to friends, Elder of the Akashic Fellowship and Champion of Gaia. Honored to meet you as well, Corwin."
She offered a handshake, but Corwin instead brought it to his lips for a gentle kiss. "A singular pleasure, Lady Abigail."
"Likewise," Abbie agreed. "Hey, before all this happened, I was about to get myself a snack, but now I think I need a full meal. Would you like to join me?"
Corwin looked at the splattered bits stuck to Abbie's shirt, then down at his own blood-splashed clothes and asked, "Really? In our condition?"
Abbie brushed the testicle-bits off herself, saying, "Don't worry about it, I've had dinner in far worse condition. Live as long as I have, and you tend to see some shit!" With that, she motioned for him to follow her to the kitchen and opened the freezer. "I don't really feel like cooking, though, so I hope a T.V. dinner is okay?" At Corwin's nod, she invited, "Right then, c'mon over and pick one."
They made their selections, and Abbie invited Corwin to use the microwave first. As they waited, she asked, "Something to drink?"
"Uhmmm..." he began hesitantly, "chocolate milk?"
Abbie grinned, "Hershey's alright?"
"Hershey's preferred!" he agreed enthusiastically.
"Milk and syrup's in the fridge," she said, getting out two large glasses.
As they ate, they conversed about their respective lives. Corwin couldn't believe that Abbie was over three hundred years old, saying that she didn't look a day over thirty. For her part, Abbie had a hard time disbelieving much of anything Corwin told her; after all, three centuries of life experience was one heck of a teacher.
Their meal finished, Abbie said, "Okay, you go ahead and shower first, I'll clean this up and get your clothes in the wash. The only other thing I can really offer is a bed for the night, but I really hope you accept. Please say yes?"
Corwin was tired, so he didn't take much convincing.
As Abbie took care of the "dishes", she couldn't help but watch him ascend the stairs, her eyes lingering perhaps a bit too long on the thicc hard muscles moving under the seat of his jeans. The rest of him was pretty nice, too, with his wide shoulders and tapered-V torso, his well-muscled six-foot-plus frame, and that cute face....! Realizing what she was thinking, and that she had inadvertently thought 'thicc' without a 'k', Abbie made a decision.
She went upstairs to find Corwin's clothes just outside the bathroom door, in a nice neat pile. Picking them up, she got her other clothes out of the hamper and put them in the washing machine along with what she was wearing, except for the shredded shirt. Then she returned to her bedroom, considering the objects on her knickknack shelf. Selecting an ancient Mesopotamian fertility charm, she held it to her abdomen and activated it, feeling the energy stored inside flow into her. Putting it back, she then went to join Corwin in the shower, giggling as she hoped he wouldn't be insulted if she were to ask him to do it "wolfie-style".

I’m a skateboarder. I hurt my legs/knees/ankles all the time during the summer. However I had this nasty injury last year from simply whacking my shin just right on a metal edge. It left the largest, most hideous bruise on my leg. The discoloration travelled throughout the entire leg all the way to my foot and up to my scrotum. It had done some healing and I thought I was in the clear after maybe a month and a half. But now it’s a year later, and i noticed that it’s still pretty damn discolored and hard/slightly swell to the touch directly on the spot I whacked it. Is this something I should be worried about or is this just an extra long healing process? I have perfect use of the leg now and no pain. But still a bit nervous. Any help is appreciated!

First of all, sorry for the long post, I will post a TLDR firs and then an extended version: TL;DR: Woke up one day with weird neuropathic pain over my body, especially from the waist down and both legs, all of which dissapeared steadily except for my left foot tingling and pudendal neuralgia. Got full brain-spine RMI done. Doctors discarded my L5-S1 herniation as a possible cause and multiplesclerosis. I dont know if my pain improved because of amitryptyline or by itself, the left foot tingling is mostly gone. Started pelvic floor PT recently, they just said that the obturator internus was a bit thight and applied head and radiofrecuency to promote healing on the zone. Now, I do have a lot of questions after reading ALL of the internet about pudendal neuralgia: -Is it possible that the pudendal nerve is entrapped? I find it hard to believe, because this happened all over my 2 legs at the beginning, replicating some sort of sciatica issue, as if all nerves in my pelvis were irritated together. -What pelvic muscle might be the culprit that can compress all those nerves? My PT told me that my obturator internus was little "tight". May that be a cause? The piriformis? Cand this be caused by the ligaments? I dont know if all nerves go through that opening -Can I expect this to resolve on its own? It scares me the lack of proper diagnostic tools for this issue and having to go in "blind" PNE surgery eventually. -Anyone have gone through something similar with pain all over their legs at the beginning in a pudendal neuralgia, and can shed some light? Thanks and sorry for the long post Extended: I will try to explain the events as they happened and see if someone is patient enough to read it and chime in :(. I woke 2 months ago, without doing anything weird, with bad lumbar pain (maybe masturbated a bit too much that past week clenching my buttcheeks and spreading my legs open, all I can think of) Then I woke up again the next day with bad lumbar pain and a weird feeling all over my body. Lumbar pain dissapeared quickly and never came back. Tingling in my feet, pain in both sides of my butt, perineum/scrotum/anal burning sensation, weird tingles in my hands (felt neuropathic), neuropathic pain through my legs (outer and inner thigh when pressed)... Well, I thought this might have to do with my scoliosis or an herniated disc in L5-S1 and that it would go away on its own. I got a lumbar MRI that showed I have a small L5-S1 bulge with osteophytes and small stenosis, but a neurosurgeon already told me that it isnt what is causing my pudendal symptoms, as it would have to be a massive herniation. I started to worry thinking it might be multiplesclerosis as I couldnt sleep, got way too much anxiety and stress, started to get weird feelings in my face as well... all this while they were switching meds (pregabaline, duloxetine...) every 4 days. I got a brain TAC, RMI, and full spine RMI do discard that possibility. I think what happened here was psychosomatic caused by sleep deprivation and anxiety/stress about my health. They put me on amitriptyline for pain and valium to help me sleep. I was able to sleep properly and eventually stop taking valium and sleeping properly only on amitriptyline for 2-3 weeks once I stopped worrying about possible Multiplesclerosis and I was free of anxiety and stress, that coupled with the pain relief of amitriptyline made me be pretty good, except I still had pudendal pain and left foot/leg tingling after walking for a while. I thought the pain still had to do with the herniated disc (based on other doctors input as well) and that it would go away on its own, as I was seeing improvements. Then, I visited a famous neurosurgeon here who told me that it definitely isnt because of that herniated disc, that whats going on is that probably my sacral roots, in their way through the pelvis, are getting irritated or entrapped somewhere and that I need to get a full pelvic foor electromiogram with an evoked potentials test to my pudendal nerve at a specific doctor that knows how to do it in other to try and diagnose the cause. I start pelvic floor PT but I dont know if its doing much.

First of all, sorry for the long post, I will post a TLDR firs and then an extended version:
TL;DR: Woke up one day with weird neuropathic pain over my body, especially from the waist down and both legs, all of which dissapeared steadily except for my left foot tingling and pudendal neuralgia. Got full brain-spine RMI done. Doctors discarded my L5-S1 herniation as a possible cause and multiplesclerosis. I dont know if my pain improved because of amitryptyline or by itself, the left foot tingling is mostly gone. Started pelvic floor PT recently, they just said that the obturator internus was a bit thight and applied head and radiofrecuency to promote healing on the zone.
Now, I do have a lot of questions after reading ALL of the internet about pudendal neuralgia:
-Is it possible that the pudendal nerve is entrapped? I find it hard to believe, because this happened all over my 2 legs at the beginning, replicating some sort of sciatica issue, as if all nerves in my pelvis were irritated together.
-What pelvic muscle might be the culprit that can compress all those nerves? My PT told me that my obturator internus was little "tight". May that be a cause? The piriformis? Cand this be caused by the ligaments? I dont know if all nerves go through that opening
-Can I expect this to resolve on its own? It scares me the lack of proper diagnostic tools for this issue and having to go in "blind" PNE surgery eventually.
-Anyone have gone through something similar with pain all over their legs at the beginning in a pudendal neuralgia, and can shed some light?
Thanks and sorry for the long post
​
​
Extended:
I will try to explain the events as they happened and see if someone is patient enough to read it and chime in :(.
​
I woke 2 months ago, without doing anything weird, with bad lumbar pain (maybe masturbated a bit too much that past week clenching my buttcheeks and spreading my legs open, all I can think of)
Then I woke up again the next day with bad lumbar pain and a weird feeling all over my body. Lumbar pain dissapeared quickly and never came back.
Tingling in my feet, pain in both sides of my butt, perineum/scrotum/anal burning sensation, weird tingles in my hands (felt neuropathic), neuropathic pain through my legs (outer and inner thigh when pressed)...
Well, I thought this might have to do with my scoliosis or an herniated disc in L5-S1 and that it would go away on its own.
I got a lumbar MRI that showed I have a small L5-S1 bulge with osteophytes and small stenosis, but a neurosurgeon already told me that it isnt what is causing my pudendal symptoms, as it would have to be a massive herniation.
I started to worry thinking it might be multiplesclerosis as I couldnt sleep, got way too much anxiety and stress, started to get weird feelings in my face as well... all this while they were switching meds (pregabaline, duloxetine...) every 4 days. I got a brain TAC, RMI, and full spine RMI do discard that possibility. I think what happened here was psychosomatic caused by sleep deprivation and anxiety/stress about my health.
They put me on amitriptyline for pain and valium to help me sleep. I was able to sleep properly and eventually stop taking valium and sleeping properly only on amitriptyline for 2-3 weeks once I stopped worrying about possible Multiplesclerosis and I was free of anxiety and stress, that coupled with the pain relief of amitriptyline made me be pretty good, except I still had pudendal pain and left foot/leg tingling after walking for a while. I thought the pain still had to do with the herniated disc (based on other doctors input as well) and that it would go away on its own, as I was seeing improvements.
Then, I visited a famous neurosurgeon here who told me that it definitely isnt because of that herniated disc, that whats going on is that probably my sacral roots, in their way through the pelvis, are getting irritated or entrapped somewhere and that I need to get a full pelvic foor electromiogram with an evoked potentials test to my pudendal nerve at a specific doctor that knows how to do it in other to try and diagnose the cause.
I start pelvic floor PT but I dont know if its doing much.
​
​
​

Here it is! After 3 days, I officially bring to you my first fan-written episode. Hope you enjoy!
--------------------------------‐-------------------------------------------------------------
We begin in the gaming room, where we see Tari on the couch playing Lies Of P, Luigi playing some pong by himself for some reason (and somehow still losing), Bob and Boopkins playing that weird ass version of Monopoly they like, and Mario on the computer ordering some Pizza.
Pizza Chef: What kind of toppings would you like?
Mario contemplates the meaning of the question for a moment, wandering deep within the wrinkles of his brain in search of an answer. But that didn't work so he just resorted to smashing the keyboard and bury the digital chef in toppings until we are left with an abomination of an order that will be ready shortly.
Mario: PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
And he's off to go get the goods, zipping by Meggy who has entered the room with her own box of goods in hand. Surprisingly enough, we also see Whimpu and Belle tagging along.
Belle: Whats got him all worked up?
Meggy: Eh, you know how Red is around food.
Boopkins: Oh! Ko'nichiwa Whimpu-sama, it's been a while.
Whimpu: It is good to see you too, my Furui Yūjin.
Belle: Oi rags, I got the vials. Bushmaster's blend.
Bob: Oh hell yeah! I'll get the vase!
Belle: Aces.
As Bob go gets the "vase" and the weebs start catching up, We see that Tari has just beaten the Puppet King. She collapses into her seat in releif as Clench starts cheering. And it only took them 35 tries.
Clench: THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE MVP! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE GOAT! THE GOAT!
Tari: heh Oh, hey Meggy.
Meggy: Hey Tari! Guess what I goooooooot.
She then noticed the box Meggy's hands, which was more than enough to get her on her feet.
Tari: gasp Is that.........?
Yep, within the box was none other than Gnomeson's gourmet candies. We look to the window seeing Gnomeson himself.
Gnomeson: TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHER******!
Tari: Oh my gosh, you actually found him!?
Meggy: Yeah, we met up at the gym and he hooked me up.
Tari: Then what are we waiting for?
Meggy takes a seat and they both......um.....I'm struggling to find a cigarette analogy to describe this. Anyway, they both take a lollipop.
We then shift perspectives to SMG3 and SMG4 as they begin to head out.
SMG4: Oh C'mon, Three. This'll be fun! ...........Y'know, as long as you behave yourself.
SMG3: I will, I will! Geez, you're the closest thing to a mother I've ever had.
Just then, Mario triumphantly returns with his bounty of 10 whateverthef*** specials. Nice and piping hot.
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- Hm? Oh, hi SMG4! Hey, where are you going?
SMG4: We're heading over to Bloopersville to meet up with FM and X. Apparently they got new looks sometime after the whole Lawyer Kong thing.
SMG3: Yeah, I can't wait to see how dumb they look now. Just wait until they get a look of me.
SMG4: Yeeeaaaah. Anyways, we're gonna be gone for a bit. Don't you have TOO much fun, now! Heh heh..........also at least TRY not to set anything on fire, okay?
Mario: Pingas.
SMG4: Close enough. Let's go.
Now they're off on their honeymoon trip, leaving Mario with an...........idea.
That's right, IT'S HOUSE PARTY TIME!!!!
The main hall is a buzz with games and laughter. We see Bob and Rob cheering on Kaizo as he bobs for corn, Chris and Swag playing Pin The Tail On The Teletubby with Luigi, Boopkins teaching Jub Jub how to play Bakugan, Shroomy doing some target practice, and Whimpu showing off his cool rock collection to impress the ladies. Well, more like lady since Melony is the only one who's actually paying attention to the shiny things.
Whimpu: And this is Neodymium glass. It can actually change colors depending on the lighting of the surrounding environment.
Melony: Wooooow! That's so cool. What does that one do?
Whimpu: Oh, this is just Mahogany Obsidian.
Saiko: It's a wonder how she's still awake.
Belle: Honestly, I can't blame her. It's like a Spanish soap opera. You don't know what the hell they're saying, but then you start to piece together what's happening then your hooked.
Saiko: You really have gotten a lot softer, haven't ya.
Belle: Oi, Pot. You got something to say to the Kettle?
Saiko: chuckles Alright, alright. Forget I said anything.
We see Tari and Meggy headed to the party table with their Gnomish Candies..........where Meggy noticed Mario with his Pizzas coming over as well. Mario then takes notice of the girls and their Candy. It was when their gazes met that thing's started to get quiet. Everybody took notice of the two staring each other down at the party table.
Meggy: Hey there, Red. What ya got there?
Mario: Pizza. How about you?
Meggy: Oh, just some candy.
Mario: I see.
The energy has changed. Meggy turned her gaze to her fellow Sweet Tooths, and Mario turned his gaze to his fellow Greasy Bois. The line has been drawn. The board is set. All the pieces are taking their places. Their gazes meat once again. A fiery determination glowed within both.
Mario: So................what happens now?
A rhetorical question. You know what happens now. Brace yourselves people, for you are about to witness a...........
Mario & Meggy: FOOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!
And here we go! The main hall is a Frenzy as sweets, spice, and everything completely unhealthy roars through the air. Kaizo and Bob clash blades, their movements as swift as lightning as sugar and grease flake off like sparks with each strike. Whimpu lays down suppressing fire with a fan of Pretzels as Belle showers the room with a hail of Doritos. Shroomy is blasting condiments in all directions, Saiko's KFC hammer shakes the earth with every impact. Chris and Swag take artillery positions, raining down rock candy artillery as Melony retaliates against Luigi's Unicorn Lollipop Lance with her Pizza Sword, all while Boopkins, Jub Jub, and Tari act as field medics for the Sweet Tooths. We then pan over to Mario using his Pizza Shield to deflect the projectiles of Meggy's M&M16.
Meggy: It's no use, Mario! I have the high ground! Surrender now and we can end this quickly!
Mario: You wish it would be that easy.
Mario throws his hat, but Meggy dodges into the air. She aims down sights towards Mario. All she needs is one clean shot and-
BAM!!!! A surprise sideswipe sends her skidding. Luckily, Tari was able to catch her. Both were shocked to see none other than Pepperman! Mario catches his hat and plops it on with a smirk.
Mario: Thank's for the save, Peppino.
We pan over to see Peppino Spaghetti and his whole crew tipping the balance of the battle. It looks like Mario called in backup this time around, leaving the Sweet Tooths outnumbered by the Greasy Bois.
Meggy: Dammit.........FALL BACK TO THE CAFE!
And so, the Greasy Bois are victorious as the Sweet Tooths are pushed back to SMG3's Café. A Pizza Tower is placed on top of the Castle as proof of their dominion. An impressive win, but this was just the first battle in a war that has just begun.
Behind the Cafe's doors, the Sweet Tooths have regrouped and are now planning their counter attack. Boopkins and Jub Jub are preparing what appear to be makeshift candy explosives. Once the prep work is done, they gather around Meggy as Tari lays out a map of the Greasy Bois' Pizza Tower.
Meggy: We're never gonna end this war if we can't retake the Snack Table, and we can't take back the Snack Table without getting through that Tower.
She points to four different areas of the map.
Meggy: Mario and the Greasy Bois have the Table stashed at the top of the Tower. They may outnumber us, but we'll have a better chance if we can deal with each floor without alerting the floor above. Once we've reached the top and all the ICDs are placed, we deliver our last payload to the Table and bring the whole thing crashing down.
Tari: We lost our last battle because we couldn't take them all at once, so this time we'll need to take them on one floor at a time. It is crucial that we stay together in order to have the numbers advantage against each single floor, so no slacking behind and no rushing in alone.
Luigi: The ICDs are ready for transport Ma'am.
Meggy: Excellent. Any word from our scouts?
Chris: Front door is a no-go. Too heavily guarded. Swag had to stay behind to cover our escape. God be with him.
Bob: Our best chance is to enter through the window of SMG4's room. That will give us the clearest path up stairs.
Meggy: Alright then. Remember to stick together and stick to the shadows. Do not engage unless I give the order. You need to take someone out? Do it quietly. Everybody ready?
The whole team nods in agreement. Meggy turns to Tari, who gives a confident smile.
Tari: We can do this.
Meggy: Then what are we waiting for? Let's give em a good ol' fashioned Sweet Tooth Surprise!
And so the Sweet Tooths are off, preparing to make their move under the cover of night. Kaizo notices them mobilizing as he scouts from the roof of the Castle.
At the peak of the Tower, we see Saiko and Belle dragging Swag to the foot of Mario's Pizza Throne. By his side is Peppino, watching down upon the interloper with a judgemental gaze.
Saiko: Kaizo saw this one skulking around the Main Lobby.
Peppino: I see. What exactly were you doing here, hm?
Swag: Oh, nothing. I was just waiting on a date.
Peppino: Is that so. And who exactly is this date of yours?
Swag: Your mom LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
And just close that, he was sent to THE PIT! Which in reality was just a kiddypool full of Extra Hot Marinara Sauce that REALLY stings when you get it in your eyes. It was then that Kaizo had arrived to deliver the news.
Kaizo: The Sweet Tooths are making their move. It looks like they plan on taking the fight to us. We should act now.
Belle: HA! I say let the Gutbags try.
Whimpu: But if they get here, they could take our table and all will be lost!
Peppino: Indeed. Without the table, our Golden Crispy Kingdom will be lost forever! We must mobilize and-
Mario: No.
All eyes turn to Mario as he walks to the edge and turns his gaze to the Showgrounds below.
Mario: Let them come. Let them see our glory and try to stop us. These Grounds are just the beginning. We shall soon spread across the Mushroom Kingdom. Then the country. Then the world. All shall know the glory of the Greasy Bois! AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Well that escalated quickly. Though, I've seen worse paths to world domination than a house party turned civil war.
Anywho, the Sweet Tooths enter through SMG4's Room Window, with Meggy and Bob quickly dispatching some Pig Cops.
Bob: I love myself some fresh ham. So good you could ea-
Meggy: Bob I swear to Greg I will actually murder you.
Once the room is secured, the rest enter and Tari is the first to enter the main hall, her Candycane Crossbow at the ready. Luigi and Boopkins are right behind her as they make their way up the staircase. At the door, Luigi uses his Astral projection to peer into the floor above. Apart from a few Cheeseslimes, the coast seems to be clear for the most part. He returns to his body after locating the entrance to the tower.
Luigi: Alright. We should be clear to proceed.
Clench: I don't like this. It sounds like we're walking into a-
?????: Going somewhere?
The trio quickly turns to see Saiko, Kaizo, and Melony on the edge of the balcony. Boopkins quickly aims his Dessert Eagle as Luigi readies his Unicorn Lollipop Lance, but Tari is frozen in fear with her back to the door desperately trying to get it open.
Saiko: Well well well..........
Saiko makes her way towards Tari as Kaizo and Melony face off against Boopkins and Luigi. Tari raises her crossbow as Saiko approaches.
Tari: Stay back! I'm warning you!
She fires a Candycane, but Saiko catches it with ease and crushes it in her hand. She then rips the Crossbow from Tari's hands and pins her against the door by the shoulder.
Clench: Hey, watch it! It takes hours to get a jacket looking this good.
Tari: I.......I'll never surrender to you!
Saiko: Come on, Tari. You can be so much more than this. Just come with us, and we can have a little talk.
Their talk is interrupted by a boot to Saiko's face, courtesy of Meggy. Saiko tries to retaliate with a swing of her hammer, but is intercepted by Bob and sent flying off the balcony with a well timed parry. Chris arrives, pulls Tari aside, and blows the doors wide open with his FR-GL.
Chris: Come on you apes! Do you wanna live forever!?
Bob: Keep going, guys! We'll hold them off!
Tari snaps out of her shock and makes her way through the door alongside Meggy, and Chris. They all make their way to the entrance of the Pizza Tower, where they encounter Shroomy with his dual condiment cannons.
Shroomy: Stop right there! No sugary treats are allowed beyond this point.
Chris: Don't worry. I got this.
Tari looks over to Chris preparing something. He swiftly slides a can of sugar frosted sardines right at Shroomy's feet.
Chris: Wait for it.
Shroomy: I will now require your immediate and unconditional surren-
Suddenly, a bear rips it's way through the woodworks, scooping up the sardines and thrashes Shroomy around before dragging him screaming below the floorboards. Looking back on it, I realize having so much unguarded food in a location surrounded by woodlands that are full of wild animals probably wasn't the best idea.
But enough semantics. It's time for our PIZZA TOWER ANY PERCENT SPEEDRUN. Our trio blitzes through each floor with breakneck pace Meggy's aim is swift and true. Chris' explosive ordinance blankets the battlefield, and Tari.......well, she's too busy trying to keep up while also setting up each ICD within the tower. Their progress is interrupted with the arrival of Peppino along with Pepperman, Vigilante, and The Noise. The battle is intense, as each side throws everything they have at one another.
Vigilante: Ya got moxie, kid. But ya'll need more than that.
Meggy simply smirks as she notices Pepperman coming in hot from behind trying to get in another sideswipe. But as Vigilante unloads a hail of bullets, Meggy expertly dodges and Pepperman ends up passing right below her. He gets riddled with bullets as he crashes into Vigilante, taking them both out.
Meggy: That enough Moxie for ya?
Pepperman/Vigilante: My scrotums.
We then cut to Chris facing off against the Noise, who isn't really fighting him so much as trying to bore him to death with an "intimidating" speech.
Noise: I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire PT armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my-
Chris just pulls out an RPG and blows his ass to high heaven. That just leaves us with Tari setting up another ICD before being confronted by Peppino, who uses his signature beyblade attack. Tari panicks as she frantically tries to avoid getting ripped up, but is driven into a corner.
Peppino: Give up, blue girl. Your gaming skills are no match for the Spaghetti Family Swag.
It is then that Tari notices a crate next to her labeled "Materiali Pericolosi". Seeing no other option, she quickly rummages through the crate as Peppino goes in for another attack. But right in the nick of time, Tari manages to force feed him a freshly baked pizza. With Pineapple. The crime against Italy is too much for Peppino to handle as he collapses onto the ground screaming and defeated. Tari very awkwardly steps around the suffering Italian man and regroups with the others as the trio makes their way to the final battle. They make their way to Mario's Throne Room, where Bell is ready with her Takigun and Whimpu is using Rob as a Spear as they guard the Snack Table.
Belle: C'mon ya Muckers! Ya feeling lucky?!
Whimpu: Surrender now if you value your lives.
Rob: Please put me down I am very tired.
Meggy: Let us handle the goons. You just focus on delivering that payload.
Tari nervously clutches the last ICD as Meggy and Chris lock and load.
Chris: This is for Swag, you Greasy Bitches!
Chris kicks off the fight with a barrage from his FRGL, while Belle and Meggy exchange hails of gunfire. Tari makes a break straight for the Snack Table. Whimpu is in hot pursuit, rearing Rob for a surprise attack but is then intercepted by Chris's boot.
Chris: Keep going! I'll cover you!
Whimpu proceeds to swing Rob around like a hammer at Chris, much to Rob's motion sick dismay. Belle is still preoccupied with Meggy as Tari see the table. But right as she is about to set the device...........
Mario: Hey stinky!
Tari looks up and is shocked to see Mario standing on top of the massive floating Pizza with a sinister face.
Mario: Your pathetic resistance ends now, Sweet Tooths! Me and Pizzaface here are gonna show you what's for! With our combined pow-
But just then, Pizzaface flips around and flings Mario straight into the floor.
Mario: HEY, WHAT THE F***! We're supposed to be working together!
Pizzaface: YOU THINK I FORGOT OUR LAST MEETING, MARIO? THE ONE WHERE YOU ATE ME?
Mario: Oh.............I sense I've made a mistake of some kind.
Pizzaface then goes on a rampage, crashing into everything in sight. Belle is unfortunately caught in one of Pizzaface's attacks, knocking her unconscious. Whimpu drops rob and heroically catches her in his arms before running away to safety. Chris and Meggy open fire on him, but are then sent flying with a whip from his green pepper mustache. Meggy is flung towards the balcony, hanging from the edge, whereas Chris is flung into the PIT where Swag is.......chilling, for some reason.
Chris: OH GOD MY EYES AAAAAAAAHH!!!!
Swag: Oh hey Chris. I just made some Bloody Maries.
Tari is petrified in fear as Pizzaface stares her down with a sadistic grin. She crumples to the ground, clutching her head as she braces for the end. But just as all seems lost........
Clench: Hey, Tari........
Tari turns her attention to her robot arm.
Clench: We have a mission to complete. Remember?
Tari: I......I don't know what to do. Everyone's down and everything is falling apart. Clench.........
Tears begin to well up in her eyes.
Clench: Listen to me. I know you're scared, but that hasn't stopped you before, has it? Remember that time Waluigi turned everyone into zombies and tried to take over the world, and you saved everybody by beating him at a fighting game?Remember when Meggy was abducted by that lizard weeb guy, and you joined the assault on Anime Island to save her? Remember when that Zero guy tried to recycle the universe and you joined the fight to beat him? And surely you remember the time you were stuck in some kind of bootleg Westworld and created your own pocket dimension to save everybody? Those were all scary too, weren't they?
Tari contemplates Clench's words. Those moments WERE scary.......yet that didn't stop her from helping her friends when it mattered the most.
Clench: You don't need to be fearless to be brave, Tari. You just gotta do what needs doing.
It was in that moment Tari felt something. She got back up to her feet and gazed defiantly straight into Pizzaface's Pepperonis. Her fear didn't disappear......it just didn't matter anymore. Clench was right. You don't have to be fearless to be brave.
Just then, Tari's eyes lit up with a vivid azure hue as a surge of energy coarsed threw her. Meggy managed to pull herself up just in time to see Tari levitating in the air. From her back emerged a pair of translucent blue wings crackling with energy. Tari then flew into the sky, breaching the clouds as the first sight of dawn broke. She then rocketed back down at Mach speed, her robotic arm crackling with power as it made contact with Pizzaface's cheese. The two crashed through the tower's floors, before breaking through the Castle's roof. Both Greasy Bois and Sweet Tooths present ceased their fighting as a massive crash shook the foundations of the Main Hall. When the dust had settled, they saw a crater in the main hall riddled in Pizzaface's mechanical remains. At the center of the crater was severely mangled Pizzahead and an unconscious Tari.
We then cut to later in the morning. SMG3 and SMG4 return to see the Castle abuzz with activity. The war was over, the Pizza Tower was destroyed, The Sweet Tooths and Greasy Bois have reached a truce, and the festivities had resumed. We see Kaizo bobbing for corn as Bob, Rob, and the Noise cheer him on. We see Boopkins, Jub Jub, and Melony sitting down as the Vigilante tells them the story of how the military once bombed his buddy Keith. Whimpu is once again showing off his rock collection to Belle, who seems to be actually paying attention this time. Chris and Swag are laying back and enjoying some Bloody Maries as Shroomy arm wrestles Pepperman. At the foyer we see Peppino and Mario spinning pizzas and playing tunes on the turntables. The SMGs make their way to the Gaming Room where they see Saiko and Meggy watching over Tari as she lays down on the couch.
SMG4: Looks like we missed quite the party, huh?
SMG3: I'll say, judging by the hole in the ceiling. And the Crater in the main hall. And the ambulance outside. And the tower pieces every- WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?
Meggy: It's a long story. How you holding up, soldier?
Tari: Just fine, captain. A little dizzy, though.
Saiko: I have to admit. You did quite a number on poor Pizzahead. I didn't think you had it in you to even fight someone, let alone.........THAT.
Tari looks down at her robot arm.
Tari: Yeah. Neither did I.
SMG4: Well, the Castle is still in one piece for the most part, so I guess it's fine. It's definitely gonna delay the second floor, though.
Saiko: Hey, how was your trip to Bloopersville?
SMG3: ABSOLUTELY EMBARRASSING! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT FM GOT ABS AND I DIDN'T! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!?
SMG3 continues to be a deva as the camera zooms out from the Castle and into the woodlands, where we see.......something........moving in the trees as the screen fades to black and the credits role.

EDIT: Thank you all for sharing! While I am aware that posts like this will skew towards the negative side, and that empirically it "only" is a 5% chance of PVPS, if you are one of the unlucky ones this seem to really mess with mental health and quality of life. After reading your replies (positive and negative) I have decided that I will not pursue a vasectomy. The risk factors that may lead to prolonged pain, as well as the chance of it becoming chronic, not to speak of the mental health toll it would take to constantly worry and not be able to do the things I love - that would be too much for me. I wish you all a speedy recovery and that you can go back to enjoying life to the fullest as soon as possible!
Original Post:
So I (M30s, single) want to get a vasectomy. Its been my plan for years, and in November of 2023 I was scheduled to have one. But a week before I started reading up on PVPS (Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrom, i.e. chronic pain) and I freaked out. Perhaps it was psychosomatic, retroactive memory correction, or just a coincidence, but I fell sick with the flu around the time of the appointment, so I did not go.
Incidence of PVPS is estimated around 5% by this meta analysis. That's quite a lot. The European Association of Urologists warns of 15% incidence rate of pain and confirms the 5% chronic pain figure. No-scalpel vs scalpel does not make a difference per the review.
Now, my question is: Has anyone experience prolonged or even chronic post procedure pain, despite doing everything right (proper rest, cooling, slowly starting with light activity)?
I would not mind if I had to lay in bed for 2 weeks. It would suck, I would get depressed, but I can work through this. But I absolutely could not handle prolonged pain. I have a high libido, and I am a very active guy, with my main source of happiness being long cycle rides. If this were to be endangered by any sort of complication, my quality of life would suffer tremendously. So I am trying to be really sure that the "real" chance of acquiring PVPS is somewhat within my control.(My hope is that it is a bit like motorcycling, or any other somewhat risky hobby. Statistics would suggest a high incidence rate, but a lot is within personal control, due to speed, visibility, defensive driving, etc.)
PS.: my worry is somewhat exacerbated by two things happening last year. One was that I had a minor operation on a toe, and even 6 months later there is still some occasional discomfort if I roll off the foot weirdly. The second one was that during both Vasectomy consultations (different docs) I was told that my Scrotum is a bit more tightly packed than usual, and one of them even said it would require full anesthesia, while the other one said "tugging" would suffice. Neither makes be think I would be among the lucky 95% who get off pain free...

End of December 2022 I bent over to pick up a twig and felt a pop in my lower back that left me bent over for about 5 minutes before I could stand back up. Over the next week I started noticing numbness/weakness in my right leg with some foot drop. Then my crotch area went numb. Telehealth recommended I visit the ER. I had an MRI done of the lumbar there.
The MRI showed a disc bulge at L4-L5 and a central herniation at L5-S1 with “some thecal sac compression. The ER scheduled a visit with a neurologist, but my insurance wouldn’t cover the referral, just PT. I didn’t PT multiple times a week for 8 months total. I’m still having issues and in most ways it’s worse than after the original injury. I have general lower back pain, obviously, but for the last week I’ve had a lot of right side issues: hip pain/butt cheek pain/pain on the outer thigh-inside thigh-back of thigh-outside calf/top foot-middle and big toe pain/quick shooting pain in the butthole-penis-scrotum. The last 2 days I’ve also noticed I’m urinating more and a lot of the time I feel like I can’t pee out what is inside me and/or having to pee really fast after just going. my poop schedule has also been slower like I’m constipated but have no reason to be.
I’m just confused what to be concerned about or what is normal. I’m assuming I have sciatica, but I’m unsure if sciatica is constant or flares from me doing things that irritate me. My butt, leg and lower back pain are always there but can range from mild to relatively strong. Is that normal or should I worry about something other than my lumbar causing issues?
I havent had any imaging done or seen any doctor since the ER in 2022. I constantly debate going to see someone but I don’t want to waste my time or their time if my situation is normal. I won’t die from the pain and discomfort, but it’s getting pretty annoying at this point.

I walked around town for about an hour without hearing from Brooke. Growing increasingly anxious, I texted her, receiving the reply: still talking, need more time
After another half an hour, I texted again and she responded: same
About a half an hour after that, Brooke texted: it’s OK to come back now. bring bottle of Gentleman Jack. NOT Jack Daniels Old #7! very important!
This text confused and troubled me. Brooke liked to drink, including whiskey, but like me, she usually preferred single malt scotch to bourbon. I had to think this must be some request of Luke’s and, as you can imagine, that did not make me happy.
After I picked up a bottle of Gentleman Jack at the liquor store in town, I returned to the house, opening the front door with trepidation. To say that my apprehension was justified is a massive understatement, as I discovered upon entering the living room the unspeakably horrific site of Brooke, naked and kneeling on the hardwood floor. Luke, also naked, stood over her with one of his large feet on the side of her face, pressing it into the floor, as he was thrusting in and out of her from behind. I, of course, was far too poorly endowed to even think of ever being able to have anal sex with a woman, yet it was instantly apparent to me that that was what I was witnessing. Luke was slender but muscular, clearly some kind of athlete, with a large tattoo on his right bicep. There were red splotches apparent on Brooke’s buttocks, where Luke obviously had hit her, or had produced the same effect by slamming his body against her. Brooke was moaning loudly, whether in ecstasy or in pain – or some combination of the two – was not immediately clear to me. I threw the bottle down on the couch and started to walk over towards them with some ridiculous notion of rescuing Brooke from Luke’s anal onslaught.
Brooke said through her moans, “Oh, god, Luke…Walter, stay the fuck away from us!”
Thus, she made it unambiguously clear to me that she had zero desire to be rescued. So much for defending her honor. So much for chivalry. But, if I’m being honest, there was part of me that was relieved, because I couldn’t imagine how physically confronting Luke would end in anything other than disaster for me.
Luke, mid thrust, looked at me, and said, “I see you got my whiskey. You better get three glasses, professor. You’re going to need a drink.”
In a state of semi shock, I went into the kitchen and came back with three tumblers.
Luke said, “You might as well sit down and enjoy the rest of the show.“
Absurdly, I did just that, sitting down on the couch, a few feet away from where Luke was brutally assaulting my precious, pure lady. Maybe Brooke wasn’t pure in reality, but having never seen her with another man before, to me she was inviolate. Until then, at least. That illusion of mine was now shattered. Luke’s crotch was shaved, as was Brooke’s, and I have to admit that it felt like I was watching a porn film — except it wasn’t a film, it was live, in my living room, and it wasn’t a porn star I was seeing being ravished, it was my beautiful, cherished, my superior Brooke. Seeing her treated in this degrading, even somewhat savage fashion, and (from the sounds she was making) seemingly enjoying it, caused me to experience genuine cognitive dissonance.
From his thrusts, I could see that Luke was huge. I later learned, in a humiliating measurement comparison performed by Brooke, that Luke was 7.4 inches long when erect. More impressive, however, was his girth (5.5”). Not to mention the size of his scrotum.
Brooke was not smiling certainly, but had a wanton expression on her face. After a few more minutes, she began crying out, a similar sound to what she made climaxing when I went down on her, but appreciably more intense. I tortured myself by wondering how many orgasms she had already experienced that afternoon.
Luke showed no signs of stopping. He removed his foot from her head, took himself out of her— it was then, seeing it glistening before me, that I really took in the sheer enormity of his cock— picked her up easily off the ground and put her back on her knees in a different position. He then inserted himself back into her and began thrusting again. He suddenly smacked her buttocks twice sharply with his large hand, looking over at me with a malicious grin. Brooke yelped. Ashamed, I averted my glance.
But not for long, I’m still more ashamed to admit. It’s hard to describe the complexity of conflicting emotions I was experiencing: revulsion, anger, fear and angst commingled with fascination and — as much as I didn’t want it to be true — yes, arousal. Underneath my jeans, my cock was rock hard in the panties I was wearing. Luke pulled himself out of her again, wiped his wet cock with his right hand, reinserted it back into Brooke’s anus and then stuck his wet fingers into her mouth. Obediently, she sucked his fingers. She continued to moan for the next several minutes until he pulled out of her and ejaculated copiously onto her buttocks and back.
Brooke took a moment to compose herself, before speaking. “Don’t just sit there, Walter. Get me a towel.”
“Make it two towels,” added Luke.
I hurried upstairs to the linen closet. When I came downstairs, I handed a towel to each of them. Luke was sitting naked on the couch. It struck me how comfortable he was being naked. I had always been painfully self-conscious not wearing clothes. I used to marvel at the guys in my high school gym class who would walk around the locker room and showers in the nude as if it was the most natural thing in the world, while I would hide behind my locker door and get dressed as quickly as possible (to shower later in the privacy of my own bathroom).
Brooke wiped herself off and put on her panties. As she stared to put on her T-shirt, Luke said, “No, babe, keep it off. Man, how I’ve missed those tits.” He winked at me.
Brooke rolled her eyes, but followed his request (or was it a command?). She sat down on a recliner.
“Pour us all a glass of whiskey, professor. Is it okay if I call you prof, for short?,” said Luke, grinning.
“I guess so,” I replied as I poured the bourbon.
Luke said, “Here’s to unexpected reunions, right babe?” He clinked his glass against Brooke’s and they both took a sip. I could see Brooke wince as the bourbon went down her throat.
He then turned to me. I was sitting on the opposite end of the sectional sofa from him. “And here’s to new friendships, prof. I have a feeling you and I are going to be tight.” He chuckled.
“Cheers,” I said lamely, clinking my glass against his. I thought the bourbon was pretty mediocre.
Luke got dressed, and said, “Well, I’d love to stick around and have one of your wonderful dinners prof. I hear you’re a great cook. But I have a dinner meeting tonight. So I’ll leave you two be. I’m sure you have a lot to talk about. And I’ll take a rain check on the dinner.”
And with that, he tossed his soiled towel over my head and left the house

In The Valley of Green Gold, our top tiers of Patreon supporters grant the party opportunities to roll on this table, which contains 100 potentially useful weapons, items, potions, and more. As an added twist, for each item as they're rolled by the party, the GM will roll a d20 "behind the screen". If the result is a 1, the item rolled has a curse associated with it (GM discretion and imagination for that). When a result is rolled in-game, it is replaced with a different result.
This table is subject to change as items are gained by the party, and as suggestions from the fans of Rated RPG pop up in the Rated RPG Discord.

1. Sliver of Soap - a small sliver of good-smelling soap is found or gifted to the party. It has a single use and grants the user a +1 on Persuasion or Deception checks for 4 hours after use.
2. Barking Box - This metal cube, 6 inches on a side, has a crank on top. Using an action to wind the crank activates the box for 8 hours. While activated, the box barks whenever it detects vibrations within 15 feet of it, as long as the box and the source of the vibrations are in contact with the same ground or substance. A switch on one side of the box sets the device to emit either a small dog's bark or a large dog's bark.
3. Horn of Bubbles - a small goat horn, six inches in length, fitted with a brass mouthpiece. When blown into, the horn produces a stream of bubbles into the air. When the bubbles pop, they emit a pleasant odor.
4. Lucky 4-Leaf Clover - a four-leaf clover is found or gifted to the party. It has one use, and grants the user an automatic success on a single skill check.
5. Goggles of Darkvision - a pair of leather goggles infused with magic, granting the wearer the gift of darkvision. Must be attuned to.
6. An Odd-Looking Citrus Fruit - a citron, in the shape of a hand. Sometimes called "Buddha's hand". The fruit smells delightful, but is highly sour. It may have medicinal properties.
7. Dust of Sobriety - a small wooden tube containing a greenish powder. The tube contains six uses. This powder can be added to any alcoholic beverage to render it non-alcoholic.
8. 1d10 Gold - Your patron has come through with some coin!
9. Diagram of Vexing - A small rolled parchment with ink sketches showing a hand gesture and a word in common. As a bonus action proceeding or reaction after another creature makes a roll, you make a gesture in the direction of the target. The result of that roll is a failure. This ability can be used only once before the magic leaves you.
10. Dead Fish - a dead fish.
11. 3 Vials of Magical Ink - Three vials of gem-infused ink, perfect for writing spell scrolls or for transcribing a spell into a spellbook.
12. Horn - a bull's horn, black and grey, fitted with a mouthpiece and leather carrying strap. (A Horn of Silent Alarm: It has four charges. When you use a charge to blow it, one creature of your choice [within a quarter mile, not deafened] can hear it - but nobody else can. It regains 1d4 charges each dawn)
13. Protein Shake - a glass bottle containing a viscous brown liquid. This is a “protein shake” made by a local. It’s not clear what the protein is, but it tastes sweet and meaty. After consuming, a character receives a +1 STR for 6 hours.
14. Strange Coin - an unusual silver coin bearing unfamiliar markings. If you need to make a difficult decision with two courses of action, assign a decision to each side and flip the coin!
15. First Aid Kit - a canvas roll containing basic first aid supplies. Can be used once for healing 5 hp.
16. Creepy Doll - a small cloth doll with a porcelain head and what appears to be human hair. Its unblinking eyes follow you. If you give it away, lose it, or destroy it, it will reappear in your possessions 24 hours later.
17. 1d12 Gold - Your patron has come through with some coin!
18. Honorary Degree - Magic Item - A tattered, wadded-up scroll which (after being unwrinkled and laid flat) reveals that it's a hand-written diploma which can grant +4 to any single arcana, history, nature, or religion check. The course of study and the name of the recipient of the "degree" is blank. To activate, the PC begins a sentence with "Trust me I'm a ______", filling in the blank with whatever course of study would relate to this interaction. The PC will receive a +2 on the persuasion check following the interaction.
19. Small Pouch of Tiny Gems - a small pouch of tiny gems worth 20gp.
20. Potion of Tongues - a small crystal vial containing thick blue liquid. If imbibed, the user can understand any spoken language they hear for 24 hours.
21. Potion of Healing - Heals 1d4+2
22. A Spell Scroll - a tattered, but still usable/readable spell scroll. Usable by a cleric, paladin, or wizard. The spell is Gentle Repose.
23. Filthy Stick - a quarterstaff-sized stick, covered in disgusting goo. Probably feces. Despite the odor and health hazards of using such a nasty item, it grants the user +2 to attack and damage rolls with the item.
24. Flashy Pants - these shiny metallic pants are not armor, per se. But, they do afford the attuned user an additional 10ft of movement speed.
25. Top Secret Envelope - a paper envelope marked "Top Secret". Inside is a document revealing a bit of intel about one of the many mysterious NPCs, Locations, or Adventure Hooks you're aware of.
26. Treats - a woven straw basket containing a dozen homemade chocolate biscuits. They’re delicious.
27. Bullseye Lantern - A bullseye lantern casts bright light in a 60-foot cone and dim light for an additional 60 feet. Once lit, it burns for 6 hours on a flask (1 pint) of oil. Oil not included.
28. Spatula - a well-made metal spatula with a long wooden handle.
29. Sack of Sugar - a five pound sack of sugar.
30. Dust of Sneak - a small leather pouch containing brown powder. It can be sprinkled on up to four creatures, or otherwise contains four uses. Upon use, it grants the user +5 to Stealth checks for ten minutes.
31. Tooth - It could be a humanoid tooth, it could be an animal tooth. Either way, it’s a single tooth.
32. Athletic Salve - a small clay pot containing a gray salve. If smeared on the ankles and knees, it grants the user an additional 10 ft of movement and +2 to Athletics checks for 6 hours. Contains two uses.
33. 3d10 Gold - Your patron has come through with some coin!
34. Dented Helmet - A scuffed and dented steel helmet with adjustable leather straps. It will fit humanoids with some adjustments. It does not provide any adjustment to armor class.
35. Battleaxe Head - A finely crafted battle ax head in excellent condition. Once affixed to a handle, can be used as a standard battle ax.
36. A dead pigeon, stuffed and mounted on a short stick - A dead pigeon, stuffed and mounted on a short stick. A magical item which does not require attunement, but can only be used after being identified.
37. Flark Mining Collective Mining Survival Guide - A thick pamphlet for miners detailing survival tactics for use in caves and mines. If you spend 10 hours studying this booklet, you’ll commit enough of it to memory to provide a +2 to Survival checks while in caves and mines.
38. Potion of Healing - heals 1d4+2
39. 4d8 Gold - Some coins, huzzah!
40. Tiny Skeletal Leg - A tiny skeletal leg consisting of femur, tibia, fibula and ankle and foot bones.
41. Glass Eye - A glass eye, color; blue
42. Short Sword - Summoning Ducks - A short sword with a slightly yellow metal blade and thick gold crossguard bearing what appear to be small jeweled eyes. The grip is wrapped with orange-tinged leather and the pommel is a tight ball of white fluffy feathers. Once per day, the user can summon 1d6 ducks. Recharges at dawn. The sword itself does standard damage, but is considered a magical weapon.
43. Lapel Pin - A small gold tone lapel pin bearing the initials MW. It might be brass, but it’s not gold. A tiny fleck of a ruby is embedded under the M. (The pin belongs to Mormir Warborn, the Merchant Harbor Blacksmith)
44. Caltrops - as an action, you can spread a single bag of caltrops to cover a 5-foot-square area. Any creature that enters the area must succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw or stop moving and take 1 piercing damage. Until the creature regains at least 1 hit point, its walking speed is reduced by 10 feet. A creature moving through the area at half speed doesn't need to make the saving throw.
45. Quartz Bead - This small bead is cloudy white with a tinge of pale green. It must be attuned to. If worn in some way, it grants the user +2 to persuasion checks.
46. Wizard Academy Pin - A small, circular silver and gold lapel pin bearing the words “Wizard Academy”. It must be attuned to. If worn, it grants the user +2 to arcana checks.
47. Silver Diamond Ring - A simple ring made of silver, with a large diamond set in it.
48. Tiny Horse Figurine - A tiny gray horse figurine carved from soft wood. It is not magical.
49. Candle - For 1 hour, a candle sheds bright light in a 5-foot radius and dim light for an additional 5 feet.
50. Focus Fern - A pouch containing a single dried up fiddlehead, the early growth of a fern. Blueish-green in color, this plant, when eaten, provides the user advantage on concentration checks for one hour.
51. Clockwork Finch - a clockwork finch that flaps its wings when a slight breeze is present.
52. A Fancy Chainmail Shirt +1 - Expertly-crafted (non-magical) medium armor that provides exceptional coverage (+1) for torso and arms. Your armor class with this item is 14 +DEX modifier.
53. Potion of Healing - heals 1d4+2
54. Vial of Acid - As an action, you can splash the contents of this vial onto a creature within 5 feet of you or throw the vial up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. In either case, make a ranged attack against a creature or object, treating the acid as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 2d6 acid damage.
55. Amethyst - A small chunk of amethyst worth 50gp.
56. Willowshade Oil - A vial of dark blue oil. A creature can use its action to apply the oil to another creature that has been petrified for less than 1 minute, causing the petrified condition on that creature to end at the start of what would be that creature's next turn.
57. Fishing Lure - A small metal fishing lure encrusted with bits of colored glass and bearing several sharp fish hooks. If used where there are fish present, there’s a fifty percent chance of catching a fish every five minutes.
58. Leather Ball - A well-inflated, round leather ball approximately 10 inches in diameter. It appears to be made of horsehide. If ruptured, it emits a cloud of noxious gas. All creatures within 5 feet need to make a DC 10 Constitution Saving Throw or be incapacitated for three rounds with fits of coughing.
59. Mummified Frog - A large green and brown frog, long dead, which has been mummified by unknown means.
60. Garish Hat - The most obnoxious and garish hat you’ve ever seen. Strips of leather dyed in neon blue and green, stitched with hot pink cording, a bill that sticks out a foot in front of the wearer’s head, long safari flaps on the back, printed with multicolored flowers. The top of the hat comes to a point, much like a traditional wizard or witch hat - a black hat band emblazoned with silver stars - and two obscenely long peacock feathers arch to the rear from either side of it.
61. Vial of Thick Black Liquid - A small glass vial of gooey black gel. It’s a unique substance of unknown origin. Touching the liquid bears no result. Ingesting the goo will give the user stomach cramps and diarrhea. Coating a blade or piercing weapon with it will result in 2hp of poison damage per use. Vial contains 4 uses for this purpose.
62. Jug of Fermentation - A glazed jug with a wide mouth and a large rubber stopper affixed to the neck of the jug by a metal clip. Printed on the jug are basic instructions for fermenting fruit into “wine”.
63. Block of Dark Chocolate - A small chunk of dark chocolate wrapped in beeswax coated parchment. It seems to be in edible condition.
64. Caltrops - As an action, you can spread a bag of caltrops to cover a square area that is 5 feet on a side. Any creature that enters the area must succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw or stop moving this turn and take 1 piercing damage. Taking this damage reduces the creature's walking speed by 10 feet until the creature regains at least 1 hit point. A creature moving through the area at half speed doesn't need to make the save.
65. Blackberry Preserves - A small clay jar of expertly made blackberry preserves.
66. A Very Nice Satchel - A satchel con.
67. Wukka Nut - This fist-sized nut rattles when shaken, causing its shell to shed bright light in a 10-foot radius and dim light for an additional 10 feet. This magical light fades after 1 minute, but shaking the nut again causes the light to reappear. If the shell of the nut is cracked open, it loses its magic.
68. Pirate Treasure Map Piece 1 - A rolled-up piece of vellum (paper made from animal membrane) with a very basic map drawn on it with black ink. You can tell it’s been crudely cut down the middle, with the starting point being a north-facing beach at the top of the page - a trail that leads to the west along the shoreline, and around a small mountainous peak in the middle of the page, coming to what looks like a field of rocky tidal pools, and then just heading a bit to the east before coming to the cut.
69. Pirate Treasure Map Piece 2 - A rolled-up piece of vellum (paper made from animal membrane) with a very basic map drawn on it with black ink. You can tell it’s been crudely cut down the middle. You don’t know where the map starts, but the drawing of a mountain peak takes up the upper half of the drawing. A dashed line runs along the southern edge of the mountain and leads to a drawing of a cat, and then heads north to a cave on the eastern side of the mountain.
70. Ruby - an imperfect ruby, still worth 50gp
71. Makeup Kit - a small makeup kit with a variety of pigments.
72. Knuckle Dusters - a set of crude “brass knuckles”. The finger holes and palm pieces are made of wood, with a strip of copper making up the striking surface. +2 damage to unarmed strikes. If a natural one is rolled while striking with the knuckle dusters, they break.
73. Ledger - a black leather bound journal with parchment pages, wrapped with a black silk ribbon. The text of the pages is written in common and details the buying of small amounts of raw ore and precious metals, unique or rare woods, unfinished leather, cloth, and other supplies.
74. Bucket of Mess - a tin bucket with a handle, dented and rusty, half-full of dark, viscous goo. Inspection reveals bits of bone, scraps of flesh, clumps of hair and a couple of teeth.
75. Glass Bottles – six glass bottles, the size of a beer bottle, empty, ready for filling with whatever you like.
76. Magnifying Glass - a round, heavy glass magnifying lens bound to a black wooden handle by a strip of silver. +1 to Investigation checks.
77. Fire Powder - a small leather pouch, perhaps a bull scrotum, full of a grainy red powder. If exposed directly to high levels of moisture (like a pool of blood or a cup of water), it rapidly heats. After one minute, it achieves combustion. It burns with intense heat and bright red light, burning hot enough to melt metal. It ignores moisture of any kind. It burns quickly and after one round, it extinguishes. It causes 2d12 fire damage.
78. Wind-up Mechanical Frog - a clockwork frog, the size of your fist, made from wood, leather and metal parts. Colored to look like a real frog, it has a small hole in the center of its back, from which sticks out a small metal “key” for winding up the frog. Fully wound, the frog will hop approximately 30 seconds, for a total distance of 30 feet.
79. Dried Vegetables - a burlap satchel containing an assortment of cut, dehydrated vegetables. Onions, carrots, celery, turnips, peas, corn… Typically used for making soups or stews. About a pound of them, enough for four pots of soup (if meat is provided).
80. A sleep spell scroll
81. Diamond Dust - a small bottle containing over 200 gp worth of diamond dust.
82. Salt Shaker - a hand-carved wooden salt shaker full of salt.
83. 3d20 Gold - Your patron has come through with some gold!
84. A Fainting Goat - a small goat with nubbins for horns. If frightened or excited, it will faint for 1d6 turns.
85. 10d100 Gold - A pretty sweet haul, if your dice roll well.
86. Matchless Pipe - A switch made of flint is built into the bowl of this fine wooden smoking pipe. With a few flicks of the switch, the pipe lights itself.
87. Potion of Greater Healing - heals 2d4+4 hp.
88. Zabou Mushroom - If handled carefully, a zabou can be handled without causing it to release its spores. If crushed or struck, a zabou releases its spores in a 10-foot-radius sphere. A zabou can also be hurled up to 30 feet away or dropped like a grenade, releasing its cloud of spores on impact. Any creature in that area must succeed on a DC 10 Constitution saving throw or be poisoned for 1 minute. The poisoned creature's skin itches for the duration. The creature can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of its turns, ending the effect on itself on a success.
89. Cracked Silver Goblet - A small silver goblet with a two inch crack down one side that prohibits it from holding liquid. If the crack is repaired, the magic of this goblet is restored. If an ounce of liquid is poured into the goblet, the goblet magically replicates and refills with the same liquid over and over again for one hour. It can be spilled out, one ounce at a time, indefinitely over the course of one hour. The goblet can do this once per day.
90. A Potato - A potato.
91. Mysterious Potion - an opaque black bottle holds dark liquid inside. What it does is anyone’s guess. Only a few drops remain, so tasting it might tell you what it does, but would use it up at the same time.
92. White Wood Staff - A wooden staff that appears to be carved of ivory or bone - but closer inspection reveals it’s actually white wood. On the top of the staff, a small white crystal.
93. Potpourri & Incense - Dried flowers, herbs, berries, and chunks of desiccated fruit are packed into a small tin along with several cubes of incense. They smell floral, yet fruity, and will freshen the aromas of any large space if scattered about or burned.
94. Silver Hug Coin - A thin silver coin with The word HUG - and drawings etched on either side. One side is etched with the drawing of a stick figure holding up a heart at the end of a stick, a rudimentary sun shining overhead. The other side is emblazoned with a heart shape, and raised dots in Braille spelling out the word HUG.
95. Tiny Citrine Crystal - a tiny citrine crystal, which appears to have been scorched on one end. It may have been part of something else. It may have magical properties.
96. 300 gold pieces - In a small wood and iron chest, you find 300 gold pieces.
97. A Different Big Honkin’ Diamond - a big honkin’ diamond, but not the one you already received. Like the previous big honkin' diamond, this one is worth over 1,000 gold pieces. You could keep it whole, or if you find a skilled gem cutter, split it into 3 diamonds worth over 300 each.
98. Magical Inks - 500gp worth of gem-infused magical inks. Perfect for writing spell scrolls or putting spells into a spellbook.
99. Shield of Arrow Catching - A small circular shield made of wood and iron banding. It’s battered, splintered in spots, but holding together well (for now). You gain a +2 bonus to AC against ranged Attacks while you wield this Shield. This bonus is in addition to the shield’s normal bonus to AC. In addition, whenever an attacker makes a ranged Attack against a target within 5 feet of you, you can use your Reaction to become the target of the Attack instead.+2 to AC
100. Turd - a large, firm turd. Stinky. Is it just a turd? Is there something in it? Is it magical? What are we supposed to do with this? I ROLLED A 100! A TURD? REALLY!?

I only have psoriasis inside my ears, behind my ears, around my anus and genitals, on my scrotum.
It responds pretty well to steroids and tacrolimus (although I believe the tacrolimus is affecting my hearing and balance when used inside the ear so I am stopping it). But it’s persistent and always comes back a few days after stopping topicals.
The pain when sitting and walking is annoying, it itches so bad it interrupts my sleep. I believe the ear psoriasis is connected to an inner ear inflammation that is new, when it flares up I also get tinnitus louder and balance issues and a full feeling in my ears.
I am also starting to get gut issues I and my doctor suspects they are autoimmune as well. This is early stages, just started seeing a gastro for it and getting tests.
It is very difficult to treat these areas with topicals. But I don’t have a large area of my body covered. I don’t have any arthritis aside from my left foot but that may be unrelated. I am fairly young, early 40’s.
I haven’t discussed this with my derm yet (next appt is in a month). But I was wondering if anyone takes a biologic just for these areas without more broad body coverage? Is the risks and side effects of a biologic worth it to treat this?
Also I am located in the US and have great insurance. I’m not rich or anything but I have no children and a decent job so cost is less a concern of mine over quality of life. I would spend half my income or more if it would make this all stop.
TLDR - I only have inverse P in my groin, anal area, ears and around genitals. Do you take a biologic for this? Does it work well on those areas? Do you have to have more P or more extreme body coverage to consider this medicine? I am in the US with good insurance.

Hi,
Today I took the time to read one of the public patent of Wisantor.
It contains a LOT of interesting information, which are usually very sparse in this topic.
Link: https://patents.google.com/patent/WO2020198252A1/
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Here are a few takeways :

• [0201] After one or two months of treatment, symptomatic relief is achieved in most subjects.
  • Good to know: after 3 months mark, we'll probably be able to tell if something is happening or stop otherwise.
• [0202] The topical composition used in each of the Examples used DMSO as the low volatility solvent and polyethylene glycol alkyl ether as the a polyether surfactant

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Wisantor is using Pirenzepine free base (or dihydrochloride salt) instead of Pirenzepine dihydrochloride in its trials : WST-057 is made of 4% pirenzepine free base monohydrate

• Example 16: Screening Pirenzepine Free Base Formulations to Improve Drying Time And to Increase Viscosity
• Formulation optimization was performed to improve the drying rate of the formulation and increase the formulation viscosity to improve ease of application in support of longer-term clinical trial use
  • I'm now under the impression that they use a different Pirenzepine form (free base vs dihydrochloride), not primarly for efficacy. Which is a good thing, because Pirenzepine dihydrochloride is more accessible/classic than its free base version.

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Formulations
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Some apparently complete formulations
HY119 = hydroxypropylcellulose
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Other examples ; WinF84, without free base
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Now that we have multiple examples of formulation, reproducing one such as WinFB34, doesn't seem out of reach.
Honestly, I don't know if it is going to work "as is" or not, but I really think it's worth trying. We might be close to find a working stuff.
Example 1 : Preparation of Pirenzepine Dihydrochloride Formulation

• [0133] For a typical pirenzepine dihydrochloride composition of the present application, the pirenzepine dihydrochloride was first weighed into a suitable container and the appropriate amount of water was transferred quantitatively into the container. Citric acid, sodium citrate and sodium hydroxide were weighed and added to this water phase. The resulting mixture was stirred until dissolution was complete. Additional solvents as discussed in more detail below, such as dimethyl sulfoxide (“DMSO”), ethanol, or propylene glycol, etc. were then added and the mixture was briefly mixed. Surfactants, fatty acids, preservative and any other constituents outside of thickening agents were then added. The resulting mixture was then stirred until dissolution of all ingredients was complete. Finally, any thickening agent (such as cellulose thickeners, polyvinyl alcohol, Carbopols, etc.) were then added. The final mixture was stirred overnight to allow the thickening agent to fully swell.

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Case reports :

• [0205] A 59 year old Caucasian male with type 1 diabetes from age 20 began suffering from involuntary muscle movement in calves for 2 years. Over the next six months, subject had several health issues including sharp pains in feet, muscle cramping in calves, aching feet and legs, balance issues and lost the ability to perform any leg exercises. He was diagnosed with diabetic peripheral neuropathy via an EMG test. Patient also suffered from fasciculations in calves which impeded normal sleep. Patient began applying 4% pirenzepine solution on his feet and legs prior to going to sleep. Within 3 weeks, subject noticed fasciculations were not as severe and was able to sleep. Eventually, other symptoms were mitigated over the next several months of use.
• [0208] A 52- year old black male subject was suffering for several years from pain and numbness of both feet due to Peripheral Neuropathy secondary to insulin dependent Diabetes mellitus. Pain was so severe that sleep was denied from chronic pain. Even conventional pain medicines did not help. Pirenzepine 4% solutions was applied daily by the patient to his skin near the painful area. Within 3 months, subject experienced pain and numbness relief in both feet. Thereafter the subject achieved restful sleep. Subject continues to use the solution for relief successfully.
• [0211] A 72-year-old Caucasian female had carotid arterial surgery leaving a 6-inch scar on her neck and paralyzing nerves on left check for 18 months - loss of sensation. A 4% Pirenzepine solution was applied to her face daily for 3 weeks. Substantial senasation (-90%) feeling (temperature and light touch) has returned to facial area, and has remained despite cessation of the topical drug (6 months).
• [0214] A 54 year old Asian female with stage 3 endometrial carcinoma was treated with radio chemotherapy (cisplatin, then four rounds of carboplatin-taxol combination), She applied the pirenzepine topical solution a few days prior to chemotherapy treatments and continued applying. Patient felt the neuropathy affects after the first round of carboplatin. She developed pain and numbness of her feet and hands caused by peripheral neuropathy from chemotherapy for the first several days. Her peripheral neuropathy subsided. She continued to apply the pirenzepine topical solution to the skin of her feet and hands. The pain and numbness did not return in her hands and feet.
• [0217] A 74-year-old Caucasian male was diagnosed with Large Basal Cell Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. He was treated with R-CHOP therapy that included Vincristin and high doses of Prednisone, six treatments were administered three weeks apart. About halfway through the chemotherapy cycles, he experienced extreme weakness in his legs to the point where I could not rise from a seated position. Following the chemotherapy course, his feet became numb, and his balance was affected. Exercising the foot regained control of his feet but not the feeling. The skin of the feet, up to the sock line, and my fingertips were completely numb. Subject began applying 4% pirenzepine solution after showering. After several months, feeling and tingling returned, including minor pain. Balance also improved. After several additional months, pain subsided and improved sensation and balance.
• [0220] A 76 year old Caucasian female began feeling numbness and tingling in her feet and hands due to unknown idiopathic reasons, She was unable to have the sense to avoid objects with her feet, with increased imbalance. She began applying a 4% pirenzepine solution daily. After a month of use, she began to increase sensation. She also went to physical therapy after the first month, where electrical stimulation was applied. Therapist noted that she was able to feel the stimulation at a level 8, whereas before application of the solution, she could not feel the stimulation until it was turned up to a level 25. Subject also noticed for first time the gel pack applied to her during treatment was heated. After several months, she no longer had the imbalance or ran into objects with her feet. Although she noticed no significant additional changes, she noted that a week of non-use would significantly deteriorate condition.

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Now my hope is that combining this, with other treatments, like ARA-290, Exercise 5 times a week, + ALCAR, + B vitamins etc. will at least stabilize me.
Unfortunately, I'm not able to put ~1000€ for Pirenzepine formulation, at the moment ; or another ~1000€ for ARA-290.
But at least, I'm a bit more hopeful to find something that will help.
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Important: This is not not medical advice!
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EDIT:
I also stumbled into this patent, from Wisantor's CEO: "Compositions and methods for improving sexual sensory disorders", claimed recently, where they seem to use a similar formulation with DMSO.
Less detailed, but still interesting since it's specifically formulated for genitalia application
With some success case reports : (to take with a salt)

• [0158] Subject 1 was a 44-year-old man of Asian descent suffering intermittently from the effects of Guillain–Barré Syndrome (GBS) for some years, primarily affecting his mobility. Over 15 years, he had noticed a progression of diminished sensitivity and delayed ejaculation during sex, with an average ejaculation time of 40-50 minutes. A daily application of a formulation of 4% pirenzepine (as described in Example 1) was applied to the entire penis including the head (glans), shaft and scrotum of the penis for 2 weeks, subject noticed a shorter interval to ejaculation of an average of 30 minutes. His orgasm was noticeably more intense.
• [0159] Subject 2 was a 68-year-old subject. Subject applied a topical formulation as that described in Example 1 to the head (glans) and shaft of the penis once a day in the late evening for 8 weeks. After two weeks the subject noticed a significant and qualitatively improved positive sensory difference during intercourse. Subject did not believe there had been decline in sensitivity, but after 3 weeks treatment discovered there had been significant improvement in sensitivity and intensity, rapidity, urgency, and duration of response to baseline levels of stimulation. No negative side effects were detected, and sensation continued to improve after 4 weeks. Subject remarked that he didn’t realize that he’d lost so much sensation until it was restored. Subject had been using tadalafil 10mg prior to intercourse, and reduced dose to 5mg as a result of improvement in sensitivity, sustainment and hardness.
• Subject 3 was a non-diabetic Asian male 49 years old in good health but with difficulty for approximately 3 years in reaching ejaculation, progressively getting worse. Subject 3 used the provided topical medication inconsistently but on average once a week for three months. During that time subject saw a huge improvement in the ability to reach climax. There was not a single instance since starting treatment that the subject was unable to climax. Subject 3 reported increased occurrences of awakening to a morning erection, and increased sexual sensitivity.
• [0161] Subject 4 was a 61 year old, male Caucasian diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes in July 2010. Subject reported a decreasing sexual response over the years, with function occasionally treated with Cialis, but due to side effects, that treatment was discontinued. The subject started application of topical pirenzepine on penis and after two days, there was an increase of sexual response and function. Subject 4 reported that he had nocturnal erections typically for the three days after application, which was applied typically twice weekly. The subject experienced a noticeable sensation after the application around the scrotum where the penis lies. The subject reported functional improvement in the ability to achieve an erection and penetrative intercourse. Ejaculation was similar to patient’s experience with Cialis, but without a headache.
• [0162] It is noted in the above examples that various skin contact areas, analgesic system contact times, methods of treating specific conditions, etc., are provided for exemplary purposes only

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Hello Doctors,
Early 2022 - Experienced a severe sciatic flare-up on left side (hip and buttocks then radiating down my left leg) for the first time in my life. After a round of steroids, physical therapy and rest, slowly improved until I was pain free by mid to late 2022. That last a couple months and then in December 2022, pain returns with similar flare but then switches to my right leg. No more radiating. Just a constant, throbbing ache near my ankle.
My PCP orders an MRI and I finally go to an spine specialist who reviews my MRI and see's a bulging disc at the L5S1 level. We try two epidural sterioid injections (left and right at the L5S1) but no improvement. Try gabapentin too, no improvement.
Mid 2023 - I have surgery and I recover well. About 3-4 weeks after the surgery, my right leg pain returns and hasn't left since.
MRI 2 - 5 months after surgery and new neurosurgeon finds no evidence of re-herniation or other pathology and says there was good work done by my surgeon.
I also had an EMG done which found nothing unusual in my left leg but for my right leg... "there is electrodiagnostic evidence consistent with a mild priochronic L5 radiculopathy without ongoing denervation"
To rule out something related to my right foot/ankle since the pain area is near there, I get an x-ray and MRI done of my ankle/foot. Nothing unusual is found other than prior evidence of mild sprain. To be clear, I don't have any more or less pain when I walk or put weight on my foot. The pain exists in every position, standing, laying down or sitting unless I'm on a paid med.
I go to a pain management clinic and the doctor their tries another epidural steroid injection at right side of L5S1. I have no pain for 31 hours but then pain returns. No reduction of pain after that. Interesting result this time (never had any pain elimination previously), not sure what he did differently but I know it could be taken as evidence that it is my L5 that's irritated.
So I am at a loss, I have no functional limitations (except for reducing my qualify life obviously) or other sensations (tingling, numbness, weakness, etc.) except this constant leg pain that is only relieved with ibuprofen and/or Tylenol. Occasionally, say 5% of the time, I feel pain in other areas on my right side (hip, buttocks or thigh) but it doesn't stick around.
Thank you for your help, suggestions or anything to help me find a cause for this awful, persistent pain.
Age: 35
Sex: Male Height: 5'10''
Weight: 160
Race: Caucasian
Duration of complaint: 23 months
Location (Geographic and on body): Lower right leg (along L5 nerve)
Any existing relevant medical issues: I get intermittent scrotum pain that started in ate October 2023 but an ultrasound found nothing. The urgent care doctor suspected I was possibly having referred pain from constipation. I do get constipated quite often so cleaning up my diet to reduce constipation has seemed to help.
Current medications: Tylenol and Ibuprofen daily

Hihi, so basically around 3 weeks ago I had a pretty mild injury, I had my penis and scrotum outside my sweatpants and when I tucked them back in I believe the band of the sweatpants struck my left testicle. There was a sharp pain for a few seconds but then went away. Later I felt it and it was semi-numb and seemed to be enlarged. Anyway, that isn't the main focus here, instead, now, 3 weeks later, I sometimes still get this very mild pain, more of a discomfort, not on the testicle, but on the area around it, not on the penis or scrotum, but on the skin that is more... "connected" (basically if you were to draw a line where the penis begins and the leg/pelvis ends) Here's the key thing: I went to a emergency "talk time" (not sure what to call it in english) where a Urologist did an ultrasound and found nothing wrong, no lumps, not inflammation, apparently nothing. They basically said that "the area there is very sensitive". I have noticed that maybe it could have something to do with how I sit? I often cross my legs (one foot on the other knee usually). The pain was initially pretty bad after the injury, nothing debilitatingly so but I would take painkillers for both ease of mind and for painkilling. I would love to hear if anyone has any thoughts as to if this is just a really long healing process, or if anyone has had similar experiences, thanks a lot!
TL:DR After mild injury some mild discomfort after 3 weeks, nothing apparently wrong but would like to hear if anyone has any other ideas what it could be.