Preschool bulletin boards

This list became so long that I might have actually forgotten to list some other methods that I use during matches. This for the most part is everything though outside of incredibly and extremely niche scenarios. If I forgot something, please tell me! I might still add more if it comes to mind so the title may be inaccurate.
Somehow, Trapper placed 9th in the most played killers of this month (April), and this is likely due to new players picking up the game for the first time or players just having limited access to the wide range of killers in the game since most of them are behind some kind of paywall whether it's Iri shards or Auric cells.
So it makes you wonder; how often is it that a seasoned player of the game is going to grind out a few matches on Trapper? I'd say it's very unlikely for a multitude of reasons. With that said, I'd say that the number of people who don't understand this killer's true potential is actually very low. People only look at Trapper on a surface level more than anything.
So with my knowledge of this killer as someone who has played Trapper significantly more than most of the other killers in the game, I want to talk about some unique scenarios that a lot of people don't really think about.
My Build: Gen Regression (I use surge); Coup De Grace (Must Have), Save the Best for Last (Must Have), Rapid Brutality (Useful but it's kind of a wild card. Paired with STBFL, people can't get to the next loop in time almost ever).
Disclaimer: A lot of this stuff is pretty difficult to pull off. You have to have a deep understanding of how this game functions to actually make this stuff work.

1. Trapping Near Hooks: (I know I JUST said, "scenarios that a lot of people don't really think about”, but I wanted to mention this one anyways). Most obviously, it is well known that when you hook someone in the open, it is much more likely that survivors will be less cautious when far from the hook. The closer to the hook, the more they expect potential traps. With this, you can actually use that to your advantage by placing traps in common survivor paths that are quite far from the hook. Then, simply rotate around the other side of large structures such as main, and it is very likely that a survivor might use a common rotation path and walk straight into it. Additionally, since you're leaving the hook, you're actually likely to avoid giving the person on the hook information about this trap's whereabouts and this has caused me to actually trap the person unhooked plenty of times with proper zoning.
   
2. Abuse of Elevation: With trapper, I personally abuse elevation as much as possible. Let me explain. It is MUCH harder for a survivor to notice a trap that is placed on the top of a staircase. Many survivors might naturally be weary of this, but others are not and it's a very neat trick that can lead to some extremely easy downs. This is even amplified when the staircase directly includes a common survivor path such as with maps like Crotus Penn Asylum. I admittedly cannot come up with other examples of when I use elevation like in this sense, but I’m sure there’s some trickery somewhere. Keep an eye out!
   
3. Abuse of Survivor Animations: --- 3. a. On maps like Hawkins National Laboratory, you can place traps far down below a window that lies above. You want to use a window here because placing a trap on a 'cliffside' (a place where survivors have more directional movement in air due to no window being present prior to falling) is far less reliable. This often leads to survivors vaulting the window and falling down onto a trap. You might think this is obvious, but I've RARELY ever seen trapper players to begin with in such high survivor MMR, let alone any in high MMR that use this trick. You'll also notice that when vaulting a window from high up, you don't have an option to move mid air to avoid the trap. This is why it works so well. --- 3. b. Pallet vaulting animations across the board are all extremely reliable. So zoning a survivor into a pallet that you have a trap on the other side of is a very reliable way to grant yourself a free down. Unlike windows, fast or slow vaulting has so little change (if any at all) in your final destination across the pallet that there's no need to worry about them not hitting the trap.
   
4. Extending Tile Length: This one is more commonly known, but trapping the edges of a tile make it longer for a survivor to travel around it, allowing for an easier down since the length of the tile is artificially increased by you. I honestly don't use this very often but I am aware that it is very strong.
   
5. Non-Obvious Placements: I personally DO NOT place traps in obvious locations. This may seem like an incredibly common thing for trapper players to do. Of course you don't want to trap obvious spots! To describe what I mean in more detail, I actually tend to trap incredibly unpredictable locations and it works wonders for me. What constitutes as an "unpredictable" location though? Who's to say I'm not just getting lucky? An unpredictable location in my definition of the phrase is a location that borders the edge of "obvious" super well while still being within range of or on top of a common survivor path. It's incredibly hard for me to give specific details on this and I think it deserves it's own documentation so I won't go too deep into it. However, the idea is that if you trap locations that survivors would NEVER expect a trap to be in, but the trap is still relatively dangerous in relation to common survivor pathing and rotation spots, you will find yourself catching all sorts of people. The one example of a trap like this is on the Silent Hill map. You can place a trap around the edge wall of the middle of a stairwell (on the second upper part of the staircase, slightly hugging the inner edge) so that survivors coming up from below have absolutely 0 clue that it's there and they'll often run right around the staircase inner wall to be efficient. This trap is also fairly well hidden with the darkness of the stairwells so it works quite decently. I'll give another example. On RPD, I had a Meg save from basement and escape, and so I took my old trap placement which was obvious and completely changed the location to SMACK down in the middle of the staircase. This location is so incredibly odd and quite frankly stupid that she didn't expect it and walked straight into it. We're talking about a player that was very cautious and mindful for most of the match.
   
6. Hiding Traps: Speaking of dark locations, this is another really obvious one but you want to prioritize placing traps in very hard to see locations while following the rest of the rules covered. Obviously, lighting matters and your traps will pop out like a sore thumb otherwise. I almost didn't mention this but we're so far in that I have to at this point. You can also trap around corners and that works quite well.
   
7. Pathing Mindgames and Zoning: This is likely the most complicated portion of the things that I wanted to talk about in regards to trapper. Let me just say though that Zoning and mindgames that happen ON AND NOT ON a tile to tile basis are incredibly important. To explain, it's obvious that you want to push a survivor towards a trap when running a tile. I don't want to talk about that since it's so basic on a surface level. What I DO want to talk about is the pathing mindgames that don't happen on a tile to tile basis. The greatest example I have of this is using your terror radius to influence specific survivor pathing. This usually works best on main. The idea is, you want to throw the survivor a bone by saying, "Hey, let me come from this incredibly obvious location so that you are almost guarenteed to run a very specific way." For example, on Haddonfield, you can do this on main and force a survivor to run the two opposite sides of main that both include tall bushes. You might say, "Your average moron wouldn't take that bait." but you'd be incredibly surprised. I think that part of it is that they choose the risk since running to the outskirts of these tall bushes makes them lose a lot of distance and with your M1 perks it makes it very hard for them to want to take pathing that ISN'T the most efficient possible. So they either guess that you're not smart enough to trap that stretch, (which you are, because you planned for this) or they run out into the open street and by the time they get there you've reached them with coup de grace and maybe even with help from STBFL if you hit them sometime earlier. My greatest memory of using this kind of bait is on Eyrie of Crows where I made probably one of the greatest trapper plays I've ever seen. The survivor was running down the side of main (on the outside, going towards the edge of the map) and I was WAY behind, but I did notice their head looking back at me. So what I did, is I faked a cutoff by walking slightly into main (out of view but on the other side of main) and then moonwalking back out into the normal pathing you'd take to reach them. But why? Why would I purposefully sit in a corner for a few seconds so that the survivor can gain distance? The reason is because it's a gamble that pays off INCREDIBLY well if you execute it. What happened, is as predicted, the survivor looking back at me said, "Hey wait, he just ran into main and I've got a completely free and safe tile right here. So I'll just run this way and he'll be wasting his time in main building." It's completely logical and any good player would do that because it's SMART. But, little did this person know, I had a trap on the tile next to main that I baited them into taking because I acted stupid as if I were going to cut them off in the back middle of main building.
   

You might think, "Wow that's incredibly lucky." but I've actually repeated this logic on several maps including badham preschool.

1. 'Trap Gates' Tech (NOT EXIT GATES, THIS IS DIFFERENT): If you've never heard of this terminology, it's because I've never in my entire time playing DBD seen someone use it so I just named it myself. The idea is that if you get a basement hook, you can trap HALF of the available space at the bottom of the long staircase (not short) and if a survivor enters basement (which, you will be patrolling somewhat LOOSELY with FEW TRAPS ACTUALLY IN OR ON SHACK), you can walk down and stand beside your pre-placed trap. You see, the trap isn't for getting the person walking down the stairs. It's incredibly obvious. The real purpose of it is to abuse STBFL stacks and wait out the injured survivor's endurance timer. Since you're patrolling somewhat close to shack, you don't activate the unhook ability for the survivor who's on it and you'll still notice when someone takes their chance to run in because they think it's unprotected. I call this a "Trap Gate". Survivors have no choice but to sit and disarm the trap, in which you can slap them and use STBFL stacks and Coup De Grace to grant yourself two free basement hooks. The ONLY time I've ever seen a team of survivors beat this, is when they literally used THREE PEOPLE for the basement save and for taking hits. I'm sure that trap gates have applications elsewhere but for now I'm not sure. Trap Gates also benefit you greatly since you're making basement INCREDIBLY unsafe with one trap instead of like 3 for every exit. This allows you to place traps across the map more instead of bringing a bunch to basement.
   
2. When to Take Chases: As trapper, it is, and I say this boldly, INCREDIBLY STUPID most of the time to take direct chases. You will go nowhere as trapper with direct chasing all game. You need to plan and articulate future scenarios at every chance you get so that your traps receive as much value from their placement as possible. In some cases, it is very necessary that you get a down for the sake of potential pressure but a lot of the pressure that comes from trapper is from hook trading and catching that other survivor off of hook with either a trap or with your perks that help you achieve that. In the majority of my matches, I am avoiding around 50% or more of the chases that I could be taking and it always leads me to win games in the end. Trapper is not a chase killer. He is a TRAPPER. Use him like one by influencing survivors to do what you want them to do.
   
3. Where to Hook: Basement is #1 priority for the sake of Trap Gate usage. Next to basement in importance is any hook that you have previously surrounded with unknown and unpredictable traps. This multiplies the odds of survivors walking into those unknown traps every time you get a consecutive hook. As Todd Howard once said, "It just works." You DO NOT want to hook in locations that are open and with really no set of available traps to put to use.
   
4. The Power of Exit Gate Trapping: Let's say there are two survivors left with one generator remaining. You know what I say to that usually? "I don't care. Do the gen." I just run to each of the gates, trap it, and then sit mid map. No matter what they do, the notification tells me the location of at least one survivor and since I have STBFL and Coup AND Rapid Brutality, they can't get to the other side of the map realistically. This is of course while having your eyes open so that you can see where they're going (works well with maps like coldwind). I would state the obvious stuff about exit gate trapping (and maybe this section was obvious) but it's fairly boring and extremely simple. This scenario though is one that I don't see enough people use.
   
5. When to Slug (Yes, start screaming but slugging is incredibly useful on trapper if you're smart about it): Often times with trapper, it's not smart to grant yourself a hook state. There can be many reasons for why you wouldn't want to hook a survivor that doesn't include the fact that they're too far from a hook. Quite frankly, they could be right next to a hook and based on the situation I won't actually pick them up. A lot of this relies heavily on the locations of the other survivors. Remember, you're a trapper. If you keep in mind where people are at all times, having two people on the floor near each other is very deadly. Sometimes I'll even pick up a survivor and drop them near the other survivor so that I can maintain some form of pressure in that area (especially if it's trapped). If they crawl away from each other, you can pick up the other one and interrupt the heal by walking through the other downed survivor and towards a nearby hook. Very simple but works wonders. Slugging works best with three players left in the map but it is still VERY useful even with 4 players if you really understand the game well and your trap placements are next to perfect.
   
6. Mindset: Many people don't understand this, but DO NOT be discouraged when you are struggling for pressure during a match. I don't always play for basement (and although basement is incredibly strong with trap gates, I take basement if it comes by me. I don't seek it out) and I still win the majority of my games but you have to learn some patience. Trapper doesn't play like everyone else. He lets his survivors make the mistakes and he's just there to help guide them into feeling stupid. That's really it. Survivors are so incredibly altruistically driven that they will die when they try to be the hero against you; especially if you're smart enough to be ready for that.
   
7. Trapping Dead Ends: A lot of people don't really think about this, but if you're in a map with a lot of corridors and sharp corners, simply trap the end of that windy corridor. Like, think about it. As a survivor you have NO idea that you're walking into a location that has no way out of it. It's like a survivor running straight into their death. For example, on Crotus Penn in the circus area you can trap the wagon thingy (has like an interior and such). So when a survivor is running away from you, they can't go anywhere when they commit to running into it. Another example is on Haddonfield in main building. Trap the upstairs window and when someone runs into main and wants to take that loop, it's completely shut off. Nobody fuckin goes there anyways unless they're in chase and if you do then you're weird af.
   
8. When to Trap: If you're placing traps where people can see you, I'm sorry but you're never going to win a single game doing that. It's practically impossible. Always trap places where only one survivor at a time might know where that trap is but you'll be potentially chasing them anyways so all other survivors have no knowledge of it. Your goal IDEALLY is to have NONE of the survivors know what you're planning. Do NOT let them see you place traps.
   
9. Trapper Collision Disables When Placing Traps: At this point I’m grasping for straws when it comes to new information, but just try not to place a trap when you have a survivor bodyblocked. It’s just dumb. They’ll walk right through you. Wish I could update the title. Oh well.
   
10. Being Aware of Each Survivor: It kind of goes for any killer, but an extremely important thing to keep in mind with Trapper is that you should always ‘feel out’ each survivor. Pay attention to their pathing. Pay attention to what their own little personalities are. If you notice a survivor being particularly weary or a different survivor being incredibly good at looping, play on their weaknesses. FORCE them to play on your ground on your rules. That right there is the beauty of this character. You build your environment and you can be ruthless with your approach if you’re methodical about it. I know this, because I do it every single game and the information I get from watching what everyone likes to do is VERY valuable. For example, I had a sable ward on Crotus Penn who was decent in chase and I said “Nope! See ya.” within about 5 seconds of seeing her movement and efficiency in loops. Later on in the game, I forced her hand by pressuring her teammates and she died right alongside them. Mwahahaha. Some of you might say, “Well you’ve gotta chase SOMEONE!” To that I say, yes, when the time is right and when it benefits me. Knowing when to chase is one of the pointers I already made and there’s a reason I listed it. I can either chase a sable ward as an M1 off the rip of the game with no planning, or I can leave, set some trick up, and play around it later which will likely guarantee me snowball potential instead of a lousy hook stage that was way too much time investment for the payoff.
    
11. Trapping Windows: Some windows are different than others. Since survivors can vault over your traps, you can actually plan for this. For example, some windows have a much higher likelihood that a survivor chooses to fast vault it. For example, a lot of windows in the main building of Eyrie of Crows are almost ALWAYS fast vaulted. I very rarely find survivors medium vaulting those exterior windows. So you can plan for this by placing the trap at fast vault range. For windows that you believe have a higher likelihood of being medium vaulted, you can trap them at medium vault range. Lastly, for windows that trap survivors within them when trapped in expectation of a fast vault, a medium or fast vault wouldn’t matter since they’d get either trapped or damaged either way. I don’t have any examples of this extremely niche scenario, but I am aware of tiles with walls directly next to windows which makes it easier to apply this logic.
    
12. Trapping Pallets: Surprisingly, I don’t trap pallets on the actual pallet itself. I almost ALWAYS trap the edge of the loop that I expect them to run. Why? The reason you do this is so that the likelihood of it being disarmed is close to 0. Trappers that trap right on top of the pallet don’t really make sense to me. Why would you TELL everyone in the entire match that there’s a trap there? Usually, pallets have no grass on them and they’re often checked for traps by survivors but NOBODY checks the edges of loops. Nobody. Windows are tricky because sometimes it’s beneficial depending on where you have pressure in the map and sometimes it’s just garbage. You have to get a feel for it yourself.
    
13. Average Trap Placement For Me: On average, I really don’t AIM to trap pallets or windows. I trap rotation routes. Don’t get me wrong, I DO trap pallets and windows all of the time, and especially at least once or twice a game. More often than that though is when I choose to trap common survivor paths. It’s very hard to play like this, but when you understand how the game is played on a deep level, you can start to trap some really good players with some very unexpected traps. I also tend to throw traps into some very tricky corners where you normally wouldn’t expect them to be and where you wouldn’t be able to see them ahead of time. I get a lot of people with those. I also trap rotation routes coming into hooks that I have survivors on. Quite honestly, my traps are pretty far from hooks but they’re perfectly placed in spots where people WILL come from when trying to save. Like you can almost guarantee it with map awareness. Go try it for yourself. I always laugh to myself because I think, “There’s no fucking way I would EVER have guessed that I would place a trap here if I were the survivor.” and that’s why it works.
    
14. Cycle Your Trap Locations: When you play as a survivor, the first thing you do is you explore part of the map, and then you find the Trapper, and then you go “Oh snap, his side of the map where he came from is probably trapped!” Survivors in their minds often create “safe zones” where they know you haven’t set up any traps. The benefit to this is that you can (once again) take advantage of that by changing up your trap locations mid-game if they’re found. If someone is constantly trying to disarm a trap of yours, just pick that shit up and place it in their spawn territory later. There you go, now the survivor has hopefully no conception in their mind that their own “safe zones” that they’re so confident they’ve ruled out for traps are now trapped and deadly. Or you could just invade their territory off the rip of the game and start laying traps like a chad. Just do it in a way where you’re not being incredibly obvious. Seriously though, if someone finds your trap right in front of you, either hook their ass and pray they don’t comm it to their teammates or pick it up for usage somewhere else. Or just place it on the other side of the tile when you pass by it again. You want the survivors to have as little possible knowledge of where your traps are as possible.
    

Conclusion: Trapper is a very complicated killer and is a character in the game that people never really look twice at. He is extremely underrated if you know what you're doing, and sometimes even the better players in the game are not ready for my tricks. I've proven to myself time and time again that with trapper I'm simply a menace because I give myself absolutely every advantage possible at every step of the way. So I encourage you to take some inspiration and test the waters with one of DBD's oldest characters (if not THE oldest).

May is here. In working to figure out something fun to start this month’s post for playtests, I remembered one of my favorite bits of gaming lore:
This is Free Trader Beowulf, calling anyone...
Mayday, Mayday... we are under attack...
main drive is gone... turret number one not responding.
Mayday... losing cabin pressure fast…
calling anyone... please help...
This is Free Trader Beowulf... Mayday...
That’s the opening to a game that introduced me to science fiction gaming back in the 70s. I hope that your project has something that memorable in it, and that we can help here.
Have a project and need help? Post here. Have fantastic skills for hire? Post here! Want to playtest a project? Have a project and need victims playtesters? Post here! In that case, please include a link to your project information in the post.
We can create a "landing page" for you as a part of our Wiki if you like, so message the mods if that is something you would like as well.
Please note that this is still just the equivalent of a bulletin board: none of the posts here are officially endorsed by the mod staff here.
You can feel free to post an ad for yourself each month, but we also have an archive of past months here.

For every good intention there is to build community it always seems like a lot of social media music groups end up just being another bulletin board at the local music shop, people constantly trying to promote their own bands and shows, but never really actually interacting with each other and supporting each other. Missed opportunities to talk about music venues you like playing at, sharing booking contacts, and helping each other with general resources to be successful.
I don't think in the history of ever has anyone gone into one of these groups, sawsomebody posting a flyer for a show and been like oh yes I want to go to that, unless of course you open up for a major headliner and they have an in to get direct tickets and avoid Ticketmaster LOL

import os
import time
class BulletinBoard:
def __init__(self, filename="messages.txt"):
self.filename = filename
def show_messages(self):
if not os.path.exists(self.filename):
print("No messages to display.")
return
with open(self.filename, "r") as file:
for line in file:
print(line.strip())
def post_message(self, username):
message = input("Write your message:\n")
timestamp = time.strftime("%Y-%m-%d %H:%M:%S")
message_number = self._count_messages() + 1
with open(self.filename, "a") as file:
file.write(f"{timestamp} {username}: {message}\n")
print("Message sent.")
def search_messages(self, query):
found_messages = []
with open(self.filename, "r") as file:
for line in file:
if query in line:
found_messages.append(line.strip())
if found_messages:
print("Found these:")
for msg in found_messages:
print(msg)
else:
print("Nothing found.")
def backup(self):
backup_filename = self.filename.split(".")[0] + "_backup.txt"
with open(self.filename, "r") as src_file, open(backup_filename, "w") as dest_file:
dest_file.write(src_file.read())
print(f"Backup saved as {backup_filename}.")
def _count_messages(self):
if not os.path.exists(self.filename):
return 0
with open(self.filename, "r") as file:
return sum(1 for line in file)
class App:
def __init__(self):
self.user_manager = UserManager()
self.board = BulletinBoard()
def start(self):
print("Welcome to the Retro Bulletin Board!")
while True:
choice = input("What would you like to do?\n"
"1. Make a new account\n"
"2. Log in\n"
"3. Exit\n")
if choice == "1":
self.user_manager.create_account()
elif choice == "2":
if self.user_manager.login():
self.menu()
elif choice == "3":
break
else:
print("Invalid choice.")
def menu(self):
while True:
print("\nBulletin Board Menu:")
option = input("1. See Messages\n"
"2. Post a Message\n"
"3. Search Messages\n"
"4. Backup\n"
"5. Main Menu\n")
if option == "1":
self.board.show_messages()
elif option == "2":
username = self.user_manager.current_user
if not username:
print("Please log in to post.")
continue
self.board.post_message(username)
elif option == "3":
query = input("Search: ")
self.board.search_messages(query)
elif option == "4":
self.board.backup()
elif option == "5":
break
else:
print("Invalid.")
class UserManager:
def __init__(self, filename="logons.txt"):
self.filename = filename
self.current_user = None
def create_account(self):
username = input("Choose a username: \n")
password = input("Pick a password: \n")
with open(self.filename, "a") as file:
file.write(f"{username}:{password}\n")
print(f"Welcome, {username}! Account created.")
def login(self):
username = input("Username: \n")
password = input("Password: \n")
with open(self.filename, "r") as file:
for line in file:
stored_username, stored_password = line.strip().split(":")
if username == stored_username and password == stored_password:
print(f"Welcome back, {username}!")
self.current_user = username
return True
print("Invalid.")
return False
if __name__ == "__main__":
app = App()
app.start()

I post in here often about similar things- but tonight is just one of those nights…
I’m really struggling with not wanting to spend time with my 4 year old daughter. As each day passes, it gets more painful. I don’t know why. She’s a good kid (overall). A little spoiled and an attitude problem, but a good kid. She’s smart, intuitive, loving… her teacher tells me she’s the smartest in the prek class and that she’s an angel. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!
I’m a SAHM and I also have a one year old boy. My husband works shitty hours and I’m a glorified single parent to them. I know that’s part of the issue, but that can’t be changed.
She goes to full day preschool Mon-Fri. She’s also in sports. When she comes home from school I’m instantly in a bad mood. Asking for snacks 24/7, “watch me do this cool trick” every few minutes, “I’m bored what should I do” every few minutes, “can you play with me?” every few minutes. UUUUGGGGHHH I just lose my mind… please go play in your room alone for a little!!!
I don’t enjoy playing. My parents didn’t play with me. I was an only child. I always found something to do. I don’t understand what’s so hard. I’m tired and tired of it. I love going out places with her like shopping, library, amusement parks, etc. We have such a great time. But when it’s us stuck in this house, it just feels like torture.
My husband says this is my fault because to avoid spending play time with her, i would constantly take her out places so she would be entertained and I didn’t have to. He says now she relies on me for entertainment instead of herself. Touché…. But wtf! How can I stop this? I’m not your playmate. I’ll play a board game or do coloring with her and she gets mad that it’s “boring”. You play with friends all day at school, play those imaginary games with them!!!
She started getting hard to be around when she turned 3, and it’s gotten so bad since she’s been 4. Baby brother was born when she was 3.5. I do think some of it has to do with him needing me and taking me more away from her, but it started before him as well.
Please help me. I hate this feeling. I feel immense guilt typing this out about my baby. I just feel like a prisoner when it comes to spending time together in this house

I never wanted to have children, ever. Never had motherly instincts; never got smitten by infants; never felt intrigued by toddlers. My (now ex) husband told me before the wedding that he is getting a vasectomy, and I was totally on board with it. I am a career woman and an adventure seeker. I did get pregnant once at 35 and was 1000% certain I want abortion, never to looked back, never a slither of doubt. It was a nuance and then a relief.
Fast forward to 38 yo, and I accidentally got pregnant under unlikely circumstances when I thought it’s not even possible. To make things worse, it was break-up sex with a partner (42M) that I do not want to have in my life. He is not abusive or evil in any way, but we have irreconcilable differences that we were not able to resolve in 2 years of trying. Plus, he is emotionally immature which is hardly father material. He is supportive of either decision, and would be happy to co-parent as a separated couple.
So here goes the decision process… My career that I worked so hard for will go to trash; I would not be able to balance my current job with parenthood. My financial freedom will downgrade to financial necessities only. I will be stuck with a man I don’t want, and a father I would not necessarily want for my child. Even worse, I wouldn’t be able to find a life partner while I’m raising a baby at least until preschool. I have no ‘village’ and no family where I live. Additionally, I was just about to move to another country, but that would be off the table. All and all, my life that I worked so hard for would be over.
AND YET the flip side is killing me. The biological clock element and realizing this is most probably my last chance. I think about a baby in my arms and I melt. Any time I see a newborn on TV, I feel like a lightning strikes straight through my heart. I feel like with this abortion I am killing a baby; not extracting an undesirable cell growth. I actually think I would be a great mother under the right circumstances (loving partner and financial security).
I am at 5 weeks and already have SA scheduled in a few days. I think I’m sticking to the ‘decision’ I would’ve made at any point earlier in my life. However, the WHAT IF and the LAST CHANCE are torturing me into insanity! I can’t eat; I can’t work; I keep crying; my anxiety is through the roof. I honestly think (hope) the hormones are doing a big number on me.
I’m not even sure what my question or ask is here… I’ve already spent 12 hours on reddit reading other experiences. It would be nice to hear from women who also dealt with the biological clock + hormones + abortion conundrum, and what was the material and emotional outcome…
Thank you very much to all who participate in this subreddit, share experiences, and provide support. It’s been a such a relief to feel not alone.

what schools should I look at for my profile? Let me know! Also is brown (ed) too much of a reach?
Demo: female, white, fairly competitive hs (ranked under top 300 national high schools so like pretty decent), no hooks
Intended major(s): biochem or neuro (only neuro bc I have done research in neuro, had bad migraines for a bit missed about 20% of sixth grade, researched the mutated gene that is thought to cause migraines, have a couple of neuro doctor mentors, wrote book on brain, genuinely really really love!!) and then coupled with a minor or double concentration in writing (have always adored writing, want to pursue in some aspect, think I could combine science and writing to have a difference in making scientific concepts more comprehensible to all). Genuinely am very passionate about both like a lot! If I do not pursue writing will definitely pursue it in ecs in college.
ACT/SAT/SAT II: 1560 (790m/770e)
UW/W GPA and Rank: 4.0uw/4.7w, no rank
Coursework: AP/IB/Dual Enrollment classes, AP/IB scores, etc
School: 11 APS (Bio: 5, Chem, Physics, Environmental science, Lang, Lit, Calc AB, Calc BC, Econ, Spanish, CSP), 10 Honors, 1 academic. Not allowed to take any aps in 9th and only allowed to take 1 in 10th :(

• 3 additional courses (including an additional AP, so 12 aps total) taken to further learning through CTY Johns Hopkins program (AP Psych, epidemiology, forensics).
  
• 3 more courses taken through Coursera because no offerings at school (neuroscience, genetics, and anatomy).
  
• Interned at one of the most well known botanical gardens to learn more about science.
  
• EMT course (passed with an A).
  
• US History over summer (to maximize math and science courses I could take in school).
  

AWARDS:
1) Congressional Award Gold Medal (>400 volunteer hrs, >200 running hours, >200 writing hours, journey shadowing doctors for >50 hrs).
2) Girl Scout Gold Award - writing and published children's book about the brain. will host community readings and lead classes about neuroscience in the elementary schools. will donate over 40 books to youth centers and libraries near me. >80 hours of service.
3) Girl Scout Silver Award - during COVID created a program in which Girl Scouts could continue earning badges and meetings despite quarantine protocols. >50 hours of service.
Then some other minor “awards” like honors societies, a state-qualifying debate comp (but in 9th grade… i no longer do debate), second place in a biotech essay comp (submissions from 4 states) but did going into 9th, state-qualifier for tsa (10th), PGSS alternate :( if I get off alternate might put tho because decently selective (~13% acceptance rate I think), “most happy" award in track this year (called something weird, but that is the idea), etc
May try to enter a couple writing comps before then to have a couple more impactful and recent awards…
EXTRACURRICULARS:
I genuinely love everything I do and could talk about it for forever.
1) co-president of an international 501c3 writing competition nonprofit that receives over 200 submissions from all continents (and >15 countries) and reaches up to 70k people through marketing; started a science platform for kids to submit their work (since beginning of sophomore year). Have insta, TikTok, website, podcast, and newsletter platforms. Started middle of sophomore year.
2) international 501c3 health nonprofit founder and president. post blogs to teach kids about health and medicine (over 300 posts by submissions). additionally have 16 international club chapters from 7 states and 5 countries (3 continents), will have raised more then $10k for our internationally known partner, affiliated w a t10, by college apps through our chapters and donations. Starting chapters at two t25 universities, trying to establish more at others. Also talking to two more people from 2 other countries (and one other continent) to start chapters. Have website and instagram platforms (reaching over 5k different users from 18 countries). Started summer going into junior year. Over 1k followers on Instagram. Selected for innovation internship with ivy league alumni. Started chapter at my school (founder and president), helped partner teens w doctor mentors and secured them shadowing opportunities.
3) Founded and president of a biology club at school to redistribute resources only given to certain students. have over 130 members and 50 active members. host seminars with 4 professionals (including renowned doctor that worked with one of the people who discovered dna structure), four free dissections so far (since beginning of sophomore year). provide academic to ap bio classes with testing treats (during midterms, finals, ap exams, and national science day). established bulletin board at school to post all science opportunities. started resource hub for kids at my school (~600 enrolled students).
4) Executive manager of school newspaper, started a science column to explore themes in science (head writer and editor), expanded distribution to whole district and local businesses, wrote over 26 articles (basically almost every edition since my first month of freshman year). Participated all four years of high school, heavily involved. Went from writer to small leadership role to exec board (4 selected) for 2 years (first to be a 2 year exec).
5) EMT - EMT certified, hoping to work over 100 hours by submissions. Completed >20 hours of shadowing, completed 40-module course with an A. Created online website resource hub for people trying to become an EMT. Inspired to try to start an AP Anatomy course at the high school (currently working to integrate). Started middle of junior year.
6) Research - cold emailed over 20 research professors from universities to find opportunities. assisted an ivy league doctor with a literature review (published and listed in acknowledgments), wrote and published (in peer-reviewed academic journals) two review papers on migraines and hemophilia (under mentorship of T30 PhD student and T10 pharmaceutical company doctor). Additionally attending research program over the summer (~8% acceptance rate) where I will continue to research. Started all research beginning of junior year.
7) Curriculum Council (started beginning of junior)- chosen by admin and staff as one in four (out of >1200) to represent student body in council of school board and admin. led an initiative to start a science research course at school (which will be implemented next year). Part of committee since beginning of junior year.
8) Student government (all 4 years of hs) - chosen as one of fifteen (out of 350 in class) to be student rep, as one in ten (out of 350 in class) to directly advise the principal in event and school planning matters in Principal advisory committee, and as one in eight (out of ~1000) to be on the Student ambassador exec board. Participated in all three of them since 9th grade (4 years).
9) three season varsity athlete. Have participated in every fall season of field hockey since second grade (11 seasons) and play for my high school and in middle school. Have additionally played field hockey in club for eight seasons (total of 19 seasons). Varsity defensive starter. Led clinics for youth to learn field hockey. Also, varsity track and field runner for spring and winter seasons (have participated all four years of high school, 8 seasons by the end of high school).
10) service: do not know which to include,
Girl Scouts - earned Silver award and earning gold award. have earned over 150 service hours and over 50 badges. Girl Scout for ten years.
Service club - leadership in a club that raises over $100,000 for cancer research (small role)
other:

• wrote and published a children’s book on how the brain works (read more in awards section)
  
• Summers:
  

9th- intern at nationally renowned botanical gardens to learn more about science
10th- CTY summer course at Johns Hopkins (epidemiology), started health nonprofit
11th- 8% acceptance rate research program, working as emt

Yes, that's right, friends, my good thing to report today is that my wife and I spent several hours this weekend taking part in a research study at a local university. The team is trying to see if participating in a dance intervention - basically, interpretive dance around the concepts of turtles, the ocean, nets, innovation, etc. - helps promote recall of facts about, and empathy about the plight of, sea turtles. I made a darn fine net, let me tell you what. (And wow, was that some great exercise... I hurt as if I'd spent hours at the gym... arm-waving is NOT easy, friends, especially when you're wearing a big ol' splint thingy on one of them.)
A few cards that came in over the past couple of days are also good, and they're from:
u/Championvilla - I love your My Melody notepaper and I love hearing from you! This was actually a pretty eventful month (even before the turtle bit)... we had some out-of-town friends visiting so we took them to OdySea and some restaurants we like. I haven't been to a Longhorn in a LONG time and now that sounds amazing... maybe I will see if the wife wants to find one this weekend...! I'm also off to look up the book series you recommended. I love fantasy if it's not too .... complicated. I'm way too unfocused for huge worlds I have to remember, but in general it's one of my faves! I hope to write soon.
u/InlanderMaps - Thanks for the fun British Columbia postcard you designed - I love it and I can't wait to show my wife! (She's tied up on the first day of a new job today, but I know she'll love it!) Would love to write back if you want to chat/message your address!
u/laura_eva - Thanks for the fun rainbow sewing supplies card not-tagging me :)
u/zenshark33 - I love this floral postcard you designed - and in fact I WILL be hanging in on a bulletin board near my desk! Thank you for brightening my workday, which is desperately needed lately. Busy times.

trying to fix my partners mod list for NV their game keeps crashing within 5-8 minutes and now when trying to load anywhere near new vegas, my guess is its one of their environment or texture mods or doing a patch improperly, i do know they followed viva new vegas but afterwards added on some other mods, I've never had to read crash logs before so im pretty clueless on what exactly is the culprit and any help would be appreciated, mod list load order and crash log below

 Exception C0000005 caught! Thread: [FNV] BSTaskManagerThread Calltrace: Error initializing symbol store 0x657CF384 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10ED2C9E) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF3A4 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10ED2D0B) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF3BC ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10AA22A2) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF3E0 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10AA10AC) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF3F4 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10A8F037) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF488 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10A7C336) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF490 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x790E25FB) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF4C4 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x790E2999) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF4D8 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10AA141C) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF508 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10A7A408) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF548 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10E8AF5D) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF55C ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10E6DCE9) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF568 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10A61020) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x657CF7C4 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10B55903) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x00000000 ==> -\(°_o)/- (0x10B66B51) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) Registry: REG VALUE DEREFERENCE INFO eax 0x00000000 ebp 0x657CF384 ebx 0x0000000B ecx 0x0000AAAB edi 0x00000000 edx 0x0000005C eip 0x00ED2C9E esi 0x00000000 esp 0x657CF380 Stack: # VALUE DEREFERENCE INFO 0 0x00000000 1 0x657CF3A4 2 0x00ED2D0B 3 0x00000000 4 0x00555580 5 0x005555DC 6 0x0000005C 7 0x00000000 8 0x657CF3E0 9 0x2D273B80 0x0109DBB4 ==> Class: NiPixelData: failed to format F 0x2D273B80 0x0109DBB4 ==> Class: NiPixelData: failed to format 23 0x2D225780 0x0109DBB4 ==> Class: NiPixelData: failed to format 24 0x2D273B80 0x0109DBB4 ==> Class: NiPixelData: failed to format 5D 0x1BB1A260 0x0109BABC ==> Class: NiSourceCubeMap: failed to format 5F 0x2F39B980 0x010EFC34 ==> Class: NiDX9SourceCubeMapData 62 0x540F5A00 0x0109D9C4 ==> Class: NiDevImageConverter 66 0x2D225780 0x0109DBB4 ==> Class: NiPixelData: failed to format 68 0x657CF9BC 0x676E7544 ==> String: "Dungeons\Office\Room\OffRmWallExSm03.NIF" 6A 0x192A3608 0x0102C04C ==> Class: BSShaderTextureSet 6B 0x550F6000 0x010EE4BC ==> Class: NiDX9Renderer 6C 0x2D225780 0x0109DBB4 ==> Class: NiPixelData: failed to format 72 0x1BB1A260 0x0109BABC ==> Class: NiSourceCubeMap: failed to format 74 0x1BB1A260 0x0109BABC ==> Class: NiSourceCubeMap: failed to format 75 0x550F6000 0x010EE4BC ==> Class: NiDX9Renderer 76 0x160FDC78 0x74786574 ==> String: "textures\effects\ShinyBright_e.dds" 77 0x1BB1A260 0x0109BABC ==> Class: NiSourceCubeMap: failed to format 79 0x1BB1A260 0x0109BABC ==> Class: NiSourceCubeMap: failed to format 7D 0x550F6000 0x010EE4BC ==> Class: NiDX9Renderer 82 0x9F99A388 0x74786574 ==> String: "textures\effects\ShinyBright_e.dds" 83 0x657CF8DC 0x01016904 ==> Class: BSStream: failed to format C0 0x657CF698 0x65636966 ==> String: "fice\Room\OffRmWallExSm03.NIF contains an ol" D1 0x802C1000 0x010C7888 ==> Class: hkpRigidBody D4 0x599B0090 0x010C6334 ==> Class: hkReferencedObjectLock DF 0x802C1000 0x010C7888 ==> Class: hkpRigidBody E0 0x143A79B8 0x010301B4 ==> Class: bhkRigidBody: Name: "x " E2 0x143A79B8 0x010301B4 ==> Class: bhkRigidBody: Name: "x " EA 0x802C1000 0x010C7888 ==> Class: hkpRigidBody F4 0x143A79B8 0x010301B4 ==> Class: bhkRigidBody: Name: "x " F5 0x143A79B8 0x010301B4 ==> Class: bhkRigidBody: Name: "x " F8 0x143A79B8 0x010301B4 ==> Class: bhkRigidBody: Name: "x " FB 0x802C1000 0x010C7888 ==> Class: hkpRigidBody FC 0x80E10BA0 0x010CA330 ==> Class: hkScaledMoppBvTreeShape FF 0x0F331594 0x010CA24C ==> Class: bhkMoppBvTreeShape: Name: "0P" Memory: MinimumWorkingSetSize: 200.00 KB MaximumWorkingSetSize: 1.35 MB PeakWorkingSetSize: 2.02 GB WorkingSetSize: 2.02 GB QuotaPeakPagedPoolUsage: 1.17 MB QuotaPagedPoolUsage: 1.00 MB QuotaPeakNonPagedPoolUsage: 919.66 KB QuotaNonPagedPoolUsage: 139.80 KB PageFaultCount: 3.02 MB PagefileUsage: 2.36 GB PeakPagefileUsage: 2.36 GB Module bases: UNABLE TO IDENTIFY MODULE CONTAINING THE CRASH ADDRESS. This can occur if the crashing instruction is located in the vanilla address space, but it can also occur if there are too many DLLs for us to list, and if the crash occurred in one of their address spaces. Please note that even if the crash occurred in vanilla code, that does not necessarily mean that it is a vanilla problem. The vanilla code may have been supplied bad data or program state as the result of an issue in a loaded DLL. 

Mod List (the overwrite file according to them is the files that were left in overwrite that they put into an empty mod)

# This file was automatically generated by Mod Organizer. +overwrite pls fix my crashes thnx +FNVLOD OUTPUT GEN +VNV LOD +LODIFY - Level of detail improvement for your Fallout (TTW And NV Lods) SOGB VERSION +LODIFY - Level of detail improvement for your Fallout (TTW And NV Lods) +Different LOD mods little tweaks and additions +Wasted LOD - Cliffs of Mojave +More LODs Additions and fixes +TCM's LOD Overhaul +FNV LOD Supplementation overpass +FNV LOD Supplementation +LOD additions and improvements +Much Needed LOD fixed rocks color +Much Needed LOD +FNVLODGen +LOD Fixes and Improvements - NVSE +LOD_separator +PATCH -NVAC - New Vegas Anti Crash +Legacy Reborn - Mojave Cliffs +Legacy Reborn Texture Pack +Nut Vegas - Landscapes +Remastered Quarries +GECK Extender +GECK Extender MAIN +PATCH_separator +bsp_textures +6IXES Clutter Texture Pack NV Edition +Improved ED-E Textures +WTH - Weapon Textures from Heaven patch +WTH - Weapon Textures from Heaven +Metal Armors Metalized - 2K Metal Armor Re-textures +MGs Neat Clutter Retextures mop +Improved Super Mutants Textures +Improved Rex Textures +Improved Military Cyberdogs Textures +Improved Cyberdogs Textures +MGs Neat Clutter Retextures fire hydrant +Feral Ghoul Retexture by Koldorn +MGs Neat Clutter Retextures tape +Desert Landscapes +MGs Neat Clutter Retextures globe +MGs Neat Clutter Retextures beige pack +MGs Neat Clutter Retextures cigs +MGs Neat Clutter Retextures ammo +NCR Trooper Overhaul_beta +IHWT - Improved Heavy Weapons Textures +Power Armor Visual Enhancement (PAVE) plugin +Power Armor Visual Enhancement (PAVE) +Weapon Retexture Project - WRP hotfix +Weapon Retexture Project - WRP +Weapon Mesh Improvement Mod +Wasteland Flora and Terrain Overhaul +Hi-Res Typewriter +Chem Retextures +AmmoBox-Grenade-Mine Re-Textures +Micro Clutter +Audley's Miscellaneous Textures +Misc and Food Stuff Re-texture +TEXTURES MISC_separator +Textures Over A Very Long Time CRACKS +Textures Over A Very Long Time RUBBLE +Textures Over A Very Long Time ROCKS +Textures Over A Very Long Time LAND +Textures Over A Very Long Time GRASS +Textures Over A Very Long Time WALLS +Textures Over A Very Long Time +Idle Variety ESPless +NMCs_Texture_Pack_For_New_Vegas p2 REA; +Clothes HD - Brotherhood +Posters HD Remade +Billboards HD Remade +EVE - Essential Visual Enhancements +Fabulous New Vegas +Unique Books +Hoover Dam Signs HD +White Horsenettle HD +Broc Flower HD +Xander Root HD +Bulletin Board HD +Unique Journals +Various Signs HD +Sunset Sarsaparilla HD +regular rugs idk man +Casino Rugs HD +Clothes HD - Workers +Clothes HD - Wasteland +Clothes HD - Kings +Clothes HD - Gamblers +Clothes HD - Prewar +Clothes HD - Great Khans +Clothes HD - Powder Gangers +Clothes HD - Doctors +Clothes HD - Kids +Flags HD +Clothes HD - Unique +NMCs_Texture_Pack_For_New_Vegas p2 +NMCs_Texture_Pack_For_New_Vegas +3D Rain +Interior Rain +Cloud Upgrade NVSE +High Resolution Bloom NVSE +Desert Natural Weathers - NV - TTW +Vish's Patch Hub (YUP) +Atmospheric Lighting Tweaks (Interior Lighting for FNV and TTW) +A Little More Lamplight +More Consistent Vanilla Rock Textures (Less Green Clifftops) +High Resolution Water Fog - Water Aliasing Fix +Wasted Rocks Normals +Landscape Texture Improvements +Improved LOD Noise Texture +NV Compatibility Skeleton +Smooth True Iron Sights Camera +Muzzle Flash Light Fix - NVSE +Viewmodel Shading Fix - NVSE +Mostly Fixed FaceGen Tints (NV or TTW) +VISUALS_separator +Better Character Creation +Essential Vanilla Enhancements Merged +Faster Terminals +Companions Infinite Ammo +New Vegas - Enhanced Camera +Bad Touch NVSE +Auto-Save Manager +Faster Sleep-Wait +Better Caravan +Delay DLC Redux +Follower Tweaks +Immersive Recoil 2.0 +Just Sprint Plus - Expansion for JAM and JVS +Clean Just Assorted Mods (JAM) comp wheel +Clean Just Assorted Mods (JAM) +JLM Grab Tweak +JAM viva config +JAM - Just Assorted Mods +GAMEPLAY_separator +Vanilla HUD Remastered +High Res Local Maps +The Mod Configuration Menu +UI_separator +Impostors and LOD Flicker Fix +Swimming Creatures Fix - ESPless +Strip Lights Region Fix +ExRB - Extended Roombounds +Crafting Consistency Fix +Depth of Field Fix - NVSE +External Emittance Fix - NVSE +Fallout Alpha Rendering Tweaks - NVSE +Aqua Performa - Strip Performance Fix +MoonlightNVSE +ActorCause Save Bloat Fix +Climate Control NVSE +Pip-Boy Shading Fix NVSE +Improved Lighting Shaders +Meshes and Collision - Totally Enhanced Nifs (MAC-TEN) +PipBoyOn Node Fixes +skinned mesh improvement mod +New Vegas Mesh Improvement Mod - NVMIM +Iron Sights Aligned +ISControl Enabler and Ironsights adjuster (now ESPless) +Viewmodel Shake Fix - NVSE +VATS Lag Fix +Combat Lag Fix (NVSE) +lStewieAl's Engine Optimizations +Stewie Tweaks Essentials INI +lStewieAl's Tweaks and Engine Fixes +Improved AI (Navmesh Overhaul Mod) +Unofficial Patch NVSE Plus +Yukichigai Unofficial Patch - YUP +BUG FIXES_separator +idk man +KEYWORDS +UIO - User Interface Organizer +ShowOff xNVSE Plugin +Basic Console Autocomplete +Console Paste Support +Improved Console (NVSE) +kNVSE Animation Plugin +FNV Mod Limit Fix +Yvile's Crash Logger +NVTF - INI Presets +NVTF - New Vegas Tick Fix +JohnnyGuitar NVSE +UTLITIES_separator +JIP LN NVSE Plugin INI +JIP LN NVSE Plugin +Fixed ESM's *DLC: CaravanPack *DLC: ClassicPack *DLC: DeadMoney *DLC: GunRunnersArsenal *DLC: HonestHearts *DLC: LonesomeRoad *DLC: MercenaryPack *DLC: OldWorldBlues *DLC: TribalPack 

i noticed they had NVAC on and when i disabled that the crashes happened less but they still happen so i do have a log from when NVAC was on if thats needed

Recently came across a Reddit post looking for a Discord server to hang out in so I decided to make one just right now!
So far this is what we have:

• Bulletin Board: for introducing yourself, sharing social media (optional), question of the day, server suggestions
• Lobby: General chat, chika minute, fitness and health, self-improvement
• Diary: SKL, vent, love life
• Gallery: General gallery, selfies and outfits, sceneries, food, pets
• Voice Channels: General, coworking, chika, movie night, gaming and AFK
• Also open for suggestions/recommendations on how to improve the server and make it more fun!

About you (if you're interested in joining):

• 18+
• Not a creep please bawal bastos dito
• Outgoing and madaldal sana para di maging inactive kagad yung server
• Respects privacy and boundaries, respectful in general
• No BBM/DDS apologists !

Also looking for moderators who can help with bots!
Here's the link: https://discord.gg/bQKnfG4n 💌
See you there!

I am in charge of doing the bulletin board at my son’s school for teacher appreciation week. Normally, I can come up with pretty clever ideas. Given the topic I am struggling with coming up with an idea. Not sure on how I will decorate it. It doesn’t need to be funny or punny however it would be preferred. Obviously grade school appropriate.
If anybody has any ideas, what I could say other then “thank you teacher” that would be amazing.

Hi,
I work for a program that “remodels” food pantries into healthier spaces. My newest client is a nonprofit that provides resources to the unhoused. One of their onsite resources is a pantry that can be visited by their clients as often as they need.
We came up with the idea to create a bulletin board with recipes on it that would use shelf stable pantry items. Specifically oats, canned beans, tuna, or something including a vegetable. The idea is that the clients can grab a recipe while waiting for their food.
I was wondering if you could help me come up with any meals/snacks that are easy to prepare under these circumstances.
Thank you in advance!

Throwaway for whatever reason. Perhaps I should put a CW: Mental Health, Infidelity
I don’t even know the right place to post any of this, and who knows if it will even help, but I’m feeling very lost. This post will likely be a long one, I’m anxious and tend to ramble and over explain, kind of like I’m doing now.
I’ve been with my (soon to be ex) wife let’s call her Vivian for 11 years, married for 5. We’re both 30, I’m older by only a few months but we started dating shortly after my 19th birthday. And it was absolutely wonderful. We had the sort of relationship that I could tell others looked up to. We communicated well, our “fights” were calm rational discussions at worst, and very infrequent. Our families love each of us, we truly seemed to be soulmates, something she had said she didn’t even believe in before me. Even the sex was great. It was like a fairy tale.
From the very day she came over for our first “date” (she thought it was a date, I had too low self-esteem to think anyone would be interested in me, and had just been snubbed by a highschool crush) we hardly spent a night apart. It wasn’t until years later we slept in separate beds. Other than her literally moving in with me, we took things at a pretty steady pace. I finally proposed to her in 2018 after plenty of discussion and of course she said yes.
We were thrown a curveball when shortly after we found out Vivian was pregnant. My wife was in birth control but admittedly struggled here and there to be consistent. We should have been safer, but we did want children together and while we would have liked to wait until after marriage we decided to pull back wedding plans so we could focus our finances on what we’d need as soon to be parents. We had a small gathering at her sisters home, she wore a pretty white dress with her round belly and in December of 2018 I finally got the privilege to call her wife.
I have struggled nearly my entire life with bi-polar depression, anxiety, adhd, ocd, and just general mental health struggles. My wife of course knew this, but having someone like her there for me was helpful and I was able to get through a lot of it. Something around that time we got married and she was pregnant, something changed. I don’t know what, if it was my souls crushing car sales job or the worries of being an adequate father and husband were too much, but I spiraled. I spiraled hard. I still remember putting my hand to my glovebox which I knew contained a gun and having flash images run through my head of a sobbing pregnant Vivian, so of course I didn’t do what I had planned too. In January of 2019 we welcomed our beautiful daughter, let’s call her Sarah, into the world. It’s cliché, but that truly was the happiest day of my life.
The next 5 years were hell for Vivian. I bounced from toxic jobs to unemployment. I’d casually used marijuana plenty but I started pretty heavy (never around Sarah) I lost interest in many things we used to share like board games, puzzles, TV shows, etc. We used to spend a lot of time just vibing on the couch, but I stopped watching TV and I got a PC so I’d stopped console gaming on the couch as well. Vivian has a PC as well, but other than BG3 recently there haven’t been a lot of games we shared interest in. I seemed to get worse by the day, I hardly remember anything, it’s like a fog. I had friends drag me from my house to a hospital for very genuine threats of self unaliving. I asked Vivian to lock my guns and hide the key a few years ago. I still don’t have access to them, by my request. Vivian did all of it, while neither of us are well off, she was still the “breadwinnner” and she took care of Sarah, she did the laundry, she cleaned the home, often times this would even be the case while I was unemployed. Obviously Covid didn’t help with my mental state. I saw a therapist, but she wasn’t good for me. Near the end she had started venting about her relationships in our sessions, she was quite friendly, would tell me I’m handsome (I thought it was to help self-esteem at first, it’s something I struggle with. I’m not ugly, I’m tall, but I’m overweight and just generally self-conscious) I didn’t tell my wife at the time why I decided to leave therapy, but it was mostly because I believe my therapist was sexually interested in me. It’s not that she wasn’t attractive, but even in my darkest depths I have valued my wife far too much to cheat. It’s not in my character. In fact, Vivian knew that it was one of my greatest fears and insecurities. She knew TOO well. I would constantly question and grill her in that subject to ease my anxieties. I felt like I just needed to hear her tell me that things were ok and that wasn’t something she would do to me. Perhaps it stems from me knowing she cheated on a friend of mine in high school, perhaps it stems from abandonment issues with my parents, I don’t know. I always trusted Vivian, and it was unfair to her that I made her feel like I didn’t. But I let anxiety and depression consume me. I also made jokes about Sarah being someone else’s probably too many times. I never asked for a paternity test, I know she’s mine. It’s very clear.
Anyway, January of last year Vivian comes to me and says she feels like I’ve given up. She’s talked to her therapist about divorce, she doesn’t think it’s the right move, but if I don’t want this I should tell her. I was blindsided, I’d had no idea she was feeling any of this. I had been living in my own little world and I thought things were just… fine? Especially because previously we had communicated well in the past, so I was shocked I hadn’t heard anything leading up to this. I found out she had talked to a mutual friend of ours, let’s call him Drake, about these issues. It felt like borderline emotional cheating, I’ve never been one to want to air every little problem we have to everyone, I want to handle things internally first. Part of that is probably and image issue. Anyway, I did get upset and tried to explain that she’d crossed a line, I didn’t want her talking to other men about our marital problems. See the song “Pussy Vultures” by DGD. She agreed to not, I asked her to help me find another therapist and that I wanted to work on things. I did get diagnosed with hypothyroidism as well, but until recently I did not do a good job of taking my medication. I had toxic job for a toxic boss, she never helped with the therapist, and things didn’t really change much.
Vivian connected with an old high school friend at a Christmas party 2023. I didn’t go purely to mental health reasons. I was the one who originally started this “Friendsmas” tradition, and I didn’t even go. The guy, we’ll call him Baldy, and his wife, we’ll call her Chelsea, have a little boy just a bit less than a year older than Sarah named let’s say Ashton. Sarah had some issues in preschool, and Ashton had been having some issues in preschool, so Vivian and that couple bonded a bit and decided to set up some time for the kids to get together. Sarah has since been removed from her preschool, she’s in behavioral therapy, and has been recently diagnosed with low spectrum autism and moderate adhd. Being neurodivergent myself of course this doesn’t make me love Sarah any less, but it helps to know how we need to handle things. I love Sarah with my whole heart and I’m happy she’s getting the help she needs. I went to one party at Baldy and Chelsea’s, they were nice and stuff, the friends they had all seemed to be of high school maturity but whatever, to each their own. Sarah had a blast with Ashton though, so Vivian and Baldy set up some future play dates. Usually these happened while I was at work or otherwise. September of last year I did get a fairly low income but low stress job. It’s not much, but I’ve been able to contribute meaningfully to bills and it gives me the free time to take Sarah to her appointments and dance class, so it works. It’s been great for my mental health as well.
Early February I took my wife out for her birthday. Admittedly I involved her in the planning much more than she would have liked, but the activities were fun and we had a nice day. Other than the fact that I got a call my grandfather (who lives a couple states over, about 8 hours away) had been in rapidly depleting health. They’d called in hospice. I took time off work and that weekend I went to be with him. We were close, I’d visit there home every summer, we talked a lot other than the last couple years where his draining health from COPD made him angry and bitter. I was glad to be able to help my grandma and see my grandpa that last time. In February 13th he passed away in his sleep in front of me. I was the first to notice he was gone.
And then, something clicked. I’d never lost someone this close to me. I looked back in his short 66 years here and realized, he was a person that was always doing what he wanted. He had LIVED his life, truly and fully. He knew about some of my struggles and a few years before he’d passed he opened up to me about some similar things he’d struggled with. If he could do it, so could I. I didn’t want to be doing the things I was doing, I wanted to get better. And I wanted to get better for ME. I was excited, I called Vivian on my way to get her as she was going to ride back with me the following day to be with my family after my grandpas passing. I was ready to be better for her and Sarah. The self unaliving thoughts I’d had since high school had vanished. It was replaced by something I’m not sure I’ve ever felt, motivation. It was surreal.
When I picked up Vivian though, I could tell something was off, but I didn’t want to pry in front of Sarah. The morning after we arrived at my grandmothers I talked to Vivian to ask her what was going on, something was clearly off. She wasn’t sure if she still wanted to be with me. She had feelings for someone else. She’d been talking to Drake and Baldy about marital things while promising me she wasn’t. Again, things she didn’t share with me. It’s worth noting we made a pact about promises early in our relationship, they were our fallback of honesty. Promises were not to be sworn lightly. Worst of all, she had made out with Baldy. She cheated on me. She did it the very day my grandpa died. I was shocked. They’d been talking in some romantic facet for 3 weeks - month behind my back. Apparently Baldy and Chelsea are in an open marriage. Also apparently, romantic feelings weren’t on the table though. Chelsea wasn’t happy, neither was I. They never sent pictures, they never touched each other intimately other than the kiss. It was a horrible betrayal. I knew she’d been having issues, I know I wasn’t the best, but I didn’t deserve that.
We decided to work on things, go to marriage counseling (something I’d told her I was open to a year previous, and suggested if she ever felt like leaving again we should try that first. We should have tried it then) and I really did make strides. The therapist I’d seen for 1 session previous to my revelation could tell I was no longer there for someone else, but for me. I helped around the house. I did things for Vivian she’d never seen me do. I really really tried. We did fun stuff together all of it. As we’d discussed could happen, I had a bit of a relapse a few weeks ago. Started smoking more weed, staying up later, playing more games. I tried to assure her it was temporary this time I was going to pull myself up. I refused to go back to the wretch I was. But it was too much. She told me just about two weeks ago now that she was done. She wants divorce. Of course I didn’t want that outcome. We are very entwined after these 11 years, Sarah is starting kindergarten soon, I’m actually finally working on me. But it’s too late. I’ve been staying at the house I grew up in. Vivian has been cordial, she’s requested space and while I wasn’t good at that for the first few days, I’ve been working on that too. I asked her if she could explain why, and why now, she said she couldn’t really voice it, she isn’t the talker that I am, but she’d write it down. I figured I’d do the same since I was asking her to. We touched on nearly all the same points, I’d made it clear I had heard what she needed, was sorry I hadn’t done many things, and was truly working on it. It made her upset that I knew all these things but had been doing them anyway. I don’t know what I could possibly do. It doesn’t help that most of our mutual friends have shut her out as a result of her infidelity. I did not request this, but I understand their anger and disappointment. It just sucks that I’m ready to be better, and I don’t get the chance to prove it. I feel like she’s giving up on me, like I have no value, I’m not worth the wait. She says she’s choosing herself. We’ve talked about options, she doesn’t want to get lawyers involved. But it looks like either legal separation or divorce. I would have never expected all those years ago this fairy tale would end this way. I still want to get better, I want to take all that energy I’d planned on putting into my marriage and turn it inward. Be a better person and dad. I just wish everything didn’t have to be so hard. She’s already unblocked and started talking to Baldy.
I just don’t know where to go from here. I think I’m fine then things just hit in waves. I downloaded tinder thinking maybe I should at least try some hookups but maybe it’s too soon? I know apps like that can be superficial and toxic. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or if I just need to vent. I hate this.
TL;DR got with a girl at 19, had a great time, had a kid and got married, I spiraled in my depression and damaged our relationship, she cheated on me the day my grandpa died, we wanted to work on it, but two months later she’s done.

So I’m at the point of no return but there’s still a few suits I wanna get. How do I unlock the precious treasure side quest in the bulletin board, it’s not showing up for me and I want thr swimsuit.

A local salon recently invited me to fill a covered bulletin board on their exterior with my art. It’s behind glass and under an awning. Would my acrylic on canvas paintings be okay underneath? Or should I work on getting prints made of the pieces I want to display? I don’t think it ever gets too sunny under there but worry about the lack of climate control. Thanks for your insight!