Funny self introduction
SelfIntroduction
2020.04.29 23:56 Kubera_Leez SelfIntroduction
SelfIntroductions
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2024.05.18 22:01 ScotCreekPrincess 27 (F4A) Kentucky/Online looking for SFW chat
Hello,
I am part of a dedicated closed polyamorous relationship. I am a small business owner, soon to be mother and homesteader. Questions or friendly, appropriate discussion of the dynamics of my family are welcome but not expected.
Everyone has a story, let's trade your stories for mine. I believe chances are good that we will gain knowledge, wisdom, insight and understanding. If we become chat friends my female partners may ask your permission to join the chat but if you decline no insult will be taken.
I am indigenous native American and Scottish American. I am a bit of a romantic and have been accused of unintentionally speaking poetically. I enjoy classic rock music far beyond simply listening and have some interesting, non intrusive stories about several musicians. I enjoy the outdoors and occasionally explore the caves on our property, ride the trails, fish the waters or simply sit quietly and observe. I have many other interests but this is introduction, not a biography lol
I love my significant others with my entire self and my world revolves around them and am guilty of occasionally talking about them too much, however we often have date nights for different people to strengthen those relationships, those not on date night spend time with friends, neighbors and family. Those are the nights that I often enjoy trading stories with strangers.
If you believe that I might be interesting, or find you interesting let's chat and see how it goes.
submitted by ScotCreekPrincess to r4r [link] [comments]
I am part of a dedicated closed polyamorous relationship. I am a small business owner, soon to be mother and homesteader. Questions or friendly, appropriate discussion of the dynamics of my family are welcome but not expected.
Everyone has a story, let's trade your stories for mine. I believe chances are good that we will gain knowledge, wisdom, insight and understanding. If we become chat friends my female partners may ask your permission to join the chat but if you decline no insult will be taken.
I am indigenous native American and Scottish American. I am a bit of a romantic and have been accused of unintentionally speaking poetically. I enjoy classic rock music far beyond simply listening and have some interesting, non intrusive stories about several musicians. I enjoy the outdoors and occasionally explore the caves on our property, ride the trails, fish the waters or simply sit quietly and observe. I have many other interests but this is introduction, not a biography lol
I love my significant others with my entire self and my world revolves around them and am guilty of occasionally talking about them too much, however we often have date nights for different people to strengthen those relationships, those not on date night spend time with friends, neighbors and family. Those are the nights that I often enjoy trading stories with strangers.
If you believe that I might be interesting, or find you interesting let's chat and see how it goes.
2024.05.18 21:56 CuriousAnachronism 24 [M4M] Germany/Europe/Online - Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus
Prologue
Hello and welcome to my post. I will subdivide this into two large parts. One will cover my thoughts, feelings, my hopes and dreams...While the other will tell you the specifics of how I pass the time, what topics interest me, what passions do I posses. I believe that at the end of this leap into my inner world, you dear reader, will have all the necessary information to judge whether we are compatible or not.
Part I
I am writing this in the hopes of finding something that I lack. Lately I have had this feeling, this tinge of melancholy within the dephts of my being, this yearning to find a kindred spirit, another Soul, much like mine, to form a bond with. Perhaps Loneliness is the right word for what is bothering me, but to use it seems to carry with it a connotation of ungratefulness. Ungratefulness for the people that I do have in my life, although none of them, of course, have the connection to me that I seek here.
I have found it increasingly necessary to seek in this Life a sort of purity of thought. What I mean is, I have began to undestand what ideas and concepts are ultimately compatible with my inner most Self, ergo what guidelines I have to follow to feel the most whole. Naturally I have likewise realised what I cannot add to my Self and what I will henceforth reject with all the power that I posses.
With this new context in mind, I now follow on the path of self improvement. I will now begin to mold my Self into my perfected idea of how the Self should be. This is certainly a significant undertaking, one that will not be easy to follow through on but one that I ultimately have to do. To me such context is essential. It is akin to a Guiding Star shining in the night. I will follow this Star for without it I am lost in the vast Darkness.
Looking back at my life, it was suboptimal, especially if one compares the way it molded me to how I will now mold myself. I suppose I must look on with a hint of regret at all that time which one might consider to be lost. Still... I try to stave off such decisively negative interpretations, after all, I have ultimately came to these conclusions. That means that somewhere along the line I had to have picked up on enough of such ideas for them to become so cemented in my consciousness. Well, either that or I was always like this, but in that case I can at least thank my life up to this point for not being able to supress such manifestations of my inner most Self.
To add to the topic of my life, I must admit that not all the battles have yet been won, not all the Demons vanquished, not every Mountain climbed. I want you to keep such things in mind when deciding whether or not to approach me. Many will shy away, I undestand that much, but the pursuit of true Companionship is just another such battle. Having said all that I do believe that being able to overcome hurdles together carries with it a certain appeal. That is to say, what's the fun in joining once the Game is already over?
I don't shy away from such challenges, perhaps to a fault. Certain troubles that I faced in the past carry with them a long shadow over my current health and well being. Still, I intend to change little in this regard other than the proficiency with which I will clash the current of my Will against the cliffs of Life.
Part II
In this part of my post I will tell you about my interests and hobbies, I will try to be thorough, commonality in this regard is rather important to build a relationship
History. I have had an interest in history for almost a decade now, it started back in school and developed from there. Well, now that I think about it one could argue that it started even earlier in my life as I liked watching the odd historic documentary or film aired on television but it wasn't regular back then, I never actively sought it out. I am mostly interested in European history in the period between the 18th-20th century but I sometimes branch out to other time periods and other parts of the world. I watch various channels related to history and read articles and sometimes books. I have recently got a few books on the German revolution of 1848/1849 and a historical magazine on the Thirty Years' War. Besides that I try to visit museums sometimes.
Literature. Especially old novels. I like to immerse myself in the Worlds of these books, I tend to read them while listening to thematically fitting music and take my time with them. One time you are following a troubled Youth in his quest for spiritual understanding of the world, another you see the aged and decrepit Doctor gambling his very Soul on the promises of abtaining satisfaction in earthy pleasures, then again your olfaction notices the most pleasant scent known to man even as the one eminating it has the appearance of a revolting Frog. These and many other stories open up to you once you decide to set foot into the literary World.
Languages. I know three, with one being a bit rusty. I am currently working intently on strengthening it. I believe that if I continue to apply myself in this regard then I should be able to finally conquer it. What language am I working on? Well, if you were to stack all the major works in it they would be as tall as a house... It is fun to go through different works in multiple languages, the same goes for film, games and such.
Games. I recently played Cyberpunk 2077. Well as recently as I played any major story centric game. Now that the dust has settled and the bugs mostly removed...It's not that bad. The main questline at least. Besides that I tried Fallout 76 (Very average, I'm dissapointed with what they made the "RPG" system) and I might give Deus Ex Manking Divided another spin (since it's somewhat similar to Cyberpunk when it comes to its aesthetics). Dark Souls is one of my favorite series, I still haven't beaten Elden Ring though. When it came out I wasn't in the right mindset to invest a hundred hours into it, with all those bosses and difficult locations. I think I'll only consider playing it if I am streaming it to someone. I am generally interested in either streaming games or having the person I am talking to stream them to me. To be specific I mean streaming to a single person while being on call. Besides that I'm a big fan of Paradox strategy games, especially Europa Universalis IV and Heats of Iron IV, I tend to only play single player since I find multiplayer with many people to be rather stressful but on the other hand I have nothing against a co-op game. I'm not the best player though, despite the ammount of hours I have in them. Another great game I would mention would be Dragon's Dogma. A very underrated RPG. I recently beat it again and it was an atmospheric and interesting experience. It is one of those games that feel like they have an endless ammount of depth and constant new secrets to discover.
Anime and Manga. In recent times my interest in them has waned but I still watch the occasional series here and there. Like Cyberpunk Edgerunners (Which I found to be rather mediocre) and the very good first season from the new arc of Bleach. Some of my favourite series include: Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Death Note, Fate;Zero, Psycho Pass, Code Geass and Attack on Titan. I wouldn't mind if you were to introduce me to some new series, maybe based on the ones I mentioned. My favourite Manga is Berserk which I still follow, althought I am still not certain on the direction that the new author is taking. I suppose it really is a matter of contention whether a somewhat (or considerably warped) vision is better than an unfinished work. One could argue that a few novels remain unfinished and possess a macabre appeal to them as such.
Music. Classical music has a very special place in my heart. A few of my favourite pieces would be: Clair de Lune, Nocturne Op. 9 No.2, Devil's Trill Sonata, Danse Macabre, Valse Sentimentale, Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92: II. Alegreto (by Beethoven) and Suite from Swan Lake, Op. 20a: I. Scene. Moderato. There are more but these ones always invoke something in me when I listen to them. Besides Classical I also enjoy listening to Synthwave, old Western pop and J-pop, both modern and from the 20th century.
Esotericism. I am interested in things spiritual, mystical, magical and esoteric. I have read religios texts, magical grimoires, introductions to various schools of thought. It is interesting to me.
Epilogue
Hopefully I was able to cast the spotlight upon my inner World in a clear and unequivocal manner. I feel the need to add to the aforementioned that I am rather introverted, which means that I tend to dislike large social gatherings. I managed to condition myself to be able to endure the presense of large groups of people but it isn't something that I would seek out in most cases. Besides that I am neurodivergent and suffer from certain issues with mental health. I have to take medication to keep myself under control. They work well enough but certain days are harder than others. I respect the struggle that others have with mental health but in the context of a relationship I have my limits, no one with BDP for instance. I am also not looking for anything casual. I understand than one cannot demand depth and meaning from a conversation with an absolute stranger, that is akin to trying to build a sand castle right before the waves strike but I ask at least that you enter with a mindset that this might become something of significance. I also do want to say that I am completely Monogamous. My preference? The sickly, pale, intellectual who watches rain droplets slide down the window in Autumn. Lastly, if I enjoy the company of a person I tend to not want to let them go.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and have a good day. I ask that you send a DM instead of a chat and that you give the English translation of my title as your own.
Goodbye...Or perhaps untill we meet again
submitted by CuriousAnachronism to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]
Hello and welcome to my post. I will subdivide this into two large parts. One will cover my thoughts, feelings, my hopes and dreams...While the other will tell you the specifics of how I pass the time, what topics interest me, what passions do I posses. I believe that at the end of this leap into my inner world, you dear reader, will have all the necessary information to judge whether we are compatible or not.
Part I
I am writing this in the hopes of finding something that I lack. Lately I have had this feeling, this tinge of melancholy within the dephts of my being, this yearning to find a kindred spirit, another Soul, much like mine, to form a bond with. Perhaps Loneliness is the right word for what is bothering me, but to use it seems to carry with it a connotation of ungratefulness. Ungratefulness for the people that I do have in my life, although none of them, of course, have the connection to me that I seek here.
I have found it increasingly necessary to seek in this Life a sort of purity of thought. What I mean is, I have began to undestand what ideas and concepts are ultimately compatible with my inner most Self, ergo what guidelines I have to follow to feel the most whole. Naturally I have likewise realised what I cannot add to my Self and what I will henceforth reject with all the power that I posses.
With this new context in mind, I now follow on the path of self improvement. I will now begin to mold my Self into my perfected idea of how the Self should be. This is certainly a significant undertaking, one that will not be easy to follow through on but one that I ultimately have to do. To me such context is essential. It is akin to a Guiding Star shining in the night. I will follow this Star for without it I am lost in the vast Darkness.
Looking back at my life, it was suboptimal, especially if one compares the way it molded me to how I will now mold myself. I suppose I must look on with a hint of regret at all that time which one might consider to be lost. Still... I try to stave off such decisively negative interpretations, after all, I have ultimately came to these conclusions. That means that somewhere along the line I had to have picked up on enough of such ideas for them to become so cemented in my consciousness. Well, either that or I was always like this, but in that case I can at least thank my life up to this point for not being able to supress such manifestations of my inner most Self.
To add to the topic of my life, I must admit that not all the battles have yet been won, not all the Demons vanquished, not every Mountain climbed. I want you to keep such things in mind when deciding whether or not to approach me. Many will shy away, I undestand that much, but the pursuit of true Companionship is just another such battle. Having said all that I do believe that being able to overcome hurdles together carries with it a certain appeal. That is to say, what's the fun in joining once the Game is already over?
I don't shy away from such challenges, perhaps to a fault. Certain troubles that I faced in the past carry with them a long shadow over my current health and well being. Still, I intend to change little in this regard other than the proficiency with which I will clash the current of my Will against the cliffs of Life.
Part II
In this part of my post I will tell you about my interests and hobbies, I will try to be thorough, commonality in this regard is rather important to build a relationship
History. I have had an interest in history for almost a decade now, it started back in school and developed from there. Well, now that I think about it one could argue that it started even earlier in my life as I liked watching the odd historic documentary or film aired on television but it wasn't regular back then, I never actively sought it out. I am mostly interested in European history in the period between the 18th-20th century but I sometimes branch out to other time periods and other parts of the world. I watch various channels related to history and read articles and sometimes books. I have recently got a few books on the German revolution of 1848/1849 and a historical magazine on the Thirty Years' War. Besides that I try to visit museums sometimes.
Literature. Especially old novels. I like to immerse myself in the Worlds of these books, I tend to read them while listening to thematically fitting music and take my time with them. One time you are following a troubled Youth in his quest for spiritual understanding of the world, another you see the aged and decrepit Doctor gambling his very Soul on the promises of abtaining satisfaction in earthy pleasures, then again your olfaction notices the most pleasant scent known to man even as the one eminating it has the appearance of a revolting Frog. These and many other stories open up to you once you decide to set foot into the literary World.
Languages. I know three, with one being a bit rusty. I am currently working intently on strengthening it. I believe that if I continue to apply myself in this regard then I should be able to finally conquer it. What language am I working on? Well, if you were to stack all the major works in it they would be as tall as a house... It is fun to go through different works in multiple languages, the same goes for film, games and such.
Games. I recently played Cyberpunk 2077. Well as recently as I played any major story centric game. Now that the dust has settled and the bugs mostly removed...It's not that bad. The main questline at least. Besides that I tried Fallout 76 (Very average, I'm dissapointed with what they made the "RPG" system) and I might give Deus Ex Manking Divided another spin (since it's somewhat similar to Cyberpunk when it comes to its aesthetics). Dark Souls is one of my favorite series, I still haven't beaten Elden Ring though. When it came out I wasn't in the right mindset to invest a hundred hours into it, with all those bosses and difficult locations. I think I'll only consider playing it if I am streaming it to someone. I am generally interested in either streaming games or having the person I am talking to stream them to me. To be specific I mean streaming to a single person while being on call. Besides that I'm a big fan of Paradox strategy games, especially Europa Universalis IV and Heats of Iron IV, I tend to only play single player since I find multiplayer with many people to be rather stressful but on the other hand I have nothing against a co-op game. I'm not the best player though, despite the ammount of hours I have in them. Another great game I would mention would be Dragon's Dogma. A very underrated RPG. I recently beat it again and it was an atmospheric and interesting experience. It is one of those games that feel like they have an endless ammount of depth and constant new secrets to discover.
Anime and Manga. In recent times my interest in them has waned but I still watch the occasional series here and there. Like Cyberpunk Edgerunners (Which I found to be rather mediocre) and the very good first season from the new arc of Bleach. Some of my favourite series include: Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Death Note, Fate;Zero, Psycho Pass, Code Geass and Attack on Titan. I wouldn't mind if you were to introduce me to some new series, maybe based on the ones I mentioned. My favourite Manga is Berserk which I still follow, althought I am still not certain on the direction that the new author is taking. I suppose it really is a matter of contention whether a somewhat (or considerably warped) vision is better than an unfinished work. One could argue that a few novels remain unfinished and possess a macabre appeal to them as such.
Music. Classical music has a very special place in my heart. A few of my favourite pieces would be: Clair de Lune, Nocturne Op. 9 No.2, Devil's Trill Sonata, Danse Macabre, Valse Sentimentale, Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92: II. Alegreto (by Beethoven) and Suite from Swan Lake, Op. 20a: I. Scene. Moderato. There are more but these ones always invoke something in me when I listen to them. Besides Classical I also enjoy listening to Synthwave, old Western pop and J-pop, both modern and from the 20th century.
Esotericism. I am interested in things spiritual, mystical, magical and esoteric. I have read religios texts, magical grimoires, introductions to various schools of thought. It is interesting to me.
Epilogue
Hopefully I was able to cast the spotlight upon my inner World in a clear and unequivocal manner. I feel the need to add to the aforementioned that I am rather introverted, which means that I tend to dislike large social gatherings. I managed to condition myself to be able to endure the presense of large groups of people but it isn't something that I would seek out in most cases. Besides that I am neurodivergent and suffer from certain issues with mental health. I have to take medication to keep myself under control. They work well enough but certain days are harder than others. I respect the struggle that others have with mental health but in the context of a relationship I have my limits, no one with BDP for instance. I am also not looking for anything casual. I understand than one cannot demand depth and meaning from a conversation with an absolute stranger, that is akin to trying to build a sand castle right before the waves strike but I ask at least that you enter with a mindset that this might become something of significance. I also do want to say that I am completely Monogamous. My preference? The sickly, pale, intellectual who watches rain droplets slide down the window in Autumn. Lastly, if I enjoy the company of a person I tend to not want to let them go.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and have a good day. I ask that you send a DM instead of a chat and that you give the English translation of my title as your own.
Goodbye...Or perhaps untill we meet again
2024.05.18 21:39 CrepuscularRays_ A confusing result.
They say actions speak louder than words but what does it mean when your actions care about me while you remain silent?
I said I missed you⊠you never said it back. You reacted with ignorance, feigned annoyance. But you stayed up with me to talk about nonsense until the sun began to rise. Until the birds outside started to sing.
Maybe you donât miss me at all⊠maybe you just donât know how to express yourself, afraid to be vulnerable⊠but youâre always going to be there for me⊠and thatâs my problem.
Because⊠why? We were really just friends? You speak to your other friends like you speak to me? I know that you donât.
Youâre not going anywhere, you havenât even moved an inch when I came back to checkâŠbut you wonât even tell me where you stand or why youâre even standing there?
And why do you leave the door so open for me when Iâve told you twice that I needed you to close it?
Do you find this funny? Are you seeing how many times Iâll give in before I give up? Is my desperation entertaining? Do I boost your ego? Do I mean anything more to you?
I felt like you cared about me⊠a lot⊠but if you really cared about me why do you tell me this but wonât tell me that? Why do you this but wonât do that? I guess Iâm selfish for wanting more⊠we weâre only friends, after all.
Youâve helped me with so much and I am immensely grateful for you but youâre hurting me with your sustained olive branch of kindness despite my wishes⊠or maybe Iâm hurting myself⊠itâs constantly making me want to break this self-imposed no contact again.
⊠I know that if I came back youâd just talk to me about whatever and make me laugh for hours for the umpteenth time. Youâd probably start glazing me again too lmao, I guess I kind of miss that even though I donât really deserve any of your nice words. You made me feel like I could do anything⊠but I digress.
I just wish I could love myself more than I yearn for yours unspoken.
And⊠well anyway, I always hope youâre doing well... I miss you.
submitted by CrepuscularRays_ to UnsentLetters [link] [comments]
I said I missed you⊠you never said it back. You reacted with ignorance, feigned annoyance. But you stayed up with me to talk about nonsense until the sun began to rise. Until the birds outside started to sing.
Maybe you donât miss me at all⊠maybe you just donât know how to express yourself, afraid to be vulnerable⊠but youâre always going to be there for me⊠and thatâs my problem.
Because⊠why? We were really just friends? You speak to your other friends like you speak to me? I know that you donât.
Youâre not going anywhere, you havenât even moved an inch when I came back to checkâŠbut you wonât even tell me where you stand or why youâre even standing there?
And why do you leave the door so open for me when Iâve told you twice that I needed you to close it?
Do you find this funny? Are you seeing how many times Iâll give in before I give up? Is my desperation entertaining? Do I boost your ego? Do I mean anything more to you?
I felt like you cared about me⊠a lot⊠but if you really cared about me why do you tell me this but wonât tell me that? Why do you this but wonât do that? I guess Iâm selfish for wanting more⊠we weâre only friends, after all.
Youâve helped me with so much and I am immensely grateful for you but youâre hurting me with your sustained olive branch of kindness despite my wishes⊠or maybe Iâm hurting myself⊠itâs constantly making me want to break this self-imposed no contact again.
⊠I know that if I came back youâd just talk to me about whatever and make me laugh for hours for the umpteenth time. Youâd probably start glazing me again too lmao, I guess I kind of miss that even though I donât really deserve any of your nice words. You made me feel like I could do anything⊠but I digress.
I just wish I could love myself more than I yearn for yours unspoken.
And⊠well anyway, I always hope youâre doing well... I miss you.
2024.05.18 21:34 Pristine_Ad_4173 Most Wannabe Influencers
Ankita Mishra and Rishab Jolly seem to go by simple strategy to attract aspiring students who would like to study in the US as part of their followers. Neither their content has much relevance, nor it has any depth and is rather based on their self obsession with oneself. Where Ankita keeps telling the same old generational immigrant story which is apparently the story of every immigrant who has made it anywhere, and there seems to be nothings thatâs different in her story as compared to some whoâs actually escaping harsh lives in their country. While she may be a brown girl who is lucky to work in tech, thanks to these irrelevant Pm/ TPM roles. Not sure she would actually have a tech job to apply real brain. Itâs so funny to see her talk about career where her first job was handed over to her at grace hopper( read 4 day extravaganza). Also hilarious to see Ankita being so delusional and trying to act cool to mention her new house in east side ( the most posh ) where itâs clearly in Renton ( South ). Someone needs to get their directions sorted.
Jolly on the other hand canât get over the fact that heâs a Punjabi guy in a land of non Punjabi Desi immigrants just few miles south of the Surrey border ( aka urban Punjab). He seems to act so informed, talks about reading books and acting intellectual and product management in their baseless podcast and instagram reels whereas all Desis in the US know they have done nothing different. They chose to record their lives while I thers keep it private.
So funny to see these people talking about career and making it big in the US, whereas Ankitaâs career is just a copy paste of his senior Jolly who have been doing the same job for years, and have the same exact career trajectory.
This llustrates the fact that they get on the bandwagon of content creation where the main ingredient is still lacking - CONTENT
submitted by Pristine_Ad_4173 to SeattleDesiInfluencer [link] [comments]
Jolly on the other hand canât get over the fact that heâs a Punjabi guy in a land of non Punjabi Desi immigrants just few miles south of the Surrey border ( aka urban Punjab). He seems to act so informed, talks about reading books and acting intellectual and product management in their baseless podcast and instagram reels whereas all Desis in the US know they have done nothing different. They chose to record their lives while I thers keep it private.
So funny to see these people talking about career and making it big in the US, whereas Ankitaâs career is just a copy paste of his senior Jolly who have been doing the same job for years, and have the same exact career trajectory.
This llustrates the fact that they get on the bandwagon of content creation where the main ingredient is still lacking - CONTENT
2024.05.18 21:29 v0ltairehair Films about their own construction
 | Inspired by some of the recent Megalopolis discourse/the buzz that the film itself is Coppola's self-allegory...anyone have any good recommendations to add to this list (currently in its infancy)? submitted by v0ltairehair to Letterboxd [link] [comments] Looking for films (narrative or documentary) that are not merely self-reflexive or self-referential (e.g., fourth-wall breaking), but also textually ABOUT the film itself coming into being. Lots of documentaries could necessarily fall into this category so I'm trying to curate those that are especially unique in this regard. I find it interesting that this theme spans across genres and low/high mimesis. https://preview.redd.it/ml8e4io2l81d1.png?width=988&format=png&auto=webp&s=277b576b5bdc0cd2b603160e2e358547065abf85 |
2024.05.18 21:27 Bbobsillypants Nature of Big Donuts 6 - a Stargate x NOP crossover fic - Fear
[FIRST][LAST]
Atlantis Commission
Officer Report - Lieutenant Colonel John Shepard
CLEARANCE LEVEL 5
Well this had definitely been a very interesting couple of hours. This dimension and its people had very odd opinions and ideas. Apparently the prey species of this dimension were all obligate cowards, whose instincts compelled them to be non-violent and run from threats. At least according to themselves. There were apparently some of them who were âpredator diseasedâ as they called it, a disease which often resulted in increased violence, aggression, lack of empathy, and unheard like behavior. It sounded to me like some form of infectious psychopathy, but the venlil assured us it shouldn't affect us since we were predators, which didnât really ease my fears, but hopefully it was something we could figure out when we got home if it ever became a problem.
Gotta love mandatory quarantine periods woo hoo!
As scary as this odd disease sounded, my main concern at the moment was to try and turn a professed coward into someone who could at the very least defend themselves.
I looked down to the table of gear ahead of me and then over to the mostly naked Venlil to my side, and then even farther to Tielâc who thought It would be a good idea to help oversee Farvaâs rapid fire training course. I fiddled with the bluetooth earpiece which was rigged up to one of our handhelds to run a translation program to speak directly with the captain. A big step up from our unknowingly one sided communications earlier.
I stepped on the other side of the plastic table and placed my hands down upon it and looked on at my new student..
âWelcome Captain Farva to our very impromptu accelerated course on Human arms armor and basic infantry tactics.â I said gesturing to the hodge podge gear we had managed to assemble for the good captain. âAre we ready to begin?â.
She flicked her ears, somewhat nervously by the looks.
âIâd take it that's a yes then?â
âOh yes sorryâ
âAlright then, well given that most of our crew is human and the only other alien struts around naked all the time, the only gear we have on hand is for humans, So you're going to be running size smalls and it's all going to fit all a bit bigâ I say as I toss her the tactical vest. âHere try this on, we can try to tighten it up if it's a bit loose anywhereâ. The captain wrestles with the buckles a bit, and Teal'c helps her tighten up some of the top straps, as the Venilâs shoulders weren't as broad as humans. Farva gave Tealâc an odd look, but seemed appreciative none the less.Once finished, she grasped the vest in her paws with interest. âThis armor seems quite lightweight, which is nice, weight is often an issue that causes us to forgo armor, since heavy armor would hurt our running ability.â Farva remarks. âAlso the sheer amount of pockets seems quite excessive, what do you need all these for?â
âWell for starters it's currently missing these '' I hand Farva one of the armor plates which she looks over. âThat is a depleted Naquadria ceramic composite plate. Itâs designed to stop bullet impacts and dissipate energy weapon blasts. It slots into that chest compartment in the front and back of your armor.â
âThis isn't quite what Id imagine for the armor of your kindâ
âWhat do you mean?â I asked.
âWell judging by your ships I would have imagined you would put more emphasis on defense Your predatory nature would make you less likely to run away from conflict allowing for more encompassing armor to cover more than just your chest, since you have less need to run.â
She would put it like that.
âWell there are a number of reasons for that, a lot to do with those excess pockets you mentioned. For starters you will not be carrying the same amount of gear that the standard infantry unit would normally be carrying, we are preparing you for a quick in and out op. Normally us expedition teams need to be deployed into unknown territory for extended periods of time, we need to carry everything we might need with us from food, bullets, weapons, to comms gear, sensors, repelling equipment etc. The weight from all that gear adds up fast; In order to stay sufficiently mobile and combat effective; we only carry enough armor to protect our vitals, head and torso, anything else can hopefully be patched up by a field medic.â
Tielc gave his piece as well. âIt is important to know when to run both towards and aways from one's foes, not every battle can be won through strength alone, but by strategy and cunning. Being able to reposition oneself quickly is therefore highly advantageousâ
Farva seemed to freeze at Teal'c's statement, not out of fear I think, she instead had a distant look in her eye. To snap her out of her slump I handed her a standard ballistic helmet.
Seeming to get the idea she looked at it oddly and tried it on. It confirmed to her head shape decently well but depressed her ears to either side of her head, kind of resembling what one might imagine a sad bunny rabbit to look like âI don't think this will be something I can bring with meâ she said â I can't use ear signals and this will muffle my hearing.â
âWhy donât you keep it on for the time being, I think any extra hearing protection might be useful considering what we are about to try next.â I hand Farva some ballistic ear protectors, slightly modified and somewhat ramshackle. âOne of the corporals worked closely with Nurse Fila to get an idea for safe decibels levels for your kind, we were also able to get these earbuds molded to fit into your ear canal betterâ
Farva took them and slipped them in. âThese are a bit uncomfortable, what do I need these for?â
âYou'll need them for thisâ I say as I unsnap the clasps on the weapons case revealing its contents.
The content seems to capture Farvaâs interest, getting a slight tail wave.
âOkay So this here is a p90, It carries a 50 round top loading magazine of teflon coated armor piercing ordnance. With a cyclical rate of fire of 900 rounds per minute.â
Farvas ears perk up at this. âThis seems like an efficient design, I take it these are a flashlight and laser sight for accuracy?â She asked, pointing to the top of the weapon.
âYes we also have holographic and acog optics which will help line up targets from farther away.â I look on as Farva picks up the weapon and inspects it, testing the weight as I note that it will weigh a fair bit more once loaded. But she doesn't seem to be struggling with the weight. I can't help but notice good firearm safety as well, she keeps her finger well off the trigger and takes care to keep her weapon pointed aways from anyone else.
âThis seems like a solid design but I'm not sure how useful those weapon optics would be, as they are not designed for my side facing eyesâ
âI'm sure our master at arms can figure something out, why don't we give it a test fire first tho, before we send it off to make adjustments.â I instruct her on how to load the weapon and turn the safety off. I warn her of the sound it makes. And while definitely taken aback by the recoil and sound at first, she quickly gets the hang of it, she has some respectable shot groupings in both single fire and in short bursts. And keeps the rounds reasonably centered while firing in full auto.
She did a whole lot better than I would have initially suspected given her performance in the hanger bay a day before.
âThe rate of fire seems usefulâ Farva spoke âThis would be useful for our soldiers, our accuracy falters when we are panicked, and the increased shot count should guarantee some hits based on volume of fire aloneâ she finished with a dejected expression.
She quickly places the weapon back in its case, as if it burned to touch.â I don't know if I should be armed for this mission, at least not with that weapon, I don't want to miss and hit one of you in the back!â
âWhat? Nonsense, you are a great shot, and this is just a precaution in case we get separated or flanked and need some covering fire. If our guys are doing their job right you shouldn't need to fire a single round anyways.â
Captain Farvaâs breathing started to hasten, earlier I might have thought it was fear, but I was starting to get an idea of what the captain's issues were. Iâve seen this before.
âI.. I canât be trusted with this responsibility, every time I am left in charge of something, every time people put their lives in my paws I ....â
âFarva, donât you start with me now you hear.â I said sternly, swiftly capping off her inevitable spiral of self doubt.
âBut.. no.. you donât understandâ
Stopping her again I spoke. âBut nothing, what happened before on that ship, and back at that colony is in the past. I donât know your whole situation, but from what I have gathered from the crew It was nothing good. You feel responsible and it's eating away at you, and frankly it doesnât matter if that's true or not. Accidents happen, people make mistakes, and when that happens we need to learn, take those lessons to heart, and don't let it stop us from helping people in the present. If you let guilt, or fear of mistakes stop you, then bad guys have already won, all without having to have fired a shotâ
Farva is quiet for a short time, I was hoping I got through to her, I'm not the best and pep talks and this certainly wasnât your typical weapons demo, if only everyones could go as smoothly as Ronanâs.
Farva spoke quietly, arms pressed up against her chest, she looked so sad, defeated, and small. Well more than usual anyways. âWe can't be strong like you humans, we are too emotional and when we are scared we run away or we lock up and...â
âAnd that is clearly not the case with you captain Farvaâ Tealâc finally reentered the conversation having heard enough. âYou have shown courage with every action you have taken so far, your actions have saved the lives of many of your crew, every time you have been threatened you acted not just to protect yourself but others as well. You attempted to contend with beings many times your size without even thinking about it, all in the effort to protect others, and this is only in the time we have known you, this speaks nothing of your actions over the colony. You are a warrior of admirable courage Captain Farva, your self doubt is unearned.â
A single tear rolled down Farvaâs eyes which she quickly wiped away. âThat was very nice of you to say, but I'm not brave like you say, I was terrified out of my mind the whole time.â
Tealâc looked puzzled. âI did not call you brave, I said you were courageous.â
Farva shot back with the little venlil one up one down ear flick I had very quickly learned was confusion.â I'm confused you just said brave twiceâ
âHmm it appears your language does not contain the word I am using, I apologize I am not used to speaking through a translatorâ Tealâc relented â There are two words I am using admittedly in slightly different forms, bravery and courage. Bravery or to be brave is to lack fear, to not be afraid to begin with. Courage tho, Is a trait far more admirable. Courage is to be afraid, to have fear, to worry about one's own mortality and personal safety. It is to acknowledge risk, danger, to feel fear, but to act in spite of it.â
âHad I not met your kind before I would have thought predators don't feel fear.â
âEveryone fears feel Farva, It is how we overcome it that determines our worth as warriorsâ
Tealâc picks up the p90 and returns it to Farvas hands.
âYour people need a warrior Farva, a warrior who protects the innocent and guides the lost to safety. You have shown how collected you can be in the heat of battle, You have already proven your worth in our eyes Farva, now you must do the same in your own. The greatest enemy lies not withoutâ Tealâc places his hand firmly on the venlilâs chest âBut withinâ.
After Action Report - Venlil Colonial Defense Force
Subject : Chief Engineer Donu
I fiddled with my holopad, Its small surface area proving to be a consistent source of annoyance in my current endeavor. Gone was the large workspace afforded to me by my holotable back in my office. Instead I had to work with the scaled down portable holotablet I was just fortunate enough to have strapped to my person when I was beamed away from our last ship. I was stuck with its smaller keyboard and slower rendering speeds.
An annoyed smooth skin alien looked over my shoulder at my device, attached to it was a jury rigged fiber optic cable, slotted into a terran silicon to crystal patch cable, which would convert the electrical signals broadcasted by my tablet into a bandwidth that the terrans crystalline based computers; which they used for highly complex tasks like hyperdrive and transporter systems; could use, and then It was patched again in a even stranger connector to patch into the odd asgard computer stones.
All in all it looked like someone tried to plug a regular computer into some crystal construct like you would find in a fantasy holonovel, and again plugged that into a harchen heat rock sauna lounge. Finally branching out from this conglomeration was a simple copper based wire that connects to a computer terminal at which currently sat the late Doctor Rodney Mckay. A title upon initially hearing led me to believe he was a medical doctor, which led to a flurry of medical questions that he had absolutely no means of answering.
While this odd alien nomenclature was interesting, what intrigued me more was his actual area of expertise, theoretical astrophysics, as well as a number of other diverse specialties and fields. Not to mention not only was he a great scientist who had he been raised in the more civilized portion of this galaxy, would have knowledge and aptitude that would put him alongside some of Aafas greatest minds, but he was also an engineer without peer, at least in this galaxy. His interactions with general Samantha Carter hinted at her possibly being his match if not more. For a species that was supposed to glorify violence the decision to have a scientist be arguably the most senior member of what was by their admission a military vessel spoke to their commitment to knowledge and understanding, a very noble prey-like goal.
I looked warily at the lines of code at my screen, the asguard translation program had earlier scanned our ship and was able to parse written languages, but complex files, like images and 3d design schematics were harder to encode and decode from our perspective systems. As is stands we have 3 completely separate computer architectures, the asguard can talk to human computers and the venlil computers can talk to the asguard computers, It sounds like we would have everything we need to get a human C.A.D schematic into a venlil holotablet right? Wrong! And you're stupid for entertaining such a idiotic notion! Parsing text from raw binary is relatively straight forward, you're just looking for patterns, repeating bit combinations that might infer letters and then iterating them over millions of times looking for patterns, letters, words, and then with a bit of help from some undecoded analog audio transmission, spoken language. This is a far cry from actual procedural communication protocols,the ones that allow for file transfers, exactly what we needed if we were to get Rodney's redesigned part schematics into a format and medium that can be plugged into a suitable fabricator. Assuming one still exists, which I can reasonably assume it does.
Speaking of which, I have just made something of a breakthrough. For upon my screen appears a simple geometric hydrogen cube, weâre talking vertices, planes, material data, everything we need for a usable design file.
I let out an excited pent up yip, the culmination of hours of frustrating software integration work. Unfortunately I startled Rodney, who lets out a panicked gasp and clutches his chest pelts with one of his paws.
âOh godâŠ..â He gasps, pointing at me âPlease.. donât do thatâ
âSorry!â I say a bit meekly. I slowly approach him so as to not make him unnecessarily uncomfortable and show him my work.
âI got the file exchange set up, all we need from you is to finish any modifications to your part, upload them to my holopad, and then we can print away at any class 3 or above fabricator we can scrounge up on Brayga colony.â
âOk.. um.. got it, I'm almost done iâm just you knowâ He points a lone grasping appendage at his screen,âRunning some simulations, making sure everything is up to spec.â keeping his response kurt. âSorry for freaking out there.â
I nod my head in the human display of affirmation and return to my workstation to further bug check my work, to test potentially problematic edge cases for when he finishes. Tho Rodney's continued odd behavior intruded on my thoughts.
I should have felt empowered, being able to intimidate this âmassive beastâ, but I didn't. I didn't like being feared, his people have been nice to me, Rodney himself courteous to a fault and desperate for positive attention.
I thought I could expect predators to be fearless but that clearly wasn't the case, rodney was fearful, nervous, had I not known better I would say defective, and while it annoyed his crew, they didn't berate him for it, or attempt to assert dominance, they encouraged it even with placating words and tried to help him through it, they encouraged and supported him like a proper herd, even if sometimes it took the form of what the human would call a playful ribbing. I supposed I could help him as well.
I approached him again, careful to make my approach known to him, making sure to approach from within his limited field of vision. He looks up at me with a wide eyed glare, had I not known him I might have assumed it was hunger, but I did and knew it to be concern.
âUh high Donu.. um whats up?â
âWhy are you afraid of us rodney?â
âWa-What, me afraid?â he gives out a panicked laugh âuh no no, I'm not afraid, you know just a bit weirded out I'm just getting used to you all, it's not a fear thing it's a aâŠ. Just getting used to new aliens thing, ask Hermirod we went through this whole song and dance right buddyâ
Hermirod furrowed his brow and gave an irritated sigh from across the room.
I reached out to take Rodney by the paw.
His whole body flinched at my mere touch, I quickly withdrew my paw.
âOh.. um.. I didn'tâŠâ
âRodney! It's okay, your crew doesnât seem to care when you show fear, and neither do I. Why are you afraid of us? You are almost twice our size and surely double our strength, most venlil would scream and run in terror at the mere sight of you. What's wrong?â
Rodney let out a sigh. âOh its, we don't have to talk about this, I can deal with this, I deal with scary situations all the time, it's fine, I'll be fine.â
âRodney, my people are a very emotional, empathic people, we are open with our feelings and with our fear, and the fear of the one can affect the herd, please let me help you. I donât know what to expect from your society but I promise I wont judge you for your fear or emotions, I mean look at many of my crew mates, we are no one to judgeâ
Rodney shot back âYou didn't seem to be so botheredâ
âIâm too old to care, I was about to retire, hell I was about to die as far as I knew, Brayga colony was supposed to be a quiet place to lay back, work on some hobbies, plant a garden and pester the young men of my colony until I either dropped dead of boredom or got luckyâ I joked.
That seemed to raise Rodney's mood somewhat. He sighed and seemingly relented.
âItâs⊠a dumb story, I don't even know why it affected me so much, I come from a place on earth called Canada, people don't usually believe me when I say I am from there, us Canadians are notoriously friendly and I guess I havenât exactly filled that mold for a lot of my life, but hey I'm working on it, people like me, I have lots of friends back at Atlantisâ He says the last sentence in a way as if it isn't me he's trying to convince.
âI'm sure you do, Rodney, You seem like quite the charming individual when you're not cowering!â
âHa ha thanks, maybe you could come and visit sometime. Tell that to doctor Becket, really nice guy, smart man, he would love to meet you, he loves investigating new species. But back on topic, oh boy, so me and my sister Jeannie were on a family trip to rural Vancouver to visit my grandpa's farm, he kept a lot of goats, not for eating or anything, they were essentially pets that he would use for milkâ
âWait hold on? You drink milk from other animals! Do your females not produce enough milk for their young?â
âOh um no, we just sort of drink it or ferment it into cheese!â
âFerment? You mean spoil?
âYehâ
I reeled from this plasma blast of a statement, I like any right minded venlil had a number of nightmares about being an arxurâs cattle before, especially when I first learned about those things in primary school, but never once had it crossed my mind that we could be used for something so weird. What the speh was I supposed to do with that information?
âMaybe you should get back on topicâ
âYeh sorry about that uh.. Anyways the momma goat had just had a litter of babies, and their real cute when their little, so late in the day when my grandpa was asleep we snuck out to the pens so we can play with the little baby goats, our grandpa told us not to but you now how kids are.â
At this I think back to a young Nyan, as I teach him the inner working of the hyperdrive, I tell him heâs not cleared yet to operate in this engine compartment alone, but I could tell from the occasional caught black hairs and dropped writing implements, there had been a number of curious unauthorized expeditions into its inner workings, he didn't really listen either.
âMy sister as always was trying to be the voice of reason, wanting to take it slow. If I was paying attention I might have noticed the angry moma goat who didnât appreciate the strange human messing with her children.â
The color seemed to drain from his face.
âI uhâŠâ He began to stutter again âI screamed, a lot, it was rather undignified, she ran right at me, thank god it wasn't a male goat, one with horns, I tired to run but I was hit in the back and knocked over and kicked real good in the head, like wake up in the vet clinic a quarter mile down the road kind of badâ
âThis goat was a prey animal?â
âThat would be what your kind focuses onâ
âOh sorryâ
âAnyways It seems dumb but I have just never been good with animals since then, especially ones that look like you; no offense; I'm getting better but when I first saw you guys in the hangar bay, I was just that dumb kid again, getting in way over my head, scared for my life. I guess there is something to be said about childhood trauma. I really should be over this, I'm getting better with it I swear itâs justâ
I take his paw again, he doesn't flinch this time.
âI'm a venlil, a prey animal, I know fear, I know what it is to live in fear, It rattles your brain, it turns your paws to wet grains. It takes great strength to overcome it, to push it aside just long enough to protect the herd. Your herd relies on you Rodney and you are doing a great job in spite of your fear, in spite of having to work with those you fear. You have achieved intellectual feats that rival the greatest minds of the federation and all that while struggling with a traumatic experience. Fear isnât dumb and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling it.â
âThank youâ Rodney says âThat means a lot, I won't be like forever I promise, I just need some time.â
âWe will laugh about this someday,â I assured. âNothing as big and intelligent as you should be afraid of anythingâ
âAre you calling me fat?â Rodney exclaimed with fake offense.
We both chuckled.
My kind words had resulted in a more upright posture, and a more cheerful demeanor from the human, almost like when I congratulated Nyan on his work, and it got me a look at that happy snarl of his, that I was starting to grow quite fond of.
After Action Report - Venlil Colonial Defense Force
Subject : Apprentice Engineer Nyan
Oh wow! I get to write a report for this mission! I never get to write reports, Donu says they're too boring, but thereâs so many interesting things going on all the time. Sometimes I sneakily write my own! Just for fun of course, nobody sees them, which is probably for the best as I sometimes get excited and embellish them slightly. One of the reports I wrote was about the time Donu used nothing but a wad of electrical tape, a bottle of high grain venlil alcohol and a pocket knife to repair a venlil medical ship just in time to get out of the way of a big scary space predator, with glowing red eyes and a million tentacles!
Anyways Im not sure If im suppose to write these In present tense first person or past tense. I asked the captain and she said it's whatever so long as I make sure any pertinent dialogues are properly quoted(ââ).
âNobody usually reads these things anyways.â She said, but this one is surely going to be so exciting, who could look away!
I mean who's gonna scoff at a chance to read about friendly predators from another dimension! A dimension of friendly predators who give warm head scratches and hand out yummy strayu not strayu treats called donuts, that are somehow fluffier than strayu, and have a nice moisture to them. I asked for the recipe but Samantha said we wouldn't have the ingredients back on Venili prime to make them, and Teal'c said the recipe is an old family secret. Its weird predators would be so protective of their plant snacks.
There are so many weird things about these predators, they have nurturing instincts that make them find us cute. They stay perfectly balanced even if they donât have tails, swinging their arms and body all over the place to keep upright like a lopsided gyroscope, it's pretty funny looking!
They also wear artificial pelts all the time, which I thought was weird, I thought maybe the ships temperature was set by the angry gray alien since heâs the only crew member beside the venlil who walks around naked all the time, maybe he had a fit when it was to warm, and the humans obliged him cause they were worried they would make him even angrier, and wore clothes to make up for the cold. I thought this made sense, a lot of their technology does seem to come from the Asguard, maybe he has more say in the goings on of the ship because of that. But apparently humans just like wearing pelts all the time. They feel uncomfortable without them and donât like it if you try to remove them or look up their upper artificial pelts they call shirts.
The humans are so weird, I donât even have to embellish my reports to make it more interesting. Like that time with the big tentacled space predator. That may sound real compared to this stuff but it Isn't, Ha! I bet you fell for it at first, hook line and sinker! Like the humans would say. I think I used that saying right, I'm not sure what it means, but Shepard brought it up when he was telling a story about the wraith.
The humans are so nice, instead of exterminating their predators they try to cure them! Their doctors are working to modify the wraith so they don't have to eat humans anymore, so they can be friendly predators too.
Anyways I should probably get to the actual report part of this report. Farva says I should start after I went off with Samantha to work on some special astrophysics equations she said I would be good at. I kind of wanted to go with Donu to help Rodney get the new parts they needed, or Farva to help rescue our people, but the humans and even the angry gray alien got really weird when Farva mentioned taking me on the mission. Samantha seemed to want me to help her really badly so I didnât mind. Samantha says I have the most important part to our mission. She's teaching me about how humans communicate through subspace, and about stellar drift equations. We are working on what she calls the exit strategy.
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Atlantis Commission
Officer Report - Lieutenant Colonel John Shepard
CLEARANCE LEVEL 5
Well this had definitely been a very interesting couple of hours. This dimension and its people had very odd opinions and ideas. Apparently the prey species of this dimension were all obligate cowards, whose instincts compelled them to be non-violent and run from threats. At least according to themselves. There were apparently some of them who were âpredator diseasedâ as they called it, a disease which often resulted in increased violence, aggression, lack of empathy, and unheard like behavior. It sounded to me like some form of infectious psychopathy, but the venlil assured us it shouldn't affect us since we were predators, which didnât really ease my fears, but hopefully it was something we could figure out when we got home if it ever became a problem.
Gotta love mandatory quarantine periods woo hoo!
As scary as this odd disease sounded, my main concern at the moment was to try and turn a professed coward into someone who could at the very least defend themselves.
I looked down to the table of gear ahead of me and then over to the mostly naked Venlil to my side, and then even farther to Tielâc who thought It would be a good idea to help oversee Farvaâs rapid fire training course. I fiddled with the bluetooth earpiece which was rigged up to one of our handhelds to run a translation program to speak directly with the captain. A big step up from our unknowingly one sided communications earlier.
I stepped on the other side of the plastic table and placed my hands down upon it and looked on at my new student..
âWelcome Captain Farva to our very impromptu accelerated course on Human arms armor and basic infantry tactics.â I said gesturing to the hodge podge gear we had managed to assemble for the good captain. âAre we ready to begin?â.
She flicked her ears, somewhat nervously by the looks.
âIâd take it that's a yes then?â
âOh yes sorryâ
âAlright then, well given that most of our crew is human and the only other alien struts around naked all the time, the only gear we have on hand is for humans, So you're going to be running size smalls and it's all going to fit all a bit bigâ I say as I toss her the tactical vest. âHere try this on, we can try to tighten it up if it's a bit loose anywhereâ. The captain wrestles with the buckles a bit, and Teal'c helps her tighten up some of the top straps, as the Venilâs shoulders weren't as broad as humans. Farva gave Tealâc an odd look, but seemed appreciative none the less.Once finished, she grasped the vest in her paws with interest. âThis armor seems quite lightweight, which is nice, weight is often an issue that causes us to forgo armor, since heavy armor would hurt our running ability.â Farva remarks. âAlso the sheer amount of pockets seems quite excessive, what do you need all these for?â
âWell for starters it's currently missing these '' I hand Farva one of the armor plates which she looks over. âThat is a depleted Naquadria ceramic composite plate. Itâs designed to stop bullet impacts and dissipate energy weapon blasts. It slots into that chest compartment in the front and back of your armor.â
âThis isn't quite what Id imagine for the armor of your kindâ
âWhat do you mean?â I asked.
âWell judging by your ships I would have imagined you would put more emphasis on defense Your predatory nature would make you less likely to run away from conflict allowing for more encompassing armor to cover more than just your chest, since you have less need to run.â
She would put it like that.
âWell there are a number of reasons for that, a lot to do with those excess pockets you mentioned. For starters you will not be carrying the same amount of gear that the standard infantry unit would normally be carrying, we are preparing you for a quick in and out op. Normally us expedition teams need to be deployed into unknown territory for extended periods of time, we need to carry everything we might need with us from food, bullets, weapons, to comms gear, sensors, repelling equipment etc. The weight from all that gear adds up fast; In order to stay sufficiently mobile and combat effective; we only carry enough armor to protect our vitals, head and torso, anything else can hopefully be patched up by a field medic.â
Tielc gave his piece as well. âIt is important to know when to run both towards and aways from one's foes, not every battle can be won through strength alone, but by strategy and cunning. Being able to reposition oneself quickly is therefore highly advantageousâ
Farva seemed to freeze at Teal'c's statement, not out of fear I think, she instead had a distant look in her eye. To snap her out of her slump I handed her a standard ballistic helmet.
Seeming to get the idea she looked at it oddly and tried it on. It confirmed to her head shape decently well but depressed her ears to either side of her head, kind of resembling what one might imagine a sad bunny rabbit to look like âI don't think this will be something I can bring with meâ she said â I can't use ear signals and this will muffle my hearing.â
âWhy donât you keep it on for the time being, I think any extra hearing protection might be useful considering what we are about to try next.â I hand Farva some ballistic ear protectors, slightly modified and somewhat ramshackle. âOne of the corporals worked closely with Nurse Fila to get an idea for safe decibels levels for your kind, we were also able to get these earbuds molded to fit into your ear canal betterâ
Farva took them and slipped them in. âThese are a bit uncomfortable, what do I need these for?â
âYou'll need them for thisâ I say as I unsnap the clasps on the weapons case revealing its contents.
The content seems to capture Farvaâs interest, getting a slight tail wave.
âOkay So this here is a p90, It carries a 50 round top loading magazine of teflon coated armor piercing ordnance. With a cyclical rate of fire of 900 rounds per minute.â
Farvas ears perk up at this. âThis seems like an efficient design, I take it these are a flashlight and laser sight for accuracy?â She asked, pointing to the top of the weapon.
âYes we also have holographic and acog optics which will help line up targets from farther away.â I look on as Farva picks up the weapon and inspects it, testing the weight as I note that it will weigh a fair bit more once loaded. But she doesn't seem to be struggling with the weight. I can't help but notice good firearm safety as well, she keeps her finger well off the trigger and takes care to keep her weapon pointed aways from anyone else.
âThis seems like a solid design but I'm not sure how useful those weapon optics would be, as they are not designed for my side facing eyesâ
âI'm sure our master at arms can figure something out, why don't we give it a test fire first tho, before we send it off to make adjustments.â I instruct her on how to load the weapon and turn the safety off. I warn her of the sound it makes. And while definitely taken aback by the recoil and sound at first, she quickly gets the hang of it, she has some respectable shot groupings in both single fire and in short bursts. And keeps the rounds reasonably centered while firing in full auto.
She did a whole lot better than I would have initially suspected given her performance in the hanger bay a day before.
âThe rate of fire seems usefulâ Farva spoke âThis would be useful for our soldiers, our accuracy falters when we are panicked, and the increased shot count should guarantee some hits based on volume of fire aloneâ she finished with a dejected expression.
She quickly places the weapon back in its case, as if it burned to touch.â I don't know if I should be armed for this mission, at least not with that weapon, I don't want to miss and hit one of you in the back!â
âWhat? Nonsense, you are a great shot, and this is just a precaution in case we get separated or flanked and need some covering fire. If our guys are doing their job right you shouldn't need to fire a single round anyways.â
Captain Farvaâs breathing started to hasten, earlier I might have thought it was fear, but I was starting to get an idea of what the captain's issues were. Iâve seen this before.
âI.. I canât be trusted with this responsibility, every time I am left in charge of something, every time people put their lives in my paws I ....â
âFarva, donât you start with me now you hear.â I said sternly, swiftly capping off her inevitable spiral of self doubt.
âBut.. no.. you donât understandâ
Stopping her again I spoke. âBut nothing, what happened before on that ship, and back at that colony is in the past. I donât know your whole situation, but from what I have gathered from the crew It was nothing good. You feel responsible and it's eating away at you, and frankly it doesnât matter if that's true or not. Accidents happen, people make mistakes, and when that happens we need to learn, take those lessons to heart, and don't let it stop us from helping people in the present. If you let guilt, or fear of mistakes stop you, then bad guys have already won, all without having to have fired a shotâ
Farva is quiet for a short time, I was hoping I got through to her, I'm not the best and pep talks and this certainly wasnât your typical weapons demo, if only everyones could go as smoothly as Ronanâs.
Farva spoke quietly, arms pressed up against her chest, she looked so sad, defeated, and small. Well more than usual anyways. âWe can't be strong like you humans, we are too emotional and when we are scared we run away or we lock up and...â
âAnd that is clearly not the case with you captain Farvaâ Tealâc finally reentered the conversation having heard enough. âYou have shown courage with every action you have taken so far, your actions have saved the lives of many of your crew, every time you have been threatened you acted not just to protect yourself but others as well. You attempted to contend with beings many times your size without even thinking about it, all in the effort to protect others, and this is only in the time we have known you, this speaks nothing of your actions over the colony. You are a warrior of admirable courage Captain Farva, your self doubt is unearned.â
A single tear rolled down Farvaâs eyes which she quickly wiped away. âThat was very nice of you to say, but I'm not brave like you say, I was terrified out of my mind the whole time.â
Tealâc looked puzzled. âI did not call you brave, I said you were courageous.â
Farva shot back with the little venlil one up one down ear flick I had very quickly learned was confusion.â I'm confused you just said brave twiceâ
âHmm it appears your language does not contain the word I am using, I apologize I am not used to speaking through a translatorâ Tealâc relented â There are two words I am using admittedly in slightly different forms, bravery and courage. Bravery or to be brave is to lack fear, to not be afraid to begin with. Courage tho, Is a trait far more admirable. Courage is to be afraid, to have fear, to worry about one's own mortality and personal safety. It is to acknowledge risk, danger, to feel fear, but to act in spite of it.â
âHad I not met your kind before I would have thought predators don't feel fear.â
âEveryone fears feel Farva, It is how we overcome it that determines our worth as warriorsâ
Tealâc picks up the p90 and returns it to Farvas hands.
âYour people need a warrior Farva, a warrior who protects the innocent and guides the lost to safety. You have shown how collected you can be in the heat of battle, You have already proven your worth in our eyes Farva, now you must do the same in your own. The greatest enemy lies not withoutâ Tealâc places his hand firmly on the venlilâs chest âBut withinâ.
After Action Report - Venlil Colonial Defense Force
Subject : Chief Engineer Donu
I fiddled with my holopad, Its small surface area proving to be a consistent source of annoyance in my current endeavor. Gone was the large workspace afforded to me by my holotable back in my office. Instead I had to work with the scaled down portable holotablet I was just fortunate enough to have strapped to my person when I was beamed away from our last ship. I was stuck with its smaller keyboard and slower rendering speeds.
An annoyed smooth skin alien looked over my shoulder at my device, attached to it was a jury rigged fiber optic cable, slotted into a terran silicon to crystal patch cable, which would convert the electrical signals broadcasted by my tablet into a bandwidth that the terrans crystalline based computers; which they used for highly complex tasks like hyperdrive and transporter systems; could use, and then It was patched again in a even stranger connector to patch into the odd asgard computer stones.
All in all it looked like someone tried to plug a regular computer into some crystal construct like you would find in a fantasy holonovel, and again plugged that into a harchen heat rock sauna lounge. Finally branching out from this conglomeration was a simple copper based wire that connects to a computer terminal at which currently sat the late Doctor Rodney Mckay. A title upon initially hearing led me to believe he was a medical doctor, which led to a flurry of medical questions that he had absolutely no means of answering.
While this odd alien nomenclature was interesting, what intrigued me more was his actual area of expertise, theoretical astrophysics, as well as a number of other diverse specialties and fields. Not to mention not only was he a great scientist who had he been raised in the more civilized portion of this galaxy, would have knowledge and aptitude that would put him alongside some of Aafas greatest minds, but he was also an engineer without peer, at least in this galaxy. His interactions with general Samantha Carter hinted at her possibly being his match if not more. For a species that was supposed to glorify violence the decision to have a scientist be arguably the most senior member of what was by their admission a military vessel spoke to their commitment to knowledge and understanding, a very noble prey-like goal.
I looked warily at the lines of code at my screen, the asguard translation program had earlier scanned our ship and was able to parse written languages, but complex files, like images and 3d design schematics were harder to encode and decode from our perspective systems. As is stands we have 3 completely separate computer architectures, the asguard can talk to human computers and the venlil computers can talk to the asguard computers, It sounds like we would have everything we need to get a human C.A.D schematic into a venlil holotablet right? Wrong! And you're stupid for entertaining such a idiotic notion! Parsing text from raw binary is relatively straight forward, you're just looking for patterns, repeating bit combinations that might infer letters and then iterating them over millions of times looking for patterns, letters, words, and then with a bit of help from some undecoded analog audio transmission, spoken language. This is a far cry from actual procedural communication protocols,the ones that allow for file transfers, exactly what we needed if we were to get Rodney's redesigned part schematics into a format and medium that can be plugged into a suitable fabricator. Assuming one still exists, which I can reasonably assume it does.
Speaking of which, I have just made something of a breakthrough. For upon my screen appears a simple geometric hydrogen cube, weâre talking vertices, planes, material data, everything we need for a usable design file.
I let out an excited pent up yip, the culmination of hours of frustrating software integration work. Unfortunately I startled Rodney, who lets out a panicked gasp and clutches his chest pelts with one of his paws.
âOh godâŠ..â He gasps, pointing at me âPlease.. donât do thatâ
âSorry!â I say a bit meekly. I slowly approach him so as to not make him unnecessarily uncomfortable and show him my work.
âI got the file exchange set up, all we need from you is to finish any modifications to your part, upload them to my holopad, and then we can print away at any class 3 or above fabricator we can scrounge up on Brayga colony.â
âOk.. um.. got it, I'm almost done iâm just you knowâ He points a lone grasping appendage at his screen,âRunning some simulations, making sure everything is up to spec.â keeping his response kurt. âSorry for freaking out there.â
I nod my head in the human display of affirmation and return to my workstation to further bug check my work, to test potentially problematic edge cases for when he finishes. Tho Rodney's continued odd behavior intruded on my thoughts.
I should have felt empowered, being able to intimidate this âmassive beastâ, but I didn't. I didn't like being feared, his people have been nice to me, Rodney himself courteous to a fault and desperate for positive attention.
I thought I could expect predators to be fearless but that clearly wasn't the case, rodney was fearful, nervous, had I not known better I would say defective, and while it annoyed his crew, they didn't berate him for it, or attempt to assert dominance, they encouraged it even with placating words and tried to help him through it, they encouraged and supported him like a proper herd, even if sometimes it took the form of what the human would call a playful ribbing. I supposed I could help him as well.
I approached him again, careful to make my approach known to him, making sure to approach from within his limited field of vision. He looks up at me with a wide eyed glare, had I not known him I might have assumed it was hunger, but I did and knew it to be concern.
âUh high Donu.. um whats up?â
âWhy are you afraid of us rodney?â
âWa-What, me afraid?â he gives out a panicked laugh âuh no no, I'm not afraid, you know just a bit weirded out I'm just getting used to you all, it's not a fear thing it's a aâŠ. Just getting used to new aliens thing, ask Hermirod we went through this whole song and dance right buddyâ
Hermirod furrowed his brow and gave an irritated sigh from across the room.
I reached out to take Rodney by the paw.
His whole body flinched at my mere touch, I quickly withdrew my paw.
âOh.. um.. I didn'tâŠâ
âRodney! It's okay, your crew doesnât seem to care when you show fear, and neither do I. Why are you afraid of us? You are almost twice our size and surely double our strength, most venlil would scream and run in terror at the mere sight of you. What's wrong?â
Rodney let out a sigh. âOh its, we don't have to talk about this, I can deal with this, I deal with scary situations all the time, it's fine, I'll be fine.â
âRodney, my people are a very emotional, empathic people, we are open with our feelings and with our fear, and the fear of the one can affect the herd, please let me help you. I donât know what to expect from your society but I promise I wont judge you for your fear or emotions, I mean look at many of my crew mates, we are no one to judgeâ
Rodney shot back âYou didn't seem to be so botheredâ
âIâm too old to care, I was about to retire, hell I was about to die as far as I knew, Brayga colony was supposed to be a quiet place to lay back, work on some hobbies, plant a garden and pester the young men of my colony until I either dropped dead of boredom or got luckyâ I joked.
That seemed to raise Rodney's mood somewhat. He sighed and seemingly relented.
âItâs⊠a dumb story, I don't even know why it affected me so much, I come from a place on earth called Canada, people don't usually believe me when I say I am from there, us Canadians are notoriously friendly and I guess I havenât exactly filled that mold for a lot of my life, but hey I'm working on it, people like me, I have lots of friends back at Atlantisâ He says the last sentence in a way as if it isn't me he's trying to convince.
âI'm sure you do, Rodney, You seem like quite the charming individual when you're not cowering!â
âHa ha thanks, maybe you could come and visit sometime. Tell that to doctor Becket, really nice guy, smart man, he would love to meet you, he loves investigating new species. But back on topic, oh boy, so me and my sister Jeannie were on a family trip to rural Vancouver to visit my grandpa's farm, he kept a lot of goats, not for eating or anything, they were essentially pets that he would use for milkâ
âWait hold on? You drink milk from other animals! Do your females not produce enough milk for their young?â
âOh um no, we just sort of drink it or ferment it into cheese!â
âFerment? You mean spoil?
âYehâ
I reeled from this plasma blast of a statement, I like any right minded venlil had a number of nightmares about being an arxurâs cattle before, especially when I first learned about those things in primary school, but never once had it crossed my mind that we could be used for something so weird. What the speh was I supposed to do with that information?
âMaybe you should get back on topicâ
âYeh sorry about that uh.. Anyways the momma goat had just had a litter of babies, and their real cute when their little, so late in the day when my grandpa was asleep we snuck out to the pens so we can play with the little baby goats, our grandpa told us not to but you now how kids are.â
At this I think back to a young Nyan, as I teach him the inner working of the hyperdrive, I tell him heâs not cleared yet to operate in this engine compartment alone, but I could tell from the occasional caught black hairs and dropped writing implements, there had been a number of curious unauthorized expeditions into its inner workings, he didn't really listen either.
âMy sister as always was trying to be the voice of reason, wanting to take it slow. If I was paying attention I might have noticed the angry moma goat who didnât appreciate the strange human messing with her children.â
The color seemed to drain from his face.
âI uhâŠâ He began to stutter again âI screamed, a lot, it was rather undignified, she ran right at me, thank god it wasn't a male goat, one with horns, I tired to run but I was hit in the back and knocked over and kicked real good in the head, like wake up in the vet clinic a quarter mile down the road kind of badâ
âThis goat was a prey animal?â
âThat would be what your kind focuses onâ
âOh sorryâ
âAnyways It seems dumb but I have just never been good with animals since then, especially ones that look like you; no offense; I'm getting better but when I first saw you guys in the hangar bay, I was just that dumb kid again, getting in way over my head, scared for my life. I guess there is something to be said about childhood trauma. I really should be over this, I'm getting better with it I swear itâs justâ
I take his paw again, he doesn't flinch this time.
âI'm a venlil, a prey animal, I know fear, I know what it is to live in fear, It rattles your brain, it turns your paws to wet grains. It takes great strength to overcome it, to push it aside just long enough to protect the herd. Your herd relies on you Rodney and you are doing a great job in spite of your fear, in spite of having to work with those you fear. You have achieved intellectual feats that rival the greatest minds of the federation and all that while struggling with a traumatic experience. Fear isnât dumb and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling it.â
âThank youâ Rodney says âThat means a lot, I won't be like forever I promise, I just need some time.â
âWe will laugh about this someday,â I assured. âNothing as big and intelligent as you should be afraid of anythingâ
âAre you calling me fat?â Rodney exclaimed with fake offense.
We both chuckled.
My kind words had resulted in a more upright posture, and a more cheerful demeanor from the human, almost like when I congratulated Nyan on his work, and it got me a look at that happy snarl of his, that I was starting to grow quite fond of.
After Action Report - Venlil Colonial Defense Force
Subject : Apprentice Engineer Nyan
Oh wow! I get to write a report for this mission! I never get to write reports, Donu says they're too boring, but thereâs so many interesting things going on all the time. Sometimes I sneakily write my own! Just for fun of course, nobody sees them, which is probably for the best as I sometimes get excited and embellish them slightly. One of the reports I wrote was about the time Donu used nothing but a wad of electrical tape, a bottle of high grain venlil alcohol and a pocket knife to repair a venlil medical ship just in time to get out of the way of a big scary space predator, with glowing red eyes and a million tentacles!
Anyways Im not sure If im suppose to write these In present tense first person or past tense. I asked the captain and she said it's whatever so long as I make sure any pertinent dialogues are properly quoted(ââ).
âNobody usually reads these things anyways.â She said, but this one is surely going to be so exciting, who could look away!
I mean who's gonna scoff at a chance to read about friendly predators from another dimension! A dimension of friendly predators who give warm head scratches and hand out yummy strayu not strayu treats called donuts, that are somehow fluffier than strayu, and have a nice moisture to them. I asked for the recipe but Samantha said we wouldn't have the ingredients back on Venili prime to make them, and Teal'c said the recipe is an old family secret. Its weird predators would be so protective of their plant snacks.
There are so many weird things about these predators, they have nurturing instincts that make them find us cute. They stay perfectly balanced even if they donât have tails, swinging their arms and body all over the place to keep upright like a lopsided gyroscope, it's pretty funny looking!
They also wear artificial pelts all the time, which I thought was weird, I thought maybe the ships temperature was set by the angry gray alien since heâs the only crew member beside the venlil who walks around naked all the time, maybe he had a fit when it was to warm, and the humans obliged him cause they were worried they would make him even angrier, and wore clothes to make up for the cold. I thought this made sense, a lot of their technology does seem to come from the Asguard, maybe he has more say in the goings on of the ship because of that. But apparently humans just like wearing pelts all the time. They feel uncomfortable without them and donât like it if you try to remove them or look up their upper artificial pelts they call shirts.
The humans are so weird, I donât even have to embellish my reports to make it more interesting. Like that time with the big tentacled space predator. That may sound real compared to this stuff but it Isn't, Ha! I bet you fell for it at first, hook line and sinker! Like the humans would say. I think I used that saying right, I'm not sure what it means, but Shepard brought it up when he was telling a story about the wraith.
The humans are so nice, instead of exterminating their predators they try to cure them! Their doctors are working to modify the wraith so they don't have to eat humans anymore, so they can be friendly predators too.
Anyways I should probably get to the actual report part of this report. Farva says I should start after I went off with Samantha to work on some special astrophysics equations she said I would be good at. I kind of wanted to go with Donu to help Rodney get the new parts they needed, or Farva to help rescue our people, but the humans and even the angry gray alien got really weird when Farva mentioned taking me on the mission. Samantha seemed to want me to help her really badly so I didnât mind. Samantha says I have the most important part to our mission. She's teaching me about how humans communicate through subspace, and about stellar drift equations. We are working on what she calls the exit strategy.
2024.05.18 21:25 foodwars75 very emotional when it comes to criticism from family
i overthink and am sensitive to criticism but its heightened when its from my older sister. i really enjoy her company because shes funny, smart, and perspective but shes very quick and easy to make remarks that criticize my actions. it hurts because i dont think she knows what its like to have a family member do that since i never do it to her and our parents dont really point things out to that extent.
mostly going over things that happened this week thats affected me:
the other day she was hauling boxes out of her car to her room and i was eating so yes i shouldve helped but i didnt feel as inclined as i probably should have since i helped earlier in the week with unloading boxes out her car. and she said to me in passing âwhen u have a future roommate you should help them when theyre moving inâ and i took a little offense because even with my past roommate and neighbor i had helped them move out but i didnt bring this up. i asked if she wanted help then and she said âno because i had to ask about itâ so i just kept eating with deserved guilt. then later that day i asked my mom if she knew where a decor piece we had bought from a grocery trip a few days ago was since i couldnt find it. my mom said it was in the car and she went to look for it which i was grateful for since i didnt ask or imply her to find it for me but my sister criticized how i made her go all the way to the garage in the car to find it. i didnt think it was that big of a deal since i didnt ask her to look for me so i didnt rlly understand this.
the decor was self degrading humor and i was excited to have it, showing my sister but then she said how its basically perfect for me and now i dont want to have it because it feels ironic i guess :(
anyway the reason im making this post is this morning i helped unload the dishwasher and a bit with lunch and also my dad and i brought up my sisters bed frame/mattress from the garage to inside the house and constructed it. after, i sat on the couch on my phone and my mom finished w laundry so my sister was helping fold it then my sister and mom were like implying for me to help but again i didnt feel as inclined because i helped with other things but i did get up and helped with one and idk i dont remember but i got rlly frustrated because they were criticizing how i wasnt helping with the laundry and idk im just tired of being criticized for everything i do bc somehow im always doing something wrong and im always so emotionally sensitive when it comes to my sister and it just makes me cry a lot. like i wasnt aware that i need to be the one helping everyone with everything all the time. its not like im the best helper in the world i dont understand why i cant just live and not have everything i do poked and analyzed.
my mom apologized and told my sister to do so as well but honestly i feel like just locking myself in the room for the rest of summer break bc i wont have to deal with any other bs i might encounter
submitted by foodwars75 to hsp [link] [comments]
mostly going over things that happened this week thats affected me:
the other day she was hauling boxes out of her car to her room and i was eating so yes i shouldve helped but i didnt feel as inclined as i probably should have since i helped earlier in the week with unloading boxes out her car. and she said to me in passing âwhen u have a future roommate you should help them when theyre moving inâ and i took a little offense because even with my past roommate and neighbor i had helped them move out but i didnt bring this up. i asked if she wanted help then and she said âno because i had to ask about itâ so i just kept eating with deserved guilt. then later that day i asked my mom if she knew where a decor piece we had bought from a grocery trip a few days ago was since i couldnt find it. my mom said it was in the car and she went to look for it which i was grateful for since i didnt ask or imply her to find it for me but my sister criticized how i made her go all the way to the garage in the car to find it. i didnt think it was that big of a deal since i didnt ask her to look for me so i didnt rlly understand this.
the decor was self degrading humor and i was excited to have it, showing my sister but then she said how its basically perfect for me and now i dont want to have it because it feels ironic i guess :(
anyway the reason im making this post is this morning i helped unload the dishwasher and a bit with lunch and also my dad and i brought up my sisters bed frame/mattress from the garage to inside the house and constructed it. after, i sat on the couch on my phone and my mom finished w laundry so my sister was helping fold it then my sister and mom were like implying for me to help but again i didnt feel as inclined because i helped with other things but i did get up and helped with one and idk i dont remember but i got rlly frustrated because they were criticizing how i wasnt helping with the laundry and idk im just tired of being criticized for everything i do bc somehow im always doing something wrong and im always so emotionally sensitive when it comes to my sister and it just makes me cry a lot. like i wasnt aware that i need to be the one helping everyone with everything all the time. its not like im the best helper in the world i dont understand why i cant just live and not have everything i do poked and analyzed.
my mom apologized and told my sister to do so as well but honestly i feel like just locking myself in the room for the rest of summer break bc i wont have to deal with any other bs i might encounter
2024.05.18 21:16 DisapointmentGuy My mindset is all over
26M Having social anxiety along with BPD, self conscious/aware, and just a fear of public places or even trying to talk to a woman around others. I'm also a Deipnophobia, touch deprived, overly nice, restricted, i'm really a sloppy mess.
I gave up on wanting a woman in my life, and settled at fixing up my moms rotting house with any money i get because that's apparently the only thing i can sort of control and is the only thing in my life i can use to finally complete something for once and feel useful even though she is nothing to be proud of at all. I can't just go out into the world and make it, leaving my moms house will get me killed prematurely. I want to live long life, but that was only if i could build a family. So i'm now stuck between very life changing decisions.
I rarely ever complete anything anymore. Writing music, books, video games. Only game i ever completed was Skyrim Elder Scrolls and then forgot my password to my old Xbox account. So now she is forever laid to rest in my closet, i have more feeling for that character and the person i had her married than most humans.
I actually became scared of dating someone, i always been telling myself i will love her with all my heart and do anything for her, but at this point i don't think i can be affectionate enough. I can certainly be there, and do things, and sure we can have very lovely and funny moments, but i have a social guage where i NEED to have time to myself or meet someone who can just be there for me when those times come.
I get episodes where i become severely lonely, i'll ugly cry for up to 22 hours which was my last one i had and it really really sucked. I lost my job over it. A young woman my deceased brother was supposed to date, flirted with me and touched my butt earlier this week. Which i almost never say no to a woman touching me unless its an altercation.
But she was drunk so i know she wasn't serious. And means i'm ugly and get cuter the more you drink...ouch. My older brother apparently is expecting her to still leave her old husband and date him instead. So i know what she did upset him even though he's still worried about his ex and her new man. I have no interest in her because she already has kids and she is an alcoholic.
If i just could be affectionate, maybe i could connect better with women. It seems all my mind wants is a girlfriend, not much else interests me. It's like i need to unlock that part of my life so i can progress my life into adulthood. But anytime i say that, i get shunned heavily. I get told i need to fix myself, but there is no "fixing" social problems, there's only improvements which i have done, there's not much else to do but test myself in the field.
However, like i said i've lost interest in getting back on dating sites again. I've made about 6 Tinder accounts and deleted them all within a month of each other. I've been on Boo, Badoo, Tinder, POF, and maybe a few more that werent as popular.
I had my first date on Badoo last year before Christmas, walked around a botanical garden, got food, kissed, and even made it official. Had another date for the next weekend, but she stopped texting me out of nowhere, so me having BPD, i blocked her number and blocked her on Badoo to avoid the potential abandonment. I totally fucking regret it, maybe she didn't ghost me i don't know.
But all i know is, i burned the bridge over assumtions and i want to fucking stop this. I truly felt she was my soulmate we related so much on how we grew up. I know i could've helped her with what she wanted out of a boyfriend. But this thing it builds up inside me like fear. I don't know who i'm supposed to be anymore...
submitted by DisapointmentGuy to lonely [link] [comments]
I gave up on wanting a woman in my life, and settled at fixing up my moms rotting house with any money i get because that's apparently the only thing i can sort of control and is the only thing in my life i can use to finally complete something for once and feel useful even though she is nothing to be proud of at all. I can't just go out into the world and make it, leaving my moms house will get me killed prematurely. I want to live long life, but that was only if i could build a family. So i'm now stuck between very life changing decisions.
I rarely ever complete anything anymore. Writing music, books, video games. Only game i ever completed was Skyrim Elder Scrolls and then forgot my password to my old Xbox account. So now she is forever laid to rest in my closet, i have more feeling for that character and the person i had her married than most humans.
I actually became scared of dating someone, i always been telling myself i will love her with all my heart and do anything for her, but at this point i don't think i can be affectionate enough. I can certainly be there, and do things, and sure we can have very lovely and funny moments, but i have a social guage where i NEED to have time to myself or meet someone who can just be there for me when those times come.
I get episodes where i become severely lonely, i'll ugly cry for up to 22 hours which was my last one i had and it really really sucked. I lost my job over it. A young woman my deceased brother was supposed to date, flirted with me and touched my butt earlier this week. Which i almost never say no to a woman touching me unless its an altercation.
But she was drunk so i know she wasn't serious. And means i'm ugly and get cuter the more you drink...ouch. My older brother apparently is expecting her to still leave her old husband and date him instead. So i know what she did upset him even though he's still worried about his ex and her new man. I have no interest in her because she already has kids and she is an alcoholic.
If i just could be affectionate, maybe i could connect better with women. It seems all my mind wants is a girlfriend, not much else interests me. It's like i need to unlock that part of my life so i can progress my life into adulthood. But anytime i say that, i get shunned heavily. I get told i need to fix myself, but there is no "fixing" social problems, there's only improvements which i have done, there's not much else to do but test myself in the field.
However, like i said i've lost interest in getting back on dating sites again. I've made about 6 Tinder accounts and deleted them all within a month of each other. I've been on Boo, Badoo, Tinder, POF, and maybe a few more that werent as popular.
I had my first date on Badoo last year before Christmas, walked around a botanical garden, got food, kissed, and even made it official. Had another date for the next weekend, but she stopped texting me out of nowhere, so me having BPD, i blocked her number and blocked her on Badoo to avoid the potential abandonment. I totally fucking regret it, maybe she didn't ghost me i don't know.
But all i know is, i burned the bridge over assumtions and i want to fucking stop this. I truly felt she was my soulmate we related so much on how we grew up. I know i could've helped her with what she wanted out of a boyfriend. But this thing it builds up inside me like fear. I don't know who i'm supposed to be anymore...
2024.05.18 21:07 Complex_Psychology56 looking for Product or Founder's office roles with no calls
submitted by Complex_Psychology56 to resumes [link] [comments]
2024.05.18 21:05 d_aisy100 WIBTA for calling it off because of sex?
I'm gonna start off by saying that I don't plan on this post being raunchy enough to warrant an actual "NSFW" tag, but forewarning here that I will be talking about sex and genitalia.
So, background: I (24F) went on a first date last night. He (27M) seemed great. We'd met on Hinge and been texting daily for the past 5 days or so. He was nice, funny. We have very similar senses of humour. We met at a pub (he was 20 minutes late, even after we pushed back the time by a half hour, which wasn't ideal, but also not a dealbreaker for me), had a couple drinks, and really hit it off. Everything seemed completely perfect, I was really attracted to him, and we agreed to head to my place.
Before we got into his car, he asked me to kiss him, and this is where the first sign of things being a little rough turned up. He was a sloppy kisser, and worse, his breath smelled STRONGLY of tonsil stones. I know the smell well, I have them myself, and I know you can't really help having them. But I take a lot of steps on a daily basis to mitigate my tonsil stones (flossing, and brushing thoroughly at least twice daily, gargling at least once a day with Therabreath, and at least once a week with warm salt water, and regularly physically expressing what stones do form). As soon as I caught that first whiff, I just couldn't help feeling disgusted.
We drove back to mine, hung out for a bit, and then we moved to the bedroom. I want to make it very clear that he was not forcing me, I did consent, but I do think at this point I dissociated a bit. I have a history of unwanted sexual encounters, and it's hard for me to tell sometimes if I actually want to be having sex with someone, or if I'm just trying to please them out of self-preservation. This was one of those times. It wasn't until after everything that I got that horrible, disgusted, shameful feeling that told me I had made a poor choice.
The part that I'm struggling with the most though, feels so mean and horrible:
He had a small penis. Like, really small.
I never thought that would be something that mattered to me, I was always someone who said it wasn't the size of the tool, but how you use it. The reality was though, it just wasn't working for me. I feel like a horrible person for feeling like this thing he can't control was a deal breaker for me. And he did make a concerted effort to satisfy me in other ways, but nothing he was doing was quite right, and after trying to offer a bit of guidance, I just fell back into the habit of pretending so as not to hurt his feelings or make him angry.
At some point I indicated I was done, and he respected that and left. He made it clear he was more enamoured with me than ever. He spoke highly of the sex. Meanwhile I felt like a horrible, dirty liar. I was sore, and tired, and all wanted to do was go to sleep. I was disgusted by the smell of him lingering in my apartment and on my clothes. I'm ashamed to admit I ignored some of his texts last night under the guise of having fallen asleep, and I've been a little lukewarm in my responses today.
I don't know that I want to see him again, but I feel like a really terrible person because before the sex, everything seemed great. I've never had much luck with dating, and have been going through a particularly rough patch after being broken up with a few months ago. In a lot of ways, I feel like I should be less picky, I'm not exactly the most attractive person. But I also know that sex is a really important part of intimacy for me, and like not being interested in a person because the sex isn't working isn't really that unreasonable.
I'm just confused and ashamed, and would appreciate some guidance.
So, Reddit, WIBTA if I called it off?
submitted by d_aisy100 to AITA_Relationships [link] [comments]
So, background: I (24F) went on a first date last night. He (27M) seemed great. We'd met on Hinge and been texting daily for the past 5 days or so. He was nice, funny. We have very similar senses of humour. We met at a pub (he was 20 minutes late, even after we pushed back the time by a half hour, which wasn't ideal, but also not a dealbreaker for me), had a couple drinks, and really hit it off. Everything seemed completely perfect, I was really attracted to him, and we agreed to head to my place.
Before we got into his car, he asked me to kiss him, and this is where the first sign of things being a little rough turned up. He was a sloppy kisser, and worse, his breath smelled STRONGLY of tonsil stones. I know the smell well, I have them myself, and I know you can't really help having them. But I take a lot of steps on a daily basis to mitigate my tonsil stones (flossing, and brushing thoroughly at least twice daily, gargling at least once a day with Therabreath, and at least once a week with warm salt water, and regularly physically expressing what stones do form). As soon as I caught that first whiff, I just couldn't help feeling disgusted.
We drove back to mine, hung out for a bit, and then we moved to the bedroom. I want to make it very clear that he was not forcing me, I did consent, but I do think at this point I dissociated a bit. I have a history of unwanted sexual encounters, and it's hard for me to tell sometimes if I actually want to be having sex with someone, or if I'm just trying to please them out of self-preservation. This was one of those times. It wasn't until after everything that I got that horrible, disgusted, shameful feeling that told me I had made a poor choice.
The part that I'm struggling with the most though, feels so mean and horrible:
He had a small penis. Like, really small.
I never thought that would be something that mattered to me, I was always someone who said it wasn't the size of the tool, but how you use it. The reality was though, it just wasn't working for me. I feel like a horrible person for feeling like this thing he can't control was a deal breaker for me. And he did make a concerted effort to satisfy me in other ways, but nothing he was doing was quite right, and after trying to offer a bit of guidance, I just fell back into the habit of pretending so as not to hurt his feelings or make him angry.
At some point I indicated I was done, and he respected that and left. He made it clear he was more enamoured with me than ever. He spoke highly of the sex. Meanwhile I felt like a horrible, dirty liar. I was sore, and tired, and all wanted to do was go to sleep. I was disgusted by the smell of him lingering in my apartment and on my clothes. I'm ashamed to admit I ignored some of his texts last night under the guise of having fallen asleep, and I've been a little lukewarm in my responses today.
I don't know that I want to see him again, but I feel like a really terrible person because before the sex, everything seemed great. I've never had much luck with dating, and have been going through a particularly rough patch after being broken up with a few months ago. In a lot of ways, I feel like I should be less picky, I'm not exactly the most attractive person. But I also know that sex is a really important part of intimacy for me, and like not being interested in a person because the sex isn't working isn't really that unreasonable.
I'm just confused and ashamed, and would appreciate some guidance.
So, Reddit, WIBTA if I called it off?
2024.05.18 21:03 Present_Chemistry929 Have I outgrown my relationship?
I am feeling a little lost in life at the moment but the thing I am feeling lost around the most is my relationship. I am 30F, and been in a relationship with my partner 30M for over 10 years.
I have spent a lot of time growing in myself and doing a couple of things, on my own in the last 6 months, that I have never done but wanted to do, because I cannot wait for someone to do these things with me.
A key part to this that I am struggling to talk to other people about through fear of judgement is, I currently work with predominately males, males who are 35-40, who have shown me I can have and do more with my life through seeing their nice trips, the fancy places they got to, they have shown me the great parts of their relationships, as obviously I do not get to see the bad parts. And I know this is not completely what reality is like, but does show me I can have more. Hero instinct definitely kicks in with these men as they really do look out for me and care for me.
My relationship is not terrible in comparison to others at all and do think some of these things are extremely minor and I appreciate I will sound very spoilt, but I am wondering if I have sadly outgrown my relationship.
I long for a partner that cooks for me, he doesnât, infact he canât, he doesnât know how, he was never taught and was always waited on hand and foot by his mother. Now, whilst this is partly my fault, I should have stopped this sooner, but I used to be so relaxed and it never really bothered me as I was creating what I thought was a good life with him and one that my parents never had. He doesnât offer to make me a cup of coffee, get me a drink. We donât go out unless itâs something he wants to do. He doesnât dress nicely, and sometimes I feel embarrassed to be around him. Heâs booked holidays for us but he hasnât considered my wants or needs in these, again itâs been because he wants to go. One of my absolute favourite things is live music. He never wants to go to concerts with me, but has booked to go to a concert with his friends. Naturally I was quite upset by this. He is also very immature and this is very boring.
There is no intimacy, there hasnât ever been really except in the very beginning. He has always been interested in himself and his own enjoyments as opposed to what I want. Heâs always said he never really liked sex, whereas I do. When we do, he is lazy. In all these years, heâs never made me cum. One time, he just lay there, sleeping, whilst playing with me. There was no other engagement. I do not enjoy what he does for sexual enjoyment, I have tried numerous times over the years but I cannot enjoy it at all. I have spoken to him about all of these things but he doesnât change.
I will say things in jest infront of his family that I am unhappy with to see their reaction but they encourage it by laughing and saying âwhat is he like? Heâs so funny!â They canât see any wrong especially his mother.
There are good things, he has always been a fantastic support, Iâve never faulted that. I am actually the bread winner in the relationship and probably wouldnât be if it wasnât for him. He cleans and does the housework, but only because he suffers with OCD and doesnât trust me to do it to his standards. He does the gardening but again, this is because he enjoys it. And he does care for me.
And of course there are things that I do wrong, I work long hours, I am building a business, these long hours, to add are mainly out of choice because I donât have anything else to do. I can be lazy and sometimes a little bit selfish and as previously mentioned I am not interested in his fantasies.
My worry is if I left him, I wouldnât find anyone else to treat me how I want to be treated but at the same time what if I did? I am definitely finding myself in a depression for various things, including low self esteem, which I am dealing with, with my therapist.
I think I will get responses to say, I am unhappy in myself, which I have identified and I am doing a lot to find happiness in myself but feeling I need a better connection? I keep wondering what if? One of my friends, did say I deserve more but Iâm not sure I believe them and should just suck it up and accept this is life and relationships?
I am starting to think about babies, he says he doesnât want them, but I am unsure if I would even want children with him.
I am so unsure about where to go with this and really unsure why I am asking people on the internet. Unbiased perspective I suppose.
I am surrounded by people in broken families and I know the impact it has had on me so my relationship was always the one thing I was proud of, but I also do not want regrets.
So I suppose my questions are, have I outgrown my relationship? Could this be having an impact on my mental health without me realising? And what other experiences people have had in just outgrowing their relationship?
TL;DR: 30F in long term relationship with 30M. 30M doesnât seem to be satisfying 30F wants and needs. 30F has low self esteem and unsure whether her feelings are affected by or partly caused by what feels like poor quality relationship. Has the relationship been outgrown and now to deal with it?
submitted by Present_Chemistry929 to relationships [link] [comments]
I have spent a lot of time growing in myself and doing a couple of things, on my own in the last 6 months, that I have never done but wanted to do, because I cannot wait for someone to do these things with me.
A key part to this that I am struggling to talk to other people about through fear of judgement is, I currently work with predominately males, males who are 35-40, who have shown me I can have and do more with my life through seeing their nice trips, the fancy places they got to, they have shown me the great parts of their relationships, as obviously I do not get to see the bad parts. And I know this is not completely what reality is like, but does show me I can have more. Hero instinct definitely kicks in with these men as they really do look out for me and care for me.
My relationship is not terrible in comparison to others at all and do think some of these things are extremely minor and I appreciate I will sound very spoilt, but I am wondering if I have sadly outgrown my relationship.
I long for a partner that cooks for me, he doesnât, infact he canât, he doesnât know how, he was never taught and was always waited on hand and foot by his mother. Now, whilst this is partly my fault, I should have stopped this sooner, but I used to be so relaxed and it never really bothered me as I was creating what I thought was a good life with him and one that my parents never had. He doesnât offer to make me a cup of coffee, get me a drink. We donât go out unless itâs something he wants to do. He doesnât dress nicely, and sometimes I feel embarrassed to be around him. Heâs booked holidays for us but he hasnât considered my wants or needs in these, again itâs been because he wants to go. One of my absolute favourite things is live music. He never wants to go to concerts with me, but has booked to go to a concert with his friends. Naturally I was quite upset by this. He is also very immature and this is very boring.
There is no intimacy, there hasnât ever been really except in the very beginning. He has always been interested in himself and his own enjoyments as opposed to what I want. Heâs always said he never really liked sex, whereas I do. When we do, he is lazy. In all these years, heâs never made me cum. One time, he just lay there, sleeping, whilst playing with me. There was no other engagement. I do not enjoy what he does for sexual enjoyment, I have tried numerous times over the years but I cannot enjoy it at all. I have spoken to him about all of these things but he doesnât change.
I will say things in jest infront of his family that I am unhappy with to see their reaction but they encourage it by laughing and saying âwhat is he like? Heâs so funny!â They canât see any wrong especially his mother.
There are good things, he has always been a fantastic support, Iâve never faulted that. I am actually the bread winner in the relationship and probably wouldnât be if it wasnât for him. He cleans and does the housework, but only because he suffers with OCD and doesnât trust me to do it to his standards. He does the gardening but again, this is because he enjoys it. And he does care for me.
And of course there are things that I do wrong, I work long hours, I am building a business, these long hours, to add are mainly out of choice because I donât have anything else to do. I can be lazy and sometimes a little bit selfish and as previously mentioned I am not interested in his fantasies.
My worry is if I left him, I wouldnât find anyone else to treat me how I want to be treated but at the same time what if I did? I am definitely finding myself in a depression for various things, including low self esteem, which I am dealing with, with my therapist.
I think I will get responses to say, I am unhappy in myself, which I have identified and I am doing a lot to find happiness in myself but feeling I need a better connection? I keep wondering what if? One of my friends, did say I deserve more but Iâm not sure I believe them and should just suck it up and accept this is life and relationships?
I am starting to think about babies, he says he doesnât want them, but I am unsure if I would even want children with him.
I am so unsure about where to go with this and really unsure why I am asking people on the internet. Unbiased perspective I suppose.
I am surrounded by people in broken families and I know the impact it has had on me so my relationship was always the one thing I was proud of, but I also do not want regrets.
So I suppose my questions are, have I outgrown my relationship? Could this be having an impact on my mental health without me realising? And what other experiences people have had in just outgrowing their relationship?
TL;DR: 30F in long term relationship with 30M. 30M doesnât seem to be satisfying 30F wants and needs. 30F has low self esteem and unsure whether her feelings are affected by or partly caused by what feels like poor quality relationship. Has the relationship been outgrown and now to deal with it?
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submitted by abjinternational to FreeUdemyCoupons [link] [comments]
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2024.05.18 20:48 TheGr3aTAydini My final message to her
Hey, itâs me. Itâs been a while since we last saw each other, I hope youâre living your best life and that your friends and family are well.
Last time I tried to reach out to you I still wasnât thinking clearly, I wasnât being entirely honest when I was asking for closure- Iâm sorry. After the breakup, I was still healing, hoping in my heart that if I gave us a little bit of time and space, we would meet up, work things out and get back together. I had the best intentions at heart and I just hope you know that.
I still have so much that I want to say and I wish I could say it to you without anymore miscommunication and fumbling on my words so here it goes.
When I first met you at the coffee shop, I was taken aback by this gorgeous girl who was funny, a little shy, hardworking and caring. I believed that you were exactly the person I was waiting forâŠand you were absolutely worth the wait. I couldnât wait to see you again, when we met again my feelings for you grew stronger, I still remember you hiding your face in your scarf, I thought it was so cute and I was falling for you more and more.
I still remember our first kiss like it was yesterday, I eased into you, I felt secure feeling you close to me it was like a dream.
The next date was also incredible, meeting your friends was also great theyâre such amazing people and I hope theyâre well by the way. Walking around the town, seeing all the Christmas markets, grabbing a drink at that arcade bar, you whooping my ass at table hockey, and who could forget about that mini pouch of Tropicana at the pizza place (didnât need a glass for that one haha). What I remember the most was how you cuddled up to me on the way back in the train.
Before we knew it, I made us official the next time we went the dessert shop. I was awkward as hell haha but it was the best decision of my life because it led to so many amazing memories I will cherish forever on top of the ones I just listed:
I still felt so strongly for you, I missed you every day on that trip to and I thought of you each day. Coming back, everything changed and I felt like we were drifting apart. I was blaming myself so hard for what happened on my Birthday seeing you hurt- I felt like I was to blame. I still do now.
The day we broke up, still feels like a bad dream, it hurts knowing thatâs reality. It hurts more knowing I was fighting for us whilst you were drifting away from me, it broke my heart, I felt like you gave up on me. I know we agreed but honestly I wasnât happy, I thought ending things amicably was better for both of us but I guess it only really helped you. Iâm not blaming you, thatâs not fair to do that, you had your reasons and I understand completely why you werenât happy with me no more.
The reasons why we didnât work out: the communication, not understanding your job and the fact we werenât moving forward. Iâve had time to self-reflect and I now understand why I was the way I was.
I was always hard on myself when it came to, well everything namely my job, my college work, my future, etc. I always questioned whether I was doing enough, whether Iâd reach my full potential and being afraid of making mistakes. Those insecurities invaded the relationship and itâs why sometimes my communication was poor and why I sometimes was silent. Itâs cause I stressed myself out over something that wasnât a concern. Thatâs also why I would forget things or struggle listening, since I let that go Iâm now much better.
When it came to your job, I did understand that you had to work different shifts compared to my job and I knew that. I guess because I stepped up on my communication I guess I was expecting more from you whether it was unrealistic or not.
Now I wonât lie, I guess I was also dissatisfied with some things with you and I felt frustrated at times.
I knew that you were awkward with physical intimacy and I understood. I did try my best to still show you my affection and make you feel loved. I felt rejected at times whenever you would shrug me off when it came to hugging or holding hands whether it was in front of my parents or even between us, when you didnât reciprocate, it left me feeling uncertain at times.
Your sarcastic sense of humour did sometimes rub me the wrong way, I guess I just didnât understand the jokes sometimes or I didnât see it as such.
I did think sometimes you were a bit selfish too, like on your Birthday weekend. I did feel left out and like you didnât really want me there, I absolutely understand your family should be your priority but I felt like you made it my responsibility to secure my place there and I felt it was unfair. I always considered you for every plan I made whether it was my Birthday or a future holiday.
Introducing you to my parents was also a huge step for me, I did that because I was sure about you. When you didnât do the same despite everything I did, I felt like you were keeping me at an arms length and like you were trying to keep me out of your life.
Maybe you were also a bit unforgiving towards my struggles with listening. I reckon working around loud machinery all day, every day has affected me a bit and Iâm sorry about that.
Despite those things, I still wanted to be with you and I was hoping with time weâd be the perfect couple. I was always eager to plan our next date, future plans for us too: holidays, events and I was also hoping Iâd meet your family one day. I suppose it wasnât meant to be but it still hurts knowing weâre not together no more, I still feel like I had so much more to give.
I feel like what we had was something special, it came at the right time, we are both definitely the right people and we had something amazing. I wished the problems we had didnât push us apart, I feel like we couldâve overcame them. If you lost feelings for me, I get it but it still hurts and I hope you understand.
Iâd give anything to talk to you again, simply just be with you again. I still hope, in my heart, that one day weâll see each other again, that this isnât really the end. Whether itâs at a coffee shop, a concert or in town, I still wish to see your face again, we pick up right where we left off. If we need to take it slow, I just hope we find our way back because things like us only happen once in a lifetime. I still miss you, your gorgeous smile, your laugh, simply just you.
If not, thatâs ok. I know youâre happy now, Iâm happy for you too, I wish nothing but the best for you. I just wished you could be your best with me. Iâm ok though, no need to worry about me, Iâm living my best life too and everything is looking up.
I hope this isnât goodbye but if I donât see you again, I hope you have an amazing life.
Iâm glad you heard me out, eventually haha, and Iâm happy knowing I got everything off my chest.
Thank you for everything and take care
submitted by TheGr3aTAydini to ExNoContact [link] [comments]
Last time I tried to reach out to you I still wasnât thinking clearly, I wasnât being entirely honest when I was asking for closure- Iâm sorry. After the breakup, I was still healing, hoping in my heart that if I gave us a little bit of time and space, we would meet up, work things out and get back together. I had the best intentions at heart and I just hope you know that.
I still have so much that I want to say and I wish I could say it to you without anymore miscommunication and fumbling on my words so here it goes.
When I first met you at the coffee shop, I was taken aback by this gorgeous girl who was funny, a little shy, hardworking and caring. I believed that you were exactly the person I was waiting forâŠand you were absolutely worth the wait. I couldnât wait to see you again, when we met again my feelings for you grew stronger, I still remember you hiding your face in your scarf, I thought it was so cute and I was falling for you more and more.
I still remember our first kiss like it was yesterday, I eased into you, I felt secure feeling you close to me it was like a dream.
The next date was also incredible, meeting your friends was also great theyâre such amazing people and I hope theyâre well by the way. Walking around the town, seeing all the Christmas markets, grabbing a drink at that arcade bar, you whooping my ass at table hockey, and who could forget about that mini pouch of Tropicana at the pizza place (didnât need a glass for that one haha). What I remember the most was how you cuddled up to me on the way back in the train.
Before we knew it, I made us official the next time we went the dessert shop. I was awkward as hell haha but it was the best decision of my life because it led to so many amazing memories I will cherish forever on top of the ones I just listed:
â You meeting my parents- I felt so much pride and I was so glad when my parents loved you â Coming round on Boxing Day- it was an amazing day â New Yearâs Eve- welcoming the new year with you, hoping our relationship continued to grow â Our games of Bowling- you really whipped my ass â Our games of mini golf- always loved them, you won the best of 3- fair game â Valentineâs Day when I gave you that bracelet and that cheesy card haha, you gave me a lovely picture of us both and a lovely meal â The meals round mine- dad makes amazing pizzas â That night at the bar- Iâll admit cocktails are greatAnd the night Iâll never forget. I feel like that night, Iâve never been closer to you, our lovely meal when we were laughing together like thereâs no tomorrow, having a drink at bout to show you some moves. Going back to the room, was the strongest I felt for you, that moment we shared together was beautiful and that was when I was truly in love.
I still felt so strongly for you, I missed you every day on that trip to and I thought of you each day. Coming back, everything changed and I felt like we were drifting apart. I was blaming myself so hard for what happened on my Birthday seeing you hurt- I felt like I was to blame. I still do now.
The day we broke up, still feels like a bad dream, it hurts knowing thatâs reality. It hurts more knowing I was fighting for us whilst you were drifting away from me, it broke my heart, I felt like you gave up on me. I know we agreed but honestly I wasnât happy, I thought ending things amicably was better for both of us but I guess it only really helped you. Iâm not blaming you, thatâs not fair to do that, you had your reasons and I understand completely why you werenât happy with me no more.
The reasons why we didnât work out: the communication, not understanding your job and the fact we werenât moving forward. Iâve had time to self-reflect and I now understand why I was the way I was.
I was always hard on myself when it came to, well everything namely my job, my college work, my future, etc. I always questioned whether I was doing enough, whether Iâd reach my full potential and being afraid of making mistakes. Those insecurities invaded the relationship and itâs why sometimes my communication was poor and why I sometimes was silent. Itâs cause I stressed myself out over something that wasnât a concern. Thatâs also why I would forget things or struggle listening, since I let that go Iâm now much better.
When it came to your job, I did understand that you had to work different shifts compared to my job and I knew that. I guess because I stepped up on my communication I guess I was expecting more from you whether it was unrealistic or not.
Now I wonât lie, I guess I was also dissatisfied with some things with you and I felt frustrated at times.
I knew that you were awkward with physical intimacy and I understood. I did try my best to still show you my affection and make you feel loved. I felt rejected at times whenever you would shrug me off when it came to hugging or holding hands whether it was in front of my parents or even between us, when you didnât reciprocate, it left me feeling uncertain at times.
Your sarcastic sense of humour did sometimes rub me the wrong way, I guess I just didnât understand the jokes sometimes or I didnât see it as such.
I did think sometimes you were a bit selfish too, like on your Birthday weekend. I did feel left out and like you didnât really want me there, I absolutely understand your family should be your priority but I felt like you made it my responsibility to secure my place there and I felt it was unfair. I always considered you for every plan I made whether it was my Birthday or a future holiday.
Introducing you to my parents was also a huge step for me, I did that because I was sure about you. When you didnât do the same despite everything I did, I felt like you were keeping me at an arms length and like you were trying to keep me out of your life.
Maybe you were also a bit unforgiving towards my struggles with listening. I reckon working around loud machinery all day, every day has affected me a bit and Iâm sorry about that.
Despite those things, I still wanted to be with you and I was hoping with time weâd be the perfect couple. I was always eager to plan our next date, future plans for us too: holidays, events and I was also hoping Iâd meet your family one day. I suppose it wasnât meant to be but it still hurts knowing weâre not together no more, I still feel like I had so much more to give.
I feel like what we had was something special, it came at the right time, we are both definitely the right people and we had something amazing. I wished the problems we had didnât push us apart, I feel like we couldâve overcame them. If you lost feelings for me, I get it but it still hurts and I hope you understand.
Iâd give anything to talk to you again, simply just be with you again. I still hope, in my heart, that one day weâll see each other again, that this isnât really the end. Whether itâs at a coffee shop, a concert or in town, I still wish to see your face again, we pick up right where we left off. If we need to take it slow, I just hope we find our way back because things like us only happen once in a lifetime. I still miss you, your gorgeous smile, your laugh, simply just you.
If not, thatâs ok. I know youâre happy now, Iâm happy for you too, I wish nothing but the best for you. I just wished you could be your best with me. Iâm ok though, no need to worry about me, Iâm living my best life too and everything is looking up.
I hope this isnât goodbye but if I donât see you again, I hope you have an amazing life.
Iâm glad you heard me out, eventually haha, and Iâm happy knowing I got everything off my chest.
Thank you for everything and take care
2024.05.18 20:44 oatsiebowl I Change My Mind (Second Short Rant)
Introduction: Hello y'all. You probably know me as the "I Hate Kaorin" guy and you're free to still refer me as that. But after a moment of thinking and reconsidering, I end with the revelation that Kaorin, isn't that bad at all. I hear your messages and I slowly agreed with you regarding the status of Kaorin and her role on the show. She is kind of funny and wholesome at times and I will admit it from now on. In this short rant of mine, I will be going over my love and respect for Kaorin and repenting for my previous statements on my past.
Chapter 1: Funny and Good Character I decided to take your suggestions on how to view Kaorin seriously and gave it a try, best decision in my life. She actually ended up being a really funny character if I just didn't took the show way too seriously as one commenter suggested. Her behavior and erratic actions while still quite questionable, is actually kind of hilarious. I can recount how many times I've laughed at her when she's on screen and when she becomes the butt of the joke of a scene or even the whole episode. Her antics on trying to get close to Sakaki or when she wants to get Mr. Kimura away from her. She is also a good and caring person even when she would at times outright abandon her friends like Chihiro and others just to get near Sakaki. She's a good friend too as she still likes to help them out like the time she helped design the cat mascot on the first Culture Fest and of course, Chiyo's penguin suit =D. I cannot stress on how much I appreciate her for that.
Chapter 2: Sakaki Her struggles with Sakaki is actually a pretty good subplot for the show to where it can be a solid spin-off where we see the show entirely within her perspective as the show focused on the main 6 (or 8/9 if you include the teachers). Sakaki is just so cool for her imo as they are complete opposites of each other and a relationship (even just a platonic one) would be wholesome to see after they graduate. Kaorin's quest for her validation is just fun and cute to watch even if she fails all the time and Sakaki not even noticing it.
Chapter 3: Representation? Okay okay, I may repeat myself here at times but hear me out. Her representation and even her lesbianism specifically is still quite on edge for me. Yeah she may hold certain negative stereotypes, but she still has good characteristics like being resilient on the multiple failures to hook with Sakaki. I'm quite divided on this one as I see both good and bad stuff about her as I've stated before. But the most important thing to take here is that, her character is a lot more subjective. Yes I know, "just call it subjective and move on" ik ik, but that's all I can say. It entirely depends on your perception and view of her character. Boring right?
Conclusion: Kaorin is a lot cooler than I thought if you don't take the show way too seriously. She is quite wholesome and adorable when she gets to have her short screen time and I agree that she definitely needed more screen time and not just a lolcow.
submitted by oatsiebowl to azudaioh [link] [comments]
Chapter 1: Funny and Good Character I decided to take your suggestions on how to view Kaorin seriously and gave it a try, best decision in my life. She actually ended up being a really funny character if I just didn't took the show way too seriously as one commenter suggested. Her behavior and erratic actions while still quite questionable, is actually kind of hilarious. I can recount how many times I've laughed at her when she's on screen and when she becomes the butt of the joke of a scene or even the whole episode. Her antics on trying to get close to Sakaki or when she wants to get Mr. Kimura away from her. She is also a good and caring person even when she would at times outright abandon her friends like Chihiro and others just to get near Sakaki. She's a good friend too as she still likes to help them out like the time she helped design the cat mascot on the first Culture Fest and of course, Chiyo's penguin suit =D. I cannot stress on how much I appreciate her for that.
Chapter 2: Sakaki Her struggles with Sakaki is actually a pretty good subplot for the show to where it can be a solid spin-off where we see the show entirely within her perspective as the show focused on the main 6 (or 8/9 if you include the teachers). Sakaki is just so cool for her imo as they are complete opposites of each other and a relationship (even just a platonic one) would be wholesome to see after they graduate. Kaorin's quest for her validation is just fun and cute to watch even if she fails all the time and Sakaki not even noticing it.
Chapter 3: Representation? Okay okay, I may repeat myself here at times but hear me out. Her representation and even her lesbianism specifically is still quite on edge for me. Yeah she may hold certain negative stereotypes, but she still has good characteristics like being resilient on the multiple failures to hook with Sakaki. I'm quite divided on this one as I see both good and bad stuff about her as I've stated before. But the most important thing to take here is that, her character is a lot more subjective. Yes I know, "just call it subjective and move on" ik ik, but that's all I can say. It entirely depends on your perception and view of her character. Boring right?
Conclusion: Kaorin is a lot cooler than I thought if you don't take the show way too seriously. She is quite wholesome and adorable when she gets to have her short screen time and I agree that she definitely needed more screen time and not just a lolcow.
2024.05.18 20:22 PeaHot7302 Am I wrong for defying my mother
My (16f) mother (55f) and I have a good relationship until we argue I'm not talking mother daughter arguments where the daughter said I I hate you mom and the mom said go to ur room. I'm talking me sitting their while my mother stands there saying "ur a selfish bitch" "your a self centered cow" "your the reson I would committed su*cide" "ur horrible" " all elizabeth thinks about is elizabeth" ( i hate my full name as my father use to call me it when he abused me so i go by beth and she knows thi)"I hate you". Usually i try and avoid this but I forgot to take my medication for anxiety and depression yesterday so I was a little on edge. So when my mom was watching the television I came in about 5 seconds later and started watching my phone on lowest volume then my mother told me to go to my room but I said no then she said go get headphone but I was like I sat down 10 mins ago and the volume was not a problem... soo... then she went into the same song and dance about how horrid a person I am. Then she went to her room and told my 13 year old brother all about how "ignorant and arrogant" I was. So then today I said sorry as I felt bad as it was it was her house and that shit. Then she said she wants me to move out and never contact her again when I turn 18 in 1.5 years. Then I went out with her to a previous commitment and we saw my German teacher and then we got on to the subject of nurodiversity I am a nurodiverse human and she said "no one knew liz had adhd" and I said "let's be honest we all knew haha" and then my mom said that that was a personal attack at her and I just ment it as a funny quip ..... then we got home and my mom was like why do you never think of my feelings then that rly annoyed me and I said all the stuff she said to me last night and she said how dare u embarrasse me with the this the windows are open. Then she went to her room saying whatever liz what ever . Next the takeaway came she said "elizabeth the takeaway is here" and I said I'm nor hungry she then slamed my door. So am I wrong for defying mu mother?
submitted by PeaHot7302 to amiwrong [link] [comments]
2024.05.18 20:18 VasilisGRNP The source control N100 disposable respirator : Baianda EF600 NIOSH N100
 | Hello again, submitted by VasilisGRNP to Masks4All [link] [comments] Here's a normal sized review, unlike my previous exhaustive posts.It's about a - not commonly spoken - high filtration efficiency respirator. Hope you enjoy it. IntroductionI'm happy to introduce you the only N100 source control disposable of this shape on the market : The Baianda EF600 respirator.Disclaimer I personally chose the models i was interested in, as i thought they may be very good alternatives in respiratory protection. For all my new and old reviews you see here, i pay for the service/logistics/products. The only exception was Uniqon. Uniqon back in the day, volunteered to send me the samples, when i asked for distributors to purchase their products. Since that company mainly supplied hospitals/industries and didn't participate in the consumer business, it was impossible to find them online. For the Baianda respirators, i paid for the two masks + shipping fees + customs + vat. ΀his is an unbiased review, but from the perspective of a mask enthusiast. Baianda EF600 N100 About the companyBAIANDA is a professional company which is engaged in developing and manufacturing personal protective equipment. It's the only one manufacture factory in China that can produce P100, N100 level protective respirator and obtained P100, N100 NIOSH Certification. They are also the only one manufacture factory in China that can produce P3R level protective respirators and obtained CE Certification. Baianda contains a wide selection of products that meet different customer demands globally, with complete and up-to-date Safety Certifications. They provide a wide selection of products from half masks, particulate filters, to chemical cartridges, disposable masks and more, with complete and up-to-date safety certifications such as NIOSH, CE, AS/NZS, LA and more. The core business is:- PPE Research and Development Innovation - PPE Manufacture, Inspection and Technical Services - PPE OEM Baianda Headquarters Accreditations and Memberships - Committee of China Association of Work Safety Special Committee of Labour Protection. - Member of China's textile business associations Safety and Health Protection Committee - Executive director of Liaoning Province Association of Work Safety - Member of China Union of Personal Protective Equipment (CUPPE)- Drafting unit of daily face piece national standard. https://preview.redd.it/lkxigdfm611d1.jpg?width=147&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=65dcc11e774ca49f2984e4dcc0ea7d5a255f6ae1 https://preview.redd.it/l1b419x2c11d1.png?width=648&format=png&auto=webp&s=7766567e356b81ac3c8ddaab4eff06e072e97ee6 BAIANDA History 2006 â BAIANDA was established in Shenyang of China in 2006 2008 â BAIANDA first factory was completed and put into operation. â The first self-developed KN100 and KP100 protection level Non-powered air-purifying particle respirator obtained ăNational Industrial Production Licenseă& ăLA Certification (China)ă 2009 â Set ISO9001:2008 qualify system. 2010 â Developed Non-powered air-purifying respirators, Multiple filters, Combined filters 2012 â Approved P100 Respirator of NIOSH Certification 2013 â BAIANDA was awarded as âOne of the Top 50 PPE manufacturer in China â, âThe most popular labor protection products in Chinaâ 2014 â Successfully Passed the first NIOSH Factory Audit â Participated in the drafting of national standard ăTechnical specification of daily protective maskă â Approved the national âNew High-tech Enterpriseâ approval2015 â Passed CE Factory Audit and got half mask and A1 gas filter CE certification 2016 â Approved the second product OV - Organic Vapor Cartridge NIOSH Certification 2019 â Approved Particle filter P3R CE Certification 2020 â Approved N100 Particulate filter & N100 Facepiece Respirator of NIOSH Certification 2021 â Winning the recommended brand in the China labor protection industry 2022 â Obtained the certificate of occupational health and safety management system âNon-powered air purifying respirator OV/P95 obtained NIOSH Certification 2023 â Baianda Half Mask Respirator Full Series Products obtained Russian EAC Certification 2024 â Baianda has held CE certification for nearly ten years. At the end of March 2024, Baianda once again smoothly passed the strict CE certification factory audit. European Certificate for the particulate filters The company also provides OEM & DEM processing according to their customer's requirements. They have excellent quality product with the highest standard of service. https://preview.redd.it/ecweal20b11d1.jpg?width=711&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=00bcf17eea681f9f5014ca6ae80e586caf2ccfe1 N100 and P100 NIOSH filters A list of Bainda filters The N100/KN100 disposablesThe company mainly expertises in elastomeric half masks and filters, but they offer a few disposables in N100,KN100 and KP95 grades.N100 Model: EF600 Standard: NIOSH TC-84A-9243 Protection: N100 against non-oily particulates Filtering Efficiency: â„ 99.97%. Effective against particulate aerosols free of oil; time use restrictions may apply. Type: disposable Package: 1 pc/bag; 60 bags/carton The N100 disposable N100 datasheet KN100 Model: EF601 Standard: GB2626-2019 Protection: KN100 against non-oily particulates Filtering Efficiency: â„ 99.97%. Effective against particulate aerosols free of oil Type: disposable Package:1 pc/bag; 60 bags/carton The KN100 disposable The KP95 disposable Certificates Pricing and similar modelsI purchased both N100 and KN100 disposables for 9.83$ each. Prices found in China and US, usually range for 18$-25$, for unknown reasons. Maybe, those were the 2020 marked up prices. There's also a Baianda OEM N100 disposable, the Parcil Safety DR04 N100. Similar disposable respirators from 3M, such as the 8233 N100, 8293 P100 and 8835+ ffp3 are listed equally high at ~10$. Many brands carry the same shape in different grades. For example, the Jinfuyu (JFY) 4301 P100 and a few more.The competitors Hands OnUnlike the 3M equivalents, the Baianda N100/KN100 respirators have already assembled the adjustable straps. Therefore, the product is ready for use, without wasting any time. The N100 version has the LOT number printed on the mask and the KN100 alternative the LA China sticker, that means the mask can be used by Chinese enterprises. The large external nose wire isn't as 'beefy' as it looks. It's easily bendable, but it doesn't play a major part, as the whole sealing job is done by the 'sticky' gasket. The inner gasket seals great around the face and closes any gaps, preventing any leakage. Companies that have similar 'sticky' gaskets, such as 3M, Makrite and others, will have an advantage fitting many different faces and providing high fit factors.https://preview.redd.it/9u9drecn811d1.jpg?width=3993&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=04bd8ad27a0af01dc575d7eb6c4be50343116f8e N100 EF600 The breathing resistance is - of course - higher than the common N95/KN95/ffp2 respirators, but the construction of the mask somehow prevents a heat built-up on the inside. This respirator is suitable in specific industrial and healthcare settings, for workers who have to deal with very high particle concentrations and at the same time the source control is important. Cleaning the gasket and readjusting the super wide straps if necessary, may 'unofficially' make the mask reusable. Using the Baianda multiple times for short periods will likely justify it's price and purpose on a consumer perspective. Unfortunately, i haven't used any of the similar competitors from 3M yet to compare the size, fit and comfort. One thing's for sure, there's no unvalved alternative for this shape and grade, as far as i know. The inner gasket Pros - Provides the ultimate protection in disposable respirators, if it fits. - The only source control disposable at this grade (N100). - The sticky gasket used by Baianda, similar to other companies is something like a 'cheat', in a good way, to achieve a nearly guarantee seal on adult faces. - Even if the respirator is non reusable, under certain conditions and after cleaning the gasket, it can be reused. The wide headstraps will remain tight after use. Cons - Price is very high on this respirator and this also applies to it's rivals. - Accessibility is another issue, as there is limited availability in the US and only found in super high prices. The KN100 version in China was available at the JD platform, on their official Baianda store, similarly priced at ~ 18$ , but out of stock. - Pressure drop in top grade disposables is higher than normal consumer grades and the EF-600 is not an exception. - The problem with sticky gaskets is that they can become sweaty in hot weather. A big sealing advantage may result in some discomfort on the long term for this kind of shape, under certain circumstances. The big nose wire Fit Test ResultsI was curious getting the Baianda respirator, for the fact that i get excellent results in disposables with sticky gaskets. Most of the time, regardless of mask shape, i have side leaks on the right side of my cheek and less often around the nose, usually on small/medium sizes. My face is on the large size, therefore, for most of the adult disposables , i pass the fit tests, if the dimensions are right. A correct size is more vital for the perfect seal, regardless the shape of the mask to pass a fit test, at least for my face.The LOT of the respirator indicates that it was produced during 2020 and the expiration date on the package is on 8/2025.The overall fit factor for the N100 models was 8127 under the osha protocol. I didn't want to sacrifice a fit test for the KN100 model, since it looked identical from the outside. Here are the detailed results for the EF-600:
ConclusionBaianda is a serious company that mainly focuses in products for professionals on the industrial and healthcare safety. No coincidence NIOSH has given to them the N100 certification. Let's hope they can expand more in disposable respiratorshttps://preview.redd.it/ausuzgecb11d1.jpg?width=5975&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8fdc12214ebacd3b4ec1d3323d685af96837a77 My previous posts on Masks4AllMy top ffp2/ffp3 list (2021/2022)The most popular domestic KN95 respirators sold in China (fall 2022) The evolution of the 3M Aura: From the 90s to the Gen3 (December 2022) The perpetual search of 3M Aura-style competitors - iMask ffp respirators (February 2023) The authentication process of the 3M respirators (March 2023) The steps to the right direction for future three-panel respirators (June 2023) Filtering Face Pieces (ffp) in Europe you should avoid using & Frequently Asked Questions (EU/UK version). (August 2023) Introducing the new black Laianzhi HYX1002 KN100 (September 2023) Hands-On The New Black Laianzhi HYX1002 KN100 (November 2023) The upcoming 3M Aura respirators in 2024, the FMS Project , more ffp/KN95 mask reviews , modifications and the importance of the seal check. (November 2023) A dive into the East Asian respirators : The inner frames (April 2024) |
2024.05.18 20:12 A-long-dark-alley I had the perfect woman- and I blew it.
I am at a point right now where I am very close to just saying fuck it all
I met this wonderful beautiful woman, letâs call her Al, back in late July. She was everything I could ever ask for. Funny, smart, beautiful, empathetic, just totally understood me and made efforts to show interests in my interests. Everything was wonderful until October
I have an ex girlfriend who we will call Mega Bitch, or MB for short. MB is a licensed psychologist and also a sadistic sociopathic narcissist who terrorized me for a year dating wise and then strung me along for the next 2 years and used me for sex. She fucked my head up and it took a long time of being alone for me to understand my worth and feel comfortable dating again. She had been blocked on all outlets and I had not heard a peep from her since march of last year.
Well October this woman decided that the hiatus was too long and that she was going to get her fix one way or another. And broke into my home. At 3 am. And attacked me while screaming bloody murder. Cops are called because my roommate thought someone was being murdered
At this point I should mention that I had been growing psilocybin mushrooms and had been using those as medication to help heal from my trauma, and MB had known that this was the case. Cops come in, they interview her in my room and me down stairs. She points out to the cops multiple different items and substances that allude to me growing mushrooms and the cops get a warrant
This woman broke in and I get arrested. Within the next two days I have my entire world shook. My job finds out as I have missed two days now that Iâve been arrested and they let me go. My roommate is furious and kicks me out. I go from having a great job and a great place to neither before I even get out of jail.
My girlfriend Al was more than perfect in this moment. She showed up and cleaned up my place after the cops destroyed it. She trusts that this woman was not there because I invited her and she even rescued my cat and took her to her home. And then she without a thought allows me to move in.
I had never felt this level of just pure support. I come from a rough childhood and tumultuous relationship with my parents and this was just unconditional support and love. I struggle with trust issues and self worth and I went from being able to provide comfortably to completely vulnerable and in the gutter
Al looked arm me no different. She worked tirelessly for her family and myself while I attempted to recover from the shock. I never recovered
I had had substance abuse issues prior to this but when this happened I unfortunately dove straight in. I was hiding it from Al and getting high whenever i had the chance. Meth unfortunately was the drug I chose
Back in early march of this year I had received an offer for a dream job that I could provide for the family. I was thrilled. I even stopped using during this 10 day training program only to have my looming charges be the reason I was let go
I lost myself completely i start using even more and now I feel so fucking shitty that I begin to question if I am even desirable. I start shouting up and start messaging women while high as fuck and make attempts to meet up. I met one woman and within the first 3 mins have to leave because of the guilt. But every time I got high I felt the need to talk to womaen other than Al
I donât know why I couldnât stop. Iâd blame it on the drugs but it wasnât just that. My self worth told me that Al was too perfect and that she must hate me and must be doing the same thatâs how I justified it
Last night Al went through my phone and kicked me out. I deserved it. I donât deserve to be loved and I certainly donât deserve that love and I ruined it. And I am fucking distraught.
I donât want pity as I deserve none. I donât want justifications as there is none. I just want advice on how people would go about repairing this terrible thing Iâve done. I donât expect her to take me back. I donât deserve it. I just want advice on how. Can I shower that it was never her and it was always me.
I am very suicid at this point which of course I am. Iâm a selfish prick. I intend on checking myself into a mental hospital when I get insurance clearance and getting help for my substance problem
What can I do? Please if thereâs anything will jump offf a building to just have her not hate herself and be happy. All criticism is welcome and advice would be appreciated thank you
submitted by A-long-dark-alley to Infidelity [link] [comments]
I met this wonderful beautiful woman, letâs call her Al, back in late July. She was everything I could ever ask for. Funny, smart, beautiful, empathetic, just totally understood me and made efforts to show interests in my interests. Everything was wonderful until October
I have an ex girlfriend who we will call Mega Bitch, or MB for short. MB is a licensed psychologist and also a sadistic sociopathic narcissist who terrorized me for a year dating wise and then strung me along for the next 2 years and used me for sex. She fucked my head up and it took a long time of being alone for me to understand my worth and feel comfortable dating again. She had been blocked on all outlets and I had not heard a peep from her since march of last year.
Well October this woman decided that the hiatus was too long and that she was going to get her fix one way or another. And broke into my home. At 3 am. And attacked me while screaming bloody murder. Cops are called because my roommate thought someone was being murdered
At this point I should mention that I had been growing psilocybin mushrooms and had been using those as medication to help heal from my trauma, and MB had known that this was the case. Cops come in, they interview her in my room and me down stairs. She points out to the cops multiple different items and substances that allude to me growing mushrooms and the cops get a warrant
This woman broke in and I get arrested. Within the next two days I have my entire world shook. My job finds out as I have missed two days now that Iâve been arrested and they let me go. My roommate is furious and kicks me out. I go from having a great job and a great place to neither before I even get out of jail.
My girlfriend Al was more than perfect in this moment. She showed up and cleaned up my place after the cops destroyed it. She trusts that this woman was not there because I invited her and she even rescued my cat and took her to her home. And then she without a thought allows me to move in.
I had never felt this level of just pure support. I come from a rough childhood and tumultuous relationship with my parents and this was just unconditional support and love. I struggle with trust issues and self worth and I went from being able to provide comfortably to completely vulnerable and in the gutter
Al looked arm me no different. She worked tirelessly for her family and myself while I attempted to recover from the shock. I never recovered
I had had substance abuse issues prior to this but when this happened I unfortunately dove straight in. I was hiding it from Al and getting high whenever i had the chance. Meth unfortunately was the drug I chose
Back in early march of this year I had received an offer for a dream job that I could provide for the family. I was thrilled. I even stopped using during this 10 day training program only to have my looming charges be the reason I was let go
I lost myself completely i start using even more and now I feel so fucking shitty that I begin to question if I am even desirable. I start shouting up and start messaging women while high as fuck and make attempts to meet up. I met one woman and within the first 3 mins have to leave because of the guilt. But every time I got high I felt the need to talk to womaen other than Al
I donât know why I couldnât stop. Iâd blame it on the drugs but it wasnât just that. My self worth told me that Al was too perfect and that she must hate me and must be doing the same thatâs how I justified it
Last night Al went through my phone and kicked me out. I deserved it. I donât deserve to be loved and I certainly donât deserve that love and I ruined it. And I am fucking distraught.
I donât want pity as I deserve none. I donât want justifications as there is none. I just want advice on how people would go about repairing this terrible thing Iâve done. I donât expect her to take me back. I donât deserve it. I just want advice on how. Can I shower that it was never her and it was always me.
I am very suicid at this point which of course I am. Iâm a selfish prick. I intend on checking myself into a mental hospital when I get insurance clearance and getting help for my substance problem
What can I do? Please if thereâs anything will jump offf a building to just have her not hate herself and be happy. All criticism is welcome and advice would be appreciated thank you
2024.05.18 20:09 tiffforever123 [30/F]Canada Looking for serious relationship
Hey everyone (:
â READ EVERYTHING BEFORE SENDING A MESSAGE â
Young lady seeking a life partner to love and be loved in return . Dating apps are long and exhausting so I'd rather get straight to the point and be direct.
â PLEASE SEND AN INTRODUCTION AND PICTURE â
âIF ITS SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH DONT MESSAGE ME
If you don't think we'd be a good match don't message if you don't have the capability to communicate and get to know me .
https://imgur.com/Okqs2IZ
Send message via chat ! My Dm/pm doesnt work (:
I'm black , 5'3 , born and raised in Montréal , Introverted, Demisexual. Healthcare worker .
I'm kind , loyal , supportive and looking for the same in a partner who also values honesty , communication, commitment.
I want to go through life with someone that's willing to grow , heal , learn , openminded , We accept each other for who we are but are open to criticism and respect, love , kindness is the center of our relationship.
Location: Montréal Canada
Interests : working out , concerts , hockey fan, romance novels .
Looking for : life partner 28-40 Someone willing to take things slow , open minded , emotional available and can communicate must be a good texter, phone calls , video call is a must
Religious beliefs : Christian but mostly spiritual / liberal views .I believe in God
Deal-breaker: I can't date someone without a job , doesn't take accountability, doesn't apologize, any form of abuse will not be tolerated . Men with children unfortunately.
Likes : Beards, sense of humor, family oriented, liberal views , British accents . Puts 100% in all aspects of their life ( friendships, job , Relationships, mental health , self care )
I take pride in communicating effectively, effort being reciprocated so I expect the same in my partner.
I don't see myself living anywhere else so if you're open to long distance relationship keep in mind I'm not moving and if you aren't either then there's no point in us talking .
submitted by tiffforever123 to MeetNewPeopleHere [link] [comments]
â READ EVERYTHING BEFORE SENDING A MESSAGE â
Young lady seeking a life partner to love and be loved in return . Dating apps are long and exhausting so I'd rather get straight to the point and be direct.
â PLEASE SEND AN INTRODUCTION AND PICTURE â
âIF ITS SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH DONT MESSAGE ME
If you don't think we'd be a good match don't message if you don't have the capability to communicate and get to know me .
https://imgur.com/Okqs2IZ
Send message via chat ! My Dm/pm doesnt work (:
I'm black , 5'3 , born and raised in Montréal , Introverted, Demisexual. Healthcare worker .
I'm kind , loyal , supportive and looking for the same in a partner who also values honesty , communication, commitment.
I want to go through life with someone that's willing to grow , heal , learn , openminded , We accept each other for who we are but are open to criticism and respect, love , kindness is the center of our relationship.
Location: Montréal Canada
Interests : working out , concerts , hockey fan, romance novels .
Looking for : life partner 28-40 Someone willing to take things slow , open minded , emotional available and can communicate must be a good texter, phone calls , video call is a must
Religious beliefs : Christian but mostly spiritual / liberal views .I believe in God
Deal-breaker: I can't date someone without a job , doesn't take accountability, doesn't apologize, any form of abuse will not be tolerated . Men with children unfortunately.
Likes : Beards, sense of humor, family oriented, liberal views , British accents . Puts 100% in all aspects of their life ( friendships, job , Relationships, mental health , self care )
I take pride in communicating effectively, effort being reciprocated so I expect the same in my partner.
I don't see myself living anywhere else so if you're open to long distance relationship keep in mind I'm not moving and if you aren't either then there's no point in us talking .
2024.05.18 20:01 East_Construction857 My "friends" think I'm dumb and never take me seriously
First of all hi!Excuse me for my English I'm from Western Europe.Im 17 years old (girl) and I currently have 3 friends and 2 of them are girls.As a person I'm really akward and when I'm around other people I am always trying to be sarcastic and funny so I won't make them feel uncomfortable around me.This is my way to be normal around people since I'm neurodivergent and even tho I'm extroverted I don't know how to communicate this.As I said every "friend" I have ever had tells me straight in my face that I am dumb when I'm trying to say something serious to them.For example when we are talking about something and I try to say an opinion they ignore me like am not there so I cover it up with something sarcastic at they just laugh and say how stupid I am.Ive come to the realisation that I might actually be just dumb.And it's not only that they tell me this.My parents laugh about how dumb I actually am because I am preety bad at school .My friends never want to go out with me I'm the only one telling them to hangout.This make me feel very lonely.Anyways my problem is that this is making me very sad lately to the point that I don't do anything because I don't feel like I deserve to do anything cuz I'm dumb. I am failing in my sport and I've become very mean to everyone including my self.When I'm not in school I sleep.I am physically and mentay tired.I can't even think.The idea that I'm actually dumb can't leave me alone.I think being sarcastic is my way of masking?That's why they think I'm dumb cause maybe that's what I am showing to them?How do I make myself look normal?Even if I am dumb how do I make me look NORMAL.I just want a friend to take me seriously and talk with me about anything.I can listen to them i just want a friend.I am probably the problem but how do I get help?And get help for what for being dumb and autistic?lol
submitted by East_Construction857 to FriendshipAdvice [link] [comments]
2024.05.18 19:54 RoughAnteater412 I feel like i am not in control of my life, i dont find enjoyment in many things, what can i do ?
Hello, im 19m, uni student.
i have always been into a hobby hunt because i want to be dependant on my own happiness and not making other people the main and only source of my happiness, i have realised this problem 3 years ago, my best friend left me and stopped hanging out with me because i was too depressed and was not really energised so i was just a bit boring and he stopped hanging out with me to hand out with other friends, i dont remember why i was depressed but i remember that after he left me i felt 100 times worse, for 6 months i was almost always alone, i only had a mutual friend and we did not talk daily, i talked to her about the situation because well she is a mutual friend and knows him, she mostly put a chunk of the blame on me, saying relationships need both sides to put effort for it to work, she was implying that i did not put effort, which was wrong but then yes i stopped putting effort because ive been putting effort for a month and never got the same effort back.
after those 6 months, i have always been feeling like shit, i was around 15 but i dont think i truly realised how dependant i was, the mutual friend eventually got us back and he apologised and stuff, it has been almost 4 years now and he is my best friend, he is changed, i hated how i got back instead of moving on but i truly think now he is an amazing friend and has been with me in hard times.
a year after we were friends again, so 3-2 years ago, he started hanging out less and less, for valid reasons, i had to spend most of my time alone, and i did not know how, my days felt too long, unbearable. then i realised the gravity of the situation, i needed to do something and i need to know how to enjoy my own solitude, which is why i have always been hard on myself on trying having hobbies. i started going to the gym and cooking which was great and i still do that. and i have tried many other things but mostly, i did not really enjoy it.
fast forward to now, in my life, my close circle, there is 2 people, my best friend still, and a girl who i have been talking to for maybe 5-6 months now, i have feelings for her, and she does for me, i have told her how i feel a few months ago and she called me, i was scared but it turned out great, she said she feels that way too and she thinks im cute and blah blah blah. Thing is, we live very far away from each other, which is why we arent really officially a "couple". Like obviously she is more than a friend but still, we text and call frequently and i always have much fun. and i really do want to take things more seriously with her but i dont think now is a good time as she is having her finals and university entrance exams and also, sometimes i think if it is a good idea because of the distance, the plan is as we discussed if we do take things to the "next level" is to wait until we both finish uni (~2 years for me. ~4 years for her).
i feel like sometimes i am too attached, i really hate it, i have been like that and i know where it got me to, i dont want to be in that place ever again, i am genuinely scared. sometimes, like today and yesterday where i have not gotten a text from her, i dont feel good and i fucking hate it, i feel very pathetic, why can i not be content with my own ? its not like she disappeared or something, maybe because i already dont feel good and this is a plus to it, because it has happened more than once, one time she said she wanted to be alone for a time and it was around a week, for the first couple of days yeah i did not feel good but then it was normal, and i also started having feelings of hate, which i obviously hated, i get attached and when they want to have alone time i cant help but feel like they are tired of me or something, i hate thinking about it too much, and i know that if i just had a life with many things to do i wont be feeling like this, again which brings us to the hobby thing, i still go to the gym and cook but i would still have a long day not knowing what to do ALONE.
one hobby that i picked up and i hold it dear to me is cycling, i started cycling a lot when i was severely depressed around 2 months ago, it was amazing honestly, it gave me an hour of peace that i needed, just me and my bicycle and i go around my ugly neighbourhood listening to the songs my girl gave to me, i still do it but not daily, it is hard to do it daily because the time to do it is very limited, i can only cycle around 5pm so its a safe uv level and the sun is not too hot (it gets around 40c here) and i cant really do it after 7pm because the sun sets and i want to see the sun, i dont like doing it in the night. another hobby i used to do while i was depressed was building legos, i built a set and spent around a week, an hour each day and it was honestly great. i still have another set but i never got myself to do it, why ? i have a jigsaw puzzle that i am supposed to finish for like 2 months now and i never finished it, i have a big empty portrait in my room that the jigsaw puzzle is supposed to be inside, everytime i look at it it reminds me of my failure lol, i can just never get myself to do it, i tried it 3 times and got bored quickly.
i just hate the feeling of not having control of my own happiness, and many things that i do i do not find enjoyment in, even playing games which is like my main hobby for a long time, i cant enjoy it much if i do it alone, only with my friend which i hate, i feel like i fucked up my life and i dont really know what to do, its funny how i am in the exact same place kinda 2 years ago, i tried many things, playing the piano, drawing, making video games, boxing, running. i just never found great enjoyment in them and it always felt like chores, not hobbies, honestly the only things that i truly find peace with while i do them and it doesnt feel like a chore is going to the gym and cycling, maybe and other small things. But i just feel like these are not enough, i still have a long day and what ? chatting and hanging out with my friend or girl friend is what really makes me the happiest in my day but i just am afraid that maybe everything would fall apart and i will be alone, sometimes she would talk about how she doesn't really mind being alone for some time and she doesn't get too attached which makes me feel very insecure, 1- for how I feel like she isn't attached to me as much as I am to her and 2- for making me realize how fucked up I am, she doesn't realize how it is to me. i need to prepare myself, i need to be more dependant, to make the relationships healthier, to love myself more, but i just dont know how, many things are super boring, i really have problems with getting myself to do things, motivation and self control, does this maybe have to do with dopamine receptors ? i really dont know, what can i do ? i feel like i know what to do, which is focus on my life aspects like hobbies but I just dont really know how.
any comment would be appreciated, thank you all and have a great day :)
submitted by RoughAnteater412 to Healthygamergg [link] [comments]
i have always been into a hobby hunt because i want to be dependant on my own happiness and not making other people the main and only source of my happiness, i have realised this problem 3 years ago, my best friend left me and stopped hanging out with me because i was too depressed and was not really energised so i was just a bit boring and he stopped hanging out with me to hand out with other friends, i dont remember why i was depressed but i remember that after he left me i felt 100 times worse, for 6 months i was almost always alone, i only had a mutual friend and we did not talk daily, i talked to her about the situation because well she is a mutual friend and knows him, she mostly put a chunk of the blame on me, saying relationships need both sides to put effort for it to work, she was implying that i did not put effort, which was wrong but then yes i stopped putting effort because ive been putting effort for a month and never got the same effort back.
after those 6 months, i have always been feeling like shit, i was around 15 but i dont think i truly realised how dependant i was, the mutual friend eventually got us back and he apologised and stuff, it has been almost 4 years now and he is my best friend, he is changed, i hated how i got back instead of moving on but i truly think now he is an amazing friend and has been with me in hard times.
a year after we were friends again, so 3-2 years ago, he started hanging out less and less, for valid reasons, i had to spend most of my time alone, and i did not know how, my days felt too long, unbearable. then i realised the gravity of the situation, i needed to do something and i need to know how to enjoy my own solitude, which is why i have always been hard on myself on trying having hobbies. i started going to the gym and cooking which was great and i still do that. and i have tried many other things but mostly, i did not really enjoy it.
fast forward to now, in my life, my close circle, there is 2 people, my best friend still, and a girl who i have been talking to for maybe 5-6 months now, i have feelings for her, and she does for me, i have told her how i feel a few months ago and she called me, i was scared but it turned out great, she said she feels that way too and she thinks im cute and blah blah blah. Thing is, we live very far away from each other, which is why we arent really officially a "couple". Like obviously she is more than a friend but still, we text and call frequently and i always have much fun. and i really do want to take things more seriously with her but i dont think now is a good time as she is having her finals and university entrance exams and also, sometimes i think if it is a good idea because of the distance, the plan is as we discussed if we do take things to the "next level" is to wait until we both finish uni (~2 years for me. ~4 years for her).
i feel like sometimes i am too attached, i really hate it, i have been like that and i know where it got me to, i dont want to be in that place ever again, i am genuinely scared. sometimes, like today and yesterday where i have not gotten a text from her, i dont feel good and i fucking hate it, i feel very pathetic, why can i not be content with my own ? its not like she disappeared or something, maybe because i already dont feel good and this is a plus to it, because it has happened more than once, one time she said she wanted to be alone for a time and it was around a week, for the first couple of days yeah i did not feel good but then it was normal, and i also started having feelings of hate, which i obviously hated, i get attached and when they want to have alone time i cant help but feel like they are tired of me or something, i hate thinking about it too much, and i know that if i just had a life with many things to do i wont be feeling like this, again which brings us to the hobby thing, i still go to the gym and cook but i would still have a long day not knowing what to do ALONE.
one hobby that i picked up and i hold it dear to me is cycling, i started cycling a lot when i was severely depressed around 2 months ago, it was amazing honestly, it gave me an hour of peace that i needed, just me and my bicycle and i go around my ugly neighbourhood listening to the songs my girl gave to me, i still do it but not daily, it is hard to do it daily because the time to do it is very limited, i can only cycle around 5pm so its a safe uv level and the sun is not too hot (it gets around 40c here) and i cant really do it after 7pm because the sun sets and i want to see the sun, i dont like doing it in the night. another hobby i used to do while i was depressed was building legos, i built a set and spent around a week, an hour each day and it was honestly great. i still have another set but i never got myself to do it, why ? i have a jigsaw puzzle that i am supposed to finish for like 2 months now and i never finished it, i have a big empty portrait in my room that the jigsaw puzzle is supposed to be inside, everytime i look at it it reminds me of my failure lol, i can just never get myself to do it, i tried it 3 times and got bored quickly.
i just hate the feeling of not having control of my own happiness, and many things that i do i do not find enjoyment in, even playing games which is like my main hobby for a long time, i cant enjoy it much if i do it alone, only with my friend which i hate, i feel like i fucked up my life and i dont really know what to do, its funny how i am in the exact same place kinda 2 years ago, i tried many things, playing the piano, drawing, making video games, boxing, running. i just never found great enjoyment in them and it always felt like chores, not hobbies, honestly the only things that i truly find peace with while i do them and it doesnt feel like a chore is going to the gym and cycling, maybe and other small things. But i just feel like these are not enough, i still have a long day and what ? chatting and hanging out with my friend or girl friend is what really makes me the happiest in my day but i just am afraid that maybe everything would fall apart and i will be alone, sometimes she would talk about how she doesn't really mind being alone for some time and she doesn't get too attached which makes me feel very insecure, 1- for how I feel like she isn't attached to me as much as I am to her and 2- for making me realize how fucked up I am, she doesn't realize how it is to me. i need to prepare myself, i need to be more dependant, to make the relationships healthier, to love myself more, but i just dont know how, many things are super boring, i really have problems with getting myself to do things, motivation and self control, does this maybe have to do with dopamine receptors ? i really dont know, what can i do ? i feel like i know what to do, which is focus on my life aspects like hobbies but I just dont really know how.
any comment would be appreciated, thank you all and have a great day :)
2024.05.18 19:49 afterandalasia Oxventure Overall: The Good and the Bad (Spoilers for the whole run!)
So, I'm seeing some mixed reactions to the last season, and honestly I'm feeling them myself as well, so I decided to sit down and sort of breakdown and analyse some of what happened over the course of Oxventure, what seemed to go well and what didn't, and maybe try to get into some litcrit of the whole thing.
Warning: I'm not always nice in this write up, though I have done my best to be fair and honest throughout in what I think the potential pitfalls were and how I hope they might be better addressed in future campaigns.
I've played D&D myself for a few years, listened to other Actual Play series (notably NADDPOD and some D20 at one end of the competency-of-players scale, and Dragon Friends and Dungeons and Drongos at the other), and write... a lot. Including over 250k of fanfic specifically for Oxventure, which started off as an excuse for smut but ended up being a lot of worldbuilding.
It was also clear that at times, none of the group seemed to know the game and the rules super well. From Mike not knowing his movement speed ("30 what? Miles an hour?") to Merilwen not using her animal forms or changing out her spells until level 8, to the underpowering of most of the classes, it became more of an issue as time when on in some ways.
It's easy enough to understand why, live on stage and starry-eyed at Harry McEntire as Aubrey, Johnny missed that in the combat Aubrey cast two levelled spells in the same round (against the rules) as well as using two sorcery spell modifiers in the same round (also against the rules, and they mentioned this on the podcast). Sorcerer was also a new class to everyone, and dealing with a new class is always going to be difficult, especially dropping them in at a higher level rather than starting from level 1 and building up.
However, bluntly, most of the guild weren't using their class/subclass abilities to the fullest. Rules lawyer Andy did the best, so he gets a pass here, and Ellen got sharper with Merilwen over time to stuff like knowing her spell components, tracking her spell slots, and preparing her spells. However, the concept of Egbert as "a paladin who doesn't do paladin things" (quote from the post-Deadlands discussion) was ultimately really limiting not just for Egbert (Mike commented in one podcast episode that he felt he'd trapped himself in only using Egbert's abilities in ways that were funny) but for the entire concept of paladins - Max might as well have been a fighter in the fight in Gnome Alone that they took part in, and we never saw Shattershield fight at all. There were references to combat offscreen in Out of Order, but... that was it. (Additionally, while paladins can be poisoned, as poison and disease are different in 5e rules, paladins can pump out a LOT of healing, and a citadel full of them should have a lot of magical reserves to draw on as a result.)
And Egbert isn't the only one who was limited. One of the biggest features of Great Old One warlocks (which Prudence is, with Cthulhu), is that from level one they have telepathy within 30ft ("Awakened Mind"). Prudence went the entire campaign without using this. Although Johnny allowed the Message cantrip to be treated like this, allowing people to reply to it when RAW it is one-way only, this meant that Dob also essentially gained Prudence's power because he also had Message. Merilwen was limited in her animal forms and the spells that she knew up until level 8, and it was noticeable how everyone was shocked at her power once she had full RAW druid range. CorazĂłn, on the other hand, not only had Andy keeping on top of all of his class and subclass features, but got two subclasses, leaving him about on par or slightly overpowered for the level he should have been looking overpowered because the others didn't use their abilities so well. Meanwhile, Dob was given access to full bardic abilities, but only used bardic inspiration in some of their level 1 adventures and then not much again until the final season.
The counterpart to this under-utilisation of class potential was the amount of 'rule of cool' or 'rule of funny' which sometimes worked well (Merilwen befriending the owlbear in Quiet Riot, or the reflavouring of Thunder Wave to do lightning damage instead based on their initial misunderstanding) and sometimes ended up breaking the game (the "everyone can cast Moonbeam" joke that escalated to the scrolls of Moonbeam that made the finale kind of laughable). Sometimes this seemed to be the time and audience pressure of live shows (allowing Prudence to use the hammer to wheel her way through the skeletons in Stop Hammer Time), but other times it was just letting them do things that went outside the rules (Egbert body-slamming six(?) Otherberts at once in Bad Altitude, or Dob casting all his spells at once in Corpse and Robbers) seemingly preferring the immediate humour or "yes and" over the potential internal logic or end implications.
The contrast between this permissiveness, sometimes to the point of breaking logical immersion, honestly seemed sharper to me when it was laid against Andy's GMing in Deadlands. Whether it was reminding people that there were snipers on the rooftops in Dead Man's Worth or refusing to yes-and a chandelier in More Wonders Than, he made it more difficult for the players and in doing so made them work harder within their skillsets and the setting, making the victories feel harder-won as a result. I'm aware that some people didn't like Andy's GMing specifically because he was less permissive, but I believe that his intention - and the outcome - was a stronger narrative that made the characters feel active and not just lucky. (Liliana lampshaded this in Frenemy at the Gates when she asked whether things often just fell into their laps, like with knowing Binbag, and it almost felt like a spiteful comment so it surprised me to hear it from Johnny.)
What I hope: It has been indicated that Johnny has created the new setting for the next game, so hopefully they have put things more to their liking at the beginning and will not end up seeming to dunk on the premise of their own series. I'm also hoping for everyone to either use more standardised rules, or at least establish in-game standards at the beginning so that all of the characters, and players, feel like they're on a level playing field from the off. Johnny seemed to much more enjoy the systems of Blades in the Dark and Deadlands (which were designed to be less superhero-level) and even the lower levels of Oxventure (especially Tier 1) where the characters were just people who were skilled but not particularly out of the range of normality; I'd be interested to see whether they lean more in that direction and keep the characters lower-powered as a result.
CorazĂłn - in my opinion, CorazĂłn had one of the stronger character arcs, which may reflect Andy's interest in writing (and now being published!), going from the coward pirate-wannabe who abandoned his crew to the curse, to the person who threw himself in front of a spell meant for Merilwen. This was highlighted in his reply to Them in Prism Break, even before the Power Word Kill spell. In fact, the Power Word Kill brought a level of pathos to the fact that he had told Them that he was not even done growing as a person. Andy commented on the podcast at some point that he had expected at the beginning to be one of the more morally shady characters (as a pirate), but found himself playing a line of being immoral regarding money but caring deeply about physical hurt or harm to people. CorazĂłn also had two layers of in-character goals - to break the curse (limited) and to become a betterichereal pirate (more open-ended) and find his own identity which allowed him to carry character development over the years even when the curse was ignored for extended periods. Goals: clear and stepped, with the curse as a plot-hook; arc: good and perfectly timed for the finale.
What I hope for: More of the same, really.
Dob - Dob came in early with a clearly defined goal (to find his sister) - but this was done in Brawl of the Wild and Dob has been sort of... undefined ever since. It absolutely makes sense that he would have floundered for a while, but Dob has gone several years without settling on new goal, and Luke also didn't seem to settle on a character arc (the romance subplot in Orbpocalypse Saga through Bride or Die seemed to be almost a character arc, but never got full payoff?) which left Dob feeling... well, at times it almost seemed like Luke wanted to get rid of him to play someone else instead. This was unfortunately also highlighted in conversation with Them, as the response that Dob gave was about him being a "mote of chaos". I obviously couldn't speak for others, but I found this underwhelming and unconvincing as an answer, as it didn't give me any sense of why a powerful celestial being would consider this an argument - if Dob had developed the argument to be that chaos is generative and creative in a way that pure order cannot be, and/or that the free will and agency of sapience demand that they be allowed to act and to try even if they make mistakes or fail, I think there might have been something there, but he didn't really seem to. Goals: had one which formed a good plot-hook, then went without; arc: unclear.
What I hope for: Luke to determine more of a character arc, or series of shorter arcs, perhaps drawing from his Blades in the Dark DMing experience, and to either pick a more open-ended goal or to move along a series of goals over time.
Egbert - Egbert came in with the vaguer goal of "atonement", which gave him more wiggle room, but unfortunately didn't seem to actively pursue it a lot of the time. In Legacy of Dragons it was revealed that he was searching for atonement for the deaths of two Dragon D'Or members - but by this time, so many people around the Oxventurers had died, including innocent bystanders, that the deaths of two other paladins felt like nothing. (Mike commented, again on the podcast, that he agreed with the commenters at the time who agreed that they knew it was his backstory from the beginning because only two paladins had died. The two figure paled next to the collateral damage that the party later caused.) Mike also commented on the podcast that during lockdown, he had made a conscious change with Egbert in to try to avoid combat as much as possible, and to avoid fatal attacks if in combat, but it wasn't clear how long that lasted. It may have been trying to avoid being the annoying/preachy paladin that stopped him from trying to influence the rest of the party or to save lives around them, but unfortunately it meant that it was difficult to see a real sense of wanting to atone in Egbert's arc. Letting innocents die around him isn't exactly less culpable than killing them himself. (Notable incidents included Mule Be Sorry, Wrangle in the Tangle, Hag Reflex, and Squid Pro Quo.) In terms of character arcs, there was definitely an element of going from seeking approval from Dragon D'Or to seeking that of his friends, but that was just a switching of approval-seeking rather than a significant change. Goals: had one, but didn't seem to actively pursue it; arc: moved from pursuing the morals of Dragon D'Or to pursuing the morals of the Oxventurers.
What I hope for: Mike to come back with a character who seeks to pursue their own goals more directly (see Barnaby and Silas, who both felt much stronger in this sense).
Merilwen - Merilwen was supposed to be about balance and protecting nature, but didn't always heavily engage with this point of view, even when the actions of the other Oxventurers should have absolutely led to discussions or disagreements between them. Many people commented on Andy being dickish about shooting seabirds in Legacy of Dragons, but there are other incidents, including the Wrangle in the Tangle (again), Eldritch or Die Trying (where it would have been interesting to see Merilwen's preference for nature clash with the need for the crystal) and the Extinction season which seemed to veer between being set up to be about Merilwen, then swapping to Dob-centric, then cleaning up Corazon's curse. In terms of character arc, I think there might be an element that can be teased out about her not fitting in with elf society and fitting in better with the faster-paced, more chaotic world of shorter-lived peoples, but this feels like speculation on my part more than something intended. Naturally, a character of around 100 is not going to feel as suited to a coming-of-age story as younger ones, but characters of all ages should be able to have character arcs. (Even if they might be slower in longer-lived people like elves - an example I can go to here is Galadriel, from Tolkien, who in her youth was proud and refused a pardon that would have allowed her to return to Valinor, but at the end of LOTR is humble enough to accept and go there. It took millennia for her, but it was a character arc all the same!) In Merilwen's conversation with Them, her uncertainty seemed to talk to this - a lack of clarity about where her characterisation was supposed to have gone over the last few years. I think there was a real opportunity here to explore Merilwen's relationship with morality and the difference between neutrality and passiveness, which unfortunately was missed. Goals: was supposed to be about nature but didn't push for it; arc: [speculation] seeking a non-elven community that she matched better with.
What I hope for: Ellen to have a character with more defined goals or arc, or gaps still to be filled in, rather than a static momentary sketch of personality/character that doesn't feel designed to be changed over time. Again, Lilith with her secrets/looking into the paranormal, and Edie with her goal to help people in a world in which monsters aren't going away, felt stronger as characters with goals and arcs, and I'd be happy to see more of that.
Prudence - Ambitious from the off, Prudence never actually struggled for goals - power, knowledge, magic, influence. The open-endedness of these goals once again served Prudence pretty well for carrying her through individual adventures/games and over the course of the whole canon, even if she didn't come in with clearly-defined (plot hook) goals like CorazĂłn's curse. For the first few years, it felt that her character arc wasn't hugely significant, although there was certainly an element of found family over selfishness that played into it, but Jane also discussed (again, in the podcast) how the werebear element was really quite exciting for her as it allowed her to begin to explore the clash between werebear Lawful Good status and Prudence's usual Chaotic Evil desires. Eldritch or Die Trying explored this in a somewhat exaggerated way, with Cthulhu offering power in exchange for the destruction of the others (I suspect in Prudence's question about specifying people, she was trying to figure out whether she could kill just Liliana) which was a somewhat blatant nod to the character arc but did underline it. (Unlike the others, this also established Prudence's character arc before Them.) Goals: open-ended in a way that leaves them technically incomplete even now but which were stably useful throughout canon; arc: de-isolation and alignment shifting (in a way that should have been ripe for playing off against Liliana's) which played out well.
What I hope for: A character with perhaps some more specific or plot-hook goals as well as broader life goals. Prudence's character arc played out more subtly than CorazĂłn's and sometimes perhaps got lost behind the louder personalities of some of the others, but I do think was well done. A less obvious way to explore or demonstrate it would have been nice.
Liliana - So. Here we go. Liliana was essentially a DMPC for the last season, but was a recurring character before that, with a stated goal of subjecting part or all of G'eth and broader goals (indicated or stated in Prism Break and the finale season generally) of academic/scholarly improvement, arcane knowledge, and the notion of making people appreciate what they have by threatening to take it from them. As a villain, she was threatening, and the layering of goals once again worked here, even with the abrupt movement to 'save G'eth' in the last season because, well, you can't rule what no longer exists. However, I am honestly confused as to what her character arc was supposed to be - whether her stated change of heart in front of Them was real, or whether that was a lie that Them somehow did not call out or challenge. Considering in Frenemy at the Gates, Liliana says that Prudence is the most like her, there was a potential here to play against Prudence's character arc of coming to trust others, even appreciate others, and facing the consequences of suffering making her realise her own flawed logic. I really do not know whether her betrayal of the guild was planned from the beginning (in which case, her talking to Them feels like it was overplayed, and Them should have challenged her on it) or whether Johnny added it because the fight against the giant was over more quickly than anticipated (compare to Dine Hard where the chef was the one person they did not stat up because they didn't expect the guild to fight him). Goals: logical, stepped, and worked for a villain; arc: ????? was there an arc? Was it fake? Was it desperation? Why did she, on 1 hitpoint, try to Power Word Kill Prudence instead of Teleporting away?
What I hope for: I don't know, with this one, really. Liliana's weird arc feels more related to the odd pacing of the last season than an underlying characterisation issue, for me, so I think it's more related to pacing/wanting Oxventure campaign 1 to close out.
I say specifically players here, because it was entirely in-character for certain characters (largely CorazĂłn) to think of themselves as the main character and behave as such. However, even if the characters think that, is generally considered good etiquette for the players to treat each other as equals, let each other take turns in the spotlight, and have their Moments.
Good examples would be the group letting Merilwen be the main character in Peak Performance, Prudence explore her sundered relationship with Cthulhu during the Orbpocalypse Saga, or Dob showing off his acting bard chops in Dine Harder.
However, at various times, various people have overstepped. Sometimes in live shows where the audience response and excitement probably played a role (Rolling in the Deep) it's more understandable, but it also happened elsewhere. Mike got some flack for picking up the eyepatch at the end of Cursed Case Scenario and 'ruining' CorazĂłn's moment, but even Johnny called Andy out for muscling in on Dob's subplot in Court in the Act, and Life Finds a Dob was almost uncomfortable at times. There was also something of a trend of Dob deliberately acting against the party for unclear reasons (possibly meant to be humour?) - either running away from them in Life Finds a Dob, refusing to 'share' Corazon's body in Portal Combat, or his contrary behaviour in Hunter Pressure in not wanting to fight the hunters/murderers they were facing.
I'm not sure whether this trend of contrariness fed into the unclear character arc that I mentioned above, or the other way around, or whether the two just fed into each other.
The most extreme example of this was, undoubtedly, Dob jumping in on the shoot-off between Liliana and Prudence right at the end of Portal Combat. Liliana approached Prudence in Frenemy at the Gates because they were the most alike. Prudence was the one with the first kill of the whole campaign, using Eldritch Blast, against the party's wishes and CorazĂłn's protests specifically - how appropriate would it have been for her to get the last kill of the campaign, with Eldritch Blast, in defense of herself and her party and as retribution for CorazĂłn? But instead, Luke inserted Dob into the standoff and Johnny played into it, even to the absurd extent of letting the skeletons use Time Stop (a 9th Level spell) just to explain why Dob's whole conversation with them could take place faster than Prudence could fire off an eldritch blast. CorazĂłn's self-sacrifice and Merilwen's reveal of her Reincarnation spell was therefore also partially overshadowed by Dob sacrificing his magic for one more hitpoint of damage on Liliana rather than letting Prudence have her moment.
What I hope for: some of the lessons learned from other campaigns to lead the players to be better at taking turns, both in terms of people not trying to be the Main Character at inappropriate moments, players stepping up and into the leading role when it is appropriate for them to do so, and Johnny more actively monitoring the balance between the players and shutting down some of the more egregious behaviour
But it's consistency that is more of a sticking point, as well as the player treatment of the moral positions of the party. It's hard to know how to treat the morals of the party when they vary from letting a town burn for being slightly annoying (Mule Be Sorry) to most of the team being ready to forgive a hag who used to eat human(oid) children (Hag Reflex). This isn't just the players either - Stop Hammer Time used the murder of children as a joke, and marked a change in tone for the treatment of NPCs and civilians as not mattering compared to the preferences or comfort of the main characters. The skeletons killing the children wasn't even some sort of monkey's paw scenario about asking for there to be no more orphans in the town, either - it was just nasty shock value, in many ways. And playing this sort of thing for humour makes it quite hard to handle some of the rest of the series as a result.
There also felt like a dissonance, at times, between the objective morality of the characters and how the players seemed to want them to be treated. Prudence never claimed to be anything other than evil, from shooting someone with eldritch blast during the Spicy Rat Caper to enjoying Hammerdahl's necromancy in Extinction - Jane even indicated that she wanted to explore shifting Prudence's alignment post-Fast and the Furriest, which can be seen as Prudence is much less interested in random acts of destruction and seems quite happy to get her kicks scaring or torturing people (Silent Knight) or watching the gruesome spectacle at the end of Knight Shift. So Jane's plans matched Prudence's behaviour - a softening of her deliberately evil acts, but still happy to let others be evil.
For the others, though, it didn't always match. Merilwen's "True Neutral" label often felt more like passively letting her party members be evil, rather than actively seeking balance, Egbert was supposed to be on the search for atonement but regularly allowed or took part in atrocities, and Dob seemed more inclined to act on what the audience or Luke thought was funny (or even deliberately seeking to be contrary) rather than following a consistent attitude to morality. His vaguely annoyed "Skeletons!" and hands on hips in return to "It's orphans, boss" was clearly played for laughs, and in Mule Be Sorry he turns on the town easily, which then makes it feel strange when in Hag Reflex he objects to letting the hag live. Dob's infatuation with Liliana and Katie Pearlhead, both of whom have killed or caused the deaths of great numbers of people, also makes it harder to take his claims to morality at all seriously. The potential moral issues of Merilwen killing the Otherberts to prevent them from taking a message to Liliana (Bad Altitude) is turned into accusing her of "war crimes", but it is absurd in the face of how many other innocent bystanders the guild had killed or caused to die in other stories (from as early as Quiet Riot, in which the paladins were annoying but killing them was honestly overboard, to as late as Squid Pro Quo where Dob seemed to forget that five people had died and then brushed off the deaths).
NPCs also got hit by this at times, from the town mayor in Mule Be Sorry (again) who put his townsfolk on spike growth just to cross it, to the chef in Dine Harder who was abruptly made a cannibal to get a fight going, to the decay of morally Good characters like Captain Shattershield turning away from the Upside Down Mistmire when in his first appearance he had been willing to fight Death itself for being on Mistmire's grounds. It's hard to take seriously moral questions about keeping the Dragon Under Mistmire in its shelter, and the accidentally-caused deaths of two paladins, when the guild has been responsible for much worse.
What I hope for: an approach to morality that does not prioritise momentary humour over consistency; evil behaviour to be acknowledged as evil and owned rather than treated as protagonist-centric; a moral balance which makes it possible to really explore moral issues and concerns rather than extreme behaviour which then makes it impossible to treat conflict seriously. Legacy of Dragons, as a standalone arc seeking Egbert's redemption, exploring the protection vs freedom of the gold dragon, and considering how to improve vs break systems, had some really great potential - but because of extreme 'rule of funny' behaviour in the past, it was impossible to really feel that it had the moral gravitas and weight that it deserved. When the skeletons go from murdering a dozen innocent children (Stop Hammer Time) to giving Merilwen a bad haircut (Mean Gulls) and this is almost treated as somehow consistent in evilness, it makes it harder to respect the characters or the expectation of moral standards.
The Good: The humour, the quick-wittedness, the variety of stories. Roleplaying moments such as Egbert and Shattershield in Legacy of Dragons, CorazĂłn putting his old self behind him at the Curse Hole, or Merilwen saying "I'll make you" to Vex.
The Bad: Unclear character arcs, inconsistent moralities, underpowered classes but at the same time game-breakingly permissive DMing, and some Main Character Syndrome moments.
The Hope: Learning from teething issues and setting up a game system that the DM doesn't resent so much, to better enable people to balance and play off each other in a less jarring and more consistent way.
submitted by afterandalasia to TheOxventure [link] [comments]
Warning: I'm not always nice in this write up, though I have done my best to be fair and honest throughout in what I think the potential pitfalls were and how I hope they might be better addressed in future campaigns.
I've played D&D myself for a few years, listened to other Actual Play series (notably NADDPOD and some D20 at one end of the competency-of-players scale, and Dragon Friends and Dungeons and Drongos at the other), and write... a lot. Including over 250k of fanfic specifically for Oxventure, which started off as an excuse for smut but ended up being a lot of worldbuilding.
System & Setting
Johnny has made no secret that they're not a huge fan of D&D, indicating that they feel it overshadows other systems, and given that the Spicy Rat Caper was meant to be a one-off but fans loved it perhaps they felt a little trapped in the system. This did lead to some funny moments (Faire Trial and Max commenting that they sometimes felt "like a big dice rolling around a tray" sticks with me) but sometimes felt a bit mean-spirited ("Crawl Me Maybe" and the heavy 'lol dungeon crawling is so ridiculous' comes to mind).It was also clear that at times, none of the group seemed to know the game and the rules super well. From Mike not knowing his movement speed ("30 what? Miles an hour?") to Merilwen not using her animal forms or changing out her spells until level 8, to the underpowering of most of the classes, it became more of an issue as time when on in some ways.
It's easy enough to understand why, live on stage and starry-eyed at Harry McEntire as Aubrey, Johnny missed that in the combat Aubrey cast two levelled spells in the same round (against the rules) as well as using two sorcery spell modifiers in the same round (also against the rules, and they mentioned this on the podcast). Sorcerer was also a new class to everyone, and dealing with a new class is always going to be difficult, especially dropping them in at a higher level rather than starting from level 1 and building up.
However, bluntly, most of the guild weren't using their class/subclass abilities to the fullest. Rules lawyer Andy did the best, so he gets a pass here, and Ellen got sharper with Merilwen over time to stuff like knowing her spell components, tracking her spell slots, and preparing her spells. However, the concept of Egbert as "a paladin who doesn't do paladin things" (quote from the post-Deadlands discussion) was ultimately really limiting not just for Egbert (Mike commented in one podcast episode that he felt he'd trapped himself in only using Egbert's abilities in ways that were funny) but for the entire concept of paladins - Max might as well have been a fighter in the fight in Gnome Alone that they took part in, and we never saw Shattershield fight at all. There were references to combat offscreen in Out of Order, but... that was it. (Additionally, while paladins can be poisoned, as poison and disease are different in 5e rules, paladins can pump out a LOT of healing, and a citadel full of them should have a lot of magical reserves to draw on as a result.)
And Egbert isn't the only one who was limited. One of the biggest features of Great Old One warlocks (which Prudence is, with Cthulhu), is that from level one they have telepathy within 30ft ("Awakened Mind"). Prudence went the entire campaign without using this. Although Johnny allowed the Message cantrip to be treated like this, allowing people to reply to it when RAW it is one-way only, this meant that Dob also essentially gained Prudence's power because he also had Message. Merilwen was limited in her animal forms and the spells that she knew up until level 8, and it was noticeable how everyone was shocked at her power once she had full RAW druid range. CorazĂłn, on the other hand, not only had Andy keeping on top of all of his class and subclass features, but got two subclasses, leaving him about on par or slightly overpowered for the level he should have been looking overpowered because the others didn't use their abilities so well. Meanwhile, Dob was given access to full bardic abilities, but only used bardic inspiration in some of their level 1 adventures and then not much again until the final season.
The counterpart to this under-utilisation of class potential was the amount of 'rule of cool' or 'rule of funny' which sometimes worked well (Merilwen befriending the owlbear in Quiet Riot, or the reflavouring of Thunder Wave to do lightning damage instead based on their initial misunderstanding) and sometimes ended up breaking the game (the "everyone can cast Moonbeam" joke that escalated to the scrolls of Moonbeam that made the finale kind of laughable). Sometimes this seemed to be the time and audience pressure of live shows (allowing Prudence to use the hammer to wheel her way through the skeletons in Stop Hammer Time), but other times it was just letting them do things that went outside the rules (Egbert body-slamming six(?) Otherberts at once in Bad Altitude, or Dob casting all his spells at once in Corpse and Robbers) seemingly preferring the immediate humour or "yes and" over the potential internal logic or end implications.
The contrast between this permissiveness, sometimes to the point of breaking logical immersion, honestly seemed sharper to me when it was laid against Andy's GMing in Deadlands. Whether it was reminding people that there were snipers on the rooftops in Dead Man's Worth or refusing to yes-and a chandelier in More Wonders Than, he made it more difficult for the players and in doing so made them work harder within their skillsets and the setting, making the victories feel harder-won as a result. I'm aware that some people didn't like Andy's GMing specifically because he was less permissive, but I believe that his intention - and the outcome - was a stronger narrative that made the characters feel active and not just lucky. (Liliana lampshaded this in Frenemy at the Gates when she asked whether things often just fell into their laps, like with knowing Binbag, and it almost felt like a spiteful comment so it surprised me to hear it from Johnny.)
What I hope: It has been indicated that Johnny has created the new setting for the next game, so hopefully they have put things more to their liking at the beginning and will not end up seeming to dunk on the premise of their own series. I'm also hoping for everyone to either use more standardised rules, or at least establish in-game standards at the beginning so that all of the characters, and players, feel like they're on a level playing field from the off. Johnny seemed to much more enjoy the systems of Blades in the Dark and Deadlands (which were designed to be less superhero-level) and even the lower levels of Oxventure (especially Tier 1) where the characters were just people who were skilled but not particularly out of the range of normality; I'd be interested to see whether they lean more in that direction and keep the characters lower-powered as a result.
Characters & Character Arcs
Again, it's worth noting that the characters were initially conceived as being for a one-off game, so the initial concepts did not necessarily need planned arcs. However, the rockiness of some of the arcs overall may have contributed to issues with the series, especially as it stretched out over so many years. I'll go through the PCs alphabetically, then Liliana, then mention any other NPCs. There are two elements here - in-character goals, and character arc goals, which both play into things.CorazĂłn - in my opinion, CorazĂłn had one of the stronger character arcs, which may reflect Andy's interest in writing (and now being published!), going from the coward pirate-wannabe who abandoned his crew to the curse, to the person who threw himself in front of a spell meant for Merilwen. This was highlighted in his reply to Them in Prism Break, even before the Power Word Kill spell. In fact, the Power Word Kill brought a level of pathos to the fact that he had told Them that he was not even done growing as a person. Andy commented on the podcast at some point that he had expected at the beginning to be one of the more morally shady characters (as a pirate), but found himself playing a line of being immoral regarding money but caring deeply about physical hurt or harm to people. CorazĂłn also had two layers of in-character goals - to break the curse (limited) and to become a betterichereal pirate (more open-ended) and find his own identity which allowed him to carry character development over the years even when the curse was ignored for extended periods. Goals: clear and stepped, with the curse as a plot-hook; arc: good and perfectly timed for the finale.
What I hope for: More of the same, really.
Dob - Dob came in early with a clearly defined goal (to find his sister) - but this was done in Brawl of the Wild and Dob has been sort of... undefined ever since. It absolutely makes sense that he would have floundered for a while, but Dob has gone several years without settling on new goal, and Luke also didn't seem to settle on a character arc (the romance subplot in Orbpocalypse Saga through Bride or Die seemed to be almost a character arc, but never got full payoff?) which left Dob feeling... well, at times it almost seemed like Luke wanted to get rid of him to play someone else instead. This was unfortunately also highlighted in conversation with Them, as the response that Dob gave was about him being a "mote of chaos". I obviously couldn't speak for others, but I found this underwhelming and unconvincing as an answer, as it didn't give me any sense of why a powerful celestial being would consider this an argument - if Dob had developed the argument to be that chaos is generative and creative in a way that pure order cannot be, and/or that the free will and agency of sapience demand that they be allowed to act and to try even if they make mistakes or fail, I think there might have been something there, but he didn't really seem to. Goals: had one which formed a good plot-hook, then went without; arc: unclear.
What I hope for: Luke to determine more of a character arc, or series of shorter arcs, perhaps drawing from his Blades in the Dark DMing experience, and to either pick a more open-ended goal or to move along a series of goals over time.
Egbert - Egbert came in with the vaguer goal of "atonement", which gave him more wiggle room, but unfortunately didn't seem to actively pursue it a lot of the time. In Legacy of Dragons it was revealed that he was searching for atonement for the deaths of two Dragon D'Or members - but by this time, so many people around the Oxventurers had died, including innocent bystanders, that the deaths of two other paladins felt like nothing. (Mike commented, again on the podcast, that he agreed with the commenters at the time who agreed that they knew it was his backstory from the beginning because only two paladins had died. The two figure paled next to the collateral damage that the party later caused.) Mike also commented on the podcast that during lockdown, he had made a conscious change with Egbert in to try to avoid combat as much as possible, and to avoid fatal attacks if in combat, but it wasn't clear how long that lasted. It may have been trying to avoid being the annoying/preachy paladin that stopped him from trying to influence the rest of the party or to save lives around them, but unfortunately it meant that it was difficult to see a real sense of wanting to atone in Egbert's arc. Letting innocents die around him isn't exactly less culpable than killing them himself. (Notable incidents included Mule Be Sorry, Wrangle in the Tangle, Hag Reflex, and Squid Pro Quo.) In terms of character arcs, there was definitely an element of going from seeking approval from Dragon D'Or to seeking that of his friends, but that was just a switching of approval-seeking rather than a significant change. Goals: had one, but didn't seem to actively pursue it; arc: moved from pursuing the morals of Dragon D'Or to pursuing the morals of the Oxventurers.
What I hope for: Mike to come back with a character who seeks to pursue their own goals more directly (see Barnaby and Silas, who both felt much stronger in this sense).
Merilwen - Merilwen was supposed to be about balance and protecting nature, but didn't always heavily engage with this point of view, even when the actions of the other Oxventurers should have absolutely led to discussions or disagreements between them. Many people commented on Andy being dickish about shooting seabirds in Legacy of Dragons, but there are other incidents, including the Wrangle in the Tangle (again), Eldritch or Die Trying (where it would have been interesting to see Merilwen's preference for nature clash with the need for the crystal) and the Extinction season which seemed to veer between being set up to be about Merilwen, then swapping to Dob-centric, then cleaning up Corazon's curse. In terms of character arc, I think there might be an element that can be teased out about her not fitting in with elf society and fitting in better with the faster-paced, more chaotic world of shorter-lived peoples, but this feels like speculation on my part more than something intended. Naturally, a character of around 100 is not going to feel as suited to a coming-of-age story as younger ones, but characters of all ages should be able to have character arcs. (Even if they might be slower in longer-lived people like elves - an example I can go to here is Galadriel, from Tolkien, who in her youth was proud and refused a pardon that would have allowed her to return to Valinor, but at the end of LOTR is humble enough to accept and go there. It took millennia for her, but it was a character arc all the same!) In Merilwen's conversation with Them, her uncertainty seemed to talk to this - a lack of clarity about where her characterisation was supposed to have gone over the last few years. I think there was a real opportunity here to explore Merilwen's relationship with morality and the difference between neutrality and passiveness, which unfortunately was missed. Goals: was supposed to be about nature but didn't push for it; arc: [speculation] seeking a non-elven community that she matched better with.
What I hope for: Ellen to have a character with more defined goals or arc, or gaps still to be filled in, rather than a static momentary sketch of personality/character that doesn't feel designed to be changed over time. Again, Lilith with her secrets/looking into the paranormal, and Edie with her goal to help people in a world in which monsters aren't going away, felt stronger as characters with goals and arcs, and I'd be happy to see more of that.
Prudence - Ambitious from the off, Prudence never actually struggled for goals - power, knowledge, magic, influence. The open-endedness of these goals once again served Prudence pretty well for carrying her through individual adventures/games and over the course of the whole canon, even if she didn't come in with clearly-defined (plot hook) goals like CorazĂłn's curse. For the first few years, it felt that her character arc wasn't hugely significant, although there was certainly an element of found family over selfishness that played into it, but Jane also discussed (again, in the podcast) how the werebear element was really quite exciting for her as it allowed her to begin to explore the clash between werebear Lawful Good status and Prudence's usual Chaotic Evil desires. Eldritch or Die Trying explored this in a somewhat exaggerated way, with Cthulhu offering power in exchange for the destruction of the others (I suspect in Prudence's question about specifying people, she was trying to figure out whether she could kill just Liliana) which was a somewhat blatant nod to the character arc but did underline it. (Unlike the others, this also established Prudence's character arc before Them.) Goals: open-ended in a way that leaves them technically incomplete even now but which were stably useful throughout canon; arc: de-isolation and alignment shifting (in a way that should have been ripe for playing off against Liliana's) which played out well.
What I hope for: A character with perhaps some more specific or plot-hook goals as well as broader life goals. Prudence's character arc played out more subtly than CorazĂłn's and sometimes perhaps got lost behind the louder personalities of some of the others, but I do think was well done. A less obvious way to explore or demonstrate it would have been nice.
Liliana - So. Here we go. Liliana was essentially a DMPC for the last season, but was a recurring character before that, with a stated goal of subjecting part or all of G'eth and broader goals (indicated or stated in Prism Break and the finale season generally) of academic/scholarly improvement, arcane knowledge, and the notion of making people appreciate what they have by threatening to take it from them. As a villain, she was threatening, and the layering of goals once again worked here, even with the abrupt movement to 'save G'eth' in the last season because, well, you can't rule what no longer exists. However, I am honestly confused as to what her character arc was supposed to be - whether her stated change of heart in front of Them was real, or whether that was a lie that Them somehow did not call out or challenge. Considering in Frenemy at the Gates, Liliana says that Prudence is the most like her, there was a potential here to play against Prudence's character arc of coming to trust others, even appreciate others, and facing the consequences of suffering making her realise her own flawed logic. I really do not know whether her betrayal of the guild was planned from the beginning (in which case, her talking to Them feels like it was overplayed, and Them should have challenged her on it) or whether Johnny added it because the fight against the giant was over more quickly than anticipated (compare to Dine Hard where the chef was the one person they did not stat up because they didn't expect the guild to fight him). Goals: logical, stepped, and worked for a villain; arc: ????? was there an arc? Was it fake? Was it desperation? Why did she, on 1 hitpoint, try to Power Word Kill Prudence instead of Teleporting away?
What I hope for: I don't know, with this one, really. Liliana's weird arc feels more related to the odd pacing of the last season than an underlying characterisation issue, for me, so I think it's more related to pacing/wanting Oxventure campaign 1 to close out.
Player Etiquette
...okay, this one is going to be a little bit harsh, perhaps. But the main campaign, more than either Blades in the Dark or Deadlands, really suffered from certain players having a bout of Main Character Syndrome.I say specifically players here, because it was entirely in-character for certain characters (largely CorazĂłn) to think of themselves as the main character and behave as such. However, even if the characters think that, is generally considered good etiquette for the players to treat each other as equals, let each other take turns in the spotlight, and have their Moments.
Good examples would be the group letting Merilwen be the main character in Peak Performance, Prudence explore her sundered relationship with Cthulhu during the Orbpocalypse Saga, or Dob showing off his acting bard chops in Dine Harder.
However, at various times, various people have overstepped. Sometimes in live shows where the audience response and excitement probably played a role (Rolling in the Deep) it's more understandable, but it also happened elsewhere. Mike got some flack for picking up the eyepatch at the end of Cursed Case Scenario and 'ruining' CorazĂłn's moment, but even Johnny called Andy out for muscling in on Dob's subplot in Court in the Act, and Life Finds a Dob was almost uncomfortable at times. There was also something of a trend of Dob deliberately acting against the party for unclear reasons (possibly meant to be humour?) - either running away from them in Life Finds a Dob, refusing to 'share' Corazon's body in Portal Combat, or his contrary behaviour in Hunter Pressure in not wanting to fight the hunters/murderers they were facing.
I'm not sure whether this trend of contrariness fed into the unclear character arc that I mentioned above, or the other way around, or whether the two just fed into each other.
The most extreme example of this was, undoubtedly, Dob jumping in on the shoot-off between Liliana and Prudence right at the end of Portal Combat. Liliana approached Prudence in Frenemy at the Gates because they were the most alike. Prudence was the one with the first kill of the whole campaign, using Eldritch Blast, against the party's wishes and CorazĂłn's protests specifically - how appropriate would it have been for her to get the last kill of the campaign, with Eldritch Blast, in defense of herself and her party and as retribution for CorazĂłn? But instead, Luke inserted Dob into the standoff and Johnny played into it, even to the absurd extent of letting the skeletons use Time Stop (a 9th Level spell) just to explain why Dob's whole conversation with them could take place faster than Prudence could fire off an eldritch blast. CorazĂłn's self-sacrifice and Merilwen's reveal of her Reincarnation spell was therefore also partially overshadowed by Dob sacrificing his magic for one more hitpoint of damage on Liliana rather than letting Prudence have her moment.
What I hope for: some of the lessons learned from other campaigns to lead the players to be better at taking turns, both in terms of people not trying to be the Main Character at inappropriate moments, players stepping up and into the leading role when it is appropriate for them to do so, and Johnny more actively monitoring the balance between the players and shutting down some of the more egregious behaviour
Morality
This... isn't actually going to be complaining about characters behaving immorally or even being evil. Prudence is honestly a great example of how to play an evil character in a way that doesn't break a party, while CorazĂłn works as being immoral about money but moral about hurting people (at least most of the time). I've also thoroughly enjoyed some other games in which the characters have been far from moral (NADDPOD's Trinyvale series is a good example of this - the characters are scam artists, grifters and egotists, and the DM commented that "character growth doesn't have to be positive!"; they complain the entire time while saving the world).But it's consistency that is more of a sticking point, as well as the player treatment of the moral positions of the party. It's hard to know how to treat the morals of the party when they vary from letting a town burn for being slightly annoying (Mule Be Sorry) to most of the team being ready to forgive a hag who used to eat human(oid) children (Hag Reflex). This isn't just the players either - Stop Hammer Time used the murder of children as a joke, and marked a change in tone for the treatment of NPCs and civilians as not mattering compared to the preferences or comfort of the main characters. The skeletons killing the children wasn't even some sort of monkey's paw scenario about asking for there to be no more orphans in the town, either - it was just nasty shock value, in many ways. And playing this sort of thing for humour makes it quite hard to handle some of the rest of the series as a result.
There also felt like a dissonance, at times, between the objective morality of the characters and how the players seemed to want them to be treated. Prudence never claimed to be anything other than evil, from shooting someone with eldritch blast during the Spicy Rat Caper to enjoying Hammerdahl's necromancy in Extinction - Jane even indicated that she wanted to explore shifting Prudence's alignment post-Fast and the Furriest, which can be seen as Prudence is much less interested in random acts of destruction and seems quite happy to get her kicks scaring or torturing people (Silent Knight) or watching the gruesome spectacle at the end of Knight Shift. So Jane's plans matched Prudence's behaviour - a softening of her deliberately evil acts, but still happy to let others be evil.
For the others, though, it didn't always match. Merilwen's "True Neutral" label often felt more like passively letting her party members be evil, rather than actively seeking balance, Egbert was supposed to be on the search for atonement but regularly allowed or took part in atrocities, and Dob seemed more inclined to act on what the audience or Luke thought was funny (or even deliberately seeking to be contrary) rather than following a consistent attitude to morality. His vaguely annoyed "Skeletons!" and hands on hips in return to "It's orphans, boss" was clearly played for laughs, and in Mule Be Sorry he turns on the town easily, which then makes it feel strange when in Hag Reflex he objects to letting the hag live. Dob's infatuation with Liliana and Katie Pearlhead, both of whom have killed or caused the deaths of great numbers of people, also makes it harder to take his claims to morality at all seriously. The potential moral issues of Merilwen killing the Otherberts to prevent them from taking a message to Liliana (Bad Altitude) is turned into accusing her of "war crimes", but it is absurd in the face of how many other innocent bystanders the guild had killed or caused to die in other stories (from as early as Quiet Riot, in which the paladins were annoying but killing them was honestly overboard, to as late as Squid Pro Quo where Dob seemed to forget that five people had died and then brushed off the deaths).
NPCs also got hit by this at times, from the town mayor in Mule Be Sorry (again) who put his townsfolk on spike growth just to cross it, to the chef in Dine Harder who was abruptly made a cannibal to get a fight going, to the decay of morally Good characters like Captain Shattershield turning away from the Upside Down Mistmire when in his first appearance he had been willing to fight Death itself for being on Mistmire's grounds. It's hard to take seriously moral questions about keeping the Dragon Under Mistmire in its shelter, and the accidentally-caused deaths of two paladins, when the guild has been responsible for much worse.
What I hope for: an approach to morality that does not prioritise momentary humour over consistency; evil behaviour to be acknowledged as evil and owned rather than treated as protagonist-centric; a moral balance which makes it possible to really explore moral issues and concerns rather than extreme behaviour which then makes it impossible to treat conflict seriously. Legacy of Dragons, as a standalone arc seeking Egbert's redemption, exploring the protection vs freedom of the gold dragon, and considering how to improve vs break systems, had some really great potential - but because of extreme 'rule of funny' behaviour in the past, it was impossible to really feel that it had the moral gravitas and weight that it deserved. When the skeletons go from murdering a dozen innocent children (Stop Hammer Time) to giving Merilwen a bad haircut (Mean Gulls) and this is almost treated as somehow consistent in evilness, it makes it harder to respect the characters or the expectation of moral standards.
The Good: The humour, the quick-wittedness, the variety of stories. Roleplaying moments such as Egbert and Shattershield in Legacy of Dragons, CorazĂłn putting his old self behind him at the Curse Hole, or Merilwen saying "I'll make you" to Vex.
The Bad: Unclear character arcs, inconsistent moralities, underpowered classes but at the same time game-breakingly permissive DMing, and some Main Character Syndrome moments.
The Hope: Learning from teething issues and setting up a game system that the DM doesn't resent so much, to better enable people to balance and play off each other in a less jarring and more consistent way.