Hi, i’ve(29F) been struggling with this all of my life. I have been masturbating from teenager years by rubbing my clit but then when a guy touches my vulva it feels like nothing. I mean, i notice the touch but it just doesn’t give any pleasure. I’ve also used some dildo during my masturbation lately which is the size of average penis and it has been some what pleasurable. But then when i have penetration, again nothing. I’ve done kegels which have helped a littlebit and i’ve had three times actually pleasurable penetration. I need to mention that there is never any pain. Oral feels good like 30% of the times. And i’ve had several partners, different sizes penises, feelings with the partner and i am not in any medication. I’ve also been in sexual therapy for 1,5 years but that hasn’t helped. And no trauma!
Sex shouldn’t be this difficult right? What is wrong with me😭 i start to loose hope for good sex. But the couple pleasurable times keep my hopes up.

I struggle(d) with addiction to online sex, attachment trauma, no history of committed relationship, some other mental health issues, broadly speaking some emotional abuse and sexual assault that I don't know if and how it affected me, and last risky sexual behavior with stranger that was self-harm behavior probably. I am into BDSM but the addiction led me to selling my body..
I'm telling all of this cause it might affect another issue I have with my sexual orientation. I had HOCD after discovering some sexual experiences in the past weren't consensual. When I was treated for HOcD the doubts diminished but the "false arousal" toward particular women remained. I didn't stress about it anymore. But lately I do because I want to fantasise about a specific guy and fantasies about girls make me orgasm much faster and harder.. I really like him but it's complicated as always. I feel anxiously attached to men, but deactivate before a relationship can form. We actually met when I was selling myself, but he's a great guy with his own issues. Things became more intimate with us but sexually I was mostly attached to my online escapades and not with him too much. After some dates I srxually shut down. it's not that I didn't enjoy it though. I cried after the date and before I dreamt of a sexual assault. But also I felt like maybe I should feel more aroused by the sex and I blamed it on not having explored our kinks fully which are very similar.
I also had phone sex with a guy who is sexually Dom and I came so hard I was shaking. But I usually struggle with feeling that electric sexual feeling with men although I like having sex it doesn't arouse me so stronglycompared to the fantasies with women, also tingly sensations around some women, whereas with men the arousal would follow the desire to be intimate. I enjoy giving BJ, but penetration can feel difficult sometimes also receiving oral isn't too great but maybe I have my specific techniques and when someone employed it it was great with their hands..
Seeing women, I get a faster arousal by now, that was never there before HOCD but remainrd. I DON'T like the thought of eating them out at all, or being affectionate with a woman or being in a romantic relationship with them. But the sexual arousal and less sexual arousal with men is making me struggle.. until last week I was infatuated with the guy, we had issues we discussed and weren't in touch for some time, but I felt so anxious obsessed confused spacey ungrounded and I really wanted to be with him but so stressed too. now I feel blocked anddisconnected and I'm scared I'm lesbian or simply not attracted enough to men to have a relationship with them.
I do want w relationship with men and always fantasized about it. Also like the polarity physically and mentally. But my body responds differrntly than what I like.. what's going on? I feel depressed about my life

This post is going to be a bit long, so sorry in advance!
First, a little background: I'm not a swiftie. In fact, I'm the farthest from her target demographic as can be and I'm more into metal, so pop music usually isn't my thing. I listened to Taylor Swift when I was younger and enjoyed her music, also, i used to have a huge crush on her, but then I went through the "I'll only listen to metal cuz it's the superior genre and everything else sucks" phase. Thankfully, I matured out of that a couple of years ago and started diversifying my music taste.
Naturally, Taylor Swift came back onto my radar. I revisited her older songs for the nostalgia and good memories. Then, I heard that 1989 was her best album, so I gave it a shot. Honestly, I thought is was quite awful, part for like a song or 2. People then recommended folklore and evermore as her "true" best albums. I listened to them, and I have to say, I really enjoyed them! While there were songs I didn't love, I appreciated them all. Through these albums, I recognized her talent as an incredible songwriter and storyteller. Her lyrics are very good, and she clearly stands out from other pop artists i listened to. Compared to modern pop music, I think she's on a different league. I even enjoyed some metal covers of her songs!
Since then, I got on the Taylor swift drama train. The whole Taylor Swift phenomenon is pretty interesting, tbh, and I've been enjoying the drama.
Now, onto the main point: Taylor Swift's personality. This is just my personal opinion based on interviews and things I've read and seen. I don't have a Ph.D. in Taylor Swift like some of y'all – I'm new to this! I think she comes across as very sweet, kind, genuine, and fun. Plus, she's undeniably one of the hottest celebrities around if not the hottest. I don't understand why people criticize her looks, but hey, to each their own. She also is very charismatic and has a great stage presence.
Now, I know some of her fans are obnoxious, and I don't think she's above criticism. But coming in as a new fan, I assumed everyone loved and respected her. I thought her haters were mostly far-right extremists or misogynists who disliked her for dating multiple men, supporting LGBTQ+ rights and feminism, or simply because they can't fathom the idea that the biggest, most critically acclaimed and loved artist in the world is a woman who makes music for mainly other women. and you can't deny that this makes a big portion of her haters, but I've been surprised to see actual leftists and feminists who criticize and even hate her on SN before it became private and here. This is why I'm here. I want to understand why there's so much negativity towards Taylor Swift. What did she do to deserve entire subreddits dedicated to hating on her? What unforgivable crime justifies constant bullying and mockery and trying to vilify all and everything she does?
Full disclosure, I have some issues with her too. The private jet situation and her capitalist tendencies come to mind. Worst of all, I was disappointed by her silence on the Palestinian issue. However, here's how I see those issues:
Private Jets: For someone as famous and as big as her, how else is she supposed to travel long distances between countries quickly? What's the realistic alternative here without causing even more fuss?
Capitalism: Look, I'm a socialist myself, and I get the frustration. But all rich celebrities are capitalists trying to make more money. Why give Taylor extra hate for something everyone else does?
Palestine: This one is a valid criticism. She should have spoken up, and I was disappointed. However, many other celebrities I like were silent too. so same question, Why the extra hate for Taylor?
I could have just posted this on a Taylor Swift fan subreddit for reassurance, but I'm genuinely curious. What has Taylor Swift done to warrant such hatred? Is there a specific event or moment that made you go, "Okay, that's too much"?

Last week I told myself I was done drinking, but I had beer left in my fridge and told myself “one more won’t hurt”, and now I’m typing this with one eye closed, hammered drunk. I’m 30 and don’t want to waste the next 10 years like I did with my 20s. I think most people would consider me a functioning alcoholic as I have a good job with a college degree, but I’m miserable. My father is also an alcoholic, which I feel like is where I was taught to think that “men drink after work”. I told myself that I’m not buying more beer after my fridge is empty, but now I’m not sure I have the will power.

Throwaway account for reasons that will become obvious.
I've been dealing with hypersexuality for a while and it caused me to seek out online chats, photo/video exchange etc. My long term partner (been together a few years) found out about it and we're trying to work through it while I get the hypomania under control.
Despite that, I kept in touch with one of these online contacts and it's become more than just about the hypersexuality. I actually have feelings for them and vice versa, as much as an online connection can foster.
I know that I should stop, but I can't. I know I should confess all to my partner but I can't. I know that for various reasons this online connection can't go any further, although there is a huge part of me that would like to explore that given the opportunity. I know my hypomanic brain is like a magpie and this connection could very much be an "ooh, shiny!" thing.
I don't know if I want my relationship with my partner to end or continue, but I also know that making that decision while hypomanic is a ridiculous idea. And I suspect a confession would lead to them ending it with me, which perhaps I'll end up regretting.
I love my partner very much, and I'm aware I'm a massive deceitful dick at this point. I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation, and how they found their path out of it?

The Revival is a PC server that provides an organic DayZ experience. Our rules are designed to discourage KOS and toxicity. Our mission is to provide an immersive experience that stays true to what makes DayZ a great game.
Please check out our trailer. It's worth a watch even if you don't plan on playing our server.

FACTIONS RECRUITING

• Deer Isle Police Department - Active Police Force
• Federation of Medical Experts - Active Medical Team
• Revival Trade Collective - Active Trading Group
• Disciples of The Hammered Faith - Devoted followers of Homerius Depotus. Trailer here.
• Dexter's Munchies - Providing what we can to increase the quality of your survival on Deer-isle! We do our best to keep our food crates filled up for the public so you can sit back and relax for a bit!
• The Fish and Game Specialists - A group of friendly hunters, survivalists, and scavengers with a love for diplomacy and emphasis on teamwork.
• Or start your own

FEATURES

• Custom Safe Zone
• Custom POIs
• Custom Dark Zone with Leaderboard & real $$$ Rewards
• Business Licenses for Mechanics, Tailors, Gunsmith, and Carpenters!
• Server Lore Dating Back to 2018 & Experienced Core of Roleplayers
• Base Building with deed system for offline raiding protection
• Mods: Dogtags, Passports, Drugs, Boats, New Zombie Types, Many More!
• People actually use radios. (Long range, no battery drain)
• KOS Discouraged, Interaction Encouraged
• Healthy PvP & Base Raiding - Deed your base with PD to receive a DM when you're being raided.
• Loot is Close to Vanilla, Added Modded Clothing, Guns, Cars, Boats & RP Items
• Customs Mods and Experienced Modders
• All Mods Thoroughly Tested & Configured for Balancing

SERVER INFO

• Dedicated Server in Eastern USA
• 4.5GHz Baseline CPU, High FPS
• Active & Mature Admins and Moderators
• Whitelist and Application Process
• Active Player Bans & Cheater Monitoring
• Clear Rules & Organized Discord
https://discord.gg/therevival

Recently, I was speaking with some native Spanish speakers, and during our conversations, they were surprised by some of what I brought up about Spanish that they didn’t even realize was true. One of them, a person who teaches the language, was stunned to realize that, in Spanish, the word “vacation” is always in plural form (e.g. it’s never “la vacación”; it’s always “las vacaciones”).
This made me think about a saying I heard long ago: that in a certain manner, the language we understand the least is our native language. Some of us may have never actually felt the need to study its details, so we just take it for granted. Meanwhile, in learning another language, studying it is part of the process, so we pick up on these details along the way. We can see the results play out in videos like this.
How comfortable do you feel about understanding the details of your native language(s)? Feel free to answer in general or give specific examples.

Good Morning Patriots
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Free place to chat and a good place to discuss whatever you like with other sub users
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2024 Opponents Set.

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Patriots front office tracker

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Meet New England’s 2024 Rookie Class.

Patriots updated depth chart

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New England Patriots News Catchup Links - Left tackle front and center as OTAs begin

• Alexandra Francisco goes behind the scenes: Making the schedule release video of ‘Good Jules Hunting’ & ‘The Town’.
• Highlights: Behind the scenes video (8.37 min.)
• Mike Reiss shares some quick-hit weekend thoughts: Jerod Mayo’s big call - Will Drake Maye play in Week 3 prime-time game? Drew Bledsoe’s advice for Drake Maye; Will Tom Brady be calling any Pats’ games? Matt Judon next up for contract adjustment? OTAs this week, media present on Monday; Pats’ have 3 rookies at the NFLPA Rookie Premier; More.
• Steve Balestrieri’s Sunday Patriots News: Next phase of OTAs, 2024 schedule, Brissett’s key role; More.
• Ben Volin’s Sunday Football Notes: Complexity of NFL schedule makes for some strange and potentially unfair quirks
• Andy Hart’s Sunday 7: Big questions facing the Patriots as OTAs ramp up; Is there a capable, competent left tackle on the roster? More.
• Mike D’Abate tells us three things to watch for as Patriots begin OTAs: Though live contact drills are prohibited during this period, 7-on-7, 9-on-7, and 11-on-11 drills can be run; The battle for left tackle; More.
• Brian Hines identifies 7 things to watch as Patriots begin OTAs and minicamp. 1. Drake Maye and the rookies.
• Alex Barth suggests 8 things to watch during Patriots OTAs and minicamp. 1. Distribution of quarterback reps.
• Doug Kyed spotlights 6 positional battles to watch as practices start this week. QB, LT, WR, G, CB, K.
• Scott Zolak points out how the Patriots’ defense has the ability to keep them in games again.
• Andy Hart says the Drake Maye Watch is officially underway. The starting QB job in New England is Drake Maye’s, the only question is when he takes the spot from Jacoby Brissett.
• Nick O’Malley talks about Drake Maye making his first appearance in a Patriots uniform.
• Mike D’Abate reposts the photo of Patriots rookie Drake Maye and Tom Brady posing for a photo at the NFLPA Rookie Premiere.
• Karen Guregian says the NFL schedule makers make it obvious what their view of the Patriots is.

Perhaps it's just my body, but I've found Metallica is actually the perfect music for "naps".
Sure, their music makes me feel all kinds of ways; excited, sad, overjoyed, etc. -sleepy just happens to be one of them.
Looking at it from more of a scientific standpoint, Metallica's musical composure is deep and rythmic enough that you can relax and breath really deeply/space out to it- maybe even daydream a little if you have an overactive imagination like me, but at the same time it's heavy enough that you have a better chance of not falling into sleep that's too deep.
This is a good thing because napping should to be around 20-30 minutes otherwise you can disrupt your sleep cycle by waking up from an alarm after an hour and a half or three while in the middle of deep sleep (the big sleep that's supposed to be 8-10 hours) and feel drained instead of recharged.
I've had some great times spacing out on the floor just medium volume blasting their albums or resting my eyes on the bus ride home with my headphones cranked up.
In fact the different tempos in each album also affect the quality of rest I get. Kill em' All is so speedy I usually just take a couple songs and put it in a playlist with other songs of their's. The most chill album I'd have to say probably the black album. As for my TIPPITY top picks I'd have to got with Ride the Lightning (deluxe remaster was great when I was sick! Live performances really cheer you up!), Master of Puppets, and St. Anger. Caught some good quick Z's with those.
Maybe I'll come back with a tier list in the future of all their albums ranked sleep-wise. I'm not sure yet.
So... uh.. yee... Metallica is good for your brain. At least it works for me. 🤷‍♀️

My friend Sandra and I have known each other for over 20 years (we are 30-32). Sandra is getting married to Andres, and I am married to Ian. Our baby was born a year ago.
Some relevant information:

• Andres and I originally come from the same country and even the same region. We share many characteristics.
• We both have very round faces, deep brown eyes, long straight black hair, etc. If you didn't know better, you might assume we are siblings.
• I met Andres six years ago and introduced him to Sandra. He proposed two years ago.
• I own a beautiful property in my home country that I was ready to lend to Sandra and Andres for their wedding.
• My property is like a finca and has 10 rooms. Usually, I would rent it out for weddings at a somewhat high price, but I was happy to give it to them at no cost, with the condition that they hire their own catering and have their guests strip their beds when they leave.

The issue:
Three months ago, Sandra became more reclusive. She wouldn't answer my texts, and we didn't meet up. Two weeks ago, she appeared at my door with Andres. They sat us down (my husband included) and said she suspected that my daughter is actually Andres' biological daughter and requested a paternity test for peace of mind.
I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything. My husband lost his temper and raised his voice, telling Sandra that she was being absolutely stupid.
Sandra pointed out that my daughter looks like Andres. I explained that Andres and I look alike. She kept shaking her head, saying my daughter would look more like my husband and not like my exact copy.
The evening ended poorly. I agreed to the test if they paid for it. The results came back last Friday, showing that Andres was not the father. We also did a test confirming that my husband is the father.
Sandra cried and tried to hug me. I told her I didn't want to and that I didn't want to be friends with her for the time being. She kept saying her worries were justified and made a comment about "women from your country being more likely to do that."
In that moment, I was filled with anger. I told her she could forget about using the venue and that I didn't want her in my life anymore. She started crying, but I made her leave.
Her mom and she have been texting me, saying they can't find a new venue. I still said no.
Twenty minutes ago, Sandra called me sobbing, saying that the wedding is off because of me.
Am I the asshole? Should I have let her use the venue at the usual price, or was what I did okay?

What's up with this celebrity Block out
So recently, I heard about this movement to “Block out” certain celebrities. It seems like this generation feels like these people haven't done enough for their liking about such things as social justice or what's going on in the world.
Oh, you mean the “influencers” that you made famous by watching their sex tapes? Or their stupid videos? Those influencers? Now you want them to stand up and be more? You made them famous for doing things like sucking d@$k, but now you expect more from them because you made them rich and famous?
Maybe they don't speak out because they saw what happened when all the other celebrities did have a say about something. You told them you didn't like their opinions and tried to cancel them.Those celebrities? Now you want them to speak out?
So which is it people? You want them to speak out, or if not, you'll block them out. Or then if they do speak out and you don't like their opinions and you'll cancel them, which is it? You can't have both, even though you “think” you're entitled to both.
Stop putting your beliefs on others. Maybe they don't believe in what you do. So because they have a different point of view, you will block or cancel them. Who made you God of all social media? No one forced you to follow them or buy their shit or make them rich. Now, because you did, you think you get a say in their lives?
They have no way out here with you people. Either they are damned if they do or damned if they don't. So how about this, how about you get your lazy asses off of the couch and your noses out of your phones and do something your damn self! Wow, there's a concept! Don't like what's going on in the world. Do something about it. Don't think there is enough change, then be the change you want to see.
So today, my friends, let us not be so fast to judge others. Some people are here just to entertain you with their songs or their movies. They are not your politicians. That's something you actually have to get up to do. So stop being armchair judges and do something yourself for change. Stop celebrity Block Outs. “Be the change you want to see”

I 27(F) am married to my husband 30(M) , and e are expecting our first child together ( I’m due for delivery in 6 weeks ) . To add some context before I get to the part of the story with my hubby , I had a relationship many years ago with another man who had a porn addiction . I’m not talking about it once a day I’m talking about hours and hours a day he would spend watching porn . I caught him the one night ( as he always stayed up later than me - until like 3am before coming to bed ) . During his late hours at night he had been watching porn ( and some really weird shit too ) . It inevitably caused so many trust issues with us that I became obsessed with checking his phone . I even had his Google accounts logged into on my phone so I could check his history ( without him knowing - this drove me insane ) . Fast forward years forward to now where I am married and with somebody else , I have on countless occasions had this conversation with my husband and have gone into great detail about how my past ex had really affected my ability to trust men .
So let’s get to the rest of the story , this week we were at my mothers house sitting , husband had been gone all day working and when he came home he made a few “ jokey” comments about getting it on and I remember replying saying “ maybe later “ .
An hour later he went for a shower and I went to go check up on him and ask if I could dish his food up .. I opened the door and bam ( there he was helping himself and eyes closed … didn’t even notice me there . I watched in horror for atleast 10 seconds before I made a noise ) . Obviously I freaked out …. We ended up talking later the night and he said he did it to relieve himself and maybe it would help him last for longer when we did it later …. Mmmkaay
Then literally this morning I just had an incling to check husbands phone, I went onto one of his social media pages and checked his recent watch activity . Just to find countless videos of other girls doing sexual activities …. Like 7 videos was of the same girl with her breasts doing certain things to other body parts ( I’m really trying not to give to many descriptive words here ) then below those 7 videos is another 10 watched videos of a girl in cosplay outfits ( which I have seen her content before on accident so I knew exactly what it was that he was watching ) .
I stormed into our bedroom and told him to wake and threw his phone at him . I had on countless occasions asked him not to watch porn or videos and if he does he should do it when he is in his own private space ( not my parents house ) and when I’m not at home just out of respect . To make matters worse my husband and I have a very active sex life ( every 2 days basically ) and yet it still seems not enough to satisfy him .
I’m honestly just so hurt and disgusted , so am I the asshole for considering to divorce my husband ?
I know to some this might seem silly but I just feel so unheard , disrespected, gaslighted . He merely apologised and then continued to try and deny or explain his actions and I’m just so tired of it .
I’m also pregnant and very sensitive at the moment so I don’t know if. I’m being ridiculous or not .
Just some extra notes : My husband and I normally have a very good relationship and haven’t really had any other issues except this one thing .
He always spoils me, treats me like a queen and has such a soft heart . We have been together for3 years now ( married for 2 ) .
Please can I just get some advice

Hi, I've been wanting to start this medication for a while but I have a severe needle phobia.
I watched a few YouTube videos online about injecting Wegovy and it seemed people had a sort of clicky pen, single use, and the needle kind of pushes down so you don't actually see it. I was sold!
Then looking at UK suppliers they don't seem to be like this at all, it's one pen per month with disposable needles which is a bit out of my comfort zone.
Can anybody confirm if they found Wegovy in the UK with the disposable weekly pen?

Hello,
Little background: Typical gifted kid -> sailed through middle and high school -> University was hard with courses like mathematical statistics and such -> Started learning more productive work processes and how to learn more effectively -> about to finish Master's with a golden job offer in quant finance.
I feel i have a hard time separating work and free time in my mind. I either always have work and productivity stuff in the back of my mind or i don't. If i don't have it in the back of my mind, i just do whatever i want which is fun up to a point. If i do have it in the back of my mind, i usually burn out after a certain point. An example of this was in the last semester of my Bachelor's:
I remember seeing some Dr. K videos about Vata personality (have more tings going on, switch between projects that last 6-12 months) and if feeling overwhelmed/burned out one should do more voluntarily, so i kind went hard: On top of two courses and Bachelor's project, i payed for two extra courses that were Master's level Machine Learning courses (not the basic ones), with a student job in data science, and a couple of mid-level coding projects on the side. I was almost always working, and even when i wasn't, i could not let go of work in my mind. When the whole ordeal was over, i was completely burned out, and when friends asked what i did over the summer, i remember telling them that i just slept for like three months.
I discovered that part of the reason i was so burned out, was because of coffee consumption, that ruined my sleep and made me feel horrible because of lack of sleep. I stopped drinking coffee, and now i find it hard to do stuff. I can work study and do achieve reasonable results, but not the same as before. Also, it is like after some initial motivation, i have to make myself stressed to keep working. This stress just kind of stays there in the back of my mind generating restless thought, reminding me of work, and messes up my sleep. I can meditate to release the stress but this takes like atleast an hour and only brings me back to baseline, and this is only right now. Can't imagine if i have a very stressful 9-6 quant job.
What annoys me is the inability to relax and just be present when i am done working. I have friends, who after a hard day of being productive in whatever, are just able to let it go and do whatever. Go to social events, do a fun activity, get their hunting license, or even just veg out watching Netflix without a care in the world. I just have this ball of stress, which can only be released if i meditate for an hour, but if i am productive for 8-10 hours, and go out to a park and meditate which can take 1.5 hours, then i am exhausted and don't have alot of time to do anything, before the cycle starts again tomorrow. Kind of like there is a part of me that needs some kind of stimulation, and i do stuff like pomodoro to appease this part of myself while working, but i still need more when i am done and i can't get enough. This consistently leads to burnout.
Part of it is probably that i don't acknowledge the things i do, there is always just the next thing. I don't know, what do you guys think?

In the early 90s cable television had expanded to where we actually had singularly focussed channels for the first time. MTV was the trailblazer and its success led Viacom to try the same idea with Comedy. They would show a single 3-5 min scene from a comedy movie. It would start and end with a four line block of white text in the lower left stating the movie, actors, and production company just like how MTV did it with their videos.
Anyway, I watched Major League for the first time in 25 years and I'm wracking my brain to understand why these scenes are so incredibly familiar. Like, I'm remembering exact lines and costumes so well, it's like watching Star Wars or something I've seen hundreds of times over the years. Major League is not a great movie and it has some rough parts that aren't very PC.
I eventually remembered how the comedy channel did this "comedy video" thing and that's why I remember the scenes so well. I was 8 years old at the time. Most of the jokes flew over my head by a mile. It was such an odd choice because you'd watch just long enough to get invested in there story, then it just ends and moves on to another snippet. It makes sense why they thought it would work, but it was weird. Eventually they had purchased enough shows and movies to play reruns and the "comedy videos" went away.

When I go to edit a comment, the comment appears in the editor window without line breaks/paragraph separation, and I have to re-add those breaks every time I edit a comment, otherwise the breaks are gone from the edited comment.
THREE TIMES I have reported this problem in the past month and all those three times I got no response. Are you telling me you care little about the mobile browser site? Because that's all I'm getting when I put your silence through Google Translate. If you actually cared about your userbase this issue would have been addressed ages ago!
All I want the admins to answer is: "Do you know about the issue I described above and are you working to resolve it?"

I’ve recently started a new YouTube channel about three months ago , it’s a documentary channel with 3D visualization such as lemmino or neo , I’ve posted three videos so far but it seems as if I’m getting very little impressions (20-30) even though my analytics are very good so far (30%ctr and above 60% in retention rates ) so what would make sense as far as what I know about YouTube is that the algorithm should push my videos to a bigger audience ? Or is there something I’m missing?

24F. Diagnosed with Bipolar II, ADHD, and CPTSD. I'm not even sure I can properly explain this because during depressive episodes (right now and for the past 4 months, in fact, though it's gotten marginally better in recent days) I lose a lot of my ability to write coherently, concisely, and accurately about what I'm feeling. The disconnect between emotion and thought has actually gotten so bad I genuinely cannot even journal anymore. (Coming back after finishing to add: this post alone ended up taking me nearly half the day to complete because I kept having to break and come back to it when my brain wouldn't work, and I often thought about giving up entirely lol.) But that's besides the point.
I had a sort of "eureka" moment during a non-depressive state at one point. That being, "This illness is cyclical. It will come back just as surely as it will eventually go away. Next time it comes, don't fight it."
It came back. I haven't been fighting it. I went from feeling immense, active suffering from constant self-hatred and learned helplessness to feeling dissociated and completely disconnected from my own thoughts, both positive and negative. Most moments are spent feeling nothing but irritability and in the moments where I feel something else, I am thoroughly distracted. My days are filled with distraction. The second I have time alone with my brain, I have crying spells that end in pathetic defeat and it's back to dissociation. "I get it. I get it. I wasn't meant to exist. But I am psychologically incapable of ending my life. I'm already here and I can't do anything about it. I have literally no choice but to continue to try."
Good for me for having that barrier to making rash decisions. But now I feel imprisoned by a life I did not choose. A prison of my own making that I am unwilling to break out of because I am just so. tired. I am aware of how much hard work and commitment it takes to live a fulfilling life with these disabilities. I am keenly aware that it is anything but an easy task and in this state it just does not feel worth it. But it is not an act of bravery that I'm still here in the face of suffering. I'm here because I have no choice.
It always comes back to this, and has since one of my first severe depressive episodes at the age of 14: I am too sensitive, too weak, to exist. So much so that I don't think I was supposed to be here in the first place. I do not, and have never cared about doing something "important" with my life. I have never cared about creating a legacy. I have never cared about being remembered. I have never cared about meaning or purpose in the traditional sense; in this state of mind, my purpose is to just exist, let life happen to me, observe carefully, learn, mimic. And in this state, I've realized I use this information as evidence. Confirmation.
At the end of the day, it seems the answer to this hypothetical is always the same. If there was a console with two buttons: one to continue living as is, and one to make it so I never existed at all, I would always choose the latter. Always. Even when things are good, even with all the luck I've had. The unfairness of life coupled with my weak constitution is inherently incompatible. Negative experiences will always feel more powerful, more real, than anything else.
Which brings me to my hypomanic episodes. They tend to involve extreme productivity, usually starting some large project that I spend every waking moment working on, of which there are many considering how poorly I sleep. I have energy and inspiration that simply cannot be funneled into enough things. I am able to "maintain" (these episodes last anywhere from 4 days to about a month) a superhuman-like "schedule" and "routine" that I would otherwise be incapable of adhering to, and would likely outright despise in ordinary circumstances.
But most notably, most of the time, I have a euphoric feeling about the human condition. I obsess over human suffering and our capacity to withstand it. I convince myself that if something catastrophic were to happen at that very moment, I would be resilient and strong in the face of it. That I could be, and would be, like those who can overcome any adversity at all.
But nothing I've ever been through has suggested that is true. Nearly any negative experience can knock me out of any positive or neutral mood and into a kind of dissociative, vegetative depression. My previous baseline state, where I was able to maintain a realistic and beneficial routine and sleep schedule for nearly 2 months, was instantly derailed, pathetically, by the moment I ended up crocheting too much and injured my left hand for a few days.
This one happenstance triggered a depressive state that I've now been in since March. And I tried to prevent it, really I did. I had enough experience practicing good habits by that point that I tried everything in my repertoire to keep it from spiraling. But it did. And now I'm here. I know better than to think I'm resilient. My window of tolerance is embarrassingly low, and I'm sorry that I don't have the will to strengthen it. Mentally, I am still a scared child hiding in the corner of a dark room from any and all real or imagined danger. And until my brain decides otherwise, (because of course mood changes are the nature of this illness), that's how it will stay.
Part of me believes that even my hypomanic self knows this. I don't know entirely how she operates, if I'm honest. So I've decided to conduct an "experiment."
I know she can't fathom how I think the way I do, and similarly I can't fathom how she thinks either. One is always blind to the other. I need to know whether or not, in my heart of hearts, I still say I would undo my existence. Even when everything inside of me is bursting with energy and life and vibrancy. Because instinct says I've always been this way in any state of mind, but I've never proved it.
So I recorded a short video explaining myself to my future hypomanic and even to my baseline self. Maybe I can find some middle ground between us. Because I have to do something. I have no choice but to do something.