A distant memory too precious to be Forgotten Bore of fruit so pure Ethereal and close to perfection The seeds were always destined to turn rotten I blame grandmas and grandpas. Their lessons never led to other options
So here I sit, obtuse Coiled Glaring as petals dance about a gravestone Wishing the Moon would cast a little less shade Lacking the strength to avert my gaze Perforated and unholy
I know it’s the greed talking Hell Could just be the wind in the reeds mocking Me? I’m not so sharp anymore Still can’t tell Life’s been a strange mile Must keep walking The ghosts are listening again Laughing Never imagined this would be my fate But I hope they can still relate
Shit I’m just happy to see them smile again
The moon still seeps in her silent wind The air is stale It reeks of cherry blossoms In my mouth Words die quickly Under my shoes Promises live forever Despite ones I wore that day Didn’t possess anything that made me better
1 and 2

Mentions - Empty Orchestra, Tom & Gerri
Wham Rap! (Enjoy What You Do) is the song Duane sings in Empty Orchestra - which I just enjoyed rewatching (love this episode, and Javone Prince's performance and dancing is great!)
Anyway, I got the song stuck in my head and really started listening to the lyrics. Then I realized, after learning about Reece and Steve's time on the dole (interview here - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=toH_GNuWgxE) that it was probably a favourite song of theirs during that time.
The time they spent on the dole inspired the play they were writing which included the character Pauline and eventually turned into the Tom & Gerri episode. They were sharing a flat, prior to the production of League of Gentlemen, and they said that it was rather miserable and they spent a lot of time playing board games "...drained of all their life energy." "Can't be bothered to leave the flat," "What's it worth going out for?"
George Michael wrote the song because he was given an ultimatum from his father "get yourself a job or get out of this house." He rapped about "the joys of living every day to the fullest, reveling in unemployment and celebrating government assistance."
So then, I can just imagine, Reece and Steve in their dingy little flat, on the dole, Reece just got back from being told he's dolescum by someone resembling "Pauline," and they're sitting down to play a game of Escape from Colditz. (Has anyone played this by the way!? I imagine Reece as the Security Officer and Steve as the Escape Officer!) Furthermore, in this game there is such a thing as a "Do or Die" card (interestingly named, for someone to be playing this while on the dole). Anyway, after playing their game, I imagine them feeling glum, and then one of them puts on Wham Rap! (Enjoy What You Do) and they both start ironically singing and dancing to it.
Isn't it wonderful, when you really think about it, how those difficult and "miserable" times led to the masterpieces we cherish today? Their struggles and their perseverance through adversity were not in vain. Instead, these challenging periods gave rise to works of art that continue to inspire and move us.
This realization serves as a poignant reminder that even in the darkest chapters of our lives, there lies an opportunity for growth and transformation. When we find ourselves at a low point, it’s important to remember that the only direction to move is upwards. For creators, these low points are not just obstacles to be overcome but are often the very catalysts that ignite their most profound and impactful works.
So, if you are facing a difficult time, take heart. Embrace the potential for growth and creativity that these moments can offer. Your struggles today could be the seeds of tomorrow's masterpieces.
After all, "You got soul."
Here are the lyrics:
Wham! bam! I am! a man! Job or no job, You can't tell me that I'm not. Do! you! Enjoy what you do? If not, just stop! Don't stay there and rot! You got soul... You got soul... I said get, get, get on down, Said get, get, get, on down. Hey everybody take a look at me, I've got street credibility, I may not have a job, But I have a good time, With the boys that I meet down on the line I said, I - don't - need - you So you don't approve, Well who asked you to? Hey, jerk, you, work This boy's got better things to do Hell, I ain't never gonna work, get down in the dirt, I choose, to cruise. Gonna live my life, sharp as a knife, I've found my groove and I just can't lose. A.1. style from head to toe, Cool cat flash gonna let you know, I'm a soul boy - I'm a dole boy, Take pleasure in leisure, I believe in joy! Wham! bam! I am! a man! Job or no job, You can't tell me that I'm not. Do! you! Enjoy what you do? If not, just stop! Don't stay there and rot! Party nights, and neon lights, We hit the floors, we hit the heights. Dancing shoes, and pretty girls. Boys in leather kiss girls in pearls! Hot-damn! everybody, let's play! So they promised you a good job - no way! One, two, three, rap! C'mon everybody, don't need this crap!
If you're a pub man Or a club man Maybe a jet black guy with a hip hi-fi A white cool cat with a trilby hat Maybe leather and studs is where you're at Make the most of every day Don't let hard times stand in your way Give a wham give a bam but don't give a damn Cos the benefit gang are gonna pay! Now reach up high and touch your soul, The boys from wham! will help you reach that goal. It's gonna break your mama's heart, (so sad) It's gonna break your daddy's heart, (too bad) But you'll throw the dice and take my advice, Because I know that you're smart. Can you dig this thing? Yeah! Are you gonna get down? Yeah! Say wham! Wham! Say bam! Bam! Wham! bam! I am! a man! Job or no job, You can't tell me that I'm not. Do! you! Enjoy what you do? If not, just stop! Don't stay there and rot!

Am I wrong for soft ghosting one of my “friends”?
Wow, this one might me a long one.
So I moved to (undisclosed location) sometime in the beginning of last year. When I moved here I really had no friends but became heavily involved in this yoga studio I went to and slowly but surely started to make friends/acquaintances with the teacher that instructed me.
From afar she seemed super cool and I became pretty enthralled with her and her life. I would look forward so heavily to going to her classes every week and was quite intrigued by her. I thought she was funny, bubbly, spunky, cool, and always made jokes during class that made me laugh. As months went by I found myself wanting to get closer and closer to her, and she even invited me out one time to one of her “events” she was hosting. Here’s the thing;
It seemed like we had a lot in common and was just generally craving camaraderie and connection. I felt a sense of belonging with her and wanted to expand that energy in my life, and wanted to do anything I could to get closer to her for those reasons. But I guess this is where we have the first red flag;
One day after class, she extended an invitation to me to a meet up of sorts, (I’m being sparing with details just out of fear she might read this) and when she invited me it seemed like it was gonna be this big thing with lots of people invited, and just in general in talking to her it seemed as if she was very well connected and respected within her community, had lots of friends and connects, and I thought this was gonna be a huge thing that I was even lucky to be invited to. I was super stoked and exited about it.
However when the day of the event came, I was super tired and slow to getting up that morning. I figured I would just make my way over whenever I could since it seemed causal and like you could drop in whenever. I also figured there would be more than enough people that no one would really even notice my arrival or departure. (Plus, sometimes it’s chic to be fashionably late ;) ). Well…. I was most definitely wrong.
When I showed up I heard someone excitedly shout my name, which was her, and she waved me down to the “meet up”…. There was literally only one person there and it had been going on for 2+ hours. I was definitely a bit unnerved, but also didn’t want to be rude, and like I said I was just kind of happy to be there and be getting invited to things. But it was kinda like, damn…. Are these all the friends you have?
I had dressed up and looked cute but they were just kind of wearing whatever and I felt awkward and overdressed and also embarrassed now that I was even this late because it was clearly much more intimate than I expected and my arrival/absence was DEFINITELY felt. We had chatted a bit and that was cool but then I remember her confessing me that she had cried to her husband earlier that morning that she was scared nobody was going to show up and how thrilled she was that not only one, but TWO people had showed up and that it felt like she had friends. I wasn’t really sure what to say or make of that.
She also…. The whole time (and mind you, this is our first legitimate interaction out of yoga class) just kind of kept talking maniacally AT me, not to me, and was coming off almost even manic, and she had formed a white crust of spit around her mouth probably from talking so much that I couldn’t look away from. To say the least, I was a bit disturbed coming away from this interaction but I just kept telling myself that I was being too judgmental of her and to give it a chance and that maybe she was just hyper that day and that I had probably had unintentional embarrassing hygiene moments as well. So I keep going to class and that’s that.
There were several other red flag moments between this first interaction and the next one, mostly just her incredibly cringey social media presence that I genuinely almost couldn’t stand to see without feeling like I was withering away inside, but maybe I’ll save that for later. It’s almost like I couldn’t just see that the person I thought was so cool in class and the person I was seeing her be online and outside of class were the same people. But I digress.
She had actually ended up inviting me to go with her on one of her international yoga retreats, and I was actually very excited about this. I had very little time with her in between classes, and my attraction (but also repulsion) with her was growing stronger and I wanted to figure her out and see what she was really about and what the pull I was feeling towards her was about. Plus, I love travelling and just thought it would be fun.
I had a pretty good time, but we didn’t get to talk much, HOWEVER, I do remember this distinct point during the trip where it was myself, 2-3 other fiends I had made, her brother, and her “best friend” who had happened to be her brother’s Gf in a room together, talking. the brother, the best friend, and the other friend I made just all completely started talking shit about her and I was so confused.
I felt super hurt by this actually, bc I felt like I had a inexplicable bond with the teacher who had invited me, she was the reason we were all there in that beautiful place, and I just couldn’t understand why they were choosing to be so negative about someone I thought they had claimed (at least by title) to love. They would say things like “I can’t fucking stand your sister” (one of the friends I made to the brother) and everyone would just sigh and put their hands in their head and be like “I know…. I know. It’s a lot. She’s a lot”. And I didn’t have anything to add to the conversation because I was just so confused and I knew the girl would just be so upset if she heard them saying this. Anyway… that confusion stuck with me for a while after.
Fast forward maybe a month or two, I started hanging out with her more regularly myself outside of class. I would say this is when we became more “friends”. She would invite me to other teachers classes and we would talk a lot about our lives.
I learned how she felt about her close friend and family connections, and how she often felt hurt and betrayed by people close to her and how some of her friends were actually really shady. I just got a general sense of her feeling scapegoated and libeled against by ppl that got close to her and how she had walls up for that reason.
She also shared to me that most of her family was cut off, with the exception of her brother who she had recently rekindled a connection with, hence why he was on that trip. I felt very bad for her and wanted to be a source of comfort and support, and she would often comment on how she felt a sense of camaraderie with me since I also (LITERALLY) had no family and how we have to make our chosen family. This was a sweet sentiment, for sure, but I was still sussing out how I felt about her.
So one day, a mutual friend that had been on the trip with us was having a birthday party and I guess that she was invited to it, too. She sat down next to me and I was SUPER excited to see her as I was craving her energy and hadn’t seen her in some time. But then… idk. She had had a lot to drink. I’m fully aware that she’s kind of a quirky individual, and has a way of socializing which I can sometimes find a bit uncomfortable or even intense, (like the first meetup I spoke of) but this time it was even more and seemed to be heightened by the drinking.
Her husband was sitting on her other side and kept trying to interject and insinuate that maybe she was doing a bit much, but I think she was drunk enough to the point that she just found it funny and had no awareness of how she was coming off. There’s not even a way I can describe it really, but she just seemed a bit obsessive over me and kept making jokes that were literally not funny and seemed to have lost all ability to read the room. I also had noticed that she had only had TWO beers and was acting like this already which I found… really strange.
So at some point she goes to the bathroom, and I also get in line for the bathroom about 5 mins later. When I get up to the bathroom, she’s still in there, and there’s a line of about 2 or 3 people ahead of me. When she exits the bathroom she immediately spots me and rushes up to me and just starts… drunkenly spewing.
I can’t even remember what she was saying, but we were in a pretty high class establishment and I remember her gushing over me and was saying “I just want to let you know that I don’t really have friends or let people close to me in my circle but I just want to let you know that YOU are officially in my circle and you have earned friend status to me and I’ve let you in my circle…” or something like that. And I just kept thinking, who tf even says that??? I’m pretty sure the last time I checked that friendship is a two way street and it’s not just a title we bestow onto some “lucky” person and that’s that. Like girl… let ME decide if I want to be friends too first.
It was partially that, and also the way she was drunkenly spewing was so awkward and embarrassing bc I could tell all the other women in line were like who tf is this bitch and why is she saying all this weird stuff and like, does she even know you?? Lol. Just a very odd interaction which again, I kind of wrote off, but the unsettling feeling kind of just kept growing after that point.
Then, the time that I REALLY knew something was up came up about a month later, but there are still some key details of this story that are missing. Perhaps I will discuss them later.
SO. About a month later, she invited me last minute to this concert of sorts. When I got there, I was super excited to be there, the vibes were amazing and we were having so much fun. But she had definitely had a lot, A LOT to drink. I didn’t mind at first, because everyone there seemed severely under the influence, but she would just start randomly kind of lashing out at people in the crowd and she thought it was funny? She first loudly and audibly started making fun of some guys shoes in front of us, and was trying to laugh with me as if I would join in, but when his girl friend turned around and shot her a dirty look, she had the nerve to be self conscious and mad about it. She would loudly poke fun at other people in the crowd too, but not in a ha-ha way, just in a straight up mean and asshole way and I could not understand why she would even do that or why she thought that was funny.
Again, I kind of just awkwardly laughed and brushed it off. But when all was said and done and the concert was closing, she enthusiastically invited me back to go to her house and soak in her hot tub. I kept saying are you sure?? But she was like please, PLEASE come, we have weed, we’ll smoke you out and other things and I wanted to continue the vibes because it sounded fun. And then….. completely downhill.
I had arrived back at their place before she did, but as soon as I saw them go in I knocked. When I walked in, she was pale faced up on the floor, non verbal, pretty much motionless, and staring at the ceiling. I was like oh no… it seemed like she got a bit too much to drink. I waited patiently there for a few mins, unsure of what to do as I had just drove for 45 mins and I was still 25 mins in the opposite direction away from home.
I kind of just sat around, and hoped that she would sober up. I asked if she was drunk… she said no. She ran to her bathroom multiple times while her husband (a complete socially awkward case himself) tried to take care of her while she threw up. I asked her if she puked and she also said no. So I didn’t really know what to do. I was trying to offer support/ empathy but she just kept denying any claims of anything being amiss. Her husband left to pick up a pizza and I probably just should’ve left but I’m telling you I had no idea how to exit their house without making it weird or awkward. And I also was hungry. So I just stayed… and waited for the pizza.
What happened in those 20-30 mins, I don’t even know if I can fully explain. She just became… so FUCKING WEIRD. she clearly was embarrassed that I was seeing her drunk, and I think was trying to over compensate. But she just turned into an absolute freak show and I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life.
She started hoola hooping in my face, and making these weird gremlin faces and noises at me, fell to the floor, rolled round on the floor while continuing to make the noises, convulsed on the floor, but tried to do it in a funny way, tried to make an interpretive dance for me… I’ve truly never experienced something so uncomfortable in my life. I probably do sound like an asshole, but I swear you would just have to be there to see how a) gross and b) weird and actually scary it was. I was genuinely frightened.
I’ve never seen anyone act like that and I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable or weird by showing her how clearly uncomfortable I actually was. so I just sat there and tried to laugh. But it probably came off as more of a grimace. And for the record, this woman is 33. I am 26. It was just. Obscene.
And she’s tried to act like and say multiple times that she’s like my “big sister”. Now I’ve seen a lot of drunk behavior, but not this. I wolfed down my pizza, and so did she, and she started to get even more philosophical and weird on me, showing me songs and art which were quite frankly some of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life, and I left as soon as I could.
I was so shaken and disturbed coming away from this, because like I said earlier, I thought she was a cool girl, but honestly her behavior and lack of control over herself completely terrified me. And it’s not like she was drinking liquor, it was just damn IPAs. And I just did not know what to do.
Some details I will try to add to this story, even though I know it’s monolithic at this point , is that 2 months prior to this she had gotten fired from the studio she worked at.
She had a mental breakdown during class because the manager was being mean to her, and he fired her on the spot. I remember being so angry with the owner, (honestly he IS a piece of shit human being) but I thought he was being sexist by calling her mentally unstable and I thought the way he handled things was unfair.
I went so far as to boycott the studio and completely remove myself from it in support of her and followed her to her new one. After the drunk #2 incident, I didn’t hang out with her very much, and only saw her during her class as I was locked into a certain number of classes I had paid for.
I remember her telling me that she had just started at ANOTHER studio, and got fired 3 days after on her birthday and she was talking about how unfair it was and how much of an asshole that new girl was for firing her… and I believed her. AGAIN.
I went so far as to block that girl on Instagram too, but deep down I kind of knew that she had probably just been fired bc let’s face it… as I was starting to discover, she WAS a lot. and the studio was in an upper class area , catered towards more upper echelon people, and I just don’t think she was fitting that image. I lent her an empathetic ear, because that’s all I would want in that situation.
But where she fucked up was sending me screenshot proof of the text exchange between her and that girl, thinking I would take her side, and later sending me screenshots of another conversation she had with the OTHER manager. She told me that this new girl fired her for bringing her husband to class. In my mind I was like, oh no, is she racist!?! Because her husband was black. But no, that’s not what I read at all.
It was the most reasonable, level headed response to someone ever, and laid out multiple offenses and reasons she didn’t want her at the studio. The reasons were honestly so embarrassing that I don’t know why she would send it to me and think I would side with her. She recently also sent me messages with the other boss and the last thing he says to her is “I hope you get help for your mental illness because whatever you have is serious and will impact all your relationships and business and things that you do”. And honestly I can now say in retrospect that those were the truest words ever spoken.
When I read these texts, I had a look back at my whole relationship with and how she would always paint everyone else to be the villain and how everyone is so mean to HER… and the whole time the common denominator was her. It was always her. And it made me rethink everything.
I’ve even had extensive conversations with some of the other people on her trip that were talking shit and couldn’t stand her and they all told me the same things. How it seemed like she was the coolest person ever and had her shit together and seemed like she was going places… but deep down she was just an absolute mess and pushed everyone away from her. And I no longer felt like I was going crazy.
But like I said, she formed a really close bond with me (I think from her perspective) and said she felt like my big sister and family, and shared all these stories about her feeling isolated and shut out by people, but now here I am, doing the exact same thing to her. Icing her out of my life. And I just wanna ask you guys…
Am the asshole?

Am I wrong for soft ghosting one of my “friends”?
Wow, this one might me a long one.
So I moved to (undisclosed location) sometime in the beginning of last year. When I moved here I really had no friends but became heavily involved in this yoga studio I went to and slowly but surely started to make friends/acquaintances with the teacher that instructed me.
From afar she seemed super cool and I became pretty enthralled with her and her life. I would look forward so heavily to going to her classes every week and was quite intrigued by her. I thought she was funny, bubbly, spunky, cool, and always made jokes during class that made me laugh. As months went by I found myself wanting to get closer and closer to her, and she even invited me out one time to one of her “events” she was hosting. Here’s the thing;
It seemed like we had a lot in common and was just generally craving camaraderie and connection. I felt a sense of belonging with her and wanted to expand that energy in my life, and wanted to do anything I could to get closer to her for those reasons. But I guess this is where we have the first red flag;
One day after class, she extended an invitation to me to a meet up of sorts, (I’m being sparing with details just out of fear she might read this) and when she invited me it seemed like it was gonna be this big thing with lots of people invited, and just in general in talking to her it seemed as if she was very well connected and respected within her community, had lots of friends and connects, and I thought this was gonna be a huge thing that I was even lucky to be invited to. I was super stoked and exited about it.
However when the day of the event came, I was super tired and slow to getting up that morning. I figured I would just make my way over whenever I could since it seemed causal and like you could drop in whenever. I also figured there would be more than enough people that no one would really even notice my arrival or departure. (Plus, sometimes it’s chic to be fashionably late ;) ). Well…. I was most definitely wrong.
When I showed up I heard someone excitedly shout my name, which was her, and she waved me down to the “meet up”…. There was literally only one person there and it had been going on for 2+ hours. I was definitely a bit unnerved, but also didn’t want to be rude, and like I said I was just kind of happy to be there and be getting invited to things. But it was kinda like, damn…. Are these all the friends you have?
I had dressed up and looked cute but they were just kind of wearing whatever and I felt awkward and overdressed and also embarrassed now that I was even this late because it was clearly much more intimate than I expected and my arrival/absence was DEFINITELY felt. We had chatted a bit and that was cool but then I remember her confessing me that she had cried to her husband earlier that morning that she was scared nobody was going to show up and how thrilled she was that not only one, but TWO people had showed up and that it felt like she had friends. I wasn’t really sure what to say or make of that.
She also…. The whole time (and mind you, this is our first legitimate interaction out of yoga class) just kind of kept talking maniacally AT me, not to me, and was coming off almost even manic, and she had formed a white crust of spit around her mouth probably from talking so much that I couldn’t look away from. To say the least, I was a bit disturbed coming away from this interaction but I just kept telling myself that I was being too judgmental of her and to give it a chance and that maybe she was just hyper that day and that I had probably had unintentional embarrassing hygiene moments as well. So I keep going to class and that’s that.
There were several other red flag moments between this first interaction and the next one, mostly just her incredibly cringey social media presence that I genuinely almost couldn’t stand to see without feeling like I was withering away inside, but maybe I’ll save that for later. It’s almost like I couldn’t just see that the person I thought was so cool in class and the person I was seeing her be online and outside of class were the same people. But I digress.
She had actually ended up inviting me to go with her on one of her international yoga retreats, and I was actually very excited about this. I had very little time with her in between classes, and my attraction (but also repulsion) with her was growing stronger and I wanted to figure her out and see what she was really about and what the pull I was feeling towards her was about. Plus, I love travelling and just thought it would be fun.
I had a pretty good time, but we didn’t get to talk much, HOWEVER, I do remember this distinct point during the trip where it was myself, 2-3 other fiends I had made, her brother, and her “best friend” who had happened to be her brother’s Gf in a room together, talking. the brother, the best friend, and the other friend I made just all completely started talking shit about her and I was so confused.
I felt super hurt by this actually, bc I felt like I had a inexplicable bond with the teacher who had invited me, she was the reason we were all there in that beautiful place, and I just couldn’t understand why they were choosing to be so negative about someone I thought they had claimed (at least by title) to love. They would say things like “I can’t fucking stand your sister” (one of the friends I made to the brother) and everyone would just sigh and put their hands in their head and be like “I know…. I know. It’s a lot. She’s a lot”. And I didn’t have anything to add to the conversation because I was just so confused and I knew the girl would just be so upset if she heard them saying this. Anyway… that confusion stuck with me for a while after.
Fast forward maybe a month or two, I started hanging out with her more regularly myself outside of class. I would say this is when we became more “friends”. She would invite me to other teachers classes and we would talk a lot about our lives.
I learned how she felt about her close friend and family connections, and how she often felt hurt and betrayed by people close to her and how some of her friends were actually really shady. I just got a general sense of her feeling scapegoated and libeled against by ppl that got close to her and how she had walls up for that reason.
She also shared to me that most of her family was cut off, with the exception of her brother who she had recently rekindled a connection with, hence why he was on that trip. I felt very bad for her and wanted to be a source of comfort and support, and she would often comment on how she felt a sense of camaraderie with me since I also (LITERALLY) had no family and how we have to make our chosen family. This was a sweet sentiment, for sure, but I was still sussing out how I felt about her.
So one day, a mutual friend that had been on the trip with us was having a birthday party and I guess that she was invited to it, too. She sat down next to me and I was SUPER excited to see her as I was craving her energy and hadn’t seen her in some time. But then… idk. She had had a lot to drink. I’m fully aware that she’s kind of a quirky individual, and has a way of socializing which I can sometimes find a bit uncomfortable or even intense, (like the first meetup I spoke of) but this time it was even more and seemed to be heightened by the drinking.
Her husband was sitting on her other side and kept trying to interject and insinuate that maybe she was doing a bit much, but I think she was drunk enough to the point that she just found it funny and had no awareness of how she was coming off. There’s not even a way I can describe it really, but she just seemed a bit obsessive over me and kept making jokes that were literally not funny and seemed to have lost all ability to read the room. I also had noticed that she had only had TWO beers and was acting like this already which I found… really strange.
So at some point she goes to the bathroom, and I also get in line for the bathroom about 5 mins later. When I get up to the bathroom, she’s still in there, and there’s a line of about 2 or 3 people ahead of me. When she exits the bathroom she immediately spots me and rushes up to me and just starts… drunkenly spewing.
I can’t even remember what she was saying, but we were in a pretty high class establishment and I remember her gushing over me and was saying “I just want to let you know that I don’t really have friends or let people close to me in my circle but I just want to let you know that YOU are officially in my circle and you have earned friend status to me and I’ve let you in my circle…” or something like that. And I just kept thinking, who tf even says that??? I’m pretty sure the last time I checked that friendship is a two way street and it’s not just a title we bestow onto some “lucky” person and that’s that. Like girl… let ME decide if I want to be friends too first.
It was partially that, and also the way she was drunkenly spewing was so awkward and embarrassing bc I could tell all the other women in line were like who tf is this bitch and why is she saying all this weird stuff and like, does she even know you?? Lol. Just a very odd interaction which again, I kind of wrote off, but the unsettling feeling kind of just kept growing after that point.
Then, the time that I REALLY knew something was up came up about a month later, but there are still some key details of this story that are missing. Perhaps I will discuss them later.
SO. About a month later, she invited me last minute to this concert of sorts. When I got there, I was super excited to be there, the vibes were amazing and we were having so much fun. But she had definitely had a lot, A LOT to drink. I didn’t mind at first, because everyone there seemed severely under the influence, but she would just start randomly kind of lashing out at people in the crowd and she thought it was funny? She first loudly and audibly started making fun of some guys shoes in front of us, and was trying to laugh with me as if I would join in, but when his girl friend turned around and shot her a dirty look, she had the nerve to be self conscious and mad about it. She would loudly poke fun at other people in the crowd too, but not in a ha-ha way, just in a straight up mean and asshole way and I could not understand why she would even do that or why she thought that was funny.
Again, I kind of just awkwardly laughed and brushed it off. But when all was said and done and the concert was closing, she enthusiastically invited me back to go to her house and soak in her hot tub. I kept saying are you sure?? But she was like please, PLEASE come, we have weed, we’ll smoke you out and other things and I wanted to continue the vibes because it sounded fun. And then….. completely downhill.
I had arrived back at their place before she did, but as soon as I saw them go in I knocked. When I walked in, she was pale faced up on the floor, non verbal, pretty much motionless, and staring at the ceiling. I was like oh no… it seemed like she got a bit too much to drink. I waited patiently there for a few mins, unsure of what to do as I had just drove for 45 mins and I was still 25 mins in the opposite direction away from home.
I kind of just sat around, and hoped that she would sober up. I asked if she was drunk… she said no. She ran to her bathroom multiple times while her husband (a complete socially awkward case himself) tried to take care of her while she threw up. I asked her if she puked and she also said no. So I didn’t really know what to do. I was trying to offer support/ empathy but she just kept denying any claims of anything being amiss. Her husband left to pick up a pizza and I probably just should’ve left but I’m telling you I had no idea how to exit their house without making it weird or awkward. And I also was hungry. So I just stayed… and waited for the pizza.
What happened in those 20-30 mins, I don’t even know if I can fully explain. She just became… so FUCKING WEIRD. she clearly was embarrassed that I was seeing her drunk, and I think was trying to over compensate. But she just turned into an absolute freak show and I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life.
She started hoola hooping in my face, and making these weird gremlin faces and noises at me, fell to the floor, rolled round on the floor while continuing to make the noises, convulsed on the floor, but tried to do it in a funny way, tried to make an interpretive dance for me… I’ve truly never experienced something so uncomfortable in my life. I probably do sound like an asshole, but I swear you would just have to be there to see how a) gross and b) weird and actually scary it was. I was genuinely frightened.
I’ve never seen anyone act like that and I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable or weird by showing her how clearly uncomfortable I actually was. so I just sat there and tried to laugh. But it probably came off as more of a grimace. And for the record, this woman is 33. I am 26. It was just. Obscene.
And she’s tried to act like and say multiple times that she’s like my “big sister”. Now I’ve seen a lot of drunk behavior, but not this. I wolfed down my pizza, and so did she, and she started to get even more philosophical and weird on me, showing me songs and art which were quite frankly some of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life, and I left as soon as I could.
I was so shaken and disturbed coming away from this, because like I said earlier, I thought she was a cool girl, but honestly her behavior and lack of control over herself completely terrified me. And it’s not like she was drinking liquor, it was just damn IPAs. And I just did not know what to do.
Some details I will try to add to this story, even though I know it’s monolithic at this point , is that 2 months prior to this she had gotten fired from the studio she worked at.
She had a mental breakdown during class because the manager was being mean to her, and he fired her on the spot. I remember being so angry with the owner, (honestly he IS a piece of shit human being) but I thought he was being sexist by calling her mentally unstable and I thought the way he handled things was unfair.
I went so far as to boycott the studio and completely remove myself from it in support of her and followed her to her new one. After the drunk #2 incident, I didn’t hang out with her very much, and only saw her during her class as I was locked into a certain number of classes I had paid for.
I remember her telling me that she had just started at ANOTHER studio, and got fired 3 days after on her birthday and she was talking about how unfair it was and how much of an asshole that new girl was for firing her… and I believed her. AGAIN.
I went so far as to block that girl on Instagram too, but deep down I kind of knew that she had probably just been fired bc let’s face it… as I was starting to discover, she WAS a lot. and the studio was in an upper class area , catered towards more upper echelon people, and I just don’t think she was fitting that image. I lent her an empathetic ear, because that’s all I would want in that situation.
But where she fucked up was sending me screenshot proof of the text exchange between her and that girl, thinking I would take her side, and later sending me screenshots of another conversation she had with the OTHER manager. She told me that this new girl fired her for bringing her husband to class. In my mind I was like, oh no, is she racist!?! Because her husband was black. But no, that’s not what I read at all.
It was the most reasonable, level headed response to someone ever, and laid out multiple offenses and reasons she didn’t want her at the studio. The reasons were honestly so embarrassing that I don’t know why she would send it to me and think I would side with her. She recently also sent me messages with the other boss and the last thing he says to her is “I hope you get help for your mental illness because whatever you have is serious and will impact all your relationships and business and things that you do”. And honestly I can now say in retrospect that those were the truest words ever spoken.
When I read these texts, I had a look back at my whole relationship with and how she would always paint everyone else to be the villain and how everyone is so mean to HER… and the whole time the common denominator was her. It was always her. And it made me rethink everything.
I’ve even had extensive conversations with some of the other people on her trip that were talking shit and couldn’t stand her and they all told me the same things. How it seemed like she was the coolest person ever and had her shit together and seemed like she was going places… but deep down she was just an absolute mess and pushed everyone away from her. And I no longer felt like I was going crazy.
But like I said, she formed a really close bond with me (I think from her perspective) and said she felt like my big sister and family, and shared all these stories about her feeling isolated and shut out by people, but now here I am, doing the exact same thing to her. Icing her out of my life. And I just wanna ask you guys…
Am the asshole?

Hey ladies! I’m looking for a dress that checks a few different boxes, and I was hoping that the hive mind could help me. 🤗
I’m (mid-30’s F) going to a wedding in the mountains of Mexico. It’s going to be hot, and it’s going to be a black tie affair. This is my “fancy“ side of the family and everyone will be dressed to the nines.
Keeping in mind the hot and slightly humid weather, I also need a dress that will cover my left upper arm to my elbow. The shoulders can be exposed, but my left bicep needs to be covered. So either a one sleeve dress (that covers MY left) or something that will just hide that particular area on both sides.
Moreover, I am only 5’3, about 130 pounds and busty (34 DDD). I found some off shoulder dresses that could work, but they have a ton of cleavage and that’s not going to fly around my Mexican family who I haven’t seen in 10 years. Ha ha. Some cleavage is totally fine.
Any ideas/links appreciated!! I have dark hair and a tan complexion in the summer so I can get away with a variety of colors. I have a bunch of fun/neutral heel options between my mom and I’s shoe stashes, so no problem there. Thank you!

^{In this episode of Q&Q with Cybersurf we take a look at another empty platitude folks will throw around under the guise of wisdom, awakening or - dare I say it - Truth Realization.}

"Stop hating yourself for guilt blaming others!"

Of course what this particular Patronizing Saint does not realize is that he is talking to (and at, and from) the very Self he is pretending to have transcended. It get's worse with gems like "Be compassionate to yourself. It is ok." but I digress. The gist of it is of course promoting self-healing and not self-transcendence under the guise of Awakening.
It cannot be done. It really pains me to keep repeating the same words but your skulls are literally that thick by this point in the whole self erected self perpetuated 'community driven' circus act of false awakening talk.
What folks hate (and fear) the most while dreaming their lives away is some real Truth Talk. On top of that they love to play these semantic games never realizing that 'Truth Talk' is all that is possible from within the dreamstate. That even as I speak/write/pontificate I am rubbing these throat noise together we have all agreed upon should mean this or that or the other thing.
The reading in between the line is actually where all the magic happens. Or - in the case of this sub - where it never seems to be happening at all. For the fast majority of non-so-serious seekers holding themselves and others down in a two dimensional graphite-like bond. Imagine trying to rip a piece of Graphite with your supposed bare hands. Good luck! ;;)

"letting go of this hate of other people is hard!"

It sure is, but nor for the reasons you might believe. Who is there letting go of what exactly? How many of you are in there. What is the mechanism behind this split identity talking to itself, holding shit tight.. with what!? hands? What? It is simply impossible to 'let go' of something you are not holding with hands it does not even have. You are investing everything in a case of mistaken identity and the Patronizing Saint is going to cater to it with his own case of mistaken identity he crowned 'wise'... or compassionate.. or 'understanding'. It's a self perpetuating circus act of tear jerking nonsense.
Well it is if your aim is to awaken. If you are actually discussing these things with the intent implied in the very words. To actually make an honest effort to get on top of Self not underneath it for a lifetime. What a waste. No really. To stop looking for crutches or that next pat on the back on account of your crocodile tear jerker.
THIS IS LITERALLY THE VERY BEDROCK OF NON-DUALITY YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE.
I'm not even trying to sell you about some proprietary version of Truth or Truth Realization or self inquiry here at all.. It is 'YOU' who are whipping up one. Acting all enlightened and claiming nonsense about the whole damn thing. You let ego run the show and so of course it will do you like that. With great fervor as well it will go about knitting that rug of illusion and pull it from under you 365 times a day. With giddy delight! It's not even evil as such. Just the way this reality works. It will go as far as feeling sorry for itself too if that is needed 'while doing it' ....this is the podium where the 'teacher-student' monkey dance of epic proportion is carried out actually... where one dreamer will tell the other to "chill out.." ;;)
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT IT IS YOU ARE ALL PRETENDING SO HARD NOT TO KNOW?
Just drop the fucking charade already. ;;)

"Be compassionate to yourself. It is ok!"

There it is; incessant patronizing. But are you even awaken yourself friend? No. Still you want to dole out these Mickey Mouse tips? I don't get it.
Keep patting everyone on the back with some soothing narrative of "it's okay buddy' this is exactly what Maya WANTS you to be doing.
There is no one there to hate another. Even when you manage to turn the Hate Ship around; that would still be the you that is not you at all. But now you have some virtues ...or so you believe. Now you are 'healed' or so you believe. Now you are ...A GOOD PERSON (as opposed to no-person at all).
Now you have another notch on the very belt that was already choking the life out of you.
It is no use. In the context of awakening we don't prop up the dream nor the dreamer.. Not before and certainly not 'after'. I'm looking at you 'Buddhists' ;;)
You don't prop up the dream nor the dreamer: we SLAY IT!
Then life will stand explained. Whatever is left there is simply the natural functioning and rhythm.. and 'righteousness' of the organism. It does not need 'you'. A name will do. A place 'to belong' will do. Food, clothing and shelter is all it ever needs. Anything beyond that is where the organism ends its sphere of influence and is actually the beginning of Self delusion. The birth of tumors on the ego. Outgrowths that WANT all kinds of nonsense. Believe all kinds of BS... NEEDS all kinds of things that are not needed at all. EVER.
It is ego that loves virtue, to preach to talk morals, ethics and whatnot. It is ego that exalts the guru and declares some teaching sacred. ALWAYS. You have no idea of how it is intertwined with Maya's power.
Her favorite puppets of them all is these spiritual puppets. Because they have 'the power' to drag other's down to their sub-level and beat them with 'spiritual experience' ..there. Collective 'Sue Icide' sold as a virtue. Lemmings headed for the cliff. In droves.
I don't understand how the gist of you are still talking the same nonsense in the context of awakening year after year in here. Why are you so stagnant? How come there is not a even a shoe lace dropping.. How many left turns do you have to make to see that you are lost in a maze of Self?
Just take the biggest L of them all on your so supposed chin and you may start to awaken for real.
Cheers

^{In this episode of Q&Q with Cybersurf we take a look at another empty platitude folks will throw around under the guise of wisdom, awakening or - dare I say it - Truth Realization.}

"Stop hating yourself for guilt blaming others"

Of course what this particular Patronizing Saint does not realize is that he is talking to (and at, and from) the very Self he is pretending to have transcended. It get's worse with gems like "Be compassionate to yourself. It is ok." but I digress. The gist of it is of course promoting self-healing and not self-transcendence under the guise of Awakening.
It cannot be done. It really pains me to keep repeating the same words but your skulls are literally that thick by this point in the whole self erected self perpetuated 'community driven' circus act of false awakening talk.
What folks hate (and fear) the most while dreaming their lives away is some real Truth Talk. On top of that they love to play these semantic games never realizing that 'Truth Talk' is all that is possible from within the dreamstate. That even as I speak/write/pontificate I am rubbing these throat noise together we have all agreed upon should mean this or that or the other thing.
The reading in between the line is actually where all the magic happens. Or - in the case of this sub - where it never seems to be happening at all. For the fast majority of non-so-serious seekers holding themselves and others down in a two dimensional graphite-like bond. Imagine trying to rip a piece of Graphite with your supposed bare hands. Good luck! ;;)

"letting go of this hate of other people is hard!"

It sure is, but nor for the reasons you might believe. Who is there letting go of what exactly? How many of you are in there. What is the mechanism behind this split identity talking to itself, holding shit tight.. with what!? hands? What? It is simply impossible to 'let go' of something you are not holding with hands it does not even have. You are investing everything in a case of mistaken identity and the Patronizing Saint is going to cater to it with his own case of mistaken identity he crowned 'wise'... or compassionate.. or 'understanding'. It's a self perpetuating circus act of tear jerking nonsense.
Well it is if your aim is to awaken. If you are actually discussing these things with the intent implied in the very words. To actually make an honest effort to get on top of Self not underneath it for a lifetime. What a waste. No really. To stop looking for crutches or that next pat on the back on account of your crocodile tear jerker.
THIS IS LITERALLY THE VERY BEDROCK OF NON-DUALITY YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE.
I'm not even trying to sell you about some proprietary version of Truth or Truth Realization or self inquiry here at all.. It is 'YOU' who are whipping up one. Acting all enlightened and claiming nonsense about the whole damn thing. You let ego run the show and so of course it will do you like that. With great fervor as well it will go about knitting that rug of illusion and pull it from under you 365 times a day. With giddy delight! It's not even evil as such. Just the way this reality works. It will go as far as feeling sorry for itself too if that is needed 'while doing it' ....this is the podium where the 'teacher-student' monkey dance of epic proportion is carried out actually... where one dreamer will tell the other to "chill out.." ;;)
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT IT IS YOU ARE ALL PRETENDING SO HARD NOT TO KNOW?
Just drop the fucking charade already. ;;)

"Be compassionate to yourself. It is ok!"

There it is again; incessant patronizing. But are you even awaken yourself friend? No. Still you want to dole out these Mickey Mouse tips? I don't get it.
Keep patting everyone on the back with some soothing narrative of "it's okay buddy' this is exactly what Maya WANTS you to be doing.
There is no one there to hate another. Even when you manage to turn the Hate Ship around; that would still be the you that is not you at all. But now you have some virtues ...or so you believe. Now you are 'healed' or so you believe. Now you are ...A GOOD PERSON (as opposed to no-person at all).
Now you have another notch on the very belt that was already choking the life out of you.
It is no use. In the context of awakening we don't prop up the dream nor the dreamer.. Not before and certainly not 'after'. I'm looking at you 'Buddhists' ;;)
You don't prop up the dream nor the dreamer: we SLAY IT!
Then life will stand explained. Whatever is left there is simply the natural functioning and rhythm.. and 'righteousness' of the organism. It does not need 'you'. A name will do. A place 'to belong' will do. Food, clothing and shelter is all it ever needs. Anything beyond that is where the organism ends its sphere of influence and is actually the beginning of Self delusion. The birth of tumors on the ego. Outgrowths that WANT all kinds of nonsense. Believe all kinds of BS... NEEDS all kinds of things that are not needed at all. EVER.
It is ego that loves virtue, to preach to talk morals, ethics and whatnot. It is ego that exalts the guru and declares some teaching sacred. ALWAYS. You have no idea of how it is intertwined with Maya's power.
Her favorite puppets of them all is these spiritual puppets. Because they have 'the power' to drag other's down to their sub-level and beat them with 'spiritual experience' ..there. Collective 'Sue Icide' sold as a virtue. Lemmings headed for the cliff. In droves.
I don't understand how the gist of you are still talking the same nonsense in the context of awakening year after year in here. Why are you so stagnant? How come there is not a even a shoe lace dropping.. How many left turns do you have to make to see that you are lost in a maze of Self?
Just take the biggest L of them all on your so supposed chin and you may start to awaken for real.
Cheers

I am making this post because of the whole JEANS Mexican group thing.
This isnt the first time NewJeans is getting these kinds of allegations and usually I would have ignored them but these ones have more than one similarity. These are more serious than ILLIT's allegations because not only are the accusations being more than just one thing it goes all the way to "Music video directing, outfits, album coverings, and concept photos" and thats all I can think of right now.
ILLIT at first only had Choreography and Creative concept accusations but then ILLIT fans explained the whole SUPER REAL ME thing that ILLIT was doing and how they had lore and NewJeans does have the same kind of lore so they cant be copying off them so hard to the point of plagiarism. So now ILLIT only has choreo accusations. The weird thing is are these same "dance moves" arent even from the exact same song and they have to pull up different fucking dance practice videos from like 7 different songs to complete even half of the ILLIT's chorus. Even then ILLIT fans were pulling up other groups who did the same moves before NewJeans and even then It was still plagiarism but now that ADOR is suffering from plagiarism accusations its suddenly Inspiration?
NewJeans concept is pretty generic so I dont think they were plagiarising. It's more of a heavy inspiration than anything else. Now Bunny's are saying the same thing as ILLIT fans were before. But for HYBE its copying and for ADOR its inspiration?
Lets all try our best and be fair. People like Bang Pig and MHJ are the problem for dragging ILLIT and NJ into this so we should just skip over these types of allegations, considering that South Korea is beginning to pass a law for dance copyright guidelines. Hopefully this will clear ILLIT's name and NewJeans can be free.

I am making this post because of the whole JEANS Mexican group thing.
This isnt the first time NewJeans is getting these kinds of allegations and usually I would have ignored them but these ones have more than one similarity. These are more serious than ILLIT's allegations because not only are the accusations being more than just one thing it goes all the way to "Music video directing, outfits, album coverings, and concept photos" and thats all I can think of right now.
ILLIT at first only had Choreography and Creative concept accusations but then ILLIT fans explained the whole SUPER REAL ME thing that ILLIT was doing and how they had lore and NewJeans does have the same kind of lore so they cant be copying off them so hard to the point of plagiarism. So now ILLIT only has choreo accusations.
The weird thing is are these same "dance moves" arent even from the exact same song and they have to pull up different fucking dance practice videos from like 7 different songs to complete even half of the ILLIT's chorus. Even then ILLIT fans were pulling up other groups who did the same moves before NewJeans and even then It was still plagiarism but now that ADOR is suffering from plagiarism accusations its suddenly Inspiration?
NewJeans concept is pretty generic so I dont think they were plagiarising. It's more of a heavy inspiration than anything else. Now Bunny's are saying the same thing as ILLIT fans were before. But for HYBE its copying and for ADOR its inspiration?
Lets all try our best and be fair. People like Bang Pig and MHJ are the problem for dragging ILLIT and NJ into this so we should just skip over these types of allegations, considering that South Korea is beginning to pass a law for dance copyright guidelines. Hopefully this will clear ILLIT's name and NewJeans can be free!!!

Kadillac Kirk had been a good friend of mine for several years. I had met him through friends from The Spring Stage; and he never had anything to do with The Imp, which is why he didn’t appear in the Married Mary saga. Mary would have totally thrown herself at him, and Kirk would have definitely “thrown it in her.” He loved the ladies and often remarked that there was no such thing as an unappealing woman, nor was there anything sweeter than finding the pearl of passion in an outwardly plain dame. Fortunately for Kirk, he never met Mary. This was probably fortunate for Mary as well, seeing as Kirk was a confirmed bachelor and his rakish nature might have broken her fat heart.
Kirk was an older guy. Not MOE old, though. He was in his early forties, but he easily passed for a carefree dude in his 30s... not that he lied about his age. I only mention this trait to juxtapose Kirk’s genuine youthful air with Moe’s unconvincing youthful farce. Kirk dressed normally, avoided stupid jargon, and never busted out gimmicks like tarot cards or spells. He just existed, behaved affably, and people liked him for it.
He drove a classic 1962 Cadillac El Dorado convertible with red leather interior, and he lived in a charmingly quaint (and ridiculously expensive) neighborhood. How he made his fortune remained a mystery, but he never bloviated about his wealth. He just threw spectacular parties and people showed up. And, to my knowledge, he never tried to lure women into bed with his money (although I’m sure he got his fair share of boom-boom thanks to his digs and his wheels, even if the gold-diggers denied their monetary agendas).
Kirk was legitimately handsome. He was a drummer, he had a full head of black hair, he was clean-shaven, he worked out, and he knew all the hidden gems in Wellsprings. So why hadn’t I tried... or even desired to date him? I don’t know. I just didn’t feel drawn to him like that. He felt like a cool uncle and he had, thus far, never done anything to change my perception. Plus, the age difference weirded me out a little. Kirk didn’t look forty; but knowing that he had so much more life experience than I did created a power imbalance that would have creeped me out if we’d been dating. As buddies, I just felt supremely cool riding in his Cadillac, smoking Fantasia cigarettes, and hitting the speakeasies and jazz clubs I would have never known about if it weren’t for Kirk’s connections.
And he had been a good person to talk to about my romantic woes. He never lecherously suggested that I should date him, and he gave the type of tempered advice that only comes with lived experience. But he often lightly mocked me for my crush on Dennis and he did a hilarious impression of Smegal popping too soon over his “precious.” So when Mary “got me back” by doing whatever she did with to Dennis, I called Kadillac Kirk and told him the drinks were on me if he’d be my designated driver for the night.
Why hadn’t I called Whisky??? Well, A) Kirk was way more fun to hang out with, at least from my past experiences up to that point. And B) I needed to bitch about a boy, something I couldn’t do in good conscience in front of a guy I was dating. So I put on the sexiest plunging halter dress I owned, applied heavy eye makeup and spikey accessories, braved a pair of stilettos, and sashayed out to Kirk’s convertible. I felt like a badass rock star. I probably looked like a try-hard hooker.
Kirk: Daaaaay-um! Somebody really did do a number on you, huh? I know you said you were upset, but the gents are gonna be writing thank you notes to that fat girl and that butt-fucking hobbit.
Me: I just need to feel pretty and numb. And I trust you to keep me from making a fool of myself.
Kirk squeezed my shoulder. “I’ve got you. You do whatever you need to do to get rid of these demons.”
He sparked up a J and offered me the first puff. I gladly accepted. He took one puff of his own, but said that the rest was mine since he didn’t want to drive stoned. See? He was responsible! Weed wasn’t legal in California yet, so I got a little bit baked before I stashed the sativa in the glove box and wrapped a scarf around my hair like a starlet from the Golden Age of Hollywood. Kirk sped out of the parking lot and said he was taking me to a downtown hotel that was hosting a party that night in their lush lobby.
Kadillac Kirk pulled up to the main entrance, paid the valet, and then opened my door. I was wobbly from the weed. And I had stupidly decided to wear heels. You can get high or you can wear high (heels). You can’t have both. Not if you’ve repeatedly injured both ankles (as I have). I had to take Kirk’s arm to keep from keeling over. “Can people tell I’m stoned?” I whispered. Kirk replied, “Nobody’s paying any attention to anyone else’s intoxication. I promise you that much.” I nodded, steadied myself, and strutted alongside my very cool friend, feeling a little more confident.
A live jazz orchestra was playing Cole Porter as we entered the lobby. Everything sparkled. The music was even more intoxicating than the spliff had been. “Just One of Those Things” brought tears to my eyes since the lyrics hit every raw nerve regarding the Dennis debacle. But I smiled. It might sound mental, but being distraught over a trash fire of a one-sided romance was exhilarating. Immature, for sure. But also exhilarating. You see, that kind of sadness doesn’t hurt. Not really. It stings. It leaves little bruises, but it’s very safe to wallow in because you haven’t actually lost anything. Melancholia over that which you never had is as sweet as it is bitter; and that type of twisted splendor is rivaled only by Stendhal.
“Here's hoping we meet now and then. It was great fun, but it was just one of those things.” I sang along with the band, and a fat tear rolled down past my melancholic smile and onto my chin. Kirk brushed it aside. “Too close to home?” I wiped away the remnants of the tear’s journey from eye to chin and smiled a more genuine smile. “The perfect distance from home. Shall we get drinks? Remember, I’m buying.”
Kirk: No, no. This is your time to heal. And I’m here as your pal, not your chauffeur. What would the lady like?”
I pretended to barf. Kirk knew I hated it when he got overly formal and overly attentive. So he did it just to mess with me. “Shot of vodka,” I replied.
Kirk: How many?
I thought briefly. “FIVE.”
Kirk: Five to one, baby. One in five...
Me: No one here gets out alive.
Kirk: Are you able to hold yourself upright, or should you come with?
I took a seat on an ornate, damask-upholstered chaise lounge. “I’ll be okay. And I was kidding about the five shots.”
I sat there lost in the music for a while. I thought very little about Dennis. Even less about Mary. And not at all about Whisky (whom I had shagged less than a week ago). My mind danced through the ornate lighting in the hotel lobby, and I suddenly felt the need to join the hoity-toity guests on the dancefloor!
Kirk returned with four shots of vodka. Two for him, two for me. That was quite reasonable of him. He knew damn well that I couldn’t handle five shots, but he also knew that I was in a... state. One that called for more than a single shot. I raised a both miniature glasses to “No more ninnyhammers or hairy-footed lovers.” Kirk did his hilarious Smegal impression, we double-toasted, and downed the shots. The band launched into “Let’s Misbehave,” and I kicked off my stilettos and made a beeline for the dance floor.
“There’s something wild about you child that’s so contagious. Let’s be outrageous! Let’s misbehave.” Kadillac Kirk swept me up, twirled me around, and dipped me as we both sang along with the lyrics. I wasn’t swooning for him, but I was enthralled by the moment. The music, the dancing, the combination of booze and bud... so I kissed him as he pulled me back to my feet. And he kissed back. In a way that Dennis never had. In a way that Whisky’s beard wouldn’t permit. I didn’t feel the visceral sensations that I’d felt when Dennis had kissed me, but it felt nice to feel desired. And then I noticed that other guests were watching us and applauding. Now, that was a dopamine rush if ever there was one!
I gently broke away from the embrace, high-fived Kirk and returned to the chaise lounge to put my stupid shoes back on. He followed me and smashed his face back onto mine. I pulled away and laughed. “It was a moment,” I told him. “I appreciate the dance, and that kiss was the perfect finale. But it’s not happening again.”
Kirk: Not to worry, Valerie. I know you. I knew all along that we were performing, and I was more than happy to be your scene partner.
Me: And dance partner! Those were some excellent moves! I didn’t know you had ballroom training.
Kirk: You name it, I’ve mastered it. Another drink for the lady?
I pretended to barf again. “Not yet. I’m not sad right now. Do you mind if I just sit here and enjoy the music?”
Kirk: Ah. My kisses do have healing properties...
I flipped my hand up at him. “Knock that shit off, bro. I wanted to hang out with you because I trust you not to get weird. Even if I get weird, I know you have the maturity to balance me out.”
Kirk: Are you calling me old???
Me: No. I’m calling you rational, responsible, and respectful.
Kirk: Well, now. If you can articulate an alliterative statement that fluently, then you clearly aren’t drunk enough!
I dismissed this comment as a joke. And he did indeed knock off the flirtation. We had a perfectly pleasant time chatting and dancing (no more kissing, though). And then I noticed a girl I knew from Into the Woods entering the lobby. She’d played Florinda and I’d played Little Red. I called her name and waved enthusiastically. She waved back. And then her date entered. It was D.E.N.N.I.S. I sank into the chaise. Kirk caught on immediately. “The hobbit???” he asked. I nodded silently. “You wanna make out again?” he enthused. I shook my head. I had to go say hello to Flo. And I had an idea...
I crossed the lobby, smiled, squealed, and hugged her.
Florinda: Lil’ Red! It’s been forever! So glad to see you!!! This is my friend, Denny.
From the corner of my eye. I could see Dennis shifting uncomfortably. I refused to look directly at him, neglected to acknowledge Flo's introduction and continued to converse only with her. "So glad to see you, too! What have you been up to since we left the woods?"
Dennis: C’mon, Val...
Florinda (appearing oblivious to the iciness between me and Dennis): Oh, I had some drama after the show closed. I'll have to tell you about it some other time... Have you seen Prince Big Bad (Scumbanger) lately?
I laughed. “Last time I saw him, he was hitting on some nasty fat chick at The Imp.”
Flo and I both scoffed at the pervy pest. Into the Woods was where I’d initially met Scumbanger. He played The Wolf/Cinderella’s Prince. Again... typecasting. There’s a whole essay in my brain about my first encounter with the pest, during which he quoted the song that he sang to me in the show, “Hello, Little Girl.” But it gets into some pretty uncomfortable territory because he made me feel... excited. Well, excited and scared. Nothing of note happened during Into the Woods, but our odd interactions did kind of set the stage for some extremely regrettable events during that Cats cast party.
I excused myself, saying that I needed to get back to my friend. And then I leaned in and said in a hushed voice to Flo, “Watch your ass with that one. If he’s the Denny I’m thinking of...” I gave her a look that only another female would be able to read. Her eyebrows shot up and she nodded. Dennis continued to shift as though he were trying to hold in a massive dump. “BABE! Uh...”
Flo apparently answered to that moniker as well. “What is it, Denny? Don’t worry. That was just telepathic girl talk. You apparently have a reputation...”
Dennis: Different Denny. I assure you I’m a pious gentleman.
Me: Ah. My mistake. Well, then. You guys have a good time! They’re playing Cole Porter, and the band is delovely. Great to see you, Flo!
I hugged Flo again, gave Dennis a curt nod, ignored the scent of mandarins and mountain air, and returned to Kirk.
I collapsed on the chaise lounge, exhausted from holding back the rage. I had no right to be mad at Florinda. I hadn’t seen her in three years, so how was she supposed to know that I’d had a thing with Dennis? Hell, I couldn’t even be mad at Dennis because the last time he and I had spoken in any meaningful way, I’d told him that I was no longer entertaining my crush on him. So why was I surprised to see him dating??? And why had he never taken ME out on a date like this??? And why wasn’t I smitten with Kadillac Kirk who HAD taken me out on a date like this, was an objectively excellent kisser, and a bona fide BALLER? What was wrong with me???
Kirk suggested going down the street to a quaint little bar and then sobering up at a diner closer to my apartment. I numbly nodded and followed him in silence for a few blocks. He assured me that I had “turned several heads” on the way to the new location, but I neither cared nor believed him. This wasn't the type of numbness I'd been aiming for. Now I needed to get schnockered. “Five shots of vodka, please.” Yes, I was serious.
Kadillac Kirk, my reliable designated driver, ordered only a beer and watched in something across between astonishment, concern, and delight as I slammed all five shots in rapid succession. I half expected to immediately retch all over the bar. But I felt fine. I half expected to immediately lose consciousness and wake up in the hospital. But I remained coherent. How I’d managed to take in that much hard liquor and suffer no direct consequences, I’ll never know.
I think I wanted to suffer. I wanted to either feel nothing at all or to feel a sickness bad enough to distract me from the scorching sting that pulsed through my being when I realized that I had lost the abstract notion I’d been addicted to this entire time. Hope. It wasn’t Dennis himself I couldn’t quit. It was that drug called hope. The hope that maybe, just maybe Dennis would give our romance a fair chance. The hope that maybe, just maybe he would make peace with himself, get his mind out of his crotch, and enjoy some agenda-free togetherness. The hope that maybe, just maybe he would stop bloviating about his admittedly impressive accomplishments for five fucking minutes and ask about my life. I had my own reasonably impressive accomplishments, even if they paled in comparison to his. A proper suitor would have enjoyed hearing about them.
But seeing him out with another woman, a woman who had no reason to parade her Dennis escapades before me as some means of revenge, a woman he was clearly courting of his own volition... My hope had died. It died before I’d had time to wean myself off it. Now I had to mourn the loss of hope, which is a very tricky brand of grief to navigate. Vodka wasn’t the answer, but it was what I had to work with. So it would have to do.
After enough time had passed without vomiting or collapsing, I asked Kirk to bring his car around to the bar so that I didn’t have to walk two and a half blocks drunk and in heels. He nodded and dramatically leaned in for a kiss. I recoiled. “DUDE! I told you. The moment has passed.”
Kirk: I beg your pardon. I misread your eyes. Thought I saw a green light...
Me: It’s fine. I just want to go home while I’m still feeling okay.
Kirk: Of course. Your chariot will be here soon.
He skipped off to fetch his Cadillac and I noticed that the lights in the bar were beginning to dance a bit. This should have been concerning. But then I realized that I was giggling. Wait... What? Oh shit. Sure, I was drunk from those shots. But what I was feeling in that moment wasn’t drunkery. It was stonery. Kirk probably misread my face because my pupils were dilated. Not from desire, but from drug use.
Some of you might be thinking that I was a bad friend for not introducing Lucy, an old dude connoisseur, to Kirk. Well... I did. Several years before the events of this story. He adored her. She, on the other hand, thought he was immature. And she wasn’t wrong. Lucy was astute when it came to sussing out a person’s true nature. Far more astute than I. Her initial assessment that Kirk was immature is about to be vindicated. Stretch those cringe muscles! It’s almost time for pie...
I somehow managed to get to his car. I honestly don’t recall how I got there. Did one of the bartenders carry me? Did some kind patron allow me to lean on him? Had Kadillac Kirk carried me out? I’m not sure. But my memory ceases to be fuzzy about halfway to the 24-hour diner. It might have been the very same 24-hour diner where Mary pulled her... shenanigans. I’ll never know.
Kirk: Would you say that you’re more drunk or more stoned?
Me: STONED. Definitely stoned.
Kirk made some sort of grunty noise and reached for my thigh. I slapped his hand.
Kirk: Stoned but not amorous? That’s rare.
I started laughing rather unkindly. “You’re a fucking horndog! I thought you were my safe straight male friend, dammit.”
Kirk: I solemnly swear that your safety is my primary concern, my stoned beauty.
I pretended to throw up.
Kirk: So... You’re not horny. But are you hungry? The diner I’m heading to makes this Maple Walnut Pie with the most sumptuous... sensual cream and exquisite drizzling of...
Me: Ew! Stop trying to bang the pie. Bro. Are YOU stoned? (Then I remembered the question.) Yes, I’m hungry. But I don’t like nuts. I’ll have banana cream.
Kirk made that repulsive grunty noise again. “Uhhhhh... Mmmmmm. Cream. Yessssss. Yes, we’ll be there in just a minute.” He was squirming in the driver's seat.
Me: GROSS, DUDE! If you’re gonna be like that I’ll just order HASH brows. Get it? Hash??? (I giggled.) You can’t make that sound nasty.
Kirk: Forgive my jokes. I think my blood sugar’s a bit low.
As Kirk parked, I began to wonder how I might get away with walking shoeless into the diner. The stilettos had to get off my feet. At least while I was walking. And Kirk was kind enough to give me his socks and wear his loafers “island style” into the establishment. Okay, that was gallant of him. Maybe he was going to behave himself for the rest of the evening.
I wasn’t terribly talkative as we sat down, and he expressed a bit of concern for my emotional well-being. I wasn’t coherent enough to explain what was happening to my emotions and I wasn’t sure I trusted him with my deep, dark secrets at that point. So I shrugged like a sulky teenager, ran my hands over my messy, windblown hair, and mumbled that I was “just hungry.” And right on cue, a very kind, slightly older waitress with a sweet southern accent stopped by to take our order.
Kirk: Ah, yes. We’ll have two cups of black coffee. And we’ll share a slice of that delectable Maple Walnut Pie.
Waitress: Oh, honey. That pie is scrumptious! I take it you’ve been here before?
Kirk: I have. This will be her first time to taste the splendor.
I hated to be a killjoy, but I interrupted and said to the waitress, “Ma’am? I’m sure the Maple Walnut is excellent, but could I please get a slice of Banana Cream? And a big glass of ice water?
Waitress: Sure, hon! Banana Cream’s just as yummy! I’ll be right back with those coffees and that big water.
Kirk was sucking on the tip of his forefinger and shaking his head a bit. “You’re passing up so many sensational... sensual...”
I put my forehead on the table and growled. “You swore you’d stop being nasty!” I held this #headdesk pose for quite some time before I finally lifted my head... only to see that Kirk was still sucking his fingertip and staring at me like a wild animal. “Pleeeeeease be normal,” I whined. “It’s been a really weird night for me.”
Kirk: Indeed. Many surprises. You know... You’re like titanium. Your flame burns so fast and so bright, if a guy doesn’t get in there while the iron is hot, he’ll never get another chance. I was too slow.
What the...? I was pretty sure he was wrong about titanium burning quickly. I’m no chemistry wiz, but my dad and my oldest brother are both big-brains when it comes to physics and chemistry. So I picked up some things just listening to them talk. Accurate or inaccurate, Kirk was being creepy again. He’d never been creepy towards me before, although I’d seen him act like this with other women. Usually with staggering success. Why????? His money. It had to be his money. Kirk was a nice-looking man, but holy shit... No amount of good looks could save this creep show
And then, our sweet waitress sat down our coffees, my water, and the two slices of pie. After I gulped down a whole bunch of water, I grabbed a fork, prepared to quell my munchies... and then I froze. Kirk was quickly flicking his finger back and forth across the top of his pie. And moaning. He noticed my wide-eyed stare, smirked, sucked the tip of his thumb, picked up the plate with both hands, and began flicking his tongue across the tip of the triangular pie slice. And moaning some more. Well, there went my appetite.
Kirk took his middle finger and jabbed it into the crustless vertex of the pie slice, then he began pumping it in and out like a piston, and flicking his thumb across the increasingly demolished top layer of whipped cream. He gasped this time. People were starting to stare. His pointer finger joined his middle finger in the piston action, and he replaced his thumb with his tongue. Between flicks of the tongue, he groaned, “Oh yeah, baby... Let me taste you,” but it was kind of hard to understand him.
And I was either about to run to the back office, tell them that I was in danger and needed a police escort home... OR I was about to burst out laughing at the spectacle. Kirk continued... He removed his fingers and gregariously licked pie filling off of them. "Ohhhhh," he groaned, "I got you soooo sticky. So sweet. So moist." And then he started sucking his fingertips again, switching from middle to pointer, middle to pointer and emitting a delighted little, “Mmmmmm” with every suck.
Finally, he jabbed his fingers back into the utterly destroyed pie, lowered his face into the mess and lapped loudly and passionately, moaning, grunting, and mumbling “Come on, baby. Come on. Mmmmmm. Come on.” I could see the waitress and some dude in a suit heading over to the table, so I sank down in my seat, partially covered my face, but continued to watch the train wreck. At last, Kirk shuddered violently as he splatted his entire hand onto the plate and rubbed furiously. And then he locked eyes with me. He sucked the tip of his thumb one final time and said, “You...” There was a long pause during which Kirk lovingly stroked the mess he’d made. “You... are the pie.”
I don’t hang out with Kadillac Kirk anymore. But he’s still a bachelor, ladies!

hey!
here’s what I look like
I’m in the midwest, in the middle of my phd, using the sacred few hours of sleep I got to scroll reddit while binging on the trashiest reality TV and early 00s MTV music videos
tbh, since moving here I’ve been aching to meet people that aren’t related to my professional or academic sphere, and rarely got the time to do much outside the lab, so, here I am, it seems meeting people online could be good bet :o
some random trivia

• my work is on machine learning and proteins
• love running and cycling, pretty much any heavy cardio activity
• love playing soccer but suck at it
• love signing but suck at it
• love drawing but suck at it
• I only sing in spanish, because I got a thiccc accent and feel a bit self-conscious singing in english
• expert in early 00s shitty pop music
• best disney movie is ratatouille
• most overrated disney movie is up
• love dancing cumbia and bachata… and actually do not suck at it! lmao
• can move my ears on command
• have lived in 4 countries, 6 cities, 2 continents
• I’m trying to get into video games. help? I have a swtich, xbox, and pc
• not a fan of scifi or fantasy :(
• once got jump-scared by a possum while riding my bike
• knows two and a half languages
• love crafts (specially origami) and playing the accordion

here are two truths and a lie

• I was personally invited to a fancy rooftop party by a google hotshot, but bailed on it
• a mexican bill saved my life while I was stranded in serbia
• I was suspended from middle school for burning a whiteboard with body spray and a lighter

If you're interested in talking, send me a line about yourself!

To start things off you can call me Jordan. I'm 33 years old from Louisville, Kentucky, and it doesn't matter where you're from.
I'm okay if you're local or nearby but if you are looking for an LDR I'm fine starting off that way as well.
I'm of average height, overweight but the healthiest I have ever been and will continue improving my life.
I love going on hikes, reading, stargazing, listening to music, watching good films/shows, and being a great listener.
I'm empathetic and I try my hardest to put myself in other peoples shoes, having different perspectives is a good thing.
I'm looking for a woman who is intelligent, empathetic, loving, and funny!
Mexican food is the best food on earth, and it's not debatable. The spicier the better.
Lover of all things weird and spooky.
No tattoos or piercings but I would love to get a tattoo one day.
I work the graveyard shift and I love it, so other timezones are fine.
Message me if interested!

Sorry for the longer post, I really needed to vent this. I’ve been keeping this for too long. Im 20y and in my 4th year in a Psychology uni. We’ve been doing obrigatory internships the past semester and more pratical work. I’ve been crying for 3hours and I can’t take it anymore. 

Let me just give you a really sum up context of my social life, so it makes more sense:

 I know I’m a people pleaser. I’ve spent 13 years of my life with a toxic friend who would bully, gossip and manipulate me even to tie her shoes whenever they were untied (like, kneeling down and stuff, like I was a slave). Teachers noticed but never did anything. Then, when I started to realize (14y) really how unhealthy it was, I was in deep depression and isolations, ended up spending 3/2 years in school with no friends. 

When I finally started trying to socialize, in my last year of highschool, BUM PANDEMIC
So I suffered from depression hard in all that time.

 In 2022 forward, I started gaining more friends because of dance classes, then Dungeons and Dragons, then some in Uni…. But I still know that im insecure. I still want to make sure everyone likes me, being the “funny friend”. I don’t feel like I can express how something on a friend is hurting me or making me mad, like I need to keep it to myself. Endure it if I don’t want to fight and be alone. 

THE REASON IM CRYING: Now, in relation to Uni work, I noticed that, since my 4th semester (I’m on the end of the 7th) I’ve been doing 80% at least of almost every assignment. I’m not a diligent student that studies all the time (although I should be), but in the groups assignments I’ve been put on, it seemed everyone doesn’t study enough, even the minimum. Some can’t even write one coherent phrase, and I’m not joking or being too critical, I lost points because of that. So, I’ve been fixing, and doing those assignments practically alone or, at least, doing most and having the position of a lider. Where if I don’t say anything or don’t keep them on their toes, literally nothing will be done.
This week is my birthday, but is also a week with: 2 Exams, 3 articles to make, Internship reports and documents, 2 assignments.
I’ve organized my routine so I could do it all and have time on my birthday to relax a bit. But I noticed how I was organizing as if all these things are made to be done alone, when in fact, all of them (except exams) are group work. I did at least 9/10h of work per day these past 2 days, sending them everything almost like a complete template, where they just needed to put one or two new informations and send… it was overwhelming (and there’s still 3 days of hell in front of me) but I was enduring it

Until, when I lay down to try and sleep for the internship tomorrow that I noticed: No one in the group said that they sent the assignment due to today. I opened the docs and they didn’t even complete it even tho they were discussing the answer the WHOLE AFTERNOON! Saying like “ooh and this is the answe” but no one wrote it on the docs??? 

There was only my part of the answers (90% of them). A group of 8 people, none completed the assignment, none cared to check if anyone sent it, no one did anything. I stayed the whole afternoon doing other 3 articles , as I already did my part (more than enough) on that assignment, and they didn’t even sent it??
I exploded, and now I’ve been crying for hours. I feeel overwhelmed, I feel dumb, afraid, and anxious cause I can repeat the subject because of this. I have so many to express about tommorow, I didn’t need this. I’m not good with fights, 2 people there are closer friends (but that also leave me hanging), I don’t know what to do. I feel horrible.
They didn’t ask me to do everything alone, so I feel like I don’t have the right to “scold” them or say anything, but all the times I trusted them to do things by themselves , it went terribly wrong, like today. We already had problems like this before, but they are all in this same page, me being the only one actually doing something, so I feel also outnumbered.
I hate it. I really don’t know what to do.

For context, I have been diagnosed with autism at a young age, and I have recently (in the past year) have realized that I may have some of the symptoms of dyspraxia. I don't know everything about it, I'm slightly informed about it, and I don't know anyone who has dyspraxia. In my early childhood, I had problems regarding daily tasks; tying shoes, riding bikes whenever i tried to, dancing, working out (besides running), general clumsiness, and problems regarding shaving or skin care stuff. These obviously aren't all that I've recalled regarding dyspraxia symptoms, i'm not too good with explaining that stuff. I know dyspraxia is not just problems regarding coordination, but considering I have been diagnosed with autism for a long time and realized I have had those problems since childhood I've now taken it to consideration. Inform me about any mishaps or misconceptions I might have, educate me on the gist of your experiences.

This past weekend I threw my buddy a bachelor party. Now he got married in December but because of a scheduling we had to do it after. Little back story I was 1 of 2 best men. The other no showed. In fact. All of my buddy’s invites (family included) no showed for his wedding. So I naturally wanted him to have some great memories. So I planned a weekend in San Diego and deep sea fishing. Invited all his buddies. Paid for everything but their hotel and food. I shopped around and made phone calls and finally settled on a fishing charter.
Well none of my buddy’s friends got back to me except for 1 for 5 months. And I was this kids coach when he was in high school. Hate him. He was also the other best man. So I plan the trip. We were to go to Mexican waters for great fishing. Well the other guy never got his passport even though I told him 5 months ago. So I find this out this past Monday. I call the boat captain and we change the trip to an island trip, way more expensive but supposed to be the best fishing possible In US waters. I told the captain from the get go our goal was not a specific fish, but one you have to use two hands to hold.
I spent 4500 on a trip to catch four fish the size of my shoe. 11 hours. They took us to San Clemente where there were no fishing reports despite Coronado having great reports. Also Multiple issues with the boat.
The other best man didn't pitch in for shit. Didn't book his hotel and tells me when we stop at the grocery store 5 minutes before the hotel. Says he's just gonna get a cot and sleep in my room. Fuck no.
Also while we are at the grocery store he tells the groom that he’s gonna cover his alcohol. He doesn’t. He buys himself two cases of beer and has my buddy buy his own shit. Not a real big deal but I didn’t want the groom to have to cover anything. We go to a steak dinner after our shitty day on the boat. I pay for the groom. We order sides for the table. The other guy doesn’t. Orders one of the most expensive steaks and no sides. Proceeds to eat ALL of the sides from the table. Split a salad with my buddy that went but had my buddy pay.
I type this and I know I’m sounding petty but I’m infuriated.
We come back yesterday. We all rode together. I drove.
Dip shit left his phone in my truck. Asks when I get home. Tell him 330 but leaving right after for the gym. He doesn’t respond. End up not going to the gym. Guess who shows up at my house at 4? Than wants to chit chat outside. I want to strangle this kid.
Flip side. I was really hoping to have a good time on this trip for my own personal gain, just needed a break. My wife and I are trying for a baby. I’ve wanted us to have kids for the last 8 years and she’s wanted to wait. I’m 33.
She just had her second miscarriage. Now she wants to wait again. I’m struggling. Also the groom just announced he’s having a girl.
If that weren’t all, I find myself struggling with our relationship. I am a romantic. Go all out on birthdays and Christmas. Anything to make her feel special. She doesn’t do the same. She’s not affectionate with me. Hardly touches me. Doesn’t ever pursue sex. If I don’t plan something for my birthday we don’t do anything. I get It. Not her love language. But what about my love language.
We do have fun together. Every now and then. I would never consider leaving my wife nor cheating but I truly feel unloved. I know she cares but not like I need/want.
And we’ve talked about it but she chops it up to being my fault or that I only want to have sex or that’s just how she is. I thought marriage was about compromise.
There’s much more but I’ll start with this.
Btw. Been with my wife for 16years. Married for 11.

Wow, this one might me a long one.
So I moved to (undisclosed location) sometime in the beginning of last year. When I moved here I really had no friends but became heavily involved in this yoga studio I went to and slowly but surely started to make friends/acquaintances with the teacher that instructed me.
From afar she seemed super cool and I became pretty enthralled with her and her life. I would look forward so heavily to going to her classes every week and was quite intrigued by her. I thought she was funny, bubbly, spunky, cool, and always made jokes during class that made me laugh. As months went by I found myself wanting to get closer and closer to her, and she even invited me out one time to one of her “events” she was hosting. Here’s the thing;
It seemed like we had a lot in common and was just generally craving camaraderie and connection. I felt a sense of belonging with her and wanted to expand that energy in my life, and wanted to do anything I could to get closer to her for those reasons. But I guess this is where we have the first red flag;
One day after class, she extended an invitation to me to a meet up of sorts, (I’m being sparing with details just out of fear she might read this) and when she invited me it seemed like it was gonna be this big thing with lots of people invited, and just in general in talking to her it seemed as if she was very well connected and respected within her community, had lots of friends and connects, and I thought this was gonna be a huge thing that I was even lucky to be invited to. I was super stoked and exited about it.
However when the day of the event came, I was super tired and slow to getting up that morning. I figured I would just make my way over whenever I could since it seemed causal and like you could drop in whenever. I also figured there would be more than enough people that no one would really even notice my arrival or departure. (Plus, sometimes it’s chic to be fashionably late ;) ). Well…. I was most definitely wrong.
When I showed up I heard someone excitedly shout my name, which was her, and she waved me down to the “meet up”…. There was literally only one person there and it had been going on for 2+ hours. I was definitely a bit unnerved, but also didn’t want to be rude, and like I said I was just kind of happy to be there and be getting invited to things. But it was kinda like, damn…. Are these all the friends you have?
I had dressed up and looked cute but they were just kind of wearing whatever and I felt awkward and overdressed and also embarrassed now that I was even this late because it was clearly much more intimate than I expected and my arrival/absence was DEFINITELY felt. We had chatted a bit and that was cool but then I remember her confessing me that she had cried to her husband earlier that morning that she was scared nobody was going to show up and how thrilled she was that not only one, but TWO people had showed up and that it felt like she had friends. I wasn’t really sure what to say or make of that.
She also…. The whole time (and mind you, this is our first legitimate interaction out of yoga class) just kind of kept talking maniacally AT me, not to me, and was coming off almost even manic, and she had formed a white crust of spit around her mouth probably from talking so much that I couldn’t look away from. To say the least, I was a bit disturbed coming away from this interaction but I just kept telling myself that I was being too judgmental of her and to give it a chance and that maybe she was just hyper that day and that I had probably had unintentional embarrassing hygiene moments as well. So I keep going to class and that’s that.
There were several other red flag moments between this first interaction and the next one, mostly just her incredibly cringey social media presence that I genuinely almost couldn’t stand to see without feeling like I was withering away inside, but maybe I’ll save that for later. It’s almost like I couldn’t just see that the person I thought was so cool in class and the person I was seeing her be online and outside of class were the same people. But I digress.
She had actually ended up inviting me to go with her on one of her international yoga retreats, and I was actually very excited about this. I had very little time with her in between classes, and my attraction (but also repulsion) with her was growing stronger and I wanted to figure her out and see what she was really about and what the pull I was feeling towards her was about. Plus, I love travelling and just thought it would be fun.
I had a pretty good time, but we didn’t get to talk much, HOWEVER, I do remember this distinct point during the trip where it was myself, 2-3 other fiends I had made, her brother, and her “best friend” who had happened to be her brother’s Gf in a room together, talking. the brother, the best friend, and the other friend I made just all completely started talking shit about her and I was so confused.
I felt super hurt by this actually, bc I felt like I had a inexplicable bond with the teacher who had invited me, she was the reason we were all there in that beautiful place, and I just couldn’t understand why they were choosing to be so negative about someone I thought they had claimed (at least by title) to love. They would say things like “I can’t fucking stand your sister” (one of the friends I made to the brother) and everyone would just sigh and put their hands in their head and be like “I know…. I know. It’s a lot. She’s a lot”. And I didn’t have anything to add to the conversation because I was just so confused and I knew the girl would just be so upset if she heard them saying this. Anyway… that confusion stuck with me for a while after.
Fast forward maybe a month or two, I started hanging out with her more regularly myself outside of class. I would say this is when we became more “friends”. She would invite me to other teachers classes and we would talk a lot about our lives.
I learned how she felt about her close friend and family connections, and how she often felt hurt and betrayed by people close to her and how some of her friends were actually really shady. I just got a general sense of her feeling scapegoated and libeled against by ppl that got close to her and how she had walls up for that reason.
She also shared to me that most of her family was cut off, with the exception of her brother who she had recently rekindled a connection with, hence why he was on that trip. I felt very bad for her and wanted to be a source of comfort and support, and she would often comment on how she felt a sense of camaraderie with me since I also (LITERALLY) had no family and how we have to make our chosen family. This was a sweet sentiment, for sure, but I was still sussing out how I felt about her.
So one day, a mutual friend that had been on the trip with us was having a birthday party and I guess that she was invited to it, too. She sat down next to me and I was SUPER excited to see her as I was craving her energy and hadn’t seen her in some time. But then… idk. She had had a lot to drink. I’m fully aware that she’s kind of a quirky individual, and has a way of socializing which I can sometimes find a bit uncomfortable or even intense, (like the first meetup I spoke of) but this time it was even more and seemed to be heightened by the drinking.
Her husband was sitting on her other side and kept trying to interject and insinuate that maybe she was doing a bit much, but I think she was drunk enough to the point that she just found it funny and had no awareness of how she was coming off. There’s not even a way I can describe it really, but she just seemed a bit obsessive over me and kept making jokes that were literally not funny and seemed to have lost all ability to read the room. I also had noticed that she had only had TWO beers and was acting like this already which I found… really strange.
So at some point she goes to the bathroom, and I also get in line for the bathroom about 5 mins later. When I get up to the bathroom, she’s still in there, and there’s a line of about 2 or 3 people ahead of me. When she exits the bathroom she immediately spots me and rushes up to me and just starts… drunkenly spewing.
I can’t even remember what she was saying, but we were in a pretty high class establishment and I remember her gushing over me and was saying “I just want to let you know that I don’t really have friends or let people close to me in my circle but I just want to let you know that YOU are officially in my circle and you have earned friend status to me and I’ve let you in my circle…” or something like that. And I just kept thinking, who tf even says that??? I’m pretty sure the last time I checked that friendship is a two way street and it’s not just a title we bestow onto some “lucky” person and that’s that. Like girl… let ME decide if I want to be friends too first.
It was partially that, and also the way she was drunkenly spewing was so awkward and embarrassing bc I could tell all the other women in line were like who tf is this bitch and why is she saying all this weird stuff and like, does she even know you?? Lol. Just a very odd interaction which again, I kind of wrote off, but the unsettling feeling kind of just kept growing after that point.
Then, the time that I REALLY knew something was up came up about a month later, but there are still some key details of this story that are missing. Perhaps I will discuss them later.
SO. About a month later, she invited me last minute to this concert of sorts. When I got there, I was super excited to be there, the vibes were amazing and we were having so much fun. But she had definitely had a lot, A LOT to drink. I didn’t mind at first, because everyone there seemed severely under the influence, but she would just start randomly kind of lashing out at people in the crowd and she thought it was funny? She first loudly and audibly started making fun of some guys shoes in front of us, and was trying to laugh with me as if I would join in, but when his girl friend turned around and shot her a dirty look, she had the nerve to be self conscious and mad about it. She would loudly poke fun at other people in the crowd too, but not in a ha-ha way, just in a straight up mean and asshole way and I could not understand why she would even do that or why she thought that was funny.
Again, I kind of just awkwardly laughed and brushed it off. But when all was said and done and the concert was closing, she enthusiastically invited me back to go to her house and soak in her hot tub. I kept saying are you sure?? But she was like please, PLEASE come, we have weed, we’ll smoke you out and other things and I wanted to continue the vibes because it sounded fun. And then….. completely downhill.
I had arrived back at their place before she did, but as soon as I saw them go in I knocked. When I walked in, she was pale faced up on the floor, non verbal, pretty much motionless, and staring at the ceiling. I was like oh no… it seemed like she got a bit too much to drink. I waited patiently there for a few mins, unsure of what to do as I had just drove for 45 mins and I was still 25 mins in the opposite direction away from home.
I kind of just sat around, and hoped that she would sober up. I asked if she was drunk… she said no. She ran to her bathroom multiple times while her husband (a complete socially awkward case himself) tried to take care of her while she threw up. I asked her if she puked and she also said no. So I didn’t really know what to do. I was trying to offer support/ empathy but she just kept denying any claims of anything being amiss. Her husband left to pick up a pizza and I probably just should’ve left but I’m telling you I had no idea how to exit their house without making it weird or awkward. And I also was hungry. So I just stayed… and waited for the pizza.
What happened in those 20-30 mins, I don’t even know if I can fully explain. She just became… so FUCKING WEIRD. she clearly was embarrassed that I was seeing her drunk, and I think was trying to over compensate. But she just turned into an absolute freak show and I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life.
She started hoola hooping in my face, and making these weird gremlin faces and noises at me, fell to the floor, rolled round on the floor while continuing to make the noises, convulsed on the floor, but tried to do it in a funny way, tried to make an interpretive dance for me… I’ve truly never experienced something so uncomfortable in my life. I probably do sound like an asshole, but I swear you would just have to be there to see how a) gross and b) weird and actually scary it was. I was genuinely frightened.
I’ve never seen anyone act like that and I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable or weird by showing her how clearly uncomfortable I actually was. so I just sat there and tried to laugh. But it probably came off as more of a grimace. And for the record, this woman is 33. I am 26. It was just. Obscene.
And she’s tried to act like and say multiple times that she’s like my “big sister”. Now I’ve seen a lot of drunk behavior, but not this. I wolfed down my pizza, and so did she, and she started to get even more philosophical and weird on me, showing me songs and art which were quite frankly some of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life, and I left as soon as I could.
I was so shaken and disturbed coming away from this, because like I said earlier, I thought she was a cool girl, but honestly her behavior and lack of control over herself completely terrified me. And it’s not like she was drinking liquor, it was just damn IPAs. And I just did not know what to do.
Some details I will try to add to this story, even though I know it’s monolithic at this point , is that 2 months prior to this she had gotten fired from the studio she worked at.
She had a mental breakdown during class because the manager was being mean to her, and he fired her on the spot. I remember being so angry with the owner, (honestly he IS a piece of shit human being) but I thought he was being sexist by calling her mentally unstable and I thought the way he handled things was unfair.
I went so far as to boycott the studio and completely remove myself from it in support of her and followed her to her new one. After the drunk #2 incident, I didn’t hang out with her very much, and only saw her during her class as I was locked into a certain number of classes I had paid for.
I remember her telling me that she had just started at ANOTHER studio, and got fired 3 days after on her birthday and she was talking about how unfair it was and how much of an asshole that new girl was for firing her… and I believed her. AGAIN.
I went so far as to block that girl on Instagram too, but deep down I kind of knew that she had probably just been fired bc let’s face it… as I was starting to discover, she WAS a lot. and the studio was in an upper class area , catered towards more upper echelon people, and I just don’t think she was fitting that image. I lent her an empathetic ear, because that’s all I would want in that situation.
But where she fucked up was sending me screenshot proof of the text exchange between her and that girl, thinking I would take her side, and later sending me screenshots of another conversation she had with the OTHER manager. She told me that this new girl fired her for bringing her husband to class. In my mind I was like, oh no, is she racist!?! Because her husband was black. But no, that’s not what I read at all.
It was the most reasonable, level headed response to someone ever, and laid out multiple offenses and reasons she didn’t want her at the studio. The reasons were honestly so embarrassing that I don’t know why she would send it to me and think I would side with her. She recently also sent me messages with the other boss and the last thing he says to her is “I hope you get help for your mental illness because whatever you have is serious and will impact all your relationships and business and things that you do”. And honestly I can now say in retrospect that those were the truest words ever spoken.
When I read these texts, I had a look back at my whole relationship with and how she would always paint everyone else to be the villain and how everyone is so mean to HER… and the whole time the common denominator was her. It was always her. And it made me rethink everything.
I’ve even had extensive conversations with some of the other people on her trip that were talking shit and couldn’t stand her and they all told me the same things. How it seemed like she was the coolest person ever and had her shit together and seemed like she was going places… but deep down she was just an absolute mess and pushed everyone away from her. And I no longer felt like I was going crazy.
But like I said, she formed a really close bond with me (I think from her perspective) and said she felt like my big sister and family, and shared all these stories about her feeling isolated and shut out by people, but now here I am, doing the exact same thing to her. Icing her out of my life. And I just wanna ask you guys…
Am the asshole?

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The latest update: uBPD mom has Parkinson's dementia (a form of Lewy body dementia). For a while she was living in a memory care home, but is now in limbo at a psychiatric unit in a local hospital because the disease has progressed quickly and in recent weeks she became aggressive and violent towards staff and other residents. Dad is working hard with her current providers as they try to rebalance her medication regimen and figure out where she'll be going after her current inpatient stay.
I visited her yesterday. She's sundowning constantly. She doesn't stop moving unless she's asleep. She was in a calm mood and I spent about an hour just walking around the ward with her, until she got so tired and dizzy that staff took her in hand and had her rest in a big comfy-looking lounger before dinnertime.
I don't know how they do it. Every provider I've encountered is on top of it, knows her care, knows her situation, and treats her with firm but gentle compassion. When I left one of the CNAs was gently stroking mom's hair and helping her calm down. I lost it on the way home, just seeing someone give her the kindness she needed so much (and didn't get) when she was a tiny little girl.
While mom is in the hospital I've started visiting their house to clear away her stuff. Dad has recognized that mom will probably never come home again, except perhaps for hospice care at the very end, and he wants to put the house on the market sometime in the next couple of years. So that means going through the place and sorting out 50+ years' worth of stuff to get rid of.
I hate it.
I hate every blinkered, stupid fucking minute of it. Not because I can't do it: if there's one thing I'm good at, it's organizing stuff and being absolutely brutal about what to keep or toss. No, I can do this, and I'm choosing to do it now so that my sibling and I don't have to deal with the massive mountains of crap after our parents die.
Sometime after mom's father died, she started up drinking and using pills again. She also developed a shopping addiction that just got worse and worse and worse. She bought furniture, jewelry, clothes, shoes, makeup, perfume, pictures and decor for the house. She got obsessed with collecting Toby jugs for a while. She bought dishes and crystal tchotchkes and hats and... she had something like two dozen umbrellas, for fuck's sake, because she'd buy one and then see another she liked better, so she'd buy that one. And it was the same for everything.
She's spent probably hundreds of thousands of dollars on endless materialistic bullshit, at first because she thought she had to earn her parents' love by emulating her Golden Child sibling, and later because the shot of dopamine she got from the thrill of hunting for and purchasing something just wasn't enough. So she did it more, and more, and more. In the end QVC was on the telly most of the time. She was like a dragon, like Smaug, gathering a mountain cavern full of gold and glitter unto herself just for the sake of having it.
And every single item I put my hands on is something she chose to spend money on instead of on her children.
Those two dozen umbrellas? That could've been lunch with us on the waterfront, just enjoying each others' company. That extensive collection of malachite jewelry? That was my sibling's college fund, at one point. All those shoes and clothes, that could've been day trips to a winery or joining a dance class with us or hell - all of it could've been her making saying "fuck it" and investing the cash and spending TIME with us instead.
Every single item in that house is something my mother chose over me.
I will NEVER forgive her for that.