First / Previous / Royal Road / Patreon (Read 12 Chapters Ahead)

Together, Pale and Kayla dragged the mage back to the cave they'd been using for shelter, barely managing to get him inside before the snowfall began again. Pale tied his hands behind his back and his legs together using some paracord she had in her pack, and the two of them stood over the man, staring down at him.
"What now?" Kayla asked. "Do we wait for him to-"
Pale cut her off by bringing the stock of her shotgun across the berserker's face. He reeled from the strike, suddenly catapulting awake, his eyes wide as several of his teeth came spilling out across the stone cave floor. He coughed, spitting out a glob of blood before fixing her with a harsh glare. Smoke began to rise from his palms, but Pale stopped him by putting the barrel of her gun flush with his crotch.
"Unless you want to lose something, I'd suggest keeping your magic under control," she threatened. "Because if I pull this trigger, there isn't a healer alive who'll be able to give back what you'll lose."
The man snarled at her, but the smoke curling up from his hands stopped all the same. He spat out more blood. "The fuck am I still alive for?"
"I think you know exactly what you're alive for. Now, are you going to play nice and tell us what we want to know, or am I going to have to force it out of you piece by piece?"
The mage grinned at her, showing off a mouth full of missing teeth and liquid crimson. "You really think I'd betray my brothers like that?"
"Last I checked, your brothers are all dead," Pale said absentmindedly. "But still, I was hoping you'd pick the hard way; I needed to relieve some stress."
She let her shotgun hang from its sling, then drew her knife. With her free hand, she grabbed one of his fingers, then positioned the blade at the tip.
"Last chance to offer up what you know," she threatened.
The mage barked out a laugh. "Fuck off. You really think I'd ever-"
His bravado suddenly gave way to an agonized scream as Pale forced the blade of her knife underneath his fingernail. He thrashed in agony as she twisted the knife before roughly yanking it free, taking the fingernail with it. She held the disembodied nail up to him, then flicked it away.
"Have I made my point?" she said evenly. "Because last I checked, you've still got nine fingers and ten toes, not to mention a variety of other things I could poke at and prod at and cut off. And when you run out of those, I can just start skinning you bit by bit."
"Fuck you…" he breathed through gritted teeth. "I'll never-"
She took another fingernail for his troubles. Idly, Pale was aware of Kayla flinching with every scream that erupted out of the man's throat, but that didn't bother her.
Kayla had specified no death, but that didn't mean she couldn't make this hurt like hell.
She again positioned the knife at one of his fingertips, only for him to give a weak, shuddering, pain-filled cough.
"W-wait…" he croaked.
"I see your tongue has been thoroughly loosened," she surmised, though she didn't dare to move the blade even a millimeter away from his next finger.
"What do you have for me?"
"I can give you our leader's name."
"And?"
"What do you mean, and? He doesn't tell us anything, he just pays us and feeds us, like any good leader should."
Pale's expression narrowed. "You had better give me something more substantial to go on, otherwise I have no reason to keep you around."
"Pale-" Kayla began, only to fall silent when she held up a hand. Reluctantly, Kayla backed down, though she continued to look on with concern as Pale's grip around her blade turned white-knuckled.
"Tell me something useful," Pale demanded. "Unless you want to see exactly how much pain I can commit to before I get bored."
"Okay, okay!" the bandit growled. "Fine… our leader's name is Sven Greymane, the warrior-king of the northern isles. He's the one who ordered us to attack certain towns on this continent."
"Is that why you sacked some and completely bypassed others?"
He nodded. "Yes. That was all part of the plan – he'd give us locations to attack, pay us in gold and food to attack them, and then let us keep whatever valuables we wanted afterwards."
"And did he tell you why he only wanted specific locations attacked, while others were to be spared?"
The mage shook his head. "No, and we knew better than to ask questions given how good of a deal it was."
Kayla suddenly stepped forwards. "One of those towns was my village," she growled. "Your friends captured several people, including my father, and took them back to the northern isles."
The mage leaned in, squinting to get a better look at her, before finally shrugging. "I don't know anything about that."
"Liar," Pale hissed.
"It's the truth. I wasn't involved with the attack on any Beastkin town."
"Of course, you'd say that," Kayla said through gritted teeth. "You're worried about what will happen to you if you admit to us here and now that you had something to do with it."
"Don't know what else to tell you. I had nothing to do with the attack on you and yours, and I didn't take any Beastkin slaves."
"Enough of this," Pale snapped. "How long do we have to find her father?"
The bandit cracked a wide grin at her. "You're probably already too late. If the girl's father is anything like her, then he's already been deemed to be useless as a slave – too mouthy for his own good, and mouthy slaves don't last very long among my people."
A vein pulsed in Kayla's forehead as she clenched and unclenched her fists. "Answer the question," she demanded. "Assuming he isn't murdered before we can get there, how long do slaves typically last while with your people?"
"Depends on the slave. Men tend to last longer, provided they're young enough and in good health. Of course, he was taken in the first place, so I assume that someone saw some value in him, at least enough to want him for themselves. Now, that only accounts for a berserker warrior having a bad day and killing someone as a result. If he's unlucky, he'll succumb to the elements before long." The mage shrugged. "It wouldn't make any sense for us to spend all that time capturing and enslaving someone only to let them die so soon, unless they just so happened to be a massive pain in the ass."
"So you claim," Pale said dismissively. "What else do you have for us?"
"I've told you enough," the man grunted. "Now hurry up and let me go."
"And why would I do that?" Pale demanded. "So you can go back to robbing and killing the innocent? Is your life really worth the lives of the people you'd kill if we let you go?"
"It is to her." He motioned towards Kayla, who was staring at him and trembling as she bit her lip, deep in thought.
Pale's eyes narrowed. "Kayla."
Kayla jumped slightly at the sound of her name being called. She hesitated for a moment before letting out a sigh. "...You should let him go."
"You know I can't do that, Kayla. If we let him go, he'll just go right back to doing what brought him here. Either we end this here and now and prevent him from taking more innocent lives, or he goes on for however long it takes for someone else to put him down."
"I know!" Kayla spat. "It's just… I don't know what to do… I don't want to be responsible for someone's death like this…"
"I understand that, but this is war," Pale insisted. "Death is an unavoidable part of that."
"What do you mean, war?" Kayla asked, horrified at the prospects of what Pale had just suggested. "You… you really are a soldier, aren't you? That's why you're doing this – it's a chance to do what you were made to do…"
"War is in my nature," Pale insisted. "It is why I was created. You are correct that this is a chance to fulfill my prime directive, but not in the way that you think." She turned her gaze back towards the bandit. "I need to get off this planet and back into the war I left behind before it's too late to save my creators. If killing this man will get me there faster, then I will not hesitate to do that."
"But… you can't know that killing him will help with that," Kayla pointed out. "He's just one man…"
"Every second spent debating his existence is one not spent working towards my ultimate goal. I ask for your input on what to do with him because I value your opinion as my ally, and do not wish to alienate you by leaving you out of major decisions such as that, but that does not mean I will not try to make you see reason when I think you are about to make a terrible decision." Pale sheathed her knife and hefted her shotgun. "You are concerned with the loss of innocent life, yes? Well, letting me kill this man will save an untold number of them. Is his life really worth all of theirs?"
"You can't think of it that way! He's still a person, too!"
"He is," Pale agreed. "But as far as I am concerned, his right to life is now forfeit, as he used it to torture and murder other people."
The bandit suddenly burst out laughing. "Listen to you two! You're honestly debating whether or not to take a life. How quaint, not to mention innocent. Consider me entertained."
Pale bashed him with the stock of her gun once more, knocking a few more of his teeth out in the process. As he coughed on blood and bone shards, she turned back to Kayla.
"See reason in this," she implored. "Letting him live means-"
"I know!" Kayla interrupted. Her wolf ears flattened against her skull, and in a quieter voice, she repeated, "...I know."
Her tail lashed behind her, and finally, she shook her head. "...I was willing to fight for you," she said softly. "I tried to convince you that you weren't just a killing machine – that you had a sjel, and that it was worth something. And maybe I was right. But even if I was… even if you're not just a killing machine… you seem dead-set on trying to be one. And if that's what you want, then who am I to stop you? Do what you want with him, Pale; after all, it's what you were programmed to do."
Kayla turned and marched out of the cave. Pale watched her go, waiting until she was completely gone before acting.
A single gunshot split the night.

Special thanks to my good friend and co-writer, Ickbard for the help with writing this story.

I just got the urge out of no where to revisit this show, I watched a bit when the show was live. I'm a couple episodes into the first season, but....... It's rough going. My main feeling right now is that it reminds me a lot of Babylon 5. Babylon 5 is one of my favorite sci fi shows of all time but the first season is really bad lol. So much so that I skip it on my rewatches. I have so many friends that say they started Babylon 5 and didn't like it, and I tell them "Honestly, a part from 1 or 2 episodes. Just skip season 1 all together." It's mostly just a "Space Station problem of the week" structure in season 1 and it really feels like B grade sci fit. The show gets EXPLONENTIALLY better with a near perfect seasons 2-4.
Do people ever feel that way about Fringe Season 1? Like it's just the "Problem of the week" season meant to cement itself in cable and the series really gets going with a strong macro level narrative after season 1?
I think when it was live I got to the end of Season 2? I remember the alternate universe being established and I believe I stopped watching when FO-livia was introduced and switched places. I'm trying to remember why I stopped watching. I made a point of taping the show while it was on, so I did like it a lot. It might have hurt it that Lost absolutely shattered my faith in mysterious, carrot dangling 'oh maybe you'll get answers to this mystery next episode' style of show. Though I know now it was executive meddling and the creators made one of the best shows of all time in The Leftovers.
Things I liked a lot:
The acting is amazing. The 4 Main Characters (Walter, Peter, Olivia, Phillip). Honestly, in this first season it feels like the actors are propping up some sub-par writing. Reminds me a bit of when I rewatched Lie to Me and didn't realize the writing was so terrible because the actors were so amazing that they completely carried the script.
Those late 2000's early 2010's vibes. Man I miss when we thought the advancements in the 90s/2000s would continue on forever and the future would be stranger than we could possible imagine. The show really captures the zeitgeist of how we all thought the trend of technology would keep going to unimaginable places.
I know the macro level narrative is there. I remember it from 15 years ago. I'm fully expecting to enjoy it once I pick up where I left off.
Things I dislike:
The obvious monster of the week format with just small nuggets of moving the plot forward.
Like I said before, the writing feels really "meh". The actors totally carry some bad dialogue with their skill though. I'm hoping this is just early show issues. I know a lot of good shows have bad writing at the start.
Man JJ Abrams feels like a guy that knows absolutely nothing about science, but really really wishes he did. We've got some serious "Spout some scientific nonsense that an average person will tune out but accept as an explanation, but really makes absolutely zero sense". I'm hoping his influence in the show drops off as it gets better as he offloads responsibility to others while he focuses on other things.
So right now I'm fully expecting the show to turn a corner about half way through Season 2? Am I right on that assumption? Does the "Bad guy of the week, X-Files" type structure drop off and stay off around then? I know from peoples comments it does eventually. I'm also hoping the show kicks it up a notch in writing quality, because right now it's not great.
I know I probably stopped watching in 2010 right before it hit it's best season in Season 3. I also know people seem very satisfied with how the show ended and tied things together. So I've got faith that good times are coming, both from what people say and the things I remember from '09. I guess I'm just hoping for a bit of a road map I can place a pin in to get me through the next 20 hours or so; and that I'm right in my expectation of a significant uptick in quality around mid-season 2.
Anyways, thanks for letting me freeform my thoughts down on paper for you all.

I was browsing games on Metacritic when I saw all the negative reviews on Genshin. What's wrong? Sure, the story line isn't "blow your mind", with your dialog choices serving only as flavor, but the rest of the game seems pretty fun to me. Bashing buttons and rotating characters, watching the beautiful animation with voiced lines, and occasionally throwing gems at wishes. Plus, Genshin has very little competition since I think the only other super big RPG with a solo story line that's free to play is Runescape, and that one's really really oldschool feeling. (I haven't tried Path of Exile yet - not sure about that one) I've played a ton of games rated 4.5/5 or higher on Kongregate, with the indie developers and the Itch.io creators. And you simply can't compare to the Genshin's massive team and insane amount of content. You could argue something like Doki Doki has better writing, but even then some people complain it relies on a gimmick that non-horror fans would hate. What do you guys think about Metacritic hating on Genshin? Is it undeserved?

Intro: For your distinguished service to the crown, you’ve been assigned the difficult and dangerous job of slaying a dragon purported to have slaughtered a village on the outskirts of the kingdom. It’s a job you should be able to handle, and you’re not too scared… now, if only the whole thing felt less wrong…
Summary: Listener meets a new acquaintance who befriends him, and offers to guide him where he needs to go. They face a danger together, and he learns that she is not what she seems.
Go ahead and monetize, it's fine. Word count is about 3800.
If you fill this or plan to fill this, please notify me. Please don't make edits without asking first.
TWs: Running deception, combat, discussion of mass murder (dragon burning places to the ground), possessiveness, forced sleep
Line breaks represent the listener talking or space where no one talks and should be short pauses, words within {brackets} represent the speaker’s tone or sfx. At ellipses, the speaker trails off, and at dashes, she is either cut off abruptly by the listener or by herself.
Author’s Note: God, this took way too long to write. A couple months, if you count when I had the idea and when I wrote the first few sentences. Well, it’s here now, and I hope it’s not too disappointing. Prequel series go!
If you want to read this somewhere other than Reddit, it's also here.
M4F Version here.
​
​
{internal monologue} {disgusted} Ugh, those damn livestock merchants charge more every time. Gouging bastards, {rationalization} but I do need them to stay silent. If the town finds out how much food I have to purchase every month, it’ll only end badly. Besides, it’s not like even this much bribery makes a dent in my hoard. I should really just be glad I haven’t met any merchants with integrity, that wouldn’t end well. Good thing it’s a vanishingly rare trait these days… {annoyance} wait, no, that’s not a good thing, what am I saying? It’s sad… but it does make my life easier. Well, that’s a hell of a conundrum. {sigh} {bored} Not one I haven’t dealt with before, though. Have this conversation with myself every time. Oh, well. What matters is the food’ll be delivered soon, I don’t have to go into hibernation, and the merchants won’t talk. Anything else I wanted to do before heading home? Hmm… I think I wanted to stop at the spice merchant, see how much- {interest} HELlo. Who is that?
{curiosity} What would a knight be doing here? I mean, I suppose the goblin raids have been getting more brazen, but the town guards seem to have it handled, I haven’t even needed to get involved yet. I guess he could be here about that, but it doesn’t feel right. Maybe he’s just passing through? Well, best way to find out is to go talk to-
{quiet} Oh, damn. That’s- oh, damn. Fuck, he’s hot. {forced calm} Okay, composure. You are an all-powerful dragon. You will not be thrown off your game by one mortal, no matter how shiny his armor is. And it’s only his armor you’ll be looking at, right? Right. Ignore that beautiful face, you just need to find out what he’s doing here, not-
{suspicious} Wait. Who’s he talking to? {upset} The spice merchant? And she’s BLUSHING? Uh-uh. No. Not gonna fly.
{out loud} {sickly sweet} Hiiiii, hello! It’s me again, I’m here to pick up some- Oh? Who’s this? A new friend?
Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were having a conversation. Please, continue. I can wait.
{cough}
Oh, no, don’t mind me, just looking at… cumin. My, this smells awfully strong.
So sorry to barge in again, uh, I would like to buy these.
Are you leaving? Well, it was lovely to meet you.
{internal monologue} Okay, let me just finish up here, and I can go talk to him.
{pleased} Hah! Look frustrated, spice skank. Serves you right. {confused} Wait, do I know your name? Have I ever asked your name? Eh, doesn’t matter right now, I don’t need to know everyone in the village. {disgust} Especially not someone who flirts with- {confusion} Wait, what am I doing? I don’t have any claim over some random knight, why am I acting like this?
{frustrated noise} Figure out internal dilemma later, find human now. Where’d he go?
Agh! Curse this mortal form’s short legs, I can’t see- wait! Shiny!
{out loud} Hey! Hey! Wait up!
{out of breath} Whew… Thought I was gonna… gonna lose you… for a minute.
Thanks. Only need… a few seconds…
{composed} Hi. I’m Tiamat*.* Sorry to chase after you like that, but I realized I didn’t catch your name?
Oh, that’s a lovely name. It suits you.
{pleased} Oh, flatterer. {internal monologue} He’s smooth, isn’t he? I was expecting all muscle, no brain. I understand why the spice merchant was blushing now, I guess. {out loud} I just wanted to ask you… uh, I wanted to ask you what you were doing at the spice merchant’s? Usually passers-through don’t stop there when they can get their salt cheaper elsewhere.
Oh, that’s interesting! I didn’t know you could find that here.
Oh, no, I don’t spend very much time there. I mostly go in, buy what I need for my next few weeks of meals, and leave. Other places to be. More important places.
{laugh} Well. You certainly know the way to a woman’s heart. {internal monologue} A knight with both manners and a sense of humor… who’d have thought?
{out loud} Wonderful. So, what brings you to Wylgrith? It’s not a large settlement by any means, and well out of the way of… everything, really. What reason would a mighty royal knight have for stopping by? Were you sent to handle the goblins that-
{stunned} …Say what now?
The dragon? You were sent to kill the DRAGON?
Can you… not?
{off-balance} I mean- uh- Well, I don’t see why you would, do I? After all, the dragon hasn’t been seen or heard from in years, right? And even before that she didn’t harm any humans for decades. She-
I- uhhh… I guess I’m guessing she’s a ‘she?’ I did see her once, flying overhead, though, and she looked like a girl dragon. Kind of slender.
I… suppose ‘it’ works as well, yeah. {quiet, sad} A little hurtful, though…
{back on track} Nothing, nothing. So, why are you killing the dragon, again? I don’t think… it… has even harmed a human in living memory.
{sputtering} What? No it didn’t!
I- I think I would know if it burned down a village. I mean, this place is still standing, right?
A different- Well, I’m sure she wouldn’t have done anything like-
{quickly} No, no, I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve met the thing, right? But it hasn’t burned down this village, so why would-
{tentative} Oh. They said that?
Right to the king?
Right in the middle of court, where everyone could hear it?
{sad} I guess that settles that, then. The dragon needs to die.
{internal monologue} Damn. What a waste of such a handsome knight. There’s no chance he could possibly beat me on his own, so he’s going to end up- wait, on his own?
{out loud} {confused} And the king sent you? Alone, I mean? No army, or squad of knights, or cadre of mages? Why would he do that?
{awed} Oh. Oh, that is a very magic sword.
Well, no, I haven’t. But- but you can just tell, can’t you? It’s glowing! And it’s covered in some kind of weird letters, those have to be magical, right?
{internal monologue} {hesitant} Okay. That’s somewhat worrying. Even with all the useless sigils and that pointless glow siphoning its energy, I can feel the power rippling off that thing. Where did he ever find- No, that doesn’t matter. Could it level the playing field? Give him a chance? Hard to tell, I think, my senses in this form aren’t as-
{out loud} I’m sorry, what? I was distracted. Uh- it’s a very pretty sword.
{taken aback} That’s- that’s a good name for it. Very dangerous-sounding.
{internal monologue}{stressed} ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FANGBANE? HE FOUND FANGBANE? HOW IN THE- {forced composure} no, I’m calm, I’m calm, it’s fine. It’s not worrying at all that he has the most dangerous dragon-slaying sword ever forged. Wow, this very quickly went from “I don’t want to fight him, I don’t want to kill him” to “I don’t want to fight him, I don’t want to die.” Okay, time to nip this in the bud.
{out loud} Wow, it’s done that much? I never would’ve guessed that, it looks much too fancy for that. So… you can actually kill the dragon?
{hesitant} You’re right, I suppose. If it burned a village, it does deserve that. Well… *{resolve}*Do you know how to find its lair?
No, it’s not. If it was, everyone would be constantly in there robbing the hoard, wouldn’t we? Everyone knows that the lair is somewhere on the mountain, but no one knows where.
{triumph} Yes. Except me. And I’ll guide you there.
{reasonable} We already agreed, right? If it burned down a village, killed that many people, it needs to be put down. I want to help with that, and besides, you need someone to take you there. You’ll never find it on your own, so you can’t be too choosy about who you bring, can you?
I like hiking, and the mountain isn’t dangerous if you’ve known what you were doing since you were a child. I found it once, but I ran immediately, because I didn’t want to risk angering the dragon. I think I can find it again, but it’ll be a long trip. Three days at minimum.
{internal monologue} {satisfied} Perfect. A few days wandering in the forest should discourage him, maybe I can even convince him I didn’t burn any village. {confused} Why would he have been told… {moving on} Doesn’t matter right now. What matters is getting him off my trail, and maybe getting to know him in the meantime… {upset} No! Stop that! Bad Tiamat! He’s literally trying to kill you. He is not a prospective mate, he isn’t even another dragon!
{sigh} {wistful} He is handsome, though, especially when the light catches his armor like that… No! Stop!
{out loud} {serious} We should set out soon, then. Do you have enough provisions for the trip?
Good, good. No time to waste, come on.
You’re hunting a dragon. A dragon. Don’t you think it might be wise to move before she- it catches wind of your presence?
Let’s go, then.
{some indicator of a time skip}
{amused} What, don’t tell me you’re getting tired? We’ve only been hiking for a couple hours today, aren’t you supposed to be a big, strong knight?
You could take off the armor, if it’s that hot.
{concession} All right, your decision. And I suppose wearing the armor was helpful when the tangler tree tried to grab you. Fine, we’ll stop for a bit.
How much is left in your waterskin?
Good, good. Mine’s pretty full, I haven’t felt thirsty in a while.
No, we’re definitely going in the right direction. {grasping at straws} I recognize… uh, that rock! Yeah. See how it kinda looks like a bear, if you tilt your head?
Really? Well, I see it. Anyway, I remember seeing that before. We’re about a day’s walk away from the lair, I’m almost certain.
You know, you never asked why I decided to hike in a random direction for three days. {internal monologue} {pleased} I have such a good story for it, too. It’ll leave you crying, and then maybe I can-
{out loud} {taken aback} You do?
What? You’re a royal knight, one of the most honored positions in the land. Why would you feel the need to escape?
{internal monologue} What? What was that? There for a second and then gone, was that… a crack in the charming exterior?
{out loud} No, no, I understand the feeling. I just… didn’t expect it from this quarter. Is something wrong at court? Are you-
{inner monologue} {protective} Oh… Oh his eyes… So sad… What did they do to you, my knight?
{out loud} Please, anything you can-
{confused} What? What’s wrong?
No, I’m not going to shush, we’re talking, and-
{muffled} Mmph! MMMMPH!
{inner monologue} {angy} This presumptuous human dares lay his hand on ME? I don’t care what might be inside him, I’m going to make it outside- {considering} Wait. What’s that noise?
That doesn’t sound like- oh. Oh, those are goblins. And he wanted me to be quiet, and now they heard us, and- oops. Why did I not sense them coming? Goblins wouldn’t know stealth if it snuck up behind them and ripped their legs off, I should’ve heard them from miles away. This doesn’t make any sense… Oh, well. I suppose it doesn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things. Just a few more goblins to kill. If he’d just let go of me… wait, but I don’t want to reveal myself. That makes this much more difficult. Can I kill all these green idiots in my human form? {concerned} Oh, wow, that’s… a worrying amount. Where are they all coming from? All right, I think I can take- wait, what? Human? What are you doing?
{out loud} Why are you getting in front of me? That is far too many goblins for any human to handle, we need to run!
{internal monologue} {flustered} Wha? What does he mean by that? And why does he have to be this handsome as he says it? That’s unfair!
{out loud} No- you can’t-
{internal monologue} {upset} Oh, the stupid, brave, self-sacrificial idiot! He’s gonna get himself killed if I don’t help him- wait, what?
{taken aback} He’s- oh, wow, that’s quite impressive. That’s- wow. I’ve never seen a human fight like that.
{confused} Huh? Why’s he looking back… Is he angry? What?
He’s yelling something… He wants me to run? Wha- {realization} OHHHHH- He thinks I’m in danger, and he’s trying to protect me! He wants to- {touched} aw. That’s the sweetest thing… My heart- {serious} I need to keep this knight alive.
{realization} Oh! I have to pretend to be running, yes. I can’t help him here, much as I want to. Besides, it looks like he has it handled. Those goblins aren’t laying a claw on him, somehow. Guess it was a good decision to wear the armor.
{planning} I’ll come back for him later, and he can be happy that he kept me safe, and maybe I can use that to find out what’s wrong with him, oh, looks like he’s just about finished with those- {shock} wut.
What is that.
That’s a- that’s a freaking hellhound! What in the Low Realms is a hellhound doing here?
{protective} Okay, no, unacceptable. I am not risking my treasure- {concerned} the human. The human! Why did I just think of him as- never mind, time for that later.
{whoosh sfx}
{roar}
{desperate} Oh no, please don’t let me be too late…
{out loud} {furious} Stay away from my human!
{crunch sfx}
{triumph} Hah. That’ll teach you.
Did you get the last of the goblins, sir kni- {wary} What are you doing.
Put that sword down, please, I’m not your enemy.
Okay, no, no, calm down, there’s no need to get worked up.
This isn’t helping anything, can we just talk?
{upset} OW! All right, this has gone far enough
{magically resonant} Sleep.
{sigh} {fading out} What am I going to do with you?
{some indicator of a time skip}
{cordial} Good morning, sir knight. As promised, I brought you to my lair.
Oh, yes, you must be confused.
{whoosh sfx}
There, is that better?
{resigned} Yes. It was me the whole time.
No, it wasn’t. If it had been a game, you would be dead right now. Instead you’re alive, unharmed, even unrestrained, in the middle of my hoard.
Or didn’t you notice?
{amused} Yes, I thought that might get your attention. Being surrounded by enough gold to fill a palace ten times over generally does the trick where humans are involved, or so I am informed.
{annoyed} Fangbane? The sword that slew more of my kind in two years than any other managed in thousands? You want it back?
Tch, no, but I would’ve if I could. That butcher’s blade should’ve been melted down long ago. Alas, it was impervious even to my fire.
I thought that was clear: no, you can’t have it back. You can have another sword, even a magic one, but not that atrocity forged in steel.
{considering} That would seem to be the question of the hour, yes. “What are you doing here.” Well… why don’t you tell me? You were sent to kill me, that much is clear. But much more isn’t. I would like… an explanation.
{annoyed} Oh, come on. You’ve been interacting with me for days now. Do I really seem like the type of person who burns down villages at random? That excuse is worthless… and… {suspicious} I think we both know it. You were sent here for some other reason. What was it? Tell me, before I grow cross.
Oh, I believe they didn’t tell you. But, though I think you like to pretend otherwise, dumb is one thing you are not. You know more than you’re saying, so answer me. Please. Why does the king want me dead?
{stunned} That’s- that’s it? Of all the petty, arrogant, stupid- I’m not even going to bother trying with that. {snort} And humans use dragons as symbols of greed.
{explaining something obvious} Yes. Because I like gold, its color, its luster. And because I enjoy living comfortably. {disgust} Not just… to have more than others.
Even if you don’t want to concede the difference, surely it does not escape you that I earned all of this, not just killed its old owner and stole it.
{offended} Of course I did! The very idea of taking something unearned… ugh.
{considering} You really know so little of my kind…
All of this, though… brings us back to you. You were sent here, presumably because you’re the kingdom’s best knight, the one with the highest chance of victory. You weren’t given any backup because there’s only one Fangbane. And you were fed a lie about me slaughtering innocents to make the job go down easier, but something in you knew that it was a lie. Tell me, am I hitting the mark with these?
So, my question becomes… why didn’t you? You had me at the point of your blade, and with a sword like that and skills like yours, you could’ve done it. If you wanted me dead, I would be, draconic magic and might notwithstanding. Instead, all I have is a scratch on my snout- {venomous} yes, that is the scar on my nose. Injuries do carry over, thank you so much for noticing.
{curious} And now you’re sorry. I don’t think I understand you at all, no matter how hard I try. Please, answer me. I want to.
Wha- {sigh} {exasperated} Well, if you were so certain it was a lie, why come here in the first place? If you felt you were given unjust orders, you could’ve just left the kingdom. Plenty of other places need knights, and there’s always work to be found as a sellsword. You risked much to gain… nothing, as best as I can see.
{dangerous} He… he what?
The king threatened to…
{cold} No. No, that is unacceptable.
No one threatens my human.
Yes, my human. I- {sigh} {warmer} I believe an explanation is in order. You see, I finally figured out what I’ve been feeling these past few days. At first, I thought it might be love, and, well, I suppose it is, of a kind: hoarding instinct. I feel hoarding instinct when I look at you. I saw you for the first time, and something in me just knew. You are the most precious treasure in this entire cavern, and I need to protect and keep you until the end of time, like the work of art you are.
{worried} Ohh, that’s not a good expression. Did I say something wrong? Come on too strong? I promise, living here won’t be bad at all, it’s quite a comfortable lair, whether I’m in human form or dragon. I maintain a good relationship with the villagers, too, so we can even go down to Wylgrith on day trips, as long as you don’t try to leave. You understand the importance of that, I trust.
{calming} No, no, don’t get all worked up. There’s no need to do something we’ll both regret.
Please, calm down. We’re both rational people, let’s discuss this as such.
{harder} Human, I don’t want to put you to sleep again. Don’t make me.
{pleased} Good, that’s much better. Now, what are your objections?
Mhm, mhm… {logical} Well, in point of fact, no, you don’t have a home anymore. If you go back without proof of my demise, the king will have you executed, will he not?
As I thought. So there’s nowhere else for you to be. As to your next point, of course I won’t keep you as a pet, you’re a sentient human. You have your own free will, thoughts, ideas, desires, the whole package. You would never be a pet. You will be my treasure. Very different thing, and it means I will want to keep you close, keep you safe, and stare at your radiance for as long as draconically possible.
{considering} Well, no, I haven’t heard of this. A living part of a dragon’s hoard? I believe it’s unprecedented, since nothing but gold lasts forever. Nevertheless, we’ll figure something out, we can make it work. And this doesn’t reflect strangely on me, you needn’t worry. I am one of the eldest dragons of this age, the young are used to my… peculiarities by now.
{pleased} Ah, yes, I wondered when we would get to that point. No, as a matter of fact, the king will not be sending other knights, or mages, or armies after me. I will not be killed like that, and you will not be reclaimed by them. And do you wish to know why?
{colder than ice} Because I am going to burn this kingdom to the ground.{amused} Naturally. I could overlook the attempt on my life - it brought me the most precious treasure I have ever known, after all, - I could forgive the use of Fangbane, since now I can make sure it never harms one of my kind again, I could even somewhat tolerate the blatant lies spread about me as flimsy justification. {angry} What I cannot accept, however, is what they have done to you. Threats on your life, on your body, on those you protect, promises of execution, forcing you to stain your soul against your will… no. No one is permitted to harm my human and live. This will, I admit, be something of a first for dragonkind, actually killing humans instead of protecting them is practically unheard of. I may even face repercussions from my kind for this. I find it hard to care, though, these ones are only getting what they deserve, for their actions or their complacence.
Now you’re getting upset again. {soothing} Don’t worry, this isn’t a sign of my outlook changing. I still have no desire to harm humans, and the village is perfectly safe.
We were communicating so well a second ago, if we could return to that, I would be grateful.
I promise you, this shouting and carrying on is nothing but counterproductive.
{tired} Sir knight, if you are not capable of being objective, I will be forced to- oh, forget it.
{magically resonant} Sleep.
{gentle} {slowly fading out} I truly am sorry to do this to you, but I can’t have you fighting me on this. I don’t want you to be upset at me, treasure, so, by the time you wake, the cause of this contention will be gone.
Shh, shh. It’s okay. It’s just a simple sleep spell, you’ll wake up comfortable and well-rested.
There. It will all be fixed before you awaken. Don’t worry, my treasure, nothing will ever harm you again.

Thanks to Patron Member u/Entharo_entho - Here is the wiped out Tweet retrieved
Context - Wiped out from Internet
In March, I got a chance to work with filmmaker Sanjay Leela Bhansali right after he made Gangubai Kathiawadi, and Alia Bhatt, playing the titular character in the film, retweeted me.
The headline (in my head) was going to be, ‘The Boy From Kamathipura Goes To Bhansali Mandi.’
Then reality struck in April.
One of my closest friends Sweta called me from the Shivapuri National Park near Kathmandu and put me on speaker. Two other friends Mona and Ayush were listening to the WhatsApp call.
‘How’s it going with Bhansu?’ Sweta asked.
‘We are not working together anymore,’ I said.
‘Whaaaaaaaat?’ the three people shrieked, creating a wavy disturbance in audio frequency.
‘Whyyyyy?’ they cried, collectively anguished.
‘He said he is not feeling the vibes.’
‘What?’
‘Vibes,’ I said aloud, causing a seismic tremor in the audio frequency.
‘What vibes?’ Sweta jibed, ‘Maybe he can’t feel the vibrator.’
Laughter upped the vibes.
First, a little context on how I got that far. Check this, this, this & this.
So my tweets were going viral in February-March.
In the second week of March, a woman DM’d me saying she loves the tweets. I said thank you. She said she works at Bhansali Productions.
Whoopsie Daisy!
I asked if I could be a part of the production. She checked with SLB and team. He said he wants to meet now.
NOW!
How?
I was in Calcutta.
I called an actor friend in Bombay and told him about it.
“They will book your tickets and put you up in 5-star,” he said, “Like Hollywood.”
“This is Bhansaliwood,” I said, “Yahan dhanda hamesha manda hai.”
I flew (on my own expense) and met him.
I was ‘prepared’ by his team for the meeting with His High and Mightiness.
I was told:

Arre, then what do I say?
I sashayed in a brown kurta and white linen trousers. Please see Madhuri Dixit-Nene’s brown ghagra for aesthetic reference I used from my very limited wardrobe of the only kurta I had at the time. By the way, the chorus sings ‘Jhanak Jhanak Payal Baaje,’ aesthetically referencing you know what, right?
He was lunching with his minions (strictly calling them minions from his pov) when I arrived in his pristine white dining hall in a building called Magnum Opus. Where else should he reside, no? Both his house, and his office (where I was ‘prepared’ earlier) were tastefully done in creamy white.
It was, as I said to my friend later, like walking into a cumulus cloud, or like sitting on his favourite singer Lata Mangeshkar’s lap. Calm, serene and quite surreal. I was inside his snow globe. Violins from a Bach concerto (in my head) were replaced with say Madan Mohan’s doleful rendition of ‘Mai ri main ka se kahoon peedh apne jiya ki.’ (Side effect of writing this on Mother’s Day.)
I look for books when I enter a house for signs of intelligent life. There were lots of lamps and candelabras but where were the stacks of books they were perched on? The aesthetic was high on film set disposable kitsch. I stared into a cumulative void.
The minions were intensely debating Darjeeling momos. What’s that? I spent my childhood there. Never heard of this GI tag!
SLB relished his meal and said, “I want puranpoli today.”
Puranpoli appeared not out of thin air, but a house-help flipping wishes instantly on a griddle on the fifth floor. We were on the first floor. Although the puranpoli is shaped like a flying saucer, it doesn’t fly, perhaps burdened by the weight of excess ghee and crowd-pleasing expectation. It does, however, reach SLB’s plate at the speed of light.
‘Give him some,’ he asked a minion to serve me while I waited on the sofa.
‘I’ve had lunch, thank you,’ I said, trying to behave. The plate arrived. I took a mousy bite to exhibit my failing attempt to transform into a champion minion.
When he came to chat, he noticed the unfinished food and gently reminded me how there were days he went hungry. I should have rolled my eyes for my own lean days.
‘One should not waste food,’ he said.
‘I don’t,’ I said, ‘I was going to parcel it home in a doggy bag.’
Hearing the word doggy, his well-behaved dog came over to inspect me.
He observed me. I petted her perfunctorily. Am a cat person. Stereotypical writer stuff — allergic to undesired petting and attention.
‘So, what have you done?’ he asked, sitting on a sort of empire-style bergere chair. Full marks for faux-ornate.
‘A novel, some writing for a series,’ I said nervously, dismissively.
‘Anything I might have seen?’ he asked.
‘No, not worthwhile.’
‘Are you interested in direction also?’
‘No, am not delusional.’
A moment passed. I might have displayed an errant repartee.
‘I mean, I can only write, or am trying to,’ I said. L’esprit de l’escalier.
He gave me a spiel on writing, how screenplay is an art not many understand, etc, et cetera.
I nodded to make his voice disappear.
‘What are you writing now?’
I showed him the cover of my new book, The Last Courtesan, featuring my mother, on my phone.
‘Oh, this is so fascinating,’ he said.
He spoke rapturously about Calcutta’s great food and colonial architecture when I mentioned growing up in Bowbazar kothas. If you watch any of his interviews now on YouTube you will realise he only speaks in raptures. He’s always explaining things like an impassioned conductor at a dime-store opera. It can exhaust the boorish audience immediately. He spoke about living in the Kamathipura area as a child when I said I had lived there. The mythmaker was interested in exoticising his own legend as an ‘outsider’.
‘But how will you work here if your mother is in Calcutta?’ he said, ‘I am a maa-ka-bhakt.’
Everything is about him or his mother. I have reached that stage too, though only by circumstances unavoidable.
‘Actually it was my mother who asked me to come here. I told her it would only work out if you understand that I will have to vacillate between the two cities initially. Jaise Sanjay ki Leela hai, waise meri Rekha.’
Corny dialogue, but worked. No one calls him by his first name, except perhaps his own mother. He is sir for everyone.
‘If I am speaking to you for so long means I like you,’ he said. ‘Otherwise, I would have asked you to leave long ago.’
Barely five minutes into the conversation, he asked me to return to his office and inform his team that I was going to be a part of his writer’s room.
I went back to his office and read a script. This is the part I cannot mention. His legal team sits in the adjacent room.
I flew to Calcutta and was to return after a week. I had to make arrangements for my mother’s tri-weekly dialysis sessions at a nearby hospital, figure out a tiffin-delivery service for her, find a house help (she sent four nurses scurrying in the past), all of which is a bit of a task in this retrograde city.
Remember the woman who had DM’d me about my tweets? She messaged. She had met SLB after my meeting. He said this about me: ‘What a wonderful find. That boy has so much potential and is talented. Most importantly, he is sensitive.’
I told her I’d get this engraved on my tombstone.
Like how he wants to take Alia Bhatt’s golchakkar in Dholida to his grave.
“It’s a shot that I will take to my grave. If there’s any shot that I want to be played when I breathe my last, it would be Alia doing that shot. It is the best thing I have seen an actor do in a very long, long time.”
I was only emulating the high priest of hyperbole in my tombstone comment. Perhaps I was regressing into a minion.
I had only managed a few tasks for mother when I was back in Bombay. It worried me that the old, frail woman with shaky limbs and slurred speech was trying to be brave to send me to work. I hadn’t worked since the pandemic; she was in and out of hospitals so frequently that I had surrendered the thought of getting another job ever again. Taking care of her was my full-time job.
The first day in his office was to chill in my new, aesthetically pleasing kurta I had shopped for in Gariahat. There was a security camera in every corner that was apparently accessible on his phone. My skin tingled with this information. Chilled. He was at home. Probably watching. That’s a great way to create a myth.
The next day, there were more minions on the lunch table in his first floor apartment. The magically appearing steamy and fragrant sheera was delicious. A minion deemed it the best sheera in the city. I nodded to make that statement evaporate.
A courier boy interrupted for a document signature. SLB flared at a spelling mistake in the document papers.
‘Go wash your face and come back,’ he yelled at the young man.
The minions at the table laughed nervously. I so wished I was wearing a mask to cover my surprise emoji face.
The minions on the table were writers and assistant directors.
‘Dastavez,’ SLB said, ‘would that be correct to use?’
‘Kaaghzaat,’ the minion replied.
‘Kaaghzaat is paper, dastavez is document,’ said the second minion.
‘You always mislead me,’ SLB sternly reprimanded the first minion. ‘Don’t ever do that again.’
Only that minion tried to laugh, offering an apology. He shut the minion down.
My mask, my mask emoji face.
A third minion was sulking in a corner before I arrived for the writing session. This minion had reportedly offered a script suggestion, which he disliked and barked down. I liked this minion the most. Relatable.
A faint noise of a person running or perhaps just a rumbling sound from somewhere outside interrupted the room. He looked up at the ceiling and said, ‘No one lives there. Am certain it is a ghost. I hear running sounds all the time. I have heard sounds of furniture being dragged.’
I wondered if he actually believed in half the things he uttered, or was he just saying it to create enigma about himself. Mythical thoughts certainly kept him preoccupied.
Reality bored him. SLB had nothing good to say about the ‘current plague’ of South Indian films upsetting the Bollywood cartel. He compared them to a circus. He wasn’t kind to the actors he had worked with in his last film. He cracked lame jokes about everyone and everything. The minions laughed and kept him busy. I chuckled a few times to blend in. The mythmaker revelled in his prophesies about the impending doom of charlatans with no aesthetics: just crass, commercial peddlers pimping art. It was all said to amuse and bemuse while he fussed over the yellow shade of fabric from several swatches.
When he left for his music session, the minions bitched him out, and how! All the horror stories I had heard over the years about his moods, behaviour, language and violent temper were true. How else will he create myth about himself as a maestro? The Glomar response. Let the plebs indulge in hearsay. I will neither confirm nor deny. The minions sang effigy songs in happy tunes, if I may stretch this part a bit like his penchant for high camp.
That night, when I went to my actor friend’s house, where I was temporarily staying, I said to him, ‘I don’t think I will last a week there.’
I was rattled by how he spoke to the courier boy and the minions, with no filter. Well, at least it was clear he had no tact, endearing as that might be of a ‘genius’ if one compromises with his erratic behaviour. The CEO of his company does it beautifully and advises to develop a ‘thick hide’ around him. Cows, essentially.
Verve
The words genius, great, master, maverick, were so loosely bandied by his office staff even in his absence that I was tempted to add auteur, if they could spell or pronounce it. They worked in perpetual fear of him turning up at any hour and checking on their tidiness. A minion whined she wasn’t dressed appropriately for his surprise visit. Once, he even cut pay for unscheduled leave, said another minion. A minion narrated a shot he copied from a photographer in Gangubai Kathiawadi. Another minion recounted how he made her cry on shoot by screaming at her for a silly mistake. Minions couldn’t leave the office till his evenings were scheduled. It was a well-paying job so long as they did not have to see ‘chacha’s’ face and only applaud his cinematic sorcery.
His office team would assign me desk-work and warn me not to inform him about it.
‘What am I supposed to say if he asks?’
‘Make up something,’ I was told.
‘Why should I?’
‘You will slowly understand,’ I was told.
His team of assistants would sneak around me. I didn’t know who was reporting what back to him. He would interrogate the management team. They would lash out at me for informing the assistants. The management wanted to control me a certain way because ‘sir’ does not need to know everything. It was quite a guessing game. He had created an ecosystem of complete chaos and loved the hubbub. New people were hired for him to use the ‘new energy’ to rekindle the ‘old energy’ that needed to be reminded it could be snuffed out and replaced. He thrived on confusion because it all boiled down to him to sort out the mess. He was the provider so long as the minions ingratiated and served their grand master.
One time he called me upstairs, what his CEO called the god’s chamber aka the Shahenshah’s durbar: his office on the seventh floor. Walls were lined with giant posters of his films. We minions sat on the fifth floor. I was of course by now a week old in the toady mill. On the seventh floor, production team members, set designer, director assistant, young people sat on the floor, armed with notebooks and laptops, alert and sugar-tongued. He sat on a throne and dictated each one about their duty. A masseur massaged his leg. He asked me what I thought of a script. I said it was lovely. He asked me to elaborate. I said I liked a character’s resolve. He denied it was written. I said that’s my interpretation. A minion promptly backed me.
‘What changes do you suggest?’ he asked.
‘We should sit on it collectively and decide,’ I said.
He mumbled something. My suggestion was dismissed. I was dismissed. I bowed out. A minion whispered to me, ‘We all walk on eggshells around him.’ I had to be a chicken in a coop I suppose.
Another time he dismissed my suggestion for a scene saying, ‘That’s not how art is made.’ I had referenced a scene from Bandit Queen to illustrate my point. Just like his entire oeuvre is homage to a classic. How else does he make his art?
Allow me to illustrate with a frame from his first film Khamoshi: The Musical. The second image is from Pakeezah.
Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam references Red Beard, Woh 7 Din.
Devdas references Pakeezah more than once.
Black references The Miracle Worker.
Saawariya references Pyaasa, Awaara.
Guzaarish references Whose Life Is It Anyway?
Goliyon Ki Raasleela: Ram-Leela references Franco Zeffirelli’s Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story.
Bajirao Mastani references Mughal-E-Azam.
Padmaavat references Mirch Masala.
Gangubai Kathiawadi, let’s give him the benefit of doubt is all his own, original artistry.
The American filmmaker Jim Jarmusch once meta quoted the French filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard when he said:
“Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery — celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from — it’s where you take them to.”
SLB believes he takes art and betters it, removing the grubby coat of slime from the sublime, often not concerned with acknowledging the source. He is a master’s master, elevating it to an otherworldly experience, the creator of a mythoverse.
He asked me to rewrite a scene I didn’t agree with. He banged the script folders on the table like a petulant, little child. I watched his posture change into a frump. Tiger Shroff’s ‘Bacchi ho kya,’ dialogue comes to mind.
‘You are talking like those critics who find fault but don’t know how to write. They should write the film,’ he said.
That argument will never make sense to me but since I write movies now and not just about them, I rewrote the scene in half an hour and showed it to him. He found it rubbish.
I was not called to the writer’s room for a week.
His CEO said I should go to his house; hang around him, like the other assistants whose only purpose in life is to feed his ego. We are slaves to his vision, she said. She thought I was a better writer than the team he had assembled. ‘From whatever I read, only three lines of your work on social media, I could sense it,’ she said.
Either she was encouraging, or bluffing with a perfectly Zen face. From the hundreds of Ganesh idols stacked in her room, it was clear she wasn’t a reader. She was good at reading numbers, data, and stats. She would sense a sign if one of the metal idols sucked milk from a spoon on the day she enquired about box –office figures.
There was more than one right-wing hardliner in his office. Secular staff was invisible. A pretty minion in baby pink t-shirt, whose main grouse was that another minion called him a Barbie doll, said he was happy with the Modi government building roads in his home state Bihar. Another minion countered him by asking: What about the persecution of minorities by the same government? The pretty minion said he didn’t care for that. He was assisting ‘sir’ because he wanted to be an actor. Which lead me to wonder how many Muslim actors has this production worked with? Silly of me to think, right? Given that I myself don’t use my Muslim surname. I’ve now successfully planted a myth in your head. That’s how it works.
In the time that I was in Versova during my brief stint at Bhansali Productions, I met several people with their own SLB horror story. A producer said, ‘He is a difficult man but life changes for good after you work with him. Some people want to go through hell first. Life bann jaati hai.’ I didn’t understand why purgatory was necessary. Another former assistant said, ‘When you work with the worst (SLB) and the best (KJO), you are ready for the rest.’
A young woman gave him a thesis she wrote on his films. He asked her to write a book on her. She said she wanted to assist as a director. She never heard from him. A filmmaker said SLB was too friendly with another assistant, suggesting intimacy. A writer wasn’t given credit in a film.
Another writer was promised his script will be turned into a film but it never took off and now he feels his life has been ruined. A young filmmaker’s debut movie SLB produced was delayed, not promoted, and called ‘kachra’ to his face.
The young man said SLB is sexist, homophobe, classist, fat shamer, emotional abuser, and a body shamer. “He is a joyless pit of darkness where happiness goes to die. And those are the nicest words I can think of to describe him,” he said. Another filmmaker said a choreographer was in a relationship with SLB and wanted to marry him but he wouldn’t even touch her, a hotly discussed conversation amongst his minions.
Everything sounds hokum. A successful man is likely to upset a few. The few will talk. Their words may ring true through a gossamer veil of implausibility. Myths magnifying his persona.
There are too many myths about his personal life, aroused by his silence on the subject but all too obvious in his work. When people want to confirm with me, I am equally appalled at their lack of aesthetics. Like the great reader of curtains, Edgar Allan Poe, you only have to look at SLB’s use of billowy curtains in films to guess.

Above stanza, courtesy Poe, poem: The Raven.
Hope you get the drift, or draft, hawa ka jhonka! By the way, am digressing now, is the weirdly named character Sameer Rosselline in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam the first mainstream Hindi film hero to pass wind? The ruffled curtains are first to be cautioned though.
Unlike most people willing to swallow their pride to work with SLB, few like the eponymous Gangubai character choose izzat. The house-help employed in my actor friend’s house was asked to work as a cook in his house. When she heard the whimsy, dessert-craving demands, she declined the offer. I identify with her no-nonsense style.
In November 2021, a filmmaker read a film script I wrote and said, ‘This is SLB territory. Only he can make it. It is the modern love-story he has been wanting to make for a long time.’
‘Are you sure?’ I asked, somewhat flattered but also bewildered.
‘Yes, we just have to change the setting from Calcutta-Bombay to Calcutta-New York. It is what he has been trying to crack. I’ll get him to read it.’
I never spoke to SLB about my script. I did not want to look like a schemer. I had only got a chance because of my mother’s story. I had come to write courtesan songs. Hindi films are recognised by their songs. His films have show tunes that live on long after the sequins and mirrors reflect a decadent style. He employs the old-fashioned method of making Hindi films, which is to stitch scenes around a song, not the other way round. And when you glean your references from the best of classical melodies, how can you falter?
My own SLB story is that after watching Saawariya in 2007, I wrote a few songs, moved to Bombay, lived in Versova, close to Magnum Opus, and hoped to meet him, but made no effort even though I came in close contact with people who worked directly with him. I never requested for a meeting. Over the years, I too had heard a few horror stories about him. I only believe in what I see. I waited when he would call for me, my work would have to speak for itself.
A day before Good Friday, his CEO sat me down and said it’s not working out.
There’s a mythical story of how Lata Mangeshkar was on her way to record a song for SLB but the heavens poured and she had to turn her car back. A typical SLB frame of hope and hopelessness.
Never work with your idols. You’ll have a better story to imagine and create myths.
I was so relieved to leave. I hadn’t got a moment to read, or write, let alone think since I got here. Why I wanted to work with SLB was to not believe in hearsay. I will either confirm or deny.
‘Great,’ I said, ‘everyone deserves an off on Good Friday.’
The office was unsure about public holidays. SLB’s mood dictated the calendar.
Before returning to Calcutta, I met a friend entrenched in the film business.
When she heard of the fiasco, she said, ‘I’ve heard he is very anal, is he?’
The vibrator jokes never stop.

Y'all know the fancy that! Books? Good, I was wondering if I can read the actual contents of any of them if not I've got a knew writing project (spoiler flair because of how plot relevant they are)

Yo, Name Is Nullsector or just Null. I'm 21M, and I've got about 11 years worth of experience when it comes to advanced roleplaying. I enjoy various types of roleplays, but I definitely like one that is diverse in its genres. I am in search of creating a long term Bleach roleplay, I mainly play male characters but I'm open to also playing female characters on the side! Here are a couple "rules'' I have:

1. Please be advanced, I usually type up to 3 paragraphs, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how much I'm invested in the roleplay. there is nothing more agonizing than a one liner. I need something to work with! Also please write in 3rd person.
   
2. But please, also be at least 18 to roleplay with me. I don't roleplay with minors.
   
3. I use ocs, but you don't have to use an oc if you don't want to. However, it's encouraged. Before we start an rp and plan out the plot, we can share our oc's bios with each other to get ideas. I'm also open to doubles!
   
4. (Important) I mainly roleplay PoC(People of color) Ocs, If you don't like that the door is over there. No exceptions. I will occasionally play a lighter skinned character as a side character but all my main characters will be PoC.
   
5. A couple things/themes I enjoy include: fantasy, medieval, slice of life (not as the main theme), best friends, enemies, forbidden love, and so much more.
   
6. Other Fandoms I am in if this is not your fancy: Jujutsu Kaisen, Devil May Cry, Bleach, Naruto, Cyberpunk, Dragon Ball, Tokyo Ghoul, Marvel, DC, Overwatch, Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel, RWBY, JJBA and more. Just ask. Of course, the roleplay doesn't have to be fandom based!
   Just ask if you have any further questions, thanks!
   

Yo, Name Is Nullsector or just Null. I'm 21M, and I've got about 11 years worth of experience when it comes to advanced roleplaying. I enjoy various types of roleplays, but I definitely like one that is diverse in its genres. I am in search of creating a long term Bleach roleplay, I mainly play male characters but I'm open to also playing female characters on the side! Here are a couple "rules'' I have:

1. Please be advanced, I usually type up to 3 paragraphs, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how much I'm invested in the roleplay. there is nothing more agonizing than a one liner. I need something to work with! Also please write in 3rd person.
   
2. But please, also be at least 18 to roleplay with me. I don't roleplay with minors.
   
3. I use ocs, but you don't have to use an oc if you don't want to. However, it's encouraged. Before we start an rp and plan out the plot, we can share our oc's bios with each other to get ideas. I'm also open to doubles!
   
4. (Important) I mainly roleplay PoC(People of color) Ocs, If you don't like that the door is over there. No exceptions. I will occasionally play a lighter skinned character as a side character but all my main characters will be PoC.
   
5. A couple things/themes I enjoy include: fantasy, medieval, slice of life (not as the main theme), best friends, enemies, forbidden love, and so much more.
   
6. Other Fandoms I am in if this is not your fancy: Jujutsu Kaisen, Devil May Cry, Bleach, Naruto, Cyberpunk, Dragon Ball, Tokyo Ghoul, Marvel, DC, Overwatch, Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel, RWBY, JJBA and more. Just ask. Of course, the roleplay doesn't have to be fandom based!
   Just ask if you have any further questions, thanks!
   

Your little speech today about only being on TikTok Tuesdays now. Something you said really stuck out to me you said “You’ve tried to play the game, you tried to earn the money and you tried to earn the worth”. I don’t know where to start with you. First Tabitha I think it’s disgusting that you think what you do is a “game”!!! Other people’s lives are not for you to play games with. Maybe that’s part of your problem. You’re playing games and everyone else is living in reality. Second Tabitha, there is NO WORTH in playing games with people’s lives. You aren’t worthy of anything Tabitha you want to know why??? Because anything good is WORTH working hard for and we both know you don’t like to work. You were right about one thing though Tabitha we won’t ever stop raising awareness about you until you go away and stop taking advantage of good people. No one would’ve been okay with anyone bullying someone that really has Autism Tabitha. I know this because we went out of our way to protect the people you were preying on like BG and AP for example. We even had discussions about how we would protect them through all of this because they are truly autistic. We just won’t allow you to lie about having something you don’t and that’s the difference between bullying and raising awareness. Your “supporters” never disappeared on you for the blackout Tabitha they just got smart because how can they not when you say you’re homeless one minute and eating steak and shrimp the next with a brand new wardrobe, hair and nails. I don’t think you will go down to just one day a week because you’re addicted to TikTok and the attention you get from it. You crave it. Unless of course there’s a different reason you won’t be on and you’re keeping it quiet. Most likely it’s because you’re using someone and don’t want us to find out who and warn them. But you’re your own worst enemy and this won’t last either especially if it involves you working in any kind of capacity. One last thing before I go Tabitha instead trying to earn your worth from thousands of strangers on an app why aren’t you trying to do that with people that really matters, like your children etc.??? I think it’s so weird that you so desperately need or even want validation from people that you don’t even know. Oh and if you do write that book you were talking about make sure it’s labeled FICTION. Until Next Time Tabitha Get a Real Job or Go To ONLY FANS LAZY!!! P.S. Tabitha you were only used as much as you used others. You can’t use a user and you are the epitome of a user just ask BK and other creators with a following of any sort you throw gifts to for attention and followers etc🙄🙄🙄

Intro: For your distinguished service to the crown, you’ve been assigned the difficult and dangerous job of slaying a dragon purported to have slaughtered a village on the outskirts of the kingdom. It’s a job you should be able to handle, and you’re not too scared… now, if only the whole thing felt less wrong…
Summary: Listener meets a new acquaintance who befriends him, and offers to guide him where he needs to go. They face a danger together, and he learns that she is not what she seems.
Go ahead and monetize, it's fine. Word count is about 3800.
If you fill this or plan to fill this, please notify me. Please don't make edits without asking first.
TWs: Running deception, combat, discussion of mass murder (dragon burning places to the ground), possessiveness, forced sleep
Line breaks represent the listener talking or space where no one talks and should be short pauses, words within {brackets} represent the speaker’s tone or sfx. At ellipses, the speaker trails off, and at dashes, she is either cut off abruptly by the listener or by herself.
Author’s Note: God, this took way too long to write. A couple months, if you count when I had the idea and when I wrote the first few sentences. Well, it’s here now, and I hope it’s not too disappointing. Prequel series go!
If you want to read this somewhere other than Reddit, it's also here.
M4F Version here.
​
​
{internal monologue} {disgusted} Ugh, those damn livestock merchants charge more every time. Gouging bastards, {rationalization} but I do need them to stay silent. If the town finds out how much food I have to purchase every month, it’ll only end badly. Besides, it’s not like even this much bribery makes a dent in my hoard. I should really just be glad I haven’t met any merchants with integrity, that wouldn’t end well. Good thing it’s a vanishingly rare trait these days… {annoyance} wait, no, that’s not a good thing, what am I saying? It’s sad… but it does make my life easier. Well, that’s a hell of a conundrum. {sigh} {bored} Not one I haven’t dealt with before, though. Have this conversation with myself every time. Oh, well. What matters is the food’ll be delivered soon, I don’t have to go into hibernation, and the merchants won’t talk. Anything else I wanted to do before heading home? Hmm… I think I wanted to stop at the spice merchant, see how much- {interest} HELlo. Who is that?
{curiosity} What would a knight be doing here? I mean, I suppose the goblin raids have been getting more brazen, but the town guards seem to have it handled, I haven’t even needed to get involved yet. I guess he could be here about that, but it doesn’t feel right. Maybe he’s just passing through? Well, best way to find out is to go talk to-
{quiet} Oh, damn. That’s- oh, damn. Fuck, he’s hot. {forced calm} Okay, composure. You are an all-powerful dragon. You will not be thrown off your game by one mortal, no matter how shiny his armor is. And it’s only his armor you’ll be looking at, right? Right. Ignore that beautiful face, you just need to find out what he’s doing here, not-
{suspicious} Wait. Who’s he talking to? {upset} The spice merchant? And she’s BLUSHING? Uh-uh. No. Not gonna fly.
{out loud} {sickly sweet} Hiiiii, hello! It’s me again, I’m here to pick up some- Oh? Who’s this? A new friend?
Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were having a conversation. Please, continue. I can wait.
{cough}
Oh, no, don’t mind me, just looking at… cumin. My, this smells awfully strong.
So sorry to barge in again, uh, I would like to buy these.
Are you leaving? Well, it was lovely to meet you.
{internal monologue} Okay, let me just finish up here, and I can go talk to him.
{pleased} Hah! Look frustrated, spice skank. Serves you right. {confused} Wait, do I know your name? Have I ever asked your name? Eh, doesn’t matter right now, I don’t need to know everyone in the village. {disgust} Especially not someone who flirts with- {confusion} Wait, what am I doing? I don’t have any claim over some random knight, why am I acting like this?
{frustrated noise} Figure out internal dilemma later, find human now. Where’d he go?
Agh! Curse this mortal form’s short legs, I can’t see- wait! Shiny!
{out loud} Hey! Hey! Wait up!
{out of breath} Whew… Thought I was gonna… gonna lose you… for a minute.
Thanks. Only need… a few seconds…
{composed} Hi. I’m Tiamat*.* Sorry to chase after you like that, but I realized I didn’t catch your name?
Oh, that’s a lovely name. It suits you.
{pleased} Oh, flatterer. {internal monologue} He’s smooth, isn’t he? I was expecting all muscle, no brain. I understand why the spice merchant was blushing now, I guess. {out loud} I just wanted to ask you… uh, I wanted to ask you what you were doing at the spice merchant’s? Usually passers-through don’t stop there when they can get their salt cheaper elsewhere.
Oh, that’s interesting! I didn’t know you could find that here.
Oh, no, I don’t spend very much time there. I mostly go in, buy what I need for my next few weeks of meals, and leave. Other places to be. More important places.
{laugh} Well. You certainly know the way to a woman’s heart. {internal monologue} A knight with both manners and a sense of humor… who’d have thought?
{out loud} Wonderful. So, what brings you to Wylgrith? It’s not a large settlement by any means, and well out of the way of… everything, really. What reason would a mighty royal knight have for stopping by? Were you sent to handle the goblins that-
{stunned} …Say what now?
The dragon? You were sent to kill the DRAGON?
Can you… not?
{off-balance} I mean- uh- Well, I don’t see why you would, do I? After all, the dragon hasn’t been seen or heard from in years, right? And even before that she didn’t harm any humans for decades. She-
I- uhhh… I guess I’m guessing she’s a ‘she?’ I did see her once, flying overhead, though, and she looked like a girl dragon. Kind of slender.
I… suppose ‘it’ works as well, yeah. {quiet, sad} A little hurtful, though…
{back on track} Nothing, nothing. So, why are you killing the dragon, again? I don’t think… it… has even harmed a human in living memory.
{sputtering} What? No it didn’t!
I- I think I would know if it burned down a village. I mean, this place is still standing, right?
A different- Well, I’m sure she wouldn’t have done anything like-
{quickly} No, no, I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve met the thing, right? But it hasn’t burned down this village, so why would-
{tentative} Oh. They said that?
Right to the king?
Right in the middle of court, where everyone could hear it?
{sad} I guess that settles that, then. The dragon needs to die.
{internal monologue} Damn. What a waste of such a handsome knight. There’s no chance he could possibly beat me on his own, so he’s going to end up- wait, on his own?
{out loud} {confused} And the king sent you? Alone, I mean? No army, or squad of knights, or cadre of mages? Why would he do that?
{awed} Oh. Oh, that is a very magic sword.
Well, no, I haven’t. But- but you can just tell, can’t you? It’s glowing! And it’s covered in some kind of weird letters, those have to be magical, right?
{internal monologue} {hesitant} Okay. That’s somewhat worrying. Even with all the useless sigils and that pointless glow siphoning its energy, I can feel the power rippling off that thing. Where did he ever find- No, that doesn’t matter. Could it level the playing field? Give him a chance? Hard to tell, I think, my senses in this form aren’t as-
{out loud} I’m sorry, what? I was distracted. Uh- it’s a very pretty sword.
{taken aback} That’s- that’s a good name for it. Very dangerous-sounding.
{internal monologue}{stressed} ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FANGBANE? HE FOUND FANGBANE? HOW IN THE- {forced composure} no, I’m calm, I’m calm, it’s fine. It’s not worrying at all that he has the most dangerous dragon-slaying sword ever forged. Wow, this very quickly went from “I don’t want to fight him, I don’t want to kill him” to “I don’t want to fight him, I don’t want to die.” Okay, time to nip this in the bud.
{out loud} Wow, it’s done that much? I never would’ve guessed that, it looks much too fancy for that. So… you can actually kill the dragon?
{hesitant} You’re right, I suppose. If it burned a village, it does deserve that. Well… *{resolve}*Do you know how to find its lair?
No, it’s not. If it was, everyone would be constantly in there robbing the hoard, wouldn’t we? Everyone knows that the lair is somewhere on the mountain, but no one knows where.
{triumph} Yes. Except me. And I’ll guide you there.
{reasonable} We already agreed, right? If it burned down a village, killed that many people, it needs to be put down. I want to help with that, and besides, you need someone to take you there. You’ll never find it on your own, so you can’t be too choosy about who you bring, can you?
I like hiking, and the mountain isn’t dangerous if you’ve known what you were doing since you were a child. I found it once, but I ran immediately, because I didn’t want to risk angering the dragon. I think I can find it again, but it’ll be a long trip. Three days at minimum.
{internal monologue} {satisfied} Perfect. A few days wandering in the forest should discourage him, maybe I can even convince him I didn’t burn any village. {confused} Why would he have been told… {moving on} Doesn’t matter right now. What matters is getting him off my trail, and maybe getting to know him in the meantime… {upset} No! Stop that! Bad Tiamat! He’s literally trying to kill you. He is not a prospective mate, he isn’t even another dragon!
{sigh} {wistful} He is handsome, though, especially when the light catches his armor like that… No! Stop!
{out loud} {serious} We should set out soon, then. Do you have enough provisions for the trip?
Good, good. No time to waste, come on.
You’re hunting a dragon. A dragon. Don’t you think it might be wise to move before she- it catches wind of your presence?
Let’s go, then.
{some indicator of a time skip}
{amused} What, don’t tell me you’re getting tired? We’ve only been hiking for a couple hours today, aren’t you supposed to be a big, strong knight?
You could take off the armor, if it’s that hot.
{concession} All right, your decision. And I suppose wearing the armor was helpful when the tangler tree tried to grab you. Fine, we’ll stop for a bit.
How much is left in your waterskin?
Good, good. Mine’s pretty full, I haven’t felt thirsty in a while.
No, we’re definitely going in the right direction. {grasping at straws} I recognize… uh, that rock! Yeah. See how it kinda looks like a bear, if you tilt your head?
Really? Well, I see it. Anyway, I remember seeing that before. We’re about a day’s walk away from the lair, I’m almost certain.
You know, you never asked why I decided to hike in a random direction for three days. {internal monologue} {pleased} I have such a good story for it, too. It’ll leave you crying, and then maybe I can-
{out loud} {taken aback} You do?
What? You’re a royal knight, one of the most honored positions in the land. Why would you feel the need to escape?
{internal monologue} What? What was that? There for a second and then gone, was that… a crack in the charming exterior?
{out loud} No, no, I understand the feeling. I just… didn’t expect it from this quarter. Is something wrong at court? Are you-
{inner monologue} {protective} Oh… Oh his eyes… So sad… What did they do to you, my knight?
{out loud} Please, anything you can-
{confused} What? What’s wrong?
No, I’m not going to shush, we’re talking, and-
{muffled} Mmph! MMMMPH!
{inner monologue} {angy} This presumptuous human dares lay his hand on ME? I don’t care what might be inside him, I’m going to make it outside- {considering} Wait. What’s that noise?
That doesn’t sound like- oh. Oh, those are goblins. And he wanted me to be quiet, and now they heard us, and- oops. Why did I not sense them coming? Goblins wouldn’t know stealth if it snuck up behind them and ripped their legs off, I should’ve heard them from miles away. This doesn’t make any sense… Oh, well. I suppose it doesn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things. Just a few more goblins to kill. If he’d just let go of me… wait, but I don’t want to reveal myself. That makes this much more difficult. Can I kill all these green idiots in my human form? {concerned} Oh, wow, that’s… a worrying amount. Where are they all coming from? All right, I think I can take- wait, what? Human? What are you doing?
{out loud} Why are you getting in front of me? That is far too many goblins for any human to handle, we need to run!
{internal monologue} {flustered} Wha? What does he mean by that? And why does he have to be this handsome as he says it? That’s unfair!
{out loud} No- you can’t-
{internal monologue} {upset} Oh, the stupid, brave, self-sacrificial idiot! He’s gonna get himself killed if I don’t help him- wait, what?
{taken aback} He’s- oh, wow, that’s quite impressive. That’s- wow. I’ve never seen a human fight like that.
{confused} Huh? Why’s he looking back… Is he angry? What?
He’s yelling something… He wants me to run? Wha- {realization} OHHHHH- He thinks I’m in danger, and he’s trying to protect me! He wants to- {touched} aw. That’s the sweetest thing… My heart- {serious} I need to keep this knight alive.
{realization} Oh! I have to pretend to be running, yes. I can’t help him here, much as I want to. Besides, it looks like he has it handled. Those goblins aren’t laying a claw on him, somehow. Guess it was a good decision to wear the armor.
{planning} I’ll come back for him later, and he can be happy that he kept me safe, and maybe I can use that to find out what’s wrong with him, oh, looks like he’s just about finished with those- {shock} wut.
What is that.
That’s a- that’s a freaking hellhound! What in the Low Realms is a hellhound doing here?
{protective} Okay, no, unacceptable. I am not risking my treasure- {concerned} the human. The human! Why did I just think of him as- never mind, time for that later.
{whoosh sfx}
{roar}
{desperate} Oh no, please don’t let me be too late…
{out loud} {furious} Stay away from my human!
{crunch sfx}
{triumph} Hah. That’ll teach you.
Did you get the last of the goblins, sir kni- {wary} What are you doing.
Put that sword down, please, I’m not your enemy.
Okay, no, no, calm down, there’s no need to get worked up.
This isn’t helping anything, can we just talk?
{upset} OW! All right, this has gone far enough
{magically resonant} Sleep.
{sigh} {fading out} What am I going to do with you?
{some indicator of a time skip}
{cordial} Good morning, sir knight. As promised, I brought you to my lair.
Oh, yes, you must be confused.
{whoosh sfx}
There, is that better?
{resigned} Yes. It was me the whole time.
No, it wasn’t. If it had been a game, you would be dead right now. Instead you’re alive, unharmed, even unrestrained, in the middle of my hoard.
Or didn’t you notice?
{amused} Yes, I thought that might get your attention. Being surrounded by enough gold to fill a palace ten times over generally does the trick where humans are involved, or so I am informed.
{annoyed} Fangbane? The sword that slew more of my kind in two years than any other managed in thousands? You want it back?
Tch, no, but I would’ve if I could. That butcher’s blade should’ve been melted down long ago. Alas, it was impervious even to my fire.
I thought that was clear: no, you can’t have it back. You can have another sword, even a magic one, but not that atrocity forged in steel.
{considering} That would seem to be the question of the hour, yes. “What are you doing here.” Well… why don’t you tell me? You were sent to kill me, that much is clear. But much more isn’t. I would like… an explanation.
{annoyed} Oh, come on. You’ve been interacting with me for days now. Do I really seem like the type of person who burns down villages at random? That excuse is worthless… and… {suspicious} I think we both know it. You were sent here for some other reason. What was it? Tell me, before I grow cross.
Oh, I believe they didn’t tell you. But, though I think you like to pretend otherwise, dumb is one thing you are not. You know more than you’re saying, so answer me. Please. Why does the king want me dead?
{stunned} That’s- that’s it? Of all the petty, arrogant, stupid- I’m not even going to bother trying with that. {snort} And humans use dragons as symbols of greed.
{explaining something obvious} Yes. Because I like gold, its color, its luster. And because I enjoy living comfortably. {disgust} Not just… to have more than others.
Even if you don’t want to concede the difference, surely it does not escape you that I earned all of this, not just killed its old owner and stole it.
{offended} Of course I did! The very idea of taking something unearned… ugh.
{considering} You really know so little of my kind…
All of this, though… brings us back to you. You were sent here, presumably because you’re the kingdom’s best knight, the one with the highest chance of victory. You weren’t given any backup because there’s only one Fangbane. And you were fed a lie about me slaughtering innocents to make the job go down easier, but something in you knew that it was a lie. Tell me, am I hitting the mark with these?
So, my question becomes… why didn’t you? You had me at the point of your blade, and with a sword like that and skills like yours, you could’ve done it. If you wanted me dead, I would be, draconic magic and might notwithstanding. Instead, all I have is a scratch on my snout- {venomous} yes, that is the scar on my nose. Injuries do carry over, thank you so much for noticing.
{curious} And now you’re sorry. I don’t think I understand you at all, no matter how hard I try. Please, answer me. I want to.
Wha- {sigh} {exasperated} Well, if you were so certain it was a lie, why come here in the first place? If you felt you were given unjust orders, you could’ve just left the kingdom. Plenty of other places need knights, and there’s always work to be found as a sellsword. You risked much to gain… nothing, as best as I can see.
{dangerous} He… he what?
The king threatened to…
{cold} No. No, that is unacceptable.
No one threatens my human.
Yes, my human. I- {sigh} {warmer} I believe an explanation is in order. You see, I finally figured out what I’ve been feeling these past few days. At first, I thought it might be love, and, well, I suppose it is, of a kind: hoarding instinct. I feel hoarding instinct when I look at you. I saw you for the first time, and something in me just knew. You are the most precious treasure in this entire cavern, and I need to protect and keep you until the end of time, like the work of art you are.
{worried} Ohh, that’s not a good expression. Did I say something wrong? Come on too strong? I promise, living here won’t be bad at all, it’s quite a comfortable lair, whether I’m in human form or dragon. I maintain a good relationship with the villagers, too, so we can even go down to Wylgrith on day trips, as long as you don’t try to leave. You understand the importance of that, I trust.
{calming} No, no, don’t get all worked up. There’s no need to do something we’ll both regret.
Please, calm down. We’re both rational people, let’s discuss this as such.
{harder} Human, I don’t want to put you to sleep again. Don’t make me.
{pleased} Good, that’s much better. Now, what are your objections?
Mhm, mhm… {logical} Well, in point of fact, no, you don’t have a home anymore. If you go back without proof of my demise, the king will have you executed, will he not?
As I thought. So there’s nowhere else for you to be. As to your next point, of course I won’t keep you as a pet, you’re a sentient human. You have your own free will, thoughts, ideas, desires, the whole package. You would never be a pet. You will be my treasure. Very different thing, and it means I will want to keep you close, keep you safe, and stare at your radiance for as long as draconically possible.
{considering} Well, no, I haven’t heard of this. A living part of a dragon’s hoard? I believe it’s unprecedented, since nothing but gold lasts forever. Nevertheless, we’ll figure something out, we can make it work. And this doesn’t reflect strangely on me, you needn’t worry. I am one of the eldest dragons of this age, the young are used to my… peculiarities by now.
{pleased} Ah, yes, I wondered when we would get to that point. No, as a matter of fact, the king will not be sending other knights, or mages, or armies after me. I will not be killed like that, and you will not be reclaimed by them. And do you wish to know why?
{colder than ice} Because I am going to burn this kingdom to the ground.{amused} Naturally. I could overlook the attempt on my life - it brought me the most precious treasure I have ever known, after all, - I could forgive the use of Fangbane, since now I can make sure it never harms one of my kind again, I could even somewhat tolerate the blatant lies spread about me as flimsy justification. {angry} What I cannot accept, however, is what they have done to you. Threats on your life, on your body, on those you protect, promises of execution, forcing you to stain your soul against your will… no. No one is permitted to harm my human and live. This will, I admit, be something of a first for dragonkind, actually killing humans instead of protecting them is practically unheard of. I may even face repercussions from my kind for this. I find it hard to care, though, these ones are only getting what they deserve, for their actions or their complacence.
Now you’re getting upset again. {soothing} Don’t worry, this isn’t a sign of my outlook changing. I still have no desire to harm humans, and the village is perfectly safe.
We were communicating so well a second ago, if we could return to that, I would be grateful.
I promise you, this shouting and carrying on is nothing but counterproductive.
{tired} Sir knight, if you are not capable of being objective, I will be forced to- oh, forget it.
{magically resonant} Sleep.
{gentle} {slowly fading out} I truly am sorry to do this to you, but I can’t have you fighting me on this. I don’t want you to be upset at me, treasure, so, by the time you wake, the cause of this contention will be gone.
Shh, shh. It’s okay. It’s just a simple sleep spell, you’ll wake up comfortable and well-rested.
There. It will all be fixed before you awaken. Don’t worry, my treasure, nothing will ever harm you again.

My house is now fully mine. I bought my ex husband out. And my divorce is final. It feels like a relief, for the most part.
And I met someone. We danced together at a new dance class. We immediately gravitated towards each other. Stayed up the whole night just talking (and a bit of kissing). And it just had to happen. It's been roughly two months now and I couldn't be happier about him. We're falling for each other and it feels so strong and healthy and lovely that I'm almost grateful to my ex for cheating. I don't think I would have divorced him for any other reason.
I feel happy in general. I feel content. I still mourn for my kids from time to time, but I guess they might be better off this way too. They have two happy homes. Hopefully a happier dad too.
I feel like I'm doing a lot better. I feel less fragile. I know I'm resilient now, having gone through all of this in the past ten months. I know I'll be okay, no matter what. Not because I have a new relationship and dreams of love, but because I've done the work to come to terms with the cheating and the divorce.
Summer's here, my kids are okay, I'm okay, and an amazing guy really fancies me. I really didn't believe I could be writing this ten months ago. But I am. What could be better? The point is, there's hope. So hang in there stranger.

Hi, I’m bonzos-number-1-fan You might know me from such theories as; "Theory of Fears; or, Zur Furchtlehre", "What R# Means: The ABCs of Fear" or, "Padlocks, How Do They Even Work?".
I’m back with another essay about this show. Today’s subject is a little different from previous ones. Rather than explaining what I think something in this show is, I’ll be explaining what I think it isn’t. What I’m going to be talking about is the very popular theory that CAT1/2/3 means the supernatural aspect is a Person/Place/Object.
Because I’m talking about other people’s ideas here I do want to start off by saying I understand why this theory is attractive and I don’t think anyone is stupid or anything for believing it. I just personally think there are angles from which it doesn’t work and that the sum of them makes it fairly certain to be untrue. I could be very wrong about that, and my other theories, or I could be very right. I don’t think either scenario matters much. This essay isn’t about being right but about talking about a big thing in the community. I just happen to not believe this one and people have signalled interest in hearing why.
So with all that out of the way I’m going to start by establishing the terminology being used. Then I’ll break down what this theory is positing and follow it up with the ways I think it does and doesn’t work. That’s basically it but with 16 episodes and supplemental material to cover it’s still not going to be terribly short.
Huge thanks to @brettanomycroft for proof reading/editing this madness.

Spoilers for The Magnus Protocol up to and including episode 16.

 

What is a CAT#?

A CAT# is the first 4-5 characters of an OIAR's incident report header. While these are not often referenced in the main body of the show, each incident we hear is accompanied by one in the show's description and transcript. As an example this is the case number for the first incident of episode 1.

CAT1RBC5257-12052022-09012024

Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret [Email]

The first line is the case number. CAT1 is this incident's CAT#. The RBC (R#/Rank) and 5257 (DPHW) have been topics I've discussed in essays I linked at the start. The second line is the header and is formatted “Section (Subsection) -/- Crosslink [Format]”. CAT#s is all we're concerning ourselves with today but I will be using this terminology going forward.
Now we know what they look like, what is it we know about them? Well, not much at all. From the show itself we know there are CAT1s, CAT2s, CAT3s and CAT23s. From the Klaus excel sheet that was found as part of the ARG (and can be found here) we also know there are CAT12s and CAT13s. With that information we can say with some certainty that CAT1, CAT2, and CAT3 are non-mutually exclusive groupings. It's very likely not a linear scale of some description—i.e CAT23 isn't between CAT2 and CAT3—because CAT13 doesn't fit such a scale. Which means that where there are two numbers in a CAT# that incident likely fits both groups rather than being a new group. This also strongly implies that an incident could be CAT123 although we have yet to see that demonstrated.
We also know that CAT is short for "Category". In the Klaus sheet these numbers are located in the "Kategorie" column. "Kategorie" being German for "category". This unfortunately doesn't tell us anything we didn't already know. CAT#s denote some form of grouping.
There is only one other fact we know about CAT#s and that's this:

ALICE
Right, so, after each entry there's four numbers. That’s the DPHW. So, “dolls comma watching” is… 1157. Then you cross reference with the table here, that would be a 2-C, and then you type that into the box here, along with date of incident if there is one and today’s date.

Which is not a lot to go on at all but it does raise an important question. How is a CAT# assigned? There are two major assumptions you could make here. The first is the “objective method” and that it’s a factor of either the section, subject, DPHW or a combination thereof. This means that they are pre-assigned in the same way that DPHWs are. This method has an inherent trait in that it means every header manifests as the same sort of thing. While it’s not a problem to say that every Doll (Watching) is the same— that could just be the rules of the setting—it does make CAT# itself somewhat redundant. The terminology of the headers will often describe something inherent about the CAT#. We have a CAT3 case that’s Dice (Bone) -/- Fate but dice are objects so why would you need to restate that?
The second is the “subjective method” in which the assessor chooses the CAT# based on the incident itself. The subjective method has a larger assumption built into it in that they know what CAT#s are. They don’t know what DPHW is and have shown no indication of knowing what CAT# is either. So I’d say it’s less likely that CAT#s are subjective rather than objective. However, for the purposes of this essay I will assume that both are as likely to be true as each other and will refer to them both. Different cases show different flaws when one of these is true over the other, so both will get discussed.
 

What is Person/Place/Object?

Person/Place/Object is the theory that the three single digit CAT#s stand for Person, Place, and Object respectively. Combinations of these digits represent that an incident falls into each category. A CAT1 incident indicates that the supernatural element of an incident is a person in some respect, while a CAT23 would indicate both a place and an object.
As I have mentioned this isn’t a theory with a single theorist or origin to point to. As such this theory isn’t a monolith and there is variation in how these categories are presented from theory to theory. Sometimes “Person” is literal and other times it includes any sentient thing, “places” aren’t always strictly physical locations, and the narrative framing of what “objects” are may shift. As such I will be taking the broadest interpretation of these categories as their definitions.
People will include animals and other sentient beings. Places will include metaphysical locations. Objects won’t need to be physical in nature. This is both the fairest I can be to all theories and also the strongest I can make this theory. The broader I can make these definitions, the more different ideas can be represented and the more wiggle room the CAT#s get.
What I’ll do next is run through all the incidents the show has mentioned and explain them as I see it. We’ll start with the ones that fit this theory well because they require little explanation. Then when that’s established we’ll talk about the places I think this theory falls down.
 

Which Incidents fit well?

CAT1:

CAT1RBC5257 Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret: There is something like a zombie in this incident. That’s something like a person and so fits well.
CAT1RB4824 Injury (Needles) -/- Intimidation: Needles is definitely a person, no question there.
CAT1RB2275 Mascot (Kids) -/- Murder: Bonzo walks, “talks”, and probably thinks. He’s a person.
CAT1B4728 Mascot (Kids) -/- Frenzy: Bonzo is still doing that stuff so is still a person.
CAT1RB4426 Transformation (Snake) -/-Horde: There was a person and they turned into snakes. Snakes count as people here too. Given the amount of snakes this is the most CAT1 CAT1.
CAT1RB-6451 Hunt (Aristocratic) -/- Compulsion: Lady M is the most person on this list.
CAT1RB1565 Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac: Definitely involves a person doing something supernatural.
 

CAT2:

CAT2C8175 Infection (Full Body) -/- Arboreal: This incident takes place in a time and space bending garden. Makes perfect sense for CAT2.
CAT2RB2377 Disappearance (Undetermined) -/- Invitation: A spooky theatre is a location for sure.
 

CAT3:

CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic: In this instance the object in question is the tattoo. Which I think is really stretching the definition of “object” but I’m still going to give it to the theory.
CAT3C7494 Collection (Blood) -/- Musical: A magical violin is definitely an object.
CAT3RB3354 Dice (Bone) -/- Fate: Bone dice are inarguably objects.
CAT3RB4622 Gambling (Application) -/- Murder: It’s another stretch to call an app an object but, again, happy to give it to the theory.
 

CAT23:

CAT23RAB2155 Transformation (Eyes) -/- Trespass: In this incident’s case the location is the Magnus Institute and the object is the box RedCanary stole. I think there are some problems with this one but there is enough to get through.
 

Which Incidents Don't?

CAT1:

CAT1RBC5257 Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret: You’re not misremembering, I did say this fit well. Because on the surface it really does make sense, but I think if you push just a little it makes very little sense. Why? Because any category you want to place this in is easily justified in the incident itself. There is a zombie-esque thing but also a Frankenstein-esque figure for CAT1. CAT 2 would be the location of the graveyard itself. It was chosen by the presumed creator of this zombie-like creature and is depicted similar to the one in Marked, a CAT23 incident. If this theory is correct and the Marked graveyard is supernatural I can’t see a reason to discount that possibility here. CAT3 fits too because the presumed creation method is that they were Frankenstein-ed which does require some sort of surgical apparatus. But whichever choice you make you’ve not really clarified the incident at all.
This issue is further seen in the methodology of assigning CAT#s.Objectively it has the same problem all objective assignments do. Reanimation implies there is going to be a reanimated person so restating that doesn’t add much. If we look at the subjective method then this is chosen largely at random. There isn’t enough of an indication in this incident to clearly state which CAT this is. So it’s neither helped in the assessment of the incident and doesn’t provide anything for response because all choices are justifiable.
 
CAT1RB4426 Transformation (Snake) -/- Horde: Not misremembering here either. There is a problem with this one in that it’s demonstrated to be an infection. This makes the source of the affliction basically unknowable. The source could qualify it for other CATs but the larger issue here is that what CAT1 means here and what it means elsewhere are not that comparable. Needles, Bonzo, and Lady M are all sentient and independent. The afflicted we see in this case are normal people until they get very rapidly sick, summon a portal to the snake dimension in their throats, and die. Which leaves CAT1 translating to “something in the rough shape of a person” which is a really wide range of interpretations. Which is something I feel has little practical utility in either assessing or responding to these incidents.
 
CAT1RB1565 Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac: Still not misremembering. While you can say that Ink5oul or Madame E are the person in this instance there is a major conflict here with CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic. If Daria’s transformation was CAT3 because tattoos are objects then there is no reasonable justification that this isn’t at least CAT13. It’s the same person, doing the same thing, to a very similar result but in a different CAT. The headers are entirely different, and so this/that may be misfiled, but it highlights a problem with Daria’s incident. If the incident with the Tattoo header isn’t an object then tattoos are probably not objects under this scheme.
If this is objective then this is always a person, or on people, which makes a great deal of sense. However if that’s the case then the objective method for Daria’s case sort of falls apart because there wasn’t really a secondary object there. Additionally, because all incidents with that case’s header being objects is a huge stretch. So if this incident, or that incident, is misfiled it doesn’t really matter. In either case (or even if both of them are misfiled), it largely disproves that tattoos are objects, creating a larger issue with that theory as it affects more than just this case. Subjectively as far as we’re aware Sam filed all three of the Ink5oul incidents. So he chose an object in Daria’s case but then opted against it here despite there being no real reason to that we can see. You could say that now Ink5oul has been in it more, he thinks Ink5oul has some sort of supernatural power themselves which makes them a CAT1; that would still make this CAT13 as episode 11 was CAT23.
 

CAT2:

CAT2RC1157 Dolls (Watching): This is a big one in my opinion. It’s not only the first incident we’re told about, but it's both Sam’s and our first exposure to an explanation of the OIAR’s filing system. It’s also one I see ignored in most of the posts that posit the Person/Place/Object theory. That is understandable as we don’t hear the incident itself but we do hear enough of it to show that there is a flaw in the theory.
What we hear about this incident is entirely focused on the doll itself and questions about its nature. It’s a split between Dolls (Watching) and Dolls (Human Skin) with the former being chosen as the latter is only implied. Dolls themselves are objects which would make this CAT3, and if the doll is sentient a CAT1. However, this is placed in CAT2 indicating that it's actually caused by the location in some respect. In order for that to make sense you have to make 3 major assumptions. Assumption 1: despite no indication in the conversation about this incident suggesting anything outside of the doll being strange there was actually a “haunted house”. Assumption 2: despite there being sections far more descriptive of locations—i.e Architecture—Dolls is more suited to this incident. Assumption 3: despite this being Sam’s/the audience’s first exposure to this system it leaves out the real source of the incident when, narratively, this is an explanation of it. Those are some fairly major assumptions to make to justify a theory.
This also has issues with either method of assigning CAT#s. If CAT# is objective then every Dolls (Watching) is actually a location. Unlike with something like Reanimation (Partial) that doesn't make much sense as dolls themselves are objects. In the subjective method, Alice assigned this as a location but their discussion of it centred solely on an object and she didn't explain to Sam why she did it.
 
CAT2RC3338 Agglomeration (Miscellany) -/- Congregation: This might be my favourite example of issues I have with this theory. To explain it we’ll look at this from both the objective and subjective methods while taking into account outside knowledge of the show from an audience perspective.
Everyone I’ve seen posit this theory attributes CAT2 to Hilltop here.They do this solely because of TMA. There is nothing in this episode that makes Hilltop out to be anything special in any way. But because Hilltop is special in TMA the audience is primed to view this location as special. It may very well be but there is no reason to think that. In fact, I’d argue there's reason to think otherwise based on this episode, but that is a little off topic for this essay. However from an objective perspective it can’t take Hilltop into account because not every header of this sort will take place in Hilltop. They could only manifest at special locations but that seems like a stretch. If it is true, why does this unique combination of words not include a word that describes it as a location? Subjectively it could be a misfile. Celia would be the only person who knows what Hilltop is in TMA— assuming some of the theories on her are correct—but that doesn’t make Hilltop important in and of itself. It also means she ignored large parts of this incident when filing it just to focus on that element. As this case is the one Alice uses to teach Celia the system with, then this also relies on Alice knowing or not correcting Celia. In either scenario this case is full of people of definite supernatural quality, lacks a location of supernatural quality, but has 100s of objects of dubious supernatural quality. Something doesn’t make sense here if this theory is correct.
 
CAT2RBC3366 Architecture (Liminal) -/- Hunger: This one is interesting because it shows a flaw not in the theory per se but in the methodology as a whole if the theory is correct. If CAT# is what the theory says it is why is this just CAT2? It being CAT2 at all is redundant when its header describes a location but in this incident we see it’s populated by supernatural creatures. I call them Uncannybals—as should you—and they’re monsters living in the shadow realm. That seems like very important information to include. So it should be CAT12 as there are both people and a place. The OIAR methodology already has the problem that you can’t include multiple headers but CAT#s, if they worked like this, could be used to alleviate that issue. The way it’s implemented here just makes it virtually pointless to include at all.
 

CAT3:

CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic: This was largely already covered. So simply put if Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic is an object because of the tattoo, and Tattoo (Corpse) -/- Compulsion is an object because of the tattoo, but Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac isn’t an object despite being virtually identical to this case then CAT3 doesn't mean object.
The method problems are the same as above too. Now this case is the one most likely of the three to be misfiled. So you could say that Daria's case is misfiled and would actually be CAT1 if filed correctly. Tattoos aren’t objects, this case is a mistake. Then you could explain that Marked is CAT23 because corpses are objects (so 13 if he was alive). Objectively this header always being CAT3 still poses problems because we know there are Transformations that don’t require objects. Which brings us back to the problem of “why are the headers so bad at describing these things?”. If it’s subjective Sam decided that object instead of person made more sense here. Seemingly based on the fact that there is a tattoo. Later on he changed his mind about this but choosing it in the first place seems like a stretch. If he knew what these things meant in order to choose them, object seems like a very unobvious choice.
 

CAT23:

CAT23RC5246 Tattoo (Corpse) -/- Compulsion: This one is fairly clear to me. I’m going to be very generous and suggest that the corpse here is the object based on the above. The reason this one is a problem is that there wasn’t a location here. I’ve seen people say that it must be the graveyard but that’s confirmation bias IMO. It wasn’t a large feature of the episode, didn’t do anything coastal graveyards don’t do, and had no overt supernatural properties to it. I don’t personally think anyone would categorise this as CAT23 based on the incident alone but because CAT23 people will justify it to fit. That’s not inherently a problem because sometimes you have to make assumptions but given all of the above I don’t think that assumption is a reasonable one to make.
Objectively all compelling corpse tattoos are found in magical graveyards—or morgues, tombs, goth bars, and other corpse hangouts—and I think we can all agree that’s sort of wack. Subjectively Sam decided the graveyard was magic despite there being nothing to suggest that.
 

Klaus’ CAT#s:

This is a bit of a special section. I briefly mention Klaus in the intro but I didn’t mention that some of the incidents we’ve heard have been found on the Klaus sheet. The canonicity of these aren’t 100% and I would say the show takes precedent so this is supplemental rather than definitive. I think I’ve more than shown that this theory doesn’t hold up. This is more of an academic exercise.
The big thing to know here is that Kluas’ cases lack headers entirely but that some Klaus cases have notes and it’s these notes attached. It’s only one’s with those notes I’m interested in for this because of how they relate to things we’ve heard. One case is CAT3RBC1567 with the note “tinte”. CAT3RBC1567 is Daria’s case and “tinte” is German for “ink”. So this is very likely that case. There are 4 other cases with that note and they’re two CAT1s, a CAT3, and a CAT13. So even if Daria’s case is misfiled not all of those are the correct CAT# for that assumption. There are also two CAT1s and a CAT2 marked “Herr B”, which is “Mr B” in English. These aren’t tied to a Bonzo case we’ve heard yet but one of them does take place in Bland Theme Park, Somerset. That’s not definitively Bonzo but it’s a good hint at it.
Additionally there are 6 CAT2 cases that have the note “Katzen LOL” or “Cats LOL” which you’d expect to be CAT1s if there are cats involved. In a similar vein there are one CAT1 and five CAT2s marked “Kreigsvolk” which is literally “War People” but more likely “Army” or “Soldiers”. Again, you’d expect more CAT1s if CAT1 is people.
I’m not saying any of the above is the backbone of my reasoning here but these are things that are showing up in the show and they do seem to be pointing the same direction as what I’m saying. Ignoring them entirely I think the theory doesn’t hold up but with them I think it’s very clear.
 

Conclusion

I don’t have much of a wrap up here. Anyone who’s been reading my posts for a while has known that I’ve never thought this theory worked. It’s not something I ever get too deep into because I’m also obviously happy for people to have ideas I disagree with, as am I happy for them to disagree with my ideas. That’s just healthy theorising. I’d been considering writing this for a while though but was mostly held back by not wanting to come across as some sort of arbiter of what is and isn’t correct, and didn’t want to seem like I was calling anyone out specifically. However a few people now said they wanted to see this and there are enough instances of parallel thought on this theory that it’s impossible for me to really single people out now. So here we are.
Just to reiterate for people that did/do believe this theory I don’t think anyone was stupid and/or wrong for thinking it. I hope if the above has convinced you that I’m right about it that you’re not dissuaded from making and sharing future theories. I’ve have 3 or 4 terrible CAT# theories and a few R# theories too. My current ideas on DPHW and R# might be awfully wrong in the long run and that’ll be okay.
That’s me anyway, hope this was at the very least an interesting read if it didn’t manage to be a convincing one. Bonzo! Bonzo!! Bonzo!!!

Hi, I’m bonzos-number-1-fan You might know me from such theories as; "Theory of Fears; or, Zur Furchtlehre", "What R# Means: The ABCs of Fear" or, "Padlocks, How Do They Even Work?".
I’m back with another essay about this show. Today’s subject is a little different from previous ones. Rather than explaining what I think something in this show is, I’ll be explaining what I think it isn’t. What I’m going to be talking about is the very popular theory that CAT1/2/3 means the supernatural aspect is a Person/Place/Object.
Because I’m talking about other people’s ideas here I do want to start off by saying I understand why this theory is attractive and I don’t think anyone is stupid or anything for believing it. I just personally think there are angles from which it doesn’t work and that the sum of them makes it fairly certain to be untrue. I could be very wrong about that, and my other theories, or I could be very right. I don’t think either scenario matters much. This essay isn’t about being right but about talking about a big thing in the community. I just happen to not believe this one and people have signalled interest in hearing why.
So with all that out of the way I’m going to start by establishing the terminology being used. Then I’ll break down what this theory is positing and follow it up with the ways I think it does and doesn’t work. That’s basically it but with 16 episodes and supplemental material to cover it’s still not going to be terribly short.
Huge thanks to @brettanomycroft for proof reading/editing this madness.

Spoilers for The Magnus Protocol up to and including episode 16.

 

What is a CAT#?

A CAT# is the first 4-5 characters of an OIAR's incident report header. While these are not often referenced in the main body of the show, each incident we hear is accompanied by one in the show's description and transcript. As an example this is the case number for the first incident of episode 1.

CAT1RBC5257-12052022-09012024

Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret [Email]

The first line is the case number. CAT1 is this incident's CAT#. The RBC (R#/Rank) and 5257 (DPHW) have been topics I've discussed in essays I linked at the start. The second line is the header and is formatted “Section (Subsection) -/- Crosslink [Format]”. CAT#s is all we're concerning ourselves with today but I will be using this terminology going forward.
Now we know what they look like, what is it we know about them? Well, not much at all. From the show itself we know there are CAT1s, CAT2s, CAT3s and CAT23s. From the Klaus excel sheet that was found as part of the ARG (and can be found here) we also know there are CAT12s and CAT13s. With that information we can say with some certainty that CAT1, CAT2, and CAT3 are non-mutually exclusive groupings. It's very likely not a linear scale of some description—i.e CAT23 isn't between CAT2 and CAT3—because CAT13 doesn't fit such a scale. Which means that where there are two numbers in a CAT# that incident likely fits both groups rather than being a new group. This also strongly implies that an incident could be CAT123 although we have yet to see that demonstrated.
We also know that CAT is short for "Category". In the Klaus sheet these numbers are located in the "Kategorie" column. "Kategorie" being German for "category". This unfortunately doesn't tell us anything we didn't already know. CAT#s denote some form of grouping.
There is only one other fact we know about CAT#s and that's this:

ALICE
Right, so, after each entry there's four numbers. That’s the DPHW. So, “dolls comma watching” is… 1157. Then you cross reference with the table here, that would be a 2-C, and then you type that into the box here, along with date of incident if there is one and today’s date.

Which is not a lot to go on at all but it does raise an important question. How is a CAT# assigned? There are two major assumptions you could make here. The first is the “objective method” and that it’s a factor of either the section, subject, DPHW or a combination thereof. This means that they are pre-assigned in the same way that DPHWs are. This method has an inherent trait in that it means every header manifests as the same sort of thing. While it’s not a problem to say that every Doll (Watching) is the same— that could just be the rules of the setting—it does make CAT# itself somewhat redundant. The terminology of the headers will often describe something inherent about the CAT#. We have a CAT3 case that’s Dice (Bone) -/- Fate but dice are objects so why would you need to restate that?
The second is the “subjective method” in which the assessor chooses the CAT# based on the incident itself. The subjective method has a larger assumption built into it in that they know what CAT#s are. They don’t know what DPHW is and have shown no indication of knowing what CAT# is either. So I’d say it’s less likely that CAT#s are subjective rather than objective. However, for the purposes of this essay I will assume that both are as likely to be true as each other and will refer to them both. Different cases show different flaws when one of these is true over the other, so both will get discussed.
 

What is Person/Place/Object?

Person/Place/Object is the theory that the three single digit CAT#s stand for Person, Place, and Object respectively. Combinations of these digits represent that an incident falls into each category. A CAT1 incident indicates that the supernatural element of an incident is a person in some respect, while a CAT23 would indicate both a place and an object.
As I have mentioned this isn’t a theory with a single theorist or origin to point to. As such this theory isn’t a monolith and there is variation in how these categories are presented from theory to theory. Sometimes “Person” is literal and other times it includes any sentient thing, “places” aren’t always strictly physical locations, and the narrative framing of what “objects” are may shift. As such I will be taking the broadest interpretation of these categories as their definitions.
People will include animals and other sentient beings. Places will include metaphysical locations. Objects won’t need to be physical in nature. This is both the fairest I can be to all theories and also the strongest I can make this theory. The broader I can make these definitions, the more different ideas can be represented and the more wiggle room the CAT#s get.
What I’ll do next is run through all the incidents the show has mentioned and explain them as I see it. We’ll start with the ones that fit this theory well because they require little explanation. Then when that’s established we’ll talk about the places I think this theory falls down.
 

Which Incidents fit well?

CAT1:

CAT1RBC5257 Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret: There is something like a zombie in this incident. That’s something like a person and so fits well.
CAT1RB4824 Injury (Needles) -/- Intimidation: Needles is definitely a person, no question there.
CAT1RB2275 Mascot (Kids) -/- Murder: Bonzo walks, “talks”, and probably thinks. He’s a person.
CAT1B4728 Mascot (Kids) -/- Frenzy: Bonzo is still doing that stuff so is still a person.
CAT1RB4426 Transformation (Snake) -/-Horde: There was a person and they turned into snakes. Snakes count as people here too. Given the amount of snakes this is the most CAT1 CAT1.
CAT1RB-6451 Hunt (Aristocratic) -/- Compulsion: Lady M is the most person on this list.
CAT1RB1565 Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac: Definitely involves a person doing something supernatural.
 

CAT2:

CAT2C8175 Infection (Full Body) -/- Arboreal: This incident takes place in a time and space bending garden. Makes perfect sense for CAT2.
CAT2RB2377 Disappearance (Undetermined) -/- Invitation: A spooky theatre is a location for sure.
 

CAT3:

CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic: In this instance the object in question is the tattoo. Which I think is really stretching the definition of “object” but I’m still going to give it to the theory.
CAT3C7494 Collection (Blood) -/- Musical: A magical violin is definitely an object.
CAT3RB3354 Dice (Bone) -/- Fate: Bone dice are inarguably objects.
CAT3RB4622 Gambling (Application) -/- Murder: It’s another stretch to call an app an object but, again, happy to give it to the theory.
 

CAT23:

CAT23RAB2155 Transformation (Eyes) -/- Trespass: In this incident’s case the location is the Magnus Institute and the object is the box RedCanary stole. I think there are some problems with this one but there is enough to get through.
 

Which Incidents Don't?

CAT1:

CAT1RBC5257 Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret: You’re not misremembering, I did say this fit well. Because on the surface it really does make sense, but I think if you push just a little it makes very little sense. Why? Because any category you want to place this in is easily justified in the incident itself. There is a zombie-esque thing but also a Frankenstein-esque figure for CAT1. CAT 2 would be the location of the graveyard itself. It was chosen by the presumed creator of this zombie-like creature and is depicted similar to the one in Marked, a CAT23 incident. If this theory is correct and the Marked graveyard is supernatural I can’t see a reason to discount that possibility here. CAT3 fits too because the presumed creation method is that they were Frankenstein-ed which does require some sort of surgical apparatus. But whichever choice you make you’ve not really clarified the incident at all.
This issue is further seen in the methodology of assigning CAT#s.Objectively it has the same problem all objective assignments do. Reanimation implies there is going to be a reanimated person so restating that doesn’t add much. If we look at the subjective method then this is chosen largely at random. There isn’t enough of an indication in this incident to clearly state which CAT this is. So it’s neither helped in the assessment of the incident and doesn’t provide anything for response because all choices are justifiable.
 
CAT1RB4426 Transformation (Snake) -/- Horde: Not misremembering here either. There is a problem with this one in that it’s demonstrated to be an infection. This makes the source of the affliction basically unknowable. The source could qualify it for other CATs but the larger issue here is that what CAT1 means here and what it means elsewhere are not that comparable. Needles, Bonzo, and Lady M are all sentient and independent. The afflicted we see in this case are normal people until they get very rapidly sick, summon a portal to the snake dimension in their throats, and die. Which leaves CAT1 translating to “something in the rough shape of a person” which is a really wide range of interpretations. Which is something I feel has little practical utility in either assessing or responding to these incidents.
 
CAT1RB1565 Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac: Still not misremembering. While you can say that Ink5oul or Madame E are the person in this instance there is a major conflict here with CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic. If Daria’s transformation was CAT3 because tattoos are objects then there is no reasonable justification that this isn’t at least CAT13. It’s the same person, doing the same thing, to a very similar result but in a different CAT. The headers are entirely different, and so this/that may be misfiled, but it highlights a problem with Daria’s incident. If the incident with the Tattoo header isn’t an object then tattoos are probably not objects under this scheme.
If this is objective then this is always a person, or on people, which makes a great deal of sense. However if that’s the case then the objective method for Daria’s case sort of falls apart because there wasn’t really a secondary object there. Additionally, because all incidents with that case’s header being objects is a huge stretch. So if this incident, or that incident, is misfiled it doesn’t really matter. In either case (or even if both of them are misfiled), it largely disproves that tattoos are objects, creating a larger issue with that theory as it affects more than just this case. Subjectively as far as we’re aware Sam filed all three of the Ink5oul incidents. So he chose an object in Daria’s case but then opted against it here despite there being no real reason to that we can see. You could say that now Ink5oul has been in it more, he thinks Ink5oul has some sort of supernatural power themselves which makes them a CAT1; that would still make this CAT13 as episode 11 was CAT23.
 

CAT2:

CAT2RC1157 Dolls (Watching): This is a big one in my opinion. It’s not only the first incident we’re told about, but it's both Sam’s and our first exposure to an explanation of the OIAR’s filing system. It’s also one I see ignored in most of the posts that posit the Person/Place/Object theory. That is understandable as we don’t hear the incident itself but we do hear enough of it to show that there is a flaw in the theory.
What we hear about this incident is entirely focused on the doll itself and questions about its nature. It’s a split between Dolls (Watching) and Dolls (Human Skin) with the former being chosen as the latter is only implied. Dolls themselves are objects which would make this CAT3, and if the doll is sentient a CAT1. However, this is placed in CAT2 indicating that it's actually caused by the location in some respect. In order for that to make sense you have to make 3 major assumptions. Assumption 1: despite no indication in the conversation about this incident suggesting anything outside of the doll being strange there was actually a “haunted house”. Assumption 2: despite there being sections far more descriptive of locations—i.e Architecture—Dolls is more suited to this incident. Assumption 3: despite this being Sam’s/the audience’s first exposure to this system it leaves out the real source of the incident when, narratively, this is an explanation of it. Those are some fairly major assumptions to make to justify a theory.
This also has issues with either method of assigning CAT#s. If CAT# is objective then every Dolls (Watching) is actually a location. Unlike with something like Reanimation (Partial) that doesn't make much sense as dolls themselves are objects. In the subjective method, Alice assigned this as a location but their discussion of it centred solely on an object and she didn't explain to Sam why she did it.
 
CAT2RC3338 Agglomeration (Miscellany) -/- Congregation: This might be my favourite example of issues I have with this theory. To explain it we’ll look at this from both the objective and subjective methods while taking into account outside knowledge of the show from an audience perspective.
Everyone I’ve seen posit this theory attributes CAT2 to Hilltop here.They do this solely because of TMA. There is nothing in this episode that makes Hilltop out to be anything special in any way. But because Hilltop is special in TMA the audience is primed to view this location as special. It may very well be but there is no reason to think that. In fact, I’d argue there's reason to think otherwise based on this episode, but that is a little off topic for this essay. However from an objective perspective it can’t take Hilltop into account because not every header of this sort will take place in Hilltop. They could only manifest at special locations but that seems like a stretch. If it is true, why does this unique combination of words not include a word that describes it as a location? Subjectively it could be a misfile. Celia would be the only person who knows what Hilltop is in TMA— assuming some of the theories on her are correct—but that doesn’t make Hilltop important in and of itself. It also means she ignored large parts of this incident when filing it just to focus on that element. As this case is the one Alice uses to teach Celia the system with, then this also relies on Alice knowing or not correcting Celia. In either scenario this case is full of people of definite supernatural quality, lacks a location of supernatural quality, but has 100s of objects of dubious supernatural quality. Something doesn’t make sense here if this theory is correct.
 
CAT2RBC3366 Architecture (Liminal) -/- Hunger: This one is interesting because it shows a flaw not in the theory per se but in the methodology as a whole if the theory is correct. If CAT# is what the theory says it is why is this just CAT2? It being CAT2 at all is redundant when its header describes a location but in this incident we see it’s populated by supernatural creatures. I call them Uncannybals—as should you—and they’re monsters living in the shadow realm. That seems like very important information to include. So it should be CAT12 as there are both people and a place. The OIAR methodology already has the problem that you can’t include multiple headers but CAT#s, if they worked like this, could be used to alleviate that issue. The way it’s implemented here just makes it virtually pointless to include at all.
 

CAT3:

CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic: This was largely already covered. So simply put if Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic is an object because of the tattoo, and Tattoo (Corpse) -/- Compulsion is an object because of the tattoo, but Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac isn’t an object despite being virtually identical to this case then CAT3 doesn't mean object.
The method problems are the same as above too. Now this case is the one most likely of the three to be misfiled. So you could say that Daria's case is misfiled and would actually be CAT1 if filed correctly. Tattoos aren’t objects, this case is a mistake. Then you could explain that Marked is CAT23 because corpses are objects (so 13 if he was alive). Objectively this header always being CAT3 still poses problems because we know there are Transformations that don’t require objects. Which brings us back to the problem of “why are the headers so bad at describing these things?”. If it’s subjective Sam decided that object instead of person made more sense here. Seemingly based on the fact that there is a tattoo. Later on he changed his mind about this but choosing it in the first place seems like a stretch. If he knew what these things meant in order to choose them, object seems like a very unobvious choice.
 

CAT23:

CAT23RC5246 Tattoo (Corpse) -/- Compulsion: This one is fairly clear to me. I’m going to be very generous and suggest that the corpse here is the object based on the above. The reason this one is a problem is that there wasn’t a location here. I’ve seen people say that it must be the graveyard but that’s confirmation bias IMO. It wasn’t a large feature of the episode, didn’t do anything coastal graveyards don’t do, and had no overt supernatural properties to it. I don’t personally think anyone would categorise this as CAT23 based on the incident alone but because CAT23 people will justify it to fit. That’s not inherently a problem because sometimes you have to make assumptions but given all of the above I don’t think that assumption is a reasonable one to make.
Objectively all compelling corpse tattoos are found in magical graveyards—or morgues, tombs, goth bars, and other corpse hangouts—and I think we can all agree that’s sort of wack. Subjectively Sam decided the graveyard was magic despite there being nothing to suggest that.
 

Klaus’ CAT#s:

This is a bit of a special section. I briefly mention Klaus in the intro but I didn’t mention that some of the incidents we’ve heard have been found on the Klaus sheet. The canonicity of these aren’t 100% and I would say the show takes precedent so this is supplemental rather than definitive. I think I’ve more than shown that this theory doesn’t hold up. This is more of an academic exercise.
The big thing to know here is that Kluas’ cases lack headers entirely but that some Klaus cases have notes and it’s these notes attached. It’s only one’s with those notes I’m interested in for this because of how they relate to things we’ve heard. One case is CAT3RBC1567 with the note “tinte”. CAT3RBC1567 is Daria’s case and “tinte” is German for “ink”. So this is very likely that case. There are 4 other cases with that note and they’re two CAT1s, a CAT3, and a CAT13. So even if Daria’s case is misfiled not all of those are the correct CAT# for that assumption. There are also two CAT1s and a CAT2 marked “Herr B”, which is “Mr B” in English. These aren’t tied to a Bonzo case we’ve heard yet but one of them does take place in Bland Theme Park, Somerset. That’s not definitively Bonzo but it’s a good hint at it.
Additionally there are 6 CAT2 cases that have the note “Katzen LOL” or “Cats LOL” which you’d expect to be CAT1s if there are cats involved. In a similar vein there are one CAT1 and five CAT2s marked “Kreigsvolk” which is literally “War People” but more likely “Army” or “Soldiers”. Again, you’d expect more CAT1s if CAT1 is people.
I’m not saying any of the above is the backbone of my reasoning here but these are things that are showing up in the show and they do seem to be pointing the same direction as what I’m saying. Ignoring them entirely I think the theory doesn’t hold up but with them I think it’s very clear.
 

Conclusion

I don’t have much of a wrap up here. Anyone who’s been reading my posts for a while has known that I’ve never thought this theory worked. It’s not something I ever get too deep into because I’m also obviously happy for people to have ideas I disagree with, as am I happy for them to disagree with my ideas. That’s just healthy theorising. I’d been considering writing this for a while though but was mostly held back by not wanting to come across as some sort of arbiter of what is and isn’t correct, and didn’t want to seem like I was calling anyone out specifically. However a few people now said they wanted to see this and there are enough instances of parallel thought on this theory that it’s impossible for me to really single people out now. So here we are.
Just to reiterate for people that did/do believe this theory I don’t think anyone was stupid and/or wrong for thinking it. I hope if the above has convinced you that I’m right about it that you’re not dissuaded from making and sharing future theories. I’ve have 3 or 4 terrible CAT# theories and a few R# theories too. My current ideas on DPHW and R# might be awfully wrong in the long run and that’ll be okay.
That’s me anyway, hope this was at the very least an interesting read if it didn’t manage to be a convincing one. Bonzo! Bonzo!! Bonzo!!!

What originally began as just an idea and a small spark has flourished into a sizable fire overnight. Yesterday, on May 20th, there were just a few ideas floating around, and quite a bit of pressure to keep them going. Now, not only have there been more and more discussions, posts, and tweets about #FixTF2, several creators have stepped up and announced that more information on the movement will be released on the 26th of May, the 2 year anniversary of the initial #SaveTF2 movement. To reiterate; INFORMATION will be released. THIS IS NOT THE DAY OF THE ACTUAL EVENT. Shork and Solarlight, and presumably several others, are seemingly going to be the spearheading the movement, at least judging from what can be gathered from tweets and posts. Shork has announced that, on the 26th, further information as to what the movement will involve, what we will be trying to achieve, etc. will be released. Again, THIS IS NOT THE DAY OF THE ACTUAL EVENT. As of the time of writing, this is all we know.
Though coordinated efforts and a clear goal play a part in a successful campaign, a clear motive is most important. Though we may think we know what we want, each of us has a different idea as to how we want to best benefit our game. Some may want to throw bricks through the windows at Valve; others will want to simply raise awareness of the issue until it reaches Gabe's ears. Others will simply sit on their hands in defeat. Therefore, it is up to content creators and prominent figures in our community to lead us, and to find the right middle-ground as to what we all want, to best benefit our game.
In the meantime, the TF2 Community MUST NOT GIVE UP HOPE! We love this game, and we WILL do anything it takes to save it! However, we will not accomplish anything if no one knows about what it is we're doing! So tell people! Spread the word! MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE, and be HEARD. Though some people may not care to listen, and some others will put you down and humiliate you, you MUST find the strength to KEEP GOING, until you find those who DO care, and DO want to help you. Find those who are open minded, and those who are willing to listen, and those who love this game just as much as you do, and tell them about this movement. After all, if no one knows about it, how will we have any support for it? It's true, at the moment we have no coordination, and no, we have no defined motive amongst ourselves. But we know that our game is broken, and we know we must find a way to fix it. And we must enlighten those who don't know, and those willing to listen. Because if we ever want anything to ever get done, we need as many people to help us achieve it as we can.

About myself:
I'm a remote, freelance, programmer who's returning to (preferably 2D) game programming after a hiatus (and as such my rates would most-definitely be described as "indie-friendly"..!); whilst I'm located in England, I've programmed projects for clients located in a number of other countries; and I have no problem working on "NSFW" projects.
My previous experience:
I've over ten years experience of programming games; the projects that I've worked on include (but are most-definitely not limited to):

• The Doors of Trithius (Steam), a Rogue-like -- I programmed (in Java) additional- and revamped existing- procedurally-generated rooms and dungeons, programmed additional quests, and fixed bugs.
  
• Topsy Turvy (iOS; YouTube), a puzzle-platformer -- I was the sole programmer on the project, and programmed (in C++) the game from scratch.
  
• shivering kittens (Mac OS X; YouTube), a "block-matching" puzzle game -- I was the sole programmer on the project, and programmed (in C++) the game from scratch.
  

My skills and how I program projects:
The following are the languages I typically use when programming projects:

• C
• C++
• Java
• Lua
• Pascal
• and Python

-- and the following are the APIs I typically use when programming projects:

• SDL (I'm also the creator of the "SDL2 joystick interrogator" utility)
• and OpenGL

I enjoy writing efficient programs, so I've typically written custom engines for the projects that I've worked on.
If you think that I may be the right programmer for your project, or if you'd like to discuss your project with me, please feel free to send me a message through Discord ( grasping_at_a_flame#2065 ), email ( grasping_at_a_flame@sealfin.com ), or reddit.
Ps. A relevant interest:
I've an interest in competitive programming, and -- amongst other achievements -- I've solved over fifty of the problems posed by Project Euler (including solving one of those problems on a platform with a 4 MHz 8 bit processor and 32 KB of RAM -- no, there are no typos in that sentence..!), and over one hundred of the problems posed by CodeAbbey; I think that my most-notable achievement in competitive programming is my participation in the Advent Programming Contest 2013 organised (with support from Alpen-Adria-Universitat Klagenfurt) by IEEE Student Branch Klagenfurt, in which I achieved a rank of 10^th (out of 155) for programming (in Java) solutions to eighteen (out of twenty-four) of the problems posed by that contest.

I feel like I have seen too many people decrying Maruyama, his writing, and his work. Frankly, I'm sick of it.
I understand that we are upset and sad that he has expressed his desire to end the series early because of the pressures of continuing working on such a large project. I know we just want answers and to see the world be fully developed. I also want that because I love the world he made. Of course I want to see all of the plot threads come to fruition in clever, interesting ways.
But every time I read a post or comment about the story there are so many people that seem so pessimistic. I've seen people say: "Who gives a shit, he won't finish it anyway." "Just another wasted plot thread." "His writing is/was/has been getting bad/worse." So many people trash talk the newer books and focus on the flaws in the anime. But what story is perfect? Plot holes and rough edges are something we deal with so regularly in other shows. And who cares? I'm just glad I have gotten as much of the story as I have.
I've been an Overlord fan since it's earliest days and I remember finally seeing the first season of the anime drop and loving it. For so long I thought we would never get a second season and now we have four. Are some seasons better than others? I'd say no but reasonable people can disagree. And being okay with other people's preferences is an important part of enjoying and supporting the community as a whole. Accepting that some prefer the anime, others the light novels, some the web novel, helps promote growth in the community and can lead to more support in the future.
Our support is not a small part of what keeps the story going. When Maruyama found out that he was being massively undercut in the north American market by pirating/unofficial translations/knockoff products it was disheartening and I don't blame him for feeling that way. He poured so much time and effort into making this story he deserves to be successful and get paid for his work. I read the fan translations because I felt they did a better job than Yen Press but I still bought every book they put out. I get my official copies so I can support the success of the entire industry that produces the things we all say we want like the anime, movie, books, collectibles, crossovers, etc.
It also seems that no one has considered that he might still finish the majority of his vision, including the plot threads that we are currently missing. He may finish the book series early, oversee the other productions for the story, and then continue writing. Side stories, single volume releases, creating an anthology, and continuing to make stat books and other materials for us might be his ultimate goal. I've seen a lot of creators get burnt out by the demands of Japan's brutal work pace. If he finishes quickly, calls it "quits," and then continues afterward with a different approach, I think it could be successful. Will he? Won't he? I don't know the future but I'm hopeful that his labor of love will keep him working on the ideas that captured his imagination and led him to create the Overlord franchise.
Maruyama's story is my favorite story ever, bar none. It's core themes and concepts speak to me. The inspiration for Overlord being the loss of his TTRPG group hits at a personal level for me. At the end of the day, I cannot properly express how deeply I appreciate that Overlord exists. So to hear it and the creator insulted so commonly and with such little thought enrages me. We don't know what the future will hold but if we don't continue to give Maruyama a reason to feel passionate about the story, it will kill our hopes faster than anything else could.

Wife picks out Responsive Impact Artisan SPC (ART103 specifically) flooring for me to install this weekend on top of a concrete slab with future hot water heat installed. The tubes are there, we may or may not actually hook it up to a heater someday.
Here’s the issue.
Responsive emails me the installation instructions for LVP, which says glue using a full spread vinyl adhesive if using on heated slab.
SPC instructions from their website says can be installed over heated slab, request detailed instructions from Responsive. It also says if there is an attached foam pad, you cannot glue it. This floor has a foam pad.
Retailer didn’t know if I should glue or not, so she called the area rep for Responsive. He says no glue, just turn on the heat and increment 2 degrees per day and no hotter than 85 degrees. This is second hand over the phone, so trying to get something in writing.
So I’m extremely confused.
Do you pros ever glue a SPC floor with foam pad to a heated slab?
If you do, wet set or pressure sensitive method?
I want to make sure I don’t potentially screw myself or the next owner down the road if the heated floor is ever used.
Last, I can rent one of those fancy guillotine cutter from Home Depot for $120 a week, or $95 for the three day weekend coming up.
Is it worth the $120, or just score and snap?
Thanks!

When I released web-view 6 months ago, I said I was "weeks" away from releasing a framework for interactive web apps built on top of it. Well it's been 26 weeks, and it's finally ready!
Hyperbole makes it easy to create fully interactive HTML applications with type-safe serverside Haskell. It's inspired by HTMX, Elm, and Phoenix LiveView

• Hackage
• Github

Motivation
I've been a web developer since before "Ajax". I rode the wave of Single Page Applications (SPAs) and loved how interactive we could make things. I've written fancy apps in React and Elm. But ultimately SPAs mean writing two applications, a Javascript client and a server, plus an API between them. They're a huge pain to write and maintain. I missed serverside web apps.
Instead of an SPA, Hyperbole allows us instead to write a single Haskell program which runs exclusively on the server. All user interactions are sent to the server for processing, and a sub-section of the page is updated with the resulting HTML.
There are frameworks that support this in different ways, including HTMX, Phoenix LiveView, and others. Hyperbole has the following advantages

1. 100% Haskell
2. Type safe views, actions, routes, and forms
3. Elegant interface with little boilerplate
4. VirtualDOM updates over sockets, fallback to HTTP
5. Easy to use

Like HTMX, Hyperbole extends the capability of UI elements, but it uses Haskell's type-system to prevent common errors and provide default functionality. Specifically, a page has multiple update targets called HyperViews. These are automatically targeted by any UI element that triggers an action inside them. The compiler makes sure that actions and targets match.
Like Phoenix LiveView, it upgrades the page to a WebSocket connection and uses VirtualDOM for live updates
Like Elm, it relies on an update function to handle actions, but greatly simplifies the Elm Architecture by handling state with extensible effects. forms are easy to use with minimal boilerplate
Depends heavily on the following frameworks

• Effectful
• Web View

Simple Example

{-# LANGUAGE DeriveAnyClass #-} {-# LANGUAGE OverloadedStrings #-} {-# LANGUAGE TypeFamilies #-} import Web.Hyperbole main = do run 3000 $ do liveApp (basicDocument "Example") (page mainPage) mainPage = do handle message load $ do pure $ do el bold "My Page" hyper (Message 1) $ messageView "Hello" hyper (Message 2) $ messageView "World!" data Message = Message Int deriving (Generic, Param) data MessageAction = Louder Text deriving (Generic, Param) instance HyperView Message where type Action Message = MessageAction message :: Message -> MessageAction -> Eff es (View Message ()) message _ (Louder m) = do let new = m <> "!" pure $ messageView new messageView :: Text -> View Message () messageView m = do el_ $ text m button (Louder m) id "Louder" 

Learn More
Hackage has a better intro and good docs
Examples demonstrating different features
Feedback
Any questions and comments appreciated! Please let me know if anything isn't clear from the docs.

We've had a great experience with Cambridge Friends School. I would recommend CFS to anyone whose child would be a good fit for a relaxed environment that focuses on social justice, consideration for others, and working toward personal goals. Children can work on their strengths, yet receive support in areas where they may struggle. Teachers are quick to identify when a student is having difficulty, and also give praise when a student does something laudable that might not be considered "school work"--helping a classmate, offering a helpful comment, or making a suggestion for class rules.
The school embodies its mission and its message. The focus on peace and community is evident every day. The school is housed in an older building, but it's a cheerful building with the decorations on the wall and the big grins on so many students, staff members, and parents alike. It's not at all a flashy place, but that's in keeping with Simplicity: don't emphasize material stuff.
The staff are welcoming, warm, and helpful. Social gatherings with families are relaxed and fun, and it's easy to jump into meaningful conversations.
The acting head of school is cheerful, hard working, and engaged. She's easy to talk to, and she has deep ties to the school. Whether or not the school board offers her the position as "full" head of school rather than "acting," I hope she stays for years to come. If she is offered the position, and if it makes sense for her, then I hope she accepts.
Independent schools around Boston have different personalities, and generally you get a sense of that personality in one visit. Some schools feel more formal, and for some families and students that may be great. Other schools have huge campuses, with whole buildings dedicated to STEM, theater, art, or sports. Yet other schools pack a lot into a very small space. Cambridge Friends feels the same to me as it did the first time we stepped inside. I breathe easy when I'm there.
Before we joined Cambridge Friends we'd heard so many good things about Cambridge Friends from our friends, from neighbors, and even from one of our doctors. We're happy to be part of the community, and hope others take the chance to look into it.
I wrote this post partly because an older, negative post about the school caught some attention. That post was misleading, and arguably libelous.
As a member of the local community, and in the spirit of being a good neighbor, I'd suggest that the creator of that post seek help from a mental health professional. The misrepresentations and conspiratorial writing of the post suggest to me that, at the time the post was written, the author may have been going through a difficult time. The account was suspended [by moderators]--not deleted, as the author implied would happen. Comments written in a similarly harsh, negative tone appear to have been written by the original poster using a sock puppet account.* The second account was created only after the original post, and the only comments from that second account were replies in that one post, and nowhere else.
Rather than address every point in that post, as I'd originally planned to do, it was (I hope!) more helpful to create a positive post about a school that is important to us.
(*My account name is intended as a joke, and the account predates this discussion by a year.)

I personally watch a lot of content in regard to story writing, and I'm curious about whose are your favorites among these content creators (and might we find same ones). My top 3 is: Abbie Emmons Monitor Comics Jed Herne

NOTE: I posted this elsewhere yesterday when I was completely spiraling. I feel a a fraction of a bit better today. I'm leaving this in word-for-word. Even though I say at the end I don't know why I posted this, I guess I do want to hear about other people's experiences. Its felt better to get this out.
The last three years of my life have been pretty tough, but I really thought I had come through the other side. I (M39) decided to go back to school, as I was not very happy in my former field. It was an extremely tough thing to do, as I would be taking a pay cut for the foreseeable future. My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for almost three years at this point and owned a house together. She said she supported my decision and understood my time would become limited considerably while I was in my program. Well that was a fucking lie. Almost immediately she started complaining about me "not taking her out" like I used to, or not doing as many projects around the house. The program I was in was already anxiety-inducing enough. To cut a long story short (because this isn't event what this post is about), I came to see our relationship was transactional, developed severe anxiety, and started to suffer health-related problems like high blood pressure. By the skin of my teeth I passed my program, became licensed, but had lingering issues around everything that had gone down in that span of time.
Over the last six months I have put in a lot of work and truly felt very hopeful for my future. I saw a therapist, got on some medications, lost 20 lbs. and got into great shape. Starting this new field has been a challenge, but also rewarding in the way I was looking for. I met a girl at work which I was very hesitant about d/t setting and some lingering anxiety issues. There was common interest, and I really explained what I had gone through and where I felt like I was. We both agreed to take things VERY SLOW. Hiking, lunch, movies, very casual for the first month. We finally had our first "serious" date - a fancy late night dinner and tickets to a show. We had some wine at her house after, and after some light touching and kissing, we had the conversation of getting tested because we were very much both interested in pursuing more. She had an ex give her chlamydia and had an upcoming OB/GYN appointment and was planning and getting a full workup. I thought "Well I've only slept with two women in the past eight years and have had no issues," but knew I hadn't been tested since 2016, which had shown I was clean.
I got my results back last Friday. HSV II. I'm fucking stunned. I mean I couldn't fucking breath. Full blown panic attack. I have never had any issues with my penis at all. Never any pain urinating, nothing. All the anxiety that I had worked so hard to get rid of came back and crushed me over this last weekend. It was all I could do to to get through my 12-hour shifts. I immediately hit up both of my ex's to figure out who the hell had given me this, as there was no other way. Last ex proceeds to tell me she had been tested about six months ago when she started dating her new boyfriend. I confirm she's clean for HSV II. She proceeds to berate me for being an idiot and a near 40 year-old with a disease now. I'll admit I'm not very proud of this, but she assumed I had caught something after her and I did not tell her that that left only the possibility of my relationship before her passing this to me.
So on to the title and why I'm so devastated. I'm really racking my brain on how I could have this but never see anything wrong with my penis. Then I read something that was my 'getting struck by lightening' moment. It was a post that is very similar to mine. Guy gets tested, guy gets HSV II diagnosis, perplexed at no previous penis symptoms. But he does get pretty bad cold sores from time-to-time. His Dr informs him that it's very possibly to get HSV II on your face. Now I never thought I had a cold sore before, but I remember back in 2017 getting an infected hair follicle in the hair right below my bottom lip after shaving. I went to the Dr, he looks at it and says "Yup, looks like an infection," give me antibiotics, but it doesn't go away for about two weeks. About two years after that, same thing happens: I shave, my follicle gets infected, I get more antibiotics from the Dr, and though it's not anywhere near as bad as the first time it still takes about two weeks to heal. Then almost exactly a year ago the same thing pops about, but this time I haven't shaved. Call my Dr, gives me antibiotics without even looking at it. I start looking at HSV II outbreaks in the same area as I was getting my infected follicle. I find a few pictures that look dead-on from what mine looks like. I at least though "Well, it's on my penis, condoms exist," but I'm not exaggerating in the least when I tell you after my realization I felt like the hopeless protagonist at the end of an HP Lovecraft novel where he realizes there is indeed a fate worse than death.
I'm finally able to get ahold of my ex from back in 2016. She confirms to me that she indeed has HSV II, but didn't think to tell me because we hadn't spoken in years. "I figured if you didn't reach out then we were good." This confirms she cheated on me because we were tested together. I don't even care about that now. Now my focus shifts to the girl I'm currently dating. She knows something is up. So I just started at where we work and on the other hand she's been there for six years. She is like family to most people on the floor. I'm the annoying new guy who barely knows anyone. She has her OB/GYN appointment today and I realize I need to tell her that not only do I have HSV II, that it's on my face and there is possibility she might have it on hers' too. She is very calm about it but I can tell in her voice that she is shook. I hope to beyond all fucking hope that her test comes back all clear. I'm also legitimately contemplating put in my resignation at work, a job I just fucking started. There's no way this doesn't get out at work and I don't become ostracized. I don't know how I'm going to approach this in the future, I don't see any romance in my life anymore. And this is so fucking selfish, but if I gave this to her I am legitimately scared on how this will make ME feel. I'm scarred that that guilt will cripple me and I'll be doomed to live in constant anxiety. I don't feel any better writing this all out, in fact I feel worse. I have no idea why the fuck I'm posting this.

I'm a medical software tech by day, aspiring fantasy novelist by night. I've been working on a fantasy piece for the past year. I've got the first draft completed, now the fun part comes next (revising). If you're into Narnia, Harry Potter, etc. then I'm sure you'll enjoy what I'm writing.Unfortunately writing doesn't pay the bills, so that's why I have my day job (medical software technician). I've been living by myself for the past year or so, and honestly it's pretty lonely with just a dog and a cat (I also have shared custody of my daughter). I don't do a lot of gaming these days, and I honestly don't watch a lot of television or movies (between work and writing, time is a rather hot commodity!) I do enjoy traveling and trying new food/drink but I don't much reason to do either as of late. I would like someone to give me a reason to go out, whether it's a week-long trip in another state (or even another country), or a night out on the town (I enjoy the symphony, Broadway show, or any other 'fancy' date). You don't have to be a 'dog' person, but I'm always going to have at least one. If I haven't turned you off yet, congratulations. I get that people are busy, but if you're not going to put any effort in conversations (i.e. say one or two words a day, or not bother saying anything at all) then don't bother replying to this. You're wasting two people's time and it's rude. Just so I know you've taken the time to at least skim through this, tell me if you've ever worn a pair of oxford heels.