Kyrgyz free dating sites for woman seeking man

Talking about older women/younger men relationships

2013.10.25 14:59 grumpycateight Talking about older women/younger men relationships

READ THE FAQ & RULES BEFORE POSTING OR COMMENTING! A safe space to trade experiences, frustrations, worries, analyze cultural reactions, or just chat with fellow cougars and cubs. Working definition: a cougacub relationship is one where the woman (cougar) is a woman of 40 who at least 10 years older than the man (cub) or woman (kitten). A woman under 40 is a Puma.

[link]

2017.04.01 12:10 kevin32 Where Are All The Good Men?

In response to niceguys, this sub is dedicated to exposing all the women who complain about wanting a "good man", to show what happens when women reject decent men for jerks and promiscuity, along with showing the unreasonable standards many women have while offering little to no value themselves.

[link]

2017.09.09 03:04 LaSirene23 SLF meet ups

This sub is specifically for SBs, SDs, and SMs who are seeking other individuals in the Sugar lifestyle for friendship, freestyling, local platonic meetups, etc. This sub is not intended for those seeking online arrangements, to sell content or solicitation for onlyfans or any other website.

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2024.05.22 02:45 Acrobatic_Fuel9714 How to get over an ex?

I (17f) cannot get over my ex (19m). I thought I was, I compartmentalize our relationship after we broke up to try and get over him and it worked. I stopped crying over him and began to stop thinking of him every day. Our relationship was far from perfect but we loved each other and were always there for each other. I ended up getting pregnant about four months into our relationship. When he found out I was pregnant he wasn’t excited but he wasn’t upset. We continued to stay together for about another 3 months after we found out I was pregnant. My father end up kicking me out so I had to leave the state to leave with my mom and he told me he didn’t want a long distance relationship so we broke up. He ended up getting back into contact with his ex, a nice lady he also got pregnant (whole other can of worms). Well as much as he told me he hated her that ended up getting engaged less than a month after he and I broke up and they got married about 3 months later. He doesn’t talk to me, he has me blocked on everything and the last conversation we had he told me he didn’t want to be in our child’s life. It broke my heart to see him say that. I know he is taken and his wife truly was so kind to me when I couldn’t reach him a while back, I wanted him to return something I had given him but again I’m blocked on everything. She and I truly don’t have any hard feelings towards each other because we he and I dated they were over and when she and he got back together he and I were over, so we’re just two girls that dated the same man at some point. We’re pretty indifferent towards each other. But my ex. Like I said before, I boxed him up in the deepest corners of my mind after he and broke up. I forced myself to focus on every fight we had and not the countless hours in each other’s arms or the “I love you’s” we’d whisper in each other’s ears while being as close as we could. I miss him. I miss his skinny body and his long af neck lol. I miss his tattoos. I miss being loved by him. I could forget and forgive everything he’s ever done if he’d just respond to my message. I’m getting induced next week and he doesn’t even know. But I’m so selfish. I know his wife is a nice woman, but I wish he would have picked me. I wish he would have withstood long distance, but that’s selfish because if he loves her then I need to respect that. I just wish, and I’ll wait. I’ll wait for him. I don’t know. I feel horrible. I love him. But it’s not fair to him, his wife, or my daughter. I just wish I wasn’t so cruel to myself and to him.

submitted by Acrobatic_Fuel9714 to Teenadvice [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:43 ar_david_hh CIA and Soros: Armenia on May/21/2024

16-minute read.

pro-West party leader says they met PM Pashinyan and discussed a referendum to solidify Armenia's shift to EU

KHZMALYAN (European Party of Armenia): The referendum is our suggestion and demand. We presented it to Pashinyan and expect a response within a reasonable timeframe. We advised making a public statement soon. A referendum would also make Pashinyan's job easier by allowing the people's will to decide Armenia's direction.
REPORTER: How did Pashinyan respond?
KHZMALYAN: He suggested the meeting be held in a closed format so I can't reveal all details. We hope that our voice, our offer, our demand, was heard. If we do not receive a positive response, we will take measures by employing the same methods currently used by anti-European forces [the ongoing protests led by pro-Russian ex-regime]. We will take to the streets and demand a referendum for Eurointegration if necessary.
REPORTER: How long are you ready to wait before taking action?
KHZMALYAN: A few months. Georgia will hold parliamentary elections in October, and Moldova will hold a similar Eurointegration referendum - also in October. The U.S. will hold presidential elections in November which will be important for Armenia's future. Even if the worst scenario unfolds in all three countries, Armenia must stand firm and not take a step back. Armenia could become the leader in democracy in all of Eastern Europe if you consider the situation in Georgia, Hungary, and Slovakia [pro-Russia populist leader]. Armenia could receive an unprecedented level of assistance from Europe under those circumstances.
REPORTER: Did Pashinyan say he plans to leave CSTO?
KHZMALYAN: We did not demand specific dates but we urged him to complete all these processes this year, preferably by November.
REPORTER: Did Pashinyan agree?
KHZMALYAN: The participants of the meeting are under the impression that we were able to present convincing arguments but time will show what actions he takes. The government functions very poorly but nevertheless, they are doing something, they are taking steps.
REPORTER: On May 9, Bagrat Galstanyan gave Pashinyan 1 hour to resign but it's May 21 and he is still here. Why wasn't the opposition able to remove him?
KHZMALYAN: The 3 former presidents and their surrogate forces, backed by 30 years of power, were unable to bring forward a figurehead, a single ideology, that could win the hearts of the people. They used various political technologies, they switched between black and white robes, and they extended the 1 hour to 7 days, but none of that helped because the Armenian people hate them more than they hate Nikol Pashinyan.
REPORTER: You used to be a lot harsher on Pashinyan but something appears to have changed in your tone after your recent meeting with him. What is the reason?
KHZMALYAN: We were able to present our demands and the timelines to accomplish them. Unlike the archbishop and the former regimes surrounding him, we did not give "one hour" for Pashinyan to accept our demands; we did not make ultimatums. We believe the current government is carrying out and will carry out the will of the people to overcome the status of a Russian colony and join the ranks of free nations. We did and do see steps [taken by the government] towards this; we cannot ignore this. We saw the Strassbourg, but also Moscow. We saw the [April 5 meeting in] Brussels, but also [the recent meeting between FMs in] Almaty. We are told this is an attempt to "balance" and we understand where they are coming from, but our factions speak on behalf of over 60% of Armenians who view Russia's policies as deadly for Armenia. We expect concrete actions and we have formed a platform to continue this work; there will be petitions and other actions from us. We are ready to assist Pashinyan, who may be constrained due to ongoing negotiations, by being the public voice and saying the things he cannot say. We will continue to work, to pressure, to influence, to demand. Our meetings also continue abroad. We will press on until we reach our goal - the Eurointegration of Armenia. //
Several prominent Western-oriented political parties recently formed an alliance to promote Armenia's Eurointegration.
video,

Pashinyan appoints a ruling party member as a deputy head of the newly formed Foreign Intelligence Service - the Armenian "CIA"

After the 2020 war, Pashinyan said Armenia will need a modern intel agency to gather information and analyze foreign threats, while the NSS -- described as historically a "pro-Russian" agency by many -- will focus on internal matters.
source,

Pashinyan met the deputy head of the United States CIA to discuss bilateral, international, and regional issues

A delegation led by David Cohen is in Yerevan. Cohen also met NatSec Armen Grigoryan.
source, source,

Armenia's Investigative Committee chief hosted U.S. Deputy Assistant Secretary in the Bureau of International Narcotics and Law Enforcement Affairs

Qyaramyan and Yoder discussed bilateral cooperation, the recent retraining for Armenian agents and technical assistance, cooperation between law enforcement agencies of Armenia and the United States, anti-narcotrafficking, and the fight against gender-based violence.
Yoder also met Armenia's Interior Minister Ghazaryan to discuss the ongoing police reforms and formation of new divisions, the fight against narco-trafficking, technical assistance for rescuers, and retraining courses. Yoder emphasized effective cooperation, noting that the achievements within the framework of sectorial reforms are exceptional. The US wants to expand the agenda of cooperation.
source, source,

Armenian army officers continue to take part in NATO exercises titled Regex 2024 held in Moldova

GOOGLE TRANSLATE: The exercise is organized with the support of the NATO Joint Forces Command in Naples, Italy, and aims to train the military according to Western standards for planning and conducting exercises, crisis management, strengthening and assessing the level of interoperability of forces in a multinational environment.
We remind you that the exercise "Regex 2024" consists of several workshops during the current year. The first workshop took place between February 16 and March 1, and the second between 22 − April 26, 2024. //
source, source,

NATO and Armenia strengthen cooperation in defense education

Armenia's defense ministry representatives recently visited NATO headquarters to discuss NATO’s Defence Education Enhancement Programme (DEEP) for Armenia.
NATO: The DEEP programme is an excellent tool to support Armenian military education system reforms and strengthen the country’s cooperation with NATO.
ARMENIA: With the support of DEEP experts we implemented major changes in all levels of our educational curriculum at Military Academy, starting from cadets up to the most senior levels. It helped us to establish cooperation with many international partner institutions.
source,

Armenia is an emerging destination for UK and global investors: Armenia's Ambassador to London Business Matters

👔 Armenia is committed to building a knowledge-based, export-oriented, and inclusive economy.
👔 Armenia is diversifying its growing economy with pioneering sectors, creating ample investment opportunities.
👔 Armenia’s investment legislation grants equal treatment to foreign investors
👔 There are no restrictions on remittances and repatriation of profits, free exchange of foreign currencies and no limitations on staff recruitment
👔 The country’s favorable business climate and ‘open-door’ policy is also reflected in international reputable rankings where Armenia is ranked one of the highest in the region.
👔 Although Armenia has a relatively modest internal market, it offers different models of economic cooperation and serves as a gateway to major world markets
👔 Armenia has maintained a high level of cooperation with the EU through CEPA
👔 Armenia and UK will soon have a CEPA-like agreement
full article, source,

Turkey modernizes an Azerbaijani Su-25ML jet with guided bombs and Teber missiles

It uses KGK laser guidance for missiles and increases the reach to 110 km.
source,

Pashinyan's Chief of Staff hosted the French Ambassador to discuss defense, economy, infrastructure, and humanitarian topics

... also the upcoming events dedicated to the 100th anniversary of Charles Aznavour.
source,

Parliament Speakers of Armenia and Ukraine discuss the situation in the South Caucasus and Ukraine

source,

Q&A with ruling party MP Vahagn Alexanyan about the ongoing protests led by pro-Russian opposition

REPORTER: You continue to criticize the "holy movement"...
ALEXANYAN: The what now?
REPORTER: ... the "holy movement", by calling it a "pagan" movement. What is the ruling party's stance and do you discuss this internally?
ALEXANYAN: Of course we do, although I don't think Kocharyan's decision to name this movement "holy" is helping them. It's comical.
REPORTER: Do you have proof that Bagrat srbazan is [tied with Kocharyan]?
ALEXANYAN: Bagrat Galstanyan is surrounded by the entire political team of Robert Koharyan, he was a member of Kocharyan's 2022 protests and gave similar speeches he gives today, he received a praise from Russian propagandists, and he was named by a Russian propagandist Aram Gabrielyanov as a potential candidate for a new protest movement just a few months prior to these events, so it's beyond reasonable doubt that Bagrat Galstanyan is part of Kocharyan's team.
REPORTER: You were earlier accusing Galstanyan of being a Russian agent, and now Kocharyan's agent?
ALEXANYAN: Same thing.
REPORTER: The opposition gathered many thousands of supporters on May 9. What does the size of the crowd indicate?
ALEXANYAN: It was similar to Kocharyan's final rally before the 2021 elections. And?
REPORTER: The opposition created a video of "Pashinyan's lies" and broken promises. Will you respond?
ALEXANYAN: The clip itself is a lie and manipulation. For example, one of the supposed lies was Pashinyan's promise of an amnesty for overdue fines and penalties. You are a journalist, you tell me, was there an amnesty or not?
REPORTER: Pashinyan had also said that POWs could wait "just a few more months" and that he wouldn't "sacrifice Armenia's sovereignty" in exchange for bringing them back sooner. Why aren't they back?
ALEXANYAN: Dozens of POWs returned home in December, and efforts continue to bring back the rest. Literally 1-2 days before the POWs' return, the opposition claimed that the POWs were "forgotten" by the government. "Ոչ մի բան չեք անում:"
REPORTER: What about the Nagorno-Karabakh leadership?
ALEXANYAN: There are efforts to return them as well.
REPORTER: Why did the police form a wall to block entry to village Kirants [for nonresidents]?
ALEXANYAN: I think the NSS said they had to take action to prevent interference with the border work. From what I can tell, the protest leader himself went there yesterday and returned only 15 minutes later so there wasn't a big desire to stay there apparently.
REPORTER: They plan to hold a big rally on May 26 where they might nominate Bagrat srbazan as the PM's candidate to replace Pashinyan.
ALEXANYAN: Why not go straight for [alleged narco baron] Mihran Poghosyan [who publicly praised the protests]?
REPORTER: There appears to be a consensus around Bagrat srbazan after a meeting between several forces.
ALEXANYAN: Consensus minus one, where "minus one" is the people. Or to be more precise, "minus two", because the Constitution also prohibits Bagrat from serving as a prime minister. Congratulations on an initiative that's dead on arrival. It's absurd. They suggested replacing the Constitution to allow a dual citizen to serve as PM. Okay... To get Canadian citizenship you have to take an oath to serve the best interests of Canada. To allow dual citizens to serve as PM in Armenia we have to accept for the PM to have loyalty towards another state. The alternative is for the candidate [Bagrat] to admit that his word [oath to Canada] wasn't worth a dime. Երևի մատերը խաչ արած ա երդվել։
REPORTER: But don't you think you are manipulating because Galstanyan received Canadian citizenship just to be able to serve in the church in Canada? He didn't go there to live or conduct business.
ALEXANYAN: It doesn't matter why he went to Canada. He is a citizen of Canada and took an oath. Even religious leaders with dual citizenship cannot become prime ministers. I don't have an issue with him being a dual citizen, but it limits his office options. He still hasn't renounced his Canadian citizenship even after all these talks about a possible nomination.
REPORTER: Galstanyan said he is ready to renounce it as soon as there is a need for it.
ALEXANYAN: In other words, he seeks "guarantees" that he will be the candidate in order to renounce it?
full,source, source,

opposition churchman Bagrat Galstanyan demands the Armenian government compensate the damage done to the church during USSR and "return" the properties "legally belonging" to the church

This was said as a response to the critics of the church leadership who accused the church of turning into a political party and suggested taxing the church like a business.
BAGRAT: We have 19th-century churches that were forcefully confiscated and turned into ruins. The properties of the Armenian church must be returned to the church. The area of Moscow Cinema belongs to the church, half of the Katoghike Church was demolished and belongs to the church, and part of the items in Matenadaran were taken away from the church. Instead of threatening us with taxes, they must think about how they plan to return our properties, fully renovated and ready for service.
source,

the church is actually paying taxes but they do have some exemptions

The church paid $1 million in income taxes last year.
There are tax exemptions to import certain goods deemed for charity. They also don't pay property tax, and taxes on income generated from the sales of ceremonial accessories. The latter two are the frequent targets of church critics.
source,

Armenia's Constitutional Court has a vacant seat. Pro-Russian opposition criticizes Pashinyan's ruling party for favoring a "George Soros-linked" judge who worked for U.S. State Department.

A Serj-era judge is leaving the Constitutional Court after receiving a job offer elsewhere so one seat is vacant. It is the judiciary's turn to nominate a CC judge, so hundreds of judges recently held a meeting and voted for Judge Balayan as their candidate. Balayan's father was a CC judge during Kocharyan's tenure. He was accused in the Wikileaks report of having inappropriate deals with President Kocharyan. Pashinyan's ruling party did not vote to approve Balayan. This led to a second gathering of hundreds of judges where they voted to nominate Judge Khachaturyan as their candidate. The parliament summoned him for Q&A on Tuesday.
SPEAKER: We invite the representative of the judiciary to present their nominee for CC.
JUDICIARY REP: 267 judges voted. Judge Davit Khachaturyan, a member of the Criminal Chamber of the Court of Cassation, won the majority votes.
2000-2005: [blah blah blah]
2003-2006: Legislative Assistance Project Manager at Southern Caucasus Anti-Drug (SCAD) Program, sponsored by European Union and implemented by United Nations Development Program
2006: Program Assistant at U.S. Embassy in Armenia, Bureau for International Narcotics and Law Enforcement Affairs (INL)
2007-2013: U.S. Embassy in Armenia, U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ), Legal Specialist
2014: Academy of Justice of the Republic of Armenian-Russian, Vice-Rector and Lecturer
2015-2016: Council of Europe Office in Yerevan, Program “Strengthening Health Care and Human Rights Protection in Prisons in Armenia”, Legal Expert
2016: EU project “Development and Strategic Studies”, Expert on Judiciary and Human Rights field reforms
2015-2017: EU project “ENP Progress Reports and Assessment Reports on Armenia´s Compliance with GSP+ obligations”. Expert on Rule of Law/Justice.
2013–2020: Law Faculty of Yerevan State University. Lecturer. Development and teaching of courses for the Master Program: “European Standards for the human rights protection in criminal proceedings”, and “Professional Skills of a Lawyer”
etc.
OPPOSITION MP: The ruling faction earlier chose not to confirm the appointment of Judge Davit Balayan; they obviously prefer Davit Khachaturyan. Can you explain why you didn't mention that Khachaturyan served on the board of directors and later as the president of the board at George Soros's Armenia-based Open Society Foundations? How will this record impact his work at CC?
JUDICIARY REP: I presented parts of his professional activities available on the court's public platforms. You can ask the candidate directly.
OPPOSITION MP: The Soros Foundation publicly listed him as a member so I don't understand why it's being hidden now. In your opinion, how will his work at the Soros Foundation affect his impartiality?
JUDICIARY REP: The majority of judges chose him and it's up to Parliament whether to confirm or reject.
RULING MP: Was the voting held in a closed session or can you see how each judge voted?
JUDICIARY REP: It's a closed format. My duty here is to present the candidate. [basically, leave me alone I'm just doing my job]
RULING MP: Why not make the court voting and internal discussions more transparent for the public to see so we will have fewer conspiracy theories on why one judge was preferred over the other?
JUDICIARY REP: I share the view that it needs to be as public as possible but the majority of judges voted to keep the session closed to the press.
RULING MP: Just because the discussions and the vote were behind closed doors that doesn't mean it was anti-democratic, but still, it's better to publicize the process. We hope to see a change in this approach.
JUDICIARY REP: The ballot casting will always be secret and I think that's the right approach in order to allow judges to express themselves without constraints, but I agree that the discussions and speeches should be public. Either way whatever we discuss behind closed doors always reaches the press so in practice there isn't really a major transparency issue there.
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: First, every part of my biography has always been public and part of public discussions. Second, I have always voted in favor of making internal discussions open to the press; it's the best way to avoid incorrect assumptions. Full speech here.
OPPOSITION MP: Congratulations. The ruling party intends to approve your candidacy just as they voted for you in the past for other positions. In all of those instances, you didn't mention your work at the Сорос Foundation. Now, a very interesting coincidence [drumroll... are you guys ready for this bombshell?], during the same time while you worked at Сорос foundation, in 2006-2013, you were also a U.S. Embassy employee [got 'em]. //
Nikol Pashinyan has resigned.
Tavush stretches all the way to Russia.
Bagrat srbazan becomes the Supreme Leader of Historical Soil & Water and the Generalissimos of Slow-Melting Candles... and of course removes the speed cameras from highways.
OPPOSITION MP (continues): With this biography, how do we know you are not an agent of foreign influence?
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: I was not an "employee" at the Soros Foundations. Other famous figures have served on the Board [mentions a famous doctor]. Everyone who was part of the Board had duties but it was not really an "employment". As for my simultaneous work with the U.S. Justice Department, there was no conflict with my membership or presidency at the Board because the latter was fully a public activity and we were only given a symbolic sum to compensate for our expenses; we are talking about less than $100/mo. I will let you be the judge regarding an agent of influence. There is a lot that's missing from my biography that read here [lists some boring constitutional research work, etc.].
OPPOSITION MP: You keep being "promoted" by the ruling party without having the chance to finish your terms. The longest job you've ever held was at the Сорос Foundation - 8 years. The brother of the head of the Anti-Corruption Committee, who is about to join the CC, cannot be impartial. Again, what guarantees can you present that you are not a [Western] agent?
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: Your expectation for guarantees stems from the assumption that the [Open Society Foundations] were engaged in activities other than the ones they were actually engaged in. I won't present any "guarantees" because there is no "threat" to begin with. As I've said, that part of my biography has always been discussed publicly and the activities were public and covered by the press.
RULING MP: In your speech you spoke about the judiciary in the U.S. and brought examples. The U.S. doesn't have a Constitutional Court. Don't you think we should also merge the Constitutional and [Cassations Court] with the upcoming referendum to have one Supreme Court with corresponding chambers?
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: I support having one unified body like in the U.S., or clarifying the duties to prevent each body from interfering with the other. Lengthy answer.
OPPOSITION MP: A person [in Kirants] received permission [from USSR] to build a house and live in it. Then the [Armenian] government told him there was a mistake [after the clarification of borders]. Some 50 years after this incident, what would your verdict be in this case?
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: I understand the context. This issue is the task of the Prime Minister and Foreign Minister and we cannot interfere in each other's institutions. I assume there will be a peace agreement eventually that will be sent to the Constitutional Court for examination, therefore I will refrain from making prejudgments now in order to be allowed to take part in future processes.
full video, source, source,

anti-corruption: Armenian authorities conclude that luxury Dubai property belonging to former regime MP's relative was not obtained illegally by him therefore will not be sized as part of an asset forfeiture case

Mher Sedrakyan (Tokhmakhi Mher) is a Serj-era MP whose family is going through an asset forfeiture case worth ֏7.5 billion ($19.3 million) that includes 22 real estate properties, cars, and company shares registered under his name and the names of immediate family members.
Additionally, investigative journalists recently found a luxury property in Dubai registered under the ex-MP's relative. Authorities have concluded that he is not the true ownebeneficiary of this Dubai apartment, therefore it won't be seized.
source,

the army concludes exercises for commanders

Context in May 14 news digest. The defense ministry says they have noted improvements and deficiencies and will take steps to correct them.
source,

Defense Minister Papikyan visited the frontlines and the newly built fortifications: PHOTO

The army continues to dig, asphalt, and build.
source,

Armenia's Foreign Minister met the head of the International Atomic Energy Agency during an international forum

ROSSI: Effective cooperation has been established between Armenia and the IAEA. We discussed several issues on the bilateral agenda, oncology and radiation medicine, safety, and reliable operation of the Armenian NPP.
MIRZOYAN: We plan to extend the lifespan of Metsamor NPP until 2036 while exploring new opportunities.
source,

Armenian lawyers went a strike on Tuesday to protest a bill that would move them from a turnover tax-based system to a VAT-based taxation

Context on the gray economy and why the government wants to gradually abolish the turnover tax system in May 2 news digest.
A group of lawyers said on Tuesday that their 5% turnover tax [for annual turnover under ֏119M] will become 10% this year, and in 2025 they will be required to switch to a 20% VAT/18% profit tax. The cost of legal services for many clients could increase by over 38%, they warned.
The Ombudsman and the Justice Ministry reportedly oppose this bill by the Finance Ministry.
source, source, source, source,

video shows the new payment terminals in Yerevan subway station

They plan to replace all gates next month. The Soviet-era tokens (zheton) are being replaced with QR codes, an app, and later - bank cards.
All stations will have payment terminals to purchase QR tickets. It prints out a paper with QR. Telcell's app lets you buy a ticket and instantly get a QR on the phone's screen.
Seniors who can't use "high-tech" can approach the token sellers and get a QR paper instead of a token.
video,

Yerevan will host an exhibition on Charles Aznavour’s 100th anniversary

Hundreds of rare artifacts will present the life and legacy of the legendary artist.
Location: National Museum-Institute of Architecture
Date: May 22-July 22
source,

Germany wants to purchase an Armenian man

Dortmund Borussia is interested in the services of Armenian national Edward Spertsyan as a replacement for departing Marco Reus.
During this season, midfielder Spertsyan has played 32 matches, scored 11 goals, and made 7 assists. His ass is worth €18 million.
source,

submitted by ar_david_hh to armenia [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:39 noahschnappcountdown Black women face more classism than racism.

I know that this is a controversial opinion, but as someone with two sisters, I can't help but notice that racism towards black men is always more aggressive. I understand that both black men and women experience racism in our lives, but it seems that black men face more. In my honest opinion, black women face more classism rather than racism. By this, I mean that I have two sisters:
one is overweight with pink braids, long nails, shows a lot of skin, and always speaks her mind. She often complains about having a hard time finding a job, how no one wants to hire her because she's black, and how she struggles to find a relationship because Latin individuals are preferred by black men. On the other hand, my other sister is skinny, has European features, straight hair extensions, a more stockholm style, and behaves in a more refined manner compared to my other sister. I have noticed that she has an easier time finding jobs, often getting hired by the same places that rejected my other sister. She also has an easier time making friends and getting into relationships, and is generally treated better. Both of my sisters are black, with the same skin color and everything, which has led me to believe that black women face more classism than racism. I understand that racists will say that black women are ugly, ghetto, undesirable, and loud. However, when it comes to black men, they will say all sorts of horrible things. I acknowledge that both forms of discrimination are equally bad, but would you rather be seen as ugly or a thief?
Recently, I found myself going down a rabbit hole and stumbled upon a very racist website. I won't mention the name, but whenever they post about a black man, it's always filled with racist content. According to them, there is an 80% chance that a black man is a felon. If you date a black man, you will supposedly end up being a single mom. They also claim that black men look like monkeys, are dangerous, and say other racist remarks. However, there is rarely any mention of black women. When I search for information about black women, I come across posts like "black husband and white wife have the highest divorce rates," while "black wife and white husband have the lowest divorce rate among interracial couples." I know it may seem like I'm searching for evidence, but I genuinely believe that a skinny black woman with European features is less likely to face racism than a black man. What I'm trying to say is that if a black woman dresses more elegantly, focuses on losing weight and getting fit, and behaves in a more refined manner, she will be treated much better than black men.

submitted by noahschnappcountdown to blackmen [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:39 a_modest_espeon [H] Lots of Games, Please Look [W] Games(See Below)/Offers, Wishlisted Items, and Paypal

I am currently taking paypal for games, you always go first and cover fees
For game trades, you always go first and message me, usually it takes me about 1-2 days to get back to you at the latest
My Rep Page has not been updated in about 5 years, but I have a lot of trades finished
Bolded items are just the ones I would like to consider keeping so don't feel as though you need to offer more for the game
Wants
Oneshot
Subnautica
Stellaris (and dlc)
Wishlist Items
Have
A Plague Tale: Innocence
ADOM (ANCIENT DOMAINS OF MYSTERY)
Bridge Constructor Portal
Chivalry 2 - Epic Edition
Deep Rock Galactic
Disco Elysium - The Final Cut
Doom Eternal
Elite Dangerous
Endless Space 2 - Digital Deluxe Edition
Ghostrunner
Honey I Joined a Cult
Lost Ruins
Mass Effect Legendary Edition (temporarily unavailable)
MONSTER TRAIN (FIRST CLASS - COLLECTORS EDITION)
OUTWARD + THE SOROBOREANS AND OUTWARD SOUNDTRACK
PATHFINDER: WRATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS
Rebel Inc: Escalation
REMNANT: FROM THE ASHES - COMPLETE EDITION
SCP:Secret Files
SHOTGUN KING: THE FINAL CHECKMATE
Songs of Conquest
Spyro™ Reignited Trilogy
Surviving Mars
THE OUTER WORLDS: SPACER'S CHOICE EDITION
Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales
VALKYRIA CHRONICLES 4 COMPLETE EDITION
Wasteland 3
Yakuza 4 Remastered
20XX
7 Grand Steps

observer (x3)

A Good Snowman is Hard to Build
A Juggler's Tale
A Mortician's Tale
A New Beginning - Final Cut
Aaero
Aces and Adventures
AER Memories of Old (x2)
Age of Wonders III
Ageless
Agents of Mayhem
AI War: Fleet Command
Alien Spidy
Aliens:Fireteam Elite
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2024.05.22 02:38 a_modest_espeon [H] Lots of Games, Please Look [W] Games(See Below)/Offers, Wishlisted Items, and Paypal

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2024.05.22 02:37 NeoIsTheChosen1 My (24M) girlfriend (22F) left me feeling unattractive and unworthy of love. I feel like I won’t find anyone better. How did you get over “the one” that got away?

My girlfriend and I were together for two years, part of it was long distance. We were previously good friends for 5 years, then she was the one that caught feelings and pursued me first. During our relationship she always told me things like “I’m the one”, we talked about how we would get married and grow old together, she made so many promises that she was 100% sure of me and that she’d never leave. She would say things like “we’ve known each other in every lifetime”. We got together even though I was leaving for a masters study, she said she thought she’d never do long distance again but for me it was worth it, bc she was 100% sure I’m the guy she wants. I left a week after we got together, and I was gone for about a year. During that time we visited once a month, it was always great. I eventually moved back and we spent another year together in person. I’m sorry if this post is too long.
She ended things about a month ago. During the breakup she gave me very vague answers so I couldn’t get the closure I needed. I decided to reach out a week after the breakup to ask why she did it, and what she said killed me inside.
She said that she knew we were compatible and I’m an amazing person but felt like she was settling for me, and she didn’t want to live her life like that when she thinks she can find something better. She said she believes in that soulmate connection with one person when you know deep inside you that this is “it”, and she didn’t feel like that with me, she didn’t think I was “it”. But we did say to each other during the relationship that this was “it”, she told me so many times that I’m the one, so I don’t know how a flip just switched in her brain. She also said she realized she didn’t love me in the way “real love” is, and maybe she just loved the idea of me. She said she always felt the need to be accepted and loved by people and I made her feel like that. She said when you truly love someone you’d sacrifice things for them, and she wouldn’t sacrifice things for me. She said she was forcing herself to be comfortable around me, and it wasn’t the type of comfort that it should be with “the one”.
How the fuck does it take you two years to realize you don’t love someone in the way “real love” is? Especially after all the emotional intimacy we shared. How could you be uncomfortable with me? I was her first kiss, her first hand hold, she said she was saving those things for the right person and she did them with me. Why would she feel like shes settling for me when she’s the one that pursued me first? She went all out to “get me” and be in a relationship with me. Am I really the type of guy that gets settled for? That hurts like hell. She said she was having all these thoughts during the last 4 months of the relationship. But literally a month ago, I felt that she’s been a bit cold, and I asked if everything was okay. She said “nothings wrong, I’ve been really stressed with school/work. But nothings wrong with us, maybe something’s just wrong with me with all the stress. But we’re good, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I’d ever give up on us, I’d never do that. Don’t worry I still love you and I’ll always be here.” She said that word for word. So she was lying to me? Why would you lie instead of communicating openly? If she had told me she was having those thoughts it would’ve been easier for me, but she gave me that reassurance and then blindsided me a month later. I told her it’s normal to lose feelings in a relationship after a while, that eventually that initial spark or honeymoon phase ends, and that’s when the real relationship starts and you work on building a life together. Love eventually becomes a choice and not just a feeling. But she said she wouldn’t lose feelings with the right person. Now I’m the wrong person when she literally told me a million times that we were always meant for each other. I told her I think she’ll end up being disappointed when she realizes there is no “one” person that gives you that magical feeling for life, you eventually reach a point where you have to choose that person everyday. Relationships are hard and most of them end up losing that initial spark, but it’s an opportunity for a new kind of love to blossom, a love based off commitment and loyalty to each other. That’s the only way a relationship can last forever. And during our relationship we even acknowledged that fact together and we told each other that if the feelings fade we will always choose each other no matter what happens. It makes no sense to me. And if she actually lost feelings and fell out of love, that’s fine. But to say she never loved me in the way “real love” is, that makes no sense to me and it’s killing me inside. Have I just been blind and stupid the entire relationship? How does it take TWO YEARS to realize that? She said to me, “maybe you can choose someone and settle for them and learn to love them, but I believe there’s one person out there that is meant for me and when I find them I will know it deep inside me.” Yea, I believed that too. I believed it because I thought it was you. Just because I chose you doesn’t mean I’m settling for you or learning to love you. I thought you were meant for me. It’s so ridiculous I don’t understand, she used to be so sure that I was the one, she knew it deep inside her that I was. And now she’s saying that when she finds it, she’ll know. Well you knew it with me and now you don’t.
Part of me understands why she lost feelings, we didn’t really have a strong base. We were together for only a week before I left for a year. I feel like it wasn’t enough time for the physical attraction to build up and to get to know each other in person. By the time we visited each other, a lot of time had passed and the spark wasn’t the same as the beginning, it was kinda awkward at first. We got into a serious committed relationship talking about future marriage, before we ever hugged each other. She was scared to kiss me, maybe that’s why she said she was forcing herself to be comfortable. But eventually we kissed and it was great. During the visits it felt like everything was going great and that our relationship was getting stronger. I didn’t think that she was uncomfortable. I feel like if we had done all the intimate things in the beginning, we would have a base to build off of and the spark would be alive.
Also I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong. I’m just certain that it’s my fault, that I made her lose attraction. Maybe I wasn’t manly enough or attractive enough. Maybe I was too boring or uninteresting or too “stable”. Being in love with someone basically means you have to be sexually attracted to them first, that’s what separates family love from romantic love. Maybe I didn’t do enough to keep her attracted to me, so she felt like she lost feelings. It was really hard with the distance. I tried, I really tried. I would always flirt and tease her, I tried not to let the relationship feel like it was a platonic friendship over time. I was always confident and “manly” with her, I stood my ground when she did things I didn’t like, I wasn’t needy. We sexted and video called all the time. I always planned amazing dates. I tried to keep the fun alive. I don’t know what else I could’ve done to keep her attracted. I truly feel like if we had been in person the whole time, it would’ve worked and she would’ve still been attracted to me. It’s just different when you’re there physically. But we both knew this, we acknowledged that it was gonna be hard and the feelings may fade, but we said we’d always choose each other no matter what. Maybe it was inevitable with the distance, but at the end she said it wasn’t because of the distance, she believes with the right person the distance wouldn’t matter. So I just wasn’t the right person for her, I was for a while, but I let her lose attraction for me. Your view on love and attraction may differ, but I learned that it’s the guy’s responsibility to keep a woman attracted, it’s about how he acts and behaves that keeps her attracted. So it’s my fault she lost attraction, it’s something I did. For example when I look back at the first visit, a mistake I made was asking to kiss her instead of just going for it. She said no, maybe because I came off as unconfident and that turned her off. I was so nervous during the first visit because there was so much expectation built up inside my head. Maybe that prevented me from being able to genuinely enjoy myself around her and attract her. Eventually though, we got comfortable with each other and we kissed and it was great. I felt the spark was there. I don’t think she met someone else, I asked her and she said no. Yea maybe she could’ve lied, but i know her and I don’t think she would do that. She said “you know me, I would never allow myself to do that while I’m in a relationship. The reasons are solely because I don’t feel in love with you anymore.”
We hit a little rut near the end because we were both very busy, but I didn’t think it was concerning because she always gave reassurance and made it seem like everything is fine. It feels like shit hearing that someone was settling for me. Why wasn’t I enough? I keep looking back and thinking what I could’ve done different to keep her attracted. I keep nitpicking at myself and feeling insecure about the way I am. She was so sure of me in the beginning so I must’ve done something along the way to make her lose feelings. She let me tear my walls down and trust her fully, then she left. It feels like I’m not worthy of love because she saw something in me and decided she didn’t want me. What hurts the most is that to me, she was “it”, to me she was the one. And she said that to me too and I believed her. I felt that she truly meant it when she said that. She would tell me she was always attracted to me and had feelings during our friendship but she “locked them in a box” because she was too afraid. She even told me that I was a walking green flag and that I was perfect and I did nothing wrong. It hurts to know she thinks that yet she still decided she didn’t want me. It kills to know that one day she’ll get married, he’ll get to hold her and kiss her and have a family, and it won’t be with me. I can’t stand the thought of her being intimate with someone else. And it’s the thought that, whoever she ends up with, will be better than me in a way. She will love him more than she loved me. He will make her feel what I couldn’t make her feel. And I’m blaming myself so much that I couldn’t make her feel like that anymore. I’m grieving the future that we both planned together. I feel so betrayed, I feel like shit. Most of all I just really miss her, we knew each other for 7 years and now we’re just strangers again.
I’ve been hurt before, I’ve had a few breakups, but this one hurts the most. I don’t know what it is about this girl that makes me feel like I’ll never find anyone better. I know that time heals everything but I feel like this has damaged me on a deep level, I feel like I can’t let my walls down again. I don’t want to love again and risk getting hurt. I can’t invest myself fully into someone if I’m always afraid they’re going to blindside me. I know a breakup shouldn’t define your self worth, but it’s just the idea that the person I loved doesn’t see herself spending her life with me anymore, that makes me feel really bad. It’s the thought that she saw something in me that made her decide she doesn’t love me. She analyzed our relationship and thought “I want someone better”. The thought that it’s my fault, that it’s something I did. I didn’t have enough “game”. I couldn’t keep her attraction high. I can’t stand the idea of her getting married one day and finding her “it”. Of course I want her to be happy but I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t kill me inside.
Nobody is perfect but she was close to it. She’s such a rare breed, she had everything I wanted in a woman and it’s so hard to come by. I wish I had a reason to hate her but she’s genuinely an amazing person. She did nothing bad to me, we barely fought and when we did it was very gentle. Our entire relationship was pretty much perfect up until the end. I’ve never been with someone that was this compatible with me. She’s the kindest human, she’s intelligent, she’s very mature, she’s beautiful inside and out, she’s very warm and gentle. And the fact that she’s such a sweet and genuine person makes it way harder. If she had cheated or something I think this would’ve been easier on me, because I’d see her as a bad person. But she’s not a bad person. It hurts way more knowing that she was feeling like she wanted to end things, but at the same time she was trying to convince herself to love me, because she didn’t want to hurt me. She didn’t want to break her promises, she was trying so hard not to, but in the end she couldn’t lie to herself anymore. Why do I have to feel like someone has to convince themselves to love me? Why does someone have to force themselves to believe I’m the one? Why can’t anyone ever just truly believe it with their entire soul, that they want to be with me. When I asked for reassurance and she told me she still loved me and would never give up, she was trying to convince herself because she didn’t want to hurt me. It was all lies. Every “I love you” in the last 4 months was a lie. I feel like such an idiot that I was sitting there for the past 4 months thinking that everything was going great. She was just faking her affection the whole time. Imagine hearing that someone was forcing themselves to love you. No one was forcing you! The exit door has always been open, no one forced her to stay, no one forced her to pursue me in the first place. I told her many times that I just want truth and transparency in our relationship, yet she hid all of those things. She said she hid them because she cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me, and she was trying to make it work. But if she truly cared for me, she would know that I deserve honesty, I deserve to know the truth even if it hurts. I don’t deserve to live in a lie. If she cared for me she would let me go find someone who truly loves me, instead of just pretending to love me. By lying, she was only caring about herself, to relieve herself of the guilt. The breakup would’ve been way smoother if she just told the truth from the start, but now I feel like an idiot who sat there for 4 months thinking that everything was going well, when in reality it wasn’t.
There’s so many things I loved about her. I loved the way she cries during every movie, she thinks she’s too sensitive but I think it’s beautiful to feel your emotions that deeply. I loved the way her face lights up when she smiles. I loved how she would call me just to tell me silly little things about her day. I loved her curiosity and wonder for the universe. I loved how she would run into my arms when she saw me. She just understood me, and I understood her. I can’t hate her, I wish I could, but I just love her with all my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Even when 20 years pass and I’m over this and we’re both married to other people, I will still love her and wish the best for her. I miss her so much, I miss talking to her. I know we can't be friends, but I really wish I could still have her in my life. But I shouldn't wish that I guess, because she decided she wants to live her life without me in it. I can’t believe she could decide to lose me forever when she always said she could never live without me.
The worst part is, I reacted to the break up very emotionally. I showed how hurt I was, I wrote a long paragraph, and I brought up all the promises she made. That was a mistake, it probably killed any ounce of attraction she had left. If there was any chance of her coming back or realizing it was a mistake, I destroyed that chance. I made it look like I can’t live without her. I didn’t beg for her back at all, but I kept pushing for answers and explanations. I asked her what I did wrong and stuff, and that made me look super desperate. I should’ve just accepted the break up immediately and cut off all communication. Maybe then she would’ve thought about it, she would wonder why I wasn’t upset and have second thoughts about her decision. It would make me look more attractive in her eyes. But no I ruined it forever. Now all I want to do is salvage some respect, to make her see me as a valuable person. Not as someone who can’t live without her. Deep down I really want her to have a change of heart, I want her to feel re-attracted somehow, after having some time and space away from the situation. But I ruined her image of me. Now I’m looking back and analyzing every little thing about our relationship and wondering what I should’ve done better. I realized I made a lot of mistakes, which at the time I didn’t think were mistakes, but now looking back it’s probably my fault she lost attraction. I didn’t do enough.
I told myself during the relationship that “everything is temporary, don’t get too attached, life can change at any moment”. I know those things because I’ve learned my lessons from the past, but this is still killing me. I know almost everyone has been heartbroken, I’m nothing special, every human has been through this before. I just need to hear that it wasn’t my fault or that I’ll find someone better eventually. I’m blaming myself a lot right now and I keep thinking that she wouldn’t have left if I had been attractive enough. I generally consider myself a confident person but this has set me back a lot, it’s ruining my self esteem. Maybe I have attachment issues that I need to work on. I know that time will heal this, but right now I can’t imagine myself finding someone that’s better. I feel like the idea of “the one” has been ruined for me. I want to believe it, but I don’t think I do anymore. Even if I find another person who I think is the one, there’s always the possibility that they will change their mind. There’s always a chance that all of their words and actions were just lies. A lot of people get into relationships because they love the idea of being in love, not because they are actually in love with the person.
Thank you for reading this far, I know it’s a long post. I needed somewhere to vent, I don’t have many people to talk to. When I cry, I cry alone. And during the act of crying I start to hate myself for being such a bitch. I know it’s perfectly okay to cry and feel your emotions but it’s hard to escape the conditioning that I’m used to. I have friends and family but, I can’t express my emotions the way I did in this post. People have their own lives and worries and they don’t want to deal with someone’s silly heartbreak I guess.
TL;DR - my gf and I broke up a month ago, she said she was settling for me and that I wasn’t the “one”, even though she made promises and assured me that she wouldn’t leave. I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong.

submitted by NeoIsTheChosen1 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:20 SunHeadPrime I Think I'm Being Stalked by A Smaller Version of Myself

The stress of the last six months has nearly killed me. Besides the general cratering of the outside world—political strife, climate change, inflated rents, corporate greed, and the baffling resurgence of crew socks—my internal life was falling apart, too. I'm at the point where I can't see a way out of the darkness, and that feeling has only grown in the last few days.
My struggles ramped up exponentially in the last two weeks. It started when my long-term girlfriend and I called it quits after five years. There was no definitive relationship-altering fight or infidelity. It was simply the boring banality of the "roommate-ification" of our lives together. We both felt the shift but never talked about it. Turns out communication is important.
Truthfully, we'd stayed together for so long because we couldn't afford to live apart. Our rent had nearly doubled the last time we re-upped our lease but even that was a bargain compared to what was out there currently. We were trapped by our need to have a roof over our heads.
My job had stagnated, and I couldn't find anything better. I was stuck. Like me, she'd been job hunting as well. Unlike me, she had a master's, and her prospects should've been higher. They weren't. For five months, she applied to hundreds of jobs and couldn't break through. If she got a rejection email, it was a win. Most of the time, the companies never responded.
Finally, she found a great opportunity at a Fortune 500 company. It was an involved process. She nailed the five interviews, and her "test project" was well received. She was offered the position, and it came with a massive pay increase—double her current salary. I was proud of her—she needed a win. We celebrated with pizza and beer that night.
Two days later, she dropped the bomb that she was breaking things off. The relationship ending wasn't a surprise. The timing was. The discussion was brief, and there was zero chance of reconciliation. She declined when I asked if she could stay until the lease ended. Mentally, it would've been too much for her. Two days after that, she moved out, taking half the rent with her. I was stuck in a lease I couldn't afford on my salary for the next six months.
My free time evaporated as I took on two extra gigs to help make ends meet. In addition to my office nine to five, I drove for a delivery app on the weekends and took a part-time night job stocking shelves at a local grocery store. When I wasn't hustling for housing, I slept or ate. I did nothing beyond that. Nothing brings me joy. There is no spark.
This drudgery has become my daily routine, and it's killing me.
To help cover some cost gaps, I've started selling off some of my stuff online. It was just me here, and I decided that the Spartan lifestyle would have to work for now. Anything I could fetch a decent amount for went up for sale. My apartment is so empty now every noise causes an echo.
Before my shift at the grocery store, I agreed to meet someone who wanted to take a look at my kitchen table. It was a lovely table – my ex had obsessed over it – but I didn't see a need at the moment. Now that I was a bachelor, my TV trays became my default kitchen tables anyway. I wasn't planning on any dinner parties in the future anyway.
A couple showed up later than they said they would. It was a bored-looking guy and a fastidious young woman. She made friendly small talk as she looked over the table. Her boyfriend (I think) stayed quiet and played bodyguard. I gave him a friendly nod at one point, and he just looked away. She said they'd take it without trying to talk me down. I took the small win.
She asked if I could help carry it down to their truck. I was running late, but feeling helpful, even for a fleeting few seconds, was worth it. Her silent boyfriend and I hauled the table through the hallway and even managed to avoid hitting the walls the entire way down.
I placed it in their truck, got my money, and turned to leave. The girl said thanks, and the boyfriend finally returned the nod. I gave a weird half-wave to them both and started to walk away when I heard the passenger window being rolled down.
"Hey man," the boyfriend said, his voice higher pitched than I thought it would. "What was up with your brother giving us the evil eye in the lobby when we got here?"
I turned around, "Huh? I don't have a brother."
"A cousin then?"
"My family lives about a thousand miles away. What happened in the lobby?"
"A dude that looked just like you was hiding in a dark hallway in the lobby and staring at my girl's ass."
"Jacob, really," she said.
"I'm sorry that happened, but I had nothing to do with it. We do have the occasional homeless guy meander in. Maybe you saw one of them," I said. "Did he say or do anything bad?"
"Jacob, I asked you to not say something," the girl said, burying her head in her hands.
Jacob's frosty attitude to me made sense now. "He said something about running up that ass. I dunno, he was mumbling. I told him I'd beat his ass if he didn't stop staring. Seemed to shut him up."
"Oh. Well, congrats," I said. "I'll tell the manager. Thanks for letting me know."
"You should do a better job keeping jokers like that out of the building."
"Jacob, he's not a security guard."
"He should still be a man and protect his home."
"Have a good night," I said, ending the conversation and heading back up to my apartment. I had about five minutes to change and head out before I'd be late. Last thing my ego needed was to be fired from my backup job.
Thankfully, I was able to slip into work and not get spotted by my boss. That was the last of the good news, though. We had a massive weekly order come in, which meant I'd be there late, plus someone had called out. Worse, our hand truck had a flat tire, and I spent the next few hours torturing my muscles, schlepping heavy boxes around the store. I soldiered on, counting down the minutes until I left and fantasizing about going to bed for the night.
If wishing for sleep wasn't a sad statement to my mental well-being, nothing was.
I came home after my shift at the grocery store and plopped down on the couch. I had contemplated selling it, but it was an older Ikea number, and I didn't think the value would replace my desire to sit. I could feel my body sink into the cushions, and the day's tension seep out. I was beat and tired to the point that turning on the TV was a chore.
I picked up my phone and thought I'd doomscroll until sleep overtook me. I didn't expect it to be a long scroll, as even the methadone that is my phone has failed me lately. As I lowered myself from a slumped position to a supine one, I heard footsteps outside my apartment door. This was not unusual, but the noise I heard sounded like kid footsteps. That was unusual, as nobody on our floor had kids, and it was almost midnight.
Despite my body screaming at me to not move, my brain suggested I check it out. I rolled myself off the couch and eventually stood up. I listened again and heard the kid running down the hallway. I walked over to my door and looked out the peephole. I didn't see anyone.
"Maybe I'm dreaming," I said to myself. "Maybe I'm not staring out a peephole, expecting to see a kid running down the hall at midnight, but instead, I'm cuddled up in my bed, snoozing." I pinched my arm and felt the pain. I was definitely in the waking world.
I turned to head back to the couch when I heard the running again, this time louder. I opened my door and peeked out into the hallway. Nobody was there. The door from the apartment across me opened up, too. Gloria, a young at heart grandma who was friendly/constantly buzzed in a wine mom kind of way, gave me a once over.
"You heard that, too?" she asked.
"Kids?"
"No rugrats around. I assumed it was some drunk assholes stumbling home from the bar."
I laughed. Gloria was, as always, blunt. "I didn't see any assholes," I said.
"Then you're not watching the right kind of internet videos," she said with a wink and a hoarse cackle.
I blushed. How do you respond to that? I just kind of nodded in agreement and shrugged.
"Gotta get your jollies while you can," she said before adding, "You need some rest, dear. You look like hammered shit." She shut her door and went back inside.
She was right. I felt like hammered shit. Since I wasn't going to solve the case of the mysterious runner and was sure it wasn't some lost kid, I decided to call it a night. I went back inside, shut down the apartment, and crawled into bed.
I thought about watching one of the "right kind of internet videos" but fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
***
"Your problem is you think the world owes you something."
John, my elderly coworker at the grocery store, was standing by while I unloaded a pallet of cereal. I liked John, and when I first started, we instantly clicked. He's quick with a joke and fun to talk to. He's also about thirty years older than me and speaks with the Boomer combination of accumulated wisdom, backhanded compliments, and fringe conspiracy nonsense. Still, regardless of how couched the kindness is in gobbledygook, he's usually coming from a good place.
"What?" I said, putting a box of Captain Crunch on the shelf.
"You're complaining about your situation, right? Saying it ain't fair. The world took a paddle to your hind quarters? Hey brother, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Gotta just pick yourself up and start over. You're smart enough – figured this job out right quick – you can do it."
The job was wheeling pallets around the store and stocking shelves. It wasn't much to figure out, but I understood his meaning. The other stuff wasn't necessary, though. "I'm just in a funk. I don't see a way forward."
"Hey, so you've bottomed out. No shame in that. Happens to us all. Silver lining, you can only go up," he said before adding, "Unless some other bad shit happens to you like your car dies or your apartment building burns down. But after that, it's only up."
"The apartment building burning down would be a blessing," I said, hoisting another little Captain on the shelf. "The rent is killing me."
"Have you tried negotiating a lower rent? They used to do that when I was your age."
"I think they'd evict me if I even asked."
"Hell, then you'd have at least thirty days, maybe forty, before they'd kick you out. Plenty of time to turn things around."
"Uh-huh," I said, "Any chance you could give me a hand here?"
"My back is screaming like a pretty young thing after prom," he said, holding his back for emphasis.
I didn't push. "Hey, I meant to tell you about some weird shit that happened the other night."
"Lay it on me. I love the strange."
"So, after my shift the other day, I got home around midnight and was flopped on the couch. I heard someone running down the hallway outside my apartment. I wasn't the only one. A few other neighbors heard it, too. When we checked, though, nobody was there."
"That ain't strange," John said, waving his hand, "that's a man who's plowing another man's wife running for his life."
I laughed. "That's not the weird part. So, for the next two nights, it's the same thing. Around midnight, someone runs down the hallway. Only this time, they're trying the door handles as they pass. So, I asked the front desk to check the security cameras, and they do."
"They see a man running away holding his clothes?"
"There wasn't anyone running down the hall," I said, "But the weird thing was, you could see the door handles turning on the video."
"Damn, that's a good one," John said, "You sure it wasn't just a camera glitch. These new ones from overseas aren't as reliable as they want you to think. Chinese probably using them to spy on you, too."
He continued as my brain tried to reconcile John's two opposing comments. "Weird shit happens at night, man. Before working here, I only worked the day shift. Even when they offered me more money to work nights, I turned it down. Even when they promised me a promotion, I turned them down."
In a previous life, John had worked as a paramedic. He came by it after serving in a medical unit in the army. He'd told me he loved the rush of the job, but after a while, the death and hurt in people's eyes got to be too much to handle. But he worked there for almost twenty years. So, the man had a tolerance for shenanigans and odd occurrences.
"Why'd you agree to work nights here?"
"Shit, we're home before the witching hour. This is like late afternoons, at best. But if it was overnights, hell no. Captain Crunch can anchor his own ship to the shelves. I'd take my ass to 7-11 for a day shift before agreeing to work an overnight."
"Something happen to you during the army?”
“I got the clap,” he offered.
I sighed. “What turned you off nights?"
"Oh. I heard enough stories from coworkers to know I didn't want to experience any of that hoo-doo shit," he said, "trying to save someone's life is hard enough without adding in demon kids and ghosts."
"Did your coworkers see demon kids?" I asked, moving on from the good Captain to the Trix rabbit.
He nodded, "They saw too much. I find it odd, even with all the surveillance we have now and all the science we know about these days, that the night still scares us. You ever know someone who worked a night shift?"
I had. My ex. During college, she worked the overnight desk at a hotel for a while. She quit because the job gave her bad vibes. I told John as much.
He pointed and laughed, "See! Don't you find it odd that every person who works at night always has a story of something eerie happening to them? Every person, buster. That's what they call an irrefutable fact."
"Maybe the ghost running down the hallway is an old employee still doing his rounds."
"In that case, keep that door double locked. I'd even wedge a towel under the door just in case."
"Maybe they're friendly? Casper-like in that way."
"You ever heard someone tell you about a friendly ghost outside the funny papers?"
"I'm sure it happens," I said, "The scary ghosts are more popular though."
“We think we know everything there is to know but we are just babes in the woods when it comes to night things.” John shook his head. "Imma tell you one or three things that happened to a guy I worked with back when I first got hired on to chase after corpses in the ambo. Guy's name was Gil. Quiet man, kept to himself. Didn't rock the boat or demand a bigger paddle. Just rowed with us. Good cat to learn under," John said, finally handing me a cereal box.
I took it, and he kept going, "Now, Gil, ya see, he had a little wifey that would pester him about working days. She was a cop and worked evenings at that time, so they never saw each other. When married people can't align their genitals every now and then, it spells doom."
"A little too much information but sure," I said, shelving another box of Trix.
"Probably part of what happened with you and yours," he said. He wasn't wrong, but that didn't mean I wanted to hear it.
John kept on, "Gil finally got approved to move to nights. Little pay boost and a happy, 'fulfilled' wife should've made that man happy. But it didn't. I saw him a few months later, and he had changed. He might've been quiet when he was working with me, but he'd talk to you if you engaged. When I saw him that time, though, oh boy. He looked sick."
"Wasn't a fan of working nights?"
"Wasn't a fan of living anymore is the feeling I got," John said, "After some prodding, he got to talking with me some. Told me he missed days because the nights were messing with him. I thought it had to do with the schedule change, but that wasn't the case. He said he saw things in the dark he couldn't explain. Things that would turn James Brown into James White, ya dig?"
"I...dig," I said.
"Told me they got a call to an abandoned apartment building one night, around three in the morning. Wasn't unusual. Old buildings in the city are where hop-heads congregate and share drugs. Sometimes, the drugs are too much. Sometimes, they find a person passed out or, worse, dead. When you work in the ambo, you aren't scared of death like a civilian. You've been around it. Probably seen a few folks take their last breaths. It doesn't bother you the way Mother Nature intended it should."
He handed me another box, continuing his assist streak, and kept going, "Ambo pulled up, Gil stepped out and looked for someone to talk to. Nobody there, though. Not uncommon. Some people want to help but not be involved. There's not a soul around. He calls out, but nothing comes back. Tells me he turns to get back in the ambulance when he hears a scream from inside the run-down building. They're calling for help. He's gotta go in the abandoned building in the dark."
"No thanks," I said.
"But it don't bother a medic like that. Gil's done a million of these calls. No big deal. He runs into that building but doesn't come back out until twenty minutes later. Just goes missing. After five, the crew heads in to back him up but can't find him. Gil tells me his crew called the cops. It was like he had vanished."
"What happened?"
"I asked him and he got real quiet. Said he fell into some place that looked like here but wasn't here. Said he felt their eyes on him. Judging him. Told me they followed him home and wouldn't leave him be."
"Who?"
John shrugged, "He didn't say. Shut down after that and left. Just walked past me like I was shit on the sidewalk. He quit about a week later. Heard he had a stroke a year later and was a tombstone owner three months after that. Good guy, though."
"Your aversion to overnights makes a little more sense."
"Never in a million years. You don't want something like that coming after you."
"In my case, could it get much worse?" I said with a half-smile.
"Man, I wouldn't even joke about that," he said, making the sign of the cross, "You don't want that shit attachin' itself to you. With your luck, you'd bring him in here, and it'd hop over to me. I can't have a ghost crimping my style."
After a bit, he got called away to sign off on a delivery. I finished out my shift and headed out to the parking lot. When I exited the building and spotted my car, I froze. My doors were all open, and the interior lights were on. Someone had broken in.
I glanced around the lot to see if the thief was still around, but there wasn't another person near me. I walked over to the car and peered inside. My glovebox had been ripped open, and my registration was pulled out, but nothing else was missing.
I found little hand prints in the dirt all along the body and the windows. I held mine up for comparison, and they were about half the size. It must've been some tweens or teens who did this. Maybe they were going to steal some things and got cold feet. I contemplated calling the cops, but since nothing had happened and they wouldn't do anything anyway, there was no reason to delay sleep any longer than I had to. I closed all the doors and climbed inside.
I started the car and heard something rattling in the AC vents. I pulled out my phone and shined the light at the vent. There was a small piece of paper inside. I looked around my car for some tool to pull it out and only found an ink pen and a bent-up paperclip. After McGuyvering the vent for a bit, the paper finally came out.
I held it up and unfolded it. There was a handwritten note. It simply read, "I know you're here. I know you're hiding him. I will find you both, and then it'll be your turn to run the race. We all have to run at some point."
I had no idea what that meant, but my body still provided goosebumps. Who was trying to find me? Who was the second person? Why leave a note in my AC vent? What the hell did run the race mean? I hadn't run a race since elementary school and wasn't planning to do so any time soon. Did they mean the rat race? Because I was basically marathoning that motherfucker already.
"Jesus Christ," I said, shaking my head. "What else, universe?"
As if it were a well-practiced comedy routine, the universe responded. My back passenger door swung open, and I heard footsteps running away from my car. I sprung up and scrambled to get out. There wasn't anyone else in the lot that I could see, but very clearly, someone had been hiding in my backseat.
My nerves were shot already, and this was not something I wanted to deal with at the moment. My brain decided that to avoid a breakdown, I needed to shift into automatic mode and just get back to the safety of my apartment. I'd be more prepared to deal with this – whatever it was – in the morning.
Either that or I'd jump in front of a bus. Both sounded satisfying, albeit in different ways.
***
"There he is," Gloria said as soon as I turned down the hallway. I looked up and noticed a small cabal of my neighbors standing in a semi-circle, waiting for me. They all look displeased.
"Hey guys," I said, confused. "I miss an invite for a block party?"
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
"About?"
"Don't play dumb," another neighbor said, jabbing their finger in my direction.
"I'm not playing," I said, realizing the self-burn only after the words escaped my lips.
Gloria showed me the screen on her phone. It was a static shot of her door from across the hall. She pressed play, and nothing happened for a beat until something darted across the screen. That was the whole thing. I looked up at her, my face twisted up in confusion.
"Well," she said, "What do you have to say?"
"What was that?" I asked.
"That was you!" the pointing neighbor said, pointing harder than I thought possible.
"What?" I said, laughing. "Are you all serious?" They didn't laugh, and I realized they weren't joking. "How can you even tell it's me? It's a blur. Never mind the fact I've been at work for the last five hours. Plus, this blur is half my size. I get we're all weirded out about the Phantom Runner, but it's not me. I swear to God. I don't even have the energy to think about running, let alone the physical desire to."
"Then explain this," Gloria said, slightly swaying from the half bottle of Pinot Noir coursing through her blood. She rewound the video and froze it on a specific frame. I couldn't believe my eyes, but I was looking at...me. Or, rather, something pretending to be me.
"What the fuck?" I said, my jaw dropping.
"Still think we're lying?" the pointer said smugly.
"No, but, guys, this isn't me. I... I've been at work. Wanna see my schedule?"
I reached into my phone and pulled it out. There was an email with my work schedule that confirmed what I was saying. They relaxed, and, for the first time, anger gave way to fear. Their very plausible explanation was suddenly invalid. It left two implausible answers floating in the ether: either I had a pint-sized doppelganger terrorizing the hallways of my apartment, or a ghost was haunting the building.
"I'm...gonna go inside," the pointer said, walking back to their home. Everyone else drifted away until it was just Gloria and I standing alone in the hallway.
She looked at me and sighed, "I feel like an asshole," she said. "Sorry I accused you of causing the racket."
"If I had seen the video, I would've thought the same thing," I said. "We're good."
"What do you think it is?" she asked.
I shrugged and let out an exhausted sigh. "Honestly, Gloria, I've had a screwed-up night already, and this is the cherry on top of the shit sundae; forgive my language. I don't have the mental bandwidth to even comprehend what's on the video at the moment."
"Think it's after you?" she asked, though I suspected the wine had forced her to put that idea out into the universe. As I had already seen, the universe seemed to take requests on my behalf.
"Maybe it's after you?" I said, coming off a little meaner than I intended, but I didn't care. I left her there to contemplate that scenario and went into my apartment.
As soon as the door shut behind me, I felt on edge. Just because I didn't have the mental bandwidth to discuss the doppelganger didn't mean it wasn't dominating my thoughts. I saw the frame of the video. The damn ghost looked exactly like me. What could that possibly mean? I know I had wished for death, but I was very still alive. I had rent due to prove that.
Did I happen to live in a place haunted by a ghost that looked strikingly like me? Was it some kid with a passing resemblance just causing chaos? Was it something else I couldn't even comprehend – an alien? A clone? A secret government project?
There was a thumping coming from the hallway. The mini Usain Bolt was at it again. I knew the neighbors would ignore it. Since they had all thought it was me, which was proven to be untrue, they would avoid the running man from now on. While curious and confused by the creature, they'd never put themselves in harm's way to discover what it was. They were not a brave lot.
Neither was I, but maybe my life crumbling around me had forced my hand. I walked over to my door and swung it open. I hit record on my phone, stuck it out like a periscope, and glanced around the hallway. Nobody was there. No neighbors were looking. No person was running.
"You gotta stop, man. I need to go to sleep," I said to the empty space. No response, not that I was expecting one.
I turned to walk back in, and I caught something out of the corner of my eye. A face at the end of the hallway peeked around the corner. For a quick second, we locked eyes, and it was like I was looking into a mirror. This thing was me. But...how?
I tried to get it on video, but it ducked back into the shadows. I took that as a cue to shut and lock my door. My heart was racing, and I didn't want to think about this anymore, but I couldn't help it. There was a me in the hallway who enjoyed pestering my neighbors. Worse, they liked to run for some ungodly reason.
I put my phone on the counter, the video still rolling, when there was a knock at my door. It echoed in my near-empty apartment. I tried to ignore it and convince myself it was something else, but it wasn't. The ghost was knocking on my door. Even with my brain paralyzed, I couldn't help but think that it was awfully polite to knock.
Another knock, this one more forceful. I wondered if the neighbors thought I was making this up?
"I know you're in there," a voice said. It sounded just like me. "This is about the race. We all have to run the race. It's your turn now."
I froze. My legs went wobbly like a boxer on the brink of a blackout, but I stayed tall. I opened my mouth to speak and found the words dying in my throat. I grabbed a nearby bottle of water and took a chug.
"We all have to run the race."
"What race?" I choked out, "What are you talking about?"
"Open up. They're in there already, and I need to get them."
I glanced all around my empty apartment. I didn't see anyone else in here. I didn't hear anything. Whatever this thing was, it was lying. I grabbed my phone and held it in my hand. I wanted to document this to prove that I wasn't crazy.
“Did you leave the note?”
“I know they’re in there with you,” it repeated.
"There's no one in here," I said.
"They're hiding. I think I know where. I can hear them."
"You've gotta get out of here," I said. "There's nothing here, and you're scaring people."
"I'm scared, and you should be! You have to run the race, man! Open up, and I can show you."
The handle started to shake. I peered through the keyhole and only saw the top of the other me's head. They began to shoulder the door, and it crunched against my nose. I screamed out in pain and stumbled back. I tripped over my feet and landed hard on my ass.
The thing slammed into the door two more times, shaking the walls. The strength seemed unnatural. On the third hit, the door burst open. I finally got a view of the thing. It was me. Scaled down by half, but it was me. We both seemed shocked.
"You're so much taller up close," the other me said.
"Who the fuck are you?"
I felt a buzzing in my feet that seemed to climb up my body until it reached my brain. There was an intense pain that rippled through the folds of my mind. Through the pain, I could hear a disembodied voice whisper, "We all must run the race. We all have to run. Chase it. Chase yourself." It felt like my skull was going to split in two. I clutched the sides of my head and let out a primal scream that hurt my own ears.
Then it was gone. But I could still feel the echoes in my mind. "We all have to run the race. We all have to run." The thought would waver between making no sense and making complete sense. One second, I was questioning what was happening to my mind, and the next, all I felt was the desire to continue the race.
"There he is!" the other me yelled, pointing at the hallway.
I glanced over and saw another version of me standing in the hallway. It was half the size of the other me that had broken into my place. When tiny me locked eyes with my intruder, he ran for the open hallway closet.
The other me followed, screaming that it would catch the little bastard if it was the last thing he'd do. I pushed myself up to my feet and felt queasy. I watched as the other me ran head-first into the closet without slowing. I expected to hear a loud thump as it hit the back wall but none came.
"We all have to run the race," the voice in my head said, soothing my nerves. "It's your time to run the race."
I moved down the hallway, each footfall echoing loudly in the empty apartment, each step bringing me closer to the closet door. Something was drawing me there. The voice's words echoed in my mind as well: "We all have to run the race. It's your turn now."
I grabbed the door and stopped. Something was compelling me to move forward. To go into the closet. To chase myself. To run the race.
"No," I whispered and yanked my hand from the door. I pulled out my still recording phone, and stared into the camera. My face was devoid of color, and you could see the fear etched into me. "I'm freaking out because...because…"
I stopped. I felt an invisible hand grab my body and tug. "Because...because if I don't run the race, something bad will happen. I have to chase it. I...I have to."
My phone dropped from my hand, and I didn’t care. The force pulling me forward stopped but my body kept going. I could feel the last strands of my rational mind splintering. My thoughts became focused on one thing: I had to catch myself, find out what was happening, and run the race. If I ran, maybe I'd win.
I needed a win.
I walked into the back of the closet and felt a door handle sticking out of the wall. I'd been in that closet a million times before and never had seen this. But a sense of calm washed over me. This….this was supposed to be here. This was perfectly fine.
I turned the handle and pulled open the invisible door. In front of me was a hallway that looked strikingly like the one outside my apartment. At the end of the hallway, I saw Gloria step out of their home to leave for the night. She was huge. Twice my size, easy.
Another door opened, and I saw...me—a giant version of me. The Hulk version of me was getting ready to go to the grocery store for work. I watched as the giant Gloria and giant me joked and laughed. I was stunned.
I stared, and a new thought came to me. I have to find the smaller me and talk to it. I needed to find out if there's a way out of this...this….
"It's your turn to run," the voice said.
Calm embraced me. "It's my turn to run," I repeated. As the giant me took off and the giant Gloria re-entered her apartment, the hallway beckoned.
"We all have to run the race," I said softly, "It's my turn now."
I started running.

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2024.05.22 02:20 ThrowRA_t01 I, 42M, have recently been on a healing journey and now I want something different than what my wife, 49F, can provide. I want playful intimacy, to be heard and appreciated, and to be laughing more. I am so confused and stressed by all the possibilities I have. How should I proceed?

From the outside, we look like we have everything. Great house, two kids (8 and 11), at a good public school. Together 13 years. Our careers are both flexible, allowing us to travel and have plenty of free time. But I'm not happy. I fantasize about other women. I feel lonely when efforts to talk to my wife are ignored. She is very ADHD and gets sucked into her phone and work stress all the time. She works from home, so it's all day every day work stress for her. And she procrastinates, so small tasks will occupy all of her time. And she is slow to act on anything, so we are in the routine where I get up first, do the whole morning routine without her. Same with dinner, cleaning, bedtime with the kids, and grocery shopping. It feels like she takes me for granted, although, when I bring it up, she reminds me that she does a lot of other stuff, like paying bills, taxes, insurance and doctors appointments. So we're stressed with the kids. She also doesn't get my humor most of the time. I feel like a comedian with a really bad audience. And when I'm serious about stuff, her normal way of speaking is to debate and she is really good at being right.
In terms of my healing, I met her when I was chasing after sex. I was 29. I didn't understand at the time, but I would get a panic reflex during intimacy and had toxic shame around showing attraction. So I was terrible at dating. I would fawn over women, trying to do what I thought they wanted, rather than thinking about what I wanted in a woman. The more I failed, the harder I chased. I worked through some of my issues and dating got better. Once I met my wife, she had so much more going on than anyone I had ever been with, I was thrilled. Beautiful, smart, successful, from a good family, with similar view on money, politics and raising kids. She has never been very good at intimacy, but that worked with my weakness as well. I hardly noticed it was missing. It was very easy going, and I went along with her need to start a family. Now that I see all that, I realize our relationship is molded by that imbalance of me meeting her needs, and her not even knowing what mine are.
At the time, I knew things weren't perfect, and I was afraid of commitment. So, before we got married, we talked a lot about having a non-traditional marriage. I was very sex positive, and wanted freedom to have needs met by other people, if they weren't being met in our relationship. And we agree that it's unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs for the rest of our lives. And we agreed to something like a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. We could do whatever we wanted, as long as it doesn't affect what we have when we're together. This was a very flawed idea. I do talk to other women, probably more than some wives would be comfortable with. And I love that I have that freedom. But I want more, and it's just not realistic. Once being married, from my experience, other women are very non-sexual. It feels very sterile and I really miss those flirty conversations with women.
I don't think I can change my wife though. I have shared these thoughts with her, and she seems to be making a tiny effort to be more appreciative of me, and has engaged in activities around the house that normally she leaves to me. It's just such a baby step. And we have kids, who should be exposed to parents who are happy. How can I address the relationship? Would I be crazy to leave? Am I crazy to stay?
TL;DR My life is pretty good, but it's boring, a bit lonely, and not funny, sexy or playful. I feel like it's an unhealthy example to set for the kids. Until now, the relationship has been basically: I meet her needs, which are very easy to meet, and neither of us realize that I have needs of my own. It's sort of like the classic business partner marriage, or maybe boss/assistant. We do have regular sex, thank god, but it's very vanilla. And now I am realizing I do have needs, and I want to spend time with someone who can be intimate, sexy, funny, appreciative, and generally be happy with. How do I get there?

submitted by ThrowRA_t01 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:18 8th_Hurdle [EVENT] Leave Them Hanging On The Line

29th January 1967;

Port Arthur, SCS;

{Following our meeting last December…}
Through the battered streets, swept by the wailing winds of the storms of deep January, there was still the wail of protesters, fighting ever more closely, delivering punches in each other’s doorways. Port Arthur’s namesake, the port on the Lake called Superior, was the gateway through which one accessed the wider world from the SCS, and that fact was not lost upon particularly the MLS. It was no wonder they took the city to be so important - it was the most foreign city of the lot, so they had to override the population’s prior nationalities in order to advance their cause.
What nationality did not live within the city? The borders of the SCS had been closed off in 1952, but the prior torrent had already brought in every culture by then. There were the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish, the English, the French, the Norwegians, the Danish, the Finnish, the New Englanders, the Quebecois, the Maritimers, the many others, the world inside a city. For all that Sault was Canadian and that Fort William was Serene, Port Arthur was the city that held every other flavour of the (Northern Atlantic) world. As Gloria walked along the tarmac between the rows of housing, cheaply-erected to house the many, she did not feel a stranger one bit.
She had not a similar feeling since she had left the town of Stoke to the rising waters.
Even so, the few that were the protesters did their best to attract her, to whistle and to call out at her, because she was a woman and alone on the streets, with Mark typing frantically to his friend across the lake, as he tried to convey what he knew onwards towards the armed forces. That friend had his own mates, in higher places, and they had met a while ago. By now, he sulked by the St Mary’s, carrying his heavy loads, and Sault was a good place to sulk. All Mark had to confirm was that he was still in Sault, and not attracted by the offers of guaranteed accommodation and tax rebates if he decided to live and farm in the countryside. He just needed to know.
In the meantime, Gloria needed to seek out Lee, and to get through the city, walking was what was needed, and that was Mark’s idea which Gloria agreed with.
Thus, she trudged through the storms and the gales onwards into the docklands, to find her man. Well, finding the docklands was easy enough, since the high chain-fence was obvious enough with its notices in government typeface. Walking around far enough to the south allowed Gloria to find her entrance, and to find a helpful woman, one who worked at the front. She held all the keys, and all of the telephone wires, and, upon a quick one-button check of the video-monitoring system to Lee’s desk that showed him reading a book, the all-clear was given. “William is free to talk, I assume this will be on personal matters? I’ll give permission, it’s too stormy to do much more than read books anyway, he won’t get much. I’ll get someone to escort you.”
“Oh Lee, thank you ever so much. Mark and I are in Longuelac, but we’re staying in Port Arthur for the time being whilst he finds more work.”
“Ah cheers. Interesting that you’re here for work, didn’t know about the MLS and MS protests here, yep? Tis horrendous, but ah well, I live close enough to docks that they don’t hit me, all’s fine round these parts. Longuelac is a place for sure, that also work?” asked Lee rhetorically, drawing in all the information he required.
“Yes, all just work and money. I just want to live near our work rather than him use our money on fuel on his car just to get him to work. He thinks we only get higher-paying jobs just because of that car. I can’t see why a motorcycle wouldn’t work either, but maybe it’s storms like today that do it,” stated Gloria towards Lee, whom she knew wanted to draw in more of that lovely information.
“So… so… you like the Monde Suffit then? They have their 13-minute-city idea or whatever, it’s about reducing distance to workplaces, by putting work right near the homes. It’s stuff like that which the MS like, but then you’re with Mark, yep?” suggested Lee, putting the pieces together.
“Mark wants to set up a rival for the MS, but upon similar principles, because Gatley and Hyhurst are being too idealistic and that won’t get stuff right. But his idea is… uhm…” tailed off Gloria.
“Still taking shape, yep? Well, look, I have a bit about Matias, so say that to Mark when he opens… this letter. It’ll have a bit more, and you can do more with it. I’m with Mark, because he met myself on the Samaria. He’ll do it, I’m sure.”
“You think, Lee?”
“I do think Gloria, thank you very much. He knows too much. I bet you every organisation wants him. What’s more they want him gone. Now, that’s all I have. Brave the weather, it’ll be better in a few hours once the morning’s over.”
“Thank you.”
“Oh, and good luck. It’s not like Mark’d need it, but you will, just in dodging the protesters.”
{Agricultural Subsidies To Low From None}

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2024.05.22 02:17 ThrowRA-IAmABadFrend It's hard to think how my ex has more then likely already fucked atleast 1 person and I'm just maturating in my parents basement...

It only been a month but with how things ended and the people she would always hang around with, it wouldn't surprise me if she already fucked at the very least 1 other person from her friend group... and yet here I am masturbating in my parents basement...
Now I am by no means ready to start dating again but, I saw a girl from my highschool today at the store, and she was one I always found attractive and is known to be a bit promiscuous, but I was to nervous to say hi and I'm beating myself up for atleast not saying hi... I should've atleast said hi. I don't think she noticed me though as she didn't look at me at all, or atleast I didn't notice if she did, but fuck I should've said hi atleast... honestly, I just saw her thought how my ex is probably fucking someone else right now I should see if she (the girl from my highscool) would want to get dinner...
I have no friends, after graduating college we all went our separate ways and lost contact so this break up made me lose the one and only person I really had... my ex fiance got a big new friend group and pretty much since she wanted nothing to do with me other then free dinners and occasional sex. I think she got frustrated that I kept wanting to do things with her and got upset when all she would do was hang with her friends until midnight and yet she'd always tell me she's to tired to do anything with me and she wouldn't ever want me to come with her when she went to hang with her friends...
It's been a month and I'm definitely not ready to be dating yet, but thinking about how my ex easily could have already fucked someone else pisses me off... like she dumps me out of the blue then ghosts me... then starts posting things like "when be dumps you but it's right before summer *evil laugh", "at a new low time to get tinder" and other things like that on her social media's like wtf! We were engaged and you're already planning a hot girl summer and telling everyone I dumped you!!?? I have since removed her from all social media.
I'm horny as shit, angry, and idk man I just need to vent and blow off some steam and bust a fucking nut but I can't stop thinking about how my ex is probably already getting railed by atleast one other person but I have a feeling it's more.
Re reading this post makes me sound like such a degenerate but idc... I went from having consistent sex to none, and I can't shake this feeling about what my ex has been up to and it makes me want to go against my beliefs and just try fucking around in hopes it'll make me forget about her...

submitted by ThrowRA-IAmABadFrend to BreakUps [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:16 Ok-Barnacle-2099 Marrying within race

I hope this post is allowed…. Question for the men. Hmong men, why do Hmong men, maybe most of not all? Not sure, but they’ve always said to marry our own kind. We marry these Hmong men and they treat us like trash. At least the father of my child is a deadbeat. Why tell us to marry our own Hmong men and then get treated like sh*t and be deadbeats to your own children? I heard that if I didn’t marry or have kids with my own Hmong men, they won’t want me and no one will want me. I’ve been a single mom to my deadbeat Hmong guys kid for almost a decade now, and I’m still single. Hmong men don’t even want me. I know I have flaws too, but is this what I deserve? Is it just my luck?? I have been wondering, if I married and had kids with a man of another race, would that person have loved me more? Would that person have been a better dad? I’ve dated outside our race after I left my child’s father… and they treat me well and love me right, I’ve dated Hmong men too and they bought me flowers and took care of me. So I guess it ain’t all Hmong dudes. It just sucks I ended up with a deadbeat that wants nothing to do with his kid. His family will tell him to get his kid or whatever, but it isn’t in his heart. He kept saying it’s because I forced him to give me kids. SMH. I guess it’s possible for guys to give in when women give them ultimatums. It’s sad they decide to have kids and still don’t want them. I guess it’s not all Hmong dudes.. only a few will be deadbeats. Anyways, I was told if I have kids with another race, my own kind won’t want me. And if I have kids with my own race, my own kind can still love me and Marry me. Almost a decade now and I’m still single. Most likely I’m the problem? When I go to Hmong events or out in general anywhere.. no one really approaches me. I guess I’m just ugly. The few who approach me are just dudes who ask anyone and anything out. I guess I’m just wondering what life would be if I made different decisions. Even if I never had my kid.. I’d probably still be single.. single throughout my life and never had a bf or anyone approach me. I just ain’t meant to be in love??? My life doesn’t revolve around “finding someone”. I’m not desperate. But as a human. And as a woman, we all have those feelings we can’t ignore. Feelings if wanting love, too. And love as in intimate partner love. I wish these feelings didn’t exist, don’t really see a purpose for having a partner. It’ll be nice to have one though, get some help around the place. Maybe it’s just not in my luck and I’m just not desperate enough to keep a guy in my life???? I’m not the type to want to hold people back, I encourage people to go and leave and find someone and something better. Maybe love isn’t for me? : ( maybe I was just made to be a background character

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2024.05.22 02:11 More-Network-4303 I now understand why everyone quits this job position

This is a throw away.
Tw: Racism, maybe?
For context, I am POC.
I (21 F) work in an office where communication goes to die. You could send an email three days prior, and it will still not be read. You could talk to someone and be met with constant “I don’t understand” or being talked down to while simultaneously not getting an answer. Half of the times, I give up on verbal communication because we are just talking in circles.
Since being hired, I have quickly realized I am one in a long line of people in my position. My predecessor worked this position for about six months before they moved her. The girl before? Two before she left. The reason? We work with the actual devil (~ 65 F).
This woman is the most vindictive person I have ever met, but according to our boss, she has never been malicious in all the time he’s known her. Let me tell you right now, he must have the world’s most colorful rose-tinted glasses.
According to the other people in the office, she actively seeks to humiliate and hold power over people in my position. Mind you, this isn’t how our work structure is supposed to be framed. Oh, and she definitely makes racially insensitive comments towards anyone she deems below her.
She has asked people if English is a foreign language to them and where they “come from originally”. And apparently, when an African American woman was in my job position, the two of them would fight constantly. She has also thrown papers at people and tried to square up with them in the copy room.
And now that I am in this job position, I have been asked where I come from and if I grew up “here”, meaning the United States. Generally, these aren’t necessarily offensive. But at the time, I had known her for maybe two weeks. When I told my bosses, one took the matter seriously (1) while the other droned on about how she’s the sweetest person he knows (2).
Since the incident, she refused to speak to or even look at me. Everything was via email. Not wanting to stir the pot, I met her where she was and communicated mostly through email. This is where I messed up.
Recently, I sent an email asking that this coworker send me more clear information regarding a request she had. I request information for the office, so it is important to give me the correct info, and as much info as possible.
I double checked with 1, and he said that yes, everyone should be giving me as much info as they can when giving me requests, and that it was okay to send everyone a reminder. I send a reminder to everyone (not just the one person) about this.
Later, she sent me an email with barely any info (like people’s names instead of facilities or offices, some addresses, and no dates for what she needs), and I tell her I need more clear info to be able to process her request.
Well, she showed this email to 2, and he has a “talk” with me. Which is basically just me saying “I’m sorry I misunderstood how the process works” and him saying I was being inappropriate for “telling her how to do her job”.
Apparently I should have taken that info and searched the files myself. He called the info “easily accessible”, and believe me, it was not. I will have to keep digging for it tomorrow and possibly into the next day.
In case you haven’t caught on, that is almost the complete opposite of what 1 told me.
2 also told me I should reach out and try talking to her. I explained she won’t even look at me and he implied it was because I brought up her insensitive comments. I tried to tell him over and over that she would not talk to me. I think I would’ve gotten farther explaining to the wall.
After this meeting, I basically start crying out of frustration. One of my coworkers told me apparently, she does this to everyone in my position and likes making them frustrated and cry.
No wonder everyone quits.
Tl;dr: My maybe-malicious coworker makes everyone quit or gets them fired.

submitted by More-Network-4303 to TwoHotTakes [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:10 dippity_dip26 Friends to Lovers - A Polin Guide

Hi! I feel like a lot of the discourse about people not liking this season is in part due to people not really understanding what friends to lovers is, specifically the trope as it applies to Colin and Penelope, so I thought I might share my thoughts :)
Now I haven’t read the books - this is all based on what I gleaned from the show on multiple rewatches and as someone who has been the Penelope in a friendship for a longggg long time. Hopefully this makes sense.
Romance tropes can often boiled down to their immediate, basic truths. The popular enemies to lovers, for example: Enemy 1 + Enemy 2 + sexual tension = Lover 1 and Lover 2. Not to say enemies to lovers can’t be complex, but generally the starting point for enemies is an essential lack of trust between the parties and moments of connection (via fights) fueled by intense feelings of hatred/rage/whatever which can, in turn, translate to sexual tension. Due to the lack of trust, when they do get together it’s an explosion of that intense energy, highlighted even more-so by the knowledge that they don’t truly trust each other but they need each other which makes the heart race all the more and the passion all that more explosive.
Let’s look at Kate and Anthony as this trope. When they meet there is an immediate spark, fueled by a race in which they’re in competition. Once she hears him at the ball she decides she will do everything in her power to stop him from marrying her sister, and since he is determined to marry Edwina every interaction they have from that point on, until they have their happily ever after in the last episode, can be considered a fight. Moments like the bane of my existence and you vex me are such high intensity because it’s two people fueled by anger and sexual/romantic tension. They need each other like air but will do everything to fight it because of the anger, making the onscreen affections super intense for the viewer (especially as viewers who have just been introduced to Kate and are getting to know her through the lens of Anthony).
Now friends to lovers is, if I may say, quite a bit more complicated. A basic boiled down is Friend 1 + Friend 2 + romance/sexual tension = Lovers. But all friendships are different - if you’re new friends your pipeline to lovers is likely entirely different than old friends to lovers. If one party is in love with the other that changes the dynamic entirely; are they long distance or close? Were they childhood friends? Are they both likeable and popular or is one more nerdy and quiet or both? Do they know each other’s families? Are they best friends or just friends? All of these and more create new dynamics and emotions that can lead to love in different ways. My point is that friends to lovers is not as easy to pin down as something like enemies to lovers. So that’s why a couple like Polin may seem like they don’t have as much chemistry on screen - because their intensity shines in a different way than what we’re used to in Bridgerton.
Going into season three we know that Penelope has been in love with Colin for a long time, but during that time the two also formed a close friendship. When Colin proposed to Marina, yes Penelope whistledowned about the pregnancy to stop him from marrying her for love reasons, but also because he is her friend and she didn’t want to see him trapped in a loveless marriage. We also know that when Colin traveled between seasons one and two Penelope most often responded to his letters. Even during a scene in season two Pen specifically asks to hear more about his travels, even though everyone else in Colin’s life had asked him to stop talking about it. Pen’s crush and friendship don’t cancel each other out, they exist side by side as two parts of Penelope that often overlap but are most importantly separate entities. And she knows that.
Colin does not. In season three when Colin is talking about when they first met, Penelope looks away with anxiety when Colin suggests he knows why Penelope was so forward in making fun of him for falling off his horse and starting their friendship. She knows it’s because she had a crush on him. He states that it was because they were kids. This means it’s canon that Penelope had a crush on him since the moment they met. As a result, Colin has never experienced a friendship with Pen that doesn’t also have an underlying crush. He doesn’t know that Pen doesn’t respond to everyone’s letters all the time, or hangs onto their every word, or goes out of her way to talk to them. How Pen acts around him is how he assumes she acts around everyone - that’s why he doesn’t pick up on her crush.
It’s also why, I argue, he doesn’t realize that he loves her until the kiss in season three. He truly and genuinely takes her affections, her friendship, for granted because he doesn’t understand that someone so loyal and loving like that is rare. He doesn’t appear to have much else in the way of friends; outside of his family we don’t really see him interact with other men, and in season three the “friends” he does spend time with make comments to suggest they only started hanging out with him after his personality change to be more like his brothers - a rake who doesn’t care much for real affections. It’s why he said he would never court Penelope Featherington, or why he said “You are Pen, you do not count” when asked why he was still talking to her if he swore off women. He was super young when his dad died, so the only male role models he has for what love means are Anthony and Benedict. So, as he understands it, a man courting a woman is about sleeping around until the man finds a suitable match that pleases the family regardless of the man’s happiness. Even though he saw that Anthony fell in love by the time Colin said he would never court Pen, he didn’t see Anthony’s journey to understanding that love is not something to run from but something to cherish like we, the viewers, did. Anthony’s arc was just background noise for Colin, so it wasn’t like that would change his outlook on what Anthony’s actions in season one and beginning of season two loudly called out: choosing love over meaningless sex is idiotic and weak. It is explained in a letter that the reason Colin decided to try being like his brothers is BECAUSE Penelope stopped responding to him during his travels between seasons two and three. He decided to start guarding his heart, throwing on the rakish armor we see him dawn in the first half of season three, because he didn’t have that relationship that made him feel stable and loved anymore.
This is why Colin is genuinely distressed when Penelope walks away from him at the garden party in the first episode of season three, and why he went after her to explain that he missed her. He loves his relationship with her, not understanding that what he feels is actually love for her because he has never been aware that true love feels the way it does when he is with Pen. He sees Penelope as his best friendship, rather than the love of his life, because he literally can’t see it any other way based on how everything in his life played out to that point.
———
Okay this is way longer than I intended this to be already, but to finally make it to my main point! The Friends to Lovers trope as it plays out in Season Three Part One: Polin Do Be Polining.
What does all this mean for how Polin’s intensity shines as a couple? Due to the way their friendship has played out things like Colin taking Pen to the dance floor (not small social feat btw) in season one when Cressida bullies her, seeking each other out at social events, Pen asking about his travels - all of these are part of their relationship! It’s all part of the slow burn; it’s just less slap-you-in-the-face noticeable, to a viewer of a show about specified romance, as Kate and Anthony and even Simon and Daphne because acting like friends is an implicit part of Polin’s love story. Because they are best friends as well as eventually lovers!!
This is in full display in Season three, though put more on blast since it’s their season to get together. Colin saying he’ll teach Penelope how to get a husband isn’t a pity thing, it’s a real moment of genuine care that Colin is extending towards her.
—— “Pen wants to get a husband to be happy? Great! I’ll help to make her happy because her happiness means everything to me. Because I am her friend. Duh :)” - top ten photos taken ten seconds before disaster. ——
And it works! They start spending all this time together, and Pen has always looked gorgeous but is finally wearing clothes that she feels gorgeous in and you can see it in the way she acts, and suddenly Colin’s heart starts doing all these weird jumps around her like when she’s in the drawing room and when she wraps his hand because he has always loved her, so he doesn’t understand what these feelings that are coming up during these scenes are because they are not new feelings, just more intense ones of what he believes is pure friendship.
Penelope, on the other hand, has had her brain decide to give up on Colin Bridgerton (even though her heart hasn’t). As someone who’s been there, being in unrequited love with your friend is brutal but you can never really let go. No matter how many people they date, or the hours you spend together talking about their new crush, or the life moments share together where they do everything but love you there is always that small spark of hope in your chest that you can’t let go of lest they ever possibly realize they love you back. That chance is too precious to give up - that’s why Penelope can’t give Debling a real answer when he asks her if she would like to be with Colin in episode four. Logically she knows she should give it up but her heart just can’t. She is a hopeless romantic and her life has been spinning around Colin Bridgerton since she was 16 like the earth around the Sun. There is no other way to live, for her, if she isn’t in love with Colin. And that’s what breaks her heart the most.
It’s also why, I believe, she asks him to kiss her in that garden. She had just written about herself in Whistledown that she did the upmost embarrassing act of taking Colin’s assistance on the marriage market, and her mother dressed her down about being a spinster for the rest of her life. All of Pen’s plans, of marrying and getting out, are utterly gone for her in that moment when she goes out to the garden. She doesn’t have her prospects. She doesn’t have Eloise. She doesn’t have safety in her own home. The only thing she has left is Colin. That’s why she asks him to kiss her, because he might grant her this one kindness of making her feel alive for just this one moment before the rest of her life ends. That moment is the culmination of all of her feelings up to that point in the show. She’s given up on Colin - she wouldn’t have asked him to kiss her had she any hope left. This was her last ditch attempt to just be a girl and be kissed regardless of what he actually meant to her. It wasn’t out of desperation, it was staring down the barrel of the gun with societies’s finger on the trigger.
When she asks him Colin is taken aback. Not because he doesn’t want to kiss her but because he has never considered it before. Kissing was reserved for women you are looking to sleep with at a bar, for prostitutes in alleyways, not for his caring Pen. I’ve seen some upset over not including more of Colin’s writing in the show, as he becomes quite the writer in the books apparently, and the writing we do see is just about sex but given the way they paced the show they provided the most important piece of context for Colin’s understanding of intimacy in the writing they did use. He wonders how one can feel, despite sleeping with every kind of woman across Europe, such intimacy in physical closeness and yet such distance emotionally. It’s some level of satisfying for him to sleep around, but it doesn’t fulfill him in the way it seemed to fulfill his brothers. He cannot equate the idea of kissing to Penelope because he feels such emotional closeness to her. But when she brings it up, suddenly everything clicks into place for him. All the emotions he feels towards her, what he thought was just friendship, is so much more. Yes she is his friend, but by god he wants to kiss his friend; not out of the need to search for something but of the overwhelming feeling of going home.
Their kiss is sweet, and soft. Unlike Daphne and Anthony’s first kisses with their respective partners it isn’t this immense clashing of bodies and teeth. It’s two friends who love each other finally meeting each other as sparks fly.
———
Colin is left speechless, and confused. The kiss was amazing to him because he finally unlocked that part of him that made him realize he was in love with Penelope. The kiss was amazing to Penelope because she has been in love with him for so long, but it was also tinged with her own doubts and feelings of hopelessness. That’s why she runs away, and thanks him, because this was her last stand and he was just her friend helping her out as she believes.
But as always, a night of sleep helps clarify things. The next time Pen goes into society she is awkward but still well intentioned about getting a husband because that kiss was a long day’s worth of self pity followed by, in her terms, a moment of weakness. But it clarified things for her too. Now she can’t die without ever having been kissed, so that ultimatum she set up in her own mind was gone and everything seems much more manageable from that point on. Colin, as we know, is a wreck who is absolutely bamboozled at these feelings and we love to watch him flounder!!!
———
Now the tables have been turned. To those of who are think Penelope should have chosen Debling, this part is for you. This is when Debling really starts to court Penelope as she goes after him. She literally fights Cressida for him, because he seems like the most amenable husband for her to be able to continue Whistledown and be provided security. She isn’t looking for love in Debling because she already has love in Colin (love she believes will always remain unrequited, but that kiss can be a memory she cherishes for the rest of her life and that be that); she basically did what Anthony did at the beginning of season two. Find a suitable match that makes the most sense for her and leave searching for a love match out of it. She likes Debling, for sure, and he’s a rly nice guy!! He cares about her in a way that a suitor might, and I’m certain had they gotten married he wouldn’t have been mean to her or anything. But she would’ve been lonely. As remembered she is a romantic, someone who craves the love she reads about in her romance books. She’s spent most of her conscious life in love - marrying Debling would stop that in its tracks. In his own words, Debling tells Pen that he could try to maybe love her but that it was far too unlikely to find any room in his heart her for over his passions (aroace Debling stand rise). He specifically mentions that he is choosing her to marry because she has her own passions, separate from his, that can keep her company while he is gone both physically and emotionally from her. She doesn’t realize this until it’s too late, when her focus on the chase is over, and Debling asks her mother for her hand. It’s only then that she thinks that maybe she could hold out for love, and that power is strong enough to make her actively not want to ensure her security through Debling.
Love is treacherous, and yet we yearn for it like a sailor who cannot help but smile at the beauty of the raging sea at it comes crashing down upon him. Penelope would rather a thousand lifetimes of the chance to be in love with Colin over one lifetime married to Debling in safety.
That is why Debling breaks it off with her. Because she loves Colin, Debling knows she would choose Colin over him, and he sees Colin’s interest in her even if she does not. Like girl…. Colin literally found out she was going to get engaged, ran to the ball, interrupted the dance wherein Debling was going to ask Pen to marry him, ran after her carriage just to know if she was engaged because he couldn’t fathom letting her get away in a loveless marriage, and when finding out she was not engaged telling her he loved her even if she did not love him back because he simply had to express to her how much he loved her as he owed her that as his friend. Colin got in his knees in that carriage because he was genuinely splaying out his heart to her for her to dissect as she chose. He put himself at her mercy because that is where he believes his place to be - hers.
———
The carriage scene is, of course, the moment of highest intensity from the viewer standpoint of what we think love should appear to be. Other scenes could be Colin’s dream, and the moment in the sweets tent, etc. But those moments aren’t all of Polin’s love story. They may be the most visceral to witness, but they are just as important as the two of them laughing together in the corner of a ballroom. Their romantic trope is defined as Friends to Lovers, but that isn’t quite right - they are both. There is no big “or” between the two. Colin and Penelope are friends and lovers, and all of it is a beauty to witness.
Okay that’s it! If you’ve made it this far thanks for sticking around to hear my obsessive little thoughts. I wish you a very happy Bridgerton rewatch :)

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2024.05.22 02:06 thepicklefactory 21 years as friends, 2 years in a relationship, now it’s over. I feel like a part of my soul is missing.

Context: We are both 32, met on neopets at age 11, met in person at age 14, didn’t see each other again until 2022 but remained close friends online.
In the summer of 2022, I was going through the absolute worst part of my life. Early June, I went on vacation out of state, and though I was in a 10 year relationship at the time, I didn’t talk to my at the time girlfriend much. Our relationship was cratering because she was struggling with alcoholism and depression. I was trying to figure out a way to break things off in a clean way, unwind our financial and living situation, etc. During this vacation, we didn’t talk much. It was tense and frankly exhausting. Instead, every day, from morning til night, I was talking to my now ex. Mind you… I wasn’t cheating. I didn’t have feelings for her at the time. We were both just in a bad place - her dealing with the father of her 3 children cheating on her, and still living with him, me, dealing with a failing relationship I desperately needed out of. To be honest, most of our conversations were about work, where our relationships went wrong, and our kids. My son from another relationship ship is low functioning intelligence / autistic, which also caused a lot of issues - my partner at the time did try to accept this and be a mother figure but deep down, it was too difficult for her.
I get back home, and in the span of two weeks, my life fucking cratered. I’m talking about cinema grade levels of shit hit the fan.

My son burned my garage down to the studs while I was asleep - I had to run and pull him out of a burning garage, get my then girlfriend out of bed, and get our dog outside. We didn’t have a fire extinguisher so it was, so far, my closest near death experience
I was forced out of a company I co-founded by my 2 business partners, losing a 125k year salary, just months before the company was purchased for approximately 10,000,000 - my share would have been 10%
My at the time girlfriend went to a routine doctors appointment - a woman who struggled with alcoholism, has pcos and ovarian cysts, with what we were told an almost 0% fertility rate….was 7 months pregnant.

My son was held in the care of the local state children’s hospital for mental and physical examination. My home was in shambles, and the insurance company dragged their feet throughout the entire ordeal. I was reeling from a massive financial blow and loss of identity in a lot of ways, because that company felt like my life’s mission. My current gf and I split up, she moved out to live with her aunt, and it wasn’t pretty. I was so angry, so defeated.
I had a complete mental breakdown. I’m talking, I flew my mother in town to help with daily tasks. I couldn’t function. I lost about 30lbs, lost many friendships both personal and professional.
But this woman was there for me. She was a shoulder to cry on. She bore the brunt of my mental and emotional exhaustion and never pushed me away, never looked at me differently. We were drawn to each other during this time of complete fucking chaos, and one night, I hit on her. I threw out some bait, she took it, and we met up for the first time since we were teenagers.
We hit it off tremendously. It was like we hadn’t been apart a day in our lives. We both fell in love, quickly, as I began to rebuild my life, welcome a new child into the world, repair my home, work on myself professionally. She was there, through all of it, and she made it easier. I could lean on her, I could look forward to her, no matter what life had thrown me, I thought I had found my soulmate in this woman I’ve known longer than anyone. So, we started to date.
It was difficult in the beginning. She had to move out of her ex boyfriends house and get an apartment. This took a lot of time and planning because she was working a retail job and hadn’t been on her own in 7 years. This man was abusive, controlling, and eventually she managed to get an apartment with her mother to get away from him. He was furious that after a year of the two of them being broken up, that we got together. He wrongfully assumed I’d been in the wings all these years, which couldn’t be farther from the truth - he had cheated on her and she left him and refused to reconcile. It took a few months but she got an apartment. This was difficult for her, she left a nice area and moved to a low income area. She could only see her kids 50% of the time. Transportation was rough between both towns. It put a huge strain on her mentally.
I, meanwhile, did what I could. In the beginning I went out of my way to see her at every opportunity I could. I’d take her out to dinner often, visit her at work, stay over at her apartment. She’d come over to my house. It wasn’t easy - I bought my home just as Covid started to rock the housing market, and I had to land in a rural town. So we had 45 miles between us. I was also busy dealing with life without a live in partner, facilitating my sons care, and having my newborn 50% of the time.
But it was good, I thought. We got along well, it was electric, it was our escape. About a year into the relationship, the mother of my child had to move back into my spare room. She was struggling and I was not going to turn her or my daughter away in the time of need, it was not even a consideration. My ex understood, but acknowledged the pressure it put on us both mentally and emotionally - my house was now, effectively, off limits. This greatly reduced the time we could see each other. We’d go 2-3 weeks without getting together, with our only time between managing our schedules being maybe 2-3 hours on a random day, or a quick outing. Our relationship devolved quickly into a FWB situationship, and this is where the mistakes were made.
I didn’t see it at the time, but that’s all we really had. I was complacent and aloof, a little distant, and just… okay only seeing her every now and then. I think deep down I wanted more but it became such an insurmountable hurdle to put together. During this next part of the year or so remaining, she began to fall out of love with me. She told me that she felt like we were just FWB, stagnant, and going nowhere. She was dealing with depression, openly despising herself, and struggling to see a future with me. I realized that my complacency was to blame, but to a certain degree, she too was complacent.
Instead of voicing her concerns, talking options, solutions on how to build a life together, she sunk into her depression.l, and her feelings faded. I guess the how’s turned into why’s, and the what ifs turned into oh well. I do acknowledge I took on a huge responsibility dating a single mother of 3, but…. After learning these things from her the last few days, I realized.
I never felt like a team. We were together in flesh and bond only, we never discussed our future. We didn’t plan, we merely hoped. And we drifted away from each other, and in the end, it became too much for her to bear, and being alone felt like the best solution for her. She left me 2 weeks ago after bringing these issues to light. Initially I was devastated. I collected my thoughts and spoke with her last night.
I told her, I did want more, but I got comfortable, and so did you for a bit. We were stagnant because neither of us pushed the other forward. I wanted to be a team, I wanted to work towards something, but the opportunity just slipped through our hands. I begged. I pleaded. I told her, I’d do whatever I can to build a life for us. I own my home, it’s small, but it’s something. I can work harder, I can figure things out, I can work towards pulling together the things we need. I can be more present, more attentive. Because despite the both of us checking out to an extent, I very much still love her.
I feel and see her everywhere in my daily life. I cling to her, I dream of her, I long for her. I feel like the deck was so stacked against us, that we both bit off more than we could chew. But in the end, she didn’t want to keep trying, she didn’t see a future, and I’m stuck picking up the pieces and so desperately wanting things to work.
She told me to move on, to heal, to grow stronger and become a better person. She has no hard feelings, no contempt or regret. She just lacks the physical, mental, and emotional capacity to have a relationship, and that she doesn’t want to. But I still can’t shake the fact that I really thought I had found my person. I love this woman. I…. I wasn’t ready to stop. I risked so much, pushed through so much adversity to bring us together, but in the end, it just wasn’t enough.
It sucks. I’m devastated, defeated. I truly feel like life looked me in the eyes and said no, you are not good enough for this. I blocked her this morning because I realize she has made her peace and moved on, and that I will only drag her down, push her away, and erode my dignity at every turn, because I am still struggling to accept no for an answer. She didn’t cheat on me, she didn’t abuse me. We never fought, argued. We got along so, so, so well. She was the most important person in my life outside of my children, and I failed to show her that. And I feel in some ways, she failed me too. Because when it got hard, challenging, when it became time to work on life together, she got spooked, spiraled, and…. Gave up. She gave up on us.
I thank you for reading. It’s disorganized and insane because frankly I don’t know how to put all of this on paper. I’m going into therapy next month to revisit a lot of the issues I faced before her and to understand life after her and what went wrong. I have never felt a void like this in my life, there is a her shaped hole in my life and just….. this is just another level of pain.

submitted by thepicklefactory to ExNoContact [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:00 CobaltAzurean The World, the Flesh, and the Devil Pt1, Ch3.0: And The Devil Sends Cooks

Uranus - Secret Underwater Lab, formerly of Tyl Regor
It was a strange homecoming for the Grineer tubeman Kahl-175 after they left Cetus and departed Earth. The two of them had barely managed to exit the atmosphere when the RailJack expertly maneuvered in the zero-G environment to lock umbilicus and essentially tow the Skaut along, Cephalon Cy’s voice broadcasting over the comm-link.
“Locked and loaded. Uranus course plotted. Reliquary Drive online.”
“Belay. Utilize the solar rail network instead.” Wukong said quickly.
“Affirmative. Update: riding the rails will be two hours with current traffic volume.”
Wukong waved a taloned hand dismissively, “Acknowledged. Let’s get under-way.”
Kahl-175’s deep-set features were furrowed and perplexed, his voice rumbling out from under his camo helmet. “This longer. You said Blue-Girl saved with plan.”
“That’s correct, Kahl. But I don’t like being under anyone’s thumb, so to speak, thus we’re using the solar rails instead.” the space simian said over his shoulder as his tail wrapped around the ceremonial urn and walked with it towards the umbilicus. “I’ll be aboard the RailJack, stay here and monitor the link between the ships as they’re non-standard connections.”
Kahl-175 made a meaty fist in his ballistics glove with his thumb extended, gazing at it curiously, “Under whose thumb?” he mused aloud but when he looked up, he was alone.
The solar rail network was a series of space stations at nearly every major planet which provided relatively safe and efficient travel to and from each other for vessels that weren’t inherently capable of the velocity required for interplanetary travel. For a modest transit fee, and another less-than-modest bribe, you could ride the light-rails inspection free with the other jockeys from one end of the Origin system to the other in less than a day. As previously stated, it was relatively safe but there are always reports from time to time of space pirates and the like, interrupting the flow of orbital and extra-orbital traffic with their brutal raids and swift pilferings. Such is life in the Origin system.
Thankfully that was not the case when the Railjack reached Mars’ solar rail junction with the Skaut in tow, which appeared to be light with transiting craft. The singular but sizable fee was paid, as it was not standard procedure to have two separate craft buddy-jump together as it was likely an attempt to avoid paying a second transit fee, but Cy cited to the junction cephalon an obscure and entirely likely out-of-date policy about military vessels that was entirely too long and too complicated for it to argue with.
Once their tethered ships were aligned and they were given a healthy push to the next rail transit at Ceres, Cy gave a short laugh with Wukong standing at the Navigation display.
“Ignorant specter. Solar rail junctions have a one minute window to launch. Cephalon interactions, after the fee paid, are manually overridden after sixty seconds. I call it the Ordis Clause. Ha ha.”
“Clever. Ceres to Jupiter, to Saturn, to Uranus then?”
“Correct.”
“Highest degree of probability of attack from undesirables?” the space simian inquired, tilting his head back and looking up at the ceiling from their mapped path after noting the region that Cy marked while he asked.
“Ceres to Jupiter. Sixty-four point six percent chance of incident this solar cycle.”
“Noted. Considering we’re towing another ship, we’re two for the price of one. They’ll probably make a run at us. Link comms to the Skaut. Kahl-175?”
After a brief pause, “Kahl here. Ship still secure.”
“There is a chance we’ll be attacked during the next transit jump at Ceres, so immediately after the push, I’m going to seal the two ships and detach the umbilicus. If we do get attacked, we won’t be connected and can maneuver independently. Are you able to pilot that vehicle in a fight?”
“Kahl came out tube able.” he rumbled quite proudly. “Kahl need someone to shoot tail gun.”
“I’ll handle that. Thank you, Kahl.” and as he spoke, another Wukong came down out of the dorsal turret and headed over to the Skaut while they were still connected.
“Welcome.”
The remaining transit to Ceres was uneventful with Wukong leaving the piloting and forward artillery to Cephalon Cy after he took position in the dorsal turret, which would allow him three hundred and sixty degrees of upper hemisphere coverage. And yet another Wukong was waiting patiently towards the rear of the vessel near what had been deemed the Slingshot. Similar to a coil- or rail-gun, it magnetically propelled whatever object inside it to incredible velocities, and depending on the object, the ability to gain forcible entry to large space-faring ships. This Wukong had also taken the time to don an Itzal-model Archwing chassis and weapon harness allowing him to maneuver in zero-g along with providing more-agile fire support. He wouldn’t be as well protected outside the RailJack’s impressively dense hull but the Itzal was specifically designed for stealth engagement with sensor bafflers and visual distortion, which cumulatively would render him effectively invisible against the black backdrop of stellar space.
Kahl-175 was familiar with the concept of vehicular space combat but he was a foot-slogger by design, so he had spent the intervening time memorizing the various switches and modes he would have to operate in a combat scenario.
“Autocannons online? Check. Engine boost charged? Check. Shields? Hull integrity? Check.”
The Ceres rail junction inquired electronically, re-confirmed their transit and payment, then pushed them along without any audio interaction. Once the tethered craft were outside of the junction’s sensor range, Wukong and Kahl went ahead and locked down their respective vessels, sealing off and retracting the umbilicus to coast together towards the scattered remains of a former asteroid belt that drifted between Ceres and Jupiter. The iron and rubido composition of asteroids had a scattering effect on ship’s sensors, which made it an effective area for ambushes.
Radio silence.
Space pirates, as a whole, aren’t particularly intelligent except for their captains and maybe their enterprising first mates, but even they were more cunning than brilliant. Smarter raiders would have chosen to attack commercial vessels, but perhaps the allure of capturing military vessels and adding them to their armada was too good to ignore.
Once the RailJack and Skaut were fully within the scan-disruptive effects of the surrounding debris, the pirates struck, swarming out from their hiding holes, mostly naturally occurring crevasses, and approached the pair from several attack vectors, radio comms exploding with unshielded demands to surrender and prepare to be boarded.
Cy broadcast in a flattened tone, “Raiders, your short lives are about to become crap dipped in misery. Crew, if you would.”
The Grineer military-grade autocannons on the nose and tail cut loose at that moment as well the Railjack’s Vekti model Laith shrapnel blasters unloaded their barrages from the forward artillery points and dorsal turret while simultaneously executing a split-Y maneuver to distance their vessels away and broaden the enemy’s field of fire from being concentrated on them together.
Wukong stepped onto the chambering sconce, powering up the Archwing chassis, which dutifully fed him into the Slingshot’s barrel.
“Cy, if you’ve got eyes on the lead vessel.” the celestial chimp prompted.
“Prepare to ring their doorbell.”
The RailJack performed a short engine boost, abruptly thrusting forward to gain some distance from the pursuing raiders, quickly spun port-side before fully stopping to briefly divert engine power to the Slingshot, and with a crackle of discharged electricity briefly along the skin of the ship, Wukong was fired out towards a large Corpus crewship. Cy continued his turning maneuver and plowed forward back into the teeth of the now-incoming pirates, guns blazing.
Wukong smashed explosively through the reinforced hull of the crewship, a brilliant shower of sparks flying as he ruptured conduits and circuitry in the skin of the vessel, pulling the emergency release valve on the Archwing unit right before impact, leaving it in standby mode outside the ship with its stealth systems engaged.
Klaxons blared deafeningly with flashing lights at the explosive decompression in the area of the ship he erupted into, which appeared to be an upper bay. The space simian reached out and found the comforting weight of his staff in his hand, raptor-beak blades no longer hinged down but outward like sickles ready to thresh wheat.
He stalked forward at a quickened pace, eyes fixed forward to the corridor outside the bay. Motion ahead.
Uranus - Secret Underwater Lab, formerly of Tyl Regor
The Grineer cloning facility on Uranus, once considered hidden beneath its vast ocean, had been operated under the sole discretion of the renowned biologic experimenter Tyl Regor seeking a reliable means to either treat or ultimately cure the clone rot which plagued the Grineer forces. It provided all the necessary infrastructure that Wukong required for this part of his plan and as it was relatively difficult to reach without detection, they would hopefully remain undisturbed for the duration.
The Skaut craft slowly surfaced into the dock section of the facility, grapples launched, reeled-in, and locked. Wukong regarded their impressive haul of raw Tower material while speaking into the comm to Cy as the exit ramp descended to the loading dock.
“Return to Earth and get those repairs taken care of as soon as possible. You’re free to resume Reliquary Drive use at this time.”
“Inquiry: why is it now permissible to use the-” Cy began.
“That’ll be all. Over and out.” Wukong interjected before muting the comm and turning to regard Kahl-175 with his impassive countenance, the high-pitched screams of the dying space pirates still ringing in his ears. “Do you know this place, Kahl?”
The Grineer tubeman had indeed been looking about fervently, eye, both natural and cybernetic, darting around like he was attempting to spot incoming sniper fire. “Yes. Born here.”
“Is that going to be a problem?”
“No problem. Familiar ground.” he replied with a small shake of his head.
“Excellent. Then I shouldn’t have to show you around.” Wukong said with a curt toss of his own head towards the chamber exit. “Let’s get this loaded onto the lift to sub-level 13-40 with the large centrifurnace. We’ve got a significant amount of work ahead of us.”
Wukong firmly closed the lid atop the thermal centrifuge, spinning the wheel tight after flipping the latches until the seal indicator flashed green. The space simian stepped off the top of the two story tall machine and drifted downward to the floor next to Kahl-175.
“Big tubeman.” the former Grineer rumbled.
“Not exactly.” Wukong replied laconically while giving a thorough final check over the machine as he walked around it. It was essentially a large, transparent sphere, now full to the brim with the Unum’s Tower flesh, that would use a low, simmering heat and centrifugal force to separate the varying densities of organic material, which would either be siphoned off to the seven surrounding smaller, vertical tubes for storage or reintroduced to the suspension for further rendering.
“And by that, I mean this machine will be doing the exact opposite of growing flesh. It will break down the material to its most basic parts, or specifically to the one part I require, which is called ‘amino’. The basic building blocks of life, Kahl.” the mercurial monkey explained as he approached the control panel, striking several keys in quick succession. A slow but insistent hum started beneath their feet, drawing Kahl’s attention downward. “There. I’ve initiated the process by activating the heater cores beneath the centrifuge. It will take some time to bring the mass up to proper temperature, so you have time at your leisure to either eat, rest, whatever it is that you do when you aren’t involving yourself in guerilla tactics with the Narmer.”
Kahl-175 opened his mouth to reply as he brought his attention up from the vibrating floor only to find himself alone with his thoughts in the very place he was created.
A full day passed before Wukong would find Kahl-175 in the centrifuge chamber, which had significantly grown in temperature and noise in the interim. The tubeman was watching the machine with an intense expression, almost a rapt fascination that Wukong wasn’t sure the former Grineer had noticed his approach.
He simply said, “Wukong.” to which the space simian inclined his head in acknowledgement before taking a lap around the machine, noticing that the lateral tubes were indeed beginning to collect liquid. Wukong gestured to the tubeman over to the control panel as he read over the various gauges and indicators on the large holographic display. The vast majority of this field of science wasn’t within Wukong’s realm of esoteric knowledge, but thankfully the computer knew what to do as it had been originally designed to perform a very similar function to Tyl Regor’s tubemen that failed his various experiments.
“Kahl, this reading here is the important one.” Wukong said, pointing a glinting talon at the display before gesturing to one vertical tube over his shoulder nearest the control panel. “That tube is collecting the first render of amino. It’s unfortunately also the material that takes the longest to process, however as we are now operating at full temperature and speed, it’ll go quicker moving forward. Once that tube is full, which means the gauge will be read one hundred percent, we’ll make our trip to Deimos and talk to Kaelli.”
Kahl went to speak, just opening his mouth before Wukong interjected with a raised hand, “Yes, I know you’re eager to move forward but I require a bit more patience and there is still work to be done here, work you and I can accomplish together which should take your mind off things. How does that sound?”
“How long?” Kahl inquired finally.
“Three days.”
“When can we start?”
Kahl-175 and Wukong worked tirelessly over the next few days, disconnecting equipment from one of the various entrances to the facility and then reinstalling around the amino collection tubes as to prevent any type of viral or bacterial contamination, breaking only for Kahl-175 to get food and grab maybe a few hours of sleep before getting back to it. The amino, in its purest state, was extremely susceptible to biological influence and it was of the utmost importance to keep it free from contagion. The devices were powerful entropic field generators that any organic substance would be disintegrated passing through them and their calibrations were very delicate and their alignment with respect to each other very specific as not to inadvertently destroy the sample that they were meant to protect. After the final series of calibrations were complete, Wukong stepped away from the console and turned to Kahl-175.
“It’s time. Let’s go.”

submitted by CobaltAzurean to Warframe [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 02:00 Baysicz Struggling with Sexuality (again)

Hello!! As the title says I’m currently struggling to find a term for how I feel about my sexuality. I’m 22F and I am in a very happy relationship with a 23M. When I met him I was positive that I was bisexual/demisexual and that I just preferred women but he and I just work out great together. Here’s where I have confusion about myself, before dating him I never had crushes on guys or would look at guys and think “oh they are so attractive!” meanwhile I think that all women are drop dead gorgeous and had my life planned around marrying a woman which I had to change after meeting him. For a bit I was like, do I even like men but I met my boyfriend and was like… yeah i must. But now that I’ve been with him for a while I’m pretty sure he’s the only guy I would ever find attractive and if I had to go back to dating I think I would only want to be with a woman. Not because he’s done anything wrong but just because I don’t find any men attractive other than him. I don’t think i’m comphet! I genuinely love the man, but I’m confused if loving all women but just one man is bisexual or if there’s a different term for something like this. I don’t know feel like it would be appreciated if I called myself a lesbian since i’m dating a man. Would sapphic be the right term or is that still wrong? Any helpful thoughts or discussion would be appreciated. Thank you!!

submitted by Baysicz to lgbt [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 01:59 Actual_Philosophy_83 My(20F) boyfriend (21M) lied to me about his past. How do I heal from this? Should I forgive him?

This is my first reddit post and honestly it's a lot so please bear with me. I'm still trying to figure out how to process everything and make sense of it all. I guess we will start at the very beginning. My boyfriend,( we will call him michael) and I just passed 6 months together. Honestly, hes been great. We clicked pretty fast and have a great bond. I feel safe and comfortable around him and can communicate in a way ive never been able to before. It just kinda works. I definitely fell hard and fast for him and from what I could gather, the feeling was mutual. We had met on tinder in early October and went on our first date in November. We made it official shortly after our first date.
After we started dating, he had briefly mentioned that he had a friend who had a bit of a crush on him. I told him I didn't mind and I trusted him. As long as he kept things respectful to me, it didn't matter. He then explained that her crush was a bit obsessive and he actually wanted to push her out of his life and needed advice. Apparently, this friend, (we will call her beth) was pregnant and wanted Michael to be her baby's God Father. He said that she would follow him and got jealous when he was with other girls. I found this kind of odd but he swore they were just friends, so I told him the best way to let her down gently and let him do his thing. About two weeks later, he told me she was out of the picture. I didn't really care either way but the communication was cool.
Anyways, I pretty quickly forgot about all of that because it was irrelevant and I wanted to focus on our relationship. One night when we were hanging out, he got a snapchat notification. He turned away from me to respond to it but I didn't think much of it, just asked who that was. He said it was just a friend (we will call this one Jen) and they were catching up. I had never heard of her before but I didn't care, I just said cool and dropped it. Just like before, I quickly forgot about that conversation because again,it was irrelevant and I had better things to think about. I trusted him so why should I care who he talks to? He is his own person after all and I understand the importance of friendships.
Fast forward about another two weeks later, him and I had our first argument. I dont remember what it was about. Most likely something small and pointless because I had a stressful day at work but nothing too serious. We did not talk much that day. Later that night, I apologized and we talked it over. Everything was fine. He then told me that earlier in the day, an old friend that he had removed off social media readded him and messaged him. We will call her Molly. Apparently she had just noticed she was removed and was upset and wanted to know why. He told me that he sent her a message explaining that he didn't see her in his life long term and doesn't feel the need to keep someone around who won't be around forever so he didn't want to be friends anymore. He then removed her again. At this point I thought the way he acted was odd. I had never heard of molly before, he waited until he had already removed her before telling me about the conversation, she only came into the picture when we had our first argument and it got me thinking about the other girls who were just friends. I definitely started to over think a bit and was more than curious about who these people were and what their relationship to him was. But he swore they were all just friends. So I continued to believe him.
We went a long period of time without anything coming up so once again I forgot about it and moved on with my life. Him and I were doing great. We were young dumb and in love. I felt truly happy, something I hadn't experienced in a long time. I felt like I genuinely found someone who was right for me and I didn't need to second guess whether or not he was gonna cheat on me. He occasionally would ask to see my phone but I didn't have anything to hide so I allowed him. I had set a boundary with him that if he ever felt concerned or needed reassurance, he needed to bring it up to me first. After we talked it over then he could see my phone, but we would always go through it together. This seemed fair to me. My phone was never off limits, there just needed to be open communication. Anyways, he would always offer for me to see his phone in return but I would decline. I didn't feel the need to and I had learned from past experiences that if you go digging, you will most likely see something you can't unsee.
Then one day he needed to have his wisdom teeth removed. I dropped him off in the morning for his surgery and I was told I needed to hold on to his personal belongings and wait until the operation was over. No big deal. I know this is wrong and I shouldn't have but finally curiosity got the best of me and I looked on his phone. At first it wasn't malicious. I genuinely was just curious. But of course, I saw things I wish I could unsee. It started off on tiktok. In one of his conversations with a friend, he poured his heart out, explaining how he was still so in love with his ex and missed her like crazy. Of course it stung a little to see the things he said but I knew there was someone before me so it wasn't that surprising. That was until I saw those messages had been sent in mid October. So of course i was like huh.we started talking early October and dating early November. So clearly he wasn't over his ex when he met me. But I was willing to forgive it. It wasn't a deal breaker. But Instead of putting the phone down to protect my peace and his privacy, I kept looking. And boy did I find a lot. I found lots of old text messages from contacts that were not saved. Most of then were hard-core sexting and flirting. This dude literally acted like a dog.And yeah it was again hard to see but it was before me and he wasn't like that anymore. With me, he was gentle and respectful and never treated me like an object. Some people just go through a phase and that's okay. Again, it wasn't a deal breaker. But finally i found some very passionate, lovey, intimate messages with an unsaved contact. I was immediately drawn in by the kind words and heartwarming love messages. Whoever this was, they cared for eachother very strongly. I almost immediately felt heartbroken. Not because she was a past love interest, but because he had never spoken to me the way he spoke to her. I read all the way from the top of the conversation. Months worth of love confessions, paragraphs of strong feelings, longing to be with one another, etc. But finally halfway through in one of the paragraphs I see a name. Molly I was shattered. Molly was the girl who supposedly was removed months before him and I even met. The one that was "just a friend" who messaged him and he removed her because he didn't want to be friends anymore. Yeah clearly they were more than just friends. I was livid and felt crushed. Why did he feel the need to lie about something so unnecessary? I wouldn't have been mad if he had told the truth about who she was. But then it got me thinking. Was Beth truly just a friend? Was Jen truly just a friend? What was the actual relationship? I gathered up as much as I could but then the nurse came to the lobby to tell me he was awake and ready to go home. I kind of panicked and in my hurry, I forgot to delete the screenshots out of his phone.
We get in the car and I give him his phone, he's still pretty loopy. Obviously I had a million questions to ask him but I knew he wasn't in the right state of mind to have that conversation so I put my feelings aside and decided it could wait. Well he wanted to take pictures of his bloody swollen face and send it to his uncle. In the process, he sees the screenshots i had forgotten to delete off his phone and immediately screams what the f*** is this? I tried to talk calmly and explain that now wasn't a good time to talk about it and it could wait. He kept pressing "what the f*** did you do? Who the hell is this?" In my mind I thought "uh dude, you tell me." But didn't want to escalate it while he was drugged up. I decided the best option was to simply say that I wasn't mad , I stilled planned on taking care of him while he recovered and that we would need to have a conversation when he was in a better state of mind. He just started sobbing. Oh boy. I kind of ignored it as much as I could. I drove us to the store to get ice cream and other soft foods he could eat before taking us back to my apartment. I helped get him set up in my bedroom and he still was crying. So much so he started coughing out blood. It smelled awful and got everywhere. He was a wreck. I felt bad for everything. I felt guilty for going on his phone behind his back, for leaving the screeshots on his phone and for him crying. It took several hours but eventually I got him to calm down. I kept my word and continued to take care of him until he was recovered.
Finally when enough time had passed I decided it was time to sit down and talk about it. I explained that obviously I had found messages and i wanted an explanation. He told me molly was just a friend, and very clearly it was more than that. I also explained that I had a suspicion that he was not fully honest about his relationship with Jen and Beth either. He looked me dead in the eyes and said he had no idea what I was talking about and they were just friends. I remained calm and explained that I won't be mad at him or leave him. I told him I didn't want to fight. I just felt as though I deserved to know the truth if I was going to continue to be with him, especially since he was still in contact with Beth and Jen while we were dating. We continue to go back and forward for several hours with no progress. I decided then if he didn't feel I deserved the truth, I would find out for myself. I took the screenshots I had found and reached out to the contacts one by one.
Let's start with Beth. She was the quickest to respond. I briefly explained who I was and that I was hoping to ask some questions about my partner because I felt like i was being lied to and was hoping she could fill in some of the gaps. She texted back and simply asked "do you work at blank" I responded that yes, I did. She then asked if I lived at a specific apartment complex. I said yes and was creeped out. She knew where I worked and lived. She then asked if she could call me. I agreed. For some context, he told me that she was a friend he had met in school. He explained that she had gotten out of a rough relationship and he wanted to make sure she was okay when it happened. That's how they became close. He explained that they would hang out all the time and eventually she became obsessed with him. Well during my phone call with her, I heard a very different story. Yes, they met in school and initially started off as friends. But, slowly with time as they started to spend more and more time together, they started to catch feelings. He said I love you first. And she proved this with screenshots. She also sent me pictures of them holding hands and kissing. She explained that they never officially started dating but they definitely were more than just friends. Their relationship was much more physical and romantic than platonic. She also told me that they had hooked up about 3 times. She explained that they had eachothers location and pretty frequently they would make plans then he would last minute cancel. So she would see what he was doing and would see him at two very specific addresses. Visiting my work or my apartment. She eventually asked him where he was and he told her that I was his cousin and was trying to get out of a rough relationship so he was helping me. I felt sick. No wonder why she was "obsessed" he was borderline dating her, telling her he loved her, and then started to ditch her when he made things official with me. Then it killed me to realize that even though they never had an official title, he was dating the two of us at the same time. I didn't know what to do. I ended up apologizing to her for everything he did and told her I never would have agreed to be his if I knew he was entertaining someone else. Michael overheard this phone call between us and looked like he had seen a ghost after. All he did was started crying, said she was lying, and that she was only a friend. I asked "so....these screenshots and pictures are all made up?" No response. He knew he was busted.
I decided I needed to take some time to process that information and I didn't want to say something I would regret. I let him stay at my place because he had nowhere else to go and I went to stay with a friend. He kept calling and texting but I couldn't deal with it. I cried all night. I was a mess. I should have just accepted that I was cheated on and lied to but I couldn't leave. I needed to know the truth. So I kept reaching out. Next up was Jen. I never was able to reach her, but I found out through Michael and Beth that Jen was Beth's best friend. But even more than that, I found out the three of them had a threesome together. He had told me previously that he had never been interested in a threesome and would never want to have one. Then I found out not only did he have one and lied about it, but it was with two girls he told me were just friends.
I went back to my apartment the next day and tried to talk stuff out. He just continued to say they were just friends. I finally snapped. I screamed and cried and told him that I just wanted to know the truth. That I deserved the truth. He looked me in the eyes, pinky promised me no more lies. We talked for a while and basically he explained that he never had an official title with Beth. They were very close but he basically just used her to pass time because he had nothing better to do. He said he loved her because that's what she wanted to hear and he treated her like a partner without ever having any real feelings for her. He knew as soon as he met me that he wanted me but didn't want to hurt her so he just kind of pushed her to the side but kept her in the picture. I felt so sad for her. He used her. He led her on. He treated her like an object and then threw her to the side when he met me.I asked why he lied about having a threesome. He said he felt ashamed Apparently they started to do it and then he chickened out so he didn't really count it. That made sense to me. I was pissed that he lied but at least it made sense. Next I asked why he told me Beth and Jen were just friends instead of being honest about the relationship. He said he never had feelings for either and they never had the official title so he didn't think it was important and he did not want to scare me off. I explained to him that although I understand why he lied to me, I didn't forgive him. I warned him that I would not tolerate anymore lies and obviously for the time being I did not trust him. I told him I wouldn't break up with him but if I found out he lied again, he would lose me. I also told him I considered what he did as cheating since he was seeing us at the same time after him and I became mutually exclusive. After we concluded our conversation about Beth and Jen, I started thinking about molly and the messages I had seen. I asked him what their relationship was, he said just friends. I freaked and told him to give me his phone. I found their old messages and told him to read them. "Hey goofball, you awake? Well if you're not I have something impossible to say to you. You are my sun, my moon, and all my stars. I love you lots and want you to know that no matter what happens I will always care about you. To me you are perfect. Amazing. And attractive asf. You are also very sweet and caring and adorable. Don't think about the negative things about yourself that will drag you down. You are way more than that. This is an official goodnight and I love you goofball." This is just one of the MANY messages sent back and forward. He reads the conversation and just goes oh. He then says he didn't remember any of that happening. We began to argue and the story he tried to spin was that his life must have been so traumatic that his brain literally deleted his past memories and replaced them with false memories where he didn't do these things that he is ashamed of. He got caught in lies and after so long was just like...whoa I did that? I had no idea I didn't remember. Technically I didn't lie because I told what I thought the truth was the way I remembered it. I told him I wanted to break up and he cried and begged me to forgive him and stay. I listened.i tried to move on and make things normal again but I couldn't stop thinking about all the lies and what else he might have been lying about. Then randomly one day, Molly added me back on social media. She was the last and took over 1.5 months so honestly I figured I'd never get ahold of her. I was genuinely surprised to see her show up on my friend list and reached out. Once again back story, he told me that she lived in Wisconin and they had never met. He said he was also using her for nudes and to pass time, same way he used Beth. He had told me that he removed her off social media months before him and I even met and aside from that one night she reached out, he hadn't heard from her in forever. I found out from her that she did not live in Wisconsin, she lived in the same state as us That to her, they were definitely dating and in love. I also saw a messaged saved on snapchat where he had been texting her in October (after we met) and even sent her the same pickup lines he had sent me. he had cheated with not just one, but two (at least that I know of) other girls.
At this point I had been broken so bad I didn't even feel the pain anymore. I just went numb. I had no more tears left to cry and couldn't be bothered to care anymore. I stopped eating and taking care of myself. I just went to work, came home, slept and repeated. I had watched the man that I loved and adored, one that made me feel so safe and happy turn into a monster right in front of me. He wasn't him anymore. I finally could see him for who he was. But I still didn't leave. He told me that he had only ever slept with three girls. I later found out it was actually six. He told me he had never been in love before. I later found out he tells basically every girl he's ever talked to that he loves them AND genuinely was in love with his ex before me. He told me after his ex and him broke up, he had a rebound but he only hooked up with her once before ghosting her. I found out they actually dated for several weeks, hooked up several times, and she had taken cute couple pictures with him and posted them on social media. He said that he never wanted to take those pictures, she made him put his Hands on her and pose and if he didn't cooperate, she would throw a tantrum like a child. One last thing I think that is important to mention,when we went on our first date, I told him I don't do hookups. We stayed out late and hit it off really well so I offered for him to stay the night at my place. I said I was okay with cuddling and whatever but I did not want to have sex. He seemed okay with it. I went to bed and then when I woke up, my pants were off and he was inside me. He claimed he didn't know I was asleep and thought I wanted it because apparently my butt kept rubbing against him while we were spooning.
It's been about a month since all that and I'm still just meh. I haven't exactly forgiven him but I also don't hate him. Things are normal. I act normal we still do couple things. But I can't help but wonder if he is just using me the same way he used them. I mean after all, he lives in my apartment rent free and asked me to buy him a truck for his birthday. He says I should forgive him because he genuinely doesn't remember doing these things and he didn't mean to lie to me. He said he's so ashamed of who he was but isn't like that anymore. He doesn't associate with who he was and wants to be given a chance to show that he is different. But can I ever forgive him? Should I? Where do I go from here? I feel so lost and confused. I dont think I'll ever be able to trust his word again. I dont feel secure. He broke me so bad I can't even feel anymore. Am I crazy and somehow making this a bigger deal than it is? Can I ever have the man I fell in love with back? I'm sorry if this was confusing. I'm typing this all out in one sitting. Please help me because I genuinely am so lost and I don't want to tell any friends because I don't want them to hate him.
TLDR: My boyfriend cheated on me with at least two other girls that I know of at the moment and has lied to me about too many things to count. His argument is that It doesn't actually count as cheating because he technically didn't date these people and he didn't remember doing it.

submitted by Actual_Philosophy_83 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 01:57 No-Essay9517 My (26F) boyfriend (26M) tells me that he finds things I do unattractive… how should I respond?

We live together and have been dating for almost 5years. I currently work full time and am in school full time as well and do pretty much all of the household chores (ie: laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping). We’re not married… yet I find myself doing all of the wifely duties. How this happened, idk… but I let it happen overtime so I’m partially to blame for that. I’m tired, overworked, and maybe I’m the issue, but I’m feeling a little used here. He works full time as well, but often in his free time he’s playing video games with his friends, playing golf, or going out with his friends.
I recently have been feeling overwhelmed and have told him that I’m no longer doing his laundry. I will do my own, but the rest is up to him. He told me this is not something he is looking for in a woman and finds it unattractive. Additionally, 3-4 weeks of him complaining every few days that he had no clean clothes got really old really quick so I started doing it again just out of sheer frustration. We did compromise and now we try and BOTH do a few loads a week to keep me from getting overwhelmed by the laundry.
I also have very little free time because my schedule is so rigorous right now (not his fault but he has been supportive of me so far). Sometimes when I get home from my 12 hour shifts, I like to decompress and relax and mindlessly scroll on my phone for like 30 minutes because it’s the only time I’ve had to be mindless all day. I then usually go back to studying for school for the rest of my evening before bed. He’s recently mentioned to me a lot that he finds it extremely unattractive that I’m “so addicted” to my phone. Shit maybe I am addicted but I think of it as just a quick release after critically thinking all day.
There are other examples but these are the most common. He’s said to me at least 7-10 times that he finds what I’m doing unattractive and I’m usually taken aback by it.
What should I say in response to these comments?
Are these comments he’s making normal?
I’ve told him before that when he makes comments about the things I do being unattractive it hurts my feelings.. to which he responds along the lines of “you like to say that when I express my feelings to you or when you hear something you don’t want to hear”.

submitted by No-Essay9517 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 01:56 TacomaIsMadLit 20 years later, I finally made it!

I’ve been a monster jam fan since the age of 4, when my dad took me and my sister to our first show, from that day on I’ve followed this sport as close as you possibly can, everyday I’d get home from school I’d go right to the TV to watch Monster Jam on speed, even as I got older and Speed went away, I did my best to check the site and stay up to date on FS1 etc. I’ve bought all the yearbooks, shirts, posters, videos, trucks, went to numerous pit parties, waited for autographs, even hosted an online Monster Jam league with some friends. This past weekend was one I’ll never forget, and regardless of the quality of one half of the show, I’m forever grateful for this sport, the wonderful memories it’s give me and my dad, and all of the chaos and action I have seen and will see in the future.
Sorry for the cringe/long post, but man I’ll never grow out of Monster Trucks, I love this sport!

submitted by TacomaIsMadLit to monsterjam [link] [comments]

2024.05.22 01:55 jujubean- [US][SELLING] CSM, Love is War, JJK, Vinland, Bunny Girl Senpai LN, Yuri LNs

timestamp
Hi everyone, I'll be moving for college soon, so I'm trying to get rid of series I'm not particularly fond of. All are either unread or read once. Most volumes are priced at 30% off the price listed on the back. Bundles including the word shipped include media mail shipping in the price. I am also open to negotiations and can bundle volumes. Might split series, not sure.
Please note, I will be out of town after Thursday 5/23, so anything after then I will hold off on accepting payment until I return around the 20th of June (I'll PM to ask if you still want it).
Pricing is 30% off typical volumes and then larger discounts for more popular series and ones with slight damage (mentioned and pictured).
PM with questions, offers, and photo requests
Manga Sets:

Chainsaw Man 1-11 pics
- Notes: G4-5
- $74 shipped
- $6 each
Komi Can't Communicate 1-5, 7 pics
- Notes: G4, slight shelfware and slight yellowing on top
- $48 shipped
- $7 each
Kaguya-same Love is War 1-6 pics
- Notes: Essentially G5, barely visible shelfware on a couple
- $48 shipped
- $7 each
Jujutsu Kaisen 1-5 pics
- Notes: G4-5, almost perfect aside slightest crease on the top of vol. 3's spine
- $35 shipped
- $6 each
Vinland Saga 1-2 pics
- Notes: G4, almost perfect except vol. 1 has slight damage on the bottom of the spine as pictured and small peeled seam on bottom of vol. 2 (pictured)
- $30 shipped
- $12 each

Standalone / Single Manga Volumes

Nana Kaoru 1 pics
- Notes: Unread, G4 since the dustcover has a small rip that is taped (pictured)
- $23 shipped
- $18 without shipping
Levius (standalone) pics
- Notes: G5
- $30 shipped
- $25 without shipping
5 Centimeters Per Second (standalone) pics
- Notes: G5, has Kinokuniya pricetag on back (pictured)
- $17 shipped
- $13 without shipping
Burn the Witch (standalone) pics
- Notes: G5
- $17 shipped
- $14 without shipping
The Quintessential Quintuplets 1 pics
- Notes: G4-5, slight yellowing on top
- $10 shipped
- $7 without shipping
My Hero Academia 28 pics
- Notes: G5
- $8 shipped
- $5 without shipping
- Free if you have a larger purchase, just lmk

Light Novels

Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny-Girl Senpai 1-5 pics
- Notes: G4-5, minor shelfware, vol.5 has books a million tag
- $58 shipped
- $10.50 each
Trapped in a Dating Sim: The World of Otome Games is Tough for Mobs 1-2 pics
- Notes: G4, V1 has yellowing on top only from the bookstore, V2 has a little dent on upper right spine
- $22 shipped
- $8.50 each
I'm In Love With the Villainess (Yuri) 1-4 pics
- Notes: G4-5, Vol. 2 has yellowing on top from bookstore
- $49 shipped
- $10.50 each
I Want to Eat Your Pancreas (standalone) pics
- Notes: G5
- $14 shipped
- $10.50 alone
The Devil is a Part-Timer! 1-2 pics
- Notes: G4 - Might be slight yellowing on top or might be the page color?, a little wear on the sides of the spine on vol. 1, vol 2 is pristine and unread
- $22 shipped
- $9 each
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2024.05.22 01:53 Due-Honey4650 To Do All Things As Unto My Higher Power: My Growing Up in Longer-Term Sobriety

What it was like, what happened, and what it is like now... My sobriety date is January 10th, 2016. I had been coming in and out of the program of AA since I was 18 years old, I had a drawer full of white chips, and it wasn't until I was 33 years old that I had finally been beaten down enough and suffered enough consequences due to this disease that I was finally ready to surrender... not because I had any hope that things would get better, but because I was frightened of how they were on their way to getting worse.
I was finally ready to follow through in working all 12 steps with my sponsor, which I did over the course of a year. I moved onto a new sponsor, and worked them through again. I was hungry for this new life and I sought out the oldest of the old timers, women who had more years in sobriety than I had on this earth. I was desperate for change because I was faced with two choices: change, or face a life without my two precious children that had been wisely removed by the court and my ex-husband because of how I'd let this disease impact our lives like a category five hurricane. I learned quickly that it simply wasn't enough that my admission of powerless and taking of the first three steps stopped the proverbial winds of destruction from blowing; like a devastated city by the sea in the aftermath, I had a job of reconstruction ahead of me that wasn't going to be cleaned up over night... it was going to be a process of years before everything would come back together, and be restored to something better than I could have ever dreamed.
What I ended up discovering through the years of consistently working this program wasn't at all what I'd originally sought out. I just wanted the chaos to stop. I just wanted to be able to put down the bottle for good. I thought this was the alpha and omega of it. But this was just the barest beginning.
The cessation of drinking was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. This program would do more than just divorce me from alcohol and substance abuse... it was going to completely transform me. Little by slowly, the working of the steps began to reshape my perspective as I had to accept a spiritual remedy or return to my own spiral of misery and the onward march to jails, institutions, and death.
Through the working of my inventory, my sponsors helped me to see that everything I resentfully blamed on my ex-husband, my abusive upbringing, my traumatic brain injury in early childhood, everyone who'd ever bullied or abused me had layers. Resentment would poison me; I had to forgive those against whom I harbored resentment not for their sake, but my own. Forgiveness, I discovered, set me free from this self-created prison. Letting go meant a greater freedom than I could have ever known.
And then, further on: most things I blamed on God for allowing to happen to happen to me, such as the loss of my precious children, my sponsors helped me to understand through my inventory were traceable back through so many actions I willfully chose that had a domino effect of consequences that I now had to face and accept as my responsibility. Whether or not other people were involved, I had to let this go, learning a new meaning of powerlessness and acceptance of things I could not change... namely, other people and their own actions... and focused on the only thing I could change: my own choices, moving forward. Understanding that the only way out was through. Bless them, change me wasn't just a catchphrase any longer... I was the only one over whom I had control. When I finally came to this realization, I was able to work through my own defects, see them for what they were, rise into the 6th and 7th steps to pray for their removal, to be taken to something better.
I was then able to identify and accept what "my part" had been in two decades of wrecked relationships with others. I was able to understand to whom I must make amends, and found the genuine willingness to do so, a long list made, a scouring of the internet and social media and looking up all the people upon whose lives I'd had a negative impact, people whom I had hurt. I owned my part, I made the amends and I was surprised at the response I got, overwhelmingly.... not one person told me to go to hell like I rightfully would have deserved, and none of them even expressed anger. Each of them shared with me in their own way how they knew I was very sick, very lost, and they knew inside somewhere I was a good person, I was just hurting and how they had always hoped that I would find recovery, find God, find a way to be who I was. They were happy for me. They had forgiven me long ago.
And as a result of working these steps, persisting through consequences I had to face and accept, finding that the only way out was through... my life was transformed. I was transformed. I got my children back... not instantly, but I began my journey in 2016 and by 2017, I had them back on weekends. By 2018, I had them back in a 50/50 arrangement. And by 2019, circumstances aligned so that they were returned to me full-time, and this was also the year the man who'd stuck by me during the worst moments of my disease and through the ups and downs of early sobriety asked me to marry him, and my girls and I had a whole new family, a whole new life... today, he is the man they call "Dad" and they have their biological father every weekend whom they call "Papa." He, too, has found recovery and is growing into a better life, he dated a great woman who adored my daughters in the same way my new husband has and he is marrying her this summer. As a show of love, she gave each of my daughters a special ring to symbolize her own commitment to them in how much she values the importance. We're now working together as a united front and a blended family for what's best for the girls and it is a blessing.
It has been a challenge, honestly, now that things have gotten better and the promises have come true to stick with a consistent practice of this program. Complacency is probably my biggest struggle, something I continually work on because it is so easy now to let all of the blessings of this program consume my life and cause the program not to take a first place priority. The reality is what it is though: if I forget where I come from, if I rest on my proverbial laurels, I will absolutely lose everything that I've gained and I will end up drunk. I am finding that it was ironically much easier to work the program diligently when I was at rock bottom and this was the only way to climb out.
As such, I know that today, my actions still have consequences, good and bad. Sometimes, as before, the consequences might not show up immediately, but they will always manifest. Fortunately, though, through the working of this program, especially in the initial few years of working through the steps and my inventory, I find that I am making more positive choices than I did once upon a time, and so just as I reaped what I had sewn early on in terms of negative consequences, I now find the same thing is true insomuch as I enjoy positive consequences perhaps to the same degree that I once experienced negative ones. The most solid part of all is the gift that the 12th step provides, practicing these principles in all my affairs, as well as Step 10 that I try my best to keep up with regularly, I am able now to much more quickly identify when I have made a wrong choice, when a resentment crops up, or when I owe someone an amends. It is just like keeping a house clean in a literal sense: doing small things each day maintains a level of consistent cleanliness that is much easier to maintain than letting things get messy and piled up and trying to go in and clean.
And most importantly of all.... when I came into this program, I reached for God and striving for the next right thing because it was either this, or worse consequences than I was already facing. As one day at a time began to flow into weeks, then months, then years, I found myself reaching for God and striving for the next right thing because I was seeing how it was bearing the fruit of my whole life improving. And now, as I am moving toward my 9th year of sobriety, so close to an actual decade... I have never forgotten these former two stages of my own evolution, which have merged into where I find myself now... reaching for God and striving for the next right thing, as it is written, "as unto Him", because I am in a new habit now of right living, right choosing, being a kind of active faith in which I know that, as a line in one of the devotional books said, "When we do the next right thing, all the power of God is behind you."
I can make these choices today especially in my classroom in devoting myself to my occupation as a labor of love, and this in and of itself being its own reward. I was nominated for "Teacher of the Year" this year, but I knew from this moment that it wasn't going to be God's will for me to receive such an accolade and I was perfectly at peace with this. Because doing the right thing as unto God for me today rests on a foundation of just how important anonymity is, in a way I never appreciated until recently. I think of the founders of AA, how Bill W. was offered an honorary PhD in Sociology from Harvard (I think this was he area), how they wanted to erect a huge monument over Dr. Bob and his wife's grave to mark them as founders... I can scarcely imagine how tempting these opportunities would have been, especially when we all have that ego part of ourselves that whispers, "I have worked hard for this and I deserve to be recoginzed!" But they turned these offers down, as so many others that came and went. Anonymity was and still is everything.
My oldest old timer sponsor--the one with more years sober than i had alive-- had to really work hard to make me see something I was stuck in around years 4-6: "I have worked SO HARD to get to where I am today!"
She told me over and over that I was missing the point: I made choices to do the next right thing, but I was incapable of getting myself anywhere but drunk on my own unaided will. It was God who you allowed to work through you.
I understand that a lot more today. I am proud of a strength I possess to be industrious. But "I" don't matter. I do my best to do the next right things because what really only matters is that God sees what I do. Through any talents, abilities, strengths He has given me, they are from Him, and they make me useful as a vessel to be of service. I am a sewer of seeds, and I may never know how my willingness to be of service impacts someone, but He does. My own anonymity protects me from me.
Of myself I am nothing, it is only through the grace of God and this program that I am where I am today. I ask daily in prayer to for Him to get me out of my way, to be made of service, for Him to show me the next right thing one moment at a time, and the power to carry that out.
And this is all that matters.

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2024.05.22 01:53 FrenchStephy Kamen Rider 555 20th: Paradise Regained interviews part 1: Kento Handa (Takumi Inui) and Yuria Haga (Mari Sonoda)

From Uchuusen Vol. 183. Also I don't know what the consensus is but I use 555 to refer to the show and Faiz to refer to the Kamen Rider.
Part 2: Shinichiro Shirakura (Producer) and Ryuuta Tasaki (Director)
https://preview.redd.it/cf17s2fr7v1d1.jpg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=38973491b8e7cc12aed2b2972655da56a35e7961
It's been 20 years since the show ended, but have your impressions of the show changed?
Handa: My impression of the work known as Kamen Rider 555 changed after filming this movie. Previously, I had a rather dry impression of the show, calling it "my debut work" or "my first job after moving to Tokyo", but with the developments of recent years and the fact we were able to make this 20th anniversary movie, I realized that it was a necessary part of my life. It was one of the most special jobs I've ever had the pleasure of working on.
Haga: I think of 555 as my youth and starting point, and that hasn't changed even after 20 years. But once I go to the Kamen Rider filming set, I feel like a child. When I meet the director and staff, I am instantly transported back to those days. And it feels good.
Handa: I get it. I'm almost 40 years old, and as I get older, the sensibilities I had in my teens and 20s tend to fade. I wonder what I was thinking and how I was living back then. But when I'm with Haga-san or when I go to the Kamen Rider set, it instantly comes back to me. That feels strangely comfortable (laughs).
Haga: That's right (laughs).
Handa: It's not good for this to continue forever, but I think it's good to have moments like this every now and then in life.
You two have both appeared in the Kamen Rider series since 555**, but surprisingly this is the first time you have worked together since then.**
Haga: Yes. It's been 20 years since then.
Handa: We've been together at events and such, so you might get the impression that we've often worked together, but this is the first time we've appeared in the same work since 555.
Haga: But it doesn't feel like it's been a while. If anything, I'm more like "What?! It's already been 20 years?"
Handa: It feels like it happened just yesterday or the day before yesterday, when we were testing cameras, deciding on settings, and talking about silly things in our free time.
Haga: It's a feeling you won't find in any other work.
When did the two of you learn about the project for this Paradise Regained movie?
Handa: For me, it was when I appeared in Good Morning, Sleeping Lion 2 starring (Seiji) Takaiwa-san, which was released in April 2023. At the filming set, someone from Toei told me "We'll be doing it next year, so thank you for your cooperation". I was focused on that filming when he suddenly told me, so I was a bit shaken (laughs). However, I was happy that what we had hoped for came true.
What do you mean by "what we had hoped for"?
Handa: When the 555 cast members got together some time ago, we talked about how it would be great to do something for the 20th anniversary. However, it is impossible for us to make a movie on our own, so all we could do is show our determination. I only told Toei of my determination: "if you ever want to do it, I am ready".
Haga-san has appeared in Kamen Rider Genms -Smart Brain and the 1000% Crisis- and Kamen Rider Outsiders as Mari and Smart Queen, but were you aware of this at the time of filming?
Haga: At that time, there was no such talk, so I'm glad we had the opportunity to convey our intentions.
Handa: That's right. If we hadn't said that, the work wouldn't have come this far. I think we would have gotten an commemorative event at most.
Haga: When I learned that May 5, 2020 would coincide with the 20th anniversary of 555, I felt that it was fate that the number "5" would be lined up so miraculously. But to be honest, even if a new work was made, I thought it was going to be at most a collaboration with the latest Kamen Rider, so I never thought that we would be able to make a standalone 555 work.
Handa: I was certainly surprised that they would make such a large-scale work that would be released in theaters.
Takumi's death was confirmed in Kamen Rider 4**, but what were Handa-san's thoughts on playing the role of Takumi this time?**
Handa: I think of Takumi from the TV series and Takumi who guest starred in subsequent works as separate entities. If you don't interpret it that way, you'll end up worrying about parts that don't make sense. That's why I don't think of No. 4 and this movie as being connected. In the first place, after No. 4, I also appeared in Kamen Rider Zi-O. Even at that time, I didn't let No. 4 weigh me down, and instead only played my role of Takumi of the world of Zi-O.
Haga-san also played the dual roles of Mari and the Smart Queen in works such as Outsiders**, but what were your thoughts on playing the role of Mari this time?**
Haga: Even before that, I had appeared in Kamen Rider Kiva and Decade, but it was the first time in 18 years that I played Mari. I was surprised and thought "I haven't played Mari in that long?" But that's because for the past 20 years, I have been called "Mari-chan" here and there.
Handa: That's right (laughs).
Haga: Outsiders was not written by Toshiki Inoue, and to begin with, I played the Smart Queen role more often than Mari there, so in that regard this was the first time in 20 years that I played the post-555 Mari.
What did keep in mind when playing Takumi and Mari of 20 years later?
Handa: This is similar to what I mentioned earlier, but 20 years is just the passage of time in the real world. Although this movie takes place a long time after the TV series, there is no clear setting for how many years later. Takumi no longer have the body to continue working at the dry cleaners, and due to various reasons, has given himself to Smart Brain. I acted with that in mind.
Haga: That's right. We were both teenagers at the time of 555, so we have both changed as people.
Handa: We've both gone through a lot of things in the real world. But I felt like we didn't have to think about those changes in our state of mind in the 555 world.
The director of this movie is Ryuuta Tasaki, who was also the main director of 555**. What was your impression of filming with the Tasaki crew after a long time?**
Handa: For me, the only word I can say is "easy to act". However, since there were many young actors on set this time, the director was also strict. At the time of 555, we didn't really get yelled at.
Haga: Yes. I don't remember being scolded by Director Tasaki. I've worked with him on many other works (besides 555) such as Sh15uya and Kiva, so of course I know of his tough side.
Handa: For me, he is like a teacher or a club advisor. When I was a teenager, the 555 set was like school or a club activity. Even when things were tough, we overcame them and made it through as a group of members that wouldn't be complete with a single person missing.
Haga: He is like a guardian to me. Also, Director Tasaki's acting instructions are very easy to understand.
Handa: He's good at explaining things, without using emotional arguments.
Haga: He is watching the set carefully.
Handa: He's very considerate. If it's cold at the filming site, he'll say things like "put a blanket over him".
Haga: The very first scene we filmed this time was on the roof of a building, and he remembered that I was afraid of heights. He was really considerate and told me "you'll be fine at this height" and "there's a fence, so it's okay".
Handa: I think the director was impressed by Haga-san's talent even back then. That's why you're still treated with courtesy even today.
Haga: No, no, no! I was 15 at the time.
Handa: Now that I think about it, there are no 15-year-olds like Haga-san. She was much more level-headed than (Mitsuru) Karahashi-san (laughs).
Haga: Well, I'm confident in that (laughs). I still remember the conversation we had when I first met Karahashi-san. "So you are the rumoured Mari?" "Yes." "I heard you don't do any retakes." I thought "what's wrong with this adult?" with the way he talked to the 15-year-old me (laughs).
Handa: Karahashi-san brought home many leftover lunch boxes from the filming set, and used the baths at the filming studio to save up money for bathing. His way of life was very much like Naoya Kaido. He is a lovable man (laughs).
Please give us your impressions on co-starring with Kouhei Murakami-san (Masato Kusaka), Mitsuru Karahashi-san (Naoya Kaido), and Ray Fujita-san (Kitazaki/Dragon Orphnoch) in this 555 20th anniversary movie.
Handa: Though I worked with Murakami-san in Heisei Rider vs. Showa Rider: Kamen Rider Taisen and Zi-O, I thought it was really nice to see Takumi and Kusaka together. Karahashi-san was a key person in No. 4, so it was really only Fujita-kun who I met for the first time in 20 years. (After seeing him) I thought he too had become an adult.
Haga: Fujita-kun was a child even to me at the time (laughs). Also, Murakami-san loves Kaixa so much that he hosts a fan event called 913 (Kaixa) Festival. He also invited me there, so I regularly watch him play Masato Kusaka (laughs).
Handa: No, no, 913 Festival's Masato Kusaka is way too exaggerated (laughs). But it's amazing that he took Kusaka, a role that would normally be disliked by viewers, and turned it into a character that is loved so much. I think this is the result of Murakami-san's personality and hard work.
Haga: It seems that there are many people have come to like him after all was said and done. That Masato Kusaka (laughs).
How was your reunion with Karahashi-san, who was mentioned earlier?
Haga: I was surprised at the fact that he hadn't changed at all (laughs).
Handa: He really hasn't changed (laughs). I guess his hair is shorter now?
Haga: He always tries to sneak ad-libs during the actual takes. And everytime, the director would stop him and say "(you) don't (have to) do that!". Exactly the same scenery as back then (laughs).
Handa: It's fine to stay together with him for a day or so. He's pretty interesting after all. But every day is tough (laughs).
Haga: It would stop the filming from progressing (laughs).
Handa: It must be difficult for his wife (laughs).
In this work, Next Faiz, a new form of Faiz, appears. Please tell us your impressions after watching it.
Handa: When I first saw the design drawings, I thought it was an excellent design. While making the gimmick modern, it remains Faiz-like. I was impressed that they were able to create such a difficult design. I liked it at first sight. Also, while matching the old Faiz, the colors have been slightly changed. The red that used to be deep red has turned vermilion, and the silver has also become darker.
Between the TV series, movies, and this work, multiple Kamen Riders have appeared in the 555 series, but which Rider left the most impression on you?
Haga: Aside from Faiz, of course, I really like Psyga, who appeared in the movie Paradise Lost. I thought he was really cool, including the provocation pose he did when fighting Kaixa.
Handa: Back then, white riders were rare. And he could fly too.
Haga: When he fought Faiz, he was defeated right away, right? I seriously thought "what a waste!" (laughs).
Handa: Nevertheless, this is the first time I've heard that you like Psyga (laughs).
Haga: Just like Faiz, it has a really nice design that screams "Made by Smart Brain".
Handa: I was impressed by that too. Smart Brain's front face is a company, so they must be making products other than Riders. It's amazing that they are conscious of the commonalities that are unique to that company when designing their products. Even though it's a non-existent company. As a railway fan, I would like to see trains made by Smart Brain. Something like a Maglev (laughs).
Handa-san, how did you feel about using the Faiz Driver, which has evolved into needing a smartphone?
Handa: The conventional model has its advantages because I'm familiar with it. I think I would have gotten used to the new model if I had used it more often, but just from this experience I wasn't able to make it "my own". And it's not just me, but Takumi himself should be the same, so I thought it wouldn't be a problem even if I wasn't used to it. I think it's more realistic that way.
Since it's a smartphone, you had to use both hands to press "5.5.5. ENTER."
Handa: That was just for the sake of the filming, but if I really want to, I can do it with one hand. But as expected, it's still difficult to press (the touches) with one hand (laughs).
Please tell us the highlights of this work.
Haga: Please pay attention to the last scene.
Handa: It's the "true last scene", right? The scene that plays with the end credits.
Haga: Yes. I really love the Takumi and Mari of that scene.
Handa: Even though it was an ordinary scene, it was difficult to play, so in the end I came to the conclusion that I would "not act". Without thinking about how to make facial expressions, what kind of movements to make, or what tone to use in one's voice. I was wondering if that's what it means to truly "act". Haga-san acted the same way.
Haga: It was a scene that wasn't in the script in the first place. The story was that I could do whatever I wanted while the cameras were rolling.
Handa: The reason it was used properly is because the director could sense that Takumi and Mari were possessing us.
Haga: I haven't heard anything about it, but you're probably right.
Lastly, please give a message to the fans who are looking forward to the screening.
Handa: This is a work for 555 fans. It is a work that we can confidently deliver to the core 555 fans who say I like this" or "that" about 555". It's not just that "we made this movie just to celebrate the 20th anniversary". Rather, it's more like "20 years have passed by coincidence". At least if you ask us (laughs).
Haga: I think the fact that the Faiz Driver, which used to need a flip phone, was upgraded into needing a smartphone, was only possible because 20 years have passed. However, it is a work that does not make you feel the passage of time. There are well-balanced scenes that make you think "this is what 555 is like". And this too "gets you fired up" (laughs).
Handa: Another big factor was that the filming took place at a time when we, the actors, were in good mental condition. The mental state of an actor will appear on the screen.
Haga: Please check out what Takumi and Mari are thinking and how they are living as adults.
Handa: But as I said at the beginning, I was a child again on set (laughs). That's why I would like (Toei) to create new 555 stories on a regular basis. So that we can also become younger (laughs).

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