Funny things to post
r/AnimeFunny
2013.12.14 17:56 r/AnimeFunny
Welcome to /AnimeFunny, a subreddit to post and discuss all funny things anime related!
2011.08.30 19:29 satayjo2 A place where we can laugh at our non-human friends.
Welcome to the subreddit for our funny animal friends!
2014.11.01 07:06 FuckinHomerunChippah JustUnsubbed: ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴛʀᴀᴡ
This sub is for sharing what made you unsubscribe from a subreddit, or from other sites occasionally. A safe space for people to vent.
2024.05.21 15:05 Sol_on_432Hz The matter between my ex and I is going through court now! Now have an AVO BUT… I still have footage of us though and I still find it hot
Has anyone experienced this.
If you refer to my previous posts you’ll see that my ex choked me and I fled to a homeless refuge because I was experiencing abuse from my father too.
Now …. I still have sexual videos of us, which I am 99% sure my ex wouldn’t care about me having. He’s always say things like “it doesn’t matter if you’re married, or if we go 10 years without talking, if I see you in public I’d still f- you”.
But for the sake of my own psyche, I’m not sure how healthy it is to find it attractive. I don’t actively watch them, I haven’t even revisited most of them, I don’t need to because the sheer thought of them turns me on like nothing bad happened.
I don’t want to invalidate this part of me that is turned on by something if no one is at harm (after all, we have an AVO now) but at the same time I don’t know how healthy it is to be turned on by the thought of me having footage of me being sexual with someone who assaulted me.
Has anyone experienced similar feelings?
submitted by Sol_on_432Hz to abusiverelationships [link] [comments]
If you refer to my previous posts you’ll see that my ex choked me and I fled to a homeless refuge because I was experiencing abuse from my father too.
Now …. I still have sexual videos of us, which I am 99% sure my ex wouldn’t care about me having. He’s always say things like “it doesn’t matter if you’re married, or if we go 10 years without talking, if I see you in public I’d still f- you”.
But for the sake of my own psyche, I’m not sure how healthy it is to find it attractive. I don’t actively watch them, I haven’t even revisited most of them, I don’t need to because the sheer thought of them turns me on like nothing bad happened.
I don’t want to invalidate this part of me that is turned on by something if no one is at harm (after all, we have an AVO now) but at the same time I don’t know how healthy it is to be turned on by the thought of me having footage of me being sexual with someone who assaulted me.
Has anyone experienced similar feelings?
2024.05.21 15:05 TinyLagoonStudios Marketing tips for gaming hits
What does it take to get a great game to become a success in 2024? We have had a look into the latest charts, analytics and surveys to extract some insights to help decipher how to turn a game into a hit.
But don’t underestimate the power of traditional methods either, as word-of-mouth recommendations, online ads, TV, and in-store and online promotions still play a huge part in the discoverability of games, specifically by helping generate trustworthiness, a key feature of successful marketing. Meanwhile, community hubs like Twitch, Reddit and Discord also have a very crucial role in product sustainability and longevity, as another recent survey³ indicated by stating that approximately 67% of gamers think video games help to build communities and many have established new friendships and even relationships through gaming. Could your game do that too? If you’re new to Reddit or Discord, take a look at our article here for some tips on getting started.
That being said, there’s no need to pick just one platform, as statistics show that people actually use 4 to 5 sources to discover new games. Gone are the days of a one-size-fits-all approach. Today's gamers are a diverse bunch, and understanding their habits is crucial. The key takeaway? A successful marketing strategy should use a multi-platform approach, carefully tailored to your audience.
Looking at the global charts for 2023⁴ and at the top-selling games from April in the EU⁵, it becomes apparent that localisation is a common thread. Let’s look more specifically at France: almost every single one of the top 20 best-selling console games of 2023⁶ has been localised to French, as well as a number of other languages, including Arabic, as is the case with Assassin's Creed Mirage. This particular title makes a very interesting case study of localisation and culturalisation becoming powerful marketing tools themselves, as well as being key to the game’s experience.
Assassin's Creed Mirage was released with an Arabic dub that wasn't just for show. Praised for its authenticity, the accurate localisation, realistic voice acting and cultural details transported players directly into the bustling streets of 9th-century Baghdad. The localisation team meticulously recreated the cultural atmosphere. From the way the characters addressed each other to the background conversations, everything felt authentic. This commitment to culturalisation not only resonated deeply with Arabic-speaking gamers, but also garnered respect from players worldwide, earning positive reviews and strong engagement for Mirage (as seen in this TikTok example). Consequently, the dedication to localisation and culturalisation not only enhanced the game but also acted as a powerful marketing tool in itself to promote sales.
Talking about TikTok, recent studies also reveal that the most popular games on the platform have been localised into several languages⁷. As a social media platform that prides itself on its international communities, it’s only to be expected this would be the case. In fact, they recently announced that bilingual ads in Spanish and English are even more effective in promoting content on their platform in the US than English-only ads! And, on top of that, they increased consumers’ perception of brands’ trustworthiness⁸.
So what can we learn from looking at a recent unexpected rising star? And yes, we are talking about Helldivers 2! With very little pre-launch marketing, the game quickly became a massive hit throughout Europe⁹ and other regions¹⁰, and it seems to be managing to keep its popularity thanks to its very well-crafted and unique tone of voice. The game's distinct communication style, a blend of dark humour and military jargon, is a key part of its charm. From the hilariously over-the-top mission briefings to the satire-packed and irony-tinted community announcements, their propaganda-inspired marketing, perfectly localised into several languages, keeps players engaged globally.
Sources:
¹ https://indd.adobe.com/view/8892459e-f0f4-4cfd-bf47-f5da5728a5b5?allowFullscreen=true
² https://www.biggamesmachine.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/BGM-Game-discovery-survey-2024.pdf
³ https://www.aevi.org.es/web/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/POP_Version_09-10-spread.pdf
⁴ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/gamesindustrybiz-presents-the-year-in-number-2023
⁵ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/fallout-4-jumps-to-no1-across-europe-following-tv-show-launch
⁶ https://www.sell.fsites/default/files/essentiel-jeu-video/ejv_mars_2024_3.pdf
⁷ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/gamesindustrybiz-presents-the-year-in-number-2023
⁸ https://www.tiktok.com/business/en/blog/bilingual-ads-spanish-hispanic-audience
⁹ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/european-game-sales-strong-in-february-thanks-to-helldivers-2-european-monthly-charts
¹⁰ https://www.gamedeveloper.com/business/helldivers-2-is-estimated-to-have-sold-8-million-copies-so-far-
submitted by TinyLagoonStudios to u/TinyLagoonStudios [link] [comments]
Finding your players: who’s in your squad?
The gaming population keeps increasing year by year¹, comprising people from all ages and regions, but how are most players discovering new games? Well, the answer is multifaceted, but luckily we found a survey, published this month, May 2024², to inform us — and yes, this one included non-binary people, a segment of the population you don’t want to ignore in your research! At the top spot, we find YouTube; the most popular and trusted platform to discover games, followed by TikTok. Both are known for their short and long-form video content, as we predicted would be more relevant than ever this year.But don’t underestimate the power of traditional methods either, as word-of-mouth recommendations, online ads, TV, and in-store and online promotions still play a huge part in the discoverability of games, specifically by helping generate trustworthiness, a key feature of successful marketing. Meanwhile, community hubs like Twitch, Reddit and Discord also have a very crucial role in product sustainability and longevity, as another recent survey³ indicated by stating that approximately 67% of gamers think video games help to build communities and many have established new friendships and even relationships through gaming. Could your game do that too? If you’re new to Reddit or Discord, take a look at our article here for some tips on getting started.
That being said, there’s no need to pick just one platform, as statistics show that people actually use 4 to 5 sources to discover new games. Gone are the days of a one-size-fits-all approach. Today's gamers are a diverse bunch, and understanding their habits is crucial. The key takeaway? A successful marketing strategy should use a multi-platform approach, carefully tailored to your audience.
Internationalisation done well: customising your build
So, we've looked at who your audience is, now it's the turn of localisation. Counting on experts to help you enter a new market and establish trust through a different cultural lens is a strategy that today's top games follow.Looking at the global charts for 2023⁴ and at the top-selling games from April in the EU⁵, it becomes apparent that localisation is a common thread. Let’s look more specifically at France: almost every single one of the top 20 best-selling console games of 2023⁶ has been localised to French, as well as a number of other languages, including Arabic, as is the case with Assassin's Creed Mirage. This particular title makes a very interesting case study of localisation and culturalisation becoming powerful marketing tools themselves, as well as being key to the game’s experience.
Assassin's Creed Mirage was released with an Arabic dub that wasn't just for show. Praised for its authenticity, the accurate localisation, realistic voice acting and cultural details transported players directly into the bustling streets of 9th-century Baghdad. The localisation team meticulously recreated the cultural atmosphere. From the way the characters addressed each other to the background conversations, everything felt authentic. This commitment to culturalisation not only resonated deeply with Arabic-speaking gamers, but also garnered respect from players worldwide, earning positive reviews and strong engagement for Mirage (as seen in this TikTok example). Consequently, the dedication to localisation and culturalisation not only enhanced the game but also acted as a powerful marketing tool in itself to promote sales.
Talking about TikTok, recent studies also reveal that the most popular games on the platform have been localised into several languages⁷. As a social media platform that prides itself on its international communities, it’s only to be expected this would be the case. In fact, they recently announced that bilingual ads in Spanish and English are even more effective in promoting content on their platform in the US than English-only ads! And, on top of that, they increased consumers’ perception of brands’ trustworthiness⁸.
So what can we learn from looking at a recent unexpected rising star? And yes, we are talking about Helldivers 2! With very little pre-launch marketing, the game quickly became a massive hit throughout Europe⁹ and other regions¹⁰, and it seems to be managing to keep its popularity thanks to its very well-crafted and unique tone of voice. The game's distinct communication style, a blend of dark humour and military jargon, is a key part of its charm. From the hilariously over-the-top mission briefings to the satire-packed and irony-tinted community announcements, their propaganda-inspired marketing, perfectly localised into several languages, keeps players engaged globally.
The final boss: putting it all together
By understanding which platforms your audiences use, their motivations and demographics, and by prioritising localisation to enter different markets, you can significantly increase a game's chances of becoming a global phenomenon. Remember, sometimes it’s the little things, like changing the way you approach new markets, that make a big difference. If you need a partner to help you on your journey, get in touch with us here and our team at Tiny Lagoon will be thrilled to join you.Sources:
¹ https://indd.adobe.com/view/8892459e-f0f4-4cfd-bf47-f5da5728a5b5?allowFullscreen=true
² https://www.biggamesmachine.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/BGM-Game-discovery-survey-2024.pdf
³ https://www.aevi.org.es/web/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/POP_Version_09-10-spread.pdf
⁴ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/gamesindustrybiz-presents-the-year-in-number-2023
⁵ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/fallout-4-jumps-to-no1-across-europe-following-tv-show-launch
⁶ https://www.sell.fsites/default/files/essentiel-jeu-video/ejv_mars_2024_3.pdf
⁷ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/gamesindustrybiz-presents-the-year-in-number-2023
⁸ https://www.tiktok.com/business/en/blog/bilingual-ads-spanish-hispanic-audience
⁹ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/european-game-sales-strong-in-february-thanks-to-helldivers-2-european-monthly-charts
¹⁰ https://www.gamedeveloper.com/business/helldivers-2-is-estimated-to-have-sold-8-million-copies-so-far-
2024.05.21 15:05 sinkintins Sponsor Night
Hey everyone, I've just returned home from the player sponsor trivia night as representative for our adopted child, Josh Weddle. Apologies in advance as I had no idea what to expect, the comms seemed to indicate there was limited contact but the players literally sat and ate with us the whole time. Otherwise I would've banked up some questions from you all, although I did my best to ask about all sorts of things.
As for how the night went down, I literally had no idea what to expect. Walking into Glenferrie Hotel, we took our name tags and walked to our table only to walk in on virtually the whole team hanging around. The staff had us leave that area for a little bit whilst they got prepared, and whilst enjoying a nice frothie, in walks Sic, Hardwick and Watson. We gave each other the nod as they entered.
When we were allowed to go to our table, we took our seats, when a voice from behind asked us: "how are you guys going tonight?" by none other than Luke Breust. We had a good chat for 15 minutes, I congratulated him on his newborn and he told me about how he was finding fatherhood (all going great). Another person from the table started speaking to Breusty, but that's when our lord and saviour and adopted child Josh Weddle arrived. First things first, Josh Weddle is an absolute legend and we couldn't have had a more perfect player to sponsor. He was super genuine and actively engaged in conversation with the table the whole time.
I let him know how much we at /hawktalk love him and are impressed by him. I also told him he's never allowed to leave the hawks and that I'll glue him to Dingley if I have to. Weddle gave off some great vibes about how much he enjoys being at Hawthorn, so I don't think we have anything to worry about there. I also learned an interesting fact that he was originally a North supporter growing up, which shocked me as I had read he was always Hawks. He said he saw the Hawks link reported on, but wasn't sure where that came from haha.
We spoke about our heartbreaking loss, and I framed a question around whether we planned to go defensive like we did, or whether the game just went that way for us. He couldn't say much, but indicated that the team felt comfortable with the lead and just happened to fall into a defensive mindset. He also didn't appreciate the tag he received for 3 quarters haha. He also was really keen on the fact we were only a couple of wins away from the top 8. I told him I thought we played fantastic regardless of the result, and that at least this happened in a bit of a nothing H&A game rather than say a 3 point win in a prelim leading to a grand final cough cough 2014 ;) we still have that over them hahahah
We also spoke about his interests, hobbies, etc.
I was able to have another chat with Breusty, I spoke with him about his future post-AFL life and how clubs work with players to prepare them for post-AFL life.
Half way in, none other than our senior coach Sammy Mitchell made an appearance and came by every table to have a quick chat. Unfortunately I only was able to have a quick handshake and told him I love what he's done for the team. Was hoping to catch him again before he left, but sadly missed him.
Over the night I got to have quick chats with Nick Watson (told him I loved his energy on field), CJ (told him I missed him and glad he's back in the side, also to get his brother traded to us lol), Sam Frost (spoke a bit about the upcoming Brissie game and how great he's been, said he can probably leave Daniher on his own since Joe will probs kick it on the full anyway which he had a laugh about), Ethan Phillips (told him he had an awesome debut), James Blanck (told him he's going to have to fight Phillips now haha), DGB (said he sounds like he has a wrestler name, which he said he gets the same comments from the team lol), Sic (wouldn't confirm about his shoulder :( was hoping to get the inside scoop there haha reckon he got asked by everyone in the bar haha also told him to smash Charlie Cameron for us, he had a good laugh and said that'll likely be Hardwick's job haha), Cam McKenzie (told him he's been excellent), Bailey McKenzie (unfortunately only had a quick hello and hand shake), Impey (told him he's been great and I hope we get the win for him as captain), Gunner (god love him, said glad he's back at the hawks).
Finally, got to have a photo with Weddle and a whole bunch of signatures on a #23 guernsey.
All in all I had an absolute ripper night, had great interactions with majority of the team. Breust and Weddle were amazing, I wish I could've had more time with them since they were so down to earth and happy to chat. I highly recommend for anyone who thought about going, to get involved next time.
Anyone with any questions, I talked a lot that I can't fully capture in this post without writing a novel. So feel free to ask and I'll answer what I can :)
submitted by sinkintins to hawktalk [link] [comments]
As for how the night went down, I literally had no idea what to expect. Walking into Glenferrie Hotel, we took our name tags and walked to our table only to walk in on virtually the whole team hanging around. The staff had us leave that area for a little bit whilst they got prepared, and whilst enjoying a nice frothie, in walks Sic, Hardwick and Watson. We gave each other the nod as they entered.
When we were allowed to go to our table, we took our seats, when a voice from behind asked us: "how are you guys going tonight?" by none other than Luke Breust. We had a good chat for 15 minutes, I congratulated him on his newborn and he told me about how he was finding fatherhood (all going great). Another person from the table started speaking to Breusty, but that's when our lord and saviour and adopted child Josh Weddle arrived. First things first, Josh Weddle is an absolute legend and we couldn't have had a more perfect player to sponsor. He was super genuine and actively engaged in conversation with the table the whole time.
I let him know how much we at /hawktalk love him and are impressed by him. I also told him he's never allowed to leave the hawks and that I'll glue him to Dingley if I have to. Weddle gave off some great vibes about how much he enjoys being at Hawthorn, so I don't think we have anything to worry about there. I also learned an interesting fact that he was originally a North supporter growing up, which shocked me as I had read he was always Hawks. He said he saw the Hawks link reported on, but wasn't sure where that came from haha.
We spoke about our heartbreaking loss, and I framed a question around whether we planned to go defensive like we did, or whether the game just went that way for us. He couldn't say much, but indicated that the team felt comfortable with the lead and just happened to fall into a defensive mindset. He also didn't appreciate the tag he received for 3 quarters haha. He also was really keen on the fact we were only a couple of wins away from the top 8. I told him I thought we played fantastic regardless of the result, and that at least this happened in a bit of a nothing H&A game rather than say a 3 point win in a prelim leading to a grand final cough cough 2014 ;) we still have that over them hahahah
We also spoke about his interests, hobbies, etc.
I was able to have another chat with Breusty, I spoke with him about his future post-AFL life and how clubs work with players to prepare them for post-AFL life.
Half way in, none other than our senior coach Sammy Mitchell made an appearance and came by every table to have a quick chat. Unfortunately I only was able to have a quick handshake and told him I love what he's done for the team. Was hoping to catch him again before he left, but sadly missed him.
Over the night I got to have quick chats with Nick Watson (told him I loved his energy on field), CJ (told him I missed him and glad he's back in the side, also to get his brother traded to us lol), Sam Frost (spoke a bit about the upcoming Brissie game and how great he's been, said he can probably leave Daniher on his own since Joe will probs kick it on the full anyway which he had a laugh about), Ethan Phillips (told him he had an awesome debut), James Blanck (told him he's going to have to fight Phillips now haha), DGB (said he sounds like he has a wrestler name, which he said he gets the same comments from the team lol), Sic (wouldn't confirm about his shoulder :( was hoping to get the inside scoop there haha reckon he got asked by everyone in the bar haha also told him to smash Charlie Cameron for us, he had a good laugh and said that'll likely be Hardwick's job haha), Cam McKenzie (told him he's been excellent), Bailey McKenzie (unfortunately only had a quick hello and hand shake), Impey (told him he's been great and I hope we get the win for him as captain), Gunner (god love him, said glad he's back at the hawks).
Finally, got to have a photo with Weddle and a whole bunch of signatures on a #23 guernsey.
All in all I had an absolute ripper night, had great interactions with majority of the team. Breust and Weddle were amazing, I wish I could've had more time with them since they were so down to earth and happy to chat. I highly recommend for anyone who thought about going, to get involved next time.
Anyone with any questions, I talked a lot that I can't fully capture in this post without writing a novel. So feel free to ask and I'll answer what I can :)
2024.05.21 15:05 Crocop5 My Astra J GTC
Black 17" O.Z. rims are my winter setup, and original ones are 19" with summer tires on. I currently have those on my car. Red one is not mine, I stumbled upon it and decided to park next to it and take a picture since Astra J GTC is not so common here. And funny thing is that I almost bought the red one like a year ago, and now I stumbled upon it randomly.
submitted by Crocop5 to opel [link] [comments]
2024.05.21 15:04 gautam_10 Should I (25M) confess my feelings to my friend (24F) who's still hung up on her ex, or distance myself to avoid further emotional turmoil?
I 25M, have been friends with a girl X (24F) since the past 6 months (since last December). X began dating Y (27M) who's also a good friend of mine, for 4 months before I became good friends with them (i.e. before December). Their relationship came to an end in December because Y was looking for something casual and X was very serious, it being her first ever relationship. However, things started to get more complicated post January. Although, they had officially ended their relationship, they were spending a lot more time together and even came physically closer. The rest of the friends in our group used to pull their leg for the situationship of theirs, but they continued on for another 3 months till March.
In March they officially broke up, and from April our college break started. Y went home, and X and I stayed back in college for our internships. We started spending an unhealthy amount of time together (so much so that rumors began spreading about the two of us which X told me), going out for walks late at night, watching movies, going for drives at night, eating dinner together. Some nights she shared her most personal traumas with me and like a good friend I listened to her and comforted her. In a nutshell she liked spending time with me and talking to me and I became her distraction and source of emotional comfort form all the chaos that happened before. Normally she never talked about her relationship all this while.
However, things started to get complicated from the 2nd month. I still keep in touch with Y, whereas X has little to no contact with him. On speaking with Y last week, I came to know, Y has moved on from his relationship with X, he's active on dating apps and been out on a date with a girl too. On a different occasion Y was almost on the verge of making out with another girl at a friend's party where X was also present, but she was not aware of it. I have no intentions of letting X know of all this at any cost as it'll break her heart and also, I was told all of this in confidence by Y. On the other hand, recently X revealed she misses the times she had with him and keeps coming back to the thoughts of him albeit not much, (she gets too emotionally attached too soon, it also being her first relationship) but that's because he's not around at the moment. College starts in another 3 weeks, and they'll start seeing each other more often once again. Y is pretty sure of dating someone new when he returns but X is haunted by the old memories that'll be brought back because of his presence in her life once again.
In between all of this I started to develop feelings for X, which have been growing exponentially within me with each passing day. I know I can't confess my feelings to her, but I can't also be around her anymore with these feelings within me. I've gone into self-destructive habits and the only way I can see myself coming out of this is by letting X know about this and stop hanging out with her anymore. But with her having so much to deal with already, it breaks my heart to put her through this. On top of that the big load in my head from hiding the conversations and intentions of Y, while X still misses him is driving me crazy. Spending all this time together, X may also have developed some feelings for me, but she's too clouded by her breakup to see any of it, and I don't expect her to be with me especially with her past baggage this soon. Furthermore, her last relationship has left such a bitter taste in her that she promises to not date for another year and focus more on enjoying the college life. I'm deciding to wait till her internship ends and her work doesn't get affected to tell her and slowly distance myself from her. Please suggest how can I make this any better.
TL;DR: I developed feelings for my friend, who's still hung up on her ex, while her X has moved on. I can't handle the emotional burden and plan to distance myself from her before college starts.
submitted by gautam_10 to relationships [link] [comments]
In March they officially broke up, and from April our college break started. Y went home, and X and I stayed back in college for our internships. We started spending an unhealthy amount of time together (so much so that rumors began spreading about the two of us which X told me), going out for walks late at night, watching movies, going for drives at night, eating dinner together. Some nights she shared her most personal traumas with me and like a good friend I listened to her and comforted her. In a nutshell she liked spending time with me and talking to me and I became her distraction and source of emotional comfort form all the chaos that happened before. Normally she never talked about her relationship all this while.
However, things started to get complicated from the 2nd month. I still keep in touch with Y, whereas X has little to no contact with him. On speaking with Y last week, I came to know, Y has moved on from his relationship with X, he's active on dating apps and been out on a date with a girl too. On a different occasion Y was almost on the verge of making out with another girl at a friend's party where X was also present, but she was not aware of it. I have no intentions of letting X know of all this at any cost as it'll break her heart and also, I was told all of this in confidence by Y. On the other hand, recently X revealed she misses the times she had with him and keeps coming back to the thoughts of him albeit not much, (she gets too emotionally attached too soon, it also being her first relationship) but that's because he's not around at the moment. College starts in another 3 weeks, and they'll start seeing each other more often once again. Y is pretty sure of dating someone new when he returns but X is haunted by the old memories that'll be brought back because of his presence in her life once again.
In between all of this I started to develop feelings for X, which have been growing exponentially within me with each passing day. I know I can't confess my feelings to her, but I can't also be around her anymore with these feelings within me. I've gone into self-destructive habits and the only way I can see myself coming out of this is by letting X know about this and stop hanging out with her anymore. But with her having so much to deal with already, it breaks my heart to put her through this. On top of that the big load in my head from hiding the conversations and intentions of Y, while X still misses him is driving me crazy. Spending all this time together, X may also have developed some feelings for me, but she's too clouded by her breakup to see any of it, and I don't expect her to be with me especially with her past baggage this soon. Furthermore, her last relationship has left such a bitter taste in her that she promises to not date for another year and focus more on enjoying the college life. I'm deciding to wait till her internship ends and her work doesn't get affected to tell her and slowly distance myself from her. Please suggest how can I make this any better.
TL;DR: I developed feelings for my friend, who's still hung up on her ex, while her X has moved on. I can't handle the emotional burden and plan to distance myself from her before college starts.
2024.05.21 15:03 -Lorne-Malvo- Horse lantern - how do I get one?
First of all, I have searched and read several posts on this. "Under saddle" and "at the stable" did not lead me to finding a lantern for my horse :-(
A couple of things I have tried so far:
submitted by -Lorne-Malvo- to RedDeadOnline [link] [comments]
A couple of things I have tried so far:
- Looked at everything in my wheel
- Went to the stable, drilled to "Saddles" and did not find a lantern for sale
- Went to the stables and thought i looked everywhere and did not find a lantern
- Went to the store and looked for a lantern
- Gave up and am now begging for your help
2024.05.21 15:02 LakeCultural3987 Step-son accused of bullying an autistic kid
Our kids became friends last fall as they played hockey together. The other parent was the coach. Early on in the season the coach mentioned that my son was playing with a stick that was too short for him. He then overheard my wife telling our son that she wasn't sure we had the money to buy a new stick right now. He talked to his son and they gave our son one of his old sticks that was a better size for our son. This made my wife think highly of these people and she started kinda pushing the friendship between the families especially between the two boys who play hockey together.
We start inviting this kid to our house and my wife warns me that he is very autistic and doesn't have play dates a lot. The kid isn't even at our house thirty minutes and has already punched our six year old. The kid was 10 at the time. We have three boys. At the time they were nine, eight, and six. So he punches our six year old and then he just starts being awful to the two younger boys. Because I am an adult, I don't freak out. I talk to him. I tell him if he wants to spend time at our house he isn't allowed to hit or a be mean to the younger kids. I tell him that I don't get the impression that he is a mean person, but rather he seems to think it will impress my son if he is mean to his younger brothers and that being mean to younger siblings is not cool and won't impress anyone. It will just make the parents think twice about letting him come over. After our talk he started behaving a bit better, but was still mean at times during this first visit.
The boys start hanging out together all the time and while my younger two boys loved this kid, my oldest who he was really there to hang out with started to act distant and at times seemed to be pushing his friend away. His friend would freak out if my son didn't want to do exactly what he wanted to do which was usually video games. Sometimes my son would tire of video games and start doing something else without his friend. His friend would go find him and lecture him on how when he has a friend over he needs to play with them. I would normally agree that it was rude of my son to just leave his friend and go do something else, but tried to also explain to his friend that he was tired of video games and maybe they could find something else to do together, but this kid pretty much only wanted to play video games and would be almost offended that my son didn't.
Anyway after I noticed this happening, the other parents started informing my wife that our son was bullying their son. My wife does most of communicating with other parents as I am more introverted normally and too often assume other adults are assholes. The only thing we noticed for sure was our son yelling at this kid once while fishing and we both talked to our son about how we should talk to friends and yelling at friends would lead to him not having any. Everything else was hearsay and I didn't know what to believe, but we still talked to our son about the accusations of bullying and we are not okay with bullying and we better not find out he is doing that. They accused our son of sending mean messages, but provided no proof and we looked everywhere we could think of and the messages we see our sending are to his paternal father and grandmother. Still we talk to him again about what he is being accused off and let him know that we really hope he isn't bullying anyone, and he will be in big trouble if we find out he is.
While this is going on I am downstairs one day and hear the kids playing games online. They are playing with this friend and I can hear his voice through the TV speaker. He is yelling at them telling them to talk to him. " I know you have a mic! Turn in it on! This is very rude! I know you have a mic so talk to me or I am leaving! I don't know why you guys are being buttholes to me. Just turn the mic on and talk to me or I am not playing with you! Their mic had stopped working and he was assuming they were just ignoring him, which doesn't make any sense because they sent him the invite to play with them, but he's a kid so I can't fault him for assumptions.
Fast forward to Saturday. This kid has a birthday party and my whole family is there. My kid was on one that day I admit. He was trying to impress a girl and kept teasing me by taking my hat and running off with it in a playful manner. This is something he may get from his mom and I because the way we play and flirt with eachother is by little things like this. She'll come home with silly string now and then and spray me randomly, and I find it funny and love that part of her personality, even when I am in a grumpy mood, I always smile about it. He has seen his mom shove frosting in my face at birthday parties, and so he thinks this is funny. The part that upsets me the most is that apparently the kids mother told the kids specifically not to play with the cupcakes. She said not to take one if you weren't going to eat it I guess. My son took a cupcake and then playfully tried to throw it at the birthday boy. I say playfully because that was what it was. There was no mean intent but the birthday boy got upset and I talked to my son about not doing that kind of thing unless you know the other person is okay with that kind play. Some people just aren't. Anyway my wife asks if everything is okay, because the other family seems upset. They say everything is fine and laugh it off. An hour later the dad sends my wife a bunch of messages calling our son a bully and us bad parents for allowing all of this bullying to continue and then blocks us on everything.
Over the course of the hockey season this dude got more and more involved with local kids hockey and is now one of the main dudes in kids hockey locally. I already know how he handles things cause there were multiple hockey teams and it was getting to be too much for him, so he hand chose the kids he wanted to coach the most and made one team that he would coach and basically canceled the rest of the season for the other kids. He didn't tell the parents of the kids he didn't choose for his team. He just said because ice time was hard to come by, scheduling conflicts, the incompetence of others involved in local hockey, and not having enough help, the season would be ending a bit early this year. The other parents found out about the secret team and were pissed. Then he basically just called them all assholes in mass text and blocked them all. Worried this douche is gonna have a say in what hockey team my son is on next season he'll screw him over.
Am I the asshole for not beating my son senseless over a cupcake to make this guy think I was a good parent?
submitted by LakeCultural3987 to AITAH [link] [comments]
We start inviting this kid to our house and my wife warns me that he is very autistic and doesn't have play dates a lot. The kid isn't even at our house thirty minutes and has already punched our six year old. The kid was 10 at the time. We have three boys. At the time they were nine, eight, and six. So he punches our six year old and then he just starts being awful to the two younger boys. Because I am an adult, I don't freak out. I talk to him. I tell him if he wants to spend time at our house he isn't allowed to hit or a be mean to the younger kids. I tell him that I don't get the impression that he is a mean person, but rather he seems to think it will impress my son if he is mean to his younger brothers and that being mean to younger siblings is not cool and won't impress anyone. It will just make the parents think twice about letting him come over. After our talk he started behaving a bit better, but was still mean at times during this first visit.
The boys start hanging out together all the time and while my younger two boys loved this kid, my oldest who he was really there to hang out with started to act distant and at times seemed to be pushing his friend away. His friend would freak out if my son didn't want to do exactly what he wanted to do which was usually video games. Sometimes my son would tire of video games and start doing something else without his friend. His friend would go find him and lecture him on how when he has a friend over he needs to play with them. I would normally agree that it was rude of my son to just leave his friend and go do something else, but tried to also explain to his friend that he was tired of video games and maybe they could find something else to do together, but this kid pretty much only wanted to play video games and would be almost offended that my son didn't.
Anyway after I noticed this happening, the other parents started informing my wife that our son was bullying their son. My wife does most of communicating with other parents as I am more introverted normally and too often assume other adults are assholes. The only thing we noticed for sure was our son yelling at this kid once while fishing and we both talked to our son about how we should talk to friends and yelling at friends would lead to him not having any. Everything else was hearsay and I didn't know what to believe, but we still talked to our son about the accusations of bullying and we are not okay with bullying and we better not find out he is doing that. They accused our son of sending mean messages, but provided no proof and we looked everywhere we could think of and the messages we see our sending are to his paternal father and grandmother. Still we talk to him again about what he is being accused off and let him know that we really hope he isn't bullying anyone, and he will be in big trouble if we find out he is.
While this is going on I am downstairs one day and hear the kids playing games online. They are playing with this friend and I can hear his voice through the TV speaker. He is yelling at them telling them to talk to him. " I know you have a mic! Turn in it on! This is very rude! I know you have a mic so talk to me or I am leaving! I don't know why you guys are being buttholes to me. Just turn the mic on and talk to me or I am not playing with you! Their mic had stopped working and he was assuming they were just ignoring him, which doesn't make any sense because they sent him the invite to play with them, but he's a kid so I can't fault him for assumptions.
Fast forward to Saturday. This kid has a birthday party and my whole family is there. My kid was on one that day I admit. He was trying to impress a girl and kept teasing me by taking my hat and running off with it in a playful manner. This is something he may get from his mom and I because the way we play and flirt with eachother is by little things like this. She'll come home with silly string now and then and spray me randomly, and I find it funny and love that part of her personality, even when I am in a grumpy mood, I always smile about it. He has seen his mom shove frosting in my face at birthday parties, and so he thinks this is funny. The part that upsets me the most is that apparently the kids mother told the kids specifically not to play with the cupcakes. She said not to take one if you weren't going to eat it I guess. My son took a cupcake and then playfully tried to throw it at the birthday boy. I say playfully because that was what it was. There was no mean intent but the birthday boy got upset and I talked to my son about not doing that kind of thing unless you know the other person is okay with that kind play. Some people just aren't. Anyway my wife asks if everything is okay, because the other family seems upset. They say everything is fine and laugh it off. An hour later the dad sends my wife a bunch of messages calling our son a bully and us bad parents for allowing all of this bullying to continue and then blocks us on everything.
Over the course of the hockey season this dude got more and more involved with local kids hockey and is now one of the main dudes in kids hockey locally. I already know how he handles things cause there were multiple hockey teams and it was getting to be too much for him, so he hand chose the kids he wanted to coach the most and made one team that he would coach and basically canceled the rest of the season for the other kids. He didn't tell the parents of the kids he didn't choose for his team. He just said because ice time was hard to come by, scheduling conflicts, the incompetence of others involved in local hockey, and not having enough help, the season would be ending a bit early this year. The other parents found out about the secret team and were pissed. Then he basically just called them all assholes in mass text and blocked them all. Worried this douche is gonna have a say in what hockey team my son is on next season he'll screw him over.
Am I the asshole for not beating my son senseless over a cupcake to make this guy think I was a good parent?
2024.05.21 15:02 Yphi-Zirconium Realism of the Rotten Vale : Can Big Snek make Laif ?
Check here for all images : https://imgur.com/a/m0JiXr8
[This is part of a larger video project on the geological past of Monster Hunter World]
Hello everyone from whichever subreddit I might post this in. I was working on a future video project for Monster Hunter World, and wanted to post some of my findings here, because, hey, it’s actually pretty interesting imo.
Those findings are specifically about the Coral Highlands and the Rotten Vale and whether the death of a giant fucking Dalamadur could trigger the flourishing of an ecosystem like the Coral Highlands
So, without further ado, let’s start !
My objective was to calculate the mass of the giant dalamadur in the Rotten Vale, figure out what’s the average decomposition speed of most animals, and then just multiply both to figure out how long it would’ve taken for the Rotten Vale’s Dalamadur to decompose.
From there on you try to figure out 2 things :
Ill link my spreadsheet later this day, but basically I got a mass of about 342 Million Metric Ton ( fig.1 : https://imgur.com/a/8euzNul ), which is fucking insane. I don’t have anything to compare it immediately but it’s just, unimaginably heavy.
Next, Decomposition
When I was researching this subject, I discovered Whale Falls, which are basically the formation of little ecosystem around a whale carcass, which is EXACTLY what I needed. Whale Falls happen in 3 stages, the first one being the decomposition of soft tissue, the second being the colonization of the bones by different animals, and the third stage is the decomposition of the bones themselves. The Fourth Stage, dubbed “Reef Stage” on Wikipedia, is when all that’s left are minerals : in other words, all organic matter has been consumed. Now, of course, comparing a snake to a whale leads to some issues, and it might not give us an exact value, especially since the chemical composition of whale and snake bones are completely different, but at least this might give us an approximate value. If anyone know the percentage of lipids in snake bones though, I’m down to calculate using that.
Anyways, after applying the values given by *Wikipedia* for the Whale Fall of a grey Whale, we can figure out how long it takes for a Dalamadur, and by extension, an Ancient Dalamadur, to decompose ( fig. 2 : https://imgur.com/a/Bjl3gEE ).
This gives us a total time until Reef Stage of about 885 MILLIONS YEARS.
THAT’S A LONG-ASS TIME
For comparison, On Earth, 885 Millions years ago, Life was literally but a few multicellular organisms that could photosynthesize. Trees, insects, animals, none of them existed yet.
So yeah, having a giant fucking Dalamadur stuck there is plausible, somehow, since by then mountain collision could’ve happened and even after erosion and rifting, the bones would still be there.
Considering also that 50 Millions years of those is just decomposing the Giant Dalamadur until the skeleton is fully colonized, yeah no, this actually makes more sense than we give it credit for
Also, thanks to more *Wikipedia* sources, we have the added knowledge that a grey whale whale fall releases would’ve released around 17 Million Tons of Carbon.
For comparison, most natural oils and fossil fuels are about 85% Carbon, so if all the Organic Matter of these Giant Dalamadurs were trapped, only one of them could amount to 14.2 Million Tons of petroleum, for example. Since 1kg of Petroleum of Petroleum is about 1.27 Liters ( 1L=>0.79kg), 1 ton of Petroleum is 1270 Liters, this gives us about 1.80E10 L of petroleum, or, in other words, 18 Billion Liters, which is about 112,500,000Barrels. For comparison, we as humans use 97,103,871 Barrels per day, so one Ancient Dalamadur has enough organic matter to to fuel the needs for oil for ALL OF HUMANITY for an ENTIRE DAY.
This made me realize two things :
This is fucking insane
But anyways, Conclusion :
Considering that the Rotten Vale contains more than just one Ancient Dalamadur, and I only used the mmeasurement approximation of the Largest Ancient Dalamadur, aka, the one with the Giant Skull on the Surface level of the Vale, and that Vaal Hazak’s control over the area is now forcing all elder dragons migrating to the New World to die there, with part of their energy going too the Elder’s Recess :
Yeah, it’s more plausible than I thought, I have to say.
That’s all I have for today, I’ll probably make another post here about the Guiding Lands or maybe even the Everstream someday. Thanks for reading this, if I missed anything or want me to give you some more info on the subject, or even give me some propositions or future video ideas, make sure to comment and also upvote so that more people can see this and I didn’t just spent two days doing research for nothing. See ya !
PS : So I had to rewrite this paragraph due to a fuck up, and also I discovered this after writing all this down, but basically the length of the Ancient Dalamadur might not be accurate, as I've seen posts either saying he's 1-3km long and others saying he's 5-10km long, but, long story short, after doing some calculations, the Ancient Dalamadur's corpse status is realistic if, at minimum, he's about 4-5km long. If anyone could measure the size of the giant dalamadur skull on the surface of the Rotten Vale and the size of a dalamadur head in 4U, we could estimate the length of the Larger Ancient Dalamadur, and, even if it is, like, 1-2km long there are still enough Dalamadur Corpses ( at least 8-9 ) to release enough organic matter to create the coral highlands, I think. If anyone has an actual length tho, I'd be happy to use it, albeit with calculations of how we got to that result.
submitted by Yphi-Zirconium to MonsterHunter [link] [comments]
[This is part of a larger video project on the geological past of Monster Hunter World]
Hello everyone from whichever subreddit I might post this in. I was working on a future video project for Monster Hunter World, and wanted to post some of my findings here, because, hey, it’s actually pretty interesting imo.
Those findings are specifically about the Coral Highlands and the Rotten Vale and whether the death of a giant fucking Dalamadur could trigger the flourishing of an ecosystem like the Coral Highlands
So, without further ado, let’s start !
My objective was to calculate the mass of the giant dalamadur in the Rotten Vale, figure out what’s the average decomposition speed of most animals, and then just multiply both to figure out how long it would’ve taken for the Rotten Vale’s Dalamadur to decompose.
From there on you try to figure out 2 things :
- Whether this duration is longer than at least 65 Million years ago : Since it’s impossible for the Dalamadurs were too large to fit inside the Rotten Vale, a possible theory is that the area was much more open back then, and due to an orogeny which lead to the high mountain ranges in the region and closed of the area in which these chunky bois lived in. Due to the massive size of these Elder Dragons, they probably just eat a lot once, destroying the ecosystem, and then go on to hibernate for long periods of times. Since the largest Dalamadur found in the Rotten Vale is estimated to be around 8-11 km long ( I averaged it to about 9km in length in my calculations ), it’s probably not far-fetched to think they might hibernate through hundred of millions of years, which eventually lead to their death in the Vale. This would also explain why you’re appointed in 4U to kill Dalamadurs, as they can absolutely destroy an ecosystem when they get out of hibernation, and an extra bit of lore that could explain why the Dalamadur only appeared in 4U : it was a one-time thing.
- Whether it has enough organic material to sustain an ecosystem.
Ill link my spreadsheet later this day, but basically I got a mass of about 342 Million Metric Ton ( fig.1 : https://imgur.com/a/8euzNul ), which is fucking insane. I don’t have anything to compare it immediately but it’s just, unimaginably heavy.
Next, Decomposition
When I was researching this subject, I discovered Whale Falls, which are basically the formation of little ecosystem around a whale carcass, which is EXACTLY what I needed. Whale Falls happen in 3 stages, the first one being the decomposition of soft tissue, the second being the colonization of the bones by different animals, and the third stage is the decomposition of the bones themselves. The Fourth Stage, dubbed “Reef Stage” on Wikipedia, is when all that’s left are minerals : in other words, all organic matter has been consumed. Now, of course, comparing a snake to a whale leads to some issues, and it might not give us an exact value, especially since the chemical composition of whale and snake bones are completely different, but at least this might give us an approximate value. If anyone know the percentage of lipids in snake bones though, I’m down to calculate using that.
Anyways, after applying the values given by *Wikipedia* for the Whale Fall of a grey Whale, we can figure out how long it takes for a Dalamadur, and by extension, an Ancient Dalamadur, to decompose ( fig. 2 : https://imgur.com/a/Bjl3gEE ).
This gives us a total time until Reef Stage of about 885 MILLIONS YEARS.
THAT’S A LONG-ASS TIME
For comparison, On Earth, 885 Millions years ago, Life was literally but a few multicellular organisms that could photosynthesize. Trees, insects, animals, none of them existed yet.
So yeah, having a giant fucking Dalamadur stuck there is plausible, somehow, since by then mountain collision could’ve happened and even after erosion and rifting, the bones would still be there.
Considering also that 50 Millions years of those is just decomposing the Giant Dalamadur until the skeleton is fully colonized, yeah no, this actually makes more sense than we give it credit for
Also, thanks to more *Wikipedia* sources, we have the added knowledge that a grey whale whale fall releases would’ve released around 17 Million Tons of Carbon.
For comparison, most natural oils and fossil fuels are about 85% Carbon, so if all the Organic Matter of these Giant Dalamadurs were trapped, only one of them could amount to 14.2 Million Tons of petroleum, for example. Since 1kg of Petroleum of Petroleum is about 1.27 Liters ( 1L=>0.79kg), 1 ton of Petroleum is 1270 Liters, this gives us about 1.80E10 L of petroleum, or, in other words, 18 Billion Liters, which is about 112,500,000Barrels. For comparison, we as humans use 97,103,871 Barrels per day, so one Ancient Dalamadur has enough organic matter to to fuel the needs for oil for ALL OF HUMANITY for an ENTIRE DAY.
This made me realize two things :
- Holy shit so many living things died in the past so that we could use Cars and Airplanes
- Holy shit Humanity is releasing so much fucking CO2… ( Whyyyy do we keep using fossil fuels ffs )
This is fucking insane
But anyways, Conclusion :
Considering that the Rotten Vale contains more than just one Ancient Dalamadur, and I only used the mmeasurement approximation of the Largest Ancient Dalamadur, aka, the one with the Giant Skull on the Surface level of the Vale, and that Vaal Hazak’s control over the area is now forcing all elder dragons migrating to the New World to die there, with part of their energy going too the Elder’s Recess :
Yeah, it’s more plausible than I thought, I have to say.
That’s all I have for today, I’ll probably make another post here about the Guiding Lands or maybe even the Everstream someday. Thanks for reading this, if I missed anything or want me to give you some more info on the subject, or even give me some propositions or future video ideas, make sure to comment and also upvote so that more people can see this and I didn’t just spent two days doing research for nothing. See ya !
PS : So I had to rewrite this paragraph due to a fuck up, and also I discovered this after writing all this down, but basically the length of the Ancient Dalamadur might not be accurate, as I've seen posts either saying he's 1-3km long and others saying he's 5-10km long, but, long story short, after doing some calculations, the Ancient Dalamadur's corpse status is realistic if, at minimum, he's about 4-5km long. If anyone could measure the size of the giant dalamadur skull on the surface of the Rotten Vale and the size of a dalamadur head in 4U, we could estimate the length of the Larger Ancient Dalamadur, and, even if it is, like, 1-2km long there are still enough Dalamadur Corpses ( at least 8-9 ) to release enough organic matter to create the coral highlands, I think. If anyone has an actual length tho, I'd be happy to use it, albeit with calculations of how we got to that result.
2024.05.21 15:01 Total_Cap_8129 AITA for giving heirloom jewellery to my daughters instead of my sister-in-law?
This is my first reddit post, throwaway. Also Englisch is not my first language.
My (53F) mother passed away 10 years ago and I inherited a few select items of jewellery from her. Those are things she cherished and wore often. I have been wearing her watch for the past 10 years, my sister (50F) holds a golden bracelet that she loves and there are three items left that me and my sister have been planning to give to my three daughters (20/18/18) to commemorate 10 years since her passing. They always knew this and were close to their gradma. There is also no quarrel about who gets what. Enter my brother (48m) and his fiancée (38f) of two years. My brother is demanding one of the pieces for his future wife to wear. He claims we never involved him in any discussion as to what should happen to the pieces and we can’t just claim those to ourselves just because we are women. He says it’s very common for heirloom jewellery to be given to the daughter-in-law and he and his fiancée even cited Meghan Marke and Kate Middleton as examples. Legally there is no case to be made, my mother left those items to me. I have politly declined their request explaining that I can’t let one of my daughters go without and that they were very close to their grandma while his fiancée did not know her. His fiancée is apparently distraught and claims we don’t see her as family. My father wants me to keep the items and give one to my brother so that all of my mom’s kids eventually get one item and I can do as I see fit with the rest. My sister kindly has offered up her bracelet. I am torn. I don’t t want to antoganoize my brother and my sister-in law but I find my three daughters’ claim so much more valid. They have been looking forward to this for years. And I don’t want my sister to sacrifice her bracelet. If there were more pieces I would not hesitate to give something to her. It’s not a matter of money. I have offered other things out of my mom’s estate, they feel it’s not the same. I am also taking into account that my brother was married to his first wife 10 years ago and despite having been close to my mother she got no jewellery either but was left two of my mothers’s watercolor drawings. I feel like my mother left those pieces to me with the intention of eventually passing them on to her granddaughters. Would she have subscribed to the „each child or each daughter plus daughter-in-law has to get a piece of jewellery“ logic she would have left something to my brother or his then-wife in the first place. My daughters told me the would accept any decision I make but I feel it would be highly unfair to burden them with any involvement in the decision making. The choice is mine to make and I have to live with the consequences. According to my father they are debating to uninvite me from the wedding over this. I stand by my decision but It’s hard.. I was always on good terms with my brother and cordial with his fiancée.. so AITA?
submitted by Total_Cap_8129 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
My (53F) mother passed away 10 years ago and I inherited a few select items of jewellery from her. Those are things she cherished and wore often. I have been wearing her watch for the past 10 years, my sister (50F) holds a golden bracelet that she loves and there are three items left that me and my sister have been planning to give to my three daughters (20/18/18) to commemorate 10 years since her passing. They always knew this and were close to their gradma. There is also no quarrel about who gets what. Enter my brother (48m) and his fiancée (38f) of two years. My brother is demanding one of the pieces for his future wife to wear. He claims we never involved him in any discussion as to what should happen to the pieces and we can’t just claim those to ourselves just because we are women. He says it’s very common for heirloom jewellery to be given to the daughter-in-law and he and his fiancée even cited Meghan Marke and Kate Middleton as examples. Legally there is no case to be made, my mother left those items to me. I have politly declined their request explaining that I can’t let one of my daughters go without and that they were very close to their grandma while his fiancée did not know her. His fiancée is apparently distraught and claims we don’t see her as family. My father wants me to keep the items and give one to my brother so that all of my mom’s kids eventually get one item and I can do as I see fit with the rest. My sister kindly has offered up her bracelet. I am torn. I don’t t want to antoganoize my brother and my sister-in law but I find my three daughters’ claim so much more valid. They have been looking forward to this for years. And I don’t want my sister to sacrifice her bracelet. If there were more pieces I would not hesitate to give something to her. It’s not a matter of money. I have offered other things out of my mom’s estate, they feel it’s not the same. I am also taking into account that my brother was married to his first wife 10 years ago and despite having been close to my mother she got no jewellery either but was left two of my mothers’s watercolor drawings. I feel like my mother left those pieces to me with the intention of eventually passing them on to her granddaughters. Would she have subscribed to the „each child or each daughter plus daughter-in-law has to get a piece of jewellery“ logic she would have left something to my brother or his then-wife in the first place. My daughters told me the would accept any decision I make but I feel it would be highly unfair to burden them with any involvement in the decision making. The choice is mine to make and I have to live with the consequences. According to my father they are debating to uninvite me from the wedding over this. I stand by my decision but It’s hard.. I was always on good terms with my brother and cordial with his fiancée.. so AITA?
2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/themachucajr posting in Marriage
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”
My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
Comments
Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
failedopportunities
It’s an obvious potential issue bro… wether it be she’s enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
BigIronBruce
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
Update - 8 days later
I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
Comments
Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think it’s interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didn’t think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”
My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
Comments
Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
OOP: We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue.
I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.
failedopportunities
It’s an obvious potential issue bro… wether it be she’s enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
OOP: Swinging was her idea. Not mine. But I suppose I should have included it but I honestly believe her on it not being an issue. I don’t have any reason to distrust her. Maybe it’s something she has to accept with her therapist or our couples therapist. Can’t really approach that with a solution if she doesn’t think it was a problem. IDK
BigIronBruce
She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic.That's only a marriage if you both agree it is. You're hoping she's going to wake up one day and feel different but she's basically said that's not going to happen and doesn't want to figure out why she feels that way. It seems like you tried several different ways to get to the bottom of it and she's either deflected or is being honest that she's not in love with you.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated?I wouldn't do this, either, if that makes you feel better.
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
OOP: A very hard truth to accept here. Thank youInteresting-Tip-4850
"I’m ensure I do everything possible to mend our marriage to ensure my own peace of mind and excite knowing I did everything I could."you may still concider 180 method, to protect yourself and perhaps in the same time the reality that the ship is leaving may start to change your wifes perspective. If that doesnt what else would.
OOP: Can you elaborate on the “180 Method”?Interesting-Tip-4850
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
OOP: I bookmarked this. I’m heavily considering this.
Update - 8 days later
I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
Comments
Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
OOP: Definitely. I think this “soft ultimatum” (180 method) has been very eye opening. I’m definitely hoping for a rekindling of our marriage but I’m also bracing for divorce. I agree on a timeline and I’ve decided on a timeline for myself privately. I don’t want to give her a timeline because I want to reduce the pressure, however, after 1-2 yrs of things don’t improve, it won’t be shocking or a surprise if we split. I think 1-2yrs is more than reasonable.
shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
OOP: I understand what you mean. I don’t think I’ll ever doubt she loved me at all. I’m certain she did and I’m certain she still does. I know it sounds crazy and I’m not at all infatuated or blinded by love. Love is far more than the intimacy and sex we’re lacking.
RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think it’s interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didn’t think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
OOP: Yeah, I definitely felt this way. But with this 180 method it’s happening right in front of my eyes. Actual actions and reactions taking place that clearly demonstrate that she is taking me for granted. She actually see this as well. It’s evident she’s thinking about this heavily based on her demeanor and her behavior.
Here’s what I used as a guide:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/evastraea posting in AmItheAsshole
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022
AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.
Comments
Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says “you’re not like my other kids” like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. I’m sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.
SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?
QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didn’t once think, hey what about youngest?
SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didn’t think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?
Update - 6 days later
Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).
Comments
aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.
Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesn’t make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and you’re not always able to “make up for it”. OP didn’t do this to hurt her daughter and it’s weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.
Comment from OOP
When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward
Comments
Rice-Correct
You’re a good mom. It might’ve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like you’ve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and you’re a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!
sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022
AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.
Comments
Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says “you’re not like my other kids” like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. I’m sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.
SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?
QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didn’t once think, hey what about youngest?
SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didn’t think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?
Update - 6 days later
Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).
Comments
aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.
Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesn’t make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and you’re not always able to “make up for it”. OP didn’t do this to hurt her daughter and it’s weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.
Comment from OOP
When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward
Comments
Rice-Correct
You’re a good mom. It might’ve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like you’ve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and you’re a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!
sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.21 15:01 FelicitySmoak_ Tuesday, May 21, 2013 - Jackson v. AEG Live Day 15
 | Trial Day 15 submitted by FelicitySmoak_ to WhereWasMJToday [link] [comments] Katherine, Rebbie and Trent Jackson are at court. LA Times reported that the Jacksons offered a settlement. Kevin Boyle , a lawyer for Katherine Jackson and Michael's kids , said they offered to settle the lawsuit against AEG, but that they never got an answer. Kevin Boyle said the family made the offers in January & March. Boyle would not provide details but said AEG's insurance would have paid, which means they could have settled the case without them paying a dime of their money. He said AEG has never offered to settle & they haven't apologized. Marvin Putnam, an attorney for AEG, said it was inappropriate to discuss settlement discussions: "We don't settle matters that are utterly baseless. We believe that is the case in this matter. I can't see why we would consider a settlement as anything other than a shakedown"CNN Reports there was a snack controversy during trial: AEG lawyers gave a bag of peppermint candy to the bailiff to hand out to the jury this week. Even Katherine Jackson enjoyed the treat but Jackson's lawyer raised an objection, suggesting jurors might be influenced if they realized the source of the sweets. A compromise was reached. Each side can provide snacks for jurors, but they'll be placed at the bailiff's desk before jurors enter court so they have no clue who brought it. Shawn Trell Testimony Jackson direct AEG Live General Counsel, Shawn Trell, told jurors that he had forgotten that Kenny Ortega was working under a signed contract. Trell said he met with his attorneys last night and reviewed one doc -- Kenny Ortega's contract. "He had a written contract," Trell said. "I remember the email dynamic. I'm not too proud to admit that I didn't recall the cover contract," Trell said he was changing his previous testimony to add that Ortega had a written contract, not only emails between him and AEGNext topic was Insurance: Cancellation/Non-Appearance/Sickness. Trell said he started working on insurance for the tour in November of 2008. Panish showed several chains of emails where the parties talked about the insurance for the tour Email from Bob Taylor insurance broker to Trell on 1/7/09: "Prior to speaking with carriers we ask the artist to attend medical with a doctor...A full medical with both blood/urine tests. The doctor also wants to review the medical records over the last 5 years to ensure full disclosure. Insurers require further medical examination to be carried out by their nominated doctor. They may restrict illness coverage or death from illness coverage until this examination has taken place"Email from 4/30/09 - Wooley to Trell : "We have no coverage against Michael sickness unless and until he submits to another medical in LondonEmail from 5/28/09 - Trell to Taylor: "We really need to get that medical done"Email from 6/23/09 - Trell to Taylor : "Any update on the availability of Term insurance?" (life insurance)Trell said if they secured life insurance, they would get money if Michael died. "We would get the money owed to us, yes," Trell testified.Trell also said he continued discussions with an insurance broker about additional coverage to recoup AEG Live's investment if the tour had to be canceled. Email from 6/24/09 -Taylor to Trell : "Insurers have refused to move on this. Huge amount of speculation in the media regarding artist's health. They feel if they're to consider providing illness to cover this particular artist, they must have very through medical report"Email from 6/25/09 - Gongaware to Taylor : "If we don't get sickness coverage, we are dropping this policy"Email from 6/25/09 - Taylor to Gongaware : "The consultation in London is critical. The doctor is holding the afternoon of the 6th July open at Harley St. But keep in mind the visit could take 2 hours plus"Next topic: Budget/Costs. Panish showed an email from AEG's Rick Webking to Michael's estate with 1st report of artist advances/expenses. This was a letter sent to the estate containing the expenses incurred, Trell said. "It seems to me we submitted this report for their review, I don't see any request for payment," Trell said.Trell said he spoke with Randy Phillips and Paul Gongaware about Michael's physical condition prior to coming to testify. "I had heard about rehearsals in which Mr. Jackson was fantastic," Trell saidTrell said he's aware of email from Ortega saying doctor was not allowing Michael to attend rehearsal on June 14, 2009. "I was aware of the doctor not allowing him to attend rehearsal," Trell saidEmail from 6/17/09 from Phillips: "...Ortega, Gongaware, Dileo, and his doctor Conrad from Vegas and I have an intervention with him to get him to focus and come to rehearsal"Email from 6/17/09 from Gongaware to Phillip's assistant: "We need a physical therapist and a nutritionist"Email from Production Manager - Gongaware/Phillips on 6/19/09 : "Paul/Randy I'm not bring a drama queen here. Kenny asked me to notify you both Michael was sent home without stepping foot on stage. He was a basket case and Kenny was concerned he would embarrass himself on stage, or worse yet, be hurt. The company is rehearsing right now, but the DOUBT is pervasive"Email from Randy Phillips to Tim Leiweke on 6/19/09 : "We have a huge problem here."Trell agreed with a statement by plaintiff's attorney, Brian Panish, that company executives knew by then there was a "deep issue" with Jackson Does Trell consider that exchange a "red flag" that AEG Live should have noticed, Panish asked. "I would take it seriously, as I believe Mr. Phillips did," Trell answered. "I don't know I would use the word 'red flag'One of the emails shown to the jury was from Jackson estate co-executor John Branca, sent 5 days before Jackson's death & marked 'confidential': "I have the right therapist/spiritual advisosubstance abuse counselor who could help (recently helped Mike Tyson get sober and paroled) Do we know whether there is a substance issue involved (perhaps better discussed on the phone)The email was sent the same day that a meeting was held at Jackson's home with Murray. No further info given to jury. Trell said Mr. Phillips never told him about this email Email from Ortega to Randy Phillips on 6/20/09: (chain of emails) "I honestly don't think he is ready for this based on his continued physical weakening and deepening emotional state"Trell said he didn't see these emails. He said he spoke with Randy Phillips about Phillips' perception of Michael, in order to prepare for testifying, but not about specific emails. Trell has been designated as the most qualified person to speak on behalf of AEG Email from Phillips to Gongaware on 6/20/09 at 1:52 am : "Tim and I are going to see him tomorrow, however, I'm not sure what the problem is Chemical or Physiological?"From Gongaware to Phillips, on 6/20/09 at 5:59 am : "Take the doctor with you. Why wasn't he there last night?"From Phillips to Gongaware, on 6/20/09 at 2:01 pm : "He is not a psychiatrist so I'm not sure how effective he can be at this point obviously, getting him there is not the issue. It is much deeper"Trell said Randy Phillips went to a handful of rehearsals, three at the Forum and two at Staples Center. The head of the marketing department attended rehearsal on June 23, 2009. "She was blown away by it," Trell testified.He said he was unaware of issues with Jackson at rehearsals. "I knew of no problems with Michael Jackson at all",Trell testified.Trell said he never saw the emails from Phillips directing people to exclude images from This Is It of Michael looking "skeletal" while rehearsing. "What were his observations of Michael's physical condition during rehearsal," Trell said. "I asked for his (Phillips) personal opinion."Next line of questioning is about human resources and background checks. Trell said they can be valuable and useful tools when hiring. Background check costs around $40 to $125. Trell said AEG Live could afford this fee. "We don't do background checks on independent contractors," Trell said. Trell said he was involved in the hiring by AEG Live for the This Is It tour. His department was responsible for retaining independent contractors. Trell said he is not familiar with background check process for hiring. "I am not familiar with the process of doing background checks," Trell said. "No training." Panish: "There was no hiring criteria for the This Is It tour, correct?"Trell: "Not to my knowledge" Trell testified that when it comes to independent contractors, they have either worked with the artists, AEG or known in the industry. Trell agreed that no background check was done on anyone working on the This Is It tour. AEG Live General Counsel Shawn Trell told jurors that no legal or financial checks were done involving Conrad Murray or anyone else who worked as an independent contractor on the This Is It shows. Depending on the nature of the position, a background could be done, Trell said, like for potential employees in the financial area. Trell said he thought a background check would be appropriate for people working in financial roles, but not tour personnel who weren't employees of AEG As to independent contractors, Trell said there's no supervision and monitoring like there's for employees Panish: "You don't do anything to check into background, supervise or protect the artist?"Trell: "No, safety is a concern" Trell said that AEG did not hire Murray, that the doctor was like many independent contractors, "When they leave the environment, what they do on their own time is their own business"Trell testified he doesn't believe the artist is more at risk because AEG Live doesn't do background checks "We did nothing to monitor Dr. Murray," Trell said. "We did not monitor whatever it was that he was doing, no.""It called for Michael Jackson being able to terminate Dr. Murray at will," Trell said about the contract. "If the concerts didn't go forward, and he was terminated under this provision, Dr. Murray would not be paid going forward," Trell explained As to Dr Murray being under dire financial straits, Trell said that he doesn't know if he agrees with it, everyone's perception is different Trell: "I certainly wasn't aware of it at the time"Panish: "Because you didn't check, right?" Trell: "That's right" "I don't think conflict of interests are a good thing, and we would want to prevent it," Trell said Email from Kathy Jorie to Shawn Trell on 6/24/09 at 12:54 am: Subject: Revised agreement with GCA Holdings/Dr. MurrayIt had two attachments Attachments: Revised Michael Jackson -AEG GCA Holdings Murray Agreement 6-18-09 Final MJ -- AEG GCA Holdings Agreement (Dr. Murray) 6-23-09Email chain from 6/23/09, 5:39pm from Jorrie to Wooley, Murray Subject: RE: Michael Jackson - Revised Agreement with GCA Holdings/Dr. Murray Email:"I have redlined the Word version so that you can see all of the revisions. In addition, I've attached clean PDF version for execution" (The email says that if Dr. Murray approved it, he was to print it, sign and send it back to Jorrie) Panish: "Did Ms. Jorrie call this contract a draft?"Trell: "She called it a Final Version" "Every document is a draft until it is executed," Trell said. Panish showed emails exchanged among AEG executives that contained drafts of Murray's contract. Although Murray had signed a contract with the company, neither Jackson nor anyone from AEG had added their signatures. Trell testified that a copy of the contract had never been sent to Jackson With Trell on the stand, Panish played part of an interview that AEG Live President Randy Phillips gave to Sky News television soon after Michael's death. "This guy was willing to leave his practice for a very large sum of money, so we hired him," Phillips said.Panish also showed jurors an e-mail between AEG lawyers suggesting that Phillips told other interviewers AEG Live "hired" Murray. Panish: "Isn't it true that Randy Phillips made numerous comments that AEG Live hired Dr. Murray?"Trell: "I know he has made that statement" Panish said AEG higher-ups became concerned after Phillips made such admission. Trell said he didn't know if that was true. Bruce Black is the General Counsel for parent company of AEG and AEG Live. Michael Roth is AEG's media relations Email from Kathy Jorrie to Bruce Black and Michael Roth on 8/25/09: Subject: AEG Live president says AEG Live hired Dr. Conrad MurrayPanish shows Trell a deposition, under oath, given by insurance broker Bob Taylor on another case. Trell said he has never seen or read it. Trell denied having a telephone conversation with Mr. Taylor where Trell asked him if a doctor's compensation was covered in the insurance. Panish: "Does that refresh your recollection that AEG was employing Dr. Murray?"Trell: "Mr. Taylor has this completely wrong" After lunch break, Brian Panish asked if Shawn Trell wanted to change anything else in his testimony, to which he said "No" Bruce Black, attorney for Anschutz, was present in the meeting with LAPD. Trell met with the police on 1/12/10. Trell told the police that day that Dr. Murray would receive $150,000 compensation per month. Trell also said that Dr. Murray requested and AEG would provide necessary medical equipment and a nurse. More than five months after Jackson's death, Trell said, he informed LAPD detectives that Murray initially requested $5 million to join the tour but eventually agreed to a salary of $150,000 a month for 10 months. Panish: "As far as you know, all the agreements written for TII tour was done under AEG Live Productions, right?"Trell: "Yes" Panish: "Was Dr. Murray trying to help AEG get insurance?" Trell: "The policy was in both names, so he was helping both parties" Trell said Dennis Hawk, who represented Michael, was in touch with Taylor regarding the insurance Panish: "As of June 2009, you don't even know whether Mr. Jackson had a personal managerTrell: "Well, my understanding at the time there were a couple of people acting in that capacity" Email on 6/2/09 from Randy Phillips to Jeff Wald: "Jeff, remember getting Michael to focus is not the easiest thing in the world and we still have no lawyer, business manager, or, even real manager in place. It is a nightmare!"Trell said the only time he saw an artist's signature required to retain an independent contractor was for Dr. Murray. Trell said his understanding was that Dr. Murray worked for Michael for 3 years; didn't know how many times MJ saw Dr. Murray. "I've never spoken with Dr. Murray ever. And I met/spoke with Mr. Jackson once," Trell said. "He was a significant expense," Trell testified about Dr. Murray.Trell said AEG Live didn't do anything to check Dr. Murray's competency as doctor, other than checking his physician license. Trell said AEG didn't do anything to determine Dr. Murray's financial conditions in 2009. Jury was shown an email that Phillips sent to Kenny Ortega on night of June 20, 2009. It was email urging Ortega to stand down. Email on 6/20/09 Phillips to Ortega : "Kenny it's critical that neither you, me, anyone around this show become amateur psychiatrist/physicians. I had a lengthy conversation with Dr. Murray, who I am gaining immense respect for as I get to deal with him more. He said that Michael is not only physically equipped to perform & discouraging him to will hasten his decline instead of stopping it. Dr. Murray also reiterated that he is mentally able to and was speaking to me from the house where he had spent the morning with Michael. This doctor is extremely successful (we check everyone out) and does not need this gig so he is totally unbiased and ethical"Panish asked Trell whether Phillips "characterization to Ortega, given no background check was done, was a lie". Trell responded that he didn't know what Phillips knew or was thinking when he wrote that email to Ortega. Trell also said he expected Randy Phillips to testify at some point during the trial, so he could address the email himself Panish then asked Trell, "Sir, you never checked out one single thing about Dr. Murray -- you've already told me that, correct?""As of the date of the email, that would've been correct",Trell said. When pressed by Panish, Trell said that Phillips' statement that Murray had been checked out, along with the executive's claim that the doctor 'does not need this gig' were inaccurate. "I don't know where Randy's understanding or impression comes from", Trell said.Trell testified that Phillips might have been "misinformed" or simply was stating his impression of the Las Vegas cardiologist Panish: "But no one at AEG checked Dr. Murray to see if he was successful or not, isn't that true?"Trell: "Yes" Panish then asked several pointed questions about whether Shawn Trell agreed with Phillips telling Ortega they'd checked Murray out. One of Panish's questions was whether Trell thought Phillips' email was 'acceptable conduct' Panish called Phillips' statement "a flat out lie" and asked Trell whether he agreed with it or if it signified how AEG did business. Trell said he didn't know what Phillips thought he knew when he wrote the message. "I know this statement is not accurate, but you'd have to speak with Mr. Phillips about what he thought or meant in saying it," Trell said. Panish: "That's a flat out lie, isn't it sir?"Trell: "I don't know what Mr. Phillips intended to say, this should be a question to him" Panish: "You don't know if he was successful or facing bankruptcy, did you?" Trell: "No" Trell: "I know the statement is not accurate. You have to speak with Mr. Phillips about what he meant to say" Panish: "Do you agree with the CEO of your company making untrue statements?" Trell: "I don't know that he didn't know it wasn't true when he said it" Trell said Phillips never told him that he checked Dr. Murray out. As to reference in Phillips' email about Dr. Murray being unbiased, ethical, not needing this gig, Trell said it was Phillips' impressions. He said AEG typically only runs background checks on candidates applying for full-time jobs with AEG, not independent contractors. Panish: "Isn't it true AEG Live does not do background check on independent contractors?"Trell: "That's true" Trell said that no one from AEG interviewed Dr. Murray because he was an independent contractor. "Did anyone from AEG ever at any time interview Dr. Murray", asked Brian Panish"No", Trell replied. Panish showed a document used by AEG entitled "Disclosure and Authorization to Conduct Background Check". Doc is used for employment, promotion, retention, contingent or the rate staffing, consulting, sub-contract work, or volunteer work. Panish asked if there was any reason why Dr. Murray was not given a background check. "He wasn't an employee, he wasn't applying for a full time position with the company," Trell explained.Trell said theoretically they could've asked to check Dr. Murray's background and credit. AEG Cross Jessica Bina began her examination by showing the letter submitted by AEG's CFO to the Estate of Michael Jackson for their review. She asked Shawn Trell about the estimate presented to Jackson's estate that included Murray's $300k fees. She asked why it was prepared. Shawn Trell said it was done at the request of the estate. He said Jackson's estate wanted to know state of tour finances when Jackson died. Trell said the report was requested by the Estate after a series of meetings after Michael's death. "The purpose of the meeting was to wind up the business affairs of the tour due to Michael's death", Trell said. "It was my understating in June Tohme was back in the picture in some capacity. I'm not sure which, Mr. DiLeo was in it too," Trell saidBina: "Is there any request for payment?" Trell: "No, there's no demand for payment, it's for review" Stebbins Bina asked about the inclusion of Murray's fee in the document. Bina showed the report that was attached to the letter. Murray's fee on the document had a footnote. Trell read what that footnote said, and explained why estate wasn't asked for Murray's fee. Next to "Management Medical" there's a reference to footnote 3. Note 3: 'Contract is not signed by Michael Jackson and such signature was condition precedent to any payment obligation' - Footnote on Murray fee.Trell testified Webking, the CFO for AEG, did not ask Michael's Estate for payment of Dr. Murray's salary "You testified you were somewhat confused (by the inclusion of the $300,000)?", Bina asked Trell as she projected the list, dated July 17, 2009, on a screen for jurors."Do you see there's something in parentheses?', Stebbins Bina asked, zooming in to blow up a footnote from AEG CFO Frederick Webking that stated Michael Jackson never signed Murray's contract, so its terms were not enforceable. "Is Mr. Webking asking the estate to pay?", Stebbins Bina asked Trell. "No", he replied, explaining that upon reflection he believed Mr. Webking was just being 'thorough' by including the $300,000 as a budgeted cost. "Did Mr. Webking make a mistake as you thought yesterday?",she asked. "No, he did not", Trell answered Second report made to the Estate on 9/18/09, there was no amount next to management medical. Stebbins Bina then showed a Sept. 2009 report of This Is It's finances to Michael Jackson's estate. Murray's fee is not listed in that document Trell went through his job description with AEG. He said he has five lawyers in his department and has worked on thousands of agreements. Trell explained what PMK is -- Person Most Knowledgeable, identified by the company to testify on its behalf. Trell said he didn't know about all the topics he was designated, so he had to do some studying and interviews with people As to Ortega's contract, Trell said he was aware of a string of emails being at least a part of the original agreement with Kenny. "When we were done here yesterday, I looked at Kenny Ortega's original agreement," Trell said.Trell noted he hadn't looked at Ortega's agreement since it was entered into in 2009. Before the afternoon break, Trell and jury were shown Kenny Ortega's tour agreement. It was signed in April 2009. The agreement was three pages of legalese, with several pages of emails attached that confirmed the terms. The first three pages included some paragraphs that described who owned the rights to This Is It content. A large number of emails are part of the agreement as exhibits. Trell said he recalled the emails exchange and admitted again not being proud of forgetting the cover contract portion. Bina showed Ortega's executed contract with everyone's signature on it. Trell said Kenny Ortega was paid after his contract was signed. Trell, Phillips and Kathy Jorrie were involved in drafting and negotiating the contract with Michael Jackson. For MJ, Trell said Dr. Tohme Tohme and attorneys Dennis Hawk and Peter Lopez represented him. He said there were multiple drafts. "It's my understanding they were talking to, or at least receiving offers from, a competitive of ours, Live Nation," Trell said.Trell also said that before signing an agreement with AEG, Jackson had been considering a tour offer from its main competitor, Live Nation. Bina showed the jury the final tour agreement. Trell said he went to MJ's home at Carolwood to sign it. Upon arrival, Trell said Mr. Jackson got up from where he was seated, and said 'Hi, welcome, I'm Michael." Trell said it was pretty funny, since he was a very distinct person. Trell said they shook hands, he had a good firm handshake and his voice was not what people think "He popped up, came over, introduced himself, was very cordial, there was a real positive energy, good vibe in the room," Trell said. "He seemed genuinely enthused," Trell added. "He had the contract in front of him, said he read every page, seemed very enthused." Trell said they all signed it and Mr. Jackson was really keen on the 3-D stuff, that he was already down the road in his mind. "I was probably there just a little less than an hour. And that was the only time I met him," Trell recalled.Bina discussed the contract for the tour agreement: A first class performance by Artist at each show on each of the approved itineraries. Contract: Artist shall perform no less than 80 minutes at each show, and the maximum show length for each show shall be 3.5 hours. Artist shall approve a sufficient number of shows on itineraries proposed by promoter or producer as to recoup the advances made.Trell said compensation was agreed on 90-10 split. Artist received 90% of what's defined contingent compensation. Trell explained to jury how concerts get paid for. One scenario is artist pays for production up front. A second scenario is that the promoter gives artist an advance, and then they use the money to put together the show. The third option, Trell said, is the artist pays someone like AEG Live to produce and promote the show, with costs to come out of their pay. Trell called the second and third option like an interest-free loan. In Jackson's case, AEG agreed to a 90/10 split of show's proceeds. Jackson would have received the 90% portion, Trell said. Jackson was also on the hook for a 5% production fee AEG Live was promoter & producer. "We advanced the money necessary to mount the tour," Trell explained. "It's interest free money".Trell testified that Jackson's advance, which covered his $100,000-a-month rent on his mansion and a $3-million payment to settle a lawsuit that would free up his performance rights, was considered a loan to be paid back to AEG. Part of the advance was to pay off the settlement agreement of $3 million in London court. The underlying dispute was that a company owned the rights for Jackson's live performance. "The rights needed to be freed up," Trell said.The advances were to be paid back to AEG Live before the split of revenue. Production Advances were capped to $7.5 million. Contract: Artist was responsible for all the production costs in excess of the cap and had to reimburse promoter. "Michael Jackson was known to have very elaborate productions," Trell said. "Production values can get significant, for lack of a better word, it really depends on how many bells and whistles they want," Trell said.Trell said AEG would not advance money without the artist requesting it. Trell said it's not only typical and customary, but standard and artist needs to secure either non-appearance or cancellation insurance. Their interest in the policy, Trell said, was to cover the advances and production costs incurred with the production of the show. "If the were no obligations to AEG, the payout would go back to the artist", Trell explained, "It just recoups our loan made to the artist."Trell was also asked about elements of tour insurance policies and an agreement with former manager Tohme Tohme. Jackson's contract called for him to represent to AEG that he didn't have any health conditions that would keep him from performing. Contract: Artistco hereby represents and warrants that artist does not possess any known health conditions, injuries or ailments that would reasonable be expected to interfere with Artist's first class performance at each of the shows during the termOh Tohme's $100k per month agreement, Trell was shown a January contract that Jackson signed to pay that amount. However, Trell said Tohme's agreement was predicated on Jackson getting tour cancellation insurance by a certain date. Deadline passed and by that point Tohme was no longer Jackson's manager, so he wasn't entitled to be paid his monthly fee. January 24, 2009 -- agreement entered with Dr. Tohme Tohme. Trell said Michael was involved and signed this agreement. "This agreement was entered into January 26, Trell testified. "There are conditions that needed to be met before any payment could be made."One of the the conditions was placement of non-appearance insurance, Trell said. That placement was done in late April, early May. In May, AEG received letter from MJ saying Tohme didn't rep him anymore. "No payments were ever made under this agreement," Trell explained.Court Transcript Rebbie Jackson attending court https://preview.redd.it/mmatrsug5o1d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b2bb18c8e5e6bca215719208409346bccaf96bc4 https://preview.redd.it/h6ywhnug5o1d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4576d97371141a308ad6300fb33400f28ed009e3 https://preview.redd.it/wd14srug5o1d1.jpg?width=508&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=31ded1abac7f1916fc67b5d0b264dd231b96f275 https://preview.redd.it/pvrb3vug5o1d1.jpg?width=423&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2e4e93a20eccf030747d4ee60a95365b5e41e9ce https://preview.redd.it/yexbwrug5o1d1.jpg?width=419&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c26155b8478e7c48f8863d946b836f1ab2a13fe8 https://preview.redd.it/o6nzk0vg5o1d1.jpg?width=483&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f146baaaa738ec5fe700fa42aaf58e138f21165f https://preview.redd.it/vuozioug5o1d1.jpg?width=431&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f229517cb96a8f80571439f6f0e27f8c6c7852bc |
2024.05.21 15:01 Lunax101 Is she narcissistic or just a bad mom?
Hi all,
This is actually my first post on here. A little about myself I’m the eldest daughter (23yrs) in a brown household (love that for myself). I swear if I could be born again I’d love to be the youngest of the family (even thought I guess if someone’s narcissistic it doesn’t truly matter whether you’re the eldest or youngest)
Anyway, I’m currently in a country and I’m moving to the states and my mum and lil brother are staying there with my dad atm. My sister (15yrs) is busy with the most important exams of her high school(she’s in her last year) and me and my brother(he’s 22) just finished our university exams so we’re free! Our flight back is in 30 days and we both need to sell all the extra stuff in the house that didn’t come with our rented house. We also need to pack all our clothes etc and clean this house.
So far I’m the only one who’s been working on selling stuff on Facebook marketplace and cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen and the garage etc. my brother spends the entire day on his computer playing games or watching anime. I don’t hate my brother but sometimes I get really close to it. If I was his mom I swear he would’ve long been disowned. He’s the most unclean person alive (he never cleans his own bathroom, he leaves his dishes in his room for me to come collect and clean, never picks up his own dirty clothes I have to do his laundry, I even had to clean his shoes after he went out yesterday simply because i couldn’t stand how dirty they were) I like to stay clean and keep the house clean too. The only reason he even leaves his room is to eat (Ofcourse I’m the one cooking)
The issue is my parents have both simply given up on him at this point which he uses to his advantage even more. He’s living his best life, goes out with his friends and doesn’t lift a finger in the house.
Despite all this my mum still calls me and gets mad at me for doing things too slowly and not putting everything up on Facebook marketplace quickly enough?! I’ve already sold two items on there but it takes a while to make sure the person coming to our house isn’t a creep. Yet, every time she calls all she talks about is how I’m not taking things seriously, how I’m so lazy, how I’ll pay for the flight tickets if I don’t sell everything beforehand. We needed to renew a card for travelling and there’s a long wait time on it (3 months) which I still applied for despite the wait but yesterday I found out that I could request it earlier if it’s an emergency with the flight details. However rather than being happy or thanking me for finding this out my mum simply gave out since I should’ve found this earlier and it’s my fault if we don’t get an appointment quickly enough.
My friends are all travelling and doing their own things in life and since this week is the last week they’re free they asked me to hang out but I can’t even tell my mom that “hey can I pls hang out with them one last time” because I just know she’ll flip. I’m so stressed about this whole situation and I literally feel so numb and sad all the time. I’m not a social person either but I wanna go out just to change my environment. I know so many people have it worse but ah I wish i could catch a break.
Even when I finally get to the states I know my parents are expecting me to work as soon as I get there. I just want a week off. Just to live my own life in peace and not stress about anything. What would you do if u were in my position?
submitted by Lunax101 to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]
This is actually my first post on here. A little about myself I’m the eldest daughter (23yrs) in a brown household (love that for myself). I swear if I could be born again I’d love to be the youngest of the family (even thought I guess if someone’s narcissistic it doesn’t truly matter whether you’re the eldest or youngest)
Anyway, I’m currently in a country and I’m moving to the states and my mum and lil brother are staying there with my dad atm. My sister (15yrs) is busy with the most important exams of her high school(she’s in her last year) and me and my brother(he’s 22) just finished our university exams so we’re free! Our flight back is in 30 days and we both need to sell all the extra stuff in the house that didn’t come with our rented house. We also need to pack all our clothes etc and clean this house.
So far I’m the only one who’s been working on selling stuff on Facebook marketplace and cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen and the garage etc. my brother spends the entire day on his computer playing games or watching anime. I don’t hate my brother but sometimes I get really close to it. If I was his mom I swear he would’ve long been disowned. He’s the most unclean person alive (he never cleans his own bathroom, he leaves his dishes in his room for me to come collect and clean, never picks up his own dirty clothes I have to do his laundry, I even had to clean his shoes after he went out yesterday simply because i couldn’t stand how dirty they were) I like to stay clean and keep the house clean too. The only reason he even leaves his room is to eat (Ofcourse I’m the one cooking)
The issue is my parents have both simply given up on him at this point which he uses to his advantage even more. He’s living his best life, goes out with his friends and doesn’t lift a finger in the house.
Despite all this my mum still calls me and gets mad at me for doing things too slowly and not putting everything up on Facebook marketplace quickly enough?! I’ve already sold two items on there but it takes a while to make sure the person coming to our house isn’t a creep. Yet, every time she calls all she talks about is how I’m not taking things seriously, how I’m so lazy, how I’ll pay for the flight tickets if I don’t sell everything beforehand. We needed to renew a card for travelling and there’s a long wait time on it (3 months) which I still applied for despite the wait but yesterday I found out that I could request it earlier if it’s an emergency with the flight details. However rather than being happy or thanking me for finding this out my mum simply gave out since I should’ve found this earlier and it’s my fault if we don’t get an appointment quickly enough.
My friends are all travelling and doing their own things in life and since this week is the last week they’re free they asked me to hang out but I can’t even tell my mom that “hey can I pls hang out with them one last time” because I just know she’ll flip. I’m so stressed about this whole situation and I literally feel so numb and sad all the time. I’m not a social person either but I wanna go out just to change my environment. I know so many people have it worse but ah I wish i could catch a break.
Even when I finally get to the states I know my parents are expecting me to work as soon as I get there. I just want a week off. Just to live my own life in peace and not stress about anything. What would you do if u were in my position?
2024.05.21 15:01 aznpersuazion Is the Michelin Guide Overrated?
My experience with Michelin in a complicated one. Having gone to one, two, and three Michelin star restaurants across the globe, I've seen Michelin do some great things for restaurants, but I've also seen them bring the demise of others.
Because it's quite apparent what good things come from being highlighted by Michelin, this post is more focused on some of my criticisms of the Michelin guide, and why I think the current structure of Michelin should be changed.
Maintaining "Michelin's definition" of the gold standard..
There have been a ton of amazing restaurants given a one star review. Restaurants don't even need to be "fine dining" to be given a Michelin star, as highlighted by some of the cheap eats that have received a one star review.
But a one star review, can at times, be a curse for restaurants. Often, restaurants receive one star reviews got there by showcasing there strengths. A passion for food and creativity, a desire to share culture or tradition, or an expression of a personal brand of art.
When a restaurant receives a one star review, two things happen.
And eventually, they start to act as more of a "tourist attraction", and start to lose the original loyal clientele that brought them to where they were in the first place.
Secondly, they begin to compare themselves to the standards of other "higher" Michelin star restaurants.
And that typically means focusing more on a particular brand of fine dining. Hyper-attentive service, an overuse of "micro complex food"(emulsions, purees, colorful vegetation). Just to name a few.
I've seen this unfortunately happen time and time again.
If your customers wanted to go to a Eleven Madison Park, they'd travel to New York. But don't turn your restaurant into a chain of fine dining. You'll start to lose the allure, and it starts to feel like the routine of Mcdonalds or Capital Grille.
**If you enjoyed my content, consider checking out a referral link. You get additional sign up and welcome bonuses. Signing up and using Rakuten for cash back is free!*\*
submitted by aznpersuazion to travelfooddiaries [link] [comments]
Because it's quite apparent what good things come from being highlighted by Michelin, this post is more focused on some of my criticisms of the Michelin guide, and why I think the current structure of Michelin should be changed.
Maintaining "Michelin's definition" of the gold standard..
There have been a ton of amazing restaurants given a one star review. Restaurants don't even need to be "fine dining" to be given a Michelin star, as highlighted by some of the cheap eats that have received a one star review.
But a one star review, can at times, be a curse for restaurants. Often, restaurants receive one star reviews got there by showcasing there strengths. A passion for food and creativity, a desire to share culture or tradition, or an expression of a personal brand of art.
When a restaurant receives a one star review, two things happen.
- They begin to get huge influx of customers. Initially.
- They start to be compared to other one star restaurants, sometimes even two or three star.
And eventually, they start to act as more of a "tourist attraction", and start to lose the original loyal clientele that brought them to where they were in the first place.
Secondly, they begin to compare themselves to the standards of other "higher" Michelin star restaurants.
And that typically means focusing more on a particular brand of fine dining. Hyper-attentive service, an overuse of "micro complex food"(emulsions, purees, colorful vegetation). Just to name a few.
I've seen this unfortunately happen time and time again.
If your customers wanted to go to a Eleven Madison Park, they'd travel to New York. But don't turn your restaurant into a chain of fine dining. You'll start to lose the allure, and it starts to feel like the routine of Mcdonalds or Capital Grille.
**If you enjoyed my content, consider checking out a referral link. You get additional sign up and welcome bonuses. Signing up and using Rakuten for cash back is free!*\*
- Explaining why travel hacking is my favorite side hustle, along with step by step instructions.
- Rakuten is a reputable website/app with millions of users that gives you up 20% cash back on popular stores like Nike, Target, and Petsmart
- SoFi is a great online checking/savings bank that offers up to 4.9% interest on accounts(currently).
2024.05.21 15:01 aznpersuazion Is Software Engineering a Good Job in 2023?
To preface this post, I want to give the disclaimer that like many things, there is not a black and white answer the question. I'm writing this as an experienced tech professional, and the information provided is based on opinion.
To start with. A little bit of history..
The golden age of software engineering(and similar jobs) is over. At least for the next 5 - 10 years. I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. The reason why between the years of 2010 - 2022, these jobs exploded, was because of the boom of the internet for commercial and personal use.
This is different from the dotcom boom of 2000s, where the internet was just starting and most of the products being created were for basic things like: putting banking on the internet, putting videos on the internet, etc.
The boom in the 2010s was related to the widespread popularity of commercial and personal products. Things like Uber, Spotify, and Salesforce. With the sudden increased usage of the digital world, there were MILLIONS of companies rushing to create digital products.
However, we're starting to see the rise and fall of some of these products, millions of startups failings, and less VC funding. In case you don't know, VC stands for Venture Capital, which are basically investment companies that give money to other companies to help them grow and develop, in return for partial ownership of the company.
As the industry began to mature, successful companies started to emerge, and many more started to fail.
The present day..
Software engineering and like jobs will continue to be important, and there will be a high demands for these engineers. Nearly every company will still need a website, a place to manage their data, and people to manage their hardware. BUT.. the basic technologies they need to run their company will become more efficient. AND there will be less research and innovation because the a lot of the trial and error already occurred.
We're in a weird spot where the demand for workers is now decreasing from it's recent peaks, and the supply of workers is now increasing because of how all the benefits of being a software engineer in the past decade.
This has really unfortunate consequences for any recent graduates or others trying to break into the tech field. There are WAY more beginning career people than jobs available. Which is made even worse with the amount of layoffs there are, where mid-level employees are now having to settle for entry level jobs.
What can we do?
I have two pieces of advice for people interested in the topic, or wanting to break into the field but can't. Try breaking in from a adjacent field, where you can get some exposure to tech. Things that data entry, analytics(this can be finance, supply chain etc). Then try to learn as much as you can from the tech people at your company.
The second piece of advice. Go into a different field. Software engineering is not for everyone. You have to learn and understand some relatively complex topics, and it's becoming harder and harder to be competitive in the industry. Healthcare, supply chain, and many other industries are booming right now.
Understanding history, you can see that certain industries will rise and fall. For the near future, technology might be one of the harder careers to break into. Something like healthcare would be that's expected to grow exponentially. The average population of the world is getting older, as less and less people are wanting to have kids. There will be higher demand for healthcare professionals and healthcare technology.
Do your best to review and understand these trends, and hopefully you can create a good life and career. Best of luck!
**If you found any of this helpful, consider checking out a referral link. You get additional sign up and welcome bonuses. Signing up and using Rakuten for cash back is free!*\*
submitted by aznpersuazion to dataengineeringstuff [link] [comments]
To start with. A little bit of history..
The golden age of software engineering(and similar jobs) is over. At least for the next 5 - 10 years. I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. The reason why between the years of 2010 - 2022, these jobs exploded, was because of the boom of the internet for commercial and personal use.
This is different from the dotcom boom of 2000s, where the internet was just starting and most of the products being created were for basic things like: putting banking on the internet, putting videos on the internet, etc.
The boom in the 2010s was related to the widespread popularity of commercial and personal products. Things like Uber, Spotify, and Salesforce. With the sudden increased usage of the digital world, there were MILLIONS of companies rushing to create digital products.
However, we're starting to see the rise and fall of some of these products, millions of startups failings, and less VC funding. In case you don't know, VC stands for Venture Capital, which are basically investment companies that give money to other companies to help them grow and develop, in return for partial ownership of the company.
As the industry began to mature, successful companies started to emerge, and many more started to fail.
The present day..
Software engineering and like jobs will continue to be important, and there will be a high demands for these engineers. Nearly every company will still need a website, a place to manage their data, and people to manage their hardware. BUT.. the basic technologies they need to run their company will become more efficient. AND there will be less research and innovation because the a lot of the trial and error already occurred.
We're in a weird spot where the demand for workers is now decreasing from it's recent peaks, and the supply of workers is now increasing because of how all the benefits of being a software engineer in the past decade.
This has really unfortunate consequences for any recent graduates or others trying to break into the tech field. There are WAY more beginning career people than jobs available. Which is made even worse with the amount of layoffs there are, where mid-level employees are now having to settle for entry level jobs.
What can we do?
I have two pieces of advice for people interested in the topic, or wanting to break into the field but can't. Try breaking in from a adjacent field, where you can get some exposure to tech. Things that data entry, analytics(this can be finance, supply chain etc). Then try to learn as much as you can from the tech people at your company.
The second piece of advice. Go into a different field. Software engineering is not for everyone. You have to learn and understand some relatively complex topics, and it's becoming harder and harder to be competitive in the industry. Healthcare, supply chain, and many other industries are booming right now.
Understanding history, you can see that certain industries will rise and fall. For the near future, technology might be one of the harder careers to break into. Something like healthcare would be that's expected to grow exponentially. The average population of the world is getting older, as less and less people are wanting to have kids. There will be higher demand for healthcare professionals and healthcare technology.
Do your best to review and understand these trends, and hopefully you can create a good life and career. Best of luck!
**If you found any of this helpful, consider checking out a referral link. You get additional sign up and welcome bonuses. Signing up and using Rakuten for cash back is free!*\*
- Explaining why travel hacking is my favorite side hustle, along with step by step instructions.
- Rakuten is a reputable website/app with millions of users that gives you up 20% cash back on popular stores like Nike, Target, and Petsmart
- SoFi is a great online checking/savings bank that offers up to 4.9% interest on accounts(currently).
2024.05.21 15:00 nearlynothing2 Dedicated plex server - as simple as possible
My current setup is using my main PC with a Ryzen 3900 and Nvidia 3080. Everything is on one 18 TB HDD. At idle, this setup is using 100W or more, running 24/7. My current setup works well, no issues. But I'd like to move to something more efficient and only turn this PC on when I need it.
I've seen a lot about n100 mini PCs. One of those should be sufficient - it would only have to handle my local activity and my brother watching remotely. So at most two 4k transcodes, but most of the time just 0-1 since we're many time zones apart. I don't have a lot of free time and don't want to spend a huge amount on this project, especially since everything is already working, I just want to reduce my power consumption. The only thing this hardware would be used for is Plex. I've used ubuntu before, so I should be comfortable doing that and installing PMS. But is there any good reason to use one of the many other options - truenas, unraid, etc? Would Docker benefit me at all? I understand at a very vague level some of the benefits of these but it sounds like they are mostly helpful if trying to do other things besides Plex with the same hardware.
This would be a headless setup, so I would probably need a way to screenshare from ubuntu to Windows as well as send files from Windows to ubuntu. VNC and ssh?
The hardware options I'm considering are as follows:
Beelink S12 Pro - cheap but HDD would require external enclosure, which adds to cost and requires another power cord. I don't really want to set this up and a separate NAS.
Amazon.com: Beelink Mini S12 Pro Mini PC - 12th Gen Intel N100 (Up to 3.4GHz), 16GB DDR4, 500GB SSD, 4K Dual Display, WiFi 6, BT 5.2, 1000Mbps LAN - Low Power Mini Desktop Computer : Electronics
Aoostar R1 - slightly more expensive but HDD would be internally mounted, which I like. If I go with ubuntu would I be able to drop in a second 18 TB HDD for redundancy? The downside here I suppose is it's not expandable beyond 2 HDDs.
Amazon.com: AOOSTAR R1 Intel N100 Mini PC 4C/4T,Support 40T(2 * 20T) 2-Bay Storage, 3-in-1 Mini PC 16GB DDR4 512G NVME SSD Windows 11 PRO WiFi 6 Dual 2.5G LAN Soft Router HTPC : Electronics
Thanks for any thoughts. I've read a lot of posts lately but it's hard to keep everything straight and I'm worried there's something I've overlooked.
submitted by nearlynothing2 to PleX [link] [comments]
I've seen a lot about n100 mini PCs. One of those should be sufficient - it would only have to handle my local activity and my brother watching remotely. So at most two 4k transcodes, but most of the time just 0-1 since we're many time zones apart. I don't have a lot of free time and don't want to spend a huge amount on this project, especially since everything is already working, I just want to reduce my power consumption. The only thing this hardware would be used for is Plex. I've used ubuntu before, so I should be comfortable doing that and installing PMS. But is there any good reason to use one of the many other options - truenas, unraid, etc? Would Docker benefit me at all? I understand at a very vague level some of the benefits of these but it sounds like they are mostly helpful if trying to do other things besides Plex with the same hardware.
This would be a headless setup, so I would probably need a way to screenshare from ubuntu to Windows as well as send files from Windows to ubuntu. VNC and ssh?
The hardware options I'm considering are as follows:
Beelink S12 Pro - cheap but HDD would require external enclosure, which adds to cost and requires another power cord. I don't really want to set this up and a separate NAS.
Amazon.com: Beelink Mini S12 Pro Mini PC - 12th Gen Intel N100 (Up to 3.4GHz), 16GB DDR4, 500GB SSD, 4K Dual Display, WiFi 6, BT 5.2, 1000Mbps LAN - Low Power Mini Desktop Computer : Electronics
Aoostar R1 - slightly more expensive but HDD would be internally mounted, which I like. If I go with ubuntu would I be able to drop in a second 18 TB HDD for redundancy? The downside here I suppose is it's not expandable beyond 2 HDDs.
Amazon.com: AOOSTAR R1 Intel N100 Mini PC 4C/4T,Support 40T(2 * 20T) 2-Bay Storage, 3-in-1 Mini PC 16GB DDR4 512G NVME SSD Windows 11 PRO WiFi 6 Dual 2.5G LAN Soft Router HTPC : Electronics
Thanks for any thoughts. I've read a lot of posts lately but it's hard to keep everything straight and I'm worried there's something I've overlooked.
2024.05.21 15:00 Zombpossum My husband just helped me regain a hobby, and I feel horrible about it.
To start, by freedom I mean I am now able to go out to the woods for overnight hiking/camping without a car or anything. My husband bought me a very nice Osprey 65 pack, a new jet stove, and I've been collecting what else I need (cooking, sleeping, clothing, etc.) so I have been ready to go for about 3-4 years, except I had nothing to carry it in easily and comfortably.
Yesterday he took me to REI to look at a new jet stove, then had me fitted for a backpack, tried it on, and he dropped about $450 at the store. He got some nice walking sticks, and we bought a few other things (I really wanted the mushroom book, so I got the mushroom book) so it wasn't all just the bag, but the bag was over 50%.
We immediately went out and took a 1.5 mile hike around a lake with our 4 year old, and I wore my pack stuffed with items to get used to it's sit and how to put it on right.
Last night when we finally got home, I realized I had done nothing in the house, I had to go throw the chicken coop back together (as I was cleaning it out before we impromptuly left), water the garden, check the cats, feed the kittens, flea meds the cats and ferrets. It threw me straight into the stress pit. I sat down and stared at my bag, because when the hell will I habe time to go out? He sprung that he had reserved a hike in camp site I've stared at for years for a night in a couple weeks.
I feel so bad leaving him and my daughter behind, but I haven't had a chance to disappear on my own for years, and I really want this, but I feel like shit, because I never thought I'd actually get to do this.
I love my husband so much, and he's spent 2-3x more on electronics then we did on the pack, which he's not used for quite a while, and I am looking forward to taking overnight trips out for photography trips and possibly spending 3-4 days dispersement camping in West Virginia. I just feel guilty, I feel like soon as I got back home and reality settled, I realized I won't have as much time as I'd hoped.
My husband says it's mom guilt, and if he didn't think I'd use it he wouldn't have bought it for me. He also pointed out that life is short, and one shouldn't stop doing things they love because of a price tag. I spent over half the year in the hospital last year with the possibility of never getting out. It really made me long for my old outdoor hobbies I gave up for an ex, and my ex has started pushing hikes, camping, fishing, gardening, and other outdoor activities on me to bring them back.
I honestly don't remember why I felt like posting this, I think it was mainly because mom guilt is real, and all my childless friends think I'm being stupid about feeling bad about it.
submitted by Zombpossum to Mommit [link] [comments]
Yesterday he took me to REI to look at a new jet stove, then had me fitted for a backpack, tried it on, and he dropped about $450 at the store. He got some nice walking sticks, and we bought a few other things (I really wanted the mushroom book, so I got the mushroom book) so it wasn't all just the bag, but the bag was over 50%.
We immediately went out and took a 1.5 mile hike around a lake with our 4 year old, and I wore my pack stuffed with items to get used to it's sit and how to put it on right.
Last night when we finally got home, I realized I had done nothing in the house, I had to go throw the chicken coop back together (as I was cleaning it out before we impromptuly left), water the garden, check the cats, feed the kittens, flea meds the cats and ferrets. It threw me straight into the stress pit. I sat down and stared at my bag, because when the hell will I habe time to go out? He sprung that he had reserved a hike in camp site I've stared at for years for a night in a couple weeks.
I feel so bad leaving him and my daughter behind, but I haven't had a chance to disappear on my own for years, and I really want this, but I feel like shit, because I never thought I'd actually get to do this.
I love my husband so much, and he's spent 2-3x more on electronics then we did on the pack, which he's not used for quite a while, and I am looking forward to taking overnight trips out for photography trips and possibly spending 3-4 days dispersement camping in West Virginia. I just feel guilty, I feel like soon as I got back home and reality settled, I realized I won't have as much time as I'd hoped.
My husband says it's mom guilt, and if he didn't think I'd use it he wouldn't have bought it for me. He also pointed out that life is short, and one shouldn't stop doing things they love because of a price tag. I spent over half the year in the hospital last year with the possibility of never getting out. It really made me long for my old outdoor hobbies I gave up for an ex, and my ex has started pushing hikes, camping, fishing, gardening, and other outdoor activities on me to bring them back.
I honestly don't remember why I felt like posting this, I think it was mainly because mom guilt is real, and all my childless friends think I'm being stupid about feeling bad about it.
2024.05.21 15:00 AutoModerator No Stupid Questions Thread - Week of May 21, 2024
LoTM may not be the easiest novel to follow, especially for beginners or people coming back to read it. A few recurring questions have been answered in the FAQ. For any questions/discussions not answered in the FAQ or that do not warrant their own posts, please use this thread.
Remember, there's no such thing as a stupid question.
submitted by AutoModerator to LordofTheMysteries [link] [comments]
Remember, there's no such thing as a stupid question.
2024.05.21 15:00 AutoModerator Weekly LFG & Advertisement thread (Week 21 2024)
This thread is for finding groups for bosses, Elite Dungeon runs, or whatever other group content you'd like to participate in. Additionally, this is where you should advertise your clan, community discord, or anything else that is not appropriate for its own post (because it conflicts with rule 5 or 6, or because you feel like it shouldn't be its own post).
Information regarding clans, guides, fcs, and many other things can be found in the /RS3Ironmen wiki here: /RS3Ironmen/wiki/index/
If clans/series/guides are missing, please let us know in this thread or via modmail and we will try to add that information to the wiki page.
submitted by AutoModerator to RS3Ironmen [link] [comments]
Information regarding clans, guides, fcs, and many other things can be found in the /RS3Ironmen wiki here: /RS3Ironmen/wiki/index/
If clans/series/guides are missing, please let us know in this thread or via modmail and we will try to add that information to the wiki page.
2024.05.21 14:59 pussy_buster0 Hello berojgars!
How did you end up being berojgar?
What are the things you should've done to prevent that?
I got to know from past posts that a lot of people in this sub earn way more than what an average nepali earns. So what did you do different from them to be in the position you are in rn?
Just completed +2 so i am planning on avoiding what you did. Ani abw employed harule pani aafno sector ma ajhai ramro kasari garna saknu hunthyo vandinu na.
submitted by pussy_buster0 to NepalSocial [link] [comments]
What are the things you should've done to prevent that?
I got to know from past posts that a lot of people in this sub earn way more than what an average nepali earns. So what did you do different from them to be in the position you are in rn?
Just completed +2 so i am planning on avoiding what you did. Ani abw employed harule pani aafno sector ma ajhai ramro kasari garna saknu hunthyo vandinu na.
2024.05.21 14:59 Hairy_Present9040 I feel like I lose my personality and become hollow in social settings.
(20,F) Idk whats wrong with me and idk if i was like this before too. Im fine at home but as soon as i go out, am around people, friends amd such, its like i lose my personality, like im a hollow person. I forget the memes or funny things ik, things I like when im with my friends. It makes me so bland and like a person without any life. Im awkward and idk why in the topic of justice or any prejudice I get so idk riled up? I fight with anyone, people in authority, just anyone without stopping. I cant stop and think, my mouth just runs and runs and I hate it. Idk how to stop. My brain is always foggy, and i cant think or remember anything. And when my friends are being silly and dancing or singing, i just freeze?? even when i know the dance steps and the songs. All of this sounds so stupid while typing here but it bothers me sm. This is all over the place too but I'm trying to not miss anything i want to rant about. Idk if its relevent but I do take meds Lamotrigine 100mg morning and night and Atomoxetine 40 mg in the morning. I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression then BPD then I got preecribed atomox because I told my psych i may have adhd. And it works. I dont trust my psychs or my prev therapist at all. All this psychology and psychiatry feels so shallow. They only take u seriously once u show severe physical symtoms. I also took ketamine for 2 years, 6/6 months and did rTMS later. My brain keeps on telling me its because of rtms that i've changed. I feel like im a different person than i was before the treatment, idk how to ask my friends. Also, i feel like im a fun person when i meet someone for the first time but as soon as they start becoming "old" i lose the person i was before, i start becoming boring. And since on the 1st day of meeting them, im all bubbly and fun, people talk and act to me like that now and im always wondering why are these people talking like this to me or hanging out w me because im so boring. Idk whats wrong with me, i dont understand. I hope theres someone who understands even a little. This is all written jumbled up but thats how my thoughts are.
submitted by Hairy_Present9040 to mentalillness [link] [comments]
2024.05.21 14:58 kelthething WIBTA for “exposing” a facebook live seller for pretty much scamming her viewers?
A week ago, a family friend sent us a link to a facebook group. The host is a mom of 2 kids (and has a working husband) who sells things like earrings, bracelets, hair accessories, bags, key rings etc on a live stream.
Here are some of the prices: £1.50 for a pair of socks £1.50 for a pair of earrings £3.50 for a furry unicorn pen £0.40 for a hair bobble £1.50 for a necklace £3.50 for a bag £0.75 for a hair clip £1.50 for a spoon with text on it (this is only a small list of the things she sells)
We (mom and me) bought some things and were satisfied until one day my mom gets an ad for an item she bought from the host’s live.
We then download the app that the ad was on, and see a ‘lightning sale’ area and lo and behold all the stuff that she has been selling in the live is there, but significantly cheaper.
These are the prices on the app: £0.94 for 5x pairs of socks £0.17 for a pair of earrings £1.17 for a furry unicorn pen £0.57 for 50x hair bobbles £0.27 for a necklace £1.37 for a bag £0.50 for a pack of 5 hair clips £0.79 for a spoon.
These prices aren’t too different but when you buy in bulk some of the stuff that she sells, it quickly adds up.
In the group there is a woman we’ll call ‘C’. ‘C’ is a BIG contributor to the group and spends £150 at a time on orders. The most recent order makes me feel very bad for her. She bought 115x pairs of socks for £86 from the host. We found the pairs of socks she bought on the ‘lightning sales’ section and they’re there for £0.56 to £0.76 for a pack of 5…
I don’t think ‘C’ knows that she’s being absolutely ripped off. She’s very happy with how “cheap” everything that the host sells is.
The host could easily sell the items for cheaper and still make good profit too. Instead she buys items and then sells them for around 5-8x what she bought them for.
I feel so bad for ‘C’. She’s spent so much money on things she could’ve gotten sooo much cheaper..
The worst thing is that in the lives, the host says things like: “wow this is such a good deal” or “ooh i might keep these for myself” and “more socks for you ‘C’!” She’s also made posts about how she’s been able to afford carpets, sheds and other nice and expensive things out of the money she’s made from the group.
WIBTA for letting ‘C’ know that she could be saving so much money by buying straight from the source?
The only problem i have is that if i let ‘C’ know, the group would probably grind to a halt which would mean no income for the host and her kids from the group. As well as the fact that the host knows our family friend and it might “rock the boat”.
I’m all for people earning money, but i feel like the host is taking advantage of the fact that we don’t know about the app she buys her stock from…
Thanks for reading if you made it this far and any advice would be greatly appreciated!
submitted by kelthething to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
Here are some of the prices: £1.50 for a pair of socks £1.50 for a pair of earrings £3.50 for a furry unicorn pen £0.40 for a hair bobble £1.50 for a necklace £3.50 for a bag £0.75 for a hair clip £1.50 for a spoon with text on it (this is only a small list of the things she sells)
We (mom and me) bought some things and were satisfied until one day my mom gets an ad for an item she bought from the host’s live.
We then download the app that the ad was on, and see a ‘lightning sale’ area and lo and behold all the stuff that she has been selling in the live is there, but significantly cheaper.
These are the prices on the app: £0.94 for 5x pairs of socks £0.17 for a pair of earrings £1.17 for a furry unicorn pen £0.57 for 50x hair bobbles £0.27 for a necklace £1.37 for a bag £0.50 for a pack of 5 hair clips £0.79 for a spoon.
These prices aren’t too different but when you buy in bulk some of the stuff that she sells, it quickly adds up.
In the group there is a woman we’ll call ‘C’. ‘C’ is a BIG contributor to the group and spends £150 at a time on orders. The most recent order makes me feel very bad for her. She bought 115x pairs of socks for £86 from the host. We found the pairs of socks she bought on the ‘lightning sales’ section and they’re there for £0.56 to £0.76 for a pack of 5…
I don’t think ‘C’ knows that she’s being absolutely ripped off. She’s very happy with how “cheap” everything that the host sells is.
The host could easily sell the items for cheaper and still make good profit too. Instead she buys items and then sells them for around 5-8x what she bought them for.
I feel so bad for ‘C’. She’s spent so much money on things she could’ve gotten sooo much cheaper..
The worst thing is that in the lives, the host says things like: “wow this is such a good deal” or “ooh i might keep these for myself” and “more socks for you ‘C’!” She’s also made posts about how she’s been able to afford carpets, sheds and other nice and expensive things out of the money she’s made from the group.
WIBTA for letting ‘C’ know that she could be saving so much money by buying straight from the source?
The only problem i have is that if i let ‘C’ know, the group would probably grind to a halt which would mean no income for the host and her kids from the group. As well as the fact that the host knows our family friend and it might “rock the boat”.
I’m all for people earning money, but i feel like the host is taking advantage of the fact that we don’t know about the app she buys her stock from…
Thanks for reading if you made it this far and any advice would be greatly appreciated!