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The Beginning of my Descent [Lorepost Part 3]
2024.05.18 19:13 CatherineL1031 The Beginning of my Descent [Lorepost Part 3]
![The Beginning of my Descent [Lorepost Part 3]](https://preview.redd.it/8c06qddww71d1.png?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=6bbe7ddd2b8b39cfcd833a7fb4252a0169ab6677 "The Beginning of my Descent [Lorepost Part 3]") | Hello again everyone, I’ve decided to put the baking tips here this time. This is one that has been a huge help for me when it comes to cutting cakes. It’s much easier and cleaner to cut a cake when it’s been chilled for a few hours. So, once your cake has baked and firmed up in the pan (about 15-20 minutes, you want to make sure it’s set but still slightly malleable), take it out, let it come to room temperature, and then cover with foil or plastic or something to prevent it from drying in the fridge. Let it cook for a few hours to finish solidifying, and then cut. Also, if you have the means, a sheet cake cooks and cools a lot faster and more evenly and a cutter can be used to make perfect even circles. submitted by CatherineL1031 to wizardposting [link] [comments] Now, it’s a bit strange to start with the baking tips, I know. But, those are saved as a reward for making your way through my ramblings about youth and glory and adventures. This time, I wanted to put it here as a sort of apology for what’s to come. The last two stories have been very positive, very upbeat, very fun. However, the next century of my life I’m about to share with you all… I wouldn’t blame any of you if you looked at me differently, I’ll just say that. I’ll stop beating around the bush, and get right to the point. So, my immortality was secure, I’d have my perfect body for as long as time existed or until I was killed by a stronger, more capable opponent. I had a good group of friends who knew they could depend on me whenever they needed help with something, and I got to kick the ass of a lich! I had accomplished so much in just over 100 years of life, and now I had a supposedly infinite amount of it to spare if I played my cards right! I felt unstoppable, and wanted to help others like I had helped my companions. I became a mercenary, a witch for hire for adventures that might be too dangerous for parties. I stopped lying about my strengths, making sure it was known I held Master rank in two magic fields. Most people do not like to play the role of support, and it’s never a bad idea to have extra healing, so I started to hone my craft in Healing and Protection magic as well. I was a force to be reckoned with, and I would make sure the world knew it! I had wished to continue adventuring with my previous companions, but each of them had decided to take their own path in life. Har decided to take a more involved approach with his church, Ralin returned home to overtake her brother as chief of her clan, and Vex was heading back to the mountains to further hone her building expertise and learn to become an artificer for enchanting! It was sad parting ways, we had been together for such a short time but we had accomplished something so impressive! Oh well, that’s life, you know? I made them promise to keep in touch, and we did for the most part! Har became a bit hard to reach at times due to moving around, so it was always a treat to see him when I could. Anyways, I soon began to gain some fame. I was a topic of conversation now who had been promoted to expert in the matter of a month after I helped some newbies on their quests. I was someone who everyone knew was dependable and talented. Best of all, I was a cutie, and everyone loves to have a cute witch on their team! I had all but abandoned my previous life’s calling in favor of glory seeking, which is something I still look back on with regret. I was becoming more selfish, more focused on building myself up instead of using my powers for the good of those who might not be able to ever have access to these powers. The Phoenix Rebirth had become a popular spell among us in the community, though, so people were still getting help. I had published it free to all magic shops, all magical teachers, even sent the entire process and methods for casting it through the OrbNet before I left to go on my mission to fight the lich. I just wanted to be sure it was in the world, pending the potential worst. It was at a huge loss, but it has now become the platform by which a lot of Gender spells are cast, so it was all worth it. My time as an adventurer was amazing, I met so many cool people, fought so many horrifying and awesome beasts, even got to kiss a dragon! They don’t have lips, so it’s not the best kiss, but it’s still something worth bragging about. I felt so good helping people in a different way, and I was becoming more and more popular through the years. I was now Catherine, Lady of Flames, Master of Forms, a stable in the adventuring party call list. It felt amazing. The excitement lasted for about 15 years of being called to help on missions, but then it was quickly soured after a single mission. Nobody mentions this, but once you become a powerful enough fighter, you start to garner the attention of those in need of protecting. This is definitely not a bad thing, especially when it is someone who is in genuine need of it, but that is not usually the case. Particularly, you garner the attention of the wealthy, who believe all problems can be solved with money. I would liken them to devils or demons, but that isn’t fair to them…devils and demons at least have codes they follow. Anyways, one such noble approached me. Well, not actually her, one of the elves she had employed in her service. Her name was Duchess Cordelia, Lady of Farlon, Heir to the Rose Throne, Daughter of Zavier Goradel and Collector of Fine Arts. Yes, she made you say each one of those every time you addressed her, and in the correct order. She was…there’s a word I don’t like to use to describe her, a word that to me is very offensive but to others means nothing. I’m sure you can guess the word of which I speak, I simply refuse to say it outloud. She was, though, and a massive one at that. She had called upon me after an omen in the sky had warned her of an invasion by some of the forces of hell. It was something we all saw, and while it was a terrifying experience, I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t the coolest and most spectacular shit I had ever seen. Whoever had cast it had placed some illusion magic to make the sun look like a flaming skull that called specifically her and her family out. I still remember what it said because it was just that cool. ‘Cordelia, Zavier, Helena…you have toyed with forces beyond your control, and for that you will be punished…My legions will march on your town, turning it and everything your pathetic hands have dared to touch into naught but a fine ash. You cannot stop me. You cannot persuade me. You cannot survive…’ and then it was over, the sun was back to normal. Fucking baller move, right? That’s how you threaten some assholes’ life! So, I was called, along with Magnus Haradel and Desdamona Torres. Magnus was another high ranking member of the guild, an older Drow chap who still remains the most talented sword wielder I’d ever seen. His white hair was always tied into a neat bun, and he dressed simply. His armor was enchanted, but looked similar to any generic armor you could buy. He held a very respectable air about him, a sense of power that told anyone he could easily defeat them, but a calming sense that assured them he would only do it if he was threatened. Mona was an alchemist who concocted and brewed the strangest potions I had ever seen. Some of them would cause an opponent to explode, some would freeze them in place, some when opened and poured onto the ground summoned these giant venus fly-trap looking creatures with razor sharp teeth that would devour whatever she commanded. She was a half-goblin, parents being a full goblin and an elf. Their genes worked together very well, because Mona herself was truly stunning. She has black hair, lime green skin, and wore a long back robe that flowed down her slender body. More impressive, however, was that she was Archmage levels in her Alchemical field, the highest one could get back in the day. It was our job to protect Cordelia and her parents, Zavier and Helena. They would not share any information with us about what they had done, how it had pissed something off, or what to expect, but they did tell us we’d be ‘handsomely compensated should you survive’. Assholes…we needed information to do our job! Holes in information leads to holes in strategy, holes in strategy leads to unnecessary risk, and unnecessary risk leads to uncertainty and potential death! Ugh, whatever, it was just one job, then hopefully we’d never have to deal with them again and they’d descend into obscurity. So, the job was set. Magnus, Mona and I got better acquainted with each other and started to plan our defensive means and offensive responses. We had no idea what we were facing, how many it would be, where it would be coming from, or when! We had one of the five answers we desperately needed, so we had to do the best we could. Magnus suggested we employ the help of additional adventurers; clerics, paladins and the like who are good at protecting and supporting. Their job would be to round up the town to a safe location and watch over them until one of us gave the all clear. Mona and I agreed, and I decided to spread the word that the people needed to be taken to safety and guarded until whatever was going to happen had happened; he did threaten the entire population, so better to be safe. Mona started to lay a protective parameter around the Goradel mansion in the form of explosive concoctions that seeped into the ground and bottles of Acid Arrow that, when broken, would attack the nearest hostile creature. She had also managed to brew a few potions of invisibility for the townsfolk, given the guards potions of strength, mana regeneration, health regeneration and spell boosting, and gave herself, myself and Magnus potions of regeneration, potions of Free Casting (basically downing one allows you just have a reserve of mana to pull from without worry), and potions of Iron Skin that would give us amazing defense without slowing us down. She was a really, really talented Alchemist, even crazier was that she was only 30, very young for a half-elf/half-goblin. She definitely had a gift. I, meanwhile, decided to try something new. I had been toying around with a few things in my off-time, and with my knowledge of Shifting Magics I decided to try out something that could prove beneficial. I had come across many beasts in my time, some of them easy to understand and study, others so wildly complicated that it took me years of dissecting, studying and charting to get a solid understanding of what the hell was going on internally. I had taken some lessons from Grandmaster and Archmage Shifter’s who were willing to teach, and with enough practice I was finally able to harness the form of other, less common creatures! I had mastered the standard offensive animal forms like tiger, wolf, bear and eagle, but didn’t know how dangerous our targets were going to be, so I decided that we needed to go hard, fast, and leave no possible room for error. I downed the two bottles of Free Casting that Mona has brewed, and began my shift. I had again mixed my Phoenix Rebirth with these form changes, so the only pain I was receiving was to my mana pools. However, thanks to Mona’s amazing abilities, I was able to shift without trouble! I got down on all fours, and soon my size began to expand. My teeth turned from their normal human color to a stained and dark brown. My face started to extend forward into a muzzle, my teeth being replaced by sharp, deadly fangs. My canines extended further than the rest, creating a deadly row of fangs. My lips retracted back, and my face began to turn scaly and red as my face became more and more canine. The only thing unchanged on my face was my eyes, as they were my Keepsake (many Shifters have a certain aspect of themselves they keep permanent, no matter what, to remind themselves of their true form). The scales continued down, a large, fleshy tail sprouting from my back and extending out. From snout to tail, I was now 30 feet in size, but I was not yet finished. The scales extended down my whole body, but they looked more like regular sinew and flesh as my body was covered in a protective coat of blood red scales. My legs began to crack and bend as muscle appeared to support my now larger weight and size, and my toes extended a double set of claws on each foot. The form was complete, now for one final touch. All across my red tail, bones began to jut out like my sharpened fangs, covering it from my hindquarters to the very tip of my tail. It was definitely an easy target should something decide to attack my tail, but the shards and spikes allowed me to slice through weaker enemies that dare to try. Even better, I could slam my tail against the ground to loosen some of the shards and fling them towards my target. I was a true beast, an imperfect dragon known as a fanged drake. While not near as strong as a true dragon, I had seen first-hand the damage and strength they possess, and now it was all mine. Magic was a bit harder to cast in this form, but I still had access to Apprentice level Pyromancy and some support spells like Enhance Speed, Feather Fall and Enhance Ability. The stage was set, we were ready to fight whatever came our way. Magnus had enchanted his greatsword with every enchantment he could cast without overloading it, Mona held potions in her hands, and I stood at the front, smoke coming from my body as I waited. We were ready, we were going to defend these poor villagers and the shitty people who barely even gave a shit about their safety! We waited, and waited, and waited. Seems I had used my change too early, and turning back would just be a waste of mana, so I decided to travel into town and help with carrying or leading others to safety. I had modified the vocal cords of this beast to be more in-line with standard humanoid ones, so it allowed me to speak. It was just not very fun, given my voice was incredibly gruff and deep due to the creature's size. I ran to the guards, my now muscular legs allowing me to jump great distances, my long claws able to help me climb with relative ease. It didn't take long to find the groups and their protectors as they were leaving town. I jumped down to check and make sure everything was okay, and even got to meet Har again! He looked so much more mature, his black hair and green eyes showing a bit of age, but it seemed he was happy. We used a few minutes of walking time to catch up, and I got to hear all about his journey. After our mission, he made it his job to find undead who had been driven mad, and help them see the light again. He had seen many undead who had been brought back against their will, and many who suffered purely because they weren't allowed a choice in their rest being disturbed. He had helped them find peace, shown them the light of Theia, his goddess, and allowed them to return to their peaceful slumber in their designated afterlife. He had even married the cute man at the bar that I had convinced him to chat up, and they had a daughter named Athena! Apparently she was 7 years old and the sweetest thing, according to Har. I told him he better let me visit her once this was all over, and he happily accepted. Our sweet reunion was cut short, however, as the clouds in the night sky started to swirl and gather. Once again we saw the decrepit and harrowing skull that we had seen yesterday appear again. Except, this time it didn't talk. It merely let out an ear-splitting screech that rattled your very soul. A few of the people were so terrified they had fainted, so I yelled at them to carry all they could, and run! Fast! They were quick to agree, those who could carry grabbing the unconscious and those from my back with haste so that I could rush back to the mansion. I arrived right in the nick of time to see absolute hell spewing from the mouth of this skull. We heard horrid shrieks and cries of birds, the hissing roars of giant snakes, and the unholy screams of Abyssal Spiders. The birds were like Corvids, but towering in height. They easily reached 30 feet in size, their beaks sharpened and rigged with teeth-like bumps running down the entirety of their beaks. Their eye sockets were sunken and shallow, small eyes giving off a haunting and piercing glow. Parts of their body showed their exposed, fleshy bodies underneath. Their skin was red, and covered with scars, exposed bone and sinew from what looked to be countless battles. The snakes were unlike anything I've ever seen, they were black and blue striped, with arms and legs, and stood upright! They were not as tall as the Corvids, only measuring 15 feet tall, but they possessed a whip-like tail that flowed almost the same length as their bodies. Their mouths oozed a green venom that coated their fangs, and their necks were able to flare into hoods like a cobra. Finally, were the spiders. Along with being giant, like the size of a Clydesdale giant, they possessed hundreds of eyes across their entire body. Their fangs dripped with venom, and thick hairs were present across their entire bodies. Each hair on their back was able to pierce skin and inject with the same poison in their fangs, and their webs were known to carry a necrotic slime that would eat away at skin. We definitely had our work cut out for us, this horde of creatures was coming right for the Goradel residence and they were ready to kill anything and everything in their path. The crows rushed through, their massive size crushing smaller houses and easily breaking through larger ones that were in their way. The spiders simply crawled over them, leaving a trail of webs and venom in their wake, and the snakes…apparently their tails were going to be quite the problem, as not only were they long, they were sharp enough to slice trees, wildlife and building cleanly with just a single slice of the tail. We were truly, without a doubt, up a fucking creek with this one. We sprang into action as quickly as we could. We saw our foes pouring out, and our objective was simple protection of the village, her people, and the asshole nobles that caused all this. I ran right towards the spiders, knowing that they were the threat that could cause the most damage with their necrotic webs and flesh-melting venom. The smoke coming from my mouth started to turn black as I approached one of them, letting out a blast of fire from my mouth that quickly set it and its attempted web in flames. It shrieked as it skittered and writhed in pain, trying to attack me in retaliation. I was quick to slice one of its legs off with my claws, and sink my teeth into the back of its head. It gave a few more twitches and finally fell still. I threw it to the side as I continued doing my best to draw them towards a common area, minimizing the potential risk of them running out of town and tracking down the other parties currently in hiding. It worked very well, as once they notice a threat, they will continue to attack! The problem was, it worked very well, and once they noticed a threat they would continue to attack until it died! The horde of spiders was gaining on me, all I could do was use some flames to burn the webs they attempted to ensnare me with and use my claws to slice any that came from the front. I was not doing well by any means, but I was now at least within sight of my companions. My joy was quickly cut short as I felt a burning string of web wraps itself around my tail. I had gotten careless, and was definitely paying the price. If you’ve never been hit by necrosis, allow me to explain the feeling as best I can. Imagine a hot knife being thrust deeper and deeper into your body and feeling your cells, muscles, tendons and fat dying around it. Not just cut, or severed, dying with little chance to repair it without some heavy magic. If it goes around a vital part, like a shoulder, leg or neck, you will start to slowly feel yourself losing all feeling as it just falls. It’s a truly horrible experience, avoid it if you can. This is to say, I was currently in for absolute hell as I felt this experience being run through the part of my tail that carries most of my projectile spikes. I could feel each tendon snapping, my skin burning away, and the discs of my now expended spine starting to crack and rip. I had to make a choice, fast. My desperation led me to only one single solution; I knew the tail had to go. With a pained howl I raised my claws, and sliced clean through the tail on my back. I cannot explain how truly horrible of an experience this was, mostly because I think my mind has blocked it out to protect itself. It fell to the ground with a wet squelch, blood pouring out of the open wounds on my back. I sent a breath of flame onto the spider and his silk, and sent another onto my nubbed tail. Again, another experience I believe my mind has blocked out to protect itself! Don’t get hit by necrosis, kids. I ran to Mona, who was currently being swarmed by a group of Corvids, and offered my assistance. I was pissed, I was angry, and I wanted to kill! As one of them dived down, I jumped onto its chest and sunk my fangs directly into its neck. It let out a pained screech as I felt its blood fill my mouth, my claws wildly slashing at its chest through skin, flesh, bone, whatever I could scrap and slice, I did. I had truly let this creature’s feral nature take over my mind for the time being, but I did not give a damn, we needed to win. The beast fell back to the ground, and I let out another challenging roar to the other beasts nearby. My claws and fangs erupted in flames as I continued to wildly attack the ones threatening Mona, knowing I needed to protect her as she concocted and threw brew after brew onto what she could. Magnus was doing absolutely amazing, without a doubt the best of us. He was handling the snakes by himself, expertly dodging and slashing at them each time they tried to grab him, bite him, slice with their tails, or trample him. He would wait for them to attack and in the blink of an eye, whatever they tried to attack him with would be gone. Heads, tails, legs and arms started to litter the ground near him as he showed absolute power and authority. Mona, meanwhile, had been mixing something special while I distracted the snakes and corvids. Her alchemical traps had mostly been activated already, melted and bubbling piles of what were some of our enemies scattered through the warzone. She yelled at me to give her a boost, and I managed to snap free from my feral state. She held something in her hands I cannot even begin to describe. It was completely dark, but…empty. The energy that came from it was unlike anything I have ever seen since, it was like staring into the nothingness of space while being surrounded by it on all sides. She slammed it onto the ground, and the darkness surrounded her. Flesh and feathers from the Corvids started to break from their destroyed and lifeless bodies, attaching itself to her back and clothes. One of their skulls burst into pieces as it flew towards her, reassembling itself onto her face in a makeshift mask. Their bones and talons began to collect into her hands, and within a matter of seconds she was holding a powerful, pulsating scythe. In that moment I saw something I truly hope to never see again. I saw death. The truest form of death was standing before me, and its energy chilled my very soul. I could feel the contempt the energy had for me, as if it knew I had extended my life outside of its natural reach. She ordered me to come, and I knew I had to obey. I grabbed her with my fangs, and placed her onto my back. Her body was cold, I was terrified of what I saw before me, but so was everything else. I felt a hand rest onto my head, and I could feel…warmth. Mona reassured me that it was going to be okay, and pointed her scythe forward. I collected myself again, and sprinted towards our enemies. Mona sliced and slashed them each with one clean swipe from that scythe, each of them falling dead in our path. I used my flames to burn any webs that had been placed, focusing on the ground while she focused on taking down these enemies with the grace and power of a god. As I saw this, I truly understood how far the gaps between Master and Archmage truly were when it came to the arcane arts. I still had so much to learn… Our combo attacks came to a screeching halt, however, as we heard a pained scream from behind us. We both looked to where Magnus was, and we could see that he had been injured. One of the snakes had managed to sink its tail through his shoulder, and another currently had its fangs embedded into his side. We let out a scream as we charged towards them as they bit, stabbed, and slashed poor Magnus. I tackled one of the snakes off, sinking my burning fangs into its neck and ripping its head off in one solid motion. Mona jumped from my back, holding her hand out as she said…something, and the snake was turned to dust. Magnus fell to the ground, howling in pain as he regained his footing. I cried out that he needed to be healed immediately, and begged Mona to throw him something from her belt. He paid me no mind, and just ran back into the fight. He was so badly injured, but that did not stop him for a second. He continued fighting as if nothing had happened, and we knew we had to do the same. The fight lasted for hours, the hordes of enemies seeming endless. The town had been turned to rubble at this point, any signs of life save for the Goradel mansion had vanished from this now tarnished and barren land. As the sun rose on the next day, we saw the warzone in fresh light. Mona had returned to normal, her breathing short and labored as she laid on the ground. I had turned back to normal, wounds covering my body and in desperate need of healing, but I didn’t care. I saw Magnus sitting on the corpse of one of the Corvids, a cup of ale in his hand and blood pouring from him. I rushed to him, begging him to let me help him, but he just shook his head. He took a long, slow sip of his ale, let out a deep sigh and motioned for me to sit with him. I got down as best I could, every instinct telling me to heal me, but he continued to refuse. Eventually he spoke as we stared at the sunset. ‘Catherine,’ he said to me, ‘everyone has a torch to burn. Some burn longer than others, and we don’t get to decide how long they burn…’ He leaned against his sword with a smile, taking one last sip of ale. I asked him what the hell he was talking about, but as I looked at him, I could tell… He was gone… The light had gone from his eyes, but that smile remained on his face. As I saw this, all I could do was cry. I had lost people before in my life, but I was always able to help the ones that could be helped from injuries! I just hugged him as I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. Even worse was having to heal Mona back to consciousness with the remainder of my magic and share the news with her. We cried together; we hadn’t known each other for more than a day, but we all held a deep respect for each other. Knowing that we had failed him and caused his demise, the town being destroyed, our barely achieved victory…none of it felt worth it in the end. As we cried, we heard the doors to the Goradel manor open. Out stepped Zavier, Cordelia’s father. He looked at the scene, nodding as he saw our handiwork and commended us. ‘Weren’t there three of you?’ he asked as he looked at us with such lack of regard. ‘Magnus…he’s dead…’ Mona said as I helped her up, wiping the tears from her eyes. ‘Hm, pity…very well, would you like his share? We had already set aside 3 payments, we will split it between you both should you wish’. I still don’t know why what he said caused me such anger, but I could feel my blood boil. Our comrade that had been one of the best members of the guild, the one who had fought to defend his worthless ass, the reason he was standing here right now and not a pile of meat being devoured by beasts didn’t even give a shit that he was gone! ‘This isn’t fair’, I thought to myself, ‘we protected them and they are treating us like pawns!’ Mona could tell I was getting angry, so she answered that we’d take his share and have it sent to our accounts at once. She pulled me away from this pitiful excuse for a human, and I just screamed in anger. She told me that she agreed, that it wasn’t fair to Magnus, or us, or the people of this village, but that we couldn’t let his sacrifice be in vain. With his share of the cash and ours, we could afford to build a new settlement for the displaced of this village. She managed to talk me down from my anger, she was really talented like that. I took a few deep breaths, patted my cheeks, and nodded. It would be better to use the money for good in Magnus’ honor, all the stories I had heard of his exploits usually ended with him donating a large portion of his earnings to those affected by disasters such as this. Mona left to inform the survivors that the victory had been achieved, but at the loss of Magnus. While she did that, however, I began to plan. I don’t know if it was the loss of a comrade, the pain still coursing through my body, the stress and trauma of what we had just gone through, but letting it go was not an option for me at this point. I knew I had to show these fuckers torment, I knew that they needed to pay for the callous disregard for anyone who wasn’t themselves. So, I gathered samples. I had a bag of holding on my side and began to stuff it with the bodies of our defeated enemies. The spiders had all been burned and crushed beyond study, but many of the Corvids and Serpents were still able to be studied and understood. Once I had my samples, I looked at Magnus with more tears. I was going to avenge him, I was going to show these rich pieces of crap just how insignificant they were, and I was going to make sure they paid the price… There was no way I could carry his body with my strength, he was far too bulky for me, so I used my magic to carry him. Even with my weakened state I couldn’t stop myself from giving him a proper burial. He deserved it, he deserved so much more than what he got. I summoned a shovel into my hands, and began to dig. I think I made it about 3 minutes of digging before my body finally gave up on me, and I fell. I don’t remember much of what happened after that, I guess I had passed out from exhaustion. When I awoke, I heard Har’s voice calling to me. I was so tired, my body aching and burning in such pain as I tried to move every muscle I could. I looked up, and we were in a cemetery. I could see Magnus’ body laying in a now dug grave, dressed in his elegant but simple armor, eyes closed and mouth still holding that same smile as I had seen before. A ward of protection was currently being cast around his burial grounds, designating this land as sacred ground that could not be touched by any means. No necromancer could get to his body, and no thieves could rob him of his belongings. I was sitting next to a patched up and tired looking Mona, and we both just sobbed gently as we watched him being buried. Hundreds had gathered to pay their respects, all of those that Magnus had saved, protected, worked with, allied, even some who I later came to learn saw him as a rival. All of them were paying their respects to this true paragon of an adventurer, and all I could think about was getting revenge for him… Ah, sorry, I didn’t realize how long I had been sending through the OrbNet. It might be best to end this part of my life here for the time being. Thank you again for reading, if you managed to find an old witch’s story interesting. Once I work up the courage to share the next part with you all, I hope you will continue to view me in a positive light. You will hear things that…well, you’ll see. Thank you for your time, I love you all, my siblings in the arcane. |
2024.05.18 18:12 Internet_Mediocre I can’t go on anymore
I’m tired and the noise won’t stop.
I (25M) have been dealing with a lot that life has handed me. It’s too hard for me to handle and I just can’t take it anymore.
In April 2023 I received a phone call that my niece who was only a few months old had suddenly passed away. A few hours later I got a phone call that my older sister, the mother of my niece, had passed away. It crumbled me. But I tried to keep it together. Life had already been a bit tough considering our father had passed away in 2014 and a few months after that our house burned down so we had to restart. But I was trying to stay healthy and happy while I grieved and kept going in life.
A few months later in September 2023 I received a phone call that my stepfather lost his fight with lung cancer and he passed. He was like a father to me. When I didn’t have a dad to show me how to be a man he stepped up. Took care of me and helped raise me in my teenage years. Losing him hurt. It was like losing my dad all over again.
December of 2023 came and I was waiting for the year to be over. To start fresh. Keep on going and pick up where I left off on my goals in life. But life had other plans and I received a call that my other older sister was in the hospital and dieing. I flew across the country to be with her. I watched her die on New Year’s Eve night. Another sister gone. Another family member gone. I’ve lost so much and it was so hard but my partner and soul mate was with me to help take care of me. She tended to me and helped me when I struggled.
2024 came and I was still going on strong in life. I was trying to save money for a wedding and to propose to my gf of 4 years. She had been with me through it all. I stayed strong most of the time. I was able to find happiness and light in such dark times. I would break down every now and again. Sometimes by myself and sometimes I would seek my significant other for help. I didn’t want to be a sad depressed person all day everyday. In April of 2024 my gf who had helped me day in and day out for 4 years said we needed to talk. She said she felt I didn’t care about her, I didn’t want to spend time with her, and that she was tired of feeling not cared for. She packed up her things and left. In a matter of seconds I finally lost it all. Disappeared.
Essentially I just can’t take it anymore. I’m trying a therapist but it isn’t helping much and I don’t want to be put on medication. I wake up every morning, panic frantically, look around at my empty room, and get nauseous from the panic that I vomit. I can’t help it. Every morning. My mind doesn’t stop. It’s like an old train that keeps running. Metal grinding against metal. I think of everything. Every situation. Every outcome. The past. The future. The present. It doesn’t stop going. It’s a loud noise and I’m so exhausted. I’m tired emotionally, physically, and mentally. I want to break down and cry as she holds me. The noise won’t go away and I want it to stop. I want to end it. I can’t do this anymore. Everything is dieing around me. Everything I touch dies except myself and it’s not fair. I’m too tired to keep going.
submitted by Internet_Mediocre to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]
I (25M) have been dealing with a lot that life has handed me. It’s too hard for me to handle and I just can’t take it anymore.
In April 2023 I received a phone call that my niece who was only a few months old had suddenly passed away. A few hours later I got a phone call that my older sister, the mother of my niece, had passed away. It crumbled me. But I tried to keep it together. Life had already been a bit tough considering our father had passed away in 2014 and a few months after that our house burned down so we had to restart. But I was trying to stay healthy and happy while I grieved and kept going in life.
A few months later in September 2023 I received a phone call that my stepfather lost his fight with lung cancer and he passed. He was like a father to me. When I didn’t have a dad to show me how to be a man he stepped up. Took care of me and helped raise me in my teenage years. Losing him hurt. It was like losing my dad all over again.
December of 2023 came and I was waiting for the year to be over. To start fresh. Keep on going and pick up where I left off on my goals in life. But life had other plans and I received a call that my other older sister was in the hospital and dieing. I flew across the country to be with her. I watched her die on New Year’s Eve night. Another sister gone. Another family member gone. I’ve lost so much and it was so hard but my partner and soul mate was with me to help take care of me. She tended to me and helped me when I struggled.
2024 came and I was still going on strong in life. I was trying to save money for a wedding and to propose to my gf of 4 years. She had been with me through it all. I stayed strong most of the time. I was able to find happiness and light in such dark times. I would break down every now and again. Sometimes by myself and sometimes I would seek my significant other for help. I didn’t want to be a sad depressed person all day everyday. In April of 2024 my gf who had helped me day in and day out for 4 years said we needed to talk. She said she felt I didn’t care about her, I didn’t want to spend time with her, and that she was tired of feeling not cared for. She packed up her things and left. In a matter of seconds I finally lost it all. Disappeared.
Essentially I just can’t take it anymore. I’m trying a therapist but it isn’t helping much and I don’t want to be put on medication. I wake up every morning, panic frantically, look around at my empty room, and get nauseous from the panic that I vomit. I can’t help it. Every morning. My mind doesn’t stop. It’s like an old train that keeps running. Metal grinding against metal. I think of everything. Every situation. Every outcome. The past. The future. The present. It doesn’t stop going. It’s a loud noise and I’m so exhausted. I’m tired emotionally, physically, and mentally. I want to break down and cry as she holds me. The noise won’t go away and I want it to stop. I want to end it. I can’t do this anymore. Everything is dieing around me. Everything I touch dies except myself and it’s not fair. I’m too tired to keep going.
2024.05.18 17:59 S0ng81rd Part 23
My Dad is bringing up a very important word,
"No"
Actually, I think that was his favorite word.
I had a great habit of using it when I was under his roof. What he said is usually what happens first. He was the head of the house and the leader of his own reality. When he was intoxicated or not, what he saw and thought in his mind came to life, even when it never took place in real time.
Why did I give him so much respect when he clearly was showing me toxicity in our relationship at home?
He pretended to be a person of high stature when we are in public. No one would have guessed his bad habits with substances at home and the way he acted behind closed doors. When I reached out for emotional support at school or church, I was mostly shunned by anyone that listened to my story. They taught me that my feelings were wrong and asking for help gets me in trouble. When I told my mom anything, she was busy at work and came home tired. She trusted everything my father would tell her and I got in trouble for speaking out for his behavior. I was kept at home and if anything that could get me out of the house was already planned to be declined if I asked to do anything.
It was hard to please anyone at this point.
I kept my room spotless and vacuumed everyday, just so my dad couldn't say no and tell me to clean my room if I had a friend standing next to me wanting to hang out.
I had one friend in my life that saw my father for who he really is and he scared her pretty bad. He chased me to her car when I was trying to leave my house, he was on oxy at the time. My friend hesitated and kept the car in the driveway and told me to go do what he said. I wanted her to drive as fast as she could away from him, because he took the battery out of my car and I couldn't leave to be with Suz.
Well, after that incident, I lost my friend. She told her parents what happened and she broke all contact with me and stopped talking to me at church. Rumors went around and her mom I sang with on stage started to be disrespectful towards me.
I learned a valuable lesson that day....
When you feel safe enough to speak out and let someone see your true self, you scare people away.
When I trusted someone, I was abandoned when they saw my life for what it is.
The truth was hard to swallow and I had to stay around my father regardless of trying to find help in some form of way I felt heard. I tried to be emancipated, I went to church and sought out resources, I researched about how to prevent suicidal tendencies, I was speaking to a child psychologist. I was working on being more respectful towards my parents, but when my dad got high and made up stories to be angry and attack me. I had no way to protect myself and prove that it was just my father being an addict going through a psychotic episode.
This is why the Lord forced me into psychology.
I didn't want anything to do with it! (Working in a psych ward.... It sucked.)
Suz was the first person to really allow me to learn how to understand it with her version of explaining reality. She is a psychic medium. A very good one! She was very outspoken, rude and funny.... I can take the hard criticism. Nothing amounted to the trauma my father already caused me to feel. I survived high school band.... My director was exactly like my father and I was verbally abused at school by certain individuals.
I kept it all to myself and I planned very strategically my way to "heaven". I kept a journal on purpose for someone to find later. I wrote about everything I was feeling and how I was being treated, my poems, other interesting facts about spirituality, death and dying.
Suz taught me how to have a "book of shadows"..... Well, she is a witch..... It shouldn't be scary when I say that, she was a very proud "light witch". She only worked for the good of humanity. Christianity shuns such practices, but it really is part of the culture before religion became a thing. She taught me so many things that my Dad made me swear I would never get involved in.....
My Dad went into psychology after he decided he wasn't going to be a pastor. His past marriage was a major roadblock for him that he lost faith in God and didn't feel it was right for him to lie on stage to other believers when he wasn't being honest about his own walk in faith anymore.
A divorce would literally kill my soul. I can't imagine what betrayal feels like until you promise your life in vows to someone and it doesn't work out....My Dad made sure to show me that marriage is a special connection and I had to be very cautious who I accept as my spouse. I never forgotten how important it was for him to see me with the right man, but he was so overprotective, he never allowed me to learn how to date or even go to a school dance.
I blame the drugs for interfering in our relationship as a family. My Father was a very smart man, until he took a pill, shot up, or drink... My dad worked in anesthesia, he knew how to mix his own concoction and by pass the system to get his fix. He was forced to retire don't worry, but his knowledge to get drugs was phenomenal all that he knew about medicine.
It really sucked that he knew psychology and ways to manipulate people to get what he wanted. He was a very skilled hypnotherapist on top of that. My family is the result of a head narcissist raising more products of himself.
If you see my family now, we are estranged for good reasons, but they still hurt me personally. I really tried to keep us together after my father passed away, but the rest of my family chose to ignore my advances to keep in contact. I'm not even invited to the family reunions.
It's okay, because we have a lot of family history of incest and "S.A." and I understand why we are not invited.... I know a lot of things about our family after my father passed away. I know why he turned to be a pastor and then went in psychology to help himself and others, but then he lost his way and turned to drugs to mask his pain. The enemy stepped in and my Dad gave into his weaknesses..... He tried and he fought hard. Even when he attacked me my whole life. I still sat there and listened to him and I was forced to listen and not leave the room, but then God showed me to talk back to my Dad.....
So, I started to read more about the Bible and relate to him.
That's why I went to church...
I went to church 4 times a week to get away from the house, but to also just understand why I want to end my life and know that I would go to heaven if I actually tried it.....I was worried about my Mom and how my actions would affect her, she was a big reason why I stalled my plans and then my Dad had this wise idea to get me to work at a mortuary. Told me to walk into one and ask for a job.
Crazy how I jump topics all of a sudden, but this is how my Dad and I got along with each other. Weird and comical. lol
If it wasn't about music, it was about spirituality. I was into a lot of death related shows because I was suicidal. If you remember any of these, they came out around the time I was in high school.
Six Feet Under
Dead Like Me
Dr. G Medical Examiner
1000 Ways to Die
Ghost hunters
Crime Scene Clean Up Crew shows.
I would walk in the dining room while he was chillin in his hospital bed. Watching Finding Big Foot.
"Hey DAD! check this out."
It was a nice distraction to his day. It brought up his own fears with common daily interactions because of my odd obsession with the topic of dying.
My father at this point in his cancer diagnosis, he was on something they call,
Palliative care.
My mom explained to me that it means he was going to die. Lovely how blunt my mother is, but that's how she said it without sugar coating it....
But it was in a way it would be under his terms. My father at this point died once while receiving radiation therapy. His heart stopped and was revived. When he woke up angry and violent towards at the medical team. He yelled at my mom that he was ready to "go". So, after that incident he got the right person to sign him up for his new journey to his death.
That was a weird way of telling you what palliative care is, but that's how I found out and understood that he had a "DNR" to his name after that incident. Sometimes he was in a hospice home for a few months to give us a break at home dealing with his drama.
My Dad was surrounded by death, so it made me really research death and dying very deeply. I was afraid for anyone to see the books I read because they were about taboo topics you shouldn't see a teenager obsessing over. Death and dying, crossing over, letting go of loved ones, suicide survivors, decomposition of human remains, the death process, how a body is embalmed, what medical examiners while cutting open a corpse.
Then I got into the spiritual side of things that involve the devil and crossing over. How to avoid walking back towards hell when you are deceived by dark forces. How to fight your inner hell and not be trapped in that mindset when you are passing away.
I would have the craziest dreams after learning about these topics. But in a weird way, all I wanted to do was sleep to escape my reality. I would talk to my Dad about the stuff I found about those topics and it helped him be closer to me as a father. Something my little brother doesn't understand and ridiculed about me when he criticized my relationship with him. He had his own way to being with Dad, but my way, was with deeper meaning and serious topics. Stuff only Dad and I knew what that meant. It wasn't supposed to make sense to my mom or brother the special talks we had when he was in pain laying in bed.
I showed my Dad the other side to life....
I helped my Dad not be afraid to die, and do it with dignity and strength.
I helped my Dad understand that his addictions didn't ruin our connection as father and daughter and that I wanted to forgive him for his past before he died. He really appreciated my understanding that the drugs turned him into a different person, but inside of him, God was always there. My father told me, because of me, I allowed him to find love for God again and he was closer to his Mom because I showed him to not be afraid of my friend Suz.
That my friend wasn't evil and she taught me so much about angels and spirits, he was learning about them because I had the best mentor in the world. She helped me find my relationship with my Dad, that brought me to be closer to God and because I learned about God in a metaphysical way, I helped myself grow in my own understanding to where I wasn't going to end my life.
I found a reason to live even through the pain of watching the enemy run through my family and take away everyone and everything that means something to me.....
(I would like to post this, but I know it's not ready. I have so much to say and I know my story will help someone else not be afraid.)
I am still writing my story.
This is the book I was supposed to write about....
The one about death and dying.
Not about my background in psychology.
*That is a message for someone else. hint hint... That is your topic to write about. I hope you receive that message with understanding and go forth wisely. You asked me to remind you, so I am, quietly...
I am working with others in a way the Lord leads me.
It takes up my energy from writing and I have to prioritize what is more important. When it comes to someone's transition. I feel led to help someone cross over. I've done this since I was a child. No one taught me to understand how I do this. I also dream about meeting certain individuals and speak to them about life and death, God allows me to remember my dreams and I share them with the people it is about.
Most times, God will send people to talk to me and then I learn about them dying or having a terminal illness that is difficult to get through. That is where I am reminded of my life with my father and my jobs in the medical field and bring up all that I learned about death, dying, spirituality, religion, crossing over, eastern medicine, etc....
Then I become friends, or we have nice conversations that are very engaging and healing in general. I am later told that I have helped them in some way and they are happy to have met me. Then my dad shows up in my presence and shows me how I am doing what I am supposed to and to trust my gut feelings from now on. He promised me when he was alive, he was always going to be by my side and teach me about life.
Now I finally understand what he meant by that and I now that I know how to
"Listen with my HEART"
That is how he spoke to his mom before he crossed over. I taught him how and he was able to go deeper with it since his soul was ascending and leaving the physical body. The dream state plays a big part of crossing over and communicating with loved ones. That is where my gifts come into play. I am sensitive enough to feel him and learn his lessons that he encourages me to write it all down.
I'm not the writer I wish to become yet, but as long as it's getting out there for someone to find, that's all that matters.
Don't forget to realize that we are all dying. Don't allow your diagnosis or reality to have you feel stuck in misery until you die. Don't allow the pain and confusion to stop you from gaining understanding to the karma you're experiencing.Being a medium for me has been traumatizing, because I had to earn my way to understanding. I had to experience hell in order to seek solitude and want to create peace with my sanity and not let the forces around me cause me to go insane. I went "within" so I can heal my trauma and know what triggers me to thinking about the negative side to things.
That is all the enemy fighting with you spiritually.
When we die, we lose our vessel, not our spirit.
We are the spirit having the human experience.
This isn't forever.
Thank God for that!
Pain does end, but learn what the pain wants to teach you about life around you. You will help someone else with your story when you're meant to cross paths.
Everyone in your life is there to teach you something.
Are you ready for the lesson?
Are you ready to understand your lesson?
So, it's crazy how I end up writing these posts, but they are all for a reason that I don't understand right now, but I'm doing as I'm told.
I'm not afraid of death, I'm not afraid of anyone stalking me because I speak of life in a way no one else has, because this is my story.
I don't know why I wrote it this way before I got here.
My destiny, I mean.....
I know my purpose now and of all the things I pushed away in my life, God forced me to go back into it and learn more about myself. The things I didn't want to face and be reminded about my Dad.... I just want to live my life in peace. I didn't want to think about my past love, but I meet people that remind me of my life back home and that person in particular.....
So, it's all hitting at once. It's a slow process, my father has been gone for 11 years now. I'm getting the hang of it now...... Writing this isn't a race for me, the lessons are exciting to finally understand why I went through them, but again.... Time helps me explain things better when I see it in a different perspective. I couldn't have accomplished that goal until I went through the pain and worked on my character to change my outcomes to my problems. I had to change myself first.
I hope those that are part of this journey with me understand that I am only putting out there tools to help them succeed.
I'm not going out of my way to create another trauma bond or narcissistic injury towards anyone. I love them very much and I want them to work on themselves and gain abundance correctly, not with the use of black magic and occult practices.
That's another story for another day. Suz wants them to know that she was in my life to warn me about my lessons in my future, but I can't run from them. I am here to learn lessons and teach others how to learn theirs.
That's all this is about.
Life is a stage, how do you want to play it?
I choose to grow and allow myself to see the positive to where I feel the emotion of bliss, love, joy and acceptance of all things coexisting together.
I be back soon,
I hope you have a nice weekend.
<3,
Tina,
submitted by S0ng81rd to u/S0ng81rd [link] [comments]
"No"
Actually, I think that was his favorite word.
I had a great habit of using it when I was under his roof. What he said is usually what happens first. He was the head of the house and the leader of his own reality. When he was intoxicated or not, what he saw and thought in his mind came to life, even when it never took place in real time.
Why did I give him so much respect when he clearly was showing me toxicity in our relationship at home?
He pretended to be a person of high stature when we are in public. No one would have guessed his bad habits with substances at home and the way he acted behind closed doors. When I reached out for emotional support at school or church, I was mostly shunned by anyone that listened to my story. They taught me that my feelings were wrong and asking for help gets me in trouble. When I told my mom anything, she was busy at work and came home tired. She trusted everything my father would tell her and I got in trouble for speaking out for his behavior. I was kept at home and if anything that could get me out of the house was already planned to be declined if I asked to do anything.
It was hard to please anyone at this point.
I kept my room spotless and vacuumed everyday, just so my dad couldn't say no and tell me to clean my room if I had a friend standing next to me wanting to hang out.
I had one friend in my life that saw my father for who he really is and he scared her pretty bad. He chased me to her car when I was trying to leave my house, he was on oxy at the time. My friend hesitated and kept the car in the driveway and told me to go do what he said. I wanted her to drive as fast as she could away from him, because he took the battery out of my car and I couldn't leave to be with Suz.
Well, after that incident, I lost my friend. She told her parents what happened and she broke all contact with me and stopped talking to me at church. Rumors went around and her mom I sang with on stage started to be disrespectful towards me.
I learned a valuable lesson that day....
When you feel safe enough to speak out and let someone see your true self, you scare people away.
When I trusted someone, I was abandoned when they saw my life for what it is.
The truth was hard to swallow and I had to stay around my father regardless of trying to find help in some form of way I felt heard. I tried to be emancipated, I went to church and sought out resources, I researched about how to prevent suicidal tendencies, I was speaking to a child psychologist. I was working on being more respectful towards my parents, but when my dad got high and made up stories to be angry and attack me. I had no way to protect myself and prove that it was just my father being an addict going through a psychotic episode.
This is why the Lord forced me into psychology.
I didn't want anything to do with it! (Working in a psych ward.... It sucked.)
Suz was the first person to really allow me to learn how to understand it with her version of explaining reality. She is a psychic medium. A very good one! She was very outspoken, rude and funny.... I can take the hard criticism. Nothing amounted to the trauma my father already caused me to feel. I survived high school band.... My director was exactly like my father and I was verbally abused at school by certain individuals.
I kept it all to myself and I planned very strategically my way to "heaven". I kept a journal on purpose for someone to find later. I wrote about everything I was feeling and how I was being treated, my poems, other interesting facts about spirituality, death and dying.
Suz taught me how to have a "book of shadows"..... Well, she is a witch..... It shouldn't be scary when I say that, she was a very proud "light witch". She only worked for the good of humanity. Christianity shuns such practices, but it really is part of the culture before religion became a thing. She taught me so many things that my Dad made me swear I would never get involved in.....
My Dad went into psychology after he decided he wasn't going to be a pastor. His past marriage was a major roadblock for him that he lost faith in God and didn't feel it was right for him to lie on stage to other believers when he wasn't being honest about his own walk in faith anymore.
A divorce would literally kill my soul. I can't imagine what betrayal feels like until you promise your life in vows to someone and it doesn't work out....My Dad made sure to show me that marriage is a special connection and I had to be very cautious who I accept as my spouse. I never forgotten how important it was for him to see me with the right man, but he was so overprotective, he never allowed me to learn how to date or even go to a school dance.
I blame the drugs for interfering in our relationship as a family. My Father was a very smart man, until he took a pill, shot up, or drink... My dad worked in anesthesia, he knew how to mix his own concoction and by pass the system to get his fix. He was forced to retire don't worry, but his knowledge to get drugs was phenomenal all that he knew about medicine.
It really sucked that he knew psychology and ways to manipulate people to get what he wanted. He was a very skilled hypnotherapist on top of that. My family is the result of a head narcissist raising more products of himself.
If you see my family now, we are estranged for good reasons, but they still hurt me personally. I really tried to keep us together after my father passed away, but the rest of my family chose to ignore my advances to keep in contact. I'm not even invited to the family reunions.
It's okay, because we have a lot of family history of incest and "S.A." and I understand why we are not invited.... I know a lot of things about our family after my father passed away. I know why he turned to be a pastor and then went in psychology to help himself and others, but then he lost his way and turned to drugs to mask his pain. The enemy stepped in and my Dad gave into his weaknesses..... He tried and he fought hard. Even when he attacked me my whole life. I still sat there and listened to him and I was forced to listen and not leave the room, but then God showed me to talk back to my Dad.....
So, I started to read more about the Bible and relate to him.
That's why I went to church...
I went to church 4 times a week to get away from the house, but to also just understand why I want to end my life and know that I would go to heaven if I actually tried it.....I was worried about my Mom and how my actions would affect her, she was a big reason why I stalled my plans and then my Dad had this wise idea to get me to work at a mortuary. Told me to walk into one and ask for a job.
Crazy how I jump topics all of a sudden, but this is how my Dad and I got along with each other. Weird and comical. lol
If it wasn't about music, it was about spirituality. I was into a lot of death related shows because I was suicidal. If you remember any of these, they came out around the time I was in high school.
Six Feet Under
Dead Like Me
Dr. G Medical Examiner
1000 Ways to Die
Ghost hunters
Crime Scene Clean Up Crew shows.
I would walk in the dining room while he was chillin in his hospital bed. Watching Finding Big Foot.
"Hey DAD! check this out."
It was a nice distraction to his day. It brought up his own fears with common daily interactions because of my odd obsession with the topic of dying.
My father at this point in his cancer diagnosis, he was on something they call,
Palliative care.
My mom explained to me that it means he was going to die. Lovely how blunt my mother is, but that's how she said it without sugar coating it....
But it was in a way it would be under his terms. My father at this point died once while receiving radiation therapy. His heart stopped and was revived. When he woke up angry and violent towards at the medical team. He yelled at my mom that he was ready to "go". So, after that incident he got the right person to sign him up for his new journey to his death.
That was a weird way of telling you what palliative care is, but that's how I found out and understood that he had a "DNR" to his name after that incident. Sometimes he was in a hospice home for a few months to give us a break at home dealing with his drama.
My Dad was surrounded by death, so it made me really research death and dying very deeply. I was afraid for anyone to see the books I read because they were about taboo topics you shouldn't see a teenager obsessing over. Death and dying, crossing over, letting go of loved ones, suicide survivors, decomposition of human remains, the death process, how a body is embalmed, what medical examiners while cutting open a corpse.
Then I got into the spiritual side of things that involve the devil and crossing over. How to avoid walking back towards hell when you are deceived by dark forces. How to fight your inner hell and not be trapped in that mindset when you are passing away.
I would have the craziest dreams after learning about these topics. But in a weird way, all I wanted to do was sleep to escape my reality. I would talk to my Dad about the stuff I found about those topics and it helped him be closer to me as a father. Something my little brother doesn't understand and ridiculed about me when he criticized my relationship with him. He had his own way to being with Dad, but my way, was with deeper meaning and serious topics. Stuff only Dad and I knew what that meant. It wasn't supposed to make sense to my mom or brother the special talks we had when he was in pain laying in bed.
I showed my Dad the other side to life....
I helped my Dad not be afraid to die, and do it with dignity and strength.
I helped my Dad understand that his addictions didn't ruin our connection as father and daughter and that I wanted to forgive him for his past before he died. He really appreciated my understanding that the drugs turned him into a different person, but inside of him, God was always there. My father told me, because of me, I allowed him to find love for God again and he was closer to his Mom because I showed him to not be afraid of my friend Suz.
That my friend wasn't evil and she taught me so much about angels and spirits, he was learning about them because I had the best mentor in the world. She helped me find my relationship with my Dad, that brought me to be closer to God and because I learned about God in a metaphysical way, I helped myself grow in my own understanding to where I wasn't going to end my life.
I found a reason to live even through the pain of watching the enemy run through my family and take away everyone and everything that means something to me.....
(I would like to post this, but I know it's not ready. I have so much to say and I know my story will help someone else not be afraid.)
I am still writing my story.
This is the book I was supposed to write about....
The one about death and dying.
Not about my background in psychology.
*That is a message for someone else. hint hint... That is your topic to write about. I hope you receive that message with understanding and go forth wisely. You asked me to remind you, so I am, quietly...
I am working with others in a way the Lord leads me.
It takes up my energy from writing and I have to prioritize what is more important. When it comes to someone's transition. I feel led to help someone cross over. I've done this since I was a child. No one taught me to understand how I do this. I also dream about meeting certain individuals and speak to them about life and death, God allows me to remember my dreams and I share them with the people it is about.
Most times, God will send people to talk to me and then I learn about them dying or having a terminal illness that is difficult to get through. That is where I am reminded of my life with my father and my jobs in the medical field and bring up all that I learned about death, dying, spirituality, religion, crossing over, eastern medicine, etc....
Then I become friends, or we have nice conversations that are very engaging and healing in general. I am later told that I have helped them in some way and they are happy to have met me. Then my dad shows up in my presence and shows me how I am doing what I am supposed to and to trust my gut feelings from now on. He promised me when he was alive, he was always going to be by my side and teach me about life.
Now I finally understand what he meant by that and I now that I know how to
"Listen with my HEART"
That is how he spoke to his mom before he crossed over. I taught him how and he was able to go deeper with it since his soul was ascending and leaving the physical body. The dream state plays a big part of crossing over and communicating with loved ones. That is where my gifts come into play. I am sensitive enough to feel him and learn his lessons that he encourages me to write it all down.
I'm not the writer I wish to become yet, but as long as it's getting out there for someone to find, that's all that matters.
Don't forget to realize that we are all dying. Don't allow your diagnosis or reality to have you feel stuck in misery until you die. Don't allow the pain and confusion to stop you from gaining understanding to the karma you're experiencing.Being a medium for me has been traumatizing, because I had to earn my way to understanding. I had to experience hell in order to seek solitude and want to create peace with my sanity and not let the forces around me cause me to go insane. I went "within" so I can heal my trauma and know what triggers me to thinking about the negative side to things.
That is all the enemy fighting with you spiritually.
When we die, we lose our vessel, not our spirit.
We are the spirit having the human experience.
This isn't forever.
Thank God for that!
Pain does end, but learn what the pain wants to teach you about life around you. You will help someone else with your story when you're meant to cross paths.
Everyone in your life is there to teach you something.
Are you ready for the lesson?
Are you ready to understand your lesson?
So, it's crazy how I end up writing these posts, but they are all for a reason that I don't understand right now, but I'm doing as I'm told.
I'm not afraid of death, I'm not afraid of anyone stalking me because I speak of life in a way no one else has, because this is my story.
I don't know why I wrote it this way before I got here.
My destiny, I mean.....
I know my purpose now and of all the things I pushed away in my life, God forced me to go back into it and learn more about myself. The things I didn't want to face and be reminded about my Dad.... I just want to live my life in peace. I didn't want to think about my past love, but I meet people that remind me of my life back home and that person in particular.....
So, it's all hitting at once. It's a slow process, my father has been gone for 11 years now. I'm getting the hang of it now...... Writing this isn't a race for me, the lessons are exciting to finally understand why I went through them, but again.... Time helps me explain things better when I see it in a different perspective. I couldn't have accomplished that goal until I went through the pain and worked on my character to change my outcomes to my problems. I had to change myself first.
I hope those that are part of this journey with me understand that I am only putting out there tools to help them succeed.
I'm not going out of my way to create another trauma bond or narcissistic injury towards anyone. I love them very much and I want them to work on themselves and gain abundance correctly, not with the use of black magic and occult practices.
That's another story for another day. Suz wants them to know that she was in my life to warn me about my lessons in my future, but I can't run from them. I am here to learn lessons and teach others how to learn theirs.
That's all this is about.
Life is a stage, how do you want to play it?
I choose to grow and allow myself to see the positive to where I feel the emotion of bliss, love, joy and acceptance of all things coexisting together.
I be back soon,
I hope you have a nice weekend.
<3,
Tina,
2024.05.18 15:04 TheQuranicMumin What you should (and shouldn't) do according to the Qur'an
Salaam all!
I've attempted to compile the "do's and don'ts" of the Qur'an, the following list is all OC. I very likely have made some mistakes/errors in judgment whilst compiling - or missed things out, so please do comment and point things out, i'll edit the post.
Enjoy :)
Ask God for help (1:5)
Believe in Unseen (2:3)
Uphold the salāt (2:3)
Believe in the Qur’an and what preceded it (2:4)
Be certain of the Hereafter (2:4)
If in doubt, bring a Surah like it (2:23)
If there comes to you guidance from Him, follow it (2:38)
Render the zakāt (2:43)
Be in ruku’ (2:43)
Use reason (2:44)
Seek help in patience and salāt (2:45)
Consider your meeting with the Lord (2:46)
Be in prudent fear of the judgment day (2:48)
Trust in God, the last day, and do good (2:62)
Be good to parents (2:83)
Be good to kin, fatherless or the poor (2:83)
Be in prudent fear (2:103)
Say “look at us” (2:104)
Pardon and forbear (2:109)
Send good ahead (2:110)
Bring proof of claims (2:111)
Submit to God (2:112)
Do Good (2:82)
Trust in God and the last day (2:126)
Hold to the creed of Abraham (2:135)
Say that you trust in Him, what He has sent down (2:136)
Make no distinction between the prophets (2:136)
Immerse in Him (2:138)
Respond to those who say that Abraham (and descendants) were Christians/Jews with “know you better, or does God?” (2:140)
Direct your face to the inviolable place of worship wherever you are (2:144)
Remember Him (2:152)
Be grateful to Him (2:152)
Be patient (2:153)
Bear glad tidings to the patient (2:155)
Repent / Ask forgiveness (2:160)
Love Him (2:165)
Eat what is halāl or tayyeb (2:168)
Trust in Him, the last day, the angels, the Writ, the prophets (2:177)
Give wealth to relatives, the fatherless, the needy, and the wayfarer (2:177)
Manumit slaves (2:177)
Keep a covenant when you make it (2:177)
Qisās ‘prescribed’ (2:178)
Pay blood-money if no Qisās (2:178)
Will ‘prescribed’ (2:180)
Make right when you notice testator partiality (2:182)
Fasting in general ‘prescribed’ (2:183)
If sick or on journey, carry fasting forward (2:184)
Pay fidya if fast missed (2:184)
Fast in Ramadān (2:185)
Respond to Him (2:186)
Trust Him (2:186)
Lie with women after fasting (2:187)
Seek what he prescribed (2:187)
Eat and drink until the white thead is clear from the dark, then fast till sunset (2:187)
Approach houses by doors (2:189)
Fight those who fight you (2:190)
Kill those who fight you (2:191)
Turn out those who turned you out (2:191)
Don’t fight in the inviolable masjid until fought (2:191)
Fight until they desist, or until the end of fitnah (2:193)
Qisās in the sacred months (2:194)
Spend in His cause (2:195)
Do the hajj (2:196)
Do the offering of animals if not possible (2:196)
If sick, or hindrance of the head: redemption by fasting, charity, or penance (2:196)
If cannot attend, fast three days during it, the seven days upon return, save if family is permanently resident on site (2:196)
Take provision (2:197)
Remember Him at al-mash’ar al-harām (2:198)
Pour forth from where men have poured forth (2:199)
Remember Him like the remembrance of your father or stronger, after rites finished (2:200)
Ask Him to give you good in the World and Hereafter, and to protect you from the punishment (2:201)
Sell yourself for Him (2:207)
Enter into submission completely (2:208)
Fighting ‘prescribed’ (2:216)
Trust (2:218)
Emigrate (2:218)
Strive in His cause (2:218)
Hope for his mercy (2:218)
Spend the surplus (2:219)
Approach purified women in the correct manner (2:222)
Purify yourself (2:222)
Bear glad tidings to the mu’minūn (2:223)
Wait four months after foreswearing women (2:226)
Divorced women wait themselves for three menstrural courses (2:228)
When divorcing, retain them or release them (2:231)
Remember His favour (2:231)
Children are suckled for two ‘haūl’ (2:233)
Father provides provision and clothing (2:233)
Widows must wait for 4 months and ten days (2:234)
When divorcing her and you haven’t touched her nor appointed an obligation for her, make her a gift (2:236)
If they have an obligation appointed, then give half, unless forgoed (2:237)
Don’t forget the bounty between you two (2:237)
Preserve the salawāt (2:238)
Stand up for God humbly obedient (2:238)
If in fear, waking or riding (2:239)
Widows are to recieve one years maintenance with no expulsion (2:240)
Divorced women recieve provision (2:241)
Fight in His cause (2:244)
Spend of what He provided (2:254)
Deny tāghūt (2:257)
Spend in His cause (2:261)
Give up usury (2:278)
Defer money return until ease upon borrower (2:280)
[Follow debt contract instructions] (2:282)
If on journey and no writer, then a pledge in hand (2:283)
Make no distinction between messengers (2:285)
Obey Him (2:285)
Be truthful (3:17)
Seek forgiveness at dawn (3:17)
Be obedient (3:17)
Bear witness that there is no God save He (3:18)
Ask those given the writ and the unschooled if they’ve submitted (3:20)
Obey Him and the Messenger (3:32)
If they turn away, bear witness that you are submitting (3:64)
Fulfil your covenant (3:76)
Make no distinction between the prophets (3:84)
Spend of what you love (3:92)
Make pilgrimage to the house (3:97)
Hold fast to Him (3:101)
Hold fast to the rope of God together (3:103)
Have a community that invites to God, enjoins what is fitting, and forbids perversity (3:104)
Compete in good deeds (3:114)
Place trust in Him (3:122)
Be in prudent fear of the fire (3:131)
Vie with each other for forgiveness (3:133)
Control wrath (3:134)
Travel in the Earth to see the final outcome of the deniers (3:137)
Seek His approval (3:162)
Respond to God after injury befalls (3:172)
Fear Him (3:175)
Remember Allah standing, sitting, on the sides; reflect on the creation (3:191)
Be steady (3:200)
Give the fatherless their property (4:2)
If there is an injustice of the fatherless, then perform polygamy (4:3)
Give women their dowries (4:4)
If they remit anything voluntarily, then consume it with satisfaction and pleasure (4:4)
Feed and clothe the incompetent (4:5)
Test the fatherless when they reach marriage, if they are sound then give their property with witnesses (4:6)
Men/Women have a designated share of what parents/relatives leave (4:7)
If the fatherless and needy are at the site of division, then give part of what is left (4:8)
[Inheritance laws] (4:12-13)
[*] (4:15-16)
If you can’t marry free women, then from MMA of believing maids, marry them with the leave of their people (4:25)
MMA are due half the punishment of free women if they commit fāhisha (4:25)
Avoid enormities of whats forbidden (4:31)
For men and women is a share of what they earned (4:32)
Give shares to those whom your oaths have bound (4:33)
Men have responsibility over women (4:34)
Women are to be humbly obedient and keeping unseen what God keeps (4:34)
If you fear contempt from your women, then admonish them, and leave in beds apart, and [*] them – save that they obey you (4:34)
If a breach is feared, then an arbitrator from both sides are to be raised (4:35)
Good conduct towards relatives, the fatherless, the needy, the neighbour, the companion, the wayfarers, and MMA (4:36)
Spend of what Allah provides (4:39)
If you are ill, on a journey, have defecated, or had intercourse, and find not water, then perform tayammum (4:43)
Deliver trusts to owners and judge with justice (4:58)
Obey those in authority amongst you (4:59)
If you differ in a matter, refer to God and the Messenger (4:59)
Turn away from munāfiqūn, and admonish them (4:63)
Ask the messenger to ask forgiveness for you (4:64)
Take precaution and advance in groups/together (4:71)
Fight satan’s allies (4:76)
Consider the Qur’an with care (4:82)
Interceding in a good cause (4:85)
When you are greeted, return it, or greet with something greater (4:86)
Take not that munāfiqūn as allies until they emigrate in His cause, if they turn back then kill them (4:89)
If they withdraw and offer peace, you have no path against them (4:90)
Accidental murder of a mu’min: Manumit a mu’min slave and give blood-momey to family – save forgiveness (4:92)
Fast two months consecutively if not possible (4:92)
Verify/investigate when you go forth in His cause (4:94)
When you are amongst them then perform the salāt for them[follow procedure mentioned] (4:102)
When that salāt is concluded, remember Him standing, sitting, on the sides, and when at ease (4:103)
The salāt is required to be performed at set times for the mu’minūn (4:103)
Submit your face to Him, do good, follow the creed of Abraham (4:125)
Stand up for equity for the fatherless (4:127)
Be witnesses to God (4:135)
Bear tidings to the munāfiqūn (4:138)
Desist from tritheism (4:171)
[Kalalah inheritance] (4:176)
Fulfil contracts (5:1)
Assist one another to virtue (5:2)
Eat from what is caught by what you have trained of animals of prey as trainers (5:4)
When you rise for the prayer, wash the face, the hands, the arm, and the feet to the ankles (5:6)
If you are unclean, then purify yourself (5:6)
Lend to God a goodly loan (5:12)
Bury after death? (5:31)
If one wages war against God and His messenger, and work corruption in the land: Then kill them, or crucify [or put to death by stake] them, ot their hands and feet be cut off, or they be banished (5:33)
Seek to Him the means of approach (5:35)
[Punishment for stealing] (5:38)
Let ahl al-injīl judge by what God sent (5:47)
Take Him, His messenger, and those who trusted as allies (5:56)
Be moderate (5:66)
Prevent one another from performing perversity (5:79)
Eat of what God has provided from what is lawful and good (5:88)
[Oath expiation] (5:89)
Avoid khamr, games of change, altars, and divining arrows (5:90)
Bear responsibility for yourself (5:105)
[Testimony after death] (5:106)
Listen (5:108)
Travel in the Earth to see the final outcomes of the deniers (6:11)
Use reason (6:32)
Call to Him (6:41)
Humble yourself (6:43)
Turn in repentance after committing evil by ignorance (6:54)
Measure God with the measure due (6:91)
Preserve your salāt (6:92)
Leave those who fabricate, and what they fabricate (6:112)
Eat over which His name has been remembered (6:118)
Leave the outwardness and the inwardness of sin (6:120)
Work according to your power (6:135)
Render due on day of harvest (6:141)
Inform with knowledge when making claim (6:143)
Follow the straight path (6:153)
Dedicate your salāt, penance, your living, and your dying to Him (6:162)
Uphold countenances at every place of submission (7:29)
Call to Him sincere in doctrine (7:29)
Take your adornment at every place of submission (7:31)
Acknowledge Messengers when they come (7:35)
Call to Him humbly and in secret (7:55)
Be patient for the judgment (7:87)
Repent and believe after evil deeds (7:153)
Follow the unschooled prophet (7:157)
Forbid evil (7:165)
Use your [metaphoric] senses (7:179)
Call to Him by his names (7:180)
Call your partners and see if they respond (7:194)
Seek refuge in Him from the satan, if provoked (7:200)
Heed to the Qur’an and listen attentively (7:204)
Reserve spoils for God and His messenger (8:1)
Make right in what is between you (8:1)
Respond to Him and His messenger when He calls you to what gives you life (8:24)
Fight until no fitnah (8:39)
If they turn away know that He’s your protector (8:40)
What you obtain of spoils, a fifth belongs to God, His messenger, relatives, fatherless, the poor, and wayfarer (8:41)
If you fear treachery, cast them back (8:58)
Prepare forces and calvary to terrify them (8:60)
If they incline to peace, then incline to it (8:61)
Consume what you took of spoils (8:69)
Strive with four property and lives (8:72)
Help those who seek help within the deen (8:72)
Bear tidings to those in kufr of a painful punishment (9:3)
Kill, seize, ambush, and restrain the mushrikīn once the inviolable months have passed (9:5)
Release them if they repent, and perform the prayer, and render the zakāt (9:5)
If a mushrik seeks protection, grant it,.until he hears His words; then escort to his secure place (9:6)
Fight those who make not unlawful what is unlawful (9:29)
Fight until the jizya is payed (9:29)
Give the Rabbis and Monks tidings of a painful punishment (9:34)
Please Him (9:62)
Let them be (9:95)
Act (9:105)
Rejoice in the contracted bargain with Him (9:111)
Keep His limits (9:112)
Be with the truthful (9:119)
Fight the kufār close to you (9:123)
Be harsh with them (9:123)
Serve Him (10:3)
If they challenge the Qur’an, ask them to bring a Surah like it (10:38)
Declare yourself quit of them (10:41)
Consider that the punishment can come at any time (10:50)
Take a straight path (10:89)
Look at what is in the heavens and the Earth (10:101)
Humble yourself unto Him (11:23)
Be clement, compassionate, penitent (11:75)
Be right-minded (11:78)
Right ordering (11:88)
Watch (11:93)
Fear the punishment of the hereafter (11:103)
Uphold the prayer at both ends of the day, and at the night’s approach (11:114)
Forbid corruption (11:116)
Use reason (12:2)
Pick imprisonment over sexual immorality (12:33)
Invite to Him with insight (12:108)
Respond to Him (13:18)
Join what’s commanded to be joined (13:21)
Avert evil with good (13:22)
Find rest in remembrance (13:28)
Be patient wherein you are hindered (14:12)
Fear His station (14:14)
Speak a good word (14:24)
Leave them to enjoy themselves (15:3)
Give glory (15:98)
Warn that there is no God save Him (16:2)
Be virtuous (16:32)
Ask the people of the remembrance if you know not (16:43)
When you recite the Qur’an, seek refuge from the accursed satan (16:98)
Falsely declare things to be lawful/unlawful (16:116)
Repent, despite committing evil out of ignorance (16:119)
Invite with wisdom, comely admonition, and dispute with what is best (16:125)
Retaliate with the like of what wherewith you are harmed, save that you forgive (16:126)
Strive for the hereafter (17:19)
Good conduct to parents (17:23)
Speak to them a noble word (17:23)
Be gentle with them and make supplication for them (17:24)
Speak a gentle word to those who need charity, but you can’t provide (17:28)
Weigh with the straight balance (17:35)
Recite the Qur’an (17:45)
Say that which is best (17:53)
Uphold the prayer at the merging of the sun until the dark of the night (17:78)
Recite at dawn (17:78)
Keep a vigil with some of the night (17:79)
Ask God to cause you to enter a true entrance and to leave at a true exit (17;80)
Declare that truth has come, and vanity is to pass (17:81)
Declare Him a sufficient witness (17:96)
Perform salāt at a medium volume (17:110)
Whoso wills, let them believe – and vice versa (18:29)
Be steadfast in His ‘ibādah (19:65)
Eat and attend to your cattle (20:54)
Give glory before rising of the sun, before it’s setting, some of the night, and at two ends of the day (20:130)
Extend your eyes towards what has been granted to others (20:131)
Call in hope and fear (21:90)
Be a righteous servant (21:105)
Feed the unfortunate poor (22:28)
Make an end of unkemptness (22:29)
Fulfil vows (22:29)
Walk around that ancient house (22:29)
Honour the sacred things (22:30)
Avoid false speech and abomination of idols (22:30)
Incline to Him (22:31)
Honour the tokens of God (22:32)
Sacrifice at ancient house (22:33)
Remember His name over camels when they are in lines (22:36)
When their flanks collapse, eat thereof and feed the reticent poor and the beggar (22:36)
Be in ruku’, and sujood (22:77)
Be a mu’min (23:1)
Be humble in salāt (23:2)
Preserve chastity (23:5)
Preserve your salawāt (23:9)
Leave them in their flood of ignorance, for a time (23:54)
Have a heavy balance (23:102)
Lash the unchaste woman and the unchaste man each with 100 lashes, have no pity on them, and let it be witnessed by mu’minūn (24:2)
Lash those who accuse chaste women with insufficient witnesses with 80 lashes, and never accept them as a witness (24:4)
If you, as a visitor, are asked to leave, then leave (24:28)
If you are a man, lower your gaze (24:30)
As a woman, you should also lower the gaze, you must additionally not reveal adornment except what I’d apparent, and you should cover the bosom [except to listed people] (24:31)
Give in marriage the unmarried (24:32)
Abstain if you find not marriage (24:33)
Emancipate those who seek it, if there is good in them, and give them of your wealth (24:33)
Declare allegiance (24:51)
If you are part of one’s right hand possessions, or one who has not reached puberty yet, then – ask permission before entering at the three times of their nakedness (24:58)
Greet with a greeting from God (24:61)
Rest at night (25:47)
Walk modestly (25:63)
Speak peace when addressed by ignorants (25:63)
Spend the night standing and in sujūd (25:64)
Seek a middle ground when spending, if you must (25:63)
Pass by vain speech with dignity (25:72)
Request to Him that your wives and progeny be made a comfort, and make you a good model (25:74)
Obey the command of the committers of excess (26:151)
Warn relatives (26:214)
Help people out (28:25)
Seek provision with Him (29:17)
Discover how He originated creation (29:20)
Reflect within yourself (30:8)
Provide to MMA (30:28)
Set yourself towards the right natural deen (30:30)
Desire His face (30:38)
Prepare for yourself (30:44)
Grateful to parents (31:14)
Be modest in walk (31:19)
Lower the voice (31:19)
Fall in sujūd when reminded of proofs (32:15)
Forsake your bed (32:16)
Call the adopted children by their fathers (33:5)
Take the messenger as a model
Stay within houses [prophet wives] (33:33)
Give glory morning and evening (33:42)
Give those whom you divorce before consummation provision (33:49)
[Historic conduct regarding prophet’s house] (33:53)
Greet the prophet with a valuation (33:56)
Women draw down over themselves some garments, for recognition (33:59)
Stand up for God in twos and alone, then reflect (34:46)
Let the workers work (37:61)
Remember David, the repentant (38:17)
Be humbly obedient in the watches of the night (39:9)
Hope for His mercy (39:9)
Expand your breast to submission (39:22)
Experience a positive reaction to the Qur’an (39:23)
Come with the truth and live in accordance to it (39:33)
Follow the best of what is sent down (39:55)
Invite to your Lord (41:33)
Grow not weary in giving glory (41:38)
Take the Qur’an as a healing (41:44)
Defer disputes to His judgement (42:10)
Uphold the Deen (42:13)
Be in dread of the hour (42:18)
Love your kin (42:23)
Avoid enormities of sin and immorality (42:37)
Conduct affairs by mutual consultation (42:38)
Help yourself when insolence visits (42:39)
Remember His favour once settled on cattle (43:13)
Watch for the day of the obvious smoke (44:10)
Watch (44:59)
Forgive those who look not for His days (45:14)
Follow the sharī’a (45:18)
Keep to the path (46:13)
[Say what is mentioned upon reaching fourty] (46:15)
Believe in what was sent down upon Muhammad (47:2)
Smite the necks of those in kufr when in battle (47:4)
Grace or ransom war captives (47:4)
Help Him (47:7)
Be obedient (47:21)
Consider the Qur’an with care (47:24)
Sue for peace when you have the upper hand (47:35)
Honour the messenger (48:9)
Be hard against those in kufr (48:29)
Lower voice in presence of messenger (49:3)
Verify the report of a perfidious one (49:6)
Make right between groups of mu’minūn (49:9)
Fight the oppressive group (49:9)
Make right between brothers (49:10)
Preserve modesty and duties (50:32)
Give ear with a conscious mind (50:37)
Glorify at the ends of the sujūd (50:40)
Listen for the day that the Caller will call from near (50:41)
Sleep little of the night (51:17)
Ask forgiveness before break of day (51:18)
Give glory when arising (52:48)
Give glory at the retreat of the stars (52:49)
Remember the ayah of the ark (54:15)
Remember the Qur’an, which is easy for remembrance (54:17)
Remember destruction of sects (54:51)
Fear His standing (55:46)
Aim to be of the sābiqūn (56:10)
Touch the Qur’an only when purified (56:79)
Aim to be of the muqarrabūn (56:88)
Fight before victories (57:10)
Lend to Him a goodly loan (57:11)
Compete for forgiveness (57:21)
Observe good/neutral innovations with due observation (57:27)
If you go back on what you have said, then free a slave before touching [other circumstances in next verse] (58:3)
When engaging in private conversation, don’t allow it to be of a sinful kind (58:9)
Make room in the assemblies when instructed; arise when instructed (58:11)
[Charity before conversation with messenger historically] (58:12)
What the messenger gives you, take it [and opposite] (59:7)
Protect from avarice of the nafs (59:9)
Look to what you have sent ahead for the morrow (59:18)
Take Abraham and his companions as good models [see full verse] (60:4)
Examine the emigrated women, to determine their faith; if they are mu’mināt, send them not back (60:10)
Return the mahr to those whom have had wives flee to kuffār (60:11)
Fight in compacted ranks (61:4)
When the call for the Friday salāt is heard, hasten to it (62:9)
Disperse upon completion, seek His bounty (62:10)
Spend before death arrives (63:10)
Beware of enemies amongst wives and children (64:14)
Listen to the Qur’an (64:16)
Count waiting period after divorce (65:1)
Turn not divorcees out of house, unless they commit immorality (65:1)
Seperation to be witnessed by two just men (65:2)
If no menstruation, count three months (65:4)
If pregnant, wait until end (65:4)
Lodge then where you are, according to means, don’t press them (65:6)
Spend if they have a child, until delivered (65:6)
If they suckle, give them their reward; consult honourably (65:6)
If difficulties between you, let another suckle (65:6)
Let him with abundance spend out of it (65:7)
Fear your Lord while unseen (67:12)
Walk in the tracts (67:15)
Be patient with comely patience (70:5)
Be constant in your salāt (70:23)
Confirm.the day of judgment (70:26)
Be in dread of the punishment (70:27)
Be upright in your witness (70:33)
Preserve you salāt (70:34)
Follow the broad ways of the Earth (71:20)
Recite the Qur’an distinctly (73:4)
Devote yourself completely to Him (73:8)
Recite what is made easy of the Qur’an (73:20)
Magnify Him (74:3)
Purify your garments (74:4)
Foresake defilement (74:5)
Give food out of love of Him to the prisoner (76:8)
Seek a way to paradise (76:18)
Remember His name morning and evening (76:25)
If you have a plan then plan against Him [challenge] (77:39)
Be lowly (77:48)
Take the day as a living (78:11)
Take your Lord as a journey’s end (78:39)
Fear His station (79:40)
Let aspire those who aspire (83:26)
Let look at what you are created from (86:5)
Take heed (87:10)
Purify yourself (87:14)
Remember His name (87:15)
Look at the creation of the camel, sky, mountain, Earth (88:20)
Free a slave (90:13)
Feed in a day of starvation a fatherless relation, or a needy one in misery (90:16)
Counsel one another to compassion (90:17)
Increase the nafs in purity (91:9)
Confirm the best (92:6)
Recount His favour (93:11)
When unoccupied, make ready (94:7)
Turn your desire to Him (94:8)
Enjoin prudent fear (96:12)
Draw near (96:19)
Be pleased with Him (98:8)
Have a heavy balance (101:6)
Counsel each other to truth (103:3)
Sacrifice (108:2)
Declare that you serve not what those in kufr serve (109:2)
Declare the oneness.of Him (112:1)
Seek refuge in Him from the evil of what He created, the darkness, the blowers on knots, and the envier (113:5)
Seek refuge from the evil of the retreating whisperer (114:4)
Make equals with God (2:22)
Deny before bringing a surah like it (2:24)
Break the agreement (2:27)
Work corruption in the land (2:27)
Deny the āyāt (2:39)
Conceal truth knowingly (2:42)
Enjoin virtue and forget yourselves (2:44)
Ask to see/interact with Him openly (2:55)
Change the saying (2:59)
Complain (2:61)
Kill prophets (2:61)
Exceed bounds / Transgress (2:61)
Transgress the Sabbath (2:65)
Ask unnecessary/excessive questions (2:71)
Assume (2:78)
Fabricate a kitāb, claiming it’s from God (2:79)
Ascribe what you know not (2:80)
Allow offenses to encompass you (2:81)
Kill amongst you and turn out of homes (2:84)
Assist in sin (2:85)
Believe in part of the kitāb and reject the rest (2:85)
Buy this life over the hereafter (2:86)
Wax proud (2:87)
Claim that your heart is covered (2:88)
Deny what God has sent (2:90)
Ignore/Deny clear signs (2:92)
Commit shirk (2:96)
Be an enemy to Him, angels, messenger, or Gabriel and Michael (2:98)
Practice sihr (2:102)
Say “attend to us” (2:104)
Ask Muhammad the same way that Moses was asked (2:108)
Exchange security for kufr (2:108)
Attempt to bring people into kufr (2:109)
Claim who enters paradise (2:111)
Hinder places places of worship (2:114)
Say that He has a son (2:116)
Follow vain desires (2:120)
Be in kufr (2:126)
Be averse to the creed of Abraham (2:130)
Die save you are submitting (2:132)
Conceal witness from Him (2:140)
Say that those matyred are dead (2:154)
Follow the footsteps of shaytān (2:168)
Commit evil (2:169)
Commit the immorality (2:169)
Follow/Trust forefathers blindly (2:170)
Eat carrion, blood, or flesh of al-khinzīr (2:173)
Eat what is dedicated to other than Him (2:173)
Buy punishment at the price of forgiveness (2:175)
Differ concerning the kitāb (2:176)
Transgress after qisās settlement (2:178)
Change the will (2:181)
Lie with women when remaining in masājid (2:187)
Consume wealth in vanity (2:188)
Bribery (2:188)
Shave head until animal is at slaughter place (2:196)
Destroy yourself (2:195)
Have sex, do perfidity, or quarrel during hajj (2:197)
Ask God to give to you in the World (2:200)
Complete the hajj in less than two days (2:203)
Destroy tilth and progeny (2:205)
Have pride in sin (2:206)
Exchange favour of God for denial (2:211)
Fight in the sacred months (2:217)
Expel those of the inviolable masjid (2:217)
Consume khamr or engage in games of chance (2:219)
Marry mushrikīn until they are safe from calling to hell (2:221)
Approach women during menstruation (2:222)
Make God a cover for oaths (2:224)
Conceal pregnancy (2:228)
Take what you have given women unless they cannot uphold the limits (2:229)
Transgress the limits of God (2:229)
Remarriage not lawful till she marries someone else (2:230)
Retain women through harm (2:231)
Take ayāt in mockery (2:231)
Constrain not those whom you divorce from marrying spouses (2:232)
Allow a mothefather to be harmed by child (2:233)
Take an oath with those whom you intimated of women regarding proposal, save you speak a fitting word (2:235)
Decide upon knot of marriage until writ reaches it’s term (2:235)
Force others into the doctrine (2:256)
Hinder (2:262)
Commit immortality (2:268)
Consume usury (2:275)
Commit sin (2:276)
Conceal the witness (2:283)
Seek the interpretation of what is ambiguous, seeking fitnah (3:7)
Kill those who enjoin equity (3:21)
Say that the fire will touch for days numbered (3:24)
Take kāfirūn as allies (3:28)
Engage in scheming (3:54)
Dispute regarding what you have no knowledge in (3:66)
Clothe truth in vanity (3:71)
Seek outside the doctrine of God (3:83)
Deny after faith (3:86)
Obey a faction of those given the writ (3:100)
Be divided (3:103)
Take intimatez other than your own (3:118)
Consume usury (3:130)
Faint/Grieve (3:139)
Assume entry to jannah (3:142)
Weaken/Yield (3:146)
Be like those in kufr, who believe that different circumstances would have saved their brothers (3:156)
Coercion (3:161)
Incur His wrath (3:162)
Say with your mouths what isn’t in your heart (3:167)
Think that those killed in his cause are dead (3:169)
Fear not Satan’s allies (3:175)
Buy denial at the price of faith (3:177)
Be miserly with what God gives of His bounty (3:180)
Say that God is poor (3:181)
Having pride and pretending (3:188)
Exchange your bad things for their [fatherless] good things (4:2)
Polygamy if you fear that the fatherless will not be justly treated (4:3)
Give the incompetent your wealth (4:5)
Consume the property of the fatherless wastefully/hastily (4:6)
Try repent last minute (4:18)
Inheriting from/Constraining wiomen against their will – save that they commit fāhisha (4:19)
Take from the fortune that you gave your first wife for your new wife (4:20)
Marrying what your fathers married (4:22)
Marrying your mothers, daughters, sisters, p/m aunts, nieces, milk-mothers, milk-sisters, mothers-in-law, step-daughters under protection, daughters-in-law, being in wedlock with two biological sisters simultaneously (4:23)
Marrying married women – save MMA (4:24)
Take secret friends (4:25)
Kill those amongst you (4:29)
Consume wealth in vanity (4:29)
Wish for that by which Allah has made some of you exceed others (4:32)
Being a conceited boaster (4:36)
Being miserly and enjoining miserliness (4:37)
Spend wealth for recognition (4:38)
Oppose the messenger (4:42)
Approaching the salāt when intoxicated or unclean – save passing by upon the path – until you wash (4:43)
Twist tongue and slander the Deen (4:46)
Beliefs in fictions and tāghūt (4:51)
Envy the bounty of others (4:54)
Referring legislation to tāghūt (4:60)
Staying behind from fighting (4:72)
Try hiding away (4:78)
Conspiring (4:81)
Leaking information regarding public safety (4:83)
Interceding in an evil cause (4:85)
Killing a mu’min on purpose (4:92)
If one greets with peace, don’t declare them a non-mu’min (4:94)
Being sedentary (4:95)
Making excuses about being oppressed, to justify wronging their souls (4:97)
Faint in seeking the people (4:104)
Advocating for the treacherous (4:105)
Argue on behalf of those who decieve themselves (4:107)
Commit an offense upon an innocent (4:122)
Make a breach with the messenger after the guidance is clear (4:115)
Following desires, changing the creation (4:119)
Incline towards only one wife, leaving the other hanging (4:129)
Distort/Evade (4:135)
Wavering (4:137)
Sit with those who discourse vainly concerning the proofs of God until they move to another subject (4:140)
Seel to decieve God (4:142)
Performing the salāt to be seen (4:142)
Public mention of evil, save when wronged (4:148)
‘Choosing’ messengers (4:150)
Ask to see God (4:153)
Be tritheistic (4:171)
Hunt when forbidden (5:1)
Violate the tokens of God, or the inviolable month, or the offering, or the necklaces, or the visitors (5:2)
Commit injustice to those who turned you out of the inviolable place of worship (5:2)
Consume the strangled, the beaten, the fallen, the gored, that eaten by the beast of prey – save what is slaughtered, that sacrificed upon the alter (5:3)
Seek apportionment by divining arrows (5:3)
Deny the faith (5:5)
Claim that God is the Messiah, son of Mary (5:17)
Claim that you are His sons and beloved (5:18)
Kill another soul (5:30)
Fear mankind (5:44)
Take the Jews and Christians as allies (5:51)
Take those who take the dīn in mockery as allies (5:57)
Take the call to the salāt in mockery (5:58)
Claim that His hand is fettered (5:64)
Forbid the good things made lawful (5:87)
Kill game when forbidden (5:95)
[Expiation for killing] (5:95)
Ask about things that would distress you if made clear (5:101)
Follow forefathers (5:104)
Declare clear signs to be sorcery (5:110)
Take Jesus and Mary as gods (5:116)
Ask for angels (6:8)
Mock messengers (6:10)
Be among the mushrikīn (6:14)
Oppose Him (6:15)
Be a wrongdoer (6:21)
Declare the Qur’an to be be legend (6:25)
Claim that there is only one life (6:29)
Denial of the meeting (6:31)
Of the ignorant (6:35)
Call to other than Him (6:40)
Take an intercessor besides Him (6:51)
Drive away those seeking His face (6:52)
Sit with those who discourse vainly concerning His proofs (6:68)
Take your deen as play and diversion 6:70)
Clothe the faith with injustice (6:82)
Deny the Writ, judgment, and prophethood (6:89)
Claim revelation (6:93)
Be deluded (6:95)
Make the jinn partners of God (6:100)
Revile those whom are called besides Him (6:108)
Seek other than Him.as a judge (6:114)
Be of the doubtful (6:114)
Obey most on Earth (6:116)
Lead astray by vain desires without knowledge (6:119)
Eat not that over which His name has not been remembered (6:121)
Assigning a share of His creation to partners (6:136)
Declaring things to be taboo (6:138)
Kill your children (6:140)
Make unlawful what He has provided you (6:140)
Commit excess (6:141)
Approach open or concealed immorality (6:151)
Follow other ways (6:153)
Wait for angels (6:158)
Divide the deen into sects (6:159)
Allow the satan to subject you to fitnah (7:27)
Commit excess when eating and drinking (7:31)
Make unlawful the adornment of God (7:32)
Sectarian zealotry (7:33)
Wax proud at proofs (7:36)
Be a mujrim (7:40)
Seek to make His path crooked (7:45)
Name names with no authority (7:71)
Scorn His command (7:77)
Approach men with lust, rather than women (7:80)
Lie in wait on the road, threatening and turning away from The Path (7:86)
Being blind to lessons (7:95)
Bribe using promise of power (7:114)
Bewitch people (7:116)
Be stubborn (7:132)
Be heedless of proofs (7:136)
Follow that path of the workers of corruption (7:142)
Take the wrong path, ignore the path of sound judgment (7:146)
Be impatient over His command (7:150)
Be a forger (7:152)
Scorn what you’ve been forbidden.(7:166)
Deviate concerning His names (7:180)
Public speech (7:205)
Dispute the truth after it’s clear (8:6)
Retreat (8:15)
Turn away when you are near (8:20)
Pretend to hear (8:21)
Betray (8:27)
Turn away from the inviolable place of submission (8:34)
Make a mockery of the salāt (8:35)
Spend wealth on turning away from path of God (8:36)
Dispute together (8:46)
Be boastful (8:47)
Let those in kufr believe that they got away (8:59)
Bear tidings of a painful punishment to the mushrikīn with whom a covenant has been made, who haven’t been deficient towards you in anything, nor assisted anyone against you (9:4)
Allow your beloved things to be dearer to you than Him and His messenger (9:24)
Allow the mushrikīn to approach the inviolable place of submission (9:28)
Take Rabbis and Monks as lords (9:31)
Wrong yourselves concerning the count of months (9:36)
Engage in their postponement (9:37)
Spend unwillingly (9:54)
Come to the prayer as an idler (9:54)
Allow their wealth and children to impress you (9:55)
Complain regarding charity distribution (9:58)
Hinder the prophet (9:61)
Enjoin perversity and forbid what is fitting (9:67)
Withhold His bounty and turn away (9:76)
Deride the believers who willingly give charity (9:79)
Remain behind due to weather (9:81)
Perform the funeral prayer for any one of them (9:84)
Staying behind due to affluence (9:86)
Make excuses (9:94)
Take what you spend as a loss, await reversals (9:98)
Take a place of submission in harm and denial (9:107)
Ask forgiveness for the mushrikīn (9:113)
Go forth all at once (9:122)
Look not for the meeting (10:7)
Neglect after being helped (10:12)
Desire for the Qur’an to be changed (10:15)
Rebel in the Earth after being delivered (10:23)
Deny before interpretation arrives to you (10:39)
Allow their speech to grieve you (10:65)
Repent too late (10:91)
Hide away (11:5)
Wish that a treasure or an angel had been sent upon him.(11:12)
Make the path crooked (11:19)
Dismiss on basis of mortality and lack of bounty (11:27)
Claim that your deity caused messenger to be touched with evil (11:54)
Follow that command of tyrants (11:59)
Heed due to their disappointment (11:62)
Decrease the measure and the balance (11:84)
Respevt others for power more than you do Him (11:92)
Rely upon those who do wrong (11:113)
Reveal dreams that could cause enmity (12:5)
Falsify evidence (12:18)
Sexual assault (12:23)
Despair of the comfort of God (12:87)
Deny physical resurrection (13:5)
Seek to hasten the evil instead of the good (13:6)
Sever what’s commanded to be joined (13:25)
Become bored when being presented with ayāt (14:9)
Threaten to expell warners (14:13)
Respond to Satan (14:22)
Speak a bad word (14:26)
Ignore similitudes (14:45)
Be of those who despair (15:55)
Refuse to provide rights and hospitality (15:70)
Build bunkers to feel secure from Him (15:82)
Make the Qur’an into parts (15:91)
Seek to hasten the command (16:1)
Be an open disputant (16:4)
Offer submission too late (16:28)
Appoint daughters for Him (16:57)
Refuse to give provision to those that their right hands posses (16:71)
Make conceptual comparisons for God (16:74)
Be a burden (16:76)
Take oaths as deception (16:92)
Take another disposer of affairs (17:2)
Being hasty (17:11)
Be perfidious (17:16)
Say “fie” to / Repell old parents (17:23)
Squander wastefully (17:26)
Be extreme on both ends of charity (17:29)
Kill your children for fear of poverty (17:31)
Approach zina (17:32)
Commit excess in lawful killing (17:33)
Walk exultantly (17:37)
Be neither loud nor quiet in salāt (17:110)
Say that you will do something later without declaring that it’s dependant upon God’s will (18:23)
Show-off (18:34)
Declare something to be eternal (18:35)
Be contentious (18:54)
Try refuting the truth (18:56)
Do shirk in the ‘ibadah of Him (18:110)
Follow lusts instead of the salāt (19:59)
Deny, then claim that you will recieve wealth and children (19:77)
Neglect the rememberance (20:42)
Carry injustice (20:111)
Oppose His command (20:121)
Have a distracted heart (21:3)
Declare the Qur’an to make no sense (21:5)
Declare yourself to be a God (21:29)
Be devoted to statues (21:52)
Divide your affair amongst yourselves (21:93)
Serve upon an edge (22:11)
Be a treacherous ingrate (22:38)
Take what Satan casts as a fitnah for you (22:53)
Seek behind relations with wives or MMA (23:7)
Declare His promise to be far-fetched (23:36)
Be self-exalting (23:46)
Divide your command into writings (23:53)
Talk to no purpose into the night (23:67)
Have a light balance (23:103)
Marry other than one unchaste or a mushrik, if you are unchaste (24:3)
Accuse chaste women without sufficient witnesses (24:4)
Love that there be spread of immorality (24:19)
Swear not to give (24:22)
Enter other’s houses without having asked leave nor greeted those therein (24:27)
Strike feet to reveal adornment [for women] (24:31)
Compel your girls to whoredom, if they desire chastity (24:33)
Submit only when the truth is to your liking (24:49)
Swear that you’d do what the messenger commands (24:53)
Slip away surreptitiously (24:63)
Be greatly scornful (25:21)
Make friends with wrong people (25:28)
Abandon the Qur’an (25:30)
Take desires as a god (25:43)
Spend extravagantly and miserly (25:67)
Bear witness to falsehood (25:72)
Disbelieve on basis of abject followers (26:111)
Build bunkers to live forever (26:129)
Lay hold as tyrants (26:130)
Cheat with men (26:166)
Follow poets (26:224)
Hasten on the evil before the good (27:46)
Commit immorality with open eyes (27:54)
Approach men with lust instead of women (27:55)
Divide and oppress people (28:4)
Seek the ignorant (28:55)
Exult in riches (28:76)
Assume that you won’t be tried (29:2)
Obey parents who compel you to shirk (29:8)
Take idols as love between you and the life of this world (29:25)
Cut off the way (29:29)
Commit perversity in your assemblies (29:29)
Continued in the comments.
submitted by TheQuranicMumin to Quraniyoon [link] [comments]
I've attempted to compile the "do's and don'ts" of the Qur'an, the following list is all OC. I very likely have made some mistakes/errors in judgment whilst compiling - or missed things out, so please do comment and point things out, i'll edit the post.
Enjoy :)
﷽
Do this:
Serve God (1:5)Ask God for help (1:5)
Believe in Unseen (2:3)
Uphold the salāt (2:3)
Believe in the Qur’an and what preceded it (2:4)
Be certain of the Hereafter (2:4)
If in doubt, bring a Surah like it (2:23)
If there comes to you guidance from Him, follow it (2:38)
Render the zakāt (2:43)
Be in ruku’ (2:43)
Use reason (2:44)
Seek help in patience and salāt (2:45)
Consider your meeting with the Lord (2:46)
Be in prudent fear of the judgment day (2:48)
Trust in God, the last day, and do good (2:62)
Be good to parents (2:83)
Be good to kin, fatherless or the poor (2:83)
Be in prudent fear (2:103)
Say “look at us” (2:104)
Pardon and forbear (2:109)
Send good ahead (2:110)
Bring proof of claims (2:111)
Submit to God (2:112)
Do Good (2:82)
Trust in God and the last day (2:126)
Hold to the creed of Abraham (2:135)
Say that you trust in Him, what He has sent down (2:136)
Make no distinction between the prophets (2:136)
Immerse in Him (2:138)
Respond to those who say that Abraham (and descendants) were Christians/Jews with “know you better, or does God?” (2:140)
Direct your face to the inviolable place of worship wherever you are (2:144)
Remember Him (2:152)
Be grateful to Him (2:152)
Be patient (2:153)
Bear glad tidings to the patient (2:155)
Repent / Ask forgiveness (2:160)
Love Him (2:165)
Eat what is halāl or tayyeb (2:168)
Trust in Him, the last day, the angels, the Writ, the prophets (2:177)
Give wealth to relatives, the fatherless, the needy, and the wayfarer (2:177)
Manumit slaves (2:177)
Keep a covenant when you make it (2:177)
Qisās ‘prescribed’ (2:178)
Pay blood-money if no Qisās (2:178)
Will ‘prescribed’ (2:180)
Make right when you notice testator partiality (2:182)
Fasting in general ‘prescribed’ (2:183)
If sick or on journey, carry fasting forward (2:184)
Pay fidya if fast missed (2:184)
Fast in Ramadān (2:185)
Respond to Him (2:186)
Trust Him (2:186)
Lie with women after fasting (2:187)
Seek what he prescribed (2:187)
Eat and drink until the white thead is clear from the dark, then fast till sunset (2:187)
Approach houses by doors (2:189)
Fight those who fight you (2:190)
Kill those who fight you (2:191)
Turn out those who turned you out (2:191)
Don’t fight in the inviolable masjid until fought (2:191)
Fight until they desist, or until the end of fitnah (2:193)
Qisās in the sacred months (2:194)
Spend in His cause (2:195)
Do the hajj (2:196)
Do the offering of animals if not possible (2:196)
If sick, or hindrance of the head: redemption by fasting, charity, or penance (2:196)
If cannot attend, fast three days during it, the seven days upon return, save if family is permanently resident on site (2:196)
Take provision (2:197)
Remember Him at al-mash’ar al-harām (2:198)
Pour forth from where men have poured forth (2:199)
Remember Him like the remembrance of your father or stronger, after rites finished (2:200)
Ask Him to give you good in the World and Hereafter, and to protect you from the punishment (2:201)
Sell yourself for Him (2:207)
Enter into submission completely (2:208)
Fighting ‘prescribed’ (2:216)
Trust (2:218)
Emigrate (2:218)
Strive in His cause (2:218)
Hope for his mercy (2:218)
Spend the surplus (2:219)
Approach purified women in the correct manner (2:222)
Purify yourself (2:222)
Bear glad tidings to the mu’minūn (2:223)
Wait four months after foreswearing women (2:226)
Divorced women wait themselves for three menstrural courses (2:228)
When divorcing, retain them or release them (2:231)
Remember His favour (2:231)
Children are suckled for two ‘haūl’ (2:233)
Father provides provision and clothing (2:233)
Widows must wait for 4 months and ten days (2:234)
When divorcing her and you haven’t touched her nor appointed an obligation for her, make her a gift (2:236)
If they have an obligation appointed, then give half, unless forgoed (2:237)
Don’t forget the bounty between you two (2:237)
Preserve the salawāt (2:238)
Stand up for God humbly obedient (2:238)
If in fear, waking or riding (2:239)
Widows are to recieve one years maintenance with no expulsion (2:240)
Divorced women recieve provision (2:241)
Fight in His cause (2:244)
Spend of what He provided (2:254)
Deny tāghūt (2:257)
Spend in His cause (2:261)
Give up usury (2:278)
Defer money return until ease upon borrower (2:280)
[Follow debt contract instructions] (2:282)
If on journey and no writer, then a pledge in hand (2:283)
Make no distinction between messengers (2:285)
Obey Him (2:285)
Be truthful (3:17)
Seek forgiveness at dawn (3:17)
Be obedient (3:17)
Bear witness that there is no God save He (3:18)
Ask those given the writ and the unschooled if they’ve submitted (3:20)
Obey Him and the Messenger (3:32)
If they turn away, bear witness that you are submitting (3:64)
Fulfil your covenant (3:76)
Make no distinction between the prophets (3:84)
Spend of what you love (3:92)
Make pilgrimage to the house (3:97)
Hold fast to Him (3:101)
Hold fast to the rope of God together (3:103)
Have a community that invites to God, enjoins what is fitting, and forbids perversity (3:104)
Compete in good deeds (3:114)
Place trust in Him (3:122)
Be in prudent fear of the fire (3:131)
Vie with each other for forgiveness (3:133)
Control wrath (3:134)
Travel in the Earth to see the final outcome of the deniers (3:137)
Seek His approval (3:162)
Respond to God after injury befalls (3:172)
Fear Him (3:175)
Remember Allah standing, sitting, on the sides; reflect on the creation (3:191)
Be steady (3:200)
Give the fatherless their property (4:2)
If there is an injustice of the fatherless, then perform polygamy (4:3)
Give women their dowries (4:4)
If they remit anything voluntarily, then consume it with satisfaction and pleasure (4:4)
Feed and clothe the incompetent (4:5)
Test the fatherless when they reach marriage, if they are sound then give their property with witnesses (4:6)
Men/Women have a designated share of what parents/relatives leave (4:7)
If the fatherless and needy are at the site of division, then give part of what is left (4:8)
[Inheritance laws] (4:12-13)
[*] (4:15-16)
If you can’t marry free women, then from MMA of believing maids, marry them with the leave of their people (4:25)
MMA are due half the punishment of free women if they commit fāhisha (4:25)
Avoid enormities of whats forbidden (4:31)
For men and women is a share of what they earned (4:32)
Give shares to those whom your oaths have bound (4:33)
Men have responsibility over women (4:34)
Women are to be humbly obedient and keeping unseen what God keeps (4:34)
If you fear contempt from your women, then admonish them, and leave in beds apart, and [*] them – save that they obey you (4:34)
If a breach is feared, then an arbitrator from both sides are to be raised (4:35)
Good conduct towards relatives, the fatherless, the needy, the neighbour, the companion, the wayfarers, and MMA (4:36)
Spend of what Allah provides (4:39)
If you are ill, on a journey, have defecated, or had intercourse, and find not water, then perform tayammum (4:43)
Deliver trusts to owners and judge with justice (4:58)
Obey those in authority amongst you (4:59)
If you differ in a matter, refer to God and the Messenger (4:59)
Turn away from munāfiqūn, and admonish them (4:63)
Ask the messenger to ask forgiveness for you (4:64)
Take precaution and advance in groups/together (4:71)
Fight satan’s allies (4:76)
Consider the Qur’an with care (4:82)
Interceding in a good cause (4:85)
When you are greeted, return it, or greet with something greater (4:86)
Take not that munāfiqūn as allies until they emigrate in His cause, if they turn back then kill them (4:89)
If they withdraw and offer peace, you have no path against them (4:90)
Accidental murder of a mu’min: Manumit a mu’min slave and give blood-momey to family – save forgiveness (4:92)
Fast two months consecutively if not possible (4:92)
Verify/investigate when you go forth in His cause (4:94)
When you are amongst them then perform the salāt for them[follow procedure mentioned] (4:102)
When that salāt is concluded, remember Him standing, sitting, on the sides, and when at ease (4:103)
The salāt is required to be performed at set times for the mu’minūn (4:103)
Submit your face to Him, do good, follow the creed of Abraham (4:125)
Stand up for equity for the fatherless (4:127)
Be witnesses to God (4:135)
Bear tidings to the munāfiqūn (4:138)
Desist from tritheism (4:171)
[Kalalah inheritance] (4:176)
Fulfil contracts (5:1)
Assist one another to virtue (5:2)
Eat from what is caught by what you have trained of animals of prey as trainers (5:4)
When you rise for the prayer, wash the face, the hands, the arm, and the feet to the ankles (5:6)
If you are unclean, then purify yourself (5:6)
Lend to God a goodly loan (5:12)
Bury after death? (5:31)
If one wages war against God and His messenger, and work corruption in the land: Then kill them, or crucify [or put to death by stake] them, ot their hands and feet be cut off, or they be banished (5:33)
Seek to Him the means of approach (5:35)
[Punishment for stealing] (5:38)
Let ahl al-injīl judge by what God sent (5:47)
Take Him, His messenger, and those who trusted as allies (5:56)
Be moderate (5:66)
Prevent one another from performing perversity (5:79)
Eat of what God has provided from what is lawful and good (5:88)
[Oath expiation] (5:89)
Avoid khamr, games of change, altars, and divining arrows (5:90)
Bear responsibility for yourself (5:105)
[Testimony after death] (5:106)
Listen (5:108)
Travel in the Earth to see the final outcomes of the deniers (6:11)
Use reason (6:32)
Call to Him (6:41)
Humble yourself (6:43)
Turn in repentance after committing evil by ignorance (6:54)
Measure God with the measure due (6:91)
Preserve your salāt (6:92)
Leave those who fabricate, and what they fabricate (6:112)
Eat over which His name has been remembered (6:118)
Leave the outwardness and the inwardness of sin (6:120)
Work according to your power (6:135)
Render due on day of harvest (6:141)
Inform with knowledge when making claim (6:143)
Follow the straight path (6:153)
Dedicate your salāt, penance, your living, and your dying to Him (6:162)
Uphold countenances at every place of submission (7:29)
Call to Him sincere in doctrine (7:29)
Take your adornment at every place of submission (7:31)
Acknowledge Messengers when they come (7:35)
Call to Him humbly and in secret (7:55)
Be patient for the judgment (7:87)
Repent and believe after evil deeds (7:153)
Follow the unschooled prophet (7:157)
Forbid evil (7:165)
Use your [metaphoric] senses (7:179)
Call to Him by his names (7:180)
Call your partners and see if they respond (7:194)
Seek refuge in Him from the satan, if provoked (7:200)
Heed to the Qur’an and listen attentively (7:204)
Reserve spoils for God and His messenger (8:1)
Make right in what is between you (8:1)
Respond to Him and His messenger when He calls you to what gives you life (8:24)
Fight until no fitnah (8:39)
If they turn away know that He’s your protector (8:40)
What you obtain of spoils, a fifth belongs to God, His messenger, relatives, fatherless, the poor, and wayfarer (8:41)
If you fear treachery, cast them back (8:58)
Prepare forces and calvary to terrify them (8:60)
If they incline to peace, then incline to it (8:61)
Consume what you took of spoils (8:69)
Strive with four property and lives (8:72)
Help those who seek help within the deen (8:72)
Bear tidings to those in kufr of a painful punishment (9:3)
Kill, seize, ambush, and restrain the mushrikīn once the inviolable months have passed (9:5)
Release them if they repent, and perform the prayer, and render the zakāt (9:5)
If a mushrik seeks protection, grant it,.until he hears His words; then escort to his secure place (9:6)
Fight those who make not unlawful what is unlawful (9:29)
Fight until the jizya is payed (9:29)
Give the Rabbis and Monks tidings of a painful punishment (9:34)
Please Him (9:62)
Let them be (9:95)
Act (9:105)
Rejoice in the contracted bargain with Him (9:111)
Keep His limits (9:112)
Be with the truthful (9:119)
Fight the kufār close to you (9:123)
Be harsh with them (9:123)
Serve Him (10:3)
If they challenge the Qur’an, ask them to bring a Surah like it (10:38)
Declare yourself quit of them (10:41)
Consider that the punishment can come at any time (10:50)
Take a straight path (10:89)
Look at what is in the heavens and the Earth (10:101)
Humble yourself unto Him (11:23)
Be clement, compassionate, penitent (11:75)
Be right-minded (11:78)
Right ordering (11:88)
Watch (11:93)
Fear the punishment of the hereafter (11:103)
Uphold the prayer at both ends of the day, and at the night’s approach (11:114)
Forbid corruption (11:116)
Use reason (12:2)
Pick imprisonment over sexual immorality (12:33)
Invite to Him with insight (12:108)
Respond to Him (13:18)
Join what’s commanded to be joined (13:21)
Avert evil with good (13:22)
Find rest in remembrance (13:28)
Be patient wherein you are hindered (14:12)
Fear His station (14:14)
Speak a good word (14:24)
Leave them to enjoy themselves (15:3)
Give glory (15:98)
Warn that there is no God save Him (16:2)
Be virtuous (16:32)
Ask the people of the remembrance if you know not (16:43)
When you recite the Qur’an, seek refuge from the accursed satan (16:98)
Falsely declare things to be lawful/unlawful (16:116)
Repent, despite committing evil out of ignorance (16:119)
Invite with wisdom, comely admonition, and dispute with what is best (16:125)
Retaliate with the like of what wherewith you are harmed, save that you forgive (16:126)
Strive for the hereafter (17:19)
Good conduct to parents (17:23)
Speak to them a noble word (17:23)
Be gentle with them and make supplication for them (17:24)
Speak a gentle word to those who need charity, but you can’t provide (17:28)
Weigh with the straight balance (17:35)
Recite the Qur’an (17:45)
Say that which is best (17:53)
Uphold the prayer at the merging of the sun until the dark of the night (17:78)
Recite at dawn (17:78)
Keep a vigil with some of the night (17:79)
Ask God to cause you to enter a true entrance and to leave at a true exit (17;80)
Declare that truth has come, and vanity is to pass (17:81)
Declare Him a sufficient witness (17:96)
Perform salāt at a medium volume (17:110)
Whoso wills, let them believe – and vice versa (18:29)
Be steadfast in His ‘ibādah (19:65)
Eat and attend to your cattle (20:54)
Give glory before rising of the sun, before it’s setting, some of the night, and at two ends of the day (20:130)
Extend your eyes towards what has been granted to others (20:131)
Call in hope and fear (21:90)
Be a righteous servant (21:105)
Feed the unfortunate poor (22:28)
Make an end of unkemptness (22:29)
Fulfil vows (22:29)
Walk around that ancient house (22:29)
Honour the sacred things (22:30)
Avoid false speech and abomination of idols (22:30)
Incline to Him (22:31)
Honour the tokens of God (22:32)
Sacrifice at ancient house (22:33)
Remember His name over camels when they are in lines (22:36)
When their flanks collapse, eat thereof and feed the reticent poor and the beggar (22:36)
Be in ruku’, and sujood (22:77)
Be a mu’min (23:1)
Be humble in salāt (23:2)
Preserve chastity (23:5)
Preserve your salawāt (23:9)
Leave them in their flood of ignorance, for a time (23:54)
Have a heavy balance (23:102)
Lash the unchaste woman and the unchaste man each with 100 lashes, have no pity on them, and let it be witnessed by mu’minūn (24:2)
Lash those who accuse chaste women with insufficient witnesses with 80 lashes, and never accept them as a witness (24:4)
If you, as a visitor, are asked to leave, then leave (24:28)
If you are a man, lower your gaze (24:30)
As a woman, you should also lower the gaze, you must additionally not reveal adornment except what I’d apparent, and you should cover the bosom [except to listed people] (24:31)
Give in marriage the unmarried (24:32)
Abstain if you find not marriage (24:33)
Emancipate those who seek it, if there is good in them, and give them of your wealth (24:33)
Declare allegiance (24:51)
If you are part of one’s right hand possessions, or one who has not reached puberty yet, then – ask permission before entering at the three times of their nakedness (24:58)
Greet with a greeting from God (24:61)
Rest at night (25:47)
Walk modestly (25:63)
Speak peace when addressed by ignorants (25:63)
Spend the night standing and in sujūd (25:64)
Seek a middle ground when spending, if you must (25:63)
Pass by vain speech with dignity (25:72)
Request to Him that your wives and progeny be made a comfort, and make you a good model (25:74)
Obey the command of the committers of excess (26:151)
Warn relatives (26:214)
Help people out (28:25)
Seek provision with Him (29:17)
Discover how He originated creation (29:20)
Reflect within yourself (30:8)
Provide to MMA (30:28)
Set yourself towards the right natural deen (30:30)
Desire His face (30:38)
Prepare for yourself (30:44)
Grateful to parents (31:14)
Be modest in walk (31:19)
Lower the voice (31:19)
Fall in sujūd when reminded of proofs (32:15)
Forsake your bed (32:16)
Call the adopted children by their fathers (33:5)
Take the messenger as a model
Stay within houses [prophet wives] (33:33)
Give glory morning and evening (33:42)
Give those whom you divorce before consummation provision (33:49)
[Historic conduct regarding prophet’s house] (33:53)
Greet the prophet with a valuation (33:56)
Women draw down over themselves some garments, for recognition (33:59)
Stand up for God in twos and alone, then reflect (34:46)
Let the workers work (37:61)
Remember David, the repentant (38:17)
Be humbly obedient in the watches of the night (39:9)
Hope for His mercy (39:9)
Expand your breast to submission (39:22)
Experience a positive reaction to the Qur’an (39:23)
Come with the truth and live in accordance to it (39:33)
Follow the best of what is sent down (39:55)
Invite to your Lord (41:33)
Grow not weary in giving glory (41:38)
Take the Qur’an as a healing (41:44)
Defer disputes to His judgement (42:10)
Uphold the Deen (42:13)
Be in dread of the hour (42:18)
Love your kin (42:23)
Avoid enormities of sin and immorality (42:37)
Conduct affairs by mutual consultation (42:38)
Help yourself when insolence visits (42:39)
Remember His favour once settled on cattle (43:13)
Watch for the day of the obvious smoke (44:10)
Watch (44:59)
Forgive those who look not for His days (45:14)
Follow the sharī’a (45:18)
Keep to the path (46:13)
[Say what is mentioned upon reaching fourty] (46:15)
Believe in what was sent down upon Muhammad (47:2)
Smite the necks of those in kufr when in battle (47:4)
Grace or ransom war captives (47:4)
Help Him (47:7)
Be obedient (47:21)
Consider the Qur’an with care (47:24)
Sue for peace when you have the upper hand (47:35)
Honour the messenger (48:9)
Be hard against those in kufr (48:29)
Lower voice in presence of messenger (49:3)
Verify the report of a perfidious one (49:6)
Make right between groups of mu’minūn (49:9)
Fight the oppressive group (49:9)
Make right between brothers (49:10)
Preserve modesty and duties (50:32)
Give ear with a conscious mind (50:37)
Glorify at the ends of the sujūd (50:40)
Listen for the day that the Caller will call from near (50:41)
Sleep little of the night (51:17)
Ask forgiveness before break of day (51:18)
Give glory when arising (52:48)
Give glory at the retreat of the stars (52:49)
Remember the ayah of the ark (54:15)
Remember the Qur’an, which is easy for remembrance (54:17)
Remember destruction of sects (54:51)
Fear His standing (55:46)
Aim to be of the sābiqūn (56:10)
Touch the Qur’an only when purified (56:79)
Aim to be of the muqarrabūn (56:88)
Fight before victories (57:10)
Lend to Him a goodly loan (57:11)
Compete for forgiveness (57:21)
Observe good/neutral innovations with due observation (57:27)
If you go back on what you have said, then free a slave before touching [other circumstances in next verse] (58:3)
When engaging in private conversation, don’t allow it to be of a sinful kind (58:9)
Make room in the assemblies when instructed; arise when instructed (58:11)
[Charity before conversation with messenger historically] (58:12)
What the messenger gives you, take it [and opposite] (59:7)
Protect from avarice of the nafs (59:9)
Look to what you have sent ahead for the morrow (59:18)
Take Abraham and his companions as good models [see full verse] (60:4)
Examine the emigrated women, to determine their faith; if they are mu’mināt, send them not back (60:10)
Return the mahr to those whom have had wives flee to kuffār (60:11)
Fight in compacted ranks (61:4)
When the call for the Friday salāt is heard, hasten to it (62:9)
Disperse upon completion, seek His bounty (62:10)
Spend before death arrives (63:10)
Beware of enemies amongst wives and children (64:14)
Listen to the Qur’an (64:16)
Count waiting period after divorce (65:1)
Turn not divorcees out of house, unless they commit immorality (65:1)
Seperation to be witnessed by two just men (65:2)
If no menstruation, count three months (65:4)
If pregnant, wait until end (65:4)
Lodge then where you are, according to means, don’t press them (65:6)
Spend if they have a child, until delivered (65:6)
If they suckle, give them their reward; consult honourably (65:6)
If difficulties between you, let another suckle (65:6)
Let him with abundance spend out of it (65:7)
Fear your Lord while unseen (67:12)
Walk in the tracts (67:15)
Be patient with comely patience (70:5)
Be constant in your salāt (70:23)
Confirm.the day of judgment (70:26)
Be in dread of the punishment (70:27)
Be upright in your witness (70:33)
Preserve you salāt (70:34)
Follow the broad ways of the Earth (71:20)
Recite the Qur’an distinctly (73:4)
Devote yourself completely to Him (73:8)
Recite what is made easy of the Qur’an (73:20)
Magnify Him (74:3)
Purify your garments (74:4)
Foresake defilement (74:5)
Give food out of love of Him to the prisoner (76:8)
Seek a way to paradise (76:18)
Remember His name morning and evening (76:25)
If you have a plan then plan against Him [challenge] (77:39)
Be lowly (77:48)
Take the day as a living (78:11)
Take your Lord as a journey’s end (78:39)
Fear His station (79:40)
Let aspire those who aspire (83:26)
Let look at what you are created from (86:5)
Take heed (87:10)
Purify yourself (87:14)
Remember His name (87:15)
Look at the creation of the camel, sky, mountain, Earth (88:20)
Free a slave (90:13)
Feed in a day of starvation a fatherless relation, or a needy one in misery (90:16)
Counsel one another to compassion (90:17)
Increase the nafs in purity (91:9)
Confirm the best (92:6)
Recount His favour (93:11)
When unoccupied, make ready (94:7)
Turn your desire to Him (94:8)
Enjoin prudent fear (96:12)
Draw near (96:19)
Be pleased with Him (98:8)
Have a heavy balance (101:6)
Counsel each other to truth (103:3)
Sacrifice (108:2)
Declare that you serve not what those in kufr serve (109:2)
Declare the oneness.of Him (112:1)
Seek refuge in Him from the evil of what He created, the darkness, the blowers on knots, and the envier (113:5)
Seek refuge from the evil of the retreating whisperer (114:4)
Don’t do this:
Buy error at the price of guidance (2:16)Make equals with God (2:22)
Deny before bringing a surah like it (2:24)
Break the agreement (2:27)
Work corruption in the land (2:27)
Deny the āyāt (2:39)
Conceal truth knowingly (2:42)
Enjoin virtue and forget yourselves (2:44)
Ask to see/interact with Him openly (2:55)
Change the saying (2:59)
Complain (2:61)
Kill prophets (2:61)
Exceed bounds / Transgress (2:61)
Transgress the Sabbath (2:65)
Ask unnecessary/excessive questions (2:71)
Assume (2:78)
Fabricate a kitāb, claiming it’s from God (2:79)
Ascribe what you know not (2:80)
Allow offenses to encompass you (2:81)
Kill amongst you and turn out of homes (2:84)
Assist in sin (2:85)
Believe in part of the kitāb and reject the rest (2:85)
Buy this life over the hereafter (2:86)
Wax proud (2:87)
Claim that your heart is covered (2:88)
Deny what God has sent (2:90)
Ignore/Deny clear signs (2:92)
Commit shirk (2:96)
Be an enemy to Him, angels, messenger, or Gabriel and Michael (2:98)
Practice sihr (2:102)
Say “attend to us” (2:104)
Ask Muhammad the same way that Moses was asked (2:108)
Exchange security for kufr (2:108)
Attempt to bring people into kufr (2:109)
Claim who enters paradise (2:111)
Hinder places places of worship (2:114)
Say that He has a son (2:116)
Follow vain desires (2:120)
Be in kufr (2:126)
Be averse to the creed of Abraham (2:130)
Die save you are submitting (2:132)
Conceal witness from Him (2:140)
Say that those matyred are dead (2:154)
Follow the footsteps of shaytān (2:168)
Commit evil (2:169)
Commit the immorality (2:169)
Follow/Trust forefathers blindly (2:170)
Eat carrion, blood, or flesh of al-khinzīr (2:173)
Eat what is dedicated to other than Him (2:173)
Buy punishment at the price of forgiveness (2:175)
Differ concerning the kitāb (2:176)
Transgress after qisās settlement (2:178)
Change the will (2:181)
Lie with women when remaining in masājid (2:187)
Consume wealth in vanity (2:188)
Bribery (2:188)
Shave head until animal is at slaughter place (2:196)
Destroy yourself (2:195)
Have sex, do perfidity, or quarrel during hajj (2:197)
Ask God to give to you in the World (2:200)
Complete the hajj in less than two days (2:203)
Destroy tilth and progeny (2:205)
Have pride in sin (2:206)
Exchange favour of God for denial (2:211)
Fight in the sacred months (2:217)
Expel those of the inviolable masjid (2:217)
Consume khamr or engage in games of chance (2:219)
Marry mushrikīn until they are safe from calling to hell (2:221)
Approach women during menstruation (2:222)
Make God a cover for oaths (2:224)
Conceal pregnancy (2:228)
Take what you have given women unless they cannot uphold the limits (2:229)
Transgress the limits of God (2:229)
Remarriage not lawful till she marries someone else (2:230)
Retain women through harm (2:231)
Take ayāt in mockery (2:231)
Constrain not those whom you divorce from marrying spouses (2:232)
Allow a mothefather to be harmed by child (2:233)
Take an oath with those whom you intimated of women regarding proposal, save you speak a fitting word (2:235)
Decide upon knot of marriage until writ reaches it’s term (2:235)
Force others into the doctrine (2:256)
Hinder (2:262)
Commit immortality (2:268)
Consume usury (2:275)
Commit sin (2:276)
Conceal the witness (2:283)
Seek the interpretation of what is ambiguous, seeking fitnah (3:7)
Kill those who enjoin equity (3:21)
Say that the fire will touch for days numbered (3:24)
Take kāfirūn as allies (3:28)
Engage in scheming (3:54)
Dispute regarding what you have no knowledge in (3:66)
Clothe truth in vanity (3:71)
Seek outside the doctrine of God (3:83)
Deny after faith (3:86)
Obey a faction of those given the writ (3:100)
Be divided (3:103)
Take intimatez other than your own (3:118)
Consume usury (3:130)
Faint/Grieve (3:139)
Assume entry to jannah (3:142)
Weaken/Yield (3:146)
Be like those in kufr, who believe that different circumstances would have saved their brothers (3:156)
Coercion (3:161)
Incur His wrath (3:162)
Say with your mouths what isn’t in your heart (3:167)
Think that those killed in his cause are dead (3:169)
Fear not Satan’s allies (3:175)
Buy denial at the price of faith (3:177)
Be miserly with what God gives of His bounty (3:180)
Say that God is poor (3:181)
Having pride and pretending (3:188)
Exchange your bad things for their [fatherless] good things (4:2)
Polygamy if you fear that the fatherless will not be justly treated (4:3)
Give the incompetent your wealth (4:5)
Consume the property of the fatherless wastefully/hastily (4:6)
Try repent last minute (4:18)
Inheriting from/Constraining wiomen against their will – save that they commit fāhisha (4:19)
Take from the fortune that you gave your first wife for your new wife (4:20)
Marrying what your fathers married (4:22)
Marrying your mothers, daughters, sisters, p/m aunts, nieces, milk-mothers, milk-sisters, mothers-in-law, step-daughters under protection, daughters-in-law, being in wedlock with two biological sisters simultaneously (4:23)
Marrying married women – save MMA (4:24)
Take secret friends (4:25)
Kill those amongst you (4:29)
Consume wealth in vanity (4:29)
Wish for that by which Allah has made some of you exceed others (4:32)
Being a conceited boaster (4:36)
Being miserly and enjoining miserliness (4:37)
Spend wealth for recognition (4:38)
Oppose the messenger (4:42)
Approaching the salāt when intoxicated or unclean – save passing by upon the path – until you wash (4:43)
Twist tongue and slander the Deen (4:46)
Beliefs in fictions and tāghūt (4:51)
Envy the bounty of others (4:54)
Referring legislation to tāghūt (4:60)
Staying behind from fighting (4:72)
Try hiding away (4:78)
Conspiring (4:81)
Leaking information regarding public safety (4:83)
Interceding in an evil cause (4:85)
Killing a mu’min on purpose (4:92)
If one greets with peace, don’t declare them a non-mu’min (4:94)
Being sedentary (4:95)
Making excuses about being oppressed, to justify wronging their souls (4:97)
Faint in seeking the people (4:104)
Advocating for the treacherous (4:105)
Argue on behalf of those who decieve themselves (4:107)
Commit an offense upon an innocent (4:122)
Make a breach with the messenger after the guidance is clear (4:115)
Following desires, changing the creation (4:119)
Incline towards only one wife, leaving the other hanging (4:129)
Distort/Evade (4:135)
Wavering (4:137)
Sit with those who discourse vainly concerning the proofs of God until they move to another subject (4:140)
Seel to decieve God (4:142)
Performing the salāt to be seen (4:142)
Public mention of evil, save when wronged (4:148)
‘Choosing’ messengers (4:150)
Ask to see God (4:153)
Be tritheistic (4:171)
Hunt when forbidden (5:1)
Violate the tokens of God, or the inviolable month, or the offering, or the necklaces, or the visitors (5:2)
Commit injustice to those who turned you out of the inviolable place of worship (5:2)
Consume the strangled, the beaten, the fallen, the gored, that eaten by the beast of prey – save what is slaughtered, that sacrificed upon the alter (5:3)
Seek apportionment by divining arrows (5:3)
Deny the faith (5:5)
Claim that God is the Messiah, son of Mary (5:17)
Claim that you are His sons and beloved (5:18)
Kill another soul (5:30)
Fear mankind (5:44)
Take the Jews and Christians as allies (5:51)
Take those who take the dīn in mockery as allies (5:57)
Take the call to the salāt in mockery (5:58)
Claim that His hand is fettered (5:64)
Forbid the good things made lawful (5:87)
Kill game when forbidden (5:95)
[Expiation for killing] (5:95)
Ask about things that would distress you if made clear (5:101)
Follow forefathers (5:104)
Declare clear signs to be sorcery (5:110)
Take Jesus and Mary as gods (5:116)
Ask for angels (6:8)
Mock messengers (6:10)
Be among the mushrikīn (6:14)
Oppose Him (6:15)
Be a wrongdoer (6:21)
Declare the Qur’an to be be legend (6:25)
Claim that there is only one life (6:29)
Denial of the meeting (6:31)
Of the ignorant (6:35)
Call to other than Him (6:40)
Take an intercessor besides Him (6:51)
Drive away those seeking His face (6:52)
Sit with those who discourse vainly concerning His proofs (6:68)
Take your deen as play and diversion 6:70)
Clothe the faith with injustice (6:82)
Deny the Writ, judgment, and prophethood (6:89)
Claim revelation (6:93)
Be deluded (6:95)
Make the jinn partners of God (6:100)
Revile those whom are called besides Him (6:108)
Seek other than Him.as a judge (6:114)
Be of the doubtful (6:114)
Obey most on Earth (6:116)
Lead astray by vain desires without knowledge (6:119)
Eat not that over which His name has not been remembered (6:121)
Assigning a share of His creation to partners (6:136)
Declaring things to be taboo (6:138)
Kill your children (6:140)
Make unlawful what He has provided you (6:140)
Commit excess (6:141)
Approach open or concealed immorality (6:151)
Follow other ways (6:153)
Wait for angels (6:158)
Divide the deen into sects (6:159)
Allow the satan to subject you to fitnah (7:27)
Commit excess when eating and drinking (7:31)
Make unlawful the adornment of God (7:32)
Sectarian zealotry (7:33)
Wax proud at proofs (7:36)
Be a mujrim (7:40)
Seek to make His path crooked (7:45)
Name names with no authority (7:71)
Scorn His command (7:77)
Approach men with lust, rather than women (7:80)
Lie in wait on the road, threatening and turning away from The Path (7:86)
Being blind to lessons (7:95)
Bribe using promise of power (7:114)
Bewitch people (7:116)
Be stubborn (7:132)
Be heedless of proofs (7:136)
Follow that path of the workers of corruption (7:142)
Take the wrong path, ignore the path of sound judgment (7:146)
Be impatient over His command (7:150)
Be a forger (7:152)
Scorn what you’ve been forbidden.(7:166)
Deviate concerning His names (7:180)
Public speech (7:205)
Dispute the truth after it’s clear (8:6)
Retreat (8:15)
Turn away when you are near (8:20)
Pretend to hear (8:21)
Betray (8:27)
Turn away from the inviolable place of submission (8:34)
Make a mockery of the salāt (8:35)
Spend wealth on turning away from path of God (8:36)
Dispute together (8:46)
Be boastful (8:47)
Let those in kufr believe that they got away (8:59)
Bear tidings of a painful punishment to the mushrikīn with whom a covenant has been made, who haven’t been deficient towards you in anything, nor assisted anyone against you (9:4)
Allow your beloved things to be dearer to you than Him and His messenger (9:24)
Allow the mushrikīn to approach the inviolable place of submission (9:28)
Take Rabbis and Monks as lords (9:31)
Wrong yourselves concerning the count of months (9:36)
Engage in their postponement (9:37)
Spend unwillingly (9:54)
Come to the prayer as an idler (9:54)
Allow their wealth and children to impress you (9:55)
Complain regarding charity distribution (9:58)
Hinder the prophet (9:61)
Enjoin perversity and forbid what is fitting (9:67)
Withhold His bounty and turn away (9:76)
Deride the believers who willingly give charity (9:79)
Remain behind due to weather (9:81)
Perform the funeral prayer for any one of them (9:84)
Staying behind due to affluence (9:86)
Make excuses (9:94)
Take what you spend as a loss, await reversals (9:98)
Take a place of submission in harm and denial (9:107)
Ask forgiveness for the mushrikīn (9:113)
Go forth all at once (9:122)
Look not for the meeting (10:7)
Neglect after being helped (10:12)
Desire for the Qur’an to be changed (10:15)
Rebel in the Earth after being delivered (10:23)
Deny before interpretation arrives to you (10:39)
Allow their speech to grieve you (10:65)
Repent too late (10:91)
Hide away (11:5)
Wish that a treasure or an angel had been sent upon him.(11:12)
Make the path crooked (11:19)
Dismiss on basis of mortality and lack of bounty (11:27)
Claim that your deity caused messenger to be touched with evil (11:54)
Follow that command of tyrants (11:59)
Heed due to their disappointment (11:62)
Decrease the measure and the balance (11:84)
Respevt others for power more than you do Him (11:92)
Rely upon those who do wrong (11:113)
Reveal dreams that could cause enmity (12:5)
Falsify evidence (12:18)
Sexual assault (12:23)
Despair of the comfort of God (12:87)
Deny physical resurrection (13:5)
Seek to hasten the evil instead of the good (13:6)
Sever what’s commanded to be joined (13:25)
Become bored when being presented with ayāt (14:9)
Threaten to expell warners (14:13)
Respond to Satan (14:22)
Speak a bad word (14:26)
Ignore similitudes (14:45)
Be of those who despair (15:55)
Refuse to provide rights and hospitality (15:70)
Build bunkers to feel secure from Him (15:82)
Make the Qur’an into parts (15:91)
Seek to hasten the command (16:1)
Be an open disputant (16:4)
Offer submission too late (16:28)
Appoint daughters for Him (16:57)
Refuse to give provision to those that their right hands posses (16:71)
Make conceptual comparisons for God (16:74)
Be a burden (16:76)
Take oaths as deception (16:92)
Take another disposer of affairs (17:2)
Being hasty (17:11)
Be perfidious (17:16)
Say “fie” to / Repell old parents (17:23)
Squander wastefully (17:26)
Be extreme on both ends of charity (17:29)
Kill your children for fear of poverty (17:31)
Approach zina (17:32)
Commit excess in lawful killing (17:33)
Walk exultantly (17:37)
Be neither loud nor quiet in salāt (17:110)
Say that you will do something later without declaring that it’s dependant upon God’s will (18:23)
Show-off (18:34)
Declare something to be eternal (18:35)
Be contentious (18:54)
Try refuting the truth (18:56)
Do shirk in the ‘ibadah of Him (18:110)
Follow lusts instead of the salāt (19:59)
Deny, then claim that you will recieve wealth and children (19:77)
Neglect the rememberance (20:42)
Carry injustice (20:111)
Oppose His command (20:121)
Have a distracted heart (21:3)
Declare the Qur’an to make no sense (21:5)
Declare yourself to be a God (21:29)
Be devoted to statues (21:52)
Divide your affair amongst yourselves (21:93)
Serve upon an edge (22:11)
Be a treacherous ingrate (22:38)
Take what Satan casts as a fitnah for you (22:53)
Seek behind relations with wives or MMA (23:7)
Declare His promise to be far-fetched (23:36)
Be self-exalting (23:46)
Divide your command into writings (23:53)
Talk to no purpose into the night (23:67)
Have a light balance (23:103)
Marry other than one unchaste or a mushrik, if you are unchaste (24:3)
Accuse chaste women without sufficient witnesses (24:4)
Love that there be spread of immorality (24:19)
Swear not to give (24:22)
Enter other’s houses without having asked leave nor greeted those therein (24:27)
Strike feet to reveal adornment [for women] (24:31)
Compel your girls to whoredom, if they desire chastity (24:33)
Submit only when the truth is to your liking (24:49)
Swear that you’d do what the messenger commands (24:53)
Slip away surreptitiously (24:63)
Be greatly scornful (25:21)
Make friends with wrong people (25:28)
Abandon the Qur’an (25:30)
Take desires as a god (25:43)
Spend extravagantly and miserly (25:67)
Bear witness to falsehood (25:72)
Disbelieve on basis of abject followers (26:111)
Build bunkers to live forever (26:129)
Lay hold as tyrants (26:130)
Cheat with men (26:166)
Follow poets (26:224)
Hasten on the evil before the good (27:46)
Commit immorality with open eyes (27:54)
Approach men with lust instead of women (27:55)
Divide and oppress people (28:4)
Seek the ignorant (28:55)
Exult in riches (28:76)
Assume that you won’t be tried (29:2)
Obey parents who compel you to shirk (29:8)
Take idols as love between you and the life of this world (29:25)
Cut off the way (29:29)
Commit perversity in your assemblies (29:29)
Continued in the comments.
2024.05.18 14:53 TheQuranicMumin What you should (and shouldn't) do according to the Qur'an [OC, Effort Post]
Salaam all!
I've attempted to compile the "do's and don'ts" of the Qur'an, the following list is all OC. I very likely have made some mistakes/errors in judgment whilst compiling, so please do comment and point things out, i'll edit the post.
Enjoy :)
Ask God for help (1:5)
Believe in Unseen (2:3)
Uphold the salāt (2:3)
Believe in the Qur’an and what preceded it (2:4)
Be certain of the Hereafter (2:4)
If in doubt, bring a Surah like it (2:23)
If there comes to you guidance from Him, follow it (2:38)
Render the zakāt (2:43)
Be in ruku’ (2:43)
Use reason (2:44)
Seek help in patience and salāt (2:45)
Consider your meeting with the Lord (2:46)
Be in prudent fear of the judgment day (2:48)
Trust in God, the last day, and do good (2:62)
Be good to parents (2:83)
Be good to kin, fatherless or the poor (2:83)
Be in prudent fear (2:103)
Say “look at us” (2:104)
Pardon and forbear (2:109)
Send good ahead (2:110)
Bring proof of claims (2:111)
Submit to God (2:112)
Do Good (2:82)
Trust in God and the last day (2:126)
Hold to the creed of Abraham (2:135)
Say that you trust in Him, what He has sent down (2:136)
Make no distinction between the prophets (2:136)
Immerse in Him (2:138)
Respond to those who say that Abraham (and descendants) were Christians/Jews with “know you better, or does God?” (2:140)
Direct your face to the inviolable place of worship wherever you are (2:144)
Remember Him (2:152)
Be grateful to Him (2:152)
Be patient (2:153)
Bear glad tidings to the patient (2:155)
Repent / Ask forgiveness (2:160)
Love Him (2:165)
Eat what is halāl or tayyeb (2:168)
Trust in Him, the last day, the angels, the Writ, the prophets (2:177)
Give wealth to relatives, the fatherless, the needy, and the wayfarer (2:177)
Manumit slaves (2:177)
Keep a covenant when you make it (2:177)
Qisās ‘prescribed’ (2:178)
Pay blood-money if no Qisās (2:178)
Will ‘prescribed’ (2:180)
Make right when you notice testator partiality (2:182)
Fasting in general ‘prescribed’ (2:183)
If sick or on journey, carry fasting forward (2:184)
Pay fidya if fast missed (2:184)
Fast in Ramadān (2:185)
Respond to Him (2:186)
Trust Him (2:186)
Lie with women after fasting (2:187)
Seek what he prescribed (2:187)
Eat and drink until the white thead is clear from the dark, then fast till sunset (2:187)
Approach houses by doors (2:189)
Fight those who fight you (2:190)
Kill those who fight you (2:191)
Turn out those who turned you out (2:191)
Don’t fight in the inviolable masjid until fought (2:191)
Fight until they desist, or until the end of fitnah (2:193)
Qisās in the sacred months (2:194)
Spend in His cause (2:195)
Do the hajj (2:196)
Do the offering of animals if not possible (2:196)
If sick, or hindrance of the head: redemption by fasting, charity, or penance (2:196)
If cannot attend, fast three days during it, the seven days upon return, save if family is permanently resident on site (2:196)
Take provision (2:197)
Remember Him at al-mash’ar al-harām (2:198)
Pour forth from where men have poured forth (2:199)
Remember Him like the remembrance of your father or stronger, after rites finished (2:200)
Ask Him to give you good in the World and Hereafter, and to protect you from the punishment (2:201)
Sell yourself for Him (2:207)
Enter into submission completely (2:208)
Fighting ‘prescribed’ (2:216)
Trust (2:218)
Emigrate (2:218)
Strive in His cause (2:218)
Hope for his mercy (2:218)
Spend the surplus (2:219)
Approach purified women in the correct manner (2:222)
Purify yourself (2:222)
Bear glad tidings to the mu’minūn (2:223)
Wait four months after foreswearing women (2:226)
Divorced women wait themselves for three menstrural courses (2:228)
When divorcing, retain them or release them (2:231)
Remember His favour (2:231)
Children are suckled for two ‘haūl’ (2:233)
Father provides provision and clothing (2:233)
Widows must wait for 4 months and ten days (2:234)
When divorcing her and you haven’t touched her nor appointed an obligation for her, make her a gift (2:236)
If they have an obligation appointed, then give half, unless forgoed (2:237)
Don’t forget the bounty between you two (2:237)
Preserve the salawāt (2:238)
Stand up for God humbly obedient (2:238)
If in fear, waking or riding (2:239)
Widows are to recieve one years maintenance with no expulsion (2:240)
Divorced women recieve provision (2:241)
Fight in His cause (2:244)
Spend of what He provided (2:254)
Deny tāghūt (2:257)
Spend in His cause (2:261)
Give up usury (2:278)
Defer money return until ease upon borrower (2:280)
[Follow debt contract instructions] (2:282)
If on journey and no writer, then a pledge in hand (2:283)
Make no distinction between messengers (2:285)
Obey Him (2:285)
Be truthful (3:17)
Seek forgiveness at dawn (3:17)
Be obedient (3:17)
Bear witness that there is no God save He (3:18)
Ask those given the writ and the unschooled if they’ve submitted (3:20)
Obey Him and the Messenger (3:32)
If they turn away, bear witness that you are submitting (3:64)
Fulfil your covenant (3:76)
Make no distinction between the prophets (3:84)
Spend of what you love (3:92)
Make pilgrimage to the house (3:97)
Hold fast to Him (3:101)
Hold fast to the rope of God together (3:103)
Have a community that invites to God, enjoins what is fitting, and forbids perversity (3:104)
Compete in good deeds (3:114)
Place trust in Him (3:122)
Be in prudent fear of the fire (3:131)
Vie with each other for forgiveness (3:133)
Control wrath (3:134)
Travel in the Earth to see the final outcome of the deniers (3:137)
Seek His approval (3:162)
Respond to God after injury befalls (3:172)
Fear Him (3:175)
Remember Allah standing, sitting, on the sides; reflect on the creation (3:191)
Be steady (3:200)
Give the fatherless their property (4:2)
If there is an injustice of the fatherless, then perform polygamy (4:3)
Give women their dowries (4:4)
If they remit anything voluntarily, then consume it with satisfaction and pleasure (4:4)
Feed and clothe the incompetent (4:5)
Test the fatherless when they reach marriage, if they are sound then give their property with witnesses (4:6)
Men/Women have a designated share of what parents/relatives leave (4:7)
If the fatherless and needy are at the site of division, then give part of what is left (4:8)
[Inheritance laws] (4:12-13)
[*] (4:15-16)
If you can’t marry free women, then from MMA of believing maids, marry them with the lesve of their people (4:25)
MMA are due half the punishment of free wine if they commit fāhisha (4:25)
Avoid enormities of whats forbidden (4:31)
For men and women is a share of what they earned (4:32)
Give shares to those whom your oaths have bound (4:33)
Men have responsibility over women (4:34)
Women are to be humbly obedient and keeping unseen what God keeps (4:34)
If you fear contempt from your women, then admonish them, and leave in beds apart, and [*] them – save that they obey you (4:34)
If a breach is feared, then an arbitrator from both sides are to be raised (4:35)
Good conduct towards relatives, the fatherless, the needy, the neighbour, the companion, the wayfarers, and MMA (4:36)
Spend of what Allah provides (4:39)
If you are ill, on a journey, have defecated, or had intercourse, and find not water, then perform tayammum (4:43)
Deliver trusts to owners and judge with justice (4:58)
Obey those in authority amongst you (4:59)
If you differ in a matter, refer to God and the Messenger (4:59)
Turn away from munāfiqūn, and admonish them (4:63)
Ask the messenger to ask forgiveness for you (4:64)
Take precaution and advance in groups/together (4:71)
Fight satan’s allies (4:76)
Consider the Qur’an with care (4:82)
Interceding in a good cause (4:85)
When you are greeted, return it, or greet with something greater (4:86)
Take not that munāfiqūn as allies until they emigrate in His cause, if they turn back then kill them (4:89)
If they withdraw and offer peace, you have no path against them (4:90)
Accidental murder of a mu’min: Manumit a mu’min slave and give blood-momey to family – save forgiveness (4:92)
Fast two months consecutively if not possible (4:92)
Verify/investigate when you go forth in His cause (4:94)
When you are amongst them then perform the salāt for them[follow procedure mentioned] (4:102)
When that salāt is concluded, remember Him standing, sitting, on the sides, and when at ease (4:103)
The salāt is required to be performed at set times for the mu’minūn (4:103)
Submit your face to Him, do good, follow the creed of Abraham (4:125)
Stand up for equity for the fatherless (4:127)
Be witnesses to God (4:135)
Bear tidings to the munāfiqūn (4:138)
Desist from tritheism (4:171)
[Kalalah inheritance] (4:176)
Fulfil contracts (5:1)
Assist one another to virtue (5:2)
Eat from what is caught by what you have trained of animals of prey as trainers (5:4)
When you rise for the prayer, wash the face, the hands, the arm, and the feet to the ankles (5:6)
If you are unclean, then purify yourself (5:6)
Lend to God a goodly loan (5:12)
Bury after death? (5:31)
If one wages war against God and His messenger, and work corruption in the land: Then kill them, or crucify [or put to death by stake] them, ot their hands and feet be cut off, or they be banished (5:33)
Seek to Him the means of approach (5:35)
[Punishment for stealing] (5:38)
Let ahl al-injīl judge by what God sent (5:47)
Take Him, His messenger, and those who trusted as allies (5:56)
Be moderate (5:66)
Prevent one another from performing perversity (5:79)
Eat of what God has provided from what is lawful and good (5:88)
[Oath expiation] (5:89)
Avoid khamr, games of change, altars, and divining arrows (5:90)
Bear responsibility for yourself (5:105)
[Testimony after death] (5:106)
Listen (5:108)
Travel in the Earth to see the final outcomes of the deniers (6:11)
Use reason (6:32)
Call to Him (6:41)
Humble yourself (6:43)
Turn in repentance after committing evil by ignorance (6:54)
Measure God with the measure due (6:91)
Preserve your salāt (6:92)
Leave those who fabricate, and what they fabricate (6:112)
Eat over which His name has been remembered (6:118)
Leave the outwardness and the inwardness of sin (6:120)
Work according to your power (6:135)
Render due on day of harvest (6:141)
Inform with knowledge when making claim (6:143)
Follow the straight path (6:153)
Dedicate your salāt, penance, your living, and your dying to Him (6:162)
Uphold countenances at every place of submission (7:29)
Call to Him sincere in doctrine (7:29)
Take your adornment at every place of submission (7:31)
Acknowledge Messengers when they come (7:35)
Call to Him humbly and in secret (7:55)
Be patient for the judgment (7:87)
Repent and believe after evil deeds (7:153)
Follow the unschooled prophet (7:157)
Forbid evil (7:165)
Use your [metaphoric] senses (7:179)
Call to Him by his names (7:180)
Call your partners and see if they respond (7:194)
Seek refuge in Him from the satan, if provoked (7:200)
Heed to the Qur’an and listen attentively (7:204)
Reserve spoils for God and His messenger (8:1)
Make right in what is between you (8:1)
Respond to Him and His messenger when He calls you to what gives you life (8:24)
Fight until no fitnah (8:39)
If they turn away know that He’s your protector (8:40)
What you obtain of spoils, a fifth belongs to God, His messenger, relatives, fatherless, the poor, and wayfarer (8:41)
If you fear treachery, cast them back (8:58)
Prepare forces and calvary to terrify them (8:60)
If they incline to peace, then incline to it (8:61)
Consume what you took of spoils (8:69)
Strive with four property and lives (8:72)
Help those who seek help within the deen (8:72)
Bear tidings to those in kufr of a painful punishment (9:3)
Kill, seize, ambush, and restrain the mushrikīn once the inviolable months have passed (9:5)
Release them if they repent, and perform the prayer, and render the zakāt (9:5)
If a mushrik seeks protection, grant it,.until he hears His words; then escort to his secure place (9:6)
Fight those who make not unlawful what is unlawful (9:29)
Fight until the jizya is payed (9:29)
Give the Rabbis and Monks tidings of a painful punishment (9:34)
Please Him (9:62)
Let them be (9:95)
Act (9:105)
Rejoice in the contracted bargain with Him (9:111)
Keep His limits (9:112)
Be with the truthful (9:119)
Fight the kufār close to you (9:123)
Be harsh with them (9:123)
Serve Him (10:3)
If they challenge the Qur’an, ask them to bring a Surah like it (10:38)
Declare yourself quit of them (10:41)
Consider that the punishment can come at any time (10:50)
Take a straight path (10:89)
Look at what is in the heavens and the Earth (10:101)
Humble yourself unto Him (11:23)
Be clement, compassionate, penitent (11:75)
Be right-minded (11:78)
Right ordering (11:88)
Watch (11:93)
Fear the punishment of the hereafter (11:103)
Uphold the prayer at both ends of the day, and at the night’s approach (11:114)
Forbid corruption (11:116)
Use reason (12:2)
Pick imprisonment over sexual immorality (12:33)
Invite to Him with insight (12:108)
Respond to Him (13:18)
Join what’s commanded to be joined (13:21)
Avert evil with good (13:22)
Find rest in remembrance (13:28)
Be patient wherein you are hindered (14:12)
Fear His station (14:14)
Speak a good word (14:24)
Leave them to enjoy themselves (15:3)
Give glory (15:98)
Warn that there is no God save Him (16:2)
Be virtuous (16:32)
Ask the people of the remembrance if you know not (16:43)
When you recite the Qur’an, seek refuge from the accursed satan (16:98)
Falsely declare things to be lawful/unlawful (16:116)
Repent, despite committing evil out of ignorance (16:119)
Invite with wisdom, comely admonition, and dispute with what is best (16:125)
Retaliate with the like of what wherewith you are harmed, save that you forgive (16:126)
Strive for the hereafter (17:19)
Good conduct to parents (17:23)
Speak to them a noble word (17:23)
Be gentle with them and make supplication for them (17:24)
Speak a gentle word to those who need charity, but you can’t provide (17:28)
Weigh with the straight balance (17:35)
Recite the Qur’an (17:45)
Say that which is best (17:53)
Uphold the prayer at the merging of the sun until the dark of the night (17:78)
Recite at dawn (17:78)
Keep a vigil with some of the night (17:79)
Ask God to cause you to enter a true entrance and to leave at a true exit (17;80)
Declare that truth has come, and vanity is to pass (17:81)
Declare Him a sufficient witness (17:96)
Perform salāt at a medium volume (17:110)
Whoso wills, let them believe – and vice versa (18:29)
Be steadfast in His ‘ibādah (19:65)
Eat and attend to your cattle (20:54)
Give glory before rising of the sun, before it’s setting, some of the night, and at two ends of the day (20:130)
Extend your eyes towards what has been granted to others (20:131)
Call in hope and fear (21:90)
Be a righteous servant (21:105)
Feed the unfortunate poor (22:28)
Make an end of unkemptness (22:29)
Fulfil vows (22:29)
Walk around that ancient house (22:29)
Honour the sacred things (22:30)
Avoid false speech and abomination of idols (22:30)
Incline to Him (22:31)
Honour the tokens of God (22:32)
Sacrifice at ancient house (22:33)
Remember His name over camels when they are in lines (22:36)
When their flanks collapse, eat thereof and feed the reticent poor and the beggar (22:36)
Be in ruku’, and sujood (22:77)
Be a mu’min (23:1)
Be humble in salāt (23:2)
Preserve chastity (23:5)
Preserve your salawāt (23:9)
Leave them in their flood of ignorance, for a time (23:54)
Have a heavy balance (23:102)
Lash the unchaste woman and the unchaste man each with 100 lashes, have no pity on them, and let it be witnessed by mu’minūn (24:2)
Lash those who accuse chaste women with insufficient witnesses with 80 lashes, and never accept them as a witness (24:4)
If you, as a visitor, are asked to leave, then leave (24:28)
If you are a man, lower your gaze (24:30)
As a woman, you should also lower the gaze, you must additionally not reveal adornment except what I’d apparent, and you should cover the bosom [except to listed people] (24:31)
Give in marriage the unmarried (24:32)
Abstain if you find not marriage (24:33)
Emancipate those who seek it, if there is good in them, and give them of your wealth (24:33)
Declare allegiance (24:51)
If you are part of one’s right hand possessions, or one who has not reached puberty yet, then – ask permission before entering at the three times of their nakedness (24:58)
Greet with a greeting from God (24:61)
Rest at night (25:47)
Walk modestly (25:63)
Speak peace when addressed by ignorants (25:63)
Spend the night standing and in sujūd (25:64)
Seek a middle ground when spending, if you must (25:63)
Pass by vain speech with dignity (25:72)
Request to Him that your wives and progeny be made a comfort, and make you a good model (25:74)
Obey the command of the committers of excess (26:151)
Warn relatives (26:214)
Help people out (28:25)
Seek provision with Him (29:17)
Discover how He originated creation (29:20)
Reflect within yourself (30:8)
Provide to MMA (30:28)
Set yourself towards the right natural deen (30:30)
Desire His face (30:38)
Prepare for yourself (30:44)
Grateful to parents (31:14)
Be modest in walk (31:19)
Lower the voice (31:19)
Fall in sujūd when reminded of proofs (32:15)
Forsake your bed (32:16)
Call the adopted children by their fathers (33:5)
Take the messenger as a model
Stay within houses [prophet wives] (33:33)
Give glory morning and evening (33:42)
Give those whom you divorce before consummation provision (33:49)
[Historic conduct regarding prophet’s house] (33:53)
Greet the prophet with a valuation (33:56)
Women draw down over themselves some garments, for recognition (33:59)
Stand up for God in twos and alone, then reflect (34:46)
Let the workers work (37:61)
Remember David, the repentant (38:17)
Be humbly obedient in the watches of the night (39:9)
Hope for His mercy (39:9)
Expand your breast to submission (39:22)
Experience a positive reaction to the Qur’an (39:23)
Come with the truth and live in accordance to it (39:33)
Follow the best of what is sent down (39:55)
Invite to your Lord (41:33)
Grow not weary in giving glory (41:38)
Take the Qur’an as a healing (41:44)
Defer disputes to His judgement (42:10)
Uphold the Deen (42:13)
Be in dread of the hour (42:18)
Love your kin (42:23)
Avoid enormities of sin and immorality (42:37)
Conduct affairs by mutual consultation (42:38)
Help yourself when insolence visits (42:39)
Remember His favour once settled on cattle (43:13)
Watch for the day of the obvious smoke (44:10)
Watch (44:59)
Forgive those who look not for His days (45:14)
Follow the sharī’a (45:18)
Keep to the path (46:13)
[Say what is mentioned upon reaching fourty] (46:15)
Believe in what was sent down upon Muhammad (47:2)
Smite the necks of those in kufr when in battle (47:4)
Grace or ransom war captives (47:4)
Help Him (47:7)
Be obedient (47:21)
Consider the Qur’an with care (47:24)
Sue for peace when you have the upper hand (47:35)
Honour the messenger (48:9)
Be hard against those in kufr (48:29)
Lower voice in presence of messenger (49:3)
Verify the report of a perfidious one (49:6)
Make right between groups of mu’minūn (49:9)
Fight the oppressive group (49:9)
Make right between brothers (49:10)
Preserve modesty and duties (50:32)
Give ear with a conscious mind (50:37)
Glorify at the ends of the sujūd (50:40)
Listen for the day that the Caller will call from near (50:41)
Sleep little of the night (51:17)
Ask forgiveness before break of day (51:18)
Give glory when arising (52:48)
Give glory at the retreat of the stars (52:49)
Remember the ayah of the ark (54:15)
Remember the Qur’an, which is easy for remembrance (54:17)
Remember destruction of sects (54:51)
Fear His standing (55:46)
Aim to be of the sābiqūn (56:10)
Touch the Qur’an only when purified (56:79)
Aim to be of the muqarrabūn (56:88)
Fight before victories (57:10)
Lend to Him a goodly loan (57:11)
Compete for forgiveness (57:21)
Observe good/neutral innovations with due observation (57:27)
If you go back on what you have said, then free a slave before touching [other circumstances in next verse] (58:3)
When engaging in private conversation, don’t allow it to be of a sinful kind (58:9)
Make room in the assemblies when instructed; arise when instructed (58:11)
[Charity before conversation with messenger historically] (58:12)
What the messenger gives you, take it [and opposite] (59:7)
Protect from avarice of the nafs (59:9)
Look to what you have sent ahead for the morrow (59:18)
Take Abraham and his companions as good models [see full verse] (60:4)
Examine the emigrated women, to determine their faith; if they are mu’mināt, send them not back (60:10)
Return the mahr to those whom have had wives flee to kuffār (60:11)
Fight in compacted ranks (61:4)
When the call for the Friday salāt is heard, hasten to it (62:9)
Disperse upon completion, seek His bounty (62:10)
Spend before death arrives (63:10)
Beware of enemies amongst wives and children (64:14)
Listen to the Qur’an (64:16)
Count waiting period after divorce (65:1)
Turn divorcees out of house, unless they commit immorality (65:1)
Seperation to be witnessed by two just men (65:2)
If no menstruation, count three months (65:4)
If pregnant, wait until end (65:4)
Lodge then where you are, according to means, don’t press them (65:6)
Spend if they have a child, until delivered (65:6)
If they suckle, give them their reward; consult honourably (65:6)
If difficulties between you, let another suckle (65:6)
Let him with abundance spend out of it (65:7)
Fear your Lord while unseen (67:12)
Walk in the tracts (67:15)
Be patient with comely patience (70:5)
Be constant in your salāt (70:23)
Confirm.the day of judgment (70:26)
Be in dread of the punishment (70:27)
Be upright in your witness (70:33)
Preserve you salāt (70:34)
Follow the broad ways of the Earth (71:20)
Recite the Qur’an distinctly (73:4)
Devote yourself completely to Him (73:8)
Recite what is made easy of the Qur’an (73:20)
Magnify Him (74:3)
Purify your garments (74:4)
Foresake defilement (74:5)
Give food out of love of Him to the prisoner (76:8)
Seek a way to paradise (76:18)
Remember His name morning and evening (76:25)
If you have a plan then plan against Him [challenge] (77:39)
Be lowly (77:48)
Take the day as a living (78:11)
Take your Lord as a journey’s end (78:39)
Fear His station (79:40)
Let aspire those who aspire (83:26)
Let look at what you are created from (86:5)
Take heed (87:10)
Purify yourself (87:14)
Remember His name (87:15)
Look at the creation of the camel, sky, mountain, Earth (88:20)
Free a slave (90:13)
Feed in a day of starvation a fatherless relation, or a needy one in misery (90:16)
Counsel one another to compassion (90:17)
Increase the nafs in purity (91:9)
Confirm the best (92:6)
Recount His favour (93:11)
When unoccupied, make ready (94:7)
Turn your desire to Him (94:8)
Enjoin prudent fear (96:12)
Draw near (96:19)
Be pleased with Him (98:8)
Have a heavy balance (101:6)
Counsel each other to truth (103:3)
Sacrifice (108:2)
Declare that you serve not what those in kufr serve (109:2)
Declare the oneness.of Him (112:1)
Seek refuge in Him from the evil of what He created, the darkness, the blowers on knots, and the envier (113:5)
Seek refuge from the evil of the retreating whisperer (114:4)
Make equals with God (2:22)
Deny before bringing a surah like it (2:24)
Break the agreement (2:27)
Work corruption in the land (2:27)
Deny the āyāt (2:39)
Conceal truth knowingly (2:42)
Enjoin virtue and forget yourselves (2:44)
Ask to see/interact with Him openly (2:55)
Change the saying (2:59)
Complain (2:61)
Kill prophets (2:61)
Exceed bounds / Transgress (2:61)
Transgress the Sabbath (2:65)
Ask unnecessary/excessive questions (2:71)
Assume (2:78)
Fabricate a kitāb, claiming it’s from God (2:79)
Ascribe what you know not (2:80)
Allow offenses to encompass you (2:81)
Kill amongst you and turn out of homes (2:84)
Assist in sin (2:85)
Believe in part of the kitāb and reject the rest (2:85)
Buy this life over the hereafter (2:86)
Wax proud (2:87)
Claim that your heart is covered (2:88)
Deny what God has sent (2:90)
Ignore/Deny clear signs (2:92)
Commit shirk (2:96)
Be an enemy to Him, angels, messenger, or Gabriel and Michael (2:98)
Practice sihr (2:102)
Say “attend to us” (2:104)
Ask Muhammad the same way that Moses was asked (2:108)
Exchange security for kufr (2:108)
Attempt to bring people into kufr (2:109)
Claim who enters paradise (2:111)
Hinder places places of worship (2:114)
Say that He has a son (2:116)
Follow vain desires (2:120)
Be in kufr (2:126)
Be averse to the creed of Abraham (2:130)
Die save you are submitting (2:132)
Conceal witness from Him (2:140)
Say that those matyred are dead (2:154)
Follow the footsteps of shaytān (2:168)
Commit evil (2:169)
Commit the immorality (2:169)
Follow/Trust forefathers blindly (2:170)
Eat carrion, blood, or flesh of al-khinzīr (2:173)
Eat what is dedicated to other than Him (2:173)
Buy punishment at the price of forgiveness (2:175)
Differ concerning the kitāb (2:176)
Transgress after qisās settlement (2:178)
Change the will (2:181)
Lie with women when remaining in masājid (2:187)
Consume wealth in vanity (2:188)
Bribery (2:188)
Shave head until animal is at slaughter place (2:196)
Destroy yourself (2:195)
Have sex, do perfidity, or quarrel during hajj (2:197)
Ask God to give to you in the World (2:200)
Complete the hajj in less than two days (2:203)
Destroy tilth and progeny (2:205)
Have pride in sin (2:206)
Exchange favour of God for denial (2:211)
Fight in the sacred months (2:217)
Expel those of the inviolable masjid (2:217)
Consume khamr or engage in games of change (2:219)
Marry mushrikīn until they are safe from calling to hell (2:221)
Approach women during menstruation (2:222)
Make God a cover for oaths (2:224)
Conceal pregnancy (2:228)
Take what you have given women unless they cannot uphold the limits (2:229)
Transgress the limits of God (2:229)
Remarriage not lawful till she marries someone else (2:230)
Retain women through harm (2:231)
Take ayāt in mockery (2:231)
Constrain not those whom you divorce from marrying spouses (2:232)
Allow a mothefather to be harmed by child (2:233)
Take an oath with those whom you intimated of women regarding proposal, save you speak a fitting word (2:235)
Decide upon knot of marriage until writ reaches it’s term (2:235)
Force others into the doctrine (2:256)
Hinder (2:262)
Commit immortality (2:268)
Consume usury (2:275)
Commit sin (2:276)
Conceal the witness (2:283)
Seek the interpretation of what is ambiguous, seeking fitnah (3:7)
Kill those who enjoin equity (3:21)
Say that the fire will touch for days numbered (3:24)
Take kāfirūn as allies (3:28)
Engage in scheming (3:54)
Dispute regarding what you have no knowledge in (3:66)
Clothe truth in vanity (3:71)
Seek outside the doctrine of God (3:83)
Deny after faith (3:86)
Obey a faction of those given the writ (3:100)
Be divided (3:103)
Take intimatez other than your own (3:118)
Consume usury (3:130)
Faint/Grieve (3:139)
Assume entry to jannah (3:142)
Weaken/Yield (3:146)
Be like those in kufr, who believe that different circumstances would have saved their brothers (3:156)
Coercion (3:161)
Incur His wrath (3:162)
Say with your mouths what isn’t in your heart (3:167)
Think that those killed in his cause are dead (3:169)
Fear not Satan’s allies (3:175)
Buy denial at the price of faith (3:177)
Be miserly with what God gives of His bounty (3:180)
Say that God is poor (3:181)
Having pride and pretending (3:188)
Exchange your bad things for their [fatherless] good things (4:2)
Polygamy if you fear that the fatherless will not be justly treated (4:3)
Give the incompetent your wealth (4:5)
Consume the property of the fatherless wastefully/hastily (4:6)
Try repent last minute (4:18)
Inheriting from/Constraining wiomen against their will – save that they commit fāhisha (4:19)
Take from the fortune that you gave your first wife for your new wife (4:20)
Marrying what your fathers married (4:22)
Marrying your mothers, daughters, sisters, p/m aunts, nieces, milk-mothers, milk-sisters, mothers-in-law, step-daughters under protection, daughters-in-law, being in wedlock with two biological sisters simultaneously (4:23)
Marrying married women – save MMA (4:24)
Take secret friends (4:25)
Kill those amongst you (4:29)
Consume wealth in vanity (4:29)
Wish for that by which Allah has made some of you exceed others (4:32)
Being a conceited boaster (4:36)
Being miserly and enjoining miserliness (4:37)
Spend wealth for recognition (4:38)
Oppose the messenger (4:42)
Approaching the salāt when intoxicated or unclean – save passing by upon the path – until you wash (4:43)
Twist tongue and slander the Deen (4:46)
Beliefs in fictions and tāghūt (4:51)
Envy the bounty of others (4:54)
Referring legislation to tāghūt (4:60)
Staying behind from fighting (4:72)
Try hiding away (4:78)
Conspiring (4:81)
Leaking information regarding public safety (4:83)
Interceding in an evil cause (4:85)
Killing a mu’min on purpose (4:92)
If one greets with peace, don’t declare them a non-mu’min (4:94)
Being sedentary (4:95)
Making excuses about being oppressed, to justify wronging their souls (4:97)
Faint in seeking the people (4:104)
Advocating for the treacherous (4:105)
Argue on behalf of those who decieve themselves (4:107)
Commit an offense upon an innocent (4:122)
Make a breach with the messenger after the guidance is clear (4:115)
Following desires, changing the creation (4:119)
Incline towards only one wife, leaving the other hanging (4:129)
Distort/Evade (4:135)
Wavering (4:137)
Sit with those who discourse vainly concerning the proofs of God until they move to another subject (4:140)
Seel to decieve God (4:142)
Performing the salāt to be seen (4:142)
Public mention of evil, save when wronged (4:148)
‘Choosing’ messengers (4:150)
Ask to see God (4:153)
Be tritheistic (4:171)
Hunt when forbidden (5:1)
Violate the tokens of God, or the inviolable month, or the offering, or the necklaces, or the visitors (5:2)
Commit injustice to those who turned you out of the inviolable place of worship (5:2)
Consume the strangled, the beaten, the fallen, the gored, that eaten by the beast of prey – save what is slaughtered, that sacrificed upon the alter (5:3)
Seek apportionment by divining arrows (5:3)
Deny the faith (5:5)
Claim that God is the Messiah, son of Mary (5:17)
Claim that you are His sons and beloved (5:18)
Kill another soul (5:30)
Fear mankind (5:44)
Take the Jews and Christians as allies (5:51)
Take those who take the dīn in mockery as allies (5:57)
Take the call to the salāt in mockery (5:58)
Claim that His hand is fettered (5:64)
Forbid the good things made lawful (5:87)
Kill game when forbidden (5:95)
[Expiation for killing] (5:95)
Ask about things that would distress you if made clear (5:101)
Follow forefathers (5:104)
Declare clear signs to be sorcery (5:110)
Take Jesus and Mary as gods (5:116)
Ask for angels (6:8)
Mock messengers (6:10)
Be among the mushrikīn (6:14)
Oppose Him (6:15)
Be a wrongdoer (6:21)
Declare the Qur’an to be be legend (6:25)
Claim that there is only one life (6:29)
Denial of the meeting (6:31)
Of the ignorant (6:35)
Call to other than Him (6:40)
Take an intercessor besides Him (6:51)
Drive away those seeking His face (6:52)
Sit with those who discourse vainly concerning His proofs (6:68)
Take your deen as play and diversion 6:70)
Clothe the faith with injustice (6:82)
Deny the Writ, judgment, and prophethood (6:89)
Claim revelation (6:93)
Be deluded (6:95)
Make the jinn partners of God (6:100)
Revile those whom are called besides Him (6:108)
Seek other than Him.as a judge (6:114)
Be of the doubtful (6:114)
Obey most on Earth (6:116)
Lead astray by vain desires without knowledge (6:119)
Eat not that over which His name has not been remembered (6:121)
Assigning a share of His creation to partners (6:136)
Declaring things to be taboo (6:138)
Kill your children (6:140)
Make unlawful what He has provided you (6:140)
Commit excess (6:141)
Approach open or concealed immorality (6:151)
Follow other ways (6:153)
Wait for angels (6:158)
Divide the deen into sects (6:159)
Allow the satan to subject you to fitnah (7:27)
Commit excess when eating and drinking (7:31)
Make unlawful the adornment of God (7:32)
Sectarian zealotry (7:33)
Wax proud at proofs (7:36)
Be a mujrim (7:40)
Seek to make His path crooked (7:45)
Name names with no authority (7:71)
Scorn His command (7:77)
Approach men with lust, rather than women (7:80)
Lie in wait on the road, threatening and turning away from The Path (7:86)
Being blind to lessons (7:95)
Bribe using promise of power (7:114)
Bewitch people (7:116)
Be stubborn (7:132)
Be heedless of proofs (7:136)
Follow that path of the workers of corruption (7:142)
Take the wrong path, ignore the path of sound judgment (7:146)
Be impatient over His command (7:150)
Be a forger (7:152)
Scorn what you’ve been forbidden.(7:166)
Deviate concerning His names (7:180)
Public speech (7:205)
Dispute the truth after it’s clear (8:6)
Retreat (8:15)
Turn away when you are near (8:20)
Pretend to hear (8:21)
Betray (8:27)
Turn away from the inviolable place of submission (8:34)
Make a mockery of the salāt (8:35)
Spend wealth on turning away from path of God (8:36)
Dispute together (8:46)
Be boastful (8:47)
Let those in kufr believe that they got away (8:59)
Bear tidings of a painful punishment to the mushrikīn with whom a covenant has been made, who haven’t been deficient towards you in anything, nor assisted anyone against you (9:4)
Allow your beloved things to be dearer to you than Him and His messenger (9:24)
Allow the mushrikīn to approach the inviolable place of submission (9:28)
Take Rabbis and Monks as lords (9:31)
Wrong yourselves concerning the count of months (9:36)
Engage in their postponement (9:37)
Spend unwillingly (9:54)
Come to the prayer as an idler (9:54)
Allow their wealth and children to impress you (9:55)
Complain regarding charity distribution (9:58)
Hinder the prophet (9:61)
Enjoin perversity and forbid what is fitting (9:67)
Withhold His bounty and turn away (9:76)
Deride the believers who willingly give charity (9:79)
Remain behind due to weather (9:81)
Perform the funeral prayer for any one of them (9:84)
Staying behind due to affluence (9:86)
Make excuses (9:94)
Take what you spend as a loss, await reversals (9:98)
Take a place of submission in harm and denial (9:107)
Ask forgiveness for the mushrikīn (9:113)
Go forth all at once (9:122)
Look not for the meeting (10:7)
Neglect after being helped (10:12)
Desire for the Qur’an to be changed (10:15)
Rebel in the Earth after being delivered (10:23)
Deny before interpretation arrives to you (10:39)
Allow their speech to grieve you (10:65)
Repent too late (10:91)
Hide away (11:5)
Wish that a treasure or an angel had been sent upon him.(11:12)
Make the path crooked (11:19)
Dismiss on basis of mortality and lack of bounty (11:27)
Claim that your deity caused messenger to be touched with evil (11:54)
Follow that command of tyrants (11:59)
Heed due to their disappointment (11:62)
Decrease the measure and the balance (11:84)
Respevt others for power more than you do Him (11:92)
Rely upon those who do wrong (11:113)
Reveal dreams that could cause enmity (12:5)
Falsify evidence (12:18)
Sexual assault (12:23)
Despair of the comfort of God (12:87)
Deny physical resurrection (13:5)
Seek to hasten the evil instead of the good (13:6)
Sever what’s commanded to be joined (13:25)
Become bored when being presented with ayāt (14:9)
Threaten to expell warners (14:13)
Respond to Satan (14:22)
Speak a bad word (14:26)
Ignore similitudes (14:45)
Be of those who despair (15:55)
Refuse to provide rights and hospitality (15:70)
Build bunkers to feel secure from Him (15:82)
Make the Qur’an into parts (15:91)
Seek to hasten the command (16:1)
Be an open disputant (16:4)
Offer submission too late (16:28)
Appoint daughters for Him (16:57)
Refuse to give provision to those that their right hands posses (16:71)
Make conceptual comparisons for God (16:74)
Be a burden (16:76)
Take oaths as deception (16:92)
Take another disposer of affairs (17:2)
Being hasty (17:11)
Be perfidious (17:16)
Say “fie” to / Repell old parents (17:23)
Squander wastefully (17:26)
Be extreme on both ends of charity (17:29)
Kill your children for fear of poverty (17:31)
Approach zina (17:32)
Commit excess in lawful killing (17:33)
Walk exultantly (17:37)
Be neither loud nor quiet in salāt (17:110)
Say that you will do something later without declaring that it’s dependant upon God’s will (18:23)
Show-off (18:34)
Declare something to be eternal (18:35)
Be contentious (18:54)
Try refuting the truth (18:56)
Do shirk in the ‘ibadah of Him (18:110)
Follow lusts instead of the salāt (19:59)
Deny, then claim that you will recieve wealth and children (19:77)
Neglect the rememberance (20:42)
Carry injustice (20:111)
Oppose His command (20:121)
Have a distracted heart (21:3)
Declare the Qur’an to make no sense (21:5)
Declare yourself to be a God (21:29)
Be devoted to statues (21:52)
Divide your affair amongst yourselves (21:93)
Serve upon an edge (22:11)
Be a treacherous ingrate (22:38)
Take what Satan casts as a fitnah for you (22:53)
Seek behind relations with wives or MMA (23:7)
Declare His promise to be far-fetched (23:36)
Be self-exalting (23:46)
Divide your command into writings (23:53)
Talk to no purpose into the night (23:67)
Have a light balance (23:103)
Marry other than one unchaste or a mushrik, if you are unchaste (24:3)
Accuse chaste women without sufficient witnesses (24:4)
Love that there be spread of immorality (24:19)
Swear not to give (24:22)
Enter other’s houses without having asked leave nor greeted those therein (24:27)
Strike feet to reveal adornment [for women] (24:31)
Compel your girls to whoredom, if they desire chastity (24:33)
Submit only when the truth is to your liking (24:49)
Swear that you’d do what the messenger commands (24:53)
Slip away surreptitiously (24:63)
Be greatly scornful (25:21)
Make friends with wrong people (25:28)
Abandon the Qur’an (25:30)
Take desires as a god (25:43)
Spend extravagantly and miserly (25:67)
Bear witness to falsehood (25:72)
Disbelieve on basis of abject followers (26:111)
Build bunkers to live forever (26:129)
Lay hold as tyrants (26:130)
Cheat with men (26:166)
Follow poets (26:224)
Hasten on the evil before the good (27:46)
Commit immorality with open eyes (27:54)
Approach men with lust instead of women (27:55)
Divide and oppress people (28:4)
Seek the ignorant (28:55)
Exult in riches (28:76)
Assume that you won’t be tried (29:2)
Obey parents who compel you to shirk (29:8)
Take idols as love between you and the life of this world (29:25)
Cut off the way (29:29)
Commit perversity in your assemblies (29:29)
Continued in the comments.
submitted by TheQuranicMumin to islam [link] [comments]
I've attempted to compile the "do's and don'ts" of the Qur'an, the following list is all OC. I very likely have made some mistakes/errors in judgment whilst compiling, so please do comment and point things out, i'll edit the post.
Enjoy :)
﷽
Do this:
Serve God (1:5)Ask God for help (1:5)
Believe in Unseen (2:3)
Uphold the salāt (2:3)
Believe in the Qur’an and what preceded it (2:4)
Be certain of the Hereafter (2:4)
If in doubt, bring a Surah like it (2:23)
If there comes to you guidance from Him, follow it (2:38)
Render the zakāt (2:43)
Be in ruku’ (2:43)
Use reason (2:44)
Seek help in patience and salāt (2:45)
Consider your meeting with the Lord (2:46)
Be in prudent fear of the judgment day (2:48)
Trust in God, the last day, and do good (2:62)
Be good to parents (2:83)
Be good to kin, fatherless or the poor (2:83)
Be in prudent fear (2:103)
Say “look at us” (2:104)
Pardon and forbear (2:109)
Send good ahead (2:110)
Bring proof of claims (2:111)
Submit to God (2:112)
Do Good (2:82)
Trust in God and the last day (2:126)
Hold to the creed of Abraham (2:135)
Say that you trust in Him, what He has sent down (2:136)
Make no distinction between the prophets (2:136)
Immerse in Him (2:138)
Respond to those who say that Abraham (and descendants) were Christians/Jews with “know you better, or does God?” (2:140)
Direct your face to the inviolable place of worship wherever you are (2:144)
Remember Him (2:152)
Be grateful to Him (2:152)
Be patient (2:153)
Bear glad tidings to the patient (2:155)
Repent / Ask forgiveness (2:160)
Love Him (2:165)
Eat what is halāl or tayyeb (2:168)
Trust in Him, the last day, the angels, the Writ, the prophets (2:177)
Give wealth to relatives, the fatherless, the needy, and the wayfarer (2:177)
Manumit slaves (2:177)
Keep a covenant when you make it (2:177)
Qisās ‘prescribed’ (2:178)
Pay blood-money if no Qisās (2:178)
Will ‘prescribed’ (2:180)
Make right when you notice testator partiality (2:182)
Fasting in general ‘prescribed’ (2:183)
If sick or on journey, carry fasting forward (2:184)
Pay fidya if fast missed (2:184)
Fast in Ramadān (2:185)
Respond to Him (2:186)
Trust Him (2:186)
Lie with women after fasting (2:187)
Seek what he prescribed (2:187)
Eat and drink until the white thead is clear from the dark, then fast till sunset (2:187)
Approach houses by doors (2:189)
Fight those who fight you (2:190)
Kill those who fight you (2:191)
Turn out those who turned you out (2:191)
Don’t fight in the inviolable masjid until fought (2:191)
Fight until they desist, or until the end of fitnah (2:193)
Qisās in the sacred months (2:194)
Spend in His cause (2:195)
Do the hajj (2:196)
Do the offering of animals if not possible (2:196)
If sick, or hindrance of the head: redemption by fasting, charity, or penance (2:196)
If cannot attend, fast three days during it, the seven days upon return, save if family is permanently resident on site (2:196)
Take provision (2:197)
Remember Him at al-mash’ar al-harām (2:198)
Pour forth from where men have poured forth (2:199)
Remember Him like the remembrance of your father or stronger, after rites finished (2:200)
Ask Him to give you good in the World and Hereafter, and to protect you from the punishment (2:201)
Sell yourself for Him (2:207)
Enter into submission completely (2:208)
Fighting ‘prescribed’ (2:216)
Trust (2:218)
Emigrate (2:218)
Strive in His cause (2:218)
Hope for his mercy (2:218)
Spend the surplus (2:219)
Approach purified women in the correct manner (2:222)
Purify yourself (2:222)
Bear glad tidings to the mu’minūn (2:223)
Wait four months after foreswearing women (2:226)
Divorced women wait themselves for three menstrural courses (2:228)
When divorcing, retain them or release them (2:231)
Remember His favour (2:231)
Children are suckled for two ‘haūl’ (2:233)
Father provides provision and clothing (2:233)
Widows must wait for 4 months and ten days (2:234)
When divorcing her and you haven’t touched her nor appointed an obligation for her, make her a gift (2:236)
If they have an obligation appointed, then give half, unless forgoed (2:237)
Don’t forget the bounty between you two (2:237)
Preserve the salawāt (2:238)
Stand up for God humbly obedient (2:238)
If in fear, waking or riding (2:239)
Widows are to recieve one years maintenance with no expulsion (2:240)
Divorced women recieve provision (2:241)
Fight in His cause (2:244)
Spend of what He provided (2:254)
Deny tāghūt (2:257)
Spend in His cause (2:261)
Give up usury (2:278)
Defer money return until ease upon borrower (2:280)
[Follow debt contract instructions] (2:282)
If on journey and no writer, then a pledge in hand (2:283)
Make no distinction between messengers (2:285)
Obey Him (2:285)
Be truthful (3:17)
Seek forgiveness at dawn (3:17)
Be obedient (3:17)
Bear witness that there is no God save He (3:18)
Ask those given the writ and the unschooled if they’ve submitted (3:20)
Obey Him and the Messenger (3:32)
If they turn away, bear witness that you are submitting (3:64)
Fulfil your covenant (3:76)
Make no distinction between the prophets (3:84)
Spend of what you love (3:92)
Make pilgrimage to the house (3:97)
Hold fast to Him (3:101)
Hold fast to the rope of God together (3:103)
Have a community that invites to God, enjoins what is fitting, and forbids perversity (3:104)
Compete in good deeds (3:114)
Place trust in Him (3:122)
Be in prudent fear of the fire (3:131)
Vie with each other for forgiveness (3:133)
Control wrath (3:134)
Travel in the Earth to see the final outcome of the deniers (3:137)
Seek His approval (3:162)
Respond to God after injury befalls (3:172)
Fear Him (3:175)
Remember Allah standing, sitting, on the sides; reflect on the creation (3:191)
Be steady (3:200)
Give the fatherless their property (4:2)
If there is an injustice of the fatherless, then perform polygamy (4:3)
Give women their dowries (4:4)
If they remit anything voluntarily, then consume it with satisfaction and pleasure (4:4)
Feed and clothe the incompetent (4:5)
Test the fatherless when they reach marriage, if they are sound then give their property with witnesses (4:6)
Men/Women have a designated share of what parents/relatives leave (4:7)
If the fatherless and needy are at the site of division, then give part of what is left (4:8)
[Inheritance laws] (4:12-13)
[*] (4:15-16)
If you can’t marry free women, then from MMA of believing maids, marry them with the lesve of their people (4:25)
MMA are due half the punishment of free wine if they commit fāhisha (4:25)
Avoid enormities of whats forbidden (4:31)
For men and women is a share of what they earned (4:32)
Give shares to those whom your oaths have bound (4:33)
Men have responsibility over women (4:34)
Women are to be humbly obedient and keeping unseen what God keeps (4:34)
If you fear contempt from your women, then admonish them, and leave in beds apart, and [*] them – save that they obey you (4:34)
If a breach is feared, then an arbitrator from both sides are to be raised (4:35)
Good conduct towards relatives, the fatherless, the needy, the neighbour, the companion, the wayfarers, and MMA (4:36)
Spend of what Allah provides (4:39)
If you are ill, on a journey, have defecated, or had intercourse, and find not water, then perform tayammum (4:43)
Deliver trusts to owners and judge with justice (4:58)
Obey those in authority amongst you (4:59)
If you differ in a matter, refer to God and the Messenger (4:59)
Turn away from munāfiqūn, and admonish them (4:63)
Ask the messenger to ask forgiveness for you (4:64)
Take precaution and advance in groups/together (4:71)
Fight satan’s allies (4:76)
Consider the Qur’an with care (4:82)
Interceding in a good cause (4:85)
When you are greeted, return it, or greet with something greater (4:86)
Take not that munāfiqūn as allies until they emigrate in His cause, if they turn back then kill them (4:89)
If they withdraw and offer peace, you have no path against them (4:90)
Accidental murder of a mu’min: Manumit a mu’min slave and give blood-momey to family – save forgiveness (4:92)
Fast two months consecutively if not possible (4:92)
Verify/investigate when you go forth in His cause (4:94)
When you are amongst them then perform the salāt for them[follow procedure mentioned] (4:102)
When that salāt is concluded, remember Him standing, sitting, on the sides, and when at ease (4:103)
The salāt is required to be performed at set times for the mu’minūn (4:103)
Submit your face to Him, do good, follow the creed of Abraham (4:125)
Stand up for equity for the fatherless (4:127)
Be witnesses to God (4:135)
Bear tidings to the munāfiqūn (4:138)
Desist from tritheism (4:171)
[Kalalah inheritance] (4:176)
Fulfil contracts (5:1)
Assist one another to virtue (5:2)
Eat from what is caught by what you have trained of animals of prey as trainers (5:4)
When you rise for the prayer, wash the face, the hands, the arm, and the feet to the ankles (5:6)
If you are unclean, then purify yourself (5:6)
Lend to God a goodly loan (5:12)
Bury after death? (5:31)
If one wages war against God and His messenger, and work corruption in the land: Then kill them, or crucify [or put to death by stake] them, ot their hands and feet be cut off, or they be banished (5:33)
Seek to Him the means of approach (5:35)
[Punishment for stealing] (5:38)
Let ahl al-injīl judge by what God sent (5:47)
Take Him, His messenger, and those who trusted as allies (5:56)
Be moderate (5:66)
Prevent one another from performing perversity (5:79)
Eat of what God has provided from what is lawful and good (5:88)
[Oath expiation] (5:89)
Avoid khamr, games of change, altars, and divining arrows (5:90)
Bear responsibility for yourself (5:105)
[Testimony after death] (5:106)
Listen (5:108)
Travel in the Earth to see the final outcomes of the deniers (6:11)
Use reason (6:32)
Call to Him (6:41)
Humble yourself (6:43)
Turn in repentance after committing evil by ignorance (6:54)
Measure God with the measure due (6:91)
Preserve your salāt (6:92)
Leave those who fabricate, and what they fabricate (6:112)
Eat over which His name has been remembered (6:118)
Leave the outwardness and the inwardness of sin (6:120)
Work according to your power (6:135)
Render due on day of harvest (6:141)
Inform with knowledge when making claim (6:143)
Follow the straight path (6:153)
Dedicate your salāt, penance, your living, and your dying to Him (6:162)
Uphold countenances at every place of submission (7:29)
Call to Him sincere in doctrine (7:29)
Take your adornment at every place of submission (7:31)
Acknowledge Messengers when they come (7:35)
Call to Him humbly and in secret (7:55)
Be patient for the judgment (7:87)
Repent and believe after evil deeds (7:153)
Follow the unschooled prophet (7:157)
Forbid evil (7:165)
Use your [metaphoric] senses (7:179)
Call to Him by his names (7:180)
Call your partners and see if they respond (7:194)
Seek refuge in Him from the satan, if provoked (7:200)
Heed to the Qur’an and listen attentively (7:204)
Reserve spoils for God and His messenger (8:1)
Make right in what is between you (8:1)
Respond to Him and His messenger when He calls you to what gives you life (8:24)
Fight until no fitnah (8:39)
If they turn away know that He’s your protector (8:40)
What you obtain of spoils, a fifth belongs to God, His messenger, relatives, fatherless, the poor, and wayfarer (8:41)
If you fear treachery, cast them back (8:58)
Prepare forces and calvary to terrify them (8:60)
If they incline to peace, then incline to it (8:61)
Consume what you took of spoils (8:69)
Strive with four property and lives (8:72)
Help those who seek help within the deen (8:72)
Bear tidings to those in kufr of a painful punishment (9:3)
Kill, seize, ambush, and restrain the mushrikīn once the inviolable months have passed (9:5)
Release them if they repent, and perform the prayer, and render the zakāt (9:5)
If a mushrik seeks protection, grant it,.until he hears His words; then escort to his secure place (9:6)
Fight those who make not unlawful what is unlawful (9:29)
Fight until the jizya is payed (9:29)
Give the Rabbis and Monks tidings of a painful punishment (9:34)
Please Him (9:62)
Let them be (9:95)
Act (9:105)
Rejoice in the contracted bargain with Him (9:111)
Keep His limits (9:112)
Be with the truthful (9:119)
Fight the kufār close to you (9:123)
Be harsh with them (9:123)
Serve Him (10:3)
If they challenge the Qur’an, ask them to bring a Surah like it (10:38)
Declare yourself quit of them (10:41)
Consider that the punishment can come at any time (10:50)
Take a straight path (10:89)
Look at what is in the heavens and the Earth (10:101)
Humble yourself unto Him (11:23)
Be clement, compassionate, penitent (11:75)
Be right-minded (11:78)
Right ordering (11:88)
Watch (11:93)
Fear the punishment of the hereafter (11:103)
Uphold the prayer at both ends of the day, and at the night’s approach (11:114)
Forbid corruption (11:116)
Use reason (12:2)
Pick imprisonment over sexual immorality (12:33)
Invite to Him with insight (12:108)
Respond to Him (13:18)
Join what’s commanded to be joined (13:21)
Avert evil with good (13:22)
Find rest in remembrance (13:28)
Be patient wherein you are hindered (14:12)
Fear His station (14:14)
Speak a good word (14:24)
Leave them to enjoy themselves (15:3)
Give glory (15:98)
Warn that there is no God save Him (16:2)
Be virtuous (16:32)
Ask the people of the remembrance if you know not (16:43)
When you recite the Qur’an, seek refuge from the accursed satan (16:98)
Falsely declare things to be lawful/unlawful (16:116)
Repent, despite committing evil out of ignorance (16:119)
Invite with wisdom, comely admonition, and dispute with what is best (16:125)
Retaliate with the like of what wherewith you are harmed, save that you forgive (16:126)
Strive for the hereafter (17:19)
Good conduct to parents (17:23)
Speak to them a noble word (17:23)
Be gentle with them and make supplication for them (17:24)
Speak a gentle word to those who need charity, but you can’t provide (17:28)
Weigh with the straight balance (17:35)
Recite the Qur’an (17:45)
Say that which is best (17:53)
Uphold the prayer at the merging of the sun until the dark of the night (17:78)
Recite at dawn (17:78)
Keep a vigil with some of the night (17:79)
Ask God to cause you to enter a true entrance and to leave at a true exit (17;80)
Declare that truth has come, and vanity is to pass (17:81)
Declare Him a sufficient witness (17:96)
Perform salāt at a medium volume (17:110)
Whoso wills, let them believe – and vice versa (18:29)
Be steadfast in His ‘ibādah (19:65)
Eat and attend to your cattle (20:54)
Give glory before rising of the sun, before it’s setting, some of the night, and at two ends of the day (20:130)
Extend your eyes towards what has been granted to others (20:131)
Call in hope and fear (21:90)
Be a righteous servant (21:105)
Feed the unfortunate poor (22:28)
Make an end of unkemptness (22:29)
Fulfil vows (22:29)
Walk around that ancient house (22:29)
Honour the sacred things (22:30)
Avoid false speech and abomination of idols (22:30)
Incline to Him (22:31)
Honour the tokens of God (22:32)
Sacrifice at ancient house (22:33)
Remember His name over camels when they are in lines (22:36)
When their flanks collapse, eat thereof and feed the reticent poor and the beggar (22:36)
Be in ruku’, and sujood (22:77)
Be a mu’min (23:1)
Be humble in salāt (23:2)
Preserve chastity (23:5)
Preserve your salawāt (23:9)
Leave them in their flood of ignorance, for a time (23:54)
Have a heavy balance (23:102)
Lash the unchaste woman and the unchaste man each with 100 lashes, have no pity on them, and let it be witnessed by mu’minūn (24:2)
Lash those who accuse chaste women with insufficient witnesses with 80 lashes, and never accept them as a witness (24:4)
If you, as a visitor, are asked to leave, then leave (24:28)
If you are a man, lower your gaze (24:30)
As a woman, you should also lower the gaze, you must additionally not reveal adornment except what I’d apparent, and you should cover the bosom [except to listed people] (24:31)
Give in marriage the unmarried (24:32)
Abstain if you find not marriage (24:33)
Emancipate those who seek it, if there is good in them, and give them of your wealth (24:33)
Declare allegiance (24:51)
If you are part of one’s right hand possessions, or one who has not reached puberty yet, then – ask permission before entering at the three times of their nakedness (24:58)
Greet with a greeting from God (24:61)
Rest at night (25:47)
Walk modestly (25:63)
Speak peace when addressed by ignorants (25:63)
Spend the night standing and in sujūd (25:64)
Seek a middle ground when spending, if you must (25:63)
Pass by vain speech with dignity (25:72)
Request to Him that your wives and progeny be made a comfort, and make you a good model (25:74)
Obey the command of the committers of excess (26:151)
Warn relatives (26:214)
Help people out (28:25)
Seek provision with Him (29:17)
Discover how He originated creation (29:20)
Reflect within yourself (30:8)
Provide to MMA (30:28)
Set yourself towards the right natural deen (30:30)
Desire His face (30:38)
Prepare for yourself (30:44)
Grateful to parents (31:14)
Be modest in walk (31:19)
Lower the voice (31:19)
Fall in sujūd when reminded of proofs (32:15)
Forsake your bed (32:16)
Call the adopted children by their fathers (33:5)
Take the messenger as a model
Stay within houses [prophet wives] (33:33)
Give glory morning and evening (33:42)
Give those whom you divorce before consummation provision (33:49)
[Historic conduct regarding prophet’s house] (33:53)
Greet the prophet with a valuation (33:56)
Women draw down over themselves some garments, for recognition (33:59)
Stand up for God in twos and alone, then reflect (34:46)
Let the workers work (37:61)
Remember David, the repentant (38:17)
Be humbly obedient in the watches of the night (39:9)
Hope for His mercy (39:9)
Expand your breast to submission (39:22)
Experience a positive reaction to the Qur’an (39:23)
Come with the truth and live in accordance to it (39:33)
Follow the best of what is sent down (39:55)
Invite to your Lord (41:33)
Grow not weary in giving glory (41:38)
Take the Qur’an as a healing (41:44)
Defer disputes to His judgement (42:10)
Uphold the Deen (42:13)
Be in dread of the hour (42:18)
Love your kin (42:23)
Avoid enormities of sin and immorality (42:37)
Conduct affairs by mutual consultation (42:38)
Help yourself when insolence visits (42:39)
Remember His favour once settled on cattle (43:13)
Watch for the day of the obvious smoke (44:10)
Watch (44:59)
Forgive those who look not for His days (45:14)
Follow the sharī’a (45:18)
Keep to the path (46:13)
[Say what is mentioned upon reaching fourty] (46:15)
Believe in what was sent down upon Muhammad (47:2)
Smite the necks of those in kufr when in battle (47:4)
Grace or ransom war captives (47:4)
Help Him (47:7)
Be obedient (47:21)
Consider the Qur’an with care (47:24)
Sue for peace when you have the upper hand (47:35)
Honour the messenger (48:9)
Be hard against those in kufr (48:29)
Lower voice in presence of messenger (49:3)
Verify the report of a perfidious one (49:6)
Make right between groups of mu’minūn (49:9)
Fight the oppressive group (49:9)
Make right between brothers (49:10)
Preserve modesty and duties (50:32)
Give ear with a conscious mind (50:37)
Glorify at the ends of the sujūd (50:40)
Listen for the day that the Caller will call from near (50:41)
Sleep little of the night (51:17)
Ask forgiveness before break of day (51:18)
Give glory when arising (52:48)
Give glory at the retreat of the stars (52:49)
Remember the ayah of the ark (54:15)
Remember the Qur’an, which is easy for remembrance (54:17)
Remember destruction of sects (54:51)
Fear His standing (55:46)
Aim to be of the sābiqūn (56:10)
Touch the Qur’an only when purified (56:79)
Aim to be of the muqarrabūn (56:88)
Fight before victories (57:10)
Lend to Him a goodly loan (57:11)
Compete for forgiveness (57:21)
Observe good/neutral innovations with due observation (57:27)
If you go back on what you have said, then free a slave before touching [other circumstances in next verse] (58:3)
When engaging in private conversation, don’t allow it to be of a sinful kind (58:9)
Make room in the assemblies when instructed; arise when instructed (58:11)
[Charity before conversation with messenger historically] (58:12)
What the messenger gives you, take it [and opposite] (59:7)
Protect from avarice of the nafs (59:9)
Look to what you have sent ahead for the morrow (59:18)
Take Abraham and his companions as good models [see full verse] (60:4)
Examine the emigrated women, to determine their faith; if they are mu’mināt, send them not back (60:10)
Return the mahr to those whom have had wives flee to kuffār (60:11)
Fight in compacted ranks (61:4)
When the call for the Friday salāt is heard, hasten to it (62:9)
Disperse upon completion, seek His bounty (62:10)
Spend before death arrives (63:10)
Beware of enemies amongst wives and children (64:14)
Listen to the Qur’an (64:16)
Count waiting period after divorce (65:1)
Turn divorcees out of house, unless they commit immorality (65:1)
Seperation to be witnessed by two just men (65:2)
If no menstruation, count three months (65:4)
If pregnant, wait until end (65:4)
Lodge then where you are, according to means, don’t press them (65:6)
Spend if they have a child, until delivered (65:6)
If they suckle, give them their reward; consult honourably (65:6)
If difficulties between you, let another suckle (65:6)
Let him with abundance spend out of it (65:7)
Fear your Lord while unseen (67:12)
Walk in the tracts (67:15)
Be patient with comely patience (70:5)
Be constant in your salāt (70:23)
Confirm.the day of judgment (70:26)
Be in dread of the punishment (70:27)
Be upright in your witness (70:33)
Preserve you salāt (70:34)
Follow the broad ways of the Earth (71:20)
Recite the Qur’an distinctly (73:4)
Devote yourself completely to Him (73:8)
Recite what is made easy of the Qur’an (73:20)
Magnify Him (74:3)
Purify your garments (74:4)
Foresake defilement (74:5)
Give food out of love of Him to the prisoner (76:8)
Seek a way to paradise (76:18)
Remember His name morning and evening (76:25)
If you have a plan then plan against Him [challenge] (77:39)
Be lowly (77:48)
Take the day as a living (78:11)
Take your Lord as a journey’s end (78:39)
Fear His station (79:40)
Let aspire those who aspire (83:26)
Let look at what you are created from (86:5)
Take heed (87:10)
Purify yourself (87:14)
Remember His name (87:15)
Look at the creation of the camel, sky, mountain, Earth (88:20)
Free a slave (90:13)
Feed in a day of starvation a fatherless relation, or a needy one in misery (90:16)
Counsel one another to compassion (90:17)
Increase the nafs in purity (91:9)
Confirm the best (92:6)
Recount His favour (93:11)
When unoccupied, make ready (94:7)
Turn your desire to Him (94:8)
Enjoin prudent fear (96:12)
Draw near (96:19)
Be pleased with Him (98:8)
Have a heavy balance (101:6)
Counsel each other to truth (103:3)
Sacrifice (108:2)
Declare that you serve not what those in kufr serve (109:2)
Declare the oneness.of Him (112:1)
Seek refuge in Him from the evil of what He created, the darkness, the blowers on knots, and the envier (113:5)
Seek refuge from the evil of the retreating whisperer (114:4)
Don’t do this:
Buy error at the price of guidance (2:16)Make equals with God (2:22)
Deny before bringing a surah like it (2:24)
Break the agreement (2:27)
Work corruption in the land (2:27)
Deny the āyāt (2:39)
Conceal truth knowingly (2:42)
Enjoin virtue and forget yourselves (2:44)
Ask to see/interact with Him openly (2:55)
Change the saying (2:59)
Complain (2:61)
Kill prophets (2:61)
Exceed bounds / Transgress (2:61)
Transgress the Sabbath (2:65)
Ask unnecessary/excessive questions (2:71)
Assume (2:78)
Fabricate a kitāb, claiming it’s from God (2:79)
Ascribe what you know not (2:80)
Allow offenses to encompass you (2:81)
Kill amongst you and turn out of homes (2:84)
Assist in sin (2:85)
Believe in part of the kitāb and reject the rest (2:85)
Buy this life over the hereafter (2:86)
Wax proud (2:87)
Claim that your heart is covered (2:88)
Deny what God has sent (2:90)
Ignore/Deny clear signs (2:92)
Commit shirk (2:96)
Be an enemy to Him, angels, messenger, or Gabriel and Michael (2:98)
Practice sihr (2:102)
Say “attend to us” (2:104)
Ask Muhammad the same way that Moses was asked (2:108)
Exchange security for kufr (2:108)
Attempt to bring people into kufr (2:109)
Claim who enters paradise (2:111)
Hinder places places of worship (2:114)
Say that He has a son (2:116)
Follow vain desires (2:120)
Be in kufr (2:126)
Be averse to the creed of Abraham (2:130)
Die save you are submitting (2:132)
Conceal witness from Him (2:140)
Say that those matyred are dead (2:154)
Follow the footsteps of shaytān (2:168)
Commit evil (2:169)
Commit the immorality (2:169)
Follow/Trust forefathers blindly (2:170)
Eat carrion, blood, or flesh of al-khinzīr (2:173)
Eat what is dedicated to other than Him (2:173)
Buy punishment at the price of forgiveness (2:175)
Differ concerning the kitāb (2:176)
Transgress after qisās settlement (2:178)
Change the will (2:181)
Lie with women when remaining in masājid (2:187)
Consume wealth in vanity (2:188)
Bribery (2:188)
Shave head until animal is at slaughter place (2:196)
Destroy yourself (2:195)
Have sex, do perfidity, or quarrel during hajj (2:197)
Ask God to give to you in the World (2:200)
Complete the hajj in less than two days (2:203)
Destroy tilth and progeny (2:205)
Have pride in sin (2:206)
Exchange favour of God for denial (2:211)
Fight in the sacred months (2:217)
Expel those of the inviolable masjid (2:217)
Consume khamr or engage in games of change (2:219)
Marry mushrikīn until they are safe from calling to hell (2:221)
Approach women during menstruation (2:222)
Make God a cover for oaths (2:224)
Conceal pregnancy (2:228)
Take what you have given women unless they cannot uphold the limits (2:229)
Transgress the limits of God (2:229)
Remarriage not lawful till she marries someone else (2:230)
Retain women through harm (2:231)
Take ayāt in mockery (2:231)
Constrain not those whom you divorce from marrying spouses (2:232)
Allow a mothefather to be harmed by child (2:233)
Take an oath with those whom you intimated of women regarding proposal, save you speak a fitting word (2:235)
Decide upon knot of marriage until writ reaches it’s term (2:235)
Force others into the doctrine (2:256)
Hinder (2:262)
Commit immortality (2:268)
Consume usury (2:275)
Commit sin (2:276)
Conceal the witness (2:283)
Seek the interpretation of what is ambiguous, seeking fitnah (3:7)
Kill those who enjoin equity (3:21)
Say that the fire will touch for days numbered (3:24)
Take kāfirūn as allies (3:28)
Engage in scheming (3:54)
Dispute regarding what you have no knowledge in (3:66)
Clothe truth in vanity (3:71)
Seek outside the doctrine of God (3:83)
Deny after faith (3:86)
Obey a faction of those given the writ (3:100)
Be divided (3:103)
Take intimatez other than your own (3:118)
Consume usury (3:130)
Faint/Grieve (3:139)
Assume entry to jannah (3:142)
Weaken/Yield (3:146)
Be like those in kufr, who believe that different circumstances would have saved their brothers (3:156)
Coercion (3:161)
Incur His wrath (3:162)
Say with your mouths what isn’t in your heart (3:167)
Think that those killed in his cause are dead (3:169)
Fear not Satan’s allies (3:175)
Buy denial at the price of faith (3:177)
Be miserly with what God gives of His bounty (3:180)
Say that God is poor (3:181)
Having pride and pretending (3:188)
Exchange your bad things for their [fatherless] good things (4:2)
Polygamy if you fear that the fatherless will not be justly treated (4:3)
Give the incompetent your wealth (4:5)
Consume the property of the fatherless wastefully/hastily (4:6)
Try repent last minute (4:18)
Inheriting from/Constraining wiomen against their will – save that they commit fāhisha (4:19)
Take from the fortune that you gave your first wife for your new wife (4:20)
Marrying what your fathers married (4:22)
Marrying your mothers, daughters, sisters, p/m aunts, nieces, milk-mothers, milk-sisters, mothers-in-law, step-daughters under protection, daughters-in-law, being in wedlock with two biological sisters simultaneously (4:23)
Marrying married women – save MMA (4:24)
Take secret friends (4:25)
Kill those amongst you (4:29)
Consume wealth in vanity (4:29)
Wish for that by which Allah has made some of you exceed others (4:32)
Being a conceited boaster (4:36)
Being miserly and enjoining miserliness (4:37)
Spend wealth for recognition (4:38)
Oppose the messenger (4:42)
Approaching the salāt when intoxicated or unclean – save passing by upon the path – until you wash (4:43)
Twist tongue and slander the Deen (4:46)
Beliefs in fictions and tāghūt (4:51)
Envy the bounty of others (4:54)
Referring legislation to tāghūt (4:60)
Staying behind from fighting (4:72)
Try hiding away (4:78)
Conspiring (4:81)
Leaking information regarding public safety (4:83)
Interceding in an evil cause (4:85)
Killing a mu’min on purpose (4:92)
If one greets with peace, don’t declare them a non-mu’min (4:94)
Being sedentary (4:95)
Making excuses about being oppressed, to justify wronging their souls (4:97)
Faint in seeking the people (4:104)
Advocating for the treacherous (4:105)
Argue on behalf of those who decieve themselves (4:107)
Commit an offense upon an innocent (4:122)
Make a breach with the messenger after the guidance is clear (4:115)
Following desires, changing the creation (4:119)
Incline towards only one wife, leaving the other hanging (4:129)
Distort/Evade (4:135)
Wavering (4:137)
Sit with those who discourse vainly concerning the proofs of God until they move to another subject (4:140)
Seel to decieve God (4:142)
Performing the salāt to be seen (4:142)
Public mention of evil, save when wronged (4:148)
‘Choosing’ messengers (4:150)
Ask to see God (4:153)
Be tritheistic (4:171)
Hunt when forbidden (5:1)
Violate the tokens of God, or the inviolable month, or the offering, or the necklaces, or the visitors (5:2)
Commit injustice to those who turned you out of the inviolable place of worship (5:2)
Consume the strangled, the beaten, the fallen, the gored, that eaten by the beast of prey – save what is slaughtered, that sacrificed upon the alter (5:3)
Seek apportionment by divining arrows (5:3)
Deny the faith (5:5)
Claim that God is the Messiah, son of Mary (5:17)
Claim that you are His sons and beloved (5:18)
Kill another soul (5:30)
Fear mankind (5:44)
Take the Jews and Christians as allies (5:51)
Take those who take the dīn in mockery as allies (5:57)
Take the call to the salāt in mockery (5:58)
Claim that His hand is fettered (5:64)
Forbid the good things made lawful (5:87)
Kill game when forbidden (5:95)
[Expiation for killing] (5:95)
Ask about things that would distress you if made clear (5:101)
Follow forefathers (5:104)
Declare clear signs to be sorcery (5:110)
Take Jesus and Mary as gods (5:116)
Ask for angels (6:8)
Mock messengers (6:10)
Be among the mushrikīn (6:14)
Oppose Him (6:15)
Be a wrongdoer (6:21)
Declare the Qur’an to be be legend (6:25)
Claim that there is only one life (6:29)
Denial of the meeting (6:31)
Of the ignorant (6:35)
Call to other than Him (6:40)
Take an intercessor besides Him (6:51)
Drive away those seeking His face (6:52)
Sit with those who discourse vainly concerning His proofs (6:68)
Take your deen as play and diversion 6:70)
Clothe the faith with injustice (6:82)
Deny the Writ, judgment, and prophethood (6:89)
Claim revelation (6:93)
Be deluded (6:95)
Make the jinn partners of God (6:100)
Revile those whom are called besides Him (6:108)
Seek other than Him.as a judge (6:114)
Be of the doubtful (6:114)
Obey most on Earth (6:116)
Lead astray by vain desires without knowledge (6:119)
Eat not that over which His name has not been remembered (6:121)
Assigning a share of His creation to partners (6:136)
Declaring things to be taboo (6:138)
Kill your children (6:140)
Make unlawful what He has provided you (6:140)
Commit excess (6:141)
Approach open or concealed immorality (6:151)
Follow other ways (6:153)
Wait for angels (6:158)
Divide the deen into sects (6:159)
Allow the satan to subject you to fitnah (7:27)
Commit excess when eating and drinking (7:31)
Make unlawful the adornment of God (7:32)
Sectarian zealotry (7:33)
Wax proud at proofs (7:36)
Be a mujrim (7:40)
Seek to make His path crooked (7:45)
Name names with no authority (7:71)
Scorn His command (7:77)
Approach men with lust, rather than women (7:80)
Lie in wait on the road, threatening and turning away from The Path (7:86)
Being blind to lessons (7:95)
Bribe using promise of power (7:114)
Bewitch people (7:116)
Be stubborn (7:132)
Be heedless of proofs (7:136)
Follow that path of the workers of corruption (7:142)
Take the wrong path, ignore the path of sound judgment (7:146)
Be impatient over His command (7:150)
Be a forger (7:152)
Scorn what you’ve been forbidden.(7:166)
Deviate concerning His names (7:180)
Public speech (7:205)
Dispute the truth after it’s clear (8:6)
Retreat (8:15)
Turn away when you are near (8:20)
Pretend to hear (8:21)
Betray (8:27)
Turn away from the inviolable place of submission (8:34)
Make a mockery of the salāt (8:35)
Spend wealth on turning away from path of God (8:36)
Dispute together (8:46)
Be boastful (8:47)
Let those in kufr believe that they got away (8:59)
Bear tidings of a painful punishment to the mushrikīn with whom a covenant has been made, who haven’t been deficient towards you in anything, nor assisted anyone against you (9:4)
Allow your beloved things to be dearer to you than Him and His messenger (9:24)
Allow the mushrikīn to approach the inviolable place of submission (9:28)
Take Rabbis and Monks as lords (9:31)
Wrong yourselves concerning the count of months (9:36)
Engage in their postponement (9:37)
Spend unwillingly (9:54)
Come to the prayer as an idler (9:54)
Allow their wealth and children to impress you (9:55)
Complain regarding charity distribution (9:58)
Hinder the prophet (9:61)
Enjoin perversity and forbid what is fitting (9:67)
Withhold His bounty and turn away (9:76)
Deride the believers who willingly give charity (9:79)
Remain behind due to weather (9:81)
Perform the funeral prayer for any one of them (9:84)
Staying behind due to affluence (9:86)
Make excuses (9:94)
Take what you spend as a loss, await reversals (9:98)
Take a place of submission in harm and denial (9:107)
Ask forgiveness for the mushrikīn (9:113)
Go forth all at once (9:122)
Look not for the meeting (10:7)
Neglect after being helped (10:12)
Desire for the Qur’an to be changed (10:15)
Rebel in the Earth after being delivered (10:23)
Deny before interpretation arrives to you (10:39)
Allow their speech to grieve you (10:65)
Repent too late (10:91)
Hide away (11:5)
Wish that a treasure or an angel had been sent upon him.(11:12)
Make the path crooked (11:19)
Dismiss on basis of mortality and lack of bounty (11:27)
Claim that your deity caused messenger to be touched with evil (11:54)
Follow that command of tyrants (11:59)
Heed due to their disappointment (11:62)
Decrease the measure and the balance (11:84)
Respevt others for power more than you do Him (11:92)
Rely upon those who do wrong (11:113)
Reveal dreams that could cause enmity (12:5)
Falsify evidence (12:18)
Sexual assault (12:23)
Despair of the comfort of God (12:87)
Deny physical resurrection (13:5)
Seek to hasten the evil instead of the good (13:6)
Sever what’s commanded to be joined (13:25)
Become bored when being presented with ayāt (14:9)
Threaten to expell warners (14:13)
Respond to Satan (14:22)
Speak a bad word (14:26)
Ignore similitudes (14:45)
Be of those who despair (15:55)
Refuse to provide rights and hospitality (15:70)
Build bunkers to feel secure from Him (15:82)
Make the Qur’an into parts (15:91)
Seek to hasten the command (16:1)
Be an open disputant (16:4)
Offer submission too late (16:28)
Appoint daughters for Him (16:57)
Refuse to give provision to those that their right hands posses (16:71)
Make conceptual comparisons for God (16:74)
Be a burden (16:76)
Take oaths as deception (16:92)
Take another disposer of affairs (17:2)
Being hasty (17:11)
Be perfidious (17:16)
Say “fie” to / Repell old parents (17:23)
Squander wastefully (17:26)
Be extreme on both ends of charity (17:29)
Kill your children for fear of poverty (17:31)
Approach zina (17:32)
Commit excess in lawful killing (17:33)
Walk exultantly (17:37)
Be neither loud nor quiet in salāt (17:110)
Say that you will do something later without declaring that it’s dependant upon God’s will (18:23)
Show-off (18:34)
Declare something to be eternal (18:35)
Be contentious (18:54)
Try refuting the truth (18:56)
Do shirk in the ‘ibadah of Him (18:110)
Follow lusts instead of the salāt (19:59)
Deny, then claim that you will recieve wealth and children (19:77)
Neglect the rememberance (20:42)
Carry injustice (20:111)
Oppose His command (20:121)
Have a distracted heart (21:3)
Declare the Qur’an to make no sense (21:5)
Declare yourself to be a God (21:29)
Be devoted to statues (21:52)
Divide your affair amongst yourselves (21:93)
Serve upon an edge (22:11)
Be a treacherous ingrate (22:38)
Take what Satan casts as a fitnah for you (22:53)
Seek behind relations with wives or MMA (23:7)
Declare His promise to be far-fetched (23:36)
Be self-exalting (23:46)
Divide your command into writings (23:53)
Talk to no purpose into the night (23:67)
Have a light balance (23:103)
Marry other than one unchaste or a mushrik, if you are unchaste (24:3)
Accuse chaste women without sufficient witnesses (24:4)
Love that there be spread of immorality (24:19)
Swear not to give (24:22)
Enter other’s houses without having asked leave nor greeted those therein (24:27)
Strike feet to reveal adornment [for women] (24:31)
Compel your girls to whoredom, if they desire chastity (24:33)
Submit only when the truth is to your liking (24:49)
Swear that you’d do what the messenger commands (24:53)
Slip away surreptitiously (24:63)
Be greatly scornful (25:21)
Make friends with wrong people (25:28)
Abandon the Qur’an (25:30)
Take desires as a god (25:43)
Spend extravagantly and miserly (25:67)
Bear witness to falsehood (25:72)
Disbelieve on basis of abject followers (26:111)
Build bunkers to live forever (26:129)
Lay hold as tyrants (26:130)
Cheat with men (26:166)
Follow poets (26:224)
Hasten on the evil before the good (27:46)
Commit immorality with open eyes (27:54)
Approach men with lust instead of women (27:55)
Divide and oppress people (28:4)
Seek the ignorant (28:55)
Exult in riches (28:76)
Assume that you won’t be tried (29:2)
Obey parents who compel you to shirk (29:8)
Take idols as love between you and the life of this world (29:25)
Cut off the way (29:29)
Commit perversity in your assemblies (29:29)
Continued in the comments.
2024.05.18 13:59 Shittystreetpoet [lyrics] [original] Reflections of a Circus Freak
Stenographer auditor / in case of bad intention harborer / Harbinger / the bad listener's arbite unnecessarily hard on ya/ like you're part of the family/ the love showing up late uncannily/ Twins trying to play calamity/ what game he says not understanding the gravity/ Maybe just getting lost in the tapestry / his way of trying to navigate tactically / As if the key to immortality is nothing more than keeping substitutes on the faculty / Actually that'll leave you a casualty / so if they come after me frantically / That's when I show animal teeth and growl irrationally / it's a full moon unnaturally / like we planned it to be as we planted seeds tacitly / Tenacity to climb the bean stalk for some obscene talk / Climb down clean chop and watch g's squawk / Whole less fly notarized / no longer in short supply just north of why / Headed in misdirections bein' lead in by self reflections is the lesson we're tested with then / Which leads to guesswork and extra questions / who's best in / who bested/ Shit even god had a day that he rested/ even if you believe we less than/ or you think his existence is a bit of an elephant / it's irrelevant / we just wanna act in his eminence even if we ain't nearly as intelligent / and more survival on the elements / as is self evident entered evidence / Sentiment centers senselessness depenin' on whos sellin' it at least that's what I was taught center is
Got a jester's tendencies / Thinks the pageantry is peasantry/ Presently tryin to shepard me in and out of jeopardy / Balance festering / D.O.A. as of today / Now stop pestering / Ask again met with Next question-ing / And 2 for flinching Weaponry / Heavily supportive of the revelry / And can prove it readily / Not on command unless before hand you decide to credit me / And answers a few question about the telemetry / Like how high / and now why / Must I supply / the momentum to reach the sky / Say yes as a means to teach a lie / Say no as you dream to delete that guy / And divide he causes / Basic the caustics / Desire neutral on diagnostics / But wishing wells require haustus / Cost is a little Faust-ish / like Mephisto taught us If we're anything but flawless / he'll drag us back to the office / Quest for Camelot ending Devon and cornwall-ish / Started as 2 sides bickering raucous / Initially Cautious / of what each got us but equally god less / got us feeling like Holy War Generales/ holding a sword with all the notches / Turned supportive of each other like "you got this" / When being attacked is one of life's constants / You don't need calls coming from inside the house correspondents /
Smoke signals pyrotechnic hieroglyphics / Don't understand shit, but at least it light up the entrance / The fuck does that mean in the sentence / Oh.../ ...do you not derive meaning from the senseless? / Can't you see I stole new clothes made for the empress / Find me where they won't recognize the biometrics / Piece it together then disappear like tetris / Underlying bias / like standing on the shoulders of giants / Believing it was your own triumphs / Not reliance on mythical pseudoscience / And a dash of lucky timin(g)s / Defining the value were deriving / Maybe you understand why demure is left behind then / If you ain't heard of me, / guess this is where others talk precision like surgery But I'm more in your face b&e burglary / and bad doc murdery / Did I do it? Certainly / In the op room not the doc dude I'm the circus freak
submitted by Shittystreetpoet to LyricalWriting [link] [comments]
Got a jester's tendencies / Thinks the pageantry is peasantry/ Presently tryin to shepard me in and out of jeopardy / Balance festering / D.O.A. as of today / Now stop pestering / Ask again met with Next question-ing / And 2 for flinching Weaponry / Heavily supportive of the revelry / And can prove it readily / Not on command unless before hand you decide to credit me / And answers a few question about the telemetry / Like how high / and now why / Must I supply / the momentum to reach the sky / Say yes as a means to teach a lie / Say no as you dream to delete that guy / And divide he causes / Basic the caustics / Desire neutral on diagnostics / But wishing wells require haustus / Cost is a little Faust-ish / like Mephisto taught us If we're anything but flawless / he'll drag us back to the office / Quest for Camelot ending Devon and cornwall-ish / Started as 2 sides bickering raucous / Initially Cautious / of what each got us but equally god less / got us feeling like Holy War Generales/ holding a sword with all the notches / Turned supportive of each other like "you got this" / When being attacked is one of life's constants / You don't need calls coming from inside the house correspondents /
Smoke signals pyrotechnic hieroglyphics / Don't understand shit, but at least it light up the entrance / The fuck does that mean in the sentence / Oh.../ ...do you not derive meaning from the senseless? / Can't you see I stole new clothes made for the empress / Find me where they won't recognize the biometrics / Piece it together then disappear like tetris / Underlying bias / like standing on the shoulders of giants / Believing it was your own triumphs / Not reliance on mythical pseudoscience / And a dash of lucky timin(g)s / Defining the value were deriving / Maybe you understand why demure is left behind then / If you ain't heard of me, / guess this is where others talk precision like surgery But I'm more in your face b&e burglary / and bad doc murdery / Did I do it? Certainly / In the op room not the doc dude I'm the circus freak
2024.05.18 13:13 figure_sk8 Safe House (GMMTV) Day 2, Part 2/2 Summary/Rough Translation [Potential Spoilers]
Hi everyone,
Here's the summary/outline for the second half of Day 2 of Safe House. Sorry again for the length; they did a lot of talking-based activities today, and I wanted to try to translate and explain a good portion of it for you all. Hope this helps!
Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/live/GkCLXss5hHI?feature=shared
submitted by figure_sk8 to ThaiBL [link] [comments]
Here's the summary/outline for the second half of Day 2 of Safe House. Sorry again for the length; they did a lot of talking-based activities today, and I wanted to try to translate and explain a good portion of it for you all. Hope this helps!
Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/live/GkCLXss5hHI?feature=shared
- They're relaxing and playing Uno when we join them
- 15:30 PD asks Earth to go collect some snacks from the front door (sponsored by Snack Jack)
- 18:30 Earth starts reading the directions for the next medal game (also sponsored by Snack Jack. King of the Day divides everyone into two teams of 4. Each team in charge of "protecting" one flavour of Snack Jack. One person from Team A will sit blindfolded and try to protect the Snack Jack while all members of Team B will have two minutes to try to retrieve the Snack Jack while wearing bells on their bodies to make their movements louder. The blindfolded person can order everyone in Team B to move and stop, and each time they call stop, they have the opportunity to make one shot with a water gun. If they successfully hit a member of Team B, that person is eliminated from the competition. If someone from Team B successfully retrieves one bag of Snack Jack, opens it, and eats one piece, then Team B wins. If this has not been completed within the two minutes, Team A wins. The person with the water gun can only shoot up to 10 times in total during the 2 minutes. The team positions will change and they will play again. If both teams successfully steal, the team that steals the soonest within the 2 minutes wins. Winners get one medal each
- 20:15 Luke decides to pick his team based on the three lowest-scoring people on the ranking board, hoping that he can help carry them to a victory and help them get one medal
- 23:00 They go to the play zone/pool area and start strategising. Team B will attempt to steal first, and Luke will be the blindfolded person from Team A. There's some brief confusion about which flavoucolour each team is supposed to protect and steal.
- 28:30 PD helps to go over the rules one more time and serves as the referee. Everyone on the stealing team needs to start by touching one of the walls of the room. Blindfolded person has to spin five times before the game begins.
- 31:30 Luke didn't know that the eliminated people have to go stand behind him, so he mistakenly shoots Mix, but it doesn't count
- 38:00 The next stealing team is strategising, and PD says that they have 15 more seconds to talk before they have to take their positions.
- 40:00 The protecting team's "cheering" is a bit suspicious. PD asks them to be quiet, but they don't listen
- 46:00 Dinner. Menu includes soy sauce chicken with rice, pad gaprao beef with dried chili, pork gyoza, and banoffee pie for desert (in the fridge). They decide to eat directly out of the containers so there will be fewer dishes to wash. As usual, there's some awkwardness at the beginning because everyone wants to eat, but they want to think of something to talk about so the audience don't get bored
- Dinner highlights: 55:00 They decide to exchange ghost stories tonight. Neo asks Luke if ghost stories is as much of a thing abroad as it is in Thailand. He says that he has one friend who has a personal ghost story that he can share: When Luke's friend was around 7, he was running around another friend's basement when he ran into an elderly woman doing some laundry. He later asked the parents of the house who that lady was, and they said that there's no one there, but they had an elderly maid years ago who died. So after that, the friend didn't like to go into basements anymore.
- 58:45 Earth asks why Western ghost stories always seem to take place in attics or basements
- 1:02:00 The guys ask if Luke has heard of the type of Thai ghost that wears old-style ceremonial clothing and does Thai traditional dance (considered very creepy).
- 1:06:00 They bring dessert to eat outside. They get inspired to start playing on the large floating rafts in the pool while still clothed, and PD warns them to at least take off their mic packs first if they're going to do that
- 1:14:30 They snack on some items from the seafood fridge, and then relax for a while in the area in front of the medal board. Pond gives some dance pointers.
- 1:26:00 Some English/Thai lessons. They discuss how the direct translation of the Thai term for "living room" means "room where you sit leisurely" (or if you translate it even more literally like how Luke does, it translates to "room where you sit down and play"). Neo struggles a bit and blames it on Luke "unclear pronunciation." Luke gives some sentences for Neo (then Earth and Gun) to translate to Thai
- 1:29:45 They think about what else to do, and they suggest several traditional Thai games, one of which is the "live fish/dead fish" that I explained previously. The topic of being blindfolded comes up, and they mention that when Luke was playing the Snack Jack game, he handled the water gun as if he were a cowboy. They start playing the live fish/dead fish game, but PD intervenes and invites them to come play the next medal game
- 1:38:30 Medal game (sponsored by the black inhalers). King of the Day will pair everyone up. Each pair will be tied together at the waist and hands, and all the pairs need to walk around the house together in order to try to find the two random mystery items somewhere around the house that have been scented with the peppermint scent of the black inhalers. The two pairs that find these two mystery items will get one medal each. Some of the pairs struggle a bit because they were smelling the inhalers too much at the beginning, so everything was smelling like peppermint to them.
- 1:51:30 Relaxing time
- 1:55:45 Since everyone is planning to take a shower, Pond is a bit lazy to shower, and he s that his says uncle once told him that if your heart/soul are clean, your body is automatically clean, so he might use that excuse. He wants to go downstairs to make a Thai omelette (a little extra salty), but since he didn't shower in the morning, he'll shower first and then go make food.
- 2:03:00 Small jam session in the larger bedroom
- 2:22:00 Pond and Phuwin wish a happy birthday to P'Golf if he's watching
- 2:26:00 They do a game/activity where you answer questions and then the book will interpret aspects of your personality based on your answers. Gun reads the questions and interpretations, and the rest of the guys choose which option they want from each question
- General statement: the answer choices are numbered 1-3 or 1-4. The numbers in Thai are 1=neung, 2=song, 3=saam, 4=see, so maybe you can hear which options each person is talking about when they're deciding which fits best with each person. Sometimes Gun also reads them as A, B, C, D.
- 2:27:00 Question 1: When you sing karaoke with your friends, what type of song do you choose?
- Rock: don't feel the need to overcompensate to express your uniqueness or individuality
- Current chart hits: (Gun didn't read it because no one chose it)
- Old songs: wants to be different/unique. You're a bit dramatic sometimes and sometimes it's like you're in a drama/lakhorn
- Don't like to karaoke: Really wants to be unique/different. You might not be good at singing, but for the things you're good at, you're so good that people around you will compliment you and grow your ego even further
- 2:33:45 Question 2: When you go to a roadside noodle stall, how long will you wait until you start to get a little impatient about the wait time? (as a qualifier, they make their decisions based on the assumption that the restaurant is not that crowded)
- 3 minutes: No one chose it, but Gun read that it means that you are a bit selfish and you prioritise your needs and feelings over others'
- 8 minutes: you have some patience (~50%). You can do a pretty decent job with enduring hardships and uncomfortable situations
- 12 minutes: patience level ~90%. You might have a hard time believing in yourself or standing up for yourself
- 2:37:30 Question 3: Close your eyes and imagine a bunch of flowers. What colour are these flowers? (at first, some of them didn't think of any of the listed options, or they thought of multiple colours). The guys made comments throughout this question that the interpretations were either not accurate, or that they seemed unnecessarily harsh. Hahaha. [also, this was quite a difficult question for me to translate because a lot of the words and concepts mentioned are quite specific in Thai and don't have direct/clean translations to English, but I tried to keep the translation as concise as possible, so I apologise]
- Red: You have a high level of confidence/pride (90%). You put your full effort into everything and want to demonstrate your abilities and power. However, your level of confidence might turn out to be a bit of a curse because others won't want to be close to you
- Purple: Confidence/pride 50%. You can think a little highly of yourself sometimes. You can hold grudges for a long time. You are probably talented in the arts.
- Yellow: Confidence/pride 40%. You can change your mind easily and quickly. You're a little idealistic. Stay humble, and your self-confidence will grow naturally with your achievements
- Blue: no one chose it
- 2:42:20 Question 4: Imagine a person in your head who you might want to go and get to know (they also comment throughout that some of these interpretations are harsh or inaccurate. Like the further along in the game they get, the worse they feel about themselves. But then they realise that the name of the book they're reading means "Why is your heart cruel?" and the moral of the book is that everyone has some non-ideal qualities, etc.)
- Colourful: no one chose it
- Clean/classic/neat: The person in your imagination doesn't get lonely easily. They can be stubborn and demanding.
- Trendy fashion: The person in your imagination likes to change to fit in with people around them. They get lonely easily
- Own individual style: The person in your imagination gets lonely only sometimes. They can be serious/intense and can pull some energy from those around them
- 2:47:40 Question 5: You're at a restaurant with a romantic partner, and you're both full. Someone brings a dessert for your romantic partner that happens to be a favourite dessert of yours. What does your partner do? (They found the question confusing, so they changed it to ask what they themselves would do. But then there was confusion about who was the person bringing the dessert, like if it's a potential romantic competitor or just the restaurant employee, etc. They never fully understood the question or agreed on the conditions of the hypothetical situation. It wasn't until Gun started reading the interpretations that they started to understand that the point of this question is basically to anticipate how likely you are to cheat in a relationship. It's not clear to anyone because the question isn't worded well, but they're interpreting it as if a potential romantic competitor handed a dessert to your romantic partner. If your partner eats it, then I suppose it means that they're not being faithful to you because eating the dessert means that they're showing the competitor that they have a chance? It's honestly a poorly worded question, and everyone was still confused at the end)
- Don't touch it at all
- Try it a little bit ("nit neung" in Thai so you guys can understand what they're discussing)
- Eat half of it
- Eat all of it
- 2:55:30 Neo reads Question 6: if you and a romantic partner are feeding animals, which animal would you both choose to feed?
- Snake: no one chose it
- Tiger: You do everything fully; if you want to do something, you do it. You might prefer romantic partners who are older than you
- Elephant: You are chill and easy-going. You hope that you can find someone supportive
- Monkey: You prefer to be friends first before becoming romantic partners
- 2:59:00 Question 7: If you're travelling out of town with someone you're romantically interested in, which method of travel do you choose? (it doesn't specify how far you're going)
- High-speed train: Your prospective partner wants you
- Train: no one chose it
- Car: You and your partner want to get to know each other better
- Plane: Your partner wants you to be more bold and wants to spend more time with you
- 3:02:00 Question 8: If you and a romantic partner are walking up a mountain to admire a view together, what view would you most want to see? (this question is more explicit than they're openly talking. They're basically talking about sexual preferences and making innuendoes, but censoring as they go)
- Sunrise
- Another mountain
- City scape
- A cloudy/foggy cover scene
- 3:06:00 Relaxing time. Pond still wants Thai omelette like he did before, so he and Phuwin go to the kitchen to make one.
- 3:15:30 Fan Talk
- Group 1 Highlights: Most of them stayed up late talking last night because they haven't seen each other in a while. Mix slept earliest and also woke up one of the earliest. Their throats are still sore from the chicken sounds competition from the morning. They playfully tease Luke about being King of the Day, like how it's easier for people in larger bodies to make louder sounds, and also that apparently American chickens sound weird. They mention how he was thoughtful to pick the three lowest-scoring people to be his team later so he could try to help them get a medal. They recapped the black inhaler game and said that the ones who smelled them too much before starting the game couldn't smell anything because the smell was lingering too strongly in their noses. Neo also talks about how the others pranked him to push him into the pool earlier. They're feeling increasingly more comfortable with each other, so they're looking forward to seeing how their relationships develop throughout the rest of the week. At around 3:22:00, Neo mentions that before, he thought Mix was quieter and "cooler" than how he's shown himself to actually be these two days. They are a bit surprised at Luke as well because he can switch between super playful moods and super serious moods when it's time for competition because he really wants to win. They all agree that Khaotung is the "dark horse" because he's more quiet and low-profile but he's one of the highest scorers. They enjoyed the Snack Jack game a lot, and around 3:26:00 they make fun of way Luke handled the water gun; it made them feel like they were in a thriller film. The second defending team tried to defend their "cheering" to help Earth when he was blindfolded
- Fan Comments: They wanted to hear Khaotung more. They ask about things they might have forgotten to bring, and Neo said that he brought only four pairs of underwear for the week. Khaotung admits that he was a fan of Gun's before joining GMMTV. Fans complimented Neo's humour and requested more jokes. Someone said that they looked like four cats, so they tried to synchronise their head movements to look like a group of cats. Fans said that Gun was cute with his childhood blanket.
- Group 2 Highlights (3:38:15): They made fun of Neo for not exercising with Luke, but he said that at least Neo woke up and went down, but he only exercised a little before giving up and going back to sleep. They agree that Neo is the life of the house, and the experience would probably be a lot less exciting or entertaining without him. Luke enjoyed being King of the Day, but he was a little frustrated that he and Earth didn't find the scented toilet paper in the black inhaler game because they walked past it but couldn't smell it. They all really enjoyed the Snack Jack game, and again, they said that Luke looked so cool and intense when he had the water gun. Luke learned that he always pointed the water gun correctly initially, but he kept second-guessing himself and moving his aim before shooting. They're all finding the house and the environment easy to adjust to, and they're all feeling happy. They're all playfully perplexed by how much energy Neo has, and they also agree that Khaotung is the dark horse. At 3:47:00, Pond and Earth bond over the fact that in all GMMTV competitions they've every participated in, they've always scored very lowly. Earth says partially jokingly that he has sometimes gone home and asks, "Am I just truly not good?" They have faith that Pond can perform well in any activity with a physical component (especially dancing), and Mix and Gun are probably best at activities that require cunningness/craftiness.
- 3:50:00 Fan comments: Luke tries to answer an English comment, and he successfully translates them to Thai. Luke and Phuwin give statements in English. People ask when they're going to finally play a full game of "live fish/dead fish." People make fun of Pond for being lazy to shower, and he reiterates the saying his uncle told him about having a clean heart/soul. They also address the comments asking for English subtitles. They say that Mix eats the most in the house, but he gains a lot of happiness from food. They hope that they'll have the ghost story session tonight.
- Group 1 Highlights: Most of them stayed up late talking last night because they haven't seen each other in a while. Mix slept earliest and also woke up one of the earliest. Their throats are still sore from the chicken sounds competition from the morning. They playfully tease Luke about being King of the Day, like how it's easier for people in larger bodies to make louder sounds, and also that apparently American chickens sound weird. They mention how he was thoughtful to pick the three lowest-scoring people to be his team later so he could try to help them get a medal. They recapped the black inhaler game and said that the ones who smelled them too much before starting the game couldn't smell anything because the smell was lingering too strongly in their noses. Neo also talks about how the others pranked him to push him into the pool earlier. They're feeling increasingly more comfortable with each other, so they're looking forward to seeing how their relationships develop throughout the rest of the week. At around 3:22:00, Neo mentions that before, he thought Mix was quieter and "cooler" than how he's shown himself to actually be these two days. They are a bit surprised at Luke as well because he can switch between super playful moods and super serious moods when it's time for competition because he really wants to win. They all agree that Khaotung is the "dark horse" because he's more quiet and low-profile but he's one of the highest scorers. They enjoyed the Snack Jack game a lot, and around 3:26:00 they make fun of way Luke handled the water gun; it made them feel like they were in a thriller film. The second defending team tried to defend their "cheering" to help Earth when he was blindfolded
- 3:58:00 Relaxing/leisure time. Gun and Khaotung are making crispy fried shredded imitation crab with truffle salt.
- 4:06:30 Pond, Neo, and Luke play darts. Phuwin joins later. Luke explains the rules to Khaotung.
- 4:19:00 Phuwin plays around a bit with a guitar. Others later join to sing a bit. Khaotung and Luke continue playing darts.
- 4:34:30 Gun and Earth play with one of the cameras. Neo joins.
- 4:42:00 Neo, Luke, Khaotung, Gun, and Earth play Uno [sorry, I don't know the rules]
- Gun and Phuwin make some noodles and share them with the guys around 5:09:00
- 5:13:00 Khaotung and Phuwin make a different type of instant noodle and discuss their preferred ways to prepare instant noodles
- 5:29:00 Ghost stories
- 5:30:00 Pond's story: A story of a friend of his. It takes place in a dormitory that is next to a temple. They keep interrupting him, so Pond keeps repeating the phrase "dormitory next to a temple" many times, which makes everyone laugh and continue interrupting him. Pond's friend was living with a roommate, and the roommate had to pray in the evenings. Pond's friend was on the top level of a bunk bed, but every night, he heard the roommate sit almost like they're praying, but they're always facing an empty chair like they're talking to someone. One day, the roommate asked Pond's friend if he could sleep on the upper bunk with him, and Pond's friend was confused but agreed. At night, Pond's friend heard a voice asking if the bedroom was full yet and whether another person could come sleep. (There's a belief in Thailand that if you hear voices talking to you in the night, you shouldn't reply to them or engage with them). They sat up and looked around, and there was no one else in the room who could have asked that. After that, Pond's friend wanted to move to a different room/dormitory.
- 5:34:30 Add-on to Pond's story; takes place in the same dormitory building. The guys jokingly ask if it was next to a temple before letting him continue. There was a small room/passageway inside that they believed was a passageway for ghosts. Every day at 02:00, people will hear knocking sounds and sometimes door slamming from that area. These sounds even continued when the students were mostly away at their homes. A few times, things were falling off of shelves. The remaining students investigated but couldn't find anything. In that room/area, there was a closet/wardrobe with a mirror next to the bathroom. In the mirror, they could see a woman sitting hunched over in the bathroom, but they couldn't see anything when they turned to look directly in the bathroom.
- 5:39:00 Earth's story. Earth tells Mix to tell it instead because he's better at storytelling. Once Mix was at the house of a friend of his (implied to be Earth's house). He was showering upstairs, when he heard someone opening and closing a door. He later asked the owner of the house, and they said that they never went upstairs because they were sleeping downstairs. Mix demonstrates the walkway to enter the bathroom/powder room, and how when you can see the mirror immediately upon opening the door. One time, Mix opened the door and saw a man standing. At 5:41:50, PD pranks them by playing a loud slamming noise to scare them. Mix continues the story: The man he saw walked straight into the area outside of the bathroom and disappeared into some of the furniture.
- 5:43:20: Add-on to Earth/Mix's story. A different day, someone came to collect Mix at the house. The person who came to collect Mix at the house saw someone standing by the front of the house when they arrived, but at that time, Mix and the owner of the house were still sleeping inside. Quick additional story: Mix was in the bathroom once, when he heard someone trying to forcibly enter the bathroom. He opened the door and saw nothing.
- 5:45:30 Earth's story: He went with a friend on a vacation where they stayed in a two-bedroom bungalow that was made of wood, including the furniture. Earth was having trouble sleeping, and at one point, he heard some noises. He tried to sit up to investigate, but he couldn't move anything in his body. In his peripheral vision, he heard a woman (he's basically describing sleep paralysis). He starts praying a bit and slowly, his condition improves until the vision of the woman disappears and he's able to move.
- 5:49:00 Neo's story: He sets the story in his old school without saying the name, but he mentions so many descriptors like the location, history, etc., that everyone makes fun of him that it's clear which school it is already. He was staying in an athlete's dormitory. The badminton players used to have ghost storytelling sessions where they would talk about the ghost of that building. People would see a person in a white outfit on the stairs, specifically on the flight of stairs on the fifth level. (there are two sets of stairs, one on each short side of the building, and there's a small passageway where if you wanted to, you can pass to the opposite stairwell. This passageway was the haunted one on the fifth level, so people were afraid to look or walk though that area. Neo didn't believe the stories, but one time, during the regular evening dormitory inspections (around 22:00 every night), the inspector was passing by. Neo's bedroom was in a location where the walkway outside that section had a dead end, so you could only walk in one direction and then walk back the other direction in order to leave. Therefore, the boys always waited for the inspector to pass by the window twice before they knew that the coast was clear for them to continue talking, playing on their phones, etc. However, this time, the inspector only passed by the window once. The boys waited in silence for the second passing, but it never came, so eventually four of the boys decided to open the door and look for the inspector. They looked toward the end of the hallway where the person must be if they haven't walked back past the window again, but there was no one there, so everyone wondered who that must have been who walked past the window once and disappeared.
- 5:56:45 Mix's story: In his house outside of Bangkok, the structure used to be a small apartment building but got turned into a house. Mix's father bought it, split it in half, and rented out the other half. When Mix was younger, he was watching television with the room door ajar (his room was next to the head of the stairs). The light from the TV could illuminate the area outside of the door. One day, outside his door, he saw an elderly lady dressed in a traditional dress of Northern Thailand. Mix followed her out onto the stairway until she disappeared. The next day, Mix told his father about it, and his father stoically told Mix that the previous owner of the house was an elderly lady who died by falling off the stairs and breaking her neck. Apparently in the other half of the house they were renting out, the tenants tended to not stay long before moving out. At one point, a friend of Mix's father rented the half of the house for a short lease, and the friend said that he kept hearing and/or seeing a male walking around the house, even though he lived alone.
- 6:02:00 Phuwin's story: he lives in a Chinese-style house, and this was during a Chinese festival. Phuwin's father lit some incense to pray around 16:00 (late afternoon). (usually incense sticks take a couple of hours to burn out). That night, a little after midnight, Phuwin's father felt like something wasn't right, so he went down to investigate. In Phuwin's house, people usually go upstairs around 22:00 and don't really come down for anything. Phuwin's father saw that the incense he lit >8 hours prior were still smoking, and as he looked at the incense, they caught in flame (incense are supposed to just smoke until they run out, not be actively on fire). So Phuwin's father thinks a ghost was warning him to come and put out the incense so the house wouldn't catch fire, but it was still very strange that the incense was burning/smoking for >8 hours.
- 6:05:00 Everyone says goodnight to the viewers
2024.05.18 11:05 dandelionity my parents are going to meet my trans boyfriend and they don't know
Hi, first time here. I'm sorry in advance for any mistakes in my writing, I'm spanish and my english skills are a little rusty lol
So I've (21F) been going on dates for 5 months with my current boyfriend (22M) but we only made it official a bit over a month ago. He's in the process of medically transitioning, he's on T and planning to get a mastectomy, but he's still saving up for that.
My family is a bit conservative and because of that I decided to not tell them anything so far. I've known I'm bisexual since I was 13 but I never told them because I didn't absolutely need to. They're not actively homophobic or anything but I've heard my mom say some homophobic comments about gays being "too open about their sexuality" and that "god created adam and eve" and that sort of things. Still, she's not against gay marriage or anything, and I'm sure she would eventually be okay with me being bisexual, I just never felt the need to tell her.
The thing is, some years ago I had a trans friend (ftm) and I made the mistake to tell my mom that he is trans. The moment I told her, she suddenly started confusing his pronouns, sometimes using she/her. And because in spanish every adjective is gendered, it was not just about pronouns... My mom never actually saw my friend in person, so she had no reason to confuse him with a girl by any means, it just seemed like the word "trans" made his gender less serious. I got mad at her when she misgendered him, and she sometimes corrected herself, but it kept happening. It seemed like she didn't actually believe he was a man. And this was just a friend I would hang out with sometimes.
I didn't plan on telling my mom (or anyone in my family) about my boyfriend being trans because of that. However, because my bf only started medically transitioning recently, he still gets misgendered by many people, in his workplace, in the street, by his mom, many places we go, he's perceived as a girl at times. Because of that, I'm really scared to bring him to my house and him meeting my family. I've shown them photos of him and there was no problem, they didn't perceive him as a girl. But I'm still scared that when they see him in person they will view him as a woman. And they will be quite confused.
I would rather wait until he's further into his transition, but the thing is my graduation is coming up very soon. I met my bf in uni so we're graduating together. My family will be there too and I guess them meeting at some point is bound to happen? Maybe nothing will happen, or maybe they see him and don't think anything of it (other than being surprised because he's quite short). But they might be very confused about his appearance and I don't want them to ask him uncomfortable questions. Or maybe they'll flat out perceive him as a girl and ask me why I didn't tell them and make a big deal out of it. Anything could happen.
So this is why I'm considering telling them in advance. After all I think it is very likely they will eventually know, unless we wait years for them to meet him (so he's finished his transition). But I don't know how to approach it. My parents are not bad tempered, but my mom is quite close minded - she already didn't like it when I dated a foreigner. I'm scared she will no longer see him as a man when I tell her he's trans, and that she'll keep misgendering him.
Besides, if she sees him as a girl, I would eventually need to come out as bisexual for them to understand, I guess? But I don't want this to be the reason why I come out. For all they know, I'm straight and they should respect the boy I am dating.
submitted by dandelionity to mypartneristrans [link] [comments]
So I've (21F) been going on dates for 5 months with my current boyfriend (22M) but we only made it official a bit over a month ago. He's in the process of medically transitioning, he's on T and planning to get a mastectomy, but he's still saving up for that.
My family is a bit conservative and because of that I decided to not tell them anything so far. I've known I'm bisexual since I was 13 but I never told them because I didn't absolutely need to. They're not actively homophobic or anything but I've heard my mom say some homophobic comments about gays being "too open about their sexuality" and that "god created adam and eve" and that sort of things. Still, she's not against gay marriage or anything, and I'm sure she would eventually be okay with me being bisexual, I just never felt the need to tell her.
The thing is, some years ago I had a trans friend (ftm) and I made the mistake to tell my mom that he is trans. The moment I told her, she suddenly started confusing his pronouns, sometimes using she/her. And because in spanish every adjective is gendered, it was not just about pronouns... My mom never actually saw my friend in person, so she had no reason to confuse him with a girl by any means, it just seemed like the word "trans" made his gender less serious. I got mad at her when she misgendered him, and she sometimes corrected herself, but it kept happening. It seemed like she didn't actually believe he was a man. And this was just a friend I would hang out with sometimes.
I didn't plan on telling my mom (or anyone in my family) about my boyfriend being trans because of that. However, because my bf only started medically transitioning recently, he still gets misgendered by many people, in his workplace, in the street, by his mom, many places we go, he's perceived as a girl at times. Because of that, I'm really scared to bring him to my house and him meeting my family. I've shown them photos of him and there was no problem, they didn't perceive him as a girl. But I'm still scared that when they see him in person they will view him as a woman. And they will be quite confused.
I would rather wait until he's further into his transition, but the thing is my graduation is coming up very soon. I met my bf in uni so we're graduating together. My family will be there too and I guess them meeting at some point is bound to happen? Maybe nothing will happen, or maybe they see him and don't think anything of it (other than being surprised because he's quite short). But they might be very confused about his appearance and I don't want them to ask him uncomfortable questions. Or maybe they'll flat out perceive him as a girl and ask me why I didn't tell them and make a big deal out of it. Anything could happen.
So this is why I'm considering telling them in advance. After all I think it is very likely they will eventually know, unless we wait years for them to meet him (so he's finished his transition). But I don't know how to approach it. My parents are not bad tempered, but my mom is quite close minded - she already didn't like it when I dated a foreigner. I'm scared she will no longer see him as a man when I tell her he's trans, and that she'll keep misgendering him.
Besides, if she sees him as a girl, I would eventually need to come out as bisexual for them to understand, I guess? But I don't want this to be the reason why I come out. For all they know, I'm straight and they should respect the boy I am dating.
2024.05.18 09:24 Arleanna8216 ENTP? INTJ? Other? Type me.
Uncertain of type but probably an ENTP or INTJ.
As a kid, i typed as INTP, but im not sure how i feel about that niw & my results didnt match it this time very closely at all.
I wrote a book below, and included a screenshot comparing the 2 most likely.
•How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.
I am a female in my 20's. Ive tended to be more bookish than nerdy, but tomboyish as well and into physical hobbies.
•Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
ADHD & probably some emotional trauma/possible BPD
•Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
I questioned and pushed every rule & boundary set to me. "But i dont care if my roomnis clean, only you care!" My first word was probably why.
•What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I like the good relationships I have at work, since i dont have many other people who have to interact with me regularly. I like when i have a chance to use my creative problem solving skills. I also like challenging myself to keep on top of tasks, since it's a major weakness if mine.
•If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
Id be okay but a little dull and numb. Id probably clean stuff while listening to audiobooks on trauma recovery or people skills.
•What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
I like rock climbing and dance. Challenging physically & mentally but with a social element. I had a very defeatist "someone else will do a better job" for team sports, but i was decent when i could convince myself to try.
•How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
Im curious about the brain and why people think the things they do froma behavioulearning perspective. Psychology. Genetics. Why things are the way they are, and how they fit together. Predicting future outcomes based on current & past knowledge.
•Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
Id enjoy it, but i would be too controlling. I would have a hard time making people feel heard, and not just challenged or overruled by what i think is best.
•Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
I learn physical things quite quickly, i think because i understand how things work. But i am prone to knock things over.
•Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
I have done some creative writing, and i did enjoy ut. It was cool to let my ideas all spill out and go where they would. Im not visually very artistic, more with words.
•What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
The past teaches lessons that can be flexibly applied to the present. The future is something that we shape by current decisions, but that can also be sort of hard to plan for since so many things are changeable. Make the best choices you can in every moment, make sure ut lines up with long term goals, and hope for the best.
•How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
I like to help. I also typically immediately assess whether they could have done it themself to see if theyre trying to take advantage of me/be lazy, or whether they really need help. But ill usually say yes. But i nay ask you why you need help with it.
•Do you need logical consistency in your life?
Idont know how to answer this. I guess i need things to make sense but the sense can be complex & grey-toned.
•How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
Fairly. I definitely am hard on myself when i frequently fail at this so i spend a decent amount of time thinking about it.
•Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
So. Damn. Much. I tell people when i think theyre wrong of doingvthe wrong thing so they can see their blind spots and make different choices. I try to avoid negative reactions from others by behaving how j think will get the response i want.
•What do the "highs" in your life look like?
Social, bubbly, spontaneous, making things happen, discussing peoples issues deeply & helping them understand themselves, doing things for others, spending time with family, coming to realizations about myself, implementing major improvements with my habits, sarcastic banter but without offense, minimal internet use
•What do the "lows" in your life look like?
Struggle to socially engage without shutting down due to anxiety over sayjng the wrong thing, wondering if people want me there, getting overly defensive or critical, not feeling anything, messy house, procrastination, being late everywhere, overeating or use of social media, feeling like i mess everything up, that my feelings and thoughts are wrong, lashing out at people for perceived criticisms towards me, very little tolerance for failing (ie screaming at losing a video game), obsessed with what people think of me.
•Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
How my childhood has impacted my current way of thinking. What thought patterns are or arent healthy. What i might be doing right or wrong in my interactions with others. What they might need from me. If my actions align with my values.
•How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
Forever, and yes ill change my mind again after if i think it was the wrong one.
•How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
I only just began to be aware of my emotions. I could usually tell you why i did something, but not how i felt about it.
•Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
Yes, when ive given up on being understood.
•Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
I struggle to do anything that i dont personally fully subscribe to. That being said, people who go through red lights after stopping when its like 2am are total heathens and i would never.
I will challenge authority. I dont like breaking rules explicitly, but i will find a loophole if there is one. Like at that red light i might make a right turn... then a uturn, then another right turn to avoid a red light.
submitted by Arleanna8216 to MbtiTypeMe [link] [comments]
As a kid, i typed as INTP, but im not sure how i feel about that niw & my results didnt match it this time very closely at all.
I wrote a book below, and included a screenshot comparing the 2 most likely.
•How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.
I am a female in my 20's. Ive tended to be more bookish than nerdy, but tomboyish as well and into physical hobbies.
•Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
ADHD & probably some emotional trauma/possible BPD
•Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
I questioned and pushed every rule & boundary set to me. "But i dont care if my roomnis clean, only you care!" My first word was probably why.
•What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I like the good relationships I have at work, since i dont have many other people who have to interact with me regularly. I like when i have a chance to use my creative problem solving skills. I also like challenging myself to keep on top of tasks, since it's a major weakness if mine.
•If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
Id be okay but a little dull and numb. Id probably clean stuff while listening to audiobooks on trauma recovery or people skills.
•What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
I like rock climbing and dance. Challenging physically & mentally but with a social element. I had a very defeatist "someone else will do a better job" for team sports, but i was decent when i could convince myself to try.
•How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
Im curious about the brain and why people think the things they do froma behavioulearning perspective. Psychology. Genetics. Why things are the way they are, and how they fit together. Predicting future outcomes based on current & past knowledge.
•Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
Id enjoy it, but i would be too controlling. I would have a hard time making people feel heard, and not just challenged or overruled by what i think is best.
•Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
I learn physical things quite quickly, i think because i understand how things work. But i am prone to knock things over.
•Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
I have done some creative writing, and i did enjoy ut. It was cool to let my ideas all spill out and go where they would. Im not visually very artistic, more with words.
•What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
The past teaches lessons that can be flexibly applied to the present. The future is something that we shape by current decisions, but that can also be sort of hard to plan for since so many things are changeable. Make the best choices you can in every moment, make sure ut lines up with long term goals, and hope for the best.
•How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
I like to help. I also typically immediately assess whether they could have done it themself to see if theyre trying to take advantage of me/be lazy, or whether they really need help. But ill usually say yes. But i nay ask you why you need help with it.
•Do you need logical consistency in your life?
Idont know how to answer this. I guess i need things to make sense but the sense can be complex & grey-toned.
•How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
Fairly. I definitely am hard on myself when i frequently fail at this so i spend a decent amount of time thinking about it.
•Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
So. Damn. Much. I tell people when i think theyre wrong of doingvthe wrong thing so they can see their blind spots and make different choices. I try to avoid negative reactions from others by behaving how j think will get the response i want.
•What do the "highs" in your life look like?
Social, bubbly, spontaneous, making things happen, discussing peoples issues deeply & helping them understand themselves, doing things for others, spending time with family, coming to realizations about myself, implementing major improvements with my habits, sarcastic banter but without offense, minimal internet use
•What do the "lows" in your life look like?
Struggle to socially engage without shutting down due to anxiety over sayjng the wrong thing, wondering if people want me there, getting overly defensive or critical, not feeling anything, messy house, procrastination, being late everywhere, overeating or use of social media, feeling like i mess everything up, that my feelings and thoughts are wrong, lashing out at people for perceived criticisms towards me, very little tolerance for failing (ie screaming at losing a video game), obsessed with what people think of me.
•Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
How my childhood has impacted my current way of thinking. What thought patterns are or arent healthy. What i might be doing right or wrong in my interactions with others. What they might need from me. If my actions align with my values.
•How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
Forever, and yes ill change my mind again after if i think it was the wrong one.
•How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
I only just began to be aware of my emotions. I could usually tell you why i did something, but not how i felt about it.
•Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
Yes, when ive given up on being understood.
•Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
I struggle to do anything that i dont personally fully subscribe to. That being said, people who go through red lights after stopping when its like 2am are total heathens and i would never.
I will challenge authority. I dont like breaking rules explicitly, but i will find a loophole if there is one. Like at that red light i might make a right turn... then a uturn, then another right turn to avoid a red light.
2024.05.18 09:11 MrBruceMan123 Im actively making the choice to put love/romance on the back burner, in the back pocket, on the shelf
Im at 28 year old guy, was with somebody from 18 to 25, was engaged for 4 years if that, saving for a house, lived together the whole time. It was young love, we were trying our best, we both made mistakes and both learned a lot. She disrespected me in much larger ways that I did with her and foolishly I tried ti fix things instead of treating myself with enough self respect to leave. She broke things off with me in the end. Lots of lessons learned.
2 years later I met somebody else through hinge, we dated for 1.5 months it was going amazingly and it felt mutual, randomly one evening she pulled away and cut things off leaving it on “for now” and leaving me with all the what if questions and with no real closure. Since then I have reached out about a month later as I had a question in my mind and having it there was serving me no good so for my own peace I had to send it, it was fairly simple, we watched the first 2 deadpools in anticipation and plans to see the 3rd so I simply asked if she would like to see that with me in July as old friends type of thing. She responded saying she needed to think about it and that she had no words.
A 3 or 4 days have now gone by and I feel as though im done with her now, if there were to be a friendship I dont feel as though it would take this long to reply. If somebody wants you in their life it doesnt take long to reply to a fairly simple question like that. So im at a point of fully moving past what I once shared with her and the interest in a friendship dies more every day.
Ive come to realise that my want for romance/love has been more of a burden than anything in life and as much as I would like to have that part in my life it is without a doubt holding me back, now that ive shifted the focus onto myself ive started looking and emailing new career opportunities in a different industry that may require me to move which is very exciting.
After both of these splits I have done a lot of healing with therapy and working through parts of my past. i feel finally like I have made it through the mud, im more relaxed and at peace than ever despite also having a really busy head. It feels good snd confusing right now probably due to it not being familiar to me. With time this calmness will become normal and I wont be so panicked about it im sure!
So im focusing on myself 100%, ive just deleted all of my dating app profiles and the apps, im going to start a new career at some point once the right one comes my way, im going to work hard and clear my debts and just put everything into myself.
Im sure ill try love and romance again someday but for this current time is time to leave it alone, it wont help me right now.
Dont be sad for me by the way, this is just how life has unfolded for me, I love whole heartedly, I see the best in people and dont like letting people go, I give them my all and in some ways thats amazing but sadly it can come with a lot of pain and in a weird way its quite nice knowing I dont have to worry about any of that pain while I focus on myself!
submitted by MrBruceMan123 to love [link] [comments]
2 years later I met somebody else through hinge, we dated for 1.5 months it was going amazingly and it felt mutual, randomly one evening she pulled away and cut things off leaving it on “for now” and leaving me with all the what if questions and with no real closure. Since then I have reached out about a month later as I had a question in my mind and having it there was serving me no good so for my own peace I had to send it, it was fairly simple, we watched the first 2 deadpools in anticipation and plans to see the 3rd so I simply asked if she would like to see that with me in July as old friends type of thing. She responded saying she needed to think about it and that she had no words.
A 3 or 4 days have now gone by and I feel as though im done with her now, if there were to be a friendship I dont feel as though it would take this long to reply. If somebody wants you in their life it doesnt take long to reply to a fairly simple question like that. So im at a point of fully moving past what I once shared with her and the interest in a friendship dies more every day.
Ive come to realise that my want for romance/love has been more of a burden than anything in life and as much as I would like to have that part in my life it is without a doubt holding me back, now that ive shifted the focus onto myself ive started looking and emailing new career opportunities in a different industry that may require me to move which is very exciting.
After both of these splits I have done a lot of healing with therapy and working through parts of my past. i feel finally like I have made it through the mud, im more relaxed and at peace than ever despite also having a really busy head. It feels good snd confusing right now probably due to it not being familiar to me. With time this calmness will become normal and I wont be so panicked about it im sure!
So im focusing on myself 100%, ive just deleted all of my dating app profiles and the apps, im going to start a new career at some point once the right one comes my way, im going to work hard and clear my debts and just put everything into myself.
Im sure ill try love and romance again someday but for this current time is time to leave it alone, it wont help me right now.
Dont be sad for me by the way, this is just how life has unfolded for me, I love whole heartedly, I see the best in people and dont like letting people go, I give them my all and in some ways thats amazing but sadly it can come with a lot of pain and in a weird way its quite nice knowing I dont have to worry about any of that pain while I focus on myself!
2024.05.18 09:01 SharkEva AITAH For breaking my Number 1 sex rule with a handicapped guy?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Throwra_JessComeOn posting in AITAH
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 17th April 2024
Update1 - 19th April 2024
Update2 - 13th May 2024
AITAH For breaking my Number 1 sex rule with a handicapped guy?
Obviously throwaway, I don’t need anyone here seeing my regular account. Also I’m in the US and English is my first language, any discrepancies are because I suck at typing on my phone.
So TL/DR for the “give me the bare bones, I don’t have all day to read on the shitter” crew: My #1 sex rule since high school has been no sex before the third date. I recently broke that rule with a handicapped guy, and now my childhood best friend is pissed and grossed out because she thinks I have some weird kind of fetish.
Context/full story: I’m a 28f. My childhood best friend we’ll call Jess is also 28f. To put it simply, I don’t think I’m any kind of prude, I just don’t really feel comfortable with casual sex, never have. My best friend knows this and has teased me about it lightly in the past. She’s been in a long term relationship for the last 3 years, I’ve mostly been single while working on my degree and starting my career. Jess lives in another state with her boyfriend, so we don’t hang out much anymore.
So about a month ago I had a first date with a guy I’d been talking to for a bit, thought it was going places, but he gave a WEIRD vibe on the date and I cut and ran early. On my way home I stopped at a local pub, figured I’d have a drink to unwind and people watch till it wore off. (Tipsy driving is still drunk driving IMO.) I get there and it’s pretty packed, Friday night and all, and there was no seating room at the bar. Took my drink and looked around, most of the “restaurant” side of the pub was someone’s birthday party, but there was a small table with a seat open off to the side, with a guy reading a book there. So I say eff it, I’m a social person and what’s the worst thing that happens, he says no? So I ask if I can sit there for a bit, I promise we don’t have to talk or anything.
At this point I feel like I’ve fucked up because this guy up close is the hottest man I have ever seen. But he just smiled at me and gave an enthusiastic “Sure!” A few minutes later of me sipping in silence and he says “I don’t mind talking, if you want to.” (Yeah I want to are you kidding me right now?) We talk for a bit and it turns out Mike (fake name) is 29, just finished his master’s degree in some kind of computer learning field (“I program computers to program computers”) and he’s living on his own for the first time. He apparently stops by the pub after work because he’s right around the corner, and he’s not used to the silence yet after living so long with a half dozen siblings.
We talked for a good two hours, about everything from dating (which he said he’s basically given up on) to hobbies and tastes, and we have a near total eclipse of a venn diagram on this stuff. I eventually sort of blurted out that I don’t know why he’d give up on dating, this is the closest thing I’ve had to a good date in forever. (Shooting my shot obliquely here lol.) He gets kind of an odd look on his face and says “Tell you what, I have to go to the bathroom, but when I come back I’ll ask you out for real.” Weird, but okay?
Then it all clicks, because he doesn’t get up to walk away, he just rolls. In his wheelchair. And I’m thinking “oh my God he wanted to give me a chance to back out of this without making it awkward how cute can this guy BE.” He grinned like crazy when he got back and saw I was still there, and I basically tripped over myself saying something to the effect of “So I’m free all weekend, what did you have in mind?”
Another hour later, we’ve got plans for Saturday, and he told me he has a neuromuscular disorder I can’t remember the name of (my degree isn’t in STEM lol) so his legs work, but the signals from his brain get misinterpreted so he doesn’t have the balance or coordination for walking or standing. The pub starts switching over to the youngerowdier crowd and he asks if I’d like to go back to his place for coffee to continue our conversation.
As you have probably long since realized, I did not get any coffee or conversation till the next morning and I have ZERO regrets. We’ve been dating since and I know it’s still early but I really feel like this might be the one.
Onward to yesterday afternoon, my friend Jess (remember Jess?) is in town, and we go out for coffee to catch up on things. I’m gushing about Mike, but when I get to how we met she just sort of got weird and edgy. I don’t remember any exact words but she essentially said that I must have a fetish for the handicapped since I broke my #1 rule and it’s the best physical relationship I’ve ever been in. Like it’s good for me because he uses a wheelchair, not because the guy puts in effort in bed??? She said I’ve “changed” as a person and left without even saying goodbye. 15 years of friendship and I’ve never seen her like that.
So here I am, asking the most objective people online (haha) if I’m an asshole or weird for being super attracted to a guy who uses a wheelchair and basically putting out immediately.
Comments
RefrigeratorHot3859
Firstly, you are allowed to change the rules that you made for yourself. Secondly, I do not get from anything you wrote that you have a “fetish” for the handicapped. Her comments are weird.
Sounds like you need to keep Mike and drop Jess. Good friends will be happy for you, and from what I can gather, that ain’t her.
dubh_righ
She's got a weird fetish - for super hot guys who are kind, and well spoken, and fuck like a hero. What a weirdo. (sarcasm, in case it's not obvious)
brelywi
Hey that’s my fetish too! Here I was thinking I was the only one.
ShottsSeastone
oh fuck that friend. i read this whole thing.
Update - 2 days later
My first ever update! Yay! Uh, so if you were hoping for some terrible drama, I hate to break it to you that I don’t roll like that. No pun intended. So I do have an update on Jess and shit finally makes perfect sense. And I have a slightly NSFW but funny story about Mike, because this guy is just the best, y’all.
Okay, so first, I finally messaged Jess yesterday and said basically “I’m still hurt by what you said, but after 15 years of friendship I’d never forgive musif I didn’t at least ask why you snapped at me like that.” She replied immediately, “I’m so fucking sorry, I didn’t mean any of that, can we have a do over on lunch?” So I agreed cautiously and took a half day to meet with her today.
Turns out that those of you who said she was jealous, and that she might have something else going on, and especially the person who said something might be going on in HER relationship….. gold stars. She’s in town because she’s job hunting, because she’s moving back in with her parents for a while since her relationship ended. Apparently they have been having a ton of small problems adding up, but the biggest one? Sex. The guy she’s been with was apparently never great but it’s gotten to the point where he makes no effort at all for her to enjoy herself and then gets pissed when she isn’t in the mood.
She tried talking with him about it, making suggestions but he told her recently that it’s “emasculating” being given sex advice by a woman. The straw that broke the metaphorical camel’s back, however, was that her boyfriend has always had a thing for Asian women. She’s caucasian, but she does have long black hair. After weeks of fighting over their sex life, he suggested that they spice things up….by her dressing in a kimono and pretending to be Asian. She lost it on him and is absolutely disgusted by the racist fetishism and ended it right then.
So she had allllll of this bottled up and was hoping to talk to me and finally be able to put it down….. and I missed every hint that she had something big to discuss because I was gushing about Mike. So to her it felt like I was just twisting the knife by bragging about how great our sex was. She snapped, and somewhere between what I was saying and what she wanted to talk about some wires got crossed and she said something incredibly dumb.
She left without saying goodbye because she was mortified and ashamed as well as irrationally mad at me. Something to know about Jess, she’s an awful liar and she and I were the co-founders of our high school’s “foot-in-mouth” society, so I do believe her. I told her I forgive her and I’m sorry I didn’t realize she wanted to talk about something bothering her, and she said I was too stupidly nice and have nothing to apologize for, so I think we’ll be okay. For the time being I’m not ready for her and Mike to meet, because I don’t want to make things feel worse, and she agrees. But she’s really really happy for me. Hopefully this is just a funny story we can look back on someday.
So, on to how Mike almost killed me, lol. Last night we were talking about the reddit post and he gets this funny expression that I’m starting to recognize. And he goes “How do we know you don’t have a fetish if we haven’t at least tried it in the chair?” And I’m like “are you serious lol”. He said he’s never attempted it, because (cue tears) he’s never felt so comfortable with a partner before. Well.
His chair has what is essentially like a parking break thing. Or it should, it’s unfortunately broken and apparently getting them fixed is an expensive pain in the ass. He doesn’t use it that often so he hasn’t made it a priority. And there’s this thing called Newton’s third law, you know how every action has an equal and opposite reaction? As it happens, when you’re trying to, ah, get the motion of the ocean going, in a chair with wheels that aren’t locked, there’s a sort of counter motion that starts and fucks it all up. So we were going nowhere fast except for inching along the floor in his bedroom. And laughing at the silliness, which isn’t helping. Eventually he just stops and says “Maybe we can get some of those wooden block things they use to keep little planes from rolling away, like in Indiana Jones you know?”
I absolutely lost it. Like laughing so hard I’m in tears, he’s giggling half at the situation and half at my reaction, and everything just keeps setting me off again. FINALLY I get it under control, doing some deep breathing exercises and shit, and I look at him again. And he pulls the straightest face he can, and says, for the love of god, “Golly. This sure is uncomfortable.” Folks if I had asthma I would have fucking died right there. I laughed so hard I think I pulled a rib. Like wheezing and not even laughing anymore so much as weeping and making this awful “heeeeee” noise when I could catch my breath. While he’s laughing and rubbing my back and saying he’s sorry, he couldn’t resist.
So yeah, confirmed, no fetish here, and this magnificent bastard’s comedic timing might actually kill me.
I doubt I’ll update again, because there’s really nothing I can see needing to share given everything sort of worked out. And in the end, the real assholes were the….friends we made along the way? Idk. Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post and for coming along with me on this absurd but brief drama in my life, lol.
Comments
Rustymarble
Obviously, Jess needs to have a twin with a mother-in-law invade her home with ummm....dog poo...and somehow there's a tree dropping leaves and and a 7 year old brat threw an ummm...apple? And then the cops came and everyone clapps!
Forward-Two3846
I think Mike updates are essential to AITAH 😆. I am so excited for you and I hope you have the time of your life.
Update - 1 month later
Hello again! I was going to post this on my own page but a few people mentioned that they think it’s nice to read on AITAH, so fuck it, here’s the “met Mikes family” update. And it's a doozy, or at least felt like it at the time for a girl who grew up with a small, dysfunctional family.
So first up, you know what people (at least me) don’t think about when dating a guy who’s always sitting? Height. I know he’s taller than me because we cuddle a lot, and he’s taller sitting on the couch, but I didn’t reeeeeeally get it. So we drive up Friday night after work (actually south and west, lol, but to my brain it’s always up) in his vehicle, which is modified to be driven entirely using his hands. Neat, right? He’s a really good driver too. One more green flag. We get to the house, and it’s…. It’s huge you guys, LOL like not a mansion, just kind of a sprawling one floor rancher. Real estate was wild back in the day.
Anyway we get out, and I meet his mom. I’d like to point out I am no slouch, I’m 5’-friggin-7. His mom is TOWERING over me. But she was the nicest lady ever. We go inside and I meet his dad (who funny enough is apparently the only short one in this family) and his youngest sister, who is living there with his one year old niece. She gets up to hug me and SHE IS ALSO REALLY TALL. It’s already a bit late then, so we eat and head to bed, I get to see his cute as shit room from when he was a teenager, and I casually ask “hey, so uh, I don’t know how this works and stuff, but how tall are you?” and Mike is all “I dunno, like a bit over 6’4? Been a while since I checked.” A BIT OVER 6’4. “So, is everyone in your family tall?” “…..kinda?”
We met the Nordic Basketball team he calls a family properly the next day. (Actually they’re Irish, but they’re blond and tall so it conveys the idea better.) The ONLY one of reasonable height, and still taller than me, was his oldest sister, lol.
They are also LOUD. Like not really shouting or anything usually, just, PRESENT. Mike is a lot different around them, but in the cutest way, like he just beams all the time and you can see how happy he is to be home. One of his brothers put him in a headlock and gave him a dang NOOGIE as a greeting, and got elbowed in the side for it, and all of them laughing. And his mom smacked one of his brothers with a rolled up magazine for putting his feet on the table. More laughing. Just… intimidating but in the happiest way imaginable. I’ll admit I was a little shut down for a bit, but Mike kept checking in with me to make sure I was okay, and they were all really nice, so I got into the spirit after a bit.
I mentioned this in another comment, but Mike has a special sports wheelchair he uses for, well, sports. And he and his siblings play basketball. And he is GOOD. Apart from just having a hell of an arm, he’s quick as hell. And this magnificent bastard that I love will absolutely, purposefully, GLEEFULLY run someone’s toes over. He AIMS for it. They all have this yank-back-the-foot maneuver that’s hysterical to watch.
So it was this crazy day of loud people playing and having a blast, nieces and nephews running around, and just noise. My ears are still ringing. The food was catered in advance because his mom “had seven babies, all I make on mother’s day is margaritas.” They also have a pool, it’s a bit chilly still but the pool is HEATED so we actually all got to swim, which was a lot of fun because I got to show off that I too am athletic…. I can do a backwards somersault off a diving board! Yeah. I’m a real catch lol. They at least pretended to be impressed.
We all stayed up late drinking and bitching that it was too overcast to see the aurora (boo) and I had the worst hangover I’ve had in a while on Sunday. We slept in a bit late, and then joined Mike’s family for the BBQ part of the BBQ weekend. His dad can GRILL, people. And he’s fast, food coming off the grill at lightning speed. I asked Mike about it and he laughed and said “there was seven of us to feed. Ever see a nest of baby birds? He had practice.” Which, fair enough.
I don’t have much experience with babies, but I got to hold his youngest niece (the one living at home with his sis until her husband gets back from deployment) and we had a light talk about kids in the future. I told him that I never put much thought into it but if they were going to grow up in a happy home like his and not how I grew up, I’m pretty sure I’d be open to having them with him someday. But later. I need him all to myself for a while first. He seemed really really happy about that, which makes ME feel all goofy and happy. I’m sappy.
We had to drive home Sunday night, but before we went his mom hugged me and said she’s NEVER seen her son like this, and thanked me for taking good care of her baby. And asked if we’d be back for the 4th of July or if we were doing something with my family. And I tried to be all “haaaa no we’ll be here if you don’t mind, I don’t see them much” and I think she caught on that there’s more to the story so she just hugged the shit out of me (vikings, all of them I swear) and told me she can’t wait to see me again.
My ears are still ringing from all the noise and chaos, but it was an absolute blast and I can’t wait to see them again in July. Also, pretty much sure Mike is the man I’m going to marry. I literally can’t think of a single reason why I would ever let him get away.
Anyway thanks for reading, hope you all had a lovely weekend, and those of you who got to see the aurora I’m happy for you but you suck, lol.
Comments
ERVetSurgeon
NTA. sounds like you have found a happy family to join. Good for you and good for Mike.
This story is so heart warming it belongs on BestofRedditorUpdates.
Congratulations, at some parts I felt like I was reading about the Roarke Family's dynamics in one of Nora Robert's JD Robb's Eve Dallas Novels, the whole Irish family vibes were just there. So lovely.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 17th April 2024
Update1 - 19th April 2024
Update2 - 13th May 2024
AITAH For breaking my Number 1 sex rule with a handicapped guy?
Obviously throwaway, I don’t need anyone here seeing my regular account. Also I’m in the US and English is my first language, any discrepancies are because I suck at typing on my phone.
So TL/DR for the “give me the bare bones, I don’t have all day to read on the shitter” crew: My #1 sex rule since high school has been no sex before the third date. I recently broke that rule with a handicapped guy, and now my childhood best friend is pissed and grossed out because she thinks I have some weird kind of fetish.
Context/full story: I’m a 28f. My childhood best friend we’ll call Jess is also 28f. To put it simply, I don’t think I’m any kind of prude, I just don’t really feel comfortable with casual sex, never have. My best friend knows this and has teased me about it lightly in the past. She’s been in a long term relationship for the last 3 years, I’ve mostly been single while working on my degree and starting my career. Jess lives in another state with her boyfriend, so we don’t hang out much anymore.
So about a month ago I had a first date with a guy I’d been talking to for a bit, thought it was going places, but he gave a WEIRD vibe on the date and I cut and ran early. On my way home I stopped at a local pub, figured I’d have a drink to unwind and people watch till it wore off. (Tipsy driving is still drunk driving IMO.) I get there and it’s pretty packed, Friday night and all, and there was no seating room at the bar. Took my drink and looked around, most of the “restaurant” side of the pub was someone’s birthday party, but there was a small table with a seat open off to the side, with a guy reading a book there. So I say eff it, I’m a social person and what’s the worst thing that happens, he says no? So I ask if I can sit there for a bit, I promise we don’t have to talk or anything.
At this point I feel like I’ve fucked up because this guy up close is the hottest man I have ever seen. But he just smiled at me and gave an enthusiastic “Sure!” A few minutes later of me sipping in silence and he says “I don’t mind talking, if you want to.” (Yeah I want to are you kidding me right now?) We talk for a bit and it turns out Mike (fake name) is 29, just finished his master’s degree in some kind of computer learning field (“I program computers to program computers”) and he’s living on his own for the first time. He apparently stops by the pub after work because he’s right around the corner, and he’s not used to the silence yet after living so long with a half dozen siblings.
We talked for a good two hours, about everything from dating (which he said he’s basically given up on) to hobbies and tastes, and we have a near total eclipse of a venn diagram on this stuff. I eventually sort of blurted out that I don’t know why he’d give up on dating, this is the closest thing I’ve had to a good date in forever. (Shooting my shot obliquely here lol.) He gets kind of an odd look on his face and says “Tell you what, I have to go to the bathroom, but when I come back I’ll ask you out for real.” Weird, but okay?
Then it all clicks, because he doesn’t get up to walk away, he just rolls. In his wheelchair. And I’m thinking “oh my God he wanted to give me a chance to back out of this without making it awkward how cute can this guy BE.” He grinned like crazy when he got back and saw I was still there, and I basically tripped over myself saying something to the effect of “So I’m free all weekend, what did you have in mind?”
Another hour later, we’ve got plans for Saturday, and he told me he has a neuromuscular disorder I can’t remember the name of (my degree isn’t in STEM lol) so his legs work, but the signals from his brain get misinterpreted so he doesn’t have the balance or coordination for walking or standing. The pub starts switching over to the youngerowdier crowd and he asks if I’d like to go back to his place for coffee to continue our conversation.
As you have probably long since realized, I did not get any coffee or conversation till the next morning and I have ZERO regrets. We’ve been dating since and I know it’s still early but I really feel like this might be the one.
Onward to yesterday afternoon, my friend Jess (remember Jess?) is in town, and we go out for coffee to catch up on things. I’m gushing about Mike, but when I get to how we met she just sort of got weird and edgy. I don’t remember any exact words but she essentially said that I must have a fetish for the handicapped since I broke my #1 rule and it’s the best physical relationship I’ve ever been in. Like it’s good for me because he uses a wheelchair, not because the guy puts in effort in bed??? She said I’ve “changed” as a person and left without even saying goodbye. 15 years of friendship and I’ve never seen her like that.
So here I am, asking the most objective people online (haha) if I’m an asshole or weird for being super attracted to a guy who uses a wheelchair and basically putting out immediately.
Comments
RefrigeratorHot3859
Firstly, you are allowed to change the rules that you made for yourself. Secondly, I do not get from anything you wrote that you have a “fetish” for the handicapped. Her comments are weird.
Sounds like you need to keep Mike and drop Jess. Good friends will be happy for you, and from what I can gather, that ain’t her.
dubh_righ
She's got a weird fetish - for super hot guys who are kind, and well spoken, and fuck like a hero. What a weirdo. (sarcasm, in case it's not obvious)
OOP: Okay, yeah this made me laugh for real. Seriously, what a weeeeird fetish I have!
brelywi
Hey that’s my fetish too! Here I was thinking I was the only one.
ShottsSeastone
oh fuck that friend. i read this whole thing.
- you have 0 fetish.
- the guy is hot
- the guy is intelligent
- the guy lives on his own
- the guy has his shit together
- THE MAN GAVE YOU THE DOOR TO LEAVE
- Love comes in all shapes and sizes.
OOP: That shit floored me. He's so considerate in so many ways. His stories about his sibs are also hilarious, I can't wait to meet them. We're trying not to rush things just because it all seems so great, but they have a BBQ in May that he'd like me to come to and I am so there. He was raised around a lot of love and it shows.
Update - 2 days later
My first ever update! Yay! Uh, so if you were hoping for some terrible drama, I hate to break it to you that I don’t roll like that. No pun intended. So I do have an update on Jess and shit finally makes perfect sense. And I have a slightly NSFW but funny story about Mike, because this guy is just the best, y’all.
Okay, so first, I finally messaged Jess yesterday and said basically “I’m still hurt by what you said, but after 15 years of friendship I’d never forgive musif I didn’t at least ask why you snapped at me like that.” She replied immediately, “I’m so fucking sorry, I didn’t mean any of that, can we have a do over on lunch?” So I agreed cautiously and took a half day to meet with her today.
Turns out that those of you who said she was jealous, and that she might have something else going on, and especially the person who said something might be going on in HER relationship….. gold stars. She’s in town because she’s job hunting, because she’s moving back in with her parents for a while since her relationship ended. Apparently they have been having a ton of small problems adding up, but the biggest one? Sex. The guy she’s been with was apparently never great but it’s gotten to the point where he makes no effort at all for her to enjoy herself and then gets pissed when she isn’t in the mood.
She tried talking with him about it, making suggestions but he told her recently that it’s “emasculating” being given sex advice by a woman. The straw that broke the metaphorical camel’s back, however, was that her boyfriend has always had a thing for Asian women. She’s caucasian, but she does have long black hair. After weeks of fighting over their sex life, he suggested that they spice things up….by her dressing in a kimono and pretending to be Asian. She lost it on him and is absolutely disgusted by the racist fetishism and ended it right then.
So she had allllll of this bottled up and was hoping to talk to me and finally be able to put it down….. and I missed every hint that she had something big to discuss because I was gushing about Mike. So to her it felt like I was just twisting the knife by bragging about how great our sex was. She snapped, and somewhere between what I was saying and what she wanted to talk about some wires got crossed and she said something incredibly dumb.
She left without saying goodbye because she was mortified and ashamed as well as irrationally mad at me. Something to know about Jess, she’s an awful liar and she and I were the co-founders of our high school’s “foot-in-mouth” society, so I do believe her. I told her I forgive her and I’m sorry I didn’t realize she wanted to talk about something bothering her, and she said I was too stupidly nice and have nothing to apologize for, so I think we’ll be okay. For the time being I’m not ready for her and Mike to meet, because I don’t want to make things feel worse, and she agrees. But she’s really really happy for me. Hopefully this is just a funny story we can look back on someday.
So, on to how Mike almost killed me, lol. Last night we were talking about the reddit post and he gets this funny expression that I’m starting to recognize. And he goes “How do we know you don’t have a fetish if we haven’t at least tried it in the chair?” And I’m like “are you serious lol”. He said he’s never attempted it, because (cue tears) he’s never felt so comfortable with a partner before. Well.
His chair has what is essentially like a parking break thing. Or it should, it’s unfortunately broken and apparently getting them fixed is an expensive pain in the ass. He doesn’t use it that often so he hasn’t made it a priority. And there’s this thing called Newton’s third law, you know how every action has an equal and opposite reaction? As it happens, when you’re trying to, ah, get the motion of the ocean going, in a chair with wheels that aren’t locked, there’s a sort of counter motion that starts and fucks it all up. So we were going nowhere fast except for inching along the floor in his bedroom. And laughing at the silliness, which isn’t helping. Eventually he just stops and says “Maybe we can get some of those wooden block things they use to keep little planes from rolling away, like in Indiana Jones you know?”
I absolutely lost it. Like laughing so hard I’m in tears, he’s giggling half at the situation and half at my reaction, and everything just keeps setting me off again. FINALLY I get it under control, doing some deep breathing exercises and shit, and I look at him again. And he pulls the straightest face he can, and says, for the love of god, “Golly. This sure is uncomfortable.” Folks if I had asthma I would have fucking died right there. I laughed so hard I think I pulled a rib. Like wheezing and not even laughing anymore so much as weeping and making this awful “heeeeee” noise when I could catch my breath. While he’s laughing and rubbing my back and saying he’s sorry, he couldn’t resist.
So yeah, confirmed, no fetish here, and this magnificent bastard’s comedic timing might actually kill me.
I doubt I’ll update again, because there’s really nothing I can see needing to share given everything sort of worked out. And in the end, the real assholes were the….friends we made along the way? Idk. Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post and for coming along with me on this absurd but brief drama in my life, lol.
Comments
Rustymarble
Obviously, Jess needs to have a twin with a mother-in-law invade her home with ummm....dog poo...and somehow there's a tree dropping leaves and and a 7 year old brat threw an ummm...apple? And then the cops came and everyone clapps!
OOP: And everyone's phones blow up! Genius, I'll finally go viral and get all those internet dollars I assume people are raking in, LOL
I probably will post an update on this account, but I don't necessarily want to bog down AITAH with my silly shit. I'm so excited and nervous. It's apparently a Mother's Day BBQ! which I didn't know because my parents and I are estranged and I never even seriously thought about having kids before meeting Mike. But apparently it's a lot of people and a lot of food and apparently everyone knows he's bringing me. Also, can I just say FUCK YES about his mom? They apparently have a huge one floor rancher and she just assumed we'd be sleeping together in his old room. Like none of that weird "you aren't married so you get separate rooms" shit. I already adore them and we haven't even met yet.
Forward-Two3846
I think Mike updates are essential to AITAH 😆. I am so excited for you and I hope you have the time of your life.
OOP: Oh there is one coming. Oh my God his family, lol. I am exhausted already and it's only 1 here, and we have another day of this ahead! They are amazing and he is glowing like a fireball, the side of him when he's with family is so bright I need sunglasses to look at him.
Update - 1 month later
Hello again! I was going to post this on my own page but a few people mentioned that they think it’s nice to read on AITAH, so fuck it, here’s the “met Mikes family” update. And it's a doozy, or at least felt like it at the time for a girl who grew up with a small, dysfunctional family.
So first up, you know what people (at least me) don’t think about when dating a guy who’s always sitting? Height. I know he’s taller than me because we cuddle a lot, and he’s taller sitting on the couch, but I didn’t reeeeeeally get it. So we drive up Friday night after work (actually south and west, lol, but to my brain it’s always up) in his vehicle, which is modified to be driven entirely using his hands. Neat, right? He’s a really good driver too. One more green flag. We get to the house, and it’s…. It’s huge you guys, LOL like not a mansion, just kind of a sprawling one floor rancher. Real estate was wild back in the day.
Anyway we get out, and I meet his mom. I’d like to point out I am no slouch, I’m 5’-friggin-7. His mom is TOWERING over me. But she was the nicest lady ever. We go inside and I meet his dad (who funny enough is apparently the only short one in this family) and his youngest sister, who is living there with his one year old niece. She gets up to hug me and SHE IS ALSO REALLY TALL. It’s already a bit late then, so we eat and head to bed, I get to see his cute as shit room from when he was a teenager, and I casually ask “hey, so uh, I don’t know how this works and stuff, but how tall are you?” and Mike is all “I dunno, like a bit over 6’4? Been a while since I checked.” A BIT OVER 6’4. “So, is everyone in your family tall?” “…..kinda?”
We met the Nordic Basketball team he calls a family properly the next day. (Actually they’re Irish, but they’re blond and tall so it conveys the idea better.) The ONLY one of reasonable height, and still taller than me, was his oldest sister, lol.
They are also LOUD. Like not really shouting or anything usually, just, PRESENT. Mike is a lot different around them, but in the cutest way, like he just beams all the time and you can see how happy he is to be home. One of his brothers put him in a headlock and gave him a dang NOOGIE as a greeting, and got elbowed in the side for it, and all of them laughing. And his mom smacked one of his brothers with a rolled up magazine for putting his feet on the table. More laughing. Just… intimidating but in the happiest way imaginable. I’ll admit I was a little shut down for a bit, but Mike kept checking in with me to make sure I was okay, and they were all really nice, so I got into the spirit after a bit.
I mentioned this in another comment, but Mike has a special sports wheelchair he uses for, well, sports. And he and his siblings play basketball. And he is GOOD. Apart from just having a hell of an arm, he’s quick as hell. And this magnificent bastard that I love will absolutely, purposefully, GLEEFULLY run someone’s toes over. He AIMS for it. They all have this yank-back-the-foot maneuver that’s hysterical to watch.
So it was this crazy day of loud people playing and having a blast, nieces and nephews running around, and just noise. My ears are still ringing. The food was catered in advance because his mom “had seven babies, all I make on mother’s day is margaritas.” They also have a pool, it’s a bit chilly still but the pool is HEATED so we actually all got to swim, which was a lot of fun because I got to show off that I too am athletic…. I can do a backwards somersault off a diving board! Yeah. I’m a real catch lol. They at least pretended to be impressed.
We all stayed up late drinking and bitching that it was too overcast to see the aurora (boo) and I had the worst hangover I’ve had in a while on Sunday. We slept in a bit late, and then joined Mike’s family for the BBQ part of the BBQ weekend. His dad can GRILL, people. And he’s fast, food coming off the grill at lightning speed. I asked Mike about it and he laughed and said “there was seven of us to feed. Ever see a nest of baby birds? He had practice.” Which, fair enough.
I don’t have much experience with babies, but I got to hold his youngest niece (the one living at home with his sis until her husband gets back from deployment) and we had a light talk about kids in the future. I told him that I never put much thought into it but if they were going to grow up in a happy home like his and not how I grew up, I’m pretty sure I’d be open to having them with him someday. But later. I need him all to myself for a while first. He seemed really really happy about that, which makes ME feel all goofy and happy. I’m sappy.
We had to drive home Sunday night, but before we went his mom hugged me and said she’s NEVER seen her son like this, and thanked me for taking good care of her baby. And asked if we’d be back for the 4th of July or if we were doing something with my family. And I tried to be all “haaaa no we’ll be here if you don’t mind, I don’t see them much” and I think she caught on that there’s more to the story so she just hugged the shit out of me (vikings, all of them I swear) and told me she can’t wait to see me again.
My ears are still ringing from all the noise and chaos, but it was an absolute blast and I can’t wait to see them again in July. Also, pretty much sure Mike is the man I’m going to marry. I literally can’t think of a single reason why I would ever let him get away.
Anyway thanks for reading, hope you all had a lovely weekend, and those of you who got to see the aurora I’m happy for you but you suck, lol.
Comments
ERVetSurgeon
NTA. sounds like you have found a happy family to join. Good for you and good for Mike.
OOP: It's still pretty surreal. The other in laws that were there were all like that smiling hanging guy meme, "First time?" It was a great weekend.Stormy8888
This story is so heart warming it belongs on BestofRedditorUpdates.
Congratulations, at some parts I felt like I was reading about the Roarke Family's dynamics in one of Nora Robert's JD Robb's Eve Dallas Novels, the whole Irish family vibes were just there. So lovely.
OOP: Ahahaha I don't think it's interesting enough for that, but I am glad people are enjoying it.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.18 07:29 sweetlibertea No one in the family likes my brother's fiancee due to her own actions, and I'm not really sure how much longer I can retain my sanity and play nice. I really miss my brother, but at this point I'm almost considering him a lost cause.
I (27F) have an older brother, 33M. We didn't get along very much as kids due to the age gap, not for my lack of trying. I never really understood why my brother didn't really like spending time with me, because he was one of my favorite people in the world, despite all his bullying.
For context, I'll give some examples of what my brother has done to me over the years with some vague age ranges of when they occurred.
When I was about 3, my brother convinced me that red was orange and orange was red because I was learning my colors in preschool. He also used to steal food like tater tots off my little high chair tray and would pretend he didn't do anything when my mom checked on why I was crying (I was NOT a fussy baby/toddler, so it set off alarm bells when I did.)
I think when I was 4 or 5, my brother came into my room after I had already been put to bed, and he woke me up. Thing is, he was hovering over me with a scary mask on, only the hallway light, and a butterknife. Not sure I really have to explain why that was traumatic. I'm still afraid of masks to this day.
When I was around 10-12, my brother kept drinking all the milk or kool aid that I would make and never replenish/remake it. I told him to stop, he wouldn't, of course. My mom was fostering other children and didn't have time for squabbles like this. So I very visibly spit on top of the kool aid pitcher and left the lid off so it was seen. What does my (reminder, 17-19) brother do? He wrenches the bowl of cereal I'm currently eating out of my hands, spits in it, and shoves it back at me hard enough that it spilled all over me. Now, I'm not an angry person. I'm not a violent person. But I was still a child and fed up with being bullied by someone who was/almost an adult. I never tried getting physical before because I was so much smaller, but I hit puberty kind of early. So I splashed the bowl back at him to see how he liked it. He threw me to the ground and hit me. My mom had to break us up and told us we were both to blame, so he didn't even get punished.
Several times, he would turn the lights off on me when I was on the other side of the room in the basement away from the switch, because I was afraid of the dark for a very long time.
We had Sonic Adventure 2 we shared. If we ever fought about something, or I reminded him it was my turn, he threatened to say goodbye forever to my chao. I am extremely soft hearted so that accomplished what he wanted.
Sometimes I would notice my things go missing. I had assumed maybe my mom put them away somewhere and forgot, but I'm pretty sure I know what happened to them. Especially gamecube games-- Those discs were tiny! He was pawning them for drug and booze money. One time he was drunk and admitted he had been selling his adderall for other drugs. That came to a head one terrible Christmas Eve. Brother was home for the holiday and I'm not very clear on what events led up to it, but my parents caught my brother in the bathroom with a baggie of various drugs that he was already doing. He insisted it was just weed, but my parents didn't believe that. I wouldn't know, I only briefly saw the bag, but it was full of both a large green ball of like leaves and lots of white powder. It was a vicious screaming match for a few hours. I hid out in my room on a different floor and played a video game as loud as I could so I didn't have to hear my family. The screams died down after a while, and I cautiously went out of my room. My brother had left the house for a while. I had a few holiday assignments and decided to just crank them out while my family cooled off, and I did it at the dining room table because that's where our Christmas tree was too and I desperately needed that good cheer magic. I was quietly writing, not saying anything, not making much noise, when my brother came back in the house. He stopped off at the kitchen for something and muttered something rude and belittling to me. At this point I'm a preeten-early teen and he had already ruined the day that had always been magical to me before, as my grandma used to stay over with us on Christmas Eve. She had died rather recently at the time. And I can't tell you exactly what I said. I think I've blocked out as much as I can. I made some snide remark, something like 'at least I don't do drugs' and in the next second I was yanked out of my chair. My brother picked me up by the neck and slammed me against the wall. I know I clawed and kicked against the wall as hard as I could. I blacked out, and I woke up on the floor with my parents absolutely screaming at him that he could have killed me. As a side note to the whole ordeal, he never apologized, and it's made my adult life a lot harder as weed becomes more and more commonplace. Just the thought of it used to send me in a panic attack, I could feel the hands choking me again. I've gotten better about dealing with it, but I still refuse to have it in any part of my life whatsoever. It's cost me a few relationships.
When I was in college, my brother had moved back in with me and my parents because his girlfriend dumped him for being a piece of shit that worked at walmart and did nothing but drink all day despite having a state paid scholarship, that he wasted, because he couldn't keep his GPA above 2.8. He was a music major. The classes he took were things like 'History of Jimi Hendrix' and 'The Beatles'. He just partied too much to even attend class. He took the dog they got with him, not at all prepared for her. The dog is a high energy breed that is difficult to train, and we had two small 5-10 pound dogs at home. At 1 year old, bro's dog was about 30 pounds. He often left for several hours during summers/breaks when I was home, without telling anyone, knowing that I would either hear the dog cry if he crated them and feel bad and let them out or that I wouldn't banish them to a crate if they were already in a room with me. The dog bullied our other dogs and bit at everyone. Dog was incredibly overly protective of my brother-- Trait of the breed. I was back at college for a few months and had spent a good month mourning the loss of a 5 year relationship. I never really heard anything from him. Then out of the blue, my brother asks me if I can let him and dog stay for the night (we live 2 hours from the college) because my mom had kicked him out. The dog had bit her and she snapped at my brother to control his f'ing dog and he responded by calling her, the woman who birthed him, payed for his other college costs, paid back loans he promised to pay to other family members, never charged him rent, and he called her a f'ing female dog. She snapped. While I agree that my mom was completely in the right to do that, I have too soft of a heart to just leave him with nowhere to go. He promised it was just a night so he could get in touch with some friends closer to home and figure shit out. I let him come to me.
I really regret that decision.
At the time I had a new roommate (she was very nice though, I liked her) and a sort of FWB who doted on me for a little while. I texted FWB and asked if he could bring some alcohol by-- I was still 19 at the time, underage to buy it, but FWB was old enough and agreed the man could probably do with a drink. We stayed out on our little porch area to make sure that we wouldn't be disturbing my roomie in any way while we socialized. My brother got really wasted. He told me terrible things about our deceased grandmother (who he knew I had really loved growing up, and had no idea about who she really was because she had always loved me). And he laughed. He laughed when he saw the discomfort on my face. My FWB was feeling pretty bad for me and suggested we go to bed because it was also like 3 in the morning and both of us had class in the morning, so we go inside. The apartment has a shared common room/living room, little kitchen area, and laundry closet. My bedroom is on one side and roomie's was on the other-- Both bathrooms are also ensuite to the bedroom. So I went in and changed out of my clothes into something comfier to sleep in and crawled into my bed, letting my brother do his own thing in the bathroom. I'm just trying to rest and suddenly my brother is pulling me out of my bed and dragging me out of my own room. He's yelling that he's taking my bed, did I really expect him to take the couch? And I'm not very confrontational. I'm flustered, tired, and honestly a little afraid after the neck choke incident. FWB steps in like a hero and tries to calmly explain that its my bed, and I will sleep in it, I have been kind enough to let him stay and he should not be so ungrateful. Brother fucking loses his mind. Starts screaming his head off about how selfish I am and how reliant I am on our parents and won't be able to do anything on my own as an adult (I was financially dependent on my parents at 19 while in college, shocker). He starts drunkenly trying to pick up his dog's toys and searching for his keys, and both FWB and I step in and tell him he can't go driving like this, after like half a bottle of fireball. He at least needs to sober up before he can drive. I stand in front of the front door, as my brother is still searching for his keys, and there is no way I'm letting him out of here right now. Brother has found his keys, and starts pulling at me and hurting me. Lucky for me, FWB had been a pretty good wrestler in highschool. He got my brother pinned down and I snatched the keys, hiding over by the sink in case I had to throw them in there. He's screaming his head off and my poor roommate comes out and asks what the hell is going on because she knows I'm very quiet and tend to keep visitors in my room. I'm like half sobbing trying to explain and the FWB, still pinning my brother, tells her that we're trying to keep him from drunk driving. My roommate does not play around with that. She was in nursing school, and had recently lost a friend to a drunk driver. I don't know how it worked, but she put on her stern nurse tone and told my brother that he was free to leave when he sobered up, or she herself would be calling the cops on him, and both me and FWB could press additional charges for assault. He reluctantly agreed to this condition and FWB let him off the floor, but sat in front of the front door just in case. When he was sobered up, he left, saying 'I hope you like mom and dad, because I'm not your family anymore'.
And that was devastating. I couldn't stop crying. My FWB went back to bed with me and laid me down in bed and let me cry until I passed out. He skipped his class that day to be there for me. I know I don't paint a good picture of my brother, but I did/do love him. I thought now that we were older that he'd mellowed out and we could be good friends like I always wanted. I mean, I made like 300 fake facebook accounts back in the day to vote for his band to be a headliner at a large concert. Just a few years prior when he was home on a break he introduced me to a TV show we binged and he let my lay on his shoulder. (I was/am very touch starved but paralyzed by fear that I'm annoying the other person, and all my friends were made later in life and are states away). When Pokemon Go came out we would take late night drives around quiet places of town while hunting pokemon together. We traded off the controller on online battlefield games and compared scores and the most ridiculous deaths. I really thought that he loved me too, finally, after years of resentment.
He didn't speak to me for 2 years. I didn't find out until later, but my parents lied for him on my behalf that he still loved me and was just annoyed, and gave me birthday/christmas presents that they told me had been from him, just that he was working. I really treasured those objects when I didn't know the truth about them. I got a really stupid mug with the first letter of my name on it in pink and zebra print (two things I don't really enjoy) but I used that thing every single day.
So, these are glimpses into my previous relationship with my brother. I don't really remember when he started speaking to me again, but I sure know he never apologized. He had finally hit rock bottom and asked my father to put in a good word for him at (insert facility with decent pay and good benefits but hard work), which he had previously rejected by telling my parents that it was a shit job. My brother's name got put closer to the top of the resumes. He got in. It wasn't easy work, or comfy sometimes, but it paid well enough to endure that, I guess. My brother used to be rather athletic.
Between the cut off point and then, my brother had worked at a (also generic job) a town or two over and hated the commute. He also happened to find a girlfriend with an apartment sort of close by. She didn't like having him over because of his dog, and almost never let him do any overnight. But now that my brother had a better paying job, she was willing to move in with him, of course. My brother bought a house in our home town and she came with it. She pays a ridiculously low amount of rent to my brother.
If she was home and brother wasn't, the dog stayed crated up because she didn't want to deal with it. Both of them worked, but her job isn't at all difficult. And yet somehow, sometimes pulling doubles, my brother ended up doing most of everything. My brother, who didn't learn to do his laundry until his 20s, ate pizza every single day, and had left used condoms on the floor of his bedroom in our parents house when he left. He did most of the cooking because she says she's bad at it. But will make pies for her mom. When the holidays came around, instead of discussing or rotating, they will always go to her family first. If my brother can come to ours at all. He often misses entire occassions (we don't go out big, but like, cmon. Hand your dad the gift card on his birthday at least, not 2 weeks later).
I also used to get to hangout or see my brother sometimes. Maybe once every few weeks, and it was fun! It was the friendship I had always dreamt of. Now I can't even get him to do anything online with me from the comfort of his own home. I don't have a single text from him this year past 1/27.
At first, we all understood. She was quirky. I was quirky. We share several similar traits and interests. I used to like that and be excited to have a family member like me, but now I dread the day she becomes family.
Let's start with the smoking car. Me and my parents were driving near his street so we could cut through to the highway, and out of nowhere, black smoke starts coming from the hood. My father tells me and my mom to get out and he'll get it to my brother's and out of the road to look at it and see what was going on. This was like.... early August. It was very hot outside. Since I've 'been in the house before' and 'know what it's like' I am 'allowed' to come into my brother's house to cool off. But GF refuses letting in either of them, referring to the messy state of the house. Which, okay, fair-- But its HER messes. My brother cleans up after her. I learned later that GF snapped at him about his family always coming over unannounced and how she has to hurry to put on a bra and everything is messy and we can't just drop in its rude! She says, as her mother and brother do the exact same thing, in a house she doesn't own. But my family let it be water under the bridge for now. My brother called me a f'in a'hole for telling my mom about the conversation. Because my mom was livid.
The next thing is my father. My dad's family has a pretty big history of strokes and heart attacks, and he's had one heart attack. My dad had been in pain all day and he finally gave up at about 3AM and woke my mom up to drive him to the hospital. I don't have a license at this point, so there's little that I can do. My mom says the surgery he probably needs isn't even done here and they're transferring him, my mom asked me to keep my brother in the loop. So I told him about this and about the time they would reach the hospital, because my mom dad gran and I share locations. I asked if he would take me up, I had a bag full of things that might make him more comfortable or less stressed. The hospital they're taking our dad to is a little over an hour away. Everyone is more or less frantic. My brother is talking to work for him, I'm making sure that for however many hours that our pets will be okay and talking to my mom's work. We drive there and nothing major happens, but it was so... Uncomfortable? Tense. The thing that's hurting my dad is a blocked or enlarged blood vessel that cuts off oxygen to the tissue around it, which, cells die, and you really need your colon, the area my dad has an issue with. The thing is, until they can do the surgery, it was like he was a ticking time bomb. My brother takes me home when visitor hours are over and I hold my dogs tight. The next day is filled with lots of pricks pokes and prods at my dad so we don't go that day. We do go the day after, Friday. My brother's GF is in the truck with him. I'm not really paying attention to much of anything because for all we know my dad could die before we got there. Brothers' GF goes to get some snacks from the long drive and the fact that she's not exactly family yet. My brother, mom and I rotate who is away in the cafe and eating with GF. I see GF and my brother whispering angrily at each other. She's tugging at his arm. I manage to pick up 'We're going to miss my mom's dinner!" And I am just stunned. Her mother has a small family dinner every single friday and makes meatloaf. His GF wanted us to head back from our critical father, because she didn't want to miss a weekly event. And I really have to hand it to my brother for not snapping right then and there. He waited until we were in his truck and out of the hospital parking lot and says "How in the f'ck do you say something to me like that? Like, for real, wtf!" GF starts crying and says its a family tradition and her mom is all she has left-- False. She has her mom, sister, and brother, at least. Her father died in a car incident that hospitalized her as a kid. So my brother snaps again like 'are you seriously telling me you value a f'ing loaf of meat over a life? we have no idea what will happen, my dad could die within the hour and i'm not there, he could die tomorrow, how long d-" And GF cuts him off wailing that her dad is dead. Which, yes, is a horrifyingly traumatic experience. But she does not get to play the 'my dad is dead' card ten years after the fact, to justify leaving our possibly dying father before visiting hours ended. She tried to emotionally blackmail my brother by apologizing to me through tears that this must be so hard for me but honestly I was doing my best to block it out, staring at pictures of dogs in hammocks. I shared my brother's sentiment.
But wait, there's more! Remember that car accident GF had years ago? You would think that, if nothing else, she would be empathetic for someone/their family in a car crash? You'd be wrong! I was rear ended at 60 mph right in front of my house after coming home from work (the ambulance took me straight back to work lmao). The physical damage to me was pretty minimal, bruises and a sprained ankle because my foot was pressed on the brake, waiting for an opportunity to cross into the driveway. This was late October 2020. Covid regulations were pretty strict. So I was alone in a room for a while and in pain. My parents had followed the ambulance. My dad had actually heard the crash and went 'huh she usually comes home now' and runs over after seeing the wreckage. My parents had the crash footage, grainy, but there thanks to the cameras set up outside our house. I hadn't realized it by that point but I had a pretty good concussion, and I was hurt, and scared. I was texting my mom constantly but my dad had left his phone at home in the rush to get my mom and she hadn't charged her phone, they'd been in the parking lot for like an hour and a half already. They promised me they'd be back soon, they'll just pop in and let my brother know since he lives nearby. My parents didn't even ask to like, stay and sit with them instead of a cold car. My mom asked to pee and to borrow a charging cable (they had one, GF has the same model phone) given the, you know, situation. My brother barely cracked the door to speak with them. He said no, because GF was uncomfortable, because they were waiting for their second negative test to come in. Read that again. They had tested negative. It's not like my mom would go near anyone to the bathroom either-- The back door that's used more often is literally inches away from the bathroom door. My brother didn't even try to argue with his GF about his own home and some empathy for someone else dealing with a car crash. It absolutely disgusted my parents. And later on brother told me he got another earful about our parents just dropping in without notice and its like? Excuse me? Its his house!
Unfortunately, a tire popped on my parents' car when we were nearby. It was like, 3 years since the first issue with the car. I went inside and asked my brother to let my mom in because its raining. GF did not like that, and didn't realize I could overhear her down the hall, arguing with my brother and his family again. I went over the next day to my brother and he was actively cleaning up GF's mess so it wouldn't be as 'embarassing' for her. I sat him down and talked to him as realistically as I could. I have depression, anxiety, emotional abuse trauma, agorophobia, and very few friends. But I'm okay. He started very quietly expressing his frustration towards GF. She doesn't do much around the house or contribute financially, lets her family over but not his, him doing most of the cooking despite regularly pulling 12s. I sat there calmly, because of course I knew this. This is what makes the situation somewhat even more sticky. I asked my brother, "Do you actually love someone like that? Or are you afraid to be alone?" He's been in one relationship or another for most of my life. Lately he had been confiding in me about how bad his mental health was falling and I was like 'that's not a slump, that's. that's depression.' So when I asked my brother the question, he hesitated. That spoke loudly enough in my opinion. But then I also saw my brother's face crumpling as he admitted he just didn't want to be alone. GF wants babies but my brother knows with her medical history and condition on top of being so lazy and bluntly told me she would not be a good mother and hopes to God that day doesn't come. He is so unhappy being with her. We both heard the rustling of a comforter and my brother lowered his panicky voice and asked me to leave so she doesn't see me here. That is incredibly messed up, especially since its his name on the house. I haven't seen my brother at his house since then, and that was over 2 years ago.
During COVID, GF started working from home, and it stayed that way. My brother still takes care of most things.
In the mean time, he's proposed to her. Yeah. I managed to save things when all our faces dropped at the Christmas dinner he announced their engagement at. My brother calls her by a nickname that was also the name of a beloved family dog that had passed away only one month ago. My dad and my reactions at that time were genuine confusion and sadness about him bringing up our passed pet. Everything was pretty quiet after that. When we got home, I texted my brother and told him that hearing our dog's name in conversation after losing her so recently shattered us, be we were, in fact, happy for his engagement.
I lied.
None of us want him to marry her. I dread the day that I get a wedding invitation or GF shows up pregnant. She would be a terrible mother. My brother is aware of the fact that my parents think she's a rude, inconsiderate brat that only thinks of herself, from that earlier conversation that I talked to my parents about. My mom snapped that they don't have to like her, all they were required to do was be civil, and we are, so shut up.
At larger family functions GF tends to gravitate around me. Like I said, we have similar interests and personalities. And I have never told her to get lost or had it in me to upfront tell her we don't like her. I am absolutely horrible at confrontation, but my patience is wearing thin.
Last year my parents set up brunch for Mother's Day. We were at the table when my brother called and said they were going to urgent care because GF had another one of her migraines that make her vomit. Which, she takes medicine and has injectable solutions. Some situation always comes up with her right before my brother would come to us.
My parents tried again with the Mother's Day brunch last week. On the day of, he said that he was too tired to come, can we try next week? Please insert the eyeroll of the century.
Because of our clear dislike, my brother doesn't often bring his GF around anymore on the offchance she lets him. It occurred to me that my parents planned the same brunch as last year, and I was dreading my question. "Is GF coming with us for brunch?" They don't know. All my brother did was confirm the time and place. The thought of having to deal with her in the morning and pretend that I don't see her for what she is, is already exhausting me. I can barely get my brother to even play online with me. I feel like this has been festering long enough that at some point, its all going to overflow at once. But I am absolutely disgusted by how she takes advantage of my brother's fear of being alone and how the world revolves around her.
I had a dream the other day, actually, it was a good dream. I was at their wedding, and the priest guy said the standard 'speak now or hold your peace' and I stood up and loudly shouted OBJECTION! Every single person in the room turned to look at me, one because I don't raise my voice like that, two my patience is vast, and three, to upset me to this level of shouldering my anxiety by making a spectacle of myself. I then explained every detail, especially how much she was charged for rent, that my brother admitted he wasn't happy, and I wanted better for him than to just be an ATM maid.
If I bring this up to my brother again, I may lose him forever. But if I don't, he may be miserable together. And on the third side-- Do I actually really want my brothers' friendship at this point? Like, I'm definitely fed up dealing with his GF like she is. Plus, I pointed out and reiterated to him before that he admitted he wasn't happy.
I am very, very quiet by default. Never got into much trouble. I was and still am a gentle soul at my core being. If things get to a point where I cross lines of polite manners and call someone out on their bs, people around know that someone did something almost unforgivable. I'm wondering if my brother would know that.
TLDR; Brother's fiancee is disliked for good reason. My brother has isolated. I miss him, but also never want to see him again. I want to remind him that this marriage isn't a good idea, but I don't want to antagonize him.
submitted by sweetlibertea to offmychest [link] [comments]
For context, I'll give some examples of what my brother has done to me over the years with some vague age ranges of when they occurred.
When I was about 3, my brother convinced me that red was orange and orange was red because I was learning my colors in preschool. He also used to steal food like tater tots off my little high chair tray and would pretend he didn't do anything when my mom checked on why I was crying (I was NOT a fussy baby/toddler, so it set off alarm bells when I did.)
I think when I was 4 or 5, my brother came into my room after I had already been put to bed, and he woke me up. Thing is, he was hovering over me with a scary mask on, only the hallway light, and a butterknife. Not sure I really have to explain why that was traumatic. I'm still afraid of masks to this day.
When I was around 10-12, my brother kept drinking all the milk or kool aid that I would make and never replenish/remake it. I told him to stop, he wouldn't, of course. My mom was fostering other children and didn't have time for squabbles like this. So I very visibly spit on top of the kool aid pitcher and left the lid off so it was seen. What does my (reminder, 17-19) brother do? He wrenches the bowl of cereal I'm currently eating out of my hands, spits in it, and shoves it back at me hard enough that it spilled all over me. Now, I'm not an angry person. I'm not a violent person. But I was still a child and fed up with being bullied by someone who was/almost an adult. I never tried getting physical before because I was so much smaller, but I hit puberty kind of early. So I splashed the bowl back at him to see how he liked it. He threw me to the ground and hit me. My mom had to break us up and told us we were both to blame, so he didn't even get punished.
Several times, he would turn the lights off on me when I was on the other side of the room in the basement away from the switch, because I was afraid of the dark for a very long time.
We had Sonic Adventure 2 we shared. If we ever fought about something, or I reminded him it was my turn, he threatened to say goodbye forever to my chao. I am extremely soft hearted so that accomplished what he wanted.
Sometimes I would notice my things go missing. I had assumed maybe my mom put them away somewhere and forgot, but I'm pretty sure I know what happened to them. Especially gamecube games-- Those discs were tiny! He was pawning them for drug and booze money. One time he was drunk and admitted he had been selling his adderall for other drugs. That came to a head one terrible Christmas Eve. Brother was home for the holiday and I'm not very clear on what events led up to it, but my parents caught my brother in the bathroom with a baggie of various drugs that he was already doing. He insisted it was just weed, but my parents didn't believe that. I wouldn't know, I only briefly saw the bag, but it was full of both a large green ball of like leaves and lots of white powder. It was a vicious screaming match for a few hours. I hid out in my room on a different floor and played a video game as loud as I could so I didn't have to hear my family. The screams died down after a while, and I cautiously went out of my room. My brother had left the house for a while. I had a few holiday assignments and decided to just crank them out while my family cooled off, and I did it at the dining room table because that's where our Christmas tree was too and I desperately needed that good cheer magic. I was quietly writing, not saying anything, not making much noise, when my brother came back in the house. He stopped off at the kitchen for something and muttered something rude and belittling to me. At this point I'm a preeten-early teen and he had already ruined the day that had always been magical to me before, as my grandma used to stay over with us on Christmas Eve. She had died rather recently at the time. And I can't tell you exactly what I said. I think I've blocked out as much as I can. I made some snide remark, something like 'at least I don't do drugs' and in the next second I was yanked out of my chair. My brother picked me up by the neck and slammed me against the wall. I know I clawed and kicked against the wall as hard as I could. I blacked out, and I woke up on the floor with my parents absolutely screaming at him that he could have killed me. As a side note to the whole ordeal, he never apologized, and it's made my adult life a lot harder as weed becomes more and more commonplace. Just the thought of it used to send me in a panic attack, I could feel the hands choking me again. I've gotten better about dealing with it, but I still refuse to have it in any part of my life whatsoever. It's cost me a few relationships.
When I was in college, my brother had moved back in with me and my parents because his girlfriend dumped him for being a piece of shit that worked at walmart and did nothing but drink all day despite having a state paid scholarship, that he wasted, because he couldn't keep his GPA above 2.8. He was a music major. The classes he took were things like 'History of Jimi Hendrix' and 'The Beatles'. He just partied too much to even attend class. He took the dog they got with him, not at all prepared for her. The dog is a high energy breed that is difficult to train, and we had two small 5-10 pound dogs at home. At 1 year old, bro's dog was about 30 pounds. He often left for several hours during summers/breaks when I was home, without telling anyone, knowing that I would either hear the dog cry if he crated them and feel bad and let them out or that I wouldn't banish them to a crate if they were already in a room with me. The dog bullied our other dogs and bit at everyone. Dog was incredibly overly protective of my brother-- Trait of the breed. I was back at college for a few months and had spent a good month mourning the loss of a 5 year relationship. I never really heard anything from him. Then out of the blue, my brother asks me if I can let him and dog stay for the night (we live 2 hours from the college) because my mom had kicked him out. The dog had bit her and she snapped at my brother to control his f'ing dog and he responded by calling her, the woman who birthed him, payed for his other college costs, paid back loans he promised to pay to other family members, never charged him rent, and he called her a f'ing female dog. She snapped. While I agree that my mom was completely in the right to do that, I have too soft of a heart to just leave him with nowhere to go. He promised it was just a night so he could get in touch with some friends closer to home and figure shit out. I let him come to me.
I really regret that decision.
At the time I had a new roommate (she was very nice though, I liked her) and a sort of FWB who doted on me for a little while. I texted FWB and asked if he could bring some alcohol by-- I was still 19 at the time, underage to buy it, but FWB was old enough and agreed the man could probably do with a drink. We stayed out on our little porch area to make sure that we wouldn't be disturbing my roomie in any way while we socialized. My brother got really wasted. He told me terrible things about our deceased grandmother (who he knew I had really loved growing up, and had no idea about who she really was because she had always loved me). And he laughed. He laughed when he saw the discomfort on my face. My FWB was feeling pretty bad for me and suggested we go to bed because it was also like 3 in the morning and both of us had class in the morning, so we go inside. The apartment has a shared common room/living room, little kitchen area, and laundry closet. My bedroom is on one side and roomie's was on the other-- Both bathrooms are also ensuite to the bedroom. So I went in and changed out of my clothes into something comfier to sleep in and crawled into my bed, letting my brother do his own thing in the bathroom. I'm just trying to rest and suddenly my brother is pulling me out of my bed and dragging me out of my own room. He's yelling that he's taking my bed, did I really expect him to take the couch? And I'm not very confrontational. I'm flustered, tired, and honestly a little afraid after the neck choke incident. FWB steps in like a hero and tries to calmly explain that its my bed, and I will sleep in it, I have been kind enough to let him stay and he should not be so ungrateful. Brother fucking loses his mind. Starts screaming his head off about how selfish I am and how reliant I am on our parents and won't be able to do anything on my own as an adult (I was financially dependent on my parents at 19 while in college, shocker). He starts drunkenly trying to pick up his dog's toys and searching for his keys, and both FWB and I step in and tell him he can't go driving like this, after like half a bottle of fireball. He at least needs to sober up before he can drive. I stand in front of the front door, as my brother is still searching for his keys, and there is no way I'm letting him out of here right now. Brother has found his keys, and starts pulling at me and hurting me. Lucky for me, FWB had been a pretty good wrestler in highschool. He got my brother pinned down and I snatched the keys, hiding over by the sink in case I had to throw them in there. He's screaming his head off and my poor roommate comes out and asks what the hell is going on because she knows I'm very quiet and tend to keep visitors in my room. I'm like half sobbing trying to explain and the FWB, still pinning my brother, tells her that we're trying to keep him from drunk driving. My roommate does not play around with that. She was in nursing school, and had recently lost a friend to a drunk driver. I don't know how it worked, but she put on her stern nurse tone and told my brother that he was free to leave when he sobered up, or she herself would be calling the cops on him, and both me and FWB could press additional charges for assault. He reluctantly agreed to this condition and FWB let him off the floor, but sat in front of the front door just in case. When he was sobered up, he left, saying 'I hope you like mom and dad, because I'm not your family anymore'.
And that was devastating. I couldn't stop crying. My FWB went back to bed with me and laid me down in bed and let me cry until I passed out. He skipped his class that day to be there for me. I know I don't paint a good picture of my brother, but I did/do love him. I thought now that we were older that he'd mellowed out and we could be good friends like I always wanted. I mean, I made like 300 fake facebook accounts back in the day to vote for his band to be a headliner at a large concert. Just a few years prior when he was home on a break he introduced me to a TV show we binged and he let my lay on his shoulder. (I was/am very touch starved but paralyzed by fear that I'm annoying the other person, and all my friends were made later in life and are states away). When Pokemon Go came out we would take late night drives around quiet places of town while hunting pokemon together. We traded off the controller on online battlefield games and compared scores and the most ridiculous deaths. I really thought that he loved me too, finally, after years of resentment.
He didn't speak to me for 2 years. I didn't find out until later, but my parents lied for him on my behalf that he still loved me and was just annoyed, and gave me birthday/christmas presents that they told me had been from him, just that he was working. I really treasured those objects when I didn't know the truth about them. I got a really stupid mug with the first letter of my name on it in pink and zebra print (two things I don't really enjoy) but I used that thing every single day.
So, these are glimpses into my previous relationship with my brother. I don't really remember when he started speaking to me again, but I sure know he never apologized. He had finally hit rock bottom and asked my father to put in a good word for him at (insert facility with decent pay and good benefits but hard work), which he had previously rejected by telling my parents that it was a shit job. My brother's name got put closer to the top of the resumes. He got in. It wasn't easy work, or comfy sometimes, but it paid well enough to endure that, I guess. My brother used to be rather athletic.
Between the cut off point and then, my brother had worked at a (also generic job) a town or two over and hated the commute. He also happened to find a girlfriend with an apartment sort of close by. She didn't like having him over because of his dog, and almost never let him do any overnight. But now that my brother had a better paying job, she was willing to move in with him, of course. My brother bought a house in our home town and she came with it. She pays a ridiculously low amount of rent to my brother.
If she was home and brother wasn't, the dog stayed crated up because she didn't want to deal with it. Both of them worked, but her job isn't at all difficult. And yet somehow, sometimes pulling doubles, my brother ended up doing most of everything. My brother, who didn't learn to do his laundry until his 20s, ate pizza every single day, and had left used condoms on the floor of his bedroom in our parents house when he left. He did most of the cooking because she says she's bad at it. But will make pies for her mom. When the holidays came around, instead of discussing or rotating, they will always go to her family first. If my brother can come to ours at all. He often misses entire occassions (we don't go out big, but like, cmon. Hand your dad the gift card on his birthday at least, not 2 weeks later).
I also used to get to hangout or see my brother sometimes. Maybe once every few weeks, and it was fun! It was the friendship I had always dreamt of. Now I can't even get him to do anything online with me from the comfort of his own home. I don't have a single text from him this year past 1/27.
At first, we all understood. She was quirky. I was quirky. We share several similar traits and interests. I used to like that and be excited to have a family member like me, but now I dread the day she becomes family.
Let's start with the smoking car. Me and my parents were driving near his street so we could cut through to the highway, and out of nowhere, black smoke starts coming from the hood. My father tells me and my mom to get out and he'll get it to my brother's and out of the road to look at it and see what was going on. This was like.... early August. It was very hot outside. Since I've 'been in the house before' and 'know what it's like' I am 'allowed' to come into my brother's house to cool off. But GF refuses letting in either of them, referring to the messy state of the house. Which, okay, fair-- But its HER messes. My brother cleans up after her. I learned later that GF snapped at him about his family always coming over unannounced and how she has to hurry to put on a bra and everything is messy and we can't just drop in its rude! She says, as her mother and brother do the exact same thing, in a house she doesn't own. But my family let it be water under the bridge for now. My brother called me a f'in a'hole for telling my mom about the conversation. Because my mom was livid.
The next thing is my father. My dad's family has a pretty big history of strokes and heart attacks, and he's had one heart attack. My dad had been in pain all day and he finally gave up at about 3AM and woke my mom up to drive him to the hospital. I don't have a license at this point, so there's little that I can do. My mom says the surgery he probably needs isn't even done here and they're transferring him, my mom asked me to keep my brother in the loop. So I told him about this and about the time they would reach the hospital, because my mom dad gran and I share locations. I asked if he would take me up, I had a bag full of things that might make him more comfortable or less stressed. The hospital they're taking our dad to is a little over an hour away. Everyone is more or less frantic. My brother is talking to work for him, I'm making sure that for however many hours that our pets will be okay and talking to my mom's work. We drive there and nothing major happens, but it was so... Uncomfortable? Tense. The thing that's hurting my dad is a blocked or enlarged blood vessel that cuts off oxygen to the tissue around it, which, cells die, and you really need your colon, the area my dad has an issue with. The thing is, until they can do the surgery, it was like he was a ticking time bomb. My brother takes me home when visitor hours are over and I hold my dogs tight. The next day is filled with lots of pricks pokes and prods at my dad so we don't go that day. We do go the day after, Friday. My brother's GF is in the truck with him. I'm not really paying attention to much of anything because for all we know my dad could die before we got there. Brothers' GF goes to get some snacks from the long drive and the fact that she's not exactly family yet. My brother, mom and I rotate who is away in the cafe and eating with GF. I see GF and my brother whispering angrily at each other. She's tugging at his arm. I manage to pick up 'We're going to miss my mom's dinner!" And I am just stunned. Her mother has a small family dinner every single friday and makes meatloaf. His GF wanted us to head back from our critical father, because she didn't want to miss a weekly event. And I really have to hand it to my brother for not snapping right then and there. He waited until we were in his truck and out of the hospital parking lot and says "How in the f'ck do you say something to me like that? Like, for real, wtf!" GF starts crying and says its a family tradition and her mom is all she has left-- False. She has her mom, sister, and brother, at least. Her father died in a car incident that hospitalized her as a kid. So my brother snaps again like 'are you seriously telling me you value a f'ing loaf of meat over a life? we have no idea what will happen, my dad could die within the hour and i'm not there, he could die tomorrow, how long d-" And GF cuts him off wailing that her dad is dead. Which, yes, is a horrifyingly traumatic experience. But she does not get to play the 'my dad is dead' card ten years after the fact, to justify leaving our possibly dying father before visiting hours ended. She tried to emotionally blackmail my brother by apologizing to me through tears that this must be so hard for me but honestly I was doing my best to block it out, staring at pictures of dogs in hammocks. I shared my brother's sentiment.
But wait, there's more! Remember that car accident GF had years ago? You would think that, if nothing else, she would be empathetic for someone/their family in a car crash? You'd be wrong! I was rear ended at 60 mph right in front of my house after coming home from work (the ambulance took me straight back to work lmao). The physical damage to me was pretty minimal, bruises and a sprained ankle because my foot was pressed on the brake, waiting for an opportunity to cross into the driveway. This was late October 2020. Covid regulations were pretty strict. So I was alone in a room for a while and in pain. My parents had followed the ambulance. My dad had actually heard the crash and went 'huh she usually comes home now' and runs over after seeing the wreckage. My parents had the crash footage, grainy, but there thanks to the cameras set up outside our house. I hadn't realized it by that point but I had a pretty good concussion, and I was hurt, and scared. I was texting my mom constantly but my dad had left his phone at home in the rush to get my mom and she hadn't charged her phone, they'd been in the parking lot for like an hour and a half already. They promised me they'd be back soon, they'll just pop in and let my brother know since he lives nearby. My parents didn't even ask to like, stay and sit with them instead of a cold car. My mom asked to pee and to borrow a charging cable (they had one, GF has the same model phone) given the, you know, situation. My brother barely cracked the door to speak with them. He said no, because GF was uncomfortable, because they were waiting for their second negative test to come in. Read that again. They had tested negative. It's not like my mom would go near anyone to the bathroom either-- The back door that's used more often is literally inches away from the bathroom door. My brother didn't even try to argue with his GF about his own home and some empathy for someone else dealing with a car crash. It absolutely disgusted my parents. And later on brother told me he got another earful about our parents just dropping in without notice and its like? Excuse me? Its his house!
Unfortunately, a tire popped on my parents' car when we were nearby. It was like, 3 years since the first issue with the car. I went inside and asked my brother to let my mom in because its raining. GF did not like that, and didn't realize I could overhear her down the hall, arguing with my brother and his family again. I went over the next day to my brother and he was actively cleaning up GF's mess so it wouldn't be as 'embarassing' for her. I sat him down and talked to him as realistically as I could. I have depression, anxiety, emotional abuse trauma, agorophobia, and very few friends. But I'm okay. He started very quietly expressing his frustration towards GF. She doesn't do much around the house or contribute financially, lets her family over but not his, him doing most of the cooking despite regularly pulling 12s. I sat there calmly, because of course I knew this. This is what makes the situation somewhat even more sticky. I asked my brother, "Do you actually love someone like that? Or are you afraid to be alone?" He's been in one relationship or another for most of my life. Lately he had been confiding in me about how bad his mental health was falling and I was like 'that's not a slump, that's. that's depression.' So when I asked my brother the question, he hesitated. That spoke loudly enough in my opinion. But then I also saw my brother's face crumpling as he admitted he just didn't want to be alone. GF wants babies but my brother knows with her medical history and condition on top of being so lazy and bluntly told me she would not be a good mother and hopes to God that day doesn't come. He is so unhappy being with her. We both heard the rustling of a comforter and my brother lowered his panicky voice and asked me to leave so she doesn't see me here. That is incredibly messed up, especially since its his name on the house. I haven't seen my brother at his house since then, and that was over 2 years ago.
During COVID, GF started working from home, and it stayed that way. My brother still takes care of most things.
In the mean time, he's proposed to her. Yeah. I managed to save things when all our faces dropped at the Christmas dinner he announced their engagement at. My brother calls her by a nickname that was also the name of a beloved family dog that had passed away only one month ago. My dad and my reactions at that time were genuine confusion and sadness about him bringing up our passed pet. Everything was pretty quiet after that. When we got home, I texted my brother and told him that hearing our dog's name in conversation after losing her so recently shattered us, be we were, in fact, happy for his engagement.
I lied.
None of us want him to marry her. I dread the day that I get a wedding invitation or GF shows up pregnant. She would be a terrible mother. My brother is aware of the fact that my parents think she's a rude, inconsiderate brat that only thinks of herself, from that earlier conversation that I talked to my parents about. My mom snapped that they don't have to like her, all they were required to do was be civil, and we are, so shut up.
At larger family functions GF tends to gravitate around me. Like I said, we have similar interests and personalities. And I have never told her to get lost or had it in me to upfront tell her we don't like her. I am absolutely horrible at confrontation, but my patience is wearing thin.
Last year my parents set up brunch for Mother's Day. We were at the table when my brother called and said they were going to urgent care because GF had another one of her migraines that make her vomit. Which, she takes medicine and has injectable solutions. Some situation always comes up with her right before my brother would come to us.
My parents tried again with the Mother's Day brunch last week. On the day of, he said that he was too tired to come, can we try next week? Please insert the eyeroll of the century.
Because of our clear dislike, my brother doesn't often bring his GF around anymore on the offchance she lets him. It occurred to me that my parents planned the same brunch as last year, and I was dreading my question. "Is GF coming with us for brunch?" They don't know. All my brother did was confirm the time and place. The thought of having to deal with her in the morning and pretend that I don't see her for what she is, is already exhausting me. I can barely get my brother to even play online with me. I feel like this has been festering long enough that at some point, its all going to overflow at once. But I am absolutely disgusted by how she takes advantage of my brother's fear of being alone and how the world revolves around her.
I had a dream the other day, actually, it was a good dream. I was at their wedding, and the priest guy said the standard 'speak now or hold your peace' and I stood up and loudly shouted OBJECTION! Every single person in the room turned to look at me, one because I don't raise my voice like that, two my patience is vast, and three, to upset me to this level of shouldering my anxiety by making a spectacle of myself. I then explained every detail, especially how much she was charged for rent, that my brother admitted he wasn't happy, and I wanted better for him than to just be an ATM maid.
If I bring this up to my brother again, I may lose him forever. But if I don't, he may be miserable together. And on the third side-- Do I actually really want my brothers' friendship at this point? Like, I'm definitely fed up dealing with his GF like she is. Plus, I pointed out and reiterated to him before that he admitted he wasn't happy.
I am very, very quiet by default. Never got into much trouble. I was and still am a gentle soul at my core being. If things get to a point where I cross lines of polite manners and call someone out on their bs, people around know that someone did something almost unforgivable. I'm wondering if my brother would know that.
TLDR; Brother's fiancee is disliked for good reason. My brother has isolated. I miss him, but also never want to see him again. I want to remind him that this marriage isn't a good idea, but I don't want to antagonize him.
2024.05.18 06:24 LucyAriaRose New Updates: He (42m) is so jealous of our kids and it’s starting to scare me (35f). Is this family and marriage even savable?
I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is u/ThrowRA-scarecrow. She posted in relationship_advice. Thank you to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the original recommendation and to u/ivy5kin for letting me know about the update
Previous BORU here. New Updates (starting with one from a few months ago and ending with one 7 days old) marked with ****\*
Mood Spoiler: utterly terrifying and disturbing
Original Post: March 16, 2024
My husband (42m) and I (35f) tried for so long to have our boys and girl. Due to a health issue my husband suffered he developed fertility issues and we had to get medical assistance to be able to have our children because if we didn’t he’d probably never have kids. So we went through fertility treatment. He desperately wanted his own biological children and we spent a fortune just to bring them into the world and now he’s jealous and distant with them?
He’s constantly in competition with his own infant children. If I hold the children he gets frustrated. Any time they take my attention away he gets completely pissy. He’s always in a foul mood, irritable and just down right nasty. I don’t understand it. Why is he like this? Our children are barely 6 months and they won’t stop crying every time he’s near. I feel like they can sense his negativity. I tried talking to him. Ive suggested he take interest in the kids and spend more time with us as a family. I know it can sometimes take a little longer for parents to bond with their children but this is down right scary to experience. He’s full of jealousy and envy. He sees our children as competition to my time and affections.
A few times now he has made comments about feeling frustrated that I still breast feed our children. The thing is we mix feed so he has had ample opportunity to feed them and he just doesn’t. He also said that this (meaning our life&our marriage after children) wasn’t what he thought it would be like. I mean what did he expect? A singular baby cries and three of them cry a lot.
We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 7 years. He wanted these children. He pushed for them and now this. I never thought this would ever be me. I am scared. I am scared for my children. I have tried talking to him but he just brushes me off. I’ve suggested counseling. He refuses. He tells me it’s all in my head. I want to save this marriage but I am scared I won’t be able to and maybe it’s not worth saving.
He comes home later everyday. He avoids us on the weekends and any time he has off. I’m not ashamed to say that I went through his phone and there are a lot flirtatious text between him and a “Jessica”. I don’t think anything has happened between them but it sure looks like they are building up to it. I haven’t said anything because I’m afraid. Where do I go with three children, with no money and no family that can help me? I haven’t worked in two years and I’ve spent all my savings on having these children. My mind is in a complete meltdown. I can’t sleep I can’t think and I’m always exhausted.
What the hell happened? Is this him now forever?
Edit: Some of you are some real evil bastards ! Stop blaming me for him mistreating me! I do not deserve to be treated this way and neither do my kids! Stop messaging me evil things!
Relevant Comments:
Examples of 'competition':
If I’m with the kids and say I’m feeding them he gets upset I’m focusing on them and not him, or as he likes to say I’m fussing over them. He expects they sleep through the night and gets upset when I’m with them instead of in bed with him. He has even made weird comments about me loving them more than him.
Did he really want kids or did YOU want kids?
Due to my husband’s fertility issues he was the one pushing for us to have kids. He knew early on that he had a health condition and wanted us to have children way earlier but I asked if we could wait but then his condition worsened so we agreed to get treatment before he couldn’t have any kids. He desperately wanted to be a father and they are biologically ours. His desire to be a father was one of the qualities I liked about him when we started dating.
I’ve always worked and the plan was for me to stay home for the first 2/3 years and perhaps work part time until the kids were school aged. But that’s out the window now because I don’t want to ever be this vulnerable! I’ve been brushing off my cv and scouring the internet for a job. I will never allow myself to be this vulnerable again.
Does he help at ALL? Do you have a support system you could go to?
He doesn’t help me at all. I take care of our kids on my own. My parents are long gone and my sister is abroad. She stayed with us for the birth and a month after the children were born. She lives in France but she’s due to return home this summer. So I know I’ll have her help when she’s back. But I’m trying not to bother her as she’s going through a divorce.
I’ve suggested couples counseling and he refuses. He says everything is in my head.
I’m actually even crying writing this but I do have a small to go bag in the trunk of my car. Just incase. I feel like I’m not being rational because he doesn’t hurt me or the kids but I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. Like what happened to my happy go lucky husband? Who’s this person I’m afraid of?
Are they his biologically? Did you guys go to a support group for infertility treatment?
We didn’t use any sperm or egg donations. The kids are his and mine biologically.
We also went to a support group, two support groups actually. One of them was for couples and the other for men experiencing infertility. He also went to individual therapy to deal with his emotional issues around infertility.
Update Post: March 19, 2024 (3 days later)
Title: He’s (42m) been pinching my (35f) babies?
Thank you to the person who said I should watch his interactions with my babies more closely and frequently. Not even hours after I posted here asking for advice I caught him pinching my son!
While I was scrolling on here and replying to people I decided to check my baby monitor and I watched my husband enter our children’s room and insult them in a hushed and whispery tone. I couldn’t make out much of what he was saying but he was without a doubt telling them that he hated them and wished them dead. Then he pinched my son and my baby boy didn’t even cry which made me think he’s done this many times before.
It all happened so fast and by the time I could make sense of what was happening on the monitor he was already walking down the hallway and down the stairs. At the same time I had lept off the sofa and pretty much tackled him as he came off the stairs. We got into a physical and verbal altercation, we fought, argued and shouted for hours. I guess the police were called by the neighbors because the next thing I know the police are banging on my door. I explained the situation to the police and the officers said that they could not prove that my baby was harmed since he didn’t have a bruise and my baby monitor was only on live feed and not simultaneously recording. Eventually they got my husband to agree to pack a bag and leave. He left reluctantly.
He has since been blowing up my phone begging for forgiveness, talking about how he’s been depressed and stressed by the babies, and that his anxiety and jealousy got the best of him. I just responded once telling him to go fuck himself. I’ve also been in contact with a lawyer and she’s advised me to leave him unblocked incase he further incriminates himself. I don’t even recognize who this man is! Where did this all come from?
How did this happen? Has any other parent experienced this? How did you handle this?
Before y’all start jumping down my throat I am absolutely getting a divorce and I will do everything in my power to get full custody. I did take my children to our family doctor and they are in good health and there are no other signs of abuse. I’ve filled a report with the police and my lawyer is dealing with it. I’m also about to start the process of divorce.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: He just wants more and better access to his victims. This is someone who gets off on hurting children. Actual human beings who are stressed and depressed do not sneak around abusing children for their dopamine hits.
I’ve set the monitor up to record now! I’ve also ordered a home security system and will be installing it real soon!
On what OOP is doing to protect them:
I’m doing everything I can to protect them! This all happened a few days ago but I am in the process of getting a temporary restraining order. My lawyer is handling it and I understand it takes some time to actually get one and in the meantime I’ve been advised that I can just deny him visitation until he gets a judgement from the courts that forces me to grant him access to my babies but that takes time. So in the meantime he can’t force me or my babies to see him.
I’ve recorded every call and saved ever text. Literally documenting everything. Thankfully he’s saying and texting a goldmine of incriminating things that I hope would be sufficient information for a judge to give me and my babies a restraining/protective order and for family court to grant me primary and sole custody.
Did you tell him you saw the pinch?
Yes. He at first told me I was imagining things. Then switched to saying he was just frustrated our son wouldn’t go to sleep. Then he started saying that he was angry that our son was interrupting our “personal time” and that he was doing it on purpose because the other babies were asleep so why wasn’t he?
Honestly nothing he says makes sense to me. Like my baby boy was just laying there sleepy and he would’ve fallen back to sleep by himself that bastard actually woke him up with his pinching and insults.
He says he went in their room to check up on them and I call bullshit on that he went in there to torment my children. Who in their right mind whispers death to two sleeping babies and a another half asleep baby?!
Did he tell you that over phone or text?
This was on a call which I’ve recorded!
*****Update Post 2: April 10, 2024 (3 weeks after OG post)****\*
Title: How did it go so wrong? For my (36f) birthday he (42m) broke into the house?
Every conversation with him (42m) feels like I’m (36f) losing my mind. The only thing that has kept me semi-sane and able to track what he has been doing is my audio journal and my posts on here.
Last week it was my thirty sixth birthday. Actually I had forgotten it was my birthday and was reminded by my sister that it was in fact my birthday. I decided I couldn’t mope around the house and I got my kids dressed to go shopping and get groceries. We got back and I put away half of the groceries but my babies were fussy and so to tire them out and ready them for bed we went for a walk. When I got back home he was in the kitchen cooking and putting away some of the groceries I had left out. He greeted me and acted normal. I didn’t react because his entire demeanour was freaking me out so I played along. I went upstairs and got the kids down. I did think of walking out the front door but he was kind of anticipating it and so he was following me around and I thought in the moment that the best thing I could do was to get my kids upstairs and away from him. He said he wanted to talk and clear the air because this has “gone on too long”.
We had a long conversation and it started out reasonable but eventually spiralled out of control. We got into physical confrontation because I refused to let him stay. He tried to physically intimidate me and he, well hurt me. While he was hurting me I was still able to contact the police. It took them a excruciatingly long 20/25 minutes to get there.
So here I am sitting with two completely black and blue eyes, a busted lip, swollen face,massive knots on my head and bruises all over. I don’t know what happened to my life or how I got here but here I am. I can’t even look my neighbors in the eyes. I can’t go outside without seeing the shocked faces of people.
I have never felt so ashamed, so humiliated, so hurt and so utterly stupid. I thought I made all the right choices in life. What did I do wrong? When did it all get so fucked? I mean I think I did everything right? Like I created a stable life for myself then picked a man that at time was a very loving partner, I married that man and waited five years before even going through the process of having children with him and now once I’ve had his children he’s just beating on me and our babies?
Edit: My sister is now aware of what’s been happening and she is supporting me as best as she can. I have plans to move out but since I’m not working right now I need some time to save up.
His family is also aware. His family refused to believe that I saw him hurt our child but they can’t deny this attack now that they’ve seen my bruises. Also yes he was arrested and he was bailed out by his brother. He’s currently staying with his brother.
Relevant Comments:
I’m in contact with a dv organization that my lawyer has put me in contact with. I did have a locksmith come out and I have new locks. I also have a couple of safety locks for my windows, and security cameras around the house and I changed our security code but honestly he doesn’t give a shit.
He despite it all broke in and beat the living shit out of me.
Making the audio journal:
I really didn’t make my audio journal to use as evidence. I literally made it because he makes me feel like I’m insane! I never know which version of him I’ll get at any given time. I also keep my journal to keep track of what he says. Every conversation with him makes me lose grip of my fleeting sanity.
Leaving the house:
The biggest reason I haven’t left my home is because he would without a doubt say I abducted the children! I’m already withholding my children from him since I caught him hurting my six month old son.
On advice of my lawyer I have stayed put. It’s my best option for now and it shows that I’ve been reasonably measured in my actions.
Restraining order?
I am in the process of getting one.
Update Post 3: April 25, 2024 (15 days later, almost 6 weeks from OG post)
Title: It was all for the love of another woman? Who barely knew of his existence? He (42m) hurt my (36f) children to further his own selfish desires
I say all of this without exaggeration. I am certain he was getting ready to kill us. After nearly 8 months of turmoil I’m finally close to understanding.
My soon to be ex husband is in love with a woman he came across on social media and he has been obsessing over her for at least a year. She also happens to be a sex worker and he was paying her for her time and attention. In his mind he believed they could have a future together if only he could get rid of my children and me. Even though this woman gave him no inkling that she even wanted to be with him. He has spent so much of our money on this woman. I am at a loss for words that could accurately describe the situation. I can barely believe half of the things he’s been up to.
I’ve spent the past few weeks playing detective and I finally decided to contact “Jessica”. This is obviously not her name but I need to call her something. I contacted Jessica and at first she was very reluctant to speak to me but I literally begged her to and she was kind enough to get on the phone with me.
She told me that she had been seeing him for awhile but she stopped seeing him because he started to scare her. He was sending her unhinged messages and voicemails. He had been stalking her and trying to convince her to be with him. Jessica eventually stopped seeing him and had him blocked and I guess this is when he started to escalate from emotional abuse to physically abusing my children and myself. He was looking for a way out and in his crazy mind, killing us would free him because the only reason Jessica wouldn’t be with him was because me and my children were in the way.
During our long call I also explained to Jessica what had been happening to me and she was genuinely kind and helpful. She also agreed to speak to my lawyer and to send them the thousands of unhinged texts, voicemails and voice notes he sent her. For a little while after our conversation a part of me genuinely hated Jessica and wanted to blame her for everything but the rational part of me pushed out those unreasonable and dangerous thoughts especially after I read his disturbing texts and heard his voicemail/notes to Jessica. She has also been victimized by him.
Honestly there is nothing like listening to your husband and father of your children talk about how you and your children mean nothing to him and how he wishes you were dead. He could’ve just asked for a divorce or just got up and left. I sent him a few texts asking him why? (this was a one time thing and since then I’ve stopped all contact) Why do all of this? Why torment my babies? Why not just walk away? He responded with a message saying any conversation between us should be through our lawyers. His parents have him lawyered up. They know what he’s been up to and they’ve chosen to protect him. His father came to see me and in a not so direct way suggested he could pay me if I stopped talking about what his son has done and was planning on doing. Ever since he broke into the house and pretty much tried to kill me I’ve told anyone who’d listen what he has done. At this point even his colleagues know.
Relevant Comments:
I have emergency custody of my kids and a protective order. I’m in the process of getting two trained guard dogs haven’t gotten very far though and I have a security system.
I’m also seriously considering a gun. More than seriously actually I’ve applied for a permit. Of course I do plan on taking lessons in gun safety and training.
Be careful with the dogs, he may just kill them:
He probably would but the few seconds to minutes he needs in order to do that is perhaps the chance I need to save my children and myself.
This may seem horrible to you but I rather have them as a buffer then my children getting harmed. I of course don’t want this to happen but I’m in a situation now where I need to do everything I can to protect my children.
His parents:
Oh they really are bastards and refuse to believe their precious son could ever do the things he’s done despite the fact that I installed security cameras after I caught him abusing my babies and despite the fact that my neighbors have signed witness statements attesting to the fact that they saw him break into my house and attack me. They’ve seen the police report. They’ve seen the pictures of my battered face and bruised body. They are feigning ignorance but they know, and I know they know.
You don't want to give him ammunition in the divorce- maybe stop telling people?
Actually me telling people has been the best thing I’ve done so far. It’s what has kept me safe. My neighbors now look out for his car and call the police if they see he’s anywhere near the house.
What was he like before all of this? Were there any signs?
We’ve been married for nearly 8 years. Will actually be 8 years in 2 months. We never had any issues. Sure we had minor squabbles but that was few and far in between. Never did I have any issues that would lead me to think that he’d try to hurt us let alone kill us.
It was during my pregnancy and birth that he became verbally and emotionally abusive, this is also the time period he met Jessica and started fantasizing about running away with her. He was angry and jealous that my attention was more on the pregnancy and the babies and this built resentment towards me and my children. It also pushed him more into his obsession with Jessica and when he was also rejected by her, he spiraled into this insane mindset. At the same time he escalated into verbally and physically abusing our infant children and when I found out he hurt my children, I attacked him. I caught him hurting my son and we physically fought and my neighbors called the police and he was escorted out of the house. Then he came back and broke into the house, he attacked me and beat me into a bloody mess. He was arrested for this. I’ve since attained a lawyer and I’ve been granted emergency custody and a protective order.
Again- why isn't he in jail?
He’s out on bail.
Update Post 3: May 11, 2024 (2+ weeks later)
Editor's note: This post was deleted by reddit. I have transcribed it from this youtube video and this tiktok video
Title: My (36f) husband (42m) has been arrested for stalking and attempting to abduct his former “mistress”.
Last week Thursday at approximately 2:00 AM in the morning, my (36F) husband (42m) of nearly 8 years was arrested outside of Jessica's house, (the sex worker he met online and used to pay to spend time with him until he started to creep her out by his stalking and obsession.)
When he was arrested, they found in his truck small baggies with drug residue and they also found tools of abduction. I honestly do not know what these are exactly.
My soon to be ex FIL called me at around 4:45/4:50 AM to tell me that his son was arrested. My FIL was the one who used the term tools of abduction. When I asked him what the hell that means, he said he didn't have time for my interrogation tactics. He then asked if I could help them find a lawyer for him and to stand by his son throughout all of this. When I said to him "how the hell am I supposed to find a lawyer this early in the morning," he lost his shit and then was just screaming.
My soon to be ex MIL took over the phone, telling me that I'm a goddamn b****, and that all this is my fault. I hung up before she could say anymore.
I never knew this man to take drugs. Sure, he drank occasionally, but hard drugs? I honestly don't know what's happening anymore or how I got here. I mean it does make sense he was on cocaine the past 7/8 months now that I look back at things.
I mean, I don't even know anything about drugs to be able to recognize the behavior pattern, but once I researched it, it seemed clear. The moodiness, the disappearances, the lies, the anger, the sudden outburst and the violence- it all points to drug usage, as well as him being an abusive piece of shit.
His parents and the rest of his family had called and texted me so much abusive shit and they occasionally switched to begging me to go see him or pick up his calls, but I've mainly ignored them. I don't have the time, the energy or the love that is needed to be there for this man and his parents. I've given him eight years of my love and affection, and he spat it back into my face during the hardest and most vulnerable time of my life
Also, why would they think I'd help him after everything he's done? Especially since I think he deserves to be in jail for not only hurting my children, but also for hurting myself and Jessica.
I hope and pray he's jailed for the rest of his natural life. I mean I've tried being a good wife, but he has attacked my children. He has attacked me. He has lied and tormented us, and I'm supposed to help him?
I don't even know how I got here. How did we get here?
I've packed everything up and I'm leaving. I'm disappearing with my kids, and anything else between me and these people can be handled through my lawyer. The only person who knows where I'm moving to is my lawyer and my sister. I mean what else can I do to protect my children? His entire family blames me. And how do I keep my head high when I'm now being treated like I'm an evil and disgusting person by pretty much everyone I once called a family? These people are trying to destroy me inside and out, and I don't know how to survive them. How am I supposed to rebuild my life when they won't stop tormenting me?
In less than a year of their birth, I've managed to fail my children...
TLDR: My soon to be ex-husband was arrested while stalking his former mistress/sex worker and during his arrest they found drug residue and tools for abduction
Relevant Comments:
Change your surname/the kids' surnames:
My kids and I have double-barreled surnames (my surname and their dads) but when I can we will drop his and we’ll all go by just mine.
People blaming OOP:
The sad fucking thing it’s not only his parents. It seems like everyone is blaming me.
OOP's response to a crappy (now deleted) comment:
“ You need to discover the reasons why you failed to notice or do anything about everything that was going on with him. You have to build skills so you can take full ownership over your own life.”
This genuinely has me fucking raging right now! I feel like everyone keeps blaming me!
And I don’t know why everyone keeps blaming me for his shit! We didn’t have any problems in the previous 7 years of our marriage. He started doing drugs during my pregnancy and this is when he started to behave abnormally. I tried to get him help because I thought it was depression or the stress of being a new parent.
When I noticed his irritablity, combativeness and generally shitty behavior was more than just depression or jealousy of me spending more time with my new born children, I kicked him out, I got a lawyer and involved the police because there no way in hell I’d stay with someone who hurt my children or let him get away with it and I also made sure to get emergency custody of my children. This is also around the same time when he spiralled into using more drugs. I don’t know what else I could’ve done but I know I took all the right steps when I noticed his escalation!
I’m so sick of everyone acting like I was making him do drugs and like I’m suppose to know that he’d ruin my life after having had a good marriage before he started taking drugs and going out of his mind.
What has your lawyer said about disappearing?
I currently have emergency custody. My lawyer is the one who suggested to disappear (meaning moving to new house and not letting anyone know) because she says this is a time of great danger and I heartily agree. Since my ex-husband first went to look for me at the house but me and my children went to stay somewhere else for a few days because I was scared he’d come back after he broke into the house previously and attacked me.
submitted by LucyAriaRose to BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]
Previous BORU here. New Updates (starting with one from a few months ago and ending with one 7 days old) marked with ****\*
Read trigger warnings
Trigger Warnings: infant abuse; spousal abuse; drug use; stalking; kidnapping attemptMood Spoiler: utterly terrifying and disturbing
Original Post: March 16, 2024
My husband (42m) and I (35f) tried for so long to have our boys and girl. Due to a health issue my husband suffered he developed fertility issues and we had to get medical assistance to be able to have our children because if we didn’t he’d probably never have kids. So we went through fertility treatment. He desperately wanted his own biological children and we spent a fortune just to bring them into the world and now he’s jealous and distant with them?
He’s constantly in competition with his own infant children. If I hold the children he gets frustrated. Any time they take my attention away he gets completely pissy. He’s always in a foul mood, irritable and just down right nasty. I don’t understand it. Why is he like this? Our children are barely 6 months and they won’t stop crying every time he’s near. I feel like they can sense his negativity. I tried talking to him. Ive suggested he take interest in the kids and spend more time with us as a family. I know it can sometimes take a little longer for parents to bond with their children but this is down right scary to experience. He’s full of jealousy and envy. He sees our children as competition to my time and affections.
A few times now he has made comments about feeling frustrated that I still breast feed our children. The thing is we mix feed so he has had ample opportunity to feed them and he just doesn’t. He also said that this (meaning our life&our marriage after children) wasn’t what he thought it would be like. I mean what did he expect? A singular baby cries and three of them cry a lot.
We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 7 years. He wanted these children. He pushed for them and now this. I never thought this would ever be me. I am scared. I am scared for my children. I have tried talking to him but he just brushes me off. I’ve suggested counseling. He refuses. He tells me it’s all in my head. I want to save this marriage but I am scared I won’t be able to and maybe it’s not worth saving.
He comes home later everyday. He avoids us on the weekends and any time he has off. I’m not ashamed to say that I went through his phone and there are a lot flirtatious text between him and a “Jessica”. I don’t think anything has happened between them but it sure looks like they are building up to it. I haven’t said anything because I’m afraid. Where do I go with three children, with no money and no family that can help me? I haven’t worked in two years and I’ve spent all my savings on having these children. My mind is in a complete meltdown. I can’t sleep I can’t think and I’m always exhausted.
What the hell happened? Is this him now forever?
Edit: Some of you are some real evil bastards ! Stop blaming me for him mistreating me! I do not deserve to be treated this way and neither do my kids! Stop messaging me evil things!
Relevant Comments:
Examples of 'competition':
If I’m with the kids and say I’m feeding them he gets upset I’m focusing on them and not him, or as he likes to say I’m fussing over them. He expects they sleep through the night and gets upset when I’m with them instead of in bed with him. He has even made weird comments about me loving them more than him.
Did he really want kids or did YOU want kids?
Due to my husband’s fertility issues he was the one pushing for us to have kids. He knew early on that he had a health condition and wanted us to have children way earlier but I asked if we could wait but then his condition worsened so we agreed to get treatment before he couldn’t have any kids. He desperately wanted to be a father and they are biologically ours. His desire to be a father was one of the qualities I liked about him when we started dating.
I’ve always worked and the plan was for me to stay home for the first 2/3 years and perhaps work part time until the kids were school aged. But that’s out the window now because I don’t want to ever be this vulnerable! I’ve been brushing off my cv and scouring the internet for a job. I will never allow myself to be this vulnerable again.
Does he help at ALL? Do you have a support system you could go to?
He doesn’t help me at all. I take care of our kids on my own. My parents are long gone and my sister is abroad. She stayed with us for the birth and a month after the children were born. She lives in France but she’s due to return home this summer. So I know I’ll have her help when she’s back. But I’m trying not to bother her as she’s going through a divorce.
I’ve suggested couples counseling and he refuses. He says everything is in my head.
I’m actually even crying writing this but I do have a small to go bag in the trunk of my car. Just incase. I feel like I’m not being rational because he doesn’t hurt me or the kids but I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. Like what happened to my happy go lucky husband? Who’s this person I’m afraid of?
Are they his biologically? Did you guys go to a support group for infertility treatment?
We didn’t use any sperm or egg donations. The kids are his and mine biologically.
We also went to a support group, two support groups actually. One of them was for couples and the other for men experiencing infertility. He also went to individual therapy to deal with his emotional issues around infertility.
Update Post: March 19, 2024 (3 days later)
Title: He’s (42m) been pinching my (35f) babies?
Thank you to the person who said I should watch his interactions with my babies more closely and frequently. Not even hours after I posted here asking for advice I caught him pinching my son!
While I was scrolling on here and replying to people I decided to check my baby monitor and I watched my husband enter our children’s room and insult them in a hushed and whispery tone. I couldn’t make out much of what he was saying but he was without a doubt telling them that he hated them and wished them dead. Then he pinched my son and my baby boy didn’t even cry which made me think he’s done this many times before.
It all happened so fast and by the time I could make sense of what was happening on the monitor he was already walking down the hallway and down the stairs. At the same time I had lept off the sofa and pretty much tackled him as he came off the stairs. We got into a physical and verbal altercation, we fought, argued and shouted for hours. I guess the police were called by the neighbors because the next thing I know the police are banging on my door. I explained the situation to the police and the officers said that they could not prove that my baby was harmed since he didn’t have a bruise and my baby monitor was only on live feed and not simultaneously recording. Eventually they got my husband to agree to pack a bag and leave. He left reluctantly.
He has since been blowing up my phone begging for forgiveness, talking about how he’s been depressed and stressed by the babies, and that his anxiety and jealousy got the best of him. I just responded once telling him to go fuck himself. I’ve also been in contact with a lawyer and she’s advised me to leave him unblocked incase he further incriminates himself. I don’t even recognize who this man is! Where did this all come from?
How did this happen? Has any other parent experienced this? How did you handle this?
Before y’all start jumping down my throat I am absolutely getting a divorce and I will do everything in my power to get full custody. I did take my children to our family doctor and they are in good health and there are no other signs of abuse. I’ve filled a report with the police and my lawyer is dealing with it. I’m also about to start the process of divorce.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: He just wants more and better access to his victims. This is someone who gets off on hurting children. Actual human beings who are stressed and depressed do not sneak around abusing children for their dopamine hits.
OOP: Exactly! I’m tired, stressed, depressed and I’m physically still not fully healed from the pregnancy and the cesarean birth but not once have I thought of hurting anyone let alone a baby! I don’t buy his bullshit excuses. He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong otherwise he wouldn’t have been sneaking around and being all hush hush. I do not believe him for one second. He’s a goddamn beastly man.Update the monitor to one that records:
I’ve set the monitor up to record now! I’ve also ordered a home security system and will be installing it real soon!
On what OOP is doing to protect them:
I’m doing everything I can to protect them! This all happened a few days ago but I am in the process of getting a temporary restraining order. My lawyer is handling it and I understand it takes some time to actually get one and in the meantime I’ve been advised that I can just deny him visitation until he gets a judgement from the courts that forces me to grant him access to my babies but that takes time. So in the meantime he can’t force me or my babies to see him.
I’ve recorded every call and saved ever text. Literally documenting everything. Thankfully he’s saying and texting a goldmine of incriminating things that I hope would be sufficient information for a judge to give me and my babies a restraining/protective order and for family court to grant me primary and sole custody.
Did you tell him you saw the pinch?
Yes. He at first told me I was imagining things. Then switched to saying he was just frustrated our son wouldn’t go to sleep. Then he started saying that he was angry that our son was interrupting our “personal time” and that he was doing it on purpose because the other babies were asleep so why wasn’t he?
Honestly nothing he says makes sense to me. Like my baby boy was just laying there sleepy and he would’ve fallen back to sleep by himself that bastard actually woke him up with his pinching and insults.
He says he went in their room to check up on them and I call bullshit on that he went in there to torment my children. Who in their right mind whispers death to two sleeping babies and a another half asleep baby?!
Did he tell you that over phone or text?
This was on a call which I’ve recorded!
*****Update Post 2: April 10, 2024 (3 weeks after OG post)****\*
Title: How did it go so wrong? For my (36f) birthday he (42m) broke into the house?
Every conversation with him (42m) feels like I’m (36f) losing my mind. The only thing that has kept me semi-sane and able to track what he has been doing is my audio journal and my posts on here.
Last week it was my thirty sixth birthday. Actually I had forgotten it was my birthday and was reminded by my sister that it was in fact my birthday. I decided I couldn’t mope around the house and I got my kids dressed to go shopping and get groceries. We got back and I put away half of the groceries but my babies were fussy and so to tire them out and ready them for bed we went for a walk. When I got back home he was in the kitchen cooking and putting away some of the groceries I had left out. He greeted me and acted normal. I didn’t react because his entire demeanour was freaking me out so I played along. I went upstairs and got the kids down. I did think of walking out the front door but he was kind of anticipating it and so he was following me around and I thought in the moment that the best thing I could do was to get my kids upstairs and away from him. He said he wanted to talk and clear the air because this has “gone on too long”.
We had a long conversation and it started out reasonable but eventually spiralled out of control. We got into physical confrontation because I refused to let him stay. He tried to physically intimidate me and he, well hurt me. While he was hurting me I was still able to contact the police. It took them a excruciatingly long 20/25 minutes to get there.
So here I am sitting with two completely black and blue eyes, a busted lip, swollen face,massive knots on my head and bruises all over. I don’t know what happened to my life or how I got here but here I am. I can’t even look my neighbors in the eyes. I can’t go outside without seeing the shocked faces of people.
I have never felt so ashamed, so humiliated, so hurt and so utterly stupid. I thought I made all the right choices in life. What did I do wrong? When did it all get so fucked? I mean I think I did everything right? Like I created a stable life for myself then picked a man that at time was a very loving partner, I married that man and waited five years before even going through the process of having children with him and now once I’ve had his children he’s just beating on me and our babies?
Edit: My sister is now aware of what’s been happening and she is supporting me as best as she can. I have plans to move out but since I’m not working right now I need some time to save up.
His family is also aware. His family refused to believe that I saw him hurt our child but they can’t deny this attack now that they’ve seen my bruises. Also yes he was arrested and he was bailed out by his brother. He’s currently staying with his brother.
Relevant Comments:
I’m in contact with a dv organization that my lawyer has put me in contact with. I did have a locksmith come out and I have new locks. I also have a couple of safety locks for my windows, and security cameras around the house and I changed our security code but honestly he doesn’t give a shit.
He despite it all broke in and beat the living shit out of me.
Making the audio journal:
I really didn’t make my audio journal to use as evidence. I literally made it because he makes me feel like I’m insane! I never know which version of him I’ll get at any given time. I also keep my journal to keep track of what he says. Every conversation with him makes me lose grip of my fleeting sanity.
Leaving the house:
The biggest reason I haven’t left my home is because he would without a doubt say I abducted the children! I’m already withholding my children from him since I caught him hurting my six month old son.
On advice of my lawyer I have stayed put. It’s my best option for now and it shows that I’ve been reasonably measured in my actions.
Restraining order?
I am in the process of getting one.
Update Post 3: April 25, 2024 (15 days later, almost 6 weeks from OG post)
Title: It was all for the love of another woman? Who barely knew of his existence? He (42m) hurt my (36f) children to further his own selfish desires
I say all of this without exaggeration. I am certain he was getting ready to kill us. After nearly 8 months of turmoil I’m finally close to understanding.
My soon to be ex husband is in love with a woman he came across on social media and he has been obsessing over her for at least a year. She also happens to be a sex worker and he was paying her for her time and attention. In his mind he believed they could have a future together if only he could get rid of my children and me. Even though this woman gave him no inkling that she even wanted to be with him. He has spent so much of our money on this woman. I am at a loss for words that could accurately describe the situation. I can barely believe half of the things he’s been up to.
I’ve spent the past few weeks playing detective and I finally decided to contact “Jessica”. This is obviously not her name but I need to call her something. I contacted Jessica and at first she was very reluctant to speak to me but I literally begged her to and she was kind enough to get on the phone with me.
She told me that she had been seeing him for awhile but she stopped seeing him because he started to scare her. He was sending her unhinged messages and voicemails. He had been stalking her and trying to convince her to be with him. Jessica eventually stopped seeing him and had him blocked and I guess this is when he started to escalate from emotional abuse to physically abusing my children and myself. He was looking for a way out and in his crazy mind, killing us would free him because the only reason Jessica wouldn’t be with him was because me and my children were in the way.
During our long call I also explained to Jessica what had been happening to me and she was genuinely kind and helpful. She also agreed to speak to my lawyer and to send them the thousands of unhinged texts, voicemails and voice notes he sent her. For a little while after our conversation a part of me genuinely hated Jessica and wanted to blame her for everything but the rational part of me pushed out those unreasonable and dangerous thoughts especially after I read his disturbing texts and heard his voicemail/notes to Jessica. She has also been victimized by him.
Honestly there is nothing like listening to your husband and father of your children talk about how you and your children mean nothing to him and how he wishes you were dead. He could’ve just asked for a divorce or just got up and left. I sent him a few texts asking him why? (this was a one time thing and since then I’ve stopped all contact) Why do all of this? Why torment my babies? Why not just walk away? He responded with a message saying any conversation between us should be through our lawyers. His parents have him lawyered up. They know what he’s been up to and they’ve chosen to protect him. His father came to see me and in a not so direct way suggested he could pay me if I stopped talking about what his son has done and was planning on doing. Ever since he broke into the house and pretty much tried to kill me I’ve told anyone who’d listen what he has done. At this point even his colleagues know.
Relevant Comments:
I have emergency custody of my kids and a protective order. I’m in the process of getting two trained guard dogs haven’t gotten very far though and I have a security system.
I’m also seriously considering a gun. More than seriously actually I’ve applied for a permit. Of course I do plan on taking lessons in gun safety and training.
Be careful with the dogs, he may just kill them:
He probably would but the few seconds to minutes he needs in order to do that is perhaps the chance I need to save my children and myself.
This may seem horrible to you but I rather have them as a buffer then my children getting harmed. I of course don’t want this to happen but I’m in a situation now where I need to do everything I can to protect my children.
His parents:
Oh they really are bastards and refuse to believe their precious son could ever do the things he’s done despite the fact that I installed security cameras after I caught him abusing my babies and despite the fact that my neighbors have signed witness statements attesting to the fact that they saw him break into my house and attack me. They’ve seen the police report. They’ve seen the pictures of my battered face and bruised body. They are feigning ignorance but they know, and I know they know.
You don't want to give him ammunition in the divorce- maybe stop telling people?
Actually me telling people has been the best thing I’ve done so far. It’s what has kept me safe. My neighbors now look out for his car and call the police if they see he’s anywhere near the house.
What was he like before all of this? Were there any signs?
We’ve been married for nearly 8 years. Will actually be 8 years in 2 months. We never had any issues. Sure we had minor squabbles but that was few and far in between. Never did I have any issues that would lead me to think that he’d try to hurt us let alone kill us.
It was during my pregnancy and birth that he became verbally and emotionally abusive, this is also the time period he met Jessica and started fantasizing about running away with her. He was angry and jealous that my attention was more on the pregnancy and the babies and this built resentment towards me and my children. It also pushed him more into his obsession with Jessica and when he was also rejected by her, he spiraled into this insane mindset. At the same time he escalated into verbally and physically abusing our infant children and when I found out he hurt my children, I attacked him. I caught him hurting my son and we physically fought and my neighbors called the police and he was escorted out of the house. Then he came back and broke into the house, he attacked me and beat me into a bloody mess. He was arrested for this. I’ve since attained a lawyer and I’ve been granted emergency custody and a protective order.
Again- why isn't he in jail?
He’s out on bail.
Update Post 3: May 11, 2024 (2+ weeks later)
Editor's note: This post was deleted by reddit. I have transcribed it from this youtube video and this tiktok video
Title: My (36f) husband (42m) has been arrested for stalking and attempting to abduct his former “mistress”.
Last week Thursday at approximately 2:00 AM in the morning, my (36F) husband (42m) of nearly 8 years was arrested outside of Jessica's house, (the sex worker he met online and used to pay to spend time with him until he started to creep her out by his stalking and obsession.)
When he was arrested, they found in his truck small baggies with drug residue and they also found tools of abduction. I honestly do not know what these are exactly.
My soon to be ex FIL called me at around 4:45/4:50 AM to tell me that his son was arrested. My FIL was the one who used the term tools of abduction. When I asked him what the hell that means, he said he didn't have time for my interrogation tactics. He then asked if I could help them find a lawyer for him and to stand by his son throughout all of this. When I said to him "how the hell am I supposed to find a lawyer this early in the morning," he lost his shit and then was just screaming.
My soon to be ex MIL took over the phone, telling me that I'm a goddamn b****, and that all this is my fault. I hung up before she could say anymore.
I never knew this man to take drugs. Sure, he drank occasionally, but hard drugs? I honestly don't know what's happening anymore or how I got here. I mean it does make sense he was on cocaine the past 7/8 months now that I look back at things.
I mean, I don't even know anything about drugs to be able to recognize the behavior pattern, but once I researched it, it seemed clear. The moodiness, the disappearances, the lies, the anger, the sudden outburst and the violence- it all points to drug usage, as well as him being an abusive piece of shit.
His parents and the rest of his family had called and texted me so much abusive shit and they occasionally switched to begging me to go see him or pick up his calls, but I've mainly ignored them. I don't have the time, the energy or the love that is needed to be there for this man and his parents. I've given him eight years of my love and affection, and he spat it back into my face during the hardest and most vulnerable time of my life
Also, why would they think I'd help him after everything he's done? Especially since I think he deserves to be in jail for not only hurting my children, but also for hurting myself and Jessica.
I hope and pray he's jailed for the rest of his natural life. I mean I've tried being a good wife, but he has attacked my children. He has attacked me. He has lied and tormented us, and I'm supposed to help him?
I don't even know how I got here. How did we get here?
I've packed everything up and I'm leaving. I'm disappearing with my kids, and anything else between me and these people can be handled through my lawyer. The only person who knows where I'm moving to is my lawyer and my sister. I mean what else can I do to protect my children? His entire family blames me. And how do I keep my head high when I'm now being treated like I'm an evil and disgusting person by pretty much everyone I once called a family? These people are trying to destroy me inside and out, and I don't know how to survive them. How am I supposed to rebuild my life when they won't stop tormenting me?
In less than a year of their birth, I've managed to fail my children...
TLDR: My soon to be ex-husband was arrested while stalking his former mistress/sex worker and during his arrest they found drug residue and tools for abduction
Relevant Comments:
Change your surname/the kids' surnames:
My kids and I have double-barreled surnames (my surname and their dads) but when I can we will drop his and we’ll all go by just mine.
People blaming OOP:
The sad fucking thing it’s not only his parents. It seems like everyone is blaming me.
OOP's response to a crappy (now deleted) comment:
“ You need to discover the reasons why you failed to notice or do anything about everything that was going on with him. You have to build skills so you can take full ownership over your own life.”
This genuinely has me fucking raging right now! I feel like everyone keeps blaming me!
And I don’t know why everyone keeps blaming me for his shit! We didn’t have any problems in the previous 7 years of our marriage. He started doing drugs during my pregnancy and this is when he started to behave abnormally. I tried to get him help because I thought it was depression or the stress of being a new parent.
When I noticed his irritablity, combativeness and generally shitty behavior was more than just depression or jealousy of me spending more time with my new born children, I kicked him out, I got a lawyer and involved the police because there no way in hell I’d stay with someone who hurt my children or let him get away with it and I also made sure to get emergency custody of my children. This is also around the same time when he spiralled into using more drugs. I don’t know what else I could’ve done but I know I took all the right steps when I noticed his escalation!
I’m so sick of everyone acting like I was making him do drugs and like I’m suppose to know that he’d ruin my life after having had a good marriage before he started taking drugs and going out of his mind.
What has your lawyer said about disappearing?
I currently have emergency custody. My lawyer is the one who suggested to disappear (meaning moving to new house and not letting anyone know) because she says this is a time of great danger and I heartily agree. Since my ex-husband first went to look for me at the house but me and my children went to stay somewhere else for a few days because I was scared he’d come back after he broke into the house previously and attacked me.
2024.05.18 06:15 SwiggleMcDiggle Ryunosuke Naruhodo
Gonna freely spoil main series games up to AJ and the Chronicles Duology.
At this point in the rankdown, we're left with heavy hitters. Even the bit parts, the Caidins, the Menimemos, etc.- they all pull pretty crucial weight in bringing the often cacophonous story of DGS to life. (except olive green, but i don't have that cut in me right now). So now, it is time to kill our darlings.
Let's begin!
Horny media in general has a protagonist problem. I'm not gonna go through the mechanics of it, but if even the neanderthals in animemes have figured it out, I'm comfortable taking it as a given. Let's be honest with ourselves, this trope extends far outside the explicitly pornographic. While SAO Kirito and John NGNL aren't literally faceless, their lack of distinct identity outside of the power fantasy they're designed to conjure is plain as day. This tendency to starve protagonists of distinguishing features so that a player can more easily see themselves in them is narrative poison, as far as I'm concerned. Joel and Ellie from the Last of Us are fifty times easier to put my shoes into than Yu Narukami or Byleth, because the former two are humans that interact dynamically to their surroundings in a tangibly compelling way and the latter two are factitious wooden planks that drain the intrigue and charisma from every scene they're heavily involved in.
All this to say, the term VN protagonist is not a compliment. And the term "VN protagonist" fits Ryunosuke to a T.
I'm going to write a pretty extended breakdown of this guy over the course of two pretty damn long games, but for the sake of a hypothetical uninformed reader, I want to make it explicit that for the vast majority of his time onscreen Ryunosuke's presence is an extremely functional one. Maybe this paragraph is the only one you need to read, because to keep it a buck fifty most of the stuff Ryunosuke does is, like, seeing zany stuff and going, "What the crap!?" or being in trouble and being like "Oh jeez, this is tough!" or articulating the logic the player has already figured out. If a quip needs to be said to reset the emotional tone of a scene, more often or not it's coming out of Ryunosuke's mouth. If the case wants to remind the player of an old clue, the writing team's first instinct is to have Ryunosuke think it to himself. When the game wants to instruct to you how it wants you to feel about a character, Ryunosuke will make some remark about how he feels. This stuff is the blood and bones of storytelling, but honestly Chronicles is so much more inelegant at exposition than most other games in the series and that often hurts Ryunosuke the most. Whereas a lot of Phoenix's dialogue simultaneously serves 2 or 3 purposes, basically everything his ancestor says is uncomfortably on the nose.
Ryunosuke is himself one of the duology's primary selling points, that being his nature as the genesis of the Wright dynasty. Even as a teenager I was kinda skeptical of this premise. I was satisfied with the fact that Wright derived his legacy from Mia Fey and Miles Edgeworth- two people who, by circumstance, came to defend him when he was at his most helpless. The fact that Phoenix was a living soyjak before the grace of his defenders elucidated him to the value of protecting the weak and awakened a burning desire for truth and justice within him was really powerful to me. But I was willing to trust the plan with Ryunosuke, and I was even excited to see how this theme would be iterated on in a different environment. So you can imagine my fucking surprise when Ryunosuke is tricked into defending himself in court and spontaneously realizes that yelling Objection feels uniquely right. The game even goes out of its way to describe this feeling as animalistic, to make it even more clear that this desire within Ryunosuke is part of his inbuilt biology instead of like related to anything sentimental or any bullshit like that.
I also found his presence and banter with other characters really limp. Phoenix and Maya are a classic-style straight man funny man duo, but the dynamic is layered and lived-in. It becomes evident that while Maya is legitimately eccentric she is poignantly aware of the levity her eclectic behavior provides to Phoenix's life, and it's her way (and an effective way at that) for protecting and caring for him and the found family they establish. Phoenix's relative seriousness isn't him being a hardass, but instead comes out of the neuroticism that keeps him rooted as a rookie defense attorney throughout the first three games, which is essential to his characterization as every part of the trilogy relies upon the assumption Phoenix is not yet a fully-formed defense attorney. Chronicles reverses this dynamic, placing Susato as the by-the-books straight man, and Ryunosuke as the weirdo in their interactions together. But what this often results in is the milquetoast facets of Ryunosuke's personality being hyperaccentuated, and the two leads don't really have any chemistry. Ryunosuke does play the straight man to Sholmes, Iris, and Gregson, but none of them have an interesting back and forth. In G1 the other character does something and Ryunosuke is like "wow, that's weird!" and in G2 the other character does something and Ryunosuke is like "wow, that's weird! gotta love it, though."
If there's one thing I've seen people heap praise onto Ryunosuke for it's his "emotional journey." I don't see it. I would absolutely love to ignore it to further facilitate my point, but seeing as this is the penultimate writeup I'll make for this rankdown, I suppose it's worth some due diligence.
The rest of Ryunosuke's arc in the first game sidelines his devotion to Asogi to focus on how he learns to pursue the truth at any cost. Ryunosuke's first trial upon arriving in London is a tragedy, and it drives him to unceasingly chase the truth, even at the cost of his own immediate prestige and legal career. It might just be me, but this arc feels extremely unearned. Every single other protagonist in the series also doggedly pursues the truth. Perhaps more importantly, Ryunosuke never really personally struggles with finding the truth or the consequences of him doing so. He accepts blame in G1-5 for allowing injustice to happen in G1-3, but it's an empty gesture. There's just no way to read G1-3 in a way where Ryunosuke is complicit in injustice coming to pass. Like, what the hell was he supposed to do? Refuse to defend this guy because the vibes were off? The judge literally ends the trial prematurely in McGilded's favor as you stand there helplessly. Because of that, Ryunosuke accepting the blame for what happened two cases later reads a lot less like reconciling any sort of personal values and a lot more like he's just letting the system fuck him in order to save Gina. I guess he also reveals state secrets? But he just gets like a finger wagging at that lol gotta love London.
He doesn't really fare that much better in the second game either, treading water for the first few cases. Ryunosuke's exile presents a unique opportunity- to explore a declawed AA protagonist, to see how they navigate the world when they are not just separated but completely divorced from their beloved Lady Justice. The first game even opened the door for this by having a case without any trial segments and expanding the meaningful interactions that can happen during investigation. Naturally, G2 timeskips over this period straight into another case that Stronghart gives him.
G2-3 does feature what is probably Ryunosuke's most memorable moment in the driver's seat, when he chooses to go after Sithe even after he's already proven Harebrayne innocent. And I want to make it clear that this moment is absolutely phenomenal. The way the music, animation, and the puzzle-solving come together produces a moment with blinding white hot energy that makes my blood pump harder than maybe anything else in the damn game. But, again, for the purpose it plays in Ryunosuke's journey as an AA protagonist, it's pretty fucking disposable. AA has played around with the idea that there's more to finding the truth than just getting your client declared innocent since like, Turnabout Samurai day 3. And choosing to pursue Sithe isn't even Ryunosuke's idea- Sholmes has to have a mysterious moment of seriousness where he has to spell it out to Ryunosuke in advance.
A lot of ink has been spilled about how Susato essentially disappears as a character with agency after the sixth case out of ten, and that's true yeah lol. But I'd invite you to seriously consider how little Ryunosuke's decisions matter in the second game. There's just so much going on, so much to watch, so much to barely keep a lid on, that Ryunosuke ends up just standing where people tell him to stand for the length of the game. His relationship with Asogi, Sholmes, and Stronghart adds a lot of emotional weight to the final trials, but scarce little comes from what Ryunosuke actually does. Instead, it's that he happens to be there at all, vaguely doing lawyer things. Even in the final climactic sequences of the game, it often doesn't even feel like Stronghart is really fighting you, more often he's fighting Asogi, Van Zieks, or one of the other witnesses. And don't get me started on the very very end. For all that people argue Phoenix Wright takes the wind out of Apollo's sails in 4-4, at least Phoenix doesn't literally show up in the climax of the case, dance around, and personally deliver the final blow to villain.
Listen, it's not impossible to to weave a meaningful, even interesting story out of the shit that happens to Ryunosuke. But I keep finding myself wondering whether any of this shit actually has anything to do with Ryunosuke as a guy or just the inherent consequences of the circumstances he's found himself in. At all parts of Ryunosuke's arc, the writers wanted to have their cake and eat it too. The game expects you to believe that Ryunosuke has a near-divine aptitude for the law as he discovers something akin to a bloodlust for the truth in G1-1, and yet at the same time he's a reluctant entrant to the legal system who makes his decision to pursue the law in order to fulfill the legacy of a friend. Ryunosuke has to learn a vital lesson and accept blame for the truth being lost in the past in G1-5, and yet the game is too afraid of making him any rougher or less relatable to make him actually culpable of anything going wrong in the tragedy of G1-3. The game thematically positions him as the humble, foreign cure to the disease spreading in London, and yet at the same time it feels reluctant to give him any distinct value or trait that makes him successful at what he does.
Every part of Ryunosuke's journey is prescribed to him. Yujin tells him to raise his hand up in G1-1, he's forced to defend himself in G1-2, Asogi leaves behind the perfect spot for him to fill, and Stronghart assigns him to McGilded in G1-3. He's handed desperate, transparently innocent clients that are ingrained into his immediate social vicinity in G1-4, G1-5, and G2-2. In G2-3, he's handed Harebrayne's case by Stronghart, and he has his important decision dictated to him by Sholmes before the second day of trial. The finale of the game being to defend the edgelord prosecutor (who's really not so bad of a guy after all) does not do anything to dispel the feeling of going through the motions. And then he goes back to Japan.
Did he really gain anything in London? Did London really gain anything from him being there?
His banter on occasion feels a little bit more lived in than Ryunosuke's, but for every remark he makes that expands the world, he'll make 3 more that recap obvious information and pad for time. He often feels like he collects points with the community simply by being around, but his presence never feels crucial. When the player is placed in Maya's sandals in 2-4, there's an extra layer of discomfort from being distanced from Phoenix's perspective that adds to Maya's anguish. When the player occupies Mia's perspective in T&T, it adds a layer of uncanniness to the proceedings that finally reaches its cartharsis in the tragic end of 3-4. But it never feels unnatural to leave Ryunosuke's perspective to do a filler case as Susato or do a set piece as Sholmes and Mikotoba. Ryunosuke's presence is never missed.
At the end of the day, I don't need a protagonist to be deep. The phrase "simple but effective" is perhaps considered blasphemy around here but the enduring power of Indiana Jones and Rocky Balboa is not lost on me. But I do need a protagonist to be something. What did they really do with Ryunosuke? He was sold as a rebirth. When I first played the games, I felt he was a rehash. Having matured in my love for the franchise, he feels like a regression.
There's a cruel, brutal pragmatist in me that has been playing the Devil's Advocate in my head the entire time I've been writing this cut. While this whole rankdown business is about separating characters and evaluating them purely as individuals, no individual part of a story exists exists without context. At the end of the day, the goal of writing a character isn't necessarily to make them the intrinsically "best" character possible, but instead to elevate and make the best possible contribution to the story they're a part of. It's an unsexy thought for sure, but there's wisdom in it. If you caught me on vacation with a beer in my hand, you might even get me to admit the following- in a story that's more about a place than it is about any one person, perhaps the most functional protagonist is one that can most efficiently witness the environment around them. After all, being an avatar for the player is perhaps the single most important role for a video game protagonist, and so it's okay for a hero to exist largely as a focal lens.
And perhaps that's true. But I'm not gonna be putting them on any of my top 10 lists.
submitted by SwiggleMcDiggle to TGAACrankdown [link] [comments]
At this point in the rankdown, we're left with heavy hitters. Even the bit parts, the Caidins, the Menimemos, etc.- they all pull pretty crucial weight in bringing the often cacophonous story of DGS to life. (except olive green, but i don't have that cut in me right now). So now, it is time to kill our darlings.
Let's begin!
There Goes My Hero
Travis Touchdown: "Wait a sec. You want me to tie up all these loose ends? I don't think so." Henry: "You're the protagonist. I'm just a cool, handsome foil who happens to be your twin brother. Hate to say it, but it's your job." -No More HeroesFor all the good the medium has done us it's often hard to deny the mainstream appearance of the visual novel as something of an artistic ghetto (especially when directly compared to its non-visual counterpart). Even a reader who attributes no value at all to prose or literary theory can't deny that, for example, the prevalence of casual sexual violence in visual novels is at the very least a bad look. At risk of belaboring the point- this isn't a Japan thing, or at least not entirely. Visual novels specifically, with so much of their artisanal and traditional roots housed in good old 1990s ecchi and dojinsoft, have evolved let's call them "adaptational features" that linger even in the genre's gelded contemporaries. Even nonsexual, "serious" VNs like sci;adv still retain things like heroine routes and adapted reputation systems from the dating sims of yore.
Horny media in general has a protagonist problem. I'm not gonna go through the mechanics of it, but if even the neanderthals in animemes have figured it out, I'm comfortable taking it as a given. Let's be honest with ourselves, this trope extends far outside the explicitly pornographic. While SAO Kirito and John NGNL aren't literally faceless, their lack of distinct identity outside of the power fantasy they're designed to conjure is plain as day. This tendency to starve protagonists of distinguishing features so that a player can more easily see themselves in them is narrative poison, as far as I'm concerned. Joel and Ellie from the Last of Us are fifty times easier to put my shoes into than Yu Narukami or Byleth, because the former two are humans that interact dynamically to their surroundings in a tangibly compelling way and the latter two are factitious wooden planks that drain the intrigue and charisma from every scene they're heavily involved in.
All this to say, the term VN protagonist is not a compliment. And the term "VN protagonist" fits Ryunosuke to a T.
I'm going to write a pretty extended breakdown of this guy over the course of two pretty damn long games, but for the sake of a hypothetical uninformed reader, I want to make it explicit that for the vast majority of his time onscreen Ryunosuke's presence is an extremely functional one. Maybe this paragraph is the only one you need to read, because to keep it a buck fifty most of the stuff Ryunosuke does is, like, seeing zany stuff and going, "What the crap!?" or being in trouble and being like "Oh jeez, this is tough!" or articulating the logic the player has already figured out. If a quip needs to be said to reset the emotional tone of a scene, more often or not it's coming out of Ryunosuke's mouth. If the case wants to remind the player of an old clue, the writing team's first instinct is to have Ryunosuke think it to himself. When the game wants to instruct to you how it wants you to feel about a character, Ryunosuke will make some remark about how he feels. This stuff is the blood and bones of storytelling, but honestly Chronicles is so much more inelegant at exposition than most other games in the series and that often hurts Ryunosuke the most. Whereas a lot of Phoenix's dialogue simultaneously serves 2 or 3 purposes, basically everything his ancestor says is uncomfortably on the nose.
Ryunosuke is himself one of the duology's primary selling points, that being his nature as the genesis of the Wright dynasty. Even as a teenager I was kinda skeptical of this premise. I was satisfied with the fact that Wright derived his legacy from Mia Fey and Miles Edgeworth- two people who, by circumstance, came to defend him when he was at his most helpless. The fact that Phoenix was a living soyjak before the grace of his defenders elucidated him to the value of protecting the weak and awakened a burning desire for truth and justice within him was really powerful to me. But I was willing to trust the plan with Ryunosuke, and I was even excited to see how this theme would be iterated on in a different environment. So you can imagine my fucking surprise when Ryunosuke is tricked into defending himself in court and spontaneously realizes that yelling Objection feels uniquely right. The game even goes out of its way to describe this feeling as animalistic, to make it even more clear that this desire within Ryunosuke is part of his inbuilt biology instead of like related to anything sentimental or any bullshit like that.
I also found his presence and banter with other characters really limp. Phoenix and Maya are a classic-style straight man funny man duo, but the dynamic is layered and lived-in. It becomes evident that while Maya is legitimately eccentric she is poignantly aware of the levity her eclectic behavior provides to Phoenix's life, and it's her way (and an effective way at that) for protecting and caring for him and the found family they establish. Phoenix's relative seriousness isn't him being a hardass, but instead comes out of the neuroticism that keeps him rooted as a rookie defense attorney throughout the first three games, which is essential to his characterization as every part of the trilogy relies upon the assumption Phoenix is not yet a fully-formed defense attorney. Chronicles reverses this dynamic, placing Susato as the by-the-books straight man, and Ryunosuke as the weirdo in their interactions together. But what this often results in is the milquetoast facets of Ryunosuke's personality being hyperaccentuated, and the two leads don't really have any chemistry. Ryunosuke does play the straight man to Sholmes, Iris, and Gregson, but none of them have an interesting back and forth. In G1 the other character does something and Ryunosuke is like "wow, that's weird!" and in G2 the other character does something and Ryunosuke is like "wow, that's weird! gotta love it, though."
If there's one thing I've seen people heap praise onto Ryunosuke for it's his "emotional journey." I don't see it. I would absolutely love to ignore it to further facilitate my point, but seeing as this is the penultimate writeup I'll make for this rankdown, I suppose it's worth some due diligence.
The Tale of Ryunosuke Naruhodo
"Men who are trapped by the chains of ‘maybe’ will never reach their dreams." -Ancient Chinese ProverbThe first two cases of the duology are honestly some of the most bizarre storytelling in the entire series in terms of the protagonist's arc. Through an insanely convoluted set of coincidences that would make the Soseki cases balk, Ryunosuke Naruhodo has the dubious honor of being the only AA MC to accidentally become a defense attorney. That doesn't bother me by itself, but it's a frankly bizarre amount of effort to establish this specific relationship between Ryunosuke and the law by the beginning of G1-3. In short: Naruhodo has demonstrable talent with the law, but he's still a fish out of water, and he's largely doing it out of devotion to his past and present friends. The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles takes about 10 hours to get to that point. Ace Attorney 1 gets there in less than fifteen minutes.
The rest of Ryunosuke's arc in the first game sidelines his devotion to Asogi to focus on how he learns to pursue the truth at any cost. Ryunosuke's first trial upon arriving in London is a tragedy, and it drives him to unceasingly chase the truth, even at the cost of his own immediate prestige and legal career. It might just be me, but this arc feels extremely unearned. Every single other protagonist in the series also doggedly pursues the truth. Perhaps more importantly, Ryunosuke never really personally struggles with finding the truth or the consequences of him doing so. He accepts blame in G1-5 for allowing injustice to happen in G1-3, but it's an empty gesture. There's just no way to read G1-3 in a way where Ryunosuke is complicit in injustice coming to pass. Like, what the hell was he supposed to do? Refuse to defend this guy because the vibes were off? The judge literally ends the trial prematurely in McGilded's favor as you stand there helplessly. Because of that, Ryunosuke accepting the blame for what happened two cases later reads a lot less like reconciling any sort of personal values and a lot more like he's just letting the system fuck him in order to save Gina. I guess he also reveals state secrets? But he just gets like a finger wagging at that lol gotta love London.
He doesn't really fare that much better in the second game either, treading water for the first few cases. Ryunosuke's exile presents a unique opportunity- to explore a declawed AA protagonist, to see how they navigate the world when they are not just separated but completely divorced from their beloved Lady Justice. The first game even opened the door for this by having a case without any trial segments and expanding the meaningful interactions that can happen during investigation. Naturally, G2 timeskips over this period straight into another case that Stronghart gives him.
G2-3 does feature what is probably Ryunosuke's most memorable moment in the driver's seat, when he chooses to go after Sithe even after he's already proven Harebrayne innocent. And I want to make it clear that this moment is absolutely phenomenal. The way the music, animation, and the puzzle-solving come together produces a moment with blinding white hot energy that makes my blood pump harder than maybe anything else in the damn game. But, again, for the purpose it plays in Ryunosuke's journey as an AA protagonist, it's pretty fucking disposable. AA has played around with the idea that there's more to finding the truth than just getting your client declared innocent since like, Turnabout Samurai day 3. And choosing to pursue Sithe isn't even Ryunosuke's idea- Sholmes has to have a mysterious moment of seriousness where he has to spell it out to Ryunosuke in advance.
A lot of ink has been spilled about how Susato essentially disappears as a character with agency after the sixth case out of ten, and that's true yeah lol. But I'd invite you to seriously consider how little Ryunosuke's decisions matter in the second game. There's just so much going on, so much to watch, so much to barely keep a lid on, that Ryunosuke ends up just standing where people tell him to stand for the length of the game. His relationship with Asogi, Sholmes, and Stronghart adds a lot of emotional weight to the final trials, but scarce little comes from what Ryunosuke actually does. Instead, it's that he happens to be there at all, vaguely doing lawyer things. Even in the final climactic sequences of the game, it often doesn't even feel like Stronghart is really fighting you, more often he's fighting Asogi, Van Zieks, or one of the other witnesses. And don't get me started on the very very end. For all that people argue Phoenix Wright takes the wind out of Apollo's sails in 4-4, at least Phoenix doesn't literally show up in the climax of the case, dance around, and personally deliver the final blow to villain.
Listen, it's not impossible to to weave a meaningful, even interesting story out of the shit that happens to Ryunosuke. But I keep finding myself wondering whether any of this shit actually has anything to do with Ryunosuke as a guy or just the inherent consequences of the circumstances he's found himself in. At all parts of Ryunosuke's arc, the writers wanted to have their cake and eat it too. The game expects you to believe that Ryunosuke has a near-divine aptitude for the law as he discovers something akin to a bloodlust for the truth in G1-1, and yet at the same time he's a reluctant entrant to the legal system who makes his decision to pursue the law in order to fulfill the legacy of a friend. Ryunosuke has to learn a vital lesson and accept blame for the truth being lost in the past in G1-5, and yet the game is too afraid of making him any rougher or less relatable to make him actually culpable of anything going wrong in the tragedy of G1-3. The game thematically positions him as the humble, foreign cure to the disease spreading in London, and yet at the same time it feels reluctant to give him any distinct value or trait that makes him successful at what he does.
Every part of Ryunosuke's journey is prescribed to him. Yujin tells him to raise his hand up in G1-1, he's forced to defend himself in G1-2, Asogi leaves behind the perfect spot for him to fill, and Stronghart assigns him to McGilded in G1-3. He's handed desperate, transparently innocent clients that are ingrained into his immediate social vicinity in G1-4, G1-5, and G2-2. In G2-3, he's handed Harebrayne's case by Stronghart, and he has his important decision dictated to him by Sholmes before the second day of trial. The finale of the game being to defend the edgelord prosecutor (who's really not so bad of a guy after all) does not do anything to dispel the feeling of going through the motions. And then he goes back to Japan.
Did he really gain anything in London? Did London really gain anything from him being there?
The End of a Hero
"The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world." -Skibidi ToiletThe widespread response to Ryunosuke kinda... shocks me? Even given everything I've written, I don't think bro is like bottom 5, but I've seen people say that Ryunosuke is like one of the best characters in the game. And, like, what? I legitimately believe that Phoenix is one of the strongest characters in the OT, but Ryunosuke? Did I play the same game as everyone else?
His banter on occasion feels a little bit more lived in than Ryunosuke's, but for every remark he makes that expands the world, he'll make 3 more that recap obvious information and pad for time. He often feels like he collects points with the community simply by being around, but his presence never feels crucial. When the player is placed in Maya's sandals in 2-4, there's an extra layer of discomfort from being distanced from Phoenix's perspective that adds to Maya's anguish. When the player occupies Mia's perspective in T&T, it adds a layer of uncanniness to the proceedings that finally reaches its cartharsis in the tragic end of 3-4. But it never feels unnatural to leave Ryunosuke's perspective to do a filler case as Susato or do a set piece as Sholmes and Mikotoba. Ryunosuke's presence is never missed.
At the end of the day, I don't need a protagonist to be deep. The phrase "simple but effective" is perhaps considered blasphemy around here but the enduring power of Indiana Jones and Rocky Balboa is not lost on me. But I do need a protagonist to be something. What did they really do with Ryunosuke? He was sold as a rebirth. When I first played the games, I felt he was a rehash. Having matured in my love for the franchise, he feels like a regression.
There's a cruel, brutal pragmatist in me that has been playing the Devil's Advocate in my head the entire time I've been writing this cut. While this whole rankdown business is about separating characters and evaluating them purely as individuals, no individual part of a story exists exists without context. At the end of the day, the goal of writing a character isn't necessarily to make them the intrinsically "best" character possible, but instead to elevate and make the best possible contribution to the story they're a part of. It's an unsexy thought for sure, but there's wisdom in it. If you caught me on vacation with a beer in my hand, you might even get me to admit the following- in a story that's more about a place than it is about any one person, perhaps the most functional protagonist is one that can most efficiently witness the environment around them. After all, being an avatar for the player is perhaps the single most important role for a video game protagonist, and so it's okay for a hero to exist largely as a focal lens.
And perhaps that's true. But I'm not gonna be putting them on any of my top 10 lists.
2024.05.18 06:13 MeFukina For lDreaml girl
lDreamtlwokeup
God gave us free will. But just because we can think any thought, do any action and create anything...doesn't mean we should. The tree of knowledge included evil/fear. God warned Adam (man) not to eat from it. But because Adam had free will he did anyways. Adam learned about evil and it was so horrific he didn't fall asleep...he fainted and hasn't yet awaken.
Healing from fear is important. But embracing it and "allowing it to come in" is not. That is the logic of a fallen one.
Say I have a fear of having my hand cut off. Do I "let it in" to show it has no meaning? Do I chop off my hand to prove my fear is meaningless and my hand is an illusion? What you advocate is not too dissimilar to this.
There is a consistent theme and pattern in your teachings. Whether you realize it or not, you teach that there are no boundaries (figuratively or literally). This is not a proper spiritual teaching. Spiritual text absolutely establish boundaries. The Course is a good example of this. It tells us to be wary and vigilant of the ego. We are to setup boundaries to keep the ego away and from intruding into our real mind. The Course wants us to practice spiritual discernment. You do not. You have torn down all your mental fences and your ego has escaped to run rampant and ruin your life. You have ignored your guides who have implored you to practice mental discipline and reestablish your will and boundaries. Worse yet, you then teach others how to free their egos to in turn ruin their lives.
Dreaml
🌷 Fukina
****The tree of knowledge included evil/fear. God warned Adam (man) not to eat from it. But because Adam had free will he did anyways. Adam learned about evil and it was so horrific he didn't fall asleep...he fainted and hasn't yet awaken.*****
You know, there are about 5 ideas here that go directly against the course's concepts. And this is not in the course.
Ch. 14, Vii, 2
2 The search for truth is but the honest searching out of everything that interferes with truth. Truth is. It can neither be lost nor sought nor found. It is there, wherever you are, being within you. Yet it can be recognized or unrecognized, real or false to you. If you hide it, it becomes unreal to you because you hid it and surrounded it with fear. Under each cornerstone of fear on which you have erected your insane system of belief, the truth lies hidden. Yet you cannot know this, for by hiding truth in fear, you see no reason to believe that the more you look at fear the less you see it, and the clearer what it conceals becomes.
Fukina 1 yr
This is just a very small thing that I do and it may sound like not it, but it helps me to start to back up from whatever emotion.. I ask, 'what is' really bugging me?' help me jesus. I walk around the house doing whatever 'it', the HS says to do, I can tell by how I feel, I tell myself I have all the time in the world. So I do things, am focused on nothing really. My eyes are just landing on things and I take care of them. I am not focused on the situation but it comes in the anger or insights, I let it ALL come and go through the mind, I let the thoughts finish themselves. Whatever thoughts are there, do not stuff them, allow. Allow yourself room, and to trust God who is in your mind. He has No judgement on you, no punishment He is your Friend and your help. He judges FOR you. Your anger thoughts are meaningless, so there is nothing to feel guilty for... but we want to hear what the egoic mind is telling us, what am I falsely believing?.let it speak. God is in control not your egoic thoughts, they are nothing. God has your 'situation' already solved. Don't grasp for the answer, it will come at exactly the right time. A lot of my answers start with, 'well, maybe...'
Listen. All thoughts.
I also, if I start getting anxious, call on Jesus. In the gaps between thoughts, there is Love 💕
That is the' logic of a fallen one.' really? Wow. I am as God created Me.
We do not have free will as to whether our Father loves us or not. And we CANNOT separate from Him. Praise God. His loving plan for each of us saves, saved us already. Love is freedom.acim. The egoic self tries to bind us.
Why would you feel the need to cut your hand off to prove Anything? That's a little nutty.
The practice I suggested was a contemplation with Jesus or HS invited to help, I never suggested any physical harm to anyone. What I suggested was to watch and listen and to allow All thoughts. Otherwise you fight with them, When you are the observer you aren't caught in the fear, you may experience some fear but if you allow mind to think it's thoughts, while You watch and 'catch' the thoughts that go along with it and sit with the temporary discomfort, it will 'heal' itself, You find the fear no longer has the meaning you gave it.
It is bringing illusioñ to the truth within.
Yes, Jesus says to practice vigilance. He also says about the ego...don't try to control it, don't get angry at it.... What you resist persists is what I have learned. Vigilance? Would need to be better defined. Imo. Fighting with fear makes illusions If we face our fears, now, it is part of the purificatin process. Sounds like you're afraid of fear.
Amy Torres
The purification process in A Course in Miracles (ACIM) involves letting go of false beliefs, accepting the truth, and stepping into simultaneity. This process allows people to see everything as connected energy instead of time and space. It also involves opening the mind to God's Thought and practicing forgiveness.
The process of purification can help people:
Release guilt
Learn their sanctity
Find the true meaning behind all form
Overlook the dream of separation
Learn that only Love is everywhere
Be led past the clouds of fear to the Light of Love
Be purified of fear
Accept the Love we all are
The ACIM purification process involves:
releasing false beliefs
Accepting the truth
Stepping into simultaneity
Opening the mind to God's Thought
Practicing forgiveness
Recognizing Who you already are
The process can also help people discern between ego and the Holy Spirit, and give attention only to the latter.
Junnies 1 yr.
The 'boundary' of your sister in law is a reflection of the 'boundary' in your own mind, the streak of anger that cuts you off from your loving joyful light flow state. Just as there is still drama between your husband' side, there is still ego-drama in your own mind, some unresolved ego-feelings and thoughts, surfacing for you to love and accept and release!
2 The search for truth is but the honest searching out of everything that interferes with truth. Truth is. It can neither be lost nor sought nor found. It is there, wherever you are, being within you. Yet it can be recognized or unrecognized, real or false to you. If you hide it, it becomes unreal to you because you hid it and surrounded it with fear. Under each cornerstone of fear on which you have erected your insane system of belief, the truth lies hidden. Yet you cannot know this, for by hiding truth in fear, you see no reason to believe that the more you look at fear the less you see it, and the clearer what it conceals becomes.
Lesson 240 Fear is not justified in any form (ACIM, W-240)
Fear is deception.
How foolish are our fears! ²Would You allow Your Son to suffer? ³Give us faith today to recognize Your Son, and set him free. ⁴Let us forgive him in Your Name, that we may understand his holiness, and feel the love for him which is Your Own as well. (ACIM, W-240.1:1;2:1-4)
Lesson 14
God did not make a meaningless world.
The idea for today is, of course, the reason why a meaningless world is impossible. ²What God did not create does not exist. ³And everything that does exist exists as He created it. ⁴The world you see has nothing to do with reality. ⁵It is of your own making, and it does not exist. (ACIM, W-14.1:1-5
Fukina We do not have free will as to whether our Father loves us or not. And we CANNOT separate from Him. Praise God. His loving plan for each of us saves, saved us already. Love is freedom.acim. The egoic self tried to bind us.
Why would you feel the need to cut your hand off to prove anything? The practice I suggested was a contemplation with Jesus or HS invited to help, I never suggested any physical harm to anyone. What I suggested was to watch and listen and to allow All thoughts. Otherwise you fight with them, When you are the observer you aren't caught in the fear, you may experience some fear but if you allow mind to think it's thoughts, while You watch and 'catch' the thoughts that go along with it and sit with the temporary discomfort, it will 'heal' itself, You find the fear no longer has the meaning you gave it.
It is bringing illusioñ to truth.
Yes, Jesus says to practice vigilance. He also says about the egoic thoughts...don't try to control it, don't get angry at it...
There is no separation. You and I are one. That goes for every one. I am one Self, as every one is
I am guided by my Self. Salvation comes from my One Self. I am and listen until my dream, illusion thoughts and beliefs reflect the truth. Until my being is settled in the Truth, knowing it is truth by my feelings, my soul. I belong to God. Fear is released. And I. Am Home. Aware of God's love. Other than being vigilant against the ego, are there any other boundaries he suggests we make?
"God is in control not your egoic thoughts, they are nothing. God has your 'situation' already solved. Don't grasp for the answer, it will come ...-" 1 yr ago
I am not a teacher. I write on reddit for my Self. If anyone benefits, great.
Fukina 1 yr
This is just a very small thing that I do and it may sound like not it, but it helps me to start to back up from whatever emotion.. I ask, 'what is' really bugging me?' help me jesus. I walk around the house doing whatever 'it', the HS says to do, I can tell by how I feel, I tell myself I have all the time in the world. So I do things, am focused on nothing really. My eyes are just landing on things and I take care of them. I am not focused on the situation but it comes in the anger or insights, I let it ALL come and go through the mind, I let the thoughts finish themselves. Whatever thoughts are there, do not stuff them, allow. Allow yourself room, and to trust God who is in your mind. He has No judgement on you, no punishment He is your Friend and your help. He judges FOR you. Your anger thoughts are meaningless, so there is nothing to feel guilty for... but we want to hear what the egoic mind is telling us, what am I falsely believing?.let it speak. God is in control not your egoic thoughts, they are nothing. God has your 'situation' already solved. Don't grasp for the answer, it will come at exactly the right time. A lot of my answers start with, 'well, maybe...'
Listen. All thoughts.
I also, if I start getting anxious, call on Jesus. In the gaps between thoughts, there is Love 💕
Julie Boerst 1yr
It's good that you're feeling the anger. That's the first step in healing.
In my experience, the anger is never caused by the situation that seems to be around it. It definitely seems to be according to the ego's story, memory, and definitions of all the beings I see, but all of that story is made up by ego. My job is to let that story go, thought by thought. The people around us highlight sentences (thoughts) in that story so we can let it go. That's why we owe everyone our gratitude--no exceptions.
One way of looking at it is that they are are light beings enacting a drama just to help us find the thoughts that we need to let go of. When we let go of them, we find our freedom and our happiness.
I don't have to drop the anger. I really do need to feel it because it is a very clear and simple signal that I am believing a lie from ego. The only remedy for anger that I've found is stopping to find out what I believe in that moment. When I find a thought I believe, which is the last thing ego recommends in the middle of a drama, I can bring that thought to the inner light, and I can let it go.
One way of letting the thought go is to focus on your willingness to see things differently. We can't hold onto a thought from ego and focus on our willingness at the same time, so it always works.
Once you have set down that thought from ego, you are ready for a moment of peace and sanity: God goes with me wherever I go.
Under the surface of the characters called wife, husband, and sister, there is a peace and a sanity that is joined. It is not separate. When we learn to gaze at this actual and joined peace and sanity beneath the surface of every drama (and we learn through repetitive practice in situations like this), we learn to focus on the source of all solutions. Situations shift. Solutions appear. Conflicts disappear.
All of this is training in taking our focus off what is unreal and focusing on what is Real. The situations are for our training, and they are no longer wrong. We are all together in this. All things work together for good.
As many times as I need to, I stop and find a thought. I take my gaze off what is unreal. I focus on what is Real. This is the only way that everything becomes clear so I can proceed without judgment.
🙏🩵
A fallen one? Oh shit, now I'm the fallen one - I'd like it if you went to your post above and replace all 'yous' with 'I'..
Peace to you 🧦🦄💌. Gf
submitted by MeFukina to ACIM [link] [comments]
The more you look at fear, the less power it has because you see that since God is love, He did not create fear, we made it up, you did. You imagined it up. 'Fear' can't be real In light of what course teaches, fear is never justified bc God is love, and God is everywhere, always.This is not only incorrect but it is dangerous advice.
God gave us free will. But just because we can think any thought, do any action and create anything...doesn't mean we should. The tree of knowledge included evil/fear. God warned Adam (man) not to eat from it. But because Adam had free will he did anyways. Adam learned about evil and it was so horrific he didn't fall asleep...he fainted and hasn't yet awaken.
Healing from fear is important. But embracing it and "allowing it to come in" is not. That is the logic of a fallen one.
Say I have a fear of having my hand cut off. Do I "let it in" to show it has no meaning? Do I chop off my hand to prove my fear is meaningless and my hand is an illusion? What you advocate is not too dissimilar to this.
There is a consistent theme and pattern in your teachings. Whether you realize it or not, you teach that there are no boundaries (figuratively or literally). This is not a proper spiritual teaching. Spiritual text absolutely establish boundaries. The Course is a good example of this. It tells us to be wary and vigilant of the ego. We are to setup boundaries to keep the ego away and from intruding into our real mind. The Course wants us to practice spiritual discernment. You do not. You have torn down all your mental fences and your ego has escaped to run rampant and ruin your life. You have ignored your guides who have implored you to practice mental discipline and reestablish your will and boundaries. Worse yet, you then teach others how to free their egos to in turn ruin their lives.
Dreaml
🌷 Fukina
****The tree of knowledge included evil/fear. God warned Adam (man) not to eat from it. But because Adam had free will he did anyways. Adam learned about evil and it was so horrific he didn't fall asleep...he fainted and hasn't yet awaken.*****
You know, there are about 5 ideas here that go directly against the course's concepts. And this is not in the course.
Ch. 14, Vii, 2
2 The search for truth is but the honest searching out of everything that interferes with truth. Truth is. It can neither be lost nor sought nor found. It is there, wherever you are, being within you. Yet it can be recognized or unrecognized, real or false to you. If you hide it, it becomes unreal to you because you hid it and surrounded it with fear. Under each cornerstone of fear on which you have erected your insane system of belief, the truth lies hidden. Yet you cannot know this, for by hiding truth in fear, you see no reason to believe that the more you look at fear the less you see it, and the clearer what it conceals becomes.
Fukina 1 yr
This is just a very small thing that I do and it may sound like not it, but it helps me to start to back up from whatever emotion.. I ask, 'what is' really bugging me?' help me jesus. I walk around the house doing whatever 'it', the HS says to do, I can tell by how I feel, I tell myself I have all the time in the world. So I do things, am focused on nothing really. My eyes are just landing on things and I take care of them. I am not focused on the situation but it comes in the anger or insights, I let it ALL come and go through the mind, I let the thoughts finish themselves. Whatever thoughts are there, do not stuff them, allow. Allow yourself room, and to trust God who is in your mind. He has No judgement on you, no punishment He is your Friend and your help. He judges FOR you. Your anger thoughts are meaningless, so there is nothing to feel guilty for... but we want to hear what the egoic mind is telling us, what am I falsely believing?.let it speak. God is in control not your egoic thoughts, they are nothing. God has your 'situation' already solved. Don't grasp for the answer, it will come at exactly the right time. A lot of my answers start with, 'well, maybe...'
Listen. All thoughts.
I also, if I start getting anxious, call on Jesus. In the gaps between thoughts, there is Love 💕
That is the' logic of a fallen one.' really? Wow. I am as God created Me.
We do not have free will as to whether our Father loves us or not. And we CANNOT separate from Him. Praise God. His loving plan for each of us saves, saved us already. Love is freedom.acim. The egoic self tries to bind us.
Why would you feel the need to cut your hand off to prove Anything? That's a little nutty.
The practice I suggested was a contemplation with Jesus or HS invited to help, I never suggested any physical harm to anyone. What I suggested was to watch and listen and to allow All thoughts. Otherwise you fight with them, When you are the observer you aren't caught in the fear, you may experience some fear but if you allow mind to think it's thoughts, while You watch and 'catch' the thoughts that go along with it and sit with the temporary discomfort, it will 'heal' itself, You find the fear no longer has the meaning you gave it.
It is bringing illusioñ to the truth within.
Yes, Jesus says to practice vigilance. He also says about the ego...don't try to control it, don't get angry at it.... What you resist persists is what I have learned. Vigilance? Would need to be better defined. Imo. Fighting with fear makes illusions If we face our fears, now, it is part of the purificatin process. Sounds like you're afraid of fear.
Amy Torres
The purification process in A Course in Miracles (ACIM) involves letting go of false beliefs, accepting the truth, and stepping into simultaneity. This process allows people to see everything as connected energy instead of time and space. It also involves opening the mind to God's Thought and practicing forgiveness.
The process of purification can help people:
Release guilt
Learn their sanctity
Find the true meaning behind all form
Overlook the dream of separation
Learn that only Love is everywhere
Be led past the clouds of fear to the Light of Love
Be purified of fear
Accept the Love we all are
The ACIM purification process involves:
releasing false beliefs
Accepting the truth
Stepping into simultaneity
Opening the mind to God's Thought
Practicing forgiveness
Recognizing Who you already are
The process can also help people discern between ego and the Holy Spirit, and give attention only to the latter.
Junnies 1 yr.
The 'boundary' of your sister in law is a reflection of the 'boundary' in your own mind, the streak of anger that cuts you off from your loving joyful light flow state. Just as there is still drama between your husband' side, there is still ego-drama in your own mind, some unresolved ego-feelings and thoughts, surfacing for you to love and accept and release!
2 The search for truth is but the honest searching out of everything that interferes with truth. Truth is. It can neither be lost nor sought nor found. It is there, wherever you are, being within you. Yet it can be recognized or unrecognized, real or false to you. If you hide it, it becomes unreal to you because you hid it and surrounded it with fear. Under each cornerstone of fear on which you have erected your insane system of belief, the truth lies hidden. Yet you cannot know this, for by hiding truth in fear, you see no reason to believe that the more you look at fear the less you see it, and the clearer what it conceals becomes.
Lesson 240 Fear is not justified in any form (ACIM, W-240)
Fear is deception.
How foolish are our fears! ²Would You allow Your Son to suffer? ³Give us faith today to recognize Your Son, and set him free. ⁴Let us forgive him in Your Name, that we may understand his holiness, and feel the love for him which is Your Own as well. (ACIM, W-240.1:1;2:1-4)
Lesson 14
God did not make a meaningless world.
The idea for today is, of course, the reason why a meaningless world is impossible. ²What God did not create does not exist. ³And everything that does exist exists as He created it. ⁴The world you see has nothing to do with reality. ⁵It is of your own making, and it does not exist. (ACIM, W-14.1:1-5
Fukina We do not have free will as to whether our Father loves us or not. And we CANNOT separate from Him. Praise God. His loving plan for each of us saves, saved us already. Love is freedom.acim. The egoic self tried to bind us.
Why would you feel the need to cut your hand off to prove anything? The practice I suggested was a contemplation with Jesus or HS invited to help, I never suggested any physical harm to anyone. What I suggested was to watch and listen and to allow All thoughts. Otherwise you fight with them, When you are the observer you aren't caught in the fear, you may experience some fear but if you allow mind to think it's thoughts, while You watch and 'catch' the thoughts that go along with it and sit with the temporary discomfort, it will 'heal' itself, You find the fear no longer has the meaning you gave it.
It is bringing illusioñ to truth.
Yes, Jesus says to practice vigilance. He also says about the egoic thoughts...don't try to control it, don't get angry at it...
There is no separation. You and I are one. That goes for every one. I am one Self, as every one is
I am guided by my Self. Salvation comes from my One Self. I am and listen until my dream, illusion thoughts and beliefs reflect the truth. Until my being is settled in the Truth, knowing it is truth by my feelings, my soul. I belong to God. Fear is released. And I. Am Home. Aware of God's love. Other than being vigilant against the ego, are there any other boundaries he suggests we make?
"God is in control not your egoic thoughts, they are nothing. God has your 'situation' already solved. Don't grasp for the answer, it will come ...-" 1 yr ago
I am not a teacher. I write on reddit for my Self. If anyone benefits, great.
Fukina 1 yr
This is just a very small thing that I do and it may sound like not it, but it helps me to start to back up from whatever emotion.. I ask, 'what is' really bugging me?' help me jesus. I walk around the house doing whatever 'it', the HS says to do, I can tell by how I feel, I tell myself I have all the time in the world. So I do things, am focused on nothing really. My eyes are just landing on things and I take care of them. I am not focused on the situation but it comes in the anger or insights, I let it ALL come and go through the mind, I let the thoughts finish themselves. Whatever thoughts are there, do not stuff them, allow. Allow yourself room, and to trust God who is in your mind. He has No judgement on you, no punishment He is your Friend and your help. He judges FOR you. Your anger thoughts are meaningless, so there is nothing to feel guilty for... but we want to hear what the egoic mind is telling us, what am I falsely believing?.let it speak. God is in control not your egoic thoughts, they are nothing. God has your 'situation' already solved. Don't grasp for the answer, it will come at exactly the right time. A lot of my answers start with, 'well, maybe...'
Listen. All thoughts.
I also, if I start getting anxious, call on Jesus. In the gaps between thoughts, there is Love 💕
Julie Boerst 1yr
It's good that you're feeling the anger. That's the first step in healing.
In my experience, the anger is never caused by the situation that seems to be around it. It definitely seems to be according to the ego's story, memory, and definitions of all the beings I see, but all of that story is made up by ego. My job is to let that story go, thought by thought. The people around us highlight sentences (thoughts) in that story so we can let it go. That's why we owe everyone our gratitude--no exceptions.
One way of looking at it is that they are are light beings enacting a drama just to help us find the thoughts that we need to let go of. When we let go of them, we find our freedom and our happiness.
I don't have to drop the anger. I really do need to feel it because it is a very clear and simple signal that I am believing a lie from ego. The only remedy for anger that I've found is stopping to find out what I believe in that moment. When I find a thought I believe, which is the last thing ego recommends in the middle of a drama, I can bring that thought to the inner light, and I can let it go.
One way of letting the thought go is to focus on your willingness to see things differently. We can't hold onto a thought from ego and focus on our willingness at the same time, so it always works.
Once you have set down that thought from ego, you are ready for a moment of peace and sanity: God goes with me wherever I go.
Under the surface of the characters called wife, husband, and sister, there is a peace and a sanity that is joined. It is not separate. When we learn to gaze at this actual and joined peace and sanity beneath the surface of every drama (and we learn through repetitive practice in situations like this), we learn to focus on the source of all solutions. Situations shift. Solutions appear. Conflicts disappear.
All of this is training in taking our focus off what is unreal and focusing on what is Real. The situations are for our training, and they are no longer wrong. We are all together in this. All things work together for good.
As many times as I need to, I stop and find a thought. I take my gaze off what is unreal. I focus on what is Real. This is the only way that everything becomes clear so I can proceed without judgment.
🙏🩵
A fallen one? Oh shit, now I'm the fallen one - I'd like it if you went to your post above and replace all 'yous' with 'I'..
Peace to you 🧦🦄💌. Gf
2024.05.18 03:35 Moocao123 Medicare Advantage - Capitation model, prior authorization, and care coordination in a not vertically integrated model
 | Good evening Healthcare_anon members submitted by Moocao123 to Healthcare_Anon [link] [comments] After the debacle that is the 2024 meme rally, we are finally back to normal operating schedule. For this weekend and possibly even longer, I would like to focus on Medicare Advantage and its model effects. I would like to thank Fabulous-airport-273 and his submission, which is available: (5) Your thoughts on this April 2024 policy paper - “Medicare Advantage & Vertical Consolidation in Healthcare” : Healthcare_Anon (reddit.com) -> Medicare-Advantage-AELP.pdf (economicliberties.us) This is a very very dense position paper, and it was a lot to read through. Rainy went through some of the discussion here: (5) Vertical consolidation of healthcare: the goods, the bads, and the might not work out. bahaha! : Healthcare_Anon (reddit.com) I thought it would be a good idea to discuss the model of Medicare Advantage, the purpose of capitation, the reason why vertical integration is even happening (think UNH comprising of Optum and UHG), why there is a risk of monopoly and the chance of a company taking more than the mandated MLR threshold, why the DOJ is considering targeting UNH, and what are some of the barriers to achieving the intended final outcome (think why BHG failed, and why CVS/Aetna is having a hard time). That being said, this is a multiple part DD that will link through one another. Their titles will be different, as it speaks to different aspects of the healthcare landscape. If there are any members who are part of the landscape, please speak up and discuss the ideas and or conjectures. We are only a SMALL cog within a much bigger machine, and sometimes our understanding may not be as complete. Your input is welcome! That being said, let us get started on this extremely dense topic. I thought we may need to start with the background first, therefore this current post. Medicare advantage and its history: I will not go through so much of this as I have already went through the history quite a bit. Please see the following link for the history lesson of MA: (5) CMS Finalizes Payment Updates for 2025 Medicare Advantage and Medicare Part D Programs - Moocao read it so you hopefully shouldn't have to, part 1: an introduction to Medicare Advantage : Healthcare_Anon (reddit.com) Capitation model: Payment Model primer - capitated payments. Policy brief September 2022, available: CEbP_PaymentModelPrimer_CapitatedPayments.pdf (centerforevidencebasedpolicy.org), accessed 05/17/24 How is it supposed to work: capitation payments are adjusted for risk, based on population acuity to ensure adequate payment. To ensure the entity receiving the capitated payment does not withhold care, plans and providers receiving capitated payments often report on quality and utilization measures, which can be linked to performance bonuses or publicly reported to increase transparency. Capitated payments are generally made prior to care delivery and are based on the spectrum of services and utilization of services. What is the goal: The goal of capitated payments is to reduce, or slow the rate of growth of health care expenditures and to improve quality of care by encouraging greater management and coordination of care.1,5 Capitation payments can be appealing to both public payers and commercial payers, as they shift the locus of care oversight to another entity, whether that be a managed care organization (MCO), physician group, or health system.5 This allows the payer to focus on tasks that are more limited in scope, such as enrollment, claims processing, risk analysis, reinsurance, and customer service. What are the strengths and pitfalls: https://preview.redd.it/n7jdj8xw131d1.png?width=904&format=png&auto=webp&s=2179782e8a41e6f0147105a344dbd84208572a1a So, as an insurance company, the integration of care will create the most cost-effective solution to the care process. This includes reducing utilization, risk management, readmission reduction, risk adjustment documentation, and finally, a whole vertical integration structure to encapsulate the entire medical care process if sufficient capital is raised to allow this process to occur. There is a whole host of processes to discuss, but first let us talk about what happens if that capital isn't available yet. Prior authorization What is prior authorization? Lets take Cigna's definition, as they are a big player within the healthcare insurance space: What is Prior Authorization? Cigna Healthcare Under medical and prescription drug plans, some treatments and medications may need approval from your health insurance carrier before you receive care. Prior authorization is usually required if you need a complex treatment or prescription. Coverage will not happen without it. That’s why beginning the prior authorization process early is important. Or another way of saying it: Insurance companies are playing doctor without a medical license, under the pretext of cost savings. The above is a very simplification of the complex discussion with prior authorizations, and PA does have a role in many discussions. I do get a little pissed off knowing patients being denied getting an MRI scan at a location that is first available (like at the place where they are first seen), and instead being told they have to wait at another location or else it won't get paid. If you have brain cancer, driving to another location isn't exactly great, worse if you are told you have to wait a month. Insurance denied MRI claim, saying the location wasn't approved. Hospital now wants me to pay $7000. What should I do? : personalfinance (reddit.com) In addition, in the medicare advantage space, there is an explosion of prior authorization denials, and CMS has looked into the practice: https://www.kff.org/medicare/issue-brief/over-35-million-prior-authorization-requests-were-submitted-to-medicare-advantage-plans-in-2021/ And has given their answer to PA's scandalous process: https://www.cms.gov/newsroom/press-releases/cms-finalizes-rule-expand-access-health-information-and-improve-prior-authorization-process I could dive into each link to discuss the findings within each report, but I decided that our readership must be educated well enough within the space to be able to achieve the necessary function to understand either their investments, or their ability to navigate the complex systems to which our subreddit is dedicated to. I have too much to go through to delve into details. The overall discussion I would like to say with regards to insufficient capital to achieve vertical integration: prior authorizations can allow an insurance company to deny needed medical services on the basis on many reasons, which can range as innocuous as incorrect procedure for the diagnosis (yes, ultrasound on a leg is worthless when it was meant for the liver) all the way to completely egregious and almost malpractice (a PET Scan should be considered to find metastasis https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK573059/, but try talking to Aetna (now CVS): https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/315527/pet-scan-denied-by-insurance). Personally I favor using prior authorizations as a way to triage care, but that isn't what insurance is doing: https://preview.redd.it/fnm74y20531d1.png?width=859&format=png&auto=webp&s=09b6b8670bdd8d6ca31471f53a84b1940635cf26 https://preview.redd.it/qpkzrlo2531d1.png?width=857&format=png&auto=webp&s=194d7b2bfd83e5fa6cf6a8c9ed5066f8e8a78ca7 Ever tried appealing a prior authorization denial? If you didn't have the pleasure either as a clinician or as a patient, I would never wish that misfortune onto you, even if your appeal is accepted, which can be months down the road and may have cost you very precious time you no longer have. Onto our next topic. Care coordination Let us go through care coordination via CMS's definition: https://www.cms.gov/priorities/innovation/key-concepts/care-coordination Why Care Coordination is Important: when doctors and other health care providers work together and share information, patient's needs and preferences are known and communicated at the right time to the right people, and the information is used to provide safe, appropriate, and effective care. This can help to keep patients healthier longer, better manage chronic conditions and experience care that is consistent with their goals. Within the hospital this is achieved by a multidisciplinary team. If you were ever admitted to an inpatient unit and you see a bunch of white coats huddling in front of the patient's room, its basically a mini huddle of all the different people trying to give you the best care possible. When Care Needs to Be Coordinated: Follow up care after an emergency hospital visit.
Because sometimes the story ends there, and the prior authorization horror story comes around. Remember insurance company pays for your care! What if you needed a rehab facility, and your doctors within the hospital thinks that is the best thing for you, but Humana/UNH MA AI bots decide that you don't need that service? https://www.lpm.org/news/2023-12-14/lawsuit-claims-humana-uses-ai-to-deny-necessary-health-care-services-to-medicare-advantage-patients https://www.statnews.com/2023/11/14/unitedhealth-class-action-lawsuit-algorithm-medicare-advantage/ Remember that Health insurers are supposed to coordinate care as part of their patient responsibility? What if they betray that part of their mandate, ration the care you are supposed to receive, just so their stock price looks better in the next quarter? Eventually this model would create a system where sick people don't get the care they need, and this will show up on the modeling from CMS. Which is why CMS V28 is a horror story to quite a lot of insurance companies. That being said, what if the health insurance companies DID get enough capital for vertical integration? We shall visit that topic next, and the meat of u/Fabulous-airport-273 Reddit post. Thank you for taking the time to read through this. I hope this provides you with a better perspective on Medicare Advantage plans and a glimpse of the landscape that I am personally aware. Please submit your comments below on your thoughts Sincerely Moocao |
2024.05.18 02:56 dubbhae Day 6 of Hololive's Hardcore Minecraft Server: After yesterday's hunt of the Wither Skeleton Heads (and a bonus of many Ancient Debris), its time to take on The Wither!
See Previous Day 5 Here
Note: Posting at this time due to Sora's upcoming morning Minecraft Stream
Tonight at JP primetime of 22:00 JST the girls will be facing off against The Wither. There may be some prep done beforehand so let's see what happens. It could be a real challenge, or it'll be easily defeated in less than 5 minutes.
General Rules for the server. Written by Pekora in the rulebook, with some edits (NOTE: These rules by Pekora may go through some changes, please make sure to check today's Pekora's News Stream for the latest information):
Global Missions:
Today's Death List:
submitted by dubbhae to Hololive [link] [comments]
Note: Posting at this time due to Sora's upcoming morning Minecraft Stream
Tonight at JP primetime of 22:00 JST the girls will be facing off against The Wither. There may be some prep done beforehand so let's see what happens. It could be a real challenge, or it'll be easily defeated in less than 5 minutes.
General Rules for the server. Written by Pekora in the rulebook, with some edits (NOTE: These rules by Pekora may go through some changes, please make sure to check today's Pekora's News Stream for the latest information):
- If you die, its over (Note: Please see revivals below)
- I will write a diary after the broadcast
- Complete the mission
- Nether opening starts on the 16th
- The ultimate goal is to defeat Endora (Ender Dragon) and Wither
- About Survival Diary
- Write about the events and memories of the day
- If the content is good, good things might happen
- Penalty will be incurred if there is no diary
- There are nether and recreational facilities
- Nether opening date 5/16 JST
- Recreational facilities 5/15 JST (Chinchiro)
- You are free!
- You may build a residence
- You can equip yourself
- Survive.
- Currently (as of this writing) if a member dies in Hardcore and wishes to be revived, they can do so by going to their own Solo Minecraft World, and collect 7 diamonds. They can only be revived once.
- Confirmed Perma-dead: Subaru, Nene, Haachama, Polka, Lui, Lamy (Note: Lui and Lamy chose to not be revived after their first death).
- Members won't be able to be revived after Day 7
- The server needs 2/3 of its online players sleeping for time to pass to the next morning
- Certain events such as the Pillager Raid will not be given a warning
- You can buy a totem and 5 golden apples from Pekora for 200 diamonds
Global Missions:
- Find a Western Style Mansion in the forest (basically find a Woodland Mansion) - 20 Diamonds
- Find a Jungle Temple - 20 Diamonds
- Find a Pillager Outpost - 5 Diamonds
- Obtain a Trident - 30 Diamonds
- Find Ruins (Most likely meaning Trail Ruins) - 20 Diamonds
- Find a Pyramid - 10 Diamonds
- Find an Ancient City - 20 Diamonds
- Defeat the Boss of an Underwater Temple (This most likely means the Elder Guardians at an Ocean Monument) - 100 Diamonds
- Obtain 10 different dye colors - Diamond amount unknown
- Defeat one Enderman - 2 Diamonds
- Obtain Ender Pearl - 5 Diamonds
- Make Golden Apple - 3 Diamonds
- Participate in Wither Battle - 10 Diamonds
- Kaela (VOD)
- Kaela's 2nd Stream (VOD)
- Sora (VOD)
- Miko (VOD)
- Miko's 2nd Stream (VOD)
- Towa (VOD)
- Iroha (VOD)
- Ina (VOD)
- Pekora's News Stream (VOD)
- Kiara (VOD)
- Anya (VOD)
- Kanade (VOD)
- Kanade's 2nd Stream (VOD)
- Noel (VOD)
- Pekora (VOD)
- Botan (VOD)
- Aqua (VOD)
- Koyori (VOD)
- Hajime (VOD)
- Ao (VOD)
- Iroha
- Moona (VOD)
- Polka (VOD)
- Raden (VOD)
- Flare
- Suisei
- Luna
- Sora will be sightseeing the server and mining for diamonds today. She already started and found a good vein of them! She decided after seeing the vein to get her pickaxe updated with Fortune III
- Sora came by to Kaela's Trading Post to get Fortune III and other things. She met with Kaela and the two interacted. Kaela in the meanwhile is working on her villagers. During trading, Kaela sneakily gave Sora some extra Emeralds as she was at the anvil. Not sure if Sora noticed it or not. The other emeralds were used for other weapons/armor.
- Kaela has been busy with lots of things today. She went to the Nether to test out her fire resistance armor (by walking into lava to see how much damage it does, which is not much). She does have fire res potions too to help. She went to hunt for some Ancient Debris. She wants to get at least 20 (enough for a full set + tools). She will have to find a Netherite Template at a Bastion afterwards in order to properly upgrade. Best of luck!
- EDIT: Kaela did it! She was able to get the stuff and make Netherite armor! Earlier too Kiara had wanted her to get the Netherite Template from her to get some armor (she had originally thought Kaela already had one but turns out she didn't). Kaela didn't want to bring Kiara with her to a bastion in case something bad happened (bad experience with Haachama). Fortunately Kaela was able to go to a bastion and get a template.
- Also Kaela when talking to
- Miko accidentally used her Jdon My Bow to repair a random bow and therefore losing it in the process. She told Kaela about what happened and Kaela told her that it would be alright. She then gave her 4 Netherite Templates for her to make her own Netherite Armor, as a way for her to feel Better. Miko now also has Netherite Armor.
- Sora and Miko met up a bit before Miko's stream. Miko told Sora about Lamy and some of the things that happened in the server, along with the plans for the Wither fight today. Miko on her stream has a list of her plan for today.
- Miko went and got even more Netherite, she gave some to Iroha along with a Netherite Template for Iroha to make her own Netherite Armor (also telling her to make sure to duplicate the template first).
- There's now an ice road, (most likely by Iroha or Kaela), from Kaela's house to Iroha's villagers. Its to make it easier for members to quickly and safely travel between the two places, especially since many members have been going inbetween the two places to trade.
- Since Ina missed yesterday, she's starting a few hours early to catch up and prepare for the wither. She again in MS Paint lays out her plans for today. Ina suspects that she'll be the tank again for The Wither Fight.
- Ina made her own fishing house near the iron farm. She made it so when she fishes the iron can be generated as she fishes.
- Ina and Flare met up in the server. Flare went "Ore no Ina" and then threw her diamonds at her. Ina in surprised couldn't accept a gift so she gave them back. The two proceeded to keep throwing the diamonds back and forth at each other. Eventually Flare went and gave Ina a Potion of Strength and a Golden Apple which Ina accepted. Later on they met again and Flare gave Ina some new boots with better enchantments.
- Kiara went to Kaela's place to upgrade her armor to Netherite. After getting the netherite armor and trims, she wanted to show it off. She went to Pekora to show it to her, though her reaction isn't what she expected. Pekora after reading Kiara's diary actually realized Kiara had netherite armor on, and then asked Kiara to get Netherite for her on stream.
- Anya and Kanade now have a piece of Netherite armor. Each of them have the chestplate.
- A villager moved into Ina's house and became a cleric due to Ina's brewing stations inside. I wonder where the villager came from since the village was empty when people started moving into the houses. Ina trapped the Cleric using Netherack outside of her home.
- After the fight, Kaela and Pekora met up. Pekora asked Kaela where her house was, and Kaela took her over. She showed Pekora the cleric where she can buy Ender Pearls. Pekora also asked Kaela for Netherite but Kaela only had one Netherite Scrap that she gave to Pekora. (Earlier before they went to Kaela's house, Pekora asked and Kaela threathed her with a bow which Pekora responded "its joke"). Kaela also gave Pekora the Netherite Template and said they're best friends now.
- Pekora went to Aqua and told her about what happened.
- Pekora and Aqua went to the Nether to gather Netherite. They went to where Kiara had been mining for them and continued onward. They are simply strip mining for them. Aqua was able to find 2 already. They found a few before heading back. After they went to gather more materials including TNT, they went back to mine for more Ancient Debris.
- Pekora actually mentioned she had planned to go to the Ender Dragon fight in only diamond armor, only really getting Ancient Debris for Aqua's sake.
- Polka watched Luna lure pigs to The Farm (Polka and Suisei's farm). However because of the Wither flowers that were planted at the farm, the pigs suffered damage and died.
- Luna made a tweet saying that she replenished the farm with pigs and chickens.
- Kaela is taking Hajime on a trip into the nether. They went and found Ancient Debris together. Polka watched the two of them for a while.
- Kaela and Hajime were able to get the Debris they need and get back to the Overworld safely. Kaela asked about Hajime's house and Hajime showed her the house. Its empty and has no roof. They then went to Kaela's house so they can turn the Ancient Debris into Netherite for Hajime.
- It seems like many of the girls are hunting for Ancient Debris to get Netherite after seeing some of the girls today. Current Ancient Debris Hunters: Pekora & Aqua; Hajime & Kaela; Moona; Anya & Kanade (first separate but then together). Koyori joined Anya and Kande in Ancient Debris Hunting too.
- Moona died! While hunting for Ancient Debris in the Nether, some lava fell on her and at that moment, she lost the fire res effect on her, so she died. Polka went to go and find her. Polka and Moona met in the Nether as ghosts.
- Koyori, Kanade, and Anya went and made a grave for Moona next to the other graves by the portal. Anya wrote R.I.P. Sleep well, Moona"
- Moona decided since she's dead she'll spend the rest of her time commentating on what she sees.
- Koyori and Raden were branch mining separately, and it turns out the two mines were actually pretty close to each other and they both met up. Koyori was actually lost in the mines but Raden ended up finding her by chance. Thanks to Raden's help, Koyori was able to make it out of the mines. Raden is still in the mines hunting for diamonds.
- Ao has been wokring on her own to spruce and clean up the city some more after the destruction of The Wither.
- Iroha and Kaela met up. Iroha asked Kaela if she wanted to go into the Nether to collect Ancient Debris with her. However Kaela had just gotten back from her trip with Hajime and was ready to wrap things up. She told Iroha that she needed to end her stream soon to get some rest (cause she hasnt gotten any sleep since yesterday). Iroha was understanding of it. She went into the mines and met up with Koyori who showed her where to strip mine for Ancient Debris.
- A little bit after, Hajime and Iroha met up, and the two went to get Ancient Debris together. They're doing it with the strip mining method (with Iroha occasionally using TNT)
- Kanade is now the newest member to be fully decked in Netherite Armor
- Currently Kanade, Iroha, Anya, Hajime, and Koyori are all in the nether gathering ancient debris. Since they're all in the same mine area they can sometimes hear and talk to each other. Iroha has been gathering TNT to help making gathering Ancient Debris a lot faster. Koyori showed Kanade, Anya, and Hajime how she blows up all the TNT in the Nether using redstone and a pressure plate.
- Time of Wither Fight: 22:00 JST
- Before the Wither Fight at 21:00 JST the members online will have a meeting to determine the actual location of The Wither Fight. The Meeting is held with Pekora, Kiara, Ina, Kanade, Noel, Botan, Aqua, and Anya.
- During the meeting Kiara and Ina tell the group their experience in fighting the wither with the EN girls in the Holo Server above ground.
- Kiara gives a recap of the meeting. Generally they will be fighting it above ground a bit away from the city area. It'll be nearby a village that a few of the girls live at, near the courthouse (Kiara, Anya, and Ina's houses are at most risk of destruction)
- The Wither will be summoned at the middle of the fighting arena.
- Everyone is busy making preparations, from getting golden apples, to making different potions.
- Everyone is meeting up by the courthouse. Can hear Aqua talking about Miko's armor. Miko, Kiara, and Kaela have a full deck of Netherite Armor
- Kaela: If the wither comes, ill run. I'll run away and hide
- Members participating in the Wither Fight: Pekora, Kiara, Ina, Kaela, Anya, Noel, Aqua, Botan, Hajime, Moona, Koyori, Ao, Kanade, Miko, Raden
- Polka will be observing as a ghost
- Ina went to pay her respects at the grave to those who died before this moment. She will bring back the head of her enemies.
- WITHER FIGHT SURVIVED! It went super fast! And no one died. Kiara was tanking a lot of the hits for it! Pekora sees that the Portal got destroyed during the first fight, along with the middle of the arena
- Since it was easy, Pekora now wants the to fight 3 of them. She will spawn them in different locations in the area. Pekora hints they will be located in places where they live.
- The 3 were Spawned! This time it took a lot longer for all of them to be defeated. Sadly during the fight Iroha died while fighting The Wither, along with the destruction of some houses. Ollie's roof suffered some damage We did lose all the cows and chickens that were at Polka/Suisei's farm. Pekora notes that Iroha can be revived (she does need to do the batsu).
- Wither flowers were placed in the middle of the two pens in memory. Koyori also placed some flowers like the Sakura Saplings and Sunflowers. The girls are using the dirt that got picked up during the fight to restore the area and clean it back up. And other girls are working to fix some of the damage, like Ina fixing Ollie's house.
- Noel and Kanade are making a grave in honor of Iroha. Its made of Netherack
- Koyori took one of the Wither Stars and placed it in her house. I dont know where the other Beacon pieces went (There should be 4. 1 From the 1st fight, and 3 from the 2nd fight). Edit: Kaela got 2 of the Stars. The two stars were turned into beacons that are by her house. The beacons are made of diamonds
- Some of the girls are going to go to the Nether to collect enders to make Ender Eye.
- Members: Kiara, Anya, Noel, Botan, Miko, Hajime, Kanade, Koyori
- Since the portal broke, the girls were trying to light it back up. They kept shooting arrows at it before Miko used a flint to properly light it up
- The girls are able to complete the mission easily with the help of the boat strat. Even if one of the Enderman aggros someone the girls are quickly behind to help out with boats or weapon damage.
- After mission complete a photo of the group was taken.
- On the way back, Kiara and Miko got hit by Piglins cause they forgot to put back on the gold. They were able to survive and make it back home, mission complete!
Today's Death List:
| Hololive Member | Cause of Death | Revival Status |
|---|---|---|
| Kazama Iroha | Died during the Wither Fight | Revived |
| Hoshinova Moona | Lava fell on her in the Nether | Cannot be revived. |
2024.05.18 02:12 Right-Strain3847 Broke up with my JNSO, 30 reasons this is the right thing?
Yesterday I posted looking for advice and input as whether or not my SO is a JustNo. This breakup happened within the last hour and to make myself feel better about my decision and to further show myself this was the right thing, here all the way I think he was a JN (off the top of my head).
1.What happened yesterday, see my post history for that story.
If you got this far thanks for reading!! Please feel free to ask any follow ups!
submitted by Right-Strain3847 to JustNoSO [link] [comments]
1.What happened yesterday, see my post history for that story.
- When I was in law school, he would regularly pick fight with me before major exams.
- My first week of my final year, he broke up with me because I didn’t answer the phone at 8 AM on a Sunday. He said I need to decide if I wanted to be in a partnership or not.
- He’s currently unemployed but when he did work he was in transportation and worked on ships. Our first year together he told his job he could start the week of my birthday… and left to go out of state on my birthday… didn’t end up on the ship till the week after my birthday because that was when the rest of the new crew was coming.
- Constantly would tell me that I don’t go to his house enough or see his parents enough. Sorry who’s responsible for making the plans he specifically wants?
- I’m a lawyer, he constantly tried to pick fights with me about the law.
- Regularly lectures me about “the right thing.”
- When my aunt died, he had started a different kind of job, what I would call a normal-ish job. He told me he wouldn’t be able to take off of work for the funeral. He decided he was getting his wisdom teeth, taken out the same day the funeral and took off of work. Then three days before the funeral had the nerve to ask me to drive him to his wisdom teeth appointment. Then he told me he would be there for me emotionally if I needed him and then proceeded to ignore me the rest of the day/night.
- Then I caught the flu and he disappeared and didn’t take care of me. Then picked a fight with me because my friend had just gotten dumped and all my other friends were considering a night out to support him and I mentioned I was included. He then lectured me about how his parents would be very upset if I went out with my friends instead of going out with them when they invited me. I had the flu… I literally didn’t leave bed.
- My grandfather recently passed away. I had to go out of state and he came with me. The first three days of the trip he spent obsessively trying to figure out how he was going to join his parents at their vacation home in the same state a few hours away. Because he couldn’t figure it out he got increasingly agitated and irritated, and was rude to me.
- I like to garden it’s something I’m really good at he decided now he likes to garden. I had asked him to build me a raised gardening bed. Instead he built his mom one someone who states she herself doesn’t have a green thumb.
- When my SO did have his normal ish job he was so miserable and upset and took it out on me regularly, he was “so busy” that I saw him once a week and we had to switch off each week who’s house we’d hang at because “it had to be fair and 50/50.” One of those nights we had gone out to dinner, went back to his house where he made us sit with his parents and sister where he sat on the opposite end of the table from me on the opposite side of the table from me. I had a solid one hour of alone time with him.
- When my aunt died, he made me go to his house and build furniture because this was part of the 50/50 it has to be fair period.
- When we broke up the first time it was because he did this thing he normally does where he unilaterally decides he’s doing the plans he wants regardless of what I’ve been invited too and expects me to go with him. He decided we were going to his (50year old) family friend’s party for Halloween. We had been invited to 3 other events with people our own age (26).
- He constantly fucks with my cat. When we broke up the first time I ended up adopting a kitten I fostered. My baby is the sweetest and loves everyone. He picks up my cat and refuses to put him down when he clearly wants to be put down. He also hissed at him the other night, he’s hissed 3 times totally in his life.
- Another time with my cat, kitty was in the car in my lap with a harness on, my SO was driving, I saw a little girl and she saw my kitty so I thought I’d let him wave to her. My SO then decided TO TRY AND OPEN MY CAR WINDOW ON A BUSY ROAD WITH MY BABY IN MY LAP.
- Right after the car incident, I put my cat in his carrier (my cat only goes outside in a carrier). My SO insisted on carrying the carrier, put the carrier over his head, isn’t paying attention and hits the carrier into the top of the door, and almost drops my cat.
- He refuses to watch anything I want to watch, it’s a ducking fight. Plus he says he doesn’t like fiction.
- When he drives my car he drives it like an asshole. Like scared for my life.
- Will grab me and stop me from whatever I’m doing to pin me down and hug me.
- Never thinks about me, one time we went to visit his sister at her new house. Everyone had slippers but me, it’s a no shoe house, I was the only one in socks. I felt so left out, like a line drawn in the sand. That’s family and there’s me.
- He pays no bills, even when he worked (He’d pay for date nights, I mean insurance, phone, etc.) and has no responsibilities of his own.
- We once went to a wedding, my house was basically in between the wedding venue and his house. He made me drive to his house, ride with his parents, past my house, twice. I realized I had forgotten to bring my meds with me because I was spending the night at his parents house. He said we’d go back to my house after the wedding. Then the wedding ended we got back to his house and he went to bed and told me to go alone… to my house to get my meds, then go back to his house.
- While I was in law school and when he decided to no longer work on ships the first time, he enrolled in a master program, decided to fast track it, so he could graduate when I graduated law school. (P.s. he never finished the program)
- Oh the job he was on when he missed my birthday the first year we were together, he unilaterally took it, didn’t talk to me about it. Then hated it a month in and every single day was his newest plan to leave the ship early.
- He decided in December he was done working on ships the second time. This was when he came home. He was set to come home New Year’s Day. A week before Christmas he tells me he was going to surprise me with coming home early but it was canceled…. Well it really wasn’t and so he ruined the surprise for nothing. Then was so excited to surprise his sister like too excited. His parents picked him up from the airport, I wasn’t invited nor did he ask me, on Christmas Eve, then he planned to and did spend it with his family with no plans to see me. We then compromised for Christmas Day.
- All holidays were with his family on his terms. I was okay with this except for Christmas Eve, that was always my holiday with my family and he REFUSED to spend any of it with me or my family. The first year of our relationship my mom and I went to his families celebration for Christmas Eve.
- He never lets me listen to my music. I’m one of those people music is sacred to me. He always lowers it or turns off my music, won’t let me cook with my music on. One time had the nerve to tell me I should lower the volume because it may disturb his neighbors when I’m passing by.
- We had a dry spell, I confronted him, he said it was because he’s not turned on by me in sweats. Then said I need to get cute sweats, proceeds to then explain basically how he’s not turned on unless I physically look good. Then the next day admits to taking care of himself when he’s not with me which is literally making him not want to bang.
- Sex was always his terms his way, he wanted me to be a dominatrix. It’s just not for me, I use my brain for work, I don’t want to have to come home and come up with intricate ways to play that fantasy. I just want to be intimate and make love with my partner and NOT HAVE TO THINK.
- He would constantly complain and fight with me about coming to my house and how I never go to see him. He wouldn’t invite me, he expected me to go hmm I have off focus let me invite myself to my boyfriends house and plan elaborate plans in that neighborhood I barely go to. Yet this man always drives to his friends houses which are 45 minutes to an hour away from where we live and his friends never go to him and if he’s not doing that for his friends, he’s driving to his sister or his grandmother‘s house to hang out with them while they will occasionally go to his parents house and he never complains.
- I really don’t like driving at night/after work I feel drained and don’t want to be unsafe, he constantly invited me to do stuff by him and his family and expected me to some how get there myself. All the couples in his life would show up together, I got to show up alone. He doesn’t work he could get me.
If you got this far thanks for reading!! Please feel free to ask any follow ups!
2024.05.18 01:44 Shittystreetpoet Reflections of a Circus Freak
Stenographer auditor / in case of bad intention harborer / Harbinger / the bad listener's arbite unnecessarily hard on ya/ like you're part of the family/ the love showing up late uncannily/ Twins trying to play calamity/ what game he says not understanding the gravity/ Maybe just getting lost in the tapestry / his way of trying to navigate tactically / As if the key to immortality is nothing more than keeping substitutes on the faculty / Actually that'll leave you a casualty / so if they come after me frantically / That's when I show animal teeth and growl irrationally / it's a full moon unnaturally / like we planned it to be as we planted seeds tacitly / Tenacity to climb the bean stalk for some obscene talk / Climb down clean chop and watch g's squawk / Whole less fly notarized / no longer in short supply just north of why / Headed in misdirections bein' lead in by self reflections is the lesson we're tested with then / Which leads to guesswork and extra questions / who's best in / who bested/ Shit even god had a day that he rested/ even if you believe we less than/ or you think his existence is a bit of an elephant / it's irrelevant / we just wanna act in his eminence even if we ain't nearly as intelligent / and more survival on the elements / as is self evident entered evidence / Sentiment centers senselessness depenin' on whos sellin' it at least that's what I was taught center is
Got a jester's tendencies / Thinks the pageantry is peasantry/ Presently tryin to shepard me in and out of jeopardy / Balance festering / D.O.A. as of today / Now stop pestering / Ask again met with Next question-ing / And 2 for flinching Weaponry / Heavily supportive of the revelry / And can prove it readily / Not on command unless before hand you decide to credit me / And answers a few question about the telemetry / Like how high / and now why / Must I supply / the momentum to reach the sky / Say yes as a means to teach a lie / Say no as you dream to delete that guy / And divide he causes / Basic the caustics / Desire neutral on diagnostics / But wishing wells require haustus / Cost is a little Faust-ish / like Mephisto taught us If we're anything but flawless / he'll drag us back to the office / Quest for Camelot ending Devon and cornwall-ish / Started as 2 sides bickering raucous / Initially Cautious / of what each got us but equally god less / got us feeling like Holy War Generales/ holding a sword with all the notches / Turned supportive of each other like "you got this" / When being attacked is one of life's constants / You don't need calls coming from inside the house correspondents /
Smoke signals pyrotechnic hieroglyphics / Don't understand shit, but at least it light up the entrance / The fuck does that mean in the sentence / Oh.../ ...do you not derive meaning from the senseless? / Can't you see I stole new clothes made for the empress / Find me where they won't recognize the biometrics / Piece it together then disappear like tetris / Underlying bias / like standing on the shoulders of giants / Believing it was your own triumphs / Not reliance on mythical pseudoscience / And a dash of lucky timin(g)s / Defining the value were deriving / Maybe you understand why demure is left behind then / If you ain't heard of me, / guess this is where others talk precision like surgery But I'm more in your face b&e burglary / and bad doc murdery / Did I do it? Certainly / In the op room not the doc dude I'm the circus freak
submitted by Shittystreetpoet to raplyrics [link] [comments]
Got a jester's tendencies / Thinks the pageantry is peasantry/ Presently tryin to shepard me in and out of jeopardy / Balance festering / D.O.A. as of today / Now stop pestering / Ask again met with Next question-ing / And 2 for flinching Weaponry / Heavily supportive of the revelry / And can prove it readily / Not on command unless before hand you decide to credit me / And answers a few question about the telemetry / Like how high / and now why / Must I supply / the momentum to reach the sky / Say yes as a means to teach a lie / Say no as you dream to delete that guy / And divide he causes / Basic the caustics / Desire neutral on diagnostics / But wishing wells require haustus / Cost is a little Faust-ish / like Mephisto taught us If we're anything but flawless / he'll drag us back to the office / Quest for Camelot ending Devon and cornwall-ish / Started as 2 sides bickering raucous / Initially Cautious / of what each got us but equally god less / got us feeling like Holy War Generales/ holding a sword with all the notches / Turned supportive of each other like "you got this" / When being attacked is one of life's constants / You don't need calls coming from inside the house correspondents /
Smoke signals pyrotechnic hieroglyphics / Don't understand shit, but at least it light up the entrance / The fuck does that mean in the sentence / Oh.../ ...do you not derive meaning from the senseless? / Can't you see I stole new clothes made for the empress / Find me where they won't recognize the biometrics / Piece it together then disappear like tetris / Underlying bias / like standing on the shoulders of giants / Believing it was your own triumphs / Not reliance on mythical pseudoscience / And a dash of lucky timin(g)s / Defining the value were deriving / Maybe you understand why demure is left behind then / If you ain't heard of me, / guess this is where others talk precision like surgery But I'm more in your face b&e burglary / and bad doc murdery / Did I do it? Certainly / In the op room not the doc dude I'm the circus freak
2024.05.18 01:33 SamMorrisHorror Them Devils Pt. 1
On the night when it all happened a young man called Smallmouth found himself in quite a pickle. He shivered and paced clumsily all over the second story porch of a cabin that used to be very nice, which overlooked a snowy down-sloping field that used to be kept up properly and carefully. He was already six packs deep into a carton of cigarettes he had bought only two days ago from a Casey’s General Store on his way up. He could recall the look on the young woman’s face at the register when he asked for a carton of Parliament Menthols, her eyes showing one blink of humorous surprise and another couple blinks of obvious concern, which faded to professional indifference as she rang in the sweet, icy killers. Smallmouth stopped his nervous dallying when he caught himself in the kitchen window; a large, shadowy figure sulking between the inside lights and the cold, almost glowing world downhill. His eyes still on his murky reflection, he patted his coat pockets for his seventh pack, pulling it out and smacking it against his left palm before cracking open and lighting it at his mouth. In a slow, warm flash, he could briefly see his own face in the window.
“Oh man, it’s bad” , he thought to himself.
He hadn’t shaved in weeks and his beard grew coarse and thick. A face that his mother had once called handsome had become a clean plate covered in steel wool. Well, maybe not so clean. Under and around his eyes were the obvious bruising of sleeplessness and his skin had lost its lively color and clarity of yesteryear.
“Ughhh” he groaned, turning away from the window to look over the porch and into the freezing, beckoning night.
The pickle that Jeremy “Smallmouth” Bassett found himself in involved his uncle, and his uncle’s evening logistics, to be precise. Smallmouth had been kicked out of his parents home on December 27th due to a slight misunderstanding at 2am when he believed the living room Christmas tree to be the downstairs bathroom. He had passed out on the couch after drinking a fire pit full of crushed Hamm’s cans and his brain tried desperately to get him up and to the nearby toilet. His little sister Stacy was tucked in fast asleep on a loveseat by the tree when she was brutally torn from her sugarplum dreams to hear the terrible hiss of Smallmouth’s folly. She screamed, the parents woke up, and, well, there you go. After well over three strikes, Smallmouth’s temporary residence had come to an end, and he was thrown to his mother’s brother’s cabin to dry up and straighten out before he could ever even be considered to return.
“You two deserve to live together. He can’t say no either because he owes me a lot more than this!” Smallmouth’s mother had screeched over him as he sat at the kitchen table the following morning with a cold bag of peas against his throbbing right temple. “You go there and you GET RIGHT!! I don’t care how long it takes just clean up your act and MAKE something of yourself! And for goodness sake tell Chuck to do the same, while he still has time!”
Yes, Uncle Chuck had his own shelf full of good time problems, and that’s what put Smallmouth in a bind tonight as he pondered over the white yonder that led to a black nothing, a black nothing that in the daylight pretended to be a forest. At night, it showed its true nature, an endless world of dark secrets and aching regret. At least that’s how Smallmouth saw it in this moment.
Chuck had gone down to the ranch he worked on for a New Years party with his work buddies. They liked to gather at the big barn where all of the vehicles and equipment were kept, sitting around a card table passing out stories about women and other trophy game that were either outright lied about or illegally poached. Oh, and they also liked to pass the bottle around. Therein lied the conundrum for Smallmouth.
Uncle Chuck was many things, but one thing he wasn’t was a drunk driver. Chuck’s wife Rebecca had been struck and killed by a drunk driver almost ten years ago when she was out jogging the back roads early one morning. Everyone assumed that’s what led him to his openly hard drinking and sneakily pill popping ways in the first place. For Chuck, most nights were kept at home, parked in front of a TV watching old westerns and cleaning out a full bottle of Wild Turkey 101 before snoring in his recliner. On the few nights he would go out, he would always call a ride if things got out of hand. As you can imagine, he tends to need a ride home.
“I should be home bout 11:30. Service ain’t so good up there near the barn so if it gets bout 11:15-11:20 and I ain’t home, go head and do me a favor and come grab me son.” Chuck had told Smallmouth before he left, closing the warped screen door behind him.
Smallmouth had spent the evening trying his best to stay entertained without the help of any chemical enhancement. His family’s anger and resentment really struck him and this time he was determined to truly get right and get his life back on the rails. He was 29 years old. He had gone through college clean as a whistle, bright and driven, receiving his MBA with plans to work his way up in a promising career in business. That worked for a couple years. Then he found a calling in ministry, deciding to quit the corporate world to fill an opening of a tiny country church in the area. They needed a deacon who could take care of things around the building and assist in the worship service. He wasn’t much for public speaking, haven been given the nickname Smallmouth at a young age due to his soft spoken nature, but he could pass plates and give a hushed prayer every now and then. He liked to mow and paint and help old ladies up the stairs. The quiet country life was really nice for him, for a while. Strange, radical ideas eventually spread through the church though, and half of its members left overnight to form their own congregation. Its funding cut in half, the church had to close its doors and the other members absorbed into other churches. Smallmouth rarely ever saw the people that had departed from the church, but rumors creeped that they met at an old abandoned building deep in the woods, performing all sorts of different acts and rituals that would purify themselves and destroy all evils. Nevertheless, Smallmouth was out of work and picked up shifts bartending at a small town dive. His soft fortitude was no match for the booze and drugs and women that would pass through there and soon he was out the door. That landed him mooching off of his parents, draining their sanity and eventually draining himself on their Christmas tree. The last strike.
So there he was all night, waiting up for uncle Chuck. He was two days clean of everything except caffeine and nicotine, a major improvement. He felt a boost of hope and confidence the first morning after a sober nights sleep. He found the mornings to be the best parts of the day. At least he had coffee and cigarettes to get him out of bed. That would wear off quickly and the rest of the day was filled with trying to find distractions until the sun set about 5pm. Then he would watch a movie or two with Chuck. Last night he had been able to call it early and go to sleep at 7pm shortly after Chuck started sawing logs in front of True Grit (the original John Wayne version of course). Tonight he saw 7pm struggle and churn into 8…….8:13……..8:48……9:05……9:29………..9:31………9:52……..9:58……….10:11…….10:12 (oh cmon)……10:27…….10:56…….and finally 11:08. It was like the clock was a 35 year old four cylinder engine oiled with crunchy peanut butter. Now, crunch time sat in the cold air as Smallmouth finished his cigarette and stewed over his decision. He really didn’t feel like going down to the barn and getting Chuck, even though it was only a couple miles. In the infancy of his sobriety he found the smallest of choices and activities to seem dire and at the very least upsettingly out of his way. Surely Chuck can get himself home on his own, right?
“No. Who knows if someone’s Aunt Rebecca or grandmother or son is out there on the road tonight” he thought.
As much as he had tried to screw up his life, Smallmouth usually knew what the right decision would be, even if he so often refused to listen. It was there ever so clearly on this New Year’s Eve, wailing in the back row of his mind like a misbehaved child during a church sermon. Smallmouth left the porch and went inside to grab his keys.
He walked out to his truck, got in, cranked it, let it sit down to one rpm, and started down the gravel driveway, which led to the gravel county road that Chuck and his few and far between neighbors lived on. He got to the mailbox and suddenly shot his attention up the road, where headlights revealed themselves out of the deep dark. It was rare to see any cars this far down Chuck’s road. In fact, there were no other houses to the right of Chuck’s cabin, spare for a couple of empty ones that were condemned but were attached to a lot of forest property.
Smallmouth squinted his eyes as a large black Dodge Ram 3500 came barreling by with a livestock trailer. Even inside his own truck he could hear a terrible noise coming from that trailer. He recognized it instantly as a pig squeal.
“The hell?” He whispered as the truck and trailer tore down the road, going around a nearby corner and out of sight. He couldn’t guess what on earth that could be about at this hour, and especially since nobody lived down there anyway. He shrugged it off though, and turned left out of the driveway, headed for drunk Uncle Chuck down at the ranch.
Ten minutes and a couple of snowy country miles later Smallmouth found himself through the metal gate of the ranch and up to the main barn, where a couple of smiling ranch hands had Chuck held up between them just outside one of two closed garage doors. A lamppost nearby cast a glow of debauchery on all of their faces, especially Chuck’s. Smallmouth got out and walked up to them smiling and shaking his head.
“Well well well…” he said with a slight laugh.
“Your Uncle put on one hell of a clinic tonight ‘Mouth” one of the hands said.
“I…..I….I don’t know what they’re tawlkin bout son” Chuck slang out before a high pitched giggle.
“I got another couple rounds in me I thinks!”
Smallmouth laughed.
“Yeah I ain’t so sure about that uncle! Let’s get on home now and let these fellas get on too.”
“Y’alright alright” Chuck said as Smallmouth took him from his buddies arms into one of his own and led him to the passenger seat of his truck.
“Happy New Years boys!!! Let’s do it all again okay?” He hollered to his waving buddies as they drove back away from the barn and through the metal gate toward home.
“You have a good time Uncle?”
“Oh…ohhh…I reckon I showed those boys how to do it” Another childish giggle.
A light snow shower seasoned the cold air as the truck rolled down the gravel country road. In the yellow headlights it made a pleasant white noise for the eyes. Chuck put his hands up staggered and vertically, fingers together and outstretched, pointing out in front of the truck down the road like he was aiming up for a rifle shot. He closed one eye.
“Straight as an arrow ole son. You’re good at this.”
“I ain’t drunk pops” Smallmouth chuckled.
“Sure ya are. Everybody’s drunk son. Even people that ain’t drink. Ticket is to get drunk on good stuff” Chuck’s face calmed from a goofy grin as he kept his eyes out front into the slow swirling tube of visible night.
“You sound like you’re drunk on some pretty damn good stuff” Smallmouth retorted as they shared a look and a good laugh.
“Suppose’n you ain’t wrong. Gotta work on that just like you are. Proud o’ you for a couple days clean man. We’ll get right. We’ll get right. All I meant was that man is born to get drunk on somethin’ or other. What I mean is God. Man is born to get drunk on his God.” Chuck said as Smallmouth shot him a raised eyebrow look of confusion.
“Once God gets ya drunk then you’re home free ol’ son. That distillery is never ending eternal forever. That land flows with whiskey and honey.” They both shared another laugh.
“Okay okay I think I somewhat understand now Uncle.”
They rode in a few seconds of comfortable silence before Chuck put his hands up in an aim position down the road again.
“You know…man….man….man has a GOVERNOR…..you know that right?”
“A what? A governor?”
“That’s right a GOVERNOR…that’s right…a little bitty device in his brain that keeps him on the road…keeps him from turning right off into the dark. You ever hear that little voice that tells you you can turn off into the ditch…into oncomin’ traffic? Tells you you can shoot your buddy instead of the deer? That you can jump off the top of the building and onto the pavement when you’re up there enjoying the view?”
“I…uh…I don’t know…I mean maybe? Pretty sure those are intrusive thoughts and they’re normal.”
“Well whatever they are that’s what the governor is for. Keeps ya straight. Keeps ya from harmin nothin.”
“Alright man, alright.”
They pulled back into Chuck’s driveway and parked. Smallmouth helped his uncle out of the truck and up into the cabin, snow starting to color the roof and pile against the side of the house near the door. Arms locked Smallmouth propped open the screen door, opened the inner door, and led Chuck through the kitchen and to his bedroom. Chuck layed down on his camo comforter with a deep, long exhale.
“Ahhhh yes……yes” he whispered with a smile.
“I love ya son…I’m glad you’re heeeeere. Let’s get better….your mom needs it…..stay in the Lord’s light son…don’t let them devils get ya….let’s get better….lets….” He was off into the distant deep ether almost immediately, and his mouth hung open.
“Goodnight uncle…love ya too.” Smallmouth patted the bed twice before walking over and closing the bedroom door behind him.
He went and sat at the kitchen table. He regretted his behavior earlier in the night. How it pained him to have to stay up a little later to go help out his uncle.
“Cmon…” he whispered.
He agreed with Chuck. He was here to get better. To do better. Maybe Chuck was right. If he couldn’t get drunk off booze, it was time to pick something else to drink. Better things. Maybe even God? Smallmouth hadn’t paid much mind to God since his church job fell through. God surely hadn’t been there for him these last few years when he was at his lowest. Or was He there the whole time? Had Smallmouth just ignored Him? These things floated heavily in his mind and soon he realized he had been staring at the front door for several minutes. Had he even blinked? Then something else came to mind.
“Wait hold up”
That truck and trailer from earlier. What WAS that? He meant to bring it up to the ranch hands. They would’ve seen it come barreling down the road right by their front gate. Oh he wished he had brought that up to them. Oh well. It’s probably nothing. Smallmouth looked at the clock. 12:12.
“Happy New Year old boy.” He said to himself.
He sat for a moment in the warm kitchen light, his eyes not leaving the front door. Well, he’s up this late already, why not go run down and check on the abandoned properties?
No…no…it can wait. It’s probably nothing. Right?
Wrong. There’s that wailing kid in the back pew of his mind again. Come on kid can’t you just be quiet and listen to the sermon? No, no it can’t. It must be heard. Always. He knew he had to go check it out.
“Ughhhh FINE!” Smallmouth got up and grabbed his truck keys, patted to make sure his cigarettes were still there, and was out the door again.
The snow shower had ended. As he pulled up to the edge of the drive, he stalled for a moment and peaked out as far to the right as he could down the dark road. Nothing. It wasn’t very far to the end of that road, where two out of service mailboxes should’ve stood in a small cul-de-sac if it weren’t for teenagers beating them to splinters. Can’t really blame them either. Smallmouth considered his plan. Whether or not that truck belonged to the landowner down there, he shouldn’t feel like he needs to sneak around. He is merely a concerned neighbor after all. He began down the road and around that same corner the stranger disappeared earlier.
After a couple of slow, curious minutes Smallmouth could see the evidence of a great big fire in the near distance, beyond where the road ended. Through the bare trees and against the snow it cast orange and red that could surely be seen a mile in every direction, that is, if there were anyone there to see it.
Slightly intimidated, Smallmouth decided to turn off his headlights and let the fire guide him as he slowed up to 5mph and gently crackled his last few yards of gravel up to the remnants of the nearest mailbox post. It seemed the fire was on the land of the farther property, whose mailbox posthole was about 30 feet from where he came to a stop and parked his truck. Smallmouth turned it off and quietly got out into the cold. He crouched down as he walked over to the farther driveway, getting down on one knee to give it a stealthy closer look.
The abandoned property boasted a busted up trailer that sat pitifully about 500 feet from the mailbox memorial. Beyond that was a good ten acres of field that ended at the forest edge, which marked the beginning of thousands of acres of wildlife refuge. As Smallmouth peered on, it was obvious that the fire was way out in that field, blocked by the old trailer, which wore the hot light and columns of smoke on it like a devilish crown. Given the cover, Smallmouth crept over to the trailer and started easing around the right side.
Rounding the corner he noticed a propane tank that would be perfect for hiding behind and getting the best look he could at the mysterious activity. He got down on his belly and crawled his way over to the tank, before sitting up and peeking slowly over the top and out into the field.
Way down there, a couple acres away from the tree line, was a huge fire, made up of about fifty wooden pallets. It raged and lit up the whole field like it was just the beginning of sunset. Somewhat near the fire was the black Dodge Ram 3500 and trailer. Smallmouth could see a group of people dressed in all red, as if covered in bloody bedsheets from head to toe, circled around a crude cage, seemingly fastened together by pieces of metal fencing. They stood still as the pines, and twice as silent. Smallmouth, in a rare moment of curious courage, decided he had to get closer. He got back on his stomach and began to crawl through the cold, knee high grass.
Using the fire light as his North Star he crawled and crawled, feeling his hands, clothes, and beard get wet with snow. He didn’t care. Something was up that wasn’t normal, wasn’t right. He could feel it in his cold gut. When he thought he was close enough without giving himself away he planted his palms and ever so slowly raised his torso up into a weak push up to try and see out. He was glad he didn’t go any further. He may have been too close already.
He was close enough to read the name of the truck and count the holes in the livestock trailer. There were seven strangers in red sheets all around the makeshift cage, all holding long spears. One of the figures had a crown of black thorns on his head. They all had two eyeholes and one hole for the mouth. They didn’t move a muscle for the longest time, before the Crowned One forcibly touched the end of his spear to the ground.
“Now is the time, Brother and Farmer Abraham…there is no more for us in waiting.”
Smallmouth had just noticed the passenger window to the black Dodge was down, and he could hear the driver door open and soon saw a normal looking older man in a ball cap at the back of the trailer. He was holding a leash of some sort. He opened up the trailer and whistled into the dark of it. After a couple of loud, heavy thuds a gigantic, and I mean GIGANTIC Yorkshire pig came slowly shrugging out of the trailer. It was light pink in color but filthy, and gave wet sounding oinks as it came to the man’s hands expecting food. The thing must’ve weighed 1500 pounds, and at least ten feet long. It actually had to lower its head to reach the man’s hands, its ears coming up to the man’s chest. Smallmouth couldn’t believe his eyes. The man reached in his pocket and revealed a handful of some type of feed, which he tossed on the ground at the pig. It started right in as the man fixed a collar on the pigs girthy neck, then attaching a leash. The pig gave a slight squeal.
“Good girl, good girl…cmon now” the man called Farmer Abraham sweetly coaxed the animal. He gave his end of the leash a tug and the monstrous swine reluctantly left its food and followed the man over close to the Crowned One. The fire raged and raged nearby, throwing crazy shadows all over the place.
“What have you brought us, Brother and Farmer Abraham?”
“Yeah, uh, this is Old Azazel, she’s been in my family for years, man.”
The Crowned One dropped his spear and knelt down to the jowls of the hog, the dark holes of his eyes meeting those of the animal. The other red cloaked figures remained statuesque around the cage.
“Ah, yes, Old Azazel, hello. You are to be of great importance in the history of the Earth tonight, old friend.”
The Crowned One got back up to address Brother and Father Abraham, who seemed obviously put off, yet submissive.
“And is this Old Azazel a natural specimen? Is it fed only of the earth and the filths therein?”
“Yessir, I’d reckon so.”
“This is necessary for a proper sacrifice, Brother and Farmer Abraham. You may only bring your best, your cleanest, your most dear to the alter of the Almighty.”
“I understand.”
“May I take her now?”
The farmer gave his end of the leash to the black gloved left hand of the Crowned One. The Crowned one stood with it for almost a full minute in total stillness and silence. The only noise Smallmouth could hear was the sloppy smacks and oinks from Old Azazel. The farmer anxiously waited, wringing his hands expecting the next move from the Crowned One.
“Turn away, Brother and Farmer Abraham. Turn away from us and toward the fire now.” The Crowned One finally spoke.
“Phew, alright. We’re still good on our deal? Do you still promise to make my little girl better? Like you said?” The farmer asked, with some hopeful desperation.
“Turn now.”
“Well okay” the farmer turned his back to the Crowned One and toward the fire.
“I can assure you with all of the knowledge in my mind and in my heart, you will never see your daughter sick again in this lifetime, Brother and Father Abraham. You may find peace and solace in this truth.”
The farmer nodded in relief as he looked upon the fire. Smallmouth, taking it all in with great confusion, could see a smile on the farmers fire lit face, and turned back to the Crowned One just in time to see him reach under his red garment and pull out a pistol and shoot a round into the back of the farmers head, blowing his cap off, which frisbeed down near his shaking, crumpled body. Old Azazel threw a fit immediately, screaming and trying her best to flee. The Crowned One held the immense beast with one hand, and with seemingly little effort. The other red clothed figures finally made noise, laughing deep and heartily around the cage. The Crowned One, keeping Old Azazel close, walked over to the doubled over farmer, putting two more bullets into his head, essentially hollowing it out into a carnal mess. The farmers shaking mercifully stopped.
Smallmouth had to slam his forearm up to his mouth to muffle the scream that would’ve come out and blown his cover. His eyes were flown wide open and his arms were shivering.
The Crowned One put the pistol back under his red cloak and led the great pig, still squealing as high pitched and piercing as the human ear can withstand, over to the mouth of the cage, which was opened by the nearest red clothed stranger. Old Azazel flew in to the cage, having been unleashed by The Crowned One. It struggled around the cage, which was no bigger than 15x15 feet, giving it no room to get comfortable. It circled the inner perimeter, showing impressive speed for such a large animal. It squealed and squealed. The sound stung Smallmouths ears, and he covered them with his hands. He was still out of sight in the tall grass. The Red People around the cage laughed at the hogs entrapment. The Crowned One raised a hand to signal silence. The Red People were still and quiet again.
“Now, my brothers, the sacrificial gift is in our possession. Tonight…is a HOLY NIGHT.” The Crowned One raised his voice as if getting to the climax of a fire and brimstone sermon.
“TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY WHAT WAS ONCE CAST OUT BUT NEVER VANQUISHED!! WE WILL RID THE EARTH OF A GREAT ARMY!! AN ARMY OF HELL THAT HAS FAR TOO LONG ROAMED AND SICKENED OUR LANDS AND KILLED OUR LOVES!! TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY THE DESTROYERS…THE LEGION OF SATANS SOLDIERS BORN JUST AFTER THE GARDEN OF EDEN FELL…”
The Crowned One fell to his knees, his arms up and stretched toward the frozen sky. A mighty wind began blowing at Smallmouths back. He had to lower his head as it roared over him. After a moment it calmed and he was able to lift up again to see. Winds from all corners of the field met at the cage, swirling over it in a great snowy funnel that led up to the clouds. Old Azazel screamed and screamed from the cage.
“I SEE YOU VILLIANS!! I HEAR YOU HOSTS OF HELL!! I KNOW YOU LIVE IN THESE TREES!! I KNOW YOU COWER WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!! SHOW YOURSELF!! TAKE THE BODY OF THIS ANIMAL THAT I HAVE SET BEFORE YOU!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW AND FACE ME!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE I-“
The Crowned One’s vocal cord shredding performance was cut short by a single burst of black lightning that shot down from the middle of the snowy funnel cloud that surrounded the cage. The Crowned One and all the Red People were thrown several feet back from the blast. Thunder immediately exploded across the field. Smallmouth buried his face as the force and sound raced over him. Ears ringing, he kept his face down for a few seconds. He squinted back up to the strike zone.
The strange black lightning had blown the cage completely apart. Two of The Red People had been hit with the metal fencing. One laid motionless. The other gargled in pain as he put a hand to the pole that was sticking out of his sternum, having penetrated all the way through. His legs buckled and he fell forward, the end of the pole hitting the ground first and propping him up for a moment, before his body slowly slid down to the ground around the metal. He went silent. The other four Red People, yelling in surprise, gathered themselves, looking to the charred hole in the ground where Old Azazel should be, right in the center where the cage used to stand. The Crowned One got to his feet and picked up his spear.
“My brothers, gather your arms…” the Crowned One whispered, breathing heavily under his red cloak.
“The work is not over…”
The four remaining Red People grabbed their spears and slowly walked over to the burnt, smoking hole, holding an attack pose over it until further instructions were given.
“Are you with us, you age old tormentors?” This was the first time Smallmouth could hear fear in the tired voice of the Crowned One.
“Are you with us now? Are you ready to die, you infernal bastards? Are you ready to-“
The Crowned One was interrupted by a booming noise from the hole that tore Smallmouths wits to shreds. It was similar to the cry of Old Azazel, but much deeper and ten times louder and angrier. It was as if a freight train was blaring its horn and slamming its brakes at the same time.
“NOW MY BROTHERS!! STRIKE THE BEAST OF HELL WITH YOUR SPEARS! NOW!!!”
The Red People all threw their weapons down into the smoking hole. The hellish noise from within stopped in an instant. The Red People crowded closer to the edge of the hole, waiting for the smoke to clear. The Crowned One walked over to them, putting his black gloved hand on the shoulder of the nearest man.
“Oh, Brothers. Oh my dear, dear Brothers. Your acts tonight have rid the earth of a Great and Powerful Evil…”
Before he could continue, a fully enraged and re-inspired bellow thrust itself up and out of the hole like a serrated blade. Much, much louder and angrier than before. The Red People were taken aback in terror. Suddenly, from within the hole, a large head emerged and gaped a huge, disgusting maw up at the crowd. The head was burned black and its eyes were half boiled white and without pupils. It shrieked out that most terrible noise as if it didn’t need oxygen.
“There’s no way” Smallmouth heard himself say under his breath.
All in one motion, the beast leaped out of the hole, and turned to face its attackers. It was Old Azazel, except swollen with burnt mass. It appeared to have grown a half a size at least. Three spears stuck out of its sizzling, charcoal colored back. It snapped its gigantic jaws at the Red People, who shuddered in horror. The Crowned One spoke:
“DO NOT RELENT BROTHERS!! ATTACK!! ATTACK THE BRUTE!!”
He pulled his pistol back out of his cloak and fired the remaining three rounds on the new and horrible black burnt Old Azazel. The beast’s cloudy boiled egg eyes shot open along with its unnaturally stretched jaws. It took the three bullets as if they were tennis balls. At the speed of a charging grizzly and with multiple times the power Old Azazel raged over to The Crowned One and dove onto him mouth first, putting both front hooves on his chest as he was knocked down. The Crowned One cried out in a shockingly high pitched wail, like a man being electrocuted. The Beast bit right into the soft of his belly, and began to shake him around like an Orca trying to separate a seal from its pelt.
“OH GOD!!!! AHHHHHH GOD OHHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!! NOOOO!!!! OH GOD HELP ME!!!! MAMA!!!! OHHHH!!! MAMA!!!!!”
The beast ate and ate and shook and shook and tore and broke and destroyed while the Crowned One lost more and more of his body, all while crying out to the sky at the top of his punctured lungs. The other Red People sprinted to the black Dodge Ram, opened its doors and piled inside. Smallmouth heard it crank up and it began to speedily turn around and race away from the fire and back toward the road. The beast unhooked from the Crowned One and let out another ghastly roar of victory before biting into his neck, ending his screaming forever. The beast then left his half devoured body and began a tremendous and terrible charge after the truck, which was greatly slowed down by the trailer. Smallmouth put his face down as the beast passed him by only about 10 feet on its way to the truck, which had just made it back to the road and was using every RPM possible to get away from the demon charged killing machine on its heels. Smallmouth turned around to watch both parties disappear down the road, the echoes of that great and evil blasting noise stabbing his ears again. He remained on his stomach in the tall, snowy grass for another two minutes as he normalized his breath and tried to make any sense of what he just witnessed.
Eventually he slowly rose up and looked to make sure that terrible thing was indeed out of the area. No signs of life or death from up at the road. The danger was at least a couple miles away by now. Smallmouth then turned back toward the fire and to the dominated body of the Crowned One. He carefully walked up closer and closer. To his amazement he heard wheezy noises coming from the emptied out torso of the man, a scattering of insides and flesh and blood strewn all around him. Troubled, rattling breaths escaped from under the red clothed head, whose crown of thorns had flown off in the attack. Most of the red cloak had been ripped to shreds, and all that remained covered were his shoulders and above. The cloth slowly ebbed and flowed with breath. Smallmouth could not believe this man was still alive. His entire digestive system was eviscerated and his ribs were exposed. Smallmouth knelt down beside him and lifted his cloak over his head to let him at least breathe his last in the open air.
Smallmouth let out a gasp. This man had a face that Smallmouth knew very well. He recognized him immediately from the old church he worked at. The clean shaven face. The short, silver hair. The sharp nose. This was a man that had joined his church two weeks before the schism. He never spoke in church but it was rumored he would meet at the homes of different members and try to sway them to his strange ideas. He was the one rumored to have led the radical faction somewhere in the middle of the woods. To Smallmouth, it was all starting to make more sense.
“I know you,” Smallmouth said softly, “I know who you are. You tore a church in half didn’t you? You’re the crazy guy that split up my ole church! What the hell have you done?”
The man struggled to breathe and tried his best to spit up a couple of words. His neck had deep lacerations that flowed with escaping life.
“I…I…I…uhh…I only…I only…I only did what I believed…” he whispered before a wet, stifled breath.
“What did you do?!!!” Smallmouth grew angry, and his voice followed suit. This man had ruined his job and now he had unleashed something horrifying on his neighborhood. He had tampered with things that man has no business tampering with.
“I…I…I have…have…I have failed, Smallmouth Bassett” the man croaked. Smallmouth couldn’t believe he had bothered to remember his name.
“I have failed. I have failed. God help you all…” with that the man’s face fell and he let out one last slow exhale before all was still.
Smallmouth got back on his feet and looked away from the dead man and toward the fire, which towered and raged in the reflection of his eyes.
“Oh no…oh no…oh no” he said in between terrified breaths.
Then another though hit him like a wrecking ball.
“Uncle Chuck…”
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“Oh man, it’s bad” , he thought to himself.
He hadn’t shaved in weeks and his beard grew coarse and thick. A face that his mother had once called handsome had become a clean plate covered in steel wool. Well, maybe not so clean. Under and around his eyes were the obvious bruising of sleeplessness and his skin had lost its lively color and clarity of yesteryear.
“Ughhh” he groaned, turning away from the window to look over the porch and into the freezing, beckoning night.
The pickle that Jeremy “Smallmouth” Bassett found himself in involved his uncle, and his uncle’s evening logistics, to be precise. Smallmouth had been kicked out of his parents home on December 27th due to a slight misunderstanding at 2am when he believed the living room Christmas tree to be the downstairs bathroom. He had passed out on the couch after drinking a fire pit full of crushed Hamm’s cans and his brain tried desperately to get him up and to the nearby toilet. His little sister Stacy was tucked in fast asleep on a loveseat by the tree when she was brutally torn from her sugarplum dreams to hear the terrible hiss of Smallmouth’s folly. She screamed, the parents woke up, and, well, there you go. After well over three strikes, Smallmouth’s temporary residence had come to an end, and he was thrown to his mother’s brother’s cabin to dry up and straighten out before he could ever even be considered to return.
“You two deserve to live together. He can’t say no either because he owes me a lot more than this!” Smallmouth’s mother had screeched over him as he sat at the kitchen table the following morning with a cold bag of peas against his throbbing right temple. “You go there and you GET RIGHT!! I don’t care how long it takes just clean up your act and MAKE something of yourself! And for goodness sake tell Chuck to do the same, while he still has time!”
Yes, Uncle Chuck had his own shelf full of good time problems, and that’s what put Smallmouth in a bind tonight as he pondered over the white yonder that led to a black nothing, a black nothing that in the daylight pretended to be a forest. At night, it showed its true nature, an endless world of dark secrets and aching regret. At least that’s how Smallmouth saw it in this moment.
Chuck had gone down to the ranch he worked on for a New Years party with his work buddies. They liked to gather at the big barn where all of the vehicles and equipment were kept, sitting around a card table passing out stories about women and other trophy game that were either outright lied about or illegally poached. Oh, and they also liked to pass the bottle around. Therein lied the conundrum for Smallmouth.
Uncle Chuck was many things, but one thing he wasn’t was a drunk driver. Chuck’s wife Rebecca had been struck and killed by a drunk driver almost ten years ago when she was out jogging the back roads early one morning. Everyone assumed that’s what led him to his openly hard drinking and sneakily pill popping ways in the first place. For Chuck, most nights were kept at home, parked in front of a TV watching old westerns and cleaning out a full bottle of Wild Turkey 101 before snoring in his recliner. On the few nights he would go out, he would always call a ride if things got out of hand. As you can imagine, he tends to need a ride home.
“I should be home bout 11:30. Service ain’t so good up there near the barn so if it gets bout 11:15-11:20 and I ain’t home, go head and do me a favor and come grab me son.” Chuck had told Smallmouth before he left, closing the warped screen door behind him.
Smallmouth had spent the evening trying his best to stay entertained without the help of any chemical enhancement. His family’s anger and resentment really struck him and this time he was determined to truly get right and get his life back on the rails. He was 29 years old. He had gone through college clean as a whistle, bright and driven, receiving his MBA with plans to work his way up in a promising career in business. That worked for a couple years. Then he found a calling in ministry, deciding to quit the corporate world to fill an opening of a tiny country church in the area. They needed a deacon who could take care of things around the building and assist in the worship service. He wasn’t much for public speaking, haven been given the nickname Smallmouth at a young age due to his soft spoken nature, but he could pass plates and give a hushed prayer every now and then. He liked to mow and paint and help old ladies up the stairs. The quiet country life was really nice for him, for a while. Strange, radical ideas eventually spread through the church though, and half of its members left overnight to form their own congregation. Its funding cut in half, the church had to close its doors and the other members absorbed into other churches. Smallmouth rarely ever saw the people that had departed from the church, but rumors creeped that they met at an old abandoned building deep in the woods, performing all sorts of different acts and rituals that would purify themselves and destroy all evils. Nevertheless, Smallmouth was out of work and picked up shifts bartending at a small town dive. His soft fortitude was no match for the booze and drugs and women that would pass through there and soon he was out the door. That landed him mooching off of his parents, draining their sanity and eventually draining himself on their Christmas tree. The last strike.
So there he was all night, waiting up for uncle Chuck. He was two days clean of everything except caffeine and nicotine, a major improvement. He felt a boost of hope and confidence the first morning after a sober nights sleep. He found the mornings to be the best parts of the day. At least he had coffee and cigarettes to get him out of bed. That would wear off quickly and the rest of the day was filled with trying to find distractions until the sun set about 5pm. Then he would watch a movie or two with Chuck. Last night he had been able to call it early and go to sleep at 7pm shortly after Chuck started sawing logs in front of True Grit (the original John Wayne version of course). Tonight he saw 7pm struggle and churn into 8…….8:13……..8:48……9:05……9:29………..9:31………9:52……..9:58……….10:11…….10:12 (oh cmon)……10:27…….10:56…….and finally 11:08. It was like the clock was a 35 year old four cylinder engine oiled with crunchy peanut butter. Now, crunch time sat in the cold air as Smallmouth finished his cigarette and stewed over his decision. He really didn’t feel like going down to the barn and getting Chuck, even though it was only a couple miles. In the infancy of his sobriety he found the smallest of choices and activities to seem dire and at the very least upsettingly out of his way. Surely Chuck can get himself home on his own, right?
“No. Who knows if someone’s Aunt Rebecca or grandmother or son is out there on the road tonight” he thought.
As much as he had tried to screw up his life, Smallmouth usually knew what the right decision would be, even if he so often refused to listen. It was there ever so clearly on this New Year’s Eve, wailing in the back row of his mind like a misbehaved child during a church sermon. Smallmouth left the porch and went inside to grab his keys.
He walked out to his truck, got in, cranked it, let it sit down to one rpm, and started down the gravel driveway, which led to the gravel county road that Chuck and his few and far between neighbors lived on. He got to the mailbox and suddenly shot his attention up the road, where headlights revealed themselves out of the deep dark. It was rare to see any cars this far down Chuck’s road. In fact, there were no other houses to the right of Chuck’s cabin, spare for a couple of empty ones that were condemned but were attached to a lot of forest property.
Smallmouth squinted his eyes as a large black Dodge Ram 3500 came barreling by with a livestock trailer. Even inside his own truck he could hear a terrible noise coming from that trailer. He recognized it instantly as a pig squeal.
“The hell?” He whispered as the truck and trailer tore down the road, going around a nearby corner and out of sight. He couldn’t guess what on earth that could be about at this hour, and especially since nobody lived down there anyway. He shrugged it off though, and turned left out of the driveway, headed for drunk Uncle Chuck down at the ranch.
Ten minutes and a couple of snowy country miles later Smallmouth found himself through the metal gate of the ranch and up to the main barn, where a couple of smiling ranch hands had Chuck held up between them just outside one of two closed garage doors. A lamppost nearby cast a glow of debauchery on all of their faces, especially Chuck’s. Smallmouth got out and walked up to them smiling and shaking his head.
“Well well well…” he said with a slight laugh.
“Your Uncle put on one hell of a clinic tonight ‘Mouth” one of the hands said.
“I…..I….I don’t know what they’re tawlkin bout son” Chuck slang out before a high pitched giggle.
“I got another couple rounds in me I thinks!”
Smallmouth laughed.
“Yeah I ain’t so sure about that uncle! Let’s get on home now and let these fellas get on too.”
“Y’alright alright” Chuck said as Smallmouth took him from his buddies arms into one of his own and led him to the passenger seat of his truck.
“Happy New Years boys!!! Let’s do it all again okay?” He hollered to his waving buddies as they drove back away from the barn and through the metal gate toward home.
“You have a good time Uncle?”
“Oh…ohhh…I reckon I showed those boys how to do it” Another childish giggle.
A light snow shower seasoned the cold air as the truck rolled down the gravel country road. In the yellow headlights it made a pleasant white noise for the eyes. Chuck put his hands up staggered and vertically, fingers together and outstretched, pointing out in front of the truck down the road like he was aiming up for a rifle shot. He closed one eye.
“Straight as an arrow ole son. You’re good at this.”
“I ain’t drunk pops” Smallmouth chuckled.
“Sure ya are. Everybody’s drunk son. Even people that ain’t drink. Ticket is to get drunk on good stuff” Chuck’s face calmed from a goofy grin as he kept his eyes out front into the slow swirling tube of visible night.
“You sound like you’re drunk on some pretty damn good stuff” Smallmouth retorted as they shared a look and a good laugh.
“Suppose’n you ain’t wrong. Gotta work on that just like you are. Proud o’ you for a couple days clean man. We’ll get right. We’ll get right. All I meant was that man is born to get drunk on somethin’ or other. What I mean is God. Man is born to get drunk on his God.” Chuck said as Smallmouth shot him a raised eyebrow look of confusion.
“Once God gets ya drunk then you’re home free ol’ son. That distillery is never ending eternal forever. That land flows with whiskey and honey.” They both shared another laugh.
“Okay okay I think I somewhat understand now Uncle.”
They rode in a few seconds of comfortable silence before Chuck put his hands up in an aim position down the road again.
“You know…man….man….man has a GOVERNOR…..you know that right?”
“A what? A governor?”
“That’s right a GOVERNOR…that’s right…a little bitty device in his brain that keeps him on the road…keeps him from turning right off into the dark. You ever hear that little voice that tells you you can turn off into the ditch…into oncomin’ traffic? Tells you you can shoot your buddy instead of the deer? That you can jump off the top of the building and onto the pavement when you’re up there enjoying the view?”
“I…uh…I don’t know…I mean maybe? Pretty sure those are intrusive thoughts and they’re normal.”
“Well whatever they are that’s what the governor is for. Keeps ya straight. Keeps ya from harmin nothin.”
“Alright man, alright.”
They pulled back into Chuck’s driveway and parked. Smallmouth helped his uncle out of the truck and up into the cabin, snow starting to color the roof and pile against the side of the house near the door. Arms locked Smallmouth propped open the screen door, opened the inner door, and led Chuck through the kitchen and to his bedroom. Chuck layed down on his camo comforter with a deep, long exhale.
“Ahhhh yes……yes” he whispered with a smile.
“I love ya son…I’m glad you’re heeeeere. Let’s get better….your mom needs it…..stay in the Lord’s light son…don’t let them devils get ya….let’s get better….lets….” He was off into the distant deep ether almost immediately, and his mouth hung open.
“Goodnight uncle…love ya too.” Smallmouth patted the bed twice before walking over and closing the bedroom door behind him.
He went and sat at the kitchen table. He regretted his behavior earlier in the night. How it pained him to have to stay up a little later to go help out his uncle.
“Cmon…” he whispered.
He agreed with Chuck. He was here to get better. To do better. Maybe Chuck was right. If he couldn’t get drunk off booze, it was time to pick something else to drink. Better things. Maybe even God? Smallmouth hadn’t paid much mind to God since his church job fell through. God surely hadn’t been there for him these last few years when he was at his lowest. Or was He there the whole time? Had Smallmouth just ignored Him? These things floated heavily in his mind and soon he realized he had been staring at the front door for several minutes. Had he even blinked? Then something else came to mind.
“Wait hold up”
That truck and trailer from earlier. What WAS that? He meant to bring it up to the ranch hands. They would’ve seen it come barreling down the road right by their front gate. Oh he wished he had brought that up to them. Oh well. It’s probably nothing. Smallmouth looked at the clock. 12:12.
“Happy New Year old boy.” He said to himself.
He sat for a moment in the warm kitchen light, his eyes not leaving the front door. Well, he’s up this late already, why not go run down and check on the abandoned properties?
No…no…it can wait. It’s probably nothing. Right?
Wrong. There’s that wailing kid in the back pew of his mind again. Come on kid can’t you just be quiet and listen to the sermon? No, no it can’t. It must be heard. Always. He knew he had to go check it out.
“Ughhhh FINE!” Smallmouth got up and grabbed his truck keys, patted to make sure his cigarettes were still there, and was out the door again.
The snow shower had ended. As he pulled up to the edge of the drive, he stalled for a moment and peaked out as far to the right as he could down the dark road. Nothing. It wasn’t very far to the end of that road, where two out of service mailboxes should’ve stood in a small cul-de-sac if it weren’t for teenagers beating them to splinters. Can’t really blame them either. Smallmouth considered his plan. Whether or not that truck belonged to the landowner down there, he shouldn’t feel like he needs to sneak around. He is merely a concerned neighbor after all. He began down the road and around that same corner the stranger disappeared earlier.
After a couple of slow, curious minutes Smallmouth could see the evidence of a great big fire in the near distance, beyond where the road ended. Through the bare trees and against the snow it cast orange and red that could surely be seen a mile in every direction, that is, if there were anyone there to see it.
Slightly intimidated, Smallmouth decided to turn off his headlights and let the fire guide him as he slowed up to 5mph and gently crackled his last few yards of gravel up to the remnants of the nearest mailbox post. It seemed the fire was on the land of the farther property, whose mailbox posthole was about 30 feet from where he came to a stop and parked his truck. Smallmouth turned it off and quietly got out into the cold. He crouched down as he walked over to the farther driveway, getting down on one knee to give it a stealthy closer look.
The abandoned property boasted a busted up trailer that sat pitifully about 500 feet from the mailbox memorial. Beyond that was a good ten acres of field that ended at the forest edge, which marked the beginning of thousands of acres of wildlife refuge. As Smallmouth peered on, it was obvious that the fire was way out in that field, blocked by the old trailer, which wore the hot light and columns of smoke on it like a devilish crown. Given the cover, Smallmouth crept over to the trailer and started easing around the right side.
Rounding the corner he noticed a propane tank that would be perfect for hiding behind and getting the best look he could at the mysterious activity. He got down on his belly and crawled his way over to the tank, before sitting up and peeking slowly over the top and out into the field.
Way down there, a couple acres away from the tree line, was a huge fire, made up of about fifty wooden pallets. It raged and lit up the whole field like it was just the beginning of sunset. Somewhat near the fire was the black Dodge Ram 3500 and trailer. Smallmouth could see a group of people dressed in all red, as if covered in bloody bedsheets from head to toe, circled around a crude cage, seemingly fastened together by pieces of metal fencing. They stood still as the pines, and twice as silent. Smallmouth, in a rare moment of curious courage, decided he had to get closer. He got back on his stomach and began to crawl through the cold, knee high grass.
Using the fire light as his North Star he crawled and crawled, feeling his hands, clothes, and beard get wet with snow. He didn’t care. Something was up that wasn’t normal, wasn’t right. He could feel it in his cold gut. When he thought he was close enough without giving himself away he planted his palms and ever so slowly raised his torso up into a weak push up to try and see out. He was glad he didn’t go any further. He may have been too close already.
He was close enough to read the name of the truck and count the holes in the livestock trailer. There were seven strangers in red sheets all around the makeshift cage, all holding long spears. One of the figures had a crown of black thorns on his head. They all had two eyeholes and one hole for the mouth. They didn’t move a muscle for the longest time, before the Crowned One forcibly touched the end of his spear to the ground.
“Now is the time, Brother and Farmer Abraham…there is no more for us in waiting.”
Smallmouth had just noticed the passenger window to the black Dodge was down, and he could hear the driver door open and soon saw a normal looking older man in a ball cap at the back of the trailer. He was holding a leash of some sort. He opened up the trailer and whistled into the dark of it. After a couple of loud, heavy thuds a gigantic, and I mean GIGANTIC Yorkshire pig came slowly shrugging out of the trailer. It was light pink in color but filthy, and gave wet sounding oinks as it came to the man’s hands expecting food. The thing must’ve weighed 1500 pounds, and at least ten feet long. It actually had to lower its head to reach the man’s hands, its ears coming up to the man’s chest. Smallmouth couldn’t believe his eyes. The man reached in his pocket and revealed a handful of some type of feed, which he tossed on the ground at the pig. It started right in as the man fixed a collar on the pigs girthy neck, then attaching a leash. The pig gave a slight squeal.
“Good girl, good girl…cmon now” the man called Farmer Abraham sweetly coaxed the animal. He gave his end of the leash a tug and the monstrous swine reluctantly left its food and followed the man over close to the Crowned One. The fire raged and raged nearby, throwing crazy shadows all over the place.
“What have you brought us, Brother and Farmer Abraham?”
“Yeah, uh, this is Old Azazel, she’s been in my family for years, man.”
The Crowned One dropped his spear and knelt down to the jowls of the hog, the dark holes of his eyes meeting those of the animal. The other red cloaked figures remained statuesque around the cage.
“Ah, yes, Old Azazel, hello. You are to be of great importance in the history of the Earth tonight, old friend.”
The Crowned One got back up to address Brother and Father Abraham, who seemed obviously put off, yet submissive.
“And is this Old Azazel a natural specimen? Is it fed only of the earth and the filths therein?”
“Yessir, I’d reckon so.”
“This is necessary for a proper sacrifice, Brother and Farmer Abraham. You may only bring your best, your cleanest, your most dear to the alter of the Almighty.”
“I understand.”
“May I take her now?”
The farmer gave his end of the leash to the black gloved left hand of the Crowned One. The Crowned one stood with it for almost a full minute in total stillness and silence. The only noise Smallmouth could hear was the sloppy smacks and oinks from Old Azazel. The farmer anxiously waited, wringing his hands expecting the next move from the Crowned One.
“Turn away, Brother and Farmer Abraham. Turn away from us and toward the fire now.” The Crowned One finally spoke.
“Phew, alright. We’re still good on our deal? Do you still promise to make my little girl better? Like you said?” The farmer asked, with some hopeful desperation.
“Turn now.”
“Well okay” the farmer turned his back to the Crowned One and toward the fire.
“I can assure you with all of the knowledge in my mind and in my heart, you will never see your daughter sick again in this lifetime, Brother and Father Abraham. You may find peace and solace in this truth.”
The farmer nodded in relief as he looked upon the fire. Smallmouth, taking it all in with great confusion, could see a smile on the farmers fire lit face, and turned back to the Crowned One just in time to see him reach under his red garment and pull out a pistol and shoot a round into the back of the farmers head, blowing his cap off, which frisbeed down near his shaking, crumpled body. Old Azazel threw a fit immediately, screaming and trying her best to flee. The Crowned One held the immense beast with one hand, and with seemingly little effort. The other red clothed figures finally made noise, laughing deep and heartily around the cage. The Crowned One, keeping Old Azazel close, walked over to the doubled over farmer, putting two more bullets into his head, essentially hollowing it out into a carnal mess. The farmers shaking mercifully stopped.
Smallmouth had to slam his forearm up to his mouth to muffle the scream that would’ve come out and blown his cover. His eyes were flown wide open and his arms were shivering.
The Crowned One put the pistol back under his red cloak and led the great pig, still squealing as high pitched and piercing as the human ear can withstand, over to the mouth of the cage, which was opened by the nearest red clothed stranger. Old Azazel flew in to the cage, having been unleashed by The Crowned One. It struggled around the cage, which was no bigger than 15x15 feet, giving it no room to get comfortable. It circled the inner perimeter, showing impressive speed for such a large animal. It squealed and squealed. The sound stung Smallmouths ears, and he covered them with his hands. He was still out of sight in the tall grass. The Red People around the cage laughed at the hogs entrapment. The Crowned One raised a hand to signal silence. The Red People were still and quiet again.
“Now, my brothers, the sacrificial gift is in our possession. Tonight…is a HOLY NIGHT.” The Crowned One raised his voice as if getting to the climax of a fire and brimstone sermon.
“TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY WHAT WAS ONCE CAST OUT BUT NEVER VANQUISHED!! WE WILL RID THE EARTH OF A GREAT ARMY!! AN ARMY OF HELL THAT HAS FAR TOO LONG ROAMED AND SICKENED OUR LANDS AND KILLED OUR LOVES!! TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY THE DESTROYERS…THE LEGION OF SATANS SOLDIERS BORN JUST AFTER THE GARDEN OF EDEN FELL…”
The Crowned One fell to his knees, his arms up and stretched toward the frozen sky. A mighty wind began blowing at Smallmouths back. He had to lower his head as it roared over him. After a moment it calmed and he was able to lift up again to see. Winds from all corners of the field met at the cage, swirling over it in a great snowy funnel that led up to the clouds. Old Azazel screamed and screamed from the cage.
“I SEE YOU VILLIANS!! I HEAR YOU HOSTS OF HELL!! I KNOW YOU LIVE IN THESE TREES!! I KNOW YOU COWER WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!! SHOW YOURSELF!! TAKE THE BODY OF THIS ANIMAL THAT I HAVE SET BEFORE YOU!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW AND FACE ME!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE I-“
The Crowned One’s vocal cord shredding performance was cut short by a single burst of black lightning that shot down from the middle of the snowy funnel cloud that surrounded the cage. The Crowned One and all the Red People were thrown several feet back from the blast. Thunder immediately exploded across the field. Smallmouth buried his face as the force and sound raced over him. Ears ringing, he kept his face down for a few seconds. He squinted back up to the strike zone.
The strange black lightning had blown the cage completely apart. Two of The Red People had been hit with the metal fencing. One laid motionless. The other gargled in pain as he put a hand to the pole that was sticking out of his sternum, having penetrated all the way through. His legs buckled and he fell forward, the end of the pole hitting the ground first and propping him up for a moment, before his body slowly slid down to the ground around the metal. He went silent. The other four Red People, yelling in surprise, gathered themselves, looking to the charred hole in the ground where Old Azazel should be, right in the center where the cage used to stand. The Crowned One got to his feet and picked up his spear.
“My brothers, gather your arms…” the Crowned One whispered, breathing heavily under his red cloak.
“The work is not over…”
The four remaining Red People grabbed their spears and slowly walked over to the burnt, smoking hole, holding an attack pose over it until further instructions were given.
“Are you with us, you age old tormentors?” This was the first time Smallmouth could hear fear in the tired voice of the Crowned One.
“Are you with us now? Are you ready to die, you infernal bastards? Are you ready to-“
The Crowned One was interrupted by a booming noise from the hole that tore Smallmouths wits to shreds. It was similar to the cry of Old Azazel, but much deeper and ten times louder and angrier. It was as if a freight train was blaring its horn and slamming its brakes at the same time.
“NOW MY BROTHERS!! STRIKE THE BEAST OF HELL WITH YOUR SPEARS! NOW!!!”
The Red People all threw their weapons down into the smoking hole. The hellish noise from within stopped in an instant. The Red People crowded closer to the edge of the hole, waiting for the smoke to clear. The Crowned One walked over to them, putting his black gloved hand on the shoulder of the nearest man.
“Oh, Brothers. Oh my dear, dear Brothers. Your acts tonight have rid the earth of a Great and Powerful Evil…”
Before he could continue, a fully enraged and re-inspired bellow thrust itself up and out of the hole like a serrated blade. Much, much louder and angrier than before. The Red People were taken aback in terror. Suddenly, from within the hole, a large head emerged and gaped a huge, disgusting maw up at the crowd. The head was burned black and its eyes were half boiled white and without pupils. It shrieked out that most terrible noise as if it didn’t need oxygen.
“There’s no way” Smallmouth heard himself say under his breath.
All in one motion, the beast leaped out of the hole, and turned to face its attackers. It was Old Azazel, except swollen with burnt mass. It appeared to have grown a half a size at least. Three spears stuck out of its sizzling, charcoal colored back. It snapped its gigantic jaws at the Red People, who shuddered in horror. The Crowned One spoke:
“DO NOT RELENT BROTHERS!! ATTACK!! ATTACK THE BRUTE!!”
He pulled his pistol back out of his cloak and fired the remaining three rounds on the new and horrible black burnt Old Azazel. The beast’s cloudy boiled egg eyes shot open along with its unnaturally stretched jaws. It took the three bullets as if they were tennis balls. At the speed of a charging grizzly and with multiple times the power Old Azazel raged over to The Crowned One and dove onto him mouth first, putting both front hooves on his chest as he was knocked down. The Crowned One cried out in a shockingly high pitched wail, like a man being electrocuted. The Beast bit right into the soft of his belly, and began to shake him around like an Orca trying to separate a seal from its pelt.
“OH GOD!!!! AHHHHHH GOD OHHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!! NOOOO!!!! OH GOD HELP ME!!!! MAMA!!!! OHHHH!!! MAMA!!!!!”
The beast ate and ate and shook and shook and tore and broke and destroyed while the Crowned One lost more and more of his body, all while crying out to the sky at the top of his punctured lungs. The other Red People sprinted to the black Dodge Ram, opened its doors and piled inside. Smallmouth heard it crank up and it began to speedily turn around and race away from the fire and back toward the road. The beast unhooked from the Crowned One and let out another ghastly roar of victory before biting into his neck, ending his screaming forever. The beast then left his half devoured body and began a tremendous and terrible charge after the truck, which was greatly slowed down by the trailer. Smallmouth put his face down as the beast passed him by only about 10 feet on its way to the truck, which had just made it back to the road and was using every RPM possible to get away from the demon charged killing machine on its heels. Smallmouth turned around to watch both parties disappear down the road, the echoes of that great and evil blasting noise stabbing his ears again. He remained on his stomach in the tall, snowy grass for another two minutes as he normalized his breath and tried to make any sense of what he just witnessed.
Eventually he slowly rose up and looked to make sure that terrible thing was indeed out of the area. No signs of life or death from up at the road. The danger was at least a couple miles away by now. Smallmouth then turned back toward the fire and to the dominated body of the Crowned One. He carefully walked up closer and closer. To his amazement he heard wheezy noises coming from the emptied out torso of the man, a scattering of insides and flesh and blood strewn all around him. Troubled, rattling breaths escaped from under the red clothed head, whose crown of thorns had flown off in the attack. Most of the red cloak had been ripped to shreds, and all that remained covered were his shoulders and above. The cloth slowly ebbed and flowed with breath. Smallmouth could not believe this man was still alive. His entire digestive system was eviscerated and his ribs were exposed. Smallmouth knelt down beside him and lifted his cloak over his head to let him at least breathe his last in the open air.
Smallmouth let out a gasp. This man had a face that Smallmouth knew very well. He recognized him immediately from the old church he worked at. The clean shaven face. The short, silver hair. The sharp nose. This was a man that had joined his church two weeks before the schism. He never spoke in church but it was rumored he would meet at the homes of different members and try to sway them to his strange ideas. He was the one rumored to have led the radical faction somewhere in the middle of the woods. To Smallmouth, it was all starting to make more sense.
“I know you,” Smallmouth said softly, “I know who you are. You tore a church in half didn’t you? You’re the crazy guy that split up my ole church! What the hell have you done?”
The man struggled to breathe and tried his best to spit up a couple of words. His neck had deep lacerations that flowed with escaping life.
“I…I…I…uhh…I only…I only…I only did what I believed…” he whispered before a wet, stifled breath.
“What did you do?!!!” Smallmouth grew angry, and his voice followed suit. This man had ruined his job and now he had unleashed something horrifying on his neighborhood. He had tampered with things that man has no business tampering with.
“I…I…I have…have…I have failed, Smallmouth Bassett” the man croaked. Smallmouth couldn’t believe he had bothered to remember his name.
“I have failed. I have failed. God help you all…” with that the man’s face fell and he let out one last slow exhale before all was still.
Smallmouth got back on his feet and looked away from the dead man and toward the fire, which towered and raged in the reflection of his eyes.
“Oh no…oh no…oh no” he said in between terrified breaths.
Then another though hit him like a wrecking ball.
“Uncle Chuck…”
2024.05.18 01:33 SamMorrisHorror Them Devils Pt. 1
On the night when it all happened a young man called Smallmouth found himself in quite a pickle. He shivered and paced clumsily all over the second story porch of a cabin that used to be very nice, which overlooked a snowy down-sloping field that used to be kept up properly and carefully. He was already six packs deep into a carton of cigarettes he had bought only two days ago from a Casey’s General Store on his way up. He could recall the look on the young woman’s face at the register when he asked for a carton of Parliament Menthols, her eyes showing one blink of humorous surprise and another couple blinks of obvious concern, which faded to professional indifference as she rang in the sweet, icy killers. Smallmouth stopped his nervous dallying when he caught himself in the kitchen window; a large, shadowy figure sulking between the inside lights and the cold, almost glowing world downhill. His eyes still on his murky reflection, he patted his coat pockets for his seventh pack, pulling it out and smacking it against his left palm before cracking open and lighting it at his mouth. In a slow, warm flash, he could briefly see his own face in the window.
“Oh man, it’s bad” , he thought to himself.
He hadn’t shaved in weeks and his beard grew coarse and thick. A face that his mother had once called handsome had become a clean plate covered in steel wool. Well, maybe not so clean. Under and around his eyes were the obvious bruising of sleeplessness and his skin had lost its lively color and clarity of yesteryear.
“Ughhh” he groaned, turning away from the window to look over the porch and into the freezing, beckoning night.
The pickle that Jeremy “Smallmouth” Bassett found himself in involved his uncle, and his uncle’s evening logistics, to be precise. Smallmouth had been kicked out of his parents home on December 27th due to a slight misunderstanding at 2am when he believed the living room Christmas tree to be the downstairs bathroom. He had passed out on the couch after drinking a fire pit full of crushed Hamm’s cans and his brain tried desperately to get him up and to the nearby toilet. His little sister Stacy was tucked in fast asleep on a loveseat by the tree when she was brutally torn from her sugarplum dreams to hear the terrible hiss of Smallmouth’s folly. She screamed, the parents woke up, and, well, there you go. After well over three strikes, Smallmouth’s temporary residence had come to an end, and he was thrown to his mother’s brother’s cabin to dry up and straighten out before he could ever even be considered to return.
“You two deserve to live together. He can’t say no either because he owes me a lot more than this!” Smallmouth’s mother had screeched over him as he sat at the kitchen table the following morning with a cold bag of peas against his throbbing right temple. “You go there and you GET RIGHT!! I don’t care how long it takes just clean up your act and MAKE something of yourself! And for goodness sake tell Chuck to do the same, while he still has time!”
Yes, Uncle Chuck had his own shelf full of good time problems, and that’s what put Smallmouth in a bind tonight as he pondered over the white yonder that led to a black nothing, a black nothing that in the daylight pretended to be a forest. At night, it showed its true nature, an endless world of dark secrets and aching regret. At least that’s how Smallmouth saw it in this moment.
Chuck had gone down to the ranch he worked on for a New Years party with his work buddies. They liked to gather at the big barn where all of the vehicles and equipment were kept, sitting around a card table passing out stories about women and other trophy game that were either outright lied about or illegally poached. Oh, and they also liked to pass the bottle around. Therein lied the conundrum for Smallmouth.
Uncle Chuck was many things, but one thing he wasn’t was a drunk driver. Chuck’s wife Rebecca had been struck and killed by a drunk driver almost ten years ago when she was out jogging the back roads early one morning. Everyone assumed that’s what led him to his openly hard drinking and sneakily pill popping ways in the first place. For Chuck, most nights were kept at home, parked in front of a TV watching old westerns and cleaning out a full bottle of Wild Turkey 101 before snoring in his recliner. On the few nights he would go out, he would always call a ride if things got out of hand. As you can imagine, he tends to need a ride home.
“I should be home bout 11:30. Service ain’t so good up there near the barn so if it gets bout 11:15-11:20 and I ain’t home, go head and do me a favor and come grab me son.” Chuck had told Smallmouth before he left, closing the warped screen door behind him.
Smallmouth had spent the evening trying his best to stay entertained without the help of any chemical enhancement. His family’s anger and resentment really struck him and this time he was determined to truly get right and get his life back on the rails. He was 29 years old. He had gone through college clean as a whistle, bright and driven, receiving his MBA with plans to work his way up in a promising career in business. That worked for a couple years. Then he found a calling in ministry, deciding to quit the corporate world to fill an opening of a tiny country church in the area. They needed a deacon who could take care of things around the building and assist in the worship service. He wasn’t much for public speaking, haven been given the nickname Smallmouth at a young age due to his soft spoken nature, but he could pass plates and give a hushed prayer every now and then. He liked to mow and paint and help old ladies up the stairs. The quiet country life was really nice for him, for a while. Strange, radical ideas eventually spread through the church though, and half of its members left overnight to form their own congregation. Its funding cut in half, the church had to close its doors and the other members absorbed into other churches. Smallmouth rarely ever saw the people that had departed from the church, but rumors creeped that they met at an old abandoned building deep in the woods, performing all sorts of different acts and rituals that would purify themselves and destroy all evils. Nevertheless, Smallmouth was out of work and picked up shifts bartending at a small town dive. His soft fortitude was no match for the booze and drugs and women that would pass through there and soon he was out the door. That landed him mooching off of his parents, draining their sanity and eventually draining himself on their Christmas tree. The last strike.
So there he was all night, waiting up for uncle Chuck. He was two days clean of everything except caffeine and nicotine, a major improvement. He felt a boost of hope and confidence the first morning after a sober nights sleep. He found the mornings to be the best parts of the day. At least he had coffee and cigarettes to get him out of bed. That would wear off quickly and the rest of the day was filled with trying to find distractions until the sun set about 5pm. Then he would watch a movie or two with Chuck. Last night he had been able to call it early and go to sleep at 7pm shortly after Chuck started sawing logs in front of True Grit (the original John Wayne version of course). Tonight he saw 7pm struggle and churn into 8…….8:13……..8:48……9:05……9:29………..9:31………9:52……..9:58……….10:11…….10:12 (oh cmon)……10:27…….10:56…….and finally 11:08. It was like the clock was a 35 year old four cylinder engine oiled with crunchy peanut butter. Now, crunch time sat in the cold air as Smallmouth finished his cigarette and stewed over his decision. He really didn’t feel like going down to the barn and getting Chuck, even though it was only a couple miles. In the infancy of his sobriety he found the smallest of choices and activities to seem dire and at the very least upsettingly out of his way. Surely Chuck can get himself home on his own, right?
“No. Who knows if someone’s Aunt Rebecca or grandmother or son is out there on the road tonight” he thought.
As much as he had tried to screw up his life, Smallmouth usually knew what the right decision would be, even if he so often refused to listen. It was there ever so clearly on this New Year’s Eve, wailing in the back row of his mind like a misbehaved child during a church sermon. Smallmouth left the porch and went inside to grab his keys.
He walked out to his truck, got in, cranked it, let it sit down to one rpm, and started down the gravel driveway, which led to the gravel county road that Chuck and his few and far between neighbors lived on. He got to the mailbox and suddenly shot his attention up the road, where headlights revealed themselves out of the deep dark. It was rare to see any cars this far down Chuck’s road. In fact, there were no other houses to the right of Chuck’s cabin, spare for a couple of empty ones that were condemned but were attached to a lot of forest property.
Smallmouth squinted his eyes as a large black Dodge Ram 3500 came barreling by with a livestock trailer. Even inside his own truck he could hear a terrible noise coming from that trailer. He recognized it instantly as a pig squeal.
“The hell?” He whispered as the truck and trailer tore down the road, going around a nearby corner and out of sight. He couldn’t guess what on earth that could be about at this hour, and especially since nobody lived down there anyway. He shrugged it off though, and turned left out of the driveway, headed for drunk Uncle Chuck down at the ranch.
Ten minutes and a couple of snowy country miles later Smallmouth found himself through the metal gate of the ranch and up to the main barn, where a couple of smiling ranch hands had Chuck held up between them just outside one of two closed garage doors. A lamppost nearby cast a glow of debauchery on all of their faces, especially Chuck’s. Smallmouth got out and walked up to them smiling and shaking his head.
“Well well well…” he said with a slight laugh.
“Your Uncle put on one hell of a clinic tonight ‘Mouth” one of the hands said.
“I…..I….I don’t know what they’re tawlkin bout son” Chuck slang out before a high pitched giggle.
“I got another couple rounds in me I thinks!”
Smallmouth laughed.
“Yeah I ain’t so sure about that uncle! Let’s get on home now and let these fellas get on too.”
“Y’alright alright” Chuck said as Smallmouth took him from his buddies arms into one of his own and led him to the passenger seat of his truck.
“Happy New Years boys!!! Let’s do it all again okay?” He hollered to his waving buddies as they drove back away from the barn and through the metal gate toward home.
“You have a good time Uncle?”
“Oh…ohhh…I reckon I showed those boys how to do it” Another childish giggle.
A light snow shower seasoned the cold air as the truck rolled down the gravel country road. In the yellow headlights it made a pleasant white noise for the eyes. Chuck put his hands up staggered and vertically, fingers together and outstretched, pointing out in front of the truck down the road like he was aiming up for a rifle shot. He closed one eye.
“Straight as an arrow ole son. You’re good at this.”
“I ain’t drunk pops” Smallmouth chuckled.
“Sure ya are. Everybody’s drunk son. Even people that ain’t drink. Ticket is to get drunk on good stuff” Chuck’s face calmed from a goofy grin as he kept his eyes out front into the slow swirling tube of visible night.
“You sound like you’re drunk on some pretty damn good stuff” Smallmouth retorted as they shared a look and a good laugh.
“Suppose’n you ain’t wrong. Gotta work on that just like you are. Proud o’ you for a couple days clean man. We’ll get right. We’ll get right. All I meant was that man is born to get drunk on somethin’ or other. What I mean is God. Man is born to get drunk on his God.” Chuck said as Smallmouth shot him a raised eyebrow look of confusion.
“Once God gets ya drunk then you’re home free ol’ son. That distillery is never ending eternal forever. That land flows with whiskey and honey.” They both shared another laugh.
“Okay okay I think I somewhat understand now Uncle.”
They rode in a few seconds of comfortable silence before Chuck put his hands up in an aim position down the road again.
“You know…man….man….man has a GOVERNOR…..you know that right?”
“A what? A governor?”
“That’s right a GOVERNOR…that’s right…a little bitty device in his brain that keeps him on the road…keeps him from turning right off into the dark. You ever hear that little voice that tells you you can turn off into the ditch…into oncomin’ traffic? Tells you you can shoot your buddy instead of the deer? That you can jump off the top of the building and onto the pavement when you’re up there enjoying the view?”
“I…uh…I don’t know…I mean maybe? Pretty sure those are intrusive thoughts and they’re normal.”
“Well whatever they are that’s what the governor is for. Keeps ya straight. Keeps ya from harmin nothin.”
“Alright man, alright.”
They pulled back into Chuck’s driveway and parked. Smallmouth helped his uncle out of the truck and up into the cabin, snow starting to color the roof and pile against the side of the house near the door. Arms locked Smallmouth propped open the screen door, opened the inner door, and led Chuck through the kitchen and to his bedroom. Chuck layed down on his camo comforter with a deep, long exhale.
“Ahhhh yes……yes” he whispered with a smile.
“I love ya son…I’m glad you’re heeeeere. Let’s get better….your mom needs it…..stay in the Lord’s light son…don’t let them devils get ya….let’s get better….lets….” He was off into the distant deep ether almost immediately, and his mouth hung open.
“Goodnight uncle…love ya too.” Smallmouth patted the bed twice before walking over and closing the bedroom door behind him.
He went and sat at the kitchen table. He regretted his behavior earlier in the night. How it pained him to have to stay up a little later to go help out his uncle.
“Cmon…” he whispered.
He agreed with Chuck. He was here to get better. To do better. Maybe Chuck was right. If he couldn’t get drunk off booze, it was time to pick something else to drink. Better things. Maybe even God? Smallmouth hadn’t paid much mind to God since his church job fell through. God surely hadn’t been there for him these last few years when he was at his lowest. Or was He there the whole time? Had Smallmouth just ignored Him? These things floated heavily in his mind and soon he realized he had been staring at the front door for several minutes. Had he even blinked? Then something else came to mind.
“Wait hold up”
That truck and trailer from earlier. What WAS that? He meant to bring it up to the ranch hands. They would’ve seen it come barreling down the road right by their front gate. Oh he wished he had brought that up to them. Oh well. It’s probably nothing. Smallmouth looked at the clock. 12:12.
“Happy New Year old boy.” He said to himself.
He sat for a moment in the warm kitchen light, his eyes not leaving the front door. Well, he’s up this late already, why not go run down and check on the abandoned properties?
No…no…it can wait. It’s probably nothing. Right?
Wrong. There’s that wailing kid in the back pew of his mind again. Come on kid can’t you just be quiet and listen to the sermon? No, no it can’t. It must be heard. Always. He knew he had to go check it out.
“Ughhhh FINE!” Smallmouth got up and grabbed his truck keys, patted to make sure his cigarettes were still there, and was out the door again.
The snow shower had ended. As he pulled up to the edge of the drive, he stalled for a moment and peaked out as far to the right as he could down the dark road. Nothing. It wasn’t very far to the end of that road, where two out of service mailboxes should’ve stood in a small cul-de-sac if it weren’t for teenagers beating them to splinters. Can’t really blame them either. Smallmouth considered his plan. Whether or not that truck belonged to the landowner down there, he shouldn’t feel like he needs to sneak around. He is merely a concerned neighbor after all. He began down the road and around that same corner the stranger disappeared earlier.
After a couple of slow, curious minutes Smallmouth could see the evidence of a great big fire in the near distance, beyond where the road ended. Through the bare trees and against the snow it cast orange and red that could surely be seen a mile in every direction, that is, if there were anyone there to see it.
Slightly intimidated, Smallmouth decided to turn off his headlights and let the fire guide him as he slowed up to 5mph and gently crackled his last few yards of gravel up to the remnants of the nearest mailbox post. It seemed the fire was on the land of the farther property, whose mailbox posthole was about 30 feet from where he came to a stop and parked his truck. Smallmouth turned it off and quietly got out into the cold. He crouched down as he walked over to the farther driveway, getting down on one knee to give it a stealthy closer look.
The abandoned property boasted a busted up trailer that sat pitifully about 500 feet from the mailbox memorial. Beyond that was a good ten acres of field that ended at the forest edge, which marked the beginning of thousands of acres of wildlife refuge. As Smallmouth peered on, it was obvious that the fire was way out in that field, blocked by the old trailer, which wore the hot light and columns of smoke on it like a devilish crown. Given the cover, Smallmouth crept over to the trailer and started easing around the right side.
Rounding the corner he noticed a propane tank that would be perfect for hiding behind and getting the best look he could at the mysterious activity. He got down on his belly and crawled his way over to the tank, before sitting up and peeking slowly over the top and out into the field.
Way down there, a couple acres away from the tree line, was a huge fire, made up of about fifty wooden pallets. It raged and lit up the whole field like it was just the beginning of sunset. Somewhat near the fire was the black Dodge Ram 3500 and trailer. Smallmouth could see a group of people dressed in all red, as if covered in bloody bedsheets from head to toe, circled around a crude cage, seemingly fastened together by pieces of metal fencing. They stood still as the pines, and twice as silent. Smallmouth, in a rare moment of curious courage, decided he had to get closer. He got back on his stomach and began to crawl through the cold, knee high grass.
Using the fire light as his North Star he crawled and crawled, feeling his hands, clothes, and beard get wet with snow. He didn’t care. Something was up that wasn’t normal, wasn’t right. He could feel it in his cold gut. When he thought he was close enough without giving himself away he planted his palms and ever so slowly raised his torso up into a weak push up to try and see out. He was glad he didn’t go any further. He may have been too close already.
He was close enough to read the name of the truck and count the holes in the livestock trailer. There were seven strangers in red sheets all around the makeshift cage, all holding long spears. One of the figures had a crown of black thorns on his head. They all had two eyeholes and one hole for the mouth. They didn’t move a muscle for the longest time, before the Crowned One forcibly touched the end of his spear to the ground.
“Now is the time, Brother and Farmer Abraham…there is no more for us in waiting.”
Smallmouth had just noticed the passenger window to the black Dodge was down, and he could hear the driver door open and soon saw a normal looking older man in a ball cap at the back of the trailer. He was holding a leash of some sort. He opened up the trailer and whistled into the dark of it. After a couple of loud, heavy thuds a gigantic, and I mean GIGANTIC Yorkshire pig came slowly shrugging out of the trailer. It was light pink in color but filthy, and gave wet sounding oinks as it came to the man’s hands expecting food. The thing must’ve weighed 1500 pounds, and at least ten feet long. It actually had to lower its head to reach the man’s hands, its ears coming up to the man’s chest. Smallmouth couldn’t believe his eyes. The man reached in his pocket and revealed a handful of some type of feed, which he tossed on the ground at the pig. It started right in as the man fixed a collar on the pigs girthy neck, then attaching a leash. The pig gave a slight squeal.
“Good girl, good girl…cmon now” the man called Farmer Abraham sweetly coaxed the animal. He gave his end of the leash a tug and the monstrous swine reluctantly left its food and followed the man over close to the Crowned One. The fire raged and raged nearby, throwing crazy shadows all over the place.
“What have you brought us, Brother and Farmer Abraham?”
“Yeah, uh, this is Old Azazel, she’s been in my family for years, man.”
The Crowned One dropped his spear and knelt down to the jowls of the hog, the dark holes of his eyes meeting those of the animal. The other red cloaked figures remained statuesque around the cage.
“Ah, yes, Old Azazel, hello. You are to be of great importance in the history of the Earth tonight, old friend.”
The Crowned One got back up to address Brother and Father Abraham, who seemed obviously put off, yet submissive.
“And is this Old Azazel a natural specimen? Is it fed only of the earth and the filths therein?”
“Yessir, I’d reckon so.”
“This is necessary for a proper sacrifice, Brother and Farmer Abraham. You may only bring your best, your cleanest, your most dear to the alter of the Almighty.”
“I understand.”
“May I take her now?”
The farmer gave his end of the leash to the black gloved left hand of the Crowned One. The Crowned one stood with it for almost a full minute in total stillness and silence. The only noise Smallmouth could hear was the sloppy smacks and oinks from Old Azazel. The farmer anxiously waited, wringing his hands expecting the next move from the Crowned One.
“Turn away, Brother and Farmer Abraham. Turn away from us and toward the fire now.” The Crowned One finally spoke.
“Phew, alright. We’re still good on our deal? Do you still promise to make my little girl better? Like you said?” The farmer asked, with some hopeful desperation.
“Turn now.”
“Well okay” the farmer turned his back to the Crowned One and toward the fire.
“I can assure you with all of the knowledge in my mind and in my heart, you will never see your daughter sick again in this lifetime, Brother and Father Abraham. You may find peace and solace in this truth.”
The farmer nodded in relief as he looked upon the fire. Smallmouth, taking it all in with great confusion, could see a smile on the farmers fire lit face, and turned back to the Crowned One just in time to see him reach under his red garment and pull out a pistol and shoot a round into the back of the farmers head, blowing his cap off, which frisbeed down near his shaking, crumpled body. Old Azazel threw a fit immediately, screaming and trying her best to flee. The Crowned One held the immense beast with one hand, and with seemingly little effort. The other red clothed figures finally made noise, laughing deep and heartily around the cage. The Crowned One, keeping Old Azazel close, walked over to the doubled over farmer, putting two more bullets into his head, essentially hollowing it out into a carnal mess. The farmers shaking mercifully stopped.
Smallmouth had to slam his forearm up to his mouth to muffle the scream that would’ve come out and blown his cover. His eyes were flown wide open and his arms were shivering.
The Crowned One put the pistol back under his red cloak and led the great pig, still squealing as high pitched and piercing as the human ear can withstand, over to the mouth of the cage, which was opened by the nearest red clothed stranger. Old Azazel flew in to the cage, having been unleashed by The Crowned One. It struggled around the cage, which was no bigger than 15x15 feet, giving it no room to get comfortable. It circled the inner perimeter, showing impressive speed for such a large animal. It squealed and squealed. The sound stung Smallmouths ears, and he covered them with his hands. He was still out of sight in the tall grass. The Red People around the cage laughed at the hogs entrapment. The Crowned One raised a hand to signal silence. The Red People were still and quiet again.
“Now, my brothers, the sacrificial gift is in our possession. Tonight…is a HOLY NIGHT.” The Crowned One raised his voice as if getting to the climax of a fire and brimstone sermon.
“TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY WHAT WAS ONCE CAST OUT BUT NEVER VANQUISHED!! WE WILL RID THE EARTH OF A GREAT ARMY!! AN ARMY OF HELL THAT HAS FAR TOO LONG ROAMED AND SICKENED OUR LANDS AND KILLED OUR LOVES!! TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY THE DESTROYERS…THE LEGION OF SATANS SOLDIERS BORN JUST AFTER THE GARDEN OF EDEN FELL…”
The Crowned One fell to his knees, his arms up and stretched toward the frozen sky. A mighty wind began blowing at Smallmouths back. He had to lower his head as it roared over him. After a moment it calmed and he was able to lift up again to see. Winds from all corners of the field met at the cage, swirling over it in a great snowy funnel that led up to the clouds. Old Azazel screamed and screamed from the cage.
“I SEE YOU VILLIANS!! I HEAR YOU HOSTS OF HELL!! I KNOW YOU LIVE IN THESE TREES!! I KNOW YOU COWER WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!! SHOW YOURSELF!! TAKE THE BODY OF THIS ANIMAL THAT I HAVE SET BEFORE YOU!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW AND FACE ME!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE I-“
The Crowned One’s vocal cord shredding performance was cut short by a single burst of black lightning that shot down from the middle of the snowy funnel cloud that surrounded the cage. The Crowned One and all the Red People were thrown several feet back from the blast. Thunder immediately exploded across the field. Smallmouth buried his face as the force and sound raced over him. Ears ringing, he kept his face down for a few seconds. He squinted back up to the strike zone.
The strange black lightning had blown the cage completely apart. Two of The Red People had been hit with the metal fencing. One laid motionless. The other gargled in pain as he put a hand to the pole that was sticking out of his sternum, having penetrated all the way through. His legs buckled and he fell forward, the end of the pole hitting the ground first and propping him up for a moment, before his body slowly slid down to the ground around the metal. He went silent. The other four Red People, yelling in surprise, gathered themselves, looking to the charred hole in the ground where Old Azazel should be, right in the center where the cage used to stand. The Crowned One got to his feet and picked up his spear.
“My brothers, gather your arms…” the Crowned One whispered, breathing heavily under his red cloak.
“The work is not over…”
The four remaining Red People grabbed their spears and slowly walked over to the burnt, smoking hole, holding an attack pose over it until further instructions were given.
“Are you with us, you age old tormentors?” This was the first time Smallmouth could hear fear in the tired voice of the Crowned One.
“Are you with us now? Are you ready to die, you infernal bastards? Are you ready to-“
The Crowned One was interrupted by a booming noise from the hole that tore Smallmouths wits to shreds. It was similar to the cry of Old Azazel, but much deeper and ten times louder and angrier. It was as if a freight train was blaring its horn and slamming its brakes at the same time.
“NOW MY BROTHERS!! STRIKE THE BEAST OF HELL WITH YOUR SPEARS! NOW!!!”
The Red People all threw their weapons down into the smoking hole. The hellish noise from within stopped in an instant. The Red People crowded closer to the edge of the hole, waiting for the smoke to clear. The Crowned One walked over to them, putting his black gloved hand on the shoulder of the nearest man.
“Oh, Brothers. Oh my dear, dear Brothers. Your acts tonight have rid the earth of a Great and Powerful Evil…”
Before he could continue, a fully enraged and re-inspired bellow thrust itself up and out of the hole like a serrated blade. Much, much louder and angrier than before. The Red People were taken aback in terror. Suddenly, from within the hole, a large head emerged and gaped a huge, disgusting maw up at the crowd. The head was burned black and its eyes were half boiled white and without pupils. It shrieked out that most terrible noise as if it didn’t need oxygen.
“There’s no way” Smallmouth heard himself say under his breath.
All in one motion, the beast leaped out of the hole, and turned to face its attackers. It was Old Azazel, except swollen with burnt mass. It appeared to have grown a half a size at least. Three spears stuck out of its sizzling, charcoal colored back. It snapped its gigantic jaws at the Red People, who shuddered in horror. The Crowned One spoke:
“DO NOT RELENT BROTHERS!! ATTACK!! ATTACK THE BRUTE!!”
He pulled his pistol back out of his cloak and fired the remaining three rounds on the new and horrible black burnt Old Azazel. The beast’s cloudy boiled egg eyes shot open along with its unnaturally stretched jaws. It took the three bullets as if they were tennis balls. At the speed of a charging grizzly and with multiple times the power Old Azazel raged over to The Crowned One and dove onto him mouth first, putting both front hooves on his chest as he was knocked down. The Crowned One cried out in a shockingly high pitched wail, like a man being electrocuted. The Beast bit right into the soft of his belly, and began to shake him around like an Orca trying to separate a seal from its pelt.
“OH GOD!!!! AHHHHHH GOD OHHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!! NOOOO!!!! OH GOD HELP ME!!!! MAMA!!!! OHHHH!!! MAMA!!!!!”
The beast ate and ate and shook and shook and tore and broke and destroyed while the Crowned One lost more and more of his body, all while crying out to the sky at the top of his punctured lungs. The other Red People sprinted to the black Dodge Ram, opened its doors and piled inside. Smallmouth heard it crank up and it began to speedily turn around and race away from the fire and back toward the road. The beast unhooked from the Crowned One and let out another ghastly roar of victory before biting into his neck, ending his screaming forever. The beast then left his half devoured body and began a tremendous and terrible charge after the truck, which was greatly slowed down by the trailer. Smallmouth put his face down as the beast passed him by only about 10 feet on its way to the truck, which had just made it back to the road and was using every RPM possible to get away from the demon charged killing machine on its heels. Smallmouth turned around to watch both parties disappear down the road, the echoes of that great and evil blasting noise stabbing his ears again. He remained on his stomach in the tall, snowy grass for another two minutes as he normalized his breath and tried to make any sense of what he just witnessed.
Eventually he slowly rose up and looked to make sure that terrible thing was indeed out of the area. No signs of life or death from up at the road. The danger was at least a couple miles away by now. Smallmouth then turned back toward the fire and to the dominated body of the Crowned One. He carefully walked up closer and closer. To his amazement he heard wheezy noises coming from the emptied out torso of the man, a scattering of insides and flesh and blood strewn all around him. Troubled, rattling breaths escaped from under the red clothed head, whose crown of thorns had flown off in the attack. Most of the red cloak had been ripped to shreds, and all that remained covered were his shoulders and above. The cloth slowly ebbed and flowed with breath. Smallmouth could not believe this man was still alive. His entire digestive system was eviscerated and his ribs were exposed. Smallmouth knelt down beside him and lifted his cloak over his head to let him at least breathe his last in the open air.
Smallmouth let out a gasp. This man had a face that Smallmouth knew very well. He recognized him immediately from the old church he worked at. The clean shaven face. The short, silver hair. The sharp nose. This was a man that had joined his church two weeks before the schism. He never spoke in church but it was rumored he would meet at the homes of different members and try to sway them to his strange ideas. He was the one rumored to have led the radical faction somewhere in the middle of the woods. To Smallmouth, it was all starting to make more sense.
“I know you,” Smallmouth said softly, “I know who you are. You tore a church in half didn’t you? You’re the crazy guy that split up my ole church! What the hell have you done?”
The man struggled to breathe and tried his best to spit up a couple of words. His neck had deep lacerations that flowed with escaping life.
“I…I…I…uhh…I only…I only…I only did what I believed…” he whispered before a wet, stifled breath.
“What did you do?!!!” Smallmouth grew angry, and his voice followed suit. This man had ruined his job and now he had unleashed something horrifying on his neighborhood. He had tampered with things that man has no business tampering with.
“I…I…I have…have…I have failed, Smallmouth Bassett” the man croaked. Smallmouth couldn’t believe he had bothered to remember his name.
“I have failed. I have failed. God help you all…” with that the man’s face fell and he let out one last slow exhale before all was still.
Smallmouth got back on his feet and looked away from the dead man and toward the fire, which towered and raged in the reflection of his eyes.
“Oh no…oh no…oh no” he said in between terrified breaths.
Then another though hit him like a wrecking ball.
“Uncle Chuck…”
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“Oh man, it’s bad” , he thought to himself.
He hadn’t shaved in weeks and his beard grew coarse and thick. A face that his mother had once called handsome had become a clean plate covered in steel wool. Well, maybe not so clean. Under and around his eyes were the obvious bruising of sleeplessness and his skin had lost its lively color and clarity of yesteryear.
“Ughhh” he groaned, turning away from the window to look over the porch and into the freezing, beckoning night.
The pickle that Jeremy “Smallmouth” Bassett found himself in involved his uncle, and his uncle’s evening logistics, to be precise. Smallmouth had been kicked out of his parents home on December 27th due to a slight misunderstanding at 2am when he believed the living room Christmas tree to be the downstairs bathroom. He had passed out on the couch after drinking a fire pit full of crushed Hamm’s cans and his brain tried desperately to get him up and to the nearby toilet. His little sister Stacy was tucked in fast asleep on a loveseat by the tree when she was brutally torn from her sugarplum dreams to hear the terrible hiss of Smallmouth’s folly. She screamed, the parents woke up, and, well, there you go. After well over three strikes, Smallmouth’s temporary residence had come to an end, and he was thrown to his mother’s brother’s cabin to dry up and straighten out before he could ever even be considered to return.
“You two deserve to live together. He can’t say no either because he owes me a lot more than this!” Smallmouth’s mother had screeched over him as he sat at the kitchen table the following morning with a cold bag of peas against his throbbing right temple. “You go there and you GET RIGHT!! I don’t care how long it takes just clean up your act and MAKE something of yourself! And for goodness sake tell Chuck to do the same, while he still has time!”
Yes, Uncle Chuck had his own shelf full of good time problems, and that’s what put Smallmouth in a bind tonight as he pondered over the white yonder that led to a black nothing, a black nothing that in the daylight pretended to be a forest. At night, it showed its true nature, an endless world of dark secrets and aching regret. At least that’s how Smallmouth saw it in this moment.
Chuck had gone down to the ranch he worked on for a New Years party with his work buddies. They liked to gather at the big barn where all of the vehicles and equipment were kept, sitting around a card table passing out stories about women and other trophy game that were either outright lied about or illegally poached. Oh, and they also liked to pass the bottle around. Therein lied the conundrum for Smallmouth.
Uncle Chuck was many things, but one thing he wasn’t was a drunk driver. Chuck’s wife Rebecca had been struck and killed by a drunk driver almost ten years ago when she was out jogging the back roads early one morning. Everyone assumed that’s what led him to his openly hard drinking and sneakily pill popping ways in the first place. For Chuck, most nights were kept at home, parked in front of a TV watching old westerns and cleaning out a full bottle of Wild Turkey 101 before snoring in his recliner. On the few nights he would go out, he would always call a ride if things got out of hand. As you can imagine, he tends to need a ride home.
“I should be home bout 11:30. Service ain’t so good up there near the barn so if it gets bout 11:15-11:20 and I ain’t home, go head and do me a favor and come grab me son.” Chuck had told Smallmouth before he left, closing the warped screen door behind him.
Smallmouth had spent the evening trying his best to stay entertained without the help of any chemical enhancement. His family’s anger and resentment really struck him and this time he was determined to truly get right and get his life back on the rails. He was 29 years old. He had gone through college clean as a whistle, bright and driven, receiving his MBA with plans to work his way up in a promising career in business. That worked for a couple years. Then he found a calling in ministry, deciding to quit the corporate world to fill an opening of a tiny country church in the area. They needed a deacon who could take care of things around the building and assist in the worship service. He wasn’t much for public speaking, haven been given the nickname Smallmouth at a young age due to his soft spoken nature, but he could pass plates and give a hushed prayer every now and then. He liked to mow and paint and help old ladies up the stairs. The quiet country life was really nice for him, for a while. Strange, radical ideas eventually spread through the church though, and half of its members left overnight to form their own congregation. Its funding cut in half, the church had to close its doors and the other members absorbed into other churches. Smallmouth rarely ever saw the people that had departed from the church, but rumors creeped that they met at an old abandoned building deep in the woods, performing all sorts of different acts and rituals that would purify themselves and destroy all evils. Nevertheless, Smallmouth was out of work and picked up shifts bartending at a small town dive. His soft fortitude was no match for the booze and drugs and women that would pass through there and soon he was out the door. That landed him mooching off of his parents, draining their sanity and eventually draining himself on their Christmas tree. The last strike.
So there he was all night, waiting up for uncle Chuck. He was two days clean of everything except caffeine and nicotine, a major improvement. He felt a boost of hope and confidence the first morning after a sober nights sleep. He found the mornings to be the best parts of the day. At least he had coffee and cigarettes to get him out of bed. That would wear off quickly and the rest of the day was filled with trying to find distractions until the sun set about 5pm. Then he would watch a movie or two with Chuck. Last night he had been able to call it early and go to sleep at 7pm shortly after Chuck started sawing logs in front of True Grit (the original John Wayne version of course). Tonight he saw 7pm struggle and churn into 8…….8:13……..8:48……9:05……9:29………..9:31………9:52……..9:58……….10:11…….10:12 (oh cmon)……10:27…….10:56…….and finally 11:08. It was like the clock was a 35 year old four cylinder engine oiled with crunchy peanut butter. Now, crunch time sat in the cold air as Smallmouth finished his cigarette and stewed over his decision. He really didn’t feel like going down to the barn and getting Chuck, even though it was only a couple miles. In the infancy of his sobriety he found the smallest of choices and activities to seem dire and at the very least upsettingly out of his way. Surely Chuck can get himself home on his own, right?
“No. Who knows if someone’s Aunt Rebecca or grandmother or son is out there on the road tonight” he thought.
As much as he had tried to screw up his life, Smallmouth usually knew what the right decision would be, even if he so often refused to listen. It was there ever so clearly on this New Year’s Eve, wailing in the back row of his mind like a misbehaved child during a church sermon. Smallmouth left the porch and went inside to grab his keys.
He walked out to his truck, got in, cranked it, let it sit down to one rpm, and started down the gravel driveway, which led to the gravel county road that Chuck and his few and far between neighbors lived on. He got to the mailbox and suddenly shot his attention up the road, where headlights revealed themselves out of the deep dark. It was rare to see any cars this far down Chuck’s road. In fact, there were no other houses to the right of Chuck’s cabin, spare for a couple of empty ones that were condemned but were attached to a lot of forest property.
Smallmouth squinted his eyes as a large black Dodge Ram 3500 came barreling by with a livestock trailer. Even inside his own truck he could hear a terrible noise coming from that trailer. He recognized it instantly as a pig squeal.
“The hell?” He whispered as the truck and trailer tore down the road, going around a nearby corner and out of sight. He couldn’t guess what on earth that could be about at this hour, and especially since nobody lived down there anyway. He shrugged it off though, and turned left out of the driveway, headed for drunk Uncle Chuck down at the ranch.
Ten minutes and a couple of snowy country miles later Smallmouth found himself through the metal gate of the ranch and up to the main barn, where a couple of smiling ranch hands had Chuck held up between them just outside one of two closed garage doors. A lamppost nearby cast a glow of debauchery on all of their faces, especially Chuck’s. Smallmouth got out and walked up to them smiling and shaking his head.
“Well well well…” he said with a slight laugh.
“Your Uncle put on one hell of a clinic tonight ‘Mouth” one of the hands said.
“I…..I….I don’t know what they’re tawlkin bout son” Chuck slang out before a high pitched giggle.
“I got another couple rounds in me I thinks!”
Smallmouth laughed.
“Yeah I ain’t so sure about that uncle! Let’s get on home now and let these fellas get on too.”
“Y’alright alright” Chuck said as Smallmouth took him from his buddies arms into one of his own and led him to the passenger seat of his truck.
“Happy New Years boys!!! Let’s do it all again okay?” He hollered to his waving buddies as they drove back away from the barn and through the metal gate toward home.
“You have a good time Uncle?”
“Oh…ohhh…I reckon I showed those boys how to do it” Another childish giggle.
A light snow shower seasoned the cold air as the truck rolled down the gravel country road. In the yellow headlights it made a pleasant white noise for the eyes. Chuck put his hands up staggered and vertically, fingers together and outstretched, pointing out in front of the truck down the road like he was aiming up for a rifle shot. He closed one eye.
“Straight as an arrow ole son. You’re good at this.”
“I ain’t drunk pops” Smallmouth chuckled.
“Sure ya are. Everybody’s drunk son. Even people that ain’t drink. Ticket is to get drunk on good stuff” Chuck’s face calmed from a goofy grin as he kept his eyes out front into the slow swirling tube of visible night.
“You sound like you’re drunk on some pretty damn good stuff” Smallmouth retorted as they shared a look and a good laugh.
“Suppose’n you ain’t wrong. Gotta work on that just like you are. Proud o’ you for a couple days clean man. We’ll get right. We’ll get right. All I meant was that man is born to get drunk on somethin’ or other. What I mean is God. Man is born to get drunk on his God.” Chuck said as Smallmouth shot him a raised eyebrow look of confusion.
“Once God gets ya drunk then you’re home free ol’ son. That distillery is never ending eternal forever. That land flows with whiskey and honey.” They both shared another laugh.
“Okay okay I think I somewhat understand now Uncle.”
They rode in a few seconds of comfortable silence before Chuck put his hands up in an aim position down the road again.
“You know…man….man….man has a GOVERNOR…..you know that right?”
“A what? A governor?”
“That’s right a GOVERNOR…that’s right…a little bitty device in his brain that keeps him on the road…keeps him from turning right off into the dark. You ever hear that little voice that tells you you can turn off into the ditch…into oncomin’ traffic? Tells you you can shoot your buddy instead of the deer? That you can jump off the top of the building and onto the pavement when you’re up there enjoying the view?”
“I…uh…I don’t know…I mean maybe? Pretty sure those are intrusive thoughts and they’re normal.”
“Well whatever they are that’s what the governor is for. Keeps ya straight. Keeps ya from harmin nothin.”
“Alright man, alright.”
They pulled back into Chuck’s driveway and parked. Smallmouth helped his uncle out of the truck and up into the cabin, snow starting to color the roof and pile against the side of the house near the door. Arms locked Smallmouth propped open the screen door, opened the inner door, and led Chuck through the kitchen and to his bedroom. Chuck layed down on his camo comforter with a deep, long exhale.
“Ahhhh yes……yes” he whispered with a smile.
“I love ya son…I’m glad you’re heeeeere. Let’s get better….your mom needs it…..stay in the Lord’s light son…don’t let them devils get ya….let’s get better….lets….” He was off into the distant deep ether almost immediately, and his mouth hung open.
“Goodnight uncle…love ya too.” Smallmouth patted the bed twice before walking over and closing the bedroom door behind him.
He went and sat at the kitchen table. He regretted his behavior earlier in the night. How it pained him to have to stay up a little later to go help out his uncle.
“Cmon…” he whispered.
He agreed with Chuck. He was here to get better. To do better. Maybe Chuck was right. If he couldn’t get drunk off booze, it was time to pick something else to drink. Better things. Maybe even God? Smallmouth hadn’t paid much mind to God since his church job fell through. God surely hadn’t been there for him these last few years when he was at his lowest. Or was He there the whole time? Had Smallmouth just ignored Him? These things floated heavily in his mind and soon he realized he had been staring at the front door for several minutes. Had he even blinked? Then something else came to mind.
“Wait hold up”
That truck and trailer from earlier. What WAS that? He meant to bring it up to the ranch hands. They would’ve seen it come barreling down the road right by their front gate. Oh he wished he had brought that up to them. Oh well. It’s probably nothing. Smallmouth looked at the clock. 12:12.
“Happy New Year old boy.” He said to himself.
He sat for a moment in the warm kitchen light, his eyes not leaving the front door. Well, he’s up this late already, why not go run down and check on the abandoned properties?
No…no…it can wait. It’s probably nothing. Right?
Wrong. There’s that wailing kid in the back pew of his mind again. Come on kid can’t you just be quiet and listen to the sermon? No, no it can’t. It must be heard. Always. He knew he had to go check it out.
“Ughhhh FINE!” Smallmouth got up and grabbed his truck keys, patted to make sure his cigarettes were still there, and was out the door again.
The snow shower had ended. As he pulled up to the edge of the drive, he stalled for a moment and peaked out as far to the right as he could down the dark road. Nothing. It wasn’t very far to the end of that road, where two out of service mailboxes should’ve stood in a small cul-de-sac if it weren’t for teenagers beating them to splinters. Can’t really blame them either. Smallmouth considered his plan. Whether or not that truck belonged to the landowner down there, he shouldn’t feel like he needs to sneak around. He is merely a concerned neighbor after all. He began down the road and around that same corner the stranger disappeared earlier.
After a couple of slow, curious minutes Smallmouth could see the evidence of a great big fire in the near distance, beyond where the road ended. Through the bare trees and against the snow it cast orange and red that could surely be seen a mile in every direction, that is, if there were anyone there to see it.
Slightly intimidated, Smallmouth decided to turn off his headlights and let the fire guide him as he slowed up to 5mph and gently crackled his last few yards of gravel up to the remnants of the nearest mailbox post. It seemed the fire was on the land of the farther property, whose mailbox posthole was about 30 feet from where he came to a stop and parked his truck. Smallmouth turned it off and quietly got out into the cold. He crouched down as he walked over to the farther driveway, getting down on one knee to give it a stealthy closer look.
The abandoned property boasted a busted up trailer that sat pitifully about 500 feet from the mailbox memorial. Beyond that was a good ten acres of field that ended at the forest edge, which marked the beginning of thousands of acres of wildlife refuge. As Smallmouth peered on, it was obvious that the fire was way out in that field, blocked by the old trailer, which wore the hot light and columns of smoke on it like a devilish crown. Given the cover, Smallmouth crept over to the trailer and started easing around the right side.
Rounding the corner he noticed a propane tank that would be perfect for hiding behind and getting the best look he could at the mysterious activity. He got down on his belly and crawled his way over to the tank, before sitting up and peeking slowly over the top and out into the field.
Way down there, a couple acres away from the tree line, was a huge fire, made up of about fifty wooden pallets. It raged and lit up the whole field like it was just the beginning of sunset. Somewhat near the fire was the black Dodge Ram 3500 and trailer. Smallmouth could see a group of people dressed in all red, as if covered in bloody bedsheets from head to toe, circled around a crude cage, seemingly fastened together by pieces of metal fencing. They stood still as the pines, and twice as silent. Smallmouth, in a rare moment of curious courage, decided he had to get closer. He got back on his stomach and began to crawl through the cold, knee high grass.
Using the fire light as his North Star he crawled and crawled, feeling his hands, clothes, and beard get wet with snow. He didn’t care. Something was up that wasn’t normal, wasn’t right. He could feel it in his cold gut. When he thought he was close enough without giving himself away he planted his palms and ever so slowly raised his torso up into a weak push up to try and see out. He was glad he didn’t go any further. He may have been too close already.
He was close enough to read the name of the truck and count the holes in the livestock trailer. There were seven strangers in red sheets all around the makeshift cage, all holding long spears. One of the figures had a crown of black thorns on his head. They all had two eyeholes and one hole for the mouth. They didn’t move a muscle for the longest time, before the Crowned One forcibly touched the end of his spear to the ground.
“Now is the time, Brother and Farmer Abraham…there is no more for us in waiting.”
Smallmouth had just noticed the passenger window to the black Dodge was down, and he could hear the driver door open and soon saw a normal looking older man in a ball cap at the back of the trailer. He was holding a leash of some sort. He opened up the trailer and whistled into the dark of it. After a couple of loud, heavy thuds a gigantic, and I mean GIGANTIC Yorkshire pig came slowly shrugging out of the trailer. It was light pink in color but filthy, and gave wet sounding oinks as it came to the man’s hands expecting food. The thing must’ve weighed 1500 pounds, and at least ten feet long. It actually had to lower its head to reach the man’s hands, its ears coming up to the man’s chest. Smallmouth couldn’t believe his eyes. The man reached in his pocket and revealed a handful of some type of feed, which he tossed on the ground at the pig. It started right in as the man fixed a collar on the pigs girthy neck, then attaching a leash. The pig gave a slight squeal.
“Good girl, good girl…cmon now” the man called Farmer Abraham sweetly coaxed the animal. He gave his end of the leash a tug and the monstrous swine reluctantly left its food and followed the man over close to the Crowned One. The fire raged and raged nearby, throwing crazy shadows all over the place.
“What have you brought us, Brother and Farmer Abraham?”
“Yeah, uh, this is Old Azazel, she’s been in my family for years, man.”
The Crowned One dropped his spear and knelt down to the jowls of the hog, the dark holes of his eyes meeting those of the animal. The other red cloaked figures remained statuesque around the cage.
“Ah, yes, Old Azazel, hello. You are to be of great importance in the history of the Earth tonight, old friend.”
The Crowned One got back up to address Brother and Father Abraham, who seemed obviously put off, yet submissive.
“And is this Old Azazel a natural specimen? Is it fed only of the earth and the filths therein?”
“Yessir, I’d reckon so.”
“This is necessary for a proper sacrifice, Brother and Farmer Abraham. You may only bring your best, your cleanest, your most dear to the alter of the Almighty.”
“I understand.”
“May I take her now?”
The farmer gave his end of the leash to the black gloved left hand of the Crowned One. The Crowned one stood with it for almost a full minute in total stillness and silence. The only noise Smallmouth could hear was the sloppy smacks and oinks from Old Azazel. The farmer anxiously waited, wringing his hands expecting the next move from the Crowned One.
“Turn away, Brother and Farmer Abraham. Turn away from us and toward the fire now.” The Crowned One finally spoke.
“Phew, alright. We’re still good on our deal? Do you still promise to make my little girl better? Like you said?” The farmer asked, with some hopeful desperation.
“Turn now.”
“Well okay” the farmer turned his back to the Crowned One and toward the fire.
“I can assure you with all of the knowledge in my mind and in my heart, you will never see your daughter sick again in this lifetime, Brother and Father Abraham. You may find peace and solace in this truth.”
The farmer nodded in relief as he looked upon the fire. Smallmouth, taking it all in with great confusion, could see a smile on the farmers fire lit face, and turned back to the Crowned One just in time to see him reach under his red garment and pull out a pistol and shoot a round into the back of the farmers head, blowing his cap off, which frisbeed down near his shaking, crumpled body. Old Azazel threw a fit immediately, screaming and trying her best to flee. The Crowned One held the immense beast with one hand, and with seemingly little effort. The other red clothed figures finally made noise, laughing deep and heartily around the cage. The Crowned One, keeping Old Azazel close, walked over to the doubled over farmer, putting two more bullets into his head, essentially hollowing it out into a carnal mess. The farmers shaking mercifully stopped.
Smallmouth had to slam his forearm up to his mouth to muffle the scream that would’ve come out and blown his cover. His eyes were flown wide open and his arms were shivering.
The Crowned One put the pistol back under his red cloak and led the great pig, still squealing as high pitched and piercing as the human ear can withstand, over to the mouth of the cage, which was opened by the nearest red clothed stranger. Old Azazel flew in to the cage, having been unleashed by The Crowned One. It struggled around the cage, which was no bigger than 15x15 feet, giving it no room to get comfortable. It circled the inner perimeter, showing impressive speed for such a large animal. It squealed and squealed. The sound stung Smallmouths ears, and he covered them with his hands. He was still out of sight in the tall grass. The Red People around the cage laughed at the hogs entrapment. The Crowned One raised a hand to signal silence. The Red People were still and quiet again.
“Now, my brothers, the sacrificial gift is in our possession. Tonight…is a HOLY NIGHT.” The Crowned One raised his voice as if getting to the climax of a fire and brimstone sermon.
“TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY WHAT WAS ONCE CAST OUT BUT NEVER VANQUISHED!! WE WILL RID THE EARTH OF A GREAT ARMY!! AN ARMY OF HELL THAT HAS FAR TOO LONG ROAMED AND SICKENED OUR LANDS AND KILLED OUR LOVES!! TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY THE DESTROYERS…THE LEGION OF SATANS SOLDIERS BORN JUST AFTER THE GARDEN OF EDEN FELL…”
The Crowned One fell to his knees, his arms up and stretched toward the frozen sky. A mighty wind began blowing at Smallmouths back. He had to lower his head as it roared over him. After a moment it calmed and he was able to lift up again to see. Winds from all corners of the field met at the cage, swirling over it in a great snowy funnel that led up to the clouds. Old Azazel screamed and screamed from the cage.
“I SEE YOU VILLIANS!! I HEAR YOU HOSTS OF HELL!! I KNOW YOU LIVE IN THESE TREES!! I KNOW YOU COWER WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!! SHOW YOURSELF!! TAKE THE BODY OF THIS ANIMAL THAT I HAVE SET BEFORE YOU!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW AND FACE ME!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE I-“
The Crowned One’s vocal cord shredding performance was cut short by a single burst of black lightning that shot down from the middle of the snowy funnel cloud that surrounded the cage. The Crowned One and all the Red People were thrown several feet back from the blast. Thunder immediately exploded across the field. Smallmouth buried his face as the force and sound raced over him. Ears ringing, he kept his face down for a few seconds. He squinted back up to the strike zone.
The strange black lightning had blown the cage completely apart. Two of The Red People had been hit with the metal fencing. One laid motionless. The other gargled in pain as he put a hand to the pole that was sticking out of his sternum, having penetrated all the way through. His legs buckled and he fell forward, the end of the pole hitting the ground first and propping him up for a moment, before his body slowly slid down to the ground around the metal. He went silent. The other four Red People, yelling in surprise, gathered themselves, looking to the charred hole in the ground where Old Azazel should be, right in the center where the cage used to stand. The Crowned One got to his feet and picked up his spear.
“My brothers, gather your arms…” the Crowned One whispered, breathing heavily under his red cloak.
“The work is not over…”
The four remaining Red People grabbed their spears and slowly walked over to the burnt, smoking hole, holding an attack pose over it until further instructions were given.
“Are you with us, you age old tormentors?” This was the first time Smallmouth could hear fear in the tired voice of the Crowned One.
“Are you with us now? Are you ready to die, you infernal bastards? Are you ready to-“
The Crowned One was interrupted by a booming noise from the hole that tore Smallmouths wits to shreds. It was similar to the cry of Old Azazel, but much deeper and ten times louder and angrier. It was as if a freight train was blaring its horn and slamming its brakes at the same time.
“NOW MY BROTHERS!! STRIKE THE BEAST OF HELL WITH YOUR SPEARS! NOW!!!”
The Red People all threw their weapons down into the smoking hole. The hellish noise from within stopped in an instant. The Red People crowded closer to the edge of the hole, waiting for the smoke to clear. The Crowned One walked over to them, putting his black gloved hand on the shoulder of the nearest man.
“Oh, Brothers. Oh my dear, dear Brothers. Your acts tonight have rid the earth of a Great and Powerful Evil…”
Before he could continue, a fully enraged and re-inspired bellow thrust itself up and out of the hole like a serrated blade. Much, much louder and angrier than before. The Red People were taken aback in terror. Suddenly, from within the hole, a large head emerged and gaped a huge, disgusting maw up at the crowd. The head was burned black and its eyes were half boiled white and without pupils. It shrieked out that most terrible noise as if it didn’t need oxygen.
“There’s no way” Smallmouth heard himself say under his breath.
All in one motion, the beast leaped out of the hole, and turned to face its attackers. It was Old Azazel, except swollen with burnt mass. It appeared to have grown a half a size at least. Three spears stuck out of its sizzling, charcoal colored back. It snapped its gigantic jaws at the Red People, who shuddered in horror. The Crowned One spoke:
“DO NOT RELENT BROTHERS!! ATTACK!! ATTACK THE BRUTE!!”
He pulled his pistol back out of his cloak and fired the remaining three rounds on the new and horrible black burnt Old Azazel. The beast’s cloudy boiled egg eyes shot open along with its unnaturally stretched jaws. It took the three bullets as if they were tennis balls. At the speed of a charging grizzly and with multiple times the power Old Azazel raged over to The Crowned One and dove onto him mouth first, putting both front hooves on his chest as he was knocked down. The Crowned One cried out in a shockingly high pitched wail, like a man being electrocuted. The Beast bit right into the soft of his belly, and began to shake him around like an Orca trying to separate a seal from its pelt.
“OH GOD!!!! AHHHHHH GOD OHHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!! NOOOO!!!! OH GOD HELP ME!!!! MAMA!!!! OHHHH!!! MAMA!!!!!”
The beast ate and ate and shook and shook and tore and broke and destroyed while the Crowned One lost more and more of his body, all while crying out to the sky at the top of his punctured lungs. The other Red People sprinted to the black Dodge Ram, opened its doors and piled inside. Smallmouth heard it crank up and it began to speedily turn around and race away from the fire and back toward the road. The beast unhooked from the Crowned One and let out another ghastly roar of victory before biting into his neck, ending his screaming forever. The beast then left his half devoured body and began a tremendous and terrible charge after the truck, which was greatly slowed down by the trailer. Smallmouth put his face down as the beast passed him by only about 10 feet on its way to the truck, which had just made it back to the road and was using every RPM possible to get away from the demon charged killing machine on its heels. Smallmouth turned around to watch both parties disappear down the road, the echoes of that great and evil blasting noise stabbing his ears again. He remained on his stomach in the tall, snowy grass for another two minutes as he normalized his breath and tried to make any sense of what he just witnessed.
Eventually he slowly rose up and looked to make sure that terrible thing was indeed out of the area. No signs of life or death from up at the road. The danger was at least a couple miles away by now. Smallmouth then turned back toward the fire and to the dominated body of the Crowned One. He carefully walked up closer and closer. To his amazement he heard wheezy noises coming from the emptied out torso of the man, a scattering of insides and flesh and blood strewn all around him. Troubled, rattling breaths escaped from under the red clothed head, whose crown of thorns had flown off in the attack. Most of the red cloak had been ripped to shreds, and all that remained covered were his shoulders and above. The cloth slowly ebbed and flowed with breath. Smallmouth could not believe this man was still alive. His entire digestive system was eviscerated and his ribs were exposed. Smallmouth knelt down beside him and lifted his cloak over his head to let him at least breathe his last in the open air.
Smallmouth let out a gasp. This man had a face that Smallmouth knew very well. He recognized him immediately from the old church he worked at. The clean shaven face. The short, silver hair. The sharp nose. This was a man that had joined his church two weeks before the schism. He never spoke in church but it was rumored he would meet at the homes of different members and try to sway them to his strange ideas. He was the one rumored to have led the radical faction somewhere in the middle of the woods. To Smallmouth, it was all starting to make more sense.
“I know you,” Smallmouth said softly, “I know who you are. You tore a church in half didn’t you? You’re the crazy guy that split up my ole church! What the hell have you done?”
The man struggled to breathe and tried his best to spit up a couple of words. His neck had deep lacerations that flowed with escaping life.
“I…I…I…uhh…I only…I only…I only did what I believed…” he whispered before a wet, stifled breath.
“What did you do?!!!” Smallmouth grew angry, and his voice followed suit. This man had ruined his job and now he had unleashed something horrifying on his neighborhood. He had tampered with things that man has no business tampering with.
“I…I…I have…have…I have failed, Smallmouth Bassett” the man croaked. Smallmouth couldn’t believe he had bothered to remember his name.
“I have failed. I have failed. God help you all…” with that the man’s face fell and he let out one last slow exhale before all was still.
Smallmouth got back on his feet and looked away from the dead man and toward the fire, which towered and raged in the reflection of his eyes.
“Oh no…oh no…oh no” he said in between terrified breaths.
Then another though hit him like a wrecking ball.
“Uncle Chuck…”
2024.05.18 01:32 SamMorrisHorror Them Devils Pt. 1
On the night when it all happened a young man called Smallmouth found himself in quite a pickle. He shivered and paced clumsily all over the second story porch of a cabin that used to be very nice, which overlooked a snowy down-sloping field that used to be kept up properly and carefully. He was already six packs deep into a carton of cigarettes he had bought only two days ago from a Casey’s General Store on his way up. He could recall the look on the young woman’s face at the register when he asked for a carton of Parliament Menthols, her eyes showing one blink of humorous surprise and another couple blinks of obvious concern, which faded to professional indifference as she rang in the sweet, icy killers. Smallmouth stopped his nervous dallying when he caught himself in the kitchen window; a large, shadowy figure sulking between the inside lights and the cold, almost glowing world downhill. His eyes still on his murky reflection, he patted his coat pockets for his seventh pack, pulling it out and smacking it against his left palm before cracking open and lighting it at his mouth. In a slow, warm flash, he could briefly see his own face in the window.
“Oh man, it’s bad” , he thought to himself.
He hadn’t shaved in weeks and his beard grew coarse and thick. A face that his mother had once called handsome had become a clean plate covered in steel wool. Well, maybe not so clean. Under and around his eyes were the obvious bruising of sleeplessness and his skin had lost its lively color and clarity of yesteryear.
“Ughhh” he groaned, turning away from the window to look over the porch and into the freezing, beckoning night.
The pickle that Jeremy “Smallmouth” Bassett found himself in involved his uncle, and his uncle’s evening logistics, to be precise. Smallmouth had been kicked out of his parents home on December 27th due to a slight misunderstanding at 2am when he believed the living room Christmas tree to be the downstairs bathroom. He had passed out on the couch after drinking a fire pit full of crushed Hamm’s cans and his brain tried desperately to get him up and to the nearby toilet. His little sister Stacy was tucked in fast asleep on a loveseat by the tree when she was brutally torn from her sugarplum dreams to hear the terrible hiss of Smallmouth’s folly. She screamed, the parents woke up, and, well, there you go. After well over three strikes, Smallmouth’s temporary residence had come to an end, and he was thrown to his mother’s brother’s cabin to dry up and straighten out before he could ever even be considered to return.
“You two deserve to live together. He can’t say no either because he owes me a lot more than this!” Smallmouth’s mother had screeched over him as he sat at the kitchen table the following morning with a cold bag of peas against his throbbing right temple. “You go there and you GET RIGHT!! I don’t care how long it takes just clean up your act and MAKE something of yourself! And for goodness sake tell Chuck to do the same, while he still has time!”
Yes, Uncle Chuck had his own shelf full of good time problems, and that’s what put Smallmouth in a bind tonight as he pondered over the white yonder that led to a black nothing, a black nothing that in the daylight pretended to be a forest. At night, it showed its true nature, an endless world of dark secrets and aching regret. At least that’s how Smallmouth saw it in this moment.
Chuck had gone down to the ranch he worked on for a New Years party with his work buddies. They liked to gather at the big barn where all of the vehicles and equipment were kept, sitting around a card table passing out stories about women and other trophy game that were either outright lied about or illegally poached. Oh, and they also liked to pass the bottle around. Therein lied the conundrum for Smallmouth.
Uncle Chuck was many things, but one thing he wasn’t was a drunk driver. Chuck’s wife Rebecca had been struck and killed by a drunk driver almost ten years ago when she was out jogging the back roads early one morning. Everyone assumed that’s what led him to his openly hard drinking and sneakily pill popping ways in the first place. For Chuck, most nights were kept at home, parked in front of a TV watching old westerns and cleaning out a full bottle of Wild Turkey 101 before snoring in his recliner. On the few nights he would go out, he would always call a ride if things got out of hand. As you can imagine, he tends to need a ride home.
“I should be home bout 11:30. Service ain’t so good up there near the barn so if it gets bout 11:15-11:20 and I ain’t home, go head and do me a favor and come grab me son.” Chuck had told Smallmouth before he left, closing the warped screen door behind him.
Smallmouth had spent the evening trying his best to stay entertained without the help of any chemical enhancement. His family’s anger and resentment really struck him and this time he was determined to truly get right and get his life back on the rails. He was 29 years old. He had gone through college clean as a whistle, bright and driven, receiving his MBA with plans to work his way up in a promising career in business. That worked for a couple years. Then he found a calling in ministry, deciding to quit the corporate world to fill an opening of a tiny country church in the area. They needed a deacon who could take care of things around the building and assist in the worship service. He wasn’t much for public speaking, haven been given the nickname Smallmouth at a young age due to his soft spoken nature, but he could pass plates and give a hushed prayer every now and then. He liked to mow and paint and help old ladies up the stairs. The quiet country life was really nice for him, for a while. Strange, radical ideas eventually spread through the church though, and half of its members left overnight to form their own congregation. Its funding cut in half, the church had to close its doors and the other members absorbed into other churches. Smallmouth rarely ever saw the people that had departed from the church, but rumors creeped that they met at an old abandoned building deep in the woods, performing all sorts of different acts and rituals that would purify themselves and destroy all evils. Nevertheless, Smallmouth was out of work and picked up shifts bartending at a small town dive. His soft fortitude was no match for the booze and drugs and women that would pass through there and soon he was out the door. That landed him mooching off of his parents, draining their sanity and eventually draining himself on their Christmas tree. The last strike.
So there he was all night, waiting up for uncle Chuck. He was two days clean of everything except caffeine and nicotine, a major improvement. He felt a boost of hope and confidence the first morning after a sober nights sleep. He found the mornings to be the best parts of the day. At least he had coffee and cigarettes to get him out of bed. That would wear off quickly and the rest of the day was filled with trying to find distractions until the sun set about 5pm. Then he would watch a movie or two with Chuck. Last night he had been able to call it early and go to sleep at 7pm shortly after Chuck started sawing logs in front of True Grit (the original John Wayne version of course). Tonight he saw 7pm struggle and churn into 8…….8:13……..8:48……9:05……9:29………..9:31………9:52……..9:58……….10:11…….10:12 (oh cmon)……10:27…….10:56…….and finally 11:08. It was like the clock was a 35 year old four cylinder engine oiled with crunchy peanut butter. Now, crunch time sat in the cold air as Smallmouth finished his cigarette and stewed over his decision. He really didn’t feel like going down to the barn and getting Chuck, even though it was only a couple miles. In the infancy of his sobriety he found the smallest of choices and activities to seem dire and at the very least upsettingly out of his way. Surely Chuck can get himself home on his own, right?
“No. Who knows if someone’s Aunt Rebecca or grandmother or son is out there on the road tonight” he thought.
As much as he had tried to screw up his life, Smallmouth usually knew what the right decision would be, even if he so often refused to listen. It was there ever so clearly on this New Year’s Eve, wailing in the back row of his mind like a misbehaved child during a church sermon. Smallmouth left the porch and went inside to grab his keys.
He walked out to his truck, got in, cranked it, let it sit down to one rpm, and started down the gravel driveway, which led to the gravel county road that Chuck and his few and far between neighbors lived on. He got to the mailbox and suddenly shot his attention up the road, where headlights revealed themselves out of the deep dark. It was rare to see any cars this far down Chuck’s road. In fact, there were no other houses to the right of Chuck’s cabin, spare for a couple of empty ones that were condemned but were attached to a lot of forest property.
Smallmouth squinted his eyes as a large black Dodge Ram 3500 came barreling by with a livestock trailer. Even inside his own truck he could hear a terrible noise coming from that trailer. He recognized it instantly as a pig squeal.
“The hell?” He whispered as the truck and trailer tore down the road, going around a nearby corner and out of sight. He couldn’t guess what on earth that could be about at this hour, and especially since nobody lived down there anyway. He shrugged it off though, and turned left out of the driveway, headed for drunk Uncle Chuck down at the ranch.
Ten minutes and a couple of snowy country miles later Smallmouth found himself through the metal gate of the ranch and up to the main barn, where a couple of smiling ranch hands had Chuck held up between them just outside one of two closed garage doors. A lamppost nearby cast a glow of debauchery on all of their faces, especially Chuck’s. Smallmouth got out and walked up to them smiling and shaking his head.
“Well well well…” he said with a slight laugh.
“Your Uncle put on one hell of a clinic tonight ‘Mouth” one of the hands said.
“I…..I….I don’t know what they’re tawlkin bout son” Chuck slang out before a high pitched giggle.
“I got another couple rounds in me I thinks!”
Smallmouth laughed.
“Yeah I ain’t so sure about that uncle! Let’s get on home now and let these fellas get on too.”
“Y’alright alright” Chuck said as Smallmouth took him from his buddies arms into one of his own and led him to the passenger seat of his truck.
“Happy New Years boys!!! Let’s do it all again okay?” He hollered to his waving buddies as they drove back away from the barn and through the metal gate toward home.
“You have a good time Uncle?”
“Oh…ohhh…I reckon I showed those boys how to do it” Another childish giggle.
A light snow shower seasoned the cold air as the truck rolled down the gravel country road. In the yellow headlights it made a pleasant white noise for the eyes. Chuck put his hands up staggered and vertically, fingers together and outstretched, pointing out in front of the truck down the road like he was aiming up for a rifle shot. He closed one eye.
“Straight as an arrow ole son. You’re good at this.”
“I ain’t drunk pops” Smallmouth chuckled.
“Sure ya are. Everybody’s drunk son. Even people that ain’t drink. Ticket is to get drunk on good stuff” Chuck’s face calmed from a goofy grin as he kept his eyes out front into the slow swirling tube of visible night.
“You sound like you’re drunk on some pretty damn good stuff” Smallmouth retorted as they shared a look and a good laugh.
“Suppose’n you ain’t wrong. Gotta work on that just like you are. Proud o’ you for a couple days clean man. We’ll get right. We’ll get right. All I meant was that man is born to get drunk on somethin’ or other. What I mean is God. Man is born to get drunk on his God.” Chuck said as Smallmouth shot him a raised eyebrow look of confusion.
“Once God gets ya drunk then you’re home free ol’ son. That distillery is never ending eternal forever. That land flows with whiskey and honey.” They both shared another laugh.
“Okay okay I think I somewhat understand now Uncle.”
They rode in a few seconds of comfortable silence before Chuck put his hands up in an aim position down the road again.
“You know…man….man….man has a GOVERNOR…..you know that right?”
“A what? A governor?”
“That’s right a GOVERNOR…that’s right…a little bitty device in his brain that keeps him on the road…keeps him from turning right off into the dark. You ever hear that little voice that tells you you can turn off into the ditch…into oncomin’ traffic? Tells you you can shoot your buddy instead of the deer? That you can jump off the top of the building and onto the pavement when you’re up there enjoying the view?”
“I…uh…I don’t know…I mean maybe? Pretty sure those are intrusive thoughts and they’re normal.”
“Well whatever they are that’s what the governor is for. Keeps ya straight. Keeps ya from harmin nothin.”
“Alright man, alright.”
They pulled back into Chuck’s driveway and parked. Smallmouth helped his uncle out of the truck and up into the cabin, snow starting to color the roof and pile against the side of the house near the door. Arms locked Smallmouth propped open the screen door, opened the inner door, and led Chuck through the kitchen and to his bedroom. Chuck layed down on his camo comforter with a deep, long exhale.
“Ahhhh yes……yes” he whispered with a smile.
“I love ya son…I’m glad you’re heeeeere. Let’s get better….your mom needs it…..stay in the Lord’s light son…don’t let them devils get ya….let’s get better….lets….” He was off into the distant deep ether almost immediately, and his mouth hung open.
“Goodnight uncle…love ya too.” Smallmouth patted the bed twice before walking over and closing the bedroom door behind him.
He went and sat at the kitchen table. He regretted his behavior earlier in the night. How it pained him to have to stay up a little later to go help out his uncle.
“Cmon…” he whispered.
He agreed with Chuck. He was here to get better. To do better. Maybe Chuck was right. If he couldn’t get drunk off booze, it was time to pick something else to drink. Better things. Maybe even God? Smallmouth hadn’t paid much mind to God since his church job fell through. God surely hadn’t been there for him these last few years when he was at his lowest. Or was He there the whole time? Had Smallmouth just ignored Him? These things floated heavily in his mind and soon he realized he had been staring at the front door for several minutes. Had he even blinked? Then something else came to mind.
“Wait hold up”
That truck and trailer from earlier. What WAS that? He meant to bring it up to the ranch hands. They would’ve seen it come barreling down the road right by their front gate. Oh he wished he had brought that up to them. Oh well. It’s probably nothing. Smallmouth looked at the clock. 12:12.
“Happy New Year old boy.” He said to himself.
He sat for a moment in the warm kitchen light, his eyes not leaving the front door. Well, he’s up this late already, why not go run down and check on the abandoned properties?
No…no…it can wait. It’s probably nothing. Right?
Wrong. There’s that wailing kid in the back pew of his mind again. Come on kid can’t you just be quiet and listen to the sermon? No, no it can’t. It must be heard. Always. He knew he had to go check it out.
“Ughhhh FINE!” Smallmouth got up and grabbed his truck keys, patted to make sure his cigarettes were still there, and was out the door again.
The snow shower had ended. As he pulled up to the edge of the drive, he stalled for a moment and peaked out as far to the right as he could down the dark road. Nothing. It wasn’t very far to the end of that road, where two out of service mailboxes should’ve stood in a small cul-de-sac if it weren’t for teenagers beating them to splinters. Can’t really blame them either. Smallmouth considered his plan. Whether or not that truck belonged to the landowner down there, he shouldn’t feel like he needs to sneak around. He is merely a concerned neighbor after all. He began down the road and around that same corner the stranger disappeared earlier.
After a couple of slow, curious minutes Smallmouth could see the evidence of a great big fire in the near distance, beyond where the road ended. Through the bare trees and against the snow it cast orange and red that could surely be seen a mile in every direction, that is, if there were anyone there to see it.
Slightly intimidated, Smallmouth decided to turn off his headlights and let the fire guide him as he slowed up to 5mph and gently crackled his last few yards of gravel up to the remnants of the nearest mailbox post. It seemed the fire was on the land of the farther property, whose mailbox posthole was about 30 feet from where he came to a stop and parked his truck. Smallmouth turned it off and quietly got out into the cold. He crouched down as he walked over to the farther driveway, getting down on one knee to give it a stealthy closer look.
The abandoned property boasted a busted up trailer that sat pitifully about 500 feet from the mailbox memorial. Beyond that was a good ten acres of field that ended at the forest edge, which marked the beginning of thousands of acres of wildlife refuge. As Smallmouth peered on, it was obvious that the fire was way out in that field, blocked by the old trailer, which wore the hot light and columns of smoke on it like a devilish crown. Given the cover, Smallmouth crept over to the trailer and started easing around the right side.
Rounding the corner he noticed a propane tank that would be perfect for hiding behind and getting the best look he could at the mysterious activity. He got down on his belly and crawled his way over to the tank, before sitting up and peeking slowly over the top and out into the field.
Way down there, a couple acres away from the tree line, was a huge fire, made up of about fifty wooden pallets. It raged and lit up the whole field like it was just the beginning of sunset. Somewhat near the fire was the black Dodge Ram 3500 and trailer. Smallmouth could see a group of people dressed in all red, as if covered in bloody bedsheets from head to toe, circled around a crude cage, seemingly fastened together by pieces of metal fencing. They stood still as the pines, and twice as silent. Smallmouth, in a rare moment of curious courage, decided he had to get closer. He got back on his stomach and began to crawl through the cold, knee high grass.
Using the fire light as his North Star he crawled and crawled, feeling his hands, clothes, and beard get wet with snow. He didn’t care. Something was up that wasn’t normal, wasn’t right. He could feel it in his cold gut. When he thought he was close enough without giving himself away he planted his palms and ever so slowly raised his torso up into a weak push up to try and see out. He was glad he didn’t go any further. He may have been too close already.
He was close enough to read the name of the truck and count the holes in the livestock trailer. There were seven strangers in red sheets all around the makeshift cage, all holding long spears. One of the figures had a crown of black thorns on his head. They all had two eyeholes and one hole for the mouth. They didn’t move a muscle for the longest time, before the Crowned One forcibly touched the end of his spear to the ground.
“Now is the time, Brother and Farmer Abraham…there is no more for us in waiting.”
Smallmouth had just noticed the passenger window to the black Dodge was down, and he could hear the driver door open and soon saw a normal looking older man in a ball cap at the back of the trailer. He was holding a leash of some sort. He opened up the trailer and whistled into the dark of it. After a couple of loud, heavy thuds a gigantic, and I mean GIGANTIC Yorkshire pig came slowly shrugging out of the trailer. It was light pink in color but filthy, and gave wet sounding oinks as it came to the man’s hands expecting food. The thing must’ve weighed 1500 pounds, and at least ten feet long. It actually had to lower its head to reach the man’s hands, its ears coming up to the man’s chest. Smallmouth couldn’t believe his eyes. The man reached in his pocket and revealed a handful of some type of feed, which he tossed on the ground at the pig. It started right in as the man fixed a collar on the pigs girthy neck, then attaching a leash. The pig gave a slight squeal.
“Good girl, good girl…cmon now” the man called Farmer Abraham sweetly coaxed the animal. He gave his end of the leash a tug and the monstrous swine reluctantly left its food and followed the man over close to the Crowned One. The fire raged and raged nearby, throwing crazy shadows all over the place.
“What have you brought us, Brother and Farmer Abraham?”
“Yeah, uh, this is Old Azazel, she’s been in my family for years, man.”
The Crowned One dropped his spear and knelt down to the jowls of the hog, the dark holes of his eyes meeting those of the animal. The other red cloaked figures remained statuesque around the cage.
“Ah, yes, Old Azazel, hello. You are to be of great importance in the history of the Earth tonight, old friend.”
The Crowned One got back up to address Brother and Father Abraham, who seemed obviously put off, yet submissive.
“And is this Old Azazel a natural specimen? Is it fed only of the earth and the filths therein?”
“Yessir, I’d reckon so.”
“This is necessary for a proper sacrifice, Brother and Farmer Abraham. You may only bring your best, your cleanest, your most dear to the alter of the Almighty.”
“I understand.”
“May I take her now?”
The farmer gave his end of the leash to the black gloved left hand of the Crowned One. The Crowned one stood with it for almost a full minute in total stillness and silence. The only noise Smallmouth could hear was the sloppy smacks and oinks from Old Azazel. The farmer anxiously waited, wringing his hands expecting the next move from the Crowned One.
“Turn away, Brother and Farmer Abraham. Turn away from us and toward the fire now.” The Crowned One finally spoke.
“Phew, alright. We’re still good on our deal? Do you still promise to make my little girl better? Like you said?” The farmer asked, with some hopeful desperation.
“Turn now.”
“Well okay” the farmer turned his back to the Crowned One and toward the fire.
“I can assure you with all of the knowledge in my mind and in my heart, you will never see your daughter sick again in this lifetime, Brother and Father Abraham. You may find peace and solace in this truth.”
The farmer nodded in relief as he looked upon the fire. Smallmouth, taking it all in with great confusion, could see a smile on the farmers fire lit face, and turned back to the Crowned One just in time to see him reach under his red garment and pull out a pistol and shoot a round into the back of the farmers head, blowing his cap off, which frisbeed down near his shaking, crumpled body. Old Azazel threw a fit immediately, screaming and trying her best to flee. The Crowned One held the immense beast with one hand, and with seemingly little effort. The other red clothed figures finally made noise, laughing deep and heartily around the cage. The Crowned One, keeping Old Azazel close, walked over to the doubled over farmer, putting two more bullets into his head, essentially hollowing it out into a carnal mess. The farmers shaking mercifully stopped.
Smallmouth had to slam his forearm up to his mouth to muffle the scream that would’ve come out and blown his cover. His eyes were flown wide open and his arms were shivering.
The Crowned One put the pistol back under his red cloak and led the great pig, still squealing as high pitched and piercing as the human ear can withstand, over to the mouth of the cage, which was opened by the nearest red clothed stranger. Old Azazel flew in to the cage, having been unleashed by The Crowned One. It struggled around the cage, which was no bigger than 15x15 feet, giving it no room to get comfortable. It circled the inner perimeter, showing impressive speed for such a large animal. It squealed and squealed. The sound stung Smallmouths ears, and he covered them with his hands. He was still out of sight in the tall grass. The Red People around the cage laughed at the hogs entrapment. The Crowned One raised a hand to signal silence. The Red People were still and quiet again.
“Now, my brothers, the sacrificial gift is in our possession. Tonight…is a HOLY NIGHT.” The Crowned One raised his voice as if getting to the climax of a fire and brimstone sermon.
“TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY WHAT WAS ONCE CAST OUT BUT NEVER VANQUISHED!! WE WILL RID THE EARTH OF A GREAT ARMY!! AN ARMY OF HELL THAT HAS FAR TOO LONG ROAMED AND SICKENED OUR LANDS AND KILLED OUR LOVES!! TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY THE DESTROYERS…THE LEGION OF SATANS SOLDIERS BORN JUST AFTER THE GARDEN OF EDEN FELL…”
The Crowned One fell to his knees, his arms up and stretched toward the frozen sky. A mighty wind began blowing at Smallmouths back. He had to lower his head as it roared over him. After a moment it calmed and he was able to lift up again to see. Winds from all corners of the field met at the cage, swirling over it in a great snowy funnel that led up to the clouds. Old Azazel screamed and screamed from the cage.
“I SEE YOU VILLIANS!! I HEAR YOU HOSTS OF HELL!! I KNOW YOU LIVE IN THESE TREES!! I KNOW YOU COWER WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!! SHOW YOURSELF!! TAKE THE BODY OF THIS ANIMAL THAT I HAVE SET BEFORE YOU!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW AND FACE ME!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE I-“
The Crowned One’s vocal cord shredding performance was cut short by a single burst of black lightning that shot down from the middle of the snowy funnel cloud that surrounded the cage. The Crowned One and all the Red People were thrown several feet back from the blast. Thunder immediately exploded across the field. Smallmouth buried his face as the force and sound raced over him. Ears ringing, he kept his face down for a few seconds. He squinted back up to the strike zone.
The strange black lightning had blown the cage completely apart. Two of The Red People had been hit with the metal fencing. One laid motionless. The other gargled in pain as he put a hand to the pole that was sticking out of his sternum, having penetrated all the way through. His legs buckled and he fell forward, the end of the pole hitting the ground first and propping him up for a moment, before his body slowly slid down to the ground around the metal. He went silent. The other four Red People, yelling in surprise, gathered themselves, looking to the charred hole in the ground where Old Azazel should be, right in the center where the cage used to stand. The Crowned One got to his feet and picked up his spear.
“My brothers, gather your arms…” the Crowned One whispered, breathing heavily under his red cloak.
“The work is not over…”
The four remaining Red People grabbed their spears and slowly walked over to the burnt, smoking hole, holding an attack pose over it until further instructions were given.
“Are you with us, you age old tormentors?” This was the first time Smallmouth could hear fear in the tired voice of the Crowned One.
“Are you with us now? Are you ready to die, you infernal bastards? Are you ready to-“
The Crowned One was interrupted by a booming noise from the hole that tore Smallmouths wits to shreds. It was similar to the cry of Old Azazel, but much deeper and ten times louder and angrier. It was as if a freight train was blaring its horn and slamming its brakes at the same time.
“NOW MY BROTHERS!! STRIKE THE BEAST OF HELL WITH YOUR SPEARS! NOW!!!”
The Red People all threw their weapons down into the smoking hole. The hellish noise from within stopped in an instant. The Red People crowded closer to the edge of the hole, waiting for the smoke to clear. The Crowned One walked over to them, putting his black gloved hand on the shoulder of the nearest man.
“Oh, Brothers. Oh my dear, dear Brothers. Your acts tonight have rid the earth of a Great and Powerful Evil…”
Before he could continue, a fully enraged and re-inspired bellow thrust itself up and out of the hole like a serrated blade. Much, much louder and angrier than before. The Red People were taken aback in terror. Suddenly, from within the hole, a large head emerged and gaped a huge, disgusting maw up at the crowd. The head was burned black and its eyes were half boiled white and without pupils. It shrieked out that most terrible noise as if it didn’t need oxygen.
“There’s no way” Smallmouth heard himself say under his breath.
All in one motion, the beast leaped out of the hole, and turned to face its attackers. It was Old Azazel, except swollen with burnt mass. It appeared to have grown a half a size at least. Three spears stuck out of its sizzling, charcoal colored back. It snapped its gigantic jaws at the Red People, who shuddered in horror. The Crowned One spoke:
“DO NOT RELENT BROTHERS!! ATTACK!! ATTACK THE BRUTE!!”
He pulled his pistol back out of his cloak and fired the remaining three rounds on the new and horrible black burnt Old Azazel. The beast’s cloudy boiled egg eyes shot open along with its unnaturally stretched jaws. It took the three bullets as if they were tennis balls. At the speed of a charging grizzly and with multiple times the power Old Azazel raged over to The Crowned One and dove onto him mouth first, putting both front hooves on his chest as he was knocked down. The Crowned One cried out in a shockingly high pitched wail, like a man being electrocuted. The Beast bit right into the soft of his belly, and began to shake him around like an Orca trying to separate a seal from its pelt.
“OH GOD!!!! AHHHHHH GOD OHHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!! NOOOO!!!! OH GOD HELP ME!!!! MAMA!!!! OHHHH!!! MAMA!!!!!”
The beast ate and ate and shook and shook and tore and broke and destroyed while the Crowned One lost more and more of his body, all while crying out to the sky at the top of his punctured lungs. The other Red People sprinted to the black Dodge Ram, opened its doors and piled inside. Smallmouth heard it crank up and it began to speedily turn around and race away from the fire and back toward the road. The beast unhooked from the Crowned One and let out another ghastly roar of victory before biting into his neck, ending his screaming forever. The beast then left his half devoured body and began a tremendous and terrible charge after the truck, which was greatly slowed down by the trailer. Smallmouth put his face down as the beast passed him by only about 10 feet on its way to the truck, which had just made it back to the road and was using every RPM possible to get away from the demon charged killing machine on its heels. Smallmouth turned around to watch both parties disappear down the road, the echoes of that great and evil blasting noise stabbing his ears again. He remained on his stomach in the tall, snowy grass for another two minutes as he normalized his breath and tried to make any sense of what he just witnessed.
Eventually he slowly rose up and looked to make sure that terrible thing was indeed out of the area. No signs of life or death from up at the road. The danger was at least a couple miles away by now. Smallmouth then turned back toward the fire and to the dominated body of the Crowned One. He carefully walked up closer and closer. To his amazement he heard wheezy noises coming from the emptied out torso of the man, a scattering of insides and flesh and blood strewn all around him. Troubled, rattling breaths escaped from under the red clothed head, whose crown of thorns had flown off in the attack. Most of the red cloak had been ripped to shreds, and all that remained covered were his shoulders and above. The cloth slowly ebbed and flowed with breath. Smallmouth could not believe this man was still alive. His entire digestive system was eviscerated and his ribs were exposed. Smallmouth knelt down beside him and lifted his cloak over his head to let him at least breathe his last in the open air.
Smallmouth let out a gasp. This man had a face that Smallmouth knew very well. He recognized him immediately from the old church he worked at. The clean shaven face. The short, silver hair. The sharp nose. This was a man that had joined his church two weeks before the schism. He never spoke in church but it was rumored he would meet at the homes of different members and try to sway them to his strange ideas. He was the one rumored to have led the radical faction somewhere in the middle of the woods. To Smallmouth, it was all starting to make more sense.
“I know you,” Smallmouth said softly, “I know who you are. You tore a church in half didn’t you? You’re the crazy guy that split up my ole church! What the hell have you done?”
The man struggled to breathe and tried his best to spit up a couple of words. His neck had deep lacerations that flowed with escaping life.
“I…I…I…uhh…I only…I only…I only did what I believed…” he whispered before a wet, stifled breath.
“What did you do?!!!” Smallmouth grew angry, and his voice followed suit. This man had ruined his job and now he had unleashed something horrifying on his neighborhood. He had tampered with things that man has no business tampering with.
“I…I…I have…have…I have failed, Smallmouth Bassett” the man croaked. Smallmouth couldn’t believe he had bothered to remember his name.
“I have failed. I have failed. God help you all…” with that the man’s face fell and he let out one last slow exhale before all was still.
Smallmouth got back on his feet and looked away from the dead man and toward the fire, which towered and raged in the reflection of his eyes.
“Oh no…oh no…oh no” he said in between terrified breaths.
Then another though hit him like a wrecking ball.
“Uncle Chuck…”
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“Oh man, it’s bad” , he thought to himself.
He hadn’t shaved in weeks and his beard grew coarse and thick. A face that his mother had once called handsome had become a clean plate covered in steel wool. Well, maybe not so clean. Under and around his eyes were the obvious bruising of sleeplessness and his skin had lost its lively color and clarity of yesteryear.
“Ughhh” he groaned, turning away from the window to look over the porch and into the freezing, beckoning night.
The pickle that Jeremy “Smallmouth” Bassett found himself in involved his uncle, and his uncle’s evening logistics, to be precise. Smallmouth had been kicked out of his parents home on December 27th due to a slight misunderstanding at 2am when he believed the living room Christmas tree to be the downstairs bathroom. He had passed out on the couch after drinking a fire pit full of crushed Hamm’s cans and his brain tried desperately to get him up and to the nearby toilet. His little sister Stacy was tucked in fast asleep on a loveseat by the tree when she was brutally torn from her sugarplum dreams to hear the terrible hiss of Smallmouth’s folly. She screamed, the parents woke up, and, well, there you go. After well over three strikes, Smallmouth’s temporary residence had come to an end, and he was thrown to his mother’s brother’s cabin to dry up and straighten out before he could ever even be considered to return.
“You two deserve to live together. He can’t say no either because he owes me a lot more than this!” Smallmouth’s mother had screeched over him as he sat at the kitchen table the following morning with a cold bag of peas against his throbbing right temple. “You go there and you GET RIGHT!! I don’t care how long it takes just clean up your act and MAKE something of yourself! And for goodness sake tell Chuck to do the same, while he still has time!”
Yes, Uncle Chuck had his own shelf full of good time problems, and that’s what put Smallmouth in a bind tonight as he pondered over the white yonder that led to a black nothing, a black nothing that in the daylight pretended to be a forest. At night, it showed its true nature, an endless world of dark secrets and aching regret. At least that’s how Smallmouth saw it in this moment.
Chuck had gone down to the ranch he worked on for a New Years party with his work buddies. They liked to gather at the big barn where all of the vehicles and equipment were kept, sitting around a card table passing out stories about women and other trophy game that were either outright lied about or illegally poached. Oh, and they also liked to pass the bottle around. Therein lied the conundrum for Smallmouth.
Uncle Chuck was many things, but one thing he wasn’t was a drunk driver. Chuck’s wife Rebecca had been struck and killed by a drunk driver almost ten years ago when she was out jogging the back roads early one morning. Everyone assumed that’s what led him to his openly hard drinking and sneakily pill popping ways in the first place. For Chuck, most nights were kept at home, parked in front of a TV watching old westerns and cleaning out a full bottle of Wild Turkey 101 before snoring in his recliner. On the few nights he would go out, he would always call a ride if things got out of hand. As you can imagine, he tends to need a ride home.
“I should be home bout 11:30. Service ain’t so good up there near the barn so if it gets bout 11:15-11:20 and I ain’t home, go head and do me a favor and come grab me son.” Chuck had told Smallmouth before he left, closing the warped screen door behind him.
Smallmouth had spent the evening trying his best to stay entertained without the help of any chemical enhancement. His family’s anger and resentment really struck him and this time he was determined to truly get right and get his life back on the rails. He was 29 years old. He had gone through college clean as a whistle, bright and driven, receiving his MBA with plans to work his way up in a promising career in business. That worked for a couple years. Then he found a calling in ministry, deciding to quit the corporate world to fill an opening of a tiny country church in the area. They needed a deacon who could take care of things around the building and assist in the worship service. He wasn’t much for public speaking, haven been given the nickname Smallmouth at a young age due to his soft spoken nature, but he could pass plates and give a hushed prayer every now and then. He liked to mow and paint and help old ladies up the stairs. The quiet country life was really nice for him, for a while. Strange, radical ideas eventually spread through the church though, and half of its members left overnight to form their own congregation. Its funding cut in half, the church had to close its doors and the other members absorbed into other churches. Smallmouth rarely ever saw the people that had departed from the church, but rumors creeped that they met at an old abandoned building deep in the woods, performing all sorts of different acts and rituals that would purify themselves and destroy all evils. Nevertheless, Smallmouth was out of work and picked up shifts bartending at a small town dive. His soft fortitude was no match for the booze and drugs and women that would pass through there and soon he was out the door. That landed him mooching off of his parents, draining their sanity and eventually draining himself on their Christmas tree. The last strike.
So there he was all night, waiting up for uncle Chuck. He was two days clean of everything except caffeine and nicotine, a major improvement. He felt a boost of hope and confidence the first morning after a sober nights sleep. He found the mornings to be the best parts of the day. At least he had coffee and cigarettes to get him out of bed. That would wear off quickly and the rest of the day was filled with trying to find distractions until the sun set about 5pm. Then he would watch a movie or two with Chuck. Last night he had been able to call it early and go to sleep at 7pm shortly after Chuck started sawing logs in front of True Grit (the original John Wayne version of course). Tonight he saw 7pm struggle and churn into 8…….8:13……..8:48……9:05……9:29………..9:31………9:52……..9:58……….10:11…….10:12 (oh cmon)……10:27…….10:56…….and finally 11:08. It was like the clock was a 35 year old four cylinder engine oiled with crunchy peanut butter. Now, crunch time sat in the cold air as Smallmouth finished his cigarette and stewed over his decision. He really didn’t feel like going down to the barn and getting Chuck, even though it was only a couple miles. In the infancy of his sobriety he found the smallest of choices and activities to seem dire and at the very least upsettingly out of his way. Surely Chuck can get himself home on his own, right?
“No. Who knows if someone’s Aunt Rebecca or grandmother or son is out there on the road tonight” he thought.
As much as he had tried to screw up his life, Smallmouth usually knew what the right decision would be, even if he so often refused to listen. It was there ever so clearly on this New Year’s Eve, wailing in the back row of his mind like a misbehaved child during a church sermon. Smallmouth left the porch and went inside to grab his keys.
He walked out to his truck, got in, cranked it, let it sit down to one rpm, and started down the gravel driveway, which led to the gravel county road that Chuck and his few and far between neighbors lived on. He got to the mailbox and suddenly shot his attention up the road, where headlights revealed themselves out of the deep dark. It was rare to see any cars this far down Chuck’s road. In fact, there were no other houses to the right of Chuck’s cabin, spare for a couple of empty ones that were condemned but were attached to a lot of forest property.
Smallmouth squinted his eyes as a large black Dodge Ram 3500 came barreling by with a livestock trailer. Even inside his own truck he could hear a terrible noise coming from that trailer. He recognized it instantly as a pig squeal.
“The hell?” He whispered as the truck and trailer tore down the road, going around a nearby corner and out of sight. He couldn’t guess what on earth that could be about at this hour, and especially since nobody lived down there anyway. He shrugged it off though, and turned left out of the driveway, headed for drunk Uncle Chuck down at the ranch.
Ten minutes and a couple of snowy country miles later Smallmouth found himself through the metal gate of the ranch and up to the main barn, where a couple of smiling ranch hands had Chuck held up between them just outside one of two closed garage doors. A lamppost nearby cast a glow of debauchery on all of their faces, especially Chuck’s. Smallmouth got out and walked up to them smiling and shaking his head.
“Well well well…” he said with a slight laugh.
“Your Uncle put on one hell of a clinic tonight ‘Mouth” one of the hands said.
“I…..I….I don’t know what they’re tawlkin bout son” Chuck slang out before a high pitched giggle.
“I got another couple rounds in me I thinks!”
Smallmouth laughed.
“Yeah I ain’t so sure about that uncle! Let’s get on home now and let these fellas get on too.”
“Y’alright alright” Chuck said as Smallmouth took him from his buddies arms into one of his own and led him to the passenger seat of his truck.
“Happy New Years boys!!! Let’s do it all again okay?” He hollered to his waving buddies as they drove back away from the barn and through the metal gate toward home.
“You have a good time Uncle?”
“Oh…ohhh…I reckon I showed those boys how to do it” Another childish giggle.
A light snow shower seasoned the cold air as the truck rolled down the gravel country road. In the yellow headlights it made a pleasant white noise for the eyes. Chuck put his hands up staggered and vertically, fingers together and outstretched, pointing out in front of the truck down the road like he was aiming up for a rifle shot. He closed one eye.
“Straight as an arrow ole son. You’re good at this.”
“I ain’t drunk pops” Smallmouth chuckled.
“Sure ya are. Everybody’s drunk son. Even people that ain’t drink. Ticket is to get drunk on good stuff” Chuck’s face calmed from a goofy grin as he kept his eyes out front into the slow swirling tube of visible night.
“You sound like you’re drunk on some pretty damn good stuff” Smallmouth retorted as they shared a look and a good laugh.
“Suppose’n you ain’t wrong. Gotta work on that just like you are. Proud o’ you for a couple days clean man. We’ll get right. We’ll get right. All I meant was that man is born to get drunk on somethin’ or other. What I mean is God. Man is born to get drunk on his God.” Chuck said as Smallmouth shot him a raised eyebrow look of confusion.
“Once God gets ya drunk then you’re home free ol’ son. That distillery is never ending eternal forever. That land flows with whiskey and honey.” They both shared another laugh.
“Okay okay I think I somewhat understand now Uncle.”
They rode in a few seconds of comfortable silence before Chuck put his hands up in an aim position down the road again.
“You know…man….man….man has a GOVERNOR…..you know that right?”
“A what? A governor?”
“That’s right a GOVERNOR…that’s right…a little bitty device in his brain that keeps him on the road…keeps him from turning right off into the dark. You ever hear that little voice that tells you you can turn off into the ditch…into oncomin’ traffic? Tells you you can shoot your buddy instead of the deer? That you can jump off the top of the building and onto the pavement when you’re up there enjoying the view?”
“I…uh…I don’t know…I mean maybe? Pretty sure those are intrusive thoughts and they’re normal.”
“Well whatever they are that’s what the governor is for. Keeps ya straight. Keeps ya from harmin nothin.”
“Alright man, alright.”
They pulled back into Chuck’s driveway and parked. Smallmouth helped his uncle out of the truck and up into the cabin, snow starting to color the roof and pile against the side of the house near the door. Arms locked Smallmouth propped open the screen door, opened the inner door, and led Chuck through the kitchen and to his bedroom. Chuck layed down on his camo comforter with a deep, long exhale.
“Ahhhh yes……yes” he whispered with a smile.
“I love ya son…I’m glad you’re heeeeere. Let’s get better….your mom needs it…..stay in the Lord’s light son…don’t let them devils get ya….let’s get better….lets….” He was off into the distant deep ether almost immediately, and his mouth hung open.
“Goodnight uncle…love ya too.” Smallmouth patted the bed twice before walking over and closing the bedroom door behind him.
He went and sat at the kitchen table. He regretted his behavior earlier in the night. How it pained him to have to stay up a little later to go help out his uncle.
“Cmon…” he whispered.
He agreed with Chuck. He was here to get better. To do better. Maybe Chuck was right. If he couldn’t get drunk off booze, it was time to pick something else to drink. Better things. Maybe even God? Smallmouth hadn’t paid much mind to God since his church job fell through. God surely hadn’t been there for him these last few years when he was at his lowest. Or was He there the whole time? Had Smallmouth just ignored Him? These things floated heavily in his mind and soon he realized he had been staring at the front door for several minutes. Had he even blinked? Then something else came to mind.
“Wait hold up”
That truck and trailer from earlier. What WAS that? He meant to bring it up to the ranch hands. They would’ve seen it come barreling down the road right by their front gate. Oh he wished he had brought that up to them. Oh well. It’s probably nothing. Smallmouth looked at the clock. 12:12.
“Happy New Year old boy.” He said to himself.
He sat for a moment in the warm kitchen light, his eyes not leaving the front door. Well, he’s up this late already, why not go run down and check on the abandoned properties?
No…no…it can wait. It’s probably nothing. Right?
Wrong. There’s that wailing kid in the back pew of his mind again. Come on kid can’t you just be quiet and listen to the sermon? No, no it can’t. It must be heard. Always. He knew he had to go check it out.
“Ughhhh FINE!” Smallmouth got up and grabbed his truck keys, patted to make sure his cigarettes were still there, and was out the door again.
The snow shower had ended. As he pulled up to the edge of the drive, he stalled for a moment and peaked out as far to the right as he could down the dark road. Nothing. It wasn’t very far to the end of that road, where two out of service mailboxes should’ve stood in a small cul-de-sac if it weren’t for teenagers beating them to splinters. Can’t really blame them either. Smallmouth considered his plan. Whether or not that truck belonged to the landowner down there, he shouldn’t feel like he needs to sneak around. He is merely a concerned neighbor after all. He began down the road and around that same corner the stranger disappeared earlier.
After a couple of slow, curious minutes Smallmouth could see the evidence of a great big fire in the near distance, beyond where the road ended. Through the bare trees and against the snow it cast orange and red that could surely be seen a mile in every direction, that is, if there were anyone there to see it.
Slightly intimidated, Smallmouth decided to turn off his headlights and let the fire guide him as he slowed up to 5mph and gently crackled his last few yards of gravel up to the remnants of the nearest mailbox post. It seemed the fire was on the land of the farther property, whose mailbox posthole was about 30 feet from where he came to a stop and parked his truck. Smallmouth turned it off and quietly got out into the cold. He crouched down as he walked over to the farther driveway, getting down on one knee to give it a stealthy closer look.
The abandoned property boasted a busted up trailer that sat pitifully about 500 feet from the mailbox memorial. Beyond that was a good ten acres of field that ended at the forest edge, which marked the beginning of thousands of acres of wildlife refuge. As Smallmouth peered on, it was obvious that the fire was way out in that field, blocked by the old trailer, which wore the hot light and columns of smoke on it like a devilish crown. Given the cover, Smallmouth crept over to the trailer and started easing around the right side.
Rounding the corner he noticed a propane tank that would be perfect for hiding behind and getting the best look he could at the mysterious activity. He got down on his belly and crawled his way over to the tank, before sitting up and peeking slowly over the top and out into the field.
Way down there, a couple acres away from the tree line, was a huge fire, made up of about fifty wooden pallets. It raged and lit up the whole field like it was just the beginning of sunset. Somewhat near the fire was the black Dodge Ram 3500 and trailer. Smallmouth could see a group of people dressed in all red, as if covered in bloody bedsheets from head to toe, circled around a crude cage, seemingly fastened together by pieces of metal fencing. They stood still as the pines, and twice as silent. Smallmouth, in a rare moment of curious courage, decided he had to get closer. He got back on his stomach and began to crawl through the cold, knee high grass.
Using the fire light as his North Star he crawled and crawled, feeling his hands, clothes, and beard get wet with snow. He didn’t care. Something was up that wasn’t normal, wasn’t right. He could feel it in his cold gut. When he thought he was close enough without giving himself away he planted his palms and ever so slowly raised his torso up into a weak push up to try and see out. He was glad he didn’t go any further. He may have been too close already.
He was close enough to read the name of the truck and count the holes in the livestock trailer. There were seven strangers in red sheets all around the makeshift cage, all holding long spears. One of the figures had a crown of black thorns on his head. They all had two eyeholes and one hole for the mouth. They didn’t move a muscle for the longest time, before the Crowned One forcibly touched the end of his spear to the ground.
“Now is the time, Brother and Farmer Abraham…there is no more for us in waiting.”
Smallmouth had just noticed the passenger window to the black Dodge was down, and he could hear the driver door open and soon saw a normal looking older man in a ball cap at the back of the trailer. He was holding a leash of some sort. He opened up the trailer and whistled into the dark of it. After a couple of loud, heavy thuds a gigantic, and I mean GIGANTIC Yorkshire pig came slowly shrugging out of the trailer. It was light pink in color but filthy, and gave wet sounding oinks as it came to the man’s hands expecting food. The thing must’ve weighed 1500 pounds, and at least ten feet long. It actually had to lower its head to reach the man’s hands, its ears coming up to the man’s chest. Smallmouth couldn’t believe his eyes. The man reached in his pocket and revealed a handful of some type of feed, which he tossed on the ground at the pig. It started right in as the man fixed a collar on the pigs girthy neck, then attaching a leash. The pig gave a slight squeal.
“Good girl, good girl…cmon now” the man called Farmer Abraham sweetly coaxed the animal. He gave his end of the leash a tug and the monstrous swine reluctantly left its food and followed the man over close to the Crowned One. The fire raged and raged nearby, throwing crazy shadows all over the place.
“What have you brought us, Brother and Farmer Abraham?”
“Yeah, uh, this is Old Azazel, she’s been in my family for years, man.”
The Crowned One dropped his spear and knelt down to the jowls of the hog, the dark holes of his eyes meeting those of the animal. The other red cloaked figures remained statuesque around the cage.
“Ah, yes, Old Azazel, hello. You are to be of great importance in the history of the Earth tonight, old friend.”
The Crowned One got back up to address Brother and Father Abraham, who seemed obviously put off, yet submissive.
“And is this Old Azazel a natural specimen? Is it fed only of the earth and the filths therein?”
“Yessir, I’d reckon so.”
“This is necessary for a proper sacrifice, Brother and Farmer Abraham. You may only bring your best, your cleanest, your most dear to the alter of the Almighty.”
“I understand.”
“May I take her now?”
The farmer gave his end of the leash to the black gloved left hand of the Crowned One. The Crowned one stood with it for almost a full minute in total stillness and silence. The only noise Smallmouth could hear was the sloppy smacks and oinks from Old Azazel. The farmer anxiously waited, wringing his hands expecting the next move from the Crowned One.
“Turn away, Brother and Farmer Abraham. Turn away from us and toward the fire now.” The Crowned One finally spoke.
“Phew, alright. We’re still good on our deal? Do you still promise to make my little girl better? Like you said?” The farmer asked, with some hopeful desperation.
“Turn now.”
“Well okay” the farmer turned his back to the Crowned One and toward the fire.
“I can assure you with all of the knowledge in my mind and in my heart, you will never see your daughter sick again in this lifetime, Brother and Father Abraham. You may find peace and solace in this truth.”
The farmer nodded in relief as he looked upon the fire. Smallmouth, taking it all in with great confusion, could see a smile on the farmers fire lit face, and turned back to the Crowned One just in time to see him reach under his red garment and pull out a pistol and shoot a round into the back of the farmers head, blowing his cap off, which frisbeed down near his shaking, crumpled body. Old Azazel threw a fit immediately, screaming and trying her best to flee. The Crowned One held the immense beast with one hand, and with seemingly little effort. The other red clothed figures finally made noise, laughing deep and heartily around the cage. The Crowned One, keeping Old Azazel close, walked over to the doubled over farmer, putting two more bullets into his head, essentially hollowing it out into a carnal mess. The farmers shaking mercifully stopped.
Smallmouth had to slam his forearm up to his mouth to muffle the scream that would’ve come out and blown his cover. His eyes were flown wide open and his arms were shivering.
The Crowned One put the pistol back under his red cloak and led the great pig, still squealing as high pitched and piercing as the human ear can withstand, over to the mouth of the cage, which was opened by the nearest red clothed stranger. Old Azazel flew in to the cage, having been unleashed by The Crowned One. It struggled around the cage, which was no bigger than 15x15 feet, giving it no room to get comfortable. It circled the inner perimeter, showing impressive speed for such a large animal. It squealed and squealed. The sound stung Smallmouths ears, and he covered them with his hands. He was still out of sight in the tall grass. The Red People around the cage laughed at the hogs entrapment. The Crowned One raised a hand to signal silence. The Red People were still and quiet again.
“Now, my brothers, the sacrificial gift is in our possession. Tonight…is a HOLY NIGHT.” The Crowned One raised his voice as if getting to the climax of a fire and brimstone sermon.
“TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY WHAT WAS ONCE CAST OUT BUT NEVER VANQUISHED!! WE WILL RID THE EARTH OF A GREAT ARMY!! AN ARMY OF HELL THAT HAS FAR TOO LONG ROAMED AND SICKENED OUR LANDS AND KILLED OUR LOVES!! TONIGHT…WE WILL DESTROY THE DESTROYERS…THE LEGION OF SATANS SOLDIERS BORN JUST AFTER THE GARDEN OF EDEN FELL…”
The Crowned One fell to his knees, his arms up and stretched toward the frozen sky. A mighty wind began blowing at Smallmouths back. He had to lower his head as it roared over him. After a moment it calmed and he was able to lift up again to see. Winds from all corners of the field met at the cage, swirling over it in a great snowy funnel that led up to the clouds. Old Azazel screamed and screamed from the cage.
“I SEE YOU VILLIANS!! I HEAR YOU HOSTS OF HELL!! I KNOW YOU LIVE IN THESE TREES!! I KNOW YOU COWER WITHIN THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!! SHOW YOURSELF!! TAKE THE BODY OF THIS ANIMAL THAT I HAVE SET BEFORE YOU!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW AND FACE ME!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE IT NOW!! TAKE I-“
The Crowned One’s vocal cord shredding performance was cut short by a single burst of black lightning that shot down from the middle of the snowy funnel cloud that surrounded the cage. The Crowned One and all the Red People were thrown several feet back from the blast. Thunder immediately exploded across the field. Smallmouth buried his face as the force and sound raced over him. Ears ringing, he kept his face down for a few seconds. He squinted back up to the strike zone.
The strange black lightning had blown the cage completely apart. Two of The Red People had been hit with the metal fencing. One laid motionless. The other gargled in pain as he put a hand to the pole that was sticking out of his sternum, having penetrated all the way through. His legs buckled and he fell forward, the end of the pole hitting the ground first and propping him up for a moment, before his body slowly slid down to the ground around the metal. He went silent. The other four Red People, yelling in surprise, gathered themselves, looking to the charred hole in the ground where Old Azazel should be, right in the center where the cage used to stand. The Crowned One got to his feet and picked up his spear.
“My brothers, gather your arms…” the Crowned One whispered, breathing heavily under his red cloak.
“The work is not over…”
The four remaining Red People grabbed their spears and slowly walked over to the burnt, smoking hole, holding an attack pose over it until further instructions were given.
“Are you with us, you age old tormentors?” This was the first time Smallmouth could hear fear in the tired voice of the Crowned One.
“Are you with us now? Are you ready to die, you infernal bastards? Are you ready to-“
The Crowned One was interrupted by a booming noise from the hole that tore Smallmouths wits to shreds. It was similar to the cry of Old Azazel, but much deeper and ten times louder and angrier. It was as if a freight train was blaring its horn and slamming its brakes at the same time.
“NOW MY BROTHERS!! STRIKE THE BEAST OF HELL WITH YOUR SPEARS! NOW!!!”
The Red People all threw their weapons down into the smoking hole. The hellish noise from within stopped in an instant. The Red People crowded closer to the edge of the hole, waiting for the smoke to clear. The Crowned One walked over to them, putting his black gloved hand on the shoulder of the nearest man.
“Oh, Brothers. Oh my dear, dear Brothers. Your acts tonight have rid the earth of a Great and Powerful Evil…”
Before he could continue, a fully enraged and re-inspired bellow thrust itself up and out of the hole like a serrated blade. Much, much louder and angrier than before. The Red People were taken aback in terror. Suddenly, from within the hole, a large head emerged and gaped a huge, disgusting maw up at the crowd. The head was burned black and its eyes were half boiled white and without pupils. It shrieked out that most terrible noise as if it didn’t need oxygen.
“There’s no way” Smallmouth heard himself say under his breath.
All in one motion, the beast leaped out of the hole, and turned to face its attackers. It was Old Azazel, except swollen with burnt mass. It appeared to have grown a half a size at least. Three spears stuck out of its sizzling, charcoal colored back. It snapped its gigantic jaws at the Red People, who shuddered in horror. The Crowned One spoke:
“DO NOT RELENT BROTHERS!! ATTACK!! ATTACK THE BRUTE!!”
He pulled his pistol back out of his cloak and fired the remaining three rounds on the new and horrible black burnt Old Azazel. The beast’s cloudy boiled egg eyes shot open along with its unnaturally stretched jaws. It took the three bullets as if they were tennis balls. At the speed of a charging grizzly and with multiple times the power Old Azazel raged over to The Crowned One and dove onto him mouth first, putting both front hooves on his chest as he was knocked down. The Crowned One cried out in a shockingly high pitched wail, like a man being electrocuted. The Beast bit right into the soft of his belly, and began to shake him around like an Orca trying to separate a seal from its pelt.
“OH GOD!!!! AHHHHHH GOD OHHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!! NOOOO!!!! OH GOD HELP ME!!!! MAMA!!!! OHHHH!!! MAMA!!!!!”
The beast ate and ate and shook and shook and tore and broke and destroyed while the Crowned One lost more and more of his body, all while crying out to the sky at the top of his punctured lungs. The other Red People sprinted to the black Dodge Ram, opened its doors and piled inside. Smallmouth heard it crank up and it began to speedily turn around and race away from the fire and back toward the road. The beast unhooked from the Crowned One and let out another ghastly roar of victory before biting into his neck, ending his screaming forever. The beast then left his half devoured body and began a tremendous and terrible charge after the truck, which was greatly slowed down by the trailer. Smallmouth put his face down as the beast passed him by only about 10 feet on its way to the truck, which had just made it back to the road and was using every RPM possible to get away from the demon charged killing machine on its heels. Smallmouth turned around to watch both parties disappear down the road, the echoes of that great and evil blasting noise stabbing his ears again. He remained on his stomach in the tall, snowy grass for another two minutes as he normalized his breath and tried to make any sense of what he just witnessed.
Eventually he slowly rose up and looked to make sure that terrible thing was indeed out of the area. No signs of life or death from up at the road. The danger was at least a couple miles away by now. Smallmouth then turned back toward the fire and to the dominated body of the Crowned One. He carefully walked up closer and closer. To his amazement he heard wheezy noises coming from the emptied out torso of the man, a scattering of insides and flesh and blood strewn all around him. Troubled, rattling breaths escaped from under the red clothed head, whose crown of thorns had flown off in the attack. Most of the red cloak had been ripped to shreds, and all that remained covered were his shoulders and above. The cloth slowly ebbed and flowed with breath. Smallmouth could not believe this man was still alive. His entire digestive system was eviscerated and his ribs were exposed. Smallmouth knelt down beside him and lifted his cloak over his head to let him at least breathe his last in the open air.
Smallmouth let out a gasp. This man had a face that Smallmouth knew very well. He recognized him immediately from the old church he worked at. The clean shaven face. The short, silver hair. The sharp nose. This was a man that had joined his church two weeks before the schism. He never spoke in church but it was rumored he would meet at the homes of different members and try to sway them to his strange ideas. He was the one rumored to have led the radical faction somewhere in the middle of the woods. To Smallmouth, it was all starting to make more sense.
“I know you,” Smallmouth said softly, “I know who you are. You tore a church in half didn’t you? You’re the crazy guy that split up my ole church! What the hell have you done?”
The man struggled to breathe and tried his best to spit up a couple of words. His neck had deep lacerations that flowed with escaping life.
“I…I…I…uhh…I only…I only…I only did what I believed…” he whispered before a wet, stifled breath.
“What did you do?!!!” Smallmouth grew angry, and his voice followed suit. This man had ruined his job and now he had unleashed something horrifying on his neighborhood. He had tampered with things that man has no business tampering with.
“I…I…I have…have…I have failed, Smallmouth Bassett” the man croaked. Smallmouth couldn’t believe he had bothered to remember his name.
“I have failed. I have failed. God help you all…” with that the man’s face fell and he let out one last slow exhale before all was still.
Smallmouth got back on his feet and looked away from the dead man and toward the fire, which towered and raged in the reflection of his eyes.
“Oh no…oh no…oh no” he said in between terrified breaths.
Then another though hit him like a wrecking ball.
“Uncle Chuck…”