Mg ursano scholarship

Since that's the theme of today apparently.
I have COVID today and I'm living in the back of my van. Currently under the influence of 1,000 mg acetaminophen and 8 mg ondancetron for nausea. 102 fever but am keeping it down.
When I moved out of my house last year in South Knoxville, My landlord jacked my rent up by $250 for the next tenant. $250 bucks over a single year, and that's after everybody started realizing it was too expensive
That brings the average house rental price in that zone to about $1800 bucks a month.
I knew shit was sitting the fan in 2021 and even wrote a post on it when I had to bounce off to Mexico because it's too expensive to live in Knoxville.
And yet here I am again. Last year the technology sector decided to shed about 20% of the workforce. And you better believe we haven't made it back either.
Man I am so tired of being fucked over every single day of my life. All I've ever done is put a good foot forward every fucking day. I went and got my degree with a full scholarship, went off to med school, and did everything I could to do great. In return my family fucking abandoned me.
What can I do?
I mean I have tried everything. I've done it all by the book. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and I try to stay busy and active.
And yet when I'm finding I'm the only person in my company that doesn't drink during a company get together, and then simultaneously find myself PIP'ed not once but twice in the same exact situation - to me it just raises a hell of a lot of questions about where our country is going.
That gap between the rich and poor is fucking real, man.
And I'll tell you straight up it didn't have a fucking thing to do with my education as to whether or not I was going to make it in the world.
You know what it came down to?
I just needed to agree to be just as slimy as those fuckers were.
And God help me if I ever have to just to stay alive.

Hi everyone,
Good to be here. I've dealt with anhedonic depression for the better part of a decade and I turned 22 last week.
Hopefully, this sad-but-true example helps everyone understand the depth of what I'm going through. Four years ago, I got a full scholarship to college and I didn't feel anything. I also got a fantastic job that gave me financial independence and freedom from my abusive household.
Again, I felt nothing and it scared me because I wondered if I was incapable of feeling excitement, joy, satisfaction or contentment.
That's when I realized that I had a severe chemical deficiency. I've also tried and failed 10+ medicines (four SSRIs, Strattera, Pristiq, Abilify, Buspirone, Gabapentin, Seroquel, Lithium, and most recently Wellbutrin) so I began taking Parnate the other day as a last resort.
I'm augmenting with 150 mg. bupropion XL and I dropped down from 300 mg. bupropion XL before starting the Parnate. I took 10 mg. the first day, 20 mg. today, and I will take 20 mg. tomorrow. I feel a bit calmer than I have in a while, and I feel like I'm able to concentrate a bit more easily (also a miracle because I've been using Modafinil on-and-off for months to get through work and school).
My goal is to not need the Modafinil anymore, and hopefully Parnate does a good enough job at modulating dopamine that I can be 100% stimulant-free aside from caffeine. I used to have a serious issue with amphetamines, but I haven't taken Adderall since Biden first got elected.
I plan to stay at 20 mg. for 10 days before increasing to 30 mg. and staying there for 2 weeks (or until I notice orthostatic hypotension upon standing). My other goal is to use as little Parnate as possible to minimize side effects.
Instead of boosting to 30 mg. in a week or so, I'm wondering if it might be a good idea to instead go back on 300 mg. bupropion XL and remain at 20 mg. Parnate for a while longer to see if the combination is more helpful.
Insomnia hasn't become an issue for me yet, but I'm also on Seroquel and Gabapentin, so YMMV. I'm treating myself as a guinea pig at the moment because I have truly reached the end of the line.
If Parnate doesn't work for me, ECT and ketamine are the only options left. I'm hoping for the best and would appreciate any advice/personal experiences you guys can share with me.

I plan to kill myself today. I already made progress so far. I'm already on 3000 mg of Tylenol in the past hour. I plan to take 2 more before my exam and then go back to my apartment and take 6 more. Honestly, I don't know what I'll do then. Maybe I'll stay in my apartment and slowly die or maybe I'll drive up north and take them thier. I don't know. I honestly thought coming to college would help cure my problems. It never did really. It just made them worse. I have an exam in a few hours and I know I'm going to fail it. And if I do I'll lose my HOPE scholarship for good this time since I've already lost it in the past. Makes sense don't know why trash like me decides to dream. You know I hate the phrase you got " to hope" or "you got to believe" I always found it idiotic, you ignore reality and you believe in a lie. Is idiotic. I've tried hope. I hoped so much but people never tell you what happens when it's gone. Watching it snuff out and leaving you in the dark. And then you try again you light up the torch of hope thinking this time it will be different but it won't it'll happen again addinfinitum.No one describe how much that can drive you insane. Being left in the dark again. Expect this time the darkness is darker than before and it just keeps getting darker. It hurts. I've tried a lot of things you know stoicism,exestinolism, absurdism, therapy, nihilism, and even those stupid ( red pill and black pill) they never worked. I honestly think people like me are a mistake. We somehow got past the barrier, but life's calling is back (whether it be god or nature, who knows) they make us like this to remind us that if we don't do it this is what life has in store for us. The endless cycle of torment so do it. Pull the trigger it won't get better. And people say "No don't do it how about your friends and family" I don't care anymore, I'm sorry I relay don't. I guess that makes me a bad person, maybe that's what I wanted all along to be seen as a bad person, or maybe I was always a bad person no matter how much I tried to convince myself I wasn't. But I can't help it. The pain and anger in my chest hurt so much. Every day waking to the same ball in my chest that takes more and more of you each day.IM done. Life is a curse for people like me. It won't get better. I want it to go away. I'll make it go away. Im strong. I can do this last act. I found the strength to.
I don't know why I'm doing this. Typing this out. And I'm sorry to those who are reading this. I try to be as much of a nonproblem as I can to people. I'm not an egotist. At least, I don't think I am. Maybe this is a cry for help or maybe I just want attention or it could be a better explanation to my folks, if they find this, as to why I did it. It sure is a better explanation than the one I have in my pocket. It is full of such hurtful things. I'm sorry I was mad. I'm still mad. At everything. But it's mostly myself. I've always been mad at myself. It never really gets better at the end. I hate myself. I despise myself so much that I don't consider myself human. An animal, trash, waste. These are better descriptions of what I am, I have no worth and will never have worth. People always say you have to be nice to yourself, be kinder. Why would I be kind to trash?
I thought coming here would make it better, but it never did. You can't take that part out of me. I wanted it to stop. The loneliness the hate. It just got worse. Maybe I want people to find this. Maybe I want the school to find this. Maybe I want them to ban me from this school. I know that I self-sabotage myself a lot. I deserve all the pain. I want it to hurt. I want to slip further it that hole. In case this doesn't work.In case this isnt the one. I tried so many times. I've failed so many times. this just feels different though. I'm not sad I'm just angry. Not at other people's tho, I won't hurt people. I never will . I'll make sure I die before I ever think of doing that. I'm angry at myself. That's what got me to six pills so far. Being angry. I just know if this doesn't work I'll be in a further deeper hole. If I can just get deeper maybe I can find the strength there. Eventually, something breaks you know. So far it's my sanity. My brain doesn't work anymore. I've made sure of it. I don't want to think. If I think that is where the pain is. Maybe if I go deeper my survival instinct will break. that is the one thing holding me back. That stupid primordial need to survive. I can break that. My brain is mush I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I don't. I just know it won't work. Therapy, talking to people, hope it never does, it will always be a cycle.
I've got myself to 3000 mg which is the recommended amount in a day Anything past that can lead to liver failure. This next to can hurt but I don't think it won't be enough. I need to make sure this works.
Update
Hello, I wanted to make this update to clear any concerns. I did end up reaching out and am going to find the help I need to get better. Thank you to anyone who responded to this post, and I am sorry for any concerns I may have caused. And to those who reached out to me in DMs, thank you again for your concerns.

I plan to kill myself today. I already made progress so far. I'm already on 3000 mg of Tylenol in the past hour. I plan to take 2 more before my exam and then go back to my apartment and take 6 more. Honestly, I don't know what I'll do then. Maybe I'll stay in my apartment and slowly die or maybe I'll drive up north and take them thier. I don't know. I honestly thought coming to college would help cure my problems. It never did really. It just made them worse. I have an exam in a few hours and I know I'm going to fail it. And if I do I'll lose my HOPE scholarship for good this time since I've already lost it in the past. Makes sense don't know why trash like me decides to dream. You know I hate the phrase you got " to hope" or "you got to believe" I always found it idiotic, you ignore reality and you believe in a lie. Is idiotic. I've tried hope. I hoped so much but people never tell you what happens when it's gone. Watching it snuff out and leaving you in the dark. And then you try again you light up the torch of hope thinking this time it will be different but it won't it'll happen again addinfinitum. No one describe how much that can drive you insane. Being left in the dark again. Expect this time the darkness is darker than before and it just keeps getting darker. It hurts. I've tried a lot of things you know stoicism,exestinolism, absurdism, therapy, nihilism, and even those stupid ( red pill and black pill) they never worked. I honestly think people like me are a mistake. We somehow got past the barrier, but life's calling is back (whether it be god or nature, who knows) they make us like this to remind us that if we don't do it this is what life has in store for us. The endless cycle of torment so do it. Pull the trigger it won't get better. And people say "No don't do it how about your friends and family" I don't care anymore, I'm sorry I relay don't. I guess that makes me a bad person, maybe that's what I wanted all along to be seen as a bad person, or maybe I was always a bad person no matter how much I tried to convince myself I wasn't. But I can't help it. The pain and anger in my chest hurt so much. Every day waking to the same ball in my chest that takes more and more of you each day .IM done. Life is a curse for people like me. It won't get better. I want it to go away. I'll make it go away. Im strong. I can do this last act. I found the strength to.
I don't know why I'm doing this. Typing this out. And I'm sorry to those who are reading this. I try to be as much of a nonproblem as I can to people. I'm not an egotist. At least, I don't think I am. Maybe this is a cry for help or maybe I just want attention or it could be a better explanation to my folks, if they find this, as to why I did it. It sure is a better explanation than the one I have in my pocket. It is full of such hurtful things. I'm sorry I was mad. I'm still mad. At everything. But it's mostly myself. I've always been mad at myself. It never really gets better at the end. I hate myself. I despise myself so much that I don't consider myself human. An animal, trash, waste. These are better descriptions of what I am, I have no worth and will never have worth. People always say you have to be nice to yourself, be kinder. Why would I be kind to trash?
I thought coming here would make it better, but it never did. You can't take that part out of me. I wanted it to stop. The loneliness the hate. It just got worse. Maybe I want people to find this. Maybe I want the school to find this. Maybe I want them to ban me from this school. I know that I self-sabotage myself a lot. I deserve all the pain. I want it to hurt. I want to slip further it that hole. In case this doesn't work. In case this isnt the one. I tried so many times. I've failed so many times. this just feels different though. I'm not sad I'm just angry. Not at other people's tho, I won't hurt people. I never will . I'll make sure I die before I ever think of doing that. I'm angry at myself. That's what got me to six pills so far. Being angry. I just know if this doesn't work I'll be in a further deeper hole. If I can just get deeper maybe I can find the strength there. Eventually, something breaks you know. So far it's my sanity. My brain doesn't work anymore. I've made sure of it. I don't want to think. If I think that is where the pain is. Maybe if I go deeper my survival instinct will break. that is the one thing holding me back. That stupid primordial need to survive. I can break that. My brain is mush I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I don't. I just know it won't work. Therapy, talking to people, hope it never does, it will always be a cycle.
I've got myself to 3000 mg which is the recommended amount in a day Anything past that can lead to liver failure. This next to can hurt but I don't think it won't be enough. I need to make sure this works.

(Continuation of this story for more context)
So now I've (2/4 mental projector) traveled to the other side of the world to be with him (5/1 emo mg) while he does a scholarship. More precisely, to a small town in southern Japan, so I thought this is a place where I can isolate without judgment. The only people I talk to besides him are some of his college friends, with whom I join like half of the times. We still had some issues with my social anxiety when meeting "his" people, but it was going pretty well and I was happy to have a lot of alone time while he was on campus. Until his sister came to visit 4 days ago and it all went to shit.
She came to stay in our 2 room apartment for 10 days, I had never met her before (she left our home country long before us) and I wasn't taken into account in the arrangements. I was told she is a closed off person, and certainly one of her first comments was that she "didn't came to socialize". I didn't have a problem with that until I started to feel like I wasn't really invited to anything they did or wanted to do. The first 2 days they spend all day visiting nearby towns, for which I had neither the energy nor the money to spend. They had breakfast before I got up, they cancelled the dinner plans we were making, and at night each of us (my SIL and I) stayed in the separate rooms. There was no attempt to share something with me and bond, and I started to feel invaded by a stranger in my own house. I started to close up myself and not leave my room at all. I couldn't really speak to my partner because in here they have paper walls and didn't want her to hear anything. But I did tell him I was unconfortable. On the next day my partner had to attend classes all day and left us the two alone. None of us left our rooms. By midday I was looking for a room to rent for the rest of the week (nothing I could really afford), and my partner texted me his sister told him she was doing that exact same thing. I asked him for her to leave and she went to a hotel or something at noon.
But this wasn't a happy ending. My partner didn't want her to leave at all, he told me this was a breaking point for him, blames me and only me for not trying to get along with her and join their plans, for not being proactive in the plan making and speak up for myself (which I certainly have a huge block on when it comes to "his" people and my worry to be accepted by them).
And now the questions why I post this story here and not in some drama sub:

• Did I take the "invitation feel need" way too far? How can I be proactive as a projector?
• How do I know if the rejection I feel toward a person is a genuine gut warning and not my insecurities speaking?
• How could I have applied my S&A better in this situation?

Please be honest but gentle, I'm a mess rn, I don't want my relationship to end :( Thank you for reading this far ♥

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Hello there!
I’m an international student who just got accepted to Upenn, but their policy doesn’t allow to “stack” scholarships. Because the Penn Grant isn’t suifficent, my only choice is to apply to external aid that exceeds the Penn Grant. I had a discussion with a Penn FA staff to ask whether I could keep my four-year aid offer if I got an external scholarship larger than the Penn Grant, however, and this is what they’ve said: “You will always be given a financial aid package based on need. The EFC will always remain in place unfortunately.” Now I’m really worried and aren’t exactly sure what this means. I could, of course, always say that I don’t accept the Penn Grant, but then because my international status, I’d probably not be able to apply for it ever again (Upenn is need-aware for intls), and the outside scholarship only has a 15% acceptance rate. Could you help me better understand what their letter means and what should I do next?
Thanks -MG

TL;DR: Likely persistent burnout, depression, grief; no clear solution.
Background: I started to send this message to a friend, but I do not want to interrupt their workday, and am with someone now. I want to be extremely clear: I am not a danger to myself. If you feel like reading this and have any suggestions, I'm all-ears. But I do not have any money, my family is not capable of providing any support to speak of, and I do not think I have ever felt more lost. I grew up under unusual circumstances; a family homestead lived like it was 1850, preparing for The End Times with a couple generations of messed-up branch Pentecostals. We eventually moved off the farm and I went to an elite private school on scholarship, saw a lot of counselors and psychs in the meantime, zero of them ever said one word about autism or ADD, both of which I am clearly afflicted with.
I am not doing well. It's been for a few days now, I was attributing it to not sleeping more than a couple hours, just couldn't, either fall asleep or I'd wake up and be /awake/. Crying jags alternating with blank affect & disassociation. I feel like I am nothing but a problem for anyone in my life, that I am unable to be responsible or care for myself properly, and that I will only continue to hurt people I am near if I continue to be near them.
I want to be really clear here, I am not going to hurt myself, but the only clear desire I have is to go stand outside and rocket out into the aether, just not be.
And I just hate it. I feel like if i get any more upset it'll overwhelm the bonds between the atoms I'm borrowing, and I'll vanish; a sublimation of absolute ennui and a clear, beautiful tone.
I thought it was just so much stress, then the not sleeping, that my brain juice is just so low. I got eight straight hours last night, and I felt like an actual alive person for about an hour this morning, and its back to crying until I hyperventilate and my teeth chatter, cycling to numb for a bit, and back. I've developed these quite painful stimming/tics, I can't seem to quit unless my hands or mind are occupied.
I don't know how much of it is whatever species of grief I have. I know I'm tapped from dad's hospice care and everything: our lack of relationship, his active sabotage and distrust, everything that made me examine about who raised me & how. His situation was entirely of his own making, I could not abandon him to it, to his bipolar wife who kept disappearing for days, and poor choices, being lazy and choosing stagnation for decades over growth, nor could I actually help, beyond undermining my own life to the point of homelessness & joblessness, and that's no help at all, just a different form of self-harm.
I don't feel alone or that no-one cares, I just feel that no-one can help. That whatever path forward may exist is through me, and that I am either blocked from it by some dark magick, some ancestral karmic debt, by my own failings, by a broken mind, poor decisions, bad models for life and love and how to live them. Even listening to Watts, it helps for a few minutes but as soon as its quiet, my breaker of a mind starts anxiety spiraling /with fucking Zen Buddhism. If my life is an agreement I made with myself, a challenge I decided to have for once where I did not understand the answer as I understood the question, why would I select such an onerous grind, rather than a grand adventure? Surely a thrilling and dangerous life as docs w/o borders would've been preferable to... Squidbilly Swamps of Sadness meets Marvin, the Paranoid Android.
I am not numbing out with drugs, though I do have some blotter and shrooms, one hole's worth of K that I'm going to try later; it's been in a little "pull in case of emergency" pouch for a couple of years and I guess, despite the times I've said "let's try this without chemical assistance"; I'm tapped out personally, and it really did help break my depression the first time. I've got a few mg of klonopin too, and considered taking a low dose of that, but it... really messed me up when I took half mg the other week, next day I spent every other hour just... weeping? not like sobbing, but just the very big sads. And then I'd feel fine, and then they'd come back. This surprised me, as I responsibly used it for sleep 1-2 nights a week for years, back when I was depressed.
I've been staying with my girlfriend; she got really upset when she realized I was in my car when I wasn't at her place or with friends. That was a few weeks ago, through the worst of my dad's cancer, and she has been incredibly supportive. She needs me to at the very least spend some time elsewhere, which I get, she isn't a psych facility and she cannot fix any of this, she has done everything she can to support me, but I see it in her eyes, that I've begun to drag her down with me and that she needs some distance. I need it too, to know that I am not grasping the only rope available when I see hope in our future together. My paranoia alone, right now, is caustic enough, and I cannot work on relationship issues & being a reliable person when I only see threats everywhere.
I've thought about calling 988, but I can't imagine what they could do to help. I do not want to be committed anywhere; the idea is terrifying and I don't see emergency psych hold helping me with anything. I know that my logic is broken, that I am paranoid, having very mild anxiety hallucinations (every noise is a threat; the screen door blew in the wind and my only thought was "monsters") and that every logic tree leads to 'unfixable - toxic - dangerous - give up'.
I just don't know what to do. I've been plowing through my day in between emotional outbursts, as much as I am able, and that is... all I can do.

Edit- growing* not grown. Woopsies
I (20 afab 5’2’ 210lbs) have a pretty large abscess from MRSA in my armpit. I've been on bactrim-ds and, after an incision and drainage procedure have been draining it regularly as instructed for three days. Even though my fever and body aches went away, the abscess itself has tripled in size since then. They did an ultrasound at the hospital two days ago and it's right up against the artery that acts as the main blood supply to my arm. It's about the same volume as an apple or water balloon right now, but is all spread out with three or four different connected lumps like some sort of evil cave system under my skin. It's very deep too, under all of the layers of skin and going down about four, maybe more inches into my side (thankfully I'm on the chubbier side so it's not pressing up against my ribs). I live in a single-room dorm with a cat and share a bathroom with one other person, my neighbor.
I almost never get scared for my safety, but I'm absolutely terrified right now. I'm so scared of getting my friends, my neighbor, or my cat sick. I'm so scared of what will happen to me and my body. I've had a good couple injuries and surgeries before, but nothing that delt with such a physically large or important (considering the artery) portion of my body. I already am immune compromised with some pretty bad asthma issues. I take hrt via im injections and am too scared to do my injections because of the MRSA.
The shots and incisions and squeezing and poking around inside with forceps has all been so physically painful already because the doctors can't quite get the lidocaine to numb that deep down. I'm not in the right place physically to handle the mental toll it's having on me. Especially since I'm affording college with a scholarship that is grade-dependent so I financially cannot afford to miss classes and assignments.
The worst part is the uncertainty. The doctors seemed really concerned about the size and depth and speed of growth the abscess has, but when I ask them what will happen to me they just tell me that it'll just go away by itself with the meds. I'm on the spectrum and I really hate surprises, even good ones like presents. I don't want to know worst-case scenarios because I'm not optimistic, I want to know them for the same reason I want to know what presents someone is giving me- so I can be as prepared as possible to mentally and emotionally process them when the time comes. I've tried looking online but I really can't find any information specific enough to my situation to let me know my possible future if oral antibiotics and draining through the incision doesn't work out.
What would happen if it doesn't? Will the infected flesh be surgically removed and how would that look for me- skin graft, a permant change in shape to the area, etc? Could I ask for general anesthesia for that possible procedure because the lidocaine isn't working? How does the proximity to the artery affect my risk level or potential health outcomes? What red flags should I look out for? Can I do my hrt injections safely or is it better to wait until I am mrsa-free? Is my cat really at risk? How can I help keep the bathroom clean from any bacteria so my neighbor is safe? Can I still spend time with my friends and give them a hug? Should I continue to squeeze and try to drain the abscess like the doctors told me or is that a bad idea for MRSA specificly? Are there specific medical procedures, tests, or medications I should ask for or consider? How can I manage this health issue while also dealing with the rest of life's responsibilities? How at risk am I (I don't particularly want to die but I'd rather have my will written than not if it's more than a 1% chance)?
Any advice, assurance, recommendations, etc. would be really super appreciated!
(And I'm not sure if it's helpful or relevant, but the hrt is 200 mg/mL testosterone 0.6 mL every two weeks, and I'm also on prep (truvada I think), Prozac, Concerta, and have an 8-yeat Mirena IUD. I don't want to add a picture because all you'll see is a very swollen armpit with a gross hole cut into it haha)

I know may nakapagpost na tungkol kay relia dito sa sub. Kaya kinamusta ko yung mga ka-wave kong naiwan nung nag-awol ako. Shittttt half of them were illegally dismissed kasama natanggal yung newly hired TL.😭
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Ewan ko ba nabola rin ko ng mga hayop. Yung production nila parang kuta ng pogo yung hitsura. Hindi maayos. Mema mema. When i asked about it sabi nila nakalaan daw yung pera "pangmudmod" sa mga performer.
Ipapakita during interview yung incentives ng mga performer. It will sound like na kaya kahit ng mga newbie na kumita ng 5 to 6 digits as incentives on top ng monthly salary mo. To good to be true talaga kaso nakakasilaw eh. Edi tuloy ako.
Pagstart mo ng training, deputa. Pang-intern lang yung sahod mo for 1 week. Mababa pa nga eh. 59% ng regular daily rate ang pasahod. Minus the promised allowance. PERO NAKAKADECEIVE talaga yung 🌟🌟 with unlimite commision🌟🌟 and PHP100,000 as incentives kaya nagtuloy lang kami.
Pagdating namin sa production, ang konti ng tao. At mukhang come and go lang sila. Yung pinagmamalaki nilang comission are being distributed only to the elite fews. Tapos yung mga tenured na yun nagpakasasa na sa pambubudol.
Narealize ko... Hindi attainable sa newbie yung 100k pangbudol lang nila. Sa mga newbie need mong makabenta ng $15,000 in a month with other metrics para makakuha ng $200.
May benta naman ako bago ako mag-awol kaso di kaya ng konsenya ko magstay sa kumpanyang borderline scammer. Customers were ugly crying just to get refunded.
📩📩📩 BOTTOMLINE/CONCLUSION
❌Budol ang Reliasourcing. Cheap ng training at hindi stable ang employment.
✅ Apply ka na lang sa company na may JO day 1 pa lang ng training. Or may JO na bago ka pa start. JO is a good assurance na ike-keep ng company ang sinabi nila during the application process.
❌ Wag papasilaw sa bait nilang kesyong pagkataas taas na incentive ni ganito or ganyan. Nakakapagtaka naman yung mataas yung incentive pero walang allowance? 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️
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Growing up I always believe na I should take risks in order for me to have no regrets, na sundin kung ano gusto ko at ng puso ko. But now that I’m 27 nearing 28, ewan ko ba pero parang nagregret ako sa mga desisyon ko sa buhay. I was a working student at late naka college kasi walang magpapa-aral kaya nagtrabaho akonagad after high school at 20 na naka-college. Late pa ako nagraduate at na 6 years dahil sa pandemic at takot na baka di ko kayanin magbayad ng tuition dahil sa lay-offs sa company namin kaya mag stop ako at oo aminado ako may part na kasalanan ko rin. Nag-isip isip kasi ako lately, may chance ako mg scholarship na magbibigay ng 8k per sem pero di ko tinuloy dahil sa katamaran ko. May chance ako mag-ipon kahit 500 lang sa MP2 pero mas inuna ko kumain at gumasta ng gumasta at mangutang pag gipit. Mas inuna ko gumala nung nakaluwag na na di nagbabudget at gasta lang ng gasta kasi “deserve ko to”. Ngayon, kahit nakakatamad I’m trying to do what’s right. Nag track na ako ng expenses at nagtitipid. Kasisimula ko palang pero nanlulumo na ako sa mga ginawa ko. Naisip ko kung sana di ako nagpadala sa mañana habit ko ano kaya ako ngayon? 3 years na lang magti-30 na ako pero wala pa akong naipundar. Diploma ko lang ang meron ako. Nakakahiya na nakakapanghinayang. Akala ko tama mga desisyon ko at di magsisi. Wala akong ipon. Parang huli na ata lahat. I admit ngayon, may what ifs and regrets na ako.

"no" seems to be an obvious answer but I'd like to say muna na I am a college student who receives 40k per semester as a scholarship stipend (my tuition is covered with a separate scholarship) and that's what I've been eyeing to use to fund myself. Di rin naman ako magastos na tao, I can cook for myself and super matipid in everything.
moving out is the only way I see that could help me heal mentally (and also to manage the stress of acads, family, everything), as they said nga, you can't heal in the same place you were hurt. IDK if it's too soon, but I don't want things to be "too late".
Another contention I have aside from financial concerns is the fact na I have a younger sister (she's 7) and she's the only reason talaga why I can't leave. I'm afraid she'll experience the hell that I've gone through (and still experiences) in this household. I'm afraid na if wala na ako, wala nang mg lolook after her. But I also think that allowing myself to heal and eventually earn my own money could help both of us find a place together.
Sorry if my thoughts seem too scattered, I cannot articulate myself well enough with the fog that's going on in my head. I hope to receive your advices on how to endure abusive family members and toxic households, and also if you have suggested places I could rent around QC lang. :>

I'll start by saying I'm a 40 year old guy. I grew up in a small coal mining town in Schuylkill County Pennsylvania. I was very athletic and was always climbing the hills behind my house where the coal mines were. I went to a Vocational school in Jim Thorpe and studied automotive technology and I received a scholarship to UTI. I forfeited said scholarship to join the Air Force. I went through the enlistment process and got put on the delayed entry program. My leave date was August 2001, just one month before 9/11. During April of that year I noticed I was feeling really tired, weak, fatigued and I was losing weight like a mad man. I had a horrible pain in my groin area. Went to a urologist and was diagnosed with stage 3 testicular cancer. During further testing, the doctors/specialists discovered that the cancer traveled up into my abdomen and into my lymph nodes giving me lymphoma. I don't recall if it was Hodgkin's or non-Hodgkin's. I had my testicle removed along with multiple lymph nodes. Six cycles of chemotherapy using the drug Doxorubicin, the strongest chemo drug available. I went from a muscular 178 pounds down to 140 pounds. I almost died because my body was rejecting the chemo and the Nulasta to get my white blood cell count up. I was fighting for my life. Literally. It was the toughest thing I thought I'd ever experience. WRONG!
Fast-forward to August of 2022, I woke up with my heart pounding thru my chest. I was shaking like a leaf on a tree, was so dizzy I couldn't stand on my own, the worst pain imaginable behind my eyes, everything I ate made me feel like I was going to die, no exaggerating here. My resting heart rate was around 110 beats per minute and something simple like climbing a flight of stairs made my heart shoot up to 160 beats per minute. My GF had these test kits for Covid so I took two of them and they came back positive. I felt way worse than the chemo ever made me feel. Oh great, another fight for my life. GAME ON!
I was mostly bed-ridden due to weakness, fatigue, crazy tachycardia and a buffet of other 'fun stuff'. Being the person that I am, I don't give up quickly and I don't scare easy and I'm not afraid to take risks, so I started a lengthy experiment with all kinds of vitamins, supplements and physical activity. I'm getting long-winded here so I'll get down to brass tacks:
I take green vein kratom for my nerve/joint/muscle pain. It also calms my heart rate way down when combined with 400 mg of Magnesium Glycinate which I take every evening along with 5,000iu of vitamin D. As of today I wake up and can pretty much get straight out of bed and walk around at will. Resting heart rate around 60 bpm. I have no breathing issues anymore. Brain fatigue is 75% gone. Physical fatigue is 50/50 whereas I can stand and walk around for about a half hour before I start feeling horrible, but I found that if I push through the fatigue and I mean PUSH, something happens inside of me, not sure what it is, but my body starts 'waking up' and I get a burst of energy that pushes me through the rest of the day and I feel 80% of my normal self. It's almost as if to say that my body pushes all of the yuck out, almost like an internal cleansing. I'll wake up the next morning and feel like a million bucks and am able to function with no problems. Here's the kicker: if I sit around for more than two days in a row it's like all that 'yuck' accumulates inside of me again and then I'm back to square one where I can walk around for about a half hour until I get fatigued again and come to the crossroads where I'll either push through it with everything I got or sit back down. Why don't I just stay active all day every day once I push through it? Because I don't know if it's damaging me inside or not. It could be causing havoc on my kidneys, adrenal glands, it could be causing my blood pressure to shoot to dangerous levels.
I've been to one doctor through this whole ordeal and that was to get a full checkup to see what's up. Everything came back normal except my pounding heart rate which the cardiologist wasn't too concerned about.
What I eat: mostly meat and vegetables. Sugar, carbs, caffeine, processed/smoked meats and other junk all make me feel like I've lost three months of progress. I fast for 16 hours a day and I'm convinced this did more for my recovery then anything else. I graze from noon until 8:00 PM. No big meals at once as they cause me to feel fatigued, dizzy and miserable. It took me a few months to work up to a 16 hour fast because initially I felt like I was having low blood sugar attacks from not eating. I slowly trained my body to go 16 hours without eating.
I take one gram of Green Maeng Da kratom every hour that I'm awake, I take a baby aspirin at noon with my first calories for the day, I take 1,000 mg of Vitamin C and like I said earlier I take 5,000iu vitamin D and 400mg of magnesium Glycinate along with 50mg Zinc. That's it. No prescription medicine or weird supplements. I avoid vitamin B supplements like the plague as they make me want to jump off a bridge. Potassium messes with my heart rate at any dosage.
I take a half hour walk everyday at 11:30 and then go home to eat at noon. I do the deck of cards workout at 3:00 on Mon/Weds/Fri to exercise my heart and maintain muscle. I pace myself and the workout takes about an hour. I remember when I could do it in 20 minutes lol.
Don't give up, don't be afraid to experiment with different things. If it works, keep doing it and throw it away if it doesn't. Be persistent in the things that do work. Keep your chin up and try to smile. Don't be afraid to push yourself out of your comfort zone because I'm telling you it's worth it. I've had long Covid for 18 months now and I went from a bed-ridden vegetable on the verge of writing a suicide note to being able to walk around and exercise with an 18 month period.
Keep trying. Listen to your body. Don't go down any rabbit holes and stop googling your symptoms. Find things you enjoy that you're able to do and do them as much as you can. I'm not much of a motivational speaker, in fact I'm what you'd call a dumb Appalachian hillbilly and if I can do it, than so can you. You might not ever recover 100% but take every percentage that you can and don't look back.
Not sure if this matters but I'm not vaccinated. The lymphoma and removal of my lymph nodes cut my immune system in half of what a normal person has, so any kind of vaccine is too risky for me. My PCP even advised against it. Take care everyone and keep fighting the good fight.

Hey guys,I am 19 and I have ADHD and Social anxiety disorder which was diagnosed 2 and a half years ago. I have been taking Vyvanse for 2 and a half years and it has changed my life drastically for the better. I also had been taking an antidepressant called celexa for my anxiety for about a year and a half but it ruined my libido and I became depressed in my first semester of college, so I switched to trintellix 10mg about 2 months ago before starting the second semester, but it kept me up all night so my doctor then put me on wellbutrin 150 mg which I took for 5 days but had to stop bc it made my anxiety worse than it has ever been in my life, and now its been about a week since stopping, and I have been taking my Vyvanse as usual, but it has stopped working almost completely. I am taking 70 mg which I think is a lot already for a 110 pound girl. I also am not on any antianxiety or antidepressant now either until I can see my psychiatrist in a week, so I am basically a complete mess right now. I am honestly scared and driving myself crazy because I don't know what to do if I can't focus like I used to. I can't afford not having perfect grades because I have a scholarship that I cannot lose or I will have to transfer schools, and I was dealing with issues with getting my medicine last semester, which ruined my grades and my gpa, like I fell asleep during 3 midterms because of withdrawal and not having my medicine put me so behind for the rest of the semester. I feel irritable and can focus barely and I am tired which never happened before when I took my medicine. I just really hope it isn't gonna be like this for much longer. I am asking if anyone has been through this or if this can be fixed somehow? Just asking for any advice or experiences. Thank you so much for reading!

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I'm back after 10 days of digesting and applying the feedback. The previous advice helped me immensely. Pubtips please continue to work your magic!
Special thanks to u/iwillhaveamoonbase, u/Ketsiaa and u/mom_is_so_sleepy
Query:
Dear Relevant Agent,
(Personalised intro)
Please allow me to introduce "Guardians of Glyndor: The Three Moons of Eldora," a heartfelt MG Fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words. It’s a whimsical blend of the mythologically diverse world found in Katherine Rundell's "Impossible Creatures and the vivid world-building and coming-of-age journey reminiscent of Jessica Townsend's "Nevermoor."
Jesse is a sixteen-year-old blessed with the remarkable talent for reading people. He never thought it more than a personal quirk, until an encounter with a mysterious lady changes his life. Recognising his gift, she grants him a scholarship to Glyndor, Earth's most esteemed boarding school. There, Jesse finds himself among peers from all corners of Earth, each recruited for their extraordinary abilities.
But Glyndor harbours a deep secret: it has a dual-nature, also serving as a gateway to the land of Eldora, a magical realm where every lore, hero, and mythical creature ever conjured in human imagination originates. Jesse learns of the delicate bond between Earth and Eldora, a symbiotic relationship essential to the survival of both worlds.
He learns that Glyndor's true mission is to train the Guardians of Glyndor, who are sworn to maintain this balance. Eldora is thrown into peril as its legendary beings begin to disappear, threatening to extinguish the magic and wonder that sustains both worlds.
Key to thwarting this is Jesse’s best friend Emily, a gifted Silvertongue with the rare ability to communicate in any language. Amidst their quest to safeguard Eldora, Jesse finds himself grappling with his growing feelings towards her. Together with their friends, they embark on a transformative journey, risking all they hold dear to save not just one, but two intertwined worlds.
First chapter:
The boy with bright blue hair ran for his life. He sprinted as if the wind itself was chasing him, nipping at his heels with invisible teeth.
“Hey! Wait up!” Jelna's voice cut through the din of Tokyo's festival night, an urgent plea lost in a sea of revelry. She manoeuvred through the crowd, eyes locked on the boy’s fleeting form. Around her, the laughter, music, and chatter from the crowd induced a sensory overload. She pushed it to the back of her mind. Her mission on Earth was clear: identify, assess, recruit.
Her instincts screamed that the boy was Glyndor material, but she needed confirmation.
Her boots pounded against the pavement, weaving through the crowd in the festival-strewn streets. Lanterns of every hue swayed overhead, casting a patchwork of shadows that played tricks on her eyes. The air was thick with the smell of street food battling for supremacy, a delicious war for nostril domination. Skewers of yakitori sizzled on open grills. Clouds of steam billowed from ramen stalls. The sweet scent of taiyaki filled the air. Yet, Jelna's focus remained unshakable, her eyes trained on the fleeting figure ahead.
She quickened her pace, agile as she sidestepped a juggler with the grace of a cat avoiding raindrops. The Cosmic Compass in her hand pulsed softly, guiding her through the festival.
In her peripheral vision, she caught a sudden, sinister movement. Shadowy figures were weaving through the crowd with deliberate intent. The Mark of Morwyn was emblazoned on their cloaks – a symbol that made her blood run cold. To think that this boy had inadvertently found himself in the crosshairs of such a group was unsettling. Morwyn's followers here, on Earth? Why were they after the boy too? It was rare for them to venture so far from Eldora.
"Please, you don't understand! You're in danger!" she called out to the boy, her voice strained with desperation. She switched effortlessly to Japanese. Her Silvertongue gift enabled her to plead in the boy's native tongue with a proficiency that would make any language app jealous. “Matte kudasai!”

Here’s my rant. Yes I’m seeing a good therapist. I’m so glad that I found this community on Reddit because I have never met a single soul with uveitis, let alone retinal vasculitis. Besides this, it is idiopathic and everyone in my doctors office is over 70, making me feel even more absurd. I got diagnosed at 19 in April 2022 when I was attempting to become a professional athlete and had a scholarship for D1 collegiate competition. It ruined my career because I was no longer capable of competing and training during my trials of prednisone, cellcept, and azathioprine. Prednisone made me feel like I was being hunted for sport, I can’t handle more than 30 mg without freaking out and having heart palpitations. On cellcept, I was basically bedridden on an extremely low dose and would almost faint every time I stood up. On azathioprine, I survived for 8 months but barely. I was hardly able to physically handle going to class because of fatigue and brain fog, whereas before this, my life surrounded training 15-20 hours a week WITH handling school and traveling.
Essetially, this disease has ruined my life. Despite the fact that I pushed through azathioprine, my vision hit a low point in June 2023 when the inflammation spread to my retina and optic nerve in my right eye. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t handle doing the ozurdex injection awake so I have had to go under anesthesia twice for injections now. The injection in my right eye worked like a charm, but the one in my left eye that I got in October ‘23 caused my eye pressure to elevate in December. I’m now on drops for that.
I have experienced grief over my sport that was previously unimaginable to me, I have only ever experienced grief about loved ones, it is so different to grieve myself. I have dedicated a large portion of my short life to this thing and lost it. My mental health has been so poor, and my personality has changed completely. I have already had a hard life, and I feel like I am 90 years old like the people in my doctors office, going blind and ready to leave. I already struggled to relate to my peers before this disease because of my various traumas and now I am even more of an alien. Without this stupid sport I have nothing. I have no hobbies. I am academically gifted and would love to continue with that, maybe get a PhD, but I’m afraid that I’ll lose my vision and lose another career. I don’t think I can handle losing everything I’ve worked for again. I think the worst thing has been my gradual isolation. At this point, my partner is the only person I enjoy being around. I don’t want to put him in that position. I know I’m the problem if I can’t make friends, but I cannot stand most people my age (I can’t relate to them regardless) and on top of everything I am neurodivergent so I’m not exactly charming. I’m on week 8 of humira right now and have not had any side effects yet! Hoping it helps.
I have started doing things that I enjoyed as a child, reading books that I loved, playing with clay, listening to the same music I loved, etc. just to try to enjoy something. It’s working, and I have been meditating every night and morning, which has helped with nightmares and it even snapped me out of a depressive episode. If anyone has a similar story, it would be great to relate to someone. Thanks for reading if you got all the way down here.

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Diagnosed with sudden hearing loss on Day 7 and started 60 mg Prednisone – is it too late for me to recover? I'm alone abroad
On Tuesday or Wednesday last week, I (28F) started experiencing a constant whooshing noise in my left ear that would get louder with noise. As I was on vacation at home and had just gotten back a few days earlier on a long flight, this did not seem worrying at first (which is why the first day is uncertain). On Day 3, while with family members, the noise became unbearable and I called multiple audiologists to have a hearing test, which could only take place on Day 6 or 7 at the earliest (Canadian health system). Got diagnosed with sudden hearing loss in my left eat. Was by miracle able to find an ENT on the same day, she prescribed 60mg of Prednisone for 10 days, with a hearing test on the tenth day to have an injection directly in the ear if no improvement.
Unfortunately, the same day of my visit to the ENT, I was scheduled to fly to Spain as I was moving there. Everything was already booked and so I went ahead. I'm now on the fourth day of Prednisone (D10 since hearing loss), with a scheduled appointment on in 6 days with an ENT in Barcelona.
So far, there is no improvement and my hearing has further deteriorated. I'm alone here and freaking out, I don't know if I should push for an earlier appointment to get the injection quicker. I'm starting a masters degree on scholarship next Monday here and wondering if I should just cancel everything and go home, where my ENT seemed quite on top of things (she had even asked the hospital for an oxygen room and scheduled an MRI). Not sure if I'll get the same expertise here – does anyone by any chance have experience with healthcare in Spain? Should I press for an injection asap? I'm scared the oral treatment has began too late already...

Hello, I recently got diagnosed with adhd in October. Prior to my diagnosis I have always been a well rounded student, involved and honour roll student.
Getting into university was easy and I got in I did average after first year finishing with a 3.1. In my first year I got depressed, my grandfather died and I was experiencing a really difficult time with my personal relationships.
In my first semester of second year I failed all but one of my classes. Second semester I passed 3 and failed one. I took three courses in the summer and passed two but failed one. I also had a concussion in may. My life is a mess but it seems so rosy.
I am frustrated with life, I can’t seem to do things within deadlines. The meds fixed other aspects for a short period and my depression came back full swing, I stopped taking the meds. Now I take them but the recommended dose does nothing for me (I started doubling it to feel something).
My point is I am struggling and I really need help. Any pointers or tips or support would be great I am scared of loosing my scholarship and not graduating. It would destroy my mother and subsequently me. Most importantly I want life back. I want to control my outcomes I feel like a failure and I feel so helpless. I have been having reoccurring thoughts of taking drastic measures, my therapist told me I am not actually suicidal but I am starting to feel like it. I put so much on my schedule to try and make sure I didn’t get depressed again so I could function. The depression came back with a force, the adhd symptoms were worsened by it. It’s a new year and I don’t want to struggle anymore!

• I am on 30 mg of vyvanse because I also have an eating disorder.
• I am 20( turned 20 in December)
• I have rejected anti depressants because I don’t want that on my metabolism because I know what that will do to my mental health getting bigger than I I currently am. I also don’t want to take brain altering meds