OK, we are going to try to piece it together yet again. As I've stated in the past, all is conjecture but some of the things which I said in the past need realigning given the new direction the Company is taking. For a long time we've searched, but it all started in the beginning, so therefore, by definition, there must be an end. Many thanks to you my friend u/psasoffice for your help in piecing this puzzle together.
So, the time frame begins when it began, until the time it is realized or when the money runs out. Let's go back again to the summer of 2022, when share price went to $1.26, what caused that? Well to answer that, we need to go back even further.
Back in 2019, CytoDyn put out this PR CytoDyn Announces FDA Clearance to Proceed with Phase 2 Study of Leronlimab (PRO 140) and Regorafenib as a Combination Therapy for Metastatic Colorectal Cancer. Regorafenib is a small molecule tyrosine kinase inhibitor with minimal efficacy and high toxicity. As u/perrenialloser pointed out, it has plenty of side effects and really is not that functional. However, the drug manufacturer Bayer was prepared to do this Phase II Clinical Trial in patients with metastatic CRC with CytoDyn.

"The study will be conducted by lead principal investigator, John L. Marshall, M.D., Director, The Ruesch Center for the Cure of GI Cancers Frederick P. Smith Endowed Chair, Chief, Hematology and Oncology Lombardi Comprehensive Cancer Center, Georgetown University Medical Center, Washington, D.C."

I wasn't around at the time to know for sure, but I believe this trial was set up by Nader. Eventually, this study would be withdrawn for reasons which I am about to disclose.
In October 2021, the MD Anderson Study with Keytruda is announced.

"Nader Pourhassan, Ph.D., CytoDyn’s President and Chief Executive Officer, said, “We anticipate this study will further evaluate the immunomodulatory effects of leronlimab in the tumor microenvironment. We are excited about the possibilities for leronlimab to offer a potential new treatment option for breast cancer patients. This could be an additional indication for which we are pursuing approval for leronlimab. We are also very grateful to Dr. Scott Kelly for arranging for this study to be conducted by Dr. Jangsoon Lee, assistant professor of Breast Medical Oncology Research at The University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center."

Cyrus Arman comes onboard as President effective July 9, 2022. During that summer of 2022, the CYDY share price ran up as high as $1.26 per share for some unknown reason. In the past, I attributed it to NASH. I give a breakdown of my thinking here in I Tell You A Mystery. In the commotion of Cyrus' hiring and the mass fluctuations of the share price, the MD Anderson Study had already been completed and the results were looking good to those privileged enough to have been granted rights to actually see the data. Coincidentally, it was about this time that the CRC with Regorafenib was withdrawn. Hmmm, Why was this trial withdrawn? Just because the MD Anderson results looked great or because there was something even more profound and substantial built upon those results?

"We can apply the same logic in the Oncology study being run by MD Anderson using Merck's Keytruda in combination with Leronlimab. We had all been waiting to find out what had happened with the results of the MD Anderson study, and Cyrus threw us this line: "Leronlimab is currently being trialed in combination with Keytruda (pembrolizumab) in a breast cancer xenograft model in partnership with MD Anderson Cancer Center." From here, he gave us a hint of what is to come."

In his infamous 12/7/22 R&D Update: Future Development, Cyrus presented his Vision & Plan for the Company:

"17:09: And we're also still committed to HIV, but we're really looking at it more through the lens of developing longer-acting agents. And Dr. Sacha will be talking about that at the end of our discussion today.
17:21: So, within oncology, we're interested in studying what would be referred to as immunologically colder tumors. And Dr. Glück will present on what those -- what we mean by that later. But we think that these are areas where more recent advancements from checkpoint inhibitors have yet to really have a large impact in those markets. And so, we think that there's a unique opportunity based on the data we already have in some of these colder tumors to make an impact.
17:51: Within NASH, we're particularly excited about the data that we have there, and NASH will be our primary focus going forward. We'll also talk a little bit about a unique opportunity to study and look for the treatment effect of leronlimab in people living with HIV who also have NASH. And we think that we might be in a unique position to address that population."
"18:22: So, going forward, we're focusing on NASH, oncology and earlier-line HIV indications through longer-acting agents that inhibit CCR5. Again, we've already generated promising clinical signals in both NASH and oncology. And within NASH, we're exploring the opportunity to study a segment of patients of those NASH patients who are also living with HIV.
18:50: Within oncology, we want to pursue colorectal cancer and breast cancer specifically. Within the colorectal cancer population, we want to focus on a micro-satellite stable group, which represents about 85% of all diagnosed colorectal cancers. And within breast cancer, we want to focus on the hormone receptor positive HER2-negative population, which is about 70% of all diagnosed breast cancers, and the TNBC population since we have data in that space. All of these are quite large markets."

The FDA made it truly tough for Cyrus to meet his goals as the Company's main devotion was to get the hold lifted, so Rules had to be followed. Also, Cyrus unfortunately made NASH a focus and then subsequently became sick and then found himself taking a demotion. His focus really should have been on Oncology as #1 target as it finally is today. Here though is a revealing statement he made:

"...these are areas where more recent advancements from checkpoint inhibitors have yet to really have a large impact in those markets. And so, we think that there's a unique opportunity based on the data we already have in some of these colder tumors to make an impact."

Keeping that escalation in share price to $1.26 in mind, when did CA know about this data? He got the data on the MD Anderson results either before or shortly after his hire. Remember, shortly after NP was terminated, Cyrus was at CytoDyn working at least for a few months prior to his hire giving opportunity to the BOD to assess his work ethic and ways about him. In this time, CA saw the MD Anderson results and they were looking mighty good. Where are these results today? They still reside with MD Anderson. Why don't we have them right now? Too many $millions to buy it, but we saw the results and those results are the impetus for the change in gears of the Company's priorities. Surely Scott Kelly, who was responsible for securing the MD Anderson study has seen them as well.
Speculation: So, what did Cyrus do immediately once he saw those results? He negotiated a cancer play in mCRC with MD Anderson. We can try to piece this together using parts of this post.

"What also happened in August? Only the removal of the first management player who’s experience was in Negotiation and Partnerships, Brendan P. Rae. No longer any necessity for Negotiation? I guess not. As time went quickly by, without any word of what was taking place, the share price began to fall. It became uncomfortably obvious that by mid November, Recknor had been let go. He was CytoDyn's most experienced scientific, medical and managerial player for NASH, but in the game of a collaboration, anyone and everyone is a commodity and all are replaceable. On the same topic, a significant stock bonus was paid to the president in September of last year after only two months on the job. Was a deal struck? Also, our very own CMO, Scott Kelly who coined the phrase: “There are many ways to structure a partnership.“ himself gets terminated in December 2022."

Just like that bonus, (which was based on his obtaining a partnership), the short-lived share price rise also assumed that a deal had been struck. Scott Kelly was privy to the MD Anderson results just as Cyrus was. Why didn't Kelly put a deal together like Cyrus did? I don't want to diminish the fact that Kelly was wholly responsible originally for getting the MD Anderson murine study going. The fact is that a deal had been made and justifies Cyrus' bonus payment.
Proof came a year later, in October 2023 in a few posts by biloxiblues which together with everything else, in my eyes, solidifies this new theory. The price went to $1.26 because of this 100% fully funded, 200 patient Phase II mCRC combination Keytruda Clinical Trial Cyrus Arman had arranged with MD Anderson, based on the spectacular results of the MD Anderson murine study. But, as discussed in the posts by biloxi above, the BOD got in the way. This can also explain why the Regorafenib Bayer trial was withdrawn, when it became clear as day that the results of the MD Anderson study were great and a massive combination Keytruda trial was struck, but pending, unfortunately, taking second fiddle to the work of getting the hold lifted.
Through his discussions with Cyrus, biloxiblues indicates that Tanya would not compromise. She and the others on the BOD were too intently focused on following the mandates of the FDA. The FDA wasn't fooling around with the hold and CytoDyn could not make any more mistakes. Tanya was dead set on following the "Rules". The number one priority was to get off clinical hold and the FDA made it damn near impossible for CytoDyn and Cyrus. It damn near killed him. So, the BOD made the incredulous decision to walk away from Cyrus' baby, which was a fully funded mCRC combination trial with Keytruda and we learned all of that in October 2023 thanks to biloxiblues.
But this was Cyrus' Baby, and he wasn't about to let her go. Could this be why CA is still with us? After all, aren't we back to mCRC again?
Dr. Lalezari comes on board in November of 2023 and puts forth the Inflammation and Immune Activation within a very small sub-set of HIV patients. Share price bumped up and pulled back. Damn, this trial with 90 patients could cost CytoDyn near $10 million. Where does that money come from? Share price is lower after the announcement. Can't raise money with a low share price. That would consume boat loads of shares. Inflammation/Immune Activation was not working. People weren't buying it.
Cyrus Arman is witnessing everything going on, that there is no money and that it is not advancing, and it occurs to him that his baby, may not be completely abandoned altogether. No, he realizes that the hope he once had lost due to circumstance could now be found again, so he advocates in earnest for her.
He recalls Scott Kelly discussing the 12/14/21 CC with Scott Kelly Basket Trials:

"25: 25 Kelly: We are excited about the Basket Trials. I'll start by saying I just presented at San Antonio Conference December 10th. That was in results wrt mTNBC in combination with carboplatin, CCR5 positive, mTNBC and I tell you, the reason why we are excited about the Basket Trial is that they think that there is a growing acceptance that the Tumor Micro Environment is the next Frontier for Immunotherapy. And I mean this amongst practicing physicians, the academic world, probably as well as big pharma, and I think we are more advanced than this. We've been looking at the mechanism of action in the tumor micro environment and see Leronlimabs impact across multiple different oncologic indications and we also think that we can pair this with a check point inhibitor, chemo, radiation, antibody zero conjugates, as well as maybe even a potential monotherapy in certain patients that don't qualify for other treatments. We think the MOA, with T-Regs. When T-Regs come in, they turn off the immune system. We know that they have a high prevalence of CCR5. We can block that. We can actually maybe leverage the immune system. If we look at macrophage re-polarization, that's another potential opportunity. Our animal studies showed a significant reduction in angiogenesis. I think it was 62% in total vessillary and 80% reduction in small vessel area. But, we know that tumors need a blood supply to grow and if we can help limit that, then we think we can have benefit for patients. And last, we know that normal cells, CCR5 is only present on an immune cell, but we know that when cells under go malignant transformation, that they start sprouting up CCR5, and we believe that is a contributor to metastasis. So, we have multiple different mechanisms of action and we continue to find more as we go along that we will be evaluating."

He remembers Dr. Gluck's discussion in the 12/7/22 R&D Update Dr. Stefan Gluck; MicroEnvironment.

"So, as you saw, very small studies, but extremely promising, and the signal for an oncologist like myself is so strong that I'm enthusiastic about it. We, as oncologists, need to be positive because otherwise, we cannot treat patients and tell them something better is coming. The leronlimab decrease of these tumor cells actually did relate both in mTNBC and in colorectal with improved survival. That's amazing."

Cyrus turns to our 3rd party AI collaborator and requests an assessment on the effect of a CCR5/L5 axis blockade in mCRC. Their AI engines get to work and compile all that is known and understood regarding the pertinent Biomarkers in combination with all the pertinent journal articles on the blockade of the CCR5/L5 axis in the disease to finally determine that it works like a charm, like no other.
He reflects upon these statements made in this Regorafenib study which supports the fight against the MSS cold tumors. Thank you u/perrenialloser for this journal article.

"The majority of patients with CRC exhibit a microsatellite stable (MSS) or mismatch repair proficient (pMMR) status, which is known as the “cold tumor” with less mutated oncogenes and less inflamed tumor immune microenvironment, resulting in a limited efficacy of ICIs (2). The inadequate recruitment and activization of immune cells to the tumor microenvironment were considered to be fundamental mechanisms underlying the inefficacy of ICIs in MSS mCRC (4). Combination strategies to enhance the immunogenicity of the tumor microenvironment and exploit the benefit of ICIs in patients with MSS are urgently needed."

He becomes even more convicted. Given all that I presented here in addition to the proven results of the MD Anderson, Keytruda study which Cyrus has laid his own eyes upon, he becomes whole heartedly supportive of the Priority switch to the mCRC Oncology Indication. I'm sure Richard Pestell was also 100% behind Cyrus in this decision to switch priorities. Also, by switching to Oncology, share price has a better chance of increasing as Oncology is favored by the public. Fund raising could happen much quicker with a higher share price resulting from a better indication. From the recent May 2024 Letter to Shareholders:

"Over the next six months, we expect to commence at least one, and potentially two clinical trials. The prospective clinical trials, in order of priority, are: (i) a Phase II study of leronlimab in patients with relapsed/refractory microsatellite stable colorectal cancer; and (ii) a Phase II study exploring leronlimab’s effects on inflammation. The Company’s priority will be the oncology trial which, if successful, will put us on track towards a commercial approval of leronlimab in that indication. The inflammation study is aimed at clarifying certain provocative observations related to leronlimab, and to help define the dose and underlying mechanism of anti-inflammatory action. It is imperative that the Company generate unassailable results in the clinic and I believe the above trials can accomplish this. Starting the oncology study and related fundraising is the top priority of the Company at this time, but our current hope is that we can initiate both studies before the end of this calendar year."

So straight from the CEO's mouth, related fundraising is the top priority of the Company at this time. Cyrus remains here at CytoDyn because of the need to pump up the value by switching to a more attractive Indication Priority. I repeat all of this, because with all of the peer reviewed and published Journal Articles that discuss the CCR5/L5 axis in the context of Colo-Rectal Cancer and given Keytruda's exceptional performance as a PD 1 blockade in only 15% of these CRC MSI tumors, leronlimab can open the door wide open to the remaining 85% MSS tumors. The trial starts this year. Also from the recent Shareholder Letter:

"Research and development partnership opportunities are important to the Company as we search for cost-effective ways to further build out our product development portfolio. We have identified several such opportunities that we believe are intriguing and anticipate finalizing agreements with these partners in the very near future. Such potential partnerships include an investigator-initiated pilot study of leronlimab in patients with Alzheimer’s Disease, and a project that will evaluate the use of leronlimab in patients living with HIV who are undergoing stem cell transplantation in a proof of cure study. Following lifting of the clinical hold, we have observed a significant increase in third parties that are interested in partnering with the Company. We will continue to review opportunities as they arise, given the potential for significant value return at little or no cost to the Company."

The question I now have is with whom? Partners are incoming, but did leronlimab make it easier for the PD-1 blocker Keytruda to work in MSS mCRC tumors? If it did, (and Cyrus knows if it did or did not), then Merck certainly remains there in the bidding. If leronlimab did it all by itself and Keytruda was superfluous, then the partner might be someone like u/i__OBSERVER points to entities such as the NIH as the source of that funding.
Personally, I am very much thankful to anyone involved that pushed for the change in priority as mCRC is a much better recognized Indication, and one that is easier to understand and bring to the public.

Hello all. I (35f) am an American that has been back in my hometown in Texas since Covid. I am looking to leave the states again and am wondering what my options are outside of here.
I am a tattoo artist of 9 years and would be relying on that for income (at least at the beginning) if I were able to make it to Morocco, but I am not sure of the specific laws there regarding tattooing. I tattooed for 5 years in Iraq/Lebanon, I am aware tattoos are technically haram within Islam but I managed to have steady business and really enjoyed myself, and as far as my research goes there are studios in bigger cities in Morocco that operate fairly well.
I have lived abroad over the years. 2006-07 France, 2013 Thailand, 2013-2017 Iraq and 2017-2020 Lebanon. I really appreciate and have gravitated towards the history and beauty of Arabic speaking countries, and I am aware and excited that Morocco is completely different from the other places I’ve lived.
I had big dreams of learning Arabic during my 7 years in the Middle East but wasn’t able to immerse myself like I did while living in France, so while I know words/phrases and can recognize some verbs they obviously change a lot depending on the dialect you’re speaking. I would be eager to learn Arabic and I find the Moroccan dialect beautiful. While my French isn’t what it used to be I understand nearly everything, have an (France affected but now mostly Lebanese) accent that suggests fluency and can have long conversations about simple/complex subjects. I would feel comfortable conducting a full tattoo session in French even if it would be a bit awkward.
The tattoo studio I worked for and helped open in Iraq was completely legit and certified by the MOH. In Lebanon, I never needed to change my tourist status as I traveled frequently enough to leave and come back, and was provided enough to work out of my private studio, obviously on the down-low (not proud but that’s just how it happened). I was always paid in local currency and was comfortable with the simple life I led and the amazing experiences I had and lifelong friends I made.
Does anyone have any insight on how I could go about this? I am aware of my privilege as an American passport holder, and while I’m not thrilled about “working on the down low” as I did in Lebanon, I can do what I have to. I’d like to get other skills I just want to be out of the US desperately. Happy to answer any questions and hear anyone’s insight. Thank you!

“I’m not a cat, I’m not an institutional investor nor am I a hedge fund” -Keith Gills aka RoaringKitty
A lawyer showed up to virtual court in the 394th district of Texas with a kitten filter turned on, the cat moving its lips and eyes, as Rod Ponton said he and his assistant were attempting to remove the filter during the court case.
The judge later posted the snipped and wrote: 'If a child used your computer before you join a virtual hearing, check the Zoom video options to be sure filters are off. This kitten just made a formal announcement on a case in the 394th.
Following the GME meta, Keith Gills aka RoaringKitty made reference to the popular meme when he said “ I’m not a cat, I’m not an institutional investor nor am I a hedge fund”
This popular phrase has been said by RoaringKitty many times and he is back on twitter again for a fucking good time.
Just like Roaring Kitty, instead of reporting and analyzing stocks, Notket will focus on cryptocurrency daily.
Join us on our purr-suit of meme coin glory as we claw our way to the moon and paws-itively insane market updates.
Website: www.notketsol.com
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@NOTKET_SHOW
Chart: https://dexscreener.com/solana/9n38mi2esya72k8xqrwm2djbrabagydqd6tdy9gp72ps
Tg: @ NOTKETSOL
X: https://x.com/notketsol79664

I'm interested in a relatively idiosyncratic intonational feature of a female YouTuber's speech pattern that I'm not sure how to best describe formally, given that I'm more of a syntactician than a phonologist and English is not my native language. It's most noticeable, I think, in this particular clip. (By the way, she runs a bee wrangling business in Texas if anyone over there is dealing with an infestation.)
At first glance, it sounds to me as if the last stressed syllable of every intonational phrase were linked by general rule to a H*L% tone (please correct me if I got the ToBY notation wrong), such that when a phrase ends in a three-syllable word with initial stress like colony we get an HLL contour ↗co↘lo↘ny. There also appears to be lengthening of the last stressed syllable, but that may well be a purely phonetic concomitant of the tonal protrusion.
This reminded me of an even stranger phenomenon found in a handful of Romance dialects reported in Yorio (1973). There's a regional Spanish dialect e.g. where the nuclear tone links not to the last stressed syllable, as in standard Spanish, but to the one that immediately precedes it, which suffers compensatory lengthening. This substandard linking rule drives a wedge between what we usually understand as "phonological" prominence (the syllable that is felt as most sonorous by the native speaker) and "phonetic" prominence (the most sonorous syllable according to acoustic parameters like duration or pitch).
Let me know if there's anything in the intonational phonology literature that bears on what's going on in that YouTube clip.

Cigarettes and rebellion have always gone hand-in-hand, and in an age of cigarette packet-sized health warnings, now more than ever, smoking a fag says: 'I do not give a fuck.' But if Brandon Flowers is hoping to strike a seditious pose by sparking up at the start of the interview, it's not going according to plan. The Killers' frontman is on all fours rooting through the junk that carpets the anteroom at the band's rehearsal space. "Has anyone seen my lighter?" he asks, rocking back on his heels. The question hangs in the air while Brandon cocks his head, waiting for an answer like a meerkat listening for a predator. Twenty-five years old and with a delicate bone structure, there's something almost dainty about him. Receiving no response, he returns to his search. "Oh, Jeez," he sighs. "I had it just a minute ago."
It's a scene that emphatically does not suggest a rebel without a cause. The mess isn't helping. The Killers' HQ - an industrial unit sandwiched between a construction supplier and the offices of a housing development just off Dean Martin Drive in West Las Vegas - is ankle-deep in designer clothing. A Dior Homme suit lies crumpled by the door; there's a pile of shoes topped like a sundae by a pair of Marc Jacobs trainers; and anyone wishing to enter the shoebox room the band use as an office must negotiate a mountain of discarded jeans. Many items are identifiable as coming from the wardrobe of Hot Fuss, The Killers' hugely successful 2004 debut album - triple platinum in the UK with two weeks at Number One and five million sold worldwide. Look! There are the shirts, ties and suit jackets they wore when they thrilled Glastonbury 2005 with indie rock anthems Mr Brightside and Somebody Told Me. That was the crowning moment of a two-and-a-half year tour that finally concluded in October of last year. It seems that after playing that final date in Miami, they returned to Vegas and shrugged off their image onto the floor of this bland white box.
Now a fine layer of dust covers the dead clothes. The Killers have no further use for white tuxedos on their second album, Sam's Town. Today, Brandon wears a black polo shirt, black pin-stripe waistcoat, black jeans and black boots. Where there used to be a layer of foundation, there is now a beard - an untrimmed beard at that. Dave Keuning (30, guitar), Mark Stoermer (29, bass) and Ronnie Vannucci (29, drums) all echo Brandon's black ensemble. Ronnie has added Aviator shades and a handlebar moustache for a dash of motorcycle cop, Dave's frizzy bubble of hair gives him a Marc Bolan-ish air, and there's something very teenage about Mark's scuffed Vans.
Short of walking around wearing sandwich boards saying, "Our new record is a bit heavier than the last one," The Killers couldn't hope to communicate that message more effectively. And they have gained some musical girth on Sam's Town. The pop hooks that made Hot Fuss so irresistible survive intact - see the ringing guitar riffs on first single When You Were Young - but there's a newfound punchiness, coupled with an epic sweep. The minor-to-major uplifts on Bones are fabulously dramatic, the coda to Why Do I Keep Counting? thrillingly intense. Comparisons to Bruce Springsteen have been made. If they overstate the case a little, they are at leaset qualitatively accurate. The Killers are back and this time it's serious - they've got the bootlace ties to prove it.
"Hey, it says here that Springsteen's headlining Glastonbury next year," shouts Ronnie, who's flicking through the NME. He nods sagely at the page without looking up.
"Really?" asks Dave, nicknamed Crazy Dave on account of his alledgedly volatile nature.
"The Boss is headlining one night, we're playing second on the bill the next night and Kylie's headlining the Sunday," says Brandon, charging like a bull through Michael Eavis' as-yet-unannounced line-up with what subsequently proves to be a characteristic gaucheness.
But that lighter is proving elusive. This being America, none of the people hurrying to-and-fro prepping the world for the release of Sam's Town smokes. Manager Robert Reynolds - Bobby Rey to the band - barks into his mobile, booking his band onto eye-wateringly demanding tours. "We're going to make a lot of money," he cackles to himself before switching calls to make a series of stern pronouncements on legal matters. Dave, Mark and Ronnie disappear for a jam session. Artwork is approved, B-sides are decided on and schedules are hammered out.
"I can't find it," Brandon says, finally. But he's not going to be denied the opportunity to underline The Killers reinvention with a puff of smoke. "Let's go to the gas station. I'll have to buy one. It's too busy to talk here anyway."
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Brandon's black (of course) Volkswagen Touraeg four-wheel drive is barrelling down West Flamingo Road into town. "I was a bell boy there," he says, pointing out of the driver's window at the stucco facade of the Gold Coast casino. "I was working there when we were signed."
Coming from Las Vegas, it is perhaps inevitable that casinos play a big part in The Killers' story; not only is Sam's Town named after one, it was recorded in one, too.
The band began writing songs while on the road with Hot Fuss, turning up early for soundchecks to run through new ideas. On a trip home to Vegas, George Maloof, a hotelier known for cultivating famous friends, invited them to record the album in the new studio he'd built at The Palms, his flagship hotel-cum-gambling den. When the tour finished in October 2005, they returned to Vegas and spent five month finessing the songs they'd sketched out on the road. Then, in February, they decampled to the third floor studio at The Palms and recorded Sam's Town over 11 weeks.
Producer Flood (U2, Depeche Mode) encouraged them to experiment. They overdubbed, fiddled with synthesizers and played with new equipment. It took them five weeks to get the backing vocals right. The band sang the harmonies, then double-tracked them four times. The end result recalls Queen wondering, "Is this is the real life? Is this just fantasy?" When Ronnie, a trained classical percussionist, brought some kettledrums down, eyebrows were raised; but the fabulously bombastic coda on Why Do I Keep Counting? vindicates his indulgence.
"That's kind of the Ben Hur of the album," he says. He's not wrong. Sam's Town is a record on an epic scale. "Yeah, it has drama," he continues. "But, at the same time, I think it's a little more exposed than Hot Fuss. It's a little more naked. Last time it was about a lot of fictional things." By "fictional", Ronnie means that Hot Fuss wore its predominantly British influences for all to see. Brandon's taste in music is rabidly Anglophile - he constantly references The Smiths, The Cure and Joy Division - and it showed. By contrast, Sam's Town is an unequivocally American record. The lyrical imagery is pure American dream - cars, girls, wide-open spaces and escaping to a better life. "We're burning down the highway skyline/On the back of a hurricane that started turning/When you were young," sings Brandon on When You Were Young. That's the basis of the Springsteen comparisons then, though the lack of pathos more closely recalls another blue-collar rocker from New Jersey - Jon Bon Jovi.
The phrase "this town" recurs throughout the album, and it's always receding into the distance as The Killers escape to a new life. "This town was made for passing through/I never did get along with everybody else," sings Brandon on This River Is Wild. On Read My Mind he "never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town", while on the title track he offers something of an explanation: "Nobody ever had a dream round here."
"With the first record, there was this feeling that there was this world out there that we didn't know," says Mark later in the day. Before The Killers, he studied philosophy: now he's their quiet one. "We wanted to get out and away from this and be somewhere else. We hadn't had a lot of experience - hadn't travelled much - then we were gone for three years. We didn't sit down and say that we wanted to make a record about how we're glad to be home, but that's what happened naturally."
It's not an angsty record. The Killers have already escaped with Hot Fuss, and, having done so, they view the experience fondly now they're back. There's a mistiness to Brandon's eyes as he explains how the album got it's name.
"Sam's Town is a casino on the edge of Vegas," he says. "I grew up in Henderson, which is out on the way to the Hoover Dam. My mom and dad lived in a trailer park, and my dad used to hitchhike up and down Boulder Highway, which is the only way you could get to Vegas. Sam's Town was the first thing you saw on your way in to town. So, when you're driving down Boulder Highway from Henderson, I always thought you finally knew you were getting somewhere when you saw Sam's Town. It was kind of like a beacon."
"It's not a completely American album," contines Brandon. "We still have our English influence, but we're also from the Wild West. Somehow we've managed to unify all that on this album. it's just such a perfect resemblence of what we are."
At the petrol station, Brandon rummages through the glove box looking for change to buy a lighter. "This is a great album," he says, pointing at Highway Companion, the latest from iconic American rocker Tom Petty. "I've always been a big fan of his. He's such a great American artist."
Yes, Brandon: we get the point.
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When Brandon finally lights his cigarette, he smokes it awkwardly, like a child mimicking something he's seen the grown-ups doing. However, when he cheerfully admits that, "I feel the same mentally as I did when I was 12," it's not a knowing nod to the fact that he sometimes behaves like a loveably precocious child, but a reference to an unusually comprehensive grounding in pop music at an early age.
When Brandon sings about "this town", he doesn't mean Las Vegas. He means Nephi, Utah or Henderson, Nevada, where he spent his childhood. His parents are Mormon and he is the youngest of six children. "I was a surprise," he says. "I've got a 42-year-old sister." If he was issues about his "surprise" status, he chooses to gloss over them. "It turned out perfect because my brother was a teenager when I was a kid," he says. "He would bring home things like Rattle And Hum by U2 and I would watch it. I remember he bought Live In Dallas by Morrissey. It was always him watching these things, or his door was shut and you'd hear The Head On The Door by The Cure blasting through the house and rattling the walls."
The Killers were formed when Brandon answered an advert Dave had placed in a local paper in late 2002. Dave cited Oasis as a big influence; Brandon had seen them play recently and responded; and, as Dave has said in previous interviews: "He was the only person to reply to my ad who wasn't a complete freak." However, the band was born in Brandon's brothers bedroom.
"His room was like a shrine," enthuses Brandon. "It was a holy place. I wish I could show you a picture of it. It was covered in posters. There'd be a big picture of Elvis wearing a bow tie that just said 'The Smiths' [the artwork for The Smiths 1987 single Shoplifters Of The World Unite]. You had The Cure wearing face paint [the artwork to The Cure's 1985 single In Between Days] - all that kind of stuff. I remember Morrissey being on the cover of the NME, with the halo [from 1985] - stuff like that. You just wanted to know about these people 'cause they were so cool. My brother seemed like such a cool person. But he was a teenager, so he wasn't going to be that nice to me, a kid."
Brandon was fascinated by his brother's collection of music, magazines and posters, but he was denied access to them - officially, at least. "I would sneak in," he says. "I knew he'd be angry if he found out, but I would go in as soon as he left the house." For a long time Brandon was too scared to actually play anything. "That didn't come 'til later. I just used to go in there because I liked it. Then I got to the point where I'd actually take a tape out and put it in. It took more guts to do that."
It was a life-changing moment. "I was ten and the first song I played was Sing Your Life by Morrissey. I remember dancing about to it."
The lyrics to Sing Your Life include the lines, "Sing your life/Just walk right up to the microphone/And name all the things that you love/All the things that you loathe." It's intriguing to wonder what Morrissey makes of the neophyte he inspired with these lines.
Eventually, Brandon inherited his brother's tape collection. "It was around the same time CDs started coming out in a big way. He started buying CDs and gave me his tapes. And that was it: it took off from there. I got a hundred of the best albums - all the New Order, all the Morrissey, all The Smiths, The Beatles. I started buying posters. I went to see The Cure in concert. It was just kind of a continuation of my brother. And it was nice because, though my parents were strict, they were already used to it from him. There was no, 'My dad doesn't understand me,' or any of that kind of stuff. My mum likes The Smiths."
Brandon was 13 and his favourite band was late-'70s/early-'80s American new wavers The Cars, and particularly their jaw-droppingly catchy 1979 single Just What I Needed.
"I wouldn't exist without that song," he says. "That was the one. I remember driving around with my mum when I was 13, and we're living in Nephi - a really small town - and I felt so cool when I put that song on. Like: 'I have something that none of these kids I'm going to middle school with tomorrow have.' That excitement is what music's about, isn't it? That's why I understand the mentality of people that don't like us because we've sold so many records. I used to like it when no one else knew about a band. So I get that - I do."
+
Brandon's first band was called Blush Response. It was never going to work out. Not because he refused to move to Los Angeles with them, but because he is utterly - comically - shameless. He's given to making outrageously boastful statements like: "It's not like the '60s, '70s and '80s now. There are only a few bands around that are really good, that just do it. I mean, there's what, five or six of us?"
For the record, in Brandon's estimation, those bands are Franz Ferdinand, Razorlight, The Strokes, The White Stripes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and, of course, The Killers.
"I don't want people to think I'm lumping myself with other people just to make us sound cool," he says. Really? It sort of sounds like you are. But he just steamrolls through it. "Yeah, but you know what I mean," he says, grinning at his own cheekiness. He's so disgracefully forward you can't help but laugh along with him - Oh you are awful, Brandon! But joking aside, The Killers are the most commercially successful of all the bands he mentions.
Later, back at the rehearsal space, the band run through Sam's Town at deafening volume in preparation for the forthcoming tour - first the US, then the world. The infectious, almost contagious, chorus of When You Were Young sounds fabulous, as do the U2-like guitars and Twin Peaks synths of Read My Mind. Meanwhile, Smile Like You Mean It and Somebody Told Me benefit from the newfound harder edge.
They somewhat heavy-handedly underline the new direction by playing Paranoid by Black Sabbath and Get It On by T Rex. That's the thing: The Killers are not a subtle band. Their songs are like a wet kiss from a girl who's a bit too drunk. They are big and brash, and not everyone loves them for it. Mr Brightside and Somebody Told Me might go down as well at hip nightclubs as they do on the festival circuit, but the DJs play them with the same guilty look they wear when playing a pop record.
"I hate that," says Brandon. "Like writing a song you can hum somehow cheapens it? It makes me think of this quote by Morrissey. Everybody knows how he read Oscar Wilde, Keats and Yates when he was growing up and that he wanted to be a writer. He was talking to this journalist who asked why he hadn't become a writer, and Morrissey said: 'What I do is more powerful than what you do because I can write down these words and you get it to a melody. How can you beat that?' I'm of the same opinion. I don't understand why a good melody that's memorable is a bad thing."
Being dismissed as pop particular aggrieves Ronnie. "When we first came out we got compared to Duran Duran all the time. Jesus Christ! We got a keyboard player now all of a sudden he's Nick Rhodes! Come on!"
"The people who criticise us for being too poppy don't get it," agrees Mark. "I think that's the problem with a lot of rock music. People are afraid to write a song any more. Either that or they can't. And that attitude hurts music in general. The best bands ever have all written great songs. You can still do it and do it intelligently and it can be original. This isn't a studio creation with a producer writing these songs for us. We're not Avril Lavigne, or something like that. We're a real band writing real songs, just like a punk band would do, except that we write pop songs."
You get the impression that The Killers knack for showboating pop hooks that border on vulgar is inextricably tied up with the brazen side of Brandon's personality. But while his ebullient charisma, not to mention the songs themselves, mitigates his outrageousness, there is a less attractive side to his ego. He has a combative streak. He can't resist taking pot shots at emo bands, notably Fall Out Boy, whith whom The Killers share an A&R man.
Has he heard how many emo kids it takes to change a light bulb? "No." None. They just sit in the dark and cry. It's a full 30 seconds before he stops laughing. When he does he admits: "Yeah, we've had problems with other bands. You know, when you walk in the room it's like..." He whistles the theme to The Good, The Bad And The Ugly. "We're like gangs."
And while the other members of the band are diplomatic on the subject of Brandon, you don't have to read too deeply between the lines to conclude that there have been internal issues, too.
"Some people will think Brandon's the big genius," says Dave, visibly bridling. "There are songs, such as Why Do I Keep Counting?, where he's written every note. But there are others, like When You Were Young, that were more of a collaboration - like Mr Brightside, where I had some of the music and Brandon came up with the lyrics. We always have arguments about who wrote what. The truth is that we all help in that process."
When asked how success affected them, Ronnie says: "There were certain things that needed adjusting. When you're on tour for two years, people can get a little needy. It doesn't help that you're surrounded by yes men and everybody's working for you. At times we've had to say, 'Who do you think you are?' to people. No one wears the trousers, but some people would like to. I think if it wasn't for the people in the band kicking each other in the ass... Let's just say there was some ass-kickin'."
It doesn't take a genius to work out whose ass needed kicking most often.
+
It's the following day and The Killers are back at their rehearsal space. The topic of discussion is what to wear in the video for Bones, the second single. It's a big deal: the director is Tim Burton. "I feel like Frank Sinatra when I sing it," announces Brandon. "With maybe a little bit of Morrissey and a little bit of Elvis, too."
Of course he does. But if securing the services of Tim Burton tells you one thing, it's that The Killers are about to get even bigger, perhaps even make the leap to the same level as Coldplay et al. Already stars, they are about to become superstars. Brandon can hardly wait.
"Do you know that Rolling Stone didn't want to put us on the cover last time," he says indignantly. "They didn't think we were stars. We sold five million albums! What more do they want from a band?"
Whatever was required, Brandon would be happy to do most things. "I'll do stuff that some people don't want to do, 'cause I want people to hear the music," he says. However, even he has limits. "The Rolling Stone thing made the record label think: 'What can we do to make them stars?' If I go on vacation with my wife, do they have to send somebody to be there to take pictures of me? Is that how you become a star? I don't want that. I walked down the red carpet one time and I realised I don't like it. But you don't have to walk down the red carpet for people to hear your music. We do still have some of that indie blood running through our veins."
He heads off at a tangent: "When you walk around Liverpool, you think of The Beatles, or you go to Manchester and you think of The Smiths or Oasis. I want you to come to Las Vegas and think of Sam's Town. And I think we've started to capture that, which is a truer version of The Killers, 'cause that's where we're from."
He pauses.
"I used to live across the street from Sam's Town. Maybe it'll be like our Abbey Road where people go to take pictures."
Is that what he'd like?
"I wouldn't mind it," he says, desperately hoping it will come true.
He puts a cigarette between his lips, looks down at his trouser pockets and pats them in search of the lighter he bought yesterday.
"Hey, I don't suppose you've got one?"

A couple of projection clicks kick off the next trailer before the footage is shown. as shots of a college campus appear, while kids are walking around,a narration opens with "This is story of five young women, A rocker, (showing footage of her and a band performing karaoke on stage at a rec center) an athlete (showing footage of her running hurdles on a track), a cheerleader (rooting for her team and her boyfriend during a football game), an outcast (basically a goth kid), and an academic (showing footage of her study for a book report on the novel "the most dangerous game"). "They were college students, sorority sisters, and the best of friends since childhood (which shows footage of them as kids,teenagers, then the adults they became later in life) until the night their perfect worlds were shattered beyond repair". "What started as an innocent practical joke drew the ire of a dangerous gang who followed them home (while the narration is going on they slashed the tires and disabled the motor to the gangs car in retaliation/defense of an uncle and two four year old children who were being bullied by the gang, then it's cuts to the gang breaking in to the sorority house and while try as they may,the girls are no match for the gang) and savagely beat and kill their housemother" ( one gang members holds the other residents at gunpoint in a corner of the house, five others pin the five girls down to the floor and make them watch whole the gang leader (who has a scar in the shape of a hook from his eyebrow to his ear ) and his second in command beat the housemother almost to death) you see and hear the girls crying and pleading not to kill her and offer to fix the car in exchange for her life but to no avail, the housemother tries to comfort the girls, knowing that she's about to die "there,there now. Everything's going to be ok, you girls be good you hear me?" Then hook-scar blows her face off with a shotgun and blood and brains splatter all over the girls while they're bawling their eyes out as he coldly says ".....and to all a goodnight " one gang member wants to waste the other girls but hook-scar grabs his shirts and forcefully reminds him "WE'RE DONE HERE!!!!, no lets get outta here before campus police show up". The next morning the girls are interviewed by police, but they don't tell them what caused the attack, after the housemother's funeral the girls are confronted by one of their fellow sisters and gives them a key that one of the gang members left behind. "What's this? ", "I don't know ", "Looks to me like a storage key, there's a storage area downtown let's go take a look later tonight". Later in the night they match the key with a storage unit number, and they open it up to find all kinds of firearms (shotguns, M-16's, 9mm's, AK-47's, you name it) "What does this mean?" "Isn't it obvious?, if the police can't do anything we'll do it ourselves, we have all the weapons we'll ever need to defend ourselves, but where to start?" "Hey,do you guys remember Mr. Gomez's class reports on the most dangerous game?" Next few shots would be the five girls loading ammo mags, strap on ammunition belts and loading their new found guns "NOW..,these five young women are on safari, hunting their quarry in the most dangerous environment know to man.............the criminal underworld", on this night they would be known as,THE MAN-HUNTERS!!!" and it would be a bloody and violent montage of them killing pimps,drug-dealers, etc. setting traps,lures and snares for perverts, child molesters, and rapists and when word got around that the girls were using weapons from their own storage unit,hook-scar beats the gang member who dropped the key to death and declares they were going on a hunt of their own, second to final shot shows an abducted athlete held prisoner by hook-scar who starts cutting off her fingers one by one (because he "doesn't like sticky fingers touching his property") followed by her bloodcurdling scream of pain while blood splashes in her face, final shot shows the four girls breaking in to rescue the athlete and killing the remaining gang members while hook scar takes a shot to the side and a deep laceration to the side of his neck. While he's crawling towards the exit the four girls patch up the athlete's hand (who's missing a thumb and half a pinky finger) and walk straight towards him with gun barrels pointed at him, and while spitting blood in his face the athlete mocking taunts hook-scar with his own phrase ".......and to all a goodnight". And while he gives the girls his own bloodcurdling scream of defiance, flashes of light from the gunshots and smoke fill the theater screen and freeze frame with the narration returning, "The Man-Hunters,.......pray you're not on their endangered species list"
A 70's title card appears "COMING SOON"
The grindhouse theme returns while another title card appears, "OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION"
Before the film starts there's a slow crawl that shows up on the screen 1974 texas chainsaw massacre style minus the narration
"ATTENTION!, Despite numerous attempts at restoring this film from duplicates of the original negatives and splicing it together with a recent discovered "director's cut", this film may contain two or three missing reels, we apologize for any inconvenience

 -Theater Management" 

Background: I'm based in Texas, USA and my neighbor has a cat they bought recently, not from a shelter ( I know because he isn't neutered but us of neuterable age) he most likely isn't vaccinated. He spends most days outside, including in the heavy storms we've been having. He, after 5 days of being outside was let back in tonight.
I've been trying to go over my cities code of ordinances and such but the phrasing is- I just dont understand it easily.
He seems incredibly ravenous nowadays, has tried coming into my house on many occasions, and always greets my on my way to work and coming back from work.
If they don't have vet bills, ie neutering and vaccinations but I get them done for him, could that make him mine in the eyes of the law? If I try to take him in, how can I cover myself?
I don't make many posts, so I pray this is good on context! This baby is just worth everything I can do for him.
Learning how few laws we have to protect cats has been so infuriating!!
TLDR: my neighbors bought a cat and neglect him. How can I take him and be covered legally in Texas?

Looking for this song performance I saw on YouTube many years ago. It’s a sweet love song by an acoustic band and they play in some sort of studio with a small orchestra — mostly stringed instruments, I think, but may have been some brass too.
The room is chaotic and super-crowded with musicians and the video isn’t staged in any intentional way. The song starts off with just acoustic guitar, with a catchy melody — if I remember correctly, many of the lyrics are in second-person, past tense (“You were…”). Over the course, the other instruments fill in and the song builds to a swelling climax. Very catchy, warm, slightly humorous song, some quirky lyrics in English.
Sounds a little bit like Pomplamoose, but I think it might even predate them. Also has a little bit of Mumford & Sons, but with more lightness and humor. I remember hearing that the name of the band was actually some kind of rude phrase in the UK and that the band were somewhat controversial because of that (and may have also changed their name?). Pretty sure the band itself was American or Canadian.
The name of the band and/or song may have been something like Elbow Room or Hungry Buttons or something like that. (Here, I am really starting to plumb the deep recesses of my memory.)

This is my list of the top 10 non hardcore emo albums post 2000. I did not include any hardcore or true pop punk albums. Obviously this comes down to personal preference, and the emo genre is so diverse this was a difficult list to make. I think I did a decent job of putting together a solid list of diverse emo albums. Let me know your top 10 list! I want to note that I only chose one album from every artist to go on this list. I honestly believe 5 of the 10 bands have more than one album that could potentially make this list, but I wanted to give a nod to a few other lesser known bands and albums. I put the list with no commentary first so people would not be forced to wade through my reviews to see the list.
My Top 10 Emo Albums: 1. Turnover - Peripheral Vision 2. Citizen - Youth 3. Movements - Feel Something 4. Tigers Jaw - Self Titled 5. The Hotelier - Home, Like No Place There Is 6. City and Colour - Bring Me Your Love 7. A Great Big Pile of Leaves - You’re Always on My Mind* 8. Pinegrove - Marigold 9. Gleemer - Down Through 10. Foxing - The Albatross
Honorable Mention: 1. Secondhand Serenade - Awake 2. For When You Can’t Breathe - A Home That Doesn’t Exist
Quick Album Reviews:

1. Turnover - Peripheral Vision This is and will always be my top album. A true masterpiece to my ears. The music is dreamy, but they still kept some of the heaviness from earlier albums. That Roland JC-120 tone will always be legendary. The lyrics are super emo, but it doesn't sound dark unless you really listen. I have played this album at the cafe, and more than once I have had someone mention, “This music is so happy” lol. Go read the lyrics and get back to me on that. The lyrical content is approachable and relatable. Solid 10/10.
   
2. Citizen - Youth This album simultaneously rocks and jams. The guitars can be heavy at times, but the mix of calm and heavy parts is a genius execution. The Vocals are something of magic. The mix of the clean and yelling vocals not only fits the style but also adds a ton of dynamics. The lyrics are gut wrenching. Songs like “The Night I Drove Alone” are an all too real description of what living with suicidal ideation is like. This is the closest thing to being a hardcore album on this list, except maybe the Hotelier album, but I believe it is much more approachable than your average hardcore album, as the vocals do not really scream. 9.5/10
   
3. Movements - Feel Something This album does not rock as hard as “Youth” but It does jam twice as hard. Now don’t get me wrong: it rocks…hard. The lyrics and melodies on this album may be my favorite on any emo album. The lyrics are clever and witty, and the melodies are smooth and memorable. This is an album I have to sing along to when I listen to it. I believe the first 5 songs on this album may be the best 5 song stretch on any emo album ever produced. These songs together get a 10/10. The only things I didn't really care for at first were the spoken word parts. The words are great, but spoken word just really isn't my thing. It takes me back to my days in the evangelical church, but I have grown to love it. 9.5/10
   
4. Tigers Jaw - Self Titled This is a classic emo album. Personally it is not even my favorite Tiger’s Jaw album. For my personal taste “Spin” takes the cake, but there is no denying that the Self Titled album was more successful and had a larger influence on emo music as a whole. The music is very raw. It could have easily been produced in a bedroom, though it was recorded in a real studio. The guitars and vocals are both pretty raw. It has very little pop influence in the sense that it is not very polished. Let’s be honest, that is one of the major draws to the album. The lyrics, though silly at times, are very real and raw. “What about your friends, do they make you happy?” “Lie to me like you used to” “We are made from chemicals, but what holds us together is much more than that” This album showcases great lyricism and melody building. 9/10
   
5. The Hotelier - Home, Like No Place There Is Many avid emo fans consider this album to be the best emo album ever produced. I agree that it is one of the best. The music ranges from pretty heavy to chiller alt rock. It does have some screamo style vocals, but that is not the majority of the vocals, which is why it's not on the hardcore list. “Life In Drag” is 100% screamo, “Housebroken” is a chill alt song, and songs like “Among The Wildflowers” and “Your Deep Rest” are an excellent combination of both. The lyrics are another example of top tier lyricism in the emo genre. The song “Your Deep Rest” may be the most gut wrenching song I have ever heard in any genre. 9/10
   
6. City and Colour - Bring Me Your Love This is the only acoustic album to make the top 10. I listened to this album from 2008 to 2015 before I even realized that most people even considered it emo. I just saw it as an awesome acoustic album. The music overall has a pretty dark sound especially for an acoustic album. The sound reminds me a bit of The Spill Canvas’ “Sunsets & Car Crashes” album but it is much more refined and has a more pop style production. Dallas’ advanced guitar skills and beautiful and soulful vocals are really a thing of beauty. My first year in college this was my drink and be sad album. It is incredibly dark. “Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle” “It's passion, it's not love. Infatuation never ends up right. At least I won't be alone tonight.” “We celebrate the lives of the dead. It's like a man's best party, only happens when he dies.” 8.5/10
   
7. A Great Big Pile of Leaves - You’re Always on My Mind* A Great Big Pile of Leaves is the least popular band to make this list, but honestly one of the most original emo bands I’ve ever heard. This album has a super fun and happy sound. The music jams and groves very hard, while having a calming effect on the listener. This is a great album to take a nap to. The lyrics can be pretty silly with songs about a wild mouse in the house that they consider a pet, slumber parties, and going back to school. They prove that being happy and joyous are also worthwhile emotions. It is not all fun and games though, it also includes themes of those you trust letting you down, and the struggle of being introverted. I have never related to a song more than “Ambervision” 8.5/10
   
8. Pinegrove - Marigold I'm sure there will be plenty of people who will question why I chose this album over all the other bangers Pinegrove has released. It is one of Pinegrove’s least successful albums. They have obviously had several hits bigger than any of the songs on this album, but the overall album is so cohesive and perfectly executed. Every song’s sound fits perfectly into the style of the whole album. My biggest complaint about Pinegrove, and the reason I disliked them for so long, is because they have such a country (It is fair to say folk) sound. I grew up in East Texas where country music is king, and I always hated it with a passion. This is the album where they leaned the most heavily into the country sound. The melodies have a slight twang and the harmonies are obviously country inspired. The reason I chose this album is because they were able to take elements of music that I hate and make me love it. So Good! 8.5/10
   
9. Gleemer - Down Through This is the most recent album to make the top 10 list. This band is also fairly unknown. I actually did not discover them until maybe a month ago. It may be fair to say that my introduction to this album is too fresh to make it on this list, but It is simply that good. The first time I heard it I knew it would be one of my favorites. It has that dreamy aspect that made Peripheral Vision such a huge hit. I dream of the day that every emo band realizes that a strong chorus effect and intense reverbs are their friend. It is a bit heavier than PV, not by much. The lyrics are very poetic and leave the meaning a bit up to interpretation but they are dark and without a doubt emo. The choruses are catchy, but they do not quite have the sing along factor of PV. Dreamy Emo/Shoegaze for the win! 8/10
   
10. Foxing - The Albatross I actually saw Foxing open up for Tigers Jaw back in 2017, before I had ever heard their recorded music. I really enjoyed it. They slap live. A few months after the concert I was playing random emo music in the cafe and the song “the Medic” came on. I was jamming to it and in the middle of the song I realized, “Holy shit, I saw these guys live”. This is another album that has a crazy 5 song stretch. The first 5 songs are on another level. 9.5/10. “Pent Up In A Blind” is a short interlude instrumental but it perfectly bridges “The Medic” and “Rory” which are undeniably the best two songs on the album. It is dark and depressing, but their musicality is something I have never heard from an emo band. The sound on this album is very unique in the genre. They use a trumpet (which is sick live) and the guitars have a slight midwest emo style, with the sweeping guitar parts on some of the songs, but the tone is unlike what you would hear in midwest emo. The rest of the album is solid, but very instrumental heavy which is the only reason the overall album was dropped down to a 8/10
    

Honorable Mention:

1. Secondhand Serenade - Awake In my mind this is the second best acoustic emo album out there. It is much more polished and poppy than anything else that made the actual top 10. The vocals utilize some fairly significant pitch correction, which becomes obvious when you hear the songs live. He uses pitch correction, but it feels more like an effect than it does about fixing vocal imperfections. The vocals needed to be that perfect to fit the style of the music. Secondhand Serenade used amazingly written harmonies to add depth and dynamics to the music. SS utilizes some unique tunings and chords in his music. I learned so much about playing the acoustic guitar from this album. Just like City and Colour I never considered SS an emo band until around 2015. That’s when I looked past the beautiful music and took a deeper look into the lyrics and realized, “Damn, this guy was going through some shit.” I always considered it a love album, as there are some beautiful love songs, but if you look deeper you will see that they are all about trying to fix messed up relationships. Not exactly as happy as the songs sound.
   
2. For When You Can’t Breathe - A Home That Doesn’t Exist This album was just released this year, by an artist that released their first song in 2022. They are almost completely unknown with less than 36,000 monthly listeners on Spotify (most of those have come in the last few months). The newness of the artist does not detract from the perfection of this album. It has dreamy guitar tones, especially on the verses. The choruses have a strong pop punk feel. The vocals feature both super clean poppy melodies, and yelling and screaming. It kind of feels like a mix of Secondhand Serenade’s clean vocals, Peripheral Vision’s guitar tones, Mayday Parade’s choruses, and the raw vocals of Hotelier. Seriously a cool mix of music and styles. It is everything my 17 year old scene self hoped emo music would be in 15 years.
   

*edited to fix album title

I'm talking about the Kristi Noem dog killing incident. Can Democratic politicians just chant things like "Puppy Killer Kristi," or "Where's Cricket?" when they are running against her, just like how Trump used Crooked Hillary, Lying Ted, and Sleepy Joe?

I am an English speaker trying to learn other languages, but the app has language translation errors.
There aren't many but there are enough to be very frustrating.
For example it keeps trying to translate midday to "noon". Which is just not used by English speakers. Ever. Maybe people in America? But even then probably just people from Texas when they are scheduling their gun duels or whatever Americans do.
Idk if this is a bug? It translates midnight just fine, and not to "moony noony" or whatever, so I'm not sure what's happening here.
Another example is that it translates words from English unnecessarily, into nonsense terms. For example café (which is a loanword like en suite or bidet) keeps getting changed into "coffee shop". That's not a thing. If such a thing existed it would be where you go to browse for different coffee beans to take home. That's not a cafe.
A somewhat specific issue is it translates "all good" from German into "take care". Why? That's not what it's saying and who the fuck is saying "take care" to others? What a patronising thing to say.
Often it favours painfully inaccurate and wrong translations when literal ones are perfect.
Another German example "alles es in Ordnung" (all is in order, a common enough phrase) translates to "everything is OK" or something stupid.
It also keeps translating movie to film and film to movie.... Like... If both languages use both words for the same thing.... Just keep them as movie=movie and film=film...
Is there a setting to change or is this a bug? It feels like the English side of this app was composed by someone who SAID they were fluent in English but were lying.
I tried submitting a shorter form of the above as a bug report, but ironically the bug report feature on duolingo is bugged and will not submit.

I’ve shared my story on how I started, ran for 10 years, and remotely sold my 3dp business HERE.
Now I would like to speculate on How I would start it if I had to do it again. Why? 2 reasons:

1. When it was time to sell, I discovered, that the most valuable assets of my business were NOT the printers or production base and that I could've significantly grown and therefore increased business value if I did certain things a certain way.

Knowing that and other things - I would've tried to do "the right things" from the beginning, and I hope it would help those who are thinking about or starting it right now.
I concentrate on the business side since the 3dp business is first of all a business, and I go through with it as I would’ve done it (not just some average avatar model).
This article doesn’t cover everything and simplifies some parts, but I tried to make it as real and in-depth as possible since the devil is in the details.

1. I am starting new business projects right now, and the path I am taking is almost the same (minus printers basically) path;

Vision

First I need to ask myself: what kind of 3dp business would I like to start? It may be hard to answer right at the start, but I do know 4 things:

1. I want it to be service-based (at least in the beginning, then I may consider a hybrid: service+product model);
2. I want it to be B2B (higher check, less transactional costs);
3. I want to gravitate towards big/complicated models;
4. I will offer some post-processing (get hand dirty, mot many others willing to do that);

Here I may also need to identify, who my target audience is. But It is hard, and may sometimes be harmful in the beginning, so I will stick with 4 general assumptions listed above, and see where keywords lead me.
But I will revisit this very important question (let's call it a “vision”) as soon as I have a meaningful chunk of data and experience.

Research

Then I will conduct research.
For that, I need to pick a place (3dp business is place-bound to a certain degree). Let's say a city - Austin - TX.
Note here - the bigger city, the better.
Now I need 3 lists:

1. First is a List of keywords with average monthly searches and cost of clicks for different areas:
   
   1. Austin;
   2. Other big cities nearby;
   3. State of Texas;
   4. Nearby states;
   5. The whole of the US.

One tab for each. You can pick as many areas as you see fit, and the logic behind it is that you want to know the demand in places you may be able to serve.
I need general high-frequency keywords as well as Google suggestions and low-frequency keywords. The broader the scope, the better. There is a free tool called Keyword Planner (it also provides a click cost estimation for Google ads) inside a Google Ads account. If you don’t use Google ads, you can pick any keyword search tool out there.
Now I need to sort it, vet out unneeded ones, and separate them into groups based on intent (informational or commercial). I will also create a list of “minus” words (will use them later).
When it is all done, I need to assemble a “core”: a few groups of keywords united by intention.
If I don’t use keys/groups for commercial purposes, I may use them for info articles (SEO). The most visited (by a long shot) page on the site, which I sold as a part of the business was “The History of 3d printing”.
📜 Research should also include many other “places”, basically one should identify where potential customers hang out, what they need (their problems), and how one can reach them, and as a result will have some potential acquisition channels, and a list of “problems” to form an offer with.
I will only cover the fastest and the one I know best - Google ads (+ a bit of SEO for the long game). This channel corresponds rather well, with my understanding, of where my “target audience” may be (more on that below).

1. Second is a List of competitors. I will only need ones’ that will compete with me for my target demographic. Specifically, I would like to know:
   
   1. Domain name;
   2. Their offer (range of services, materials, unique propositions);
   3. Their main (and all significant pages) Title, H1, description, “subtitle”, unique selling propositions, and maybe a screenshot of HERO;
   4. Their CTAs (calls to action - do they use online calculators, contact form…).

The list can go on, but those are the most important (probably), the logic behind it - I want to know what has been offered so far, compare it to the demand from list 1, and identify where I can “squeeze in”.

1. Third list - competitor’s prices. Based on my initial ”vision” (what/for whom I will try to do) I prepare a couple of inquiries, which I send to competitors to quote.

I would like to know:

• Price;
• Fulfillment time;
• Conditions;
• How competitors interact with prospects.

Inquiries may be:

1. A somewhat complicated “technical” model of a middle size;
2. Small-to-mid batch of parts (up to 100-300);
3. A somewhat big (that will probably require printing in parts and assembly) model + separately I would inquire about painting;

As a result, I understand how I may price my services. I prefer to start somewhere in the lower middle of a price range and slowly go up.
I know what I won't do - I won't try to go for the cheapest price - it is a road to nowhere. I may go for it once or twice to snatch an order, which will be beneficial to my portfolio, but that is it!
Now I also understand how my competitors interact with their customers and what I can offer in this regard.

Plan

With that data gathered I am now ready to compose a “business plan” /set up business goals for 1-3 years, and lay out a tactical (more detailed) plan for a quarter or so.
Usually, the latter shall be detailed like: I need to reach X revenue/per day, to get Y rev per month, and for that, I will need Z inquiries and so on... But as I am just starting, it may not make a lot of sense, since there are no "base" numbers. But I will use that type of planning as soon as I have those numbers (after 6-12 months).
I also will align the plan with my vision, and maybe add some details to it, based on the data I’ve gathered.
I will have a somewhat united note/doc with actionable tasks, equipped with due dates (those are very important), and an overall plan.
I like to unify all of the above (lists, vision, tasks…) as a project in a project management software (later about that). Much easier to manage and keep track of.

Offer and Site creation

Now I can form my offer.
This offer will be presented on my site, in my ads, and everywhere else.
I need to describe CLEARLY what do I do exactly, for whom, and why those people should take their business to me (competitive advantages).
I pick a name, and domain name and make a logo. I keep in mind that they are a part of the offer (everything is), and I keep them as short, direct, and close to the point as possible. I squeeze a relevant keyword in if I can.
Before I decide I type the name into the search and see what pops up (don’t skip that part).
Now I can make a site. I pick one of the No-code options to create it myself or delegate it. Keep in mind that you will need to correct and change the site: an offer (text. headings), portfolio, blog (for SEO purposes), services, etc. The no-code solution will allow you to do that yourself.
It will be a landing page (in the beginning), and it will include:

• Title (shown as a first string in search);
• Description (shown as a second string in the search);

HERO SECTION (first screen basically - 80% of people won’t go below it)

• H1 (main “title” shown on the top of the page)
• Subtitle (text below the H1, usually supports the H1 and includes unique selling points);
• Clear CTA (Call to action);
• Foto or video of what I’ve done (the visual representation of services works really well);
• Unique selling points (not included in the subtitle, or supporting/elaborating on them);

END OF THE HERO SECTION

• Unique selling points;
• All other headers;
• All other text;
• Examples (what I’ve done) and/or testimonials - if I truly just starting I may need to make some examples of objects I would like to make (as close to desired nich as possible) and take GOOD photos of them (It can be powerful, that is what I did and people told me many times, that they “came” because of “beautiful” thing that we’ve done (“beautiful” is mostly attribute off a picture, then a thing);
• FAQ (those shall be questions that your customers ask you the most, I mean REAL questions - they work rather well as objection handlers);
• Clear CTA (Call to action);

As there is just one page, it should target the most relevant oand big commercial keyword group.
The “art” of creating a Title, H1, and the rest of the text, headings, and attributes is a delicate dance between the need to be different from competitors, the need to incorporate the right keywords, basic SEO guidelines, and most importantly - to present a compelling offer.
📜 An important thing to keep in mind - your first screen should tell, straight and clearly - what services you provide, for whom, and why a visitor should click your CTA, or continue reading.
Last thing - make sure that it looks fine and loads quickly on mobile. More than half of the traffic will be from there.
Research says, that If it loads more than 3 seconds - more than 70% of people bounce.
Check your speed here - https://pagespeed.web.dev/
There is A LOT more to that, but it is beyond the scope of this article.

Traffic: Ads and SEO

Now I need traffic:
Google ads. As I just starting, I need to be as targeted as possible. So I will:

• Vet keywords carefully, avoid high-frequency ones, and compose them into groups.
• Start with one or two groups, with a limited number of keywords with clear commercial intent.
• Limit the location to the city I am in.
• Add a minus keywords list. If a search query includes one of the words from the list (like FREE, or CHEAP) - ads won't be shown.

Google pushes everyone really hard to use responsive search ads + broad match + AI-suggested keywords (performance MAX they call it), but I won't.
Why?

1. It will greatly disperse the focus, and therefore results of my campaign.
2. It is still not working properly, especially for small and/or “complicated” niches. In other words, it will waste my money, (relocate it to Google), without bringing back results (or at least as many).

And I don't want that.
I will use exact match, fix (pin) headings and descriptions, and practically make "an old school" text ad from a responsive search ad. I will have to do different ads for different keywords (if the keyword or phrase is matched in the title, conversion is higher); Yes, it will be more work, but results will be better, and controllable.
Just how I like them.
Now I will compose my "SEO plan", I will:

• Plan to add new "commercial" pages to the site (one page per meaningful keyword group) as I go.
• Create a schedule: after the main page is up, I will try to “deploy” them in 2-4 week intervals, starting with the most meaningful/impactful.
• Make Google index it through its search console after the first publishable version of the site is done. I will repeat the operation with every meaningful page I add, including info SEO pages (below).
• Form a few groups from keywords with informational intent, vet groups that align with my direction, and plan an article for each vetted group - a separate page on the site with a personal set of SEO attributes.
• Publish them with the same or longer intervals as for the "commercial" pages.
• Try to make those articles as valuable for the reader as possible. Everything I do shall be client-oriented (bring value), and user behavior is more and more important for SEO.

This “article” is an example of such a page.
I won't cover social media here, since its plenty of info on that topic.
From my experience, if I plan (and I do) to offer 3d printing services to businesses (B2B), social media (with the exception of LinkedIn maybe, not sure nowadays what is what) is not exactly a place for “fishing” (I might be wrong).

Legal+

Moving along to the legal land.
I will not go deep into the business structure (LLCs or sole proprietorships), just say that you need one. Figure out what works best in your case, but note: if you are planning (envisioning) to sell your business one day (or a part of it) - you will need it to be at least an LLC.
This structure (as stated in the name), also limits your liability, which is not a bad thing. One more thing that does that, and at times viewed as a formality - is a contract.
I’ve learned to appreciate contracts and pay attention to their "design". The contract sets expectations, protects both you and your client, and serves as an extension to your offer - a clear, correct, and honest contract, that picks up on promises you’ve made will reassure your client that you are a trustworthy professional.
Create a clear, correct contract template (or templates), seek professional help/advice if needed, and try not to overcomplicate it (easier-smaller the better).
📜 Before the contract, expectations are set during all interactions with a client: nuances, limitations, examples, samples, etc. As the number of interactions with clients starts to grow you will notice repetitive patterns in questions and answers. Create a base with answer templates - those saved me a ton of time and improved the quality of my communication.

3d printers and a space (finally here they are)

Well, and yeah, I need 3d printers to start a 3d printing business.
If you plan to start such a business, you may already have some, and/or possess the needed knowledge in the matter, but I still going to say a few things. No specific models, or vendors though, since there is a lot of printer-related content out there, and the scene is rapidly (wink) changing.
I would try to pick one type of printer (or at least a vendor) and stick to it. Benefits:

• Somewhat stable overall quality;
• Same spare parts;
• Same repair and maintenance routine;
• Same working protocols;
• Same slicing…

I also will (at least in the beginning) look for stable machines, that would not require a ton of maintenance.
Note here: your choice shall also be based on your perceived goal (niche you want to end up with/customers you want to serve), and you may need different types of printers for that.
Depending on my situation, I may not need an office/working space right from the start (at least not until the idea has been validated). If I do, I would get something with a space to grow (aligned with my plan/goals), but I would try not to jump over my head with it.

One software to control it all

There is one more thing that I will need right from the start (because I don’t want to replicate my own mistakes) - a software suite to manage the business. Getting it from the start will provide the most leverage and set me up on the right path.
I will need:

• CRM - all work with a client: pricing, offers, deals, followups, deadlines, docs… +
• ERP - control and management of all resources: materials, printers, team… +
• Production scheduling +
• Maintenance, Repairs, Spare parts, and materials control +
• Team + Docs + Files storage + Contractors + Spending + everything else.

I couldn't find one that incorporates all of it, so I’ve made my own (there is a Free version, try it out, let me know what you think).
Management software and CRM might not be obvious must-haves, but they are if I want to make it into a controllable and growing business (and I do).
There is no other way, look at any business that made it - they all without exception use such systems.
One more thing - all business decisions shall be based on data: how would I know, for example, if my ads campaign is making (and how much) or losing money, without knowing what my average check, margin, or LTV is for any type of service for a needed time period?

Summary and Q&A

There is a lot more to that, but it is already too long.
So I’ve got:

1. List of keywords;
2. List of competitors;
3. Price research (and base price level as a result);
4. A plan;
5. An offer;
6. Name and logo;
7. Website (with offer and good photos of done jobs on it);
8. Google ads campaign (or other acquisition channel, start from one you know best/where your customers are);
9. SEO plan;
10. Legal entity;
11. Contract templates;
12. “Sales templates” base (those collected on the go, but you may already have something since you talked to people before);
13. Printers;
14. Some physical space;
15. Management system/software (like this one)

3 BONUS reminders for myself:

• To get paid in advance. ALWAYS, at least partially;
• To do extra for customers. If I can, when I can;
• To be patient- business is a marathon, not a sprint;

Some Q&A:

• Is the 3d printing business a good business to start?

It is not a get-rich-quick scheme, and it is not particularly easy, but all things that are worth doing are hard (that is what they say).
If you like it/are passionate about it/good at it (the most important factor in my opinion.) - it certainly might be.
I’ve planned to go with the B2B service model (on-demand manufacturing), and that trend will only grow over time.
Since we talked about the US, let's take a look at this article and specifically the chart of Construction spending on US manufacturing https://www.businessinsider.com/us-building-factories-census-data-chips-act-inflation-reduction-act-2023-6?op=1 + big new “infrastructure rebuild projects” might be somewhere around the corner.
What does it all have to do with a small 3dp service? The economy is an interconnected system. All of those “big projects” will require a lot of smaller contractors/suppliers, and they will need smaller ones…and that is where I come in.

• Why the service model?

2 reasons:

1. I know how to do it (done it for 10 years), the data above backs the idea up, and I still see a lot of upsides and opportunities there (aside from the data).
2. It is a lot easier to “search” for product ideas - they come to you (for that you will have to have a B2C “department” though). I’ve recently talked to a few 3dp business owners (and read a few stories over the years), and almost all of them had their product ideas brought to them by clients.

• Is it profitable?

If you create a system (management software can help with that) with processes in place, create and maintain customer acquisition channels, and price correctly - it will be.
I hope you got some value out of it.
Thanks for reading.

In Triplicate #8 - The Beths - Future Me Hates Me / Jump Rope Gazers / Expert In A Dying Field (2018 - 2022)
While a large discography is not necessarily the indication of a great band or artist finding a musician who can release three watershed albums, either outputting high quality work or exploring similar themes and motifs within them is to me nothing short of an amazing feat. It’s an achievement that is worth taking a deep dive to dissect, contrast and compare different works during a time of seeming creative wellspring. “In Triplicate” will be a bi-weekly spotlight on what I feel are artist at their peak by releasing three killer albums in a row chronologically and making observations on the world of music, their creative mindset and how these albums interlink, or pull apart, from each other.
Listen
Future Me Hates Me – Bandcamp - Apple Music – Spotify
Jump Rope Gazers – Bandcamp - Apple Music – Spotify
Expert in a Dying Field – Bandcamp - Apple Music - Spotify
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Guest Review by u/MCK_OH
Sometimes a band is just really fucking good. We all love a band that has a stake in The Narrative, but sometimes a great band is more self-contained. They aren’t great because they tell us something about how the world works, they’re great because they make great songs. On an unrelated note, meet indieheads favorite The Beths. The New Zealand based four-piece formed in 2014 and has since released 3 studio records: 2018’s Future Me Hates Me, 2020’s Jump Rope Gazers and 2022’s Expert In a Dying Field. All three of these records rule. These records do not contain much experimentation. They do not contain a shocking amount of growth. They do not contain messages that will change the way you view the world. They do not contain songs that changed The Narrative. What they do contain is 32 perfect or near-perfect songs, countless brilliant hooks, clever turns of phrase, fun harmonies and cool riffs. And while these records probably don’t contribute to The Narrative they do have A Narrative. I promise I’m not making this up. Let’s view the three Beths records not as three records but instead as one triple LP concept record. Future Jump Rope Experts Hate Me. A power pop Tommy except without all the parts of Tommy that kind of suck. Sadly there’s no “Pinball Wizard” either but you can’t have everything.
Act I: Wondering If You Feel The Same
What does it mean that Future Me Hates Me is so beloved in this subreddit? When we redid our essentials last summer, this record was one of the 40 named to the 2010s essentials. It’s not seen that way, I think. Fellow online music nerds don’t even agree! I think it means that we are a broadly anxious bunch because this is an exceedingly anxious record. Or maybe it just means that Future Me Hates Me is a perfect batch of indie rock tunes for the indie rock subreddit. A bit of both maybe.
Future Me Hates Me is probably the tightest Beths record. It’s the shortest (by 14 seconds, but still) and maintains an up-tempo pace more than the other two. It’s a record whose entire tracklist probably could be singles. Or, as proven by a series of Fortnite YouTubers, a record whose entire tracklist could be background music for your Fortnite highlights video. I’m not kidding! Look it up, there’s a distinctly strange amount of these and they all rule. Opener “Great No One” reveals what the record will be about pretty quickly. Immediately catchy, harmony-laden indie rock. That’s it, that’s the bag of tricks. Sometimes it’ll be slow for a bit - “Less Than Thou,” “River Run” - but mostly, it’s this. And that’s good because this is fantastic. There is no type of music in the world I like more than hooky indie rock. And no one does it better. Every song has something truly special about it. “Great No One” has those layered “Yeah”s on the chorus, “Future Me Hates Me” has the little guitar thing over the riff in the intro and after the first chorus, “Uptown Girl” has the name of a much worse Billy Joel Song, “You Wouldn’t Like Me” gets quiet and then loud (genius maneuver), “Not Running” has its ridiculous forward momentum from the drums, “Little Death” has the brilliant final chorus, “Happy Unhappy” has the way frontwoman Liz Stokes sings the word particularly, “River Run” also gets quiet and then loud (still genius), “Whatever” has the super fun guitar solo and “Less Than Thou” has the entire like 45 seconds when the band comes back in on vocals. It’s a perfect indie pop album. Every song is brilliant. The only records that I think I can fairly compare it to are If You’re Feeling Sinister and Alvvays in terms of indie pop perfection. Just 10 brilliant songs.
Oh yeah, the narrative. This is the first act of 3 in the conceptual masterpiece Future Jump Rope Experts Hate Me. It’s a simple narrative. Our narrator falls in love despite her knowledge that it will probably end badly, it works for a bit and then it falls apart. Our narrator is anxious pretty much the entire time. Simple, but effective storytelling.
Future Me Hates Me is about the first part of that process. Our narrator tries, and ultimately fails to convince herself that she doesn’t have a crush. The evidence to the contrary is simply overwhelming. She may believe that love’s no good idea (at all!) but on “Happy Unhappy” her every moment is haunted by wondering if he feels the same. She can’t even remember to take out the bins! On “Little Death” her body begins to fail her, dying the titular little death every time he comes near. Even then though, she maintains that “I’ll never tell, you’ll never guess.” On “You Wouldn’t Like Me,” she even admits that it “feels so much like being in love,” all the while worrying that she’s too unlikeable for it to work out. But on “Future Me Hates Me,” she comes around: she wants to risk going through future heartbreak. Future her may hate her but there’s nothing she can really do about it. And in the best song on the record, “Not Running,” she confirms that she’s not running away. It’s almost a response to the previous song, “You Wouldn’t Like Me.” It’s finally a song of trust - tell the truth. I won’t run away.. It’s okay to tell the truth. She was wondering if he feels the same and it looks like he does. Enough dying little deaths, worrying about future me. It’s time to meet the Jump Rope Gazers.
Act II: I Wanna Give It My Best Try
There’s a tendency, I think, to say that Jump Rope Gazers is the weakest Beths record. It has the weakest reviews, it has the fewest shooters among us non-critics, it is broadly just not quite as beloved as the other two. A classic sophomore slump. But I think that Jump Rope Gazers is, at the very worst, only like a quarter-step behind the other two Beths records. It would be like calling Ichiro’s 2002 season a sophomore slump. Yes, it was a step down from his rookie year and he would go on to have even better seasons but the dude still hit .321, stole 30 bases and made the all-star team. And yes, Jump Rope Gazers is a slight decline from Future Me Hates Me but it still has “Just Shy of Sure” and “Jump Rope Gazers” on it, which is the indie rock equivalent of hitting at least .321.
What sets Jump Rope Gazers apart from Future Me Hates Me the most at first is that it’s slower. Future Me Hates Me takes until the 8th song to slow down even for a minute, while Jump Rope Gazers slows down by track 3. It will slow down again at track 5 and track 9. These songs tend to be slightly weaker, though the title track is an exception. But there are still absolutely bangers on here. Opener “I’m Not Getting Excited” has a slightly gnarlier guitar sound than anything on Future Me Hates Me. Side 2 opener “Out of Sight” moves forward with the same momentum and pace that drives the best of Future Me Hates Me. “Mars, The God of War” does a little quiet/loud thing which is always welcome. While I can attempt to sort these songs into piles (“the slow ones,” “the bangers” etc) I think at the end of the day this is just another batch of excellent Beths tunes. “Dying to Believe” is a brilliant pop song that pulls out pretty much every trick in the book. I’m sort of in awe of it. It has sick harmonies! A bass solo! It has a part where the guitars are gone and then they come back! It’s another song about nervously waiting for the world to crash down around you but it sounds like a ton of fun. It has a super fun music video, the best they’ve ever made. It’s a ridiculous pop song that pulls out every trick without feeling overstuffed. “Acrid” has this faraway backing vocal at 3:33 that always makes my day. “Don’t Go Away” is like half chorus, and it’s a good choice because the chorus rocks. It’s a trick they’ll use again, to even better use on “Knees Deep” later, on Expert In A Dying Field. And the slow songs do still work. The chorus of “Do You Want Me Now” is absolute gold. One of their best. While “You Are a Beam of Light” is probably the weakest song between all three records, it’s still fun. The final chorus with the full band harmony is excellent. The best of the album’s slower cuts is “Jump Rope Gazers.” “Jump Rope Gazers” was the first Beths song that I loved. It has what is still probably the best set of opening lines of the decade with “I’ve never been the dramatic type / But if I don’t see your face tonight / I, I guess I’ll be fine.” Incredible, every time. The guitars sound really nice. The chorus sounds really nice. The melody is really nice. This whole song is just really fucking nice. It might be the one song from this band that makes you go “I’d want to live in the feeling of this song forever.” It’s the song that got me to fall in love with The Beths, and for that it will always be one of my favorites. But it’s not quite as good as the closer “Just Shy of Sure,” the best song on the record. It’s a high bar, but I think this one might have the best chorus melody of the Beths career to date. It feels like it has the same forward momentum of an “Out of Sight” while still having the more laid-back warmth of a “Jump Rope Gazers.” One of their perfect songs. One of the best songs of the decade. At the end of the day, what Jump Rope Gazers sacrifices in terms of bangers I think it mostly makes up for with a slightly more varied palette that mostly works wonders. It’s still a batch of Beths songs, which is among the highest compliments I’m willing to give anything.
Folks, meet the Jump Rope Gazers. The Jump Rope Gazers of course, are our narrator and the object of her affection. It would seem that our narrator has finally won the day. She is in love, willing to admit it and it seems like he is too. Of course, this has not stopped the worrying. On “I’m Not Getting Excited” she keeps her grip on joy loose, bracing for the potential for everything to fall down around her. On “Dying to Believe,” she’s willing to hope that everything won’t fall down around her but she also spends the song apologizing. She struggles with communication, with trust in herself and in her partner. There are true, earnest moments of joy on Jump Rope Gazers. The title track is a love song with no reservations. She wonders how this could have happened, despite all the worrying from Future Me Hates Me. She offers that she’s willing to give it her best try. The rest of the record tugs back and forth in either direction. You don’t get a sense listening to it whether it will work out long-term or not. While there are songs like “Jump Rope Gazers,” there’s also songs like “Do You Want Me Now” or “Don’t Go Away.” “Do You Want Me Now” indicates that communication here is often difficult. And anytime you need to say “don’t go away” 24 times in one song, it seems like things might not be going perfectly. The penultimate “You Are a Beam of Light” details a stilted phone call with tears involved but our narrator is willing to “meet outside in five.” Maybe they can work through this. Let’s return to the closer “Just Shy of Sure” and its brilliant chorus. What are the actual words in it?
“Oh, my head is aching
But if I keep very still
I might be able
To make this work until
The end of the weekend
Weak, but I’ll pretend
That you still want me
I’m the one you adore
But I’m just shy of sure”
More worrying! Not great probably. Sounds like it’s maybe not the sturdiest relationship in the world. Still, I hope they can make this work. That they can get around the insecurities, the doubts, the communication. Pull it together. Give us a happy ending. What’s the first lyric of the next album, as a sneak peak of where the jump rope gazers are headed?
“Can we erase our history?”
Ah, shit.
Act III: Staring Into Nothing (Or, I Hate Past Me)
If we continue to operate under the assumption that The Beths are the Ichiro Suzuki of indie rock (and we should, to clarify) then I think Expert In A Dying Field might be their equivalent of his dazzling 2004 campaign. After all, just like Ichiro in ‘04 this has a staggering amount of hits. Even more than the already staggering amount of hits from their previous efforts! It helps that, unlike the 10 songs of their previous records this has 12 songs. They manage to more than keep up the quality. While this is their longest and lengthiest record, it’s hardly The White Album. Lead single “Silence Is Golden” is a bit louder than usual, “I Want To Listen” is a bit quieter and “2am” is a slow, sad closer but really this is another batch of Beths tunes. Which, again, hell yeah. Can never have enough Beths tunes going around. Let’s all hang out and watch The Beths do the indie rock equivalent of hitting .372 and breaking the single season hit record.
The opener and title track, “Expert In A Dying Field” is the best song The Beths have ever made. The lyrics are as sharp and clever as they’ve ever been, the hook is gold and the song just keeps building momentum, and building momentum, and building momentum. What starts off as an understated pop tune has turned anthemic in less than four minutes. The backing vocals are fantastic, the guitar sound is great. It’s a song that could make you dance or cry. It’s the perfect Beths song. That last minute is unstoppable. I’ve gotten goosebumps listening to it more times than I can count. “Knees Deep” rocks. It’s like 65% chorus which is fine because it’s one of the best choruses the band has ever put down. It makes sense to keep hammering the chorus button if you’ve landed on something this good. No problems here. Speaking of great choruses, this record is just chock full of ‘em. The chorus on “Best Left” wasn’t my favorite initially but I’ve really come around on it. It’s really fun to sing along to. Important quality. “Change In The Weather,” written by guitarist Jonathan Pearce proves that there’s somehow more than one band member capable of writing brilliant Beths tunes. “Head In The Clouds” and “A Passing Rain” are Beths songs. Which, hell yeah as per usual. At this point it’s almost unremarkable how this band just churns out great indie pop tunes. Unusually happy “When You Know You Know” is heavier on acoustic guitars, providing a minor change on The Beths formula. It works wonders. The heavier “Silence Is Golden” similarly tweaks the formula, providing the perfect musical backdrop for Liz Stokes’ agitated vocal performance. It’s the song that probably best captures the feeling of loud construction being done beside your home. “I Want To Listen” is also a bit of a tweak on The Beths formula. It’s a jaunty little pop tune that reminds me of similar moments in the Rilo Kiley catalog. It is unsurprisingly great. “I Told You That I Was Afraid” returns to both the anxiety and the continuous forward momentum of Future Me Hates Me and does so exceedingly well. It rocks. It’s also an exceedingly tight song, the band seems to be moving as one on this one. “Your Side” is probably my second favorite song on the record, a melancholy post-breakup tune. It’s another one with a practically perfect chorus. Oh and the guitar sound is great. Especially the guitar after Stokes sings the “oo-oo” part after the chorus. That’s what music should be right there. Closer “2am” is a classic Sad, Slower Closing Song. Y’know like “My Hometown” or “Dublin City Sky” or “Gospel” or “Butterfly.” I’m broadly suspicious of this specific type of song. Slowing it down means you lose something in energy and just generally rocking (rocking, always a good thing!) so you’ve gotta make up for it somehow. And “2am” does. This type of song works when the lyrics pick up the slack, when the slow and spareness of the song makes you focus on the lyrics, and when the emotion in the lyrics complements the pace and atmosphere of the song. When the song is sad enough that mustering energy for it seems like it’s beyond the point. “2am” is a song like that. And to be fair to “2am” it does build towards the end. After an album of playing chicken with finally saying goodbye, “2am” finally does it.
So we reach the end of the road for the jump rope gazers. We were with them through the anxious crush stage, the even more anxious early relationship stage and now it’s time to say goodbye. “Expert In A Dying Field” laments all the time and knowledge now gone to waste. While on Jump Rope Gazer’s “You Are a Beam of Light” the late night phone call was stilted and sad at least there was a late night phone call, but on “Head In The Clouds” our narrator has no one to listen to her at night. The nervous self-doubt that’s shown up again and again re-appears at the worst times on songs like “A Passing Rain” and “I Told You That I Was Afraid.” Our narrator remains torn; on “Your Side” she wants nothing more than a dramatic, tearful apology, a romantic gesture, a chance that maybe they can get back together. Maybe it’s not over, or at least not over forever. But on “Best Left” she indicates that some things are best left to rot. Some things need to be put behind, and forgotten. One of the constants in these three records is that sense of uncertainty. On Future Me Hates Me, our narrator indicates that she’ll never reveal her emotions on one song while indicating she has to on another. On Jump Rope Gazers she’ll declare her love on one song, hoping it’s going to work out while indicating that she has no serious belief that it will in others. Finally, on Expert In A Dying Field she’s unsure if the best way forward is to keep looking back or to try to move forward. One way or another the story of the jump rope gazers is over though. On “2am” we finally hear how it all fell apart. We hear about the good times, but we also hear about the communication breakdown. We hear our narrator reminiscing about when it finally fell apart:
“There was news I was nervous to tell you
Through the filter softening the words we said
Were you mad? Tell the truth, I can take it
I could hear the engine as you drove away
Through the blinds, saw the glow of the light fade”
And that’s where we leave it. She asks one more time if he still feels it, but it seems there’s no response. This is it. To some degree, she was right; she probably does hate past her.
Outro: The End of the Weekend
The Beths, great band. If you’ve somehow read this far without having heard them go listen to them. I’d listen to them in chronological order but really you can’t go wrong. I admit I had to stretch the concept a bit, leave some stuff out of the narrative and all that. But I think that puts it more and not less in line with most concept records. In truth, I think these three records do work as a loose narrative if you want to view them that way, which I sometimes do. If you don’t then you can choose to view them as three of the best indie pop records of the past decade. That works too. Either way it’s a run for the ages.
As a music nerd I am naturally list-obsessed (sometimes I worry I’m getting too close to the High Fidelity guys) so here’s a bunch of Beths lists I assembled while I was writing this.
List 1: The Perfect Beths Songs
1. “Not Running”
2. “Little Death”
3. “Less Than Thou”
4. “Jump Rope Gazers”
5. “Out of Sight”
6. “Just Shy of Sure”
7. “Expert In A Dying Field”
8. “Knees Deep”
9. “Your Side”
10. “I Told You That I Was Afraid”
11. “Idea/Intent”
List 2: The Near Perfect Beths Songs
1. All the rest
List 3: The Abridged Tracklist to Future Jump Rope Experts Hate Me. Or, the songs that I think tell the narrative I’m trying to sell the best.
1. “Little Death”
2. “Future Me Hates Me”
3. “You Wouldn’t Like Me”
4. “Not Running”
5. “I’m Not Getting Excited”
6. “Dying to Believe”
7. “Jump Rope Gazers”
8. “Just Shy of Sure”
9. “Expert In A Dying Field”
10. “Your Side”
11. “Best Left”
12. “2am”
List 4: The Top 10 Beths Music Videos
1. “Dying to Believe”
2. “Knees Deep”
3. “Expert In A Dying Field”
4. “Future Me Hates Me”
5. “Your Side”
6. “Jump Rope Gazers”
7. “Uptown Girl”
8. “I’m Not Getting Excited”
9. “Little Death”
10. “Happy Unhappy”
List 5: 10 Actors Who Could Have Been That Actor In That One Particular Film
1. Jackie Chan
2. Jeremy Renner
3. Rebecca Ferguson
4. Dominic Monaghan
5. Owen Wilson
6. Charlize Theron
7. Matt Damon
8. Julia Roberts
9. Paul Giamatti
10. Viola Davis
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(Tentative) Schedule
May 27 - U2 - War / The Unforgettable Fire / The Joshua Tree
June 10 - R.E.M. Part 1 - Murmur / Reckoning / Fables of Reconstruction (Guest Entry u/p-u-n-k_girl)
June 24 - R.E.M. Part 2 - Out of Time / Automatic for the People / Monster
July 8 - Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend / Contra / Modern Vampires of the City
-----
Archive

​

DAY: DAY: MAY 11, 2024

• 5-11-2024WHY DANCING IN SYNC BRINGS US CLOSER TOGETHER Silent discos started back in the 1970s as a convenient way to get around noise restrictions. In those days that meant everyone bringing their own music loaded onto a Walkman. Later, DJs would set up their own radio channels to allow everyone to listen to the same playlist. These events gained popularity in the early 2000s, when music festivals began to host silent gigs with lots of artists streaming on different channels. At a regular disco or nightclub, everybody experiences dancing together in time to the same music.
• 5-11-2024HOW DO EMOTIONS HELP CONSTRUCT OUR CULTURAL IDENTITY IN MUSIC FESTIVALS? 2022 was a record year for music festivals in Spain, hitting historic highs just two years after the entire country was locked down due to the pandemic. Spain boasts close to a thousand music festivals and a live music industry that earned 459 million euros in ticket revenue alone in 2022. This is almost 200% more than the previous year,
• 5-11-2024WHY DO METAPHORS OF SPACE HELP US UNDERSTAND TIME? Space-time projections, ego-moving perspective. Expressions linking space to time are a common part of our day to day lives. You might say the morning “flew by,” or that school exams are “fast approaching.” Right now, you might say summer is “just around the corner,” while anyone with the vaguest awareness of Game of Thrones will have heard the phrase “winter is coming.”
• 5-11-2024THERE ARE NO GOOD OR BAD OIL CROPS, ONLY GOOD AND BAD PRACTICES There are no good or bad oil crops. Credit: Borneo Futures When shopping, have you considered the social and environmental impacts of your vegetable oil purchases? Most products offer limited information on these effects. Labels like “No Palm Oil”—linked to environmental damage and threats to orangutans—or “Fair-trade” are familiar, but many ingredients go unmentioned. How reliable are these claims, and what unseen impacts are we responsible for with our choices?
• 5-11-2024ART-BASED APPROACHES CAN ENCOURAGE FRESH PERSPECTIVES ON THE FUTURE Art can contribute to futures thinking in various ways, such as inspiring alternative futures through mediums like science fiction in films and literature, encapsulating future scenarios through artistic illustrations, and posing thought-provoking questions that challenge our perceptions and understanding of the future. As a multidisciplinary field, futures research borrows approaches from different disciplines. However, it often ignores the potential of the arts on a large scale, even though the arts embrace creativity and often depict and narrate imagined futures.
• 5-11-2024‘DOING YOUR OWN RESEARCH’ CAN MAKE FAKE NEWS SEEM BELIEVABLE While it’s healthy to question what we see and hear in the media, those quick internet searches to fact-check news stories can unexpectedly backfire and lead people to believe false stories, according to the director of the University of Oregon’s undergraduate journalism program. As more people tune into the press for the upcoming election cycle
• 5-11-2024CONTRADICTORY THOUGHTS LEAD TO MORE MODERATE ATTITUDES, PSYCHOLOGISTS FIND Researchers present rhetorical tools that can help to reduce the polarization of discussions. When discussing controversial issues such as migration or measures against global warming, strongly opposing positions often clash and discussions become emotional. The polarization that can be found here is primarily driven by people with extreme attitudes.
• 5-11-2024CAN SCIENCE EXPLAIN WHY COUPLES BREAK UP? THE MATHEMATICAL ANATOMY OF A FALL French director Justine Triet’s “Anatomy of a Fall,” winner of the 2023 Oscar for best original script, reconstructs a fatal fall in order to dissect the collapse of the romantic relationship between the film’s leading couple, Sandra Voyter and Samuel Maleski. Far from an exception, breakups of the sort depicted in the film are commonplace: global data shows high levels of marriage failure, with a marked increase towards the end of the last century.
• 5-11-2024WHEN CHOOSING CO-FOUNDERS, ENTREPRENEURS HAVE A GENDER GAP One of the most important decisions an entrepreneur can make when launching a business is choosing the right co-founder. Should compatible personalities guide the choice? Or should the priority be someone who brings resources to the startup? How do entrepreneurs make this decision if they must choose between these two options? New research from Texas McCombs finds there’s a gender gap in making this choice.
• 5-11-2024COMPASSION DOESN’T HELP ALL COUPLES, FINDS STUDY More compassion = a better relationship. This is an obvious rule of thumb for couples. But it doesn’t apply to everyone, as a study shows. Some people prefer to do without it. Whether irrevocably estranged or merely bored with the daily routine: “Couples counseling can improve communication and the quality of the relationship. And it has a positive effect on mental health
• 5-11-2024WOMEN IN RICH COUNTRIES ARE HAVING FEWER KIDS, OR NONE AT ALL. WHAT’S GOING ON? A recent report from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows US fertility rates dropped 2% in 2023. With the exception of a temporary increase in the fertility rate at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, the US fertility rate has been falling steadily since 1971. Australia exhibits a similar pattern. Fertility has declined since 2007 despite government attempts to invest in a “baby bonus” to encourage women to have more children. Taking a more global perspective, we can see similar patterns across other industrial nations: Japan,
• 5-11-2024RESEARCHERS DEVELOP NEW AI TOOL FOR FAST AND PRECISE TISSUE ANALYSIS TO SUPPORT DRUG DISCOVERY AND DIAGNOSTICS A team of scientists from A*STAR’s Genome Institute of Singapore (GIS) and Bioinformatics Institute (BII) has developed a new AI software tool called “BANKSY” that automatically recognizes the cell types present in a tissue, such as muscle cells, nerve cells, and fat cells. Going a step beyond conventional AI tools, which can group cells together into clusters if they contain similar molecules
• 5-11-2024STUDY SHEDS LIGHT ON CANCER CELL ‘TUG-OF-WAR’ Two malignant mixed mullerian tumor explants on collagen network. Both tumor pieces adhered to the collagen network and started pulling on the collagen fibers, which prompted extensive collagen displacements and alignments, alongside cell escape of cells with a dominant stress fiber-based contractility. The sharp and smooth boundary structure of both pieces further indicates a strong tissue surface tension that hinders cell escape for cells with a dominant cortical contractility.
• 5-11-2024STUDY UNDERSCORES NEW STRATEGIES TO FIGHT DRUG-RESISTANT BACTERIA
• 5-11-2024BIG DATA HELPS DETERMINE WHAT DRIVES DISEASE RISK
• 5-11-2024NEW STUDY POINTS TO STOCHASTIC CHANGES IN CELLS
• 5-11-2024CHANGES IN PIG FARMING IN THE 20TH CENTURY SPREAD ANTIBIOTIC-RESISTANT SALMONELLA AROUND THE WORLD, FINDS STUDY
• 5-11-2024HOW CLIMATE CHANGE WILL AFFECT MALARIA TRANSMISSION
• 5-11-2024TEAM DEVELOPS TECHNOLOGY FOR PRODUCING BIOPLASTICS FROM AGRICULTURAL AND FOOD BYPRODUCTS
• 5-11-2024STUDY DISCOVERS CELLULAR ACTIVITY THAT HINTS RECYCLING IS IN OUR DNA
• 5-11-2024WANT TO SHOW TEACHERS APPRECIATION? THIS TOP SCHOOL GIVES THEM MORE FREEDOM
• 5-11-2024HOW LIKELY ARE ENGLISH LEARNERS TO GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL? STUDY SHOWS IT DEPENDS ON RACE, GENDER AND INCOME
• 5-11-2024SELF-CRITICAL PERFECTIONISM GNAWS ON STUDENTS’ WELL-BEING ALREADY IN LOWER SECONDARY SCHOOL, SAYS STUDY
• 5-11-2024STUDY EXPLORES WHETHER PSYCHOLOGICAL CAPITAL WILL HELP WITH WORK ENGAGEMENT IN TOUGH MOMENTS
• 5-11-2024NON-GOVERNMENTAL ORGANIZATIONS RAISE CONCERNS ABOUT CHILD ABUSE REPORTING
• 5-11-2024EXPELLING STUDENTS FOR BAD BEHAVIOR SEEMS LIKE THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION, BUT IS IT REALLY A GOOD IDEA?
• 5-11-2024RESEARCHER ANALYZES 3,356 SIGNS TO SEE HOW LANGUAGE USE IS CHANGING IN THREE LATINO NEIGHBORHOODS IN PHILLY
• 5-11-2024WHO ARE THE IMMIGRANTS COMING TO THE US ON HUMANITARIAN GROUNDS, AND HOW CAN THEY BE SUPPORTED?
• 5-11-2024STUDY SHOWS FEMALE GAMERS ONLY LABEL HALF OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT INCIDENTS THEY EXPERIENCE AS SUCH
• 5-11-2024RISING KNIFE CRIME IN LONDON IS LINKED TO AUSTERITY CUTS TO YOUTH SERVICES—HERE’S THE EVIDENCE
• 5-11-2024USING AI TO PREDICT GRADE POINT AVERAGE FROM COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAYS
• 5-11-2024DISADVANTAGED ENTREPRENEURS OFTEN FEAR SUCCESS, BUT NEW RESEARCH CAN HELP
• 5-11-2024FEW TENURE-TRACK JOBS FOR ENGINEERING PH.D.S, STUDY FINDS
• 5-11-2024RESEARCHERS SEARCH FOR SOLUTIONS TO CONSTRUCT A COMPREHENSIVE WORKFORCE
• 5-11-2024HOW TO TELL IF A CONSPIRACY THEORY IS PROBABLY FALSE
• 5-11-2024AN ANALYSIS OF SECURITY IN RELATION TO THE VALUES OF WELL-BEING, FREEDOM AND EQUALITY
• 5-11-2024CONSUMERS REPORT SIGNIFICANT RISE IN DIET SATISFACTION SINCE JANUARY
• 5-11-2024THE SPREAD OF MISINFORMATION VARIES BY TOPIC AND BY COUNTRY IN EUROPE, STUDY FINDS
• 5-11-2024I INTERVIEWED MOMS WITH FIVE OR MORE KIDS—WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT WOMEN WHO ARE QUIETLY GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN
• 5-11-2024ANALYSIS OF MILLIONS OF POSTS SHOWS THAT USERS SEEK OUT ECHO CHAMBERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA
• 5-11-2024HONG KONG UNIVERSITY TESTS AI PROFESSORS
• 5-11-2024EXTREME VIEWS ABOUT WOMEN ARE INFILTRATING AUSTRALIAN SCHOOLS—WE NEED A ZERO-TOLERANCE RESPONSE
• 5-11-2024GROWTH MINDSET TEACHING HELPS STUDENTS MAKE THE GRADE
• 5-11-2024WORKER RIGHTS ARE ONE OF THE LEAST PROTECTED HUMAN RIGHTS, NEW RESEARCH REVEALS
• 5-11-2024DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU BELONG AT WORK? HERE’S WHY IT’S SO IMPORTANT FOR YOUR HEALTH, HAPPINESS AND PRODUCTIVITY
• 5-11-2024RESEARCHER EXPOSES CHILD LABOR TRAFFICKING AS A HIDDEN CRIME AFTER INVESTIGATING 132 VICTIMS
• 5-11-2024AI KNOWLEDGE GETS YOUR FOOT IN THE DOOR FOR JOB INTERVIEWS, SAYS STUDY
• 5-11-2024STUDY EXPLORES EFFECTS OF OVERSEAS BUSINESS ACTIVITY THROUGH EXPERIENCES OF EXPATRIATES
• 5-11-2024STUDY IDENTIFIES LARGE INTEREST GAPS IN US LABOR MARKET
• 5-11-2024STUDY SHOWS AI CONVERSATIONAL AGENTS CAN HELP REDUCE INTERETHNIC PREJUDICE DURING ONLINE INTERACTIONS

MAY 11, 2024

• 5-11-2024WHY DANCING IN SYNC BRINGS US CLOSER TOGETHER
• 5-11-2024HOW DO EMOTIONS HELP CONSTRUCT OUR CULTURAL IDENTITY IN MUSIC FESTIVALS?
• 5-11-2024WHY DO METAPHORS OF SPACE HELP US UNDERSTAND TIME?
• 5-11-2024THERE ARE NO GOOD OR BAD OIL CROPS, ONLY GOOD AND BAD PRACTICES
• 5-11-2024ART-BASED APPROACHES CAN ENCOURAGE FRESH PERSPECTIVES ON THE FUTURE
• 5-11-2024‘DOING YOUR OWN RESEARCH’ CAN MAKE FAKE NEWS SEEM BELIEVABLE
• 5-11-2024CONTRADICTORY THOUGHTS LEAD TO MORE MODERATE ATTITUDES, PSYCHOLOGISTS FIND
• 5-11-2024CAN SCIENCE EXPLAIN WHY COUPLES BREAK UP? THE MATHEMATICAL ANATOMY OF A FALL
• 5-11-2024WHEN CHOOSING CO-FOUNDERS, ENTREPRENEURS HAVE A GENDER GAP
• 5-11-2024COMPASSION DOESN’T HELP ALL COUPLES, FINDS STUDY
• 5-11-2024WOMEN IN RICH COUNTRIES ARE HAVING FEWER KIDS, OR NONE AT ALL. WHAT’S GOING ON?
• 5-11-2024RESEARCHERS DEVELOP NEW AI TOOL FOR FAST AND PRECISE TISSUE ANALYSIS TO SUPPORT DRUG DISCOVERY AND DIAGNOSTICS
• 5-11-2024STUDY SHEDS LIGHT ON CANCER CELL ‘TUG-OF-WAR’
• 5-11-2024STUDY UNDERSCORES NEW STRATEGIES TO FIGHT DRUG-RESISTANT BACTERIA
• 5-11-2024BIG DATA HELPS DETERMINE WHAT DRIVES DISEASE RISK
• 5-11-2024NEW STUDY POINTS TO STOCHASTIC CHANGES IN CELLS
• 5-11-2024CHANGES IN PIG FARMING IN THE 20TH CENTURY SPREAD ANTIBIOTIC-RESISTANT SALMONELLA AROUND THE WORLD, FINDS STUDY
• 5-11-2024HOW CLIMATE CHANGE WILL AFFECT MALARIA TRANSMISSION
• 5-11-2024TEAM DEVELOPS TECHNOLOGY FOR PRODUCING BIOPLASTICS FROM AGRICULTURAL AND FOOD BYPRODUCTS
• 5-11-2024STUDY DISCOVERS CELLULAR ACTIVITY THAT HINTS RECYCLING IS IN OUR DNA
• 5-11-2024WANT TO SHOW TEACHERS APPRECIATION? THIS TOP SCHOOL GIVES THEM MORE FREEDOM
• 5-11-2024HOW LIKELY ARE ENGLISH LEARNERS TO GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL? STUDY SHOWS IT DEPENDS ON RACE, GENDER AND INCOME
• 5-11-2024SELF-CRITICAL PERFECTIONISM GNAWS ON STUDENTS’ WELL-BEING ALREADY IN LOWER SECONDARY SCHOOL, SAYS STUDY
• 5-11-2024STUDY EXPLORES WHETHER PSYCHOLOGICAL CAPITAL WILL HELP WITH WORK ENGAGEMENT IN TOUGH MOMENTS
• 5-11-2024NON-GOVERNMENTAL ORGANIZATIONS RAISE CONCERNS ABOUT CHILD ABUSE REPORTING
• 5-11-2024EXPELLING STUDENTS FOR BAD BEHAVIOR SEEMS LIKE THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION, BUT IS IT REALLY A GOOD IDEA?
• 5-11-2024RESEARCHER ANALYZES 3,356 SIGNS TO SEE HOW LANGUAGE USE IS CHANGING IN THREE LATINO NEIGHBORHOODS IN PHILLY
• 5-11-2024WHO ARE THE IMMIGRANTS COMING TO THE US ON HUMANITARIAN GROUNDS, AND HOW CAN THEY BE SUPPORTED?
• 5-11-2024STUDY SHOWS FEMALE GAMERS ONLY LABEL HALF OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT INCIDENTS THEY EXPERIENCE AS SUCH
• 5-11-2024RISING KNIFE CRIME IN LONDON IS LINKED TO AUSTERITY CUTS TO YOUTH SERVICES—HERE’S THE EVIDENCE
• 5-11-2024USING AI TO PREDICT GRADE POINT AVERAGE FROM COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAYS
• 5-11-2024DISADVANTAGED ENTREPRENEURS OFTEN FEAR SUCCESS, BUT NEW RESEARCH CAN HELP
• 5-11-2024FEW TENURE-TRACK JOBS FOR ENGINEERING PH.D.S, STUDY FINDS
• 5-11-2024RESEARCHERS SEARCH FOR SOLUTIONS TO CONSTRUCT A COMPREHENSIVE WORKFORCE
• 5-11-2024HOW TO TELL IF A CONSPIRACY THEORY IS PROBABLY FALSE
• 5-11-2024AN ANALYSIS OF SECURITY IN RELATION TO THE VALUES OF WELL-BEING, FREEDOM AND EQUALITY
• 5-11-2024CONSUMERS REPORT SIGNIFICANT RISE IN DIET SATISFACTION SINCE JANUARY
• 5-11-2024THE SPREAD OF MISINFORMATION VARIES BY TOPIC AND BY COUNTRY IN EUROPE, STUDY FINDS
• 5-11-2024I INTERVIEWED MOMS WITH FIVE OR MORE KIDS—WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT WOMEN WHO ARE QUIETLY GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN
• 5-11-2024ANALYSIS OF MILLIONS OF POSTS SHOWS THAT USERS SEEK OUT ECHO CHAMBERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA
• 5-11-2024HONG KONG UNIVERSITY TESTS AI PROFESSORS
• 5-11-2024EXTREME VIEWS ABOUT WOMEN ARE INFILTRATING AUSTRALIAN SCHOOLS—WE NEED A ZERO-TOLERANCE RESPONSE
• 5-11-2024GROWTH MINDSET TEACHING HELPS STUDENTS MAKE THE GRADE
• 5-11-2024WORKER RIGHTS ARE ONE OF THE LEAST PROTECTED HUMAN RIGHTS, NEW RESEARCH REVEALS
• 5-11-2024DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU BELONG AT WORK? HERE’S WHY IT’S SO IMPORTANT FOR YOUR HEALTH, HAPPINESS AND PRODUCTIVITY
• 5-11-2024RESEARCHER EXPOSES CHILD LABOR TRAFFICKING AS A HIDDEN CRIME AFTER INVESTIGATING 132 VICTIMS
• 5-11-2024AI KNOWLEDGE GETS YOUR FOOT IN THE DOOR FOR JOB INTERVIEWS, SAYS STUDY
• 5-11-2024STUDY EXPLORES EFFECTS OF OVERSEAS BUSINESS ACTIVITY THROUGH EXPERIENCES OF EXPATRIATES
• 5-11-2024STUDY IDENTIFIES LARGE INTEREST GAPS IN US LABOR MARKET
• 5-11-2024STUDY SHOWS AI CONVERSATIONAL AGENTS CAN HELP REDUCE INTERETHNIC PREJUDICE DURING ONLINE INTERACTIONS

The lyrics are…. Empty? Lifeless? Do they even exist? I’ve listened through 10+ times and have read through every song and… there’s nothing there. Nothing to examine and digest. Nothing to decode and ponder. I loved RKS because the lyrics were actual works of art. Where did that go? Not a single song on the album has any lyrical depth or complexity.
I think the album is a fun, but nothing to truly treasure. My brain does 0 work in understanding any story, any turn of phrase, any visualizing of the pictures the words paint… It’s just interesting computer noises and some catchy rhymes.
I’m listening because I love RKS. I can appreciate diversity in work. I can respect trying a new sound, experimenting with synthesizers and different electronics, etc. I just hope that some day they can experiment with sounds while also producing quality lyrical work too. I miss that so much and honestly, that’s my only true complaint of the album. Where’s the substance? Hopefully somewhere deep in their heads, building and festering for the next album. For now, I’ll mindlessly jam out to these new pop bops in the car on the way to work.

https://youtu.be/AbDEnIVu-zU?si=77ka1zyxsG6tf2-7
https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tragicallyhip/whentheweightcomesdown.html
Hello everyone, I hope all is well. Today we are going back to 1989 with the band’s debut album Up To Here and we will talking about the eight track from the album titled “When the Weight Comes Down.”
Now when it comes to this album, I actually think “When the Weight Comes Down” is one of the more interesting songs. The song starts off with a one chord guitar strum that is backed by a solid drum beat that remains even when the guitar strum is done ringing out. This is just the song’s intro though as after a uick fill from Johnny we enter the main part of the verse. The main guitar riff is simple but it’s fun. Basically either Rob or Paul are playing a B power chord (on the A and D strings) but lifting up on the B note every now and again, leading them to playing the D string open. It’s extremely simple but it’s a type of riff that I would write because it’s fun and easy to play.
Lyrically, this is where the song becomes a puzzle. Gord starts off the song with lyrics about a guy wearing rubies on his head while he’s “shifting.” The rubies on his head make me think of him wearing a crown like a king. Then Gord sings “and he's hearing something she never said. On his way back home, under his bed.” Between this line and the “shifting” line I feel like so far this song is on the darker side. Just based on this first verse I wonder if this song is about a doomed relationship as the guy is “hearing something she never said.” But as the song continues I’m less convinced about that theme.
We then arrive to the chorus where we get a slight change to the chord progression. Lyrically the chorus is simple as Gord just sings the title of the song. But the way Gord sings the chorus is incredibly catchy. His phrasing is longer and smooth and you get either Sinclair or Paul providing some fitting backing vocals. And lyrically I feel like the title of this song is suppose to convey something bad that has happened that makes it feel as if the weight of the world is coming down on you.
In the second verse the story gets even more confusing. Gord sings about a girl with ragged sleeves and about someone who is about to grieve. Then we have this guy telling the girl about the biblical story of Adam and Eve which seems pretty random at first. But after another chorus we get the lyric “and a girl walks by the burning bush.” The burning bush is another biblical reference; it was a bush that was on fire but was not consumed by the flames. So I think Gord may be going with the metaphor here that people who have the weight of the world on their shoulders are still standing, just like how the bush can’t burn away despite the flames. But the following lyrics about the girl asking the guy “what’s wrong here” and then “opening wide” are still a mystery to me. Is it more religious references? What I do know is that Gord is singing this verse in a higher and more exciting octave in his vocal range.
It’s after this verse though where the music becomes really appealing. We get a guitar solo from Rob that starts off like an 80’s hair metal solo, but in a good way. I like it because it doesn’t sound like a typical Rob solo. It starts off ferocious and then becomes more melodic. And then we get some great dynamics coming out of the solo. The guitars drops out and it’s just the drums and bass while Sinclair plays some melodic lines. Then we get Paul playing some pretty arpeggios while Rob is doing some basic strums. The energy comes to a slow down while Gord starts singing.
This last verse though lyrically is just as confusing as the rest of them. This time the narrator dreams of a “candy coated train” with a little girl arriving at their door. Followed by the line “you know a letter washes up to the shore, that I cannot read and I probably should ignore.” I think that’s probably the best line in the song. For me it conjures up imagery of regret and knowing you can’t go back in time to fix things. And that fits well with the title of the song. But I’m not sure how it fits the other narratives like the religious tones. Someone online said that they interpret this song about drug abusive but with these lyrics I feel that’s kinda a stretch.
Then the band absolutely kills the outro of the song. The backing vocals during the last chorus become even more prominent and Gord adds a lot of grit and passion to his vocals. Rob goes back to that chugging guitar solo riff from before and as he’s hitting some harmonics, Gord goes crazy with his vocals! He’s yelling “get out!” with so much power that it reminds me of what would come to be on “Locked in the Trunk of a Car.” This whole outro has the energy of songs from future albums like Road Apple and Fully Completely and it’s definitely my favorite part of this song.
Overall I do think this is one of the more electric songs on Up to Here. There are some production choices that hold this song from being on the level as other songs from future albums. And I feel like Gord was getting closer to his genus level of story telling lyrics and his more historical/abstract lyrics. But there’s moments on this song that definitely shine and besides the singles, it’s probably one of my favorites from the album and it should have been played more than ten times live.
But what do you think of this song from the band’s debut album? What do you think the song is about? Favorite lyrical or musical moments? And did you ever catch it live?

George Strait - The Cowboy Rides Away: Live from AT&T Stadium June 7, 2014 - AT&T Stadium Arlington, TX USA *** Enjoy the full concert FREE @ bit.ly/georgestraittcra *** "The King of Country Rides Away - with every legend by his side" by R. Dale Roth 2024-05-12
On a smokin' hot Saturday night, June 7 2014, a massive north Texas crowd of dedicated country music fans crammed into AT&T Stadium to say goodbye to the king of country music, George Strait. After 30 years of making some of the best music in the genre, recording more number one hits than the Beatles, and making every woman south of the Mason-Dixon swoon, there could have been no more fitting farewell for King George.
You couldn't tune your radio to a country station within 50 miles of the metroplex without hearing a George Strait song. Social media were clogged with excited updates from people who had tickets and envious posts from those who didn't. Strait may still continue to perform and record after this tour, but his most dedicated fans weren't willing to risk missing out on seeing the legend live in concert one last time.
With 60 number one hits, Strait had an overwhelming body of work to draw from for the show. As a result, it proved a marathon of over 40 of his biggest hits, 20 of those preserved on film. Everyone in that crowd was listening for their personal favorite Strait song, and I would guess that most of them heard theirs.
Hundreds of trailers, tents, and RVs full of beer-drinking folks in cowboy boots filled the parking lots in anticipation of Strait's final show. Truth be told, there were probably more people tailgating George Strait than the NFL's Dallas Cowboys see in an entire season. Some of the people didn't even have tickets to the show, they were just there to be part of what was perceived as a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
"Once in a lifetime" really isn't much of an exaggeration. King George was joined by 12 of the biggest acts in the genre, each capable of selling out stadiums in their own right. When George played the very first event at then-Cowboys Stadium with Reba McEntire a few years ago, 60,000 fans were in attendance. This show, there were over 100,000 people in the crowd, more than any other indoor concert in history.
Aside from the record-setting attendance, it certainly felt like you were part of something historic. When Strait walked down a red carpet to take the stage, the entire stadium was on its feet. The noise from the crowd was deafening, but a deep reverence hung thick in the air, the kind of respect only a true icon could command. It became immediately clear that this show was more than just a concert; it was a cultural event. We were all at the church of country music, and King George was leading worship.
After decades on the road, Strait was a finely tuned machine on stage. From the opening notes of the first song, "Check Yes or No," the entire audience was wrapped up in King George. People were dancing in their seats and in the aisles, holding hands with their sweethearts, and most notably, singing along with every word to every song.
It was also clear that these songs were more than just music to that audience; they were personal. As cliche as it may sound, these albums are the soundtrack to his fans' memories. In the truest sense of the word, Strait is a troubadour. The couple sitting in front of me danced to "I Cross My Heart" at their wedding, and I saw more than one little girl's dad with tears in his eyes during "I Saw God Today."
Strait isn't a publicly political man, but that doesn't mean he's without principles. Halfway through the show, he gave a beautiful, mortgage-free home to Army Sgt. Leroy Petry, a Medal of Honor recipient who was wounded in combat in Afghanistan. Through a partnership with the Wounded Warrior Foundation, Strait has provided a home for a wounded veteran at each stop on his tour.
When he played "I Believe," a tribute to the victims of the Newtown, Connecticut school shooting, Strait's teary eyes had even the tough guys all choked up. Even though it was a farewell, most of this show wasn't at all sad. It was grateful. Strait took multiple opportunities to express thanks to his Ace in the Hole Band, his contemporaries joining him up on stage and the thousands of fans in his audience. After 30 years of being on top, Strait is as humble as he's ever been.
The generational diversity of the crowd gave me hope for country music's future, especially when you consider how many of the fans in that audience knew all the words to Strait songs that were recorded long before they were born. This was a crowd that had a respect for country music's glory days and great hopes for its future -- a crowd that wants fewer Nashville gimmicks, more great songwriting and guitar picking.
It was almost as if Strait had customized the show to make it perfect for each individual person who was there. I'm not sure that there is any other artist alive who has a better command of both their craft and the desires of the audience.
As the set began to wind down, no one wanted it to end. The set list played as Strait's musical history, but everyone kept hoping for just one more song. There wasn't anyone skipping out early to beat the crowds. Nobody cared about sitting in the godawful traffic after the show, they just wanted to see more Strait.
There will ever be a better showcase of great country music than that night's encore, at least not outside of Nashville. It included all of Strait's superstar support acts, including Jason Aldean, Alan Jackson, Sheryl Crow, Vince Gill, Eric Church, Martina McBride, Faith Hill, Miranda Lambert and Kenny Chesney.
Fittingly, Strait and his guests ended the night with "The Cowboy Rides Away." Even though there is likely still more to come from Strait, like the three records left on his deal with MCA, Saturday night still marked the end of the era. After 30 years of almost non-stop touring, Strait has hung up his proverbial spurs.
Song by Song:
1. Check Yes or No
A classic George Strait opener with a catchy melody and a playful, flirtatious tone. Perfect for setting a lighthearted, feel-good vibe for the whole concert.
2. Lovebug (with Vince Gill)
Gill's smooth, soaring vocals are the perfect complement to Strait's more grounded delivery. Expect beautiful harmonies and a masterclass in country music from two absolute legends.
3. Fool Hearted Memory (with Jason Aldean)
Aldean's signature grit adds a layer of complexity to this heartbreaking ballad. His rougher tone will create a fascinating contrast with Strait's classic voice, giving this beloved song a new depth and a touch of modern edge.
4. Arkansas Dave (with Bubba Strait)
Bubba Strait's easy-going style promises a fun, infectious on-stage chemistry with his dad. This lighthearted song will be a playful interlude in the lineup and sure to bring a smile to everyone's face.
5. Cowboys Like Us (with Eric Church)
Two powerful voices with distinct styles converge for this modern anthem. Church's rock-infused attitude and Strait's iconic drawl could deliver a performance that redefines this already popular song and has the crowd ready to dance in their boots.
6. That's What Breaking Hearts Do
A timeless ballad about love and loss. George Strait's rich, emotive voice was made for songs like this, and the simplicity of a solo performance will let the raw emotion of the lyrics shine through.
7. Marina del Rey
This mellow, reflective song highlights George Strait's versatility. It's a chance to slow the pace, showcase a different side of his artistry, and give the audience a moment to catch their breath amongst the upbeat hits.
8. Here for a Good Time (with Sheryl Crow)
This unexpected collaboration promises a burst of energy and some rock and roll flair! Crow's dynamic sound will add a unique element to Strait's performance, potentially creating one of the most memorable and show-stopping songs of the night.
9. I Can Still Make Cheyenne
A classic that perfectly captures the romance and ambition of the rodeo scene. Strait is a master storyteller, and this performance will transport audiences back to the thrill of competition under the bright lights.
10. Jackson (with Martina McBride)
Two powerhouse voices join forces for this iconic duet about love, wanderlust, and chasing big dreams. McBride's passionate delivery combined with Strait's classic style promises spine-tingling harmonies and tear-jerking emotion.
11. A Showman's Life (with Faith Hill)
Hill's stunning vocals are the perfect complement for Strait's understated baritone. This duet could steal the show with its heartfelt lyrics and the undeniable chemistry between two legendary country voices.
12. Murder on Music Row (with Alan Jackson)
Two titans of traditional country music on one stage! Expect a classic performance that honors the genre's roots and celebrates the timelessness of its most powerful songs.
13. The Chair
This stripped-down, emotional song about loss and remembrance is sure to be a poignant moment. George Strait's soulful voice will convey the profound depth of the lyrics, potentially creating one of the most heartrending moments of the concert.
14. Give It All We Got Tonight
This upbeat anthem with a touch of rock energy is perfect for pumping the crowd back up. It's bound to be a singalong with the whole audience joining in for the chorus.
15. Run (with Miranda Lambert)
Lambert's fiery personality and unique vocal style are set to create an unforgettable dynamic with Strait's classic delivery. This could be a truly special and unforgettable performance of a recent country hit.
16. I'll Always Remember You
A bittersweet classic that showcases the emotional depth of Strait's voice. It's sure to create a deeply intimate moment and remind everyone of the power of country music to stir the soul.
17. Ocean Front Property (with Kenny Chesney)
This laid-back track will bring beach vibes and a carefree energy to the night. Chesney's relaxed island sound will meld perfectly with Strait's classic country style, making for a fun and memorable duet.
18. Troubadour
A powerful song that embodies the essence of George Strait's legacy. It tells the story of a life dedicated to music, serving as a perfect prelude to the grand finale of the show.
19. All My Ex's Live in Texas (with Jason Aldean, Ray Benson, Kenny Chesney, Eric Church, Sheryl Crow, Vince Gill, Faith Hill, Alan Jackson, Miranda Lambert and Martina McBride)
This star-studded performance of an absolute country classic is destined to be the highlight of the evening. Imagine all those incredible voices uniting for this iconic song - it's guaranteed to bring the house down and leave everyone chanting along.
20. The Cowboy Rides Away
There's no better way to end a legendary career than with this poignant and reflective ballad. A bittersweet farewell that celebrates Strait's impact on country music and will leave a profound and lasting impression on the audience.
Featuring: George Strait - lead vocals, acoustic guitar
Guest Appearances:
Jason Aldean - vocals on "Fool Hearted Memory" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Ray Benson - vocals on "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Kenny Chesney - vocals on "Ocean Front Property" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Eric Church - vocals on "Cowboys Like Us" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Sheryl Crow - vocals on "Here for a Good Time" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Vince Gill - vocals on "Lovebug" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Faith Hill - vocals on "A Showman's Life" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Alan Jackson - vocals on "Murder on Music Row" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Miranda Lambert - vocals on "Run" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Martina McBride - vocals on "Jackson" and "All My Ex's Live in Texas"
Bubba Strait - vocals on "Arkansas Dave"
Ace in the Hole Band:
Mike Daily - pedal steel guitar
Gene Elders - fiddle, mandolin
Ronnie Huckaby - piano
Mike Kennedy - drums
Mac McAnally - acoustic guitar
Benny McArthur - fiddle, acoustic and electric guitars
Rick McRae - electric guitar
Joe Manuel - acoustic guitar
John Michael Whitby - acoustic guitar, keyboards
Glenn Worf - bass guitar
Comments & Opinions are Encouraged, Welcome & Appreciated.
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https://reddit.com/link/1cqcqhb/video/peb0kmhb110d1/player

TW also for self harm and I guess existential thoughts, depression.
So this culminated to a point for me last year during my birthday in the fall(won't specify, not sure if she uses reddit). I'll give a simple current event summary and then relay past events leading up(me is me, CS(31f): crap sister, LS(26) little sister, ES(36): eldest sister(only here sometimes, as she moved out shortly after her 18th, and then back and forth after tha), Mom(58): mom. SO(same age): ex-partner from junior year HS till age 24. I am trans male, but due to happening after most of these events, that doesn't really have any merit to this story, other than small details, like clothing)
I(28m) decided after not hearing anything on my birthday, and nothing before that since helping her get money for moving state after a divorce(an investing app offered her 1000 if so many people used her link to invest a free 5 dollar gift), to stop all contact and remove my sister from my social media accounts.
When we were kids, CS was the worst. Ever since I could remember, she showed a huge dislike for me. I don't haveamy good memories of her, and the ones I do, are followed, or closely accompanied by a bad memory. I don't have a lot of examples, since the good wasn't really that significant anyway(think, gifting me a stuffed animal when I was in the he hospital for abdominal pains at 8 or 9 years of age, then, after finding that it was a relatively minor issue that happened to cause a huge discomfort. I was told to drink plenty of water, and for my mom to give me a kids Tylenol if needed. She then snatched it back the next day and while I don't remember the exact words, made it clear that I only deserved it if I was really injured, and had wasted time). This was kind of a small(but very impactful) issue that still sticks with me today. I have to convince myself to go to he doctor to have certain issues checked. I recently only went because the numbness in my hands was getting worse, and I was told I had clear symptoms of carpal tunnel(I work in a kitchen, heavy lifting and fine hand movements are often). I also have a ganglean cyst, that has spawned a secondary cyst, in my left wrist, but that's another story.
She always put me down any time I did anything. Even looking at her the wrong way was infuriating to her(I didn't know what she was talking about until just a few years back, but I am diagnosed ADHD and suspected on the autism spectrum. I live on my own and have had a relatively independent life since I could physically and legally do so, just small aspects need extra attention). I'd ask her what she meant, and she'd yell at me. I wasn't rude either. CS:stop looking like that! Me trying to make my face more..plain?: like what? I'm sorry CS: stop it!, you know what you're doing! And you're doing it on purpose. Me: I'm sorry! I really don't know how I'm looking at you, I don't know what you want(I'm crying at this point) CS, getting up to hit me, like always: you KNOW what You're doing, Now stop it!
At that point, my mom had come in and yelled at my sister to calm down(I don't remember what all was said, I was maybe 6 or 7 and don't have the best time remembering the days with her) and that if she didn't like that way I looked, she could go.
Note about my mom, she had left my abusive father and moved several states when I was less than 4, my baby sister not even a year. He tried getting the legal system to bring her back, as the state they had lived in had always done. They told him that it didn't work that way, and they were legally separated. He was told to pay child support(guess how that went) and go to monitored visitation with us. That only happened a few times, and I only remember 2 of them. One visit, there was a person, I don't even recall the face, across the table, coloring and just doing art stuff. The second memory I have is us(me, CS, and LS. ES had a different dad who was not in the picture, and did not want to be. She stayed home). We played with toys in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, the sky was dark when we left. We never went to those meetings again(my dad apparently had told the caseworkers that if my mom wasn't required to meet with him as well, he wasn't interested in the he meetings). Since then, she has been a single mother, working as much as she could while still trying to balance raising us. I don't blame her for not being there, but I am a little disappointed that she never really admonished them, but merely, to this day, says that they may have been horrible then in the circumstances, but they still loved me.
Cue to elementary school, CS used to terrorize me, steal things I owned, destroyed things of mine. She was pretty stuck up and snobby to all of us, but it seemed to be targeted at me(her and ES did fight, instigation from both sides, and eventually made up some years later, but ES could and did fight back. When she could and was home. She worked too, and had a life later in high school, so that was understandable on her part, kind of) I, being younger, and, I guess, a little blind to some social and reactive cues at the time(I discovered I stare blankly while I listen to people. Facial reactions were too hard to focus on without losing attention to what was being said, if that makes sense). Any friends I had soon heard about the way she treated me, and the things she would accuse me of(not bathing, stealing, or just over embellishing embarrassing things about me to make people dislike me. Calling me fat, stupid, weird, etc). One of the only friends I had was a homeschooled girl. But I only got to see her on the weekends. Because my mom worked and ES had extracurriculars and later work(she is about 7.5 years older than me) we were watched by CS, and she didn't want to do the slightest bit of work doing so, which, flipped if it worked in or out of my favor often. Sometimes she'd be non-caring, allowing us to go to a neighborhood friend, so she wouldn't have to watch us. After having to come get us a few times, that stopped. One of the more traumatic times was when she decided to rig our doorknob(so that instead of a lock you flipped, it was a push knob, you push the knob into the door, turn the knob, and release. It's a non key locking system. I'm not sure if they are normally sold that way or if something happened, but it was installed backwards, so that you could lock someone inside of the room. Can you guess what happened? I was locked inside of my own bedroom, no food, no water, not even a bathroom break, during almost the entire 9 hours(mom worked 8 and commute) on a Saturday. I can't remember if LS was in there with me, but it's possible she was young enough to not even know what was going on, if she was in there. She's about 2 years younger than me, and this was when I was around 6/7. I was absolutely terrified. I cried, I screamed, I banged on the door. I begged to be let out for at least the restroom, which she refused, likely because I'd try to run and hide(the smart thing, duh). So there I was, freaking out that I had been locked in a room and cut off from all necessities. I don't stop crying until my mom came home, who, upon hearing the screaming, tore into CS about how wrong it was and what if we needed the bathroom or water, or even food. I don't remember her response(I probably don't want to) but my mom just glared angrily at CS as she left downstairs to her room. Mom made sure I got water, food, and restroom. I didn't mess up my room, that itself also created issues that I'll lay out later.
There are so many(too many) horrific memories from that time. It was hard all the time. I was insulted, isolated from my other siblings, and eve. Physically hurt. I'm not sure if the physical pain was worse though. I tended to forgive people very easily, and constantly, even into my early adulthood, tried my best to make her think better of me. She would steal clothes from me(cut them up to "fit her better". I was chunky, more medical than anything else, so with alterations, yes, they'd fit her. Like they'd fit an escort. Yes it's mean, but she's literally cut the pant legs off of jeans so that it was literally a jean thong. I only realized how terrible that was later on my teen years when fashion set in more within your social groups. And when they eventually didn't fit her(hah) she'd just throw them out and say they were a waste and wouldn't look good on me anyway. My mom told CS at the thrift store that she had to find outfits for me before finding herself some, and she would often try to just grab the first thing(usually ugly and wrong size) she could and the try to shop for herself(she was greedy with money. If CS found out a gift or piece of clothing one of us got cost more, she'd throw a fit and destroy our things. My mom once bought herself a vintage star Trek the original series collection, and because she didn't spend her tax return on CDs for CS, CS scratched up a bunch of the discs. My mom never even got to watch them before that. Some still played, but it felt like a loss). Mom didn't like that and said she had to help me find suitable clothes I liked. CS didn't like it, but obliged.
One of the larger things she did, when a 12/13 year old(I was 10) is she broke into an abandoned foreclosed house with a grown man, and stayed there for several days, or maybe a week or 2 . She ran from home often, blaming our mom for her issues was the norm for her. Everything was moms fault. Might've been her fault, though, was what happened next. My mom didn't want to call the cops on my sister, but knew confronting her alone and with an unknown man would be dangerous. So, probably against her better judgement, she handed me the phone(she worked at a cellular call center, in the early stages(2000's) of cell phones. She got them from the company for free, periodically). I called 911, per our mom's wishes. Explained my sister had broken into a house with a man and had been staying there. Once they heard that she was a minor, they didn't take long to get there. We sat up the road, in the car, watching it happen. Mom cried the entire time, but would not move from that spot until she saw that the cops had successfully taken her into custody. I just stared while it happened.
I know I shouldn't have had to make that call, but, due to being left alone all the time to my own devices, I had become quiet and usually kept my words and feelings to myself, and therefore seemed the most "emotionally stable" to handle it. Being put into that kind of spot was already happening with other issues, but they aren't relevant.
Over the years, more things happened that made me just want to be alone. LS even stopped being a target and was the precious baby sister (no issue with that in itself, but CS further alienated me from LS and I would once again be left alone. Being told I wasnt worth the time and that no one likes me, and if they did, it was because they pitied me, was an often occurance. My mom tried to stop it where she could but she had been met by the wrath of my sister(and before that, my father) for so long, she didn't want my sister to cause an issue that got us taken away from her. (We had been taken for some months due to some CPS workers believing my fathers lies about her being unstable and immoral. Given back due to no evidence, but with a struggle.) She didn't want to risk that again, so instead tried to keep the peace where she could. She had no family help, and was raising us all by herself. CS got physical, with even my mom, and it scared her. Out house was broken into numerous times by her ex boyfriends, ex friends, and people from..."groups" she used to hang out with. ES was also to the point of just not talking to CS or coming around that much anymore(after she moved out at 17. She also couldn't stand to be around CS)
An emergency later on with ES got her and CS bonding and acting like siblings that had a spat, and around that time is when LS was starting to get CS's attention. (I don't blame LS at all. It's not really her fault we never got to bond like siblings and even now don't know how to talk to one another freely). I still received the brunt of CS's wrath. She'd be nice, like offering some soda she bought, or some snacks, and then be a total b itch, sometimes going off and accusing me of stealing something.
CS: my chapstick is missing! Where is it? Me(roughly 8/9): why would I know? CS: don't talk back to me, I KNOW you stole it. now, where is it. Me, mumbling because I know what's going to happen:I don't know... CS: WHAT Me, wanting her to leave me alone: I DONT KNOW. CS: shut up, yes you do, I know you took it, now where is it??
At this point, I am crying and she has already hit me in he head and face a few times. After my refusing to answer, she just screamed and left me there, confused and wondering if I did take it.
She found it later. Never said a word or offered apology. This was a regular accurance all the way up until she moved out for the first time at 14. I learned to not use the phrase " I don't know" as often as I could because to her, it meant I wanted to hide something, because I obviously should know, and was choosing not to tell her and lie. It still happened, and yes, I got beat for it. We even moved school districts when I was 11(not related to the incidents) and I didn't want to make friends because I hated that they would eventually know her. It was rough to say the least.
A few years later, after CS moving in and out of home with boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend, starting at 14, I only had to deal with her while she was home, either between moving stints, or whenever she wanted to drop by and take things, like food or stuff she left with us. Sometimes she just took things. Mom was happy to see her come at all, so we dealt with it. While I heavily disliked the way she had treated me until then, I still wanted her to like me. So when she was home, I tried. When she lived with us for a few months at the age of 16/17, ES, now in her early 20s, living on her own, bought me and LS a laptop. It wasn't the best, but it was a laptop. Well, as you can guess, CS wanted to be able to use it too. Mom said we should because it was the nice thing to do and it would calm things down. So I made her a profile of her own. Not good enough. She wanted access to the main account, the one me and LS used. Now I wasnt into anything nefarious at the time, like p**n or anything, but I just don't want to give in to her being crazy and hovering. She looked for anything to yell at me for. She never once asked or yelled at LS for the password, even though LS knew it. It was my fault.
Next time I got the laptop back, the charger cord had some extra pieces stuck to it that I later found to be part of the internal charger port. She had literally ruined not only the charger, but the charging port in the laptop itself. Rendering it absolutely useless. Replacing that small part required the whole charger port to be replaced, and connections to be restored inside the laptop itself. So, it was a loss. No one seemed to ever be as mad as I was that this kept happening. Call me petty, but I held those memories as the deepest grudge, I still do. I kept pushing it down whenever she wanted to be nice to me, which in hindsight ended up being her needing something from me, sometimes even my company, because she couldn't keep authentic friends around. She got me stoned for the first time when I was 8 or 9 at one of her boyfriend's houses, and then gave me my first drink around the same age. Both with my mom not present. I was a child so when she told me not to tell in exchange for snacks and such, I obliged. I just wanted her to like me.
2 moments really stick out in the high school days before she left for several years to play wife to yet another guy. 1.The first was when we were actually hanging out in the kitchen of the family apartment, CS and ES were drinking and just catching up, while I was just by the kitchen drinking water. CS got pretty tipsy and, while walking into the kitchen, slipped and fell. She wasn't hurt or anything, it was just a small thing, and she ended up gigging and everyone laughed, like it was one of those fun family moments, y'know. Like in the shows. Well she looks and sees me laughing too, like literally everyone else. This is particular makes her mad and she gets right up and strides towards me. My mom yelled her name but before anything could happen, CS punched me right in the jaw. Only this time, I didn't fall, much less move more than an inch or 2. I already knew it was coming the moment she locked eyes with me. I stood my ground and just stared at her. I couldn't believe it. Even though I prepared for it, I still couldn't believe it. Everyone else has started laughing first. She had been gone for years. She herself thought it was funny. But seeing me, have fun at her expense, no matter how minuscule? No. Not happening. My mom asked her why she did it. She only looked at me, my face not even sad, just flat, like I felt nothing and hadn't been hit. But I didn't feel "nothing". I felt rage. Rage that, even at 14 and 15, even if others had joined, I was her target. She scoffed when family questioned her and stormed off. Nothing changed.

1. After that, I had issues with friends, yet again, because she was home. I, 16 at the time, tried to stay the night at a friend's house, but instead of getting input from my mom, I got CS. She demanded that I clean my "pig-sty" of a room. I shared a room with LS, and a lot of the things complained of, weren't mine. And even if I cleaned, the ADHD made it messy as I easily lost things and would flip my room in a panic. Regardless, I asked if I could talk to mom. Mom hesitated, but as well said no, likely because CS was there and my mom is, admittedly a pushover and a bit naive when it comes to them. CS was screaming at me on the phone, and my friend's mom heard it, and took the phone and asked for them(my mother, NOT my sister) to talk. After this, I told them my sister had issues and was a bad person(info with extra details omitted, but it's legal issues), and to not pay attention to the insults. Well friend's mom thought she should talk it over with my mom and I told her it's fine just discuss staying over, I'm not keen on going home.

My mom came after some minutes(we lived down the street), with, ugh, CS with her. I asked why she was there and her response was to make sure I "wasn't spreading sh it about her to gain sympathy". My mom went inside to talk to friend's mom and the big hit came. -Some background. I was depressed. Of course, with a sibling destroying any chance of normal social interaction and losing material items and even money, I wondered, from an early age, why. I didn't try to take my life up to that point, and anything I did was cuts, scratching, and punching. I did anything to control what I was feeling. I felt so many emotions, and some that I didnt know how to explain, some of which had followed me since childhood, that I couldn't get a hold of. So I turned to pain, something I could thoroughly control. It had been going on since I was around 12 in middle school, found out by my mom at 14/15, and I was actively in therapy(after arguing with ES and my mom that I needed therapy, and being told i was selfish). I was still 15 at the time. -Back to it. While my mother and my friend's mom were chatting, CS and I were arguing. I just wanted her to leave me alone, and told her so. The apartment walls werent the best, so CS overheard the things I had said about CS. None were lies, I just wanted someone to know. Deep down I still wanted her affection, but I wanted SOMEONE to hold her accountable at least. But it didn't end there. In the hallway, after hearing the main convo between the mothers, and hearing mine tell friend's mom that I fluffed up the issue because we dont get along, sibling rivalry(the usual excuse):
CS:I don't know why you have to blab so much, no one needs to know. Me: it's the truth. CS it doesn't matter. You don't even want to be here. If you're going to cut yourself, at least do it the right way.
I stopped talking and looked down after that. She smiled and continued waiting for our mom, while on her phone, probably the 4th one that year(she broke them often). It hurt. But hearing it didn't hurt as realizing that I felt it all the time. A grief from early childhood, that I didn't know the origin of, came back. I grieved myself. I still didn't know it then, I was just sad and numb. I thought death was the easy way out. Surely I didn't deserve the easy way. I continues the injuries, hiding them better and refusing to tell my therapist after a separate incident with my mom. Mom even stopped coming to the group therapy, and they told me it was specifically to help parents support their troubled kids, and if my mom wasn't showing up, I could no longer attend the group sessions. We would still have 1 on 1. But it made me feel even worse. Everyone in that group probably knew why I wanted there after 2 times with my mom absent. But I digress. After hearing my sister say that, I guess I became more serious about leaving everything and hoping for a better shot next time, if there was one.
Some months later, still 15 and in school I decided to try what I had heard: alcohol with a high number of any kind of pain pill. I took about 14-16(I don't quite remember, I just kept taking 2 at a time and quit counting at 12, just kept taking) of extra strength Tylenol. Took a shot or 2(or 4, I just did what I thought might be enough while not giving myself away) from ES bottle(she had moved home due to her living situation falling through), and went to school, hoping for the best(worst) I did get a little scared when I suddenly felt a spike in my heart rate, sweat, and a cold sweep through my body. This lasted several minutes, and I happened to be sitting at my desk in class, already having finished the assignment, so laying down on the desk looked normal. I waited and waited. The feeling got worse and worse, and painful, in my stomach and my chest. After a few grueling minutes of hoping it would happen, it didn't. While some residual pain remained in my abdomen, the other symptoms had calmed down. To say i was disappointed was a huge understatement. I went through the classes, saying nothing about having almost released myself from the harsh grip of empty reality. There wouldn't have been a point. I'd have been yelled at by my family for being selfish and wanting attention, just like when they had discovered my injuries and when I had asked for therapy. I was already threatened with being put into a mental ward for teens. Saying something and failing warranted worse consequences than not telling and succeding. So I kept silent and suffered. I decided that putting myself out wouldn't happen, and I would just deal.
I moved in with someone I was dating and their family just a few months after my 18th birthday(9 mo together). I hadn't even graduated yet, just finished credits early. CS had already moved out before that, but I just didn't want to be there any longer. I felt unsupported and pushed aside. Not to get into details, because it's not my story, but when LS was going through something(after I moved out), they dropped it all to help her and take her to therapy. Again, I don't blame LS. I may not like the way she handled her situation afterwards, but it happened nonetheless, and she was pampered by that demon and cared for by everyone else as the baby, so I've never had huge issues with her, but my family's reaction to her vs me was starkly different. Especially after being told several times by CS, ES and hinted at by my mom that I was always a little difficult, but not in a purposeful kind of way. Yet while I was "difficult" I was still thought to be relatively low maintenance due to the fact that I shyed away and prefered to do my own thing, alone. I mean, wouldn't you if you felt, no, if you knew, that certain family members just hated you, and others regarded you as difficult? When you just wanted love? I know that I wasn't normal like other kids, in that I didn't show clear emotion, or didn't know how to convey my feelings or needs. But I never tried to be an issue. But that's what I had always been told. That I was doing it at my own will, to make CS angry. I'm not even sure what about me always put CS off, but it weighed down for a while.
As an adult(18-20), it was better. Communication, but with less physical meetings, proved to at least be better for us. CS eventually started talking to me and my at-the-time SO, inviting us out. I think she needed company, because the man she chose to marry had all but cut out all male people from her life(don't feel bad, she did the same with his female friends)and her female friends were not always good friends, and maybe she knew that, deep down, I still wanted her approval. And boy was she right. We(me and SO, Same age) were always accepting her invitation. My SO had the train of thought that CS was at least trying, and that counted for something. At the time I agreed.
Around age 20, we were heading to Christmas with my family after SO's family celebration(we lived with them at the time, in hindsight a bad idea, totally separate issue). It was snowing and the car I was driving had belonged to SO's parents, so, respectfully, I requested to my SO that we pick up CS and take her to moms apartment(she hadn't moved since we left home, expenses and all). Well, SO was a momma's kid, and while we were getting ready to leave, SO told the parents about the extra trip and asked if that was ok. (At the time I don't think anything, but later on I realized that the mother was a huge control freak with attachment issues and the SO would always back her up in the end, even if there was a good chance we'd win an argument). Looking back, they definitely had an issue with my relationship with my family(mother mainly. Narcissist), but this was CS, and I already had reservations about her anyway. SO's parents said no, sorry. Unfortunately, SO was really dense(yes, I know, shut up) so I couldn't ask them to lie to their mother. I let CS know and was explaining that it wasn't my car and wasn't my idea to "get permission" from the owner(although, as mean on their part as it was, that had to be the case. I had only been given permission to use it for work of whenever me and SO went somewhere together. Yes, very controlling, but not the point). CS wouldn't listen. Instead, went on a tirade of how I was ungrateful and useless and all other insults that just echoed all of the childhood issues.
Story short, she ballooned the story to say that I told her I didn't want to take her and was being rude about it. ES texted me and told me not to come by at all(ES was paying a part of the bills and was an adult on the lease). No one would listen that this was just SO being dumb and, although yes I could've tried harder, it was not my fault. Myother called me that night and I cried, asking why my sister hated me. Why CS hated me. She could only say that sometimes people are angry and it's not our fault. While I appreciated her words, it didn't help. The gift I had for CS went unsent,(robe with her favorite design, Mary Jane) sat in my closet.
I mourned for a while but went on with my life, and that very next summer, I moved me and SO into an apartment. Made a deal with paying the car insurance and the basic gas/oil and regular maintenance costs, in exchange for just being able to drive the vehicle freely, and also I had my license for a year at that point(couldn't get it till 19, with my own cash and borrowing a car at the time), so they felt safer letting me use their car. Fair enough. moving on.
Some time goes by, and CS and ES end up falling out of touch again due to a made up issue(literally a dream where we made fun of her life and loss during her pregnancy. A dream. Mind you, she was also on substances this entire time, literally from the time she was like 11 or 12.) ES started talking to me again, claiming that she knew CS blew it out of proportion and just went along with it. Things go ok.1-2 years later Mom and ES move state. More things happen(kind of irrelevant since CS still isn't involved). Now LS and ES aren't speaking with me and CS comes in saying how she understands. I figured, it's was family, and I needed it. Right? And I was so confused on who to defend and back, my bio family or my SO, that seeing her, even with her sketchy SO, be able to have someone support her when she was put out, even if she was in the wrong and did the putting out, hit the family spot. Against everything, I started hanging out with CS. Up to this point , she hadn't apologized for anything really, but had given gifts, sent invites for holidays, and eve invited me, and sometimes SO over just to hang out(420 is legal in all the states I've lived in, so we had that in common at least). Start to not see CS in such a bright light since she has by that time(I'm 22 at the time) admitted to me that she cheats on her husband, they do hardcore drugs, and he avoids taxes, more stuff but I mainly ignore it cuz, hey, not my life, not my problem. Things go ok.
I leave my ex in 2019 and move out of my state in 2020 and in with family. Yay job closures. Now, this move was probably one of the worst, betraying, infuriating, heartbreaking things that I did as it showed some things about family that I really ignored since I hadn't created an irreversible issue until I lived back with them, as well as bring other heart wrenching events, but that's not important here.
CS now hasn't really sent anything unless it's to ask for help with something, which I do and she pays back, as always. That's not really the bad part. First was about 2 years after I had moved states to be with family. I had been paying ES money for rent, from unemployment(COVID), And had a surgery scheduled for just 3 weeks after the unemployment cut off(I had been looking for jobs but very little luck aside from some MLMs) and ES went ballistic, saying how i was putting them in financial strain(our mom had recently gotten a large tax return from COVID credits, as did she. I did not since I worked during 2019 and 2020. I also got no extra unemployment since it started after the main event. ES ranted to CS that I was a bum and was mooching and spent over a year not paying anything,( even though I had offered ES proof since ES had yelled at me before CS called me). She even posted personal information to insult me online to people I don't know, which is when ES told CS that, while she was mad at the situation, that was crossing a major line. I refused to call CS first, so after a few days, she called me. I laid into her what had been really happening by that point, that I had been paying and I have been doing door dash and donating plasma to continue to pay rent, which I Had talked about to ES. CS was silent during this, and I finally asked why any of the things in childhood happened.
Me: I just want to know why you always bullied me, and beat me up? The things you said?
CS: Well, I want to apologize, but I don't remember a lot of the stuff I did. I was usually high on something. Me: ...Not even telling me to off myself? CS:......-username-, I was a terrible person, and I was on a lot of stuff. I'm sorry that I don't remember.
I don't go farther cuz it's just me explaining everything and that I can't stand that Im always attacked. We hang up with CS telling me that she hopes the best.
Well, things kind of blow up, rent gets unpaid, money is wasted, and I decide to no longer pay and move to my own place. I don't talk to ES. CS chats sometimes, but not too much. After a while of not much texting, around middle of 2022, CS texts. Not exact, but I'll summarize it.
CS: hey, I'm divorcing my husband(I knew, mom told me earlier, didn't say anything) and I'm gonna move to Texas with this guy I've been talking to while married. I'm short on money to move into a place, so could you and mom maybe do this investing app and help out? Me: does it require anything like my credit?(Issues happened prior to this with another person) CS: no you just need to invest their free 5 dollars and keep the account open(I think for either 2 weeks or a month). Me: ok I'll get it started. CS: thank you so much! So how's the new Italian place? Me: it's good, it's called "blah blah blah" CS: ok cool, I'll look it up. Me: Okie dokie. So how's the move coming along
She never responded after that. I ignored it and put it on that she needed to move and focus on packing. I then went to our mom(I took her and her cat with me cuz I'm not monster) and told her the situation. She wanted to ask CS about what to do cuz I had to work in the morning and it was late. Convo:
Me: when you ask CS, ask "hey, -username- said you needed something, I have the app up, what do I do next?" Because this would explain that I told Mom and make CS answer what she wants.
Nope. She just sent "oh did you need any thing for moving, like money or anything?"
CS: hmm? Oh no, we're going to stay with his parents, but thank you for the offer! We'll be ok!
I got upset cuz I feel like I knew something was up. Asking me to help with money for moving to an apartment(she has a car large enough to pack her belongings and she didn't plan to bring furniture). I let it go and deleted the investment account, which continues to try charging me so I had to change banks. Very nice.
Now to this last fall(2023). I moved after that and there was very little interaction. I had been thinking about the relationships in my life and realized that being around CS in particular, or even being mindful of her, was causing mass amounts of resentment and anger in me, making my mental health dive. The lack of remorse and just consistent blaming of substances instead of the choice to do those substances. Claiming she's was a terrible person, but not saying anything about the issues it caused.
I decided that if CS did not even contact me on my birthday(she had skipped it before which isn't too bad, but one year even sent a message 2 months late and when I called her out, she blew it off and just said "oops, I was drunk, my bad".
So this last fall I wait. And nothing, till the end of the day. Honestly I didn't want to wait for excuses or anything. I just felt all of the anger of trying to get her attention and her love, and the desperation that I felt trying to understand why I never deserved it. So I removed her. Not blocked. If there are any emergencies where she would need to contact me(not likely), then it's there. I have a new number, so social media messaging was sufficient. I had done the same with ES.
The very next morning, I had a huge message about how she noticed that I had removed her(this site doesn't notify if someone leaves your friend circle) and about how she felt bad about what happened as kids but that she felt horrible for blocking people out for so long. Then another message telling me that she didn't want to be without her siblings again. Telling me that now, she was going to have a kid in several months, and how it's amazing and she's excited to finally be a mom and I'll be an uncle again(LS has 2 young kids of her own). I opened it and ignored it. She then said she tried reaching out and I left her on read and she hopes I have a good life.
Mentally, I may not be where I want myself to be, and sometimes I feel like I haven't moved forward from being that kid, that just wants to know why. But one step at a time, especially with therapy.
I wanna say I don't feel like the AH, or if I am, that is justified. But I guess there's always going to be a small part of me that wants to have the bonds that I never knew, even if it's too late by now.
So, am I the AH for just stopping contact and connection to someone I feel I just don't have a connection with?
P.s., sorry there's a lot, I honestly didn't mean for it to be this long. Please don't hate my late night grammar